gettin-bi-bi-bi

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Fun thing to do for Americans today:

Call your congress people and demand that they vote for the Ukraine aid bill.

It's been almost 500 days since congress last approved aid to Ukraine. 🇺🇦 forces are severely lacking in ammunition there, which means they cannot protect their cities and energy infrastructure and have to leave soldiers at the frontline without cover because they need to ration their firepower. Civilians are dying, soldiers defending freedom and democracy are dying. Ukraine will lose and cease to exist if they run out of weapons.

Russia is 100% responsible for the war, but inaction makes the USA complicit and will lead to a bigger war in Europe that is very likely going to include NATO directly, meaning your fellow countrypeople will actually have to come here and fight. Don't want that? Then fucking support Ukraine NOW! It's the morally right and logical thing to do and serves your own interests!!

#I'm planning to shut down this blog anyway #so might use it one last time to ask for help #before I delete the blog entirely #so this goes out to all American followers here #and to the non-Americans: please signal boost

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

inbox closed

and some thoughts on the future of this blog

Sorry to inform you that I will have to close the inbox for a while due to going on vacation soon. So unless the other mods feel in the mood to reopen it in the meantime, your questions will have to wait until I am back.

That being said, it’s gotten very quiet here anyway and I am thinking about how to move forward with this blog. There used to be a time where I’ve gotten up to 10 messages per day and now there’ll be weeks or whole months without any. So maybe it’s time to retire this blog altogether?! I’m going to think about it for a while before making a decision but I have a feeling this blog might be moving towards being more of an archive than an ask-and-answer format.

The truth is that I have moved away from bi activism also in my offline life... which doesn’t mean I’m not still supporting the cause, but in my opinion there are currently more pressing issues and so all my activism energy is going into supporting Ukraine. I also noticed that whenever we do get a message here I have little motivation to answer it, frankly because I am annoyed at my own words and the repetition of it all. This is not at all meant to blame any of the people who message us, I know that to you it’s pressing and feels highly individual. I do want you to get the help and support that you need. But I’ve spent seven years of my life speaking about bisexuality and biphobia, on this blog but also a lot in public (meet-ups, interviews for magazines, podcasts, panels, meetings with politicians...). It’s a lot of the same old same old. I’ve grown tired and I want other people to step up and add their perspective because I don’t want to be seen as The Authority on bisexuality as if my opinions are law of the bi-land.

I’m not sure any of this makes sense to anyone other than me but I wanted to let you know what’s currently on my mind about this blog and I guess I’ll let you know later this summer if I’ve made a decision on how to move forward.

Maddie

#blog interna #about maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So, i’m a bi girl and I hate being the cliche of the sob story queer person who cries themself to sleep because they hate being queer, or rather the disruptions being queer causes in their life.

I constantly feel like i’ll need to choose between continuing my normal life and starting a new life in which I only hang out with queer people. Like once I come out on a larger scale someone will brand me like a cow and set me apart with the other queer people. Idk why but I can’t imagine my normal life coexisting with my queerness. I’m not entirely sure how most of my friends’ vision of me will change, even if I know they don’t have a problem with queer ppl in general and that I wouldn’t even be the first queer person they know. I have come out to a couple of them and they all reacted okay, only that my best friend thinks that i’m only attracted to women because I went out with a couple of guys and I didn’t find myself attracted to them in particular lol 😭

I think all of this terrifies me because I considered that regardless of my sexuality i’ll end up with a man in the end, because i’m very masc leaning and it’s also what will be easier for me, but I recently realised that I think I do want to have something with a woman at least once.

I’m very anxious regarding dating in general –even with men– because I find it hard to not think in the long-term even when I do want to be open to short-term relationships too. I logically know that not all relationships are started with marriage or living together in mind, but for some reason I find it hard not to think that way? So I feel like if I start dating a girl i’ll have to consider her a long term partner and i’m not comfortable with that but I do want to know what that’s like and i’m scared

I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this, I had a tough week.

I would recommend that you try to open up to people that you trust about your fears. I understand that you are afraid of how they will look at you once they know you are bi but don't you want them to see who you truly are? Right now you are keeping a part of yourself in the dark. I don't think your friends will suddenly think you are a totally different person - they will just see something new to add to the image they have of you.

