#going makes me feel paranoid and crazy and i am so fucking tired of it all

[intraosseous]

it is actually unreal how much i hate going to my parents’ home

#rant in tags #every fucking time it’s horrible at the beginning and then looks like it might be okay and then one or both of my parents corners me #and start being so fucking awful #going makes me feel paranoid and crazy and i am so fucking tired of it all #well. that’s probably just the constant gaslighting and manipulation actually #it’s not even that i get my hopes up or anything anymore #i just try to be slippery enough that they can’t sink their claws in while i hang out with my sisters #but in other news ! i’m living in constant sin by essence of my existence and also an idiot and a heretic #if anyone was wondering #literally the only thing i have to show for this visit is my new fucking bloody knuckles and memory of my sisters’ smiles #i am so drained and it’s not even 8 am. however have been dealing with this since eleven o’clock last night #my head hurts my hands hurt my body hurts #i just want to die #personal / #dont rb #delete later

[coltishcaterpillar]

Unmasked / Platonic!Alastor x Teen! Daughter Reader

Chapter II: Sneaking Suspicion

Summary:

After reading over thirty-one entries, three disturbing pages are brought to light….or the darkness, depending on how Emily wants to look at it.

WARNING: This entire chapter (and probably the next one) depicts a very disturbed, traumatized, paranoid child (who is you, the reader.), who has just lost the person she loved most in the world. A HUGE deterioration in her psyche is seen here.

Look out for: Murder, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Anxiety, Delusions, Cannibalism, etc….

November 12th, 1933

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, my dear diary. Please, Jesus, please help me find my way back, I’m…I’m shaking relentlessly and the monsters at night won’t leave me alone.

My Pa….he’s not come home in three weeks. I know he will never open that door again, but I wish he would just one last time.

It started with a simple hunting trip. I saw him bringing a large trash bag over his shoulder whilst he was going out, and I just assumed it held his gun and other necessities.

A few hours later, people heard gunshots go off in the area he hunted and now he’s…..

When they opened the bag they found another mangled body….and concluded that my Papa was the serial killer terrorizing New Orleans since 1922.

No, he couldn’t have done anything of the sort. He was a good man. PAPA was a good man. He was. He is.

I read it in the papers…nobody wants to see me anymore. I’ve tried contacting everyone I knew and loved, and they told me to never set foot on their property again, they thought I was involved in this hellish situation!

Anne, James, Elbert, Carol, Mr. Devereaux, Charlotte, Martin…..EVERYBODY has abandoned me!

I wanted to desperately contact Grandma, so I wrote her a series of letters. Her caretaker wrote me a letter back that she went into shock after finding out Pa died, and she’s….well, she’s in Heaven now too.

I just turned sixteen, please. I need my Papa back….my Grandma….

I’ve been in the house surviving off of scraps. I’m afraid to leave again; I don’t want to be shot, I don’t want people coming after me because of what my Papa allegedly did. I’ve lost so much weight, I’m tired, I feel sick….

I’m not ready to be a woman, to grow up, quite yet. I grew up taking things for granted; I thought I would have my family and friends for life. How will I find a job? Will anybody take me in? Can I find a new family?

I’m still here, I’m still here, my dear friend. My beautiful…I’ve not lost my mind, not yet. I’m not crazy, am I? No, no….I’m just….going through some traumatic moments!

I’m hungry….

My stomach is hurting so bad, I’m perspiring and my toes are curled…I need more food. I’ve eaten nearly everything, I have no money to purchase anything else…

Every time it growls, there’s a new tang of pain….

Papa, you would never….you’re a good man, Pa. I love you, I’ll always love you….

Oh, it all makes sense now! Why you never wanted me to see what you brought home, why you were always out late, why you were so secretive…oh, Pa, why didn’t you tell me?! I…I would’ve….contacted the authorities.

Which is what you didn’t want.

I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING DEMON! HOW DARE YOU BRING THIS UPON ME AND GRANDMA, I HOPE YOU ROT YOU SICK, TWISTED, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN-

I miss your kisses and your hugs, Pa. Please….please come back. At least tell me where your grave is so I can hug your body one last time….I’ve never wanted to hear your voice more, whether it be in real life or the radios, please!

Oh my god, what are we having for dinner? I’m starving, Pa….

I have a headache, Pa….please give me some medicine to ease the pain…..

I need you, I need somebody. Anybody. Please….

I never want to see you again. If I ever see you again after this lifetime I will do everything in my power to slaughter you a second time for all the pain that you’ve caused….

I’m going to take a breather soon, my dear friend. I need to let off some steam. I’m….I just need to find an energy source. I’ll be back, I promise.

——————————————

November 13th, 1933

Oh, I’ve found something to eat, finally. It didn’t taste as terribly as I thought, and in fact, it tasted similar to how you cooked our meat, Pa. So tender….so, so, tender…..

The gangster didn’t even see it coming. I don’t think he liked me, he was looking at me like I did something wrong. I hushed him, hushed him well, and said,

“No, no, sir. Why are you giving me that look?? I’m only hungry! I’m just trying to survive! Please don’t let me starve!”

I hated that gaze. That look on his face made me feel like a monster, like I wasn’t justified in my action to cut him into tiny little pieces-

Pa, it’s just like you used to make. I never knew how…similar the meat tasted until now. Why did you do that? To so many innocent people….this man was not innocent, Pa. He was part of a cartel, I was doing this world a favour!

I feel better, I think. My stomach feels more satisfied than it has in days.

I don’t feel any better, though. I just…I just ate somebody….

I don’t know what to do! How is….how is his family going to react when they find this out?! I….I caused him pain, so much pain….

But I need more. I want to live….I have so much goodness to offer to the world, I promise I can be better! I’m not usually like this! I promise to make you proud! To make everybody proud…like I’ve always tried to do!

I know how much I was lacking in performance, I’ve never been cut out for the big leagues, but I am positive I can amount to something! If this world will give me a chance, I’ll be the best version of myself I can ever be. I can, I can! You always said I could do anything I put my mind to, I can do this. I can still be a happy girl and young woman, I can still grow up, I can make new friends. Perhaps I’ll move? Yes, maybe that’s a good idea…

I miss you. I miss Grandma, I miss our talks. The things you would do with me…how you used to sing to me when I was scared of the monsters under my bed, our weekly theatre nights; we’d always go to see Charlie Chaplin, that was your favourite; and it grew to be mine too.

I miss how close we were to each other. We were like….we were like two peas in a pod. We couldn’t be one without the other.

1917, was the year of my birth. How well do you remember picking me up that day? When I was alone, cold, nearly dead…in a dumpster? You saved me.

That’s why….I don’t want to believe you did those things, Papa. I don’t. I have a very strong sense of morality, you know that. I….I can’t fathom you ever being capable of something like that.

I…I don’t think I knew you, Papa. You…

You betrayed me.

Everybody was right, you know. The suspicions people had about you. Anne…she always talked about you with a certain look of fear in her eyes, and I always made the time to defend you to anybody who ever judged.

How was it, that the only person who never saw the signs, was me? The person who lived with you for sixteen years?

Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it.

And now look at what you’ve done. You’ve killed a part of me…you killed Grandma; your mother! I was supposed to meet her up for tea a few days after your death, but time had beaten me to it. What ever will I do, without your love?

I miss you, Pa. And I love you, so very much. But you better pray to the devil himself; that I do not die for another five decades. I won’t be able to hold myself back…from hurting you. And I’ll hurt you bad.

To be hated….to be attacked by somebody you protected, nurtured, loved with all your heart….yes, that’s the pain I want to inflict on you. Your daughter, the person you’d kill for, turning against you.

I love you, Pa, I really do. But….a serial killer will never be somebody I bode well with.

———————

January 10th, 1934

I am sorry. For everything. It’s very frigid out here due to winter, and I’ve been camping outside for quite a while…I can’t feel my legs anymore.

To….anybody I may have scared or hurt, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

#hazbin hotel #fanfiction #platonic alastor x reader #alastor x reader #child reader #cannibalistic #tw murder #diary entry #horror #child trauma

[liliallowed]

Imagine if the player got bored or something and used Y/N as a vessel to flirt with Dust.

That would be so out of pocket.

hmmm. well that is a good idea but...

I was thinking something even more interesting.

I won't elaborate since that plotline is for my Thornbound souls fic but yeah I've had this idea before. just... with a plot twist or... two

in the meantime though enjoy this short little fic!

you were in the lion's den and one mistake could cost you your reset.

but you liked to gamble. going all in on a bet made your heart beat fast with excitement.

how good WAS your y/n impression actually? you were fairly confident you could mimick their behavior and personallity...

though... it would be even more natural to have the vessel be in full control... while you simply observed and felt things from their perspective. let them take the lead.

or maybe they would? as long as they made the same choices y/n would've made anyways, there was no distress in the soul and they'd be completely in sync and unrecognizable. but?

one missed heartbeat... a TINY BIT of indecisive behavior and they KNEW he'd pick that up on the MOMENT their soul studders.

they knew he had his senses hyperfixed on this humans pathetic mushy soul.

what did he see in them anyway?...

you sigh feeling a slight throb in you head but it disappeared the moment you open your eyes.

you can't help but notice a familiar hooded figure is watching you, his eyelights observing you silently.

