#for my anxious folk i dont mean you. i am of your kind

[space-kittie]

Missed my bus to work, so I used the extra time to pretty myself up orz

#kitty irl #it me #my face #weirdos dni btw #you will get blocked at the speed of light #for my anxious folk i dont mean you. i am of your kind #by weirdo i mean people that are weird about women on the internet 👍🏻 #plus this excludes my mutuals. y'all be as weird as u want

[seerdiary-sun]

You know what, fuck anyone who says "disney princesses" are anti feminist.

Those "princesses" are NOT from disney. They from the anglo saxon times baby!

And yeah, back then they were a little wild and crazy but lets be real, those stories, the ones Grimms wrote down, came from house women

Yeah thats right, to women that were all suffering (probably) were like, " yeah, this busty ass rich boy gonna ask to hear the stories I tell my children, im gonna make it clear that you shouldnt mess with us"

and the Grimms (who maybe were just big nerds) were like "thats fucking amazing Im writing that shit down" but they never respected women enough to credit them so their stpries were SHIT!

Nobody wanted to read about the dissection of stories from "old wives" in clinical, scientific manner.

So people were like "naw dog, this shit STANK!" and they were poor and shit and idk what happened to them but i dont think they had a good life.

But we dont care about that.

The love that a mother has for her child can not be hidden because it is inherently so strong (not always but lets stop being childish and always thinking about how something could have been terrible, like com on. You are making everyone miserable with such unhealthy pessimism [yes there is healthy and unhealthy pessimism and optimism] and more importantly you are making yourself THE MOST miserable)

fuck what was i saying?

anyway the mothers love could not be hidden so some sorry ass decided to revive the grimm brothers with edits back to the original story.

or no fuck wait, did one of the grimm brothers do that?

well whoever did it, they got money from it and everyone was like "yaaaaaahhhh we love yooouuu yaaaaaaahhhhh!"

and it was passed down through generations because of their (the mothers) timeless lessons held the great archaic knowledge of Life TM.

and it was all by women talking to other women and creating stories together.

And THATS WHY Cinderella is a feminist classic.

Not only was it the success story of women having their story told, but it was also about women who were so kind hearted getting what they deserved and never even bothered to ask for because they were THAT NICE and so a prince stumbled in and was like "you gucci fam? do you want someone to like, talk to? Do you want someome to deeply listen to you and care about every single word you say??"while rupunzel was just j chillin being bored as f.

Cinderella got her dreams to come true by having a night to relax and enjoy the ball and herself.

She made herself a dress and everything. She even asked she was like "can i have the night off please" and her mom was like, imagine a small dog barking, she was like "nah fuck that we hate how secure you are with yourself and others. we are super jealous and insecure about how you stay kind and soft no matter what life throws at you when it's clear we havent! i mean lookat us, we ugly because we dont think we deserve to be pretty! we skanky because we dont respect/love ourselves enough to believe someone would be unconditionally loving to us without wanting anything in return! So you know how it be, we locking you up!"

and Cinderella was like " damn that sucks. you guys go to the ball, imma take time to cope in a healthy way about this, by crying so see yall" and she cried and was on the way to picking herself back up again when BAM!

Someone help her have a solo girls night out, and she was like "damn thats real nice. ill follow your rules that you set, because i am thankful for your kindness, because i know personally, like PERSONALLY, how hard it can be to be kind without getting anything in return."

So she went, bopped at a party, not really trying to disturb anyone's night be3she is so honored that she was even there, met some random himbo who was a lil ditzy, but she aint here to judge because she is secure in her own self enough to not be prejudice.

12pm hit, bitch gotta go, accidentally dropped a shoe, we apologize for that later there is no time to hang, and the prince was like-

"beautiful on the inside and out woman, dont you know im a prince who can finacially and physically support you so you dont have to?!?!?!"

and she was like " i cant fucking hear you, i feel bad that i had this time for myslf so imma run back before i get in trouble for not helping out them girls who are skanky and need help"

then the prince was SO cool he was like " aight, i checked the nobles, aint none of them was her, we got to try the common folk - because my girl is SO noble, she probably live in a sewer idk, i just dont know, she made me realize common peasants are like, cool."

when he get there

no wait.

he has to send his steward because he's going to work on rebuilding his peasant aqueduct system, in case Cinderella living in the sewer. We dont know, we dont know. this amazingly kind and great listener of a woman makes me feel alive and makes me want to be good for my common people.

so he sent his steward. his steward, bless his heart, aint seen the bitch.

so his prince man was like " i trust you, i love you, take this prized possession of mine, my only connection to my homegirl, as a symbol of my trust, and with my love for you and her, im confident you will find her.

so steward man went off with a lot of love and anxiety to please his prince boy.

shoe doesnt fit them girls, neither would that union fit.

and Cinderella was like " oh damn, thats my slipper, imma play it cool and just simply ask to try it on, so that nobody suspects that i went and had myself a good time on someone elses account.

and step ma was like "no way, imma bfeak this slipper, because i need you emotionally to feel like theres hope for me, when you always kind"

and slipper broke, anxious steward crued.

cindy was like "damn, there goes my disguise. this man needs a slipper to please his bro and also right now, i feel like i was neglecting MYSELF by not believing i deserve this man. also that tight butt and good listening got me feeling things"

then the prince found his girl, cindy got to relax, evil step people were forced to take a hard look at themselves and finally decide if they were worth love from themselves.

and the sweage ducts, were cleaned or whatever.

the end

Cinderella rules.

Love wins.

#love wins #Cinderella #weed thoughts #weed #high #high thoughts #love #disney #rupunzel #tangled

[homestucky]

Davekat fic recs?

hrrmm wow i will have to think. ill probs just check my bookmarks which means i probably wont be able to think of many one chapter fics off the top of my head since i dont tend to bookmark them. also some that havent been updated in yrs i wont put here bcaus thats just frustrating unless theyre rlly notable and may come back i may not link them

also disclaimer that while im not super into smut so its unlikely im gonna recommend just porn fics, some may have some sexy times incidentally i suppose. also a lot of them are dave centric/dave POV bcaus hes my BOY

M.C. Escher that’s my favourite MC by Unda (COMPLETE)  is a wild ride and long but i recommend for sure, very well written n thought out. also check out the other fics in the series bcaus if i recall correctly there are some other shorter fics that unda wrote to give some background or develop characters. but theyre also really great even stand-alone! its finished now and i followed it the whole time :0. cw for child abuse and death 

Within, Without by reinkist (COMPLETE)  i actually read a long time ago so i dont remember it so well. i do remember thinking it was pretty great tho, so i do recommend it. i should probably go back for a reread some time. its just a really good meteor fic that explores everything you’d want it to, and does that well, u kno? its like the fic that u wanted to exist but couldnt find. but here it is!

Doc Scratch’s School for Supernaturally Gifted Adolescents by medical  (UNFINISHED AND RECENTLY UPDATED)is great, its like a multichapter magic/superhero au thing. its fun and characters in it are rlly well developed, like, i do enjoy a davekat fic which has a good and significant rose characterisation in there too. but theres some serious plot goin in in here too…. very exciting. 

To Be Taken Care Of by shitstuck  (COMPLETE)is good, its god some deep convos about troll v human culture and stuff, some rosemary too. bit of body horror but if i can handle it its not too bad. i just reread it lol. the epilogue changes the tone of things a bit n id be interested to know other peoples thoughts on that ;_;

Don’t Forget the Sun by Weevilo707 is rlly good but sadly NOT COMPLETE AND HASNT BEEN UPDATED IN AGES :@!! hope the authors doin ok  (EDIT: APPARENTLY the author is not planning on updating this one again, but i still think its a good read :^) )

Book Covers by turntechGeneticist717  (COMPLETE) is rlly great also!! big recommend. dave is lookin after a babby dirk as his big brother in college. i havent read it in a while but i remember when it was updating being like !!!!!!!!!!!Aaa!! also there are others in the series so take a look :)

The Truth is in the Eyes by AcrylicMist  (COMPLETE)is like a rlly mythological/fantasy interpretation of canon post game which is very cool????? like the world is sort of medieval or something but w the gods n magicky stuff. rlly interesting. , very dope again havent read it in a while and am running out of steam for ranting about fics but!! yea its sweet w an intriguing plot

