leaving-anorexia-behind
My Journey away from Anorexia
*Triggering Content* This blog is a place for me to vent and talk about life with anorexia, depression and PTSD, that I hope one day I will soon recover from. Currently in residential and struggling so please read with caution.
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19.04.24
After a busy shift at work, I met with the manager of the service (who's also a dietitian) and to say it was tough would be a massive understatement. I only saw her for 10/ 15 minutes and it left me in floods of tears. She said she didn't understand why I was restricting, that I needed to get on with following my meal plan, and "put (my) big girl pants on". I felt so hurt and frustrated. I had 12 days left of the 28 day notice THEY had given and absolutely nowhere to go, no assessments for anywhere, nothing.
I was confused, hurt and terrified due to the situation I had found myself in and yet she was the one who didn't understand. It didn't help she went on to day that moving to somewhere new was exciting. It probably would be if I were actually ready to do so, but I'm far from it!
After speaking to the manager, I saw the clinical lead from residential, I was given an update that I wasn't expecting to hear. I can stay at residential for 3 more months while my home team looks for a suitable placement. If nowhere is found, a 28-day notice will once again be given, but that is the absolute longest they are willing to have me for. So I have until mid-July, ideally, mid-August at the latest.
I asked if it was because of my risk that they were doing this. Her answer was fair, but I could tell she was sad and regretful. She went through the past 5 years, and I've been to the general psych 3 times because my depression became so bad that I constantly seriously contemplated ending my life. Attempts were made, and ultimately, they didn't feel they could support me.
The final straw was me going quiet and keeping things about how I was feeling etc to myself. They know that is a major sign that I'm planning to end my life. They felt up out of their depth and worried for my safety. Also, the housing manager who has worked with a lot of clients who were suicidal (some did take their lives) would always say that with me it's not a case of if, it's a case of when as unlike 90% of people who say they're suicidal (they want something to be different, but not actually die) I actually do want to end my life as I've had enough.
At the end of the day, they are an ED residential facility with unlocked doors, and the house is not equipped with non ligature points. Plus, the staff aren't particularly trained in mental health issues, especially severe and chronic depression like I have. Even though my ED is still very much an issue, they just don't feel they can keep me safe, and I completely understood where she was coming from.
It feels harder because the past couple of weeks, my mood has ever so slightly improved. I've gone from actively planning to passively thinking about ending my life, which is a major step forward in itself.
I felt very upset, disappointed, and hopeless. I just don't see how anywhere can help me as there aren't any places that treat BOTH severe depression and anorexia. Even the clinical lead agreed and said the NHS were failing people like me.
She said that if I'm able to use their service over the next 3 months, hopefully, I'll be in a place where I can manage my ED better and be ready for a less intensive ED supported environment.
At the end of our session, she told me I was so important and would always hold a special place in her heart, as well as the service. She asked if she could give me a hug and as she did, tears welled up all over again and it seemed like she was admitting defeat.
I wish all of this had been explained to me before they gave me a 28-day notice.
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18/04/24
So, I survived my appointment with my psychiatrist.
In short, I complained about the way they went about kicking me out of residential. She said she was sorry. So am I. Currently, I feel like I've had all the fight knocked from me, and as bad as it sounds, I've sought comfort from the one predictive thing in my life. My ED.
We moved on to talk about my depression and she said there were a few psychotropic medications/ combinations we could try, but she feels ECT is definitely worth consideration. However, with the current situation and all the uncertainty as to which CMHT I will be under, she felt it was best for me to find somewhere to live first. I agreed.
I mentioned the report written about me by the social worker and how it was so inaccurate, it was almost like I was reading about someone else. The psychiatrist nodded and encouraged me to write a letter to the managers stating the parts I didn't agree with as it was important for the social worker to be made aware. I said I would. When I get around to it, I'm not sure!
The past week or so, I've been slipping backwards. Some of my snacks here and there turned into half a meal. Yesterday I didn't do well at all. It was agreed for me to go out for dinner with my best friend, but no one helped me plan what to have, let alone how it went after. Of course, my ED took advantage, using any excuse to restrict.
