#i open youtube and am being immediately attacked

[factoseintolerant]

Farewell

#better call saul #bob odenkirk #rhea seehorn #bcsgifs #bcsedit #i open youtube and am being immediately attacked

[sirfrogsworth]

Last week was crazy.

I honestly can't believe all of it happened in the span of a week. Well, I guess it was more like 10 days. But it was another... Alot.

It all started when I got my disability denial letter. I couldn't wait until I got into the house so I opened the envelope as I walked back from the mailbox. Once I saw the bad part I had an instant panic attack in my driveway.

I ran inside...

Okay, that isn't true.

I walked very quickly inside...

Nope, still not true.

Okay, I walked at my personal top speed which is probably still slow for most people... but the point I'm trying to make is that I was attempting to hurry despite only saving myself about 3 seconds of travel time.

But the hurrying made me feel better, okay?

Out of breath from my geriatric-style powerwalking, I called my lawyer's office immediately. And... he is on vacation. Won't be back until the next Thursday. I spent the entire weekend going through every panic state a body can feel. I go from angry to depressed to anxious to panicked to angry (again) to scared to more scared to extra more scared. Visions of homelessness danced in my head.

I can't sleep for over a day because my brain won't shut off. Finally my body gives out and I fall asleep on the couch watching random YouTube videos. But falling asleep on the couch is bad because I'm not hooked up to my CPAP machine. Then I finally do hook up my CPAP and my damned mask breaks. Thankfully it has happened before and I have a cool hot glue and duct tape solution. But it is hard to manage hot glue and tape when you haven't slept in days and your eyes will barely stay open. So a few burned fingers later, I am sleeping comfortably in my janky duct tape-laden CPAP mask.

Monday rolls around and I decide to go into problem solving mode. Problem solving is my superpower, so I was going to lean into that in an effort to reduce my anxiety. The denial letter said they had no records from before I was 22, so I put on my detective hat and began the hunt to prove I was sick before 2004. My aunt helped me dig through my mom's document drawer. I distinctly remember an essay I wrote to the disability people back when I first got sick. It was part of the paperwork they had me submit. It was a first hand account of my symptoms back in 2001. It also had an essay from my dad talking about how sick I was. I felt like if I could find that, the records surrounding it would all be related and from the same time period.

We go through the entire drawer and only find a few things that might be helpful. Then I realized my mom had a *second* drawer full of documents and my aunt was blocking it. So we start going through that and find a folder labeled "Ben's Disability Stuff." I would have never kept any of that stuff but my mom kept *everything* and it was all in chronological order.

She is still looking out for me.

And she may have kept me from being homeless.

We find the essay and records of my ECT treatments and the names of doctors and all kinds of evidence of my medical woes before 2004. And even if they won't accept it as direct evidence, I can use these documents to show doctors I was their patient. And my primary care doctor said he would be willing to talk to those past doctors to help me convince them to write a letter on my behalf. All they really have to say is they treated me for severe depression and fatigue. And because my mom kept a list of my prescriptions and my ECT treatments, I'm hoping that will be enough to convince them even if they don't remember treating me.

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. And I got to peek at my main doctor's records from before 2004. It's all handwritten notes and a little hard to read (bad doctor handwriting is the most accurate stereotype in existence). But it clearly says I had depression and was undergoing ECT treatments. It even mentions one of the doctors I want to write me a letter. It's not a lot, but it is first hand, direct medical evidence from that time period. I think it will be very compelling to whoever reviews my case.

I also talked to the nurses/assistants in the office about copying my entire chart, and I thought we were on the same page, but as you will see later... we were not on the same page.

I exit the building and remember how far away I had parked. And once again I forgot to use my cane—even though I keep a spare in the car. The main lot was full and the disabled parking was occupied, so I had to park in the secondary lot. My legs were holding up so far, but it was already a lot of walking for me. Very slow walking.

His office is in the same complex as the hospital. Which is my next stop. It's the same hospital that I have been going to all of my life. And the hospital where both of my parents died.

But I need vintage medical records and that is where they keep them.

Or so I thought.

I drive from the medical office parking lot to the hospital parking lot and only the spots farthest away are empty. And because of goddamn global warming, it is 90 fucking degrees in late September. I park, lock my car, grab my man purse, and start hoofing it to the hospital entrance. I'm so nervous about getting these records that I forgot my damn cane again.

My thoughts are basically, "What if they only keep 7 years of records like everyone else? What if the records from Christian Northwest aren't kept with the records from Christian Northeast? (Christian NW doesn't exist anymore.) What if they won't send them to my lawyer? What if it costs a thousand bucks? What if, what if, what if..."

I get to the front desk and ask the lady where the records department is. She gives me directions that my brain is only capable of half paying attention to. Then I realized I left the records release form from my lawyer in the car. So I walk another half mile in the heat to my car without my cane. And initially, my thought was, "Well, at least I can grab my cane once I get the form." But by the time I got to my car my thought was, "AHHHHHHHHH THAT WAS A LONG FUCKING WALK. KILL ME!"

And so I forgot my cane.

Again.

I get back to the lobby and wave at the lady who gave me directions. I pretend like I remembered and confidently walk in the direction I recall her pointing to. I found the elevator. Thankfully this particular elevator only goes two places. Which seems like a waste of an elevator, but... whatever. I get off on the second floor and am met with a big sign with all the departments and little arrows next to them.

(I'm sure you knew what I was talking about but I'm trying to break up this wall of text with images because I am a professional blogger person.)

I see "Medical Records" and a leftward arrow. I used my keen detective skills to surmise I should probably veer left.

I find myself at the beginning of the world's longest hallway.

Without my cane.

And it is flooded with sterile florescent light and the walls are adorned with the world's most inoffensive art.

Here is a painting of a plant. Here is a painting of a bird. Here is a painting of a bird sitting on a plant. Wait, is that a... WATERFALL??

Suddenly Indiana Jones' voice shouts in my thoughts...

So, if you had to guess, do you think the records department was...

A.) near the beginning of the hallway? B.) in the middle of the hallway? C.) beyond the world's longest hallway in the world's second longest hallway?

As I enter the world's second longest hallway, I notice the art is repeating itself. I've seen that bird sitting on a plant before. I worried I was going in circles, but it turns out they probably just bought the inoffensive art in bulk and weren't concerned about repeats. I get about halfway down the second longest hallway and see a big sign sticking out... "MEDICAL RECORDS."

Note to God: The real world needs a fast travel mode.

I was a big sweaty mess and my legs were like jello. I lumber through the door and find a young woman scrolling through her phone and probably wishing she was anywhere else. She was behind a huge partition with a plexiglass divider—probably still there from COVID days.

I mean, it's still COVID days. But no one is acting like it so I am just pretending it is all over like everyone else seems to.

She notices an out-of-breath Hagrid towering over her and apathetically inquires, "Can I help you?"

I hold up a finger as I try to gain my composure and figure out exactly what I want to say. I usually rehearse this kind of thing beforehand but with all of the anxious thoughts spiraling through my brain, I totally forgot to do that.

"I need to ask questions about records." "What kind of questions?" "Well, how long are the records?" "I'm sorry?" "What year do they start?" "What year do you need?"

I'm suddenly realizing why I rehearse these things. So I take a moment and breathe deeply. I form the proper question in my mind.

"How far back do you keep medical records?" "30 years."

I shoot my hands up like I just scored a touchdown and say, "OH THANK GOD."

She is very confused.

"30 years, oh my god. 30 years just saved my life."

She is still very confused.

"And do you have records from Christian Northwest?" "Yes, we have everything from all Christian hospitals."

I try to give her a brief explanation of my situation and she cuts me off. "Fill out this form."

I look at the clipboard and it is a release form.

Do you remember way back when I walked an extra mile to and from the car to get a release form that my lawyer prepared? Well, turns out they have their own version of that and I walked all that way for nothing.

I finish the form and hand it to the bored, indifferent front desk lady. She tells me someone will be out in a moment. So I sit in the uncomfortable waiting chairs and try to rest a bit. A much tinier young woman walks to the front desk partition thingie and calls out my name. But due to her diminutive stature, she is completely obscured by a pillar and I have no idea where the voice is coming from. We do this little awkward dance on either side of the pillar, attempting to see each other, and finally we both end up on the same side. She starts looking over my form and seemed a little annoyed that I left a section blank. I wasn't sure what kind of records I needed and there was no box that said "everything everywhere all at once."

What I really wanted was any document with my name on it from the beginning of time.

But I was worried about asking for too much labor from this person so I started negotiating for some reason.

I was like, "Well, like, I really need like anything you have from before like 2004. And then maybe, like, some general records after 2004. Like, the pre-2004 records are super important. But, like, I also need to show I was sick all my adult life. So if there are like, summary records? Or, like, something?"

I couldn't stop saying like. I was turning into a Kardashian. Again, some rehearsal was probably warranted.

"I just don't want to be a burden and make you dig up all of my records. I mostly need my ECT records from 2001."

"What is ECT?"

"Shock therapy. It's for depression. I just need to show I was really sick before the age of 22."

"And who is this guy on the form?"

*ramble mode engaged*

"Oh, that is my disability attorney. You see, I'm trying to get a special kind of disability, but I need to prove I was sick before the age of 22. So anything like that before 2004 would be very helpful. But like, if you have less detailed records after 2004 that is good too. Because I may need to prove I've been sick my entire adult life."

*continued rambling until I notice she stopped paying attention*

She did not need to know all of this. And I was not answering the questions she needed answered. I was nervous and babbling and oversharing and I couldn't snap out of it. And I was really concerned if I asked for too much, she was going to be upset. But then she told me all of the records were in a warehouse and she would not actually be finding them for me. She just places an "order" for them. So this weird negotiation thing I was doing to keep her from being annoyed at me was pointless.

And I also realized... this is super important.

I yell at myself, "Ask for everything, stupid! Quit trying to get halfassed records because you're worried about inconveniencing someone."

Finally I just say, "I want every medical record you have from before I was 22 until now."

And she was like, "Sure."

Well... that was easy.

I thanked the tiny lady and the bored lady and exited back into the second longest hallway. My adrenaline was surging. I kept yelling, "30 YEARS!!" in my brain. I had to tell someone this amazing news. I had to tell them right that second or I might burst. So I grab my phone from my man purse and dial Katrina.

The thing is, I only call Katrina when something really bad happens. People don't make phone calls anymore. People text! So when she picked up the phone she answered with a very worried tone. As if somehow a third parent of mine died or something.

"THIRTY YEARS!!!!" "WHAT IS HAPPENING??" "They keep records for 30 years!" "OHHHHHHHHHH!!! That's amazing!"

She probably didn't hop for joy in real life, but in my mind I like to pretend she did. I start explaining everything that just happened and how they most likely have my ECT records and then I realize I am in the middle of the world's second longest hallway and I don't remember which direction leads back to the world's longest hallway. And because I am having unusual and extraordinarily good luck, a medical worker was walking by right at that moment.

"Which way back to the elevator?" "This way!" "Oh great! Thank you!" "Or that way. There are two elevators."

There is that normal luck I recognize.

I can feel the universe realigning itself. But that is okay, because...

THIRTY YEARS, BABY!

I talk to Katrina as I traverse the two longest hallways. Thankfully I was going in the correct direction and found the proper elevator. After a nice chat about various things including problematic 80s movies, we hung up and I decided to treat myself to a hospital cafeteria chicken quesadilla. They are surprisingly delicious and I ate them every single day while my dad was in hospice. Those quesadillas were a single bright spot during one of the hardest times of my life.

So I walk up to the grillmaster and look at the menu.

"Wait, where is the quesadilla?" "We stopped making those two weeks ago."

Universal realignment completed. Luck has returned to its original state.

A male nurse in front of me commiserated. "Yeah, man. I miss them too."

I walked back out to my car both happy and depressed. An odd combination of conflicted feelings. But my day was not over yet. I needed vaccines and groceries. Naturally, I went to the grocery store with the CVS. I got my dad his last booster there, so I was confident they could take care of me. I grab a shopping cart and pick up a few things on the way to the pharmacy. I get in line at the little vaccine check-in spot. The woman in front of me is getting her booster as well. Otherwise, the pharmacy is empty and the three employees are just scrolling through their phones.

After the previous booster seeker was taken care of, I tell the woman I need a booster and a flu vaccine.

"I can give the flu shot now and set an appointment for the booster." "You never required an appointment before." "We just started a few weeks ago." "Can I make an appointment for, like, now?" "No, sorry." "Do you have the booster in stock?" "Yes." "Do you have someone here qualified to give the booster?" "Yes." "Do you have any other appointments right now?" "No."

I tried very hard to keep my composure and remain polite.

"I am disabled. It is very hard for me to get out of the house. Returning another day would be very difficult. Can you please make an exception?"

"I can get you in tomorrow."

I probably should have asked for a manager at this point. But I had no energy for confrontation. She started preparing for me to get the flu shot, but I told her I was going somewhere else. My happy news was quickly being soured by weird rules that made no sense.

But I did see a cool robot.

I got my groceries and loaded them into my car. Some were frozen items so I made sure to turn the A/C on full blast. I called another pharmacy. It was the one run by the Jamaican family who came out to the house to give my parents boosters during the height of COVID. I asked if they could do walk-in vaccinations without an appointment. And in that beautiful accent, they replied, "Sure, come on by. We'll take care of you."

Their shop is in Ferguson. Which I'm sure the news has convinced people is a constant warzone or something. But the main street, West Florrisant, is actually really neat in spots. A lot of small businesses catering to the Black community. There was a soul food place and an African hair braiding place and a Taco Bell. Okay, it wasn't all Black-themed shops, but the pharmacy was directly next to the "Wumzy African Attire" tailoring shop that was combined with the party planning store.

And in the back was an African beauty supply depot.

Three shops in one! Just a very efficient use of space.

And looking through the window of the tailoring shop was like a feast of colors for the eyes. I don't know how they get fabric so bright and colorful. Really beautiful patterns too. I tried not to look like a creep while staring inside so I just walked reeeeeally slow toward the pharmacy entrance.

I just wish people knew that side of Ferguson. It's a beautiful community that was really dragged through the mud by the national media.

I digress.

I walked into the pharmacy and it was long and skinny. They had a few shelves with over-the-counter health products. But the main area was pretty empty. I guess they want to make sure they can accommodate long lines without people having to wait outside. But their working area seemed really cramped. There were some awards on the wall and news articles. Apparently, they are very involved with vaccinating the local refugee community. Something you won't see at pointless appointment-having CVS. I just felt like I was in the right place even if my frozen items were thawing and my legs were buckling from constantly forgetting my cane in the car.

The shop was run by the pharmacist and matriarch. Her son took my information. He looked about 18 and was a bit shy—but very kind and helpful. He directed me to this little partition they set up for vaccinations and they had a liquor bottle full of hand sanitizer. The label had a big "DO NOT DRINK" warning. I found a picture of the exact one on Google.

I washed my hands and rolled up my sleeve. The pharmacist greeted me with my shots prepared. Some people have a sort of magic touch when it comes to giving shots. I'm not sure if it is a special technique or just lots of experience, but aside from a little pressure, I didn't even feel the needles going in. And my arm was only mildly sore despite the double shots.

I really wanted to thank her for sending someone to vaccinate my parents when no one else would. But I was really tired and chickened out. So I just thanked her and drove home.

I unloaded my groceries and collapsed on the couch. I could barely move at that point. Everything hurt.

But... 30 years.

I was feeling good the next day despite everything. My body hurt, but my brain was contented from my success. But there was more to do and everything was trending downhill. I called those doctors mentioned in my personal medical records. I knew it was a long shot, but I asked if they kept records from 2001. They did not. However, I thought the psychiatrist who did my ECT was dead. And it turns out he is just old-as-heck and still practicing. So even though he doesn't have records and probably doesn't remember me, I am hopeful he will write me a letter.

My other psychiatrist from back then is also still practicing. No records there either.

So far my phone anxiety wasn't getting the better of me. But I still had more calls to make and I could feel my brain starting to get melty.

My pocket knife doesn't open correctly and I couldn't get anyone to email me back from SpyderCo. So I called their office in Colorado and tried to get someone to talk to me. I got bounced to three different people and finally a guy told me that model is just hard to open. So that was pointless.

Melt. Melt. Melt.

And finally, I had to call the dreaded CPAP supply place.

It did not go well. At all.

You can read more about it at that link, but the short version is I got angrily sighed at for asking reasonable questions about what the hell "chart notes" are. And the lady refused to answer those questions for no reason I can fathom. She eventually brought me to tears and got angry at me for doing so. And it turned out the call was pointless as well.

Oh, and my lawyer was sick. Remember him? Vacation guy? Who skipped town at the exact moment I got my disability denial letter? Yeah, I had been waiting for 7 grueling, anxiety-filled days to speak with him and he gets sick the day he returns.

Brain is melty goo.

Hey, Universe! I think you are overcorrecting with that luck realignment. I appreciate the 30 years of records thing, but can you let me enjoy it a little?

Friday arrives and I still have calls to make. The CPAP lady really messed up my brain and so just dialing the numbers was freaking me out. But I decided to start with the worst first. I called the CPAP lady and she finally had her precious "chart notes" and put my order through. She was cheerful and helpful and I was confused but thankful.

I thought maybe things were looking up in my phone call adventures.

My next call was to my primary care doctor's office.

One thing you need to know about my doctor is he is a bit of a... hot mess. A very smart, capable doctor. He knows his stuff. I suspect he has an eidetic memory due to his instant recall of medication names and doses and things that happened 8 years ago and detailed descriptions of medical conditions he only heard about in school 40 years ago. Aside from that, he is kind and compassionate and he has my back no matter what.

But he is technologically stuck in the 80s. His personal life is a roller coaster of drama. He once hired his girlfriend of 2 months to work at the office and his regular staff secretly whispered "She's so awful" behind his back. (They broke up soon after.) He is disorganized and constantly running late. And he takes on tons of frustrating patients because they have nowhere else to go. I admire him for treating so many poor elderly folks without any family to take care of them, but you can tell it is extremely challenging at times and a lot of that labor is delegated to his staff.

His office manager is probably the only person on the planet who can tolerate him being a hot mess.

Unfortunately, she is also a hot mess in completely different ways.

She tries to speedrun through everything. It's probably because she has a million things to do and is trying to fit 12 hours of work into an 8 hour workday. I try to be sympathetic and understanding of that. But one of her methods for speeding things along is attempting to use her psychic powers. You will start telling her what you need and she will do this thing where she cuts you off and tries to predict said need.

"I need a prescription for..." "Your thyroid meds are due, right? I'll send it over to the pharmacy." "...insulin. But I have a question about..." "So thyroid and insulin? No problem. I'll send it over." "...increasing my dosage." "Wait, what's yer question, hon?" "Was it 50 units..." "No, it's says 100. Okay? I'll send it over. Take care." "...twice per day or 100 units once in the morning?"

Often her predictions are so bad that it actually takes a lot more time to correct her than it would if she had just let you finish speaking. And this is especially problematic for me because I rehearse everything I need to say and she constantly interrupts and so I have to end up improvising new things to say that I never accounted for. And I'm already anxious and not thinking clearly so I do a poor job of explaining my needs and it just ends up in disaster.

So I have a complicated situation. I need my entire written chart copied and sent to my lawyer. I know it is a lot of work for the office staff. They probably have to copy several hundred pages. But this is probably the most important evidence in my disability case. And my lawyer has already volunteered to pay the several hundred dollars it will cost. It's worth it because if my case goes well, I could get years of back pay.

I call and get the young woman whom I really like on his staff. She is very quiet and unassuming but secretly the star of the office. Like a ninja of competence. If you really need something done properly without mistakes, she is the best one to go to. But her job does not include handling the records, so she transfers me to the office nurse. The office nurse does not process new information well. You often have to explain things several times. And if she gives up trying to understand, she hands you off to the office manager.

The Final Boss, if you will. I was really hoping I could avoid that.

"Okay, so my lawyer needs all of my written records..."

"He needs to fax a form saying what he needs, okay honey?"

"He already faxed a release form asking for records and I brought in a new copy yesterday with all of his mailing information..."

"He didn't fax anything. He needs to tell us what he needs. I'm not seeing any form. Just tell him to call me."

"He is out sick today and he already faxed the form and I brought a second one just in case. I signed it and dated it and I watched Competence Ninja put it in my chart. It asks for everything..."

"Okay, I see it here. This doesn't look right. He needs to tell us what he needs us to send him."

"It says in the letter, 'to release any medical information, including medical records, written letters, treatment reports, testing results, or similar information.' Should it say something different?"

"I've been doing this 20 years and I've never seen anything like this. He needs to be more specific. I ain't sending him all that, hon."

"So, this is for my disability case. I already talked to the nurse about this. And I know it is a lot, but the doctor's records are the only direct evidence that I've been sick since 2001."

"So you just need something from 2001? Okay, the lawyer needs to fax something saying that."

"I need the entire handwritten chart copied and sent to the lawyer. We need a full record of my illness because..."

"This is ridiculous. You're lawyer is fucking lazy. I've never seen anything like this. And I'm worried he is not going to represent your interests."

"This is not a normal disability claim. If you'd allow me to explain I think you'd understand why I need..."

"Disability should already have all this. We shouldn't need to send this. This is fucking ridiculous and you need a new lawyer. You're going to lose your case with his lazy ass."

"This isn't normal disability. I need to prove that I've been sick for a long time and..."

"This is going to cost a fortune, you know? We charge 50 cents per page. You're going to be out hundreds of dollars."

"Okay, but I will be out thousands of dollars if I don't get this copied."

"Fuck it. I am going to copy this ONCE. No more after this. UNDERSTOOD?"

And... she hung up on me.

My heart was beating out of my chest with panic and my eyes were blurry with tears. And in that moment, I thought I had done something wrong. My doctor gave me his personal mobile number so I call him up with tears apparent in my voice. I explain what just happened and that I was really sorry and that I didn't mean to upset her. He told me she is "just like that sometimes" and I shouldn't take it to heart. They have a very serious deadline for something due that day and she was very upset and I was collateral damage. I asked him to apologize for me and he said there was no need. He said we'd work it all out on Monday when this deadline wasn't stressing everyone out.

It wasn't until I calmed down a bit that I realized I did absolutely nothing wrong. That she was just being a big jerk and taking her other problems out on me. And I was probably the one deserving of an apology. I also remembered this is not the first time she has blown up at me. She was the one who tried to make me get a ventilator instead of a proper CPAP machine years ago. She said, "My mom has one and it works fine." And I was like, "So if I travel I'm supposed to take 12 pounds of medical equipment instead of a 1 pound device that fits neatly into a backpack?"

I get why my doctor made excuses for her. She works very hard and puts up with him. He'd never be able to find anyone that would last a week doing that job. And I have a feeling he probably defended me after I called. I played what he said back in my brain and noticed a frustrated tone. Despite what he said, it seems clear he was pissed.

I can make amends and figure things out with her. That isn't an issue. But I am worried that between her and CPAP lady, all of the progress I've made trying to reduce my telephobia was erased. I really was getting better calling people. I used to need Katrina hanging out on Skype while I called anyone as moral support. And while it still helps, I've gotten a lot better at calling strangers on my own. But now, I'm not so sure.

I might ask if there is an office email address I can use from now on. If I can write out what I need there is no way to get interrupted. I can be clear and detailed and use my writing skills to communicate way better than my phone skills.

I don't know.

It was just a crappy way to end a stressful, exhausting week.

But it wasn't the end!

Friday evening my sick lawyer finally called. I had rehearsed all kinds of things I wanted to say to him. But it turns out, all of my emails already did most of the talking—proof that I write a great email. He was really impressed with all of my detective work. And he said if those records pan out, he is very optimistic about my case going forward. He also said that he was expecting a denial. And it was probably good that we got that out of the way quickly. And now we get to mount more of a defense, which is what lawyers are good at. We talked for about 20 minutes and came up with a battle plan. He explained the process going forward. But he mentioned one thing that worried me.

This could take a while.

A lot longer than I was expecting.

I explained that I currently have a runway until about June 2024. That's when the mortgage money runs out. However, my brother should be willing to release my inheritance in March. I hope. I have a hard time trusting anything my brother says anymore. But if he does, then I should have another year of mortgage payments. But I am definitely going to have a Plan B just in case my brother finds a new way to disrespect my father's wishes.

The lawyer said there is a quick thing and a long thing. The quick thing has a low chance of success. But it is worth trying. The long thing is a hearing with a Social Security lawyer. He said a lot of these lawyers are miserable and don't want to be there and don't really care. Which is a good thing because they'll just be like, "Fine, whatever." But it can take a long time to get a hearing due to backlogs.

So, as long as I can gather all the evidence and the hospital records have my ECT stuff, I think there is room for hope. A little hope. After years of chronic illness I know hope is sometimes dangerous. So I allot a tiny bit of hope to keep me going forward, but not enough hope to leave me devastated if things go tits up.

So... umm... I think that is the end of this novel of a post. I feel bad that I don't have a big climax or twist or cliffhanger. Should I add a big CGI dragon fight?

Even though a more down-to-earth kung fu fight with my brother would be a more satisfying conclusion?

Or I could pull an M. Night Shyamalan and reveal that I've been dead for quite some time.

This post is getting really long.

Why are you still reading this?

I am thankful that you are. I just needed to get all of that out. I hope I wrote it in a compelling way and you weren't bored.

