#i seriously look forward to so much this year i'm going to put my regrets behind me n just look towards doing the future
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Glitch, I have a few things to say.. I am COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH YOUR WRITING! *most especially, DILF Izu!
And major question, Is Inko still alive in the Cheating DILF Izuku universe? If so, Would she be able to figure out what the Number 1 couples' situation is?? Maybe she would start noticing the signs? Am seriously such a sucker for how you write angst! Hope you're in good health always ♡
Cheating Dilf Izuku Pt2.5
[Cheating Dilf Izuku Masterlist]
Inko is still alive!!
It's just that after the funeral and everything, Izuku and reader were rather hesitant to accept her help because they didn't want to not be able to do it on their own (they couldn't). And Inko does see it and notices it.
Inko and her son are very close but so is Reader and Inko too. She notices that the couple stops talking about one another, she notices that the boys seem rather on edge and she notices that you both look drained. She notices and she really does want to to do something.
"Okaasan, I have no idea what you're talking about." Izuku stated as he held his phone to his ear as he organised the laundry as he sat on the floor in the laundry room.
"Izuku, I'm smarter than you give me credit for. I know something's wrong." She said gently but still stern. "All I'm saying is, you can bring the boys to me and I can take care of them for a week. You and Y/N can go and spend some time together. Like you used to."
Izuku paused as he held a pair of mismatched socks. His mother wasn't entirely wrong. You and him did use to go on little mini vacations together. Usually not spanning more than a weekend every six or so months where you would just spend time as a couple. It was something you both always looked forward to, despite loving your boys to bits.
Often than not there was a resort in Okinawa that the both of you loved to go to, just the two of you. But it had bene just more than a year since you last went, especially since you were both supposed to go five months ago but Lord knows that didn't happen.
Izuku sighed as he set down the socks he had in his hands. "I don't know. Okaasan." He let out with a sigh. "Y/N and I... we just... I don't think she'd want to go."
"Stuff and nonsense, Izu. Why wouldn't she? I know how much she knows you adore her."
That was painful. Izuku bit back a grimace as he sighed. He leaned back, surrounded by laundry baskets that were labeled for each boy. He looked over to one that stayed filed up at the top away from sight. A label on it that read a single name. Shoyo.
"Okaasan..." He whispered as he looked up at the basket. "I really messed up." He said quietly. "I... I don't think things will ever be the same."
Inko was silent for a moment before a small sigh left her mouth. "Izuku, I won't lie to you and say that you're wrong. You're right. It won't ever be the same. Losing a child is an unbearable sort of pain that hurts more than anything imaginable." Izuku closed his eyes not wanting to think about it. "And I wish I could say that it doesn't change things. It does. However, we can only pick up the pieces and try to make life a little bit better. Talk about this to her and see what she says. I think it would be good for the both of you if you got away for a while."
Izuku was silent for a moment as he thought about it. He let out a sigh as he leaned back for a moment. There was no harm in asking and the worst you could say was no...
Actually he was wrong. The worst you could say would probably make him feel like a damn fool and no would be the best thing you could say.
But if he wanted to win his wife back... He'd have to try everything he had until his last breath.
He sighed. "Fine. Fine, I'll talk to her."
He heard some giggles on the otherside of the line before a happy laugh. "Izu you won't regret it! I can't wait to see my grandbabies again!"
Izuku raised an eyebrow as he put the socks in the washing machine like he was doing previously. "Is this you trying to help my marriage or you having an excuse to see the boys?"
"... both." He could hear her smile and it made him laugh.
After finishing with the laundry, Izuku mustered up the courage to walk into your bedroom. You were laying in bed with your laptop in front of you while Koda took a nap beside you. The little four year old held onto your arm in his sleep as you typed away on your laptop. A bunny sitting at the foot of your bed.
Izuku closed the door behind him as he kept himself a good distance away from you, not wanting to overstep. "Y/N."
"Hm?" You didn't look up at him as you kept busy at whatever you were doing. Before, you used to always pause and listen to whatever he had to say. But then again, that was when he deserved it.
"How about we go to Okinawa?"
The question made you freeze. Your eyes flicked up from your laptop before you slowly turned to look up at him. Your eyes slowly went into a glare. "To do what?" You asked, not hostility in your voice but apprehension.
"You know, just..." He shrugged. "We could spend some time there, you and me. We haven't gone in a while and I think it would be nice." You stayed silent as you just watched him. He felt nervous at your eyes on him like that. He took a step forward. "Just after our holiday with the boys and everyone, we could... if you want."
You stared at him for another minute. You then let out a scoff and turned back to continue whatever it was you were doing on your laptop. You continued to type as you kept your eyes on the screen in front of you.
Izuku let out a quiet sigh, not exactly surprised. His shoulders dropped as he turned to head to the shower.
"I'll think about it."
The sound of your voice made him freeze in place. He turned back to look at you but you continued to type away, ignoring him otherwise.
That was enough to make him smile, knowing that you gave him just a lick of hope was enough to make him happy with your answer.
-Glitch1d
#midoriya x reader angst#izuku midoriya x reader#mha x y/n#bnha#deku x reader#dilf izuku midoriya#dilf midoriya#dilf deku#dilf mha#izuku midoria x reader#midoriya izuku#bnha midoriya#midoriya izuku angst#izuku midoriya
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Epilogue
Sessions Series
Paring: stalker Wanda x female reader
Tags Minors DNI: stalking, mentions of a knife, smut, smidge of somnophilia, fingering, strap on use (R Receiving), surprisingly fluff. This type of relationship is super toxic, okay!!
Masterlist
A/N: Thank y'all so so much for reading this series. Truly has been so nice seeing everyones comments and reblogs (the tags kill me every time)! This was my first series and hopefully there will be more, I really enjoy writing and am happy to share with you kind people. Let me know if you have any questions, would love to know what you think!! Thanks 💚💚
New Years Eve 2018
Your senses were heightened as you became aware of a set of eyes on you. Her gaze fixated on you from across the room, behind the crowd of people that swarmed around you. You watch with a familiar spark in your chest, a sense of safety that your shadow was watching over you.
"They're about to start the countdown, I'm going to find Maria!" Natasha yells closely to your ear, breaking the eye contact you held with Wanda.
You give her a small smile and nod, "Alright, find me after!" Before kissing her cheek and giving her a short hug. You watch your best friend push through the crowd until you can no longer see her red head, and your eyes travel back to your shadow. Panic settles in when you realize she's nowhere to be found.
Around you people begin pairing off, touch hungry ones scanning the crowd for a last chance at a kiss before the New Year. A touch on your shoulder makes you smile and turn around, but instead of seeing your Wanda, you see a drunk man attempting to balance himself in front of you.
"Hi sweetie," he slurs, resting his hand on your shoulder. The '2019' glasses he wore took up most of his face, a drink in his other hand sloshed onto your shoes.
"I'm sorry, I'm looking for someone..." You groan and try to push his hand off of your shoulder. To your suprise, he keeps it there.
"I'm somebody, you found me!" His words slur together as he presses closer.
"Seriously? Get off!" You raise your voice and put your hands on his broad chest, pushing him back. It's only a second later that you feel a body pressed against you from behind, the intoxicating scent wrapping around you.
"Hey man, I'd back off." Wandas husky voice sounds from behind you, but she moves to step in front of you as the man steps forward again.
He laughs and holds up his drink towards her, "We're just having fun, you wanna join in?" He slurs again, and Wanda makes a face of disgust.
"Just go away before we do something we'll both regret," she threatens. It's then you notice her hand is behind her back, settled on what you know is a blade hidden underneath her jacket.
Instinctively you reach out, resting your hand on top of hers. You watch as her shoulders drop and her grip on the handle softens. A blush creeps up your neck as you once again realize the affect you had on her.
Who, really, was the mouse?
"Fine, fine, you two are no fun," the man mumbles with a shrug, leaving the two of you in the crowd.
Before Wanda can turn around, you wrap your arms around her stomach, hugging her from behind. You feel soft vibrations from her back as she chuckles, turning in your arms.
"Okay, little mouse?" She asks softly, her demeanor changed in an instant as her green eyes meet yours. You nod and slide your hands up to her shoulders.
"I was hoping you would show up," you bite back a smirk as she leans in. The crowd begins counting down, signaling the seconds to midnight.
10... 9... 8...
"I'm always there, you know that," Wanda rasps in your ear, placing a soft kiss just below.
7... 6... 5...
The thought doesn't bother you, of her always being there watching. Waiting. Instead of dread, you felt comfort. You knew she would always be there. One hand cups her face as she continues to leave soft kisses across your jaw.
You would take any bad, as long as you had this good. As long as you had Wanda.
4... 3... 2... 1...
As cheers errupt around you, shouting, "Happy New Year!" You waste no time pressing your lips to hers, your fingers tangling into her soft brown hair. Wanda holds you tightly against her as she slips her tongue into your parted mouth. You savor the flavor of mint on her tongue, biting down softly on her bottom lip. She groans into the kiss, and you can't help but smile.
"You're going to be the death of me, little mouse..." she sighs onto your lips, and you nod.
"You love it..." You giggle, causing her to laugh. She pulls back with an unfamiliar look in her eyes, lips parted like she wants to say something. You wait, but only watch as they pull into a crooked grin before kissing you again.
***
January 2019
Wanda peers through the darkness into the windows of your house, her figure disconcernable against the shadows.
You walk around, a prickling sensation on the back of your neck, knowing someone is watching your every move. Despite the comforting warmth in the room, a shiver runs down your spine, knowing your shadow was just outside.
But instead of fear, instead of unease, you simply walk to the front of the house and stare out the window.
Wanda remains concealed, her presence a silent observer in the stillness of the night. She looks with curious eyes before realizing what you were doing, and a smirk forms on her face.
