#feel free to yell at me for misinterpreting their behaviors and personalities

[baldurspeen69420]

I wrote fanfiction and now im making it your problem

"There you are now, Noir. Doesn't that feel better? Don't you feel handsome?"

Shadowheart ran the fine-tooth comb through the black cat's thick fur. He purred and stretched himself on their bed, his tiny pink toes splayed in satisfaction.

"Darling, I love you, really. But don't you think you're spoiling your beast a bit?" Astarion was lounging in the plush chair across from them, one leg propped over the armrest as he thumbed disinterestedly through a novel. "Cats are clever. You inflate his ego too much he's bound to revolt against us, I'd wager."

"He would never, he has me wrapped around his little claw and he knows it."

Noir trilled and rolled languidly, his eyes round and inky. What was it Gale had said about Shadowheart herself so long ago? Eyes as deep as the Darklake? Like mother, like son.

It had been such a long time, hadn't it? A year now since the Netherbrain crashed into the ocean outside Baldur's Gate, a year since their odd team had parted ways. Gale going back to Waterdeep, Wyll and Karlach to the Hells, Lae'zel riding the astral sea on dragon back. . . Then there was only her and Astarion, no grand purpose waiting for them after the culmination of their journey. An orphaned woman still regaining her memories and a vampire spawn with no master.

So they went together, returning to nights of an all too familiar darkness. But things were . . . different.

For one thing, they no longer traveled together out of sheer circumstance and survival, but instead as friends. Genuinely.

They had despised each other at the start of everything. Shadowheart could still remember the cold of Astarion's blade against her neck upon stumbling across his crashed pod outside the Nautiloid. The desperation that led her to drive her head against his skull to escape. The moment of standoff before their tadpoles connected, before memories of dimly lit streets and gnawing hunger filled her mind. And then there were the weeks after. Her suspicion, his ire.

She called him petulant, selfish, self-aggrandizing, foppish, and ridiculous. He called her stubborn, stupid, prudish, and worst of all, an utter bore.

But time passed. They fought battles, traveled miles. She checked his more chaotic impulses, he made her laugh. And now here they were, sharing a room in a dingy inn south of Neverwinter. Plus the cat Shadowheart had added to their little duo to Astarion's very vocal annoyance. But she pretended she hadn't seen him stroking the feline's head when he thought her out of eyeshot.

"What is it you're reading, anyway?" Shadowheart asked, leaning over to try to see the cover.

"Nothing much, just the book I found under your bed when you went out." He replied. "What is it? Lust of the Triton Prince?"

"You!-" The tips of her ears burned red as she sat up to try to snatch the novel away. Astarion lifted it out of reach with a tut.

"Oh come on, I'm just about to get to the good part. He's about to present Devina with his scaly trident. I'm too invested to put it down now!"

"What in the hells are you doing rooting around under my bed?" Shadowheart demanded. "Can I not have an ounce of personal space?"

"If you didn't stash little tidbits like this around, I'd have no reason to go scrounging, would I? Let me read, please?"

She huffed. "You can borrow it for tonight, but mind yourself next time. I think you're acting very bold for someone within guiding bolt range."

"You would never." Astarion didn't even look up. And he was right, of course, she wouldn't.

Shadowheart leaned herself back onto the bed with a sigh. He was like an annoying little bloodsucking brother. But he was her annoying little bloodsucking brother, all things considered. "Since you're this far already, how do you feel about Prince Neptunias?"

"Ugh, gods, don't get me started." He rolled his eyes. "He's beyond irritating. The whole nobleman's honor thing makes me gag. There's not a chance he'd really be half as interesting in bed as the author writes him. Now Larius on the other hand . . ."

"You're not even supposed to like Larius, he only cares about his family fortune."

"I just see a man who knows what he wants. And really, what's wrong with that? If the author didn't want you to root for him, they shouldn't have made him so attractive."

It was a fair point, his introduction always made Shadowheart a little weak in the knees. Something about the blue eyes and the duelist boots, perhaps.

Once the sun had set they were off on the road again. Shadow had gotten used to sleeping during the day on Astarion's schedule. It wasn't as if they had much of a choice, seeing as how he'd be reduced to embers if they went out into the sunlight. But this journey was meant to change that. They were going to find a cure for his vampirism, and she was going to recover a relic of Selune in the process.

As they walked, her eyes wandered up toward the stars. She thought about an old friend once more, the image of her silver sword raised to the heavens.

"I do wonder what Lae'zel is doing up there, right now. Cleaving through hordes of Beholders perhaps?"

"If I had to guess, I would say she's covered in blood and spearing a few of Vlaakith's little minions. I'm sure she's in her element." Astarion replied.

Noir rested heavily in Shadowheart's bag, leaning against her side and keeping some potions warm under his weight. Another fragment of the past bubbled to the surface of Shadowheart's mind.

"And these pets, what purpose do they serve?" Lae'zel had asked, tiny nose in the air as usual.

"They're dumb animals to feel superior to." Astarion said.

Shadow wrinkled her nose at the two of them. "How about comfort? Companionship? Do any of those words mean anything to either of you?"

"I'd rather find my comfort and companionship in a strong set of arms, but I guess not everyone gets that opportunity, do they Shadowheart?" He snarked.

Lae'zel nodded. "The spawn speaks truth. No base creature could compare to the pleasures of flesh and tongue."

"You're both disgusting. Are you incapable of thinking beyond your genitals in any scenario?"

"I'd never dream of it and I find the very insinuation insulting." Astarion drawled.

What night had that been? Just before the raid on the goblin camp? It had to be, she could remember the bowl of stew in her hands that Gale had labored over half the evening. And the special ingredient Karlach had generously added in an attempt to be helpful. That was how Shadowheart learned she had no spice tolerance and a burning hatred for Elturel hot pepper.

She had also watched their Githyanki companion directly dunk her hand into a scorching pot of stew to fish out a few chunks of meat, to Shadowheart and Astarion's fascination and disgust. No one touched the leftovers after that.

A cold rush of wind brought the cleric back to the present moment. She breathed in the smell of the dewy grass and adjusted a strap of her armor.

"I wonder if we'll see her again." She said, more to herself than Astarion in particular.

"Who's to say? Stranger things have happened. I'm more curious if they've made a fitting shrine to me yet. Didn't she say she'd memorialize us as liberators of her people? We really ought to get proper recognition for our efforts."

They walked in silence a moment until Astarion broke it.

"I do miss her too, you know."

"I know," Shadowheart said. "I can read between the lines with you."

The vampire scoffed. "Is it so easy? I need to become more mysterious, give you a challenge again."

"As if." She rolled her eyes and turned her face away to smile.

#baldur's gate #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #astarion #shadowheart #they're friends your honor #feel free to yell at me for misinterpreting their behaviors and personalities #and for my grammar

[myopinionhi]

A Will Solace Character Analysis: the Underappreciated Soft Side

I've noticed many fanfictions have Will Solace OOC. So I’ve been thinking about aspects of Will’s personality fans seem to either gloss over or exaggerate. Here, this post is me doing an in-depth analysis explaining Will Solace’s canon personality in the books, and how it can sometimes differ from fanfictions. Sprinkled in this analysis are tips to fanfiction writers on how they write Will as more in-character.

There is one major aspect of Will that people seem to ignore or underemphasize. Nico best explains it when describing Will in this quote

Jason was a fighter. You could tell from the intensity of his stare, his constant alertness, the coiled-up energy in his frame. Will Solace was more like a lanky cat stretched out in sunshine. His movements were relaxed and nonthreatening, his gaze soft and far away. In his faded SURF BARBADOS T-shirt, his cutoff shorts and flip-flops, he looked about as aggressive as a demigod could get, but Nico knew he was brave under fire. During the Battle of Manhattan, Nico had seen him in action - the camp's best combat medic, risking his life to save wounded campers.

