#i cannot and do not deal with neurotypicals

[atlantis-just-drowned]

My favourite hobby is to walk around, look at random people going on with their lives, approach them and tap their shoulders to say: "Did you know? You're autistic."

#i have some sort of neuro-dar #i just look at people and go #'hmmm. this is neuro-spicy behaviour.' #my best friend can confirm #btw if i like your presence you're default neurodivergent #mutuals you know who you are #i cannot and do not deal with neurotypicals #those guys are weird #anyway i'll stop my ramblings now good night #i might be autistic #probably autistic #being autistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic things #neurodivergent things #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #neurodiverse stuff #whispers from atlantis #bestie's trinkets box

[nyanryan]

the need to have "neurotypical" and "neurodivergent" be two completely different things with no grey area in between is a disservice to both groups. i would say every single person on this earth could qualify as neurodivergent if they bothered to go see a psychiatrist. its just that only certain ppl are going to be put in a situation where they cannot function and need a label to explain it bc society

#btw I am convinced that I am the only person who truly understands the field of psychiatry. or the lack of evidence to support one. #there are so many symptoms that are just the exact same thing but described in different ways and depending on the biases of whoever #diagnoses you You will end up with a completely different disorder! #there is no way to be objective about something as subjective as human experience #this is a vaguepost ab r/adhdwomen btw i love the group but also freshly diagnosed ppl be acting in ways. #being neurodivergent forces you to be more in touch with your own needs but every single person on this Earth would benefit from that #so please for the love of God teach the neurotypical people in your life to do that too #I also saw a post earlier about how shopping around 4 therapists should not exist because you don't shop around for surgeons or restaurants #and it made me so mad because you literally do shop around before therapists and for restaurants #and there are 1 million different subfields of therapy please for the love of God do not give up if CBT does not work for you. #if your therapist is so unskilled that they cannot help you because they cannot change the physical reality of your situation #then they are a bad therapist. they are bad at their job! #their job is not to make your situation better their job is to give u the ability to deal w the situation no matter how bad it is. #ryambles #my only sources are that i am mentally ill and have been in therapy since i was 14. but im right. #i meant to say for surgeons and restaurants but i was typing too fast. bc of the adhd. sorry. #i am reading all of this over and maybe it makes no sense but i dont care. read my post boy.

[lumsel]

I don't strictly "like" taking ADHD meds, the comedown is awful and they play havoc on my appetite. But I kinda need them. I write software for a living. Software requires a great deal of focus that I simply cannot muster up off my meds. If I didn't have my meds, I would lose my job.

Part of this can be blamed on the cruelties of our modern capitalistic system. If the world understood my condition better, maybe I would not need to take stimulants to survive. I read an article once that really went all in on the idea that ADHD's negative perception is a symptom of perception, not an objective truth. Maybe people with ADHD are just as capable, but they do things in a different way to neurotypicals. Maybe all we need is better support, and social solutions, and more understanding of the different way that ADHDers think.

Which is all very compelling. Except.

I often find myself procrastinating activities that I want to do. My apartment has been accumulating dust because I keep forgetting to vacuum. One time I let the dishes in my sink stack too high and it was months before I could get myself to clean the mould off them. The demands of capitalism mean I need to software to pay rent, but sometimes I just want to do software, and no amount of narrative reframing or social support will clear the noise in my head long enough to let me focus on the code.

The notion that ADHD isn't a deficiency, just a different way of thinking, is something I find condescending. The implication here is I shouldn't have to write software, I should be given a different job, and I shouldn't have to maintain my own apartment, I should have the support of my community coming into my room and cleaning my things. But what if I want to do those things? What if I like software, or the privacy of an atomised existence? Maybe society has no right to decide what the correct way to live my life is, but surely I do!

The reason it sucks that it's hard for me to keep my dishes clean is not because the world says so, it is because I say so. It is because sometimes I want to be able to remember to do things and it sucks that I cannot live my life in the way that I want.

#head hurts right now #txt

[alpaca-clouds]

Neurodiversity & Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria

Starting with this graphic by @adhd-alien

Okay, let me talk about Rejection Sensitive Disphoria, which is something ADHD folks - but also autistic folks - struggle with a lot. And technically speaking... it is a trauma response. This is nothing that just happens to a neurodiverse brain as is, but it is an effect of trauma.

A lot of neurodiverse people - especially ADHD people - encounter a lot of rejection during their life. They get criticized for being inattentive, for being "lazy", for being "weird", for being too attached, and too detatched. Basically, we cannot do anything right. We often struggle to maintain friendship, especially with neurotypical people, who find our behavior grading.

There is always the saying among neurodiverse people: "We have best friends, but we are never anyone's best friend", because of this and because we often only have the emotional energy to maintain a few friendships at once.

