#fuck this is only day two. i am already spiraling so hard fuck

[do-rey-me]

my body: hey you know how youve been struggling a lot with depression lately? how abt a disease that forces you to isolate yourself from everyone and also plays right into your eating issues! does that help? :)

#this is only day two #at least when i had scarlet fever i wasnt alone :/ #i cant go into my own kitchen and figure out food for myself and honestly the anxiety i feel abt that is already ruining me #and theres only one bathroom which isnt great for trying to quarantine from the rest of the house #meaning i (someone who already has somewhat crippling chronic fatigue) have to clean the bathroom every time i use it #super duper encouraging for me to keep hydrating and all the other stuff thatll helpe get better #fuck #hold on i need to tag this #vent tw #all better :))))) #fuck this is only day two. i am already spiraling so hard fuck

[megamindsecretlair]

Sunday

Pairing: Tyrone x Black!reader / Plus Size reader

Warnings: 18+, Minors DNI, multiple uses of the n-word, refer to female anatomy as "she". You are in charge of your own reading experience. Intentional use of AAVE. Smut, PWP, cursing, PIV, oral (fem receiving), cum play, breeding kink if you squint, possession kink, size kink, all consensual. Mentions of drug use and drug dealing, allusions to violence and murder.

Summary: You usually visit your grandmother on the weekends but manage to cross paths with Tyrone one day and your life was forever changed.

Word Count: 3,025k

A/N: You ever get an idea you just can't get out of your head? This was me with this fic and I had too much fun writing it! John Boyega got no business being that damn fine and I am absolutely feral. Enjoy my brain rot. Likes are always awesome. Please consider commenting and reblogging to help support writers!

Taglist: @planetblaque @dayjlovesromance @sevikasblackgf @melaninpov @amyhennessyhouse @wakandas-vibranium @henneseyhoe @honeyoriginalz @justheretostan @black-fairy3 @superhoeva @jarfulloftears @hereformiles @montysstuffs

Tyrone knew that you didn’t want to mess with no banger. It was only by accident that you two even met. You were visiting your grandmother early in the afternoon. You usually went on the weekends, early in the morning to watch her stories with her and then you were long gone by the time Tyrone rolled out of bed and headed to the corner store.

You happened to be in the neighborhood and stopped to check on her. She was doing fine as usual, except she wanted some ice cream. As always, you told her to get her sugar down and maybe you’d sneak her something. She always managed to find the little piece of candy in your pocket. It was your secret and it didn’t hurt. 

As you were walking out of the house, Tyrone pulled up blasting music with the windows rolled down. He caught you looking and gave you one of those fuck boy smiles. Licked his lips and looked you up and down. You intended to ignore him. But hell, you weren’t blind. 

He had gotten out of the car lazily. Swinging his legs out of the car and stretching a bit, showing his stomach as his black shirt rode up. He walked up to you confidently and held out his hand. 

“Tyrone,” he said. No other words, no other fake ass compliments. Just his name because he was that damn cocky. 

You shook his hand and gave him a polite smile. You told him your name and he rolled it around his tongue. “Pretty ass name,” he said. 

You rolled your eyes. “How many little girls does that work on?” You had asked him. 

He nodded and shrugged. “A few, I ain’t gon’ lie,” he said. 

“Good, ‘cause I’on like liars,” you told him. 

He put his hands in the pockets of his sweats and eyed you up and down once more. He took in the horror movie on your T-shirt. “You watch that shit?” 

“I wouldn’t wear if I didn’t,” you told him. 

From there, it spiraled into Tyrone waking up just a bit earlier to see you come out of your grandmother’s house. He’d give you shit about whatever was on your T-shirt for the day. Sometimes, you’d wear something wild just to see what he’d say. 

“Pussy: Push until she screams yes?” Tyrone read your shirt and burst out laughing. He was so damn sexy. From his cornrows to his big, sexy ass lips, and his deep voice. It was hard not to crush on the man. But you didn’t want to. You didn’t want all the drama that came from his world. Not like he made it fuckin’ easy to resist him. 

He was always finding ways to touch you. Whether it was to get your attention, push you, poke you, or pull you closer by your shirt. “I’m just trynna read it, damn!” He’d say and pull you too close where you knew damn well he couldn’t read that shit. 

The heat of his body was like a furnace. Like touching a hot stove. LA was already fuckin’ hot this summer. The sun wasn’t pulling punches and neither was Tyrone. 

“Come chill for a bit,” he’d say. 

“Boy bye, I’m not coming in there with you!” You’d tell him. 

It was cool. He’d try again the next time he saw you and the time after that. Your crush got so bad that you were starting to linger if you arrived before he got up. If he wasn’t sitting on the porch when you pulled up, he was definitely sitting on it when you got out. He’d wait patiently for you to visit with your grandmother and he’d ask how she was doing. 

Your grandma used to tell you about the nice young man next door. She was always dropping hints about that nice boy who helped her with the groceries sometimes. You thought it was just some punk kid looking for a favor. But to actually meet Tyrone…yeah, you kind of got it.

He was the perfect mix of hood, toxic, and a good man. You didn’t know how it was possible. He probably had a couple of bodies on the gun hanging out of his backside. You couldn’t help but notice it every time he turned around. You were already staring at his juicy ass. The gun made you uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. The chief among them being that at any point, his ass could be taken out by other hood muthafuckas on the block. 

That one fact kept you from ever getting too close. It was hard to tell your heart that. The poor idiot just wanted him. So you always found some excuse to leave or bow out. You’d blame it on meeting up with your friends or your parents or work. 

Tyrone just gave you that same cocky smirk and he’d tell you he’d miss you. He’d watch you walk away and get in the car. You’d feel his eyes on the back of your head. 

“Come chill for a bit. And don’t give me no shit about work or whatever. I know yo ass lyin’,” he said.

“I’on like lying,” you told him. 

“Then give me a good reason why you won’t come inside,” he said. He stared at you intently, daring you to contradict him or give him a lame excuse. 

“I don’t fuck with bangers,” you told him. 

He’d playfully roll his eyes and wave you off. “I don’t even bang like that,” he said. 

Now it was your turn to roll your eyes. Sometimes he’d be out here with his friends. You knew dope dealers when you saw them. They were constantly passing bottles and pills back and forth with all kinds of people. Getting money in exchange to do whatever the hell he did with it. Probably spent it on some girl he was fuckin’. 

You weren’t jealous, by much. You’d seen the way he walked. That nigga was cocky for a reason. And you wanted no parts. Okay, maybe some parts. 

He finally tugged on your hand and led you inside of his house. You were expecting it be gross or filthy. But it was surprisingly clean. He had a couch and some chairs, minimal artwork, and the kitchen was decent. He had a flat screen TV on turned to some game. 

He sat down on the couch and pulled you close until you were snuggled up against him. “I’m not fuckin’ you Tyrone,” you said.

He laughed and shook his head. “That’s yo nasty ass mind in the gutter. I just wanted you close to me,” he said. 

“Mhm,” you muttered.

His phone rang and he picked it up. You couldn’t hear what the other person was saying but you knew it was a woman. You smirked at him while he looked at you. “I’m a little busy,” he said to the person. 

The person began yelling and Tyrone hung up the phone and tossed it onto the glass coffee table. 

“Who was that?” You asked with a smirk. 

“Shit, I’on know,” he said. 

You shook your head. “You probably got a girl for every day of the week,” you said. 

“I’m just missin’ Sunday. You free?” He asked.

“Boy, shut up!” You laughed. You stole his remote and flipped through channels until you landed on a thriller you love. You caught it near the beginning and you told Tyrone what he needed to know to catch him up.

“I can’t believe you don’t watch TV. Like…everyone watches TV,” you said. 

He shrugged. “I just don’t watch it like that. I got shit to do,” he said. 

“Yo ass just like sitting outside to see what you can get into,” you said. 

“I just like watchin’ yo pretty ass,” he said. 

You sighed and twisted your lips at him. “You already know that shit don’t work on me, Tyrone,” you said. 

He chuckled and pulled you closer. You were already so close to him. You could smell his clean, soapy scent mixed with weed. He kissed your cheek and smirked at you. “I been seeing you round here for weeks. I see the way you look at me,” he said.

“Like you crazy?” You asked.

“Naw, like you trynna see what this dick can do for you.”

You choked on a laugh and slapped at his stomach. It was solid under your hand. Not super thick with corded muscles but he had some meat on him. Strong, capable, tough. “Now who’s got the gutter mind?” 

He pinched your shirt and released it. “How many licks does it take?” He asked. His voice was low and rusty. It sent tingles up the back of your thighs. You shifted in your seat and tried to lean off of him but he held you to him. Not giving you an inch. 

“Tyrone…” you warned him. You didn’t want to start this shit. But he looked at you like he was trying to eat you for dinner. He licked his lips and looked at your eyes, your cheeks, your lips. His hand roamed over your bare legs, exposed in your cut off shorts. So what if you wore it just for him? It was harmless. Until his fingers played with the distressed hem. 

“Let me see what it taste like,” he said. 

Your pussy contracted and you felt yourself getting wetter. You were always wet whenever you spoke to him. Some days, after seeing him, you’d go home and take care of yourself. You’d even set the mood. You’d replay the conversation and his flirting while running a bath. Setting up some candles. Laying on your bed and using your vibrator as you came just to the image of him in your mind. 

But it paled in comparison to feeling his body next to yours. His fingers on your thigh and his arm around your shoulders. He leaned down and captured your lips in his. His juicy lips were wet and hot and he sucked on your bottom lip. Your kisses were loud and sloppy and you wiggled on the couch trying to find some relief.

“Let me see what it taste like,” he said again. 

“Ain’t yo momma at home?” You asked.

He shook his head. “She don’t never come out her room. Her TV too loud, she won’t hear shit,” he said. 

You scowled. The last thing you wanted was to meet his mom with your ass up in the air getting pounded by her baby boy. He saw the look on your face and smirked. 

He grabbed your hand and pulled you to his room. It fit him. There were posters on the wall and his clothes strewn about. He picked up some of it off of his bed and closed his bedroom door. 

Then he was back to kissing you and running his hands over your ass. He squeezed and kneaded the globes of your ass and you moaned into his mouth. Your hands grabbed his shirt and yanked it off of him, finally giving you an entire view of his body. Fuck, he was so hot. His sexy brown skin was lickable. Your ran your hands greedily on him. 

Tyrone slipped your hoodie off your shoulders and then unbuttoned your shorts. He pushed it and your panties down your legs. Then he got rid of your shirt and bra until you were standing buck ass naked in his room. 

You reached for his sweats and he batted your hand away. “Get on the bed,” he said.

“Who the hell you talkin’ to like that?” You asked.

Instead of answering, he grabbed you and pushed you onto the bed. You bounced as you sat down. You opened your mouth to say something but he grabbed your legs and pushed them as far as he could. 

He studied your wet pussy and the way you contracted as he looked. He smirked and looked at you. “Needy little fuckin’ pussy, ain’t she?” 

You gasped and huffed out a laugh. He got to his knees and ran his tongue down the crease of your fold. He moaned. “Goddamn, you taste fuckin’ good. But how many licks does it take?” 

He was quoting your shirt again. Your hands were braced behind you to keep you upright. Your chest bobbed up and down as you started to hyperventilate. You had imagined him between your legs for weeks. Too cowardly to say anything to him. You hid behind the “I don’t fuck with bangers” line. You were sure that little bit of armor was all you needed to resist Tyrone. If that were true, you wouldn’t be moaning at the sight of him kneeling before you.

His nose nudged your pussy lips and he inhaled. “Fuck,” he whispered before kissing you there. His tongue darted out and he began to lick you, kiss you, suck on you until you were a whimpering mess. 

Your legs were shaking as he tongue fucked you. “Oh fuck, oh shit, Tyrone. Fuuuuck,” you moaned. You leaned on one hand while you dug your nails into his hair. 

“Stop fuckin’ playin’ with me,” he said. He stared at you, almost angrily, as he went back to eating you out. 

Your stomach was on fire as pressure built low and steady. He flicked the little nub until you were sobbing and cumming on his tongue. He leaned up with that signature cocky grin. Your juices were all over his mouth and chin. He wiped it away with his hand. 

“Got a nigga sprung over here,” he said. “I wanna see what else this pussy can do,” he said. He drew down his sweats and his cock sprang free. 

It was long and thick and your eyes widened. “Where the hell you gonna put that?” You asked. There was no fuckin’ way that was fitting inside of you. It was truly a one-eyed monster. Thick and veiny. The head was already leaking a little bit. 

He grinned as he stroked himself. “Sit yo pretty ass back,” he said. He didn’t wait for you to comply. He pushed on your stomach until your back hit the bed. He grabbed your fleshy thighs and yanked until you were half hanging off of the bed. 

He wrapped your legs around his waist as he dipped his cock inside of you. There was already a slight burning and you moaned. “Fuck, Tyrone. You’re too big,” you whined. 

“Suck it up, ‘cause this finna be my favorite spot,” he said. “Shit, this all mine now.” 

You laughed but it turned into a gasp as he started to work himself inside you. He pleasantly stretched you out as he gave shallow strokes to wet his dick with your arousal and make him sliding in easier. 

Then, he added his thumb to rub circles on your clit. You clenched around his dick and he moaned. “Just like that,” he said. He continued to rub circles, making you relax and take all of him. He still hadn’t bottomed out, but he was starting to increase his strokes. 

“I knew this fuckin’ pussy was gonna be good. I ain’t know it would be this good,” he said. His voice was low as if he weren’t really talking to you. Your nails grazed his stomach as you tried to push him away. You didn’t want him to stop, it just felt so fucking good to finally have him inside of you. 

He grabbed your hand and slammed it onto his bed. He leaned over to do it, so he was driving in a little deeper. 

“Shit, I think I can go deeper. What you think?” He asked.