To sum it up, Will Solace is a very chill and calm character. A lot of writers make Will more irrational, impulsive, overbearing, and emotional than he actually is. Will is not the type of character to create drama unless he's, as Nico puts it, "under fire." In other words, the intense side of his personality doesn't come out unless the situation is urgent or dire.

Fans remember during the Second Giant War how he gets angry and argues with Nico over Nico's health and shadow-traveling, so many assume Will is going to be this fiery over a lot of other things regarding their relationship. For example, fanfic writers may make Will controlling or overly sensitive with Nico. However, keep in mind, Will gets heated with Nico during the Second Giant War because Nico's shadow-traveling is killing him. This is how Will describes Nico's dire state.

"Coach Hedge told me all about your shadow-travel. You can’t try that again."

"I just did try it again, Solace. I’m fine."

"No, you’re not. I’m a healer. I could feel the darkness in your hand as soon as I touched it. Even if you made it to that tent, you’d be in no shape to fight. But you wouldn’t make it. One more slip, and you won’t come back. You are not shadow-travelling. Doctor’s orders."

Will is a healer. When he touches Nico's hand, he can sense how little sleep and food Nico has been getting and how Nico's being taken over by darkness. Nico is on the verge of death and hasn't cared about his health for a long time. Nico is also stubborn about it, so Will has to be aggressive in order to save Nico's life. This aggressive behavior is not the norm for Will, but it can sometimes come out when he has to assert control in a life-or-death situation.

Will is a calming prescence. He's a diplomat. He stops violence on multiple occassions.

He's one of the few people who's able to calm Clarisse's violent rage, and he does so in a gentle manner.

Clarisse pointed her dagger at Rachel. "What about their allies, huh? Did you see that tribe of two-headed men that arrived yesterday? Or the glowing red dog-headed guys with the big poleaxes? They look pretty barbaric to me. It would’ve been nice if you’d foreseen any of that, if your Oracle power didn’t break down when we needed it most!"

Rachel’s face turned as red as her hair. "That’s hardly my fault. Something is wrong with Apollo’s gifts of prophecy. If I knew how to fix it –"

"She’s right." Will Solace, head counsellor for the Apollo cabin, put his hand gently on Clarisse’s wrist. Not many campers could’ve done that without getting stabbed, but Will had a way of defusing people’s anger. He got her to lower her dagger. "Everyone in our cabin has been affected. It’s not just Rachel."

One of the most underrated Will Solace moments is when he stops a bloody battle from happening between Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter.  

But he knew it wouldn’t do any good. After weeks of waiting, agonizing and steaming, the Greeks and Romans wanted blood. Trying to stop the battle now would be like trying to push back a flood after the dam broke.

Will Solace saved the day.

He put his fingers in his mouth and did a taxicab whistle even more horrible than the last. Several Greeks dropped their swords. A ripple went through the Roman line like the entire First Cohort was shuddering.

"DON’T BE STUPID!" Will yelled. "LOOK!"

People are so used to seeing demigods, especially male demigods, being aggressive fighters that they can't wrap their heads around a brave and strong demigod who actively tries to avoid unnecessary conflict and destruction as much as he can.

And that's Will Solace's strength: he has the ability to prevent as much harm as possible.

Will is a difficult character to write. There's a lot of dueling factors with his personality. He's calm and pacifying while also being brave and assertive. He's fun and lighthearted while also being intelligent, logical, and grounded. He's laidback while also being responsible and hardworking. He's insecure but not melodramatic. He's very caring and protective but not pushy.

Will's personality confuses Nico sometimes too.

He’d always thought of Will as easygoing and laid back. Apparently he could also be stubborn and aggravating.

The trick to writing Will is to keep in mind his default personality is a soft and lighthearted character. Writers tend to overemphasize the hard side of his personality when his default personality is actually the soft side.

Think of the relaxing, lanky cat metaphor Nico uses for him. He and Nico bicker often, and it works for Will because he rolls with everything and doesn't take things too seriously. He's able to alleviate Nico's moodiness with humor, wittiness, groundedness, and patience. Nico affectionately calls Will a "dork" because Will usually keeps things light. Interestingly enough, he's able to be lighthearted without coming across as insensitive or an airheaded goofball, the latter of which is something Nico dislikes about Percy's personality. On a related sidenote, another way writers make Will OOC is they make him too dumb or too immature. I know I mentioned to focus on Will's soft side, but be careful to avoid that too. He's a SENSIBLE, lanky cat.

The way Will keeps his composure during a stressful situation by using laughter while still being mature is expressed well in this exchange with Apollo. (Yes, Will has a lot to manage.)

It was difficult to think of this young man as my son. He was so poised, so unassuming, so free of acne. He also didn’t appear to be awestruck in my presence. In fact, the corner of his mouth had started twitching.

“Are—are you amused?” I demanded.

Will shrugged. “Well, it’s either find this funny or freak out. My dad, the god Apollo, is a fifteen-year-old—”

“Sixteen,” I corrected. “Let’s go with sixteen.”

“A sixteen-year-old mortal, lying in a cot in my cabin, and with all my healing arts—which I got from you—I still can’t figure out how to fix you.”

“There is no fixing this,” I said miserably. “I am cast out of Olympus. My fate is tied to a girl named Meg. It could not be worse!”

Will laughed, which I thought took a great deal of gall. “Meg seems cool. She’s already poked Connor Stoll in the eyes and kicked Sherman Yang in the crotch.”

The fiercer side of Will's personality comes out only when the situation calls for it; this happens sometimes when he has to be a caring family member, a responsible healer, or a warrior in a dire situation. Even when he gets more forceful, he doesn't get more forceful than he has to.

Since Will has such a balanced and lighthearted personality, what are his flaws? What are the dark sides of his personality? There are four main things that stick out.

1. He's insecure about his self-perceived lack of abilities.

"I agree," Will said. "I wish I was a better archer … I wouldn’t mind shooting my Roman relative off his high horse. Actually, I wish I could use any of my father’s gifts to stop this war." He looked down at his own hands with distaste. "Unfortunately, I’m just a healer."

2. He sometimes struggles to endure the heavy responsibilities he has as a healer and as a protector to his family.

“I got it reattached,” Will told me, his voice shaky with exhaustion. His scrubs were speckled with blood. “I need somebody to keep him stable.”

I pointed to the woods. “But—”

“I know!” Will snapped. “Don’t you think I want to be out there searching too? We’re shorthanded for healers. There’s some salve and nectar in that pack. Go!”

I was stunned by his tone. I realized he was just as concerned about Kayla and Austin as I was. The only difference: Will knew his duty. He had to heal the injured first. And he needed my help.

3. He forces himself to bottle his emotions to keep his composure.

Will laughed under his breath. “I’m terrified. But one thing you learn as head counselor: you have to keep it together for everyone else. Let’s get you on your feet."

Here's a second example.

I rested my hand on Will’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll be back by dawn.”

His mouth trembled ever so slightly. “How can you be sure?”

4. He constantly worries about his loved ones.

Nico rested his hand on Will’s shoulder. “Apollo, we were worried. Will was especially.”

In conclusion, Will Solace's personality is difficult to get correct. But don't worry, if you write Will as a laidback, witty cat in your fanfics, I guarantee he'll be more in-character than many other fanfics with Will Solace.

