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haunted-xander · 3 months

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I think one of the (several) reason for why Shadowbringers is so good is because the narrative is more about the individual characters than it is the Greater Conflict.

Like, the Greater Conflict is definitely there, obviously, it's what keeps the story going, but the focus is always on the people, much more so than the other expacs. HW and STB also have some level of character focus ofc, but it's very selective and even then the focus is based on them in the specific context of the current conflict.

But in SHB, the story bends around the characters' narratives, rather than the other way around. The story forms to put them in situations that challenges their flaws and limitations, by forcing them to confront it and actually deal with it. Even just at the very beginning, you see the twins being dealt a terrible hand that very neatly clashes against their faults.

Alisaie is confronted with a situation that she can and could never do anything about. She has no means to help the patients (at the time at least). The only way for her to help them is by eradicating the source of the affliction itself: the Light. But the Light isn't just some Big Bad she can kill and be done with. Even when all the lightwardens are down the Light is still there, it's just more manageable. Alisaie learns to not only see the bigger picture, but to care for it for her own reasons. For all that she has participated in Big Operations, it has always been because that's what others were doing, what others cared for to be done. She feels for the people of Doma and Ala Mhigo, but she didn't set out to liberate their homelands because she has any personal investment in it. But other people do, and she cares about what other people- be they strangers or friends- care about.

Caring about other peoples feelings and opinions isn't a flaw by itself of course, but doing things without any sense of personal purpose, is. This is what SHB helps her fix and confront, because it is personal now, she does it because she cares.

Alphinaud is forced into a situation where diplomacy and negotiations does and would never work. He can't talk himself into Eulemore, and he sure as hell can't convince Vauthry or the free citizens to let go of their life of ignorant luxury. The problem here also isn't as straightforward as a corrupt ruler, because even after Vauthry is revealed for the bastard he is, it takes considerable effort and convincing to get them to get off their asses and get to work. It's one thing to change the minds of people who wanted the same outcome just in a different way (like Ishgard- they rejected unity with the dragons, but they still wanted an end to the war), but it's another thing entirely to convince people that another way of life is even worth it.

And this is what SHB teaches Alphinaud, that words and deeds can achieve much, but that there is much more to diplomacy than appealing to their wants and/or sensibilities to convince them of an alternative outcome. His development may not be as immediately noticable as some of the others (largely bc he had a lot of it already from HW), but it is still very much there.

Urianger's development had already been build up and sort-of started already, but we don't really get to see it until it near explodes in his face after we kill Vauthry. Even after he swore off secrecy, he's forced to confront his morals when the Exarch bids his assistance. Urianger has always been looking at the greater picture, to the point he'd almost lose himself in it if it wasn't for the overwhelming guilt he feels. He works with the Exarch, because he knows he's the only one capable of it, and he hates the very fact that he is. When the climax of the plan is about to be executed, he is pained to the point that even he can't mask it anymore. He has betrayed their trust once more and once more it will result in the death of a friend.

But it doesn't, and that's what's needed for him to confront himself. As terrible and unexpected as the circumstances around it was, it did show him that there are other ways. There is no one way to solve a problem, the first choice doesn't need to be the only one. And he would find those other ones of he had just talked to the others.

The pay-off doesn't quite come until EW, where we see him actively make the choice to go against his first instinct of acquiesing to the Loporrits' plans, and instead chooses to consult us, but that scene wouldn't have made sense or even happened had it not been for his development in SHB.

Now, Y'shtola is a bit of an odd one because while she does get her due focus, she doesn't quite get the same amount of development as the others. Rather, it shows how she thrives when not held back by others interests and (often somewhat needless) bounderies. Her intelligence and charisma have the chance to shine, her independence and confidence now rewarded rather than punished. In ARR, she is constantly annoyed by the Maelstroms way of dealing with things, and how no one bothers to actually listen to her. Her advice and reprimands are almost entirely ignored until the problem blows up in their faces and they have no choice but to concede that she was right.

Being independent and confident aren't flaws by themselves, but her sometimes aggressive approaches to telling others off does her few favors. In SHB, she has the Night's Blessed who actually heed her word and respect her, they listen to her and actually take what she says- be it advise or reprimand- to heart.

She does also, however, have to deal with Thancred who, much like the Maelstrom, ignores her reprimands and doesn't listen to her. The difference here is that her bluntness actually serves a purpose. In ARR, her bluntness lacks tact and meaning, simply a result of frustration. The Maelstrom won't listen to someone who doesn't come up with fleshed-out arguments and solutions, but Y'shtola doesn't bother giving them any until she knows they'll listen. But with Thancred, she does give him the solution. It's just that the solution is him. His words, to be precise, and his acceptance. And he needs to be reminded of that, and she does. It doesn't automatically solve anything, but that's simply how it is with complicated situations like that.

Speaking of Thancred, his narrative is probably the most important of all for SHB. He's always been shown as a capable, but ultimately self-destructive man who genuinely does not know how to deal with himself in a healthy manner. Theoretically speaking he knows, he recognizes that he is self-destructive, but he still has no idea how to actually fix it. It's been shown as early as ARR when it results in him getting possessed, but it's not really made a point of until it almost ruins his relationship with Ryne. Up until now he could just ignore his problems, but with Ryne he can't because now The Problem(s) aren't just his anymore. Anything that would hurt him now would also hurt her, meaning that if he wants to continue doing the one thing he actually cares about (protecting his loved ones) then he needs to get his shit together.

But Thancred doesn't know how to. And for all that his friends try and try to help him, he doesn't know how to. He's paralyzed. Thancred is so deep into his self-destructive habits that it takes the threat of both his and the person(s) he loves the most in the worlds deaths to get him into action. He doesn't know if it's Minfilia or Ryne who will return, and I'm not sure he expected to survive Ran'jit. He only has this chance, and if he wants to die without (as many) regrets he has to do something now.

And he does. He does and what it is he does is tell Ryne that whatever happens, it has to be her own choice. That he will accept any outcome, that he will still care about her no matter what, that as long as she lives or dies as she wants to, that he still loves her. He still loves her. And it works, because that's what he's needed to do all this time, to be able to just tell her that she matters. That he cares.

He tells her to live her own life, and he learns to live his own too.

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brizie-doodles · 2 years

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Hey this hasn't been a super huge issue for me but I just wanna say please don't interact with my art/follow me if you're gonna be ugly or weird abt my black character art! Block me and go away please!

#just saying bc last time i let it slide and it was super old art but still. its happening again and im at negative patience capacity 🙃#i havent drawn as many characters black as i want to bc of time + the thought dealing w negative comments #ive been just deleting them and building confidence #if i get another passive aggressive or just straight up hateful remark I'm going to start killing i think <3 i deserve it <3 #also please for the love of GOD if youre not black dont make chocolate comments/tags!!!#its. so uncomfy to hear from nb people ESPECIALLY if we aint close like that!!!#like i said it hasn't been super huge bc i dont have a lot of it but im tired. i am TIRED!!! i want to make more and Will get the energy #but yeah. just something that was irking me #ik despite this ill still see and encounter shit but for the people here listening. yeah #brizie rambles #FOUND MY FUCKING TAG. WINNING!!!

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littlejuicebox · 2 months

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GINAAA MY GIRL!

Sending you a dadstarion prompt because you already know I LOVEEE your dadstarion content.

How did Tav find out she was pregnant with baby Gale? And how did Astarion react to the news?! Inquiring minds want to know.

To have and to hold.

Such a lovely prompt, my friend! Hope you like it!

Summary: Astarion turned mortal a few months ago, and this is his first-time experiencing illness of any kind. Unfortunately, as soon as he recovers, you start to show signs of sickness as well. Your condition is a bit different from his, though. (For more of this series check out the ‘Dadstarion’ section of my master list.)

Tags/Warnings: Dadstarion, domestic af, fluff, talk of illness, talk of vomiting, the mildest of angst with the mostest of comfort, pregnancy, etc.

A/N: I work in healthcare, not law, so I can’t guarantee the legalese is accurate lol.

Word count: 2.3K

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“Don’t come closer, darling, I’m disgusting.” Astarion groans from where you find him one morning, curled up on the bathroom floor.

It had been a few months since Gale of Waterdeep cast Wish, and from that moment until now the retired rogue had been a happy, healthy mortal. There were so many benefits to curing his vampirism that the elf never fully considered one of the major downsides… illness.

He’d never experienced a malady like this in his life. At least not in the one he could remember.

It’s horrible.

How had his little love or any of his friends endured this, more than once, in the past ten years?

Astarion is quite certain he contracted food poisoning from that questionable slab of salmon he ate at the Blushing Mermaid yesterday evening. He never did understand why you liked eating at that lowbrow tavern in the first place.

You crouch to examine your husband, pressing a soothing hand onto his forehead before running it down to cup his cheek.

“Astarion, my love, you have a fever.” You murmur, frowning with concern as you push sweaty curls from his face.

“Please make more obvious observations, dear,” Astarion gripes as he forces himself to sit up, still clutching his stomach. Gods, the vile churning in his gut is incessant.

