#damn is this my first time ever referencing season 2?

[allaboardthevespa]

I was listening to some old music and had a moment of inspiration

These edits are really simple, but I felt like showing love to the ships of the show I've been hyperfixating on. Plus I barely give any non-Ellabby ships any love lmao

#disventure camp #jam #(the ship) #ellabby #gabellie #wishley #(calling it that now) #kaiggy #(is that what it's called?) #jaiden #huntessally #damn is this my first time ever referencing season 2? #well i think i've brought it up in older posts but this is my first post explicitly featuring season 2 characters I think #song: “everybody talks” by neon trees

[darlingshane]

Salt of the Earth ~ Part 1

Pairing: Michael Berzatto x OFC

Summary: She was Carmy's best friend growing up, and Michael never looked at her as anything other than that until years later when she comes back to Chicago to start over. In the process, she turns his sorry excuse of a life upside down.

Content/Warnings: Friends to lovers, Fluff, Angst, Family Drama, Dysfunctional relationships, Implied/referenced drug addiction, Alcohol mention, Divorce, Pets, Pet names, Dialogue heavy. Undisclosed age gap (in my mind Michael is late 30s and OC is late 20s, but it's really up to your interpretation).

Word Count: 6.8k // 4 chapters // AO3 link.

A/N: This is set in the year of the Fishes episode on season 2. It starts in summer and slowly builds up to that Christmas.

— This was an anon request that I got a few months ago, I hope you're still around. I tried to fit all the ideas you sent as best I could. There's a bit of info dump on the first chapter, but I hope it isn't too off-putting.

Chapter 1: Best thing since sliced bread

Seconds stretch into minutes, minutes elongate into long hours on slow days like this at The Beef. Especially in summer when the air conditioner stops working for the second time in the middle of August. Any living soul that crosses that door must have a dying wish or be the devil themselves to adventure themselves to what has become Michael's personal hell.

It's been a testing year, and there's so much he can do to fix this place right now. While he waits for Fak to come check the damn AC unit, Michael tends the front while Ebra takes his lunch break.

Turning the paper's pages on the counter, he comes across an article about the extensive fires eating different parts of the country. A wretched thought crosses his mind as he reads – maybe it'd be better to burn this place to the ground and start over. He entertains the idea for a second until the door swings open, inviting more heat into the boiling pot.

He lifts his eyes from the words to find a familiar face approaching the counter. It's not Fak, but a much better vision of someone he used to know.

“Mayhem Maya.”

“Magic Mikey.”

That former thought of burning down this place disappears somewhere in the midst of that beautiful aura that saunters with her big brown eyes, long raven hair, nervous smile, and firm steps.

“It's been a while, Maybird.” Almost ten years since she set foot in this establishment. “What brings you to this hole in the wall?”

“Came to collect that meatball sub you promised at uncle Teddy's funeral, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

Ever since she moved to a different state, he only had seen her a handful of times when she came back for the holidays. Last time he saw her was at the beginning of spring, when her uncle, Ted Silva, passed away.

“I also had an interview at the new vet clinic on the next block.” She places her cross-body bag on an empty stool while she perches her ass on the one next to it.

“How's that going? Did you get tired of California already?”

“No, I love California. But I needed a change of scenery. It's been rough after… you know…” the divorce. She wasn't married for long, but she still can't bring herself to say the word.

“I’ve heard some of it.” He’s pretty much aware of how everything went down. Well, he’s got grapevine’s juicy version of the story, but he never heard her side directly.

Though Michael and Maya know each other as if they were related, they were never close confidants. She always thought he was the coolest guy in Chicago. And he always thought fondly of her, given their families association, and Maya’s close friendship with his brother.

Michael places an order for her sandwich and grabs a soda for her, while she explains she has two more job interviews later.

“Does your mother know you're back?” He folds the paper and props his elbows on the counter.

“She probably does.”

“Still not talking, huh?”

“It's not my fault she made me the black sheep of the family. She’s like vitriol on steroids.”

“Yeah? What happened at the wake? You left before I could say goodbye.”

Michael recalls the tension at the funeral, particularly at the wake when Angela Silva grabbed Maya by the elbow and took her youngest daughter outside the house as if she was still a child that needed to be scolded.

“Nothing. I barely said a word that day. Guess everything I do feels like a personal attack to her. I can admit that I'm not perfect, and that sometimes I've acted up just to get a reaction out of her, but that day she just went off again…” She pauses without finishing that thought to take a refreshing sip of her coke. “And that wasn't nearly as bad as the day I told her I was getting…”

“Divorced? Why can't you say the word? It's not Voldemort.”

“What the hell do you know about Voldemort?”

“How do I… Who took you and Carmy to buy those damn books? Have you forgotten?” Maya shakes her head. “You even tried many times invoking his name, so I was haunted by eaters or something like that. You two were real potterheads.”

“And you were just a pothead,” she laughs, stirring the ice cubes in her drink with a straw. “I totally blocked that out. We were just a couple of nerds.”

“I’d say!”

“Meatball sub!” Richie calls from the pass-through window and takes a second look when catching Maya in the joint. “Maya Papaya?!”

“Please, don’t call me that.” She scoffs while Richie promptly abandons the kitchen and goes around the counter to give her a welcoming hug.

“Did you know she was coming?” He asks Michael, as he props his ass on the bar.

“Had no idea. She just showed up.”

“Did you tell her about Carmy?”

“What about him?”

“He’s in Copenhagen.”

“Oh, I knew about that.”

“You two talk often?”

“Sometimes, I guess.” Barely more likely. They don't even text anymore. She's tried but there's been nothing but crickets at his end for months.

While Richie grills her about Carmy and what she’s been up to, Michael can’t help but look around the shop to notice, from every corner and wall, memories bouncing all at once in his direction. It takes him back in time to those days when she and Carmy were as thick as thieves.

Their shared history goes back to that same street their families have lived on for over thirty years… It’s still clear in his mind, like it was yesterday, when he was forced to babysit them when they wanted to go to the movies or trick-or-treating or the bookstore. That was a little annoying back then, now he fondly remembers all those times in summer, when they’d go to the convenience store to get ice pops on their bikes. Then they’d ride back and sit in the middle of the swanky rug in their living room and watch TV for hours. More than once they were yelled at by Mama Berzatto when she would come home to find melted colorful stains in the fabric. She would lose her shit. Carmy was used to it. Maya wasn’t, but the girl never flinched once cause Donna and her own mother were cut from the same unstable piece of cloth.

Maya and Carmy were really close up until they went separate ways for college. Their bond was something to admire. They had something so special that inevitably, Carmy fell in love with her. She was his best friend and confident. They kept each other's secrets, and Carmy thought she'd feel the same in return. It wasn't a crazy notion. They spent so much time together, everyone thought it'd lead to something more, but that never happened.

Mikey and Richie used to tease the youngest cub relentlessly. They tried multiple times to encourage him to ask her out, but he never found the guts to do it. Especially if it could potentially end their friendship. Carmy didn't want to lose that. Though he never confessed his feelings, Maya always knew. Even in her teens, call it a woman’s intuition, part of her already knew. Maya wished she'd felt the same toward him, but the heart wants what it wants, and she couldn't change that.

What was really fucked up was that she had the most ridiculous crush on the older Berzatto when she was a teen. While she knew he'd never look at her as anything other than Carmy's annoying little friend, that didn't stop her from daydreaming about it for years. It was a secret that no one ever knew and that was placed in a drawer at the back of her mind after she left Chicago.

After graduating, Maya and Carmy stayed in touch for a long time, until their calls and texts became less frequent. They followed different dreams that required a lot of attention and sadly their friendship got hurt in the process.

While she attended Vet School on the west coast, he became a chef on the east.

Maya thrived at school and work. She really went out on her own, and became the woman she always wanted to be. Unsheltered, confident, outspoken. She outgrew her shell and opened herself to new experiences and people. She loved it all. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but for the most part she was pretty happy with her choices.

And now she's back in Chicago, set on a new path and awaiting to see where it takes her.

She’s living in a house in Oak Park with her dog, Coco; Richie fishes out of her. Apparently, she got some money from uncle Teddy, and she’s invested it in a home for her and her beloved staffy.

“Does Carmy know you’re here?” Richie circles back.

“No, I haven't talked to him in months.”

“Why? Did you two have a fall-out or something?”

“There's no why. We're just busy.”

“Mike, help me out here. Weren’t these two fools supposed to get married?”

“Yeah, everyone thought you'd ended up together.”

“Man, I don't know what to tell you, we just didn't,” her head sinks between her shoulders.

“Just get over yourself and hit him up. The kid has been hung up on you since forever. It looks like things didn’t go so well with your marriage and all. You should take that as a sign, you’d never find anyone better than Carmy. The boy could really use some excitement in his life. And so could you.”

“C’mon, leave her alone. Go back to work, Cousin.”

Michael throws her a lifeline, noticing how miserable she looks every time Richie opens his unfiltered mouth.

“He’s not wrong, you know? You and Carmy… it looked like you two had something special.” Michael offers once Richie is back in the kitchen.

“It’s called friendship. You should look it up.” She points out.

“I have Richie.”

“Exactly. You have Richie. Why don't you two marry the other and leave me alone? If you think about it, you were as close to Richie as I was with Carmy. Even more. Should everyone assume you are in love with him? Cause that's what you're implying.”

“Touché. I'll drop it.”

“Look, as hard as it is to believe, there was nothing else between us. I was aware he felt something for me, but I didn’t feel the same.”

“You should give him a chance sometime. He might surprise you.”

It’s not the first time these two have been trying to play matchmaker between Maya and Carmy, and it’s bizarre to see they still do at any given opportunity.

“Okay, if I give Carmy a chance, you have to give Richie a chance. Those are the rules, Berzatto.”

“Oh, I've tried. He's not into me,” he remarks, amused, and leans closer to confess something in a lower voice. “Do you wanna know a secret?”

“Uh, sure.”

“He and Tiffany are having a baby. He just told me a few days ago.”

“What? You let him reproduce? I'll pray for Tiff.”

Chapter 2: Cool as a cucumber

Everything falls slowly into place as Maya settles back in Chicago. She secures the job at the clinic near The Beef, which is a huge relief after her rushed decision of moving back to her hometown without securing a job first. It was part of the plan all along to practice what she loves but never thought this would be the year. As much as she loved California, once her divorce was finalized she felt like something was trapping her there. And the money she got from her uncle gave her some leeway to improvise, get away from all that, and start over.

Maya is spending her morning going through the stack of unpacked boxes, finding a good place for everything, making it feel more homey. It's not a big house, but spacious enough for the two of them. The big selling point was the backyard for Coco to zoom around and cool down in her wading pool, which she loves. It didn't take long for the five-year-old pup to get used to her new neighborhood. They've even made a couple of friends at the park nearby.

