#for the same reason asexuality is considered bad or wrong or weird

[treeofnonsense]

Talk to me about ace friendo - 1, 8, 20, 21, 28, 33, and 34 🤍💜

THANK YOUUUUU I GET TO RAMBLE IT'S GOING TO BE LOONG

1. Which labels do you use?

Asexual and aromantic cis(???how do you define cis???) woman. There are probably some microlabels under the ace/aro umbrellas that could describe me but I don't tend to dive into microlabels anymore - I've found that defining myself by those feels more like cutting myself up to fit into little boxes rather than finding a space I'm comfy in. I'm okay with being referred to as gay when it's a joke or as part of a group (ie "one of the gays" "gay people in your phone") and I'll count myself as a member of the LGBT community if directly asked (though I'm always a little hesitant because they don't always want to include me back). I don't use queer because I've never had it thrown at me and don't feel I have the right to reclaim it.

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender:

I don't know how, but you got the right answer with the wrong equation.

20. Do you feel like you "fit in" with the queer/Pride community overall?

Yes and no. I'm very thankful for the community because it's the only place I've felt able to be my full self, but on the other hand there is definitely a disconnect for a few reasons. One is that I live in a non-urban conservative area, and a lot of Pride stuff seems to default to urban and liberal. I've never been to a Pride parade - not because I want to but because there aren't any where I live. People forget those of us who live in the boonies I think - or they actively look down on us, which sucks. Sometimes the discourse feels so above my head - they're talking stores taking down their Pride decorations while I haven't even noticed the change because they NEVER do that here in the first place.

The other thing is that there was definitely a pushback towards asexuals specifically being considered LGBT a few years ago. Don't know the exact timeframe (I thankfully wasn't around online during that time) but the ripple effects can still be felt. I think the idea is that we were actually just heterosexual imposters in disguise or something - it's stupid - but it's made me very nervous about joining any LGBT groups. I always have to check to see if the LGBT+ actually includes the A, y'know? Add to that the fact that the LGBT community naturally talks a lot about sex and romance (understandable, I'm not trying to change it, on a logical and ideological level I think talking about these things frankly is good) and I can sometimes feel alienated there. Some LGBT people seem to think that sexual freedom means "everyone should have sex all the time" and like ... no. It means the freedom to choose whatever you want. If you're forcing something on me you're just as bad as everyone else.

21. What message would you give to your younger self?

Measure your life's value in happiness, not money.

28. Do you experience both romantic and sexual attraction? Do you experience them the same across any gender(s) you are attracted to?

I definitely do not have the sexual attraction, for anyone. I can tell generally when someone is supposed to be hot, but only because I've learned from experience what is socially accepted as "hot". I can definitely find people beautiful but it's in the same way I'd find a landscape beautiful - I want to stare at it, maybe I want to draw it, but nothing else. I've noticed I tend to find women beautiful more often than men; I don't know if that's because I'm more familiar with the biology, because women tend to dress up more due to societal pressures, or just a weird preference. But again, it never progresses beyond aesthetic appreciation and there have definitely been guys I like to look at too so it's not 100% reliable.

Romantic is harder. When you take out everything physical, I have a hard time telling the difference between a romance and a close friendship. I'm dense as a brick when people flirt with me because I literally cannot tell they're not just being friendly. I know I'm not upset by being single like some people seem to be, but I do get lonely without friends. There are people I want to get to know better and do stuff with - is that wanting friends? Romantic attraction? I DUNNO MAN! Most people do not seem to have this problem, so I assume I'm different and slap the aromantic label on myself. It works.

33. What about your LGBT identity do you feel proud of/want to recognize/celebrate?

I'm proud of my own independence when it comes to relationships. I don't need a significant other or a sexual partner to be "complete," contrary to what the world says. If you want those things, by all means, but for those people who are ace/aro, who aren't ready for a relationship, or are learning to just exist as themselves alone for the first time, I want to be living proof that it is possible to be happy on your own. You are not half of a person if you are single. You are a whole person. Just you is enough.

34. What are you needing most right now (what would make your life easier or more fulfilling in regards to existing as queer)?

I need a new wardrobe. Been having Gender Thoughts(TM) thanks in no small part to some of my mutuals going through it and I'm now realizing that a lot of my clothes don't really fit who I am in my head anymore. My family was kinda poor growing up and I learned not to waste things, so I have a lot of old clothes and hand-me-downs still left over, many of which are pretty classic feminine. I want to try getting some more masculine stuff and see how that feels. (if uh... if any of you have advice for going slightly more masc please let me know, this is new to me and I am confuzzled)

Living in an area where I don't see Trump 2024 signs, blue-line cop stuff, and Confederate flags every four feet would be nice too, but that's a longer-term goal.

#pride ask game #thank you kya! #accidentallyadorable #long post

[askanaroace]

Hello! I feel nervous for some reason, but I’ve had questions and wanted to ask someone who was aro/ace for (hopefully) some answers. (Also, sorry that this is super long!) I’ve been aro/ace questioning for a little bit now, more so on the aro side, but I still feel a bit unsure of whether or not to truly consider myself ace. The thought of having sex with literally anyone kind of just makes me uncomfy and I didn’t realize that people actually had thoughts about having sex with someone they liked or found attractive? I feel more sure of being ace because of these things, but there’s still some doubt. I also do have a sex drive, but it’s not usually very strong and typically comes in waves, but it’s never driven or triggered by anyone. As for the aro difficulties, I would really like to date someone or do things couples do (minus the sex), but whenever it comes down to actually dating someone I’m talking to, it’s like my brain shuts off the “I like you” feelings and I get nervous at the thought of dating them? I end up feeling terrible in the end since I feel like we don’t like each other the same way. I always just thought I had really bad commitment issues, but maybe I’m kind of aro? When I think of being in a relationship, it’s like I just want to be really good friends with someone that shares similar qualities to that of a couple that’s dating, but the thought of actually dating sounds weird. I don’t think I’m demiromantic, because I’ve had romantic(? Maybe aesthetic?) attraction to people I haven’t known for too long either. The reason why I’m still unsure of both of them though is because I feel like I need to experience it to know whether or not I am aro/ace, but the thought of doing so feels foreign and scary because I’ve heard so many bad stories from friends. When I questioned these things to some people who are closer to me as well, it kind of just felt like they were telling me I need to wait for the right person to experience these feelings? And I know they mean no harm, but it just made me feel more like,, maybe I was in the wrong for how I felt??? Idk anyone around me who is aro/ace, but I do have friends who are lgbt+, but it kind of felt like they were telling me the same thing tbh... I know it’s not easy to ask someone to understand what you’re feeling when they might not know how or what it is you’re feeling, so that’s another reason as to why I’ve been wanting to ask someone who is aro/ace about my questions hfjshf

Here's what you need to do to be aromantic/asexual:

Identify as aromantic/asexual

Here's a random variety of things you do not need to do to be aromantic/asexual:

Be a certain age

Have certain experiences

Tried dating/sex

Know for sure that you're aro/ace

Prove your identity in a court of law

Prove your identity to your friends/family

Prove your identity to anyone

Pass a test

Get diagnosed as aro/ace

Have no questions or doubts about being aro/ace

Get certified as aro/ace

Fit a stereotype

Get permission to identify as aro/ace

Wait a certain amount of time

Identity is not about knowing for absolute sure. The labels we've created are just for sake of ease in communication. That's it. You get to pick your labels based on whatever criteria you have. Being curious about a label is a good enough reason to use it. Wanting to use a label is a good enough reason to use it. No one has a right to argue with you over your own feelings or the oversimplified words you use to describe those feelings.

Based on your feelings, I can certainly see what drew you to aromanticism and asexuality.

