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deerlottie · 5 days

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Those Billie Eilish pictures where she's dressed like a fucking redneck and covered in dirt or sludge or whatever just will NOT leave my mind and I cannot stop myself from imagining Natalie like that. Mechanic Natalie...

Mechanic Natalie who skips last period so she can start work early because she likes to catcall you when your dad stops at the gas station to fill up the car. Your parents ask you to bring their old SUV over to the mechanic and you complain cause that creep Natalie is working there and she's always giving you a hard time but you go anyway and she's being a fucking dork and she's adorable actually and the catcalling doesn't get on your nerves as much anymore.

Car needs to stay there a couple nights while they order in this part. Nat offers to drive you home and you take her up on that. She put her hand on your thigh and wriggled her brows and told you she could make some arrangements about the car and fix it for you for free if you scratch her back. You call her a dumbass and laugh it off.

It ends up being a few more days than you thought and Natalie picks you up from school and takes your lil sister to ballet practice or whatever. All Nat wants in exchange is to see YOU in a tutu. You offer dinner instead and Nat takes it. End up going steady cause she's genuinely such a good fucking person.

Fucks you in the back of your dad's SUV. Ever since this happened you've been coming home with oily, dirty clothes and your mom tells you that you might as well get a job at the gas station since you spend so much time there. Little does she know you're not under cars, you're under Nat, and she's the one getting serviced.

Taking your overalls and plaid all the way off to keep them from getting dirty. You put them in the front seat of your dad's SUV with the tinted windows. Natalie's washed her hands a dozen times but the oil seems to be seeping out of every pore at this point. Your tits are covered in black streaks and so are your sides and your thighs as she pounds you into oblivion. The SUV rocking in place as you fuck like rabbits in the back of it.

And you know it's big because of her dick print on her sweatpants but you have no idea it's as thick as a Goodyear tyre. She waits til shop closes down and she rolls out one of those creepers and uses it to fuck you.

-🦪

she corners you against the car while your parents are inside paying and intentionally leaves her grease marks on your thighs :3 you think she's such an asshole at first but whenever she's busy with another customer, aka too busy to catcall you, you feel sad and miss her 😣

after you get the car fixed, you start driving it more and always find yourself at the shop to see nat. even when you know she's working and cant chat, you're just there 'browsing'. ur like a little stalker and she definitely brings it up when you take legit 30 mins to pick out some snacks while watching her fix a car. and maybe you have a friend 'accidentally' break a window or scratch it up a bit so you can go back and see her muscles glisten with sweat as she bends down and fixes it for you. u cant take her eyes off her bulge when she's under the car either :( u swear you can see it twitch sometimes when you speak too.

goddd her getting you all greasy and dirty which just riles her up for some reason...cumming all over your tits and smearing it around with the oil stains @__@ she'd offer to take you back to her place and clean you up before you go back home because she has "realllly good soap" that gets all the dirt off or some shit and so what if its just an excuse to fuck you again? and ohhhh mechanic nat who puts her hat on you while you ride her....and her flannel :(

#🦪#natalie scatorccio thoughts 💭

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enderr-rabies · 1 year

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HOLIDAY NIGHT’S.

Bob Velseb x Gn! reader

ohgoohohoho yes, hello tumblr i have decided i too, want to join the bob velseb x reader shenanigan's, this honestly was rushed, i have a headache and its a big owie but hey, whattya gonna do about it? also if you squint this could be lore idk

(also happy holidays:])

*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥

It was the holiday season, store's and restaurant's rushed and busied themselves with holiday gifts and family meet ups, the expecting early closing of everything thru the nights so workers can go home to relax and enjoy themselves, except for a few. A man by the name of Bob Velseb who owned a small diner in a local town was one of the few people who were open for the holidays. It being his business, he can open and close his shop whenever he pleases, this holiday he had planned to close it like always, he has no family nor friends he plans on seeing.

But on your regular lunch breaks, you go visit and start chit chat with the man that runs the dinner, you spat out the idea of keeping the diner open during the holidays, there wasn't much thought to it, just an empty idea. Bob curious though, asked what you meant, you told him he might get more business with keeping the place open, some family's like to eat out as a holiday tradition and some cant afford a holiday meal so it could help out. Bob took that idea into consideration as he watch you take a bite of your burger that you would order regularly whenever you stop by.

Soon enough he eventually asked if you'd help him prep his restaurant for the holidays, that involved him buying a few decorations and you bringing a few of your own, you even brought your Christmas tree in which Bob helped you decorate, conveniently funny you had a little burger ordainment that had cartoonish eyes and a Santa hat that was chipped.

while thru the few days you both decorated, bob asked if you were going to stop by during the holiday, but like a sour note to his ear's you had said no. not exactly no, but just the case that you were busy, which either way made a pain in his chest, You were his top costumer, a favorite at that. so when you told him sadly you wouldn't be joining him for his holiday opening he was upset, though he hid it threw his hazed eyes and a forced toothy smile.

so when he saw you knocking and waving through the glass door to his business out in the winter wonderland, snowflakes barely grazing over your form, he was thoroughly surprised.

he dropped his rag onto the counter he was once cleaning and rushed over to unlock the door and ushered you inside, instantly noticing the redness on your cheeks and nose.

"Darlin' what are you doing here? i thought you said you were gonna be busy today-" Bob interrupted himself as you pulled out something from behind your back, your own smile plastered on your features, questioning himself if it warmed you just as much it warms his heart.

"I said toDAY, not toNIGHT, plus i physically couldn't hold myself back to give you your gift anymore." You handed Bob his gift, messily wrapped with snowmen littering across the paper, a red bow neatly tied in the middle, a card sticking out underneath it.

Bob took the gift hesitantly, like it was the most fragile thing in the world, his eyes were wide and his smile faltered for a second, fortunately you were occupied at looking at the clock.