The Eurydice Suite by callmearcturus  (COMPLETE) !!!!!!!!!!! i love this fic so much like its bonkers n i just. its like an inception sort of inspired au and i have NEVER watched inception but im just super into the concept. its just. a rlly amazing well written fic w perfect pacing and characterisation like the plot is like a beautiful spider web where time flicks back and forth yet makes perfect sense. theres such a sense of atmosphere. ive reread it so many times. also!!1111111 i love the dave in it, and i love the strilondes family relationsy stuff!! i also feel like it ties everything up rlly nicely despite having like all the main characters in it p much. hell yeaaaa. its my fav by this author whos an AMAZING writer like they just DROP U IN to the world with so much confidence and drop context and background in at a perfect pace so ur never confused but always intrigued. but often i find the atmosphere in their fics almost TOO intense u know?? like i feel like i wake up in a ditch after reading one like wh,,h who am i?? i hate using this word but the writing is weirdly like… “sensual” which i think means the writing is great, rlly strong atmosphere but im not  always 100% able to handle it. this one does not make me feel so dazed and its just.. yess

The Lucky Ones by daniomalley (COMPLETE) is another one i followed as it came out. a cool spacey au. sorry i cant think of anything else to say aaaa

Off Court by levvan (ON HIATUS?) is great tho strong themes of abuse from the start. not that none of the above have that if i havent said so uhhhh yea be wary of the tags i guess. but yes. 

three rounds and a sound by skitpost (UNFINISHED AND RECENTLY UPDATED) is rlly great, like a magic school au. very excited to see whats gonna happen next :0

We’re All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We’re Sick Of Your Shit) byLandOfMistAndSecrets (COMPLETE) is TECHNICALLY a dirkjake fic but it has very cute little pastiches of other characters and the DK ones are very cute and well characterised

An Alien and a DJ Walk into a Bar (and Accidentally Start a Relationship) by Kadaaver (APPEARS TO BE ON HIATUS) i was p into when it was still updating. theres not actually MUCH relationship stuff yet if i recall correctly but still. good. and i enjoy the characterisation of dave being p socially anxious.

turntechGodhead is offline by forestknifefight (UNFINISHED AND RECENTLY UPDATED) well relatively recently. i like this one a lot! theres some good beta kid friendship and some good karkat.

Astronomy in Reverse by PunkZucchini, sicklekind (ON HIATUS>??????) cute + features BIGKAT is i recall correctly

Bring You Down by acedavestrider (COMPLETE) idk what to say about this but thats not a criticism. its just a legit cute fic that is good for the heart. human au, earth n whatever. karkat is a student nurse!! yeaa! thats kind of incidental but i like it

Survival of the Richest by ireallyloveicecream (HIATUS???) theres not a lot of it but im so intrigued. some kind of a fae/magic fairy folk kinda thing

Californian Son by LivTC (COMPLETE BUT THERES MORE IN THE SERIES WHICH I HOPE WILL CONTINUE TO BE UPDATED ETC ETC) !! ok this one is kind of sexy n angsty and daves a REAL DICK in it but it rlly well written and i rlly wanna know more jijhihihu

First Contact by yesfir (UNFINISHED AND RECENTLY UPDATED) !! its au but like idk scifi, humans having to make a deal with/coexist with trolls. space colonies!! this one is great… good character development and plot… does that great thing of pacing the revelations of the plot rlly gradually so ur like ! somethings happening here and i must know more!!!

Feathered by AlloftheFandom  (UNFINISHED, RECENTLY UPDATED) this ones exciting :3 karkat has only just been introduced to it. its like a magicky world w a bit of mild body horror so far. some good strilondes also… has anyone noticed that i need strilonde family relations in a fic i love….

Soulmates by egossweetheart  (UNFINISHED (fairly..?) RECENTLY UPDATED) this is a souleater au which i dont know a lot about??? but its cool, i am suitably intrigued. bit of body horror. idk as always check the tags. idek why im bothering to specify that. anyways,

 Vladimir and Estragon Cope with Their Trauma by Volo (UNFINISHED RECENTLY UPDATED ETC) afterlife au. so yea TW death. im into it tho

The Importance of Being Karkat by choicescarfsylveon (UNFINISHED RECENTLY UPDATED ETC) karkat has a radioshow, dave is kind of a dick. some parts of that change. i wont spoil which. theres something deeper goin on too…….. mysterios….

anyways here are some fics that i think are cool. sorry it took ages i just wanted to give it a good effort ukno?? its not an exhaustive list but its what i found. thanks to all these authors and hey, while we’re at it, all fanfic authors!! good work and i hope u all know how appreciated it is. anyways i have a headache so i guess ill finish this up. peace!

#davekat #dave strider #karkat vantas #homestuck #fanfiction #dave #karkat #ask #long post

[marsixm]

ive followed for a long time and i love your blog and i also had some questions, does the term neurotypical apply to only folks without autism or in general folks without mental illness? im mentally ill but not autistic (nor do i have adhd), but im also not talking about common things like depression and anxiety, so would it make sense for someone like me to refer to those who think more normally than me as neurotypical or am i also neurotypical

honestly.... im not a doctor or an expert on anything, in my experience or in my understanding the term neurodivergent (the opposite of neurotypical) is like supposed to mean.... youre different in the way your brain functions on a fundamental level i guess, so a lifelong thing like autism instead of a situational case of depression and thats personally how id use the term- but also, if we’re talking about discussing other people, there can be so much going on with other people we dont know, my advice is to not generally label other people as being neurotypical in broad strokes. you may think others think more in line with the norm than you, but the reality of life is there IS no actual norm, just enough people thinking theyre in it and enough people thinking theyre out of it for the guise to persist. 

basically what im trying to say being: if the broad strokes definition of neurotypical is stretched to mean “anyone never experiencing any mental issue” (which imo is incorrect but is essentially whats happened) then the truth is that person almost definitely does not exist at all.

so like if youre gonna discuss other people, try to be specific and just say “people without anxiety” or “people without adhd” or whatever, or even “people who dont think like i do”. i know that may seem clunky but i think we could all put a lot more thought into our words- and it may also seem redundant since “doesnt that mean neurotypical then?” but, as i said i think such a person generally doesnt exist, and also someone can be autistic and not anxious, or have ocd but not be depressed, or have adhd but not a personality disorder, or whatever combination or non combination of things, and any number of things that neurodivergent could conjure up in those instances can be pretty different from each other, so using any kind of vocabulary that broad doesnt begin to make much sense imo.

#sorry this is rambly lol #basically what im trying to say is life is more complicated than it seems #dont paint other people with too broad of a brush #and the 'we cant all be neurotypical karen' meme really mucked things up #jugbandfloyd

[shikai-the-storyteller]

LOST LIGHT 22 READ (THAT I TOTALLY DIDN’T FORGET TO POST)

OHHHH MAN I DIDN"T REALIZE THIS WAS THE COMIC WITH THE CHROMEDOME COVER W/ RUNG IN ALT MODE IM IMMEDIATELY SO FRICKIN WORRIED

Me: *sees that this is the cover with Chromedome and Rung in alt-mode form* *WORRIED WHEEZE*

IM ONLY ON THE COVER AND IM ALREADY FREAKING OUT

*Stares at Chromedome with heart eyes while feeling waves of anxiety* I love you my sweet boy pleASE DONT DIE I WOULDN"T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT

MAN IM SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE LOST LIGHT CHAPTER

I JUST SCREAMED “UNICRON IS HERE OH NO” OUT LOUD

*sees Megatron still has an Autobot badge* *BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF EVEN IF I KNOW THATS NOT NECESSARILY INDICATIVE OF ANYTHING*

GIANT TITAN???? I LITERALLY SAID “OH SNAP” OUT LOUD

OH MY GOSH HE NAMED HIS SHIP “THE LAST LIGHT” I JUST NOTICED THAT

“The Return of the King” I AM SHRIEKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Since when did Cybertron have an alt mode” THAT"S A DANG GOOD QUESTION I THOUGHT THAT WAS A METRO TITAN

Chromedome’s casually like “Oh that’s Cybertron” UH BUDDY THAT”S KIND OF A BIG FRICKIN DEAL

“Megatron! What in the actual hell is going on?” THAT"S AN EVEN BETTER QUESTION RODIMUS

gosh roddy looks so good in his classic red and orange and yellow look I’m weeping

MEGATRON….

MEGATRON….

“I’m waving” RODIMUS YOU ARE PRECIOUS

It only took five pages but Megatron ALREADY looks so Done with Rodimus lmaoooo welcome back Megs

Grimlock: Megatron? Rodimus: I never thought I’d say this but…he’s not that bad when you get to know him Me: *OLD MAN CLUTCHING CHEST REACTION MEME*

Pharma: *points at Ratchet* Me, immediately: nO NO NONONO!!!!

