#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

little-forget-me-not · 11 months

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EFT self-reflection (Noticing strengths)

Realising this is important so I’m gonna save my POSTIVE REFLECTION of events that I shared with a friend here. Because she had this encouraging and accepting attitude of me that allowed me to challenge myself cuz I valued her insights and I trust her.

So yknow what you said about me noticing my strengths? I've been trying to be more deliberate about it and I think I have 3 big things to share

First. Jer

I chatted with a classmate last night and it started out as a counselling role play session but we ended up just chatting. He was gonna go sleep at 10pm but he ended up staying till almost 1130pm lmao. And I've never actually chatted with him before. And in the conversation we had I learnt that he was more of a listener type and never really got to talk about himself so he's not very familiar or super comfortable with it. But I realised as we were talking, he was quite open and engaged. And he must have enjoyed the conversation and company cuz he chose to stay for so long. So I think I do have a strength whereby I am...accepting and warm and open enough that people feel able to be more candid around me. And I think I'm good at listening to people and making them feel heard and like I am interested in their person, their story.

That's amazing. It sounds like you find it hard to believe that this happened. But you know, I think this is what I see you as being good at. Like I said, your main priority is always listening to the other person and trying to understand their emotions, experiences and story. That makes the person who talks feel like it's a safe space. The other guy who opened up to you, is just like the many ppl in your past like the guys who crushed on you, Dawn, other online friends, who were all lonely and used to being overlooked or neglected, but who felt like you cared to hear what they have to say. I think that's your strength and you shouldn't undervalue or dismiss it, that you want to be there for ppl who are misunderstood, lonely, overlooked (what you didn't have), and that care comes through to the person

Second. W

The lecturer who invited me to take this EFT course purposely singled me out despite this course only being largely available to people who signed up for a separate course since it requires an in depth understanding of attachment theory. My lecturer shared that she was essentially so impressed with how well written my essay was that she was like "this one can", and then encouraged me to take the course. So like...clearly I am good at understanding the material and I do write comprehensive and good essays because it straight up led to such a rare opportunity and caught the attention of someone in the industry. Who btw is very...supportive of me and wants to keep in touch. (She also asked if she could hug me when saying bye ;;;)

Both of these made me really happy and kinda ... I mean I felt the urge to deflect. But I saw that it was true. The fact that I had this positive effect...and my efforts were acknowledged and got me places. So I do write good essays. And i can make a favorable impression just by being myself.

Third. A&M

Holy fuck this was extremely interesting but also anxiety inducing but also just kinda reaffirming. TLDR I unknowingly facilitated a freaking 2 hour couple therapy session with my classmate and his husband of 17 years ???? And guess what...it was actually helpful and eye-opening for the couple and they ended up making strategies to improve and reaffirm their relationship hy the end of it and thanked me?? One of them kept joking about sending me a cheque or like "So next Tuesday afternoon then ?" XD

...it was incredibly affirming... like ok first of all. Literally first time meeting my classmates husband. Like I said in the very first point above, I must have come off in an open or warm way or smth for them to both eventually start bickering in front of me.... The husband was like, "We don't usually do this in front of friends/people"

I wasn't intending to play therapist. I just wanted to listen to what they were both saying and I heard a lot of...I guess miscommunication so i kept trying to clarify (you're right I do ask thoughtful open ended questions, I'm capable and maybe good at clarifying what people are feeling/meaning/saying and I do pick up on emotions that are not articulated but implied).

And surprisingly I guess...even tho I feel very inexperienced in life stuff...I do actually have a lot more experience in understanding trauma and relationships which proved to be helpful in either relating to others, giving voice to their experiences or just kinda general .... relationship miscommunication stuff. My experience in relationship dynamics ended up lending insight to their dynamic and helping them meet each other better?? Like I think I'm able to hear what people are trying to say but not actually saying...? Like it took me a while but I slowly came to understand where both of them were coming from and I saw how different their views were but how there was an underlying sense of love (but not meeting each other ways that cater to either of them)

I totally see what you mean now about my reaction to the pet thing being like..weirdly defensive. Cuz I totally saw that in my classmate. Like he literally got so heated he was shouting (without realising it I think I was so tempted to be like...calm down...calm down but I didn't lmao cuz I know that pisses people off). But eventually kinda got to the root of the matter.

Anyway it was kinda fascinating and we did that for 2 whole hours ??? They ended up thanking me a lot and both seemed to feel more heard and understood ... and his husband was like "You have a gift" and I'm like 😳😳😳

TLDR maybe I am more capable of therapy than i thought?? I wasn't really trying to do anything I was just trying to listen and to clarify my understanding and their understanding of each other. But it seems that alone is a decent foundation?

Also this is my most therapeutically inclined classmate...aces everything, a real go getter and currently working as a counsellor. He's super passionate. Also they are both easily 2 decades older than I am. One of them even majored I'm psychology when it was still new. So to know that...I'm still able to lend helpful insights to people like them who I see as experienced and kinda more capable than me...was quite humbling and eye opening. Like wah...my words and experiences still have value. Also another layer is that his husband is white. And you know I had an inferiority complex. But I didn't really experience that. I think the whole being with Dawn thing really helped normalise this issue of mine. I truly just see people as people now.

Also it was really helpful that my classmate is also a therapist cuz he would point out stuff that I was doing (like the game achievement thing!!!) And was like "that's a very good reframe" etc and I was like omg I was doing it unconsciously so I have it in me

And secondly, like I said, you ask good qns, thoughtful and open ended. Like I said you try to understand the other person's emotions. People aren't straightforward with emotions, so you need to probe, which you unconsciously do. You're very attuned to emotions. It's both your greatest strength and your witness. Strength as in you make sure you really heard the person correctly and understood their story. Not everyone will be so open to others emotions. Weakness as in sometimes lacking the focus on the facts (you worry about being gullible). So yes, I do think you pick up a lot on emotions not articulated but are implied. So you could see that they still care about each other even despite the 'noise' of the arguments and different opinions and miscommunication. You do it with me too. I think you come down too hard on yourself on life experience. If you can accept how your upbringing has given you a hidden set of strengths, like caring about the people who go unheard, caring about other's feelings, mindful about hurt and trauma, you'll see that you already have quite a lot with you, like you have strengths. The other things like adulting can be learned once you process your inferiority and fear. But your strengths can't be learned because they're unique to you and innate to you, and that's something precious

I can tell you still find it hard to believe, but I hope over time you can own your strengths and good parts and feel proud of who you are and what you bring to the world. It's really nice to hear you talk about experiencing positive feelings. So rare! You don't allow yourself to dwell on it so it's really nice to hear when you do.

Yeah, you do reframe a lot. Funnily enough, you might be really bleak when it comes to life coz of fear, shame and trauma, but you're very hopeful and positive when it comes to people, and you often point out the good in them. Thank you for sharing so openly. It's very nice to see you allow yourself good things and to hear about it

Ya after you said what you did about me being resistant to my strengths I became more mindful of it...and tried not to fight it. It made me feel pretty happy and good about myself. Hopeful. Feels a bit full in my chest. It's nice to see myself in a more competent and affirming light. A bit scary and uncomfortable too but. It's not a bad thing...this shift.

I think I hold on to the criticism as a buffer. If everything I do is bad then I can't let anyone or myself down cuz it's expected. But if I am capable of good and I fail that, then...idk, I guess it makes me feel worse somehow. And if I succeed then it's like...well good...didn't have it to lose to begin with. Being critical of myself and blaming everything on me protects me from shame, which is more overwhelming and painful for me to handle. The blame and criticism is a lot more familiar and comfortable in comparison.

Haven't sounded this aloud so this might be a bit rambly... but uhhh.. so I have this belief I'm not good at everything. So if I acknowledge I'm good at something, my mind is like "this means you cannot fail it or you'll let everyone down and you're a fraud and a fake and a loser..." (old schemas attack me) and that's...essentially shame isn't it? I feel so ashamed for failing or being bad at smth I'm "supposed to be good at". Like relationships mean a lot to me. I value them a lot and I value the people in my life. So if I learn that they actually felt unheard or taken for granted or hurt by me... I feel extremely intense shame that makes me feel like I'm worthless and better off dead. Like it's an extreme trigger. So it becomes easier to assume I'm not good at stuff and when I do succeed at things it's a surprising but pleasing accident that proves "I'm not all that bad. (But not good)". But it's definitely not helpful....it's been a self sabotaging thing. Like I make everything in my life extra difficult for no real reason xD like with school snd stuff. My classmate was saying that suffering can be optional and I was like....hmm.. cuz I guess whenever I succeed I end up linking my success to having suffered and struggled. Rather than my resourcefulness or hard work or intelligence.

“You feel shame for being a 'bad child' (or bad person?) when you fail or make mistakes, and the way that your child self decided to protect yourself from the abject shame, reject and loss of self worth, is by criticizing and blaming yourself first. If you reject you first, other ppl can't blame, reject or criticize you more, you make sure you're protecting yourself by being hypervigilant, you can be pleasantly surprised instead of crushingly ashamed or horrified at yourself. Am I getting you right?“

I think the EFT course also kinda helped cuz its emphasised that there are no model answers and that's not the focus. The focus is making the client feel their emotions and to validate their experiences. Which seems more doable for me

I can't believe the first therapy-like session I did was with a COUPLE wtfff. Actually I found it kinda interesting cuz I tend to need to think before I speak. Sometimes I think a lot. I'm individual therapy I worry the client will be uncomfortable with the silence and I get anxious to fill it so I say meaningless stuff. But with couples...they kinda fill in the silence themselves so I can think while they fight lmfao. Is a bit scary when it's heated but...it is fascinating. Very telling. Usually it's 2 people trying to say similar thing in very different ways and you have to reconcile it. I never thought I'd ever do a couple or...more than one therapy tho. Like I definitely think it's too much for me. But ....hey guess what xD I could handle it.

“You might surprise yourself with what you become good at in future! Therapy wise I mean“

Yeah...most people seem to believe that of me... like I'm good at it. So...surely has to come from somewhere. And I guess today I got to see more of it. I feel a bit more confident and cautiously optimistic about the future having had these experiences

I have to admit sharing the good stuff about myself was fun but now I'm uncomfortable again so I'll probably leave it here for now 😂😂😂

#09052023 #reflection #realise i ruminate instead of reflect #so here's a good example for myself to go back to on when i actually reflected #i always use this space to vent...maybe i can use it to reflect instead #rei talks

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marveloussupernerd · 3 years

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Yoosung is so under appreciated in this fandom >:( if you could write about cooking in the kitchen with Yoosung that would be fantastic >:)

YES poor sweet bby Yoosung. I get why ppl think he maybe doesn’t have a personality esp in other routes but also ... he do b a college student I don’t have a personality either JSJSJ

Cooking - Yoosung Kim

Summary: Yoosung is best boy. And best boyfriend. He wants to make you a special dinner since you just moved in with him and you offer to help

You had finally unpacked the last of your boxes. You were officially moved into Yoosung’s apartment. With all the threats of the hacker, which shouldn’t have been much of a big deal since Seven and V supposedly took care of them... but Yoosung wasn’t sure. He was stressed with you in that apartment. Still, it wasn’t until the next school year came along that he was looking for a new apartment to lease and offered to look for a larger one so you could move in.

You had stayed the night at Yoosung’s dozens of times, but this was different. The energy was different. You never had to worry about what time you were going home. It was like every second was a date. But also, it was going to be hard to stay focused working from home with him by your side. All an adjustment, but more than worth it to stay with your perfect boyfriend.

The two of you were sprawled out on the couch, exhausted but satisfied with your hard work moving everything in. Yoosung’s head rested on your shoulder; he pushed off from his position to look at you. “Can I make you dinner? Anything you want,” he offered.

“Oh it’s chill. We can just get a pizza.” The last thing you needed right now was a mess in the kitchen. Making food was way too much work.

“B-but!” He protested, his voice cracking, “this is our first night living in the same house together. And you want to celebrate it with pizza!?”

You shrugged. “I’m really craving pizza.”

“Have you ever made pizza?” Oh boy. It was like a lightbulb went off over his head. He was always overcomplicating things, but that’s one of the reasons you loved him so much.

“Of course. I feel like everyone’s done that at like a sleepover before.”

“You’ve done that at a sleepover!?” He seemed to not believe you. “I’ve... never done it before. But we could try! If you’re willing to help me out.”

You sighed, pushing yourself off the couch to stand up. “I would’ve been totally fine with just ordering but... of course I’ll show you. I don’t know how well I remember though.”

He was pulling up a recipe as you spoke, just in case you did forget a part or two. But it seemed like he would rather learn from you, as he set the phone face-down on the counter and focused on you, rolling up your sleeves. “First we need dough. I’m imagining you don’t have frozen pizza dough here.”

He chuckled, shaking his head.

“That’s okay! Technically we could make it from scratch but... you don’t have any yeast, do you?”

He shook his head no again, his ears heating up red. “I didn’t realize that was a thing to have.”

You giggled. “That’s okay! We can improvise.” He grabbed his phone while you turned to the fridge, sorting through to find anything that could be used as the crust.

“Got it!” You called, pulling out a roll of Pillsbury crescent roll dough. “This will work just fine. You wanna open it up and try and make it into a nice flat pizza shape?”

He took the roll from you eagerly, smacking it against the table to open it up. “I love this stuff. I think it’ll work pretty well.”

“Now while you do that... we need sauce. You have any sauce?” You turned back to look at him, tongue stuck out as he concentrated on smushing the sides of the dough together.

“Huh!?” He looked up at you. “Oh, yeah. It should be in the little side door thingy in the fridge.”

Well Ragù was admittedly not your first choice, but how different could pizza and pasta sauces be? (AN: as an Italian who makes both homemade... they rlly aren’t too different and I’ve def made pizza w pasta sauce before oop)

You set the jar of sauce next to Yoosung. “This is shaping up to be a very nice pizza. Now how about cheese?”

His grin on his face widened. “I’ve got a ton of different cheeses. Makes me feel fancy.” He abandoned his workstation to walk to the fridge with you, opening it up and opening a drawer which had just... wow... a lot of cheese. “We’ve got parmesean, mozzarella, brie, provolone, American...”

“Mozzarella. That’s the traditional kind.”

“The shredded kind or the string cheese kind?” He asked. You wanted to laugh but... oh boy he was serious.

“Shredded, Yoosung.” You couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry. You’re so sweet and cute.”

“Don’t call me cute,” he pouted, tossing the bag of shredded cheese to the counter. “I’m very mature.”

“Of course you are,” you teased. “You do have like a million different kinds of cheeses.”

He sighed, rolling his eyes, then making his way back to the dough. It looked pretty good honestly. You grabbed a baking tray and set the dough on it. “Now we can add the sauce and start jazzing it up,” you instructed.

Yoosung got to work on the sauce. Or... opening the jar of sauce. He was putting a lot of muscle into it, but it was not working.

“You need some help, Baby?” You offered, batting your eyelashes at him so he wouldn’t get mad at the nickname.

“Yes,” he whined, passing the jar to you. “I can’t get it.”

You popped the jar open in a few tries. Granted, it was hard to open. He wasn’t absolutely crazy. “There ya go.”

He made his way behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. “You’re so strong. And talented. And smart,” he complimented.

You leaned back into his touch. “So are you. That was tough to open.” You grabbed a spoon and put it in one of his hands that was on your waist. “Help me spread the sauce?” You asked, looking up at him innocently.

He couldn’t say no to your puppy dog eyes. The two of you dipped your spoons into the sauce, plopping down sauce and spreading it out across the dough. He got a little too violent with dropping sauce, splashing some on you by accident. He hadn’t noticed until you jumped, cringing.

“Aw Honey, you’ve got sauce on you!” He exclaimed, setting his spoon down and using the pad of his thumb to gently wipe it off your cheek. “Ah, I-“ he glanced anywhere but to look at you, still flustered by the intimacy of the action. He was so adorable; he had his arms tight around you but was embarrassed by wiping sauce off your face. He let out a sigh and put the sauce-coated thumb into his mouth, sucking off the sauce, his face bright bright red, his eyes looking anywhere but at you.

“I, uh, think the sauce is all done,” you told him, trying to put his attention elsewhere. He jumped, his hand leaving your hips, and made his way over to grab the cheese.

The two of you sprinkled a ridiculous amount of cheese on the pizza, making sure no square inch was uncovered. And with that, you were able to put it in the oven. You hopped up onto the counter to sit and wait, coaxing Yoosung by your side with a tilt of your head.