Your hands move to the locks, opening them up with a 'click'. As you stare off into the shadows, a sense of vulnerability washes over you, the feeling of leaving the windows unlocked. You have to lock and unlock it three more times before you're comfortable.
"Little mouse.." A whisper in the dark, a body next to yours as you stir in your sleep.
You could've sworn it was a dream as her hand traveled down your body, cupping your clothed pussy. She ran small circles over your clit, the clothing between become wetter. You felt your skin burn under the covers, aching for her as she teases you. Then her hand slides inside of your pants, rubbing against your now sensitive clit.
You awake with a start and attempt to sit up, but her other hand immediately covers your mouth and presses you back onto the pillow. Your hands fly up to her wrist that held a hand over your mouth, your breathing ragged as you attempted to figure out what was going on.
"It's okay, pretty girl. Just let me take care of you.." Wanda whispers, slipping her fingers inside of you. Her body presses further against you as she moves her wrist, her fingers pumping in and out of you at a quicker pace. Your moans muffle from her hand on your mouth.
"Such a good little mouse.." She praises, trapping your moans into the palm of her hand. "You were just begging for me to sneak in, needed me to come fuck you huh?" Her tone is condescending, but you only groan in response as her lips attach to your neck.
"That's it, just like that," Wanda chuckles darkly as you squeeze her fingers tightly, her thumb moving circles on your clit. "Now I want you to be a good girl and cum on my fingers, okay?"
As she sucks the skin on your collarbone, you follow as she commands, coming on her fingers and biting down harshly on her hand. Wanda moans at the feeling and the way you fall apart for her. You knew by the sound of her belt unbuckling that it would only be the first of the night.
***
February 2019
"So you and Wanda, huh?" Natasha laughs, shaking her head. "Was the therapy that good?"
Your face turns a dark shade of red as you think back on your sessions, the dark road it led you down. You shrug and take a sip of coffee, "I suppose it was..."
There was no way you could tell Natasha everything. You wouldn't. The Cat and Mouse game you and Wanda played was special, just for the two of you. But there was no way you could hide your feelings for her anymore, or the marks she left on your body, from your best friend.
"You're happy?"
"For the first time in a long time," you answer honestly. Through the whirlwind of emotions Wanda caused you, you knew you were.
"Taking your medication again?" Natasha raises an eyebrow as you tap the side of your cup 4 times absemindetly.
"It'll never go away..." You refer to your compulsion, "But I'm learning to cope with it."
"Good! Now, when are we going to go on a double date?" She smiles widely at you.
A date... you couldn't imagine Wanda taking you on a date. Maybe you could sit at a nice restaurant and she would watch from across the street. Maybe four rows away from you as you sit in a movie theater. Would it always be this way? Always about the chase?
"Hopefully soon," is all you say, a small smile planted on your lips.
***
May 2019
The microwave beeps from across the kitchen, and you set your glass of wine down before walking over and pulling out a bag of freshly popped popcorn.
Wanda watches hidden in the shadows as you grab a second glass, filling it up and topping off your own. She raises an eyebrow at the sight. Jealousy seeps in through all the cracks of her chest. She knew for a fact that Natasha was with her girlfriend tonight, and you never had anyone else over, especially this late at night.
Two glasses of wine sit on the counter along with a bowl of popcorn as you grab your phone. Her heart races as she sees the smile spread across your lips as you stare at the small screen.
A vibrate from her pocket distracts her from you.
Wanda takes her phone out to check the text, shaking her head with a sigh. She laughs at the message with the ridiculous nickname. It was only fair, she supposed.
You - Want to watch a movie, kitty?
She looks up from the screen to see you standing by the window, waving at her. Wanda tucks her phone back in her jeans and walks towards your house, where she finds the front door unlocked.
"Do you ever get tired of watching?" You ask curiously. Wanda now sat next to you on the couch, her arm wrapped around your shoulders as you leaned into her warmth. New and uncharted territory, the most normal interaction the two of you had privately. It felt so natural. You longed for this.
"No," she answers sternly, reaching into the bowl you held and tossing some popcorn into her mouth.
In the months Wanda had revealed herself as your shadow the two of you became closer, but she still felt out of reach. You noticed during sex that she would never let you touch her, and you craved to reach out and caress her. You didn't know why, and any time you tried to ask her, she would shut it down and become distant. Wanda still watched, too, every night. Any time she wasn't in the room with you, you could feel her eyes on you. By now, you didn't mind it, but you were starting to want... more.
"What if you... didn't have to go far to watch me?" You ask casually, keeping your eyes on the movie that played in front of you.
"What do you mean?" Wanda asks, and by the tone of voice, you could tell she knew what you meant. She wanted to hear you say it.
You lean forward to set down the bowl on the coffee table and move to situate yourself to sit on her lap. Your legs straddled her thighs, and your hands rested on her shoulders. You let the nail on your finger scratch up and down the side of her neck softly.
"Baby.." You whisper to her, feeling her strong hands grip your waist. For some reason, Wanda loved when you called her that, and you saved it for times like this.
You grab her jaw in your hand, tilting it to the side so you had full access to her neck. Your lips descend upon the soft skin, tongue licking a stripe to her pulse point. Wanda shifts beneath you, fingers fidgeting against your hips as you begin to bite down and suck.
"Is that what you want then, little mouse? Did you fully think about what that means?" Her voice is laced with lust as you trail down and leave another mark. "It means you'll never be alone, you won't sleep alone. It means I can use you whenever I please..." Wandas hands travel underneath your shirt, exploring your back.
"I know.." You mumble against her skin, your hips rolling slightly down against her to find she was definitely packing.
"It means you'll belong to me. You'll be mine, completely," Wanda growls as you leave another mark, her senses failing her as you continue to grind against her.
But you stop suddenly and remove your lips from her neck, your hands on either side of her face.
"I always was, baby. I am... completely," you whisper and look into her eyes, finding that same look she gave you on New Years Eve.
Wanda kisses you passionately, slipping her tongue into your mouth the second she can. Her hands travel your body before she's pulling your shirt over your head, you do the same for her.
"I need you so fucking bad," you groan against her lips, the ache between your legs growing as you throb around nothing. Wanda nods and hums in response, lifting you up and laying your back on the couch.
She slides her hand into your panties, feeling just how badly you needed her. "All mine, huh?" Wanda chuckles as her fingers pump inside of you.
"Completely," you moan out as she begins kissing your chest. You reach around her to undo her bra, sliding it away so you can feel her breasts pressed against you.
Wanda marks your skin as hers, fingering you until you're falling apart underneath her. You watch with wide eyes as she takes her fingers out of you and puts them into her own mouth, sucking your juices off of them.
"Mmm, you taste so good, pretty girl.." Wanda gushes and then chuckles as a whimper leaves your mouth. She then leans down and kisses you in a quick and sloppy kiss, letting you taste yourself on her tongue. She parts to unzip her jeans, sliding them off of her before lining her strap up between your legs.
Wanda slides in, filling you up completely with her faux cock. The position, the closeness, this was all so new. Usually you were bound or on your stomach. This was different. It was so much more intimate. She moves her hips slowly against yours, a low moan escaping her throat.
"So good, detka.. always so fucking good," she groans and lets out a few Sokovian curses as she thrusts harder into you. Her arms rest on either side of you, holding her weight above you. You take the opportunity to wrap your arms around her.
She tenses and begins to pull back, but your legs wrap around her hips tightly to pull her closer into you. You both moan at the feeling of closeness, her being deeper than ever in you, and Wanda finds herself lost in you. She lets your hands roam the skin on her back as she fucks you.
"Baby - feels so good!" You cry out in her ear, the weight of her body pressed down onto you as she grunts against your neck. Your nails scratch down her back, causing a guttural moan to escape her lips. You throb around the plastic cock at the sound of it, wanting her as close as possible.
"I know, I know... so good... Christ," she praises you and moans in agreement, pace picking up. You can feel the muscles in her back flex as she pounds into you. The way she's moaning into your skin, you can tell she's close.
She fills you completely with every thrust, hitting that one spot that makes you see stars over and over again. Your fingers feel every inch of skin she'll let you touch, from the few moles that spread along the top below her shoulders to her back dimples on the bottom. You let your nails mark into her skin again, and Wanda feels on cloud 9. Pure bliss.
"Fuck, pretty girl I'm gonna cum," Wanda moans in your ear and picks her head up to look in your eyes, finding only pleasure written on your face. You nod at her words and hold onto her back, your legs still gripping tightly around her hips to bring her desperately closer to you.
"Me too, baby, I-I'm so close!" You gasp, feeling her lips on yours.
"Fuck, fuck! Always.. so good, fuck, I love you so much.. oh God," Wanda moans into your mouth as she thrusts into you, fucking you hard into the couch. You don't have time to register what she says before the tight coil that had built up inside you releases. A wave of pleasure crashing over you.
The two of you come at the same time, the sounds of your moans and Wanda chanting your name as she slaps her hips into yours. Wanda slows to a stop once she's sure she's taken everything she can from you.
Your chest moves rapidly as you look up at her, her jaw tense as she lets out one last groan. The muscles in her back tense up as your fingers trace small circles on her skin, and she begins to move away.
"Stay... don't move, please?" You whisper, pleading with her. Wanda sighs and gives in, too tired to move. Your heart races as you replay her words over and over again in your mind.
You bring your other hand up, stroking her brown strands of hair that splayed across the two of you and closed your eyes. Wandas arms wrap tightly underneath you as she rests her head in the crook of your neck.
She had never let you hold her like this before, touch her like this. You knew what she said was true. Her words were not just words spoken lightly. Maybe she hadn't meant to say it then, but you knew she loved you. You knew she would never let you go, even if you didn't love her back.
But you did. With all of your mind, body, and soul. Everything that you were, are, and will be.