“There’s…no…way…” you said in between gasping and moaning. 

He licked his lips and winked at you before increasing the intensity of his strokes while slowing down the tempo. He shoved in once and then twice and he seemed to unlock some hidden level inside of you because he did go in a bit deeper. 

“If you keep on, I’m gonna…fuckin’...shit…” You were close to cumming and his finger on your clit was making you dumb. Boneless and shivering. You couldn’t think, let alone say anything. 

The unexpected slap to your titties half woke you up. You couldn’t focus on him. He was fucking all common sense out of you. He pulled on one nipple before leaning down and suckling it into his mouth.

It was like a straight shot of desire straight to your pussy. You clenched around him and he moaned around your nipple. He tugged on it with his teeth, running it back and forth.

You came with his name on your lips. You didn’t care who heard you. There was noway to hide what ya’ll were doing in here. The whole block could hear you and you didn’t care one bit. The orgasm tore through you, ripped through you; it sent you into another fucking dimension where you lost all sense of self. There was just his dick still slamming inside of you.

Your vision winked in and out and your eyes rolled back. Is this what dying felt like? Complete bliss and peace unlike you had ever known? Tears slipped from your eyes and disappeard into your kinked hair. 

Tyrone grunted as he pounded a few more times before spilling his cum inside of you with a string of curses. He pumped you full until you were near bursting with his cum. 

“I’ma put a baby this pussy and keep you forever,” he said. He collapsed on top of you and you giggled while he kissed his way up your chest. He kissed the top of both your titties before kissing your neck, your ear, your jaw, and finally your lips. 

You were still joined and he rocked a little bit. You groaned. You were riding a fine line between pleasure and pain. 

“Naw, I’m gonna keep you,” he said. He grinned and kissed you. You were too fucked out to speak. To think. To register what just fucking happened. But you wouldn’t mind being kept by him. 

You’d keep him too. 

#Megaminds Secret Files #The Secret Tyrone Files #They Cloned Tyrone smut #They Cloned Tyrone fanfic #They Cloned Tyrone fan fic #They Cloned Tyrone fanfiction #They Cloned Tyrone fan fiction #Tyrone x Black!reader #Tyrone x Black reader #Tyrone x Fem!reader #Tyrone x Fem reader #Tyrone x reader #Tyrone x you

[hockeymenarehot]

Hiiiii your fics that I have read so far are literally AMAZING. Ngl your my new fav author on here my goodness those stories were making my stomach turn.

Could you please do a Tom Kaulitz 2007 smut, him and reader have to share a room unwillingly. The reader starts playing with his hair and he is low-key into it 😋 You take it from there queen because you are so creative it’s crazy.

THANK YOU SO MUCH 😘😘

"One Bed". Feat. Tom Kaulitz

YES! of course i can do this! i'm glad you enjoy my writing! i also kind of tweaked this a bit to go with another request for an enemies to lovers vibe w/ tom...honestly i love the one bed trope!! (sorry, this is coming out later than intended!!)

summary: not too long ago, you caught your (ex) boyfriend Tom at the bar with another woman. you were pretty pissed, and you still are. but you two agreed to travel together to see a mutual friend as long as you stay separated. however, you did not anticipate the room shortage...

warnings: fem!reader, use of y/n, hotel sex, p in v, unprotected, slight edging, overstimulation, use of toys, degradation (slut, whore, etc.), praise, kinda mean Tom, he's sweet sometimes though?, cervix fucking, spanking, squirting, pretty much brat taming, creampie, you think he cheated but he didn't

"What the hell do you mean there's not enough rooms?! I paid for two!" your patience was wearing thin with the poor desk attendant who claimed there was a "room shortage for the holidays". Bullshit. "Ma'am, I've already explained this to you. We overbook expecting some cancelations. It's better for business this way." The woman at the desk was making sure to keep her distance from you. Your stance looked like you were about to leap over the desk and pounce on her at any second now. "Good for business-!?" You were cut short by none other than Tom Kaulitz, your cheating ex-boyfriend, lightly grasping your arm, afraid that if he put too much pressure you might seriously swing at him. You gave him the nastiest glare, he swore it pierced his soul. "Hey, there's no use in yelling at this poor lady. Let's just go to our room. It'll only be a night. I can sleep on the floor." He spoke in a gentle tone, this managed to ease your nerves a bit. You removed your sprawled hands from the desk, giving the desk attendant one final glare. You were also not too thrilled that he took her side. You grabbed your key and made your way to the elevator, Tom trailing behind.

You and Tom hadn't spoken a word since getting to your room. It truly was a small, one bed hotel room. Right when you set your bag down on the (quite hard) couch, you flopped down onto it with a exaggerated groan. "Okay I think you need to calm down. I get it, you would rather not be doing this. But can't you take a day to-" You quickly cut him off, still angry with him. You were angry he had the nerve to tell you of all to "calm down". This made your anger bubble back up. "Calm down? Calm down?! How am I supposed to calm down when you're here? How am I supposes to calm down after what you did to me!? I don't want to fucking hear it from you. Go back downstairs and sleep with the little hotel girl from earlier since you like to take her side so much. Not that you ever took my side." Okay, admittedly you were being pretty petty, but you didn't care. Not when the events that transpired were so recent. About 1 month ago you caught Tom at a bar giggling with another girl because apparently he hadn't realized that's the bar you were having your girls night at. You screamed at him, threw a drink at his face, and hadn't spoken to him since. Tom stared at you for a second, he was trying to let you be angry at him. Because truthfully, he shouldn't have been so sneaky when he honestly wasn't doing anything wrong. He was at that bar to catch up with his brothers wife, but mentioning that fact would probably make you begin to spiral even more. He really didn't want another drink in his face. So, for now he decided to let you scream and yell at him all you wanted, even if the words you spoke couldn't be farther from the truth.

It had been about 5 minutes of you yelling, and you were now laying on the bed quite literally sobbing your little heart out. You couldn't take it, all of your pent up emotions were bursting out and making an ugly mess of you. You thought about how this was probably the reason why he decided to cheat on you. Tom just sat on the edge of the bed, lightly stroking your thigh. You apparently hadn't noticed, but your body was subconsciously leaning into his touch. Once your rapid breathing had slowed and your tears dried up leaving dried makeup streaks on your face, he finally spoke. "I didn't cheat on you." You almost laughed, "What?" He drew in a large breath before he continued, still treading lightly. "You never gave me a chance to talk. But trust me, I don't blame you. Please hear me out on this." Once he had gotten your silent sign of approval, he slowly continued, "That woman? That was my Bills wife. She was just in the area, and I wanted the chance to catch up with her. Ask her how things were going. All I talked about was you, every single question she had, the answer was always you. She even recorded a video on my phone for you of her saying hi. Please, believe me. I know I shouldn't have been so secretive, I know that's my fault. But just please. Here's the video." Tom pulled out his phone to show you the video of who you now noticed was Bill's wife in that same exact bar saying hi to you, and explaining how she hoped all was well with you.

Right after the video ended, your heart dropped so low as you looked up at him it almost fell out of your ass. I mean, you had met Bill's wife before, but you hadn't gotten a good glimpse of her at the bar. Only of the back of her head. You knew she was a nice woman, and you were starting to realize that you probably should've let Tom explain himself instead of throwing a drink in his face. But when he pulled the "Baby, it's not what it looks like" line, you almost lunged at him.

This whole thing just added more on top of the emotions you were already feeling, and you began to cry again. "Tom," you shook out as you pulled him into an embrace, finally being able to feel him again "I'm sorry." You swear you had never held onto anything so tight in your life, and he was seriously about to crush you as well. But it didn't really matter. All that mattered was, yeah, you both fucked up but at least you still had each other. That night was a long night of exchanging explanations, and setting up boundaries as to how to deal with situations like this again. As well as how to work on managing your emotions...

It was getting pretty late, and you had just came out of the shower to find Tom laying down on the small couch. "Are you serious? You don't have to do that... Come sleep with me." Tom turned over to look at you, a bit surprised you could forgive so quickly. That had never been apart of your personality. But he was exempt from this, he assumed. "You sure? If you don't-" You stopped him, "I'm sure." and gave him a sweet smile. The both of you crawled into bed, and got into the position you normally get into. He placed the side of his face on your breasts and you used one of your hands to play with his hair, feeling him relax into you. He whispered out a small "I love you" that you almost didn't catch. To let him know you heard him, you craned your neck down and pulled him into a sweet kiss. Well, the kiss started sweet.

Tom had been left to just his hand, lotion, and some shitty magazines for way too long now. He missed you. A lot. What was supposed to be a simple sweet kiss now had your back to him and him aggressively thrusting his cock into you. You let out a string of moans, trying to stabilize yourself by putting your hands on his thighs. His chest was flush with your back, and his thrusts were relentless. "Tom!" He knew you loved this angle, it allowed you to feel every inch of him buried deep inside you. "Yeah? That feel good, y/n?" One of his hands came down to rub at your clit. "Think I've given you enough time to throw your little tantrum, gotta put whores like you back in their place." His minstrations had you a moaning mess, and you could already feel your orgasm flatly approaching. "Ah-! P-please!" Your pussy clenched tightly around him, a sign he knew you were about to cum. Right when your soft walls began to flutter he completely stopped all motion. "W-what?" You were confused, and you whined at the loss of stimulation. "You forget? Brats like you have to ask nicely to cum. Then I'll consider." He landed a harsh slap on both cheeks of your ass, causing you to his. "Im sorry! Please! Please make me cum!" He rubbed over both red marks, attempting to slightly soothe them before beginning his pace again. This time, he was impatient. He flipped you over onto your back, sprawling you out onto the bed before he pushed in and out of you at a fast pace. You could feel every vein on his cock at this angle, and his tip was practically brushing up against your cervix. The painful pleasure was almost too much, and you just barely remembered to ask to cum. "P-please, can I cum? Please, please please..." You were just babbling nonsense at this point, which made him laugh at the leverage he had over you. He leaned down, nipping the shell of your ear before he said "Cum for me, baby" and that was all the clearance you needed before you gushed all over his cock with a high pitched moan. All of your limbs twitched as he helped you ride out your high, your mind melting back down to earth. Your brain was still fuzzy, and you didn't catch how Tom leaned over to open the beside drawer, pulling out a small bullet vibrator. Once he waved it over top of you, your eyes widened. You obviously could think enough to understand what you were about to be subjected to, but not enough to question why it was in that drawer.

"Please" You mewled put, not sure if you were begging for him to use it on you or begging him not to. Either way, he turned it on, using it on the lowest setting as he rubbed it over your nipples. "Mh!" You let out a satisfied grunt at the stimulation being pressed to your nipples. Tom always worshipped every part of your body, and tonight he had neglected your nipples. The attention they were now receiving left you wanting more. You relaxed, parting your legs and letting the spread across the roughness of the hotel sheets. Tom trailed the small vibrator down the valley of your stomach, towards your already swollen clit. "Yeah, take it like the good slut you are. Just my cumdump, aren't you?" You nodded your head in agreement, making the best "Mhm" sound you could with how fried your brain was. You both knew this wasn't true. If you both were being completely honest, he was at your mercy. Tom pressed the vibrator up against your clit, and immediately started thrusting back into you. "Ah! Wait! T-Tom! Too much!" He laughed at you almost mockingly "You can do it. My sweet baby can do it." The way his tone could change at the drop of a hat only turned you on even more, and his sugar coated words coaxed you on to obeying him. "Ok... ok, just for -fuck- you." "Yeah, thats what I fucking thought." It didn't take too much longer for you to reach your high, and by the way you were squeezing him he knew, too. Tom decided you'd been through enough tonight and let you off easy this time. "My baby gonna cum on my cock? Come on, make a mess on me. Cum with me." Those words immediately flipped the switch inside of you, letting your pussy twitch around him and gush everywhere, making a mess all over his abdomen. Tom thrusted into you as deep as he could possibly go before cumming inside you. "Yeah, gonna take all the cum I give you." And you did, you took every last drop, squeezing him to milk him for everything he was worth.

The night ended with an exchange of soft kisses, giggles, whispers of sweet nothings, and a hot bath to ease your poor muscles. You might need a wheelchair for tomorrow.

Before you two left, Tom left a note on the bed thanking the hotel room attendant for bluffing for him, and left her some extra cash. He also apologized for the mess.

a/n: this was supposed to be released last night but I had other things going on! so sorry! but I hope you enjoyed! requests are still open, and if you've already sent one just know it's sitting in my drafts. remember to take care of yourself!

#tokio hotel smut #tom kaulitz smut #tom kaulitz x reader #tom kaulitz #tom kaulitz x y/n #fanfic #smut #tokio hotel x you #tokio hotel fanfic #tokio hotel x reader #x reader #kinda short sorry

[milfswriter]

okay hear me out on this request lol

Rhea x Reader where reader wanted to surprise Rhea and buys a box of those aphrodisiac chocolates, then Rhea eats one of them thinking its regular chocolate and goes into a match. She can't focus at all during the match because of the aphrodisiac and is thinking of reader the whole time which almost costs her the match. horny + angry Rhea = thisisgonnabealongnight.jpg if youre not comfortable with writing this since its smut i 100% understand anyways i love your work and hope you're doing well :)))

it's 3 am and I'm bored so have this ig. I feel like I exaggerated the effects of the chocolate lmao.

Mistake

Rhea Ripley x Reader Summary: Rhea eats from the chocolate box you bought and almost immediately regrets it. Notes and warning: not proofread tbh, aphrodisiac, smut (obv), cunnilingus, fingering (Rhea receiving), strapon mentioned, locker room sex, slightly bottom!rhea

"Hey" you placed a kiss to your girlfriend's cheek as you got into the locker room, placing a heart-shaped box in her locker before she closed it.

"What's that?" she smiled, there were still a few days until your anniversary so she was a bit confused as to what was the occasion.