A moment before the doorbell rings, Coco whines from her spot by the window, where she often sits to watch passers in the street.

“Who is it?” Maya playfully asks her dog as she makes her way to the front door.

Through the peephole, she sees Michael's profile as he inspects the porch.

“Hi,” her eyes widen as she opens the door. “Didn't know you were coming.”

“Yeah, I would've called, but I didn't get your number the other day.” But he got her address from Richie's intense questioning when she visited the shop.

“I knocked on two different houses until I got the right one,” he explains as Coco curiously circles around his feet, sniffing his pants, hitting his crotch with her nose in the process.

“No, Coco. Sit. How many times have we talked about no nut-tapping?” Maya glances at her with amusement as the dog sits on her haunches.

“It’s fine,” he snorts. “All dogs do that.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. But she’s not any other dog. I thought I had taught her better. So what brings you here?”

“This.” He offers the paper bag hanging in his hand. “It's just a little house-warming gift.”

“You didn't have to.” As she takes the bag from his hand she ushers him inside before closing the door.

“It's nothing, really.”

He glances around as Maya takes out the box from the bag.

“Wow, a set of knives? That's not nothing.”

“Everyone needs one good set of knives. But you can exchange them for something else if you want.”

“No. I like these. But I gotta warn you that I'm not much of a cook, and I'll probably use the same one for everything.”

“That's fine I can show you sometime though. Is she friendly? ” He points at the dog that keeps staring at him. “Can I pet her?”

“Yeah, she loves everyone. Go ahead.”

Michael cautiously pets the brown coat of her head as her floppy ears lower at the passing of his hand.

“Never pictured you with a pit bull.”

“Me neither. I always thought I'd be a cat lady. But I met her at this adoption drive when she was one, and she stole my heart.”

“I can see why.” Michael crouches down, and pets Coco with both hands. “She's really sweet.”

He lets her lick his chin a couple of times before standing back on his feet. Then they go on a tour around the house.

“It's still a work in progress. I'm thinking of painting a few walls, but we like it so far.”

“Yeah, it has good bones.”

“So you don't have to work today?” Asks Maya.

“No, we've had some trouble with the gas line, and we've been shut down for a couple of days.”

“That sucks. Now where am I going to get my sandwiches and coffee on my way to work?”

“Heard Starbucks is pretty good.”

“Shut up. Don't even joke about that.” She playfully shoves his shoulder as they go back to the living room.

“Are you doing something later?”

She shakes her head. “Why?”

“I don't know, thought you were having a comeback party or something.”

“I don't really have any friends here. And I don't feel like inviting my family yet. As you can see, I still have a lot to unpack.”

“Physically or mentally speaking?”

“Both,” she scoffs.

“Let's do something then? Just you and me. We could grab some pizza, or go out for a drink for old times’ sake?”

“Old times’ sake?” It's amusing, surprising and confusing his sudden interest in her. Maybe he can see how pathetic she thinks she is, and he's taking pity on her. Although, that was never Michael style.

“Yeah, c'mon, Mayhem. You look like you could use some fun.” He picks up a book that's sitting on top from the box opened by the couch that's titled — Dating Again with Courage and Confidence: The Five-Step Plan to Revitalize Your Love Life after Heartbreak, Breakup, or Divorce. “And maybe a rebound or something. You don't need a fucking help book. You only need me to show where to get the best guys, or girls. Whatever you're into.”

“Give me that. I don't need a rebound, a help book, or you for all matter finding me a date.”

“No? Then why do you have that?”

“My friend Paige thought I should give it a try.”

“Maybe she was onto something there.”

“I'm perfectly fine. Just want to finish organizing everything, focus on work and this handful I have right here.” Her hand gestures at Coco. “What are you so interested in my love life anyway? First you try to play matchmaker with Carmy, and now you want me to do what, exactly? Hook up with the first guy I see?”

“No, I'm just asking you to go out and have some fun. I know Carmy was the only friend you had here. And if I was in your shoes, I'd feel pretty lonely.”

“I'm not lonely, Michael. Do I miss my friends in Sacramento? Sure,” she admits. “But I don't wanna force anything. I'm just taking it slow. When the time comes I'll jump right in but for now, this is all I need. Really. Stop pitying me.”

“I'm not pitying you, sweetheart.”

“No? Then what is it? Where is this coming from?”

“I don't know… I've always thought you were the salt of the earth. And though we never really hung out together, I thought you could use… But I can see now that you're different, and that you know what you need right now, so I'll just shut up and back off. Let you do your thing.”

“Thank you. I do know what I'm doing, by the way. You don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine. But I appreciate you coming here anyway.”

“Yeah, of course. And I can help you unpack if you need.”

“Hm, if you don't have anything better to do, be my guest. We could grab a pizza later, if the offer still stands. Or just order some food.”

“Sure.”

Michael helps Maya unpack all the boxes and put everything in place in half the time it'd have taken her alone. They order some food for lunch and spend half the day talking and laughing until late in the afternoon when they decide to go out for some drinks to keep the good vibes going.

At the end of the night, she offers to drive Michael back to his apartment as a thank you for inviting her.

“Did you have fun?” Michael asks from the passenger seat as she pulls up in front of his building.

“Yeah, I did. I'm glad I changed my mind.”

“Me too. I didn't know you were this fun. You're nothing like I remember.”

“Yeah, I was kind of weird growing up. You guys probably thought there was something wrong with me. ”

“Nah, don't be so hard on yourself. We were all weird in our own way.”

“Uh-uh. No Michael Berzatto. You were the coolest guy back in the day, and you still are.”

“I don’t know about that,” he scoffs. “For the record… I never thought there was anything wrong with you.”

“You were probably the only one… Anyway, thank you for today. I know I said I didn't need this, but I guess I did.”

“You're welcome, Maybird. I'm glad you’re back.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Thanks for bringing me home,” he softly squeezes her arm before reaching for the handle to open the door.

“No problem.”

“You know you can call me if you ever miss your friends, y’know?” he throws casually.

“I uh…sure. I will.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” she echoes back as he pulls the handle and the door opens.

“Have a good night, Michael,” she says as he gets one foot on the pavement.

“You, too, sweetheart.”

He closes the door and vaguely waves as she sets the car in motion and watches her drive away.

Chapter 3: Don't cry over spilled milk

In the few weeks he's been spending time with Maya, Michael has found himself enjoying her company more than he'd like to admit. Being with her grounds him. She makes him forget for a little while all that's wrong in his life. She's like a beacon in that immerse darkness that his sorry existence has become. Despite having her own set of problems, he's watched her rise above all that with poise. He wonders what it's her secret to her steadfast determination, even when her own family has disavowed her.

After closing shop, he dives into his stash to tame that brewing headache before driving to Oak Park to pay her a visit. She told him earlier via text that she was at Home Depot buying some paint to update the color of her bedroom and asked him to come over to hang out after work.

For some reason, he couldn't say no. Not even the storm in his head is strong enough to deny her request. He has a pull on him, tugging him hard like a dog tied to a leash in her hand, he can’t help but follow her lead.

When he arrives at her house, she's halfway done. Two of the walls shine bright new in a lavender tone as she starts working on the next one.

After having beer and playing a tug of war game with his new friend, Coco, Michael offers his help to finish painting the walls. He uses a brush to paint the corners, while she gracefully uses a roller like a pro with her denim overalls over a tank top, and her raven hair pulled up in a ponytail sprinkled with lavender paint beads. When she lifts one of her arms, he catches a glimpse of a tattoo on the side of her rib cage, leveled to the roundness of her chest that looks like the outline of a dog paw.

“What are you looking at?” She asks after catching him staring.

“You have paint on your chin.”

“Oh.” She wipes it with the back of her hand, but she just spreads the stain along her jaw. “I made it worse, didn't I?”

“Yeah.”

She shrugs it off and continues with the task ahead until the whole wall is covered.

“Is everything okay, Bear?” Maya puts down the paint roller. “You're quieter than usual.”

“Yeah, everything's alright.” It sounds so honest, he almost believes it. “It's just been a long day.”

“I'm sorry that I put you to work.”

“Don't be. This is relaxing.”

“Yeah?” She takes a step back and surveys how much brighter her bedroom looks already after covering most of the former downcast grey. “Is the color right? Do you think it's too girlish?”

Giving the room a once over he says, “it's a good shade. I dig it. It doesn't matter what I think or if it's too girlish, as long as you like it. Do you like it?”

“Yeah. I do.”

She dips the roller on the tray to cover another section of the wall.

“You never told me what happened at the funeral with your mom,” Michael leans on the stepladder, taking a short break.

“Do you really wanna know?” She glances over her shoulder.

“Yeah. Everyone does. I’ve heard some crazy stories about it. Thought I should get it straight from the source.”

“I never pegged you for a gossip girl.”

“I’m not. I’m just making conversation.”

She mockingly narrows her eyes, drawing a lopsided smirk, “liar.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t wanna. But yeah, can’t help being a little curious about it.”

“I don’t mind telling you, but it won’t be as entertaining as those crazy stories people have made up.”

“I’m not here for entertainment. I just wanna hear your side of the story, Maybird.”

Maya lets out a heavy sigh and while keeping her focus on the wall she shares with him what really happened. She’s right to say that is not the best story she’s ever told, though when it comes to her mother, all her stories tend to have a surreal element even she can’t fathom sometimes.

That day at the funeral, she was taken outside during the wake by Angela Silva to get scolded about her imminent divorce. It wasn’t finalized by then, and her mom invoked one last Hail Mary to convince her to stay with her husband, who was also currently dating someone else. It was a messy situation that Maya couldn't wait to get out of, and the fact that her mother never offered an ounce of support wasn’t surprising, but still devastating. Somehow, Angela found that the reason for her separation from her husband was that Maya didn’t want to have kids, and that really vexed Angela. All she wanted for her three kids was to follow the same traditional path Angela was forced into, no matter how miserable she was. Her two older sisters followed her mother’s narrowed traditional values. But Maya, ever-the-nonconformist, swore she would never follow anyone’s drum beat but her own. Her husband thought she’d change her mind eventually. He was wrong. She knew that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, which led her here, to this moment.

“Is your mom ever happy?” Michael has always wondered.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her happy, except when she’s drunk. That’s why she has to make everyone else miserable.”

“Yeah, but she’s always had a fixation on making you miserable.”

“Like I said, every family needs a black sheep, and I’m it.”

“Is that why you became a vet?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“So, it's true, you don’t wanna have kids? I’m not judging. I’m just curious.”