You should also check if there are any queer resource centers in your region that you can go to. Maybe even specifically for young people. It might help you to talk to fellow queer people about this with the benefit of them being strangers = nothing to lose.

There's one sentence in your message that I want to comment on in particular which is "this terrifies me because I considered that regardless of my sexuality i’ll end up with a man in the end" - internalised biphobia can be a bitch at making it seem like the end of the world if you "end up with a man" but I'd like you to remember that part of bisexuality usually is attraction to men. And attraction is supposed to feel good. Being in love is supposed to feel good. Sex is supposed to feel good. So ideally if you are with a man you will WANT to be with him. The thought of "ending up with a man" as if that's somehow a failure of your queer existence is internalised biphobia! You're not less bi or queer for being into men and for dating them.

That being said, it's fine if you also want to explore your sexuality with women. You're allowed to do that. Try not to worry about who you will "end up with" and focus on what you want to do right now. Even if you already know you favour a long-term relationship over short-term or one-night-stands, you can focus on getting to know people NOW and not about when to make wedding arrangements.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I guess this is more of a question directed to both the runners of this blog and it's followers, but is it normal for bi people to have dreams of either the same or opposite gender?

So far, I've had 2 dreams with the same gender (I'm female). I don't want to go into details but they were pretty pleasant to say the least.

To be clear, this isn't about whether it's okay for me to enjoy them, but the main thing is if it's a normal to common occurrence for bi people.

Also for clarification, this is the anon who's bi with a preference for masc-presenting people and girls. At this point, I'm giving myself a name to better ID me, and it's going to be.... Dragon.

So yeah, and thanks for taking the time to answer this when you do.

- Dragon.

I am not aware that there's been any study on dream patterns in bisexual people and to be honest I think it would not give us any meaningful results. Some people have vivid dreams (sexual or not), other people don't dream much or at all. Some people can remember every detail, others forget the moment they wake up.

I would strongly recommend not to obsessively keep tabs on what genders you have sexual or romantic dreams of. I mean, if you remember your dreams that's all fine, it can be fun to try and analyse it. But dreams more often than not pretty much mean nothing. They are just a way for your brain to process things that happened during the day or things that are on your mind. So I guess, if you think about sex with women a lot it is more likely you will also dream about it, but whether you dream about it or not doesn't mean you are more or less bisexual.

Bi people are just normal human beings and I doubt that our dreams are somehow uniquely different to those of people with other sexual orientations. Like, I know straight people who had same-sex dreams and woke up thinking "what the fuck was that about???" so I really think what you dream can but does not have to be a reflection of your sexuality.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi! I want to thank you all so much for running this blog. You have given me advice in the past and listened to my queer-related meltdowns. You were there when my shame and anxiety threatened to consume me. I am now more comfortable with my identity, but I still have work to do to embrace it fully. If I feel doubts or fears about it, I read your blog and it helps me feel more secure in myself. Thank you for being so kind and inclusive. Your space here is so comforting and safe. Thank you!

Thanks for the kind words, I'm glad we could help you.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Is it a thing where you realize you’re bi months ago and then also have like no female crushes or the like? I’m like if I look at a woman’s body in a show, commercial, or online, I’m like “damn” and and all and sorta gawk at her body but otherwise I don’t really like…….. have female crushes and only want to have sex with a woman and the like…. Is that normal?

There is no right or wrong way to be bisexual. If your interest in women so far has mostly or only been sexual then that's fine. And for many people it's easier to "gawk" over celebrities or models because it's more superficial and distanced = you're not making yourself vulnerable by finding them hot. Is a safe and fun way to explore your sexuality, nothing wrong with that.

You do not need to prove anything by forcing any "real life" crushes that aren't really there. It's totally enough to just acknowledge that you're attracted to multiple genders in some way. But that attraction does not have to be equal or present at all times. Straight and gay people also don't always have a crush on someone. It's normal to go through times where you are not romantically and/or sexually interested in anyone in real life (even if you still enjoy looking at hot people on the internet).

And maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet. Putting pressure on yourself and setting up expectations won't help. Just try to chill and go on with your life, enjoy attractions as they come your way and don't try to squeeze yourself into some strict ideas of "what bisexual people have to be like" because that's not going to be healthy or comfortable.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im having terrible gender dysphoria recently, i feel like I'll never be enough of a man and i will have to die and be born again to be enough ever. Until now i was coping so well but im getting older and i see every single man being more of a man than I am and im trying so hard and i am never enough no matter what i do and and i really want to be masculine to see myself more masc and want people to see me as a man but there's always that message that goes like "we don't want you dead but you will never be a real man you will always be this other disgusting third thing" and i, i don't know, i haven't been able to start testosterone yet and sometimes feel it's my fault because i haven't tried hard enough and, i wish i could control this until i learn to make this better, how can I cope with gender dysphoria, internalised transphobia and simple everyday transphobia ? i know it's a difficult question, sorry for this, i hope you are doing good and im very sorry for this question

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with all of this. I can only imagine what it must be like. Unfortunately I don't think I am the right person to help you though. I'm cis and cannot personally relate to this experience. But maybe one of the other mods would like to add something.

All I can say is that I think you would probably benefit from contacting some resources specifically for trans people and/or some local queer support group that can give you advice on how to get the specific help and treatment that you might want in your area. The process of going on HRT and of medical transition or changing gender markers on legal documents is very so different depending on where you live so the best would be to ask someone local who has experience with it.

All I can say is that I'm pretty sure things will get better. It might seem very overwhelming but if you keep working on this and don't shy away from asking people for help then you can get to a place where you are more at peace with yourself and accept yourself.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

wondering if you have advice. this person i'm just getting to know constantly talks about being bi but presenting straight and worried about being in queer spaces because gay people look at them funny because......they present straight. and then they list off all the ways they present straight, which is also all the ways i present straight. and it's getting to the point where they're both being a martyr about it all AND ALSO like......shoving the biphobia onto me. i think the concept of being the right kind of queer is fucked up. full stop. but i also struggle with internalized biphobia and i don't know how to tell this person that unloading around me all the time is also chipping away at my self esteem. this person has reacted very badly when anyone implies they might be hurting someone else. i feel stuck

Yeah, my advice would be to put yourself first in this situation. And if there's no other way then cut this person out of life. That person clearly is hurting and projecting their own internalised biphobia onto you. And as much sympathy as I have with their situation, that sympathy ends when it starts harming others.

So if I were you I would tell this person compassionately that you are very sorry they feel that way, that you can relate to these fears but that this is called internalised biphobia and that it is their own responsibility to work on themselves to unlearn that. You could give them a resource for help (like you could recommend this blog for example) but for your own mental health you cannot keep being their venting point. And I would also absolutely mention that they are hurting you with this. They should know that, even if they cannot currently accept that and it makes them lash out. But just because they are in pain themselves doesn't mean that they are above consequences. Maybe it takes people cutting contact on them to realise that they really need to change something. If you like, you could also say that you are happy to get back in touch once they've worked this out but that currently this friendship is harming you and you need to take care of yourself.

And lastly, if it helps you at all (or if you want to forward it to the other person): the only reason some people think there is such a thing as "looking too straight to be queer" is due to stereotypes. You already said it: there's no right or wrong way to be queer. And once you stop thinking that only the ones with the stereotypical outfits are the real queers, then you realise that there are plenty of more queer people in the world than you thought. Anyone could be queer. Literally, you don't know unless they tell you. Your postman, the bus driver, the salesperson at the grocery store, your teacher, your neighbour... Anyone.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Wish y'all wouldn't only talk about fem bi men in jokes about getting pegged :/

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I don't usually do this kind of thing but oh well

I think I might have some kind of internalized biphobia. Like I know it's common for bi people to constantly question if they're actually straight or gay and these part few months I've been having a preference for women and questioning whether I have comphet, even though at times in the past I've questioned if I was straight. I might just have a preference for women tbh but idk it's all very confusing, do you have any advice?

It's true that this is something that many bisexuals go through at least once in their life. But I want to point out that it is absolutely possible to work through one's internalised biphobia and live a life where being bi is just one aspect of your sexuality that you are not bothered by or that doesn't cause you worries and self-doubt. It can be something very enjoyable that you just take as is without constantly overthinking.