There has been a study done a while ago and it found, that a typical child with ADHD would experience about 50 small rejections within each and every day. 50! 50 times that someone told them "You did this wrong" or "You are wrong". And in a lot of times the people giving these rejections do not think about it as much. But for the kid, it leaves an impression. Because they learn, they cannot do anything right.

Because of this, each rejection feels even more horrible to them. Even as an adult. Something that is not meant as a big slant against them, turns into it in their mind. Like, even a small criticism. Take one like this: "Tone it down." Because we often have problems regulating our voice. And just this small thing feels... horrible.

And, yeah... We struggle with this. It is a trauma response. Nothing else.

But if we bring it up to someone - for example, someone who keeps bringing out those small rejections - we are often depicted by them as self-centered and the like.

Ever since I learned about RSD, I have an easier time dealing with it. Because I can now gage that moment, where it kicks in and go in, telling my brain: "Hey, stop this crap, that is not what they meant and you know it". But... I also would fucking appreciate if neurotypical people had a bit more chill with us.

#adhd #autism #rejection sensitive dysphoria #disability #disability rights #neurodiversity

[creature-wizard]

can you do past life memory work on yourself? i know i have some baggage i desperately need to look into 😅

Listen. Listen to me. You do not have baggage from a "past life." You have unaddressed traumas and unmet emotional needs in this life. Put down the mysticism and start taking inventory of all the times in your life that you can remember when you felt dismissed, invalidated, excluded, or unwanted. Take inventory of all the times when you lost access to a person, place, or object that made you feel happy or safe. Take inventory of the times when you were forced into situations that made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or when trying to make friends or fit in never worked out for you. I promise you, there is something in this life that's messing you up; probably something that just didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but has done you more harm than you or anyone else knows.

Also, if you haven't done so already, please consider looking into autism and/or ADHD, because trying to exist as someone with autism and/or ADHD in a world built for neurotypical people is inherently traumatizing, and is very often the reason people have trauma they cannot seem to place!

#answered #trauma #past life #past lives

[writingseaslugs]

My Twisted Take: AU Information

Hello my lovelies, so I'm revamping this page as of 2023 with my requests going live! I write for Twisted Wonderland and have a small AU for it! It isn't anything totally game-changing, but it's how I interpret things! So please be kind and if you dislike what I'm writing, block me. I don't want hate of any kind; it's unkind.

So this is a proper College AU! When I began playing the game it took me maybe a month or two to find out that the characters weren't all college-aged. I saw them all as 18+, minus Ortho. The characters are from Japan and in Japan college age is 18, so it was a minor confusion. With that being said, I still see them as college-aged. So for this AU, they are all aged up by two years, making the first-year students all 18 years old.

If you dislike aging up characters, then please simply block this account and move on. I also write NSFW for these characters, so this is your warning. I don't tolerate hate in my inbox and I will simply block you.

In this AU, the Reader is dead in their world. Think of the Isekai trope where someone dies and goes to another world. The Reader is aware of this and therefore isn't looking for a way home. Crowley doesn't exactly listen to them when they explain this, and he is still actively looking for a way to send them home. This is an AU of a Reader who doesn't wish to go back to being a corpse.

The Reader is still the one who has to fix things for others. They are more active in doing this, unlike Yuu. They aren't a fly on the wall in this AU and their actions have changed how some characters view them.

Reader is stronger than normal. It's the only way I could think of how they haven't died yet with how proactive they are in all the overblots. My excuse is their world has higher gravity, therefore they are naturally stronger.

Reader is a strong and independent character. They aren't pushed around by Crowley and have some sass to them. They will snap back when need be.

Reader will always be written as Non-Binary, but not explicitly stated. I will be using they/them pronouns for all fics. If I write explicit content, I will have two separate versions for the two binary genders.

Reader has more Gen Z humor, since I have that humor. They're also more chaotic and ready to toss themselves into danger

Reader isn't a therapist. I have yet to meet someone my age or younger who doesn’t have at least one mental illness or trauma-related response to things. Therefore I don’t believe they exist. So the Reader isn’t equipped to deal with their own shit, let alone everyone else’s.

No Reader descriptions. No skin color, hair color, eye color, or anything will be mentioned for the reader. The most you might hear is “playing with hair” but as for the length or texture of said hair…who knows. So I do apologize if you are bald and read that and you’re no longer immersed. I am doing my best to be inclusive to everybody.

No mentions of mental illnesses. While it will be implied at times that the reader isn’t neurotypical, I will not be describing what type of things the reader has going on. Again, it’s to be inclusive. I simply cannot write completely neurotypical as that has never been me so I wouldn’t even know where to begin on that.