Half of me: IM SO FRICKIN WORRIED ABOUT RATCHET I MEAN I KNOW HE”LL BE FINE BUT IM STILL WORRIED Other half of me: haha Pharma wants to brag in front of his ex

WH-

WHAT

IM SORRY I JUST

I CAN”T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, I JUST SNORTED SO LOUDLY

IT"S THE HAND-HOLDING FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE OF DEATH

NO THE FUNCTIONISTS KILLED ORION PAX

SCREW YOU GUYS IM NOT TAKING BACK MY JOKE ABOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE I HATE THIS

WHY!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL ORION!!!

oh shoot they killed Terminus too??? HECK DUDE

“Pax, Terminus, Rung, Nightstalker, Impactor…we’ve taken all those he ever loved” HE LOVED THEM

HE

LOVED

THEM

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HECK

I HATE TRANSFORMERS I HATE THIS SERIES

I had to google who Nightstalker was GDI HE WAS RAVAGE’S PARTNER, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU GOTTA DO ME DIRTY IDW

STOP KILLING MEGATRON’S CATS, LET HIM LIVE YOU MONSTERS

Rodimus: What are you going to do? Megatron: From your perspective I’m going to try and kill you MEGATRON PLEASE

DRIFT OH NO

I ACTUALLY GASPED OUT LOUD OH MY GOSH!!!!

I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN BUT DANGIT JRO THAT WAS COLD

I KNOW HE”LL BE OK BUT DANG

My first thought, immediately after panicking: Oh Saling’s gonna lose their mind at these panels

“I am not Pharma, but I do think he’s trying to assert himself” OH SHOOT SO THAT"S NOT PHARMA

lmao “I’m not Pharma but he keeps screaming at me to brag that he shot your current boyfriend”

“You built a spacebridge into my mind” uH

“I met someone as they crossed the threshold. When they ran I reached out to retrieve them-” UH

IM LOSING MY DANG MIND “You’re talking to Pharma and I’ve got to say Ratchet you’re looking very-” GDI PHARMA YOU”RE KILLING ME HERE what a gay disaster

“I was Adaptus” UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wait wtf Whirl’s on the Last Light AND with Rodimus? OH WAIT SHOOT IS THAT HIS KID ON THE LAST LIGHT!????? WAIT A MINUTE

AW….THE MEGATRON ULTRA MAGNUS MOMENT….OOF THAT HURTS MY HEART

OH WAIT SHOOT DRIFT ACTUALLY IS REALLY HURT HECK

WHAT"S A ZERO POINT IS HE GONNA BE OK???

“Let me look at him” Megatron I don’t think you have a medical degree for that

OH MY GOSH HIS FUSION CANON IS ACTUALLY A TOOL KIT….IM WEEPING…I LOVE THAT.

MEGATRON AND DRIFT ARE FINALLY (sorta) SPEAKING NOW IM REALLY WEEPING

Aw I know JRO’s super pressed for time with everything but I’m glad he was able to put that interaction in there

HA

There’s so many good things about this panel: Cyconus side-eyeing Megatron, Swerve ragging on Megatron’s interior design choice (even though Swerve’s favorite color is purple), Megatron defending his choice to Swerve….good content here folks

“Four weeks…Minimus I’ve not seen you in centuries” *WAILS*

I LOVE THEM SO FRICKIN MUCH

Local goth sulks in the corner and misses his boyfriend

MORTILUS WAS THE NECROBOT….I REALLY AM GOING TO WEEP

IM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

RUNG IS PRIMUS

IM LOSING MY DANG MIND

IM LAUGHING BECAUSE JRO, AS THE WRITER, IS ESSENTIALLY THE GOD OF THE STORY SO IT MAKES SENSE THAT HIS INSERT WOULD BE IMPORTANT BUT IM STILL LOSING IT OH MY GOSH

TRANSFORMERS IS THE BEST SERIES IN THE UNIVERSE

FRICKIN JRO “This is my oc, he’s god”

I CAN”T WAIT TIL THE NEXT ISSUE THIS IS GONNA BE THE LONGEST TWO AND A HALF WEEKS OF MY LIFE

#i talk #I'm reading Transformers #lost light #Primordial robot hell #(I DID FORGET) #Transformers spoiler #I DIDNT WANT TO POST IT UNTIL IT CAME OUT OFFICIALLY THAT WAY I WOULDNT SPOIL ANYONE #lost light spoiler #mtmte spoiler

[castlehead]

:wanna write a pome bout fire an call it sicc burrn.-

Be happy as you tie your shoes it is another day the will is written and I need no longer pray to organize what wishes left and throw out the lies about that death of mine that would have been had I not decided a mulligan on the whole damn escapade and doctors blowing up my phonepiece on my way to peace at the top of an office building called oddly enough the oracle office building i scoped the spcs it seemed high enough this time to break thorough enough larger numbers of bones

it was damn hot i removed identifiable clothing in case somebody sicced an ambulance on me i was out in the sticks some upscale suburb in Lexington with all these trees fucking my signal i made a wrong turn it was so damn hot i actually got farther from where i was going to go to die at the top tip point of an office building called the fucking oracle of all things i don't even know what kind of symbolism that shit is i just know it was damn hot and I was buying time by saying I was on my way till it became obvious I wasnt then prayed to lord jesus that if I killed myself let no one else do it because I did please do yr genie powers thing grant my wish if even I shake from the impact of meeting the fiery dearth of hell as simultaneously i met the boiling paved ground of a parking lot that has nothing to do with me hoping a thorougher break and no one too sad or not really sad too long

i wrote my will at a gas station im not a lawyer but tried to shaipshape the legality ok enough

but I thought of my daughter and all reason got ghosted right quick and logical comportment that made me calmly walk to this random office building GPS FUCKING MY SHIT UP folks wondering where I am i saying I am on my way but like it's been so long and no Dan knocking just wanted to buy time but my daughter unraveled my heart out of this daft empirical natty tightness and my tired shaggy patrician aspect which I resent for looking like ive spent long st studies and am back for the summer to get some sun i resent my eloquence that seems and seems all day when I know not even the semester seems unseemlywack fuck drenching a good shirt walking his way to die whwerever because catching an uber to my suicide well that would be rather tasteless.

when I got in here i found a fortune hiding in this cubbie shits it said this

"people who give happiness deserve happiness."

i remember in my intercessions to christ I asked for a visible sign I would be certain of and thought of my daughter and thought tha best mystic indication was whatever sign I myself conjured as all in the end must be assessed by the only great vacuity that does not inspire suspicion because it is the one we own love is irrational it is fortified from the best reasons to die as something simply for its own sake and like the deviant flexing purples of parnassian for the sake of art i guess I can still satisfy my gluttonous desire for logic and reason and proving by maintaining the practice of art as causa sui equally valid for denying any higher symbol or point to perform as on that reasonless beautiful spectrum as loving for the sake of love and living likewise if even i must endure another shameful cry of wolf i end up being sensible by tossing aside my book of reasons for why I am mostly a problem and the selfishness of continuing to live and be a problem and someone this reason discarding reason is more reasonable.

life is funny. my will is writ i my lawyer by proxy christ telling my why to live with some stupid fortune about happiness.

but His insight has always come after the fact else he would meddle too much in my freedom. but I knew he met what he said.

my will is writ. i write it everyday. i have thought of it living i have thought of it the insensible force and the meaning entire that has no argument and needs no proof and exists the more than those things that do

             ...A FEW WEEKS LATER.

