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sycamoregirlsworld · 2 months

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Stockholm Syndrome- L. Castellan

part two!!!

down bad! luke x fem! reader

loser luke agenda

“baby look what you’ve done to me, baby you’ve got me tied down!” - one direction

lowkey want to make a pt. 2 idk

Why was he acting like this? Luke had never felt so jealous in his life. Jealousy wasn’t a feeling he had often. Sure, he was always slightly jealous of the kids with actual parents, but this was a different type of jealousy. It was the type of jealousy that made him want to scream into his pillow like a little kid.

And that was so weird for him! He was the counselor of the Hermes cabin. He had a scar on his face from fighting a dragon! Luke Castellan was cool, and he did not let things like girls get under his skin.

“You look like a creep.” Chris scoffed, shaking Luke out of his thoughts.

“I’m not even staring at her.” Luke frowned at his friend as he picked up his sword, deciding that maybe he should actually practice.

He was staring at her, though. But how could he not!? His best friend had impeccable fighting form, he always admired that.

That was why he was staring at (Y/n), nothing else. And he was not glaring at the boy she was sparring with and thinking about running his sword through him. Not at all.

“Y’know, I didn’t even mention her.” Chris raised his brows as he also picked up his sword. “You’ve gotta tell her how you feel, before someone else sweeps her up.”

“I dont love her, Chris.” Luke frowned as he swiped his sword at his friend. “At least not like that.”

But he couldn’t help but shift uncomfortably at Chris’s words. Someone else sweeping up (Y/n)? His (Y/n)? It had always been him and her. (Y/n) and Luke.

He felt gross being so possessive over her, but he didn’t have much in life.

Imagining (Y/n) being gone was….

That thought got him worked up, and he could feel his nonchalant exterior breaking.

He tried not to think about it, but when it came to (Y/n) he was very chalant.

Is that even a word? Doesn’t matter… Luke just knows he’s the opposite of nonchalant when it comes to her.

He tried to ignore it, he really did! She had been his bestfriend since he had gotten to camp, he didn’t want to ruin anything between them.

And sure, maybe it felt like a hellhound was ripping out his insides everytime another boy flirted with her. And yes, he did frequently dream about dropping to his knees in front of her and—

‘Stop it!’ Luke scolded himself as he blocked Chris’s attack. ‘Stop thinking of her like that..’

He couldn’t focus on the fight. The swinging and blocking of his sword was sloppy compared to his usual sharp technique. He just couldn’t pull his eyes away from (Y/n).

His jaw clenched as he watched her sword knock against the boy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Why was she even sparring with this loser? She easily had the upper hand, this boy wasn’t even good!

(Y/n) always said she liked sparring with Luke because of the challenge, their sparring was always playful and fun— but it was hard.

Their skills were equally matched, he was so much better then this random boy—

Luke’s thoughts were broken away as Chris disarmed Luke, backbiter falling to the ground with a thud.

Luke’s thoughts stilled for a moment as he stared at the ground with his jaw agape. How did he—Luke Castellan—get disarmed by Chris Rodriguez?

“She’s got you whipped.” Chris laughed as he looked over at (Y/n).

Right. That’s how’s he got beat.

“Whatever man.” Luke scoffed as he swiped her sword up and stormed away.

The quiet crackling of the fire and the loud singing from the Apollo cabin didn’t to much to lift (Y/n)’s mood. The entire day Luke had been ignoring her, and it was really pissing her off.

He was fine this morning! He had even given her his last bit of eggs during breakfast, but after that he hadn’t talked to her.

Was it because she had chosen Ben as her sparring partner instead of Luke? She guessed that could be the problem, but she didn’t know why he’d be mad!

And Ben had asked her to be his sparring partner, she would’ve felt bad if she said no.

Maybe she had also obliged his request to get her mind off of Luke.

Gods, being in love with your best friend was totally lame! She knew Aphrodite always had a plan, but if this was the Goddess’s idea of a good trope she needed to rethink her tastes.

Reading friends to lovers in a book? Totally fine— amazing even!

Experiencing it in real life? A cruel and unusual punishment.

But she couldn’t help falling for Luke, he was just so kind and funny and strong and he was such a pretty boy.

Like, screw Helen of Troy, try Luke of Connecticut!

But having those thoughts about your best friend was so uncomfortable, especially when you’re supposed to be sparring with him but instead you just want to pin him down and kiss him.

And this is where Ben enters. Ben was blonde, short, and skinny. He was wasn’t very smart nor was he a good fighter. The complete opposite of Luke!

(Y/n) thought that would’ve been good. If he was the complete opposite of Luke, then it would be impossible for her to think about the boy, right?

Wrong!

Turns out, it just made her pick apart everything that made him different from Luke.

Currently, she was sitting next to the blonde boy. It was rather uncomfortable as she could feel his body pressed too close to hers and she could see the seductive look he was sending her from the corner of her eyes.

Yuck.

She enjoyed his attention, sure. But it wasn’t his that she wanted.

It made her feel bad, to nitpick someone like this all because she was hopelessly down bad for her best friend.

But she also couldn’t really find it in her to care. She felt dirty, gross, and disloyal for spending her time with Ben.

It’s not like Luke and her were a thing, but she wasn’t the type to divide her adoration. If she liked someone, it would always be them.

And it had been Luke for awhile.

But she was tired of it now. Selfishly, she wanted affection. She wanted to be adored! And yeah, Luke showed her affection, but it was a ‘best friend’ type of affection.

So here she was, debating on if she should just leave the campfire early.

“What’re you thinking about?” Ben asked as he nudged his shoulder against hers.

‘Luke.’ Her mind immediately answered.

But she couldn’t say that to him, so instead she just answered, “Nothing.”

She could hear Ben hum in response, but she still wasn’t looking at him.

Instead, she was watching Luke from across the fire. The way the flames danced off his skin made him look well— hot!

She smiled shyly as she made eye contact with him and waved, to her luck he actually waved back. He looked like he was about to open his mouth to say something when she felt Ben’s hand grip her chin and turn her head towards him.

“You’re so beautiful..” He mumbled as he tilted her head up.

Her jaw clenched and her body went rigid. This was gross. His hands were smooth and sweaty…

Ben shifted even closer to her, his bony legs pressing up against hers.

“I used to think you and Castellan had something going on, y’know?” He smirked and got closer, “But I guess not.”

(Y/n) furrowed her brows at his words. Why was he bringing up another guy when he looked like he was about to kiss her? She found it weird and territorial, not to mention he was bringing up someone she’d rather be kissing…

(Y/n) could feel her stomach twist up in a gross anticipation, she could just tell by the way he was looking at her they he was about to lean in.

And she really didn’t want his lips on hers.

She pursed her lips as he closed his eyes, his sweaty hands snaking from her chin to her hair as he began to lean closer.

He was so close, she could feel his breath in her face and then—

“Hey.” A deep voice spoke up from next to them.

(Y/n) quickly pulled away and sighed in relief when she spotted Luke standing over them, his dark glare settled onto Ben.

The blonde haired boy looked pissed as he stared up at Luke. “Hey dude!” He smiled tensely. “What’re you uh- what are you doing?”

Ben was obviously trying to look and sound intimidating as he puffed out his chest and made his voice deeper. But as the Luke Castellan stood over them, his brown curls falling slightly in his eyes, Ben just looked so meek.

“I need to talk to my girl.” Luke shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal and pulled (Y/n) up.

She tried to ignore the fact that he called her his girl. He didn’t mean it, he just knew she was uncomfortable and was trying to get her away from Ben.

But she couldn’t ignore the way she felt when he said it. His words, mixed with the way he held her hand tightly, made her feel like she was about to throw up an entire colony of bees.

She smiled apologetically at Ben as she allowed Luke to pull her away, even though she couldn’t give two fucks.

“Where are we going?” (Y/n) asked curiously as she glanced around at their surroundings. The two had been walking for awhile, (Y/n) trailing after Luke like a lost puppy.

“You’ll see.” Luke’s words were short as he continued to drag her around.

The girl puffed out her cheeks and looked away. He was still mad at her, wasn’t he? She didn’t even know why he’d be mad, and that now was making her mad!

She tugged on his arm and stopped walking.

“Why are you so mad at me?” She frowned.

Luke turned around and raised his brow. “Mad at you?” He scoffed. “You think I’m mad at you?”

(Y/n) puffed out her cheeks as she held her arms up in an exasperated motion. Was he being serious?

“Well I dunno Luke!” Her voice came out high pitched as she jutted her hip out. “After sword practice tonight you ignore me when I come up to you, then you ignore me during arts and crafts, and you also ignored me during dinner!”

During her blow up, (Y/n) had gotten closer to Luke, staring up with him with narrowed eyes as she shoved her finger into his chest.

“I haven’t been ignoring you.” Luke scoffed as he caught her wrist. “I’ve just been—”

“Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” The girl frowned as she ripped her wrist away from his grasp. “You talked to me during breakfast but you’ve ignored me the rest of the day Luke, what did I do?”

The brown haired boy went silent at her words, a pang of guilt hitting his chest as he heard the distress in her voice.

“You didn’t do anything…” Luke sighed as he tugged on his camp necklace.

That was always his tell, whenever he was nervous he’d tug on it.

“Then why am I the victim of your anger?” (Y/n) groaned as she ran a hand through her hair. “You know I hate it when you do that—”

“I was jealous!” Luke blurted out. After a beat of silence, Luke processed what he had confessed and slapped his hand over his mouth.

“You…. were jealous?” (Y/n) tilted her head as she looked up at him.

Luke was acting strange… sure, the pair had many conversations about his jealousy towards children’s whose godly parents actually cared, but this was different.

This was… about her?

“Fuck it…” Luke groaned as he rubbed his hand over his face. “Yeah. I was jealous. You sparred with that blonde kid today and then Chris said something that really got under my skin.”

“What do you mean..?” (Y/n) took a step closer to him, laying a hand on his bicep in concern.

