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glop----26 · 25 days

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where do I begin

I miss you, I saw your post, you called me your ex, said nobody our age seems to like the stuff you like, other than your exs, and you were upset about that

im not just your ex you know, im your friend too, hell im not your ex, in order to be your ex we have to have dated, and we never did, you didnt want that.

It hurts, that you think of me that way, and that you think you cant share things with me anymore, but i guess thats somewhat my fault, ive been lashing out at you recently, I know that, but youve been lashing out too.

Were like two beatiful swords, shining in the suns glare, one takes a deadly swipe, then the next retorts with a deafening blow, you see, no matter how many battles we fight, how many wars we wage, were just hurting ourselves.

I want you to want me, I want you to love me, but more than that I just want you to like me, think im worth your time, not actively avoid spending time with you when you can, because that hurts, but I know I kinda do it too, and I cant blame you for being scared of me.

Im scared of you, scared that reaching out will push you away farther, make you more upset, because I know just like be, you self sabotage, and even if I attempt, you might run away, and I cant, cant imagine you running, I think it would hurt too much.

I think I would never recover and I cant let you leave my grasps even more, for you have already begun the run, but I have not chased, as you slip from my fingers I do not attempt to grab you back into my arms, I just continue holding what I have, but what I have is nothing. You see me as your ex, we talk, but not because you want to, because normality is so much easier than letting someone go. The daily routine, the mundanity is so much easier than pulling away, so you let me hold you, just a finger tip, just enough that you dont float away, but the rest of you is already gone, somewhere else in space, you are looking for the next adventure, the next person to fill the gap youve been trying to fill ever since he left, perhaps the next person will be the right one. Perhaps not. I just wish you loved me enough to let me see it.

More than anything, I just wish you at least cared about me enough to let me in, even, and especially to the silly meaningless details of your life, but there is a strong bar keeping me from it, and there is no escape in sight, no way for me to hold you again, just as a friend, because how can two people who have seen so much of eachother go back to being just friends. I feel if i tried id make you uncomfortable, and that would haunt me every night. So instead lies the ghost of your body.

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gilmore-angel · 11 months

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seeing posts about long term friendships where person A is slowly putting in less effort and moving on to other friends while person B still wants the friendship and relating to person A...

#its giving #its me hi im the problem its me #like me and my old best friend used to do everything to but i felt like we were just encouraging each others mental illness so i slowly #distanced myself and started getting closer and choosing my now bests friends over her #and now we just walk past each other without even saying anything #and in August itll be a year since i officially ended the friendship #i love oversharing on the internet #bays random thoughts

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rootbeerfloats · 1 year

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sometimes i wonder how im supposed to move on from her its like she carved out a part of my brain and now lives there

#like i think she was literally one of my first crushes ever and then i was in love with her for like the entirety of highschool but i #couldnt do anything because i already confessed and she rejected me but we were still best friends and then SHE confessed to ME in febuary #of this year and i think that was the happiest moment of my life and then she broke up with me after five months!!!! and its not her fault #that she wasnt ready for a relationship of course its just that like. it was incredibly clear that liked her so much more than she liked me #and it hurts...!!! and i dont even know what to DO now i wanna start dating again but i DONT KNOW HOW literally how do you go from the most #insane painful relationship that lasted years to just like. casual dating. i literally dont know if i can do it HELP LOL #if you read all of this i hope it was entertaining like genuinely i love oversharing on the internet its so cathartic also i am going to #delete this post tomorrow

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displ3azant · 9 days

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(Before cut is In-Character.)

Hiii! Helloooo!

Hello!!!!!! Hehe, thiz iz actually super weird trying to write an intro-- give me a minute.

So, HIII!!!!!!! I'm Unpleasant! That'z not a joke, that iz literally my name. There'z no "deep reason" behind it, it iz literally just what people refer to me az. But, if that'z too weird, I do also go by Unplez or Plez for short.

Uh, pronounz? I don't really care, actually. I don't have a set gender, I've never really met a gradient who doez. That being said, since I started hanging with Infected I have been called he and she specifically a lot... so if it'z easiest for you, just roll with the crowd.

Right, so... the blog. Thatz thiz blog, haha! Well, the easy answer iz I waz super bored, Infected can suck a huge ####, and I like talking about myself! But... I kind of suck at talking in general, so I guess I'll type and answer questionz about myself.

BUT KNOW MY BOUNDARIEZ BEFORE YOU ASK QUESTIONZ! 👇👇👇

(Below cut is Out-Of-Character.)

To those who know me: Good to see you're still stickin' with me! I promise I will make an effort to make this blog much less of a dumpster fire like the last one.

And to those who are only now coming across this blog: Hello! My name is Hex. You don't have to call me "Mod Hex", or anything, just "Hex" will do. I'm the only guy running this thing here. I'll talk more about myself soon, because oversharing is what I do best.