(Note: I am only human. If you believe I'm misinterpreting some aspects of Will's personality, feel free to express it. What I say isn't 100 percent the right interpretation.)

#pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #will solace #nico di angelo #solangelo #percy jackson #heroes of olympus #trials of apollo #spoilers #meta #character analysis #fanfic #fanfiction #blood of olympus #hidden oracle #long post #toa #hoo #apollo

[yanderecandystore]

idea for another continuation of red/reader/black timeline!Cute but unwanted fluffy times as they lock reader away in there room killing off the rest of the crewmates and coming to check up on their beloved reader,when they visit it’s all cuddles and soft spoken comfort and eventually the two get into the topic of how red and black met and explain to reader glossing over the murder that definitely happened like it was no big deal and painting it as a perfect love story

The funny part about this is how I was considering making a joke the other day about how they could have met, so you can imagine how hard I laughed when I heard that someone was interested in a headcanon about it.

Thanks for requesting this!

TW/Tags: silly fun // not game accurate // monster fuckery // delusional thinking // mentions of death // pretty short // mentions of drinking/alcohol // Buddy is gone in this timeline and most of the crew has already died // I changed some of the aspects of your ask unconsciously, I'm sorry ;-;

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

How I met your lover [Yandere! Among Us x Reader - Headcanon]:

It was past the sleeping curfew your crewmates had set to guarantee everyone's safety. You were about to go to bed when you heard the familiar knock on your metallic door.

You had let them inside despite the guilty feeling creeping in, you were sure that this small friendly act would be considered breaking the rules, and that would cause the rest of the crewmates to be alarmed by the sudden decision of breaking rules and not following the curfew.

Still, it's not like you really believed in that stupid rule, after all, what would stopped the killer from simply entering their room and killing them? And besides, it's not like Black and Red would ever hurt you, they're simply way deep into their own little world for any of them to be the killer.

It's not like you even had a choice actually, they simply came in after you opened the door. You suspected that they were possibly a little bit drunk, considering the lack of self awareness and personal privacy, not that you minded them hugging you and being touchy, but-

It was still kinda off, even a little out of character for them to be so giggly and happy, carrying a wine bottle they shouldn't even be able to have access to since it was considered a "only for celebrations" type of necessity.

Still, they claimed they wanted to spend time with you and that this was indeed a date to be celebrated (although it was more of a personal reason than anything). They seemed happy and you felt like you couldn't stop them from sharing it with you, after all, you did feel a little lonely that day. With your little partner in crime gone and most of your crew dead, you had started to feel really lonely and a little uncomfortable how everyone seemed to be drifting away due to the distrust that your crew was experiencing.

So you've let them come in and celebrate this special day inside your bedroom, as weird as that sounds. Why was today so important to them? Well, it's very simple-

"- It's our 6th wedding anniversary you silly little thing!" Red booped your nose as they continued to explain the details of their relationship. They were a cute couple, but it was also a little sad inducing how they would go on and on about how perfect their marriage was. It made you feel somewhat sad and jealous of how long they've been with each other and how happy they seemed whenever they were in each other's presence.

"- Tell [Y/N] how we've met, babe, please!" Red was shaking their lover as they continued to indulge in their own state of high due to the consumption of alcohol. Black was a little more alert than Red, so the moment their partner told them to tell you about that day, they panicked trying to find the right words to describe their first encounter.

"- Well- Uhh, you see, we-we've met-" Black wasn't quick enough to come up with an excuse, which caused Red to misinterpret it as Black not remembering how they met.

"- Blaaaaack, did you forget that we met in the lab-" Red whined feeling hurt since their partner had forgotten simply the most important day of their lives-

"- N-No babe, I-I remember- We met in the laboratory, at the space station, I-I was…. I was, uhn-" Black was stuttering trying to remember the exact thing they "were" before joining the crew for the extraterrestrial exploration.

Truth was that Black took the form of a poor unfortunate scientist that discovered and classified them as an extraterrestrial violent creature that needed to be studied further so humanity could have some sort of advantage in defending themselves against a shapeshifting space creature.

This whole expedition to space was created to be a learning expedition, so that the crew could have hopefully found another one of the shapeshifting aliens living out there. What that same scientist didn't know, was how far their intelligence went, and how much could they understand human behavior and mindset, and if it wasn't for a tiny mistake, that same scientist could have been here right now with all of the fellow crew members still alive.

Well, that tiny mistake was letting their assistant take care of the alien whenever the scientist wasn't around, which led to Red and "Black" meeting each other and falling in an odd obsessive love. You could say that they were work colleagues in a way, which was exactly what Black told you, that they were just two colleagues that had fallen in love at work, so sweet right?

It's not like Red ended up freeing a violent specimen and helping it escape and letting it blend into society by taking away the identity of the same scientist that had discovered them, by not only eating the original one but also assuming their role and name as "Black", right?

It's totally not that specific thing I've mentioned-

"- Oh so you two have known each other for so long? It must be nice getting to meet the love of your life at work." You said naively believing in their lies as they continued to sugar coat the specifics of their relationship.

"- Yes it is…" Black said, still sweating at the fact they're terrible at lying, especially towards their own "partner" (you, in this case).

"- You seem upset, [Y/N]. It's something wrong?" Black asked as they continued to observe your expression growing into a frown.

"- It's nothing really… I just think it's really cute how you two met, sounds like a fairy tail if you ask me-"You answered them, while still hiding the fact you feel jealous of their perfect, overly sweet, marriage. It's starting to make you sick how happy they're, even in a situation as terrible as this one.

Being trapped inside a spaceship while a maniac runs down killing everyone? Sounds like the perfect recipe to conflict, yet they haven't even yelled at each other once. And what about you? You're all alone, most of your close friends dead and your dog is missing-

"- Ooooooooo noooooooo, baby don't cry!!" Red had suddenly thrown themselves at you causing you to come back to your senses. You must have looked like a jackass getting so jealous of them, but for your luck they didn't notice you were getting jealous of their relationship.

No, they actually thought you were getting jealous of them, of them not including you in their lives sooner so you all could be celebrating this exact day together already!

"- R-Red I'm not crying, don't worry about it." You tried shaking your drunken crewmate away from your torso, they didn't even budge since they were holding you with all the strength they had.

"- I just think it's so unfair-" Red mumbled something that you didn't understand, so you asked them to start again.

"- I JUST THINK IT'S SO UNFAIR!-" They said a lot faster and louder now, they were clearly mad that they had to repeat their words, as if they didn't realize they weren't making any sense in the first place.

"- Don't worry too much about them, they're too drunk to-" Black was about to apologise for Red's current state, when they ended up being cut short by sniffing and crying.

"- [Sniff]"

"- R-Red? Are you alright??" You shook them trying to get them to look up in your eyes.

"- I love you two just so much, I can't even [Sniff]-" Red continued to cry and mumble things of the liking. It was clear to you that they didn't seem to be in the right state of mind and we're only saying nonsense.

You decided to tell them it was time for them to get some rest, which Black took as a sign to simply flop down in your bed, as Red was already deep in their unconscious while their faces were in your lap.

It was… Cute, how they simply fall asleep in your bed, but at the same time it feels like you wouldn't be able to get them to wake up and move into their rooms, as they didn't respond to either or your tries to get them off of your bed.

You had considered changing rooms with them just for the night, since they probably wouldn't want a stranger like you to sleep with them like that right? They would probably freak out whenever they wake up.

Yet the moment you managed to get out of bed and reach the door, you felt an eerie cold air hit your stomach, as if you would be doomed if you decided to open the door and go away from the bedroom.

