#don’t want to die as much anymore!

[voiceshearingyouloud]

I was feeling extremely suicidal today, like the worst I have in maybe four or five years now, and I was deliberating over whether I should go to the hospital like pretty much all day and now that I feel better I realise that the moment I started drafting my suicide note in my head was probably when I should’ve decided that 😭

#it’s so hard to think logically in the moment though; and I didn’t want to worry my dad or my partner #even though me killing myself would hurt them more obviously lol #I’m glad I feel better though #finally at like 5pm after doing all the chores and getting dressed and making meals and napping and going outside and exercising and calling #people and watching my favourite things #and none of it made even the slightest difference #(and I was drafting my suicide note) #I was like alright I need to do something about this because I’m gonna get exhausted and lose the fight pretty soon #which is always how my suicidality has been #I’ve never made a plan I’ve just come very very close to being worn down by the constant obsession and just giving in #which is hard to explain to ER nurses! #anyway. as soon as I decided that it instantly was like a cloud went away so that was weird as hell and I still don’t get it but at least I #don’t want to die as much anymore! #I’m seriously good now; like just normal sad and tired #but it does scare me that it took me so long to decide to go to the hospital #cause that was really cutting it close for a while there 😬 #I don’t trust myself to get it right the next time. but hopefully I’ll remember this and just go #anne speaks #now I’m just dying over how hilarious it was that I was literally drafting my suicide note and still was like hmm I wouldn’t want to worry #my partner so I don’t think it’s wise to go to the hospital. #like girl?? what??? #suicidality tw #tw suicidality #suicide mention #suicide tw #tw suicide #all the trigger tags cause this post is pretty graphic lol #but anyway I’m totally safe now #wouldn’t want anyone to worry if you’re the type to worry about this #:-)

[papertowness]

admittedly one of my favorite things about house ( that also drives me up a wall ) is that something Really Big happens and then the next episode they like loosely mention it like wow wasn’t it crazy that that happened . anyway haha

#once again i’ve just finished s2 so don’t tell me about any plotlines i do not know ab ‼️‼️ #like okay i UNDERSTAND that so many things happen in episodes to keep you engaged but like #i want it to linger . #i want sore relationships that don’t fit i want i love you but i’ve looked into your eyes as you crumbled so i keep you at arms length #because i don’t know if i can be there to hold your hand the next time i don’t know if i can do that again #i want i love you but i can’t live without this piece of my heart anymore and you proved it #i want characters to look at each other both thinking of The Thing They Can’t Say #because of the thing that happened . #anyways this is about foreman almost dying this is about house getting shot this is about wilson sleeping with his patient #this is about chase’s dad dying this is about chase letting his patient die this is about cameron’s husband #this is about house’s parents this is about wilson giving up his job to defend house this is about stacy this is about #they have so much good ANGST that has the potential to make their relationships unhealthily dependent #and i . #i need to eat it up #house #house md #gregory house #greg house #hilson #houseposting #lgbtq #lgbt

[girlyteengirl16]

i’ve never hated anyone more than i hate myself

#i’m so funny pls kill me i desperately want to die idk how much i can take i hate myself i want to kill myself #this account is a cry for help pls help me #im crying rn #mentally unstable #i wanna kms #pls god kill me #i don’t want to breathe anymore #pls i don’t like feeling like this #trauma #tw depressing stuff #i want to be okay #tw depressing thoughts #i’m so tired of living

[nicolibbyquotes]

“Other lives, other existences, it didn't matter. They were polarities, and wherever they went, his half would always find hers.”

- “The Atlas Complex” by Olivie Blake

#HIS HALF WOULD ALWAYS FIND HERS #SOULMATES AND TOGETHER IN EVERY LIFE #no doubt if he didn’t die they would have been together in this one too #THEY ARE INSANE #like insane insane #nicolibby really won in TAC #like every lifetime endgame??? #who else can say that??? #love my soulmates #one of their many bangers from this book #and seeing as it’s my birthday I needed to post one #hope all the antis were crying reading about how much they love each other #and how Nico defines love by his connection with Libby and how Libby loves Nico more than any of the other 6 could love each other #sorry the amount of shit I went through in this toxic fandom made me not even want to be part of it anymore #and I don’t even post anything about a different ship or characters I don’t like on any platform #yet people can’t just leave me alone for liking nicolibby so I’m being petty #nicolibby #libbynico #nicolibby quotes #libbynico quotes #nico x libby #libby x nico #libby rhodes #nico de varona #olivie blake #the atlas series #the atlas complex #tac #the atlas complex spoilers #tac spoilers