#twisted wonderland imagine #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland headcanons #twst headcanons #twisted wonderland au #twst au

[poelya]

okay, tumblr did the annoying thing and recommended me a post bitching about moon knight (such is the way of the tumblr's recommendation system), but it specifically highlighted the recently released deleted scene ("don't go there"), so I wanna talk about that a little bit.

I've seen a lot of hand-wringing about the deleted scene, a lot of "that's really insensitive"s, and a lot of "I'm glad that they deleted it" sentiments. I've even seen people go as far to say it's "out of character" of Layla (my, people love using that excuse a lot when characters act fully dimensional and make mistakes), so I wanna put my few cents in.

I think what people are misunderstanding is that it's purposely insensitive - and that narratively, the scene does not condone anything that Layla says about the system.

Moon Knight as a show is a lot of things, but one of the most primary things it is about, is systematic ableism. The System faces ableism in practically every aspect of their lives: Steven is put down repeatedly at work for being a blatantly unmasked autistic man, he loses his job because of his disability (been there myself). People are afraid of him (the lady in the lift) because he acts a bit 'weird', people think he's a silly drunk, Harrow as a villain very deliberately weaponizes disability - do you think it's a coincidence that his method of appearing benign and harmless is by pretending to be physically disabled, when he then turns around and utilizes the Lunar System's disability to discredit them during the trial?

All of these things, in my opinion, results in the climax that we get in Asylum. There's been plenty of metas for why the scales balanced once Steven had been frozen, and handwringing, when it seems fairly obvious to me that the scales balanced because Marc and Steven aren't meant to exist in the system placed by the gods, who have repeatedly been shown to be ableist (yes, even Tawaret, adhd icon that she might be). They cannot exist in an ableist system (herksnorts), so they reject it and choose each other. That's the story they're telling.

So what does this mean for the deleted scene?

Well, when you look at the show as a whole and how it repeatedly states that ableism is wrong, then I think it makes it very clear that what Layla is saying in this scene is also wrong and incorrect. The fact that it makes people uncomfortable, especially singlets it seems, is quite deliberate and intentional - because in many ways, I think Layla serves as a touchstone for the portion of the audience that are neurotypical/allistic/singlets (although Layla isn't necessarily neurotypical considering her obvious trauma re: her father's death, and I like the idea that she and the system are aut4aut, but for the sake of this meta we're going to view her through the lens of an allistic/singlet), and I think what is getting to a lot of people is the implication that they could be so heartless and cruel to someone they care about and love, if they're different from them and experience life differently.

Because, speaking as someone who is autistic and is a system, and whose coping mechanisms or lackthereof have resulted in my partners going on at least more than one occasion, "your spector is showing", it is very amusing to see how many people think that they would be so good and understanding with the system, when often they can't afford that same courtesy to the ones in their actual lives. So when their touchstone -- the one that seems to grasp things very easily within the actual framework of the show and largely handles the situation delicately and gets a 2-in-1 husbands deal (not counting Jake for the moment since we don't know his feelings for Layla yet) -- is shown to be getting it wrong, saying these outright ableist and frankly cruel things that deeply hurt Marc as a result -- it shatters the illusion that they're not complicit in an ableist society, and the violence that the Lunar System consistently faces, that they don't have preconceived notions about what plurality is like, what it means, or that they need to challenge those beliefs and their understanding of what it's like to exist as a neurodivergent person in an ableist, sanist society.

This scene doesn't hold its punches, just like the rest of the series doesn't. It shows another, incredibly accurate moment of the ableism that systems deal with every day of their lives - and I think even if you're not plural, then the scene can still ring true for you if you're neurodivergent, having to sit and listen to even some of the people closest to you, spout deeply harmful rhetoric that they don't even know they should be challenging. And it's no coincidence that it takes place immediately after the trial, or that it deliberately has Layla using the same out of date terminology that Harrows uses to discredit them -- the point IS that it's insensitive, the point is that Harrow CAN successfully turn people against the system, because these ableist notions are SO deeply engrained into society, that even Layla, our other protagonist and hero and Marc's wife, can share those same beliefs at the start of the series.

Moon Knight is a story about systematic ableism. It's about how ableism gets weaponized against disabled people, and specifically systems, all the time. It features the accurate day to day ableism that we face, and it makes sure to include that even the most well-intentioned people, can still be complicit in it and need to challenge those beliefs (and if you think that Tawaret and Layla are the only ones, the show also gets into internalized ableism - look no further than Steven's reaction to finding out about Marc, or Marc's intial reaction to being in the Duat, or the way that Harrow SUCCESSFULLY utilizes the harmful stereotype of an "evil alter" to drive a wedge between Steven and Marc until the Duat, which the show very meticulously deconstructs across the first season (which is why I am not particularly concerned about Jake tbh, they've done it before and if they keep the same crew as the first season, I feel like they'll do it again).)