Blog-Context

So, if it wasn't obvious enough from the intro, this is an ask/rp blog for the Unpleasant Gradient from Regretevator, but specifically in the context of the plez-centric au I have created for him. Or, well, the "AU" in question is actually just some freaky amalgamation of all my fucked up headcanons, which means...

I AM NO LONGER DOING DIRECT BLOG ASSOCIATIONS! Really sorry about that, I love my friends with all my heart but if I wanna keep consistency, I'm gonna have to "write the story" on my own. However, I do want to give full credit to my friends @sk8tr1101 and @party-noob for some major concepts involving Unpleasant, especially Audrey who already has some awesome ideas herself. Go check them both out!

MAIN TAGS:

#unpl3zansw3rz - Asks

#unpl3zrambl3z - Non-ask related posts/reblogs

#unpl3zlor3 - Plot points and similar

#ooc - Out-of-character post

OTHER TAGS (to be updated):

(nothing yet, hehe)

Blog-Owner

So hiiii, I'm Hex. If I can be bothered, out-of-character posts will either have the #ooc tag, be in purple text, or be signed off with my name. I'd prefer if you refer to me using he/it pronouns, thnx!

I'd also like you all to keep in mind I am 17 years old, therefore a minor, and even if I wasn't 17 I do not appreciate NSFW/Explicit jokes towards me, ESPECIALLY if you don't know me. It's one thing when you're my very close friends or my partner, it's another thing when you are a stranger on the internet asking me things I should not have to answer.

My other accounts are: @hexexists - my main blog, if you receive notifications from this account, please know it is just me! @hexational - my regretevator blog @geometricgiovanni - a Jeremy ask/rp blog set in the same universe as this one! Please note, however, that in the context of this blog, Unpleasant is not aware of the blog nor would he like to be.

Ask/RP-Boundaries

Let's start off by reiterating that I AM NOT OKAY WITH NSFW/EXPLICIT ASKS IN ANY CAPACITY! Sick of getting them, they're repetitive and annoying. Asking safe-for-work questions involving Unpleasant's anatomy is one thing, but I am not responding to ANYTHING involving genetalia.

ALSO! I am very unlikely to respond to things that is either hard to make a unique drawing for or don't progress the story (unlocking "lore" and such). I'm watching your ass, Mango, I know what you like to do (/lh). Joke asks are still okay, you don't *have* to progress story, but please keep in mind my "criteria" for answering asks when sending them. A clean inbox gives me a clear mind. I do not like notifications.

Shipping content: Shipping content is okay, I guess. Not exactly the direction I want to take things, though some storylines will involved implied ships. Don't push anything that isn't hinted at, and under no circumstances encourage proshipping or any kind of illegal pairing. If a ship is hinted toward that you personally do not like, then just block me and move on with your day.

Roleplaying: While I'd prefer to not be in direct contact with other rp blogs, I am totally cool with roleplaying side stories and stuff, interactions and such! Please keep in mind though, Unpleasant in this is not a very social person, so you're probably not going to get the reaction you want.

Also! I think OCs are super cool and am happy to respond/interact with them as well! However,

PLEASE DON'T SEND YOUR GRADIENT OCS TO THIS ACCOUNT IF YOU WANT ME TO DRAW THEM! Please instead send them to @hexational! A lot of people were sending me their Gradient ocs to the previous Unpleasant account, and as much as I love seeing Gradient ocs and Gradient sonas, I'd love to be able to draw them, and if you are just asking an opinion on them and not an in-character ask or a genuine question involving other gradients I'd much prefer you send them to the account previously tagged!

That's pretty much all I can think of! Sorry for the long post, I just have a lot to say hehe

Lots of love, - Hex

#unpl3zansw3rz #unpl3zrambl3z #ic #ooc #ask blog #regretevator unpleasant #regretevator ask blog #regretevator infected #unpleasant gradient

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jessaerys · 2 months

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in 2017 i went through a horrible depressive episode where i watched mad men all the way through THaREE times consecutively and i was reading and writing a lot of rpf beatles mclennon fanfiction. as a chronic oversharer its been hard not tell this to my loved ones as sometimes it would be objectively extremely funny to reveal but immediately after it stopped being shockingly hilarious it would be absolutely mortifying. im in a 3 year long relationship and ive not cracked anyway POST yassified ferb in love; it would free her (the girl who drew it)

i am holding both of your hands it's okay ages 19-24 i was in a long term lived together relationship and i also never cracked (about pnf yaoi). mad men back to back and mclennon is basically mainstream in this day and age are you kidding me. be cringe and free. i love you. here's the pherbcest