So what do you think, OP? Do you want to identify as aromantic/asexual? :)

#aromantic #asexual #questioning #aro #ace #aroace #aro valentine's treat #ask #anonymous #cleaning out old asks

[rosesradio]

Hey, do you mind if I ask you about your gender identity? Like how you came across it...just trying to figure out my pronouns. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, though

hey...this is perfectly fine, don't worry about it <3

to be honest, anon, i'm not that confident about my gender identity. i don't even like thinking about it. gender identity is a big term and it feels very official, in a way.

the way i think about it is this: it's not your gender identity if you don't want it to be. your pronouns are just words you want to be called. you can try them out with friends if you want, or just try thinking about yourself in third person:

"I talked to anon today, she/he/they is/are great!"

or you can try out neopronouns, like xe/xem, ze/hir, ey/em, etc. admittedly i don't know a whole lot about neopronouns, so i'm probably not fit to elaborate on that :') but they're there if you want to try them out

if you have multiple pronouns you want to use, that's great too, though in your bio i would put them in the order you want prioritized. like "she/they" if you want to use "she" more often, or "they/she" for vice versa. i used "she/they" at one time (i don't mind saying i'm afab), but then i realized that if people referred to me, i didn't want them using "she" at all, it just didn't fit. so i switched to fully "they/them". admittedly i feel a bit of attachment to the female gender if that makes sense, but i don't want to be called she or a girl unless i'm joking on occasion

(i remember at 15 i asked my friends to refer to me with "they/them"...but they kept forgetting (they had good intentions though, promise) so i just kinda...suppressed it :') )

but yk, just because i use they and them doesn't mean i want to be referred to as non-binary. i know that sounds weird, but the word just seems official. when people ask, i'd probably just send them the same noel crying video as linked above. non-binary, gender identity, afab...all of these words are relatively new to me, and admittedly i get a little squeamish when applying them to myself, so i just...don't, typically. but there's also nothing wrong with using the labels you want to use (for example, bi and asexual feel comfortable for me)

you didn't say anything about names, but i'll say this...i know i have a feminine-sounding name, but it's not really to me, and so what if it is? i feel like a lot of what i've seen from people in the community is separating as much as possible from your assigned gender. and yes, if you're trans mtf/ftm that may be a goal to consider, but like i said earlier, to me it's about what you want to be called. for some enby people, it may be about being as androgynous as possible, but for others, they may be perceived as entirely feminine/masculine while simply using they/them or other pronouns.

(for me personally i have my fem/masc days...or mostly days in comfy clothes lol...but i just always want to use they and them)

to be honest, anon, one of the reasons i don't feel 100% confident in talking about my gender identity is because it's hard to feel confident...when you don't feel like a valid part of the community. i've admitted in past posts about coming from a conservative background, how i was homophobic, bigoted, and ignorant. even after i started to accept the lgb community in late middle school/early hs, i was slow on the uptake of the trans community until (the hypocrite i am) i started to question my own identity. things i've said and done in the past do not reflect who i am now, but even so. i'm reluctant to talk about it because it reminds me of moments when, even in good intentions, i was a bad person. and i really hoped i helped you today because i want to do whatever it takes to be a good person.

this was...a lot. but don't worry, this reached out to me and i answered because i wanted to. if you ever have anything else you need help with (jesus, talk to someone more qualified lol) you can come to me <3

#getting watery eyes a little thinking about my super sexy dark past 😩 #but yeah this is probably the only thing i'm saying on that. probably should have just-- #--replied with the noel crying video and shut up lol #anyways anon thank you for coming to me with this and thinking i'm qualified lol. i really do appreciate it #um #nonbinary #lgbt #rose’s asks #not tkk

[fictionfixations]

jon and ace thoughts (i go off topic)

talk about NSFW seggs. its only mentions, thoughts.. okay. this is a really weird thought but its been plaguing me for awhile

and so like.. considering Jon's asexual, if they (Jon and Martin) ever did the thing, I'd think they'd take over the "Laughter During Sex" tag.

ive had this stuck in my brain for a LONg time. cause so like. cause people can not be interested in it themselves but say, like to make their partner feel good, or enjoy the emotional closeness of it? or maybe even not be interested in it themselves, or have a desire to, but willing to do it for their partner (okay that sounds wrong. but like. neutral i mean. not actively pursuing it, but arent repulsed by it either i mean, and thus wouldnt mind doing it for their partner, which id assume would still stick under ace spectrum?) this has been haunting me for awhile. i just needed to get this out here. its just some cute fluffy idea that's probably more them just acting normal, talking, yet the moment is a lot more intimate and close and lovey-dovey. dude they dont even have to move or anything like that, they could just sit (oh my god my sleep deprived brain said 'shit there' HAHA) there and be entirely content in each others arms, and itd be the cutest thing ever and 100% relationship goals but also in the event i ever desire to write this (doubtful because i generally dont write tooth-rotting fluff unless i have like an inspiration like that). i wont because i am terrified of doing a bad interpretation and that asexual doesnt even work that way in which.. yeah probably. i mean its probably best not to gatekeep or whatever and thats probably what im making it out to be but also like.. idk im just scared of being judged ig like 'nO THATS WRONG YOU IDIOT YOU BUFFOON YOU UTTER DUMBASS'

so im.. probably gonna leave. nsfw and jon far far away apart. because i mean i know you could just.. not make him ace. but like. ..no. that feels as cheap as turning characters trans just so they can have like straight sex. which theres nothing wrong with that in general because i mean 1. representation. 2. doing what makes you feel comfortable (like.. i mean id imagine if you had no idea how seggs worked youd have to ask a friend or something. and that gets awkward fast and thus its more comfy to just have what youre used to?) and etc etc but also haha it gets sexualized. so i perfectly understand that how some trans ppl might not be okay with that, just the same could be said for ace. i mean, there are two sides of a spectrum. for fucks sake im on the aromantic spectrum, it doesnt necessarily mean i dont feel any romantic attraction, but it still counts as on the spectrum, and therefore jon could be anywhere on that spectrum. he could be repulsed by seggs and find it gross or something, he could not have any desire to do so but doesnt have an opinion, he could not desire to do so but willling to do it with a partner, he could just enjoy making his partner feel good, he might just like fantasizing about it but hating it in practice, idfk theres a lot of different labels that nobody will know about, thats how it works, and things can vary a lot. and for obvious reasons no official source is gonna say what kind jon might be, its not even their business, which gives people a lot of creative liberty if they want to do anything with it. im just worried someone out there might have this stereotypical thought of what ace ppl are like and wrongly defending them, or maybe that the ppl themselves are uncomfortable with it or something like that. and i mean i cant speak for them, and heck maybe ill find out im on the ace spectrum who knows, but i still wouldnt be able to speak for them because i as a person, know i can feel and have romantic and sexual attraction, and that can be very different for people who dont have those same feelings or those who have no interest in it whatsoever. thus. to simplify it. my interpretation of ace jon is where he doesn't have any interest in it himself (or maybe he would be repulsed), but wouldnt mind doing it to make his partner feel good (there doesn't even have to be any penetration whatsoever), to do it for his partner, or to just enjoy the emotional closeness of it.

but im also kinda terrified im in the wrong here and this is a false interpretation thats not ace at all. so. yeah. just getting these thoughts out here.

#tma jon #jonathan sims #thoughts #writing ideas #acespec #asexual #asexuality #aspec #off topic

[bunny-hoodlum]

Asynchronous With You: Ch 5

ship: naruhina

rating: teen (maybe mature later)

tags: Modern Day AU, Foster Siblings, Family, Angst, Unrequited Love, Poor Communication/Noncommunication, Found Family

summary: An awkward journey full of self-denial and missed moments between two foster siblings. Perhaps their love will find the right timing someday.

Neji met them outside the dorm gates. As generous as his dorm-mate Lee was, he couldn't ask him to step out for their sake.

They followed Neji to a nearby linear park that segregated the school grounds from the business park on the other side. It felt like a glass-less greenhouse, with polished granite beneath their feet and a vine-carpeted roof overhead. The benches were slabs of granite, as were the other fixtures, like an orb fountain in the center, with flawless skin of water running over its surface. The full trees muffled the night, with its crickets and distant chugging cars. The gentle, steady trickle contrasted against their footsteps, like two off-tempo drums and hers a mournful castanet.

Now that they were finally here, she was beginning to lose her nerve, she was forgetting what she had to complain about.

