#i just dont want to draw anymore because ive stressed myself over it so much its just not enjoyable anymore and it feels like im forcing it

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[littleviolence2016]

inspired by @b1mb1b00

1) i would rather not say

2) 7-10

3) i dont have one but would like one - i know when i get one despite me wanting one its gonna be really hard for me to open up because im not the best at being vulnerable and thats like the most vulnerable thing i can do - leave someone in charge of my inner child - i have 2 partners but i never like brought it up to them ya know like 1 is aware of what cgl is the other absolutely no idea & i dont wanna ruin our dynamic

4) build a bear workshop & mcdonalds - i love stuffies and wanna see how they’re made and be part of it itll be so sick & mcdonalds has the best chicken nuggets and fries fight me about it im right yeah they aren’t dino shaped but i can get over it they are the best AND i get a free toy and there’s no catch its great - another would be chuck-e-cheese i wanted to spend my birthday there again but haven’t had the money to i love games alot and maybe i can finally win something at the top of the prize wall even big me would want a chuck-e-cheese date okay i love games and pizza id always prefer chuck-e-cheese over dave and busters

5) i only have sippy cups & stuffed animals & toys - i would like more when i live in a bigger space i dont really need much because im a bigger boy but id like mostly food stuff like plates spoons i like the spoons with the plastic handles alot they have to be teaspoons cuz tablespoons are the devil they attack the senses in my mouth in a /neg way it’s awful who would do that to help regress maybe some of the handles spoons can be cute i dont want the bowl part plastic though thats also evil to me personally and i like the bath tablets that make the bath colors too and shower crayons i want those and blankets i love thoses and yeah i want more things when its safe

6) i dont know i dont think so i am into petplay tho does that count?

7) not that much different than big me i guess you can say even MORE childish than i already am (ik thats not the best word cuz they’re a child duh) i guess more baby like - like playful, bratty, causes problems on purpose im more quiet than big me but i also don’t have anyone i trust enough to talk to in that state so im mainly going based on my alters which i don’t say much

8) coloring because drawing frustrates me when it doesn’t go on the paper right

9) i don’t know that many 😿 i just met @adorableblindemo and they r real sweet

10) it depends - most times it’s voluntary but in really high stress situations i can regress usually then i tend to get mute like nonverbal i have select mutism and also other stuff its just scary

11) yeah thats what i would consider my voluntary is most of the time because i dont have a space that would allow me to even think about regressing fully

12) no

13) mac & cheese, cereal, chocolate milk/hot chocolate but if its hot chocolate it has to he more warm than hot because im a punk

14) love them adore then need to protect them

15) not really im usually rejected so i just don’t anymore i actively avoid it even

16) idk really i’ve never been called like pet names ive vibed with just nicknames

17) kids shows & having things in my mouth

18) no because i don’t really have a safe space so i always need to b on like high alert to switch back into big mode asap

19) its so hard to find like a side that i vibe with all i see is the stereotypical stuff (younger/baby regressers who r and super pastelly & like preferred not alternative baby things and have baby gear like diapers and pacis) i dont see that many middle regressiors or ones who like alternative pop culture things

20) i can’t find that many for fandoms im in but the ones i do i really do like i wanna make a masterpost one day mainly for myself cuz i wish i could find them easier its like i gotta dig for content

21) very - im real sensitive the air could blow the wrong way and im jumping

22) i mostly indulge in rpf so i don’t have anyone fictional per say just blorbos from bandom and select tv shows

23) no different than my room now really i wanna beanbag

24) ive never realky tried it before it looks fun but im kinda shy

25) i want my childhood/innocence back it was taken too soon i wanna nurture that side of me when things were simpler and protect it not have to think about how hard things are now and how i can’t really get help for it because i simply cant afford it

26) yes mainly my comfort artists (mainly mcr & waterparks atm)

27) no i don’t have a cg i tried making a chore chart that i printed from a blog on here but forgot about it a few weeks in

28) like i said in #7

29) ive been told i had the potential to be and i think so because when im big i do tend to be more protective, parental, nurturing and just overall alpha like

30) i dont know what to say rly but hey if you like the content i post lets be friends i’ll try not to bite

#age regression #age dreaming #30 days of agere #i ripped into queue with our black light ~ 🎆

[doodlboy]

-

#i hate this capitalist hellscape that causes me to burst into tears at the thought having to work a shitty job for the rest of my life #if i cant make the things i initially enjoyed as a hobby into a successful career just to be able to pay for existing in said hellscape #if art falls through i have nothing to fall back on- its not like i can get a decent paying job with my college reading level #that's the only thing i was actually good at the rest was either fucking around and it working out or just looking up answers #so that i wasn't a failure and i wouldnt get yelled at for anything less than As and Bs bc im 'such a smart kid' and i had to live up to it #im really tired #i want to just- stop drawing for a while but what else is there for me to do? cant just play videogames or do my makeup all day #or sit around scrolling through tumblr or pinterest. there's nothing to do except just sit there and rot like i do every day #even though im legally an adult now i still cant drive and my permit expired a while ago and im still expected to follow mom like a baby #or a maid. i cleaned 8 coke cans off her side table next to the couch today. just from today #doesn't even count the bottles either. and would you guess who it is who has to trot downstairs and get her all those cokes? me. #every day its 'go get me a coke. no bring 2 and stick the other in the fridge' every few hours and its ALWAYS me #im tired #i just want to go somewhere and just lay down for a while #leave the house by myself for once #this days just been shit anyway #had a nightmare about mom being transphobic. had to listen to stupid true crime and far right fox news or whatever bullshit that comes on #im just so tired #i just dont want to draw anymore because ive stressed myself over it so much its just not enjoyable anymore and it feels like im forcing it #ive hit like- a plateau bc im not learning anything new or doing actual studies or paintings or whatever else there is #just draw the same shit over and over im only good at mimicking- cant even make anything new #im gonna delete this later #but i just need like- an actual hug from an actual real person and to be listened to and cared for for a while #elliot vents #elliot rambles #personal vent

