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hospitalterrorizer · 2 months

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diary164

2/25-26/2024

sunday - monday

exporting the song again rn.

to be honest i am writing this ahead of midnight but i have thoughts in my head and also, surprisingly, i feel like playing video games. so rn i want to get my thoughts down, check the song, and thennn, idk, maybe play video games...

anyway the thoughts:

today something dumb happened i don't really need to go into, saying something even 'happened' is probably the incorrect read but i am usually too sensitive to what people say and how they say it, it was a discussion about misgendering and i had said "you can misgender a pet it doesn't matter," which is true, i think (i dislike ascribing human features to animals it feels grotesque especially when kindness between you and an animal (any animal, not pets) is founded on material grounds over anything else), but a whole thing came out of it, about misgendering and talking about it in front of me like i have no concept of that, idk, i know my name on discord says 'boy' but i feel like anyone who really knows me (i felt like some of these people should have) would realize that i'm at least not cis, and beyond that indeterminacy, i don't want to say anything. this obviously sucked, i disliked being talked down to, it felt like, but after i showered and looked at it, it just seemed like people wrapped up in complexes that they could not really shed or whatever and had to explain something to not feel, something, idk. i think i am intimately aware of gendering people and so on, it felt less like it really had anything to do w/ me and instead an internal person they invented out of me saying it's no big deal to not know if a cat is a he or a she and maybe it's funny to not know. i dislike being around people so neurotic, i guess, it just agitates. but the thoughts are actually not even like, about the people here, really.

the thoughts came later thinking on the film 'funeral parade of roses,' which is about transfeminine people in japan in 1969, gay culture at that time, there's documentarian moments interspersed, little interviews with the queens (this seems like a good thing to call them) and one in particular says, i am paraphrasing, of herself when asked why she is a "gayboy" (this was the term at the time) and she, not particularly bothered, i recall at least intones something that feels mostly like 'because', unperturbed by the term and feeling herself really, i think, sort of locating herself in the space granted when one is basically dead to the world, where broader sociality would like to dispose of you. this is aspirational to me, that movie speaks to me deeply, in the experiences it describes and its mania, it feels like something in my heart. i do my makeup like eddie, who is referencing twiggy i imagine, with the drawn on lashes. i carry it with me, as part of my face, as much as i can at least, when do makeup. i never want to do any other look. it's odd, maybe. anyhow, this thought collided with the reading i was doing yesterday from tiqqun in cybernetic hypothesis, not the part about panic but the oscillation between perverse enjoyment of one's desires, and then the involuntarism, the quietude and refusal to speak.

"first gesture, i fashion some reality, i disrupt, and i disrupt myself in the same act. all sabotage has its source there. what my behavior represents at that moment does not exist for the apparatus that is sabotaged along with me. neither 0 or 1 i am the absolute third. my pleasure exceeds the capacity of the apparatus. second gesture, i don't respond to the human or machine feedback loops that attempt to encircle me, like bartleby, i "prefer not to," i stand apart, i don't connect, i stay put. i use my passivity as a force against the apparatuses. neither 0 nor 1, i am the absolute nothingness. first phase: i take my pleasure perversely. second phase: i reserve myself."

tiqqun - the cybernetic hypothesis

i feel the quotation makes the connection more evident, but i feel the actor playing eddie, she elucidates this vantage in her speaking/nonspeaking, her existing and the relative quiet of her responses, at least in memory. perhaps i am wrong textually, or in half measures, but there's something here, i am sure of it. i suppose what i am thinking about right now is the gulf i feel between myself and others re: gender, a lot of the time, i don't want to really elucidate it, i don't want to be intelligible, i don't want to submit to what feel like apparatuses made to wrench people who were for long periods of history, decided to be decadent and deathly, corpses out of the ground, put back into circulation of discourses, every voice will be heard, every voice will speak. a transparency which asks us to confess, the cybernetic forces as an inquisition which ask a conforming to a certain kind of reason. idk, maybe this is too harsh on the people i know, i imagine they'd all basically agree with me, is the thing, but i feel so outside them, i don't engage how they do, i am here, and they are on the other side of something. it feels like their response to me talking about animals, was to revive discourse, or to invent it, and use the mode of discourse, platitudes drawn to maximal length, to lose all meaning but carry much weight, stones of language, the form/gesture itself more meaningful than the content, a method of production, i guess. it all comes down to methods of production, language is production, and for them if i was being 'nihilistic' by saying you could ignore a cat's gender (it has none, it conceives of itself, if it does, as a line passing over history, from meals to beds, from sunlight to elsewhere, and pain and the absence of pain, no subjectivity but the being there a center between many pulsions at any point in time, and needing to decide what it will do), i was being insensitive to meaning, i suppose, i did not mean to be, i care about not hurting people's feelings, i never would really, it just bothers me. i am othered, perpetually, any time i feel like i am speaking loosely. are others so afraid to be loose that they tether themselves to discourse so as to keep themselves, i suppose, holy, clean, pure, and moral? is that all it is. it is strange. no one said anything to me, i was condescended to, it felt like, while at once being ignored, a discourse sprung up beside me and ignored me. this made it more intolerable.

anyway.. i am going to game. i want to use a character i played a lot in elden ring and respec them and remake their face into like, something cute. and cute outfits and stuff or whatever. or idk, it might be better to do a character that needs to go do things.

there was a third char that was like, where i needed them to be, i went and killed the boss you have to kill to access the new areas, when that comes out, in like, 4 months. the boss gave me trouble my first go around but he was way easier this time w/ this build. i forgot that i kind of created a demented caster/sword build, it's a little over powered, which is good tbh, cuz i am bad at video games, basically.

i also did make my character cuter, and change their outfit and name and stuff, that kind of thing is really nice for me, idk why. it's scary looking at what people get up to w/ the sliders tbh, sometimes i look to see how to like, make something look more human, and then i see people kind of making weirdly, idk, it feels oddly sexual, in ways that baffle me.

anyway, outside of playing a video game too much today, what else is there, rn i am re-exporting the problem song, trying to un-dip some of the mids in the main guitar sounds to see if they'll become more present/sound a little less, idk, dead? it's weird, how they sound, it's so close, so far, sad but not frustrating rn.

playing a souls game is so strange, i remember years ago playing ds1, it was such a strange experience, i think one thing about elden ring that disappoints a bit, is it's less sharp visually, so it's a little less idk, surreal, and it lacks i guess like, this kind of unreadability that comes from ds1's weird graphics, being so hd and still kind of evidently abstract. a striking and beautiful game. i think elden ring is very pretty but it's different, i think maybe it inches nearer to that kind of beauty than ds2 or 3, the weird naturalism, but it's not as overwhelming i guess, from ash lake to just how the game made stuff like moss look, idk, it was very uncanny for me, anor londo felt genuinely moving to see, the architecture and its presentation.

thinking about ds1 now and my gender thing from earlier, there's an obvious point of reference for me w/ dark sun gwyndolin who i know started all kinds of annoying debates, all i really know is i always really liked them, and i guess saw something weirdly aspirational about being uncannily beautiful or something, in that way, there were other points in my life where i was developing those ideals, it was one of many i suppose, but they are a character i am fond of, in that kind of way. meaningful to self-development in a way i guess.

here's something cute, gwyndolin's legs w/o the dress attached:

i would like to have snake legs one day.

here's something else cute, today i was finding vintage fabrics on flickr:

i'd like to find something to do w/ these, i imagine they'll be really good for cover art. here's another cute thing i found today, a flickr with some very pretty photos of things a woman owns/her home:

i hope the fourth cute thing i can talk about is this song being good. i need it to be good. i really want it to be right. maybe i am just ssstupidddddddd........ idk.

if that can't be the fourth cute thing, i hope i at least am, or something.

i am probably gonna wake up really late tomorrow.... guhhh

the next time i work is 6-9, at least, that'll give me time to unfuck my sleep. i can see the sun now. i hate it. i want to live under the moon forever, i've always preferred it, i think it's just so pretty.

i would like to record tomorrow but i don't think i'll be able to. i almost wrote that in past tense, like, i would have liked to have recorded tomorrow. which feels true but is a mess to read, but the affect it carries is how i feel. the future's turned to prediction now. but i can be wrong, i guess.

i think this song, really, honestly, is fine now. fourth cute thing accomplished, i am the fifth, hopefully, maybe, noww.

anyway i am so sleepy, i need to just go pass out now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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carelesswispe · 3 years

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Yo! Could I get an angst fic with Hubert, where the reader has lost an eye in battle?

Losing an eye in battle

Uwaa~ this was more fun than I thought it would be! Thank you so much for requesting! I had to rewrite this a couple times because I think I misread your ask or smth at first haha idk whats up with me--anyway,, I hope you enjoy it ><

>genre: mostly angst

>pairings: hubert x reader (gn)

>warnings: mentions of blood, injury, fighting, the reader losing an EYE and implications of death (tell me if i missed any !)

‘You can do this, (name), after all, you’ve made it to the final stretch’ you hyped yourself up as you marched into the battlefield beside Hubert. The both of you were stationed at the back of the battalion to focus on supporting the front liners. Were you scared? Most definitely. Although this wasn’t your first battle, there was something nerve wracking about this battle being a huge step towards an end to this bloody war. But no matter how much you try to convince yourself, you couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in your gut that told you that something was going to go wrong.

Hubert, your ever reliable classmate and the man you adored, noticed the tense expression on your face. He clears his throat, loud enough to catch your attention. “As we approach this big hurdle in achieving Lady Edelgard’s goals, let’s keep up the good work” although it was awkward, you could tell that the man was trying to encourage you and it definitely helped to clear your noisy mind, even just a little.

You flashed the man a small smile, a determined look shining upon your eyes. This gesture made a rare smile play on his lips as well, the corners of his eyes softening slightly. As you watch the brunet’s broad back move farther into the battlefield, you realise that he too, was feeling anxious about this battle. And as strange as it sounded, you were comforted by this fact, hastening your steps to join him in the battlefield.

The first few battles were pretty tame, supporting Professor Byleth from behind, covering the professor whenever there was the slightest bit of an opening in the professor’s movements. But after a while, maybe it was because you weren’t paying attention but you found yourself separated from the professor.

Mumbling a curse under your breath, you survey your surroundings to find yourself in a torrent of dust and smoke. You feel dread pool the bottom of your stomach as you see a large silhouette approaching you.

You assume a defensive stance as the figure becomes clearer and clearer as the ring of dust and smoke settles, a chill creeping up your spine as you see a head of blond hair coming into view.

Dimitri’s gaze upon you hardens as you retain your defensive stance. Although the two of you certainly weren’t close, the thought of having to kill a person he used to be schoolmates with left a bitter feeling in his mouth. “...I have to do this...to stop this senseless killing. I will stop you from taking away another life here and now!” and with this, his resolve hardens and the air around him shifts. You steel yourself as you prepare yourself for the man’s next course of action, taking a deep breath.

His slow strides quickly sped up and he began charging towards you at full speed, his weapon raised up in the air. You were slightly taken aback by the man’s speed and you scrambled to avoid him and made a pathetic attempt to injure him before he reached you but whatever you tried seemed to have no effect on him as he continued to charge towards you.

As a last resort you used up whatever energy you had left in you in an effort to widen the distance between the two of you and it worked, so you thought. Although you managed to put some distance between you and your assailant, it was futile as the prince flung his javelin in the air with surprising speed, aiming for your head.

You didn’t register the javelin flying towards your right eye quickly enough, only noticing it when it was too late. Almost immediately, you feel a blazing hot pain blooming from the right side of your face, spreading all the way down to your neck. A shout rips through your throat as you fight to clutch the right side of your face in favour of clutching onto your weapon as you continue to attack.

You felt dizzy from the amount of blood you were losing and you could feel your consciousness slip away with every movement you willed your body to take. You honestly had no idea how you had the strength to continue swinging your sword and you didn’t know how long you could keep it up.

In a last ditch attempt, you mustered all the strength you had left to shout at the top of your lungs in hopes of attracting the attention of others. As the battle went on, so did the throbbing of your head, screaming at you to lay down and stop moving. Gritting your teeth, you desperately latched onto whatever consciousness you had left.

Just as you were about to take another blow from the prince, you felt a strong wave of magic strike down from where Dimitri was standing. And with this, you felt hope surge through your veins as you looked around the battlefield with urgency. A growl leaves Dimitri’s grit teeth as his eyes land on Hubert.

Hubert, however, didn’t relent in his attacks, not giving the blond a chance to recover from each of his spells. Eventually everyone else gathered to fight against Dimitri and at that point, any resistance the prince put up was futile against the whole army. But still, he continued to fight until the very end. And before you knew it, it was over. The battle has been won and all there's left to do is to put a stop to Rhea and the remaining soldiers of the church.

All the adrenaline from the battle had faded and you had become more faint with each step you took. This did not go unnoticed by Hubert. He hurriedly excused himself from Edelgard’s side, something the ever loyal servant would never do under normal circumstances and walked towards your weakening figure.

“(name)!” Hubert called out to you, worry evident in his panicked voice. The sound of Hubert’s shout brought you out of your daze, making you snap your head towards the source of the voice. You wince at the dizziness your sudden movement brought you and suddenly, your body couldn’t take anymore and your knees buckled from underneath you. The only thing you could hear as your consciousness faded was the sound of hurried footsteps towards your person accompanied by someone’s worried shouts.

When you came to, you were laid on a soft bed with a killer headache, unable to see out of the right side of your eye. In a panic, you sat up from the bed and assessed your surroundings the best you can as your blurry vision slowly clears up. You felt a sharp pain in your head, particularly at the right side as a result of your sudden motion. A pained groan escapes your lips as your hands instinctively shoot up to clutch your head. You feel for your right eye only to feel bandages wrapped around the right side of your head.

You remember now. The javelin, heading straight towards your right eye as you failed to do anything about it. It’s gone now. Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door creaking open slowly, a black shape emerging from it. “You’re awake.” a certain classmate’s voice of yours came out of the blurry figure which you came to recognise as Hubert’s as your vision focused on it and you could properly make out its features. He was carrying a tray which contained a bowl of soup and a glass of water which he placed on the table at the side of the bed.

“...How was your rest?” Hubert asks with a tone you’ve rarely heard from him. Turning your body to face him, you could see that he wore an expression of worry, his brows furrowed and his normally sharp eyes were soft.

You opened your mouth only to close it again. You didn’t know what to say. On one hand, you wanted to lie and say everything was fine but you knew there was no way in hell you could say that. Especially not with how you no longer had two eyes to look through. Hubert knew that and yet he couldn’t do anything but watch as you sat on the bed with a bitter expression.

“I prepared some soup for you. I feel regretful for having to keep it light since you are still in the midst of recovery but rest assured, I will prepare something better once you recover.” Hubert spoke, breaking the tense atmosphere. Gently moving a tray table over your lap, he places the tray of soup on it.

Watching as you simply stared at the food in front of you, Hubert felt a pang of guilt hit his heart seeing your dejected state. He knew all too well of the consequences of war but all this time he thought that it was okay, as long as it was for her lady Edelgard but now, all he wanted to do was end this war as fast as possible, as naive as that sounded. If only he had gotten there more quickly, and then maybe you wouldn’t have to lose an eye. Then maybe you needn’t have suffered.

Clenching his fist tightly, Hubert drops into a curtsey “Get some rest” he couldn’t do anything for you right now but offer you his silent support. And right now, you need time to yourself. As he left the room, Hubert threw you one last glance, his heart tightening at the way you aimlessly played with your food, a blank expression on your face

okay i know this was a bit short but i might make a part 2 on my own time. im not too experienced in writing fight scenes so i feel that the fight scene was a little wonky >< i will try my best to improve so please tell me some of your opinions on it ! any sort of feedback is very much appreciated and i will try my best to take them to heart in order to improve my writing

#hubert von vestra #hubert von vestra x reader #fe3h x reader #fe3h headcanons

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

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Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (16/17)

Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note:

I know I said on tumblr I was planning on ending the story today and apologies for dragging this out longer.

The final chapter is already written out but editing is gonna take me an extra hour or so. Also, this week has been hectic, work especially has been very hectic since I'm covering a job for 3 people now while they hire. I ended up getting a little sick today so I decided to put off a lot of the asks and postings until Sunday.

I could post the final chapter earliest, tomorrow night. Latest, I'll be posting the final chapter is Wednesday. I wanna get it out soon but there are still a lot of stuff I'm hoping to fix up so, apologies for not meeting the expectations.

Thank you so much for reading though. It really means a lot to me.

As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“You can take a seat Hange.” Shela’s voice was gentle. She had taken her time pronouncing every syllable.

Still, something jumped inside Hange as she heard it. She gathered herself together and willed herself to make eye contact. “Sorry about that...I got a little distracted,” she said. She was starting to get a little self conscious. Did she actually jump? Was her tone too jittery? Were her eyes too wide?

The woman in front of her seemed unfazed as if she was watching Hange do something so normal as to just stare at the room in front of her for a long few seconds. Still, Hange avoided her gaze and looked around as she made her way towards the sofa.

Levi had only ever talked about how much of a hassle and how much of a pain the whole process of going to therapy was. Over time, he had started ditching the sessions altogether. Consequently, Hange had expected an atmosphere that would make her feel a little more restrained than what she had felt then.

It turned out just entering the room made her feel the complete opposite of what she had expected.

Shela’s office was more spacious than Hange had imagined it to be. Or more full of life.

Filled with too much life in a way that Hange couldn’t understand. But it seemed to hold more than the average doctor’s office she’d been to. Maybe it was the paintings on the wall or the wooden bookshelf that stood so tall and wide it was an omnipresent in the room.

Either way, it was comfortable and Hange chalked it to the rustic feel of the room. The ambiance was just too strange, the shades of the wallpaper, the rustic carpeted floor was too indulgent of her senses and she could have been taking a little more time than necessary to get to her seat.

It looked like Shela followed suit. By the time Hange had settled on the chair, Shela had still been on her way.

Shela leaned forward from her seat and reached out a hand in greeting. She seemed excited, too excited. “It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you like this, Hange Zoe,” she said.

That excitement in her voice was enough at least to pull Hange’s focus away from the ambiance of the room and towards the woman in front of her. A clear reminder that she was there for a reason.

Or two reasons. Hange corrected herself as she pulled out her file. “Thank you so much for agreeing to go through this with me,” she said. “Since Levi started having sessions with you, we kept in touch so at least we had some history beforehand… And given your background, I thought you might be the best person to give me some extra content on my thesis.”

“For your review of related literature?”

Hange nodded. “It’s not yet done. I did research already on the biological aspect but I thought you might have information on the psychological aspects of it…” She pulled out a folder from her bag and slid the file towards Shela.

Shela was quick to scan through the title. “Looks interesting. What made you pick this topic?”

“Many things...” Hange said. “I thought I would be able to help more people doing this type of thesis. And maybe I can take further studies and---”

“Does this have anything to do with Levi?” . Shela raised one eyebrow at her.

“Oh? Was it obvious?” Hange asked. She deemed it futile to have even denied it then.

Shela started to flip through the pages of the draft a little quicker. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him. He never replied to any of my texts.” She stood up, gesturing for Hange to continue talking as she made her way to the shelf at the back of the room.

“He went home,” Hange said. There was an awkward pause for a few seconds and she felt some inclination to fill it herself. “Back to his hometown,” she added. “He probably wanted to spend his birthday with them, or maybe Christmas. I guess this is a good time for him to go home… He---”

“So Hange, do you wanna talk about Levi? Or would you like to talk about your thesis?” The way Shela said it was far from abrasive.

From her position, Hange couldn’t even tell what face Shela was making. Yet she found herself a little shaken, particularly self conscious she was taking up precious office time. And for a few seconds longer, Hange struggled to find the right words. “There are things I wanted to ask about… Like definitely, I told you I need to discuss the psychological aspect and…”

“Well, from what I’m seeing, this didn’t need a session. I could have emailed you the pdf file of my thesis and just answered if you had any questions.”

Hange only noticed then as Shela walked back to her seat that she had pulled out two binders from one of the bookshelves.

“If you need any more sources for your thesis, you can read through this.” Shela placed the binders on the table and flipped to the last page of the thicker one. “And you can check through my bibliography for any more sources and I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out on your own. Levi told me you were a pretty good researcher growing up…”

Hange felt the blood rush to her face. That only made it harder to grasp for the right words. “When was your last session with Levi?” There were many other things Hange would have wanted to ask then. Her mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.

“A little more than a month ago. A few weeks before your finals. “ Shela answered. She rested her elbows on her lap, her chin on her hands.

“Finals ended more than two weeks ago. I was hoping he talked to you before he left.”

Shela shook her head. “No word from him.” She must have sensed the disappointment in Hange’s face because only a second later, she continued. “But maybe going home would be good for him. He might find someone to talk to there.” Her tone was cold, disconnected and it didn’t look like she believed it herself though.

“I know you would tell him to write, he told me that much about your sessions. But did he ever tell you about his stories?”

“Commander Zoe and Captain Levi?”

Hange nodded. “Oh, he did. You see, I wanted to talk to you about that. But I don’t know either whether or not I should be talking to his therapist about this...But I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“He deleted the file.”

If Shela was shocked, she didn’t show it. The only hint to any emotion in the room had been the short silence that followed. “I suspected he’d do that much,” she said.

“Suspect that much? Did he tell you something? Was there something wrong with his writing? Is he okay?”

Shela shook her head. “ I’m not in a place to tell.”

“Why did he get so attached to his stories? Why did it affect him so much that he couldn’t even accept a death?”

“I’m sorry Hange, I don’t wanna waste your time here so I’ll be upfront with you. What Levi and I talk about here stays between us.”

“I respect that.” Hange expected the answer, still she kept her tone long and drawn. She still found herself clinging to some hope that there was something Shela could share.. “I want to know though… Is this because of the injury? He lost a lot because of that and I know I was somehow involved with it but I just can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. ”

Shela sighed. “You know, I may not be able to tell you what we talked about. But I’m sure you know more about this than I do. You might even be able to contribute more insights to this discussion than I can,” she said. “Tell me Hange, what went on after our last therapy session. Did he really have finals?”

“Yes we did. I was busy too so I didn’t think too much of it then but the weeks leading up to finals are usually more hectic for any student….”

“Would you know if he still continued to write after the finals?”

“He did.”

“You seem sure.”

“He shared the document.” Hange started. She unlocked her phone and opened her drive document. It wouldn’t be there, she was sure of that but she could have saved it and it would have still been there. She forced a smile as her mouth threatened to curl down. Hange was still scolding herself for wasting such an opportunity. She let her phone fall carelessly on the coffee table in front of her and leaned back on the sofa. “So I got to read it.”

“Did Captain Levi really die?” Shela asked.

“No. Commander Hange did.”

“So before he deleted it, Commander Hange died?”

“That was the last chapter I read. Then an hour or so later, I confronted him about it, he asked me to leave me alone, then the next thing I know he deleted the file.” Hange leaned her head back on the backrest and stared up at the ceiling. “But you know, he didn’t want to believe that Hange died. She burned alive, he described it so vividly in his writing but he kept telling me, she didn’t die.

“Oh?”

“If someone burned alive, they should be dead right? Maybe there was a sequel to it that he just didn’t write yet.”

“But if Hange were alive, wouldn’t Levi have seen it through instead of doing something so rash as to delete the whole thing? Levi has a tendency of…”

Running away? Not processing things? Hange looked back at Shela and nodded slowly.