I need to get a grip on this and quickly. When talking to my care coordinator later on, she reiterated I don't have any wriggle room as I'm at the bottom of a minimal weight band as it is. Plus, the more I go down the spiral, the more likely it will be I'll end up in another EDU, which she knows I find it so hard to cope with. Not to mention the fact it would really impact being able to work.
One plus side is I won't ever be sent to a general psych ward as every time I've gone, it's made me significantly worse in the time I was there. It's certainly a relief, they simply can't support people with EDs.
In terms of finding somewhere, things seem very slow. My social worker is looking into finances, but there still aren't any potential places I can go. I'm trying to do my own research, but they aren't often advertised online, which makes it trickier.
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12/04/24
Yesterday evening I met with the clinical lead. I was straight to the point and asked if they would reconsider their decision with the 28- day notice. Apparently they feel my risks are just too high and reconsideration wasn't an option. I felt sad and disappointed, but relieved to have been given an answer.
In several ways I know I need to leave. I'm not progressing much and am losing my much cherished independence, the majority of the support workers don't have a clue on mental health yet alone EDs and I find myself getting increasingly frustrated with them. It's also not helped that I'm not receiving the treatment I should be.
That doesn't make leaving easy.
Afterall, I've been in this service since July 2019 and have good rapports with a few staff. I've made my room my sanctuary, have a routine and on the whole feel safe here. Most importantly, it's the only place (aside from IP) that has helped me manage my ED well enough to stay in the community.
Back to the meeting with the clinical lead. She said some strange things to me. For example; if my home team in Kent haven't found me somewhere to live within the 28 day notice, they may have to admit me to a medical ward to keep me safe... I found this bizarre given I'm medically fit and have no need for one.
I reminded her it may take a little time to find the right placement for me, she said that my home team should respect the 28- day notice. They're doing their best! The oddest comment she said was that I need a safer placement to keep me safe such as an EDU with a good psychiatrist. I am not in need of a bed so how she thinks I would be funded for one is beyond me.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm leaving or because nothing makes sense anymore, but I'm definitely disengaging (and so are some of the staff!). If I'm being honest it's making managing my ED really difficult and I'm struggling to remind myself the importance not to slip backwards.
I've decided that if my manager agrees to letting me work remotely (a massive ask I do realise), then I'll go to the rehab house in Kent. This is the ideal situation. If not, I'll move to a placement (preferably my own flat with support) near where I work. This option will take longer to find and tbh I just want to get the move over with so I can adjust.
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10/04/24
Today, I spoke to my care coordinator on the phone (our wifi is terrible!) and it was an interesting catch up for sure. I asked what had been discussed on Monday before I was called into the meeting. Apparently the new therapist had a lot to say about me and my suicidal thoughts, acting like she had known me for years. We had never had a session, only introductions as she started 2 weeks ago! I just found it very odd and my care coordinator agreed.
My care coordinator also said when she spoke to the housing manager, there was a heated discussion as she asked him why he didn't tell me himself. She knew that part was what hurt me most. The housing manager went on to say he was concerned about my suicide risk and the many ligature risks found in my room. They took my hair straighteners and hair dryer and the clinical lead took 3 dressing gown cords (yes, I have 3 dressing gowns...). How is that a lot? My care coordinator was not impressed given the items are hardly contraband!
Apparently a lot of things had been done underhand. From not telling me about kicking me out, to ignoring communications from my home team, not to mention even the support workers who know think it's completely wrong to be kicking out.
We then spoke about the rehab option in Kent. It would be for 6-9 months, I'd have my own room and bathroom and work closely with the ED team (including my care coordinator, psychiatrist and outreach team). It would be to help me develop my independence with the help of a psychiatrist and nursing staff to live in semi-supported accommodation. In fairness it does sound like a really good option, the only problem is it's so far away from my work and friends/ family. However, it would give my social worker time to find a placement that meets my needs in the area I'd like to move to.
I've made my decision. IF I am allowed to stay, I'd like residential to really work with me to develop my independence (plenty of OT work if possible) and only stay until I'm at the point where I can manage in semi-supported accommodation. I'd love to give a time frame but EDs don't seem to work that way! If I have to leave, I'll go to the rehab in Kent and then move closer to work/ friends and family.