[suearthboundau]

hey guys i know its been pretty quiet, so im posting to give u all a little update.

first of all, thank u for all the support and well-wishes. i really appreciate it in this difficult time.

secondly, ive been thinking about this story and how its delivered, and potentially there will be changes.

right now, i am posting this story as a comic 11 panels at a time. when i first started this blog, a comic was the format i chose (rather than fanfic) because i wanted to work on my drawing, i could easier match the show’s tone/storytelling style through visuals, i would be more likely to have a larger viewerbase, and because i already have a different “zircons on earth” au on ao3 with different characterisation/headcanons and didnt want confusion between the two.

when i first started, drawing an update was easy because i was so passionate about this project. i wouldnt even need a script sometimes because i had so many ideas, and i could get the sketches done in an hour and the digital done in another four. now, it takes me 4-5 hours just to do the script and sketches. i most likely have adhd, ive seen a doctor and im going to be tested soon, and when im not super passionate abt a project it can be completely impossible to focus on. sometimes ive had to split the sketching over two days because after a few hours of trying to work on it i could only get 3 panels done. its like i try to think and something blocks thoughts from forming, even though i usually know whatll happen in a page just figuring out how to script it is hard. after the sketching, the digital is another 4-5 hours, and while it was fun and quick-feeling once, now it’s something i really have to slog through, doing all the simplest panels first like im eating my potatoes before my brussel sprouts. the whole time i work, i feel stressed and frustrated and i want to be doing anything else. sometimes i end up staring at a wall for ten minutes because my brain is so unwilling to focus.

on top of that, a comic like mine moves at a glacial pace. if i keep posting 11 panels a week for a year from today, thatll be 612 panels. so far we’ve had over 100 and practically nothing has happened. it could take years to get through the whole story i had planned, and i dont want to work on this for years. when i started, i didnt realise my choices would make this such an undertaking. or i just assumed id always be passionate enough that it wouldnt feel like a chore.

an option ive considered is either partly or fully telling the story in writing instead. a single 2000 word chapter could bring six months worth of comic-told story, and take way less time. plus, im way way better at writing than drawing. however the problem is a single week’s update would take longer than drawing, because writing takes more effort and i hold myself to a higher standard with it. plus, writing gets less notes and noone will reblog it, and that mightnt seem like something i should care about but entertaining people is the only reason i keep working on this. so if i switched and my average notes dropped from 20 to 5 itd be disheartening.

another thought i had was just posting the dot-pointed story ideas i had and then ending the blog. the reasons i might do this:. im kind of losing my special interest in su. and my wrist issues keep recurring so i basically always am limited in how much i can write/draw each day, and i want to use my limited time to work on new story ideas im passionate to work on. also i have pretty bad depression to the point that i can really only set myself one big task every second day without feeling overwhelmed, and this blog can take up multiple of those slots since sometimes i have to split the work over 2-3 days. also, now that suf has been done for a while, the su fandom is less active and interaction is way down on my posts, indicating that i wont have an audience for much longer anyway. plus this is about the zircons and im pretty sure me and like 5 other ppl are the only ones posting/reblogging abt them anymore so theres no market for this idea. a reason i might not shut down the blog is that its personally disappointing to me to give up on a project i was once so excited to finish.

so yeah, let me know what u guys think.

[snazzamazing]

Most of you have noticed already but there has been a huge lack of me posting recently. I have been having one of the most toughest artist times for a while. I've in this mood where I would be having major art block bit lots of motivation at the same time. When those two moods combine into one, it just makes one big mess of chaotic emotions. It's been going on for a long time. I'm stuck with my art at the moment. I'm just going to come clean and say it but doing art lately has been feeling like a tight and complicated stressful schedule for me. For months and months I've been having a mindset where I feel like I NEED to be posting constantly because I fear that if I dont, people would leave me. I fear that my account would just die and that my content wouldn't be relevant anymore. I hate that feeling. My art has been seeming like it's only meant to be posted to show that I'm active. My text posts or me answering questions now made me realize that I'm not even doing those for fun anymore! I'm only posting them to let people know that I'm still here. It really does seem like I'm working for some big company and that I have to post my work constantly and have to make sure it's all coming out perfectly, and its stressful. Now this is nobody's fault, this is just how I feel now.

I like to look back at some really old posts/art of mine to remember what it was like to feel more free. I miss the feeling of not caring about people's opinions on my interests. I miss the feeling of posting whatever I wanted and posting whenever I wanted. I want to go back to that and I am for sure going to work hard on getting back to that. I've honestly have been so scared to post art now. I miss posting about ships I like, about stupid comics, about my silly fnaf ideas, about my other interests but people's judgments and opinions all of a sudden matter to me now. It has started being that way ever since my account started getting bigger and bigger. I would get attacked for bringing up a thing I like or a thing I'm into and it really scared me and made me not want to share my opinions or interests ever again. I absolutely despised constantly having that feeling. That all ends now. I want to be down to earth with everyone because ya know, I'm human too.