“I honestly don't know. I just knew that when he told me he wanted to have a baby right away, it didn’t feel right. I said that maybe in six or seven years I’d be okay with it. Told him I wanted to travel and just be us for a while, and he said that was too long to wait. I don’t know… he stopped talking to me, and it was clear that he wasn’t changing his mind, and I wasn’t changing my mind, so. At some point I got tired of trying… He got a girlfriend as soon as I filed for divorce and I got a text from Paige the other day that said he got her already pregnant, like… that was never me. I guess it served me right… I married him on a whim, an impulse without really talking about what we wanted…”

“Hey, don’t feel sorry for yourself. You dodged a bullet there.”

“You really think that?.”

“Yeah, I do. You stood up for yourself and knew when to step back when it didn’t feel right. Not everyone has the balls to do that. Think how miserable you’d be by now if you had tried to please him or your mom. You seem happy now. That's what matters.” He means that with all his heart, and wishes he had the same drive to follow those same steps. As much as he loved the restaurant, he chose to run it to please people within his family. And that love turned into a nightmare he couldn't escape.

“You know… I liked you better when you were quiet,” she quips.

Michael huffs a soft laugh, picking up his brush to resume painting.

When the room is finished, she plugs a couple of fans and closes the door to keep Coco away.

Maya washes her hands and face in the bathroom sink. When she comes out, she catches the motion of Michael's arm as he shoves what looks like a pill into his mouth before taking a gulp of water from one of her glasses.

“What was that? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. It's just a headache,” looking down, he runs a palm over his short growing beard.

“Is it the fumes?”

“No, I had it before coming here.”

“Michael,” she sighs softly at his name. “You should've told me. I wouldn't have let you help if I knew.”

“Would you stop that? I wanted to help.”

“Okay, c'mere. Let's sit down.”

“No, I think I should get going.”

“Nonsense. I'm not going to let you drive until you feel better.”

He yields with a long exhale, and follows Maya into the living room, where her bed is settled askew in the middle of the space.

She takes a seat on the edge of the mattress and waits for him to sit next to her.

“Give me your hand,” she shows her palm up, as his eyes narrow. “C'mon, don't be a baby, give me your hand, Berzatto.”

“When did you become so bossy?” He slowly lifts his hand and as he lays it on top of her palm, his fingers tremble upon contact with her skin. Maya then uses her opposite hand to clip the webbing between his thumb and pointer fingers with her own and begins massaging that spot.

“My friend Sierra is really into acupressure. She says this is a pressure point that helps with headaches.” She explains while slowly increasing the force. “Does it hurt?”

“Not one bit. Is that like acupuncture?” His voice comes as a whisper as he focuses on her diligent fingers.

“Kinda. I think. I’m not really sure.”

“You don't have to fix me, you know?”

“I'm not trying to fix you, Bear. I just wanna make you feel better.”

“Admit it. You just love a good wounded animal.”

She smiles softly, placing his hand down on his knee and picking up the other. “Does it feel any different?”

He’s not really sure, it wasn’t truly a headache that led them to take that pill but the annoying rambling of his thoughts. She shouldn’t have seen that. And he shouldn’t have lied. But having her hands on his like this is straight up lovely. Inside of him, it truly feels like something is broken, wounded, and missing, and this is giving him a sliver of relief as he waits for the pill to kick in. If he was a better man, he’d tell her the truth. But he’s too far gone for saving. All he can do is keep that facade up.

“Does it?” She insists after not getting an answer.

“A little.”

“Do you wanna lay down?”

Swallowing, he responds with a nod, and they both lean back on the mattress at the same time. Looking at the ceiling, she keeps kneading that pressure point, unsure if she’s even doing it right.

They stay in comfortable silence for a good five minutes and when she finally places his hand down, Maya glances to the side and sees that his eyes have closed, and his chest gently rising and falling. She calls his name softly, but she can see that behind the sharp edges of his face and the ever-growing shade of his beard, he’s truly exhausted, so she doesn’t insist. She extends her hand to turn off the lamp, and curls on the other side of the bed without disturbing his sleep.

“Good night,” she says softly and closes her eyes.

From a dusty corner of her mind comes crawling that little forgotten part that used to harbor a lot of feelings for Michael. Though a few weeks ago he seemed practically the same Michael she knew, over the past month she’s keenly noticed little changes here and there. His eyes sometimes cast a dark shade tainted in nothing but sadness, it’s barely noticeable for other people. It comes and goes, but it tells her he’s not truly as happy as he pretends to be.

Michael wakes up disoriented at the crack of dawn.

It takes him a few seconds to remember he’s still in Mayas’ bed in the middle of her living room and that the weight that has his arm pinned is her body pressed against his. She’s warmly snuggled on his side, with her arms tucked between his chest and hers, and a peaceful expression on her beautiful face. She’s so awfully close, he can smell the scent of her hair, and feel the heat of her breath every time she exhales.

It's such an odd moment for him to have her that close. He's unsure of whether it would be better to slip out of bed unnoticed before she wakes up, or just stay there and watch her sleep for a bit longer. Either option would make him look like a creep, he thinks. So he opts to gently wake her up. His free hand reaches to his forehead to move a stand of hair away. Her brow scrunches as his light-feather touch grazes her skin. His lips curve up as he traces the shell of her ear to see her stir awake. She blinks slowly a couple of times until her focus shifts onto him.

“Hey, Maybird.”

“Hey.” Her lips move, it's barely audible.

“Sorry, I fell asleep.” His fingers absentmindedly massage her earlobe.

She's so stunned by waking up to that level of intimacy, she simply nods, as her mouth softly draws a smile.

“It's fine. Does your head feel better?”

“Much better. That pressure thing really worked.”

“I'm glad.”

“Listen, I gotta go open. Maybe we could do something later?”

“Okay,” she swallows nervously, hoping that waking up with him like this isn't just a dream. “Can you do me a favor first?”

“Sure.”

“Can you stay five more minutes?”

“I uh… I think I can,” against his better judgment, he decides he can stay for a few minutes more holding her.

The way her lips pull up timidly at the corners, revealing the dimples framing her mouth, completely disarms him. He’s always felt a certain affinity towards her, but being this close to her awakes a longing within that feels dangerous. He can’t bring someone new into his life. Not while everything around him is falling apart. It’s already hard enough having to pretend around other people.

He couldn’t do that to her. He won’t.

Michael will have to fight harder because when her arm tucks around his waist he can’t help but press his lips against her forehead.

Chapter 4: Hard nut to crack

Four months later…

After that initial moment of weakness when he fell asleep on her bed, he fought hard to elude that odd longing that has only grown into a big mass of love toward Maya. To anyone else in the world, a feeling as big as that would be a blessing, especially when it's reciprocated. To Michael, it's a weakness he can't afford right now.

Spending all that time with Maya has been like discovering a whole new planet Michael never thought existed. She's all vast, uncharted territory that fazes him more than it should. Despite his best efforts, he’s fallen into her alluring orbit and can’t find the way out into his own universe.

Far gone is that moody teenager that would mumble a few words here and there. And now there's this tragically stunning woman that looks you directly in the eye, says anything that crosses her mind, and laughs without a care in the world.

Though falling in love with her wouldn’t be completely wrong, it's not quite right either. It fills him with guilt to think about her in that manner. Moreover, it feels like a betrayal to Carmy, who’s far away in a different continent, prospering in his craft.

Michael tries to fool himself into believing that this is just temporary infatuation. He’s even attempted several times to convince her to get in touch with Carmy but hasn’t succeeded. It’d be easier for him if she were to put her focus on someone else instead of him. He has nothing to offer to her and has deemed himself unworthy of her, or anyone for that matter. If she only knew what’s really going on with him, she wouldn’t want Michael nearly as she believes she does.

Layer by layer, she’s tearing all his walls and defenses down. And after all the back and forth, he's absolutely sure she wants more than he can offer her. She’s been giving him the right signals. She doesn't shy away from it. Maya is direct and impulsive, and everything about her is fascinating and intimidating.

It’s time to either cut her loose, or accept that he’s madly in love with her and do something about it.

Amidst coming to terms with a final decision, he's lured into a surprise party she's organized for his birthday.

Michael is left speechless by her determination. And a little annoyed too for reasons he can't explain. To be honest, he’s never been a fan of surprise parties, but the main problem is that this would make things much harder for him to let her down easily. She’s carved herself into his life and the longer he drags this out, the worse this is going to hurt.

He’s aware that it’s selfish and obtuse of him for being that ungrateful that someone who cares that profoundly about him, that they would go all out to prove that. He feels like an asshole, but the train has already left the station.

Using the same tiring self-defense mechanism, he draws his best smile and brings out the Michael everyone seems to love. Not without help. There's always that crutch tucked in his wallet in the form of a pill. Being high numbs him enough to deal with the situation.

The cherry on top comes at the end of the night, when he walks her up to her car and asks if he's had a good time. He lies through his teeth and for the first time, he can tell Maya is not buying it. Perhaps she never did, but he's well-versed on her tells by now, and he can clearly see she's fed up with all the bullshit that comes out of his mouth.

“Look, it's not that I didn't like the party. It's just that I hate surprises, and I was exhausted today. But it was a nice thought, sweetheart. I just… I wasn't in the right mood.” It's seemingly convincing the second time around, but her face shows nothing but regret. “I love the jacket you bought me, though.”

Michael has never been interested in fashion, but he's always loved vintage jackets, and the one she picked it's a perfect addition to his collection. It's a bomber jacket, aviator style, in brown leather with a couple of patches and fur collar.

As they reach Maya's car, they come to a stop. She turns to him, “I know I can be a little too much sometimes. But I promise no more surprises from now on.”

“You and I both know, you won’t be able to keep that promise even if your life depended on it. That's part of what makes you– you, sweetheart. Don’t let my bad mood ruin that.”

“I’ll try.”

After a beat, without hesitation she leans in to leave a goodnight kiss on his bearded cheek and on a whim, she decides to press a second one on his lips.

It takes him completely aback. He wants to dive so badly into her mouth, but he freezes on the spot. And when Maya attempts to deepen the kiss, he finally reacts by placing a placating hand on her shoulder as he pulls his head back.

“I'm… I'm sorry we can't do this, Maya.”

“Wait, I thought… Did I misread something?”

“No, you didn’t misread anything. I just can’t do this.”

“Why?”

“I can't.”

“You can't or don’t want to?”

“Guess I don’t want to.”

“Can you at least tell me why? Did I do something wrong?”

“You did nothing wrong, sweetheart.” He wants to spill out the old – it's not you, it's me – excuse, but he refrains. Every thought and action go against every good instinct he's ever had. He hates himself for making her feel insecure. And yet, he can't backtrack now.

“Stop calling me sweetheart. You see how misleading that is?”

“Sorry. I think I gave you the wrong impression.”

