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mollymauk-teafleak · 5 years

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the one who blooms in the bitter snow (final part)

Oh my god have I dragged this out. Sincerest apologies on how long this happy ending took to get here

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Caduceus often talked to things that couldn’t talk back. He talked to his plants, encouraging them through the winter and complimenting them on their leaves and shoots. He talked to the army of mismatched mugs he used in his cafe, admonishing any who spilled things or who strayed from their intended arrangement on the shelves that made sense only to Caduceus. He talked to the clouds in the sky, thanking them for much needed rain. He talked to the insects that visited his cemetery, any worms found on the path that he would gently pick up and promise to see safely back to the soil, any bees that roamed the flowering plants, even any lizards he found sunning themselves in the rockery.

He didn’t say anything wrong with talking to things that could give no reply. It wasn’t as if such a minor detail meant such things couldn’t listen. Often, in fact, he thought it made them much better listeners than anything with a voice box.

However, one thing he hadn’t ever really found himself doing was talking to the dead.

It would have made sense, as much as talking to rotting corpses beneath the ground could ever make sense. Caduceus was surrounded by them every day, after all, a patchwork family of people all united only by the fact that the Blooming Grove had become their final resting place. He tended them, wreathed them in wilderness, watched over their loved ones in his cafe whenever they would come to visit them. Keeping them safe was the calling he’d chosen. But he never spoke to them.

Perhaps he’d just come to the quiet conclusion that the dead were past caring about his words. They’d left the cares of the living world behind them and nattering on to them about it would spoil the reverence they deserved, interrupt the sleep they’d earned.

They were the Wildmother’s now, after all.

But now Caduceus found himself with a pressing need to cross that line he’d set for himself. He needed to talk to one of his residents, whether they replied or not.

And he got the feeling they would want to hear from him just as desperately.

Caduceus had to smile weakly at the surname, however nervous he was.

Tealeaf. How appropriate.

He cleared his throat awkwardly and sat cross legged at the foot of the grave. It had been there long enough for the grass to grow back over the turned earth, as lush and tall as everything that surrounded it but it was still clearly one of the newer ones. The stone wasn’t yet weathered by time, perfectly readable, still cool grey marble that shone faintly in the morning light.

Mollymauk Tealeaf. Beloved husband and father.

No date. That was passing strange. Though maybe seeing the scant handful of decades Molly had been allowed when he should have had so much more time to be a father, time to be a husband, would just be too painful.

The insignia of the Moonweaver was artfully carved below the short epitaph, a sign that was rarely seen in the graveyard. Of course, godly symbols were on nearly every headstone but it was always the more common, more acceptable gods. The All Hammer, the Raven Queen, the Dawnfather; dependable, parental gods that people wanted to guard them through their lives and walk with their loved ones into the next realm.

The Moonweaver was light, love, laughter, frivolity. Did she feel lost in a place like this?

Caduceus cleared his throat, unsure how to start. He had the depressing realisation that even in a conversation with a dead man, he was still on the back foot in terms of social skills.

“I...I’m not sure how you feel about me, Mr Tealeaf,” he eventually sighed, “I don’t think I could blame you for hating me. Resenting me, at least. You know the kind of thoughts I’ve had about Caleb.”

Habit made him pause, though he knew he’d get no reply. So he just sat silently with his guilt for a heartbeat.

“But...I think you’d agree he wasn’t coping well before I met him. I know that must break your heart. Same as it breaks mine.”

The wind picked up a little, a mournful sound through the trees up above.

“I can’t lie and say I don’t have feelings for him. But the last thing I want to do is hurt him more or… or push him into something he isn’t ready for. And… if I thought my loving him would do that, I would have stopped immediately. But something tells me he...he could...I mean we could…” Caduceus spluttered to a stop, giving up with a heavy sigh, “But after last night… I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m just sitting here talking to the wind, telling myself what I want to hear.”

He felt tears sting his eyes and blinked quickly to try and clear them, “I don’t want to feel wrong for loving someone. He’s yours, Molly, he will always be yours but couldn’t I just… look after him? Until he goes to join you? Just a turn…”

His voice choked off and he had to swallow hard to get the next words out.

“Am I wrong to want that?”

The wind died down and Caduceus was left with next to silence. He felt a tiredness crash over him, so deep and heavy, that for a long moment he felt certain he was just going to curl up on the ground and cry for a little while.

What distracted him was a bird call. It was shrill and sudden, like nothing normally heard in the gardens and Caduceus knew the names of every bird who visited the Blooming Grove throughout the year. He tried to place it but it only rang out the once. There was something almost exotic about it, something unusual. Caduceus thought for a moment, considering all the birds he knew. It was almost like a cockatiel or a parrot or maybe even a peacock.

He frowned. What on earth would a peacock be doing in his graveyard?

He stood up, brushing himself off. He knew he should do a round, just in case someone’s exotic pet bird had escaped and needed to be brought back home.

Anyway, it was clear Mollymauk Tealeaf had nothing to say to him.

Caduceus rarely wore any kind of coat, his fur kept him plenty warm, but the weather had grown so cold recently that he’d dug out the fleece lined, faded, patched coat he kept in reserve for the days when the city froze solid and there was ice on the pavements.

Despite the closed sign on the door, it was warm inside the cafe. Caduceus felt ever so slightly better once the cold leached out of the tips of his ears and the very end of his nose, replaced by the gentle music, the warmth, the scents of caffeine and sugar that he knew so well. It wouldn’t fix things, he knew that, but it gave him the sense that he’d entered somewhere safe.

Sighing softly, Caduceus shrugged out of his coat and made to hang it on the hooks by the door, all of them charmingly mismatched as everything was in here. The hooks that should be empty, seeing as he’d had no customers since the day before yesterday.

But it wasn’t.

Caleb’s scarf was hanging on the furthermost hook, looking sad and bedraggled after being soaked through in yesterday afternoon’s rain and drying out in the air.

It must have been hung up there as Caleb had stripped down, set aside from the rest of his clothes, forgotten in his hurried flight from the cafe.

Caduceus let out a long, tired exhale, trying to accept this new information without bitterness or resentment, without exasperation or anger at something he couldn’t change.

But gods above, it was hard.

He was nowhere near ready to face him again. Since everything that had happened, less than twenty four hours ago, he wasn’t even sure Caleb would want to see him ever again, he certainly didn’t look the type to face up to an awkward situation, more the bolting and hiding like a frightened animal type. And he had no clue what he himself wanted.

All he knew right now was that the thought of Caleb without his scarf, without the thing he clung onto tightly when he couldn’t cling onto the person he’d lost, broke his heart. And he had to fix it.

Above all else, Caduceus was a fixer. Even when it meant risking his own feelings.

“Are we gonna go to the cafe today?”

Caleb looked up from stroking his neck sadly, feeling the horrible, gnawing absence of his scarf, and tried to focus on his son, sat on the carpet with a picture book.

“No, liebling, I don’t think so. It’s...it’s so cold out,” he said awkwardly, tripping over the lie.

Trinket frowned, plucking at the pages of his book, “But we go on Fridays. We go after school.”

His little boy was fiercely attached to patterns and routine, just like Caleb himself.

“I know, Trinket,” Caleb struggled to muster the energy to mollify him, curled up tightly on the sofa, feeling lost and disconnected, “Papa’s just not really feeling it today, okay?”

Trinket paused at that, looking at him with familiar, wide red eyes that would never fail to shake his papa to the core when he saw them. Leaving his picture book behind, he pattered up and hugged Caleb’s leg tightly, the one that was dangling listlessly over the edge of the sofa.

“It’s okay, papa,” he said, voice muffled by Caleb’s pant leg, “Its okay to have a sad day.”

Caleb often thought his son was magic. Not in the way his papa was- not yet- but magic in his own way where he could make the world seem like it wasn’t ending.

Trying not to cry because then the floodgates would open and he’d truly be in trouble, Caleb ruffled those purple curls and smiled shakily, “I love you, Trinket. You know that, right?”

He smiled brightly, “Sure! I know! I’m gonna go play with my legos, papa, okay?”

Caleb nodded fondly, his son had been obsessed with building things and quickly destroying them for a good few weeks now, “Sure. Call me when you’re done and I’ll help you clear them away.”

Happy with that, Trinket scampered off, probably already imagining himself crashing through newly constructed towers like a lavender godzilla. Caleb watched him go, a tender smile on his face until he disappeared from view, when it slid off his face.

He felt like all he did these days was wait for 3pm. Like as soon as he waved goodbye to Trinket at the school gate everything froze and went into stasis, everything straining towards that hour where he could go back and have Trinket by his side again. He knew he adored school, he knew he was safe there.

He knew he was crazy to feel this way.

But it didn’t stop the feelings.

Caleb told himself every morning at a quarter to nine that he shouldn’t be doing this. It was far too much to put onto his young son, it was unhealthy, it was unfair. He deserved a life of his own, Trinket needed him to have it too.

But every time Caleb thought it, he thought it in Caduceus’ voice. And, since he’d messed up so badly yesterday, that was a problem.

He had messed up. He’d messed up more spectacularly than he’d ever messed up before which was really saying something for Caleb. He’d hurt the first person in years who’d made him even begin to think that he could be loved again in that kind of way.

He’d always suspected that Molly was a chance in a million, some high level miracle. Actually finding someone so wonderful, someone who could see some good in him. But then it had actually happened again, when he needed it most.

And both times he’d completely ruined it.

He’d lost Molly. He’d lost Caduceus. He’d lost his scarf which, he knew was silly, but it felt like the first loss all over again. Though maybe it was a fitting sacrifice for what he’d done.

How many precious things could he lose before he was just deemed too careless to live? How long until whatever curse he had infected Trinket?

Caleb could almost feel all the progress he’d made in the last few weeks unravelling like a trailing thread he’d worried far too much falling into nothing. He sat there and rocked gently, trying to take in deep breaths and stay in the room but it was getting increasingly difficult.

Especially when a knock came at the door.

Trinket didn’t hear it, he was behind his bedroom door, singing loudly to himself, a happy little nonsense song he’d clearly just made up to amuse himself. So Caleb forced himself to stand and go to the door, mentally slapping himself, telling himself to get a grip.

All that went out of the window when he opened the door and saw Caduceus.

“You’re...you’re here,” Caleb said dumbly, throat feeling numb like he’d just swallowed a mouthful of ice water.

“I’m here,” Caduceus returned awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot.

There were snowflakes melting in his hair. When had it started to snow?

“I didn’t think…I mean, I didn’t expect you to ever…” the starts of sentences crowded in Caleb’s mouth, none of them accompanied by ends. He didn’t want to sound whiney, he didn’t want to sound like Caduceus was wrong to be mad at him.

“You didn’t think I’d want to see you again?” Caduceus finished it for him, tilting his head to one side.

“Yeah,” Caleb bit his lip, feeling his cheeks burn despite the cold air sweeping into the apartment alongside Cad.

“Of course you did,” the firbolg said quietly, “You’re you.”

Caleb didn’t know what to say to that, he just kind of took hold of it like a present he hadn’t been expecting.

“I brought your scarf back,” he produced it from one pocket, carefully folded and clearly having just come through the dryer, back to full fluffiness, “You must have left it yesterday.”

Caleb felt a rush of relief, a compulsion to gather it into his arms and clutch it to his chest, inhale the scent of vanilla and anise that wasn’t there anymore but he could imagine it was.

And then he felt guilty.

Was he going to spend the rest of his life chasing after things he could only half remember rather than seeing what was in front of him?

“Thank you, Caduceus,” he murmured, “I really, really appreciate it.”

That brought a smile from the firbolg, even if it was a little strained at the edges, “Yeah… I guess I also came over because I was hoping we could talk?”

Caleb nodded, thinking anxiously of Trinket but he could explain to him that Caduceus was here for a visit. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been here before, dropping off homemade baked goods or little gifts like the scent bags that had soothed his anxiety so well and helped Trinket with his bad dreams. Trinket had always been happy to see him before, showing him whatever he’d built that day, showing him the art project he’d made at school from the leaves they’d gathered together at the Blooming Grove.

Caduceus was always so soft and gentle with Trinket. He always seemed to know just what to say, to answer his million a minute questions, to soothe him when he stumbled into some uncertainty, to make him giggle so hard he had to sit down. Caduceus was exactly the kind of caregiver Caleb wanted to be. He was exactly who Trinket deserved.

“Can I get you a drink?” Caleb asked as Caduceus sat on the sofa, holding himself a little stiffly like he wasn’t sure where to put his gangly limbs.

“Um…sure?”

Caleb let himself sink into a kind of automation as he got cups, boiled water, found teabags from the collection that had been growing ever since Caduceus had come into his life. But then there were soft billows of scented steam to breathe in and he woke up again, reminding himself to be present. Caduceus deserved better than that. And maybe he did too.

“Here,” he passed one mug to Caduceus, slightly regretting that it was patterned with badly faded cartoon characters but their selection wasn’t great, “I, um, I used the cinnamon tea you gave me yesterday. You were just out in the snow and I don’t want you to get sick.”

The smile was more genuine this time, warmer, like the starting embers of a fire, “Thank you, Caleb. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

He nodded, sitting down beside him, hands curled around his own cup to stop them shaking. There was a long moment of silence, as they both sat and remembered another evening much like this one. Eventually Caleb opened his mouth but Caduceus got there first, spilling his words out like he couldn’t bear to hold them inside himself any more.