More than you loved the special bottle of red that sat on the counter, more than the feeling of a paintbrush in your hand, more than I Love Lucy, more than counting to four.
Wandas breathing slows against your neck, her body fully relaxed as you caress her. You had never seen or felt her so at ease before.
"I love you..." You whisper as you hear soft snores fall from her lips.
It doesn't take long for you to fall asleep after, the sounds of her quiet snores and slow breathing along with the comforting weight of her body on top of yours, lull you to sleep.
Dreaming, hoping, there was a way Wanda would give in to you.
To let the game fade away.
But when you awake in the morning, you're alone on the couch. A blanket covers your naked body, hopes and dreams fading away into reality.
Wanda was gone, and the worst part was you knew she would be back, out of reach again.
You give yourself a moment on the couch, only a moment to cry, before wiping your tears and shaking the sounds of her soft snores out of your mind. The way her body melted into yours as your hearts beat insync, the way she kissed you lovingly, the words "I love you" slipping from her lips in a desperate, intimate moment. It was all a game, after all.
The wine glasses and popcorn bowl were missing from the coffee table. Curious, you wrap the blanket around your body and walk to the kitchen. The dishes were clean and sitting on the drying rack. It was then you saw on the counter a glass of water and a bottle of your medication along with a paper and pen. You slowly pick up the paper, an old receipt you had lying around, and read the note:
I'll be back later with some boxes. Don't forget to take your medicine.
The curved letters tug at your heartstrings, the next lines causing another spark to ignite in your chest.
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
If the game was still afoot, Wanda was winning, because you were utterly and irrevocably hers.
***
October 2019
In the sunlit room, you stood in front of a canvas, wooden brush in hand. Each stroke, movements precise and deliberate, guided by a vision taking form in your mind. You inhale the scent of oil paint as you take some more on your brush before leaning in, adding intricate detail to breathe life into your creation. Time seems to stop as you lose yourself to the creative side of your brain.
You don't hear the creak of the door opening, or feel Wandas gaze on you as she stands in the doorway, admiring you.
The large button down you wore loosely was covered in paint, a work of art in itself from all the leftover paint of paintings you had done. You hummed along to the music, playing softly behind you, tongue between your teeth and brows scrunched together as you concentrated on the small details.
Wanda can't help the crooked smile on her face as she takes in the sight of you in your element. Her heart pounding out of her chest as you brush a piece of fallen hair out of your face. She walks closer, setting her hands on your waist.
You gasp at her touch, the feeling of her nose tickles your ear as she kisses your neck.
"Baby.. you scared me," you giggle and rest a hand on top of hers, leaning back against her.
There it was again, that feeling Wanda would never get used to. The feeling that wanted to drop her to her knees right there and whisper devotions between your legs, something she did more often since you had moved in with her.
"I got tired of watching," Wanda jokes, a rumble in her chest as she laughs. You turn yourself in her arms, resting your hands on her chest.
"I don't mind you watching... but I prefer you touching," you whisper the last part sinfully, the word darkening Wandas emerald eyes. She picks you up easily, you squeal with excitement, and wrap your legs around her waist.
And there on the floor, in the room Wanda had transformed into your art studio, she whispered those devotions against your skin and between your legs.
You lay on the cloth tarp that covered the floor underneath your canvas, drawing patterns on the skin of Wandas stomach. You turn in her arm to look at her.
A jaw sculpted by God, green eyes blessed by the angels, and a smile gifted from the Devil.
The sun shines on her face, highlighting smudges of green paint on her cheek. You giggle and let your fingers travel to the colored paint stripes spread across her body, a handprint on her shoulder.
"You're my favorite work of art," you murmur to her, feeling her thumb brush the paint on your hips. She smiles, your favorite crooked smile.
"Little mouse?" Wanda asks, her voice low and calm as she stares into your eyes.
"Yes, baby?"
"Marry me.."
And it's not a question, it's a statement. A declaration. You didn't need a moment to think, because you already knew you were hers, forever.
"Yes," you say anyways, nodding your head. Wandas' smile widens, and she lifts you on top of her, kissing you the best she could without letting her smile go.
***
Christmas Day 2021
The snow crunches under Wandas' boots as she watches you walk from the kitchen to the living room, a towel on your shoulder. Your hands fumbled with something unseen, hidden from her view. Your brows furrowed in concentration, and you shook your head, mumbling something to yourself.
And then you looked up and saw her. The widest smile overcame your face. You radiated pure joy.
Wandas' heart sped up at the sight of you as she carried wood and walked towards the front door.
"Reminiscing, kitty?" You purr as you greet her at the door with a kiss and a hug, she hums against your lips.
"You don't miss it, little mouse?" Wanda chuckles and kisses your jaw, the wood dropping to the floor.
"Not when I have all this..." You sigh happily as she kisses down your neck, her hands moving under your shirt.
A cry from the other room interrupts the moment.
"Mm, those boys always know when to start, don't they?" She mumbles, "I knew when I heard twins, they would be trouble."
Wanda hears a radiant laugh escape your lips, and she gives you a crooked smile in return. You cup her face in your hands, the ring on your fourth finger on the left hand is cool against her cheek.
"I loved you then, and I love you even more now, Wanda.." you whisper, breath fanning against her face.
"I love you even more, little mouse.." she says softly, giving you one last kiss before walking into the living room, your hand in hers.
#marvel#wanda maximoff#wanda x reader#wanda maximoff x reader#wanda x you#wanda x fem!reader#elizabeth olsen#dark wanda x reader
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Story time! The gathering. part 1
Hello girls, I'm here with the update!
It is always difficult to write at these times because there is so much going on at these gatherings.
Let me start by saying that I arrived at the party 1 hour late. (I met a friend before that)
At first I was sad, but then I didn't mind, because when I arrived the atmosphere was already great, everyone was in a good mood and people were drinking and laughing loudly. (there were a lot of us again)
Of course, I didn't take off my coat, I was already looking where R could be. Obviously, I couldn't find him standing at the door, so I quickly started to take off my coat and in the meantime I adjusted my hair in the mirror to be perfect. After that comes the main point and why I didn't regret being late.
"You're late dear" - said the voice that made my heart beat faster.
R was leaning against the wall with a glass of champagne in his hand, watching me straighten my hair (very awkward situation)
Girls, I can't even tell you how attractive he was, he was wearing a black short-sleeved shirt and black linen pants. (I almost tore it off) his hair was slicked back and a few strands hung forward. 😳
So, after that, I greeted him and quickly went through the people and of course, I caught dad in the living room with a big hug. <3
Then, before I even got to the kitchen, a couple of my father's friends caught me and made me drink two half-glass of vodka. bruh😭😭
Well, here comes the point, when I got to the kitchen, R was also standing there talking to a couple of men, and even though I decided not to be shy, somehow I still couldn't start a conversation, so I just poured myself a champagne...
In the meantime, dad asked me to make the fruit salad if I was already late (oops) and UHH R came next to me and asked if he would help me cut them up.
Of course, I immediately said yes, so we made the fruit salad together!! This part was so good because we talked a lot and it was a great feeling to make a salad together.
I knew from that that he had been drinking more, that he teases me a lot more and skins my face all the time. Even now, when I was about to put the apples in the bowl, he poked my side, causing half of them to fall to the ground, and then he even laughed. He seriously embarrassed me so much with that. But of course I didn't give up and threw a piece of blueberry in his face and we started fighting like five-year-olds. lol
But then I stopped when one of the cold blueberries fell under my top and while I was grumpily trying to fish it out, R just grinned and then came closer to me and said.. (girls, don't die)
"Can I help you take it out?" ???????!!!!!!!! EXCUSE ME
It was a flirt that I couldn't handle, I was so embarrassed and I think he knew what he was doing because he just laughed and said he was just joking. 😭😭
Sir I'm going to die because of you!
So far it's very cute and I'm started to feel really good, but frankly there's always someone who spoils it all.
A woman stole R's attention and they started talking, so I finished the fruit salad alone. :(((
But in the meantime I was also talking to people and R had his back to me, we were behind each other's backs the whole time and that's how I heard what they were talking about. In retrospect, maybe I didn't want to hear it...
Because it was burned into my memory that R was asked about a woman, what was going on with her/them. ??? HUH? WHAT
You can imagine that I was eating a fruit salad, but my fork stuck in my mouth when I heard this. I kind of guessed that R wasn't waiting for me and was goo and dating other women, but it was still very painful to face it.🤧 *crying*
I rather filled another glass of champagne and maybe I shouldn't have done that because I could still feel the alcohol a little. (but idc)
I'll continue in another post soon because it would be very long. SORRY AHH
Until then, process the events girls, because I haven't succeeded since then. lol 😫😫😫
#story time#tc community#teacher crush community#teacher crush#tc crush#male tc#teacher love#tc love#my tc#teacher x student#male teacher x female student#teacher attachment#male teacher crush#male teacher#my teacher#hot teacher#girlblogging#this is a girlblog#love story#my diary#dear diary#diary entry#diary#journal#digital diary#family gatherings#party#this is my blog#this is real#bruh
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No one has to know what we do
Summary: Kinda just a prologue, there is not a lot happening, basically reader is Azriels sister and its a modern!au
A/N: Hi guys! My first acotar fanfic wow! I just NEEDED to write for our Highlord. There are not nearly enough fanfics about him and Im so seriously in love with him its not healthy. As always, constructive criticism is appreciated!
Anyone interested in me posting a part 2?
Being Azriel's slightly younger sister, you were not a stranger to his two best friends, well, they were more like brothers really. Cassian and you had always had a sibling-like relationship, but it has always been different between Rhys and you.
When all four of you were children, you would steal both Azriels and Cassians things without even thinking about asking them. When you wanted to borrow something from Rhys, however, you would put on your cutest face, eyes wide, lips slightly curved into a smile, and ask him nicely.