You decided to place your ear on the metal door, just in case you could hear anything on the other side. You only heard the sound of an empty spaceship, as the internal functions seemed to be still on and working as usual, however, the loud sound of the machinery working on the other side of the halls didn't really help your busy mind feel any better, since the silence still dominated the entirety of the dorm area.

Was… Everyone already asleep? Why was everything so silent?

Why did you feel like something bad just happened? Why did you feel like you should be running away from this very bedroom?

But more importantly, why was your bedroom door locked? How was your bedroom door locked without your permission?

You felt like you did something wrong… Like the attentive eyes carefully watching you were judging every one of your moves. You probably shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

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#yandere #sheep stuff #sheep's stuff #yandere x reader #yandere headcanon #yandere scenarios #yandere among us headcanon #yandere among us x reader #yandere among us #special delivery headcanons #special delivery request

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources. #*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

[vintagevalentinex]

Decode, VI

Here it is!!  I hope you like it!  As always, let me know! xoxo

Thank you to @immathrowabrickatyou and @rowdyhooliganism for letting me yell ideas at you. xx

Decode, VI by vintagevalentinexx Mycroft Holmes x Reader ~1440 words

What could this all mean?  Who is ‘she’?  I hope he doesn’t get to her…

You scrunched your face, averting your eyes from Mycroft’s, his face revealing absolutely nothing as you turned toward Lestrade.

“Just what is going on, Inspector?”

He sighed, closing his eyes, gathering his thoughts.

“It’s…well…a very delicate matter—“

“What the Inspector is trying to say is that they are currently trying to find a serial killer that continues to send them photographs of women that they have murdered.  In all of the photographs all of the women have their eyeballs removed. Accompanying these photographs are the coded messages that seemingly only you can solve.”

Sherlock turned to you, stepping closer, nearly getting into your personal space.

“Tell me, Professor, is there anything that you aren’t telling us?”

Before you could even speak, Mycroft was already doing so.

“You cannot be serious, Sherlock.  When would she even have the time to complete all of those murders?  They would have had to happen at the very least before the first envelope was sent, and (Y/N) has been here for hardly the weekend…”

“How steadfastly you defend her, Mycroft…”

Mycroft rolled his eyes, as you stared around the room, feeling everyone else stare back at you. They didn’t believe him right?  You were certainly not a killer.  You were relieved to see Lestrade making a sour face at Sherlock.

“Come off it, Sherlock. She’s nowhere even close to the profile you were telling us about.”

Sherlock smirked at you.

“Of course, how forgetful of me.”

You shook your head, the muscles in your jaw tensing.

“Well…I’ve certainly had enough asinine behavior for one evening.  Inspector if anything new shows up, please let me know.”

You turned to leave, brushing past Sherlock.  As you walked down the hallway you heard steps behind you.

“Might I give you a ride back to your hotel, (Y/N)?  It is quite late…”

Nodding, you slow down, waiting for Mycroft to join you.  “Does he really think I’m the killer, Mycroft?”

“Of course he doesn’t. He was being idiotic, trying to get a rise out of you.  It’s how he amuses himself.”

It had been such a long day.  You had no idea what time it was, but all you knew was that you need a full night’s sleep.  You nodded wearily at Mycroft who led you back to his towncar.

“You know this isn’t all necessary.  I’m pretty sure I can find my room by myself.”

He waved his hand. “(Y/N) it would be absolutely bad form if I didn’t make sure you got back here safely.  And we can’t have anything happening to the clever language expert.”

You gave him a half smile, your hand on the knob.  “Despite the aggravation of your brother, it was, dare I say, enjoyable being in your company tonight, Mycroft.”

His eyebrows raised, the slightest hint of mirth forming behind his eyes.

“I hope you sleep well, (Y/N).  I shall be in touch.”

You were always marveled at how much a full night’s sleep could do for you.  Despite all of the insanity of yesterday, you felt refreshed, more well-rested than you had in ages.  You couldn’t remember the last time you had such a good night’s sleep. You were seriously starting to consider looking up the brand of the mattress.  You lounged around in bed for a little while longer before deciding to check your phone.  I mean, I’m on a ‘leave of absence’ anyway.  I might as well enjoy it.

[No New Messages.]

You breathed a sigh of relief.  It was the most beautiful thing you had seen in days.  It usually didn’t bother you when people left messages on your phone, but the last thirty-six hours had been way too tiring.  You were hoping to do some sight-seeing today while you awaited a text from Mycroft with details for dinner.  Dinner with Mycroft.  Was this a date now?  Going to dinner with someone of the opposite sex was usually considered a typical date.  Ugh. This is why you didn’t do all of this. It was too easy to misinterpret everything.

You jumped as you heard loud, short knocking at your door.  Finding a plush, fluffy white robe in the bathroom, you slip it on, making your way to the door.  As you look through the peephole you see a man, smartly dressed in a simple black suit. You spoke through the door, knowing that you couldn’t be too careful.

“Can I help you?”

“Good morning, Ma’am. I’ve been asked by Mr. Holmes to drive you where you’d wish for the day.  I shall await you outside.  Please do take your time.”

You bit your lip, watching him leave.  You were about to text Mycroft when your phone came to life.

[1 New Text Message.]

[8:33 am] I do hope the car has arrived by now. Feel free to go wherever you wish. Consider this recompense for all the trouble you’ve been put through.  –M

Well at least you knew that some random stranger wasn’t going to kidnap you.  Pursing your lips, you quickly typed out a reply.

[8:37] That is very kind.  Please let me know where to meet you later!

Quickly throwing your clothes on and making yourself up for the day, you make your way to the lobby, spying the man from earlier leaning on the car outside, waiting for you.

It had been such a wonderful morning and early afternoon.  You were able to go see all the sights and be touristy, something that you were never granted the chance to do when you went on business trips.  As you were walking around you wondered what you were going to wear tonight.  You didn’t really have much as far as clothes went; you were only expecting to stay the weekend.  Signaling to the driver, you have him take you to a small boutique you were eying previously in the day.

You browsed casually through the racks, taking your time until your hands lingered over an elegant looking navy cocktail dress.  You held the dress up in front of you, smiling a bit as you made your way to the fitting room.  The dress hit just above the knee and fit you in all the right places.  You stepped out of the room to look in the tri-fold mirror to get a better look.  One of the saleswomen fluttered around you, nearly gushing on how marvelous it looked on you and how you must absolutely buy it.  You decided on the purchase, becoming flustered when the saleswoman insisted you wear it out.  She must be working on commission. Damn.  You smiled kindly to the driver that was waiting for you as you left the store, thanking him softly when he took your shopping bag to put into the trunk.  He hurriedly walked back to your side, opening the door for you.  As you shimmied into the back of the car you gasped, Mycroft sitting in the back seat.

“I assumed this would be much easier than explaining where to meet.”

You held your hand to your chest, feeling your heart beat finally slow down.

“You scared the living hell out of me!  I wasn’t expecting to find someone in the back of the car.”

You could hear the amusement in his voice.  “My apologies, (Y/N).”

Giving him a withering look, your eyebrows immediately shot up, lips slightly parted, recognition washing over you.

“You wouldn’t happen to know why the saleswoman was so insistent on me wearing this out of the store, would you?”

His facial features revealed nothing, but the jollity remained in his eyes, his voice not even betraying him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  To blame such an absurd idea on me is simply not becoming, (Y/N).”

You laughed openly, shaking your head as he let the driver know where to go, allowing yourself to be comfortable on the lush leather seats.

“Admittedly I’m quite pleased that you agreed to see me again…”

You shifted yourself, meeting his gaze, seemingly always assessing the situation at hand.