But ultimately, I think it was wise for them to delete it, because I think this kind of discourse is exactly why they chose to. Although narratively it is framed as wrong and it shows that Marc is deeply hurt by the invasive and insensitive questions Layla hurls his way, there is always going to be the majority of people who think the story is trying to condone that behavior when it's not.

Because of that, I do believe it was the responsible decision to remove the scene, but personally I'm choosing to keep it as part of my personal canon. Why? Because it flows well with the rest of the series, better bridges the gap between Layla's confusion in episode 2 to how she handles the plurality in the latter half of episode 3/4, and...honestly I love what it does for Layla? Because the contrast of her in this scene versus her interactions with Steven, especially about them being a system, in the very next episode is staggering, and I love the tremendous amount of growth that it shows her go on - which not many people are willing to undergo. It, frankly, makes me love Layla more.

Now, I know that not everyone's gonna agree with me and my analysis of the show or this scene as a whole, and I'm not trying to change everyone's minds, I just want to throw another perspective into the ring - I'm sure even other systems will disagree with me! That's how experiences work, Moon Knight works for me as it exists, but it probably doesn't for everyone else (it probably helps that it works for me so well because it's the thing that introduced me to the conecept of being plural, even if it isn't - sort of - what made me realize I am). And I'm not even saying I didn't flinch hard at Layla's questions - I did.

But that's the point.

It's like Marc said, "this is my reality", and this is the reality that plurals face every day, it's the reality that any disabled person faces. And I find a lot of comfort in that it pulls no punches.

Because it's my reality, too.

#nym speaks #moon knight #i could have gotten into my Very Controversial Take but i think this is already probably a lot for people to swallow so

[rodentbrains]

one of the things fhr does so wonderfully, which i’ve rarely seen popular media deal with at all, much less well, is where the need for control can stem from. the version of it shown in fhr connects so deeply to my experience as a autistic person.

control isnt shown to come from an almost giddy desire to have other people under your thumb, but complete and utter fear and panic. the kind that feels like your life is deeply in danger because you do not know how people will react and what they will do. thats the crux of it, their autonomy means that they are completely out of your control and therefore can leave in you in a state that is unsurvivable to you! in this sense, the fantasy of telepathy, the idea that i can make sure i will survive my encounters is so tempting. something like that would make me able to live more, make me feel like a real person. which i never feel like (much like sidestep.)

its obviously very immoral, but the desire driven by fear is sympthetic. the intensity of this experience is perfectly enhanced with sidesteps reality as ‘non-human’ and the very real physical danger they face due to their illegal existence. their fear of literal torture and death echos my emotional experience of stepping out into society and i say this without exeggaration. you also get to see ortega react to it. someone who loves sidestep doesnt necessarily understand them by the virtue of that love. the same way a lot of neurotypical people cannot understand autistic experience, and there is something so comforting about seeing that. about seeing a character, who obviously does have a deeply distorted sense of reality, but is still correct in their understanding of aspects of that reality!

sidesteps fear of the farm is incredibly legitimate, despite it being something that a lot of characters in the story do not understand. many of them have the initial reaction that sidestep is exaggerating, but they are aren’t. its a reminder that there are also incredibly real aspects to my fears. that autism isnt just a distortion. when sidestep breaks down and shows the overwhelming terror they experience over not being able to read/control ortegas mind, they are horrified. naturally. it is horrifying considering the abilities sidestep possess, im not understating that. its however also clear to us, the audience, that this need comes from being petrified. from not knowing any other way to stay safe, stay human. the fear of losing autonomy they fought for so hard is another element of all of this, and unsurprisingly, being robbed of autonomy is a common autistic fear too. but thats a whole other post

#i lost my mind over the autism sidestep parallels at 1am again dont mind me #fhr #sidestep

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hey 👋

I’ve been thinking for a while about the potential of me having autism or Asperger’s—

But I’m having the awkward feeling that I’m wrong, and I’m only saying it because I want to be part of it.

stupid, I know.

Im trying not to contradict myself to claim that I have something like this— And k feel like if I do have it, people would be dissatisfied and expect higher things.

…yeah.

Hi there,

It sounds like you are dealing with something called imposter syndrome.

I found an article talking about it.

Why do we have autistic impostor syndrome?

1. We spend our whole lives adapting to what people think we should be. We are human chameleons. In essence, we are empathic metamorphs (a being from an episode entitled The Perfect Mate, from Star Trek: Next Generation), a being that can sense what people around her desire and react accordingly. It is telling that at age 22, I identified heavily with this character. An often misunderstood trait of autism is internal empathic accuracy. This means we make superb social psychologists or are astute in predicting another person’s thoughts and feelings. We are agile in these insights because of our pattern recognition. When we find out we have the traits of autism, we then wonder if this is just another one of our adaptations.