Okay now let's talk about what I wanna do with my art. My art has been feeling repetitive and bland to me. I dont want that. For the past time I would mention stuff like "posting this soon!" Or "get ready for a new post Tomorrow!" And then never post it ever. Why? Because plans dont work out all the time. I only post art I'm satisfied with so if my art takes forever to post or just gets cancelled on posting then that's that. I do feel bad, but I'd rather have art up that makes me happy too. The fnaf 2 art I said that I was gonna post? Yeah, not happening. It's not turning out as I wanted so sorry for missing out on the fnaf 2 anniversary:(

Speaking of fnaf, I am still going to continue drawing it. But I've been wanting to draw other content too for the longest time. The reason why I dont post other content more is because nobody is interested in it. It doesnt get as much attention as my fnaf art. That used to not bother me but the thing is I cant keep doing fnaf content forever so I care now. I want to post more about my ocs and their wacky world. I want to post about other fandoms, even fandoms that I'm not even into! I have been dging to post overwatch but held back on that because the whole blizzard controversy happened and I was scared that people would hate me to post overwatch at such a bad timing like that. I've been into overwatch for years and have been wanting to post art about it but didnt because I was very self conscious on my human style. But now that I figured it out, things went all over the place. For those of you who dont know, I've also had an overwatch blog years ago but deleted it later cause I didnt like how the blog turned out. I am going to post overwatch art in the future cause ive enjoyed the game for years now. What blizzard did was terrible and I'm not on board with it so please dont hate me, I just really like the OW characters. ANYWAY, I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND RANTED OFF TRACK BUT YEAH. I WANT TO EXPAND MY ART A LITTLE.

And last thing. I've said it before, but I HATE feeling like my art has to be on a schedule where theres deadlines and where I have to post constantly. I'm having mini burnouts. So to all those people who sent messages about me not posting anymore or about my account dying, I want to let you know that my account is still alive and will have posts. Please understand that if I am taking forever to post something new, I am trying to figure things out. I am trying to figure out time management for school and art. I am trying to figure out things on my art style. I am trying to figure out new ideas for big projects I wanna do. I am trying to figure myself out and I dont need to be rushed. I am an artist and I am free to do what I want and post whenever I want. Art is for fun and for stressing myself out.

THERE, THERE I FINALLY RANTED IT ALL OUT. It was an extremely long rant, but I really needed to get it off my chest. Again, nobody is at fault here and nobody is forcing my wack behavior to be like this, it's just some thoughts I need to get out of my head. You are all important and matter to me so I have to be honest with everyone. I cant keep hiding away. I'm just some teen wacko girl that wants to draw characters and be friends with you cool weirdos :)

Love you all💖

Edit: I am so sorry if my rant made no sense and is all over the place or if it somehow upset people, that wasnt my intent. Its 2am and I'm all panicky so I had to rant sO THAT I CAN SLEEP

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

#breakup #long post

[domesticangel]

here’s a big ol dump of art thats been sitting in my folders for anywhere between 1-3 years that at this point ill probably never finish to accompany some Really Long rambling under the cut

im a junior in college now (””should be”” a senior/whatever that means/since i took a gap year but) but when i was in my like....sophomore-senior years of high school i drew like.....every. freaking. day. like literally i feel like i would draw like, 1 or 2 fully fleshed out, give-all-my-attention to type drawings every single day of my life, and i always had so much fun doing it.

after having a while to self-reflect though ive concluded theres kind of some layers to this. because i figure theres at least a little romanticization of the past going on, because i KNOW i wasn't a very happy person in high school; in fact, mental health wise, late high school into my freshman year of college was probably my very lowest point. i did lack motivation at these points, but not for drawing; i kind of put off school work and college prep, which wasn't good, but drew like HELL every single day, and pretty much all of it was fan art. thats one of the main differences between me then and me now; i used to dedicate so much of my time and energy to “fandom” and the media i was into, and it totally fueled my desire to draw, whereas now, i obviously still enjoy different series, but... my life doesn't really revolve around them like it used to.

the way i see it, i think i definitely used to use media and fandom participation as a form of escapism, but not really the good kind... i think it was more of a maladaptive obsession i failed to keep in check that i know for a fact really got in the way of my schoolwork, and i only doubled down when it came time to apply to colleges, because of course that stressed me out and scared me; during times like that, which was almost always due to my mental health issues at the time, i clung to fandom because its what brought me comfort and kind of shielded me from my responsibilities.

either way, that obsession with whatever media i was into at any given time is also what i think gave me that desire to draw all the time that i miss so much. i think being THAT invested in something is what actually gave me the constant desire to create, and being able to create something and feel accomplished in something without having to face anything uncertain or scary kept me totally hooked. so its weird trying to parse how i feel about that time period in my life.

on one hand, my mental health has gotten SO much better. obviously ive matured a lot since high school, so over time ive learned about much better coping mechanisms and ideas about mental health, ive gotten on a medication that works for me, and ive really gotten into my major so I'm really enjoying school as well. and obviously this is progress that i would never, ever, just want to give up or throw away. however, its also this progress that seems to have inadvertently influenced how often i draw, because I'm no longer fully diving into media/fandom because i dont need that escapism anymore, and therefore i don't have this like, feverish, obsession-fueled desire to draw like i used to. its kind of a double edged sword i guess and something i don't have a clear answer to.