I love you all.

#long post #i see dead frogpeople

[sleeplesslionheart]

The Haunting of Bly Manor as Allegory: Self-Sacrifice, Grief, and Queer Representation

As always, I am extremely late with my fandom infatuations—this time, I’m about three years late getting smitten with Dani and Jamie from The Haunting of Bly Manor.

Because of my lateness, I’ll confess from the start that I’m largely unfamiliar with the fandom’s output: whether fanfiction, interpretations, analyses, discourse, what have you. I’ve dabbled around a bit, but haven’t seen anything near the extent of the discussions that may or may not have happened in the wake of the show’s release, so I apologize if I’m re-treading already well-trod ground or otherwise making observations that’ve already been made. Even so, I’m completely stuck on Dani/Jamie right now and have some thoughts that I want to compose and work through.

This analysis concerns the show’s concluding episode in particular, so please be aware that it contains heavy, detailed spoilers for the ending, as well as the show in its entirety. Additionally, as a major trigger warning: this essay contains explicit references to suicide and suicidal ideation, so please tread cautiously. (These are triggers for me, and I did, in fact, manage to trigger myself while writing this—but this was also very therapeutic to write, so those triggering moments wound up also being some healing opportunities for me. But definitely take care of yourself while reading this, okay?).

After finishing Bly and necessarily being destroyed by the ending, staying up until 2:00 a.m. crying, re-watching scenes on Youtube, so on and so forth, I came away from the show (as others have before me) feeling like its ending functioned fairly well as an allegory for loving and being in a romantic partnership with someone who suffers from severe mental illness, grief, and trauma.

Without going too deeply into my own personal backstory, I want to provide some opening context, which I think will help to show why this interpretation matters to me and how I’m making sense of it.

Like many of Bly’s characters, I’ve experienced catastrophic grief and loss in my own life. A few years ago, my brother died in some horrific circumstances (which you can probably guess at if you read between the lines here), leaving me traumatized and with severe problems with my mental health. When it happened, I was engaged to a man (it was back when I thought I was straight (lol), so I’ve also found Dani’s comphet backstory to be incredibly relatable…but more on this later) who quickly tired of my grieving. Just a few months after my brother’s death, my then-fiancé started saying things like “I wish you’d just go back to normal, the way you were” and “I’ve gotten back on-track and am just waiting for you to get back on-track with me,” apparently without any understanding that my old “normal” was completely gone and was never coming back. He saw my panic attacks as threatening and unreasonable, often resorting to yelling at me to stop instead of trying to comfort me. He complained that he felt like I hadn’t reciprocated the care that he’d provided me in the immediate aftermath of my brother’s loss, and that he needed me to set aside my grief (and “heal from it”) so that he could be the center of my attention. Although this was not the sole cause, all of it laid the groundwork for our eventual breakup. It was as though my trauma and mourning had ruined the innocent happiness of his own life, and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Given this, I was powerfully struck by the ways that Jamie handles Dani’s trauma: accepting and supporting her, never shaming her or diminishing her pain.

Early in the show—in their first true interaction with one another, in fact—Jamie finds Dani in the throes of a panic attack. She responds to this with no judgment; instead, she validates Dani’s experiences. To put Dani at ease, she first jokes about her own “endless well of deep, inconsolable tears,” before then offering more serious words of encouragement about how well Dani is dealing with the circumstances at Bly. Later, when Dani confesses to seeing apparitions of Peter and Edmund, Jamie doesn’t pathologize this, doubt it, or demean it, but accepts it with a sincere question about whether Dani’s ex-fiancé is with them at that moment—followed by another effort to comfort Dani with some joking (this time, a light-hearted threat at Edmund to back off) and more affirmations of Dani’s strength in the face of it all.

All of this isn’t to say, however, that Dani’s grief-driven behaviors don’t also hurt Jamie (or, more generally, that grieving folks don’t also do things that hurt their loved ones). When Dani recoils from their first kiss because of another guilt-inspired vision of Eddie, Jamie is clearly hurt and disappointed; still, Jamie doesn’t hold this against Dani, as she instead tries to take responsibility for it herself. A week later, though, Jamie strongly indicates that she needed that time to be alone in the aftermath and that she is wary that Dani’s pattern of withdrawing from her every time they start to get closer will continue to happen. Nonetheless, it’s important to note that this contributes to Dani’s recognition that she’s been allowing her guilt about Eddie’s death to become all-consuming, preventing her from acting on her own desires to be with Jamie. That recognition, in turn, leads Dani to decide to move through her grief and beyond her guilt. Once she’s alone later in the evening after that first kiss, Dani casts Eddie’s glasses into the bonfire’s lingering embers; she faces off with his specter for a final time, and after burning away his shadow, her visions of him finally cease. When she and Jamie reunite during their 6:00 a.m. terrible coffee visit, Dani acknowledges that the way that she and Jamie left things was “wrong,” and she actively tries to take steps to “do something right” by inviting Jamie out for a drink at the village pub…which, of course, just so happens to be right below Jamie’s flat. (Victoria Pedretti’s expressions in that scene are so good).

Before we continue, though, let’s pause here a moment to consider some crucial factors in all of this. First, there is a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and simply discarding it…or being pressured by someone else to discard it. Second, there is also a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and allowing one’s grief to become all-consuming. Keep these distinctions in mind as we go on.

Ultimately, the resolution of the show’s core supernatural conflict involves Dani inviting Viola’s ghost to inhabit her, which Viola accepts. This frees the other spirits who have been caught in Bly Manor’s “gravity well,” even as it dooms Dani to eventually be overtaken by Viola and her rage. Jamie, however, offers to stay with Dani while she waits for this “beast in the jungle” to claim her. The show’s final episode shows the two of them going on to forge a life together, opening a flower shop in a cute town in Vermont, enjoying years of domestic bliss, and later getting married (in what capacities they can—more on this soon), all while remaining acutely aware of the inevitability of Dani’s demise.

The allegorical potentials of this concluding narrative scenario are fairly flexible. It is possible, for instance, to interpret Dani’s “beast in the jungle” as chronic (and/or terminal) illness—in particular, there’re some harrowing readings that we could do in relation to degenerative neurological diseases associated with aging (e.g. dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, progressive supranuclear palsy, etc.), especially if we put the final episode into conversation with the show’s earlier subplot about the death of Owen’s mother, its recurring themes of memory loss as a form of death (or, even, as something worse than death), and Jamie’s resonant remarks that she would rather be “put out of her misery” than let herself be “worn away a little bit every day.” For the purposes of this analysis, though, I’m primarily concerned with interpreting Viola’s lurking presence in Dani’s psyche as a stand-in for severe grief, trauma, and mental illness. …Because, even as we may “move through” grief and trauma, and even as we may work to heal from them, they never just go away completely—they’re always lurking around, waiting to resurface. (In fact, the final minutes of the last episode feature a conversation between older Jamie and Flora about contending with this inevitable recurrence of grief). Therapy can give us tools to negotiate and live with them, of course; but that doesn’t mean that they’re not still present in our lives. The tools that therapy provides are meant to help us manage those inevitable resurfacings in healthy ways. But they are not meant to return us to some pre-grief or pre-trauma state of “normality” or to make them magically dissipate into the ether, never to return. And, even with plenty of therapy and with healthy coping mechanisms, we can still experience significant mental health issues in the wake of catastrophic grief, loss, and trauma; therapy doesn’t totally preclude that possibility.

In light of my own experiences with personal tragedy, crumbling mental health, and the dissolution of a romantic partnership with someone who couldn’t accept the presence of grief in my life, I was immediately enamored with the ways that Jamie approaches the enduring aftereffects of Dani’s trauma during the show’s final episode. Jamie never once pressures Dani to just be “normal.” She never once issues any judgment about what Dani is experiencing. At those times when Dani’s grief and trauma do resurface—when the beast in the jungle catches up with her—Jamie is there to console her, often with the strategies that have always worked in their relationship: gentle, playful ribbing and words of affirmation. There are instances in which Dani doesn’t emote joyfulness during events that we might otherwise expect her to—consider, for instance, how somber Dani appears in the proposal scene, in contrast to Jamie’s smiles and laughter. (In the year after my brother’s death, my ex-fiancé and his family would observe that I seemed gloomy in situations that they thought should be fun and exciting. “Then why aren’t you smiling?” they’d ask, even when I tried to assure them that I was having a good time, but just couldn’t completely feel that or express it in the ways that I might’ve in the past). Dani even comments on an inability to feel that is all too reminiscent of the blunting of emotions that can happen in the wake of acute trauma: “It’s like I see you in front of me and I feel you touching me, and every day we’re living our lives, and I’m aware of that. But it’s like I don’t feel it all the way.” But throughout all of this (and in contrast to my own experiences with my ex), Jamie attempts to ground Dani without ever invalidating what she’s experiencing. When Dani tells her that she can’t feel, Jamie assures her, “If you can’t feel anything, then I’ll feel everything for the both of us.”

A few days after I finished the show for the first time, I gushed to a friend about how taken I was with the whole thing. Jamie was just so…not what I had experienced in my own life. I loved witnessing a representation of such a supportive and understanding partner, especially within the context of a sapphic romance. After breaking up with my own ex-fiancé, I’ve since come to terms with my sexuality and am still processing through the roles that compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia have played in my life; so Dani and Jamie’s relationship has been incredibly meaningful for me to see for so, so many reasons.

“I’m glad you found the show so relatable,” my friend told me. “But,” she cautioned, “don’t lose sight of what Dani does in that relationship.” Then, she pointed out something that I hadn’t considered at all. Although Jamie may model the possibilities of a supportive partnership, Dani’s tragic death espouses a very different and very troubling perspective: the poisonous belief that I’m inevitably going to hurt my partner with my grief and trauma, so I need to leave them before I can inflict that harm on them.

Indeed, this is a deeply engrained belief that I hold about myself. While I harbor a great deal of anger at my ex-fiancé for how he treated me, there’s also still a part of me that sincerely believes that I nearly ruined his and his family’s lives by bringing such immense devastation and darkness into it. On my bad days (which are many), I have strong convictions about this in relation to my future romantic prospects as well. How could anyone ever want to be with me? I wonder. And even if someone eventually does try to be with me, all I’ll do is ruin her life with all my trauma and sadness. I shouldn’t even want to be with anyone, because I don’t want to hurt someone else. I don’t want someone else to deal with what I’ve had to deal with. I even think about this, too, with my friends. Since my brother’s death and my breakup, I’ve gone through even more trauma, pain, grief, and loss, such that now I continue to struggle enormously with issues like anhedonia, emotional fragility, and social anxiety. I worry, consequently, that I’m just a burden on my friends. That I’m too hard to be around. That being around me, with all of my pain and perpetual misfortune, just causes my friends pain, too. That they’re better off not having to deal with me at all. I could spare them all, I think, by just letting them go, by not bothering them anymore.

I suspect that this is why I didn’t notice any issues with Dani’s behavior at the end of Bly Manor at first. Well…that and the fact that the reality of the show’s conclusion is immensely triggering for me. Probably, my attention just kind of slid past the truth of it in favor of indulging in the catharsis of a sad gay romance.

But after my friend observed this issue, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I realized, then, that I hadn’t extended the allegory out to its necessary conclusion…which is that Dani has, in effect, committed suicide in order to—or so she believes, at least—protect Jamie from her. This is the case regardless of whether we keep Viola’s ghost in the mix as an actual, tangible, existing threat within the show’s diegesis or as a figurative symbol of the ways that other forces can “haunt” us to the point of our own self-destruction. If the former, then Dani’s suicide (or the more gentle and elusive description that I’ve seen: her act of “giving herself to the lake”) is to prevent Viola’s ghost from ever harming Jamie. But if the latter, if we continue doing the work of allegorical readings, then it’s possible to interpret Bly’s conclusion as the tragedy of Dani ultimately succumbing to her mental illness and suicidal ideation.

The problems with this allegory’s import really start cropping up, however, when we consider the ways that the show valorizes Dani’s actions as an expression of ultimate, self-sacrificing love—a valorization that Bly accomplishes, in particular, through its sustained contrasting of love and possession.

The Implications of Idealizing Self-Sacrifice as True Love

During a pivotal conversation in one of the show’s early episodes, Dani and Jamie discuss the “wrong kind of love” that existed between Rebecca Jessel and Peter Quint. Jamie remarks on how she “understands why so many people mix up love and possession,” thereby characterizing Rebecca and Peter’s romance as a matter of possession—as well as hinting, perhaps, that Jamie herself has had experiences with this in her own past. After considering for a moment, Dani agrees: “People do, don’t they? Mix up love and possession. […] I don’t think that should be possible. I mean, they’re opposites, really, love and ownership.” We can already tell from this scene that Dani and Jamie are, themselves, heading towards a burgeoning romance—and that this contrast between love and possession (and their self-awareness of it) is going to become a defining feature of that romance.

Indeed, the show takes great pains to emphasize the genuine love that exists between Dani and Jamie against the damaging drive for possession enacted by characters like Peter (who consistently manipulates Rebecca and kills her to keep her ghost with him) and Viola (who has killed numerous people and trapped their souls at Bly over the centuries in a long since forgotten effort to reclaim her life with her husband and daughter from Perdita, her murderously jealous sister). These contrasts take multiple forms and emerge from multiple angles, all to establish that Dani and Jamie’s love is uniquely safe, caring, healing, mutually supportive, and built on a foundation of prevailing concern for the other’s wellbeing. Some of these contrasts are subtle and understated. Consider, for instance, how Hannah observes that Rebecca looks like she hasn’t slept in days because of the turmoil of her entanglements with Peter, whereas Jamie’s narration describes how Dani gets the best sleep of her life during the first night that she and Jamie spend together. Note, too, the editing work in Episode 6 that fades in and out between the memories of the destructive ramifications of Henry and Charlotte’s affair and the scenes of tender progression in Dani and Jamie’s romance. Other contrasts, though, are far more overt. Of course, one of the most blatant examples (and most pertinent to this analysis) is the very fact that the ghosts of Viola, Peter, and Rebecca are striving to reclaim the people they love and the lives that they’ve lost by literally possessing the bodies and existences of the living.

The role of consent is an important factor in these ghostly possessions and serves as a further contrast with Dani and Jamie’s relationship. Peter and Rebecca frequently possess Miles and Flora without their consent—at times, even, when the children explicitly tell them to stop or, at the very least, to provide them with warnings beforehand. While inhabiting the children, Peter and Rebecca go on to harm them and put them at risk (e.g. Peter smokes cigarettes while in Miles’s body; Rebecca leaves Flora alone and unconscious on the grounds outside the manor) and to commit acts of violence against others (e.g. Peter pushes Hannah into the well, killing her; Peter and Rebecca together attack Dani and restrain her). The “It’s you, it’s me, it’s us,” conceit—with which living people can invite Bly’s ghosts to possess them, the mechanism by which Dani breaks the curse of Bly’s gravity well—is a case of dubious consent at best and abusive, violent control at worst. (“I didn’t agree,” Rebecca says after Peter leaves her body, releasing his “invited” possession of her at the very moment that the lake’s waters start to fill her lungs).

Against these selfish possessions and wrong kinds of love, Jamie and Dani’s love is defined by their selfless refusal to possess one another. A key characteristic of their courtship involves them expressing vulnerability in ways that invite the other to make their own decisions about whether to accept and how to proceed (or not proceed). As we discussed earlier, Dani and Jamie’s first kiss happens after Dani opens up about her guilt surrounding her ex-fiancé’s death. Pausing that kiss, Jamie checks, “You sure?” and only continues after Dani answers with a spoken yes. (Let’s also take this moment to appreciate Amelia Eve’s excellent, whispered “Thank fuck,” that isn’t included in Netflix’s subtitles). Even so, Dani frantically breaks away from her just moments later. But Jamie accepts this and doesn’t push Dani to continue, believing, in fact, that Dani has withdrawn precisely because Jamie has pushed too much already. A week later, Dani takes the initiative to advance their budding romance by inviting Jamie out for a drink—which Jamie accepts by, instead, taking Dani to see her blooming moonflowers that very evening. There, in her own moment of vulnerability, Jamie shares her heart-wrenching and tumultuous backstory with Dani in order to “skip to the end” and spare Dani the effort of getting to know her. By openly sharing these difficult details about herself, Jamie evidently intends to provide Dani with information that would help her decide for herself whether she wants to continue their relationship or not.

Their shared refusal to possess reaches its ultimate culmination in that moment, all those years later, when Dani discovers just how close she’s come to strangling Jamie—and then leaves their home to travel all the way back to Bly and drown herself in the lake because she could “not risk her most important thing, her most important person.” Upon waking to find that Dani has left, Jamie immediately sets off to follow her back to Bly. And in an absolutely heartbreaking, beautiful scene, we see Jamie attempting the “you, me, us,” invitation, desperate for Dani to possess her, for Dani to take Jamie with her. (Y’all, I know I’m critiquing this scene right now, but I also fuckin’ love it, okay? Ugh. The sight of Jamie screaming into the water and helplessly grasping for Dani is gonna stay with me forever. brb while I go cry about it again). Dani, of course, refuses this plea. Because “Dani wouldn’t. Dani would never.” Further emphasizing the nobility of Dani’s actions, Jamie’s narration also reveals that Dani’s self-sacrificial death has not only spared Jamie alone, but has also enabled Dani to take the place of the Lady of the Lake and thereby ensure that no one else can be taken and possessed by Viola’s gravity well ever again.

And so we have the show’s ennoblement of Dani’s magnanimous self-sacrifice. By inviting Viola to possess her, drowning herself to keep from harming Jamie, and then refusing to possess Jamie or anyone else, Dani has effectively saved everyone: the children, the restive souls that have been trapped at Bly, anyone else who may ever come to Bly in the future, and the woman she loves most. Dani has also, then, broken the perpetuation of Bly’s cycles of possession and trauma with her selfless expression of love for Jamie.

The unfortunate effect of all of this is that, quite without meaning to (I think? I hope—), The Haunting of Bly Manor ends up stumbling headlong into a validation of suicide as a selfless act of true love, as a force of protection and salvation.

So, before we proceed, I just want to take this moment to say—definitively, emphatically, as someone who has survived and experienced firsthand the ineffably catastrophic consequences of suicide—that suicide is nothing remotely resembling a selfless “refusal to possess” or an act of love. I’m not going to harp extensively on this, though, because I’d rather not trigger myself for a second time (so far, lol) while writing this essay. Just take my fuckin’ word for it. And before anybody tries to hit me with some excuse like “But Squall, it isn’t that the show is valorizing suicide, it’s that Dani is literally protecting Jamie from Viola,” please consider that I’ve already discussed how the show’s depiction of this lent itself to my own noxious beliefs that “all I do is harm other people with my grief, so maybe I should stop talking to my friends so that they don’t have to deal with me anymore.” Please consider what these narrative details and their allegorical import might tell people who are struggling with their mental health—even if not with suicidal ideation, then with the notion that they should self-sacrificially remove themselves from relationships for the sake of sparing loved ones from (assumed) harm.

Okay, that said, now let’s proceed…‘cause I’ve got even more to say, ‘cause the more I mulled over these details, the more I also came to realize that Dani’s self-sacrificial death in Bly’s conclusion also has the unfortunate effect of undermining some of its other (attempted) themes and its queer representation.

What Bly Manor Tries (and Fails) to Say about Grief and Acceptance

Let’s start by jumping back to a theme we’ve already addressed briefly: moving through one’s grief.

The Haunting of Bly Manor does, in fact, have a lot to say about this. Or…it wants to, more like. On the whole, it seems like it’s trying really hard to give us a cautionary tale about the destructive effects of unprocessed grief and the misplaced guilt that we can wind up carrying around when someone we love dies. The show spends a whole lot of time preaching about how important it is that we learn to accept our losses without allowing them to totally consume us—or without lingering around in denial about them (gettin’ some Kübler-Ross in here, y’all). Sadly, though, it does kind of a half-assed job of it…despite the fact that this is a major recurring theme and a component of the characterizations and storylines of, like, most of its characters. In fact, this fundamentally Kübler-Rossian understanding of what it means to move through grief and to accept loss and mortality appears to be the show’s guiding framework. During his rehearsal dinner speech in the first episode, Owen proclaims that, “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them,” with such eerie resonance—as the camera stays set on Jamie’s unwavering gaze—that we know that what we’re about to experience is a story about accepting the inevitable losses of the people we love.

Bly Manor is chock full of characters who’re stuck in earlier stages of grief but aren’t really moving along to reach that acceptance stage. I mean, the whole cause of the main supernatural haunting is that Viola so ferociously refuses to accept her death and move on from her rage (brought about by Perdita’s resentment) that she spends centuries strangling whoever she comes across, which then effectively traps them there with her. And the other antagonistic ghostly forces, Rebecca and Peter, also obviously suck at accepting their own deaths, given that they actually believe that possessing two children is a perfectly fine (and splendid) way for them to grasp at some semblance of life again. (Actually…the more that I’ve thought about this, the more that I think each of the pre-acceptance stages of grief in Kübler-Ross’s model may even have a corresponding character to represent it: Hannah is denial; Viola is anger; Peter and Rebecca are bargaining; Henry is depression. Just a little something to chew on).

But let’s talk more at-length about this theme in relation to two characters we haven’t focused on yet: Hannah and Henry. For Hannah, this theme shows up in her struggles to accept that her husband, Sam, has left her (Charlotte wryly burns candles in the chapel as though marking his passing, while Hannah seems to be holding out hope that he might return) and in her persistent denial that Peter-as-Miles has killed her. As a ghost, she determinedly continues going about her daily life and chores even as she’s progressively losing her grip on reality. Henry, meanwhile, won’t issue official notifications of Dominic’s death and continues to collect his mail because doing otherwise would mean admitting to the true finality of Dominic’s loss. At the same time, he is so, completely consumed by his guilt about the role that he believes he played in Charlotte and Dominic’s deaths that he’s haunting himself with an evil alter-ego. His overriding guilt and despair also result in his refusal to be more present in Miles and Flora’s lives—even with the knowledge that Flora is actually his daughter.

In the end, both Hannah and Henry reach some critical moments of acceptance. But, honestly, the show doesn’t do a great job of bringing home this theme of move through your grief with either of them…or with anybody else, really. Peter basically winds up bullying Hannah into recognizing that her broken body is still at the bottom of the well—and then she accepts her own death right in time to make a completely abortive attempt at rescuing Dani and Flora. Henry finally has a preternatural Bad Feeling about things (something about a phone being disconnected? whose phone? Bly’s phone? his phone? I don’t understand), snaps to attention, and rushes to Bly right in time to make an equally abortive rescue attempt that leaves him incapacitated so that his not-quite-ghost can hang out with Hannah long enough to find out that she’s dead. But at least he decides to be an attentive uncle/dad to Miles and Flora after that, I guess. Otherwise, Hannah and Henry get handwaved away pretty quickly before we can really witness what their acceptance means for them in any meaningful detail. (I blame this on some sloppy writing and the way-too-long, all-about-Viola eighth episode. And, on that note, what about the “acceptances” of Rebecca, Peter, and Viola there at the end? Rebecca does get an interesting moment of acceptance—of a sort—with her offer to possess Flora in order to experience Flora’s imminent drowning for her, thereby sparing the child by tucking her in a happy memory. Peter just…disappears at the end with some way-too-late words of apology. Viola’s “acceptance,” however, is tricky…What she accepts is Dani’s invitation to inhabit her. More on this later).

Hannah and Henry’s stories appear to be part of the show’s efforts to warn us about the ways that unprocessed, all-consuming grief can cause us to miss opportunities to have meaningful relationships with others. Hannah doesn’t just miss her chance to be with Owen because…well, she’s dead, but also because of her unwillingness to move on from Sam beforehand. Her denial about her own death, in turn, prevents her from taking the opportunity as a ghost to tell Owen that she loves him. Henry, at least, does figure out that he’s about to lose his chance to be a caring parental figure to his daughter and nephew—but just barely. It takes the near-deaths of him and the children to finally prompt that realization.

Of the cast, Dani gets the most thorough and intentional development of this move through your grief theme. And, importantly, she learns this lesson in time to cultivate a meaningful relationship that she could’ve easily missed out on otherwise. As we’ve already discussed, a critical part of Dani’s character arc involves her realization that she has to directly confront Edmund’s death and start absolving herself of her guilt in order to open up the possibility of a romantic relationship with Jamie. In Episode 4, Jamie’s narration suggests that Dani has had a habit of putting off such difficult processes (whether in regards to moving through her grief, breaking off her engagement to Edmund, or coming to terms with her sexuality), as she’s been constantly deferring to “another night, another time for years and years.” Indeed, the show’s early episodes are largely devoted to showing the consequences of Dani’s deferrals and avoidances. From the very beginning, we see just how intrusively Dani’s unresolved guilt is impacting her daily life and functioning. She covers up mirrors to try to prevent herself from encountering Edmund’s haunting visage, yet still spots him in the reflections of windows and polished surfaces. Panic attacks seem to be regular occurrences for her, sparked by reminders of him. And all of this only gets worse and more disruptive as Dani starts acting on her attraction to Jamie.

It's only after Dani decides to begin moving through her grief and guilt that she’s able to start becoming emotionally and physically intimate with Jamie. And the major turning point for this comes during a scene that features a direct, explicit discussion of the importance of accepting (and even embracing) mortality.

