#i'm. thinking of taking a sick day over the weekend maybe. do some self care.

[paradoxgavel]

just have to get through tonight and tomorrow morning and then my dad's gonna be back and this horrible awful week from hell will be over

#just gotta hang in there a little bit longer #i'm. thinking of taking a sick day over the weekend maybe. do some self care. #this whole week i've been so stressed that it's felt like my body is in a vice grip #the only way for me not to be stressed about the situation is to not think about it lmao #and all y'all on here reaching out have been such a big help too. ;v;

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

HERE IS A PROMPT FOR YOU: scully’s a little sick maybe and mulder tries to be helpful? (maybe he makes her instant ramen bc it’s the only thing he can really make that isnt in the microwave and also hey its got broth? that means it’s nutritious for the sicklies right? :’))

unabashed self-indulgence here because my brain is,,,, slightly rotting shdjdbsj. I fully believe Melissa Scully dragged her little sister out some weekend in mid-1993 to gossip about cute, jerk FBI partners and watch the silly dinosaur movie. you can pry this pointless headcanon from my cold, dead hands.

stop to think if they should

1k words | mid-s2 | tagging @today-in-fic :)

"Mulder, it's me," says Scully's stuffy-nosed voice across the phone line, and Mulder chuckles at how peeved she sounds.

She is the latest casualty to the latest cold bug going around, and had left work early the day before because of it, glaring at him when he called after her to get some rest. He supposes she must be sick of hearing that, after the last few months. First her abduction and subsequent recovery, then the quarantine after their fiasco at Mt. Avalon, then Pfaster. She's back in the field, but it hasn't been an easy time and she's probably going stir-crazy, if not crazy otherwise. She laughs louder now when she laughs, and he can't complain about that, but it's a little desperate, like she's looking for light she can't quite reach.

"Hey," he greets, "How you feeling?"

She sighs. "Achy, congested, and bored out of my mind," she says, then too-quickly adds, "But I'm fine, I promise." Which is when he knows she's not.

He's leaving the office a little late, tosses a bundle of files into the back of his car. "Want me to come over?"

"I said I'm fine, I don't need-"

"I know," he assures her. "But I've heard I'm an entertaining guy, so..."

She hesitates, a silence so thick he can practically hear it over the phone line. "Okay," she eventually says, a little quieter than before. "Sure, if you want to."

"Want me to pick anything up on my way?" He asks, smiling to himself at her acquiescence. "Some food, a movie?"

More hesitation, practically her trademark, and he's already pulling into a supermarket that he knows makes great soup. For someone with a large, obviously caring family, Scully is terrible at allowing others to take care of her. Maybe the old adage about doctors making the worst patients is true, after all. She mumbles a title and he laughs out loud, backtracking when she stammers a quick, embarrassed "nevermind".

"I got it, Scully. Half an hour, tops." He barely shuts his mouth on the casual, instinctive love you that nearly slips out, stunning himself to stillness momentarily.

He does — love her, that is, even if he can't quite pin down what that means. Her abduction proved that; she's quite possibly the most important person in his life and he's still not sure what to do about it. He buys a big container of chicken soup, enough for Scully to have leftovers for the next day, grabs a carton of ice cream — neapolitan, because he doesn't know what kind she likes best — and rents a movie. For now, he can do this for her.

She's curled up in a corner of the couch when he lets himself in, dangling the plastic supermarket bag from one hooked finger. "The party," he says by way of greeting, "Has arrived."

Scully gives half a smile over her shoulder, wrapped in a tassel-ended blanket and draped in an oversized souvenir sweatshirt he'd bought her as an apology in the Anchorage airport, after their disastrous trip to Alaska last year. That, he thinks, feels like something out of a movie. Her nose is red and her freckles are a little hidden by the flush of her cheeks, and she looks a little bit miserable, but miserable is better than genuinely ill.

"I meant to ask," she says, wobbling back and forth on the cool tile of her kitchen floor as he hunts around for bowls and spoons, "Who, exactly, has said you're entertaining?"

Mulder stops his kitchenwide search and fixes her in his gaze for a moment. She's teasing him, yes, but she's also got a hint of genuine curiosity in her bleary blue eyes. "Mostly strangers," he says with a sheepish chuckle. "In bars."

That gets a little bit of a laugh from her, then she coughs raggedly into her elbow and tugs the blanket — which she's holding like a cape, clasped around her shoulders — a little tighter. She points to the drawer where she keeps her silverware, then retreats back to the living room. After presenting her with a bowl — or cup, since it has a handle, but it's too big for him to be sure — of soup, he unveils the last item he brought and watches, maybe a little too pleased, as she flushes even redder.

"I thought you were more of a horror film person," he teases, glancing over his shoulder at her as he fiddles with her VCR. "The Exorcist and all that. Not so much Jurassic Park."

Scully shrugs, embarrassed, and Mulder flashes her a smile so she knows he's just teasing, trying to keep her distracted from her stuffy nose and watery eyes. "Melissa made me go see it with her last year," she offers as an explanation. "Some things are just... fun, I guess."

Mulder is taken off guard by the way she shifts and leans against him when he sits down beside her. Scully has never seemed to be as tactile as he is; she's never rejected his touches, even when his heart gets the better of him and he's probably pushing his luck, but the only time she's openly sought him out was after Pfaster. Now, though, with the television playing and blanket tightly around her, she curls against him almost instinctively.

He can feel the warmth of her slight fever through the fabric of his shirt, can feel her gradually go more and more limp. She's going to fall asleep on him, to the sounds of rain and dinosaurs roaring, and maybe to the sound of his heartbeat, also. He wonders for one fanciful moment if she could hear the way he feels about her through a stethoscope.

Eventually, hesitantly, he slips his arm around her back and draws her closer, her hair frizzing out across his chest. "This okay?" He asks softly against the warm top of her head, and she nods, humming sleepily and sniffling. He thinks she mumbles something about Hollywood science making no sense, and Mulder smiles with his lips still against her hair. If he told her he loves her right now, she might be too out of it from sleep and cold medicine, too preoccupied with what little of the movie she's absorbing as she drifts to sleep, to remember it in the morning. His heart beats a little faster at the thought, and he only says it in his mind. For now, this is enough.

#feeling wildly and flagrantly self-indulgent tonight #Lu writes #txf #the x files #dana scully #fox mulder #mulder and scully #msr #msr fanfic #also shdjfbsjx once again you are the ramen noodles mutual <3

[fardell24b]

Spider Quinn 06: The Lawndale Files - Part 1

06 The Lawndale Files

It was Assembly time at Lawndale High. Principal Angela Li came to the podium. “Settle down, young people! Now, before the varsity interpretive dance team begins its performance – ‘History, We Are You’ -- we have a brief announcement from some special guests, agents...”

She was interrupted by the agents. “No names,” the male agent said.

“No credentials,” the female agent added.

“Students, we'll be brief. We've received some disturbing reports from this town, and we're asking for your cooperation.”

“Keep your eyes open. Watch for people who are different. They know who they are.”

“And with your help, kids, so will we.”

Quinn Morgendorffer was concerned. ‘I guess I’ll have to be more careful as SpiderGirl,’ she considered. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have been in Freemont on the weekend.’ Things in Lawndale were getting worse. ‘Maybe?’

That afternoon Daria and Jane were thinking about the Assembly as they watched television.

“From outer space to in your face! Aliens walk among us! A Sick, Sad World exclusive.”

“Oh, look, they're going to explain the return of disco,” Daria said.

“The aliens aren't coming. They're already here. They could be your friends, your family. They act almost normal, but something's off.”

“Yes, the TV!” Jane said, annoyed. “If there were any aliens smart enough to come here, they wouldn't be stupid enough to come here.”

“There goes my trick ear again. What was that?”

“Let's say I'm an alien and you're you.”

“Part of this better be hypothetical,” Daria responded.

“Now, why would I, a being from the highly advanced planet Zippotron, travel light-years just to take over your body and go to high school?”

“Because Wednesday's Jell-O day?’

“Exactly. Wouldn't it make more sense to rig up some remote system of control? Neck implants or something? Then they could make you do stuff like go to the mall or think about hair without actually having to do it themselves. Makes more sense than a full-scale infiltration,” Jane said.

“Oh, yes. Much, much more sense,” Daria said with her usual sarcasm.

“All right, then.”

They could then hear some cheerful guitar strumming.

“What is that music?” Daria asked.

“I don't know. It's been going on for two days.”

“You don't know how much I want you to tell me that isn't Trent playing.”

“You don't know how much I wish I could,” Jane lamented.

At the same time, Stacy was reading in her room, when she heard a sound coming from outside. “What was that?” she asked herself as she jumped.

A few moments later she heard the doorbell.

“Quinn?” Stacy asked.

“What’s wrong Stacy?” Quinn asked. Her friend looked a little frightened.

“I just heard something,” Stacy explained.

“Oh, It’s probably something rubbing on the roof, like a tree branch,” Quinn said. ‘Note to self; be careful when webswinging at Stacy’s house.’

“Then it might be SpiderGirl going by, but I don’t know why she would be in this neigborhood, as there isn’t any crime here that I have heard of.”

“Maybe she is passing by on patrol,” Quinn said.

“Then there are those agents that were at school today. What were those disturbing reports they received?”

“They could be anything.”

“That’s true,” Stacy said, looking about. “Come in.”

“Sure.”

Stacy saw that Quinn’s appetite was still the same as before her father had passed. ‘The grief hasn’t affected it,’ she thought. For she knew that Quinn was still grieving. She was quieter for one. She still had chatterbox tendencies, but no longer spoke up against Sandi in the Fashion Club and seemed to be listening more in class. She put out a large amount of various vegetable based snacks.

“What do you think Sandi is doing?” Quinn asked, as she ran a hand through one of her pigtails.

Stacy was still getting used to Quinn having changed her hair. “No idea,” she answered. “I still think you’re not too similar to either of us.”

“Like I’m still rather fashionable,” Quinn said.

Stacy nodded.

They then talked about other things as the close friends they were.

Quinn waited until she was some distance from the Rowe’s house before changing back to SpiderGirl and webswinging away.

Lawndale Sun Herald

Tuesday, December 1, 1999

More Reports of Strange Activity in Town

Quinn awoke early, as she usually did since becoming SpiderGirl. However, she found something wrong. That having Spider powers didn’t make her immune to chaffing and acne. “Great!” she said as sarcastically as her sister.  She had to hide it, especially as it was on her neck. She rushed to her closet and soon found a all black outfit. ‘It will have to do.’

She got dressed, grabbed her things, including a SpiderGirl suit and left.

“Come on, Daria. Something interesting must have happened yesterday,” Helen said.

“Nope,” Daria said.

“How about that friend of yours? What's new with her?”

“Not much.”

“What about the newspaper? Read anything interesting lately?” Helen asked, knowing that Daria was at least reading about that SpiderGirl.

“Hmm. I did see an article by an efficiency expert who claims one really intense conversation with your child over breakfast is worth a whole week of unfocused parenting. Did you catch that article?”

Helen knew what Daria was doing. “Well... how about TV? Seen anything good recently?”

“Just the usual crazy guy claiming aliens are walking our streets.”

“Well, of course they are. Many of them can't afford a car. No shame in that.”

“Huh?” Daria asked.

The phone rang, allowing Daria to make herself scarce and head to school.

“Oh, Hi Eric!”

Half an hour later, Daria and Jane arrived at the school. “Look at that,” Jane said.

Daria looked and saw that her sister wasn’t wearing her usual outfit. Rather it was all black and hid her neck. “I see it. She’s even more different now.”

“As I was saying…”

“Not that again. I’m just saying that she’s even more different due to grief.”

“The alien thing is more cool,” Jane said.

“I just think it's strange that she's suddenly covering up her neck,” Daria rejoined as Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor walked by.

“When was the last time you saw Kevin without his neck thing?” Jane asked.

“You’re talking implants?” Daria asked.

Brittany turned back. “I heard that, and it's not true!” she said before turning around and stalking away.

“I guess she thought you meant her U.F.O.s,” Jane mused, not realising that she was being overheard by Language Arts teacher Mr. Timothy O’Neill.

“UFOs?” he asked with a shiver. “Have you been watching The X-Files? I know I have.”

“And that’s Good,” Daria commented.

“But you know what's interesting?” O’Neill asked.

“Why do you encourage him?” Jane commented.

“All this creepy science fiction is just a throwback to the old Cold War paranoia.”

“Aliens in the sky, communists under the bed,” Daria commented.

“Exactly, Daria!” O’Neill said. ”And accusations flying, all because of atomic jitters. You're a communist! You're an alien!” He added as Joey and Jeffy walked past.

“Trade you Cuba for Jupiter,” Daria said to Jane.

“One stood for the other in those old movies.”

“Now, what do you think about SpiderGirl?” Daria asked.

“A disturbed individual taking out her frustrations on those who have had to resort to crime to make ends meet,” O’Neill answered.

“Quinn!”

Quinn turned at the sound of Sandi’s voice.

“If you refuse to explain your strange outfit, I'm afraid the Fashion Club will have to consider more sanctions,” Sandi asked.

“I wasn’t aware there were sanctions for my hair. Besides, this is not an anti-fashion statement.”

“I forgot to tell you,” Sandi dissembled. She was about to say more when Joey and Jeffy came along.

“Hey, Quinn, Mr. O'Neill says that girl from your house is an atomic communist,” Joey said.

“Yeah, and her friend's an alien,” Jeffy added.

“Eew!” Stacy said.

“Gross,” Tiffany said.

Quinn quickly made herself scarce.

Kevin continued to think about what he had heard earlier in the day. “I knew it! It's just like when they made us have pep rallies for field hockey. We're being invaded by communists!” he said as he came to his locker.

“Remember that game when you fell on your head?” Michael ‘Mack’ Mackenzie asked. “Remember how you thought Vince Lombardi was sending you plays from hell?”

“Heaven, bro! Vince Lombardi did not go to hell.”

Stacy and Tiffany walked by.

“But... if Quinn's cousin is an atomic communist from Mars, shouldn't she have a more interesting outfit?” Tiffany mused.

“Stop it, Tiffany! You’re scaring me!” Stacy said.

“Sorry,” Tiffany said, not entirely sincerely.

Mack was taken aback. “Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.”

He, Kevin and Brittany then went to their next class. However, they had been overheard by Charles Ruttheimer III. “Two of my favorite luscious ladies out to enslave Earth males and end gym class?” he asked himself before giving off a growl. “Someone's been reading my dreams.”

Daria and Jane knew it was an unusual day for Lawndale High. “A lot of weirdness around here lately,” Jane commented as they left the school building. She also saw SpiderGirl in the distance. ‘Huh?’

“Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end,” Daria commented.

“You say that every day.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Although this one was especially strange. But the worst is over,” Jane said.

However, the doors behind them flew open and they saw Mr. DeMartino being lead away by the agents in cuffs.

“Remove these restraints! Governmental thugs! This isn't Stalingrad!” he cried.

“You're damn right, pal. And it isn't going to be,” the male agent said.

“You can't do this. I'm an educator!”

“Say it again! It only makes it easier,” the other agent said.

“Um, the worst is over now?” Jane asked in slight hope.

“Don’t bet on it.”

The Fashion Club met in Quinn’s room after Dinner.

“Meeting starts: 6:53 PM,” Stacy said.

“Quinn will explain why she is wearing all black, again,” Sandi said.

“After Sandi explains why she added sanctions about my hair without telling me,” Quinn said.

“It was a slip of the tongue,” Sandi explained.

“Didn’t sound like it,” Quinn shot back.

“Fine,” Sandi said. “I wanted to add sanctions for the hair, but I haven’t got around to it yet.”

“Right…” Quinn considered. She also considered just quitting the Fashion Club and telling Sandi to leave. What Daria had said in Freemont about them solving crime together flashed through her mind. ‘Not yet, give her a chance.’ She breathed deeply, and pulled down the turtleneck, showing her, along with Stacy and Tiffany, the zit.

“Oh, I see,” Sandi said.

“So, I had to hide it,” Quinn said.

“Of course,” Sandi said.

“Quinn, I'm so happy you're still one of us,” Stacy said.

“Gosh, Stacy, what did you think?” Quinn asked.

“Really,” Tiffany added.

“Quinn's right, Stacy. Just because she was acting completely weird and not confiding in her dearest, most loyal friends is no reason to decide she'd finally given up her sad charade and revealed herself as a two-faced, little…” Sandi trailed off as Quinn gave an intense glare.

‘How long?’ Quinn wondered, again.

“Meeting ended,” Sandi said.

“6:57. The shortest yet,” Stacy responded.

Unknown to Quinn and the others, Daria had overheard Stacy saying ‘I'm so happy you're still one of us,’ as she had walked by. Therefore she called Jane about her suspicion.

“Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You're getting paranoid,” Jane responded.

“I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.”

“You get rattled too easily,” Jane responded, then changed her tone. “By the way, can you come over here right now? I'm really scared.”

“I see. And to what do I owe this mood swing?” Daria asked.

“It's Trent's song. You gotta listen and tell me if it's getting more cheerful.”

“Now who's paranoid?”

“Come on, I'll order a pizza. And don’t tell your mother where you’re going, I don’t want her getting all motherly.”

“Right away.”

After the meeting ended, Sandi made herself scarce.

Helen saw her going out. “You weren’t here long, Sandi,” she said.

“Quinn doesn’t need me,” she said in a montone before heading out the door.

“Sandi! Wait!” Helen said.

It was only a couple of minutes before Daria left on her way to Jane’s.

“Where are you going?” Helen asked.

“Just a walk, and to think about things,” Daria said, guardedly.

‘Of course,’ Helen thought. “But at night?”

“This area of Lawndale is still safe,” Daria said before heading out the door.

‘Of course it is,’ Helen thought.

Quinn saw Daria leaving. ‘What is she up to. She has been acting weirdly today.’ She looked to Stacy and Tiffany, who were still there. ‘They can stay here while I check,’ she thought.

“Quinn?” Stacy asked.

‘She could be one I could confide in, maybe,’ she thought. “Um, I need to check on something on the street,” she dissembled.

“You’re following Daria?” Stacy asked.

“Um, yeah,” Quinn said. “Could you run interference with Mom?”

“Sure, but how are you going to get out without her knowing?”

“There is a way,” Quinn answered enigmatically. She then went to the window at the end of the hall and opened it. She showed Stacy a trellis which had ivy on it, which reached up to the window.

“You have been climbing down that?” Stacy asked.

“Yes,” Quinn answered as she started going through the window.

“Right…” Stacy said.

Stacy watched Quinn climb down, then went back to Quinn’s room.