🩶[close your eyes again and pretend to be sleeping so he'll go away. it's just a dream y/n you're still dreaming.]

"stop staring at me."

"... why are you still here... am I still dreaming?"

you close your eyes swiftly as you try to ignore the sound of your definitely NOT real paralysis demon strapping closer... closer...

he's right there you don't dare open your eyes you KNOW his face is only millimeters away from yours cuz you can FEEL his eyelights digging into your soul.

nope. you aren't seeing him. he's fake. you're just tired. he's not real. you just need to MOVE your hand and see if you can touch air.

... your hand... slips through the air. there's actually nothing there?

🩶[check]

you open your right eye squinting... nothing there.

you open the other one to get jumpscared by his face against.

🩶"EEP! "

[eye roll]

[stare into the void. maybe he'll go away???]

you let out a small scared squeak ducking under the comfort of your pillow... then look back.

yep. still there. still VERY MUCH THERE.

/your ears barely pick up the sound of a small chuckle./

/.../

/you're starting to see the appeal actually... this vessel is kinda adorable./

before you can make a choice however,

you find yourself glaring at the skeleton as you step out of bed, walking up to him with a stubborn face.

"why are you here?"

/huh... without input? they're pissed hehehehe./

"just checking up on you" he shrugged.

"don't you have some... demon thingy to catch or something." you mutter half heartedly.

"lost their trace. soooo knowing that freak YOU'RE the most likely person they'll cling onto"

/PFFFFT- *spits out coffee*/

/HOLY FUK... dude... dude I'm not sus. I swear./

"... I think I would KNOW if I'm possessed." you roll your eyes.

"I can tell" his grin sharpens.

"can you stop giving me vague threats!? I'm NOT GONNA... GO ON SOME DUMB... cosmic black hole time warping... WHATEVER THE HELL YOU SAID!" you glare at him.

"it's okay. take your time. either the mask slips or you're right and I'm just paranoid. the more we talk the more I'll get to... test your answers."

"you're fucking crazy."

"I know what I am."

🩶"just leave me alone... last thing I need is you telling me my choices aren't my own. FUCK off."

his sockets squint... as if he's looking for something in your stubborn face...

but... he doesn't find it.

he sighs.

"I'll look around again. DO NOT LEAVE . I WILL FIND YOU."

he warps away.

now was your chance to get out! yet... you feel inclined to stay. you don't want to leave-

stay??? why should you stay? HE KIDNAPPED YOU? why did you hang such a silly though+

*PING

a skeletal hand pulls at your soul TEARING it through the vessel.

"GOTCHA" he chuckled.

💔

GAME OVER.

#liliwrites #lv triangle #dusttale #dusttale player

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

I’m not gonna act like I’m perfect and that I’ve never made mistakes or sometimes said hurtful things when upset (who hasn’t though) but I’m tired of being treated like the villain in a situation where I’m the victim and I’m tired of any way i try to defend myself or when I’m just trying to get answers is seen as me having a “BPD meltdown” or “lashing out.”

I have every right to be hurt and angry and sad but I think I’m handling it pretty well regardless??? And I wouldn’t need to constantly defend myself or speak about how hurt I am or any of that if this dickhead had just properly communicated with me in the first place or at the very least didn’t try to paint me as some dangerous crazy person for something that wasn’t my fault and like even if it hadn’t been about me fainting and was about me being depressed/suicidal, once again I was the only one hurting there no one else was getting hurt it doesn’t make me dangerous you ableist fucks and if it was such an issue why did he assure me everything was fine? He blatantly lied to me and so did his girlfriend and I don’t know at this point what was true and what isn’t true and it’s honestly disgusting that she thinks I’m the problem and has been using my BPD as a way to demonize me.

This was all because of her coward boyfriends inability to communicate like a mature adult. But I didn’t even fucking do anything I’ve been trying to move on. All that happened is last night after I finally had felt okay and strong enough to hang out in the food court which I haven’t been able to do cuz I feel like I’m being watched. But then after I came out of the bathroom his girlfriend was sitting outside, she didn’t see me right away and I wanted to say hi but I didn’t cuz of what she’d said a few weeks ago about him not wanting her talking to me and as dumb as it is I wanted to respect that, I went and sat away from her and went back to my music or whatever I was doing.

But then when she did see me she walked away without saying anything. That hurt a lot but what hurts worse is he eventually came out and saw me and walked past me too without saying something, and his girlfriend intentionally parked the car right by where I was sitting so I had to see him get in the car, I tried leaving after this I was gonna go to the grocery store but when I was walking there suddenly he was driving and he was stopped in front of me and he looked at me again and so I turned and went the other way but he ended up parking in a random parking spot by where I was walking and got out of the car for no reason seemingly just to make sure I saw him then when I kept walking he got back in like I feel like he was trying to torture me on purpose. Like who tf does this?

Maybe I’m being paranoid and I know they would deny doing this but it just all felt very intentional. I can’t believe I ever called these people my friends. No matter how many problems I have I wouldn’t have ever done something like this to them. Sometimes I wonder if this is karma for my past mistakes cuz I have said and done a lot of things I regret. I’ve always tried to make things right and apologize and correct my behavior but maybe to the universe that isn’t good enough.

But even then even though it’s not an excuse most things I’ve said or done that have been wrong usually happened when I was hurt first by whoever it was or I saw them treating someone else poorly and that doesn’t make it okay obviously and it’s not an excuse but im just saying I’m not a vindictive person or vicious person purposely out to get people or harm people.

Most of the examples I can think of were several years ago anyway before I even knew these people. And usually if anything I may say something bitchy or mean after being provoked or backed into a corner (usually to my mom more than anyone) but like these people are acting like I was a threat to their safety… I am not this dangerous crazy person they’re making me out to be.

I cared so deeply for them I would have done anything for them and it makes me sick that I could care so much for people that could just so easily hurt me then move on like it’s nothing. I think the differences between me and them is that if I say or do something wrong whether I realizes it at the time or realizes it later I always feel deep regret and always always apologize and try to make it right. Whereas they are blaming me and making it seem like my justified hurt is irrational. Well her and not him because he still hasn’t said a damn word to me. Coward. God just the thought of him makes me sick. I can’t believe I used to think he was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. And that I used to think he was the one guy to treat me with respect despite seeing me at my worst (about 6 years ago) and even recently before all of this he wasn’t treating me any differently everything was fucking fine that’s why I don’t fucking understand!!! And like the fact that he knows too how scared I was of getting hurt and losing people….asshole. He knows I felt so much pain which I was why I went to the hospital which he was so supportive and sweet about but now I’m in worse pain than I was then and he’s nowhere to be found. But that’s the thing I never needed or wanted emotional support from him. I just enjoyed talking to him about books and music. It’s all just so fucked and in sick of it all

#long post

[rose-likesto-write]

Autumn Leaves...

Pairing: Lee Junho x Fem reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff, maybe suggestive?

AU!: Rival to lovers trope; Supritendent of police, forensic psychologist

Warning (s): swears, mentions of murder, serial killer, victims

Rating: T

Word Count: 976

A/N: Hey, everyone.. I am back after a long break, things didnt go my way and we're tough but now it's better because of God's grace. ase, it's a small request to kindly give your feedback. It means alot ❤️

Sorry for grammatical mistakes and dramatic ending.. 😭

Summary:

"Now, I realised that as much as most of us call fairy tales as overrated and exaggerated versions but somewhere and somehow even we wish to have for own selves, for us to remember and for us to tell.. It happened with me as well but by the time I started hoping for one, I didn't realise that it might not be the type of ending I wished but I still didn't wanna give up"

"Wow, Mr Lee that's an amazing write up and I can't wait for the book to be published and read it but please, excuse my curiosity but there is more to it right? As in it feels this is actually from your own perspective like from your life experience or something?"

"Ofcourse, it is dear Lia but wait for the right time though."

Chapter-2 HE IS HERE..

‘CHAOS!’ ‘FRETFUL’ ‘STRESS!’ and numerous words like these fail to describe the current situation that was prevalent not only in the country but in the departments that joined hands to understand and solve the crime. It was as if the serial killer knew each and every move and is three steps forward,

“What the fuck is going on?” Junho said in frustration as he threw the set papers in his hand towards the wall. “Junho, you can’t just throw papers like this! I know you are frustrated and so we are.” Taecyeon said with a sympathetic look.

“You aren’t understanding the gravity of the situation! The victims are rising and so is the cruelty. I am worried what if the next victims are—

“Junho! I mean Mr Lee and Mr Ok, here is the report.” You rushed to his side with the thick folders and gave it to him before leaving. “How many times have I told you not to run with these thick folders?” Junho said with a stern look before taking the said folders and started going through it.

Taecyeon scoffed and texted Jennie.

Me: How long will they take?

Jen: Guess?

Me: I don’t know? Days, weeks, months, years, centuries or even millennials

Jen: Or they won't ever confess. Don’t worry

Me: Yeah, take care

Jen: You too :)

He closed his phone and saw him making notes. “Found something valuable? “ He said and sat next to him. “The reports have given great detail about the gruesome killings.” Junho said and turned his attention to Taecyeon.