i also think another factor i can't ignore is that i used to have a very large following in a lot of fandoms on tumblr, and if i remember correctly before i deleted my old tumblr i had around 12,000 followers that i had accumulated over probably the course of about 5 years. so that meant that my fan art got a LOT of attention. not to sound like hur-de-blur-social-media-is-evil but like at least in my personal experience, i kind of taught myself to think, “your art is only worth something if it gains a huge, instantaneous reaction, and peoples’ reaction to your art is the ONLY thing that decides its value.” and thinking like that really has hurt how i feel about my art over time! often times, after deleting my tumblr, i would find myself thinking, “well whats the point in doing any art, because nobodys going to see it anyway” so i honestly didn't draw or feel anything for art for a long, long time. in that time i channeled my feelings and energy into much more harmful activities, and i really could've used art at the time, but it had become such a worthless concept in my head since i could no longer associate it with immediate praise and attention.

i forgot a lot of important things about art, most importantly, how it could be fulfilling to just ME and that that was ok. i forgot that drawing regularly would help me improve, or give me something to focus on when i felt down, or give me the power to create something when i felt like i messed up everything else around me, or just make me happy because i thought of something i wanted to put on paper and then just put it on paper. and thats one of the main reasons i created this tumblr; i want to kind of rekindle that passion i had for art, but this time, without the maladaptive obsessions and without the need for approval from everyone around me. and i know this isn't a unique struggle; i know lots of artists who share their work online get discouraged by how little attention their work gets after they put so much time and effort into it, and like them, i don't have an answer as to how to “fix” this feeling either. but i can at least try. i want to prove to myself that the time i spent feeling hopeful and happy about something i created justifies its entire existence regardless of now many notes it gets, whether its OCs, fan art, digital, traditional, whatever. i just want to learn how to draw because it makes me happy.

that said, finding the motivation can be hard. however, i think I'm sometimes a little too hard on myself. I'm on winter break right now, and ive kind of defaulted to thinking “you haven't drawn enough, you've wasted so much time wishing the motivation fairy would visit you and make you draw that you haven't put in the time and effort needed to make yourself do it, youre pissing away every chance you have.” but when i think about it, i don't think thats true.

ive spent a lot of time thinking about OCs recently, which is kind of wild, because i haven't had the desire to make OCs in probably literally ten freakin years, so thats honestly huge for me--i actually really WANT to make original content despite the fact that i know it won't get as much attention as fan art, and i want to just do it for me, because i want to get it out. ive done a whole character sheet and I'm working on another! and sure, it didn't take me half a day like it maybe used to would've, but what does that matter? i thought, hey, i wanna get this out, and i got it out, and thats good enough for me. ive even written up storyboards in case i wanna ever make some small comics about my OCs just for fun, which is exciting cause ive never done it before. ive also been working on a commission for a close friend who wanted me to design her a fursona, and not only has it been a really fun process, but its the first commission ive done in a really, really long time, and it feels really rewarding. on top of that, I'm working on a painting for my dad as a late christmas present, and its my first really ambitious traditional piece in a while, so thats been pretty exciting too. and sure, ive done some fan art, but it feels like its coming from a better place; its less “please assign me value” and more just, really feeling something for the characters and wanting to try to connect with other people who feel something for those characters as well.

so, while it seems challenging, i also need to remind myself not to be blind to my own progress. i think i am doing better, and feeling better about art even if sometimes it feels like i spend way more time thinking about doing art instead of actually doing it. i think thats probably normal, and i think i can keep heading in the right direction.

ANYWAY this got really long but sometimes typing out how i feel about something and then reading it back helps me understand my own head a little better, so thats ok

#art #theres some scattered tf2 stuff in here but its mostly old tf2 ocs so

[chooseausername]

i think i miss my dad. i was just sitting on the side of my hotel bed with my legs hanging off crying, and i had a memory pop up where i walked in on my dad doing the same thing. i was less than 5 years old because it was in our old house. i walked up to him and he was crying. he looked defeated. i put my hand on his shoulder and said "its okay" and it seemed to make him feel better. he stopped crying and said "yeah, it's ok." i wish i could have had a closer relationship to him. the drugs took him. i hope they don't take me too. my partner reminds me that i have a lot more possibilities working in my favor. like the fact that i don't have 3 kids, i eat better than my dad did, i don't drink alcohol anymore (aside from an occasional trip down memory lane), and i'm only really addicted to ketamine, not coke. i think those are valid points but i don't think that they should steer me away from comparing myself to my dad. it's important that i remind myself that i don't want to end up like him. i need to get a handle on my unhealthy habits. i want to throw myself into music so i can have a hobby that makes me feel good. i feel good when i sing and play music, especially hand drums. i would love a hang drum. i want to get a keyboard too. music and dance. i would love to take salsa classes and really learn like the pros. these two hobbies actually help me feel. ive tried other hobbies to no avail. drawing, painting, jewelry making, candle making. kayaking is fun but not winter friendly. maybe i need to take low dose naltrexone again. it seemed to help my mood but it gave me terrible nightmares. my back hurts. this is the last weekend that ill have to travel for work. im excited to develop a routine and travel less. i want the travel that i do to be for fun. drugs are becoming less and less fun. i'm going to have to figure out how to enjoy being sober. im trying to surrender to this funk i'm in. i feel so blah, crying daily, lots of memories of the past. missing J who was a total asshole to me except for small moments in time when he was wonderful. i need to stop glamorizing who he was. i need to remember the whole package, not just the fun parts that kept me going back for more. i guess that can be said for drugs too. the whole package like the nose bleeds, running out and the comedown, depression, paranoia, memory troubles, financial burden, etc. is it all worth it? it wasn't worth it to stay with J even though i think i miss him. I'm the one who left. i'll probably do the same with drugs eventually. it was hard hanging out with R today. she's deep in her addiction too. her memory is getting really bad. sometimes i feel like "whats the point" when talking to her because she doesn't remember much of what we talk about. we often have the same conversation multiple times. i love her and i hope she gets sober and has a happy life. i love myself and i hope i get sober and have a happy life. i hope i can get over J eventually too... and stop obsessing over noah hill from parcels just because he looks like him. gosh sometimes i feel so crazy. i don't think i am though, because i have a lot of self awareness. i think if i was crazy, i would lack the self awareness or ability to ask myself if i'm acting crazy. i think i'm just working through traumas and growing up. maybe ill order one of those cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks. maybe i'm really just over analyzing everything and i need to chill out about the entire growing up process. i bet when i'm like 65 i'm going to look back and wonder why i stressed so much. by that time ill have lots of life experience. god noah hill is so hot. i want to throw him down and pull his strawberry blonde hair. i want to tease him until he's begging for it and then fuck his brains out. gosh i feel so primal right now. i'm glad i'm not promiscuous though. i think we exchange energy with those with have sex with, so im glad i dont do it with just anyone. actually i haven't had sex in a year and 3 months.