“Where’s Quinn?” Tiffany asked.

“She’s doing something,” Stacy answered.

Quinn disappeared into the bushes on the right side of the house and waited until Stacy had gone back to her room before going to the shed, where she had stored one of the spare SpiderGirl costumes.

Soon, she was webslinging after Daria, in the direction of Howard Drive.

As Daria approached Casa Lane, she heard a rustle in the bushes at the end of the street. “Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker. Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave. Perfectly normal. I feel much better now.”

Brittany Taylor knew Daria was up to something, which was why she was following her. She wasn’t sure why Kevin had to come along, his amorous attentions wasn’t something she needed at just that moment. “But, Kevvy.” He continued to be amorous “Kevvy!”

“Huh?” Kevin asked.

“Didn't you say we were going to follow her and save the world and stuff?” she asked. She liked making him think some things were his idea.

“Oh, yeah. But I don't think we have to save the world right this second,’ he responded.

“Great!” she said. A few more moments of making out wouldn’t go awry, she considered.

Suddenly there was a purr above them. ” Que passionato!”

‘Oh great!’ Brittany thought. ‘Upchuck!’

“Hey! We're trying to save the world here!” Kevin said as he shone his flashlight at Charles.

“And I'm trying to find the space maidens' ship so they can take me back and make me their love slave,” Charles responded.

“Oh cool,” Kevin said.

Two more flashlights turned on. “Well, you were right. Everyone has gone crazy,” Jodie Landon said.

“I knew you'd try something, Kevin. I figured I owed it to the team to keep you from humiliating yourself,” Mack said.

Bushes rustled and Mr. O’Neill emerged.

“Mr. O'Neill? Don't tell me you're hunting communists, too?” Mack asked incredulously.

O’Neill laughed nervously. “I wouldn't call it hunting. I heard a rumor about secret police kidnapping educators and spiriting them off to the gulag. But me? No. I frequently go for walks with a, um, flashlight in case the streetlights go out.”

There was another rustle above and SpiderGirl emerged upside down, lowering herself halfway down by a thread. “What’s going on here? Paranormal?”

“Not very,” Jodie said, looking around.

‘Probably meant paranoia,’ Brittany thought.

“These reds come red-hot from the red planet itself. We're talking Mars,” Charles said.

“Really?” SpiderGirl asked, her voice showing incredulity.

“Charles, I think you mean Marx,” O’Neill said as he dropped his flashlight.

Jane answered the door. “You made it. Cool. I was starting to... whoa!”

Daria also looked at the flashing lights in the nearby woods.

O’Neill found his flashlight. “Found it.”

“But why are you all, like, sneaking around with flashlights?” SpiderGirl asked.

“Good question,” Jodie said.

The others all switched off their flashlights.

“Did we just see a U.F.O.?” Jane asked.

“You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys,” Daria responded.

“But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight, especially with that SpiderGirl about.”

“Come on. This is Lawndale,” Daria said as she went inside.

“Your’re right, SpiderGirl, we’ve all been acting very foolish.”

“Hey, man, speak for yourself,” Kevin objected.

“Oh! Sorry, Kevin, “ O’Neill said. “But I wonder if maybe a rally might be in order. You know, something before classes to promote understanding, remove the fear, and increase the peace.”

“Are you sure?” SpiderGirl asked, before Kevin could get a word in.

“Quite sure. It won’t get out of control,” O’Neill said.

“But, practice is before classes. He's trying to destroy football. He's one of them!”

“No he isn’t,” SpiderGirl said, trying to keep calm.

“Who?” Brittany asked.

“I thought you knew.”

‘Time to go, Kevin,” Mack said.

“I’ll stay and talk to SpiderGirl for a bit,” Brittany said.

“Sure,” Jodie said. She turned to Upchuck. “Come along, Charles, we’ve had enough excitement for one night.”

“Yes, I better go too,” O’Neill said.

#angela li #brittany taylor #charles ruttheimer iii #daria #daria morgendorffer #fanfic #helen morgendorffer #jane lane #jodie landon #kevin thompson #michael 'mack' mackenzie #quinn morgendorffer #sandi griffin #spider-man #stacy rowe #the lawndale file #tiffany blum-deckler #timothy o'neill

[temporarymoods]

taking care

Hi blog, don't think I've forgotten about you! I've just been so busy, and then I got sick, even though I didn't want to admit that I was under the weather at first. Now I'm waiting for my period to come, and every month it's so tantalizing. There's this very parade-y buildup, I mean the PMS is quite rough, and it all starts like 7-10 days beforehand, but then just as it's supposed to crest, everything stops. There's a calm before the storm, which without fail has me begging for it all to hit me already!! Part of my eagerness has to come from the fact that I am more prepared than the army for such an onslaught of destruction. Think of a way of collecting period "blood"--- guarantee you I have it, in its most organic form no less. Tampons? Check, with clean cotton. Pads? Multiple kinds, with magic powers. Cup? Yup. Technical underwear? They're actually great, and I own three pairs. I guess every month I just go rando with my method. Maybe switch it up on day 3 (definitely, actually.) My old therapist, the one who was a bit too woo, told me that your period is a gift, in a way: Built-in self-care time, or rather a cleansing, a purging, when deep covered 'stuff' can come to the surface, and you can solve it. I think she thought that cramps were the direct consequence of emotional/spiritual turmoil which was on the sufferer to figure out. Safe to say I haven't taken that last one with me, but the rest sticks, kinda. The idea that you can make something out of once-nothing is not lost on me, as we know. So, being able to ceremonify your period, yeah sure, I'm there. Definitely, actually. Rituals! Greater understanding! Problems and solutions! All make for quite a nice moment. Plus, even though so much about my period does fucking suck, and that's for me, privileged white lady, it means my body's working, and that's not just a given. I remember after my surgery when everything kinda started going again like a system reset, I got my first period a couple of months later. Overjoyed because it meant I was finally normal and healthy and on track with my life, as opposed to fallen off in a ditch, where I had been for too long. This history certainly informs my current affinity for my period--- and, not the be forgotten, the joy not being pregnant :) So, like every other fourth week, I'm kind of looking forward to the spectacle.

Meaning-making is like sticking your hands in a sandbox. Or more like fetching water nearby to make the world malleable under your touch.

Coziness, fuzziness... I've taken these things for granted. I appreciate nmte (now more than ever) the stereotypical, tropey acts such as wearing slippers. "It's what women do," I've known for a long time. But I never felt like them. I've always struggled with leaning into an under-blanket kind of night. But I get it now. And I should really be embracing it more-- being in bed, wearing thick socks, living in sweats. Maybe I'm tired. But you don't need to be exhausted to rest. And resting, squeezing that orange of living for a drop of sweetness, what more could we be here for?

I desire more sweaters. I'm going to a fall festival at a farm soon; it will surely be the highlight of my month. This peach tea I'm currently sipping is very nice. My apple candle is bright smelling and perfect. I love that I get to sleep, and dream (so I can wake up and realize it is not real.) One of my dear friends is flying to visit for the long weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to a new cafe, which I've managed to make a habit of. Schoolwork is tough, but it will be over soon, and my everyday will blossom better. I owe some texts to my mom. The air was warming tonight. A newly discovered sustainable fashion brand had a great sale; a package will be arriving soon. There's a list of movies I'd like to watch this month, when I've got time in between open markets and thrifting. I've been asked on a date, but nervous to respond. The silhouettes of my room decor reflects how much I care about this bedroom setting, bringing me peace. I'm glad I got to blog again, even if it feels overwhelming. Hopefully my Depop listings will reach the right people.

What would be the first step in securing safe absences for those dealing with menstrual pain, really, where would we even start? I'd love to get some acquaintances around and discuss this. How would I do that?

Haha, Kate

p.s. brain noisy, pillow time

#menstrual cycle #october #foryourconsideration #comfort #autumn air #wheretheleavesat

[jolliestlolli]

Jolly's Friday Blog Update - Dec 9th 2022

Nearly forgot about this shit lmao.

What a week. I could really go for some MJ right about now but it's looking like I probably won't be having a green Christmas if you know what I mean.

So let's get down to brass tacks: Writing. I haven't done a lot of it this week, there I admitted it. To say I didn't write at all would be inaccurate, but the most I did was some extremely self-indulgent crap that is not meant for virgin eyes to read. Other than that all I really did was make some minor edits to stuff I've written with a very close friend of mine, and even then I know I could have probably done more. Oh well, there's always the weekend.

I had my first ever CT scan this week. Lately my health has sort of been on the decline, and we're hoping to get some answers soon. The truth is I haven't really been well for a long time now, I've been dealing with varying degrees of stomach trouble since I was at least 10 or 11. You might remember in my Author's Notes on my latest Ao3 story The Greatest, I mentioned how I recently got very very sick and was still not 100% recovered at the time that story got uploaded. I'd say I'm doing a lot better but the reality is I'm still dealing with the same issues I've been dealing with for close to a decade now, I've just gotten to a point where I'm like "This is a normal level of pain for me, therefor I'm perfectly fine". IDK what they'll find on the CT Scan, if they'll find anything at all. I almost hope they do just so I can finally get some damn answers. Whatever happens, I'll say this: I'll be happy if I never have to chug an entire bottle of Barium Sulfate again for the rest of my life.

As far as self-care is concerned, I at least have a decent morning routine in place: Wake up, shower, cook myself breakfast, take a walk around the neighborhood to try to wake myself up. Sure, there's room for improvement; I need to start remembering to brush my teeth everyday before they rot right out of my mouth. Oh also! Last night my mom found this old journal I was using back in 2020 to keep track of everything I ate and drank that day, and what my stomach pain was like. I can't entirely remember why I stopped. I feel like it had something to do with the fact that on some days, I couldn't remember what I ate, or if I even ate anything at all. Or maybe I eventually just couldn't be bothered anymore. Who knows. Bottom line, I'm gonna try to get back into the habit of writing in that journal.

Anyways, on another topic: My best friend and I finally started watching the 3rd and final season of Dead To Me last night, which I have been waiting for for a stupidly long time. If you don't know what Dead To Me is, stop whatever you're currently doing, go on Netflix, and watch it right fucking now. You will not regret it. The fact that it hasn't gotten nearly the level of international recognition that certain other Netflix shows have gotten is a crime and an injustice and I will do everything in my power to rectify this mistake. The basic plot is: Jen Harding is a mother of two that was recently widowed after her husband died in a hit and run. At a grief support group, she ends up meeting Judy Hale, and the two of them form a close bond. But Judy has some skeletons in her closet, and she's not even the only one.

My shitty summary probably doesn't even do the show justice, it's just that good. I can't even go into any real detail without giving away a small fraction of the many twists and turns the story takes. You have to see it to know what I'm talking about. We're about 3 episodes in and I'm just super nervous to see how the whole thing concludes, and I have slight PTSD from the last time I got super hyped over a new season of a show I love to pieces only to be horrifically betrayed... (*cough* *cough* The Promised Neverland *cough* *cough* *cough*)

Anyway that's all I can really think to talk about for now, see y'all on Monday. I'll go ahead and leave you with this screenshot of a funny exchange I had with my best friend last night:

#Jolly's Bi-weekly Blog Update #chronic illness #self care #dead to me #netflix

[caandlelit]

Tokoyami takes full advantage of the darker parts of his quirk when he threatens you. You feel trapped in an eternal darkness, like the air was being stolen out of your lungs. He speaks simply, but full of venom. He's shrouded by this aura of calm vexation. He feels toxic to even be around and his apparent apathy makes it more scary. He feels no guilt when he's reached that point. He's one of the slowest to get angry, and when he does, there's no stopping him. You'd never been scared of the dark until that day.

Momo says how she can buy everything you own. How she could take everything that gives you happiness until you're a shell of what you once were. How she has connections, and could ruin your life with a simple phone call. She radiates pure, controlled rage and you want to get away as fast as possible. You feel as if you're going to die at any moment and from that day forward you'll always look over your shoulder, too scared to sleep.

Uraraka is right next to Shoto in scary, and beside Izuku in surprising. She threatens in smiles. Her usual cheery attitude and excitement don't fade as she happily tells you how she'll make your life a living hell. She laughs as she says how she'll make you watch everyone you care about die before you, knowing you could have avoided it. She doesn't raise her hand, but she leaves you trembling and wetting your pants. You'll have nightmares. Sounds like Toga? It's because they're girlfriends.

Shoto is incredibly blunt with his threats. He somehow corners you alone, and calmly tells you how he could kill you, make it look like an accident, get rid of the body, and get away with it. In excruciating detail. He'll leave you sacred for your life, and regretting the day you got on his bad side.

Tsu will stare into the depths or your soul, daring you to piss her off. Being incredibly blunt, she will, just to make sure you get the message, just walk up to you and threaten to slit your throat or something.

Izuku has, after the first year, gotten into the habit of outright threatening pro heroes. It's blackmail more times than not, he has the info to ruin them. It started with Endeavor, then slowly All Might, after he got sick of beings pushed too hard, and extended until all pro heroes that weren't Aizawa, Present Mic, or Fatgum were doing his bidding.

Tenya regularly subtly threatens to call Japanese CPS on Endeavor to knock him down some rankings on the hero list. Nothing he can be charged with, and nothing that anyone out of 1A can trace back to him, but threats to keep him in-line. Have to make him know his place every now and then.

Izuku and Shoto would be the heroes parents want their kids to look up to. Momo and Mina would be the heroes parents want their female kids to look up to, specifically.

You know how 1A all want to be like All Might (mostly)? When they find out what being a 'Symbol Of Peace' really entails, I don't think they'd want to be on anymore. So they'd become beacons of hope, with Izuku shining the brightest out of all of them.

I know they don't technically have to live together if they're all part of one big hero agency. But like. It would be so fun if they did. And with the local rich kids (Momo, Tenya and Shoto), God knows it's gonna be some big-ass mansion. And it'd be sort of a throwback of sorts to the dorms. And I feel as if they'd the be glad for that familiarity, with how much change is occurring. And also, Bakugo and Monoma under the same roof would be fucking hilarious.

I want to see Shoto deck a fellow UA student for saying the wrong thing. Like maybe they'd say "Bakugo acts like a such a villain, no wonder everyone is scared of him." And Shoto would just look around to see Ochaco holding Izuku back with identical looks of rage on their faces. He'd see Bakugo looking down at his feet, trying his best to look unbothered, but his frown is more sad than his usual one. He'd see the Bakusquad trying to convince him it's not true. He'd see Tsu with her fist clenched, and Tenya glaring daggers at the person, and just deck the guy. Incases his fist in ice, to make the blow harder. Kick him a few times too. And would look up at their shocked faces and shrug, "No one fucks with my family. And Bakugo? He's family. All of you are." Deku just starts bawling there and then.

There's no UA traitor, and they just forgot to remove Touya from the family group chat.

After Monoma realizes that no one stops Bakugo from coming after him when he says dumb shit, learns to control his mouth by their first year of working/living together. Interviewers would ask him, "How do you manage with number 2 (tied with Shoto) pro hero DynaMite trying to 'kill you the time?" And Monoma would just answer, with deep tiredness in his voice "Speed, self control, and not sleeping."

HC that Uraraka's quirk isn't zero gravity. It's gravity manipulation, so zero gravity is just a subsection of that. Her quirk exceeds the rules of zero gravity, and it's plausible that because she didn't have much money growing up, she wasn't able to get it properly tested, which should have been free, but we've established hero society is fucked up. This means, essentially, that she should be able to create a black hole. It'd take a lot of training, and a crap ton of effort, and she'd never do it, but she could.

The heroes should be glad 1A (Shinsou and Izuku especially) are good people. Because they could ruin them. They could take down hero society by themselves, and they all have been given reason too! They're just good people, and the heroes should appreciate that. Because the moment they stop being good people? It's all over.

HC that Aoyama is one of those kids that has known he was gay since birth, and never had to come out because people just knew.

Just realized something, feeling sad so you must too. Shigaraki could have been Touya's Izuku in another world. In a less fucked up universe, they could've been friends. Shigaraki- Tenko could have saved him.

Monoma is trying to start an enemies to lovers with all of 1A, Shinsou included. He obviously knows nothing about social interactions, maybe the poor boy is just trying to flirt the only way he knows how: being a prick.

In the Combined Hero Agency, fans and other heroes wonder how Mei keeps up. She's the only support hero, makes (though her interns help) and designs hero costumes AND support items for everyone in the agency, while also making them for her interns when asked, AND has time to participate in family game night every other week.

She really has no secret, just a love for what she does, hard work, dedication plus a lot of time and patience. That doesn't mean she doesn't endorse the rumors she has some secondary quirk or something, she actually enjoys fuelling the fire and watching it unfold. Fucking with the media is her favorite pastime.

At some point, Class 1A convinced Shinsou to make Endeavor to say "I'm a giant piece of shit" live on TV. And that was only after they swore up and down that he wouldn't be kicked out of the hero course, and promised to take the fall if anything goes wrong. The worst thing that happened was All Might trying to say what he did was wrong but he was told to fuck off.

The boys in class 1A like lending their jackets/sweaters/hoodies/jumpers to the girls. And the girls don't return them a lot, and only Mei, who feels bad if she keeps them, returns them, surprising the boys. You leave yours in the common room, don't expect it to be there in 30 minutes. And it didn't stop there. The boys also take each others' cover-ups (Shoto started this by asking to borrow Tokoyami's), and take the girls'. They find them comfortable and soft, and they nice-smelling. Basically everyone's wardrobes (private stuff is kept separately) is up for grabs by second year.

1A and (most of) 1B (+ Mei) are just like so, physical affectionate with each other. So much that even when they're pro heroes, the media isn't sure which relationships are which. Even when they clarify, they don't do anything to stop the rumors and even revel in it, fuelling them from time to time. Like, Ochaco would show up to an interview wearing Izuku's gloves, and the next she'll be in Tokoyami's sweater. Not to mention that her and Tsu are dating a (former) VILLAIN.

What if Momo like, buys a house. But not just a house. Like when they're still UA students, she buy a house for all her friends that don't want to go home over the holidays/weekends. It's (surprisingly) a lot of them.

Katsuki because he doesn't want to get yelled at after almost dying a crap ton. Denki because his parents will be mad about his grades, and he's trying, but it's so hard, and he can't focus. Ashido because she gets made fun of back home for her looks. Shoto because Enji. Tenya because he wants some time away from the pressure of his family to "live up to the Ingenium name", and don't get him wrong, he wants to be the new Ingenium, but he also when he just wants to be Tenya for a bit. Ochaco because she's tired, and wants a break. She loves her parents, but it's so much stress. Tsu because she'd rather be with her friends. Shinsou because he doesn't have a home. And much, much, more.