“You remember, the initial conversation we had with the Chief? We spoke about backgrounds, abandoned areas?” Taecyeon nodded. “Well from the recent documents and evidence that were found, most of the victims are directly related to the killer in some way. Though, this sounds crazy especially how evidence has been gathered or possibly if the killer is deliberately leaving his evidence to find him, but why?”

“Because we are next on his target list.” Dr Kim said as he came with the Chief in their room. “Sir!” They stood up and saluted the Chief and greeted the doctor.

“Dr Kim is right” the chief sighed before continuing, “The two victims through which we thought we were able to get a hold of that monster, what happened? Another victim was killed horrifically and was not related to all others. So, that your attention could be diverted and from the rough sketches that were drawn and witnesses were called, most of them said that the accused knew the victim somehow the other way. It's not just a gruesome and gory play but it has some connection with the accused as well."

Later that night:

You and Jennie were going back after a hard and tiring day. “This case is too gory and scary.” Jennie said as she took a sip from juice. “Can’t agree more. It is literally so scary that I have become paranoid at this point.” You too walked closely keeping an eye out even though the general public was there but who would take a risk.

There were times when you felt someone’s presence but when you turned around, no one was there.

Rushing through your apartment’s door and closing it, a sigh of relief came out from both of your mouths.

“Lets get changed fast, then we can watch some shows while having some fried rice and the side dishes.” Jennie said to which you nodded

Everything was going well and you were about to fall asleep when the lights went off. “Why now?” You whined. “Don’t worry it will come in a minute or so” Jennie said but sadly, that minute turned into 15 minutes.

“Yes, thank you” Jennie sighed as she ended the call. “What happened?” You asked

“They are checking for the issue and the generator will start in a m-

A loud sound was heard as if someone broke the glass, making you both scream. “Jen-sh-” and another glass breaking sound was heard followed by bangings on the main door.

Tears were flowing down both of your faces. “D-do you think, its him?”

You frantically called the first number.

“P-please p-p-pick up!”

“Hello?”

“H-he is here. I think. P-

Before you could say anything the call ended and within a few seconds police sirens were heard and the bangings stopped and some rustling was heard outside.

“Y/N!!!” Junho screamed as he broke your apartment’s door followed by Taecyeon and other police officers and the lights came back.

“B-baby” He kneeled down as he took you in his arms, rubbing your back softly. “D-don’t worry baby, I am here” He whispered softly. After sometime, when you calmed down a bit, you snuggled your face in his chest and your grip on his shirt tightened.

“P-please don’t l-leave m- “Never, angel”

“Sir, we found this paper crumbled and this pin” San said he brought the evidence.

Both you and Jennie looked at the pin before you both turned pale. “Y/N, this is the p-pin that you lost!!” Jennie lost her balance and Taecyeon helped her.

“What does that paper say?” Junho growled. San’s hand shivered when he read it

“I was planning to meet you, my princess Y/N and your friend. You are too beautiful and i hope you remember this article. See ya next time”

“You are coming with me” Junho said as he stood up with you in his arms.

“I-I won’t go with you” You said as you tried to go from his arms.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?”

“He is after me and I don’t wanna go with you all. I can’t risk your saf-

“Risk safety? Are you insane??’

“I am insane enough because I love you Lee Junho. Please, I can’t risk losing you or any of you. I can’t lose more people.” You fell on the floor crying. “Its all over!!”

#kvanity #lee jun ho #lee junho #2pm kpop #2pm scenarios #2pm lee junho #2pm junho #junho scenario #junho moodboard #junho x reader #junho fluff #junho angst #junho x fem reader #2pm edit #2pm #2pm x fem reader #2pm moodboard #send me anons #send asks #send me asks #anonymous #send me requests #anon ask #send me feedback #ask me anything #kpop edits #kpop moodboard #kpop #kpop scenarios

[excuse-my-screaming]

I need to write because I need to get it all out.

I will never be good enough, and that's okay but I don't know how to stop trying to be nice to the people who are me that way.

I know now that my OCD is a real thing and it makes sense because of who my mother is, but I never realized that's why I couldn't let it go when people disliked me.

I never realized that's why I was paranoid, or that's where my violent intrusive thoughts come from.

I thought that was anxiety because that's what my therapist said. I can't sleep now because I'm manic, and I need to do the dishes or else I'll end up with lice, but I'm tired and sad.

Why is it impossible to just be okay? Why can't my brain just not be a fucking lunatic and have so many chemical imbalances?

Why is there so much wrong with my body and my brain, and is there even a chance that I can be a good mom and not fall short on taking care of my child? How do I make her not hate me, if I am the way that I am? I know I drive my husband insane when I'm not medicated, but it's not fun on this end either.

And the fact that I've opened up to people about it before who only then decided that I was a crazy human being is not helpful.

I want my doctor to know, but I also believe that if I tell a new therapist or psychiatrist that they won't believe me and they'll just tell me it's anxiety, like they've done before.

I need things to get better, and I absolutely need my house to always be clean, or else I'll end up alone and hated.

I know it's all irrational, but that doesn't make it feel less real.

I feel like I'm drowning.

How do I make it, so it doesn't matter that people dislike me? How do I turn the switch off in my head that needs the approval of people who I don't even like?

How will I be able to ignore the judgment of people who are supposed to be my family?

I've been called an over attentive mother, and now it's horrible that I'm a stay at home mom because I don't bring any money in, so how dare I spend it?

I don't buy things for myself.

I buy them for my child and the house.

Everything that I spend is approved by my life partner, so how then is it still that I am doing something wrong in the eyes of these people who didn't like me before and never will?

How do I stop living for the acceptance of people who are actually bad human beings?

I want to not care. I care too much.

I want to break things, and clean, and drive around aimlessly, and go to Taco Bell.

I want to be skinny. Like Rachel green, monica gellar skinny.

I want to have my degree and be teaching by the time my husband is done with this job so that we don't have to buy health insurance.

I want to have long skirts that I can teach in, and I want to be healthy. I want to have my blood sugar, thyroid, and mental health under control.

I want to have a safe and loving environment for my child, and I want someone to look at me and say "good job," even if they do not know me, even if I do not like them, even if they suck.

I want validation from myself so that I do not need these things, and I do not know how to fix myself.

I want to fix myself

#personal #blog #diary #mental health #ocd #bipolar #adhd #cptsd

[whitneyasif]

My DP/DR story

I was diagnosed with Depersonalization(DP)/Derealization(DR) disorder a few months ago, although I've experienced it since I was in high school, probably around 2012. At that time, I had no clue what it was. I remember first experiencing it after smoking weed with my friends, and still feeling "weird" and high the next day, and the day after that, all for about a week. Eventually, I guess I just stopped thinking about it so naturally, it was gone. I never really smoked much weed after that, thinking I'd never ever wanna feel that weird again. Flash forward to 2015 when my grandfather (who raised me, and was basically like my dad) suddenly passed from a brain tumor, it sparked up again, but once again went away and laid dormant. I was doing good, I got married and had two sons. Then, one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, happened to me. My husband died. He was robbed and killed in March of 2021, and my whole world crashed...and burned...badly. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I was paranoid, watching out of my window all night and not sleeping because I was so afraid. After months into my healing journey for the next year, I was doing better. I got back to work, and things were seeming to go back to "normal" for me. October of 2022 comes around, and my younger sister had relapsed and called me for help, asking to come to my house to detox and get clean. I agree and pick her up, and she is withdrawing pretty hard. I left home for about an hour to go help my sister-in-law who had a flat tire and needed a ride, and come home to my baby sister who was 23, dead in my bed. Probably the most devastating thing that I have ever gone through other than losing my husband. After that, a bunch of new mental health issues started to arrive and wouldn't you know it, here comes the DP/DR, full force, the worst it has ever been. I suffered for a few months of going in and out of "reality" and dissociative states and finally called a therapist. Almost immediately I was diagnosed to have DP/DR and PTSD. Although I knew I had it, it was still a relief for someone to listen to me and not make me feel crazy when I described my symptoms. Quite frankly, if you have ever experienced DP/DR you know just how crazy it makes you feel. Now at this point, you're probably wondering "Well, what does it do to you? How does it make you feel?". It can quite literally alter your mind. My symptoms are severe and can last for days. How I know I'm going into an "episode" is easy for me now, remember that I said easy to recognize, not that they are pleasant. I will start to see and hear things differently. Hearing things can seem muffled, or like someone is talking to you from another room. Vision change can be hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it is, you start seeing things in a somewhat hyper-real state, or that the world seems "not real". I think this is one of the most common symptoms for people who experience this, which is less than 2% of the population, by the way. Another thing that happens that is related to vision is, you feel like you are viewing things from a third person or out-of-body. Looking at yourself in the mirror, your friends, and even your children can feel unfamiliar. I remember looking in the mirror and even questioning if I was real. It can be alarming, and scary. When I would tell people I felt crazy. But I realized that I am not crazy. I am hurt. I am traumatized. The way my body deals with it is just inconvenient, honestly. I look at it like this... My brain is trying to protect me from all the pain, all the hurt, and make me feel like things are not real so I don't feel the pain. Being self-aware wants me to tell my brain to fucking stop the charade and let me hurt because I would rather be sad than feel like I don't exist. I have been working with my therapist to try to find breathing techniques that work or grounding exercises. I was even prescribed Lexapro, which I will be starting tonight. It's been a long journey, and I am even in an episode as I type this, but I know one day I will get better.