[magicalgirlpropaganda]

Things that are hot and sexy (because i do them)

• being unable to cite sources no matter how long you spend on it or how long you try

• getting a boost of motivation to work but on the wrong thing

• actually don't mind doing school work and have a thirst for knowledge but hate failure and not having time to finish assignments

• "wow i can't believe i finished all my assignments for the week! So fast. I have time to study and actually perfect my work and get better grades" *gets more assignments* *cries*

• i can't meet my own high standards

• being so stressed because of mom that i have horrible mood swings and im in a constant state of rage and anxiety

• being relieved when my friends invite me to do things because then i see it as an obligation and im "forced" to go (even though they'd understand if i said no, i see it as an obligation for my own mental wellbeing)

• wanting desperately to help others but struggling to even take care of yourself

• i can do the work, i can handle the workload. But i can't handle the pressure of my mom checking my grades

• i know that I'm smart and i know that I can do it. Ive been working so hard and my work is paying off but i need my mom to trust me

• overeating due to stress and went on an etsy shopping spree. Had to force myself to stop "stress buying" stuff and "stress eating"

• my dumb little passion project went on hiatus because im busy. Which is fine but a bit dissapointing

• i love it here. I don't want to leave. I love the art program. The work is a lot but i love my classes and my friends and my life here. What if one day something horrible happens and i have to leave because its too expensive?

• everything in my life is going good but my mom stresses me out so much that it's no longer going good

• I'm sorry for being incompetent... Even on my medicine. I am much better off than before and i can actually think but. I can't focus and i often miss intructions on assignments unless i write down absolutely everything. Why am i like this?

• my high empathy problems are coming up again because im so emotional.

• i am fine on 6 hours of sleep a night now but i wonder how long that will last. I don't have enough time to sleep for 8 hours every night. And maybe its because i take too many breaks but if i dont take breaks, i can't focus and everything just because thoughts that don't make sense

• im so stressed. Please just let me get my work done. All i ask is to be able to just sit down, relax, get my work done. I want to do so well on the exam later this week that I bump my B to an A or just even a high B.

• at least i enjoy school. High school and before was... Much worse. I don't enjoy spending hours trying to find out how to cite very specific topics and i dislike that one of my professors is a big perfectionist and so i often lose points on assignments (everyone does) no matter how hard i try to make it perfect. And i dislike having to check canvas so often because its difficult to navigate and i swear they try to hide assignments from us. And i hate that i have so much work that some weeks i wonder if i can possibly get it all done. And i hate group projects and i hate writing boring essays. But i love my classes at least. And i want to do well. I will do well. I am going to make all A's if it kills me. I was a B/C student in high school with occasional A's. If i just studied more (i never studied), i could have been one of the best students there, i believe. I didn't study, but I'm glad I didn't because it didn't matter as long as I got ok grades and I passed. I enjoyed my youth (not that im not still young...not that those years weren't the worst). But now i have to make A's or at least high B's because I know i can and I have to prove to my mom that I can do it. Maybe if i get good enough grades, she will back off some. Then I can prove to her that i really don't need her "help".

• this is way too specific of a list

• i want a job. If only i had time for a job. I have a strong work ethic. Im a good little capitalist slave. Please give me mone- i mean. Work. Yeah... Work...

But I dont have time for a job. Im very thankful that i dont need one. But I need to grow up and get a job because it will help me in the future

• speaking of which....a job i applied for months ago just called today... A lite late, buddy. Im 2 hours away now.

• but god... I so want to work there. I hear its a great place to work and the owner is gay (aka, not going to be homophobic to me)

• i wish i had my suitemate/neighbor's life. Like loudly talking on the phone and slamming doors as loud as possible all day long? And she's an RA so she gets paid.

• im calling my mom soon and getting this shit over with. Also i have somewhere to go with friends tonight so we can kidna- i mean recruit ppl for the theatre club. Im no theatre person but i am there for my friend and to make props.

• i can't do it.

• but if i do this, ill be free....

• maybe a quick meditation beforehand. Maybe self hypnosis so i can emotionally numb myself for a few minutes... Idk if im experienced enough to do that yet... But I've been doing it for years so might as well give it a try

• have i really resorted to self hypnosis to deal with the stress of calling my own mother?

