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positivexcellence · 1 year

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Catching Up with Gen Padalecki

The run up to the holidays is packed with parties and festive events, gift buying, travel prepping and wrapping up all the loose ends of the year. Add to that running a business and a book club, acting, being a wife (to actor and entrepreneur Jared Padalecki) and mama of three (two boys and a girl), and things are busy for Genevieve Padalecki. We caught up with Gen, and talked about things from family and their new farm to two of her passions, books and towwn. Short for Take Only What You Need, towwn is a site she started with longtime friend Kelly Mickle to help people sustainably win the battle against burnout, both for themselves and the planet, with tips from eco-friendly kitchen swaps and sustainable sandals to self-care.

You’ve lived in Austin for more than 12 years, what advice would you give someone new to Austin?

Embrace the weird, always say ‘hi’ to your neighbor, don’t judge opinions and views that might differ from yours, rather try to understand where others are coming from.

What do you love about living in Austin?

I love the eclectic collaborative community. I've always felt like I could be completely myself here.

What are you most looking forward to this holiday season?

Family time.

How are you and your family celebrating the holidays this year?

We are doing things differently this year and giving our family an adventure.

What are some of your favorite holiday traditions?

I love all the decorating, crafting, and meal making. I find it therapeutic and I love when my kids propose the activity.

Do you have a recipe you love to make around the holidays?

We love cooking during the holidays and all the kiddos love to contribute. It can range from a great lasagna to a medium rare steak (cooked by our 10-year-old), to my husband's favorite, tomato soup with grilled cheese croutons. The holidays are so fun and gathering with friends and family for a meal is the best part.

How long have you had your book club?

I started my book club when we went into lockdown. I wanted a way to connect with people and have an outlet. I reached out asking for a “this or that” book pick for the month and Southern Book Clubs’ Guide to Slaying Vampires was a fan favorite. Next thing I know Grady Hendrix and I are zooming and chatting about his book. It’s been a wild couple of years and I am so inspired and feel so incredibly grateful for all the insightful, thoughtful and thought-provoking, stunning and beautiful writers I have been able to meet, converse and collaborate with because of it.

What are some you’d recommend for gifting this year?

Pony, Red, White and Royal Blue, The Overstory, Tribe, Letters to a Young Athlete, Why We Sleep and Into Thin Air.

How do you consume books? Do you prefer real books, audiobooks, kindle?

I prefer old-fashioned books I can hold in my hand. There’s something so wonderful about the sensory experience, the weight, the pages in between my fingers, turning a page, the smell of the binding. It just adds to the experience and for me is a delectable rush. I also love a good audiobook, especially with all the driving I do, but it all depends on the narrator.

What’s new with towwn?

towwn is growing so quickly and we’re incredibly proud of our community. We just launched our TikTok channel to help spread our anti-perfectionism message about the planet and ourselves to reach new audiences. We’re also building an informative and fun newsletter.

What do you hope to see in the evolution of TOWWN in 2023?

Our main focus is reaching people who want to find solutions to burnout for themselves and the planet, regardless of background and politics. We’re looking at hosting more events where we can bring people together for these kinds of conversations, curating products to help people solve these challenges. You can learn more on our Instagram @towwn.

You and Jared recently bought a farm…

Yes, we love nature and I’m obsessed with soil health and regenerative farming. I’m hoping we slowly let the land speak to us and thoughtfully nurture biodiversity and tend to the soil as best we can. I’d like to have rotational cover crops as well as grazing animals to contribute to this beautiful symbiotic relationship. It’s also nice having a refuge for our family to get messy and breathe in and get lost in the woods so to speak.

What accomplishment are you most proud of in 2022?

I'm most proud of my family. They are what I am so grateful for.

You went back to ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’ this season in flashbacks, any desire or plans on the horizon to return to more acting?

Definitely, if it works for our family schedule.

You and Jared have been married 12 years, any advice on having a marriage with longevity?

Marriage is the best and most amazing adventure in the world. And like farming, there are some good seasons and not so great ones. Marriage takes a lot of love and nurturing. Throughout our lives we change and evolve into many different people. So, in a partnership, you’re both constantly growing and it’s impossible to always grow together, whether in parallel lines or intertwined at the same time. The best advice that’s been helpful for me is to take time and try and understand where your partner is coming from, and before reacting to anything that maybe feels a bit incendiary or frustrating, give it 24 hours.

What’s something one of your kids did lately that surprised you or made you laugh?

Well, I'm currently watching my 8-year-old try and tell me U2 is the best band of all time I had no idea he knew U2! My oldest sang a song in mandarin at a school talent show and my youngest gave her best ‘Hocus Pocus’ rendition dancing on our kitchen table - all in the last 24 hours! I don't know why I'm surprised by their theater bug, but clearly it's shining through.

Quick Fire Questions

Favorite book of 2022: Four Treasures of the Sky by Austin’s own Jenny Tinghui Zhang was outstanding - and it was her debut novel

Last show you binged: House of Dragons & The Bear with Jeremy Allen White

Favorite method of self-care: Taking a time out for myself and remembering to be kind to myself and set that example.

Favorite restaurant to eat out: Emmer & Rye, Soto, WuChow

Favorite place to order in: Torchys

Go-to cocktail: Extra dirty martini or a good old fashioned beer is really my fav.

If you could have one superpower: To go back in time

#Genevieve Padalecki #melanie jacobs #lauren anderson #stephanie coultress-o'neil #jennifer birn #jenna mcelroy #austin life magazine

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redwineconversation · 1 year

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Lyon's Cheap Ass Screw-Top Pinot Noir (Arsenal - OL Postgame Thoughts)

Am I having fun with the wine puns? Yeah, kind of, not gonna lie.

Condolences to Arsenal, obviously you never want to see a player get injured, but I do want to point out that Lyon has shown a hell of more grace and humility towards Miedema getting injured than Arsenal fans ever accorded Carpenter.

Anyway, moving on, what did we learn from this match? Not a whole lot that we didn't already know, actually. But let's talk about this anyway because the other option is me having to finish the 85 million translations sitting in my drafts.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I do think Cascarino is criminally underrated, and I often wonder if she would be higher up in name recognition if she didn't hate social media so much and wasn't on a team who shares that same aversion. But to know Cascarino means to take the time to watch a team play rather than rely on social media content.

She's a really interesting player to watch. She is very, very talented and her flaw is almost that she is self-conscious about her talent. Cascarino tends to overthink too much: she wants to have the perfect control to play the perfect pass with the perfect touch to score the perfect goal. Perfectionism is fine, but sometimes it's just about shooting at goal and hoping for the best.

It's hard to argue she is a "big game player" but to argue the contrary is somehow inaccurate. She shows up a majority of the game for UWCL games, because it's there that she finds herself to be the most comfortable. Cascarino is a player who struggles against teams who park the bus - actually I think Lyon in general struggles in that situation - because it slows the pace down dramatically. She needs to be able to play quickly. Related, I do think that's why Carpenter and Cascarino work so well together, because they have similar bursts of speech and the one-two passes are more fluid.

Anyway, Arsenal played a great game against Lyon back in October, but a large part of that was because they could stroll up and down the right side with nay a care in the world. Last night Cascarino gave them quite a bit to think about, and we saw the difference that makes.

Cascarino is also notably a non-confrontational player, so her being unintentionally dragged into the van de Donk - McCabe spat did make me laugh a little.

Let's talk about McCabe: I frequently wonder what would have become of her if she was on a team with a stricter sense of structure and discipline. She's talented but reckless at the best of times, what would become of her on a team capable of curbing that? Guess we'll never know, but that doesn't stop us from wondering.

I thought Lyon's defense held up pretty well. Endler's save at the end felt like Endler was being, well, Endler again, and I think that's been missing the past few months. She's been having an off year but seems to be getting back to her previous level. I wish it had happened sooner but better late than never I guess.

Malard being subbed off in the 55th minute instead of playing the full 90 minutes for once felt like a fever dream. Still can't believe Bompastor saw reason even if it was probably only for one game.

I think van de Donk's substitution was due to a couple of factors: I don't think she was in the right head space following Miedema's injury and Lyon wasn't willing to gamble with that in a high stakes game (cf how Lyon reacted when Damaris got injured against Juventus). Second, putting Henry on allowed Lyon to be a bit stronger physically in transition.

Lyon won and it wasn't pretty - in fact it was up there for the ugliest win of the season. I hope this will just be an anecdotal win, lost eventually in the footnotes of Lyon's history.

The reason I say this is simply Lyon struggles a lot more against Juventus than they do against Arsenal. Every team has a thorn in their side, Lyon can't seem to get away from Juventus. The win last year in the Champions League was aided by Lyon's sheer hatred of losing and their desire for revenge. Hegerberg dragged Lyon over the finish line by the scruff of their neck.

But she won't be there on Wednesday, and Lyon doesn't really have an alternative. Yes, they will make it through with a draw. But Juventus knows they will make it through with a win, and will have seen enough Lyon games on tape to know how easy it is to put Lyon on the back foot if you press them hard enough. It doesn't take a lot for Lyon to doubt themselves these days.

So, yeah. We saw flickers of the old Lyon against Arsenal. But I maintain that what we saw wasn't enough to beat Juventus. We'll see if I am right on Wednesday night.

#all good love stories start in the rain

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jerrytrancomedy · 2 years

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I still like this photo. More now. Less back then, when I would cringe from imagining my protruding belly popping those shirt buttons. I'm grateful for this picture, though. It inspired me to change and be as strong as those buttons.

Dieting and weight loss are both complex and sensitive topics, so the point of this blog post/essay isn’t to give unsolicited advice or tell anyone what to do. All bodies and situations are different, and what worked for me may not work for someone else. What follows are only my thoughts regarding the inner transformation I experienced alongside the outer one. I write this hoping it provides some value to others. And to brag.

I used to think I looked like a grownup test tube baby of a Care Bear and the Pillsbury Doughboy's donated sperm. Probably not a surprise then that I was unhappy with my body and appearance, and I dealt with that unhappiness by avoiding and repressing it. Constantly sweeping dust under the carpet created a mean, filthy monster that eventually escaped and wreaked havoc inside me. I swore to fight back against this sad inner demon by improving my physical and mental health. I had wanted to work on both for quite some time but never did because I knew doing so would be hard, and I was soft. God forgot to turn on the timer, so he pulled me out of the oven way too early-soft. In grade school, when it was time to tumble in gym class, I would leave, hang out inside a restroom stall, and tip-toe back right before it ended-soft. Believing this for most of my life had me feeling hollow, like an empty roll of toilet paper.

A big reason it took me so long to get started on this particular journey (I'm 40) was having emotional baggage as far as the third eye could see. I lacked ambition because wanting meant doing, and in my mind attempting anything of consequence equaled failing. Mockery, humiliation, and shitty feelings that I did not want to feel would then follow. I could coast, though, and coast I did until I got tired of seeing life pass me by. Perfectionism also contributed to my inaction and inspired the only exercise I used to do: beating myself up. If I couldn't do something perfectly immediately, why even bother? There was no big epiphany-producing event like winning "Most Likely to Have the Next Midlife Crisis" at my twenty-year high school reunion either. That would have made for a better story. The simple, boring truth is I started to change once I stopped procrastinating. After seeing that swingset photo, I ordered a kettlebell and then celebrated by placing an order for Thai food on Uber Eats.