"Just..chocolate" you failed to hold back your smirk which made her narrow her eyes at you before humming.

"I'll be going first 'cause I'm on commentary" You gave her a quick kiss and made your way to the door. "Oh, and..don't eat those!" You warned her, you really did.

----

Rhea shrugged before untying the little red bow on top of the box, opening it to see two layers of chocolate. Surely eating a few won't do any harm, she needed the extra energy for her match anyway.

She closed the box, not bothering to tie the ribbon back to hide her crime as she was already late. She walked to the gorilla and waited until it was her turn.

She felt...weird. She assumed it was the sugar since she hadn't had any in a while except for energy drinks but gulped as her knees almost buckled when she saw you with the hairstylist, doing the last touches on your hair.

"Hey..good luck" you squeezed her hand before your theme played and you came out behind the curtain.

Her vision was clouded by your scent, she couldn't focus to save her bloody life! it wasn't any opponent, it was Charlotte Flair. That little snake will do anything to embarrass her in front of you. You were not going to be on ringside this time, you'll be WATCHING her as Charlotte kicks her ass. She won't let this happen. She didn't want it to seem like she could only win when you were there.

"There you go, Rhea," a staff member said, pulling her out of the deep trance she was in as her theme played.

You watched with a grin as Rhea did her stomp, glaring at the cameras before making her way to the ring. She looked tense, almost dizzy.

As her theme stopped playing, she leaned against the corner of the ring, trying as hard she could not to make eye contact with you as you sat next to Corey with your legs crossed as you praised her.

"One Riptide from Rhea will send the so-called 'queen' spiraling. Mark my words, Cole!"

---------

Fuck, she couldn't contain herself. An intense throbbing between her legs began to form and she held onto the ropes as Charlotte did her entrance.

What the hell was happening to her? is she having a heart attack?. Damn it she shouldn't have drunk all those energy drinks that week.

She turned her head to see you and immediately regretted it when she saw you already looking at her with a smirk. You looked..sexy. Extra sexy that she didn't know how she let you walk out in those clothes, no one deserved to see you like this but her.

She ignored all the taunts Charlotte was doing to provoke her as she stared at you. She was brought back to reality by the bell and looked at Charlotte who gave her a cocky smirk.

-------

Halfway through the match, you decided you'd leave commentary and be on ring side because if you didn't, Rhea would be taking the Figure 8 in no time.

She delivered a big boot to Charlotte, sending her falling on her back. The crowd cheered before Rhea looked at you briefly then turned her head back to her opponent.

She couldn't stop thinking about you..your breasts, how full and round they'd look whenever she'd squeeze them. You lips, soft and tasy. and Oh your p-.

"RHEA!" Your voice interrupted her train of thought as you saw Charlotte coming her way looking for a spear.

Before she knew it, she was thrown across the ring and rolled out of it in pain. "What the fuck are you doing! Focus!" You hissed through your teeth, placing a hand on her thigh and saw her looking at your hand and bit her lip.

You gulped in realization, "You..You didn't eat the chocolate..did you?" Her eyes widened and it hit her like a ton of bricks, it was the chocolate!

"I thought I told you not to open it!" you sighed before hearing the ref counting.

You pulled her up by the arm and pushed her into the ring without another word in frustration. "Finish this!"

She wished she could, but Charlotte was taking advantage of the situation.

------

Rhea hit Charlotte with an Avalanche Riptide, pinning her tiredly with an arm over her torso.

You held onto the rope in anticipation, gulping when you saw Charlotte's feet trying to reach the rope.

"One! Two! Three!" Rhea couldn't believe this was finally over, it's been going on for 15 minutes and the throbbing is getting even more intense and all she wants is to take you to the locker room because she isn't sure she'll last until the hotel.

Her theme played as you slid into the ring, raising her arm in victory before the cameras were cut. "Please.." she whispered and you shushed her, taking her hand backstage.

She was following clumsily behind you as you headed to the locker room. "Congrats Rhea" you heard Dakota say but didn't bother to wait for Rhea to chat with her.

"T..Thanks" As you reached the locker room, you opened Rhea's locker and took the box, placing it in its original bag before taking your stuff.

"Follow me to the car.."

"No!" she blocked the way to the door with her much larger frame. "I..I need you now..please"

"Wh..here?!" she nodded, getting on her knees after locking the door, and began unbuttoning your jeans, knowing full well you were packing underneath.

"sit on the bench" you ordered, "Come on..I wanna eat you out before you explode on the spot" you laughed but she released a sigh of relief.

She stood up and, with your help, unbuttoned her tights and pulled them down her legs alongside her underwear.

"You..are dripping" you whispered in her ear. If she's gonna walk around and do what you told her not to, you won't let it go easily.

She spread her legs, feeling your breath on her inner thigh. "No teasing..please" you placed slow kisses all over her inner thighs, coating them with lipstick before spreading them even more, she was absolutely soaked.

you spread her lips with your thumbs before giving in and licking a long stripe. "oh, fuck.." was heard before you dived into her with your tongue.

"Such a fucking slut" you mumbled before going back to what you were doing. She scowled before moaning again, biting back whatever comment she was gonna make in hopes of you getting into it already.

She threw her head back, sighing and savoring the feeling of your lips wrapped around her clit before you decide to be a tease again. Shit..what the fuck did they put in that chocolate.

"I told you not to eat it!" you laughed nipping on her labia, and she knew she must have been thinking out loud.

"How was I supposed to know they were spik- Oh!" she was cut off with a guttural groan when a finger entered her, stretching her for you even though you knew there was no need for that.

You added another finger and you know she was close with how tight she was clenching around you. "I'm...close"

"Do you deserve to come?" you asked, slowing down your movement for a bit.

"Please I'm sorry..I..needed that sugar, fuck!" you let out a chuckle at her state, picking up the pace again and wrapping your lips back around her bundle of nerves.

you felt her fingers pulling slightly on your scalp as her legs shook on either side of your head, trying hard not to suffocate you with them. "that's it..cum for me, Demi" you knew what saying her real name did to her, you didn't know why but you never complained.

To bring her even closer to the edge, you sneaked your free hand up her body and squeezed her boob through her leather bra, almost immediately causing the coil in her stomach to snap.

You shut her up with your fingers in her mouth, you were sure everybody knew what was going on in there but you didn't want them to know what Rhea Ripley sounds like when she's cumming for you.

She looked down at you with a grin as you lapped at her cum, placing one last kiss on her clit as her fingers played with your hair while she caught her breath.

"You done in there you freaks?! I need my fucking stuff" You heard Shayna slamming her hand against the door.

"Are we?" you looked at Rhea with a laugh as she shook her head.

"Not even close. But..let's continue in the hotel, I wanna have my way with you" she got up, giving you a hard kiss before putting her pants back on.

"Fuck..how many did you fucking eat!"

"..Three. I thought I was dying out there" You let out a howl at her state, she looked so disheveled and fucked out even though you two just began.

She unlocked the door, facing Shayna who was crossing her arms. "Was it that good or are you just a fucking show off cause you got y/n?"

"oh, believe me-"

"nope! let's go!" you didn't know whether to be offended at Shayna doubting you were good in bed or flattered.

Rhea laughed at your flushed face, taking her stuff and following you to the parking lot.

Taglist:

@obsessedwithwwewomen@ara-a-bird@jungwoospeach@neganwifey25-blog@yourmisosoup@cameronsdruthers@dementedtrashcat @sunnnyshark @1c4ntg3ty0u0ffmym1nd 

#rhea ripley x reader #rhea ripley smut #rhea ripley #rhea ripley wwe

[ughgoaway]

Yes so many constant teacher reader thoughts! What about early dating when she's had a really hard week at school, maybe she's been staying behind for parents night or something and is absolutely exhausted. She's not replying to Matty as much or just giving him short ideas and him being Matty starts to worry that she's having second thoughts about their relationship

Omg people having thoughts about my au is so cool… and this is such a good thought. 

You and Matty have only recently started dating, maybe a month and a bit? And matty thinks it's been going perfectly, but he can't help but feel insecure about the relationship. He is so madly in love with you and has been for so long. He can't help but be nervous he's going to lose you. And he can't bear the thought because he's only just managed to get you. 

You reassure him when he asks that you want to be with him, that you were also pining over him for months, and that this is exactly what you wanted that whole time.

And Matty believes you, for the most part. But there's always that sneaking thought of “what if”. What if she hates me? What if she regrets this relationship? What if she thinks im wrong for her? What if this is all wrong?

////

it's been a stressful week at work. You have parent evening at the end of the week, which means it's lots of late nights preparing everything you're gonna say to each parent. It might seem easy to talk to parents about their kid's progress, but it's one of the worst parts of being a teacher.

It seems parents either think their child is an angel on earth or the spawn of Satan. You say one thing they can improve upon, and suddenly, a parent is jumping down your throat, “How could you? My little Amy is perfect!!” or they start scolding the child in front of you “You are useless! Why can't you just focus for 5 bloody minutes??” 

So you've been fucking exhausted all week, and you've cancelled on Matty twice. You had a date on Monday, but you saw the pile of work on your desk and messaged to reschedule for Wednesday.

Matty then didn't hear from you all of Tuesday or Wednesday, so was already nervous you were mad at him. But when you text to cancel on Wednesday? His heart fucking dropped.

You must be second-thinking this whole thing. Maybe you decided the risk to your job was too much, or maybe Matty isn't how you wanted him to be. 

But in an attempt to stop himself from spiralling too much, he texts George and details his worries. Of course, George simply calls him a twat and says “Trust me, she likes you. It's sickening being around the two of you for more than 10 minutes.”

Matty wants to tell George he and Charli are no better, but he leaves it for today and takes his friend's words at face value.

So he texts back saying it's fine and that he misses you. and each minute that passes by with no response is killing Matty slowly.

After 45 minutes of silence, you just reply “<3”, which doesn't exactly help Matty’s mental state. 

He texts you every day, and each day, your responses get shorter and shorter. Until it's Sunday, and he hasn't heard from you since Friday evening. 

It's then he decides you must be rethinking this, rethinking him. there is no reason why you would be ignoring him otherwise. And it fucking shatters him, he goes into break-up mode before any break-up even happens.

He drops Annie off at Hanns and stops at Tesco, grabbing ice cream, red wine, and tissues. He wants to feel like a girl in a shit romantic comedy, so he's gonna do just that. 

2 bottles of wine later, Matty thinks it's the perfect time to call you… despite it being 3 am. Needless to say, you don't answer. But Matty being Matty, he leaves a wine-drunk voicemail. 

“Heyyyyy y/n. It's Matty. Your boyfriend. I think… anyway, im just calling to say you can just dump me, you know? You don't have to be nice or anything. I won't turn Annie against you. But I don't think I could even if I wanted to, m’ pretty sure she likes you more than me already. But whatever… I've had a few bottles of wine and just thought I should call and tell you im fineeee. Totally fineeee. So yeah, if we’re over of whatever, you can let me know. Because im fine. Like so fine…. Okay, bye.”

And with that, he passes out on the sofa, spilling wine on his rug that he will be forced to scrub tomorrow.

///////

It's 7 a.m., and Matty's head is banging, so much so it sounds like someone is hammering on his door. Oh, wait. Someone is hammering on his door.

He stumbles off the sofa and catches a glance in the mirror, his eyes are hollowed, and heavy bags sit beneath them. Half his curls are flattened and stuck to his head, whereas the others are sticking on end like he had been electrocuted. 

“Ye-” he starts to speak as he opens the door, but you storm in talking before he can even get one word out. 

“BREAK UP WITH YOU? WHY WOULD I BREAK UP WITH YOU?” You stand in Matty’s front room with your hands on your hips. clearly, you had stormed straight over here from your flat, not even bothering to get out of your Halloween pyjamas (it is like May btw <3).

Matty rubs at his eyes and blinks a few times, “what?” he asks, coughing as he finishes because Jesus Christ, his throat feels like it's full of sandpaper. 

“...do you seriously not remember?” you shake your head at Matty with wide eyes, and he nervously shakes his head, and he swears he can almost see the steam coming out of your ears. 

“Matty. You called me at 3 in the morning telling me to dump you. Why the fuck would you think that? Why would I ever dump you?” your voice is softer now and you've come closer to Matty, and he can see any rage you might have had was never really anger.

It was fear. Pure fucking fear. 

“Oh.. that,” Matty says shyly, rubbing at his face and pulling it down. 

“Yup. that,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Okay, im so sorry about that,” Matty starts to explain, desperate to get you to understand his fucking crazy brain, “I had a few bottles of wine and my stupid anxiety took over. You hadn't really spoken to me this week, and you cancelled our date, so I convinced myself you were having second thoughts. And drunk Matty thought the best course of action was a long rambling voicemail reassuring you that you can dump me.”

You nod slowly, and Matty seemingly can't stop his word vomit, “And you can if you want to! But I really don't want you to. Like at all. Im actually kind of obsessed with you, if im honest” Matty steps closer to you and pulls you into his chest. 

Your arms remain limp at your sides for the first few seconds, and Matty wants to die. But just before he pulls away, your arms slip over his shoulders, and your fingers wind into his curls at the back of his neck.

You burrow your head in his neck, and Matty can feel you nodding, “Okay. That makes sense” he breathes a sigh of relief. Thank GOD you didn't dump him then and there. 

You snap back and look at him intensely before saying, “But just so you know, I was planning for parent's evening this whole week. That's why I was so quiet. And I would never break up with you just by ghosting you. And if im being totally honest, I would never break up with you in the first place. or ever, really."

Matty nods and can't help the smile that comes on his face, you don't want to break up with him. ever.

You snap your fingers in front of his face before he can get too happy, “Hey don't you start smiling. I’m still pissed off at you… but you are especially cute in the mornings, so I feel you’re trying to manipulate me into forgiving you... are you?”

“Well that depends, is it working?” he teases

“Maybe... Shut up.”

