#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi! I love everything that you write and heh I am a fan! 😄 tbh this is my first time requesting something on Tumblr! If you don't mind and if I am not being a bother...can you write about how the guys would react If MC suddenly starts making meme references? I don't know how I got the idea but I am REALLY curious. And love you! :D

Hiya! Tyvm for the kind words, and apologies that this took a while! I hope you have the chance to enjoy it regardless ❤️❤️❤️ Love you too, sweet pea! I promise to get to the next request you’ve sent ASAP~

Aight but this would be hilarious because the range of the reactions is just ungodly. I will be putting this under a cut after Napoleon so I don’t clog up everyone’s dash, but all the suitors are included below otherwise! 

Comte is the one that recognizes a few, but didn’t really stay in modern times long enough to be as well-versed as a Gen Z kid might. Regardless he finds the wittiness and absolute chaotic fuckery to be delightful, and will 100% support the harmless nonsense. It never fails to get a laugh out of him

Mozart that first day be like: “Buzz off MC I hate you” MC, because she likes swinging bats at wasps’ nests: “Well that’s not very cash money of you” Mozart: ?????????? Comte, giggling in the bg like the secret fae he is This one’s just because I’m petty, but after the events of Comte rt I just imagine them encountering Vlad again and MC’s just “I lived bitch.” while Comte is flipping him off behind her lkjahgkjhdsg

Comte @ Leo when he finds the latter under his desk: Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you.  MC: wheezing from the hallway as she’s about to give him his letters

MC: So how was your day, honey? Comte: Good, good--briefly had to go beastmode upon the punk that pilfered my lint roller MC, biting her lip to keep from laughing: So does Leo still have his kneecaps? Comte: for now.

Comte, @ literally anyone upsetting the MC: I won’t hesitate, bitch

Comte: Be careful with my emotional baggage, it’s designer

MC: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds Comte: My arms are strong, I would catch and hug you

Leo and Dazai are the ones that don’t have a single reference point but are filled with so much dumbass chaos energy that they just. Understand immediately???? Nobody knows how or why, but they just catch on so fast--adapt the language in a matter of weeks. Never underestimate the power of combined boredom, depression, and humor

I swear to god I just see MC taking them their Blanc/Rouge and being like “here you go sir, one enslaved moisture” and they just go fucking hog wild from day one. MC starts impersonating Theo when he leaves the room around Dazai, like fake deep voice “you all only hate me because you do not like me and I am mean to you. grow up.” Or like the MC meets a baby on her travels with Leo around town and she holds them and says v seriously and sagely “So you are Baby? I have heard tales of your exploits.” and Leo about loses his shit right there. They both think MC is the funniest person alive--they’ve never been more eager to throw a ring at someone in their entire life.

Also a bonus for my beloved Dazai:  MC, facing even the slightest inconvenience (like dropping her fork) in the most dramtic voice possible: Life is not daijoubu. Dazai: wheezing

MC, after watching Theo turn down a woman at the bar in the meanest way possible: bro quit letting the darkness consume you u r scaring the hoes Dazai, literally rolling around on the ground, half-drunk and dying:

MC, walking alongside Dazai and stopping to stare at her reflection in the River Seine. Dazai’s expecting some sad or twisted shit, since people often feel comfortable talking about those things around him, but instead she just: “Oh, it’s you. The source of all my problems.” And he about falls into the river from shock HAHAHA

At this point don’t be surprised if his next book is about an absolute madlad woman similar to MC

Napoleon finds it to be a delightful quirk more than anything? He doesn’t really understand it, but he finds it funny when they change their voice for effect or speak in exaggerated tones. If it’s just comprehensible enough for an outsider to understand--or Sebas gives him context--chances are it’ll send him into a laughing fit

For this one I just imagine MC singing that Ratatouille meme song obnoxiously bad while cooking, and Napoleon and Comte are just so wildly amused by it bc it makes zero sense and it’s only vaguely French at this point

MC @ Napoleon while they’re cooking brunch: Can I offer you a nice egg in these trying times?

MC, conflicted because she’s tired and wanted to sleep in but also got to see Napo’s cute sleeping face for a few hours: For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5AM on the day I can sleep in. Sebas: Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise MC: early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch Napoleon: laughing in agreement

Isaac is the type to be bewildered and concerned at first (especially when he hears the more nihilistic ones hoOOOoooOO BOY) but eventually begins to understand it’s some bizarre attempt at humor (that hurts Zack baby). While some part of him laments that it reminds him of Dazai and he’s secretly jealous of how she and Dazai bond over it, he will sometimes join in the chaos when the mood strikes him and he’s feeling mischievous

Isaac: How are you feeling? MC: Oh, I’m not Isaac: seconds from dialing 911 Isaac: Are you okay? MC: Oh yeah dw I just suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes you look like you’re an angry serial killer Isaac: say sike rn

Isaac, tutoring MC and correcting something:  MC, muttering while redoing it: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math. Isaac: unable to help a laugh

One time MC was avoiding Isaac for fear of hurting his feelings and he just confronts her like: Isaac: back by unpopular demand, me! What’s wrong, MC pls MC was so hecking proud of him

Isaac, telling MC about a recent discovery he learned at uni from another professor: bones typically heal stronger after they’ve been broken--so long as they’re set properly, of course MC, looking him dead in the eyes: So what you’re saying is that I should break every bone in my body until I become superhumanly powerful? Isaac: please do not, no

Mozart and Jeanne are just. Totally lost. Why are you talking like that??? Why are you making “crab hands”???? They don’t understand. Maybe never will. They reach a point where they just kind of laugh and shake their heads, endeared by the oddity after they’re used to it and have determined it isn’t a threat/insult. 

MC: It’s a cold and it’s a brooooken, Waluigi. Waaaaluigiiiii...waaaahluigi..... Mozart: surprised, then starts snickering and playing along on the piano

Arthur, asking MC very personal questions out loud because he is an idiot sometimes: Soooo MC, are you a top or a bottom? MC: I’m a threat. (If he asks a second time, the response will be “Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”) Jeanne, fighting a smile:

MC, about to punch an asshole: Your free trial of being alive has ended Jeanne, seconds from laughing for the first time in 100 years:

Also, because I genuinely can’t help myself. You know that knight meme like “Parry this you fucking casual.” I cannot stress enough that it is literally the personification of Jeanne’s entire character. I’m not even joking.