Her eyes narrow, and he can see the gears turning for a long moment before opening her mouth.

“I don't think you gave me the wrong impression, Michael. I think you're too chickenshit to admit that there's something between us and, for whatever reason, you're just taking the coward's way out. You've been weird the whole night, especially with me. I just threw a party just for you, the least you can do is tell me why.”

“I didn't ask you to do that. And I don't owe telling you shit! I was trying to let you go easy, but nothing is ever easy with you. So I'll just say it. This, you and me, is never going to happen.”

It sounds ridiculous as it comes out of his mouth, but he stands firm on that statement as her heart breaks in front of him.

In the end, it'd be better for her, he believes.

#michael berzatto x ofc #michael berzatto #the bear #the bear fanfiction #jon bernthal fanfiction #jon bernthal #original character #michael berzatto x reader #angst #fluff #darlingwrites #sorry i used the reader tag #it's the only way to get my fic seen #salt of the earth

[bewilderedbuck]

Devi vs. David: aka a comprehensive list of every single time ben gross has referred to devi as one or the other (season one edition)

okay, first things first, i am linking this post and this one, both by @catty-words, because they're so well-worded and honestly, probably explain a lot better than i can about the whole devi vs. david thing (even though those are about s2 and this one is about s1). seriously. go read those, then come back. this post is just going to be cataloging every instance in season one where ben calls her one or the other, with context + insight but i'm likely not going to be going super in-depth. i mainly wanted to document this for my own purposes. i will also be creating a separate post for season 2, so expect that sometime in the near future.

ANYWAYS. here we go, i guess.

"...was just about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

here we have the first instance of ben referring to her as david. they're still nemeses, obviously — this is in 1x01, they're not close, they know each other but still only really see the other in the negative sense. (or so we're told, at least; i have a whole theory about how ben has been crushing on devi the whole damn time but we'll get into that at a later date) he calls her david here because it's part of their banter, and we can infer that he has likely been calling her that prior to 1x01. this is also the same instance he refers to the un, which she calls him out for, as she should! but you know what she doesn't call him out for? david. from this very first instance we can infer that she does not give a shit that he calls her david.

"...because you went straight-up psycho and couldn't walk for three months.”

okay, so bear with me here, this might be reaching, as well as a few others down the line. but i think his tone is softer here than it tends to be when they banter pre-friendship. he knows he's hitting close to her trauma, to the cause of her paralyzation and reason for seeing a therapist. calling her david while referencing to her biggest trauma just would not be in good taste, imo.

"...I know how hard it is to memorize seven facts.” / "Yeah, Devi, please share your mumble with the rest of the class.”

ok, so they're in a classroom setting, and he has just, in his own words, "pwned" her as her "intellectual superior" (way to be humble, benjamin). he's got this hoity-toity air about him in this scene, calling her devi because it's more mature of him and as her "intellectual superior" he should appear that way. also, they're in a classroom setting and shapiro is paying attention to them (not that anyone else in the class is lol)

okay, so he doesn't refer to her as either devi or david after 1x02 until we get to 1x05. here, he's on the defensive, obviously. she is threatening to nuke him. literally. no time for banter or nicknames when your entire country is about to be wiped out, am i right?

he doesn't know why she's mad at him yet. he's trying to slip back into their banter, to worm his way back into that sliver of not-quite-nemeses-anymore-but-still-not-quite-friends that they had going on for all of two seconds in 1x05. he wants to go back to normal, or at least some version of normal, where she only hates him because of their academic rivalry and not whatever it is she’s holding against him now. (which of course he immediately learns is the whole sleeping-with-pax thing, but he still doesn't know why she's upset about that.)

this is obvious i feel like i don't have to explain that he calls her devi here because he's having dinner with her family lmao anyways moving on

"...I actually think I am going to have a party tonight.”

boy is crushing HARD. he is SO JEALOUS. speaking up immediately after pax makes the "you look great here" comment? having a party just so devi will come? ok, jay gatsby jr, i see you. ANYWAYS. imo he calls here david here to take back some of the control he just lost after pax showed up. because "david" belongs to ben and devi and nobody else.

the smile on her face in this scene when he greets her. the smile on his face when he sees her. they are in love, your honor. anyways. this is, imo, the first time we see david being used as a term of endearment. their friendship has been solidified after the events at the end of 1x06, and it shows. she is excited to see him and he is, very obviously, excited to see her.

"...Um, did something kinda weird happen? Or did I do something dumb at my party?”

aaand we are on the defensive again lol. david once again being used as a means to control the situation and deflect away from that horrifying failed kiss attempt back in 1x08.  dude is freeeaaaking the fuck out, because he knows now that he has this stupid big crush on devi (that he’s probably had the whole damn time, even prior to 1x01, if we’re being real here), but he just got her as his friend and doesn’t want to screw it up. so. blame it on the booze. throw in a friendly nickname. hope for the best.

obv i don't have like, concrete evidence for this because we only see the literal last day she stays with ben, but i have this theory that during her stay, he defaults to calling her david to keep his guard up. because again. he knows he has this stupid huge fucking crush on her. so, keeping up with the old nickname helps establish those boundaries in his head. (this is also the last time we see him refer to her as david in season one.)

but then there's this, immediately after he refers to her as david in front of his father. because he is worried about her. because she is making rash, dumb decisions without thinking anything through (you know, like trying to get emancipated from her mom and refusing to spread her dad’s ashes)

again, he is going for serious, worried as fuck, for the same reasons listed above. hoping that her friends will see reason for concern just like he does, because his friendship with her is so new and if she’s going to listen to anyone, it's going to be them. this is the first time we ever see ben refer to devi to other people without her being present, and this is also the last time we see him refer to her as devi in season one.

#long post #ben gross #devi vishwakumar #benvi #ben x devi #devi x ben #never have i ever #nhie #i don't think this is technically a meta but should i tag it as one anyways? #fuck it #meta #never have i ever meta #nhie meta #devi vs david

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 06/04/2024

Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action

Season 2 Featured on: A HOT ONE

Ripped by Harmony Friends

It's funny: for a surprising number of posts now, I've been sort of writing "around" the works of the ripper Harmony Friends, without ever - excluding collaborative projects like Balcony Fusion Collab - actually covering one of those works for a post. Which is a damn shame!! Because in their four-year tenure on SiIvaGunner, Harmony Friends had a pretty notable impact on the channel's life, from making Donkey Kong a mainstay of the channel's identity through creating the Coconut Gun Rap as referenced in CG Man HD Remastered Edition, to directing the incredible King for Another Day Tournament and pushing the boundaries of the channel's scope as described in NIGHTMARESCAPE 〜Unrestrained HyperCam 2〜 (Final Boss Phase 2), and many ways more. But, most importantly of all, they led the trend for a series of very silly YTP-esque sentence mixing rips on the channel, of which Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action remains a personal favorite.

So what am I referring to with these "very silly YTP-esque sentence mixing rips"? Well, if you'll recall just earlier this week, the April Fools rip Our Sweet Parsley was made specifically in tribute to Harmon Friends' work of this kind - the ones that edit and twist easily-identifiable song lyrics, primarily from Sonic the Hedgehog games, to pure comedic off-the-wall effect. Sentence-mixing is an age-old skill of the YouTube Poop trade, yet it feels as if Harmony Friends' work with rips like Thunder, Rain and Lightning, A Ghost's Bean Soup, and of course The Coconut Gun Rap were what turned said work into a mainstay on SiIvaGunner in particular, to show the potential sentence mixing had as a method of effective bait-and-switching, messing around with the track *just* enough to feel wrong in a fun way whilst still being easily missable up to a certain point in the song. Yet this bait-and-switch appeal was, as I've mentioned many times before, something that primarily worked within Season 1 itself, within 2016, when the channel's mere existence was still so novel, unknown to so many. Season 2's shift to having more takeovers and events was a brilliant way to keep the channel fresh, whilst also directing several rippers in the team to try their hand at once specific joke within their individual style. And THAT is where Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action comes in: on the day of Smoothness.

It feels as if I've talked enough about the Grammy-Award Winning 1999 Hit Smooth by Santana feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty for a lifetime already back in Haltmanna feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20, but its appeal should be pretty obvious to anyone who's ever heard the song. Put succinctly, is at once incredibly memorable and well-composed, and has lyrics that are as memeable as can be. Pair those traits with the iconic status Snake Eater from Metal Gear Solid 3 already has in gaming circles, and with Hinchy's aforementioned knack for the silliness, and the result was a rip that felt destined to occur at one point or another. The moment the rip starts, the moment you start anticipating the James Bond-esque opening fanfare to Snake Eater, only to be met with the all-too-familiar first riff of Smooth, you KNOW exactly what the rip is going to be, and you KNOW just then and there how perfect of an idea it is. I'm already a huge fan of rips that do completely original vocal covers with new lyrics such as Maskettaman - Dr. Pavel's Fly​-​So​-​Good, but something about how Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action keeps ping-ponging from Snake Eater to Smooth's vocals scratches a very particular part of my brain - as if I'm waiting with every line to see how it could be merged with Smooth's lyrics. And at every turn, I'm rewarded oh so blissfully.

From outright replacing the bridge's bellowing "But you're so supreme!!" with Smooth's "'cause you're so SMOOTH", to the way that the pause in "not for honor but for you" is removed to give way for extra syllables on the part of Smooth's vocals, together forming "not for honor but / to suit your mood", each change feels oh so deliberately done to maximize both sides of the rip. Althewhile, just like My Sweet Parsley and its contemporaries, the original instrumental still plays - Smooth never overtakes the running Snake Eater melody, merely complimenting it with flourishes from its own vocals or guitar riffs. Yet by the time they actually DO overtake the song as the chorus builds, it all feels so natural already, the Snake Eater instrumentals fit Smooth's emotional high so well at this point - its shocking how well the balance is maintained throughout the whole rip. And because of that, Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action is more than just very funny: it's a genuinely great take on Snake Eater, as the contributions from Smooth in a way help punctuate the song's existing high points, althewhile of course still being very funny.

It's really quite hard to go wrong with a Smooth rip in general, of course - but there is a real magic to listening to Tactical Three-Time Grammy Award-Winning Action after knowing already just how good Harmony Friends are at doing this particular flavor of rips from their work in the prior Season. It's the kind of rip that felt, perhaps not destined to happen, but like...with a Smooth rip underway and Harmony Friends on the team, it was such a natural extension of the joke to create, and one that was followed through on in spades of quality. And after having spent so many posts alluding to one particular ripper, I'm happy to have finally gotten to make one on the ripper behind it all.

