#i want to cry this was so freaking hard to post like tumblr deleted EVERYTHING | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

firefistlaw · 7 years

Text

Ship #2 🌺

This is the second ship/match up! I hope you’re not mad that it took so long, please enjoy it and be happy; you got Snooji! Thank you for playing in the “special special”!! @musicmarble

Your partner is Snooji Sanji!

When Sanji first announced his love for you, no one was surprised, but when he started to ignore other woman and only cared for you, they knew, he got serious. He falls for your energy and for the love you have for your friends. When he first met you, he wanted nothing more than to be called one of your friends, but after some time, he wanted, no, needed more of you. He is a sucker for your voice and whenever you ask him if he’s hungy, his heart jumps in excitement. He doesn’t care at all that you might not suit the “girly person” society has build, he is only interested in you and your personality, the rest doesn’t matter. For him, you’re the most beautiful person he has laid his eyes on, even if you say that you’re imperfect and that you have flaws, your him you’re a masterpiece. He makes sure you know your real worth, even if he has to tell you every night. Also, when he found out about your past, he realised that you both have more in common than you think. Without noticing, he found the perfect match for him and he is not ready to let you leave all too fast.

Your best friend is Chopper!

Sweet, precious and maybe a little dork; here are two perfect best friends. You and Chopper click the first second you meet each other and are not able to be without each other for too long. You both get high on each others’ spirit and never fail to make everyone else feel happy, that’s just how you both work. He is a doctor too, so he will try to help you whenever you feel a bit pain from your injury, he will notice if you’re acting different than unsual and will make sure to make you feel better. Also, if stupid Snooji ever hurts your feelings, this little cutie will beat his ass for you, believe me. Sometimes you both sit around for hours and talk about anything, sometimes you play pranks on the others and snicker behind books.

Your bounty is 80 Thousand Berry!

First, you’re a part of the strawhat crew, so let’s put some berry on your head. Second, you’re the partner of Sanji, so let’s put some more berry on your head. Third, that one time, in middle of a fight, you accidentaly kicked someone so hard, they went unconscious for a few hours, which made everyone wonder… how the hell did you do that? You don’t know, they don’t know… lets put some more berry on your mysterious head.

Your secret admirer is Usopp!

He hates himself for the way he feels, he feels so so bad! Sanji is one of his family, his brother and yet, he crushes on his partner… It was the way you laughed, the way you adapted to your friends and the way you cared so deeply for them, that he couldn’t stop himself and fell for you. You were something different in his eyes; a treasure that didn’t know it’s worth and he was swept away from it. When you went up to him and asked him if he could teach you to become a sniper, his heart stopped in his chest. You just turned more perfect by the second, but he couldn’t act on his feelings. He decides that his friendship with Sanji was more important than his feelings, so he leaves you alone. After some time, he feels himself losing his interest in you and he’s glad. But deep down, he still has a sweet spot for his brothers partner.

Worst enemy is Enel!

You both, you barely know each other, but from the short moment you saw each other, a horrible and deep enemyship was born. You hate this guy with everything you can think of and he? He thinks it’s fun, so he hates you back. Sanji and Chopper had to pull you back in skypia, so you wouldn’t run into your death, but you were harder to calm down than expected. It was the way he talked, the way he wanted so much attention and the way he treated others that made you hate him. When Luffy beat his ass, you were glad, bu still to this day; every time you hear his name, you just get grumpy. You both had some other kinds of sparks..

Who comes and saves you if you’re in danger: Jinbei! (Jinbae)

Look at this Jinbae, he will fight everyone for you! He will get all of his friends/fighters to save you, not only because you’re in the strawhat crew, nah, because you both are good friends as well. He loves the way you talk about the ocean and he will not let someone hurt you, not now and not later.

Who is secretly trying to catch you and get your bounty: Big Mom! (Spoiler)

SPOILER WARNING! When she found out that you were in a relationship with Sanji, she knew, she had to get you in her hands. There could be only one person who can have Sanji and in her eyes; it couldn’t be you. So, to everyone’s surprise, the yonko wants you. You, the 80 thousand berry person. To say that you’re shocked is not enough to explain what goes through your head.

Kitchen concert - a little drabble

Soft sounds of Sanji cutting vegetables surround your figure leaning against the kitchen counter, making you sigh in content. Today had been a quiet day, dark clouds were shielding the bright sunlight away, making everyone either hide in their rooms or relax in the kitchen. You didn’t mind though, it was nice to relax like this from time to time.

You glance at your boyfriend moving the knife faster than you ever could and lean your head back, sighing another time.

“Are you okay, my love?” The sounds of the knife turn quieter. You look at the blonde haired man and see him staring at you in amusement. “Are you so bored?”

“No…” You mumble and shift from one foot to another. “I’m just a bit tired.”

Sanji nods, turns back to his work and is about to start again, when he stops another time. “Y/N, come here.”

“Hm?” You frown and stay where you are, not knowing what he wants.

“Come here for a second, I promise, I won’t bite.” He says and winks. “Not now.”

You feel yourself blushing and slowly walk up to him, avoiding his eyes. You hear him mumble something about you being cute and then, he stands behind you, arms wrapped around your body. “What-”

“I’m scared you will fall asleep, so I’d rather have you here in my arms.” He whispers into your hair and softly pecks your cheek. You purse your lips, trying to hide the smile that tries to escape.

You stay in his warm arms for a few minutes and stare at him cutting food, still surprised at how good he actually is. Neither of you say something, both enjoying the company, when suddenly, you start to hum quietly, still shy.

Your boyfriend stops his actions- you stop. He turns his head towards you and smiles. “Ah, don’t be shy. You sound so nice, don’t hide it!” But you’re still too embarrassed, which makes Sanji sigh.

“Okay then.” He says and kisses your cheek again, making you turn your head to the side, laughing quietly. You lean back against his body and after a few seconds, Sanji starts to hum himself, quiet at first, but grows louder with every second that passes. You take another glance at him and bite your lip, slowly joining him.

You grow more and more comfortable and after a few more seconds, you start to sing quietly. Sanji makes sure to sing along, even tries to sing the instruments, which makes you laugh.

Suddenly, the door opens and a skeleton comes inside. “Is this a concert? Yohohoho, let me join!”

“I want too!” The sweet voice of your best friend echoes through the kitchen and then he appears in front of your eyes; Chopper.

You smile and turn around, about to walk to your friends, when Sanji steals a kiss from your lips, making Chopper giggle loudly. Your cheeks turn deep red, but Sanji just winks. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

#i want to cry this was so freaking hard to post like tumblr deleted EVERYTHING #ship #ships #one piece ships #match ups #my stuff #special special

23 notes · View notes

noire-pandora · 3 years

Text

About me

I’ve been tagged @kunstpause @dismalzelenka @queen-kass-the-writer @curiousthimble @morganlefaye79 @barbex thank you for the tag, you’re always so nice with me!

1: Why did you choose your url?

Noire comes from a character I used to love as a teenager from an anime that made me cry like an idiot in front of my PC (once, I cried so hard, i got a nosebleed. What can I say, I’m a cry baby). The name of that character is Gauche Suede (from Tagami Bachi) that, after becomes the “villain”, he goes by the name “Noir”. I just added the “e” because “Noir” is the masculine French for the colour black (i hope I’m remembering that right) so the “e” made it feminine. Look, I used to love and study the French language when I made this Tumblr, I had to respect the grammar rules xD.

Pandora comes from Pandora’s box because I consider Tumblr to be a freaking Pandora box. So Noire-Pandora= My Pandora’s box. (Yeah, I was 15 when I made this. So edgy, right?)

2: Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

I have....too many of them.

- noirepersonal is my personal Tumblr where i can reblog all the memes I want without spamming the people following me for Dragon Age.

- twcgreen is my Wayhaven Chronicles one but I don’t use it anymore because I’ve noticed the fandom is kinda shitty, to put it mildly. (not everyone, ofc, but the people who stirred up shit in the DA fandom are very vocal in there and I’d rather not deal with them. I’ll yell my love on the TWC discord servers)

- ina-shep is my Mass Effect one because I had the pressing need to reblog Mass Effect art.

3: How long have you been on tumblr?

2010.....10 years...no wait....this month marks the 11th year. Since I was 15 years old. Wow, I really haven’t changed that much huh.....

4: Do you have a queue tag?

No. In 11 years, I haven’t got the hang of the queue option. I just log in, reblog everything and log out.😂

5: Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Because I was curious to see what was this Tumblr place everyone spoke about on Yahoo Messenger. xD

6: Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

That's my lovely Elluin made by Tobio Fish on Twitter. I choose her because I'm obsessed with her.

7: Why did you choose your header?

Because I think the dragon age games are neat.

8: What’s your post with the most notes?

This one.....

I made it when I was 15 years old and it's still me. I'm a douchbag friend.

9: How many mutuals do you have?

I don't know how to check that.

10: How many followers do you have?

Before you say something, I want you to remember I had this Tumblr for 11 years and I've been in too many fandoms. And yes, I was this loud in every single one of them. Anyway 3582 but I'm sure only 20 people reblog my stuff.

11: How many people do you follow?

1241 tumblrs. I need to do a following clean up soon.

12: Have you ever made a shitpost?

Nah, I'm not funny enough for that.

13: How often do you use tumblr each day?

I used to spend too many hours on this site. Since I've started writing, not so many.

14: Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Nah, fuck that. I won't fight people here. I've deleted every shitty anon message and blocked every person that tried to start shit with me. I refused to answer to any vague posts made towards me. I don't have the patience and the brain cells to fight.

15: How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

No one can make me reblog stuff I don't want to reblog. This is my Pandora box and I will do whatever I want with it.

16: Do you like tag games?

Yes, I love them! Please tag me in stuff.

17: Do you like ask games?

Oh yeah, especially when I can yell about my OCs.

18.Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Platonic crushes? Heck yeah. Y'all are too awesome not to like. Romantic ones? Nope.

Tagging: @emerald-amidst-gold @oxygenforthewicked @cleverblackcat @ma-serannas-vhenan @little-lightning-lavellan

@musetta3 @roguelioness @dreadfutures @fandomn00blr @dragonswithjetpacks @sidhelives @potatowitch @best-of-the-vein

No pressure at all. Let me know if you don't want to be tagged anymore or of you want to be tagged more!

#about me #noire's useless rant

17 notes · View notes

datingdonovan · 2 years

Note

Aaawwww I'm sorry that you're sick cece!! Hope you rest up and take care of yourself!!

Fun things: today I was hit HARD by ennoshita brainrot (yes I am an ennoshita lover to answer ur question from your answer in the ask game) and I just want to hang out with him and be domestic with him. Just lay in the same room with a movie we're both half-paying attention to, and sometimes he'll be like "omg watch this part" for a scene and then ramble about some fun fact about the production or the actor or something about lore of the movie, and I'll do the same ;___;

Other fun things: I'm playing animal crossing new horizons again. What chars do you think would have the most organized, decorated island with the best themes, and which would have the most wilderness and disorganized didnt even try island?

stop I just wrote an extremely long paragraph being super nostalgic about my film classes in the context of ennoshita and then accidentally deleted it somehow thanks tumblr but the jist was that he’s so unpretentious and it’s not him teaching you it’s just both of you nerding out together which I love🥰and it’s so great bc you’ll take separate classes but come back and watch the movies together and report to each other on every little thing you learned!! And you support each other thru the endless rewatches necessary to write your essays & discussion posts I literally wrote a whole thing ab how ennoshita has to write ab the searchers and you find it so corny the 2nd or 3rd time thru but you keep watching it w him to be supportive lol, and likewise you both are crying your eyes out rewatching the ending of in the mood for love for you to write your discussion post I’m very angry at tumblr for deleting that lol and omg if there’s a special guest for one of your classes you both campaign SO hard for the other to get to come to the lecture, and if they can’t you watch some of the guest’s movies & relay in such detail to each other everything they talked about with the production, the editing, whatever it may be. ok I honestly think I’ve probably reproduced the majority of what I typed the first time. ugh. film student lovers w ennoshita, be still my small heart.

Hahahahahah on the animal crossing topic, this is just a list of ppl popping into my mind. Oikawa has a freaking gorgeous island, same with yachi. Makki’s is sooooo disorganized and kyoutani’s is probably also a mess but he doesn’t care ab how it looks he’s just glad nobody knows he plays. I feel like hinata & Noya would also have kinda garbage islands bc they don’t have the patience for it even tho they want to try lol. Kageyama probably tries briefly before he also loses patience and his results are….. ehhhhh😂😂😂 asahi’s looks great tho. Suga’s too. OSAMU’s is great and Atsumu is extremely jealous bc his is a flop. Probably Suna’s is pretty good too & he also makes fun of Atsumu but watch out suna what if some… catastrophic mistake… happened…….. what if you experienced some dreadful….. sabotage???? Tendou’s island is fantastic. He puts so much care into fictional worlds and no one can convince me otherwise. Gets the game for ushijima who has no clue what he’s doing, but actually is trying for his friends sake, so his islands mediocre. Futakuchi’s is terrible and embarrassing and frustrating to him despite all his best efforts lol. Kenmas is obviously stellar. Daichi tries so hard but he just doesn’t have the designers touch like suga lol. Kuroo just pesters kenma for help but it mostly just annoys kenma lol so kuroo kinda still ends up w his looking a lil blah. Terushima’s is surprisingly really good—he spent all his time working on it instead of actually doing his hw. I should shut up now I don’t know why I started just rattling off everything I thought of oh my word lol

#I’m in love w ONE!!! ennoshita chikara tn #ennoshita chikara #I’m literally going wild I’m sorry I just woke from a fever dream which I will prob make a post ab bc it was funny #and here I am making an extremely long post about the randomest things #at this rate I should make a hcs post ab the kids w their animal crossing islands lol #I’m sorry for being so loud blame this on the fact that I’m SICK😳😳😳😂😂😂😂#ask #asks #awake-atnight #thank you for distracting me from being sick tho omg🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#haikyuu!!#❤️❤️❤️I hope you’re staying healthy I am resting up and trying my best lol

2 notes · View notes

anniesocsandgeneralstore · 3 years

Text

Hey, It’s Really Ro. I promise.