Once I finally started going to the gym regularly and watching what I ate, my overall sense of well-being began improving. I was also conflicted about the ugly truth of why I was doing this in the first place, which was for shallow, superficial, or aesthetic reasons if we want to be pretentious. I wanted to be hot but did not want to become one of those people I used to roll my eyes at from a distance. The meatheads, the aggro guys with too much testosterone, the wannabe fitness influencers. People I used to judge and was secretly a tad bit jealous of. Not wanting to waste any momentum, I kept moving, shrugged my shoulders, and said, "whatever it takes." Thankfully, over time, a greater purpose started to grow like a caterpillar doing pushups inside its cocoon.

Fortunately, severe hunger pangs from my diet’s calorie restriction weren't an issue. Unfortunately, occasional waves of fatigue and lethargy that swallowed me whole and left me in a zombie-like limbo between awake and asleep were. Those states usually led to taking a 1-2 week-long diet break, which I did every 6-8 weeks. The diet breaks helped with not having hunger pangs, as did doing PG-13 stuff to freshly-used peanut butter spoons. One embarrassing setback that happened was misreading the labels on the large chicken breasts I used to eat before becoming an ovo-vegetarian and counting all of them as 4 ounces. That threw a wrench in my calorie counting but buying a kitchen scale to weigh food resolved that issue. These stumbling blocks reminded me to slow down and be patient, a quality I often forgot or overlooked in the past. If I had rushed things, I probably would have made more mistakes, felt like a failure, and ended up quitting. Every painful reminder would have then been deleted, including the thirst trap photos, which, sad to say, would have been a personal tragedy.

A new identity started forming around sticking to a weight training program, adhering to my diet, and not burning my face while cooking. Those statements also turned into mantras after adding "I'm someone who..." in front of them. Whenever the road got bumpy, I would say them aloud with intense passion, which probably explains the looks I get from my next-door neighbor. And it worked! After dieting for more than a year and a half, I recently ended it. I’m happy with my effort and progress, even though I didn’t accomplish my initial goal of having Calvin Klein underwear model-like six-pack abs. After clinging to that target for so long, which I now realize was unrealistic since I’m still relatively new to lifting weights, my ego was bruised. I did not have enough muscle mass to be that ripped. That was when I begrudgingly accepted that not everyone has the genetics to sell overpriced tighty whities. Some are 5’6”, broad-shouldered, and built more like the starting fullback of whatever college football team the hobbits from Lord of the Rings went to, and that’s okay.

There were several practices I did that fostered this transformation. When perfectionism reared its ugly head, I practiced self-compassion by reminding myself that I’m a flawed human being just like everyone else. Self-compassion also made me realize that I'm worthy of self-love and respect just by existing. Viewing weight training and cooking as self-care and acts my future self would appreciate made it easier to do them consistently. The Most Valuable Practice award would have to go to meditation & mindfulness, though. I know it is not for everyone, but nothing has improved my life more than that habit. Greater awareness of my emotions and thoughts and not becoming attached to them allowed me to respond to life with a clear and calm mind. Specifically, regarding weight loss, the combination of meditation and weight training made me more present, grounded, and aware of my body. Gripping a barbell brings our focus to the here and now, similar to our breath during meditation. Doctor visits for injuries would've occurred, too, if I did bench presses, squats, and deadlifts with my head stuck in the past or stressed about the future. As someone who used to struggle with binge eating, mindfulness decreased the times I overindulged and ate past the point of fullness. Along the way, the negative narratives that used to play constantly in my mind stopped, revealing the real purpose of this journey. I wasn’t weak, lazy, undisciplined, and incapable of being the person I wanted to be. I was wrong and had never felt better. Also, if I sound too much like a stringy-haired, new-age hippy right now, please know that I got a haircut the other day and sometimes use conditioner.

I don’t think what I did here was special or unique, and I'm still very much a work in progress. The worst contestant on MasterChef Junior would angrily shake their tiny spatula at me after tasting my cooking. For months now, my entire apartment has been covered in protein powder. I'm still too hard on myself at times. I suspect I will continue to grow, make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them for the rest of my life. I also believe that everyone is capable of accomplishing hard yet meaningful goals. If anyone ended up reading this entire self-indulgent essay, then thank you. The least I could do is root for you as you keep traveling down your journey. Alright, time to go start bulking up so I can play Awkwafina's jealous and insecure ex in Shang-Chi 2.

photo by @photojuice

p.s. These are some of the resources I used that helped me the most with losing weight and getting in better shape. For nutrition and weight training, the websites Stronger By Science and Ripped Body both have a lot of great free content. For nutrition tracking and calorie counting, I use MacroFactor. In the beginning, I used Myfitnesspal, and I regret not using MacroFactor sooner because of how much better its layout and features are. It's not free, but if you can afford it, I definitely recommend it. “Atomic Habits” by James Clear is a must-read for anyone interested in forming new habits and sticking to them. Other recent books that influenced this post were “The Road Less Traveled” by M Scott Peck & “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff.

#weight loss #body recomposition #mental health #physical health #weight training #body transformation #inner transformation #inner healing

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illumtori · 6 months

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Conquering Procrastination: Strategies for Staying on Track

Have you ever found yourself scrolling through social media, knowing you have a looming deadline? You are not alone. In fact, a staggering 95% of us procrastinate to some degree. While it is a common challenge, chronic procrastination can be a significant barrier to achieving our goals.

This article isn’t about casting judgment or offering a one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, it is about understanding and overcoming procrastination in a way that is realistic and sustainable. Whether you are a student, a professional, or anyone in between, the strategies shared here are designed to help you move from being stuck in the “later” loop to taking action “today”.

Understanding Procrastination

Definition and Common Misconceptions

Procrastination is often misunderstood. It is not just about being lazy or disorganized. It is a complex psychological behavior. Procrastination is the act of delaying tasks or decisions, often against our better judgment. It is choosing more pleasant, less important tasks over the critical, yet potentially uncomfortable ones.But why do we do this? Psychologists believe it is not about time management, but about mood management. Procrastination is a coping mechanism for dealing with challenging emotions and tasks we perceive as daunting or unpleasant.

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Several factors contribute to why we procrastinate. Perfectionism, fear of failure, and a lack of motivation are common culprits. Procrastination is often rooted in a person’s fear of being evaluated, or their fear of not being perfect. Additionally, the instant gratification we get from engaging in something enjoyable, like watching a favorite TV show, often outweighs our rational understanding of the benefits of completing a long-term task. This immediate pleasure seeking can make procrastination a tough habit to break.

Identifying Your Procrastination Patterns

Common Types of Procrastinators

Not all procrastination looks the same. Identifying your specific type can be key to overcoming it. For instance, the “Perfectionist” procrastinates because they fear not being able to complete a task perfectly. The “Dreamer” avoids tasks due to a lack of detail orientation, while the “Crisis-Maker” believes they work best under pressure but often ends up stressed.

Self-Assessment Tips

To identify your procrastination style, ask yourself: Do I delay tasks hoping for the “right mood” or “perfect time”? Do I underestimate the time required for tasks? Reflecting on your answers can reveal patterns and triggers in your behavior.

Strategies to Overcome Procrastination

Time Management Techniques

Managing time effectively is crucial in conquering procrastination. Techniques like the Pomodoro Technique, where you work for 25 minutes and then take a 5-minute break, can be incredibly helpful. It breaks your work into manageable chunks and incorporates essential breaks to keep your mind fresh. Time blocking is another effective strategy. Allocate specific blocks of time to different tasks or activities. This not only helps in organizing your day but also sets clear boundaries for each task, making you less likely to drift off into procrastination.

Setting Realistic Goals

The way you set goals can significantly impact your tendency to procrastinate. Goals should be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Break larger goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. Each small victory will boost your confidence and motivate you to tackle the next task. Remember, it is not just about crossing off tasks on a list but about progress. Celebrate the small wins to keep your motivation high.

Creating a Productive Environment

Your environment plays a huge role in your productivity. A cluttered workspace can lead to a cluttered mind, which is a breeding ground for procrastination. Organize your workspace to minimize distractions. This might mean a clean desk, a noise-free environment, or having all your tools and resources at hand. Additionally, understand what kind of environment fuels your productivity. Do you work better in complete silence or with some background music? Tailoring your surroundings to your preferences can make a significant difference.

Building and Maintaining Momentum

The Role of Habits in Preventing Procrastination

Building productive habits is key to overcoming procrastination in the long run. Start small. It could be as simple as dedicating the first 30 minutes of your day to your most important task. Over time, these small habits accumulate and transform your productivity. Remember, consistency is more important than intensity. It is better to work a little towards your goal each day than to exhaust yourself with sporadic bursts of productivity.

Staying Motivated

Keeping the motivation alive can be challenging, especially with long-term goals. Setting regular reminders of why you are pursuing your goal can keep the vision clear in your mind. Visual aids, like a vision board or progress chart, can serve as constant reminders and sources of inspiration. Additionally, don’t underestimate the power of accountability. Sharing your goals with a friend or a mentor can significantly increase your commitment to them.

Case Studies and Success Stories

Consider the story of Anna, a freelance writer who struggled with procrastination. By using the Pomodoro Technique and setting realistic daily writing goals, she was able to complete her first novel in six months, something she had been putting off for years.

Another example is John, a student who often waited until the last minute to study for exams. By creating a study schedule and finding an accountability partner, he not only improved his grades but also reduced his stress levels significantly.

These stories illustrate that while the battle against procrastination is personal and unique, the triumph over it is universal and attainable with the right strategies.

Conclusion

Procrastination is a common hurdle, but it is not insurmountable. As we have explored, understanding the why behind your procrastination, identifying your personal patterns, and employing practical strategies can make a significant difference. From time management techniques like the Pomodoro method to setting SMART goals, and from creating a productive environment to building lasting habits, these tools are at your disposal to help you break the cycle of delay and distraction.

As you begin your efforts to conquer procrastination, be patient with yourself. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Celebrate the small wins, learn from the setbacks, and keep moving forward. Your goals are not just dreams; they are the destinations waiting at the end of a road paved with persistence, discipline, and self-compassion.

Follow our Instagram account for your daily dose of fun and inspiration!!

Looking for a productivity tool that can help you achieve goals, set budget, and be more productive? Come learn about Illumtori!

#self improvement #100 days of productivity #goals #productivity #personal growth #personal development #inspiration #motivation #achieve your goals

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driftingmoonmenace · 10 months

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Hi, hi! I saw your vent post and I hope it's okay if I drop here for a sec!

I just wanted to say that it's ok! Imposter syndrome is one of the toughest things to battle with, especially when it comes and latches to something that is important to us and we care about a lot. Because we want it to be good, but the image in our heads doesn't tend to match what we make and it brings a lot of self-doubt. And there are a lot of wonderful artists and writers in this fandom (you included!) and getting inspired is as easy as getting self-conscious about not feeling like you are doing as much or even enough. It's a feeling that sucks and combating it is very hard, because it takes time and trying to push back against those feelings whenever you recognize them.

So I would like to say, don't feel bad for feeling like this! It's not gonna help at all if on top of the anxiety you beat yourself up for feeling it at all.