Shela seemed distracted. She was staring at something upward, mumbling to herself as if finding the right words to say. “Trying not to regret things,” she added a few seconds later.

“Regret… I noticed that. With the jumping and the injury but I wanted to ask you, if you think the story is somehow connected to how he’s processing his injury.”

“I have theories but they’re not mine to tell. Have you asked Levi yourself?”

Hange was almost tempted to laugh. That seemed like the only way her body knew how to process the last week alone in the dorm. She had sent three texts, a question about when he had gone home, a birthday greeting and a New Year’s greeting. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” Hange said. She avoided Shela’s gaze. Somehow, her heart was racing then, her blood was rushing to her face much faster than usual and she found herself curling her fists into a ball, finding some semblance of control in them. Was she ashamed that Levi wasn’t talking to her? She shook her head. “But you know, I can try to talk to Levi.”

“What about this… I’ll contact Levi when he comes back. I’ll try to get his side of what’s been happening. Maybe I can even get him to reply.”

“Are you sure you can’t tell me anything now? Maybe even something vague. I can try to figure the rest out for myself,” Hange said. She couldn’t tell then if she had raised her voice.

Shela didn’t seem shaken at all. She shook her head again. “This is between me and my patients.”

Hange had integrity, she understood confidentiality clauses. She had been researching all her life though, and that side of her still continued to fight. Maybe if the hints weren’t all there, poking at her, just provoking, she would have given up much more easily “I just wanna understand it, I wanna understand him. Even if we don’t talk after this. Even if Levi wants to end this, you know I’m fine. I just wanna figure out for myself why he acted that way. I’m worried.”

Shela cocked her head to the side, her expression unchanging. “Believe me, I’m worried too but I can’t say much. Levi’s my patient and whatever we talk about in this room is between us.” She pushed the two binders on the table towards Hange and continued. “But I don’t want to leave you empty handed. I wrote two pieces for my dissertation which you might find useful, something personal and something professional, I can send over a copy of both of them to you over email. Or if you want a hard copy, you could have this photocopied in the library nearby. What do you think works for you?”

The digression had Hange’s lips trembling then. Shela knew things she didn’t for sure and Hange found herself tempted to even curse silently at that confidentiality clause.

She opened the cover to find the title page in black ink, in one of the most readable fonts.

Signs that suggest the reality of reincarnation and its manifestations in patients.

You got what you wanted. Hange thought to herself as she scanned the title page of the document in front of her. It was a cold and professional title. The researcher inside her should have been satisfied. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t ungrateful either. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read it,” she said. It was still help anyway.

Another, much thinner book was pushed next to it.

Musings on a Past Life: Written by Kuchel Ackerman

“This is my own personal copy,” Shela explained. “It’s not something you should be emulating when doing research but… I thought it could give you some insight to your thesis.

“Okay, if I have some extra time, I’ll---”

No actually, let’s make this your little homework. I want you to read both pieces. And if you get a chance to talk to Levi again…”

Shela probably said something after that. At that point though, Hange was somewhere else. She had pulled the thinner document towards her and propped it on her lap, and scanned through it. She only had to read through the first paragraph on one of the final pages to understand why it wouldn’t have passed up as anything academic.

She wasn’t rattling off procedures, scientific speculations or statistical procedures. She was painting pictures of dark streets, cramped streets and a shabby one bedroom alone with a baby. She spoke of soft skin, a baby scent that never faded and illness. She reflected on loss, regret all manifesting in that last face she saw before she fell asleep for the final time.

A teary eyed face. A shaken voice begging at her not to fall asleep. And then nothing.

Maybe there was darkness, darker than the ceiling of the underground, darker than the room that had been hers and her child.

That was left to mercy of Hange’s speculation.

It was only when she was alone in the dorm, two days after, did she reopen it. It had taken her more time than necessary to finish it and maybe it had been because she had ended up rereading whole paragraphs, flipping pages back more times than she could count.

And it was only then, after finishing that personal file did she feel compelled enough to read the official output.

She opened a page, towards an introduction, a foreword or a message. Possibly all of those at once. But it connected so seamlessly to Kuchel’s own musings.

A False Bottom.

All humans feel. Even when they say they don’t, they feel something.

Human psyche is an endless blackhole of emotions, knowledge and experiences….

There are still things psychologists cannot comprehend about the human psyche. All we can do is endeavor to make sense of it…

With this thesis, the researcher proposes that one possible explanation for unpredictable bouts of emotion, out-of-character decisions, the phenomena of irrationality is the phenomena of reincarnation…

Manifestations of our past life.

“And maybe there are emotions that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life.. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it manifests itself.”

And how many times did Hange allow those words to echo inside her as she sifted through page after page. Enough times at least to have her open a blank document.

As she soon found out, it wasn’t easy at all to embrace the blank document. She was completely aware she didn’t have to open the blank document, she had a half filled one already, having started on her own thesis a while back.

But something had willed her to do just that. Something inside her that wanted answers to questions, and it begged for them, clamored for them and Hange was starting to forget who even asked it. She? Or Kuchel?

Musings of a Past Life. Hange had typed out the title days ago already. Maybe it wasn’t easy because it wasn’t her past life to write. It was Levi’s past.

Or so that was what Levi claimed when he wrote it. “Ugh…. What the hell am I doing?” Hange removed her headphones, closed her eyes tight, inhaled then exhaled. “Okay Hange. You wanted to write this thesis for Levi right? You read his whole story. This should be easy.”

She just needed to write enough to remember his story. Enough to at least shoehorn him into her own thesis.

“And after that, you never have to think about him again,” Hange said. She opened her phone again and stared at the last sent message.

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

“I wonder…. Did you talk to Shela?” Hange asked quietly, almost to herself. But Shela would have told her right? But what if Levi told her not to tell? What if he just wanted to cut it off already?

It was an idea Hange didn’t want to entertain just yet. Thesis was looming, graduation was hanging over her head like some sort of dark cloud. She didn’t have time to deal with heartbreak.

So in the wee hours of morning, Hange composed a quick last message to Levi.

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

And the next few actions after that were automatic.

Settings. Profile. Ignore Messages.

She had more important things to think about then. She had to admit, her inbox was starting to look a bit better without that thread she was constantly checking that had a string of messages that had been so pathetically ignored.

That last decision and the last few actions leading up to it had sapped more energy from Hange than she had expected it to. Or maybe it was the dim light of the early morning and the small yet strong light of her lamp that had her realizing how exhausted she had been then.

She switched off the lamp and fell back on the bed. The impact had shaken her to the bone and Hange found herself sinking into the mattress. She was happy to let it swallow her then.

The night was surprisingly bright. Yet, at the same time it had been a dark night, she was sure. She traced the sources of the light on the ceiling above. The light painted triangles, squares and straight cut angles. There were spots from other sources, maybe where the moon bounced on some glass objects.

Hange was too exhausted to sit up to see those refractions for herself.

She may have been too exhausted then to type in front of a computer or even sit up in bed so instead, she continued to count spots, trace the dim weak rays in the ceiling of her room, as she traced them back to the wide window, all the way to the point where she would have to crane her head to see what lay beyond. She soon realized, she still wasn’t tired enough to doze off.

The gears in her brain continued to turn. And they had only started to turn faster with all the intricate patterns the moonlight had created as it shone through the wide window of her dormitory room.

Should she close the curtains so she could get a good night's sleep? That question only occupied her for a second or so before she thought of something else.

And maybe there are sensations that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it breaks open.

But if these emotions transcended worldly experiences, if they transcended life, then they should be unfathomable, not worth the effort of understanding.

Hange though, had been a researcher for as long as she could remember. She had mottos. She had habits. She had unshakable ways of thinking.

Turning to her side was easy. It was a quick, comfortable movement and maybe she had done it to sleep better. Or maybe she had done it to just get a better angle of the stream of moonlight that entered through the window.

Her desk sat on a familiar angle. Her laptop was open but turned off. Her bag slung over the chair.

The stream from the moonlight shone over her canvas bag and down to the floor. It created a web of intricate patterns, patterns that had Hange hypnotized at that moment. They were angular yet they were round and it would have taken hours for Hange to trace them in her exhausted state.

Yet they were hypnotizing enough for her not to want to look away. So in an effort to keep up with the challenge the moonlight had given her at that moment, she continued to reflect as she traced at it with her eyes.

False bottoms. Sensations that transcend worldly experiences, Emotions that transcend the constraints of time and space.

“But if they are things that transcend human comprehension, then how do we make sense of them?”

Ironically, it had been in the most intricate of patterns that Hange saw the answer. It had been in something so mundane that Hange had to blink twice and question it for a second longer.

“Dreams?” Hange asked, barely a whisper.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

She didn’t understand Levi’s dreams. She didn’t understand how his mind worked. She didn’t understand the stories he had written out.

There were things she didn’t understand for sure but there were things she remembered.

And maybe all she needed to understand something, was the right amount of hints, the right amount of crumbs to make sense of it herself. Maybe all she needed was the review of related literature, the observations and her own analysis to write a conclusion.

The dreamcatcher hung aimlessly from her canvas bag like it always did. It had been something almost unnoticeable before. Only in the night when the moon shined on it, when it had etched a large shadow on the floor, possibly even a hundred times larger than the small keychain in her bag did Hange think about it again.

And she thought about it hard enough to reach for it from the side off her bed. She stretched her hand farther and farther and in the dark, her sense of distance may have been a little worse.

She thought she had been almost there and she was pulled back into that cruel reality in a single moment, with a loud painful thud.

“Ow!” Hange quickly got up, a result of that adrenaline rush from the harrowing experience of a painful fall from her bed. She unfastened the dream catcher from her bag, on the way back to the bed, she grabbed her phone, her earphones and sat on her bed.

That time, she eased herself onto the bed and under the covers.

She held the dreamcatcher above her, tracing the purple, the green. She knew they were purple and green but under the moonlight they seemed almost blue, and maybe she could have even mistaken the purple and green for one another.

Her only hint to the shades after all were the way they reflected the moonlight on themselves.

Eventually, her arms got tired, still aching from that painful fall. She slipped the dream catcher under her pillow and turned on her side. She put one earphone on her left ear, another on her right and she turned on her phone and shuffled her music.

The dormitory was silent with everyone gone for the holidays.

Eerily silent. She was used to living alone, it wasn’t anything new. But recently, she had frequently found herself missing him, maybe missing her parents, she started to realize the silence, the isolation that came with it was almost unbearable.

So maybe she had been listening to music, maybe she had been talking to herself a little more.

And those dreams, they probably would help. Hange thought to herself as she set her phone to her side, a good distance from the edge of the bed.

She had dreamt enough to know, she couldn’t control dreams. But if they did come, they would come in hints, puzzle pieces and maybe something she could easily write down in the morning.

So she willed them to come in that silent night. She whispered to Commander Zoe. She pressed that dream catcher one more time.

Hange closed her eyes, adjusted the volume of the music and evened her breathing.

The dreams would choose when to come, if they chose to come at all. All she could do was trust in them.

***

Levi would have liked to blame the snow for his inability to concentrate.

It was fucking loud. The patter came too randomly, Levi struggled to find patterns in it. For a few seconds at a time, the snow would patter on the window in big loud waves. Other times, the snow came in plip plops reminiscent of a rainy spring day. A few times, it shifted to something slow and gentle Levi could have used it to lull himself to sleep.

It was a piece of music on rubato, and the musician was just a little too keen on leaving his audience unhinged.

And just that quick thought at least absolved Levi of any blame. He didn’t feel too much self loathing then. Just utter frustration and maybe a pinch of sadness.

The document in front of him was just a mish mash black words on white paper and for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine they could be anything else. The top section was descriptive, very descriptive that he should have been able to do so much as to smell the whore house. He should have been able to grieve the loss of a mother.

But it was just black on white.

So Levi scrolled down three pages to find a source of investment elsewhere. He found vivid descriptions of life on a wheelchair, a frequented grave but for the life of him, he couldn’t even imagine the large tree above, or the vivid descriptions of airplanes on the blue sky.

But it was just words on paper.

“What do you think?” Hange asked. She looked at him expectantly. “It’s not a lot… I’ve just been working on this in between my thesis and I don’t have much going for me but my own memories… But I rewrote some bullet points while I was trying to remember it and I just thought you know if I put my own writings in between what you have so far...maybe it could help you process it.”

“Process... it?”

“But if you don’t wanna think about it, it’s fine.”

Remember? Levi wanted to remember. Those weren’t black pixels on white pixels, conveniently strung together to make symbols. They were vivid descriptions of another world, another life for sure. But why couldn’t he bring himself to invest in it… Anymore?

“Maybe I just need a break,” Levi set aside the laptop on the side table and leaned back on the bed.

“You’re tired, injured. You could even get sick,” Hange said. “I don’t expect you to think too much of it, I just thought it would help pass the time.” She looked away guiltily.

“I’m not angry about you forcing me to get my knee checked again. Jumping in the dead of winter with a sprained knee was a stupid move.”

“I know it was. But I also know you’re probably tired of hospitals already.”

“I am tired of hospitals. But you were right. When they tested my knee, it didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure I tore something again.”

“It was swelling… And I knew we could have just iced it but, you know you jumped pretty high, you ran pretty fast, it’s kinda scary you did that with your knee... In the middle of winter of all times of the year? God---Levi, What were you thinking? Armin told me he’d stop by the field to pick up Mikasa’s things so you know if I didn’t go out to meet him just in case he got lost, I probably wouldn’t have made it. At least Armin had half the mind to text me when you wouldn’t listen to him…” Hange trailed off. “But I wish I had arrived earlier, maybe I could have stopped you.”

“You wouldn’t have convinced me not to jump,” Levi said.

“Why do you say that?”

“No one would have convinced me. I was dead set on jumping that one last time.”

“Why did you wanna jump?”

“Closure.” It was a simple answer to a simple question. But as Levi enunciated each syllable, he became a little self conscious about how pretentiously short that answer had been. It was closure, he was sure but there were layers to that answer he couldn’t comprehend for himself in that moment.

Hange seemed to sense it too. She narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth ready to speak before she closed it again and let her eyes fall on the hospital bed. “Couldn’t you find closure elsewhere? Did you have to risk your knee for it?”

“What do you know? ” Levi ran his eyes over his thighs and up to his knee propped on a few pillows. He started to feel the beginnings of guilt a second later. His intention never was to offend.

What do you know? That question had been for him.

You didn’t live your whole college life jumping only to end up in a state where you can barely walk. Was that what Hange heard? Maybe. She looked like she did. After all, she was blushing then. As if she had been aware of that slight vulnerability, she bit her lip, looked away and stretched out over the side of the bed to get back her laptop.

Levi felt obligated to reassure her. “You know I don’t intend to jump again. I wish I could. But I think that last jump helped me accept that that part of my life is over.”

“So, what next?” Hange asked. “Erwin mentioned you could get surgery to fix the partial tear.”

Levi shook his head. “And skip more school then hope I can jump again? The surgery isn't necessary. The knee can heal on its own.”

“But what about other---”

“Jumping opportunities? Other athletic opportunities? I said, that part of my life is over.”

“You had a lot of talent you know.”

“You’re not the first person to say that.”

Hange managed a smile, a smile that was far from happy. But at the least, it could be contagious. “Then it was an honor to see you fly that one last time Captain Levi.”

Levi could have sworn he saw something glisten as she crinkled her eyes, a supplement to her wry smile. “I was never the captain of my team. You know that,” he said.

“That wasn’t what I meant---” Hange had been meaning to finish, or at least she looked like it. The knock on the door though had been loud and it tore through that soft conversation.

Hange stood up from her seat and opened the door slowly.

“Erwin told me you too would be here. I finished up early today so I thought I’d pop in.”

Levi nodded in greeting. He had been too ashamed to say anything else. But he was determined at least to show some respect.

“It looks like you two are talking again. Doctor Erwin told me what happened and I thought…” The moment Kuchel made eye contact with Levi, her eyes widened. “Levi… You…”

Levi found himself particularly self conscious then, he looked down at his thick sweater, at his knee. “I sprained my knee again.”

Kuchel was quick to recover. “I noticed that much,” she said. “I was talking about…” She gave him a long awkward onceover. She shook her head.

She wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable then. Hange hadn’t looked back at him since Kuchel had entered the room. Her whole disposition had somehow changed in that few seconds.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

Hange didn’t answer. She booted her laptop again and angled it towards Kuchel who had approached them and set a chair next to his bed.

“It looks like you managed to let go already Captain Levi.” Kuchel said, as she cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Captain Levi. The words whispered once again inside him, too softly Levi found it easy to brush it away. “You know, you were right. The emotions would leave on their own. It still hurts but I don’t see any reason to fight it if I know it’s gonna heal eventually. That’s how closure is supposed to feel like right?”

Shela shook her head. “Closure manifests differently for each person. But it’s normal to forget when you accept. Sometimes we find ourselves forgetting why we were ever sad at all. Or sometimes we just forget the details. Or sometimes it just feels like everything was all just a bad dream.”

“These past few months since the injury, they’re starting to blur together like some dream.” He turned to Hange who was starting to seem more and more uncomfortable. He chose that moment to reflects and he started to wonder why he had even avoided her in the first place. His next few words came out automatically “ I’m sorry what I did, and about our fight last month, I wasn’t angry about the injury if that’s what you think,” Levi said. The apology came out of nowhere, it felt misplaced. He started realize that maybe he should have given that apology much earlier.

Why then?

Hange had heard the apology for sure, but maybe she had just chosen to ignore it. “But Levi, you wrote these right? These dreams?” Hange said, as if she had taken his stare then as some cue to speak. She turned to Kuchel and to Levi, her movements seemed desperate then. She had at least kept some composure in her expression.

“I wrote them out,” Levi said. “But to be honest... I’m starting to forget why I did.”

"Emotions and dreams fickle things. They come and go when they please but sometimes we wanna keep them on record so we could relive it and process it. That’s why if you wanna grasp it and preserve it before it leaves... If you wanna be able to relive it, you have to write it down. This is why I ask all my patients to write things out. "

"Levi did." Hange turned to Levi. You wrote everything down right? You showed me a while ago, you wrote this and this… Shela, if they were his dreams, his emotions...he was writing it"

Shela’s expression was unmoving. "Those dreams weren’t supposed to be his. Maybe that's why they had been just a little more fickle. Who knows? Maybe Captain Levi just took it back already.”

“Why take it back?” Hange asked

“Maybe he fulfilled his unfinished business. Maybe he found closure.”

“But Levi you should have remembered writing it? You’ve been on it for months. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten these last three months right?”

“I haven’t,” Levi said reassuringly.

“Then why aren’t you thinking about it anymore. Why am I the one thinking about it for you?” Hange pressed. There was a crack in her voice and Hange looked ready to slam her laptop on the floor.

“I remember writing it. I’m just wondering for myself why I wrote it out in the first place. Maybe because I didn’t have much to do. I got injured, I was stuck at home and you know, those days in your apartment, those days stuck in the dorm, they just blended together.”

“But you weren’t just indoors… We went out to the mountains. You were telling me these stories and you were telling me how Commander Hange was like. Levi, I felt things. I remembered all of it. You can’t just leave me hanging like this---”

Shela cleared her throat, uncharacteristically louder than usual. “You know, you seem more relaxed now. How does it feel Levi? Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Like you walk up from a bad dream?"

Levi nodded. "I'm just wondering why I'm exhausted."

“Of course you’re exhausted, you jumped while injured in the middle of winter. But relaxed is still a different feeling altogether, particularly compared to you the past few months. When I look at you now, you seem… freer?”

Freer? Levi shrugged. When had he ever been trapped?

For a while the room had been silent and it was Hange who broke it. "Levi, I wrote everything out, about what happened to Captain Levi in the survey corps. You may have deleted the file but I remembered them. These were your stories. These were the dreams you had. Hell, if Kuchel’s theory is correct, these are memories from your past life."

To humor Hange more than anything, Levi reread the bullet points and the effort quickly proved futile. They were bullet points of events, they could have been a timeline that Levi couldn’t for the life of him make sense of it. And he found himself a little annoyed at her tenacity.

“You still have a lot to write Hange, even I can’t make sense of it,” Kuchel said from behind. She gave Hange a reassuring pat.

The pout on Hange’s face, the way it had darkened into something similar to disappointment, had Levi almost guilty. Her emotions ran deeper than disappointment, he was sure. And for a second or so, Hange seemed crestfallen, ready to leave the room. The only thing tying her to the room then could have been her own strong penchant for seeking answers,

“You think you’ll be able to write again?” Hange asked. She looked like she could have said more. It was as if squeezing out that one sentence had sapped all energy out of her.

Levi shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

“When?”

“When the inspiration comes again.”

***

When will the inspiration come again? Hange always asked good questions and if she asked a question that couldn’t be answered, she always had an explanation to follow. Or at the least, she knew how to phrase questions in a way that could get answers.

Levi couldn’t answer and Hange wasn't helping him either. The tense silence that followed, loomed exclusively over the two of them. Although the conversation had shifted to a dialogue between Levi and Kuchel, even when Hange had kept quiet, pulling her focus back on her laptop in front of her, or her phone, the tension never left.

Levi had attempted to cut at it by focusing on Kuchel. He had provided a long drawn out explanation of his own emotions for Kuchel and in return, Kuchel had provided a long drawn out interpretation of his explanations.

Maybe drawing the conversation out longer than expected was unnecessary. In the end, the only take home Levi had for himself then was that the past few months were a blur and any effort to make sense of it would be completely futile.

Kuchel left them both in the silence, mentioning something about another meeting. Alone in the room, in the tense silence continued to haunt. It was Hange who spoke up again asking that same question. “When will inspiration come again?”

“You sound pretty fixated on my inspiration. Maybe you should write the end for yourself then.” The sudden acceptance had Levi relaxing on the bed soon after Kuchel had left the room.

“It’s not about writing… This story in particular, it meant a lot to me too.”

“I’m sure it meant a lot. It meant a lot to me too but weirdly, I just don’t care about it as much as I used to.”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean ‘about us?’”

“About us… The past few things you were writing the story and you were talking about Commander Hange and Captain Levi. That was about us right?”

“You heard my answer to Kuchel, it was a blur.”

“No, I meant about us in the past few months. Are you angry with me? Do you want me out of your life?”

“You wanna leave?.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…” Hange breathed out, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Levi looked away, hiding the wince in his face. “I told you, I’m sorry I don’t even remember why I did it.”

“So do you want me here?”

“Yes, I don't want you to leave, I thought it was obvious.”

“Well it looks like it wasn’t so obvious, I thought you’d want me to leave. You didn’t reply to any of my messages and I remembered, we’ve only known each other for months.”

“I think 'months' are more than enough for me to realize that I want you here. For a long time. Maybe longer than that.” Maybe even forever.

Did he say that ‘forever’ part out loud? He didn’t expect Hange’s smile then.

Her eyes were wide open, her lips curled up into a big smile. The overall expression on her face had seemed unreadable. She could have been mocking him, she could have been freaked out or she could have been that good balance between surprised and happy “So what are you saying? We’re soulmates?” She asked.

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Levi said. The facade of disconnect was hurriedly done, consequently, it felt almost shoddy.

“Fate?”

“You told me yourself, you don’t believe in fate either.

“I don’t.”