WE BE OUT HERE, BUT IN HERE !!

since I cannot leave this unit i will go outside an inside place I will pretend my imagination is real which I guess is what that is anyway but

/||knockknockknockknockknock!,!!!||

ITS NOT FAIR IM AFRAID TO LAY DOWN SO MUCH STRESS TOO GOD DAMNED LONG THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON I NEED A WEIGHTED BLANKET SHIT I NEED A QUIET ROOM MEDITATION SOMETHING MINDFULNESS PLEASE ANYTHING to distract

this feeling I need.. I need to talk to my social worker.. for the love of goddddssdd

i will hear these screams as the conversation of nice birds

it doesn't have to be special genus sparrows sound beautiful the most often

because their crew of them aflitter about one tree produce a nice litany of voices

small and excited and excitable Lacking patience like anything small

a nice cheeping of a bushel of birds in the bush, ripe as any sound

to collect the same as shiny red apples nice very nice I will hear that

instead of the screams of this fat patient who

selfish in her grief makes all the other patients anxious and cuts in line-

-at the med window becuase she must be attended to its serious can I

talk to somebody please

her tears already squint her eyes nearly out of existence suffocated

by big puffy fucking cheeks raw with grief that's been goin on so ling maybe it's both simulated

and of a sincerity developed over all this time doing it every day all day

screaming about her situation she says she's smarter than everybody and knows what's going on here

this really stout lady who is on-

-this damned filibuster long time now it's been

saying tearfully I am scared-

-of ECT & I DONT BELONG HERE THE DEPAKOTE TOOK AWAY MY FEELINGS

my epidermis will turn over and I willl look as tho skinned

it is alright and even tho it is

this is an act of desperation considering it's absurdity and the fact I spend my days

better than others who pace to pass the time the halls lit in this unwell shit ass light

my single act of rebellion was in refusing to lower the volume playing fairest of the seasons as a tribute

or something for this girl who liked Buddha who was leaving, and I said in the least patronizing way I could,

CHIN UP, KID.

i feel like she valued that little pearl of wisdom that rosebud of shit like that comes out finally when ya

constipated from all the decaf coffee cuz ya need a high somehow riht?

actually silly now to think of that that song by nico that German lady who sang for VU // eh I unnoh its pretty i guess..

it was cause someone I knew was getting discharged

against the life of deeply felt boredom. thing is I feel for her

i really do but this reaction doesnt help yr case ma'am

. . . . . .

[...psych units stop helping and start being a wear on the soul at some point, like resorting to leather sandals too much for any outside excursions. Alas, the wind, I can tell she misses how she feels on my face. I miss her openness, divine golden ointment of reality. Blowing hymns. For there I found myself more truly and more street]

COMING AT U VIA RADIO BROADCAST FROM AB2 SOUTH IN THE McLEAN-ASS MORN

ITS RAGEFUL AMES, THE HOST W/ YR DOSE OF LITHIUM

THE ’No Biggie’ STATION CUZ WE ALL GOTTA CALM OURSELVES

FOR AL THE DEMENTS OUT THURR

THE FIRST MORNING INSTALLMENT OF YACK YACK YACKING

AND A FEW MUSIC THINGS TO JUST MAKE THE VOICES STOP

#poetry #poem #pome #powtry #psych unit #hospitalization

[fmdxjerome]

hello people from old and new! naomi is back in action with her son jerome. i’ve been stuck in my sisters house for the last weeks of my absence because she went on vacation and i had to take care of a sick rabbit who peed everywhere. i might have a disease now at the amount he bit me but what can you do. im joking. you might ask “but naomi doesnt your sister have wifi” yes she do but i’m an anxious wreck so spending my days on a first floor apartment  with my sister on the other side of the world w an infected foot had me fucke d upppp boiii but now i’m back in my own home and my sister + her boyfriend are safely home!! foot all fine!! and everyone is calm again!! so!! i can return with a good heart. i’ll be sliding in the dms of the people who bear emoticon’ed me 600 years ago and bc i suck w introducing myself to new people i’ll just hi!!!!! i think when i wake up i’m gonna do a “bio reading” marathon as i write bc i need to appreciate. also shit i need more threads wow i suck might see me replying to some open starters and def need to get back to plotting bc there are some people i’ve been dying to thread with ;^;

its like 6am now so i might b heading 2 bed now but under the cut there will be a reintroduction to jerome (one i promised in januari i believe) as im rewriting his bio (no major things change really its just minor things nd its time for an upgrade) so yes! hello (ims will come tomorrow as well ;3;)

also fact. mullet daddy jaebum is jerome rn dont drag him dont @ him its gone before you know it. probs after idolized its a look tho wow i love- a chic farmer (... the short bangs are tragic tho jerome honey i kno u liked them on wren but ur not wren. jerome: but i- me: no. this this not this jerome: :( ok fine me: fuego 

anyway before i pass out here is reintroduction. the triggers are; adoption, racism themes??? like yeah ok!! apologize if this is shit. hope everyone is having a good day though you all are great!

Jerome Gauthier aka Yuddy

-Anti idol

-Has an okay reputation but that’s because he’s smart about things.

-BC eyeing him tho *eyes fake friends with good reputation for him to hang out with* (hmu for fake friend plots. funny the person w the best rep of all actually likes jerome. bless jisoos christ. guess that praying on knees worked out in the end huh jerome. /dont/ sainthood is waiting)

-Talented™. (ask him to write songs for you) (Actually have a few songs in my library i want him to write but not sing so *eyes*)

-Passionate as fuck don’t mess with him in the studio (passionate all over tbh)

-Adopted and in search of his bloodlines

-Hoe but not really

-Actually, scrap that. Nicknames him JerHOEme

-Is actually lovely

-But acts like a shit

-Slips up and is soft to people sometimes before being a complete and utter asshole the next second

-bc soft jerome whOMST i only know deMON

-Suave Fuckboy who’s nonchalant about everything

-French™

-Will call you baby at some point in your life

-Signature smirk

-Egotistic???? Narcissistic??? a lil bit don’t stroke his ego

-Secretive™. not much info on his time in france

-Secretly a dad without children (except for his actual biological son insoo aka chorizo sausage who he goes to play ball with- i mean work on songs in the studio. seriously catch him picking up his son from soccer practice i mean shit no i mean- ok insoo is really his son dont fight me on this.)

-And also has a daughter an Oriental shorthair cat called Edith who he is so soft with he kicks out girls to cuddle with her. (one meow and he’s home)

- we support WISH hating jerome in this household. please people who have girls in WISH dont let them like him (or be a rebel and go against the mothers wishes but you’ve been warned)

-Dont let him get in your pants too like ask wren you dont want that (or i mean with the list of kinks i peeped maybe idk who am i to say what your muse wants or does not want idk im just protecting people from satan)

-Unlikely he’ll get in any pants now anyway tho bc he a proud shopper at papa juliens pizza and y’all some other brand type ish domino lookin asses NAH *throws hands up* rome’s in the house (no but guys. this is his soulmate THIS IS HIM. dISgUStiNG- )

-In 2016 interview took him out of context and it looks like he hates all idol rappers but is not true. He just doesn’t like companies making rap out to be like this thing you can do if you’re pretty and you can’t sing and he doesn’t like it when said pretty idols know nothing of it. he gets the grind but will side eye (benjy nd jerome already have a rivalry bc of this shit thank u interviewer)

-Dating scandals?? EHH. He almost had one with a Japanese model called Momo in the beginning of his career but BC did well of spinning them as friends and he legit had one with his ex last october which?????????? shit she touched his *spoiler* and it was *spoiler* . BC about to ban him from fashion shows damn. yoonah and him have to go to paris fashion week quick

-BC has yet to force him into a relationship tho. but damn he gonna be angry when that ever happens yoo. 

-Studied to become a cinematographer. Now is annoying as fuck during recording MV’s bc he butts into everything (BUT thats why his his mvs so AESTHETIC. eye for beauty bois)

-Holler at ya boi if you want a nice mv he’s involved like that

-Also to the girls who have been in an MV with Jerome.. know he probably flirted with you between takes bc during he’s grade a professionalism but he still a ho

-Actual catlady no questions asked (he feeds stray cats and gets cut up by edith when she smells other cats on him rip)

-Actual wife material no questions asked (to quote the great Halit Yilmaz during that time Jerome stood in the kitchen for hours making baklava and other Turkish treats for Halit’s Eid al-Fitr: “Shit, Jerome if you were a girl i’d marry you in a heartbeat.” and its true. we would ALL marry jerome. who says no is lying. )

-Smooth™

-Ok the ego thing btw its weird its an act but hes weird about it dont ask

idk what else to write ok short rundown of his bio as again i’m writing a new one and i cringe every time i look at my old one. im probs forgetting a lot but EYO ITS 6AM WHO CARES

CHILDHOOD age 0 to 10

-Born to a single mom who got fucked over by a smash nd dash dad. (we side eye Ok Chanwook in this household.)

-Moms family discouraged her from taking care of him herself so putting up for adoption it is.

