#i am not accepting any kind of criticism on this: seek therapy if you do this shit - yikes

[grilledcheese-aspiration]

charging for wcifs:

its just tumblr its just the sims its just cc

find a different, more realistic means of income via the internet.

charging for wcifs is completely unnecessary and asinine.

#cc discourse #delete later #sometimes i hate it here #yall will really nickel and dime other simmers huh? #just like EA lmao yall are just as whack #i am not accepting any kind of criticism on this: seek therapy if you do this shit - yikes

[tumblingxelian]

Wednesday Fanfic Concept - Mothers

Summary:

When Enid slipped away from her mother and the horrifying thought of Conversion Therapy she did not expect to stumble on a conversation between Bianca and her own mother, let alone one so terrifying.

Bianca did not expect to spend Parents day trying to escape her mothers grasp. Let alone trying to do so in the Nightshades catacombs with Enid Sinclair at her side.

With any luck their mothers will kill each other or give up the search, but then, when have they ever been lucky?

Concept:

Sort of brief, more of an episode divergence, but I feel there is so much potential for a Enid Bianca team up during parents day.

Like, even within the context of the show and it works narratively and thematically!

In one side of the story you have:

Wednesday and Morticia overcoming the distance between them to reveal the truth of crimes past and free Gomez.

Meanwhile, unaware of all this, Enid & Bianca are hiding from their mothers who team up to hunt them them down.

Esther: I am sure your Childs rebelliousness will pass, but I envy you a child of such talent and power. I once thought Enid showed such potential but she lacks the will to find it.

Gabrielle: You are too kind my dear, but I must confess some of my own envy. For its clear despite her weakness and fear, Enid adores you in a way Bianca never could I.

Esther: The Grass is always greener on the other side I suppose.

In the middle of the episode, Esther and Gabrielle encounter Morticia in the Nightshaders library and have a veiled & tense stand off where Morticia.

Gabrielle: Ah, our apologies dear, we were simply seeking our missing daughters, I am sure you understand.

Morticia: If my daughter desired to go missing rather than speak with me, I'd accept that rather than force my presence on her.

Esther: Given the rumors swirling about her, that sounds more like an excuse for negligence than anything else.

One can feel the air growing tense, twisted, writhing shadows stretch across the walls showing hints of the women's true nature as the three stare each other down. Perhaps here seconds away from striking.

Wednesday: Mother, I did not expect to find you down here.

Morticia: (Smirking) I knew you would seek me out, when you were ready.

Gabrielle & Esther roll their eyes and leave.

Enid & Bianca cobble together a desperate plan, Perhaps after a rendition of a particular song, or at least a fencing match. The song may come at the end of the story too or elsewhere.

They used Bianca's song to force Enid into a partially transformed state and try to isolate Gabrielle to try and... Convince her to leave well enough alone.

Esther is quick to place an arm between the Siren and their children it morphing into a full developed Lycan arm even while her body remains otherwise the same as Gabrielle leans on it and smirks playfully,

Esther: Now, now Enid, that is no way to treat our fellows is it?

Gabrielle: You see dear, you inherited your swift social skills from me.

Bianca & Enid glance at one another before Bianca concedes.

Bianca: We would like to offer you two a deal.

Gabriele: Your bargaining position is rather dubious dear.

Esther: But I can't deny the boldness, let's hear them out.

The deal outlined lets them both runout at the year at Nevemore.

If Enid has not wolfed out she will go the conversion camp and Bianca will return to the cult regardless but ask permission to return to Nevermore to finish her education, but return whenever she is called.

Enid (Snarling) It isn't at though you need Bianca's song to make your critics go quiet, not with my mother on your side.

Esther: I am pleased to see the instincts of a hunter are not lost on you Enid.

Gabrielle: I would ask you to remember, we Sirens are as much hunters of men as Lycan.

Bianca: Then you can keep things under control, until I return, and give you everything you ask of me.

Ultimately the parents concede, though its shown they exchange info before parting ways. Also Lycan are semi-immune to Sirens song thanks to their brains morphic physiology.

At the end of the episode, Morticia respects Wednesday's boundaries but Wednesday also takes a step towards showing her affection.

Meanwhile after confronting their mothers, Enid & Bianca gets hugs that clearly distress them or that they obviously don't want.

Cue all three meeting up at the end of the day and:

Enid: I heard you had a crazy day"

Wednesday: It was, but before that, my mother asked after both of you, and whether you would be fairing well?

Bianca:... We got ourselves some time.

Their hope is to find a solution to Enid's transformation and Bianca's situation before the year is out.

Also, I know what canon Esther looked like but I swear, this version lives rent free in my head in any version she serves as a villain. or important figure:

The potential for toxic Yuri with her and Gabrielle it soo good to pass up.

Low key has me imagining a different AU:

Summary:

Wit the passing of her mate, Esther Sinclair was introduced to Morning Song. Suffice to say she never expected to find a kindred spirit in the 'communities' mistress.

Gabrielle had never been one to believe in things like love, but maybe she had just never met anyone of a mind to her enough but still distinct enough to share herself with.

Neither Enid or Bianca are having a good time.

I have no idea where this story would g, but I low key love the idea of Esther once having been a big deal and still having a lot of potential and fairly anti human politics.

& her finding an alliance in Gabrielle who is extremely predatory and powerful in her own right but who needs muscle/deniable agents to keep her little cult running.

With the pair rather liking the prospect of pairing Enid & Bianca up post Enid's wolf out. Or in the above case, they are busy engaging in toxic Yuri and ambitious schemes and their daughters are just having a bad time.

Not sure on Enid's brothers.

#Wednesday #wednesday netflix #wednesday addams #enid sinclair #bianca barclay #Esther Sinclair #Gabrielle Jane #Gabrielle Barclay #Enid x Bianca #Enid/Bianca #Mama Trauma (Wednesday)

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, hope you're doing well <3

vent, also seeking advice // so, i've been doing a lot of self reflection and i've come to a few conclusions:

• i self-victimise a lot. i direct blame onto others or circumstances, i minimise or tweak details, i claim to take accountability without meaning to just to appease the other person, and i tend to talk in a way to garner sympathy from others and make myself look the victim. in these circumstances, my thought processes are usually “i don't want to make them mad, i'm afraid how they'll respond if they're mad,” (genuine concern) or “i can't be bothered.” (apathy, laziness)

• i vilainise other people and assume the worst of them. (for example, if someone is disappointed in something i did, i assume that they hate me and will never believe in my potential again).

• i villainise myself a lot. when i make a mistake, i think “i'm the worst person ever” which in turn leads me to victimise myself.

• i am very avoidant; towards responsibilities, towards conflict, towards anything that i perceive uncomfortable or threatening to my comfort zone.

• because i stay in my comfort zone a lot, i am not growing as a person. in fact, i think i'm going in the opposite direction.

do you have any advice for me on how i can accept criticism without taking it as a personal attack? whenever i try to do something productive to combat my bad habits, i also take it as a threat. i see change of any sorts as a threat. anything that will get me out of my comfort zone is a threat.

i also think that i need to work on my forgiveness and my empathy. i think i've been too self-absorbed.

i'm sorry, this became too long and rambly. just in short; my self-victimisation tendencies have made it hard for me to perceive my reality accurately, and i'm very scared that if i don't correct this soon, i'm going to be an emotionally immature and hurtful person. i want to be selfless, kind, genuine, hardworking, trustworthy, honest, responsible; i don't want to hurt my loved ones any further.

thank you for reading so far. even if you don't have any advice for me, that's okay, i will appreciate even your insight.

If therapy is an option, that's the best place to start working on these destructive patterns in your behavior. A professional will be able to guide you through that process in a way some rando on tumblr would never be able to. And these are likely deep rooted issues - so there is zero shame in not being able to fix them on your own

#chat with kat

[not-enough-teeth-and-treasures]

An Autistic’s Perspective on Tears of Themis’ Representation (spoiler alert: it’s bad)

Before you read, I should warn you that there will be spoilers for Chapter Five! Read at your own risk. Also, trigger warning for discussions of ableism and harmful disablility stereotypes. I get pretty heated as well, so if you’re not a fan of swearing and stuff, then it might be best to skip this.

So, I was debating whether or not I wanted to talk about this, mostly because this game doesn’t do anything new in regards to the perception of autism in media. Unfortunately, it ends up leaning into a lot of not great tropes and goes into “what the fuck that’s incredibly offensive territory” waaay to quickly. So here I am.

The most prevelant character with autism (or who we start out thinking has autism. Don’t worry, I’ll get to that) is a small, supergenius child (a boy as well *sigh*) is so overdone at this point that there aren’t many new criticisms I can say. The stereotype of autism presented in media is overwhelmingly extremely intelligent (usually with sciency or math based interests) men with no ability to socialize or be kind to others. This not only paints autism as a disability that effects men primarily (which creates intense stigma around AFAB autistic people and makes it harder for us to get diagnosed or believed), but also creates this expectation of greatness. Autistic people are often held to superhuman standards, which further others and dehumanizes us in the eyes of allistic people. The vast majority of autistic people are not savants, and that it perfectly fine.

But all of this is pretty standard. The red flags started popping up when it was revealed that the autistic kid, Hugh, doesn’t actually have autism and is faking it in order to keep people from asking hard questions about him or trying to pry into his life (which is full of secrets). I’m definitely not a fan of perpetuating the idea that people fake diabilities in order to manipulate people, so this plot twist was not my favorite. However, it wasn’t really enough to inspire me to write a whole ass essay about the representation. And then I got to the fucking text conversation with Vyn.

Here is where I’m gonna put a trigger warning for talk about eugenics, curing autism, ableism, and basically just a fuck ton of awful shit. Fuck, this makes me so mad.

So, I went in and took screenshots of both options just to see, and all of them lead to terrible bullshit. Lets start out pretty light with the MC and Vyn discussing symptoms.

This is a pretty limited and honestly incomplete explanation of autistic behaviors. These can definitely be symptoms, but they’re heavily overcovered and really basic. A lot of autistic people don’t have these symptoms, and it would be really nice if more media branched out and covered more of the spectrum. However, considering they don’t do anything different in any other areas, I’m not surprised.

Also not a fan of Vyn’s use of “abnormal.” It has some very negative connotations and is a bit insulting, honestly. These behaviors are perfectly “normal;” they’re just not as accepted by neurotypical people. Plus, no behaviors can really be labeled as normal because humans are complex and different.

That was the easy shit. Let’s get into the truly awful garbage.