#trauma #ptsd #lexapro #drug overdose #depersonalization #derealization #dpdr #mental health #therapy

[antpernas]

I want to make a journal entry about this guy I've been seeing to clear my head (and my heart hopefully lol) because I've just been so anxious in general lately and I'm hoping this will help!

The thing is, I have no idea where to start! I guess I'm just sad? Or hurt? I just keep going through the same thing over and over again and it's so disheartening. Like my heart literally aches over this stuff at this point! I'm so confused. I don't understand why people will express interest in you and form these "situationships" only to not pursue you. I value communication so much and it's so stressful to be kept in a limbo with someone *I* was looking to pursue something with.

I'm really tired of feeling like I put in more effort! But then when I've made up my mind and I'm ready to start distancing myself (because who am I to keep pursuing someone who I feel is indifferent??) I feel bad to change the dynamic of the relationship from what it's been. And then I start doubting my certainty of cutting it off/putting in that distance, and I feel paranoid for basing the "decision" on the small things I have been... but they add up! I'm just so tired. And this is maybe the 5th time this happens with a guy I really like.

I don't want to believe it's my fault, and that I'm pursuing relationships in a healthy way. That I'm taking the right steps to set the right expectations between myself and another person. But when I'm the common denominator, I feel delusional to try and convince myself it *isn't* my fault.

And now I'm concerned that the next time I do see this guy, he'll make a move and I'm not even sure I want to pursue anything further with him. I feel dumb to be so happy about the scraps of attention I do get. I don't want somebody to change who they naturally are just to satisfy me, and if I'm not happy with our dynamic before we start dating, why would I be happy with it once we do start? But then, I feel like I'm just anxious from reading too much into it, and that I might be robbing myself of a good thing.

It's something I want to talk through, but I feel crazy thinking to bring it up with him, especially considering that lack of intention I feel from him.

Just to clear my head of it, and because I would feel like a fucking psychopath to say these to him directly, I wanna list out the things that make me feel like he's not interested

Every time we've hung out for the past few weeks has been at my request. This Sunday was the first time in a while he initiated and asked to hang out first, but it was to join him in plans he'd already made with other friends. I don't mean that in a "I need to have him for myself to be satisfied" kind of way, but in a "he's still indifferent as to whether he sees me or not" kind of way.

He texted first the other day, which was nice, but I asked him how his day was and he didn't say anything. He acknowledged a different part of the text, and then the convo moved on. It gives me the feeling he doesn't really have that strong an urge to talk to me.

I invited him to come to Go club with me, and he said yes, and then he didn't show up the day of :( I didn't text to confirm he was coming because I wanted to see if he would reach out first, but he didn't. He asked me how it went after the fact and didn't acknowledge the fact he didn't come

I asked him what our relationship was, and he just didn't respond. It was right as I was leaving, so I just told him he didn't have to answer (which is true! I didn't want to pressure him) and I left.

I feel like he doesn't really appreciate the memes I send him... This one's kind of weird because it's very sporadic. Sometimes he'll look at them, sometimes he won't? I don't know :(

He calls me "bestie" when we text... which isn't that big a deal, but also it's a deliberate choice to use that instead of something more affectionate?

After sitting and writing this down, the only way I could see us still pursuing something is if I'm totally misunderstanding his signals and he actually does want me but didn't want to be overbearing... But knowing how it's usually gone for me I doubt that's the case. One of those. "if he wanted to, he would" type situations. But sitting and writing this out did help me frame this in my mind at least. And accept it. Sigh.

Anyway, my internship ends soon and I'm back to Miami right afterwards. I'm hoping to start up all my routines again and really start growing this year, especially since I'm starting upper-division electives and start research :D The paper I'm writing for this internship is also super cool and I'm so excited to have it finished! Despite the stress of life and love at the moment, I'm actually really hopeful for where things are going.

#mydiary #things

[bombworkorange]

ive always fucking hated maladaptive daydreaming its genuinely so infuriating i cant focus in on my reality because the stuff inside my head is so vivid and true that i begin to question myself and if im really alive. i need to wake up! i need to wake up! but i am awake ! but what if im not? <- that sounds fucking stupid and im so embarrassed with myself all the time . idk what to do or how to stop this andi hate the violent ones because then i snap out of it and everything is normal in reality but im disturbed by something that didnt even fucking happen. ive had this issue since i was small and its only worsened and it wont get better i dont think so anyway because its consistently only worsening and i already have hallucinations on top of that so thats great!!!!!!!!!! i just wont ever be able to fully focus onto whats real i guess!!!!!!!!!!! i love being mentally ill guys its so fun (i need to kill myself i cant live like this i cant even call this living im not even real!!!!) i dont even feel like i can call myself mentally ill either because what if secretly everyone is like this and im just weak because im thenonly one who struggles with it . everything in my head is so intense and it makes me want to bawl because i think toohard and focus too hard and then im convinced that everyone is not real !!! i solved it!!! now get me out!!! get me out!! letme see the real thing! that sounds so insane ughhd ive hurt myself so many times just so i could be certain that the things around me were real or not . im just so ashamed and i try to keep everything in because otherwise people think im just fucking crazy and ive dealt with this so long that i feel it just doesn't matter anymore. im so overwhelmed and paranoid all the time and i feel so bad for the things i imagine so vividly and all i canndo is hope its not true and that it doesnt say anything about me . i hate people who want to escape their reality via intense daydreaming because itsnot going to get better that way its only going to worsen and worsen and you wont know the difference anymore and youre gonna get paranoid and you'll never be the same again!!!!!!!!! sorry if this incomprehensible idont fucking care im so tired of feeling unreal . its only worsened my paranoia im already afraid of awful things occuring but then my mind cycles through every single little thing that could happen and what i could do and it takes up so much time of my day hdkgskdksjfksjkfnakd its not always these intense serious scenarios it can be something extremely fucking boring or it cannbe about characters but that doesnt make it any fucking better haha i love characters but get out of my fucking head!!!!! the hours just go by and that entire time I'm sitting there doing absolutely nothing but being stuck in my own head . shame shame shame!!!!!!!!!!! i dont even have to be sitting or anything akin to resting , it happens no matter what i do . its stupid and it pisses me off and i hate daydreaming . bye

#kao text

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Wednesday, December 27th, 2023

Why have the past few days been so hard I don't even understand. It's like I know all of the tools to help myself and heal, but like sleeping for example. I know I need to get enough sleep but I keep waking up extremely upset and it's ruining my mornings. I know I need to eat better but I barely have an appetite. I'm on my period and I absolutely fucking hate it. I think I may have some period-related distress disorder or something because this just can't be normal. I wish there was something I could take like an aspirin but instead of pain it would alleviate ridiculous mood swings. My period makes me feel so out of control of my body and so uncomfortable. I'm glad I have found a way to skip it for the most part, but then when I do have one it's 20x worse!!?? So either have it a quarter of the year being a nuisance or 4x a year but terrible?? Idk fml. I feel like a fucking teenager again which is 100% not my fucking speed. I am grown I want to act grown in so tired of bs people and bs situations and bs "how things should go" when it comes to social situations. I don't know how to fucking date anymore and I feel like so FUCKED UP from this past relationship. I'm so used to wringing myself dry, squeezing every drop of myself into someone just to get completely fucked over and forgotten about. I can't do that shit again. But if it's not 100%, what the fuck is it?? 10% 20% 50%? I can't imagine giving 50% of myself to someone I don't fucking know. Maybe like 5% haha. That's expendable, but is that enough to garner anything serious?? Or just a bunch of bs????? Help me please anyone 🙃

7:41am seriously coming to terms with how fucked up my last relationship was. And coming to terms with the fact that it has fucked me uP. I do need therapy tbh that would be an investment for me this year. Idc if it's through the school or not their wait-list is so stupid and long.

I want to be around more women this year, men are just making me lose my fucking mind.

7:21pm just got off of another last minute shift! I called him earlier until he finally picked up bc I can't understand his weird ass games. And weird ass games is 100% correct. He said he "silently cried" in public at his gfs parents house last night bc they kept playing songs that remind him of me.... Bro wtf... I literally don't know what to say to that shit. Then I confronted him about why he took me off everything so abruptly and he basically said that everyone else told him to. He just does whatever everyone else tells him to do, he's such a loser. Then he said that anytime his phone goes off, calls or texts, he gets anxious bc he thinks it's me calling him?? Apparently I make him so anxious now... bc he was the dumb one to get such a paranoid gf a week after we broke up, apparently I'm still the cause of numerous fights between them... Literally tho this is 100% NOT MY FAULT. YOU CANNOT BLAME ME FOR YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR. YOU CERTAINLY CANNOT BLAME ME FOR WANTING YOU AFTER YOU TELLING ME REPEATEDLY THAT YOU WANTED ME AND THAT YOU REGRETTED EVERYTHING. HE'S LITERALLY A FUCKING CRAZY NARCISSIST PUSSY BITCH.