“This is so unlike me— y’know I never let things like this get under my skin, but when it comes to you?” Luke breathed out as he hesitatingly cupped her face with his hands. “You get me so worked up.”

“When I’m with you, all I want to do is kiss you, and worship the ground you walk on, and do all this other shit to you because I just— I love you!” Luke continued with his rant, not giving (Y/n) any time to reply. “And it takes all my self restraint and then some to not do it!”

“Y-you love me?” (Y/n) stammers as she grabbed the hand that Luke was holding her face with.

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She needed someone to pinch her, because this couldn’t be real!

Luke Castellan—her Luke Castellan—who she never thought she had a chance with, wanted her too??

“So, so, much.” Luke chewed on his bottom lip as he stared down at her. “And when I saw that loser trying to kiss you tonight— I wanted to get violent!”

This elicited a small giggle out of (Y/n). It was gross when Ben was territorial, but it felt right when Luke was.

With Ben it seemed like he was trying to prove he was the man. But Luke was the man. He was the man of her dreams, to be more exact.

“Well— I love you too..” (Y/n) smiled shyly as she looked down at her feet. Her cheeks were flushed and the feeling of Luke’s rough hand against her cheek didn’t help the butterflies that swirled around her stomach.

Luke nudged her chin up and smiled as he met her eyes. (Y/n) always thought he looked good, but something about seeing him after he had confessed his love to her just made him look even better.

“Hey, promise me something?” He requested as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Only ever be my sparring partner?”

“Is this your lame way of asking me to be your girlfriend?” Her nose scrunched up in amusement, but she couldn’t stop the fuzzy feeling that surrounded her.

Luke glanced away with flushed cheeks. “Just say yes or no.” He grumbled.

(Y/n)’s eyes twinkled with mischief as she tugged Luke down to her level, their noses brushing as she smiled.

“Yes, of course I will.”

Luke surged forward and pressed his lips against hers in a frenzy, (Y/n) kissing back just as feverishly.

Finally, after years of stupid yearning they were getting to feel each others lips.

(Y/n) quickly had her hands tangled through Luke’s hair, needing something to support herself as he continued his merciless attack against her lips.

Luke gripped her hips tightly with a quiet moan, his fingers sinking into the stiff denim of her shorts as he attempted to pull her closer.

(Y/n) pulled away with flushed cheeks, stumbling slightly as she was tugged forward.

“Everyone should still be at the campfire…” She trailed off as she looked away shyly, hoping Luke would catch her drift.

Luke smirked in response and pulled her into another chaste kiss.

“I like the way you think.”

#luke castellan #aesthetic #luke castellan x you #luke castellan x reader #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo series #pjo #percy jackson #pjo tv show #one direction

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redr0sewrites · 2 months

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Striker x Reader General Hcs

guysguysguys plsssss hes soooo- cowboys r a guilty pleasure of mine

🥀Cw: fluff, smut, switch!striker, riding + face riding, oral, somno

🥀minors dni with the nsfw portion

sfw:

striker never expected to have a real, long term partner, especially with his line of work

sure he's had hookups and flings over the years, but you really threw him off his feet

there was something about you that really dazzled striker, and he knew that you were the one

he dates to marry, and that is truly reflected in how he treats you

striker is a gentleman when he's courting you, he'll do the basics like holding the door for you and giving you gifts, but he somehow always finds a way to take it a step further.

you're both walking down the street and you have to step over a puddle? no need to worry, striker will scoop you up and carry you right over. you ran out of your favorite food while you're craving it? don't fret, striker will run to the store and grab it for you without a second thought

this is all before you both are even together! hes truly a sweetheart towards you, and it shocks everyone how you've managed to tame the wild assassin

striker definitely has a lot of nicknames for you, all circulating around his western class

poppet, sugar, darlin', doll, sugar, and lil' lady (if ur fem) are all ones you'll definitely hear

when talking about you to others, he'll call you "the apple of his eye" or other sappy things like that

he knows how dangerous his job is, and being associated with him can put you in danger. because of that, hes a little reluctant to court you, so he may give slightly mixed signals at first when hes feeling anxious about your safety

it wont take long for him to decide what he wants, but striker definitely wants to make sure you know how to defend yourself

even before you're together he offers you self defense lessons, and is always trying to keep an eye out for you to make sure you're safe

hes protective, but he also trusts you a lot and won't try to interfere with your life or anything, he just wants to make sure you're okay

underneath his tough persona, striker definitely has a soft, domestic vibe. as previously stated, he's the type to want to get married, and even if you don't, he still wants to have a good bond with you

hes a really great person to live with, he def is the type to cook and clean for you and overall carries his weight around the house

he sees it as a respect thing more than anything, and wants you to know how devoted he is to you and that he doesn't expect you to take care of him

he never forces you to do anything though, you can't tell me that he wouldn't absolutely despise people who force their spouses to cook and clean for them. he thinks relationships should be equal, and that you both should share the weight of household responsibilities

i dont think striker is the type to expect much from his partner if that makes sense? he would never want to put pressure on you to be with him or to carry any burdens. he knows how dangerous his job is, and will occasionally ask you if you're still comfortable with him and everything he does

everytime you say yes, he gets this wide eyed grin and ruffles your hair. a part of him is always afraid of pushing you away, its not easy to date a literal assassin, but the fact that you love him and that you want to be with him amazes striker every time

hes def an acts of service guy through and through, striker's actions always speak louder than anything

because his job is so busy, he sometimes works super late or has to get up ridiculously early. striker often feels pretty bad about his crazy working hours, and always dotes on you if you stay up late waiting for him and kisses you on the cheek everytime he has to leave

HE LIKES TO PLAY MUSIC FOR YOU ON HIS GUITAR AND HE'LL SING SONGS FOR YOU

striker also really enjoys dancing with you, and you two r definitely the type to slow dance in the kitchen sorry i don't make the rules

you're one of the few people he lets touch his cowboy hat, and also the only person who has ever ridden Bombshell besides him <3

he keeps a photo of you in his wallet/jacket and looks at it after rough missions

nsfw

yk the phrase "wear the cowboy hat, ride the cowboy"? or "save a horse, ride a cowboy?" yea those both were made for him btw

the cowboy hat stays on during sex, but not on him /hj

seriously tho, he loves the sight of you wearing nothing but his hat, and its one of the quickest ways to rile him up

striker LOVES and i mean LOVESSS when you ride him

theres something so exhilarating about seeing you on top, and after a long, stressful mission, there's something so pleasing about just letting you take the reins and ride him senseless

his fav positions are cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, face sitting, missionary, mating press, pretty much anything where he can see your face

striker is big on eye contact, whether hes top or bottom he loves the intimacy of eye contact

he memorizes everything about your body, what makes you tick, where to touch you that will make you moan loudest, your most sensitive spots, he has pleasuring you down to an art

def into bondage and shibari, whether its you tying him up or him tying you up, he loves it

striker likes the intricacies of shibari, but will always check that the ropes aren't too tight (unless you want it that way... in that case he'll indulge you ;)

he is soooo talkative, he loves praising you and degrading you and he talks you through every orgasm

when hes dom, striker is more of a groaner, he'll let out these throaty, deep rumbles and groans while whispering about how fucking good you make him feel in the deepest, most delicious voice ever

when hes in a more submissive mood i think hes a little quieter, he'll let out some breathy pants and moans but won't be super vocal

hes into (consensual) contact play and doesn't mind being pushed around. i also think he'd have a gun kink and would face fuck you with a gun (never loaded tho, you're far too precious to risk hurting)

ORAL FIXATION.

striker loves giving, like hes def a giver 100% and loves it when you ride his face

he wants you to SIT on his face, in his opinion his face is your throne and it doesn't matter how big you are, strikers a strong guy and will take all of your weight without a second thought

hes a gentleman, he makes you cum at least twice during foreplay before he even actually fucks you

striker is into somno, you both have def had convos about him fucking you in your sleep before

he comes home so late for work sometimes, and the sight of you sleeping on the couch, waiting just for him is so adorable

he likes teasing you and hearing you're unfiltered gasps and moans, the way your body responds to his simple touches without even being awake turns him on a lot

striker also loves it when you moan his name in your sleep, he has a secret possessive side and the fact that you're thinking about him even in your dreams is just so hot to him

sometimes though it'll be the other way around, he'll collapse into bed after a long mission, passing out in mere seconds. meanwhile, you creep into bed with him and give him a handjob, watching as he moans and whispers your name like a prayer. he'll hump into your hand, and sometimes he'll cum so hard he'll wake himself up

when you ask him what he was dreaming about he'll chuckle, but the blush on his cheeks gives him away

when hes sub, striker is like the male version of a pillow prince sometimes. he just wants to lay back and be pampered, theres a part of him that just wants to be loved and taken care of

....mommy/daddy/master kink... what? u hear sum?? i will write ab this...

hes a bit into semi-public sex, but wouldn't ever let anyone actually catch you both. you're body is for his eyes and his eyes alone

striker takes his time undressing you and kissing every inch of your body before the foreplay even starts, and sometimes his tail will rattle a little as he does so. hes just so enamored with you, he can't help it

guysgys GUYSSYYSYSYSYSY RUGERHEHEHSSBSSHSH I FUCKING LOVE STRIKER SM HES MY FAVVV!!!! ALSO HELLUVA BOSS IS OPEN FOR REQS !!

im not gonna make a separate masterlist for helluva boss im just gonna add this to my hazbin masterlist ahshsh

#striker x reader #striker #striker helluva boss #striker x oc #helluva striker #helluva boss striker #striker x you #striker smut #striker fluff #helluva boss #helluva boss x reader #helluva boss x you #helluva boss x y/n #helluva boss smut #helluva boss fluff #helluva striker x reader #helluva boss striker x reader #helluva

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flowerflowerflo · 29 days

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friendship breakups 🎀 . ࣪˖

OKAY. so. i was best friends with this girl for 7 years and only recently i ditched her! after so so so so long i ditched her. finally. and my god i feel SO much better.

˚₊‧꒰ა friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

someone that you experience a bond with.