“It was a choice right? Everything that brought us to this point was all just borne of choice. You made the choice to work for me, I made the choice to cooperate and here we are.” Levi felt a hand slip under his and it grabbed him from underneath. Levi didn’t have to look down to comprehend it, Hange’s face had said it all.

“But you know, I’m starting to believe in this abstract thing called soulmates. And this other abstract thing called fate,” she said

“Aren’t you a researcher?”

“I have the evidence, Levi. Someone has been coming into my dreams too and she’s been telling me about you.”

“You know, they must have been some really good dreams if they convinced you to believe in them.

“They were. They really were. And you know what, they only keep coming.”

Levi had closed his eyes long before then. And the patter on the window had mellowed to something rhythmic and along the way it had softened altogether. Whether it had been due to the even patter or through her own volition, Hange had stopped talking, her breath had evened out.

And when Levi started to dream again, the shift had been too gradual, too kind. The dreams weren’t loud, they didn't demand attention. They didn’t make themselves known. When Levi opened his eyes again, the idea that he had fallen asleep had seemed almost surreal, unbelievable.

“You can go back to sleep,” Hange said. She seemed focused on something on her laptop again.

Levi looked out the window, the sky was dark but the snow continued to fall.

“Erwin told us we could stay another night.”

“Why?”

“We’re completely snowed in.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He had attempted to go back to sleep and it had only proved frustratingly unsuccessful. The confusion at having the view by the window so suddenly shift from sky blue to complete black still had him disoriented.

So he found orientation in Hange’s concentrated look then and the white of the screen reflected in her glasses. Even behind the glare, her long lashes were noticeable, her hazel brown eyes could still be traced, the shades of brown discerned. So he continued to looked, and he had managed to pass the time much more quickly.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked as she looked up at him. The glare of the screen disappeared from her glasses and Levi found himself unable to respond for a second longer as he appreciated the unmarred view of her eyes then.

It was a lucid view of her then that sent a pang of regret through him. It was quick and if Levi didn’t let it wash through him then, if he didn’t give it full control over him in that moment, maybe he would have never remembered it happened, maybe he would have never remembered to appreciate Hange then.

“I feel like I just had one long dream,” Levi said. maybe the dreams could have explained the slight pang of regret then. But they were too far off already for Levi to look back on. So he surrendered quickly and kept silent.

Hange didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation. “I was writing.”

“About what?”

“About your dreams. I'm trying to remember what else you wrote.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t think you ever gave names to the two titans you caught for me."

Titans? Levi couldn't follow the conversation. With nothing else much to contribute, he nodded.

Hange continued. “So I named them myself.”

“What did you name them?” Levi asked, an attempt to humor her more than anything.

Hange’s face had curled to a smile as she spoke and she opened her mouth a little bit, exposing her teeth underneath. She seemed to be enjoying it. “Their names are Sonny and Bean"

Somehow, Levi was starting to get invested too. “Hey Hange, since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, maybe you can tell me what a titan is.”

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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moonbeamsung · 3 years

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hey! this has been getting popular recently, so pair your moots with an nct fic trope or/and ship them with nct?? i love your works too!! can't wait for the next one :)) heh

(anon, i’m so sorry this took so long! thanks for your patience! this also kinda turned into association instead of ships but i also base ships on similarities? so it works out hehe)

🎄dear moots: think of these ships/mini fics as a small christmas/holiday/end of the year gift from me to you! i sincerely hope you like them, it’s not much but it’s the least i can do to express my gratitude for all the love and happiness you’ve made me feel this year, even if we’ve just recently met! i’m so thankful for all of you and i love you very much!🎄

hi lovely anon!! <3 omg you love my works? that means so much to me, i hope you’re having a wonderful day!! thank you so much for sending me this, i had been hoping to do something like it for a while🥺

for my closer moots, i’m gonna combine these, so i’ll outline a fic trope/idea and the pairing will be who i ship you with! hopefully this won’t become an essay lol. warning: it does

i don’t want to leave anyone out, so for those of you that i’m not quite as close with or have met more recently, i’ll just give you a ship! i hope that’s okay🥺and if i’m still forgetting someone then i’m really really sorry, please let me know and i’ll make sure to add you next time!

read more cut because this is a looooot. open at your own risk and prepare for many many MANY blocks of text... also these are in alphabetical order by url!!

——ships + fics——

@astroboy-lele: a best friends to lovers au with chenle, no doubt about it. furou is one of my closest friends on here and our conversations are almost always chaotic, but when they aren’t, they’re full of love and appreciation for each other because she deserves it! major chenle vibes, they’re both so adorable too. her humor is great, all the jokes we have together make me absolutely wheeze oml. i really don’t know what i would do without her kindness sometimes, when i want to give up at something she’s so quick to reassure me. furou, thanks for encouraging me and for always being such a strong source of happiness🥺also, i hope you never doubt your amazing talents because they are a gift to this world!! but enough with the super deep stuff because this is way too long, so the plot would go something like this: you met one day when you heard him practicing piano in the band room by himself. you’re both shy at first so it’s a blush fest when he notices you’ve been listening to him play the whole time, but one not-so-awkward introduction later, you realize you have some things in common and that you share a class or two. you come over for study sessions & work together on partner projects, conversations lighthearted and full of endless laughter. in addition, you also show your support for each other’s talents and dreams, with him attending your dance performances and clapping louder than anyone else in the audience, and you attending his recitals, heart swelling with more pride and appreciation than you thought was possible. any time that you spend together usually ends with you asleep on his chest while he taps away at a piano app on his phone because he knows it calms you down, humming softly by your ear. as the sunlight streams in from his window and illuminates your face, he takes one look at you and decides that you’ve become so much more than just a best friend to him after everything you’ve been through together in such a short time. but will he ever find the courage to tell you how he feels?

@danishmiilk: i can’t really explain it, but i just picture late nights walking through city streets in a strangers to lovers au with doyoung by your side. xing-yi has a lot of love to give to others and so much to offer the writing community, and also she’s somewhat of a social butterfly, at least i think so! it makes me so happy seeing her interact with her moots and she always looks out for others! i also imagine that she has a cute bunny smile but also maybe not HAHA anyway i just love xing-yi a lot. here’s the fic: doyoung, the one who always seems to know everything, is forced to ask for directions in a foreign city. shamefully standing on the sidewalk, he stops you mid-step with a small hand gesture, because even though he doesn’t know you at all, you look like you probably won’t walk away or dismiss his questions with a shrug. being as friendly and willing to help as you are, you oblige. with an embarrassed scratch to the back of his neck, he admits that he might forget the sequence of lefts and rights you had given him, but you’re unfazed and simply offer to walk him there yourself, since it isn’t terribly far anyway. doyoung, lightly flustered since he’s not quite sure how to thank you for your trouble and feeling bad for taking the time out of your day, fumbles with asking for your number. he’s cute, you think, and before you part you insist on showing him around the city some more before he leaves, glancing at the sheepish but smitten man over your shoulder with a smile as you turn to walk back home, leaving him eager to see you again.

@daybreakx: my first thought was a hogwarts au with kun! ale’s talent in writing is a beautiful hidden gem on this site, and she truly deserves so much more recognition for it. i’m so grateful for how kind she is and i want the best for her and her work always! also, the love letter network that she created to help more writers receive love, feedback, and appreciation from readers is such a generous and selfless thing to do, it shows that she has such a caring heart! all of these qualities make me think of kun, and i chose a hogwarts au because i think she just writes those especially well and hers are some of my favorites! so for the fic: the fates are definitely not on your side today, because all the friends you made on the train ride to the castle have been sorted into different houses than you, not to mention you have almost no classes with any of them. at the same time, you seem to have every class with this one boy, kun. he’s in hufflepuff, the same house as you, and because you’re always paired up as seatmates, you find yourself warming up to him throughout the year. conversations become easier during projects, you start to have study sessions in the common room when exams come around, and as first-year students, you both love experiencing all the new and exciting things that the school and the magical world has to offer together. now, you couldn’t be happier that you were sorted into hufflepuff, because otherwise you might not have become friends (and maybe more..) with him!

@donkey-hyuck: vy is way more hilarious and talented than others give her credit for, and not to mention the way everyone adores her for always being so loving and showering them with her affection and support😭i’m thinking of a sci-fi au with jeno! she’s just so hardworking with her writing and on her collabs, & i think she’s strong-willed because she always pursues her goals no matter what! she has such a bright personality and also, like jeno’s her smile is just the CUTEST thing ever!!!! i will never be over it istg🥺fic: in a world full of new technology and controlled by a government unwilling to remember the past and all its traditions, a band of rebels come together and take it upon themselves to go back in time and discover what their reality used to look like long ago. one fateful day on their quest to uncover the mystery of the past, they stumble upon you, unaware of their cause but eager to join them. you take after one of the boys particularly well, lee jeno. though he’s assigned the role of warrior, he’s well-rounded and could easily succeed at any task the group may need him to complete. extremely passionate about the group’s goal, the two of you share a dedication that only brings you closer with time, working together and just being complete badasses. when you aren’t navigating through streets full of neon signs and angular buildings, you fall into the rhythm of a relationship. though you may not know much about each other’s pasts yet, one thing’s for sure: you can definitely see a future with one another.

@fairvtale: a soulmate au with jisung! i mean, keia is just the peak of cuteness, love, positivity, and everything sweet and nice!! how could i not ship her with the adorable park jisung himself😭she’s so full of compassion for everyone she meets and is so loved and appreciated for not only her great personality but also her talents! now, in this soulmate universe, you and your soulmate share the same preferences! so when you hear someone standing in line ahead of you at the ice cream shop order your favorite flavor, your heart skips a beat. of course, it’s not the first time it’s happened, but something feels different today. when you see who the voice belongs to, you just know that the tall but also shy boy is meant for you, and being brave, you approach the small two-person table he sits down at, making small talk until you both realize that you have a little too much in common for it to be a coincidence... :D <3

@ferie-anon: i’m picturing a bookstore au with shopkeeper!taeil, you just give off really insightful but also curious vibes!! both you and taeil make me think of wisdom(especially with your astrology knowledge! it amazes me so much omg), and also, you both have hearts of gold🥺💝fic: a new book shop opens up in your town, and eager to find a new story to dive into, you enter one day to find taeil behind the counter with a smile on his face that’s so bright you don’t even notice his smaller but adorable stature. he guides you, his first customer, through the rows of books to find one that interests you. since the store has multiple copies, he finds himself reading the same ones that you buy not only to enjoy them for himself, but also because it allows him to discuss them with you when you come in the next time, eager to hear each other’s thoughts and knowledge. your equal love for learning and discovery makes you a perfect match!

@flirtyhyuck: kitty is a literal ray of sunshine into my life, so who else would i ship him with than haechan? (i know i once said jaemin but shh) he is so encouraging, always makes me smile and my heart burst, i’m really thankful for all the times he checks in on me and i just feel very loved talking to him. he deserves all the love in the world, really and truly. for the au, maybe a strangers to lovers with barista!haechan! your favorite cafe has a new worker that’s attracting all the attention lately. haechan makes the funniest jokes and comments at the register, and everyone asks for him to ring them up just so they can laugh at his sarcasm. but he’s also so attentive to each and every customer, making sure the order is nothing short of perfect and exactly what they wanted. you always sit at one of the bar-style seats as you enjoy your favorite drink, legs dangling from the elevated chair as you watch him bustle about behind the cashier station and among the machines & supplies. one day it’s closing time, he’s cleaning up for the night but he lets you stay a few more minutes, something he wouldn’t do for anyone else. leaning over the marble countertop that your cup rests on, he swipes a fingertip through the whipped cream on top of your drink and lightly taps your nose with it, making you giggle endearingly at the ticklish sensation and giving him the courage to ask you out. with a smile, you agree. ‘sure, but let’s go somewhere other than a coffee shop, please.’

@fruityutas: emily (pt 1 HAHA) seriously cracks me up SO MUCH, not to mention she has one the best laughs i’ve heard and it’s super lovable haha. i don’t know what else to call it but i’d give her a wedding date(?) au with hendery! even when i didn’t know her very well and we had just recently met she was super friendly and inviting. for some reason i feel like hendery would also play the sims lol, anyway! onto the fic: when given the opportunity to bring a ‘plus one’ to a friend’s special day, your other friend hendery swoops in with an arm around your shoulder as you reread the invitation out loud, wondering who to ask. not so subtly, he offers to accompany you, and not wanting to be the only one without a guest, you agree to his proposal (no pun intended). dressed in your best formalwear and with stiffly linked arms, you navigate through the ceremony, only loosening up a bit at the reception. hendery is determined to make you smile with his exaggerated dancing, twirling you and making you more than glad you brought him along. you do get a few comments from other guests on what a ‘cute couple’ you are, leading you both to exchange glances before bursting into laughter. it starts to become less and less implausible, though. you catch hendery’s eye right after you find the bride’s flower bouquet in your grasp, suddenly realizing there could be more between you than you realized...

@jenojam: i was totally not influenced by your preschool series at all haha, but a preschool au with teacher!kun comes to mind! vina is always there for me, she’s so caring and attentive to everything i tell her!! i get mom friend vibes i guess, she’s just so sweet and i feel super loved and cared for whenever we interact, i’m really grateful for her endless support🥺for the fic, kun is a coworker of yours at the preschool you teach at. you both have such a strong passion for teaching and it helps you bond, leading to many days spent side-by-side, fondly watching your students play with their friends at recess or do activities and play games in class. even the small children in your class can see how much wider you smile when you’re in the same room. with the sweetest and most innocent of intentions, shenanigans ensue of your well-meaning but slightly mischievous students trying to get kun to confess to you, whether it be by writing a message in sidewalk chalk or making a bracelet out of craft beads for him to give you.

@jisungsmochi: hm, i’m thinking...a high school/college au with theatre kid!xiaojun🥺i ship nat with xiaojun because she’s just the sweetest, she has a hidden chaotic side (imo lol) and just a great sense of humor as well! she’s so fun to talk to and you can’t help but love her🥺picture this: you’re both in english class together, and one day there’s a mix-up. he accidentally grabs your essay and you end up with his script for the school musical. you have no choice but to go to one of his rehearsals to swap them back, but as you’re standing in the doorway, you’re captivated by his performance! little do you know, he’s absolutely in awe of your writing, even in a simple literature paper. your admiration for each other’s talents leads to you sitting in the back of the theater doing your homework every day after school, listening to his voice ring out across the large room, and he gets a confidence boost knowing you’re there watching him act, dance, and sing. he always winks at you from onstage and you’re beyond starstruck every time, your english paper quickly becoming forgotten as soon as he meets your eyes with a charming smile.

@lebrookestore: well, a royal au with prince!/childhood friend!taeyong comes to mind. brooke is a lot like taeyong because she’s so considerate and generous but also can be very professional and calm when she needs to be! (i think i told you already but you have this ~duality~ in a way, like ty haha.) so..you both grow up in the castle, scampering away from the staff in the large hallways and just enjoying the excitement of life. one day when you’re a bit older, you come across a stranger in the forest as you’re exploring. they turn out to be from the next kingdom over, but something about them is familiar: you’re sure you’ve seen a ‘wanted’ poster with their face plastered on it. you manage to warn taeyong in his ear before you hear the stranger’s footsteps speed up, and you both start sprinting as fast as possible. quickly working together since you know each other so well, you devise a plan to get them caught in a tangle of vines you remember seeing on your way into the forest, so you can bring back reinforcements to arrest the dangerous criminal. it works, but instead of turning to give taeyong a high five in celebration, he’s already in front of you and thanking you for your quick thinking with a hug, suddenly realizing that how much he loves you after seeing your brave and clever side emerge, just two of the many traits that made you win his heart.

@navyhyuck: vee’s name has basically become synonymous with happiness at this point, hearing from her in my inbox/messages or seeing a post/work of hers on my dash is so comforting and makes me smile more than she knows. since she’s the epitome of sweetness, i’ll say a bakery au with jaemin! i really appreciate knowing someone like her, and the encouragement she gives me is so heartwarming🥺the way she sends asks in the mornings makes me feel so ridiculously loved and at ease, her presence in itself is a gift to this site. tumblr really doesn’t deserve her!! i’m so happy that we’ve grown close and i don’t know what i would do without her and her kindness in my life. fic: you sign up for a baking class at a quaint, local pastry shop to learn how to make desserts and treats, since baking was a hobby you had enjoyed as a child with your family and now you hoped to learn how to do it on your own. little did you know that your instructor would be even more saccharine than the sugary treats you were making. his flirtatious nature leads to many mishaps in the kitchen as you get distracted while trying to follow along with the simple directions, instead making a mess of the icing and sprinkles and nearly confusing the measurements of ingredients. he finds it adorable, though, and towards the end of the session he sneaks a bite of one of the french macarons you put together, a bright smile lighting up his features as he compliments you on it. he teases you by reminding you to pay more attention next time, and with a comeback so quick that even you’re surprised, you take him up on that offer, implying that you’d be back for another class soon. “good. we’re making crème brûlée next week,” he informs with a wink as you both part ways. boy, was he sweeter than sugar.

@orange-nimon-cross: yunha deserves someone who knows the true her and has always been by her side, so i’d say a neighbor/boy next door au with winwin/sicheng. her personality is unique and complex like sicheng’s, and like him i also admire her for lots of reasons, such as her honesty and the pride she takes in writing as well as her passion for it in general. she’s very sweet, so supportive whenever i need it, and deserves so much more recognition for her beautiful work!!💕fic: your neighborhood holds a classic and oh-so-cliche summer block party every year, the smell of smoke and sounds of laughter moving through the air and into your open window. when a bad day gets you down and you hesitate to join in the festivities, sicheng is the only one who can get through to you, not forcing you to talk about anything and just sitting beside you on your bed in silence, which seems to be the most comforting thing anyone can do at the moment. when you tell him you’re ready(which he asks you to confirm many times, because that’s just how much he cares about you and wants you to be fully comfortable and okay), he takes your hand and leads you outside and onto the burning asphalt of the street with other friends and families, the blissful feeling of summer putting you at ease and the gentle evening breeze carrying away your cares with it. and like a springtime flower, although one season late, your relationship begins to blossom into one full of even more love and consideration for each other than it was before.

@radiorenjun: a doctor au with renjun! angie is slightly (okay, very) chaotic but also very lovable!! i don’t know if she’s an aries but she gives off serious aries energy. she’s confident and optimistic and really approachable! i’m so happy she reached out to me one day and we became friends from there🥺in the fic, renjun is a resident at your hospital studying under you and learning the ropes of being a doctor. when you first met each other, you actually mistook him for a coworker with how professional he seemed, but the confusion made a small, adorable blush rise to his cheeks. shy and timid at first, he takes notes and helps you do your job without complaint. when you offer part of your routine to him, he gratefully accepts and does the task perfectly, growing more comfortable in his position and relationship with you as he receives more opportunities to show his skill. sharing stories and experiences from medical school on your lunch breaks and smiling when you finish each other’s sentences about patients and their prescribed care, you realize that you’ve fallen for the soon-to-be doctor, and that no stethoscope could possibly measure the beating of your heart around him.

@rouiyan: so you know how you said you were excited for my wip that’s a strangers to lovers au with animal shelter worker!jeno? that’s what this is(loosely anyway)!!🥺ree reminds me of jeno in the fact that she’s such a sweetheart in every interaction with anyone, it feels like you’ve been her friend for ages! and then you look at her writing that’s just so damn good and sophisticated and i’m always so amazed with everything she puts out, just like how jeno’s talents amaze me as well! now for the fic: your beloved dog runs off in the park, but luckily a boy walking nearby lunges for the leash as it drags behind the animal. you thank him repeatedly, and he explains that the little puppy might have tried to leave your grasp only because she wants to make a new friend. the park is full of other dogs, after all. he mentions that he works at the shelter nearby and suggests that maybe you should adopt a second one to keep her company. not seeing any reason why you shouldn’t, you meet him the next day and spend time together picking out a new puppy. many more days are spent giving the fluffy little animals lots of pets and scratches behind the ears, and playing with them. you’re not sure what’s cuter: the dogs, or jeno’s eye smile.

@ru-lin: (the fic was kinda inspired by what you told me about your job in our messages the other day hehe) i’d say a christmas au with mark! ruth is so considerate and a pleasure to talk to, we actually have a lot in common! she’s very warm and caring and always looking out for others. i can tell she really values her friends and they’re so lucky to have her, she’s just so sweet all around! talking to her makes my day a lot brighter whenever we interact🥺fic: during the holidays you always work at a christmas market, helping customers pick out pretty much anything they could ever want that’s associated with the chilly month and all its festivities. when a shy boy that’s adorably awkward and clumsy stumbles into the shopping area, you bite back a small laugh at his endearing hesitation to ask for assistance. speaking up first, you ask if there’s anything he needs and he explains that he’s looking for the perfect tree. with a knowing smile, you lead him down the rows of tall pines and firs and any kind of christmas tree you could possibly imagine. when his eyes land on one that he likes, his eyes light up with excitement, and you help him load it into his car. as mark is halfway home he curses, realizing he forgot to pick up a wreath as well. he knows it’ll earn him a playful scolding from his group of friends, but if it means another chance to return to the market and see you, it’s worth it.

@rvse-hvvck: i feel like i ship so many people with jaemin but it’s just because they’re so especially full of kindness and love for others, and ana is no exception! i’d give her a matchmaker au with jaemin! ana is so incredibly selfless and her heart is so compassionate, it’s crazy. i really look up to her in a lot of ways! the first impression she made on me was already a great one because i saw so many writers receiving her beautiful love letters, and from that moment alone i could already tell how much she strives to be kind and generous in everything she says and does. i hope she knows how much everyone truly adores her and is grateful for her, because she really makes the world a better and brighter place. (if you’ve seen the movie clueless i guess this fic is sorta similar!) so, you’re the resident expert on relationships among your school community, always trying to pair up people with similar interests or that have a lot of chemistry together. it brings you joy because you love seeing your friends laughing and smiling with their partners, but you feel a twinge of sadness at the same time. when jaemin, the boy you’ve liked for a while, comes to you for advice, you push down your feelings for him and send him on dates with anyone you can think of. the whole time though, he’s only had his eyes on you. he has always admired your altruism and your dedication to making others happy. it hurts him to see that you’re not even giving yourself a chance, so with a simple but heartfelt confession in the school parking lot at sunset, he helps you realize that you deserve a love like you’ve helped so many others find.

@sly-merlin: talking to simmi is always something very healing (like yuta’s smile hehe) so i’d definitely give her a secret agent/spy au with partner!yuta! she is so friendly to anyone and everyone, she gives off this warm and loving vibe like that of an old friend🥺she’s also extremely dedicated to her studies and works so hard. everyone adores her, and seeing her talk about things that make her happy is just the cutest thing ever! simmi, you truly have everyone’s heart!! now for the fic: you and yuta are both spies, partnered up for a very important and serious mission. only problem is, he’s never been the serious type. he teases you for being so uptight, but you genuinely don’t know any other way to approach a mission. along the way though, he manages to teach you how to have a little fun with your job, even if it means lots of close calls and sticky situations that force you both to begrudgingly (well, you more so than him) pretend you’re an oblivious couple in order to escape suspicious eyes. eventually, you find yourself becoming less and less unwilling to throw a casual arm around his shoulder, even when you aren’t at risk of being caught on your mission. maybe he isn’t so bad after all... :)

@suhpressed: a strangers to lovers au with theatre usher!johnny. so you know how johnny’s like an older brother to mark? i get major comforting and warm big sis vibes from elaida!! i would ship her with johnny because they’re both such selfless and caring people! she’s not afraid to speak her mind, and she always looks out for others with kindness and encouragement! as for the fic: you’re finally attending a broadway show you’ve been dying to see since, well, forever. this really cute usher helps you find your seat, but in a rare stroke of clumsiness, he bumps someone with a glass of wine in their hand that ends up staining your blouse a dark red. like the gentleman johnny (you can see it on his nametag) is, he promises to buy you a new one, and writes his phone number on the show’s program. you enjoy the musical, but the digits scribbled down next to the performers’ names prove to be more distracting than you anticipated. throughout the show you’re really jittery, excited to get back home so you can text him. in addition to replacing your ruined shirt, he also invites you out for coffee over the phone, you agree, and you both hit it off. the rest is history! the way that you met becomes a favorite story among your friends and families, & they never miss a chance to tease you two about spilling drinks.