He stood to the side of your legs, and you rested your hands on his shoulders, later opting to loop them loosely around his neck. “We did pretty good, huh?” You commended, unable to wipe the smile off your face.

“I think it was a great first meal. Well, I don’t know if it’ll taste good yet, but I had fun with it,” he nodded eagerly.

“Yoosung, I’m so happy to be here with you.” You leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his lips.

“Me too.” He pulled you back in before you could completely move back to begin with, connecting your lips right on with his this time, one of his hands settling on your hip and the other on your thigh.

The timer sounded; the pizza was done! Yoosung’s face was bright red, as it always was after you kissed. You’d think he’d be used to it by now, but he wasn’t. He was just as sweet as always. He looked so cute putting on his oven mitts to pull the tray out of the oven. The pizza smelled good. You were just proud that you made something together.

#mystic messenger #mysme #Yoosung kim

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purelovesolos · 3 years

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212 has sparked some thoughts

(spoilers below the cut)

Ok Imma rag on Vaughn again because buddy is weirdt. So, he envisioned John rising up to be this mighty leader & having his students band together. Obv he didn’t get that so he’s disappointed but Vaughn wth did you expect? You’re aware of society’s ills of how ppl treat others weaker than them yet, YOU LET JOHN ENROLL AS A CRIPPLE?!? Like huh??? Hello, that’s the lowest in the hierarchy ofc the student body is not going to react to him positively. This is your school you should’ve known that. Then I’m pretty sure he’s aware of how Wellston treated him for over a year but, he still didn’t interfere (adding on to that he doesn’t interfere w/any low tiers’ situation; what a lovely headmaster). I have no idea how Vaughn expected John to live up to his expectations when he just set him up for failure but, fine wtv he can stay disappointed by it. Your plan was mad faulty dude!

Anyways... I’m not me if I don’t bring Blyke up 🥱. Even though he didn’t speak in 212, there’s smth being set up for him since the amp is being linked to him. However Blyke’s talk goes (pretty sure it’s not gonna end well) I see 2 possibilities for him: Readjustment Classes or a Suspension

- Readjustment Classes

I mean it would make the most since. Blyke became a vigilante (smth Vaughn doesn’t praise) & developed a justice boner. He even became a vigilante w/o the influence of Unordinary. Readjusting him would make him probably revert back to an “acceptable” high ranker. As in you don’t put your neck out on the line for others but, you’re still a good example & all that yada yada. The only thing that doesn’t sell me is the fact that the authorities will have to get involved. Vaughn has done everything in his power to keep the authorities away from Wellston so, I don’t think he’d purposely call them to deal w/this one student because then I feel like Wellston would be under strict surveillance (a 2nd high ranker w/radical opinions on their society who also became a vigilante probably calls for concern).

On another note, we don’t know how the authorities respond to situations w/an *alive* vigilante. I’m pretty sure in the event that Vaughn were to call the authorities in order to schedule readjustment classes he’d have to give info abt Blyke which would be that he’s a vigilante who brought ability amplifiers back to campus. The vigilante thing is like “this kid became a superhero, gotta kill him now 🤦🏾‍♀️” & the amplifier thing is like “this kid has our secret product we produced and/or distributed, he knows to much gotta kill him ig 🤷🏾‍♀️”. Idk it’s a tricky slope that just has grim possibilities if it were to ever come to fruition.

- Suspension

Now the only reason I want this is because it gets us outside of Wellston & I want to see more of this world. Do I think it’ll change Blyke’s new ideals? Nah but, what Vaughn doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I’m pretty sure he suspended Sera so that she didn’t influence her peers (might be wrong, also he never did any follow up w/Sera’s friends to see if they share Sera’s new way of thinking) so, maybe that’ll be his justification for suspending Blyke (& it doesn’t need the authorities interfering).

There’s also the chance that Blyke dies comes in contact w/EMBER. Back on my theory shit but, what if because Blyke is not under the watchful eye of Wellston they start formulating a plan to kill him (this is assuming they know he’s a Wellston student which shouldn’t be hard to find out as I touched on here). Do I want Blyke to die? No, but his storyline seems to be the one most likely to come in contact w/EMBER so I’m just theorizing their response (which just involves death™️). Also for no reason other than the fact that I miss him... another Kuyo ex machina would be fkn great (vigilante team-up please I want it 😤).

I know Blyke won’t get focus for a few chapters since Arlo & Sera are meeting w/the sketchy ppl (yay for advancing that plot point) so I’m just gonna sit on this for now~

#unordinary #unordinary webtoon #uno speculation #unordinary blyke #hehe theories go brrr

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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another prompt saga

April 8th: Talk about friendship. How important are friends to you? Do you find it hard to make and maintain friendships? Are your friends generally supportive? Is there anything about having friends that confuses you?

another big question for me to go on plenty of tangents lol

well i haven't often had friends Really, there's like, being amicable with classmates, being friends with people While We're At School Together, being friendly acquaintances lmfao, or like, the occasional "yeah ig we're sort of friends, not exactly very close tho" lol and then rarely where yeah i'd call someone a close friend, although naturally, it's not like i completely discount those other, less close relationships. and, even more so, not like overall i'm like "oh friendship? yeah that's pretty frivolous and unimportant and it's just something mildly entertaining vs the Real Shit & True Emotional Support & Love of your biological family and romantic soulmate" lol, Friends Are Important and it's entirely serious 2 me

also natch i Do find it hard to make and maintain friendships lol. goes back to like, preschool and being around a bunch of age peers regularly for the first time, where my "best friend" defaulted to this one person who sought out interacting with me when i was otherwise doing my own thing during preschool recess, and i was pretty enthused about getting invited to a bday party one kid invited a bunch of us to, because that was like, a Friend thing, and a fun social thing, and i was included.....that i Do remember just feeling like, socially, everyone else was playing a game i didn't know the rules to and so couldn't expect to participate and, furthermore, i ought to stay out of the way of whatever everyone else was doing, where i Did often choose to do stuff by myself, but it's like, you know, the way "autistic" is even used figuratively (which. i have a lot of disdain for) because it's like oh the defining thing really is that telltale "doesn't want to interact with other people or form relationships, probably because also they have no feelings / normal and intrinsic qualities of Humanity" but it's like, if you pay any attention or god forbid ask autistic people about their own experiences, sure everyone has their own varying social approach and anyone might not always be raring to be the center of the party or Not want to do their own thing, but it's not that oh all autistic people aren't interested in social connection, but that like even when you are a small child it's like, oh all these other kids are interacting in this way that isn't really my social style and that shuts me out, and/or attempting to interact with people results in this even subtle, quiet rejection / exclusion that can be picked up on. i wasn't making friends and was often keeping to myself / keeping my head down as it were, but it wasn't because i didn't want to have friends or socialize. my mom was insistent i was a Shy Child lmao and i'd always argue that i wasn't Really, without further explanation though lmao, but it's like, again that i felt that sort of emergent exclusion, and there wasn't any space to interact much on my terms at all, and like, yeah i often stayed quiet / didn't want to mingle with other kids / if i was in a Situation i wanted to know the How To of navigating it / what to expect

being friends with people at school was fine, except the drawbacks of stuff like "we're only interacting at school, rarely hanging out outside of that" & "someone in the same grade is in a diff class in elementary school so we just never see each other now" & "for some reason that 2nd grade teacher made a whole giant Example out of me and a friend, god forbid, not paying attention or whatever the fuck, so now i feel like we can't interact at all anymore" & "changing schools entirely between elementary / middle / college" & "not being in school" lmao similar to work friends too, we're At Work, might not see each other outside of that, might change jobs & stop seeing each other, & still overall rare, b/c the Preschool Experience never Really stopped imo, had different versions of it even into college and like, being at jobs with other adults lmao, socializing is still Like That, came up with the Je Ne Hate Quoi where like, people kind of just Know to exclude you / consider you an exception to whatever other social stuff is going on.

and then like, the difficulties even when socializing / interactions Are happening, where like, it's always funny like. i'm very Verbose / Chatty and very opinionated but like, this will surprise people, that i Talk actually and have a ton of takes, b/c i was keeping to myself / not sharing that with them and so it's like well, that must of course be the realest version of me, no way i was filtering myself, i just must have Not Wanted to talk, and/or had nothing to say & hence no thoughts or feelings i might wanna share lol, of course....and tbh like, it sure Can be true that i don't wanna talk lmao like. i wanna talk About Stuff that isn't really "personal" generally, which can be like, yeah i wanna talk about this book, or about birds, or about this trivia topic, or whatever, whereas idk so much how to do like small talk about your day or otherwise share Casual things about Yourself, like, idk, being aware my interests are things about Myself but also aware that it's Weird / wasn't the kind of stuff you were supposed to talk about, and i felt that things about my life were otherwise Not The Right Stuff, or too boring (never hanging out, not doing much except being at home reading / doing shit by myself or w/siblings) or too Unfun (able to pick up the sense that At Home Shittiness was a private matter lol......) and it'd be like, idk what to say, things about myself don't seem to fit..........but also it can be that i do not enjoy the Vibe of an interaction lmfaoooo like, i truly do not want to talk to you people. like that i can sometimes vibe with someone inebriated people better lmfao because then, idk, they have some sense of humor and can muster some enthusiasm for anything, but also i'm not really a fan of knowing that someone isn't sober lmfao like. ppl will be like "omg were you drunk" like no, that was just my personality, whereas i am not Heartened to know other ppl Will have to have been drunk to get on my level, for example, don't understand when people cannot muster being even a little silly. it's goofaround hours. but then you have like, being around a bunch of cishet people when they're drunk, and their humor is as nonexistent and boring as ever but they're even louder / more insistent about it, nightmare. and, yknow, just people talking and i'm like "i'm not interested in this at all, whether re: conversational Style or Subject, i would not want to participate" and times when it's like. i know if i was gonna chime in with what i Would say you would not be able to handle me here lmfaoooo so. i truly would prefer examining the wall and thinking about my own shit or texting with someone i do like talking with

but that yknow, in groups / conversations i would be at least someone interested in, i can still be like, idk, Hesitant To Talk b/c of all the instances you've been taught like oh you're socializing Wrong and everyone hated that, sorta like the post about making a comment about salsa that brings the gc to a halt and you're wondering how you fucked up and if salsa killed someone's parents and forgot or whatever, i've been Disheartened re: hanging out when it's like, well, nice to be included, but i'm a friendship third wheel here, not being included in the entire convo and nobody misses it, there's been instances where it's like, two people talking, i chime in, i am completely ignored multiple times, this is frustrating lmao. or there's been times i've tried to put myself out there in a way, like yeah sure i'll hang out with this group, but also i'm anxious and it's like, if people are doing homework i'm also bringing this thing i'm working on as this parallel task, only to find out down the line like people then regarded you as a joke or something b/c it was Rude or Wrong when you know, actually that was you reading some weird shit that didn't exist into the situation, and just like, idk it's wild how people will have like "graciously" declined to express something to your face, and you either can pick up on shit at the time but not be able to say anything which just reads to people like "oh they didn't notice this / that means you can push it a little further next time even" or like, figure out later that something that seemed positive or decent actually ft. people not liking you / not wanting to include you Yet Again, and as a bonus you're left with you know, having to always worry about if people Seemingly being amicable & accepting is actually them wishing you weren't there or solidifying some Interpretations of you that they're then gonna Talk About or Act On behind the scenes, like, beautiful thank you, always very touching, so glad you were so Considerate of someone's feelings and Nice about this where it just ends up being this whole letdown / feeling like even more of a rejection if there was this weird like stringing along lmao like. can allistic people be normal for five minutes

anyways and tied to that sort of, it's also like, simultaneously Cagey About Things and always worried about like, i could tell this person this thing and maybe it'd be Incorrect for the interaction and they won't care, whether because it's too mundane and boring a thing about you or because it's too #Real, i think i glimpsed something a month or so ago about like "do other autistic people have trouble where like, you can be friends with someone a long time but not get particular Close to them" or whatever lol, where like, well i have to hold everyone at arm's length and often Then Some because there's just matter of fact stuff about me that i nonetheless think i can't or shouldn't share, if i talked about something it might be out of the blue b/c i just was hardly confiding in people about it, or it's boring, or it's like, i don't actually feel like i'm close enough with this person that saying this isn't gonna be like "whoa overshare!! i just feel awkward & weird!" lmfao like. there were people i hung out with in person the year i lived out of my car and i did not mention this at all to them / kept it a secret b/c it's like, not out of like ohh this is a secret b/c No One Can Know, some people Could know lmao (shoutout to the person i Did confide in about these problems and who talked with me at what must've been like 3am in that timezone when i was like "well the rich people around here made sure to get cops to harass an unhoused person, e.g. me, would you believe it, it sucked" lmfao) it's that i knew idk, it would be pointless, they'd just feel weird about it and switch into that "for some reason, this is being Nice" where everyone will go into full Putting On A Front mode to be Polite like, that really sucks actually lmao could you Not. but it's like, idk, all this stuff where it's like "this thing about me / my life would be too Boring or too Awkward or Depressing or Etc Etc" turns out to be isolating / alienating b/c like, of course it would be. and idk nobody i ever made friends with in person i was Confiding in, not a ton of them re: me either, because you know. being cagey and wary, on top of like ohhh this person is Standoffish if they're hesitant to interact with people generally or do their own thing or i don't think they're socializing Right / have incorrectly inferred their feelings/motivations/intentions or whatever

and furthermore on that lmao it's also like, again, while i'm Verbose & Opinionated people will think i'm quiet & have no takes to provide because it's also like, even when it comes to stuff i sure feel i Could talk freely about, it's like, if i have a different opinion here will that just be a conversational Interruption ruining things for the real participants, probably nobody wants to hear me talk about this Subject, probably nobody wants to / would let me talk about it at much length without interrupting, even Online lmao i can be just going all out in terms of [how much i can talk about something] and while people can be Into that at that time it's like, people aren't into that beyond that one back and forth on one day, shoutout when people do enjoy the extensive discussing and/or have patience for it other times lol.

then supposing i Am talking to people lmao it's like, idk i'm an acquired taste or what have you, like, on top of the Talking A Ton it's like, the being opinionated and argumentative and sometimes pedantic or whatever on top of being irritable, could stand to be a bit more patient lmao, The Hater Friend to use the figure of speech lmao i have hardly been in a Group to be The [Any] Friend lol, also if my sense of humor doesn't fit it's like well how am i supposed to be silly, if being sometimes Enthused doesn't fit, again kinda an issue......have described myself as A Bit Much, humorously, but already not doing that as Much b/c it's like, i think i'm still too much like considering other people's opinions too "objective" here when like, first of all that's never accurate lmao, second of all i can easily forget that idk, i can at least in theory expect people to just regularly Like me and Enjoy interacting with me lol so. an acquired taste few can sample..........like hey even if other people don't vibe with me, it can just as much be the case that i'm not vibing with other people, don't worry lmao. and yknow, kinda parallel to Masking to seem acceptable in any casual social situation it's like, if i feel i'm suppressing my whole personality here / putting up a front / like i have to Get Through what should be a friendly interaction rather than be able to enjoy it myself, it's not exactly that rewarding. and plenty of times it's like, i like to be around people, but it can be strangers, i don't feel like "oh i wanna go out to eat / see a movie / go to this event, but if i can't get any friends to go, guess i can't!" like get out of the way i'm readily doing shit alone, it can even feel Better that way if otherwise it's like, now this occasion is about performing peak Agreeability for this other person/people, and like, not like i have ever been like "yes i have people i can readily ask to hang out and they'll be like Ya" anyways lol so. used to operating solo, where you can't be like "aha this is because this person has no Human Interest in Human Connection" when it's like. well it was never all up to me was it

well and so also it helped when i was 14 and able to be Online consistently, vs at home lmao. time for online friendship, which i don't think is like, oh that's not Real, like what sorry have you never known about people who have Remote friendships before, phones & letters & telegrams and also [nowadays when many ppl are Remote even if they usually lived near enough to hang out with] where it's like, you have this different format for socializing that can sure play out differently than Real Time, In Person interactions, and ever since i'll be posting mostly to myself lmfao but able to thusly talk about Interests and like, people will come along who want to talk more about it, then we do. i suppose also it can sure help that i'll draw (and Only draw, lol) for said interests, although tbh i think most of the time it's the extensive text posts that do it? really and great litmus test or whatever lmfao like, well already this person must not hate the verbosity. and then you can end up vibing with these people further, or not, but it's like, again, there's this chance for From The Start like, oh this person Likes that i have this niche interest, they like &/or don't mind talking A Lot about it lmao, vs in person introductions where that can sure happen but it's like, that's gonna be chance & spontaneous, whereas ppl might have the opportunity to Seek Out this interaction / content of yours......even online though, i'm still like, not as inclined to reach out or make the first interaction move or whatever lmao so. and then it's like, people make galaxy brain remarks like "ohh people who are very Online don't have friends, irl, they aren't Personable, irl," like yes congratulations i'm autistic and i don't have many In Person friends generally, sometimes maybe not any, don't really know where people think they'll land their argument here. like, follow it through, are you just calling people losers. is it "social media makes peopel Not social" like nobody is Doing Anything when they're online or everyone is embracing strangers and having heart to hearts every weekday morning with whoever is nearby if only they weren't on twitter? plus the fact that like, if i don't have access to people i interact with online, that doesn't like, force me to become neurotypical so that i then have a thriving in person social circle, it just means i'm more isolated? meanwhile, turns out it helps a lot if it's like, yeah i can Expect to interact with people

and then still like, all the time it might be like i still can feel Confused as it were about How To Talk To People lmfao like. there's not much "Just Be Yourself" when being yourself has meant filtering yourself, actually, and being v self conscious about trying (and often failing) to appeal to other people (which, then if you do succeed, it's like oops this person likes me but if i've been putting up a front the whole time, not super Validating) and not exactly a ton of practice getting to do Otherwise, and it can again be like. is this too boring to talk about, or just somewhat arbitrarily like "oh i'd better Not talk / say whatever" for no real reason lmfao, i Can just get like. Real Time Chatty as it were, but it's difficult actually lmfao like i need a lot of momentum, and it's easy for that to be Not the case.......and just like, again that it's easy to forget you don't have to be in "nobody wants to hear you talk" mode, or think like, okay, i can't just say anything, i have to say something Good, aka of interest or funny or whatever lmao but then it's like well i guess i Can just say anything. don't much know how to do that tho