And that's basically where my advice would lead to as well.... trying to learn to not overthink your attractions. Just feeling them as they happen and making the best of it. It's supposed to be fun and you don't owe anyone that you follow a certain narrative of being The Good Bisexual. Your sexuality is yours! So what if you call yourself bisexual but are having a phase where you strongly prefer women? If you still like to be bi then you're bi. Even if that phase lasts forever.

Just... try not to think of this label-issue as if it's an exam that you need to pass. Using a label to describe your sexual orientation is just a tool for communicating something and nobody should judge your for it or decide whether that's correct or not. If you're in a situation where you find it helpful to give your sexuality a name then pick whatever word you find the most helpful. That's your choice. But you don't need to overanalyse every little instance of attraction that ever happens to you in order to find ~the one true answer~.

If you want to look further into internalised biphobia I have some more tipps here.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I’m really struggling with my relationship to men. It kind of makes me want to cry because I know I like women romantically because I had to fight to prove that, and while I know I have the capacity to be attracted to men too, I hate myself because I’ve really been, and have always struggled with the fact that it’s really difficult for me to feel like I can be friends with men and it weirds me out so much. It might be because I didn’t grow up with any brothers or any male friends, really any friends at all. While the assumed relationship with women is platonic, I’ve always felt like I’ve had to assume that my positive feelings for men outside my family were romantic. I don’t know if this is just me or if this is a common problem among other bi girls. I’m scared that if I don’t assume our dynamic is romantic, they will anyway. I really don’t know how it to process it. I wish my attraction to men would fade away completely, but I know that’s not me. I really hate amatonormativity, and everything in the world that’s led me to thinking this way. Do you have any advice for how I as a bi girl can let myself be close friends with men?

I can't exactly relate to what you are describing and I'm not sure about how common or uncommon that is. Maybe if some of our followers have made similar experiences they can share that in the comments or an anon message.

That being said, I guess my advice would be for you to, yes, try and develop some platonic relationships with men in your life. You ask about "close friends" in particular but I'd argue that in order to become close friends you need to be not-close friends first. The closeness will come over time if it turns out you're a good friend-match. You might not vibe with every guy in the right way - just like you aren't immediately best friends with every woman.

Maybe you can meet some guys through a hobby of yours, maybe you have a school/class mate or a co-worker you can hang out with? I know there's the narrative that men "always" assume women are into them but that's not true. It is absolutely possible for men and women to be friends with each other. People who say otherwise are... well... I don't know, I just feel sad for them. I find it very enriching to be friends with people of various genders and as a bisexual that has never been a problem, despite my capacity to be attracted to multiple genders.

Are you sexually or romantically attracted to every man you see or know? Probably not. And likewise: men are not sexually or romantically attracted to every woman that they know. And not every man is a stupid fuckboy who complains about being "friendzoned". (Also, pro tip: even if you find someone sexually attractive that doesn't mean you have to act on it. You can STILL be just friends. One of my best friends is a very handsome guy but I have zero interest in being anything other than good friends. And vice versa.) So really, just... if you meet a guy and you want to be friends - say so. If you have a suspicion he might be pursuing some romantic interest then tell him that's not your vibe and you just want to be friends.

Lastly... I want to remind you that attraction it supposed to be fun, it's supposed to feel good. And if being attracted to men currently (or never) actually feels good for you then maybe take a step back from that, even if just for a bit. I'm not saying this to doubt your bisexuality. If you say you're bi then you're bi. But maybe you just need some time and space to ease into it and take some of the pressure out. I'm assuming that you're still pretty young and got plenty of time ahead of you. There's no rush.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Loving men is fun and good actually. Men can be soft and wonderful and caring and kind. My boyfriend has actually improved my life and I don’t get why I would feel bad for that. If I see any fellow bisexuals pull the whole “too bad I have my (yuck) boyfriend when I could have a good woman :((“ bs one more time I will scream.

Men are hot, they’re handsome, they’re pretty, they’re wonderful. They’re spectacular, they’re soft, they’re caring, they’re silly, their laughs are like music. Men give some of the warmest hugs, and the best snuggles. This goes for ALL men - yes, even the “fat” man you saw, even the punk guy with the tattoos and piercings, and men of color. Men are WONDERFUL. Men aren’t inherently violent, dangerous, angry animals. Can we please stop vilifying men and men who love men please?