2. We are lateral thinkers. Our superior lateral abilities generate multiple relevant possibilities for any problem. So we hypothesize what we might actually be and come up with many alternatives. Even if autism perfectly describes us, we may still have doubts because some of our behaviors can be attributed to other conditions.

3. Medical professionals do not recognize adult autism, especially late-diagnosed adult autism. Many people I assess describe being turned away by assessors, mocked by health care practitioners when they propose the possibility of autism. There is an acute absence of understanding that our preferred job choices tend to be actors, healthcare workers.

4. Some conditions often co-occur with autism, such as ADHD and alexithymia. This can cause confusion and feelings of being an impostor post-diagnosis since we may not neatly fit the description of autism. Quite possibly, it’s more than just autism that will comprehensively account for our behaviours and feelings. Until we find out what that is, we can still have doubts about our diagnosis.

5. We don’t fit the stereotypes. Sheldon Cooper, Spock, and The Good Doctor are popular TV characters that have greatly influenced the public perception of autism. Yet we often don’t fit these stereotypes. I identified with Deanna Troi, an empath from Star Trek, more than anyone else. Her job was to inform the captain of what other people were feeling and predicting their actions. Research shows that we excel at that. Yet most people will choose Spock—not Deanna Troi—as the most likely autistic on Star Trek.

6. With 90% of funding and websites focusing on autism in children, people do not know our traits. We are not children. People don’t understand how we make it to adulthood without being identified. I can tell you. We act and simulate neurotypical behaviour. We learn from the looks on people’s faces, and we alter our behaviour.

7. Our loved ones tell us that we cannot be autistic. In my journey of processing and understanding, I failed to understand that everyone close to me was also reevaluating their perceptions. They, too, were going back in time and having similar revelations. While we often turn to our loved ones for validation, this is an impossible thing to ask of them. More beneficial is to talk to other autistics or an autistic therapist.

8. Until recently, autistic females without an intellectual disability were often misdiagnosed or overlooked. Irrespective of gender, autistic people without high support needs or who otherwise defy the public or even clinical perception of autism are frequently misdiagnosed. It can obviously create a lot of doubt when medical professionals you assume understand these conditions, tell you that you are something you are not.

The full article will be below:

I hope this helps. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

[octisticsopinions]

In order to ask "is Autism a disability", we need to re-examine how we think about disability.

I see a lot of Autistics saying "autism is not a disability because it's not inherently debilitating" or "autism is a disability because it is inherently debilitating" and I think this kind of logic fails to see the bigger picture.

Disability is not an objective scientific group. It's a group of people who have been failed by society. I don't want to get into the specifics of the social model of disability right now, but basically, "disabled" is a group like "queer"- it's a description of a group of people who are excluded.

People who say "autism is not a disability because it's not bad" I agree with partially, I don't think there is anything about being Autistic that makes it "bad" other than the fact that we are failed by the world around us. But being failed by the world around us is the only thing disabled people have in common. I understand not wanting to call yourself "disabled" because non-disabled and neurotypical people might misunderstand and stigmatise autism, but I believe we cannot let the ignorance of non disabled people police our language. If a non-disabled person thinks disability is bad, it's not our responsibility to tailor our identities to fit that.

People who say "autism is a disability because it is inherently bad" have some good points too- we should not be stigmatising the term disability, and I think a lot of them are trying to call out ableism within disabled people. However, a lot of them see any effort to talk about autism as being only a disability under a specific societal context think we (Autistics who are talking about the social model of disability) are saying Autistic people face no hardship either from our being Autistic or from society, which some people are saying, and they are wrong, but we aren't.

The idea that Autism is inherently debilitating because "Autistics have to deal with x bad thing" relies on 3 assumptions:

What allistic people are capable of is what all humans are supposed to be capable of.

What allistic people aren't capable of is completely normal.

There is no possible world in which Autistic needs could be cared for by default, and therefore made not debilitating.

As much as many of these people are doing amazing work in de-stigmatising disability, this way of thinking about Autism treats allism as the "default" and "normal" way of being, and reinforces the idea that the systemic oppression Autistics face is the result of our own condition.

In conclusion, whether or not Autism is "inherently debilitating" doesn't really matter, because the main source of the oppression we face is outside forces. No matter what, we can never let allistics explain away our oppression by claiming it is an inevitable result of our condition/disability.

#disabled #ableism #actually autistic #autistic #mentally disabled #autism #disabilties #feminist #mentally disabled pride #neurodiverse stuff #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

[manifestingkai]

Discipline in Manifesting as a neurodivergent (ND) person

A common element of manifesting discourse (at least on twitter, as I’m still new to tumblr’s law of assumption community) is that a lot of manifestation comes down to discipline rather than motivation. It’s much easier for us to persist when we are in a good, healthy, headspace rather than when we are unwell. That’s where discipline comes in, but discipline can feel like Mount Everest when you’re also managing mental health stuff. To some that may sound like an excuse, but I promise that myself and anyone else who is ND will tell you that is not the case. It’s the reality. Your idea of discipline and mine are different. To someone who is neurotypical, it’s as simple as forcing yourself to do it even when you don’t want to. For others, it can be dealing with a multitude of constrictions/limitations/challenges that are invisible that you cannot see. That doesn’t make our persistence any less valid. We exist here too.