All that mattered was that she was healthy, right? All that mattered was that they were actually taking good care of her.

But the last thing she said to her, telling her to go home, saying that at least one of them should be loved by their parents, it began to eat at Hinata.

Could it be that she doesn't have any love to come home to?

Like resonance, her soul trembled and her ribs ached. The heel of her palm pressed against the skin between her wet eyes.

"I've become like them. I messed up."

The bench caught her before she could sink down to the ground.

"What're you talking about?" came Naruto's voice, barely reaching her ears.

"You mean Aunt and Uncle?"

Hinata nodded.

"What??" Naruto smacked his forehead rather hard. "How were you supposed to act?! They knew where you were! Nothing was stopping them from taking you guys back--"

"We don't know that." Hinata argued.

"Bullshit!"

"We don't," Her shoulders lifted, turning rigid. "They could barely take care of the two of us. It would've been the same if they had to take care of two daughters--"

"What about visits? What's so hard about keeping in touch?!"

She stayed silent. It wasn't that she hadn't considered that, it was that it was too upsetting to ruminate on any deeper.

"Ten years, Hinata. They had to have lied to her, right? Raised her believing she was an only child? C'mon, why aren't you angrier about this?!"

She wasn't sure if it was defiance that lifted her chin, but the eyes she chose to meet were Neji's as she implored him join in.

His eyes closed as he released a pensive sigh. "What's she like?"

"Don't change the subject," Naruto snapped. "Hinata needs to vent."

She prodded Neji with her stare. He shook his head.

"Who are you talking about?" Neji punctuated his rhetoric with a sidelong glance, causing Naruto to bristle. "This Hinata?"

"Yeah, this Hinata. Our Hinata. What the fuck, we've shared the same home for ten years! Hinata! You vent! You vented the other month about your-your shirt!" His face reddened as he brought up, perhaps, the worst example he possibly could.

"I was in a weird mood," Hinata said quickly, giving Naruto whiplash.

"A--A 'weird' mood?! What, like you just felt like messing with me kind of 'weird'??"

Hinata lamely shrugged her shoulders before curling in on herself like an armadillo. She could only imagine how exponential his irritation was to increase. She should've answered Neji's question right away instead of trying to convey her complaints to Neji, because now they were getting way off topic. Which was ironic for Naruto, who thought Neji was the one diverting attention away from her pain.

Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what the story is, and I don't think I want to know."

"Good. 'Cuz I don't want to talk about it." Naruto huffed as he crossed his arms.

Silence lapsed around them. Somehow Hinata was rather surprised their arguing managed to fizzle out on its own and so quickly. The past was almost laughable in how different it was from the present.

'That's right. It's always going to be rocky at first, but it takes time to get used to one another.' This was proof that she and Hanabi could grow into sisters no matter how much time had been lost.

"Her name's Hanabi. Her favorite foods are bananas and milk, and she hates the herb mitsuba. She's cheerful, cheeky, and surprisingly athletic. And... I really want to get to know her better." The tears fell swifter and harder on her lap as she re-conjured the heartbroken betrayal she had put on Hanabi's face.

She really hoped it wasn't too late.

Neji joined her side and rubbed her back, while Naruto kept his distance.

Even though he had been given Neji's explicit blessing years before, somehow it didn't feel appropriate for him to console her too.

Looking at them now, it was like those two had never grown apart, not even a centimeter. And they had been communicating with their eyes, he was sure of it. Speaking around him, because he wasn't actually a part of this.

They're what real siblings look like.

________________________

Taking the midnight train back home, Naruto spent the next thirty minutes absorbed in the things that amused him, from sexy two-minute shorts, to prank compilations and this one guy from Kaminari that totally bites at rapping. Absolutely no one, neither he nor his 745k followers know if he's a comedy channel where he's bad on purpose, or if he's just gotten popular for all the wrong reasons, but watching him never fails to inspire a deep gut-laugh from Naruto.

Because he wouldn't be laughing this hard if something was bothering him, especially not a whole host of somethings.

He ignored how arriving at their station didn't feel quite right, how following Hinata didn't feel normal.

He was surprised when she finally started talking to him, yet the weariness her voice instilled was not lost on him.

"Who was the first girl you liked?"

"Hm? Oh, guess that'd be Sakura-chan."

"I see. And how old were you when you knew?"

"Eight, I guess?"

"Eight," The number floated from her mouth in an amazed whisper, "Do you think somebody already likes Hanabi-chan?"

A blond brow perked up. "Is this that protective Onee-san instinct kicking in already?" When she giggled, his heart sank.

"I suppose it is."

And when the silence closed in on him again, he spoke up to keep it going. "Uh, what about you?"

Her steps faltered for a second, then picked up with an exaggerated bounce. "There's someone."

"Still? Like, ongoing?"

"Mmhm."

Naruto blinked rapidly, whiplash striking again. How? How did he not know his sister liked someone? "Since when?"

"Mmmm," She hummed that note a little too long that bordered on mocking him, and he was about to storm on ahead of her, until she said, "Third grade."

"What?!" Ineloquent as that was, he somehow expected her to answer him. He stood there as she traipsed away, waiting until he was finally fed up. "Well, who the fuck is it?!"

"Guess."

He jogged after her. "Kiba?" His mouth soured at the thought.

She crossed her forearms into an 'X', making the buzzer sound in game shows when the contestant got the answer wrong. "Bubuu."

"Shino?" He didn't know what to think about that if it were true. Guess they were both quiet and smart and a little weird. Is that what compatibility looks like?

"Bubuu," she went again.

What other guys was she in contact with?

Shikamaru was a good friend who came over to game sometimes, but he definitely didn't sense anything there. No, no way it could be him. And everyone was pretty sure Sai was asexual.

"Sasuke?" Why not? He was the school heartthrob nine years running. Didn't matter whether Naruto understood the taste of girls or not, they all wanted him. He kinda wishes he noticed sooner now, because he imagining a plain girl like her pining for someone unreachable and he really hates that for her. When she slows to a stop under the streetlamp, he thinks he's finally figured it out, though the truth ended up being really anticlimactic in the end.

She half-turns towards him, her face blank save for the edge of distaste clinging to the corners of her lips and eyes.

"Gross."

He reeled back. "Gross? Whaddya mean gross?" She continued on her way, forcing him to jog after her. "Hey, I can't believe you think he's gross! Are you just being a contrarian?" Her pace picked up faster. "Y'know, like what unpopular girls do when they can't fit in?"And faster. "You really think he's gross?" She was hurrying on ahead and he was trying to catch a glimpse of her face, just a little bit of veracity. "Hinata?!"

They arrived at the steps of their apartment.

"You have until graduation to guess!" She called over her shoulder as she ran ahead, her voice pitching high at the end.

She was upset.

Her footsteps resounded through the corridors like frantic clapping, but he wasn't being congratulated at all.

It was finally apparent to him that he hasn't paid attention to Hinata in a long, long time. That's why Neji was making fun of him.

He took the elevator to their apartment, and when he reached the hole between their bedrooms, he got down on both knees and crouched his spine. They haven't used this in years, he couldn't believe how small they used to be, this hole had to be over three feet from the floor. It was making his back hurt. "Hinata," He bit his tongue with a pause. "What happens if I can't guess by graduation?" Nothing. Just silence. "Hinata? Are you not going to talk to me anymore?"

"Yeah," If a ghost could croak, that's what it sounded like. "If you can't guess by graduation, I'm not going to talk to you anymore."

He palmed the wall as he drew to full height, then stepped away, neither urgency nor insult registering in his chest. He didn't know what was in there. Maybe nothing. He raised his voice a little, just enough so that she could hear.

"I'm going to take this another weird mood of yours, okay? There's no way you really mean that."

Hovering for half a second more, he didn't give her time to respond as he headed for his bed on the opposite side of the room.

Maybe Sakura had the right idea about family. Maybe it's better to just find your own.

________________________

AN: Lel, I totally forgot to add the summary and ratings thing in the last chapter. 😜😅 Hope you liked this one!