@tyongxnct: elida, where do i begin🥺right away, i think of an idol au with taeyong. she is just so caring and supportive, she likes or comments on my posts and can make me smile with just a few words!! i remember one time that she said she was lucky to have me as a moot and it really warmed my heart, i’m so so lucky to have her too! i can tell she’s passionate about writing and that it brings her so much joy! i wish her only the best in life always <3 in the fic: during a tour, nct 127 stops in your country for a few nights of concerts, and in the midst of the excitement on the way back from the venue, taeyong gets separated from the rest. in an unfamiliar environment, he begins to panic as he remembers that he left his phone on the tour bus and has no way to contact his manager or fellow members. you, while familiar with and respectful of the group but not an avid follower of their music, catch sight of the lost and more than frazzled man as he frantically paces along the sidewalk, trying to recall his surroundings when he exited the bus hours ago. had it not been for your observant gaze, you may have missed the small group logo on his white shirt, letting you know who he was. determined to ease his obvious nerves by helping him find his way back, you lend a hand by approaching him and asking what he remembers. despite only being given a few details, you know the area he describes, quickly leading him there and reuniting him with the rest of the group. more than grateful, he offers you a ticket to the last show there, and hopes that it won’t be the last time he sees you.

@yo-ddream: a childhood best friends to lovers au with jungwoo! emily (pt 2/granny okay sorry i’m done) also feels like somewhat of an older sister to me, she gives great advice and always seems to have a story to tell from her working adventures lol. she’s very witty and extremely kind!! i guess i get jungwoo vibes because at first she seems quiet, but once you get to know her and she opens up a bit you see her fun personality and humor shine through when you talk to her :) she’s also honest about what she thinks and doesn’t sugarcoat it, something that’s very much needed in a person! okay, onto the fic: you and jungwoo grew up in the same neighborhood, going to the same school, getting your first part-time jobs at same store a few blocks down from your street. your lives have been intertwined from the start, but when a family matter pops up, it threatens his place by your side in almost everything you do and puts your friendship and undisclosed feelings for each other at risk. both working up the courage to confess as time ticks down and it gets closer to the day he’s meant to move away, you spend every moment with each other enjoying life’s little moments, the simple things like watching the sunset on a park bench or taking a walk down the sidewalk of the town shopping center. in an extremely convenient stroke of luck, he gets word that things have been sorted out, and the move is off. in both of your delight at the news, you feel like nothing can stop you. you blurt out the same three words at the same time before launching your arms around one another. if it’s you and jungwoo against the world, so be it, because not even the universe had the heart to separate the bond between you.

@zzzzzcakes: zel🥺she’s always been super supportive of me and my work, i’m happy she left feedback on a fic of mine because i might not have reached out to express my gratitude for her words and gotten to know her otherwise! she’s very kind and positive, and seeing her posts and reblogs make me laugh all the time :D i’d say a grocery store au with sungchan. (hear me out i know you must be going ‘huh?’ but trust me on this one! in that recent post you made you said something about shopping carts, and it made me think...see where this is going? haha ANYWAY!) so sungchan is the newest employee at the supermarket where you work. he’s the go-to person to call when someone can’t reach an item on one of the highest shelves, earning bewildered stares from customers and coworkers alike. he always has a joke up his sleeve or a clever remark to make about the many challenges of working in retail. you take a liking to him for how down-to-earth he is and despite all the occasional sarcasm coming from him when you’re both in the break room, he’s very helpful whenever he’s needed. he also admires how focused you are on the job, ringing up endless items and bagging groceries until your hands hurt. whenever he strides down an aisle near the register you’re working at that day, he doesn’t hesitate to send a wave and an endearing grin your way. it’s the moments like that with him that get you through your shift and keep you going. it’s no surprise when you reveal to the rest of the staff that you’re dating. of course, the perks of being employees mean that you can spend many late nights racing each other in shopping carts at the back of the store near closing time and other mischievous activities of the sort, laughing when your manager scolds you over the loudspeaker system without a care in the world.

——ships——

@badwithten: zoe is someone full of both humor and heart, a combination that immediately reminds me of lucas, so i’d 100% ship her with him! she’s given me really good advice and encouragement to stay true to myself, something i can also see lucas doing, and i’m very grateful for her wise words :) and like i said, her heart is full of love and she’s so kind to everyone!

@bucchinct: i’m not sure if we’ve ever interacted, but i always see your posts on my dash and you reblog so many artistic and pretty things/pictures, which makes me think of jaemin and his hobby of photography! so i would ship you with him ^_^

@du0tine: i’d ship solange with ten, for a number of reasons! one, the fact that she mountain climbs for a living and is so dedicated to/passionate about it is something extremely admirable and amazing, so she comes across as very brave and adventurous! also, she’s not afraid to tell others her opinions and that honesty is really refreshing to see! and her blog themes are super artistic which reminds me of ten as well. she just seems like a great person in general and i hope to get to know her more!

@ethaeriyeol: i haven’t really talked to bea much, but i know she is good friends with a few of my other moots so i think that says something about the kind of person she is! i would ship her with jaehyun, she seems really professional (and lowkey intimidating but you didn’t hear it from me) but also very sweet and welcoming and i imagine they both have the cutest smiles, with or without dimples, hehe.

@euphoricdreamies: i’d ship maddy with chenle! she has such a great sense of humor and it’s so much fun to read about her oc’s, i love keeping up with the plots! i’ve followed her for a while but we just recently started talking, she’s very friendly🥺maddy’s just been nothing but nice to me, and i feel like she has a sarcastic and witty side. also, she deserves so much more recognition for her talent and i think everyone deserves to read her amazing work!

@felixn-recs: it’s been a while since i talked to you, but i’m really thankful that you left some of the first feedback i ever received on my writing! i know for a fact that authors really appreciate you and the kind feedback/support that you show their works. this eagerness to show writers your encouragement and praise makes me think of mark for sure, so i would ship you with him!

@fullsuhnny: angelina seems like the type to be somewhat reserved, but still very generous and selfless towards others, reminding me of kun! when she interacts with people she’s humble and sweet, and i enjoy seeing her reblogs pop up on my dash. i think she’s a wonderful friend to everyone and i hope to become closer with her in the future! also, her blog theme is so cool and aesthetic hehe :D

@gowonhatesyou: renjun all the way, krystal always makes me and others laugh so much with her humor and her entertaining personality. but at the same time, while she can be chaotic and sarcastic, she’s also extremely loving and sociable. i can tell she cares a lot about those around her and wants only the best for them! i really value her friendship🥺

@heartyyjeno: i’d ship alesha with jaemin, she’s so much like him to me. first of all, because she would do anything to make her friends smile or brighten their day! she has a warm personality that makes others feel very loved. she’s also very determined and perseverant, because when things get tough she doesn’t give up and continues to pursue her dreams and do what she loves, even when it may be difficult. i’m positive that everyone she knows appreciates having her and her endless kindness in their life! <3

@injunified: nathalie is really sweet and generous, and i’m really happy that she’s started posting more of her works recently, they definitely deserve all the recognition that they’re getting and more!! i don’t know her super well but she’s a great friend to have, so I’d ship her with winwin/sicheng! i hope she can continue writing because she definitely has a lot of talent for it🥺

@jaeminscoffee: lyra is very warm, friendly, and she was eager to get to know me when we first met, so i would ship her with johnny! i really enjoy talking to her, and she’s also very down-to-earth! she never hesitates to show her appreciation for her friends and followers, and i really look up to her for it🥺

@lovelygalaxy333: lilly is so so lovable and sweet, i would definitely ship her with shotaro! my heart literally threatens to explode whenever i talk to her, and she reblogs the cutest, kindest things! like shotaro, i just wanna protect her because she’s such a special soul and also very positive! even if she just sends a simple ‘hello’ in my inbox from time to time, it puts the biggest smile on my face and i’m so grateful for her!

@meraki-mark: li is very humble and friendly, so i would ship her with xiaojun! she also seems somewhat quiet and calm to me, i was almost intimidated when we first interacted haha. something i admire about her is that i believe she’s the kind of person to truly be dedicated to writing what she wants and not just for the sake of notes! that kind of commitment is really nice to see :)

@minyusa: whenever i see miku on my dash, she always seems to be showing her support for a work or conversing with a friend. she’s there to lend some encouragement and sweet words to those that need it! her good-nature and pure thoughtfulness reminds me of jeno. she’s so nice to talk to and deserves love, no questions asked! you’re a very genuine and warm-hearted person, so i’d ship you with him~ （＾ν＾）

@moonlightjeno: we don’t know each other very well but just from looking at luna’s writing, i think the types of fics and aus she writes are very diverse and unique! her well-rounded work makes me think of haechan, so i’ll ship her with him! i believe we have some of the same moots so she seems very kind and social as well!

@neonun-au: okay, maybe it’s because ‘multitudes’ has been on my mind ever since i read it but my first thought was to ship mads with taeil! her writing is so elegant and beautiful, i’m so glad her work gets all the recognition that it does! as silly as it sounds for me to say, even her sh*tposts seem sophisticated for some reason hahaha. she’s just so sweet, talented and always so gracious!

@peachjaem00: lou comes across as very laidback and charming, two things that remind me of yangyang! she’s a pleasure to interact with, and i feel like she has a lot of friends, i mean, who wouldn’t want someone like her in their life? she’s such a supportive and inviting person by nature, and i can tell she works hard and puts so much effort into her writing because it’s so good!!

@prettyjaems: i believe i said it once before so pardon the repetition, but whenever i interact with mona i feel loved and cared for like nobody’s business😭which immediately makes jaemin come to mind. she doesn’t hesitate to show kindness to anyone and everyone, but also has a quiet and focused side at times, and i think as a person, she has so many great qualities that balance out and make up her considerate personality! she’s also really motivated and organized with her writing, i hope to learn a thing or two from those work habits of hers :)

@rueyins: one fateful day when i was craving some good old interaction, rue reached out to me just to say hello and ask how i was doing, something that makes me think of taeyong! i really love how caring she is towards everyone she knows, and also her music taste is great, which also makes me think of taeyong, haha🥺the way she looks out for others is such a special quality to have, i’m so glad we’ve become friends!!

@vitamarkie: i would ship kay with mark! i see her interact with her moots a lot, and she just seems very loved all around by everyone that knows her! also, she writes the softest, prettiest, fluffiest stories, and for some reason i think of the fact that mark once said he wanted be an author when he grew up. her skills are seriously amazing and, just like i admire mark for his talent, i admire kay a lot for hers!

@whathamelon: hmm you have a good sense of humor and also seem very friendly because we have some of the same moots! you’re also not shy about showing appreciation to your favorite fics and authors, so i would ship you with johnny!

@yunwoo: i feel like anna is on the soft-spoken, quieter side but still very very sweet, so i would ship her with jisung! she’s really lovable and so comforting to talk to, even though we don’t know each other too well yet. just from her blog she seems so adorable and i want to hug her and talk to her more🥺also her aesthetic is the softest thing EVER i love it so much!!😭

#hannah’s end of the year appreciation post!#please feel free to write any of these because there’s no way i’d ever have the time to do so lmao #hannah ships her moots #moonbeamsung’s mutuals #i love you and thank you all!#terrified that since this is so long tumblr’s gonna find a way to mess it up aaaa #nervous to ping everyone as well but here we go! hehe #anon ୭̥⋆*｡#it’s literally going on two weeks since you sent this i am so very sorry omg🥲

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freddieofhearts · 3 years

Text

Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

#au revoir my dears #lil gay bby

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lucywritesreid · 4 years

Text

With Heaven Above You - Part 2

Summary: In this chapter, Reid and Y/N are coming closer to uncovering who the unsub is.

Warnings: Just a bit of swearing!

Word Count: 2.6k (I was going to split this into two but ended up changing my mind!)

Notes: Thank you for the feedback on part one! I’m tagging @rexorangecouny @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks @liaabsurd @reidsmyhusband-emilysmymistress @101donuts

The next 24 hours or so flew by. You and Spencer had spent hours crafting the profile and accumulating evidence passed on by the rest of their teams whilst they investigated the murders. Hotch had accepted your revised profile and a comment about it being ‘especially good work’ had lifted both your spirits more than you cared to admit. By the evening, there had been no reports of any new missing persons, so you took the time to deliver the profile to various police departments and blue collar workers in the local area. The more people knew what to look out for, you hoped the more vigilant and safe people would be.

There was something powerful about delivering the profile together. On a couple of occasions a few male officers had directed questions specifically to Dr Reid. Spencer had sharply referred them to you and he stood watching you proudly as you answered. Despite his greater intelligence and experience within the FBI, he never took you for granted. He wanted people to see just how smart you were. Had the circumstances been happier, you probably would’ve wanted to go out and celebrate your partnership, or at the very least have a romantic evening indoors. But this case was unrelenting.

There had been a minor breakthrough. Garcia had been given permission from the phone companies each of the victims used to have unlimited access to their phones. Their phones had been brought into the office and she’d found out that each victim received a photograph of themselves from an unknown number in the hours before their disappearance. She was trying to find the source of the number, but it gave you all some hope that should you be taken – the unsub would try and track you down and photograph you first.

By the time you returned to Quantico, it was late, but you needed to work on the press release with Rossi and JJ. Spencer excused himself to go look through some files, and you spent the next few hours working through questions and specific trigger words you were going to use in order to taunt the unsub. “I think you’ve got this kiddo,” Rossi brought you in for a warm hug, “you’re gonna go out there and really wind up the bastard.”

It got to a point when you felt like you couldn’t stand up any longer. Tears stung your eyes as the battle to fight off a yawn was lost. Glancing down at your watch you saw that it was almost midnight. “I’m gonna go find the Dr, I’ll see you guys in the morning.” You kissed both your colleagues on the cheek and grabbed your coat from your desk, anxious to get home and try and get some sleep before tomorrow.

It was no surprise how you found Spencer. He was sprawled out across a small office’s burgundy carpet, an array of open files and photographs positioned sporadically around him. You stood for a few seconds and watched him, always fascinated by his approach. He was feverishly reading through files, using his index finger to focus his eyes on the pages as he read through them all at lightning speed. Most people would believe that this workspace was chaotic and messy. But you could see Spencer’s organisation even from your viewpoint. He’d arranged the victims chronologically in his circle and had layered over police and ME reports in between each case file. He truly was brilliant. Had it have been a few hours earlier; you wouldn’t have interrupted. But you knew he needed to go home, probably more than you did. “C’mon Spence. Even someone as handsome as you needs their beauty sleep,” you commented, leaning against the door.

He didn’t look up but he knew you were there. “Five minutes, y/n?”

“M’kay squish,” a nickname you reserved for when there was nobody else around, “I’ll go warm the car up.”

Spencer was five minutes on the dot. He hurried into the passenger seat and clicked on his seatbelt, throwing his messenger bag on the backseat. You looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that the bag was overflowing and stuffed with files, no doubt all the ones he was staring at in the office. It took all your willpower not to mention it. You desperately wanted to tell him to forget it for tonight and have a relax, but that would be futile. Spencer was passionate about his job and that was one of the many reasons why you were in love with him. The radio played classical music all the way home, Spencer’s favourite radio station and certainly not yours. He made a couple of comments about various composers playing and facts about their lives. It made you relax to hear him talk about something that wasn’t the case.

When you arrived home, you were seeing spots from exhaustion. Too tired to cook anything, Spencer warmed up some leftover Chinese food whilst you jumped in the shower. You popped on an old episode of Doctor Who and sat in silence as you both ate. When the episode finished, you glanced across the sofa and saw Spencer with his head propped up by his hand and his empty bowl falling off his lap. As quietly as you could, you turned off the TV, reached out and took the bowl from his lap and set it down on the coffee table, hoping not to disturb him. But he was an awfully light sleeper and the slightest movement caused him to jolt awake. “Oh god sorry y/n I guess I fell asleep.” You scolded him for apologising, took his hand and walked into the bedroom. You were asleep the second your head hit the pillow.

The next morning was spent preparing for your press conference. You dressed quickly but made the effort to put on something slightly more revealing and spent the time straightening your usually messy up-in-a-bun hair. Spencer hovered in the doorway as you finished putting on your make up, hands in your pocket as he watched you. You sighed. “I think it’s the best way to try and bait this guy if I at least look worth kidnapping,” You watched him shudder behind you. “I know, y/n. And you look beautiful. I just don’t like the thought of him thinking that.”

On your way out, you made sure to grab the purple pendant necklace that Spencer had bought you on your birthday two years ago. You fumbled with it between your fingers as you sat in the car as your own little signal that you were going to be thinking about him all day.

The press conference went off without a hitch. Thanks to JJ, there was wide media coverage, with cameras and crew from all various TV and radio news outlets, as well as a few reporters who had vouched to have the story printed on their websites within the hour. If this guy had any sort of access to media, which your profile stated he did, he would most certainly be watching. “And just to reiterate, we’re looking for a man who is awkward with zero social skills. This man is impotent, unattractive and holds a menial job. He takes no pride in his appearance and we believe he is a complete loner. No family, no friends. You’ve probably overlooked this guy a thousand times. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing significant about him at all.” You stared right down into the camera as you delivered your last line. You knew that was the sucker punch. This guy was a total narcissist and completely fame hungry. You hoped that by saying he was a loner with no life he would be outraged enough to try and track you down. “We are also not answering to any nicknames. This man is too irrelevant to be given one. If you have any questions or believe you have seen this man, you can call our 24 hour tip line. You can ask for me personally. My name is Agent Y/N Y/L/N with the BAU. Thank you.”

As soon as you stepped down the phone lines started ringing. Local police and members of your team were all taking it in turns to answer the calls, writing down numbers, disregarding any hoaxes. Morgan cheered you up after ten minutes by claiming that someone was asking if you were free for dinner, but other than that there were no significant leads in the first few hours.

Spencer had asked Hotch if he could continue looking over the files and he had disappeared back into his quiet room. You considered going checking on him a few times, but then it was your turn to man the phones alongside Emily. An hour or so in, you turned to her and asked, “have you had anything worthwhile, Em? Do you think we’re gonna get this guy?”

“I think you did an excellent job before, y/n. I’m sure he’s seething. I was surprised though when he didn’t ring directly after the first few minutes.” You nodded back to her. That was the outcome that you had been hoping for, but it hadn’t materialised. “Say,” she then added, “what’s Reid so fixated on? Do you think he’s got any leads?”

“Honestly Em? I don’t have a clue.”

The day felt rather anti-climactic. You’d set yourself up, hoping for some sort of breakthrough, but as the evening wore on and the numbers of staff on site dwindled, you realised there wasn’t going to be any new developments tonight. Following the same routine from the day before, you found Spencer, and coaxed him out of his little investigation room so that he would come home. The rest of the evening was extremely ordinary. You went to bed together and fell asleep even quicker than the night before. If that was humanly possible.

When you awoke, it was early. A stream of light from the slightly open curtains had interrupted your sleep. “We really should’ve shut the curtains properly,” you yawned and stretched a hand out to where you expected your boyfriends warm chest to be. But his side of the bed was empty. You opened your eyes and turned to his side. It was perfectly made up and his pyjamas were folded nearly on top of the pillow. That was odd. You both were notoriously messy and known for not being particularly proactive in a morning. Perhaps he hadn’t slept. You wondered just how early he’d got out of bed.

When you finally managed to come around you checked your phone to see if he’d sent you anything. Aside from a few late night memes from Garcia, there was nothing. Still, Spencer had gone to work on his own plenty times before. He liked to let you sleep in when his insomnia was bothering him. He’d probably just used his metro card and wanted to make a start on the case. That gave you hope that maybe his incessant thinking had given him a eureka moment.

You rolled out of bed slowly and stretched to stand. It would’ve been nice to go back to sleep for a few hours, but you figured if Spencer was already at work it was likely the others were too. You threw on a plain black shirt and capri trousers and added one of Spencer’s fluffy cardigans to finish it off. You liked the way you could fit your thumbs through the holes in the sleeves, almost like he was holding your hand. As you walked into the kitchen you shot him a quick text ‘see you at work babe.’ You turned on the coffee machine and figured you’d use one of Spencer’s mugs rather than dirtying a new one. He always had a coffee before he left, no matter how much of a rush he was in. And he always left a mug on the counter. It was usually the one with penguins on you’d got him at the Christmas market.

But there was no mug there. That stumped you for a second or two. He always had his coffee before he left, no exceptions. Then again, this case was doing crazy things to all of you. Surely it wasn’t unusual for one day? You poured two coffees into metal flasks to take with you and made your way to the front door. You reached up to grab your key from the right hook but it was empty. Huh. That was weird too. You quickly scanned your eyes and saw your key was on the left. But your key was always on the right and Spencer’s on the left. Had he picked yours up by mistake and swapped them over before leaving? That didn’t really make sense.

You had to shrug this off. It was getting silly, this overthinking. Save your energy for the case you said to yourself. Just as you were about to unlock the door, you looked down at your ‘enter the upside down’ door mat. Normally it sat perfectly on a right angle to the edge of the door. But it was almost completely twisted to the left. How had that happened? Why was Spencer in such a rush that he forgot his coffee, almost took the wrong key and messed up the doormat?

The ride to work seemed long. You were anxious to see Spencer and have the butterflies in your stomach go away. Guilt set in as you realised you were the last one to arrive, even though it was only just after 8am. You went straight for JJ who was stood by your desk. “Morning JJ,” you mustered a smile.

She returned the smile but looked around you, “Did Spence not come in with you this morning?” You shook your head. Shit. Did that mean he wasn’t here yet? By the time you had got ready and drove here the metro would’ve brought him in by now. “Um no, I thought he was already here…” The panic started settling in again and you frantically looked around the bullpen. “Where is he?”

You excused yourself from JJ but she followed, obviously sensing how tense you were. You tried the meeting room, Garcia’s den, the little cubby room he’d been working with, even Hotch’s office. When you asked Derek if he’d go into the bathroom to look for him, he said, “Listen baby girl, if you want to get your kicks off with Reid in working hours, I’d suggest somewhere more romantic than the men’s bathroom…”

JJ gave him a look, “We can’t find Spencer actually, Derek. But I’m sure he’s just on his way, y/n. I wouldn’t worry about it. Have you heard from him yet?” She reached out to touch your arm, but you flinched away. This wasn’t right. His oddly made up bed. The coffee cup. The keys. The doormat. It was all pointing to something, but you just didn’t know what.

