#i'm still so fucking upset this is my way of coping

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

At this rate I'm not gonna be able to unmute Gaiden spoilers before adding Infinite Wealth spoilers am I

#smol speaks #I'm gonna be waiting ages before I can click spoiler tags on Discord cgfvbhjnghbjnk #but like i AM kinda sad cause it's like the brainrot is fading? but it's not? the problem is it hyperfocused itself onto a character who wa #there for 2 games. yes i can say 'he's alive to me' as much as i like but it's funny coping denial. i am still legit upset by this fact lol #AGAIN ik it's dumb but he means a lot to me and i love him and it does make me sad when people go 'HES DEAD LMAO' and like. that's the joke #in and of itself yknow? like im somehow dumb for wishing a character received better? but that's a different post entirely #POINT IS im already bored with 6. im bored of Kiryu. i want to see Ichiban but we dont play JRPGs so that may take a while as well. and THE #we play Gaiden. oh fuck when are we gonna play Ishin??? damn there's a lot to play #anyway all this to say Nishiki is still my gf but something about the games and fandom are slowly losing me but not just the regular #'hyperfixation is dying down' way cause i still have a lot to say i just. am i having less fun? maybe? a little bit?

[sol1loqu1st]

i'm going to be seeing a new therapist later this month & i want to bring up possibly/probably having osdd, but i know that since more people have been kinda learning about what DID and osdd actually *are* there's been an influx of ppl claiming to have it (ftr it is NOT my place to tell people they're faking lmao, i don't care if someone claims to have a disorder and then later it turns out they don't & i don't think most ppl are "faking." it's between them & their therapist if they have it or not and it harms no one to self dx, people taking it less seriously isn't the fault of self dxed people either)

but anyway i'm worried that if i go into a therapist's office and immediately tell them i think i have Today's Trendy Disorder i won't be taken seriously. but at the same time there is really obviously *something* going on with me that isn't just normal depression & anxiety and treatment methods for bpd (like dbt, mood stabilizers, etc) haven't helped even a little bit over the several years i've been seeking treatment for it so i'm starting to suspect there's something else going on i haven't been seeing & honestly after talking with my last therapist abt stuff (who i was seeing for bpd/trauma stuff but looking back they were pretty obviously trying to get me to figure out i had a dissociative disorder, whether or not i do they certainly thought so) i'm realizing that some of the things i experience are a lot less normal than i thought and may be consistent w/ an osdd diagnosis (probably not DID because i don't really experience significant memory stuff though lol. i do a little but it's less "can't remember at all" and a little more like waking up from a dream where i can recall the gist of stuff but it feels far away)

i don't even know what id do with a diagnosis though. honestly i just want answers and a place to start in regards to treatment more than anything else

(advice welcome but not expected)

#idk though maybe it is just anxiety #lot of folks im seeing have like. this detailed internal world and talk to their alters and #have like very distinct separate identities and act really different and all that #my stuff is just like..... idk man #i thought i had osdd when i was a teenager but i eventually decided it was bpd mood swings and identity issues #and any memory stuff i did deal with was adrenaline from anxiety #and i'm still not convinced it's like #NOT that? #but the way people talk to me about myself when they're upset w/ me #like there's always this implication that i should be able to control what i do and say even when my emotions are boiling over #but i... Can't #if it's a situation where i could seriously fuck my or someone elses life up i can wrench back control of myself enough #to not get in serious trouble but when i get like how i do there have been times i literally know i shouldnt be doing something and #i want to stop so fucking badly and i just am basically watching myself fuck me over and make awful choices and i can't. stop myself #& i just. i always thought i was just making excuses for myself and that i was just. one of those horrible assholes #who acts like they cant control themself when they hurt others #(& i do take responsibility for the times i've hurt other people or lashed out unfairly. regardless of if it was me or an alter #it's still my responsibility to make things right) #but. idk. maybe it's not just that i'm a bad person #maybe there really is something actually going on with me and i can learn to cope w/ it in healthier ways #also shut up yeah the mp100 finale got me thinking abt this again ok. seeing mob helplessly watching from inside himself #as a Different Him went on a horrible unstoppable rampage. & the solution was that he had to accept the other him as part of himself #was. very much an 'oh' moment for me. so uh #yeah

[impishjesters]

Time out for Jax

warning(s): Jax, temper/anger issues, inappropriate reaction, unhealthy coping methods, suggestive/implied sexual content, cursing note(s): I'm at a loss for the correct words I wanted to use in the tags, but Jax's anger is a little overkill and the reader admits to him not having great coping methods when he's really pissed off and at a breaking point. I'm in no way saying that type of coping/behaviour is acceptable, just that it exists. I also want to state that the sexual implications at the end are completely consensual! A/N: I don't know why this popped into my head but the idea of Caine putting Jax in time out only for it to not really be effective is absolutely hilarious. Plus I told my mom about it and she agreed it'd be something Caine would do and fail at.

“That’s it!” Caine shouted. He raised a hand and gave a quick snap, summoning thick iron bars from the ground that formed a small jail cell around Jax. “You sir, are in time out!”

You and a few others let out a surprised gasp. Caine had never gone so far as to actually do something to punish Jax for his behaviour, if you could even really call it a punishment.

Even Jax seemed surprised if you could get past the obvious miffed expression coupled with a few censored curses being thrown at the AI. Caine did nothing in response to the words except fix his clothes that had seemingly gone astray amidst his anger.

If you could call it that.

Caine turned to the rest of you and rushed through a more dramatic rendition of what was basically I Spy meets hide and seek, the activity he initially had started explaining before Jax’s little stunt. As soon as he finished explaining he let out a huff and disappeared with a poof of smoke.

“God dammit Jax!”

“Holy shit, I’ve never seen Caine so upset.”

“Oh, that’s worrying…”

“He didn’t give us a list of what we’re looking for…”

“Oh, maybe this thing?”

Everyone spoke over one another the moment he left, except for Jax who was still irked at being put in time out like a child of all things. “Oh c’mon this is bullshit, he’s the one who wants to keep us entertained.”

“You tried to pants him, baby.” You approached the bars with arms crossed, staring up at your idiot of a boyfriend. “I don’t even think you can pants him.”

He scoffed and copied your stance, crossing his arms. “It’s his fault we’re stuck here, he wants to entertain us then that would’ve been fucking hilariously entertaining.”

Of course, Jax didn’t feel guilt for literally taunting the entity that was likely your captor. He barely found himself feeling guilty when you did something stupid enough to make him laugh. Entertainment was entertainment, no discrimination there.

“How long do you think Caine will keep you in there?” Gangle asked, slowly approaching the two of you.

“Knowing that bastard? Who knows.” he shrugged.

“Hold on a second..” You took a step back and let your eyes roam the little makeshift prison before letting out a laugh. The whole thing was as tall as Jax and had at least enough room for him to stretch, but that wasn’t what made it so hilarious.