"Not to mention its like 9:47." you stated, putting your hands in your pockets, poor thing you must be freezing, nothing but a heavy hoodie was keeping your body warm.

Bob snapped out of his trance at the motion, gift still held gently in his hands as his eyes met yours, his smile was now small but soft.

"Heh, didn't even realize, i've been working all day the time must've slipped my mind. time fly's when your havin' fun huh?" The large man asked, furrowing a playful brow at you as he watched you roll your eye's but couldn't stop the small giggle that slipped between your lips.

"Shut up old man." Bob just chuckled as he walked behind the front counter, placing your gift down next to his rag as you followed pursuit, sitting down on a stool, putting your elbows on the surface cupping your hands to your face as you tried to gain feeling back to your fingers.

"Would ya' like some coffee? just made a fresh pot not to long ago." Bob asked, already getting you a cup as you nodded, grabbing himself a cup as well as.

your leg bounced up and down excitedly as the larger man finished and stirred up both of your beverage's, you hoped he liked his gift, you put a lot of work into it but you still couldn't help but feel like it wasn't the best.

anxiety nipped away at your nerves as Bob placed your cup in front of you, you watched as it steamed, the heat of it barely hitting your face but it still proved some warmth.

Bob looked at your gift, his smile almost faltering again but stopped as he watches you pushed the present towards him, happily chanting for him to open it, but Bob didn't want to touch it. He didn't want to ruin it, even though it was still packaged he thought it was beautiful on its own, the idea that you had gone out of your way to even think about getting him something was filling enough to his heart, but the lively present in font of him felt like the most delicate thing on earth, the feeling that once its open it would lose its rarity.

"Y'know darlin' you didnt have to get me anything-"

"Of course I had too, you mean a lot to me and I needed to find a way to show you. Now shh and open your present."

you stuck your tongue out at the man in front of you as he laughed once more at your playful actions, ignoring the warm feeling that washed over him as you said that, he placed his hands on the silky bow, hesitant to open for a moment before taking the bow off only for the whole wrapping to come undone revealing a white box.

Bob snorted as he watched you bring your hands up over your face, a muffled scream met his ears before he covered his own mouth with the back of his hand to try to contain the laughter that was bubbling inside of him.

"It's the thought that counts sugar." he laughed at your deflated state before opening the box only to met with the vision of red.

"I hope you like it, it was my first time trying to crochet, so im sorry for some of the loose parts but over all I think it came out pretty good!" you squeaked out, hoping that the your friend agrees with you.

It took Bob a moment to register what he was looking at but in the moment you started talking it clicked, it was a red sweater. you had made him a red sweater. Pulling it out of the box to get a better look at it, his fingers were met with soft fabric that were knitted neatly together, the feeling lingered and danced on his fingertips as all he can do was just stares at the clothing.

At your view it look like he was staring blankly at it, did he not like it? did you mess something up? you can fix it if you have too! But sweet thing, the man that stood in front of you loved it, well, love wasn't even the right word to describe the feeling that weighed on his chest. It was overwhelming and it burned but it felt good, it felt golden a holy feeling is what he would say, if he were a holy man.

You sat quietly as you watch Bob put the sweater on, gently one arm through the hole and the same with the other, the skin on your lip falling to your lap as you picked nervously.

The sweater fit perfectly, in fact it was even a bit loose on the larger mans form, that made you feel a bit good about it, but maybe that's not what he likes. But you had to admit it did fit his aesthetics, his dark hair and messy stubble did fit well with the maroon color of the sweater.

You laughed nervously to yourself as voiced cracked underneath the weight of your nervousness.

"Heh.......D-do you like it?"

Bob looked at his signature smile and heavy lidded eyes were still on his face, but if you squint you swear you could see hearts pulsing in his eyes as he stared down at you.

"I love it, its very comfy, don't think im ever gonna be able to take it off." He said calmly ignoring the ravishing feeling that was chewing threw his nerves as he took at a sip of his now lukewarm coffee.

you sighed in relief internally to yourself, as you went to now take a sip of your own coffee the dryness that coated your throat was now clear when Bobs voice interrupted you.

"But-" he placed his mug down and gave you a small smirk.

"You do realize im going to have to get you somethin' now right?" you let out a annoyed groan as you threw your head back, like that of an annoyed child.

"I told you, you don't have to get me anything." you said glaring at him, but all he did in return was lean his upper body against the counter top, his smirk never leaving his face as he used his elbows to prop himself up.

"I think I said the exact something to you and what did you do?" once again he furrowed his brow at you as if he was interrogating you.

You on the other hand just grumbled under your breath and furrowed your own brows as you took a sip of your now cold coffee, hearing Bob chuckle to himself next to you.

*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥

(❅◕⌣◕) teehee

#bob velseb x reader #bob velseb #spooky month #spooky month bob velseb #enderr fic #sr pelo #spooky month x reader #shake bob like a ragdoll #also shake you like a ragdoll #tbh i kinda dissociate when writing fics #i let my mind take over but its like ratatouille #ALOS SORRY IF THIS IS BAD #also #idk how to tag

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tuxedokit-thoughts · 6 months

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i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

#tw suicide #tw self harm #actually bpd #bpd vent #for reference said brother is also one of my fps #and he wasnt even mad ab that hes just had his own no good very bad day #anyway #tuxedokit art #fuck else should i tag this with #oh yea #tw drugs #drug addiction #drug abuse

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olivieraa · 3 days

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its gotten to the point where this word is basically slang since everyone uses it, but it reminds me of ocd as well since everyone uses ocd to describe being quirky or neat or somewhat clean, but "hyperfocused" is a word that's so attached to my being, that it irks me beyond belief when I see people describe their hyperfixation or whatever on something fucking stupid in which they really could just use the word "focused"

hyperfixation is absolutely integral to my ocd. its one of the main things I cant control.

the best way I can put it is someone being lazy and so they decide to procrastinate, do literally anything other than what they're supposed to be doing. and they just cant bring themselves to do the thing. they continuously nope out of it even when they sit their asses down to do the thing and then they're like "ah I need to go to the store for toothpaste!"