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

For the longest time I was confused whether I was bi or lesbian. Eventually, I decided I was more comfortable with the bi label, sometimes I think if I identify as a lesbian it feels too "strict", like the label doesn't make me feel free, you know? But also, sometimes I think I'd be more comfortable marrying a woman, the thought feels a bit better. Can this be related to me actually being a lesbian or is it just that I'm afraid of men?

I really don't know, only you can figure that out. Both are possible explanations, I guess, or maybe you just have a romantic preference for women? Maybe internalised biphobia plays a part in this? Some bi people think they have to prove their queerness by liking their own gender more than others, for example. So maybe you are afraid that dating a man long-terms means you will lose your queer credibility?

I'm wondering though what you mean by "afraid of men"? Why did you jump straight to that as opposed to just "maybe I'm not really attracted to men"? Do you have any specific reason to be afraid of men (more so than normal nervousness about flirting with or dating any gender)? You don't have to dig out any trauma that you might have if you don't want, but I just find it odd and maybe that's something for you to think about because it strikes me as a rather extreme assessment. If you really have a fear of men that hinders you in your every day life or holds you back from pursuing a relationship you would actually like to have, then maybe talking to a mental health professional could help.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im really confused bc i thought i was aro but i think i felt some romantic attraction to a cis boy in my school and and he is really nice but i promised myself i would never date/kiss/etc cis people bc it would make me feel super uncomfortable and now i found out he is straight too which is worse but im still confused about wether or not this was romantic attraction because im very likely autistic and have trouble identifying my own feelings and understanding what's happening with the people around me, understanding what I actually want and don't want and knowing what's the right thing to do in certain moments and im confused really confused (this boy gave signals of being queer like: being friends with queer people, holding my hand, painting his nails, talking to me- im openly trans and some people just pretend i don't exist because of it, letting me brush his hair and idk this is more confusing, why is a cishet man doing those things ¿ it doesn't make sense in my mind but idk if he's happy like that I suppose we will just let him be) another thing to consider is that his brother was there when he said he was straight and his brother is always trying to make him "less weird " or something like that and he never says "no" to his brother, idk i think i don't actually care if he likes me back or not, because i would never feel comfortable anyway I've been wondering if i actually feel romantic attraction, if i actually not or if im frayrom(feeling romantic attraction when you barely know someone and then that attraction fades) or something, idk :[ i also have trouble with gender dysphoria because my teacher said some horrible things about me and i just said some other horrible transphobic things about myself in front of some classmates because of it and since then :[ idk i don't like this and i don't know what to do and when I have trouble with being queer in this world I always come to this blog to ask you because you seem to always know something, like a reliable queer teacher that will help you if you need it, sorry for this :[

Hi anon

I'm going to try to answer this but I'm not sure how much help I can be particularly about the 'are you experiencing romantic attraction' part since I'm aromantic and autistic as well so I don't really know what romantic attraction is either and am really bad at reading people so I can't really even properly suggest whether you're perhaps not aromantic after all or what this boy's interest in you may mean. Maybe someone else who does experience it can weigh in on that. Although I do think perhaps to some degree it doesn't really always matter that much, trying to neatly divide up and define and label everything. I do get that these things are confusing, that people in general actually are really confusing especially if you're neurodivergent, and sometimes we want to try to put labels on things as a way to try to make things that bit easier to understand but I think too sometimes you can get too caught up in worrying about 'am I this or am I actually that' when in reality I think our feelings and emotions aren't ever that neat and easy to define and pin down and put into organised little boxes, like there's always going to be a lot of overlap between 'friendship' and 'romance'; there are going to be things that people who are 'just' friends and people who are romantically involved with each other both do. I understand the importance of labels to many people of course but I do think sometimes people feel like they have to rush to put a neat precise label onto themselves and it's this huge deal to pick the right one as soon as possible because they'll be stuck with it forever then and then sometimes they start to think actually they picked the wrong one and that really confuses and stresses them out, when it doesn't actually matter, if you try out and discard several labels before you find the right one. It's fine to question, it's fine to try things out and experiment with labels and throw away the ones that don't work, it's fine too if something fits you to start with but then something about you changes and that original thing doesn't fit you any more. It may be really confusing but really it's no big deal particularly not in the grand scheme of things - people make mistakes, or people change, that's just life really, that's how we grow and develop, and ultimately labels are there to be used only if you find them helpful and useful to you, so frayromantic for instance; maybe you are or maybe you aren't but if you decide that you are you still don't have to use that label for yourself if you don't really find it helpful to you.