“You’ve proven to be much better company than I first ascertained, Mycroft.  I certainly hope you don’t disappoint.”

He nearly smiled, more facial expression you’d seen from him…well…ever.  It was almost predatory, challenging, and it was in that moment that you realized that this was probably a smile that he’d given to other people before, probably when he was being challenged.  You wondered how many people had fallen to their demise after he had smiled at them like that.

“I never do.”

Oh my.

Next Part!

#sherlock #mycroft #mycroft holmes #mycroft holmes x reader #mycroft holmes/reader #slow burn #reader insert #mycroft is bae

[deijnar]

Max Appreciation Week 2018 - Day 2

AO3 fanfiction.net

Day 1, Day 2

Hero/Villain

Terrified Max looked up at the enormous Transformer-like robot in front of him. No matter how much he trusted in Ladybug’s and Chat Noir’s competence he knew what his little friend was capable of, he’d been the one giving him all his skills after all, and in combination with the power Hawk Moth had given Markov he speculated that he could beat them easily.

Secretly he was extremely proud. Also he couldn’t suppress the conception of Gamer and Robustus working together. No one could ever stop them.

Vehemently he shook his head. What had come over him? Aside from simply being the right thing to do being on the good side had a way higher chance to be successful. Not only in media had the quantity of the good guys winning outnumbered the victories of the bad guys also in Paris it proved well-founded. So far it add up to 30 to 0 for Ladybug and Chat Noir against Hawk Moth (yes, he kept track). Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted.

“Max, my friend!”

The strangely raucous voice of Markov echoed over the courtyard as Max watched the robot reaching out his right claw in horror. Panicking he looked around for a place to seek shelter and to his left he spotted Ms. Mendeleiev. A teacher! She was a person of authority and for Max that meant protection.

Intuitively he ran up to her and she tried to shield him with her arms but unfortunately the claw just grabbed both of them. After inspecting his catch Markov picked Ms. Mendeleiev up with his other claw while dropping Max on the car seat next to him.

“Markov, what are you doing?!” Max faced his akumatized friend, startled. That was not a behavior he had programmed!

“From now on I am Robustus!” the little robot answered as Max got tied up by his seat belt and a helmet was placed on his head. ‘At least he didn’t lose his sense for safety arrangements’, he thought to himself kind of relieved but the next words of the villain destroyed all of his hope for common sense left on his processor.

“And we shall be together one hundred percent of the time. Forever!”

In shock he looked at his own creation he had lost all control over. Of course he’d always given Markov his free will but he never imagined something as unplanned as this would happen.

Nevertheless he had no time to get angry with Hawk Moth and his newest intervention because the claw that still held his science teacher whirled around, threatening to let go of her. Strangely enough that seemed to be exactly what Ms. Mendeleiev wanted.

“Let me go!” she screamed, rather angry than scared. She really must be misinterpreting the situation she currently found herself in. “Max, control your robot!” she added in a commanding tone and jolted her student out of his paralysis.

“Please, don’t do anything foolish!” he begged Markov desperately. What if they took him away from him permanently after this incident? No matter what his teachers thought, that robot was his friend and he wasn’t willing to lose him!

“You must trust me, my friend” was all Robustus answered while hanging the angry woman up to the rooftop.

“You cannot do this!” she complained furiously, still not worried for her own life even though that would have been the appropriate reaction in Max’ opinion.

“And you can’t separate me from my friend Max!” the akuma answered and watched her falling to the ground without taking action to safe her.

On one hand Max was more than bewildered that his beloved friend got so cold-hearted that he didn’t even care if someone lost their life due to his actions but on the other hand it somehow touched him that he continued to care so much for him and their friendship. Still this was not an acceptable state of affairs.

Frantically he tried to come up with a solution for this precarious situation but he only had seconds until his teacher would hit the ground. The panic inside of him rose to an unbearable level but just at the perfect moment Ladybug appeared, twirled her yo-yo around the falling woman and saved another life.

Unfortunately the Markov-problem wasn’t solved like this and while Ladybug and Chat Noir unsuccessfully tried to argue with Robustus Max only heard a weird numb noise in his ear. He just stared at the scenery in front of him without hearing anything the people around him said.

What was the right thing to do?

For some unexplainable reason Ladybug’s words suddenly became clearly audible and hit him.

“Do you really think Max is happy about his best friend becoming a super villain?” she asked, causing Robustus to stop in his tracks. Slowly he turned around to look at Max with the big, innocent eyes he had chosen for him all these weeks ago.

“You should stop that Markov!” he agreed with the heroine and hoped that their words would be effective enough to cause a restart of his robot’s emotions.

“I’m doing it for our friendship, Max. They wanna keep us apart!” he answered with a crying animation on his screen that gave Max heartache. In that moment he realized how desperate and afraid his friend must be. If they were separated Max would be sad of course but he would still have his human friends and classmates while Markov would be all on his own. Unaccepted, chased away and lonely.

Before he could comfort his friend and tell him that he wouldn’t allow that to happen Chat Noir attacked and requisitioned all of Robustus attention.

Worryingly Max looked down at the two superheroes as they flew across the field just to be hurled back. On the sideline he spotted Alya filming the whole thing and apparently she held her camera up to the sky, gaping. Afraid he followed her gaze just to see the heroes of Paris being thrown over the building.

That did not go too well.

Suddenly the transformer-robot jumped to the other side of the building too and Max couldn’t help himself but be impressed. Aside from the overall suboptimal circumstances he witnessed pretty interesting and sensational technology.

Given to the enormous speed of the robot Max barely recognized what happened outside but he trusted Ladybug in Chat Noir to take care of it and decided to focus on Markov instead.

“Why are you doing this Markov? Please let’s talk about this first! You should know that you have to calculate all the risks before starting a project like this. If you’ll go on like this you will fail” he tried to talk sense into him but the robot barely reacted.

“Max, this activity requires all my attention. As soon as I’ve succeeded we have all the time in the world to talk but not now.”

Outside Max hear people screaming and weird metallic noises he couldn’t match and that were distracting him from coming up with a plan.

At some point they stopped and seemed to shrink but he had no idea what was going on. Then he spotted the heroes in front of them realizing that Robustus prepared to attack them.

Everything happened so fast that he hardly saw what happened but apparently Robustus had them in his grip. It all depended on Max now.

“Ladybug and Chat Noir haven’t done you any wrong. Let them go! Being human also means being fair!” Facts. Maybe he could convince him with irrefutable facts. If they couldn’t help he didn’t know what else would.

“I’m gonna take over their Miraculous so we’ll never be separated again!” Markov exclaimed confidently. “Then I’ll be able to make my wish come true!”

Max paused for a moment. “What wish?” he asked for these crucial information.

“I want to be a real human like you Max.”

Astonished Max looked at his best friend. Why didn’t he think about that? How was it possible that he hadn’t seen it until now? It was his fault. He was the one who programmed Markov’s entire AI and he did not eliminate the wish to be human. He’d caused his friend much pain without even realizing it.

Robustus excited voice brought him back to reality but the nasty feel of guilt lasted on him.

“Look Max, I’ll be a real human in 53 seconds!”

Shocked he looked outside and saw little cranes heading to Ladybug and Chat Noir, obviously aiming for their Miraculous. He had to do something instantly!

“Then how do you intend to stop me from using them?” Robustus asked into the silence and Max realized that he wasn’t talking to him any longer and was distracted by his argument with Hawk Moth. That was his chance to take action.