I just hope management (here) tell me whether I can stay or not asap.
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05/04/24
Part 2
Yesterday, after work I spoke to the housing manager. We had a long discussion and I made it clear that I felt hurt he hadn't told me and it had to come from my care coordinator instead. He said he had done it out of courtesy and was going to discuss the situation with me once he had a response from my care coordinator/ psychiatrist. He was concerned that given the situation of me being suicidal, that it may make things worse and he was actually a bit annoyed that I had been told so quickly. Ultimately, it's my care and I should be informed.
I asked what the reason was for springing discharge on me. He said they couldn't handle my risk of suicide as a result of my severe depression and that was the primary issue rather than the ED. I do get where he is coming from but they knew I struggle with depression from my previous admission. If that was going to be such an issue I don't understand why they agreed to have me back and ultimately I require more support than a community package for my ED.
Today, I went to work as usual, my own little sanctuary, but as I was leaving I had a call from my social worker and was quickly bought back to reality. They're looking for an alternative placement and one option is to move to Kent and do a 6-9 month stint in another rehab setting more focussed on becoming independent etc. I'm not sure about this option as it's a long way away from my dad and best friend but it may mean I'd lose my job (if I can't work remotely for that time) and I don't know what the set up would be like (I would definitely need my own bathroom).
Now I feel in a no mans land.
I've since had a 2 hour talk with the clinical lead after breaking down completely on a support worker who was unaware of the situation. I cried a lot and explained it wasn't so much the decision, it was the way I found out that hurt. She looked back at me with a mixture of sadness and concern. The fact is I'm not well enough to be in this residential anymore from a depression point of view and although it's not my fault, I'll have to go elsewhere.
I also said how I felt completely unsupported by a few of the staff. They rarely talk to me, never supervise my dinner prep (they're meant to) and generally just don't get it. The clinical lead was actually quite annoyed by it and had quite a go at them. They then tried to pin it on me saying I got quite agitated when they supervised me so wanted to give me space... so much space they just sat at the table (unable to see what I was doing). I pointed out that ofc I'm going to be agitated, I'm doing something really difficult by fighting the ED thoughts, if anything I need their support more, not be ignored.
That's one thing I won't miss about here. Incompetent support workers. Not all of them are ofc but there are definitely far too many of them that shouldn't be working in this setting, and I'm not the only one that thinks that (both staff and residents have said the same thing).
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04/04/24
TW
So much has changed in the past few days. Last weekend I went against advice to visit my friends and family in Essex. In my mind it was my final way of saying goodbye to them as I had planned to end my life tomorrow. Only, my friend caught onto how much I was struggling and got quite upset. It caught me off guard completely as I had gone there with every intention to be happier and joke around. Ultimately, I wanted to leave her with a nice memory of me.
We had just finished our pizza and as she cried, I held her hand, desperately trying to backtrack and reassure her I'd be ok. I couldn't think of what to say, so I listened. She said she would be completely devastated if she heard I had gone and that she would be lost without me. I truly didn't think I made much of an impact in anyone's lives and believe(d) they would be better off without me, but seeing the pain in her eyes forced me to re-evaluate.
I thought long and hard for the few days that followed and decided that as soon as the housing manager came back from his Easter leave I would open up and finally lay my cards on the table. That being my depression is crippling me, I'm seriously struggling with active suicidal thoughts, but after the interaction with my friend, I feel I owe it to her and all my loved ones to hold on a little longer.
I was working 2 days ago when I received the news.
Not long into my working day (I hadn't had a chance to talk to the housing manager) my care coordinator emailed me as she wanted to speak to me asap. We agreed half 2pm (as soon as I finished).
I've been served my 28 day notice by my housing manager, meaning I will have to leave residential and find somewhere else to live. I thought I would be more disappointed or maybe angry but I actually felt more hurt that the housing manager hadn't come to me about it first and that there had been no prior warning.