When it comes to the idea of dating or kissing or whatever with cis people, I do get being wary of cis people in general because so much bigotry and hate does come from cis people but I do feel more like personally if it did come to considering having a close relationship of some sort with someone I would have to judge people as individuals not as a whole (because honestly there are many cis people who are amazing, accepting and knowledgeable [about trans issues] trans allies and there are trans people who are very bigoted and hateful even towards other trans people so... I'm not saying you not wanting to do anything 'intimate' with cis people is wrong by the way, if that's how you still feel that's totally understandable, but like with the labels, if you want to change your mind about that that's fine too; you're allowed to break that promise to yourself if you want to).

The straight thing or the issue of sexuality in general would be more the part that could be an issue for me and I can see more where your discomfort with that part of someone might come from because presumably it may imply if he is attracted to you he's not perceiving you as your actual gender. I think perhaps if you reach a point where you do feel that maybe you are attracted to each other in some sort of maybe romantic way and you want to pursue some sort of 'romantic' relationship with him, that would be something you would need to talk over between you so you both know better where you stand on things like is there a possibility he isn't actually straight after all? How does he actually view your gender and is he accepting of what your gender truly is? Would you be comfortable dating a straight person when them being straight may effectively be misgendering you? If not would he be prepared to change the way he labels his sexuality to avoid misgendering you? Though if you absolutely don't want a more 'intimate' relationship with this guy then these things probably don't matter so much and it's probably not something you do need to be worrying about too much.

Also of course it is possible this guy isn't actually straight after all, or is at least questioning his sexuality, though I don't think that things like painting his nails is inherently a queer thing, maybe it's just an alternative fashion type thing. But if perhaps he is at least questioning his own sexuality that could be another reason why he likes hanging out with you and other queer people, because as well as just enjoying being friends with you he feels safer with you.

I'm afraid I don't really know anything about frayromanticism so maybe you need to search for more frayromantic people and see if their experiences seem to match yours.

I will also point out though that being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean never having a 'romantic' relationship since attraction (or lack of) and actions are different things. I mean don't let yourself get pushed into things you genuinely don't want to do or be rushed into things you think you might like but are still unsure about but if you like someone and they seem to like you, maybe you'd still want to do certain things with them even if you're not actually romantically attracted to them, maybe you just enjoy holding hands/kissing/going on dates/whatever and that wouldn't inherently/automatically mean you're not actually aromantic, and so long as you're properly communicating with each other about your feelings and your boundaries and everything that's fine. (But of course it's fine if you never want to date/kiss/have sex with/whatever else with anyone else too.)

I am sorry for what you've been through with the teacher. I don't know what your exact situation is i.e. what country or culture you're in and what kind of support network (i.e. family, other friends, local queer organisations, doctors or therapists etc who can help you in 'real life' with your gender dysphoria, etc) you have and I don't know whether a teacher behaving like that would be illegal or at least broadly condemned by society or whether it would be just accepted or ignored by most people but I think their behaviour is something you should seek help and advice with from someone who is better placed to do something about that, and ideally an official complaint about this teacher should be made to someone higher up than them if that is possible for you (or someone acting on your behalf) to do. Whether it's related to something like their queerness or not, a teacher making horrible remarks about a student is a cruel and despicable thing for them to do, it is bullying and they should be punished for that and ideally you shouldn't have to have them as a teacher any more. If there isn't any real way out of that situation though please try to ignore them; try not to take to heart the things this teacher said; try not to internalise their hatred and prejudices because they are wrong and you are so much better than that teacher is. I do hope there is a way out of that situation though and also that you can start to figure things out about your attraction a bit more soon.