I think Dabi would've turned out more like Shoto if he had an Izuku. They were incredibly similar, in mentality and around the same backgrounds. The main difference is that Shoto has people to support him now, Dabi didn't. If Dabi had someone like Izuku to help him, help break down his walls, to make him feel validated, and seen (which, as I stan Shiggy and Izuku being siblings because AFO, could have been Tenko in a different world) he wouldn't be a villain.

Kids that are worried that they'd lose their friends when they become heroes would be So happy too. Like "I want to become a hero, but what if my friends and I lose touch? I don't wanna leave them behind, even if we're pros!" While they'd just be there like "we've been with each other since high school bro. they don't have to go nowhere lol"

HC that their fans would start to believe God is a woman, because Momo.

And like, they would be regular visitors at schools and orphanages. None of them ever got to be kids, and very few of them had good experiences with school, so they would want to inspire more kids. That they can become heroes, too. They'd definitely keep all the gifts they got, plus Momo and Izuku seem like the type to pin up every drawing they get from their kid fans in their offices, no matter how good/bad. It'd be good morale, and the kids of the next generation of heroes would have perfect role models to look up to.

It'd be cute if 1A didn't go on to start their own hero agencies. I mean, they'd have to figure something out with Tenya and Shoto, but I feel as if they would go on to make one, big hero agency instead. They have the perfect selection of quirks and personalities, from rescue heroes to support ones! With a bit of help from their friends, of course. (Yes, Mei is included. I love her too much not too)

Sero and Denki seem like the type to get (platonically) married, though Sero is aroace (personal HC) and Denki is dating Shinsou. No one even blinks an eye anymore, too used to their BS.

I HC that Shoto was previously very closed off with his siblings, even after he was allowed to spend time with them. I want to see, after spending time with 1A, him open up. Slight things at first, like offering to go for a run with Natsuo, or giving Fuyumi a kiss on the cheek, to going to amusement parks with Natsuo, and talking about his day and friends with Fuyumi. They not sure what caused this change at first. But then they meet Izuku, and the rest of the IzuCrew, and 1A, and suddenly it all makes sense, and God do they love these kids.

I want to see 1A actively antagonize Endeavor, but only when there's no one that would tell around. Like, anything they can get away with legally, and somethings they can't, but they make sure to not get caught. Natsuo loves it.

I have this HC that around the middle of the year, 1A just gave up on sleeping separately, or the "everyone sleep in your room" rule. After the horrific bullshit they'd been through together, they figured out that sleeping in the same room as each other helped the (inevitable) night terrors that came. And setting a time that everyone should be in their rooms was disastrous. So now it's common to see Shoto or Izuku in Tenya's room, or Mina and Kirishima in Bakugo's, or some nights they all just sleep in whoever has the most space at the time.

I want to see 1A when they're in 2A move into the dorms again. Like, Enji would go "Shoto I don't want you in the dorms this year." And Shoto, who's been waiting to go back since the dorms closed and has already packed all his shit goes ". . . You've gotta be shitting me, old man. I'm gonna go see my friends, who I value more than you. Fuck you." Then freeze him, grab his bags and run to the spot where the rest of the class agreed to meet, to get food then got to the dorms.

Shoto is constantly being used as the class portable heater, and has learnt to accept it, not without making the occasional "I went through years of abuse and trauma for this" comment though

Hatsume and Izuku should be friends. I feel like they'd understand each other. The others try, but they're the only ones who can keep up with how fast each other's brains go.

I want to see 1A visit Rei in the hospital. It started as Shoto introducing his friends to his mom, but they grew fond of her, and now visit her regularly to talk, and update her on what's going on with like Shoto, or school

Imagine if there was no UA traitor, and they just forgot to remove Touya from the family group chat.

Rei should be introduced to Izuku as "my best friend", Tenya as "the friend who stops me from doing bad things", and Kastuki as "my other best friend, though he denies it". Shoto with his lack of social skills would just go "Oh Bakugo? We're friends. He's like that with everyone."

Rei doesn't need to know about the murder, what she doesn't know can't hurt her. And whenever Shoto tries to mention it to her, Tenya just slaps his hand on his mouth to shut him up, or nudges him aggressively until he (after a long time) gets the message .

After a while, when Izuku is asked what hero he wants to be like, he responds All Might. Why wouldn't he? All Might is bold, courageous, strong, and always saves people with a smile. The perfect hero.

But in his mind, he only has one true answer. Eraserhead. Mr. Aizawa is the perfect hero, maybe not to the public, but to his problem children. He's always there for them, and hasn't failed them like a lot of heroes and the society at large has.

Aizawa-sensei is the epitome of everything they strive to be, and though they'll always give different answers: All Might, Hawks, Powerloader, Cementoss, Lunch Rush, there'll always be one true answer. Something only they know. Mr. Aizawa is the ideal hero.

Dark Shadow uses they/them or it/its pronouns. Just makes sense, considering Dark Shadow isn't human, and likely doesn't conform to the same rules of gender we do

Considering Shoto (canonically) trauma dumps to make best friends (Izuku and Katsuki), it's only a matter of time until he does the same for Tenya. Especially after the Stain arc. And I feel like it'd just SHATTER his world view of heroes and hero society. He sees it through even more rose-tinted glasses than Izuku, so the realization that someone wildly viewed as a hero could so such things and get away with it would be totally new to him. Especially because the only experience he had was with Tensei, who is the ideal hero.

Back on my 1A and 1B hero agency bullshit, all their interns love them. They're always so kind to their interns and treat them really well, despite how they normally are or treat their fellow heroes. They remember what it felt like during their own internships, being scared and on their toes. They don't want their interns to feel like that around them.

In their shared agency, Kota and Eri intern there of course, but so do a bunch of other hero students. Some from Gen Ed too, anyone they feel like have potential, application or not.

The Combined Hero Agency (I don't have a name yet) most definitely teach their interns quirkless self defense, for all the times their quirks have failed them or made things more difficult. Hand to hand and using a variety of weapons.

1A is used to Mei and Izuku (Sometimes Tenya tags along. Very rarely, Denki) meeting up to talk costumes and mad genius shit, with Izuku's quirk analysis and Mei's skill in building, 1A would have the best costumes.

these are all so extensive and thought out .......... i love this anon uve put work into these they're so excellent .......... i love 1a family dynamics :( godddd i love them theyre lovely i love this AHHHHH MAN

#long post #anon #ask #bnha #1a

[owletstarlet]

For a prompt, maybe a Tanunatsu college AU? I'm sort of picturing something where Natsume is visiting the shrine for a weekend and Tanuma is trying not to focus on the fact that his boyfriend now has earrings

(*insert profuse apology for how long this took here* I had initially wanted to get this posted in time for @natsumeweek as one of the prompts was “future” but I guess this is more an early happy-September-birthday-to-Tanuma fic... 

ao3 link in the comments.

When the doorbell rings, it’s a near thing for Kaname to not spill his tea all over the keyboard. He has to remind himself several times on his way to answer it not to look as ludicrously eager as he feels, as though his heart might float right on up and out through the top of his head, in case it’s a mail carrier or a maintenance worker at the door.

It isn’t.

It takes all of a second and a half before Kaname’s got his arms full of him, face buried in his hair.

“Hi,” he mutters, voice muffled against the top of Natsume’s head.

“Hi,” Natsume says back, and Kaname can hear the grin in his voice, feel the arms coming to rest around his waist.

They stand like that for several seconds, in the genkan with the door wide open, and Kaname can feel all the tension he’s been holding for six weeks bleed out of him. Eventually, he asks, “How was your flight?”

“I liked it.” His voice is just as muffled against Kaname’s shoulder. “Sensei didn’t.”

“Really?” Kaname finally pulls back enough to see his face. He looks well, relaxed and smiling, the barest dusting of freckles across his nose from time spent outdoors, and it’s almost enough to push a month and a half’s worth of swirling images and morbid what ifs out of his mind. “You’d think Ponta would enjoy flying.”

Natsume rolls his eyes a little, but there’s something fond in the set of his mouth. “He complained the whole time, about being stuck in human form, and kept saying it was unnatural or something to be up so high where he couldn’t even see the treetops past all the clouds.”

Kaname grins at the thought. “Where’s he off to right now?” He pulls Natsume into the genkan, finally lets him go so he can get his shoes off.

“Probably off getting drunk. Or begging snacks off Touko-san. She was pretty happy to see him.”

Natsume’s been up in Aomori for a little over a month, on a few jobs with the Matsuokas. Field training, as Natori had cheerfully put it to Kaname over the phone. And Kaname hadn’t been thrilled about that, but had felt marginally better to hear that Natori would accompany him for most of the trip.

The Matsuoka clan wasn’t particularly prominent or large, but they were well-funded and well-connected. It was Natori who’d reached out to them over a year ago, once Natsume had given his slightly grudging consent to it. Since then Natsume’s been living two and a half hours away in a spacious apartment and attending a university to which the Matsuokas happened to be generous donors. In exchange for this, and their tutelage, Natsume accompanies and assists them with exorcisms. They’re apparently pleased enough to have him, and Natsume’s told Kaname that they haven’t asked him to do anything he’s opposed to; it’s often either binding a harmful entity or else simply sitting down to listen to whatever it is the troublesome youkai-of-the-day is after. But despite Natori being on good terms with the head of the clan, he’d had to make it perfectly clear that Natsume had no interest in longterm recruitment. Or, at the very least, that potential adoption into the clan was to be a decision that Natsume would be entirely free to turn down.

Kaname himself, meanwhile, hasn’t gone anywhere since graduation. Natori had floated the idea of Kaname joining Natsume, that the Matsuokas be perfectly willing to take him on. And, admittedly, the prospect of learning how to defend himself, and others, with the basics of exorcism under his belt had its appeal. Especially since a big factor in Natsume’s own decision had been an ugly encounter with some cave-dwelling youkai that had landed him in the hospital for weeks, an incident which had ultimately led to the truth--or parts of it, at least-- spilling out to the Fujiwaras. Kaname still has nightmares about it.  

It was ultimately the prospect of being able to go with Natsume while he was out on a job instead of having to sit around and fret about it that had had Kaname prepared to agree to the offer. But then Dad had needed knee surgery, and a complicated one at that. And Kaname learned very quickly just how much work it takes to run a temple essentially on one’s own. Theirs was part of a larger organization of temples in the prefecture, who had arranged for Dad to be sent here in the first place. To be fair, they’d been as helpful as they were able, and are still paying Dad a salary. Another priest would come two or three days a week to fulfill necessary duties and rites and enabling them to stay at least partially open to visitors while Dad recuperated, and a maintenance worker would show up once a week to help Kaname care for the actual grounds. But Kaname still typically spends the better part of his week at the desk of Dad’s cramped office poring over order forms and spreadsheets he doesn’t always understand, attempting to balance the books of a little temple that barely takes in enough revenue to stay afloat even with the organization’s support. He’s gotten better at it, and Dad’s helped a lot, but even though he’s  recovered enough to receive visitors and resume some of his religious duties, Kaname still tries to keep him out of the office most days so he can get some rest.

Still, Dad worries, not only that Kaname is overworking himself but about how his friends have all gone off to school, how he rarely leaves the temple grounds unless he’s running errands. He knows about Natori’s offer regarding the Matsuokas, Kaname’s discussed it with him. And though he’s made it clear that it’s ultimately Kaname’s decision he’s made it equally clear that he likes the idea—both for the sake of Kaname’s mental health and for the prospect of him learning how to better protect himself. On occasions when Dad’s pushed himself too hard and worn himself out, Kaname has threatened to accept the offer but go on to major in accounting just to get hired on by the temple organization and then end up right back home. But he has to admit, he’s been dreaming of it—of the airy kitchen that always smells just a bit like the tea Natsume drinks in the mornings, of the sun-dappled corner where Sensei likes to curl up and nap, of the balcony overlooking a cityscape both unfamiliar and beautiful in its own way, the mountains that look blue in the distance. Of waking up to Natsume’s cheek squashed against the pillow beside him, safe and whole and wonderfully there. He’ll probably have to wait until the next academic year begins, but he thinks it wouldn’t be so bad at all.

“I have something for you,” he tells Natsume now, scooping up the backpack Natsume had set down while taking off his shoes. Natsume smiles, tilts his head just a bit in question. But when he does, Kaname sees something, a glinting just beneath his hair on one side. He blinks, steps forward to brush Natsume’s hair back. “What’s—”

And when he sees what it is, he thinks his face must do something odd, because Natsume’s smile has faltered a bit, turned sheepish. “I actually thought you’d have noticed them already,” he says.

“I left my glasses by the computer,” he murmurs, and he thinks he’s staring. He should probably stop staring. “And your hair’s gotten longer anyways.”

Natsume shrugs, looking a touch pinker than before. “It’s just on the one side.” A pause. “It doesn’t look weird, does it? I don’t really trust Natori’s opinion.”

“It’s not weird.” The answer is immediate, almost embarrassingly so. He realizes they haven’t moved from the genkan, and that he hasn’t quite managed to quit staring, so he takes Natsume’s hand and tugs him towards the kitchen. He hopes his palms aren’t as clammy as he thinks they are.

There are two hoops in his left earlobe, side by side, one silver and one gold, catching the light from behind strands of pale hair. They’re subtle enough—Kaname doesn’t think the tip of his little finger could fit through either—but the sight of them makes the air stick strangely in Kaname’s throat.

“Did they hurt?” he asks, a moment later.

“Not really.” Natsume takes a seat at the worn kitchen table, hand hovering up near his ear in a way that’s half considering, half self-conscious. “Right when they do it, yes, but not so much after.”

Kaname goes to get Natsume a drink, but pauses with his hand on the refrigerator door, considering. “Any particular reason you got it done?” he starts, tone as light as possible. If Natsume’s already shy about it, Kaname doesn’t want to make it worse, but he can’t pretend he isn’t curious. “Just because you wanted to, or…”

“No, I—I mean. I don’t hate it, but there was a reason.” The shade of Natsume’s cheeks is on just this side of salmon when Kaname glances back, and it’s so frankly adorable that Kaname has to turn his back again, not trusting himself to keep a straight face. “Do you remember the farm in Aomori I told you about?” Natsume continues. “The owners had called the Matsuokas for an exorcism because their livestock kept getting sick so we stayed for a few days.”

“I remember.” He also remembers all the grim visuals his own imagination had served up over the course of those three long days, until he’d gotten the text that all was resolved and that Natsume was safe and whole and on a train away from that place.

“The family had a connection to a lesser exorcist clan that sort of fizzled out a few generations ago. And Sayaka-san—ah, the wife—was really her aunt and uncle’s only heir because they didn’t have children. They were both exorcists, and she’d inherited a few things from them.”

“Did the angry ayakashi have something to do with that clan?” Kaname asks, setting two cups of lemonade on the table and sliding into the seat across from Natsume. And god if it doesn’t do something to him, to see Natsume right there, right across from him, pale fingers wrapping easily around the lumpy clay cup Kaname made in middle school, afternoon light through the window settling in his hair and glinting starlike off those new tiny hoops in his ear and every day, Kaname wants this every day. Just this. He swallows, hard, forces himself to pay attention because Natsume’s talking again.

“It actually had nothing to do with them. The farm had been owned by her husband’s family anyhow, but. The land the farm sat on was at the center of some dispute between two ayakashi, some territory thing they bicker about every hundred years. All Sensei and I really did was get them both to agree to meet each other, and they mostly sorted it out themselves from there.”

Kaname blinks. “The Matsuokas didn’t do anything?”

Natsume shrugs. “They didn’t really need to. Sensei worked out what was going on pretty quickly, and didn’t really wait up for their help. He thought the exorcists barging in would just make things worse.” He pauses to take a sip of lemonade. As soon as he does, his eyes light up. “Ah—your lavender! You got to harvest it?”

Kaname feels a grin touch his lips as he watches Natsume take a second, larger gulp of the lemonade, in his face all the bliss of an elementary schooler who’s gotten his hands on an ice cream pop at the park. He’s a bit surprised Natsume didn’t notice the smell straightaway when Kaname had poured it, but to be fair the entire kitchen smells a bit like lavender most days. “I did. I’ll tell you about it later. Finish your story first.”

He does, after yet another hearty gulp. “When it was all resolved and we went to tell the family, Sayaka-san wanted to give me a gift. I told her not to, because it was more Sensei than me, and Hiiragi helped too—Natori sent her with me because Sensei didn’t want him there either—they made sure neither of the ayakashi could get away until they settled the dispute. I asked a couple of questions, mostly because I wasn’t sure what was going on—it was something about a sacred pine grove—but it wasn’t like I resolved things for them.”

Kaname doesn’t need to hear the specifics to be soundly convinced that Natsume’s not giving himself near enough credit. He takes his own sip of lemonade, the tartness of it tempered by the softer herbal taste that lingers on his tongue. “What was the gift?”

Natsume smiles, a bit rueful. “Earrings.”

Kaname points. “Those?”

“No, these were just to get the piercings done, but I can show you later. They’re talismans, and pretty effective ones from what Sensei could tell. It’s a set of six, they’re little round polished stones in all different colors. I’ve got the types of stone written down somewhere and what each of them is useful for but I don’t really remember. Sayaka-san had inherited them from her aunt and uncle.”

“Did she know what they were for?”

“Vaguely. Enough to think she didn’t have as much use for them as I might. They’d just been sitting in a box in the house, and she was really glad the problem was fixed, so. She insisted. But Natori also insisted on paying her for them.” His mouth twists. “She didn’t love that, but I think he had a sense of how valuable they were, and didn’t want anyone trying to step in and claim I’d gotten them illegitimately. I like Yasuda-san and Tanaka-san—they were the clan members that went with us—and I really don’t think they’d do something like that, but I guess it’s better to be cautious.”

Kaname’s not sure how to feel about that. “That’d technically make them Natori’s then, right?”

Natsume huffs a short sigh. “I did try to make him take at least some of them, but he said they’d do me more good than him, that he’d feel better if I wore them at least some of the time. Also that his agent would kill him anyways if he showed up with holes in his ears. So he took me to get mine done, instead.” His hand’s inching upwards again, like he can’t decide if he wants to touch his ear or hide it from sight.

Kaname reaches across the table and intercepts his hand midair, lacing their fingers together in a move that’s objectively more awkward than suave, but it makes Natsume’s lips twitch nonetheless, and that feels like an achievement. “What’d the Fujiwaras say?” he asks.