-Very emotional not ok mom boram cry a lot pls. (got v angry too like boi if she ever sees chanwook again he can change his name to no dick larry)

-Adopted by a French couple called Lucas and Daphné (previously named Annelies). pretty kool peeps

-JK racist assholes who fetishize jerome a lot. PLEASE. the yellow fever runs deep. take him away from them,

-Raised in a small town in France and knew 0 Asians growing up. so thats nice

-Loves his adoptive grandpa to death tho (who’s he named after u3u)

-Actually hates the rest lol

-Ok uncle Rémy pretty cool bc he laughs at teen!Jerome shit talking his parents and aunt Camille. She a sweety ;3; a bit odd but a sweety #stanauntCamille

-Basically the people on the Gauthier side and born from Jerome and Clemintine are ok, the rest is shit (except for his dad Lucas. He a Gauthier but he shit)

-Junior/Senior relationship w granpda ;3; “Pépé!!” “Junior!!” *tiny jerome swings around grandpa’s neck* LOVE

-Grandma passed when he was 9. (he loved her very much and would always show her his drawings on her bed ;-;)

-Hard time adjusting at first when he was a tiny toddler. had a lisp talking french. ;3; baby rome

-young jerome had a bad case of the abandonment issues he literally held onto his dads leg for like 30 minutes before the teacher finally peeled him away from him. my smol boi

-Elephants. remember this. is important. /sob

-TLDR; biological mom didnt want to loose him. adoptive parents and dad are fucks. grandpa is kool. jerome had a good childhood until he didnt. thank u ignorance

TEEN YEARS age 10 to 20

-middle school very nice

-j FUCKING KKKKK EMO JEROME INBOUNDDDD

-kids are mean. teens are mean. young!jerome v lonely

-honestly he had no friends. except for like maybe this one kid on his sport called mattheo but he kinda a weeb so uhhhh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-the time comes that he feels uncomfortable with everything korean. he already learned korean along side french and english when he was growing up but now distances himself from further learning. he clings to french culture a lot and even to this day he refers to himself as french and european, and rarely refers to himself as korean or asian.

-feels disconnected from both though. its like.. his parents took his korean culture away from him by using it for their own amusement. it was not his to have basically. and french- a lot of people around him give the vibe he’s not “allowed” to call himself fully french. they see him as korean, korean-french but never just french. he feels very misunderstood. lack of identity and just not fitting in

-around this time (or earlier i’m musing still) his cousin Antonin (moms side) kind of fell out on him. like. wow. not good. fucked jerome up a lil. (issues intensify)

-inferiority complex inbound/ is he ok? no he isnt. he starts writing to get his emotions out.

-Blessed Freddy rolled in teen jerome’s life like: guess we need to do history homework together jerome: aren’t you gonna make a ‘do my homework bc you’re asian’ joke freddy: why would i jerome:

-they bond over music, freddy is the one who gets him serious about getting into it (we thank our lord freddy for this gift of life we call singer/songwriter jerome. pray to freddy 10 times a day *srry jisoos christ but ur out*)

-literally young jerome would be a great soundcloud artist in this day and age. he was like joji meets rei brown with more of an rnb tinge. he liked ambient because it calmed him.

-in his old bio thats still up bc im a slow writer his old name was some dumb shit like l.only DUMB its romeles now (get it.. jeROME LESlie gauthier. im smart)

-OK IM GONNA GO QUICKER NOW

-eMO FOR A LONG TIME BC OF LONELINESS AND OTHERING FREDDY IS HIS BEACON OF HOPE WE LOVE FREDDY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!!!!!!!

-had a big ass fall out with his parents when he was around 15? was like “UHHH FUCK Y’ALL” and moved in with his grandpa (he was very disrespectful like damn boy but you know what. i support)

-best decision of his life because grandpa v lonely after his wife died and Jerome^2 is… so soft.

-Jerome dancing/singing to old tunes and being engrossed with old movies

-Learning how to cook ;3;

-I mean bc his middle and highschool were in Laval he spend a lot of his time w his grandpa already so he already had a bed and ;-; #jerome^2

-Halit rolls into his life. Braces, huge smile, lil prepubescent stash ohmygod. My child.

-BLANC is born. Freddy/Jerome/Halit’s musical trio. Stan the Three Musketeers

-Found his first best friend and a purpose in Freddy. Found a home in Halit. (sob)

-Finds solace in rnb and hiphop. People start noticing him because of it. Writes songs and performs them in café’s. Found his niche. 15 to 19 where his “best”  years

-THE BIG MOVE. After a concerned halit mom, a proud freddy mom and a “WHAT THE FUCK JEROME NO DONT GO” jerome mom they pack their bags and PARIS HERE WE COME

-Enter ex who haunts his life, Seo Yumi aka Marie (now model, v pretty, makes me cry)

-Spots her in the summer doing yoga in the park and boi he an assman so he got fucked up (jk he saw her face and was like wHAT love at first sight

-enrolls in film school, meets her there again and wow falls in love hard like wow calm down boy

-Dating~~~v possessive not good at ALL cALM DOWN JEROME

-ok he got his issues nd marie was the first one who openly listened to his problems and understood and made him appreciate his korean heritige bc she’s korean and showed him cultural aspects without the gross fetishizing that came with his parents and he just- he got intense ok. he already got a v intense personality so- still not good tho he needs to dial it down

-she thought so too and like after a year she was !!!! what the fuck. she is not one for serious relationships but jerome was like ehhh why not in the beginning its v nice to hear nd be seen as the most beautiful ok but then it got suffocating but instead of breaking up with him she kept him around. he a safe haven ya know. reliable. someone to built on later. *i wanna say she also didnt break up w him because his emo stories but marie,,, eh...* (funny tho like she got a thing for bad boys so she just “this is the fifth time you called me beautiful just degrade me lil like choke me idk” and jerome just “w-why would i do that you’re beautiful i dont want to hurt you” ah *looks into the future* ohhowthetableshaveturned.mp4 )

-Marie cheated on him the second she got the chance which was when jerome went to america w his bros

-Got offered a job as a songwriter when in ny. Wouldnt think he’d take it but after getting kicked out of school for beating the shit out of the guy marie cheated on him with and with marie out of the picture nothing held him back from starting a new life.

-TLDR; emo era. silver era. emo era 2 emo harder

ADULTHOOD age 20 to now

-Seoul make way for the rise of YUDDY™

-the name yuddy is from the film days of being wild. the character is kinda yuddy-ish too so he saw the film again and yep. thats my name

-Fuck_love.mp3

-Visits his orphanage. they like “nah boi u aint got no papers boi”

-Parents can give him access to his birthmother btw, aren’t doing it lol

-EMO

-Drinks. Sleeps around. Gets a reputation. You kno how it is. (gr8 ride tho. highly recommend. 5 out of 5 stars on yelp)

-SMASH ND DASH. Chanwook is that u??????

-One girl who he got with multiple times reminded him of Marie tho and that fucked him up for a bit (PSST ITS A PLOT WINK SO IF YA GIRL OF AGE IN THE 2013′S HMU BC ITS DRAMATIC HE GHOSTED THE SHIT OUT OF HER)

-Writes a lot of songs, a few for BC (knight baes). BC like *eye emoji* who dat boi who him iz

-Gets sign w BCreate and is like eyy life pretty good

-but lmao he debut and oh who’s that pretty girl promoting that lipstick?? oh.. its marie ;3;

-imfine.jpeg

-Joins main label and literally joins w a blessing stream limbo on spotify

-wgm era was a great era of jerome lmty his hair was great, shared cute personal things, manager was happy, slept with his best friend, was married to a sweet beautiful girl ya know the good stuff  👍 no im not crying you are

-triple fantasy era was awful we dont talk about that he looked like his brother and i’m still emotional about him wow. 

-instagram is a great song

-Interviewer: u mention an ex in ur song tell me more Jerome: *SWEATS*  

-Marie: my short hair DOES look pretty thank u babe ur red hair was cute too <3<3

-The fact she linked to him now is spook

-But ok he still flirty, still daring, still yuddy™ but definitely less of the whole “sleeping around” thing now bc he… he uhh closetoyou.mp3

TLDR; he turned into his dad but romeo is rising AND HE IS SCARED!!!!!

also never forget jerome is the messiest king in this ok non y’all are as messy as him. he fucked his ex’s friend oK THERE IS NOTHING MORE MESSY. dONT COME FOR HIS CROWN

#Writer Speaks. #ooc. { i dont want to reset the clock again it says 6am in this post its almost 7am i've been here since 4 i'm slower than usual wow } #{ almost 7 its 7.30 i got to stop ok } #{v sleepy now so!! goodnight talk to everyone in a few hours}

[713-4th-ward-g]

1 - 70 😏

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i didn’t always have a good relationship with them. i am just now getting alright with them but im still kind of distant from them.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? my mom

03: Do you regret anything? i dont regret much just small things i did as a kid.