I had a blog on here under the username @romanticgumchewer-deactivated20 . I went by Ro. I wrote fanfics for Mando and Oberyn Martell called Grow Old With You, Reasons Wicked and Divine, and Build a Home With You. I came up with characters named Ara Obagh and Aliana Tyrell (the baddest bitches to ever live). I came up with a ton of Mandalorian culture cause I didn’t feel like looking anything up. Spice fruit, headscarves, marriage traditions, foundling adoption process, and a bunch of other stuff. Yeah. That me.

Anyway, I’m only hopping on here for a quick minute to clear some stuff up on why I left and give some closure on Build a Home With You.

So, I deleted my tumblr first because of the toxic environment. The constant pressure to put out content. The fact that if your story isn’t a reader insert or super smutty it isn’t going to get read. I just got fed up after a while and deleted. I went solely to AO3 for a while, but everything just felt wrong. I was bored with what I was writing, I didn’t like anything I was writing, and I just didn’t feel good about any of it (or anything, for that matter, I hit a major depressive episode, y’all.). I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or make people feel like I was ignoring them, so I just deleted my AO3 as well. I still love Ara and Din and the story I didn’t complete, but I just was not feeling it anymore.

EDIT: Let me make this clear. I never wanted to include smut in anything that I wrote. I’ve struggled with the fact that I may be Asexual for years (the coming out process is hard y’all). But because I was reading what others wrote before I put out any of my own stuff, I felt like I HAD to include smut in order for the things I wrote to be read. And maybe that means I was writing this for the wrong reasons. But I felt that the story I wrote and the character I created was good and DESERVED to be read by people who like the Mandalorian. But it just....over time more and more it became something I was no longer proud of or felt was mine. If that makes sense?

But then I got an idea. An original story idea in my own world that I created that includes versions of the OCs I made for these stories. Versions of Ara, Aliana, Din, and Oberyn. I’ve never felt this much passion for a story before and it is going really well so far. I’ve always wanted to write for a living, to have something of mine published and in book stores. And I feel like this story could take me there. And if it does get there, if y’all would be kind enough NOT to mention that it was once fanfic that would be great. Please and thank you.

So now for some closure, shall we? Where I left off Build a Home With You Ara is pregnant, they live on Naboo as farmers, and Cara has just found Moff Gideon hiding out on Denon.

They go after Gideon, Ara comes long even though she is VERY pregnant. They find him, but before they can get him Ara gives birth on the Razor Crest. To a little girl named Reykha (I actually have the birth scene written out. Let me know if y’all want me to post that or not.) They fly back to Naboo and live a pretty chill life under the radar for several years. It’s not until Reykha is seven that Moff Gideon finally finds them on Naboo, but he discovers that Reykha is stronger in the force than baby yoda (freaking GROGU). So he stages an attack on the farm, Ara and Din are fighting like crazy while Grogu and Reykha are hiding in their house with Rahto. But when the fighting is over, the farm wins OBVIOUSLY, they have everyone in cuffs including Gideon. But when Ara goes to get the kids: Rahto is badly injured, Grogu is in hiding, and Reykha is gone. She storms back out of the house and tells Din Reykha is gone. Gideon overhears and laughs, looks to the sky and they see one Imperial ship flying away. They know exactly what this means. Reykha has been taken by the Empire. So in a fit of pure rage, Ara takes the black saber from Gideon (which she also fought him while he weilded against her #badass) and interrogates him with it. Asking where they took her daughter, but he never gives it away. She ends up cutting his head off with the saber. So for the next….13 or so years, they’re flying literally all over the universe trying to find her (#heartwrenching). They’ve basically given up hope, when they run into Maz again, who tells them of a brown-eyed girl she met named Rey who was strong in the force. They go searching for this Rey. But it’s not until they get recruited by the Resistance to fight against the Final Order, the battle is won, and they’ve landed back on that jungle planet at the end of the Rise of Skywalker that they finally find this Rey. Gosh, I was probably gonna cry while writing this. They step out of the Crest, they see a girl with dark brown hair hugging two men. The girl turns, sensing their presence. Ara and Din are so hesitant, so unsure. They approach the girl who begins to cry but does not know why. “Reykha?” Ara whispers, and reaches out to touch her cheek. When she does, all of Rey’s true memories come back to her, not the ones planted in her brain by Palpatine. “Mama?” Rey whispers just before the women meet in a crushing embrace. I liked to think that Din would remove his helmet in this moment, just so he could see his daughter’s face for the first time in 13 years unfiltered. And that Creed no longer matters to him. She is safe, she is back with them, he is finally free to just be Din without being the Mandalorian. So Rey hugs Din too cause that’s freaking PAPA right there BOY.

Rey FUCKING DJARIN (Obagh technically but who cares?) Y’ALL

And for an epilogue I was going to have Rey be with….some ambiguous character that was up to interpretation (could be Finn, Poe, Rose, some other person of the reader’s choice). They’re back on the farm on Naboo where Ara and Din have lived a long good life. In the end, Rahto gave them the farm as an inheritance. ANYWAY she’s on the farm with this person and Grogu obviously and…..well they’re spreading Ara’s ashes on Danilah Pond. Din has already passed at this point. They both lived to a ripe old age. And that’s how it ends. Rey with her own family living on the Naboo farm, taking care of Grogu now, training him and Finn as a Jedi, and so on and so forth.

The end.

So uh…...I guess if y’all got questions just message me, send me an anon, an ask, whatever. I love you and I miss you all.

@harleyamidala @leo-moon @adikaofmandalore @thethoughtsfromthreeam @bbygrgu @uncomicalhumour (I only tagged the people I used to talk to a lot on here......sorry if I missed anyone it’s been a while.)

20 notes · View notes

artgirllullaby · 4 years

Text

Strangers Now, Friends Before

Ok, so... this was @jantomweek Day 5 “Childhood friends”...

Which apparently I finished AND NEVER POSTED????

If this was posted someone send me the link and I’ll delete this one.

I found it while organizing Tumblr and my own files to see if something got lost on the rambles of writing (and yes, there are a few) but i didn’t expect to have a whole thing in my files and never had posted????

Anyways, here it is, later as ever but oh well. I hope you guys like!

.................................................

Strangers Now, Friends Before

Tom didn’t need much to be happy. A good sleep, his comforter, a cozy place to relax and just do nothing. It wasn’t asking much and it wasn’t that all complicated.

So right then and there he was wondering how such thing seemed so freaking impossible as he stared at his best friend on the bars across the police district in a separate prison than his.

“This is your fault.”

“Oh excuse me, if I cared enough to get in a fight while trying to help you.”

“I told you I was fine.”

“Yeah, sure.” He sighed resting his back on the bars refusing to look at her, “Whatever.”

There was a few minutes of silence, both refusing to look at the other or talk about the fight. On his side he knew why he was avoiding, it wasn’t his fight in first place. He wasn’t even supposed to get into it or knock the guy unconscious, it was Janna thing and she was the one who should solve, but what anyone expected him to do when the guy grabbed her arm and tried to force her inside the car to do whatever?!

At same time he knew it was none of his business. Not when they haven’t talked to each other in five years. It wasn’t intentional, but as they grew they began to hang out with different people and have different interests. And then when they least expected they had nothing to talk about. He often stared at her contact over social media and thought on talking to her again, but awkwardness always had got the best of him and he gave up.

A few hours later a police officer came and opened the gates for his and her cell right after, “Ok, you two are clean. The witnesses around proved that you were only defending your friend and that he was indeed trying something on her.” The officer guided them through corridors out the cells and to the police department “The exams gave out the high level of alcohol in his blood, and he is filed by violence against women in the past. Some time in jail for trying to abuse a minor will give him a little reminder after he wake up.” The officer pointed out two seats for them “But next time, please don’t try dating a guy much older than you. For your safety, girl.”

“I didn’t know he was that old,” Janna finally spoke “I actually went to break up with him in my friend place since she was scared of his reaction. I thought he was a jerk on our age, I didn’t know he was over his twenties. I had a spray and a taser I thought it would be enough to make him leave me alone in worst scenario” She hugged herself and shivered “I didn’t think he would follow me on my way home after recovering.”

Tom put a hand on her shoulder to show support, but as she tensed he realized it might not been the best opinion and recoiled.

“Well, since you’re older you can leave. She will have to wait for her parents.”

“I will wait with her, if that’s not a problem.”

“If she doesn’t bother either, it’s up to you”

Janna didn’t said anything as he sat beside her, not even when her parents arrived and decided to file the case. Or when they asked Tom to deliver her to their home since there were still some documents to sign and would take time for those and for their lawyer to get there. Not even when he put his jacket on her since she was shivering from late night cold air. The walk back home was just as silent.

“Why did you care even?” Janna suddenly spoke a few quarters away from their home.

“Because you are my friend and he was hurting you.”

“Are we friends even?”

Tom frowned, “Of course… We are distant, but I never considered you less than a friend.”

“Doesn’t feel like.” She replied quietly.

Tom sighed looking at her “What is this about?”

“This is about you getting into my life. I appreciate, but I don’t understand.”

“What part of ‘I saw you in danger and reacted’ is hard for you to get?”

“The part in which I had got in worse and you didn’t care.”

He tried to defend himself “If I knew…”

“You should, it were your friends who got me on it.” Tom stopped walking to look at her back, hoping she would say it was a lie, but Janna kept walking without looking back “I thought you gave the order. I guess I was wrong about that at least.”

“I never… I would never…” He returned to walk until he was in front of her and held her shoulders so she stopped walking, “Janna, believe me, I had no idea… I’m sorry.”

Janna took a step back to be away from his touch and then continued to walk avoiding him, “Having them being jerks wasn’t worse than having your best friend turning his back on me and being just as cold.”

“That’s not how-”

“Then tell me why,” Janna said suddenly turning around and stopped walking to stare at his eyes “What’s your excuse for being distant?”

Tom gulped and tried to find the words to express himself “I… didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“With what?”

“With you, ok? I just… Couldn’t find a way to talk to you again without being weird.”

Janna frowned and gave him back his jacket, “Keep it, I can go home from here.”

“Janna!” Tom called when she started to walk and had to once again hold her so she wouldn’t escape, “Look, I swear I-”

“Save it.” Janna said taking his hands away from her. “You didn’t know who to deal with me after knowing about my crush on you? You could have said you needed time or whatever. But what I won’t forget is how you walked away from my life without ever looking back right after you ex girlfriend had exposed me to the whole school out of pure jealousy.”

“Why do you think I broke up in first place?!”

“Well, why didn’t come talk to me then?” Janna replied annoyed “I could have take my time away and give you space and whatever more you need… You just ignored me for years and suddenly come as a hero and… What now?!”

“I… We’ll figure out, ok?”

Janna turned around and walked back to her home, just a few more houses ahead. This time without complaining of his company. Tom kept close to her, a bit afraid she would try running away any minute. He put his jacket above her shoulders again, holding it in there.

When they got in her house, Janna put her keys on the door and unlocked, but instead of walking inside, she decided to turn to him and play with the key chains. Tom knew a signal of unwanted departure, so he took a step and stood closer, caressing her arms above his jacket.

“Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head, “Mostly when he grabbed my arm, it stings a bit and probably will be a bit purple tomorrow but that’s it.”

He hesitated for a moment, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged “just a bit shaken.”

“Do you want me to stay until your parents arrive? Would make you feel safe?”

“I don’t know… You got your stuff to do too.”

“Don’t worry about it, just tell me what you want.”

Janna sighed and rested her forehead on his chest whispering, “I want to know why you walked away in first place, and why you’re back.”

Tom looked beyond her head, to the little white flowers in her garden “It was stupid of me… I’m sorry. I don’t even… I guess I didn’t know how to deal with your feelings” he replied finally, “I didn’t know how to bring it up or how to come close after the whole fiasco my ex did… I was afraid I would hurt you even more or people would mess with you. It was wrong of me to leave you like that… I’m sorry.”

Janna shivered a bit and moved her hand, was she crying? “Why you’re back then? Why now?”

“Because I didn’t want to walk away in first place.” He confessed, “But I did, and you moved on and looked happy with your girlfriend and I thought… It was too late, that I had no right in stepping in your life and messing with your happiness. And I wish I didn’t stepped back like this but… it’s how things happened.”

He was caressing her back in circles when she sniffed and stood back, cleaning her face with her hand of the remaining tears and took a deep breath. “What made you so scared that I had a crush on you?”

“Because I didn’t know how to treat you right.” Tom laughed a bit at that “I always treated you like a stupid jerk and said stupid stuff. I didn’t know how to be other way with you… I still don’t. I couldn’t risk hurting you because I’m a idiot.”

“And ended up hurting a lot more.”

“Yeah… I’m really sorry about that.”

Janna touched his shirt, caressing the fabric gently and his chest as consequence “You know why I liked you in first place?”

“Why?” He asked curious.

“Because you were real.” She replied suddenly very interested in the stamp of his shirt “You didn’t look like a fairy tale or too good to be true. You were just what you’re to everyone else, there’s no difference. You weren’t like a dream or enchanted, but that’s what made you so great and special for me since we were kids. You didn’t mind if I was a girl or a boy who wanted to play pirates, and you didn’t care when I took interest in both boys and girls… You were real and that’s all I wanted.”