When the four of you were growing up, your three former best friends and you drifted apart slightly. You quickly found your own friends and didn't spend much time with the trio. But the separation did nothing to end your little crush. Quite the opposite happened, whenever you would see Rhys, you would become overly nervous and giggle.
The year you turned eightteen and the boys turned nineteen was horrible for your relationship with Azriel. It was the year you brought home your first official boyfriend. You had given up on your stupid fantasy of Rhys falling for you and decided to move on. Your parents weren't overly interested in your boyfriend and you were stupid enough to think that your brother wouldn't either.
One evening, not long after introducing him to your parents, thinking you were home alone, you invited your boyfriend, Tamlin, over. At first, everything seemed to be going well. The two of you ending up on the couch with him on top of you, kissing slowly.
"I still don't get how exactly you managed to tear down the building at the lake, Cass, but-"
Rhys deep voice was silented pretty quickly, when the trio entered the living room, taking in the scene before them, all of them seemingly in a trance. Their expression of utter shock would have been funny, had you not been in a compromising position underneath your boyfriend. You quickly pushed him off, standing up and clearing your throat.
"Hi", you croaked out.
"Hi? Hi? That's what you say after I find you with his tongue down your throat?", Azriel practically spat out, trying and horribly failing to stay calm.
"I think it's best if you leave", you quietly said to Tamlin, trying to get him out before your brother would do something he'd regret.
"Why should I leave? I'm not scared of your brother."
Idiot. Stupid Idiot with a death wish.
Before Azriel could react to the most stupid thing anyone has ever said, Rhysand stepped forward, radiating just as much rage as Az, but seemingly keeping it concealed beneath calm exterior.
"Maybe you should be. If you think you'll win this fight, be my guest. I won't be the one wearing a body cast.", he casually shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips as he imagined your boyfriend in a cast.
Apparently, Tamlin wasn't as fearless as he claimed to be. He swallowed heavily before looking to the floor and leaving without another glance in your direction.
The second Tamlin had left the room, three pairs of eyes strayed to you.
"Since when do you have a boyfriend?", Cassian asked in as nice a tone as he could manage. He didn't exactly love the image of you making out with someone, but he did wish to ease the horrible tension which had befallen the room.
Clearing your throat, you answered: "I've known him a few weeks now."
"Who cares? Why are you going around kissing people? When I was your age-", Azriel started
"Oh please, when you were my age you practically banged the whole neighborhood.", you said, getting slightly agitated with your older brother. The hypocrisy!
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other things to do."
You could feel three disbelieving stares on your back as you left the room. Just before closing your bedroom door, you could hear Cassians booming laughter.
"Oh she's definitely going to be a lot of trouble for you, Az. When did she become so feisty?", Cassian managed to get out before continuing to laugh.
"Shut up."
Rhysand stayed silent. His mind was jumping back and forth between being pissed about you kissing someone else and the way you just left the three of them standing there afterwards.
"You both have to promise me something.", Az said slowly.
Cassian had managed to stop laughing by then and both Rhys and him were looking at their brother with a question in their eyes.
"No matter what fucking happens, neither of you can ever start anything with my sister"
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SUCCESS #2 - November
Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November
November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…
Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact
She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓
My mom is walking again
I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.
Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch
Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.
No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues
I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗
Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY!
I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀
[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]
6. WL + Maintained weight loss!
I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)
Moral of the story is, never give up.
YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!
I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭
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Tumblr Fandom: A Year in Review 2023
i was tagged by @captain-hen, thank you! 🥰
i was tempted to skip the top five blorbos/fandoms/pairings section because let's be honest, it's really only been buck and eddie for the entire year, but i do have other interests even if i'm not as involved in them as i am in buddie. so enjoy learning more about my ao3 history, i guess? 😂
top 5 blorbos:
evan "buck" buckley (9-1-1)
eddie diaz (9-1-1)
roy kent (ted lasso)
clint barton (marvel)
billy butcher (the boys) (i literally started watching this show two weeks ago but y'know what? i'm adding it. butcher is just so blorbo shaped.)
top 5 fandoms:
9-1-1
avatar: the last airbender (for anyone who doesn't know, my atla sideblog is @zukkababey!)
marvel
ted lasso
teen wolf
top 5 pairings:
evan buckley/eddie diaz (9-1-1)
roy kent/jamie tartt (ted lasso)
clint barton/bucky barnes (marvel)
arthur/eames (inception)
billy butcher/hughie campbell (the boys)
shoutout to some new friends:
i've talked to so many new people this year who have really made me feel included in the 9-1-1 fandom, namely @devirnis, @colonoscopys, @shitouttabuck, @housewifebuck, @eddiebabygirldiaz, @vampbuckley and @buck2eddie. i love seeing you all in my notifications, and so many of you have been so encouraging, especially during my writing drought that's been persisting for months. y'all are great 🥹🫶
shoutout to some old friends:
i'm kinda new here but @eddiediaaz, i'm pretty sure you were my first ever 9-1-1 mutual that i talked to and you really made me feel so so welcome in the fandom when i posted my first buddie fic back in 2022. i will always be grateful for that and you!!! ❤️
favourite creation you posted this year:
it's definitely gotta be what a heart can do. i love dad buck so much, i had such a fun time writing it, and i think it's some of my best storytelling. it makes me really happy that so many people have read and enjoyed it!
favourite creation posted by someone else this year:
THIS VIDEO by @butchdiaz. holy fucking shit. i'm sure everyone reading this has already seen it, but ohhhhh my god. this video rearranged my molecules. i can't listen to ceilings without thinking about it. the way you edited it to match so many important buddie moments, it genuinely makes me feel so insane. i re-watched it last night and i'm still vibrating just thinking about it.
people who brightened your year:
so many people!!! @negansmiith made a graphic for hurt locker that basically made my whole year! it is saved in my camera roll and i look back on it frequently. 🥰 @housewifebuck made a beautiful hat that i am genuinely obsessed with. check out their shop!!! anyone who has ever read my silly tags on a post i reblogged and dm'd me to chat about it—i love you.
anyone else you'd like to mention:
everyone who has read my fics or commented on them telling me your thoughts, thank you. seriously. just know that when i read your comment(s), i was twirling my hair and kicking my feet back and forth and squealing and smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt. every single comment made 2023 that much brighter.
five of your favourite authors this year:
@gayhoediaz - every time i get an email that you've posted a buddie fic, i know that i have a bedtime story for that night. i know it's gonna be a good one, every single time.
@devirnis - i read your fic about buck and eddie ring shopping and getting caught up in a robbery and i've never looked back. i've read so many of your fics this year (and tbh, thank god i still have more to read) and i'm looking forward to reading all the ones that you have in the works!!!
@colonoscopys - i’m pretty sure that i binged basically all of your fics this year and i don’t regret a single thing (except maybe going through them too fast). god, i love your writing.
@rewritetheending - gosh the way you’re able to get to the heart of emotions and describe them in a way that puts an ache in my chest makes me want to claw the ground until my fingernails break off. my fave fic of yours is still while we do what lovers do and i know it wasn’t posted in 2023 but i needed to shout it out here because goddddddd. i still think about it all the time.
@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels - i enjoyed reading your halloween fics this year so much, particularly your dark buddie au. sometimes you just gotta imagine your wholesome, already in love blorbos be absolutely unhinged and crazy about each other, and that’s perfectly normal. i actually remember looking for a dark buddie fic when i first joined the fandom and there were none, so i’m glad my wish was fulfilled, especially when it was done so damn well.
five of your favourite artists/gifmakers/podficcers/etc. this year:
@try-set-me-on-fire - you could have gone under fave authors too, but i fucking love your art style. i don't know art terms so forgive me, but something about the messiness and abstractness scratches this itch deep in my brain and they evoke such unnameable feelings that want to burst out of my ribcage. ugh!!!!!! if you sold prints i'd be checking out in two seconds flat.
@butchdiaz - i know i already waxed poetic about your ceilings edit, but i love your edits/gifs too, particularly this one. it's so simple but so beautiful and fucking devastating. the gif aspect is subtle but intentional (buck fading to black and white while the blood stays red?????? KILL ME!). i'd eat your gifs if i could.
@shitouttabuck - you could go under fave authors too (hello i love you like a dog fic) but i wanted to shout you out here because you are so fucking funny. every single edit you post makes me giggle out loud. tbh i didn't even realize they were all from you until i started scrolling through your edit tag looking for this post. i can't get over it. i literally laughed at it AGAIN when i found it.
@eddiediaaz - you are constantly feeding the 911 fandom. you make so many gifsets on so many different sideblogs that i'm sure no one actually knows how many gifs you're constantly making. and every single one is so goddamn good??? and they're so creative. like this one??? there are so many things going on, i can't even fathom how the hell you did it. gifmakers are magic, i swear.
@iinryer - YOUR ART FUELS ME. your style is so *clenches fist* fucking cool. the lines are simple but they still look like the characters?? i admire that so, so much because i know if i ever tried that they'd look so wonky, lol. i think about juice box chim all the damn time and i don't know where i've been lately but this one with buck and chris??? it's so soft and sweet and vulnerable, with the way buck is holding him and chris is nestled. GOD. everything you make is gold.
three (+1) things you're looking forward to in 2024:
getting my masters degree!
getting a job, maybe???
posting more buddie fic 👀
+ season 7 of 911, obviously.
i’m sure i’ve missed some people inadvertently but this was really fun to do! at this time of year, with the short days and cold weather (at least for some of us), i think we could all do with a little bit of joy and a brighter day. i really love this fandom and i'm so grateful to be a part of it!
tagging everyone i mentioned in this post, if you haven’t already done it and want to participate! ❤️
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I kind of want to talk about my experiences with Warhammer stores. Visiting them is a popular recommendation for how to get into the game, so I want to toss in my two cents particularly as a woman in the hobby (spoilers, story starts out as a bummer but has a happy ending).