“What? What’s so funny?” Jax sneered, this whole thing wasn’t funny in the slightest. Weren’t you supposed to be on his side, as his partner? He was fucking stuck in this thing until you guys either finished this dumb little activity or got his attention to let him out.

The laughter caught the attention of the rest, causing them to slowly inch closer. “What’re they laughing at?” Ragatha asked.

“Heck if I know.” Jax threw his arms up and stared you down. “You gonna tell the rest of the class angel?”

It took a few moments to compose yourself, but the faint giggle never left you. Rather than answer them out loud you simply walked closer to the cage before slipping yourself between the bars, joining Jax. Caine had been so focused on putting Jax in a cage that he didn’t even take into consideration the spacing between the bars. Sure the bars were thick but they were spaced too far to really matter.

“Baby, you were never trapped.”

You walked back through the bars with little difficulty and Jax’s eye twitched with irritation. “You’ve gotta be shitting me…” He slapped a hand over his face and growled, stepping between the bars and finding himself outside the very useless prison. “I’ll kill him…”

“No, you won’t.” A sigh left you, the giggle dying down completely. At least for you, the others were still varying levels of laughter and giggles accompanied by Kinger’s slightly confusing questioning as to what everyone was laughing about. You could hear someone try to explain it to him but focus your attention on the man before you.

Jax was still agitated and like this, he would be nothing but bad company for the others. You turned to Ragatha and asked if they’d be able to handle the activity for now. She agreed, telling the two of you to return before they finished and got Caine back. Who knew how he’d respond to finding Jax outside of his time out punishment?

The others left and you turned back to Jax before offering an open palm. “How about we go to our room and let the others handle the game? I’ll even help you plan a few pranks.” If only to make sure that none of the others suffered too harshly at Jax’s irritation.

Sometimes his outbursts could get particularly nasty and would often result in some less-than-ideal words or pranks aimed at others. You’ve been on the receiving end a few times and while the first few times hurt, you knew it wasn’t anything to take personally over time.

It wasn’t healthy but it beat letting him keep everything pent up. Plus it had its rewards, Jax would always make it up to you in some way or another when that happened. The worse it was, the better the reward, and boy were those rewards worth it.

“Oh angel I’ve already got a list of pranks planned, but what I want to do is blow off this steam in other ways.” He jabbed a thumb behind himself. “Get walkin’ sweetie.”

Oh, this kind of blowing off steam was your favourite. Double reward in your book.

“Yes sir.”

Jax let out a low growl before following close behind. He’d definitely make it up to you for getting him out of that, his own anger clouded his judgment, and had it not been for you he’d still be stuck there. No, he was going to blow your back out and then reward you with a long, tender round two.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #the amazing digital circus x reader #jax #jax x reader #tadc jax

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am I the asshole for being kinda mean.

I know the title sounds kinda bad off the bat but I don't really have another way of describing it.

I (19NB) struggle a lot with mental health issues. I won't go in detail, but I have autism and bpd. I grew up in a culture that does NOT like discussing these things, and my parents don't believe that my mental health issues are real. Because of this I've developed kind of a complex about talking about my mental health, I know it's unhealthy but I don't actually repress it, it's just a case of I don't like to tell friends (online or in person) anything about my mh at all until I'm sure I can trust them. I also really dislike "therapy speak", mainly bc I've had it weaponised against me in the past, though I recognise it is sometimes an important tool. Another final bit of context is that I did not use any social media at all up until 2022 after having not used socials since I was around 12, due to mh reasons.

I joined a fandom space I'd been casually lurking in since 2019 as an attempt to break into creating art in 2022. At first, everything was smooth sailing. I made a close knit group of friends fast, and everything was all good. Then, out of the blue one day, a friend of mine posted something that was quite triggering to me. It could've played as a joke but also used dark humor I found triggering. Now, one issue I have is that when I get triggered, rather than getting upset or panicky, I usually first get angry, then later deal with those symptoms. I snapped at this friend, then apologised and left the server, saying I didn't want to risk saying anything stupid.

I was dmed by multiple friends of mine telling me I had been horrible to them and made them cry . I don't think I said anything horrible. I think my words were close to "Hey, that's a fucked up thing to laugh at, and actually very fucking triggering for some of us lol" Passive aggressive and a bit mean? Sure. But I apologised almost immediately and I didn't think it was anything to cry over. One friend dmed me to tell me that "humor was their coping mechanism" and I "disrespected their coping mechanism". I attempted to explain that their joke had been triggering to me and that's why I reacted the way I did . Around 5 people dmed me at once while I was in a vulnerable state to tell me that I was being horrible and they couldn't believe I was so mean. I tried to distract myself, but people were getting mad at me for going offline, and it upset me so much.

One of my friends, A, who is from my country texted me to defend me, saying everyone who is mad are just Americans and I agreed bc I felt that way. They seemed like they were only taking into account this person's feelings because they were openly crying and like. Not playing victim but being more vulnerable than I was? This person talked about their mental health often and people would comfort them, but as soon as I was triggered and lashed out it was my fault for being horrible? I ended up apologising, since I really did feel bad for snapping at them, I really just didn't think it was that big of a deal. Some of those people never spoke to me again and I never rejoined the discord. A and I made our own discord later that some of the people who still talked to me joined and we are still friends.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[drdemonprince]

Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

[bellaturner]

I Wanna Be Yours

I suck at titles, sorry 🥹

i'm not sure what this is, it doesn't have smut but its also not fluff (?)

Summary: you always had a crush on Alex, but he's your big brother's friend so you try to hide your feelings.

Warnings: none? (soft dom Alex if you squint a lot)

1,1k words (it was supposed to be a blurb, help)

Part 2 ✧ Masterlist

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The final verses of "R U Mine?" reverberated through the venue, creating an electric atmosphere. As the lights dimmed, you joined the rest of the band at the side of the stage, soaking in the energy of the crowd.

"Hey, Bear!" you exclaimed, jumping into your brother's arms and giving him a tight hug. "Congrats, Matt. You killed it!"

"Thanks, little demon," he chuckled, hugging you back. Matt, your older brother, was always close to you.

Having graduated from high school the previous year, you were still figuring out your path in life. So when Matt offered you the opportunity to join the Arctic Monkeys on their AM tour, you jumped at the chance. Who could say no to traveling the world, experiencing new places, and immersing yourself in live music almost every night? It was a dream come true, and the best part was being close to Alex, the man who made your heart skip a beat.

"You guys rocked it too!" you yelled, offering a smile to Nick and Jamie, who were enjoying a well-deserved break with cans of beer from the minibar in the corner.

You noticed Alex was missing. It was his habit to disappear for a good twenty minutes after shows, needing time to decompress.

Matt led you to the private rooms at the back of the venue. "Come on, trouble," he grinned, guiding you. "We need to gather our stuff. The bus leaves in an hour."

"Roger that, Captain!" you playfully responded, eagerly following him. Every second of this experience felt like a thrill, and you were grateful to Matt for bringing you along. The entire journey was incredible, but being able to spend time close to Alex was undoubtedly the highlight for you.