OK SORRY I CANT JUST DROP IT I NEED TO DEFEND MYSELF. CONTEXT: i was 15-16 and living in a highly controlling christian cult hellhome so cartoons were basically the only thing i could watch openly and objectively pnf is a really clever funny and well-written show and my little sister really liked it

also it was the late 00s if you wanted gay you had to diy it in the deepest fringes of the internet (deviantart)

ALSO the concept "what if your parent married another parent and you and your new step sibling were best friends but also fell in love. wouldn't that be so complicated and full of potential drama" is objectively pretty compelling (see: contemporary disney channel show My Life With Derek, which basically had that exact premise)

i'd like to peresonally apologize to dan p*venmire and jeff "swampy" m*rsh

i actually really like these two like ambiancewise. the art is good. two extremely different vibes. the duality of pnf yaoi

bonus pher/bnessa

i must kill myself now

#everyone you have GOT to still think i'm hot after seeing these

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iwanthermidnightz · 10 months

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"you think i wrote song about"

📢 louder for the people in the back PLEASE!!

it’s giving reputation prologue, let’s review:

Here's something I've learned about people.

We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them they have chosen to show us. We know our friend in a certain light, but we don't know them the way their lover does. Just the way their lover will never know them the same way that you do as their friend. Their mother knows them differently than their roommate, who knows them differently than their colleague. Their secret admirer looks at them and sees an elaborate sunset of brilliant color and dimension and spirit and pricelessness. And yet, a stranger will pass that person and see a faceless member of the crowd, nothing more. We may hear rumors about a person and believe those things to be true. We may one day meet that person and feel foolish for believing baseless gossip.

This is the first generation that will be able to look back on their entire life story documented in pictures on the internet, and together we will all discover the after-effects of that. Ultimately, we post photos online to curate what strangers think of us. But then we wake up, look in the mirror at our faces and see the cracks and scars and blemishes, and cringe. We hope someday we'll meet someone who will see that same morning face and instead see their future, their partner, their forever. Someone who will still choose us even when they see all of the sides of the story, all the angles of the kaleidoscope that is you.

The point being, despite our need to simplify and generalize absolutely everyone and everything in this life, humans are intrinsically impossible to simplify. We are never just good or just bad. We are mosaics of our worst selves and our best selves, our deepest secrets and our favorite stories to tell at a dinner party, existing somewhere between our well-lit profile photo and our drivers license shot. We are all a mixture of our selfishness and generosity, loyalty and self-preservation, pragmatism and impulsiveness. I've been in the public eye since I was 15 years old. On the beautiful, lovely side of that, I've been so lucky to make music for a living and look out into crowds of loving, vibrant people. On the other side of the coin, my mistakes have been used against me, my heartbreaks have been used as entertainment, and my songwriting has been trivialized as 'oversharing'.

When this album comes out, gossip blogs will scour the lyrics for the men they can attribute to each song, as if the inspiration for music is as simple and basic as a paternity test. There will be slideshows of photos backing up each incorrect theory, because it's 2017 and if you didn't see a picture of it, it couldn't have happened right?

Let me say it again, louder for those in the back . . .

We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us.

There will be no further explanation.

There will be just reputation.

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emeralddoeadeer · 2 months

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So I have been debating this message for a while but eventually decided it would be nice to tell you this. It's been nearly two years since I read Everlong and loved your idea of Lily deeply. She was brave and fit and loved and everything I wanted to be as I felt isolated and unhealthy after lockdown. There was a number of things that changed for me in the past two years but your characters were never far from my mind. I started running, using not hyper fit instagram athletes as my inspiration but the perspective of your character who found relaxation and pride in the exercise. I met a lot of people since lockdown and found it easier to make friends when I thought about Lily and her steadfastness and privacy, instead of blurting everything and oversharing constantly in an effort to explain and apologise for myself. I gained confidence and found people I could actually share with in time who deserved my confidences. I tried new hobbies, still horrible at yoga but I gave it a go. Tried lots of sports, got good at running. I do my first half marathon this spring. I don't love any song enough to get it tattooed on me but I did shave my head. I lost one of my own parents, something not made easier by any story but it did make me feel better to think how lucky I was to have my sisters beside me and not against me. Moved cities, launched my career, sang Bitch and Tenessee Whiskey in a karaoke bar. Fell in love with Joni Mitchells music. And I named my new motorbike Marlene

Dearest Anon, sorry for the long delay in replying to this, please know this is no reflection of how much I appreciate it.

I will never get over the love shown to Everlong.

I can't quite express how much it means to hear that something I wrote has had a positive impact on people, it matters more than you'll ever know.

THANK YOU. For reading, for connecting, for sharing your journey.

Wow. Seriously, you are incredible, look at you go.

Not that the opinion of a random internet stranger should mean anything, but man am I proud of you. It makes my mama doe side all excited, please imagine me alongside the marathon spectators cheering you on.