I'm fully convinced that he's a narcissist now bc goddamn ALWAYS HE IS THE VICTIM!!!!! This shit is unbelievable!!!!! I don't ever see us getting back together bc like I said previously, the respect is GONE. On top of being an asshole, he literally has no fucking balls and just takes his fragile ego out on anyone he thinks he can treat like shit/ less than him. Goddamn I feel bad for that girl but on the other hand, she gets what she deserves !!! She can have your crazy ass I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this shit anymore!!!! It's like he's reverting backwards too, really acting like a brat ass teenager again, love triangles and generally NOT BEING A MAN AT ALL. Literally he acts like a child with no emotional regulation and it's sad af honestly. It's really just sad. That's why I cry. Not because I miss him, but bc I feel bad that he really is such a fuckup and I thought I could help him. I cry for my own grieving, overly kind heart that I gave to someone so fucking helpless. Beyond help at this point bc there's so many fucking people ENABLING HIS BEHAVIOR. I am literally outnumbered by stupid fucking idiots who think this shit is acceptable. I simply cannot. Good luck bro.

[timeoverload]

I still can't sleep. I feel like you are mad at me but maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make things better. I know I can't always fix everything but I want to.

I just thought that maybe there was a rule that said you can't date clients which is why I said I wasn't planning on making more appointments with you. I thought that might make things better but maybe I was wrong. I guess I assumed that you had to finish my sleeve before we could be together but I shouldn't assume things. I'm not trying to threaten you and maybe you took that the wrong way. I don't want to leave or abandon you. Of course I want to keep coming back to see you. I want to be with you now. I really want to spend time with you and I wish you could come see me. You are so important to me. If that's the only way I can see you then I guess I will keep making appointments but I don't know how I'm going to afford it. I'm going to have a hard time paying for things as it is but I guess I could just eat less. I enjoy getting tattooed but it is also putting a lot of stress on my body right now.

I'm not trying to betray you or hurt you. I said that I had a broken heart earlier simply because I just want to be with you. You are one of the few people I actually feel comfortable talking to and it feels like you understand me. I know we have had a lot of similar experiences. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I wish you could just tell me what the problem is so I could stop worrying so much. You can be honest with me and I won't be angry. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I just want to make you happy.

Did my dad tell you I couldn't be with you or something? I hope that isn't the reason and I don't know why he would do that to me. I'm an adult and I should be able to be with the person that makes me happy. I wish he could help me more with things because I'm really struggling. I do appreciate the things he does for me and that he makes me food sometimes. I don't expect him to do everything for me because he has enough on his plate right now. I don't want to stress him out more. I know I can be a handful.

I guess I've been feeling jealous of my brother lately too. He doesn't have to go to school or work or do anything. I know my mom created a lot of problems for him but he is an adult now and shouldn't let that hold him back forever. I know he is still very smart and he is capable of doing more. I know he is depressed but I have been too. I think that maybe if he had some structure he wouldn't feel that way. I know I'm not a parent yet so maybe I don't know anything. I think he needs to get help though. I wish he would talk to me. I feel like I'm never going to have a proper relationship with my siblings but I still care about them very much.

I still work really hard every day and I try to be independent. I haven't given up on myself even though I am very tired. I feel like I have been climbing a mountain for years and I'm never going to make it to the top. Is it because I have so many things wrong with me? A lot of the time I feel like I don't fit in. I'm sorry I have so many health problems. Do you think I'm not responsible enough? I know I can be but I have a hard time functioning in this environment. I know my mental health hasn't been the best this year but I'm trying so hard to be better. Am I being too needy or annoying? I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Obviously I've never been in this position in my whole life and I feel like the whole world is watching me. I don't want to fuck anything up but I feel like I already have. I guess I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm glad that there are people that are looking out for me and it does make me feel special and loved. I wish I could actually talk to someone about stuff face to face. Sometimes it feels like I'm just talking to myself on the internet but I know that isn't true. It makes me feel crazy sometimes and I can't help it. I just feel very isolated from the world.

Are you still going through a divorce? I don't want to piss anyone off or be disrespectful. I don't know her but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I know you were trying to tell me that relationship is over so I'm sorry I keep bringing it up.

Is it because you think I wouldn't be a good mom? I know that you need to take care of your son too and I don't want to get in the way of that. I don't want to cause any problems or make things more difficult for him. I can imagine he is having a tough time as it is.

Did you get in trouble for something? Is your boss mad at me? I don't want to create problems for you at work. I know you care about what you do a lot and that your job is very important to you. I don't want you to get fired because of me.

How long do we have to keep communicating through pictures? I'm glad that I get to hear from you somehow when we are apart but it's not as fulfilling as actually getting to talk to you. I still look forward to it anyway. I really do appreciate it. Thank you.

I'm sorry I said anything about the concert. I still have the tickets and I still feel bad about getting rid of them because I don't want to. If I do sell them it won't be till the last minute. I don't know why I feel that way. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about it. I know you wanted to go too.

I'm also not going to Missouri. I just need to be responsible and stay here. I need to save my money. I need to just try to deal with things on my own and I'm being stupid. I guess it was an impulsive thought.

I just don't know anymore and I'm trying to run through the possibilities in my mind. I literally can't shut my brain off and I'm probably overthinking everything again. I don't want to be confused anymore. I want to know what is in the way. I really want things to work out between us. I don't want to lose you.

I wish I could just call you. I want to hug you. I am worried about you. I want to get married and live happily ever after but I know it's not that simple. I wish you could just tell me what's wrong because it makes it hard for me to sleep at night. I feel like my future is up in the air right now. :'( I apologize if I upset you because I'm not trying to do that at all. I'm so sorry.

I just need to go to bed because I think I'm just stressing myself out more. I'm probably just being overemotional and hormonal again. I'm sorry for rambling so much.

I love you. 💖

#personal

[pixelzombie]

Today, I've been thinking about who I am, how I identify, who I would ideally be. I have many resources and opportunities that could easily lead me to a life of satisfaction. Part of me thinks my incessant worry about the future will ensure its doom, part of me thinks I can't avoid doom unless I obsess over it and protect myself painstakingly. Thing is, I'm not even good at protecting myself when I have the blatant ability. I'm not even good at protecting myself when I know I'm being hurt and others are begging me to protect myself. Worrying is twice the torture, ignorance is bliss, go with the flow, etc. I finally got that paperwork done though, and I am going to try to start taking 5-HTP. I've seen really mixed reviews. I am desperate. I've also seen people on Reddit saying those who are affected by my ailments should steer clear, but my ailments are the reason I'm interested in this supplement in the first place. I've accepted that anything that'll help my mood and cognitive symptoms will surely make me a spooked out paranoid mess. I've been a chronic stoner for years despite the weed making many parts of my health decline. I often say I'd rather be crazy and happy than hyper-aware and miserable.

Who am I, though? It seems counterproductive to try to be a certain way, or to define myself rigidly. Although, I often get the feeling that I will just be a perpetual mess without strict guidelines to follow. Being myself, I have been tirelessly working on specific, goal-oriented guidelines to follow. I am horrible with keeping habits, and I get the feeling that if I can procure the perfect regimen then I will finally have my shit together. That looks different in my eyes than it does to the general public, I think. Having my shit together means being happily independent, keeping up with all the little moving parts of life like appointments and errands, have my chores done regularly, have my hygiene in good shape, have my eating habits under control, have satisfying leisure time, stay out of trouble. I want to be more easy going and confident. I reckon I'm tired of being the foolish, self-indulgent, neurotic, hysterical child I've been for so long. I almost feel like an entirely new person, and I'm realizing how grandiose and fucked up my perception of myself used to be. I was deeply insecure while feigning confidence and it showed. I was crude, loud, flashy, oblivious, and naive. I don't even know how I got to that point, or how I was so unaware, but I never want to let it happen again. Before all this realization, I didn't even realize you can "choose" your own friends. I guess I figured you were just always stuck with whoever took interest in you, I only recently realized that you can choose and curate your friend group to be made up of people who share your goals or interests, people who are on a similar maturity level to you, people who participate in the same cultures, people who you find mutual interest in, etc. When it was really hard for me to make friends, I was desperate, and the behaviors that stemmed from the desperation have locked me into situations that I never had to be in. Friends that didn't suit me or understand me, friends that saw me as an easy target, friends who made fun of me or ignored me. This is avoidable as long as I gatekeep myself way better. When I get back to school, I am going to be very selective with who I allow myself to spend a lot of time with. I am very done with anti-recovery culture, immature/childish people, people who are obsessed with social media, people who are snarky or rude, people who can't take accountability, people who sensationalize terrible things, people who are preoccupied with themselves, I'm done with making friends who can't keep up with me, who only talk about mental illness or constantly casually bring it up, who make excuses for their behavior, who don't self-reflect, who are passive-aggressive, who are insensitive, who lie, who view me as another or a novelty because of my ailments, who nitpick, etc. Just so amazed that I ever got to the point of having the types of friends I've had. The following feed on my instagram gives me insight for the horrible culture I've surrounded myself with. People who are refusing to move past their old ways of thinking. It's honestly a lot of diagnosis braggarts, and I guess I was attracted to that sort of thing as a kid because of my pretty damning diagnoses and the effect that has on a kid. I felt isolated, but online were hundreds of people going on and on and on about their diagnoses for "awareness" (Ha Ha) or whatever. Online, there were communities of people fighting over the rareness and seriousness of their own diagnoses. I fit right in with a rare and serious diagnosis. I entered the community, confident to spam about my mental health, but it was different. Eventually, in the community, I was either pestered about my diagnosis and put on a weird pedestal for it, constantly asked questions by people who were worried they had what I had (never even close. MAYBE once, but they usually apparently didn't even actually know the symptoms before they came to me about it) or, on the contrary, people just saw me as weird. Maybe even attention-seeking. I have even been accused of faking and self-diagnosing a couple times.