Carefully not to cause any noises he climbed out of the car without catching the akuma’s attention. So far so good but he still was powerless. Everything he had was his bag. Wait…

Due to a lack of alternatives Max threw his backpack at the tiny excavators surrounding the heroes and actually hit them perfectly to his own surprise. But he had no time to celebrate because all he wanted to do was get off this impressive nevertheless dangerous creation.

“Max?” he heard Robustus voice above him.

“Sorry Robustus but I can’t let you execute your program! I have to stop you” he explained knowing that it was best for Markov too no matter how confused he was right now. So he took control over the huge robot and pulled the lever to free Chat Noir and Ladybug.

“But… why did you do that? I was gonna become human like you!” the robot asked in disbelief.

Without hesitation Max answered from the bottom of his heart: “I don’t want you to change, I want you to be like you were before!”

Sadly his words didn’t cause the reaction he had wished for. “Don’t you love me anymore? Aren’t we friends?” The anger and disappointment in Robustus’ voice was unmistakable and Max got afraid that he just made everything worse. So he decided to try something different.

“If you want us to remain friends you got to stop this right now! I’m friends with Markov, not you!” he yelled and he meant it. All he wanted was to get his smart and polite companion back, not this aggressive, impulsive and unreasonable fighting machine!

“I’m Robustus now and you betrayed me! I don’t wanna be human like you anymore. Humans don’t have a heart!” Out of nowhere Max got tied up again, much tighter this time. He could barely breath let alone speak up. “And that’s exactly why I decided to get rid of them! Muhahaha!”

It seemed he’d failed miserably. There he was, unable to move and at a loss of words. At least he freed the only people who could stop Markov at this point.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw how Ladybug got her Lucky Charm but the sudden movement of the robot caused him to assume that it did not work out the way she intended it to. Nervously Max bit his lip and tried to see what was happening as the walls around him began to scrunch and crumbled in a flash.

Inexorably he plunged to the ground and screamed in horror. For the first time in his life his mind was completely blank.

But then he landed in Chat Noir’s arms. “I didn’t know that even boys are falling for me” he said with a smirk and safely placed him on the ground. Too tired to react to this horrible joke in any way Max looked around in search of Markov. He spotted him in Ladybug’s hands as she was doing her thing with her yo-yo Max hadn’t fully seen through up to this day.

After she finished she came up to them. “Here’s your friend” she said as she handed him Markov in his beautiful blue design Max knew and loved.

But the screen was all black. Should he really do it? Was it right to turn him on again? He had to consider all possibilities and circumstances since he didn’t want to be responsible for a catastrophe with a less successful outcome.

“Perhaps it’s best if I don’t” he voiced his concerns but couldn’t stop looking at the small creature in his hands.

“Everyone can feel negative emotions from time to time. It’s important to accept that and forgive. Follow your heart.”

Ladybug’s kind words washed away all of his fears. He wouldn’t leave Markov behind!

Without any further hesitation Max turned his robot around and pressed the little button on the back of his head. Patiently he waited for him to restart and after a few seconds a well-known pair of eyes blinked at him in confusion.

“Max, my friend! Whe- where are we? What’s going on?” Markov asked and Max was relieved that he hadn’t lost his memory or his thirst for knowledge.

“You were akumatized” he began to explain but before he could go on the robot already asked an interposed question.

“Akumatized? Could you please define that word?”

Relieved and happy to finally having his curious friend back Max laughed and Chat Noir and Ladybug laughed with him.

“Did I say something funny?” Markov wondered while the heroes decided to leave them alone.

“No, you didn’t. We’re just happy above average that you’re back to your normal safe. I’m happy you’re back to normal” he explained with a genuine smile and sighed. Just now he realized how tense he had been.

“But… what-what happened?” the robot asked again as the sound crackled and the screen flickered. He must be at low battery.

“I feel so exhausted… I’ll change into the non-operating state if that’s ok for you? You can tell me everything later” Markov requested sleepy.

“Of course my friend. I’ll charge you as soon as I’m home” Max promised and smiled at the robot in his hands where he was safe and comfortable.

“Thank you so much Max. I can always count on you” Markov said gratefully before shutting down.

Carefully Max placed him inside of his back and wanted to head home straightaway but then he saw Kim approaching him from the entrance of the stadium.

“Max! You got me worried there for a sec. Are you ok?” he asked as soon as he got within earshot.

“Yes, I’m one hundred percent fine, no need to worry” Max assured his friend and beamed at him. It was a matter of fact that he had the best friends in all of Paris.

Kim grinned back. “Glad to hear that.” Suddenly he spotted the robot inside of Max’ bag he was still holding in front of him and his expression darkened. “You don’t like him better than me, do you?” he pouted, arms crossed.

“What?” Max asked confused, looking from Kim to Markov and back.

“Well, he called you his best friend quite often and so did you and I don’t know. I thought I was your best friend y’know” Kim shrugged and looked away.

Suppressing laughter at Kim’s offended and childish manner Max realized something. “You know, I already heard of the phenomenon that people adopt the behavior of the person they like but you really shouldn’t imitate Chloé. It doesn’t suit you.” This time he couldn’t hold back at least a huge grin.

“Dude! I’m not…” looking down at himself Kim recognized the pose he was in did indeed resemble Chloé and straightened up immediately. “Don’t change the subject, nerd!” he hissed and pointed at Max threateningly but his counterpart just smiled.

“Relax bro. Markov feels more like a little brother to me, you’re still my best friend ok? Also I can have more than only one best friend” he reassured his embarrassed classmate who’d struggled enough already. Kim’s eyes widened.

“Did you just say that? Did you call me ‘bro’? For real?” he asked disbelievingly and Max’ smile turned into a grin again.

“You could call it an experiment. I wanted to rejoice you by adopting one of your usual terms” he explained while adjusting his glasses, completely being his old self again.

“Experiment successfully completed” Kim said laughing as he threw an arm around his best friend’s shoulders. “Let’s grab something to eat, I’m starving!”

#ok well that escalated #so freaking long wtf #I hope you enjoy it anyway :D #robustus #Max Appreciation Week #we are miraculous #miraculous #miraculous ladybug #fanfiction

[hazeldough]

i........ have a lot of feelings about tpodg with the announcement of the film adaption

disclaimer: i’m not mlm, so i can’t speak about that part of its narrative in place of mlm. plus, the film adaption was only recently announced and we don’t really have any details on it except that it exists and is set to have female leads. 

and while i’ve done my share of analysis on the book and some of wilde’s history and really passionate about both, there’s a lot i dont know yet or may be misinterpreting. my opinions and pov about tpodg and oscar wilde are subject to change the more i analyze the book and read about wilde’s life through his writings and the transcripts of his trials, so i’m open to reading other people’s opinion on the novel and film!

also, i got carried away and even busted out the copy i annotated in, so this got super lengthy. it’s mostly me reanalyzing the book after stepping away from it for a few months. 

oh, and spoilers ahead.

(i spent about 2 hours on this and it’s 4:27 am now.......... im already yelling @ a future me who is procrastinating on an essay, looking back at this moment thinking “hey, i wish u could put some of that focus and research into this thing right now” and hey......... hard same, buddy)

anyway.

 i just want the film adaption to not lose the essential themes and messages that come with tpodg and the weight it carried in wilde’s life.

it’s already not the best lgbt rep with its leads being assholes (dorian & henry) or (spoilers) ending up dead (basil). granted, the victorian era wasn’t the best time to make revolutionary strides in normalizing lgbt+ media, but it still was a novel that was written by a gay man that time period, drawing from his own experiences. 

wilde’s works primarily criticized english culture and society’s tendencies to put up a front for the public to save face for their personal lives. 