#todays siivagunner #season 2 #siivagunner #siiva #Hinchy #Harmony Friends #snake eater #metal gear solid #mgs #mgs3 #mgs2 #mgs3 snake eater #solid snake #matchbox 20 #carlos santana #smooth #Youtube #Bandcamp

[genericpuff]

Ladies and gentlemen... we got 'em.

Every now and then, Rachel will post a sketch to her IG story or her page, oftentimes accompanied with a caption that states how hard at work she is.

Now, some of my pals and I in the UnpopularLO Discord have been taking note of the time stamps of when these get posted, so we could keep an eye out for when they inevitably show up in an episode. Normally I wouldn't be hyperanalyzing a creator's posting habits like this, but there's been a unanimous suspicion among the LO community that Rachel's buffer for LO is only a couple weeks ahead at any given time. So, we waited. We kept our eyes peeled for these panels to show. And hoo boy, are the results of this little experiment pretty damning.

The sketch on the left was posted to Rachel's IG about 4 weeks ago. It showed up in Episode 219, posted last week on October 29th.

The sketch on the right was posted to Rachel's IG story on October 27th. It showed up in this week's episode, November 5th, just a little over a week later.

I'm not gonna pretend like we know all the facts from this evidence alone, but again, people have been suspicious over this for a while now so seeing these finished drawings show up in the new episodes anywhere from a week to a month later tells us a lot. To lay out some of the brunt of it:

Whatever buffer Rachel has is small and shrinking fast. There was a 2 week break at the start of the season to "rebuild LO's buffer", and from cross-referencing the HxP make-out sketch and when the episode went up, we know that the buffer at one point was around 4 weeks. Most Originals creators are encouraged to have a buffer of 9-15 episodes, not episodes in progress, but actual finished episodes that are ready for posting, so that the series can still update with new episodes even if the creator needs to take a break for a week or two or if an emergency arises in their life. With the proof of last week's sketches showing up in last night's episode, I think it's highly probable we'll be seeing another 2 week break by the time December rolls around, but it will likely be presented under the guise of a "holiday break".

Rachel does the roughs at the last minute and nothing more. It's basically been confirmed at this point that Rachel's only contribution to the comic is the roughs and script. From former interviews and Patreon chit chat posts that allude to this, to the fact that the only progress pics from Rachel that we ever see are roughs, to the credits in every episode that feature upwards of five separate assistants working on each episode but somehow the comic still manages to have incredibly inconsistent plot threads and art that looks like it's been rushed, Rachel is basically just doing the roughs for her comic, writing/drawing one panel at a time, and passing them along to her assistants to finish at the last minute. This would account for the art being so inconsistent (Rachel's roughs likely aren't very polished and don't feature any sort of referencing or direction for the team), every episode now being made up of mostly copy+pasted panels, as well as it feeling so rushed, because the assistants literally don't have time to draw different shots or put the episode through any rounds of clean-up before submitting it.

Considering there are ALSO sketches of HxP fluff that haven't made it into an episode yet*, Rachel may as well be working on fluff content before she works on anything else. Just because that H x P panel was drawn 4 weeks prior to it being uploaded doesn't mean that's the buffer. She could have just as well drawn it first because it's what she felt like drawing and either shoehorned it in somewhere or just saved the 'boring' stuff for last. So either her buffer was only a month ahead of time at one point and has since shrunk back down to 1-2 weeks, or she's working on new episodes a week at a time and saves the 'boring' stuff for last hence why each episode ends up with so many repeated copy+paste panels and drawn out dialogue. Both scenarios are terrible and indicative of a creator who is both clueless and doesn't give a shit.

Rachel spends an absurd amount of time on social media. Between her Instagram and Twitter (both of which are often chock full of re-shared fan content that has the Lore Olympus hashtag on it) her new Tiktok account, her VERY strictly moderated FastPass FB groups (that she is an administrator for so she can lock any thread that has a hint of criticism in it**) and her Discord, Rachel seems to spend the majority of her time stalking her favorite hashtags and retweeting them (I've literally had some of my own fanart pieces retweeted within SECONDS of me posting them). But she'll still put out Tiktok videos talking about how behind she is and how hard she's working - literally working on episodes the week they're due as we've proven - videos that she's clearly spending time away from her comic to make and that she's sticking around in afterwards to check the stats and respond to comments from her fans. It's great that she's sharing fanart from her readers, but not so great if she's doing it so much that it's eating into her time to develop the very comic they're creating fanart for.

Hot take, but I can't help but feel that Rachel can only afford to not give a shit about her workflow and how she manages her team because she's in the top 1% of creators. Believe me, I've seen the stress building up in the WT Originals community from creators who are being vastly underpaid and overworked. None of them can afford to be so lazy with their work, because a single week without an episode for them means not paying the rent that month. They don't get mid-season hiatuses, they don't get 2 week 'buffer build' breaks, it's a constant grind of 12-18 hour days because if their series doesn't perform well, not only will they not get renewed for another season, but they likely won't even receive any FastPass revenue due to not hitting the 'threshold' they need to hit to receive it. This is not a problem for Rachel who is someone with millions of subscribers and thousands of regular readers checking in each week but also someone who we speculate got in on the FP program before they introduced the Minimum Revenue Threshold around 2020. Hence, she likely does not need to hit that threshold in the first place to receive her earnings. Every other Originals creator who is subject to the MRT system has to work their ass off and hope that Webtoons will give them enough promotion to draw in traffic to hit that threshold and not get cancelled - but those beneficial front-facing slots are often given to Lore Olympus every time it updates, often for an entire weekend at a time, while its creator fucks around on Twitter, gets mad at 'haters', talks about how busy and 'behind' she is, while she visibly miffs around with non-comic-production-related-things like making memes or rigging Vtuber models.

Let's just say, there's a reason why whenever there are Webtoon controversies concerning the state of their working conditions, you never see Rachel say a word. She is simply not affected by WT's current state of affairs so does not feel the need to speak up against it. I'm willing to bet the only time we'll ever see Rachel talk 'bad' about Webtoons, it will be after she's inevitably driven her own image and comic into the ground.

Concerning *: Here are some sketches that haven't made it into any episodes yet. It's hard to tell if they will, I can assume the one on Twitter will show up but the other two could very well just be Rachel faffing about for fun. Either way, these exist and are still publically viewable, so if they DO show up in any future episodes, we can cross-reference them later.

Left: Oct 28th Middle: Nov 4th Right: Oct 29th

The following Hades panel will very likely show up in the upcoming November 12th FastPass episode. If it does, that not only tells us Rachel truly is only working on these episodes 1-2 weeks ahead at a time, but also that she's working on them out of order as this FINISHED drawing showed up BEFORE the UNFINISHED Persephone sketch from above showed up in her IG story - with its respective finished drawing showing up literally a week later.

Concerning **: Rachel is literally an administrator in the official LO FastPass group on Facebook, which wouldn't be an issue if she weren't so anal about any perceived slight against her work. She will literally lock any thread that doesn't make her look good.

And her own interactions with these fans posts may as well be borderline psychotic. She'll either immediately refute any amount of fan theories on the spot (destroying any semblance of discussion or fun theorizing to be had) or just... comment really messed up shit that says a lot about her and how she writes her precious cinnamon roll protagonist.

Fun fact, she got banned from a FB group that memes on LO because she tried to harass the administrators of the group to ban all criticism. The admins banned her instead. It's not really relevant to this post but I wanted to say it anyways because it's fucking hilarious.

***EDIT TO ADD: She didn't just get banned, she was so butthurt over it that she apparently bitched about it in her Patreon, which her cult accepted as permission to go after members of this same FB group. All just for not kissing the ground RS walked on. Literally psychotic cult behavior.

Let's Play creator mongie has done similar things, so this seems to just be a general attitude among the top-earning creators on WT (yikes), but that's another topic.

Concerning the actual topic at hand, the last thing I'll mention is, save for the credits at the end of each episode, Rachel barely ever gives her assistants credit when she goes on rants about how "busy" she is or how "successful" she's become. You'll never see her thank her assistants or give them credit for how easy they're making her life that she can get away with doing the roughs at the last minute and spend the rest of her time talking about her dog, showing off her new gel nails, or talking about how much of a workaholic she is. But she sure as shit will throw her assistants under the bus whenever she has to come up with an excuse for the sloppy inconsistent art.

TL ; DR: Rachel is not 'busy'. She's just incredibly bad at managing her deadlines and team of assistants and would literally rather whine about how behind she is to make it sound like she's pressed for time. Which, she absolutely is. But it's not because of Webtoons or because LO is a hard comic to put together, it's literally her own undoing. You know what they say - it takes way more work to pretend to look busy than it does to actually do your job.

Rant over.

#lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lore olympus #i literally bet you $50 that we're gonna see another 2 week break soon #this has been such a fun game for us lmao

[aprillikesthings]

okay one more tonight

Which according to netflix is s3 ep1 but ehhhhh it's really a continuation of s2 imho

The Price of Power

(ominous)

I told myself I'd make this post shorter than the last few and I'm 99% I completely failed lol but this one had a LOT of lore and shit

AAAUGH

Angella's protectiveness is usually annoying but tbh I would feel the same way here in her situation, anyway Glimmer got it from somewhere lol

low blow, Shadow Weaver

I couldn't figure out why she woke up gasping so hard even though I just watched the last episode like three hours ago lol (Hordak had cut off her air until she passed out, and this is where she woke up, poor thing)

Catra: "It doesn't matter what I do. I don't get to win." :( but also "winning" should not be the objective of your life and you will spend the next season and a half being forced to learn that

Once again Scorpia's obvious one-sided love is painful to watch.

I hate that she's not entirely wrong!!! Like given her life up to this point of course she'd come to this conclusion. D:

Glimmer: The Horde is evil, and EVIL PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE Adora: I'm standing right here. Like you're literally talking to me.

(Okay but it's often true in the case of abusers, especially in romantic relationships. If you haven't read "Why Does He Do That" you should. Majority of abusers don't change for long--he talks about the circumstances under which they do, but repeatedly notes that it's very very rare and that a lot of them are good at faking improvement just for the amount of time it takes to get you under their control again. In any case that's why if people believe your partner is abusing you, the universal advice is "you need to leave.")

uggggh and the worst part is, she's actually right about a number of people in the Horde! I always knew it was a matter of time before Scorpia left the Horde, for instance.

But Shadow Weaver? Adora wants to believe this because Shadow Weaver was her mom, basically.

that's not how it works!!!

NOT REALLY.

I know I'm going to end up referencing this post again later, but it's worth a read:

"You think Shadow Weaver should have had a redemption arc? From her perspective, she DID." It also compares her arc to Catra's.