The community doesn't solely consist of mental illness lovers. There's a pretty even mix of drug addicts, fandom friends, straight-up histrionics, covert 4chan dwellers, and individuals I'd known in real life. I can't say it's a niche that doesn't technically suit me, right? Mental illness, fandom, 4chan... Yeah, sure. But, why would I want to be constantly surrounded by the actual worst parts of my personality. Why feed into that? WHY curate an online experience that validates and encourages the worst parts of my entire self? Exactly, I think instagram actually stunted my own development. I probably could've reached this progress point by the age of 15 if I didn't own an emo fan account at that very time. Anyway, this account is also an opportunity for me to curate a following list that supports the good aspects of myself and encourages me to be the best version of Me I could possibly be.

[dzpenumbra]

10/24/22

I've been very sleep deprived and tired... and depressed... and irritable... all day. Still not caught up on sleep. And as of right now, I have to be up in 7 hours, so I'm going to be brief.

Max has her blood test tomorrow. I have to get up at 12:30, get her to eat her med-laced food by 1 so she's nice and doped up for her appointment at 3. We had a nice little freak-out today because she flat-out refused to eat the food with meds in it that I gave her tonight, around 1 AM. I first gave her vanilla ice cream, since its her favorite and she's usually crazy about it. But I don't know if it was the new vanilla bean flavor or the fact that she could taste the meds in it? But she just fuckin walked right away from it, which is very odd. So I had to throw it out and add another pill to some canned chicken, which is her regular food... and she refused to eat that too. I was freaking out about that for a bit. Like... until about half an hour ago, when we played a bit before bed, then she trotted off. I checked her food dish and she ate the chicken. So... 3 hours late... but she actually did it. So yeah, I was kinda planning on calling the vet in the morning and calling out of the appointment, but now we're on like Donkey Kong. Just need to make sure she eats in the morning, but now that I know this play-before-food trick, I'll give it a shot and see if it helps secure the deal.

All this for lab tests. I had the same kind of problems with my dog. We tried to get her blood drawn and she was just not having it. They couldn't get the vein and she kept pulling her paws, so I had to sedate her just like this. So... it's kinda a little more emotional than just a cat being difficult, which is frustrating enough. It's grief too. So that's tough.

But we're all in the clear now... until the morning.

I feel bad for my mom, I really dumped a lot of stress on her shoulders today. I have been carrying this "my brother is being a dick" stuff on my shoulders for like... several days now. It eats me alive. And I really was just hoping for someone to be like "yeah, you're right, I don't know what his deal is, you don't deserve that, you're just trying to be a good friend and a good brother and he repays you by creating distance? What's up with that?" Just like... having my back. You know? It's been so fucking long since anyone's had my back. She got there, it took us a while, and I just went on and on just venting and letting loose. I always feel bad about doing that. But god is it so relieving. To just get it out.

It's such a weird thing about isolation. You can say shit out loud to yourself and vent and rant and all that... but it really just doesn't compare to talking to another person about it. When it's working, I guess it's worth clarifying that. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

So yeah, I feel like shit for doing that, but she seemed to really get it and offered to talk to him. I pray he doesn't flip out on her. If he does... yeah, that's gonna be bad. So... yeah. My family is so fucking weird. It makes me really insecure, knowing how fucked up like every member of my family is and how completely oblivious they seem to it... it makes me constantly paranoid that there's some stuff about myself that I'm blind to. And I'm sure there is. Makes me super insecure. So... I'm not really sure how to cope with that. Because honestly, it seems like everyone has these blind spots, their own individualized ones. I feel like part of self-improvement and self-care is paying attention to those, and working on those. But like... I don't know, maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of myself for that. Maybe it's okay for me to have blind spots and I don't have to neurotically go around trying to be perfect and flawless all the time.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to work on this stuff anymore, it feels like it's just non-stop. I have a big day tomorrow and a drugged up cat to reassure and keep calm and loved.

Oh, and I added literally 3 lines to the hoodie. I'm totally being a perfectionist in both self-care and artwork and it really needs to stop. It's roadblocking me in every aspect of my life. I need to let go and go zentangle style again. Stop obsessing with perfect symmetry, slap some rough guidelines on (at most) and just start drawing shit.

We'll see if tomorrow-Me agrees.

#diary #journal #online diary #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts

[unsprouted-seed]

Yeah ... I knew this was coming. Eating is too much... Is it really a relapse at this point? was it ever not? Hard questions to answer... either way I’m definitely back.

I think it’s just... gonna be like this. At least til I see my dr. The constant fight for control, back and forth. Starve one day, eat the next. But I feel very much detached from it right now.

Got tired of being sober. Drank some more. Seems like a terrible fucking idea, especially on an empty stomach, esp after such a bad experience so recently. Oh well. I’m taking it WAY slower. Had one glass of wine and I’m already pretty tipsy... no need to push it too far, I’m just glad to be feeling a bit out of it. Sobriety’s just too hard right now. ‘sides, wine’s got lots of cals... so better if I don’t have too much...

Pulled the trigger on my new housemate. My current housing situation’s on the verge of dissolving and the alternative’s moving in with my family which... god, what a nightmare that would be. So I stopped pretending I have a real option and just told my new housemate to come on down. I’ll work out the details when I work them out... I’m sick of having to have all the answers for everyone so hopefully it’ll work out but I can’t see the future... all I know is that it’s more likely to work out okay with another person than not. Maybe it’ll be great.

My uncle’s a recovering alcoholic. Apparently so much so that the doctors were afraid that he’d go into critical withdrawals if he stopped drinking too fast. Like, a really intense alcoholic. I’ve known plenty of alcoholics, drug addicts, and mentally complex people... and I had no idea that he had this situation. When he told me it was a big surprise, because I’d always thought of him as a really stable, put-together guy. Made me wonder...

I sit here and think ... I HATE being seen to eat, I HATE being seen to gain weight, to be seen to even be the weight I am now. I hate the idea of people looking at me and thinking “She doesn’t LOOK anorexic to me...” when I told mum it was SO hard because she had exactly the reaction I expected: shock. It was like... the least likely thing I could’ve said to her. Partly cos I hid it really well and partly cos... I don’t “look anorexic.” And that makes it SO fucking hard to even consider recovery. Not just because I don’t feel anything like what I want to... I’m nowhere near a gw that would work for me. But because ... when people look at me... people who KNOW I’m anorexic... I can FEEL their judgement, FEEL them scanning me for signs and symptoms and hints and shit, I feel the need to prove myself because my body doesn’t do it for me. I LOVE blood tests because they’re a catastrophe. I can point at them and say “SEE??? SEE????? IT SAYS RIGHT THERE, STARVATION!! LOOK I’M NOT LYING!”

I know that I’m paranoid. I KNOW that I’m paranoid, I’ve looked it up, I’m definitionally paranoid, I’ve been paranoid my whole life. I KNOW that when I can ... FEEL people judgeing me, when I can almost hear their thoughts, when I’m so fucking frail to their gaze and I’m cowering by the door wondering what the delivery person will think of me for ordering whatever i’ve ordered, or when I KNOW what my family’s imagining as they look at me, or when I just...

I know I’m paranoid.

But that doesn’t make me less paranoid. It just makes me more aware of how crazy I am, and more angry at myself for not being able to change it.

And I know that paranoia is a part of anorexia. I know the two go hand in toxic hand, dragging me down the same terrible path. I know that... even as I feel absolutely powerless to stop it. But I can’t help but wonder... When I describe anorexia to people addicted to other things I find it so helpful to describe it in terms of addiction. Addiction to control, to loss, to pain, to the agony of it. I just wonder... does my uncle fear that he doesn’t look alcoholic enough? Does he sit there and think ... if people don’t see him at his worst... was it even real? If he doesn’t hit rock bottom... if he’s not in hospital... if he’s not in the grave... is he alcoholic enough for people to treat him well? For them to believe him? For him to truly, honestly recover?

Would that even make sense to him to ask?

[rubylane]

*   𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑  𝐁𝐘  𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀  𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐎  .      lyric starters from sour, change pronouns as needed.

𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐥 .

❛   i  want  it  to  be ,  like ,  messy .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  insecure .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  caught  up  in  the  news  of  who  likes  me  and  who  hates  you .  ❜ ❛   they’d  all  be  so  disappointed .  ❜ ❛   where’s  my  fucking  teenage  dream ?  ❜ ❛   i  don't  stick  up  for  myself .  ❜ ❛   i'm  anxious  and  nothing  can  help .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  people  liked  me  more .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  try  my  best .  ❜ ❛   this  the  kind  of  thanks  i  get ?  ❜ ❛   i  wish  i  could  disappear .  ❜ ❛   god ,  it's  brutal  out  here .  ❜ ❛   i  feel  like  no  one  wants  me .  ❜ ❛   i  only  have  two  real  friends .  ❜

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫 .

❛   i  played  dumb  but  i  always  knew .  ❜ ❛   i  kept  quiet  so  i  could  keep  you .  ❜ ❛   ain’t  it  funny  how  you  said  you  were  friends ?  ❜ ❛   you  betrayed  me .  ❜ ❛   i  know  that  you'll  never  feel  sorry .  ❜ ❛   loved  you  at  your  worst  but  that  didn't  matter .  ❜ ❛   but  you’re  still  a  traitor .  ❜ ❛   there’s  no  damn  way  that  you  could  fall  in  love  with  somebody  that  quickly .  ❜ ❛   and  you  told  me  i  was  paranoid .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  that  you  had  thought  this  through  before  i  went  and  fell  in  love  with  you .  ❜

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 .

❛   i  got  my  driver's  license  last  week .  ❜ ❛   she's  everything  i'm  insecure  about .  ❜ ❛   how  could  i  ever  love  someone  else ?  ❜ ❛   i  know  we  weren’t  perfect  but  i’ve  never  felt  this  way  for  no  one .  ❜ ❛   i  just  can’t  imagine  how  you  could  be  so  okay  now  that  i’m  gone .  ❜ ❛   all  my  friends  are  tired  of  hearing  how  much  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   i  kinda  feel  sorry  for  them .  ❜ ❛   they'll  never  know  you  the  way  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  didn't  mean  what  you  wrote  in  that  song  about  me .  ❜ ❛   i  still  see  your  face  in  the  white  cars .  ❜ ❛   can't  drive  past  the  places  we  used  to  go  to .  ❜ ❛   i  still  fuckin’  love  you .  ❜ ❛   i  still  hear  your  voice  in  the  traffic .  ❜ ❛   you  said  forever .  ❜ ❛   now  i  drive  alone  past  your  street .  ❜

𝟏 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝, 𝟑 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 .

❛   i  called  you  on  the  phone  today .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  speak  normally .  ❜ ❛   somehow  i  still  struck  a  nerve .  ❜ ❛   you  got  me  fucked  up  in  the  head .  ❜ ❛   never  doubted  myself  so  much .  ❜ ❛   like  am  i  pretty ?  ❜ ❛   i  hate  that  i  give  you  power  over  that  kinda  stuff .  ❜ ❛   it's  always  one  step  forward  and  three  steps  back .  ❜ ❛   i’m  the  love  of  your  life  until  i  make  you  mad .  ❜ ❛   do  you  love  me ,  want  me ,  hate  me ?  ❜ ❛   no,  i  don't  understand .  ❜ ❛   maybe  in  some  masochistic  way  i  kind  of  find  it  all  exciting .  ❜ ❛   which  lover  will  i  get  today ?  ❜ ❛   will  you  walk  me  to  the  door  or  send  me  home  crying ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  say  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  do  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   maybe  this  is  all  your  fault  instead .  ❜ ❛   i'd  leave  you,  but  the  rollercoaster's  all  i've  ever  had .  ❜

𝐝𝐞𝐣𝐚 𝐯𝐮 .

❛   i  bet  she’s  braggin’  to  all  her  friends .  ❜ ❛   so  when  you  gonna  tell  her  that  we  did  that ,  too ?  ❜ ❛   she  thinks  it's  special,  but  it's  all  reused .  ❜ ❛   do  you  call  her ,  almost  say  my  name ?  ❜ ❛   that  was  our  place .  ❜ ❛   i  found  it  first .  ❜ ❛   do  you  get  déjà  vu ?  ❜ ❛   let’s  be  honest ,  we  kinda  do  sound  the  same .  ❜ ❛   i  hate  to  think  that  i  was  just  your  type .  ❜ ❛   that  was  the  show  we  talked  about .  ❜ ❛   don’t  act  like  we  didn’t  do  that  shit ,  too .  ❜ ❛   a  different  girl  now,  but  there's  nothing  new .  ❜

𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝟒 𝐮 .

❛   well ,  good  for  you .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  moved  on  really  easily .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  said  that  you  wanted  to  give  me  the  world ?  ❜ ❛   you  look  happy  and  healthy .  ❜ ❛   not  me ,  if  you  ever  cared  to  ask .  ❜ ❛   you’re  doin’  great  out  there  without  me .  ❜ ❛   god ,  i  wish  that  i  could  do  that .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  lost  my  mind .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  spent  the  night  cryin’  on  the  floor  of  my  bathroom .  ❜ ❛   you’re  so  unaffected .  ❜ ❛   i  really  don't  get  it .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you’re  gettin’  everything  you  want .  ❜ ❛   it's  like  we  never  even  happened .  ❜ ❛   what  the  fuck  is  up  with  that ?  ❜ ❛   it's  like  you  never  even  met  me .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  swore  to  god  i  was  the  only  person  who  ever  got  you ?  ❜ ❛   you  will  never  have  to  hurt  the  way  you  know  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i'm  too  emotional .  ❜ ❛   your  apathy’s  like  a  wound  in  salt .  ❜ ❛   maybe  you  never  cared  at  all .  ❜

𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 .

❛   ‘cause  i  thought  you'd  like  me  more .  ❜ ❛   tried  so  hard  to  be  everything  that  you liked .  ❜ ❛   stupid ,  emotional ,  obsessive  little  me .  ❜ ❛   i  knew  from  the  start  this  is  exactly  how  you’d  leave .  ❜ ❛   the  nеxt  second,  you  were  gone .  ❜ ❛   you  left  me  there  crying .  ❜ ❛   you  always  say  i'm  never  satisfied .  ❜ ❛   but  i  don't  think  that's  true .  ❜ ❛   all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  for  you .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i’m  just  not  as  interesting .  ❜ ❛   you  couldn't  have  cared  less  about  someone  who  loved  you  more .  ❜ ❛   i’d  say  you  broke  my  heart .  ❜ ❛   but  you  broke  much  more  than  that .  ❜ ❛   now  i  don't  want  your  sympathy .  ❜ ❛   i  just  want  myself  back .  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  be  used  and  discarded ?  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  think  i  deserve  nothing ?  ❜ ❛   don't  tell  me  you're  sorry .  ❜ ❛   feel  sorry  for  yourself .  ❜ ❛   someday  i'll  be  everything  to  somebody  else .  ❜ ❛   you'll  be  the  one  who's  crying .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  think  anything  could  ever  be  enough  for  you .  ❜

𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐫 .

❛   i  thought  my  heart  was  detached .  ❜ ❛   does  she  mean  you  forgot  about  me ?  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you're  happy  but  not  like  how  you  were  with  me .  ❜ ❛   i’m  selfish,  i  know  .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy .  ❜ ❛   but  don’t  be  happier .  ❜ ❛   an  eternal  love  bullshit  you  know  you’ll  never  mean .  ❜ ❛   now  i’m  pickin’  her  apart .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  you  all  the  best ,  really .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy,  but  don't  be  happier .  ❜

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲, 𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲 .

❛   i�� kinda  wanna  throw  my  phone  across  the  room .  ❜ ❛   wish  i  didn't  care .  ❜ ❛   i  know  their  beauty’s  not  my  lack .  ❜ ❛   It  feels  like  that  weight  is  on  my  back .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  let  it  go .  ❜ ❛   comparison  is  killing  me  slowly .  ❜ ❛   i  think  i  think  too  much .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  sick  of  myself .  ❜ ❛   i’d  rather  be  anyone  else .  ❜ ❛   my  jealousy  started  following  me .  ❜ ❛   i  see  everyone  getting  all  the  things  i  want .  ❜ ❛   i’m  happy  for  them,  but  then  again,  i’m  not .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  stand  it .  ❜ ❛   oh  god ,  i  sound  crazy .  ❜ ❛   their  win  is  not  my  loss .  ❜ ❛   i  can’t  help  getting  caught  up  in  it  all .  ❜ ❛   all  your  friends  are  so  cool .  ❜ ❛   yeah,  you're  living  the  life .  ❜ ❛   i  wanna  be  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  even  know  you .  ❜ ❛   all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be .  ❜

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞 .

❛   know  that  i  loved  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  let  you  treat  me  like  that .  ❜ ❛   i  was  your  willing  accomplice .  ❜ ❛   i  watched  as  you  fled  the  scene .  ❜ ❛   the  things  i  did  just  so  i  could  call  you  mine .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime .  ❜ ❛   you  used  me  as  an  alibi .  ❜ ❛   i  crossed  my  heart  as  you  crossed  the  line .  ❜ ❛   i  defended  you  to  all  my  friends .  ❜ ❛   you  know  that  i'd  do  it  all  again .  ❜ ❛   it’s  bittersweet  to  think  about  the  damage  that  we’d  do .  ❜ ❛   i  was  doin’  it  with  you .  ❜ ❛   i  say  that  i  hate  you  with  a  smile  on  my  face .  ❜ ❛   look  what  we  became .  ❜

𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐤 .

❛   somehow  we  fell  out  of  touch .  ❜ ❛   hope  he  took  his  bad  deal  and  made  a  royal  flush .  ❜ ❛   don’t  know  if  i’ll  see  you  again  someday .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  okay .  ❜ ❛   we  don't  talk  much .  ❜ ❛   i  just  gotta  say  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   address  the  letters  to  the  holes  in  my  butterfly  wings .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  forever .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  as  good  as  it  seems .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you  know  how  proud  i  am  you  were  created .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  happier  today .  ❜

#rp meme #lyric meme #rp sentence starters #lyric sentence starters #* mine . #sour olivia rodrigo

[blackcatrph]

** sour  sentence  starters.

brutal.