That’s right—it’s time to talk about the moonflower scene.

In a very “I am extremely fed up with people not being able to deal with my traumatic past, so I’m going to tell you about all of the shit that I’ve been through so that you can go ahead and decide whether you want to bolt right now instead of just dropping me later on” move (which…legit, Jamie—I feel that), Jamie sits Dani down at her moonflower patch to give her the full rundown of her own personal backstory and worldview. Her monologue evinces both a profound cynicism and a profound valuation of human life…all of which is also suggestive, to me at least, of a traumatized person who at once desperately wishes for intimate connection, but who’s also been burned way too many times (something with which I am wholly unfamiliar, lol). She characterizes people as “exhaustive effort with very little to show for it,” only to go on to wax poetic about how human mortality is as beautiful as the ephemeral buds of a moonflower. This is, in essence, Jamie’s sorta convoluted way of articulating that whole “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them” idea.

After detailing her own past, Jamie shifts gears to suggest that she believes that cultivating a relationship with Dani—like the devoted work of growing a tropical, transient Ipomoea alba in England—might be worth the effort. And as part of this cultivation work, Jamie then acknowledges Dani’s struggles with her guilt, while also firmly encouraging her to move through it by accepting the beauty of mortality:  

“I know you’re carrying this guilt around, but I also know that you don’t decide who lives and who doesn’t. I’m sorry Dani, but you don’t. Humans are organic. It’s a fact. We’re meant to die. It’s natural…beautiful. […] We leave more life behind to take our place. Like this moonflower. It’s where all its beauty lies, you know. In the mortality of the thing.”

After that, Jamie and Dani are finally able to make out unimpeded.

Frustratingly, though, Jamie’s own dealings with grief, loss, and trauma remain terribly understated throughout the show. Her monologue in the moonflower scene is really the most insight that we ever get. Jamie consistently comes off as better equipped to contend with life’s hardships than many of Bly’s other characters; and she is, in fact, the sole member of the cast who is confirmed to have ever had any sort of professional therapy. She regularly demonstrates a remarkable sense of empathy and emotional awareness, able to pick up on others’ needs and then support them accordingly, though often in gruff, tough-love forms. Further, there are numerous scenes in which we see Jamie bestowing incisive guidance for handling difficult situations: the moonflower scene, her advice to Rebecca about contacting Henry after Peter’s disappearance, and her suggestion to Dani that Flora needs to see a psychologist, to name just a few. As such, Jamie appears to have—or, at least, projects—a sort of unflappable groundedness that sets her apart from everyone else in the show.

Bly only suggests that Jamie’s struggles run far deeper than she lets on. There are a few times that we witness quick-tempered outbursts (usually provoked by Miles) and hints of bottled-up rage. Lest we forget, although it was Flora who first found Rebecca’s dead body floating in the water, it was Jamie who then found them both immediately thereafter. We see this happen, but we never learn anything about the impact that this must have had on her. Indeed, Jamie’s exposure to the layered, compounding grief at Bly has no doubt inflicted a great deal of pain on her, suggested by details like her memorialization of Charlotte and Dominic during the bonfire scene. If we look past her flippancy, there must be more than a few grains of truth to that endless well of deep, inconsolable tears—but Jamie never actually shares what they might be. Moreover, although the moonflower scene reveals the complex traumas of her past, we never get any follow-up or elaboration about those details or Dani’s observation of the scar on her shoulder. For the most part, Jamie’s grief goes unspoken.

There’s a case to be made that these omissions are a byproduct of narrator Jamie decentering herself in a story whose primary focus is Dani. Narrator Jamie even claims that the story she’s telling “isn’t really my story. It belongs to someone I knew” (yes, it’s a diversionary tactic to keep us from learning her identity too soon—but she also means it). And in plenty of respects, the telling of the story is, itself, Jamie’s extended expression of her grief. By engaging in this act of oral storytelling to share Dani’s sacrifice with others—especially with those who would have otherwise forgotten—Jamie is performing an important ritual of mourning her wife. Still, it’s for exactly these reasons that I think it would’ve been valuable for the show to include more about the impacts that grief, loss, and trauma had on Jamie prior to Dani’s death. Jamie’s underdevelopment on this front feels more like a disappointing oversight of the show’s writing than her narrator self’s intentional, careful withholding of information. Additionally, I think that Bly leaves Jamie’s grieving on an…odd note (though, yes, I know I’m just a curmudgeonly outlier here). Those saccharine final moments of Jamie filling up the bathtub and sleeping on a chair so that she can face the cracked doorway are a little too heavy-handedly tear-jerking for my liking. And while this, too, may be a ritual of mourning after the undoubtedly taxing effort of telling Dani’s story, it may also suggest that Jamie is demurring her own acceptance of Dani’s death. Is the hand on her shoulder really Dani’s ghost? Or is it Jamie’s own hopeful fabrication that her wife’s spirit is watching over her? (Or—to counter my own point here and suggest a different alternative—could this latter idea (i.e. the imagining of Dani’s ghost) also be another valid manner of “accepting” a loss by preserving a loved one’s presence? “Dead doesn’t mean gone,” after all. …Anyway, maybe I would be more charitable to this scene if not for the hokey, totally out-of-place song. Coulda done without that, seriously).

But let’s jump back to the moonflower scene. For Dani, this marks an important moment in the progression of her own movement through grief. In combination, her newfound readiness to contend with her guilt and her eagerness to grow closer to Jamie enable Dani to find a sense of peace that she hasn’t experienced since Eddie’s death…or maybe ever, really (hang on to this thought for this essay’s final section, too). When she and Jamie sleep together for the first time, not only does Dani actually sleep well, but she also wakes the next morning to do something that she hasn’t done to that point and won’t do again: she comfortably looks into a mirror. (One small qualification to this: Dani does look into her own reflection at the diner when she and Jamie are on their road trip; Viola doesn’t interfere then, but whether this is actually a comfortable moment is questionable). Then, shifting her gaze away from her own reflection, she sees Jamie still sleeping soundly in her bed—and smiles. It’s a fleeting moment of peace. Immediately after that, she spots Flora out the window, which throws everything back into accumulating turmoil. But that moment of peace, however fleeting, is still a powerful one.

However, Bly teases this narrative about the possibilities of finding healing in the wake of traumatic loss—especially through the cultivation of meaningful and supportive relationships with others—only to then totally pull that rug out from under Dani in the final episode.

During that final episode, we see that Dani’s shared life with Jamie has supported her in coming to terms with Viola’s lurking presence, such that “at long last, deep within the au pair’s heart, there was peace. And that peace held for years, which is more than some of us ever get.” But it’s at the exact moment that that line of narration occurs that we then begin to witness Dani’s steady, inexorable decline. Sure, we could say that Dani “accepts” Viola’s intrusions and the unavoidable eventuality that the ghost will seize control of her. But this isn’t a healthy acceptance or even a depiction of the fraught relationships that we can have with grief and trauma as we continue to process them throughout our lives. At all. Instead, it’s a distinctive, destructive sense of fatalism.

“I’m not even scared of her anymore,” Dani tells Jamie as the flooded bathtub spills around them. “I just stare at her and it's getting harder and harder to see me. Maybe I should just accept that. Maybe I should just accept that and go.” Remember way back at the beginning of this essay when I pointed out that there’s a significant difference between “moving through one’s grief” and allowing one’s grief to become all-consuming? Well, by the time we reach the bathtub scene, Dani’s grief and trauma have completely overtaken her. Her “acceptance” is, thus, a fatalistic, catastrophizing determination that her trauma defines her existence, such that she believes that all she has left to do is give up her life in order to protect Jamie from her. For a less ghostly (and less suicidal ideation-y) and more real-life example to illustrate what I’m getting at here: this would be like me saying “I should just accept that I’m never going to be anything other than a traumatized mess and should stop reaching out to my friends so that I don’t keep hurting them by making them deal with what a mess I am.” If I said something like this, I suspect (hope) that you would tell me that this is not a productive acceptance, but a pernicious narrative that only hurts me and the people who care about me. Sadly, though, this kind of pernicious narrative is exactly what we get out of Bly’s ending allegory.

“But Squall,” you may be thinking, “this scene is representing how people who struggle with their mental health can actually feel. This is exactly what it can be like to have severe mental illness, even for folks who have strong support systems and healthy, meaningful relationships. And there’s value in showing that.”

And if you’re thinking that, then first of all—as I have indicated already—I am aware that this is what it can be like. Very aware. And second of all, you make a fair point, but…there are ways that the show could’ve represented this without concluding that representation with a suicide that it effectively valorizes. I’ll contend with this more in the final section, where I offer a few suggestions of other ways that Bly could’ve ended instead.

I just want to be absolutely clear that I’m not saying that I think all media portrayals of mental illness need to be hopeful or wholesome or end in “positive” ways. But what I am saying is that Bly’s conclusion offers a really fuckin’ bleak outlook on grief, trauma, and mental illness, especially when we fit that ending into the framework of the show’s other (attempted) core themes, as well as Dani’s earlier character development. It’s especially bleak to see this as someone with severe mental health issues and who has also lost a loved one to suicide—and as someone who desperately hopes that my life and worldview won’t always stay so darkly colored by my trauma.

Additionally, it’s also worth pausing here to acknowledge that fatalism is, in fact, a major theme of The Beast in the Jungle, the 1903 Henry James novella on which the ninth episode is loosely based. I confess that I’ve only read about this novella, but haven’t read the story itself. However, based on my (admittedly limited) understanding of it, there appears to be a significant thematic rupture between The Beast in the Jungle and The Haunting of Bly Manor in their treatments of fatalism. In the end of the novella, its protagonist, John Marcher, comes to the realization that his fatalism has been a horrible mistake that has caused him to completely miss out on an opportunity for love that was right in front of him all along. The tragic fate to which Marcher believed that he was doomed was, in the end, his own fatalism. Dani, in contrast, never has this moment of recognition, not only because her fatalism leads to her own death, but also because the show treats her fatalism not as something that keeps her from love, but instead as leading her towards a definitive act of love.

All of this is exactly why Dani’s portrayal has become so damn concerning to me, and why I don’t believe that Bly’s allegory of “this is what it’s like to live with mental illness and/or to love (and lose) someone who is mentally ill” is somehow value-neutral—or, worse, something worth celebrating.

How Dani’s Self-Sacrifice Bears on Bly’s Queer Representation

In my dabblings around the fandom so far, I’ve seen a fair amount of deliberation about whether or not Bly Manor’s ending constitutes an example of the Bury Your Gays trope.

Honestly, though, I am super unenthused about rehashing those deliberations or splitting hairs trying to give some definitive “yes it is” or “no it isn’t” answer, so…I’m just not going to. Instead, I’m going to offer up some further observations about how Dani’s self-sacrificial death impinges on Bly’s queer representation, regardless of whether Bury Your Gays is at work here or not.

I would also like to humbly submit that the show could’ve just…not fucked around in proximity of that trope in the first place so that we wouldn’t even need to be having these conversations.

But anyway. I’m going to start this section off with a disclaimer.

Even though I’m leveling some pretty fierce critiques in this section (and across this essay), I do also want to say that I adore that The Haunting of Bly Manor and its creators gave us a narrative that centers two queer women and their romantic relationship as its driving forces and that intentionally sets out to portray the healing potentials of sapphic love as a contrast to the destructive, coercive harms found in many conventional dynamics of hegemonic heteronormativity. I don’t want to downplay that, because I’m extremely happy that this show exists, and I sincerely believe that many elements of its representation are potent and meaningful and amazing. But…I also have some reservations with this portrayal that I want to share. I critique not because I don’t love, but because I do love. I love this show a lot. I love Dani and Jamie a lot. I critique because I love and because I want more and better in future media.

So, that being said…let’s move on to talk about Dani, self-sacrifice, and compulsory heterosexuality.

Well before Dani’s ennobled death, Bly establishes self-sacrifice as a core component of her characterization. It’s hardwired into her, no doubt due to the relentless, entangled educational work of compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) and the aggressive forms of socialization that tell girls and women that their roles in life are to sacrifice themselves in order to please others and to belong to men. Indeed, Episode 4’s series of flashbacks emphasizes the interconnectedness between comphet and Dani’s beliefs that she is supposed to sacrifice herself for others’ sakes, revealing how these forces have shaped who she is and the decisions that she’s made across her life. (While we’re at it, let’s also not lose sight of the fact that Dani’s profession during this time period is one that—in American culture, at least—has come to rely on a distinctively feminized self-sacrificiality in order to function. Prior to becoming an au pair, Dani was a schoolteacher. In fact, in one of Episode 4’s flashbacks, Eddie’s mother points out that she appreciates Dani’s knack for identifying the kids that need her the most, but also reminds Dani that she needs to take care of herself…which suggests that Dani hadn’t been: “Save them all if you can, but put your own oxygen mask on first”).

In the flashback of her engagement party, Dani’s visible discomfort during Edmund’s speech clues us in that she wasn’t preparing to marry him because she genuinely wanted to, but because she felt like she was supposed to. The “childhood sweethearts” narrative bears down on the couple, celebrated by their friends and family, vaunted by cultural constructs that prize this life trajectory as a cherished, “happily ever after” ideal. Further illustrating the pressures to which Dani had been subject, the same scene shows Eddie’s mother, Judy O’Mara, presenting Dani with her own wedding dress and asking Dani to wear it when she marries Eddie. Despite Mrs. O’Mara’s assurances that Dani can say no, the hopes that she heaps onto Dani make abundantly clear that anything other than a yes would disappoint her. Later, another flashback shows Dani having that dress sized and fitted while her mother and Mrs. O’Mara look on and chatter about their own weddings and marriages. Their conversation is imbued with further hopes that Dani’s marriage to Edmund will improve on the mistakes that they made in their lives. Meanwhile, Dani’s attentiveness to the tailor who takes her measurements, compliments her body, and places a hand on her back strongly suggests that Dani is suppressing her attraction to women. Though brief, this scene is a weighty demonstration of the ways that the enclosures of heteronormativity constrain women into believing that their only option is to deny homosexual attraction, to forfeit their own desires in order to remain in relationships with men, and to prioritize the hopes and dreams and aspirations of the people around them above their own.

Dani followed this pathway—determined for her by everyone else except herself—until she couldn’t anymore.

During the flashback of their breakup, Dani explains to Eddie that she didn’t end their relationship sooner because she thought that even just having desires that didn’t match his and his family’s was selfish of her: “I should’ve said something sooner. […] I didn’t want to hurt you, or your mom, or your family. And then it was just what we were doing. […] I just thought I was being selfish, that I could just stick it out, and eventually I would feel how I was supposed to.” As happens to so many women, Dani was on the cusp of sacrificing her life for the sake of “sticking out” a marriage to a man, all because she so deeply believed that it was her duty to satisfy everyone’s expectations of her and that it was her responsibility to change her own feelings about that plight.

And Eddie’s response to this is telling. “Fuck you, Danielle,” he says. “Why are you doing this to me?”

Pay close attention to those last two words. Underline ‘em. Bold ‘em. Italicize ‘em.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

With those two words, Eddie indicates that he views Dani’s refusal to marry him as something that she is doing to him, a harm that she is committing against him. It is as though Dani is inflicting her will on him, or even that she is unjustly attackinghim by finally admitting that her desires run contrary to his own, that she doesn’t want to be his wife. And with this statement, he confirms precisely what she anticipated would happen upon giving voice to her true feelings.

What space did Edmund, his family, or Dani’s mother ever grant for Dani to have aspirations of her own that weren’t towards the preordained role of Eddie’s future wife? Let’s jump back to that engagement party. Eddie’s entire speech reveals a very longstanding assumption of his claim over her as his wife-to-be. He’d first asked Dani to marry him when they were ten years old, after he mistakenly believed that their first kiss could get Dani pregnant; Dani turned him down then, saying that they were too young. So, over the years, as they got older, Eddie continued to repeatedly ask her—until, presumably, she relented. “Now, we’re still pretty young,” he remarks as he concludes his speech, “but I think we’re old enough to know what we want.” Significantly, Eddie speaks here not just for himself, but also for Dani. Dani’s voice throughout the entire party is notably absent, as Eddie and his mother both impose their own wishes on her, assume that she wants what they want, and don’t really open any possibility for her to say otherwise. Moreover, although there’s a palpable awkwardness that accompanies Eddie’s story, the crowd at the party chuckles along as though it’s a sweet, innocent tale of lifelong love and devotion, and not an instance of a man whittling away at a woman’s resistance until she finally caved to his pursuit of her.

All of this suggests that Eddie shared in the socialized convictions of heteropatriarchy, according to which Dani’s purpose and destiny were to marry him and to make him happy. His patterns of behavior evince the unquestioned presumptions of so many men: that women exist in service to them and their wants, such that it is utterly inconceivable that women could possibly desire otherwise. As a political institution, heteropatriarchy tells men that they are entitled to women’s existences, bodies, futures. And, indeed, Eddie can’t seem to even imagine that Dani could ever want anything other than the future that he has mapped out for them. (Oh, hey look, we’ve got some love vs. possession going on here again).

For what it’s worth, I think that the show’s portrayal of compulsory heterosexuality is excellent. I love that the writers decided to tackle this. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I found all of this to be extremelyrelatable. I might even be accused of over-relating and projecting my own experiences onto my readings here, but…there were just too many resonances between Dani’s experiences and my own. Mrs. O’Mara’s advice to Dani to “put your own oxygen mask on first” is all too reminiscent of the ways that my ex’s parents would encourage me to “heal” from my brother’s loss…but not for the sake of my own wellbeing, but so that I would return to prioritizing the care of their son and existing to do whatever would make him happy. I’ll also share here that what drove me to break up with my ex-fiancé wasn’t just his unwillingness to contend with my grief, but the fact that he had decided that the best way for me to heal from my loss would be to have a baby. He insisted that I could counteract my brother’s death by “bringing new life into the world.” And he would not take no for an answer. He told me that if I wouldn’t agree to try to have children in the near future, then he wasn’t interested in continuing to stay with me. It took me months to pluck up the courage, but I finally answered this ultimatum by ending our relationship myself. Thus, like Dani, I came very close to sacrificing myself, my wants, my body, my future, and my life for the sake of doing what my fiancé and his family wanted me to do, all while painfully denying my own attraction to women. What kept me from “sticking it out” any longer was that I finally decided that I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself for a man I didn’t love (and who clearly didn’t love me) and decided, instead, to reclaim my own wants and needs away from him.

For Dani, however, the moment that she finally begins to reclaim her wants and needs away from Eddie is also the moment that he furiously jumps out of the driver’s seat and into the path of a passing truck, which leaves her to entangle those events as though his death is her fault for finally asserting herself.

Of course, the guilt that Dani feels for having “caused” Eddie’s death isn’t justa matter of breaking up with him and thereby provoking a reaction that would prove fatal—it’s also the guilt of her suppressed homosexual desire, of not desiring Eddie in the first place. In other words, internalized homophobia is an inextricable layer of the culpability that Dani feels. Internalized homophobia is also what’s haunting her. As others (such as Rowan Ellis, whose deep dive includes a solid discussion of internalized homophobia in Bly, as well as a more at-length examination of Bury Your Gays than I’m providing here) have pointed out, the show highlights this metaphorically by having Dani literally get locked into a closet with Edmund’s ghost in the very first episode. Further reinforcing this idea is the fact that these spectral visions get even worse as Dani starts to come to terms with and act on her attraction to Jamie, as though the ghost is punishing her for her desires. Across Episode 3, as Dani and Jamie begin spending more time together, Edmund’s ghost concurrently begins materializing in more shocking, visceral forms (e.g. his bleeding hand in Dani’s bed; his shadowy figure lurking behind Dani after she’s held Jamie’s hand) that exceed the reflective surfaces to which he’d previously been confined. This continues into Episode 4, where each of Eddie’s appearances follows moments of Dani’s growing closeness to Jamie. A particularly alarming instance occurs when Dani just can’t seem to pry her gaze away from a dressed-up Jamie who’s in the process of some mild undressing. Finally turning away from Jamie, Dani becomes aware of Eddie’s hands on her hips. It’s a violating reminder of his claims over her, horrifying in its invocation of men’s efforts to coerce and control women’s sexuality.

It is incredibly powerful, then, to watch Dani answer all of this by becoming more resolute and assertive in the expression of her wants and needs. The establishment of her romantic relationship with Jamie isn’t just the movement through grief and guilt that we discussed earlier; it’s also Dani’s defiance of compulsory heterosexuality and her fierce claiming of her queer existence. Even in the face of all that’s been haunting her, Dani initiates her first kiss with Jamie; and Eddie’s intrusion in that moment is only enough to temporarily dissuade her, as Dani follows this up by then asking Jamie out for a drink at the pub to “see where that takes them” (i.e. up to Jamie’s flat to bang, obviously). The peace that Dani finds after having sex with Jamie for the first time is, therefore, also the profound fulfillment of at last having her first sexual experience with a woman, of finally giving expression to this critical part of herself that she’d spent her entire life denying. Compulsory heterosexuality had dictated to Dani that she must self-sacrifice to meet the strictures of heteropatriarchy, to please everyone except herself; but in her relationship with Jamie, Dani learns that she doesn’t have to do this at all. This is only bolstered by the fact that, as we’ve talked about at length already, Jamie is very attentive to Dani’s needs and respectful of her boundaries. Jamie doesn’t want Dani to do anything other than what Dani wants to do. And so, in the cultivation of their romantic partnership, Dani thus comes to value her own wants and needs in a way that she hasn’t before.

The fact that the show nails all of this so fucking well is what makes all that comes later so goddamn frustrating.

The final episode chronicles Dani and Jamie forging a queer life together that the rest of us can only dream of, including another scene of Dani flouting homophobia and negotiating her own internal struggles so that she can be with Jamie. “I know we can’t technically get married,” she tells Jamie when she proposes to her, “but I also don’t really care.” And with her awareness that the beast in the jungle is starting to catch up with her, Dani tells Jamie that she wants to spend whatever time she has left with her.

But then…

A few scenes later—along with a jump of a few years later, presumably—Jamie arrives home with the licenses that legally certify their civil union in the state of Vermont. It’s a monumental moment. In 2000, Vermont became the first state to introduce civil unions, which paved the way for it to later (in 2009) become the first state to pass legislation that recognized gay marriages without needing to have a court order mandating that the state extend marriage rights beyond opposite-sex couples. I appreciate that Bly’s creatorsincorporated this significant milestone in the history of American queer rights into the show. But its positioning in the show also fuckin’ sucks. Just as Jamie is announcing the legality of her and Dani’s civil union and declaring that they’ll have another marriage ceremony soon, we see water running into the hallway. This moves us into that scene with the flooded bathtub, as Jamie finds Dani staring into the water, unaware of anything else except the reflection of Viola staring back at her. Thus, it is at the exact moment when her wife proudly shares the news of this incredible achievement in the struggle for queer rights—for which queer folks have long fought and are continuing to fight to protect in the present—that Dani has completely, hopelessly resigned herself to Viola’s possession.

I want to be careful to clarify here that, in making this observation, I don’t mean to posit some sort of “Dani should have fought back against Viola” argument, which—within the context of our allegorical readings—might have the effect of damagingly suggesting that Dani should have fought harder to recover from mental illness or terminal disease. But I do mean to point out the incredibly grim implications that the juxtaposition of these events engenders, especially when we contemplate them (as we did in the previous section) within the overall frameworks of the show’s themes and Dani’s character development. After all that has come before, after we’ve watched Dani come to so boldly assert her queer desire and existence, it is devastating to see the show reduce her to such a despairing state that doesn’t even give her a chance to register that she and Jamie are now legal partners.

Why did you have to do this, Bly? Why?

Further compounding this despair, the next scene features the resumption of Dani’s self-sacrificial beliefs and behaviors, which results in her demise, and which leaves Jamie to suffer through the devastation of her wife’s death. This resumption of self-sacrifice hence demolishes all of that beautiful work of asserting Dani’s queer existence and learning that she doesn’t need to sacrifice herself that I just devoted two thousand words to describing above.

Additionally, in the end, Dani’s noble self-sacrifice also effects a safe recuperation of heteronormativity…which might add more evidence to a Bury Your Gays claim, oops.

And that is because, in the end, after we see Jamie screaming into the water and Dani forever interred at the bottom of the lake in which she drowned herself, we come to the end of Jamie’s story and return to Bly Manor’s frame narrative: Flora’s wedding.

At the start of the show, the evening of Flora and Unnamed Man’s (Wikipedia says his name is James? idk, w/e) rehearsal dinner provides the occasion and impetus for Jamie’s storytelling. Following dinner, Flora, her fiancé, and their guests gather around a fireplace and discuss a ghost story about the venue, a former convent. With a captive audience that includes her primary targets—Flora and Miles, who have forgotten what happened at Bly and, by extension, all that Dani sacrificed and that Jamie lost so that they could live their lives free of the trauma of what transpired—and with a topically relevant conversation already ongoing, Jamie interjects that she has a ghost story of her own to share…and thus, the show’s longer, secondary narrative begins.

When Jamie’s tale winds to a close at the end of the ninth episode, the show returns us to its frame, that scene in front of the cozy, crackling fire. And it is there that we learn that it is, in fact, Jamie who has been telling us this story all along.