I love all the things you shared (not sure if the message maxed out on words but ending on a motorbike named Marlene is so badass!)

I wish you all the best for the marathon, and every new venture coming your way.

Thank you so much for this message, it brings me such joy 💕

#ask #lovely anon #everlong #people being nice to me gives me all the feelings #feeling the love

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wouldve-couldve-shouidve · 5 months

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₊˚⊹♡ all right, people, let's start at the beginning one last time. my name is lucy! ✩°｡⋆

➵ you can call me lucy and any other nicknames that fit, also i adore petnames

➵ this is my alt account, my main is @svnflowermoon and i made this bc that one was getting veryyyy crowded and my notifications were a mess, i probably won't use this acc all that much but if you really want me to see a notification for something ur tagging me in then it might be a good idea to tag this account! also occasionally i just say unhinged things here that i don't want to post on my main

➵ basic info. they/she, 16, lesbian, enfp, gemini, slytherin, nz, i adore dogs, plant mum, i love painting, writing is my life, i love going on walks and picnics, I'm 100% a spring and autumn girlie, i can't live without music, spotify is the loml, reputation and folklore girlie, pinterest whore, i hate coffee (sorry), i overshare on the internet, i don't ship real people but idc if you do as long as you're respectful about it, i love character design!!! i've been told by my best friends that i'm a real life nick nelson <3

➵ music. conan gray, maisie peters, gracie abrams, lyn lapid, taylor swift, sabrina carpenter, olivia rodrigo, ABBA, arctic monkeys, queen, claire rosinkranz, girl in red, phoebe bridgers, boygenius, renee rapp, troye sivan, lauv, harry styles, niall horan, lizzy mcalpine, johnny orlando, ricky montgomery, zayn, maggie lindemann, louis tomlinson, beabadoobee, billie eilish, ella jane, cigarettes after sex, emei, tate mcrae, lana del rey, melanie martinez, 5sos, the neighbourhood, clairo, and more

➵ writing account. @svnflower-writes

➵ more info. on my main account!!! :)

➵ note. if you know me irl please DO NOT interact with this account. i would prefer if you don't even look at it. i say this about my main but i'm even more serious abt this acc as this is my vent acc and it has stuff i'd prefer if you didn't know xx (don't take this personally tho)

#luc posts #svnflowermoon alt acc

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heytheredeann · 10 months

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Oversharing on the Internet

I was tagged by @cha-melodius, thank you! <3

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

Nope, traditionally I SHOULD have been named after my maternal great grandmother, but my mother refused because she didn't like the name LOL.

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

I genuinely don't remember LOL.

THREE: Do you have kids?

Nope.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not really, I use it sometimes, I'd say.

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

I started swimming when I was like 3 or 4, I stopped when I was ten I think to play volleyball, in middle school I had a very brief dancing phase that I'd like not to remember, then still in middle school I did a year of athletics (like running, jumping, etc) but it got boring so I stopped and went back to swimming, I did a year-ish of kickboxing during my last year of high school (loved that one, but I had to stop because I couldn't go to practice because of all the studying, ngh), and now I'm horse riding. Also when I was a kid there was a lot of skiing because my father's side of the family is obsessed LOL.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

Probably their hair, it's certainly what I remember best: I am bad with faces so if I meet someone for the second time and they change their hairstyle I am going to be very confused (like "who is this? help" levels of confused).

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

Brown.

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, I'm not completely opposed to scary movies but I very rarely watch them.

NINE: Any special talents?

Does being a human calendar count? LOL. I'm the person in the friend and/or work group that is like "Hey, friendly reminder that it's Father's Day next week" or "PSA, public transport is on strike on Friday" when I know that people have a hard time remembering this stuff looool.

TEN: Where were you born?

...Italy LOL.

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

Fandom (writing and reading fics, giffing, scrolling endlessly...) and horse riding.

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

No but I'd love get a cat someday soon.

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

Around 160 cm? Maybe 158? That should be 5'2 in feet.

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

All the literatures (Italian, Ancient Greek, Latin and English were the ones I took in high school). Also English because I was so good at it LOL.

FIFTEEN: Dream job

Tbh I would just be happy to get something in the field I got two whole degrees in LOL. But outside of that, if I could lock myself in a barn and look after horses all day I would probably be more than happy to let's be real looool.

Tagging: @playpenn @sensitivehandsomeactionman @imgoingtofreakoutnow @dadralt @huggiebird @ikeepwatchinghelicopters @cherryjuicegf and anyone else who wants to give it a try, feel free to tag me!