The first time I went to a store it was because my partner (who's a man) had been trying to get me into 40K, and we were driving past a store. He decided to take us in. I was skeptical but curious. Liked the look of Ad Mech, thought Tau might be neat. There was an event going on at the store that day (Kill Team tournament I think?) The employee proceeds to greet my partner, chat about what he's looking for, armies he's played in the past. And I'm standing there just being totally ignored by this guy. It seriously felt like he had mentally categorized me as "disinterested girlfriend" and moved on. I'm sure the employee was busy and distracted and the service industry sucks. However, that dismissal did not feel great. I've spent a decent chunk of my life in male-dominated spaces and I am too old to put up with this shit. It put me off the whole game and hobby for years.
Fast forward a few years, I become addicted to necrons, and I genuinely want to get my own army. We ordered pretty much everything, but there were still some models I wanted, so I decided "okay, let me try this store thing again."
I was visiting my parents and they had a Warhammer store nearby (plus some independent stores, but the Warhammer one was closer). So I popped in with my mom while we were out, and the guy at the store was SO NICE! We chatted, he showed me the tyranids he was painting, gave me painting tips for my crons. He recommended some books that were excellent, and even checked if my mom was interested in anything! It was fantastic.
And there was my visit to the Warhammer Café in LA. Partner and I went as a special outing while visiting LA and the store was incredible. The employees were so excited! And talked to both of us about what we were looking for! There was one person running a tutorial game for some folks and hyping up every single dice roll. There were dudes playing games in the back, kids and families, and some stunning miniatures on display. We spent way too much money and I have no regrets XD
I guess the moral of my story is that bad experiences can happen and that sucks, especially if you aren't the "stereotypical" wargamer type person. That's important to acknowledge, and I don't blame anyone who gets turned off the hobby because of that. But at least for me, that negative experience turned out to be the exception. Others have been so kind and welcoming and excited about this weird little game and the weird little toys we love.
So if you do have a bad experience, I see you. It's not you, it's them. And I promise someone else will be better.
#warhammer 40k#warhammer#personal story#wargaming#I now have more painted miniatures than my partner#so he succeeded in getting me interested#he just might regret it#shoutout to the awesome game store employees everywhere#you guys rule
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Rating fandoms I've been in
-hetalia 4/10 this fandom is seriously fucked up now that i look at it but i had lots of fun there when i was 12. Still better than country humans
-warrior cats 7/10 stopped reading the books a while ago because they just weren't it anymore but maybe it's just that i got older. The only fandom I've ever wrote fanfiction for. A lot of great memories mostly from 2018-2020. Interacted with people mostly on Wattpad. Probably wouldn't go back but no regrets
-dreamsmp 4/10 conflicted because I cringe so bad when i remember how i used to act in early 2020 but then I've met SO many cool people on a Minecraft youtube discord server. I was never really into dnf (I've only read some fanfics)
-gacha life music videos and mini movies 6/10 oh god. Never made content, just watched it. This and warrior cats animations sort of created my music taste so. Aside from the weird wolf/angel hybrid princess OCs and gacha heat it was actually decent. I still watch gacha react from time to time 😢
-animation memes(2017-19) 7/10 I'm not a furry guys i swear. Tried making my own and i think looking at them now would cause me a cardiac arrest but back then i thought they were the shit. I even bought flipaclip premium and joined warriors m.a.ps.
-backrooms 8/10 does this qualify for a fandom? I hope so. Joined the reddit but i wasn't very active. I still take backroom-core photos sometimes but that's it
-marauders 9/10 currently in it. Never read Harry Potter (I've only seen the movies). I just read jegulus fanfiction and vibe.
-genshin 7/10 I've played genshin once(1) and I'm not looking forward to doing that again but i really like the characters. I don't know much of the lore so i mostly just read one shot fanfics of my favorite ships
-miss peregrine's home for peculiar children 6/10 i have been trying to finish this series since like 2 years but i just can't bring myself to do it, I'm stuck on book 2. Again like the characters and most of the story but i don't like how the author uses pictures instead of describing stuff. The fandom seems really small and half dead but i admire their passion to fight whoever thinks the movie is better
-omniscient reader's viewpoint 8/10 reading the webtoon and i hope I'll find time and motivation to start the webnovel. I love this series. Kdj my beloved. He's like a turtle that you can put in a terrarium and hand feed lettuce
#hetalia#jegulus#orv#mphfpc#fandom#ratings#genshin impact#marauders#dead gay wizards#the backrooms#animation meme#dsmp#dsmp dnf#dreamnotfound#gacha community#warrior cats#erin hunter warriors#wolfstar
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((Okay, so... it's officially the 23rd (And has been for 2+ hours here actually ^^;). With that said, I'm gonna give ya'll a little update for the remainder of the year:
Today (12/23): TONS of baking (I have 4 pumpkin rolls, a batch of kkwabaegi, chocolate chip cookies, mini apple pies, and mini chocolate cupcakes to make) both before and after the Christmas party at my grandma's. This is gonna be rough- I don't want to have to see my mom and my step-dad, but I do want to see my grandma because it's been 4 years and I miss her and I always regret not being able to go to my grandpa's funeral in 2020...
Tomorrow (12/24): Christmas at my sister's (which is why I have so much baking to do ^^; Only the kkwabaegi is for today's party, everything else, including the pumpkin cupcakes and the sugar cookies I already made, is for tomorrow). This is gonna be a fun one, but it'll probably be a long day.
12/25: Probably nothing too big. We might go over to our dad's for a few hours (though he'll be at the party tomorrow, of course) to hang out with him and our step-mom for a bit.
12/26: Possible Christmas at step-grandma's, it depends on how she feels. Even when she feels good, though, these parties are usually only 3 or 4 hours at most. Just some time to eat and chat and such. Nothing big.
12/27-12/29: I don't think there's anything going on those days so- freedom!
12/30: Christmas party at my Aunt's place. This is gonna be nightmare levels of rough because, again, I'm only going to this to see one or two people, but I'm REALLY not looking forward to seeing my Aunt Alice, her husband, or their daughter. They're judgemental as hell and give only the most backhanded of compliments (if they give compliments at all). I'll probably come home from this feeling drained and maybe even wanting to cry so... ya know. Not likely to be a good day. Hopefully it'll be short.
After that, I go back to work on the 2nd or 3rd (gotta wait for the call) to learn how to substitute in the kitchen (because I told them to put me anywhere except bus monitoring). Dunno how much I'll be subbing in there, but they want to get me trained which will be at least 2 or 3 days of short shifts.
I also need to find time post-Christmas to make a phone call to cancel our internet service for our old place because APPARENTLY they didn't disconnect it despite me saying that we DON'T FUCKING LIVE THERE ANYMORE. So guess who just spent an extra $110 on wifi that I don't even have or use at a place that I haven't lived for almost 2 months now?? And then another $145 on top of that for the wifi service at our current address? Seriously, fuck corporations.
So, yeah. Busy busy busy. I'll try to be about when I have time, though!
I hope you all are having a nice holiday season <3))
#ooc.#((I already feel overwhelmed from the holiday season ya'll. This is why I don't like the holidays...))
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New Year's Resolutions 2024.
We're going for simple but profound life improvements this year.
I don't really feel like resolutions is entirely the right word -- it feels like giving yourself an ultimatum, which isn't how I see this purpose, or the tone, of my practice. They're more an acknowledgement of aspirations, a voicing of intentions to help clarify the path I want to take that year.
In 2024, I am making choices to bring more joy, more art, more rest and relief, and more connection with people I love into my life.
write to mum every day. For mum's early Christmas present, I gave her a day planner with a beautiful cover (Van Gogh, one of her favourites), but she never got to use it. I've taken to the idea of writing to her every day, since the thought I've been having most frequently this month, about little inconsequential things, is "I wish I could tell mum about this."
.
make a memory book. More of a scrapbook than a typical photo album. I want to make a memory book of my mum, all the things I don't want to forget about her, and all the things I want to celebrate and reminsce fondly about. I've kept so many little bits and pieces over the years, like ticket stubs and cards, which I now feel was subconsciously for this exact purpose.
.
take care of myself. In many ways, 2023 was a good year for this goal, but 2024 can absolutely be better. I intend to sleep well, eat well, exercise, do things that are enjoyable as often as possible, and say no + use my time for myself. I see it as infinitely more precious at the moment, and I'm not happy any longer to give it away to just anyone who wants for free labour.
.
dress for fun. Another continuation of 2023, but also another that can be improved. I can for sure get weirder with it.
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make art. This is one I am so looking forward to. I've really missed it, and in some ways regret that I've prioritised nearly every other thing over this one. But not anymore. I'm excited to draw again, and do craft, and write when the mood strikes.
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read for pleasure. Another one that fell to the wayside again and again in my pursuit of productivity and trying to finish my thesis, and work, and volunteer, and be social, and keep on top of life admin.
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play games. Ditto above! I get too much fun from playing games not to do it more often.
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run (and play in?) tabletop games. In some ways, this folds in under both 'make art' and 'play games' but I feel it combines the two enough as a distinct third option to count for another goal. I particularly want to run Dread again, and try out some other kinds of tabletop / board games too.
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go on outings more often. I have a year pass to the aquarium that I want to start using ASAP, and I want to visit the botanic gardens more often. It's a beautiful place and really nice to walk around, so will be an ideal place to get a little more exercise into my life as well. Likewise, I'm looking forward to going to see theatre further afield, and visit more galleries and museums.
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decorate home / start renovations. We've decided it's about time to start seriously making some changes to our home, which is exciting but also a bit anxiety-inducing. We're fairly confident the first port of call will be installing aircon, followed by kitchen renovations and electrical work throughout the house. That's going to make such a huge difference to the QOL (quality of lighting) and the functionality of the kitchen / living space and desk areas.