(spoilers for the rest of the show obv)

Anyway Bow and Glimmer offer to go with her, which is a good thing to do if you're ever going to try to talk things out with your abuser, because 1. they behave better in front of witnesses, generally speaking 2. other people are more likely to spot manipulative bullshit

yeeeurgh the way she says it is so icky

seriously she lays it on thick "oh I've missed you my child" eat dirt. Even after Adora's like "lol nice try" she's still like "oooh, so clever, I always knew you were smarter than everyone else" like you're still doing it.

"I was special only as long as I obeyed you" damn right

Compassionate to a fault as always, but also, I know there's still that bit of hope in there, the same one Catra had, of making her happy and finally getting loved. Adora has a huge advantage Catra didn't, though; which is that she has a great deal of love in her life from other sources. :(

Hordak: I am Evil and Scary!!! And I want Catra GONE. Entrapta: Yeah, okay. So anyway like I was saying, Catra's improved everything, but also, we need her to get us this thing!!! Hordak: No. Go away. Entrapta: :( k but I'll leave the info here for you to read on your own

The sad thing is, Shadow Weaver can be a good teacher.

ngl that's cool

also ugh. Shadow Weaver is in fact honest here: she's got nowhere to go, she wants revenge, helping Adora's the best way to do that.

plotty stuff I want to remember later: Hordak's goal is opening a portal into space to get Horde's armies through and defeat Etheria forever--and this is the first time a bunch of characters find out the Horde is bigger than one army on Etheria, and the reason he's close to getting that portal now is that Entrapta is helping him, and that once upon a time Hordak did succeed in opening a portal for a moment, and Adora was the result--she wasn't born on Etheria.

Glimmer: you're a fuckin' liar Shadow Weaver: I mean usually yeah lol. But like, why would I bother this time, what would I get out of it?

has anyone written an essay/post/paper about Adora as a bit of a Jesus figure

(I mean a LOT of people treat She-Ra like she's a messiah equivalent? But uhhhh that's also just how The Chosen One trope tends to go. Plus Jesus didn't resurrect himself so he could kiss a girl--though he did choose to show himself post-resurrection to Mary Magdalene first, so interpret that as you will.)

Anyway Adora kinda flips out at this information (she knows in her bones that Shadow Weaver is telling the truth) and bolts from the room

airbrush THAT on the side of a van lol

The way she screams "answer me!" at Light Hope is so good

Adora: babies don't remember shit????? Light Hope: oh.

There's a "vaginas are portals to another dimension bc childbirth" joke in there somewhere.

plot plot the First Ones came from beyond the stars, the sword is made to only respond to "one of their own kind," congrats Adora you're literally a different kind of person than every other person on Etheria.

(the timelines on this are confusing to me, I can't remember if Mara taking Etheria into another dimension also fucked with time passing, OH HEY I FOUND A FAN-MADE TIMELINE no idea how accurate it is tho especially considering the number of typos/misspellings, also elsewhere someone said each season of the show is apparently meant to be a whole YEAR?? I was thinking a few months at most??? I need to find if that's Word of God anywhere)

Theoretically yes but Netflix doesn't have the rights to any of the He-Man stuff, sorry

When Mara cut Etheria off from the rest of the universe she destroyed the portal capabilities. If you open a portal now bad shit will go down

(uh oh)

Adora: omg Mara's from the same place as me???

LIAR

Light Hope: being She-Ra is an honor!

Oh look it's one of the major themes of the show! Being The Chosen One sucks, actually!!

GEE, REALLY??? you think maybe people like getting to fuckin' cHOOSE

Adora: man I am tired of people not telling me shit!! Fuck this I'm gonna see what I can actually figure out on my own

She wants to know why Mara stranded Etheria. Remember that constellation being over part of the Crimson Waste that was in the whole "Mara portal Serenia" message bullshit? That's where she's going

Glimmer and Bow: road trip! road trip!

i'd be pissing myself in fear ngl

Hordak: this bitch is a failure!!! Catra: no u

everyone's reaction to that is priceless omg

LOL SHE'S RIGHT THO does Hordak want to spend his day looking at files listing how many bits of armor they need

I was gonna make an Entrapta joke but the next line is "and that's why you can't defeat a group of teenagers" and damn she's got a POINT

BAAAHAHAHAH

"My girlfriend doesn't want to do stacks of paperwork and shit either, it turns out; anyway you're going to get us some old spare parts First Ones' tech from the Pick-n-Pull Crimson Waste"

(I just realized people might not know what a Pick-n-Pull is--it's like a junkyard of cars where you can go and just take parts off of things for cheap. You have to find and take the parts off yourself.)

Catra: dude nothing lives in the Crimson Waste??? Hordak: heh heh I know :)

AAAND END OF EPISODE

Sadly I have the energy for another one but my headphones are killing me and I can't do it in the bedroom without headphones because Daci is trying to sleep. Which is a shame because the next episode is Huntara!!

ALSO y'know that timeline I linked way earlier in the post? parts of it are kinda iffy but I'm lol'ing because good lord as bananas as the lore can sometimes be, I'm still thinking that one for Steven Universe would be even wilder (and we know Rebecca Sugar actually had one, written out on paper, with a ton of color-coding). But also this summary of Adora's first convo with Light Hope is WILD because IT'S NOT WRONG (hardcore spoilers ahoy? but also if that's an issue you shouldn't be reading these posts lol):

Adora encounters Light Hope and is given the quest to "balance the planet". Light Hope attempts to isolate Adora from her friends my saying that balancing the planet requires her to let go of her attachments to her friends. This bears remarkable similarity to cult-psychology isolation tactics. It is especially worrying once you know that Light Hope is a Paperclip Maximizer and "Balance the Planet" is a euphemism for "rebuild and rearm the Weapon of Universal Genocide".

And if you've never heard of "paperclip maximizers" the wikipedia page about them is awesome but also I once wrote a post about the gems from Steven Universe also being paperclip maximizers. Here's a quote from the wikipedia page:

Suppose we have an AI whose only goal is to make as many paper clips as possible. The AI will realize quickly that it would be much better if there were no humans because humans might decide to switch it off. Because if humans do so, there would be fewer paper clips. Also, human bodies contain a lot of atoms that could be made into paper clips. The future that the AI would be trying to gear towards would be one in which there were a lot of paper clips but no humans. (Nick Bostrom, “Ethical Issues in Advanced Artificial Intelligence”, 2003)

#april rewatches spop #the price of power

[wrenwinchester]

Oh look at that, I am alive. Anyway…

So I had to pause my rewatch of supernatural near the end of season 10 because I couldn’t bring myself to watch Charlie die, so until this week I hadn’t watched since like late October. Which was fair cuz I had school and whatnot. Anyway, I’m watching again cuz I’m sick and I don’t know what else to do with my time. Anyway. Here’s my new head canon.

Ever since I watched Swan song the first time I just “knew” Chuck was God. Confirmed in season 10 episode 5 when he showed up at the end, but. My brain has made a new connection. And I think we’re wrong. I think Chuck is wrong. And I’m going to explain why.

1) I think Chuck thinks he’s God, but biblically speaking, God doesn’t have an opposite. Amara’s existence proves this point.

2) Genesis 1:3 “God said “Let there be light,” and there was light.” Chuck is the light to Amara’s darkness, one can’t exist without the other.

3) in episode 9 of season 11, when Dean was talking to Amara about her history with her brother and he mentions daddy issues something along the lines of “whoever Daddy loved more…” and her response is “there was no father” or something like that. And like. Supernatural is definitely the kind of show to follow the “God is a woman” which I have no problem with. So no Dad, they’ve got a mom.

4) so, God built the world, and she left, but Chuck took over and he created people. (Evidenced by the original Adam hating him). I’d even buy that he created the angels. We know how they worship him. And call him Dad, but I still don’t think he’s God God. You know?

5) and probably the most damning of evidence is that Chuck and Amara came into being at the same time. And again Biblically speaking, God was alone at first.

6) Death is older than “God” referencing the guy who created humans and angels. But he can’t be older than God right? I mean. Come on. If there’s nothing to die, Death can’t exist. And we know Chuck and Amara can die. (See season 15). So… anyway.

TLDR: Chuck isn’t God, God. Because the light and darkness were created and Chuck is the Light to Amara’s Darkness.

#dean winchester #supernatural #sam winchester #spn #the winchesters #headcanon #spnfamily #chuck shirley #amara supernatural #death supernatural #thoughts

[sleepymarmot]

Clone Wars 2003

Caution, the review for Vol 1 is very negative. tl;dr: You might want to skip straight to Vol 2 if you want something other than fight scenes.

Volume 1

Damn my misguided sense of completionist duty for making me sit down and finish this despite pausing about 20 times due to being bored out of my mind.

Have you ever wanted to see an hour long non-stop action scene with no stakes or structure or context? Then this is for you. Many times I was tempted to fast-forward only to remember there’s nothing else here, the entire thing is fast-forward material. It less of a TV show and more of a five year old boy playing with action figures.

Oh you love these characters? Here they have almost no lines, no personality, nothing to do but defeat hordes of enemies like they’re in a MMO, and also they look really ugly. A special shout out to “Anakin”’s He-Man meme recreation that hurt me in the very soul with how ugly and dumb it was.

Volume 2

This feels like a completely different show. The first two seasons were basically an animation exercise; this is a normal cartoon with standard, cheaper-looking animation and also story and recognizable characters. This is what I expected the entire show to be: a coherent story bridging the gap between episodes 2 and 3. I wonder if the writers had access to the script and some visuals of ROTS or just followed extremely detailed instructions. The continuity of the prelude leading directly into the opening scene of the episode is remarkable, but the show is also filled with the “missing scenes” referencing other changes and new additions of ROTS: Anakin’s graduation, Anakin seeing C3PO’s new gold plating, Dooku training Grievous, Anakin getting a new mechanical hand, Grievous having his lungs injured. Anakin gets a bit of brothers-in-arms bonding with Obi-Wan and a couple of scenes where his impatience and rashness lead to a socially awkward situation, which feel true to canon; the Spiritual Journey of Heavy Foreshadowing storyline feels tonally jarring, though. Anakin is almost as ugly as he was in the first half, but the animation style actually suits Grievous’s mechanical features, and also he’s funny; the same can be said of Palpatine.

#star wars #blah blah blah

[thehiddenmemoryuniverse]

Lucifer Ending: Tragedy and Contradiction

Okay, so I tried really hard to resist the urge to post anything about it, and I even held out for over a week trying to process/calm my feelings about the ending to Lucifer. I’ve tried, I really have, but the more I try, the more I CANNOT rationalize that ending. As you may have guessed, I absolutely hated the ending, and I just really, really, have to get my feelings out about it. If you liked the ending (I really wish I could be you!!), you may want to skip reading any further (I recommend you do, in fact). 