• am i really so weak that even though everything is going well, something as simple as my mom calling to check my grades once a week makes me so upset that I cry almost every day about it?

• i know what she is doing is not legal. But what can I do about it?

• my mom thinks that im incompetent as well. That's why she checks my grades. She thinks I can't do it. She didn't even think that I had the ability to live by myself. I proved her wrong there.

• im working so hard partly because of her. So why does me working hard and thus not having time to call make her upset?

• it will all be over by tomorrow.

• perhaps calling her on the phone in a public space would be better. Maybe if she realizes that im not just in my dorm....

Luckily, my mom cares a little too much about social norms. She's used against me this all my life but perhaps it could be beneficial to me.

•thats right. I can just pack my stuff i need for my work. Then ill meditate for a bit and take a tea break. Ill go take everything to a public place with lots of people and call her then.

• i don't want to bring my friends into this, it wouldn't be right. But i wish that they would just sit next to me while I was on the phone. For emotional support at least. But i wouldn't ask them to do that, especially since we haven't known each other long. But i think it would make everything better if i had someone else to back me up

• people must be sick and tired of these posts. Im sorry.

• my mom says she's proud of me, but she doesnt act like it. She used to trust me. When i was 16/17, she would say that its up to me, my responsibility, that I knew what I was doing. Now, im 18. Why does she no longer trust me? I am an adult now. It doesn't make sense. I'm more responsible than I was at that age and im an adult now. It doesn't make sense at all, shouldn't she trust me more?

• i check my own grades religiously. Why is it necessary for her to do so too? What does that accomplish?

• i have an A, 2 almost A's, 2 low B's (but i know i can get the grade up and im studying hard to do so) and one C (it was an assignment that everyone did poorly on and another homework assignment that i did poorly on because I was exhausted). I know a C is bad but it's my drawing class. My favorite class. I do well in there and i think I'm probably one of the better peforming students in there. The C was just a small mistake and since we have more work in there now, getting that grade up will not be difficult. But i feel like all of my hard work just doesn't matter anymore. It will not satisfy her either way. Even if I had all A's, she would probably still be upset that I didn't have high enough A's. One of my professors says that she doesn't give A's on projects because "mistakes happen in art and you have to accept it".

• heavy workload... Im fine doing it but... I can't do it well with the amount of time I'm given. If i just had the weekend as well and not just the rest of the week. If i had just one full day more.

• this weekend will probably be dedicated to next week's work if i can do it early

• i can't call her. It's too stressful.

• im lightheaded just thinking about it

• i have every right to be angry. I have every fucking right to be angry.

• my day should revolve around schoolwork and studying. My weekends should revolve around taking breaks and light workloads. But every moment of every day revolved around my mom instead.

• and to think... If i lived in a place where college wasnt so expensive... Perhaps she would leave me be. Perhaps my grades would be so much better and perhaps I would be happy.

#vent post #rambles #long post #rambling

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

#blathering

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/ #self harm/ #other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

[etherealskeletons]

this is just one big ole vent about everything thats been going on and tbh? i wouldnt even bother reading it, its all over the place and everything that comes outta my mouth is absolute garbage anyway so..

anyway —

i hate my family for a variety of reasons, but im starting to realize that they legitimately treat me like im less than human and some kinda servant

i told them i cannot become my grandmothers 24/7 caretaker. mentally and physically, i cannot do it. if im forced to do it, i know for a fact that i will have a huge mental breakdown and my ass is gonna get hospitalized for doing God only knows to myself

but they guilt me. guilt trip, after guilt trip, after guilt trip. my uncle followed me around the damn house telling me that if i left, i would have my grandmothers death on my hands, bc im apparently the only person thats keeping her alive at this point. “she doesnt have much to live for these days, yknow” - “well, who else is gonna take care of her?” - “we’re family, so you have to do this. dont you care about your family?”

you would never guess that my aunt is a registered nurse, one of my cousins is a CNA, another one works in hospice, and my uncle already cared for someone in my grandmothers current state for over 20+ years, with the way they speak to me. they act as if im the nurse with 20+ years of hospice work. but im not! im just some severely depressed bitch that draws and writes occasionally - and i cant even do that anymore!!

im just so stressed and distraught all the time. i cant sleep, i can barely eat without feeling sick, i always feel like im gonna cry.. everythings just so overwhelming, i barely find anything enjoyable anymore, and sometimes i dont even see the point of living since its just work work work until you finally get the guts to kill yourself or seriously harm yourself

they also get so fucking insulted if i ask to get compensated for the years ive spent here, they tell me to forget the 10 years ive spent. just forget about it! its in the past! just forget about the late nights of doing medical or cleaning duties, forget the appointments you had to miss because your family comes before you do, forget about all the emotional and mental games they would play, forget all the money youve spent on them, forget all the bills you had to pay.. i could go on, but forget about it! its in the past!! youre family, so ofc you had to do all of this!! b ut then theyre allowed to get compensated for all the “hard work” theyve done, and they just.. they dont do anything? they havent done anything to help my grandparents??