(also, sidenote from "wtf is thinking being friends w/someone online is faker than when you're friends with someone sort of from being in the same building every weekday, what is the conclusion of 'what a loser geek whatever if you care about connecting Online who can't be popular Offline'" where it's always funny when someone is also like "wow even in person Fandom is, like social media, something that only people who suck at socializing Normally are into" lmfao like. not very relevant b/c nobody wants to really be in a broader fanbase rather than find particular kindred spirits through it, and who actually wants to go to comic con or whatever, sounds like a nightmare, but it's still such a faux analytical perspective lmfao like, again, first of all, what's the Conclusion to your argument here? and secondly honestly like. all versions of Small Talk are kinda gonna be bullshit, even amongst say, nt people, there's nothing Universal, and people can certainly be inconsiderate / preclude any genuine connection via what they might consider to be this neutral part of the ritual, and yknow, i find it kinda exhausting like it's peak Time To Mask and then i'm hardly in the mood to Really talk further, like yknow what. idk i'd be annoyed if someone demanded i Correctly Complete some sort of fandom reference by way of greeting, but i'm also annoyed when someone demands i Correctly Complete whatever maneuvers you're supposed to do with a rhetorical "how are you :)" lmfao like. you're a cringe nerd in the rigid social ritual of pleasantries fandom)

anyways and uhh yeah i also yknow, hashtag alana beck, it's like, glad to pretend Friendly Acquaintances makes sense, i guess it can, but it's great when it's like, oh i Don't have to only expect to be really peripheral in people's lives, or to only be friends with people i don't feel like i vibe with That much or also talk to that much about anything, when i can definitely feel like Yes this person is a Friend, no "are they actually closer to an acquaintance at this point" disclaimers needed, again, taking it back to the fact that friendship sure is Significant to me and when i have it that's v important thanks

so it's like uhhhh yeah difficult to make friends, don't have general appeal or whatever lol, ppl aren't on my wavelength or i'm not on theirs, hard to talk to people even though it's not because i don't/can't talk plenty lmfao.......and re: being Supportive it's like well, i don't really tell people In Person i'm autistic but naturally if you follow me Online here i am talking about it lol, and not like anyone who already knew me & was friends with me was like "oh nvm don't like interacting with you now" and i also gotta mention the like Handshake Lgbtq lifehack, where plenty of times it can be like, oh if we vibe on That wavelength it can be easier to befriend people, and/or that people will at least be more like, amicable / supportive based on Knowing you're handshake on that lol. b/c really it's like, i'd also like to just be allowed to talk and/or simply be around people even if we are not Personal Friends, aka that you can expect to be treated decently with some basic respect / consideration and like you're generally allowed to exist and be present and interact with people where you're not only guaranteed to Not be punished / excluded for it if someone's your individual friend and allows you to be here, so. once again it's like, can allistic ppl be normal for 5 min

#still behind on this naturally lmao but when it's now 1am and i've chosen to do a whole essay #it's like whew time to make dark dinner for now #30daysofautismacceptance #2021

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Are you the type of person who gets straight to the point?: I try my best to explain things but ppl still don’t understand the obvious

What was the last thing you said in complete caps?: not sure what was last

Do you enjoy playing board games?: some

Did you wear anything new today?: pineapple shirt my mom bought for me recently

Do you ever eavesdrop on people’s conversations?: hard not to when they’re so loud

Are you good at playing Hide and Go Seek?: I was because I’m tiny XD

Who or what made you smile last?: my thoughts

What was the last song you had on repeat?: Daisy by Ashnikko :x

Do you often have that song on repeat?: no that was one time only lol I hardly ever have a son on repeat, that happened like 5 times in my entire life, usually after breakup

Silly string or confetti?: fun but too messy and waste of money so none

How long is your favorite song?: about 3.50

What was the highlight of your day today?: it’s complicated

Do you tap your foot when you listen to music?: I tap but mostly due to anxiety ^^”

Would you rather use tape or glue?: tape

Homemade or store bought cards?: store bought

Do you listen to any hip hop?: nah

How about some lyrics?: I'm tired of weakness Tired of my feet of clay I'm tired of days to come I'm tired of yesterday And all the worn out things that I ever said Now it's much too late The words stay in my head (...) I'm tired of Facebook Tired of my failing health I'm tired of everyone And that includes myself Well being alone now It doesn't bother me But not knowing if you are That's been hell you see

Have you ever had a fascination with stickers? slightly

Have you ever seen A Walk To Remember? yeah Did you ever watch Captain Planet? I did Do you think that Uggs are ugly? I love them Have you ever watched That ‘70’s show? meh Do you get along with your sibling’s friends? we don’t know each other Do you have a fashion icon? sorta, not really Do you think that iCarly is annoying? possibly

Have you ever had a really bad haircut? sadly

What are your favorite type of calendars? pocket? Could you spend hours on pinterest? just a couple of minutes Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? I liked that Who were your best friends in high school? K.K. E.E. E.W. Ż.B.

Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? bottom Have you ever had a secret admirer that left you notes? I got a note in elementary, it’s a mystery to this day, I thought that it’s a response from M.N. after I left him one myself but it seemed to be a prank done by girls who’ve been bullying me so I threw that piece of paper angrily at him like it was his fault - I still kinda remember what was written on it, they called me a flower and left a tiny drawing - later, forgot how, I found that note again and I believe I might still have it stored somewhere What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? as a kid I had 1 sleepover (same school in which the note situation happened) my friend P.W. had puppies and I was allowed to stay for the night in her house Do you currently live in the city you grew up in? mhm What’s one way in which you’re behind the times? ex. getting a job What’s one way in which you’re still a child? ex. collecting stuffed animals, lots What’s one way in which you’re old? ex. health issues Do you feel old or young? Or do you feel both at different times? both at different times What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? money? Do you usually forgive when someone hurts your or try to get revenge? neither, I hold grudge and don’t trust the person again, at least for a long time Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? in primary most of them were, in middle school: polish, biology, chemistry and math and in high: russian, english, PE and physics (but I probably shouldn’t count it as we had it for a few months) Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? - What time of day were you born? half past midnight, my mother asked me why I’m so lazy as for someone who was born on Saturday and I responded with - I was sleeping in and was late for Friday What is the best hairstyle you’ve ever had? can’t choose Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? I’m used to my color but I wouldn’t mind dyed hair Do you ever listen to Celtic music? me and John had a phase on that back in the day, I wish I remind the titles... Have you ever wanted to be a model, actress, singer, or dancer? actress When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself? pfft Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? got darker, less red Do you wear matching socks? always but recently I thought about changing that fact Do you have a seashell collection? Do you have a rock collection? small Flamingos or pineapples? both Cacti or seashells? same but it’s harder to take care of cacti than shells haha Maple tree or palm tree? palm, ppl say maple looks like weed - I don’t think this way but that’s annoying, still I’d prefer maple trees irl! Dreamcatcher or wind chimes? wind chimes but not every kind Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? <3

Are you a pyromaniac? Bu is :P Are you a kleptomaniac? wtf Do you like to wear belts? it’s uncomfy and not good for my belly Would you ever get dreadlocks? I could but I won’t Do you listen to Eminem? no way

Does your sibling have a significant other? my sister is married

When and why is the last time you cried (or at least, shed tears)? yesterday?

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? not that I been to many but no

What do your flipflops look like? don’t own any

Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? my cellphone is charging

Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? I wanna go to MET gala, nothing else

Any idea what time you’ll be going to bed tonight? late

Does your significant other like the same colour as you do? she hates my fav colors besides black

Have you ever purchased anything online? obvi

Name all your friends whose name starts with the 4th letter of your first name. ...

Have you ever ridden an elephant? I’d like to (and camel and an ostrich and a horse)

Are you the candle lighting type? am not

Coffee in the morning, yay or nay? nay

Anal sex, yay or nay? hell no

Blue lipstick, yay or nay? okay, whatever

Is this question lame: “Have you had sex?” yep

Have you ever dated someone with really crooked teeth? mine are crooked

Would you rather vacation on the beach, or in the mountains? beach What embarrassing music do you listen to? too embarassed to write down? What’s your biggest talent? talented? me? r u kidding?

If you were a candy bar, what would you be? Milky Way? Would you rather ride in a hot air balloon or hang-glide? air balloon What’s one word you want people to use to describe you? truth is most important, everything else is less

Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? tons of books

Are you more of a visual learner or an auditory learner? I learn best with my hands (kinesthetic) but visual is probably easier than auditory to me

Do you have any dietary restrictions? ugh...

Do you prefer Google Maps, Apple Maps, Waze, or something else? I get lost no matter what

How old does someone have to be for you to see them as an adult? about my age or older

Do you ever ‘manspread’ when you sit down? sorry but I don’t sit like a lady - I sit like a lesbian unless there’s no space for that

When was the last time you were in a crowded place, and where was it? bus this day

Have you ever turned down a job offer? had to

What was the last medical appointment you scheduled? scheduled plenty at once

Have you ever had a dream in which you died? I die often, it’s a common element in my dreams, I’m fine with it by now

Have you ever fallen asleep on public transport? oh well... majority of those times I was able to but once it was an accident and I missed my stop while going to school

Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? almost Have you seen all the Hunger Games films? yasss Why did you last go see a doctor? control visit about my IBS, GERD, food intolerances... Are you more logical or creative? depends

What do you currently hear? parents talking, music - iamamiwhoami; shadowshow

Did you get enough sleep last night? I slept a little over 3 hours and I feel tired Are the streetlights on? it’s not dark yet When you wear a hoodie, do you pull the sleeves over your hands? when it’s warm for that or they bother me in what I’m doing Are you in any advanced classes at school? w moim profilu miałam rozszerzone historię i WOK (wiedza o kulturze) Did you have a good day today? it wasn’t the worst (compared) and hope it won’t turn into complete shit

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 5 years

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(1/2)Like I'm in a relationship but I'm worried I'm falling out if love with the person. Like I had a huge celebrity crush even though I had a bf and after that the spark wasn't there anymore and it makes me feel bad cuz he's done nothing to warrant that and idk why I'm like this. I've heard ppl say that it's normal to feel like u aren't that into ur partner after a while and my friend fights w her bf all the time (even if I don't know how she really feels) it makes me so sad bc if this is the

(2/2) way relationships are always gonna be like, especially for me I don't think I'll ever be happy. Like I'm adhd and used to hyperfixations but I didn't know it's like that w ppl as well. I just feel bad abt not being as into my bf anymore, both for him and me, but I'm also like "is this really as good as it will get" and I've always been that type of person and I'm never satisfied which makes it so hard to achieve happiness cuz I'll never get what I want

Okay there’s a couple of things here that I wanna touch on. I will try to kind of structure it a bit so it hopefully makes more sense because I feel like this’ll become a long reply.Celebrity crushes:I think it’s totally okay to have celebrity crushes while being in a relationship and it’s nothing to feel guilty about. I gave my more detailled opinion on that a couple of weeks ago in this post but to put it simply: just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you suddenly stop being attracted to other people - and being attracted to someone (celebrity or not) isn’t cheating.

”Relationships always end in fighting”:That is not true. I know, this society likes to paint unhappy relationships as normal because we have romanticised toxic behaviour. We (as a society) have normalised jealousy and entitlement to our partner’s every move, thought and emotion.

But the truth is: it is not normal to be fighting with your partner and if your friend was messaging me now about her relationship I would probably tell her to break up with her boyfriend. The reason why people stay in unhappy relationships is dependency (financially and emotionally) and fear of being alone because there’s this idea that romance is the only way in life to achieve true happiness but that’s bollocks!

Get rid of the “it’s normal to have arguments with your partner”-sentiment. You know what should be normal? Having a calm and equal conversation about each other’s needs and if a conflict arises - trying to find a solution together.

Falling out of love versus loss of passion:Falling out of love happens and if that’s the case with you right now then yes, you should break up because it’s only fair to the both of you in that case. But is that really what’s happening here or are you just worried your relationship will “end like they always do” without any proper reason?

Yes, it’s unrealistic to expect that you will always be as passionate about your partner as you were in the beginning. There might even be people you find physically more attractive than your partner. But passion calming down a little isn’t the same as falling out of love. Love is the thing that stays behind after the first crush is gone. Love and passion aren’t interchangable. It’s okay if you personally want or need passion to feel fulfilled but a lack of passion isn’t the same as a lack of love.

Summary (kinda):If your feelings for your partner are gone, so be it. You can’t force them back but you can make life easier for the both of you by dealing with the consequences sooner rather than later. If the love is still there and you want to rekindle the passion then do something about that (first step would be to TALK!!!) but if the love is really gone for you then break up.

Either way I think you should definitly work on figuring out what expectations you have and what you need in a relationship to be happy (in general and from your current partner, should you want to stay with him). And ask yourself if romantic relationships even are your thing at all (aromanticism exists!) or ask yourself if monogamy is your thing at all (polyamory exists as well!).

And if there’s any underlying reasons for you thinking that relationships always end in fighting then you should work through that (in therapy maybe?) because that definitly shouldn’t be how relationships go and if you keep going through life thinking that’s normal then you’ll end up in unhealthy and unhappy relationships thinking it’s normal when it’s anything but!

People are capable of having loving long-term relationships without fighting. It is possible to be happy with a partner. The thing is though that you shouldn’t need a relationship at all to be happy. Your life is more than just romance. If you think you’ll never be happy in a relationship because there might always be someone better out there - maybe you should start working on being happy on your own first.

Maddie

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sugaabooga · 6 years

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barista!Kang Daniel

Pairing: Kang Daniel x Reader

Genre: fluff, barista!Kang Daniel (sorta), bulletpoint-scenario

Summary/Extra: barista daniel but it’s kinda off track at times lool. Plz enjoy thooo

(actually wrote this bc i felt bad for writing ending 1 for regret so badly. accept my heart lol)

You started a cafe after graduating barista(?)uni

You employed a past classmate named Ong Seongwoo

You remembered him as Kang Daniel’s friend

Kang Daniel…..

wow

He was a mess

You were partnered up with him a couple of times in high school for projects and such but then WOWZERS

You see him at your uni

You don’t know how that happened since you actually moved out of town to go to the barista college, but you guess Daniel wanted to go there too

Small world

You hated Daniel bc he basically ruined your life

He would always somehow mess up your experiments whenever he was your partner

But for some reason all your teachers partnered the two of you together?????