He’s about to continue on with his quip, but the sudden urge to be sick forces the elf to shut up and scramble to the toilet. You hear the sounds of violent retching moments later.

“We are never going back to the Blushing Mermaid,” Astarion grumbles once the wave of illness subsides. His face is pressed against the toilet; all sense of decorum is gone. The rotten fish poisoning his insides won over any bits of pride he might have been clinging to.

You move to grab a wash rag, dampening it under the tap before kneeling back down by your husband.

“Poor thing,” You coo, folding the cloth in half before dabbing it against the back of Astarion’s neck, hoping to ease the fever.

The elf’s eyes flutter closed as he allows you to fawn over him for a moment. And then he groans and flicks his hand, palm faced downward, as if trying to shoo you away. His voice is hoarse when he says, “Just leave me here and go get ready for your meeting, darling. I’ll be fine.”

“In sickness and in health, remember?” You ask, running the cool cloth over Astarion’s face, causing him to sigh thankfully at the slight relief, “I’ll send word to the other Counsellors to inform them that I won’t be attending. You’ve never been ill before; I don’t want to leave you like this. Wyll can fill me in later.”

“Yes, ‘in sickness and in health’ and all that, darling, but those vows also included ‘until death do us part’ and I was an immortal vampire when we made them. So you were technically entering that verbal contract under false pretenses, which one could argue means it’s null and void. Go to the meeting, it’s—“

Astarion almost manages to finish his rambling legalese before more putrid liquid spews out of his mouth. When he’s finished vomiting, he whines again, any bit of stubborn resilience and feeble attempts at selflessness abandoned.

“On second thought, maybe you should stay here,” He says, his chest heaving with exertion as he clenches his eyes shut, “Please tell me you have a spell for this.”

“Unfortunately not, my love. I only have a spell for curses. Best I can do is half a bottle of Elixir of Health, some ginger-peppermint tea, and a bath.” You sigh, already crossing the bathroom on your way to the tub. You fiddle with the taps for a moment to start the bath and then begin to pour oils into the flowing water.

“Deal,” Your husband mutters, peeling off his sweat-soaked night shirt, “But none of that vile honey you got at the market here in town for my tea; I want the one Shadowheart and Lae’zel sent from Neverwinter.”

“Anything you say, Lord Ancunin.” You joke, rolling your eyes at your husband’s fussiness. He’d barely regained his sense of taste a few months ago and already favored upscale ingredients and meals, as if mortal food hadn’t been but ash in his mouth for two hundred years.

The elf glares at your insolence but doesn’t retort; he’s too busy trying to keep himself from vomiting again.

The following morning, Astarion wakes feeling much better. Practically brand new, in fact. It seems the potion and your strange flower child medicine must have done the trick. He sighs a breath of relief and then rolls to snuggle against you for a few more precious moments. He reaches his arms out and grasps at nothing but air.

The silver-haired elf immediately frowns and sits up. That’s exceptionally odd. You were not a morning person; you never had been in the ten years he’d known you. You always slept in longer than him, even in the wilds. On more than one occasion he’d had to lure you out of your nearly comatose slumber with the tempting smells of coffee and breakfast.

Astarion hears you gagging in the bathroom and goes to investigate. He soon finds you clinging to the toilet, practically mirroring how he looked the day prior.

“Oh no, little love, do you think you have food poisoning, too?” He questions, frowning slightly before kneeling down to press his hand against your forehead just like you’d done to him, “No fever, though.”

You whine, leaning into your husband’s hand before grumbling, “Damn the Blushing Mermaid straight to Stygia! Why do I even like that place, again?”

Astarion laughs, “I’ve been wondering the same thing for years, dear. I hope now you’ll finally reconsider. Do you want some tea and a bath?”

“Please,” You say, just before another wave of nausea hits you, forcing you to throw your head into the toilet and gag. Frustratingly, not much actually comes out despite the waves of sickness coursing through your body.

Gods, you wish you could simply vomit and feel relief.

Astarion begins to prepare the appropriate remedies, much like you’d done for him the day before. Thankfully, you seem to recover much faster than he did, and by midday you look and feel completely normal.

Good thing, too. You two were out of any elixirs that may have helped you had your ailment been as severe as Astarion's.

“Perhaps I’m just a better healer than you, darling.” The silver-haired elf teases as the two of you take afternoon tea in the sunroom.

“Perhaps I’m just stronger and more resilient than you, my love.” You retort, wrinkling your nose in jest at your husband.

He chuckles softly and then presses a kiss to your nose, “Agree to disagree.”

Astarion thinks the two of you are past this bit of bad luck, but when he wakes the following morning, he hears you retching once again.

When the elf finds you in the bathroom, appearing as almost an exact repeat of yesterday, though perhaps a bit worse, his brow furrows.

“Darling, I'm worried now. You look more ill than before. Perhaps we should take a trip to Jaheira? I can head to the apothecary for another Elixir of Health while she looks you over.” He murmurs gently, extending his hands to pull you to your feet.

You simply nod in agreement, too nauseated to do more than follow your husband’s lead as he slips you into a set of robes and ushers you into the carriage.

When Astarion returns to Jaheira’s after dashing out to the apothecary, he finds you sitting at the druid’s dining table. The two of you stop whatever hushed conversation you’d been having and turn to look at him in unison.

“Feeling any better, Tav?” He asks, coming to stand by your side before placing a worried hand upon your shoulder. You simply cover your hand with his and nod in response.

“Much better,” You say, flashing your husband a small smile. Something about your expression looks hazed, as if you’re stuck in a daydream. Poor thing, you're probably exhausted and experiencing brain fog.

“I’m sure you’ll be just fine with the teas and medicinals I’ve given you,” Jaheira assures, her eyes flickering between the two of you. She grins for the briefest moment before falling back into her typical, more serious demeanor.

Astarion swears he feels like something is off, but when he turns to give you a questioning look, you’re the picture of happiness as you sip from your tea cup, finishing it off.

Well, at least you’re doing what Jaheira has prescribed.

“What about the Elixir of Health I’ve just purchased?” Your husband asks, lifting the bag in his hand, “Will that help?”

“Oh, I recommend you keep it for something else. I don’t think Tav needs it for this,” The druid responds before standing, signaling it’s the end of the visit. She was always quite straight forward and lacking in certain genteel social graces, in Astarion’s opinion.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with the Harpers.”

You quickly bid your goodbyes and Astarion helps you back into the carriage, eager to get you back to bed so that you can sleep off the rest of this sickness.

Astarion notices you’re uncharacteristically quiet on the carriage ride home. He typically doesn’t mind when you’re in one of your pensive, stoic moods. But this illness of yours had him more anxious than usual and he had to know more about Jaheira’s examination results, if only to ease his own worries.

“Darling,” He starts, taking your hand in his. But you don’t seem to hear him; you’re still lost in your own little world.

“My love,” He says, this time a bit more urgently, squeezing your hand just enough to pull your attention to him, “What did Jaheira say, exactly? Did she mention how long this illness will last?”

“Oh, the nausea will probably go on for a few weeks,” You reply, a goofy, lopsided smile breaking across your face. You cannot stifle your grin at the little secret you know you’ll be unable to keep for more than a few moments longer.

“Weeks?” Astarion questions, his voice pitching up with worry and brows stitching together in concern.

Why in the hells are you smiling? What druid bullshit was in the tea Jaheira gave you?

He folds his arms across his chest, not at all pleased by the lack of seriousness you seem to display. The idea of you being sick for weeks makes his heart hurt and his stomach churn as if he’s still sick. He could never stand to see you uncomfortable.

“Tav, are you drugged? This is serious. I fail to see what there is to be smiling about right now. You’re going to be nauseous for weeks and you can’t use an Elixir of Health? Are you absolutely sure Jaheira even knows what she’s—“

“I’m pregnant, Astarion,” You interrupt, and you cannot help but to laugh at your husband as his mouth hangs open mid-sentence, frozen in shock.

He blinks for a moment or two, otherwise completely still as his brain rushes to process the new information.

When the elf finally regains his composure and finds his ability to speak, he shoots out a flustered, rambled, “Darling, I— I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m not certain I heard you correctly. The road is quite bumpy and the wheels of the carriage are loud— I think they need oil— and the horses—“

You laugh and firmly grasp your husband’s hand, wholly capturing his attention before murmuring, “You ridiculous elf. You heard me the first time. I’m pregnant, Astarion.”

You don’t think you’ve ever seen a bigger grin cross your husband’s face.

“Tav, darling, I— gods, just come here to me.”

Astarion’s lips crash into yours, and he’s smiling into the kiss as he threads a hand through your hair, intent on pressing you closer into him. A tiny, delighted hum escapes your husband as he uses the kiss to express all the feelings he cannot yet put into words.

When he finally pulls away, he cups your face with his hands and peppers a few more kisses upon your lips.

“Is this your way of telling me you’re happy about this, Astarion?” You ask, grinning at your husband as he gazes upon you with the most besotted eyes you’ve ever seen.

“Thrilled, my love,” He whispers, before pressing forward to kiss you again, trying to convey the depth of his excitement with his affections. He doesn’t let go of you the rest of the way home, almost desperate to cover you in worshipful kisses, each one a little vow of love to you.