“Caleb, I…if I made you feel pressured yesterday or…or I pushed you into kissing me in any way, I’m so sorry…”

Caleb blinked for a second and then found himself laughing, “And you were so sure I’d be torturing myself…”

Caduceus’ ears flattened and he chuckled uncertainly which Caleb took to be the fur covered individual’s way of blushing, “Well, we can both be as bad as each other.”

“I kissed you, Caduceus,” Caleb shook his head, “It was my choice. And… I know how it ended and I wouldn’t blame you for not trusting me but it really was you I wanted to kiss. I promise.”

“Really?” Caduceus fixed him with dark, wet eyes. The doubt stung a little but of course, he knew he deserved it.

“Really,” he nodded firmly, “You’ve been so good to me, to Trinket. You’ve made one of the hardest times in my life feel… bearable.”

Caduceus only nodded, a crease of concern appearing between his eyes. He simply waited for Caleb to say more.

Caleb looked down into his drink, “I thought time was supposed to heal me, I thought it was supposed to make it easier. But the further away I get from losing him, the more part of me holds on. It’s like I don’t want the pain to go because then… then I really will have nothing left of him.”

“When you’ve felt a certain way for so long, it’s hard to let go of it,” Caduceus said slowly, thoughtfully, “Because then you don’t know what would be left if you took that part of yourself away.”

Caleb nodded, “Exactly. And… and it was the same when I started having feelings for you. That would mean letting go of at least some of my grief and stepping into uncertainty. And the idea terrifies me.”

Caduceus gave a soft sigh, “I would never ask you to abandon your grief, Caleb. It’s important that you always mourn Mollymauk. All I want is for you to have something happy alongside that.”

Caleb felt his lower lip wobbling dangerously, “I want that. I really want that, Cad.”

The words made an old, angry guilt twist inside him but it was a relief as well. And as the seconds went by, as he realised the truth of what he’d just said, the guilt lost its fury. It lost its anger. It shrank a little, the slightest, smallest amount into something that couldn’t be ignored but could at least be carried.

“We can go as slow as you need to, Caleb,” Caduceus’ voice was tender and he leant forward, looking like he was itching to hold him and press him close.

But he didn’t close the gap between them. And he never would, not until he knew Caleb was completely okay. Years could and would pass between them and Caduceus would never lose that respect for him.

So Caleb took the front of his moss green shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. And he would, time and time again.

Though, a hair’s breadth after their lips met there came the sound of a muffled but still loud crash from Trinket’s bedroom, followed by a loud excited whooping from the young boy.

“Oh dear…” Caleb murmured anxiously, eyes on the door. Though whether he meant the crash and the inevitable mess it had led to or the realisation that he would have to explain to Trinket why Caduceus was here and why he was kissing him, he wasn’t sure.

Caduceus seemed to read his mind, those dark eyes always seeing more than what was in front of them, “Caleb, if you’re happy, I’m sure he won’t mind. He’s a smart kid. After all, he’s yours.”

Caleb had to laugh softly at that, blushing a little. It was true, he could compliment his son to the stars and often miss the fact that most of the things he was praising were inherited from him. But the depths of kindness he almost couldn’t fathom, the understanding and gentleness that was going to make him delighted that his papa had found someone new to love, that was all Mollymauk.

And as long as Caleb had Trinket, Molly would never be gone.

#clayleb #modern au #widower caleb #oc baby #fluff #hurt/comfort #please leave a comment!

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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*Following the trend and re-taking and responding to my very first survey on here from December 2014...SIX years ago!*

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Sigh. Very much so. <<< Wow, that was when I was all in love Joseph. I’ve long since moved on.

What did you do yesterday? I’ve been on break for the past week and I can honestly say I haven’t really done anything. It’s been kinda nice. <<< Back when I was in school and doing something with my life and had breaks to look forward to. Now I’ve been on break since 2015 and doing absolutely nothing. Anyway, yesterday I slept in past 3PM, had my coffee, checked social medias, played Animal Crossing, watched a few episodes of The Gilmore Girls, had dinner and chilled with my mom the rest of the night while watching another special on the ID channel (they’re doing a different one every night all this week).

Something you really want right now? Hmm. I don’t really want anything at this exact moment. <<< I’d love for this hot, gross, miserable weather to go away and to just fast forward to autumn.

What were you doing an hour ago? Making this side blog. <<< Awww, can’t believe I’ve had it for six years now. An hour ago I was scrolling through Tumblr and listening to ASMR.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you? Nahh. I’m not revengeful. <<< Yeah, I’ve never been a vengeful person.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Nope. <<< Yes.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Sighhhh. It’s been like two years since I’ve kissed anyone. I feel so deprived of any affection. The situation with me and ~him is complicated. Isn’t it always? <<< Ohhh boy, it most certainly was. Ha, if I felt deprived then imagine six years later.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Yep. Right this very second. I more than like him at this point, but like I said. It’s complicated. <<< It was such a mess. I don’t know why I allowed it to go on as long as it did. :/ I should have known nothing was going to change. Since that time with Joseph, I fell in love with Ty and I thought that was actually going to lead to something, but surprise, surprise it did not.

Would you ever get a tattoo? I want to. I’m just a big ol’ baby. <<< Yep, still am. I highly doubt I’ll ever get it done.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? HA. That’s funny. <<< *Spongebob transition thing: Six. Years. Later.* Still single!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Uhh. Probs my mom yesterday when she called from work. <<< My mom yesterday when she called from the store.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My brother. <<< Yep.

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Coffee with Amanda. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done. Hopefully! <<< Omggg, back when I had friends and actually did stuff! ha. And aww, Christmas shopping. Wow, going out and doing things back when we weren’t going through a worldwide pandemic. Presently, I don’t have any plans for tomorrow.

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? Not recently, but yes a friendship has ended that I wish had not. <<< All my friendships ended a few years ago...

What are you listening to right now? Hey Arnold. <<< An ASMR video.

What happened at 9:00 am today? It hasn’t been 9am yet, but I imagine my ass will be on the couch scrolling through Tumblr and watching tv. Exciting stuff, guys. <<< Ha, you won’t catch my ass up at 9AM anymore. I’ll be sleeping.

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? Yes. I put my heart on the line and they walked away. Awesome. <<< Yepppp. Twice.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Nooo. <<< Just on the cheek.

Do you and your last ex hate each other? Nah. We don’t talk, but there’s no hard feelings. <<< Same.

What are you afraid of? Life. Death. <<< That sums it up quite well. Short and precise.

When was the last time you were sick? Always. <<< True. I’ve also been getting this gross nauseous feeling that comes and goes that hits at random. As for a virus or something of that sort, I had a cold back in April.

Are you one of those people who are always cold? No. Although, I am right now. <<< Nooo, definitely not. I’m someone who seems to be hot a lot of the time. Like now. I wish I was cold.

Where are your biological parents? In their room. Sleeping. <<< That’s where they are now, too. I swear they haven’t been there since then. ha.

Do you have any summer plans yet? I wish. It’s still awhile away, though. It could change. <<< There won’t be any summer plans this year.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? On food. Always. <<< I don’t spend much on food anymore, actually. I’ve gotten better about my online shopping, too. I’ve been better at saving money these days than I used to be.

Last thing that you said out loud? “Goodnight, Jon.” <<< “Goodnight.” I’ve pretty much always done my surveys at night, so.

Do you have trust issues? It’s not really trust issues. I just have a hard time opening up in general. <<< Still have that problem. I keep a lot to myself. I’m not at all open like I am on here.

Do you think this year will be better than the last? This year is just about over, which is crazy. I always hope the next year will be better, but there’s always something. <<< Omg. This survey was done in 2014. The next year I graduated UC and shortly after that is when things started going downhill. :/

What are you doing? This pretty much. My tv is on, but it’s background noise. <<< Same, but I’m also listening to an ASMR video.

Are you a jealous person? Yes, but not like psycho jealous. You probably wouldn’t even know it. <<< Yeah. I haven’t felt jealous in a longgg time, though.

Do you think age matters in relationships? Well, yes. To an extent. <<< Yep.

When was the last time you got a haircut? I think maybe back in July. Or a little before then. I’m trying to grow out my hair now. I’m over short hair. <<< My hair was so short then, but now it’s down to my butt! I just got a couple inches cut off back in February.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Tons of people. <<< Yep.

Who is the last person you rode in a car with? Mom & brother. <<< My brother.

What is one thing you’d love to happen tomorrow? I’d like to get more Christmas shopping done. My plans for that are still up in the air. I can’t believe Christmas is already next week like wth??? That went by SO FAST. <<< Uhhh, perhaps get Wingstop for dinner.

Did you sing at all today? Yes. <<< Not so far.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? My mom. <<< Yeah, that hasn’t changed.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? In bed asleep. <<< Right here in bed, probably reading for a bit.

Are there any stressful situations in your life? A few. <<< A lot.

Are your lips chapped at the moment? Nope I’m good thanks for asking. <<< Ugh, yes. I keep licking them because I have fans blowing on me all day.

When you met the person you now love, what happened?: Uh well we met through a mutual. Nothing happened right away. He pursued me first after awhile, but I wasn’t interested initially. Boy did that change. <<< I don’t understand why he did that. He was never interested in really pursuing anything with me, but sure made me think that and I fell for him. He knew how I felt about him and he kept playing me. ANYWAY, I don’t currently love anyone in the romantic sense.

Did you realize anything today?: No, but it’s early. <<< Not so far.

What do you need right now?: Sleep probably. <<< Yeah, I definitely need that.

What’s your favorite food?: Mongolian BBQ. <<< Man, I was obSESSED with Mongolian BBQ for the longest. I miss that. D: I can’t eat spicy food anymore, sadly. Ugh, it was SO good. My favorite food now is garlic parm and lemon pepper wings from Wingstop.

How are you feeling today?: Just kind of whatever. It’s 1 in the morning. <<< Hot and tired and blah.

What is your biggest fear?: Life and death. <<< We went over this already in this survey...

Describe your looks to us: Ugly? Ha. I don’t know. Look at my avatar. <<< Yeah, look at my avatar.

Have you ever woke up next to someone and wanted to puke? UH no I can honestly say I have not. <<< Nope, thankfully.

What are you listening to right now? Degrassi. <<< An ASMR video still.

Are you afraid of death? Very. <<< Yes.

Do you open up to people easily? No. It takes a lot. <<< I’m still that way. Even people I’m close with I still struggle with that.

Do you miss anyone? So very much. <<< There’s always a few loved ones I’ll miss that have passed away.

What are you going to do tomorrow? I feel like I’ve been asked this a billion times. <<< For real, we’ve been over this.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Noooo. <<< Yes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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havntednlost · 4 years

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The main problem: my mother.

Her and my social life.

She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").

She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.

What does not having friends has to do with my mother?

Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.

So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.

First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.

My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...

Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.

My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.

Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.

I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.

Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.

Middle school ends.

I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.

My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...

(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)

In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.

We move back to Naples.

I am now 14.

Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.

Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.

My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.

In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.

One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.

She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:

I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.

I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"

Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.

After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)

Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.

Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.

Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.

I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.

I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.

So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.

So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.

Second year of highschool.

My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.

I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.

dude: go to hell

me: awww where do you think i came from honey?

Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.

I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.

me: *wakes up*

mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).

September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.

Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.

Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.

"Tell me the truth"

I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.

"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."

It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).

bonus

me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*

mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.

also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*

Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.

We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.

So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.

Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.

No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.

#my mother is satan #i hate my mother #my parents are crazy #fuck my parents #fuck my family #depression #anxiety #no social life #i have no social life #i have no friends #it's all my mothers fault

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kurokonbscenarios · 7 years

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Personal Life

Okay, here’s the post I said I’ll make few days ago. It’s Sunday and after getting enough sleep and rest, though still not enough to actually make me feel like I should, but then again it’s also on me. Well...where should I begin...

I’m putting this under the cut as it’s gotten too long.. it’s also tagged for anyone with trigger warnings.

I’ll be honest with you. Last week was horrible. Plainly horrible. Some of you know I suffer from depression and most of you know the situation with my mom and brother, but I must say that the situation with them has loosened. Somehow it was also because brother is working most of the days (in company and some private work) while, of course, I was still at home. The “funny” thing was that my emotions and my self-worth only worsened on Saturday and Sunday. I avoided talking to anyone, shutting myself from everyone, but I still went out with my childhood friend on Saturday, who obviously saw that something was wrong. While I could tell her everything, I still kept it inside, because even if I’m asked about it, I won’t tell the truth. I’ll keep it to myself and won’t spill a word not even if someone promises me anything.

On Sunday, everything went to shit. I don’t know how or why, less alone when exactly, but even mom realized something wasn’t right, since she rarely asks me what’s wrong. And yes, depression apparently wanted to say “hello, my good, sweet, old friend” in a different way as most of the time I’ve felt empty and confused. I honestly don’t know, I just...it was the evening, timing similar to this, while I was listening to songs on youtube from and to and I just started how should I plan it. Yes, I was tempted to actually.....commit suicide last Sunday and one of my friends texted me and we talked and I said I was too tired with everything and she told me to go to sleep. I did, though before actually doing that I was still thinking on how and where. But then I had a thought “what if I fail?” and I chickened out, though it didn’t really hold me back from harming myself. Kind of funny and sad thing is that I wasn’t even upset at myself, I just wanted to feel the pain, but yes. I cried and I slept, both afraid and angry at and for myself because of all failures for jobs, quiting college, being lazy and just......me being one hell of a depressed young adult, who still doesn’t have her life solved out while people my age either have kids, enjoy their life or just being themselves.