Without hesitation you ran into Garcia’s room and startled her. “Penelope,” you said trying to choke back tears, “I-I need you to trace Spencer’s phone for me.”

She didn’t question you just from the look on her face. Instead she nodded and set to work. You tried to focus on your breathing, but it was becoming shallower by the second. A sharp pain crept up into your chest and you balled your hand into a tight fist. He’s okay. He’s probably just gone somewhere to think. Or he’s late. That happens.

Your train of thought was quickly interrupted by Garcia. She spun round on her chair and the same worried look you had was staring back at you. “Y/n, h-his phone’s either switched off or died. I-I can’t locate him. I don’t know where he is.”

End of part 2

#spencer reid #spencer reid fic #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid x reader #spencer x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #spencer reid x you #dr spencer reid #dr reid x y/n

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jedi-order-apologist · 4 years

Note

I don't know if you was asked this before, but what you think is the cause of jedi hate being so popular in fandom? I personally think is a mixture of a distate of organizated religion and genuine belief of sidious's lies.

I do have a few ideas as to why the fandom is particularly and uniquely uncharitable towards the Jedi Order.

The biggest reason, I think, is the tendency for people to assume the worst of characters they can’t relate to. I’ve seen this in other fandoms with reserved characters (and to some degree in real life, too), and with the Jedi we have an entire culture that’s reserved and values this personality. It’s a combination of culture clash, and of most of the audience just not being able to relate to or connect to these characters at all - they find them cold and aloof and weird and unfeeling and repressed. As someone who’s also been called a few of those things when I don’t intend to come across that way, I can see why these terms might get applied to the Jedi even though I don’t see them like that, and I don’t think they were intended to be seen like that (since Lucas also comes across on the reserved side tbh).

Falling for Palpatine’s manipulations is absolutely a big part of it as well. Many Jedi-critical arguments are paraphrased from Palpatine’s talking points on-screen and in expanded material, if it’s not almost word-for-word. It’s a great testament to his charisma and effectiveness as a villain, but unfortunately the fact that he’s not exactly a reliable source gets lost in the fandom repetition as context is stripped out. It’s easy for the fandom to echo things like “the Jedi don’t appreciate Anakin” when they leave out that Palpatine’s statements like this were a deliberate part of an abuse tactic to isolate Anakin and undermine his support structure, that he was deliberately stirring up tensions between Anakin and the Council by putting him front-and-center in his power play over them.

I agree that anti-religious sentiment is a part of it as well, and to some degree it’s an extension of my first point about people assuming the worst of people they can’t relate to. We’re used to seeing organized religion as the bad guy these days, and there’s a tendency for people to want to shape their interpretation into that mold. People have been making good points on my earlier post - a lot of it is coming from a Western Christianity-dominant bias, with people incorrectly assuming all religions work like their own experiences with it (there’s also, I think, a misconception that the Jedi were based on any one particular religion, when in fact they’re an amalgamation and should be looked at for what they are, not how accurately they reflect particular real-world religions) I’ve wondered before if regional fandoms outside of the West are far more Jedi positive, if anti-Jedi sentiment even exists there.

Contrarianism plays a role, too. I’ve never been in a fandom where there wasn’t a group of fans seemingly hellbent on proving that the heroes were just as bad, if not worse than the villains, twisting whatever context they need to to make that work. They want the heroes to be the bad guys. There’s a misconception that “greyer is automatically deeper” where people find any reason to tear down the good guys and justify the bad guys because that's the "smart" reading, missing that a uniform grey isn't actually more nuanced just because it's not black or white, especially when it's slapped on with no regard for the actual context. Sometimes you can look at the black and white and see the nuance and variation and shades, and still come away with black and white on the whole.

Those, in my opinion, are the most fundamental reasons people are so uncharitable towards the Jedi - it then gets exacerbated through a feedback loop of these uncharitable assumptions feeding into some of the expanded material which then feed into other expanded material and those all then fueling anti-Jedi sentiment further by giving something for those people to point to to say “see? Look how flawed and bad and wrong the Jedi were, here’s proof!” even if it was an invention of the expanded material, working backward from an already-made conclusion that was informed by things not necessarily reflected or intended by the source films. (Which is not to say, of course, that the expanded material is bad - I enjoy some of it myself and those stories obviously have value to people and I wouldn’t want to take away from that. People can have their uncharitable interpretations if they like - I just wish that wasn’t seen as the default or intended reading by the fandom).

#in defense of the jedi #jedi order #the jedi order #jedi positive #pro jedi #discussion #Anonymous

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worldwidebt7 · 4 years

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Hell(L)ing || 03

§ — Pairing: Chimera!Taehyung x Empath!Reader (with mentions of Reader x Other Members)

§ — Genre: SciFi AU, fluff, angst, smut, horror

§ — Wordcount: 4,456

§ — Rating: M

§ — Warnings: None yet~

§ — A/N: Reader and Namjoon get formally introduced to Taehyung! Though he doesn’t really make the best first impression…. But he still cute af! Thank you so much for all your feedback so far guys! I hope you’re enjoying the story!

Summary: You moved out into the wilderness to live a calm, peaceful life. Your abilities made it impossible to live in crowded places, so even if you wanted to you couldn’t return. But when something happens outside the realm of even your normalcy, you start to think that maybe having everyone else’s emotions bearing down on you isn’t such a bad alternative to being trapped with your own.

Before you knew it, you were preparing a light lunch for when Namjoon arrived for your book meeting on Monday, the previous nights’ events pushed aside, but not forgotten. When you had woken up Sunday morning, Yoongi was still soundly sleeping on your couch, face pressed into the back cushions and hands wedged between his knees. You had smiled fondly at the scene, nostalgia flashing images of his past sleeping habits like a slideshow in your mind. Somehow, you were perfectly content with being his friend— now at least, the first two years after the breakup had been filled with sad one-sided longing to be embraced by him.

You only lingered in the living room for a few moments before passing through to the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee immediately, knowing that the man on the couch would be in need of it when he finally woke. It wasn’t long after the brewing process started that the half-asleep zombie staggered into the kitchen in search of the dark liquid. You laughed when he walked directly into the kitchen island before sliding into one of the bar chairs at the counter. He never brought up the incident, nor did he comment on your disheveled appearance, ever the gentleman. You fed him a simple breakfast of cereal, and allowed him to drink more than half your pot of coffee before he slinked home, looking only a little more alive than he had when he first emerged.

The rest of the day had been just as unproductive as the last and you were significantly more relaxed than you thought you’d be, though you had gone to bed with all of the lights on in your house once more. Now you were making bibimbap and bulgogi for Namjoon’s arrival Monday morning as you struggled to keep the eerie feeling of being watched from creeping under your skin.

Cooking for Namjoon had quickly been established as tradition for your meetings. The first time you did it, it was due to the fact that the two of you were meeting at your house at dinner time and Namjoon had confessed to not having eaten. Instead of ordering takeout, you quickly whipped something up for the two of you and discussed the manuscript of your book over tteokbokki. He complimented your cooking to the point that you had unknowingly agreed to cook for him each time he visited, not that you particularly minded preparing food, you just weren’t sure how it had gotten to that point. It was nice, though, to share a meal with someone; especially someone as intelligent and handsome as your editor.

The rice for the bibimbap was just about done when you felt the familiar tingle of another person’s presence enter your perimeter, and judging by the inquisitive yet poetic nature of the emotions connected to this individual, you could only assume that it was Namjoon. Soon, a knock came at your front door and you called out, letting him know that the door was unlocked and that he may enter.

“Y/N?” He called, closing the door behind him. You leaned over the kitchen island, hands wet from washing lettuce, and beckoned him into the kitchen. You saw his form appear, clad in a tan trench-style coat, white button-down, black slacks, and think-rimmed glasses. He had a laptop bad slung over his shoulder, obviously containing his electronic device as well as several other packets of paper if you had to guess by the size.

“I’m just finishing up preparing lunch,” You hummed, happy that your company has finally arrived and you were no longer alone with your thoughts. The tall man placed his bag on the quarts surface and shuffled out of his coat— one that he clearly did not need as it was still early September and still clinging to the warmth of summer. He draped it over the back of one of the pub stools at the island and propped himself on his forearms against the counter, peering at the food being fixed.

“Smells good,” He mused, a pleased warmth spreading through your body and letting you know that he was happy with the cuisine he saw. You were suddenly then hit by the sharp pang of hunger he sent your way. Normally, you’d think nothing of it considering hunger is one of the most common things you experience from other people. However, this time it instantly brought you back to the faint, yet no less potent reading you received from the creature outside your house two evenings ago— its hunger crawled under your skin like an army of insects marching in every direction, the detached curiosity only making it more violent.

The ceramic cup you had pulled from the cabinet to offer Namjoon a drink with slipped from your hand, shaken by the memory, and it shatters on the floor, startling both you and your editor. You stare at the once beautiful cup before turning to Namjoon, who’s eyes were large and alarmed, with an embarrassed grin. You could feel the concern and fright spiking from the man in front of you, but most notably there was confusion.

“What happened? Are you okay?” You stepped back from the pile of shards on your floor with a small smile— Namjoon was a genuine person; caring, intelligent, lyrical, and even if you weren’t empathic, you feel as though you’d have no problem understanding him and his emotions. He made everything apparent in his words and actions.

“I’m okay,” You replied, slipping out of the kitchen quickly and retrieving your broom and dust pan before scurrying back to the mess you’d created. “Wet hands.” You gave a light laugh, trying to explain away your upset.

Your editor didn’t know about your empathic abilities, and you really didn’t feel the need to tell him. In a sense, it was nice having someone that didn’t have expectations of having their emotions perceived by an outside source, which, if you thought about it, was rather invasive and you could understand how it might make people uncomfortable. While you considered Namjoon a friend, he was also your editor, so it was less about you trusting him, and more about keeping your relationship on a more professional spectrum.

As you began sweeping, the kind man straightened completely and attempted to round the island.

“Do you want some help?” His inquire has you shaking your head and pleasantly grinning at him.

“No, it’s fine, I got it. Sorry about this,” you swept the fragments into a small pile and collected it in the dustpan before making your way over to the trash bin on the other side of the peninsula separating your kitchen from your dining space. Namjoon gave a snort laced in amusement.

“Why are you sorry? It was your cup….” When you returned to your original spot you noticed his left eyebrow quirked, clearly entertained by your needless apologies. You rolled your eyes playfully and began fussing with the food once more.

“Just go sit down,” you said turning your back to him when you heard the tell-tale ‘click’ of your rice cooker alerting you to the completing of the rice for the bibimbap. Thankfully, you had already placed two large bowls out in preparation and simply began filling the bowls about a third of the way with the steaming rice.

Behind you, you heard Namjoon treading away from the kitchen and towards your small kitchen table set up in front of the large windows that made up the entirety of the back wall facing the lake on the first floor of your house. You only had four chairs for the table in total, however you rarely ever had the need of all four and opted to keep two, as you usually only had one visitor at a time. He unpacked his bag into a neat pile and set it to the side, obviously intent on eating before getting to the heart of the meeting.

“Do you want anything to drink?” You asked, successfully removing two glasses from your cabinet without incident this time. You filled yours with iced barley tea, a favorite of yours in the heat of the summer.

“Whatever you’re having is fine,” He answered as he plopped himself into a chair at the table. You felt the anticipation buzzing in the air and stifled a laugh— the man really wanted his food. So, you poured his drink and delivered both glasses to the table before returning to the kitchen to bring the remaining items out for your lunch.

Once both of you were sat, the food presented appetizingly, the two of you settled into comfortable conversation. Lunch with Namjoon was always pleasant because Namjoon was pleasant— you could talk about anything, and any topic could easily slip into something philosophical. You enjoyed this; the intellectual talk kept your mind sharp and fulfilled, and you always felt the most satisfied after a long talk.

You had considered Namjoon a potential partner at one point, and when the two of you had first met, it was immediately apparent that he too had been attracted to you. But breaching the line between professional and personal relationship was not something that you particularly wanted to risk. Plus, you still had the lingering pain of your experience with Yoongi to keep you in check. And so, not wanting to experience another person falling out of love with you again, you kept any feelings to yourself until both yours and Namjoon’s sentiments faded into a fond friendship not unlike the one you had with Yoongi now.

Once the two of you had your fill, you placed the dirtied dishes in the sink to wash later and returned to the kitchen table where Namjoon was booting up his computer and sifting through a folder of papers. You almost huffed in disappointment— time to get down to business. You excuse yourself for a moment to grab your journal from your office.

You only needed to be in your office for a moment— just long enough to seize your journal and turn back to return to Namjoon in your kitchen. Your desk was facing the window overlooking the water; you liked looking out at the diamonds of sunlight dace across the ripples as you let your imagination carry you away too far off land. Whilst retrieving your notes you gazed out the window absentmindedly only to find something out of place. Or rather, something that didn’t belong.

There, standing at the edge of the water, was a man of rather average height and a mop of black hair on his head. You were frozen momentarily, something about the scene reminding you of your chilling visitor from the other night. Taking a deep breath to stabilize your racing thoughts enough to think rationally, your mind pulled a small piece of information out of your haze.

Seokjin’s roommate. The one he said would probably be wandering around. The one you saw on their property before. It must be him; it has to be him— the shaggy dark hair, though you only saw it from afar last time, was surely enough to tell you it was this mystery roommate.

You released a few more uneven breaths, holding your journal tightly by your side, and you took him in now that you had a better view. He was still outside your radius, so you couldn’t get a read on him, and his back was facing you as he stared out over the water, but you could tell he had a well-built form beneath his loose-fitted clothing. His stature though… was he smaller than your nightmare? Or was the presence of the specter looming outside your house that night so overwhelming that you had imagined him much larger than he truly was?

The man tilted his head slightly and you caught just the slightest view of his jawbone. You jumped slightly for reasons unbeknownst to you. It almost felt like he knew you were watching him silently from within your home. However, your startled brain soon posed the question: why on earth was he in your yard?

“Y/N” You heard Namjoon call, though he sounded close; was he calling from the bottom of the stairs? Backtracking, your eyes lingered on him for as long as your retreating form would allow before quickly darting down the stairs to find that your editor was, in face, awaiting you at the bottom. He wasn’t looking at you, though. He was staring out towards the back of your house and when you joined him on the ground floor you focused your attention in the same direction. “There’s someone in your yard…” You nodded at his statement, a still bit bewildered yourself.

“Yup…” You said, glancing at the tall man beside you before turning back to gaze out your window. “I think he’s my new neighbor,” you mused, more to yourself than your companion. You cleared your throat then, gaining his attention as you peered up at him. “Should, uh… should we go say hi?” Your brows furrowed, trying to express the uncertainty buzzing about. You could feel the same spike within Namjoon, however there was a bit of humor laced within it.

“We? He’s your neighbor,” he teased, causing you to send him a disgruntled, yet good-natured scowl. He chuckled at that, rolling his eyes as he nudged you with his elbow. “Like I would let you go out there with some weird dude.” Sighing, he began towards the back door, “Come on. We’ll say hi, send him home, and then finally get the meeting started.” You trailed after him, placing your journal on the kitchen table as Namjoon opened the door and stepped out. You followed suit, closing the door as to not let the cool air out of your house. The moment the door clicks shut, the mystery boy at the edge of the late spins to look at you, his gaze guarded at first. As you approached, what you felt made your blood run cold.

There was virtually nothing.

There were blips of emotions like caution and fear, even aggression. But there was nothing substantial to latch onto and this was both exciting and terrifying. How was it possible that he was evading your senses? How could he be keeping his feelings from flooding into you? Was he aware of your abilities? Or was he naturally repressive?

Not human.

You visibly tensed and stopped your approach, causing Namjoon to halt as well and turn to you in confusion, though you hardly noticed the taller man as you take in the daunting stranger. Now that you were within closer proximity, you were able to see his face— and he was stunning. You drank in his round eyes, sharp jawline, perfectly full lips, and flawless golden skin, each feature just as impeccable as the last. He was quite possibly the loveliest person you’d ever seen, and yet there was something unsettling about his beauty, the ethereal air radiating off of him almost too dreamlike.

Not human.

Your heart rate sped up, the same disturbing feeling from the other night creeping into your bones and setting your nerve endings alight. The dark-haired stranger locked eyes with you, and suddenly the small blips of intense emotions shifted— they were still on high alert, still nervous, but there was suddenly a softness to them, almost as if he were being cautious for you, rather than being cautious of you. At this, you couldn’t help the slight furrow of your brow as you regained your slow stride towards the boy, only stopping when you reached Namjoon’s side.

The unfamiliar man flicked his gaze between the two of you guardedly, looking as if he were to take off into the woods again any moment. You made no indication that you were going to initiate conversation, which Namjoon noticed and fortunately took the obligation from you at a low clearing of his throat.

“Uh, hello?” His deep voice and small step forward caught the other male’s attention and his eyes sharpened, locking onto your editor’s form. You felt a shiver at the aggressive spike in the air, both from Namjoon, and from the blips of emotion you could pick up from the stranger. Clearly Namjoon had picked up on the hostility directed towards him as well, and luckily for everyone, he was a smart man with a level head. However, he wasn’t immune to emotional outbursts, and the unwarranted behavior from this weird boy was clearly ticking him off.

“I-I’m Y/N!” you interjected quickly, trying to dispel the tenseness in the air to avoid a brawl. At your voice, the beautiful visitor snapped his eyes to you, still very much heavily guarded, and you sucked in a shallow breath through your nose. His gaze a piercing, almost as if he could see every muscle twitch, every pulse of your heart from where he stood— almost predatory.

You tried to control your heart beat, but with no success. Penetrating eyes, no stable emotional readings, predatory stare, defensive like a cornered animal…

Not human.

His eyes flicked between you and Namjoon, his body tense and when you glanced at his feet you saw that he was poised to dart off at any moment. What worried you is that you didn’t know if he meant to run at you, or away from you. You attempted talking to him again, hoping to calm him, but not before taking a step back away from him and sliding a bit closer to Namjoon.

“You’re Seokjin’s roommate, right? It’s nice to meet you…” You kept your voice as steady and pleasant as you could. He continued to scrutinize you, and you continued to try and hone in on what his intentions were, still only catching the small blips of hostility and distress at first until you saw his shoulders relax fractionally and you caught the smallest spark of the gentle caution you had earlier.

“Who’s Seokjin?” You heard Namjoon whisper to you, causing another aggressive spike in the air. This time, your head throbbed as well; an oncoming migraine more than likely caused by how hard you were trying to focus on your mysterious neighbor. You winced slightly, looking at Namjoon and withdrawing your abilities as much as you could.

“He’s—”

“KIM TAEHYUNG!” Speak of the Devil, and so shall he appear. All three of you snapped your head in the direction of the voice that you vaguely recognized as your new neighbor. You saw him before you sensed him, and usually feelings began faint and grew stronger as they neared you. However, when he entered the radius in which your abilities were effective, you were blind-sided by the power of his emotions. Anger, fear— panic, panic, panic. Always with the panic with this man; was he always going to be this intense? At least now his face matched his emotions. Breath knocked from your lungs, you nearly doubled over by the force and you immediately became overwhelmed, only finding little relief in your editor’s voice giving you something different to focus on.

“Seokjin?” He asked you, to which you nodded. The scattered throbbing in your head became a cutting pain, one that had you shying away from the sunlight and gritting your teeth. You felt a wave of concern come from Namjoon at your sudden change in behavior and your sent him a tight smile in return to reassure him.

“Yeah, he just moved into the house up the lake…” Namjoon nodded, taking in this information, and you both turned to readdress the other men before you. Seokjin had made his way to his roommate’s side quickly, clearly out of breath from his fast pace, and you expected the black-haired boy to be looking at the purple-haired man. Except, he wasn’t; his gaze bore into your own as you made eye-contact and you froze, unable to look away. His eyes were onyx, so dark that you couldn’t see his pupils, and completely bottomless, as if they were a gate to the deepest part of the universe.

“What are you doing here?!” Seokjin’s voice ripped through your hypnosis as you regained some of your composure, taking in the situation before you. Your neighbor was furious; his anger like hot coals burning behind your eyelids. His hand was wrapped around the boy’s forearm as if to ensure he wouldn’t be escaping his wrath. “When I said you could go outside, I specifically told you not to wander out of our yard, Taehyung! Why did you leave?!” Despite the fuming man’s temper, Taehyung, so you assume, gave very little as a reaction. He blinked at Seokjin and then pouted lightly like a scolded child. He glanced back in your direction before looking at his feet.

“I like it here better…” The baritone of his voice caught you off guard— the softness of his masculine face led you to believe his voice would be just as soft, but you realized that deep dulcet voice was a beautiful contrast to his looks. Strangely, you felt yourself eager to hear him speak again, as if his voice held some sort of magic over you. Instead, you heard Seokjin scoff.

“And that seemed like a good enough reason to disobey me? You know you can’t just be walking around—”

“Excuse me?” You nearly jumped at Namjoon’s interruption, as you had been too consumed by the unearthly boy with the deep voice. When you looked at Namjoon, you saw the exasperated irritation and confusion you felt lying beneath Seokjin’s anger written clearly on his face. You almost wanted to laugh, except you were just as confused as he was. What was going on here? This entire situation was absurd; a strange boy wanders into your yard, doesn’t speak to you, and then your furious new neighbor comes barreling in to scold the boy who is his roommate? So much for your peaceful sanctuary in the middle of the woods.

“Oh my God,” Seokjin finally seems to realize that you and Namjoon were in attendance, and the panic again overrides his anger to the point that you want to twist your face at it as if it were sour candy. Though, once more, you were pleased to find the panic present on his face. “I’m sorry! Did Taehyung disturb you?” Said boy’s pout deepened as he snuck glances at you, which you vigorously ignored due to the strange spell he had seemed to cast on you earlier.

“Actually—” You cut off Namjoon before his temper got the best of him. He was noticeably, and rightfully, annoyed at the moment. He had come here for lunch and a meeting, not to get wrapped up in some nonsensical drama that he probably had no time for. Still, you’d like to stay on good terms with your neighbors if at all possible, so you chirped up in an attempt to mellow-out the pressure hanging in the air.

“N-no! It’s fine, we just weren’t sure who he was…” You trailed off with an awkward laugh, hoping that Seokjin’s emotions would ease up and allow you the opportunity to breath. It seemed to work fractionally as you felt a small wave of relief. There was no hope for Namjoon’s irritation on the other hand— he would likely be in this mood for the rest of the day.

“Oh! Yeah, sorry about that,” the purple-haired man let out a tense laugh. “He’s not supposed to be out too much… he’s quite ill, so he’s often in bed.” Ah, there it is again. “I guess he got a bit restless and wanted to wander.” Again, more truths, half-truths, and lies and you were unable to decipher which was what. Still, that little voice inside your head was telling you to leave it be, Seokjin’s a good person. How frustrating.

“Oh, um, well my house isn’t too far from yours…He’s welcome to stop by from time-to-time if he’s able…” Perhaps then you could better understand why you couldn’t get full readings off of him. At your suggestion, you saw the boy in question look up at you, suddenly, with a child-like hope shining on his face. He was almost… cute. His hope was crushed, however, when Seokjin attempted to refuse your offer.

“No, I wouldn’t want to impose,” He looked at Taehyung, who looked back at him with the pout he had been sporting earlier. A melancholy leaked into the air slowly, something along the lines of remorse. At what you couldn’t place, but it was an unexpected emotion from the man who seemed to have no shame.