“  i think that i’ll die before i drink.  ”

“  i'm so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you.  ”

“  i'm so tired that I might quit my job, start a new life.  ”

“  they'd all be so disappointed  because who am I if not exploited?  ”

“  where's my fuckin' teenage dream?  ”

“  if someone tells me one more time "enjoy your youth," I'm gonna cry.  ”

“  i'm anxious and nothing can help.  ”

“  i wish I'd done this before.  ”

“  i wish people liked me more.  ”

“  all I did was try my best.  ”

“  this the kind of thanks I get?  ”

“  they say these are the golden years.  ”

“  i wish I could disappear.  ”

“  god, it's brutal out here.  ”

“  i feel like no one wants me.  ”

“  i only have two real friends.  ”

“  lately I'm a nervous wreck.  ”

“  i love people I don't like.  ”

“  i hate every song I write.  ”

“  i'm not cool, and I'm not smart.  ”

“  i can't even parallel park.  ”

“  got a broken ego, broken heart.  ”

“  i don't even know where to start.  ”

traitor.

“  brown guilty eyes and little white lies.  ”

“  i played dumb but I always knew.  ”

“  i kept quiet so I could keep you.  ”

“  ain't it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits?  ”

“  ain't it funny how you said you were friends?  ”

“  it sure as hell don't look like it.  ”

“  you betrayed me.  ”

“  i know that you'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt.  ”

“  loved you at your worst but that didn't matter.  ”

“  guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor.  ”

“  there's no damn way that you could fall in love with somebody that quickly.  ”

“  ain't it funny, all the twisted games, all the questions you used to avoid?  ”

“  remember I brought her up and you told me I was paranoid?  ”

“  i wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.  ”

“  you gave me your word but that didn't matter.  ”

drivers  license. 

“  i got my driver's license last week.  ”

“  just like we always talked about.  ”

“  today I drove through the suburbs crying 'cause you weren't around.  ”

“  you're probably with that blonde girl.  ”

“  she's so much older than me.  ” 

“  she's everything I'm insecure about.  ”

“  how could I ever love someone else?   “

“  i know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one.  ”

“  i just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone.  ”

“  guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me.  ”

“  all my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you.  ”

“  I kinda feel sorry for them because they'll never know you the way that I do.  ”

“  i still see your face in the white cars, front yards.  ”

“  can't drive past the places we used to go to because I still fuckin' love you.  ”

1  step  forward,  3  steps  back.

“  i called you on the phone today.  ”

“  all I did was speak normally.  ”

“  you got me fucked up in the head.  ”

“  like am I pretty? am I fun?  ”

“  i hate that I gave you power over that kind of stuff.  ”

“  it's always one step forward and three steps back.  ”

“  i'm the love of your life until I make you mad.  ”

“  do you love me, want me, hate me? i don't understand.  ”

“  maybe in some masochistic way I kind of find it all exciting.  ”

“  which lover will I get today?  ”

“  will you walk me to the door or send me home cryin'?  ”

“  it's back and forth, did I say somethin' wrong?  ”

“  it's back and forth, goin' over everything I said.  ”

“  i'd leave you, but the roller coaster's all I've ever had.  ”

deja vu.

“  strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two?  ”

“  i bet she's braggin' to all her friends, sayin' you're so unique.  ”

“  so when you gonna tell her that we did that, too?  ”

“  that was our place, I found it first.  ”

“  i made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you.  ”

“  do you get déjà vu when she's with you?  ”

“  do you call her, almost say my name?  ”

“  i hate to think that I was just your type.  ”

“  don't act like we didn't do that shit too.  ”

“  play her piano, but she doesn't know that I was the one who taught you Billy Joel.  ”

good  4  u.

“  well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.  ”

“  you found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks.  ”

“  remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?  ”

“  good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself.  ” 

“  i guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped.  ”

“  now you can be a better man for your brand new girl.  ”

“  well, good for you, you look happy and healthy.  ”

“  not me, if you ever cared to ask.  ”

“  good for you, you're doin' great out there without me.  ”

“  i've lost my mind.  ”

“  i've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom.  ”

“  it's like we never even happened.  ”

“  what the fuck is up with that?  ”

“  good for you, it's like you never even met me.  ”

“  remember when you swore to god i was the only person who ever got you?  ”

“  well, screw that and screw you.  ”

“  you will never have to hurt the way you know that I do.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional.  ”

“  your apathy's like a wound in salt.  ”

“  maybe I'm too emotional  or maybe you never cared at all.  ”

“  like a damn sociopath.  ”

enough  for  you.

“  i wore makeup when we dated because I thought you'd like me more.  ”

“  i know that you loved before.  ”

“  tried so hard to be everything that you like.  ”

“  i read all of your self-help books so you'd think that I was smart.  ”

“  stupid, emotional, obsessive little me.  ”

“  i knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave.  ”

“  you found someonе more exciting.  ”

“  you left me there cryin', wonderin' what I did wrong.  ”

“  you always say I'm never satisfied but I don't think that's true.  ”

“  all I ever wanted was to be enough for you.  ”

“  maybe I'm just not as interesting as the girls you had before.  ”

“  you couldn't have cared less about someone who loved you more.  ”

“  i'd say you broke my heart but you broke much more than that.  ”

“  i don’t want your sympathy, i just want myself back.  ”

“  don’t you think i loved you too much to be used and discarded?  ”

“  don't you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?  ”

“  don’t tell me you’re sorry, feel sorry for yourself.  ”

“  someday i’ll be everything to somebody else.  ”

“  you’ll be the one crying.  ”

happier.

“  we broke up a month ago. ”

“  your friends are mine you know.  ”

“  you’ve moved on, found someone new.  ”

“  i thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past.  ”

“  she’s so sweet, she’s so pretty.  ”

“  does she mean you forgot about me ?  ”

“  i hope you’re happy but not like how you were with me.  ”

“  i’m selfish i know. i can’t let you go.  ”

“  find someone great, but don’t find no one better.  ”

“  i hope you’re happy, but don’t be happier.  ”

 “  do you tell her she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?  ”

“  an eternal love bullshit you know you’ll never mean.  ”

“  remember when i believe you meant it when you said it first to me?  ”

“  now i’m picking her apart like cutting her down will make you miss my wretched heart.  ”

“  she’s beautiful, she looks kind.  ”

“  she probably gives you butterflies.  ”

“  i wish you all the best, really.  ”

“  say you love her, just not like you loved me.  ”

“  think of me fondly when your hands are on her.  ”

jealousy  jealousy.

“  i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room.  ”

“  all i see are girls too good to be true.  ”

“  i know their beauty’s not my lack but it feels like that weight is on my back.  ”

“  comparison is killing me slowly.  ”

“  i think i think too much.  ”

“  i’m so sick of myself, i’d rather be anyone else.  ”

“  my jealousy started following me.  ”

“  i see everyone getting all the things i want.  ”

“  i’m happy for them, but then again, i’m not.  ”

“  i can’t stand it.  ” 

“  oh god i sound crazy.  ”

“  their win is not my loss, i know it’s true.  ”

“  i can’t help getting caught up in it all.  ”

“  all your friends are so cool.  ”

“  you go out every night.  ”

“  you’re living the life.  ”

“  i want to be you so bad, and i don’t even know you.  ”

“  all i see is what i should be.  ”

favourite  crime.

“  know that i love you so bad.�� ”

“  i let you treat me like that.  ”

“  i was your willing accomplice.  ”

“  i watched as you fled the scene.  ”

“  doe-eyed as you buried me.  ”

“  the things i did just so i could call you mine.  ”

“  the things you did. well, i hope i was your favourite crime.  ”

“  you used me as an alibi.  ”

“  i crossed my heart and you crossed the line.  ”

“  i defended you to all my friends.  ”

“  every time i siren sounds, i wonder if you’re around.  ”

“  you know that i’d do it all again.  ”

“  it’s bittersweet to think about the damage that we’d do.  ”

“  i was going down but i was doing it with you.  ”

“  i say that i hate you with a smile on my face.  ”

“  look what we became.  ” 

hope  ur  ok.

“  his parents cared more about the bible than being good to their own child.  ”

“  wore long sleeves because of his dad.  ”

“  somehow we fell out of touch.  ”

“  hope he took his bad deal and made a royal flush.  ”

“  don’t know if i’ll see you again someday.  ”

“  i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  her parents hated who she loved.  ”

“  she was brought into a world where family was merely blood.  ” 

“  with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred.  ”

“  we don’t talk much.  ”

“  i miss you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”

“  address the letter to the holes in my butterfly wings.  ”

“  nothing’s forever, nothing is as good as it seems.  ”

“  when the clouds are ironed our and the monsters creep into your house, every door is hard to close.  ”

“  i hope you know how proud i am.  ”

“  i hope that you’re happier today.  ”

“  i love you and i hope that you’re okay.  ”  

#rp meme #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #ask meme #rp ask prompts #lyrical meme #lyric rp meme #this took approx 900 years to make