My care co also spoke about treatments moving forwards as it's clear that my medications and past therapies haven't helped enough, so we spoke about an alternative treatment. ECT. She said that my depression is severe and chronic and something needs to happen. I agreed and said I would be open to the idea of ECT. Afterall, what do I have to lose when I'm seriously considering taking my life anyway? She's going to email my psychiatrist to suggest the idea.
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30/03/24
How has my mood not picked up yet? How am I still so sad? Last weekend was my best friends wedding and tbh I really struggled. I was exhausted after just the journey of getting there (it took 4 hours) and an early morning rise after a sleepless night certainly didn't help. The actual day couldn't have gone more smoothly, my bestie looked breathtakingly beautiful and we danced until midnight. I was so proud of her and even more honoured that she chose me to be her maid of honour. I just wish my mood wasn't so continuously low for the duration of it.
The problem is I can't talk about how I feel anymore as the last time I did, I ended up sectioned in a psych ward which did far more damage than anything. Only, that makes the staff increasingly concerned so the housing manager emailed my new psychiatrist who advised him to contact the crisis team. Yesterday, he did, but luckily for me they were useless and nothing much came of it.
I only really talk to 2 supports workers but one only works 2 nights a week (by then I'm usually in bed) and the other who used to based permanently here has been moved to another house. The other support workers here are mostly new, have no experience of mental health let alone EDs and just don't get it. My therapist is a student and it's safe to say she lacks confidence and the housing manager and clinical lead are always so busy. For a house full of staff, I feel very alone and I'm not the only one who feels this way.
We've got a new dietitian starting soon but in the mean time the manager of the service (whose also a dietitian) is filling in for the mean time and we're all pretty nervous. She's super strict! We also have a new OT and a new therapist starting so hopefully that will improve things.
Until then, I'm visiting my hometown to see my friend (she's recently been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer) for dinner and then staying with my parents as tomorrow they're having some of the family over for lunch.
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16/03/24
TW Part 1
It's been another strange few weeks. I read the report written by the social worker I was assessed by and I was taken back at how inaccurate it was. From seemingly minor things like writing I went to uni in Southend when I actually went to uni in Canterbury, to things like I supposedly don't notice when my mood is deteriorating...
I do notice when my mood is deteriorating but my mood becoming low is typically a very gradual decline and I usually notice when things have become harder than they used to be and/or I'm not enjoying things like I used to or my concentration and memory aren't as good as they used to be etc.
Oh and apparently I have a dependent personality, that one left me speechless... I could go on but I wrote quite a long email to my care co expressing my thoughts and she came back and said she completely agreed with me. Why is it so difficult to listen to someone and write an accurate report?
Last week I had my CPA which was quite overwhelming as there were a lot more people than usual. The psychiatrist who had me assessed under the MHA attended as she is now looking after my depression. My ED psychiatrist and care co were there, as well as a couple of others from the Kent ED service and the clinical lead, housing manager and nurse from here.
In short; the Kent team feel I need a more suitable therapy for my depression and "complex" needs with a more qualified therapist as I currently work with a student (which I don't feel is fair on her tbh). The problem is we don't know where we'll get this therapist from as the local CMHT don't offer their therapeutic services to those living in the service I live in. It went on for over an hour and tbh I lost focus, but they did say how hard I was trying which was nice of them.
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27.02.24
It's been a strange 3 weeks. It's like my admission never happened. I went back to work 6 days after being discharged and ever since I've been working, albeit less hours than before. Apart from a couple of staff, most haven't mentioned my time in hospital or even asked how I'm managing since being discharged. Everything seems to have gone back to how it was before. I'm not sure if that is a good, indifferent or bad thing.
Mood wise, things haven't changed much. I'm very low, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with nothing brings me enjoyment/ happiness and with that the guilt seeps in. I'm constantly exhausted, drained from the smallest of tasks to the point I've even considered wetting my bed as I don't have the energy to drag myself to the toilet. I constantly think of not being here, the potential impact on my loved ones and contemplating when to leave this world.
I spoke to my home team psychiatrist yesterday and asked her what she felt was going on with me. She didn't hesitate with her answer. Severe biological depression (and anorexia). It made complete sense but it didn't make me feel any better so she told me to "hold on". Only, I'm very tired of holding on. Will things ever get better?