You notice he's unusually quiet, but then, he’s far too busy smiling and smooching to do much talking.

Later that evening, you move to get out of bed and head toward the bedchamber door.

“Ah, ah, ah. Where do you think you’re going, little love?” Astarion calls, already tossing his book aside to follow after you, “What do you need? Let me bring it to you.”

“I just wanted a cup of water, Astarion. I can go get—“ You start, but he quickly presses a kiss to your lips, effectively quieting you.

“Hush, my love. You’re still nauseated and you’re carrying very precious cargo.” He gently chastises as he turns you by your shoulders and steers you back toward the bed.

“You’re being dramatic,” You grumble, sitting back down in the bed and wrinkling your nose at your husband.

“Perhaps,” He agrees, grinning down at you as he gently folds the blankets back around your legs, “But you knew exactly the type of theatrics you signed up for when you married me, darling. 'To have and to hold, to love and to cherish' and all that, hm?”

And in that moment, Astarion was certain he’d never love and cherish anything more than you.

Nine months later, the little silver-haired newborn he held in his arms would prove him wrong.

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ghostoffuturespast · 4 months

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hey ghostie i was gna get specific for the ask game but I wanna know *all* of it now, the acronyms, the full names, all of em! are they for cyberpunk or other fandoms? no matter how much there is to know, i wanna know! talking about an idea helps a lot, i speak from experience! thanks for the mention, ill get on the wip game soon, too! ❤️

WIP Game Here

Thank you for the ask! I appreciate it :) They are all Cyberpunk 2077 things lol. I’ve largely been a lurker in other fandoms until this one, and this is the first one that finally compelled me to make stuff and that I’ve had the bravery to share. Don’t have many snippets at the moment, all of what I have so far is already out there. Since you asked for all of them though, I shall dish and give you a bit of a peak behind the curtain on how all this got started…

(I’m sorry, this got very rambly.)

And def tag me when you do yours! I will come find you and your wips! 🧡

SIG - So It Goes

(The title is based off the radio song from the game that you can listen to on Morro Rock. Never officially released and credited to the fictional band Fingers and the Outlaws in the game. Officially sung by Ryan Kattner, the front singer of the band Man Man.)

SIG is my current V/River conspiracy theory long fic that I’m working on, and the project is coming up on its two year anniversary. It’s also my first fic. I’m hoping to wrap it up this spring so I can move on to other creative endeavors. There are a lot of art projects, fandom and non-fandom related, that I’ve held off on because of this and I miss those hobbies. I also feel like I’ve been missing out a lot in the writing corner of the fandom too because a lot of new writers have popped up on the scene since I started (back when there was still a monopoly on the tag, but that’s a different story) and everyone else seems to be having fun reading everyone else’s fics, except me… Reading’s complicated for me right now. Writing this had a lot of ups and downs, but overall I’ve loved telling this story, learned a lot, and I’m really proud of it!

I think most people get into fic writing for the ships, the romance, the smut, the processing of internalized trauma, a more satisfactory ending, weird niche interests… And don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of appeal with all that, and definitely those aspects in my own work. But this whole thing got started because of conspiracy theories. I fucking love mysteries and puzzles, so after playing the sun ending and then I spotting Mr. Blue Eyes on the balcony during the conclusion of Dream On, I just about lost my damn mind. I went down the rabbit hole, spent hours reading shards and messages in the game, combed reddit theory posts, and started picking up on all the hints and foreshadowing of something larger looming throughout the game.

I initially didn’t have any answers when I made the decision to start this fic (fuck, high probability I still don’t), it was largely me brainstorming and trying to figure out what kind of story I wanted to write. Seeing if I could even piece things together. But in the process of thinking all that through, I came up with this little theory. I thought it was pretty mind blowing at the time (still think it is) but it’s been my little secret since I got here and I’m very anxious to finally share it.

Most people probably would have just written a theory post and been done with it, but I decided to turn mine into a fan fic lol. Which may or not have been a mistake, we’ll see. This is either gonna be game changing or everyone is going to think it’s dumb and I’m gonna be wearing a dunce cap for the next fifty years.

River Ward. The other half of my reason for writing this fic. I actually wasn’t sure if I liked him at first, it took me a while to warm up to him. But the more I got to know him, the more I started to like him. The more he grew on me. He got hotter over time. Plus, I’ve got a fondness for detective characters and unusual coats, so I should’ve seen it coming.

River’s gotten a lot of flak from this fandom. People claim he’s boring. He’s a cop, so acab. Being unemployed and living in a trailer park with your sister, niece, and nephews isn’t a particularly redeeming quality. I don’t agree with most of those statements, but I do agree with the folks who do appreciate his character, that in terms of development, he absolutely got shafted in the game. This fic is also an attempt to rectify that.

For as underdeveloped as his story arc was, there’s a lot of nuance to his character that I think gets glossed over by the game and most people. We didn’t get much, but out of what we did get, it’s been interesting trying to piece a story together that’s in line with what we got. And I did mention earlier that I like puzzles.

I’ve noticed that a lot of folks tend to lean very hard into the cop aspect of his character, but as far as I’m concerned, River Ward doesn’t give a shit about the law. Conducting an off the record investigation, intimidating a confidential informant, illegally obtaining evidence, breaking into a restricted lab, committing arson for your ex so she can pass a medical exam, conducting another investigation after being suspended; those are not the actions of a man who holds the letter of the law above all else. Those are the actions of man who is determined to get to the bottom of things, and protect people, all while navigating a system that is anything but equitable or fair. They are the actions of a man who is willing to go above and beyond for the people he cares about, even to his own detriment. His own safety. For River Ward, it was never about the law, it’s about justice. And pursuing that sometimes involves breaking the rules.

River is also Pomo. Which is something that was only added in subsequent patches, heavily glossed over in the game, and is only disclosed if you choose to actually romance him. But he’s Indigenous. Native American. And yet he still made a conscious decision to join the NCPD. Given the historical participation by law enforcement and government institutions in North America, and around the world, in the cultural erasure and mass genocide of entire nations, tribes, and communities of people. And given the current state of issues regarding law and judicial enforcement on tribal lands, I think River's character is a rather poignant reflection. Of wanting to good, of wanting the world to be better, but being confined in systems that simply won't allow that. There's a billion other little details I could ramble on about, but his character had the capacity to walk a very fine line of complexities which the game never really did justice to.

Diversity and representation in media are important to me, and I want this fic to reflect that. Being bi-racial, I didn’t get very much of it growing up, so if I can provide representation, even in some small capacity, I think it’s better than nothing. And while I don’t know if I’m achieving that, well, shit if I’m not trying.

I wouldn’t say this story was really meant to be original, but rather to fill in the gaps on the story we got and for me to practice writing. Practice telling a story. CP2077 is a violent game set in a violent world. And I somehow managed to start writing a story that accidentally ended up being a love letter to aikido. (Much to my chagrin. It’s everywhere. In everything. I cannot escape it.) Aikido is a martial art that translates “to the way of peace” or “the path of harmony.” Yet again, another study in dichotomies. How can a martial art, an art form designed to inflict violence, be peaceful? Aikido is as much of a martial art as it is a philosophy. We train to practice and learn that philosophy.

One of the major themes I’m exploring in this fic series is the nature of violence. What it is, the forms it takes, how cyclical it is, that it is a relationship - violence requires your participation. So the question ends up being: how do you break cycles of violence when you live in a world where you are beholden to it? V and River are very much two characters that are caught up in cycles of violence. Will they find peace? I don’t know, but maybe they can find out together.

From The Top

(This one isn’t named after a song. I just decided to start from the beginning.)

From The Top is the VP project I started up last spring where I’ve been taking storyboard style photos of all the main missions. Plus whatever else I feel like. I take all of my photos on PS5 in vanilla photomode and randomly started snapping pictures just because. I did landscape photos, shared a few. Got a bit of nice feedback from people who cared to look and then started branching out. I eventually got to the point where I started a new playthrough for the sole purpose of snapping photos.

Taking VP is very different from writing for me. I don’t have to think about. I don’t agonize about making sure every tiny detail is just right, because for the most part I don’t have very much control It’s candid, intuitive, experimental, it’s straight up play. I simply wait for opportunities to present themselves and capture whatever I think looks or feels interesting to me. It’s easy for me to walk away from it if it doesn’t do well when I post. Unlike my writing, there’s no ego attached to it.

I’m getting to the tail end of this project, I still have a couple of the base game missions to get through, but I’d also like to do Phantom Liberty as well. Not sure what my VP career is going to look like after this, might go into soft retirement. But that’s okay.

NR - Night Running

(Named after Night Running by Cage the Elephant)

Is a sleeper wip that’s currently in the notes, brainstorming, and kitchen drawer phase. It’s part 2 of my Nothing Comes Before Night City series. So It Goes is part 1.

It takes a long time for me to mull over and ruminate on ideas, so this document is largely just a repository for notes and thoughts. Jamming the utensils in the drawer until I’m ready to organize them. I have a very broad idea of what I’d like to happen in this fic, key moments I’d like to hit, but there’s still a lot of refinement that needs to happen, and stories this involved require me outlining. I do already have a running set list of songs to draw from though.