This is treading into ABA territory here. For those of you who are unaware, ABA is pushed as the best autistic therapy, but a large majority of autistic adults consider it to be abusive and unhelpful. This is mainly because it seeks to “correct” many behaviors that are helpful for autistic people. It seeks to surpress stims (which are behaviors that improve the mental health of autistic children), force us to talk (as opposed to letting us use sign language and technology), and more. This harms our mental health and makes us ashamed of who we are. These behaviors do not need to be “corrected.” We don’t need to act “normally.” All this therapy does is make us more palitable for neurotypical people, and it’s bullshit.

It also doesn’t help that ABA was pioneered by Ivar Lovaas, a man who did not believe autistic people were human. He developed ABA as a way to “build a person” using harsh punishments such as withholding affection and ELECTRIC SHOCKS. If you think this is a think of the past, you’d be wrong. Electric shocks are still being used to harm disabled people. Look up the hashtag #StopTheShock to learn more and help push for legislation that bans this practice.

Oh, and did I mention Ivar Lovaas also inspired gay conversion therapy? Because he did! So yeah, fuck ABA and fuck Vyn for performing it (god damn it, Vyn, I liked you a lot).

And now, onto the eugenics. Fuck my life.

FUCK! THIS! BULLSHIT!

I am so tired of autism being treated as this horrific disease that needs a cure. I had a perfectly fine childhood. Yes, it was hard at times, yes I got traumatized, but a large part of that was due to ableism and abuse from teachers and peers. A large reason why autistic people suffer is because the world is not built for us, and we are often denied accommodations that would make our lives better.

It is beyond offensive and disgusting to suggest that we would be better off not existing than “suffering so much” because of autism. Because that is what this game and everyone else who thinks there should be a cure is suggesting. There is no me without autism. it literally affects my brain structure. You are wishing for a completely different person when you tell me that autism should be cured.

Now, I’m not going to get into the horrible consent issues that arise from talks about a cure, including genetic editing, fear mongering to parents so they think abortion is the only option, and straight up Nazi style eugenics. I do not have the spoons to delve into that exhausting discussion. But if you want to know more, then there are so many incredible autistic people who have written blogs, Twitter threads, and more about why a cure is a terrible idea.

Oh, and if you’re going to come at me with the “severely autistic people should be cured” bullshit, don’t bother. There is no such thing as “severe” autism, first of all, and second, non verbal autistic people (which are who people think of when they talk about “severe” autism), largely don’t want a cure. There have been so many surveys of tens of thousands of autistic people, and the result is that the overwhelming majority do not want to be cured. We want support and proper accommodations. Listen to us.

So, in conclusion, fuck this text conversation and it’s ableist and offensive bullshit. I really wish ToT had stayed away from autism, or at the very least did not touch on therapy or a possible cure. For a game that is about genetic experimentation on children and how bad that is, it sure peddles a lot of eugenics.

Fuck, this text conversation actually made me ill and I hate that. I’m so done with constantly trying to prove to the world that I am a human being who deserves to exist. I’m gonna go cuddle my service dog now.

#tears of themis #vyn richter #autism #autistic perspective #autism representation #seriously can we stop treating my disability like a disease? Is that so fucking hard? #i don't need a cure #i deserve to exist #aba is abuse #autistic people deserve to exist #hugh tears of themis #tot #tot vyn #god damn it vyn I simped for you

[cavehags]

i realize this will probably bring up old drama so you might not want to answer it. but do you ever regret, however on purpose or on accident, bringing all that unnecesary hate towards Katara? i'm really sad and dissapointed tbh. i'm a woman of color and katara was so important to me growing up. my favorite animated woman ever. and then this resurgence comes and theres so, so much unnecesary hatred for her and everyone ignoring everything that makes her a good character.

(2/3) 2- and you know, i expected this from the male side of the fandom. they were misogynistic to her and the others even back then so i would expect it to be even worse with how internet culture is more mysogistic now that ever. and i wasnt wrong. male atla fans had some truly horrible takes and views that just came across as racism and misogyny. but, i expected these circles to be better. to be a safe space for us woc who love this character. but i found the same weird hatred for her.

(3/3) 3-i just, i cant believe i feel less welcome now that i did even back then. and back then i didnt even paricipate really. but at least i could enjoy fandom content without stumbling into misogyny and racism every other post. also sorry for sending this to your personal blog b i just wanted to let you know you controbuted to that too even if it wasnt your intention. at least you realized that and arent contributing to it anymore right? cause honestly the hate has only gotten worse not less.

hey anon. thanks for asking this question, because i hadn’t addressed this topic previously and this gave me an opportunity to do so. 

no, i don’t regret publicly interpreting a character whom i love through a nuanced and human lens. and i don’t regret combating the one-dimensional interpretation of this character, which posits that she’s merely an vaguely defined object of attraction for some boy or another, and a singularly gentle, mature, maternal figure whose sole purpose in life is to nurture others. those interpretations suck. they rob her of the humanity and complexity that make her character unique and they stem from misogynistic tropes that reduce women to the services they can provide to men. the thing in the world that matters most to me is fighting misogyny, and this trend to diminish a proud and powerful and angry teenage girl by exaggerating only her most socially acceptable traits is misogyny. 

unlike you, i did not grow up watching avatar: the last airbender. the shows i watched growing up did not have a lot of girls who felt real to me. the girls i saw on tv growing up were simple. they were the main characters’ crushes. they were simple, desirable, usually sweet and loving, and not much else. if they had a flaw, it was that they were, at best, “awkward.” whatever that means. or if they were the protagonists, which was rare, they were nice enough and tried to do the right thing, but they never had strong feelings like resentment and anger. they weren’t allowed to be unfeminine which meant they weren’t allowed to be bitter, angry or in any way flawed. they didn’t look like the version of girlhood i knew to be true for me personally, which included a lot of anger and frustration and powerlessness. 

that crappy representation left me with internalized misogyny that chased me for longer than i’d like to admit. i did not learn to think of girls as humans who could be as interesting and flawed and messy as the boys were. i did not value myself as a girl, and later a woman, because i thought the best thing a girl could be was... bland. boring. pretty, but empty. passionless.

it would have meant the world to me to see a character like katara. 

because katara is angry. she has every right to be: she’s had so much stolen from her, including her mother, her people, and her childhood. katara has a short fuse. she yells. she snaps. she fucks up. sometimes she makes mean jokes! i never saw a single one of those dreamily perfect cartoon love interests make mean jokes when i was a kid. she is extremely idealistic--it’s her defining character trait--but we see the bad side of that as well as the good. we see that her need to help others  leads her to act rashly, to get herself into danger, to put others in danger too. 

and she has her very own arc. it’s not about her love for another person, either (what a snooze of a storyline); it’s about growing up and learning to break down some of that stubborn black-and-white thinking that we all indulge in as children. it’s a true coming-of-age arc and it belongs to a fourteen-year-old girl. 

when i, to use a phrase i find crass, “entered the fandom,” i quickly realized that other fans’ perceptions of katara did not line up with the things i valued most about her. other fans seemed to valorize her most socially acceptable feminine qualities: her generosity, her kindness, her dedication to helping others. and of course i love those parts of her--i love everything about her--but what is really remarkable about avatar: the last airbender is that katara’s many important virtues are also counterbalanced by equally significant flaws. a good character has flaws. katara is a good character, and a deviation from the characters who made up my formative media landscape, because she has flaws. her temper, her idealism, her stubbornness--these are flaws. flaws make her seem real and human and challenge the mainstream sentiment that girls are not real or human.

it simply did not occur to me that celebrating these aspects of katara that make her a realistic and well-written teenage girl would spark ire from other adult fans. it absolutely did not occur to me that i would then be blamed for somehow causing misogynistic interpretations of this character, particularly given that misogynistic interpretations of this character are the very thing i sought to correct when i began to blog about this television show.

i’m told there are “fans” on instagram and tiktok who think katara is whiny, annoying, and overly preoccupied with her trauma. i do not use instagram or tiktok, so i wouldn’t know, but i’ll take your word for it. respectfully, however, they didn’t get that from me. misogynistic takes on katara have existed since before i came along. i have never, ever called katara whiny. and seeing as i have been treating my own PTSD in therapy for nine years, you can safely conclude that i don’t think anyone, katara included, is overly preoccupied with their trauma. that’s not a thing. do i think she’s annoying? of course not! as a character, she’s a delight. does she sometimes find real joy in aggravating her brother and her friends? yes, because she’s 14. i, an adult, am not annoyed by her. sokka and toph often are, because that is katara’s goal and katara always succeeds in her goals. she’s not “annoying.” 

if there are “fans” who are indeed following lesbians4sokka and somehow misreading every single post and interpreting them to mean that we hate katara and they should too, i don’t really know what you want me to do about that. l4s has over ten thousand followers and we have already posted so many essays disavowing katara hate. our feminist and antiracist objectives in running the blog are literally pinned with the headline “please read.”

furthermore, you cannot reasonably expect my co-blogger and me to control the way our words will be received. we should not have to, and are not going to, add a disclaimer to every post saying that when we critique or make jokes about a teenage girl we are doing so through a feminist lens. our url is lesbians4sokka, and we are clearly women. if that alone doesn’t make it obvious, then refer back to that pinned post. 

it is indescribably frustrating, and really goddamn depressing as well, that people are so comfortable with the misogynistic binary of Perfect Good Women and Flawed Wicked Bitches that they perceive any discussion of a woman’s flaws to be necessarily relegating her to the latter camp. if that is how you (a generic you) perceive women, then i’m sorry, but you’ve internalized sexism that i cannot cure you of. and it’s unjust to expect my friend and me to write for the lowest common denominator of readers who have not yet had their own feminist awakenings. we do not write picture books for babies. we write for ourselves, and with the expectation that our readers can think critically. reading media through a feminist lens is my primary interest; i have no intention of excising that angle from my writing.

as i go through my life, i am going to embrace the flaws of girls and women because not enough people do. as long as the dominant narratives surrounding women are “good and perfect” and “unlovable wh*re,” you’ll find me highlighting flawed, realistic, righteously angry women in the margins. and for what it’s worth, it’s not just katara. i champion depictions of angry girls in all sorts of media. that’s sort of my whole thing. my favorite movies are part of the angry girl cinematic universe: thoroughbreds, jennifer’s body, hard candy, jojo rabbit, et cetera. on tv, in addition to katara, you’ll find me celebrating tuca and bertie, poppy from mythic quest, tulip and lake from infinity train, korra, and more. i adore all these women and see myself in them. i hope you find this suitably persuasive to establish that i have sufficient Feminist Cred, according to your standards, to observe and write about these very flawed and human fictional women. 

what i’m saying is this: i decline to take responsibility for the misogynistic discourse orbiting a children’s cartoon. as someone who writes about that series from a perspective that seeks to add humanity and nuance to the reductive, one-dimensional, overwhelmingly sexist writing that already exists, i am pretty taken aback that i am the one being blamed for the very problem i sought to address. except not that taken aback because i am a woman online, haha! and this is always how it goes for us. 

finally, i think it sucks that you’ve chosen to blame me for a problem that begins and ends with the patriarchy. i can’t control the way this response will be perceived, just like how i can’t control the way anything will be perceived because i am just one human woman, but i do hope you choose to be reflective, and consider why you’ve chosen this avenue to assign blame. 