#asynchronous with you fanfiction #naruhina #naruhina fanfiction #naruto x hinata #chapter 5 #modern au

[helisol]

dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,, 

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi! 

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second. 

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose. 

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right? 

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer.  and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right? 

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo. 

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person. 

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me”  for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo. 

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

#the SOUND of my HEAD hitting my DESK with TERMINAL VELOCITY #quodo #star trek

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So I’ve always considered myself to be a bisexual because I’m equally excited at the prospect of having a male, female or nb partner but recently I’ve been wondering if I’m actually an asexual instead. In general, I find it weird to fantasise about having sex with real people (people I know or celebs) because it feels wrong to use real people’s bodies like that, and makes me feel like I’m sexually harassing the person and makes me feel really guilty. When I masturbate, I usually tend to think of fictional characters because it just feels easier, because they aren’t real and don’t have lives or feelings of their own. Recently, I read that only being able to think of fictional people in a sexual capacity is potentially a sign of asexuality because you’re thinking of something unattainable so it’s not real. (Sort of in a comphet way where lesbians may find themselves attracted to a male character). I was comfortable identifying as a bisexual despite being a virgin because the idea of being with any gender excited me, but now I’m kinda worried that it was just compulsory-allosexuality and I’m being dishonest by identifying as a bisexual. Do you have any advice on how to come to terms with this issue?

I don't wanna dismiss the possibility that you could be in the ace spectrum. That's totally an option and doesn't mean you cannot also be bi. Like... just take our mod Tiger for example who is aro/ace and bi all at once. It's possible.

But since the reasons you mention for not being comfortable imagining sex with "real" people are all along the lines of sexual same and guilt it might also be that you are very much allosexual but "just" have internalised a lot of sex negativity and sexual guilt. I've seen this (ice cold) discourse take on Tumblr before that masturbating to the thought of another person would "violate consent" but that's bullshit. You aren't even "using their body" or "harassing them", as you've said it. Harassment is actually physically or verbally assaulting someone, like rude comments or touching a person without permission. But it's totally normal and common to have sexual fantasies about real people and by doing so you are not harming anyone. They cannot read your thoughts. You thinking of someone while masturbating has zero consequences and unless you tell them about it they will be none the wiser. Fantasies are a healthy and very much morally acceptable way to explore your sexuality. Most people have sexual fantasies and I'd guess the majority of those people at least sometimes fantasize about someone they know or a celebrity. It doesn't hurt anyone because it's all just in your head and you do not need to get consent for having a thought. Even a sexual thought. Sexual thoughts are not inherently anything worse or more powerful or harmful or whatever than any other thing you might think about during the day.

So... are you ace spec? Or is it bottled up sexual shame? Or maybe both? I don't know but I would definitly recommend exploring both directions, maybe get some asexual input but also try a more sex-positive approach and read up on that - even if you end up identifying as asexual, it can't hurt to also try and lessen that guilty feeling you have surrounding masturbation and fantasies. Of course it's fine to just imagine fictional characters if you like that but if you would actually like thinking of a real person sometimes and/or your mind just wanders there, then you should be able to enjoy that and be cool with it without feeling guilt or shame, because there isn't anything wrong or bad about it.

Maddie

[jamiedc-they-them]

Being Otis’ sibling would include:

AN// Spoilers for whole show. Also, sorry, this one I kind of ran with? Hope you like it :))

 You are a bit on the socially awkward side like your brother.

However, you’re more of an introvert; you let the world go around you and be a background extra rather than be a main in it’s story.

You’re more closed off, more defensive than your brother.

Your opposite on a lot of things, but balance each other out.

Your creative, he’s more academic

It’s mainly just the two of you and Eric. Best pals.

You, like him, are knowledgeable on sex, from your mother, even if you aren’t into that (the sex part or the other part)

Your mother always could tell with you, and assured you there was nothing wrong with it:

“Y/N, darling, you know there is nothing wrong with not wanting those type of relationships, right?”

“…Thanks, mum.”

Although it isn’t spoken, you both hold resentment for your father.

When Otis is picked as Adam’s partner, he gives you a panicked look. You, however, shrug; what can you do?

You are paired with Maeve, which is something that does annoy your brother:

“Trade?” He asks

“What? No. I’m not trading Maeve for Adam.”

“Y/N.” He pleads in a whining tune.

“Sorry, mate. Good luck though.” You wish him, leaving to follow Maeve.

For some reason, she gets the idea she can trust you and allows you to go to her house, knowing that Adam and Otis will not be a good pairing.

“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you, got it?” Part of her is kind of silently laughing at your scared face. You are quick to assure her this secret stays with you, to the grave.

As you talk, and do find out you have a few things in common.

Of course, you both don’t tell each other everything. But you get a decent reading on each other.

She can tell that, compared to your brother, you’re holding a lot more in.

“How is it?” She asks

“How’s what?”

“Being siblings with him?”

“Otis?” She nods

“It’s nice, knowing you have someone that kind having your back, you know? You can cock up horribly and he’ll still be there. He’s loyal.” You answer.

She considers it, “Not many of those people left.”

“Not as many as I’d like.”

Fair to be said, when you come in happy, and actually almost getting along with Maeve, Otis isn’t the most happy about this.

When the news about your mum comes out, you and him both storm out.

That leads to an argument;

“Why couldn’t we swap?” He asks

“You think it would’ve fixed anything?”

“I don’t know?! Just…”

Maeve is quick to stop your arguing, she knows how bad sibling arguments can get.

When it comes to Adam, you and your brother play rock, paper, scissors to see who it’ll be.

You win, doing the nerdy fist pump as he has to do it.

You see Maeve roll her eyes at your antics.

So, with Maeve bringing in clients, Otis doing the talking, and you doing the PR (in a way) the clinic is born.

However, there is a point of contention between you and your brother; Maeve.

He see’s that you both are genuine friends, with you going out more and more at night.

“Where have you been?” He asks you, whenever you come in (after your mum has asked you of course. Your honest with her)

“To see a mate.”

“What mate?”

“I have other friends, Otis.”

“I know, Y/N. It’s just –”

“You think I’m,” Cough, “Doing…that, with Maeve, don’t you?”

“Wha—No?!”

“It’s ok, Otis. I get that you like her and all. But, just to assure you, no, we’re not together. We are just genuinely friends.”

“Oh…right.”

He seems happy for you, but you can tell there is a bit of jealousy.

However, you don’t hold it against him. You understand that he has feelings for Maeve, and do support him with it.

However, Maeve can read you well, so you try and be careful when you bring up your brother.

When the party at Aimee’s happens, you try and drum up business as well.

You get split up from the group, desperately escaping to the outside, only to see your mother outside:

“Mum?”

“Oh, Y/N, darling, hello.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, just in the area.”

“…You were spying on us, weren’t you?” You accuse her.

“I – yes, darling, I was. I’ve already had this talk with your brother.”

Being in a house of constant sex therapy, and being the way you are (asexual, aromantic) can be a bit of a contradiction of times.

For example, when Otis has his wet dream, the topic does make you a bit uncomfortable.

Maeve calls you, asking you tom meet her. She tells you a time and tells you to get there on-time.

And you do, you go to the clinic just as she goes into the room. You get yelled at by the protesters, but you walk it off.

“Don’t you care about the poor child living in there?”

“At this stage? To be honest, more about the woman.” You’re honest, but not horrible to them about it.

You come in your casual clothes, just sit there and wait.

Otis joins you, flowers in hand and wearing a suit.

“Oh, bloody hell, you thought it was a date, didn’t you?”

“…Maybe.”

“Classy first date.”

“Piss off.”

When Maeve comes out, you both great her and walk with her.

She texts you later: Maybe your brother is not so bad, after all.

Otis comes to you about the whole Jackson thing:

“I can sabotage him.”

“Seriously?”

“Of course I am, Y/N. I need your help –”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m not the talking guy, you are.”

“Yeah, but your more convincing.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“I’ll give you the money he’s given to me and that I can’t seem to bloody lose.”

“But I thought you wanted to give –”

“I can’t lose it, Y/N! I’d rather not stare at it.”