“Well when I explained why I got it done, they were all for it, but.” Lips pursed, he looks equal parts embarrassed and affectionately exasperated. “I think it sort of amused them. Touko-san said it looked ‘very handsome’ and had me promise to clean them really well, and Shigeru-san cracked a few jokes about rock stars.”

“I mean—”

Natsume shoots him a withering look. “Don’t you start.”

Kaname agrees with Touko; can picture the barest hint of mischief touching the corners of her wide, delighted smile. “Will you get the other side done?” he asks. “If you’ve got six.”

He shrugs. “Natori said two at a time would be fine. And both sides seemed a bit…”

There’s a dozen different adjectives Kaname could fill in at the end of that sentence, none of them remotely close to what Natsume looks to be thinking. If he had showed up with both sides done, Kaname’s quite sure that his own reaction would’ve embarrassed them both.

“I did think—” Natsume starts, then seems to need a moment to rally himself before continuing. “If you wanted,” he begins again, looking rather more at some spot on Kaname’s cheek than at his eyes. “You could take some of them.”

“Oh.” It’s safe to say that’s not an offer Kaname had anticipated. “I’m not…I’m not an exorcist, though.”

“Neither am I,” Natsume counters, his fingernail tracing idly across the back of Kaname’s hand where their hands are still twined together across the tabletop. “Not really. And you are good at cleansings and banishings, anyways.”

“That’s…it’s kind of just a matter of showing up and remembering the words, but thank you.” He’d been practicing a bit of that at Dad’s suggestion and with his help, and had genuinely found the memorizing to be the most arduous part of it all; he’d taken to muttering the trickier, more unwieldy bits of sutra under his breath to practice while watering the plants or doing housework, most days.

“You’re good at it,” Natsume repeats. “I don’t want to make you feel like you’ve got to go and put holes in your ears if you don’t want to but I thought…” he trails off, looking uncertain.

“Thought what?”

 He lets out a tight breath, then says, the words jumbling together a bit as though he’s afraid he’ll lose his nerve if he doesn’t get it out quickly, “I thought you could use them if you still wanted to come apprentice with the Matsuokas too.”

“I do.” He surprises himself with the immediate answer, but it crystallizes inside him even as he says it. “I will.”

Natsume’s eyes go round. “Really?”

“Really.”

Natsume smushes his lips together for a moment before speaking again, the taut look on his face suggesting there’s something before him now that he’s not sure he ought to hope for. “But…your dad—“

“I think Dad’s close to packing my bags himself if I don’t get out of here soon and go do something that doesn’t involve spreadsheets and invoices.” He feels himself smile. “I’d need to wait for the new school term, and don’t think I can do much to help out an exorcist clan, but…”

“You’ll do fine,” Natsume interjects, in a murmur. “I told you that.” And he had; as nerve-wracking as it is for Kaname to consider that he’d be literally blind to so many of the youkai the clan would be taking on, Natsume had said that he’d already met a handful of respected exorcists who worked for or alongside the Matsuokas whose sight for the supernatural was even less than Kaname’s. Some, even, with no sight whatsoever—who, like Dad, could compensate for that fact with knowledge and technique and become formidable in their own right. It’d been a comfort to know, but Kaname can’t say he’s not nervous about getting someone hurt because he couldn’t keep up, or excusing himself to go be sick behind a tree in the middle of some crucial binding or ritual because his body wouldn’t tolerate it.

Still.

“I want to go with you.” It’s out of his mouth before he can even find it in himself to be embarrassed about it. He’s staring at their hands, his own wrapped tightly around Natsume’s cool fingertips like he’ll find himself alone in the kitchen if he lets go.

Some of the creases in Natsume’s forehead soften. “That apartment’s too big for just me,” he says, with a tiny smile, looking down into his cup. “As long as you don’t get yourself eaten.” He pulls a slight grimace. “Or recruited.”

The first option’s more likely than the second, Kaname thinks but doesn’t say. “I won’t if you don’t,” he says instead.

“No chance of that.” Natsume taps the side of his cup with two fingers. “I think Sensei would rather eat me himself than consent to working for an exorcist. It puts him in a bad enough mood to be mistaken for a shiki as it is.”

Natsume had been very clear from the beginning, that his only reason for working with the Matsuokas was to learn to protect people, though Kaname also knows that means doing so without having to harm any ayakashi that ought to be left well enough alone. Kaname’s not sure why any of that has to be mutually exclusive from pursuing exorcism as a career path, but he’s certainly spent less time with exorcists and clan politics than Natsume has. And he can’t say he wouldn’t appreciate Natsume choosing a less dangerous day job.

“You’re sure?” Natsume’s asking him, now. His expression hasn’t changed much, but behind his eyes Kaname can see the years stacked upon years of learning to brace himself for rejection.

“I am."

***

They’re on the veranda now, legs hanging over the edge, the tips of Natsume’s socked toes not quite brushing the mossy carpet below.  Heaped on the floorboards between them is what Kaname now realizes is probably an excessive amount of lavender: dried blooms in a glass jar, loose stems fastened with twine into bunches, yet more blooms rather poorly sewn into cotton sachets with simple blessings Dad had helped him write tucked inside. And finally, currently perched atop Natsume’s head where Kaname had placed it on a whim a moment ago, a carefully twisted wreath of pale purple and silvery green.

“You don’t have to use it all,” he tells Natsume, tapping lid of the jar. “Or take it all. It’s a lot.”

Natsume gives him a small sidelong grin, and with those slitted eyes catching and holding the afternoon sun as if it belongs to them, Kaname has to remind himself to breathe.

“Did you leave any for yourself?” Natsume asks wryly.

A soft snort. “Plenty. I had no idea they’d bloom so much this year, after how pitiful it was last year. I harvested most of them twice.”

Kaname’s got a literal dozen plants, the seeds a gift from one of Dad’s associates who’d gotten them on one of his frequent trips to a network of temples in Hokkaido. Kaname had sprouted them in egg cartons and had done his best with them, knowing that plants more suited to a milder climate far to the north would be finicky to say the least. It had taken two years to coax a decent harvest from them, and that had taken digging up a long strip of garden space to fill in with the sand and gravel they needed, and then painstakingly potting and repotting them all to move them between the flowerbed and a sunny storeroom he’d cleared out at the rear of the house when the weather grew too wet. Dad had joked that they’d bloomed so well this year because Kaname had spent so much time mumbling sutra while tending to them, but whatever the case it had been deeply satisfying to cut and hang the bunches of long fragrant stems up to dry when they’d been so scraggly the year before.

Natsume takes a sachet into his hands, holding it gently between his fingers up to his eye level. It turns a faint purple where the afternoon sun lights it from behind.

“I’m not sure it’ll do any actual good in protecting you,” Kaname says, watching him lightly touch his fingertip to the outline of the card where the blessing is inked. “Taki would be better for that. But it’ll make your pillowcases smell nice, at least.”

Natsume brings it up to his face, letting his eyes shutter as it covers his nose and mouth. “It smells like your room,” he says softly. He reaches up to where the wreath is settled in his hair. “This too.”

“Well I’ve got the one on the wall near my bed,” he says, certain he’s failing to sound casual when there’s that rare, unveiled softness in Natsume’s eyes. His tongue feels heavy and strange, and there’s a sensation like so many soda bubbles fizzing and popping in his chest, but he somehow manages to say, “The smell’s relaxing, so I like it there, but. You can put it anywhere you want. Sorry for not tying it so neatly.”

Natsume takes his hand off the wreath, sets it over Kaname’s, fingertips chilled from the refilled cup he’d carried with him. “It’s a good thing the apartment has a big veranda.”

Kaname chuckles, shakes his head. “Not big enough for a dozen large pots. Where would we hang the laundry?”

“We’ll fit them.” Natsume shrugs, tips his head back, looking utterly serene. “Won’t you want them for your tea?”

And that’s about when Kaname can’t take it anymore. He turns, cups Natsume’s face in both hands, and kisses his parted lips.

For the space of a breath, Natsume’s motionless against his mouth, but Kaname barely has the time to start to wonder if he’s done the wrong thing before he can feel the cool grip above his elbows, practically taste the featherlight sigh between lips that have opened wider to move with his own.

When they part, a long lightheaded moment later, Natsume’s reaching up towards his own hair, brows scrunching together, cheeks marvelously flushed under Kaname’s fingers. “Isn’t this poking you in the face?” He taps his makeshift crown.

“Yes,” Kaname says simply, leaning in to peck the very tip of Natsume’s nose.

Natsume bites down on a smile, not quite managing to look disapproving, and not moving to take it off, either. “All the flowers will fall off.”

I’ll make a better one, is what he means to say. What comes out of his mouth instead, entirely unbidden, is, “I missed you.” His voice snags oddly on the last word, and he swallows hard. A month and some change does not warrant falling to pieces on him, Kaname tells himself sternly, a handful of colorful nightmares notwithstanding. He’d made enough of a scene when he’d nearly tackled him at the door, hadn’t he. Still, he doesn’t trust himself to speak until Natsume does, his throat feeling suspiciously thick.

Natsume, for his part, looks a bit stricken, at first. And Kaname has the sudden thought that he’s grappling with the idea of being missed to such a degree in the first place. But the expression shifts soon enough into one of concern, and warmth.

“You won’t have to, for long,” he murmurs, after pulling Kaname back in for a gentle brush of lips across his cheekbone. “I won’t, either.” A lingering pause. Then, “…ah, sorry. That’s got to be stabbing you in the eye, right?”

Kaname blinks when Natsume abruptly pulls away, feeling muzzy and untethered and wanting very much for Natsume to be kissing him again until he realizes that Natsume’s gingerly lifting the wreath off his head. It catches on his hair despite his best efforts, enough to tug a few blossoms loose, and enough to knock aside those strands that have grown out just long enough to fall past his earlobes.   

And Kaname couldn’t have pretended not to stare if his life depended on it.

His hand’s up, fingers outstretched before he even realizes. “Can I, um. It’s not going to hurt you or anything if I—”

“No. Go ahead.”

But Kaname’s only just touched the tip of his finger to the outermost hoop—the barest amount of pressure enough to make it lie flat against the bottom of Natsume’s earlobe—when Natsume sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, ducking his head out of Kaname’s reach.

Kaname snaps his hand back, distressed. “I’m sor—”

“No, it tickles.” Natsume straightens back up, rubbing at his ear with more vigor than he probably ought to whether it’s fully healed or not, leaving the metal gleaming against reddened skin.

Kaname raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

The glare Natsume shoots him is truly remarkable, though the effect is somewhat dampened by his mussed hair, the crumbly bits of lavender that have fallen onto his shoulders. Kaname throws his hands up, a picture of innocence, tucking this particular scrap of information away for a later date.

“For what it’s worth, though…” he starts, once he is well and truly sure that Natsume won’t try to scoot himself several meters down the porch and out of his reach; his arms are wrapped loosely around himself and he’s smiling again, though warily. But at that moment Kaname finds himself so thoroughly arrested with love that he couldn’t have launched the anticipated attack if he tried. “For what it’s worth. The earrings look good.”

#I didn't mention it in the fic but I need you all to know #Nishimura is absolutely thrilled by this development #'let me touch them' 'no' #natsume yuujinchou #natsume's book of friends #natsuyuu #tanunatsu #tanuma kaname #natsume takashi #owlet's fanfic #lizzyeleven #prompt fic #ask meme

[retvenkos]

Congrats on 2.5k!! You're an amazing artist, and have no idea on how many times I've read your fics 😂 even tho I'm kinda shy to comment... sorry, I'll try to work on that 😅 Can I get a 🔥 for Narnia, Newsies and Harry Potter Next-Generation?

I'm a straight girl, INFP, Hufflepuff, Daughter of Athena (in Percy Jackson universe 😂). I really like to read, and watch movies or TV series, theater or... anything that tells a story, I really don't care about the media as long as they have a good story to tell. I also really like writing, I really write a lot about what I think, or some poems, or even have tried writing songs, but I have no music knowledge so... lol. I really love music, I've loved music since I can remember, and I'm currently trying to learn how to play guitar.

To me, the most important thing that I have are my friends, I appreciate them more that anything in this life and would give my life for them. But I'm not an affectionate person, it's kind of rare when I'm openly about how much I love them, and only with real close friends I tell them a little more often how much they mean to me, and I'm not really into physical touch either, just with really close people.

I love long talks where I can talk about... anything. I have so many thoughts about so many things, and I'd really like to share them with someone, and that person to tell me what they think too. I'm open minded, and if someone doesn't agree with me it's ok, but I really like to debate and be able to see everyone's point of view.

I don't tend to say when I'm feeling down, and I'm kind of good at hiding it, (I hide my feelings with humor lol) so... I have to be really sad to let people know about it (and just really close ones). I don't feel comfortable letting other people know when I'm not feeling well, and even if they know it's still rare that they could help me so... I just feel with it on my own (even tho it would be nice to have someone there sometimes). On the contrary, I'm always there to help everyone. Most my friends come to me for advice and I help them the best I can. So... I'm kind of the therapist friend that no one check how is doing lol

You could say I'm kind of a geek? Nerd? Whatever xD but I like to have fun (like... it's easier to get out of trouble when you're one of the "good kids" in class 👀 I still follow most of the rules tho, just know how to have my ways sometimes). I'm kind of the stereotype for Ravenclaw, but I'm a Hufflepuff xD so yeah... I really like music, and musical theater, and lots of reading. Love to spend time with my friends, but really enjoy time with myself. I spend most of my day daydreaming, and don't like to follow rules lol (But I'm the voice of reason with my friends. I don't like rules, but follow them... if it's necessary) . I hate people who are selfish, or that don't care about others. Also hate people who manipulate others or that get into "friendships" just to get something out of it (those are fake friends so).

So... yeah, that's it. I'm sorry if it's a lot, and no problem if you can't do it 😅 (also, I would love some rivals-to-lovers? If it's possible). Really love your work 💕

Pd. Sorry for my bad English 😅

HP Next Gen:

I ship you with James Sirius Potter!

so first of all, james sirius is one of those dorky jocks who is made up of lame jokes, poorly timed finger-guns, an inexplicable talent in school (despite rarely studying), and persuasion skills that somehow work on even the strictest of teachers.

it is from this that the rivalry between you is born. james sirius potter doesn’t have to do anything! he can run a hand through his god awful hair, give a teacher a grin, and his entire year is set. he can skip lessons for quidditch, where you get extra work when you were sick with dragon pox! it’s not fair that james sirius potter gets to waltz through this school like he’s all that, and the rest of you have to suffer.

at first, the rivalry wasn’t that bad, you just rolled your eyes in class whenever his obnoxious “thanks, professor” was heard over the din, or whenever you went to quidditch matches and he showed off on his broom, instead of doing his job as seeker (at which he was pretty good, not that you’d admit it).

BUT THEN,,,,, you become herbology partners, and things get bad. fast.

you get that harry potter is friends with neville but really? neville, head of gryffindor house, the most just of gryffindors, is letting james sirius potter leave class 20 minutes early because he has quidditch practice? practice that, mind you, doesn’t start until AFTER class has ended? your professor leaves you to do the work of two people all on your own because james sirius potter said it was cool that neville cut the head off of nagini? come on! everyone says that!

so you end up having to do extra work, which leaves less time for your other classes, and you have to do it in herbology - a class that has the potential to be deadly when difficult. 

it’s not a week until you march up to gryffindor tower (which is a pain on the legs, especially since your common room is in the basement) and wait for james sirius to show his sorry face. he doesn’t come down until lunch time, and then you have to follow him down to the great hall, because he “didn’t have breakfast” and he needs to eat “for quidditch.” it’s annoying, and yet he’s smiling the whole time?

you tell him he can’t leave class early - you almost had your finger bitten off the other day because no one else was there to hold down the plant while you tried to pick off it’s petals.

he says he can’t, but he’ll do your essays or whatever. “that’s plagiarism, you realize that?” “alright, then i’ll give you my notes.” “you don’t take notes.” “then i’ll start.”

and this is clearly going nowhere, so you sigh and leave.

it’s probably not even two weeks later when you are going to neville. he’s the head of gryffindor house and the one who made this arrangement. can’t he do something? the professor tells you that he chose you to team up with james sirius because he knows you can handle it on your own - and then he gave you some lame excuse about why james sirius needed the extra time, something about him about to be promoted to team captain at the end of the year or whatever.

and next class, for the little time that james sirius is working with you, he teases you about how you went to the professor. it annoys you to no end.

about a week later, you come down with a cold - madam pomfrey says a lot of it is due to stress, and while she gives you a potion to help you out, your still sick for two days. the day you get better, it’s the weekend and you get up early with the plan to get to the teachers before the quidditch game starts and ask beg them for less homework, or at the very least pick up what you missed. it’s early - almost everyone is still asleep, and when you walk out of the common room, you see..... james sirius potter? he asks if you’re alright - he heard you were sick for a couple days. you’re a little too tired for this, so you just answer his questions, no complaining. he then hands you a stack of parchment. “what is this?” “notes, for the classes you missed.” “oh.” “and i know how you feel about the rules, so i didn’t actually write you a herbology essay, but i did give you a good outline.” “oh.... thanks.” “’course.” and he gives you one of his awkward smiles and a solitary finger gun. you roll your eyes, but wish him luck in the game. he’s a little shocked, but you say it’s against ravenclaw, and their egos need to be taken down a peg.

and from there you are a little softer toward james sirius, but he’s still annoying as hell.

i have a very vivid idea of you having gone to a quidditch game, and gryffindor, of course, won. you decide to wait in the stands until everyone clears out, because it’s easier that way, and you want to finish your popcorn, anyway. james sirius has lingered on the pitch with the current quidditch captain, and when he sees that you’re one of the few still lingering, he goes up to meet you. he sits down next to you and steals a bit of you popcorn, which makes you roll your eyes, and he says something like “i didn’t expect you to wait for me.” “i wasn’t.” “sure.” and the two of you sit there for a moment, james coming down from the high of winning, sharing the remnants of your popcorn. it starts to drizzle and james uses his wand to make an umbrella, and the two of you start up a conversation about whatever - definitely not school related, and not even quidditch related, just something out of the blue. it’s not until all of the popcorn is gone and it’s raining in earnest that the two of you walk to the castle, james laughing at his own jokes and you smiling despite yourself.

i also imagine that, when the two of you become better friends, james sirius has a quidditch accident where he maybe breaks his arm or something. you get to go into mom mode, and james sirius teases you, saying that he “didn’t know you cared.” and it’s reminiscent of the dialogue above, but instead of denying it, you say “of course i do, you idiot.”

alright i went off (and now i want to write a fic about this) but i think the two of you would be really cute together because james sirius would love to talk with you about everything. he has a whole lot of siblings, and as the oldest is great at keeping conversation and he’s also actually really good at reading a room, despite what he may pretend. he would know when you’re feeling bad, and he’s also really good at accurately finding your insecurities and then boosting your self-esteem in exact ways.

and i also think that you and james sirius are music enthusiasts. if you are a pureblood, he introduces you to the wonders of muggle music, and if you are a half-blood or muggle born, you bond over your favorite muggle artists.

also, i have this headcanon that james sirius learns the guitar so he can be a certified heartthrob™ and no doubt he got the idea from you - you were in the hufflepuff common room just messing around, and he notices your guitar. maybe you learn together?

and while james sirius isn’t much of a reader, he loves movies more than anything else, so the two of you definitely have marathons.