Your heart had always belonged to him, but you knew the boundaries that existed. Alex Turner, the charismatic front man and sexiest man alive, was older than you and one of your brother's closest friends. In reality, he was unattainable, being your only in dreams.

As you opened the door to the room, ready to gather your belongings for the next destination, you froze. There, seated on the sofa, was Alex. He appeared lost in thought, his hair styled back with a single strand teasingly falling on his forehead, adding to his undeniable appeal.

"Oh, fuck! I'm so sorry, Alex," you stammered, preparing to leave and give him his space.

"Don't worry about it, Y/N," he reassured you with a warm smile.

"I'll just grab my things and be out of your way in a second," you said, hurrying to pack up your makeup, which had been scattered during the band's final rehearsal.

"Well, take your time. You've already ruined my night," he joked, breaking the tension in the room.

That had become your dynamic over the years. Playful banter and teasing served as a mask for the feelings that simmered beneath the surface. It was a coping mechanism, a way to hide your emotions and maintain a sense of normalcy.

"That's for not playing my favorite tonight, mister," you shot back, a mischievous grin forming on your lips.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is the little Helders' princess upset?" he retorted, mockingly pouting.

"Shut up, Turner!" you laughed, attempting to finish packing your makeup bag. However, your clothes were scattered all around the room.

You plopped down on the floor, gathering the articles of clothing and stuffing them into your bag. Your eyes wandered the room, searching for the dress you had worn earlier.

"Alex, have you seen my dress?" you asked.

"This one?" he said, holding up the fabric from the sofa beside him.

"Yep, that's the one," you replied, extending your arms toward him. "Throw it over, will ya?"

He playfully balled up the dress and tossed it in your direction, making you giggle.

"Found this as well," Alex whispered, his voice low and filled with an intensity that sent shivers down your spine and made you look up.

Your eyes widened as you saw him holding your bra by the strap in his hand. Heat rushed to your cheeks, a mix of embarrassment and arousal. You got up and reached for it.

"Not so fast, miss," he teased, pulling his hand back.

You let out an exasperated sigh, trying to regain your composure. "Alex, seriously? Can you just give it back?" you muttered.

His gaze held a mischievous glint as he got up and closed the distance between you, his hand still holding your bra captive. You could feel his breath on your face, sending a tingling sensation down your spine.

"Beg for it," he whispered playfully, his voice filled with a seductive undertone.

Rolling your eyes, you decided to play along. "Oh, please, dear sir, may I have my undergarment back?" you exaggeratedly pleaded, adding a touch of theatricality to your request.

He chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "Well, since you asked so nicely," he said, relinquishing your bra and handing it over with a flourish.

You snatched it from him, attempting to maintain a composed facade. "Thanks," you mumbled, turning away to pack it into your bag, hoping to hide the flustered expression on your face.

Alex's playful nature always sparked a connection between you, blurring the lines of your friendship. Though you enjoyed the light-hearted banter, it sometimes made you question the true nature of your relationship.

With your belongings finally in order, you glanced at Alex, who was standing there with a lopsided grin. The tension between you was palpable, a mixture of unspoken desires and hidden emotions.

"Are you done teasing me now?" you quipped, trying to regain your composure.

He leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a low, husky tone. "Teasing you? Oh, love, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

"Come on, Alex, cut it out," you said, flustered.

"Baby, I've noticed the way you look at me when you think I'm not watching," he confessed, his breath warm against your skin. "All this playful rudeness? Do you think you can fool me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Alex," you protested, your hands trembling slightly.

"But I think you do, sweetheart," he whispered, his voice filled with desire.

"Alex, I can't. You're Matt's friend and…" your words trailed off as Alex's lips crashed onto yours.

His lips were soft yet demanding, and without hesitation, his tongue explored the depths of your mouth. You responded eagerly, letting all the suppressed feelings for him surge to the surface. There was no denying your desire.

Caught up in the moment, Alex's grip tightened, his fingers tangling in your hair. A soft moan escaped your lips as the kiss deepened, and all rational thought faded away.

"Hey, Y/N, have you seen my—"

Matt's voice abruptly cut through the air, freezing both you and Alex in your tracks. The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as Matt's gaze locked onto the scene before him. His expression turned from confusion to anger in a matter of seconds.

"What the fuck is going on here?" his voice was filled with disbelief.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hiii!

Sorry for taking forever to post a new fic, I've been having a rough time lately (I have a thousand drafts but can't finish any of them lol).

This was a request by 💐anon, I hope you like it babee 💕

~ Bella

#request #💐 anon #alex turner one shot #alex turner x reader #alex turner x y/n #alex turner #alex turner fluff #alex turner fic #alex turner imagine #arctic monkeys #arctic monkeys one shot #one shot #fluff #alex turner x you #alex turner fanfic #the car #fem reader #imagine #fan fiction #fan fic #arctic monkeys imagine #am

[aihoshiino]

Atp i would like to see how ruby and aqua's relarionship will go. Not in "Yasss incest!" way but more of how they (mostly ruby) realize that they need to go their past lives and accept their relation as siblings. Or at least how wrong it is even if ruby wants it so much. There is no way incest would happen because Aka hates it. I am more interested in their psychological state and their conflict and resolving that conflict.

I don't think we can definitely say Akasaka Loves or Hates XYZ just because none of us know him, but there is a weird sense of like... discomfort or maybe avoidance on the topic of incest in OnK that I find kind of interesting to just poke at in my head sometimes. Because like, one of my main issues with the way OnK has handled the incest since 123 is that it just... well, hasn't.

I know that sounds insane in a post 143 world but going through the way the AquRuby stuff (or lbr just Ruby) has been written since 123, it feels like there's a very clear distinction between the ideas of "Ruby having feelings for Aqua, her brother" and "Ruby (& Sarina through her) having feelings for Goro, her doctor". When the story wants to play AquRuby for laughs, it leans into Ruby being attracted to her brother. When it actually takes things seriously, the framing is almost always Ruby addressing Gorou and the concept of incest is so loudly, conspicuously absent. You can even sort of see this line being drawn all the way back in 123, just at the end where Ruby very pointedly first addresses Aqua and then, separately, addresses "Sensei". It's almost as if she's purposely trying to create a divide so she can have one without dealing with the reality of what it would mean to be with the other.

It's hard to tell whether or not this is intentional in the sense of being part of Ruby's arc but it nevertheless creates a sense of the series wanting to have its cake and eat it too, indulging in the shock value and spicy intrigue of incest as a taboo without meaningfully engaging with it as subject matter. I've described it elsewhere recently as the series exclusively toying with the *aesthetics* of incest, its surface level referential language and set dressing, while resolutely avoiding going any deeper and I still stand by that. The 143 kiss is actually a really good example of this - the imagery is that of two siblings kissing but on that very same page, Ruby reminds us that in her eyes, she is talking to and in love with her "Sensei". The series has conducted this deeply convoluted narrative trick where it can depict what is very clearly incest without it technically being incest. Even when roadblocks to the GRSR relationship are addressed, it's only ever in reference to their age gap and Ruby always frames it as something that *used* to stand in their way but is no longer an issue now she's 18.