As the other guests trickle away, Flora stays behind to talk to Jamie on her own. A critical conversation then ensues between them, which functions not only as Jamie’s shared wisdom to Flora, but also as the show’s attempt to lead viewers through what they’ve just experienced and thereby impart its core message about the secondary narrative. The frame narrative is, thus, also a direct address to the audience that tells us what we should take away from the experience. By this point, the show has thoroughly established that Jamie is a gentle-but-tough-love, knowledgeable, and trustworthy guide through the trials of accepting grief and mortality, and so it is Jamie who leaves Flora and us, the audience, with the show’s final word about how to treasure the people we love while they are still in our lives and how to grieve them if we survive beyond them. (But, by this point in this essay, we’ve also learned that Bly’s messages about grief and mortality are beautiful but also messy and unconvincing, even with this didactic ending moment).

With all of this in mind, we can (and should) ask some additional questions of the frame narrative.

One of those questions is: Why is the secondary narrative being told from/within this particular frame?

Answering this question within the show’s diegesis (by asking it of the narrator) is easy enough. Jamie is performing a memorialization of Dani’s life and sacrifice at an event where her intended audience happens to be gathered, ensuring that Miles and Flora begin to recognize what Dani did for them in a manner that maybe won’t just outright traumatize them.

Okay, sure, yeah. True. Not wrong.

But let’s interrogate this question more deeply—let’s ask it of the show itself. So, Bly Manor: Why is the secondary narrative being told from/within this particular frame?

We could also tweak this question a bit to further consider: What is the purpose of the frame? A frame narrative can function to shape audiences’ interpretations of and attitudes towards the secondary narrative. So, in this case, let’s make our line of questioning even more specific. What does the frame of Flora’s wedding do for Bly’s audiences?

Crucially, the framing scene at the fireplace provides us with a sense that we’ve returned to safety after the horror of the ghost story we’ve just experienced. To further assure us of this safety, then, Bly’s frame aims to restore a sense of normality, a sense that the threat that has provoked fear in us has been neutralized, a sense of hope that endures beyond tragedy. Indeed, as we fade from the secondary narrative and return to the frame, Jamie’s narration emphasizes how Dani’s selfless death has brought peace to Bly Manor by breaking its cycles of violence and trauma: “But she won’t be hollow or empty, and she won’t pull others to her fate. She will merely walk the grounds of Bly, harmless as a dove for all of her days, leaving the only trace of who she once was in the memory of the woman who loved her most.”

What Dani has accomplished with her self-sacrifice, then, is a longstanding, prevailing, expected staple of Western—and especially American—storytelling: redemption.

American media is rife with examples of this narrative formula (in which an individual must take selfless action—which may or may not involve self-sacrificial death—in order to redeem an imperiled community by restoring a threatened order) to an extent that is kind of impossible to overstate. Variations of this formula are everywhere, from film to television to comics to videogames to news reports. It is absolutely fundamental to our cultural understandings of what “heroism” means. And it’s been this way for, umm…a long time, largely thanks to that most foundational figure of Western myth, some guy who was crucified for everybody’s sins or something. (Well, that and the related popularization of Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey, but…I’m not gonna go off onto a whole rant about that right now, this essay is already too long as it is).

In Bly Manor, the threatened order is the natural process of death itself, which Viola has disrupted with a gravity well that traps souls and keeps them suspended within physical proximity of the manor. Dani’s invitation to Viola is the initial step towards salvation (although, I think it’s important to note that this is not entirely intentional on Dani’s part. Jamie’s narration indicates that Dani didn’t entirely understand what she was doing with the “It’s you, it’s me, it’s us” invitation, so self-sacrifice was not necessarily her initial goal). It nullifies the gravity well and resumes the passage of death, which liberates all of the souls that have been trapped at Bly and also produces additional opportunities for others’ atonements (e.g. Peter’s apology to Miles; Henry’s guardianship of the children). But it’s Dani’s suicide that is the ultimate completion of the redemptive task. It is only by “giving herself to the lake” that Dani is able to definitively dispel Viola’s threat and confer redemptive peace to Bly Manor.

It’s tempting to celebrate this incredibly rare instance of a queer woman in the heroic-redemptive role, given that American media overwhelmingly reserve it for straight men. But I want to strongly advise that we resist this temptation. Frankly, there’s a lot about the conventional heroic-redemptive narrative formula that sucks, and I’d rather that we work to advocate for other kinds of narratives, instead of just championing more “diversity” within this stuffy old model of heroism. Explaining what sucks about this formula is beyond the purview of this essay, though. But my next point might help to illustrate part of why it sucks (spoiler: it’s because it tends to prop up traditional, dominant structures of power and relationality).

So…What I want us to do is entertain the possibility that Dani’s redemptive self-sacrifice might serve specific purposes for straight audiences, especially in the return to the frame at the end.

Across The Haunting of Bly Manor, we’ve seen ample examples of heterosexuality gone awry. The show has repeatedly called our attention to the flaws and failings of heterosexual relationships against the carefully cultivated safety, open communication, and mutual fulfillment of a queer romance between two women. But, while queer audiences may celebrate this about this show, for straight audiences, this whole situation might just wind up producing anxiety instead—as though heterosexuality is also a threatened order within the world of Bly Manor. More generally, asking straight audiences to connect with a queer couple as the show’s main protagonists is an unaccustomed challenge with which they’re not normally tasked; thus, the show risks leaving this dominant viewer base uncomfortable, threatened, and resentful, sitting with the looming question of whether heterosexuality is, itself, redeemable.

In answer to this, Dani’s self-sacrifice provides multiple assurances to straight audiences. To begin with, her assumption of the traditional heroic-redemptive role secures audiences within the familiar confines of that narrative formula, which also then promises that Dani is acting as a protector of threatened status quos and not as another source of peril. What Bly Manor is doing here is, in effect, acknowledging that it may have challenged (and even threatened) straight audiences with its centerpiece of a queer romance—and that, likewise, queers themselves may be challenging the status quos of romantic partnerships by, for instance, demanding marriage rights and improvements in media representations—while also emphatically reassuring those audiences in the wake of that challenge that Dani and Jamie haven’t created and aren’t going to create too much disturbance with their queerness. They’re really not that threatening, Bly swears. They’re harmless as a dove. They’re wholesome. They’re respectable. They—and queer folks more generally—aren’t going to totally upend everything, really. Look, they’ll even sacrifice themselves to save everyone and redeem imperiled communities and threatened orders—even heterosexuality itself!

A critical step towards achieving this assurance is the leveling of the playing field. In order for the show to neutralize the threat of queerness for straight audiences, comfort them with a return to safety, and promise them that heterosexuality is redeemable, the queer women need to have an on-screen tragic end to their relationship just like all of the straight couples have. And so, Dani must die and Jamie must grieve.

That accomplished, the show then immediately returns to the frame, the scene at the fireplace following Flora’s rehearsal dinner.

There—after we’ve witnessed so much queer joy and queer tragedy crammed into this final episode—we see Flora and her fiancé, bride and groom, sitting together, arms linked, taking in all that Jamie has to tell them. And with this warm, idyllic image of impending matrimony between man and wife, the safety to which straight audiences return in the frame is, therefore, also the safety of a heterosexuality that can find its redemption through Dani’s self-sacrifice. Not only does Dani’s death mean that Flora can live (and go on to marry her perfectly bland, unremarkable husband, all without the trauma of what happened at Bly), but it also means that she—and, with her, straight audiences—can ultimately benefit from the lessons about true love, loss, and grieving that Dani’s self-sacrifice and Jamie’s story bestow.

And so, Bly Manor concludes with a valorization of redemptive self-sacrifice and an anodyne recuperation of heteronormativity, bequeathing Flora with the opportunities to have and to hold the experiential knowledge that Dani and Jamie have provided for her. Here, queer tragedy serves up an educational opportunity for heterosexual audiences in a challengingly “inclusive,” but otherwise essentially non-threatening manner. The ending is a gentle, non-traumatizing, yet frank lesson to heterosexual audiences in the same way that Jamie’s story is a gentle, non-traumatizing, yet frank lesson to Flora.

Did the show’s creators intentionally do all of this to set about providing such assurances to straight audiences? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t really know—or care! But, especially in light of incidents like the recent “Suletta and Miorine’s relationship is up to interpretation” controversy following the Gundam: Witch from Mercury finale, I absolutely do not put it past media corporations and content creators to very intentionally take steps to prioritize the comfort of straight audiences against the threats of queer love. And anyway, intentional or not, all of this still has effects and implications loaded with meaning, as I have tried to account for here.

Honestly, though, I can’t quite shake the feeling that there’s some tension between Jamie, Owen, and maybe also Henry about Jamie’s decision to publicly share Dani’s story in front of Flora and Miles. Owen’s abrupt declaration that it’s getting late and that they should wrap up seems like an intervention—like he’s been as patient and understanding as he possibly could up to that point, but now, he’s finally having to put a stop to Jamie’s deviance. I can’t help but read the meaningful stares that pass between them at both ends of the frame as a complex mixture of compassion and fraught disagreement (and I wish that the show had done more with this). The scene where Dani and Jamie visit Owen at his restaurant seems to set up the potential for this unspoken dispute. By their expressions and mannerisms (Dani’s stony stare; the protective way that Jamie holds her as her own gaze is locked on Dani), it’s clear that Dani and Jamie are aghast that Flora and Miles have forgotten what happened and that Owen believes that they should just be able to live their lives without that knowledge. And it’s also clear, by her very telling of Dani’s story, that Jamie disagrees with him. Maybe I’m over-imposing my own attitudes here, but I’m left with the impression that Jamie resents the coddling of Miles and Flora just like I’m resenting the coddling of straight audiences…that Jamie resents that she and Dani have had to give up everything so that Miles and Flora can continue living their privileged lives just like I’m resenting the exploitation of queer tragedy for the sake preserving straight innocence. (As Jamie says to Hannah when Dani puts the children to work in the garden: “You can’t give them a pass forever.” Disclaimer: I’m not saying that I want Miles and Flora to be traumatized, but I am saying that I agree with Jamie, because hiding traumatic shit is not how to resolve inter-generational trauma. Anyway—).

Also, I don’t know about y’all, but I find Flora and Jamie’s concluding conversation to be super cringe. Maybe it’s because I’m gay and just have way too much firsthand experience with this sort of thing from my own comphet past, but Flora’s whole “I just keep thinking about that silly, gorgeous, insane man I’m marrying tomorrow. I love him. More than I ever thought I could love anybody. And the crazy thing is, he loves me the same exact amount,” spiel just absolutely screams “woman who is having to do all of the emotional work in her relationship with an absolutely dull, mediocre, emotionally illiterate man and is desperately trying to convince herself that he does, in fact, love her as much as she (believes) that she loves him.”

I feel like this is a parody of straightness?? Is this actually sincere??

This is what Dani gave up her life to redeem??

To me, this is just more bleak shit that Bly leaves us with. It is so painful to watch.

Bless.

Okay, so I know that I said that I wasn’t going to offer a definitive yes or no about whether Bly commits Bury Your Gays with Dani’s death, but…after writing all of this out, I’m honestly kinda leaning towards a yes.

But I’m already anticipating that folks are gonna push back against me on this. So I just want to humbly submit, again, that Bly could have just not done this. It could have just not portrayed Dani’s death at all.

To really drive this point home, then, I’m going to conclude this essay by suggesting just a few ways that The Haunting of Bly Manor could have ended without Dani’s self-sacrificial death—or without depicting her death on-screen at all.

Bly Manor Could Have Ended Differently

Mike Flanagan—creator, director, writer, editor, executive producer, showrunner, etc. of The Haunting of Bly Manor—has stated that he believes that the show’s ending is a happy one.

I, on the other hand, believe that Bly’s ending is…not. In my view, the way that the ending treats Dani is unnecessarily cruel and exploitative. “Happy ending”—really? If I let myself be cynical about it (which I do), I honestly think that Dani’s death is a pretty damn transparent effort to squeeze out some tears with a sloppy, mawkish, feel-good veneer slapped over it. And if we peel back that veneer and look under it, what we find is quite bleak.

To be fair, for a psychological horror show that’s so centrally about grief and trauma, Bly Manor does seem to profess an incredibly strong sense of hopefulness. Underlying the entirety of the show is a profound faith in all the good and beauty that can come from human connection, however fleeting our lives may be—and even if we make a ton of dumb, awful mistakes along the way. If I’m being less cynical about it, I do also think that the show’s ending strives to demonstrate a peak expression of this conviction. But—at least in my opinion—it doesn’t succeed in this goal. In my writing of this essay, I’ve come to believe that the show instead ends in a state of despair that is at odds with what it appears to want to achieve.

So, in this final section, I’m going to offer up a few possibilities for ways that the show could have ended that maybe wouldn’t have so thoroughly undermined its own attempted messages.

Now, if I were actually going to fix the ending of The Haunting of Bly Manor, I would honestly overhaul a ton of the show to arrive at something completely different. But I’m not going to go through all the trouble of rewriting the entire show here, lol. Instead, I’m going to work with most of what’s already there, leading out from Viola’s possession of Dani (even though I don’t actually like that part of the show either – maybe someday I’ll write about other implications of Viola’s possession of Dani beyond these allegorical readings, but not right now). I’m also going to try to adhere to some of the show’s core themes and build on some of the allegorical possibilities that are already in place. Granted, the ideas that I pose here wouldn’t fix everything, by any stretch of the imagination; but they would, at least (I hope), mitigate some of the issues that I’ve outlined over the course of this essay. And one way or another, I hope that they’ll help to demonstrate that Dani’s self-sacrificial death was completely unnecessary. (Seriously, just not including Dani’s death would’ve enabled the show to completely dodge the question of Bury Your Gays and would’ve otherwise gone a long way towards avoiding the problems with the show’s queer representation).

So, here's how this is going to work. First, I’m going to pose a few general, guiding questions before then proposing an overarching thematic modification that expands on an idea that’s already prominent across the show. This will then serve as the groundwork for two alternative scenarios. I’m not going to go super into detail with either of these alternatives; mostly, I just want to demonstrate that the show that could’ve easily replaced the situation leading to Dani drowning herself. (For the record, I also think that the show could’ve benefitted from having at least one additional episode—and from some timing and pacing restructuring otherwise. So, before anybody tries an excuse like “but this wouldn’t fit into the last episode,” I want to urge that we imagine these possibilities beyond that limitation).

Let’s start off by returning to a point that I raised in the earlier conversation about grief and acceptance: the trickiness of Viola’s “acceptance.”

What Viola “accepts” in the end aren’t her losses or her own mortality, but Dani’s desperate, last-ditch-effort invitation to inhabit her. Within the show’s extant ending, Viola never actually comes to any kind of acceptance otherwise. Dani’s suicide effectively forces her dissolution, eradicating her persistent presence through the redemptive power of self-sacrifice. But in all of my viewings of the show and in all of my efforts to think through and write about it, there’s a question that’s been bugging me to no end: Why does Viola accept Dani’s invitation in the first place?

We know that Peter figured out the “it’s you, it’s me, it’s us” trick in his desperation to return to some form of life and to leave the grounds of Bly Manor. But…what is the appeal of it for Viola? How do her own motivations factor into it? For so long, Viola’s soul has been tenaciously persisting at Bly all so that she can repeatedly return to the physical locus of her connection with her husband and daughter, their shared bedroom in the manor. She’s done this for so long that she no longer even remembers why she’s doing it—she just goes back there to grab whatever child she can find and strangles whoever happens to get in her way. So what would compel her to accept Dani’s invitation? What does she get out of it—and what does she want out of it? What does her acceptance mean? And why, then, does her acceptance result in the dissipation of the gravity well?

We can conjecture, certainly. But the show doesn’t actually provide answers to these questions. Indeed, one of the other major criticisms that I have of Bly is that it confines all of Viola’s development to the eighth episode alone. I really think that it needed to have done way more to characterize her threat and at least gestureat her history sooner, rather than leaving it all to that penultimate episode, interrupting and drawing out the exact moment when she’s about to kill Dani. (Like, after centuries of Viola indiscriminately killing people, and with so many ghosts that’ve been loitering around for so long because of that, wouldn’t Bly Manor have rampant ghost stories floating around about it by the time Dani arrives? But there’s only one minor suggestion of that possibility: Henry indicating that he might’ve met a soldier ghost once. That’s it. And on that note, all of the ghosts at the manor needed to have had more screentime and development, really). Further, it’s disappointing that the show devotes that entire eighth episode to accounting for Viola’s motivations, only to then reduce her to Big, Bad, Unspeakable Evil in the final episode, with no rhyme or reason for what she’s doing, all so that she can necessitate Dani’s death.

As we continue pondering these unanswered questions, there’s also another issue that I want to raise, which the show abandons only as an oblique, obscure consideration. And that is: How the hell did Jamie acquire all that extensive knowledge about Viola, the ghosts of the manor, and all that happened, such that she is able to tell Bly’sstory in such rich detail? My own sort of headcanon answer to this is that Viola’s possession of Dani somehow enabled Viola to regain some of her own memories—as well as, perhaps, a more extended, yet also limited awareness of the enduring consciousnesses of the other ghosts—while also, in turn, giving Dani access to them, too. Dani then could have divulged what she learned to Jamie, which would account for how Jamie knows so much. I bring this up because it provides one possible response to the question of “What does Viola get out of her possession of Dani?” (especially given the significant weight that the show places on the retention of one’s memories—more on this in a moment) and because this is an important basis for both of my proposed alternative scenarios.

Before we dig into those alternative scenarios, however, there’s also a thematic modification that I want to suggest, which would help to provide another answer to “What does Viola get out of her possession of Dani?” while also alleviating the issues that lead into the valorization of Dani’s suicide. That thematic modification involves how the show defines love. Although Bly’s sustained contrasts between love and possession have some valuable elements, I think that the ending would’ve benefitted from downplaying the love vs. possession theme (which is where we run into so much trouble with Dani’s self-sacrifice, and which has also resulted in some celebratory conflations between “selflessness” and self-sacrifice that I’ve seen crop up in commentary about the show—but, y’all, self-sacrifice is not something to celebrate in romantic partnerships, so please, please be careful idolizing that) to instead play up a different theme: the idea that love is the experience of feeling such safety and security with another person that we can find opportunities for peace by being with them.

Seeking peace—and people with whom to feel safe enough to share traumas and experience peace—is a theme that already runs rampant across the show, so this modification is really just a matter of accentuating it differently. It’s also closely linked to the moving through grief theme that we’ve already discussed at length, as numerous characters in Bly express desires for solitude with loved ones as a way of finding relief and healing from their pain, grief, and trauma. (And I suspect that I latched onto this because I have desperately wanted peace, calm, and stillness in the midst of my own acute, compounding traumas…and because my own former romantic partner was obviously not someone with whom I felt safe enough to experience the kind of peace that would’ve allowed me to begin the process of healing).

We run into this idea early in the development of Jamie and Dani’s romance, as narrator Jamie explains in the scene leading up to their first kiss, “The au pair was tired. She’d been tired for so long. Yet without even realizing she was doing it, she found herself taking her own advice that she’d given to Miles. She’d chosen someone to keep close to her that she could feel tired around.” Following this moment, at the beginning of Episode 5, narrator Jamie then foregrounds Hannah’s search for peace (“The housekeeper knew, more than most, that deep experience was never peaceful. And because she knew this ever since she’d first called Bly home, she would always find her way back to peace within her daily routine, and it had always worked”), which calls our attention to the ways that Hannah has been retreating into her memory of her first meeting with Owen as a crucial site of peace against the shock of her own death. Grown-up Flora even gushes about “that easy silence you only get with your forever person who loves you as much as you love them” when she’s getting all teary at Jamie about her husband-to-be.

Of course, this theme is already actively at work in the show’s conclusion as well. During her “beast in the jungle” monologue, Dani tells Jamie that she feels Viola “in here. It’s so quiet…it’s so quiet. She’s in here. And this part of her that’s in here, it isn’t…peaceful.” As such, Viola’s whole entire issue is that, after all those centuries, she has not only refused to accept her own death, but she’s likewise never been at peace—she’s still not at peace. Against Viola’s unpeaceful presence, however, Dani does find peace in her life with Jamie…at least temporarily, until Viola’s continued refusal of peace leads to Dani’s self-destructive sense of fatalism. Still, in her replacement of Viola as the new Lady of the Lake, Dani exists as a prevailing force of peace (she’s “harmless as a dove”); however, incidentally, she only accomplishes this through the decidedly non-peaceful, violent act of taking her own life.

But…what if that hadn’t been the case?

What if, instead, the peace that Dani finds in her beautiful, queer, non-self-sacrificing existence with Jamie had also enabled Viola to find some sense of peace of her own? What if, through her inhabitation of Dani, Viola managed to, like…calm the fuck down some? What if Dani’s safety and solitude worked to at least somewhat assuage Viola’s rage—and even guide her towards some other form of acceptance?

Depending on how this developed, the show could’ve borne out the potential for a much more subversive conclusion than what we actually got. Rather than All-Consuming-Evil Viola’s forced dissolution through the violence of Dani’s redemptive self-sacrifice (and its attendant recuperation of heteronormativity), we could’ve instead had the makings of a narrative about sapphic love as a source of healing that’s capable of breaking cycles of violence and trauma. And I think that it would’ve been possible for the show to accomplish this without a purely “happy” ending in which everything was just magically fine, and all the trauma dissipated, and there were no problems in the world ever again. The show could have, in fact, managed this while preserving the allegorical possibilities of Viola’s presence as mental and/or terminal illness.

But, before I can start describing how this could’ve happened, there’s one last little outstanding problem that I need to address. In the video essay that I cited earlier, Rowan Ellis suggests that there are limitations to the “Viola as a stand-in for mental/terminal illness” reading of the show because of the fact that Dani invites Viola into herself and, therefore, willingly brings on her own suffering. But I don’t think that this is quite the case or that it interferes with these allegorical readings. As I’ve already mentioned at various points, Dani doesn’t entirely understand the implications of what she’s doing when she issues her invitation to Viola; and even so, the invitation is still a matter of a dubious consent that evidently cannot be withdrawn once initially granted—at the absolute most generous characterization. Dani’s invitation is a snap decision, a frantic attempt to save Flora after everyone and everything else has failed. Consequently, we don’t necessarily have to construe Viola’s presence in Dani’s life as a matter of Dani “willingly inviting her own suffering,” but can instead understand it as the wounds and traumas that persist after Dani has risked her life to rescue Flora. In this way, the show could have also challenged the traditional heroic-redemptive narrative formula by offering a more explicit commentary on the all-too-often unseen ramifications of selflessly “heroic” actions (instead of just heedlessly perpetuating their glorification and, with them, self-sacrifice). Dani may have saved Flora—but at what cost to herself? What long-term toll might this lasting trauma exact on her?

And with that, we move into my two alternative ending scenarios.

Alternative Ending 1: Progressive Memory Loss

Memory and its loss are such significant themes in Bly Manor that theycould use an essay all their own.

I am, however, going to refrain from writing such an essay at this moment in time (I’m already super tired from writing this one, lol).

Still, the first of my alternative scenarios would bring these major themes full-circle—and would make Jamie eat her words.

In this alternative scenario, Viola would find some sense of peace—even if fraught and, at times, tumultuous—in her possession of Dani. As her rage subsides, she is even able to regain fragmented pieces of her own memory, which Dani is also able to experience. The restoration of Viola’s memory, albeit vague and scattered, leads Dani to try to learn even more about Viola’s history at Bly in an effort to at least partially fill in the gaps. As time goes on, though, Viola’s co-habitation within Dani’s consciousness leads to the steady degradation of Dani’s own memory. The reclamation of Viola’s memories would occur, then, concomitant with a steady erosion of both herself and Dani. Thus, Dani would still undergo an inexorable decline across the show’s ending, but one more explicitly akin to degenerative neurological diseases associated with aging, accentuating the “Viola as terminal illness” allegory while also still carrying resonances of the residual reverberations of trauma (given that memory loss is often a common consequence of acute trauma). Jamie would take on the role of Dani’s caregiver, mirroring and more directly illuminating the role that Owen plays for his mother earlier in the show. By the show’s conclusion, Dani would still be alive, including during the course of the frame narrative.

I mentioned earlier in this essay that I’ve endured even more trauma and grief since my brother’s death and since my breakup with my ex-fiancé. So, I’ll share another piece of it with you now: shortly after my breakup, my dad was diagnosed with one of those degenerative neurological diseases that I listed way back at the very beginning. I moved home not only to get away from my ex, but also to become a caregiver. In the time that I’ve been home, I’ve had no choice but to behold my dad’s continuous, irreversible decline and his indescribable suffering. He has further health issues, including a form of cancer. As a result, he now harbors a sense of fatalism that he’ll never be able to reconcile—he does not have the cognitive capacities to address his despair or turn it into some other form of acceptance. He is merely, in essence, awaiting his death. Hence, fatalism is something that I have had to “accept” as a regular component of my own life. (In light of this situation, you may be wondering if I have thoughts and opinions on medical aid in dying, given all that I have had to say so far about fatalism and suicide. And the answer is yes, I do have thoughts and opinions…but they are complex, and I don’t really want to try to account for them here).