Arthur and Shakespeare are utterly fascinated by the rapid evolution of wordplay and the sheer hilarity. They will ask all about these so-called “memes” and ask for examples of them if MC can show them (either somehow accessing her phone or drawing them). MC draws Arthur the knife cat meme and he about a s c e n d s at the hilarity of it all, points and yells THEO IS HOLDING THE KNIFE. He is correct. They will be delighted and follow along eagerly, and--god forbid--will make their own based on late 19th century struggles.

Is this where Shakespeare got the idea for “What, you egg? stabs him” and “You are a saucy boy.”? I’m too scared to ask. Don’t even get me started on “The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.” That one is just too on the nose...

I can’t even imagine what would happen to Shakespeare if MC like translated vines and memes into Ye Olde English around him. Imagine she’s at one of those noble balls and hears rumors of these two guys living together and they’re so obviously gay and he says “And those gents w’re roommates.” And in the most false surprised tone ever MC just replies “oh mine own god, those gents w’re roommates.” Imagine having a wife that’s just as hilarious as you are and hits you with all the force of a bag of wet mice every time you speak in retaliation, he’s going into palpitations.

Every time Arthur does smth stupid MC just: “I Pretend I Do Not See It.”

Vincent is tickled pink by MC’s penchant for finding joy and/or amusement in nearly everything they do, and he smiles gently when he sees them muttering and laughing to themselves. He wants to be able to join them in what they love, but he has a harder time following along and understanding the darker humor sometimes. Mostly gets confused??? Please give him the easier ones to mimic and laugh when he tries--or just include him in your jokes MC. He’s babie your honor...

But he also. Will not. Stand any kind of self-deprecation or borderline verbal self-harm. He’s usually very easygoing and calm, but for whatever reason that stuff makes him go deathly quiet and upset.

MC, after something goes horribly wrong, hugging Vincent: Oh Vince, we really in it now Vincent: giggling a little despite his worries, relaxing

MC: Theo stop simping for Vincent that’s my job

MC, when Theo leaves the room and she gets Vincent all to herself: The evil is defeated.

MC: And this is where I would put my will to live...if I h a d one! Vincent: ;-; MC: oh shit, oh fuck, I was only kidding Vincent wait (MC was subsequently lectured and loved on for many hours)

Theo is conflicted because on the one hand, he loves to see you smiling and having fun. On the other, you’re clowning as hard as Dazai and Arthur and he can only handle so many monkeys in his circus. Most of the time he will roll his eyes and be the straight man of this comedy, but you might find him cracking a smile--or accidentally letting a chuckle slip past his lips now and again.

MC, after meeting Theo: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Theo, those first days: Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you’re coming right to me? MC: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer.

Theo: Every time I ask MC to explain “vibe check” to me she hits me with some kind of improvised weapon

MC, after the “incident” (you know the one): This year, I lost my dear lover Theo Theo, in the distance: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD! MC: ;-; sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Sebastian is last because oh boy. OH BOYYYYY I LOVE HIM. Okay so the way I see this happening with Sebastian is just. So wild. Because at first he’s t r y i n g so hard to be the proper butler man. He does not meme. But then he starts to drift closer to what Niles from The Nanny was, where he’ll quip and joke in private or when the situation is just beyond the amount of absurdity he can handle without making a snarky comment. Everyone in the house can’t fathom how Sebas and MC got so close so fast, but there are points where they’re just “Are they even speaking English anymore???” It’s 11 times funnier than normal because Sebas almost never smiles or laughs when memeing, the deadpan quality of his playing along sends MC every time

Has ABSOLUTELY said “HEY. PANINI HEAD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???” jokingly when MC made a mistake in the kitchen. They laugh about it for y e a r s

MC: I can’t date someone who keeps a lamb as a pet, that’s so weird Sebas, brushing Lotte in front of MC: MC: MC: Okay, I will make an exception because she looks very polite

MC and Sebas, fully aware of the fame some of the men will reach in modern times: We will watch your career with great interest.  (I s2g that’s like half of Sebas’ rt right there I’m crying)

Sebas rt with Lotte be like that 500 dollar Mareep meme: “sometimes a family can be just a boy, his gf, and their 500 dollar two foot tall Lotte”

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp meme #ikevamp headcanons #ikevamp hcs #ikevamp napoleon #ikevamp mozart #ikevamp leo #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp vincent #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp theo #ikevamp jean #ikevamp jeanne #ikevamp dazai #ikevamp shakespeare #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp sebastian #can you tell I had way too much fun with this aksjhfkhsj #i am a degenerate memer I saw this ask and straight up went It's My T i m e. #though i hope this was a fun response for you love! i did my very best <333 #tyty for the ask~ #rambles #not incorrect quotes #mild profanity

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 4

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i hope you guys arent getting bored. id loooove your feedback! please! you give me so much of it these days and i appreciate it so so much soooo dont stop? thank you!!

Chapter 4 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I was not even sure I meant it when I told Niall there was no 'us' anymore. The truth was, there would always be something between us, something life changing, something deep that would probably end up scarring both of us. When he got out of the cafe and lost it in front of me, I thought he was going to say something to me. I was not sure what I wanted to hear, or what I expected to hear, but no matter what it was, he hadn't said it and the way I was disappointed was not normal.

The problem was not the feelings, it was not the lack of love. Every time my eyes would meet his, I felt something stir inside me. When he put his big and warm hands on my cheeks to cup my face, it made my whole body throb. No, love was not the problem because I loved Niall. I've loved him since I was six, and the feeling only grew with the years and exploded when we were together. I never stopped loving him after he broke up with me, and I still loved him. It seemed even stronger now that he was back in my life. No, the problem is that I don't trust him anymore. The problem is that he broke me, he betrayed me, and he lied to me. I believed all his promises and he didn't keep them. I put my trust in him and he broke it. Even just being his friend again was tough for so many reasons.