“I didn’t know.”

“You couldn’t. We never talked about it” she replied recoiling her hand.

They stood in silent for a minute, letting the night air hung on them and the sounds of night bring the calm around them for finally solving everything after so many years of yearning and longing a solution that none tried to take the step to actually solve.

The red haired boy hugged her and she let her face rest against his chest, taking profit of his warmth by pulling his jacket closer and nuzzling her face gently against his body. He didn’t mind, since he took profit by holding her close to rest his chin on her head (wow, he could actually do that now that he was taller), his arms resting around her gently, so she could pull away whenever she felt like.

“Tom?” Janna suddenly said.

“Yeah?” He replied nuzzling her hair gently without even noticing his own actions.

“As much as I hated myself for this along the years… It hasn’t changed.”

She stepped back just enough to look at his face, and Tom looked at her eyes a bit confused “What?”

“The only difference is that I’m no longer 11 having a silly crush on a older boy who’s 14… I’m older, so are you. And I despised I didn’t move on completely, there were always the thought of you in the back of my mind no matter how much I tried to fool myself.” Janna took a breath before confessing for once, “Things are still the same. I still like you just as much I liked you then…” She gulped looking down before looking at his face again “What do we do now?”

Tom looked at her shocked for a moment, then looked right at her lips and her face. He could feel her trusting his actions right then and there. To either turn her down or take the chance, she wanted to have a conclusion, to turn the page over or write it together.

He decided to write with her.

It was immediate reaction once he made the decision. His hands left her hips to cup her face and bring her closer, smashing his lips on hers eagerly. Eyes closing just mere seconds after hers. Janna lifted her arms to wrap around his neck, dropping his jacket in the process and kissed him back with hunger, her fingers passing on his hair caressing his scalp, her lips continued glued to his moving a bit tipsy like a first kiss and with too much longing for them to control or think on slowing down to adjust. His hands rested on her hips holding her close to him as before.

It took a few minutes for them to let the years of distance and unnoticed longing to vanish, even after slowing down and separating, both continued to share little kisses, hesitating to separate and stop the moment. Her hand rested on his chest as the other cupped his cheek.

“It’s late” she said between kisses, “I should get in.”

“And it’s cold… you should.”

And still none of them found the will to move out the embrace or stop the kisses for another five minutes.

“I can stay if you want.” He said finally, now tracing his kisses along her face, as apologies for being away for so long when he wanted that just as much as she did.

She nodded slightly to his suggestion, “Ok… I do like that…” she sighed when he kissed her forehead.

Sharing one more kiss, a bit longer than the others, Janna finally opened the door to her house and let him in as she closed the door again behind her. She went to turn the lights on and Tom found himself in a familiar place with few differences of walls and decorations.

“Just… to be sure,” She said resting her back against the wooden door “where do we stand?”

Tom looked back at the door, feeling the hesitation in her voice. It was comprehensive, he was a jerk in those years of distance and leaving her hanging without a “yes” or “no” during five years didn’t do well. He closed the distance between them and held her hand.

“We are together. I’m not leaving this time, Janna.”

He rested his forehead on hers looking into her eyes for a moment. She took her time to let the statement settle in her and smiled at him mischievously as he remembered she always did.

“You better not. I’m not going to give you chances to.”

He smirked, “There’s the Janna I know.”

“Shut up” she rolled her eyes still smiling before wrapping her arms on his neck again pulling him down to her for more kisses.

When her parents got home, they smiled at the two of them cuddling together with blankets and pillows like they used to do when they were younger. Her father turned the lights off and let them sleep, relieved they finally had solved things out. As the lights turned down, Tom held Janna closer, cradling her head against his chest and she nuzzled his chest adjusting to hold him close as they continued to dream.

#jantom #jantomweek #day 5 #strangers now friends before #lully writing #svtfoe #janna ordonia #tom lucitor #janna x tom #svtfoe fanfic #svtfoe fic #svtfoe au #star vs the forces of evil #star vs evil

45 notes · View notes

adultingautistic · 4 years

Text

help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

- may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

- may feel as though you are always on stage

- may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

- may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

- may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

- may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

- may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

- may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

- may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

- may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

- may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

- may struggle to process visual or auditory information

- may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

- may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

- may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

- may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize. They do not have scripts. They do not write them, memorize them, or use them. They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not. People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT! I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking. What you told me here are your life experiences. I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world. This is not fake. This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD. You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn��t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD. You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional. But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD. Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me). Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you. So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out. You’re not faking, you’re not making it up. These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #ADHD #submission

15 notes · View notes

marcilled · 4 years

Text

This is a personal post.

I'm beginning to realize that, for a really long time now, I've been substituting true self esteem for something else entirely

Instead of actually feeling proud of myself, like an accomplished person, I've been forcing myself into the forefront of everyone's attention, while simultaneously remaining as "just a part of a larger whole", so that i didnt have to feel like it was 100% my fault whenever I fucked up (although, I usually blamed myself anyways- not because of a clear consciousness or anything, but out of a bitter self hatred)

I put myself front and center at a carousel of things that only I could apparently be good at- not because I think I'm the best, but because I think I'm a freak for being as meticulously obsessed with things as I am. This leaves little room for my friends to actually bounce off of my experience, because I see anyone else I know encroaching on that skill that I have at the only thing I feel like I'm any good at, and it feels like a threat. I don't acknowledge it that way because I know it'd be shitty, but there's this underlying feeling that I'm being one-upped anyways...

I ended up hurting some people really dear to me because of this twisted way of thinking. I’m pretty sure I lost the privilege of calling them friends as a result. It took me a few days of self-isolation, crying, and mindlessly zonking out while playing civ until the sun came up, but I think I have a fuller picture of what my issue is. It’s not as simple as just, “I need to stop hating myself”. I recognized that- but the emotions were too raw at the time for me to really understand the depth and complexity to the issue.

At its face... I need to accept that I’m not annoying or a freak for having a deep interest in the things that I do- maybe it makes me “weird”, but I need to learn how to own that, how to feel like being weird in that way is a good thing, even if not everyone else thinks the same.

At the same time, I need to accept that my knowledge about my special interests isn’t the only thing that does, or could ever, give me “worth”. I have this conception in my head, that I’m only ever going to be good at this, or that I only have value for the things I’m proficient at, which are all very limited in scope.

People always say that having weird special interests is fine & valid... They go on about all the ways we shouldn’t be bullied for having special interests, for conceptualizing the world through the lens of them at times. But all of that is stuff I already know and accept. Something I don’t think gets talked about as much is how autistic people internalize that bullying. How, sometimes, for people like me, we can turn that same hatred and malice in towards ourselves- even if it’s not something we actually truly believe, or would ever apply to other people.

I’ve always had this sort of cocoon of self hatred surrounding me, for as long as I can remember. It’s terrible, full of thorns, and always uncomfortable, never letting me truly be myself, let alone think for or even act for myself. But it was built as a “protection” from the outside- sort of. If I hate myself enough, for all the reasons that I’m already hated by others, then nothing can hurt me anymore, because I’m already telling myself all of the most hurtful things I possibly could. It’s fucked up, and it doesn’t really help to protect myself from anything- it just makes everything harder.

My friends aren’t “competition”, they aren’t going to take away what makes me special by showing the same level as interest in something as me. If anything, I should be thankful that someone actually cares as much as I do. That’s all I ever wanted, right? To have friends that are as passionate as I am? So why did I have to throw it all away by seeing that as a threat?

Thinking about this, it’s easy to go down the path of self-hatred again. But, that’s how I got into this mess... I also wanna say... For anyone reading in on this, and concerning yourself with the what-ifs of the situation... This is never stuff I consciously thought of, until I was made aware of this behavior in myself. It was really a subconscious type of thing. But the harm is all the same. Make whatever you want out of that, I’m not gonna ask to be babied about it, I fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry, if you’re actually reading this.

But, I didn’t make this post as an apology to the people I hurt. I made it as a sort of... self-reflection. Maybe it can still be an apology? I don’t know. I don’t think they want an apology. So, this isn’t really about that, or asking for forgiveness. This is just about... me pondering on all of my issues, and how I might move on from this. I hope those former friends are able to move on as well... I was kind of a huge asshole. But it’s never easy to let go of close friends that way, even if it’s necessary for your own wellbeing. So, I hope they’re doing ok. and... I hope they know I don’t hate them. and that I’ll be ok, too. I’m just sad. Sad and full of regrets.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. This was kind of hard to type, and I might delete it later, since it’s something really personal to be sharing to, potentially, 3000+ eyeballs... (as if that many of my tumblr followers actually would click on a readmore I post tho...), thanks for reading though. and to those who have been worrying about me- I’ll be ok, thanks for your concern.

#don't rb.

13 notes · View notes

wallywrites · 4 years

Text

colored-rain asked:

Hey! Can you do "dont leave" or "youre my everything" with wolfstar? Ty♡♡

Thanks for the request!! I love this idea already!! I love both these prompts too so why not use both! Sorry it took so long! Been super busy with uni assignments but here it is!

Prompt #21 “don’t leave” and prompt #39 “you’re my everything” from my prompt list! If you want to suggest any prompts check out my list here! :)

Initially I had this really angsty idea in mind since the last wolfstar fic I wrote (still haven’t finished that one oops) was super sad and angsty but after finishing three assignments in the last couple of days I just wanted some cute fluff so here’s my attempt at that! (Still a little angst though)

(Repost because my fic was long and Tumblr decided to delete my “keep reading” bar and won’t let me edit on my laptop because I posted it on my phone, and I HATE that I don’t have one so I’m reposting it so it doesn’t annoy me because I don’t know how to fix it)

Read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26232955

✨Wolfstar au✨

Full moons were always bad. But at least Remus didn’t have to spend them alone anymore. Even though he never really remembered what happens during the night, only flashes and glimpses of images through his nightmares, he knew that he was safe, that others would be safe, too. That Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would make sure nothing bad could happen.

But they couldn’t stop the inevitable, and sometimes, like last night, things got a little too out of hand. The moon was bigger than usual, Remus was already feeling angsty and sore days before he was meant to shift, more intense than he usually does. He knew something big was coming, didn’t want to worry the others, should have worried the others.

Instead he pretended he was fine, until he wasn’t. Until he shifted and claws ripped at his skin and teeth bit at his friends, and then he was alone. The rest of the marauders didn’t even know how he managed to get away, spent the whole night looking for him, worried, Prongs still limping slightly from where Moony had latched his jaw into the others leg. Padfoot didn’t stop looking, didn’t stop running and sniffing and tracking, even when the others needed a break, even long after they decided to split up, to track more ground that way.

And then the sun began to rise, and the worry turned into fear. Remus had spent practically the whole full moon alone, and god knows what could have happened without the others there to distract him, to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else.

And then the scent of blood caused Sirius to stop dead in his tracks, his legs pushing himself harder and faster than he had pushed before, because blood was never a good sign, and the sun was practically up and Moony was alone and-

There he was. Lying cold, naked, shaking at the bottom of a ditch, more blood than Sirius had ever seen before. Sirius didn’t even realise that he had shifted back until he saw his hands, reaching out to gently pull Remus’ very cold very scarred very bloody body closer, pulling his own jacked off to drape it around his shoulders, trying to heat up his body. It was bad, so much worse than they’ve had before, nasty wounds drawn long across his chest and stomach, another smaller one across his forehead.

And he couldn’t help but think that this was all his fault. If he didn’t loose Remus, if he had been paying attention, if he had realised how big the moon was earlier and how bad it was going to get-

He didn’t remember making his way back to the castle, Remus floating above him from the levitation spell he must have used. Didn’t remember when he found the other Marauders either, didn’t remember waiting and waiting and waiting for Madame Pomfrey to finish healing their friend.

He did however remember the fear that Madame Pomfrey let into her expressions the brief moment before she moved Remus to a hospital bed and started the healing.

Everything happened in a blur, until he snapped out of the daze he was in, his eyes fixated on Remus, lying cold and still in the hospital bed. He hadn’t even realised he was crying until he glanced down, noticing his forearm covered in tears.

“-Pads?”

He looked up for the first time, blinking a couple of times as he looked towards James, who stood, eyebrows furrowed, hand resting on Sirius’ shoulder - when did that get there?

“You alright? You spaced out?”

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked what happened? You kind of haven’t spoken since we found you two”

A sigh escaped Sirius as he looked back towards Remus, watching his chest rise and fall, the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart. He tried to think, of what actually happened, but his mind kept wandering, jumping from moment to moment, nothing making any sense. He groaned out as he closed his eyes, rubbing his hand down his face. James waited patiently, not really understanding what was happening, but he knew Sirius, he knew how he acted when they had a particular bad moon, knew that stress and worry can cause his brain to get a little muddled. The same thing happened when Sirius first moved in with the Potters, and James was more observant than he would admit.

And so he drew his hand back and waited as Sirius sighed again, leaning back in his seat, his eyes still trained on Remus.

“It’s all messy, I don’t know, I just..” the image of Remus’ body lying in the ditch came back into Sirius’ mind, causing a shiver to run through him. Out of all the memories and thoughts and images, that was the only one he really could make out, the one he really didn’t want to remember.