Narnia:

I ship you with Peter Pevensie!

alright, the two of you would have the sweetest, most supportive relationship I’ve ever had the pleasure of writing

this one is a certified friends to lovers because from day one, the two of you get along really well together. even though peter is a little more extroverted, he’s the older brother and has a lot of introverted tendencies because he’s tired™

there is nothing that peter would love more than going on a walk through the gardens with you, talking about your interests - he likes to steer the topics to what you like to do because (1) he likes the way your eyes light up when you talk about what you love, and (2) he is tired of talking about himself. as king, he’s only ever talking about the problems he’s facing, or big problems that cover all of narnia. the smaller interests you have are his respite, his chance to have a bit of normalcy, as a high king.

you are also both hufflepuffs, so you’re fiercely loyal to those you love, and you’re both hard workers - stopping at nothing to do what needs to be done. you are both there to bolster the other in their efforts, but also get them to relax at the end of the day, since caring as much as you do and working as much as you do is the definition of exhausting.

you’re also the parent couple! we have peter, the dad friend (complete with the worst dad jokes you have ever heard. they’re even worse when they’re “king” jokes which are like dad jokes 2.0) and you, the mom friend! together, you make sure that your friends (and subjects) are well taken care of. and you act like stand in parents for edmund and lucy, which is not only exhausting but rewarding.

now, even though peter is a very affectionate person, more than that he’s thoughtful and the moment he realizes you don’t like that, he’ll stop. he’s more than happy to just be near you - reading books or pouring over documents with your input (because he definitely gets your input on issues of state). 

he also becomes big on getting you flowers or making you food (because headcanon that peter learns to cook in the cair paravel kitchens!). peter just has a lot of feelings, and as long as he has a way to express them, he’s good. 

he loves it when you give him praise, so whenever the two of you are stargazing and you compliment him, he blushes deeply. use this power wisely, because he will blush a deep red, and it’s a little awkward when he’s the definition of heart eyes in the middle of a privy council.

Newsies:

I ship you with Crutchie!

alright, so you and crutchie are, once again, a really sweet couple.

crutchie loves your way with words - you have a tiny notebook that he got you as a present, one year, and you are constantly writing poetry in them. you will often show him your work, and he’s astounded with your level of craftsmanship. he’s told you on multiple occasions that you should write one of those poetry books that he sees well-to-do men buy for those they love, and you get al bashful, one of his favorite looks.

also, both of you are dreamers. you definitely have lots of talks together, usually when you’re doing something absent minded like mending clothes or selling on the same corner, and you talk at length about what you want for this world, and what you hope to do in it. crutchie has a big imagination, and so do you. sometimes, the two of you see who can make up the best, most random story.

also! in a high school! au the two of you are the sweetest, most unsuspecting rule breakers ever. i mean, you’re friends with race and albert, after all, there has to be a chaotic streak in you somewhere. everyone is genuinely surprised when they realize that you and crutchie have snuck out of class and pulled the fire alarm before.

the two of you are also big readers. i imagine that crutchie likes mystery novels a lot. idk why, exactly, but he loves sherlock holmes, so the two of you not only read books together, but rate the different versions of sherlock holmes adaptations. (modern! au, of course, unless benedict cumberbatch is making tv series in 1899)

you debate over which of you is watson and which one of you is holmes. you’re both really smart, so it’s hard to say which one of you gets sherlock rights.

also, both of you are really good at hiding when you are hurting or in pain. and yet, both of you are also really good at spotting it in the other, seeing as you know the tells of hiding. i think you are both really empathetic and would be good with each other - leaning on each other when necessary and always being attentive of the other. all around, you’re a great match.

also, in a modern! au crutchie would love the percy jackson series. the two of you would riot over the terrible live-action movie and be very excited when the disney+ series comes out (here’s to hoping they don’t botch it)

#2.5k celebration! #celebration #lxncelotships #i kinda went off with the james sirius headcanons but i got the vibes and now i want to write that fic lol

[writemywaytoyourheart]

BTS Reaction: When You're Sick

Requested: yes! By @thebooksapphire thank you for the request love, I hope you like this^^

BTS Masterlist ← find all my works here lovelies~

a/n: fourth BTS reaction everyone, so guess what?: (~•.•)~.... anyways, I hope you guys like this one! I was sicky this week so I needed this 🤧 the Lord himself is the only reason I got this one done 🙏

*I do not own any of the gifs, credits go to rightful owners*

KIM SEOKJIN:

Oh. Oh no. you're beautiful sir.

"Please just let me take your temperature Princess. It'll only take a second, I promise." Jin sighs sadly when you whine and turn away from him for the third time in the past five minutes. Your husband sits there for another minute, then gently touches your shoulder and whispers into your ear, "I made some soup for you love, I know you're hungry. Just let me take it first." You stay silent, debating, and Jin smiles. You shift your body until you're facing him again, your face is sweaty and exhausted looking, he smiles at you sadly and takes a piece of your hair that was stuck to your forehead and tucks it behind your ear. There's a question in his eyes and you nod slightly, he sighs in relief and brings the thermometer past your lips, putting it under your tongue when you open your mouth.

After about twenty seconds you hear a beep and Jin takes the thermometer out, squinting at it to see the numbers.

101°F / 38.3° C

He frowns and stands up, you reach out and grab at his hand weakly, "Jin," you croak out, and he turns back to you, "where are you going?" he leans down and kisses your forehead before saying, "I'm just gonna get that soup and some medicine for you, ok love? I'll be right back." You nod and he squeezes your hand gently then sets it down and leaves the room.

A few minutes later Jin comes back in carrying a tray; a bowl, a glass of water and a bottle of medicine are sitting on top of it. He sits at the edge of the bed after setting the tray on your nightstand and helps you sit up on the pillows that he piled up for this specific reason. You've had the flu for about a day now, your husband found you yesterday when he got back from the studio, while you were in a sweaty exhausted heap on the bed. He took a few days off to help you get your health back, which you were so thankful for as he helped you move to a sitting position, seeing as you didn't think you'd be able to do it on your own at the moment.

Jin puts some pills into your hand and guides you to put them in your mouth, helping you swallow them with a drink of water. Then he spoons out some broth and starts to feed it to you–which you eat eagerly.

He smiles at you as you keep eating, not having had a decent meal in at least a day. "I love you Jin, thank you baby." Your voice is starting to come back a little and he smiles even wider, "I love you too Y/n, now keep eating, we need to get your strength up."

Jin was the most caring husband you could've ever asked for. Being sick was horrible, but when Jin was taking care of you it made it a lot more tolerable.

And you can be sure that he'll have a lot of good dad jokes up his sleeve to cheer you right up.

MIN YOONGI:

may...may I please hug you?

You reach over to the tissue box next to you miserably, taking yet another tissue out and blowing your nose for what felt like the hundredth time today. This was not how you wanted to spend your weekend at all, but you'd caught the nasty cold going around and were forced to stay at home; watching movies, blowing your nose, coughing, and wallowing in a blanket of misery and sickness.

Suddenly your phone rings and you pause the show you're watching and grab your phone. It was your fiance calling–probably because you had been avoiding all human contact for the past twenty-four hours–and he most likely thought you were dead, which you might as well be. You answer it and don't even try to sound less than miserable.

"Hello?" Your voice is cracked and broken, sounding just as bad as you feel.

"Y/n? Honey are you sick?" Yoongi's voice sounds worried on the other side of the phone and you nod tiredly, then realize he can't see you so you squeak out, "yeah I am, it's just a cold though." He's silent on the other end for a second then says, "can I come over then?" You wait another minute to answer since you started having another coughing fit, then when you can breath again you hold the phone to your ear, "no baby, I don't want you to get sick. I'll be fine in a few days." Yoongi is silent again, then you hear some movement on his side. He keeps shuffling around until finally he says, "ok baby, I'll be there in about ten minutes ok? Love you." You start to protest but he hangs up before you can get much in, "Yoongi, no. Don't co–Yoongi?" You look at the phone to see he's hung up already. You sigh and drop your phone on the couch, pulling the covers up around you even more.

A little later you hear a knock at the door. You squint at it then remember that Yoongi was coming over–somehow your fogged up brain completely forgot about that. You stand up and stumble to the door to unlock it–your legs all wobbly from not having been used for a while now. When you open the door Yoongi is met with you standing there; hair in disarray and no makeup, watery eyes and a pink nose, wrapped up in a blanket. He tries not to laugh but can't help it when a small smile slips out, you were still the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. You frown at him but open the door nonetheless to let him in, and he walks in holding a small bag. You gesture at it with your head, the only part of you not covered in a blankie, "what's in there?" He walks over to the couch and sits on the spot that isn't littered with your many a used tissues. You waddle after him and sit next to him, "I told you not to come over Yoongi, I don't want you to get sick." He just shrugs as he pulls stuff out of the bag, "does it look like I care about getting sick? I want you to get better and I don't want you to be alone. Now, here is some cold medicine, it's the best I've had, it really works. Here's some more tissues, and also some snacks to cheer you up." After he's pulled it all out he sees your eyes start to water, "you ok, Y/n? You gonna sneeze?" He shifts away a little, as if you were about to sneeze all over him, and you start to laugh then smack him, "no, you idiot. I was touched by what you did for me." He grabs your hands that are smacking him and laughs, "ok ok, sorry, now let's get this medicine into you."

After you've taken the stuff he brought for your cold you snuggle up on the couch again, and Yoongi pulls you close despite your protests. The both of you snack on the food he brought and put on the drama that you two are currently watching together.

You'd be better in a few days, but right now really wasn't too bad. Min Yoongi could always make things better for you couldn't he?

JUNG HOSEOK:

I had a rough day, this gif made everything okay again. Thank you Hobi

"Are you sure Y/n? Maybe we should take you to the doctors." Hoseok looks at you anxiously, seeing you slightly pale, curled up on the couch. You shake your head, "it's just the stomach flu Hobi, they can't do anything for me." Your boyfriend nods miserably and strokes your arm, he knows that always calms you down. You'd thrown up twice that day, but thankfully you weren't throwing up right now. You suspected it was one of those twenty-four hour tummy illnesses, and you knew you'd just have to stick it out. Going to the doctors wouldn't do much but have them confirm what you already knew, you were sick. Whenever you were sick, the best thing to help you was to distract you from the pain. So Hobi would try different things to get your mind off of it.

He'd already danced and joked around like a goofball for you and had you smiling like an idiot, but now you were both worn out. You had your eyes closed and Hobi had laid a light sheet on top of you, since you'd been switching from feeling hot to cold all day long. Earlier, Hobi had fed you some broth and had you nibble some crackers while sipping water. With a little something in your tummy you felt a bit better and now you were trying to relax while Hobi was reading a book out loud to you. His fingers brushed lightly up and down your arms as he read softly. Soon you start to drift off, but something keeps jerking you awake again. Hobi notices and sets down the book, crawling around to lay next to you, as he continues to trace patterns on your skin.

"Hobi?" he hears you whisper weakly, he moves to sit close to you but hasn't lied down yet, "yes, Jagi?" He whispers back, rubbing your shoulder gently. Your eyes are slightly open as you turn to look at him, "thank you, for everything."

He lies down next to you and whispers, "I love you baby, try to get some sleep now." His soft fingers going along your arms and the warmth of him next to you makes your eyes flutter closed once again, and soon you drift off to sleep. Hobi stays next to you while you sleep, to make sure that you don't wake up again. You don't, and eventually he starts to fall asleep as well.

He'll definitely be there when you wake up, and you can be sure he'll think of whatever he can to distract you while you recover. Which definitely includes lots of cuddles and a good movie.

this was so short, I'm so sorry, but honestly it's one of my favorites, Jhooope :((

KIM NAMJOON:

*scrambles frantically to grab the kiss*

Namjoon is extremely smart, everyone knows it. But when his new wife catches a terrible cold he seems to throw all knowledge out the window and replace it with complete and utter panic. This is what you find out after you've caught a really bad cold, now lying in bed with a pounding headache and a stuffed nose, making it hard to breathe like a normal human.

Namjoon rushes into your shared room once again, arms full of tissue boxes, medicine, and a bunch of random stuff that you have no idea where he got it from.

"Namjoon honey," you can't help but laugh at his frantic self. He looks at you wide-eyed, "yes Y/n? Is there anything else I can get you? How are you feeling? What can I do to he-" You cut off his rambling with a wave of your hand, he shuts right up and walks across the room to sit on the side of the bed when you wave him over.

He sets all the stuff he was carrying on the floor and takes your hand when you reach for his then you clear your sore throat, "Joonie, you have helped me so much already. You got me food and blankets and look, some tissues and medicine now. Thank you, for everything. But, now I just wanna cuddle my husband, is that okay?" He nods and you see his dimples make an appearance, causing you to giggle and pinch his cheeks. Before he gets into bed with you he grabs the cough drops and a box of tissues from his stash, and makes sure you take some medicine for your headache. Then he climbs clumsily over you to sit next to you. His long legs give him trouble trying to crawl across you and it makes him take a second before he's finally situated comfortably. You can't stop laughing until he's done, and he blushes at your teasing. He hands you the cough drops which you take gratefully, then he pulls you into his chest to snuggle.

"Are you feeling any better babe?" You smile at his concern and turn your head to look up at him, "yes Joonie, thank you." He just smiles and hugs you tighter; squishing you against his hard chest, which you love when he does that.

"You're the best husband ever," you whisper after a few minutes and you swear you can feel his blush and shy smile when he kisses the top of your head and whispers back, "I just want to take care of my beautiful wife, I love you Y/n."

"I love you too Joonie."

PARK JIMIN:

*is thrown to the floor from overwhelming feels and uwus*

You hadn't been able to sleep all night long, tossing and turning for hours. All of your bones felt like they were breaking and all your muscles were sore. It was in the wee hours of the morning when you gave up on sleep completely. You had no idea what was going on but whatever it was, you wanted it to stop soon.

At about nine in the morning, you lay there contemplating life and sickness and death as your body feels like it's shutting down. You hear a bling and it takes all of your strength to sit up and grab your phone, seeing a text message from your boyfriend.

Hey babygirl, how did you sleep last night?

You laugh bitterly and type out a reply with your stiff fingers,

I didn't. I don't know why I feel so horrible right now.

Jimin responds right away, your chest feels achy and tight and you take a few deep breathes, then you smile tiredly at his text,

Aww, my poor baby, I'm gonna come over after work today, is that alright?

You message back that you'd definitely like him to come over, then you try to close your eyes for at least an hour of sleep. You'd already called in sick to work, so you didn't have to get up for a while. You lay there and try to ignore the achiness of your stiff muscles and the headache that's starting to creep it's way in.

A few hours later you wake up to your front door opening, you feel groggy and disoriented and you hate it. Jimin walks into your room quietly and smiles at you sleepily watching him as he makes his way to your bed. He sits on the side of your bed and leans towards you, putting his hand gently on your forehead. "Baby, you're burning up." He gets up and walks to the closet where he knows you keep medicine and stuff, he digs around until he finds your thermometer and then he comes back to your side. He slides it across your forehead, stopping at your temple and holding the button down until it beeps. He looks at it and shakes his head, "you have a fever Y/n, how are you feeling now?" You squint at him and try to move but your sore neck causes you to wince and just croak out, "ah ow, I feel like I just ran a marathon, gosh, it's so hot." You shove the covers off of you with all you can muster. Jimin's eyebrows are furrowed in concern and he pets your head before telling you to stay put. You must have passed out again because when you open your eyes once more everything is blurry and Jimin is just coming back into the room. He's holding a wet rag, a glass of water and some medicine. Jimin comes over and sets the cool wet rag on your forehead before coaxing the pills into you.

You start to shiver after a few minutes and Jimin puts your covers back on you, you wince again from the aches spreading across your body. "The medicine will kick in soon, don't worry baby," Jimin keeps stroking your hair and then he starts to hum one of your favorite songs. The medicine does start working eventually and you finally relax as Jimin keeps up his ministrations. You keep fading in and out of consciousness but Jimin stays right where he is.

He doesn't plan on leaving, not until you're fully healthy again. He smiles down at your sleeping figure, "I love you Y/n, feel better soon."

KIM TAEHYUNG:

Ya know, God wasn't f*ckin around when he made Kim Taehyung.

It was a stupid idea to go out without a jacket when there was a giant rain cloud looming overhead, and you knew it. But, you had to get out and see your boyfriend. Today had been awful, you got into a nasty fight with your friend and you wanted nothing more than to just be held by Tae. Of course you should've known you'd get rained on, but to be fair you thought you would have made it to his dorm before it got too bad. Turns out you were wrong.

You're still a few blocks from the boys' dorm and completely soaked. You shiver uncontrollably and keep hugging yourself tightly while you walk in the pouring rain. You had run out of your house so fast that you didn't even grab your purse, which had your subway transportation card in it, so you had to walk. Thankfully you had your phone in your pocket, but you didn't even call Taehyung before you left. You just prayed that he would be home when you got there.

Finally you walk up the steps leading to their dorm. You knock on the door and try to stop shaking, already feeling your nose stuffed up and your throat raw. Jin opens the door and looks at you in shock, "Y/n? Come in, quickly. Why on earth are you out there without a jacket, at least?" Jin opens the door wider for you and gestures you inside. You walk in and take off your wet sneakers, your socks are beyond saving as they are soaked too. Jin hands you a pair of slippers to put on after peeling your socks off. "Th-thank you Jin, I was s-stupid and forgot a coat. Nice day for a w-walk though." You try to laugh it off and he just shakes his head playfully at you. Then you both look up at the sound of a bedroom door opening and someone hurrying out. Tae walks over to you smiling, "Y/n, I thought I heard your voice." When he reaches you it seems to finally register in his brain that you're sopping wet. His face changes to one of worry and he grabs your hand, "baby, your hands are freezing, what happened?" He leads you to his room and closes the door behind you two. Tae hurries to his closet and rummages around in it until he comes out with a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie of his. Then he brings them over to you, "put these on love, I'll be right back." He hands them to you and closes the door behind him when he leaves, giving you privacy to change–which you do quickly–finally nice and warm in his comfy clothes.