On days I am feeling charitable towards the series, I'm inclined to think this is an intentional part of Ruby's arc and that she is, in universe, being a bit delulu about the whole thing as an unhealthy coping mechanism - her being avoidant of emotionally inconvenient truths is something we see popping up more than once, so this being an extension of that tendency would make sense. When I am feeling more cynical, however, I tend towards thinking this is just an excuse to indulge in shocking imagery that generates clicks without ever having to actually commit to upsetting readers by sinking *or* canonizing incest ship. My best guess is that the truth is somewhere in the middle but it must be stressed that this is just my thoughts and I have no idea what goes on in Akasaka's brain.

Anyway this is just a long and rambly way of saying "word". Regardless of what direction the story takes AquRuby, I just want the story to finally fucking commit to something instead of chickening out every time it gears up to do so.

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk asks #onk spoilers

[whumping-valentine]

Hey, whumplr

Yeah, you. Do you need a quick and easy way to temporarily immobilize your whumpees, that doesn't cause serious injury, but is also painful? Then look no further than the wonderful thing that my brother accidentally did to me a few years ago! Which is hit a GOLFBALL DIRECTLY ONTO MY KNEE.

So there I am, minding my own business at my grandma's house next door, on my phone, sitting on a swing while my brother hits a golfball around in the yard. When out of fucking NOWHERE pain just SHOOTS through my leg because this IMBECILE decided to hit the ball TOWARDS THE PORCH.

DIRECTLY ONTO MY RIGHT KNEE.

It hurt SO BAD. I literally fell to the floor clutching my knee, being all dramatic and woe-is-me because it's how I cope with pain. Meanwhile my brother was just impressed he managed to hit a target that small. I thought it was just gonna be temporary. Just ride it out and I'll be fine. And it was. AT FIRST.

I went home laughing with my brother like, "hey mom, guess what happened" but soon after a few hours the pain came back and it didn't leave. I couldn't even move my leg without it hurting. I consider myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance, yet this had me fighting for my life, man. I never take pain meds unless I feel like I'm dying and I had those bitches on speed dial. It was a journey just to hobble across the hall to go to the bathroom. I was duel wielding canes like a soldier in battle. A few days later before deciding I needed to go to the doctors I was crying in pain and my brother felt so bad he started crying, too.

I had to go and get the most painful X-rays ever to make sure my knee was fucking okay. I was FORCED to stretch it out straight and I was fucking crying on the table like a baby and it was embarrassing. To make it even worse I have mild cerebral palsy that mostly affects my right side, and an exercise I'm supposed to do is stretch out my legs; WHICH HURTS ENOUGH AS IT IS. BECAUSE IT ISN'T SOMETHING I REALLY EVEN CAN DO. I had my leg in like a permanent bent position, man, it hurt so bad to force it out straight. I was shaking and the lady was all "I can't do the X-ray unless your leg is straight" and I was all like "I CAN'T DO IT *CRYING*"

Turns out it was mostly swelling, and I had to take antibiotics to get it to go down, which took like a fucken week.

And actually, a month later, I went out into the city with my family to see a concert. I love the city because I live in a rural place and don't get to see stuff like that too often. I was excited to walk around when all of a sudden my ENTIRE LEG decided it wanted to be a demon. It felt like the joint contecting my leg to my pelvis had a knife sticking through it, and it went all the way down my thigh to my knee. I KNEW it was from the golfball. I was so upset. Though still I persisted on. I walked through that damn city with a limp in my step, getting pizza and cheesecake BY WALKING what a miracle. Unheard of in my rural brain. Amazing.

But damn, man, if you want your whumpees to be crying in pain and unable to move without it hurting like a bitch, just take a golf club and wack them in the knees. Not a serious injury, but it HURTS. Hell, go ahead and take out their elbows too, while you're at it.

Anyways! Yeah. There's your inspo. Golf club to the knees. 10/10.

#lian rambles #my post #whump #whump blog #whump community #whumpblr #whump things #whump prompt #whump ideas #whump inspo

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hello,

I recently got back into the Harry Potter fandom, mostly because of tumblr. Otherwise I wouldn't even consider talking about my hyperfixations with my real friends.

So here's the thing, I know JKR is problematic and that is an understatement. I know this. And I came across a post which basically condemned her and said you shouldn't need more reasons to drop HP than this or something along those lines right.

And I completely agree with them. So I reblogged the post adding to it saying that the only way I am connected to this fandom is through this site.

Idk if this sounds like someone just like pettily complaining about people or whatever. They reblogged that post with my additions saying it's bad to even connect with the fandom, it gives her more support and kind of shamed me for still being a part of this.

Idk I just feel so guilty rn. And I just wanted someone to say it's okay to be here I guess. Until now I have loved HP content here, and this has been such an important part of my life. I can't just let it go.

I just wanted to let it out somewhere. Ughh as I type it out I feel I'm overreating but still. It's kinda been eating me up.

No, don't feel guilty at all! This is such a real feeling, and something I struggle with.

I guess to me, it's a personal decision.

Some people view loving harry potter (and any potter-related fandoms like the Marauders) as support of JKR. And that's...I can't fault them for that. Because people are so excruciatingly MAD. As someone who grew up literally idolizing her, it was absolutely devastating to see her turn into this. It was literally a betrayal. Like...the queer community used to really love her for pushing the idea of love and being yourself and fucking....not living in a closet. SO when she turned into this? It was really upsetting. People have literally had a staple of their childhood tainted, and for some, that's enough to completely write everything HP off completely. And that's fair.

For other people, they've decided to take the series as their own. To basically steal it and say- nope. Sorry, bestie. Not yours to be an author of anymore. I think that's more my view. Harry Potter (not even exaggerating) probably saved my life when I was a child, and got the through so much that I can't just get rid of it. It's quite literally a part of me. So while I respect the people who can't do it anymore, I just can't let go of something that really was a coping mechanism for years.

And then there are some people (like a newer generation) who never saw JKR as the author. It's always been the fandom. And I think that's also valid.

I think it's fair to say JKR doesn't have control over the fandom anymore, and we've made it our own. I don't lose sleep over being a part of it. But again, I think it's a personal decision, and one you can only make for yourself, you know?

#ask #asks #ask cas #marauders era #marauders fandom #harry potter #harry potter marauders #the marauders #jkr is a terf #jk rowling #fuck jkr #anti jkr #screw jkr #fuck jk rowling

[system-of-a-feather]

Man finally got around to watching the "Mr. Monk's Last Case" that I've been meaning to watch since it came out and I always forget just how relatable Monk is to me and how it really just hits home a bit too much how Monk lives and views himself

Like I'm sure a lot of people read the show like its a "haha OCD so funny" gag and I know some people get really mad because "OCD is treated like the butt end of the joke and no one with OCD is actually like that" but it really never felt that way to me as someone who has OCD - particularly because I cope with it the same way.