I have a fear of hyperfocusing on something bc then that's it. I'm glued to that till I'm finished/its over/its done, whatever it may be. could take days, or weeks, or months.

it has screwed me up in school, in jobs, in college, even just being online.

I used to love watching AMV's when I first entered the internet. just casually watching them. until my brain realised I shouldn't just casually watch them. they should be organised and categorised. and then 3 categories became 8, and then 14, and then I had 20 playlists of AMV's based on things I cant even remember until I one day had to stop watching AMV's altogether bc I turned it into a chore. and I knew then at that point they couldn't be enjoy anymore. I couldnt just put one on for fun. I knew I'd categorise it, and want to go onto the next one, and do it to that too. so I stopped altogether and never went back. this simple fun quick thing I cut off completely.

on tumblr, I casually reblogged everything and anything on this site when If irst came on here until I realised what tumblr actually was and had to start tagging things so that they were organised on my blog. but oh no. I didn't just tag the character, the anime, and the whatever else. it got to the point where a reblogged picture of just Joey had about 18 tags. to make matters worse, I wanted my tags alphabetical, and it was during the time you couldn't rearrange the order of tags. so if I realised I was missing a tag that started with the letter c, I had to delete all the previous tags to put that c word in and then retag again. post after post after post. I got to page 100 on my blog before I panicked that I may have missed something and started again. ...and then I started again. and again. so I stopped tagging. bc I stopped going to school bc I was tagging my blog. that's all I did for days. I didn't do anything else. I was completely focused on the organisation of my blog. and so I had to stop myself from ever tagging again. my '#niece watches' tag doesnt count bc they're there mainly for blocking purposes lmao

another online example, it happened at christmas when I decided to watch attack on titan. I'd made the decision to start again from the beginning (despite having seen season one 4 times) bc my plan was to put on something I could casually watch and pause and do work and then take breaks and go back to watching and it'd be so easy.

nope. I binged 100 eps in 5 days. I went to bed at 5-6am. I couldn't stop. and I'm not even kidding, the best way I can describe it is, lets say you've the most important test of your life in 1 week. and you need to study. and you ASSUME that during your lil break times you can casually watch attack on titan, SPECIFICALLY for chosen break times, maybe once and hour, but studying is priority bc the exam is in ONE WEEK and you haven't started studying. so maybe you'll get through like, idk, maybe 7 eps a day?

episode fucking ONE hooked me in. an ep I've seen so many times. HOOKED me in. like I hadn't seen it before. I was absolutely glued to it. ep 1 ends and I'm like "oh wait I should study............ but like, its fine. I'll do one more ep and then do EXTRA study."

another ep, another ep, another ep. I got to ep 6 and was about to click 7 and was like

to my goddamn brain.

I momentarily won. I managed to do about 20 mins of study, then watched ep 7-14 in a row. still on day one. I opened a book for a total of 20 mins. so I promise myself, bc this test is so important and high priority, that I'll properly start tomorrow.

it never happened. I did nothing other than watch that show and do basic necessities. for 5 days. I had no control over this decision. its like there's another me who always wins. always wins. and she's evil. I had to finish the show before I could move on. it had to be complete.

I dont know how to get out of these moments. I remember when I went to my second ever job I told them about how it screwed me over a little in my first retail job (stocking shelves, oh but didn't those shelves need to be perfect. even if I was supposed to have been on aisle 4 or 5 by the time the managers came back to check in on me, no no I was still on aisle one perfecting aisle one. and nobody was going to ruin it for me, boss or not.)

and they told me it seemed like a good thing in the second job! but I was like "no I cant let it happen here, I cant. it gets bad."

and it happened. they put me in charge of a task and I found it hard to do anything other than perfect that task to the point that I was focusing on doing that same thing every day to keep it perfect, even when I was told to do something else.

so... yeah. they overuse of hyperfixation and hyperfocusing when people just mean "I was focused on this thing" drives me insane

crazy person rant over

#that's why I learned my lesson and watched banana fish #jujutsu kaisen and durarara during time off lmao #I didn't think attack on titan would do it bc I didnt care for the show that much originally #but I damn well knew I couldn't risk it with drrr #and banana fish and jjk were new to me so didn't wanna risk them either

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wakingupclean · 1 month

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just kind of like a reminder of what i was thinking about while vacuuming earlier that i'd like to bring up to my mom at some point

the other day she was saying how she hopes my youngest sister will one day get her shit together mostly in regards to being able to keep her house clean (sister has two toddlers and works full time and is a single parent). i brought that up to my mom and she was like "oh well i managed to do that" but no she had the help of my dad when we were little. and i didn't bring up that my sister is neurodivergent and has always struggled with keeping spaces neat and organized due to her executive dysfunction (a cardinal sin in our house growing up)

and i think a lot of my mom's feelings about that do come from a lack of understanding. she and my dad truly always have just thought we kids were being purposefully, spitefully lazy when we weren't able to keep up to their standards be it with cleaning, school, or work later in life. bc they were able to have a clean house and work full time just fine

but like even putting aside neurodivergence (which-- my thinking on this today is the result of my own current introspection and self-discovery on that subject)--- i think one of the issues is that my parents look at these skills as just basic default human characteristics that if one isn't performing well, they are trying to be rebellious. when these are *skills*. not a default part of the human condition as much as capitalism wants to pretend otherwise

like it is recommended and somewhat expected for most able bodied people to get some amount of exercise and so many people do sports as children or adults. but nobody in either of these categories is expected to be an olympic athlete nor shamed for not being able to achieve that level of skill