Indeed, I live in a suspended, indefinite state of grieving. Day in and day out, I watch my father perish before my eyes, anticipating the blow of fresh grief that will strike when he dies. I watch my mother’s grief. I watch my father’s grief. He forgets about the symptoms of his disease; he looks up his disease to try to learn about it; he re-discovers his inevitable demise anew; the grieving process restarts again. (“She would wake, she would walk, she would forget […] and she would fade and fade and fade”).

What, then, does acceptance look like when grief is so ongoing and so protracted?

What does acceptance look like in the absence of any possibility of acceptance?

Kübler-Ross’s “five stages of grief” model has been a meaningful guide for countless folks in their efforts to navigate grief and loss. Yet, the model has also been subject to a great deal of critique. Critics have accused the model of, among other things, suggesting that grieving is a linear process, whereby a person moves from one stage to the next and then ends conclusively at acceptance (when grieving is, in fact, an incredibly uneven, nonlinear, and inconclusive process). Relatedly, they have also called attention to the fact that the model commonly gets used prescriptively in ways that usher grieving folks towards the end goal of acceptance and cast judgment on those who do not reach that stage. These are criticisms that I would level at Bly’s application of Kübler-Ross as well. Earlier, we thoroughly covered the show’sissues with grief and acceptance as major themes; but in addition to those issues, Bly alsotends to steer its characters towards abrupt endpoints of acceptance, while doling out punishments to those who “refuse” to accept. At root, there are normative ascriptions at work in the show’s very characterization of deferred acceptance as refusal and acceptance itself as an active choice that one has to make.

This alternative ending, then, would have the potential to challenge and complicate the show’s handling of grief by approaching Jamie’s grieving and Dani’s fatalism from very different angles. As Dani’s caregiver, Jamie would encounter and negotiate grief in ongoing and processual ways, which would continue to evolve as her wife’s condition worsens and her caregiving responsibilities mount, thereby lending new layers of meaning to the message that “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them.” Dani’s fatalism here could also serve as a different interpretation of James’s Beast in the Jungle; perhaps her sense of fatalism ebbs and flows, morphs and contorts along with the progression of her memory loss as she anticipates the gradual whittling-away of her selfhood—or even forgets that inevitability entirely. Still a tragic, heart-rending ending to the show, this scenario may not have the dramatic force of Jamie screaming into the waters of the lake, but it would be a relatable depiction of the ways that many real-life romances conclude. (And, having witnessed the extent of my mom’s ongoing caregiving for my dad, lemme tell ya: if y’all really want a portrayal of selflessness in romantic partnerships, I can think of nothing more selfless than caring for one’s terminally ill partner across their gradual death).

Additionally, this scenario could allow the show to maintain the frame narrative, while also packing fresh complexities into it.

Perhaps, in this case, Dani is still alive, but Jamie has come to Flora’s wedding alone, leaving Dani with in-home caregivers or within assisted living or some such. She comes there determined to ensure that Miles and Flora regain at least some awareness of what Dani did for them—that they remember her. The act of telling Dani’s story, then, becomes not only the performance of a mourning ritual, but also a vital way of preserving and perpetuating Dani’s memory where both the children and Dani, herself, can no longer remember. To be sure, such purposes already compel Jamie’s storytelling in the show: Narrator Jamie indicates that the new Lady of the Lake will eventually lose her recollection of the life she had with the gardener, “leaving the only trace of who she once was in the memory of the woman who loved her most.” But in the context of a conclusion so focused on memory loss, this statement would take on new dimensions of import. In this way, the frame narrative might also more forcefully prompt us, the audience, to reflect on the waysthat we can carry on the memories of our loved ones by telling their stories—and also, maybe, the responsibilities that we may have to do so. “Almost no one even remembers how she was when her mind hadn’t gone,” Jamie remarks after returning from Owen’s mother’s funeral, a subtle indictment of just how easily we can lose our own memories of those who suffer from conditions like dementia—how easily we can fail to carry on the stories of the people they were before and to keep their memories alive. (“We are all just stories in the end,” Olivia Crain emphasizes during the eulogy for Shirl’s kitten in The Haunting of Hill House. In fact, there’re some interesting comparative analyses we could do about storytelling and the responsibilities incumbent on storytellers between these two Flanagan shows).

Along those lines, I think that this would’ve been an excellent opportunity for the show to exacerbate and foreground those latent tensions between Jamie and Owen (and maybe also Henry) about whether to share Dani’s story with the now-adult children.

In the show’s explorations of memory loss, there’re already some interesting but largely neglected undercurrents churning around about the idea that maybe losing one’s memory isn’t just a curse or a heartbreaking misfortune (as it is for Viola, the ghosts of Bly Manor, and Owen’s mother), but can, in certain circumstances, be a blessing. Bly implies—via Owen and the frame narrative—that Miles and Flora have been able to flourish in their lives because they have forgotten what happened at Bly and still remain blissfully unaware of it…which, to be clear, is only possible because of the sacrifices that Dani and Jamie have made. But this situation raises, and leaves floating there, a bunch of questions about the responsibilities we have to impart traumatic histories to younger generations—whether interpersonally (e.g. within families) or societally (e.g. in history classrooms). Cycles of trauma don’t end by shielding younger generations from the past; they especially don’t end by forcing impacted, oppressed, traumatized populations (e.g. queer folks) to shoulder the burdens of trauma on their own for the sake of protecting another population’s innocent ignorance. But how do we impart traumatic histories? How do we do so responsibly, compassionately, in ways that respect those harrowing pasts—and those who lived them, those most directly impacted by them—without actively causing harm to receiving audiences? On the other hand, if we over-privilege the innocence of those who have forgotten or those who weren’t directly impacted, what do we lose and what do we risk by not having frank, open conversations about traumatic histories?

As it stands, I think that Bly is remiss in the way it tosses out these issues, but never actually does anything with them. It could have done much, much more. In this alternate ending, then, there could be some productive disagreement among Jamie, Owen, and Henry about whether to tell Flora and Miles, what to tell them, how to tell them. Perhaps, in her seizing of the conversation and her launching of the story in such a public way, Jamie has taken matters into her own hands and has done so in a way that Owen and Henry can’t easily derail. Perhaps Owen sympathizes but does, indeed, abruptly cut her off just before her audience can completely connect the dots. Perhaps Henry is conflicted and doesn’t take a stand—or perhaps he does. Perhaps we find out that Henry had been torn about whether to even invite Jamie because of the possibility of something like this happening. Or, perhaps Henry wants the children to know and believes that they should hear Dani’s story from Jamie. Perhaps we see scenes of past quarrels between Jamie and Owen, Owen and Henry. Perhaps, once the story has ended, we see a brief aftermath conversation between Owen and Jamie about what Jamie has done, their speculations about how it may impact Miles and Flora. Perhaps the show presents these conversations in ways that challenge us to reflect on them, even if it does not provide conclusive answers to the questions it raises, and even if it leaves these conflicts open-ended, largely unresolved.

Alternative Ending 2: Living with the Trauma

If Bly’s creators had wanted Viola’s inhabitation of Dani to represent the ongoing struggles of living—and loving someone—with severe mental illness and trauma, they could have also just…done that? Like, they could have just portrayed Jamie and Dani living their lives together and dealing with Viola along the way. They could have just let that be it. It wouldn’t have been necessary to include Dani’s death within the show’s depicted timeline at all.

The show could’ve more closely aligned its treatment of Dani’s fatalism with James’s Beast in the Jungle—but with, perhaps, a bit more of a hopeful spin. Perhaps, early on, Dani is convinced that her demise is imminent and incontrovertible, much as we already see in the final episode’s diner scene. For a while, this outlook continues to dominate her existence in ways that interfere with her daily functioning and her relationship with Jamie. Perhaps there’s an equivalent of the flooded bathtub scene, but it happens much earlier in the progression of their partnership: Dani despairs, and Jamie is there to reinforce her commitment to staying with Dani through it all, much like her extant “If you can’t feel anything, then I’ll feel everything for the both of us” remarks. But maybe, as a result of this, Dani comes to a realization much like The Beast in the Jungle’s John Marcher—but one that enables her to act on her newfound understanding, an opportunity that Marcher never finds before it’s too late. Maybe she realizes that her fatalism has been causing her to miss out on really, truly embracing the life that she and Jamie have been forging together, thus echoing the show’s earlier points about how unresolved trauma can impede our cultivation of meaningful relationships. Maybe she realizes that her life with Jamie has been passing her by while she’s remained so convinced that Viola will claim that life at any moment. Maybe she comes to understand that her perpetual sense of dread has been hurting Jamie—that Jamie needs her in the same ways that she needs Jamie, but that Dani’s ever-present sense of doom has been preventing her from providing for those needs. And maybe this leads to a re-framing of the “you, me, us,” conceit, with a scene in which Dani acknowledges the extent to which her fatalism has been dictating their lives; in light of this acknowledgement, she and Jamie resolve—together—to continue supporting each other as they navigate Viola’s lasting influences on their lives.

By making this suggestion, I once again do not want to seem like I’m advocating that “Dani should fight back against Viola” (or, in other words, that “Dani should fight harder to win the battle against her mental illness”). But I do want to direct us back to a point that I raised at the very beginning: grieving, traumatized, and mentally ill folks can, indeed, cause harm to our loved ones. Our grief, trauma, and mental illness don’t excuse that fact. But what that means is that we have to take responsibility for our harmful actions. What it absolutely does not mean is that our harms are inevitable or that our loved ones would be better off without us.It means recognizing that we still matter and have value to others, despite the narratives we craft to try to convince ourselves otherwise. It means acknowledging the wounds that fatalistic, “everybody is better without me” assumptions can inflict. It means identifying the ways that we can support and care for our loved ones, even through our own struggles with our mental health.

“Fighting harder to win the battle against mental illness” is a callous and downright incorrect framing of the matter; but there are, nevertheless, intentional steps that we must take to heal from trauma, to receive treatment for our mental illnesses, to care for ourselves, to care for our loved ones. For instance…the very process of writing this essay incited me to do a lot of reflecting on the self-defeating narratives that I have been telling myself about my mental health and my relationships with others. And that, in turn, incited me to do some course-correcting. I thought about how much I want to work towards healing, however convoluted and intricate that process may be. I thought about how I want to support my family. How I want to foster a robust social support network, such that I feel a genuine sense of community. How I want to be an attentive friend. How, someday, if I’m fortunate enough to have a girlfriend, I want to be a caring, present, and equal partner to her; I want to emotionally nourish her through life’s trials and turmoil, not just expect her to provide that emotional nourishment for me. I started writing this essay in August; and since then, because of it, I’ve held myself accountable by reaching out to friends, spending time with them, trying to support them. I’ve also managed to get myself, finally, to start therapy. And my therapist is already helping me address those self-defeating narratives that have led me to believe that I’m just a burden on my friends. So, y’know, I’m workin’ on it.

But it ain’t pretty. And it also ain’t a linear upward trajectory of consistent improvement. It’s messy. Sometimes, frankly, it’s real ugly.

It could be for Dani, too.

Even with her decision to accept the certainties and uncertainties of Viola’s intrusive presence in her life, to live her life as best she can in the face of it all, perhaps Dani still struggles from day to day. Perhaps some days are better than others. Perhaps Viola, as I suggested earlier, begins finding some modicum of peace through her possession of Dani; nonetheless, her rage and disquiet never entirely subside, and they still periodically overtake Dani. Perhaps Dani improves, only to then backslide, only to then find ways to stabilize once again. In this way, the show could’ve more precisely portrayed the muddled, tumultuous lastingness of grief and trauma throughout a lifetime—without concluding that struggle with a valorized suicide.

Such portrayals are not unprecedented in horror. As I contemplated this ending possibility, I couldn’t help but think of The Babadook (2014), another piece of horror media whose monster carries allegorical import as a representation of the endurance and obtrusion of unresolved trauma. The titular monster doesn’t disappear at the film’s end; Sam emphasizes, in fact, that “you can’t get rid of the Babadook.” And so, even after Amelia has confronted the Babadook and locked him in the basement of the family’s home, he continues to lurk there, still aggressive and threatening to overcome her, but able to be pacified with a bowlful of worms. Like loss and trauma, the Babadook can never be totally ignored or dispelled, only assuaged with necessary, recurrent attention and feedings.

Bly could have easily done something similar with Viola. Perhaps, in the same way that Amelia has to regularly provide the Babadook with an offering of worms, Dani must also “feed” Viola to soothe her rage. What might those feedings look like? What might they consist of? Perhaps Viola draws Dani back to Bly Manor, insisting on revisiting those same sites that have held implacable sway over her for centuries. Perhaps these visits are what permit Dani to gradually learn about Viola: who she was, what she has become, why she has tarried between life and death for so long. Perhaps Dani also learns that these “feedings” agitate Viola for a while, stirring her into fresh furor—but that, in their wake, Viola also settles more deeply and for longer periods. Perhaps they necessitate that Dani and Jamie both directly confront their own traumas, bring them to the surface, attend to them. Perhaps, together, they learn how to navigate their traumas in productive, mutually supportive ways. Perhaps this is also what quiets Viola over time, even if Dani is never quite sure whether Viola will return to claim her life.

You may be wondering, then, about what happens with the frame narrative in this scenario. If Dani doesn’t meet some tragic demise, what happens to the role and significance of grieving in the act of Jamie’s storytelling? Would Jamie’s storytelling even occur? Wouldn’t Dani just be at Flora’s wedding, too? Would we miss the emotional gut-punch of the reveal of the narrator’s identity at the end?  

Perhaps, in this case, the ending removes some of the weight off of the grief theme to instead foreground those troubled deliberations about how to impart traumatic histories (as we covered in the previous scenario). As such, the frame could feature those conflicts between Jamie (and Dani here too this time), Owen, and Henry concerning whether or not to tell Dani’s story to Miles and Flora. Perhaps Dani decides not to attend the wedding, wary of contributing to this conflict at the scene of what should be a joyous occasion for Flora; perhaps she feels like she can’t even face the children. And then, without Dani there, perhaps an overwrought Jamie jumps into the story when the opportunity presents itself—whether impulsively or premeditatedly.

Or…Perhaps the show could’ve just scrapped the frame at Flora’s wedding and could’ve done something else instead. What might that be? I have no idea! Sky’s the limit.

At any rate, even with these changes, it would’ve still been possible to have the show conclude in a sentimental, tear-jerking way (which seems to be Flanagan’s preference). Perhaps Jamie’s storytelling does spark the return of the children’s memories. Perhaps, as they begin to remember, they reach out to Dani and Jamie, wanting to connect with them, wanting especially to see Dani again. And then, perhaps, the show could’ve ended with a scene of Miles and Flora finally reuniting with Dani—emotional, sweet, and memorable, no valorized suicide or exploitation of queer tragedy needed.

Conclusion

In my writing of this essay—and over the course of the Bly Manor and Hill House rewatches that it inspired—I’ve been finding myself also doing a great deal of reflection about the possibilities and purposes of horror media. I’ve been thinking, in particular, about the potential for the horror genre to provide contained settings in which we can face and explore our deepest fears and traumas in (relatively) safe, controlled ways. Honestly, I think that this is part of why I enjoy Flanagan’s work so much (even if it also enrages me at the same time). If you’ve read this far, you’ll have seen just how profoundly I relate to so much of the subject matter of The Haunting of Bly Manor. It has been extremely meaningful and valuable for me to encounter the show’s depictions of topics like familial trauma, grief, loss, compulsory heterosexuality, caregiving for aging parents, so on, all of which bear so heavily on my own existence. Bly Manor produced opportunities for me to excavate and dig deeply into the worst experiences of and feelings about my life: to look at them, understand them, and give voice to them, when I’m otherwise inclined to bury them into inconspicuous docility.

Even so, the show does not handle these relatable topics as well as it could have. Flanagan and the many contributors to this horror anthology can’t just preach at us about the responsibilities of storytellers; they, too, have responsibilities as storytellers in the communication of these delicate, sensitive, weighty human experiences. And so, to reinforce a point that I made earlier, this is why I’ve written this extensive critique. It’s not because I revile the show and want to condemn it—it’s because I cherish Bly Manor immensely. It’s because I wanted more out of it. It’s because I want to hold it and its creators accountable. It’s because I want folks to think more critically about it (especially after how close I came to unreflectively accepting its messages in my own initial reception of it).

Television usually doesn’t get me this way. It’s been a long time since I was this emotionally attached to a show. So this essay has been my attempt to honor Bly with a careful, meticulous treatment. I appreciate all of the reflection and self-work that it has inspired me to undertake. I’ve wanted to pay my respects in the best way I know how: with close, thorough analysis.

If you’ve read all this mess, thanks for taking the time to do so. I hope that you’ve been able to get something out of it, too.

Representation matters, y’all.

The end.

#the haunting of bly manor #bly manor #thobm #dani clayton #jamie taylor #dani x jamie #damie #sapphic romance #lesbian romance #mental health #compulsory heterosexuality #queer representation #not a fix-it fic but a fix-it essay

[thefirstknife]

Since a lot of people have been talking about possible antisemitism and racism in Bungie's writing I wanted to add something that always bothered me.

I think that Saint-14 as a character is at least influenced by some pretty anti Slavic stereotypes. He's the only major character of Slavic origin (accent) and he just so happen to embody the stereotype of "Slavic brute". He's strong and kills hordes of enemies not showing almost any remorse. And the Season of the Splicer even managed make it worse! Even when he's portrayed as having some deeper thoughts and agency he's still constructed as being unable to be subtle with his words (despise speaking English)

I really like Saint as a character but it's unpleasant to see that he's clearly created as a stereotype

I respectfully disagree. I've seen this line of thinking around A LOT, especially during Splicer, and I don't understand where it comes from outside of people being unable to treat non-native English speakers right. Source: I am Slavic. Not American with Slavic heritage, I am a Slavic person living in a Slavic country and English is not my native language.

Saint is as far away from a brute as possible. Ever since he's settled down in the City, he is dedicated to protecting, not attacking. He feeds birds and sings songs with the children of the City. He dedicated his time to learn to bake cookies for the Eliksni and was considerate to find a recipe that is specifically for Eliksni. He fights when he has to, but has largely settled down and would rather plough fields and plug holes in the wall than fight. He is incredibly emotional and emotionally intelligent and understanding. He is aware of his own and other people's emotions and he's open about it unapologetically.

He is so non-aggressive to the point of many in the community, including big lore youtubers, wishing for Osiris to DIE, just so they can see Saint being angry and aggressive enough to go on another bloody rampage. Because Saint is too tame for them. Too passive, too peaceful. Where is he a brute right now?

Saint has been "brutish" before Season of Dawn, because we never saw him anywhere outside of a couple of lines. He essentially didn't exist as a character until Season of Dawn and the only thing we knew about him was that he was a legendary Titan who went on a crusade against the Eliksni and killed many of them. That's definitely brutish!

When we met him in Dawn, we met him in the middle of his crusade, at the time where he lost countless innocent people to Eliksni in the middle of the horrible conditions of the Dark Age. He is... rough, and angry. Reasonably. He just got to Mercury to save civilians and he lost them and he almost died. He thinks in black and white terms; Eliksni bad, humans good. He is harsh and lost.

But, that's when we find him in a bad position and when he's yelling on comms because he's under fire. He also speaks in broken English and with an accent. People are prejudiced when they hear it and immediately assume less subtlety and less eloquence. That's not on Bungie. That's on the prejudiced audience.

In written text, he speaks perfectly fine. Observe this and this. The issue arises when he speaks out loud (with an accent) or when he's talking to friends casually or when he's making jokes. I don't know why people expect him to speak like he's giving a speech at all times. He can speak perfectly fine, but for non-native speakers, that can be exhausting. He is allowed to drop the eloquence in a more relaxed situation.

Pointing out Splicer is incredibly strange to me because in Splicer he made the biggest possible turning point when he was confronted with how other people see him as a brute. The cutscene where Mithrax tells a story about how the Eliksni view him as a monster shook him to his core. He has been on a path of redemption ever since and dedicated his time to gently protecting Eliksni. He even started learning their language and culture.

I would understand saying that Saint started off as a brute, because he did. But Bungie pulled the biggest flip of a switch on us when they showed us that Saint is actually a huge softie, a gentle man who was pushed to war only to protect, someone who lives for peace and quiet. He is good-natured, trusting, perceptive, kind and empathic.

How is this man a brute (this is just a small selection of his idle lines):

Food reserves are dwindling. New land must be ploughed. I can do this! / Everyone is so accommodating, I- I will think of ways to give back to them. / Shaxx, ugh. Glory is for the selfish. We fight to end the fighting. / To hear the children laughing. This is the peace we fight for. / The city breathes, ships flow through its veins. There is life here, and it is thriving. / I walked the City walls, plugged holes. Every small act brings us closer to peace. / The Traveller teaches us in these quiet moments. We are not defined by our scars. / The Light does not make us heroes, friend. Power is only good when it is used for good. / I am glad to see birds still nest in these old walls. / This life can take its toll. Come to me if you need to talk. / Yesterday, a child came to me. He carried a painted shield of paper. I turned to him and he threw the shield at my head! A young Titan, I love it! [laughing]

Saint-14 is the gentlest man in the whole damn setting. Bungie said "fuck toxic masculinity in particular" when they decided to treat us to a Saint so kind that people in-universe are surprised to learn that's THE Saint-14, the one who fought at Six Fronts and led a crusade against Eliksni. Eva's assessment of this:

"That's right," he said, spreading a little more birdseed. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Eva."

We sat a little longer together, watching the pigeons and the clouds, before I finally had to excuse myself to go back to my work.

As I said, I'd heard the legend of Saint-14 before. Many legends of remarkable Guardians make them seem like mythical figures, so far removed from anything the civilians of the City will ever see or experience. The legendary Saint-14 does not seem that way to me at all.

In fact, I think he is a very nice young man.

Saint is deeply ashamed and regretful of his violent past. Because he DID have a violent past, much like pretty much every Lightbearer. Saint and Shaxx discuss this, as well as Shaxx and Mithrax. But as much as he fought and as powerful he is, Saint does NOT enjoy war or fighting. He endures it because he knows that sometimes you must take up arms to protect those who can't protect themselves, but if he had the option to be sure that the City will stay safe without his aid, he would hang up his armour forever.

I've talked a lot about how much I appreciate that Bungie took a big powerful manly man who went on rampaging crusade before and presented him to us as a gentle and kind person who loves children and birds, who prefers domestic tasks over war and who is deeply emotional and thrives on kindness. It's quite strange to see people saying that he's a "Slavic brute stereotype." He is literally the opposite of it.

If there are specific instances in lore that someone thinks are stereotypical and brutish, I would love to see them so I can address them in context. I'm also not sure what "subtle with his words" means exactly, but if there are examples of this that you'd like addressed, I'm happy to investigate. Bungie is obviously not perfect so there could be instances where they messed up, though I can't currently recall any in regards to Saint and the fact that he's Slavic.

#destiny 2 #saint-14 #long post #ask #bungie is in general really good with their portrayal of men. saint zavala and shaxx are all very good depictions of men who are gentle #even shaxx who can be highly aggressive is overall incredibly good to people and emotional #in which other game would a pvp vendor yell how he's going to marry every guardian unapologetically #or reminisce about his fallen friend and contemplate about his past mistakes #pretty much all characters like this are multifaceted and well-developed

[1000sunnygo]

(1.6.2024) Mugiwara space vol. 17 feat. Kazuya Nakai and Kamiya Hiroshi highlights! I don't promise accuracy

Source (give it a listen if you have time! it has teasers to the new opening and ending)

-

Kazuya Nakai - Zoro || Kamiya Hiroshi - Law

-It's Kamiya's second time in Twitter Space, previously he was with Mayumi Tanaka (Luffy). He says that last time he babbled a lot thanks to Mayumi san's presence, even though he forgot most of it by now (hmm how convenient that you forgot this, kamiya san 🤨)

-Anytime One Piece (the 24/7 YouTube broadcast of the episodes) has 150M views and already in its 4th lap having completed broadcasting all episodes 3 times.

-The entire Space focused on the two voice actors reading out a heap of letters from the animation staffs about the Zoro vs King and Kid-Law vs Big Mom episodes.

-Kamiya jokes about being slightly younger than Nakai and calling him "Nakai-kun" instead of "Nakai san". Funny that Kamiya's career as a voice actor is actually longer than Nakai's.

-The Zoro vs King finale had 20000 frames in the episode which set a record. The movements were a lot more fluid and film-level. After all, often it's considered overwork if it crosses 5000 frames in a TV episode.

- The animators themselves tried out new things. It seems in one of the shots, Wado ichimonji's direction was reversed from the manga's direction as a realistic correction. Cue jokes about Zoro (and King's) long (long) attack names. Also, anticipation for legendary Mihawk vs Zoro to match the quality.

- Cutting to Kid-Law vs BM, Kamiya commented that it was scary that the fluidity of movements was so good that it made him wonder if that level of effort was necessary at all (he said it's like a Disney movie).

(in case you didn't know, this scene was indeed animated by an animator who worked in Disney.)

- Kamiya says it was both fortunate and unfortunate that Mami Koyama (Big Mom) wasn't there with them in the booth (she recorded her part separately). Both Kamiya and Nakai agreed that they'd give up immediately if they were to confront against Mami Koyama somehow.

- Kamiya also noted that Big Mom used "ore" to call herself in the final scene ("I am Big Mom") - exerting dominance 💪 her falling scene was intentionally animated beautifully.