Les Preludes

(Named after Les Preludes by Franz Liszt)

Another sleeper wip, also in the brainstorming phase. These are meant to be one-shots or short stories from the Nothing Comes Before Night City series. Moments I mentioned in the series, but can’t fit into the larger story. Character studies and background lore from V, River, Johnny, Jackie, a couple of OCs and whatever else I can think of.

I will probably start casually working on these after I finish SIG and while I’m outlining NR. I’d like the series to go in chronological order. Should be fun. And I think it’ll be good practice for being more concise. Unlike, this response...

If you stuck around for this TedTalk and made it all the way to the end, thank you! 👻

#wip game #ask away!#tag you're it #cyberpunk 2077 #from the top #fic: so it goes #works in progress #long post #river ward #nothing comes before night city

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ferromagnetiic · 3 months

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low activity / small semi-hiatus

// somewhat negative, bad physical/mental health talk under the read more.

yeah, i'm not doing okay at the moment at all. ( • ᴖ • ｡ )

hey guys, just wanted to pop in and post a quick ooc note to address the radio silence. winter is always a bad time for me in terms of both physical and mental health, and it's hitting me extra hard this year. i started going down with a lot of viruses in december, and i haven't really had any break between one illness before getting hit in the face with a new one— the latest being this horrible stomach bug i caught in the middle of january that’s taking forever to go.

needless to say, being this sick without a break is having a really averse effect on my mental state and depression has hit me like a truck and made everything worse, unfortunately.

i have SO many nice things to reply to and i feel bad that i'm taking such a long time to do anything; especially when i still have a whole bunch of incredibly sweet messages for kid's birthday sitting in my inbox. 💔 not to mention all the OTHER character birthdays that i DEFINITELY want to be writing things for in return as well!! (dw i haven’t forgotten anyone kiss kiss, kid’s gonna bother all your birthday babies whether they like it or not.)

i saw all the things people have tagged me in while i've been away and it cheered me up a lot. everyone is so lovely, and i’m so lucky to have such incredible friends.

thank you for being patient with me. i'm not making this into a formal hiatus or anything, i'll still be around liking stuff and sending stuff in when i can, i just thought i should post an update.

sorry for the ramble. love you all, miss you a lot!

#ooc #【 ⚙ ˊˎ | UNFORTUNATE HOSTAGE | ooc. 】#// i need to get better in time for valentines day ;;;#// kid drank so much over his birthday that he ruined his liver and he's in recovery now so that's why he's away. /j #// uses his massive body as a seat.

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sad-leon · 8 months

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Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

#vent post #tw vent #long post #tw exhaustion #tw burnout

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kangel104 · 20 days

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INTRO!!!

This will hopefully be the first and last time I break character on either of my NSO blogs, but I felt it was necessary to post a real intro considering the things that will be posted on this account.

(TL;DR @ the bottom)

DISCLAIMER!!!

These blogs were created with the purpose of being a creative outlet for my trauma and mental illness. This means that some of the content on this page might be unpleasant for some people. If that's the case, don't view my blog.

To start things off...

16+ only, please. I want to create a safe space for as many people as I can, but I don't want to be responsible for influencing any kids into doing any of the things I speak about.

For anonymity, I'm not going to tell you my actual name, so please just call me Kangel or Ame, depending on the blog you are viewing.

I will do my best to always tag any possible triggers on my heavier posts, so please correct me if I miss a tag or incorrectly tag something.

TRIGGER WARNINGS!!

As I just mentioned, there will be a lot of triggering things posted on both of these blogs. Because of that, I'd like to compile what will be the most common trigger warnings to look out for on this page (will be updated as I post to remain accurate)

Mentions of grooming

Mentions of past trauma

Neglect

Fear of abandonment

Long rambles during panic attacks

Addiction

Abuse/toxic relationships

Intrusive thoughts

Self-harm

Mentions of suicidality

A Bit About Me

I like Jirai and the message it sends as it's something I heavily relate to. I don't have any jirai clothing yet, but I'm saving to buy my first item asap! I also really like vocaloid, visual kei, breakcore, and honestly most kinds of music haha.

If you couldn't guess, I really like NSO. The kind of person Ame-chan is really spoke to me. I've always wanted to take on a new persona online, and what better way than a Kangel blog! I'll speak a little more on the roles of each blog later, tho <3

I really like RPGs like Persona and Final Fantasy as I grew up playing both. They're both really comforting games for me.

I suspect I have Autism and either BPD or bipolar. I'm in the process of trying to find a psychologist to get an assessment and confirm my suspicions, but it's hard to find anyone where I live.

The Kangel blog!

This blog is where I'll post my lighter content. It's my distraction from my actual life and is only there for me to pretend I'm someone else. This means that while I'm on the Kangel blog, I'll do things like write in American-English as it's another layer of disconnect from my real life.

There will be much less triggering content on this blog, but there will be an occasional vent post, but that will likely be written in the style of the in-game vent streams and tweets. That means it will likely be a bit dramatised to sound entertaining. Those posts will still have tagged TWs regardless.

The Ame-Chan blog!

This blog is like the priv Twitter account that Ame has in-game. Darker posts will go here, and almost everything will be a vent of some kind. If I feel it's necessary, I will also add a 'check the tags' disclaimer at the beginning of the post so you can decide whether you're in the right headspace to read that post.

This blog is essentially a public diary, which means there will be a lot of in-depth description of my current state and any retelling of past trauma. "Traumadumping" about my childhood will be kept at a minimum though.

This also means that I will occasionally post about dreams I have. I rarely have good dreams, and they're almost always some kind of dream relating to trauma. These normally have a different list of TWs to look out for (including the original list).

I will list those below:

Kidnapping

SA (sometimes explicit, but I will likely never go into those details unless I found it particularly distressing. Those will always be under different tags, though)

Running away/homelessness

Survival game type story line

Physical abandonment

Murder

There will likely be more added as this account develops.

Both blogs, but primarily the Ame one, will occasionally mention a P-Chan. This refers to two different people, but I'll never disclose which is which. This is mostly for privacy.

P-Chan 1 refers to a real-life person I know and have a semi-toxic friendship with. If the bpd allegations turn out to be right, I'd assume they're my 'favourite person'.

P-Chan 2 is fake. They don't exist. They're a character in my head who is my ideal person. They exist so that I have someone to project my unhealthy obsession onto instead of the real P-Chan. This often also means posting the intrusive thoughts I have around P-Chan.

OUTRO!!!

I tried to keep this short while having as much info about this page as needed. I hope this can be a safe space for anyone who relates to me and wants to get to know me <33

TL;DR

Mentally ill girl creates blogs to ignore her problems and vent while staying as anonymous as she can. Triggering posts galore, but it will be tagged to the best of my ability

#ooc #introduction post #intro post #trigger warning list #menhera #jirai kei #needy streamer overload #pien kei #ぴえん系 #landmine girl #kangel104 #amechan26

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auspexsims · 2 months

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Well, I made it past one generation. As a voluntarily unmedicated ADHDer, I am simply shocked! To not break the flow of the content I've kept my thoughts mostly in tags, but I think I want to ramble a little bit once in a while, maybe at the start of each generation for anyone who's interested in thought process stuff!

One of the many rules I am respectfully modifying from the original challenge is the concept of male heirs only pre-1920s - we're close enough, with Olivia turning 18 in 1916 - but more than that, this first generation was special!

@agentoctosims and I have collaborated on Theodore and Talia for many years, and one of the things we've worked out in that time is their children, i.e. the fact they have 4, and their essential appearances and personalities. Beauregard, in my mind, has always been firmly aroace, and I wanted to honor that about him. Same with little Sulien, who will grow up and realize he is gay. Therefore this first gen... was kind of rigged from the start to not have a 'viable' male heir. And the wildcard of Olivia having a quietly spirited and ambitious (unplanned!) cousin Laurie has given her a life path that I didn't expect, that I think lends itself beautifully to an heir's story.

Aside from that as well, I know and @agentoctosims has told me how deeply Theo would regret having 'ruined' Talia's life. Talia has lived through many incarnations and universes, and to be perfectly honest, being stuck at home having kids and never seeing the world outside of Brindleton Bay is a bleak AU for her to be in. I usually have her casting spells, scaling mountains, becoming famous and exploring every continent - the life she led in this challenge is not true to her heart, and it's quite sad. I think I let myself be too influenced by how other people interpreted and started their Decades challenges, and in retrospect, I would have started her off more like herself - adventuring somewhere in Selvadorada, Victorian puff sleeves and all, and meeting Theodore through some unbelievable meet-cute abroad.

So, that being said, to be true to who Theo is as a father, he simply wouldn't be able to not give his daughters as many opportunities as his sons and encourage them to fly free in the way he feels his wife couldn't fly free. In that vein, I think of Joaquin Sorolla and his painting of his daughter - "Maria Painting in El Pardo" - and how he painted it after she recovered from tuberculosis enough to come out and paint with him again for the first time after her illness, one that absolutely could have taken her life. He turned his easel and chair in her direction, and memorialized that his little grown up apprentice was painting with him once more. Perhaps there was a time he thought they might not get that chance again. It moved me very deeply to learn that and see the painting in person. There have always been fathers in history who have poured their love and skill and ambitions into their daughters.