But then Monday morning came and I was alive. Thinking, “what a shock” I got out of bed and acted like nothing was wrong, like just mere 12 hours before I wasn’t thinking about killing myself. I didn’t feel anything really, I was neither upset or happy for still being here, I was just...empty.

Throughout the day I was just....sitting in my bedroom, staring at the wall or laptop, doing nothing. Then I remembered another friend sent me a snap weeks ago, where a distant cousin of her was searching people for a bar. And I called. At first no one answered and someone I felt glad that no one did, so I could have a reason that I didn’t find a job. I can be such a coward sometimes, it’s rather funny. But then, nearly an hour later, I got a call back. And I answered. And I talked, said how I got the number and that I’m jobless and searching for a job. The man, second-in-charge, wanted me to come the same day, but I managed to ask for next day. And yeah.

Tuesday came and I went to bar, on a job, and I was so overwhelmed it still didn’t come to me until two days later, when I was already working alone. I had practice for mere two days and a half, mind I didn’t work in a bar ever before, it was my first time and I was scared shitless because I’m shy, quiet, easily embarrassed and not very social. And here I was, two and half days later, already working alone. The bar is small, but it can also be crowdy between 2 and 3pm with people coming from and going to work. It was also this very same day that I broke down on the way home on a bus. I was tired, first time ending alone, working only for four days in a bar and already with so much responsibility that I just couldn’t stop myself. It was so damn scary, because getting so much information made me break down.

On Saturday, yesterday, I was also working alone. From 7am till 1pm, I worked alone. I fucked up few times, but I managed. Yes I acted like I was fine, talked with customers, but standing on feet for so long? Bless all bartenders and waiters for doing the job and being flawless at it, cause while I did manage, whenever I ended, I was tempted to just quit. But I can’t really quit, can I?

And here we are. It’s Sunday here, almost 7pm and I got a call, asking if I can work tomorrow whole day, from 7am till 6pm. Being a gentle soul and sweet person I can’t say no even if you put gun against my head. I’m wondering again, what the fuck have I gotten myself into, because while the bar is small and people understanding and I know how to make coffee, I’m still....overwhelmed so much. Just one week ago, I was thinking of going, leaving this place, and two days later I got a job and yet here I am once again, thinking and wondering things I should stop. It’s funny how cruel your life is sometimes.

I honestly don’t know what to say anymore, really... On moments, I just want to leave everything behind and disappear and on other moments I just....I don’t know anymore.

If you managed to come this far and still stick with reading this post, thank you. I know you don’t care about my life or anything, but I just wanted you to know what’s been going on lately. I still have horrible mood swings, jumping from one hill to other, but here I am.

I’m sorry for the lack of updates, I’ll try to write some time soon. Again, thank you for taking your time and reading this long post.

#the admin is out #tw: suicide #tw: self-harm

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ambronite · 5 years

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3 Moments when Hanger Ruins Your Day and How to Avoid Them

Written by Simo T. Suoheimo

youtube

Have you ever had your day ruined by a sudden crash of mood or focus, caused by hanger - the irritating combination of hunger + anger?

Ever felt irritated for almost no reason, had difficulty thinking straight, or said something you wish you hadn’t because you were hangry? I certainly have.

Feeling hungry and angry is so common that you can spot a person possessed by this scourge from miles away (and maybe save that request you had on your mind for a more favorable time). Being hangry has become so common that it was recently added into the Oxford Dictionary, described as: "Bad-tempered or irritable as a result of hunger.“ To beat hanger permanently, I've found steps that I now follow regularly to stay on top of my game throughout my day (starting right after I wake up). In this video I’m sharing some insights into how and when hanger strikes, including what I do to conquer it and prevent it from ruining my day.

After watching the video, you’ll know how I defeated hanger for good. With a few simple moves, you can finally start enjoying your morning and afternoon hours with uninterrupted focus.

What I’m sharing is based on my own experience, science, and what our team has learned by helping thousands of people beat hanger permanently. Click on the video above to learn more!

What does HANGER feel like?

You’re sitting at your desk. It’s 3pm and that tired feeling starts to creep in.

The morning was great. Your head was bursting with ideas.

Over fresh coffee, you ticked off an overdue report off your todo list. At lunch, you felt you were on a roll.  "Nice."

Now, it's 3 hours since you had lunch and you have trouble keeping your eyes open.

You're hunching over your desk, but you're not getting ANYTHING done.

Clear thinking feels impossible.

"I still have work to do, but I can’t think straight..."   ...you think to yourself, and feel the anxiety and anger setting in.   Coffee makes you more stressed by spiking cortisol and anxiety through the roof.

"What’s happening?"

Fear not! With my team, we've talked to hundreds of people who have solved this problem with our tips. I'm going to share how.   We know this situation well through our own experience - also, because we've found ways to keep our own hanger at bay.   In fact, without these fast hanger fixes that work even when we feel lazy, we'd be one mob of hangry, grumpy school kids in the afternoon...

You've fallen prey to hanger and the brain chemical called Neuropeptide Y.

When nutrient and energy levels fall, it causes us to…

crave carb-rich foods (that only make it worse)

feel zero motivation for anything else but eating

feel angry and aggressive

lash out with no emotional control

Neuropeptide Y causes us to lose willpower.

It makes us grumpy, anxious and make worse decisions. Research shows that poor emotional regulation is not our friend, and we should NEVER make decisions when hungry.

In fact, many people don’t even take phone calls in this state, and for good reason.

When does hanger ruin your day?

According to research and what we’ve learned, most people experience hanger in 3 key moments that can ruin the rest of the day.

10 am in the morning.

Typically, after a poor, low nutrient density breakfast (or even skipping it entirely).

This is the time hanger hurts the most.

If you fall prey to hanger already in the early hours, it can ruin your willpower and productivity for the rest of the day.

3 pm, around 3 hours after lunch.

Think you’re safe from hanger because you just ate a big meal?

Wrong.

Research shows that those hanger-triggering blood sugar swings occur independent of calories. In fact, a meal lacking the right nutrients from plants, greens and whole foods is a recipe for hanger.

As is eating meals and snacks high in fast carbs and simple sugars.

On to the third moment:

6 pm, after leaving work or exercising

Hooray! It’s time congratulate yourself for a good day’s work and feel accomplished.

Instead, making your way back home, you feel upset and empty.

This is a common time to run out of nutrients and get hangry.

Positive stress has kept you going this far. Now it’s released, and your body’s hardwired alarm for low nutrient levels goes off.

And you DON’T want to bring that grumpy, agitated and moody version of you back home to your partner, kids or any social setting.

Carry an emergency hanger quenching snack in your bag, desk and car. Prepare a real food snack beforehand and carry it in your bag trough the day. When the clock reaches 5 pm, I can refuel with hunger quenching Whole Foods and replenish my nutrient levels and focus for a great evening.

How to avoid and beat hanger before it surprises you with my 10 + 4 Hanger Busting Tips

Morning and lunch

I boost my breakfast with nutrient rich whole foods, 20g protein and healthy fats.

General rule: I load up on nutrients before I run out and hanger strikes and any damage gets done. Otherwise, it’s too late!

I stock my bag, gym bag, car and even coat pockets with tasty whole food snacks I can fall back on in case of emergency

I eat the right combination of whole food nutrients with a focus on plants. I load up with leafy greens and veggies, a good fiber and protein source, together with a dose of healthy fats from a whole food source like walnuts, almonds or flax seeds for maximum sustained satiety.

Replenish regularly. You can even set a recurring calendar alarm with the note “Refuel now to avoid hanger!” if you feel you might forget to refuel in time.

I choose micronutrient dense foods with dark colours and avoid sugar and processed foods with ingredients that are not recognizable whole foods.

For quick hanger-busting on the go, I choose dark plants, walnuts, wasabi soybeans and almonds with some dried berries.

I double down on soluble fibre for lasting satiety. Oats and dried figs are rich in soluble fibre. Soluble fibers bind with fats, slow down the emptying of the stomach and provide a satisfied feeling. They also balance blood sugar and defend that balance from swings, providing lasting satiety for longer than other food combos.

Berries like dried cranberries and blueberries taste and work great: they’re high in plant nutrients, vitamins and anti-inflammatory compounds and also improve digestion.

If you’re having trouble eating in the morning, munch on a real food snack around 10 am before lunch.

Afternoon and evening

I enjoy a sizeable post-work and post-workout snack with sustained energy from low-GI carbs like oats, quality protein and lots of plant nutrients at around 300-400 kcal before heading home.

I munch on snack sized whole food bites: In addition to the ingredients on the Morning and Lunch list above, in the afternoon I often boost these whole veggies, like carrots, seeds, Brussel sprouts, broccoli and cauliflower chunks in snack sized bites.

I carry an emergency hanger quenching snack in my bag, desk and car. It’s invaluable to have these around to save the day. “In case of emergency, break glass.”

I’ve noticed that there’s no such thing as “refuelling too early”. I listen to my body, but make a note of replenishing nutrients in time, before I’m caught in the moment, flying on fumes. When you’re on the street or commuting, feeling hangry and surrounded by artificial crap, it’s already too late. You’ve lost the game. You increase the risk of poor hanger-induced choices and ruining the rest of your evening. Just when your loved ones deserve you at your best. So strike first!

In the next video: I’ll give you my hanger quenching recipe that’s healthier and more convenient than fast food.

#hanger #hunger #anger #tips #experience #focus #morning #afternoon #meal #snack #lunch #breakfast #dinner #realfood #balancedrealfoodoption

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inthemidstofthefire · 6 years

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Life is Crazy (and I’m only 20) My Breakup Story

Well man, let me tell ya life is crazy. Before I came to college I thought I had a pretty good idea of what life was, you have your routine, go to school, see friends, family, and eat. Maybe you take a vacation, fall in love but blah blah blah. But I had never been in love in high school. In fact, I never even liked anyone that much. Sure I kissed a few guys but things never went further and my crushes usually dissipated. Eventually, that small town life got boring, as it tends to when you grow up. So, I left. I applied to school in California, was luckily supported and allowed to go. So in 2015, I found myself here at an orientation meeting more new people than I had in my whole life! I loved it because, well, I’m a very social person. Freshman year was great, I had a fun group of friends, we went to fun parties and school wasn’t totally on my radar. My now ex, was. Matt and I first met as he brought another girl into his dorm, where I was hanging out. That girl was my friend and I was happy for her. I started hanging out with his roommates and alas we started a friendship. We ate a lot, smoked a lot, went to concerts. It was fun. Then it started to change, there was a lot of sexual tension, and one day before thanksgiving we made out. It progressed, we kept hooking up until, finally, we were kinda drunk in a stairwell and he said something like:

“Olivia, what are we doing here?”

To which I responded:

“Um, I don’t know”

“I think we should date.”

From there ensued a two hour conversation in which he convinced me to date him. Now l wasn’t being pressured, I just was unsure. He was part of my friend group at the time, and if it didn’t work out I’d be in an awkward position. But at the same time, I REALLY liked him. He was so cute, and fun, and nice. I had never liked anyone the way I liked him. So I went with it. Upon leaving I said

“This makes me very uncomfortable” in a joking tone, but I was pretty serious.

After we dated for a few weeks, Valentines day approached. It was weird, but luckily I was out of town. We continued dating and that awkwardness began to fade. One night I snuck him into my dorm room and I lost my virginity to him. I was really excited (although it was awkward because my roommates were sleeping in the room—he also made me go on top, when I had no idea what I was doing). From then the sexplosion started. We were fucking so many times a week, people got annoyed.

Around June I went home after finals for two weeks to spend time with friends and family before returning to Summer school. Now keep in mind my whole freshman year, I was in a weird place. I was done with my hometown and I thought with my friends. I didn’t really talk to my friends back home that year. When I returned home I was just so excited to get back to school. I remember the first red flag was when I was talking to my friends about going to a nude beach. Matt said that he didn’t want me to go because although he respected my bodily autonomy, others might not—so I should wait for him. I got into a huge argument, threatening to end the relationship. Which of course I didn’t want to do, but at that time I was still confident and not afraid to lose him. We worked through it, but he was still always weird about body things.

Then something shifted.

The summer of freshman year I did a summer program for architecture. Partly out of interest and partly out of a desire to get the fuck out of New Jersey. Right before it started though, Matt and I took our first vacation together. We went to a sleepy, meth town called Pismo Beach. The people were kinda weird, and the water was so cold, but the air was so hot. Definitely a weird beach weekend. When we first got there he began trying to have sex with me, he sort of just threw me on the bed and started fucking me. He never asked, but I thought that maybe our rough sex had given him a weird point of view. And I didn’t think it was all that bad because if I was horny I would have liked it. I cried a lot, and that’s when I had my first panic attack with him. He kept apologizing and said “I would never do anything to hurt you.” I accepted and we moved past it. The rest of the weekend was fun, we got good cinnamon rolls.