“Then don’t?”

“Take it?”

“No, you take it.”

However, you do see how it ends, and do feel for your brother.

As much as you may not have supported his methods, you could see why he did it.

You both find out what happens to Eric, and both take the blame for it.

“Seriously, Y/N, you too? You’d rather pick this girl you’ve known for a few weeks at best over me?”

“It’s not like that –”

“Then what is it like?!” Words are exchanged, and he leaves.

However, then you meet Ola and Jakob.

Ola’s nice; friendly, sincere. You like her.

“So, you’re Y/N.” She says as a greeting, shaking your hand.

“That is I, madam.” She laughs at it.

You become good friends fairly quicky. But, she respects your boundaries about the past.

You see how close your mum is getting to Jakob, and it just doesn’t sit right with you.

So, you call Maeve. She’s quick to answer:

“Pisshead?”

“Hey, uh – can…can we talk?” She detects the tremble in your voice.

“Where are you? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t really tell you over the phone.” You tell her to meet you at the bridge.

She meets you there quite quickly:

“You want to tell me what’s going on?”

You take a breath to collect yourself, “My mum’s met this new guy…” So, you tell her about how your mother seeing someone new feels off to you. And you confess to her that you don’t know what the fuck is going on with Otis and Ola. She just lets you ramble the whole time.

At the end, she grabs your hands in hers, “Have you told Otis any of this?” She asks, softly.

“…No. No, not yet, anyway. He’s got his own issues and –”

“You have needs too, Y/N. You can’t go running around for him, forever. He’s your brother, a good one, he’ll listen. But…I’m here too.” She vows.

“Maybe he can give me a freebee on a session?” You joking say.

“Yeah, have to pay, of course, but I can slide you in for a meeting.” She fired back in the same manner.

“Thanks, Maeve.”

She hugs you, not saying anything.

Then the dance comes around.

Starts off well enough, you say hi to all your friends.

You and Otis both make up with Eric. It’s nice to have your best mates back.

Then you both save Liam, both convincing him not to jump.

You, however, see that Maeve looks at your brother differently. You always hated that “friends don’t look at each other like that” bollocks. But, you see that she has it read all over her face as well.

Then Jackson talks about what Otis did.

You get out just at the end of their confrontation, and Maeve turns to you in anger:

“Did you know?”

“Maeve –”

“Did you know?”

You go to speak, but Otis speaks for you;

“Y/N had nothing to do with it. It was just me, Maeve.”

She just looks at you, waiting and watching for something to confirm the words are a lie.

However, when she see’s that nothing has happened, she accepts it and storms off.

Now you’re in an awkward situation; between your brother and a close friend of yours.

Both parties don’t want you to be forced to choose, so they leave you out of it.

However, there is a bonding moment with you and your brother; mainly learning about the book your mother was written on you both. Well, more Otis, but there is a chapter on you.

That’s when it all just explodes:

“You can’t just do that, mum!”

“Can’t do what, darling?”

“Can’t just – can’t just put our entire lives in that bloody book! You gonna mention dad? You gonna mention how you make your other child feel uncomfortable with all the sex talk? How the world wants them to conform to some fucking normality, but they can’t because they just don’t feel that way?”

Your mother can do nothing but watch as you breakdown in front of her, how it all comes bubbling to the surface.

Time goes on, however. And you start going to therapy sessions in school.

Maeve contacts you every so often, but you don’t really reply too much.

Your brother and Ola help you as much as they can, helping you get up in the mornings and including you if they go out for something.

Ola and you become closer friends as well, despite the weirdness of your mum dating her dad.

You bring that up to your therapist a lot.

The two (especially Otis) support you during this time. They encourage the therapy and talking to them when needed.

When school restarts, Otis keeps a close eye on you, knowing that you burned yourself out last time, and he won’t let it happen again.

When Maeve comes back, he makes sure to point it out, hoping that can help in some way:

“You seen Maeve’s back?” He asks, as he gets some books from his locker.

“Sure.” You answer, almost apathetically.

Eric sits with you on breaks and when Otis can’t be there, doing what he can.

Otis ignores the tension between himself and Maeve when he pulls her aside one day:

“You have English next with Y/N, right?” He asks her.

“Yeah.” She answers, already being able to tell where this is going.

“Can you –”

“Of course I’m going to keep an eye on him.” She finishes for him (ha)

And she lives up to that promise, doing just that as you write some things down whilst not listening.

When the teacher gets pissy at you, she stands up for you:

“Sir, Y/N is going through something, lay off.”

Otis thanks her for that after the lesson

Then you are off on the trip with your father Remi

You both find out the real reason for the trip. That he was using it as a way to get away from a newly broken up relationship and to find another.

Then comes the party.

You, in your state that has (sadly) been declining, drink till your hearts content. Eric and Rahim try to warn you, but you keep going.

You brother also spirals. Although, out of the two, you are way more wasted.

Ola arrives, and she is pissed. You haven’t exactly been keeping up with affairs.

You vomit in the sink, with your brother drunkenly trying to help you by patting your back, but he only ends up falling over.

It’s Eric who helps you.

Then he does his speech; in it, he includes you as he rambles (apparently being “on a roll”)

“And then there’s my sibling, Y/N. They’ve been struggling for a while, guys, and has anyone noticed? No, but I have, because I’m a good brother. So, even if I can’t have those two (Maeve and Ola) than at least I have, Y/N.”

The next day, before leaving with Ruby, he remembers parts of what he said, but to him it’s a blur:

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

“So, what? I’m just a second fiddle to them?”

“No, of course not. You’re my sibling, Y/N. That comes before anything. I was drunk, and pissed at them. I didn’t mean to leave you out or make you feel that way.”

The day out with Ruby actually helps your bond repair, as you both go back to old times; doing the weirdest shit together. In this case, helping a girl Otis had sex with.

Still, Ruby comes around to liking the two of you.

You both go to your father, united as one.

You both confront him on the pain he’s brought you, and how it hurt you both and how you both carried a part of the blame.

He’s quick to try to dissuade you, but you both move on.

However, you see that your brother has a revelation. He calls Maeve to explain it.

Then, he goes with you to therapy.

Despite it all, despite the things you could and do say to each other. Despite the way you both are different in many ways, you’ll always come back home.

You both care about each other. You’ve been through a lot.

You have each other. And, sometimes, that’s enough.

#otis milburn imagine #otis milburn headcannon #sex education headcannon

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

What's a common thread between ADHD and the asexuality spectrum? The answer might surprise you.

A while back, an ADHD user said in response to my question, “how did mindfulness exercises go?” a single word, “dissociation.”

It was only long after I had replied, that I had to remind myself that people think of dissociation as a scary thing.

I had to remind myself that a psychotherapist I once knew was pretty unorthodox, and gave me perspective on the matter that defused all the mysteriousness and internalized socialized discomfort surrounding it, which is ultimately rooted in both fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, and maybe a little bit of stigma, too.

Naturally, I do not talk about these sorts of things with general people IRL, so newly having a ‘conversation’ online about it did not jostle my awareness of others’ attitudes like it probably should have.

Things like anxiety and ADHD are, let’s say, more “ordinary” neurodivergences. (remember, the word applies to ALL mental illnesses, also, not just traits. Many don't consider most cases of ADHD an 'illness,' nor a lot of presentations of autism)

Those are more "ordinary." They don’t mash that “this is weird” button, so much as simply “this is very unpleasant.”

But dissociation can be the former, and not the latter.

Let me back up and explain that a bit.

People see dissociation as undesirable.

But why is it, you should ask.

Leave aside questions of physical safety. I’m just talking about sitting down somewhere, and there is no risk to you.

In the typical view, it’s not just another operation the brain can do, or an altered mind state, as we discussed it, rather, it is somehow considered a “bad” outcome.

When, ironically, for many forms of mind training, which we’ll put under the umbrella term “meditation” for simplicity’s sake, the end goal is a type of on-command dissociative state.