we all have a variety of things we're skilled and not skilled with, regardless of neurodivergence or other qualities. this seems obvious especially when it comes to school- like most people will readily admit they are bad at math. but it is seen as such an almost moral failing to be bad at social interaction or worse, to not be good at meeting the demands of the ~expected~ lifestyle

idk this has always been something i've struggled with bc there are so many areas in life where ive never measured up, but as able to skate by through masking or due to my own stellar performance in other subjects. like yeah middle school ashley doesn't really have friends and misses a shit ton of school and even has SI! but she gets great grades, is gifted, and loved by teachers so those other struggles don't matter. until 20 years later when the burnout hits and the masks start to chip and everything is suddenly so, so hard. my mom keeps sending me links for jobs to apply to and i am just like 1) i am in the middle of spravato treatments which is a huge time commitment 2) mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually i dont think i could even work 10 hours a week right now!!

and that is terrifying and keeps taking me into a loop of like i feel a little better following a spravato day and then i remember that i cant support myself anymore and that my parents who were so so proud of me the past few years (finally! proud of me, the former alcoholic fuck up! doing the 9-5, having a 401k, a career, independence) are slowly starting to view me as a colossal lazy fuck up again and not caring about my current capabilities or how much pain i'm in or how many nights i pray for death... because to them, i should be pushing through it and sucking it up.

and i know that they're scared for when they're no longer around if i can't support myself then i will be even more fucked. but it's been like six months since i quit and no amounts of rest seem to be helping and id what to do.

this is so hard and i try not to think about it bc i will spiral- distraction, distraction, distraction. and today i keep remembering that i need to ask them for $200ish to pay my electricity and phone bills and i am avoiding that because i know i am just sinking further and further in their eyes. and i dont want to care so much but i do. it felt so good when they were proud of me. but that is the trick of it, that's how it felt when i was a kid too and was the golden child for a time. falling from a pedestal bruises harder each time i think

#personal #journal type post #went on a tangent

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spicypopcornfromhell · 4 months

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Oh look a vent post

Tw for suicide, suicide attempts self harm abusive household, cynicism, depressive behaviour and more, dysphoria being the new addition.

If you press read more and i ruined your day its on you, you have been fucking warned

Ik i shouldn't but i have nowhere else to throw these thoughts and unfortunately ill put it here

Final fucking warning if you struggle with depression or anything above DONT FUCKING INTERACT WITH THIS.

Dont. Its for your own saftey

I dont know how much longer i can keep up the façade between the memes and the horny posts, the only thing that gives me any reason to live is a future i might never have. A future ruined by greedy old men in suits.

Im trans now but everytime i turn off my phone i see the same old cis dude with stubble bc shaving is getting tedious. I keep doing this why? Why do i do this ehy cant i just FEEL like a women i know im trans but everytime i look in a fucking mirror i feel shit. I sometimes wish the pills worked, i took too little.

Fucking im 18 and yet i get treated like a child in real life. The bad way aswell. Peaple irl tell me i talk too much and i should just shut up. Idk even know if im autistic "enough"to get treatment. Ik for a fact i have adhd but online tests are telling me fuckoll. Tho multiple peaple irl tell me im def adhd, i have so so so much symptoms of autism. I blend in with some autistic peaple but i feel fake. I dont feel like me anymore im just some fucked up husk smiling at peaple bc i cant fucking reveal to peaple how i feel irl. The internet is my safe blanket. No one knows me here. I can be WHAT i want to be but when i close this phone and I look in the mirror im just dude. Short hair testosterone chubby cant pick up shit. Im too fucked to be a women or a man. I can be neather. Mabye if i die i dont have to feel like anything but im too scared to try. Ive been trying to get better and im clean since the 18 of dec 2023. I hate myself. I wish i was some cis women instead. But life wants to watch me longingly stare at models online, wishing i could be them.

Having a cis person assume bc i talk to women i wanna fuxk her is so so fuxked up im so tired of it. Having a dad who loves me yet fucks me around emotionally tell me "I MUST HAVE KIDS" like i dont work with kids i just cant it pisses me off indont lilke kids.

5 fuxkinng weaks im botteling this up 5 fucking weaks i cant look in a mirror. Those nudes, were the closest i get to be a women, not even hrt is gonna save me at this point.

Rubbing salt into my scars and jerking off is the few hits of dopamine that still works. And some friends but noone irl reallly cares abt me, im the disposable vape in human form. One hit of dopamine and contentment is suddenly a joke. 6 peaple make the mistake of sticking with me. Alot of peaple online too. They and a few peaple are the only tether i have rn.

The housing markets gone to hell and i dont have MARKETABLE skills i can voice act sure but ai will fuck me over there. I can be annoying. Ads do my job better. I cannot draw art and i get like just above fail for everything. I cant do sports i cant motivate myself bc some teacher thinks traumatised children can learn, well fuck you mister S yelling at a kid who had writing issues isnt the way to teaxh i child. I fuxkign ger nauseous everytime i see complcated math equations. Its better now but like 7 years later. So any "self proclamed business" work wont save me

My current ccountry has a 55% unemployment rate and im going to a conservative town in canada. Tho i hope things are better there i so so hope mabye a new country might kinda help

Goinng back to my inescapable family problems im essentially the fucking mule. I poar drinks and i wash the dishes and most of the family's clothes. I bring the cigarettes and i (often) mow the lawn. I have to do the "manly" tasks bc wowie i have a dick and corse voice. I bairly get thanked aswell. Only thanks i got was being the emotional punching bag. Yk why else have a sun. Bc who else do you take the anger out on. Fucking get told i do good work the one day then i get belittled the next. The fuck am i supposed to feel anymore.

I want to relive a different childhood, i want to be a kid again, but with a fresh start. But i cant. God knows how i deel with all this. But i have friends that would be sad to see me go. But im a burden and a cancer and the only way to get rid of cancer is to cut it off tho i wont do that rn. I cant. I just cant. Want to but i cant.