Because it hurt. It hurt more than he thought it would, more than he would ever admit. And he didn’t know why. Of course he cares about Remus, he’s cared and worried and stressed about him the day they met, even more the day he found out what happens on a full moon. Remus was one of his best friends, so it makes sense that he was worried, that he was concerned and upset. But it didn’t explain the strange feeling he was getting in his chest, his stomach, his gut. Didn’t explain why his head hurt and his legs couldn’t stop moving and his mind couldn’t stop racing and he couldn’t stop thinking all the worst things he could possibly be thinking and Merlin what if it’s too late and what if he doesn’t make it and what if he never knows how much he means to me and how much I need him and that I love him and-

Sirius physically flinched at the realisation, the words hitting him as hard as he hit the wall he accidentally flew into one day at practice.

“Pads? What is it?” James asked, moving closer as Sirius’ whole body began to shake. He loved Remus. He was in love with Remus fucking Lupin and oh god it made so much sense, so much that he didn’t know how he couldn’t see it before. He was always wanting to be close to Remus, wanting to hear his voice and make him smile and god he was handsome, and sure, he always wondered what it would feel like to hold him and kiss him, and now he knew why.

He started crying again, couldn’t tell when it started, and when he looked to James, the tears kept coming, because he loved Remus, and Remus was hurt, and he was cold and he was bleeding and scarred and Sirius wanted to hold him and tell him it’s going to be okay and tell him that he loves him and what if he doesn’t wake up? What if it’s too late?

“I think love him, James. And I didn’t realise until I saw him- until he.. what if I never get the chance to tell him?”

James was shocked to say the least. Love was a strange topic to Sirius. Sure, he loved a lot of things, in his own way. He loved his friends, loved the Potters, he loved quidditch and pissing Severus off. But love was hard for Sirius, they had his parents to thank for that. It took time for Sirius to even admit that he deeply cared about the other marauders. It was such a foreign concept to Sirius that often times he doesn’t know how he felt, or wouldn’t believe that someone could love him, that he could love someone.

Love was hard for Sirius. But to be in love with someone? James often worried that it would never happen, not because he’s not capable of it, but because he believed Sirius would ignore it, wouldn’t let him feel those things, would push those feelings far away until he forgot about them.

But instead of asking questions and fussing over Sirius being in love, Sirius being in love with a boy, Sirius being in love with Remus, he shook his head, knowing exactly what Sirius is thinking, exactly what he would be freaking out about.

“No, stop that. He’s going to wake up, and then you can tell him how much you love him, okay?”

James had time to question Sirius later, but now he needed to be there for his friend, his brother. Because he knew love, and he knew loss, and he knew Sirius, and he knew he needed to help, to calm him down.

“He’s hurt real bad James-“ he could hear the hurt, the pain in Sirius’ voice, and wondered how he never noticed before, how he always seemed to get worked up and upset whenever they had a particularly bad moon, more so than the others, even when they know he’s safe and going to be okay.

“He’s always hurt bad, and then he wakes up and then he’s fine. He’s going to be okay. Come on, Sirius he’s stronger than all of us combined.” It wasn’t a lie. The moment they found out about Remus’ lycanthropy, James knew he was stronger than anyone he had met, than all of them.

Sirius still wasn’t convinced. They had never had one this bad, and he still couldn’t shake the image out of his head. James watched for a moment as Sirius looked back towards Remus, still asleep, chest rising and falling, shallow but steady, thanks to the professor. She always knew what to do, how to heal Remus, make sure he got better, and they were beyond thankful for that. She even let them stay by his side until he woke up, not that they were technically allowed. Never questioned them either, though they all know she must wonder how the three of them manage to find and bring Remus back after a full moon. She had her guesses, of course, but never questioned them on it, which they were thankful for.

And she always made him better, they knew that, this was no different, but then Sirius started to shake again, because he was so pale, and he was cold and hurt and his skin was already starting to bruise up around the scars and the scars, Merlin the scars were so big and-

James noticed that Sirius started to spiral again, could see the way his brows furrowed and his eyes turned glossy due to more tears threatening to spill. He knew that his mind ad started to race again, so he placed his hand back on his brothers shoulder, and spoke as softly as he could, as calm as he ever had.

“Hey, you’ll get your chance to tell him. I promise you.”

Sirius took a deep breath, calming down slightly, but his legs still bounced under him. And James watched as he just sat, eyes never leaving Remus’ body. Sirius didn’t speak, instead lent forward in his chair, his elbows resting on the bed, next to where Remus laid. And they stayed like that for a while, James’ hand resting on Sirius’ shoulder, his eyes moving between two of his best friends, both broken and hurt and exhausted in different ways. Sirius leaning on the hospital bed, eyes never pulling away from the rise and fall of Remus’ chest, scared that if he looked away, the breathing would stop.

And James knew what he had to do, what Sirius had to do. He didn’t want to leave, but he knew Sirius needed time to think, needed time to just be with Remus, so he moved closer, giving Sirius’ shoulder a small squeeze as he spoke.

“Hey.. I’m gonna give you guys some room, maybe you can think about what you’re going to say when he wakes up?”

Sirius just nodded, a good sign that he wasn’t completely stuck in his head. James pulled back to leave, but he paused, looking back towards Sirius, unmoved, legs still bouncing and body still shaking.

“Hey, uh.. thanks for telling me. You know you can always trust me with that stuff, right?”

Sirius turned his eyes away from Remus for the first time, his eyes finding James, as he nodded, a small smile making it’s way onto his face. Sirius was truly grateful for James, who always let him be himself, who he trusted with everything. “I know.”

“And after this I’m gonna have a hell of a lot of questions to ask you-“

Sirius couldn’t help the chuckle that left him, shaking his head slightly at his friend. “Yeah, yeah I know. I’ll answer all your questions.”

Sirius knew he would have to tell James everything after this, explain everything, including what he still didn’t quite know or understand yet. And if he wasn’t so shaken up or upset still, he might even had been excited to talk to James about it, to laugh with him as they realise how ridiculous he had been, never realising what his feelings had meant. Might’ve even been excited to gossip like normal teenagers do, about Remus and Lily and the absurd amount of pining they’re bound to endure.

James just smiled, nodding his head, before pausing for a moment. And the smile never faltered when he spoke.

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

Those words meant more to Sirius than any words he’s ever heard before. Any time James, or the Potters, or Remus or Peter would tell him that they’re proud, his body would heat up, warmth running through his chest and to his stomach. He didn’t even realise how different this conversation would have been if it was with anyone else, because admittedly he had just come out to his best friend, something that he knows isn’t very accepted, couldn’t even imagine the reaction his parents would have to the idea of their son being in love with a boy, but he was happy that he felt safe enough to do that here. Because James really was his family, really meant a lot to him. And he couldn’t help the smile that made its way to his face at his brothers words.

“Thanks prongs.”

“Give Moons a kiss for me.”

And then James was gone, and Sirius was back to staring at Remus. A long sign escaped him, one he didn’t realise he had been holding, didn’t realise it needed to get out. He reached out, leaning his elbows back where they were, but he paused, his eye drifting to Remus’ hand, lying by his body. Sirius had always wondered what it would feel like to hold his hand. He thought it was ridiculous, that he sounded so sappy, but he didn’t try to stop himself as he reached out, tangling his fingers with Remus’, who was still cold, sending a shiver up Sirius’ arm.

He pulled Remus’ arm towards him gently, placing a kiss on the back of his hand, before resting both arms back down onto the bed, his thumb rubbing over were his lips had touched.

And he sat, and he thought, about what he was going to say. God what was he going to say? And how was he going to say it? What would Remus say? Would he even be okay with it?

He couldn’t imagine Remus ever hating him over the fact that he loved him. Remus probably wouldn’t care that Sirius liked boys either, but would he love him back? Did he love him back? And then Sirius started to panic, because what if he doesn’t? What even would I say? How am I meant to tell Remus that I’m in love with him, and the thought of him gone makes me want to die? That I want to be with him forever, and that I hate when we’re apart, and Christ what am I going to say?

But then he paused, and the worry flooded back to him. He didn’t care what he was going to say, as long as he got to say it. As long as Remus was okay. And he let his eyes wander back over his body, and he could already feel the tears. And then suddenly, the quiet was too much, too suffocating, so he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before he spoke, spilling out all his feelings as best as he could.

“I’m so sorry, Moons. Christ, please be okay. Please wake up Moony..” he spoke, hoping that he could make some sense of what he was feeling. He opened his eyes, focusing on their hands together, before taking a deep breath and continuing.

“I’m so sorry I never told you, that I love you.. I didn’t know.. I didn’t realise I loved you.. I always knew I felt differently about you, but I didn’t.. I was scared, Moons, of a lot of things, but.. seeing you like this.. I can’t imagine never being able to tell you how I feel..”

His eyes were closed again, and he really didn’t want to cry more, so he took another deep breath, his chest shaking, his legs shaking, his hands shaking, and he focused on Remus’ hand within his own. The feeling of their fingers being wrapped up together, the heat from his own body warming up Remus’, which calmed him down. Because he wanted Remus to be warm, to be safe and healthy and okay. He wanted Remus to be okay, because he needed Remus. He needed Remus more than he thought he would ever need anyone.

“Merlin, you’re my everything, Remus. I need you, please wake up.”

And Sirius didn’t know when he realised that Remus was awake, staring at him, tears in his eyes. He didn’t even realise he was staring back, shocked, confused, concerned, until Remus squeezed at his hand, bringing him back from whatever frozen state he was in.

“Merlin Remus” he said simply, dropping down as close to Remus as he could without hurting his wounds, wrapping his arms around his shoulders at an uncomfortable angle to hug him. He didn’t care, Remus was awake, he was okay.. and he might have heard the confession Sirius had made.. and he knows, god he knows.

Sirius didn’t want to pull away, one because he loved the feeling of Remus’ arms wrapped around his back, but also because then Remus would see how red his face is, and then he’d have to face the fact that he unknowingly and unintentionally confessed his feelings to his best friend.

And Sirius’ mind was rambling, trying to think of what to say, or what to do, a million thoughts rushing through his head and around his skull. He was going to get a headache later, already felt it coming along, but he couldn’t possibly worry about that with his heart pounding so loudly in his chest against his rib cage, Moony pressed so closely to his body.

And then Remus’ breath on his ear caused him to freeze, suddenly every thought and sound whirling around in his skull gone as he listened.

“I love you too, Pads.”

Sirius didn’t mean to pull away as fast as he did, but as soon as he saw the calm look on Remus’ face, the sparkle in his eye, he instantly relaxed, even let out a small laugh, eyebrows furrowing together, causing Remus’ smile to grow.

“So you heard all of that?”

Remus laughed out, winching slightly, but his smile never faulted. “Bits and pieces. But I got the gist of it.”

Sirius placed his hands on either side of Remus’ face, careful not to touch any of his healing wounds, and he couldn’t help but smile, warmth pooling throughout his body, because he was holding Remus, and Remus was holding him, and he loved Remus, and Remus loved him.

“I was so scared, Moons.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Sirius chuckled at that, shaking his head. Only Remus would apologise for something that he had no control over. The other marauders have had to tell Remus to stop saying he was sorry on multiple occasions, had explained to him they they know it’s not his fault, that they don’t blame him for anything, would never blame him for anything. That they’re scared and worried because they care, that it’s not his fault. Remus tired to believe them, but the words “I’m sorry” just seemed to slip off his tongue so naturally that he could never really help it.

“No, don’t be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry.”

And he meant it. He didn’t want Remus to ever feel like he had to be sorry, like he was doing something wrong. Because he wasn’t. Sirius thought that Remus shouldn’t ever apologise for anything, because really there isn’t anything Remus could do that would make Sirius want an apology.

They didn’t move, didn’t speak for a while, instead all they did was look to each other. Sirius couldn’t really tell what he was feeling, nor did he completely understand Remus’ expression, but he didn’t want to ask, wanted to just stare a little longer. So he let his eyes move over his face, leaving his eyes and moving across his scars and freckles, and down to his lips. Christ Sirius wanted to kiss him. To finally find out what Remus’ lips would feel like against his own. And it seemed like Remus was reading his mind when he spoke.

“Merlin, Sirius just kiss me already-“

And that’s all Sirius needed before he pushed himself closer, his hands holding Remus’ face as he kissed him. Remus’ arms tightened around Sirius’ back, and Sirius could feel him smile as he kissed him, leaning his body closer, wanting to be closer and closer and closer.

He ran his tongue over Remus’ bottom lip, which Remus returned with a moan, letting him in almost instantly as Sirius’ hands moved up to tangle themselves in his hair. A part of Remus thought he was still dreaming, that this wasn’t happening, that Sirius wasn’t here, kissing him, tugging at his hair, but then Sirius would moan, reminding Remus that this was very much real, that this was very much happening. That just made him want to squeal.

But they were both exhausted, so it wasn’t long before they pulled apart, not really wanting to, but knowing that they probably should. That they would have time to do more of that later.

The two of them couldn’t help but laugh, Sirius leaning his forehead on Remus’, a sigh of relief leaving both of them, a sign that both boys had wanted this for a while, despite Sirius only realising it moments before. Remus shook his head slightly, his smile never fading as he spoke.

“You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve waited for that.”

Sirius felt warm, his whole body tingling at the idea of Remus wanting to kiss Sirius, of Remus waiting for the moment. That thought made Sirius’ face blush red, his cheeks beginning to ache from the grin he didn’t notice having, which refused to leave his expression.

Sirius wanted to be closer to Remus, to hold him and kiss him, the thought itself getting him excited, but as he pulled away slightly, Remus froze, his grip around Sirius’ back tightening as he closed his eyes.

“Don’t-, don’t leave, please.”

Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle, leaving being the last thing on his mind. So he lent down again, catching Remus’ lips in another kiss before pulling back slightly, not as far as before. He pushed himself up onto the bed, Remus moving slightly to the side as he helped Sirius under the covers. Sirius laid down, his arms wrapping around Remus, whose body was now warm, pulling his body into his own. Remus sighed out again, his body shaking slightly as Sirius placed a kiss to his forehead, closing his own eyes before speaking.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

14 notes · View notes

peaceisadirtyword · 5 years

Text

Jealous (Alex Høgh/Reader)

A/N: Sorry! This was supposed to be posted yesterday, it was queued and all of that, but I had to edit a mistake and Tumblr deleted it... I wasn’t at home so I couldn’t post it again. I’m so sorry. Anyway this is the second request for Alex’s birthday project♥️ I hope you like it and thanks @tabseus for requesting it😘

The third request is coming in an hour!💕

Warnings: A bit of smut but not very detailed, jealousy, a fight, swearing...

Words: 2151

gif belongs to @the-poetic-persona

To say you were bored would be an understatement.

You scrolled down your Instagram, liking some photos and commenting on some of your friends' posts, sighing in boredom.

When you came to visit your boyfriend in Dublin, where he was filming Vikings, you knew he would have to work a lot, and you wouldn't see each other as much as you wanted, but it was fine, even if you spent two hours together, it was worth it.

Alex had insisted you went with him to set. He assured you it was fine, that you were welcome there and that all the cast was dying to meet you. You already knew Marco and Jordan, and would love to meet the rest of the cast, but the last thing you wanted was to distract Alex, and to be honest, meeting all those people that you had seen on the show a hundred times made you freak out. How were you supposed to react while meeting Katheryn Winnick? And Gustaf Skarsgård? And thank god Travis Fimmel wasn't there, because you would have fainted. Meeting those people was like meeting the Queen of England. You weren't ready.

But a part of you regretted not going with Alex to set that exact day.

He had been excited, as they would shoot a scene with lots of extras, and he had (of course) taken his camera to set. You knew he loved taking photos of people, and would spend hours with the extras, talking to them and taking photos. You didn't have any problem with that, in the contrary, it fascinated you how he would listen to their stories and then take the photo that told the same story without words. And loved his excitement when he showed you his photos and asked for your opinion.

But that day he hadn't been taking photos of extras characterized as rough vikings with amazing life stories, that day he had been fooling around with some girls.

The first photo didn't bother you at all, they were extras that admired Alex and wanted a photo with him. That was cool. You had encountered some of his fans on the street while going with him, asking for a photo, and you had offered yourself to take the photo. It wasn't the photo what bothered you. It was Alex's attitude, in a way.

He had a very flirty personality, you knew that the first day you met him. At first you thought he was openly flirting with you, but then he talked the same way to your best friend, and that had confused you.

He had posted several stories on his Instagram and girls appeared in all of them. First, fooling around with Georgia, then a video with a girl who worked on the dressing department, then the photos with the extras... Apparently, they were danish too, and he had been talking to them for hours. He even mentioned them on his stories. Entering one of the girls' profiles, you saw she had posted not one but three photos with Alex and a video.

In the video they were talking in a mix between English and Danish, joking with each other as if they were friends. He had the flirting tone, and that made your blood boil.

In the description of the post, she wrote how amazing was to meet the most 'ruthless and handsome viking of all times' and how nice he was.

He had replied in a comment, saying it was nice to meet her too and that she had done an amazing job as an extra. And then a heart. A fucking heart.

You tossed your phone away, too angry to keep looking at the photos, and turned on the tv.

You don't really know how much time passed while you were sitting on the couch, your eyes fixed on the tv. And every minute that passed you were more and more angry.

Alex arrived earlier than you thought, with pizza and a big smile. He was in a good mood, of course.

"Hey" he frowned a bit when you didn't even look his way "I brought pizza, your favorite" he smiled again "And I have news: I have a free day tomorrow, and tonight we can go out with Marco, Jordan Georgia... To some pub or club, if you want to" he left the pizza on the kitchen and sat down on the couch, next to you "Hey, what's wrong?"

Usually, you welcomed him with an excited 'hi' and a hug, followed by an intense kiss that sometimes ended up in a quickie on the couch.

"Nothing" you kept your eyes fixed on the tv.

He scoffed, and took the control to turn it off.

"Tell me"

"I said nothing" you finally looked at him, with your lips pressed together.

Alex sighed, he was tired and only wanted to jump in the shower and change clothes to go and have a few drinks with his friends, he wasn't in the mood for fighting.

"If you don't want to tell me, it's fine, but at least tell me if I can do something to make you feel better" he tried to get closer to you and give you a hug, but you moved to get away, and he raised his eyebrow.

"You can, but you wouldn't want to"

"What?" He was confused now. It was obvious you were mad at him, but he couldn't remember anything he had done to make you angry "What do you mean?"

"Nothing, forget it" you scoffed, getting up and walking to the kitchen, trying to control your anger.

"No, tell me" he insisted, going after you "What is wrong, Y/N?"

"I'm telling you, nothing is wrong, now forget it"

"I'm not forgetting it" he was losing his patience, but sighed and softened his tone "What happened? Is everything okay? Please tell me so I can..."

"You! That's what happens!" you yelled, losing control.

"Me? What did I d..."

"Did you have a good time on set today?" You asked sarcastically "I'm sure you did, surrounded by girls"

He understood what was it about, and groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"What the fuck, Y/N?" He sighed, leaning against the counter "That's what all of this is about?"

"Yes!" the way he rolled his eyes made you even angrier "But it's not only today, it's every fucking day, Alex, you are always flirting with every single girl, even in front of me"

"I do not!" He raised his voice "Y/N I don't flirt with anyone, nor in front of you or behind your back, it is not..."

"Yes you do, you always do, you talk to them with that smile, and tilting your head, and you look at them like that..."

"How do I look at them?" He furrowed his brows "I look at them as I look at everyone else, I don't flirt"

"You know what? Forget it" you scoffed.

"No, Y/N, why are you acting like this?"

"Acting like what? Like if I cared for our relationship?"

"You're not caring about anything, you're just being..." He licked his lips, shaking his head. He truly didn't want to fight "Look, there is no reason for you to be jealous, baby, I truly don't mean to flirt with anyone, I was just being nice" his breathtaking blue eyes fixed on yours and you looked away quickly.

"You don't understand, Alex, I..." Your voice broke and you looked down, ashamed of the tears that threatened to roll down your cheeks "Have you seen yourself? I mean, you're like the most handsome guy in the world, it's just really hard to believe someone like you would stay with someone like me, and not go with one of those beautiful girls you meet every day at work, and how you talk to them, touch them..." You bit your lip "I know it's your personality, but..."

"Y/N, it hurts a lot to hear that" both of you looked like you would start crying at any moment "Because I don't care about the beautiful girls I meet at work, I love you, it's only you, and now I feel like I haven't showed you enough how much I care about you, and I hate when you think you're not good enough for me because it's not true" he clenched his jaw "I talk to those girls as I talk to a fan on the street, I'm not going the change the way I am, Y/N, I'm sorry, I was just being nice"

"Would you like to see me talking like that with another guy?" You frowned "Touching him?"

"Well it depends of how you were touching him" he shrugged "But I wouldn't mind, Y/N, because I trust you, and I know you wouldn't do that to me, even if you doubt me"

"I'm not doubting you, Alex I'm just saying..."

"No, it's fine, you don't trust me, okay" he scoffed "Forget it"

He walked to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

You stayed in the kitchen, with tears rolling down your cheeks and looking at your feet.

When Alex emerged from the bedroom, he had changed his clothes, and he went directly to the door, leaving the apartment.

He came back much earlier than you supposed. Usually, when Alex went out, he'd come back around five or six in the morning, so you tensed up when you heard the door at two am.

You had been laying in bed for hours, crying and looking at your phone, wishing he would call or message you.

He didn't turned on the lights, even if he knew you were awake. He just took off his jacket and sighed, laying next to you in bed.

You thought he wouldn't talk to you, ignore you until both of you forgot about the fight, so it startled you when he hugged your waist from behind and pressed his cheek against yours.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, and you moved closer to him, still crying.

"I'm sorry too" you whispered "It's my fault, I shouldn't have got jealous of those girls, you did nothing wrong"

"I didn't know you felt that way" he kissed your temple "You should have told me, I love you and I don't want you to feel like I don't"

"I love you too and I shouldn't act like I own you" you smiled softly "You say you don't flirt and I should believe you, sorry"

"Are we going to spend the whole night apologizing to each other?" He chuckled.

"I'm truly sorry, Alex, I just... You're like too perfect, and I'm just worried someone will take you away from me"

"No one will" he made you turn your head and kissed your lips softly, smiling when you kissed him back fervently "I promise"

You turned around to deepen the kiss, his hands travelled to your ass and cupped it softly, making you sigh.

"You're home early"

"I know, I just couldn't have fun knowing you were mad at me" caressed your hair softly.

"Sorry" you pouted, knowing he loved going out with his friends "Sorry I ruined your night"

"Stop saying sorry" he chuckled "I love you"

This time you kissed him, biting his lower lip and making him moan.

Alex and you fought sometimes, usually, it was when any of you had had an awful day or were stressed, and usually it was over small things. The best thing was the reconciliation.

His hands found his way inside your pajama pants and took them off, almost ripping your shirt just after that. You laughed as you took his clothes off too, pressing your thighs together when you saw his beautiful body naked.

He immediately pinned you down and crawled between your legs, pressing his tip to your entrance and rubbing his hard member between your folds to make sure you were wet enough, while his mouth explored your neck and you moaned, throwing your head back and closing your eyes.

When he thrusted into you, you moaned his name loudly digging your nails into his shoulders.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked, out of breath, in your ear. His breathing next to your neck made you shiver.

"N...No, keep going please" you moved your hips to make him move inside you again.

"Fuck, you're beautiful" he grunted when you arched your back and moaned again, just when he hit that exact spot inside you "And you were jealous of other girls, woman? Have you fucking seen yourself?" He moaned, leaning into you to kiss your lips again.

You came almost screaming his name, with his hand covering your mouth so you wouldn't wake up the whole building. He came right after you, hissing when your walls clenched around his member. And then he smiled at you, panting and pressing his forehead against yours.

"We should fight more often"

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen@ivarslittlebadgirl @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt@love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories@thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @chimera4plums@blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @credulouskhaleesi@gruffle1 @justacripple @heartbeats-wildly @inforapound@trashcanx @winchesterwife27

#alex høgh andersen #alex høgh imagine #alex høgh x reader #alex birthday project #vikings #vikings imagine

230 notes · View notes

lostlonelylotus · 4 years

Text

Another Hiatus?

straight up thinking of taking another hiatus from Tumblr...I hate to, but I’m thinking maybe this place just isn’t good for me, even after such a long time away in the first place. More under the cut, if anyone wants to read it.

So, I struggle with a lot on a daily basis. Things that I don’t even tell what few people are around me in real life, because frankly, I don’t really have anyone to tell that I think would want to help. I’ve had to end a great deal of my friendships because they were unhealthy/toxic and others ended because I’m disabled and cannot keep up with more “social” or outgoing people (which unfortunately is usually interpreted as disinterest because of constant rescheduling or inability to go out).

No one even knows that I’ve started a particularly hard round of chemotherapy that involves painful injections, because I worry that people just get sick of hearing how I’m actually doing versus the image of me they think should be real. I lie and say that I’m fine, when I’m struggling mentally and physically. Very few people know that I’m in such severe constant pain that even with strong opiates, medical cannabis, benzodiazepines and constantly watching my diet, I’m spending 12+ hours a day in bed. I never get below a 6/10 anymore. I can’t remember what anything below that feels like. My body tortures me every waking minute.

I’m back to where I started when I began treatment in 2012 and my mental health has taken a nose dive because it all just feels so futile, you know? Treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery, fighting tooth and nail to have the bare bones of a life only to fail and wind up at square one is...Hell.

Add onto that, that I can’t get a FT job (so no PTO or good health insurance) despite having multiple degrees and that I had a position lined up before COVID that might now no longer even exist when this is all over + that the Part Time job I have that I love has completely changed now that I’m work from home and I HATE these new tasks and miss my coworkers + that I live with an actively abusive family member + that I have no friends beyond surface-level acquaintances despite so much effort to try and make and keep friends + that I’ve struggled my whole life with internalization of everything...and you’ve got a walking disaster of a human being who should probably nowhere near this site.

My therapist is through the school I graduated from, so I can’t even see them, and it wouldn’t matter because our relationship has progressed too far and they just treat my visits like a social hour and we never even talk about my real problems. It’s pretty damn pathetic when your needs don’t even matter to your therapist.

In real life, I’m a doormat to people’s needs. You need a house sitter? That’s me and they’ll pay me pennies to do it. You need someone to teach your children during COVID because we’re co-distancing? You need someone to drop everything and help you? That’s me. But when I need something, anything? A cup of tea or a genuinely asked “How are you?”? Forget it.

I miss fandom. I miss the escape. I miss the discourse. I miss the photosets and the freaking out over characters. I miss fandom buddies.

My experience of fandom since I last left Tumblr maybe 2-3 years ago has been very solitary. AO3 fics that I *do* comment on or discord servers where I’m one of dozens or more of people that no one can really remember because it’s hard to try to “compete” to be heard with 5 other people who are friends that are talking in depth about parts of fandom that you are new to...that and Google bloody Images have been my fandom for the past 2 years.

It’s fucking lonely out here. I feel like a fandom cowboy, alone on a prairie, occasionally passing by other cowboys and wrangling the livestock together for a moment before heading on with a half-hearted tip of our hats. It’s more than likely the reason why I haven’t published a fic in nearly 2 years, even though I’ve completed 1 or 2 little ones. I used to write all the time, all the time. Fics, ficlets, drabbles, headcanons. Screaming into the void is so much harder than just sitting there with your eyes closed and pretending there is no void.