I totally understand the people that do not relate to it, OCD has a wide way of presentation and an even wider way of coping with it and that is not taking into account co-morbidities, the one in particularly that I think is most important when judging Monk - is C-PTSD and the MAIN one, while not directly mentioned, autism.

Cause the way they DO handle Monk's mental health, both in the original series (which I've watched at least 5 times over in my life) and the newest movie, while silly and haha at times, has always been so realistically done to me that it unironically is the only show or series or movie or game that had nearly made me physically cry because when it DOES get real into Monk's mental health, it gets pretty real, arguably too real.

I think if you are to talk about it as JUST OCD and treat this as "media representation of the average individual with OCD", people are right to say that its not good because I agree, Monk isn't the average individual with OCD and it does play into harmful stereotypes and generalizations of OCD. Monk is advertised as that a lot, so that advertising I disagree with. But if you actually watch the show, the show does little to hide that he has co-morbidity with PTSD / C-PTSD and while they don't outright say it, he is obviously autistic.

And as someone who's dad is has C-PTSD, Autism, and OCD and as someone who ALSO has C-PTSD, Autism, and OCD.... It's really really really fucking accurate and hits home. Something my mom, who lived with THREE people with that matching set of co-morbidities, loves and agrees is super relatable to how it was like living in our house.

And that is where it really gets me when people say "its a bad representation of OCD! OCD doesn't looks like that" cause... yeah it does, for at least three people I know with OCD. Are we a specific minority within the group of OCD? Probably, but we still have OCD.

I dunno man, episodes with Monk's mental health being talked about gets me in ways few things do and I will die on the hill that Monk's shit is very well done and accurate albeit to a specific subset of people with OCD.

And also on the point of it "being the butt of the joke"...

For me, my OCD and literally all my mental health conditions are often used as the butt end of the joke. And I'm not saying that people are wrong for being upset, but chronic mental illness symptoms after you get really used to them and adapt your life to them and just embrace your unique way of living.... it's kind of hard to not find a lot of the quirks in light humor?

Like my fiance always said it about his year with severe Chrons "at a certain point when you are in the hospital having shit come out both ends, you just have to laugh at it cause thats funny shit right there."

I don't think I would have survived recovery with any of my mental health disorders if I didn't take some of the quirks that came out of my adapted life style to be funny and love them anyways.

As long as there is a balance between "this is a serious thing that gets in the way of a persons life" which they DO do very well in Monk, I see very little issue at exploring the kinda funny things living with a chronic mental health condition does.

#mr. monk #mr. monk's last case #mr monk #mr monk's last case #monk tv #mental health #mental health in media #ocd #actuallyocd #actuallyautistic #ptsd #cptsd #c-ptsd

[the-head-ancho-chilli]

Giyu General Headcannons

I'm back! I celebrated my birthday this Saturday and now I have second degree burns when I just wanted breakfast this morning… and I was supposed to have a midterm tomorrow…….. and now I am typing everything with one hand while writing in pain…………

But for now here's some Giyu Headcannons! Requests and asks are still open ^^

Word count: 1k~

So let's talk about Giyu

Everyone is so quick to judge this man and label him as "boring" or "stoic" and while those claims aren't necessarily false, I think we need to give Giyu a bit more credit

He's just really fucking tired, like all the time

Shinobu often teases Giyu and encourages him to lighten up a bit in hopes that he's seen as more open or approachable to his peers, but his efforts don't necessarily work the way that he intends

He's awkward in a where where he just has no clue what he's doing, ever

Giyu is the epitome of waving back at someone only to realize that they were greeting the person behind you

Like you could tell him about your awful morning and end it off by thanking him for listening, but the phrases "your welcome" and "no problem" will get jumbled in his head and he'll just stutter out a "your problem" instead

What's even worse about it is he'll just walk away in embarrassment

It's not an understatement by any means to say that Giyu is an introvert, but he really does value his personal time

A lot of it he spends self-regulating, and he doesn't usually want anyone around while he's doing that

Giyu doesn't talk about it but he keeps a mental checklist of things that he should do throughout the day to retain himself

He actually gets pretty upset if they go wrong

For an example. Giyu developed a routine where he makes tea in the comfort of his engawa and he knocked the cup over, spilling it onto the soil below

He was pretty harsh on himself all day because of it, even walking away from Rengoku wordlessly when he tired to incite Giyu our to eat with him

Giyu's not emotional, rather than he has a lot going on mentally and even the smallest mistake he makes can incapacitate him for the rest of the day

He would rather self-isolate until he feels better instead of bringing down his friend's moods just because he's not in a good mindset

He also journals, paints, reads, and goes on walks to help cheer himself up

Giyu doesn't really advertise that he does any of this because as I mentioned, he really values that time to himself

Would happily join someone if they invited him to do any of these activities though

Usually on his good days, he'll spend time with Shinobu, Sanemi or Rengoku and might even crack a smile or two if they're lucky

He especially likes hanging around Sanemi's estate, listening intently as Sanemi shares about the rhino-beetles he's been raising

Giyu and Shinobu find it very fascinating

What sucks is that Giyu's bad days are really incapacitating, sometimes he just spirals at the end of the day because he reaches an "I did what I supposed to, why am I still feeling like this?" mentality

I wasn't kidding when I said he can be really harsh on himself

The best way to offer help to Giyu is to offer to sit with him

His love language isn't quality time, but he really does appreciate the opportunity to just exist in a space with someone without the expectation that the two of you need to talk or anything

If he does talk, really take the time to listen

Giyu rarely enjoys speaking for a long time, and usually just communicates by sharing the most impactful or practical information in the shortest sentence possible

Really think about what he's saying and respond accordingly

But now would be a really good time to reassure him that he's not wasting time or anything, as words of affirmation is his love language

Giyu is most definitely neurodivergent, and usually copes with his depression by trying to reaffirm a sense of control in his life

Although most people would do this by assuring that they have a choice at any given opportunity, Giyu on the other hand accomplishes this by organizing himself as much as he can

This doesn't always mean that his home is spotless or his hair is brushed, but it does usually mean that he schedules his day so that he rarely has anything incomplete

But there are those times where everything hits too hard and all he can do is lie in bed all day, watching the shadow of the leaves outside swaying in the breeze, creating a kaleidoscope of light on the ceiling of his room

If you noticed that you haven't seen Giyu in a day or two, try visiting his home with some food

He won't always let you in because there's probably a mess that he's putting off to clean

But he will remember that for a long time, and most likely return the favour if he has the opportunity to

Stepping away a bit from the angst, Giyu's journal looks super cool

His handwriting isn't usually legible so it's a bit hard to read, but he likes doodling stuff about the things that happened that day or keeping objects in between the pages