[wawataka]

i don’t know what to do about this cat i’m feeding. sigh

#is this a vent? who knows #i’ve been feeding this cat for the better part of three months now? i’m not sure if he’s getting better #it seems like he isn’t changing much. he doesn’t seem worse but he doesn’t seem better either #i want to take him to the vet but i’d only have enough for a check up. not for anything else that might come up after #but this cat isn’t mine ​and he has owners. they just don’t take care of him anymore i guess #but i don’t know if they would still care or not if he gets taken. i don’t want to get in trouble for that #but i also don’t want to ask if they’d give up their ownership because i can’t have him either #like i can afford to feed him but not house him. not anything else #my stinky landlord doesn’t allow pets. only if we cough up an extra $300 a month would she “gracefully” allow us to have a cat #i guess i’m just frustrated with this entire thing. i don’t want him to die. but i can’t afford to have him either #cnp rants

[delicateimage]

Hey girlies update time… I’ve been sent to a clinic for my weight and it’s been really stressful and my life is kinda falling apart lol there’s defiantly good aspects to it but ughhh I’m like :( bc my diets had to change so much and I feel so unproductive now and I’m really scared about gaining weight but they’d said I’d like die or whatever if I didn’t which um. I genuinely feel so disgusting heavy and sick and disgusting and DISGUSTIGN eww and my disordered eating brain is coming back in full force after silently controlling me for like nearly years at this point and it’s all so much. the hardest thing about this is that I don’t want to gain weight at all and particularly I don’t really even care to live anymore. I’m scared everyday I’ll fall deeper and deeper back into disordered eating I’ll get lonelier and lonelier I’ll get fatter and fatter I’ll lose everything I’ve ever built for myself… ugh this is a mess but ong.

#it’s hard because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging like HEYYYY I GOT HOSPITALOZED FOR BEING A SKINNY QUEEN YASS but omg I can’t #this is so sickening I feel so fat and disgusting there were two days where I could feel like I could eat the calorie count they gave me but #now I feel like a FAT FUCKING BEKUGA WHALE I feel like I gained 40 pounds in a day I feel so hulking and disgusting I’m eating so much ew #the self harming intentions came back because I lost my only form of control over my autonomy. I feel like there’s no other way for people #to hear me other than harming myself and depriving myself #I feel like such a waste #it’s like tomorrow I want to go back restrict restrict restrict restrict eat 5 calories exercise for an hour #but I just can’t. #I don’t have anyone to talk to because no one understands. #I feel so lost #the one thing I enjoyed about the diet change is the snack kinda… it gives me motivation to keep going. #everything is so stressful though and I don’t know how to encapsulate everything AT ALL ugh #I’m so tired and I just want to fall over and die already but… idk #I want to restrict really badly. I want to purge and fast again. I want to become anorexic. I was at to scream out and cry and say that I’m #hurting and I’m weak and I can’t take it anymore #ugh #omg I haven’t made a huge tumblr rant in months omg I haven’t USED tumblr really in months omg #my ED loves tumblr like girl hey

[spiltlove]

lol they’re taking away my case management services even though they said weren’t going to and i’m in the middle of applying for new housing with my cm and she’s helping me with so many other stuff. and i’m literally on the edge like what tf do they expect me to do???

#like thanks!! yeah i’m not self harming rn and i’m not in and out of hospitals #but that doesn’t mean i’m better #bro the only time people ever care abt me and offer help is when it gets to the point where i’m abt to die #i can’t do this on my own #and if i’m stuck in this apartment complex for much longer #i will kms #like okay you say i’m ‘doing better’ and then take away the resources that go me here? #make it make sense #im abt to go off the ledge #i don’t give a fuck anymore #this is the worst fucking month for them to pull that shit #y’all want me to get bad before you give me services #alright #madison shouldn’t talk #personal #SORRY I HAD TO VENT

[gwyoi]

Welp okay I vomited and they made me go home ☹️ I’m kind of ducked

#gwon #why do I keep getting sick I hate this so much it’s always my sinuses #I wear my mask on the bus and don’t go out anymore and I still get sick I want to die I can’t take it anymore