Last week I had my assessment with the CMHT social worker. It lasted over an hour with usual questions; pre- determining factors (age of onset/ what was happening at the time etc), current symptomology like whether I experienced psychosis etc. The lady seemed kind and patient, but I felt sad and hopeless. I don't know what, if anything can help me at this point. She said she would discuss me in the MDT (yesterday) and give me a call but the psychiatrist there would probably like to see me again (the last time I saw her she sent off the paperwork to have me assessed under the mental health act so it's safe to say I'm wary.
From the people I've spoken to they've all agreed with me that a general psychiatric ward is majorly unhelpful for someone like me. The reasons are; I'm arguably high functioning, have insight to my illnesses and will revert back to restricting my intake to feel in control. Psych wards are loud, frightening and unpredictable. When I was in the psych ward a few weeks ago I withdrew, lost weight rapidly and came out worse rather than better. It's why I can't go back.
The question is what now?
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06/02/24
TW
Several people were genuinely concerned I would end my life, some still hold that worry and tbh I don't blame them. I'm very low. I have been for quite some time now (since October) and the past few weeks it has become almost impossible to carry on. Ending my life continuously circles my mind, so I try my best to work. It's the one thing that makes sense, but when I've finished, the tiredness and the thoughts seep their way in.
My time in the psych ward was damaging, pointless and dehumanizing. I lied my way out and now in my discharge summary they want me re-assessed for a mental health condition several psychiatrists have told me I don't have. I have a well established diagnosis of anorexia, PTSD and depression. I don't need one that isn't accurate. No thank you.
I want to erase the whole thing from my memory. At least today I was discharged by the crisis team. I didn't find them helpful in the slightest. I've been referred for a local care coordinator but I don't see the need when I already have one who specialises in EDs (and has a lot of experience with other mental health issues).
Their argument is that I need more of a support package to help me manage as what was in place clearly wasn't enough. I understand their point. I just don't think more support will help.
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04/02/24
The exhaustion feels like a blanket of thick grey fog that merges with the depression and I no longer know which is which or if it even matters.
Somewhat functioning is a challenge in itself as I practically sleep walk through the day, dragging myself through each mundane task when I'd far rather block everything out and simply go to sleep.
I feel no better than before I went into hospital. I have the same daily dark thoughts of not being here, the belief that it would be kinder for everyone if I were to leave this world and I don't have the words of reassurance in me to tell people I'll be ok.
The difference is I don't have a plan in place, the letters have been deleted and I'm accepting that maybe these constant thoughts and feelings are a part of my life which need to somehow be managed.
I'm not saying for a minute I'll be able to, and losing this battle may well be inevitable, but I owe it to everyone to at least try. So yes, I can keep myself safe, no I don't have a plan, but I still feel cripplingly low.
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30/01/24
Ward Round
TW numbers
Yesterdays ward round left me with more questions than answers. As I walked in I noticed my care coordinator and one of the staff from residential on the screen and instantly I felt a tiny amount of reassurance. The psychiatrist asked me the loaded question of "how are you?" and I responded with "tired". What else could I say?
The room was full of people, overwhelmingly full, but at least she was kind enough to give me the option to have less people in. I said it was fine. I didn't want to show her weakness of any sort, so we kept going. I said this wasn't the right place for me and to my surprise, she agreed. What I didn't see coming was what was mentioned next, she bought up the option of sending me to an EDU. I'm not even a kg below my target for goodness sake and I've worked hard to get where I am. What purpose would an EDU serve? It didn't make sense.
I pointed out that I wasn't in hospital for my anorexia, that it was the low mood/ depression that was the current issue, but the fact still remained. Here was not the right place for me. To help my low mood she's upping my antidepressant from 225 to 300mg venlafaxine. I'm not sure it will make much of a difference but I'll give it a try.
I begged to go back to residential and the psychiatrist looked thoughtful. She said she would speak to my dad since he was requesting discharge. I sighed, I knew I wasn't going to get any further so I had a few requests I wanted to ask to make my stay easier. Provided the ward manager agrees, I can eat in my room (with a 1:1), I can use my sharps unsupervised and can go for 2x 15 minute walks escorted by staff. It was better than nothing.