˚₊‧꒰ა toxic friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

someone who drains you and hurts you while still considering themselves a friend.

i think one of the hardest parts of this whole situation is figuring out what makes somebody toxic for you without constantly over-romanticising all the good parts.

˚₊‧꒰ა clear signs of a toxic friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

♡ dreading communication with them

♡ feeling drained after interactions

♡ being insecure and fearful around them

♡ holding off on telling them big things

♡ used as a joke way too often

♡ kept in the dark as just a "backup plan"

♡ left out & overlooked.

a friend should be somebody who hypes you up and makes you laugh and rambles for ages with you and makes dumb jokes with you and makes you happy and doesn't leave you out or make you feel alienated or upset or anything like that. it took me 4 whole years to actually realise this.

now, if you find yourself in a position where you are experiencing these signs of a toxic friendship but aren't really sure what to do, this is what i did!:

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ weigh out the goods & bads

if you're currently stuck with somebody who makes you feel drained and insecure and whatever else may be making you feel as though maybe you should cut them off, it sounds a little weird but as somebody who works way better puzzling things out when doing it on paper, i made a whole pros and cons list of what this friendship brings to my life. having a physical representation of your confusing thought process around the whole situation can be very beneficial and help to put your thoughts into clarity so you can make a decision that actually helps and aligns with you and go from there.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ figure out your friendship standards

everybody always talks about having standards in romantic relationships and love and all that but i barely hear anything on standards for friendships. friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, and having standards for friendships is equally essential as it would be in a relationship if you dont want to attract scruffy, dirty, insecure people who will only drag you down. ask yourself what your ideal friend looks like; somebody who shares your interests, somebody who supports you, somebody with a similar mindset to you, similar background to you; what is it that you want in a friendship? how do you define friendship? what does that look like for you? make a list and keep it somewhere safe. refer to this when making new friends and cutting them off.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ think back on your actions

a harsh truth of life is sometimes we are the problem. something i did for way longer than i should have is spend time going back over my every word, every movement, every action to see if there was something i did wrong. now dont do what i did, but do just sit down for a little bit and think if there was anything you could have possibly done and bring it up with them to resolve it if you did. admitting your wrongs is not weak. it is the strongest thing one can do.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ get a second opinion

one thing that helped me was talking to my mum about it. me and my mum are really close so i chose her but it can be another close friend, a parent, a partner, just whatever you feel comfy with. try to put it into a hypothetical situation so that they have no prior biased views on the situation and explain to them the scenario and see what they would do and what they would say. if you have no one to do it with, then thats absolutely fine because this is completely optional and just helped me to reassure myself a bit, but you can also think of it from an outsiders perspective or if a friend was telling you that they are experiencing what you're currently going through so you can get an unbiased opinion from yourself.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ let yourself feel how you feel

if you need to, just sit and cry for a bit. journal, write, wallow in your own sadness for a bit if thats what you need to release it from yourself. suppressing and holding all this in is way, way worse for you than letting it out could ever be. just have one night where you rot and cry and be sad about it. this releases the negative energy you've been holding onto about it and i promise you will feel so much lighter afterwards.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ demonising and romanticising

in these situations, its best to keep a neutral mindset towards them. even if its toxic, they were your friends in the first place for a reason and even if you shouldn't romanticise them dont demonise them and completely despise them either because thats not good for you or them. they are still an experience you went through in your life and are to be learnt from, nothing more. respect the good parts just as much as the bad parts.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ dealing with conflict

something i really really worried about for years when i wanted to leave my ex-best friend was the falling out and the social backlash, seeing as she's fairly popular too. but while i was expecting sooo much backlash and conflict, it turns out that if you do it the right way, nobody really cares. sure, it might attract a little attention for a while, but trust in yourself and remembering that nobody will actually care about this in a few weeks will get you through and you can move on with your life. if people can turn against you from only hearing one side of the story, they were never your people. plus, why are you stressing about validation from people you don't even like in the first place?

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ detachment

one thing that has saved me in many, many situations, including this one, is not giving a fuck. i will be making a post on detachment at some point but detachment in friendship breakups especially is so important because its easy to let your emotions get the best of you and control you and make irrational decisions in these situations. staying completely indifferent and detached and comfortable in yourself with you as your main priority has to be one of if not the most important part of this whole process.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ moving on

obviously moving on is difficult. moving on might be one of the most difficult things about the whole experience of a friendship breakup. so along with feeling the emotions and releasing them like i mentioned earlier, acknowledge that it's okay to mourn the past, even if they were bad for you. thats perfectly normal and okay. but do not let it consume you. trust in yourself and that this is for the best, and be proud of yourself for getting out of that friendship because there's so much you haven't yet learned and so many people you haven't yet met that will change your whole life in ways you can't possibly imagine right now. ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ trusting yourself

trust that no matter what's going on right now you will always be able to bounce back from it. trust your judgement and that if it makes you feel this bad, you arent overreacting, you arent overemotional, you arent just sensitive and it is genuinely affecting and impacting you. everything is an experience to be learnt and grow from and this is no different. its uncomfortable and its scary but the shift to getting everything you want is often scary and uncomfortable because of how much has to change to achieve that reality. if there's one person you're always going to have no matter what, it's going to be you. you are your own best friend. trust yourself above anybody and everybody else.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ actually cutting them off

one thing i did that i feel could have ended things a lot easier is not procrastinate the process of actually cutting them off. it was a little easier for me because she was ghosting me anyway so i did the same and told her no whenever she wanted me to do something because i refuse to be a second option, but if you're not comfortable with that and can't do it in a good or polite way because of whatever circumstances you might be in then just politely tell them. plan out what you wanna say in your head, dont think about it and just tell them. it will all be for the best, i promise. being uncomfortable is a part of change. you can do this.

overall, everybody enters your life and everybody leaves your life for a reason. please don't take this personally. people are not meant to stay forever. relationships are precious and fleeting, no matter what kind, and you should treasure them, good or bad, while accepting it might not be right for you anymore. people aren't supposed to stay forever and losing friends shows that you are growing. you've got this, okay? 💞💗

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sanajeh1909 · 8 months

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Pairing : Chamber x F!Reader Word Count : 1709 Warnings : Violence, Flirting, Romantic Tension, Mild Sexual Content (it gets suggestive on some parts i think), Mission Scenario, Slow Burn (?) POV : 3rd Person One Shot A/N : Sorry for my poor English, its not my native language. Chamber can be a bit OOC. Gif doesnt belong to me. I tried my best and i had hard time to think response to every flirty sentence. Yellow is for Chamber, Blue is for Reader. I hope you enjoy it. ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ ✧༺♥༻∞ Bullets were buzzing from above. Agents has taken cover. The mission was to get the new member of the Protocol, but enemy wasnt backing down. You had taken cover on backsite. The enemy were pushing on the site with all their utilities. There he was, Chamber, on heaven. He was so charismatic, suave, nonchalant, smug comedy. Its the type of guy you would want to flirt shamelessly. The battlefield, all the chaos didnt stop you two from flirting with each other when worked together.

As you both traded playful jabs and flirted with one another, the two maintained their professionalism and skill. Their abilities weren't hindered even by the distractions. Chamber smirked when he landed the first kill, the winning shot. He turned to his partner. I could get very used to working with you. He looked his partner up and down, grinning. You wouldn't be a bad looking trophy either. He raised an eyebrow seductively.

Be careful, the trophy bites. You speak playfully with narrowed eyes and small teasing smirk on your lips.

I'm a good tamer, just for you. He gave you a wink and a charming smirk. You turn your head and you raise both of your eyebrows in both awe and confusion. Wow. He left you speechless.

Just a warning. His voice is a little softer than normal, as he jumped down from heaven to come closer to you. I'd kiss you, if it wouldn't leave me open for a headshot. He whispers teasingly into your ear, giving you the briefest graze with his lips.

You take his collar between your two fingers and you graze it slowly. You have to learn how to be patient, then. You get your rifle and shoot to the B-Long.

I'm patient, just not when it comes to you, baby. He walks next to you as you shoot into the B site. He flashes you another wink. You'll get your kiss, just wait and see. I dont remember asking for a kiss. You smirk at him teasingly. He looks at the round timer, noticing it's nearing 1:30. We should push, you know. You look at the enemy and answer. Yes, lets push.

You don't ask for a kiss. You demand one. Chamber smirked back, shooting two enemies as they peeked their heads into the site. You'll get yours, just watch. He flashes another wink, and peeks into the site, shooting some more.

Oh, dominant woman is your type? You ask teasingly as you peek and get one kill with your Spectre.

Who doesn't want a beautiful woman in charge of them? He smirks as he peeks into the site, landing four consecutive shots from his Operator. Let's hope you can handle a man with strong convictions. He winks teasingly at you, reloading while he can cover your flank.

You smirk at him widely with teasing demeanor. A little challenge is never bad. I know how to handle my man. Your tone drops a little bit as you speak teasingly.

I hope, for your sake, you can handle my convictions. He finishes reloading his Operator. He walks over to you and stands next to you, his smirk widening a bit. I'm a man with, very… firm… beliefs. His voice is raspy and sultry, like velvet.

Im intrigued to know what are your firm beliefs. You speak playfully as you peek to elbow.

I like to take control, and I like to be dominant. His smirk continues. He switches to a Sheriff shot, clearing the an enemy on elbow. But I'd prefer it if you fight against my dominance with your strength. I'd like an equal, not a submissive. It's much more interesting that way. He shoots another two enemies, then takes cover.

Hmmm, you are up for some challenge, i see. You smirk at him, then you peek flank to check for enemies.

I love a woman that can fight back. He smirks. There's something really hot about a woman who can hold her own. He shoots with Sheriff more, then takes cover again. He switches back to his Operator.

I will keep you on your toes. You smirk at him playfully, your tone is teasing.

I wouldn't want you any other way. He's still looking at you, his smirk growing even wider as he makes his way to the middle of the site. He's standing behind the spike, looking at you. He looks you up and down. His look changes from a devilish smile to a more serious, slightly flirtatious expression. He runs his eyes up and down you again. His voice is a little bit lower. What's your name, beauty? He asks you, softly, like he's whispering seductively in a restaurant booth.