Tae comes back and smiles at you in his clothes, he gives you a warm pack that he heated up, so you can warm your hands and cheeks. Then he has you lie down to cuddle with him and tell him what happened. You rant to him about the fight with your friend and he hums in understanding at the right parts of your story. After you finish you tell him you think you caught a cold from the rain, so he hugs you tightly and says, "I'm sorry you had a bad day love, I'm gonna take care of you now, ok? Let me help you feel better."

And with warm food, medicine, and lots of cuddles, that's exactly what he did.

JEON JUNGKOOK:

Can I please just...just hold his hand? :((

You were over at the boys' dorm. Playing Mario Kart with Jungkook and Tae, and doing a pretty dang good job at it if you do say so yourself. You'd beaten both of them at least once and you were gonna sneak up on the two of them for a third time, when you started to feel a little sick. You just assumed it was from playing so long that you got dizzy, but you stopped trying so hard and settled for third place. Then you opted out of the next round, much to your boyfriend's dismay. Tae seemed to want to stop after the next round as well, saying he was bored and wanted to do something else. Jungkook shrugged it off and said he'd just play Overwatch since you both abandoned him.

You had been feeling a little iffy since the night before but you hadn't let yourself dwell on it. Getting sick was one of your biggest fears, especially throwing up. So you kept distracting yourself while you laid on Jungkook's bed. Tae had left to find something else to do and Jungkook was extremely invested in the level he was currently playing. You felt your stomach turn again and willed yourself not to panic, think about random things Y/n, stay calm. When you start to panic you usually have a method of calming down; picking out random objects in the room and describing them to yourself.

But you needed to throw up, now. No talking yourself out of this one, so you jump off Jungkook's bed and run into his bathroom, closing the door behind you and making it to the toilet right as you start to gag. Jungkook was alarmed when he felt your sudden movement and he had paused the game right away. When he heard you throwing up in the bathroom he waited until you stopped, then knocked on the door softly. "Y/n? Baby can I come in?" He heard you whimper and took that as a sign, he opened the door and walked in crouching down next to you by the toilet. You had your head in your hands breathing shakily, "J-Jungkook," he brushed your hair out of your face, "yes, babydoll?" You tried not to cry, you really did, but you couldn't help it when a choked sob escaped your throat, "I'm s-scared. I d-don't want to throw up." Jungkook took your hands in his big ones and held them tight, "I know Jagi, but it's gonna stop, yeah? It won't last forever." You nodded and held onto his words with every ounce of your being, but soon enough you were bent back over the toilet, throwing up once again. Jungkook held your hair out of your face and whispered soothing words to you as he rubbed your back with his other hand. After a good twenty minutes of on and off throwing up, you make your way out of the bathroom, your boyfriend helping you walk. You keep insisting that you need to go home or he'd get sick, but he won't hear of it and makes you lie in his bed. "I don't care about anything but you right now Y/n," after he tucks you in he leans forward and kisses your forehead to see if you have a temperature, which you definitely do.

Jungkook goes out to get Jin to see what he should do and after talking to his eldest hyung he makes his way back to you and does everything he can. Pretty soon you've been given water, crackers are on his sidetable for when you're hungry, there's a bucket next to the bed in case you need to throw up again, and a cool rag is on your forehead. Jungkook is lying next to you and stroking your hair softly, whispering to you about the random objects in his room, and telling made up stories about where they came from and how they were made. You end up falling asleep and Jungkook follows soon after, Jin is out in the kitchen making some soup for you which Jungkook will feed you later. Being sick was terrifying for you but Jungkook knew what to do to bring the panic back down, and you couldn't be more grateful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n 2.0: thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it my loves <3 I wish I had BTS to take care of me rn lmao. I'm sick and this was a biatch to post. It's after 4am, I should sleep, but I can't :')

#bts #bts fluff #bts scenarios #bts angst #bts imagines #bts reactions #bts jungkook #bts x reader #bts x you #bts namjoon #bts suga #bts v #bts jhope #bts jimin #bts jin #bts fanfic #bts hoseok fluff scenario #bts jimin fluff scenario #bts jungkook fluff scenario #bts namjoon fluff scenario #bts taehyung fluff scenario #bts yoongi fluff scenario #hoseok x reader #jimin x reader #bts seokjin fluff scenario #jin x reader #namjoon x reader #taehyung x reader #jungkook x reader #namjoon fluff

[creambunnie]

First Love

ONEWE - Jin Yonghoon // angst , fluff

a/n : this fic was inspired by ONEWE's song IF. you can listen to it while you read this long imagine! enjoy~

.

you were swinging your keys with your finger as you stepped out of a bookstore. your clumsy self accidentally dropped the keys which slid and hit a lady's feet.

your eyes widened as you quickly jogged to the lady to collect your keys and also apologise.

the lady bent down to pick them up and quickly stood back up before scanning the area for the owner.

you waved slightly at her and bowed a little.

"ah sorry, that's mine.". you told shyly.

the lady smiled and passed them back to you.

"be careful~" she chirped as she walked away from you.

you gave an embarrassed smile and watched her back moving further away from you. she was a beautiful lady...

you were about to go back to your spot earlier when you saw a familiar figure. a face too familiar to ignore.

the lady gave the guy a peck on his cheek before wrapping her arm around his.

the guy almost turned around to look at you but you quickly pulled up your hood and backfaced the couple.

.

.

Jin Yonghoon. your first love .

you tried taking calm breaths. you turned back around only to see the empty streets. you chuckled at yourself .

no matter how much you've moved on. your first love will always have a special place in your heart.

~

you wiped the last set of windows before quickly sitting at the counter.

you were a florist at a small shop owned by your mother. she trusted you to operate it on your own. she would come down sometimes too. your mother mostly did her admin works at home, while you monitor the shop.

you checked the clock on the wall.

2 minutes before he passes by your flower shop .

yeah, you had a crush on this guy, he would pass by your shop every morning at exactly 10am to go to the music academy he worked at.

1 minute.

.

you took a deep breath when you saw his handsome face.

how can someone be so ethereal ? he's not human. he's an angel.

your silent admiration was interrupted as you panicked .

he suddenly turned to walk towards your shop. yes , YOUR SMALL FLOWER SHOP.

*wait wait wait what is happeninggggg* you screamed in your mind as your crush entered your shop.

"we--welcome~ how may I help you?". you stuttered.

your crush flashed an attractive smile and scanned the shop.

"i'm looking for flowers that are suitable for a birthday gift!". he explained.

you quickly thought of some flowers combination and suggested them to him.

"ah this is beautiful! i hope she likes it!". your crush exclaimed as he agreed with your suggestion right away.

you felt your heart tugged. ahh he has someone already. of course. he is this attractive, wouldn't make sense if he wasn't dating anyone.

you cleared your throat and straightened up .

"would you like to write a card for your girlfriend?". you asked as you prepared some cards choices.

you looked up quickly when you heard him laugh.

shit. even his laugh is beautiful.

but why was he laughing ?

he calmed down after a few seconds and shook his head.

"this is not for my girlfriend. uhm i don't have one ? this is actually for my teacher. she used to teach me at the academy when i was still a student there.". he explained.

you felt your face warmed up from embarrassment. you slowly nodded and slid some cards to him.

"ahh, sorry. you can choose any cards . they're all the same price. ".

your crush smirked before picking out a card .

.

"i'm Yonghoon by the way. Jin Yonghoon.". your crush introduced himself as he paid for the flowers.

your eyes widened at his bold move and cleared your throat for the nth time.

"uhm i--i'm y/n . y/s/n y/n. thank you for buying flowers from here.". you awkwardly stammered.

Yonghoon gave a cute smile and nodded.

"no problem! i've always been curious about this shop. this shop is as beautiful as its owner.". Yonghoon teased with a wink.

you bit your lips, refraining yourself from smiling too widely.

Yonghoon chuckled at your reaction.

"i hope we get to see each other more in the future, y/n . thank you!". Yonghoon said one last time before exiting the shop.

you stood there for a few moments, trying to process what just happened.

.

of course you knew his name. in this small neighbourhood, Yonghoon was like a celebrity.

he was not only good-looking. he was also talented. Yonghoon's voice is so beautiful, you would feel all sorts of emotions listening to him sing.

Yonghoon was also kind-hearted. he would help the neighbourhood kids when they need any . he was just the guy in the neighbourhood.

Yonghoon was famous among the aunties. they would always try to matchmake Yonghoon with their daughters. but Yonghoon would always turn them down politely.

and that was your wonderful first ever face to face encounter with Jin Yonghoon.

~

a year later , after getting to know more about each other , Yonghoon confessed his feelings for you.

you too told him about your feelings and the two of you started being a couple.

your routine after being a couple wasn't that different than when you became close friends.

you would still visit him from time to time at the academy to have lunch together.

Yonghoon would also drop by the flower shop every morning to greet you .

the only difference was , you would hang out at Yonghoon's place more and even sleep over at his house.

your houses were only about 20 minutes away from each other but Yonghoon said his house was always open for you.

Yonghoon was that clingy boyfriend, and truthfully, he wanted you to just move in with him. he loved it when he has someone to accompany him at home because he lived alone.

but you didn't want to move out of your parents' house just like that. besides, you still had to help your mother with the flower shop stuffs.

although lowkey the amount of time you stayed at Yonghoon's house was way more than you staying at your own. 😆

.

you enjoyed every single time you've spent with Yonghoon.

he was just the sweetest boyfriend ever.

everytime you had free time together, Yonghoon would always suggest for you two to cuddle .

he just loved admiring you silently as he held you close to him.

Yonghoon would always whisper sweet words to you when you two hang out together .

.

it was a weekend, as usual, you were at Yonghoon's house.

an activity the both of you would sometimes do together was watching a movie .

you were sat in between Yonghoon's legs, back against his chest. Yonghoon had his arms around your waist .

something you loved about your movie sessions was Yonghoon's cute habits.

he would play with your hair and massage your head gently. or he would leave soft pecks on your clothed shoulders.

Yonghoon just won't waste any time to show his love to you.

you would giggle when it tickled and Yonghoon would leave double pecks to tease you.

"hmmm babe ? i'm kind of hungry... i feel like eating some jjapaghetti...". you pouted as you turned to your boyfriend.

Yonghoon chuckled at your cuteness and booped your nose with his.

"shall we go to the convenience store together then?". Yonghoon suggested cutely.

you immediately nodded your head. Yonghoon ruffled your hair lovingly before the two of you went out for food.

convenience store dates was also a common thing in your relationship.

the two of you didn't really care about where you eat, as long as the two of you could eat together.

you loved experimenting new food combinations with Yonghoon.

if it was good, the both of you would get super excited and continue eating the same combination of food again and again until you're sick of it.

if it was bad , the two of you would play rock paper scissors where the loser had to finish up the gross combination.

but Yonghoon was a softie. he would either let you win easily or eat some for you when you really lost after a few rounds.

"cheese , ramyeon , egg , collaboration!". Yonghoon exclaimed as he mixed all those ingredients together.

he saw a video of this combination and he thought it looked good so he wanted to try it.

you settled with your favourite jjapaghetti and some spicy sausages.

.

aside from your cuddle and convenience store dates , you also spend time together at the music academy which Yonghoon worked at.

Yonghoon was specifically a vocal teacher but he could also play some instruments including the piano and guitar.

you two would hang out at his studio when he had no classes.

during this dates , Yonghoon would either show you some works that he was working on as a producer or sing you songs.

sometimes it would be cute spontaneous songs. sometimes it would be your favourite songs.

either way, you loved it when Yonghoon sings. his voice was just out of this world . he was your favourite singer.

.

all those good times confused you when one day Yonghoon suddenly came back home and acted differently .

his usual warm greetings were short and cold.

it had been about 2 months since the both of you had spent time together like usual.

you had been a bit busy with the flower shop. your mother finally had the opportunity to extend her brand and open up another branch for her flower shop at another neighbourhood.

of course you had to help her with lots of things. but those were settled and you finally had the time to visit Yonghoon again.

Yonghoon knew about this achievement and even bought a gift for your mother to congratulate her.

maybe the 2 months of not seeing each other properly made you both a bit distant. but your feelings for Yonghoon was still as strong as ever.

you thought maybe he was just tired from work and wanted to rest.

but your usual fun dinner was dull. Yonghoon ate quickly before staying in his room for the whole night.

you wanted to ask him about his day. you were worried. you were scared at his sudden change in behaviour.

but you thought to yourself to only think of good things and act normal.

you cleaned up the living room before joining Yonghoon on his bed.

you gently slid onto your side of the bed . Yonghoon's back was facing you. you pouted before scooting closer to your boyfriend and backhugging him.

Yonghoon stayed still and let you hold him.

"i missed you....". you gently whispered as you buried your face against his warm back.

Yonghoon didn't respond . you supposed he was already asleep.

~

the next few days, Yonghoon was a bit better . maybe he was just tired with work the other day.

"babe,, do you want to go to the convenienve store together ?". you asked softly.

Yonghoon sighed before nodding.

you interwined your fingers together like usual on your way to the store.

you didn't know if it was just you but his hand felt ....cold.

his entire presence felt cold.

you shook your head and tried your best to act normally.

your usual chaotic store date was silent. you tried swallowing your food down together with the tears that were threatening to fall.

why ? why was Yonghoon suddenly acting like this ?

you felt like he was forcing himself to spend time with you. you felt like he didn't feel the special spark between the both of you anymore.

you felt like... he didn't love you anymore. no maybe that was too far..

you didn't know. you wanted to know. but you're sure if you were to ask him about it now, you couldn't handle it. your emotions were too unstable.

you cleared your throat and reached out for his cold hand gently..

"babe, i don't think i'm sleeping over at your house tonight. and don't worry you don't need to walk me home... i know you're tired.". you said carefully.

Yonghoon only looked at you with a raised eyebrow. "really ? ahh we should get going then before it gets darker.". he replied.

you thought your normal stubborn clingy boyfriend would still insist on walking you home.

but at the junction where you usually separate, he really bid you goodbye and walked away quickly before you could hug or greet him back properly.

you blinked in confusion at his actions. Yonghoon didn't even turn back to look at you.

you were frozen on your spot. was this really happening to you ?

unnoticingly, tears flowed down your cheeks. soon, you started sobbing in the middle of the empty streets.

you covered your face with your palms as your cries got louder.

the usual Yonghoon would whine when you say you weren't staying over. the usual Yonghoon would still walk you home no matter how hard you try to convince him that it was okay.

maybe the usual Yonghoon wasn't feeling the same as before. maybe the usual Yonghoon was tired of loving you.

maybe the usual Yonghoon was gone. you didn't even know who he was anymore.

~

Yonghoon noticed how in the span of only 3 days, your part of the wardrobe was becoming emptier.

he thought you were just reorganising things, but soon even your toiletries and other little things usually in his house was nowhere to be seen.

Yonghoon felt that his house was a bit emptier with most of your things gone.

he was confused. he wanted to ask you. why ?

but he was confused with himself too...

.

Yonghoon was in the shower while you were preparing some breakfast. just for him .

you scanned the house again. absorbing all the memories that you've spent together with Yonghoon.

you walked towards the coffee table and reached for his phone.

you scrolled through his contacts and stopped when you reached yours .

♡ My Love 🌸 ♡

you bit your lips and sighed before pressing the delete button.

you placed Yonghoon's phone back carefully before carrying all your remaining things.

*i guess this will be the last* you thought as you walked slowly to the entrance.

you were about to unlock the front door when you heard his cold voice calling out your name.

"y/n ...".

you mustered all your courage before turning around to look at Yonghoon.

there he was, standing at his spacious living room. looking as handsome as ever. looking as soft as ever. but he looked cold , like never.

"why are you doing all of this ? ". Yonghoon asked with a slight frown.

you looked at Yonghoon in disbelief before approaching him slowly.

you tried your best to hold in your tears.

"are you, seriously asking that Jin Yonghoon?". you asked in a hushed tone.

Yonghoon's frown dipped deeper. he still didn't understand what was wrong.

"why are you doing this ? why are you cleaning up your stuffs ? why did you ,, why did you delete your number from my phone ? what's happening ?".

Yonghoon bombarded you with questions, in a tone as if he was the victim now. as if he was the one who was being hurt.

your palms curled into fists as you neared him . your tears were now trickling down your cheeks freely.

"you really have the heart to ask those questions ? why am i doing this ? i am doing this because i feel like i don't know you anymore. i feel like you're forced to spend time with me. you started acting cold towards me since those 2 months.". you sniffed and wiped your face harshly with your sleeve.

"i tried thinking of only good things, i thought you just needed some rest. but it lasted for a month. a month Yonghoon ! i'm hurt. it feels like you don't love me anymore....". you continued before pausing for a while as your cries echoed in the living room.

Yonghoon only stood there, his face a bit shocked. but even after a few moments, he didn't reply nor deny your words.

you looked at him with a sad smile and chuckled before shaking your head.

" i cleared my stuffs bit by bit , to help you forget about me slowly. so you won't get hurt. so you don't have to go through what i had to... i deleted my contact, so that you won't be hurt if you accidentally see my name. im just , trying to delete my life out of yours, so that you won't be in pain.". .

you swallowed your saliva forcefully as you reached your hands out to hold his cold ones for the last time.

"thank you for loving me these past 3 years , Yonghoon. thank you for all the great memories. thank you for everything. but i think it is finally time for us to separate. goodbye love. goodbye my first love..".

you squeezed his hands before leaving him alone as you walked out of his house. not once turning back.

Yonghoon stared at your back walking away. his voice stuck in his throat. he wanted to call your name out again, but instead , he only managed a sad sob.

Yonghoon slowly sat down and pulled his knees to his chest as loud sobs started filling his now empty house.

it hurt him.

in those 2 months of not seeing each other as much, Yonghoon suddenly started doubting his feelings for you .

he didn't know how it started. Yonghoon just started feeling empty everytime you texted. everytime you called.

Yonghoon thought loving you for these 3 years will lead him to love you forever... but his heart just didn't beat as fast as the first time he talked to you.

he thought it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

Yonghoon tried figuring out himself this past month. he tried to treat you as usual, but he felt fake.

Yonghoon didn't want to lie to himself. he didn't want to give you high hopes .

the day he thought he finally understood himself , you decided to leave him for good.

it hurt him that he hurt you.