#anyway! this answer is too long and it's undignified to answer ''fandom drama'' queries on le blog #but here we are in 2020

[live-long-and-time-warp]

It’s hard to leave your toxic friends... but it’s so worth it

I don’t normally do this, but as I sat in a Saturday morning meeting thinking about all of the things I felt this past Friday, I felt compelled to share my story.

A brief background: throughout college and for several years afterward, I considered my tight-knit group of college friends as some of my closest. In addition to my best friend of 20 years, some friends from high school, my work team, and some other dear friends scattered across the globe and throughout the U.S., this group of college friends was who I considered to be my foundation. This group of friends was extremely important to me, but it was not without its bumps in the road.

In my senior year of college, I had a falling out with one of these friends, the ringleader I’ll call her. I say this because she is quite honestly the source of 95% of my problems with this group. She is a master manipulator, and an expert gaslighter. There were a few others that contributed to this too, but she was by far the worst.

I can’t elaborate on every single thing that this person said and did over our 7 year “friendship” but a brief summary would be: asking me point blank if I thought I might be a lesbian after coming out as bi (to this friend group and in her presence, I might add) only several months prior; asking me how much money I spend on books about “Chernobyl” every month with the implication that she’s concerned about my finances; telling me that my resume may not be as impressive as I think it is (I’m the deputy director of a nonprofit with both state-based and national projects and had been for close to a year prior to this conversation); would clean up the crumbs from in front of me while I was still eating and comment on my messiness; told me that one of our mutual friends doesn’t like discussing politics with me because I get too fired up (again, I work for a nonprofit that deals with social justice); telling me that crying while comforting my friend who had just lost a loved one to suicide after they began crying was weird and that I “stole her thunder” (we were slightly drunk, I’m an empath, and she was talking about some deeply personal things that moved me and crying was my natural response... and oddly, she was appreciative of my tears because I was “the only person that actually stayed with her”); and so much more that I know I’m forgetting.

There were many other things more insidious, including gaslighting me about my inclusion in several group activities and why it should have been obvious why one friend disliked me enough to not invite me to her wedding after years of claiming cluelessness.

In our senior year, I left that friend for the first time after she humiliated me at a party by commenting loudly and with condescension on my weight. When I cut ties with her, I felt as if I had just left an abusive relationship, and for a while I didn’t want to seek a friendship with her again.

But the other friends in our group still hung out with both of us, so eventually I allowed myself to be sucked back in. 

In the years after we graduated, I thought that this person had actually changed- I worked abroad for a year after college, and after returning I saw a marked difference in her demeanor and how she interacted with us. She seemed more self-aware of how her words and actions adversely affected other people, and I thought that maybe the ugliness of that horrible portion of my senior year was now just a faded scar.

But then things escalated very quickly. Over the course of several weeks at the beginning of this year, I started to feel myself questioning whether I had made the right choice in rejoining the group: I was so sure of how I felt after I left it the first time, I felt so empowered and free. So why did I allow myself to rejoin them? Was it really the right choice?

I got my answer a week after the insurrection at the Capitol. One friend who already had a history of saying hateful things about women (which I tried to put a stop to to no avail) finally went full white supremacist asshole, and instead of joining me in calling his comments unacceptable and defending me as he mansplained my job to me, the ringleader criticized me and told me that “I can work in activism and politics and be wrong”.

That’s the moment I finally woke up.

I left the chat that very moment. Every time they added me back without my consent, I left again.

Every time I got message from the ringleader that was full of gaslighting comments and false apologies, I didn’t say a word. Just deleted the message. Finally, I was able to gather the strength needed to block those toxic friends from all social media and my phone. One of these friends was someone I tried to make like me for years after I was told that she hated me for no reason, by her own admission.

Some may not agree with this approach, but I made the choice to cut contact and go radio silent on my own after consulting my friends, specifically my best friend who had been there for me during the incident my senior year.

As weeks went by, some of the true friends from that group reached out, and then immediately backed off after my polite request for space, indicating that I was welcome back at any time and they were always here for me.

The ringleader chose the opposite approach. She continued to gaslight me, made a group chat with myself, the white supremacist, and herself. She sent me messages from her second account, one that I remembered to unfriend but forgot to block. She told me that if I don’t “course correct” by a certain date she would block me on my account (too late, bro) and that “we wish you all the best”. This implies that it was on behalf of the entire group, something I know three of them would never do. However, at this point, I have had to distance myself from all of those friends so as not to give the ringleader the attention she wants from me.

I lost over half of my closest friends over night. It felt like my skeleton had been torn from my body. I considered giving in several times and reaching out to them. But now, over a month later, I understand how necessary it was to excise what was essentially a malignant tumor. The Chernobyl researcher in me wants to compare it to Acute Radiation Syndrome (ARS): an unseen poison that slowly infiltrates every part of your mind and body and rots them from the inside out.

2020 was an extremely hard year for me, as it was for so many. I am so lucky and privileged to have been in the financial situation that I was and had the support of my genuine friends and family.

But it was still the worst year of my life. I have suffered from pretty bad OCD for most of my life, and while I usually keep it under control, last year it became nearly impossible to do so. I also fell very deeply into clinical depression, and worked to the point of burn out and exhaustion. The primary thoughts I had during this depression were: 

“Why aren’t you working? You’re lazy.”

“You’re a failure, you’re 26 and haven’t applied to grad school yet.”

“You piece of shit, still living with your parents? What a disappointment.”

“What is wrong with you?”

It was unbearable. I’m honestly not entirely sure how I survived it, but I think a certain 3-year-old goddaughter of mine and a few close, real friends had something to do with it.

I worked very hard with my friends, a therapist, and a psychiatrist to overcome this depression and get my OCD back under control. Now, I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I still have depression, and the OCD will always be with me (like a bad habit... literally?); but I am so much more happy with myself and my life, as I should be.

And I am very, very, very well aware that therapy was not the only reason I have recently begun feeling this way. It’s very hard to see that you’re being manipulated while it’s happening. Because of my trusting nature, sometimes manipulative comments would be interpreted as heartfelt guidance.

It wasn’t until I started the journey away from them that I saw just how much this group and their negativity (because even the best of them weren’t always the kindest) impacted my mental health.

The event that made me want to share this story is this: yesterday was a rough work day. As a full-time community organizer, I am pretty much burnt out all of the time. Breaks are taken, but with projects addressing issues from COVID relief to systemic racism and police brutality, it never feels like enough. 

I had to officially take a step back as a sole lead on an annual event that I organized for two years, and it was gut-wrenching.

Now, I cry often, but I don’t usually get to have therapeutic cries. You know what I mean? Like, as you cry, all of the tension that built up in your body by negative feelings is finally being released with every breath and sob?

Well, the dam finally broke in a team meeting on Friday. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. And my colleagues were so, so kind. They let me vent, they let me cry, they would not accept my apologies for crying. They told me that I was strong for setting up boundaries, and that they were here for me.

We spent a lot of time at the end of the meeting each talking about our self-care routines. And as I sit here typing this, I am actively trying not to cry at the purity of their support.

This experience has taught me what real friends are. Real friends do not put limitations on your emotions and fears.

Real friends do not give you deadlines for processing your feelings.

Real friends do not criticize you for things that, while they may not agree with, do not affect anyone’s health or marginalize anyone.

Real friends don’t marginalize vulnerable communities.

Real friends help and support you with constructive criticism (when it’s asked for) and love, not patronization and manipulation.

I thought I knew all of these things before, but I know now that I am still learning... and that that is perfectly okay. I don’t regret most of the times we shared together. I am appreciative of the positive memories that their friendships gave me.

Three of the friends in this group are actually good people, and maybe one day when the dust is settled I’ll reach out to them and establish one-on-one friendships with them (if they want to). 

And I have to thank my real friends, including @tryingtobealwaystrying, for all saying the exact same thing: you deserve so much happiness and fuck all of those guys.

So, the point of this post is to tell everyone this: you can leave your toxic friends. It’s incredibly difficult, stressful, and honestly traumatizing. And there’s no shame in needing time or feeling unable to leave those friends now. There’s also no shame in returning to those friends.

But please know, from this nerd to the reader: anyone that makes you feel any less than the beautiful, amazing human being you are and doesn’t want to help you become an even better human on your own terms is not a true friend. They don’t deserve you or the light you can bring into their lives.

And every agonizing step away from those friends is a step closer to a happier, healthier life.

#toxic frienship #mental health #living with ocd #depression #storytime

[misinformedgenic]

The last post on this god awful blog

Hello, I ask everyone who see’s this to unfollow this blog, if you are following me. I can’t look at the reblogs and posts I posted anymore, without feeling incredibly embarassed and I know that I am being aggressive to the people who gave me notes but you know what I don’t care.

(Overall trigger warning: trauma,syscourse,swearing and apologies.)

My message for those who are anti-endogenic:

(tw: abelism,mental ilness)

The truth is, whether all systems are formed by trauma or some can be born that way or it can be formed by something else, it really doesn’t matter. All endogenic systems are just trying to exist and communicate their experiences, and instead of listening and supporting those who might experience their plurality differently from you, you just villanize them and insult them and do the exact same thing that neurotypicals have been doing to us for YEARS. Calling us fake, saying we are trying to get attention, saying we should be ashamed of ourselves for “appropriaiting” from people who had a more severe form of an illness or was priveliged enough to get a diagnosis . If you are traumagenic and you haven’t had that kind of experience, I genuinely envy you. That shit was done to me and it really hurt me. People called me attention seeking for saying I was depressed,or had social anxiety or that I was transgender, or that I was traumatised or plural when all I was trying to do was be myself openly and to accept myself. Why is it that when someone who experiences some sort of plurality and they don’t feel comfortable assosciating their system with trauma, you jump straight to accusing them of something as awful as FAKING or BEING A THIEF!