I would like to assure you that what you make is very appreciated! Your style is characteristic, your designs are fun and pretty, and the stories you make are great!

From one self-perceived slow artist to another (I never know if my next drawing or writing of anything will come out in a month or several from the last!), I also want to say that I completely undertand how all that feels. I had a period of several years where I just was so burnt out that I didn't feel motivated to create anything for that amount of time. It's one of the hardest things to find how to find joy in what you make without worrying about numbers and people's reactions, and also letting yourself work at the pace that works for you. Perfectionism rears its ugly head to make projects anxiety inducing to the point there is so much prep work that we exhaust ourselves with the idea that all of that will not come out how we want anyways so trying is futile.

But that's perfectionism lying to you. Because there are so many things you can be proud of that you've made! All that time that you have put into them has gotten your skills all the way to where they are, and while I know amount of engagement is something that will make the doubts come back up frequently, I think it's necessary to take a deep breath and know that not a single moment of the time you've spent creating and sharing stuff has been wasted or not good enough. You have so much you have done because you allowed yourself to enjoy what you were making. And the happiness from that might make it seem like you have to push yourself to make, make, and make, because otherwise it will all go away, but pushing yourself like that might just make it all seem too much and too exhausting and it becomes something to dread instead of something to look forward to.

I know you probably know all this already, but hearing from someone else can be helpful sometimes if convincing yourself is difficult (which it is!)

I apologize if I overstepped a little and the vent post was meant to be just that, to express how you've been feeling. But just in case, I did want to leave this here. To let you know it's fine! It's fine to take your time and not push yourself if it means you can win against the anxiety, because going at your own pace is what allows you to create! It's also ok to not create for a while if it helps to detangle yourself from those feelings of inadequacy (in fact, maybe setting the objective of NOT thinking about creating at all could help, because then it's your goal to sit back and relax. Put a big pause button on everything and enjoy a small brain vacation!)

(Personally, I love your Club AU and I'm definitely looking forward to whatever you have planned with it! When AUs outside of the pizzaplex started coming out, yours was one of the first ones I came across and it has stayed in my mind since then! I'm 100% willing to wait, so there's no rush yeah? )

Your stuff is great! And if making and not sharing is what will help you right now, I say go for it! If you need a mental break from drawing, also go for it! Just make sure it's to help you take care of yourself and not beat yourself for it! You haven't "failed" in art, or in the fandom. Anxiety and expectations might have strained you a bit, and that's hurting right now, but it will heal and it will get better.

Aaaa sorry that this is so long and rambly! So I should probably end this here haha (also no pressure to respond to this!)

Take care, friend! <3

I can't thank you enough for all the such kind words and support, Chaotik!! And for the advice too!!!! I greatly appreciate all of it and wholeheartedly agree. 💕

Imposter Syndrome is such a difficult thing to deal with, it's true. And it's unfortunate that so many people suffer from it. (It's hard for me when anything I create that I deem 'good enough' feels like a fluke, then anything I deem otherwise feels like a failure.) Plus the added high expectations you tend put on yourself. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, especially something you feel is so ingrained in who you are. It's really exhausting when you feel like you gotta go, go, go all the time on top of all of that too!!

I def feel that with the whole 'idk when art/writing will happen' thing. Sometimes I'm on my A-game and can pump out a lot of stuff in a week. Then other times I'm barely managing to do anything for several months unless the stars magically align. It can get frustrating but I know there's no use in forcing myself since I've really burnt myself out over the years. Taking a step back to focus on myself is something I'm just now learning to get better at. And boy howdy have I improved on that front along with setting boundaries for myself since joining the DCA fandom with how wholesome and positive it is! It's still a work in progress, but progress is progress after all!

(btw you didn't over step or get rambly on me, so no worries on that, ok?) 👌💕

#menace ask

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vetiversstuff · 2 years

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Have your criticisms about the translation differences between Japanese and English dialogue for Sonic games, but I love how they portray Sonic and Tails’ relationship.

With the modern games, like Lost World and Colors, I appreciate the English version more because the interactions between Tails and Sonic are so brotherly and authentic. Like, of course they’re going to be snarky with each other, they grew up together. Tails has known Sonic his whole life. I think it’s super sweet, and you can tell they’re completely comfortable.

Sure, some of the dialogue falls flat, we still get our “Baldy McNosehair”s and “I’m supposed to be the fastest 😢😢 … sad piano music”(s) and much, much more, but overall I love seeing even a more jaded side of Sonic.

Sonic is witty, cool, a “carefree” type of guy, or at least, with the translations, that’s the direction they’ve been going in for English V. (for over 20 years). He’s very guarded and seemingly unbeatable/unstoppable, mentally and physically. But I feel like, especially with the mandates, seeing Sonic pick up a bit of cynicism is enough to see that the world around him even has an affect on him.

This kid, now teenager, has been in wars. Rebellions. Apparently tortured (?) or at least held captive for 6 months, completely isolated. He has to deal with a middle aged lunatic trying to kill him. Has to keep his brother safe (because what would he do without him?). He’s the face of hope. Everybody depends on him to save the day. Nobody can really protect him, I mean as far as somebody as strong as him that he can rely on equally (other than Shadow [who is probably still slightly weaker than Sonic], but that guy is having his own crises and shit, etc. doesn’t even seem to “like” Sonic and I don’t have high hopes for SEGA’s depiction of him in the Prime universe). Sure, he’s just a “guy that loves adventure” but at what point is that not even fun anymore? When is the adventure not worth the risk of losing somebody? At what point does it turn from “adventure” to “I’m not sure I can keep doing this,” or “Will I even be able to win this time?”.

It’s one of the reasons I love Boom!Sonic. He does his job, and he enjoys life for the most part, but it’s slightly refreshing to see part of him that’s just fed up with dealing w bullshit all the time. You can tell he’s tired, no matter how he chooses to carry himself (that be his ego, [defense mechanism], obsession with reputation [insecurity], perfectionism [can’t allow himself to lose or he’ll be a failure, Jesus this guy needs help]). But it’s good that we can see he has character development in knowing he can depend on his team to support him. I just feel like we’ve yet to see this enough in Prime.

I am optimistic though. Paramount has single-handedly revived Sonic. I literally can not stress enough how amazing the movie’s impact has been, or how great the team is that worked on these movies. They are literally our lord and savior. And definitely no thanks to SEGA. I just know for a fact that they knew they went against everything SEGA wants for Prime Sonic and did it anyway.

Sonic Wachowski, though many have covered this, is the best thing that has happened to Sonic in a really really freaking long time. This 13 year old boy has absolutely shaken everything, has opened so much potential and opportunity with Sonic’s character, but only if SEGA will take it.

We see Sonic with real and obvious motivation, his family, friends. We see his vulnerability, we see a real person, an oh-so-incredibly human version of Sonic that WORKS. REALLY WELL. And he recognizes that he’s just a kid! There are actually consequences from actions.

We see an opening for something many Sonic fans have been fighting for for such a long time, a real story! A good story! Let Ian Flynn write the characters! Let him do what he wants with Frontiers. Let the team working on Sonic Prime (Netflix) write an actual compelling plot. Let people expand on Sonic’s character, allow him to be three dimensional. Provide explanations, show weaknesses. Let the guy LOSE for god’s sake, and then show his strength in persevering despite. Develop relationships, the characters we already have! I want Shadow and Sonic teaming up again, just give me ONE conversation where they confide in each other. Two people who refuse to be vulnerable, showing each other weakness in desperation. Show Sonic and Tails arguing! I want Sonic to be scared of losing Tails! And show them coming to understand each other. Let Sonic see that Tails isn’t the baby he practically raised all these years ago anymore. Show Amy and Sonic having an actual conversation, just messing with each other or being casual! Let them talk about stupid shit! Sonic is allowed to appreciate her company. I could go on and on, man.

This has turned into a whole rant, but I’m really passionate about this topic, especially since SEGA has been allowed such a immense, blatant chance at redemption they only have to take ONCE to create a new pattern for themselves. Break the curse.

#This turned into a Sonic character analysis #sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #sonic rant #If people even see this I might do more with concepts and shit I have so much to say #So many ideas #I love good dialogue so much it’s the most important thing ever 2 me #sonic movie #character study #sonic and tails #I still don’t know how to do the READ MORE thing on mobile super sorry for long post

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wheezyandchesterwrite · 3 years

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Daydreams and Tickles ~ Ruby Martinez

Summary: You get distracted while Ruby rambles.

Word count: 3.3k

Pairing: Ruby Martinez x Fem!Latina!Reader

Warnings: Tickling, Kissing, Suggestive dialogue (Innuendos, dirty jokes, etc) If we missed something let us know!

A/N: Hiya, it’s been a while, we are going to try to post at least a monthly one shot, but won’t make any promises. Hope you all that read this enjoy this!

You were awoken by the sound of notifications going off loudly. You stirred around on your bed, trying to ignore the cacophony of dings your phone kept emitting. Groggily, you made a mental note to silence your phone from now on. When you could finally look at the screen without it blinding you, you scrolled through the seemingly endless string of texts Ruby had sent to the group chat, “The Gnomies”. Yes, Jamal came up with it. Yes, everyone tried to change it, but he just kept changing it back so they gave up. You groaned as you read the messages. ‘Be here at one on the dot,’ the last message read, ‘mandatory meeting’. That was less than half an hour from now. Lazily getting out of bed, you started getting ready. After brushing your teeth and making your hair look somewhat presentable, you threw together an outfit that resembled a picture you had seen on Pinterest after looking up ‘grunge aesthetic’. You liked trying out different styles constantly, feeling like every single one of them suited you, but none of them could get you to commit to them for more than a month. Satisfied with the way you looked, you left your room, grabbed your keys and skateboard, and started to skate your way to Ruby’s house. Midway, though, you decided to take a detour and get some food—junk food, to be precise—knowing that you would not be able to handle a hyperactive Ruben on an empty stomach.

You left the joint with two bags full of food, hoping bribery would get you out of being lectured by Ruby about punctuality. You balanced the bags on both hands like a scale as you focused on not falling from your board on the way there. Making the last turn to Ruby’s house, you miscalculated the speed you were going at and had to hop off the board, letting it crash against the curb. Though you fell on your ass, you made sure to hold the food up keeping it safe and sound. Holding both bags in one hand, you retrieved your skateboard and walked up to the door, but it flung open before you could even think about knocking. Ruby stood on the other side with a scowl. You smiled sheepishly, extending one of the bags to him.

“You’re very late! Did you get me fries with that? Also where are the others?!" Ruby said all in one breath.

"First of all, I know I'm late, but I'm sorry to inform you that you are not more important than food.” Ruby scowled and was about to protest, but you kept speaking before he could utter a word. “Secondly, yes, I did get you fries, you impatient goblin. I mean, what do you take me for? A monster?” You pretended to be offended, but Ruby simply looked annoyed by the dramatic display. “Just know that when I win my first Oscar I will not be thanking you, Ruben.”

“Yeah, yeah if you say so—also don’t call me that. Can you get to the most important question now?”

“Damn, someone hasn’t had their daily handy.” You laughed in astonishment, amused by how much irritation Ruby had in him.

“Seriously, Y/N, this is serious!” His voice raised an octave, causing it to crack, and you had to bite back a laugh.