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connect more with friends + family. I've sacrificed a lot of time with family and friends to keep afloat with work and my dissertation etc., and while I know that was a sensible decision, it's not a situation I want to keep living in. I would rather achieve less and spend more time with the people that are important to me.
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submit thesis. It feels a bit silly to put this here when it's so close to done at this point already, but it's still worth acknowledging -- and also celebrating. It's hard that my mum won't be here to see me graduate, or read what I've spent all this time working on, but I know she wouldn't want that to detract from the experience for me so I'm trying to walk the fine line of pride / satisfaction and grief as I travel down this final stretch.
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manage workload better. Work is usually fine, but the busy periods really slam me and I have to really struggle to keep afloat in that environment. I've assessed the problems and have started to put things in place so I'm not being overloaded, and I think that + some recent talks I've had with my manager will make a big difference in how that all happens this year coming.
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The Egg Laying of Mrs. Easter Bunny - Chapter 3
Buttercup just stared at Bambii in shock, unable to process the words he had just said.
"Before you marry me, you should know..." Bambii continued hesitantly, "The Mrs. Easter Bunny... it's up to her to lay all the eggs for Easter."
Another silence.
And then Buttercup started squealing. She just stood there and let it all out, jittering all over with the pure amazement of it all.
Bambii was watching her with wide eyes, and Buttercup realized he must be thinking she was horrified. She was totally NOT horrified, she had to let him know.
"YES!" She cried out, "I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I'd love to be Mrs. Easter Bunny! I LOVE it! Being with you AND laying all the eggs in the Universe? Oh my goodness, I can't believe this is really happening! Can this be true!? YES!"
Bambii just looked at her taken aback. "You mean, you actually want...?"
"I mean no, yes, this is perfect! So you're really saying I get to lay all the Easter Eggs, for millions and millions of children, every single year?"
Bambii nodded uncertainly.
Buttercup started chortling to herself, "Oh my goodness, that's gotta hurt so bad! This is so perfect. I am gonna hate this so much! And by that I mean this is the most hilarious thing in my life!"
Bambii just stared at her, "You're actually looking forward to this?"
"I've spent my whole life watching chickens lay eggs just wondering what it's like to be in that kind of situation. I always hoped I would have bunnies someday, but I never dared to hope to think that I may actually have a chance to lay actual real live eggs myself (Bunnies are sort of sad that way). But now you're saying that if I become the Mrs. Easter Bunny, I will do it every single year, millions and millions of unbelievably painful eggs?" Buttercup gasped through all her words. "Of course I'm in!" She looked at them, eyes glowing, "It's like destiny!"
Mrs. Easter Bunny and Bambii exchanged glances. This was definitely not the expected response.
Mrs. Easter Bunny stepped forward, "I'm going to warn you not to step into this role lightly, this is not an easy task," Mrs. Easter Bunny warned, "you're going to regret your life. I was born into this job, the past Mr. Easter Bunny was actually was a normal Bunny until he married me, I've been doing this my whole life, and most the time I still don't feel like I'm ready for it."
Buttercup's face just glowed. "Is it weird that that makes me want to do it more?"
"Some," Bambii admitted. "You're a masochist, aren't you?"
Buttercup giggled to herself, "I think..."
Bambii blinked. "Okay then."
Mrs. Easter Bunny looked at her seriously. "I don't think you know what you're in for, this is pain, real excruciating pain, non-stop until all the eggs are laid. Rabbit's bodies aren't meant to give birth to something as big as eggs, and there are millions of them."
"I know!" Buttercup marveled, "Imagine me screaming for my dear Soul, unable to stop it."
Mrs. Easter Bunny just looked unfazed, "You don't even really know what pain is, do you?"
"Oh I know pain alright," Buttercup said, "Got this really painful blister on my foot the other... day, just the thought of putting too much pressure on it..." She shivered, "I can't even. I'm guessing egg laying is much, much worse. No amount of reflexes can pull you away. Oh the intensity of it, IT'S JUST GOTTA BE SO EPIC!"
Mrs. Easter Bunny just rolled her eyes. "Well, about that blister, I'm sure you've both had a very long night. If we're really going to do this, I advised you all get rested up. I'll show you to your room, uh..."
"Buttercup."
"Buttercup. But I must again warn you, once you settle down for this marriage, there'll no going back. Not that I'll be missing out on anything, I'm done with my work for this year, and if you take my place, I'll never have to see another egg again. But again, I know what I'm talking about here."
"Of course. Must be pretty bad with how you keep talking about it. And that's what makes it so great, unlike putting weight on the blister, you can't back out of an egg once it starts, all you can do is let it overtake you and scream through the flow!"
Mrs. Easter Bunny shook her head, "You are one strange little rabbit."
"I know, I love it!"
With that, Mrs. Easter Bunny led the way toward the Bedrooms. Buttercup turned back to give Bambii a last fluttering look before following after his mother.
Bambii realized they had got so caught up in their conversation, Mrs. Easter Bunny had totally forgotten their invitation to meal. Oh well, he was tired from his night's travels, he'd just as well grab a quick snack from the fridge before hitting the bed.
Buttercup's room was cheery with bright blue wallpaper and pinky-like trimmings, very Eastery and such. Her bed was kind of eggy-shaped, with the softest looking mattress of all time. Buttercup had never seen such coziness in her life.
"This is my room!" She gasped. "I love the Eastery colors!"
Mrs. Easter Bunny nodded, "I still don't think you know what you're getting yourself into, but even though the work is hard, this place is home. If you choose to stay here, we'll see to it that your off-time is worth your while. Now get some rest, I'm sure you're tired and even a masochist can enjoy a little relaxation time every once in awhile."
"You bet!" Buttercup exclaimed, leaping into the cozy bed, absorbing its warmth and softness. Mrs. Easter Bunny rolled her eyes and turned to leave. Back at the door, she paused and turned to look at Buttercup.
"I'm a little worried about leaving you in here by yourself?"
"Of course I'll be fine," Buttercup exclaimed, "I'm only really into incidental pain really, pain that happens because that's the way things are. It's not very funny when it's intentionally inflicted. When it just happens, it's like an inevitable joke to my hilarious body."
Mrs. Easter Bunny sighed, "Well then, just keep yourself safe, okay."
And with that, she left Buttercup the room to her own.
As Buttercup laid in her bed, curling bunnily under the snuggy blankets, she embraced the coziness never before.
Someday, her little body would be under the poor clutches of pure agony, but right now, she had never felt such comfiness. And somehow, they both seemed so perfect, she couldn't even.
The next day, Bambii and Mrs. Easter Bunny gave Buttercup a tour of the factory.
"So, what's all this business about me laying the eggs?" Buttercup questioned the first chance she got, excited for any more info she could get.
"You see," Mrs. Easter Bunny replied, "The missus lays all the eggs for Easter morning while the mister gathers and sorts them out. From Passover to Good Friday this continues non-stop, then on Easter Eve, both Easter Bunny's go out to hide the eggs for children all over the world, if the Missus is so up for the task after all that work that is."
"Non-stop! Won't I need to eat and drink?" Buttercup's eyes went wide, "I imagine it's pretty easy to regurgitate all your food when feeling contractions, won't I starve if I can't get anything down?"
Mrs. Easter Bunny nodded, "For some unknown reason, while laying, the need to eat and drink is mysteriously eliminated. Don't ask me, there's no explanation, it just is."
"What about sleep? Laying all those eggs, I'm sure to get tired."
"It's exhausting yes, but you won't get tired, as in when you do a lot of exercise, your body may want to stop and rest, but you'll feel wide awake the whole time, you won't necessarily feel an immediate need to sleep."
"What about the Bambii, won't he feel tired from all his work?"
"Unfortunately, yes, he won't have magical eggs inside him to continually renourish his body, so he'll still need to rest."
"So while I'm morbidly tortured by my own body 24/7, my sweetheart is going to be off napping in some cozy sleep somewhere?"
"Well, not 24/7, you do get Sundays off." Mrs. Easter Bunny explained, "Look at it as your Lenten Fasting if you observe such things. If not, yeah, it is kind of just meaningless torture."
Bambii looked away a little guiltily, "I'll still be available any time you need me, just call."
There was a moment's silence.
Then Bambii couldn't hold it back anymore. "I'm sorry. We don't make the rules for this place, they just happen. There is no shame in backing out-"
"Are you kidding?" Buttercup exclaimed, "I have never felt so amused over my existence in my entire life. The fact that such weirdness is about to become my life, this place is perfect for me!"
Mrs. Easter Bunny shook her head, once again flabbergasted by this girl's persona. Well, she'd tried. Bambii just stared at Buttercup. He'd never understand this girl. But she was cute this way though.
"So..." Buttercup said, "If I'm to lay all the eggs, then what's the point of all this big factory?"
Bambii looked at her, "Fortunately, there is more to Easter than just eggs," he explained, "Many families have many different traditions, and many families have grown to enjoy candies and goody baskets as well. Here at the Easter Bunny factory, we make the finest candy in the world." As he said this, he led her into a giant room with the most impressive candy making machinery she had ever seen. Blue, and red, and other birds fluttered here and there working on the chocolate and taffy machines and stuff making sure work got done.
"I thought you said I laid all the eggs." Buttercup said.
"Oh no," said Bambii, "These birds just work the machines, they don't actually lay any eggs, well except when they do," (Birds were weird that way) "but not the Easter Eggs or anything, they just work on the candy and goody baskets."
But Buttercup just scowled, fazed by the setup, but completely unfazed, "So plastic eggs basically."