I hope to post more young modern Theo and Talia on this blog if it doesn't break the decades flow too badly? I've been chipping away at different AUs and appearances for them and they still remain one of my greatest inspirations. I don't regret using them to get my feet wet and slowly experiment with CC, Reshade, mods, etc in TS4, but their stories can be much better told now!

We'll see what tragedies Olivia discovers in the next 25 years! I am kicking myself a little that I made such a long goddamn family name, and it's going to go away within 1 generation, but... oh well :')

#rheist calaise legacy

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selfidentifiednerdyprude · 1 year

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kink & asexuality: further thoughts

inspired by these tags via @\skelebk on this post (not tagging them because this post might get a little tmi and they're like. a stranger. but I do want to credit them for giving me the inspiration for this rant because their tags bring up something important that I feel needs to be discussed)

(also, disclaimer that this post isn't trying to change anyone's mind. if you're happy in the kink scene, great! I want you to keep being happy. but this post is about why I, personally, was not happy in the kink scene, and how I made myself a hell of a lot happier once I left it.)

#had a friend who was very into the kink scene#would go to those kink clubs sort of into the scene#they would go on a lot about kink and how great it is and would encourage me to try it out#at some point it started to feel like talking to a religious person who keeps trying to convert you#they also IDed as ace and knew I did too#they kept stressing it wasn't all sexual#it was very tiring#ace#some people just need therapy and not kink#and that's okay

and I want to ramble for a second (it might be gibberish but I am asking you to please bear with me here) about "they kept stressing it wasn't all sexual"

because that's one of those things, like "some aces have sex"/"some aros can be in romantic relationships" that is... true, I guess, but also missing the point. because yeah, not everything under the umbrella of kink involves bumping uglies. that's true. however, the vast majority of how the kink community is organized and structured, its aesthetics, what is talked about within those spaces, what is assumed of people who choose to spend their time within it, etc. exists with the expectation that there is a psychosexual nature to the activities being performed. I know this, from my ill-fated attempts to fit my kind of relationship into the paradigm of kinky power exchange. I also know this from my time trying to do conventional kinky power exchange in a "nonsexual" (but still, because of the nature of kinky power exchange, psychosexual) way.

"nonsexual" kink is, more often than not, still psychosexual. "nonsexual" kink done in an unsafe, irresponsible, or abusive manner can still affect someone in much the same way that sexual trauma can affect someone. and most importantly, "nonsexual" kink is still incredibly dangerous to participate in unless you are a mature and autonomous adult with a good handle on how you react in difficult or stressful situations.

the thing is, though, there are elements of kink that have applications outside of the psychosexual. but if someone wants to explore a certain not directly sexual thing that happens to also fall under the umbrella of kink, whether that not-directly-sexual thing is leader/follower roles or certain types of sensory experiences or whatever, the kink community is often the only place to explore that. and it shouldn't be, especially when it is so hostile by design to so many who could benefit from things that originated within it.

personally, I think that what we need is other types of communities that aim to center different lenses through which these things are experienced. the kink community centers the psychosexual— we need communities that center the psychosocial, the spiritual, the sensory, the intellectual, the cathartic. we need communities that build on the work that kink communities have already done while also critiquing the places where kink communities fall short. I'm already kind of starting to do this, with Trusted Companionship (specifically, what I am doing is looking at power exchange from a psychosocial angle, focusing on consensual exploration of leader/follower roles as a liberatory practice for those who have had power wielded against them).

but we need more people doing the same thing from different angles, because just like kink as a paradigm won't work for everyone, Trusted Companionship as a paradigm won't work for everyone who kink doesn't work for.

and we also need to stop doing that annoying thing where we assume that the only way to have a healthy relationship at all is through kink. because jesus fuck, dude. why do we do that.

#asexuality #kink mention

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haeroniel-doliet · 1 year

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A lil updates and thoughts going on rn! Mostly about art again :') putting it under read more tho bc it got away from me again all rambly lmao

Hooo wheee! Life has been a little busy huh. Finally going to work again even if it is pretty much part time, other hobbies im keeping up with, trying to keep up on life admin and its going almost well! Shame im realizing i havent worked on my drawings in well over a month now 😅

Part of me is slightly dreading going back to them rn bc ive spent hours and hours on them already and they still need many hours before i post them....

You know that one guy on like tiktok/youtube shorts whos a really friendly old artist with a hobbit hole studio and does like 1hr paintings that look incredible? Obviously i dont expect myself being rusty and also not with years and years of experience to do the same but wouldn't that be the dream? To be able to just create and be done and happy with it in just an hour or a few and move on. How sad it is how many things i have started and not finished, outting in hours and hours where it doesnt really make even a super significant difference.

Also its that dinluke positivity week thing (god i hope this doesnt show up in the tag lmao sorry) i was really hyped months ago thinking its great prompts and great time to partake in my favourite fandom especially before february 2023 inevitably changes the scene in some way! But all of a sudden mid november is here and thats kinda terrifying! I have no clear idea for any of them, nothing im like desperate to draw and my current drawing doesnt really fit them either. Im thinking maybe i should try like, giving myself idk 2 hrs max to just make something beginning to end and if i hate it its ok i dont have to post it. But maybe i will and it could be fun! Sure i am too tired to properly do anything but idk, even making one post could give me excitement and hype for things i used to enjoy and something that isnt just real life and like job related.

To be fair i could also go for the much more guaranteed dopamine boost and play a video game ive been thinking of playing again for months. Sure i dunno which to choose and im not like super inclined to anything even tho i would like to play multiple of them again, just playing alone is a little boring i guess.

The more i spend just overthinking the quicker my sunday will be over and ill have to do next week and god knows ill be busy!! I should try drawing bc its there floating in my mind and could be easier to slip in into the day routine to do a little here and there rather than like, playing skyrim for 30 mins loll. Or oblivion bc for some reason ive been missing it. Or battlefront, even tho that is really hard to play without really trying my hardest and getting readjusted to the pace of it

Alright ok im gonna set up my digital art stuff, im gonna challenge myself to sketch something on theme for all the prompts and see what ends up catching my attention. If i can do 1 or even a couple of them thatd be really really neat!

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arleniansdoodles · 1 month

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Seeing as you are the reason i and im sure many others got into sifu i will he holding you accountable by forcing you to give any and all of your thoughts on sifu (specifically the dynamic between Sean, Mc, and Yang) (only if u want tho)

You dont understand i thrive on insane fandom conversations it pains me that there is basically none of that surrounding Sifu

Hahahaa duly noted, anon! If I’m indeed the reason for getting some more people into Sifu, then it’s an honour! XD And no worries at all, I too enjoy the fandom convos and rambling about headcanons; the Sifu fandom’s been pretty lonely in that regard 😅 So I shall proceed to hand over my Sifu headcanons!! Also, there may be some spoilers for my Sifu fic, but it’s mostly just a summary of the backstory stuff loll And this also got pretty long, so I’ve put most of it under a read-more tag 😉

The dynamic between Yang, MC, and Sean is my absolute favourite to think about! Starting with Yang – I headcanon that he was orphaned at a young age after losing his family to illness (which kickstarts his fear of losing loved ones). Sifu finds Yang and takes him in, and raises him (as does MC’s mother, Simou). It’s kinda like a Shang-Chi scenario: Sifu teaches Yang more of the fighting stuff while Simou teaches him the calmer things, like tai chi and qi gong.

I imagine he would’ve met Sean early on, and the two become fast friends in a “we’re both awkward, lonely runts who have trouble making friends” sort of way XD As a child, Sean wanted strength to defeat bullies, which inadvertently led to him defending those who are “weak” (which gets twisted as he gets older, as we see in the game). Sean defends Yang, and Yang looks out for him, and they become an inseparable duo!

When Yang falls in love and marries his wife, I think Sean would feel kinda jealous because he still struggles with his own love life; but more than that, Yang is his best friend, so he’s worried about them drifting apart. But even bigger is MC being born! Since Yang had a lack of affection/security as a kid (and was later taught by the affectionate Simou), he immediately “clicks” with MC and dives into taking care of her as a big brother figure. To him, the title is more than just being a fellow Kung-Fu student. He wants to be like an actual brother to MC and make sure she never feels abandoned or unloved by anyone. I think, next to Sifu and Simou, he develops the strongest emotional bond with MC out of everyone.

I also headcanon MC’s name is Yin, hence the connection between her and Yang XD But that’s a whole other ramble of headcanons 😆

I should also mention that I imagine Simou (MC's mother) dies when MC is still a baby, which adds to Yang's trauma of losing loved ones to illness. Thus, he's always hypervigilant whenever MC gets sick 😢

Anyways, MC is closest with Yang while growing up, and she’s his favourite student when it comes to Kung-Fu. I think MC would’ve been scared of Sean at first; he doesn’t like kids or hanging around them, but Yang says she can trust Sean. So, in order to push them together, I put MC and Sean through a Big Event that helped shift their impressions of each other, which led to their developing bond 😂 But I think part of what pushes MC to spend more time with Sean is that Yang gets busy with his own family, his wife and new daughter, etc.