#love the idea... not so sure about my execution #but oh nervous matty #like babe. im literally beyond obessed with you #there couldnt be less to worry about #teacher au! #anon!

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes.

BNHA

bloody, but unbowed by redrobin1989

“I’m sure you all have a cause that means something to you, something you want to help change." Aizawa said, addressing the class. "For the next few days, I want you to think about what it is you believe in and do a short presentation for the class on Friday."

It's Advocacy Week for Yuuei's hero students and it gives Midoriya Izuku a lot to think about about what kind of hero he wants Deku to be.

DC (Batfamily)

The Fishbowl by LordLuxury

Dick’s goal for Thanksgiving (code named Operation F.I.S.H.): A family outing to the aquarium.

It feels achievable - everyone has been getting along better lately, Jason is spiraling closer, Cass is coming home. But there is a lot of unspoken hurt in every direction, and Dick’s own position in the family is shakier than ever since Bruce returned.

If Dick wants to realize his dream of family bonding, there will have to be many painful conversations between all parties. Dick’s own secrets will need to surface, the ones he has long kept submerged, the ones he will fight to sink forever.

(Or: Where Bruce is just a bit darker, even less emotionally available, and treats everyone a little worse, and how they all fix their family anyway.)

family helps family by RedHoodie19

Tim never learned how to swim.

Being slung over Red Hood’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes as the crime lord walked toward the Gotham docks seemed like a good time to learn, though.

Whumptober 2021 prompt #11 - drowning.

Stranger Things

The One in Which a Time Loop is Fucking Exhausting. by badpancake

It’s the first time in a while that he doesn’t know what comes next. He’s dove into the water hundreds of times. Screamed as his flesh was torn apart, heard Master of Puppets in the distance and held back tears. Felt Max’s cold, small hand in his as she laid in the hospital bed. There are things that always happen, no matter how hard he tries: El doesn’t arrive in time. Eddie dies. Max is put in a coma.

Steve fails. They lose.

“Steve, how many loops have you been through?”

His head is nodding, and his eyes are watery, and Eddie has approached him like a spooked animal.

“I lost count.”

AKA: The one where Steve Harrington is stuck in a time loop, and Eddie Munson is really fucking hard to save, or: fuck Volume 2, these bitches are in love.

it's his party (and i'll fall if i want to) by formosus_iniquis

“Who invited us to this party anyway?”

"Well I invited you," the ‘you should know this already dingus’ hangs in the air, not needing to even be said, "and Steve invited me."

"Steve?" She nods, but even death couldn't stop him now,

"Harrington? Steve Harrington? King Steve? Steve "the Hair" Harrington? Steve "Big House, No Parents" Harrington? Steve "Sex God" Harrington?"

"I am certain you made at least those last two up. Yes, Steve "Lady Killer" Harrington invited me to his party."

"Are we about to be Carrie'd?"

hometown blues by pukner

The quarantine over a Post-Vecna Hawkins has been provisionally lifted, allowing family to come home and visit those who didn't leave even after the world got cracked open.

Which is how Gareth Emerson keeps running into Steve Fucking Harrington and hearing a dead man on the radio. Dorothea Harrington comes home only to find her house filled with strangers and aforementioned dead man. And Vickie Summers is getting swept off her feet by Robin Buckley.

Meanwhile, Steve and Eddie continue to be the Most Insufferable Couple In Hawkins.

the secret i have learned by Crykea

It takes some new additions to the party for the gang to realize that something has been off with Steve for quite a while now. They help him together and, in doing so, strengthen themselves as a family. Steve lets himself be cared for, remembers important people from his past, and finally allows himself to move on in some of the ways he never thought he could.

#happy saturday everyone #weekly fic round up #my posts #fic recs #stranger things #dc recs #bnha recs

[klarolinexluv]

I just had an idea for a Jegulus AU.

It’s inspired by

So yeah. Basically, It’s pre-relationship Jegulus, muggle, modern AU I suppose (but it doesn’t have to be).

Regulus calls James one night on his way home. The two of them have started growing closer from friendship to almost lovers. James calls Regulus pretty and he blushes furiously! But unfortunately, just after this moment, Regulus gets into a car crash over a bridge.

Let’s say, it’s raining quite heavily and Regulus hates driving in the rain. Let’s say, he called James because James is the only one that helps him concentrate. It’s cute, it’s fluffy! The two men and laughing and enjoying themselves as Regulus drives home, until ofc the accident happens.

Regulus loses control of his car and hits the guard rail. Regulus hits his head pretty hard and as James scrambles to get there as he knows where he was because he’s James, he always knows where Regulus is.

When James gets there, the ambulance cars are already there, so are the police. James then watches as they pull an unconscious Regulus from the car and he goes to the hospital.

It takes a day or so for Regulus to wake up and in this time, James sort of spirals. Sirius is obviously called once they got to the hospital but James is so scared he never leaves Reg’s side. James is coming up with all these what if’s and is slightly hysterical, running on no sleep for like 24-48hrs and when Reg opens his eyes, James starts sobbing a little, clutching Regulus’ hand and repeating “Youre Alive, you’re alive, you’re alive”.

The first thing Regulus does is smile and squeeze James’ hand in his, then he says softly, “I was so scared.”

James looks up at Regulus, his eyes flying over his face, checking him over, making sure he is okay, reassuring himself of this fact, and then mumbles, “So am I.”

And Regulus, the softie that he is, brings their joined hands up and kisses James’ softly and says, “I’m here, Jamie.”

UGH just… I need this so fucking much. If someone could write this for me, I’ll love you forever. Omg.

@kwiwrites ??? I know you were looking for prompts???

#james potter #regulus black #writing ideas #i need this so much #jegulus #starchaser #sunseeker #sirius black #black brothers #Spotify

[weezly14]

so i used to use this more as a blog where i talked about my life and my feelings and there's been both a lot and nothing happening in my life lately but i sure do have feelings! so i'm gonna write it down and send vibes into the universe because why not. what else do i have to do today?

i've been a little MIA in terms of working on my fics. i've barely written. first it was a rough fucking winter; then summer kicked my ass just as bad. i hate summer.

"but why has it been rough?"

well, because i'm not fucking pregnant yet.

we've been trying for a baby (i hate this phrase) for ten months? ish? and nothing has happened. in school they made it sound like you skip protection once and you'll get knocked up; my mom got accidentally pregnant twice. and here i am, charting dates and peeing on ovulation predictor sticks and tracking symptoms and the whole nine yards, timing sex and taking fucking prenatals and vitamins and not eating sushi or steak during the two week wait and not drinking at all, and all i've gotten to show for it is my fucking period, every month like clockwork.

the studies say, it can take up to a year. yes, most couples get pregnant within six months, but sometimes it takes longer. sure, fine, whatever.

so it's been hard enough trying to get pregnant and then failing (because it does feel like failing, every time), but then two things happened in quick succession:

my best friend got pregnant, sort of accidentally;

i got sent for bloodwork and the results caused my doctor to refer me straight to a fertility clinic.

when i saw the results i cried, but i thought i was just spiraling and being over dramatic. sure, my AMH is really low, but it's technically still in range, and that's not everything, right? my other tests were mostly fine, not totally out of the normal range. then i called my doctor's office, only to be told "we're referring you to a clinic, your ob/gyn doesn't think you'll get pregnant without treatment."

it's a hell of a thing to be told while standing in the pasta aisle of a grocery store.

in the midst of being referred to the clinic, i of course googled. read articles and papers. cried to my husband, my mom, my friends. of course the clinic was booking weeks out; in three weeks i'll go for my first appointment. my mom said, well maybe now you'll get pregnant. it happens, you know - people struggle and then as soon as they get booked to see a specialist, or start IVF, they get pregnant.

my period started over the weekend. it was not a good time.

the thing about trying for a baby is that every month is the same fucking rollercoaster, only you can't get off, and despite knowing exactly how it'll go, it's still somehow traumatic every time. every cycle there's the devastation when your period starts, followed by the hopeful/planning mode of "let me now track ovulation, let's chart out when we need to have sex." then there's the actual sex - trying to still have fun with it as opposed to the clinical "literally all we need is for you to finish," though sometimes it is just the quickie before work or after dinner because it's Fertile Week and we need to optimize our chances so it doesn't matter if it's not very romantic, we can have romantic sex later. after that it's the waiting game, the two weeks of overanalyzing every ache, every twinge, of looking up expected due dates and thinking about how to announce to family and friends, of hoping and thinking that maybe you are actually pregnant - all followed by the two, three days leading up to your period where every trip to the bathroom has the potential to devastate. where every pms symptom is enough to set off a fresh round of tears until your period actually starts. i've stopped taking pregnancy tests early. the stark white negatives (or rude NO - on the digital tests) was too much for me to handle in my already hormonal, pms state.

it hasn't been a year, which makes me feel like i shouldn't be so upset already. on the other hand, my egg reserve is apparently incredibly low - that is, i'm rapidly running out of eggs, and who knows if the ones i've got are even any good. in three weeks we'll see a fertility specialist, and based on my extensive research and trolling on reddit and listening to podcasts, i'm fairly confident they're going to tell us it's IVF or bust.

because i'm running out of eggs, for reasons that might not exist, or might just be "sometimes things just suck for certain people." some people get a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility," which basically means the doctors have run every test and there's no reason you can't get pregnant. we aren't in that camp, we're likely in the "diminished ovarian reserve" camp. for reasons that are unexplained.

meanwhile, my best friend is pregnant, and i can't talk to her without crying.

we moved into a bigger house a year ago in preparation for kids. we got our finances in order, we made sure our marriage was solid, we planned - and now? we've always wanted two, maybe three. at this point i think we'll be lucky to get one. maybe i'm being pessimistic. i'm trying to be confident but also realistic. IVF doesn't work for everyone. even my clinic, which has the best numbers in the state, has a 63% success rate. sounds great, and it is - but that's 37% of couples who don't go home with a baby. nationally, the outcomes are something like 50ish% of IVF cycles will result in a live birth (they measure by both pregnancy and live birth, because even if you've managed to get pregnant, there's no guarantee you'll stay pregnant.)

today is a good day, by the way. today i can talk to my mom, i can call up our insurance, i can write this and be factual and calm and not crying. today i feel like we have a good chance, like we will end up with a take home baby. today i'm cleaning my house and looking up meal plans to increase my fertility. exercise regimens to help me get in shape to increase my fertility. tomorrow might be a bad day. bad days are when i can barely get off the couch, where i cry at the thought or mention of my fertility. where a tiktok of a dad and baby sends me spiraling. when it all feels fucking useless and unfair.

today is a good day. i don't know what tomorrow's going to be yet.

i've been isolating all summer, which isn't hard to do when most of my friends aren't local. but i find i don't want to be around anyone, really. i don't want to talk to people. i don't want to be asked how i'm doing, i don't want to be asked what's new or what i've been up to.

"i've been cleaning my house and trying to get pregnant and failing. last week i made a new recipe, and today i cried."

it's not an exciting life i'm leading these days. and anyway, no one wants to hear about fertility struggles.

it's not that i'm too stressed. i don't need to go on vacation, or get drunk and have sex, or relax and then i'll get pregnant. sure, i could use a vacation, but that's not the magic ticket. the problem isn't lack of sex. i have depression; the stress is always there, but that's why i see my therapist and my psychiatrist. that's why i take my meds and do my self-soothing shit.

i'm not pregnant because i'm just not. and hopefully the specialist will have a plan and hopefully that plan has a more than 30% chance of succeeding, and hopefully we get to bring a baby home - but today? today i'm not pregnant, and it's not a guarantee that i ever will be.

so even though today is a good day, i'm still really fucking sad.

but, you know. i'm trying to have hope.

that, too, is a cycle.

#random life post #weezly talks fertility shit #feel free to ignore this #or accept it as an excuse for why i haven't been writing lately

[periwnklblu]

Haikyuu & random wedding day head cannons

featuring: Akaashi, Suna and Hinata

contains: no pronouns used, fluff and of course marriage and weddings.

i know i am technically not supposed to be writing atm but this came to my head and here i am now. feedback is appreciated! p.s i can't stop thinking about bokuto and how supportive of a best man he'd be

Akaashi: 

It would be at a beautifully grand library. A stately room with tall shelves of books, string lights connecting column to column. Honestly goals. 

A small guest list with only those close to you both. 

Navy blue, light pink, white and gold accents, everywhere from the table arrangements to the bouquet in your hand

Since he didn’t spend the night with you (your families adamant on keeping wedding traditions), he wasn’t very well rested the morning of. After all, he slept best with you in his arms. Nevertheless, the sheer intensity of nervousness and excitement was enough to keep him energized throughout the day

Definitely got a pep talk from Bokuto at some point before the wedding. Akaashi probably started spiraling about not being a good enough husband, but leave it to Best Man Bokuto to reassure him that he will be an amazing husband. 

His jaw actually dropped when he saw you come down the aisle. The photographer definitely took photos of Akaashi’s unusually shocked expression. 

When it’s time to kiss, he kisses you softly, but still filled with passion. 

Can’t stop smiling the rest of the night, and if he has too many glasses of champagne, you might  have a hard time getting him to stop repeating “I can’t believe we’re married!” all night long. 

bonus! he ends the night dancing with you alone. everyone leaves the hall, and it's just you, him and your song playing loudly as you sway together with grins painted on your faces.

Suna 

You two elope instead. 

At the beginning, there were plans of having a formal wedding, for all your loved ones to come and celebrate with you. But with the cherry blossoms in bloom and Suna just eager to marry you already, you both decide fuck it, lets get married now.

There’s an adrenaline rush in hurriedly looking for appropriate clothes to wear and a wedding band to give you. In the end, he doesn't find one that's good enough for you on such a short notice. Promises you to get a perfect band afterwards but for now, he’s making a quick pit stop at the convenience store to buy you a ring pop.