"In the loune again?"

I blinked a few times, turning to the voice, and chuckled a bit when I saw Louis staring at me.

"The word is 'lune'. You need to learn how to pronounce it."

He sent me an annoyed smile and raised his middle finger at me, making me laugh before I blew him a kiss. Louis put a cup of coffee in front of me and sat at the table to face me with his own cup. He stared at me in silence for a few seconds before licking his lips.

"You're thinking about Niall, aren't you?"

I sighed but didn't dare to look up in his eyes. I was always impressed when Louis found out exactly how I felt or what I thought about but the truth was, I was not so tough to read if you really took the time to study me. Of course I was thinking about Niall, what or who else would I be so pensive about?

"Did you ever tell Eleanor about you and i?"

Slowly, he put his cup down and I could feel his eyes burning me. It took me a while but I finally looked up and he reached for my hand, sliding his arm my way on the table. His fingers grabbed mine and I held my breath. Somehow, I wanted it to remain a secret, something only me and him knew, but at the same time, I knew how close he was to Eleanor and how dangerous that kind of secret could be.

"Yea, I did." he finally admitted in a low tone. "Does that hurt you?"

I blinked a few times and licked my lips before swallowing hard. No, it didn't really bother me, and I wanted to tell him, but I just shook my head a bit and pressed my lips together.

"How did she forgive you? How do you forgive something like that?" I asked, feeling a lump in my throat. "She lets you live here, with me?"

Louis sighed and moved back on his seat, letting go of my fingers to take an other sip of his coffee.

"El knows I love her, and that I wouldn't risk losing her again." he just explained. "She knows my friendship with you is important, too. She forgave me for breaking her heart when I left her, and she gave me her heart again, and her trust, and she knows I won't do anything that could make me lose her again."

It made sense. It made so much sense that I felt myself tear up and closed my eyes. Could I trust Niall again? I didn't even know why I was asking myself this question. After all, I was getting married to a wonderful man, who loved me a lot and made sure I was happy. Why would I want to fall back into a toxic relationship with Niall? I felt my heart jump in my chest as my heart answered this question by itself. Because Niall was my soulmate, that was why.

"Look, Olivia, I could tell you that Niall's an asshole for what he did to you, I could tell you that you deserve better and that you shouldn't risk it again because you've suffered enough... but that would be so hypocrite of me, you know?" he let out in a soft tone. "Just.. do the thing that ensures that you won't wake up at 80 and regret your decisions, no matter what decision it is."

We remained a few minutes in silence, just drinking our coffee, and when I got up, I grabbed Louis' cup and put it in the sink with mine. I was stressed and confused and all I really wanted was to go in my room, lock the door and hide myself under the blankets to be away from the world.

"Oh yea, hey!" Louis let out a bit louder. "It's your radio interview today! When are you leaving?"

As if on cue, my phone started ringing and I grabbed it, answering it quickly.

"Hey babe, i'm in your driveway."

I laughed a bit and tilted my head with a smile.

"You know you can text me, you don't have to call me." I pointed out. "Or just honk a few times."

"That's not how my mommy raised me. Besides, I wanted to hear your voice."

I rolled my eyes but my smile got bigger.

"I'll be next to you in a minute, you could have waited."

"Mm no, can't do." he joked with a laugh, making me laugh too. "Come on, or we'll be late, love you."

"Mm, love you too."

We said goodbye and it's only when I hung up that I noticed Louis doing kissy noises near me. I turned around and pressed my hand on his face, pushing on it lightly and making him laugh.

"Was Dylan or Niall?"

My eyes got bigger and my lips parted as he stared at me. His lips curled more and more into a smirk with each second and I shook my head.

"Shut up!"

He laughed more and walked closer to me, turning me around by my shoulders and pushing me until the front door. He handed me my sweater as I was putting my shoes on and raised his eyebrows. The fact that he knew which sweater I would bring or just that I would bring one even if it was warm outside made me smile but it faltered slightly when I remembered that it used to be something Niall would have done.

"Okay, good luck, my queen."

"I thought that brought bad luck?"

He chuckled low. "Break a leg, then." he said before frowning. "What do you say in french?"

"Merde."

"Isn't that the world for 'shit'?"

I laughed and nodded before shrugging and wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He hugged me back, leaning his chin on my shoulder and I closed my eyes. I needed this, I needed someone to take me close and hug me tight. I needed the comfort Louis could give me, and the way he squeezed me against him made me feel a bit better.

"You'll do great. Don't let them intimidate you, okay?"

I pulled away and nodded as he bumped his fist on my shoulder.

"Merde!"

I laughed and opened the door only to see Dylan waving at me with a smile. I quickly rushed to his car, turning around once to wave goodbye to Louis. After I was seated, Dylan leaned to kiss me and I closed my eyes when I felt his warm lips against mine. There was no doubt that I loved him, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Niall. I thought I was fine without him but clearly, I was lying to myself. Now that he was back in my life, he wouldn't leave my mind.

"Okay, you just stay yourself, and it'll go amazingly." Dylan suggested with a smile after he parked. "Are you sure you don't want me to go there with you?"

I breathed in and licked my lips as I shook my head. "No, i'll be fine." I just said, mostly trying to convince myself. "Thanks for the ride."

I grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him hard, making him chuckle against my mouth. It's not that I didn't want him to come with me, in fact, I really wanted it, but I thought it was better if I went alone. I had worked on myself a lot in the past year and one of the things I wanted to achieve was to do things by myself. Of course, it was scary at first, but it didn't mean it was impossible. I wanted to do my first radio interview by myself and I knew I could do it. I didn't need anyone.

"If you need a ride home, you call me okay?"

I let my eyes roam on his face and ran my thumb on his bottom lip, making him smile very slightly. He was so pretty, and so caring, and I suddenly realized how lucky I was.

"Mmhm, thank you."