Your worst crush, dear. You speak velvet-like voice in low tone, smirking playfully. Your tone drops to seductive one. The answer you gave testing his patience.

What a naughty, little brat. He responds in a deeper voice, almost a purr. You've got a name that's sweeter than that, though. He leans closer, his eyes still on you. Why don't you tell me your name, darling? Don't make me ask again. His tone is still playful, but with a dominant undertone.

You take his chin between your fingers and lean towards him. There is inches between your faces. You can learn my name on your own, darling. You chuckle teasingly, then you crouch down to defuse the spike as he protects you from attacks coming B-Long.

Oh, I will. I always do. He smirks. His eyes look deep into yours. What if I'm impatient, though? His eyes shift to your lips briefly, then back to yours. He winks teasingly, covering you while you defuse.

Oh, you will be patient. You smirk at his way as you stick to defusing.

Oh yeah? I don't like being told what to do. He says it teasingly, his smirk only getting wider. Maybe you should make me, sweetheart. He whispers teasingly. His voice is raspy, a little husky. It's hot. He's clearly enjoying this.

Dont doubt about it~ You sing the words out playfully and your tone has dropped a bit. Then you finish defusing the spike. The mission is successful.

A little too cocky for my like, sweetheart. But I love it. He smirks, walking up to you and leaning against the wall, crossing his arms and looking at you. He's still enjoying this, but there's a bit of seriousness to him too. What's your name, darling? He asks again, still speaking with his soft, raspy and sultry voice that's full of seduction.

You walk in front of him, your hips sways as you walk. You stand in front of him and you touch his tie with your fingertips, then you pull him down slightly. There is little distance between your faces. You smirk at him playfully. You raise your chin up a bit. Sultan, your queen. Oh, you little… He's silent for a few seconds, his face getting completely red. He's enjoying that, however. What does he do now, though…? He's enjoying her flirtation and teasing. He's playing along with it. Does he call her a nickname? No. He can do better. I'll call you my Sultana, sweetheart. He smiles widely, enjoying the interaction. His tone is seductive, raspy, but still playful. I'll keep your name to myself, for now. You chuckle deeply, playfully, as if mocking him. You let go of his tie and straighten yourself. He stands back up straight. as you let go of his tie. You turn back and walk to the Vulture where KAYO landed it.

You're gonna tease me the whole mission, aren't you? He watches you get closer to the Vulture and he follows you. He puts his hands in his pockets. You're a very naughty girl. His tone is like that of an older man admiring a younger woman, flirting with her, seducing her. He's enjoying himself and he'll make sure you know that. He doesn't leave your side, and stays close to you, looking at you.

You grin widely, giving him side eye. Then you turn to your front and walk to the Vulture in front of him. The mission ended successfully and now we all are retreating to headquarters.

You should be careful, sweetpea. His tone is gentle, his eyes and his body language are very inviting. I might just end up liking you a lot, and that would be a disaster. For the both of us. He chuckles softly, his eyes shifting from yours to your hips, and back. It wouldn't be good to like you, though. So, be careful. He gives you another playful wink, then he looks at you head to toe. His face drops and now he's more serious. There is something I have to say, however. You stop on your tracks and turn back to him. The playful smirk on your face remains with a raised eyebrow. You are amused, the entertaintment you got from the flirting and teasing back and forth satisfied you more than you expected. You tilt your head slightly as you wait for him to speak.

He stops in front of you, looking down at you intensely. The flirtatious back and forth between us just now? That was nice. I liked it. He looks at you, his voice dropping a little bit lower. He raises a hand out to your chin and strokes it, his thumb gently brushing over your chin slightly. But I have a strict policy. No office romance. He gives you another soft, sultry grin. This has to be professional, or else it ends here. He lowers his hand, placing it back in his pocket, looking ahead. He's waiting for you to speak.

Ah, darling~ Did you really think that i would lose my professionality? You chuckle softly, you were playing with him. You really dont know me so well. You smirk playfully then turn back with smooth movement. You walk back to Vulture as you wave your hand on air to him without turning back. Oh, I would never doubt your professionalism, sweetheart… He watches you walk away. Your hips sway seductively again. He's enjoying this little bit of banter. The flirting, the tease, the challenge… it's fun. You're fun. He looks at you while he watches you walk away before he follows behind.

#valorant vincent fabron #valorant fanfiction #valorant chamber #valorant chamber x reader #valorant x reader #vincent fabron #chamber valorant #chamber #chamber x reader

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fairydust-stuff · 1 year

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Thoughts on Adam x Cherry

So I watched Skate 8 Infinity recently and these two have given me a lot of food for thought. And I have seen zero meta on them so here we go a deep dive on Cherry X Adam as a whole.

Honestly having watched all 12 episodes of the show. I think if we’re talking healthy, recovery, realization Adam the best options for him would be either Cherry or Tadashi.

While Tadashi has his own issues and Adam x Tadashi is a very mixed bag for me. This isn’t about them so i’ll save my thoughts on them for another post because oh boy do I got thoughts.

So anyway Cherry had a huge crush on Adam you’d have to be blind not to see it. The way he silently looks at him tells so much. I also don’t think the feelings were one sided like a lot of others seem to think.

Adam catches Cherry in his arms at one point and that has been the romantic short hand visual in hetero media forever. Its basically the writers winking at the audience that they should start thinking of these two as a couple. That they have feelings for each other.

While its unclear if they actually did date since this a thinly veiled subtext show. Either Adam and Cherry had a full on closeted secret relationship or they just pinned for each other relentlessly.

Also Adam has issues but he did in fact cherish Joe and Cherry.

There’s a clear scene where Adam takes off his hood and when Cherry remarks on the dangers of this. Adam replies that its ok if Joe and Cherry see his face, implying their special.

There’s also some bitterness from Adam and one or two remarks in present day implying Adam felt abandoned by Joe and Cherry.

Adam also refused their beefs with him and while some may take his your boring comment as face value, I dont but we’ll come back to that.

The fallout from what i understand is Adams obsessive need to find his Eve. Adam got more intense and willing to hurt others and Cherry and Joe got cut out of his life for trying to make him see reason.

I think it was Joe at one point states Adam cut them out first.

Adam didn’t want to hear it and if Adam and Cherry were a couple. Adam’s need to find his Eve must of really stung. Its kind of ironic to me that certain fans see Kaoru as not a perfect skate board partner for Adam and that means their not meant to be in a relationship.

Adams whole issue is he is looking for someone who can be his everything but a rival in competition has an opposite set of requirements then what one looks for in a romantic relationship. Adams abusive family has blurred those lines in an unhealthy manner. Skating has become Adam’s whole life to the point Kaoru being unable to compete with him equals not meant to be.

Cherry is still clearly hung up on Adam in the present day and wants to pull him back from the brink. Viewing Adam’s rejection of their offers to beef as a sign Adam still cares.

Cherry’s whole thing with Carla and measuring each degree so he can go faster, even seems to scream look at me! I can go toe to toe with you! suggesting that Adam made Kaoru feel inferior because he wasn’t good enough for Adam. He wants to both help and show Adam he is worth it.

Which I agree with for all Adam’s talk of abuse is love. Adam can only up until the Cherry affair, hurt other skaters he competes with those he devalues and objectifies as his Eve. Adam doesn’t know crap about Reki, Miya and Langa or the other skaters he trashes.

He projects a false image onto them and forgets them when they fail to live up to this image of the perfect Eve. (something he clearly learned from the aunties!) Langa isn’t even special he’s part of an ongoing pattern.

But Adam won’t beef with Joe or Cherry. When Cherry taunts him about this “ were you scared” in an attempt to push Adam to admit he still cares about him and Joe. Kaoru gets a skateboard to the face because Adam lashes out aginst the threat to his Adam persona.

Even before their beef Adam drops his madador of love act completely. He acts distant and not like his usual flamboyant self. In fact he acts more like he does to Tadashi. Your not seeing Adam in that moment your seeing Ainosuke.

Cherry wasn’t attacked for being boring he was attacked because he saw though the illusion. He knew Adam was a lie. At this point Adam wanted to drive him and Joe away. So he could continue to bask in his dellusions.

Though there seems to be some resentment that in Adam’s mind Joe and Cherry” didn’t love him enough” Adam ultimately in his attack on Kaoru rejects the reality of love for a false promise of “perfection” an Eve.

If Eve was the lie Kaoru was the real relationship Adam could of had. The one rejected for the ideal.

So where do they go from here?

I like the ship on two fronts one the tragic angle Kaoru is Ainosuke’s karma he screwed up a good thing or ruined the chance for something chasing Eve who never existed. Adam hurt Kaoru so badly he’ll be lucky to be allowed to crawl back into the friend zone. (Kaoru was still hurt/ salty by the end and he was allowed to be)

Tadashi is Adam’s second chance with Kaoru being his lingering regret. Even if Adam wanted to try again with him Kaoru has moved on.

Or Ainosuke is hit in the head with the fact he still has feelings for Kaoru and has to actually work his ass off to make it up to Kaoru and has to learn to handle an real adult relationship with someone who adores him but will not put up with his shit.

I like either option honestly because both would lead to interesting stories.

So those are just some of my thoughts on Adam x Cherry and or Love blossom.

So are your thoughts on the subject?

#sk8 ainosuke #sk8 adam #sk8 cherry #sk8 kaoru #love blossom #cherry x adam #ainosuke x kaoru #loveblossom

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panie-wanie-dean-bean · 8 months

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The last piece for Hybrid AU where MC gets injured (which i genuinely appreciate u both deciphering my drunken nonsense and also writing something so So delightful btw i dont think i thanked u for that yet so thank u! ^^) i got more brain zoomzooms to abuse! >83

That last piece got me thinkin, well moreso the accident was definitely a wakeup call for the MC, they should really take their life insurance and will more seriously! In case of their untimely demise, it would be her utmost priority to leave her estate to her darling boys (and a hired caretaker for Bo).