You both get eloped in a secluded cherry blossom forest where the flowers are in full bloom. Just each other and the officiator. 

Suna prefers the intimacy of getting eloped. Without having to worry of others looking, Suna was able to be vulnerable when he’s saying his vows to you. And when it was time for the kiss, he felt free to just go off.  I’m talking borderline making out. 

You both have a mini photo shoot afterwards with his phone propped up a tree or something. They may not have been professional ones but they’re the best photos he’s ever taken. 

You both end the night at a tattoo parlor, getting a single band wrapped around the left ring finger. 

Bonus! When it’s his turn to get the tattoo, you’re just watching from the sidelines, absentmindedly eating away at your ring pop. Suna teases you for eating your wedding band, but really he finds you absolutely adorable. If it weren’t for the painful buzzing of the tattoo gun, he’d definitely take an off guard picture of you. 

Another bonus! Both of your families are absolutely pissed you got married without telling anybody. So are some of y’alls friends too (I particularly see Atsumu throwing a tantrum at not getting to be the best man, and Ssamu asking why he ever thought he would be the best man to begin with. A fight definitely ensues). But neither of you particularly care, because it really only mattered that you both got to finally marry each other. 

Hinata

Definitely a big wedding. I’m sorry if that’s not really your thing, but he just has so many friends and wants to celebrate this happy day with all of them. 

The ceremony is done on the beach, at sunset. The sun is out enough to lay a beautiful glow over everybody, especially you, without it being scorching hot. 

Hinata wakes up smiling, and ends the night with a smile that’s somehow even bigger.  

Vibrant colors for the theme. I'm thinking purples, pinks, blues, and oranges. 

Starts off confident when reciting his vows, but chokes up towards the end. With tears brimming his eyes and a smile on his face, he ends his vows with a soft i can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. 

Everybody is definitely crying btw

Kisses you grandly. Does not care that your families are watching, he will kiss you deeply and dip you at the end of it. 

When it’s time for the reception, night has fallen. The reception also happens on the beach, a little away from where the ceremony was at. 

Candle lights and string lights to illuminate the reception, gorgeous decorations and of course the sound of the waves crashing. Although there may be a lot of people, it’s still a beautifully romantic reception. 

Bonus! Hinata’s sister gives a speech that starts off embarrassing Hinata, but at the end congratulates you both and hopes you take care of her clumsy big brother for the rest of time. 

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x gn!reader #haikyuu headcanons #akaashi keiji #akaashi x gn!reader #akaashi x reader #akaashi fluff #akaashi headcanons #suna rintarou #suna x gn!reader #suna x reader #suna rintarou fluff #suna headcanons #hinata shoyo #hinata x gn!reader #hinata x reader #hinata headcanons #hinata fluff

[bellysoupset]

Ok so absolutely no pressure but I’d literally die to see Bella freaking/spiralling about the breakup as well. Like. Working too hard and getting sick or showing up at someone’s house in the middle of the night with a fever? Love your writing :)

I am very purposefully keeping Bella out of the main focus, but this was too tempting to pass!

---------

"What do you think?" Wendy asked loudly so Vince could hear her, even though her phone was sitting on her dresser. She twirled so her sequined skirt flared out.

"I think you look good enough to eat," Vince answered and she opened a large smile, walking back to the phone.

"Thanks," she fixed her bra strap, "see you tomorrow for lunch?"

"If you're not hungover to hell," he snorted, "have fun, honey."

"I will, thank you," she sent him a lipstick kiss and Vince smiled, sending her a kiss back, but not before yelling.

"But not too much fun!"

Wendy rolled her eyes as she hung up the call and put on her heels. It had been a while since she had been out with her friends, an even longer while since they had gone dancing. She was beyond excited.

She met her friends outside the club, in the queue. Barbie and Megan were both clad in equally sparkly clothes and make up and they squealed and waved as Wendy turned the corner, in order for her to spot them.

"I'm so happy you came!"

"Finally, after holing up in that hospital all day" Megan hugged her tightly, "let's get fucked up."

She had met them in college, but clicked immediately, much like Jonah. Barbie was an engineering student and Megan a gastronomy one. Wendy had met Babs first, only meeting Megan via her, but never did the other two make her feel like a third wheel.

They kept small talk flowing non stop during the queue, updating each other on their lives. Barbie could drown out any noise with how loud her giggling was, much to the other two's amusement.

Then finally it was their turn and they handed in the tickets, alongside their IDs, before getting colorful bracelets with QR codes on them, "have fun girls."

Like anyone who had ever been to an EDM club, they knew they had to pick drinking first. Three shots in and Wendy found herself sandwiched between her two friends, dancing to a remix of Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Barbie twirled her around, giggling when Wendy twerked and slapping her ass with a obnoxious, "work it girl!"

They went in for another round of drinks and then back to the dancing floor, Megan already considering removing her heels, while Barbie had a girl be all over her. Wendy raised her arms to the beat, swaying from side to side, when she opened her eyes and saw a familiar face.

A mane of red curly hair that she'd recognize anywhere, even though they didn't see each other all that much.

"Is that Bella?"

"Who!?" Megan yelled back and Barbie was too enthralled with the girl who was flirting with her to hear.

"I'll be right back!" Wendy yelled, squeezing Megan's hand and pushing through the crowd.

It was Bella.

Bella, clad in a deep red dress that left very little to imagination, back pressed to some guy's chest who could not keep his hands to himself and was tugging on the hem of her dress as he pressed her ass to his crotch.

Wendy raised both her eyebrows. Wow.

"Bella?" she yelled, despite common sense telling her that the ginger was busy and she should give her space.

Bella opened her eyes, painted in black makeup, and then they twinkled as she smiled, "Wendy!" and moved away from the guy in order to tackle Wendy in an overly affectious hug that was nothing like the girl, "Hi!"

"Hi, how... How are you?" Wendy tried to peel her back, but Bella was taller and stronger.

"Uhm, you smell so nice... Is Vince here?" then Bella did pull back, her drunk happy smile vanishing and giving space to a panicked frown, "Oh no, is Vince here?"

"No," Wendy shook her head, cringing as she realized Bella was nervous over being caught, even though she wasn't doing anything wrong, "who's your friend?"

"Uh, he-" Bella frowned at the guy. He was handsome, Wendy had to give her that, in the most sleazy fuckboy fashion, but handsome nonetheless. He also reminded her a fucking lot of Lucas, with the mop of brown hair and green eyes, "what's your name again?"

"It's Jack," the guy smiled, grabbing Bella by the waist, "let's get out of here?"

Wendy shook her head, alarm bells ringing as she noticed Bella stumbling into his arms, "sorry, pal, she's not going anywhere. C'mon, Bell, I wanna introduce you my friends."

"What are you? Her mother?" Jack rolled his eyes, tugging on Bella's wrist, "let's go."

"I don't think-" Bella slurred, seeming more than a little confused by the fight, "you can stayyy, let's meet Wen's friends."

Wendy opened a victorious smile, "yes, let's-"

"No, let's have some alone time-" Jack grabbed Bella's face in his hands, planting a kiss over lips, "uHm? You were having fun..."

"But Wendy is here now," Bella mumbled, shoving his chest, or trying to, "I don't think- Don't think it's a good idea..."

"Don't be dumb-"

"Let go of her," Wendy scoffed, shoving his arm with all her force. It was a little ridiculous, considering Jack was very tall and built, while Wendy herself was chubby and short as hell, even in heels, but he wasn't expecting her to practically body tackle him.

He let go of Bella, glaring at Wendy and then at her, "you're such a bitch."

"Yeah yeah, go stick your dick in a waste disposal," Wendy raised her middle finger, before grabbing Bella's hand in hers and tugging the ginger back to where her friends were.

Megan had moved from the middle of the dancing floor, with Barbie right next to her, except Babs was pressed against the counter kissing the blonde girl who had been flirting with her.

"What the fuck was that?" Megan asked, clearly referring to the scene she had watched from afar, "and who the fuck is this?"

"This is Bella," Wendy shoved Bella sitting down at a bar stool and the ginger groaned at being manhandled, but was drunk enough to go easily, "she's sticking with us tonight."

"Okay," Megan raised her eyebrows in a judgmental manner, before looking sweetly at Bella, "hi Bells, I'm Meg. This is-" she poked Barbie's ribs to force her apart from the blonde, "is Barbie."

"Hii..." Bella smiled, waving, "hi Barbie."

"Hi!" Barbie grinned, "where do I know you from?"

"No idea," Bella frowned, hugging her stomach, "Is Vince here?" she asked again to Wendy, fanning herself and Wendy shook her head.

"He's not here, none of the guys are," she reassured her, noticing that under the makeup Bella was actually quite pale. She sighed, "Bells, are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah," she punctuated it with a hiccup, "I'm fine... I- It's twirling."

"She's definitely gonna blow," Megan said and Wendy scoffed.

"You think? Help me get her to the bathroom- Barbie you're coming with, stop sucking face!" Wendy bossed and together all four women stumbled into the bathroom, Bella sandwiched between Megan and Wendy.

They lowered her in front of the toilet and Wendy pulled on her long red curls, stopping them from getting covered in the mess, "there you go, get it up."

"I'm not-" Bella belched wetly over the water, "I'm not sick..."

"No, of course not," Megan said sarcastically, while Babs squinted at Bella, clearly still trying to place her.

"I'm not," Bella insisted and then gagged, "Ugh- It's just...twirling-"

"Oh! You're the captain's girlfriend, aren't you!?" Barbie exclaimed, "Luke's!"

"Aw fuck-" Bella answered her and then her shoulders hitched with a violent heave and she threw up a large stream of nothing but liquid. Wendy cringed at the strong smell of alcohol.

"Geez, Bell, how much did you drink?" she groaned, flushing the toilet, while Megan patted her back in a friendly manner, ushering the rest up.

"It burns..." Bella groaned, hanging over the bowl, struggling to breathe, "hurts..."

"I know, get it up, you'll be fine soon..." Megan said and Wendy bit down a smile. Of all three of them, Megan was the one who held her liquor the best, so it wasn't like she'd actually know.

Barbie cringed, gagging softly in her hand, big blue eyes wide, "should we call someone...? Her boyfriend?"

"He's not-" Bella gagged again, "he's not my fucking boyfriend!"

"Oh you and Luke brok-

"Babs," Wendy interrupted, widening her eyes, "get Bella a bottle of water?"

"Sure," Barbie made a sympathetic face, "feel better, Bella..."

As if answering her Bell groaned loudly and heaved again, this time bringing up more than just pure liquid and coughing. The music outside drowned most of the noise, but Wendy could swear she heard the next gurgle before Bella was once again shuddering forward, bringing up even more.

"How do you have so much inside of you?!" Megan groaned, turning her face, "you're skinny!"

Wendy couldn't help but chuckle, rubbing Bella's naked back, "you're almost done."

"He fucking-" Bella pulled back and Wendy reached for the toilet paper, which Megan passed her a bunch of towels of. She cleaned Bella's mouth and chin, while her friend flushed the toilet again, "fucking gave me this awful ring."

"Awful?" Wendy humored her, although she already knew about the proposal. Over Bell's shoulder, Megan leaned in, actually interested.

"Horrid," Bella leaned back against Megan, hugging her stomach, "with this-" she burped sickly against her hand, before trying to describe the ring, "big diamond and a bunch of pink rocks around it-"

Oh Lucas had fucked up bad, Wendy thought, while Megan frowned, moving her arms to hold Bella in them in a less awkward manner.

"Your guy proposed? That seems like a perfectly good ring-"

"Not to me!" Bella groaned, shaking her head, "I hate pink, he knows that- He-"

"He proposed out of nowhere in public and then broke up with her when she said no," Wendy cleared up quickly, all in one breath in hopes that Bella didn't quite catch that.

Megan whistled, letting out a scoff, "what a piece of work."

"Found the water!" Barbie beamed, walking back into the bathroom. She too crouched down in the bathroom floor, no thoughts to the fact it was a public bathroom floor and unscrewed the cap, "what did I miss?"

"Bella's ex is a jerk," Megan said and Bella agreed, chugging down the water.

"The worst."

"He cheated?" Barbie's eyes widened and Wendy groaned, but thankfully didn't have to answer that, as Bella immediately regretted drinking the cold water so fast, lurching over the toilet again.

"No, he dumped her because he's a manbaby" Meg explained and Bella groaned loudly, head buried in the bowl.

"Don't call him that..." she belched again, bringing up a smaller wave of vomit and straightening up. This time it was Wendy who caught her, struggling to hold the girl.

"Fuck, you're heavy-" Wendy struggled not to fall on her ass on the disgusting ground, "girls? A hand?!"

Together they helped Bella up and away from the toilet, holding her over the sink while Barbie washed her face.

"There you go!" Barbie smiled brightly, the sunshine person that she was, even though all she had managed to do was melt Bell's mascara down her cheeks, "do you feel better?"

"A little," Bella nodded, taking a small, cautious sip of the water, "sorry-"

"Noo, don't be sorry," Barbie pouted, while Megan agreed, Wendy smiling at her.

"Yeah, it's fine. You're ready to go?"

Bella nodded, while Megan made a face, "Wen, I don't think you can handle her on your own, she's really tall-"

"It's fine, I'm not that drunk..." Bella rubbed a hand over her face, "puking helped."

"See," Wendy grinned, victorious, "I'll see you two tomorrow at the mall, don't forget it."

"Okay..." Barbie threw an arm around Bella, hugging her, "feel better, Bella."

The ginger seemed completely taken back by the kindness display, blue eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights, "thanks..."

"You could come tomorrow" Megan said, hugging her too, "we're going to watch a movie and shop."

"I... I will think about it..."

"Let's go," Wendy waved her friends goodbye, taking Bella's hand in hers and guiding her out of the bathroom and through the crowd.

Once she grabbed her purse at the front desk and they paid for the drinks, Wendy leaned against a street lamp, waiting for their Uber.