I could feel my heart hit my rib cage and echo all over my body, making my head throb, as I walked inside. Until I sat down with the earphones, I could feel my hands get sweaty and wiped them on my jeans but it's really when I saw one of the radio hosts enter that I nearly threw up. I recognized her, it was the woman who gave Niall her phone number when she interviewed him. How the fuck didn't I know that she moved here too?

"Hello darling, it's been a while."

I sent her an awkward smile and nodded. I hated the way she talked to me and if I had the strength, I would have just turned around and ran away. But I was stronger than that, right?

"So, you already know how it works, we'll just present you, ask you questions, put a few tunes, and ask more questions." she explained quickly. "Alright?"

I just nodded, not thinking about anything to say or ask. My mind was blank and I just swallowed hard, squirming nervously on my chair.

"As promise, we're here today with the writer of the new Netflix sensation, hello Olivia, how do we pronounce your last name?"

I smiled at the man who presented me and licked my lips, trying to forget my sweaty hands and how hard my heard was beating.

"Fontaine."

"That's french isn't it?"

"Mmhm, yes."

I glanced at the girl but she was just looking at her notes and I couldn't hide that I was nervous to find out what kind of questions she would ask me. Suddenly, I wanted this interview to be over, or have never happened, but I was stuck here and couldn't do anything about it.

"Basically, you're from France, you moved to Ireland, then lived in England and now, you're here, in Cali."

My lips parted and i nodded. "That's... correct." I let out with a chuckle.

"Let's talk about the theme of your tv show, we all know by now that Louis Tomlinson wrote it and sings it, how did you manage to do that?"

I smiled and shrugged. "I just asked him and he said yes."

"So you kept in touch with Niall's friends after you two broke up?"

I felt my heart twist in my chest and turned to the woman, trying to keep my cool.

"Yea, Erika, I did, we kept in touch, I mean we live together." I just pointed out with a shrug, making her eyes open wide in surprise. "We're close friends."

"Did he write it himself or did you help him?" I turned to Damien, the co-host, and sent him a grateful smile.

"I gave him carte blanche." I admitted. "He's super talented and can definitely write and sing, there was no reason for me not to trust him."

I was not going to say that on the radio, but I trusted Louis with my life. I was so grateful he had accepted to do that, especially because I knew he was busy with the writing of his album. The fact that he took the time to help me meant a lot.

"How did the idea came to you?"

I breathed in, happy that this part of the interview was actually about my tv show. Those were easy questions for me. We chatted a bit about when the second season would come out, who would be in it, if i'd have special guests, and if I could give a few spoilers about what would happen.

"So you're marrying Dylan O'Brien this summer, the guy who plays your boyfriend in the series, is it hard to play love on screen with someone you're dating?"

"Not for us, no, I don't think so. I mean, we're both busy, he's leaving to film a movie soon, and we're not together 24/7, so it was actually nice because we could get to see each other more. Also, an other perk, I had a ride every morning and evening."

Damien laughed and I smiled more. I wasn't as nervous as I was when I walked in but I kept playing with the fabric of my pants and couldn't pretend I was not impatient for all this to end.

"Niall turned out to be a very handsome lad, are you mad sometimes that you're not dating him anymore?"

My jaw dropped and I stared at Erika, feeling my face turning red suddenly, but I didn't know if it was because of anger, or embarrassment. I glanced down at my hands and licked my lips, trying to find a way to answer this without being too rude but also without letting her get the best of me or make me feel bad.

"Niall was always handsome, but that's not why I was with him." I said gently, twisting my fingers under the table to make sure I'd keep my cool. "He's a good man, and he's talented, smart and kind. He was my best friend so we were very close and, yea, it just didn't work."

There was a short moment of silence until Damien spoke up, trying to get rid of the awkwardness and for that, I was extremely grateful.

"We're going to listen to Louis Tomlinson's newest single, 'Miss You', and we'll be back right after!"

The song started and I smiled when I heard Louis' voice but still took one of my earphone off my ear, putting it right behind on my head, just in time to see Damien bend down slightly near his co-host and frown.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked in a whisper but slightly rudely, making her roll her eyes.

I licked my lips  and tilted my head, trying to catch their attention and when Erika turned to me, I sent her an annoyed smile.

"No more questions about Niall." I let out firmly, my eyes never leaving hers.

Her lips parted and we stayed like that just staring at each other for a while until Damien turned off the music and started talking again.

"Okay, we have someone on the line who's got a question for you Olivia." he said, making my heart skip a beat. "Hello, what's your question?"

"Hey, I was just wondering if we could ask her a few questions about her tv show instead to ask about her ex boyfriend? No one cares about that, we want to know what she has planned for season 2 and stuff like that."

My lips curled and I bit my bottom one to contain the smile. Erika's eyes found mine and after a few seconds, I think she realized who was actually the caller but she decided not to say anything. I gripped my phone in my pocket, fighting the need to send him a quick text message. I didn't want anyone to ask me who I was texting and just licked my lips.

"Thank you." I answered with a smile. "It's nice to know some people are interested in the show."

Damien cleared his throat and turned to look at me.

"Alright then, we'll take a few questions from you guys at home, so go ahead and call."

                                                  -----

The bar was crowded but surprisingly, the music wasn't as loud as it normally is. Louis put both his hands on my shoulders as we walked to the table and I turned my head slightly his way, feeling his warm breath on my cheek.

"Did I mention how good you sounded in your interview?"

I chuckled and let my eyes roam on his face as we stood next to our friends and finally, I turned around and wrapped my arms around him to hug him. He pulled me closer and squeezed me tight for a few seconds, making me tear up. It had been a long day, the stress was finally leaving me, and it felt good.

"Yes, about three times, but thank you, it makes me feel better."

When I moved away from Louis and turned around to sit at the table, my eyes met Niall's and my lips immediately curled. He was staring at me without shame and didn't even try to look away. I licked my lips and bit my bottom one as we kept looking at each other until Louis put a glass of wine in front of me and took his seat back next to me. I wanted to get up and sit next to Niall to talk with him but I was scared of how my friends would react. I knew that thinking they would think something was happening between Niall and I only proved that it was what I thought myself but I couldn't help it. It was in the way he was looking at me, and the way it made me feel. It fucked me up and I didn't know what to do.