Tiger

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi! I just wanted to come in and say thank you. I think the last time i messaged this blog, i was 14, or something like that. I'm 19 now, turning 20 here in a few months. Reaching the half a decade mark of getting past things has had me thinking a bit. And i just want to thank this blog, and especially Maddie. You helped me out of a few of the most abusive situation I've been in within my life, being the first adult around me that told me the equivalent of "yeah, that's weird." If it weren't for you, I'm not sure how much longer it would've taken me to get out of the situations i was in. I hope this isn't a weird ask to recieve, and i hope it makes sense. It just means a lot to me, and i wanted to thank you, and let you know that you've at least greatly helped someone.

This is very touching. Thank you so much for sending this message, that's very sweet. And I'm glad that you're in a better place now.

But also.... Are you telling me this blog has existed for more than five years? 😳 That just blew my mind. It's correct but... I had never considered that people who were young teenagers once when they messaged us are now adults wtf???? (I'm aware I sound like a grandma...)

Maddie

#yeah... so... #i think i was... 25? 26? when i started this blog #I'm 33 now #fucking hell #i feel old #still keeping it around but I'm glad #that it's not nearly as busy here anymore as it used to

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

My question is: should i select the “bisexual” option on tinder? I think that you can make it visible or not (I don’t even have a profile yet). If I do, I won’t probably make it visible because it makes me uncomfy.

The thing is that I haven’t been in a relationship yet (not even a FWB situation or a hookup) and I want my first experience of the sort to be with a man. I know that it’s a whim and that i’m limiting my options but that’s what I want at the moment. On the other hand, i’m really curious about women and how it’d be like to date and have sex with one (especially the latter) . If I could transport myself to a magical realm where nothing I do affects my real life i’d definitely try it, but i’m scared to because im afraid of how that actually would affect my life. Who would find out? Would my parents know somehow? My extended family? I know i’m being paranoid but I can’t help worrying about that sometimes.

I have come out as bi to some friends, but the truth is that i’m not really sure I actually am. I’m between bicurious and heteroflexible (which im aware its also bisexuality, but still). Should I choose the bisexual label once I create my profile or choose straight for the moment? (I’m also afraid that I look too straight for queer girls to like me but that’s another unrelated issue)

I never used tinder so I'm not sure about the options there. Is it possible to hide the label but still select which gender(s) you are interested in without having that be displayed?

But anyway... Do what you think you need to do to stay safe. If you think there's a reasonable chance someone you know could find your profile and see that you're bisexual and you do NOT want that then don't use the label there. And if you're looking for men anyway for now then go for "straight" if tinder forces you to display a label.

There's also apps specially for queer women. I guess the risk of someone finding you there whom you would not like to find you there are smaller?! Though obviously not zero. But if you want, you could use multiple apps for not - tinder for meeting men and something else for meeting women.

I'd also like to say that what you put in parenthesis is internalised biphobia. Sure, some queer people look a certain way but there's at least as many (if not more) that do not dress in a stereotypical queer way. Especially people who are closeted. But that does not mean that whatever you look like will automatically not appeal to queer women. Queer people are not a monolith. We like different styles and looks (for ourselves and for potential partners). You will most certainly be someone's type. No matter how "straight" (you think) you look! Think about how invisible bisexuality is and then consider how many people that you cross paths with in a day might actually be queer. You often cannot know from a single glance. Some of those straight-looking people might very well be bi or gay. So "looking straight" (whatever that even means) doesn't mean you're any less queer or that another queer person will not be attracted to you.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi, before sending my ask i’d like to tell the anon talking about being scared of “ending up” with a woman and the one that wonders if being bi relates to having doubts about your gender: I feel you 100%. I asked myself those same questions and pretty sure i also sent an ask about the first one. Regarding the second question: I ended up still identifying as a woman only because it’s the label that’s “easier” to me, and by exploring my gender identity I actually discovered things I liked and took for granted about being a girl. To people I trust and know they’re already familiar with queer terminology I might say that i’m a genderqueer girl, acknowledging that “offness” that I feel about my gender (and that may be influenced by being bi). I don’t know if they’ll read this but maybe other people who relate will – 👾

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sure it'll help someone reading it.

Maddie