- 1066 was animated by people all over the world, so the time adjustments and language barrier was a challenge. Episode director Henry thurlow balanced it well. In his letter, Henry credited the animation director for adjusting a variety of art styles from all participating animators. It was his first time directing a One piece episode, in fact it's the first time a foreigner has directed an anime episode. He thinks the episode was successful.

- Kamiya was calling Kidd "the extra budget man" for having his complicated-to-animate attacks costing extra budget 💸

-In the final scene vs Misery, Kamiya was asked to ad-lib breathing sound for Law. Kamiya immediately said "sure, got it". Regarding this, Kamiya said he loves doing ad-libs, it adds a little more life to the characters.

- Finally, announcement for the upcoming Egghead arc debut in anime (Nakai was exhausted of reading letters so Kamiya took over to read director Nagamine's final letter lol)

- The Egghead arc would appear in a new artstyle. Unlike the serious WCI and Wano, there's a more relaxed, "fun adventure" vibe for the future adventure island. And the animators are finally free from the torture of drawing Kaido's scales (and the kimono design patterns) so they're in a relaxed mood having escaped wano 🌞 and entering "the cool future where zoro has long legs and wears dove shoes" 👢✨

-(letter cont.) "..Also, about a certain change in Law! What will happen to his voice? It's an interesting future!"

Kamiya: Well, I just finished recording that. My voice is still cracking 😎 *nonchalantly continues reading*

Nakai: is it okay to spoil like that??

(fr Kamiya would not share Law's role with ANYONE even if he turns into a woman huh)

And that's it for the highlight!

#what i got is that kamiya san came to the studio to voice Law's upcoming episode and that's why mugiwara space was decided to air today 🤔 #my translations #trafalgar law #one piece #trafalgar d. water law #roronoa zoro #monkey d. luffy #charlotte linlin #big mom #eustass captain kidd #eustass kid #egghead arc #one piece episode 1089 #one piece anime #one piece manga #one piece 1066 #one piece 1062 #one piece king #kazuya nakai #hiroshi kamiya #female law #female trafalgar law #one piece translations #mine #my translation

[justwearthegoddamncardigan]

Hi Rinn:))

I hope Ur having a good day:). But I literally am obsessed with Ur maze runner fics atm. Ur my fav author on here rn<3

But I was wondering if you would write a Newt x fem!reader, where she's Ben's sister and him comforting reader after he is banished or maybye just stung?

Thank u<3

AAHHhhhh thank you so much for your kind words it really means a lot <333333333

Sorry it's been so long (literal months) hope you're out there and able to read this anon ❤❤

Soul sister

Newt x fem!reader (ben's sister)

Set during tmr (movieverse)

Notes: not enough youtube clips of this part of the movie so I'm writing based on memory alone, may not be accurate, also reader's race not specified - the sibling thing is written as more of a sense than being blood related so anyone can read

Warnings: canon-typical stuff (i.e. Grievers, being Stung, Ben's banishing etc)

As a Runner you spend a lot of time away from the Glade, so when you return from a run to hear Ben, your brother, has been Stung and attacked someone, it shocks you to your core.

"Tell me it isn't true."

Newt is the first person you look for after hearing what's happened, and he blinks in surprise as you grab his arm.

"Ben," you say, your fingers unintentionally tightening around Newt's arm.

His sorrowful expression is all you need to see.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n."

"No," you back up slowly, shaking your head in disbelief. You've seen Stung victims before, and if your brother...

"When are they doing it?" you ask shakily, knowing the protocol is to Banish him.

"Sundown, today." Newt's voice is gentle, apologetic.

Your face blanches. "Right... right now?"

At that moment, you hear yelling, all the way down at the Maze doors.

"No, not yet. Not yet, please." Your heartrate picks up as you start down the hill.

"Don't do this, Y/n," Newt grabs your arm, pulling you back.

"Let me talk to him," you beg.

"Don't."

You stop at Newt's pleading tone. "Y/n, there's nothing you can do. I- I'm so sorry."

"I have to-"

"You'll only hurt yourself by going down there. Just wait in the hut for me, okay?"

For a second you don't move... but you know he's right, it's better not to see Ben stung. You tear yourself away, swerving in the direction of Newt's hut as tears blur your vision.

You sit alone in the hut on Newt's bed, everything jittering inside you and telling you to go out and save your brother.

After a while, the door swings open and you jump up.

"Is it done?" You ask shakily.

Newt's eyes are slightly shimmery, and you remember that Ben was his friend too. "He's with the Maze now."

You shut your eyes, backing up to the wall.

"Y/n, are you-"

"Of course I'm not okay!" you lash out. "He was my brother, and you sent him out to die."

"He wasn't himself," says Newt, grabbing your hands as they fly in the air. "He was already gone before we did it. Y/n, please."

"My brother," you whisper.

"I know. I'm so sorry, love," Newt's voice softens, his fingers still loosely holding your wrists.

Your head tilts down as tears start streaming from your eyes, and Newt immediately pulls you in.

You press your face into his shirt, drawing warmth from him as he rubs comforting circles on your back.

"It's okay, I'm here. I've got you." You feel kisses pressed to the top of your head, and you just let yourself cry, mourning the brother you lost.

⭒----⭒

"I remember when I first saw him." You're lying on Newt's chest, telling him everything about Ben. They're things he probably already knows, but he listens anyway.

"Yeah?"

"I recognised him, and- and he recognised me too. I saw it, in his eyes."

Newt's runs his fingers through your hair as you speak, repeating the motions over and over.

"And we just knew. I can't explain, but there was a feeling. I knew he was my brother. I guess whoever put us in here didn't erase our memories well enough." You huff a sad laugh.

"I don't think anyone could have erased the bond between you guys," says Newt. "Siblings are different... it's in your soul."

You hum quietly. "Think you had a sibling?"

"I don't know, sometimes I think I did." Newt absentmindedly curls a strand of your hair around his finger. "I think... maybe a sister. I can never picture her, or remember her name. I just..."

"It's in your soul," you say.

"Yeah," he smiles.

"We'll get out of here," you tell him. "And we'll find her."

Newt's quiet for a moment. Then he drops a kiss between your eyebrows. "Thank you, Y/n."

"He had lapses," says Newt suddenly. "Ben. I forgot to tell you. While you were out running, and he got Stung, I think he had moments where he came back to himself, just for a second."

"How do you know?" you ask.

"Because he grabbed me. Couldn't form an actual sentence, but he kept saying your name. Over and over.

"He thought of you," says Newt, looking down and meeting your eyes. "He wanted to keep you safe, and get you out of here."

You let out a disbelieving breath, and a single tear slides down your face. "I will. I'll get out." You voice is shaky, but determined.

"Good that," says Newt with a smile. "Take the rest of us with you, will ya?"

"Of course," you squeeze his hand. "I'd never leave you."

Comforting Newt >>>>>>

Anyways short fic today, trying to get through these months-old requests (sorry!). Hope you enjoyed reading :)

#the maze runner #tmr newt #newt x you #newt x reader #tmr newt x reader #my writing

[add1ctedt0you]

I really love the little moments you choose to gif. What inspires you to pick the ones you do?

Hiii! Thank you! It makes my heart warm! It makes me happy! <3

The question is quite interesting, because I hadn't never thought in detail about my reasons for choosing specific moments, it's the moment that draws my eyes.

Overlooking how this blog supports women's rights to do wrongs, I like to compare the source material with the web adaptation: like with jiang cheng' dream. Or the gifset I am most emotionally attacked to: this. I still remember that the first time I read jiang cheng smiling looking at his mother (he's the only one who seems truly happy to see her) and it caught my attention: he loves her so much! And she loves him too! I have a soft spot for mother & kid relationship, and I enjoy how their relationship is played in the drama, so, that's how the gifset is born. (the quality is so bad though. At the time I still was using YouTube videos :-/)

Other times, cql and the cast acting choices/interpretations have caught my attention. Like here: the camera shows us, even if briefly, jiang yanli's expression while lan xichen is congratulating jiang cheng: she opens in a little smile only to immediately drop it... What is she thinking? I had in mind another moment to add to the gifset, a parallel, but I felt it was unbiased/leaning toward an exact interpretation, and decided to focus on her expression during jiang cheng's speech to his disciples. Another gifset born due cql choices, is jiang yanli mourning jin zixuan: jin zixuan saying 'I'll take care of you' is a great foreshadowing! I like to think about jiang yanli, looking at jin zixuan's coffin, and remembering that specific moment (or, I've written scenes like this in my jiang yanli survives au lol). the jiang siblings inability to deal with rejection is still so funny.

Other times, mostly born from spite, my gifsets are about themes: love and hurt, jiang cheng protecting his family and being protected, deaths - 1, 2 (initially, I wanted to gif all mdzs's characters' deaths including novel quotes to enlighten the differences between the canon source and the web divergence. I still want to do it! I just need time).

Or I'll do a whole gifset because I want to gif one moment lmao. As in this ao3 tags gifset, I just wanted to include granny wen and wen yuan under the 'rated t for trauma' tag, because I think their past is quite overlooked! (if not to underline who is good and who's bad...) (like, seriously, the wen clan is *great* and I'll obsess over them all more if lotus pier and its dysfunction wasn't there too). Even retelling of jiang cheng and wei wuxian relationship is born due a gif... That I didn’t include because I felt it wasn't fitting the tone of the gifset :-/ ( the gif was lotus pier burning + tag: Lotus pier is a metaphor for chengxian)

Then, to motivate myself to keep reading svsss (I have almost finished the first book), I decided to make this gifset: honestly, parallels/references to mdzs stand out lol. Mxtx, the writer you are.

Uh, I think that's all! Like, I'll honestly make fun of cql too ( sorry, I am mean :-/). Hoping the answer is coherent enough. Still, thank you for the ask!

#about mar #ask answered #Anyway. I am evolving. I have like 4 gifset of mdzs's characters plus novel quotes/ atla quote #I just... need to understand how everyone makes their gifset so artistically pleasing #In the end I think it boils down to me loving details and obsessing over them lol

[gynandromorph]

Hey there, recently god rain world and I am struggling though it lol.. wondering if you'd have any tips other than just "get used to dying a bunch" haha. I'm literally playing as the survivor (default slugcat, sorry if I'm remembering the names wrong). Anyway, thank you for the help if you have it, and if not, I'll just power through lol

look up the advanced movement video on youtube. most important takeaways: -how to slide -throwing an object while jumping makes you jump farther, with spears boosting the jump distance most -how to backflip and throw a spear straight down (i've never been able to pin an enemy this way outside of the arena, but there are some places only accessible if you can throw a spear into the ground and use it as leverage by climbing it like a pole) -how to fast swim without boosting by pressing A

any object you come across, it's good to look at its wiki, there's a ton of stuff that's never stated in the game.

always give scavengers pearls and always save pearls or take them with you when you can. if you end up on their bad side, it's also easy to avoid their attacks by moving vertically, as they can only throw horizontally. but scavengers will generally let even low reputation slugcats through tolls for a pearl (excluding artificer). also, crouch when near scavengers if you aren't high reputation with them yet and drop all weapons or they may attack you anyway.

start to memorize "easy" shelters such as shelters with food nearby and the rooms surrounding those shelters.

play with remix options on to make the game as easy as you need it to be.

do not play aggressively and try to fight creatures you can run from. pressing A to jump constantly when fleeing makes it more difficult for an enemy to grab you. if you learn to slide and spear boost the slide spears may have more worth in fleeing than fighting (i never learned to slide well). especially true for survivor, who can't even eat the meat from predator creatures.

that said, most enemies are incapacitated with a spear throw or two, even though it won't kill them. vultures may start to flee and have a difficult time getting back into the air, lizards fall off the background and poles they're trying to climb repeatedly and may also flee depending on their health, and so on. being able to get one good spear shot in pretty much guarantees safety from a predator who isn't already right in your face, but it often incapacitates and stuns predators who have even grabbed you in their mouth already enough to get away from them. the worst creature to do this with is the green lizard, who is heavier and takes significantly more hits. it really pisses them off if you spear them. they can't climb, though, so they are easily fled from.

learn to juke enemies by going through connections or doorways repeatedly while they try to chase you. they can't attack you while you're going through, although they can attack you in the doorway or connection opening (the little arrows). this is possibly the most vital skill i can think of in rain world. usually when i'm juking i will bait lizards if they don't chase me depending on which way i want to go. i'll either run in the opposite direction on the other side of the door once they go through or go back through the door again to spear them in the back because they are slow to turn around. do not try to juke king vultures (vultures who can shoot lampoons from their face). just run for cover. i learned this the hard way, multiple times--

if you're getting slaughtered by a specific enemy over and over again, give up on getting past them and practice killing them. it makes them less scary overall and gives you a lot experience getting away from them. assuming your karma is at the bottom of the ladder anyway, it's really no loss besides affecting your score.

have a map open to consult which way you should go.

a lot of enemies don't spawn immediately and they don't stay in their spawn rooms forever. you can get through some areas by leaving immediately and trying to get through before an enemy spawns, or by waiting a bit and seeing if they aren't even there.

i elect to always have something in my paws when i can, even if it's just two pieces of rubbish. a piece of rubbish works just as well to force a lizard to let go of me if it's latched its tongue on or cause it to fall into a pit while it's climbing the background.

that's all i can think of off the top of my head. i'm not even a great rain world player, most advanced movement i can't do because of how precise it is (fast pole climbing for example is a frame-perfect trick over and over again), but these things got me through all of the scug campaigns except for enot and monk (presumably i can do monk, i just never bothered to)

[renyen808]

A Week Later, I Cannot Stop Thinking About…

Hey everyone! Let’s talk about the newest movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU): Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, directed by James Gunn. I’ll let you know when I get to the spoiler section of my post. 

(Credit: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 Wikipedia Page)

Ever since Avengers Endgame, I don’t think I cried as much in another movie besides this one. Maybe Black Panther last November, but there were only certain places that brought me to tears. From beginning to end, this movie sent me on a roller coaster of laughter and (or with) tears. 

I do agree that this film is more on the emotionally intense side, with the animal abuse situations and the dark themes shown throughout the movie, but I enjoyed the film nonetheless. Just note, if you have not watched the film yet, be prepared for scenes of animal abuse and very minor gore (Some may disagree with the gore, but it caught me off guard). 

(Credit: Duniaku Article)

I loved every scene, and although I had issues with the pacing at first, I enjoyed this movie from beginning to end. From the get go, this movie draws the viewers in and doesn’t let go until the very end, showing that this is indeed the last ride. Guardians Vol. 1 stole the hearts of audiences with its infectious chemistry, engaging story, and loveable characters, but fell short when it came to the villain (love Lee Pace though). Guardians Vol. 2 upped the ante and gave us a fantastic villain, built off the already amazing chemistry, gave us many laughs, and showed to not only meet, but surpassed its predecessor in terms of likeability and quality. Vol. 3 builds off of what 2 established and gave us the ending that not only the Guardians, but that we deserve.

When it comes to movie reviews, I rate things on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the absolute best, and 1 being the absolute worst. I don’t do 1 to 5 because I am afraid I will do some dumb rating like 3.3 out of 5. So, for consistency, I will only use whole numbers to rate things. 

(Credit: Deadline Article)

For me, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 gets a 9 out of 10. Although there were some criticisms and pacing issues, this film showcases why we all love the MCU to begin with. I cannot gush enough about this movie. Gunn’s direction and writing is perfect for this final ride, choosing to subvert expectations and take viewers on what looked to be a predictable journey, but instead gave us a story we didn’t think we needed. The seasoned actors performed at the top of their game, and invited new characters with open arms. So, now I am going to go in depth with the movie, basically a summary of what happened, which means the SPOILER WARNING is now in effect! I will have a border for the next section, and will have spacing so that people who don’t want to see it have the choice to not. With that, it is the end of my review! If this is where you are leaving us, thank you for taking the time to read my post! If you enjoyed reading it, share it with a friend who may also like it as well. Comments are always welcome, but keep it nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and shouldn’t be attacked because of them. If you want to hear audio versions of these articles, you can find them on my YouTube channel ‘Screen and Joystick’. Thank you for reading! See you in the next post!

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! 

Hello to everyone who has read this far! So here is a quick rundown on how the spoiler section will go. If you’re familiar with the Dead Meat Channel, for movie review podcast episodes, they go over a quick summary of the movie and share their thoughts along the way. This will be similar to that, where I will go through each section of the movie and share my thoughts and insights. 

So, the movie starts with baby raccoons (trash pandas) all in a cage, and immediately I’m in the feels. I mean, it’s a bunch of baby animals in a cage. Innocent animals. When the cage is opened, the babies scatter, but one looks on to the being with curiosity. This curious one is our beloved Rocket. 

(Credit: Brick Fanatics)

Before we move on, I need to commend Bradley Cooper for the amazing voice acting and Sean Gunn for the amazing motion capture for Rocket. He CARRIES this movie, and although people may think that StarLord or Gamora are the main protagonists, Rocket is the main protagonist and this is proven in this movie. It’s Rocket’s world and we’re just living in it. 

We cut to the present day, where Rocket is sitting on Knowhere, minding his own business. Then, the opening credits play with Radiohead’s Creep as he walks throughout Knowehere. Although at first, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of action during this part, I have grown quite fond of why Gunn chose to do it this way. In Vol 1, we see Quill dancing to Redbone’s Come and Get Your Love, an iconic scene where he is dancing on Morag trying to get the Orb, and also where a 2023 Rhodey proceeds to call him an idiot for dancing and singing. In Vol 2, we follow Baby Groot as he dances to Electric Night Orchestra’s Mr. Blue Sky as the other Guardians fight off an Abilisk, which is the weird tentacle monster thing. Each Guardian interacts or ends up in frame with Groot as he dances, but it is cut short when Drac is thrown into the speaker, ending the song and dance abruptly. In the Holiday Special, a band, played by the Old 97’s, in Knowhere sings an original song titled I Don’t Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime is Here). Although the people of Knowhere don’t dance, Groot excitedly dances in the background. Here, no one is dancing. We follow Rocket as he is walking around Knowhere, where he passes by all the Guardians at one point or another. It ends with Nebula carrying a passed out Quill walking with the other Guardians in slow motion and the title card appears. With this, it establishes the solemn tone that is prominent throughout the whole movie, and it also establishes the fact that this is Rocket’s story. Rocket then retires to his room as Nebula puts a drunk Quill to bed. Kraglin is trying to use the arrow and Cosmo shows him up with her telekinesis, which ends with Kraglin calling her a ‘bad dog’. Everything seems calm at first, but then, shit hits the fan when Adam shows up. 

(Credit: Quora)

We were teased about Adam Warlock in the post credit scene to Vol 2. He was currently being created in his cocoon. We were just given his first name, so we all knew who it was: Adam Warlock. It was rumored that he was going to play a big role in Infinity War and Endgame, but, as we all know, that didn’t happen. So, Gunn had Adam all set up, and he wasn’t used for the one thing Kevin Fiege asked him for. So, here we are now, where we meet Adam Warlock in the MCU for the first time and I really enjoyed what Gunn and Will Poulter did with him. Although people just saw him as a man child, that’s exactly the point.  I get that Adam is supposed to be this strong, all powerful character, but he is just a baby here, a child even, so I forgive him for being the way that he is.

So, Adam Warlock breaks through the wall of Rocket’s room and attacks him. Rocket initially gets away and Nebula begins attacking Adam with her new arm and Groot tries to fight him as well, but in the scuffle, Rocket is fatally wounded, and they cannot revive him due to an internal kill switch placed in Rocket by his creator, the High Evolutionary. They find out that the company that sponsors him, Orgocorp, made the code for the kill switch, so they leave Knowhere, leaving Cosmo and Kraglin in charge, and travel to Orgocorp on the Bowie. 

Now, this is the start when I thought the pacing was a bit slow for me. During this part, we have a funny scene involving Quill, Mantis, and Drax talking about humans and life on Earth as they infiltrate the shields of Orgocorp. They are then boarded by the Ravagers, led by Gamora, who was Nebula’s contact. Quill is initially upset about Nebula hiding the fact that she kept in contact with her sister and chose to not tell him. They figure out that they need to get into the planet and retrieve Rocket’s old file, since it must have a reverse to the kill switch. Quill, Mantis, Drax, Nebula, and Gamora leave  the Bowie in these suits that reminded me more of Among Us than 2001: A Space Odyssey. Once they made it to the planet, there is this tiny spot where Quill and Gamora talk, and she calls him Quinn. There is another joke where Mantis and Drax discuss the private channels as Nebula creates an opening. 

(Credit: TL;DR Movie Reviews and Analysis)

They make it inside and this is just James Gunn cameo central. First, the main woman controlling the security is Jennifer Holland, an actress that Gunn worked with on Peacemaker and his wife, whom he married in 2022. Secondly, the main security guard wearing the ridiculously large orange suit is Nathan Fillion, a long time friend of Gunn’s who has been in many of his projects, which includes the first two Guardians and Gunn’s directorial debut Slither. The woman that Gamora takes hostage inside is played by Daniela Melchior, who plays Ratcatcher 2 in Gunn’s Suicide Squad. 

So, they are inside and get their disguises on, but in a panic, accidentally send their Among Us space suits into…space. They split up inside with Mantis and Drax trying to find a way to get Groot to come in or a ship for them to take, while Quill, Nebula, and Gamora go and get Rocket’s file. Drax and Mantis make it inside, thanks to Mantis’ little joke that makes the gatekeeper fall in love with Drax. The other three were able to retrieve the file, but got themselves caught and this is the first of many instances where we were tricked into thinking a Guardian was going to die. Drax is shot multiple times in the chest, and it does not let up until Quill uses a trick he learned from Rocket during their prison escape in Vol 1: turning off the artificial gravity used in their enemies suits. Drax is revealed to be okay and Groot comes in with the Bowie to save them. They watch Rocket’s torture on the file, which makes all of the Guardians angry and discover that the kill switch reversal had been removed, which leads Quill to believe it was a guy he passed in Orgocorp.

Now, I just brushed through this part because this is the part that felt extremely slow to me. I mean, I was happy that everyone got a chance to see what the High Evolutionary did to Rocket (more on that in a bit), but all this stuff felt a bit slow to me, like the bland soup before the beef wellington prepared by Gordon Ramsay himself. The only things that it achieved to do was 1. Give them a chance to see what happened to Rocket, and 2. Gives Quill an idea of who wiped the code from his file. I really enjoyed seeing people I recognized and will never pass up on humor, but it kind of pulled me out a bit with how slow and how recognizable some of the cast were, not that using your friends and family in movies is a bad thing. I believe that you are able to choose whoever the hell you want for your movies, doesn’t mean I won’t complain about it when I have an opinion on it. 

So, after deciding to chase that guy, Gamora and Quill have a spat, which ends in her throwing him into a panel and rushing to call who she believes is a Ravager awaiting her signal to be picked up. What she doesn’t know is the one that was supposed to pick her up was accidentally killed thanks to a misunderstanding from Adam. The ravager was kidnapped and about to be interrogated, but Adam wasn’t sure what to do to intimidate him, so he killed him. So, Ayesha and Adam follow the Bowie as the others suit up to go to Counter Earth, a planet created by the High Evolutionary.

(Credit: Inverse)

Now, I haven’t really talked that much about Rocket and the High Evolutionary’s scenes, so I am going to take the time now to discuss it. Rocket’s name when he was in captivity was ‘89P13’. He was part of batch 89, which includes his friends. Lylla, an otter with mechanical arms. Floor, a rabbit with robotic legs and voice, and Teefs, a walrus in a wheelchair. When Rocket first meets them, he is unable to stand or speak at first, before just muttering “Hurts”, and this broke my heart. This poor thing’s first word was about the pain he was experiencing. Throughout Rocket’s torture there, his intelligence actually surpassed the High Evolutionary’s own, with Rocket discovering an error the High Evolutionary overlooked in his experiment for ‘a perfect society’. Rocket and his friends were all under the impression that they will soon join this perfect world, but the High Evolutionary, with no remorse, states that he and his imperfect friends weren’t invited to the new world, but rather they will be killed. In a state of desperation, Rocket creates a key that opens the doors to their cages, freeing them all. He and Lylla embrace for the first time, having been separated in two different cages, and this is the most unexpected death. I thought that Lylla would at least survive, but she dies right as she is freed by the High Evolutionary by a gunshot. Rocket cries in agony as Teefs stays quiet and Floor cries out “Rocket, Floor, Teefs go now!” She is screaming this in fear because her best friend was just killed. Rage soon overtakes Rocket as he brutally attacks his creator. In the ensuing chaos, shots were fired towards Rocket and his friends, so Rocket returned fire. When the attackers are reprimanded, he turns and sees that Floor and Teefs were shot and killed as well. Heartbroken, Rocket flees and escapes on a ship, flying away into the forever and beautiful sky. 