Bella seemed to be coming back to herself, the aloof personality, the shame hitting her full force. She wiped the black marks down her cheek and groaned, "that was... That was a mess."

Wendy shrugged, "I've seen worse. Hell, I've done worse."

"Really?" Bella hugged herself, pouting, "because that seemed like rock bottom to me."

"No, rock bottom would be if you had gone home with that asshole and then promptly puked all over him and still had to fuck the guy despite wanting to die."

Bella raised her eyebrows, mouth hanging open, "did you... Did you-"

"I didn't fuck the guy in my case, but he heavily implied it, yes," Wendy rolled her eyes, "you're fine."

"Thanks..." Bella shivered, it was a really cold night and her teeny tiny dress wasn't made for it, "I feel like an asshole."

"What for?"

"Barbie is on the cheer team, isn't she?"

"Yeah," Wendy chuckled, "so that's where she knows you from."

"I hated the cheer team," Bella scoffed, cheeks flushed, "I was so jealous of him around them. All beautiful and girly and bubbly- Sounds pretty fucking pathetic now."

"A little," Wendy admitted, "lucky you Babs doesn't hold grudges."

"Lucky me," Bella nodded, not sounding like she felt even the least bit lucky, "How... How is he?"

"We're not doing this," Wendy shook her head, "fuck Lucas."

The ginger let out a surprised chuckle, nodding, "I guess..." she stared ahead, "I really fucking miss him, Wendy..."

"Oh honey," Wendy sighed and pulled her for a hug, only for Bella to crumble against her. She wondered if anyone had bothered to check on Bella since. Had anyone hugged her?

"I keep- I keep thinking that if I had said yes-"

"No," Wendy interrupted, tiptoeing to kiss her temple, a difficult task with Bella wearing heels, "don't go there. You did the right thing, you're twenty three. You have no intentions of marrying right now-"

"It's not that I don't love him, I just- He knew I never wanted any of this and then he went and did it anyway and he-" she choked up, "and I still love him!"

Wendy squeezed her harder, rubbing Bella's arm, "I know, I'm sorry..."

"Can this... Stay between us? Could you not tell Vince?"

"I'm not," Wendy agreed, hugging her harder, "it's just between us girls."

"Thanks Wen-"

"And you should totally come tomorrow. I'm sure you could use getting out of the dorms," she looked at Bella sternly, "this is not a friendly suggestion."

Bella chuckled, nodding, "yeah, alright..."

#jo march meme: WOMEN!!! #drunk #alcohol #sickfic #emetophilia #emeto #isabella martinez #mywriting

[polyamorous-elevenv2]

I felt like writing angst, so here’s lumax hurt/comfort drabble for you, loves.

Words: 736

-

“Hey, hey, talk to me here.” Lucas’ soft voice interrupted Max’s spiral of pathetic thoughts. She was lying on the hospital bed, looking at the ceiling, not being able to move or feel anything in her body. It was annoying and if she had more water in her system, she would cry angry tears, but because she was still exhausted and dehydrated, she could only stare at the ceiling, hoping it won’t stare back at her this time. Without Vecna around, that is.

“But it’s stupid. And… not that important, anyway.” She sighed, hearing her groggy, hoarse voice. She wasn’t supposed to sound like that. The only thing keeping her talking was the doctor, who said that talking would make her voice and throat better with time. She swallowed hard before speaking. “I’m just emotional, that’s all.”

“MadMax.” Was all that Lucas said, but Max could see in her imagination his puppy-like eyes, begging her to open up to him. It’s the sight that would probably annoy her long ago, but now, she wished she was able to see it again. And she didn’t want to open up, not really, not to Lucas or anyone else. After everything that happened, she was just really fucking tired. 

But she felt helpless and vulnerable, so she thought: fuck it. Just this one time.

“Just- Just don’t laugh.” She said finally, gathering her courage before hearing him hum in agreement. “I just- I had that stupid dream that maybe- in some future or whatever, I would be able to, you know, walk down the isle on ou- my wedding day.” She corrected herself, not wanting to be too vulnerable at once, and although she was pretty sure Lucas did catch that, he didn’t comment or laugh, so she continued. “But here I am. Everything will be known in the future, weeks, months, I don’t even know, and right now, all I can do is lay here, and- and I can’t even turn my head to look at you. It’s- I feel so weak and helpless and angry, and I, I can’t do anything about it, Lucas. It’s tiring.”

She still couldn’t cry or move to look at him, so she did the only thing she could - lick her lips, trying to wet them, if only a little. It was better than just staring at the ceiling, but God, was it pathetic as hell. Her thoughts were a mess. Max knew Lucas enough to know that he wouldn’t just leave her alone - he said that much, just after she woke up a few days ago - but part of her was still scared that after hearing her helpless vulnerable self, he will just walk away. And that made that whole experience even scarier than it already was for her.

But before she could say something again, try to joke or mock him maybe, Lucas’ face came into her view. He wasn’t grinning, and she could tell by the bags under his eyes that he was tired, but… but she saw very clearly that bright, genuine smile on his face, and that overwhelming love in his eyes, that still could make Max’s heart flutter, even after so long of not being together.

“It’s not stupid.” His voice firm, as he slowly lowered himself to her face, and gave her a peck on the cheek, keeping his lips a little longer on her skin than necessary. “You can do it. I know you can. You will be able to walk and dance, and kick asses in no time! And, after all, hey. You’re my MadMax. You’ve already rocked my world with your badassery, so I’m sure you can do it again.” 

Max felt a lump form in her throat, seeing his grin and hearing those words. Lucas was so good for her, too good, really. But he was her rock, and she knew that he will be there for her no matter what.

Feeling emotional, Max was now grateful, that she wasn’t able to cry.

“Y,You are so, stupid, Stalker.” She said, trying to hide her affection with playful insult, knowing that Lucas will understand her anyway. And she didn’t say that words, yet, she couldn’t do it just now, but hoped that she could deliver that two important words to Lucas with her smile and her eyes alone—the appreciation of just being with her all this lonely time.

I love you.

#lumax #lucas sinclair #Max Mayfield #disabled max mayfield #max x lucas #lucas x max #mucas #(?) #lumax fanfiction #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things drabble

[fanficsforheartandsoul]

A Wolf’s Heart | [Deglan x M!Reader] | The Witcher | Part VII

Note: I’m proud (more like ashamed haha...) to announce that the one year anniversary of this requested fic has already passed, like oh god... Ngl I struggled so hard to find the direction I wanted to take this, I had several ideas but mid-writing I wanted to change it again and now we have this. Writing is hard. This will be a life-time lesson for me. But ey depression is really a big hurdle sometimes so yeah... anyways, please enjoy and once again, sorry for the wait :)

Fandom: The Witcher

Warnings: Mentions of Blood, Swearing, Depression, Angst, Slight OOC, Non-Canon Story, Century Typical Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Spiraling, Injuries, Self-Concious Reader, Misunderstandings, Mentions of Alcohol Abuse, Mentions of Addiction

Summary: After having suffered heavy injuries at the beginning of winter and being unable to return to Kaer Morhen, Y/N tries to mend his relationships slowly by approaching one of his friends but someone thwarts his plans and he has not yet prepared himself to meet that person again. 

Word Count: 5.05k

Taglist: @thatsequoia​

Note 2: For all the people wondering about the postal service in this story - like how the fuck did those letters find the witchers on the Path... Magic baby 😎 

The name of Deglan’s horse (Borsuk) translates to badger. 

This part mentions Vergen, which appears in the 2nd Witcher game but I haven’t played this game, so my description is inaccurate.

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VIII, Part IX

Masterlist

Deglan once thought he was a patient man. He was wrong. 

Birke was in two weeks and he was about to lose his fucking mind. 

Y/N was invading every second of his days and he had a hard time focusing on training the new brats and lecturing them. Every little thing reminded him of the younger witcher in some way or another. 

In every nook of the school's keep, he could conjure up a memory of them together and if he couldn't touch the other soon, hold him in his arms, kiss him, he would go on a rampage. 

His bad mood could be sensed not only by his apprentices but also by the other witchers. Most of them had already left on the Path, the bunch he trained for example, but some were still here. And all of them were known to be lazy and therefore, their presence stoked his fury whenever he saw them chattering away and lazing around in the Evening hall. 

The fiery annoyance was visible in his eyes and so most avoided him whenever they crossed his path. 

While their presence had been a curse, the presence of one peculiar younger witcher ended up as a blessing. 

Wendir, Y/N's close friend, was one of the men who still lingered in the school and one peculiar Saturday evening, he ended up knocking on Deglan’s door. 

He was working on his next lecture when he heard the knock and he raised an eyebrow when he came face to face with the witcher he had trained alongside of Y/N, Fenri, Barmin and the three others.

The brown-haired man looked serious and a suspicious feeling rose in his chest.

"I received a letter.” 

Those four words were enough for Deglan's heartbeat to speed up. 

Wordlessly he received the paper from the other and he began to read. 

Wendir,

I write to you in hope that you will try to understand my thinking and actions with an objective view. I don't dare send these words to Fenri or Barmin because I must have made them angry and I expect them to doubt my words, which they have every right to do. You're free to do so as well, though I beg you to try and see my reasoning before making your opinion about me. 

As you may know, I haven't returned to Kaer Morhen this winter and have yet to explain why I couldn't. 

At this point, I'm certain you're aware... of my secret, but please do not blame my absence on that. 

You might have already left the keep and though I am uncertain of your next location I ask you to meet me in Vergen and give me the opportunity to explain myself. 

I’m not there yet but I am close and as slow as I currently am, I expect to arrive around the time of Birke and if you still ride like you did when we were younger you possibly will as well. 

I hope to see you soon. 

Y/N, Vengerberg

If you could spare some herbs for me... An accident happened and I lost most of my stash...

Deglan read the letter twice and it took him less than a second to make a decision after he read the last sentence again.

He pointed his finger at Wendir and his voice held a determined tone: 

"You saddle your horse and Borsuk." 

The younger man blinked. 

"Right now?" 

Deglan pushed the letter into Wendir’s hands and began to button up his shirt.

"Right now. And fucking hurry up! I'll go and talk to Rennes before we depart." 

Wendir scratched his head but the brown-haired witcher turned around and hurried down the hall.

Deglan’s lips formed a grim smile as he pulled his witcher medaillon from underneath his shirt and then he turned around and quickly grabbed a few things from his shelves and stuffed them in the bags he had already prepared weeks ago. 

His heartbeat quickened as he put on his fur cloak and his sword scabbards over it. He loosened their belts a bit and then grabbed his armoured gloves. 

Almost, he thought as he put them on as well. 

He glanced at the papers on his table. The lesson plan for the next few days, the unfinished suggestion letter for another parcours course. 

Fuck his lectures, fuck the brats he had to teach and fuck Rennes. 

He would leave right now, whether their leader wanted that or not. He would not ask for permission this time. 

Quickly he wrote down a few words on a piece of paper, left the note on his bed and then he grabbed his bags and walked out of the room to go and find some herbs he could bring with him for Y/N.

Half an hour later Deglan and Wendir left through the gate.

Brace yourself, bastard. I’m done being patient, Y/N.

-

Lisica followed the path to Vergen in a slow but steady walk. The mare seemed content to take it easy for once and her ears moved around to take in all the sounds of the surrounding wildlife. 

Her rider absent-mindedly petted her mane and was deep in thought. 

Will he come?

Y/N had hesitated at first but Hannes convinced him to write a letter to one of his friends. 

At first, he thought about Barmin but something inside of him was too self-conscious to write to his best friend. It was the fact that he had not sent the other a letter in the last few months, he addressed the one where he apologized for his absence to Fenri...

In the end, he chose Wendir, the youngest of their friend group. He might be more understanding in this situation than his best friend. The brunette was surprisingly the most rational besides Barmin. Probably because he had a lot of time to think since he always used to avoid chores and his training in the school’s keep. 

Fond memories rose and he lifted his head to squint at the sun. He still had to ride for a few more hours before he would reach the next bigger village. And from there it would take him another 3 days until he would arrive in Vergen. 

The prospect of more aching leg muscles and a sore butt caused him to smile grimly. 

He had wanted to buy a new saddle for months now but he did not have the money. He had spent most of it on his unexpected stay in Vengerberg and alcohol. The druid, who more or less did a good job, had been expensive and even though Iven gave him a discount on his stay in the tavern, Y/N’s pockets were lighter than he liked. 

His annoyance only grew as he thought of how he spent the coins he had received from Fenri’s hunt. 

He sighed and patted his healing leg. It still hurt a bit and that was why he was travelling at such a slow speed. He didn’t want to hinder the healing process so he was riding at snail’s pace. 

On one side, it was relaxing, on the other, it was boring and it gave his mind a lot of time to wander and to mull over his upcoming stay in Vergen.

He really hoped Wendir would come. 

He needed someone by his side because the prospect of having lost his friends and giving up on the love of his life was filling his head with dark thoughts and things he did not want to think about at all. 

He sighed deeply.

I hope I can still fix this...

Anxious, his hand found one of the wine bottles in his saddle bag, while his other played with the blue cloth around his neck. .

-

3 days later Y/N lowered himself to the ground and led Lisica inside the stable of Vergen’s only inn, The Cauldron, with bowlegs.

Every muscle in his body ached and the dwarf who had pointed him towards the stables at the outskirts of the city and who he paid for Lisica’s stay, chuckled when he saw the hooded figure stiffly walk into the building.

The stable was made out of stone like all the other buildings in the town and since the sun had yet to set, the lanterns inside weren’t lit and therefore, only few specks of light entered the barn. Not that the darkness was a problem for his eyes.

He rolled his tight shoulders and examined the building. It was quite big with 12 horse boxes made of wooden walls that reached the middle of his torso. Most of them seemed occupied by horses of all sizes and colors.