Like when he and Shinobu both spent time with Sanemi to see his rhino beetles, Giyu tried drawing Sanemi's favourite one

He even gave it a little leaf as an umbrella in his drawing since it was raining that day

Giyu also asked Shinobu to teach him flower pressing so he can preserve the daises Mitsuri gave him

So there it's kept, in between the pages of his overflowing journal with several other memorabilia

Also speaking of flowers, Giyu is shockingly good at taking care of plants

He actually can't fathom why because he often forgets to water them and doesn't exactly keep them in an optimal spot in his house

Rarely checks up on them due to all the missions Giyu's on

But not only are those plants alive, but they're thriving

Shinobu's actually jealous about how healthy his plants are, and when she tries to interrogate Giyu on what secret method he's using on them he just shrugs and says "I don't know, maybe it's because of the season? I have no clue"

He will admit that they should've died so long ago

But they do bring hope to Giyu, on those days where he can't seem to do anything he remembers his plants and that because they've lasted this long, then maybe he will be okay after all :)

꒷꒦˚︶︶꒦꒷︶꒷꒦˚ ꒷꒦˚︶︶꒦꒷︶꒷꒦˚ ꒷꒦˚︶︶꒦꒷︶꒷꒦˚

I am itching for some requests to fill so someone pls send something in , don’t be shy!

Also I have a Valentine’s Day post planned so stay tuned ;)

#kny x reader #kny headcanons #kny giyuu #giyu tomioka #tomioka giyu #demon slayer x reader #kny blog #demon slayer headcanons #demon slayer scenarios #kny scenarios #demon slayer blog #giyu tomioka x reader #hashira x reader #pillar x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #kny #demon slayer #tomioka giyu x reader #water hashira #water pillar #kny giyu #kny tomioka #giyuu x reader #giyuu tomioka #giyyu tomioka x reader #tomioka x reader #giyyu headcanons #giyu headcanons #tomioka headcanons #tomioka giyuu

[lollytea]

Given that Hunter was introduced to anime in the Human Realm (canon), what do you think some of his favourites would be? Any he wouldn't like as much?

Astro Boy

Voltron Defender of the Universe (the 80s one. He eats it up. Its his cocomelon)

Mobile Suit Gundam Wing

Gus also enjoys Sci-fi type stuff so this is what they watch together <333

Sailor Moon/Cardcaptor Sakura/Whatever other cute wholesome power of friendship magical girl animes that you can think of. I just believe he loves Magical Girls. That is a headcanon that is attached to my brain like a leech.

Pokemon. He loves cute little creechurs, they're silly and they remind him of palismen <33

I imagine that he really enjoys sports anime. Especially the ones with intense homoerotic friendships. He loves Haikyu and Free, god bless. If you dare to open your mouth during Yuri on Ice, he will kill you.

As a guy who is a bit awkward, passionate about his interests, a little bit on the gnc side, and into making clothes, I think he'd like Princess Jellyfish.

I think when it comes to anime he WOULDN'T like, I think maybe....slice of life shojo high school stuff. Ones that are deeply rooted in experiences that Hunter cannot connect to. Not that he hates that stuff. He just struggles to relate. Also, as introspective, sensitive and emotionally mature as I imagine Hunter to be, I also think that his attention span cannot be held by a show that focuses on feelings/romance alone. Bro is like "I want SPACESHIPS!! I want SPORT!!! I want POKEMON!!!" There's gotta be some exciting angle to keep him entertained.

Something I'm a little unsure of is what Hunter's relationship is with gore/horror/edgy type stuff. Because we know he was a fan of Ruler's Reach, which was written by an edgelord 8 year old and was packed with gratuitous violence. Considering he was not only a teenage boy (who tend to gravitate towards depictions violence because of societal influence) but a child soldier who was unnervingly desensitized to brutality, it does make a lot of sense. Ruler's Reach also seemed to be something of a masculine power fantasy written by one boy who felt small and powerless in his own life, which connected with a boy who felt similarly. King wanted to be feared, Hunter wanted to be respected.

However, this was during the time that Hunter was trapped in a very bleak situation, one that he didn't even fully understand was bleak. And he coped by hyperfixating on a book that normalized the cruelty.

But what I wonder is, would he still feel the same way about that book now, after everything? He's been woken up to how horrific his life was until this point. He's aware of the atrocities and he's deeply uncomfortable with all of it. Things are drastically different now. Hunter is drastically different.

Personally, I think Ruler's Reach was something that comforted him when he needed it. But as he changes as a person, its just not his taste anymore.

Hunter can certainly stomach gore and violence. He's seen more disturbing sights than anything an anime can show him. But I don't think he actively seeks it out. I imagine that he prefers stuff that's lighthearted. Not that he doesn't enjoy tension/excitement/high stakes. Just not the kind of stuff that will make him extremely upset.

Like Fullmetal Alchemist for example. Absolutely amazing anime, but not something Hunter would enjoy sitting through. It's good to have fiction that makes you feel something deep in your core, the way FMA does to people. But Hunter has experienced enough real life trauma and existential horror for a lifetime. He's felt enough!!! He doesn't need to see that weird fucking dog!!!!! Leave him alone!!!!!

So ya in summary, I think he likes fun, semi-lighthearted stuff. But he doesn't really wanna watch anything that's gonna make him sit in the shower for over an hour and rethink everything. He is already mentally exhausted. He once learned made of a dead guy's bones, that's enough for him.

#i know we were just meant to talk about anime #lots of thoughts here on WHY hunter likes rulers reach #i just have a lot of them

[naamahdarling]

How do you cope with “don’t trust your brain”? I can’t trust it at any time of day, due to the dysthymia.

For me, realizing that it is time-related for me really helped. I learned to identify those feelings in specific because of when they routinely occurred, and am now able to lower their internal priority.

With dysthymia that isn't going to be helpful, though.

But still, some of this probably will be at least a bit useful because the helpful part for me was less the time - that was just the factor that made it easiest to catch. It was mostly that identifying them was the first step. Like that part isn't always easy, the thoughts are REALLY COMPELLING, we assign them high priority because of their strength, so it's hard to say "Wait. These intense feelings I am having are not accurate They are a distortion of the facts. They are based on valid fears. However, the way they are currently all ganging up on me, or feel unusually intense, is not in proportion."

And that's sort of where I am now. Here's some stuff I do.

I respond by gently reminding myself that I have a condition that predisposes me, I tell myself it's okay to have the feelings, and then I say "I am going to do what is best for me in this moment while these thoughts upset me." And that can me hard as hell and I can't always do it. But I am trying and learning.

When I get the three o'clocksies as I call them (my schedule is often twisted around enough that they happen at 3, my equivalent of 8 or 9) I take a short bit to remind myself it's a distorted perception (or sometimes utterly false, like when I get the "everyone hates me"s), I challenge it gently, then try not to give it a chance to respond. I try not to argue with it because that doesn't help. And I just find something else to do or think about.