Ill add latwr or nah idk. But i dont know

Sorry if you read this

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forestryfae · 6 months

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getting really fucking sick and tired of the ONE SINGLE laundrybasket we have here that we can use for clean clothes i fucking missing. again. cus some fucker took it and either just didnt put it back cus theyre fucking lazy, or they still havent put their clothes away and its in their room, or theyre using it to stash their shit in it for some fucking reason. because the only laundrybasket we have is the perfect place to dump your bag thats been on the floor along with other shit that doesnt belong in a basket thats supposed to be clean and also not in the fucking livingroom

like i wish it wasnt a big deal but when things arent in the places theyre supposed to be in cus someone feels like "everyone can use this thing that has a commonly known specific useage for its purpose" means "this is public property therefore i can take it and use it for whatever i want whenever i want, if its presented as a problem i simply will not connect the dots and i will continue to use this for the wrong purpose at teh detriment to other people who want to use it for its actual purpose" and it keeps fucking. happening.

last time it was missing i needed it AT THAT MOMENT and i wound up having to tell the last person whod used it to put it back, which they did do. TWO days later. ive seen it in the livingroom and other places filled w all kinds of stuf that isnt clothes. peoples bags that have been ON THE FLOOR are NOT supposed to go in the ONE clean laundrybasket we have?????? what the fuck?????????????

and like it shouldnt be something that infuriates me to the point of wanting to scream someones head off or rippin the basket out of their hands or even something that makes me cry or start to spiral after ive calmed down a little but its so fucking infuriating. its so unneccessary and selfish, we have one basket and its being hogged by like one or two people and its not in the place its meant to be in and we have to request it because they just. arent putting it back and they see no problem with this and i cant even complain or im a bitch who gets mad over nothing and also why am i complaining? it doesnt even matter its a stupid thing to be annoyed by and this is a me problem only and i need to not be such a bitch

like. i should be able to say "i dont think its okay that youre hogging everyones basket and not even using it for what its meant to be used for, its not supposed to have stuff in it that isnt clean clothes since people need it FOR their clean clothes" and not feel like im about to shut down and mocked and made fun of and told im always angry over nothing or feeling like i cant bring it up without having to prepare myself for backlash and being treated like shit by everyone cus none likes me anymore because i said i dont want a dumb fucking basket to be in the wrong place and used for the wrong thing.

and like the people here are actually really nice and they dont hate me, so its not like theyre doing it to be mean to me either. they just straight up didnt think someone else would use it which i still think is dumb cus its. a laundry basket. used for laundry. it needs to be in the right place. so people can use it when they need it instead of having to get annoyed cus someone just didnt consider that other people actually need it and now its missing and they have to look for it again and last time they needed it it wasnt there either. like theyre not being dicks on purpose theyre not awfuyl people who hate me but its still really fucking scary cus what if they DO start hating me or thinking im an angry unreasonable bitch and never wanting to talk to me again because of this.

like im supposed to be in therapy for this shit and we dont even have a psychologist here and i cant even talk to anyone about shit like this either without feeling im gonna get mocked or told im a shit person. like. im supposed to talk to my primary here when shits bad but shes not working every single day all the time. who else do i talk to then. noones told me thats something i can do and it doesnt work with every person who works here and if im already feeling like shit when i need to talk to someone and they say "yeah no talk to your primary" like??? shes not working for the next three days and you want me to stew in my room feeling like shit and missing out on work over one thing???

like. i really need someone to actually care about me for once. i need someone to say im actually allowed to be upset or have needs that are different from the norm and that needs consideration and actually. have whatever is wrong with me be the primary focus for once. yes it sucks that i missed work but i had shit going on in my head and didnt feel like i was worth enough to be alive around other people or i got treated like an incompetent three year old and i was pissed for days afterwards and could not physically calm down or stop crying but it sucks mroe for the people i work with cus i didnt call and tell them i couldnt go to work? do they not know how shameful it is to call and say "hey i cant go to work today or i might bite someones head off or cry the whole day or both"? literally never ever is anyone going to understand that and im gonna be a bitch and an asshole and im also a really shitty awful egoistical selfish asshole with no concept of emotional maturity who thinks the world revolves around them and is too stupid to ignore any feelings i have or put them aside long enough to prioritize cus im too stupid to understand that my emotions just dont matter. feelings and emotions are never important and im a bad person for struggling with all of this. like do people think im just. being lazy. im literally not going to work because i dont want to bite someones head off and i dont know how to fix anything if i do wind up doing that. im literally doing the only thing that works.

idk i just really wish there was a guarantee that people wouldnt hate me for. having feelings or having certain needs. and that if they did it meant it was just a compability issue or a them issue instead of it making me the worst person in the world

#talkies

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iyabutterfly · 8 months

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To Whom It May Concern

I’m writing this letter because I’m not good with verbally expressing myself. And I cry too much. About everything. I am mentally struggling. I have been, for a very long time now. Since I was a kid. I am overwhelmed and frustrated with life, because I don’t see a way out. In debt with the state 3 times. Elwood City probabtion wants $975 from me. I can’t remember how much Indianapolis probation wants. And I can’t remember how much I owe Indianapolis Community Corrections. Either way, they’re debts I wasn’t ready for. I have to pay off tickets and reinstatement fees so I can have my license back and be a legal driver. Then I need to get a car. I’m sleeping on my Aunts couch, and I only have 3 months left. So I need a home. I have my phone bill, my monthly Netflix and monthly Spotify. I need to bring my credit back up, again. It’s trash. Again. My kids live with their Dad, and so I send money whenever he needs help with bills or something. I CANT KEEP UP right now. My unforseeable future says I won’t be able to keep up then, either. Rent and bills and debt payments and car note and sr22 insurance. Work to catch up and keep up. Take care of my kids. And keep my house together, as I like. Cook, clean, do laundry. Family time. Personal time. And stay sane. Doing this all alone.