Whether you are internalizing your attention, externalizing your attention, or just trying to get that danged mind chatter to shut up for once and give you some peace, whichever way you are sliding along that scale, there is always the route open to you to pursue this ultimate peace.

So this person, who was trying out mindfulness?

Think, if you switched all the aircraft cockpit switches to check if everything was lighting up correctly. But instead of being an experienced pilot, you had no idea what would happen once you started testing everything out.

Accidentally withdrawing your physical senses, and seeming to distance your “self” from your body, which experienced practitioners do without batting an eye, (pun intended) would seem like a dysfunction rather than a built-in feature.

Quieting those areas of the brain dedicated to sense perception is quite a lovely experience, when you are educated on it, do it on purpose, and expect it.

Whereas anxiety is almost never a positive experience, unless it’s not really overwhelming or potent, and you’ve 'reframed' it such that it’s exciting, like any other adrenaline junkie bender.

The milder forms of dissociation, termed depersonalization or derealization, that seem to be quite common among asexual people, are also often considered as a negative thing, instead of just the current, value-neutral state of mind, which is trainable.

A much more common and even milder form happens when we sink into routine. Ever had a stretch of weeks on a job where you look back and you feel like you were sort of “automated”? Like you weren’t really present? You’re somehow a little surprised that that much time has passed?

That “time dilation,” accompanied also sometimes by a distorted sense of chronological sequence happens a lot with ADHD people, regardless of circumstances, but most everyone in the populace has experienced it at some point, barring perhaps the super privileged who have never been forced into a literally “mind numbing” job.

Maybe you’ve also experienced the sensation where you get into a car, perhaps when you’re on a familiar route you’ve driven a thousand times, or especially on long road trips, and you seem to zone out and lose time.

The brain is pretty good at conserving energy.

This is what she tells her patients, to calm their sympathetic nervous system. It circumvents that distress, that health-sapping stress response to this ultimately harmless “weird” experience, vastly improving their quality of life:

Dissociation is a continuum- many forms of it are common. Not some super strange thing corralled in a small corner of the sum total of human experience.

“Reframing” these things is essential to attaining incrementally improved mental health.

Clearing away all the internalized judgement, the feelings of wrongness, etc.

Just one more step out of the norm.

Just another neurodivergence.

It is conceptualized as unnerving when it happens suddenly and sharply, though, because it is so different from “ordinary” everyday experience.

The same way one person who hasn’t been around dogs much might react to a large dog barking with fear, and another person standing next to them having the exact same experience, trained and knowledgeable in recognizing true aggression versus excitement or mild warning, would not feel threatened.

Yes, having that particular toggle out of your grasp may be annoying and to those not given this perspective, frightening. (And if other personalities are involved, that gets much more complicated!!) But, consider. One of my mentors said calmly once, that she lost time for, say, 10 or 15 minutes while sitting down quite regularly, and felt very recharged and energized afterwards. It’s not exactly like sleep, because there’s not that head nodding and relaxation of muscles. Almost instantly gone, and instantly aware again, not that feathery transition as happens when drowsing or gradually falling asleep.

I hypothesize to her that this had probably started up because she’s involuntarily dropping into a deep delta or theta brainwave state for a bit, because that’s what she does in ‘brain entrainment’ recordings. (The frequencies are very good for relaxation when you're anxious and have a hard time unwinding yourself, others are good for focus during studying, and are therefore used by ADHD people) Unless she wants to pay some big lab to measure her neuron firing frequency though, there’s no way to tell for sure. The point is, that she directly benefits from this ‘taking a break’ from thinking. She is not bothered in the least by her mind occasionally saying, ‘you know what, I’m overwhelmed right now, gonna switch off for a bit.’ When someone gives their mind this permission to pause from its worries and senses, each the internal and external input, sometimes this is the outcome. It is not a problem to her whatsoever that this toggle occasionally moves of its own accord.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

But she understands it.

People are afraid of new experiences.

But to her, it’s old hat. On an MRI, each of the parts of the brain dedicated to the senses dim. Occipital lobe for sight, temporal lobe for hearing, etc.

If I were brushed up on the neuroanatomy of this process better, I could also name the parts dedicated to internal imput that would grow dimmer as she entered that state. Heck, they study this stuff so much, when interviewing meditation practitioners and testing for stuff like blood flow changes as their attention shifts, those images probably already exist.

Dissociation is not a mysterious thing.

It serves a purpose.

It’s your brain’s ‘energy saver’ mode.

Or in some cases, ‘recharge.’

So, to the person who argued that ADHD people should be cautious about using mindfulness? I must ask again, why?

Why would you forgo the benefits? Why would they tell others to do so??

Usually the main reasons dissociation causes problems, that aforementioned therapist says, is that people are overloaded to the point where it happens not when they’re relaxed, and can daydream or drift, but randomly when there’s too much pressure in their lives.

The fear response to it is just like any other overactive fear response or phobia- with time and therapeutic work, they are all resolvable.

/////////

#this post is NOT about dissociative identity disorder #only mentioned it in passing to separate it from the discussion

#adhd #asexual #generalized anxiety disorder #mental health stigma #mental health #therapy #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #depersonalization #derealization #mindfulness #anti capitalism #time dilation #brain entrainment #delta waves #theta waves

[chaosnightmare]

i want to say before i say any of the rest of this post that this is the least hostile i could ever possibly express this i have been a part of aroace communities for years i consider myself gray aroace and sex and romance repulsion have been a part of my life for its entire duration so i truly do not think i feel this way out of ignorance but look.

i cannot continue to listen to yall base your ideas around sex and romance off of YA content and cartoons and fanfiction and i CANNOT continue to listen to yall talk about them like they're these awful dark evil cults of weirdos. sex and romance are so nuanced and beautiful and magical and fantastic. QPRs are not good because "romance so dramatic and full of games and jealousy" because that's not what romantic relationships are for a lot of people. what is this to you, a disney channel original movie. QPRs are extremely beneficial in many ways and theyre a completely legitimate form of love for other people in their own right without you trying to delegitimize romance the literal concept of romance. sexless dating isnt good because "sex is so icky and weird and uncomfy" sexless dating is good for a myriad of reasons but SEX BAD EWW is most certainly not one of them.

its not "what is wrong with allosexuals what is wrong with alloromantics are the allos okay" because theres nothing wrong with them just like theres nothing wrong with you. when i first discovered that i really am a deeply romatic and sexual person, i felt stupid for thinking that allos were like some alien other group of idiots and weirdos. theyre not theyre literally not and you don't have to oppose them to make your point. sex and romance are so rooted in many peoples queer experiences, and who would want to deny the beauty of that.

romance, now that ive seen it up close, isn't this rigid set of rules and boundaries, and it isn't an endless game of arguing, and it isnt inherently jealous or clingy, and it isn't demanding, and it isn't confusingly convoluted, and it isn't scary. romance is just another way to love somebody, but it can be freeing, comforting, adoring and passionate, lively and joyous, and very healthy. whatever negative ideas you have of it, you need to rethink. sex isn't this disgusting, odd, terrible monster. while society does have an unhealthy fixation on it, sex isn't the problem itsself, sex is just a thing you do. its just an action. at the same time, though, it can lead to undeniably gorgeous experiences that are just as alive as their initiators. sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone, when in the right circumstances. it is most definitely NOT just violent, animalistic, and selfish the VAST majority of the time. whatever negative ideas you have of it, you need to rethink.

you don't need to try and validate yourself to cishet people by expressing disgust with other queer people? its okay. you're right that being aroace is queer, youre right that it's good to be the way you are. you don't have to try so hard, you're already right. its okay. alloness isn't something to be afraid of and allo queer peoples experiences will never violate or negate yours, so you don't need to wig out about it. all the time i see people who are in the wider aroace community (my very community, once again.) express anger and hatred and disgust towards allo people seemingly for just existing as if they infringe upon you literally at all? when we spoke about aroace oppression years ago, we meant that our allosexual society is built without aroace people in mind, and that aromantic and asexual people have no natural place in it. i'm pretty sure what we didn't mean is "WOAH aren't allo people so weird and crazy?!?!". get a grip. if you're trying to make a statement, you're all doing a shit job. grow up, grow a pair, go outside, something.