04: Are you insecure? not really

05: What is your relationship status? complicated

06: How do you want to die? in my sleep overdosing on lean 

07: What did you last eat? i ate chicken 

08: Played any sports? i played basketball

09: Do you bite your nails? i used too bite my nails a lot as a kid but now i only do it when I'm anxious.

10: When was your last physical fight? shit with my dad about what 6 months ago

11: Do you like someone? lol, keeping this a secret

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? i have stayed up for 3 days before but i as soon as i closed my eyes i was knocked the fucc out ahahaha.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? just them folks ina badge an undercovers.

14: Do you miss someone? i miss my tio carlos and tio luiz.

15: Have any pets? i have one old dog and im planning on adopting another dog soon

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? im feeling quite empty right now like a void of nothingness lmao. im feeling idk how im feeling hahaha.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? nope i haven’t

18: Are you scared of spiders? i hate spiders if i see them im like ohhhhh shit but then i try to kill them but if they can jump im running outt the room.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i wouldn’t go back in time but if i did it wouldnt be past the 70s. 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? its been a long time lmao. maybe a year or like 6 months

21: What are your plans for this weekend? i dont plan anything i just let things pop up if nothing pops up then i jus chill at home.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? i want 4 kids hahaha my wife finna be getting nutted in every year hahaha.

23: Do you have piercings? How many? i have 0 

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? i was good at math and social studies.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? just my dead loved ones. 

26: What are you craving right now? im cravin some affection and some love lmaooo

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? yeah lmao i think i have but she got back with me after it.

28: Have you ever been cheated on? i have never cheated but i have been cheated on.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? i have and it is the worst feeling ever seeing yo girl cry

30: What’s irritating you right now? no comment

31: Does somebody love you? if they do they need to stand up 

32: What is your favourite color? blue, black, or gold

33: Do you have trust issues? extreme trust issues 

34: Who/what was your last dream about? someone leaving me

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my family at my tio carlos death bed. or in front of my two friends.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? not really only if it is reasonable

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?: can you really forgive if you dont forget? but if i had to say its definitely forgive 

38: Is this year the best year of your life? not even close to it

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? i was 13 years old.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? lmao, hell no. only as a baby

51: Favourite food? wings and pizza

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? sometimes things happen for no reason at all

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? i was on ps4 playing video games while on chat wit my best friend david.

54: Is cheating ever okay? its never okay 

55: Are you mean? at times i can be really mean

56: How many people have you fist fought? im not sure a good handful or more

57: Do you believe in true love? if its real hopefully she finds me 

58: Favourite weather? cold weather

59: Do you like the snow? im from houston we dont get that here often so yes i do even if it is disgustin and never should land on ones tongue

60: Do you wanna get married? i lowkey do but idk.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? i love it when a girl calls me babe idk why.

62: What makes you happy? playing basketball, good jokes, and playing video games.

63: Would you change your name? nah im named after two people they would be pissed lol but for real i wouldnt

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? not really 

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? if my home girl like likes me and im single i would be like wassup if im not single ima have too cutt her off or tell her that im taken and her feelings are going to have to take a back seat

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? i dont really have any home girls but my homegirl Jessica and I be havin hella funny talks. she a fool i swear.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? i dont talk to my homegirls as much anymore they got they lives and i got mines. i haven’t talked to them in months.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i haven’t had a deep conversation in years.

69: Do you believe in soulmates? sometimes to be honest

70: Is there anyone you would die for? i would die for my nieces, nephews, and my mom 

[cheerisuu]

Im Back.

Boy, how time flies fast when you’re busy keeping things feel right. I mean, they’re supposed to be. I’m going to make this update as quick as i can and as precise as i can, bet i cant do both tho lmao.

It has been approximately 3 weeks since Rock Bottom (i guess it’s what you call it? Well, close.) and things has been quite, nice.

The month of July has really been a journey of what felt like forever. Today is the 12th of the month and i have come to the point where i realised that the mind is the only thing that keeps us from doing or achieveing something that we want. And this applies to a couple of situations:

I learned how to do a buck tuck.

This is one of the few things i achieved as i underwent through a “therapaeutic healing” after the incident. I surrounded myself with the few people that im friends with in our Pep Squad and fortunately my friend Dapitanon, P. also had a common friend which made our days more progressive. Just the act of cheering for each other to do one’s best really lifts everyone’s morale.

“It’s really all in the mind.”

We ARE physically capable of doing things but our mind seems to think that there’s an invisible obstacle that prevents us from pursuing what we want to achieve. I realise this as we were practicing for a back tuck, which i proudly achieved (with a spotter pa hehe). But that achievement was already some proof that if i can have control over my body, i can do all things if i just believe just enough to do it right. Heck, I think I’ll attach my tuck video somewhere on here.

1st of July.

We went to a dog cafe.

Idk what’s with me but i really like to do something special at least once a month with him and WITHOUT telling him. After all, I can’t just let myself be carried away with the emotions that lead me almost to the verge of thinking it was over, right? So despite our awkwardness and difference of treatment (slight), I still picked him up (with miraculously good timing too) with our Navara and was able to use it for the whole day before returning it back to my Granddad’s. Did i mention he got car sick? It was the cutest. (Am i weird for saying that? Doesn’t matter tho lmao) i thought of going to the dog cafe cause i was thinking, “Hey dogs can like help with your mental and emotional health right? So why the frick not.” Im surely going to post a little GIF here somewhere on how cute the doggos were. And when i tell you, dogs CAN bring the purest out of anyone. We literally were like talking to babies man and boy the dogs were HUUGE, only the pugs were like “hey hooman u can luv me unlyk diz oder bitchez” haha. But if ever things do go well for us in the future, we are DEFINITELY going to get a golden retriever man. It’s my dream!

Anyways, we also got to watch our first movie as “barkada pero gusto ang isat isa” or BPGAII, it was Toy Story 4. And bitch, dont get me started on how we were wondering if it was a child’s movie or not coz boi, we did NOT like the jump scares at ALL. But still, me being an emotional, soft potato, it still made me cry in the end. The meaning behind was great it was all about taking the risk, which was kind fitting? For him at least hekhek. Basically Woody chose to be with his hoe, Bo, for Buzz, his bro. But this aint no movie review so, *boop.

I gave him my skin care?

Ok tbh this was so random right. He realised my skin was glowing better (coz bitch, we aint lettin no sadness ruin this skin ya feel?) so he asked what was i using cos he was contemplating on his gorgeous face that he was getting ugly now. (The audacity, am i right?? Lol) so i CLEARLY (no pun intended) put into the effort of giving him some travel bottles and put in some samples of what moisturiser and micellar water i was using right, and i guess it worked out well? I also got to drive it TO him still. But the good side of this was i was able to be with my Granddad and spend some time together as his driver hihi.

LADY DRIVER.

So I’m getting good at this driving thing right, as driving from Malaybalay to Cagayan, Davao to Tagum and vice versa, Tagum to Maco and back. So i might as well be good at city driving and yall cant tell me otherwise lol,

(SIDENOTE:except for the fact i got stopped by the Yellow Ranger in Ecoland coz i was at the left lane at a traffic light and my mom told me to go straight WHICH WAS WRONG I GUESS THATS A THING RIGHT, so i was almost charged 1500 pesoses. But thank Heezuz i was with my mom and she was able to talk through the officer but sadly we had to name drop my Granddad since he was a known regional director at LTO before. Sorry Pops, i swear it’ll be the first and last time.)

Back to real time, i helped him with his errands and was really lucky with the timing coz my Dad went off for a trip and my mom was left with his car. So yup, got the chance to borrow it for half of the day and drove all the way to Maa to get a keyboard his friend is letting him use for the mean time, her name is Jen and she’s the sweetest. (No backstory will be dropped for privacy). Aight, so we drove back to their house at Magallanes but didn’t have enough time to say hi to his folks coz it was noon and they were on siyestas, right. I still regret why i didnt like fake-pee or something tho. HahahahahahahDONTJUDGE. We ate for some late lunch at SML and felt korek coz before we joke about “asa ta nag park?” And now we get to be in the situation haha. It’s funny coz just when i thought things were detoriating between us, the world just chooses to keep things tight and close and say something like “oh, u guys are having an emotional conflict and struggle about ur relationship? Here are things that only REAL couples do and i hope u enjoy em!!” Dumbass. Jokes aside, I drove him home and goodbyes are still awkward, but i was starting to understand the type of ‘low-key’ he means.