My problem right now, is that there isn’t enough time in the week to escape this toxic circle. Everything I’m trying so hard to accomplish right now, seems to be pointless. Impossible to make it through. My thoughts torment me, day in and day out. A mental battle “you got this Crystal. Just see the bigger picture” “well the bigger picture is looking real small and crumbly right now” I can barely make it through a 10hour shift at work, without anxieties and depressions kicking in and pushing me out the door. I miss a lot of work. Late because I couldn’t get to sleep the night before. Like today. Leaving work early. Like today. My attendance is whack and my paychecks are even more whack. I’m never going to be able to maintain a home of my own. So really should just stop now. Stop wasting time and effort and energy. I really just can’t think straight. 14 years of my life gone to a relationship that I initiated combat in. Then two more gone to more bad decisions. Gone. Now I pay. Financially and even more mentally. I’m stuck in this predicament that I accidentally got myself in. I didn’t ask to be here. I wish I was born into a family of health wealth and love. Or I wish I knew better, before. So I couldve done better in a more timely fashion. I’m not feeling suicidal. However, I am feeling better off in jail or under a bridge. It just seems easier and less stressful. I barely see or talk to my kids now, so it really won’t change anything. I know there won’t be anymore room for anymore disappointment.

I’m tired of talking and explaining and crying. Asking for help in all the wrong places. The people who are supposed to be able to help me, can’t or won’t. I’m tired of my throat swelling up, making it hard to breathe. I’m tired of going in these circles. It’s a round roller coaster of pain. I’m tired of getting back up just to keep falling. I’m tired of not being prioritized. All the state cares about is getting their money and telling me what to do. I’m connected with a health care provider that doesn’t even have time for me. My medical record isn’t evenly properly updated. The state doesn’t care about my mental health. Or what it really takes to progress. I can’t breathe.

#miserable life #spilled thoughts #headspace #this is a cry for help #i need healing

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arishah97 · 9 months

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Blog

Hmmm. Not sure what to put here. Just using this as a place to get out my thoughts. Most of this is just a letter from current me to future me. I need a place to journal.

God she drives me crazy sometimes. I have no idea how to deal with her. maybe i like her but she doesnt like me back in the same way.

Shes dealing with a lot. I cant ask any more of her attention. Its not fair to her.

i just.. i want to be wanted you know. i wish that somebody out there in the universe wanted me. for me. not because theyre obligated to, or because theyre being paid to. its hard.

people say that you should focus on yourself. love yourself. i do. i dont hate myself anymore. i listened to the loop for the intro to stan again. i didnt want to kill myself this time. i didnt even cry. it hurt me emotionally, but im not there anymore.

ive reread posts and memes that used to punch me in the gut. now i remember them fondly. no pain anymore. its still a depressing post, sure, but it doesnt have that gutpunch tang of acrid familiarity. where you chest throbs and your eyes blur for a second. emotional pain is physical pain.

Back to the topic. I dont feel that way anymore. not because im numb or anything. i just... im doing a lot better. part of that is my support network, thought theyre all being paid to help me, they are all incredible.

I still want to be wanted. maybe its an ego thing. i just want someone to miss me when im not there. i think there are people who do. my parents certainly say they do. i dont know. my friends... i dont know if they miss me. when i talk to her though. i feel soothed. if i dont, i start to get cravings. withdrawal. it messes me up. i dont want to smother her. shes dealing with a lot. i dont know if she feels the same way i do.

ive never been in love. maybe thats what this is. could just be human hormones. ive never wanted to be a better person for someone else. i cleaned my car yesterday. im looking up workout routines. im restocking on my protein shakes.

Ive never been in a relationship. im touch starved - god how is this even going to work if we are long distance. i keep having this reckless thought of flying down just to see her. thankfully theyre just thoughts. ill start to panic when i start looking mournfully at google flights.

we've barely spoken. i met her a month ago. we roleplayed - felt like a one night stand. i messaged her the next morning - pathetic. i felt hollow the second time i roleplayed with her. i think i messed up some consent boundries. fuck me, im a moron. i should apologize. how in the fuck do i even bring that up casually.

i think ive sent her a message every single day since. i try to keep my space, but she fills up my head like a gas, taking up the space of the container its given. ive warned her multiple times to tell me if im being too clingy or distracting.

wait im panicking. is she even single? shes never said so explicitly. she might be poly/open. fuck... . ill cross that bridge when i get to it. im open to poly.

she makes me want to be a better person. they lied when they said you should focus on yourself. being a better person for someone else works. its crazy how much fuel im getting. i want to improve my career prospects. i want to get healthier. i want to move out. i want to keep my spaces cleaner. i want to start a facewash routine. i want to learn to cook. i want to learn the guitar. i want, i want, i want.

Ive always wanted to do a lot of these things. hearing her voice gives me the strength to do them.

is this a love letter. fuck no. id edit the shit out of this if i was giving it to someone. am i even in love. cant say. im open to falling in love. these are just my rambling thoughts. my head feels clearer now.

if anybody finds this, fuck off.