“A la jaula, bestia, a la jaula,” you began, laughter causing your words to come out like wheezes. Ruby spared you one death stare, and you somehow found your composure. “Look, I have no idea where everyone else is. I, honestly, thought everyone was already here and that you were waiting on me.”

“So, you thought they were here and didn’t think to bring them food?” Ruby questioned.

“Do I look like I have enough money to feed todos esos trogloditas? I brought you food with hopes of getting out of the ‘Punctuality Lecture’, but seeing as they aren’t here, guess that spares me.” You dropped the skate on the entryway, pushing past Ruby to sit on the couch.

“And here I was beginning to think you favored me from the rest.” Ruby sighed with disappointment before raising his voice dramatically. “When in reality, it was just BRIBERY!” he exclaimed, his voice cracking once more as he fake sobbed while clutching the food. You clapped as you opened your food, ready to dig in.

“Damn, man, I better watch out, otherwise you’re probably going to win that Oscar before me,” you said as you began stuffing your face.

“Are you calling me dramatic?” He placed his free hand over his heart.

“Oh, without a shadow of a doubt, now sit down and eat.” With your fork, you pointed at him then towards the couch. Instead of sitting, he started pacing around the coffee table, and you watched him as you munched on your sandwich and fries. He stopped for a second to place his bag of food down, yet he didn’t sit down to eat it. He kept going around the small table at a pace too quick for your eyes to keep up without feeling dizzy. “Wow, man, slow down. Me mareas con tus vueltitas.” He only huffed. “Ruben, seriously, I did not buy that for you to let it go to waste. At least breathe and stress eat.” He whipped around at the mention of his full name.

“I thought I told you not to call me that,” he reminded you exasperatedly. “Anyway, I can’t eat right now. I have many thoughts whirring in my brain, and it’s making me sick. Do you know why I called you guys here? Well, if you’re here, you must have read the messages—” Ruby was rambling on and didn’t even stop in between sentences to take a breath so you cut him off.

“RUBEN!” He ceased all movement so abruptly that a skid mark could’ve possibly been seen in the spot where he stopped. “Could you get to the point,, please? You’re making my head hurt.” You completely ignored his previous statement and pressed the tips of your fingers to your temples. Rolling his eyes at you he sat on the other end of the couch and took his food out. After a few angry munches, he turned to face you, the grease of the food that was plastered on his mouth drawing your attention to his lips.

“Alright, since the others aren’t here yet, I’ll just start telling you my new ideas for income.” He stopped eating and started chattering and chattering and chattering…

You don’t know when it happened, but at some point, he stood up and began pacing around the living room again. You stopped listening about half an hour into his ramble, zoning out and staring blankly at him. Your mind got the best of you, and you started to remember why you liked Ruby. What brought this on? You didn’t know. Maybe it was how much passion he put into his pointless arguments, or maybe even that you found it totally adorable that he was practically unable to lie because he would start sweating like a pig on a stick. Maybe it was the way he smiled at you, the tendency he had to correct everything you said matter-of-factly, or maybe it was his dangerously absurd perfectionism. It could be one of his many qualities, good or bad, you didn’t care. Your eyes trailed to his lips once more. They were so full and pink it was hard not to stare—slightly chapped too, but that wasn’t a problem to you. You imagined running your thumb over them, pulling them close to yours and then just crashing them together. Your breath hitched in your throat at the thought of you and Ruby making out. It wasn’t an uncommon thought of yours, seeing as you’ve been dreaming about it happening almost every night since you discovered what hormones could do.

There was always Cesar, you thought. He was the “face” of the group after all, but that got to his brain sometimes. Nothing more dangerous than a cholo who’s aware of his good looks. You grimaced slightly. Cesar’s ego was one of the many reasons why you never developed an emotional nor carnal liking to the boy. You’d rather leave him to Monse, plus you wouldn’t dream of getting caught in the middle of their toxic and manipulative games. But that’s beside the point. You were abruptly brought back to reality by Ruby waving his hands in front of your face, occasionally snapping his fingers. Shaking your head to shake out the thoughts, you noticed Ruby was now standing on top of the coffee table, being careful not to step on either of your foods.

“PAY ATTENTION TO ME, (Y/N)!” Ruby whined. You held back a chuckle at how funny he looked. His small body barely added to the coffee table’s weight. Deciding to play it cool, you shrugged nonchalantly.

“What’s your fuzz? I am listening to you. Have been for the past hour and a half.”

Ruby squinted his eyes at you. “No, you weren’t. I know that face. You were very deep in your thoughts. What’s going on in that pretty, little head of yours?” You freaked internally.

He’s onto us, you told yourself. “Yes, I am onto you, (Y/N), that’s why I asked. Keep up.” He looked at you like you were stupid. Wait how did he—Can he read my mind? Blink twice if you can read my mind. Ruby blinked twice, and you felt like a rock dropped in your stomach.

“Oh shit,” you whispered under your breath.

“Before you throw up on my couch, I’ll have you know I can’t read your mind. You were just speaking out loud.” You threw yourself backwards unto the couch, grabbing a pillow to cover your face. After making a mental note to slam your head against the nearest wall later, you decided you were not going to make a further fool of yourself.

“I wasn’t not paying attention; I was just—”

“I am the king of bad excuses, babe, so spare me your lies.” You blushed at the nickname and prayed he wouldn’t notice. “Now since there is obviously something more important on your mind, speak,” he demanded.

You weighed your options. You could either try to lie and hope he’d let you off the hook, which was not likely, or you could tell him the truth and risk your friendship being awkward from now on if he didn’t feel the same way—and with your luck he most likely didn’t. A few more silent seconds passed before Ruby spoke once more, “Don’t make me take drastic measures on you, (Y/N). I will have no mercy.” He eyed you with determination. You scoffed in disbelief.

“What could you possibly do to torture me, Ruben?” You mocked him, stretching out his name. Ruby smirked.

“Oh, you’ve done it now.” He jumped from the coffee table, landing on top of you and successfully pinning you to the sofa. You giggled and tried to get away from his grip, but it was surprisingly strong. Ruby chuckled at your failed attempts to break free. “Now, you’re going to tell me what I want to know, or else,” he brought his lips close to your ears, “you’ll pay for it with your melodious laughter.” Your eyes widened in realization as his words sank in.

“No, not the tickles,” you begged him playfully. He nodded while mischievously smirking.

“One last chance, are you gonna talk?” You shook your head.

“In your dreams,” you defied.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” In seconds, his hands went to your sides and laughter erupted from your throat in loud cackles.

“Stop, Ruby—Stop!” you tried to articulate between laughs. He shook his head no.

“Not until I get what I want.” He said between laughs as well, since in retaliation, you had managed to start tickling him as well. The sound of his own laughter mixed with yours was like music to your ears.

“N—Never!” You still mutinied. His fingers only increased their pace and not in ways you’d like. Your stomach was starting to hurt and you were running out of breath, leaving you with just one option. Well, it was now or never.

“I WAS THINKING ABOUT KISSING YOU,” you blurted; his movements ceased, “I have been since we were in middle school.” You closed your eyes, concentrating on catching your breath. Ruby released you and got off of you, running his hands through his hair in deep thought. You sat up and covered your face with your hands. “This is going to be so awkward now,” you muttered through your hands but it came out like an incoherent jumble of sounds. You moved your hands to sneak a peek at Ruby. Your muffled words didn’t even faze him.

“Ruby?” You looked over at him. His eyes met yours, and he struggled to bite back a laugh. Great, you thought, he thinks I’m a joke now.

“About time.” He grumbled and sighed.

“What?” You were very confused. What could he possibly mean by that?

“I said ‘about damn time,’ (Y/N).” His suppressed laughs turned to a shy grin. Still confused as ever, you tried your best to gather your thoughts and form a coherent sentence.

“Wait, YOU KNEW?” You felt sick to your stomach now. All this time, you thought you had been successful at keeping your feelings hidden and sealed away, but now it turns out even he knew.

“Well, yeah, I’ve known for a couple of months now.” He shrugged it off as if it were obvious.

“Months?!” This was unbelievable. You abruptly stood up and faced him, hands on your hips. “So, you’ve known for months and you didn’t think for one second to tell me? At least, have the decency to confront me, damn it.” You found yourself feeling dumbfounded, feeling toyed with. Ruby reached out to you, holding on to your forearm and pulling you back to sit on the couch. You let him.

“Cesar and Jamal implied it once during one of our guy’s nights, and ever since then, I kind of started paying more attention. Ergo, leading me to the conclusion that you liked me,” he explained. “If it makes you feel any better, the clues to your feelings were very subtle so, I would have probably never noticed if it hadn’t been brought up.” Ruby was trying his best to cheer you up, but you still felt extremely embarrassed by the fact that your secret crush wasn’t so secret.

“Why would they even bring that up, in the first place?” you questioned, annoyed.

“Well, I may or may not have made a comment about how I thought I was starting to develop feelings for you and the guys just jumped on that and told me that you liked me too,” Ruby admitted shyly, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

“So, if you like me back, then why didn’t you say anything or make a move when you figured out I actually felt the same way?” You felt bad for interrogating him like that, but you were in dire need of answers.

“I just didn’t know how to bring it up, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have known how to say I liked you back without, probably, choking on my own saliva.” He chuckled lowly, afraid that if he laughed too loud, he’d set you off again. “You know I’ve never been good with the ladies, (Y/N).” You grimaced at the memory of all of Ruby’s failed love attempts.

“Well, you already knew I liked you—it was a matter of saying three words, eight letters,, and I would’ve been yours months ago.” You pushed his shoulder playfully, the anxiety and embarrassment you had felt washing of and making room for the still-settling realization of having confessed your feelings. Ruby leaned back into you, your legs brushing, causing you to take notice of your proximity. Your hands fell upon each other’s, and you looked up to meet his eyes. You started leaning in, maintaining eye contact as you got closer.

“Ruby,” you started, but he shook his head.

“Don’t think, act,” he said as he grabbed the back of your neck, crashing your lips together. All your late night fantasies crashed at once, the real thing surpassing each and every one of them. Kissing Ruby felt like a kaleidoscope of butterflies got loose in your stomach—it felt like your heart alone was running a marathon. Kissing Ruby was soft and messy, your lack of experience shining through-. Ruby kept pressing himself to you, making sure there was absolutely no space between you. You had to resort to lying down, pulling Ruby on top of you, not once breaking the kiss. Due to the new position, one of his hands made its way to rest on your waist and the other cupped your cheek. Your hands around his neck were pulling him impossibly closer, and in that moment, your body felt like it was exploding with fireworks, warm all over. You didn’t break away until you needed to breathe, a goofy smile plastering itself on your face. Ruby held the same expression as you as he looked down at you. As you started leaning in for another kiss, the door burst open. You pushed Ruby off of you, causing Ruby to fall on the ground with a thud.

“Uh, what’s going on here?” Jamal asked.

“Told you guys it would work.” Cesar had the biggest, cockiest smirk on his face. You and Ruby shared a confused look and stared back at the very late rest of the crew.

“Yep, just like you said. A couple of hours alone, and they were all over each other.” Monse said, trying her best to refrain from laughing.