(btw before anyone can even think about mentioning it yes there is and will always be a difference between injokes and genuine sentiments just the same as with like, trans and cis people. just. exercise critical thought)

#ratthink #long post #this post is basically meaningless i just wanted to say all this #i didnt really see anything that set this off i was just thinking about it in general #i probably didnt make my point very well. we'll see!!!!!

[whetstonefires]

Your post about romance was so spot on and this is from someone who really likes reading romances some of the time. I just wish there were more books where friendships (which after all make up the majority of people's relationships!!) were given the same weight and importance as romance gets unthinkingly. Like, I want books or fic which show the development of two (or more) new friends *as the plot and main part of the book*, and the same thing for the progression of pre-established friendship.

Human relationships are varied and complex and interesting and limiting writing to mainly concerning romantic or dating ones is infuriating! I enjoy reading character driven stuff, which is why I like some romances but I really want to see similarly detailed deep studies of friendship. Friendships are so important, and romantic relationships do not supersede them.  Obviously there is gendered bias against romance as a genre but that is not the only reason to be uninterested in romance damnit!

Sorry for ranting in your inbox about romance and thanks for the post

Hah thank and welcome. Very true!

Yeah, the problem is not just how ubiquitous romance is but the inevitability of it. So many people are so much in the habit of hanging their emotional investment on ‘couples getting together’ that not putting one in is a risk, as a creator, and the faint suggestion of a possibility that a romance might eventuate between two characters constitutes a promise that the audience will be outraged to see not followed through.

So making a story focus at all on a relationship between two people who are considered valid potential romantic partners means having to go through incredible backflips and contortions as a writer to get away with not pairing them up, or there will be outrage. There will be outrage anyway, but hopefully on a contained scale that doesn’t have people throwing your book away.

(The easiest way, of course, is to give one or both of them an alternate partner, but then you either have to build up that relationship as the central focus instead, because you aren’t allowed to love anyone that much and not be romantically involved or be romantically involved For Real with anyone but whoever you love most, or accept that you’ve plastered on a beard of some kind in a way that at this point makes your main duo look even more romantic to people who are looking for that in the first place, even if it lets you write a plot that doesn’t acknowledge this.)

This has contributed enormously to the cultural truism ‘men and women can’t be friends.’ They aren’t allowed to be. And this weird intense romantic pressure is now increasingly extending to same-sex friendships, and it’s like...it’s good that gay visibility and acceptance are growing! That’s great!

But it means that all relationships are increasingly exposed to this honestly fucked up set of expectations. That every single love of any intensity is romantic and probably sexual. That that’s the only love that’s real, or that really matters. With occasional exemptions carved out for parents.

And that’s cultural, I want to say. The inclusion of and an interest in the romantic lives of characters in fiction is definitely natural and practically inevitable, but the outsize role it occupies in our current media culture is abnormal and totally non-compulsory. The central role of romance in so much of narrative is just...a pattern, a narrative schema that currently holds sway, born of an assortment of historical accidents and trends, and I don’t think it’s a good one.

I think it would be better for us as a culture and all our individual relationships for that particular social construct to be broken down.

Because this cultural obsession with The Romance in media mirrors and continually recreates the obsession with The Romance in real life. You know how many people are making themselves miserable by either being in a relationship predicated on the need to have one, any one, rather than actual mutual affection, or about not having a love interest currently at any given moment?

Like, quite separately from the actual frustrated romantic feelings themselves, people feeling like they are less or failures or just...unfinished somehow, because they don’t have a romantic partner. It’s so harmful and absurd! We all know this!

And there are of course a lot of sociological factors that have led to that point as well, but it’s linked particularly closely I think to the atomization of modern society.

You’re not likely to retain any particular community for long--we move around so much over the course of our lives, anything you have is designed to be taken apart. School friends are only rarely retained after school, work friends are only until you get a new job, family is quite often something to be avoided or something you have to leave behind, and not usually an extended network anymore anyway.

We are always moving into new contexts, or knowing we might be moved, and holding onto relationships from one context into another is generally regarded as an unusual feat betokening particular, though not lionized, devotion, and leaning on these relationships ‘too much’ or pursuing them with ‘too much’ energy is regarded with deep suspicion.

This, too, is not particularly normal in the human experience. We are not psychologically designed for this level of impermanence. And we have developed very few structures as a culture thus far to make up for it, which is why the modern adult is so famously, dangerously lonely.

But we have all these social protocols for acquiring a person and holding onto them. A person who’s just yours, all yours, who it is promised will fulfill all those gaping needs all by themselves, and if they don’t it’s because you or they are wrong, and need either a different partner or fixing.

The fact that this is insane and not how romance works over 90% of the time is irrelevant to the dream of it, and the dream overwhelms and controls the reality. I agree that codependency is really fucking romantic, and having a kind and supportive mutual one is a lovely fantasy! It’s just...

A lot of harm eventuates from pursuing this fantasy in reality with a media-based conviction that it is 1) a reasonable thing to expect and 2) a necessary precondition for wellbeing and worthiness.

But we have poured so much cultural freight and need into this one single relationship format. At this point having need in any other direction is regarded as disordered and suspect and probably a misdirected application of sexual desire.

The law, too, has put a lot of energy into supporting the focus on seeking the romance as life goal, because the nuclear family is built on the codependent marriage, and capitalism likes the nuclear family very much. The nuclear family is extremely vulnerable to market pressures and bad at collective action, and tends to produce new tiny humans whose main social outlet has been within the school system, which is specifically structured to condition you to accept abusive workplace conditions as a normal precondition of existence, and not to attempt too much intimacy.

Ahem. Spiraled there. But! It’s all connected! Many of the privileges piled onto the institution of marriage were put there specifically because the nuclear family was considered desirable for the expansion of the economy. That’s clearly documented historical fact.

So yeah, the modern cultural obsession with the romance is a symptom of collective emotional disorder, and it chugs along at the expense of the more complex emotional support infrastructures most of us need and deserve.

It’s not just about me wanting representation, wanting an image in the narratives of my culture where I can see myself with the potential for happiness. Everyone needs this. We learn so much about how to be, how to relate to others, from media at this point, since the school system and other weird age-hierarchy stuff keeps us largely segregated from human society for a majority of our growing years and limits our exposure to live examples.

So the paucity of in-depth explorations of friendship, of mutual support, of widespread narrative acceptance that you can have a good life without a romance as its central support pillar, is harmful to people in general.

-

It’s funny, I get frustrated about this periodically, when a piece of media lets me down, or even when I’m following along a funny piece of meta and then the punchline is ‘and the ace character is obviously in denial about how they’re already dating their favorite person’ or whatever.

(The meta is annoying on a surface level and distressing on a deeper level because it’s a threat; so many times a good platonic relationship will buckle under public pressure and it doesn’t matter how asexual, how uninterested in romance, how emphatically platonic the affection has been established as being, The Romance arrives in the next installment of the story because it’s what people expect. Which reinforces the general perception that any other love is illegitimate, lesser, and as soon as it’s meant to be taken seriously it has to be crammed into that one valid shape, and invalidates future insistences in the same mode.

Seriously people stop doing this, we long since reached the point where a character saying in words ‘I have no romantic interest in [person]’ is perceived as a glaring neon sign that they’re destined to get together and that does not do good things for fostering a culture of consent. Obviously people are in denial sometimes but it should not be understood to be the rule.)

But I don’t get upset about it until someone starts in with reasons I’m bad and wrong for not liking these norms.

Like, whatever, media does not cater to my needs, I’ll cope, but when people start trying to get in my head and make me not only responsible for my own discomfort that I’m managing thanks but dishonest and malevolent I...get upset. There’s history there, okay.

‘You don’t care about this ship because you’re homophobic’ ‘you don’t want a love interest in the sequel because you’re racist’ ‘you don’t like romance in stories because you’re a misogynist’ fucking stop.

And occasionally it’s like ‘i guess you have the right to feel that way but how dare you talk about it where other people might hear’ which...well, is particularly common and particularly ironic in the context of people hung up on gay representation.