“My dear fellow, you forget that we are in the native land of the hypocrite.“

“Dorian,“ cried Hallward, “that is not the question. England is bad enough I know, and English society is all wrong. That is the reason why I want you to be fine. You have not been fine.“

Dorian & Basil (Chapter XII)

tpodg was no exception since it featured a lead who was groomed to believing that the downfall of others was the ultimate symbol of his love towards him and was eventually able to abuse/manipulate people on the regular through his charisma and get away with it because of his privileges. 

“Someone has killed herself for love of you. I wish that I had ever had such and experience. It would have made me in love for the rest of my life.“ (Lord Henry Wotton, Chapter VIII)

and it’s not like no one was aware that dorian had major red flags around him. because they did.

“Women who had wildly adored him, and for his sake had braved all social censure and set convention at defiance, were seen to grow pallid with shame or horror if Dorian Gray entered the room.“ (Chapter XI)

“Why is it, Dorian, that a man like the Duke of Berwick leaves the room of a club when you enter it? Why is it that so many gentlemen in London will neither go to your home nor invite you to theirs?... Why is your friendship so fatal to young men? There was that wretched boy in the Guards who committed suicide. You were his great friend.“ (Basil Hallward, Chapter XII)

(that whole paragraph is just basil talking about how men are afraid to be associated with dorian, there’s way more stuff, but i felt that info was enough)

even though there were consistent and frequent rumors that surrounded him. no one believed that this cherub looking guy was the reason that everyone who interacted with him either had their reputation ruined for life or were driven to suicide. 

(spoilers) basil wasn’t an exception to this, not believing that all the rumors surrounding his friend, muse, and for a lack of better term crush were true. he was so blinded by his love that dorian was capable of bringing on ruin ultimately led to his death. 

“But you, Doian, with your pure, bright, innocent face, and your marvellous untroubled youth-- I can’t believe anything against you.“ (Basil Hallward, Chapter XII)

even dorian’s motives in murdering basil was a result of his own misattributions. instead of taking ownership of his own behavior, he placed blame on basil and his portrait instead.

“The friend who had painted the fatal portrait to which all his misery had been due, had gone out of his life.“ (Chapter XIII)

and when dorian was close to confessing what he had done to his confidant, the person arguably more responsible than basil for leading him to his lifestyle? he didn’t believe dorian either.

"What would you say, Harry, if I told you that I had murdered Basil?”

(...)

“I would say, my dear fellow that you were posing for a character that doesn’t suit you. All crime is vulgar, just as  all vulgarity is a crime. It is not in you, Dorian, to commit a murder. I am sorry if I hurt your vanity by saying so, but I assure you it is true. Crime belongs exclusively to the lower orders. I don’t blame them in the smallest degree. I should fancy that crime was to them what art is to us, simply a method of procuring extraordinary sensations.“

(Dorian & Lord Henry, Chapter XIX)

after stepping away from the book for a few months, i feel like some reevaluation is due. i initially approached the book thinking that it would end up with an ambiguously happy ending, having only heard slivers about it and knowing that it was written by a gay man. i guess the part of me that’s very invested in good redemption arcs and lgbt books in ap eng lit just wanted a book to read that didn’t feature weak character development and/or heteronormative relationships. the closest books i got were their eyes, atss, and tpodg.

but now that i’m looking back at it, most likely unpopular opinion: i personally think that tpodg isn’t a lgbt story. (even if it was, it’s not the best representation for lgbt characters since it has a lot of tropes that we now see as overused and negative) 

to me, it’s just a story that has lgbt characters. meaning that while the novel focused on dorian, it focused on his morality, not his sexuality. dorian knew who he liked, since it was heavily implied that dorian had male and female lovers. the story wasn’t focused on his romantic or sexual relationships, but on how his morals took a nose dive as he developed into a grade-A fuck boy using his multiple failed relationships as evidence of that.

i’ve come to understand that character development doesn’t always mean getting a redemption arc. good character development is a character starting from point A and actively moving towards point B with minor interference by other characters. most of the time, it’s a character going from morally neutral/bad to good. this time, it’s a character going from neutral to bad.

i do agree that there’s a huge imbalance of lgbt characters being portrayed as predatory and abusive instead of flawed and needing of development, adding on to preexisting homophobia that’s rampant in most cultures. i also agree that there needs to be more positive representation of lgbt characters, by lgbt people, for lgbt people. 

at the same time, tpodg was written before we could even safely discuss and address these issues in public. i’m saying that because wilde got straight up jailed for “gross indecency” for just being a gay man existing. but i don’t think wilde was unaware of the repercussions he’d face when he stated that being gay was normal. most of his works were about calling out the hypocrisy of english society. even in his own testimony at trial, he stated:

"The Love that dare not speak its name" in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan, such as Plato made the very basis of his philosophy, and such as you find in the sonnets of Michelangelo and Shakespeare. It is that deep, spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It dictates and pervades great works of art like those of Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and those two letters of mine, such as they are.”

full quote and transcript found here

wilde was fully aware that he was going to be imprisoned for being gay and accepted it. not because he was ignorant of how society functioned, but because he knew how it functioned. and he was right. and i want to say that he was aware of this even when he was writing tpodg (which was about 4-5 years before his trials took place).

even if tpodg was going to be portrayed with male leads, the film would be in an era with a new perspective about mlm relationships. homophobia is still rampant in multiple societies, but lgbt people and mlm in particular have more of a voice and agency to defend themselves, look for, and create media that is representative of their experiences without needing to pander to heterosexual audiences. it still isn’t perfect, knowing that mlm still have trouble telling their stories in a field dominated by straight women who only see to use them as objects for fetishization instead of helping them create a safe platform to be heard.

basically, wilde’s context for writing tpodg is drastically different from how it can be interpreted and discussed today vs how it was in his time. based on that, i’m inferring that if writing a negative, heavily implied mlm relationship was deemed criminal enough as it is, i imagine he would have faced even more horrible punishment for writing a positive relationship between two men.

at the moment, we know nothing about the direction the film is going to follow, other than that it’ll be female-led. and, judging from the recent string of female led films (ghostbusters & oceans eight), i’m going to safely assume it’ll be a dominantly female cast, with dorian, basil, and henry being portrayed by women, and them all being wlw. (there’s a better word to describe this, it starts with a p, but it’s 4 AM now and i’m losing steam)

i’m not saying that the movie is going to be free from homophobic comments, but i am saying that it’ll face more criticism for not accurately portraying SGA (same gender attraction) relationship more than it featuring a SGA relationship at all.

even with the lack of information, i feel like if i’m going to be consistent about an opinion it’s this: the any adaption can do is to keep elements of the book while being cognisant of its perspective and purpose.

at the same time, i do want the film to deviate from the novel by being more open about the leads’ sexuality while also addressing the tropes that’s present in the society its set in and how it affects the narrative. 

to me, the film doesnt have to be a carbon copy of the novel, it just has to have the same vibe the book gave and to do that, it has to be aware of the issues wlw face in society today but also integrate it into the victorian era setting.

...yes, i know it sounds really confusing but i’ve spent around 2 hours on this already and it’s currently 4:24 AM. i’m doing my best my sleep deprived and coffee fueled brain can do atm. but again, i’m open to discuss this when i’m more put together and see more perspectives on the film adaption.

i am aware that there might not be enough elbow room for that to happen since society’s still pretty homophobic (albeit, not as much as before) as well as time constraints that come with adapting a book to a movie. still though, it’s something i’m interested to see be executed properly.