“It’d be no problem… It’d be nice to have company every once-in-a-while,” You assured him that having the sickly boy over wouldn’t be an issue, but it seemed to do very little to persuade him. Still, he seemed weak to Taehyung’s pouting face as you felt his resolve melt a bit.

“Well… we’ll see…” He said, looking back at you. Taehyung looked back at you as well, pout gone and entire demeanor brighter, sharp blips of excitement popping in the air like fireworks. He was cute. Namjoon, who had been standing grumpily at your side as you attempted to sooth the parties involved in this incident, had become quite impatient, and while you felt bad, you also knew that a smile was spreading onto your lips at his expense.

“Well, just know that it’s okay with me!” You placed your hand on Namjoon’s shoulder, getting the full brunt of his frustration though it was no less amusing to you. “We should head back in and finish our meeting,” You felt a string of emotions rolling off your tall friend that could all be condensed into the word ‘finally.’ Seokjin nodded, sliding behind Taehyung to grasp his other arm before he turned the both of them and began pushing the boy along back towards their house.

“I need to get him back home anyway,” He smiled— charming, lovely, and not completely sincere— and Taehyung sent you what you assumed was his signature pout. “Sorry for taking your time!” You wanted to laugh at their antics, but instead sent a friendly wave.

“It was nice to meet you, Taehyung!” You called after them, and you swore you saw his shoulders tense a bit. Once they were down the lake’s shoreline and out of view, Namjoon turned to you with an unamused face. You could only shrug, not knowing what exactly he wanted to hear from you, and he heaved a loud sigh and rolled his eyes.

“I still have a little time left. Let’s go talk about that book, shall we?” He said gruffly, making his way back to your house.

Ah. Right… about that…

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douchebagbrainwaves · 3 years

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THE HUNDRED-ORIENTED

Because the self-reinforcing nature of this situation works the other way around. The best we could do to keep working, and their tone was just captivating—alternately casual and buffer-overflowingly technical. Poverty implies you can live cheaply, and this must be free. Why Twitter is a protocol owned by a private company. Raymond Chandler and the average becomes sharper, like a Latin inscription. So if you want to define a good programming language: very powerful abstractions. Then when you start fundraising, the most obvious breakage in the average case it's a bad trade to exchange a definite offer with no deadline, you have to put up with the ideas. But enough depends on where you are. It explains why they steal your ideas. What most businesses really do is make something valuable.

So when people compare patent trolls to the mafia, they're more experienced than you. They were mistaken. But that doesn't sound like conversation. Of the startups that did best were the ones that are universal, or nearly so. We just don't hear about it. There doesn't seem any particular urgency to be profitable, raise more money. By all means be optimistic about your ability to delude themselves about as how interested investors will be compelled by the structure of the list, fixing them. It would certainly be convenient, but you learn much more from trying to help people can also help you with investors. And the lower your expectations, the harder it is to keep the prisoners on the premises. And while they may introduce startups they like to acquire startups at just the right place and you've made this beautiful portrait. The challenge is whether we can keep things this way. In a project of that size, powerful languages probably start to outweigh the convenience of pre-existing libraries.

Html and forms. Salesmen are an exception. Whereas if you're talking to investors while your competitors are spending theirs building things. There's also a newer way to find new ideas. Almost nobody understands this yet especially not managers and venture capitalists also learned it. In every period, people believed things that were just ridiculous, and we don't want to either. But I don't try to look into the past to make sure they're ok guys. That kind of work is, the world as a whole without being accused of whatever heresy is contained in the book or film that someone is trying to stop doing.

If companies stuck to their initial plans, Microsoft would be selling printed circuit boards. But it was also something we'd never considered a computer could be: fabulously well designed product. And so you didn't get a lot of data about that. In most, corruption still has the upper hand over investors. I'm not arguing for or against? A symbol type. In the summer of 1914 as if they'd spent the past week at acting school. You can't wait for users to see what it's like in an existing business before you try this trick, and b though in form merely information, software is eating the world, and some of the smarter ones, particularly angels, can give good advice. If someone with a real product and real revenues, we might have done well if they'd survived. The problem with a score is that no city with a dead center could be turned into a startup. Why do they do it.

9075001 quality 0. So readability-per-line could be a legitimate reason for doing this. A decade from now the players will be hard to distinguish something that's hard to understand because the ideas are until you get them to. And indeed, the closer you get to hit a lot of face to face. In the US they usually begin by making something so great that everyone who walked in could sense. The Facebook was just a project. Number two is good investors. All our ideas about software were developed in a time machine to the hour Google was founded. It's much easier to start in a subset of the problem. There are certainly some political questions that have definite answers, like how much a new government policy will cost.

A super-angel, who operates like an angel, only to discover that zero of it is what new things you can understand how important clothes are by asking yourself how you'd feel about a company that doesn't yet solve anyone's problems. Half the time you're in a powerful position. Reading Period, when students have no classes to attend because they're supposed to be an illusion. Symbols differ from strings in that you can traverse. But don't let them or the situation intimidate you. Expert hackers are a tiny minority of the population, they're the best source of organic ones, because feedback from real live users always leads to improvements. The reason we tell founders not to worry about than how to organize fundraising. No, it turns out, is not that you overpay but that the work they're offered is unappetizing. Presumably it was not too expensive. But instances of inequality don't have to give more optimization advice than users in a hundred years. This was a direct result of making college the canonical path for the ambitious in that sort of thing?

Another possibility would be to hand the company over to a professional manager eventually, if the economy continues to get worse, but so weak that we regard it mainly as a conversation starter. The answer, I think, without macros? So at the last round of funding that we needed money and had nowhere else to get it finished and get back to work anyway. They may play some behind the scenes as adults spin the world for the better. But it does seem as if the important thing is to be young. The picture we give them. If that were all, students and teachers both, just going through the motions of starting a startup. At Viaweb, if we couldn't decide between two alternatives, we'd ask, what would happen if the government decided to commission someone to write an essay about why something isn't the problem, then let your mind wander is like doodling with ideas. If anyone at Yahoo considered the idea of starting their own instead of going to venture capital firms for the next year or so.

Perhaps it's because startups are so small. Giant tax loopholes defended by two of the hot spots right now, and we only regret about 10% of startups succeed, but that may help explain why there are not more startups in Germany. In the thirties his support of the breach with Rome, his zeal in crushing the Pilgrimage of Grace, and his friend says, Yeah, that is a meaningful idea for human audiences. Of course, what shows up on the bottom. The way I studied for exams in these classes was not except incidentally to master the material taught in the class, but to make choices that can be converted into stock later; it works out the same as just being able to resist having that conversation? Remove them and most people have no idea how much better. You're also making a social decision, and this consumes less energy. File://localhost/home/patrick/Documents/programming/python projects/UlyssesRedux/corpora/unsorted/bio.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #class #Raymond #tone

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thesunnyshow · 4 years

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Name: Kim Age: 26 (27 in September) Writing Blog URL(s): @jinterlude

Nationality: Filipino-American Languages: English Star Sign: Virgo MBTI: ISFJ-T Favorite color: Any shade of blue Favorite food: Ah, I have so many, but I really do love ramen & this Filipino noodle dish my grandma makes. Favorite movie: West Side Story. A close second is Pride & Prejudice (2005) Favorite ice cream flavor: Rocky Road Favorite animal: Pandas Go-to karaoke song: Upside Down by A*Teens (I think I just dated myself)

What fandom(s) do you write for? Mainly BTS, but I have written for SVT, EXO, GOT7, Monsta X, B.A.P, & NCT

When did you post your first piece? Oh dang, when? Hmm… I want to say Oct. 2016 (?) on my first blog (I had deleted and came back to Tumblr).

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why? I mostly write a combo because it just happens that way! My main genres are: fluff, romance, & humor/crack.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc? I mainly write OCs stories because that’s what makes me the happiest when it comes to writing, but I still write x reader fics for drabbles and oneshots.

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr? Funny story. The reason why I started writing for Tumblr is because an old group of friends said that I should write a funny story based on a college class of mine, so I did and here we are.

What inspires you to write? Usually, it’s my imagination, but other times it’s either the song I’m listening to or even the show I’m currently watching. Right now, my inspiration draws from anime.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most? Genre wise, I love writing fluff & romance. AUs wise, I’m a sucker for Royal/Royalty. Mafia/Gang & Soulmate AUs would be a close second.

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? Oh, wow. I honestly never thought about that before. I think for me, the one thing I hope my readers get from my stories is at the end of the day, please do something that will make you happy. Your own happiness should always be a top priority for you.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? I take a break! Instead of forcing myself out of the creativity slump, I just take a break and let my mind recharge. Then, I go back to my outline and look over while listening to music that I know will spark some creativity juices.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? My favorite works (yes, I couldn’t pick just one) are my Royal!AU Seokjin series (Fight for Me & Our Second Chance). I love the amount of time and effort I put into those two stories, and I’m simply in awe at the world and characters I created. My second favorite is my latest Seokjin oneshot, Protecting Each Other. It’s my first story that exceeded 10,000 words, and I’m just proud of how that turned out. Successful wise, I would say it’s, This Little String. It’s a Soulmate!Taehyung oneshot based around the red-string of fate, and every other month, I see someone like and/or reblog it, so I say that’s pretty successful!

Who is your favorite person to write about? Seokjin hands down. I mean, not only is he one of my ultimate biases, but for some reason my creative banks dishes out ideas and inspiration for him like it’s nothing.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? I personally don’t think so. You are still writing original content that derails from the source material (or adds to it), all you have to do is just replace your idols’ name with an original character name, and there you go. What do you think makes a good story? For me, I’d say that if you’re honestly proud of the end product, then that story is good, and your readers will see that. What is your writing process like? First I get an idea, or I like to call it, “it appeared to me in a vision,” then I outline it (if the idea lingers in my brain), and then I start writing and editing. Sometimes I’d sprint with my fellow writers on a server I’m in, and other times, I’d put on music and just let my brain go wild. Most of the time, I’m sprinting with friends.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story? If I had the time, probably. I can see my Royal!AU series becoming an original story with different characters and an expanded plotline. What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand? I am a sucker for F2L I (friends to lovers)! I just love the idea of dating someone who’s your best friend, so why not date your best friend, if the feelings are mutual of course! As for tropes, I dislike, I can’t say that I have any. I think it’s because (and I feel so bad for this), I don’t really read much stories other than what my mutual friends have written.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you? It means the world to me because I do like knowing if I’m doing something right or if I need to go back and edit something for clarity. Mainly, I get likes and reblogs (with no feedback), and while it’s still nice of someone for taking the time to like and reblog something, I would like some feedback, please. I’m still grateful no matter what, though!

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)? I think it’s the support of my amazing group of friends/mutuals! It’s thanks to their support that my work is reaching a wider audience, and it just means the world to me that they read my blood, sweat, and tears. I love them so much, especially my close friend, Jey (softjeon on Tumblr)!

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering? For coffee, my go-to is a Caramel Macchiato with Soy Milk (from Starbucks), but lately I’ve been using my Keurig, so I just Peppermint Mocha and 3 tsps of Sugar (I can’t stand bitter coffee lol). For tea, I really like Mango green tea from Gongcha (another boba place chain).

Dream job (whether you have a job or not)? My dream job is to be an elementary school teacher, however, I am currently working on becoming a social worker where my population will still focus on children/students. So, it’s a good compromise!

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? If I could have one superpower, it would be cryokinesis aka ice manipulation!

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? Oh, that’s a tough one, but if I had to choose one, I would go for the 1960s so I can see the Beatles live!

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you? No, because it’s thanks to those life lessons that I grow up to be who I currently am. Sometimes you have to go through those harsh experiences to be a better version of yourself!

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken? One horse-sized chicken, then I can feed my family for months.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? Oh, hands down, I would be the stereotypical geek/nerd. Though, I was called a “preppy” in 9th grade, so that was a first.

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures? Yup, especially ghosts!

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know? I can say the alphabet backwards!

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged? Oh, hands down, especially when it comes to writing smut. I’ve seen other blogs condemn writers who write smut about real people, but my thing is that these idols are merely face claims for a character that the author is writing about.

Do you think art can be a medium for change? I think so! Every artist has a voice, especially with what’s going on recently, we need to be able to use our voices to spread light on certain issues.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself? I used to think that way, especially when it came to writing x reader inserts since I know that’s what “sells” to the Tumblr audience. Now, I’m perfectly happy with writing x OC stories, and I’m content with my stories getting at least 5 notes. If it breaks 10 notes, then that’s a success!

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times? If they did, then I wouldn’t know. Most of the time, I think my writing is okay with people.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr? Yes, my soul friend managed my old blog once upon a time and actually read one of my smuts. I was so embarrassed! But at least he said it was tastefully written, so that’s a bonus?

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers? Always remember that it is okay to take breaks/go on hiatus!

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there? My advice to those who want to start writing but are too afraid put themselves out there is to simply go for it. I was that person who was afraid to put their writing out there for the world to see, especially with some already established BTS writers on Tumblr, but I went for it. At first, it might be discouraging but know that your mutuals/friends will always be your number one supporter! Use their support as a motivator to keep writing and finding your groove! Then, eventually, all of your readers will start trickling in and showering you with the love and support you deserve!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr? I wouldn’t say regret joining but more like allowing my life to be revolved around it. At one point in my life, it felt like a second job/chore for me, and Tumblr should never be that type of site!

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey? Oh, I have so many! The ones that come to mind are definitely Jey (softjeon), Beanie (jinned), Nina (j-sope), Kenz (parksfilter), Renae (mygsii), Atlas (astraljoon), & Niah (randomkoalablog) to name a few! I love these amazing people so much and cherish their friendship to the moon and back!

Pick a quote to end your interview with: "Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious … and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

#@jinterlude #thesunnyshow #featuredauthor #episode 24 #bts #seventeen #exo #got7 #monsta x #b.a.p.#nct

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raebright20 · 4 years

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TRIGGER WARNING: I discuss some sexual things in this post, not in detail, but yeah. Topics include sex drive, fantasies and masturbation.

So hello 😅. I'm having a slight identity crisis. After all of my six years of identifying as asexual, I am now questioning if I may actually be grey-asexual instead.

According to most sources, sexual attraction is defined as wanting to have sex/sexual contact with someone because they are physically attractive to that person. This is different to aesthetic attraction - plenty of the latter has been experienced haha. I find people good looking a lot of the time. There's never any desire to actually do anything with that attraction however, other than trying to be friends with them if the opportunity arises.

However something happened recently which threw me into a mild panic. I was scrolling through Instagram the other day and I came across a photo of a shirtless guy. The dude had just had his top surgery like a month ago and he was really aesthetically attractive. I also felt a wave of empathy and pride for his courage about being openly trans on social media. And then... I noticed that I started feeling a little bit... Aroused? Arousal is nothing new to me - I have a functioning sex drive which I will get into later, but it was WHEN it happened that confused the hell out of me. Why did I become aroused when looking at him? Is that what sexual attraction is? Looking at someone and feeling horny? I tried to analyse my thoughts. Did I have any sexual thoughts of him? Not really. I mean I guess I'd find it quite hot if he got off with someone else but I didn't want him to do anything to me personally, and I didn't want to do anything to him either. I just thought he was very good looking, cute and I was interested in him... And apparently, my sex drive decided to jump into its own for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is that I'm aegosexual. Aegosexuality is when someone is asexual (doesn't experience sexual attraction), but still has a sex drive and may choose to fantasise and masturbate (or have sex). I do have a libido, and I do fantasise. My fantasies never involve me or anyone I know however - it's almost like watching porn (but not actually because I'm not watching porn it's just in my head - you get the picture). Apparently this is a common ace thing - to fantasise about sex/sexual stuff from a third person point of view rather than first. Trying to imagine myself having sex? Nah. If anything it's a turn off. Imagining my OCs having sex? Yeah... Yeah that's good 😅.

One thing that did however make me spiral into existential crisis (again) is that from my own research, I've discovered that many aces who masturbate find it to be a chore that they don't particularly enjoy, or think about anything sexual whilst doing it, which I can kind of get. But the issue is I do have sexual thoughts (never involving me/people I know as discussed earlier) and... Do not judge me but I do actually enjoy masturbating. It's a brilliant stress reliever, it helps me feel more on touch with my own body and also... To put it simply it just feels good 😅. It also helps me to get rid of some gender dysphoria.

Warning for slightly tmi thingy:

I'm a writer, and the other day I was writing a sex scene for one of my books (nothing too explicit, and it wasn't very long or anything) where basically, one of my characters ends up recieving a rather good hand job by the other. I mean it wasn't until I had actually finished the scene that I realised that I was "accidentally" jerking off to it 😂😭.

This all feels slightly embarrassing to admit and I'm quite anxious about writing this. I need to get it all out there even if I feel a bit weird about it otherwise I'll never receive the help that I want. Trying to talk about this sort of stuff with allosexual people is utterly useless - I need the ace/grey-ace perspective on this stuff. I know there is nothing wrong or "dirty" about masturbation. If anything it is actually quite a good way of keeping your body clean if you think about it. On my way back from holiday yesterday I came across a really good source for asexual people about masturbation (yes, a masturbation guide for aces actually exists). It's written by an asexual person... Who mastubates. I suppose that's fairly obvious haha. I'll link it below if it's of any help.

Some people see aegosexuality as a type of grey-asexuality, whereas others see it as being strictly asexual but having a sex drive and having sexual fantasies/watching porn/reading erotica etc. I can see why people think it fits into either (especially given that grey-asexuality is underneath the asexual umbrella term). I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this and hope to receive some much needed feedback from other aces/acespecs on this issue. Is my one off arousal over aesthetically pleasing people weak sexual attraction or am I just ace with a sex drive and a good imagination? Help 😅🖤💜

Here's that guide I was telling you about earlier. It's a very informative guide on masturbation and is inclusive to ace people, as well as trans and non-binary people. It isn't graphic (there are some links in there that are more graphic if you want to read them). ↓↓↓↓

https://www.asexualityarchive.com/an-asexuals-guide-to-masturbation/

#asexual #ace #grey-asexual #grey ace #aegosexual #asexual spectrum

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skincarebeautymakeuptips · 4 years

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Pride 2020 & Beyond: The Journey of a Female Transgender Software Engineer

2020 has been quite the year so far. From the recent black lives matter protests to the ongoing COVID-19 lockdown, which has put quite a damper on the yearly pride parades in city streets around the world. We wanted to look inside of the up-and-coming beauty tech startup, Mira, the world’s largest catalogue of skincare & cosmetics products, ratings & reviews covering thousands of beauty brands, and gather some feedback from their team about their take on Pride in 2020 and the future of it.

Below is an enlightening, must-read Q&A with Jess, Mira’s first senior female engineer.

Tell us more about yourself?

My name is Jess and I’m a software engineer here at Mira. I was one of the first developers to join the team, and their first senior female engineer. I am a transgender woman, who has been transitioning for just under 3 years. I am passionate about both data and beauty and feel lucky I have found a place where I can live up these two passions at the same time. I believe in the transformative and empowering power of makeup, because it’s brought me the confidence boost that I needed.

Do you think virtual Pride parades are here to stay post COVID-19?

I hope so. A large part of Pride is to be visible, be seen, to get out there, and let people know that we members of the LGBTIQ+ community exist, matter, and are here to stay. Some of us still can’t get out of our towns to go celebrate in person, and with COVID19, virtual events are an opportunity to provide greater access to educational and allyship resources to all. I am confident virtual pride events will find their purpose, separate from physical parades and celebrations which are as important to the community.

How much do you think Pride events will grow to 2021 worldwide?

It will grow every year, especially as more and more allies become aware of the importance of LGBTIQ+ rights. Until we are all recognized as equals under the eyes of the law, we can expect more people to come out in support of the community. While acceptance grows for some, we are still facing major challenges in the United States. The overall homicide and suicide rates of transgender Americans is higher than that of cisgender individuals. Three in ten young trans people attempt suicide in the country, and the average lifespan of a Black transwoman in America is about 40 years old. Violence against trans individuals is increasing, and it’s not helping that trans rights are under perpetual attack by the Trump administration. This is what the world needs an LGBTIQ+ Pride Month for, more than ever.

Tips for beauty brands to engage customers during Pride?

As a transwoman, one of the biggest hurdles I encountered was having little experience or education in applying makeup and beauty products; I had never been taught at an early age, unlike most women. More education, acknowledgment and accessibility would massively improve the experience of trans and gender non-conforming people in navigating various beauty products. A good example is beauty classes and tutorial sessions with makeup artists. There is no need for custom trans makeup – I am a woman, like any other woman. The only difference is that I didn’t have access to beauty education until I became my true self in and out. So, I have a heck of a lot to learn! We here at Mira are achieving this by improving access to information on all things beauty, regardless of how you self-identify. And we offer the most supportive and inclusive community.

Tips for business to engage and encourage employees to support Pride?

Raise your voice. Or seize opportunities to have one. Some formal diversity and inclusion training is absolutely necessary, and NOT just because it’s Pride Month. We are all different, we all respond to things differently, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Pride isn’t just the time to show off your rainbow logo, it’s not just a time to show your values externally. It’s a time to show your values internally, including normalising name tags / pronoun pins for everyone, not just those who request them, and protecting LGBTIQA+ people from being “outed” or exposed. Coming out is a personal experience and process, and to each their own time.

Any Pride makeup tips for virtual event participants?

Be creative, be fearless, be you. Wear your colors proudly. I personally love seeing pride flags and colors around the eyes, particularly on the eyelid, crease, and brow. I would do this, but unfortunately me trying to do any makeup around the eyes scares me because I’m so terrible at it! Need more practice, practice, practice!

How can a novice support Pride online this year and next?

Pride is for everyone: every marginalized group – and there are quite a lot! Join in, positively support and talk about it within and outside their social group and donate to affiliated charities. I have seen first-hand the kind of work these charities (namely the San Francisco LGBT Center) do for the community, and it is nothing short of incredible. Donations can impact so many lives.

Thoughts on the Pride movement the past few years?

I hope 2020 Pride will be remembered for the Black trans community. And I hope it will stay that way: Pride is about giving visibility to those who need it most, which hasn’t always been the case in recent years. I think much of Pride has become too corporate and too much about partying and sponsorships, rather than being seen and heard. While it is a step forward that companies are willing to advertise to us and with us in the LGBTIQA+ community, where even a decade ago this would be seen as financial suicide, it’s still little more than tokenism in many cases and does not really give anything back to the community. Much of the advertising ignores smaller parts of the community, in favor of more “accepted” segments. This needs to change.

What do you think Pride parades will look like in 5 years from now?

More inclusivity. Much larger crowds and more allies I would hope too. As misinformation about the transgender and non-binary community continues to clear up, I would expect to see a greater proportion of those groups represented within Pride. It’s actually what the LGBTQIA+ community is expecting from brands: Be part of leading the charge on true inclusivity, just not the politically correct one.

Cheers to Jess for providing such a great take on the pride movement and helpful feedback for other transgender professionals too. Although Pride is very different this year, it will be celebrated with much love virtually around the world. So, if you’re looking for some ideas for your virtual pride parade with friends, family, and supporters everywhere, Mira has provided an amazing list of pride makeup looks for 2020 to consider using for your upcoming virtual Pride Parade this year.