These scenes were sprinkled through the previous section with the Orgocorp stuff and it made me so upset to see Rocket and what happened to him, which is why I believe that the High Evolutionary is the MCU’s best villain in this new era. I loved some previous ones after Endgame, like Shang Chi’s Wenwu and Black Panther’s Namor, but something about the High Evolutionary being pure evil with no redeeming qualities is something fresh, after having so many sympathetic villains. Now, there is nothing wrong with a sympathetic villain, majority of my favorite MCU characters were sympathetic villains before (Loki, Wenwu, Killmonger among a few), but ever since Endgame, everyone is trying to recreate that same magic that Josh Brolin did with Thanos. Ever since Endgame, we have had sympathetic villains from Shang Chi (Wenwu), No Way Home (Norman, Otto), Multiverse of Madness (Wanda), Love and Thunder (Gorr), Wakanda Forever (Namor), and just recently, Quantumania (Kang). This is way more than Pre-Endgame MCU, where the only sympathetic ones were one every phase. Here, the High Evolutionary, played perfectly and brilliantly by Chukwudi Iwuji, is an evil mastermind who is trying to create what he believes is the perfect society, using Rocket and his other experiments as mere stepping stones in his path to greatness. One line that he said that I will mention later is not only one of the best lines Gunn ever wrote, it is probably the best thing a villain has ever said since Thanos. Iwuiji did a perfect job playing a villain that I not only hated, I despised. 

(Credit: Digital Spy)

Now, the Guardians are making their way to Counter Earth, where they are surrounded by human animal hybrids. They are able to befriend a bat woman (side note: did not know she was a bat in the movie, had no idea what it was), who helps point them in the right direction on where to find the High Evolutionary and the guy they are looking for. So, Drax and Mantis were told to stay with Rocket as Quill, Groot, and Nebula went to confront the High Evolutionary. This is when the first ‘F***’ in the MCU is placed. Now, they make their way through different neighborhoods and see how they live here on Counter Earth. They make it to the High Evolutionary’s base, built in a pyramid like shape. Nebula is not allowed inside thanks to her arm, so Quill and Groot enter while Nebula waits outside. Quill sees the High Evolutionary with his own eyes and the rage and fury behind them is unmistakable. He sees the other Guardians as his family, and the fact that this guy tortured someone in his family, it made him so upset.

Before continuing, I just wanted to say that I do not blame Quill for everything he has done. We have seen throughout his time in the MCU that he is an emotional individual, I mean, hell, he hasn’t found a healthy way to cope with the loss of his mother, because the mere mention of her death, he is sent into a fury filled fit. Quill has been running his entire life, running from these feelings and as a way to continue running, you retaliate. In this case, he retaliates with anger. Since a lot of people blame him for hitting Thanos since he killed Gamora, I just think that this is exactly how he would react, since everyone near and dear to him has been killed (his mom, his girlfriend, his father figure). I mean, if someone killed any one that I loved, I would not even begin to explain the emotions I would feel and what would happen to the person that did me wrong. Although it is wrong that he did punch him, I feel it reflects him as a character, and sure you can hate and blame him, but it had to happen, according to Strange.

So, Quill confronts the guy he saw, which catches the attention of the High Evolutionary, who at this point told him to wait. They talk for a bit before Groot reveals that inside his torso was a bunch of guns, including Quill’s guns. They attempt to kill everyone inside and Quill tackles the guy out of the building, mind you, where they were, it was around 1,000 feet in the air. He is airlifted by Groot to safety and they successfully retrieve the device. 

Now, while this is happening, Drax steals a motorcycle and he and Mantis go towards the pyramid, which is starting to rise into the air. Them, along with Nebula, board the ship and are nearly killed thanks to the ship going into space before Drax opens the door to get inside. Meanwhile, Gamora is back at the Bowie, and finds herself trying to protect Rocket from Adam, who is seeking to kidnap him for the High Evolutionary. Just as all of this is happening, the HIgh Evolutionary is blowing Counter Earth up, starting over again. This is interesting, because in that moment in the theater, I had turned to the people I was with and said, “He is playing God,” much like how many believe He threw the asteroid that killed the Dinosaurs (I am not saying I believe in this, I do not, but I find the similarities between the two). As the planet is blowing up, that is when Drax, Mantis, and Nebula board the ship. Gamora is trying to drive the Bowie (although very poorly) and saves Quill and Groot. Meanwhile, Ayesha is killed in the explosions as Adam tries to save her. He ends up on the Bowie and they all fly off the planet. 

(Credit: Quora)

Quill begins trying to save Rocket, but Rocket begins to hallucinate his friends in the afterlife, Lylla being the first to see him. He laments how apologetic he was for letting them down, and Lylla explains that he did not. He asks to join them and she agrees, which is when he begins to flatline and Quill and Groot begin to panic. Quill is yelling in anger as he frantically tries to resuscitate him. Meanwhile, Rocket begins walking to his friends, but Lylla stops him. She explains that it is not his time yet. They ‘kiss’ and she calls him her raccoon before sending him back, with him saying “I’m not a raccoon.” He is sent back to his physical body, where he desperately gasps for air. Quill and Gamora are able to heal him and the three guys embrace, Gamora happy that he is okay. 

Nebula, Drax, and Mantis are able to communicate with the others on the Bowie, and they are all relieved to hear Rocket (especially Nebula). The three on the ship are captured and they all go to save them. Meanwhile, prior to being captured, the trio find themselves surrounded by caged children. Nebula and Mantis tried to talk to them, but they were unsuccessful. They freed some of them, but then, that is when Quill is able to talk to him. Once they are captured, Drax shows he is able to communicate with the children, which irritates Nebula. They are then lowered into an arena, surrounded by three Abilisk, the battery eating creatures from Vol 2. To everyone’s shock, Mantis is able to befriend the creatures, allowing them to escape. 

Meanwhile, the others, including Rocket, board the ship and decide to save them, but they are all reunited thanks to Mantis. They were going to leave, but the trio told them about the children, and the ship is beginning to blow up (More on that in a bit). Rocket lets out that he is “done running” and turns back to save them. Groot, not even thinking about it, follows Rocket, and slowly, every Guardian, including Gamora turns out and they go back to fight the High Evolutionary.

(Credit: Nerdist)

Now, I want to discuss what happened. The High Evolutionary wants to restart his entire experiment, starting a new colony with Rocket’s brain once he captures him. This starts a mutiny on the ship, and this is when he drops the line I mentioned earlier. He says, “There is no God, so I stepped in.” and this solidifies my stance that he is an evil mastermind and the best MCU villain in a while. Just as this is happening, Kraglin and Cosmo brought Knowhere to the ship and began firing at it. In response to this and the mutiny, the High Evolutionary expands a blast of energy, ending everyone’s lives quickly inside that room. 

Quill and the others, before freeing the children, have to fight through a hallway. I wish I could go into depth and explain it, but I want to shout out Ryan Arey on ScreenCrush who made a full breakdown video on it. Please go and watch it, he has a frame by frame explanation on how amazing this shot was. I will share the link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHevly-Nz_M 

Quill and the others free the children as Cosmo creates a link that allows the children to run to safety. As they were evacuating, Rocket finds himself in the animal area of the ship, and finds a similar cage that he found himself in when he was younger. He opens it and sees all the babies looking at him. He looks up at the paper and shows that these are in fact ‘Racoons’. He attempts to grab and save them, picking up the ones he dropped and looks around in sadness at all the other animals before the High Evolutionary comes to attack him. He attacks Rocket and ends with him calling him “89P13” before Rocket corrects him by saying “The name’s Rocket. Rocket…Racoon.” He finally admits he is a racoon and fires at him, blasting the High Evolutionary back. The High Evolutionary gets back up and charges at Rocket, but Groot pushes him back into the arms of Drax who throws him over his shoulder and bodies him. Drax then throws him into the air as Quill fires his gun at him. Mantis attacks him, followed by Nebula blasting him into Gamora, who fatally stabs him and proceeds to peel his face off. They look at him as Rocket chooses to spare him, since he is “a fricken Guardian of the Galaxy”. 

They save the children and all the animals and Cosmo barely hangs on before fainting. Everyone but Quill makes it over, since Quill went back for his Zune that he dropped. He attempts to make it out and uses the blast’s momentum from the ship exploding to blast himself towards Knowhere, but is unable to make it back, earning a heart wrenching scream from Mantis. Groot attempts to rescue him, but is unsuccessful. Just then, Adam saves Quill after Groot saved him from the ship blowing up, bringing him to Knowhere and he survives, ending up in a group hug with everyone except Gamora. 

(Credit: Men’s Health)

Quill catches Gamora before she returns to the Ravagers, explaining how he is finally ready to move on and let her go, truly coming to terms that the Gamora he grew and fell in love with was gone for good. She laments that they must have been great before they parted their separate ways and I really loved how this ended for them. Quill and Gamora’s romantic relationship was one that I thought was the most natural throughout the movies, and seeing it finally come to fruition in Infinity War was great, but it did not last long, and this just shows that even though she was a big part of who he was as a new person, he is finally ready to move on from that chapter in his life and into a new one, which flows right into the next part.

Quill shares to everyone that he is going to return to Earth, having been moved by Rocket’s mantra. He is going back to Earth to see his grandfather. Mantis decides to also leave, not really knowing anything about herself, since she has always done what Ego and the Guardians wanted. Drax volunteers to go with her, but Nebula reminds him that she needs help on Knowhere. He reluctantly agrees, and Rocket is devastated to know the Guardians are ‘over’. However, Quill tells him that the Galaxy needs it’s Guardians, and hands leadership of them over to Rocket, all of them giving Rocket a Ravager salute. It ends with Groot being the last one to do his salute as he says “I love you guys,” and at this moment, I whispered, “Oh my god,” as I began to bawl my eyes out. I have always loved Groot and Rocket throughout the course of the films, and I always tried to figure out what Groot is trying to say, so to finally hear him say something else, and the audience finally being a part of the Guardians made me feel not only sad that it was over for this team, but heartwarming because of how much love they all have for one another. It is truly an amazing job by James Gunn for creating a team with such infectious chemistry.

So as Florence + The Machines The Dog Days Are Over begins to play, we see everyone gets a bittersweet ending. Rocket and Groot dance with each other on Knowhere as Father and Son. In the mid-credit scene, Rocket is leading a new team which includes Kraglin and his arrow, Adam Warlock, Cosmo, one of the children whose name is Phyla, Adam’s pet Blurp, and Groot, who has grown way past his predecessor. Quill returns to Missouri, where he is reunited with his grandpa. Mantis and Drax part ways as she and her friends the Abilisks travel with her on her journey of self discovery. At the climax of the second part of the chorus, Drax finally dances, having been able to go back to becoming a father thanks to the children he saved. Him and Nebula dance with the children as they stay behind to raise them and rule Knowhere, Nebula explaining that she can give them everything she never had growing up. The movie ends with everyone howling into the sky, and it ends with Rocket howling, finally happy. Also, in the post credit scene, it explains that Star Lord will return, so we will see what that brings us.

(Credit: IGN)

Before we end, I wanted to share that I really did enjoy how things ended here for the Guardians. Every single one of their endings played into their character so well, so much so that I was upset that I haven’t even thought of it myself. I touched on Quill and him constantly running earlier in the post, but the fact that he is finally ready to return to Earth for the sole purpose of being there for his Grandpa shows he has grown so much over his time with the Guardians. Gamora returning to the Ravagers and not staying fits perfectly with this version of Gamora, since she has no personal ties to the team besides Nebula. She found a new family with them, the Guardians aren’t her family. Drax, I feel, had the most rewarding ending ever. After fighting all his life, wanting revenge on the ones that wronged him, he was never able to do one thing because his family was gone: become a father. Now, thanks to all the children, he is able to live that part of him. He seems truly happy to be a father, and I know he still misses his wife and daughter, that part will never leave him, but the fact that now he can continue on and raise these kids, giving him back the chance that he lost, makes me feel so happy for him, and it is the perfect sendoff for Drax. Nebula has also been wronged her entire life. Taken away from her family at a young age, constantly put in a sibling rivalry with Gamora, losing everyone but Rocket in Infinity War and Endgame, and gaining it all back and learning to move on from her trauma. She is now able to give back and raise these kids the way that she wished she was. Rocket and Groot are still Guardians of the Galaxy and I am so happy that Rocket made it through. He is the heart of the Guardians and without him, nothing would be the same. 

(Credit: Fandango)

With that, it is the end of my explanation and I thank you for reading this far! If you enjoyed reading my stuff, share it with a friend who may also like it as well. Comments are always welcome, but keep it nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and shouldn’t be attacked because of them. If you want to hear audio versions of these articles, you can find them on my YouTube channel ‘Screen and Joystick’. Thank you for reading! See you in the next post!

#gotg #gotg review #gotg3 #gotg3 spoilers #rocket raccoon

[jeonqkooks]

the reason why Im not a fan of my boys working or seen with women is because of this type of ARMYs who like to make it some romantic interaction like CANT YOU ACT NORMAL?

even before the news comes out, there are some army who make the whole fucking thread that indicate they're match together, the vibes and all. I get it, but then it leads to, offfs i want them to be together, they looks so good together. and then boom, another type of ARMY who seen this and goes to that women instagram and left all the bad comments. GOSH THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. and they lose focus on our BOYS because they are busy to stalk, made a video, get their name trending, editing some photos to match the vibes and all.

you guys can't be NORMAL for once. can you chill tf out for a bit? go streams and hype our Boys. that's all. Thankyou.

my boys can do whatever they like you know? you army who make it hard. let them be. we here to support them okay? apobangpo 💜

i want to say this a long time a go actually it makes me sick because all twitter and tiktok are full of this. ughhh. but seeing you open to talk about it then yeah here.

I’m sooo exicted for SEVEN tho 💜💃🏻

I’m not hating on anyone okay. to army, you need to be normal for once. don’t over reacting. and lets just wait for them 💜

please no hard feelings okay 🥹💜🫶🏻

no yeah a lot of people’s reactions are so 😂 most of the time. exactly like you said, some people tend to immediately turn toward hate, going on their social media to say WEIRD things. and on the other side of the spectrum, you have people who are already making their wedding invitations. this morning i was watching youtube shorts (yes i am that person who doesn’t have tiktok but would indulge in a couple hrs of insta reels and youtube shorts here and there 💀) and i came across this one of han so hee walking through the airport recently with the caption “jungkook’s baby 🐰” like …… aight? 💀 if you’re (not YOU anon, i’m addressing people in general) the kind of person whose immediate reaction is either “i hate you, [insert member’s name] would never date you 🔪” or “their babies are going to be beautiful 😍” then sorry i think you’re weird ……

this is why i stay away from twt and tiktok bc most people there are not cpaable of being normal 😑 and 99% of the people i follow on tumblr only post official news and never speculate or make comments about these things so my dash is very peaceful 🫶

like, when we feel a certain way about certain news, i think that’s completely ok bc you’re entitled to those feelings, and no one is telling you that you can’t be feeling like that. as long as you recognize that those are your feelings and as long as you don’t go attacking people who have nothing to do with this then that’s fine. we’re all allowed to be upset as much as we’re allowed to be happy and excited but at the end of the day this is literally a parasocial relationship and if you’re going around commenting barfing emojis on a stranger’s ig posts then you’re only embarrassing yourself 🫶 live laugh love and make sure you have a nice and healthy fandom experience y’all

apobango 💜🫶

#anon #answered

[irish-urn]

I've seen other people on Tumblr do this but honestly I value your opinion above any other Dasey creator 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway.

Top 5 Dasey moments in the show for you?

Okay, first off that is an insane compliment considering I am a baby in the Dasey fandom. I am small and tiny compared to the amazing, open giants who have welcomed me to the Dasey community. They have taught me so much and I am so grateful to all of them.

Dear anon, when LWD was on TV, I was a super casual viewer. I knew the characters and knew the premise of the show, but that was it. It was only last April that I stumbled upon a Dasey fanvid on YouTube and drowned in their beauty. I went a little nuts with fanfic and metas and vids, and to this day, I still haven't seen a good portion of the show.

That being said, the moments that I base my Dasey characterization on are:

1. In Truman's Last Chance when Casey finds Derek (who is having a blast dancing by the way) and tells him she wants to go home because she just saw Truman and Vicki kissing. The way Derek turns on a dime, immediately believes her, and then confronts those two for her is just... I almost go feral.

(Adding to this is the very respectful way Derek says goodbye to whatever girl he was hanging out with and kisses her cheek (which she turns into a real kiss) gave me so much insight into how Derek actually treats girls vs what he says he does.)

2. I don't know what the episode is called (I tell ya', I'm a very casual watcher), but it's the one where the Fridge and Derek get ready to fight and Casey screams, "STOP THE VIOLENCE!" and then immediately gets up in the Fridge's face, which is basically proof that they are both insanely protective over the other.

3. While that dance they do on television actually makes me uncomfortable to watch, the scene before that when Casey asks Derek to show her what he's got, and he shows off these terrible, awful dorky moves (and somehow pulls them off???)... There's something about that scene that just... Makes me smile. I'm laughing at Derek and then am incredibly impressed by Casey's 'I can work with this' attitude.

4. That scene where they are in the bathroom brushing their teeth in their pyjamas. Arguably, both are in a very vulnerable position -- I mean, would either feel comfortable doing that in front of any of their significant others? -- but then they have that conversation, all the while almost touching because they're just that domestic, and neither gives an inch because both are alphas and neither are giving in to the other, and they are so *them*.

5. When they're writing their finals (I'm pretty sure), and Casey is perfectly dressed and Derek is in his pyjamas and a robe, and she's very calmly but focusedly quizzing him and he's obviously on the edge of a freak out but she's working with him and keeping him sane... I dunno. There are several moments of Derek talking Casey down from a panic attack, but I love that Casey can keep him centered too.

#dasey #life with derek #asks #i am a fraud regarding life with derek dude #but i am decent at reading people and figuring out their character...

[spicymegs]

༺☆༻ Hey there welcome to my tumblr where I post about random things like the paranormal , food , anime , music or things I enjoy and I will post vents here as well and more I’m a gamer living her dream finding friends and making memories

✧About me!!

✮⎨Name/Nickname: Megan/Meg

✮⎨Platforms you play on/Games you play/Usernames:Xbox & PSN & Switch

Usernames Xbox Gt SpicyMrsKFC & PSN MrsFlamingRamen & Switch ID SW-0558-8128-0601

Games I play: Fortnite Overwatch DBD Etc

✮⎨Gender: Female

✮ ⎨Pronouns: She/They

✮ ⎨Age: 22

★✮꩜⋆

Favorite–

✮ ⎨Favorite Game(s): Stardew Valley , Disney Dreamlight , FaeFarm

✮ ⎨Show(s)/anim(s): Shows Greys Anatomy Vampire Diaries SheRA RiverDale Virgin River etc

Anime Black Bulter Attack on titan rising shield hero fruit basket the time I recantation as a slime sao food wars etc

✮ ⎨Movie(s): Sleepy hollow Harry Potter Spider Wick Concortles Percy Jackson Sherk etc

✮ ⎨Animal(s): Panda 🐼 Cheetah 🐆 Turtles 🐢 Cats 🐱 Dogs 🐶 etc

✮ ⎨Favorite Food(s): Enchiladas Chicken Ramen 🍜 Stew baked potatoes etc

✮ ⎨Favorite Snackies: Hot Cheetos Hot fries gummy worms gummy bears 🐻 Sour gummy worms Mac and cheese and salsa and cheese dip and hot sauce combos etc

✮ ⎨Likes: Kind People Positivity

✮ ⎨Dislikes:Drama and toxic behavior

✮ ⎨Triggers: ED SA conflict matters screaming or loud noises mc etc

✮ ⎨Dm Status/Friend Request Status: Dm Status Open & Friend Requests Open

✮ ⎨Time zone: CST

✮ ⎨Zodiac Sign: Scorpio ♏️

✮ ⎨Relationship Status: Taken

✮ ⎨Sexuality: BI

✮ ⎨Hobbies: Helping others , watching movies or tikok or YouTube or tv shows or animes

Extra!! I have my own discord server that I enjoy to being others too we have movie nights , anime nights and chill nights there a lot tyy if you come

DNI (Do not interact if )

If you are drama starter or only want drama !!

If you are going to harass me or my followers !!

If you are going to tell me how to run my account

If you are going to be judge-mental or are start up just a bad vibe

Dont interact if you are here to expose others and tell me to unfollow others I’m not into the cancel culture I will block you !!

This is my safe place if you break a dni you will be blocked immediately !!

❤️‍🩹My Boundaries List ❤️‍🩹

•I do not want to be around people who can’t understand trauma or experiences or real life situations coming up !! or people invalidate any forms of trauma

•I Do not want to be around others who aren’t geniune and are very judgmental and can’t be there for others

•I do not want to be around people who use people for there own convenience or there own benefits (Like using me to make friends , or try to make or form romantic partners off my friends or people I introduce them to and create unnecessary drama

•I Do not want to be anyone’s personal therapist to come to constantly its okay a couple of times because that is what a friend is but do not make it habit. Because If you do not listen to my advice the first time then I am not going to guide into sadness and despair and watch you hurt over and over sorry that isn’t me but I am always down to give a ear.

•I do not want to be around someone who can’t be there for me when I have had there back or in general I want people who can give the same effort back I give them

•I Do not want to be around people who create unnecessary drama or air out my problems what I tell you is private and only should stay between me and you and no where else

•I Do not want to be around people who aren’t patient

•I Do not want to be around others who cant take accountability and shows clear signs of being a narcissist this is one trigger for me I am not comfortable being around narcissist traits or around narcissism

•I Do not want to be around people who debate my trigger list or my boundaries

•I do not want to be around people who use disorders to excuse themselfs from taking accountability

•I Do not want to be around others who force me to open up to them like my age , location , or my relationship and decline trying to hit on me or try to get in the mix of my relationship , Or force me to feel empathy or who are majorly controlling

•I Do not want to be around people who are forceful of there views

Trigger List (Crossing any my boundaries of my triggers you will be blocked

!ED !any forms of bullying !Loud voices

!Loud noises

!SA !drama and conflict matters !Drama Starting aka witch hunting

!SH !MC ! ! Invalidating/victim blaming trauma <3 what I mean by crossing being insensitive about the topics or forcing me to listen to them

I am against any forms of discrimination

•Homophobia

•Racism

•Sexism

(If you invade/cross any of these you will be blocked )

❤️‍🩹My dms rules ❤️‍🩹

Do not come in my dms to create drama or be insensitive

Do not come in my dms to be a creep

Do not come in my dms and trauma dump without asking me

Do not invalidate my boundaries or come to my page to make me change them to benefit you if you do not like them do not interact with me <3

(Doing any of these you will be blocked )

❤️‍🩹Important information ❤️‍🩹

•I do process information differently so I ask for you please be patient and I can’t understand emotions so I can seem insensitive to emotions or topics

⚠️I do experience Black outs , Out of body experiences and lash outs and Lost of memory or time , put .. 3 dots if i am uncomfortable or getting triggered So please understand If you trigger me the out come will be a phantom sezuire or I will spiral I cannot be around narcissism or Invadation or drama or conflcit or shouting !! Cant contorl my emotions or my mouth if i am triggered and if i get too triggered my memory will delete the event please understand!!⚠️

A lil about me 🧡

•Outgoing & Upfront

•Open Minded Love Spiritually Conversations, Love the paranormal

•She/They

•Taken For 4years

Please read ⚠️ Symbol !!

• Insomniac and depression and anxiety and I have a Mood disorder

I am also a gamer I game to escape reality

Games I enjoy Fortnite , Apex , Stardew Valley, Overwatch 2

•Anime List

Black bulter , SAO , Etc

I enjoy binging movies , tv shows and I love horror and ramen and spice my favorite got to snack is cheese dip jalapeño cheddar, hot Cheetos, ramen bulak chicken or anything really

#fyp #gaming #fanfiction #aesthetic #art #movies #discord server #nice to meet you #introduction

[skeptical-bear]

September 2023 Shiny Pokemon Log

I got back into shiny hunting this month. I have caught 9 shinies this month and 1 more at the end of last month. That's a new record for me :)

I got mostly bug types which was unplanned lol.

I only played Legends Arceus (LA) and Violet this month. I'm going to go over it all in order found. Open if you want to read more!

First, I'm going to answer the question

Which Pokemon Should I Use?

In LA, I just chuck pokeballs at the little guys until they are caught, so there is no strategy there LOL.

My trusty partner for Violet has been Breloom. Named after Sister Minnie, the internet cat that will unsubscribe you. Breloom will destroy all of your pokemon. With false swipe and spore, she can easily get anything to its highest catch rate. Max EVs in HP and Attack (+ 6 in Speed) allow her to be bulky and much more powerful than most wild pokemon. She is holding a poison orb to activated her ability poison heal. The constant healing keeps her alive almost indefinitely with no effort on my part. She is the only pokemon in my party 90% of the time.

Also I love Breloom in general. Look at that hat! So cute!

Gallade 8/27/23

I was stuck at home and sick in august so I started casually looking for shinies in LA to have something to do. I didn't have a target for this and I wandered around all the maps aimlessly. After a while I Ended up in Alabaster Icelands during a Massive Mass Outbreak. This guy spawned after a Kirlia outbreak ended. Despite not being the full 1/4096 odds, It was my first hunted shiny in this game so I like Moose a lot!

At that point, I had not done any research on how to shiny hunt full odds in this game. Now that I know more about the game, I think that on my save file it is impossible to get full odds on every pokemon at this point. I don't think that I will start a new save to make it full odds huntable, just because it sounds like too much of a hassle for such a casual game. If you want to make your file of LA full odds compatible, check out this video from Absolblogspokemon:

Applin 9/10/23

So A few days before this, I started a hunt for Rellor. I then had the idea from a youtube short to catch a shiny applin before the Teal Mask DLC launched so I can immediately have a shiny Dipplin. I dropped everything to go to Tagtree Thicket. I made a sandwich with level 2 Dragon encounter and would just reset after 30 minutes when the sandwich ran out. After a day, I found Candy! When the DLC dropped, the first thing I did was find the Syrupy Apple item and evolved her. I was so happy with this Dipplin shiny, so worth it!