noone else had to do all the things i had to do, and noone else had to go through all the shit ive gone through. everyone in my family lives like teenagers, going to concerts and having a blast! while im stuck taking care of the elderly because “thats what family does” its not fair! its just not fair! i give everything up - and they say that everything ive done is nothing, and tell me i need to do more for this family because im not doing enough

this woman shouldnt even be coming home! she cant stand up, shes on an oxygen machine, she needs to be lifted to go to the toilet - i jus.. mmmmmMMMMMMM

then they have the audacity to tell me to stop going to counseling, theyre saying its making me worse when thats not even true? for once in my life i have an amazing counselor that actually listens and offers advice! but they want me to stop going so i can devote myself 24/7 to them and to this house and their weird shenanigans and fucked up mind games and hhhhh

my dad says that weve done all we can and that enough is enough. that were actually gonna move out, get a place somewhere down south. we can change our names and start completely over and never talk to this family ever again. ive been yearning for this day to come for so long im jus.. im excited! but im also terrified. because i feel like its gonna get snatched away from me. this dream of running away and starting over as someone new.. God, everyones promised me this, and everyone whos promised me this has always snuffed it in the dirt and left me in the dust

if my dad doesnt follow through, i dont know what im gonna do

i just dont know

#noah cries #diary

[empty-devils]

im frustrated

last fall a guy i didnt know was suddenly a part of my normal friend group here in town, met him at RT related events (joel show specifically) and if my friends met him before those i was unaware of it, thats where i met him. real talk i was never super comfortable around him, but he didnt seem like a bad guy, just awkward, and i tried to make myself act naturally around him and not make things weird or awkward but i was still really never comfortable around him fastfoward into the new year, hes a part of our dnd group, we’re hanging out as a group semi-regularly, im still doing my best to not act awkwardly around him and treat him like i do anyone else, its extremely obvious he has a crush on me despite me not at all subtly around thanksgiving expressing that i have zero interest in dating anyone or being in relationships at all atm, (also random uncomfortable things like making plans for me before i even agree to anything and just moving forward with them but like, friend, i dont even keep plans i make myself 90% of the time) BUT... basically i have a depressive episode, post about it here on tumblr, i wake up to DMs from him saying that he “happened” to be on my tumblr at a certain time and saw the posts and had excuses and was reaching out andddd on a hunch i checked my stats page and found that particular hit on my blog, and he’s been checking my tumblr almost hourly for moooooonths, i’d been seeing that hit, but i didnt know what it was and hoo boy it turned my general discomfort into WOW IM SUPER FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOW DONT FEEL SAFE POSTING ON MY OWN BLOG due to rly bad past experiences and ?? so i made a post vaguely calling out this fact because i didnt want to confront him directly about it, since i wanted things to remain as normal as possible i just wanted him to back the heck off so i get FB messages from him saying that “hes sorry that hes broken” and his “brain gets stuck sometimes” and that he’ll never contact me again and not to tell our mutuals why he suddenly vanishes, and then messages our friends regardless later that day saying to them “ive been unintentionally cyber-stalking mk, im going to go to therapy and get help but i cant hang out with you guys anymore unless MK says its okay” which...holy shit dude, you are putting me in the position of being the bad guy when i am the one whos space was violated and was made super fucking uncomfortable i tell my friends i want things to be chill, i dont want it to be a big deal, we can still all do things, im sorry it escalated like this, i just want him to back off of me, and once he sorts his shit out things can be fine (there was a level of “im gonna be mia while i start therapy” in his messages to them) because i dont want to be the one fucking things up for people?? and theeEEEENNNN allie comes and visits and her first night in town suddenly i hear allie from the living room “uh that guy @’d me” since...she knew.. the situation..since it was a Thing that just happened. and the tweet was along the lines of “starting therapy on monday, too bad this situation means i wont get to meet @ allie while shes in town - i feel like we’d be friends” (or something, it was a chain, and i saw it briefly when allie showed me) and according to other friends had pretty much a tweet chain about how he likes to meet people and collect friends like pokemon? and like...drunk tweeting yes, but holy shit, and still more of this trying to make people feel bad for you when you’re the one who did the thing????? (also he messaged me again in this time frame) so i talked to our mutual friends about it since i didnt really know what to do since i was scared of burning this bridge, but the immediate response i got was “block him” so i did. i blocked him, and i messaged him and explained why i blocked him giving him the benefit of the doubt that he doesnt get that hes being really fucking manipulative in the situation, but like bruh ill put up with a lot of shit and discomfort directed at me, but involving allie made me draw the line (plus after how weird and clingy he got of me it made me really anxious to think of him around allie at all?? even before?? god) and he then texts our friends and is like “so i guess i fucked up even more,” and then told them he wasnt going to be talking to them anymore and to never message him again, so...that..was that.. but of course it wasnt, hes trying to make amends with them it seems, which is fine?? he did nothing to them, but whats getting to me now its one of those friends is messaging my new roommate about it instead of talking to me? and when she expressed “well im not comfortable with him” because..shes..like me..and nervous about dudes and especially nervous about dudes who have pulled shit like this, he was immediately defended and i just???? why cant situations ever actually be over??

im frustrated and stressed out and fully aware that my relationship w my other friends is probably gonna be pretty well damaged if they get back to being friends with him, since im already a homebody and would never be comfortable going out to environments where he is a part of the group and they know that so i just. wont. be included anymore? and that also means mason gets isolated? god i fucking hate this

also he still checks my blog and probably reading all of this too so thats great

#cyber stalkers are fucking great #i love struggling with my mental illness and struggling to not effect other people and have other people use theirs as an excuse to be #harmful to me #its great

[kosmicdream]

The Patience and Pressure of ...A Secret

Now that Chapter 11 is completed, I am left to reflect on the journey as well as plan for the next one. This has been a very intense chapter for me emotionally and physically...Somewhat more draining than any previous chapter to date. I am thankful it is over, I wish I could say it was the most fun chapter I’ve had but honestly it was pretty stressful and exhausting. Regardless of that, I am exceptionally proud of its completion it and I don’t think I’ve ever been so satisfied with an ending to a chapter, not since ch5 I think.