“I think our little man, Ruby, just popped his cherry.” Cesar wiggled his eyebrows. Monse’s eyes widened and she broke down laughing.

Irritated enough, you finally spoke up, “Slow your roll, Little Spooky, we’re not like you and Monse.” You shot at him defensively, and Monse choked on her laughter. “No offense,” you added, not wanting to stir up any drama.

“None taken,” Cesar assured. Ruby got off the ground and reclaimed his seat beside you.

Leaning over, he whispered, “Why can’t we be like them?”

“Keep it in your damn pants, Ruben.” You nudged his side and he raised his hands in surrender.

In retaliation, though, Cesar sat between you and Ruby. You shared a look of annoyance before Cesar asked, “Are you going to finish that?” referring to the forgotten leftover cluttering the small table.

“Go crazy.”

“Suit yourself,” you and Ruby at the same time.

As Cesar dug in Jamal spoke up, “Can we just skip to the part where Ruby yells at us for being late and starts talking non-stop?”

“No, man, not today.” Everyone looked bewildered. “Cesar why don’t you take that home? Yes, okay, bye,” Ruby dismissed him.

“Wait, woah, the hell man?” Cesar questioned as Ruby used all his might to get him off the couch.

“You can all come back tomorrow, on time, and we’ll talk about my idea.” He said shooing them all away.

“Are you freaking serious?” Monse got angry quickly.

“Hey, not my fault you decided to play cupid and be late on purpose.” Cesar, Jamal, and Monse shared looks of pride at Ruby’s statement. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some wasted time to make up for with my new girlfriend so, bye!”

“Whatever you say, man,” Cesar said as he opened the door with one hand, the leftovers in the other. When Jamal and Monse were outside he said, “Just remember sin gorrito no hay fiesta.” He immediately shut the door after himself, but that didn’t stop Ruby and you from yelling after him.

“Fuck off, Cesar!” You both yelled with smiles on your faces as you looked at each other. With everyone else gone, Ruby cupped your cheek once more and tenderly kissed you until you had to head back home. That night you slept peacefully, no longer having to dream and wonder about how kissing Ruby would feel like.

Taglist: @steveisherdaddy @apotatoinabigfield @xlostinobsessionsx @izjustafaze @yourlocalwhitemanwhore

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newt-and-salamander · 3 years

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Okay, so here are my thoughts on Secrets of Dumbledore based on what we recently learned from the synopsis:

Professor Albus Dumbledore knows the powerful Dark wizard Gellert Grindelwald is moving to seize control of the wizarding world. Unable to stop him alone, he entrusts Magizoologist Newt Scamander to lead an intrepid team of wizards, witches and one brave Muggle baker on a dangerous mission, where they encounter old and new beasts and clash with Grindelwald's growing legion of followers. But with the stakes so high, how long can Dumbledore remain on the sidelines?

First of all: “Secrets of Dumbledore” is a quite boring name (I mean a few people even (almost) guessed it before) but I think it’s practical. It can refer (obviously) to Albus, but also to Credence/Aurelius, Aberforth, Ariana, … and whoever might be a secret Dumbledore. (Jacob? Picket?!? Everyone, probably.) Taking into account the author’s ominous “answers are given” she once said about FB3, I believe in the end we will know how exactly Credence, Dumbledore and Grindelwald are connected.

Also, I wonder how much the film really will be about Dumbledore? “Crimes of Grindelwald” wasn’t really about Grindelwald after all. I imagine it to be about Dumbledore and his family in the beginning, probably some flashbacks, then he gives Newt some kind of a mission. The main part of the film could be about Newt and his team trying to accomplish that mission, and in the end (maybe when Newt fights his duel with Grindelwald), Dumbledore realises that not everything turned out as he planned (or did it?) and decides that “the stakes are too high to remain on the sidelines”. The question is if he will be able to openly move against Grindelwald, that depends on the blood pact and maybe on whether Newt is able to accomplish his mission. Or maybe, Grindelwald fighting Newt already counts as moving against Dumbledore so he will break the blood pact first? But I rather think, both Dumbledore and Grindelwald are too smart to break the pact on accident – we don’t know of the consequences they would have to face if they violated the pact, but I don’t doubt they would be terrible.

What made me frown at first, but happy after I gave it some more thought, was the idea of Newt as a team leader. Because – I don’t really see him as a leader. He’s a private and quiet person. But (and this is the good part) he is also an absolute expert for magical beasts. So, if he is to lead a team, it is certainly because of something beast-related! And I love this possibility. It’s “fantastic beasts” after all, and in my opinion, the creatures are the most magical part of the films!

What are Newt and his team doing on their journey? I can see two main possibilities here: a) looking for a way to destroy the blood pact, b) looking for a way to properly separate an Obscurus from its host. A blood pact seems to be a very powerful kind of magical bond/object, but let’s not forget that Harry managed to destroy a Horkrux with a Basilisk’s fang – so maybe there are other beasts with strong curse-breaking abilities? As for the Obscurus, we know that Newt has tried before with a girl, but she died. We just don’t know if this was because he hadn’t perfectionated the spell yet, or if he just came too late to save her.

So, who is on the team? Jacob for sure, I don’t know another brave Muggle baker. I’m also sure Bunty will come along as it was said that she will be much more important in this film, and she also is a beast expert. Tina? Hopefully! Nagini and Yusuf Kama? Probably, because otherwise, what would be their purpose (sorry)? Theseus? Nah, he’s a ministry man, I suppose he will concentrate on politics. (And I can’t really see him being bossed around by his little brother. :D But it would be lots of fun. Maybe he will be on the Berlin part of the mission because I don’t imagine lots of creatures living there.) Then we have the ominous Eulalie Hicks who has to fit in somehow, but we don’t know enough about her at this point to know whether she will rather accompany Newt or maybe will be more of a kind of advisor for Dumbledore. And, of course, I wonder if we will see Flamel again? He’s an alchemist, so maybe he has some ideas about how to destroy a blood pact.

Regarding “old and new beasts”, we will certainly see Pickett and the Niffler (they are just too popular now and can’t be left out. Also, I’m rather sure Newt won’t go anywhere without Pickett. The Niffler has proven to be rather useful, especially now that he can track Tina’s footsteps, hehe. Okay, stealing the blood pact also was rather useful I admit). I wonder if we might also see Frank again, maybe connected to Eulalie. I really hope to see the Zouwu, I just loved her and maybe that’s (part of) the reason for a trip to China? As for new beasts… I have no idea and I doubt that my current copy of Mr Newt Scamander’s book will be a great help because some of the creatures weren’t featured in it before they appeared on screen. But I’m sure we will see a lot of the Phoenix (Fawkes?) because it/he is clearly connected to the Dumbledores. And what about the Kelpie? It still appears a little strange to me that Newt’s scene with it in CoG wasn’t cut for time as it has no connection to the plot - unless it has and we just have to find out.

It is also mentioned that Newt and his team will clash with Grindelwald’s followers. It’s obvious that this will involve Credence who is going to have a scene with Dumbledore (I think Jude Law said something like that, about having a scene with Ezra set in Berlin?). I also really hope we will see a lot of Queenie and learn more about her motivation because although we were shown her reasons to join Grindelwald in CoG, it didn’t really convince me. I especially hope for a scene with her and Tina, but… well, let’s just hope, okay? Another one of Grindelwald’s followers who I think has a very interesting role is Grimmson. He’s an undercover spy (so there’s a lot of potential for dramatic scenes where he turns out to be a traitor and turns against the ministry) and also it’s implied that he and Newt have some kind of a backstory (although that also wasn’t too clear in the film, but you could learn from the script that he hunts down magical creatures – and that’s most likely the reason why Newt and he hate each other, although it’s possible they had some more personal connection in the past… maybe fought together in the war or worked at the Ministry and were both disgusted by the other’s methods). I personally think he would be a great antagonist for Newt because their hatred for each other is so personal and natural, maybe Newts has a stronger dislike for him than for Grindelwald (much like Harry hated Snape more than Voldemort). But well, we know that in the end it will be Newt against Grindelwald…

…and that’s a point that worries me. Newt is astonishingly capable of getting himself out of dangerous situations with the help of his beasts, and he has already once defeated Grindelwald together with Tina, the Swooping Evil, and all of MACUSA’s Aurors. If this epic battle scene in the end is a 1:1 Newt against Grindelwald I see… well I don’t really see a way Newt could possibly win this fight. He’s clearly a really capable wizard but duelling is not his main interest. It might be enough to trick traffickers and escape, but we have already seen him in the NY underground fighting Grindelwald and I don’t know how it would have ended for him if Credence and Tina hadn’t interrupted the scene. Let’s see how he get’s out of the situation this time (and nope, please don’t let anybody sacrifice him- or herself for Newt, I want them all to be happy and alive… but if somebody is going to die for Newt I assume it’s either Bunty or Theseus. But, as I just said, this is definitely not going to happen because I love them all very much, so there’s no need to discuss that). I just hope the film doesn’t end with a cliff-hanger like Newt being defeated and taken hostage… because I cannot possibly wait at least another two years to learn how they solve this. Also, I have no idea if – from a marketing point of view – that would be a very good or a very bad idea. I think everyone just wants to see Newt happily together with Tina at the end of the 3rdfilm, but… who knows.

Anyway, these are my thoughts on Secrets of Dumbledore up to this point. I am super excited just thinking about the fact that we will get photos and a trailer soon!

#fantastic beasts the secrets of dumbledore #fantastic beasts 3 #fantastic beasts theory #fbtsod #fantastic beasts #newt scamander #tina goldstein #albus dumbledore #gellert grindelwald #jacob kowalski #queenie goldstein #theseus scamander #bunty

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shespeaksinsongs · 3 years

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You Are My New Fear | Letters To My Mom

TW: MOMMY ISSUES, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND ANXIETY.

Me in my game room at about five years old.

I wish somebody would have told me that that smile I used to slather onto my face so effortlessly would soon become something I forced. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but it's best to be prepared in any case.

"What's your biggest fear?" My elementary best friend asked, kicking her feet giddily under the table. We were still too little to reach the floor.

"Drowning." I'd say, with a panicked look on my face, growing pale at the mere thought of dying that way.

"What are you most afraid of, hija?" My dad asked on our regular morning car rides to school.

"Drowning." I'd say, without even thinking twice. The answer was almost prepared, seeing as how casually it rolled off my tongue.

"What's your biggest fear?" My friend asked in the comfort of her room, watching as I shifted uncomfortably in my spot on her bed.

"Becoming my mother." I'd say wishing that drowning was the most of my worries.

I don't know when my default answer of drowning to death switched to the terrifying idea that I would, one day, become my mother. Still, somewhere along the lines, those little moments that I would suck up to my mom and gift her pretty pictures I spent hours working on and picking daisies from my backyard for her turned into scheduling my crying for nighttime when everyone was asleep.

Slowly but surely, I became uneasy about the idea of marriage, fearing that I'd only ruin it and become a wife like my mother. The idea of having children scared me to the point where I felt I would rather sacrifice my own happiness so that my children wouldn't have to live to see the day I turn into my mom.

Because in my eyes, my mom is a monster. She's not the kind of monster that has big, sharp teeth and scary yellow eyes, and a menacing growl. She's the kind of monster that you would never suspect. She's the bloody hand, but you were the accomplice. She was the screwdriver, but you were the loose screw. Sure, she hurt you, but you let yourself be hurt by her - so really, whose fault was it?