And yes I know being endogenic means it’s not an illness, but being called a fake for expressing who you truly are when you’ve been forced to hide who you are is such a awful experience. How could you be so callous and careless to even risk that happening to someone else, even once more, in this cruel world. Even if every single endogenic system, who says I can’t help being a plural, was trauma genic, they still associate themselves with that word, endogenic. When you say something horrible about endogenic systems, you are doing so much damage to those people. I mean, to assume without a shadow of a doubt that every single “veritable” endogenic system is actually traumagenic with the limited amount of understanding of DID/OSDD IN ITSELF, as opposed to how this phenomenon could work outside of a disordered framework, really shows you have your head far up your ass. But even then, it doesn’t matter because whether they ended up being traumagenic or not, according to science, no one deserves that treatment.

Even then,in regards to the post on this blog that got the most notes, we need to understand that people with plurality are forced to label their pluraility as a symptom of a disorder. Many systems who needed psychiatry and systems who didn’t and just masked themselves mingled, and they shared terms. This is still happening today, more then ever.

(Just in case you want to know, fictive is not a term used in psychology or psychiatry. It literally came from the soul bonding community, and people who are anti endogenic are still using it. If you don’t believe me use a web browser, and provide some sources to prove otherwise. I didn’t know this, and I’m not going to tag the OP who told me this,because I’m not sure whether they want to be tagged, but thank you. I felt pretty humiliated but it helped to come to realize what I was doing was wrong and that my opinions were wrong, and it helped me to become a kinder and more understanding individual.)

And we need to understand that systems shouldn’t be forced to be involved in exploring their plurality through a lense of trauma, because for many it doesn’t make sense because thats not how they experience it. Even if it is repressed memories ,sometimes or always, systems need a space to be systems without talking about trauma or applying trauma to it. DID and OSDD spaces are not providing that and in those spaces trauma is going to be talked about. Systems shouldn’t have to force themselves to think about trauma and go through pain, just to be able to call themselves a plural and have people acknowledge and accept them.

My message for any endogenic systems and their supporters:

I apologize for everything that you had to go through, from me and my behaviour. My behaviour was terrible and none of you deserved it at all. You deserve so much more than what you get from the anti-endogenic crowd, and you are absolutely valid, and I hope that in the future things will be easier all of you. You deserve love, acceptance and support, and I hope that nobody will ever be able to take that reality from you. You are doing nothing wrong by just being a plural, and it’s really sad that people were and still are fighting about this. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

Conclusion:

(tw: s***** abuse,ableism,self hatred)

I know I was guilty of what I criticized, and that is really embarassing, but I’m glad I realize that now. I admit I was angry because I was jealous and bitter and I didn’t understand the history properly around this community or how it formed. I went through a lot of online g******g and s***al abuse and my experience with being a system was horrible, I had to deal with alters who had horrible del****ns and wanted to incite gruesome s*** h*** and wanted to k*** me. My system has introjects of my a****rs and random men I see on the streets making pe****ted comments at me pretty much all the time, and I was really jealous of systems who could experience the joys of being a system while avoiding the horrible parts. It made me feel worthless and inferior, because all the interesting and fun parts of being a system could be paraded on TikTok or whether and displayed by people who weren’t f***ed *p and dis*****ng like I was. I am not saying that’s the only basis as to why anti-endogenics hold their opinions, but I am saying this because if you ever see those anti-endogenic posts of mine somewhere and I am very passive agressive or vicious, that’s where it comes from and it isn’t objective or fair.

end of abuse trigger warning.

I decided that I am going to delete all the mean comments I made on other people’s posts that didn’t get any response, so that not another person has to see it again, and for which did get a response I am going to apologize to all those I harmed. If you want to respond to my argument, I can’t stop you from reblogging and making a comment, and that’s your freedom on this website, but I am not going to be replying because discourse on here is so nasty and I’m just done with that. I would rather help contribute to a community of people who feel isolated and who will be empowered by building a culture around plurality, whether that be around trauma or not. I’m tired of focusing on my trauma, it’s in the past and I don’t give a shit about it. It just sucks and I hate it and I am done with it. I will need therapy for it of course,yadi ya, but in terms of my limited free time on this earth I would rather contribute to making people feel happy and supported then argue and be angry about something that is kind of pointless anyway.

So bye, I would like to make a normal system blog in the future and we’ll be using the same names but for now I need to shut the fuck up and reflect. 

- Luca

Also hey, on a additional note, my name is Milo and I allowed my name to be associated with this blog and it was irresponsible and unkind for me to do promote this kind of thinking. I am really sorry for any harm I caused by being a part of this blog. Additionally Stanley understands that his post on pride flags was inaccurate and he made some very nasty comments/did some nasty stuff to, he is very sorry to all those he harmed with his previous posts. He is in a really bad situation at the moment, which has gotten worse over time, he is a trauma holder and he is in a lot of emotional turmoil,so neither me or Luca wanted him to be involved in writing this specific post, but that doesn’t mean what he did was okay and all three of us recognize this now.

Best regards,

Milo.

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples therapy. They are not sure of what to expect of the therapist or even if the therapist has any expectations of them.

I have found most couples approach therapy with the notion that each person will describe their distress and somehow the therapist will assist them to create a happier, more functional, relationship. They expect to learn some new or better skills. However, most people hope their partner will do most of the learning in problem areas.

After 30 years of clinical experience and specializing in working with thousands of couples, I have arrived at some guidelines that can make our work more effective. First, I do have some expectations of you. I am not neutral. I have evolved principles and concepts that I believe give us the greatest chance for success.

I believe my primary role is to help you improve your responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply held principles. So that you may know some of my key guiding principles, I have created this document to provide clarity and focus to our work.

Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good coach, my job is to help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you become a more effective partner — they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be.

Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy

The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.

The key tasks of couples therapy are increasing your clarity about:

The kind of life you want to build together

The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create

Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be

The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks

Tradeoffs and Tough Choices

To create sustained improvement in your relationship you need:

A vision of the life you want to build together

To have a life separate from your partner because you are not joined at the hip

The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team

The motivation to persist

Time to review progress

To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each person.

The first tradeoff will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas — your personal or professional time.

The second compromise is comfort. That means emotional comfort, like going out on a limb to try novel ways of thinking or doing things, listening and being curious instead of butting in, speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. At the beginning, there will be emotional risk taking action, but you will never explore different worlds if you always keep sight of the shoreline. In addition, few people are emotionally comfortable being confronted with how they don’t live their values or being confronted with the consequences of their actions.

The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes effort to sustain improvement over time: staying conscious of making a difference over time, remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative etc. It takes effort to remember and act.

The other effort is even more difficult for some people: that is improving their reaction to problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to criticism, and his/her partner is hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take effort to improve their sensitivity instead of hoping the partner will stop ignoring or criticizing.

In all these areas, there is generally a conflict between short-term gratification and the long-term goal of creating a satisfying relationship. The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make a sustained improvement. It is like pairs figure skating — one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional team.

How to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy Sessions

A common yet unproductive pattern in couple’s therapy is making the focus be whatever problem happens to be on someone’s mind at the moment. This is a reactive (and mostly ineffective) approach to working things through.

The second unproductive pattern is showing up and saying, “I don’t know what to talk about, do you?” While this blank slate approach may open some interesting doors, it is a hit or miss process.

The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are now in or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the experience is often an exercise in spinning your wheels.

Over time, repeating these patterns will lead to the plaintive question, “Are we getting anywhere?”

A more powerful approach to your couple’s therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before each session:

Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.

Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.

This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their agenda?” Your preparation will pay high dividends.

Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships

The following ideas can help identify areas of focus in our work and/or stimulate discussion between you and your partner between meetings. If you periodically review this list, you will discover that your reflections and associations will change over time. So please revisit this list often, it will help you keep focus during our work.

Attitude is Key

When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more important than what action to take.

Identifying what to do and how to do it is often easy to identify. The bigger challenge is why you don’t do it.

How to think differently about a problem is often more effective than just trying to figure out what action to take.

Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner. Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.

The definite possibility exists that you have some flawed assumptions about your partner’s motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The problem is, most of the time we don’t want to believe those assumptions are flawed.

Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner

Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself.

Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations, hopes, desires and concerns. It’s human nature to try and change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business.

The hardest part of couples therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it). Very few people want to focus on improving their response. It’s more common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving.

You can’t change your partner. Your partner can’t change you. You can influence each other, but that doesn’t mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship.

It’s easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the vistas are magnificent, the sun is shining and breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone chilling cold, you’re hungry and tired, and your partner is whining and sniveling about how you got them into this mess, that’s when you get tested. Your leadership and your character get tested. You can join the finger pointing or become how you aspire to become.

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.

Fear lets you know you’re not prepared. If you view fear in that mode, it becomes a signal to prepare the best you can.

You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle it.

The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.

Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy (Some Contradictions)

All major goals have built in contradictions, for example, speak up or keep the peace.

All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status, or a striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more harmonious relationships.

It’s not what you say. It’s what they hear.

Solutions, no matter how perfect, set the stage for new problems.

Tough Questions

Asking good questions–of yourself and your partner–helps you uncover causes beneath causes.

In a strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to their opinion?

Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity to seek your partner’s reality and the courage to express your reality when the stakes are high?

Why is it important to let your partner know what you think, feel and are concerned about? (Because they really can’t appreciate what they don’t understand.)

What is the price your partner will have to pay to improve their response to you? How much do you care about the price they will have to pay? (Everything has a price and we always pay it.)

Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?

If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?

When a problem shows up, it’s natural to think “What should I do about it?” A much more productive question is. “How do I aspire to be in this situation?”

The Importance of Communication

The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence.

Good communication is much more difficult than most people want to believe. Effective negotiation is even harder.

A couple’s vision emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires both people to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.

We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.

Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counseling. Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:

Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense

How you are communicating — whining, blaming, vague, etc.

What you want from your partner during the discussion

What the problem symbolizes to you

The outcome you want from the discussion

Your partner’s major concerns

How you can help your partner become more responsive to you

The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem.

No wonder good communication is so hard.

Some Final Thoughts.

You can’t create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what’s wrong. But it’s a start.

Grace under pressure does not spring full-grown even with the best of intentions — practice, practice and more practice. Practice the right things and you will get there.

Love is destroyed when self-interest dominates.

If you don’t know what you feel in important areas of your relationship, it is like playing high stakes poker when you see only half your cards. You will make a lot of dumb plays.

The possibility exists that we choose partners we need but don’t necessarily want.

To get to the bottom of a problem often means you first accept how complex it is.

Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship. You create trust by doing what you say you will do.

It’s impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever being judgmental or being judged.

If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull.