I got into Classic Doctor Who and back into a few “older”/smaller fandoms, and when there’s no fic to be had...your only option really is Tumblr. I was writing again (am writing again?), and the photo/gif sets and the meta had me fucking inspired for the first time in...so long. I was addicted to writing again. Wrote more in the last two weeks than I have in years. Started writing a fic that’s already longer than any I’ve ever written before.

I thought I could handle it, Tumblr helped so much before in the Golden Days of Tumblr. I became part of a huge fandom friend group on Skype back then. I had friends. I had true fandom, not this bizarre one-person-imaginings experience of fandom.

I was able to see something triggering or an opinion I disagreed with or deal with bad anons or any of the bad parts of Tumblr. I was able to see just the good, overall.

But, now, I don’t know that I can? I’m too internalizing now? Someone replies to a post with a minor disagreement and it makes me hate myself. I get a slightly disgruntled anon and I cry. People don’t tag very triggering or super stressful political items anymore, so I can’t “unplug” when I need to avoid seeing things about riots and horrendous crimes against people and so I wind up with an additional panic attack because I can’t do anything about anything.

I don’t know if the vibe of this place has changed or if I’ve become one of the dreaded and dreadful “snowflakes” who just can’t handle shit. I think both, honestly.

And it fucking sucks, okay? Because I was starting to get back into the swing of liking this place. I was starting to branch out and reconnect with folks I knew from before that were/are wonderful or make new fandom acquaintances. I had the carrot of having a collection of true fandoms in front of me. Of feeling connected in this time of horrendous isolation (both for the world and me personally).

But the stick is so much bigger than I remember. So much larger and harder; a tree trunk log instead of a twig switch. I’m not taking little love taps or slightly stinging slaps, I’m being beaten with it. By it.

I don’t know what to do. I want to keep Tumbling. I want to keep building friendships and talking about dumb fandom things. I want to reblog old gifsets and have convos in the tags. I want to share fics/art back and forth. I live for the discussions that I’m starting to have again. I live for seeing 3 bloody notes on an original post I made. I live for knowing that someone, somewhere is seeing something I wrote or made or said and likes it.

I don’t want the internalization of disagreements, of a perceived inferiority to other users, of feeling bad about myself over things that aren’t even a big deal on Tumblr but are to me. I don’t want to feel even more ‘less than’ than I already do.

I don’t want to feel extreme anxiety over the insanity of the world that I can’t escape even on here because tagging is a thing of the past and it’s apparently a major faux pas to ask for tags on triggering content, even if I fully support the matters tagged. I live the insanity okay? I’m a queer, disabled, person of color, in the small-town Midwest living in poverty. I’m not some racist who just doesn’t want to see your protest content. I’m struggling to get by.

Maybe I’ll just stop producing content? Only reblog and like? Only comb through character tags or chat with some of the fantastic people that have offered? My inspiration is declining, along with my mood.

I’d honestly contemplate a permanent hiatus (just not a deletion) if all of the fandoms that I was in had discords, but they don’t. If they do, I don’t know about them. Though, honestly, discord is not the same, and I always feel even more insignificant there. Drowned out or unimportant.

Huh. Drowned out or unimportant, that could really be the title of this pity post. Possibly the title of an autobiography, if I was ever self-indulgent enough to write one.

If you’ve read this whole thing, then wow. Thank you, because you’ve just given more of a shit about me and my feelings than anyone in a long, long time.

This post probably won’t be up long, it was honestly meant to be a pity-party cathartic release of feelings and will, no doubt, make me feel more pathetic the longer I leave it up.

#fandom #personal #I'm contemplating leaving Tumblr again #I just don't know

2 notes · View notes

jebentnietalleen · 5 years

Note

What about sharing some of your thoughts about Axel Auriant?

Honestly, where do I begin? When I started skam france, I was under Maxence’s spell, ngl. I had eyes, I knew he was a model and that he was freaking hot. And I mean, that hasn’t changed, but over time, slowly but surely, Axel crept up on me. I really hate the fact that I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I fell for that guy, but then again I think that’s probably because it happened so gradually, until one day I just had to face the facts: I am 100% gone for that boy. If I am completely honest, I think the trolling is what got me. It became a game to me, and I think the people who follow me long enough got to witness my breakdown on tumblr on the nights he kept. uploading. and. deleting. every. few. seconds. It was infuriating in the best way. The times I have used the phrase ‘OFFICER’ because of him, are countless, I’m sure. I still can’t believe that this man is insecure enough to upload and delete stuff, yet brave enough to admit to the world that he is, and that he uses humor as a mask.

He cries. He cries in real life, and he talks about it, and he shows it. He tells the world he cried when he had an argument with his girlfriend, and he got emotional during the screenings because he cares so much about Lucas and about skam france. He retweeted something about guys getting to cry to and that that’s important. He is doing so much, you guys. I am getting emotional just typing this out (shocker, right).

I love his humor and I can’t help but smile every time he or Ouba posts something on ig. And I know it might be hard to believe but I think it was only after this phase that I realized that he is really freaking gorgeous. I know, I know, but that is how I roll: I fall for someone’s personality first and foremost, and after that I can’t deny their beauty.

Don’t even get me started about the fact that he thought it might be unrealistic for a guy that looks like Maxence to fall for someone like him. Or the fact that he thought his eyelashes were to long, so he cut them off and had to wear fake ones for part of the show.

Not only is he funny, honest, open and fragile, he kicks toxic masculinity to the ground and stomps on it. He is openly affectionate with his male castmates, but also with his male friends. He will cut a homophobe if he has to, and you just know that late at night he sits behind his laptop and types stuff in twitter just to seek out the haters and torch them down. You gotta admire that, because that’s so powerful: he uses his fame to let the world know that this is not okay. And it’s not like he has nothing to do with his time, he has multiple plays, movies and other projects coming up, and oh yeah also a personal life he needs to tend to.

Speaking of twitter, the fact that he tries to find every fan who wrote him on twitter to thank them personally for their letters and gifts? Wow. As someone who gave him a letter, I know that he tries to convey this to everybody, but it’s true: he reads everything he gets, he cries about fan letters and calls Maxence and David to share it, he uses the gifts he gets an lets fans know by taking a picture of that, he is so incredibly grateful for everyone.

He and Maxence didn’t want people to pay for the convention or the photoshoots, I am sure of it, and that’s why they announced that they would donate the money for their duo photoshoot to charity, and that’s why he insists on giving all the fans who payed to be there everything they came for and answered all the questions even after the Q&A was suppose to be over, and why when I said to him: ‘it’s been a long day’ all he said was: ‘no no no, it’s been a cool day!’ and he meant it. I know he meant it. His energy, you guys, you don’t even know. I mean I know that you know, but once you have met him, that’s when you truly realize it. I know it might sound pretentious but I am sorry it’s just true. It’s off the charts. He is able to keep the party going, he makes people laugh, he is chaotic in the best kind of way, the security guard couldn’t help but smile at him, even though he wanted to ‘grab the little one by his neck’. But even though he has that much (chaotic) energy, he still manages to send out this absolutely chill vibe, like. I can’t even explain it. But his presence just calmed me down. I believe in transfering energy and his energy is just amazing. It’s not chaotic at all, it’s soothing. Y’all know how much I loved Axel before meeting him, but you best believe that love grew 100 times more since I have met him, talked to him, took photo’s with him. Yeah. I still can’t believe that happened tbh but it did.

His talent? Oh my god. I think I might be the person who used that Oscar meme the most during season 3, but I am valid, I am right and I should say it, tbfh. He deserves all the awards. The range of that man. The way he can cry and make you feel like pure shit for him. His hearteyes? Wow. Show me an actor who plays being in love more convincingly than him. I’ll wait. Yes okay, Maxence too, I agree. (what? I just assume people will bring that up, I’m not going crazy here talking to myself. 👀💀 sjfhsjhfs) also, now that we are mentioning it, the way he just fully gave himself and really went all in with the kissing and love making scenes is truly amazing tbh. Also, look, we all think it’s not the smartest idea to punch a gate, but he really did that. He really took it that far. He really ran faster than the van that was suppose to capture him on film in vendredi 20h27 the second.

Not only can he act, he plays drums, piano, can sing, really, what can’t this guy do?

Okay, okay, listen, I held off (well, for the most part) until the very end, but I gotta go there…. he is, without a doubt, one of the most gorgeous people I have ever seen. On and offscreen. Those eyes, that hair, hands. Yeah. hands. I said what I said. How dare he be cute one moment and a smoking hot mannequin elite the next?? Let me live, Axel, jfc.

In conclusion: name. me. a. better. man!!!!!!!!

#axel auriant #this got out of hand #nobody is surprised #if i need to put this under a 'read more' cut let me know sjfhsjfhsjfsh

127 notes · View notes

beclynn-herondale · 5 years

Text

Hey @dru-and-ash sorry tumblr freaked out and deleted your ask when I was trying to answer it but I figured I'd make a post here for it instead.

2. I know it's typical but I might name my future children after shadowhunter chronicles characters or freya, arya, William, James and call them Jamie or jem, Clarissa and call them clary, Jonathan and call them jace, owen, cecily, Charlotte and call them Charlie or lottie, Henry, Lucie and call them lu or lu lu, Matthew and call them matt, matty, Charles, and others.

Question 15. A description of my personality well I'm sarcastic, I have dark humor, I'm kind, I'm loving unless you are rude to my family, friends, and the series or characters I like so I'll share my opinions and some might say I'm cold, I'm sometimes vary distant with people cause I'm scared that if they see the true me they won't like it or will call me fake, I'm compassionate, empathetic, and forgiving sometimes to much so, I will stand up for myself and the people I love and care about, I'm hot headed, I'm feisty, I'm sassy, I can think things through but sometimes I just rush into things head first and don't think it through, I can be reckless with myself and sometimes do things that can fall back on the ones I love and care about, but I always try to do what's right even if it's not comfortable but sometimes I fail at this or make a mistake but I try to remind myself that everyone does it and we're all discovering who we are, I try to be brave, i try to be a good big sister and little sister to my siblings and i try to be a good example for them and I hope one day they can say that I was a good sister, I get anxious and depressed and insecure vary easily so when I don't want to do something or I just have trouble facing it I pretend I'm one of my favorite characters from a series or book I love like will and tessa said in the infernal devices, I can get angry with the right encouragement from someone, I have self hate problems, I talk back, i can be smart with some things but I'm by no means that smart, i cry when I'm mad, frustrated, annoyed or stressed which I'm stressed a lot I just don't always cry but I do think negative when I do get stressed, I have trouble sharing my feelings and thoughts and putting them into words, I have my guard up a lot, I like to be healthy and exercise like 4 to 5 days a week, it's easier for me to keep friends online then in real life, so yeah it's not all of it but pretty much the whole thing hopefully it's clear enough and you can understand it.

Question 21. I'm 16 and a half and my birthday is April 8th 2003.

Question 42. Favorite books that's a hard one. But so far I love all the shadowhunter chronicles books, the hunger games, the subtle art of not giving an f self growth book, un f yourself self growth book, the paladin by sally slater, less the 500 hundred words it's a poem book but I can't remember the author at the moment will edit later and put it here, basically i like fantasy, supernatural, magical, adventuress, action, comedy, romance, sadness, heartbreaking, encouraging, books that I can get lost in and forget about reality for a bit it calms me reading a book but also destroys me sometimes but in a good way, they help me grow and become a better person and I love to get lost in their world and just be apart of their world and especially the shadowhunter chronicles has helped me a lot on journey in life lately it's been a rough year and it's nice to have friends in books always no matter what.

Sorry it took so long to answer life's been crazy and busy and distracting, hopefully everything's clear and I answered it alright, thanks for the ask love 🧡🧡🧡❤❤❤🖤🖤🖤

#me #about me #personality #personal #ask #asks and answers

11 notes · View notes

idk-my-aesthetic · 5 years

Text

past, present, future

aka mal, evie, and carlos on magic, their parents, and the isle

this is actually a repost of this bc freaking tumblr deleted all my text when i tried to change on tag on the og post so i had to delete it bc it started glitching. sigh.

*jay is getting his own fic which is why he’s not in this, more info below

***comment on the mal part i use a weird combo of the live action remake maleficent and the og one. Its like maleficent was still queen of the moors but she was actually evil and not all sympathetic like she is in the live action movies….

TW!!- obvious discussion of child abuse in semi-graphic detail for the majority of the fic, and a breif s*lf h*rm refrence. It's only a sentence or two long, a general ref/description ig, basically has to do w/ evie freaking out if ppl think she is ugly/a failure bc of her mom’s abuse.

=========================================================================================

To Mal, magic was her blood. It was her history, her lineage. She was a fae, birthed to continue her mother’s legacy. Created to reclaim the throne her mother lost in her madness and cruelty, to conquer their lost land, to live up to the expectations put upon her at birth. Her magic was but an extension of that, her birthright, everything she was supposed to be, everything she would one day become.

Using it was both terrifying, and liberating. She was evil, something she’d known for years, but she feared becoming like her mother. A fear she had admitted only once, whispered to three others in the dead of night.

There was a difference in their evil. Her mother’s was unnecessary, powered by delusions of grandeur, random cruelty brought about for her own amusement. Mal saw her own evil as practical, an armor she would use to protect herself, and later her crew. She would use it to get them food, make enemies too afraid to attack them, keep them all as well and alive as she could. She could use her evil, and the fear it caused, to get whatever she wanted, whatever they needed. It gave her power.