We all chatted and laughed all together for a while, but I kept glancing at Niall and he did the same. I didn't know how I felt about that but it made something stir in my stomach. Maybe it was only the memories of us that made me feel like this but I was not sure what to do with it.

My eyes roamed around the table only to see Julie, Liam, Harry and his new girlfriend (whom's name I couldn't remember) in deep conversation while Louis and El were whispering and smiling at each other with their faces really close. I just got up without thinking and walked to the bathroom but when I got out, I was surprised to see Niall in the hall, leaning against the wall and waiting for me. He pushed himself off the wall when he noticed me and turned to face me. I let my eyes roam on his face as he kept his hands in his pockets, just staring down at me and in that moment I could swear he was going to kiss me.

"You did very well in your radio interview." he finally said, his lips curling more. "I'm sorry they tried to make this about me."

I shrugged a shoulder and smiled back at him. "It's alright, you're more interesting and famous than me."

"It was that annoying girl, yea?" he asked, making me glance down before looking up in his eyes. "The girl that gave me her phone number when we went to that radio interview? I'm surprised she moved here, too."

I wanted to ask him if he had sex with her, or if he had planned to after he broke up with me, but I didn't dare. I was scared of his answer and of how it would affect me. I'd feel guilty if I felt relieved that he didn't, and i'd feel guilty if I felt angry and hurt that he did. Not knowing seemed like the best option.

"She was being a bitch, I swear." I chuckled, making him chuckle too.

"I know, I heard." he scratched the back on his head and I held my breath. "I'm sorry about that."

"But hey, someone called to tell her off, so that was nice." I just added, my lips curling even more.

"Yea, I heard that too."

I tilted my head and stared at him some more as my smile turned into an amused one. I was grateful that this man had been in my life for so long, and even more grateful that he was there again.

"Thank you for calling and telling her off, Nee."

He sent me a fake surprised look and smiled even more before shrugging and shaking his head.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Without thinking, I threw myself in his arms and it took him only a second to hug me back. I felt his stubble scratch gently my cheek and he pulled me even closer as I remained on my tiptoes. The problem was, I didn't want to let go of him. Maybe it was the alcohol running in my veins, or just the gratitude of what he had done for me, but either way, it felt good to be close to him.

"Thank you." I repeated in a whisper, closing my eyes as his scent invaded me.

I felt intoxicated by him and I swallowed hard.

"You're welcome, petal." he murmured, making my heart skip a beat. "I told you, I'll always be there for you."

I held my breath at the promise he made when we were still together and felt myself tear up. We were happy together, and although we both had flaws that generated problems, we loved each other and it felt good. I wish love was all we needed, it would be so much easier.

We pulled away but remained close from each and when his hand moved slowly to push a lock of my hair away from my face, I held my breath again. His fingers lingered on my jaw and I felt his thumb brush my lip and my eyes fluttered but I quickly took a step back and cleared my throat.

"Oh I didn't tell you, but I love you as a brunette!" I let out randomly, trying to move past that awkward yet emotional moment we just had. "Hadn't seen you with your natural hair color since you were what, 10?"

"More like 12." he let out with a chuckle as I nodded.

"You look good." I added sincerely, sending him a fond smile.

I knew he wanted to say something about what had happened between us just a few seconds before but I didn't want to hear it. Being so confused around him made me feel like shit. We were both taken and even though the connection we used to have together was slowly coming back (I could feel it), I didn't want to let this go too far.

"We should go back." I proposed low, making his smile falter a little before he nodded.

He turned around to leave and quickly, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, asking him to come and join us. I wanted him to be there and remind me why I was with him. Not because I couldn't remember, but because being so close to Niall fucked me up in a way I couldn't explain and brought back all these feelings to the surface. It felt like we were never apart. It felt like we were alone in the world.

I was fine a few days ago, I was happy. But without even knowing it, Niall came back in my life and changed everything. I didn't want to trust him, and I didn't want to give him an other chance. I was way too scared of what he could do to me again. But I also couldn't deny how much I loved him.. how much I would always love him.

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #my fanfics #yam #im scared this sucks dammit #i have the bad feeling i wont get comments or notes #not sure why

[wanderinglotus7]

I’M SICK

On wednesday I discovered it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Month. For someone who struggles with an ED and body image it almost slipped right past me. It doesn’t surprise me because my mind has been in an anxious and hazy fog lately. Other than that I had a breaking realization with the state of my bulimia. I’ve been feeling very disgusted with myself, I found myself immediately purging this week to feel “empty” or maybe the need to purge is more of a distraction from what’s really going on in my life. I know for sure this whole internship process is adding more stress in my life to the stress that is already present. At times I feel like I am losing control over my life. It’s sad that I have to schedule time in my days to do basic stuff like take a shower, nap, do something I love, or even take a moment (5 minutes) to be present (breathe).

What’s really bugging me is the narrative surrounding eating disorders. I’m tired of only seeing and hearing white images and voices. Its like the world is blind to the fact that EDs aren’t just a White female illness. Hello! Males and color folk can suffer from these issues. Granted, I am inspired by Demi Lovato for being so open with her struggles, but where are those individuals who look like me speaking their truth in the public. I rarely hear conversations of Black females being open with their struggles. If I do it’s associated with Body Positivity which isn’t bad. However, for some of us, we cannot reach Body Positivity until we learn to accept of ourselves and our bodies. Sometimes I feel like a fake because I am open with my body image and ED, I don’t really address the hatred and guilt I have towards myself. It’s a constant battle. And when I do express my experiences with bulimia and body image it gets treated like I am frustrated with dieting or making lifestyle changes. This is the type of message I felt like I was receiving when this topic came up in my therapy session. I felt like I was being misunderstood. Granted my therapist is a white woman, so talking about ED, body image, and being sexually objectified as a young Black woman she wont understand. Again...BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS DON’T ONLY EFFECT WHITE FEMALES! BLACK FEMALES STRUGGLE WITH THESE ISSUES TOO!