If neither of you ever rocks boat, you will end up with a dull relationship

Knowledge is not power. Only knowledge that is applied is power.

Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:

Blame or attempt to dominate

Disengage/withdraw

Resentful compliance

Whine

Denial or confusion.

These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions.

Everything you do works for some part of you, even if other parts of you don’t like it.

Three motivations will govern any sustained effort you make. You will seek to: 1. Avoid pain or discomfort 2. Create more benefits 3. Be a better person. It’s also true for your partner.

If you are asking your partner to change something, sometimes it’s a good idea to ask if the change is consistent with how they aspire to be in that situation.

Businesses and marriages fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:

Learn from the past

Adapt to changing conditions

Predict probable future problems and take action.

Effective change requires insight plus action. Insight without action is passivity. Action without insight is impulsive. Insight plus action leads to clarity and power.

If you want to create a win-win solution, you cannot hold a position that has caused your partner to lose in the past.

“To be a champ you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will.” Sugar Ray Robinson -Middleweight boxing champion, considered by many to be the best fighter in history, pound-for-pound.

Note: please review this document periodically as there is simply too much to absorb in one reading of it. We all will benefit from your efforts.

The following three questions help clarify and sharpen our focus.

1. What kind of relationship do you want to be in and create if you stay together? What kind of relationship makes you glad to see other at the end of the day?

Interestingly, most couples who created their own wedding vows describe a marriage that could serve as the North Star for the kind of relationship they want to co-create.

If you wrote your own vows, how well do you remember them?

Identifying the kind of relationship you desire to be in is the target, the bigger picture of why we are meeting. Otherwise, we’re just going to jump in and try to solve problems without any idea how these problems fit into a bigger picture of where you’re headed.

You don’t start packing for a trip unless you have an idea where you’re going or how long you going to be there.

2. Why is this kind of relationship important to you?

It takes motivation to do the heavy lifting that’s going to grow your relationship.

It’s often said, and I believe it, “When we lose our why, we lose our way.”

It’s a lot more than just coming in here and complaining about what your partner does and then hope for a miracle. It’s human nature to want progress without effort or emotional risk. However, desire without effort creates lifeless marriages.

3. What’s required of you, not your partner, to create this kind of marriage?

The sooner you start identifying what’s required of you, not what’s required of your partner, you are on the way to the fast track of creating change.

I also know everybody has self-protection and coping mechanisms that inhibit individual growth.

Your barriers can be those that you’ve created since you got together or resulted from negative early life experiences.

Common barriers to growth are a quick temper, being critical, disengaging, not being dependable, being furious instead of curious, etc.

Just reading all this information and reflecting on how you aspire to be a better partner is a good beginning!

If you find you need help, reach out to us for a free consultation. We can help!

#couples therapy

[navk]

An Open Letter to the Reader

Hello, lovely human. It’s me, Naveed - also known via the internet as Nav K. Actually, there’s a lot of people in the real world that still refer to me as Nav K. I always find that oddly amusing, it’s something that just stuck with people. I never thought it would, but it did, and that wasn’t even ever the intention. 

This Tumblr blog was born in 2010, about either a month before or into my university career. That would make it about 9 years old now. Almost a decade. There’s so much here that documents these past 9 years. A lot of personal struggle, world events, politics, rants, debates, sadness, joy, 5am existential crises. 

The purpose of this blog was just to write and have a place to put them. I never had any real intentions other than that. But over time, it grew to be so much more than that. It grew to be a part of a larger community of people, worldwide, that somehow became convinced to strap in and come along for the journey. And that - that by far, is incredible. 

I have no idea how my readership and fpollowercount almost reached 8000 or so. I never really kept track, and why would I? I had no idea what I was doing. It was organic. It was fun. It wasn’t work. It was just a kid in university writing his heart out. Things got gritty. Things got tough. I wrote about love. I wrote about sadness. I wrote about family, friends, and all the things that were happening in the world that I felt so passionately about. 

I always wanted to change the world. But somewhere along the way, I thought to myself that maybe the world as a whole is too big for me to change all at once. Maybe it would be a gradual thing. Maybe, just maybe, I could change one person’s life. Maybe I could impact them in such a way that it would inspire them to do the same for someone else, and so on and so forth. 

But I had no real idea as to how I would ever achieve that. And I never thought to myself that writing would be it. But maybe I’ve been along that very path all along without knowing it. 

Disclaimer, I say maybe a lot. Maybe and perhaps and absolutely. Those are my words. They are so powerful to me, and I love them. 

So people often ask me what inspires me to write. It’s such a simple but complicated question with so many variations of answers. But truly, the most honest answer I can ever give you is that I write because it saved my life. I write because it helped me live another day, helped me see through things I otherwise thought I couldn’t. It helped me survive through the mess of this world, and in a large part, shaped the greater part of who I am today. 

One of my personal goals have always been to achieve the best version of myself possible. Writing has enabled me to be introspective enough and vulnerable enough to identify what I need to one day get there. And I’m still working at it. I know I’ll never achieve it, but the best I can do is come close. 

When I started this blog to share my writing, I was nobody. Actually, I’m still nobody. I never considered myself a writer. I still cringe at the thought of calling myself that. Why? Because I simply don’t think I’ve earned it. I’ve just told myself throughout my life that I’m just a guy who writes. But doesn’t that make you a writer? I don’t know. Maybe it does, maybe not. 

I chose to share my writing as a leap of faith. It was my belief all along that I was just sending it off into the void, never to really achieve anything from it at all. Like a vessel launched into the stars, drifting cautiously towards some distant abyss. But what began happening over the years astonished me. When I think back to it now, it still leaves me in disbelief. 

What happened? 

You happened. You, who maybe happens to be reading this. You, who supported me. You, who shared my writing. You, who shared with me how in awe you were by my words. You, who messaged me privately and shared with me the emotions it evoked in you. You, who provided me with feedback. You, who gave me constructive criticism. You, who cheered me on silently. You, who sent me love and kindness and support and prayers. You, who were so kind to purchase my work and encourage me to produce more. 

You, who saw something in me that I failed to see in myself all those years. I was so grateful to you then, but I never quite allowed myself to accept your kindness. To truly believe in it. It was so hard for me. It’s still hard for me. But I’m learning to be gentler with myself. It’s that introspection that my writing has afforded me that has allowed me to realize how amazing this platform has been for me and despite its waning numbers and inevitable maturity, I am still so, so grateful. 

Sharing my work has never been an easy feat. In all honesty, I hardly ever shared everything I wrote. But then I started sharing less, and less, and less, to the point where I didn’t quite feel okay with sharing anymore. 

I actually attributed a lot of reasons to this, such as the bastardization of writing, the rise of the “instapoet” trend, the “hashtag” poetry, the tweet poems, all that and what not. But if I’m truly being honest, I stopped sharing because I didn’t feel good about the writing, and that was more of a reflection of how I felt about myself for some time. I wrote less, and then I wrote nothing at all. I’d be happy to get a meaningful sentence out on some days, but even those days were rare. 

I couldn’t write. I was stuck. I didn’t seek help. I left it. I left it alone in hopes that it would be there for me. When you’ve written for as long as I have, I would tell myself, it must be like driving - it’s muscle memory. It just comes back. 

But it doesn’t just come back. Nothing is ever that simple. It takes work and effort. And the courage to be vulnerable - with myself - which I had lost somewhere along the way. 

What became of Nav K, the writer, the accidental brand of sorts, was somewhat of a miracle in my own eyes. The fact that this platform has shown so much love and support is, to me, rare and incredible, and perhaps in some ways undeserved, but that’s just me being hard on myself. But you showed your love by elevating my work and having it seen, read, shared, loved by the count of “notes” - ranging from a few hundred to over 160,000. I mean, shit. Thank you. 

What’s the point in all this vivid reflection, you ask?

Well, it so happens that I’m falling (hopefully gracefully) into the tail end of my twenties. Soon, I’ll be 30. And sometime before I fade to dust (okay, I’m being dramatic, but maybe I’m not), I want to be able to really be able to leave something behind in this world that I’m proud of. 

That was the purpose of publishing my own work. It all began with Cheap Therapy in May 2012. I don’t love that book. In fact, I kind of hate it. But so many of you loved it for it’s raw honesty. I’ve had messages from people from all over the planet telling me how much it spoke their truth, that it voiced things that they felt but could not say. 

There was this one instance that someone messaged me saying that they had been reading it in one of their university classes at some point, just casually on their own. Their professor caught a glimpse and asked to see it, read a page or two, and told her that it was actually really good! 

DUDE. I was barely 21 when I wrote that. I was still, technically, an adolescent (in terms of psychological development). But I never let that get to my head. I studied English literature in my undergrad in hopes to become an English teacher (I did, but the market for teachers sucks so much!) and I tried so hard to maintain a sense of honesty and compassion and not even let a literary education get to my head. I just wanted to be real. Always. 

But I never quite felt accomplished. So I self published again. And again. And again. And … yeah, you get what I mean. In total, I self-published about 14 books. Yes, 14. And you’ll never really know or find them all anywhere because there’s a bunch under my name and another bunch under pseudonyms and heteronyms. Yes, I did that. Why? Because I wanted to write so badly that I didn’t just want to be a great writer, I wanted to be 5 great writers. Where am I on that counter? Probably still at 0, because I’m still far from great. 

But then I received other messages too, about how my work has inspired others to write. How it inspired you. How it saved you. How it allowed you to survive. How it allowed you to see yourself out of a dark place. How it allowed you to feel. How it gave you hope. How it made you appreciate the world. How it made you want to love again. How it made you see things differently. 

Not too long ago, I received a random private message on social media from someone (who I obviously won’t name) who told me that they were so inspired by my writing that they decided to pursue it as a career, and that they had just completed their master’s degree in journalism. 

I was in awe, and even that is an understatement. I mean, I did that?! I inspired you? HOW? 

So in a way, I suppose I did change the world, or at least small parts of it. I impacted you as individuals, and I pray that you strive to do the same for someone else. That you seek to enrich and inspire and keep doing good. And to keep striving to be a better version of yourself. And no matter what, never stop creating. 

And that’s what made me realize that I should perhaps take my own advice. 

From my self-perceived worst (Cheap Therapy, 2012) to my best (By Bodies of Water, 2014), I feel as though I still have so much to give to you and this world. I feel like I’ve just begun even though it so often feels otherwise. But that’s the struggle, that’s the process, and that in itself is beautiful in its own way. By Bodies of Water was 5 years ago, and today, it just doesn’t hold up in my eyes as the best representation of who I am and the work that I am capable of producing (most of which I have not shared anywhere, period). 