[bo0zey]

anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird #this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY #i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it #whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo #i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work #imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞 #real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason #like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me #ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS??? #ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like #why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean #i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything #i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed #i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame #i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol #also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually #cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj #i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle #i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore #i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable #ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao #im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed #ramblings #shut up cianna

[weenhands]

i’m having a mental breakdown

#oh my god i don’t even do that bad in school my standards are so high #*gets a notification that i got a 100% on an assignment while i pace around my room thinking about how ive ruined my life #ever since i was in the 10th grade* #ughhh i feel like ive ruined everything and im not doing enough and i have so much work to complete and i keep being reminded of stuff #from my past and it’s eating me alive and i miss people i shouldn’t and i am truly crushed by the way how this entire world is it makes me #want to kill myself and i’m so serious when i say that i am not exaggerating and i can’t stand people anymore my basic standards for love #have gotten higher i feel like hiding everything about myself again i need to die im not enough but all of this comes from stuff when i was #younger why didnt i know better im actually going crazy right now i need to bang my head against the wall #i can’t even be feeling like this there’s so little time left to study i need to focus on reading but i can’t it’s so hard im so crushed by #how everything about my life is ruined dnshsjsjdbdbdsnsnddnndjfjeidhehwuddbdjsndkd

[rosicheeks]

Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️

#thank you so much for the kind message #idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh #I’m struggling a lot #I know I say that all the time #but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately #today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack #might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now #but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital #I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’ #but I don’t think it works like that #I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say #99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’ #trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t #anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about #the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help #also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that #I just don’t want to live like this anymore #everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life #I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong #but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍 #anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything #lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up #anyway I’m very very very unhappy #and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️ #ask #anon

[the-friendliest-freak]

It’s all gone horribly wrong!

#was hoping to get the other one done first but. eh. #feeling like shit today I’ll tell you that much #I don’t think I can make it another year #I don’t think I can take this anymore #I’m so tired man. 18+ years of this shit. #I want to die #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tsp narrator #tsp the narrator #tspud #tspud art #tsp art #tsp fanart #tsp #tspud narrator #tsp demo #the Stanley Parable demo #gore #blood #gore art #eye horror #gore artwork #cw body horror #tw body horror #tw bleeding #tw blood

[teethburger]

misophonia is like “I need to scream and break everything in my general vicinity but if I hear a sound I will explode”

#vent #I hate everything so much #there was a boy sitting behind me during latin who kept sniffing every few seconds and I was about to punch him #I’m actually mad and disappointed that I didn’t #i was SO READY #I WANT TO HURT SOMEONE #I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE RIGHT IN THE FACE AND GET EXPELLED AND JUST ESCAPE FROM THIS HELL #I WANT TO GET SO ANGRY I CAN’T THINK ANYMORE #I WANT TO MAKE SOMEONE BLEED #I WANT TO SCREAM #I WISH I FOLLOWED HIM HOME SO I COULD BEAT HIS ASS IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS #I WANT IT ALL TO JUST STOP #I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE #I WANT TO RIP OUT MY EARDRUMS SO I DON’T HAVE TO HEAR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN #I WANT TO DIE #I WANT TO RUN AWAY

[pepprs]

hi im gonna say goodbye to her in like 5 mins im waiting for her to wrap up another meeting rn. and i burst into tears in front of my colleagues and VERY visibly just cried 😁👍👍👍👍👍👍

#purrs #i am so INSANELY triggered rn and don’t know how to keep my emotions in check. i don’t want to cry or be messy. oh god. this is the worst #thing that has ever happened to me LMFAOOOOOOOOO actually it’s not. but it’s up there. this is so bad. i feel like im going to die or #explode or both. it’s literally not thst deep bc we’ll keep in touch and she’s not moving away or anything she’s just retiring. but it’s #making me CRAZYYYYYY how i am reliving the same horrors from last year. THE SAME HORRORS. before even having a chance to heal from the FIRST #horrors!!!!!!!! LIKE WHAT THE HELL. i can only take so much. i can’t withstand it all. i couldn’t suppress the tears anymore i just exploded #LOLLLL. the way i ugly cried and might do it again IN FRONT OF HER…. HELP. lol ♥️ and we will only have 10 mins to talk bc she has another t #thing at 12:45 and i squandered so much time crying and having to clean my face off that now i burned our last precious moments. AWESOMEEEEE #delete later

[stealthylikeninja]

I find it really funny when I see antis saying shit like “oh, billy’s apologists wouldn’t even look at him if he was not hot” (which is usually a main argument as to why people can even like this character in the first place), as if people who like Billy actively excused his actions because Billy is a ‘hot piece of ass’. There are more than few holes in that logic (or there lack of).