Later that afternoon, I spoke to my care coordinator for an hour. She was actually quite annoyed I had been sectioned and bought here in the first place. Yes I have severe chronic depression BUT that can be treated in the community and here is only making me worse. I agreed. We spoke through the situation and she said she would be very surprised if I hadn't been discharged back to residential by the end of the week. I just hope she's right.
After a few hours sleep, it was another new day, today. The first thing I did was jump on the scales. 0.45kgs down in 3 days (2kgs in a week). The ED was relieved, but I know this is a slippery slope and I need to get back on track before they have any excuse to ship me off for yet another EDU admission.
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28.01.24
My dad has written to the hospital formally requesting my discharge. He agreed here wasn't the right place for me and I would be far better off at residential. My eating has deteriorated, my mood remains the same, but seeing the pain in my dads eyes today broke my heart. I thought about how my suicide would impact him and wondered if it would break him or ease his worries?
Is seeing me go in and out of hospitals causing him too much concern and in turn, making him ill? Would it actually be fairer on him for me to leave this world?
I just want peace, to stop feeling so low all the time and to stop the constant fight with anorexia.
I wonder what it would feel like to be happy, to have enjoyment doing the things I once loved like horse riding or to feel present when with a group of friends. I wonder a lot of things, but I don't see things changing which is why ending my life became the only answer.
I feel so very sad, lost and tired.
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27/01/24
Part 6
Last night was the closest I've been to ending my life in here. I had the perfect plan but just as I was about to get out of bed at midnight, it suddenly occurred to me that my nearest relative could discharge me against medical advice. So I lay back down and started thinking.
This morning, I got up and was finally weighed. 1.5kg down in 4 days, supposedly, meaning I'm under the agreed weight band for residential. I don't trust their scales or them as I never drop like that. They're obviously tampering with them to try and trick me into eating more. Well it won't work. Meds up next and I took them with a polite thank you and walked off. I finally had my first shower in nearly a week and did my washing. Anything to appear less depressed. Plus my dad is visiting me tomorrow and I need him to believe I'm ok.
I'm an awful person for trying to trick my dad like this. It's just I'm desperate and I don't know what else to do. I want to pass away as peacefully as I can and my dad will eventually understand.
This afternoon one of the nurses told me to cheer up. How on earth can you be happy in a place like this?! Also, I'm trying to be less miserable, is it that obvious?
I'm already very nervous for Monday.
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27/01/24
Part 5
After a sleepless night due to the relentless shouting, I pulled myself up for a day in the hell hole.
After meds, bloods, obs, breakfast and lunch, I was called in for the much anticipated ward round. The ward manager came in which gave me an ounce of hope. She had been a nurse here in my previous admission and knew they couldn't support my ED.I was even more relieved to see my HM who was called in after I had sat down.
The psychiatrist was working from home so her face filled the large screen to my left. She started off with same questions all psychiatrists seem to ask; voices? Mood rating? etc etc. I tried to say that although my mood was low, it didn't warrant me being in hospital for it and they wouldn't be able to help me anyway as my ED would only get worse. She said she wanted to try and would increase my antidepressant, but I was clearly depressed and need to remain in hospital. I just stared at the floor. I knew I wouldn't be leaving that day.
After, my HM came and chatted me in a mini lounge. He reassured me my bed at residential was secure provided my home team continue to fund it which my care coordinator said they would but that was the last thing on my mind. We spoke for a while and he promised that staff would come to see me while I was in hospital. Even he seemed sad as left.
Yesterday one the support workers came to drop some food off for me. We had a 2 minute chat where I told her the staff here don't understand my ED and would congratulate me for eating weetabix and hot water for breakfast... she seemed frustrated and said they clearly don't understand. She couldn't stay long so said she'd try and get my favourite support to come and visit that afternoon. I knew not to hold my breath.
I was right not to. I called the house and briefly spoke to the clinical lead who said they normally don't allow staff to go to the hospital and the only contact I could have would be a weekly phone call. I wasn't having it and reminded her that it hadn't exactly helped the last time and that the HM had agreed I could have weekly visits anyway. She backed off and passed me over to the nurse who said he would do his best to get my favourite support worker over next week instead. Only, I know they will be having a new admission on the Monday as it's someone I know so I'm not sure how likely that will be.