xoxo

Ari

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skinbonescoffee · 11 months

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i wish you knew how much i think about you and how much you hurt me. and i wish you knew how much i cry over how much you hurt me. i don’t want you back, and i never did in the first place. but i will say this. for a long time i did, and for a long time i figured we’d get back together and run away together away from everyone and all this bullshit. but oh let me tell you how happy i am, that exact scenario never happened. i hate going out in public because i don’t want to run into you anywhere. you scare me. i dont want to see you i don’t want to talk to you but for a while i did for a while i missed you so much and i wondered if your socks were clean or if you had good food to eat. i wondered if you were showering or brushing your teeth as often as you should. we weren’t even together when i gave you money for deodorant along with a whole ass toothbrush and toothpaste. i cared for you so much. you were the only thing i ever wanted for the rest of literally my entire life. i get confused everyday by my feelings and emotions about you because, no. i don’t hate you. in fact i love you very much. you were my first love. and that will never change. the good times were good but oh my god you made me miserable. you made me doubt if i wanted to be alive and i still think about every single hurtful thing you’ve said to me. i hate the way you left me a pile of dirt. i hate the way you left me to pick up the pieces on my own. because you didn’t want to help pick them up and that is 100% okay because it isn’t your responsibility. but i love you and i miss my best fucking friend. i miss having my companion to do everything with, to go on road trips with, to go to the dispensary with, to sing and dance at the top of my lungs with. like god damn idk why the fuck you had to leave me with the best and worst memories of my entire fucking life. you made me the happiest and the most miserable i’d ever been. i wish you’d have realized how badly i wanted you. how badly i wanted this to work out how badly i wanted you to want me back.

i wish you’d realize you never left my mind and you still don’t to this day. i wish you’d realize how much you were seriously my everything and i would give anything to have a talk with you one more time because i miss my BEST FRIEND. that much. i miss you being there for me and i miss you wanting me to get better and pushing me to be my best i miss honestly the best parts about you. but i cant deal with the awful memories i’m left with. i feel like i can’t live anymore. i feel like i can’t go on anymore. because you left me heart broken and i can’t hide it anymore. i cant hardly get out of bed and i don’t want to leave the house. i don’t want to run into you because there’s no point in that. it just brings back memories because you look at me like i’m the most beautiful soul you’ve ever seen which you’d be right. i love everything about myself. since you left me i found someone who treats me like i’m an actual human being with actual human emotions. i branched out and actually sold 3 of my paintings. i painted a pair of shoes and i love them. my favorite color is yellow. i’m so fucking passionate about my art, and i finally want to do better for myself. but the way that you left me broken makes it harder than you could ever imagine.

#broken heart shit

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ihateeverything101 · 1 year

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about the OH trip, he said i support you going. but said since i just started a job that should matter more. money is tight. said he would've rather me went when i wasn't working. yeah i wasn't working so that would've been nice but i was stressed that we didn't have money coming in. i have $6000+ debt on my credit card because of how we live. it's frustrating because i didn't select these routines. i don't know how he got to spending so much money a month. i have expenses but not really. and we can't cut back. i have no idea what expenses to cut back. there probably is some but i dont know!! most of my money that is on my credit card is from grocery trips. i like eating what we eat but god damn. i'm so sad and stuck. i want to break up. not really but i feel like i don't understand him and i never will. but i don't have the financial stability or anything to actually breakup. i feel like my depression has gotten worse since i've moved. not really and i know i will be depressed even if i break up with him it's just exhausting. i feel like i've had low levels of depression for a really long time. i don't bounce or squeal with excitement. but now i'm majority depressed. i feel like i cant put on a good face for work, every moment i'm exhausted. i don't want to laugh or smile or even try to have a good time. i don't want to eat. i want to cry all the time. and not one tear down my cheek, scary cry. my whole body shaking cry, my face looking like a contorted clown cry. i don't want to feel like this but i'm not sure how to get better. i've been ignoring money stress, not enough time stress, partner is an asshole stress. i've been pushing it down. saying it's ok it's ok. it sucks but it's ok. i cant anymore. i cant. even yesterday i accidentally broke a piece of their rig when i was cleaning it. i spent an hour and a half driving around to different smoke shops to get the piece for him. it was my off day yesterday, i spent my time doing that. he says he cares about me but i don't understand him. if he cares about me, wouldn't that time be better spent together. watching tv or talking or idk. if he broke my things i would be upset but i'd be like no i'd rather spend the time with you than you go try to replace it by yourself. when i say punishment it's a real thing. he wanted to punish me for breaking it. my punishment was driving around for it and paying for a new piece. i told him i don't think i deserve punishment and he said ok don't talk to him. so i didnt for awhile but then i knew things would just get worse if i didn't talk to him so i went to talk to him. he made me say i was being careless. idk this whole thing is just sad. basically i bring this up because he was like maybe this relationship isn't working. he brings up stuff like that when i have pushback. which is true. i don't think we belong together. but jesus. how do you get from me breaking your piece to wanting to break up. it's because i said no to the punishment. he said i always argue and say no to the punishments. it's because i don't understand. if he broke something of mine i would be upset but i never would want to hurt him for it. how does that make sense. i hurt him so he hurts me and that's all better. it's not. i'm already upset at myself for being an idiot so why does he have to pile on. it's like no matter how little i have to give - he still needs and takes his piece.

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doodlboy · 3 years

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#i hate this capitalist hellscape that causes me to burst into tears at the thought having to work a shitty job for the rest of my life #if i cant make the things i initially enjoyed as a hobby into a successful career just to be able to pay for existing in said hellscape #if art falls through i have nothing to fall back on- its not like i can get a decent paying job with my college reading level #that's the only thing i was actually good at the rest was either fucking around and it working out or just looking up answers #so that i wasn't a failure and i wouldnt get yelled at for anything less than As and Bs bc im 'such a smart kid' and i had to live up to it #im really tired #i want to just- stop drawing for a while but what else is there for me to do? cant just play videogames or do my makeup all day #or sit around scrolling through tumblr or pinterest. there's nothing to do except just sit there and rot like i do every day #even though im legally an adult now i still cant drive and my permit expired a while ago and im still expected to follow mom like a baby #or a maid. i cleaned 8 coke cans off her side table next to the couch today. just from today #doesn't even count the bottles either. and would you guess who it is who has to trot downstairs and get her all those cokes? me.#every day its 'go get me a coke. no bring 2 and stick the other in the fridge' every few hours and its ALWAYS me #im tired #i just want to go somewhere and just lay down for a while #leave the house by myself for once #this days just been shit anyway #had a nightmare about mom being transphobic. had to listen to stupid true crime and far right fox news or whatever bullshit that comes on #im just so tired #i just dont want to draw anymore because ive stressed myself over it so much its just not enjoyable anymore and it feels like im forcing it #ive hit like- a plateau bc im not learning anything new or doing actual studies or paintings or whatever else there is #just draw the same shit over and over im only good at mimicking- cant even make anything new #im gonna delete this later #but i just need like- an actual hug from an actual real person and to be listened to and cared for for a while #elliot vents #elliot rambles #personal vent