Ultimately, regardless of the details, that ending for Chloe/Lucifer is just way too heartbreakingly tragic and sad, however, this is made all the more unbearable because none of it makes ANY damn sense.  

I’m just going to start by pasting a bunch of quotes first:

2x05

Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.

Mum: If anyone can find it, it's you.

2x02 Chloe: “Doing what's best for your child, it doesn't always make them happy.”

3x16

Cain: But you're the Devil, you always keep your word.

Lucifer: I do. So I hope you understand how difficult a decision this was. And yet, oddly, the easiest I've ever made.

6x01

Lucifer: I love you, Chloe Decker. I'd do anything for you. Except give you up. Give us up.

6x09

Lucifer: I need you to know that if there is any choice to be had at all, I will always... choose us.

6x07

Rory: You make choices, Mom. If I told you what they are, you wouldn't really be making them any more.

Yeah. Not going to comment further on these right now. 

Nor am I going to even get into the whole fate vs free will. Regardless of your views on that debate, why on earth a show about free will spends its final season spotlighting the widespread, controversial debate of fate vs free will by introducing a time loop plot, I’ll never understand. 

But even if we forget the numerous issues/contradictions with that (and the ridiculous irony of Rory’s quote shown above), and accept that Lucifer and Chloe chose this, I honestly feel like screaming because WHY??? Why on earth would they EVER want to chose this? 

I know the 2 reasons given, the reasons everyone is speaking up with, the reasons expanded on at length in fanfiction, and I’ve tried really, REALLY hard to rationalize them in my head, tried to enjoy the sweet moments fanfic writers are trying to make of it, but I cannot. Because it doesn’t make any damn sense whatsoever to me.

Reason # 1: Lucifer never would’ve realized his ‘calling’ to help tortured souls in Hell.  

Right. First of all, if it really is his ‘calling’ he would figure it out eventually because that’s what a bloody calling is. I mean really. Not to mention there was plenty of evidence that he was figuring it out already, and him figuring it out after actually helping people in hell (Jimmy, Dan, Mr. Said out bitch), makes way more sense than stopping someone from making the mistake of killing someone else.

And second, even if we accept the argument that he wouldn’t find his calling, we are then saying that he chose his ‘calling’ over his own family, the people he loves most of all? That’s beyond awful to me. And pretty much destroys all of the growth and beauty and love and development across the series. A complete contradiction to even earlier in series 6. See above quotes. Lucifer tells Chloe he’d do anything for her, except give her up, give them up. He tells her if there’s ever any choice to be had he would chose them (his family). So, what the heck? Which leads me to reason 2, and beware with continuing because this is UNBEARABLY frustrating to me so I may get a bit heated. I just can’t. I can’t understand this.  Reason #2: They did it for their daughter, because she asked them to, because she didn’t want them to change her, because she’s happy with who she is, etc, etc..

This is the most widely accepted reason, the most referenced in fanfic, that it’s so beautiful because Lucifer and Chloe sacrificed everything for their daughter because they loved her so much.

I’m sorry, I really am, I tried so hard to make sense of this but it makes the least sense to me of all. 

Why on EARTH is Rory growing up without her father better for her? Why on earth would Lucifer, of all people, knowing the pain it causes, ever chose that for his daughter?

This is not sacrificing for their daughter, this is sacrificing for NOTHING at all. This is doing the ABSOLUTE worst for their daughter, all because she asked them to?

And her asking them to in the first place makes no sense either. Why on earth would Rory ASK for it after all the pain it caused her? Earlier she told Lucifer and Chloe that him leaving ‘ruined her life’, and now all of a sudden she’s happy with it? After seeing and reading how much Lucifer and Chloe loved each other she wants to separate them? After saying she now loves Lucifer too she wants to do that to him? And you can’t tell me it’s her being selfless because she thinks he won’t find his ‘calling’ otherwise, because even if he doesn’t (which he would for reasons above), then again we are saying they are choosing a ‘calling’ over family, over those they love most. Or, even worse, Rory, is choosing FOR HIM and ROBBING him of his choice to chose his family over his ‘calling���. 

No matter what way you spin it, it is just all kinds of wrong and messed up, and does not showcase the love the characters have for each other, nor the freedom of choice.

There’s nothing beautiful about any of this to me. It’s just plain awful and cruel for NO REASON. 

Yes, I know I’m missing one popular theme with all of this, and I might just hate this one most of all: That even though Rory suffered it made her stronger, she’s proud of who she is, and they don’t want to change her, don’t want to ‘kill’ this version of Rory who grew up without her dad. 

No. Just no. This pains me immensely. So we’re saying that she’s a better person having grown up without a Dad than she would’ve been growing up with a complete, loving family? That people who grow up with loving families can’t be as strong and proud of who they are? WTF? 

Sure, we as people are only strong in life when we need to be but that doesn’t mean that someone who grew up more fortunate doesn’t still have the capacity for that strength (or that they don’t suffer in other ways).

Yeah, it’s beautiful when you grew up abandoned and were able to eventually overcome it, but in reality you’ll always be scarred to some degree, and you certainly would have been less messed up, happier if you hadn’t.

Changing the time loop so that Rory could grow up with her father in her life wouldn’t ‘kill’ her. Fundamentally she’d still be the same, still would have grown up with her ‘kickass’ mom. All the good parts would still be there. There would just be even more good and much less of the bad.

How on earth would Chloe and Lucifer not want to chose that?

There is no way anyone can ever convince me that you come out better growing up abandoned by your father than you would have if he hadn’t. Just no.

We are strong and proud to overcome something only when WE HAVE NO CHOICE. CHOOSING to suffer just to show how great you are afterward for overcoming it when you could have chosen NOT to suffer at all, is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. 

It reminds me of a quote from one of my childhood movies, the original “Lion King.’ Little Simba tells his dad he went looking for danger to show that he’s brave, and his dad answers, “I’m only brave when I have to be.” 

So.  Circling back. Ignoring the debate on whether or not there was even a choice given (fate vs free will and ridiculous time loops). Ignoring that Lucifer likely (and should have) been able to find his ‘calling’ anyway. 

Then, in summary, we are left with Lucifer (and Chloe) ‘choosing’ for Lucifer to leave them for Hell, abandoning them both (and Trixie) because either

1) Lucifer’s calling is more important than being with his family

2) Rory wants to suffer, to let her parents suffer an unimaginable amount of pain, just to show that she comes out better for it, even when she can choose not to suffer at all. And Chloe and Lucifer are both in agreement that this is best for them and their daughter. 

What. The. Hell???!!

I’m sorry, but there’s no rationale for this. None. At. All. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I would never be happy with such a devastatingly heartbreaking ending no matter what the reasons, but, HOLY HELL, can they at least have had it make even the smallest amount of SENSE?! 

It’s just angst for the sake of angst, and I especially did not expect this from this show. It was always a show not to be taken too seriously, not to overthink and just have fun with, and that’s what made it work for me. But then they decide it’s a good idea to 1) throw in a time loop plot when time loops in fiction is pretty much the definition of serious complexity and making viewers overthink. And 2) have it end with such a tragic and sad ending that makes no sense. I am so sick and tired of the trend now days that shows can’t have happy endings.

(Edit: Now look what happened. I’ve gone and made another rant: https://thehiddenmemoryuniverse.tumblr.com/post/663357629901438976/lucifer-morningstars-broken-journey)

#Lucifer #lucifer spoilers #lucifer season 6 #deckerstar #discussion #Lucifer discussion

[aftgficrec]

First, I LOVE what you are doing, thank you so much.

Second: any that focus on the baby foxes—aside from just Neil punching Jack?

All the older foxes have stories that go more into their character, we can see why they are assholes (and almost excuse them). Any for the baby foxes (particularly Jack) like this?

Alternatively, any where the older foxes are held accountable for their asshole actions? (Andrew forcing Aaron’s withdrawal, the chocking incident, the speedballs, Matt’s attacking Kevin for stuff that isn’t his fault, Nicky’s kissing Neil, Andrew’s drugging of anyone he considers suspicious, etc.)

Ok, so Robin Cross and Jack are future foxes discussed in Nora’s extra content. Robin has some in-depth fics written about her backstory, most notably the true crime podcast AU ‘Red Rabbits: Season 2,’ below. We found a bit of Jack’s past in ‘Lessons In Cartography’ (chapters 19 and 20), and a bit of Robin’s in sequel ‘The Cartographer and the World’ (chapters 8 and 13), find both here.

I’ve also got some accountability fics for you. - A

Robin & Jack:

fics featuring the freshmen here

Jack and Sheena being assholes here

Neil fights with Jack here

‘pick up all the pieces (and what’s left of my pride)’ here

‘Red-Breasted Fox’ here

og foxes held accountable:

Confrontations about demisexuality/Andrew's soullessness here

Foxes feel guilty about Andrew here

New finds for Nicky kissing Neil here; master list here

Andrew apologizes to Kevin here

you may also like:

some with Jean reacting to Kevin’s role at the nest: ‘playing on’ and ‘Staring at the Sun’ (updated) here; ‘give your tears to the tide’ here

‘creature of habit’ here (fix-it fic for Nicky’s character)

Aaron’s ptsd from withdrawal here

in-depth fics for Robin Cross

Teaching a caged bird to fly series by Charcoalll [Rated T/M, Collection with 4 complete works, Last Updated Sept 2021]

Part 1: Sunrise over Home [M (we say T), 7870 Words]

Robin Cross is regretting ever signing with the Foxes more and more every day. But when a disastrous day at court leads to emotions culminating, she has a much needed talk with her coach. Turns out her recrutation wasn't as random as she thought, but why would Andrew Minyard off all people have an interest in her?

No matter what, it all ends on that cursed roof at midnight.

tw: violence, tw: negative self talk, tw: bullying, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced csa

Part 2: Guilt, Fault and Blame [T, 9093 Words]

Whatever that night at the roof meant, it changed Robin's life rather quickly. On the edge of a life she never thought she could have, she has to make some thought decisions.

What is Andrew's true intentions?

What does he want with her?

And is Steven still in controll of her from his prison cell halfway cross country?

Or; Robin begins driving with the monsters from practice and suddenly everything changes.

tw: anxiety, tw: drugs, tw: alcohol, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced kidnapping, tw: implied/referenced murder of a child

Part 3: Never felt Safer [T, 3465 Words]

Robin finally earned Andrew's attention. Now she's standing in front of the biggest changes her life has seen, but as it seems it's only for the better.

tw: violence

Part 4: Secret Privacy [M (we say T), 15790 Words]

5 times Robin saw the emotions others seemed blind to, and 1 time it was painfully obvious.