Anyways

when you opened up your own coffee shop and hired Seongwoo, he had brought Daniel along with him

Daniel was employed at this other shop but he decided to quit since they weren’t paying him that well even if he had a barista license and all

With no choice you hired Daniel to work at your place

Tbh his coffee was amazing

Not too bitter and not too bland

It was perfect

He attracts way more customers than barista!Seongwoo

He has good skills and good looks

Who can say no to that?

He also looked

HAWT

When making coffee

Rolled up sleeves

With the brown apron around his waist

And when he’s focusing on a really hard recipe or something and all you can see in his eyes is determination

Especially when he’s creating a new recipe

OH GOSH

KILL ME NOW

The problem was that he was really clumsy

He broke the machines at least twice a week

Like how is that even possible!?

After the fifth time he broke it the last month, you decided to take the maintenance expenses from his salary

But that didn’t really do anything

About a week ago, you spent an hour putting up ornaments on the ceiling by the window

Daniel comes in for his shift and he’s always easily amazed by things and he touches the ornaments hanging down

You shout in surprise “WAIT! THE STRINGS ARE REALLY-”

Then the strings holding up the ornaments snap and they end up on the floor as shattered glass pieces

So much for that hour

He always says he’ll be more careful, but it’s always the same

Tsk tsk

You can’t really hate him tho bc he’s always so nice to you in general

And he won’t

STOP

APOLOGIZING

Anyway

You thought Daniel would fail in working

But you found out that he actually work really hard and manages to have a smile on his face whenever taking orders, serving ppl, and just everywhere/everything he does

You sorta kinda TOTALLY fell in love w/him and his personality

Even when his shift ends, he stays an extra two or three hours just helping you out bc he’s supposed to leave right before rush time

And he doesn’t want you and Seongwoo to be suffering from the impatient customers

So he stays extra but he ends up staying until closing time and helps you clean and close up the store

an angel i swear

Then he walks you home

SQUEEE

You always tell him to go home since it was always almost midnight and his shift starts at 6am

But he stays stubborn and insists he walks you home since it’s dangerous

Aww

And when you get home, he smiles his gummy smile, his eyes disappearing

“Good night, Y/N! Sweet dreams!”

Like girl how are you NOT head over heels for him yet

And you also noticed he stays in front of your house until some of your lights go on, knowing you’re safe inside

Do ppl do that??

I can’t he’s so sweet

He actually tries to walk you to the shop in the morning, but he just can’t wake up no matter how hard he tries lol

So he always beats himself up about his sleeping habits, but it’s all good

You wouldn’t want him to be falling asleep while handling hot coffee anyway

The day your small crush on him just shoots upwards is the day when your ex comes into the shop

You were at the register bc Daniel was packing up his stuff to get ready to go home (even if he was gonna stay till closing) and Seongwoo was running late as usual

Then in comes Minhyuk your ex-bf who cheated on you a few months back

You felt like you couldn’t function bc you realized Minhyuk was sort of a creep

thank goodness you found out about his true self b4 it went too far

He came at the time when there were no customers

and wow lucky you

No one else to be taking the register either

“Hey, Y/N…..What’s up?”

He does a sly grin and you feel like throwing up

Minhyuk notices it’s just you and him in the shop, so he uses that to his advantage

When Daniel hears “Get away from me!” from the employee room

He drops down his backpack and rushes out to see a guy, on the “employees only” side, seeming to harass you

And oh hoho

He ain’t having none of that

Daniel roughly pushes Minhyuk away from you and throws a punch at his jaw

You run up behind Daniel and pull him away b4 he gets too agitated bc Seongwoo once told you how Daniel shouldn’t be messed with and when he gets mad….HE GETS MAAAADDD

Daniel immediately calms down and turns around to ask if you’re okay while grabbing your shoulders, looking at your arms and face

You assure him like ten times that you’re okay and he turns back to Minhyuk and gives him the scariest glare that gives you chills

Daniel’s voice goes like twenty octaves deeper when telling him to get lost and never show up in front of you again

After that incident, you never saw Minhyuk again and you cannot stop staring how angelic Daniel is

So charismatic *squeals*

He likes you too, if you didn’t notice, and he accidentally confesses to you while cooing at some mistake you did

“OMG Y/N. This is why I love you so much!”

“....”

“....did I say that outloud?”

You start dating and it’s so cute

During your short breaks, Daniel whips up a latte and draws all these cute hearts on it since he’s really good at latte art AND making lattes

Daniel doesn’t even pack up anymore and works for the whole entire day

Getting more love AND more money

You should’ve given him that raise earlier

Girl what are you doing

Seongwoo always third-wheels now

“HOW DOES IT FEEL ONG? THAT WAS ME YA KNOW”

“SHUT UP, Y/N. CAN’T YOU TELL HOW BETRAYED I FEEL BY BOTH OF YOU!? DON’T TALK TO ME ANYMORE!��

drama queen!seongwoo plz

When you’re struggling to reach something in the upper cabinets Daniel always comes up behind you and gets it for you, making you blush

One time Seongwoo does it to you, as a prank, instead of Daniel and you freaak

Bc instead of Daniel’s cute smirk it’s Ong’s meme face looking down at you

But now Seongwoo doesn’t do those types of pranks bc Daniel lowkey highkey gets jealous

Did i mention Daniel smells like coffee?

I love the smell of coffee

When he wraps you in a bear hug b4 sending you in your home, a whiff of coffee hits you

Sometimes you wonder if he wears coffee scented perfume bc it’s oddly really strong

it’s weird bc Daniel actually doesn’t enjoy coffee and he drinks it like once a year

....

It shall remain a mystery

when guys kiss, he tastes like coffee

lol

and when walking you back home, you wear his sweaters

AND BOY OH BOY I WANNA WEAR HIS SWEATERS

I think this is pretty much it

I apologize for writing crap aka ending 1 for regret

So accept this instead aha

Hopefully

this

was

good and enjoyable

Byeee happy thanksgivinggggggggggggggggggg

#wanna one #wanna one scenarios #kang daniel #kang daniel scenarios #bulletpoint scenario #kang daniel fluff #happy thanksgiving everyone #thankful for all my followers:))#wanna one au #kang daniel au #barista!au #barista!kang daniel

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karmas · 6 years

Note

it's just rly hard for me to understand the mindset behind someone who says, "i hate everything abt xyz bc so-and-so r in it" but it's super tiring bc like... yo not everything you like is all gr8 & full of ppl who do the right things all the time. so it's disheartening to love hp, even tho i don't rlly like jk rowling anymore. i'm still gna reblog hp stuff bc i love it!! but how do you feel abt issues such as supporting content that is made by problematic ppl, or if they r in it (e.g. w. allen)

i agree with you. i think something that people easily forget is the fact that everything in this world is touched by something we hate. we cannot buy most shoes, clothes, phones, etc without somehow feeding into the “success” of sweat shops and labor abuse that make them. it’s near impossible to live a life that doesn’t indirectly influence bad people or bad practices.

one of the tags i saw someone make when reblogging the text post i made was that, if i were to pay to see fbtcog i’d be monetarily supporting johnny depp & this project that he’s in, despite the fact that i said i don’t support him, and i have to draw the line somewhere. i never said i was watching the movie in theaters - i was only saying that my blog would contain fbtcog content. but a lot of times it seems people feel so righteous in their hatred for something that they jump to conclusions and easily mislabel anyone as a supporter.

anyways, my point is, yes, not everything you like is full of great people all the time. you shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed for liking a sort of content / media that contains a problematic actor. there’s a toxic mindset spreading that if you, say, like fantastic beasts, you’re condoning johnny’s actions. but this is not true. you can still enjoy something even if you dislike some element of it. it’s honestly appalling that people assume someone supports abuse because of a “reason” as thin as this.

paying to see fb isn’t a bad thing - there’s other actors and actresses and film crew you’re “supporting” through it. one bad egg doesn’t ruin the bunch. if someone chooses to boycott a show or movie or whatever for some reason, more power to them. but when they cross the line and hate or attack others for not opposing the problematic thing the same way they are, then it becomes an issue. you’re only succeeding in pushing people away and filling them with ill will, not “recruiting” them to your cause.

in actuality, being able to like something but still criticize it analytically is a mindset more people need. this idea of blind hatred is dumb. just stay woke and inform others of the issue, and encourage people to speak out against it, and other ways you can find to express disapproval for the problematic element. just be aware that the entertainment industry (and others) has shady people in it, but it doesn’t mean you need to be removed from it (this applies to your question about woody allen films). just proceed at your own risk.

i’m not here to tell people what to do, or preach to them like i’m a patron saint of ethics. just try not to let people shame you into doing something. at the end of the day it’s what you choose to do and not what you tell others (or others telling you) what to do. so see the movie. reblog the gifs. you are not trash or “tainted” because of it, and neither is that piece of media. this is the real world, and you are so much more than the content you consume.

tl;dr you can still enjoy watching movies / films whatnot even if you don’t support someone who is a part of it - it doesn’t make you a bad person or a supporter of bad things, and don’t let people shame you into doing something. enjoy what you enjoy. just stay woke and make informed choices and you’ll be fine.

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castiemrys · 4 years

Text

feeling really overwhelmed these days

school is driving me up the wall with constant stress, several assignments at once and with being sensory overload HELL. i'm supposed to start my final project next week but i haven't even had the brain power to come up with an idea yet and it's stressing me out really bad esp since we have this stupid fucking ongoing group project i'm already freaking out about having to do

i'm so sick of walking in the slippery snow and even though i hate the bus, having to walk 4km in the snow on my work days fucking sucks. i want to buy a car as soon as i can afford it but then i feel guilty about it bc the world is pretty much close to ending and that’s a whole entire Anxiety Subject that i feel helpless about even though yeah individuals do have an impact when they add up but i just... i get so angry at the injustice, some rich fuckers having a million times bigger carbon footprint than i do but yet i’m supposed to feel bad about wanting my life to be a little bit easier. and i do feel bad.

my depression and anxiety are being somewhat kept at bay w anti-depressants but not enough. body dysmorphia's kicking my ass and i constantly feel so fucking ugly. and then i just get so jealous of people who look good and feel good about themselves and then i feel ugly on the inside for feeling like that. and i just want some time to myself to relax and self reflect and sort out my thoughts, maybe draw something for myself for once but school and work and winter have got me so worn out that when i have free time i don’t have any energy to do any of that.

then i also have this constant anxiety about being worthless or people just not caring enough about me and it's been nagging at me especially lately and it's just not getting any better. logically i know ppl care but i guess i just wish they'd show it more? or that i wasn't such a lonely piece of crap that needs constant validation, it feels pathetic and i hate that but i just hate feeling like i play such an insignificant role in people’s lives, i hate feeling like i need to beg some people to just remember my existence bc they never stay in touch. and i hate bitching about it bc it comes off as entitled but it shouldn’t be weird to want your friends to check in on you once in a while right?? i don’t want to always have to make the first move but at the same time i’ve got major abandonment issues so i’m scared if i just leave the ball in their court forever our friendship will just fade away into nothing.

but then i always have this major like.. martyr syndrome i guess?? which is probably tied to my loneliness and this need to love people and be loved in return and my stupid self worth being pretty much exclusively defined by how much i can do for other people lol. i downplay my own issues cause i know other people in my life have or have had it worse, or if i don’t know i just assume they do, so i’m always on the clock ready to be there for people and help out while neglecting the fact that i need people to be there for me too sometimes, cause self worth issues again lmao, “don’t be a burden” and all that classic jazz. like people can hmu if they want, let me know if something suits them etc, i’ll wait an entire day for someone to contact me about a plan we made instead of pushing, i give people space when they want it even when i desperately need someone to be there for me. and i know i have to kick my ass to therapy and work on my self esteem bc it shouldn’t feel so gross and selfish to want to feel like you matter to people but it does!! and while i don’t want to die and i don’t hate everything about my life i just wish i was someone else or that my life had been different or that my body didn’t feel like it’s constantly betraying me. like fuck that i can’t win with that shit, i can’t be a cis guy and then when i finally get hormones and top surgery and my dysphoria gets a little easier i still can’t lose weight and even when i finally have facial hair like i wanted, my hair starts thinning and i’ve had two friends point it out at separate parties now and i fucking hate it so much and i just want it to stop, and i know it’s stupid and for all the body positivity i preach i sure don’t feel it about myself but like. my hair was something i had control over and could style and color like i wanted but now i have less control and less means to soothe my body dysmorphia and sometimes i just feel so angry and so ugly i want to cry about just even existing at all.

anyway i should shut the fuck up i don’t even know why i’m writing this, i just feel terrible and stuck in my life even though i know it’ll get better soon it just feels like such a long wait. i know i’ll be less stressed as soon as school’s over in may and i’ll stop being broke but riding out the storm is hard when you already feel like you’re drowning

0 notes

fakedself · 7 years

Note

'note', just fuck me up man

we’ve been way too out of touch / open.

to laine misota -

hey it’s me, ya boy. god i’ve never been good at writing these things, so i hope you’re good at reading between the lines. if you’re reading this right now, congrats, i died and i deemed our friendship level high enough for me to write a note to you. so. i died. hooray.

i mean, from your perspective, probably not hooray? like i don’t doubt you’re probably crying right now so i’m here to say to you: no. stop that. you never looked good when you cried. and like, sad isn’t BAD per say bc it just means you’re a human and you have EMOTIONS and that’s good and crying definitely helps you but you shouldn’t be sad about me and my death! i’m in a better place than i was

i want you to have the house. take care of it and shit. my parents are barely home and if i’m lucky, they’ll pop in to give me extra money or whatever. take care of it and shit

i want you to know that i really, really cared about you. you were like a sister to me, y’know? you WERE a sister to me. i know you’re like, forever in my debt bc i taught you a bunch of things but anyone could’ve taught you how to clean and cook. you taught me how to be compassionate and patient and kind and not everyone can teach ppl (especially ppl like me) something like that. thank you so much for teaching me how to be friendly and just generally putting up with me

and i KNOW you’re gonna say some shit like ‘oh you’re not hard to put up with’ but like, face the facts tbh i’m an ASSHOLE and i’m rlly glad u stayed w/ me long enough to realize that i’m not JUST an asshole. you stayed with me and worked hard enough for me to let you in and i can’t thank you enough for that. you’re an incredible person and you mean the entire world to me. i wish i could give you the life you deserve

remember that i love you and that i’m so, so proud of you. for existing, for waking up, for managing to live through everything. you’re the best. please don’t cry over me.

sincerely,

me.

#magicmirrored #hey FUCK this #death /

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thepatricktreestump · 7 years

Text

Temptation: a Josh Dun fanfic

Y/N: Okay this anon ask is hot as fuck honestly. Probably will be one of the smuttiest things I’ve written on here yet. It was asked to be in josh’s perspective with a female reader so yeah… I’m sort of skeptical of posting this just cause some ppl might think it’s disrespectful or not right or whatever but the prompt is hella amazing and I can’t help myself. If you don’t wanna read it, then don’t read it, but pls don’t come at me with hate because I wrote something super scandalous compared to most of my shit. So here it is xoxo (get ready for some steamy, spicy, sexy smut!)

(1/2) Anonymous said: one where Josh and Y/N are roommates and she's always very flirty and barely wearing anything around the house and gets him so turned on and hes always having to take cold showers and has dirty dreams about her but then they have rough sex? (2/2) Anonymous said: About the roommates with josh request can it also be from Josh's pov?

*josh pov, female reader, lots of smut

To say that y/n is hot is an understatement. She’s drop dead gorgeous. And yeah, I know that probably sounds like an overstatement, but it’s not. Not at all. Ever since I moved in with her and we started sharing an apartment, she hasn’t left my mind. She has these amazing eyes and this sly smile and her body, holy shit, her body is better than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it, especially with the way she barely even wears anything around the house. It’s sort of like she’s almost asking for it, but I’ve decided by now it’s just her sense of style. She likes to wear as little as possible and still claim it as an outfit. And when she wears lingerie, fuck, I can’t help but just fall apart. So yes, I guess you could say I’d definitely want to fuck her.