Yonghoon didn't realise how selfish he was . he wanted to figure himself out but he was hurting you.

all these while, he thought you were just going to think of the good memories. but he didn't realise , he was actually giving you painful memories too.

it was scary. love .

just when you think you'll love someone forever , just when you think someone will love you forever,

the love fades.

after leaving him , you didn't even try to get updates about Yonghoon or his life.

your parents knew about what happened and respected your decision to move away from that small yet precious neighbourhood.

you ultimately decided that it was best for you to leave that place to clear your mind.

you planned to take care of the new branch of your mother's flower shop at the other neighbourhood.

you asked your parents to never tell Yonghoon about your whereabouts if he ever asks. you doubt it though. he didn't care about you anymore, right ?

~

your long train of thoughts was interrupted with a gentle pat on your head.

"hey babe, i'm done buying my books! oh--- why are you crying ?". your fiance, Jongin, cut his own sentence when he saw your face covered with tears.

you jumped in surprise and quickly wiped your face with the sleeves of your hoodie.

"ahh i just thought of some things... don't worry...". you replied softly.

Jongin gave a cute smile and ruffled your hair.

"you know you can always tell me your troubles. hmm what do you want to eat for dinner?".

you grinned at Jongin's words and hummed before answering, " i feel like eating jjapaghetti and spicy sausages tonight.".

Jongin raised eyebrow and chuckled before wrapping an arm around your shoulder as the two of you walked to the nearest convenience store.

"i thought you didn't like jjapaghetti?". Jongin asked in a confused tone.

you scrunched up your nose at his cuteness.

"it's not that i don't like it... i just don't feel like eating it most of time. but this time i really crave for some good jjapaghetti!". you replied cutely.

Jongin giggled at your response and pinched your cheeks . "alright,, we'll eat some jjapaghetti then!".

~

you were glad Yonghoon was living his life happily with his new love.

you didn't want to be selfish , but you hoped he still remembered your happy memories together after all these while.

.

indeed , no matter how much you've moved on, despite the fact that you're already in love with someone else ,

your first love will always have a special place in your heart.

.

.

a/n : hope you guys liked this fic for our angel Yonghoon💕 ngl , i cried ¾ of the time while writing this 🤡

#onewe band #onewe #onewe yonghoon #onewe yonghoon fluff #onewe yonghoon imagines #onewe yonghoon angst #onewe jin yonghoon #yonghoon #jin yonghoon #onewe imagines #onewe fluff #onewe angst

[fantasticescapism]

As Long As I'm Here, So Are You

Summary:  Mysterio’s betrayal left Peter devastated and hopeless. With no mentor to guide him, how will Peter move forward?

Part 2 of the Never Truly Gone series

Also available at AO3.

You put all your faith in my dreams You gave me the world that I wanted What did I do to deserve you? I follow your steps with my feet I walk on the road that you started I need you to know that I heard you, every word I've waited way too long to say Everything you mean to me In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth I'm everything that I am because of you

I have a hero whenever I need one I just look up to you and I see one I'm a man 'cause you taught me to be one

In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth As long as I'm here as I am, so are you

- In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt

Peter must’ve worn out the carpet beneath his feet after all the pacing he’d done within the jet. He couldn’t help it, not then when the world is in danger and there was no one else to save it. Iron Man was… he couldn’t even say it out loud. He knew Nick Fury counted on him to step up but he couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation. He’s not Tony Stark, he could never be like him.

I don’t think Tony would’ve done what he did if he didn’t know that you’re gonna be here after he was gone.

Happy left him alone to talk on the phone; probably a call from May. She must’ve asked what was going on. Peter sighed as he stopped and sat in one of the luxury seats of the plane. Tony’s nanotech sunglasses was on the seat by his side. It was a big help in uncovering Mysterio’s lies. Mysterio. Another thing that Peter blamed himself for. He was too trusting. He should’ve listened to his gut feeling but his adamance to stay uninvolved made things worse. This was his fault. He really thought Mysterio could be the next Iron Man.

His phone rang but he refused to answer it. MJ had been calling him since that incident in Prague. He knew she’s worried sick and wanted to help but he just can’t put her in any more danger. After the missed call, Peter looked at the notifications he received. There were messages from May, Pepper, MJ and Ned. There were also a few from Harley but there was a lot from Morgan. Most of the time she sent her pictures of what she’d been doing or pictures of drawings she made or new things she discovered like bugs. Sometimes she would ask him to visit her so they could play but, he declined every time.

Another wave of guilt washed over him. The first and last time she saw Tony’s daughter was during the funeral. He just couldn’t face her without breaking down. She should’ve been angry at him for not being good enough to save her father but instead, as soon as she saw him, she gasped and ran towards him with open arms, a wide grin and adoration in her intelligent eyes.

“I knew it! Daddy did it!” She exclaimed as she hugged him. “He said he’ll bring back my big brother and now you’re here!”

He even failed as a big brother.

I can’t do this.

With a shaky hand, he put his phone beside Tony’s glasses then hung his head low and clutched his hair. I really can’t do this.

“Hey, Peter.” A gasp escaped him as he looked up. At the seat in front of him sat Tony Stark, his hologram self.

“FRIDAY? What-”

“If you see this message then that means well, I’m not here anymore. Now, I know you. Whatever happened Peter, it’s not your fault. It’s never your fault.” Tears welled in Peter’s eyes as he continued to watch his mentor and father-figure’s message.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you these in person. That’s all on me so, let me tell you everything now.” He paused to smile. “Remember that talk we had before Germany? Hearing that from someone as young as you, it blew my mind. That kind of strength and bravery is admirable. Hell, ask Rhodey, I was definitely not like you when I was your age.” Tony chuckled. “You gave me hope for the future, Peter. That whatever happens, the future will be in good hands.”

Peter felt his tears overflow but he couldn’t look away from Tony.

“Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your life. I may have been your mentor but I also learned a lot from you." He sighed. "Peter, I'm sorry I failed you. You died in my arms and I’m so sorry.” Tony frowned and fought to keep his tears at bay but the tremor in his voice was unmistakable.

“I may not have raised you, that honor goes to your father and your Uncle Ben but,” a single tear rolled from Tony’s eyes, “you’re like a son to me and I swear, I’ll do anything and everything to get you back.”

Peter sobbed while his tears continued to flow uncontrolled.

“If anything does go south after this time travel thing,” Tony continued after he wiped his tears away, “I leave all my labs and workshops to you. You’ll have all my resources, even those in Stark Industries. You’ll have all you need to create suits and web fluids. You can even make one Spidey suit for every day of the week and it’s totally fine. Go nuts, kid.” Tony grinned. “You’ll have to share with Harley and Morgan, okay? Oh lordy, the world better watch out for you three.”

Despite the tears, Peter chortled at that. Morgan alone could blow everyone away.

“Peter,” he continued after a brief pause, “I don’t expect you to follow my exact footsteps. You once told me you want to be just like me but son, you’re already better than me. You’re the best out of all of us. Even if you decide to hang up the suit and leave the superhero life, it’s okay. No matter what you do, I’m already very proud of you. Just be you, Peter Parker. Got it?”

“Yeah,” Peter answered even when he knew it’s a pre-recorded message, “thank you, Tony.”

“Oh and one last thing before this gets too long.” Tony sat up to move closer to Peter. “Take care of Morgan for me, please? She needs her big brother. I’ve been telling her stories of your adventures both as Spider-man and Peter Parker and she adores you. She wants to meet you.”

Peter nodded.

“You’re going to be okay. It will take time but, you’ll be okay. I love you, son.” At that, Peter finally let himself break down. With his elbows on his knees, he sobbed and covered his face with his hands. If he looked up, he would’ve seen Tony move closer and leave a kiss on the crown of his head before he vanished.

---

Happy walked in the cabin and saw Peter wipe his tears away. He sighed and wished Tony was there, he would know what to do. Happy cared for the kid and it hurt him to see Peter like that.

“Hey, May said be careful and she loves you but you’re in big trouble for not answering your phone.” He softly said. Peter looked at him and gave him a small smile. Happy sat at a seat near the kid and sighed. “Peter, you’re friends are in trouble. What are you gonna do about it?” Peter looked down and Happy watched as he could practically see the kid’s mind go through different plans; listing the pros and cons. Happy thought it looked familiar.

“FRIDAY, open the lab.” Peter stood from his seat and walked towards the circular door.

“Sure, boss.” The door opened to reveal an array of machines and holo-screens. Peter pulled up the schematics for the Iron Spider and the Stark Tech suit. His nimble fingers moved with renewed confidence as he coded. The way he pulled apart different components from the other suits to build a new one made Happy smile. It was like seeing Tony again in his element. That bastard Mysterio better run for the hills.

---

The weekend after the Mysterio incident found Peter and May on their way to the cabin by the lake. He asked May if they could visit and she agreed right away, happy that Peter’s ready to take the next step to healing.

With a box of store-bought pie - Peter’s suggestion -, they walked towards the house and saw Morgan play by her tent. She seemed to be playing a memory game projected from the Iron Man helmet by her side. As soon as they got closer, she gasped, waved the projection away and jumped up.

“Mommy! Aunt May and Petey’s here!” She shouted before she excitedly ran towards Peter. When she reached the teen, she jumped up with open arms. Peter caught her with a laugh, spun her around before he carried and hugged her tight.

“I missed you.” Morgan said as she clung to Peter. He sighed and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“It’s okay,” she grinned as she leaned back to hold Peter’s cheeks with both hands, “you’re here now.” She giggled. Her eyes shone with joy and Peter couldn’t help but remember the times when Tony’s shone the same way.

Morgan wriggled herself free from Peter to greet May when he saw Pepper by the house. She giggled at his sheepish smile and waved at them to come closer.

“We got pie.” May lifted the box for Pepper to see before they hugged each other tight.

“Thanks. Morguna, would you help your Aunt May with the pie?”

“Okay,” Morgan took May’s hand and led her to the house, “Mommy made beef casserole. It’s a little spicy but I like it that way. Do you like spicy food?”

May let herself be pulled inside with a laugh while she indulged Morgan’s ramblings.

“Ummm… Pepper, I-I’m sorry it took some time before I visited.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s-it’s not. I stayed away because,” he hesitated a bit, afraid of what Pepper would think of him, “because it hurts to look at Morgan. She reminds me so much of, of Tony.” He looked down and waited for, for what? He didn’t know. Disgust? Disappointment? Maybe anger? Instead, she lifted his chin up with her hand and...

“I understand. Me too I, I see so much of Tony in her that it felt like being stabbed over and over.” Her sad smile made him feel like a heavy veil laid in his shoulders. “But, it’s also a reminder that a piece of the man I love is still here with me to be nurtured and loved. Sweetie, he’s not completely gone. The people we love stays and lives on in our hearts even after they pass away.”

He could feel the tears well in his eyes but surprisingly, Pepper’s words made him feel more assured, as if the heavy veil suddenly lifted. He finally believed that, in time, they’re going to be okay.

“Thanks, Pepper.”

“Oh sweetie,” Pepper opened her arms and Peter stepped forward to hug her, “you remind me of Tony too so, you’re always welcome here. If I have to tell you everyday, I will. You're part of my family.” Peter closed his eyes as he sighed within Pepper’s warm hug.

“Mommy!” Morgan called. Pepper laughed.

“We better get inside.” She let Peter go and led him back in the house, her arm around his shoulders. “How’s college admission?”

“Still waiting for Cornell, Clarkson and MIT.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll get into MIT what with Tony’s recommendation. Also, housing won’t be an issue since Harley’s got a spare room in his apartment.” Pepper then smirked at him. “Did you know Tony went through at least a hundred drafts before he finally sent yours and Harley’s recommendation letters? Formal writing isn’t Tony’s forte.”

“Really?” Peter giggled.

“Yes! Oh god, it was a nightmare!” They both laughed as they joined May and Morgan. Unbeknownst to them, projected by the Iron Man helmet, Tony Stark smiled fondly as he looked at his family.

#tony stark #peter parker #happy hogan #may parker #pepper potts #iron man #spiderman #rescue!pepper #rescue #iron mom #pepperony #iron dad #morgan stark #spiderson #iron family #far from home #avengers endgame #ffh #avengers #endgame #harley keener

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ro

Ali: One of your kids is here??? Ro: Oh no! Ro: I double checked everyone was aware of the cancellations and everything Ali: You know what people are like, probably received but didn't actually read/listen to the message, like Ali: I'll quickly get in before ma can be her charming self any harder Ro: Thank you Ali: [allow time for that] Ali: Done Ali: Why'd you have to cancel anyway? Ro: Sadly I have yet to master being able to be in two places at once, especially when one of those places is so ridiculously far away Ro: What's more surprising though is that you've remained at home for long enough shepherd my pupil in and out for me without assumedly cursing Tess Ali: Ugh, I feel that Ali: until we're blessed with time-turners, we'll all have to muddle through Ali: and I've been there enough myself to guess where you are, so I won't pout about any potential adventures you could've been on Ali: everyone is DOA and MIA today, plus if I let her shout at me for long enough she might not ground me forever 🤞 Ro: Indeed Ro: Well, I can't deny that would be very much appreciated as I've been subjected to plenty of pouting already as things stand Ro: You can let her know that I'll be making my grand return soon enough which will at the very least give her another target should she desire one Ali: You can probably ignore him, he's just feeling the ill-effects of a 3-day bender, like Ali: some hydration and vitamin c and he'll be over it Ali: can't say the same of mother but my sins definitely outweigh yours Ali: though the offer is appreciated 💚 Ro: He's very much fine in that regard I'd been assured prior to my arrival and of course did my part to truly make it so by making him a late lunch or early dinner once I got there Ro: Regrettably, that offer was taken very much not in the manner it was intended Ro: The tally of my sins therefore apparently exceed the number of yours, in Drew's eyes at any rate Ali: Sounds like Drew Ali: you spoil him Ali: Caleb's mum made him work today, as he was too sick for school Ro: All I've spoilt is his afternoon seemingly Ro: Yet again, I'm a waste of time Ali: Hey Ali: don't take on his bad mood just 'cos he's mad he didn't get what he wanted Ali: you know it's bullshit Ro: None of his grievances are unfounded Ro: I shouldn't break promises Ro: Even if I did make them for less than ideal reasons Ali: No, but you know Ali: you have those reasons regardless Ro: And he has his own reasons to be upset Ali: Which you're clearly giving a fuck about Ali: so he owes you the same in return, yeah Ro: Of course, but his anger is fuelled by how much he does care, obviously Ro: It's because he likes me so much that he wants to take things further than they are Ali: Partly Ali: but I don't think anyone can say that that's all it is Ali: not to discredit how he feels in any way Ali: if anything, it takes into consideration all aspects Ro: He is the only one who can address that with any degree of clarity but its a conversation we're unlikely to have for a while Ali: I'm sure it won't be anything like that long Ro: That almost sounds as if you are in fact discrediting how he feels but I have no desire to get into a disagreement with you about the one I just had with him Ali: No, I'm saying he's nothing if not persistent Ali: trust me, he'll get over it if he has any sense Ro: It's less about the sense he possesses and more about the degree to which my own has abandoned me Ali: Do you regret the fact you didn't or regret the fact you were considering it? Ro: Both regrets somehow exist side by side and I have no idea how that can be Ro: Or which of the many internal voices vocalising my many mistakes I should begin to listen to Ali: Sounds about right Ali: are you in love with him? Ro: Yes Ali: Yeah Ali: it's Ali: the worst kind of headfuck Ali: amongst many other things Ro: What would you do in my place? Ali: About what Ali: specifically Ro: My next move Ro: He says I won't lose him but I know it's more likely than not Ro: Especially now that Carly has her own caravan to host in Ali: You shouldn't do it if that's the only reason why Ali: doing it because you're fearful of any outcome is just a bad idea Ali: it should always be primarily that you want to Ro: I do want to but I also don't want to Ro: It's complicated Ali: It is Ali: it might stop being complicated Ali: or you might do it before it does Ali: either of those is fine and valid Ro: What if it doesn't and I can't? Ali: You will Ali: if you want to, then you will Ali: I said it was the most important factor but definitely not the only, not even close Ali: it's complex but you know, like most things, stressing upon it will never make it less so Ro: I suppose Ali: It's like all this stuff isn't it Ali: thinking you'll never get your period and then it just happens Ali: we've all got our own pace for all of it Ro: And my pace is several steps behind always Ro: Maybe next time I should just go to the party Ali: Well his is coming up so Ali: you will be at that one Ro: Oh my god, don't remind me I haven't even begun brainstorming gifts yet Ali: 😂 Ali: you do have time Ali: but it might distract you from this worry so have at it Ro: You're so fortunate that Caleb's is ages away Ali: I know Ali: so much of me cannot hack that, I'd actually die Ro: After emerging from Carly's mostly unscathed, you could be forgiven for believing yourself immortal, I'm sure Ali: It was pretty hectic Ali: not sure if I'd say life-threateningly so but keep that between us Ali: could tell ma though Ali: keep her from hysteria Ro: I'll use that as my conversational opener when I come in if you'd like Ali: Subtle, cheers Ali: tell her there were no recreational drugs or pre-maritial relations too, whilst you're at it Ro: Carly would appreciate the lack of, I'm certain Ro: More so than Tess would my attempts at such a clearly crafted lie Ali: Can't win with her, like Ali: don't lead with that though Ali: even if that's a truth Ro: It's the kind of day I'm having Ro: I'll simply wish on everything possible that the losses extend to calories as well Ali: Don't waste the magic Ali: I know you skipped lunch Ro: You know because I told you I was busy running around after Drew Ali: Exactly Ro: Nonetheless, I've spent more time on this bus than anything else Ro: It's a pity I can't transfigure my bike here Ali: it seems like a good idea until it starts chucking it down halfway Ro: True, I'd be unlikely to garner any sympathy or permission for more time off from Tess even if I caught my death Ali: Seriously Ali: if she has to see any of us tomorrow at all, she might actually lose it completely Ali: what with Bea and Fraze being their delightful selves all weekend too Ali: the only ones not on the shit list rn are Tommy and Joe and that's only through absence Ro: Precisely Ro: Much like how the idea of finding birthday gifts for Drew is favorable after the nightmarish pursuit we all have to endure in order to provide something that Bea will undoubtedly dislike and return where possible Ali: 😂 s'why I kick it homemade Ali: good luck finding any takers for my sentimental tat, babe Ali: bless Ro: Alas the memory of my childish homemade cards finding their way to the recycling bin earlier than I feel necessary haunts me still Ro: Did Carly like what you made for her though? Ali: 😞 Ali: Yes, thankfully she's far more receptive and forthcoming with her thanks Ali: and the caravan looks amazing Ali: looked, I HOPE everyone kept out Ro: It would be difficult for her not to be, Bea, of course, is without competition in that regard Ro: I was impressed by the pictures despite being well aware of your artistic eye and resourcefulness in gathering materials Ro: Perhaps you should take and utilise all the magic yourself immediately Ro: Protection spells have been employed and succeeded for less Ali: True Ali: and a good idea to boot Ali: I better do it remotely Ali: aside from me leaving the house for anything but school and work rn being a deathwish, I'm not sure of the state I'd find the residents in, like Ro: Hm, yes arguably that is an even better idea Ali: Obviously, I do not plan to be her prisoner for long Ali: but for a great escape, I need even greater plans on the outside Ro: It would be my pleasure to extend such an offer, dear sister, but my own flight of fancy earlier did little else but backfire so it's best I stay under lock and key until I feel suitably chastised Ro: Either by Tess or myself Ali: Self-flagellation is next to godliness, of course Ali: I'll think of something Ro: I have no doubt that you will Ro: But whilst the subject of faltering has been raised, can I ask you something? Ali: of course Ali: scientia potentia est Ro: I was just wondering if you spent much time with Drew this weekend, that's all Ali: Not a huge amount Ali: but I saw him about, doing his thing Ali: if I saw anything like that I would've kicked his arse and told you Ali: in that exact order Ro: Okay Ro: Well, thank you Ali: Of course Ali: sisterhood before everything Ali: especially boys Ro: My favorite religion and the one to which I've been devoted to for the longest and most faithfully Ali: 💚 Ali: What's your ETA? Ro: 13 and a half minutes Ali: Ooh precise Ali: that'll please the jailer Ali: tell her 15 and you'll be back in the good books when you're arse is up the table without her even having to shout up the stairs Ali: 👍 Ro: I already told her 21 minutes so I have enough time to fix my face somewhere that isn't a very full bus Ro: She doesn't need to know that I've been crying Ali: 😕 Ali: Cold water fixes all Ali: we can talk about it properly after Ali: feels like forever Ro: It's not too late to pray for a summer storm Ro: Though it seems everyone misses me until they get the opportunity to spend time with me, so I might be wise to adjust my prayers accordingly actually Ali: Not everyone Ali: just him Ali: and just because he's mad Ali: we'll tea and talk, promise Ro: As long as you share too Ali: I gotcha Ali: you wanna hear all the fantastical and sordid exploits Ro: Fantastical yes, sordid not so much Ali: 😂 Ali: I'll do my best to spin the yarn into something comfortable and befitting Ali: don't worry Ro: Being guaranteed one less thing to overthink about will forever be appreciated Ali: That's my job Ali: one of Ali: labour of love, really Ro: tá mé i ngrá leat freisin Ali: 💚💚💚 Ali: right, I got a table to set Ali: not gonna know what's hit her Ali: Rock even agreed not to throw any spaghetti up the wall Ali: providing I buy him sweets for a week Ro: I'm in awe of your power whether or not she will be Ali: whether a six-year-old can stick to a deal is another thing Ali: did threaten him with a broken pinkie so 🤞 Ro: I'll likewise threaten him with the type of hex befitting a 6 year old promise breaker if needs be Ali: 💀🐸🐀🕯🥀💀 Ro: Our minds have always worked in similar ways, that's a truth which deserves to be universally acknowledged Ro: But for now, go Ro: There will be plenty of time for talking later