This was a weird time. I had class everyday 9am-5pm. I lived in an apartment with strangers. And let me tell you, it was so fucking hot and my apartment had no air conditioning. I had never cooked for myself before, so most of the time I was starving. My neck always hurt from staring at my computer. I also had no friends. It was tough—I loved the work, but the scenario was hard. During this time Matt was still working at a restaurant back home so he would come and visit me on the weekends. First weekend was fun, he slept over, we probably smoked weed, got dinner etc. But by the 2nd to 3rd week of the program I started to feel weird. Now I’ve had childhood anxiety, I couldn’t sleep at night due to panic attacks, forgot how to eat, couldn’t leave the house. But I thought that was behind me. I started feeling extremely lonely, as I had made not one friend during this program to hang out with. Matt was the only person who was there for me. I was lonely, sad, tired, and stressed. One night I just said that I wanted to go home after only spending a little time with him, and before I could leave I just broke down. I told him “something isn’t right,” and he listened. I explained how I was feeling, he probably said he would help and that he loved me. He gave me encouragement and went home. These feelings persisted. The next weekend, I wanted him to come down but he couldn’t. My friend Andrea came and we went out for drinks. We met some lawyer who kept buying us tequila shots and margaritas and before you know it I was trashed. Now I know tequila, and alcohol in general, makes people emotional, but this was a whole other level. We got home, Andrea stayed inside, and I went outside and called Matt sobbing. I was so upset and I thought the only relief would be if he came over. He said he couldn’t, obviously (he lived far away and had work the next morning). I don’t remember saying any of this but I started crying about how I wanted to kill myself and jump in front of a car. These were thoughts that I had never uttered out loud or really ever thought of sober. He texted Andrea frantically saying I was going to kill myself, she came to get me we went to bed. I apologized to her in the morning saying it was just the tequila, and felt so guilty.

I finished off my program and we went to Matt’s home for the night as I was flying out the next day. I was absolutely devastated to leave him. I worried that he would die, and that we would be separated forever. Well, whatever. I went home and unfortunately for me I arrived when all of my friends were leaving. I found myself in the exact same place that I was at school—alone. I felt pretty depressed, all I wanted to do was talk to Matt. I was jealous that he was busy and I was not. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I would sleep till 3pm and most days do nothing. I was more than ready to get the fuck out of New Jersey again.

My sophomore year began and I was so excited. I was living in a single and Matt met me to help move my room around. He didn’t really want to help, he mostly just wanted to have sex. He actually made me feel bad about making him do so much labor because I knew what he really wanted. But I loved the guy, and my year began. I went to Spain for a week and missed out on meeting my floor and joining new clubs. That was hard because when I returned I had no new friends. While my closest buds were in singles next to me we never really talked like I imagined we would. Abby was in distress for the first two quarters over her breakup. Roslyn just seemed anti-social and/or depressed, and Tiffany was always with Nick (like every night). So there weren’t that many group hangouts or dinners. So, I spent most of my time with Matt. We had sleepovers multiple times a week and we had a great time together. It was so fun just getting to cuddle with someone for hours. We started a new routine where we’d go on these nice walks. It was nice. But he was still being weird about sex, I remember crying after being with him one time to Tiffany and Roslyn because I felt like he had pressured me or something. I tried to explain my boundaries to him but it turned into a debate about my bodily autonomy again. It was around this time that I wrote in one notebook that I felt “diluted, and had given too much of myself”, but of course these were just passing thoughts and most of my time was consumed with being in blissful innocent love. Some weird things happened too. When I was very drunk one night laying on the floor, Matt pulled my pants down and began eating me out. I told him to stop and I think someone walked into my room. There were other times when I would test him and pretend to sleep, he would still continue to fuck me anyway until I told him to stop. This continued and at one point I expressed that I didn’t know if I was what he wanted. He assured me that I was. That year was out first serious relationship talk, and it was a lot of me trying to validate my feelings. We hadn’t been going on as many dates anymore, which I wasn’t against because I don’t need a nice dinner to feel appreciated but I still missed him putting in effort to make me feel special.

Towards the end of the year Tiffany took us to her Ventura house. We got really drunk, and Matt told me about his sexual fantasies. Apparently he would go online and pretend to be some female anime character and talk to people online. He said he hasn’t done it in a while though. Then on his computer I asked him to show me the porn he liked. This was one of the times (other than learning about his Dad) that I felt like he was opening up. But, the porn he watched was shitty. Really fake. We tried fucking while watching it but I just felt like I was being used by a sex toy. One night I was so drunk and apparently I said to him “please don’t have sex with me” which he told me the next day. He said of course he wouldn’t do something like that. At this point our sex life was getting weird, we had begun falling into this routine. He’d use the vibrator on me and just hold it there, it became boring. He wouldn’t talk dirty and when we did have really rough sex sometimes it became way too much. One time he made me cry it was so intense (this year). Our sex dropped off, we didn’t fuck at Mammoth, we didn’t fuck over Easter. Meanwhile I was still having panic attacks, being anxious and a bit suicidal.

That summer we were both taking classes. It was hard to see each other but we made it work. However, it started to become boring to hang out together. We had good conversation about what he liked. We watched new shows, and cooked. Went to the occasional party. But something was getting weird. I felt like I was never really spending time with him. Our sleepovers dropped off. Cuddling sort of stopped too. He was always saying he was ready to go home and just seemed like he didn’t want to spend that much time with me. I mentioned this and he said everything was fine. Then on my birthday something happened, and I don’t completely remember it because I was so drunk. But we went to my room to have sex, I started to get tired and tried to sleep and I’m pretty sure he just tried to have sex with me anyway. We went through two weird drunk breakups where he said he didn’t think we would be together forever. I immediately thought to kill myself. He immediately apologized and we made up. The rest of the summer continued. We went camping which was fun, but only fucked once (couldn’t finish). I took mushrooms for the first time and it was nice. He got annoyed with my when I asked for too many things, like can I have the milk, and the eggs. That was probably a bit princessy of me. But hey. We went to his grandfather’s celebration. We went to nocturnal, and I said that I felt like he was going to break up with me after (it was the last thing we planned together). My mom asked if I would want to fly him home with me and I said no, part of me knew I think. We went to nocturnal, he was there for me when I got really anxious I told him how lucky I felt to be with him.

The school year began, it was nice to have school again. I was excited. September happened and then around Abby’s birthday we were both drunk. He admitted he didn’t think we would have a family together, and broke up with me. It was a long weird conversation, I told him I didn’t want that. He didn’t either fully. He texted me the next day, we hung out. He came over drunk and slept on my couch with me. We reconciled three days later. The rest of the month I was on edge. I didn’t know if he really wanted to be with me and I couldn’t really trust him. He told me to trust him because “that’s obviously what i wanted” but he gave me no reason to trust him. I kept calling when I was drunk and alone talking about suicide. During our breakup I started cutting myself. He just told me “don’t do that,” he said we would talk about ways to help me but he never brought it up. We were barely having sex at this point and I told him when we reconciled that things would be different. We would each make a list about what we wanted, go on more dates etc. However, he never made the list, we went on one date that I planned (like usual). I asked why we didn’t and he said “maybe we just don’t want to” all the signs were there but I loved this guy. This was my little Matt, the guy whose tiny butt I loved. The guy who made me laugh, the guy who was my best friend. On November 6th, I talked to him saying I wanted to have sex this week (something you shouldn’t really have to plan). He said that he hasn’t really wanted to have sex with me recently. This was something we had discussed previously, and I said is it just with me? Or everyone. And he said that he would maybe want to have sex with other people. It wasn’t that he didn’t find me attractive he just didn’t know. I asked if we should breakup? He said he didn’t know. He never knew. Never knew why he was feeling that way, never knew how to fix his feelings. I said, well, we don’t have to make a decision right now. And he agreed. Part of him was scared to say it.

But then, I sat there. I looked at him, and I listened to my inner voice. I had a surge of power. There was something within me and it just screamed “you deserve better.” It felt wrong to feel, I thought, “but I love him.” But part of me knew that the love had changed. I had become dependent on him for my emotional wellbeing, I felt alone even in a relationship. I felt terrible about myself. He wasn’t helping me, he was hurting me. His indecision killed me. It gave me hope that things would turn the other way. But they weren’t because he stopped trying and kept me at bay in this limbo. So finally I said:

“I deserve better. I’m done trying, I want to breakup, if you truly want to be with me you’ll make that happen.”

To which he hesitated and said “well maybe, but you’re right. I think you said what I was to afraid to say”

We probably said some other things, we said I love you, I went back to my studio. Then my heart started pounding and something inside me said GO BACK. So I waited 15, and speed walked back to him. I sat down and said “hi” it was still so weird, so I wasn’t super upset because I couldn’t really believe everything. I’m sure I was holding back some tears though. I said:

“I feel weird about what just happened, I don’t think I should go back on what I decided but I don’t think either of us wanted to break up” and he agreed. So we started calling it a break, I said I wanted to actually not see him because our last breakup was ineffective considering we still saw and talked to each other.

The next day we met to give each other’s stuff back, I looked damn good. I saw him and we talked, we both said we had written our feelings. He said his could turn into a research paper. He said “it’s ok”, and I said “no it’s not” to which he asked me why. I forget what I said, we mostly talked about logistics. he told me to not be afraid to contact him as I am still his friend, but I said that I can’t do that right now. What was I supposed to say? “Hi I’m really sad about you”? NO. He agreed that could be weird, I told him to text me. He said he didn’t have much to say (haha, we dated for 1 1/2 years you’ve got SOMETHING TO SAY). He tried to buy me candy to bribe me, but i had no appetite. We began parting ways, he said he loved me. That was one month ago to this day.

For some reason writing all of my feelings really helps me process them. Now, there are countless little details that could be added to this, but in my mind a lot of the bad really sticks out to me. God I miss him, but I don’t miss what we had last month. I miss the love we had right when we first met. We were devoted to each other problems and all. I don’t know if I wore him down with my anxiety or he just stopped being into me. But I do know that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. He really played with my heart due to his inability to process his feelings. He was probably feeling weird about the relationship for a long time, but never really thought it through enough to come to a conclusion.

Regardless, let me tell you how I’m feeling now. Firstly, breakups suck. They hurt like a motherfucker. To be honest my life has been pretty chill up until this point so this is by far the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I have never felt so sad. But, that sadness is lifting and GIRL it’s lifting faster than I thought. Whenever you ask someone about a breakup you just wanna know “HOW LONG AM I GONNA FEEL LIKE THIS” I have a feeling I’m still gonna be dealing with this for at least half a year, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be miserable, or not date anyone else. I’m just gonna have to do A LOT of processing.

When this first happened all I wanted to do was text this motherfucker. He told my friend that he was doing good after out breakup because there was less drama. Drunk me found this out, called this boy, cursed him out. Then I got suicidal and he told me he needed to go to bed and that I wasn’t actually going to kill myself. Talked to the suicide hotline and called the next day to apologize for cursing. I let him know that my talk with my mom about getting help went well, he said he was glad. Later in the month he invited me to his house for thanksgiving which I declined (my og plan was to go to his place, and he thought I would be alone). But since then we haven’t talked. It’s hard because I talked to him everyday for like 2 years. It’s hard to not see him, because I miss our friendship. I felt like he was the closest friend I had ever made, and the reason I burdened him with my anxiety was because I didn’t want to open up to anyone else about my issues.

But now, I feel free! When this breakup started I felt trapped and lonely because I hadn’t processed the weight and damage of this relationship. Now, I don’t have to worry about this boy stressing me, worrying about if I’m making him happy—I can just make myself happy. I no longer have to try in a one sided thing, I can get a tight ass, good skin, and meet new people. I’m doing so much better because I’ve let the bad emotions in, and have been letting go of the guilt that I felt for the failure of my relationship. I hate knowing that we failed, he was such an integral part of me—but that was the problem. I stopped doing everything I liked when I dated him, stopped listening to the music I liked, cared less about makeup, went shopping less. Things that I thought were good because I felt maybe I was maturing. But the things I like aren’t bad, and it makes no sense that I stopped doing them. Recently, I’ve been connecting more with estranged friends, working out and seeing the world as brand freaking new. I’ve been dancing, and just finding happiness in things that I thought were bad. I thought my friends here were bad, but to be honest I placed so much importance and value on my ex that I thought no one was as interesting as him. But bitch...that isn’t true at all! Sure there are a few friends here that I am excited to leave behind, but the majority of my friends here are kind people who truly care about me. That’s something I didn’t realize and I am happy to discover. I’m also discovering myself. I lost myself somewhere along this relationship and I lost hold of what I want from my life. I’ve been working on my goals and improving myself.

I’m just one month out, although I haven’t really cried too much about my ex recently, I still feel down. And I’m sure that my healing will go up and down and up and down. It’s hard to feel good when you know bad is coming, but I’m trying to embrace all of the positivity and dedicate my energy to me, great friends and an interesting life. Love is great, and I really miss it. But I know that my ex was not right for me, and I deserve so much more. I hope reading this has helped you reflect on your own experience. I also wanted to share a resource that really has helped me: breakuprecoveryguide.com. They helped me so much and have a great guide for what to do following a breakup. The most important being “no contact” which you can learn about on their site.

I mostly write this blog for myself so if you’ve made it this far, wow! Thank you, I hope I helped you in some way.

#breakup #breakup recovery #healing #relationships #ex #boyfriend

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camdallasfanfics · 7 years

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What now? - Chapter 9

Cameron Dallas fanfic - Sequel to I’m not that kind of girl

Word count: 2′183

Previous Chapter

two months later - Christmas

„Mom!“ I shout as I enter the house. It was the 23rd of December and I just got back from New York. Finally. Semester break. „In the kitchen!“ I followed her voice and saw my mom and my sister there. Both cutting things up. „I missed you guys!“ I approached them and both of them hugged me.