The witcher led Lisica into the first unoccupied box near the entrance. Next to it was one with a white pony.

The little guy - who most likely belonged to one of the many dwarves in town - looked curiously over the wooden wall and Lisica greeted him with a snort, while her owner took off her bridle. She stretched her neck, and he followed her example and groaned as he stretched his whole body, her bridle still in his left hand. He stepped out after giving Lisica a head pat and hung it on the designated hook outside the door.

Next to the right wall of the box was a saddle stand and a small shelf with some brushes. He made a mental note to use them to reward his mare.

She had been very patient for the last day when they basically rode for 24 hours straight. He would give her a well-deserved massage and make her coat look the shiniest among the horses in the stable.

He was about to step into the box again to get his bags and remove Lisica’s saddle when he noticed a dark brown horse in the box right next to the white pony’s. He could only see the ass of the animal, but it had a scar on its rump that he could recognize easily and relief washed over him like a big wave.

Wendir was here. He had come.

A bit overwhelmed with joy, he quickly entered the box again and rifled through his saddlebags, while ignoring Lisica’s curious headbutts. He found the carrots he had bought from a farmer and gave one to his mare. She gobbled it up while eyeing the other one, but that carrot wasn’t for her.

He temporarily closed the gate to Lisica’s stable and then he walked down the hallway of the barn towards the box with the familiar horse.

In the dim light he saw how Wendir’s mare Katya was dozing while relaxing her right hind leg.

Based on the straw in her fur and some not-fully dried sweat stains, he guessed that his friend still rode like a member of the Wild Hunt and barely arrived before him.

“Hey girl”, he said in a low whisper, and she turned her head.

He held the carrot over the box gate, and it appeared as if she wasn’t interested at first. He frowned.

“Did he urge you like a demon again?”, he asked the horse, remembering the riding lessons he had with his friends, and he clicked his tongue disapprovingly. Katya huffed as if she was agreeing.

Tiredly, she stepped up to the gate and he petted her softly as she ate the carrot.

He was cooing her name, telling her how happy he was to see her, while scratching her head.

If someone saw him, the witcher who stank like a drunkard and looked like someone had used a plow on his face, talking in a high voice, they would probably shake their heads in disbelief and maybe disgust. But he was just too excited.

In maybe half an hour he would explain himself to Wendir and hopefully the other would understand him. His ugly mug would serve as proof and then his friend would help him calm Fenri’s anger and Barmin’s likely disappointment. He could see it before his eyes, and he breathed out as if a big weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

After realizing that he didn’t have more carrots, Katya had enough of his petting, and she walked away from him to return to her former dozing position.

Y/N saw that as a cue to take care of Lisica and returned to her box, where he took off her saddle and put it on the saddle stand. He grabbed one of the brushes and for the next 15 minutes he brushed her and spoke to her in a low voice, while she relaxed and nibbled away on the hay in the corner.

After making sure his mare was comfortable for the night, he grabbed his bags and left the building. It was quite dark now and, in the distance, he could see lights in the houses. 

He was about to slowly follow the stony path to The Cauldron when he heard a snort and when he turned his head, he noticed the small pasture next to the stable. Unlike he had thought before when he entered the stables, there actually was a horse in it.

Something put pressure on his chest.

A few feet away, behind the wooden fence stood an ash grey stallion.

He knew that horse well. He had learned mounted combat on it.

Memories bubbled to the surface, and he felt sick. The sweet aftertaste of Cintrian Faro suddenly tasted foul.

He remembered hours of training and having sore muscles, falling into the dirt, getting kicked after agitating Borsuk too much, hands that helped him out of the saddle, hands that checked him for blisters, hands that had put medicine on the hoof-shaped bruise on his back, hands that he had dreamed about so many times-

Y/N whirled around, his heartbeat thundering loudly in his ears and made one step, two, three- before someone grabbed him by his cloak and dragged him towards the side of the stable.

His attacker hurled him against the stone wall and the impact left him dazed and pain shot through his body from his head to his still healing leg. His collar was seized harshly, the other man basically carried all his weight, and he felt the breath of his assailant on his face.

Y/N didn’t dare open his eyes.  

“You goddamn bloody bastard”, said an agitated voice that he hadn’t heard in almost three years now. His heart quivered and he turned his head away instinctively. His hand let go of his bags in defeat.

Fuck was all he could think at that moment. Bloody fucking hell.

“Look at me, you fucker.”

The witcher breathed out shakily, and then opened his eyes to peer at the other man out of the corner of his vision.

Deglan looked the same as three years ago, besides maybe a few more grey strands in his hair and beard and some wrinkles. His jaw was still framed by a magnificent beard, and his sharp cheekbones combined with his broken nose embodied a handsome roughness. He looked better than ever.

Y/N had a hard time breathing.  

But Deglan’s face was dark, a blazing fury was visible in his yellow eyes and his lips were pulled into a snarl.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment”, growled the older witcher and had he said those words to him in any other moment, Y/N would have felt a sharp tug in his lower body, but due to these circumstances, he only felt panic rising in his chest.

“...S… ‘s good to see you, Deglan...”

At first, he thought that his low murmur was left unnoticed, but his former mentor rose an eyebrow and a second later, he frowned and sniffed the air.

“You smell like shit. How much booze did you drink on your way here? Did you lose your way during the winter and end up in a Brewery instead of Kaer Morhen?”

All of Deglan’s words stung like hell. Fuck, they were a low blow and Y/N winced inwardly. Because as much as it stung, it was halfway true.

He sunk more into himself, and his mentor had to hold him up.

The lack of any reply didn’t seem to sit well with Deglan, so he grabbed him by the chin and roughly turned his head.

“Care to look me in the eye when I speak to y-”

Y/N’s eyes were downcast, and his face was covered in the shadows of his hood, but this didn’t stop the witcher’s eyes from spotting the new ugly scars across his face.

His mentor sucked in some air sharply and he automatically formed his hands into fists. The h/c haired witcher digged his nails into his skin trying to ground himself but this situation was so much worse than any nightmare scenario he had ever imagined, it was of no use.

The grip on his collar left and Y/N’s eyes widened slightly as Deglan’s hand entered his periphery. An absurd fear of getting hit entered his mind, but his mentor did no such thing. 

He touched his cheek, light as a feather and it was so unexpected after his rough handling and talk that Y/N’s limbs turned weak.

His breath quickened automatically as the man he still loved so passionately traced the scar tissue in his face with an unreadable expression.

“...A forktail. It got me good”, he said awkwardly and tried to ignore the growing heat that crept up his neck.

Deglan remained silent, his eyebrows scrunched and with his other hand, he pushed off the hood of Y/N’s cloak to fully reveal the length of his scars, his chipped right ear and his disrupted hairline.

Someone breathed out shakily, Y/N wasn’t sure if it was himself or the other man, but he felt extremely vulnerable and exposed.

This is the worst...

He felt so embarrassed, so ashamed- Talented my ass, if he remembered the last 2 years, he wasn’t exactly the prime example of a good witcher.

Standing in front of Deglan now, he felt inferior.

He hadn’t bathed in weeks, he smelled like a drunkard and was one too. He lost all of his herbs and elixirs, had barely any money left and looked disfigured, and on top of it all, he didn’t even consider the possibility of Wendir’s letter getting into the wrong hands.

Deglan had either forced his friend to read Y/N’s letter to him or his brown-haired friend betrayed him and went to his former mentor by free will. Not so clever, are we…

Anger churned in his chest, but it was overshadowed by the growing black hole that seemed to suck every snippet of hope away from him when he looked at the stony expression of his mentor, the snippets of hope that had begun to burn again after Deglan touched him with such tenderness.

He must be disappointed that his “talented” apprentice let himself get mangled by a monster to such an extent. Why else would he look so stern? There was no other explana-

“Fuck, I worried so much.”

Hands grabbed Y/N’s arms and suddenly there was a weight on his shoulder. Deglan’s head pressed against the thick cloth of his cloak, and he heard him sigh deeply.

His heart pounded loudly in his ear. He blinked. And didn’t react. He stood still as a statue, while his former mentor clung onto him, his fingers digging into the leather armor that covered his wrists. The warmth of the other man was almost unbearable, and Y/N’s breath turned erratic once more.

“L-Let go please”, he croaked, something was blocking his throat.

The older witcher lifted his head and halted. Y/N could practically see how his pupils began to focus on the blue cloth around his throat and had Deglan said something in that moment, he would’ve been unable to hear anything because his heartbeat was thundering so loudly in his chest.

Fuck, oh lord-

“I-“, he began but before he could find the words to formulate the dozen dumb excuses in his mind, Deglan grabbed his head and took his breath away.

The kiss was sloppy and more forceful than anything else, but it ignited the dying fire in Y/N’s hollow chest, and before he could even think about it he found himself leaning into the touch subconsciously.

Their lips parted soon after and he breathed in hastily, feeling light-headed from the lack of oxygen and the fact that Deglan just fucking kissed him.

The younger witcher grabbed his mentor’s upper arms, keeping him at arm’s length away.

“What- what are you doing??” he whispered, staring at the thigh that invaded the space between his legs and his lip quivered as his mind spun from shock.

“Don’t run away anymore, Y/N. You bloody fool.”

He didn’t have time to process these words.

Deglan kissed him again, he pressed his body against his and in the dark of the night, against the cold stone wall of the stable, Y/N fell into the abyss.

His body was going up in flames, every part that Deglan touched started burning and the fire couldn’t be extinguished.

His mentor’s beard scratched his cheeks and his tongue sent shivers down his spine. His left leg was giving out, but it was nonchalantly ignored as the older witcher held him up with his arms and his leg on which Y/N was basically sitting by now.

The friction against his pants was driving him crazy.

Y/N moaned but the sound was silenced by Deglan’s greedy lips, and the two men lost themselves in the fiery heat of the other.

-

Sometime later he recovered and was suddenly he was sitting at a table in the tavern, one of his best friends in front of him while his mentor stared holes into the side of his head from the seat next to him. His bags were tucked under the stool he was currently sitting on.

He didn’t know how he even got there, still dazed from the sudden development. His face flushed as he remembered how his mentor basically devoured his lips and every spot that Deglan’s hands had touched tingled.

“Y/N?” Wendir asked and he blinked to regain his focus.

“Yes?” he croaked; his voice was rough, and he coughed.

Wendir gesticulated at his face, the brown-haired witcher was frowning since the moment he saw his friend’s red rimmed scars and his glossy eyes, as if he had cried just a while ago.

“What happened?”

He opened his mouth to answer but Deglan interrupted him:

“A forktail attacked him.”

Y/N stared at the older man in confusion while Deglan returned his look with a burning gaze. He gulped and turned his head to stare at the wood grain of the table. Because of that he missed Wendir’s raised eyebrow.

“I… I uh was on my way to Hagge when the bastard pounced on me. He surprised me, and I was careless”, he lowered his head and stroke his hair, clenching the other hand into a fist. It wasn’t exactly fun retelling that embarrassing moment again.

He felt totally out of it. All the things he had wanted to tell his friend were lost in the tornado that currently swept through his mind.

Deglan kissed me his brain screamed and between the excitement and the shock he was left dazed and speechless. So, he just told Wendir and Deglan the most important thing he wanted his friend to know:

“I was on my way to Kaer Morhen, you have to believe me.”

He hesitantly looked up at the other two and his gaze met Deglan’s. His mentor looked at him, his yellow eyes filled with something Y/N couldn’t quite fathom. Something flitted across his face and like many times before he wished he could hear what was going on inside his mentor’s head.

“I believe you.”

Wendir cut the moment between them short, but relief trickled through the h/c haired witcher and the tension in his shoulders disappeared. His eyes met his friend’s, and both smiled weakly.

“We know how old scars look on a witcher and yours are still fairly new” said Wendir and he gave their mentor a meaningful look.

Said man remained quiet, his expression was blank, hiding his feelings like a mask and it worried Y/N endlessly. But before he could say anything the inn keeper arrived and placed three jugs of beer down on their table.

“If ye want more, get it yerself, there-” the short man pointed at the barrels lined up at the wall across the tavern. The giant wood barrels were barely visible behind the number of patrons currently inside. “I’ll put it on yer tab. Ask my daughter if you want to pay.” He nodded at a young woman who walked past with some dishes in her hands.

The witchers all expressed their thanks and the inn keeper left, Y/N downed his drink in a few gulps, and then was about to stand up to get another and to momentarily flee but Deglan reached out lightning quick and grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. 

“If I were you, I’d stop drinking so much.”

His mentor’s hand burned like fire on his skin and for a second the h/c haired witcher thought about their moment next to the stables and how much his breath must have smelled, and he ducked his head and nodded slowly. 

Wendir looked at them with a strange expression but when he saw how Deglan watched his friend with eagle eyes after taking his hand back, his own eyes grew big and the corners of his mouth twitched. 

Oh, he saw what was going on. There must have been a reason why his mentor and Y/N had entered the tavern at the same time, the latter clearly dazed as if something life-changing had happened.

“Congratulations”, he said while lifting his jug, an amused smirk dancing on his lips.

Y/N stared at him and mirrored the gesture visibly confused but before he could ask why Wendir congratulated him, the brunette began to talk about his and Deglan’s journey to Vergen. 

The h/c haired witcher barely payed attention, Wendir suffering Deglan’s silence went in one ear and out the other, his head still back at the stable, Deglan’s words echoing in his mind.

“Don’t run away anymore, Y/N.”

Run away? Did this really mean what he was thinking? Was it all a misunderstanding? Did Deglan actually- 

“Okay, okay, that’s enough. Look at him, he’s fucking tired. He is not the only one. We should all go to bed, I already paid for our rooms.” 

Deglan interrupted Wendir’s dramatic retelling with rolling eyes and stood up, his empty jug in one hand, some coins for the payment of their drinks in another. His words interrupted Y/N’s racing thoughts and he felt as if he returned to reality. 