With Sean and MC, I’d call it a sunshine-grumpy dynamic? Sean doesn’t like kids, but he does grow to love MC as his sister. With his life being full of chaos, danger, and unstable relationships, she’s the only one with feelings that remain constant. And in MC’s pov, Sean is someone who protects her and keeps her safe no matter how many dangerous situations they might accidentally get into (because Sean’s a fighter in the illegal fight club XD). I think MC also helps Sean feel like he’s still needed, y’know? She depends on him when Yang isn’t around, and he wants to do the right thing, but he feels like he can’t be a good enough brother, so there’s a whole bunch of angst to swim through there 😂

And those are the basics of what I have for Yang, MC, and Sean! I could undoubtedly go into paragraphs upon paragraphs about each of them, and detail all my thoughts about their backstory and how it leads up to / affects their dynamics in the game, but I think I should stop here since this is getting pretty long loll But I’d definitely love to chat about some other headcanons – I got some feels about Sifu, Sean’s father, and Jinfeng, for example 👀 And how MC’s parents meet, and all that XD

Thank you so much for sending me your ask, anon! And if you read this far, thanks again!! 😁 I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts as much as I enjoyed writing them! 💗💗

#asks #anon asks #sifu #sifu game #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After.

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting.

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom.

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man.

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms...

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful.

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual.

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs

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fischltao · 3 years

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In sickness and in health || Levi x GN! Reader ||

Warnings: Spoilers for season 4 of Snk and a few manga spoilers. I do not own any the characters of Snk and gender neutral pronouns are used!

Plot: Levi takes care of you when you are sick.

Notes: Mainly writing this because i caught a cold and it feels like I'm on my deathbed but I hate it and sounded better in my head . Also I have no idea how to put the read more tag im so sorry

A few hours after the Marleyan ship had stopped on Paradis' port , Levi, Hange and Y/N found themselves in a tent having a discussion with the leaders of the ship, Yelena and Onyankopon. The tension was thick and the scout leaders among with commander Hange kept a distance with the two, still being hesitant over the "enemy's" motives. As much of a distance as Hange could keep as they were overly excited over Marley's technological achievements in comparison to those of Paradise. And as much of excitement scout leader Y/N Y/L/N felt, she couldn't exactly show it in her current condition.

Prior to the event they had been noticing themselves getting more and more tired and their migraines had been reaching an immense level of pain. And suddenly, as Hange and Yelena were having a conversation about future plans Y/N started coughing to the piece of white linen they kept in their pocket. Soon enough they excused themselves and stepped out of the tent.

Levi and Hange did not miss the red-ish hue on Y/N's cloth.

Outside the younger scouts surrounded Y/N asking them questions about how the table talk was going. It was no secret they had a weakness for Y/N, the scout leader being their teacher on their training days. It wasn't long enough until Mikasa noticed how they seemed off. And soon, as their coughing fit erupted again, they collapsed.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

Levi felt as if his world had been swiped after his feet. The Paradis' life was hard enough but he would never have expected to lose his S/O to an illness. Especially when everything was seemingly alright and they had been married for a couple of months already.

He gazed at their face as they struggled to keep up with the conversation. They kept groaning and coughing and he knew it must have been painful for them to be like that. All he wished for was their health. So that the two could go on watching Paradis evolve together. So he could kiss and make love (or not!) to them they way they deserved to. So they could keep rambling about stuff they loved and how designing the new scouts uniform with Hange was going.

"I must have a lot of paperwork for when I get healthy again, huh?" They spoke up , their voice quiet and croaky.

"Just make sure you get better and we'll see about that, I have already gave a lot of your work to a few others so you can have it easy. Wouldn't wanna make you wish you could stay in bed one more week" Hange joked while Y/N laughed before coughing again. Immediately Levi took their side comforting them and trying to sooth their pain. Hange had to leave the room with tears in their eyes, not bearing to watch their best of friends in this state. Understanding that the news from the doctors weren't good, they couldn't help but feel hopeless losing Y/N in front of their eye little by little.

"I'm sorry I can't make you feel better. Im trying the best I can but those useless fucking doctors aren't able to do anything" Levi admitted startling Y/N as they sadly looked over him, his back facing them as he gazed out of the window. "I'm sorry I scared you, I should have kept it lower"

"I don't mind. Being stuck in this room for so many weeks has taken it's toll on me. I love the time I get to spend with you, knowing it might be the last-"

"Don't say that. I don't want to lose you"

"I know, Levi. Never thought I'd go out like this though, this is way less dramatic than I thought. But I don't mind. I got married to you and every single moment I've spent with you is golden. So I'm dying happy. Thank you for granting me a happy life, even if it's not as long as we scheduled it to be. Thank you" Soon enough Levi was in tears and his body started moving on it's own, collapsing to Y/N's side immediately and grasping their now frail hand as their other caressed his hair. They slowly fell asleep, with a smile on their face. These would be the last words Levi would hear coming from his lover as the morning when they woke up they would have gotten rapidly worse, taking away their ability to speak.

And over the course of two weeks they only got worse. Levi was exhausted both mentally and physically. Meetings were so painful as he only wanted to be by his S/O's side. And when he was done with them he would quickly go to their shared chamber and watch over them, bathe them and feed them as much as possible. When he couldn't, Mikasa and Sasha would be over to help while the boys watched the chambers and occasionally stopped by to keep them company.

The doctors lost hope with Y/N. They had no idea what was going on with them, despite over 4 of Paradis' best working together to find out what's wrong. That is until Hange brought up the scout leader's condition to Yelena, whom suggested a Marleyan doctor checks them out. Their meeting was brief but the blonde woman felt as if they were important to Paradis' future and that a death like this would be unfair to one of the heroes of Shiganshina.

Levi agreed, wanting what's best for his spouse and thankfully, the doctor was quite fast with the diagnosis. "You should have told me earlier about this. She suffered this much for something that could have been solved with the right medicine. I knew Paradis' healthcare system was 100 years back but it feels unfair watching innocent people suffer over something that is so common in Marley." The doctor spoke and suddenly a weight lifted off of Levi's shoulders. This felt like the best day of his life. It felt like freedom. "At their current state recovery won't be short but I assure you they will live. You will have your S/O back, Captain"

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

"And there I thought I would have a dramatic moment"

"Yeah like you are never dramatic"

"Me? Never why would you think that-" Suddenly they felt Levi's arms wrap around their back. A smile lit up their face as they turned around to hug him back while the stars shone through the night "I missed this. All this time all I could think about was dying. Dying to escape this pain. And you know, the physical pain i felt did never compare to what I felt when I watched you help me, even if it killed you or you had gotten 20 minutes of sleep. I wasn't healthy but I cared so much about you up to the point I wish I died just so you wouldn't have to deal with me. But I'm so glad I'm back even if I was a burden"

"You were never a burden to me. All I wanted was for you to not be in pain and hear you talk. I lived hell but losing you would be so much worse." He whispered as he buried his nose in their hair, their scented soap tickling his nose. "I've loved you when you were clueless as to what the hell was all the commotion when I joined the scouts and-"

"Hey! Paying attention to Keith lowered my life span"

"And I loved you when you fell sick. And I love you now and forever" He said, pulling back from the hug to look into his S/O's eyes that sparkled with love for their husband "I love you, idiot"

"I love you too"

#levi ackerman #levi #levi angst #levi x gender neutral reader #levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi imagines #attack on titan #aot #aot spoilers #shingeki no kyoujin #snk #snk spoilers #aot x reader #snk x reader #gender neutral reader

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spinbitchzu · 2 years

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this is a departure from my normal stuff but um just reflecting on aroace biz under the cut since that jaiden video has been trending

ok i identified a lot with the experience jaiden talked about in the video which is not entirely shocking to me. i’ve also been reading “Genderqueer” by maia kobabe for a class and e also talks about eir experience figuring out e was aroace so its not shocking that its on my brain.

ive been thinking about the ace/aspec label for a while and its been really interesting to see a bunch of aros and aces talking in the tags in response to the jaiden video, mentioning how much they relate as well. its so nice to see people excited about finding their label and being proud about it. but idk from a personal level i guess i’m just wondering if ill ever be able to use this label with any kind of pride.

from a young age i a) was heavily invested in reading, writing, watching romances, b) believed i was annoying and unattractive (lots of various reasons for this, not true these days) and c) desperately in search of my lgbtq label. i picked bi in 6th grade and then pan in eighth grade. then in high school i started just using queer. unlike when i was a baby gay, i started avoiding labels more and more. i never wanted to wear a flag or use a word other than queer. ive grown up in one of the most liberal open parts of the country in a community that never felt unsafe to be queer in, but nonetheless, i became so private and protective of this side of myself and i still dont really get why. why would i regress after so many years of being open with friends about being lgbtq?

anyway i think im rambling but i guess what im trying to see that i havent seen anyone else mention is that with being aroace specifically i wonder if ill ever be able to come out to anyone because the idea of people not seeing me as desirable or a romantic prospect makes me physically sick/scared and i dont know why. even if i dont even want to reciprocate, i feel the pressure to be wanted so bad and the fact that i dont really want sex or a relationship makes me literally feel so broken and wrong. plus the whole culture around being perceived as a prude/virgin for not having done a lot of relationship-centric stuff. idk its all so hard and it really makes me feel alone.

media and school and learning and creating all fulfill me so much but its the thought of being perceived as lonely/not desirable that really stresses me out and makes me want to continue allo/amato-passing.