If we as a society had a healthy relationship with romance, there wouldn’t be negative side effects to that crowd’s pursuit of their worthy goal of applying that schema in places it has been Forbidden, but as it is we don’t, and there are.

#aromanticism #romance #society #social constructs #i throw salt #on a related note #i know The Untamed was Ambiguous because of censorship #but i was still enjoying not being able to tell dammit #you can ALWAYS tell normally #and that's so boring #people complain less about getting fake foreshadowing about who the murderer was than about not knowing who's interested in who #and who has a real shot with their target #being forced to be ambiguous was making those actors bring their A game #so i still wish i could have watched it play out without spoilers #because it's SO RARE that you can't immediately tell which way a story intends itself to be read on that front #and it was such a nice change #and i have legitimately cried several times over the loss of the joy i was getting out of that relationship not being so fucking dull #because like it's still fun and well done and stuff but it's not INTERESTING #i didn't even realize how much i was missing that until i briefly had it and it was taken away #so now i get sad a lot when i think about it #and it sucks that the forms for including romance in our media are so formalized #that the only way to get that realistic unclear coalescence of emotional energies #is by writing a romance and being forced to lie about it #a nonny mouse #ask #hoc est meum

[shades-of-grayro]

Thoughts on “queeragamic”

So, I initially wasn’t going to weigh in on this, but it seems there’s been some community conflict surrounding it. The current conversation seems a bit unproductive, and I wanted to weigh in with a more middle-of-the-road opinion to hopefully help us work towards a solution. 

To be clear, I’m only interested in good-faith efforts to listen to what others have to say, share thoughts and feelings, and look to how we can improve things moving into the future. If you’re interested in anything else, this is not the post for you.

Synopsis

Synopsis of the conflict below. Note that I’ve paraphrased a bit of it, but please read people’s own words and don’t assume that my paraphrasing is exactly how they would characterize the situation themselves.

@queerplatonicpositivity coined “queeragamic relationship” to mean “non-sexual queerplatonic relationship.” This was received negatively by alloaros, including @quiet-times [here] and @aro-allo-positivity [here], because they felt that this word was created due to not wanting to be associated with alloaros. @queerplatonicpositivity responded to the criticism here, here, and here.

Summary

I think this was handled badly on both sides.

While I believe that people have the right to use whatever words they’d like to describe their relationships, the wording of the original post coining queeragamic did have echoes of exclusionary rhetoric, and it is important to address that. However, the response trying to address this issue definitely crossed a line.

Is queeragamic harming people who have sex?

Does @queerplatonicpositivity have the right to call their relationship whatever makes them feel most comfortable? Yes. If this were framed as “I recently realized that I need a word to call my relationship that is explicitly non-sexual, and so I’ve coined a word for it” then I’d have zero issue with it. But it was framed as “I’ve just realized that people use this word for their relationships that are sexual, and that makes me uncomfortable” which echoes a lot of other exclusionary situations I’ve seen.

Here are a couple examples:

When that person tried to create a new aro flag because they didn’t like that the actual aro flag had a grey stripe that explicitly included people under the grayromantic umbrella.

I once had someone tell me that they felt excluded by the definition of asexuality that says “a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction and/or desire” simply because it includes people who identify as ace due to not feeling sexual desire, when they do feel sexual desire, but not attraction.

There’s a pattern here of feeling excluded because others are included, and your post read really similarly to these things, even though I don’t think that’s what your intention was. Not to mention the context of aces feeling uncomfortable in shared ace and aro spaces due to allo aros simply existing. 

You can’t remove yourself from this context, and the way your post is written certainly looks exclusionary. I’d consider re-writing it using a different framing. As I said before, something like “I recently realized that I need a word to call my relationship that is explicitly non-sexual, and so I’ve coined a word for it.”

On calling the criticism “hate”

Several criticisms addressed the fact that @queerplatonicpositivity called their responses “hate.” And I feel obligated to point out that “hate” can be based on legitimate criticism. What makes something hate is not the criticism necessarily being invalid (though it sometimes is), but rather the tone and method of addressing the issue. 

Sending anon messages that start with “do you hate [identity]?” is definitely hate. Using a belligerent tone might suggest that something is hate. Posting something knowing your followers are also going to send anonymous angry messages to the person is hate. Anything where your intent is to make the other person feel bad rather than understand what they did wrong is hate. 

Addressing an issue in a way that is not hate looks like:

Explaining why you feel hurt by the other person’s words with the intent of them understanding your side

Listening to how the other person feels, and trying to help them find better ways of expressing those feelings in the future

Ceding on points where the other person is right

Possibly having this conversation privately if possible.

And even if you still object to the word “hate” to describe this, I’m sure we can at least agree that it’s not a productive way of fixing the problem.

On “Oversharing”

I think the above section addresses most of my issues with the way this was handled, but I also want to address these points made by @aro-allo-positivity, in the context of listing things that are “wrong” with queeragamic:

“Needlessly gives other people private information about your sex life”

“Needlessly telling people it’s not sexual enforces the exclusionist rhetoric that aces overshare about their sex lives”

“Coiner also said something along the lines of being tired of having to explicitly state that their qpr isn’t sexual. Which like. You definitely don’t have to do.”

“Especially to people who didn’t ask.”

“How weird would it be to introduce a romantic partner to someone and then say “we don’t have sex” like………”

This is entirely inappropriate. You are not ace, and the only one reinforcing exclusionist rhetoric that aces overshare about their sex lives is you. 

Some aces are uncomfortable with people assuming that their significant relationships are sexual, and there is nothing wrong with those aces making it clear that their relationships are not sexual. Yes, there is a time and a place, but nothing about this particular situation says “wrong time or place”.

When we respond to hate, we need to make sure we’re not doing it on the aphobe’s terms, or we’re going to accidentally end up hurting people. The reason this is wrong is the same reason it’s wrong when allo aces respond to aphobes by saying “asexual doesn’t mean aromantic.” In this situation, it’s bad that aphobes conflate identifying as asexual with sharing about your sex life. It’s ALSO bad that they’re saying that it’s always wrong to share that information.

That’s the dangerous trap with responding to aphobes or when talking about stereotypes in general. Stereotypes are always bad for two reasons 1) they make a generalization, and 2) they imply that the stereotypical trait is a bad thing (it’s not, in most cases at least). A lot of people accidentally perpetuate part 2 when trying to address part 1, and I think that’s what happened to you here. 

I suggest thinking about how you wish allo aces would make amends when they do something similar, like saying “asexual doesn’t mean aromantic” in this type of context, and correct yourself the way you wish they would.

And also, calling people weird is just generally not a good thing, and if you’re about to say that in the future, I’d take a second look and make sure you’re not hurting people with what you’re going to say.

Other thoughts

I do have a few other thoughts about the word “queeragamic”. Disclaimer that in this section I am not trying to tell other people how they can label themselves, but I also just don’t like the word.

First, I just really don’t like the word itself. Like, I absolutely hate that the word makes direct references to asexual reproduction on purpose. Also, the word “queerplatonic” comes from “queering” the “platonic”, so… this doesn’t follow that format? So I’m confused as to why the prefix “queer” is there. Because “agamic” isn’t an existing social structure that you could “queer”. 

Second, I do have some concerns about reasons why people want to use a word that means “non-sexual qpr”. Sometimes people in qprs make the mistake of assuming that their partner is on the same page as them with regards to what activities they are going to do in their relationship. It’s important to talk about boundaries in relationships and make sure you’re on the same page as your partner! I’m vaguely worried that people will use this term as a replacement for actual communication - no single word will ever be able to communicate exactly what you want in a relationship, so make sure to talk about whether you want sex, hand-holding, or anything else in your partnership regardless of what you call it.

Also, genuine question: is there a reason it’s important to have a specific name for this rather than just saying “non-sexual qpr”, which is much more likely to be understood without giving a vocab lesson (where you’ll end up saying that anyway), and relatively short as well? 

#queeragamic #queerplatonic #intracommunity issues