[pointthefingerblametheother]

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.

[allisonprince]

things i would like to say when people talk to me

Person: Hey, Allison. How have you been?

Me: Please do not ask me if you do not care to hear the real answer. I'm absolutely terrible, by the way.

Person: Where are you, these days? I see your Instagram and I never know where you are!

Me: Generally, at home with my parents. I like to make my life appear to be more interesting than it is, as I often have no energy to do anything, and can't live alone because I can't take care of myself. I'd like to live somewhere else, but I am too afraid, and probably can't, anyway, because I am too sick. Not like I can be all that far from my doctors, just in case. You never know when I might completely collapse!

Person: What's new?

Me: Oh, not much. I've recently gotten into comic books because they require little money and little energy. (And it's uncommon that I have a lot of either, lol.) I'm really, really good at Mario Kart 8, Deluxe and original. I can finish Ocarina of Time in seven hours, but I think I could do it faster. My hair is falling out again, and every time I move, I can now see my veins, in addition to my ribs. So that's pretty cool. Almost everyone who hugs me tells me how small I am, which feels terrific. I love being reminded. It doesn't make me self-conscious at all.

Person: (looking at me like I am a wounded animal) How's your health?

Me: You don't really want to know the answer to that. You're just being polite. The truth will make you uncomfortable. You do not want to be uncomfortable. You just want to uphold social custom and ask me how I am and how I'm feeling, so I can tell you, "Good" and "Much better, thank you!"

Person: No, really. You can tell me.

Me: Okay, well, all I could eat this week was a cake I made. Really, that's all I've eaten. Just cake. I bet you think that sounds like fun. Last week, it was bananas and M&Ms. My medications are at their highest numbers ever, with ten prescriptions and ten over-the-counters. We still don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm going to be off my parents' insurance at the end of the year, so I'm basically fucked. I'm not any better. I'm not any worse. I'm just stuck in-between, being too sick for almost everything, but not so sick I can't do anything. I did a very easy hike the other day, which was extremely exciting. I ate almost half of my dinner when I ate out the other night, which was extremely exciting. I teach dance for an hour and a half on Mondays, which is extremely exciting. Sometimes I know why I am crying, for a change, which is extremely exciting.

Person: What are you doing for work? What are your plans?

Me: A pathetic-sounding job that is actually awesome for fifteen hours a week. I don't know how to plan for my future anymore. Everything hurts and I'm tired of being polite. I wish you would stop talking to me if you aren't going to be real. You're wasting my time.

Person: You look good. You look better than the last time I saw you.

Me: You humiliate me by saying this. You want to look like me. You want to be my height and this thin, and you have no idea how miserable it is. You have no idea what it costs. I can barely eat. When I can tell this statement is real, it makes me very happy. But mostly it isn't, and I want to take a baseball bat to a china cabinet.

Person: Is there anything I can do for you?

Me: I hate being asked this. Yes, there are a lot of things you can do for me, but you don't want me to say that. You could come help me with my laundry. That would be awesome. You could put new sheets on my bed. (That wears me out.) You could play with my hair and make it look pretty, which is something I'm generally too tired to do. You could sit and keep me company and not make me listen to your problems, while we do that. You don't have to listen to mine, either. But don't come over if you're going to complain about stupid things, which you assume I will understand, because I'm sad, and for some reason, you think my sadness entitles you to pour your sadness all around me until you're empty, and then you leave and I'm stuck with both of our problems. So, like, be good or be gone.

Person: We should go out sometime!

Me: That sounds horribly exhausting, and you're just going to ask me more questions like these. You will suggest we go out to eat. I will feel awkward telling you how difficult it is to find a restaurant that is my-diet-friendly. We will go out anyway, and I will order something that doesn't excite you, like plain white rice. You will be very uncomfortable, and badger me about my decision. Don't I want to have a salad, too? Well, what about soup? Do I want to try a bite of yours? Am I sure that's all I'm having? Yes, this is what I'm having. It's all I can eat here, and it sounds good, anyway. You will feel guilty, and suggest we should have gone somewhere else. I will nonchalantly attempt to explain that somewhere else wouldn't have been any easier. You won't believe me and apologize too much. Even if you stop apologizing, it will show up in your eyes as you look at everything I eat. You will try to remember what I can eat, next time we go out, if we do again, but you won't. If you're a boy and this is a date, everything is a thousand times worse. Maybe we should go see some live music? Not tonight, I'm so tired, and I can't afford it. Maybe I can come to your birthday party next weekend? Oh, to stand around at a bar where I'm not supposed to be having beer, which I really cultivated a taste for and miss drinking, and, really, not supposed to be drinking any alcohol at all, because of my meds, and being forced into similar conversations all evening until finally it's late and I can leave? No thanks.

Person: Well, I could make dinner. What can you eat?

Me: You won't like my answer. Just let me bring my own food and try not to be awkward about it. That'll be the easiest thing. You aren't a bad host.

Person: I'm having _______ problem in my life. You've suffered a lot. Help me out.

Me: How about no.

Person: I noticed that you did something seemingly questionable, and I have no hard evidence, and it's none of my business.

Me: You're probably wrong, but I don't owe you an explanation, either way. Even if you are right, cut me a break, you judgmental asshole.

Person: You are so strong. How do you do it? I couldn't do it.

Me: It's like you think I have a choice.

#personal #really personal #rant #maybe what people who stalk me hope to find #maybe what people who stalk me hope not to find #maybe i will take this down in an hour #or maybe not #maybe i want to make whoever reads this uncomfortable #if you are out there i hope you feel uncomfortable

[punkscowardschampions]

Drew & Carly

Drew: Carly Drew: I need to come over now Drew: On train Carly: k Carly: how long? Drew: idk does it fucking matter Drew: 40 mins ish Carly: i gotta clear out so yea Drew: alright Drew: do it then Carly: i am Carly: whats wrong with you? Drew: got some bad news Drew: need to get fucked up you may as well be there Carly: k Carly: ill make you feel better Drew: ha Carly: trust me boy Drew: no Drew: trust no bitch Carly: everyones out Carly: see im good to trust Carly: keeping my word Drew: tah Drew: don't invite anyone else round Drew: i don't want to fuck Carly: i wont Carly: this about her? Drew: You're jealous of Ro? Lmao, you have NO idea Carly: im not Carly: im asking for you Carly: you dont wanna fuck what else we gonna do cept talk Drew: i said Drew: get wrecked Drew: don't act like that's not what you want too Carly: k Carly: forget i said it Drew: least of my worries Drew: forget about it too Drew: doesn't mean anything Carly: yea Carly: getting that from you Drew: don't be weird Drew: don't need it today Carly: youre gonna get what you need soon Drew: i might need to hide for a bit Drew: cool? Carly: yea Carly: whenever you know Drew: good Drew: can't go back to my flat for a bit Drew: might need to move on Drew: not sure yet Carly: k Carly: for good? Drew: Yeah Drew: bridges burned, nothing here for me now Carly: they gonna come here? Carly: what you want me to say if theyre looking? Drew: Nah, nah Drew: not that Drew: Christ, I'd already be dead, that's where I've been past few days Drew: you're fine, you don't have anything to worry about Carly: Good Carly: can I come there? Carly: ill miss you Drew: I'll come back Drew: My sister will still be here Drew: we can hook up Drew: better get a new dealer for day to day tho Carly: yea Carly: fuck Drew: soz Drew: might not come to that Drew: idk what's going on Carly: what can i do? Drew: Idk, you know a good contract killer? Carly: all my contacts talk and talk Carly: whos fucking with you? Drew: no one Drew: but that's about to change Drew: you want a list? Carly: no Carly: i want you to feel better Drew: why do you care Carly: you make me feel good Carly: who does that for you? Drew: no one Carly: let me Drew: leave off Drew: i'm not in the mood Carly: anything you want Carly: when you are Drew: you're all the same, even the ones of you that front otherwise, makes me laugh Drew: tell you to have some self-respect but doesn't make a difference in the end Carly: im not hurting over this Carly: laugh it up Drew: oh, i am Drew: you're all jokes Carly: if youre trying to fight with me ill go there Carly: idc Drew: go on then 😂 Drew: what could you possibly say to make my day any worse Drew: I'd LOVE to know Carly: why do you want me to? Carly: none of your beef is with me Carly: hit up whoever else Drew: 'cos the last thing i want is that lovey dovey bullshit from you rn Drew: you said I could come to hide Drew: if you've changed your mind say Drew: don't waste my time Carly: its not Carly: you're good to me im trying to do the same Carly: if thats a waste of time its of mine Drew: no, i'm not, Carly Drew: that isn't what this is, or has ever been Drew: we use each other for personal gain, that's it Carly: yea you give me what i need Carly: let me do it for you Carly: stay here Drew: alright Drew: but that's all I need Drew: just the caravan Carly: k Drew: i only need a few days, alright, get my head fucked, then straight again Drew: i'll be out your hair asap Drew: and i'll stay on the sofa, just ignore me best you can Drew: you can keep people away for that long, yeah? Carly: yea Carly: ill put the word out now Carly: itll be sorted when you get here Drew: cheers Drew: i'm sorry okay Drew: know its not ideal Drew: got nowhere else Carly: youre welcome here whenever Drew: i don't get you Drew: none of you Carly: you know whats up Carly: personal gain Carly: i need some bad Carly: the good shit Drew: why not pay for it Drew: you have enough money Drew: what you saving for? new shoes? Carly: i got the sack Carly: whats it matter Drew: 'course Drew: nothing, nothing Drew: i wouldn't want to be anyone's bitch, that's all Carly: k Drew: 'bout 10 mins away Drew: im gonna take some in toilet Drew: can't wait Carly: dont be too greedy Drew: you'll get yours Drew: i'll do what i like Drew: my fucking drugs Carly: dont cry Drew: don't take the fucking piss Drew: you ain't paying Carly: i know Drew: had enough dealing with fucking junkies Carly: dont call me that Drew: what, grown a backbone? Drew: its what you are, darling Carly: if you wanna stay then don't Drew: might take my chances tbh Drew: doing my head in Drew: women Drew: know your bff had her baby? Carly: no Carly: she isnt my bff Drew: now, now, you're not exactly surrounded by offers Drew: though you will be taking back the flowers when you find out Carly: why would I care? Carly: nothing to do with me Drew: is with me Drew: still apathetic? Carly: fuck who you like Carly: youve wanted her for years Drew: well i got her now Drew: 25 to life Carly: thats why youre hiding Carly: she doesnt wanna play happy families Drew: yeah Drew: doubt caleb does either Drew: or her brothers and dad Drew: like i said, list is long Carly: she'll change her mind when she can't do it alone Carly: open arms for you Drew: no she won't Drew: she's not like you Carly: im not like her Carly: never having kids Drew: you shouldn't Drew: state of Drew: the way you go though you won't have choice in the matter Carly: piss off Drew: i'm serious Drew: never make me use protection Drew: doubt you do any other punter Drew: you need to take better care of yourself Carly: its none of your business Carly: im not gonna drop another kid on you Drew: yeah that's what I reckoned with Ali too Drew: like I said, don't trust any of you Drew: especially you Drew: my business when its mine Carly: its not happening Carly: you can go back to not caring Drew: No, I can't Drew: don't you get it? This has changed my entire life Drew: I've gotta leave my home and everyone I've known because Drew: even if I don't step up, she's still my kid Drew: she's not going away Drew: I've not got my head stuck in the sand or up my arse like you Drew: you'll get this rude awakening one day too, mark my words Carly: stay and be a dad Carly: theres no-one in your way Carly: and she's going to uni it'll be a part time thing Drew: Oh yeah, what a dad I'll be Drew: drug dealer with nowt else to offer but gear and a bit of dirty cash Drew: whatever she says, she won't want a kid 'round that, i fucking wouldn't Drew: and Caleb will always be in the way Drew: fuck that Carly: she cant stop you Carly: neither can he Carly: and she will want the kid to have a dad Carly: nobodys is decent Carly: be around Drew: Can if I'm a criminal Drew: they'll just dob me in when they're sick of having me hanging about Drew: it'll have a dad, she knows she's got him Drew: don't need or want me Drew: can't hack it Carly: go straight Drew: now why would you tell me to do a thing like that Drew: no more drugs for you if I'm stuck stacking shelves for a kid that calls him dad and not me Carly: youre not the only dealer, goldie Drew: i repeat, what's in it for you Drew: why you care if i'm around if i'm not funding you Carly: i wanna help you Drew: what about yourself Drew: who helps you Carly: whoever deals in your place Drew: you'll get hurt Drew: shouldn't mess around with people like that Drew: like me Carly: i can handle it Carly: nothing to matter to you Drew: s'not true Drew: you might be stoned enough to pretend you don't give a fuck about anything Drew: but i'm not a monster you know Drew: christ Carly: im not saying you are Carly: but don't pretend you care Drew: shut up Drew: of course i do Drew: i don't want you to get killed or beaten up every day 'and numbed out by the hardest stuff Drew: i only starting dealing to you so you wouldn't go to someone else Carly: its not gonna be that Drew: what's it gonna be? you'll knuckle down, get a job, get some friends, only do a bit for fun on weekends? Drew: that's not what you're doing, not where you're headed Carly: i can stop whenever i want Drew: you can't Drew: if you think you can then you're more gone than i know you are Drew: can't bullshit me on this, i have your tab, remember? Carly: fuck off Carly: im not a junkie Drew: yes you are Drew: and on the off-chance you aren't Drew: you certainly act like one Drew: do you think all girls fuck me for drugs? maybe once for a club drug but this is years now, as often as I'll let it happen Drew: and I shouldn't have but Drew: yeah Carly: don't drew Carly: dont come here either Drew: Carly Drew: I'm sorry Drew: I won't Carly: keep your sorry Carly: i wanted you ok Drew: i know Drew: i've known for a while, longer than i'd ever admit Drew: what else can i say? Carly: nothing Carly: dont talk to me Carly: stay away Drew: but Drew: i want you too Drew: i do Carly: no you dont Drew: i fucking do Drew: i just want to stop Drew: stop helping you kill yourself Carly: im not going anywhere Drew: you will Drew: everyone leaves me Carly: ive got nowhere to go Carly: this caravan is it Carly: and i cant leave you im not with you Drew: but you are Drew: you're constant Drew: you'll either get better and realise you're better than me like Ro and Ali and my own sister Drew: or you'll fuck off to be fucked up somewhere else like my mum Drew: or worse Carly: im not them Carly: im not trying to be better than you i know im not Carly: youre so good, drew Carly: i dont wanna be anywhere you arent with anyone else Drew: i'm not Drew: i'm bad but i can't stop Drew: i don't know how Carly: not to me, you've always been good Carly: looked after me Carly: you said yourself you wanted to protect me Drew: but Drew: i still gave you drugs and i call you horrible things and Drew: only see you when i wanted to, when Ro wasn't around or whatever else dirt I was pulling Carly: i ask ill stop Carly: im not scared Carly: i want you more Drew: its not your fault Drew: do you mean it Drew: will you try Carly: yea Carly: ill be better Carly: treat you better Carly: let me and youll see Drew: how do you want me Drew: i'll do whatever you want Carly: I just want you Carly: I love you Drew: I love you too Carly: be here now Drew: 🏃

#what a mess #when it aug and come april she be dead #sads