One thing I do appreciate when it comes to compliments from my boyfriend is that he doesn’t focus on my body first. The first thing he always states is how much he loves my smile which can really brighten my day especially when I am having a bad body image day. But on some occasions he has made some comments like saying “squishy” and “soft” that have made me feel even worse about myself. I do give him credit for trying to understand my issues. I appreciate his effort. But I do recognize the frustration he experiences sometimes when I begin to bash myself or deny/not accept his compliments. Once the ED voice begins to speak, I shut everyone out including myself. My illness can become crippling. For examples, I missed my sister’s birthday dinner because I didn’t like the idea of having to wear “real” clothes and the idea of eating around people freaked me out, I isolated myself in my room after looking at myself in the mirror for at least five minutes, I’ve cried and wanted to throw a brick at my mirror because I hated the way I looked in a t-shirt and shorts ( I was just going to Wal-Mart) and I deny myself of wearing clothes that I would like to wear because I am afraid of attracting attention to myself ( I don’t want people to notice that I am fat). My problem areas are my stomach and stretch marks. Uggg! How I despise my stomach! I wish it can disappear and never come back. And I wish it can be flatter. I would love to loose between 20 to 40 pounds.

My relationship with food is all fucked up, and I feel like people don’t understand this. Telling me I need to be more committed to exercising or making smarter food choices doesn’t register with my ED brain. To me it sounds like bullshit. Then I become frustrated and that’s when I shutdown all the outside noise and recede from life. Do you know how tiring it is to constantly be fixated on food? IT FREAKING SUCKS! I am soooo concerned about what types of food I’m going to eat, how much I’m going to eat, when I am going to eat, and how I am going to get rid of the food that I did eat for the day. Depending on my state of mind, I’m contemplating on ways to purge or restrict myself for the rest of the day or for the next day. I CAN’T NEVER WIN! And I am trying hard to overcome my poor body image and bulimia. Having a therapist is good, but when it comes to these issues group therapy is a better route for me. I feel less alone if that makes sense. I really hope I don’t pass these issues to any of my future children if I ever have a child or children in the future ( I don’t want them to suffer).

I’m still receiving treatment for my problems. And know this isn’t gonna be resolved within a year or two. It’s going to be a rough and long process. I hope whoever reads this finds some allyship from my story. We are good enough! Above everything else, we are good enough for ourselves, and we are worthy of love, but we have to work on loving ourselves which is easier said than done, but we have time to learn because I am still learning this lesson. It’s 2021 and I began to learn how to accept, respect, and love myself back in 2018. Sad to say, “We live in a world where we value the scale over our souls” (CeCe Olisa).

Here are some things to think about I received from a TEDTalk presented by CeCe Olisa on How to Build Self Confdence: Step 1- Identify your perceived obstacle Step 2- Imagine what your life would look like if your perceived obstacle disappeared Step 3- Address your perceived obstacle Step 4- Choose to live the life you imagined today. From Olisa, “Don’t wait on your weight to live the life you want”! My first step is purchasing a dress that I like and wear it out in public without shame or regret. Seems simple, yet, it will be a major step on my ED journey.

#eating disorder awareness #body image #self-confidence #self love

[ebonix]

I’m stressing out. Like it’s very low key but my face is breaking out. I’ve been tryna figure out why. I’m hoping it’s because of my detoxing of my body and mind. But then I’m like is my body subconsciously reacting to the times and now my skin is suffering? I’ve delayed checking my face map cuz for some reason I feel like that area of my face is gyno related. Just checked and it says stress. At least I finally attempted to finish my hair. I quickly French twisted it cuz I’m feeling blah and standing for hours at the mirror just isn’t cutting it for #SelfCare today. I really want to visit my family and celebrate my bday with friends! At least I’ve gotten to speak to my homeboy these past 2 days and I have my boo to drove me crazy while also being my best companion! Maybe it’s the fact that I’m soooo behind in school AND these never ending video conferences but I am losing it. But video conferencing really isn’t a fair educational opportunity if a student has fucked up internet connection. My sound goes out. The internet cuts off my view of the lectures!!! Nawww! Schools gotta do betta! I’m not use to such ghetto-ness. I’m already dealing with a racist History Professor. Bruhh... makes it hard to focus when every time I think about him I remember this fool@said nigger multiple times in his YT lecture. The same lecture he tried to justify why some Gringo can teach Mexican American History. And his communications with us screams privilege, tenure....I keep tryna remember why th am I in school taking classes that I don’t NEED. I swear to God when I’m done ... let’s just say I’m not gonna be well liked by academia, but I am rocking the world of assholery known as the educational system. They said master the skill then you make yo art. I just gotta keep it together so, I can start my internship this summer!! I still can’t believe I have who I have as a mentor starting this summer! Fucking the system up since ‘93!! Turning visions into reality!! Woo... venting helps! I feel better already! https://www.instagram.com/p/B-gJHmJJNLi/?igshid=sz91r2eg8vea

#selfcare

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it. 

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it. 

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

#chronic-confessions #chronic illness #chronic community #spoonie #spoon theory #long post #multiple parts #unsupportive family #unsupportive significant other #spoonies in relationships #working spoonies #chronic pain #spoonies in school #chronic fatigue #headaches #Gastroparesis #ulcers #Multiple Sclerosis #autoimmune disease #anxiety #depression #blood transfusions #abdominal pain #nausea #Menstrual cycle #sleep problems #vision problems #joint pain

[foxylexe]