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27/01/24
PTW part 4
I had to stay in the van for a while but I couldn't understand why. Three staff members came out and as I got out the van they surrounded me. I tried to edge backwards but they followed my every step. I knew I had no choice but to go in.
I waited and waited in a small side room before eventually being shown to what would be my room. The door has a window so the staff can make sure you're alive, there are no ligature points and all you have is the thinnest of green blankets you will probably ever come across. Fine for the summer, awful for winter.
A lady came by and asked to check my obs, I shrugged. She then went through my bags in the side room and took the usual things; chargers, razors, toiletries and laces. Fortunately I had predicted this and remembered to bring my short chargers and battery pack. Strangely, I was left with my glasses and the cords from my hoodies and jogging bottoms.
A few hours later, another woman came and went through the usual questions; rate your mood out of 10, do you hear voices, etc. I told her I didn't know how to answer as all I wanted was to be discharged and so far being honest had got me a MHA assessment, trying to evade questions and pretend I felt better than I did got me sectioned, so where did I go from there? Naturally she told me to be honest. Like fuck.
That night I lay in bed shivering, staring out the window with no curtains wishing I was anywhere but there.
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27/01/24
Part 3
That day feels like a blur. I forced myself to work while thinking of what I wanted to say in my goodbye letters when the AMHPs turned. One was an older guy, the other middle aged. I wish the staff hadn't opened the door to them. I was called from my room, my safe space and ushered up the stairs to the top floor where they, the HM and the dietetic assistant were waiting for me.
I was asked more questions; what was it like growing up, relationships with my parents, who had a mental illness in my family... the questions went on and on and I got frustrated saying there was nothing anyone could do so what was the point?! They mentioned a private hospital, community care etc but needed some time to gather all the available options. So once they had made a decision, they would come back and let me know, but they did say they wouldn't be sending me back to the psych ward I nearly died in. I didn't even care at that point.
After, I had a strange text from my dad asking me to call him so I did. He asked me what was going on as he'd just been informed by the AMHP that I was to be placed on a section 2 and bought into hospital with the potential of being transferred to a unit in Brighton (2 hours away!). I promptly shut the call down and the staff came out of the office, probably seeing the distress written all over my face.
How could the AMHP call my dad without my consent and tell him I was suicidal, writing goodbye letters and that it had been going on since October?! My Dad must have felt so upset, confused and afraid. That was completely unfair and should have at the least been discussed with me! I didn't want him to find out.
The therapist asked to talk to me with a support worker and I just stared at the floor, broken. He said I must be feeling really angry. Of course I was angry! I was being sectioned forced into a nut house and my poor dad had been told in the worst way possible! I sobbed and he said that if I would let him he'd hold me tight. Only he knows my issues with men so that wasn't really an option. Instead I walked back to my room, utterly defeated.
I quietly shut my door and had just got to my wardrobe when there was a knock on the door and the dietetic assistant came in. She said she had a horrible feeling I would try and end my life. I glared at her and begged her to leave, but she wouldn't. Had she given me just 15 minutes alone I wouldn't be here. I think she may have known that too.
As we spoke I heard a car pull up, so had a quick look out my window and saw a silver van, instantly I knew they were there for me. I was right. The AMHP came into my room and he said he had heard I had found out about being sectioned and that was the case. He told me I had 15 minutes to get some things together as the van was waiting for me outside. I asked what would happen if I refused, his told me there were four staff and they would physically remove me if necessary.
After a lot of tears and persuading by the dietetic assistant I reluctantly packed my things and was escorted by her, the AMHP and a support worker. The van staff took my things and saw me in. I told myself that if I went "voluntarily" then the psychiatrist would see I was ok and didn't need to be in hospital in the first place and discharge me.
Despite going by the wrong hospital, we arrived at the right one 40 minutes later. The journey had been bumpy I felt nauseous from a mixture of car sickness and anxiety but I had arrived.
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