My mom is the kind of monster that uses your vulnerability against you in the worst way possible.

"I'm just not feeling good right now. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel tired all the time." My sixth-grade self, awkwardly positioned in the passenger's seat, turning my head away from my mom.

"Well, you know we care about you." My mom said, stoic in her demeanor and ultimately still in how she held her body up.

It was a day I'll never forget. She picked at her fingernails and anxiously tapped the gas pedal, waiting for me to be done talking about my emotions so she could drive back "home."

Warm tears stung my eyes, forcing their way down my face in slow streams. "You don't get it, I-" I stopped, knowing it wasn't worth it to try to make my mom understand feelings she'd been adamant didn't exist.

"Ay, don't be so dramatic." My mom said, waving her hand up to dismiss me and my silly ideas. She was right. I wasn't depressed or anxious, and I definitely didn't look for any excuse possible to threaten suicide against myself. My mom said so.

I don't know why I kept running back to her in times of need. Maybe it was my dream version of her that I relied on to justify my ever-growing love for her. Feasibly, it was the person I wanted her to be. And perhaps, just perhaps, my expectations of her drove me to the point where I'd convinced myself my mother was the person I saw when I closed my eyes at night.

I remember telling her things, spreading rumors I'd heard about people in the family, hoping that it would make us closer. The things I did just to make her happy...

"Mom, I'm trying my best!" I cried on the floor, cleaning up the mess my new puppy had made. She'd pooped and peed all over the kitchen. I was exhausted, previously knocked out in my bed, when my mom called me downstairs, screaming for me to get my ass down there.

"No, you're not! You never try! You're useless! I should've never had you!" My mom yelled from the bottom of her heart (or lack thereof).

Tears welled in my eyes for the millionth time because of my mother. This wasn't the first time she'd wished me dead, and it sure wouldn't be the last time. "Mommy, please just leave me alone and let me clean up." I begged, letting broken sobs come out of my mouth. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me.

My mom refused to leave, yelling at me, watching as I piteously scraped my dog's contents off the wall.

It's sad that the only good memories I have of my mom are those I couldn't participate in. Instead, I have stories of her youth and how caring of a mother she used to be when I was a baby - conveniently so far back that I can't remember it. It pains me more knowing how she was before she had me, her firstborn. If she were this way her whole life, would I take it so personally?

Am I dramatic for wishing I had a mother who could hug me back when I hugged her? Am I a selfish and pathetic bitch for feeling envy when I see how my friends' moms act with them? Why can't my mom love me the way she loves her? Why does my mom have more pictures of her first niece than she does of me? What did I do to her?

"Mommy, mommy! Look!" I said, running up to my mother, holding my report card in the air like a shiny new toy - all A's.

"Nice job, Fio. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great. Keep it up." My mom said softly, pulling me into a warm hug. Somehow, that was all I needed - that's all I wanted. It really is a shame that that memory is fake.

I have plenty of other fake memories that I store in my head, letting the (also fake) backstories take over my mind when I go to sleep. For one of them, I was romping around on an old swing set, one that made little squeaky noises whenever I swung too high.

Somehow, I lose control of the swing, and my mom comes rushing up to me, worried and begging for me to tell her how she could help. I don't know when or how she got there (my dad was usually the one to take me to the park), but what I do know is she's exactly who I needed there at that moment.

So many real memories I have of me needing my mother most, waiting for the day she would actually turn up in one of them. She was always the first to pick me up in school lines. She was always at my open houses. She attended every grade promotion I had. But she was never there. It was all a facade. She'd said so herself that she craved being the all-star mom, the one who'd win several gold medals if there were award ceremonies for that sort of thing.

Her perfectionism is what makes her corrupt. She has spent my entire life telling me what to do, how to do it, scolding me for not doing it the way she imagined me doing it in her head.

She refused to seek help when that's all I wanted her to do.

"What do you want for your birthday, hija?" My dad asked, glancing at me while keeping his eyes fixed on the road, humming along to a Christmas carol playing on the radio.

"Honestly, dad?" I asked, only twelve years old, my green eyes twinkling in hope.

"Whatever your heart desires." My dad said in a goofy voice, making me smile.

"I want Mom to get help." I said sadly, hoping my dad would agree and push the idea upon my mom.

My mother went to therapy for four months. My dad had to pay her every session for her to go. In my mom's life, money has never been an obstacle. Her father was a middle-high class socialite in Venezuela who worked in engineering and oil companies. Her mother, who passed away of Leukemia when she was twelve, spoiled her rotten until her very last breath.

Eventually, I became mentally sick to the core. Writing and singing, my two favorite things in the world, became hobbies, and life had lost its zesty twang. Little things like music and the people I passed on the street that waved "hello" at me became nuisances. My mom "gave up" her therapy so I could get help.

I still wonder if she did it for herself or for me.

A few times a year, I get asked what my biggest fear is. Sometimes it comes up in conversation. Other times I create the question, not thinking about the consequences if people answer with "Spiders, yours?"

Each time I get asked, I take a deep breath and lie. "The dark." I say now, the idea of death by sea sounding more of tranquility than a travesty.

I look back at the old pictures I have of myself, a smiley and shy little girl who was afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. To her, I ask, "When you have nothing to lose, why be afraid?"

Me, with my baby doll at age three. I loved taking care of her. I used to take her everywhere with me.

#open letter #dear mom hlbutterfly #hlbutterflyoriginal

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undersero · 3 years

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4:27

this is my contribution to @doinmybesthere's Mental Health Collab!

please note: this work is SOLELY my own interpretation of Oikawa, and how I like to think he took care of himself. Through my perspective, I see that Oikawa and I share a lot of the same experiences and expectations of ourselves, so this work is also a little bit of a goal for where I'd like to be with myself in the future; able to calm myself down and relax, and not have to be constantly on all the time. This comforted me to work on, and I hope it can bring some comfort for you too. Thanks, Emme for including me!!

contains: mentions of anxiety, mentions of a panic attack, passion mention of blood/bleeding.

word count: 1112

Toru Oikawa’s brain slowly pulls him from the depths of sleep far before the sun comes up. Even in the summer, the sky is still a dark, inky blue at 4:27 AM. His brain and his muscles scream at him to rise, to train, to work even though it’s an off-day.

Even though there’s a gold medal in his office across the hall from his bedroom.

Like usual, he almost gives in for a moment, almost gives in to his screeching anxiety and crushing expectations of himself.

When he was younger, before he grew close with you, Iwaizumi would be the one to point out how he ran himself ragged. Iwaizumi knew better than anyone just how overbearing and nearly impossible Oikawa’s regiment was- and the good thing about Iwaizumi is that he’d always call him on it. He’d always bring Toru back to earth, reminding him what’s actually expected of a middle-schooler, or a high-schooler. Iwa was good for that, but Iwa couldn’t be everywhere at once, so sometimes Toru was able to slip away and continue pursuing his own success.

But then you came along, and Toru Oikawa was much easier to keep track of when there were two people watching.

But that was high school, absolute ages ago.

Some habits die hard, though.

Toru opens his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them with long, lovely fingers. He stares at the ceiling, willing down the fizzy static of anxiety from his brain, willing his heart rate to decrease, willing himself to just take a moment and breathe.

It’s taken practice. Years of it. Even now, it takes several minutes to calm himself down. To breathe. To exist.

He began running himself ragged, training himself to the point of injury nearly a decade before, when Tobio Kageyama joined the middle school volleyball team as a setting prodigy. The competition, in Toru’s mind, began from the start. He had to be better. He had to hit harder, set more perfectly, he had to be the one chosen to be on the court.

Ever since he met that little prick, he knew his days were numbered. He knew he wouldn’t be the best for long, and he started doubting if he ever was the best, if he was ever good.

No. Ridiculous, he’d thought. Of course he was good. He just needed to work harder. If he put in more hours, if he refined his serve, he’d be unstoppable. There wouldn’t be any question anymore of how good he was. No one would question that he was the best there ever was.

This, of course, did nothing to quell the stress he felt regarding Ushiwaka. Until quite recently, Toru was never quite able to beat him, always came in second, and the frustration from this fact always played in the back of his mind, always ate at him and tugged on his thoughts whenever things were going well, and tugged especially hard when he was alone and vulnerable.

His serves could be great, his sets could be perfect, and his ability to manage and direct his team could be unparalleled. But Ushiwaka was still a step ahead of him, just far enough away that Toru’s fingertips couldn’t quite reach him.

Any little seed of insecurity that Toru had buried inside sprouted into a monster, taking root in the very part of his life he loved most: volleyball. All it took was one look at Kageyama, his instincts and natural talent on the court. All it took was one little reminder of Shiratorizawa and Ushiwaka always coming out on top.

Each time he was reminded, the root deepened, grew more barbs and hooked into Toru Oikawa’s every waking moment, every second of training.

He simply wasn’t good enough, and he knew he’d never win unless he practiced.

The only way Toru saw himself winning was to practice until his fingers bled. Practice serving late into the night, until long after everyone had gone home, until he couldn’t put any weight on his knee from the effort and strain. As he grew older, further away from Miyagi, and as he learned through the help of his therapist and close friends, there were no rigid expectations placed on him by anyone. Not by his coaches, nor his team mates. The expectations were placed on him solely by himself. It was his own brain that could never be satisfied, it was his own desire to be the best and to win at all cost that drove him to multiple injuries, a harsh training schedule, and not much time for the simpler things in life.

Insecurity. Perfectionism. That deeply satisfying, sickeningly giddy feeling he felt in his stomach upon hearing through the grapevine that Kageyama couldn’t trust people. That he couldn’t work well in a team, that he couldn’t really express what he wanted or needed from others. Toru stewed over these things, thought about them for years afterward. On long metro trips, or long flights, the thoughts would creep into his brain, and along with them came the nauseating nostalgia of remembering how it all felt. The jealousy, the rage, the crippling sadness. He remembered the tears, how they’d always fall hot and frantic down flushed cheeks as he tried desperately to swallow gulps of air into his burning lungs. His fingers often tingled with the need to wrap around his hair near the root and pull until he saw white and until his scalp throbbed in pain.

Sometimes, it was really easy to fall back into these feelings. It was really easy for Toru to be sucker punched with how it felt back then, when everything was happening all at once. Years of therapy and working on himself, though, helped nudge him to the right track. He realized the world wasn’t out to get him. It became easier to recognize his tremendous talent, and he didn’t doubt himself as much anymore.

Some days are harder than others now, and sometimes, he still wakes up at the ungodly hour of 4:27 in the morning to a brain that’s shrieking at him to wake up, to train, to be the best.

You shift in your sleep next to him, almost like a grounding reminder that he’s safe. He’s got support. He’s okay and things are okay.

Toru Oikawa rolls over onto his side and wraps an arm around your middle, pressing himself delicately against you. He presses his nose into your shoulder, inhaling the most comforting scent he’s ever known. Toru closes his eyes, and is able to fall back asleep.

Now, he doesn’t open his eyes again until the sun shines brightly in the sky.

#hq fanfiction #haikyuu fanfiction #toru oikawa #toru oikawa fanfiction #oikawa fanfic

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vickyvicarious · 3 years

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Can I have four headcannons for Hugh O'Connor, please?