Maybe I move to something I know I like even if I don't want to, and give it a bit to see if I can switch gears. Maybe I say "well I'm ruined for a while, might as well do something hateful like get some water or gather some trash, or brush my teeth, because if I have to suffer I can at least suffer to make my future self a bit happier." That didn't come easy either. Occupying my hands AND my mind is important. I often can't turn the bad feelings volume down if I don't occupy my mind. Movies don't work, but podcasts/audiobooks and hand crafts or engaging phone games do. I have like sixteen I can choose from. (Your library may have audiobooks to borrow digitally btw. It's very cool.)

I ask for help, I ask for asks here a lot, I have some friends to talk with about fun things, my boyfriend is great. Doing imaginative stuff like discussing silly questions (the gryphon question I just got was like a perfect example, thanks!), what-ifs for our OCs or fanfic, or silly stuff like we watch a ghost hunting show and stop it to ask what we/our imaginary people would do, or a spooky movie or podcast or reality show and we raise a hand at the point where we would nope out. We're watching a cake show and we pause it to say what we would do or what winner we would pick. Having another person is so helpful, but you CAN do this with yourself. Write the answers out longhand or journal them on your phone (Journey app!). I will now often do this WHILE I AM CRYING, guys. It helps. Even if I think it won't. I did it during a goddamn tornado warning where for once it WAS very fucking close. Boyfriend was safe across town, I am unbelievably scared of storms and was in about the scariest one I've been in since a kid, and I was snot-crying on the phone and once we said our I love yous we just talked about stupid OC shit. And by god it got me through.

Reading aloud to my cats has helped before.

Like. Whatever it is that's crawling up your spine. It's so much about saying "look, I feel this way, and it is INTENSE, but I don't have to just sit with it; I can do other stuff WHILE I feel this way, I can engage with things ALSO, I can have other thoughts too." You don't have to end the thoughts by force. You can just let them run and move on as much as possible, think about other things as best you can. And with practice it DOES get easier. It does.

Another thing I have recently discovered is that I need TIME to have emotional reactions. Someone I love said something unintentionally SUPER HURTFUL a while ago, and y'all I was SO ANGRY. SO FURIOUS. And I realized before I could address the situation and tell them they crossed a line, I needed to make room to have this huge emotional response before acting, and they DIDN'T need to be part of that. Even though the intense feelings demanded I act, I didn't. With practice, amazingly, I have learned to give MYSELF the space we all talk about giving others to feel first, solve after. It took practice but I'm there. Once I cooled off, I realized not just why I reacted the way I did (specific past trauma) but why they said what they did (their own past trauma, inappropriately dumping it on me) and was able to talk it over with them in an empathetic way and it all smoothed out, with better boundaries now.

The having the emotional reaction thing may not work in some cases such as repetitive thoughts of, say, trauma, but when there is a precipitating event that just happened or I get blindsided by a trigger, it is really helpful to realize it's a reaction, probably a really understandable one, and I won't feel like this forever.

Also psych meds and specifically mood stabilizers are really great for me. I'm on two, and at first I had some internalized ableist shame around taking them because I didn't like how it implied I was like my toxic mom with her uncontrolled rapid cycling (not why she was toxic, but it made me feel like I was failing at being Not Like Her), but WOW having them has helped. The right meds. It can be hard to get that in place, but I did want to say, it really did help me.

I have also with my therapist built a safe place in my mind. This doesn't have to be boring! I have a floating island with cloud oceans, lovely ruins, amazing wildlife, and a badass wizard lair. And in it is a box for the horrible thoughts I can't deal with right now like the PTSD stuff, so it's contained when I'm not working with it, and a koi pond where I drop these glowing rocks I imagine the scary feelings going into, and then the water cleans them and turns them into pretty stones. Like, this was just stupidly useful and I never thought to do it in a way that wasn't boring before. So I can go there, now, with practice, for a quick visit to drop some bad stuff off. I also visit as I fall asleep and explore, to help make it easier to go there quickly. Doesn't work for everyone, has been good for me. Come to Magic Floating Islands! We have perytons and flying coelacanths!

Anyway, I don't know if that's helpful. Other folks might have ideas. But that is kind of where I'm at. It isn't perfect, doesn't always work, but I'm getting better because it's partially just a skill. You know? You're already a bit ahead of where you were initially, since you know it's a distorted pattern. There was a time before you realized that and it probably sucked even more, and there will be a time after this when you have one or two things to try that will suck a little less. It won't be a hundred percent, but you do move forward a bit at a time.

Hope that helps a little. 💕

[drdemonprince]

resource anon again here, i just read the ask where you talked about how you fantasise about a time you were abused in which you had an involuntary orgasm. i just wanted to say that it's... helpful to see someone talk about that aspect of sexual abuse in a chill way. the fact that i orgasmed, or experienced some degree of sexual pleasure during some of my assaults fucked me up for YEEEAAARRSSS. i used to be able to come so fast but now if someone else is pleasuring me i literally cannot orgasm sooner than like 1 hour and it takes unfathomable focus. and 99% of the time it's unsatisfying because it's not intuitive, shame-free, non-judgemental. i'm like fighting tooth and claw against painful intrusive memories and obsessive thoughts and it just leaves me exhausted in a bad way. i didn't even share with ANYONE that i experienced sexual pleasure during assault/s until my current psych and it was like a year after i started seeing her, i opened up about it once and that was it. it was so completely tied in with shame and disgust. anyway thanks again, this was my Confession. i hope i can fuck wild n free one day without the burden of these messy confusing thoughts and feelings

Hey anon, thanks for your message, and I am so sorry that you have been made to feel so much shame about an involuntary reaction that is not your fault, and happens to a whole lot more sexual assault survivors than gets widely talked about. It is just a thing that happens, and in fact may be a physically protective measure, because if a person's body is aroused during the experience of being assaulted, it is less likely they will experience physical damage to that area.

Our sexual responses are unusual and unexpected sometimes, and we don't always get to choose what we enjoy or how our bodies react. Your sexual assault isn't any less of a violation because you orgasmed from it. And it's not weird or gross that you did.

My experience with sexual responsiveness following the assault was something of the mirror image of yours, which I'll share because I think it's useful again in normalizing such things. The orgasm that I had while being assaulted was so sudden and intense that it cast a long shadow over all my sexual experiences afterward for while. I didn't get triggered during vanilla, consensual sex in the way people normally expect that to mean -- instead, I craved the intensity and overwhelm of the assault experience. It's not that uncommon for survivors to go numb and check out during sex, of course. But I would actively bring myself to orgasm during these moments by thinking about getting assaulted, and recalling things that were said and done to me moment-by-moment during the assault that brought me to orgasm. I would also masturbate replaying the assault for a very long time, and every now and then it's still something I'll reach for.