#asexuality #aromanticism #aroace #queer #lgbtq #please dont reblog ninjago people this is more of a personal thing #aroaces welcome to rb or reply if u want #tw internalized homophobia #I think #this is stressful to post since its not funny fandom haha but I dont have another blog to talk from #please ignore if ur a fandom follower

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troubatrain · 3 years

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taxi - j. markstrom

a/n: i swore on my life i started writing this and then hours went by and it was done. by the way, aside from this song i still have yet to chose any players for the rest of this series and the google form is open for suggestions (it’s linked below) but anyways, i need to start by saying this got super personal for me and this showcases some of my own experiences with my own mental illness, and not everyone experiences those things the same way and i just want to remind everyone of that before they read! also, i definitely suggest listening to the song while reading it because it just feels right.

i need to tag @danglesnipecelly because k wrote a matty fic and in turn i’m legally required to write a marky fic

part of my lovely little lonely series

tw: mentions of depression, mentions of post-partum depression

“...and in the backseat, when you asked me, is the sadness everlasting? i pulled you closer, looked at you and said love, I think it is...” - Taxi - The Maine

Jacob wasn’t sure when things had gotten so bad.

You were doing better, and Jacob even thought you were doing better than before. You’d been going to therapy again regularly, less of Jacob forcing you to go for his sake and more of going by your own will. You were back on your meds, but even you admitted they felt like they might have been working this time around now that you found the right fit. The adjustment to your new surroundings in Calgary seemed to be going smoothly, spending time with Annica and Elias like you weren’t constantly battling with your own demons.

But god you were.

Jacob honestly thought you were braver than anyone he’s ever known. You met a few years back, when you used to throw on a smile just to walk out the door and Jacob was just starting to make a splash in Vancouver. He was the only person who seemed to notice you in the large crowd you were who was mingling with a few of his teammates. He knew you were something special in that moment, and he’d tell you everyday until you started to believe it. What he didn’t know at the time was, you’d just gotten diagnosed with depression and you were tackling it on your own. Not a soul knew about the days you couldn’t wait to sleep because it was the only time you were able to turn your brain off. They didn’t know about the mess in your apartment that was so embarrassing but you still just couldn’t clean it. And they definitely didn’t know about the long drives where you just thought about never coming back.

Jacob didn’t know these things for a while, but when the signs became clear, he tried his hardest to understand. He came over and cleaned your apartment when you were at work, shrugging it off when you asked him what prompted him to do it. Jacob made sure you were taken care of on days he knew you weren’t able to do it yourself.

Then the east coast road trip happened.

Your relationship was new, and you hadn’t told him what was going on even though it was becoming incredibly clear that he knew. Jacob has always been patient, and you always joke it’s because he’s a goalie, but the truth was that his heart was bigger than him. You called him, teary eyed while you sat on a park bench in the middle of Vancouver and told him you couldn’t do this anymore. At first he thought you were talking about him, maybe he’d overstepped a line he shouldn’t have, but it was clear you meant life. It was just too much, and Jacob knew it was time to push talking about it.

So you did, you laid there in the bitter cold on that bench until the sun came up and talked to him about your mental illness. You talked about your therapist who you’d been seeing but you were honest about the appointments you skipped. You talked to him about the full pill bottles in your bathroom because you didn’t want to take them but you didn’t want anyone to notice you weren’t picking up prescriptions. He was calm, listening to your words and not reprimanding you on the stall in your recovery.

Everyone moves at their own pace Y/N, you can move like a turtle if you want to and I won’t tell you to hurry up and get better.

Jacob never pushed, but that didn’t mean he didn’t educate himself. He read and read and read, everything he could on how he was supposed to help

you. He took classes, he listened to talks and he’d even attended meetings with other people who were in his same position. He wanted to understand, and he did his best to. Jacob did this because he loves you, and he wanted to make sure that was never going to be something you could question.

So that brings him here, standing in your shared bathroom while he counted how many pills were left in that orange bottle and he just knew the math wasn’t going to add up. Jacob runs a large hand over his face, rubbing his temples while he spun out about how this could be his fault. Maybe he should have stayed in Vancouver. Was the change too much for you?

“Babe?” You call out, leaning against the bathroom door and looking at him sadly. Your voice was soft, it always was, like Jacob being in distress was more important than the hell he’d seen you go through.

“Have you been skipping days?” Jacob asks, never with an accusatory tone. He learned that lesson, watching you shrink at his words when he asked if you’d been in bed all day. You start to utter an apology, Jacob raising his hand at you to stop because you didn’t owe him one, “Why didn’t you call?”

Tears were welling up in your eyes, your lip quivering while you tried to find the right words. Jacob didn’t look mad, he wasn’t - he was feeling guilty. He promised you, if you called it didn’t matter if he was in the middle of a game, he’d be there as soon as he could, “You need to be with your new team-”

“Fuck my new team,” Jacob scoffs, shaking his head and opening his arms to you, “You think I’d want to spend any more time with Elias than you?”

“No, I just,” You sigh, pushing a piece of your hair back that seemed to just fall back into place, “I didn’t want to be a bother, you need to be with these guys all the time and how can you do that if you’re worried about me?”

“I can do that because I want to do it,” Jacob reminds you, pushing that same piece of hair back where it belonged, and it stuck, “I don’t feel like I have to worry about you, I want to.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier not to?” You ask, wrapping your arms around Jacob’s waist and pressing your head into his chest. His heartbeat was steady, he was steady.

Jacob was the most stable thing you had in your life. You couldn’t figure what you’d done to experience unconditional love like that, a person to care for you so much that they would do anything to make you happy. He calmed you on the days you needed most and he never pushed you harder than he thought you needed. Turtle speed. He always called it that, but he’d rather see you move slowly to get better than throw on another fake smile.

“My life wouldn’t be easier if you weren’t in it,” Jacob hums, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, “Do you want me to set out your meds for the week? In that little container I got you?”

You nod, making a promise to yourself to take the step in getting better. Jacob reminded you constantly, you can’t do this for him, you needed to do it for yourself - he was just helping. He was always going to help.

***

You seemed better.

Jacob swore you were actually doing okay, the little check ins he was doing was working and when he got back from his next road trip - nothing seemed wrong. You were standing across Johnny’s house, laughing along with Annica and a few other girls and Jacob knew that laugh was a real one. This was good, seeing you out laughing and smiling.

“So, when is it going to be time for you?” Annica asks, her hand running over your ring finger, “Marky has to be thinking about having a few running around soon.”

You wish it hadn’t set you off. It was a simple question anyone would ask a couple who’s been together this long.

Children was a conversation you weren’t ready for. The thought terrified you, not because you didn’t want to have them, it was the post-partum talk. You knew the risks, all of the things that could happen after and you didn’t want to stomach that. What if you weren’t enough for your kids? They didn’t ask for a mother who couldn’t get out of bed sometimes let alone take care of them, and you’d be insane to think that was a healthy way to raise a child.

Jacob’s eyes remained on you while you rushed out of the house, fiddling with your hands and shaking your head. That was your tell, and Jacob excused himself immediately, chasing you out of the house. His hands grab your cheeks, steadying you for a moment and wiping the tears from your eyes.

“She asked me when we were going to the marriage and kids thing and,” You ramble out, closing your eyes and shutting your mouth. Jacob knew where you were going with this, it was fear he had too. It was the reason there was a ring in one of his coat pockets at home that’s never been opened because he was waiting for the right time. He’d wait forever if he had to. You were the one there was never a doubt about it.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” Jacob sighs, knowing this conversation was far too heavy to be had in public, “But, you’ll never be alone, I’m never going to leave, I’m never going to pressure you into anything. When you’re ready I will be too, but I don’t care how long it takes.”

“What if it’s too late for kids?” You whisper, the fear that Jacob could tell you he’d wait forever but you’d seen him with kids, he was made to be a father.

“We can adopt, foster, whatever you want,” Jacob assures you, the idea of having children never had to be biological to him, “Chucky asked me if we were looking to adopt the other day…”

You let out a laugh, looking and pressing your lips to Jacob’s. You couldn’t thank him enough, not like he’d ever let you, but he was so good. You leaned your head on his shoulder, watching Calgary pass you by while Jacob hums to the radio next to you in the cab to get home.

“You think I’ll always be like this?” You ask, a question that could have been for either of you.

“There’s always going to be bad days, but you’re never going to be alone on them. I promise.”

“Turtle speed?”

“Turtle speed.”