Evil was power.

Power was safety.

(Though, could you truly call a child seeking protection evil?)

She knew she would one day have to complete the tasks her mother set out for her, but she refused to do them like the woman herself would. She refused to turn to unneeded cruelty, to hurt those she cared for. She would reclaim their homeland on her own terms.

She would be her own kind of evil, different from her mother’s, even if they used the same magic, read the same spellbook, had the same blood. She would burn her mother's legacy and build her own, build herself from the ashes and leave her mother behind as nothing more than a faded memory, forgotten in her daughter’s shadow. And she would rise from the beaten depths of the Isle, bringing those most important with her, and give them the lives they deserved.

(That was her dream, fueled by Carlos’s invention and their new ability to steal magic from the barrier. To free them all, and give a better life to those she loved. It would come true, one day soon, different than she ever expected. Though she was right that she would reclaim her birthright on her own terms, those terms have nothing to do with the evil she now thinks she is.)

(She will learn she was never truly evil to begin with. She will make her magic truly her own, completely untainted by her mother’s wishes. She will reclaim the lost moors, and she will fill it with the love and light her mother destroyed, those she loves by her side.)

-=+=-

To Evie, magic was a tool. She had no real feelings to it, like how a writer feels no fondness for pens, nor a painter for brushes. She used alchemy books to mix beauty products for her mother, keeping the old woman preoccupied with something else, allowing Evie precious moments of freedom from her mother’s “love”. The word was so mutated in the queen’s mind, as if her unending barrage of insults was the same as Mal’s soft smile, Carlos’s beautiful rambling, Jay’s protective arms.

The best use for her magic was concocting healing brews, things she could give to her gang to save them even a bit of pain. A cream to clear the bruises on Carlos's chest, small packets for Jay to trade so he need not steal while injured, a bite of apple to save Mal’s life. Things to protect the three most important people in her life.

(Though, she had a hidden use for these healing salves too. A secret mix to hide scars, to blend discolorations in with the rest of her skin. She used it only when she truly needed, the others would easily tell if every scar she once had disappeared. But, if she ended up bleeding in the middle of the night, scratching at her skin and sobbing because her mother was right she was so ugly and useless and worthless, and said scratches disappeared before morning, well, no one would ever need to know they ever existed.

Because, truly, what right did she have to complain? What gave her the right cry and sob because her mother said something cruel? The others had parents who beat them till they bled, how could her mother’s words ever compare? Even if her mother screamed until her voice was raw, even if she repeated that Evie was ugly and worthless until the girl could do nothing but believe it herself, even if she forced her to avoid even the small amounts of food they could scrounge up, weakinging her to the point of fainting, possibly death if the others hadn't shoved food in her hands and forced her to eat, as if hurting herself would make her more beautiful.

Even if the Evil Queen, known for her own effortless beauty and even more effortless cruelty, hammered that lesson into the child’s head. That beauty is pain and the only way to have worth is to hurt and you must hurt to be loved, and if you are not in pain you are not beautiful you are not trying hard enough you are failing and they will all leave and you will be left with nothing but pain and your own ugliness.)

So, Evie was thankful for her magic, thankful she could heal those she loved, and hide things that would hurt them. Thankful she could keep her mother’s suspicion away, when the old woman’s view shifted from seeing Evie as an extension of herself to seeing her daughter as a competitor, someone who was out to betray her and take her place. A gift could appease the woman, at least for a bit, reminding her that the child before her had hair too light, skin too dark, lips too pale to be the girl the queen despised. Not that the queen wouldn't try to change that, pushing the child to look more beautiful than the girl who bested her, then punishing the child for being more beautiful than herself.

Her mother’s erraticy gave Evie some odd mix of both hatred and jealousy for her half sister. Her mother wanted her to be more beautiful than Snow White, going as far as to try and even bleach her daughter’s skin, forcing Evie to be the subject of dozens of ill advised experiments to make the girl “beautiful”. Evie hated her sister for the standard she set, for leaving her on the Isle, for their mother’s obsession. But she was desperately jealous of her, desperately wanted to be just as beautiful, partly so her mother would leave her be, but more so she would never lose the love she held so dear.

She feared that more than all, more than death itself, losing those she loved.

She’d heard tales of true love since birth, heard the idea scoffed at and hated. Told it was something for Aradon royalty, something she would never have, should never want. And yet, despite all that, despite the evil in her, the evil surrounding them, she had it. Had it with three incredible people she loved more than anything. But she knew she wasn't as beautiful as the princess in auradon, knew she wasn't as good as them. What if she lost it? What if the most important people in her life left, because she wasn't beautiful enough to be worthy of their love?

(One day, she will learn that beauty is not worth. One day she will learn her three-turned-four lovers would never leave her, least of all over something so meaningless. She will learn that she is beautiful because she is kind, and that those who love her do so for her mind not her body. And she will learn that she need not live to please them, that they will always exist as pillars of support in her life, but she will be able to go and become her own person, do what she wishes without worrying if what she wants would make them dislike her, make them want to leave. She will be able to grow and heal with them, work with them to build a life for themselves and a safe world for the other children like them. One day she will speak with her sister, using the cup bought just for her, something she will have done a thousand times before. And she won’t be cured, the memories of her mother’s voice will always haunt her, but she will have people who love her back home, and wedding rings comfortably heavy on her fingers, and kids to pick up later from school, and the knowledge that the lost children of the Isle are free, and the memories will be pushed away with ease.

One day she will use her magic to help her heal, not hide her pain.

That future may be far away, too far for her to see where she is now, trapped on the Isle, believing lies about love and herself. But it exists, and it’s waiting for her.)

-=+=-

To Carlos, his magic was inconsequential. As far as he was concerned, it didn’t exist. The only evidence of it was a flash of pain, quick, white hot burning in his chest when he pulled pure magic from his device on accident. And when he blinked the stars from his eyes, when he managed to pull breath into his lungs again, when he finally quelled the panic rising in his chest, he forced himself to ignore what had just happened. He made himself believe that the pain, the sudden surge of power, the overcoming sense of dread, was some kind of fluke, some byproduct of the barrier. Pure mortals must not handle magic well, he decided, and let the memory fade to the back of his mind.

Because it was easier. It was easier to let himself believe that he had no magic, to deny the obvious in front of him. It was easier to ignore the instinctual feeling that this magic was his, that there was something darker about it, darker than the magic of the barrier or Mal’s spells.

It was easier, because to accept it would be to face it. And to face it would mean he would have to use this magic, this magic that felt so instinctually wrong, yet so much his.

The magic felt evil, and even on this Isle of the forgotten, where evil was revealed in, evil was celebrated, he feared becoming evil himself. Because to him, there was very little true evil on the isle. The evil belonged to the adults, the ones banished for their actions. Jafar, Maleficent, the Evil Queen. His mother.

The other children may see themselves as cruel and evil, but he saw the truth. They were neutral, survivors in this abandoned wasteland. Born with evil inside them, and countering it with enough good to turn their black hearts gray. Protecting each other, caring for others, helping in the backhanded way you only understood if you grew up in a world where kindness brought pain.

And yet, despite the fact that any impartial party would tell you they were all the same, he saw himself as different from the rest. He could see the good they did, see them balance the scales to keep themselves from falling into evil. But no matter what he did, it never felt like enough. He felt as if he was teetering on the edge of a cliff, held up by nothing more than a fraying rope. And if he accepted this magic, it would slice straight through, sending him to his doom.

(He was too close to see the good he did. His mother’s screaming of how he was so horrid to her, how he brought her so much pain, how much she wished he was a good son confused him. He saw himself as bad, and saw that as an easy descent into evil, an easy descent into becoming those who had hurt him and those he loved.)

(He didn’t want to be evil, evil like Maleficent who would snap Mal’s bones with cold eyes. Evil like Jafar who’d beat Jay for bringing one to few things home. Evil like the Queen, who’d lie and scream and dim the brightness of Evie’s smile. Evil like his mother, who would hurt and hurt and hurt and never stop as long as it got her what she wanted, never feel remorse for the pain she brought.)

So he did with his magic what he did with his other problems, forget. Forcing them to the back of his mind, focusing on the immediate, focusing on surviving day to day. And you can’t blame him, not really. On the Isle every day is about making sure you live to your next, and that you can bring a handful of others with you.

And it may not have been his fault, but in doing so, in pushing aside the pain it brought and forcing himself to forget, he created more problems for himself. Because his magic would not go away, same with how pretending his mother didn’t exist didn’t simply make her disappear.

(One day, he will be forced to face this magic, to accept it as part of himself. It will bring him pain he doesn't deserve, but he will overcome it, four others by his side. He will realize that the evil he felt was nothing more than a reflection of his own fears, that he could never truly become evil. Because he didn’t want to be, won’t want to be, will never find joy in causing others pain. The things that will make him happy are bright days and small animals and unconventional dates and the laughter of children trying chocolate for the first time.

He will realize he could never be evil, never turn into those who hurt him. Never become his mother. And he will face his other problems, the ones so buried he hadn't thought of them in years, and he will overcome those too.)

-=+=-

im trash so i didn’t bother putting the italics in. it takes 20 minutes im sorry....

edit: i wnet back and added them uwu

jay’s getting his own fic which is basically one of these^^ but longer w/ fully written scenes lol. and uhhhh idr what i put in my a/n before but this is related to my other works/part of a series so please check out my ao3 ily https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Pluto

edit: so i felt like i needed to give more info ig?? i gave carlos magic bc im using it as a metaphor in my d1/d2/d3 rewrites, which uhhh part of are posted but not really the magic parts yet.... trust me for rn lol,,,, ty for reading!!!

#descendants #my writing #evie descendants #mal descendants #carlos descendants #carlos de vil #mal daughter of maleficent #evie daughter of the evil queen

12 notes · View notes

heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 4 years

Text

The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice….. And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so… I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so” and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015, he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything … claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit … And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.< *cue two more years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again. Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it. Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?! You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.

What concerned me the most here though, was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar ... over food)

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times.

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay.

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword.

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

#Moon Outta' Spoons #ask to tag #ask to tag better #I watched Bambi and Bambi II for the third or maybe fourth time in the last couple of months and like .... Also really for the first time #ever. I don't really know how that's impacted me yet but like it's gotta be good for something taking the leap that I'm about to.#You guys ever notice how MegaraxAladdin was a really popular crossover ship? That's pretty neat huh?#If I ever allow myself to express specific inspiration it's just gonna play out like ...#EX: *FINDS ME* ME: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME? EX: BECAUSE IT IS YOU YOU HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOU JUST #YOU JUST SLIGHTLY CHANGED YOUR URL!#I told you guys that this was gonna get weird and you have no ideer but it's like now after all these years and I've finally been presented #The opportunity to be able to vent about something that's been causing me so much pain for so long SO SPECIFICALLY that I wouldn't be able #to go through with if I wanted to because SOMEBODY OUT THERE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDEA!#So I guess no more playing Hide and Seek then .......#Again I don't really know what to say I just might not be online for a while.

2 notes · View notes

caramell0w · 6 years

Text

Ready to Comply

Parings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You are taken captive by Hydra and Bucky becomes your protector

Warnings: Language, Angst, Torture (both Bucky and reader)

A/N: This is an ask I got about doing a Beauty and the Beast with Bucky. I don’t like doing rewrites of movies, so I made it unique and added elements of the movie to it. Hope you enjoy!

A/N 2: So this is the 2nd time I’m posting this because I’m a dumb ass and deleted the original. So sorry about that everyone! This one should be good now. Also a big shout out to @blog-lady-vi (who Tumblr won’t let me tag) for the correct translations! I’m not retagging people in this one. Thank you all to those of you that like, commented and reblogged my original. Sorry I deleted it!

Translations: You don’t have the balls - У тебя яиц не хватит Fuck you too - Ты тоже иди нахуй

Word Count: 3581

If you like my fanfic, check out my books

Masterlist

I’m running as fast through the trees as my legs will take me. The distant sound of dogs barking reminds me I’m not safe yet. I pump my arms and legs, willing my body to push me forward out of danger. Faster, move faster damn it! The barking gets louder and the shouts of men increases. I can’t be caught. Hydra will never let me live if I’m caught. My future holds torture and ultimately, death.

I see a clearing up ahead of me and push harder and faster, hoping to get out into the open where someone might see me and rescue me. Coms went dead over five minutes ago, I’m not even sure if my team has survived the mission. I turn to look behind me and see the dogs are closing in. My legs feel like jello and my chest hurts so bad from the exertion I feel as if I will pass out.

Just a little more, almost there! I thought about turning around and aiming my gun at the soldiers and dogs chasing after me; but what would that actually do? There are many more of them than of me and I would just run out of bullets. The opening is so close I can taste freedom and then I see him, the Asset. The Winter Soldier, waiting for me at my only exit to this God forsaken forest. He has his gun trained on me, and I know he never misses his target.

I skid to a stop a few feet in front of him and turn so I’m running parallel to the opening. His eyes, while hidden underneath dark glasses are trained on my every movement. I’m his mission and unless I die; there is no chance of escape. I’m not going down without a fight though, screw that! I stop running and turn my gun on myself.

“Stop, or I shoot,” I say, cocking my gun.

“У тебя яиц не хватит,” he replies, his voice muffled by his muzzle.

“Ты тоже иди нахуй,” I respond and smile.

The sound of the dogs barking is deafening now as they are nipping at my heels.