The first few days we spent as roommates were pure torture. Mostly because I told myself I shouldn’t fall for her tricks. I thought she was trying to get me to make a move or something, or just plain tease me, but I told myself I was supposed to be respectful and know my place. It started out with me coming home and watching her cook dinner. She’d wear this skimpy little crop top and super short tight shorts, hair up in a ponytail, swaying her hips as she walked about the kitchen, licking her lips after she taste tested the food, sucking her fingers from the cake batter after baking, almost everything she did just for my own amusement. Especially when we ate dinner. She’d always stare at me with these eyes, biting her lip and acting all innocent, occasionally letting her bra strap fall off her shoulder and act like it didn’t even happen. It was all these small little things that got to me. I tried to ignore it, tried to just tell myself she was oblivious to how attractive she was, tried to convince myself that I was the one making all of this up. But it was the course of events that happened over the following couple of days that really fucked me up. Literally.

It was late evening and when I walked into the kitchen, of course, she was there at the table, scrolling through her phone and eating a cupcake. “Hey Josh,” she smiled slyly. “You back from dinner?” Tyler had invited me to go eat with him and Jenna that night and I took him up on the offer.

“Yeah,” I answered nervously, trying to peel my eyes away from her chest. She was wearing nothing but a lacy bra and this miniskirt. That must’ve been what was in the Victoria’s Secret bag I found lying on the couch this morning. Shit, she looked so good. I watched in a daze as she skimmed the frosting of the cupcake with her finger before sucking it off slowly and then pulling the finger from her mouth.

“I thought you were going to eat dinner with me,” she sighed, a tone of disappointment in her voice. I stiffened. It wasn’t like we planned to have dinner tonight or anything, but I still felt a pang of guilt. I also felt myself start to grow hard and I curse myself, and her, in my head.

“I’m sorry,” I swallowed uncomfortably. “I uh, I planned on having dinner with Tyler and Jenna tonight.”

“Mmm I see,” she nodded slowly. “You spend quite a lot of time with him. Tyler.” When she says his name I tense up, and I don’t know why I should be jealous that she even knows his name, but I am. This girl always makes me feel emotions I can’t quite explain. I hate it. I love her.

“He’s my best friend,” I explained, trying to stay calm but it’s sort of impossible when she bites her lower lip and looks at me that way, shifting in her seat so that the lace over her breasts move ever so slightly that it exposes just another inch of skin. I was really getting heated now.

“Friend,” she repeated the word slowly, glancing down at the bulge in my pants before flickering her gaze back up towards me.

“Yeah,” I tried my best to keep my expression neutral. “Tyler’s a friend.”

“Did your friend do that to you? Hmm?” she raised an eyebrow.

“What?” my face turned red. “No, he didn’t.”

“Did his wife?” she smirked and I instantly clench my fist, angry she would even think I’d do something like that.

“No,” I instantly retort. “I’d never do that to Tyler.”

“So if it wasn’t Tyler, and it wasn’t Jenna…” she gave a small chuckle. “It must’ve been me.”

“Must’ve been,” I muttered. “Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to start, but I’m going to bed. Okay?”

“Going to bed?” she frowned. “Aren’t you going to take care of that first, maybe?”

“That’s my own business,” I narrowed my eyes, agitated beyond measure by now.

“Well then that’s a shame,” she sighed. “I was looking forward to maybe helping you.”

“Hmm?” I raised my eyebrows, doing a double take.

“You heard what I said,” she insisted, pushing out her chair and walking over towards me, getting on her knees. I tensed up, staring down at her, watching how she looked up at me, those eyes boring into mine. “I know you want to.”

“W-what are you doing?” I stammered out, trying to stay cool but she put both of her hands on my hips, tugging me closer to her. I was getting super hard now. Shit.

“You know exactly what I’m doing, Josh,” she smirked, taking a hand off of my hip to delicately stroke my member from underneath the fabric of my pants. “Mmm you’re so hard for me, aren’t you?” I bit my lower lip, trying to suppress a moan from escaping my mouth, and I was prepared for her to touch me again when instead her hands left my body and she got back up, dusting off her miniskirt and studying the expression on my face for a second before walking away.

“Where are you going?” I wondered, watching as she swayed her hips back and forth as she walked to the table, picking up her cupcake and starting to head out of the room.

“To my bedroom,” she responded. “It’s getting late you know.”

Before I could respond she was gone, and I was left in the kitchen with a fucking boner and head full of confusion. Did she really just tease me that bad? And I let her get away with it? Fuck y/n. I closed my eyes tight, starting to contemplate whether that actually just happened, and then decided to go to bed where I’d take care of the problem myself. I slip off my t-shirt, slide off my pants, go to shut the door, then climb in bed, tugging down my boxers and getting to work. Damn, the things she does to me. I’m imaging her body, her lips, the way her hands grazed my cock just moments earlier, those eyes staring at me, her seductive voice, everything about her is so-

The door swings open and my eyes widen, I’m sitting up instantly, almost forgetting the fact that I’m completely fucking nude, when she’s standing there, lacy bra, miniskirt, half eaten cupcake and all, staring at me. “I was going to take care of the problem, but it looks like you beat me to it,” she shrugged, eyeing me up and down before strutting off, not even bothering to close the door behind her.

“Wait-” I started to call for her but it was too late. She was gone.

The next morning when I wake up, I feel sore all over. I don’t know whether it was out of sexual frustration or just plain being aroused, but I must’ve fucked myself so hard last night. Especially after she made a surprise reappearance for a split second, catching me red handed as I’m moaning out her name, jacking off, completely naked. Probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I’m not even usually one to do that, hell, I’ve never even really done that before but I couldn’t help it and last night with her hands on my body and her eyes looking at mine, I just couldn’t help it. I stumble out of bed and slip on some underwear, running a hand through my messy bright yellow hair before going into the living room, sitting on the sofa and pulling out my phone.

I’m scrolling through my timeline when she enters the room, and she’s literally wearing nothing but a baggy t-shirt. She’s wearing the most and the least clothes I’ve ever seen her wear around the house so far. Most because the t-shirt goes from barely above her tits all the way down to below her ass, and it’s probably the first time she’s ever covered her stomach while around the house. Least because while although it covers most of her, it’s still apparent that it’s the only article of clothing she’s decided to wear today. “Do you know where the remote is?” she wondered softly, yawning and stretching her arms up, pulling the fabric up with her movement and I’m trying not to pay attention to the way it inches up her skin and I can see those gorgeous curves, so I focus on her face but she’s got her mouth formed in that perfect open O and I think I’m getting a hard on again when I shake my head, try to swallow down my emotions, watch as she raises her eyebrows, staring at me.

“I don’t remember,” I replied.

“Maybe I should look for it,” she thought aloud, walking over to me and I’m about to move but she shakes her head. “You’re fine just where you are.”

“Oh, uh, okay,” I decided, trying to keep eye contact with my phone screen as she bent down right beside me, sticking her hand in between the couch cushions and sticking her ass right in the air, not the slightest look of concern on her face as the fabric shifted up and exposed her entire bum. She only bent down even lower, and my eyes couldn’t help but be glued to the sight before she stood back up again, fabric of the baggy t-shirt falling down to cover her skin again as she clutched the television remote in her hand.

“Found it,” she smiled, spinning around and turning on the television before sauntering off into the kitchen. She makes a cup of coffee and then sits on the couch next to me, a little distance away, and I’m still scrolling through my phone but I notice the way her shirt sags down and I’m trying to calculate how long it’s going to be before the fabric moves down even further when she sighs, downing the cup of coffee and clicking off the television.

“What are you doing today?” she wondered.

“Going to the studio,” I responded nonchalantly, keeping my eyes glued to my phone.

“Ah, are you going to be busy?” she inquired.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“You must be working,” she murmured. “Drumming, right?”

“That’s what I do,” I verified.

“I love watching drummers,” y/n sighed. “They’re just so good at pounding on those drums. They do it so fast and hard, you know?”

“I guess…” my voice trailed off, my mind slowly wandering off at her words.

“Fast and hard,” she repeated slowly, letting out a low hum. “Tell me Josh, do you get all sweaty after a show? So hot and exhausted after a big performance? Absolutely worn out and spent?”

“Kind of,” I grew uncomfortable with her questions, slowly staring to be suspicious of these suggestive drumming metaphors.

“I see,” she drew out the words slowly. “Well, have fun in the studio with your friend Tyler.”

“Will do,” I replied uncomfortably. However, when I arrived at the studio, I didn’t have much fun at all. In fact, I could not get y/n out of my mind. Her voice, her words, her body, everything about her, it was just spinning around in my brain and I couldn’t concentrate. Hours passed, her words still stuck in my mind, and it was already late when Tyler decided to finally say something.

“You okay?” Tyler asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look like it,” he frowned, pulling his hands away from the keyboard and walking over to where I was sitting by the drum kit. “Dude, you haven’t been able to play a single rhythm correctly all day. That’s not like you. What’s up?”

“I don’t know,” I looked down, nervously twirling the drumsticks in my hands. “I just uh, I kind of have someone on my mind.”

“Me?” he gave a sly smile.

“No,” I laughed, but it quickly faded away. “Uh, it’s this girl.”

“A girl?” he raised his eyebrows. “Sick!”

“Not sick,” I shook my head. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Tyler reassured. “It means you’re head over heels.”

“I’m not sure I want to be though,” I sighed.

“Why? Is she a stripper or something?” he joked.

“To be completely honest, I wouldn’t be surprised,” I admitted. “Especially with the kinds of clothes she wears.”

“Woah! Who’s this girl you’re talking about?” he asked.

“Just my roommate,” I shrugged. “She’s a total flirt though, and she rubs it in all the time. She’s smoking hot, and I can’t stop thinking about her. Last night uh…” I decide not to tell him, rather, let my voice drift off.

“You should make a move then,” Tyler nudged my foot.

“She usually does,” I explained. “But she’s super confusing.”

“How so?” he wondered.

“She just says stuff and then does stuff and then acts like it never happened,” I groaned, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what to think of it.”

“What kind of stuff?” he inquired, but I just took a deep breath.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“It’s okay,” Tyler reassured. “Just uh, if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here. Got it?”

“Yeah,” I gave a half smile.

“Now come on,” he laughed. “Let’s not get some silly girl get in the way of your legendary drum skills.”

When I’m driving home, I’m thinking about what Tyler said. How he told me I should make the first move. How he told me I shouldn’t let her get in the way. She’s just some silly girl, right? However, some silly girl would be the last thing I would ever use to describe what I found when I entered the apartment that night. As soon as I entered, I heard a collections of soft moans, and I was about to head right back out the door, well, that was, until I heard my own name. “Joshua?” she whispered, the way her voice echoed throughout the walls making me shiver, how she said my name making me bite my lip, the pronunciation so soft and sweet I was already getting heated. “Baby, is that you?”

“Y/n?” I decided against opening up the door and instead turning around, watching as she appeared in the doorway that led to the bedrooms, naked head to toe. My eyes grew wide and my clothes felt restricting, and so I took a deep breath, examining every inch of her skin. I had never seen her this exposed in all my life. She smirked at my reaction, leaning against the wall, tracing her fingers from her thigh up to her side deliberately slow.

“It’s growing a little hot in here, don’t you think?” she murmured, eyes staring into mine.

“D-do you want me to um, to turn down the thermostat?” I wondered, gaze still fixed on her body. Fuck she looked so good. I tugged at my shirt collar, swallowing uncomfortably as she began walking towards me, that gorgeous body coming closer and closer.

“No, don’t go out of your way to do that,” she shook her head. Y/n reached forward to touch the fabric of my shirt, running a hand down my chest before stopping at the last button of my shirt, unbuttoning the fabric carefully. I inhaled a sharp breath, watching cautiously as she made her way higher, and naturally, my hands came to rest on her hips, gaining a soft grip on her sides, my thumbs brushing against the skin of her stomach lightly. She was so beautiful.

“What are you doing?” I wondered aloud.

“Helping you,” she mumbled, eyes flickering up to meet mine for a split second before unbuttoning my entire shirt, slipping it off of my body and then lightly grazing the skin of my chest with her fingernails, dragging them down from my pecs to my abs and even lower, resting on the waistband of my shorts for only a fragment of a second before she stepped back. “Anyways, I have something I need to finish. Goodnight, Josh.”

“G-goodnight,” I responded, extremely confused as she turned around, her bare ass swaying side to side as she walked back to the bedroom, shutting and locking the door, only several moments passing before I heard a creak of the dip in the mattress, and then the collection of soft moans and sighs continued. I shook my head, trying to get her out of my mind as I traveled through the kitchen in attempts to find a small snack. Whatever the fuck had been going on these past few days was crazy.

That’s when I heard the noises get louder and I can’t take it anymore. I start to think maybe there’s someone in there with her. Was she banging some other dude? I was about to knock on the door when I realize I shouldn’t. Why should I even care? It’s not like we’re dating or anything. We’re just roommates. Hell, she could have a boyfriend for all I know, a husband even. Honestly, as mysterious as y/n sometimes was, I wouldn’t be surprised. We were just roommates, right? I heard her let out a loud moan again and my breath got caught in my throat and I just couldn’t help it. I found myself tiptoeing down the hall to her room, my breathing shallow, my ear pressed against the door- what the hell am I doing? I backed away quickly in realization when her breathy gasps come to a stop and she calls out my name again. “Josh?” she murmured. “Is that you?” I could practically envision the smirk on her face by now.

“Yeah,” I responded sheepishly. “You alone in there?”

“Sadly,” she sighed. “Unless you’d like to join me.”

“I um…” I shut my eyes tight. No, this was wrong, this was wrong, this was very wrong. I shouldn’t even be contemplating her offer. “I don’t think so.”

“Come on,” she tempted, and I could only imagine what she was doing behind that locked door. “Just the two of us. We don’t even have to tell anyone. Not even Tyler.”

“Y/n-” I raised my voice, the thought of her even thinking about Tyler making me angry. He was my friend and my band mate. She wasn’t even supposed to know his name, much less talk about him in this kind of situation. I could feel the redness of my cheeks increase as she let out a soft gasp.

“I know you want to,” she whispered and I shook my head, taking a step back from the door.

“I shouldn’t,” I argued. “I uh, I think I’m going to get some sleep.”

“Sleep…” she drew out the word nice and slow. “Right.”

“Yeah,” I stated more forcefully.

“Sweet dreams,” she dismissed me, and I took another step away from the door, reevaluating my decision before finally just leaving. When I’m underneath the sheets though, I can’t stop thinking about her. She was probably touching herself behind that locked door, the way she was moaning and sighing and gasping, how she said my name, how she fucking invited me to join her… I had to stop thinking about her so much. It was unhealthy. She was just some silly girl, like Tyler said. Nothing more and nothing less.

When I wake up though, I’m covered in sweat, overheated, suffocating in blankets. It was just a dream. One hell of a dream though. I still remember every moment, every dirty detail, every single movement of her body against mine. I shudder underneath my sheets, throwing them off of me and trying to get that dream out of my head. I’m imagining everything all over again, how I was fucking her in my sleep, her gorgeous body underneath mine. I shook my head, forced myself to get her out of my mind, wiped the sweat off of my forehead and grabbed my clothes. It was super late. I must’ve slept through my alarm. I checked my phone and realized Tyler had been trying to get ahold of me all day. I groaned before calling him back, sleepily walking through the house to the bathroom. There were several rings before he finally picked up. “Hey Josh, you okay?” he wondered. “I called you like a gazillion times!”

“You called me eighteen times,” I narrowed my eyes. “And yeah, I’m fine. I just uh, slept in I guess.”

“Okay,” Tyler sighed. “Is it fine if I stop by? I’ve got some tacos and song ideas.”

“Two of the best things in the world,” I laughed. “Yeah, give me half an hour? I’ve got to take a shower.”

“Yeah no problem,” Tyler reassured. He hung up and I took a deep breath, starting up the water and stripping down, tossing my clothes on the bathroom counter, sliding the shower curtain past and getting underneath the downpour, closing my eyes and tilting my head up, humming softly. Maybe this is what I needed, just some alone time, something to clear my head. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging softly, the water rushing past my body and my mind began to become tempted with thoughts of her again. Flashbacks of my dream flashed through my mind, her little gasps and moans all because of me, my hands all over her body, being able to have her so close. I can’t help but slip one of my hands down my chest, lower, and lower, letting out a low moan. I’m so lost in what I’m doing I don’t even realize the door creak open, or the footsteps and rustle of clothing being shed, or the shower curtain be pushed to the side. It was far too late by the time I opened my eyes, alert and startled by the arms wrapping around my waist and the lips by my ear.

“Let me take care of that, baby,” the familiar voice whispered, turning me around to face her, both of us naked and alone together in the shower, and I’m starting to wonder how the fuck she even got here when she pulls me close, kissing my lips and I melt into her touch.