#jacob markstrom #jacob markstrom imagine #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

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rogue-durin-16 · 3 years

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FIREWORKS AND STREAMERS

Request: I have been insecure about my curly hair lately and was wondering if you can you write something with one of the weasley twins where the reader is insecure about her curly hair and one of the twins makes her feel better.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Hufflepuff!Reader

Genre: fluff

Tags:

Requested by: @wildcat1434

Fred Weasley: @whiskeyn-rain @lumos-solemn

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: none

A/N: So like, incoming fluff bc this idea was cute and sometimes I do be needing fluff, that's about it, enjoy <3

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

The relationship between me and my hair had always been... Bumpy, you could say.

There were periods in which I would find it quite lovely; during those times I would let my curls free, showing them off with a proud demeanor, knowing my hair was unique. Those times began to turn less and less usual since the middle of third year, though they were still there.

However, after the summer prior to my sixth year, those moments had banished; I only wished to hide my hair, and my friends ended up noticing. They told me surely there would be a spell or potion able to change my hair.

As if they had summoned it, the next day in Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall introduced us to what seemed like my salvation; Crinus Muto, an advanced spell that modified the caster's hair with no restrictions.

My best friend advised me against using it, claiming it wouldn't help my insecurity— if only, it would worsen it.

I really wanted to do as she had told me and completely dismiss the spell's existence, but two nights after I had a big mental breakdown about it, caused by the most stupid thing ever.

"Is Weasley staring at you or am I blind?" One of my friends whispered, her eyes trained on the Gryffindor table.

I didn't even bother to look up, not wanting to know whether it was true or not, before responding with a quiet "You're blind."

"I mean, it's hard to tell with two rows of students between us but," She nudged me, urging me to avert my gaze from my dinner and redirect it to Fred. "it kinda looks like he's... staring."

Curiosity killed the cat, I guess. My eyes finally left my plate and were, in fact, met with Fred's brown ones. As soon as they met, though, he looked away, pretending to be focused on his food, just like I had been doing seconds ago.

"Of course he's staring." Hannah Abbot, who sat right in front of my friend, commented with her mouth full. "Have you seen your hair?" She swallowed her food, looking me up and down before adding, "No offense, but it's an absolute mess." My eyes opened widely in shock at her bluntness. "You should take care of it, really."

"Has someone ever told you you're an ill-mannered bitch, Hannah?" I heard my friend talking back at the younger girl while I got up and started to make my way out of the Great Hall.

Of course, I didn't see Fred shooting up and attempting to go after me; ultimately he decided to stay in his place, since he saw my friend walking out too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was very aware of all the pair of eyes that had been laid on me the very moment I entered the greenhouse where we would be doing the Herbology tasks.

When I had met my friends at the Hufflepuff common room that morning, I had received divided opinions about my straight hair. At first I had been very convinced that it looked way better than my curly hair, but seeing my friends' reaction, I wasn't that confident about it anymore.

I didn't have time to undo the spell before class, so I decided to go along with it and see how the day unfolded.

I took a deep breath, my eyes trained on the ground as I made my way to an empty seat; maybe there weren't that many people staring, maybe it was just my anxiety.

I finally gathered the courage and looked up, nervously scanning the glasshouse so I could shake off my fears.

There was only a couple of my peers staring, which would have put me at ease, if one of them wasn't Fred Weasley.

On top of it, of course, he wasn't even trying to be subtle, it was almost as if he wanted me to notice his judging eyes; I could feel his gaze on me for the entire class.

The instant Professor Sprout dismissed us, I shoved everything in my bag and left the greenhouse, thanking a couple of Gryffindors who complimented my hair on my way out.

Again, I didn't notice Fred leaving the class as soon as he could to run after me.

I threw my bag against a tree near the lake shore and, as I fell against it, I heard someone jogging in my direction.

"In a hurry to sit by the lake, Y/l/n?" I followed the tall ginger with my eyes while he circled me and sat down by me. "You alright?"

"I just needed a break from... People." I vaguely explained, focusing on the water instead of on the boy besides me.

"Understandable." He hesitated for a second before adding, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, it's fine." I surprised myself at how calmed and collected I sounded, as if I wasn't chatting with my crush.

"What happened to your hair?" His genuinely curious inquiry took me aback, and I struggled to find something to answer.

"Why?" My heartbeat picked up, anxiety inundating me once more. "You don't like it?"

"It looks weird." Fred looked at me up and down with a grimace. "You don't... Look like yourself." I was about to enter fight or flight mode, but he seemed to notice, and panic made its way to his face. "But it doesn't matter what I think," he was quick to add, his eyes wide open as if he knew he had said something he should have not. "I mean— I think it shouldn't matter, if you like it, that's great— I mean, you don't need my opinion about that either!"

"Calm down, I understand." I tried to reassure him, before his rambling drove the both of us crazy. "Can I tell you a secret?" He nodded with pursed lips, surely afraid he would fuck up if he spoke again. "I've been very insecure about my hair lately— like, very." I sighed. "My best friend told me not to straighten it, but last night I got a not so nice comment and—"

"So that's why you left?" I nodded, tugging my sleeves. Fred went silent for a moment, and then cleared his throat and scooted closer to me. "I know this won't do much, but I really love your hair. Kinda reminds me of fireworks and streamers." He gestured around his own head, mimicking the fireworks' movement. "Dunno I think is fun and pretty awesome." I raised my brows at him in surprise. "Like you."

"Aw, that's very sweet." He offered me a sheepish smile as I felt my cheeks blushing. "It does a lot, actually." I confessed, fidgeting with my rings. "I guess I kinda needed to hear something positive about my hair."

"Well, whenever you need to hear something positive about your hair," he pointed at himself. "I'm your man." He winked at me and I let out a chuckle. "I can also tell you positive things about you in general, but that has a price."

"And what is it?"

"You'll have to let me buy you a drink at The Three Broomsticks this Saturday." I tried not to let panic slip through my recently eased demeanor; was he asking me on a date? "And give me a kiss after." He wiggled his brows at me and my face turned red. "the kiss is negotiable."

I casted my gaze down, fixing it on my shoes, not sure of what I was supposed to say at that. His foot tapping mine snapped me out of my thoughts.

"So?" My eyes traveled to him once more, only to find his studying me already. "What do you say, Y/l/n?"

"Well," I shrugged, trying in vain to play nonchalant. "Seems like an affordable price, so it's fine by me."

"I'll pick you up after lunch, yeah?" Before I could agree, he gasped, his eyes going wide. "I'm a genius."

"Come again?" I frowned, confused as his sudden frantic behavior.

"Don't mind me, love." He jumped up and jogged towards the castle, leaving me puzzled in there. I was about to grab a book from my bag when Fred rushed back, crouched down and pecked my cheek. "Your hair's amazing." He assured me. "See you!" My fingertips graced my now flushed cheek as he headed off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was finishing my lunch when two towering redheads entered the Hall running; while George, slowed down, Fred made a beeline to the Hufflepuff table, his casual clothes already on.

"Ready?" He asked breathless.

"Yeah— you didn't have lunch, did you?" I pointed out, getting up to stand in front of him.

"No, but I'll eat something later—" his eyes roamed over my carefully picked outfit before stating, "You look... very pretty."

"Why, thank you." I offered him a smile and looked over my shoulder at the Gryffindor table, where his friends were very attentive to all we did. "You sure you don't wanna eat something?"

"Hundred percent." He tilted his head towards the gates. "shall we?" He prompted to walk before him, and it was then that I realized he had his hands behind his back. Once we were out in the yard, he tugged my hand and made me turn to him. "I made something for you."

"You didn't have to." Was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard his words. Then the wording dawned on me; he didn't get me something, he made me something. "What is it?"

"So, you know that I told you your hair reminded me of fireworks and streamers?" I nodded, not quite knowing where he was going with that. "Well—" he then showed me what his back was hiding; a delicate, tiny firecracker with my name written on the side. "George helped me so I could finish it on time."

"I'm—" at my loss of words, I could only let out a happy laugh. "This is so cute— am I supposed to ignite it?"

"Duh!" I gently pushed his shoulder in response to his teasing. "Do you know how to do it?"

"I've seen you do it plenty of times." I admitted, grabbing the firecracker with one hand and my wand with the other; it looked so pretty, it was a pity I'd have to ruin it.

With a brief firemaking spell, the firecracker set off. Fred pulled me back slightly before it happened, though.

I was in awe at the beautiful fireworks before us, which looked like a color-changing, expanding version of my hair.

When the colors died out, I turned to Fred, whose attention was already on me, awaiting for a reaction. Surely, he was not expecting the kiss he got, but he didn't complain either; while my hands rested on his chest, his traveled to cup my cheeks before I could pull away.

"So you liked it?" He questioned quietly against my lips.

"I loved it." I whispered back with a wide smile. "You're a sweetheart." I pecked his lips before retreating. Holding his hand in mines, I made my way back into the castle. "We're not leaving until you have lunch."

"You are a sweetheart." He responded, following my lead without offering resistance. "By the way, your hair looks gorgeous." The corners of my lips twisted into a bigger smile at the sweet words he spoke only for me to hear as we went back into the Great Hall.

Maybe my hair wasn't that bad after all.

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