I’ve never really been good at self-promoting or talking about myself. I’m the worst at it and cringe every time I try. But I realize now, more than ever, that I need your support. That I can’t create work without you. Because this work is for you as much as it is for me. 

In the past, whomever I have utilized an illustrator or designer, I have always tried to pay them for their contribution. Admittedly, this has been incredibly difficult for me because I never really put my work out with the intention of making lots of money from it. In fact, using a platform like Amazon, which I currently still use for self-publishing, takes a significant cut from any sales proceeds because it’s hosted and managed by such an established platform. So, I actually have never been able to have a budget for my books and any work I commission from others by way of illustration or design comes out of my own pocket with little to no hopes of ever really making it back in a sensible way. Yeah, I know it sounds awful, like why would anyone do that, but I did it for the love of the craft. In fact, putting work out with illustrations has resulted in net losses every time, and that’s further driven by the fact that I don’t promote my work. 

Ideally, I would love nothing more than for a publishing deal that remedies these aches and pains fo self-publishing. That’s the dream. That’s the ultimate mark for me, but I have no idea if that is ever going to be a reality. Some dreams stay dreams. But I really can’t let that stand in the way of creating my own mark on this world. 

If you still have love for me or my craft (well, hopefully both, it’s kind of a package deal, ya know?), then I ask for your support. I ask for you to help share my work, to help contribute to sharing the love and the joy you feel and have felt. 

My publicly posted work can all be found under a single hashtag and contains all 9 years of works posted. Find them here: https://navk.tumblr.com/tagged/navk

If you would like to support my work and help me produce more and pay other artists that I employ and help cover related costs, please consider some of the options below. I would love for you to have something of mine in return, and there is no better way that I can personally think of than to offer you my actual work! 

If you would like to contribute by purchasing my work, you can find physical/digital versions here: https://www.naveedk.com/books

You don’t have to spend anything if you don’t want to. I still believe that somethings in life should be free. I have PDF copies of some works available online for free, or you can contribute whatever amount you choose. Some have a nominal fee attached, some are up to you. Anything helps. You can find them here: https://payhip.com/navk

Pay what you want digital package (500 pages of work /5 books and 1 sample), here: https://www.naveedk.com/downloads

Personalized Signed copies of By Bodies of Water, here: https://www.naveedk.com/signed/water 

If you are feeling generous and would like to simply donate, you can do so here: https://www.paypal.me/navk

- 

As always I am so eternally grateful. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope you choose to stay for the ride, because we’re just getting started. 

Find me on social media

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_navk/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/_navk

Web: https://www.naveedk.com

Love, 

- Nav K

#navk #writing #on writing #books #amazon #publishing #self publishing #dreams #instagram #work #poetry #prose #my books #journey #writer #writing community #spilled ink #spilled ocean #creative writing #letter #open letter

[ofcloudsandstars]

If you’re still doing readings~ I’d love a general one! Initials are SLN and I’m a Gemini sun Virgo moon Scorpio rising 💛

I'm just going through all the requests I got previously before I closed the readings. Sorry it's taking so long!

Just a general note for now: Reading requests are closed. I will get to the requests in my inbox but just to make sure I can get to all of them and won’t be drowned I am closing it lol. Each reading does take a lot of energy so they may take me a while to answer all of them but rest assured if you sent in a request I will get to you!

So I thought maybe the cards were picking up on the energy of the previous reading so I reshuffled them (cause a lot of the cards were the same) and I am sorry I doubted the cards the first time cause it seems to be the same reading but just now it's more INTENSE haha (Like the 5 of wands card was replaced with the devil lol.) I still kind of remember some of the first cards I drew and their positions so I may bring those up too!

Your Card: Nine of Swords reversed -Prior it was Ace of Swords reversedComparing the two cards together you have a lot of new ideas and creative/intellectual energy but no clear way to start on a new project or get them out. Alternatively you may have too many projects or ideas going on. What the nine of swords reversed indicates is there is a deep inner turmoil as a result of this. Even if reality may not show it, your mental state may make things feel much worse than they are. If you are struggling to keep your head above water it's time to reach out to people and seek their support. Some can offer a new perspective or just a place to vent to ease some stress and tension. You may be way too hard on yourself or letting inner fears block you from progress. On a positive side this card also shows that you are coming out of this period of worry and are making a recovery. In order to fully recover ask yourself why are you being so hard on yourself? Sometimes we are our worst critics though what we feel about ourselves and are work do not reflect reality and how others perceive it.

What you should be focusing on: Seven of Swords upright-Prior it was Queen of Wands reversed

Interestingly enough seven of wands upright was the obstacle card in the first reading and Queen of Wands reversed was the 'what you should focus on' card but now Queen of Wands reversed is the advice card. These cards seem like they really want to give you a message. Seven of swords shows that you need to be strategic in what you do and prioritize what's important to you. You can't do everything and it's not possible to take on every duty. It's ok to take on shortcuts to resolve your issues quicker. This card also shows that it's ok to also put yourself first and focus on your needs. You may feel obligated to help others or help with everything but if you prioritize your needs you can see what you need to get done and if you have free time to spare to help others. It's ok to also let others know that you aren't always available for support. Additionally the seven of swords can show that there is someone who is deceiving you or there can be betrayal going on. Someone or something can be sneaking around your back causing more stress. I only bring up this possibility because there is the devil card in this spread and previously there was the 5 of wands that signifies disagreements and isolation as a result of them. Take note of any manipulative people in your lives. With pluto going retrograde a lot of their mischievousness will soon be revealed.

Action Card- What you should do: Ten of Swords reversed.

Sadly I don't recall the previous card that was here. This card can show an old situation or conflict that ended badly of which you are still carrying around wounds from it but they are buried so deeply you may not realize they are still present and continuing to hurt you. These pains need to be confronted and dealt with once and for all. This card wants you to release these memories to allow you to move forward with a sense of renewal and hope for the future. If you try to avoid it, and avoid inevitable change because you are not ready to face what's happening, the more you resist the more the painful situation will drag on. This card is calling for some self therapy or shadow work. You need to dig deep within yourself to see where old wounds are buried and though you might not understand it all yet, the outcome will lead to your personal growth in the long term.

Outcome Card: The Devil reversed

If you look at the previous card like you diving into your own underworld to face your shadows this card is like the boss fight. The devil of the underworld. However this card as an outcome is very positive, it shows that you are on the verge of a break-through, ready to get to the surface to your highest potential but first you must let go of any unhealthy attachments or limiting beliefs holding you back. When you are called to do something 'more' you must deal with your shadows before you can step into this new version of yourself. These can be the inner voice of self criticisms, any unhealthy relationships (if this is about someone taking advantage of you such as the Seven of Swords may suggest) or a disengaging career and sometimes even addiction. This card shows that you can confront your inner fears to free yourself from the chains that bind you to your limiting beliefs.

Obstacle Card: Ace of Swords reversed

Interestingly enough this was your initial card before I reshuffled (cause some of the cards seemed similar to the last reading I did but now I realize this card is for you!) This may come out as an obstacle because you may have too many ideas without any clear direction of where to go. This can also show that you may be made aware of a troubling path ahead and the steps you may take but that new path is causing you stress. It's ok to feel negative when we have to go through our own shit. However stress is something that needs to be managed cause it can make us sick eventually. Know that you are doing your best and the fact that you may make the option to confront yourself is the best decision you can do at this time. Don't be hard on yourself. We do live with weird expectations that we should get things right away and berate ourselves when we don't but if things get heavy and really hard do not beat yourself up further about it. Additionally you should consider getting a private journal to voice your inner stress so you don't hold on to it. Once again it's ok to feel negative but once that negativity gets weaponized into stress we end up attacking ourselves with it. Don't beat up on yourself and when things get hard you should write in it and hide it somewhere to keep it private.

Advice card: Queen of Wands reversed

As mentioned before this was your initial 'what you should focus on' card. It's nice to see that this is the advice. It shows that you need to focus on your self confidence, self respect and explore yourself on a deep level. You should stand up for your personal truths and beliefs. If you know what you stand for, whatever bogus other people have to say or manipulate you into doing won't work as well. This card also shows that you may have a rich inner world. Even if you could be someone introverted, the world you have cultivated within yourself is fantastical and you should focus on your positive inner qualities within to boost your confidence. This card could also show that you may have handed your power over to others by paying too much attention to their thoughts and opinion but this card is inviting you to call that power and confidence back. Since this card is also showing someone who is creative, take this advice along with the journal and make some journal entries just random art that you can explore. It can be private and just for you so you won't feel pressure to share with anyone or make it seem perfect. It just has to express.

Underlying Card: Three of Wands uprightThis card shows the underlying theme of this is that you may have some plans you want to accomplish to bring in additional opportunities or there are more opportunities already on the way to expand your current path. These can be in the form of study, business or any new venture. You are having new chances available to broaden your horizons. It's time to think bigger and take advantage of this potential as well as accepting your vision and confidence to achieve it. In the context of the reading this can also mean that your attention is on changes and challenges that lie ahead. There can be obstacles in your way or obstacles before you can get to those new ventures. However if you work on your confidence and inner power you can overcome those obstacles.

I hope you found this insightful! It was an intense reading. Let me know if I was off or if it was helpful. Wishing you luck!

#anon #tarot reading

[childfreeparentingadventures]

16% of people who give birth get PTSD….FROM CHILDBIRTH

Did you know that? Because I sure as fuck didn’t before I got pregnant. In fact, I didn’t know that until I was past the legal point of terminating my pregnancy and I feel like that’s KIND OF FUCKING IMPORTANT INFORMATION. I was (and still am) livid that this critical medical fact wasn’t provided to me in time for me to make an informed decision about my own body and mental health.

Why the fuck aren’t more people talking about this?!

First things first: No, I do not mean postpartum depression. I mean clinical post traumatic stress disorder with flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, nightmares, and the other debilitating symptoms caused by massive trauma.

From this abstract on PubMed.gov

Postpartum posttraumatic stress disorder (P-PTSD) is a variant of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that, although relatively prevalent, is under-researched. Up to one-third of women in the United States describe childbirth as traumatic, with 9 percent of women meeting the criteria for PTSD outlined by the American Psychiatric Association. These statistics are sobering in light of common use of analgesia during birth as well as hospital birth environments promoting family-centered maternity care.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

An additional study that came out A WEEK before I gave birth identified 28,000 women suffering from birth induced PTSD in the United Kingdom alone and a Canadian study found up to a third of women had at least some serious PTSD symptoms cause by birth. 