“God I’ve wanted that for so long,” I murmured against her neck, working my lips down her skin. Y/n’s running her hands down my chest, and I’m holding her in my arms, touching her all over, listening to those beautiful sounds escaping her mouth.

“Oh Josh,” she gasped my name as I moved my lips lower and her fingernails dug into my shoulder blades just right, making a small smile tug at the sides of my lips. I’m kissing her over and over and over again, trying to get all of her all at once, and I can barely understand how I’ve managed to go so long without this. She feels so damn good I can hardly believe it.

“Please tell me this isn’t another dream,” I mumbled, brushing her hair out of her face and staring into those gorgeous eyes. The steam of the shower created little droplets of water on her eyelashes and her body was pressed up so close to mine and her lips were so soft and sweet and everything about her was too much all at once and I loved it. “Another dream?” she raised an eyebrow with a sly smile.

“Long story,” I rolled my eyes, pressing my lips to her forehead. “Just answer the question, babe.”

“It’s not a dream,” y/n replied, cupping my cheek with her hand and capturing me in another kiss. “You left the door open.”

“So this is real?” I smirked, unable to get my eyes off of her.

“Very real,” she answered slowly. “Although I’m afraid it might be time for me to go.”

“Don’t leave-” I grabbed her hips as she tried to take a step back but she shook her head and I let my hands fall to my hips, tilting my head slightly in confusion as she sighed, tugging back the shower curtain and stepping out, my head peeking into the bathroom and watching carefully as she wrapped a towel around her body.

“Someone’s at the door,” she explained. She flickered her gaze to my waist back up to my eyes and grinned. “You might want to get ready for company soon.”

“Shit,” I tried to catch my breath. “Look, you’ve got to put on some clothes or something. You can’t open the door for Tyler in a towel like that.”

“Tyler, is that who it is? Hmm?” she raised her eyebrows. I swallowed uncomfortably at how she stated his name and I caught a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “Interesting.”

“Y/n really,” I argued. “I’ll get dressed real quick and open the door, you go uh… go.”

“Go where?” she inquired innocently. “Why can’t I greet our special guest?”

“Just, um, fuck…” I ran a hand through my hair, realizing the shower was still running and I was still naked and she was still standing there and Tyler was still knocking on the door. “You know what, just forget it. I’ll deal with it.”

“Suit yourself,” she shrugged, strutting out of the bathroom and not caring to close the door, leaving me there to absorb all that had happened and somehow screw my head back on the right way, scrambling to put on my clothes and dry myself off mostly before racing to the door to open it up for Tyler. I was probably hallucinating. There’s no way that just happened. Instead, I shake those silly thoughts out of my head and open the door, Tyler’s contagious smile getting the best of me.

“There he is!” Tyler laughed, greeting me with a hug. “Ugh, man, you’re still all wet from your shower.”

“I’m sure he is,” a soft voice chuckled suggestively. This made Tyler push back the door even more, craning his neck and eyes widening at the sight of y/n. I looked back and ended up widening my eyes too when I saw what she was wearing. She was dead ass standing in the middle of the living room wearing nothing but dark crimson red lingerie barely stretching over her body, lipstick to match perfectly, hair cascading down her shoulders, devilish grin and a naughty look in her eye.

“So she must be the stripper,” Tyler whispered in my ear jokingly.

“Shut up dude,” I narrowed my eyes at him, feeling my cheeks turn red. What the hell would possess her to wear such a thing with company over?

“Well don’t just stand in the doorway,” she sighed. “Why don’t you take a seat, Tyler?”

“I don’t mind if I do,” he smiled smugly, marching in and sitting down on the sofa comfortably, bag of Taco Bell in his hand, notebook in the other. “Who must this um, lovely lady might be?” I could catch the sarcasm in his voice, but obviously, y/n did not. Hell, she probably thought he was egging her on. In a strange twisted way, I guess he was.

“Y/n,” she introduced. “And you must be Tyler I assume.”

“Oh, so you’ve heard about me?” he raised an eyebrow. “Did Josh over here talk me up real nice for you?”

“He gave me a very loooong talk,” she nodded, stretching out a particular choice of words. “Made sure to tell me all about your biiiiig reputation.”

“Did he now?” Tyler wondered, acting even more curious.

“Yeah, yeah, I did,” I quickly dismissed her constant teasing. “Uh, how about you get us some napkins and plates for our tacos?”

“Dude,” Tyler scowled, jabbing me playfully in the arm. “Since when do we eat like civilized folk? It’s called fast food for a reason. You eat it with your hands! They’re tacos!”

“I guess,” I shrugged, closing the door and walking over to where Tyler was sitting on the couch, now opening up his bag.

“I’m sure he’s just a bit flustered,” y/n reassured, and I tensed up when I felt her hands gently massage my shoulders, working her way down my back, hot breath on my neck. “Aren’t you, Josh?”

“Y-yeah,” I stammered out. “Um, you know what Ty? Can y/n and I talk for a little bit, one on one? I’ll meet you back out here? There’s just a little thing we have to finish up.”

“Last I recalled it wasn’t little at all,” y/n smirked, eyes flickering down to the waistband of my jeans before staring back up at me.

“Stop it,” I glared at her. “Uh, is that okay?”

“Yeah Ty…” she added teasingly. I cringed at her use of the nickname. “Is that okay, sweetie?”

“Sure thing,” Tyler grinned. “You two go at it. Just don’t take too long. You might not have any tacos left waiting for you, Josh.”

“Uh huh,” I responded hurriedly, motioning for y/n to come follow me into my room. I push her in and then shut the door, clenching my fists and trying to find the right words to say, but I can’t, so I let it out all at once. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Huh?”

“What do you mean?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t you try to pull that innocent bullshit on me,” I narrowed my eyes. “You know exactly what you’re doing.”

“I really don’t,” she sighed, giving me an annoyed glare, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Really?” I challenged. “You just come strutting out of the hallway wearing this lingerie and smooth talking my best friend? Calling him sweetie and all that?”

“Why? Are you jealous?” she smirked.

“What?” I turned red right away. “No!”

“I think you are,” she giggled softly. Y/n got up off of the bed, slowly walking towards me, spinning me around and pressing a light kiss to my lips and lingering a second before pulling away, staring me right in the eyes. “You’re just angry because Tyler probably wants to fuck me too.”

“Hey!” I instantly got heated, eyes ablaze with anger. “He has a wife!”

“Oh, and I bet she’d want to fuck me just as bad,” she gave a sly smile. “What’s her name again? Jenna?”

“That’s it!” I clenched my jaw, pinning her up against the door, my anger getting the best of me. My hands were pressing her shoulders up against the wood, fury in my eyes, and I expected her to gasp or be frightened or something, anything, but instead she just rolled her eyes.

“You must think you’re trying to scare me,” she sighed. “But damn, you’re only making yourself sexier, Joshua. Showing me how dominant you can be, letting your emotions seize you, pushing me up against the door like this. Hmm?”

“That’s enough,” I muttered, frustrated, letting go of her and trying to ignore her small chuckle.

“Uh, hey guys,” Tyler knocked on the door. “Everything okay in there?”

“I don’t know,” y/n gave me a playful look. “Maybe you should ask Josh. He’s getting a little handsy lately.”

“Um okay…” Tyler responded. I glared at her before opening up the door, coming face to face with a very confused Tyler, and I could practically envision the smug expression of y/n following behind me.

“You know what, maybe we should head to the studio,” I suggested.

“What?” Tyler frowned. “I just got here. You haven’t eaten your taco yet!”

“I can eat the taco at the studio,” I grumbled. “I think I just need to get away from distractions.”

“Distractions?” y/n inquired behind me, and sure enough, when I turned around, there she was, snapping the strap of her bra and raised her eyebrows.

“Yes,” I answered, frustrated beyond belief. “Hey, let’s go talk outside.”

“Me?” she smirked.

“No,” I narrowed my eyes, tugging on Tyler’s sleeve. “Come on, I have to tell you something, one on one.”

“O-okay,” Tyler stammered, confused. I dragged him out the apartment door and closed it, pulling him farther down the hallway just to make sure she wasn’t listening.

“Did you see that?” I groaned, running a hand through my hair. “Did you see her?”

“See her?” Tyler burst out laughing. “Trust me bro, I saw a whole lot more of her than I ever needed to. Dang, she’s a looker.”

“That’s one way to put it,” I sighed. “Geez, what do I do?”

“Well first off, does she wear that kind of stuff all the time?” he wondered. “Or was that just because she knew I was coming over?”

“Ty stop it,” I shook my head. “Seriously.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Look, I just don’t know how to handle that kind of stuff Josh. I mean, if you want to go for her, sure, why not. But if she’s just going to keep teasing you like that, maybe you should tell her.”

“Tell her what?” I whined. “I’ve tried everything. It’s come to the point where I’m thinking about her, dreaming about her, hallucinating about her!” “Woah… hallucinating?” he widened his eyes.

“I don’t know,” I closed my eyes tight. “She’s like a curse or something. I mean, I love her, or at least uh, I think I do. I um, I don’t really know. But I want her so bad.”

“I think you should go for it, buddy,” he shrugged. “I mean, definitely not my type, but you should give her a try. Just tell her how you feel.”

“You know I’ve never been good with talking about this kind of stuff,” I narrowed my eyes. “I can barely even move when I’m around her!”

“I can’t help you with that one,” he sighed. “Look if you-”

There was a creak of a door and Tyler and I both whipped our heads back, and sure enough, she was standing there, staring at us, stupid sly smile on her lips. “You boys behaving out here?” she inquired.

“Dammit,” I whispered. “Uh, Tyler, I think it’s best you leave. Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” he reassured. “Hey, good luck.”

“Thanks. I’ll need it,” I muttered.

“Enjoy your taco!” Tyler gave a light smile, tucking his notebook under his arm, and giving a wave before heading down the hallway.

As soon as I got back inside the apartment and the door’s shut, I’m blowing up on her. “What the fuck was that about?” I roared. “Seriously? In front of my own best friend, y/n? You think that’s amusing enough for you? Huh?”

“You’re sexy when you’re angry,” she flickered her eyes up to meet mine.

“Answer the question!” I balled my hands up into fists at my sides, anger boiling up inside of me.

“What? You’re mad?” she frowned. “At me, baby? What did I do?”

“Oh,” I laughed darkly. “You know exactly what you did, babe.”

“Mmm,” she closed her eyes, tilted her head back, biting the bottom of her lip. I watched, my gaze never leaving her face as she let out a soft moan. “I love it when you call me that. Do it again. Call me babe.”

“That’s enough!” I finally shouted, closing the gap between us and latching my lips onto hers, pressing her body close to me and enveloping her in a kiss. “Fuck. Oh shit. Damn.” I’m a cursing mess with her in my arms, my lips trailing down her skin, kissing her jaw, her lips, her neck, everywhere.

“Such dirty words,” she chuckled softly as I kissed her harder, my shirt somehow leaving my chest in the process and her legs somehow wrapping around my waist as I pressed her against the door. “How come you don’t cuss in front of Tyler like that, hmm? You act like a good boy? Pretend to be all innocent?”

“Shhh,” I tried to hush her, placing my lips on hers, but as soon as I pulled away, she still had that naughty look in her eyes.

“I know you were jealous earlier,” she murmured. “I thought maybe I’d finally get to you.”

“Well you did,” I replied shakily, absorbing all of the moment, realizing this was real. She was in my arms and her taste was on my lips and she was here, right now, all mine. “Because I can’t take this anymore, y/n. I need you.”

“Prove it then,” she decided, staring into my eyes. “Fuck me, Josh. Fuck me fast and hard.”

“Oh god,” I murmured, leaning in for her lips once again and carrying her off to the bedroom, my bedroom. I laid her down on the mattress, climbing on top of her, tugging down the lace lingerie and unclasping it from the back, tossing it to the side and sucking at her breasts, massaging one in my hand and teasing her other with my mouth, swirling my tongue around, teasing her.

“Mmmm I knew you would be good at this,” she hummed, tossing her head back into the pillows when I grazed my teeth against one of her nipples. “Just like that, baby. Leave hickeys all over.”

“Fuck,” I gasped, alternating to the next, listening to all the pretty sounds she was making for me. “You’re such a noisy little slut for me, aren’t you?”

“Slut, hmm?” she chuckled, and I glanced up at her, afraid I had gone too far.

“I, uh, I didn’t mean to-” I began to say sorry but she just rolled her eyes, pulling my head up to hers and kissing me softly, brushing a strand of my hair away from my forehead and tugging my ear close to her mouth.

“Don’t apologize,” she whispered. “I love it when you talk dirty to me, baby.”

“Yeah?” I swallowed uncomfortably, eyeing her carefully.

“That’s right,” she nodded slowly. “I’m such a noisy little slut, all for you, just for you.”

“Fuck,” I breathed, staring into her eyes before pulling her in for another kiss, trailing my lips down her body and inching down the last bits of lace until they’re down to her ankles, making sure to leave kisses all the way down her legs. I press my lips to her hips, her thighs, her knees, her shins, all the way down to her feet, tossing the fabric off before making my way up her legs again, placing my hands on her thighs and pushing them to the sides slowly, flickering my eyes up to meet her before looking back down between her legs and smirking at the sight. “You’re dripping wet for me baby, gosh. Look at that beautiful tight little cunt. I can’t wait to fuck you, baby. I can only imagine the sounds you’ll make then. Dammit y/n…”

“I’m all yours,” she reminded, biting down on her lower lip.

“You want me to fuck this pretty pussy, hmm?” I raised an eyebrow, rubbing her clit softly, watching in amusement as she gasped. “You like that?” I ran a finger down her slit, my hand covered in her juices, teasing her folds before slipping a finger inside her without warning.

“Oh fuck daddy,” she moaned loudly and I fixed my eyes on hers quickly, inhaling a sharp breath, paused. She closed her eyes, humming softly before opening them up again, grin appearing on her face when she realized what she had done. “What? You know I can’t control myself when I’m around you, baby.”

“Just surprising,” I admitted, starting to pump the finger in and out and watching her revert back to a mumbling mess of moans. “That’s right, baby. Make those beautiful noises for me.”

“Goddammit Joshua,” she muttered as I added another finger. “Please-”

“Please?” I chuckled. “You’re using manners all of a sudden, babygirl?”

“Fuck me,” she moaned out loudly. “Stop teasing.”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I’m having fun here, watching you like this, a mess, absolutely helpless. Just look at this, you’re soaked. God I can’t wait to get inside you.”

“Then do it,” she insisted. “I want to cum with you inside me.”

“Anything you say baby,” I complied, letting my fingers linger a bit before drawing them out, sucking on them and watching her stare at me in a daze.

“That’s so fucking hot…” her voice trailed off, eyes still fixed on me as I drew my fingers from my mouth, giving a sly smile before climbing on top of her again. Her hands were at my sides unzipping my jeans and tugging them down, smirking at the sight of my complete hard on, groping me through the fabric before tugging those down as well, trailing kisses from my jaw down to my chest before whispering two words. “Fuck me.”

That’s all it took before I was sliding into her, both of us noisy as fuck, a mess of moans and collection of sighs. I’ve waited so long for this and I can tell she has been too, because we’re both clinging onto each other, her fingernails digging into my skin, my hands a tight grip on her hips, thrusting relentlessly, quickening the pace with no control. She’s moaning into my shoulder and we’re both so desperate for this feeling it’s like our bodies don’t have a limit. I’m pounding her into the mattress at this point, both of us trying to get as much as we can as fast as possible, drowning in this feeling, and it’s not long before we’re both riding out our orgasms, moaning out each other’s names. She’s clawing at my back and I’m holding her body so close to mine, both of us just an assortment of gasps and moans, drowning in this feeling, in this moment. We lay there in silence for several seconds before I finally dare to speak.

“I’ve been waiting literally forever to do that,” I whispered, lying beside her in the bed, staring into her eyes, sliding the palm of my hand across her body gently, from her shoulders to her sides to her hips, pulling her close.

“You were the one waiting,” she chuckled. “Sure.”

“Is that what all that was about?” I narrowed my eyes. “The constant teasing, the barely wearing any clothing, the suggestive comments?”

“Maybe…” she admitted shyly. “I mean, I just wanted you to notice me.”

“Notice you?” I burst out laughing and her face turned red.

“Yeah,” she confessed.