"Oh no," Mrs. Easter Bunny assured her, "Those are laid by the Missus too. Just the goodies we put in the goody baskets come from here. Anything that comes in an egg, that comes from you. Even the plastic eggs." Buttercup's eyes went wide, "Again, don't ask me how it works, it has no logic."
"You could have told me that earlier! That's awesome! And here I was denouncing them and all things plastic, when they are just as wonderful as anything else in this place! Those like hinges on the sides, those are pretty uncomfortable laying them, aren't they?"
"You have no idea," Mrs. Easter Bunny sighed.
"Perfect," Buttercup awed. But then she turned back to the subject. "So I'm gonna assume we don't poo chocolate covered raisins or anything though, right? Yeah, that'd probably be too much. Egg Laying is just enough, more funny anyway. Only girls do it. Poo is too Universal, kinda boring."
Mrs. Easter Bunny looked at Bambii, "This is the type of girl you go for?"
Bambii just shrugged.
Buttercup looked at her Mr. Easter Bunny, at the wonderful world around them. This is the world Bambii had invited her into, this is the world he wanted to share with her, Bambii so cute and fun. She completely loved him for this.
Bambii stood on the stage at the end of the aisle.
They had spent the last few months getting stuff together, dating, making sure this was the absolute perfect fit (it was). Buttercup obviously loved that she'd actually be an epic Egg Layer, but she also really liked Bambii, and he really liked her. They NEEDED to get married, they were so just CUTE together! They just made eachother so happy just by looking at eachother, and joking, and just having fun. Ship #1!
And now it was FINALLY time for their wedding.
As Buttercup made her way up the aisle in her flowing Blue and Pink Build-a-Bear-Stuffy Wedding Dress, she looked up at Bambii in his fancy black suit with white undershirt (which was kind of weird honestly as that pretty much matched his fur color anyway). But he was so cute and abortable in that fancy little bunny suit, she just couldn't help but giggle to herself.
Once she was on stage, and Pastor Blue Bird, Blue Jr. read the vows, Buttercup looked at her future huzzy-wuzzy, oh how she loved him so much.
"Bambii, do you take this bunny to be your beloved wedded wife?" Blue Jr. asked.
"I do," Bambii said.
"And Buttercup," Blue Jr. continued, "Are you willing to take your place in the Easter Bunny family and take Bambii to be your beloved wedded husband."
Buttercup just looked at Bambii, the grin on her face growing. "I do!"
"Then I now pronounce you husband and wife." Blue Jr. said.
At that, Buttercup let out a squeal and threw herself at Bambii. "I love you! I love you! I LUV YOU!" she screamed, smothering him with cuddles.
Blue Jr. just sighed. "I didn't even say 'you can now kiss the bride' yet," he mumbled to himself, unheard over the excitement. So, sighing to himself, he just gathered his things and headed off the stage.
Finally, Bambii managed to gather himself, "Okay, okay. Where did you want to go for our honeymoon? I know we already traveled pretty far together last Easter, so..."
Buttercup finally let herself take a step back, "Actually, I joined you pretty late on your trip around the world, we can still go pretty much anywhere." She paused, "How about EASTER ISLAND."
Bambii looked at her.
Buttercup giggled, "I'm joking. You probably thought 'Not again' 'we always go there on vacations and honeymoons and stuff'. Here, I got it better. Howabout..." Buttercup stopped. She actually couldn't think of any cities with Egg Laying references in their names to be honest.
"No, Easter Island's fine." Bambii said finally, "Us Easter Bunny's actually have a pretty good traditional Honeymoon spot there. Just wanted to check with you first."
"Okay," Buttercup said, "Easter Island it is."
So that is how the new Mrs. Easter Bunny came to be part of the Easter Bunny family. She knew that pretty soon she'd get her chance to lay super epic eggs for the children of the world, but right now she was on her way to her honeymoon with her super huggy-wuggy huzzy-wuzzy, and how she loved him so right now.
She'd just have to hold off on having bunnies with him for the moment, she didn't want to spoil the moment when she actually laid her first eggs. Didn't want to be having babies left and right like any other rabbit until she experienced the epicness of Egg Laying first, that was for sure.
But with that in mind, Bambii at her side, there was sure still going to be plenty of cuddling on this honeymoon, you could count on that.
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It's a late night/early morning autism thought but i feel the need to scream at the void tonight for reasons.
A little context, I'm afab and I'm not diagnosed. I've been having doubts since i was ~14 years old, I'm 24 now. A detail i feel is important before i start: when i was a kid, my mother was the director of a centre social (i can't find the translation, it was basically a daycare for children with disabilities), and she worked with low functioning autistic kids for a good few years. I have a little brother who is 7 years younger than me.
We're around the table for dinner, and we're exchanging anecdotes. My mother's is: I'm 8 years old, my teacher recommends my mother to screen me for autism, but since i do not behave like the kids she had at work, she doesn't take the question seriously. Of course, I'm not autistic, I speak well and I'm actually really good in class! They consider putting me a grade above. They don't, because they think I'm too dependant on my sister, who is a year older: i only hangout with her and her friends, and it would be better if i managed to get my own friends in my own class, for a change.
I will spend the rest of my school years reading books and doodling in class, bored, and still struggling to make friends. And that teacher will simply stay silly for bringing up autism about a child who doesn't have a meltdown when she's touched.
Fast forwards, my little brother is 14 years old and since my parents' divorce is acting out: meltdowns, lashing out, refusing to go to school, intense anxiety attacks. My mother accepts to screen him for autism, he gets a diagnosis: he's on the spectrum.
A few months later, I'm talking with my mother. She tells me that she regrets not having noticed his autism earlier; she tells me that she never thought he could be, because he's always behaved just like me! So she assumed we were both just regular kids doing kid things.
Now, of course there's a lot more to the story, a lot of variables and influences I can't get into without turning this into an autobiography. But that is a sentence that crushed me so much, even if it was just a offhand comment.
You were just a picky eater, you were just academically gifted, you were just shy, you were just a loner, you were just really passionate about history. You didn't like to be in public; you didn't like loud noises and eye contact; you ripped the tags out of your shirts; you would put on earbuds and stare at the ground for hours - literally - while muttering stories to yourself. That kid is just in her own little world, in her bubble!
And all of that was just quirky. It was just annoying or funny or looking for attention. Anecdotes! Your friends laugh, then tell their own funny kid stories.
Meanwhile I'm 24 and still wondering if i should get diagnosed. Convinced that I might be making it up for attention, or something. Struggling for an entire decade with feelings of othering and incomprehension of the world around me, but also a fear of being wrong about it. I still rip the tags off, I still only eat canned peas - not frozen - and cringe at bubbles in drinks and don't touch seafood, I still wear those damn earbuds everywhere and stare at the ground, I still don't do eye contact.
And I'm being told that the reason why my brother's autism was screened so late is because I was never diagnosed.
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19.04.24
After a busy shift at work, I met with the manager of the service (who's also a dietitian) and to say it was tough would be a massive understatement. I only saw her for 10/ 15 minutes and it left me in floods of tears. She said she didn't understand why I was restricting, that I needed to get on with following my meal plan, and "put (my) big girl pants on". I felt so hurt and frustrated. I had 12 days left of the 28 day notice THEY had given and absolutely nowhere to go, no assessments for anywhere, nothing.
I was confused, hurt and terrified due to the situation I had found myself in and yet she was the one who didn't understand. It didn't help she went on to day that moving to somewhere new was exciting. It probably would be if I were actually ready to do so, but I'm far from it!
After speaking to the manager, I saw the clinical lead from residential, I was given an update that I wasn't expecting to hear. I can stay at residential for 3 more months while my home team looks for a suitable placement. If nowhere is found, a 28-day notice will once again be given, but that is the absolute longest they are willing to have me for. So I have until mid-July, ideally, mid-August at the latest.
I asked if it was because of my risk that they were doing this. Her answer was fair, but I could tell she was sad and regretful. She went through the past 5 years, and I've been to the general psych 3 times because my depression became so bad that I constantly seriously contemplated ending my life. Attempts were made, and ultimately, they didn't feel they could support me.
The final straw was me going quiet and keeping things about how I was feeling etc to myself. They know that is a major sign that I'm planning to end my life. They felt up out of their depth and worried for my safety. Also, the housing manager who has worked with a lot of clients who were suicidal (some did take their lives) would always say that with me it's not a case of if, it's a case of when as unlike 90% of people who say they're suicidal (they want something to be different, but not actually die) I actually do want to end my life as I've had enough.
At the end of the day, they are an ED residential facility with unlocked doors, and the house is not equipped with non ligature points. Plus, the staff aren't particularly trained in mental health issues, especially severe and chronic depression like I have. Even though my ED is still very much an issue, they just don't feel they can keep me safe, and I completely understood where she was coming from.
It feels harder because the past couple of weeks, my mood has ever so slightly improved. I've gone from actively planning to passively thinking about ending my life, which is a major step forward in itself.
I felt very upset, disappointed, and hopeless. I just don't see how anywhere can help me as there aren't any places that treat BOTH severe depression and anorexia. Even the clinical lead agreed and said the NHS were failing people like me.
She said that if I'm able to use their service over the next 3 months, hopefully, I'll be in a place where I can manage my ED better and be ready for a less intensive ED supported environment.
At the end of our session, she told me I was so important and would always hold a special place in her heart, as well as the service. She asked if she could give me a hug and as she did, tears welled up all over again and it seemed like she was admitting defeat.
I wish all of this had been explained to me before they gave me a 28-day notice.