„You? Missed? Us?“ My sister mocked me. I simply laughed. „I’m gonna go upstairs and take a shower, alright?“ I look at my mom, grabbing my duffle bag that was laying on the ground before. „Sure. Dinner’s gonna be ready in about an hour.“ She smiled at me and turned back to her business.

I quickly went up to my room. After I took a quick shower I laid on my bed and was just checking out social media. Yet again I was tagged in way to many photos with Cameron. One of them being the night in New York. I lightly huffed. „Still an asshole.“ I mumbled to myself.

„Who’s an asshole?“ I suddenly heard my sister say. I looked up to see her stand in my door way. „Huh?“ I questioned her. „Who is still an asshole?“ She repeated herself and slowly approached me until she sat down in front of me on my bed. „No one…“ I quietly said before I let out a sigh.

It was silent for a few seconds. „You’re a senior now.“ I suddenly said smiling at her. She nodded. „Yeah.“ I lightly nudged her. „You not happy to get out of that stupid high school?“ She laughed a little. „Yeah but I don’t know what I want to study yet.“ Her smile looked so sad. „Come on. It’s gonna be fine. You can come study with me in New York!“ I suggested wiggling my eyebrows. She huffed. „No thank you. You probably have so many one night stands!“ She started to laugh hysterically. „Shut up!“ I shouted before bursting into laughter as well.

The laughter slowly died down. „Can I ask you a question?“ She was pulling on her sweater. Did she have the same nervous tick I have? „Shoot.“ I smiled at her. „Do you miss him?“ Of course I do. „Who are you exactly talking about?“ I know exactly who she is talking about. „Y/N… You know I mean Cameron.“ I took a deep breath and just stared at her.

„Of course I do.“ I half smiled. „I miss the old days. I miss him being a normal kid and hanging out with him.“ I looked down to my fingers that were now also playing with the hem of my shirt. „Have you ever met him since?“ I was debating on whether I should tell her or not. She is my sister, why shouldn’t I? „Yeah.“ I nodded. I looked up to see her face she had a small smile on her face.

„I miss him as well.“ She slowly said. „I wish you wouldn’t be broken up sometimes.“ She kept going. „He made you happy.“ I sighed scooting closer to her. „Come here.“ I said pulling her into a hug. „I am happy with or without him.“ I patted her back. „He’s the asshole, am I right?“ She slowly pulled away.

I chuckled and nodded. „I met him in New York at a screening of his new movie. He took me out for dinner.“ I pulled out my phone and showed her the pictures of us. „You hooked up, didn’t you?“ She chuckled as did I. „Yup.“ I said nodding. „And?“ She nudged me. I giggled. „He invited me to his premiere in LA.“ Her jaw dropped. „That’s why you were here!“ I nodded.

„You hooked up again, didn’t you?“ I nodded again. „You guys are just so stupid. Why are you not back together?!“ She said getting up from my bed. „What now? You guys hooked up and nothing?“ She asked standing by my door. „Some people just aren’t meant to be with one another Lia.“ I simply said with a sad smile. „Everyone knows you two belong together.“ She said before leaving my room.

After dinner I basically barricaded myself in my room. I wasn’t feeling festive at all. I just laid around in bed. I thought about the the premiere. He never called or texted. He never really missed me. I was just an easy target to get what he wanted. I was vulnerable. I was stupid. My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door. „Yeah?“ I looked to the door and saw my mom’s head sticking into my room.

„Hun. Sam’s mom invited us over tomorrow for a little get together. Would you like to come?“ A soft smile was plastered on her face. I nodded. „Sure, why not?“ I turned back and than the door shut. I sighed, grabbing my phone and texted Sam.

Y/N: prepare some good liquor for tomorrow! Sam: already on it lol Y/N: Ethan gonna be there as well? Sam: yup.. Y/N: anyone else I should be aware of? Sam: naaaaah. it’s way more fun if it’s a surprise ;) Y/N: if any of the dallas’ are gonna be there. THAN I’M MOTHER FUCKING OOOOUT.

And she didn’t reply to the last text. With that I just gave in the tired feeling upon me and fell asleep.

I was woken up by my mom shouting at me. „Get up! It’s already 1pm!“ I buried my head in the pillows, groaning. „We should be at Sam’s around 4pm.“ She said before leaving my room. I groaned yet again slowly lifting my head. Better get up than. I quickly went to the bathroom to do my business and plugged in my straightener to heat up.

„What to wear.“ I mumbled to myself walking up to my closet. I went through my stuff and found some lingerie. „This seems so familiar.“ I said holding it up.

Flashback

„If you want a break. Or whatever you wanna call it. I want one last night with you. And I won’t make a move unless you let me.“ I listened carefully. He was talking slow. I just found some lingerie asking myself where I got that from. „Alright. Come over.“ I said and before he could ask anything I hung up. I dropped the lingerie and went to my bed.

Flashback over

I chuckled as I thought back to that night. I decided to wear it because why not? It’s sexy and I would feel good although no one would see it, right? When I put on the lingerie I saw a cute black dress. It would have a tight fit with long sleeves. It seemed ordinary but the tight fit gave it its flair.

After dressing up I straightened my hair and put on some make-up. It wasn’t much though. I put on my heeled boots and made my way downstairs. It was around 3pm already. I just got down when my dad approached me. „You look good hun. Got all dressed up for Sam, huh?“ He nudged me. I simply laughed. „Exactly!“

We were all ready so we simply decided to go earlier. Sam’s family wouldn’t mind anyway. We parked in their driveway and we weren’t the first. There was another car. Probably Ethan’s. We knocked and didn’t really bother to wait for anyone to open the door. We got in and we were greeted by my best friend.

„Sam!“ I shouted as I pulled her in a hug. We laughed at each other embracing each others presence. „I missed you.“ She said, only I could hear. „Same here. Same here.“ I simply answered. „You look gorgeous!“ I said as I pulled away.

We walked into the living room and I came to realize that the other car in the driveway does not belong to Ethan. „Gina!“ My mom said excitedly. „How nice to see you! And Cameron oh my goodness. You are a handsome young man, look at you!“ She said while pulling him into a hug. I just awkwardly stood next to Sam. „I need a drink.“ I mumbled and walked off to the kitchen.

After opening a few cabinets I found some vodka. „Jackpot.“ I said while pouring myself a shot. „Already? You haven’t even had a word with me yet.“ I heard his voice. „Why are you even here?“ I turned to face him. He looked good. As always. „I was invited?“ He chuckled and stepped closer to me. „Okay. Than don’t get anywhere near me.“ I said walking past him.

I walked up to Sam and saw that Ethan and his folks have arrived. „Oh hi Ethan.“ I said giving him a weak smile. „Hi.“ He simply said and brushed his hands on his pants. He was looking around nervously. Was he nervous? „I’ll be right back.“ He said and with that he was gone. „What was that?“ I chuckled. Sam laughed. „Don’t know. Hope he won’t break up with me before the holiday though.“ I nudged her. „Come on. He loves you.“ I smiled at her.

„Yeah. Why would he break up if he loves you?“ Cameron said when he put his arm around my shoulder. „Said the right person.“ I huffed. „And Get your arm off of me!“ I stood next to Sam now getting away from Cameron. „But young lady you look so fine today. I might not resist the temptation.“ He had a smirk plastered on his face. I pretended to puke.

All of a sudden we heard glass clinking. „May I have a word?“ Ethan spoke up. Oh god. Here we go. „I just wanted to say a few words.“ He had a big smile on his face but still he looked horrified. Sam stepped closer to him leaving me alone with Cameron at the side of the room.

„Sam over here. She’s been in my life for a long time now. I’m really glad to be able to call her my girlfriend. I love her with all my life. And I would love to continue to be with her. But I want everyone to know so…“ He paused for a second when he walked up closer to Sam and bend down to his knee.

„Sam, would you make me the honor and marry me?“ He said and took out a little box. Opening it he revealed a shiny diamond ring. My jaw dropped and I immediately covered it with both my hands. I started to tear up. I’m way to girly in this moment. Not good. Sam nodded uncontrollably. „Yes!“ You could hear her squeal. The room was filled with aw’s and applause. „Congratulation.“ Was the expression you could hear through the room.

I felt his hand on my waist pulling me closer to his body. My back leaned against his body. „Wow.“ He mumbled. I simply nodded. His hand was stroking up and down my side. „I-uhm I should go talk to them.“ I stuttered. Why did I stutter? „I should too.“ He simply said not letting go of my side. So we approached them me attached to him.

„Come here!“ I said to Sam as I started to tear up again. „Congrats!“ I mumbled into her shoulder while we were hugging. „I’m so happy for you.“ I was totally gonna cry as was she. Lets be real. We pulled away both of us teary eyed. „Look at them. They have emotions.“ Cameron nudged Ethan. Stupid bitch. I gave him a glare. „Something you’ll never have.“ I walked to the kitchen.

I couldn’t stand him. Why was he here? Why does he do this to me? Why can’t I just- „Again? Really?“ He stood behind me. I sighed. „Pour me one as well. This out there.“ He pointed to the living room. „Makes me want to throw up.“ I chuckled pouring the both of us a shot. „Didn’t know you thought so highly of marriage.“ I teased him. We both took our shot. „Well. If I was with that one girl I love right now. All of that back there wouldn’t make me sick.“ He stepped closer to me.

„Why aren’t you with the girl you love than, huh?“ I questioned him. „I fucked up.“ He whispered pulling me closer to him. „And I would love to tell her that I am sorry for everything I caused her.“ He closed his eyes. „Why don’t you?“ My hand laid on his chest. „She’s not so fond of me at the moment.“ He sighed. „I wonder why.“ I patted his chest and smiled a little. „Lets say I didn’t have the balls to call her.“ He looked down at me with a little pout.

„What do you think? Will she forgive me?“ I looked up to him. „If you explain to her what happened. Than, yeah, maybe she will.“ He smiled a little. „Would you think she’d let me kiss her?“ I giggled and lightly nodded. So he leaned in and our lips met again after starving for one an others touch.

Next Chapter

A/N: Okaaaay. Here we go. Hope you liked this chapter. It’s all over the place with the emotions and pretty much bipolar... Sorry. Tell me what you thought about it always appreciate some feedback! Have a great ass day! Love you :)

#cameron dallas #magcon #magcon cameron dallas #chapter 9 #what now #camdallasfanfics #fanfiction #fan #fan fiction #fanfic #cameron dallas fanfic #cameron dallas fanfiction #cameron dallas fan fiction #magcon fanfic #magcon fanfiction #magcon fan fiction #writing

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blablabrat · 4 years

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Yesterday was my 27th. I am nearing the end of my mid 20s and I hate it. But this isn't a rant. I actually want to remember my 27th birthday as it was much more pleasing than what I had expected. I didn't have expectations actually, because of all the Covd19 chaos and my busy daily schedule, I had been too tired to plan for a celebration or to think about it at all. I only prepared to order some steak and burgers for a nice warm dinner at home with my mom and sister. It was just gonna be a small simple dinner, but I guess I needed a reminder that I was a little more special than I thought. Yesterday was a very nice reminder. I have to be in the office at 6am everyday, so I usually wake up around 5:30am. My alarm clock is set at 4:30 to make sure I get the fuck up lol. Still, I manage to be late almost everytime. Yesterday my mom and sister got up at 5am just to wake me up with the happy birthday song and brought me breakfast in bed. It was really sweet and I enjoyed waking up to that. It was funny because they were laughing and singing and dancing at 5am in the morning, you wouldn't even remember how early it was with all the energy they were bringing into the room. But it was funny because while I was eating the egghead, they finished singing and dancing at this point and were just sitting on my bed watching me eat and I couldn't help but laugh out loud because it seemed that their sleepiness had finally hit them again, and they were just staring into space. both of them. lol. I laughed and told them they could go back to sleep haha, and they laughed too because they realized how quick the energy de-escalated. lol. It was a good start to the day. I got to work, 15minutes late as usual, on my bike. It was cloudy but not enough to rain so that was good. As I got off my bike and walked to the office it started to seem like another regular day, which is what I expected anyway, but when I entered the office, there it was again. The birthday vibe was in the air. My computer was turned on for me (which usually I have to do myself and takes about 10 minutes to load) and there were 2 paper bags on my desk. 1 bag with brownies and another with a gift from my team. It was very touching and I was thrilled because I didn't think they would be aware of my birthday. I was really happy, and I really appreciated the effort. Inside the gift bag were 2 bottles, both cleaning formulas for my motorcycle. They know me so well, I was ecstatic. and the brownies were such a nice touch and good substitute for a cake actually. They all greeted me a happy birthday and by that time I had realized that I had really good co-workers. They actually cared haha. I feel very lucky to have them, even though we spent most of my first year at work not really talking to each other lol. I guess we have all grown on eachother ever since we got back to the office in July. Funny thing is, we're closer now that we sit one seat apart than we were when we were sitting next to eachother. Ironic huh. Anyway, it was nice. I ordered 2 pizzas for the whole office to show my appreciation as well, since the total of people in the office are only 11 lol, wasn't too hard or expensive. My boss also gave me a popsicle to celebrate haha. Kids stuff I know, but it was nice too. I got dismissed 30 minutes earlier than my usual time off, and was able to get to big house at about 3pm and waited for my orders there. The steak and burger. While I was waiting I got my motorcycle checked by my cousin, who confirmed my suspicion that something was wrong with it because it wobbled while I drove. He took it for a test drive to double check, and while I waited for him too, I went to the back yard where my other cousin was doing some gardening and feeding his fish, he gave me some of his fresh produce (Pechay) which were ridiculously aesthetic. They looked like they came out for a photoshoot or something. It was so satisfying to look at and pluck off the ground. They looked perfect. After that, my uncle finally came with the beef that I ordered, and after some chit chat with my mechanic cousin I headed home. I was about an hour late so I knew my mom and sister were probably pacing around waiting for me. When I got home I was right haha, it was really quiet as I entered the house, suspiciously quiet. When I opened my room door, that was the queue for the happy birthday music and my sister and mom started dancing again and singing happy birthday. There were a few decorations and a cake for me to blow out, it was really small and simple but I really really enjoyed every second of it. I blew out my candles and my mom took the steak to start cooking. I was getting greetings all day in person and on social media, it was unexpected because I try to not be too loud about my birthday but since the cat was out of the bag already, I went ahead and posted some pictures and videos of some of the nice things I got today. My mom and sister got me some presents and they were all great, especially the cards lol. The birthday greeting cards were amazing. one of them read, “Smart, thoughtful, and good looking, but enough about us. Today is about you. Happy birthday.” LOL. I gotta admit this one made me laugh, and another greeting card from my sister read, “Thank you for always being older than me, Love,Dasha” How freakin’ sweet is that. haha. I don’t know why but I am happy they didn’t do or write anything cheesy. It was all laughs from there. I opened my presents and got 2 sets of “Dasters” I’m actually looking forward to using them. And another gift - 3 packs of medical facemasks lol good one, and the last gift, by far my most favorite and best freakin’ gift in a long time... My mom and sister got me Kush. That’s right. M mothafuckin’ J. I went wild, I was super happy, still am actually. Can’t wait to try it out with them. Lastly, my boyfriend and I video called for a bit and he revealed his gifts to me via video call. He’s in Baguio so it was hard not to see him specially on my birthday but he made sure I wouldn’t be sad about it that day. He got me 5 gifts, because my birthday is Aug “5th” lol, I’ve never had that done for me before so I was ecstatic to find out what he got me. He’s actually really good at getting gifts.And I was right, he got me almost all the things listed on my shopping cart lol, literally. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Here’s what he got me:

Vlog lapel mic for my action cam

light reflector for photoshoots

SSD storage for my PC

Logitech webcam for my pc

3 sets of Des Buncio’s facemask + 1 eye shield

1 whole set of accesories for my action cam

Dude he got me more than 5 gifts, I was overwhelmed af. I didn’t know which ones to be more excited about! Like I was lost for words, I was so happy that I didn’t know what to say or what to do, like I was going into shock lol.

I have such a good boyfriend for once. I realized that he knew me so well, that he got all his gifts right. I mean like, they are all literally useful to me. I was always meaning to buy them myself but I just kept putting them off, and he finally got them for me. haha, the day could not be more perfect.

The day was great. By far one of the best birthdays I have had in a long time. Even if I didn’t get to spend it with him as well, he made it clear that he was still there.

That’s all, I just wanted to put this out there so I could read this on my future shitty birthdays and remember this one perfect birthday, for one day, I forgot about the pandemic, I forgot about all the problems, I forgot about everything negative and I was just really truly happy.

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humanistauno · 4 years

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A Journal by: Paola Marie Zuniga

December 16, 2019

A community blast!

Exactly 5:45 AM, I jumped out of my bed and prepared myself up. Today’s the day for our community visitation and survey. I will not deny that I kinda got excited with the thought of going out for a community immersion in a place I have never been visited.

All set! We had so much fun (or maybe only me) riding the trike to Brgy. Paraiso’s Sitio Salkan. I loved how the trike go up and down because of the rocky kind of road there – although, a part of me is kinda worried since I sat at the back part and I am undeniably heavy so, I was thinking about our tricycle getting stuck because of me. I was so excited about the ‘hiking part’ but it all disappeared when I felt my body getting heavier than it was used to be. I got tired easily and I can only think of two reasons why did that thing happened; first, because of how high the place is and second, that was the day I had my exercise ever since December started.

Everything went well, fortunately. We had interviewed 3 participants from different houses and we also had a chance to stay up on a hill and watch those eye-warming trees surrounding the whole place. We even took our lunch there and of course did some photoshoots. That is something we cannot forget, to be honest. Oh well, so much for this day. I am kinda tired with all the hiking and walking and running and stuffs and now, your little girl here needs her sleep. Ciao!

December 18, 2019

“Happy another-step-in-reaching-death Day slash legality day”

To be very honest, I wanted not to open my eyes. I mean, I know it’s my birthday and I have to be thankful for this another year being added but, who would like to celebrate their birthday without their mother? But oh well, my body betrayed me and it moved on its own plus I still need to open the boutique and do kinds of stuff there.

Tons of ‘Happy birthdays’ and such were received both personally and In social media. I am thankful for those people because I felt special with their birthday greetings and all. It made me soft and think, maybe it’s not that bad to celebrate my birthday after all, even with the absence of my mother. Also, speaking of which, my mom called me and I tried not to cry. I joked around while she cried on the other line. Ah, it hurts to hear your mom cry aye?

To be very honest, I cried while I was in the boutique – cleaning and arranging dresses. This was supposed to be a very happy and special day since I just turned 18 and here I am, doing work and just spend the entire day watching anime. Nothing special, really.

Ps: my churchmates and my tita prepared foods at the church. It lifted my spirit a little and I do appreciate the effort.

December 20, 2019

“Church thanksgiving and Christmas party!”

So far, this is the most awaited day for me. I am just ready to receive gifts and stuff from peeps in the church. Also, I am kinda excited about the prepared foods. The party started with a blast! We had the victory got talent and it was epic I must say! Every participant did a very good job and that includes my sister and two cousins who won first place in the said event.

After that segment, the most awaited part had arrived and it was EATING TIME! I only ate meat at that time and avoided rice hehe – I did not even touch the cake but then I kept on eating the fried chicken. I honestly can not stop myself at that time since I was craving for that and I know we need to feed up that craving and be happy for the rest of our lives with the help of these foods!

Receiving gifts for me is the highlight of the party- I received gifts from my Ates and Kuyas and also from my Ninongs and Ninangs. So for those who posted on Facebook about their godparents who were missing in action, I really can’t relate to your posts as of the moment (ooh, arrogance at its finest oho).

It was a great night actually, although, after the party, we went straight to the wake of my grandmother who passed away just right before my birthday. We stayed up late until 4 AM just to play lucky 9 and Bingo. I am kinda new to the card game (Lucky 9) and don’t even know a single thing so my cousin had to teach and guide me from time to time just for me to participate in the game. It was fun actually.

December 24, 2019

“A Happy Christmas”

We started this day with a dawn service in our church which for me is the best thing to do. I mean, it would be nice to start your day worshipping and praying to our creator. After the service, we had hot Choco and suman prepared by our pastor and we had fellowship with our co-members in church.

The moment we reached home from church, I found myself sleeping on my bed again. I woke up at 3PM actually and I took a bath immediately – after hours of sleeping and enjoying the dream I was having, back to the same routine again. Do some household chores then indulged myself to anime.

As the darkness finally took over, we started to become busy preparing food for the Christmas Eve. We don’t have much food for the celebration but being together, eating in one table is so much better than having lots of food but there’s no one to talk too. I kind of like being alone but I love being with my family.

Our house was filled with my music and shouts from my cousins the moment the clock struck 12. Exchanging of ‘Merry Christmas’ were heard inside our house as the 8 of us gathered around the table. We prayed and did a video call with my mom who was celebrating Christmas alone in her dorm in Cebu. ‘Twas sad honestly, seeing your mom on the screen of your phone, alone, while you’re with the rest of the family, eating together. I kind of felt sorry that she had to go somewhere far from us just for the sake of our future. But hey! It’s Christmas, we obviously does not want to break the joy we were having in our hearts, and so, we still laughed and joked around as we have our small celebration.

It was indeed, a happy Christmas.

December 29. 2019

“Mini reunion”

Every family gathering, I have always felt uninvited. Maybe because our family was known as one of the most problematic among the others and that made me feel uncomfortable every occasion.

Early in the morning as we prepare ourselves for church, my tita told me that we will be attending the reunion after church. At first, I said I am not going to show up in that gathering because I am pretty sure I will be left out, yeah – I am that negative. But after our church service, my cousins did convince me to attend the said reunion and even blackmailed me and left me no choice but attend the reunion.

The world seemed so dark to me at that time, sitting on the corner, frowning while I watch my titas and titos laugh and do crazy stuffs. At first, I really am not in the mood but when they called us out because we are about to eat, my mood changed a bit. Food can really change the world, yes. Well, I ate a lot. One thing I liked when we have gatherings is that the food being prepared are way too delicious that it made me forget how grumpy I am earlier. And since the food enlightened me up – after eating, I started to mingle with my younger cousins, they would kiss me in the cheek then we’ll sing along at the karaoke. It made me think that it wasn’t really a bad idea joining this mini reunion. The kids had their parlor games which was facilitated by me (lol) and it made me realize, kids can really wash away those negative cells you have in your body.

Guilt was slowly eating me at that time. How can I enjoy listening to their funny talks and even enjoy the presence of the kids where in the first place I was so negative about this gathering and even talked bad things about them inside my head. But here’s what I had realized like really.. I may talk bad about them but now, I will try my best to repay the goodness they were showing which I had failed to recognize through hard work in school and make them proud. Somehow, I want to be a good relative for them despite of how bad my thoughts about them are.

January 1, 2020

“2020”

To be honest, I did not started 2020 with a ‘good morning world’ since I did not sleep last night and I spent the whole night talking over the phone with my friend who was living in Makati. We talked about stuffs like our favorite anime series and of course, our cringey new year’s resolutions.

The whole first day of 2020 was not spent wisely. Body was still glued on the bed, eyes were still darted on the screen of the laptop. Productivity was nowhere to be found. I am pretty sure everyone wanted to be productive in the first day of 2020 but look who’s lazing around and let the whole world go crazy on its own as long as she get to finish her favorite anime, it’s me your girl.

6:15PM in the evening, we went to church for our midweek service. It’s kind of cool to start up 2020 with God’s words yeah? The whole preach was about reminders and of course it gave blessing to every listeners. Who wouldn’t be blessed by his words right?

The first day of 2020 ended up semi-good and semi-not. Semi-good because we went to church and heard wonderful messages and reminders and semi-not because I was not productive, I only fed up my anime desires and finished a whole series. Ugh.

January 3, 2020

“A man in green”

When boredom hits you, you sure do things just to make yourself busy and entertained. As for me, I’m clinging up unto omegle at times like that and I wasn’t really expecting to meet someone who just became my crush in just a snap.

So okay, here it goes. Every time I do omegle, my interest were always ‘bnha’ ‘mha’ and ‘anime’ and so I started the chat and words such as ‘you both like anime’ had appeared. The stranger did messaged me first with a hello with plenty of letter Os and was followed by ‘M20’. When I receive replies like that, I always end the conversation right away because I think they were just some horny dudes trying to get some nudes from girls they met in omegle but at that time, since I was bored and all, I replied ‘F18’ and did not end the conversation. Betraying my own rules, yeah the power of boredom and curiosity.

And so the guy once again replied and asked me about my favorite anime series. I did answered him that I have a lot of favorites but I then told him my favorites among the favorites which are One Punch Man and Boku no hero Academia. I was really expecting for him to freak out and end the conversation since many peeps in the anime community doesn’t like both series for its plot and both series are overrated animes but this guy replied “OMG YES SAME” and was followed by “I LIKE DEKU” “WHO’S YOUR BEST BOI” and such which I find funny so I tag along and replied him with ALL CAPS.

The whole duration of our conversation was fun and all, until we decided to exchange our instagram accounts. And there I saw a green eyed human with green hair. He is a good looking man who like rats and is obsessed with my hero Academia. While me, just a rotten potato who assumed he was a horny guy who asks nudes from girls. It was really fun and all since we are both born-again Christians and we are also both musicians in our church, he play the electric guitar in their fellowship while I play the bass guitar.

We were really having fun fanboying and fangirling over the series until he replied a.. “Let’s get married”

PS: I said yes and we are now happily living as anime couple in instagram.