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whywoulditho · 2 years

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vent time. ignore

#so my dorm room is pretty small and even through i have a desk its not easy to study there bc i have roommates too etc #so i was trying to find some place to study peacefully #there weren't many options it was either cafeteria or a random empty room #the cafeteria is always loud so that was a no no. and some of the empty rooms in the buldings have large tables i can use to study #so i tried those #but the thing is unhygenic places trigger my anxiety #(which i suspect might be more like an ocd but i dont dare say anything before i see a therapist)#and those study rooms are public so everyone uses them. and they get in with their shoes on too (i take mine off when i'm in my room)#whenever i touched the walls or the floor i got so stressed and wanted to go take a shower. so obviously it didn't work #that's when i decided i have to make my place myself so i picked an empty room that literally nobody used and cleaned it up #got some help of other people to bring a table to the room and started using that place #i put a sign on the door that said please dont get in with your shoes bc i cleaned this fucking room thank you #nad it was going so good i loved that place it was clean and fresh and comfortable it was great #then one week i'm si k and i dont go there for a few days in a row #AND SOME MOTHERFUCKERS START USING MY ROOM #now. i know i cant be mad at anyone cause that's literally a public space too. but seriously out of all the rooms they can use...why mine?#i mean it wasn't even a study room before. there weren't even tables. and this whole year no one used it even once #i stepped up and made that place something. i'm sorry but i did it for myself not for anyone else #now its filthy again and i have to clean. but thats not even the issue. the issue is that people keep using the room whenever i'm not there #its not safe anymore #and i dont know how to ask them to leave #they look me in the eye and be like 'you wont mind if we study for a couple hours here right?' and i'm like '...sure. i was leaving anyway'#WHY AM I LIKE THIS #I hate this so much #how do i tell them to fuck off #UUUYGHHHHH #i think i'm gonna cry #sorry #this is the tag i'll use for my rants

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olivyh · 2 years

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More format-less hc

So I tested positive for covid shortly after senior prom (which my school said was like the super spreader), and have been feeling like garbage since monday, so have an angsty hc/thought

TW: Mentions of illness, death if you squint and uhh tuna ig bc things go better in threes

Since Yuu is from another world with different diseases, they’re no equipped for the different viruses that can go around twst. This means that a common cold for yuu, since their body isnt used to it, could hurt them much, much more than it would hurt a person native to twisted wonderland. They dont have the natural immunity that everyone else has.

Imagine Adeuce making fun of yuu for falling sick over something that everyone gets as a kid, brushing it off and going about their day. they start to get worried when yuu doesnt show up to class the next few days, which turns into a week. crewel (since we all know crowley isnt doing much) takes them to the infirmary and, without any barriers to magic, magical solutions do nothing for them. that week turns into a month, and that month turns into two. The students don’t know what to do, the dorm heads are scrambling to find a solution because without yuu’s help, nrc has fallen into the disarray that it was before they got there.

the first years don’t care, they snap at their seniors and spend every available moment by yuu’s side. they still host their study sessions, just in the infirmary rather than the library. they still talk to their friend, even if their friend hasnt woken up since that first week. ace wishes he hadnt made that joke, he thinks its his fault that yuu fell so ill. he cursed them, he thinks. deuce tries every single of his mothers remedies, and laments every time they dont work. jack leaves the finished notes and schoolwork by their bed, and he feels a part of him sink whenever he sees how large the pile had gotten- so large that he had to move part of it to the floor. epel talks to yuu as if they can listen, pacing back and forth and ranting who knows what, mostly vils still-strict skincare regime (although he uses those same techniques on yuu, when he notices that they look particularly….gaunt, and pale. he doesnt want them to look like a ghost anymore). sebek can only stand and stare at what used to be his first friend besides silver. he’d known that full humans can get terribly ill, and that fae recover much faster than most species, but seeing it in person sends a chill down his spine. he returns to diasomnia in silence for the first time. grim is inconsolable, refusing to leave his dormleaders side even when offered the most expensive tuna there is, even when bribed and pulled at. he only ever leaves to take care of the dorm, which shocks the rest of the student body. the tanuki claims that he absolutely has ti keep the dorm clean or yuu will be upset with him. in reality, he cant stand to look at their sickened face anymore.

or malleus, spending every moment yuus other friends arent there by their side, quietly telling them stories from his homeland or trying his best to help them magically, but even he knows theres not much he can do without hurting them more. visitors soon notice little things among the gifts, small flowers, intricate jewelry (that is, jewelry that is much different than the gifts from the dormleader al-asim), small statues and books, and… who left a used “gao-gao dragon-kun” toy?

if they do wake up, the rest of campus will never take their presence for granted again, nor will they ever be alone ever again.

if they dont, i mean hey, ghosts exist in twisted wonderland! (really trying to bring the mood up here guys)

this turned out a ton more sad than i wanted it to, and i made myself sad, so im gonna go get myself a popsicle and skip

more of my online classes

#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland headcannons #twst angst #twisted wonderland angst #twst yuu #ace trappola #deuce spade #jack howl #epel felmier #sebek zigvolt #malleus draconia #grim twst

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