Usapang Gym.

Oh wow it’s already the fifth point. If you manage to read this far, congrats! You get nothing but to keep on reading this rollercoaster wreck lmao. I wasn’t expecting he would pay the whole month at our gym and expects me to come with him. And it came to me: i kept on thinking that i should ask for assurance but in reality, he really does mean what he said about just being “me”. Things were different but things also got better. It’s like losing some and gaining some right? Like a body excrcising, losing weight, gaining muscle, idk its a weak analogy but its close enough for yall to understand. It’s our first week today, (it’s Friday) i hope i could keep up tho haha. I guess I’ll keep progress updated? Idkidkidk. Also, i got to mention thats he is VAIN af. Idk if its a good thing or just a tragedy waiting to happen haha. I also became his coach, (oha san kapa haha), he told me he wanted help with increasing his verticle as he would help me with abdominals. So i bought sets of ankle weights only to find out the first one didnt suit him so i had to buy another set. AND IT WAS HALF THE PRICE I BOUGHT THE FIRST SET AND IT WAS BETTER. Prices will be disclosed. (250) So i like, i do my own workout right and he suddenly shows his hot-headed side of things coz he was upset he had to go home early coz there was this no-towel-no-workout policy at my gym so we had to cut our day short.

In times like these, my mind just goes to places to different situations. All the what-ifs start filling up my mind on how he could react to other situations that would cause a similar effect on what his character was showing right. But in the end, i still give kudos to myself coz im able to keep up and cope with how quick his personality changes sometimes. And sometimes, im the one with a crack on the head lmao. Well, most of the time.

TAKE AWAYS.

Fast forward to this very moment, its 11:30 in the evening and im recalling all of this on a positive note. Today was an addition to a great day we had as a rest day from gym. We watched Spiderman: Far From Home and i guess its now my current favorite and HAD to watch it twice.

Speaking of Twice, bruh i want to do a dance cover so bad of #Fancy or #YesOrYes coz i been itching and the choreo is sooo goood! Not to mention Twice was in Manila last 29th of June. *sighs in broke* but i cant say it was the best concert from them coz there were complications like Jungyeon had a sty and was wearing an eye patch the whole concert, Dahyun got sick after along with Mina who wont be attending the 2019 Twicelights Worldtour because she gets anxiety attacks and feels insecure about performing on stage suddenly. I mean i know you got no idea what im talking about but its just sad to think of the fact that even someone so adored by many people, someone who has great physical, social and emotional support, can still feel the lack of these mentally. And if you’re one of those people who feels anxious about anything? I hope you get well soon and i hope you find the true meaning of your purpose in this simulation, because you are not alone. x

In addition to almost wrapping this up, i also treated myself again something from Adidas (coz again, bitch, if no man gon treat me i gon treat myself! HAHA!) which i later on realise i now own 3 bags from there and thinking to get a fourth one....someone help me¿ i also have to mention i already treated myself about a week ago (🎶) by waxing my own axillae, grooming my own brows, a gorgeous lippie from Beauty Cottage called Elegant Impressionist shade #9 Byzantine for half its original price haha, nothing beats fishing me through a sale. Speaking of treat, my Dad gave me my first pair of Tigers man and i cant help but tell yall its the same pair that the He wanted and it totally pissed him off that i got the pair he wanted first so bad and now he doesn’t know what to do coz he’s afraid if we have the same pair we might wear it at the same time and it would be cringy and weird (now for normal people that would sound cute right, matching kicks and all. But no. Not in this lifetime.), since im just blabbering of how im spoiling myself might as well end it here folks.

Guess I’ll keep you updated on how stuff might go on from now since class is fast approaching. Tomorrow I guess I’ll be attending a send-off party for our friend she’s going to the U.S soon. Oh, did i mention the re-run for Endgame is out? 🤔

[tumorhead]

indirect triggers: a case study

My depression has flared up from a combonation of this season (end ofwinter but not spring), a cold, my period, & the existential horror show that is the US political scene. My mental illness has its maximum stat boosts.

Then a thing happened on Sunday that set me off and I am very confused. There’s not a Single Event that traumatized me that I get reminded of, so how can I have triggers that, when experienced, send me spiraling?

 I wrote out my thought process so here it is if anyone finds it helpful: 

Something I find increasinly helpful is understanding that generalized anxiety means your body is SUPER GOOD at remembering emotionally powerful experiences and warning you if the same signs show up again. Literally it's a physical difference, our neurons behave differently. Anxious people have a harder time distinguishing "new safe" from "familiar danger", more often erring on "SAME OLD DANGER!!!" and that happens outside conscious thought ("bottom up" processing rather than "top down")

ANYWAY:

I went to a party on Sunday at my friend's house, middle aged white

Midwestern folks with kids and our shared friends and some other

locals. My partner wasn't there yet. Lots of people cooking, drinking

all kinds of alcohol, kids running around, always enjoyable to visit.

Well, mostly.

LAST SUMMER INITIAL EVENTS:

I went to a party with the same group of people & this notorious

alcoholic John was there. He owns a bar that's gone to shit and is

divorced. He is nice but also vocally self-deprecating & bitter towards

women so his mental distress is obvious.

Well at THAT party he was sitting next to my partner on a couch and so

I sat between them and John offered me his gross warm half-drinked

mojito...which I took & sipped to be polite but then wondered why the

fuck I did that. He then put his arm around my shoulder in a comforting

way but I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT (internally, because I am the best at

pushing shit down). This guy I never've even hung out with was touching

me in what felt to me like  grossly intimate way and I was supposed to

be okay with it. I froze and let it happen and I hate myself for that.

It was the first time I totally lost my shit from someone touching me

so it was really confusing, but I didn't stand up for myself and that

haunts me.

FAST FOWARD TO THIS SUNDAY EVENTS:

I walk in and my friend is busy cooking and everyone says hello. They

immediately ask me what I'd like to drink. John is there. Great. Now I

have this baggage where I can't stand being around John because of the

mess being around him caused before, and since I'm an anxious person by

neurons are WAYYYY BETTER at remembering emotionally damaging

situations & sounding the alarm. My alarm was sounded but I figured it was

a false alarm.

With John was a middle aged guy I've never met who introduces himself.

He says he's seen me around, to which I think "ew creepy". Other

friends ask me if I want a mint julip & I say sure as the one hosts

goes to make one. Instead Andy hands me the drink he's holding and says

"Here take this". I take it and take a sip and then- hindds -WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? I remember: DO NOT TAKE DRINKS

FROM STRANGERS, especially ones you didn't see being made, especially

from people who've been EYEING ME FROM AFAR. I hold on to the drink &

don't drink anymore. I am legit terrified it's drugged (now I doubt it was but i was afraid i'd already had too much). My one pal had been roofied from drinking his gal's drink at a bar I always go to so I feel literally nowhere is safe from sceezebags.

I remeber that I'm in a HOUSE with many easily accessible private rooms

at a party. I PANIC.

While my panic hits after Andy hands me the drink I see John jab at his

friend and give him a knowing laugh and smirk like "oh u" and Andy

laughs. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE a seasoned bar owner saw his buddy start to

get a woman drunk to sleep with her. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE John was

laughing at the old trick. Also, John knows I'm in a committed

relationship. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE THAT but I could've read it wrong, it wasn't explicit.

I go outside and discreetly dump the mint julip in to the grass. I

mingle and have a good time and try to avoid John & Andy. At one point

John puts his hand on my shoulder again and I get secretly furious.

Since Sunday I have been miserable and can't deal with anything and am so

mad at everything.

EVENT DECONSTRUCTION:

Why was I so upset about someone gently touching me? I was legitimately

baffled but I THINK I've figured it out. My emotions always take me forever to understand why exactly I feel how I do...

What confused me is the "trigger" was not a reminder of a unique event. A shoulder touch did not lead to a traumatizing event that I get reminded of. I think it is a symbol of a way of being treated that leads to incidents, not the incidents themsevles. A trigger a few degrees removed from the trauma. A trigger based in REPETITION. Like a Pavlovian dog drooling at the sound of a bell rather than the smell of food.