#this was fun loool #look at me doing this in just a few days #ely has shit to say #not spn #tag game #cha-melodius

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leighlew3 · 11 months

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I thought a lot about what I was going to write to you. I wish I could say something to you. I know whatever I write is not gonna do much. But I hope it'll remind you, that you're greatly admired and also to take care of yourself. Grief isn't linear, and no two grief are ever the same. I too have lost someone close to me and I've seen a lot of your followers sharing their stories with you lately. I find it beautiful that your followers come here and share their own grief and sorrows in your time of grief. It's almost like sitting around a fire and holding space for all of the grief we collectively hold and holding each other. Even if it's never gonna be the same, we get better at holding that grief. I sincerely hope we all do. I'm here to say that I'm sorry for your loss and all that you're going through now. When you're sad, believe that I'm offering a hand for you to hold. Even if virtually, the feeling still stands. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with good people and of course your beautiful pets. Much love 💜

( I'm a very shy person and when I usually write something from my heart like this, I'd be on anon. But even if there aren't many personal details on my Tumblr page, I just wanted to send it without the anon for you. Just to put a face to your new internet friend. Even if it's 2 weird looking blobs with eyes 😶‍🌫️)

Thank you so much for these kind words. Honestly. 💜

I feel so blessed to have connected with people who have gone through similar loss, or even just offered such wonderful support during this time of crushing grief I'm in.

I appreciate you. All of you.

And I'm... trying my best to hang in there. To be honest (as I always am to a fault, hello overshare)... it's not been getting easier with the passage of time. It's been getting HARDER. And at times very dark. So, I'm giving therapy a shot and have my first session tomorrow.

I'm sure I'll practically be live tweeting/blogging my therapy results as well, lol. It's partly all been cathartic to me to share what I'm going through and also partly been me wanting to try to help others who may be going through similar things, because I've noticed there's elements of intense grief that a lot of people don't always talk about, so if I can paint a picture that prepares people -- maybe it'll help. I dunno. But anyway. My hope is that others don't have to feel THIS level of despair after their loss, but everyone is different. Every loss is unique, because every relationship is unique. So. Yeah.

Anyway, again, I truly thank you.

#grief #loss #community

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alrightbuckaroo · 10 months

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oversharing on the internet

thanks for the tags @firstprince-history-huh and @welcometololaland (hope you don't mind i borrowed the title because i love it!)!

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

nope! but this blog is <3

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

probably within the last two weeks; over a fictional man, no doubt.

THREE: Do you have kids?

no, my best friend's puppy is enough.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

me? never!

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

it was a country club sport so i'm embarrassed to say 🫣

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

their hair, followed closely by their smile.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

chocolate orbs <3

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings because i detest anxiety and gore but i do love a good psychological horror even if i'm shielding my eyes the entire time.

NINE: Any special talents?

i played five instruments in high school!

TEN: Where were you born?

i wasn't! i actually just hopped right out of a clown car believe it or not!

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

writing, reading, listening, and i mean listening to music, watching the same show for the 14th time and being not normal about almost any and all media

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

again, best friend's puppy is enough

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

five foot three; don't listen to the lies, being short in a grocery store is not the setting for a meet cute, but a nightmare knowing you can't reach the laundry detergent on the top shelf.

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

probably band, followed closely by english because i am a character from a mid 2000s coming of age comedy

FIFTEEN: Dream job

no job <3 (it would actually be a park ranger at a national park, but don't tell anyone)

tagging: @reyesstrand, @strandnreyes, @catanisspicy, @carlos-in-glasses, @rmd-writes, @chaotictarlos @ambiguouspenny, @bonheur-cafe, @basilsunrise and @sanjuwrites

#my god i'm tagging a lot just call me jeremy renner (actually don't call me that at all i hate that man)#tag you're it

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ivansergeyevichturgenev · 8 months

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i should shut up about this but i'm really annoyed still. i shouldn't let it get under my skin but it did and while i am aware i have overshared on the internet, i love elijah and always will and do not hate him. i hope we can still be friends. this is all very amicable and honestly a lot of my stupid self hating posts are just that...stupid and self hating. i have regrets about marrying young (and how i'll be getting divorced young too lol) but like he's not an evil person and just because i hate myself (somewhat) doesn't mean i think every decision i've ever made is irredeemably stupid. it's more that like because i married someone so young, we did so much growing up together that it's even harder to imagine life without him because of how many things we went through together for the first time. and i truly think of him as one of my best friends. and maybe i've been too mean in my own feelings. but this is so much better than resenting each other for years and actually becoming hateful and petty. and i can be very sad but also relieved and happy at the same time

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bookishphysicsgirl · 1 year

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So, story time, apparently, because my insurance hasn't come through yet which means I am yet to schedule therapy and as such am about to severely overshare and expose myself publicly on the internet for the sake of feeling a little less lonely I guess. Go grab a seat and some popcorn 'cause this one is gonna be a long one - very very long.