I don't feel any shame about this. The brain does unusual things, and draws all kinds of funny and upsetting connections at times. Perhaps this doesn't jar me so much because I have always had intrusive thoughts of violence and death but also of tenderness and childish happiness and random absurdity. I don't feel fully in control of my mind, and never have, so I can go along for the ride with what it has to offer me sometimes.

The person who assaulted me isn't able to hurt me anymore, and I feel relief and a sense of victory from the fact that I have extracted from this awful experience a ton of pleasure. At this point, almost 13 years later, I can say that jerking off to the idea of the assault has brought me so much pleasure collectively over the years that it overwhelms any pain the initial experience had. And I think that's pretty cool.

I hope that you can work through your understandable feelings of disgust and shame about your body's reaction to your assault on your own terms and in whatever way works for you. Some people cope with assault and its aftermath by age regressing, others by being celibate, others by finding a completely new sexual identity or role from what they previously enjoyed, some by becoming super vanilla, others by becoming kinky, some people just wait it out with time, and some people find a way to live with the trauma and darkness running alongside them in parallel to their life for as long as it will. There are no rules. Whatever works and feels natural to you.

I'm sure many a psychiatrist would consider me super duper fucked up for jerking off about my rape for over a decade afterward, but i'm having great orgasms and indulging my penchant for being controlled and used far more healthfully now in my relationships because I've embraced what feels like a true rush of aliveness for me, so like, fuck them and their profession as usual lol.

[copperbadge]

Wait, being extremely charismatic even though you feel really bad at social situations can be an ADHD thing?!?!?!

Ah, no, sorry, that was an unfortunate implication of me making a joke -- "clinically diagnosed as extremely charismatic" is a call back to when I got my evaluation results back and received some surprise feedback. (I mean maybe, see below, but it hasn’t been studied as far as I’m aware.)

When I was tested I wanted cognitive testing as well as the questionnaire, because I knew I could game the questionnaire. Part of that testing was evaluation for ADHD and Autism (which I knew) but part was an IQ test, and part was behavioral observation, which I did not know. For the best really, I would have tried to game that too.

Anyway, my diagnosis was ADHD-Inattentive (mild), no Autism. I was also told basically in so many words that I was highly intelligent, extremely charismatic, and intensely anxious (what I call Peter Wimsey Syndrome). Now, I’m not going to deny I’m a little high strung, but I dispute the last one, and so does my current psychiatrist. Still, it was both a nice ego boost and extremely funny to get the other two, like I'd been evaluated and declared Cult Leader Material or something. So I joke about being diagnosed Charismatic.

I do think that probably a lot of people with ADHD develop an intense form of charisma as a defense mechanism. I don't have the Hyperactive element and I'm not especially subject to impulsive or self-destructive urges, but people who are and still manage to maintain a sane life have to get good at talking their way out of the shit their ADHD gets them into. I DO have difficulty focusing and completing tasks (sometimes starting them) and that has led to me convincing teachers and administrators to give me an extension, a second chance, a slightly-bent rule, which requires a great deal of charm. And of course if you never express an unpleasant opinion or disagree with anyone, nobody can get upset with you, and your RSD won't howl at you for weeks about how everyone hates you because you're a disagreeable awkward nerd.

So I don't think ADHD and extreme charm are congenitally comorbid, but I think charm is a really great coping/masking mechanism when you are basically genetically inclined to fuck up a lot. It would not surprise me if a statistically significant number of people with ADHD are also considered extremely personable. 

#sam has adhd

[loveregrown]

Does anyone realize how much they ruin me I only have this video comparing the stage and anime version from fucking february on me right now but I'm mainly speaking about the anime version. This is the same part of the genrev choreography in the 3DMV where they're meant to reach out towards each other but in their last performance Tsumugi reaches for him far too early and Eichi reaches for him far too late obviously. Of course Eichi would look shocked, watching him walk away, his expression so solemn. Up until eplink he still had nightmares about it, of Nagisa and Hiyori and Tsumugi running off ... this singular moment displays their dynamic and the end of their friendship that never truly got to be a friendship so perfectly, especially from Eichi's perspective but if you take into account the way it looks to Tsumugi rather than the viewer who gets the full picture it encapsulates both perfectly. The bluebird has left the cage he put himself in, and in Eichi's eyes, it is too late to just ... be his friend. Leo has stated he's never going forgive him directly because he wouldn't get it and it would hurt him more but Tsumugi so unabashedly continues wanting to earnestly be his friend.

It's so evident how much it affects him just by looking at Eichi's face

Tsumugi doesn't need a reason to befriend someone & Eichi does .. 🥹

Hiyonagi also suffered but at least they had each other (┬┬﹏┬┬) And yet, in the Dawning Angels mv, eimugi finally manage to reach out to each other again ... and it is so significant considering what happened the last time they stepped foot on a stage to sing together.

Eichi, in the current era is like a child that doesn't care for his toy till it is taken away from him and given to another. Or perhaps, like a lover who doesn't acknowledge what they have till it is far too late. So much so he gave Natsume his blessings in a sense, which is surprisingly evil combined with the fact Tsumugi has referred to his relationship with Natsume as a contract, and that he would actively try to prevent him from falling apart like Eichi did.

It wasn't in their fate to go to karaoke together even if they could've so easily. He's is still under the impression that it is late to even go to karaoke with him, bringing it up as though that's something that should injure Tsumugi and like it's something that's lingered in his mind from the moment he pondered on it near the end of element, but Tsumugi has already moved on. Whether he forgot about it because it no longer affects him even if it did once,feeling as though he was thrown away, or him forgetting is a coping mechanism to erase aspects of the war from his mind in spite of the fact he's been promising not to repeat it, only God knows ...

Forever thinking of "even as they find themselves hurt in the process..."

And yet, all four of them still have so much fun playing together, sharing the same dynamic they did in the past... ohh (┬┬﹏┬┬) I know this was mostly eimugi ... but I love exfine so much. I love sad endings and things that cannot be repaired, I am not the kind to have a desire to fix everything or not see beauty in tragedy, but I also just want them to spend time together and be happy even if that thought might always itch in the back of their mind, Tsumugi being the mediator between them even now always gets me. Nagisa and Hiyori clearly spend such wonderful time with Tsumugi together one of my favorite idol stories is one where he goes to a cafe with Hiyori and even gets genuinely upset over cospro taking advantage of newdi and it's so rare ... and Hiyori's fs2, it was so cute too. Tsumugi and Nagisa were together simultaneously as gacha and feature scout not so long ago, and while Eichi did go on that trip with Rei and Tsumugi recently ... it would be so nice if Eichi could come to the function. If he could give himself the time to have fun with the rest of them like this more, free of awkwardness and self restraint ＞﹏＜ especially since they're all so young and so busy. The rarity of these moments makes them endearing and special but bittersweet all the same.

#❀ #This is all surface level stuff I'm just so crazy and thinking about #I miss when the eleani and altered came out so much. #eichi tenshouin and tsumugi aoba hurting me forever and ever with hakmers #espost