As if...

“Oh, yes, I need to ask for my room.”

“Wait-”

He stood up - his hands taking the bags from underneath his seat - and due to one of the barmaids manouvering herself and 6 jugs between the tables and bodies, Y/N evaded Deglan’s outstretched hand and he hurried to the inn keeper, who had retreated back behind the counter where he was cleaning the used jugs in a skilled fashion.

“I’d like to get a room please and a bath”, he said, a little breathless, rummaging through one of his saddle bags to look for his coin pouch. 

“Not with one of the others, huh? There’s only one room left and it’s connected to the one next to it but ye can lock the door. I’m sure ye take what ye can get. Room plus bath costs 120 a night, another 15 if ye want hot water.”

Y/N didn’t really understand what he meant with his first words but he didn’t think about it too long because he could feel a certain someone stare holes into his back and it messed with his head. 

“Uhh, yes, I’ll take that one. Here-” he handed the man the amount and some additional coins, “make sure the door stays closed. And I’ll take hot water please.”

The inn keeper nodded and then waved at his daughter, who hurried towards them as soon as she spotted her father. 

“Take the lad upstairs and prepare a hot bath in the corner room.”

His daughter, a red-haired, busty young woman, looked him up and down, her eyes visibly frowning when she saw his scarred face, but she said nothing and instead took the key for the room from her father’s hand and then gestured for him to follow her. 

The h/c haired witcher thanked the old man and then quickly followed her to the stairs. A look back showed him that Deglan was still watching him, his yellow eyes were dark and holding something predatory. Wendir behind him only grinned and gave him a little wave. 

The woman led him to the first floor and to the room which was furthest away from the stairs. She unlocked the door and gave him the key without touching his skin.

“Here”, she stated and quickly retracted her hand. “I’ll come back with hot water in a few minutes. It will be fully prepared in about an hour.”

He nodded and quietly whispered his thanks, as her eyes darted everywhere but his face. He bit his lip and then walked into the room, where he placed his bags at the foot of the bed. 

The room was small, there was only space for the bed, a chest in the left corner next to it and next to the door behind a folding screen was a wooden bath tub. 

The door which connected this room to the one next to it, was small, smaller than his height but it seemed to be used regularly as no dust appeared on the door handle. 

The daughter of the inn keeper took a bucket from behind the folding screen and then left him alone in the room, closing the door behind her.

Y/N sighed and sat down on the bed. He rubbed his face with his hands. 

What the hell had just happened in the last 30 minutes? Was he dreaming?

A certain witcher asked himself the same question but due to different reasons.

#requested #the witcher #the witcher x male reader #the witcher animation #deglan #deglan x male reader #deglan x m!reader #x male reader #male reader #mlm fanfic #the witcher 3 #request #fanficsforheartandsoul #fanfiction #i'm sorry #part 7 #damn it's taking so long

[violaceum-vitellina-viridis]

actually y'know what on the topic of my darling beloved @queerfictionwriter

i did fully intend to make a very gay post about her on our anniversary, but i was already in the trenches of migraine hell time by then and so all i managed was this, in case anyone missed it:

entangled really is the best description we've got for it, and we don't have time to really unpack all of the intricacies of all of that, but what i am here for is to wax extremely fucking gay about how much i love and appreciate twist

read more specifically so this is not a huge wall of text

look, i could go on for days about how much i adore twist. she's funny and she's sweet and she's petty and she's vicious and she's smart and she's loving and just -- i could go on, i really could. everything she is, even the "bad" things, i just. i love her so much. i've said similar before, but i lured her home a little over two years ago expecting i would get a new fandom friend, and i did! i absolutely got that!

but i also got a twin. a partner, my illegal wife. a cowriter and developmental editor. genuinely, i accidentally came across some kind of soulmate -- someone who has felt, from the beginning, like a home.

and the thing is, none of that has changed, it's only gotten more and more. and right now -- god, right now.

i mentioned in my last post, but i've suddenly developed chronic migraine. 60 out of the last 66 days have either been active migraine attack, or somewhere inside the symptoms. i haven't been a person, i've been a shambling pile of depressive episodes, emotional flashbacks, a whole lot of physical and emotional pain and ongoing crisis. my brain has been trying to self-cannibalize, and also eat anything and anyone i love in the process, and twist has not in any fashion been spared from that. during my worst moments, i have said some incredibly awful shit, implied even worse about her, and it's never been about her, it's always been my brain lashing out at the safest part of my life because i'm in crisis, but it doesn't remove the fact that it's happened. it's happened, and i feel incredibly bad about it, but the thing is that twist has gone nowhere.

there's been new boundaries, and limits, and changes, of course there has; she cannot be the only person dealing with me, when i'm like this, and when i have clarity (rare, for the last 66 days, but getting less so, in the world's tiniest increments) i know that. when i don't know that, well -- spiralling me is a lying whore and we're not trusting them on fuck all.

but twist has stuck around. she's had hard conversations with me, and she's helped me process a lot of what's happening, and she's encouraged me through the worst of the hopelessness about my health and situation. she's assured me again and again that being sick is not a crime, that she's not going anywhere no matter what my abandonment trauma thinks. she's helped me set up ways to cope -- a playlist of songs she's picked that are meant to remind me that she loves me (its title is literally Twist Loves You), pinned messages in discords, willingness to reassure me, tagging in our other loved ones, writing up a document so that they understand how best to care for me when i'm in this crisis. she's encouraged me to go to the ER, encouraged me to get therapy, let me whine very, very loudly and very, very much about everything.

she's been fucking incredible, the entire time, even when it's felt like everything is falling apart -- every time, she's there when i come back to the surface. and i don't genuinely think i can put into words how precious that is, how much it means to me, how much i love and adore her not just for what she does for me but everything she is -- someone who doesn't love in moderation, who is willing to love me like this, who is willing to love me even when the scared-animal part of me is convinced i don't deserve it. someone who loves like that at all, not just me but everyone she loves.

so yeah. idk how coherent this is, and i don't think it matters. i just. i love her so much, and i need to shout it from the goddamn rooftops because she deserves to hear it and everyone else should know how amazing, fantastic, perfect and wonderful she is. fantastic friend, fantastic partner, fantastic writer, fantastic editor, fantastic person overall and across the board.

#no i am not sorry for being gay and bleeding heart on main #migraine hell time #being gay on main is the correct choice when you have someone as fucking magnificent and larger than life as twist to be gay about

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Hello, same anon here as the previous anon, god, thank you so much, I am so screenshotting your reply. I already try my best not to end up on ana tags, it's a last resort, but every other day my mental health gets so bad I just need something, anything to distract myself and I don't have close friends I could vent to, and that's the only other thing I can think of. Plus at least sweetspos are nice and understanding, and I don't usually,,,get that from anyone, so yeah. I am already supposed to get some sort of social anxiety treatment, but they're extremely inefficient and slow with it. And they just shrugged when I told them I wanna kms. I thought I'll just throw whatever destructive coping mechanism at that, and when I no longer wanna die, I'll fix them, but now my hair is starting to fall out (I think. Unsure though.) and I am not better at all. And two people I used to be close friends with had restrictive EDs, and I guess this is my way of feeling close to them. And I'm turning 18 later this year, and that feels scary as fuck, and I thought if I lose stupid amounts of weight I can at least look childish. Okay, sorry, at this point I am just rambling, but I've been keeping this to myself for what feels like ages. Anyways. Thank you again for your reply so sosososo so much. It helped a lot.

I'm glad my response helped and I'm proud of you for working towards health. I distracted myself from my abusive childhood experiences (C-PTSD stuff) with weight loss too, and it quickly spiraled into anorexia- and it did the absolute opposite of making me not want to die, so don't convince yourself and ED will improve your life, it never will. I felt like I "deserved" to suffer, that somehow if I suffered enough it would make right what was broken in me. If I could just be "thin enough" it would fix all my problems, so I used behaviors and buried myself in my ED to avoid dealing with the real problems in my life. From what you've said it seems like you're doing the same, so please get help. I don't have any friends either so I come onto Tumblr to vent and find support as well. I know weaning yourself off of harmful tags is difficult, that it feels like a proper distraction from your other suffering, but it will not help. Please believe me, I've been battling these demons for almost 14 years- almost as long as you've been alive- and all it did was waste my life and make me mentally disabled and even more withdrawn from the world- as well as give me countless health problems I will never recover from. I may be in recovery, but my body will never fully recover from the hell anorexia put it through. I lost hair, have multiple damaged organs that require meds and outpatient care frequently, severe GI issues, I almost lost my teeth, needed multiple surgeries, developed osteopenia and had to do PT over and over as I continuously damaged my body with over exercising and starvation. It may feel like a "good" distraction now, but it's not. It will ruin your life more than it already has if you don't get help. I know growing up is hard, but it will only be harder with an ED. Sweeatspos are NOT "nice and understanding," they are another trap for you to fall into created by disgusting pro ana blogs to convince you your life will somehow get better if you get sicker. It won't. Anorexia ruined my life, my body, everything I had. I am just starting to get my life back in my late 30s. You're young; your mind and body can still fully recover if you make the necessary changes now- don't end up like me. Please, get help. I know what it's like to feel like no one cares, especially when you're suicidal, because I've been there. I just got out of the hospital after an attempt in November actually, and as soon as I attempted I got help and went to the hospital because I realized I didn't want to die- I just wanted the pain to stop, and I get the feeling that you're in the same boat. So really harp on your healthcare team about medication, therapy, anything you need to get better. If you feel you'd be safer in a hospital, GO. I've been hospitalized over and over throughout my life when I was most in danger from myself and even if it doesn't "fix" you it will get you more urgent physical and psychiatric attention by a medical team that will take you seriously and keep you safe. Don't wait until you can't fully recover like I did. Get help now, let them all know you're in real danger- it can bring discomfort to truly let people know how badly you're suffering, but you won't regret it. After all my time suffering I finally "came out" about my ED when I was hospitalized the last time to my close family and have only received support and love from doing so. I don't know if that will be your experience as I don't know any about your family, but I know having people irl who know my story has helped me cope, and if you can share your story with those who love you they could help you and support you in regaining your mental and physical health as well.

Your future doesn't have to be full of starving and pain- but you do have to choose, every day, to get better so it won't be!

#anti pro ana #tw ED #tw restrction #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #tw anorexia

[zumpietoo]

Errmmm....nooo...we meet Slizzy, the user and the slut, always taking credit for the accomplishments of others, fucking over others and being a trampy, violent psychopath....

No, she’s “looked to spiral” and now has “looked to a cult”..

Yes, yes....sorry, but not new..

Noooo, she’s become the champion for self victimization, being a total hypocrite, temper tantruming and body shaming other women for choices that are none of her business. Especially when she doesn’t get invited to parties. 

I met PP in LA, she was already sulking her ass off. She remains seated because she’s fucking lazy AF. She talks to me about her ladypain and not bothering to get real treatment/address her issues....she does sidestep her cult a lot this time, so maybe she’s getting bored with that shit.....otherwise, she literally says the same bullshit she always says....

There is nothing remotely “intimate” here, it’s her stand blabber (tho she might’ve let slip a thing or two)...

I fucking hate this job, even tho it’s the best I’m ever gonna do. But I like to pretend otherwise. Also, do you have $5 to give me? I need $$$

I actually haven’t and I’m seekritly fully aware I suck ass. I’m also seekritly aware this is the best it’s ever gonna be and I’m staring down obscurity already. And by “my style”, I mean everybody kissing my ass...

No, in fact, I have to buy my way onto things. This is some bullshit I’ve made up, since the role/project is on indefinite hold, anyway.....and I was neverrrr gonna get it. And even if I had, would’ve fallen flat on my face.

I was sooooo speshullllllll.....and sensitive, cuz that’s how I like to see myself when I’m a difficult mess....

Sooo, soooo, SOOOOOOO speshul....

I wanted lots of attention and could tell Cole was finally getting REALLY fed up with my bullshit for good, so I figured I’d preemptively shade him with this....also I really like $$$, so I figured I’d “publish” shit I’d shared with my fandumb for free on tumblr all along....

I can’t believe people are such meanies that they actually CRITICIZED  my middle school style whining!!!

Oh no, I routinely excuse myself from everything! And I, in fact, exactly wanted everybody to see how deep and sensitive I am....and to start shading Cole, cuz how dare he get fed up with me fucking around and making my MH issues the central focus of our relationship? It’s like he thought HE was a person with needs, tooo!!!

AND HOW DARE HE FUCKING DUMP ME AND START DATING, A FULL YEAR LATER, A WOMAN WAY SKINNIER THAN I AM?????

Alsoooo.....my costars point at me and call me “fatty”. Except FT, cuz her ass is huge....oh and Shannon, but I don’t count her. She’s moar Cole’s friend and actually talented/serious about her craft....

By “therapist” I mean cult leader, buuut..... Oh yeah....and did I mention, as I’m saying this, I’m a total hypocrite who gets lots of plastic surgery? Cuz this is all legit bullshit......it’s soooo hard.....

I was told to ask you about something you never shut up about/is not remotely new info! BTW....did you just basically say “you’re bi-polar”??? Cuz that isn’t how depression works....

Also I believe you have no “healthy relationships” in your life atm and the last (possibly only ever) one was Cole, correct? Is that why you’re stalking him/his current GF with his other ex?

Oh also, I totally am NOT “trying to escape” by being in a cult, doing drugs a lot and “talking to ghosts thru the ether”...

People don’t, actually...my agent had to really haul ass to make it happen. I have exposed myself as a whiny hypocrite who just wants to get attention, sympathy and most importantly swag/$$$.

Also, I’ve been telling peeps they “don’t know what I’m capable of” since 2017....so plenty of time to change that. I’m too lazy and entitled....this is my slightly humbler version, cuz I’m also soooperrr gloomy these days. 

But, again, depression rocks...see above!