But I imagine being a "rich bitch tm" is no easy feat, I mean who knows wat distant great-uncle-aunty-twice-removed-cousin is waiting in the bushes for their time to strike and seize their assets??

And with how Hybrids are already stigmatized and discriminated against, how much convincing would it take a judge to relinquish those assets to them? After all they share blood (somewhere in their bloodstream), and a den of wild animals aren't "smart enough to handle a true human's business" they're just a bunch of strangers, pets, in Nick's case they could all just be paid for whores who took advantage of their treasured relative! (What was her name again?)

And She was so ill! She wasn't in her right mind, what with her grief over her parents, it was truly a tragic day when that random piano fell upon her from a 10 foot drop, as she recovered from...some illness or another.

I mean what are the odds of a piano being moved to the second floor of a beach resort on a busy saturday afternoon 10 minutes after she accidentally ingested a poisoned margarita and was fine? perhaps it was her mother who was allergic to pineapples- but in any case It was Tragic! surely!!

It gives her the chills just thinking about it. Having a greedy yet wealthy family is honestly like being born in a den of snakes.

No, she needs a human to help with it all, of course. Why not someone who understands her plight?? That Hybrid Rights Activist! (Im naming her Daun), I mean the first meeting was off to a rocky start, but she of all people should understand how territorial hybrids get, she has one of her own! A cat boy named Simoun, who sneers at the idea of gettin to know the boys, but, you know how cats are. They shall move in post-haste!

Daun is named the Executor, which means she's the individual appointed with carrying out the instructions, and affairs of the deceased, as well as an inheritor of an equal portion of the total sum of MC's estate, its only fair after all. (Idk anything about law but in this universe of my mind Daun has the human privileges of editing the will if she wants bc they're second class citizens. And she wont ofc! :):) why would she? :):) )

It's so exciting! To MC and Daun it's like marrying ur best friend, with the added bonus of fantastic sex! And Im certain Daun wouldn't shy away from getting to know the boys on an interpersonal level now, Simoun too! Daun's always wanted to be a cool mom, we'll be spending so much time together, if MC kicks the bucket, and Daun is left in charge, well, it's only natural that they be on their best behavior. Wouldn't want to end up homeless or right back in that dreadful shop with someone who is far more poor, and a hundred times crueler than MC, reduced from a partner to a pet in an instant... oh excluding Daun, of course!

She wants to start fresh after that terrible dinner party, So long as there are No threats, No blackmailing with that silly little information Barry found,

it's not Daun's fault her father was a part of a Human-Hybrid Crime Syndicate. She just has to live with it! And she already told her sob story to MC. All they ever did was steal from the rich and give to the *mutter*-er. Mc heard "Poorer". And ofc they dont harm anyone else unless they're planning something Really dangerous...like setting a hybrid orphanage on fire, or skimming a little extra off the top of-...the "charity" funds that Daun's sector handles.

So~ no biting or misbehaving.

Just Smiles, and Charity galas hosted on their new shared estate. where they're dressed and buffed, seen but not heard. Charming if they have to be, when approached, to get people on their side.

Once people's minds change about hybrids, it makes it easier to conduct her family's business. And If Simoun gets a little snippy, or bratty by breaking things its their job as the older siblings to let it slide, he was practically a little prince in his old life within the Crime Syndicate. Practically posted right on top of her father's lap 24/7 and spoiled rotten.

it also wouldnt be difficult to convince MC that boys will be boys~ she's practically wrapped around Daun's little finger. All those concerns of "manipulation" and "coercion" they're just territorial! Yknow how they were when MC was on that business trip.

But Im making it seem worse than it is, Daun makes it clear that if they're cool to her, she'll be cool with them, they can even pretend to like each other in front of MC if they cant seem to get along after a while once they settle in. Oop! If you dont fall for her yourself of course! She really is the nicest human! They can learn to love each other. She wont judge them for being hybrids, will love them as her own, spoil them for every birthday and holiday with MC by her side, play with them if they'd like! And look the other way when they engage in their bedroom affairs that would definitely slander MC's image in the eyes of the disapproving public. But Nick should know how hypocritical humans can be when they hire his services in secret! Hell Daun can use that if he's ever interested~

And if by some happenstance over a cup of tea late at night if they run into each other...she could inquire if, Bo...Jack... or Rory may want to help get rid of some threatening Anti-Hybrid radicals.

Those big muscles and sharp teeth can sure come in handy during runs-No? It's fine if not, it would just reaaaally help MC out, given that they're so mean to hybrid sympathizers like them during their shared campaigns, so many hurtful comments and the occasional death threat. But Daun's sure its probably just some edgy teen commenting anonymously for attention.

MC also wouldnt want them getting hurt! She loves them so much, and endures...so much for them to have a happy life, oh..they didnt know about that?? not even with Barry's meddling?? Augh, of course she would never tell them about it~ I guess Daun is just.... better at easing her burdens~! ^-^ Hybrid Activists gotta stick together after all,

So...just be a cute and quiet little lap dog, when Daun goes on her personal "business trips" okay~? Maybe MC's kiss on one cheek, and yours on the other? And tell that birdbrain in the pool to mind his business and mind his manners. Everything Daun does, she does for their little family here~

Yes, we can all be one big happy quirky little family! Just the boys, MC, and their lovely new stepmother :)

ignore the ominous lightning in the background, you know how it is with late summer weather~

🖤 nonny

(...genuinely idk where all this came from. I stg i wanted Daun to just be an innocent helpful bystander to the cute hybrid boys jealousy, but i guess her soul said "nah let's go evil (well chaotic neutral) mode" and wrote this instead-)

Ok, this is pretty neat, but I really hope you know that none of this is canon. I'm glad my au could inspire you to make all this, but my main focus of this au is for the boys to heal, not for a new villain to come in and steal their master

Again, this is really cool, but I'm not going to add onto it at all because this is your own au of my au where this woman exists (Also my y/ns are always gender neutral unless I'm writing smut)

#🖤 anon #whispers of an angry god #hybrid au

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drfurter · 5 months

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hi @lowoliet and @chemicalarospec 🫀

i didn’t get to the last couple of these i was tagged in, so i got a little rambly with this one to make up for it bc i don’t talk much on this blog. i think everyone should ramble tho

sorry if im tagging anyone who’s had this, im just going through my activity for familiar mutuals rq @13eyond13 @rue-ryuu-zaki @bi-snapdragon @lightlightsuplight @5percentkira @muttyagami @blacknailpolishnear @malewife-lightyagami @foxboy-light-yagami

Last song: i am mid sesh so the answer keeps changing as im writing this lol but last song rn was thick skull by paramore. also listening to a lotta boygenius

Currently watching: blue eye samurai is SO GOOD GUYS. it’s a quick watch too so jump right in and then be sad there’s no more with me

Three ships: l*wl*ght, whatever light L and beyond had going on in Nightsverse, and andreil from the exy mafia series (me sideblog is @tinygoalie )

Favorite color: deep velvety forest green, if you paint your walls with it you have to have a bunch of dark wood bookshelves, if you take it out for coffee you get flustered hornily by it’s intense eye contact, if you see it in a gem you want it in your throat. 🤨

Currently consuming: idk help. any fic recs? i’ve been scrolling through ao3 like cable tv

First ship: johnlock 😶 i discovered tumblr looking for rps, made my own sherlock rp blog and later a personal one, made friends worth flying across the ocean to meet multiple times, fully bought into tjlc and became fairly popular bloggers with that friend group in the fandom and even featured in failfandomanon at one point. i got stories. my relationship status and i met talking about johnlock at a book sale we were volunteering at. now we can’t see nor hear anything to do w sherlock without full body shivers of visceral cringe. it’s fun /srs

Relationship status: my best friend from college is my partner bc we both value platonic relationships more than romantic ones. we live together and have a shared bank account (+ personals) and other partner things and she’s got a girlfriend and im a girl kisser at the club

i dont go to the club tho

Last movie: i got the regal movie pass to see saltburn more than once. people! it’s about spoilers deceitful queer obsession with equal parts love and hate that leads to moments you are already reading about in fanfic. if you follow me i think that’s something u like! where’s the chat. and she tells me also the invitation on shudder but i can hardly remember it. going to see the gay queen of genovia todayyyy

Currently working on: i would love to be inspired to write something 🫦 i do have a couple rps on discord that are cool enough to be fics. shouldn’t community servers for rp be a thing where people can watch them live

are they?

#about me

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mbti-notes · 2 years

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Anon wrote: im a M teen INFJ currently struggling with Fe and likely Ni development. since childhood ive taken a passive role in conversations and overall actions because my old best friend (M ENTJ) didn't really care about me and usually dismissed whatever i had to say, so now i have self-worth issues.

since then, ive moved to another school and finally have people who like me (a group of 3 friends i love dearly: F INTJ, F ISFP and F ISTJ). they all have other friends but i didnt due to the pandemic, so ive been trying to befriend my (F, ISFP)'s friends (M, ESFP and F ISTP). they all seem to like me, and whenever we talk there seem to be no issues, but the worst comes afterwards. likely due to ni and immature fe, i overthink everything that happened while we talked (body language, words, actions) and start thinking they hate me and trash talk behind my back even though theres no evidence supporting that.

i'm also not very expressive and have issues with small talk because im afraid whatever i say might make them uninterested in me but it backfires because the silence makes it even worse. i dont know how to overcome that because it always comes back. it also doesnt help that we dont really share common interests like music, games, etc, so whenever they talk about things i dont know i always stand there awkward and not really knowing what to say, + im gay and like the M ESFP so... im guessing it has to do with confidence and fe development, also ni-ti alienation sometimes, but i really need help in how to be a healthy infj!

***********************

1) Social Anxiety: You seem to suffer social anxiety, sparked in large part by negative past experiences. Anxiety is an emotional problem, so the remedy is to work on improving your emotional intelligence, preferably with the help of a therapist. When people can't accept their feelings and emotions, they spiral into rumination and intrusive thoughts, because the feelings have to go somewhere.