First of, I rarely see anyone who says that what Billy did (mostly during season 2, I would never blame Billy for anything that happened in season 3) was in any shape or form excusable. It was not. He was an asshole and he was aggressive and violent, and him attacking the kids and Steve is not excused by the fact that he was also very clearly abused. But you can (and in fact you should when dealing with complex fictional characters) acknowledge the full spectrum of human behaviour, and draw your own conclusions as to why he was acting like this in the first place. You really don’t need to know much about psychology to be able to comprehend how growing up in abusive household can impact how you react to things, how it could twist the person into someone angry and unpredictable and controlling. It’s really a cycle of abuse - Billy feels cornered by his father (is being abused and called names by his father, might I add), so he turns that same behaviour to someone weaker, like Max, as he can actually have some control while dealing with her. It’s not an excuse, but it sure as hell is an explanation.

Second of all, claiming that people like (and defend) Billy only because he is attractive, is a good example of one-track, shallow mindset, that I feel like has more to do with antis lack of critical thinking, than anything else really. It shouldn’t be that difficult to comprehend, but apparently it is, so let me make that very, very clear. Liking Billy doesn’t mean that we are actually racist (or condoning racism). Liking Billy doesn’t mean that we excuse his abusive and shitty behaviour, and making it okay because we feel bad for him (not to mention making him some blameless hero after he died). Liking Billy doesn’t amount to seeing him as just an object of attraction, because being attractive is really not enough to make people that defensive over him.

Liking Billy is actually comprehending the complexity and potential of his character, acknowledging both his abusive behaviour but also taking under consideration the abuse that he experienced. Most of all, liking him is knowing that he deserved the time and a chance to do better, to change and to maybe grow from that. He was barely 18, and saying that he very well deserved to die the way he did is actually fucking awful. It lacks some sort of fundamental ability to empathise, even with people who you might not fully like. It’s making him an abuse victim who deserved to die because he didn’t behave in socially acceptable way in which some other antagonists do. It didn’t make him redeemable enough. That’s bullshit, and maybe if some antis managed to rub together two lonely braincells vacating their skulls, and pushed for some actual critical thinking, maybe then it would become a bit clearer as to why so many people like Billy’s character. Just, fucking, do better, because even though we are dealing with fictional characters here, it is actually rather worrying how much similar mindset could translate, in some cases, to real life behaviour.

#billy hargrove #this actually makes my blood boil on the daily basis #i have seen enough and I cant just sit silent anymore #it’s actually beyond me how much some people lack basic empathy #you really dont need to like billy #but wishing him to die? or attacking people who like him? #please get a grip #go read some book or something #interact with real people and actually fucking observe how people behave #because this mindset is extremely self-absorbed and shallow #it shows that you really know and understand fuck all about people around you and moreover you don’t want to understand them #life is not black and white honey sometimes shit stinks and often there is a reason behind it #oh and antis please use the door on your way out

[chryzuree]

wow. i was so insane for the chryzure l&c universe where azure’s possessed by his father. let me add to that: he has permanent internal scarring from having a ghost inside of him for almost two years and also he can never quite get warm (chryzurejacks curling up together so azure can try and get warm…) and he’s always kissing chrysi’s wrists where mordecai nearly broke her bones, because he feels so horrible he couldn’t stop it. he’s so scared of sleeping. he always needs to be near chrysi. he’s a man traumatized by what he went through and he knows he will never quite return to normal.. it’s okay. even george is being nice to him for once. showing up w homemade food and pastries and such, to warm azure up. :((

#went through my old blog. miss chrysi’s baby brother and that universe :(( #also my jackaby/l&c mashup universe rules mwah mwah. george watches his sister fucking die!! #memorie.txt #s.chryzure #p.ghosthood #but like.. yeah. the chronic conditions that persist after that… :(( #azure’s breath also never clouds in the cold anymore since he runs at a much lower temp now #must ALL happy things be taken from him?!!! #also all scientists want azure. they NEED to know what prolonged possession does to a person!!!! #the only reason they don’t have him is because chrysi started getting very very scary. jst TRY and take her bf from her again!!!