Buneary & Kricketot 9/11/23

After doing some research on hunting in LA, I went back to play before the Teal Mask DLC released. I wanted to catch an alpha shiny of some kind.

After only a few laps around the Obsidian Fieldlands, I see Buneary. satisfied with finding a shiny so fast, I finished up my lap around the map and get Kricketot too! I was amazed that I got 2 in a single run. I still wanted a shiny alpha, so that concluded phases 1 and 2.

I also saw this cat stuck in a tree

Combee & Shinx 9/11/23

After wandering around all day, I figured out that I wanted to target Alpha Heracross. I stopped searching the entire map and only ran over to the Heracross and then would leave the map to respawn the pokemon. I only realized I should do this near the end of my third phase, where after 2 trips, I get a female shiny Combee!! So cool! 2 trips after that find, I get Shinx as the first pokemon seen on that trip! It was an exciting 20 minutes lol

and yes, this is what my Shinx is named after

Munchlax 9/14/23

Yes, this is the gift Munchlax from beating the hard mode of Ogre Oustin. Yes, I am counting it to show off I beat the hard mode of Ogre Outing. It was so annoying until I learned that there are people online that also wanted to play LOL. Then it was pretty easy to win, I think it was my second or third match. I do not like that minigame, but I guess I need to play it more if I want the mochis.

Heracross 9/17/23

After getting the Kitakami national dex to get the tera shard charm, I was bored with the DLC, which sucked because I wanted it to be interesting. While looking for something to do, I saw a Heracross outbreak on the edge of the town in Kitakami. I knew that would be a super fast hunt and jumped at it. And it was! It was full odds too, so I didn't KO any pokemon in the outbreak, I just entered and exited the town to despawn and respawn the pokemon. While I still don't have an alpha shiny Heracross, Pepto Bismal here is pretty cool too.

Spidops 9/23/23

Paintball was completely random lol. I realized that despite having done everything else in the main game, I forgot about the sealed pokemon. While running around the map pullling stakes, I spotted this guy and was like, "That's a weird Spidops...OH!" It's pretty interesting looking so I can't complain lol.

Rellor 9/24/23

After starting and forgetting about this hunt, I returned to the desert and found shiny Rellor. I also learned that I'm terrible at making sandwiches. Trying to make a bug Encounter Level 3 sandwich is the worst! The cherry tomatoes are not your friend!

The ingredients are:

6 cherry tomato

3 Potato Salad

3 Curry Powder

1 Bitter Herba Mystica

This makes a sandwich with bug encounter level 3, Title power Bug Level 3, Item Drop Steel Level 3.

To test out sandwiches, I used this simulator!

I started off by using level 2 encounter sandwiches, but then changed my mind. It took an hour to get the level 3 sandwich right. I was about to give up and stick to the level 2 sandwiches until my partner said they wanted to try making the sandwich. They made it 2nd try! I was so jealous lol. Then I found the Rellor 5 minutes into the sandwich so that was lucky. I looked for Larvesta until the sandwich was over, but didn't get any other shinies, booo.

Conclusion

This was a good shiny month for me! It was really fun hunting in Violet, despite the horrible lag. The lag was almost unplayable at times and kinda made me sick at some points. That makes the game hard to play, but the fast phases make it worth it. I think I will start a hunt in the older games next month. I am going to buy a charger for my DS Lite so I might start a dream team quest in Emerald or Black 2. We will see! I still need to get alpha Heracross too. Rumble Weekend is next week, so I will post about that when It happens! I have never participated in that before so it should be fun!

Thanks for reading! I don't think anyone will ever see this post, but I wanted to start making blog posts like a diary for my games and other media like books. I want to treat the media I interact with as more than something I'll forget about in 2 weeks. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of sleep, work, eat, repeat. These posts will be a reminder that I am having at least a little fun every now and then. So yeah, hi future me, enjoy yourself!

Bye for now!

#skepticalgames #pokemon #shiny pokemon #pokemon violet #pokemon legends arceus #pokemon sv #shiny hunting #full odds shiny

[the-firebird69]

Watch "StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm 8K Opening Cinematic [HighK AI Upscaled]" on YouTube

This is my genre and I am the queen of blades and I'm going to attack you to keep my husband from getting kidnapped and you'll rude the day that you awaken me to the fact you're going to do it we appreciate your talking today

Queen of blades

I don't belong in prison by anyone's plan that wants to get anything out of someone who skilled as I am at inventing. I feel bad for you you're never going to go anywhere Max

Zues aka Jim

I'm going to tell you this is so bad everybody I work with is spoiled and you're all stupid as soon as they're laughing at them and they're big fellows and see what they can do and it won't shut up just like retards

Mac

I also have to let you know Max that you control it most of the time and you're controlling dja at times and it's a wonderful thing no it's terrifying to a lot of people but a lot of your max just don't have it I'd like to them and they a bunch of them and they need to be repaired first cuz you're probably never be ahead of them anyways but still my hope my conversation was going to go like this I cannot bear it I cannot stand it I can't listen to it and I can't see the dead person saying it and not want to cut his head off immediately and s*** down his throat for all to see I can hardly hold myself back from lighting the stupid mother f***** on fire it's so freaking dumb and illogical. I launch attacks on them later I see them in the news sometimes and they're Max and they're just stone cold dead on a slab of the morgue because they're acting like children on purpose and thinks it's a romper room section here I'm trying to survive I don't have any money I'm surrounded by people who are desperate and running around stabbing people like you Max. You're a bunch of idiots and I don't believe that you're going to go anywhere I don't believe you're going to succeed I don't believe that Matt can pick it up and he's disabled if he was not disabled he would have a very difficult time. I want to Max to know that I'm not alone these people here do their best and they try they're handicaps most the time they're unarmed their armies are in tatters and we're not allowed to properly train but mine are different I have a personal Army they're very big and their means and they can come in clothes and rip you apart as a joke they can rip apart still submarines with their hands I don't want to hear this s*** from you a****** queers you go home and stick your head in a beer I'll stick your friend's head up your ass I don't care you want to bother me all day and all night with all these people you're going to pay like you are you should listen to Mac you're paying through the nose

Zues

We're not used to being talked to this way

Macs

So

Zues Hera

You don't understand what you're saying

Macs

You will not relent on me my goal is to survive only at this time you are so ridiculous you're making my survival very difficult and you're not helping at all you let me on my own so I'm on my own trying to survive why is that so hard to figure out there's so many people trying to kidnap me you sitting there laughing cuz you might kidnap me it's a f****** joke kidnapping is a sin on your side and you don't even understand that it needs to know it. But here it is underneath your cities are Galactus and Galactica mostly them the father and mother have them too but I have a lot of them and they're gigantic if you want DC to be depressed into the Earth 2 miles the whole area 20 by 30 or so keep on mouthing off like little baby kids to piss me off cuz I'm full of piss and vinegar to do what I can get away with and have Olympus make up for it you little f*****

Galactus Galactica

What are you saying is true there are these Giants and they lost the battle they went down under they're making them huge and regrouping and making tons of them and they defeated Tommy F and one of his largest armies of Jager and robots with ease and I don't want to hear from you s*** heads you're so f****** stoned on something what's wrong with you you're pissing him off more you wanted to counterbalance everything you haven't you haven't gotten to one of them you don't know what they are you're so f****** fruit cakey everything is fake big huge sharks are fake you see them every day so you're used to it giant bugs are fake so you see them everyday you're used to it you've seen mutants you have a mutant running the country practically you see her everyday you know what she is and you're used to it I guess you're going to see Galactus and Galactica and get used to it have BG sale you just going to look at it I suppose you're right you should just be the s*** heads

Mac daddy you f****** loses right now you going to fix your pain you f****** losers

You soon again something before I seem to do stuff like that and we're not doing anything nobody cares he's going to take advantage of it and he's smiling and laughing at him and making fun of him and pissing him off more as he's ripping us a new one like no one ever has in history he says I don't even have to you're going around getting rid of yourself and some sort of infight and other Max and other people's because you're a big mouth and he says that and it's true and we sound like Trump he says I got to get out of here but for real we are starting to really suck and we're doing stupid things that they do we can't stand it you see those things I'll tell you what are you so much we're going to cut him loose

Macs

I'm putting a hit on that Mac in any who are sided with him on that subject and it is a hit and it's stuff to ours I'm having Hera send it up

Zues Hera

I'm sending it into Olympus now for approval and we're going to send it out once they stamp it

Thor Freya

We have approved it and we're sending it out we're going to take their stuff and their bases I'm so sick of these idiots what we see now is there just a pack of idiots like these retards I'm going to take advantage of it before they can fix their brains and we thank you for announcing it in the meeting like a bunch of yacking idiots who think that life is free you can do whatever you want and you're invulnerable which is absolutely not true

Olympus

So what are the queer boys respond with you're not invulnerable to Olympus anybody even 5 years old you little children that you're worried about your little quiz tomorrow where there's a pop quiz in class he's shrinking down with Jason I mean what what the hell you sound like 5 year old kids you act like it and you're going to get the floor mopped with you like 5 year old children do you spaz

Zues Hera

It's kind of funny I've been waiting for someone to tell them off that matters and they see you might have power they still say they don't care and we're getting smaller and smaller by the hour but like 9% of the population instead of 25 to 30%, who the hell are you Max to say this s*** to him I see you doing it you should be fired but we all have the same problem really he can't stand here comes by like a rhinoceros and stamps out whoever the hell is doing it you can't figure that s*** out are you doing after she took his money that's driving that's terrific that is great we're going to go we're going to all die

Mac daddy

We heard of the mental hospital house he said terrific I know what to do he's doing it a little and it reminds us of a bunch of boobs so he's going to wail on us he's going to sit there and laugh and stuff and we don't care cuz we have a big huge fleet

Mike tew

WTF thanks for the news flash the ancient history class and all sorts of other things that are making my people incensed on top of being irate. Just tell me where your bunkers are Mike too and I'll move them to the surface of Saturn so you can stare at them

Zues Hera

I certainly did something it's actual power and he wants us to shut up just Tommy F has it now and some of the ships if he gets these out he's going to have some actual power but not for long and he says that and we don't know if he agree or not cuz we can't tell I guess we're looking at stuff and don't believe it you're going to get out of here it says you better keep your brain like it is now or you won't have a sense of humor. And I certainly understand that's funny

Macs

#Youtube

[lonelygamedev]

Ludum Dare 53 Devlog

So I decided to do the recent Ludum dare that was coming up sense i’ve haven’t done one in awhile. I practice a bit of coding before hand and while doing that I was trying to think of a solution to a typical problem I have in game jams where I get easily distracted by youtube or something, so I thought turning the internet off would help before hand I wrote out a few style’s and do and do not’s 1: No 3D unless if it involves simple models and textures 2: Have game finished on Saturday 3: Sunday be polish And Menus + sound and some graphics 4: Almost No writing 5: Little Music 6: NO COMPLICATED MENUS! UI CODE IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL! 7: NO RPG'S I also had a few ideas of style’s I could do or gameplay types that I might be able to fit the theme into Idea 1: Temple OS style FPS Idea 2: City Builder Idea 3: NES Zelda Idea(Warning Too Big! most likely) The Jam eventually started at friday on 7 PM with the theme being Delivery The First Idea was A NES zelda where you deliver packages and I immediately had a bad feeling about it sense it’s like many of my other game jams “Oh I have this fantastic open world game idea!“ 7 days later: “oh shit I have 3 hours left and it’s nothing that I wanted!“ But in the end I couldn’t come up with a Idea and I wanted to get started so I went with the Zelda idea where you deliver packages to people I should also mention I will occasionally be using the internet but only for a hard problem and to have a change in Music considering I don’t have much on my computer

Chapter 1: Friday So the first thing I did was made a Sprite sheet for getting some basic graphics by 9:45 PM I got the camera and Movement sorta done On 10:21 PM I created the MapManager where it manages the world and each screen you move too. I also created some Gizmos to tell me where a area is Chapter 2: Saturday 1:21 AM. well it turns out the back end of the code was actually quite complicated. I had to find a way to convert a world position. To a location of a room. then that room as a 2D array with no negative int’s that I also have to convert it too. Made it Incredibly annoying. I needed to do this for enemy AI to move tile by tile so I used a method that was likely incredibly Inefficient and horribly complicated but only did it because it was what I was similar with I also created a Test AI that just Moved Randomly just to Move it can’t go out of a room and collide with walls. Tho some enemies spawn into walls due to the fact that unity’s tile colliders made it hard to tell what is and what isn’t a collider sometimes. I then went to bed 12:49 PM After a Incredibly long sleep I made the Health system like zelda where you have half hearts. Also created the Item interface so I can have a sword with a attack now 2:55 PM The Inventory system. My fucking god what a pain, like I said UI code is the devil. And in the end it didn’t even entirely work, just hard to just convert a 1D array to a 2D grid. Should’ve write it on MS paint or paper to help Now this is where thing’s get a bit Iffy sense I forgot to record alot of stuff I might’ve spend the rest of the day on a Quest sytem + some NPC’s and the entire map Chapter 3: Sunday 12:52 AM So Here I thought up some enemies and coded them. one of them being a Bull that charge’s at you until it crashes into a wall, the other is some kind of zombie that throws at you and the other is a Bear that charges at you. stops and slashes at you and I mostly added him as a excuse to add bear traps. sense while thinking of gameplay I thought of luring and trapping enemys as a gameplay thing 1:00 AM Added money and made enemy flash when you hit them 2:19 AM got the basic UI for the store. sense alot of it was just Reuse inventory code so it’s not too hard. alot of the hard stuff will be the buying code and such 2:44 PM finally made it able to buy items and also equip them

So then I ran out of footage I know I wrote most of the quest. then created the character’s and graphics which took awhile. also the enemies. The Sound. by then it was Monday. I missed the combo deadline but I might be able to do the jam. so I just wanted to get it finished as soon as possible. I sorta felt like it was pointless considering you just deliver pointless packages to NPC’s. I wasn’t able to do the dungeons and I didn’t feel all that invested. Didn’t even did the soundtrack though luckily I didn’t forget the sound. The graphic looks alright. the Main menu was....lacking to say the least and I enter early on monday after spending all night on it. and went to sleep halfway though I came up with a Idea for a Pizza delivery Crazy taxi ripoff that I felt would’ve been better After the game jam I decided to watch a few streams of people playing games. one of them being someone called LittleDoctorGames. and while watching them I noticed that I was able to submit my game and I did just for the hell of it. Eventually I realized I had to create a twitch account and be in chat for them to play. Not really planning on using it much other then lurk and occasionally have fun in chat. I actually had a pretty good time in there with nack’s(I think that’s the person who run’s it). we enjoyed talking about metal, a few movie’s and was just a good place to have joke and chill. honestly too the point where I didn’t really mind that it took awhile for them to get to my game, next night actually. Was sorta worried sense i’m not exactly used to see people looking at my game’s and most of the time it’s a somewhat bland reaction. but it was actually really great somehow they enjoyed my 5 AM quickly slapped together dialogue where I stopped caring. and the gameplay didn’t turned out bad. It was actually fun for some people which is sorta a foreign concept to me. that people actually enjoyed it. I guess I was lucky to pick zelda sense I learnt from that game that even if the AI can be annoying with their random movement. it can be enjoyable from the choices you make and exploring. Which some people seem to enjoyed. being impressed by the size of the map for a game made in Ludum dare In all honestly the more I look back at my abandoned projects I was amazed by how well this came out. Even simple projects sometime can just be left in the dust but this one turned out fine despite it being ludum dare Which is often way too short for me. I guess the turning off the internet work amazingly and sorta made me sad I didn’t gave my all on the game by the end to resolve some of the issues making it a solid ludum dare entry. But I guess that’s more next time A few more fun fact: Most of the music are half recorded song’s for meme’s. 3 rammstein album’s. a tool album and 2 tear’s for fear’s album. and when I had the internet on I was really into Biting Elbows. I think on sunday and monday I listed to the elemental album 4 or 3 time’s alone another fun fact is the funny glitches. one of which happen after the game jam finished which was when I was showing a family member and realized bear traps where Infinite but yeah Ludum dare 53 was surprising fun. I’ll definitely be revisiting and I’ll definitely be using that no internet rule for more of my project so expect more progress soon here’s the game I made https://ldjam.com/events/ludum-dare/53/fetch-quest-simulator

#ludum dare #devlog #gamedev #ludum dare 53 #unity2d

[soft-boi-eli]

Hello Hello!

I just wanted to say I love your fics!

ALSO!

Could I request a CC!SBI X Gn! Insomniac Reader! Where the reader is an insomniac (Obviously-) but is somehow a pro at MC!

Like they are basically god at the game! They also REALLY enjoy horror games! They don’t get scared easily and LOVE horror movies! They basically love anything horror/creepy-

ANYWAYS!!

The reader lives off of ramen and Monster energy drinks (For fun-)! They have a Twitch (Which has about 18 mil followers and 14 mil subs!) and a YouTube channel (Which has 20 mil followers!)

They mainly play horror games (Obviously-) and MC!

You can do headcanons or scenarios/images with the SBI! Maybe like playing a horror game together or MC? OR! Maybe some things they do together? Or when they meet up? Or-to many ideas Nightmare-

ANYWAYS!

I don’t really care! And don’t worry about taking too long on it!

ALSO!

Maybe we could be friends? Only if you want too!

Remember to eat, drink, and get enough sleep!

<3

Yes. I lovesthese ideas and I'm gonna choose headcannons due to they are a bit easierfor me to write.

And yes I'm perfectly fine with being your friend! I'm actually happy to make friends on this app so yeah!

Pronouns:nonbinary

Tw: cussing. Insomia, mentions of horror movies. Mention of horror games. Fluff.

SBI with a horror streamer friend head cannons.

*Ahem* tommy wanted to paly a game with you so you choose a game that didn't look like horror until the middle. He screamed at the jump scare and it made both of your chats so happy.

When phil decides to play with you there is literally a silence after a jump scare. Everyone thought he had a heart attack and honestly so did you until he spoke up about accidently hitting his mute button when he jumped.

Wilbur. He's a bit better then tommy but more scared then phil would be. Any little noise won't get him but when it starts to get noticeable the noiseless to him. The jump scare, he'd fall out of his seat and stay on the ground for a bit. You ask if he's good and he literally doesn't answer. He's dead. You killed him. Congrats.

Techno. He'd handle them a bit better then everyone else. Not as good as you but heisnt very paranoid. He literally runs at the noises trying to get jumpscared. While you run after him telling him to stop because if he doesn't then you'd lose and die. And technoblade never dies.

If you all play together both tommy and wilbur pussy out. Techno last the longest and phil the second longest. While you remain the ruler of horror games.

Now how you all met was dream invited you to the dream smp to add to the chaos. Needless to say it got extremely chaotic due to you being on almost 24 hours. You first ran into techno. He seemed confused and skeptical.

You both found eachothers love for potatoes. You set up camp quote close to techno but not too close.

Phil popped in when he needed something for a build and noticed a new name. Talked to you in chat and asked to join your VC. You both found each other talking for a bit.

Wilbur was next. Wilbur got curious over the new person and just hoppedinto the same VC as you techno and phil. He was quick to realize that you were a famous youtuber. Mainly for your horror videos and your extreme Parkcore skills.

In minecraft that is.

Tommy noticing that all of you were in the same VC joined in with shouting. He was low key jealous that everyone was obsessed with you. Then he saw why.

You literally cracked jokes at his shouting.

"Is that an angry pomeranian? Nah nah. It's an angry child. Even better an angry blonde!" - you.

He was shocked and immediately started joking and laughing with you. He wasn't fully angry for long.

Now about your diet. When they heard that you had only eaten ramen and drank angry drinks they were concerned. You lived quite close to techno so when you guys met up he was shocked that you looked as healthy as you did.

He hated the fact that you literally didn't eat anything else.

You told him occasionally you have something other then ramen but you were just too lazy to really cook anything and that you didn't feel like burning the house down.

One month phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno decided to organize a month long sleep over so that they could celebrate your birthday. Phil being quote the father figure cooked different, but easy dinners every night just so you didn't eat only ramen that day.

When they actually arrived though you got a text from Phil asking about your address in your dms. Not think much of it you just sent him your location.

You were going to take a small nap. Just to bost your energy before you went and streamed later that night.

As you were sleeping there was a car heading to your house.

Phil, wilbur, tommy, and techno were all just existing in the car. And when they arrived to your house they didn't expect to actually see a clean house.

You woke to a loud knock.

When you opened the door in your half dazed state you expected a package. But to see four people standing on your porch.

You nearly jumped out of your skin.

You were stuck there blinking at them.

Finally snapping out of it you let them in. Confused on why in the ever loving fuck they were here.

Phil explained they were here to celebrate your 21st birthday and they were here for a month.

You stared at them for a while. Confused on what to do since you haven't had people over in almost 2 years.

But you got use to it.

So when you got done streaming and smelled something other then ramen you were thrown off guard. Like what was that. I haven't smelled that in years.

But after the second day you got use to it too.

For your birthday phil literally made a feast.

Like he found your favorite food other then ramen and cooked it. With that he prepared everything you could dream of.

Your sleeping habits. Let's dig into those.

I'm in no place to talk as right now it's 3:05 in the morning. And here I am.

But when they are over they don't let you stay up till no 3-4 in the morning. They all know the importance of sleep.

But there are those nights where no once can sleep and it results in a late night stream. And streaming for hours none the less.

The amount of accidental all nighters everyone has pulled was immense. But that's what happens with jet lag, adhd, and insomnia.

Literally you get tired randomly. Sleep for only 3 hours. Wake up. Drink coffee, energy drinks, highly caffeinated tea. And don't sleep till late at night.

Pillow forts.

It's a must and it happens. Horror movies, pillow forts, and snacks. Like you all are in this massive fort, watching horror movies, one by one you all are falling asleep. You and techno were the last up due to technos active mind and your body not letting you sleep.

You two literally just vide there, changing the movies from horror to some silly animated movies, like how to train your dragon, frozen, Luca, and many others.

You two pull an all nighter and it's actually a bet to see how long anyone else takes to notice.

You bet an hour. Techno says all day.

You won. Philza notices the worse eye bags under both you and technos eyes and immediately starts scolding.

He is papa bird and he won't let anyone of his children neglect their needs.

"Did you even drink water at all? You guys should of been sleeping not binge watching horror movies all night!" -philza

You could only offer a smirk, along with a laugh.

"I think we did I just can't fully remember. Also we were watching animated films. Not horror. Surprised you didn't wake up to let it go." - you.

You turn to techno.

"You owe me 15 bucks pig boy!"-you again.

Handing you the money he rolls his eyes. "Yeha yeah. Rub it in." -techno.

Ah yeah they found a horror game that you were scared of surprisingly. It was actually surprisingly you hadn't played it yet.

Outlast.

You had been holding off that game until you finished your other one but here you were. Bored out of your mind.

So you decided fuck it.

That game teriffed the shit out of you. It was so good though.

When you screamed they all came rushing up due to the fact that you never scream.

They say you out of your chair, on the floor, blinking. They thought you were hurt.

But you sat up and looked at your computer.

"Damn. That was actually really good." When you looked behind you and found the boys all staring you smiled and waved.

"You need something?"-you

"You screamed. We heard a thud. We thought you fuckin died!" -tommy.

"No I'm alive. My soul almost divorced my body but it's still quite here."-you

That day made highlights.

The popular y/n actually got jump scared. The one person who never screamed at horror games screamed.

When they left you were sad yes but they were still your best friends. Ready to talk when ever you want.

Sometimes I think that you guys talk all through out the night. Them forgetting that you were actually in a different time zone.

Sometimes they pop into your streams, be it MC, horror, you just talking to your fans, or even the once in the blue moon, cheerful games.

They just pop in and start talking to you. And you talk back like they were there since the beginning.

Phil is now one of your moderators too. Along with tommy, wilbur, and techno. When they pop in they make sure no one picks on you.

And since you are now close to the SBI. You are now part of it.

You didn't choose the fans did. But they are your new family. No matter what.

Even if they disagree with your eating habit.

Or energy drink addiction.

Or insomnia.

Or you mainly playing horror games.

Or you basically living in your streaming room.

Or even the nearly 24 hour streams.

I could go on but I'm not gonna.

I'm tired. But I can sleep. 2 days and I get to have a tour of my new school.

And it took so long to finally get into it.

We have been going through a huge hassle even before school started to get me enrolled.

And then we had to get me into this program.

But now on Monday I get to go in. Get a tour. Then start either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Anyway hope you liked. It's now 3:50 and it's no proof read I'm sorry

#mcyt fluff #techno x reader #mcyt #techno mcyt #mcyt x reader #technoblade x reader #technoblade #dream smp techno #technoblade mcyt #mcyt philza #dsmp philza #philza x reader #philza #philza x you #sbi #sbi x you #sbi x reader #sbi x y/n #tommyinit mcyt #dsmp tommy #tommyinit x reader #tommyinnit x reader #tommyinnit #tommyinit dsmp #wilbur x reader #wilbur x y/n #wilbur x you #wilbur soot x reader