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I tend to keep a lot of my "vulnerable" feelings a bit bottled up lol BUT I am working on that lol I of course appreciate you sooo much! Even before I claimed the 💜emoji, I HEAVILY related to your MC's like there were so many similarities in their personality and struggles that for a second got a little TOO REAL lol And to know you put alot of yourself into your stories and characters it felt nice to know that I wasn't alone in feeling like that. Sometimes it feels like something is so wrong with me when it gets tough so knowing that my feelings aren't so strange made/makes me feel alright :) idk if any of that made sense lol
omg don't even get me started when parents trauma dump 😭 idk if i mentioned this before or not but Im first gen Mexican American so literally Mexican parents/elders will literally tell you the most TRAUMATZING stories/experiences then go to say shit like "it's okay, thank god we are better now😁" LIKE HELLO!? WE NEED TO UNPACK THAT?!
I often think if I would be "happier" if I had just chosen a semester school bc I despise this horrid system lol But youre so kind, you have no idea😭
OMG YOU THINK I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE??? thats crazy bc I feel like mine isn't too crazy or fun lol I have a small core group of friends but the majority of them aren't in school and the friends I do have in college i feel like I rarely seem them due to all of us being so busy lol But ngl i do love going to the free events there like concerts and drag shows WHICH ARE MY FAVE!!! but even then hanging out can sometimes be a little draining for me but once again Im trying to work on that lol.
But bestie you graduated early?! That's really cool! And that is such a big accomplishment! And I can't blame you for wanting your Friends moment like who wouldn't want that?! I wanted a cute little college romance but instead Im over hear falling for my professor lol OH i forgot to mention I have a cute TA in one of my psyc classes so Im saying sorry in advance for how annoying I will be about him 😔
AH you know I love you Sam! You seriously are someone I look forward to chatting with!-💜
I totally get the bottling your feelings up. I think Tulips is most like that. She has some issues (she, being me). I'm glad feeling relatable was a comfort for you. I know it's a comfort for me and I think one of the NICEST things about writing on here is that there are actually many people share the same feelings as me (us). Way more than I thought. It's kind of isolating day-to-day so it's nice to know it doesn't have to be.
HEY RANDOM!!! do you know your Myer's Brigg Personality? I am a HUGE personality test taker. Those buzzfeed ones that were like "What toaster are you?" literally obsessed. or the soldier, poet, king test? Any of them! I love them. It might be a little confirmation bias-y in my own personality but I don't care; I love them. HAHAHAHHAHA I did one for a job years ago I would have to dig it out to remember what the actual test was but i think it was like your big 5 qualities in the work place. Anyway, it made me think of more ways we could be similar (I'm an INFJ - (T) but if I use my teacher persona I can be convinced to be an ENFJ --but I'm a major introvert at heart obvi)
My mom and I are very similar. My bf has some pretty convincing theories about how my mom used to be like my sister and then turned into me when she had kids because she had to be responsible. So her trauma dumping often includes a lot of regrets and worries. You've mentioned your Mexican-American heritage before and I've seen a lot in the media (I know it's not exactly the same and probs also childish of me to rely on Disney for media but Encanto and Coco I feel like were semi-good examples--please don't think the worst of me if you disagree) Encanto especially--Grandma has some things to talk through. That's a lot to unload on you (or anyone!). Again, nice to know it's relatable even if it's sad sometimes. At least I'm not alone! 💕
UGH I can't wait to write TA Harry 😍 You could NEVER be annoying. I want the play-by-play PLEASE it will be the best inspo and I need to live vicariously!!! I've never been to a drag show but definitely on the list of things I'd like to attend! I fall into the latter part of your sentence there. I refrain from doing a lot of things because I'm already so busy on a regular day I don't want to do anything that will require energy when I don't need to use it HAHAHAHA
You're so sweet, thank you. At the time graduating early felt like a really big deal. Now I feel like it doesn't mean much. I guess it saved me some money right? There isn't much I won't do for a coupon 😂
Love you! Hope your week is being good to you!
xoxo
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I'm afraid my thoughts on Vidumavi aren't very cohesive or original but here goes. I've always felt sympathy for her because I'm sure the Gondorian nobles were not very welcoming to a foreigner and I'm sure the Numenorean superiority complex came to the fore, particularly from families who might have preferred their daughters to marry Valacar. I definitely think she'd need a lot of grit to get through that but I also wonder if she didn't regret making such an effort to conform to Gondorian cultural norms and standards of behaviour and I'm sure she felt cut off from her culture and her people. (Although I do like to comfort myself with visions of her speaking to her children in her mother tongue and singing them songs from her childhood and calling them by their proper names in private.) And on that note her renaming always fills me with rage, as if she and Vinitharya can't be accepted as they are, as if their origin and their true names are something which need to be repackaged and Gondor-ified to make them palatable. The attitude is painfully realistic and it always fills me with rage. I get that a lot of people in tolkien's universe have multiple names but in this case it just makes me uncomfortable.
An aspect I find particularly interesting is comparing her to Beruthiel. They're both foreign to Gondor but both react differently and are treated differently. Vidumavi conforms to Gondorian society (at least outwardly) and gives her husband a son. For this she is accepted into Gondor's history as an admirable figure. Beruthiel completely refuses to do either of these things and is villainised. (Although I take quite a lot about Beruthiel with a pinch of salt because I personally think a lot of her reputation is a smear campaign from her husband but anyway) I just think it's interesting that they must both have felt cut off from their people and felt lonely and I wonder if Vidumavi's memory in Gondorian history might have been more like Beruthiel's if she had refused to adapt or not given Valacar children. I often wonder what sort of support network each of them had. I'm sure Vidumavi got a fair bit of support and understanding from Valacar, if from few other people in Gondorian noble circles but I seriously doubt Beruthiel got anything like that. Beruthiel even seems to have suffered from the same renaming as Vidumavi did, since Beruthiel sounds Sindarin and I don't think if I remember correctly that the Black Numenoreans used Sindarin, meaning that Beruthiel was probably renamed just like Vidumavi was, an action that I am sure she did not take kindly to.
Anyway, sorry for the long rambling ask but thank you very much for letting me share all of this! (And much looking forward to your fic about Vidumavi and Valacar!)
The image of Vidumavi speaking to her children in her mother-tongue is so lovely and powerful. There are a lot of variables, similarities between the two of them are so interesting and you put it very well.
The question of Vidumavi's internal regrets...So much going on there, in the first years (love the courtly intrigues, you're so right!), and, especially, I think, as she aged and her family remained long-lived while her people in the North were living their own shorter lives where she could not be a part of them.
Re: the what if Vidumavi did not have children, it might have lead to Castamir inheriting, assuming Valacar did not marry again, and to a second downfall into greater mortality-obsession - thank goodness for Eldacar! Berúthiel's first name is a fascinating question, too. Her lack of network (except for a cat network, which does not count) is truly tragic.
So sorry for taking so long to answer! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts @hobbitwrangler, they're so interesting and have made me think more deeply about both of them. If you ever write either of them, I would so love to read it! <3
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Tuesday, September 5th: Dolly, get me through
It's days like this that make me wish I smoked. Not that I regret having clean lungs and all, it's just something soothing to do with my hands while I look off into the sunset of a hard day's work. Had I been born in any other generation or simply a European country, I would have been a smoker. A leathery, yellow-toothed, halitosis-ridden BABE. Sexy as fuck as I chase the work day into night with my nicotine-shaking hands.
Instead, I had to settle for chewing a thumbnail off and taking one solitary toke of my joint because I have such a low tolerance for weed and am not drinking alcohol this month. Lame.
Today was a productive one though, with or without a little treat after. Dolly Parton's 9-to-5 was pumping from my Spotify while I worked my ass off from 6 am to 4 pm and took a 27-minute run on my lunch break (average pace 9 miles an hour).
Another indicator of things changing? My older pairs of jeans are all too tight. My muscle gain has left the delusional corners of my head and entered reality as they are now skin-tight. I felt proud of my slightly-less-chicken-like legs and threw out my old jeans. It was like the scene from ACOSF when Nesta needs new fighting leathers. In fact, a pair of leather leggings that I got from Aritzia years ago and kept for when I finally "got in shape", now fit me perfectly.
Today's Half-Baked Harvest meal was another bougie toast: I toasted some sourdough bread, coated the bottom with pesto sauce, broke a ball of burrata over it, sliced some rainbow cherry tomatoes, torn basil leaves, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, pepper, and sea salt. Mmmmm.
The guy who asked for my number at Palmy's yesterday followed up with a book recommendation. He's sweet but I'm literally going to therapy tomorrow because of how much I don't trust men. Seriously, I'm considering making any interested men put down a security deposit for all of the emotional damage to my ego. I'll thank him for the recommendation, but no more.
As my spiritual leader, Mathew McConaughey, has taught me: sometimes you need to give people a yellow light so you can have your green light in peace.
He was talking about putting boundaries on people interested in his fame, but either way, we don't feel like having a stranger fuck with our peace.
When I finally allowed myself to shut the laptop, I went outside to the lounger and laid back in my green floral dress with the sleeves and my hair around my shoulders. I meditated for 11 minutes on not letting anger, or any kind of emotion, create a feedback loop. To step back and acknowledge my emotions with compassion rather than step forward with absorption. Then my mind unpleasantly spiraled towards Morgan. It's been a year since we've talked.
I wonder who she's angrier at? Me for telling her the truth in an explosively bitchy way, or herself, for trying to cheat on Nathan blacked out? I suppose it doesn't matter. People leave your life for a reason, sometimes you leave theirs. I'm starting to realize that shit wasn't my fault. And that I probably would never have gotten this healthy if I hadn't stopped being the person I was back then. That includes the people I ran around in vicious circles with.
I forgive her. I forgive myself. No, I'm not reopening that chapter. I don't need everyone like I used to. When you're not your own friend, you'll accept some pretty shitty ones. When you're your own friend, you protect yourself enough that you don't go looking for chaos when you're understimulated. You don't confuse lack of purpose for boredom and you don't confuse boredom for loneliness or sex for company. Or drinking as a hobby.
Or a cigarette for a cherry.
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