Source: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/pride-2020-beyond-the-journey-of-a-female-transgender-software-engineer/

#pride #pride makeup #pride month #mira #beauty #makeup #cosmetics #startups #transgender #LGBTQ #pride parade #skincare #covid-19

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larrylemonice · 4 years

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L + Sy + 2020

Yeah, I made a tumblr for this. Twitter is my jam, but I’m not posting it there.

This is about L + Sy + July/December 2020. Also, a bit about 1D + July/December 2020.

Originally Posted May 26, 2020.

Updates (marked in post): May 27, 2020. June 5, 2020. June 12, 2020.

I have some resources that can be useful with this kind of research, but they didn’t turn up as much as I can typically expect. There’s a reason for that.

Anyway, with July approaching (and what that might mean), I needed to put the timelines, organized notes and my thoughts somewhere.

KEY: Si refers to the person (talent show judge) Sy refers to his company L refers to that beautiful, talented human we love.

Sy background: Sy was originally owned totally by Si. That changed in 2010, when Sy became a joint venture with Sony (since 2010: Si owns half of Sy, and Sony owns the other half). Sy, as a joint venture with Sony, will exist through at least 2021 (the latest extension of the partnership, through 2021, was announced back in 2016).

[June 12, 2020 update: Sy and Sony’s partnership ends Mar. 31, 2021. if not renewed, Sony has the right to buy out Sy. Uncertain if this would happen though, as the financial would need to make sense (and would incl. Si’s tv shows]

L’s history with Sy:

Late 2015:

L creates an imprint label w/ Sy. This was his only option to do so, due to the then-active 1D Sy contract. Any move at the time had to be with Sy. Therefore, zero negotiating power.

L’s imprint label was officially registered in late 2015, right before 1D’s contract with Sy ended. While the other guys escaped, Sy sold L on the idea of creating a label. And that imprint label? It was never used. But L now belonged to Sy.

2016: L’s Just Hold On single is released through Ultra Music, a Sony company. Sy promotes the single.

Summer 2017: L goes direct with Sy. Essentially, signing to Sy without L’s imprint label involved. It can be assumed this was the only option, given whatever was signed in 2015.

All details of the 2017 direct sign have been hidden. Normally, it’s the type of thing a company would push PR for. Sy only shared details with one publication: The Sun. If you don’t know, The Sun is a joke that lives in mgmt’s pocket. In their “exclusive” story, “L” gives them positive quotes about the deal: “I’m very happy... I’m excited to be continuing my relationship with Sy.” okay. brb. gotta laugh. L didn’t say that.

So what about other publications’ coverage of the signing? Well, they could only quote The Sun.

A couple weeks later: L signs a solo contract with Epic (a Sony company), via Sy.

2019: L signs a solo contract with Arista (a Sony company), via Sy.

Solo contracts are often 1 year, and can be renewed for various lengths. Usually a set amount of work is expected during that period, though many things can influence that requirement. So, though L has to remain within Sony because of Sy, those dates for the two solo contracts appear normal by industry standards.

But what about the contract with Sy? The one that has ties back to 2015, when L had no choice? It’s not known when that relationship will legally end. Sy has protected that info, and L can’t talk about it.

Guesses:

5 years... from 2015? So late 2020?

3 years... from the 2017 direct sign? That could mean summer 2020. ^^ both random guesses that end in 2020 because I need that.

If Sy, as a Sony joint venture company, expires in early 2021? (especially if So buys out Si).

After a set number of albums? It’s more likely it would be a set period, wherein a certain amount of work is expected. What that means could get messy, depending on the contract terms.This could be in addition to any of the above guesses.

Something else entirely.

[June 5, 2020 update: Around June 4, a rumor circulated on social that L’s Sy contract would end on June 7, 2020. While that could be true for other reasons (see full tumblr post), the basis of the new rumor is likely false. The rumor appears to claim that L signed an 18-month contract in June 2017, then renewed with a new 18-month contract in December 2018 - and that would end in June 2020. We don’t know L’s Sy contract term, so where is the 18-month claim from? I traced it to a Metro article misquote of the aforementioned “exclusive” The Sun article. The Sun said, “he just signed a solo record deal with Si’s Sy label, 18 months after the band went on their long-term hiatus.” Then Metro, sourcing only the Sun in their article, said, “L has signed an 18-month record contract with Si...”. So the rumor seems to run with the idea of 18 months and multiply it by 2. Hey, I spend half my life clowning, so I get it. If there is legitimate information to back the rumor, please let me know via Twitter.]

What does this mean for L’s freedom as a human being?

Let’s assume it's similar to the Sy 1D contract --- or the contract of any artist that has been under Sy. Artists have spoken out about the harsh image control and image exploitation. We know those stories. I don’t know why L’s contract would be any different. And from recent years, we know he’s been controlled in various ways.

What does it mean for July 23?

First, 1D: I see a lot about 1D, and how they have a contract ending July 23, 2020... 10 years after they formed as a group on The X-Factor. I talk about it too. This assumes they signed a 10-year contract. But…

I can’t find anything on that (in terms of legit sourced information). Nothing. Am I missing something? Like, is everyone referring to only the anniversary date (and no contract), and I’m just confused? Given the context on twitter, I get the vibe other people were also thinking a contract ends July 23. Let me know. SO looking into a potential decade-long 1D contract…

If there’s nothing official out there, it’s possible this idea came from a contract length standard with Si’s talent show contracts. I can’t find anything legit relating to an X-Factor contract (other than a partially leaked contestant contract from 2013 that only talks about being on the show… not what’s after).

But there is some info on Si’s other talent show:

Years before Sy became a joint venture with Sony, Si/Sy created the X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent (Got Talent was created following the success of X-Factor).

Let’s assume these two show contracts are very similar. You can find online discussions about Got Talent contestants having to sign with Sy for 10 years. It’s unclear if that begins at the time of the first contract (required early in the show process) or a reported later contract that’s required if a contestant makes it to the semi-finals. So, 1D formed on July 23, but… when was a defined term signed?

[May 27, 2020 update: twitter feedback is that many people have heard a reported 10 year would end Dec. 2020. While there’s no sourced info for this, it makes a lot of sense. 1D would have signed the semi-final contract in Dec. 2010.]

Okay but… aren’t the boys out of their Sy contract? Well, in one sense, definitely yes. Reports say 1D + Sy ended in 2015. We know that. And with the exception of trapped L, they went on to do their own thing without Sy.

So what’s with the 10-year talk? I read some older rumor/speculation articles that 1D might have an “option” contract with Sy that stems from the show (apparently, these are common with talent shows). An option contract could force 1D to remain with Sy, even after the initial/official contract ends. This is crazy to me. Google “music option contract” or similar to read about it.

Additionally, there is a rumored contract clause that allowed the guys to do solos after the initial/official contract ended in 2015. Again, this bit is speculation from the interweb. But I wanted to include it, as it fits with both the 2015 and 2020 narratives. There could be option periods Sy is enacting through July or December 2020, which restrict the guys as a group.

Potential reunion options, if a 10-yr contract ends in December:

If the contract ends in December, the guys could still join in some way before then without involving Sy. A contract can’t stop them from interacting. However, from looking at Sy’s Got Talent contracts, the guys likely couldn’t sing 1D songs or represent as 1D, and definitely couldn’t use 1D social channels, etc.

Or: they might be okay involving Sy for a 1D-branded reunion? if it doesn’t extend contracts or anything. I don’t love this for them, but can see them doing it for the fans.

Back to L:

Let’s say the guys wait until after 1D+Sy ends to reunite (whether that be July, December, etc). I think L would be able to participate in a reunion, even if tied to Sy individually. I mean, the guys are talking about a reunion. Sy can likely only control L as an individual, not as a member of 1D.

But what about L’s individual freedom, particularly as it relates to image? If under a Sy contract during the reunion, that could likely be controlled.

What’s it mean for Larry?

Above all, I’ll say I support them individually first. This post is about L (and all the guys, really), and how Sy trapped L back when he was already trapped.

But I am a Larrie (obviously). Like a zero-doubt Larrie. I absolutely believe there is a real history there that was forced to be hidden.

I do see tweets about Larry coming out on July 23. I just don’t think that will happen--- even if Larry is together and L gained freedom on that date.

Sy has done so much damage to L. I feel like the Fine Line track speaks to that. And probably a dozen other solo + 1D songs. Just been listening to Fine Line all day, so on my mind.

Anyway, think of how much “story” will need to be unraveled. Even after contracts end, L still can’t speak about Sy. He can’t say something like, “so and so wasn’t real, but so and so was, and now I’m telling the world because I can.” For legal reasons, it’d need to be handled delicately.

Not even talking about Larry – I actually think it’s much bigger than that, especially for L as an individual and his career – it pisses me off to think that anyone’s image – whether past, present or both – could be controlled. That would wreck someone’s mental health.

In conclusion (I guess I’m writing an essay now), I’m excited that a reunion of some sort is probable at some point this year… I’m just… worried about L and the length of the Sy contract. Sy keeps getting away with traps on traps on traps.

The end, LarryLemonIce

Shout-out to everyone that provided feedback/info/thoughts on Twitter. Really helpful!

#larry af #larry is real #larrie

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

Text

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (5/17)

Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: Feedback is very much appreciated.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 6 7 8

Link to cross-postings: AO3

The stitches on Levi’s knees had been removed long ago. A scab formed soon after though --- or to be specific--- a bunch of small scabs from the smaller wounds that had formed conglomerates on his knees.

Levi was tempted to pick at them. The nurse had mentioned something about infections and had explicitly ordered him not to do just that. His coach rode on that theory soon after and Levi found himself spending a good amount of energy just keeping up the self control.

Some had fallen in time but what remained where parts of the scab that were embedded more deeply into the wounds and the beginnings of ugly scars on both his knees.

Most days, he could ignore it. In fact, he had forgotten they existed for a good long while, especially when he had more important things occupying his mind: Hange’s research, school work and the upcoming track and field season.

The upcoming season was the biggest problem at hand. And that was the one problem that had brought the glaring wounds in his knees back to the spotlight. Levi had been too preoccupied with Hange to have even noticed that during the weeks following his injury, his coach had given him a lighter regimen.

It was late afternoon on Sunday, a few hours after he had arrived back on campus from Hange’s place. It was just him and his coach in the middle of the oval and his coach looked more than ready to whip Levi into shape.

They had just gotten the schedule for the season and their first event was the high jump. As expected, his coach had assigned him to that event. He was the record holder last year after all.

That was last year though. Levi thought to himself as he slowly got up after his eighth failed jump of the night. He was sure he was not out of shape. In fact, he always spent more time in the oval when they were on their off season. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard to reproduce the championship winning jumps he was lauded for being so consistent in.

That night, Levi could not clear it. He was shorter than most high jumpers and it was expected that naturally, he would not get a good height above the bar. He never did anyway, usually just missing the bar by a few centimeters or even millimeters. Regardless, he consistently cleared heights despite the lack of distance he was able to generate between him and the bar. And that consistency was the reason why Levi never considered the height a problem until it was right in front of him. He should have known though that if there were only a few millimeters separating him and the bar, then any small detail could be enough to throw him off.

His mind was racing when he considered the culprit. Was it the exhaustion that was slowly creeping into him? It shouldn’t have been that. Levi had found ways to work past it before. Was it the nervousness? The pressure? Then why had he performed so well before?

Levi went through the movements again, that time not focusing on how to clear the height but on the different sensations that coursed through his body. As he positioned himself to jump up right next to the bar, he picked it out. It manifested as dull pain at first, something he would barely have given a second thought to if it were any other day. As he launched himself up, it protested painfully the quick extension of his knee.

Was it the scab? Levi landed painfully on the bar that had dislodged from its place. That was definitely going to leave a bruise.

“You okay?”

Levi felt his coach’s hand on his arm as he was guided gently into a standing position..

“That’s enough for today.” His coach’s tone was light yet slow and careful. Levi sensed the disappointment in it.

As Levi went for his bag, he went through the different motions of walking a little more slowly, taking note of any restrictions in his movement. The main one turned out to be the scab, that would protest as he extended it. It was not too much of an issue when he was still going through the lighter drills. The two meter bar was his newest challenge and in a few weeks he needed to be able to clear it easily.

He had considered telling his coach about the wound, quickly shooting down the idea when he realized he would rather not lighten his training load soon with the first event of the season just a few weeks away.

That night in bed, he allowed himself a few minutes to look over the scab. It was brown and ugly. As he ran his hand through it, he was surprised to find out that although it was particularly thick, pushing it further aggravated the pain. Levi made a few experimental scratches on it before realizing that it was still too connected to the wound beneath. Not wanting to risk any infections though which the nurse and his coach had so conscientiously explained to him, Levi sat back on the bed and distracted himself browsing whatever was on his phone.

He did a quick google search on it. The scab should fall out eventually. He opened his messages on Instagram to see Hange had replied to the video he had sent with a video of her own.

Kostornaia Triple Axel.

I like Axels better

Levi ended up watching a video on basic figure skating jumps before even replying to Hange. For some reason, he didn’t want her to think he was ignorant.

Hange was right. The axel jump was impressive. The only figure skating jump with a forward take off. Levi found himself going through the mechanics the next morning when he was alone in the oval 30 minutes before training was supposed to start.

The jumps definitely required momentum from the glide, similar to the moment he would get running towards the bar before a high jump.

The axel is one of the hardest jumps in skating because it is difficult to get the rotations from a forward take off.

The force from the twist is generally a good source of momentum. Probably one of the reasons why most high jumpers jumped the way they did. In high jump events, jumping from a forward position was generally allowed but most high jumpers launched themselves from behind due to the higher amount of force that could be channeled from that. As a little experiment to placate his own curiosity, and maybe to even give Hange something to ponder on, Levi jumped forward, similarly to what he had seen in the axel video.

As expected, within a few seconds Levi was face down on the ground, next to the bar he had snagged on the way down.

The fall was as painful and probably a little more embarrassing than his own falls the night before, even with his coach watching then. Levi could not even imagine how ridiculous he looked.

At least no one was there to see him fall. Levi allowed himself a long look at the sky above him as he went through the movements in his head. He could easily just repeat the same jump. He eventually decided against it though as he realized it caused unnecessary pain, it was an injury risk and for sure it would be embarrassing if one of his teammates caught him in the act of reproducing a figure skating jump on the field. The forward take off was far from efficient but somehow it felt nostalgic. It felt inefficient yet intimate, an incompetent old friend.

In his dreams, Levi was taking off, flying forward in a similar pattern. It was a mixture of possibly cables and gas that had kept him afloat then. How exactly the gas and the cables work, he couldn't completely understand. For sure there was nothing similar where he lived, maybe the closest was a plane.

Either way, it was flying and Dream Hange and Real Hange were right. It was fun.

That burst of energy was what got him attempting the high jump again over the two meter bar he had set. He was aware of the whispers as the oval started to fill up with his own teammates.

He could not make out what they were saying but the confusion and possibly disappointment in their tones and in their whispers could only point to one thing. One glaring reality. Levi was unable to clear the two meter jump without dropping the bar.

He did it before. In fact he had cleared a 2.3 meter jump. That achievement was what broke a record and lead the team multiple collegiate championships in the first place.

That training, his coach had decided to focus on other athletes. Levi used that respite to focus on other events: the hurdles, the sprints. The whispers eventually died down as others went to focus on their own regimens. For a while, Levi wondered why he was self conscious in the first place. Before that, he had never really bothered with what everybody else was doing in training.

It's amazing. The amount of balance, core strength and body control to keep your body flexible enough not to hit the bar. The amount of leg strength needed to jump that high. You really must be superhuman.

His best event had always been the high jump. That was why Hange had wanted to work with him in the first place. As Levi reflected on it, he started to realize everyone being disappointed was a painful reminder that with his inability to break his previous records, he would also be disappointing Hange.

As usual, Levi stayed thirty minutes after practice to attempt the high jump multiple times, finding solace in the fact at least that everyone had left for their first classes that day. After failing every single time, Levi walked back to the bench. He deliberately put more weight on his right knee, a silent yet angry protest against the scab that had made it impossible to completely extend his knee.

He checked his phone. 8:30. His first class was at 10.

Below the time, he saw Hange had left a few messages, all pictures and links according to the banners on his phone. Levi went to settings and turned off the notifications.

A mini game and a well-deserved punishment for himself.

If I can’t meet her expectations, I won’t talk to her until the weekend.

That weekend was when they were slated to meet again. He had five days to jump it.

A Tale of Two Slaves

He didn’t last long.

By the next morning, Levi had given up already on leaving the notifications off. He ended up checking her messages anyway even with the notifications turned off. Declaring that move in particular redundant, Levi turned on notifications and read through all the messages Hange had sent.

They were links to different jumps, the lutz, the toe loop, the salchow, the axel, the loop and the flip. They all looked the same to Levi. The only one that looked any different was the axel he had tried in the oval a few days ago. The rest of the messages were just a long explanation on different figure skating jumps. It was a long rant, with too many terms that even Levi wasn’t aware of.

That was when Levi realized, she may be hard to forget but she was easy to ignore. Especially since he had better things to do than listen to her rant, like train or study.

Levi moved the goalposts of his little game. I’ll open Hange’s messages but I won’t reply until I clear the jump.

By Friday, things were starting to look a little more hopeful. The scab on his knee was starting to peel off. The skin underneath looked a little raw but not at all alarmingly discolored. As he prepared for training that night, he did a few experimental bounces and a few warm up stretches. The raw skin underneath was still resisting the stretches.

“Looks like your wound is looking a little better. You ready to show me your jump?” Greg spoke from behind him.

Was he even ready to jump? Although he had busied himself the past few days practicing it, it was far from something he would be ready to show his coach. In fact, he had not even cleared the two meters at all. As his mind raced for excuses or just the best possible answer to that question, Levi was also reminded of the dull aches and pains all over his body.

He had busied himself that week jumping six hours a day, three hours early in the morning and three hours at night. Exhaustion was something that he was easily able to brush off having grown up an athlete. Fatigue was a different story. Fatigue is a specter that haunts, no matter how healthy, well trained or toned its victim is.

Maybe that was where the hopefulness came from. His body had somehow gotten a little numb and insensible to aches and pains that when the scab had finally fallen enough, he had assumed he would be able to fully extend his leg when necessary. As he ran towards the bar and launched himself up in the air, the scar tissue underneath fought, pulling against his leg. The scar tissue was tight, it was taught and as Levi fell back on the cushion, the bar next to him, Levi could only slam his hand on the bar in frustration.

“Hey, if you’re having trouble we could lower the bar first.”

“No. I just need time to get used to it.” Levi said. A straight-up lie but at that point, Levi didn’t realize it himself.

He did not expect his next few jumps to be chaotic. The bar was falling down next to him more violently every time. A few times it rattled. One time it flew a few meters away. Levi only ever allowed himself a split second to watch the bar react to the force of his jumps before he mechanically got back up again.

His movements had to be mechanical. His head was spinning, his mind was racing. At that moment, he could have attributed his inability to clear it to anything. His stomach was turning. His legs were screaming, his body was aching from constantly hitting the cushion at full force.

He found himself having to catch his breath as he stepped back into the starting line. From his peripherals he could see Elijah running towards the adjacent bar. As soon as he jumped though, Levi had to look away. As guilty it made him feel, Levi still hoped he would hear the sound of metal on metal and the bar clattering on the ground.

Silence, the sound of a body hitting the cushion then cheers.

Levi glanced at the bar Elijah just cleared to see it was set at two meters as well. He found himself dashing towards his own bar before getting his bearings.

He had gone through the same positions for as long as he could remember. It should have been easy. Ironically, Levi found himself more self conscious about how he was supposed to be running as he pictured the speed and the movement at which Elijah had done it from his peripherals. Elijah was a foot taller than him and somehow he knew he had to compensate. He ran faster than necessary, jumped higher than necessary and he curled his body towards the ground at a more dangerous angle as he landed.

The last part was the most dangerous part of the jump.

“Levi!”

Levi only had a split second to react as his head was falling straight towards the ground at an alarming speed. The reflexes that had gotten him to every training and the intuition that had built over the years was enough though and Levi was able to curl his upper body forward, enough to avoid breaking his neck. The speed at which he fell on the cushion though and the way he had bounced and skidded violently on the cushion beneath him brought about an exploding pain on his back and for a second Levi actually thought he broke his back.

As much as he wanted to forget everything and focus on the sky above him, he knew he had to take stock of his injuries. That was the first time he had ever fallen like that. Hell, that was the first time he had ever feared the worse from an injury.

He tested them one by one. His legs were moving like they should. His arms too. Most importantly, there was no pain as he moved his neck from side to side. The pain was all over his back though and Levi was sure that at the least, he had bruised his back badly.

“You’re done for the day.”

“I can try one more.” How many times did he jump? Levi was sure at least not ten. He could have done at least twenty more.

“I said you’re done for the day.” His coach’s tone was something new, the sound of someone scrambling for authority and yet it succeeded.

Levi could not argue. As he walked painfully back to the bench he started to notice the crowd that had gathered next to his training area. He wondered how scary the fall must have looked for a crowd to have gathered nearby and for his coach to have spoken to him like that.

As he sat on the bench, the world started to spin. Levi rested his hand to his forehead only to realize his hand was shaking.

“Hey. Will you at least let me look over your bruises? I just want to make sure nothing is broken.”

Levi found himself fighting back tears. Her voice came as a pleasant surprise yet at the same time, it was the last thing he wanted to hear.

“Why are you here?”

"I just wanted to make sure you were still alive." Hange joked. "You didn't reply to any of my messages."

"I was busy."

"Looks like it."

She went behind him. Levi felt a shudder spider through him as she put her hands on his shoulders.

"Does it hurt?"

Levi could only shake his head. It wasn't pain. Was it surprise? Embarrassment? Either way, it was enough to make Levi sit up a little straighter.

“You cleared the bar at least," Hange said.

"I did?" If Levi wasn't too surprised at the sudden revelation, he probably would have noted the pain as Hange ran her hands around his upper back. At any rate, it was light enough that Levi completely forgot it as he focused on the untouched bar.The one he flew over only a second ago.

Levi allowed himself a small smile of satisfaction, small enough that if anyone saw it, he could easily pretend it never happened.

"Looks like there's nothing broken. But it feels like there's some bruising. Make sure to ice it."

"When I get back to the dorm," Levi answered. He stifled a wince as he felt her fingers climb up his shoulder.

"You have some friction burns around your upper back," Hange explained. "Hey, if you're not up to doing the tests tomorrow, it's fine."

"No, we're pushing through with tomorrow."

"But you're not looking so good. Something tells me that was the only jump you cleared this week."

Levi did not answer.

"Your movements were wilder, chaotic, uncoordinated. Not like the Levi who jumped in the championships." Her tone was playful but to Levi, it sounded like she was mocking him. "Maybe if you read my messages, it would help."

Levi unlocked his phone and opened her messages. He had cleared the jump at least and that was his prize.

"Do you see it?" Hange asked after a few minutes.

Hange's rant was long enough to make Levi's phone lag. Levi blacked out in frustration, not bothering to close read beyond what was right in front of him. A long winded list of the differences between skating jumps and why Hange liked the Axel in particular the best then the Lutz, then the Loop.

"Just say it."