I’m going to link a whole bunch of additional articles below, but the shorter and sweeter this is the more chance I have of catching people’s attention. So here’s the gist of it:

Don’t let anyone fool you. Birth is traumatic. It’s even MORE traumatic if you have a bunch of people touching you without your permission, an emergency c-section or delivery, complications during labor, or you didn’t want to give birth in the first place.

Other risk factors include (but are not limited to):

Unwanted pregnancy

Past trauma

Anxiety disorders

Depressive disorders

Sexual abuse

Drug or alcohol abuse in your or your immediate family

Childhood abuse

No support network

Family members with mental health issues

And according to one baby book a bad relationship with your mother (the appalling Fruedian obsession of pregnancy books with your mother is a subject for another post)

If things are all suddenly clicking into place and you think you or somebody you know may be suffering P-PTSD seek professional help immediately. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR therapy, and medications all have really good success rates.

Already stuck in a situation where you’re going to have to give birth? It’s okay, there are ways to mitigate the risks.

I got extremely lucky that my care team was familiar with P-PTSD and once it was identified that I was extremely high risk we acted accordingly. I met with professionals weekly for a large part of my pregnancy to discuss any concerns I had and process all my emotions. My partner was looped in on warning signs and communication and support was kept open. We established clear and extensive boundaries for my body of what was and wasn’t acceptable under a variety of circumstances. We set safe words that the care professionals and my partner were aware of and had to abide by. My care team was diligent in explaining every single thing that was happening or about to happen and giving me as much warning as possible reassuring me during. They continually affirmed that my concerns and emotions were valid and natural. Most importantly (in my opinion) we arranged for a home birth. This kept the situation under my control and in a safe environment as much as possible and only allowed the few medical professionals I had worked closely with for weeks to be present while I was vulnerable. After birth they continued to evaluate my mental health for several weeks before we agreed I came out the other side thankfully unscathed.

I can already hear people saying that they didn’t click the links because horror stories shouldn’t put you off having kids. HORROR STORIES SHOULD ABSOLUTELY PUT YOU OFF THE IDEA OF KIDS. This is happening to one third of people giving birth. 1 in 3. The odds of getting attacked and killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067 but you still pay attention to that if you go swimming in shark prone waters! This is real and everyone should have the right to be informed.

Click the links, read up, and make the best goddamned informed decisions about your own fucking mind and body that you can.

https://www.salon.com/2010/02/18/ptsd_in_childbirth/

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/the-mothers-who-cant-escape-the-trauma-of-childbirth/408589/

https://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/postpartum-ptsd-after-birth

https://ebn.bmj.com/content/8/2/59

https://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/topics/anxiety/postpartum-ptsd-beyond-postpartum-depression-in-maternal-mental-health/

#ptsd #trauma #birth #women's health #parenting #parenting blog

[bettsfic]

i know you talk about psych stuff sometimes, do you have any advice or resources for like, better understanding your self and your feelings and stuff without going to therapy (because, well, money)

this is a tall order, anon, but i’ll see what i can do.

find a way to express yourself creatively. sometimes you gotta get all the gunk inside you out, and you do that through creativity. find anything that interests you -- writing, drawing, dancing, singing, etc. -- and focus on using it as a means of self-expression rather than something product-oriented. with writing specifically, there’s no better way to understand your inner thoughts than to be able to put them on paper and let them stare you in the face. creativity turns the internal and abstract to the external and concrete. only by expressing yourself can you let things go.

practice mindfulness. set aside a few minutes every day to do a simple activity that requires your complete focus. draw a spiral. listen to a song and attend to every word. pull up a youtube video of an aquarium and follow one fish through the entire duration. once you do this long enough, it can open a lot of doors in you that were once closed.

do regular self check-ins. ask yourself every hour or so, how do i feel right now? put it on a numbered scale of 1 to 10 if you have to. write it down maybe so you can see how your mood fluctuates throughout the day and in correlation to your meals and energy and sleep schedule. it’s hard to listen to yourself sometimes, so you have to make time to ask yourself how you’re doing.

make friends with someone older and smarter than you (who isn’t creepy or predatory). they won’t be your mentor or anything, but you’ll be able to learn from them, and they can give you a better picture of what it means to get older and have gone through more shit than you have. i’ve learned a ton from having friendships with people older than me, just by listening to them, without relying on them as any kind of emotional mentor. 

self-reflect without judgment. take time to think through the things that have happened to you, what mistakes you’ve made, and the ways that you’ve been wronged. let yourself think through these moments objectively, and ask yourself questions as to why things happened the way they did. consider: in what ways do you seek validation from others? why is it that you’re unable to validate yourself in these situations? what would internal validation look like, and, if you obtained it, how would you behave differently?

imagine your best case scenario. often times, we don’t let ourselves consider what would happen if everything in our lives were *realistically* the best they could possibly be. we throw spaghetti at the wall: i’d be a millionaire! i wouldn’t have to work! i’d sleep all the time! that’s not realistic though. that’s a 15 on a ten-point scale. consider instead: if i weren’t depressed or anxious, how would i be different? what are the things i would be interested in? what activities would i do? if i had all of my needs met and felt physically and mentally secure, what would i do with my day? it took me years to find my answer to that question, because i think i was afraid of that answer. what if my dreams were too big? what if i failed them? but i found the further i pushed my dreams, the more realistic they became, the more excited i was to pursue them. i don’t want to work in an office anymore, i thought. okay so -- where do you want to work? in a school, i thought. it took a whole year of work, but eventually i found my way back into a classroom. 

be good to yourself, all the time. i think one of the most powerful realizations i ever had was this: i never have to be mean to myself ever again, and i don’t have to accept meanness from others. i will never endure harm or put it on anyone else for the rest of my life. learn to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. for me, this is as big as the strength to cut toxic people out of my life, and as small as forgiving myself for the tiniest mistakes, like sleeping in too late, not calling my grandma as often as i should, saying something embarrassing that i later regret, forgetting to text someone back. i am allowed to accept and love myself for exactly who i am this very moment, and i’m allowed to love past-me too, and every iteration of future-me. this does not mean i can’t also be critical of my behavior, but that’s why we self-reflect and consider our best case scenarios, so we have the tools to dissect our problems and a goal to work toward.

i hope this helps! thanks for the challenging question

#advice #self-care #psych #Anonymous

[beckygomez-news]

Becky G on Staying Sane Under Pressure: “Therapy Is Always a Great Option”

#becky g #2019 #news #interview #people en español

[funkymbtifiction]

My Enneagram quest: Gut fix edition

It has taken me ages to be certain of my core and tritype, but I think I am finally here. Thought of sharing my own Enneagram journey with you folks, in the hopes that it might be hopeful to someone. I am going to do this as a three parter, so I can go through my discovery process in as much detail as possible.

(Note: Hermione's core is a 1w2. Mine is just a fix, to my core.)

As an Ne dom, I could easily imagine myself as every type save for 3, 8 and 9. I have always been a passionate, opinionated person who freely embraced self expression. Therefore, self - erasure of any sort was obviously out of the question, plus sloth has never been one of my principle vices. I have had boundary issues with people all my life, which my 8 fixed mother keeps pointing out to me. She says that I am far too lenient with people and that's why I "suffer". However my readiness to anger was something which still had me on the fence between 1 and 8.

As a child, I remember getting angry because some of my classmates were kicking a dog. I was so speechless with rage; I just sat down and started crying, while throwing rocks at them. Also, 8s seemed ballsy and that's something I couldn't relate to at all. Even so, I am not a moralizing sort. I don't get off on punishing people for breaking rules or telling them off. I possess no strong internal moral framework. I was still not sure. Besides, most 1 descriptions seemed so...dull and uptight I couldn't see myself in that at all. So I pegged myself as a weak 8 fixer (even though I doubted it as I have never been an active power seeker, or concerned myself with it as long as I had my autonomy). The real breakthrough came about when I posted on PersonalityCafe aka PerC. Someone commented that I was a 3 because the presentation seemed so perfect. The words if I remember correctly were "It seems crafted, and so polished". Right down to the punctuation. So formal for even a casual post on a typology forum. After much argument, I accepted it somewhat reluctantly because of my own misconceptions regarding the types. Intuitively though, I knew that it just didn't fit right. The Misidentification between 1 and 3 article on The Enneagram Institute website was spot on. It explained all the 3-ish elements of my writing style. It helped me understand the key difference between 1 and 3, in that 3 wanted it to merely look perfect while 1 had to BE perfect in order to meet high internal standards. I remembered my work self and that was definitely very much in line with 1. I thought about how my junior told me I used to be short with her about her sloppy performance when I was angry/stressed. Throughout the earlier years, I was an over achieving, perfection seeking child/person. At my job, I was fairly good at handling details (though it stressed me out awfully because of inferior Si) every now and then. I have thrown out many pieces of writing because they seemed like cold painted corpses. Perfect, beautiful and absolutely lacking in warmth. Going to therapy helped me cement the 1 fix as well.

When I was issued the psychometric assessments, I was worried about getting it wrong. Worried about the answers, WHEN THERE WERE NO WRONG ANSWERS! I asked for an extra sheet to clarify my answers, to a freaking MCQ. I didn't want the therapists to get it wrong either. I told my therapist that I discontinued the previous one because he was incompetent and useless. She asked me if I was holding her up to a certain standard as well. I'd to admit that every word and expression was being scanned internally for signs of disinterest, lack of authenticity, competence etc. Repeatedly, the therapist wrote down *Perfectionist* and *Control* in my worksheets. Finally, when she said "It is okay to not know everything. It is okay to be wrong" it is like something within me just snapped and I looked away, to hide my tears.

Something that Richard Rohr said in one of his videos particularly hit home with me. He mentioned that Ones tend to get pissed off when someone gets something they didn't work for or deserve. He said Ones are obsessed with the idea of establishing a meritocracy. Here we were, two people from different generations and cultures. Yet... I felt like he was speaking directly to my soul. It brought to mind all the times I'd bitched about nepotism and strongly advocated in favour of establishing a meritocracy.

As for figuring out the wing to my 1 fix, it was easier. There is a heat found in an angry 1w2 which is lacking in a 1w9. 1w9 tend to be more silently critical, cool and judgmental. They don't tend to forgive easily or get involved nearly as much as a 1w2. 1w2s actively place themselves in a mentoring role. They are warm, and willing to engage with people. They see the potential in people and encourage them. My writing style tends towards warmth and engaging with the reader as opposed to the cool, precise and impersonal style adopted by the 1w9. There is a mild streak of activism in me, better explained by the 1w2 rather than 1w9. However since it is my last fix, it doesn't translate into action a lot. I prefer to fix things by critiquing existing systems, reworking it to the point of serving personal effectiveness rather than actively throwing myself into any kind of activism.