This is about my sexuality (aroace) and how I came to terms with it and where I am now.

TW: mentions of bullying (I guess,I don't really see it as bullying but I was told it was bullying so there), aphobia, masturbation (you have no idea how long it took me to just straight up write that word), periods, and general aro ace queer confusion.

But why not just talk to some ace people near you, if you are in such need of understanding you'd turn to strangers on the internet ? Well, there aren't that many ace or aro people around me and the few that I know are not that great to talk to, not because of their sexuality, mind you, but because they make very uncomfortable jokes and are all cis boys which normally wouldn't be a problem except that I grew up around no men and am kind of akward - especially considering I am one of the very few girls in our major, so internet strangers and possible exposure it is.

Therefore, our story begins when I was about nine and going to Adventist school - because it was cheap and the closest to my house, not because I myself was Adventist - when children started talking about dating and kissing, mostly for jokes but still sometimes seriously. When one of the girls had her period before anyone else and got caught with socks on her bra it was a pure scandal.

I couldn't understand it. I mean I understood why people would want to date and be with significant others more than the typical child that age, since I read a lot and I read anything I could get my hands on, and not always necessarily age appropriate books since adults tend to believe all books are inheritenly good for their children without checking the content.

What I couldn't understand is why would anyone be so worried about things like that so early. In all the stories I saw and the books I read the characters were at least teenagers before they started being interested. That coupled with adults around me saying repeatedly that children were being oversexualized and that it'd be better if they just focus on their studies led me to make a bet with my friends that I would never date or kiss anyone until I was sixteen. Best decision I ever made.

So as the years passed my friends and everyone else arround me started freaking out more and more about crushes and who had kissed who and when they asked me all I had to do was remind them of that bet and they'd leave it alone. Sometimes a few kids would ask me things like whether I wanted to be a nun or why was I actually trying to keep that bet, but mostly I could just completely forget about it.

However as I started getting older - at about 14 - my relatives started noticing and though at first when I told them about my no-dating-until-16 plans they thought I was very smart and concentrating on the right things soon enough I'd catch my aunt and my mom having conversations about how "something must be wrong with that kid" and "you should take her to see a doctor". My aunt suggested I might need hormone therapy.

My friends kept telling me about people who they thought had crushes on me - which usually made me panic because I didn't know how to reject anyone if they were right, kids at my school started asking me increasingly invasive and mean questions ( " have you really never kissed anyone?", "are you just in love with yourself?", "were you abused?", "are you afraid of sex?", "do you even know what a penis looks like?") and my mom kept trying to make me interested in someone.

She would try to make me look at scenes that made me uncomfortable in movies and TV, tell me stories about her sex life, show me pictures of famous people and point at random people on the street and say "aren't they cute?", anytime anyone showed even the slightest bit of interest she would practically throw me in their direction. She asked me if I wanted therapy, if I thought I needed hormonal treatments, if I was a lesbian - totally cute of her but a little off the mark - at one point she even took the whole sapiosexual thing that was going around facebook and convinced me that the reason I hadn't been interested in anyone was because I hadn't met anyone who was intellectually stimulating enough.

At about 15 she asked me if maybe I could be asexual. I think she meant it as a joke but I looked it up anyway and lo and behold there was the answer all along. I pretty much came out immediately to my family and my closest friends and was met with the usual "you'll find someone some day", "it's just a phase", "maybe you should just try it, just to check" but eventually that started to die out and they started to accept it.

I guess part of it was that they thought things would change by the time I got to college and to be honest I was still pretty unsure, but when people asked me inconvenient questions about why I never went out with anyone now I had an actual answer which, of course, led to even more invasive questions from my classmates but I tended to be pretty good at taking it in stride.

I think it was meant to be a joke of sorts, go ask uncomfortable questions to the innocent nerd and see how she squirms so we can laugh about it later, kind of how some boys will make fake crushes and pretend to ask girls they think are ugly out or keep ironically complimenting them to make fun of them, because if they believe it it's funny she was gullible and if she doesn't she can't do much because they can just say they were trying to be nice.

But I pretty much had a policy to always smile and be nice to people and answer them honestly even when you knew they were being purposefully hurtful unless you were in a dangerous situation, because a lot of the joke got lost then, specially when it was obvious I knew what their intentions were and tried to dialog anyway. And though the questions never stopped while I was in High School the jokes did. And I kind of even became sort of friends with some of those boys? They asked me to tutor them, we were nice to each other, we talked about tv shows so I suppose things got better.

At 16, even already wearing the label ace, I was finally without the bet excuse for not dating and without it to hide behind I was forced to really confront my feelings. My friends mostly seemed pretty ok with my identity and didn't pressure me much but they did keep trying to get me to "be mature" and say or do things that made me uncomfortable - but then again these things weren't always related to sex, sometimes they were just trying to get me to swear - or making dirty jokes that I didn't want to hear. At that point my mom had moved on to trying to convince me to at least try to touch myself and telling me how good sex felt and that I'd really be missing out.