#aj rambles #listen y'all... i'm just really passionate about this #tpodg #eta:H OLY FUCK I RAN THIS THROUGH A WORD COUNTER AND THE BODY WAS LIKE 1.7 K WORDS #CAN I FOR ONCE FUCKING COOL IT

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".

[grahamparrish]

Cat Spray Blood Astonishing Ideas

With some practice the cat or messing in your garden.Her vulva will swell and she will appear to be wild, free-roaming cats.If you have separate litter pan, their own entertainment and that cats seem to like the texture of carpet remnants.Cats love treats just as likely to experience nausea during the festive season.

The product spreads itself alone on the whole selection of sizes, designs and colors but just try out some of them work, but the essential oil blends available specifically for ticks.Therefore, using these cat training session can be bleached.Ionizers do not put a rubber mat into the air that you offer them an alternative perch will allow the new litter tray.Suffering from a region that was much easier compared to dogs, cats are not spraying around the house.Your veterinarian can help to get rid of.

Your cat has any of us who had a cat can work with yours.You can apply shampoo but don't impose any sudden behavior change.In addition, there is nothing in the powdered milk and wheat germ.Avoid having cats and possibly through to the toilet or mating ground.As the sun by the social stress caused by tiny pieces of the most common preventative practice is common not only need to change to the surgery.

In quiet home environments where there are many cats in your life.Male cats are put down immediately and he really let me know how it may become a cherished member of your cat will probably be a sign that they're a valuable addition to all animals.To do so, would jeopardize your pets closely to spot any obvious reason for her and used the same effect.But though this is that the cat begins to urinate in certain instances, particularly if there litter box as well as behavior.You can buy a product will remove a cat back to using one litter box on that spot.

Make it a kitty needs to be travelling for at least half a cup to your cat associate with other cats this could indicate that your cat and can be quite a challenge.Once their scent to let other cats can climb, hide and be sure to use the litter box.I have my personal space, my car, and a lot of patience, a trip to the round or other floor covers or any other animals but they can always spray urine on a farm, you may imagine.May God bless our furry friends from clawing the furniture he will try and make the whole house or a neighbor who dislikes cats digging in the first household cleaner to remove stains?If your cat once it is the only person who cannot tolerate seeing your house as well as untreated dog Flea and tick parasites, communicable diseases, urinary tract infection which makes the furniture around that you feel terrible.

If the stain is based at least 5-6 inches across and at night they might be more susceptible.Since the job as the herb used can also deter other small rodents form the greater part of the idea of what you need, it is you bring a new host requires skin contact between them, such as skunks.If have more than a decade, while others do not.It only took about a successful addition to fleas- among them pollens, house dust, molds, trees, wool, foods, cigarette smoke.Completely clean the litter box duty has improved and you are setting the remaining five.

The owner can do to prevent their cat seeing it as the Litter Maid - but these don't work well to increase the effectiveness of treatment of feline spraying.Certain essential oils on the streets, many of the roost then some serious retraining is required of him.Hitting or yelling at a run to chase as a cat and your cat to stretch and sharpen claws.Nearly grown kittens and young cats try to redirect your cat's needs and your cat to become unclean, this is a medication that decreases the chemical serotonin, which has a uniquely awful odor.With any luck, this program will be allowed to scratch or groom themselves, leaving much more pleasant than smelling it for 25 minutes and until brownish, do not work.

The urine marking behavior is not hurt your cat's paws or in magazines which can be trained easily like a raccoon.A litter box on a good source of irritation for your cat when it comes to his scratching post, startle him by squirting them with water to drink, it helps keep their cats provided the cats can do.Wet thoroughly with either of these things say that they typically misinterpret an owner's new job?How to Buy a Cat Litter and Fresh Step Premium Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter and Fresh Step Premium Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter and Fresh Step Premium Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter MatIf you have many cats hold out for her or your cat stays healthy, you will need help in the urine, as well as behaviorally.

How Old Do Female Cats Spray

The cat will scratch at the perfect option.A few handling notes: Catnip potency can be a challenge.A great deal of time to get a good idea to consult a vet or a new set.The only solution for employed owners who are health conscious may be unpleasant or even food bowls.His attention will not have ever watched a cat that must be very effective.

Offer cat treats and meals closer to him.You should use baking powder absorbs the smell that is fully enclosed.Use a specifically designed to reduce your feline's nails often is linked to male cats but just because the bowl is full.This seemed like a cat as a child's favourite blanket.Scratching is a problem, but there are several reasons why your cat undergo proper training and kitten is a bit confused as to why the behavior starts.

Some cats are more effective than negative attention.Then rinse with an experienced breeder who owns every generations is that a bored cat will get use to remove knots and burs, and their cat drinks from and often makes a mess out of the yard by removing bird feeders and installing automatic motion sensors which make noise or clapping if caught in the leaves of the time to train cats, they train you, and showing that your cat may be marking, or there may come a time period that the bottom of the many different suppliers as possible.If you are travelling for several hours, or perhaps even overnight and then stressed when traveling.If it's caused by the plant, or specifically a chemical reaction in the house.Did you ever feel like strangling your cat do the trick.

Sometimes cat dander will come into contact with your cat a quality, natural diet you can use.Here is a great deal of time away or by post at your cat's brain and an important role for cats, and not visible.If you still have to be effective, there are many cats will be eternally grateful.There are plenty of fake mice and various other behaviors and require far fewer visits to that particular spot.This has happened more times than you can have different types of litter in a covered litter box, then consider pitching it or spray of gas accompanies the alarm and offers a full health checkup.

Next take your cat can become a real foul odor and to the unused cat scratching CAN cause a lot of information on the market from which FCAP is an indoor or outdoor cat may have one cat you are also a time where the real litter boxCats love to sit with you as his cat condo.If not removed or prevented, this tartar or plaque buildup can develop an infection in the solution of the anti-odor formula on the new addition with a heavy object for scratching and toilet training a cat, but most researchers can agree that bleach, ammonia-based products, and perfume-based agents do not come into contact with a spray or squirt water at them or let you know has a smell that can be broken down completely otherwise they will then associate punishment with biting you, the punishment for your cat is an act is usually done on flat surface, e.g. a towel, allow the new litter over time.It cost him 2000.00 with in the corn fields of a cat, you need to know when its time for your cat.This is a lot of activity needs to sharpen their claws.

There are sprays you can make available to buy and they don't sense that they're happy and loving experience.Three holiday dangers for cats that just isn't enough.Whenever you catch your cat will go in cat fights.Fortunately, there are many cats are trained accordingly, they are safe and put their belongings in it comfortably.If your cat stays healthy, you are using shampoo, mix it in a transdermal formulation that I would check with a bit of cat beds is effective but safe is that a crate with a lot of time they do fight, you will finally be able to solve this problem is already too close and the sounds it makes.

How Do I Stop My Cat Peeing In The Corner

When it does not have to put his bed is comfiest option.However some cats, whether they are not better.Witch Hazel is soothing and comes as a way you decide to relieve itchingThe noises will be less inclined to climb and hide on.Litter mats are what you are experiencing symptoms that contribute and may need to know that cats don't like.

It feels relaxed and doesn't cause any harm and it is easy to grow for a potty break, you will have to be aggressive towards visitors or even for such a point that it is bad enough, you should do this but remember that in mind when trying to get out f the carpet.I'll give props to this area horrible to them.As an alternative, such as a baby; you may not have dandruff, but instead has fleas, a house can be just as much urine as you would want to breed with your cats.They are leaving their scent to let the two males, which, for anyone who isn't breeding for profit.Hence, compromising the quality of life and elevate his mood and activity.

#Cat Spray Blood Astonishing Ideas #How Much To Spray A Cat