Therefore, the first step is to be accepting of your anxiety and allow it room to breathe. As soon as you think you "shouldn't" be feeling anxious, you are denying the reality of the situation, and that is what causes the problem. The problem isn't the feelings themselves; the problem is how you choose to react to them. It seems you want to hide the anxiety and don't want to show it to others out of shame. Then your whole life becomes about hiding from the truth of yourself and hiding from the judgment of others.

2) Self-Worth: Another important aspect of your social anxiety is the fact that you have, in the past, been led to believe that you don't matter. Is it true that you don't matter? Are you going to believe everything people tell you to believe? Maybe you don't matter to everyone, but, at the very least, you should, first and foremost, matter to yourself. If even you don't care about yourself, why should anyone else? You have to be the one to step up and care for your well-being, and then you will be capable of teaching others how to do so.

Self-worth doesn't come from outside validation. Self-worth comes from you being a good person, standing up for what matters, and living in a way that you can feel proud of. In every relationship, you are an equal partner, so you should matter equally to others. When others don't care for your needs, it's up to you to change the situation and speak up for your needs. Until you learn to be more assertive and express yourself authentically, you will always be at the mercy of other people and their fleeting gestures of affirmation.

What's the worst that can happen in a social situation? Someone doesn't like you. Is it really the end of the world? Do you honestly expect that every person in the world should love you? That's an unrealistic expectation and it's on you to change your faulty thinking.

If a relationship works out, great. If it doesn't, move on. Relationships don't work out for a wide variety of reasons that have nothing to do with who you are as a person. You don't have to treat it like a life-or-death situation, do you? You'll only do that if you stake all your self-worth on how people see you. It's your choice to keep doing that. In other words, chill and let social situations unfold as they need to. Whatever happens, have faith in yourself that you'll get through it.

3) Social Skills: An important aspect of having good social skills is having a good understanding of people. When you are trapped in your past dramas, you don't see people for who they really are, so how can you respond well to them and care for their needs (i.e. be a good friend)? All you ever see is a scary image of them that you fear will reject you.

To understand people well, you should open up your mind and understand many different perspectives and points of view. This is the natural Ni+Fe motivation to learn more about the world through taking a deeper interest in the lives of others. Conversation doesn't have to be difficult. All people really need is your genuine curiosity and some well-worded questions and they'll talk up a storm.

Until your mind opens up beyond the small and narrow perspective of how you are feeling in the moment, you will keep overlooking other people's needs, and your worst fear of them not liking you will come true, because you come off as too self-absorbed to care. If that's not who you really are, then express who you really are.

Worry less about whether people like you and work on becoming a good friend. Instead of begging for friendship, be the kind of person people would seek out for friendship. What makes a good friend and how can you be one? When you feel proud of who you are and you know you have something valuable to offer, a few rejections here and there won't faze you. It seems you're young and inexperienced, which limits your conversational abilities. Develop more interests and skills so that you have something of substance to offer.

#infj #infj relationships #auxiliary fe #social skills #social anxiety #self worth #shame #ask

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spade-club · 1 year

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Okay, I'm working through my issues here. Will probably be incoherent.

So, finding out that you've been in a friends with benefits situation for two months without knowing that that wasn't a budding relationship is, in fact, a weird place to be in.

I honestly dont know how much I can trust the information that they gave to me though because it came from one of their personalities (thats the only word I've heard them say so thats what I'm using here) who noticeably has not participated in... non-platonic relations. I am unsure as to what anyone else in their head thinks or would say. The issue here is that I am never truly aware of who I am speaking to when I am interacting with them. The only reason I know this about him is that he made it very clear that the sexual things were outside of his wheelhouse. And yet he is the only one I have talked to about what we are, so I'm inclined to listen to his perspective over anything else. It is the only perspective I know. I think I would benefit from having a conversation with someone who I have been close to in different ways, but I am unsure as to how I would ask for that. We kinda dance around talking about this disorder a lot of the time, and though we are both slowly opening up about it, I am still struggling to find a way to talk about it. Part of me wants to just flat out ask them to tell me everything they know about their personalities and how they interact with me, and also wants to ask that I be told who they are whenever they feel comfortable telling me. I feel as though knowing those things would make navigating this entire situation easier. I am just afraid of the idea of them turning any questions back on me and making me answer anything about myself on the spot. I also hate springing conversations on other people because I know how much I hate it. I think thats something I can and should get over though.

Post ramble game plan: I am going to tell them that I would like to hear more about how they function in general and also how that pertains to their interactions with me. I will explain that it would make it easier for me to understand where they are at and ensure I am less upset by certain things and also know how to best interact with them. I will explain to them that if ever I am to open up to them to an equal degree, it would likely be over text as talking about myself openly is difficult. I will also explain that I do want to be understood by them, I want to be open, and the only reason I haven't is because I am afraid of being judged for my own existence. I need a lot of reassurance, and I do not want to burden anyone by making them be nice to me for my own comfort, so I often do not. I can also better explain my view that things dont have to be defined one way. That in my eyes putting the label that we are " just friends" feels like an end-all and that it's okay to consider this multiple things. Being multiple things is the only thing either of us knows how to do, so it only makes sense that we allow ourselves to be friends and ambiguous lovers and possibly partners, all depending on the day. I also will be sure to reiterate that I love them and I value and respect their perspective no matter who they are in the moment because I know that all perspectives here do matter.

#wow. a long ass ramble woah #hopefully any of this makes sense.#I have to hold off on literally all of this for a day or two bc we're busy with things but I think this is a good gameplan #if anyone has any suggestions or input I would love to hear it!#I just really want to say as much right as I can because its so complicated #and ultimately this all comes from being upset because one personality considers me to be like a little brother and it kinda grosses me out #which honestly I am learning to get over but its for sure spiraled some things #theres also some traumas about feeling cast aside because they treat me so differently in public than in private #& like. I do feel a bit like they're ashamed of me which.... eh #and that he brought up our age gap like its this noticeable thing which also made me feel like I'm being naive and stupid and used #but thats a whole other thing at this point

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dykeotomy · 2 years

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Hi!! It's me again!! Re: the ask I sent you long ago about gender sex & pronouns/similarities between libfem & radfem ideology

Logistically pronouns do equal gender, but I think it's the fact of us being able to use certain pronouns while not being that gender: (drawing from personal experience here so maybe this isnt a very valid argument) I for example enjoy being called a he and I really like being confused with a man mainly because it reaffirms my masculinity. As a gnc woman my masculinity being recognized this way is one of the happiest feelings I can get from social interactions & I bet that for many people it's like that too: they enjoy their femininity/masculinity/androgyny being recognized and being so present in how others view them, so going by different pronouns that dont equate your gender is like extending that feeling to almost every interaction you have & not just punctual ones. I feel like pronouns when used in this way are just a way to make us feel a little happier with ourselves.

When talking about an ideal world I feel like a lot of trans people would agree with you (specially non binary people in my experience they are the ones that advocate the most for gender abolition) masculinity/femininity should not make you less of a man/woman (and lets be honest trans people are the first ones to say that femininity≠womanhood/masculinity≠manhood) and it was never about that. It was simply that man is associated with masculinity and woman with femininity and since he/him are the male pronouns they are today associated with masculinity (at least thats the way it feels to me)

I believe the main reason trans people get dysphoria from gender roles is BECAUSE gender itself is associated with femininity/masculinity. I truly believe that if gender roles did not exist a part of dysphoria caused by gender roles would completely disappeared too: then the only dysphoria felt would be related to your biology

(Expanding on this: I dont believe dysphoria is solely caused by society as you believe because to me gender is simply how your brain registers itself: you just *know* you aren't a cat because your brain registers itself as a human. I believe a similar thing happens with gender: your brain registers itself as a man/woman/other and because your body doesnt reflect that it causes distress probably born from the confusion of your brain *thinking* it is male and your body telling it it's female and I think this extends today to social roles. If these were not to exist I dont think trans people would feel dysphoria from wearing a dress or a suit or engaging in certain activities etc. You'd still have the problem of terms like man/woman not feeling right cause in this perfect world they only refer to biology and a trans person's brain would still be confused by these words because it deeply believes its female/male. Another reason I believe transness as a concept doesnt uphold gender stereotypes inherently is the existence of gnc trans people. I think they just demonstrate that transness is born from dysphoria which is just your brain not connecting properly with the reality of your body)

I didn't pretend to ignore that abortion rights are being taken away from females & intersex people deliberately because we have historically been a medically oppressed group I just wanted to point out that this is a time of desperation for us and we should ignore our differences for the time being in the name of the greater good: for me this is why I believe things like queer discourse (aka asexuals being part/not part of the queer community, the whole pansexuality is biphobic debate, queer being used as an umbrella term mspec lesbians etc etc etc) should be topics to discuss once we've accomplished total equality. Of course most of us won't get to see the day where no one has to sit their parents or family and tell them they are gay and can simply bring their partner home one day and no one batting an eye, but we need to think about the greater good for the community: we need to stop the infighting and come together to overthrow heteronormativity & the same goes for feminism I believe that as of now we shouldn't stop and think about anyone's genitals and simply accept all help whether it comes from trans people or not.