I can only speak from my own experiences and what helps me may be different for you, but I will share the tips I’ve learned through my journey with LOA as a neurodivergent person:

I believe in giving myself as much grace and patience as I can when manifesting and the act of being gentle has changed the trajectory of my journey with loa and my life tenfold.

For me, discipline is allowing myself to have bad days and either observing or feeling those feelings/thoughts while reminding myself they will pass. Not fighting every single bad thought (because for me that just created more). Self soothing has been a huge tool for me.

Reminding myself that I am doing everything right because I am, we all are. We assign meanings to everything. How we feel in moments has no bearing on how we’re doing at manifesting or practicing the law imo. You’re human and you are valid.

It’s also allowing the breaks and the space to breathe and fall apart. Because at the end of that you get back up and do your best anyways. Do you know how brave that is? Do you know how incredibly courageous it is to have faith and trust in what we can’t see? It’s incredible.

Discipline to me is continuing to persist after a spiral or a breakdown or a bad episode. It’s believe we’re deserving and worthy of what we desire and continuing to fight for ourselves. It’s having a bad week and affirming through tears and questioning but continuing anyways.

I say all this to say that our journeys are different and to not let anyone else’s experience taint how far you’ve come or how much you’ve grown. You’re doing everything right. You’re going to have it all. Your mental health is valid, your experience is valid.

Source: my thread on twitter

#kai rambles #lawofassumption #law of assumption #neurodivergent #neurodivergent manifesting #persisting #affirmation #affirm and persist

[bambiraptorx]

Okay, my long overdue infodump about yokai medicine/painkillers is here. Just as a heads up, there will be discussion of and reference to a variety of drugs, drug use, and addiction.

There are three main forms of treatment used to deal with pain: pharmaceutical drugs similar or identical to the ones used by humans, potions, and spells. For now, I'll focus on pharmaceutical type medications.

So, to begin, I do need to address the fact that the yokai population has an immense level of biodiversity, from skeletons to insects to dragons. This means that the use of medicine is probably incredibly complicated, as a given substance can has wildly different effects on different species--not to mention that even within a species a compound can have different results (see: stimulants and how they have drastically different effects for people with ADHD than for neurotypicals).

Add to that the fact that we also see a large variety of sizes for different yokai, from Exploding Frankie (maybe a foot tall) to the colossal building-sized creatures we see walking around int he first episode of the show, and you've got a very complex problem. (Size is relevant in figuring out dosages because drugs often have different effects at different doses, but also because larger people tend to need more to have an effect in the first place. A dose that would kill a mouse probably wouldn't kill a 6 foot tall man, for example, but depending on the exact drug it might still mess him up a lot.)

This means that it would be very difficult to, if not impossible, to properly categorize a chemical based on its effects. Sure, they know Adderall works as a stimulant and opiates are painkillers for humans, but how does that translate to a slime yokai who doesn't even have a nervous system? How do you effectively (and ethically) figure that out when the population of slime yokai is extremely limited? In all honesty, you probably don't.

(As a side note, it's fairly important that for the drugs humans use, they go through large amounts of animals trials before ever being tested on people to a) make sure the drug actually has the effect it's meant to, b) figure out what potential side effects might crop up, and c) find out what a lethal dose is. That's because we can reasonably compare the reactions of animals to what we might see in a human body. For large amounts of the yokai population, that comparison probably does not work.)

So yokai can, in dire circumstances, use substances that humans would (as painkillers, sedatives, etc) but it would be very difficult to know what dosages are safe for a given species, if any are. This would also mean that the Hidden City probably has a very different approach to drug education: less "ooh these drugs are evil and you'll get addicted immediately if you ever try them" and more "just because meth acts as a stimulant for humans doesn't mean it can't kill you at half the dose it takes them to even get an effect so be fucking careful".

I would imagine that drug regulation works very differently in the Hidden City out of necessity. After all, you can't even reliably say what effects a given chemical has, let alone recommend a dose for people to use. In a lot of cases, the best that the HC can do is probably enforce purity standards and proper labeling of products so that at the very least, people know what chemical they're actually getting and how much of it.