Usually when a chapter ends, I feel immediately anxious for the next or just.. dunno, empty, disappointed, doubtful.. Usually anxious. Anxious to keep going because of all the loose ends I’ve left, new situations and characters I’ve introduced, desperate to provide context and more information and.. usually in the hopes that it all makes sense, without it making too much sense that its boring and predicable..? This kind of comes to this point of Spoon, who has been the most interesting character in FFAK to me for a long time. The most interesting and complicated, as he was made from the inspiration of “what would happen if I wrote someone who split in half and the two halves went on to live different lives?” Its exceptional to me now, to imagine how far that idea carried and how much it still provides with hours of introspection. I thought it, honestly, might take years and years before I revealed this huge aspect of this character despite it being one of the topics i cared about the most in this story. It almost became so very important, exciting, compelling I just.. Didn’t want to share it? It was very special somehow, i suppose because of how much the story’s plot is pushed by these two individual characters (That are still the same man.) I wanted it to be done right, done perfect. Because it was the almost the “best” idea i had, so. of course as it remains in your mind, or hidden, it can remain perfect, you can pick and fine tune it, set up more for the reveal, debate on the scenes you could do for the reveal, hypothesize on reactions, stress over it being figured out before you can explicitly reveal it.. and... and.. Its been almost two years since I made this character. ... It feels weird to be suddenly open about it. I don’t think its hit me yet? I don’t know when it will. When I finally shared I almost felt like, surrendering something. Surrendering and failing, to keep something guarded. It also felt liberating, I wanted to share every secret my story had, because none was as important as this one to me. None would have as much impact, on me. But I wondered, for something that mattered so much to me, it might not be the same to my readers. I almost felt sad that they might not feel the same way or as.. shocked as I was. Maybe I felt, that was because I ruined it by not doing it better, or in a more hype-y way. It was just the way it ended up coming out. It happened in.. none of the fashions I planned, but instead, of the way it happened.. like.. In the scenes I didn’t plan on drawing, but just got to privately experience for my own enjoyment. There’s many scenes like that. And theres so many scenes I wonder, are only the most enjoyable to me and not to anyone else. Not the same way. I dont know, its a weird thing to try to think of other people’s perceptions, or enjoyment, when I do realize that making this comic is really just, an exercise of enjoying my own thoughts. I often feel a sense of doubt or shame I was not more patient, yet i feel happy i am liberated of my secret so I can move forward to more interesting pastures. I almost never was going to share anything of Knife’s past. His entire character was going to be a mystery. Yet.. I have devoted all of 2016 to him. I think about the secrets I decided to tell early.. or tell at all, when I planned NOT to, and how that has only opened the door to more and more that i could have not thought about sharing before. But instead, now I can experience more, and have fun living in moments I only shared in my heart in a perfect vision. Drawing them is so much more tangible of an experience. reading them is validating, it makes them real. They are an added proof they happened. But when I guard secrets in my stories, i feel like I have sacrificed something of “worth” by sharing them. Worth of myself as a writer, for cheating and sharing the idea before I could somehow, more tastefully craft the reveal of this concept. It bottles inside me and instead of having all that control, the opportunity comes and I blurt everything out. I feel emberassed or nervous about it. Not about the idea itself, or even the execution, just the fact that I have shared the secret in a way I didnt plan, or in a moment sooner than I expected. It just happened..so go with it. There are still so many things i felt i definitely should have gotten to by now but still havent. Things i planned for the first day i have still not drawn. I am not as excited to share them as many of the ‘secrets’ i have revealed. (I will still enjoy them when I draw them anyway. Maybe even more than i expected, too) I enjoy them but, its not the same as like. “Oh wait ‘till they know about THIS!" This process of experiencing writing this story is so strange. The concepts and the execution. I am always in a whirlwind with myself, in some parallel adventure to the ones of my readers. I feel like several people at once, experiencing it from many different perspectives. I try to make sense of it, knowing I can never do that and knowing so much (of what i feel) will be lost before I can comprehend it. I feel satisfied with this ending of chapter 11. I am satisfied with the new journey of 2017. It didn’t happen how i thought it would, but I am going to continue with it (not that I have ever thought not to continue, just, added affirmation) and I feel better about the future of my story than I ever have before. My anxious “I need to do more” feeling is not as prominent for the first time in a long time. I feel like ive reached a certain.. goal. I have let some vital, important knowledge out that i can build on, instead of delicately avoiding or hinting at. For all the things my comic has taught me, I am amazed at how much Spoon has done already. He is so intimidating. I want to fully embrace what he is. I am happy I can share him as intimately, I am amazed that i almost avoided so much of that journey by keeping it a secret.. I’m glad I don’t have to hide it anymore. I look forward to elaborating more and more about him, as well as the dynamics he shares with the rest of the cast. Anyway, thanks for reading. I just really wanted to write some of my.. stream of conciousness feelings tonight. And thanks again for reading my comic too! -Kosmic

#personal #spoon #feast for a king #ffak

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

#>>.txt #drugs text #i GUESS #i dont rly consider them drugs but i understand they can b used recreationally... #and often are #but i think of it like taking advantage of benzos #theres no real need for neurotypicals i guess

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time

#journal #6/6/21 #personal #suicide ment #prefer it if you dont reblog