“You didn’t have to tease me all the time,” I sighed. “You could’ve just said you wanted to fuck.”

“Yeah, well you didn’t have to act like you were blind either,” she muttered.

“Blind?” I widened my eyes. “Y/n, are you kidding me? I could’ve spotted you from a mile away with that sexy body of yours.”

There’s a pause. “You really think I’m sexy?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Definitely,” I reassured. “You're quite the temptation.”

“You’re not too shabby yourself, drummer boy,” she added.

There’s another moment of silence that passes. “Hey, I know this is sort of past due, but uh… would you ever be interested in coming to one of our shows sometime?” I inquired. “Me and Ty?”

“Do you play fast and hard?” she smirked.

“Always,” I gave her a knowing look. “I mean, you should know.”

“Then you can bet my ass I’ll be there,” she grinned. “I’d never pass up an opportunity to see that.”

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scrambledthoughtz · 4 years

Text

fed up w/ quarantine & other thoughts

been feeling really fucking fed up with myself recently. every time i feel like complaining about this quarantine or shelter-in-place, i feel like a stuck-up asshole and i just remember that TikTok that's like "Kim, there are literally people dying." i understand that i'm in a huge position of privilege given the circumstances because my family and i can afford to stock up on food, toilet paper, and cleaning agents. i know that we are lucky to even have the chance to complain about the fact that we are stuck at home -- reading, sleeping, catching up on lectures, painting, or whatever other activites people have picked up during this quarantine. i know that there are people out there (like doctors, nurses, mail men, grocery store workers, Uber drivers and more) who are working their asses off to make sure that we are able to maintain at least some degree of normalcy despite the chaos that we have all been thrown into. and massive props to them -- i really can't even begin to express my gratitude for those who are still working hard at their jobs while the rest of us get to stay at home. so trust me when i say i know. i know i shouldn't really even be complaining because in the grand scheme of things, i am lucky. my family is lucky. many of us are lucky. but with all that being said, i'm not going to deny the fact that these extended periods of time spent cooped up inside has taken a bit of a toll. i've been so fed up with myself recently for a number of reasons. first, it has been SO hard to focus at home. i'm not used to being inside for so long, or not having the option to go somewhere else to study when my room proves itself to be a massive distraction. it's not like i don't have anything to do. i do. i had midterms last week, and finals this week. but despite this, i've found it so difficult to focus and to commit to sitting down and actually put effort into my schoolwork. i'm the type of person who hates turning something in when i know i haven't put my best effort into. sometimes it is what it is, but especially with my bigger assignments (like this 10-page research paper i have due at the end of this week), i would absolutely hate to turn in something that i'm not at least decently proud of. and i've always been this way. i always tell people the story of when i fell asleep the night before my country report was due, and i woke up to it being finished, thanks for my mom to took over and finished up my project while i had temporarily passed out on the floor next to the computer. in the end, i got an A, but i was still upset because i felt like i didn't deserve the grade that i had gotten. it was my mom's A, not my own. since then, i've mellowed down a little. i've grown to understand that i can't put my 100% into everything, but i still hate turning in something that i'm not proud of. but i just can't find the willpower to sit down and freaking type out this paper. i don't even know why. actually, maybe i do. a few weeks ago, i went to an academic coaching appointment at Foothill, and i told the coach that i may have an perfectionist instict where i drag out assignments because i know that they're going to take a lot of effort and brainpower and i don't want to churn out anything sub-par. it's a worthy revelation, but it doesn't do me any good if i don't work on it. now, i'm not a perfect (or even a stellar) student by any stretch of the imagination, but i don't think i really realized how much of my identity is tied with school and my education. without that structure and constant push, i feel genuinely lost. it's like, "what now?" what am i working towards? if i have too much time on my hands, i'm almost always itching for that empty space to be filled with schoolwork, or any type of productive activity. it's not like i LOVE school or anything, but i also don't hate it. and actually, nowadays, i really miss it. i miss my instructors. i miss my classmates. i miss sitting in a classroom and participating in-person. i'm honestly kind of sick of talking with people over the phone, text, email, or FaceTime. i miss the physical face-to-face connection. i miss my workplace. i miss it a lot. i miss my supervisors, my co-workers, and the ridiculous conversations we'd have during the night shifts. i miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are streaming out of my eyes. i've been spending an obscene amount of time on social media, and it's been more toxic, time-consuming, and draining than anything. i've uninstalled and reinstalled Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok countless times over the past week. i honestly lost count of the number of times that i uninstalled one of those apps in a brief moment of determination and productivity, and then reinstalled in a prolonged period of boredom. my sister has been so productive these past few days, and i envy her focus. i'm starting to develop an irrational resentment towards her. she is able to focus for long periods of time, she has the willpower to not snack out of boredom, and she has somehow developed impressive upper body-strength. she goes on daily runs, and she is able to manufacture structure for herself in an otherwise long, uneventful day. the days are beginning to blend together, and i've told myself that i wouldn't let myself succumb to boredom. i try to keep myself busy. i downloaded an audiobook that i listen to in the morning and while i'm walking my dog. it's a charming book, something that i wouldn't be able to get through if i was physically reading it myself. it's called "The Rosie Project." i see so many people rediscovered hobbies and talents, learning how to cook, finally getting to that "stack of books that they've been meaning to get to", creating their own home workouts, and i feel so much guilt. i feel so much guilt that i've been sitting on my ass all day, complaining. not doing much except for refreshing each of my social media apps, hoping for new posts to scroll through. i know that there are things that i should be doing, but i just can't. i know that i should learn to cook because i am going to be moving out soon. i know that i should take this opportunity to work out more often. i know that i've been looking for more time to read, and this extra time has cropped up. i know, i know, i know. i'm beginning to develop familiar resentment towards my friend, who keeps on sending me frightening statistics. stop getting your anxiety all over me. i know that the amount of coronavirus cases in the Santa Clara county has tripled in the past week. i know that the president is shutting down borders and banning international (and even domestic) travel. i know that we are basically trapped. i know that a "shelter-in-place" directive is one of the most serious directives out there, and that it should not be taken lightly. i know that we need to work on flattening the curve, and that we are barely even there. i know that school is probably cancelled for the rest of the semester and that it'll take place virtually, even though the shelter-in-place is only supposed to last until April 7. i know that it'll be extended because the spread of this virus has shown no signs of slowing down. i know that, despite what the media tells us, the elderly are not the only ones who are susceptible. wash your hands, wear a face-mask when you go out, wear gloves, don't touch your face or your mouth. social distancing is the legal mandate. stay 6 feet away. no social gatherings. stay at home, stay at home, stay at home. don't go to the beach and party it up like a fucking idiot. all non-essential businesses shut down. no one knows how long this is going to last. the death toll keeps increasing. our governor may even shut down beaches because ppl aren't taking the shelter-in-place mandate seriously enough. it's crazy, it's uncertain. thankfully my professors have been so understanding, so kind, and so generous. my Ethics professor made our final option (although i'm still going to take it because i have a fucking B in the class right now -- another story for another time). my research methods professor has extended our paper deadline three times, and she sends out announcements reminding us to take care of ourselves. i know that it's a difficult time, but i can't help but feel guilty. yes, it's a difficult time for everyone involved, but surely more so for others? i'm just sitting at home complaining and eating chips. this doesn't apply to me? i don't deserve an extension on anything because i'm not doing anything anyways. it's not like i have anything else to do except my assignments, and i'm still not doing them. i feel like a lazy piece of shit who is just going to take advantage of these extensions to procrastinate even more than i already am. sure, it's lonely at times and i've only really talked in-person with my family for more than a week. but i didn't do anything to deserve this. the real support and recognition should go to those on the frontlines -- the doctors, nurses, infectious disease experts, and so on. props even to my dad, who is a dentist. i'm just sitting at home, having the luxury of doing nothing, having my meals made for me, while my professors are frantically working behind the scenes to make sure we still get our education. i don't deserve this. it always boils down to this, and i'm not sure why. a lingering feeling of guilt or "un-deserved-ness".

#personal #coronavirus

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herotheshiro · 4 years

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i didn’t know where to post this -- here or on my other blog where i’ve moved my fandom ramblings but i’ve decided to put it here since it kind of touches on more personal topics/feelings. jk i wrote it all out and i didn’t really touch too much on personal stuff so into the fandom blog it goes. also putting it under a read more bc it ended up being pretty damn long wow

recently had a sort of issue/not-issue on twitter where i kind of openly expressed my dislike for this one character. no essay backing up why i dislike them, but i do have my (valid) reasons and i tend to be kind of semi-serious w my hate so i didn’t think too much abt swinging my opinions around. and also since this twitter is a recent development, i’m more used to tumblr where even if you openly express an opinion, you have a ton of character space to utilize to explain your opinion so you tend to explain yourself anyway unlike twitter’s limited character tweets where you basically just express your opinion and that’s it. anyway i might have gotten a little carried away since i don’t really interact w anyone in fandoms anymore and only w my fam member who we enable each others’ opinions and put my opinion on my bio and i think that along w my tweet trail led to potentially being vagued abt by a twitter account that mostly posts abt that fandom. i still have reason to suspect that /i/ wasn’t the sole target of the vagueing (if even) bc they said some stuff abt this character’s negative opinion that apparently someone expressed that /i/ never overtly said (like he’s evil and bad simply bc of how he treats this one person but i never said that, just implied that he’s a general asshole and maybe his relationship w this one person isn’t as good as i’ve seen previously from the fandom which is what i’ve deduced from reading canon content). since they never mentioned names or twitter handles explicitly, i purposely made some tweets (still being open, no censoring on purpose) to try to get a direct response and also low-key targeting the vaguers (out of my paranoia that they were indeed talking abt me which honestly prob not but also it’s a relatively small eng-speaking fandom involved w this character so they have to have stumbled upon me at one point). i did get a response (not from the vaguer(s)) from someone calling me out for not censoring my open dislike of this one character. but i also suspect they knew abt my dislike of this one character stemming from their interactions w another character bc they started talking abt shipping even though i never mentioned a ship in those tweets (but i did mention the latter character though not in conjunction w the former). anyway i felt the familiar heat of embarrassment upon seeing that notif of their callout but i almost immediately felt better abt the entire situation bc i finally got the direct callout i was waiting for and i knew what i needed to take down. direct and clear action

in hindsight after i made a series of vagueing tweets last night lol i feel like this entire situation is just me creating unnecessary drama and wildly hitting even ppl not even involved at all (as noted by the callout which was supposedly having non-involved randos in mind) just to make myself feel better or something which isn’t really respectful in any way (and i was totally open abt me just swinging wildly after the callout and my ensuing taking down of posts. this isn’t even a private twitter where ig it’s apparently socially acceptable to talk abt shit like that). and also makes me think maybe i never really learned anything from being online for almost my entire life. a weird part of me has always wanted to become fandom-famous online but i’ve never succeeded in doing so nor have i made an online group of friends i can bounce my opinions and headcanons off of. so i’ve never really developed an online community, i’ve always just been on the fringes and yelling into the mass without getting much attention. now ik that apparently twitter does indeed chuck your opinions well into that mass (good and bad i suppose), it’s a bit surprising to actually get “attention” ... i also mentioned this in my tweets last night but i really really dislike getting vagued abt which my psychoanalyzing brain was like “that’s bc you don’t like not knowing what others think abt you irl” and yeah if you got an issue w me i’d prefer you to tell it directly to my face rather than pretend you like me (which is totally hypocritical bc i do the latter to others but also i tend to just swerve ppl i dislike so it’s not like i go out of my way to pretend to be nice to them).

idk where i was trying to go w this bc now that i’m writing it out i’m like wow yeah i’m still in the wrong huh. sometimes i am in the wrong like years ago when i got called out for grossly shipping irl ppl (which yes i will admit i did do once upon a time but now i no longer do it or am ok w it) but i don’t feel like i was in the wrong this time so i just feel a little frustrated abt the vagueing bc if i was part of the group they were vagueing abt then i was definitely painted as someone w no critical thinking skills which i do, i just don’t share their opinion which they think is right (and tbh i wonder if THEY have critical thinking skills bc they said some things in defense of their opinion which i don’t agree with esp if you’re interpreting canon content like that. are we even reading the same content). i do genuinely feel better abt the series now bc before i was literally anxiety whenever i thought of or even saw the related characters. my fam member was trying to talk abt the series to me and they weren’t even talking abt the related characters but i just wasn’t feeling it bc of this whole situation which i literally made abt me even though there was no indication whatsoever it was abt me. this all make me think that i really should take a good fucking long break from fandoms and social media bc it just gives me unneeded stress and anxiety abt cancel culture, trying to be likeable enough to become fandom-famous, seeing hot takes, etc etc. i’ve already been winding down in terms of strongly interacting w fandoms but my mental health has not been doing so hot recently bc of irl things and fandoms are not ameliorating it at all. ik for some fandoms do indeed make ppl feel better but that’s when ppl actually interact w them and they’re not stuck in a bubble of no response whatsoever while ppl may potentially gab abt them outside of that bubble. my issue is that i always feel the need to create when i really get into a fandom and when you create you want ppl to respond to your creations! so you need to interact w the fandom. but then i then want to actually interact w the fandom fr instead of just posting from time to time and staying out of it and you know where that gets me sometimes. i think it’s bc i had a good time in the pjo and warriors fandoms and i want something like that again in new fandoms i’m in but for whatever reason that’s not how it is now.

i didn’t jump into the vagueing tweet mess bc as i said i wasn’t directly called out and also better to just ignore it but i couldn’t get it out of my head. and that’s making me really consider leaving fandom social media and just create fanworks solely for myself without even posting them online. my works don’t really get much response anyway which is fine tbh even having 1 like these days is good enough so it’s not like i’d be losing out. but idk man ... sometimes you just want to share stuff w others. maybe i should just make my own website and put stuff on there w no expectation for likes or whatever. this has also made me re-evaluate whether or not i really do want to go into art professionally. ik this one situation is inevitable w putting your opinion out on the internet and i wasn’t even in the wrong i feel bc it’s not like i have a problematic opinion (racism, sexism, incest, etc) but it has put a damper on creating content to put online even if the content i eventually want to create is original and is in no way associated w fandoms. even as i write that out i realize it’s kind of stupid to have such a damper put on me. i should watch spiderverse again bc that was the film that really inspired me to create my own creative visual content again and also i’ve been feeling really uninspired lately. ik i shouldn’t let this kind of stuff get me down if i really want to create art in the future but it’s hard to deal w sometimes. honestly i really should be seeing a therapist but also wow now it’s delving into more personal territory so i’ll end it here.

tl;dr i need to learn how to chill on the internet and i think i need to create boundaries for fandoms fr and stick w those boundaries for the benefit of my mental health. maybe i shouldn’t have gotten a twitter in the first place lol even if all i made it for originally was just so i could message a proxy on twitter and not to actually get involved in fandom twitter. i didn’t even get the proxied good in the end anyway bc i was forced to cancel the payment by a third party bc the proxy had not sent me the good in months despite them updating relatively regularly on how busy they were as a student. hah that just how it be

also side note i was like to myself “ok you need to chill bc these series’ characters aren’t real. there’s no need to get so worked up over them” but then i realized even that opinion is “problematic” bc there are ppl out there who really use the characters as like idk a therapy object and i’m genuinely not trying to be an asshole i just forgot the specific wording you use. so even if i’m like ‘they’re fake’ there are others who are like ‘no they make me feel better so don’t hate !!’ which idk is a mentality which i think ppl should shift away from bc you can’t be in fandoms forever unless you’re a professional fictional content creator which is also an opinion i think a good number of ppl would disagree w (“they’re not bothering anyone and it’s their life so what are you to say what they should do??”). idk this is my hot take for the day i guess but it’s fine to be a fan of stuff as you grow up but i think it should become less of a focus/active part in your life as you grow older. i mean maybe that’s a cynical way of seeing things bc maybe creating fanwork is a good de-stressor for ppl but i think i feel that way bc i’m not going into creative content professionally career-wise but ... idk what i’m trying to say here. i guess i just have complicated thoughts on fandoms in general.