Headcanon A: realistic

When he wins the redone mock-trial and gets the seminar from Phoenix, he’s very excited about it (especially being gained on his own merits). However, rather than really focusing on any particulars about the law or anything like that, Phoenix spends most of his time beating down Hugh’s ideas that he has to be perfect or nothing else is worth it. He uses liberal examples from his own career of all the times he’s screwed up (sometimes truly monumentally) and luck or determination or intervention from friends saved him. Phoenix talks a lot of shit about both himself and Hugh but then tells him that he likes Hugh, that he reminds him a lot of himself in certain ways. He sprinkles in some talk about bluffing, how to think critically, the proper finger point, etc., but for the most part it’s just all about Feelings and such. Hugh finds the whole process difficult to sit through in several ways but in the end he does feel a bit better about himself and his determination is renewed to never give up. He also gets Phoenix’s phone number and a strict order to call once he passes the bar.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Contrary to his expectations of his greatest shame being revealed, Hugh’s popularity doesn’t even take a slight dip. Sure, some people talk crap about him having a head start, but a lot of them feel bad for him, or admire his loyalty to his friend to the point of trying to get convicted. People start hitting him up to buy them beer, or just generally finding him a lot more approachable. The whole construction gig is also not seen as shameful at all by anyone but him, and in fact people start basically trying to use him as their handyman. Without the false confidence of being a genius, Hugh is pretty dang awkward in most social situations, and has a hard time saying no to these requests. And of course, his archery skill is still actually legit, so the clubmates who admired him but found him unapproachable are now just all up in his face asking for archery tips and whatnot. So he winds up weirdly more popular than he ever was before, and regularly panic-brags about it to Juniper and Robin hoping they will rescue him somehow. (They do not. They find it all hilarious and also, good for him.)

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

After learning that his parents have been buying his grades (and letting him brag to them about his emerging genius), Hugh is crushed. Once the trial is over there’s a big commotion at the school about whether to expel him, but he’s allowed to stay on the basis that he didn’t know about the bribery. I can’t remember if they go into why his parents were buying his grades so this may be totally against canon, but in my head they dote on him and it’s out of love. They genuinely just want him to be happy and don’t know how to deal with his perfectionism and self-hatred or anxieties about being a failure, so they decided to step in. It was short-sighted, since they couldn’t ensure a career or even that he’d pass the bar, but it was out of love. Still, Hugh is too betrayed to ever trust them again. He actually paid for most of his school fees with his construction earnings, but he promises to pay them back for all the money they spent on him both legally and otherwise, regardless of the fact they don’t want it. And then he cuts contact. Eventually, years down the line, he starts speaking to them more, but still only a couple times a year and he finds it very hard to accept any gifts or praise from them, always doubting that it’s fake again.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Hugh joins the Wright Anything Agency after he finally graduates and passes the bar. It takes a little while, and Robin and Juniper are further along in their careers than he is, but they remain extremely close. Hugh has already been invited to visit the WAA several times before (and then conned into helping Trucy build magic trick props), and has had enough time to grow comfortable around them. Trucy regularly runs circles around him, but he eventually develops a brotherly relationship with her. While he respects Phoenix and has a sort of familial/mentee relationship with him, the attorney he learns the most from is Athena. He trains as her co-counsel, and she helps him to be more honest about his emotions and manage his anxiety better on a daily basis. He still has a tendency to get caught up in his own head and arrogant about himself/crash brutally back down to earth and mope, but he has more real confidence in his own skills and is better able to pick himself back up and keep going. He grows to admire Athena as a true genius - legally, socially, and so on - and despite being younger than he is, she plays more of a Mia role to his Phoenix (without the dying obviously). Hugh will never get his own game, but in my head he does, and the dynamic of a group of friends who right from the start openly support and love one another while being on opposing sides of the courtroom is a new and interesting one.

send me a character to get four headcanons!

#ace attorney #hugh o'connor #i always forget about hugh but i actually like him a lot #cleverhardy #replies #headcanons

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multicolouredbeanbag · 4 years

Text

pt 3 sorting characters into hogwarts houses

Part 1 Part 2

Tl;dr: April Stevens is a Hufflepuff who projects Slytherin; at her core she is a loyalist and she values community, even though her definition of a community has become GREATLY limited due to… reasons.

so here’s the thing. April looks like a Slytherin. She talks like a Slytherin. She walks like a Slytherin. But I don’t think she actually IS a Slytherin.

Today I defend the idea that April Stevens is actually a Hufflepuff (primary, ie. her motivations/values) and a Ravenclaw secondary (methods/tactics). I absolutely love this character even tho she is a lil mean, and I think that viewing her through this framework does justice to her complexities/core of who she is.

I mention the primary/secondary sorting hats system in Part 1 so feel free to google that or read my other analyses first.

Spoilers below:

Let’s talk about April’s secondary first, which addresses the HOW of person. How they approach situations, how they problem solve.

HP canon often posits Ravenclaws as the “intelligent” character, and while April IS very smart, that’s not why I consider her a Ravenclaw.

April is a HUGE planner and collector of information. She likes to be prepared because it gives her control over a situation. She’s an excellent strategizer. She’s less comfortable with improvising without having some tools/contingency plans to draw from, so when she’s stressed, she has a tendency to fall back on the tools that she’s brought with her (in contrast to Sterling, who absolutely thrives in improvisation)

My first example is the debate tournament - as team captain, she’s in it to win it. Her strategy of choice is to prepare detailed dossiers on all the other team captains. This works well enough for her, until opponent debater Craig pulls a move she couldn’t anticipate (using his own research against her), and she falls to pieces. Still, she takes some time, gathers herself again, and pressures Sterling to use the dossier on Craig to take him down (contingency plan).

Other examples:

Asked Sterling to debate her when deciding whether to come out or not - girl RUNS on logic

April’s approach to school is very organized/planning based, she’s also kind of a major nerd OBVIOUSLY, so this is a more conventional representation of her Ravenclaw-ness

S1E1, she snatches the condom wrapper but retreats with the information probably for processing purposes. She makes a plan - use threat of exposure to blackmail Sterling into giving her the fellowship position, and doesn’t deviate from it, even when the plan fails. Sterling has to save her from that situation ultimately.

This is a little more vague, but I’m thinking about how April comes off as a rigid, somewhat inflexible character. She’s not very easily persuaded to change her behavior (this, of course, makes so much sense! When you think about being gay in the south like? Her reluctance to come out is completely understandable) which contrasts very severely against Sterling’s expressive fluidity. April is a lot more static, and part of that is because it’s difficult for her to thrive when it’s an area that she hasn’t had the opportunity to prepare/plan/study.

Now for the much more interesting and complicated part, April’s PRIMARY.

Again, the Primary is all about WHY someone does something. Their motivations and values. I argue that April Stevens is a true Hufflepuff because she places utmost importance on community.

The HP canon defining qualities of being Hufflepuff are patience and loyalty. It’s the fair and inclusive house. However, it would be reductive to suggest that all Hufflepuffs are friendly, warm individuals. They are bonded together not by their shared amity, but by their value of people and groups—community.

April’s “community” on the show is unfortunately tied to her family and the Christian community. She fears not belonging (bc homophobia) so she overcompensates by conforming aggressively (see, Straight-Straight alliance S1E1).

The episode that really sold this analysis for me was S1E7, when April and Sterling had a number of conversations about April’s dad.

April: “My dad used to call my family a team. And I worked so hard to be the very best version of myself because Team Stevens wins. Teams Stevens is perfect, except that it’s not.”

With these words, we get some insight into why she’s so intense and high-achieving and obsessive all the time. It’s not so much because she wants to win for herself, it’s more the fact that she’s part of a team. She does her part for the team by excelling everywhere she thinks it counts, and of course her underlying gayness contributes to her NEED to be perfect. In practice, it comes off as personal ambition, which is why April seems, at least on the surface, pretty slytherin-y. In reality, it must be more about compensating for something she feels she lacks. Team Stevens can’t be perfect if they’re ostracized by the community due to their (only?) child being gay, so of course she has to keep it to herself, and she has to be the best on all other counts so no one can ever touch them.

Another example, S1E6, at the tournament April says, “You know what’s going on with my family right now; we have become the black sheep of the entire community. I needed a win!” She projects her personal problems onto external academic goals.

This framework of achievement as a prerequisite of community, flawed as it is, seemed to be working for her, at least up until her dad was arrested for attacking a prostitute. In a conversation with Sterl, back when April was trying to steal the fellowship title:

S: Why are you doing this? Is it because of what’s going on with your family?

A: What John did is his problem.

S: He’s still your dad.

A: I don’t care. He beat up a prostitute! I’m not a fan of sex workers but they deserve to be safe!

She obviously feels confused and hurt that her dad lied to her and was violent to women, which is something she cannot stand. For a while, she drops her father like a hot potato, throwing away his letters from jail and ignoring his calls. Hufflepuffs value people—fair is fair.

But she kind of still supports him at the end anyway, when he comes home (s1E10). She must be feeling so conflicted when this happens. Dad is a part of family (established community) therefore she has to support him. Dad possibly hurt someone, but then he did get cleared of his charges. April is essentially making a choice between Dad and Sterling, established community vs. possible (in fact PROBABLE) community alienation.

Hufflepuff and Slytherins are both loyalists because they both care about people—Hufflepuff because they’re people, Slytherin because they’re THEIR people. For all intents and purposes, by S1E10, Sterling is one of April’s “people.” So how does April choose? She goes with the established community, which is really to say she chooses culture and tradition.

April has spent her entire life locking away a significant part of herself for the sake of her family and more generally, her religious community. In S1E8/S1E9, April is almost convinced to come out—FOR Sterling. She probably would have gone through with it were it not for her dad showing up the next episode. April obviously has (justified) reservations about coming out because it’s honestly pretty dangerous to be out in the south, and these circumstances haven’t changed just because she found a girl that she likes. But she is reluctantly on board because Sterling would have been there to take the leap with her… at this point, April had expanded her definition of community to include Sterling, and for a moment Sterling’s optimism had broken past April’s defenses. Then her dad comes back, and April realizes that she has to make a choice even though this choice hurts them both terribly—Sterling is after all, one person, and what is one person in the face of boundless historical tradition and family values?

Hufflepuff morality tends to be influenced by external inputs, while Slytherin morality tends to come from the internal, the gut. Hufflepuffs can and will ignore their internal feelings when they contradict with the needs of the community. Slytherins are less easily swayed by external influences if they are sure they are right.

April has shrunk down her loyalties to a more manageable level (truly, a very LIMITED circle), but still prioritizes fairness and loyalty and of course, second chances. It’s partly why she’s open to reconnecting with her father. Maintaining these loyalties comes at the cost of her relationship with Sterling, but this is something April is willing to do: self-sacrifice for (greater) community.

Just to take a step back, April and Sterling’s relationship back in 5th grade is just… fascinating. In S1E6, we find out that April’s whole grudge against Sterling comes from when Sterling “gave her away” to another group at recess. An odd event that they both remember differently, and who can say what really happened? All we know is that April’s animosity comes from this perceived slight— the abandonment by someone she once trusted and considered part of her community. It’s very telling that their rivalry stems from this particular moment, the fracturing of a loyalty, as opposed anything else.