“Soldat, take her down now,” a soldier commands. The Winter Soldier takes a step forward and I take one back, followed by another. My back brushes a tree and this is it. This is how it all ends, cornered like a broken dog. My finger itches to pull the trigger. In an instant he has his gun in his hand and he shoots at my leg. I look down expecting pain and blood; but I see a small dart instead. Fuck. I drop to my knees, the world above me spinning, and everything goes black.

I wake up some time later, could be hours, could be days; I’m really not sure. I’ve been stripped down to just my stealth suit pants and my tank top. No guns, no communication system, no watch. I look around at my small cell and at my deathbed. It could be worse, I could die on the cold cement floor curled up. Now it’s the waiting game.

I stand and walk to the bars that are holding me in my tiny prison and look into the cell next to me. He’s there, caged like an animal as well. How fitting for a killer.

“Soldat.” I command his attention. He turns his head in my direction but makes no move to answer me.

“Where am I?” He stares at me, eyes glued to mine and shoulder length chestnut hair hanging in his face. “I asked you a question Soldat. Where am I?”

“He won’t talk to you. He doesn’t report to you.” A booming voice says as he walks down the hall to my cell. “If you want to talk to him so bad I can make sure he breaks you for the answers we need.”

“I should have shot myself when I had the chance.”

“We’ll see about that, Y/F/N. In the meantime, I believe you might just be our next Asset. We have a lot of work ahead of us, and we have a lot of work to break you.” I back away from him, I’m terrified and he knows it. I see the glint of amusement in his eye and the smug smile on his face. “Oh yes, you are going to be fun to break. Better try to get some sleep, you won’t be getting any for awhile.” He turns on his heel and leaves us alone.

I feel the tears form and wipe them away before they have a chance to fall. I will not show weakness, I will not cry here. Think Y/N! I look around me for anything that could be used as a weapon or any means of escape. I’m frantic and I’m spiraling out of control with fear.

“Stop,” he says quietly, his voice sounding raw.

“Not in a million years. I’m not going to become an assassin like you. I’m not going to kill innocent people for these sick freaks, like you! Do you even know how much of a monster you are?” I place my hands on my hips and glare out at him.

“Yes.” He turns his back to me and drops his head. He sounds so defeated, so broken that I want to reach out to him.

“What happened to you?” It’s the only thing I can think to ask. Does he even know? Did he choose this? No, who would choose a life like this.

“I don’t remember.”

“Does it hurt?” I already know the answer, I’m positive it does.

He turns and his blue eyes lock with mine. “Yes.”

I’m strapped down to a chair, beaten and bruised; but still in one piece. I am alert enough to know I’m surrounded by at least ten men, all watching with amusement written on their faces. This is sick, they are getting joy of out of this. In the corner I see the asset watching me intently, his eyes never leaving me. I look over at him and plead for help with my eyes. I won’t say the words, I refuse to give them the satisfaction.

I am hooked up to some kind of IV and they are pumping me full of something. I struggle at first; but it is futile and I give up quickly. It’s easier to let the drugs run through me. It’s almost like anesthesia. I know I have a fat lip and bruised ribs; but I don’t seem to care.

“Are you willing to tell us now?” A man asks as he pinches my chin hard between his thumb and index finger, making me look at him. My eyes are glassed over and I gather as much spit as I can and get him right in the eye. He backhands me. My head snaps to the side, my eyes water and my ears are ringing. I open and close my jaw trying to get the ringing under control. “Turn it on.”

Someone forces a mouth guard into my mouth and I feel an electric shock jolt through my body, over and over again. I hear someone screaming in the distance and realize it’s me. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience, watching everything from afar. Finally the pain stops. My head is buzzing and my breathing is labored.

“How about now little girl?” I whimper. I can’t get the words to form from my mouth. I’m screaming at him in my head; but my lips haven’t gotten the memo. “One more time for good measure. Turn it back on.”

“Sir,” another man starts but he cuts him off.

“Now!”

The pain is back and it’s worse, I scream as loud as I can, my body shakes and my throat and eyes are burning. This is so much worse than torture, so much worse than I imagined. I focus my vision and it lands on The Winter Soldier. He has moved forward into my line of vision and I center myself with his face. This is how he is helping me. He is trying to keep my grounded. The machine stops again and I pass out.

I’m vaguely aware of someone carrying me back to my cell and gently placing me on the hard mattress. “No, stop.” I keep repeating the words quietly to myself over and over again. I feel something cold against my forehead and I jerk away from it. I open my eyes and see the soldier sitting at the edge of my bed, his hand tracing a pattern on my face.

“Get the fuck away from me,” I tell him, scrambling for the wall behind me.

“Please.” It’s all he says. It’s a simple word; but the meaning is much deeper, I know it is.

“Why?”

“I want to.” He pats the bed next to him and I move a little closer. “Lay down.” I do as he asks and he lays down behind me. My muscles tense as I feel his warm body behind mine and his cool metal arm draped over my waist. “Sleep.” My body understands his command; but my brain is having a hard time with it. It’s going a mile a minute and I can’t shut it down.

“How long?” I whisper, hoping he understands my question.

“I don’t know.” He pulls me a little closer and sleep finally pulls me under.

I wake up screaming only a few hours later and sit straight up. The soldier is kneeling over me and holds my face in his hands, locking my eyes with his. He helps ground me and I nod my head, letting him know I’m done screaming. The adrenaline finally kicks in and I’m sick as a dog. I empty what little I have in my stomach into the toilet and stand on shaky legs. He watches me; but makes no move to help for comfort me.

“Sleep.” He says, motioning for me to come back to the bed.

“No. Answers. I want answers, not sleep.” I’m not sure he will comply; but it’s worth a shot. “How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are there others like you?”

“No.”

“Have they tried before?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your name?”

“I can’t remember.”

Those three little words were like a gut punch. I can’t remember. How horrible for this man. He has no memories of his life before Hydra, nothing happy to think back on and remember. No friends, or family.

“Will you keep me safe?”

“The best I can.”

That was the best I could hope for. I know if they give him a new mission that involves taking me out I’m done for. I just hope he can remember who I am long enough to get out of here; or until I get rescued. They have to be looking for me right?

The few weeks go by agonizingly slow. I spend most of my day hooked up to an IV being tortured and then thrown back into my cell with him. He holds me through my screams of pain, and he helps drive away the nightmares that plague my mind. He is no longer the monster I met, he is someone in just as much pain as I; and I think he needs this comfort just as much as I need it. We have formed a bond; and I know he won’t hurt me. This is the closest to love I think he has experienced that he can remember, and the thought makes my heart ache.

They’ve started torturing me with the sanme trigger words they use on the soldier and he has been locked in his cell the past few days because of it. They don’t want to reset him in the process of breaking me.

“Longing.” I feel my heart rate accelerate; my body is anticipating what is coming next. The man saying the words smiles when he sees the change in my demeanor.

“Rusted.” I’m fighting the feeling of losing control over my body. I struggle in the chair and huff, the mouth guard muffling the noises.

“Furnace.” My eyes roll to the back of my head and I begin convulsing. This is the furthest they’ve gotten with me and my body seems to want to listen to them. Noises become faded and I’m hardly aware of what is going on around me. Fight this! Don’t let them win!

“Daybreak.” I pop open my eyes and look around the room. My body refuses to move, but I’m fully alert; I’m fighting the effects of the words.

“Seventeen.”

I scream and pull at the restraints. “Let me go!” The machine turns on and I am trapped in the daze of the pain. My body convulses under the pressure of the machine and the blood curdling scream that leaves my lips makes my throat hurt.

“We’re getting closer, we just need a little more time.” I hear the men talking like I’m not even in the room. I’m drenched in sweat and I just want to die.

Where is my team? Why haven’t they found me yet. I’m lifted by familiar arms and carried back to my cell. My soldier is there protecting me. I turn my face into his chest and nuzzle down into the comfort he brings.

“Soldat, stop.” He stops walking but does not turn to face the men. Please, don’t let them figure it out. I don’t want them using the soldier against me. “Drop her off and come back.” I look up at him and he nods. He resumes walking towards my cell and deposits me on the bed.

“Please don’t go to them. They are going to use you against me.” I go to touch his face and he pulls back.

“I have to.” He slams the door behind him and I curl up on my bed to wait. Are they going to send him back to break me himself, or are they going to torture him to get to me. The thought of either makes me sick. I let my exhausted body and mind fall into nothingness and sleep like the dead.

I wake up a while later and the soldier is leaning against the door, arms crossed over his chest and his foot bent at the knee, resting on the bars behind him.

“Who’s Steve Rogers?” He asks. It’s a simple question; but I can see the gears turning in his head.

“Why?”

“Who is he?” He asks, pushing from the wall and striding towards me.

Realization dawn on me. “You’re Sargent Barnes aren’t you?” He stops moving and stands still as if he is frozen. “Steve calls you Bucky. He’s told us all about you, what a good man you are.”

I growl rips from his throat and he is on me in an instant. His hand wrapped around my throat and he pins be against the cement wall. I wrap my fingers delicately over his metal wrist; but I know he won’t hurt me. I can see the war raging behind his eyes. “Who the hell is Bucky?” His face is inches from mine and his eyes are feral. “Answer me.” He commands.

‘You are. I was on a mission, working for Steve, when you captured me. I work with the Avengers, and Steve is one of us.” He relaxes his grip on my throat and I reach out to touch his face. My fingers dance along his cheek bone and he nuzzles his face into my touch. “Bucky, we need to get out of here. How do we escape.”

“We can’t.” He furrows his brows, deep in thought. I can tell he is trying to remember something and the look is gone in an instant.

“What’s your mission Bucky?”

He growls again, something snapping inside him. “I’m not Bucky. Stop calling me that.” He tightens his grip around my throat and my breathing becomes labored.

“Don’t do this Bucky.” I gasp, trying to get more oxygen. “Let me help you remember.” The world around me goes fuzzy and then black. I’m not dead, I can feel movement around me; but I’m not able to move either. I regain consciousness a small while later and I’m alone. The door to my cell has been left open.

I carefully get up and open it, the creak of the metal ringing off the silent walls. I look up and down the corridor and when I see it’s empty, I begin my ascent to leave this hell hole. I hear screaming and I freeze. It’s a blood curdling scream that I’ve become accustomed to over the past few weeks, expect it isn’t mine. I turn to look at the cell across from mine and it’s empty. Bucky!

All the hairs on my neck and arms are standing at attention and I know I can’t leave him. He doesn’t deserve this any more than I do. I run down the hall to the room of torture and I look in through the small window. Bucky is strapped down and is being wiped. The stream of electricity running through his body making him jerk in his restraints. I know he left the cell door open for me to escape, it’s his way of letting me go. They know what he did and he is paying for it.

I take a deep breath, knowing even if I run that I’m not getting out of here alive; and I push open the door. “Stop!” I yell as loud as I can. Someone powers down the machine and everyone stares at me. I don’t look at any of them; my eyes are locked on Bucky’s, my protector. “Let him go.” My request is met with a few laughs and some eye rolls; but I ignore them; taking a few steps closer to the Soldier.

Someone points a gun to my head and I continue my walk, closer to him. “Bucky? Can you hear me?” His eyes don’t leave mine; but he doesn’t answer me either. “Soldat?”

Recognition flashes and he nods his head. My protector isn’t here right now, he’s been replaced with the killer; the beast. He is released from his restraints and he stands, looming over me. This is it, he’s going to break me here in front of all these people. A small sob works its way past my lips and I bite my lip to keep from showing my fear.

“I love you Bucky. I’m so sorry.” I wrap my arms around his waist and press my face into his chest. I keep repeating the words over and over; trying to pull him from his trance.

Something happens then that surprises me and the men around us; he wraps his arms around me and bends down to whisper in my ear. “I’m getting us out of here.”

I look up into his eyes and I see the fire behind them. He’s enraged and he’s on a mission; his own mission. One by one the men in the room are slaughtered. He grabs a scalpel from the table and slices someone’s jugular, blood spurting out everywhere. He grabs my hand and we make our way out of the room, towards the stair to freedom.

Men drop as we swiftly pass them, making our way further into the compound. We get to the last landing before the main floor and I can see daylight streaming in through the windows. I haven’t seen light in a few weeks and it’s a welcome sight. We pick up our speed, taking the steps two at a time, his hand never leaving mine. I hear a loud crack and Bucky goes down, pulling me with him. No! I look behind me and see someone in full tactical gear racing towards us. I look down at Bucky and he’s been shot in the leg. Make him immobile; but don’t kill him. That’s what they are doing.

“Bucky, please I need you to get up. You can’t stay here.”

A loud shattering noise comes from above us and a few people drop down. I recognize Steve and I want to cry I’m so happy. He is going to get us out of here. The other men with Steve take care of the on coming Hydra agents and Steve points his gun down at Bucky. I jump up in front of the barrel, shielding Bucky from him.

“No Steve, he’s not a threat to me. It’s Bucky.” I place my hand on the barrel on the gun and lower it.

“Bucky?” He asks looking over my shoulder at him. I kneel down and help him stand. He leans his weight on me and I wince in slight pain. “Let me take him.” Steve offers his arm but Bucky holds me tighter.

“It’s fine, I’ve got him.” The last thing I want is for Bucky to go back into Soldier mode to keep me safe. “Bucky,” I turn my attention to him, “Steve’s not going to hurt you or me. He’s one of us, one of the good guys. He’s going to get us out of here; we’re safe.”

He nods in understanding and we slowly walk out the front doors to the waiting quinjet. I help strap him in and he takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb on the back on my hand. I close my eyes, knowing I’m safe; that we’re safe.

#bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader #winter soldier #winter solder drabble #winter soldier imagine #bucky barnes imagine #marvel fanfic #marvel #avengers fanfiction

321 notes · View notes