Which of course means that their legal system is entirely different when it comes to drug related crimes, because the use/possession of drugs is something that cannot effectively be criminalized when a pill that would cause an overdose in one person would act as a mild cough suppressant in another. (That and the whole idea behind making drugs illegal in the first place is to prevent addiction by making access harder, which... is a bit of a weird premise in the first place? but that's a whole other rant. Yes, use declines somewhat when the drug is made illegal, but it also makes it much harder for addicts to get the treatment they need when drug use is criminalized.)

Given the length of this post I think I'll cut it off here and edit with links when I get the other topics covered lmao.

Part 2 Part 3

#rottmnt #tw drugs #tw drugs mention #minor interference au #minor interference lore #bambi's rambling #this post brought to you by the fact that i'm a psych major and addiction psychology is my favorite class this semester lmao #also it's entirely possible that this post isn't fully accurate for how drugs work/are tested irl so like. don't quote me on this #i'm just pretending to know what i'm talking about

[vnillacone]

Sometimes I wish that when I talked to neurotypicals about my ADHD they’d actually listen to me for one fucking second. I swear to god it’s like talking to a brick wall that repeats the same useless platitudes over and over again. No matter how I try to explain that I cannot do something the only response I receive is “well if you keep telling yourself that then that’s what’s going to happen. You need to think positively!” as if having years of experience dealing with my disability doesn’t allow me to accurately assess my situation and understand that this is something that has happened before and will happen again and every time this has happened before it went like this so it’s probably going to go like this now. Idk sometimes it just feels like getting NTs to understand how to help me is a sisyphean task.

#v talks #actually adhd #vent

[malicious-vampire]

(Since Tumblr decided to make it impossible to edit an ask that's been saved as a draft, I'm forced to cite it here)

@schizocadaver asked:

"I'll place this as an ask rather than just going straight into messaging you as it feels most correct to me. I've been suspecting for a while that I might have szpd and possibly npd so I was wondering if you might be able to share on your experience of having both and what that's like"

Hello and thanks for the ask! This is a lot since these PDs affect my whole life in various aspects, so I'll try to break it down to the most obvious things, or those that I deem most important. NPD and SZPD complement one another quite well, though there are also some huge difficulties.

For a start, I take incredible pride in my solitude. I prefer spending my time alone and turn to activities I can do on my own, because I hold the core belief that most other people are beneath me and not worth my time or energy. It's also a lot easier to feel godlike and untouchable when you're not perveived by anyone other than yourself - which can also become a problem once I go outside and have to deal with the fact that I can make mistakes and that other people will take notice of that.

I'm a misanthrope and I don't trust anyone. While I do have a few close friends who I care about, I cannot spend more than a few hours at once with them or I'll get annoyed by their presence. Strangers usually disgust me, so it's hard to make any new acquaintances. I do have a perfect pokerface and though people always describe me as friendly and empathetic, I can't form any real emotional connections to anyone. It's like a thin veil or a pane of glass between me and others. Because of that, I never share much about myself. I hate intimacy, both physically and psychologically. Even my closest friends who I've known for years only know me on a surface-level, and sometimes it feels lonely to have no one who truly sees me. It's bittersweet.

On the upside, I can get along really well on my own. I don't want to be around people all the time and I have enough hobbies to keep myself busy and productive without having to rely on anyone else. On the downside, I quickly get bored. Humans require at least a little bit of socializing to function properly, so it's impossible to be truly alone and happy all the time. Therefore I occasionally get a sudden and brief craving for attention, which is difficult to get in that moment when one spends most of their time alone. Then I turn to reckless (sometimes self-harming) behavior or I start spiraling and drown in self-pity, which leads to more isolation and more depression (narc crash). I'm currently working against that by trying to establish a schedule where I get to meet my friends 0.5-1x a week to have enough outside-supply but still primarily inside-supply (e.g. making art and music, studying and turning to other solitary activities).

Part of the reason why social encounters are so exhausting for me is that I mask heavily, even around my family. I intentionally crafted my mask to fit every situation I'm in and I constantly try to adjust it by observing other people's behaviors and matching my emotional reactions (I've heard people describe my personality and it differed a lot depending on the social group, and often wasn't even close to who I actually am). So at least half of my daily energy is wasted on performance.

Additionally, my most present emotions are anger and hate. Since I think very highly of myself, I get offended easily and rarely forgive anyone. This includes myself - if I make a mistake or fail at something, it feels like my chest is about to burst from rage, and it's difficult to calm down. I've been fantasizing about torturing and murdering people on a daily basis for years, partly as an outlet for anger and partly just for fun.

I automatically hide most of my emotions to the point where I'm unable to express happiness or surprise the way neurotypicals do. In general, I rather enjoy thinking rationally and despise emotional reactions as they never really help solving a problem. I may seem cold and apathetic when unmasked, and I often get confused trying to identify my own emotions.

That's all I could think of for now. Spending a lot of time alone gave me the chance to do a great amount of self-reflection, which isn't always nice as I tend to overanalyse everything, but it helps to get a better understanding of myself and my relationship to others.