Taking ova Fo' the '99 and tha 2000

Going into the 2017 Fall season (last official day of August) backing my ass up into better health. Physically, mentally & spiritually. It's honestly been a long time coming too. Trying to pick yourself up off of falling (in my case, derailing) the tracks can be quite the process. One that I feel I'm more than ready to go through. Starting with my body cleanse =) No, it's not a complete physical detox. Although, my small steps to drinking more water & hard press juices are a huge start. For me at least. Also, eating my veggies, maybe a little less (bitch, be real. ALOT less...) junk food. Orasi like to call it, speed snacks. You know, those occasional zebra cakes for a sweet, sugary boost or my go-to bag of original lays chips to give me the salt intake needed to keep me from dizziness & nausea. Sidenote; yall know I'm predisposed to becoming hypoglycemic. It's genetics due to my mom having it & my suffering from the EXACT same symptoms at such an early age. First warning signs at age 13, fuck! But ANYWAY... My physical health is an area I've been wanting to work on. Becoming more agile & limber as I used to be, keeping my stomach nice & tight -Teyana Taylor, I'm COMING for you. Let's be tummy sisters -and clearing my oily skin. Of course all of this can't happen until I cleanse my mind & mental space 1st. As much as I've tried to meditate & create quiet places for myself to take deep moments, it's usually just a failure. Not saying that it's a definite impossibility for me, but it's certainly been a challenge. I've realized that I'm WAY TOO MUCH in my head. Always in my thoughts. Constantly in the mansions of my mind, unraveling & also tangling up all my ideas, theories, thoughts etc. Now I've discovered that, my mind IS my quiet place. It's my creation. Granted, it's anything BUT quiet, but it takes practice to slow down my race track of a brain. And it IS possible. It's a learning thing and you know I'm all about my "things" NYC Soooo I actually just came back a few days ago from New York. My crazy, beautiful, now exploited/gentrification filled, humbling, culturally wonderful & aesthically pleasing home. And honestly, this was the most fun I've had back home since I left home in Sept 2015. I've missed the late night lounging, trying new restaurants, drinks galore (lol), meeting & having really dope conversations with exotic herb with exotic people, all my Caribbean & Brooklynites comrades... *sigh* only NYC can offer me that taste of diversity & the overall feeling of being alive & on the move. Next time, I plan to take my man with me with so that we can shine astronomical levels :=) not going into specifics mainly because I'll never stop typing, but I got to see my best friends, old friends, reconnect & be a lioness. Also a humbling visit too, as I took my final steps (and final shit) in the infamous 10M. The apartment that has birthed generations in my family. And truly seen the best of times & the absolute worst of times. If those fucking walls can talk. The 10M bandit house. The trap, the church, the refuge... 30+ years of total wholeness. You'll always be glorified. But NYC was an absolute blast. Definitely planning on going back before the year is out. Everything else under the sun has been just about that. Under the sun getting burned out. Work has taken me into new levels of stress & mind fucks. Another area I won't get too deep into, but I'm trying to not let things get to me or take me into a dark place where I definitely don't want to wander around in. Granted, the environment is hypersexualized & loaded with vices that can easily turn into dangerous & even deadly habits. I've been staying afloat (barely) of the chaos. I've been saying I'm ready for the next big move, next chapter, next job, but much like that FB status I reposted a few weeks back stated: You can't get that job, next opportunity, etc without WORKING for it. Prayer & asking the universe for these things without the work & perseverance won't equal to anything. And it's 100% true. I know that much like a lot of us in this generation (not the new generation, I'm not talking to the babies) it feels like a Rollercoaster or whirlwind of sorts trying to figure out what is it you like to do, or good at that you can parlay into your career. We all hate working these shit dead-end jobs that aren't fulfilling to your passions and skills. It's a struggle most of us can relate too. And now-RIGHT now - is the 1st time I'm admitting that publicily. For me personally, I have a plethora of friends who seem to appear to be doing great in their life. Great job, big advances, some have started families, brands, etc. It can be quite depressing to look around at yourself & your circumstances. And become even harder on yourself asking questions like, what's wrong with me? Am I not skilled or intelligent enough? Am I not self sufficient? What is the reason I am not where I need to be in my life as my peers are? These are all legitimate but not so legitimate questions. Let's face it, we are all human. It's just in our nature to sometimes question & even envy those around us who appear to have their shit together. I don't want to look at the world & friends / family through rose colored glasses thinking their lives are peaches & cream while life (or your life) is shit turds & clogged toilets. Because the truth is, we are ALL trying to make it in this day & age. Especially when there's SO much literally working against us. Another post for another time. But sometimes, we have to take a step back & look around us, analyze the blessings bestowed on us & the progression you've made thus far. Shit I'm life will throw us for a loop. Throw us off track, that's a given. But it's how you pick yourself back up or at least make the best out of every moment you have a breath in your body. Much easier said than done lol. But definitely attainable. This actually falls right in line with my goals for this autumn season. A few days ago my man & I were having a discussion about growing and having a support system around you needed to make progression and be the best possible version of yourself. He spspeficially said you HAVE to set goals for yourself. Even if they're small, minor goals. They can only help, not hinder you. And it stuck with me because he's right. Small steps help the bigger overall picture in life. I just want a few things. New job, to finally FUCKING FINALLY quit bulls hitting & put my podcast out, get my body in shape, read more, open my horizons even more on the possibility of relocating & become more in tune with my mind as far as aligning all my chakras. Being hella zen. Again, much easier said than done because I'm such a wired woman, but a definite possibility for anyone. Including my off the wall ass. And of course this post went on way longer than I planned, but much, MUCH needed vent post; one of which I'll start doing monthly check ins with you guys keeping you up to date with your girl. Hopefully if you're reading this, it's helped, you've got some laughs or you gained some wisdom. Keep lurking my page. I'll be on here watching as well with my cat eye ;-p

[sleepdeprivedbaggyeyes]

2/3/19

Me:

Bad Stuff-

i don’t like how i’m so needy all the time. i don’t like how insecure i am. i don’t like how angry and jealous i stay all the time whether you know it or not. i don’t like how soft and sensitive i am. everything has the potention to hurt my feelings if the right diction is used and it’s so fucking stupid. i don’t want to be this... pathetic. i feel absolutely pathetic. i have such a tendency to over react and get so upset or stupid trivial shit.

i hate how my depression makes me look, act, and seem. i hate that it makes me appear and feel so absolutely worthless. and i get the same lecture from everyone. “stop using it as a crutch, it’s all in your head, stop letting it control you.” im not trying to used it as a crutch. i know it’s all in my head, it’s a MENTAL illness. i’m not letting it do anything, it does control me. how am i supposed to operate like a normal person when i couldn’t really give two shits if i saw the light of day tomorrow. and it’s so frustrating to feel constantly undermined because it.