#my personal and this tumblr are good bc it's the parts of the internet where i can write shit out like this and i don't have irl ppl seeing #i have someone ik irl following my twitter so it's kind of weird to do the vagueing tweets i did last night bc they were like what's up w #that and i'm like i don't really wanna talk abt it w you #personal #rant #i wouldn't characterize this as a rant tbh but i have no other blog tags to put this under

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gibbearish · 7 years

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#nightlight lilts #death ment/#offline #txt.jpg #if u read this id appreciate if ud like it #please amd thank u #i hope the readmore works so that i dont clog up yall dashes but if not whatever #im probably gonna be hogging yalls dashes when rhis goes up anyways bc its an offline post amd given that ive made #like 20 of those today id say the chances of there beinf a shitton of these in a row when i fet to scjool on momday is pretty high #basicallt what im trying to say is R ip allayall

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sugaabooga · 6 years

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The Holiday Ghost

Pairing: Kim Jaehwan x Reader

Genre: fluff, little angst?, bullet scenario, ghost!Jaehwan

Word Count: 3.2k

Summary/Extra: MERRRRRRRYYY CHRISTMAAAAASSSSS!!! Part of the Christmas Packages:) thought i should start posting the writings ive finished even tho a lot of the kpop fandom has been through hard times last week! i’ve also extended this holiday thing until the end of my winter break, January 8th. ENJOY!

So you’ve never really been a fan of horror movies

But one day in the middle of December, winter break, your friends Jihoon and Woojin suggest the three of you watch the new horror movie that had recently came out

That was the worst decision you have ever made in your whole entire life

You couldn’t walk back home alone and made both the boys walk you

But either way it was scary

bc they wouldn’t stop scaring you!!!

“Y-Y/N��.”

“STOPPPPP!!”

“THERE’S SOMETHING BEHIND YOU!”

And they would start sprinting down the sidewalk and leave you to stand alone in the flickering street light

You almost burst into tears

Jihoon and woojin felt really bad after you had a near panic attack

so Jihoon ends up walking in front of you and woojin walks behind you

b4 they leave they remind you that it’s not real and ghosts don’t exist

Blah blah blah

Their little assurance somewhat calms you

BUT YOU REALIZE YOUR PARENTS AREN’T HOME

IT’S LATE WHY AREN’T THEY HOMEEEEE

DID THEY DIE!? IF YOU GO IN THE BATHROOM WILL THEY BE LAYING THERE!?

you start running around the house and turn on every single light you have

you know you shouldn’t, but you really don’t wanna risk seeing a dark shadow in the mirror as you brush your teeth then be led to your death, so you don’t even step a meter near the bathroom

you change in the corner of your room so nothing would be able to stand behind you

You walk backwards into your bed then create a little house around your head with all your stuffed animals

you somehow fall asleep despite the feeling you had of someone watching you

But during the middle of the night you hear soft strumming of the guitar

At first you think that it must be your next door neighbor, Joshua playing his little morning warm-up

Then you see the time from your half opened eyes and holy shiz it’s only 2am

you start to hyperventilate and you can’t even close your eyes

Bc what if the killer ghost is hovering right above you when you choose to open them again

You can’t risk it

the strums come closer and closer to your window

and you feel yourself sweating more and your breathing becomes ragged

but then you hear humming of a soft, light tune

it makes you think back to third grade, first day of school

you remember a kid who always brought a ukulele to school

tbh you had a crush on that boy, but you couldn’t remember his name

he always sat with you whenever you mom was late to pick you up and he would play a short theme song like from a popular cartoon

his songs always assured you that your mom was coming to pick you up soon

and it helped you forget all the bullies and frights you had

the song that you were hearing rn was oddly familiar and it comforted you

The strums were nowhere near creepy, surprisingly and the hums lulled you back to sleep

When you wake up in the morning, you hear guitar strums again

your heart beats erratically but then you realize

The sun’s out

Which means

It’s bright and daytime

Which meanss

NO GHOSTS

Which meanssss

It was your cute neighbor joshua hong playing his guitar and singing with his heavenly voice

You just lay in your bed after opening your window a bit more so you can hear him sing

But then you realize….

It wasn’t joshua’s voice

Joshua had a softer, gentler voice

This voice was soft and gentle….

But there was strong emotion put into each word sung

way more emotion than a morning warm up

you slowly get up and peek out your window to see…

Nothing

You notice that the singing and guitar stopped as well

you slump back into your bed then think back to the horror movie from yesterday

It couldn’t be….

A GHOST!?!!?!?

You start screaming and crying at the same time when the scenes from the movie come rushing into your brain

You hear footsteps come up the stairs and you start screaming even louder

But stop when you see that it’s just your mom

“WHAT’S GOING ON!? IS EVERYTHING OKAY!?”

“MOOOOMMMMM!!! I THINK OUR HOUSE IS HAUNTEDDD!!”

cue your mom hitting your back and yelling at you

“I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED!”

“SOMETHING DID HAPPEN! I HEARD A GHOST SINGING!”

that just makes your mom even more mad

her slaps just drive you out of bed and you soon find yourself sitting out on your porch

You were currently rubbing your hands over your arms

bc it was FREAKIN cold

you couldn’t believe your mom had kicked you out of the house in the middle of December

you’re muttering to yourself how cold it is then you see a guy with a guitar slung over his shoulder walking down the sidewalk and across the street about to pass by your home

He seemed to be in a good mood

humming and all

but something just seemed off about him

he was rather….. pale

like transparent pale

you’re kinda worried bc what if this guy was rlly sick or something and he didn’t know about it bc he seemed to be in a good mood

“Hey!”

You yell from your chair and wave your arms

he turns to you and stares at you for a bit then keeps walking

you’re like “uh wut?”

you go down the steps and you honestly don’t even know what you’re doing

your feet were moving on their own

you felt like you had to help this person

“Excuse me?”

you call out, but the guy DOES NOT STOP WALKING

could he not hear?

you jog up behind him and reach your hand out to tap him

but

your hand goes through him

“AHHHH!”

the guy suddenly whips around in shock and looks at you with an equally bewildered look

you’re frozen on the spot

you can’t move no matter how creepy the situation is rn

“d-do you see me?” he almost whispers

“n-no”

He just starts laughing and it freaks the hell outta you

What kind of psychotic laugh was that!?

You felt shivers run up and down your spine as he tried to calm himself down

you slowly try to step away from him but Jaehwan does that creepy, nervous, cute looking smile

like do you know what smile im talking about

and he asks you “where are you going?”

your mind’s just going ‘GTFO GGTTFFOO”

you attempt to turn around and run, but you just fall flat on your face

How comedic would this look from your window?

“Are you okay?”

“STOP DON’T COME NEAR ME!”

tbh jaehwan is disheartened at your tone

He was ecstatic that someone could finally see him, but now they were getting scared bc of him

He just ignores those feelings and nervously chuckles

you don’t hear anything for a while and you start to stand up

then you hear music

Those guitar strums

that voice

Both those factors reminded you of that one boy who played to you

you frantically look around, but you couldn’t seem to see anything

then, you spot that ghost guy from earlier

he was sitting on the side of your house, leaned against the wall

If jaehwan remembered anything about humans, it was that they seemed to calm down when there was music

you slowly walk over to him, your feet making crunching noises on the fresh snow

You just stand across from him listening to his voice

when he stops you look at him in surprise and disappointment

“Why’d you stop playing?”

Jaehwan smirks

“You seemed pretty calm enough”

he stands up to take his leave

“Y-You’re voICE IS NICE!”

you’re still kinda creeped out about the fact that he’s a ghost AND WHY ARE YOU SEEING HIM!?!!?

but he just had this familiar comforting feel

you stop him by reaching out for his arm when he merely smiles at your compliment and starts to walk away from you

then remember he’s a frkn ghost

but as you retract your arm you feel the cloth of his jacket

0o0o0o0o000o0o0o0

why were you able to touch him!?!!

Jaehwan can feel after all these years

More like a few months but

“ARE YOU MY SOULMATE!?!?!”

Kim jaehwan plz

you’re like “bro wtf?”

he proceeds to explain how if a human can see him and touch him, he gets a chance to go to the afterworld

for some odd reason, jaehwan was rejected bc he had someone in the real world who wasn’t ready to let him go

This usually wasn’t a problem but the wanting of his presence was REALLLLLYYYY STRONG

So he had to stay in the human world until he found that human and spent three weeks with them to convince them to let him go

“Are you saying it’s me?”

“There’s really no one else who could touch me”

He honestly didn’t know why you were able to touch him

Let alone SEE him

but he felt like you were the owner of that strong, unseen force of wanting his presence

you’re really confused tho bc you’ve never seen him b4

“IM JAEHWAN!”

he suddenly blurts then grins

“....y/n…”

and like JAEHWAN REMEMBERS YOU

You were that one girl who he always played his ukulele for in elementary school!

he had once seen you cry bc you’re mom was running really late and he walked home so he stayed an extra twenty minutes just singing and playing until you cracked a smile

But maybe you weren’t that girl bc he knew at least two other ppl named y/n

Anyways

he doesn’t mention that he may or may not know you and just follows you into your home

by then your mom is calmed down from this morning

there’s already a plate of pancakes set on the table for you

Jaehwan takes a tour around your home while you eat

You finish eating then hear his laugh again

You temporarily forgot there was a ghost in your home, so you freaked but then

“Right… jaehwan”

After you wash the dishes you go up to your room but jaehwan’s already in there

WEARING A FRKN BRA

you clamp your hand over your mouth so you don’t scream from the shock, but instead, you start laughing

“I WISH I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU RN!”

you’re literally on the ground and Jaehwan just smiles at you and sits on your bed

STILL IN YOUR BRA

“STOP TOUCHING IT!”

it’s only been a few hours of spending time w/Jaehwan in your room

but you feel like you’ve known him for years

he told you about the day his first tooth fell out all the way to the last time he was still existing

you had shed some tears during his talk about his death and what he had felt when he saw the car barreling towards him

soon, a week passed

It was Christmas

You open up your presents

You had asked for a guitar and there it was

You honestly had NO KNOWLEDGE about guitars whatsoever, but the instrument always caught your eye

But ya know

Jaehwans a pro at guitar

So he basically teaches you the basics and helps you get started

You bond even quicker bc of the guitar lessons

And seriously

You never realized you would be best friends with a ghost

Christmas passed by really quickly with Jaehwan hanging out w/you all the time

his presence was always comforting

butttt a lot of your relatives prob thought you were crazy from giggling out of the blue and appearing to talk to yourself

you wanted to tell jihoon and woojin about jaehwan but you couldn’t find the time to meet them during the break

Soon it’s December 31st

third week

Jaehwan had mentioned his past b4

Especially he was now 99% sure that you were the one not letting him go after seeing, from your pictures, that you WERE that girl from like 14 years ago

you didn’t even realize that you were holding on to him from leaving this world

you didn’t even know that you were always missing that one kid in elementary school, who always managed to put a smile on your face and brighten up your day

you now knew that you were the one keeping Jaehwan from leaving to where he belonged

behind the Heaven gates

you kept putting it behind

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow…in three days…. next week….”

until it was New Year’s Eve

10:05pm

You were sitting out on Ong Seongwoo’s empty patio w/Jaehwan

Ong Seongwoo - a freakishly rich dude that somehow became friends with Jihoon and Woojin despite the four year age gap

Seongwoo had thrown a New Year’s Eve party

there were mostly college kids, but a few high schoolers from jihoon and woojin’s dance team were also invited were at this party

You have no idea how you were at this party, but woojin had insisted you come

you had spent some time talking with some of the dancers’ girlfriends and with Jihoon and woojin, but decided to get some fresh air bc the loud music and smell of alcohol was too much

Jaehwan hadn’t come with you even tho he begged to come as long

you wanted jaehwan to stay home

Just in case you did something completely embarrassing

but one thing you should know

don’t ever trust kim jaehwan

Especially when he’s a ghost

you were just gazing out into the night sky when you saw a glowing figure

you were about to freak out

BC ANOTHER GHOST!? JAEHWAN WAS ALREADY A HANDFUL

but then you saw that it was just Jaehwan

the ghost that you had somehow fell in love with

You really wished he was a person

As jaehwan spent more and more time w/you

the less and lesser you would be able to tap his shoulder, give him a small hug, or even high five him

It was like the very first time you tried to tap his shoulder, the first time you met

your fingers just went through him

you knew that you couldn’t let go of him

you missed his presence whenever you would wake up and not see him there on the floor, gazing blankly at the ceiling

Jaehwan was prob just lowkey stalking your other neighbor, Hwang Minhyun

I mean he still couldn’t believe someone could be so…..

clean

anyways

you don’t think you would be able to live without him

but that was just your selfish desires

You knew the longer jaehwan spent his time in the real world, the more dangerous it would become for him

Jaehwan would be turned into a human, but obviously he had to experience another death since he’s not supposed to be alive

but if that happened, he wouldn’t even get a chance to go to trial to go to Heaven

you didn’t want that

you would rather miss him for a bit then see him again in the form of an angel

so you decide to let him go at exactly 12am, January 1st of the new year

when jaehwan appears, he already knows you made up your mind

he could just tell from your eyes

both the sadness and determination

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Jaehwan?”

“I’m sorry I forgot I was a ghost the other day and tried to carry your guitar.”

you chuckle at his belated apology

“No worries”

The two of you spend the rest of the time talking about the three weeks you’ve spent together

it felt like you had been with him for years

Before you know it, it’s 11:58pm

ppl inside are already starting the countdown

Two minutes b4 the new year since seongwoo’s like that

Both of you know you’re running out of time

and you just suddenly break down in tears

you became so attached to the ghost in front of you in a matter of three weeks

It was like fate had brought you two together after he had died and give you the time to grow love for one another just to break you apart again

sure, it was only three weeks

But you already knew that you would be willing to spend the rest of your entire life with him

You had literally seen all sides of jaehwan

The good sides, the bad sides, the funny sides, the broken sides

“I love you, Y/N”

you look up in surprise

You were half expecting to be like

“AHhAHhahHAHkakkjakH LOVE YOUUUU”

And joke about it but

nope

you look in his eyes and you know he’s not joking around this time

your eyes were still half-filled w/tears, so you quickly rub them away in order so you can see jaehwan properly

But he’s fading away

WHY WAS HE FADING AWAY?

Jaehwan steps closer to you and you can actually feel… body heat?

you missed being able to actually physically touch jaehwan

he sadly smiles and all you see in his eyes are tears and genuinity

“I love you”

you hear the loud cheers of the people inside counting down from ten to finally celebrate the new year that will bring new New Year Resolutions and fresh starts

The countdown slowly fades away as you see the space between you and Jaehwan grow smaller and smaller

Just as you close your eyes and feel a light touch on your lips,

“ONEEEE WHOOOP!!!”

You hear cheers grow the loudest they’ve ever been that night

The touch…..

it’s gone

Jaehwan….

is gone

After Jaehwan just disappears into thin air, everything else is a blur

You remember woojin coming out to find you squatted down on the ground, about to cheer how it was the new year, but instead sees your face in your hands, and tears streaming down your face

he knew better than to ask what was wrong

he immediately takes you home and wishes you a Happy New Year and leaves a light, shy kiss on your forehead

if you hadn’t met jaehwan in the duration of your winter break, you prob would’ve been bursting with happiness rn

You had always had a small crush on woojin

but obviously it all changed when you had seen jaehwan

Instead, you offer a small smile, thank him for being such a supportive friend and bid him a safe walk back home

you trudge back into your room and fall face flat onto your bed

you want to cry

and…. you do

But as you struggle to calm down and get up to wash your face and move on with your life….

you hear a tiny crinkling of paper

you look over, confused and see a small piece of paper sticking out from the first fret of your guitar, fluttering from the wind that was being let in from your slightly open window

with trembling hands, you open it up and let some more tears fall

happy tears

“Merry New Year’s, Y/N! Don’t miss me too much. :P Move on with your life. Don’t forget about me though! I still want some attention you know lol (i used that slang word! Lol keke I saw it when you were texting that friend of yours lol) Thanks for letting me go. I will never forget you and all the things we’ve been through even though it’s been only three weeks. lol…

I love you. - Kim Jaehwan”

as you struggle to keep in your tears and not roll his eyes at his overuse of the “slang” word ‘lol’ you notice something falling out from the small note he had left

you crouch down and pick it up from the floor to see

his guitar pick

#and from the distance you can hear the laugh of kim jaehwan #thx for reading #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #wanna one bullet #kim jaehwan #wanna one jaehwan #wanna one au #jaehwan au #Ghost!AU #wanna one ghost #ghost!Jaehwan #wanna one fluff #jaehwan fluff #jaehwan angst #wanna one angst #and of course #rest in peace jonghyun #hope you are in a happier place

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