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remembermemorablememories · 6 years

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Saturday, October 13, 2018

post #278

condensed post:

- woke up around like 11:30am. i was pretty tired and slept like a baby

- made two toasts + banana + pb. mmmmm. also got a text from ellen that she was visiting to play ping pong at our campus!! :o

- went to go visit ellen at the gym/finally paid membership for the gym. it’s so cold today. like 47 degrees. i usually just use the gym for running but now that i want to start running but actually can’t go running cause it’s getting cold, i figured i might as well start a gym membership

- we hung out and chatted from 2:30-3pm ish. we caught up on everything that we’ve been up to since the end of our internship. talked about some podcasts, jorbs, school, drawing and other stuff

- walked back home and swung by OW web dev workshop. i was surprised by the low turn out :/ i talked with cedric, i think we’ll be able to hopefully boost social media posts/outreach next time to get better turnout. we usually get like 10-15 people but today there were 3 people. and one person left just before i got there around 3:40pm

- walked back home and continued refactoring my OOP project. i finally got it working. surprisingly. i thought i’d need a little more tweaking but after like an hour and a half from 4-6pm, it was functioning. now i just need to clean up the code and i’ll be set

- played a couple of games of melee. denis came by to my place as well. then denis and i ubered to tsurumen to meet with jacob and his friend corey. we got the ramen and it was... interesting. it honestly reminded me of my grandpa’s noodle broth. like shockingly similar. it was also spaghetti noodle too... idk if i’m a fan but i’m glad i got to try it at least. the four of us walked over to mr. crepes afterwards and i got a banana+nutella crepe. then we just kind of chilled. denis and corey got into a discussion about baselines in society for helping people out, socialism vs. capitalism, etc. i also tried to convince denis of my iphone’s camera ability since he was messing around with it :p

- ubered back home with denis around 9:20pm. had a reaaaaally uncomfortable ride with our uber driver and pool rider. they were talking about some inappropriate stuff :/

- denis picked up some jackets at my place cause he’s going on a hike tomorrow morning/kept his stuff in my place. then he went back to his airbnb

- i took a long shower, now i’m chilling on my laptop in bed for like an hour and a half from 10:30-12am. just looking at hackathon highlight reels and what kind of possible song i could use for our hackathon maybe? also catching up on yesterday and today’s blog post

the end

#post #condensed #october #2018

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liztalksmusic-blog · 6 years

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Let’s talk about (cancelled)shows and ghosts and shows and clothes designs and shows and shows okay...: Made In America Tour Blog #1

Simply put, yesterday was fucking WILD. I don’t even know where to begin. Aspen and I dragged our asses out of bed at 2:30am on less than 3 hours of sleep, got ready and drove up to the venue in Denver. By the time we were in line and settled it was a few minutes before 6. The morning was uneventful; I grabbed us coffee, we awkwardly ignored advances from the homeless population of downtown Denver, and freezed our asses off. Yesterday was probably the coldest I’ve EVER been. It wasn’t terribly cold all day, but the venue was in the shade and it was super windy-- we got maybe 30 minutes of sun in 11 hours. I kept finding excuses and things to do to walk around so I could feel my feet again. Time went by quickly, and the line grew a lot slower than expected. Considering it was a Saturday, I expected a few early people and for the line to noticeably start growing around noon, but it stayed quiet and laidback. The day had weird ass vibes from the beginning .Everyone was tired and no one wanted to be social. I chalked it up to it being the weather, but looking back I now know the day was cursed from the beginning.

The line gained a few people, most of which I recognized from past shows. After trying to sleep for a few hours and failing considering how god-awful cold it was and how under-dressed we were, Aspen and I decided it was time to run a few errand before the line started really growing and things started to get more lively and hectic-- even though that never actually ended up happening; more on that later.

We found this cute sandwich place, which was refreshingly clean and friendly for the particular area of town we were in. The girls working there were great and for $5, I was stoked for a ham and swiss. I wasn’t expecting much for the price but it ended up being one of the best subs I’ve ever had. They were like a bistro crossed over with a Subway, topped off with overpriced drinks and cute decor. They were called Stack-- check ‘em out if you’re ever in the area, or going to a show at the summit.

I was able to sleep for a few minutes after warming up and filling my tummy, but was very abruptly awoken by the jarring sound of a construction vehicle of some sort backing up about 10 minutes after I dozed. There was a ton of construction going on right in front of the venue so anytime we had to go to the car crossing streets was a bitch.

Then things started going downhill. We had found out a few hours earlier via twitter that one of the opening bands, Sleep On It, were stuck in Wyoming. (Which by the way, if you haven’t already, check them out. 200% worth it. The band, not Wyoming. FUCK Wyoming.)

Not a big deal, we thought, maybe they’ll stick make it. As the day went on, we continued to fit more pieces into the puzzle. Chapel, another one of the opening bands was stuck with them. The reason being that I-80 was closed due to weather conditions and since it’s Wyoming and no one who loves themselves would choose to live there, I guess there weren’t many options. It’s my understanding that everyone was either stranded, or trying to get out the same way which means stop and go traffic for God knows how long. We realized this meant it was a very real possibility that As It Is (another opener) and Waterparks could be stuck, but they had been silent on social media so we really had no way of knowing. While originally stressed about there only being 2 bands on the bill instead of 4, we started stressing about whether there was going to be a show AT ALL.

But we continued to wait and suffer through the cold. I shut my eyes in an attempt to catch a few more Z’s, but woke up very quickly to the sound of a british accent in the entryway to the venue next to me. As It Is is here! There’s still hope! They started loading in their stuff, but it eventually got back to everyone (via someone w As It Is-- I’m not sure if he’s the temporary replacement for Andy or a roadie, either way it was a very nice long-haired blonde dude) that the only reason As It Is had made it was because they made it through before the interstate totally closed down and took a different route-- Waterparks did not. At this point, we were just waiting for the official announcement that the show was going to be cancelled, especially considering it was around 3pm at this point.

After sometime passed, Patty Walters (lead vocals and frontman for As It Is) brought out some hot tea and coffee for those of us in line. It was a really kind gesture and genuinely really helpful and pleasant because as mentioned earlier, it was cold as shit. Not many band dudes I know would go out of their way to do something like that-- Patty Walter is just a really fuking nice dude. We asked him what the deal was with the show-- he basically told us that for now the show was still happening as planned and we would probably have more news within the hour.

It became clear even if the show was going to happen, VIP wouldn’t, because at this point it was physically impossible. A half hour later we had a conversation with a venue employee who told us that show was still happening-- it was going to be super last minute and they may have to push back doors an hour or an hour and a half, but it was going to happen because they were on the way. Hope had returned, and the mood lifted and became less stressful. More people began showing up and everyone seemed to come to me to ask me what the fuck was going on and where they should line up--apparently I’m super approachable or seem to hold some sense of authority. Moms made beelines for me and asked me all their questions.

Another venue employee came out and gave us an update--the show was on and VIP would happen afterward. They would funnel everyone else out of the venue and we would stick around and do it then. They would find a way to also make sure everyone who had VIP still got early entry, but at that point they didn’t have the necessary list and it was still very up in the air as far as when doors were going to be.

The sun was going down now and the wind was picking up, and the cold became somehow more bitter and miserable. But we held on to the hope that it would all be worth it once the show began, and were even looking forward to a longer set from As It Is and for post-show VIP to not be rushed since the following day was an off day. Then finally, the inevitable happened; just before 5:30, venue employees came out to tell us the show was cancelled; Waterparks wasn’t anywhere close enough to making it in time to play a show. They told us how refunds would work and that they were offering a show at another Denver venue they owned for the opening bands if they wanted it for the following night. The bands all tweeted out that the show was cancelled and everyone at the venue was just disappointed and cold.

Everyone there was really hoping that since As It Is was there with all their equipment that maybe they would play an acoustic set outside considering there was less than 30 of us, but that didn’t happen. In my experience, the guys in As It Is are nothing but incredibly kind to their fans and I’m certain there’s a good reason that they couldn’t or didn’t. Patty did come out again to chat and meet everyone who was still at the venue, which was kind. I talked with him about Aspen and I’s travelling to the next few shows and got him to film something for my vlog (which will be up in the next day or two-- subscribe and turn on post notifications for my channel here to see it when it goes up as well as future content), and left.

When it comes to the show being cancelled, I’ll just say this-- at first I was upset and a little angry. Not at any of the bands or venue staff because none of this was any of their faults in the slightest-- I was just very angry and disappointed with the situation. As far as I know they had never cancelled a show and we just got unlucky-- I’m sure they wouldn’t have cancelled if they didn’t absolutely have to, and I’m also sure they did everything they could to try and make it happen. Unfortunately, there’s just some situations we don’t have control over. I had been waiting outside in the freezing cold since 6am and was upset I had wasted my time and really bummed a hometown show wasn’t happening, but at the end of the day I’m glad everyone on the tour ended up safe and incredibly thankful that I still had 5 more opportunities to see them--most people counting on that show weren’t so lucky. I do feel really bad for Aspen as this was the only show she had VIP for and they’re sold out for the rest of them-- I know having a minute with the guys meant a lot to her and that this is a really, really rough time of year for her. Myself and a few friends are trying to figure out if there’s anything that can be done for her in regard to VIP for upcoming shows, but nothing as of yet.

I also give mad props to Sleep On it and Chapel-- Chapel held an event in Denver today (A Sunday Brunch at a Denver IHOP to hang out with Denver fans who missed out on a show and celebrate their New EP, “Sunday Brunch”. I haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, but I’m planning on listening to is on this drive and I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. Check it out, it’s on Spotify), and Sleep On It took the offer from the venue to book a show at another venue and invited some Denver local bands to open. Only $10 and SOI got a headlining show, which is pretty cool. I talked to a solid handful of people yesterday that were mainly there for Sleep On It, so that’s really rad for them. I’d be there if I could, but Aspen and I decided it’d be best to not try to do our drive to Kansas overnight considering the amount of overnight drives we DO have to make over the next few days.

Anywho, back to what happened after the show was officially cancelled. Inviting a few girls behind us in line that we had met at a Waterparks show in February, we all went to a wendy’s near by to eat our feelings and try to not think about the negatives of the situation. The plan was to stop by Walmart on the way home to grab a few last minute things we needed for the rest of our trip on the way home and then get a full nights’ sleep before heading out for an 8 hour drive to Kansas the next day, but we were met with a very unexpected and slightly terrifying setback.

You see, whilst in this wendy’s chatting and enjoying our food, a fist-fight broke out in the lobby. Honestly not unusual for this particular strip of downtown Denver, but still startling. What was more startling was how oblivious the employees were. Although my memory of the whole thing is a little fuzzy due to lack of sleep, I remember it didn’t last long and they went outside to seemingly cool off. Before too long they started violently fighting in the parking lot and one of the guys reached for his belt in a way that one would reach for a concealed carry if they had one. Here’s the thing; I don’t fuck around with guns. Especially not with how many violent shootings have taken place the past few months in the US, and in the past few weeks in particular in the Colorado Springs and Denver areas. The employees went outside to break it up and they left, but we decided it would be best to leave.

On the way out, an old guy asked me “Girl, do you take them shots like Nicki Minaj?”Not entirely sure what he meant, but just assuming it was a comment about my ass, because, I mean, it’s Nicki Minaj. If this means something else, please enlighten me. Again, not an usual to be uncomfortably hit on by dirty homeless men in this part of town, but still a weird note to leave the Wendy’s on. We sat in our car while we waited for one of the girls we were with’s ride to show up.

While we were waiting, the guy who was acting like he had a gun earlier came back. He was circling the parking lot in his car, and eventually parked the car and got out, like he was looking for the guy from earlier. This happened like four times and he had a murderous look in his eye. At this point I was honestly shocked no one had called the cops yet-- was it that much of a casually regular situation in this part of town? I was starting to get more scared of the fact that this guy probably had a gun and was angry, so I called the cops. I guess at some point someone else had already called, because while talking to the operator like 6 squad cars showed up. She told me to go ahead and hang up and talk to the officers on the scene instead since they were already there. This led to us sitting out in the cold, again, for another solid half hour while the cops collected information on the guy and asked us questions about what we saw and such. This guy made the mistake of sticking his head around the corner and we told the officer, who ended up finding and detaining the guy in an alleyway a few minutes later. Turns out the guy just had a knife, not a gun, but was lying to the cops about the car being his when they traced the plates back to him. I don’t know exactly what the deal with the dude’s car was, but I’m pretty sure they were fake or from a stolen car based off the overheard conversation between officers and watching them take the plates off the car. We answered a few more questions, gave our contact info, and FINALLY left.

We made a few errands on the way home and passed out at my apartment in CO Springs around 11, too tired to function. After a lot of typical travel setbacks this morning, we finally got on the road to Kansas around noon and at this point I’m praying to any God there may be out there that the rest of this trip goes better than expected, or at least as planned. We’re about 3 hours away from our AirBNB in Lawrence, KS now and the sunset is pretty rad. Enjoy this low quality picture of a high quality sky:

The plan is to get a full nights’ sleep and get in line early for the Lawrence show tomorrow; Not 6am early, but still early. We’re gonna be going on no sleep for some of these shows, so we wanna take advantage of the off days and the nights when we’ll actually be able to sleep in a bed. It’s still kind of surreal that after all the time we spent planning this trip that we’re actually getting to do this kind of travel. Even though I’ll be spending most of my time sleeping or waiting outside venues, I’m really excited to see parts of the country I’ve never seen before and for the experiences I’m gonna have, for better or for worse. Thank you for doing it with me; I’m gonna try to catch a nap and work on some other stuff, but I’ll be back in a day or two to update on my experiences and hopefully, a show. (I don’t know why another would get cancelled, I’m just afraid to expect anything in fear of being disappointed again at this point). Holy shit, I just realized this is like 8 pages. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking around. See ya in Lawrence!