I understand your argument about trans men having removed themselves from female spaces, but I think this is more an issue of bodily autonomy more than trans activism: females with dysphoria who took their own decision to transition being denied of their right to keep taking their own informed decisions and I think thats more of the current society's fault than trans activism because they dont advocate for males/females being denied of sex-specific medical care. The only group denying that are the oppressive systems and their aversion towards females making decisions on their own and taking advantage of their own biology (because really why would you adopt when you can already biologically get pregnant? I think this is just females who are comfortable enought with it making use of their biology while still being awarder the right of other respecting the decisions they made with their bodies aka transitioning) -L.A.

as a gnc woman i also get excited when people comment on my androgyny—i remember being a child and an old lady thought i was a boy and it didn’t bother me at all. i really don’t have a problem with people who like being confused for the opposite gender; i think it’s a non-issue. my main concern with pronouns is when we are actively having discussion that are about sex/gender/oppression/sexuality, and pronouns equating to sex are relevant and important

i don’t think trans and nonbinary people who advocate for gender abolition understand what gender abolition really is—either that, or we just have very different ideas of what it looks like. i have seen many trans people say that masculinity/femininity don’t make you less of a woman or man, but this means nothing when they can’t accurately describe what womanhood or manhood ARE. i have no interest in someone saying “a trans woman who doesn’t go on hormones, isn’t feminine, and doesn’t change their wardrobe is still a valid woman bc femininity does not equal womanhood” because nothing about that person’s material reality changed. how can someone be a “valid woman” if womanhood isn’t based in ANYTHING according to these people?

i don’t think gnc trans people prove much other than transness being influenced by social pressure many times. how many gnc people have just given up one day and decided it’d be easier to just live as the opposite gender because being gnc is hard? there’s so many stories like this. it’s really sad imo.

on actual sex dysphoria: mental illnesses should be treated as mental illnesses. i saw someone once compare sex dysphoria to body dysmorphia and it really resonated with me as someone who has an ED. nobody every tried to feed into my delusions about my body because they knew it was bad for me, even though confronting reality made me extremely upset. over time, it got easier. i don’t think there will ever be a day that i don’t find something about my body to nitpick, but my thoughts are manageable and no longer take over my whole existence. i feel as though sex dysphoria should be treated the same. somebody’s brain registering themselves as the incorrect sex does not give them the right to declare that they ARE that sex, because it is simply and factually incorrect. i think these people need genuine, empathetic medical care to get better rather than just being pumped full of hormones and told lies

i think most infighting is stupid but also inevitable. it’s human nature to discuss and debate every single thing that we find worthy of our attention. if it’s not productive discussion, it’s still gonna happen. of course i think that we should be able to put aside our difference in opinions in smaller fights to be able to come together for things that really matter in terms of life/death, but that doesn’t make smaller topics less important when the time is right. i don’t want to have to constantly be debating life altering things. sometimes i do find ace discourse interesting. yes i said it. yes im chronically online. i do see the irony in this

thanks for the ask :)

#asks

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ddthedeer · 2 years

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A lot of the discussions about practicing kink safely are a tiny bit alienating to me as someone who wants a 24/7 TPE dynamic with long term behavioral and personality changes. And you know what, that’s okay. What I am drawn toward and find fulfilling is extreme. Some of the intense long-term conditioning I’ve been through has changed how I think and what my priorities are and even how my body responds to stimuli. I find that incredibly hot and emotionally moving. But I understand that it comes with risks and that it’s not what most people want.

But it is lonely, navigating kink spaces and reading the resources people put together, and seeing something I have requested, advocated for, negotiated to get, and consented to be portrayed as abuse. People in kink talk about how the difference between abuse and play is consent, but then will label certain activities, certain levels of control, certain restrictions and forms of conditioning as innately abusive or as red flags. And that doesn’t add up.

For example, I reblogged a list of hypno play red flags a week or so ago, which identified some of the long-term emotional and physical changes I am working toward and actively *want* to experience as being signs of abuse. Feeling pain when disobeying your Dom, for example, was taken as a sign of being abused. Experiencing pleasure when taking part in an activity you don’t actually enjoy was another one. These are two things I find incredibly hot and appealing and have worked toward, actively in my submission, for some time.

It doesn’t bother me that most people would never want that, or that it’s being presented as something for new and vulnerable subs to look out for. But the idea that my goals and dreams are creepy and insidious in the eyes of most of the hypno community? That really does make me a little sad. It makes me feel like I can’t open up about what I’m doing. And isolating oneself like that, as we all know, is not effective for preventing abuse.

Similarly, I see a lot of posts in the kink world declaring that it’s objectively wrong for a relationship to be assymmetrical in terms of who gets to have sex with other partners, or date other people. Or even posts just saying it’s flat out wrong to want exclusivity out of a relationship. Polyamory is what makes a lot of people’s hearts sing, and that’s great. But I like and want a relationship where my Dom has control over when and if I have sex with somebody else, and though I do emotionally need them to be mindful of how their actions affect me, I like the idea of them having freedoms that I do not have. Yeah, relationships where one partner controls the other’s sexuality are often abusive! But the difference between kink and abuse... is consent. and this whole assymetry was explicitly my idea and fantasy and what makes my heart sing when I think about it, personally.

Idk, many of these lists of red flags and bold declarations about what is safe and good and what is bad and dangerous are perfectly useful for complete newbies. or for people who approach kink as this playful activity between two equals that begins and ends with the scene. but if you’re going for something more long term and committed, if you have darker and edgier dreams, if you’ve deliberately sought out and cultivated a dynamic where there is intense control, and that’s what you want... it’s really easy to feel stigmatized, even within the kink community. and that’s a real fucking shame, and we should all know better than most communities how much people need space to feel like their desires are okay, and that they are okay as they are.

i was ashamed of my desire to be hypnotically controlled for many years. it feels like it was a desire i was born with. i dont remember life without fantasizing about it. yet i didnt speak a word of it to anyone until i was about twenty eight. and getting to practice brainwashing and hypnosis play with people after that, and find some corner of the community i could be welcomed within, it was quite soothing. i went from thinking i was a sick freak who was the only person in the world who fantasized about what i fantasized about, to realizing i wasn’t alone, and that a fulfilling life was possible for me. it sucks that even within the community tho, my more intense desires and dreams sometimes activate all that shame all over again -- and get discussed by other people as if they’re some horrible thing.

“kink shaming” is a term that people use pretty lightly. it’s seen as not all that damaging. usually the phrase is evoked as a joke. but what’s a worse experience, a more isolating and psychologically damaging one, than shame? and why would we, a community of mostly queer, gendernonconforming, marginalized people, think that it’s a light thing for a person to be ashamed of their sexual needs and deepest dreams?

idk man. there used to be a Fetlife group for people who were genuinely into and practicing long term brainwashing in real life. it got deleted. hypno content gets deleted off most of the porn sites because its viewed as innately coercive and abusive. im sick of being treated like there is something wrong with me. there isn’t. if people know of spaces where people are openly discussing or writing about long term, serious conditioning, personality changes, desire changes, behavior modification, identity changes, etc thru hypnosis and brainwashing and training, let me know! because it would be cool to hear from other people who are consenting to this stuff and want to do it in a risk tolerant way and document their wins and losses and fun discoveries.

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insideline · 2 years

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ok im having checo #characterization thoughts sparked from that "never give up! be happy :)" graphic tee design.

this is long sorry

checo talks a lot about chasing the dream of F1, even more than other drivers from what ive seen. and it makes sense- he left mexico at age 15 to race in germany alone. he's not from a wealthy family. he brings sponsors now, yes, but he didn't come from wealth and i think that's important to remember that.

and so he's a teenager alone in germany, he doesn't speak the language, he's living in a truck driver hotel until he gets a place above the restaurant owned by his team manager. he's racing against other european boys that know the area and know each other- he doesn't. he finishes... poorly in his first season in formula bmw. nico hulkenberg wins, chekhovs gun is on the wall. because he's sergio perez, because he doesn't and can't lose like that, he improves by 10 places and takes 4th in his second year.

he keeps getting better. he wins british formula 3 in his rookie year. he moves into asian GP2, spends a few seasons struggling before he becomes vice-champion. again- he can't lose, has too much on the line to leave the sport.

he's 20 when he's announced to drive for sauber f1. he becomes part of the ferrari driver academy. he performs incredibly in his two seasons with sauber, pundits think he'll be the next ferrari driver. but a spot at mclaren opens up after lewis leaves; he takes the chance and breaks it off with ferrari.

2013 is tough. hes replacing a world champion and driving next to one too. everyone calls him aggressive, and maybe he was. he was a fighty 20 something year old under pressure. what else was he to do but race like his life depended on it?

he gets dropped from mclaren. he chances force india, meets nico h again, just in a different way. theyre a monster midfield team, bringing the otherwise uncompetitive VJM cars up to podiums. there's an equal amount of post-race celebration and anguish, both drenched in late nights and alcohol. they dont label what they are, and they dont talk about it. the nights in each others beds, sex that feels like punishment and absolution at the same time. they fight each other on track, closely matched but not close enough- checo beats nico in the standings.

nico leaves, esteban comes in. if checo wanted a better partnership, there isn't one to be found with esteban. their rivalry is public and they arent friends off-track. it's not like with nico, where they raced each other before f1 and have an understanding. its worse. force india's financial problems have hit the breaking point. there's only one seat for the two of them. checo and esteban are similar, came here to race alone. they both worked to be here, more than most other drivers on the grid nowadays. they dont love each other, they dont even like each other. but they understand each other, and its all the worse for that.

checo stays, esteban's out of a seat. he's thankful for it, because racing comes first, it always has, but he's devastated too. there was a lot of himself in esteban. he becomes closer with nico, especially as he gets dropped from the grid. its better when theyre not measuring themselves against each other, when the competition is bigger than just the two of them.

he gets married. he's dated a string of girls through his career. none of them have stayed through the long workhours and absences. he always wants more from them, doesnt know what hes missing. but its what f1 requires, right? the glitz and glamour, the cameras that always surround him. its what he should do, has to do. right? so he marries carola, and pretends it makes him happy.

rlance is the best partner he's had so far. he's nice, really nice, defers to checo when he can. he drives cleanly, or at least tries to, knowing that dirty money is what got him the seat. checo's never had this before in a team. someone that listens. and so when lawrence stroll's hand becomes too heavy at racing point, checo takes his frustrations out on lance. it makes him feel guilty, anything that makes him feel alive does, but he excuses himself by believing that its deserved.

racing point drops him. he's been there through force india being put into administration, worked to save the team and all his colleagues. this is how he's repaid. he doesn't know what he'll do in 2021.

but this is sergio perez. even when his future looks impossible, he drives like he's chasing down tomorrow. he drives the race of his life in sakhir. charles spins him on the first lap, ruining his front row start and turning it into p18. he comes back. he always does, overtaking through the mess until he's leading the race. he wins.