April: “the past is the past, we’re all adults here” but alsooo April, >:’(

Another example: at the tournament, when April is trying to convince Sterling to use the dirt on Craig to secure their win.

S: I don’t know if I can stoop that low.

A: He did it to me!

April’s first instinct was a quid pro quo, you attack me, my group will attack you. Which is why she is so offended that Sterling refuses to take the shot, because in April’s mind, it’s only fair. This exchange supports the idea that April considers community first, ambition second.

I like to think that April hides her vulnerable side, her honest hopes and dreams, behind her external perfectionism and ambition. I like to think that she cares a lot, that she’s a prickly, distrustful, kind of Hufflepuff who craves validation because she thinks it’s a substitute for connection. And I would like to see her find that type of community, that she and EVERYBODY deserves: love that doesn’t contain (in her words) “a post condition that we follow their rules for love.”

#teenage bounty hunters #tbh #april stevens #sterling wesley #stepril #devon hales #character analysis #hp houses #ok but if the tbh characters actually did go to hogwarts april would HUNDO P be in slytherin #it's alllll about the choice #gotta live up to the clearly elite pureblood upbringing that she would have #an abrasive intense gal trying her best #I LOVE APRIL STEVENS and devon if ur reading this? love u too #y'all i'm not religious but is it obvious who I project onto?#if u read the tags #thank u

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kazuzuha · 3 years

Text

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ part three

part one ; part two ; part four ; ...

It took me another two years to find a new goal and remember my past one - the latter being that of me exploring the world, meeting new people, seeing the archons, eating new foods, feeling the wind of the highest mountains in Teyvat...

Interestingly, this goal that I had forgotten coincided with the one I had now; running away.

That was all I had in mind in the time gone by, all that truly kept me breathing in that suffocating place. My own mindset was an opposition to my mother’s, her traditional perfectionism trying to mold me into someone flawless, yet, not better than her. My own set of unbearably high standards wore me down, then were further pushed by her hand which ignored the fact that our pressures came from the same place. But I knew. I knew.

It was at fifteen that I fully understood that knowing you are in an unhealthy situation does not call upon the Archons to help.

Father was not around, busy with climbing ranks and taming the snowstorms. If he knew of my ambition, he would have agreed to that marriage proposal I had been given years ago, suspiciously immediately after the Tsaritsa’s interest in me was expressed. It was not that my father did not love or care for me; the opposite stood true. However, he was unaware of how deeply the mental scars inflicted by my mother ran. She was a good wife, a great wife for a Snezhnayan especially. But she was not a good mother. All I had tried to explain, he had already known of, but from a completely different perspective; words convoluted, actions exaggerated - after years of hearing second-hand stories about his child, his image of me became exactly what my mother intended. Therefore, hoping and begging for his help would be redundant. I had to get away on my own two feet.

That being said, I still needed outside help and financial freedom. I made acquaintances amongst my peers, though being taken into a circle of Snezhnayan kids was a difficult task; due to my family’s high standing and my mother’s foreignity, I was either avoided or sneered at. No one dared say much, but those that did were not speaking in welcome. The odds would be stately against my success, if it were not for my observance. Most children were homeschooled and the only way to meet others my age was at a very occasional party or in organised training. There were certain aspects that I saw were well accepted in their eyes; strength, resilience, beauty and charm. I trained in strength, my mind forced resilience, the beauty and charm part could be subsistuted by wealth and social standing. It should have worked. Unfortunately, I did not consider my gender.

After beating a boy twice my size in combat, I was not revered as I had previously expected. I was not suddenly accepted into a friend group, was not offered the bitter alcohol they hid under their shirts. I was a foreign girl they could not touch, could not win against. And that pissed them off. The spreading of rumours seemed like a simple childish act at first, but the way people began to view me was set in stone before they even met me, painting me as unattainable, arrogant. A sense of déjà vu made me realise that I was once again losing an exit out of this place. But I was a quick learner.

Instead of my peers at the training grounds, I looked elsewhere. Tagging along with my father under the pretense of learning his strategies, donning my most modest dresses and tint on my lips, I met the younglings of aristocracy. They recognised my situation as their own, shunned for being better than everyone else. The mindset of superiority deeply ingrained in their small heads made it laughably easy to appease them and get piles of information that I made sure to memorize. My graceful actions, soft-spoken words and dainty visuals… all crafted to fit the perfect standard of a young girl beloved by the Tsaritsa.

Manipulation was effortless to replicate and after shedding a false tear over an acquaintance’s loss of a parent, the apprehension of the lack of my care about using others sent shudders down my spine. I hated it. I hated being forced to do the same I had been an object of. Most of all, I was horrified by how good I was at it. A secret account provided by a lovesick fool who turned out to be the son of the main manager of our biggest bank. Five sources of income through illegal trade business from Fontaine. A shy girl who wished for one good friend, the daughter of the biggest weaponry corporation, owning over fifty industrial factories in Snezhnaya alone. In less than two years, I was the biggest shareholder of two major companies.

All I needed was a good public reason to leave and never come back - if I had run away in the middle of the night, the powerful people around me would send hundreds behind me without a second thought. The only ones who can facilely leave are the Fatui - Tsaritsa’s dogs - and, of course, her Harbingers. I have seen my fair share of Fatui, especially when I was still dealing with the mess that was the illegal trading with Fontaine’s machinery. They were soldiers, but they were also people; until you gave them enough power to be drunk on. As for the Harbingers, two of them I had met on multiple occasions; the man I had momentarily seen at Tsaritsa’s side on that balcony was presented as Dottore, or Doctor, though his unhinged expressions pointed to him being a rabid predator, not a healer. He was a shadow; never seen, but always… there. The second Harbinger was my father’s old acquaintance known by the title La Signora, or more favourably, The Fair Lady. As a visionless female aristocrat, I was expected to marry quickly and provide many future soldiers to the armies of Snezhnaya. When I was younger I did not understand the disgust and abhorrence I felt at the thought of my set future. Without dreams, I only wandered. It was not surprising that I began to look up to the notoriously powerful Signora, especially since the silver shade in our eyes was of the same empty shine. Fascinated by her bold disobedience of our land’s customs, I caught myself imitating her walk; young and impressionable, sure, but I also knew that without a Vision, I would never be able to stride as freely as she could.

That is why I spent so much energy and time on getting Mora. In complete honesty, I could have left Snezhnaya a year into my socialisation. In only a few months, I had enough financial security to start a business in the faraway Liyue which flourished past my expectations. Despite resigning myself to using others, the human mind sometimes cannot help but create bonds of affection to others and so, after the first time hearing “comrade” or the late-night conversations with a painfully vulnerable and lonely teenager, I could not help but want to stay longer, although merely subconsciously. I began finding reasons to stay; perhaps visiting Liyue to oversee my business after a scandal was not a good enough plan to leave, perhaps I should save just a bit more before I go on a long journey, what if the branch deal suddenly fails, I need to manage this project myself… The excuses piled up, my very few friendships strengthened and then, I thought; living here for the rest of my life would not be the worst. This idea was proven wrong time and time again, the glares like daggers in my back, enviness of others putting poison in my cups, the bloody display of the rare bunny I was gifted by a prominent and popular merchant, my mother’s slap at the word “Liyue” leaving my mouth.

I was woken up by news of the forgotten childhood marriage proposal being reconsidered.

“My clever girl is all grown up now!” my father spoke loudly, his fork sounding on the golden plate as the guests around him followed his proud tone with interest. Turning to his closest comrade, another one of Tsaritsa’s most trusted, he spoke as if confiding a secret though all invitees could hear him clearly: “Nobody is ever going to be good enough for my dove, but I’m considering accepting that proposal. They’d make a good match, both of their heads full of coins.”

Booming laughter ensued as my smile froze on my lips. He had never discussed this with me beforehand, so why now?

As if he had read my thoughts, Father’s eyes found mine, his bright and naive, sure that I would simply go with it as I had with everything until now. I decided to keep the illusion intact and made myself smile wider.

“Girlie that plays with coins, hah! If that’s what he needs to tie him down, I’d get on my knees myself,” the other man spoke, raising his glass towards me and eliciting another round of hollers.

Not one to stay quiet in rage, I spoke with a light, pretty tone: “Sorry to say this old man, but I’d prefer for the man to kneel down for my hand himself. Your legs might just give out from how long you’d have to be begging on the ground for him.”

The hidden jab of my not even knowing who the man proposing was went past their ears.

“As expected!” the man yelled over the ear-wrenching laughter, slapping my grinning father on the back, while another man, whom I recognised as my only female friend’s absentee parent, spoke up; “She’s really your kid, through and through. Shame you didn’t make a boy, too, with that spunk he’d be one of Tsaritsa’s best warriors by now.”

“No kid of mine would be any good as a soldier,” Father countered, the alcohol in his glass disappearing. “Us Silvers use our heads.”

After he playfully headbutts his comrade, the conversation moves elsewhere and I take my leave. Again, I find myself on the balcony, heaving deep breaths, desperately trying to calm my racing pulse. Vaguely, I think about my wild expression and how others would react if they chanced upon me at this moment, but my unbearable fear does not allow for a stoic attitude.

Ah, right, I wanted to run away.

It is needless to say that I got my plans in order just that night.

I only let my closest friends know of the finality of my departure, sent a personal letter to the Tsaritsa and prepared an entourage of people who wanted to permanently leave Snezhnaya as well.

Tsaritsa’s reply was swift and curt; a permit to leave for business. There was not any mention of a permit to return, but that was exactly what I had been looking for.

I mentioned my journey East to my parents at a rare shared dinner, as if passing news. My mother would have dragged me by my hair if we had been alone; having my father present was imperative. With my mother’s forced silence, I explained that, due to the scandal - which I had painstakingly created myself - I wanted to take charge of the business in Liyue Harbour for three months until I found a capable enough manager to take over the decision-making.

“It is unsavory for women to make the main decisions in a business,” I sighed, massaging the side of my head as if troubled by this gravely. My father nodded, sympathetically, while my mother coldly glared at my theatrics. It was not her that I needed to convince, anyway; she would follow whatever her husband decided. Holding Father’s hand, a physical contact of seldom, I continued: “I want to get this over with quickly, that is why I am going myself. After all, the marriage should not be put off for too long, should it? You told me a few days ago that you wanted a grandson, after all.”

I left three days after that.

The tearful farewells were done in secret, only polite nods were given in the public eye. More people have come to bid me a good journey than I would have expected, my ties reaching further than those of the usual Snezhnayan. I decided to speed up my leave before anyone else could notice.

White mountains and the creaking of snow beneath the heavy feet slowly turned into browns and greens and sloshes of mud. We stayed the night at a guesthouse in Fontaine, the waterfalls washing away the prints of our path. I wished I could have run away immediately, but arriving at the Liyue headquarters was a necessary evil to maintain our facade; if we did not send word, it would have been no different from an escape without planning.

The warm water felt wonderful against my cold skin, accustomed to the harsh weather of the land of Cryo. It was a few hours after sunset and only the sounds of nocturnal butterflies were present. The unchanging moon shone down, reflecting its light into the lake, its shape sometimes a copy, sometimes a caricature.

TBA

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