I hope this small insight helps - Let me know if something's not clear or if you have any other follow-up questions!

#ask #schizoid #szpd #npd #actually npd #schizoid personality disorder #narcissistic personality disorder

[valiant-if]

tldr; I wanted to have something to show for the work I've been doing roughly by the end of April, but my timeline is going to be delayed. I'll still do my best to get some work done, but things are hard right now. You've stuck with me this long, so I hope you continue to stick with me. Hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there!

I'm not trying to go too much into my personal life, but the long version—with a bit of venting—is that I'm having a lot of car trouble, and that has unfortunately been a domino effect for one of the worst mental episodes I've had in maybe 7 years. I don't make a lot of money, I can barely afford the cost of a rental let alone the repairs for my car, which I need to do my job, and quite frankly the people in my life that I rely on for support are not being very supportive of the situation. There's a lot of "your decision to procrastinate on important issues is the reason you are in this position" and a lot of indirect "you made your bed, now sleep in it" going around.

Executive dysfunction is really an alien concept to a lot of people, I guess. As if I've just been sitting around thinking, "Someone else will deal with the fallout of this issue when it blows up in my face." Instead of, you know, having daily anxiety attacks about it for the last 6 months but unsure how to solve the problem because my brain refuses to function on certain things.

The hard truth is that when you are neurodivergent, neurotypical people cannot seem to understand the mental hurdles you have to take just to make it through basic day-to-day life. A lot of people describe mental health struggles as drowning, but I think it feels a lot more like someone deliberately holding you under water and not letting you up. "Normal" society is not really designed for people like us to function, and, at least in the USA, the economic situation of people living below the poverty line (of which I am one) is designed to keep you below the poverty line. These problems combined are creating one hell of a storm for me right now, and even existing is difficult.

So I'm going to try to keep writing when I can, but unfortunately I've lost a lot of the momentum that I've had over the last few weeks. I don't know if my original timeline of getting the first half of Chapter 2 done by the end of April is possible in my current state. I may just update with whatever I have at that time anyway so at least you'll have something.

That's the long of it. Thanks for hearing me out and listening to my bitching. As always, I hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there.

#tw mental health #non writing #just a small update on the state of things

[camp-counselor-life]

Ok, so I had an anxiety attack last night on a date and I'm trying to parse out what happened and my mental state. Is anxiety often irrational? Yes, and this definitely was. But also I feel like this would give neurotypical people anxiety, so justified? IDK.

TW: ableism

So here goes. The gal I am dating invited me to a gymnastics meet. Now, I love gymnastics (our shared university has an excellent team) and haven't been to a meet in eons, so I agreed. Did not think it through, just said yes. In the back of my brain, I knew there could be some issues, but dammit, let's just stuff those down and pretend.

I show up at her apartment nearly 10 minutes earlier than we agreed. She informs me that she thinks they have a clear bag policy (at all times, I carry a large black purse with all the stuff in it). We look and it says you can bring a purse. So cool, we will see if they'll let it in.

Now we're driving and there's traffic (the team is a big deal). And we're struggling to find a place to park (I had suggested we take the train bc that's how much I hate traffic and parking). We park somewhere that I am not 100% sure is allowed, but we're like 99.5% sure. This fact will come back later.

We get to the door. The man informs me my purse is too big. In a moment of panic, where I am about to be separated from my meds and inhaler, I inform him that it's got medical equipment in it, something my date does not know and this of course reveals that I have some sort of disability where I cannot be separated from the contents of my purse. He gives me a special tag and I get to take my bag in.

At this point, my date (who is aware I am autistic but nothing else) could be thinking one of two things: I have lied because I want to bring my purse in or I have some sort of shameful medical condition bad enough to require a purse-full of items I didn't tell her about. Both run through my head along with the thought of "I am going to hell, did I just lie to bring in my purse?" and it's not a lie, I do need to drag that stuff around, but also I probably could have made it 2.5 hours without it. I also decided that this would be a good way to phrase my discomfort to several friends, all of whom were like what?

We sit down and at this point I am so anxious and uncomfortable and ashamed that I barely talk the entire meet. It is also extremely loud, crowded, and the guy behind me is wearing strong cologne. We make small talk and hold hands, which I think was fine.

In the fourth (and final) session of the meet, probably almost 1.5 hours in, I have finally calmed down enough to enjoy myself. The shame is still there, and I don't know how to fully explain this to people, so I'm writing about it on tumblr for y'all to ignore.

So, what does this mean? I am probably not as "at peace" with my disabilities as I thought. The shame is real and strong and I feel like I could have had so much better of an experience if I had just done something differently. It's my fault.

And then I had a nightmare about the stadium last night, so that was like the cherry on top.