I am terrified of not standing up for myself again and letting things

happen to me that I don't want. I have a  history of being touched when I didn't want to by people who didn't respect my autonomy and then forcing me to do things that have traumatized me. Its incredibly INCREDIBLY hard for me to tell people no or tell people off even when it's legitimately warrented. (I am working on it). That fact (to panicked my neurons at least) puts me in danger. And "disrespectfully touching without permissions" is the first sign.

My parents taught me they can force me to do horrible things I don't want because they've trained me to capitulate to their emotions over my own (they did not do this out of malice, just being sick themselves without the right parenting tools). I have accepted causing my own pain over possibly causing others discomfort most of the time. (A sense of powerlessness causing depression? Bingo.)  

Why would a gentle shoulder touch set me off? Because people ignoring my personal boundaries has lead to trauma before.

And when my mental illness is flaring up and my executive functioning is shit I can't control my response to triggers very well.

DONT TOUCH PEOPLE UNLESS YOU ASK FIRST DONT F U C K I N G DO IT DON'T. FUCKING. TOUCH ME

now to dig myself out of the ol’ depression pit ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (which is  easier nowadays)

#diary #mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety #triggers #trauma #recovery

[avghisms]

All of them please!! I'm curious OTL

gee well fine 1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? go out with friends or paint maybe lol2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned? i luv this lil black dress my ex gf gave to me!! 3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue? idk something creative tho like candle making 4. What does your perfect room look like? VERY PINK AND VERY CUTE 5. How often do you play sports? I dont!! im too lazy!! 6. What fictional place would you like to visit? Idk 7. What job would you be terrible at? probably customer service which i was terrible at 8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?probably like last week hahaa 9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for? being cute 10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have? i bite my nails when im anxious but i also hate loud breathing :// 11. What job do you think you'd be really good at? nursing or counselling!! 12. What skill would you like to master? writing or something 13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? travelling to somewhere really sunny with my friends ❤14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like? kinda petite bungalow with a big porch and on a beach!! 15. What's your favorite drink? black coffee cold water B))) 16. What state or country do you never want to go back to? belfast.... 17. What songs do you have completely memorized? a lot 18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in? n/a life is good enough 19. What do you consider to be your best find?matthew mcdonnell cus hes a saint 20. Are you usually early or late? early! 21. What pets did you have when you were growing up? an evil cat and a hamster 22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with? just their emotions i guess or for a line of reasoning/second opinion 23. What takes up too much of your time? sleeping ahh24. What do you wish you knew more about? people 25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years? where them gay girls at 26. What are some small things that make your day better? my friends nd my cat :')) 27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to? hayley kiyoko/mystery skulls28. What's the best way to start the day? black coffee and a cigarette29. What TV shows do you like? not many at all :0 30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should? anna channel 31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished? my mama and my best friend 32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently? 16 tbh33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? noneee ahh 34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend? going on a trip w my friends to the beach!!! 35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without? gourmet coffee 36. What is your claim to fame? when i turned 16 i became a lot more open minded and forgiving. with a lot more empathy and willingness to see beauty in everything. positive vibeeeesss. 37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way? essays even tho i get wankers cramp 38. What's your favorite book or movie genre? i like rom coms 39. How often do you people-watch? idk what that means but sometimes i see pretty people and im happy 40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? my lifeee 41. What's the best day of the year? all day every day in july 42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of? occultism 43. How do you relax after a long day of work? napping 44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched? jane the virgin 45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home? france!! 46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? forgiveness and reconciliation. compromise. 47. What is the most annoying question people ask you? "who do you have a crush on?" "Will you meet this guy?" 48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation? psychology or biology 49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? create a beautiful eutopiaaaa 50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? reflect 51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting? hand gliding 52. What's your dream car? a pink one 53. What's worth spending more on to get the best? makeup 54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get? IDK DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS 55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? travelling a lot more !! meeting new friends 56. Where is the most interesting place you've been? île de adam 57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it? art work 58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week? free coffee 59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again? Steven universe omg 60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have? hair dresser 61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see? idk... 62. How different was your life 1 year ago? it was extremely different, i was extremely different. it was kinda hellish and im glad im so different now. 63. What quirks do you have? always drinking coffee n being weirdly generous 64. What would you rate 10/10? hayley kiyoko 65. What fad or trend do you think should come back? baggy jeans 66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen? me 67. What kind of art do you enjoy most? dark abstract 68. What do you hope never changes? me 69. What city would you most like to live in? bordeaux70. What movie title best describes your life? love, actually 71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? i don't work am lazyyy 72. What's the best way a person can spend their time? being kind 73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make? a pipe74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been? bed or beach 75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you? winning the lotto 76. Where would you rather be from? france77. What are some things you've had to unlearn? self-hatred, loathing and accepting abuse. i had to unlearn a lot. 78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months? swedennn w my love 79. What website do you visit most often? www.google.com 80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford? break stuff 81. Where do you usually go when you have free time? the park or someones house lol 82. Where would you spend all your time if you could? a beach 83. What's special about the place you grew up? absolutely nothing 84. What age do you want to live to? 60 85. What are you most likely to become famous for? cult leader 86. What are you absolutely determined to do? to be the best person i can be and to be positive!! 87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? understand most things. 88. What do you wish you knew more about? the world. 89. What question would you most like to know the answer to? why did you lie? why did you treat me so horribly and yet retained a complete victim complex? What happened to make you so fucking monstrous? What put you out of your way to humilate me worse than anyones ever done before, all the while pretending you cared? 90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person? why are we here? 91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major? recently, everything changes! 92. What's the best compliment you've ever received? too many heck "you have taught me so much" "you have a beautiful soul" "you're angelic to me" (all platonic btw romance is bullshit) 93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do? try to survive. Befriend animals! 94. Who inspires you to be better? my mom and JESUS 95. What do you want your epitaph to be? honest 96. What haven't you grown out of? some grudges 97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in? at a dinner table 98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well? trying to make friends 99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about? probably transformation 100. What's something you will never do again? trust so openly 101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future? i don't. I think im good now. 102. What keeps you up at night? the possibilities!! of life! 103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had? i deserve better 104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done? driving w/o license 105. How do you get in the way of your own success? laziness 106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you? im dont generally care about what other people think of meee... 107. What is your biggest regret? Making the wrong decision and losing something that could've been great.. 108. What do you look down on people for?being indirect and bitchy 109. What bridges do you not regret burning?there have been a lot of abusive people who im so glad ive been able to get rid of bc they were like poison. 110. What lie do you tell most often? "i only had like 4 beers" 111. What would be your spirit animal? a cat lol112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older? learning aand experiencing is the best but moving on is the worst 113. What are you most likely very wrong about? politics 114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it? pink 115. What's happened that changed your view on the world? uhh generally being loved and appreciated for who i REALLY am and therefore being able to become a good person with good people surrounding me 116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned? trust no one. 117. What is the most immature thing you do? get rly drunk nd become all rude n dumb 118. What are you famous for among your friends & family? giving advice and support 119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be? rotting human flesh 120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have? always being the bigger person or trying to. 121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die? a real relationship a baby and a good job! 122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self? trust no one. no one in ur life is gonna keep ur trust except ur mom n Matthew. 123. What's the best thing you got from your parents? love uwu 124. What's the best thing about you? seeing tje beauty in everything 125. What blows your mind? life in itself 126. Have you ever saved someone's life? yes 127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at? writing ehehe 128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like? like me? long dark brown hair on a short girl wearing a pink hoody n black jeans?? 129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?im left handed, im psychic and im strong owo130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? the big fucking gash on my right leg 131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life? happiness is....... 132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life? september 4th 2016 133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned? dont trust him 134. What do people think is weird about you?im always confused 135. What mistake do you keep making? USIMG CUPS AS ASHTRAYS 136. What have you created that you're most proud of? A LOT OF PAINTINGS 137. What do you doubt? that people are truly sorry.138. What are some of your morals? always be honest w those u trust, give everyone a chance, dont judge, forgive with ur heart. 139. What do you want to be remembered for?loving and being loved 140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?n/a 141. What is your favorite fragrance? jasmine anr roses and ylang ylang aaa142. What do you think your last words will be?noo letsnnot 143. Who or what do you take for granted?my schoool144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?eat a LOT 145. What is something you're insecure about? IM NOT yay 146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received? best: never be ashamed. worst: drink green tea to cure epilepsy 147. What irrational fears do you have? being alone, 148. What makes a good life? love 149. What's the last adventure you went on? idk man 150. What is the most memorable gift you've received? my granpas snuff tin 💖