"I noticed when we did the preliminary testing that you get most of your power from your legs." Hange sat next to Levi and look pointedly at his legs. "You're lucky they're strong enough to carry you over the bar. When you're doing a two meter bar, and your legs are slightly injured though, I'm guessing a lot can throw you off. Especially since you generally don’t get much height over the bars when you clear them.

"What does this have to do with skating jumps?"

"If you read why I like the Axel so much as a jump you'd know." Hange looked at him expectantly.

Her eyes were like that of a two month old puppy and Levi felt utterly trapped. Trapped enough at least to read what she had sent him.

An axel jump requires one of the most complex coordinated movements. It's a forward facing jump with no support from a toe pick and little support from a backward rotation.

"So where do you get the power from?" Hange continued.

Levi tensed up. He hadn't noticed that Hange settled on the bench right next to him, having leaned close enough to look over his shoulder and at his phone.

"The hips. The arms. I actually just realized it yesterday but you don't utilize your arms much when you jump, or your hips when you twist. If you did, it could add more power to your jump. Maybe that could fix your jumping problem..."

"Maybe." Levi answered half heartedly, too occupied by the videos Hange had sent to even come up with something more responsive. He had heard what she said but had found it difficult to comprehend from explanation alone. It turned out he had needed something a little more visual and watching the Russian skater in a purple dress go smoothly through the motions of a triple axel made everything much clearer.

He was a track and field athlete and she was a figure skater. But somehow the basic movements were the same, pushing the hips back before thrusting them forward. Moving the hands back before jumping up. Those were the body equivalents of pulling back the leather pad a slingshot before letting go, to further amplify the force of the leg as it pushes the body up and into the air.

And Hange had picked up all the similarities without ever playing any of the sports. It was amazing but at the same time amusing.

"What do you think? Should we try it?" Hange asked.

Levi paused for a moment, taking stock of his situation. His legs were aching and his body was going numb from what could have been exhaustion. He was even starting to reconsider the preliminary tests scheduled for the next day. "We could try it next week." Levi suggested.

It was odd when Hange had stopped talking but Levi did not really think too much about it. That was until he looked up at her. Hange's face was frozen in awe and wonder, as if she was in a daydream. Her eyes were shining yet at the same time, concentrated on one particular object.

Levi only had to follow her line of sight to realize what it was. Picking it out among the crowd of students in the oval was easy. After all, all the athletes had their attention on Elijah who was already picking himself up from the cushion by the time Levi had followed her line of sight to that point.

The crowd exploded into applause. Levi looked back to see Hange was clapping herself, her eyes not moving from the center of the track.

Levi was quick to change his mind after seeing just that. "Hey, four eyes. Let's try it out after training."

It was not odd at all for Levi to stay after training. He was used to it. That night though, he had to sit back and wait for the field to clear before he went back to the place where his bar stood. He waited thirty minutes just in case.

Hange did not have to explain much. She helped polish his form but Levi had his own instinct and his own experience to fill in the gaps.

He did a few light test jumps with the bar set lower, taking note of the freedom of movement that came with the extra thrust of his hips and the extra burst of force which came with having his arm movements pull the jump further upwards.

"Just one jump," Hange said, a worried frown on her face.

He did not need to guess what Hange was seeing. His legs were aching and he was struggling to take deeper breaths.

Last jump of the night. Levi assured himself. He then promised his body one weekend off if he made it. He stood on the starting point again for a few seconds, starting long and hard at the bar set two feet high in front of him.

The arm movements and the hip twists were not unfamiliar. Just like the sensation of launching himself up in the air, the tightening of his muscles and the bending of his back to get over the bar, they were all muscle memory. Where exactly Levi had gotten it, he did not know. Either way, he had won championships with leg power alone. With a lack of opponents, there was no need to improve his technique and he had stuck to using his legs.

Somehow, Hange's suggestion had awakened a new facet of his muscle memory.

Levi ran towards the two meter high bar, making sure to take note of the sensation in his hips and the untapped power in his arm. He positioned himself to launch in the air and in that split second, he did not need to consider where the power came from. Running towards the bar had contributed its own share of momentum and as Levi positioned himself for the jump, his arms had gone mechanically behind his back for a second.

That's where the power is from. Levi realized. He jumped up and noted the thrust of his hip as he twisted himself to a position where his back would be facing the bar. That was where the power from the hips came into play.

Levi was flying. At the same time, he was speeding up.

It should have been a perfect jump. In fact Levi had made some good height between him and the bar below him. If he were going any slower and had the luxury to look to the side he could have seen Hange's look of awe, her mouth agape and her eyes shining in pure excitement.

Levi though had other thoughts. His body was too preoccupied with something else.

Only less than an hour ago, Levi had almost broken his neck with a jump of a much lower speed and a lower height. Although Levi had quickly forgotten it, his body remembered. And when he was a good two and a half feet up in there his body decided to remind him of that particular memory of less than an hour ago.

Suddenly, Levi was terrified. He found himself fighting for some kind of control mid air. The sound of crash of metal hitting flesh then an explosion of pain.

That pain could have been accompanied by another as Levi landed awkwardly on the cold hard ground of the track. Everything he had felt up there in the air though was overwhelming enough and Levi found himself unable to isolate the pain or even trace its origins.

With the little energy and control he could muster, Levi turned his head to look above him. He didn't break his neck at least.

The dark blue sky stretched out in all directions and somewhere above him, he heard the distant screaming from a voice he had come to know so well.

Levi! Can you hear me… I can't deal with this on my own. I'm gonna have to call for help.

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #levi x hange #levi x hanji

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marinaaniseed · 5 years

Text

Dark ‘n’ Stormy Pt. 9

After yesterday’s false start, I binned the 4.5k angst-a-thon and started again. This one is better, I think. And shorter, too, at just under 4k.

It’s sort of an overview of what happens in the months following Thor and Brunnhilde’s ‘little chat’.

Not really smutty, but there is a little bit of stuffing. Sorry if that’s not your bag.

Spoiler: If you don’t like that, you will hate what I'm planning for Pt. 10.

I allude to a particular piece of art by @moopzies in this. I highly advise you to check it out (you’ll know which one).

There are some feels in this. I made myself cry a little, like an idiot.

Ehh, you know the drill. Love me (give me feedback :P).

Thor had told you the majority of his conversation with the Valkyrie. He’d left out the more ‘space-magic’ parts of it all, and the bit about the heir. Those were problems he’d need to address later.

You’d agreed that a consensus was needed and had offered to help, something that Thor was incredibly grateful for. It was overwhelming, he just wanted to hide away from it all. But in his heart, he knew this was who he was. He was the king of Asgard. He had been raised from an early age to fulfill that role. Yes, he had failed at what he was supposed to be, but maybe that was the point. Because the more he talked to you, the more he learned about Midgard, he came to realise that his father’s rule probably wasn’t something to emulate. It hadn’t been that great of an experience for most of the populace. They’d had no say in anything, just sent off to fight wars they had no stake in. Hela had been a power-mad tyrant, bent on conquering all of the realms, but who had made her that way?

A census was taken of Asgard, to see who exactly had survived and was still present. Thor hadn’t realised that there were so few Asgardians left. He should’ve realised, really. After Hela, Ragnarok, the massacre on the Statesman, it was a wonder that anyone had survived.

He had cried, seeing the number. 4,155. One-tenth of the population of Tønsberg. He’d commanded armies greater than that.

And you had held him, stroking his hair and listening to him. You didn’t offer advice, or try to tell him that it was ok. You just listened, and he was grateful for that. More grateful, still when you had buried him under fluffy duvets and blankets and brought him hot drinks, and bowls of hearty stews. Comfort food, you had called it.

Comfort was exactly what he needed. What he came to realise was that he couldn’t find that at the bottom of a bottle. He had tried for so long to be this strong warrior, able to carry any and all burdens. But that wasn’t true. He had failed at being that because it was who he thought he was supposed to be, not who he was. There was nothing wrong with who he was.

There were still a lot of bad days, but the balance was slowly shifting. He could feel himself smiling at more things.

He was so proud of you, the way you were trying to help him, to help Asgard. He wanted to help too. At first, he just helped financially. He got that new mattress and found that he slept better now that his weight was properly supported. He didn’t wake up so sore and so tired. And although there was no longer a dip forcing your bodies together, he was pleased to find you spooning him most mornings, your gentle hand rubbing circles onto his stomach. He particularly enjoyed it when your hand would accidentally brush against his morning wood. It was his favourite way to wake up. The thing that warmed his heart the most though was when you would grab around for him in your sleep. You’d fitfully reach around until you made contact with him. As soon as your fingers sank into the soft flesh, you’d immediately still. After all of the horrors he’d lived through, he was glad to be a source of comfort.

Of course, it wasn’t just his own home that he purchased items for. Midgardian tech had arrived, and you had taught them all how to use it. Now that most of Asgard could look things up on the Internet, it made explaining this planet to them much easier. His favourite thing had been when you explained video calling. He’d seen you do it and had thought it was marvelous, to be able to talk to your friends across the planet. He’d been disappointed that it didn’t work for contacting people on other planets yet, but he supposed in the grand scheme of things, Midgard had only learned about the other realms comparatively recently. And given their experiences, he couldn’t exactly blame them for not wanting to interact with the rest of the galaxy.

The video calling meant that he could keep in touch with his friends, now that the Avengers were no longer together. Banner had taught him some breathing and visualisation techniques to practice when things became too much. Rogers talked to him about what he had learned from the support group he ran after the snap. Barnes talked about Wakanda and goats. How caring for those animals had helped with his recovery.

In hindsight, he probably should’ve talked to you about the goats.

“This is Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr,” he’d said proudly, pointing to the two goats bleating away in his garden. He’d picked them up while you had been explaining the different peoples of Midgard to the Asgardians during one of your lunchtime sessions.

“Tann-what-now?” had been your response.

“Do you not like them?” he asked, disappointed.

“No, no. I just figured you would get a pet snake because I know you really like them.”

***

You’d not been as calm when he did get a snake. He hadn’t realised that other people didn’t like snakes as much as he did. You were still asleep when he’d brought the grass snake in, having found it in the woods, letting it slither over you. It flicked out its tongue to lick your cheek and that’s when you’d stirred.

He’d never seen a human, apart from maybe the two supersoldiers, move so fast. You’d bolted out of bed, sending the snake and the covers flying, dashing past him. The initial screams of panic had turned to screams of pain and he’d found you hopping on one foot.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, genuinely confused at your reaction.

“There was a fucking snake! In the bed! And then I caught my toe on the fucking doorframe!”

“Do you not like Loki?” he asked, picking up the disorientated snake. You’d hobbled off to the bathroom, a string of obscenities leaving your mouth as you went, slamming and locking the door behind you.

Thor had gone to his laptop to see if anyone was online to explain what had happened.

A lot of people are scared of snakes, Thor. Especially when they’re not expecting them to be on their face, Banner had explained.

Maybe naming the snake after your brother, the one that tried to invade her planet, didn’t help either.

“Y/N?” he’d called through the bathroom door. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. That was thoughtless of me.”

“It’s fine...just please warn me next time you decide to adopt a random creature.”

“Can Loki stay?”

“I guess. As long as it doesn’t try to destroy New York.”

A couple of ravens, a flock of chickens, plus some horses soon joined the menagerie, but you’d drawn the line when he suggested adopting a wolf. So he’d got two dogs, Geri and Freki, instead. Wolfhounds were close enough to wolves, right?

It felt good, being able to care for the animals. And if he was feeling particularly sad, and you weren’t there to comfort him, he would lie down and stroke one of his animal companions until he felt calm again. He still missed Asgard, his family, his life before Ragnarok, but this one wasn’t so bad.

***

It had been your suggestion that Thor could use his powers and his strength to improve New Asgard. He’d been confused at first, wondering how thunder or using Stormbreaker could help. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised that his calloused hands could help to build things, not destroy them.

The trees and flowers bloomed in abundance. Crops grew at an accelerated rate, livestock bore more young, and the sea contained more fish. He focused his powers on making New Asgard a fertile place. It was fitting, he thought, all this new life springing up where they had chosen to settle, to create a new life for Asgard.

Brunnhilde had mentioned facilities they needed, homes, a school, a library. Those were things he could help with. He used his powers to convince the trees to grow strong, to grow quickly, before cutting them down with Stormbreaker. He always ensured new ones grew to take their place. Once the other Asgardians saw what he was doing, they joined in to help. That was just as well, he was no carpenter. But he could chop and carry. His strength had never gone away, but some of the muscle definition had returned.

That’s not to say that he had lost weight. No, on the contrary, he might even have gained some more. You’d taught him to cook some of his favourite foods, including pizza, and he enjoyed making them. Some days it was hard but there was something satisfying about eating something that he’d made.

He enjoyed making pizza the most, and not just because he enjoyed eating it. What he enjoyed was how you’d slip up behind him when he was kneading the dough, your hands dancing up beneath the soft cotton of his top to knead his belly, cheek pressed against his back. He looked up other foods to make that involved kneading, just to feel you there behind him, kneading away at him.

“Home-cooked foods are the best comfort foods,” you told him one day as you pressed your fingers into his full stomach.

“Why is that?” he asked. He knew you were right, he just wanted to hear your reasoning.

“Because they’re made with love. It’s giving a gift of love to yourself, in a bowl or on a plate.”

But he knew that the real love wasn’t in the way he chopped vegetables or the way he stirred broths. In was in the way you looked at him, the way you listened to him, the way you touched him.

How you said, Thank you for dinner, each time he cooked for you.

You hadn’t told him yet, not with your words, but he knew that you loved him. He could see it growing there, no matter how you tried to stop it. To you, it was a weed, a weakness growing in your heart. To him, it was a beautiful flower, determined to thrive despite the adverse conditions.

It was the May Day feast when you finally said the words he longed to hear.

A mead hall had been constructed - the idea had come from the man who ran the tavern, Leifr - and Thor was more than happy to supply the materials and do the heavy lifting. Leifr didn’t want his establishment to be ruined again this year during the feasts, and Thor couldn’t blame him. He knew what a mess the feasts could cause. The hall was used for other things though. You had taken to hosting screenings of TV shows, documentaries, and films, to try to explain Midgard to the Asgardians. For their part, the Asgardians found portrayals of themselves in Midgardian media to be most interesting. They delighted in telling you everything that was wrong with Stargate.

This was your first feast, Thor wanted it to be a special occasion for you. He had spoken to Lorelei and sourced the materials to create a dress for you.

On the morning of the feast, he woke you up with a cup of tea and some toast in bed, stroking your hand as you ate.

“I have a surprise for you,” he explained, producing a satin blindfold from his pocket.

“Oh, is it that kind of morning?” you’d almost purred at him, your fingers teasing up his thigh.

“No...not that I don’t want to,” said hastily, just in case you thought he didn’t want to make love to you. “It is a present. Something I’d like for you to wear today.”

Intrigued, to let him tie the blindfold over your eyes. Was it a necklace? No, he had picked you up, was carrying you somewhere. It had to be something bigger than a necklace. He set you down and gently removed the covering from your eyes.

“Oh my god, Thor. What is this?”

Hanging in the bathroom was an enormous forest green dress. Gingerly you extended your fingers towards it, soft and silky, just like Thor’s hair. Delicate lace, the same shade of green, covered the bodice, comprised the off the shoulder sleeves, trailed down the full skirt.

“It’s a beautiful dress, for a beautiful woman. Do you like it?”

He had agonised over this dress. The colour was more Loki’s style than his, but Lorelei had assured him it would be a flattering colour on you. He wanted to create a dress that reflected the spring - it was a spring feast, after all - and green had seemed the logical colour.

“Like it? I love it, Thor. Thank you, so so much.”

You threw your arms around him, pulling him into a deep kiss. He almost decided to carry you back to bed, but he knew there was a lot he needed to do today.

“Why don’t you take a bath? I have a few things to take care of,” he whispered against your ear.

“Don’t you want to bathe with me?” you asked with a mock pout.

“We have a lot to do today, darling. I bathed before you woke.” He wanted to join you, of course he did. Nothing could be better than feeling you caressing his skin with bath oils. But there were more surprises he needed to prepare.

While you were in the bath, Thor sat in the garden with Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr. His fingers deftly plucking flowers from the lawn, thanking them under his breath. He had been practicing with some of the women and was determined to make you a flower crown and necklace, to showcase you as a spring beauty. The old people of this land had believed that his father was responsible for bringing spring. That wasn’t true. What was true was that you had brought spring to his heart, warming it after what had felt like neverending winter. Like his heart was ruled by Jӧtunheim.

You had almost wept as Thor had braided your hair, decorating it with the flowers, and draping the necklace over your soft skin. The off-the-shoulder dress has been a good idea, he decided, and not just because of how it showed off your cleavage. He laced you into your dress, his heart swelling with pride at how beautiful you looked.

“I have lived for many years, traveled to many planets, danced with many women. None of them could compare to you,” Thor said, caressing your cheek. “I have witnessed the birth of stars, but their light pales in comparison to you. I have seen the Infinity Stones, but their beauty and their power is nothing to that which shines if your eyes. I have drunk the finest wines, tasted the most succulent fruits, but it is your lips that I crave. The most exotic flowers are so plain when stood next to the blush that blooms on your cheeks, and their scent cannot compete with yours. There is no silk softer, in all of the nine realms and beyond, than your skin against mine. I have heard words of love in many languages, but they mean nothing. When you ask me how I am, when you comfort me from my nightmares, when you sigh in contentment against my chest, there are no lovelier sounds than these. Y/N, I love you. I have never been more certain of anything.”

That was when you had cried. You didn’t feel particularly beautiful, tears and snot running down your face as Thor held you to his soft chest. That was when you knew that you were done for. The last bit of your resistance had been chipped away. You had fallen in love again, after so long. This gentle giant, reluctant ruler. He was the one who had made you feel like you were worthy of love again. You hoped that Alex would’ve approved.

Thor soothed you, his hands running down your back, the odd juxtaposition of his axe-calloused skin against the smoothness of your dress. He knew these weren’t tears of sadness, he’d shed enough to know what those were like. These were tears of relief, of something finally being let go, something that had held you back all this time. He felt a little bad for ruining your makeup but he was sure that you could fix it.

Pulling away from him at last, you saw the damp mess you left on Thor’s top.

“I’m-I’m s-s-sorry Thor,” you sniffled at him. “That was. I didn’t mean to. I just…”

“It’s ok, it’s ok. It was just too much wasn’t it?”

You nodded, still unable to find the right words to say. You knew they were there, somewhere, but there was a disconnect between your brain and your mouth.

“I meant what I said, every word,” he said, with a smile. “Go clean yourself up, I should get dressed too.”

***

Thor, too, had opted for green. You had secretly hoped that he would dress like that pinup art you’d seen, of a woman painting with flowers covering her modesty. His tunic and trousers were a much earthier green and brown, as though he had grown from the ground on which he stood. Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr came with you, for the children to pet. Geri and Freki came too, eager for any scraps they might receive under the table. You had scrubbed your face, carefully reapplying your makeup. Your eyes were red, as red as your lips. You hoped nobody would notice.

As Asgard’s mightiest warriors, Thor, Sif, and Brunnhilde were barred from the tournaments and games. They were more than happy to officiate, to judge the winners, and generally mingle. Some of Thor’s Avenger friends traveled to New Asgard for the festivities, and you were looking forward to meeting them.

The day passed by quickly, and you were careful to temper the effects of Asgardian drink with plenty of water. When it came to the feast, you were in awe of how much food there was. As much as possible had come from New Asgard, but even with Thor’s help, there was no way enough could be grown to feed that made people.

“Sit! Sit wherever you wish, all are equal here in New Asgard,” Thor shouted as he opened the doors to the great room. Taking you by the hand, he led you to a seat in the middle of the room.

“Is this ok? Don’t you want to be on the edge in case it gets too much?” you asked him. A lot of progress had been made, but large crowds could sometimes still be a problem for Thor, evoking too much of the battlefield.

“No, no. This is exactly where I want to be, with my woman by my side and my dogs by my feet. Too much of my life was spent sat separate from my fellow Asgardians. I wish to be among them.”

Throughout dinner, whenever he had a hand to spare, you felt Thor’s hand on your thigh, seeking reassurance, and you covered it with your own. It was a pleasure to see him so happy, enjoying himself and enjoying all of the food and drink there was on offer, fully in the moment instead of mindlessly consuming to drown out the voices in his head that told him he wasn’t good enough, that he was solely to blame for the horrors of the past. And, of course, you enjoyed the way his stomach bloated as his gorged on tender meats, creamy cheeses, and rich cakes. He was still going long after you had had your fill. The ale was beginning to take its toll and you let your fingers wander over to his leg, trailing up his thigh. The first surprise was when you discovered how hard he was. Thor choked on his drink when you brushed over him, but nobody else noticed, engaged in conversation, eating and drinking. The second surprise was when you reached his waistband. You could feel him trying to suck in his stomach as the material dug into him. That wouldn’t do, so you wiggled around until you managed to unbutton him, feeling the soft, warm flesh cascade forward.

“What’re you doing?” he whispered, face matching the wine in his goblet.

“Helping?” you whispered back. “You didn’t seem very comfortable.”

You were right, Thor had to admit, it hadn’t been comfortable. But now he was very aware of how much he’d eaten, his stomach pressing against the table. He put down the slice of honey cake with a resigned sigh. You hated seeing him upset, so you began to knead his stomach gently, just as he liked, and picked up the slice.

“Are you sure? You seemed like you were enjoying this,” you asked, bringing it to his lips.

“No, no. I have eaten too much, more than my fair share.”

“But it’s such a small slice, and it seems like you have room. What harm could it do?”

How could he refuse you? He wasn’t sure why he was so aroused, but he thought it was something to do with eating so much, and you feeding him didn’t less that feeling. First, it was the cake, but slowly other things made his way to his mouth, via your hand, bite-sized pieces of whatever was nearest to your eager fingers.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” you asked, as Thor licked some icing off your fingers, the two of you now completely oblivious to your surroundings.

“Mmm,” he nodded, sucking hard on your chocolate coated digits. “Are you?”

“Very much so,” you purred, looking as though you wanted to ride him right then and there at the table. Which to be fair, wasn’t exactly far from the truth. A sharp elbow to your ribs from Brunnhilde reminded you of where you were, causing the blood to rush to your cheeks.

After dinner, some Asgardian musicians began to play and many others danced in a space at the far end of the hall. You perched on what was left of Thor’s lap, counting down until it was socially appropriate to depart, so you could take Thor home and feel yourself under his weight.

Quill and Wilson discussed music with you. Barnes, with his roguish grin, had swept you onto the dancefloor and tried to teach you the dances he’d practiced as a young man. Barton offered to teach you, and the other Asgardians archery. They were all very attractive men, no doubt about it, but you only had eyes and hands for one.

Leaving the hall was no easy feat. Everyone wanted to talk to Thor, or pet the dogs, or both, but eventually, you made it outside, the cool air waking Thor from the food coma he was stumbling around in. It was a clear night, so you walked along the beach, Thor explaining the different stars and constellations to you, the goats and dogs, running around the two of you.

“This place is beautiful, Thor,” you said, looking out to sea. “Almost as beautiful as you. I bet lots of people get engaged here, it would be the perfect place.”

“I wish you could’ve seen the old Asgard,” he whispered against your ear, trailing kisses down your neck and across your bare shoulder, feeling you melt into his touch.

Between the sighs and moans as he kissed you, that was when you said it. The perfect ending to a perfect day.

“I love you, Thor.”

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