But even though I now didn't have my self-imposed silly rule and a very close friend who I really liked was actually interested I still felt no need to be intimate with anybody. There was not a lick of desire anywhere in my body, but I was still pretty conflicted. I knew I had never had a crush or felt lust for anybody but I had always loved romance books and movies and I squealed when two characters got together and I loved cheering for my friends in their love lifes and going to weddings - I could go to a wedding every weekend honestly - and I had always generally been a hopless romantic "in love with love" type of person.

At 17 we had to make a seminar about minorities and since my friend group had the only queer people in the entirety of the school so naturally we were assigned the LGBTQIA+ community. That was the first time I ever read about the distinction of romantic and sexual and platonic attractions and I swear it was like suddenly the entire world clicked in my brain and everything made sense. My friend's ears were probably bleeding by the time I finally stopped talking about it but I could be at least a little more grounded in my asexuality. At least I knew I could maybe still have those things I liked so much in fiction, I could still maybe one day not be alone and have someone to raise a family with, someone to decorate for Christmas with, who would help me in the bad days and who I could share good days with. Who could grow old with me so I didn't have to retire alone and helpless.

After that I was pretty confident, I was in no hurry to find romantic love and just kept thinking that if was going to happen it would just happen. But it did get me thinking about my limits. What would I be willing to do if I ever did get a romantic partner? Would I be willing to do it with anyone who wasn't a romantic partner?

I think it is worth it to note that I was reading smut since I was 13yo. This wasn't exactly because I went out seeking for it, in fact the first few times I came across it I was a bit disturbed, I'm not going to lie, but I was desperate to read new things, kindle had free things to read and sometimes those things had undisclosed smut. At first I skipped it, then I realized I was missing plot and started skimming it and eventually I was just reading it just like you'd read anything else. So despite my friends repeatedly attempting to make me more mature and teaching me the lingo I am 60% sure I was far more educated at that point (when no one had actually done anything more than kissing) than they could have possibly been.

So I did know about things and how the plumbing worked, I just didn't know if I'd ever be willing to test mine. One beautiful day, when no one was home and I was 18 and reading I wondered "maybe I could just try doing it myself, just to see if I even feel anything." And I thought I'd done it wrong, because I didn't scream or pant or do any of the things that the media usually describe, so I tried again that night,and the next day.

Soon I found that not only did it help me relax enough to sleep, something that had evaded me for years on end, I had a pretty high libido because I suddenly could recognize what before I couldn't identify as arousal, and it happened a lot, at random times, but one thing I noticed was that it never had to do with anyone. It mostly happened whenever I started worrying or thinking about sex and sexuality itself but never because of an actual person. I dealt with it pretty often, never thinking about scenarios with myself or things like that, just shadows, or colors, or movements or reading something.

But the fact that I was doing it and that I was doing it so often suddenly put my sexuality into doubt, could I really be ace with what I did alone at night? The fact that I was doubting it so much and that I had over the years built so much of my self within the fact that I am ace made it so I was too scared to even tell anyone about my libido just in case telling them would make them doubt me again, make them invalidate me or tell me I would eventually just magically wake up allo. To this day I have only ever told one person I know personally, and that was on a really bad day.

But I did do something similar to this I'm doing now and posted to AVEN and after very big welcome cakes and assurances that everything I was going through was completely normal and that it didn't make me any less ace, which felt like a balm on an open wound, I calmed down a little.

So, this one day there was a kareoke pizza party at my uni and this guy sings Moana and I sing Moana and we start talking about the merits of the translation and he ends up asking me if I wanna see a movie that night after the party (it was an in-campus party so it didn't end too late) and I as the clueless dork that I am started going around asking if anybody else wanted to come with.

Nobody did which I thought was strange but ok and so we went to the 24h room of the library to watch it and for about 2/3 of the movie I was completely immersed, not even noticing what was happening around me. However, suddenly I got the strange notion that maybe he was getting a bit too close. Like he was trying to do something. Weird.

But I thought that before and it was nothing, and I thought it was nothing when it was something so clearly I am not the best at reading signs from people. And like he was pretty cool, wonderful person really, so he offered to take me to my door and I said yes because I am terrified of walking alone at night and in the middle of the way he did a real movie move and kind of went bumping his hand with mine until he could kind of naturally hold it? That's when my brain went "oh crap."

I had until we got to the door to make a decision. I did like him. But the more I thought about the idea of actually kissing someone the more icky I felt but maybe I should just try it and see what happens? Like everyone keeps telling me to do?