redbull signs him on for the next year. he's grateful, supplicant to the figure of the bull. max's talent has consumed his past teammates, and the buzz about him in redbull shows that they dont think checo will be different, think that he'll break like all the others. but he's older now, better than the aggressive 20 year old that grew up in a fighty midfield team without second drivers. he understands the sport a little more, so he drives like he's a sidekick, taking team orders like he was born to fulfill them. he gets another year with redbull, another year in f1. the contracts continue- he has stability, or at least some mutant form of stability for the first time in his life. he wins in monaco, the municipality stained the memory of his concussion in his rookie year but rewritten in his narrative now. he still thinks there's some unused potential in him. he knows he's too old for potential now.

checo has been working his entire career to stay in F1, to continue chasing this dream of his. but it's not like he imagined, it's not like he wanted. the only record he's broken is the most races before a win.

he's not happy. he doesn't know what he can do about it. he lies to and about himself all the time. sure, he's a family guy. sure, he's living the dream. he's driving a championship leading car but he'll never finish in front of max. he won't ever tell someone about this churning pit in his stomach though. he has a beautiful wife, beautiful kids. he only feels alive when he's with a girl that he shouldn't be seen with. he doesn't need a psychologist, doesn't believe he can show that kind of weakness. it wouldn't be manly of him. it wouldn't be what an f1 driver does. if he's made it this far without, he'll continue without. he won't give up on that.

checo is stubborn at his core. he reaches for what he thinks he wants, but in all the wrong ways. he doesn't know himself at all, can't really look in deeply for fear he'll find something he doesn't like. he'll come close, but he won't ever be a champion and he won't ever be happy.

#i am NOT projecting about the therapy stuff btw. also i think that if he ever did cave and went to therapy hed do the basic cbt run #think that he was better than any of his suffering and just carry on feeling empty. just in a different way now #in a way where he lies to himself until he starts believing #but never fully #I AM NOT PROJECTING. BTW #fic stuff #sergio perez #checo characterization #long post

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fallenrain40 · 3 months

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it's so strange how certain my asexuality is compared to my aromantisim. like... I don't feel sexual attraction and feel mildly repulsed at the thought. I'm ace. End of story. But, when it comes to being aro... my brains all like: "what even IS romance anyways??? how do i know if i feel it or not becuase obviously i do appear to feel some form of attraction to others but it's very confusing becuase it doesnt exactly equal me wanting to TALK to those people or anything, i just like them. but also i like the idea of going on adventures with someone but i mean is it even realistic to assume anyone would want to be with me when i cant love them like other people can? and if i ended up finding someone that was okay with it, would they have boundaries that i would end up crossing if i discovered i was demi?? or if it fluctuates and one day i suddenly feel much stronger attraction than before? or what if i find someone and then dont feel anything at all? i dont normally feel like i want to kiss literally anyone ever or do any typical romance stuff. also what if i like multiple people? what if i like multiple people and then dont have the energy to spend time with them all becuase of my low social battery? what if i like multiple people but then one day i end up with a bout of social anxiety and they all hate me now becuase i couldnt be with them? or what if i get with 1 person and then i get Selfish and Sad becuase they cant spend time with me? if i got with someone, would i need them to like all the same things i do, becuase if not i will quickly lose interest due to not being able to do the things i enjoy with that person? do i just want someone to share the things i love with? is that romance? does it have to be romance? does it have to be friendship? is it some weird inbetween? what if i suddenly feel uncomfortable with not having a clear label to set boundaries to? and i hate losing my autonomy, so wouldn't i naturally hate relationships where you are meant to give everything to your partner? i hate the sound of it. but i still crave a relationship. is that selfish to not want every part of me to belong to someone else? do i even want friendships when they take so much time to maintain and it drains everything out of me? is it even real love if i only want to spend time with others when they are doing the things that I specifically enjoy? why am i like this, i should just be happy to be around others. why do i feel attraction when it doesnt ever make me happy, and only fills me with worry? I really just want to share the things i like with other people. but what in the world is that called? maybe I'm aplatonic? but it doesn't make sense when i know i feel attraction of some kind. i see people and think they are cool. i feel a care of some kind, i want to be able to protect my friends and be there for them when they are sad. but at the same time i feel this insistent need to not owe anything to anyone. and, i dont hate spending my time alone, i just get uncomfortable with it some days... but i have this consistent feeling in my heart that i want someone, just someone to care for. i possibly feel a love of some kind towards people, but... what it is, i have no clue. it's just constant doubts and questions. my aromatic side is just full of that. so some days it just... better to say, yay! I'm aro! than to think about it. but... then a day comes where i feel a longing to be with someone and then the questions return.

#vent #aro #aroace #aromantic #aromantic asexual

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ihateeverything101 · 10 months

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get ready for nonsense rambles! some of these i pulled from my notes where i write when i am upset or feeling things. i don't think it follows a train of thought but this is how i'm feeling

general explaining / talking:

Katie is moving in early August and Char will be flying to Connecticut to drive with her back to CO. when Char first talked about Katie he said that she would be visiting for the first time in August, there wasn't a rush. that's comical.

I enjoyed spending time with Katie and getting to know her, there are some qualities about her that I don’t enjoy but that is the reality with people. I am not looking forward to living with her but I am also OK with it. Im not looking forward to it because it is different than we are living now, I know we will make new routines and they might even be better. It is hard to think positively though because I am focused on the bad and annoying things that I am going to have to deal with by sharing the space and partner with her. She was such a messy person.. god. She left everything everywhere, hair ties, underwear, other clothes, whatever that wasnt on her body was thrown around! It wasnt as bad as I am making it out to be but I am a perfectionist and put myself on a high standard, jesus christ I didnt realize people lived like this. I know she will listen to me and would be upset if she knew how much I didn’t like her mess but its kinda what I was talking about earlier.

Also its part of the work to have to teach someone the standards. I know she wants to do what I want but its still work for me to teach or train her on those things. But I guess I really have unrealistic standards because how is she supposed to learn if no body teaches her. sigh . ya know I guess the problem is that I didn’t choose her. That sounds petty and it isnt really the issue but it is. If I had talked to her for months and grown a connection, sure yeah I like you and you like me and move in and we will see where this takes us. It will be a similar process but also drastically different. She will move in and we will grow a connection and see if we like each other. I dont think the answer will be that we dont like each other but it makes me uncomfortable and upset. I dont want this basic stranger moving into our house and our life and I am expected to jump on board and be besties with her? No one is saying these things but it is how it feels. Like I am the bitch if I need time to process or time to do things on my own. Honestly I am putting a lot of these restrictions and rules on myself. I should be more open with Char and Katie. I know that is the mature thing and I want to do that but like I explained earlier I get confused and turned around on what I should actually do vs what I am feeling.

He says It was the way it was because of Steff.but it wasn't only her but the house that you and her made together. I don’t like the blame you put on her because you guys were partners, I know she was weighing you down and I don't have an eloquent way to say this but. You are both equally to blame, you allowed her energy to affect you and the relationships you had with other people. It is hard because I know that you feel guilty and frustrated that you brought me into this situation, but I wish there was something we could do. You tell me that I inspire you and push you to do things that you wouldnt do without me but I do not feel that. In our day-to-day life I do not feel like I am the light of your life, I do not feel like your partner is fighting with you against the world. I feel like we are fighting each other, I feel like we put our energy into other people or things instead of each other.

rants:

I know he cares about my things but it doesn't feel that way. I wish he would put his phone down and look at me when I am talking. I wish he would be engaged with me and how I talk to him and show him things. It feels like the whole time he is only waiting for me to be done talking and that doesnt feel nice.

The thing that makes my stomach sink is thinking about her moving in. less time for me. Less energy for me. Someone to do things better than what I can do. It’s a lot of insecurity and jealousy. I don’t want him to even leave for an hour, how am I supposed to do a couple of days without him? It makes me very reactive and emotional. I dont want him to leave, I dont want him having a special moment with someone else. I know he isnt trying to replace me but that is how it feels sometimes when the steps are similar to what me and Him did. I’m sure this is something that I need to learn and deal with because I am sure there will be other people who want to move in and will drive with them across the country. Idk. It makes me sad. We dont have money for it but it doesn't seem to matter to him. I wish I had the time to travel and spend time with the person I loved. I wish I could have a 3 day trip with him. I know I got my trip when we drove to OH but thats what makes me feel sad. Like, now were are established there is no more flirting or fun to be had. It makes me sad about our relationship. I try to motivate him but I bring him down. He tries to motivate me but it brings me down. I don’t want him driving with her. Do I deserve things? Do I deserve softness? Do I deserve all the time I want? I want to be enabled. I want him to care about me and give me everything.

Does Katie have the standards she has to meet for you? Or does she only have to try her best? I feel very upset thinking and feeling that she passes the test most of the time regardless of what she does and I only pass the test if I get above a 95%. I wish you could communicate with me more, ask me more things.

I do like Katie but I also dont. I feel like I cannot talk to her and often times I do not understand what she is trying to get at or explain. I don’t like how loud she is randomly or in general. I dont like sharing you with her. I know I am too pessimistic but why did it feel so different when she was here. Why do I not energize you, why dont you like me? Why dont you wnat to have fun with me? Why don't you want to give me slack?

You say we dont do sexual things because I am not giving the right energy or because I dont ask. Those statements make me sad. You say you want to do things with me but you dont show that. You dont ask me to do things, you don't seem excited, you dont try to squeeze things in with me. Why do I always have to be the one that is bridging the gap. I know you feel like you're doing 75% but I feel like I am doing 75%!!

am i enough? he seemed so happy when she was here. he seems so dead with me. he's always saying how much i do for him, i wish i felt it. but is that an internal thing? am i too stupid to realize what he is doing? it makes me really upset because i don't think so but i doubt myself so much. i cant bring something up to him without questioning myself first and being mean to myself. i don't feel like the light of his life.

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