Knowing one's enneagram types is never a fun process. It can be long and tedium filled. But when you come face to face with the truth, it will be worth it. For it will knock you over. Like a gut punch, you are left doubled over and breathing hard. But you can get up, and see yourself for who you are. The good bits, and the nasty bits. Accepting and integrating the two will finally lead to growth.

- ENTP Mod./ Enneagram Mod.

#enneagram #enneagram 1 #enneagram 1w2 #enneagram 1w9 #mod post #entp mod

[icantlose]

COLOR ORACLE.

GENERAL DISPOSITION. 

At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for recognition. You find it important that other people accept and appreciate you and view you as competent. For this reason, you try hard to have everything – including yourself – under control, to know your way around everything and if necessary to take on unpleasant tasks. You believe you have to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of because, at the moment, your sense of self-esteem is fragile.

YOU CAN ASK YOURSELF →  Why do I actually try so hard to keep everything under control? Why do I try to prove to myself and others how hardworking I am? Does my value really depend only on whether I am admired for my accomplishments or special abilities?

Of great importance to you now is...

...VIGOROUS EFFORT.

You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off. At present you are working particularly hard for... 

...THE PLEASURABLE SATISFACTION OF YOUR DESIRE FOR ENJOYMENT.

An inner urge drives you to obtain the sensual enjoyments and pleasures that you now desire so much. You grab lustily at anything tasty that is on offer, and you are delighted when there is something good to drink with it. The other thing that can get you going is your hunger for sexual satisfaction. If someone tries to deny you this enjoyment, you can become aggressive and unpleasant. You want to make your life more satisfying by...

...UNWAVERING STABILITY.

Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from...

...THE WISDOM TO AVOID RISKS. 

You give careful thought to what you do and what you say to whom. You hide your emotions and objectives behind a friendly but inscrutable mask in order to protect yourself from unpleasant confrontations and criticism. Your caution and reserve can be a sign of intelligence but also an expression of underlying fears. It would do you good to reveal your emotions and fears to someone you feel very close to in order to break through the wall of mistrust that you have erected around yourself. When you are pressured by problems, your internal computer screen displays the recommendation of...

...OBTAINING SUFFICIENT FUNDS.

It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence. You have unrealistic expectations regarding your...

...RESTFUL RELAXATION.

Due to the fact that stress and interpersonal conflicts are straining your nerves, you are in need of more frequent periods of undisturbed calm in which you can lean back, relax comfortably and regenerate. The things that would help you most, aside from adequate sleep, are a professionally led relaxation therapy or a regular practice of yoga and meditation.

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY.

When you think about the difficulties you have to cope with, your mood is anything but rosy. You have to steel yourself against exhausting demands, you feel unfairly treated, or you are faced with some other impositions. You try to adopt a thick skin, but you get worked up all the same and have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. At the moment, you are in quite bad spirits due to your...

...AGGRESSIVE IRRITABILITY. 

You often feel hindered by someone, either because your lovely plans get crossed or because someone puts bothersome obstacles in your path, criticizes you, offends you or otherwise annoys you. For this reason, you have accumulated a great deal of resentment inside which can discharge in the form of unexpected aggressive reactions. As long as you have not yet forgiven someone who has angered or injured you, you will not get rid of your explosive irritability. You are happy to give someone close to you the blame for your...

...DISTRESSING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

...UNPLEASANT CONTENTIOUSNESS. 

The behavior of certain other people is a thorn in your side. You don't feel like putting up with just anything without objection, and because of this, you can give no guarantee you won't end up in an argument with the person in question. Your stubborn attitude could easily provoke confrontations. At the moment, your mood is somewhat gloomy due to your...

...PAINFUL SENSE OF LONELINESS. 

Your need for loving company and tender physical contact is not being satisfied in the measure you would like. Your hunger for warm-hearted attention drives you to seek contact. Although you hold close association with a few people, when the interaction is over, you often feel lonely and left to your own devices. It saddens you to find so little understanding and responsiveness towards your needs and difficulties. Sometimes you feel sorry for yourself because of your...

...BURDENSOME SITUATION OF SUFFERING.

You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behavior and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone's innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged.

#HOLY SHIT THIS WAS SCARY ACCURATE. #WOW WOW #CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT STAR FOX || MEMES #You're good but I'm better! || ABOUT #long post

[hozukitofu]

Minato, some points

Hello and welcome to Words for Namikaze Minato, our beloved Yondaime Hokage, sensei and elite killing machine:

It baffles me sometimes that he suggested or recommended (I'm sorry for not being up to date with canon to ascertain this) Kakashi into ANBU, you know, the local not-so-secret ninja killing squad. Kakashi has PTSD. He fought in a war. He was made a victim of a teammate's cruel suicide. He watched another got crushed under a rock. He lost an eye, got a Sharingan implant AND THEN gained his Mangekyou. All under a week (in that range somewhere). Any more killing would just destroy the child. He's a child soldier. Any child or human or anything vaguely breathing in him will be gone if he continues killing. Which is conveniently when Minato told him to join the kill squad, which obviously is the best choice and ONLY choice for him, like taking a rest for a year or seeking therapy or talking about his trauma is forbidden and must not be mentioned. He ruined that child, directly or indirectly, by recommending him into ANBU

Also did he like, teach his genin squad anything? I saw them go on missions together and the infamous Bell Test, but did he...like, train the brats? Do they know jackshit about war? Do they know how to fend for themselves? I understand that wars excuse a lot of morally ambiguous acts, and turning children into child soldiers for the state is one among many - so if the state, Konoha, said 'Let the children fight and be puppets for the adults', how come there was no,,,Crash Course 101: Survival Guide for Dummies in A Literal War. Or did I miss out on that in canon - I wouldn't know, I barely glimpsed at the manga

Minor detail, but did he comfort his genin team after the onslaught of trauma or the beloved saying of - 'Well genin are children and they've been in a war and Good Shinobi must suppress their feelings' - because the saying is stupid and they are babies and honestly, I'm 19, I'm young, but if a 13 year old under my tutelage had something distressing happened to them, I would have the human decency to comfort them and check up on them, so that they don't self-destruct and rot away in their confusion. But hey, what do I know, I'm only a kid

I get that he has a responsibility to the village and the village comes first, which I absolutely get, because he's in charge and the safety of everyone relies on him. But in taking that job, he would, at some point, have to make the call between his family and the state, in which case there is pain either way. I don't know how well the Nart fandom us with Agamemnon, but he chose the state over his family and ultimately failed as a father. Minato, though he saved the village from being smashed to smithereens, left his wife and unborn child to the protection of others leading up to the Konoha Nine Tail Smash and Scream episode, sealed a literal demon inside a baby, and then died protecting that baby and consequently the village. Now it's actually just sad because he failed BOTH his son in not protecting him enough and leaving him orphaned and left the village without a leader in the tumult of a Literal Demon Rampage

I just don't think shoving a demon made wholly of chakra into your unborn son was the best choice he could have made but once again, I actually don't know how that all works. Maybe I'm reaching, but he is intelligent. The role of a leader is to protect the safety of the vulnerable citizens in the state, and pregnant women who house chakra demon along with unborn infants are, shockingly, very vulnerable. Protection for Kushina should have been made tighter. Hell, why does Kushina need protection, isn't she a sealing master, can't she help with the protection effort too? Notwithstanding that, Minato should have been checking regularly on the time bomb that is Kushina about to deliver his spawn and the seals that jail the Nine Tail in. If he's not protecting then he should be maintaining. Or researching ways to store the demon outside of a human host. There are seals for everything. You telling me, smart and ruthless fighter with a high scores in the Academy, along with a surviving member of a deadly sealing village, could not come up with an alternative that wasn't Hey let's put the demon into our unborn child? It's just, he's supposedly a genius. Don't geniuses have contingency plans for basically everything? Why is he planning on the spot and willingly throwing his child to the fray? Shouldn't his paternal instincts and love stronger than the village safety? Sealing the kyuubi into Naruto is more for the village than his son and it makes me upset how when he is dying, he prioritises the village before his little crying blonde son, who, reasonably, should be protected by the village and shouldn't have to protect the village at literally hours into the world

New Road to Ninja! Minato just makes me furious, honestly. Maybe I'm too liberal. Maybe I'm too soft. But raising a hand against your child as a discipline method is just inhumane. Okay, Naruto is being an angry, typically rebellious teen. We've all been there. Teenage years are fraught with parents wanting to tear their hair out because their wayward spawns are so infuriating. And they won't goddamn listen. I get it. I have younger cousins and a brother. I was myself, an angry and stupid teenager. Still am. But that does not excuse, under any circumstances, violence against your child. You, the parent, the idol, the caretaker, the guardian, the everything your child look up to, you have just betrayed that trust by raising your hand and striking your child. It does not matter how hard or not you've struck them, it's the ideology and belief that this is the only way to get them to listen and no other method works. It angers me. It angers me that Minato, who is gentle and understanding and kind and sweet, would hit his visibly angry for no reason and confused son, who ought to be a beloved piece of himself and should be reasoned with. Naruto is angry, yes, and reckless, and could have endangered the mission, but he is with sense and explanations will eventually make it through his head. The utter betrayal a child feels when struck by their parents is inexplicable. The child has only you and you have betrayed their unwavering belief in you as an adult. Any reasonable adult would not just hit any child on the street, so why would their own child make any difference to a stranger? Kinship and blood should not be a leeway to excusing violence against your ward. That is illegal and gross and utterly disappointing. Naruto does not respect Minato anymore than he wasn't when he was hit. Minato's disciplinary methods were just edging towards him establishing superiority over his son and staking a claim on the fact that he is his son and he can do whatever it is imaginable to get him to listen, which is just ew and ineffective. Minato's words are what got through to Naruto, which then rendered the slap across the face, hard, pointless and just plain violent. Naruto listened, and talking to him would have been achievable if, you know, Minato regard him as an equal and use his words, which he didn't. When a parent strike their child, they demean their ward and it is a behaviour I can't accept no matter what the reason behind it is

I also understand that he is a fictional character and his actions are entirely up to how Kishi dictated. I do want to put it out there that I love and admire him, as a shinobi and a leader, but probably not as a parent and teacher, not after I've given out these points. Of course, they are only my own rambling thoughts and nobody is under any obligation to listen fully to what I say. You can argue and debate against it, of course, but I don't believe this will attract much traction, just keep it critical and respectful!

#minato namikaze #naruto #kishimoto #Some Rants #i just have a lot of feelings about this subject matter