--LIZ

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balarsen22 · 7 years

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Therapy 4/13 through Therapy 4/14 (an insane 24 hours)

Thursday afternoon we started out talking about neurofeedback, and that I meet with Dr. Steve on Tuesday. She asked me how my appointment went with Connie, and told her how I fired her and everything that had happened in the appointment. Jessica wasn't thrilled about me being on ambien, but did agree that I needed some sleep, and this is temporary at least. She seemed disappointed that I didn't show her my cuts, but I told her that there was no way in hell I was going to show them to her, and that clearly I showed in the appointment that my current medical judgement was better than hers. And anyways, they’re all scabs anyways. She asked if I heard any more about possibly retaking the exam, and I told her how I’m not going to be allowed to and I scored a whopping 7/100 on it. I said that I figured out that I probably won't fail the course if I do well on my next exam and the final, I told her that I had a really rough night after I found out. When I left her office yesterday I still felt like shit, as the night went on got worse to the the point that I seriously considered checking myself into the hospital, and had I not been riding with shannon and megan down to Greeley for scrimmage. I told her that I didn't skate, but it kept me safe for the time being. I considered asking them to take me to the hospital, but by the time I got home I was a little better (and I realized that I’m not going to any hospital or treatment center unless someone makes me). She was really happy with the coping skills I had used once I got home, but took it badly otherwise. I mean, the fact that I cut and seriously considered suicide within 4 days of each other isn't a good sign. She’s worried, and I guess for good reason. She said she wanted to try tracking something, and had me list all of my meds. She was really surprised at the amount of stuff I’m on- I joked that I feel like an old person with my big pill boxes I use. She then had me rate my my anxiety over the last few weeks, which is usually around a 5. She asked me if I could ever remember a time that I wasn't anxious at all, and I realized its probably been since early middle school. or at least its averaged to about a 5, sometimes it spikes and I have panic attacks, currently about every other day or every 3 days. And she recorded the symptoms I have- racing heart, can't slow my thoughts, feel like I can't breathe. She asked the same questions for depression- over the last few weeks I rated depression around a 7, with symptoms including lack of motivation, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. I said how it also comes in waves, and she asked me how many times in the last week it hit a 10. Within the last week, it was 3 or 4 times. She was concerned about that too, because I take a lot of different meds. She said she was going to consult a doctor about it (someone other than Connie). She said that it would be good to have a doctor watch me for a few days with it, and asked me if I thought I should go to the hospital. I admitted that I might need it, but I have too much going on right now and I can’t. I said I wasn’t going to go unless someone made me. I can't just drop everything in my lfie, even though i know I probably need it. But I had admitted that one thing I told myself last night was that if it didn't get better, I could always do it the next night. She asked me if I could keep myself safe tonight, and I honestly couldn't answer. I knew I would be good until after scrimmage for derby, but after that I really don't know. I said I would like to think I would be, and I don't plan on doing anything right now and used a lot of coping skills the other night. She asked again if I thought I needed to go to the hospital again. I was quiet, and then finally admitted that one of the things that got me through wednesday night was the thought that I could always do it tomorrow night. After I said that, she told me that I needed to go to the hospital. That I could either go voluntarily, or that she would have the cops come. She had me call Megan to see if she would take me. She gave Megan her number to text her when we got to the hospital and where I was. And then it was time to go. Session had already gone 5 minutes over. She got up and spread her arms, and gave me a hug. She told me it was going to be okay. I left, and then turned around and knocked on her door and asked what I should do about school, about the fact that I have an exam tomorrow, and next week. She told me that that’s what case management is for, and that she already has a release with me for CSU signed and that she would contact them. And then I left.

On my way home I texted Megan to let her know I was leaving the office- she was already at my house and waiting. I got a text from my dad, saying that he heard I had a rough day on Wednesday with my anesthesia equipment exam, and that he’s thinking of me. And then I started freaking out. Especially about telling my parents that I was in the hospital on suicide watch...). I started thinking of all the things I had to get done this weekend, and school, and what I would tell my coaches, and the punchies team (that i’m a captain for), and work, and my professors. I texted Jessica to see if maybe if I could just stay with a friend tonight. I didn't get a reply. I got home and Megan was waiting, she looked so sad and worried. And she was really quiet, which is unlike her. I tried to slow my mind down enough to figure out what to pack. The last time I was at mountaincrest they didn't let me bring jake, but that was 4 years ago. I was thinking of everything i had at TK, but also that I probably couldn't have any strings on my clothes or shoelaces on my shoes, and trying to figure out what else I would and wouldn't be allowed to have. I was trying to figure out if I could bring Jake. I was trying to figure out what to do. I didn't want to go, but I was going to go. My head was racing as I tried to get some stuff together, and it took awhile. But eventually I got my stuff together enough to go. Megan started driving towards PVH, and I tried to get normal conversation going. We had barely gone 2 miles when Jessica called me back. She had been in session, which is why she hadn’t replied. She told me that if Megan was okay with it, I could spend the night there, but if I felt like I couldn't stay safe I needed to go to the hosptial. She told me she would see me at 3pm on friday- it wasn’t a question, I either was going to be there tomorrow at 3 or I was going to the hospital. So Megan turned around and brought me home, and I told her I would grab my shit and maybe eat some dinner, and I’d be over in about 20-30 minutes.

I walked in my room and cried for a little while, and then once I could control myself I threw my stuff in a bag and got my derby gear together. I ate a bowl of cereal really quick (I knew I wouldn't be able to handle much more than just that), and headed over to Megan’s. I tried to act normal, and we played bananagrams with Cam. It really brought me back to my time at TK and ERC, because that was what we always played. We left for the league meeting, and then had derby scrimmage after that. I skated, and was mostly there. I didn't feel like I played the greatest and was just completely mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. But I was told that I had some good moves while I was jamming, so that was cool. Hurt and I were joking on the sidelines when we were jamming for punchies about how we cringe when we go up against lines that had trick, and pounder, and mal, and ub, and boss, and all of them, and how they just kick our ass. Urrkin overheard us, and came over to remind us that we’ve been playing for under a year, and that it's a good sign because they’re having to actually work to contain us, so not to get too down on ourselves. So that was kinda cool. But I almost fouled out- I had 6 fouls (I would foul out at 7). Normally I skate pretty clean, so that was weird. I struggled a bit when we played our bruiser lines, because they just have me rotate through different positions. Which I like all of the positions except out, because that is definitely my weak side (especially after pulling that muscle in my right leg, I can't brace quite as well on it). I don't talk much and I’m not very good at being uplifting, but I’m trying really hard to give UB a lot of positive feedback- it seems like lately all she gets from other people and the coaches is what she did wrong, and I always can kinda see her deflate a little (although she puts on a good front). I told her that she’s doing great and that she communicates more than what the coaches realize on the track, and to try to not let it get to her- they are finding smaller nit-picky things because she does everything else so well and know that she can handle it. Most of the time people just tell me good job and leave it at that, probably because I’m still pretty new (I’ve been skating for almost 8 months now though!) After derby, punchie’s captains had to meet with the resolutions committee because Dead had an issue with us not making an exception for her not getting in all of her attendence hours to be eligible to play. I just wanted to leave. As I sat there, I realized exactly how quiet I really am in comparison to others in those situations.

Megan drove back to her place, and we checked in on the way home. I wasn't nearly in as bad of a place as I was last night, but was still struggling some. I explained some of the coping skills that I used. We dawdled a little bit before going to bed. I was tired, and I kept having intrusive thoughts of suicide, but was doing my best to use good coping skills. I had the realization that derby may be a more socially acceptable form of self harm for me (mainly because I somehow got velcro burns in my armpits and every time I moved my arms it stung, and helped with the self harm urges. I attempted to go to sleep on the couch, but was up for another hour or two. My mind got dark, but it helped a lot being at megan’s house. being there was my constant reminder of why I am not allowed to give in to the urges. Knowing what it would do to the people I love and care about is ultimately what is keeping me going right now. So I did some ab work (quietly), and progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing, and tried to distract myself on my phone. I eventually fell asleep around 2, but woke up around 4:30 and gave up on sleep around 5. Megan had wanted me to let her know when I was leaving, so I poked my head in their room like she had asked. Idk if she actually heard me, but Cameron acknowledged it. I went home and got ready for school, and then went to Path and studied for a few hours before the exam. It was an open note exam, but I only got 85% on it and it was pretty hard. Cardiology kinda sucks, and I couldn't focus. I’m just tired. I picked up my prescriptions over lunch, and worked hard to focus on the anesthesia lecture. I need to rock these next 2 exams if i’m going to pull off a B in the class (because the equipment exam really fucked my grade over). I skipped therio because I had to meet with Jessica at 3, even though I really ned to pay more attention in their because I need to do well on that exam too, or I’m going to end up with a C in the class...

Friday afternoon we talked about how last night went and what ended up happening since I saw her last, and how the exam went. She asked why I backed out of going to the hospital, and I told her all the things that were racing around in my head. I brought up how shitty I felt for putting Megan in that position, and she agreed with me that I can't do that to her again. She asked about the rest of the night, and I told her how I only got a few hours of sleep. I tried to tell her at first that I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, but she called me out on it. She said that she knows I’m afraid of having to go to the hospital, but she can't work with me if I lie to her. She asked me again and I told her the truth that yes, i did, but I used healthy coping skills and being at Megan’s house was my constant reminder of why I can't hurt myself. She asked me what my plan is from here, because I need more help than what she can give me. She feels like she’s just putting out fires every time that we meet, which has been the norm lately. We haven't gotten to do EMDR in a few weeks because of it. She told me that she thinks I need to go to residential. She even has a place picked out that she wants me to go- Sierra Tuscon (provided they take my insurance). I do not want to go. I don’t want to give up everything i have planned for the summer. She said that it would be different than TK, that I wouldn't be going for the eating disorder this time and would focus on the mood and depression instead. But I still am against going. She asked how I was feeling, which at that point I had gone numb. I was exhuasted. She asked why, and I explained that I usually feel nothing at all or everything at once. She said that maybe in here would be a good time to feel everything at once- I joked that I think she just wants to finally see me cry. She always asks what the face I had made was for, so when she made a face I asked her right back. I joke that 2 could play at that game. She said I could always ask her, and I laughed, because I don't ask many questions. She directed us back to the conversation said that something has to give though- it’s not ethical for her to keep treating me if I’m not getting better, or if I just keep getting worse. I said that I’m hoping that maybe if I can get some sleep, I will start to improve. I had just picked up my ambien (they didn't have it in yesterday), so maybe tonight I would actually sleep. I know from experience that when I get this sleep deprived everything else starts to fall apart. She said that if the ambien doesn’t work, that I’m a medical anomaly. We decided that we would give the ambien 2 weeks to work and see if that improves my mood at all. If it doesn't, we would reevaluate, and I would have to go to residential. If it helps some, we will find an IOP. I would prefer an IOP, at least that way I don't have to give up my entire life I have planned for the summer. She asked what would happen if school found out about all of this stuff. I mean, if I go to school for 9 months and residential for 3 months out of the year, or if they caught wind of all the stuff I’ve been doing outside of school. She said they would see me as a liability, and could kick me out. I don’t want to think of that. They won’t find out what’s going on outside of school unless I’m hospitalized or unless I tell someone, so there’s that. She lightened up the conversation for a moment by asking me who she was going to have staring contests with when I leave in a few years? She always comments about how I almost never blink. Most sessions I stare her down, trying to figure out what she She then told me to get out my phone, and that I was going to call my mom. I told her I couldn't. How do you tell the people that gave you life, that raised you, that you want to die? She said that either I could in here, or I could do it outside of session, but if I chose to do it outside of session that she would have to call too, just to make sure that I actually did. I talked about how my mom gets this voice though, when she’s worried or has bad news, and it tears me apart. She said I could text them instead, but I said that mom would still call with that worried voice. She said that they would rather be updated and know that we are working on it and have a plan, rather than be blindsided like they were last year with residential. She said she knows it's hard for me to keep them in the loop because I have always worked so hard to keep them out of the loop for this type of stuff, but they have the right to know. That receiving this sort of information is better than receiving a text that their child is dead. I said there’s no way they would be informed via text, but she said that a lot of times if parents are out of state they may hear through the grapevine. That made me think of the time I yelled at my mom for not telling me that grandma had broken her arm, and I found out when Carrie posted a picture of them together on facebook. I took out my phone, and she helped me write the text (she said how she’d explain it, and I made it my own). I ended up texting them “I just want to let you know that I've been pretty depressed and sleep deprived lately, and I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts this last week. I've been seeing Jessica daily and we have a safety plan in place. I have been prescribed a new sleeping medication and we're hoping that once I get some decent sleep I will bounce back, but if not we are considering hospitalization and higher levels of treatment again. I'd rather not talk about it, but I'm safe and I just wanted to let you know.” I showed her that it sent (and sent to mom and dad). I told her that my mom was going to call, she didn't think so, and for me to stop shooting daggers at her through my eyes. She asked about my plans for the rest of the night and the weekend: I told her I had to take off of work to meet with her, so I was going to drop off my meds at Megan’s, and then go home and hopefully mow the lawn because my yard is a forest, and try to go to bed early. I have a punchies bout saturday night, but otherwise I’m going to study for my anesthesia exam on tuesday because I need to ace the next 2. My dad had texted me back while we were talking, and my mom a few minutes later. Jessica was happy with what they said, and that she was right that my mom hadn’t called me. I told her to just wait, and then my phone started ringing. I said I told her so. My mom just wanted to see if there was anything she could do, but there’s nothing my parents can do right now. She asked me to ask jessica if there was anything she could do, and Jessica agreed that there wasnt anything they could do right now, but if she thought of anything she would let her know. My phone was loud enough that Jessica could hear the conversation with my mom too (it’s really quiet in her office most of the time). I asked her if she heard the voice, and she said that she loves my mom’s voice, that it’s so sweet. I asked her if she would think the same thing if her mom used that type of voice with her, and she acknowledged that she would feel the same thing. We ran out of time. I won't see her until Tuesday, but she made me promise that if the thoughts got bad again I would go to the hospital. It’s the last thing in the world I want to do, but I agreed.

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