So we get in front of my building and he turns towards me and I look up and I can hear my heart pounding and I just go "sorry, I'm ace." And run as fast as I can towards the door. Yup. Left him cold and did a dash and hide. Not my greatest moment.

Anyway I felt very embarrassed and kind of sorry so I sent an apology text and explained and he said that actually he was totally cool with it and if I wanted to he would love to date without needing the whole physical part. And that seemed like a good idea.

I hated it. Every single minute. Again it wasn't him. I like him, we are friends as much as we can be friends without me akwardly wandering whether I'm leading him on all the time. But the situation, it was just the worse. I just couldn't think of ever doing it again. With anyone.

So, yeah, probably Aromantic too. Which was a surprise.

But the funny thing is that if she wanted to I would marry my best friend in an instant. Not to go on dates, or kiss or for physical intimacy but just so we could officially be there for each other. So I guess my platonic attraction is pretty strong. And there are people I see that I just really like the look of, so aesthetic attraction is also present. And I usually know just by looking at someone that I really want to be friends with them.

But sometimes I still stop and go "is what I'm feeling for this person actually romantic? How do I know?". But I guess that is what being aro or ace or really just queer in general in a world that wasn't really made for you is, constantly second guessing yourself. We just need to learn that that's ok and it doesn't make us any less who we are.

Anyway, hope this helped anyone struggling in their own journey or let people who've already been through this know that they are not alone. Because you are not. We are in this together.

Ok, love you all, bye!

#ace #aro #aroace #aromantic #asexual #aromantic asexual #story time #tw bullying #tw masterbation #tw periods #tw aphobia #aphobia #coming out #coming out story

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pragmatic-optimist · 10 months

Text

Oversharing on the Internet

Thank you @iboatedhere and @celeritas2997 for tagging me in this game and giving me a reason to procrastinate on the things I have to do before bedtime.

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

Nope. In fact, I didn’t meet another Sonia until I was at summer camp, the summer after 7th grade. Her birthday was also the day after mine, and 12-year-old me’s mind was blown. 🤯

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

Hmmm, it’s been about 4 days? I listened to a few podcast episodes a friend sent me; one was about grief, and the other was about loneliness. You’re probably thinking, oh well, no wonder. 😆 What moved me to tears in both episodes were the anecdotes about the power of human connection and love in tandem with (what feels like) the rarity of both in the current climate of the world.

THREE: Do you have kids?

@iboatedhere said it best: god no.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Absolutely, it’s my primary coping mechanism. How else would I survive the insanity that is adulting while living in the United States of America? 🙃

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

Hmmm, do mind sports count? 😂 I was on Scholastic Bowl and Academic Decathlon in high school. I am not very athletic and have never been well-coordinated enough for physical sports, though I do enjoy doing cardio group classes these days.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

Height, because I like to make eye contact when meeting people for the first time, so it’s a matter of determining if I’m craning my neck up or not lol. The second thing would be their eyes, and the third thing, their voice.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

Brown

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings 1000%. Real life is scary enough.

NINE: Any special talents?

I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant household. IYKYK. 😂

But also, I have this ✨intuition✨ about people–a spidey sense–that never lets me down. I’m also good at anticipating a need before it’s spoken or presented itself.

TEN: Where were you born?

Gonna go with the obvious, most popular reply: hospital lol

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

I like to take walks, beta-read some wonderful fic from time to time (when life isn’t lifin’), buy iced lattes (even in the winter), and visit bookstores for fun because I (allegedly) enjoy reading. However, these days, I am buying books for comfort because they just get added to my emotional support to-be-read pile.

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

Nope. I would love a dog, but the way my life and work hours are set up, I would feel too guilty leaving the pup home alone so much.

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

5'6

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

Psychology, English Lit, History, and Women and Gender Studies.

FIFTEEN: Dream job

To use a quote I’ve seen on the internet often: “I do not dream of labor.”

It’s getting late, and I’m too tired to go on a coherent rant about this, so I’ll just say that I believe the idea of a dream job is a trap of capitalism. 🤷🏽‍♀️

That being said, I do have to fund the responsibilities of adulting, so I look at a job as the means to build a dream life. There are several pieces to what I would consider a “dream” life, and those pieces may change over time because I will continue to evolve as a person, but I know that whenever those pieces lock into place, my life would make me feel peaceful, stable, secure, and joyful. That’s forever the goal (along with the ability to treat myself to iced lattes and books lol).

No pressure tags; I think this has probably made the rounds, but if you’d like to share:

@sunshinestrand @strandtk @mistmarauder @gregoryeddie @scienter @rmd-writes @orchidscript @first-kanaphan @jddryder @chicgeekgirl89 and anyone else who would like to share (please tag me!)

#additional talents:#procrastinating and staying up later than i should #hello it’s me #tag games #that thing you queue

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