shit that’s supposed to be normal like showering more than once every 2-3 days, getting up before noon, cleaning, having more than one meal a day, talking to friends on a regular basis; all that shit feels like huge victories to me for a moment, and the second i come back down and realize that people do that every day without thinking twice, and do way more, just.. snatches my little victories away. i’m not happy about them anymore, im just embarrassed that i got happy about it in the first place.

i don’t like my body. ever since i had scarlett, i just.. i hate looking in the mirror at me. like all that my body was worth got used up to carry a kid i never wanted and now i’m stuck with the remains. i don’t feel sexy, i don’t feel beautiful, i don’t feel like a woman unless i’m around you honestly. and to be completely honest? i hate that dependency. i love you, and i love the way you make me feel. emotionally and physically. i just wish i could love myself when you’re not there to do it for me.

i don’t like being a mom. i never wanted it. i don’t want the responsibility, i don’t want the heart break of watching her get older. i don’t want the inevitable fights when she’s a teen. i don’t want to resent her as much as i do because she didn’t ask to be here. it’s all my fault that i made her, and i feel like she has to suffer for it. me and my mom got into it tonight because apparently all i do is move her from her bed to her play pen every day. but it’s not true. they don’t see me and her when i have her in the floor, playing with her toys with her. or chasing her up and down the hallways over and over and over again. they see her when they get home and i’m tired. they see her in it when my depression catches up to me and i’m too demotivated to make one more fucking silly face or sippy cup.

i don’t feel like i’m good enough to be her mom. she deserves better than me and i know it. and i absolutely hate myself because of it. i don’t like how much i dislike being a mom. i WANT to want to be a good mom, because she deserves the best and i just know that’s not me.

Good Stuff -

i really don’t have much to say here. i like my eyes, my tits, my music taste, my little side. i like my imagination. i like my sense of humor and my ability to adapt it depending on who i’m talking to. i like my willingness and readiness to be there for some people.

i like my empathetic heart. i enjoy talking to people about their thoughts and problems and stuff and being able to understand. i like being able to find something to talk about with anybody because my interests and music taste and random shit i know about is so diverse. i like who i am when i smoke weed a lot. there’s nothing wrong with me in that hour or two. everything’s fun and funny and relaxing. i’m happy then.

ever since you brought up the thing about my putting your noodles in a bowl, about me being thoughtful, i’ve started noticing how much i actually do it. and i love it. i feel like it’s my one redeeming quality.

You:

Bad Stuff-

i don’t like how your word is 100%, no questions, law. like i understand that’s how most of the daddy/master/owner stuff works. but at the same time, there’s some things that i want to talk about and discuss because you bang the gavel down. like my rules, or how i should handle some situations. i got some opinions that i just want at least considered sometimes.

i don’t like how you take out your stress and anger on me. you’ve gotten so so so soooo much better since we first got together but it’s one of my big things. i understand being irritable, and snappy, but sometimes you’re just outright.. mean. and i know it’s not intended but it bothers me a lot when it happens. it makes me feel like i’ve done something wrong, when i haven’t. and i know i haven’t. but because of my (again) depression and anxiety, i second guess myself and over think and end up getting my feelings hurt like always.

i don’t like how consistently platonic you are with me when we aren’t face to face. i don’t want you to feel like you have to constantly cater to me, but saying something sweet or cute a couple times a day would help. it’s just my brain doing its thing again. “he’s not being sweet/nice/flirty with me, what if he’s not interested in me anymore?” and i really really really hate that i am that way. and i hope you see that i’ve been working on it.

i don’t like how you have rules for me but you don’t even come remotely close to following them yourself. drinking water, sleep schedule, eating ever day, and the journal. you don’t drink or eat the way you should. there’s no excuse for the drinking, but i understand the food and you should too. we don’t keep food either. if they aren’t here cooking, i’ve gotta dog through empty cabinets too. every now and then there’s shit to eat on for a couple days but more often than not, there isn’t. and you say you want to pick my brain, and stuff but i feel like i’m never gonna get to do my picking.

i don’t like how worried i am that you’re never gonna let me in. you have me writing all this but i feel like i’m never going to get it in return. it just feels like a double standard. you don’t let try to help you with things you go through. you told me the other night you’ve been having a depressive episode thing for like 3 weeks now and i had no idea. i want to help. it’s all i’m good at. it makes me feel useful instead of like burden. because i dump all my thoughts and feelings and shit on you but i can’t help you too whenever you might need it. i know you’re strong, and independent and you can do it alone. but i don’t want you to feel like you have to anymore.

Good Stuff-

where the absolute fuck do i even start. when we’re face to face you are the most loving and caring person i’ve ever been with. you listen to all my stupid problems without bitching about doing it. you carry all the bags. you make me laugh and play with me. even when you’re playing your game you find time for me whether it be on the phone or holding me while you play.

seeing you with scarlett makes my whole heart happy. i know you love her. and it makes me just.. unbelievably happy. you’re so good with her and patient and knowledgeable and everything in a parent i wish i was. and it’s not your job to be. you don’t HAVE to be that way with her in this stage of our relationship but you want to be. and it’s so amazing to me.

i love our routine. text or call before you go to work, occasional texts or calls through your work night, and then phone until bed. it makes me feel like you think about me and want me there, no matter the situation. when we have a day that’s just too hectic for us to talk much, it completely throws me off. i don’t know what to do with myself lol i’m just glad that you take the time to make me feel like you want me around as much as you can have me there.

i love everything you’ve done for me and scarlett. i love our talks. i love falling asleep on the phone with you. i love how we just casually enjoy each other. even through all the bullshit you’ve seen me go through and all the bullshit we’ve been through together in this short amount of time, i feel the closest thing i’ve felt to peace in a long time when i’m with you. you want me to do and be better and you see it in me. and instead of giving up you’re pushing me and i honestly could let ask for a better support, lover, or friend. i love you so much, dylan