Or Andrew and Neil through Robin's eyes.

tw: alcohol, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: slurs

Red Rabbits: Season 2 by bloodydamnit, jeni182 [Rated E, 282064 words, complete, 2020]

You’re listening to Season Two of Red Rabbits, the Case of the Newark 9. My name is Robin Cross. I’m number 8. And I survived.

Disclaimer: This season is dark. We won't pretend it's not. It's dark and it's not for the faint of heart, but we really tried to make every single action we take justified. Nothing that is tagged under abuse or otherwise is current and it is in no way detailed, whatsoever. We really took every reference seriously and there will be a list of triggers before every single chapter. It's part of the reason why getting this story out took so long. We want you all to know we have been double and triple checking ourselves to make sure every topic in this Season is handled properly. If there are any questions, please message us via the links in the AN of ch 1.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: referenced kidnapping, tw: referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: scars, tw: implied violence

accountability

cause and effect by clarodelune [Rated G, 2682 Words, Complete, 2020]

cause-and-effect [ kawz-uh nd-i-fekt, -uh n- ]

adjective

1. the principle of causation.

2. noting a relationship between actions or events such that one or more are the result of the other or others.

or: in which andrew understands actions have consequences and that losing kevin might just be one of them.

tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: implied/referenced non-consensual drug use, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: ptsd

hand over hand series by lackingsoy [Rated T, Collection, 4 complete works, Last Updated August 2020]

Part 1: the deal's done [4091 Words]

"Does it hurt," Allison's voice was bleak.

"What do you think," Kevin replied, somehow managing to sound steady despite his closed throat.

Allison looked at him, eyes remarkably cool for someone who went toe to toe with Seth and other despicable players. "I think," she said, lips popping on the last word: "You, Kevin Day, are heartbroken."

Five fingers, one promise, and the end of a lifeline. Post-hotel scene, the long hours after but before Neil gets picked back up by the Foxes, wherein Kevin stares into the face of his wounds, Allison extends an olive branch, and Renee decides, in the privacy of her own mind, to stop playing mediator.

tw: implied/referenced violence, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Part 2: domestic bliss [4251 Words]

It was a vindictive, vicious sort of triumph, Kevin supposed, that made him turn his face to meet Andrew’s gaze. To rear his head just a little, bare his throat. A steady dark line, marred and patented.

Abuse aftermath is seen to seriously by Wymack and Abby; consequences are left in the hands of the Foxes; and a few finally make unprecedented moves. Kevin just wants to die, so maybe nothing's different. (Except it is; has to be.)

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced violence

Part 3: you asked for this (he didn't; you spat in the face of him) [1326 Words]

“You were supposed to be better,” Renee said. “For him.”

“That was never the deal,” Andrew told her.

Re: the loud crash. What actually happened when Renee sought out the Monster(s).

tw: violence

Part 4: a minor inconvenience, a smaller promise [1022 Words]

Aaron looked like he wanted to die this time. His shoulders shifted side to side, uncertain and uncomfortable. But his eyes were very clearly honed on the discoloring still visible on Kevin's neck, Allison's intensive powdering long washed off, and the darkness that passed over his eyes could've been misinterpreted for anger and maybe stupider still, regret.

tw: implied/referenced violence

Like Damned Guilty Deeds by EmilyScarlett [Rated M, 1679 words, complete, 2017]

The first time Jean and Kevin train together again after the events of the books.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: anxiety

#fic #neil josten/andrew minyard #robin cross & neil josten #robin cross & andrew minyard #jack #kevin day & the foxes #kevin day & andrew minyard #kevin day & jean moreau #universe: post canon #universe: canon divergent #au: true crime #theme: the freshmen #theme: angst #theme: fluff & angst #theme: protectiveness #theme: found families #theme: emotional hurt/comfort #theme: hurt/comfort #theme: injuries #theme: fix-it fic #theme: 5+1 #tw: violence #tw: negative self talk #tw: bullying #tw: panic attacks #tw: implied/referenced csa #tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon #tw: implied/referenced child abuse #tw: drugs #tw: alcohol

[sokkas1mp]

I gonna break in this acocunt with me being angry about something that doesn't really matter (very fitting for tumblr if you ask me), this article.

First: "And I’m sorry to open with this, but part of that is due to the age difference between them. Two years is hardly worlds apart (I’m personally working with four), but a 12-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl are. Especially the way these two are drawn. Not to be too voyeuristic about Y7 cartoons, but Katara has clearly gone through puberty, while Aang hasn’t. There is something just…off, about a sixth grade boy having a full on make-out sesh with a high school girl."

This argument is one of the most stupid ones if you ask me, because it blatantly ignores the culture we have been presented by the show. I can understand why people find this weird, but we have to try not to look at it as if its our society, because its not. In A:tla, specifically the water tribes, 16 is marrying age. Right there, our "age norms" (idk what else to call it) are very different. And there are no divisions between ages in their world like we have with middle and high school. To me, two people are fit to be together based on their maturity, not their age. That's why 45 & 40 is not the same as 15 & 10, or 20 & 15. This is the same for Kataang. They have very similar life experiences and matured together, literally side by side, so a two year ago gap is irrelevant.

Second: "...Katara took on a very maternal role with Aang. Sure, she’s a caretaker and sort of a “mom friend,” but it’s a bit more than that. She served as his literal guardian during the show’s run—there’s just no other way to look at it. By the third episode, she called herself his “family,” and later even went on to role play as his mother to get him out of trouble at school. Aang, meanwhile, was… Well, I wouldn’t say “immature” for his age, […] However, Katara is 14 going on 25, while Aang is just, Aang."

There's a compilation of Katara doing thing with Aang that if someone saw a mother doing with her son they would call it incest:

Katara definitely acts motherly towards Aang, but that is just her nature. She is more than just motherly with him. And some people like to call the check kisses familial (which is kinda weird imo), but we know Katara herself doesnt think that:

"Easy there, big brother" She pushes Sokka away. Not to mention, this was about a scene or two before she kisses Aang on the check.

Calling someone close to you your family does not mean you see them in the same way you see your parents/siblings. And Sokka played Aang's father in that scene, but we aren't sitting here using that as evidence to call him Aang's paternal figure.

Something Aang haters forget (or chose to ignore) is that being lighthearted and goofy does not equal immature. Yes, Aang does some juvenile things, but that shouldn't take away from his growth and maturity.

Third: "In fact, in the last season, Katara was shown to be uncomfortable each time Aang kisses her, and even went as far as to tell him to back off with the romantic stuff in the episode before the finale, because she was confused about how she felt. [*new paragraph*] Yet, in the end, she just trots up and blushes at Aang, than happily makes out with him when he goes for it,"

Katara initiated 2/4 of the kataang kisses (not including the check kisses). The kiss in The Cave of Two Lovers and the kiss in the finale. Yes, she's the one that "goes for it" in the finale (she also initiates the hug). She only pulls away once out of the 3 times we see a kiss end (this would be excluding the kiss in The Cave of Two Lovers). She wasn't confused about her feelings, she didn't want to have to worry about a relationship when they were nearing the end of the war.

Fourth: "The post-canon comics only furthered the lack of exploration of her feelings in this relationship"

Fifth: "[referencing a scene in The Promise in which Katara is jealous of a fanclub being around Aang] "I'm sorry, this amazing, adult communication is blowing me away"

The are both still teenagers, who have zero previous relationship experience. Also, Aang had no ill intentions and Katara recognized it.

Sixth: [refencing Katara's role in The Legend of Korra] "Did Katara want to do anything other than sit in a healing hut and be known for having Aang's kids?"

This is another argument that just pisses me off. You can not use Katara's lifestyle in her 80s (she is 85 in s1) as judgement for her adulthood. It's purely assumption based. Constantly this author assumes that because she is in a relationship with Aang, Katara would drop her whole personality. What? Katara would not and could not be forced to do something or conform to some label and Aang wouldn't let it get to that point either. He would squash any idea that she is just "The Avatar's wife" or "The mother of the Avatar's children" the minute he heard it.

Seven: [comparing Katara's reaction to Aang The Desert to Aang's reaction to Katara in The Southern Raiders] "You'll spend a long time looking for her condescending tones. "Anger won't help, Aang," Katara never said, because she got that he was processing something painful and needed to sort it out himself. This difference in behavior is something that would be really fitting for a twelve year old boy to learn and understand. There's just no indication that he ever did."

Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I don't remember Aang being condescending towards Katara. He was offering his advice because he knew her and knew that she would regret doing what she thought was right when her judgement was clouded by anger. And guess what. He was right. He never forced anything on her, either. Sure, he was a bit more pushy than he could've been, but in the end he let her go on the trip with no complaints. He even agreed that this was something she had to do.

Eighth: [referencing The Ember Island Players] "When the actor says 'Wait! I thought you were the Avatar's girl', Aang agrees. Katara is his."

You know damn well Aang doesn't see Katara as just his. And she's give him PLENTY of reason to believe that his feelings are reciprocated (which they are).

Ninth: "It's the story of a woman who swallows everything lest the man she's interested in has to learn anything about his behavior that violates her boundaries."

Ha! You said she was interested in him.

But in all seriousness, you mentioned how Katara stood her ground and told Aang that she was confused, but apparently now she's swallowing her feeings.

Tenth: [talks about the cloud babies daddy issues]

I don't disagree with what is said here, for the most part, but I don't think it is a reflection on Aang and Katara's relationship.

Eleventh: "... given what what we got with Kataang, it's completely unsurprising that Aang and Katara's parenthood/adult life was defined by a lack of communication and availability, at least from what we can tell. This also puts Katara's choice to immediately moved to the South Pole once Aang died in perspective; perhaps the city he poured all his energy into, at the cost of his family, held some bitter memories."

Once again with the lack communication. We can't use the early years of their relationship to determine their whole relationship. Also, there wasn't consistently a lack of communication, you just pointed out one time and ran with it.

We don't know at what point Katara moved back to the South Pole, but there are plenty of reasons for Katara to leave Air Temple Island:

a) Her son moving in/or planning to move in with his family.

b) She was no longer needed in the city and thus had no need to stay.

c) She wanted to go back to her native home for comfort after the love of her life died at a relatively early age.

d) The next Avatar was discovered and she came home to train them.

That's all. Thank you for reading my unnecessary rant if you made it this far, and I just want to close out with a few things:

- There were some things in the article that I did not include for the fear of this becoming a novel of me repeating myself.

- I agree with most thing said in the final segment of the the article. Most, not all.

- I appreciate the author for not trying to shove Zutara in just because Kataang wasn't there. That is becoming increasingly uncommon, so it was nice to see.

#kataang #pro kataang #katara #aang #pro katara #pro aang #atla

[thewayofthemandalorian]

who i’m meant to be - oneshot

Pairing: Din Djarin x F!Reader Rating: M Word count: 3,500 Summary: Din Djarin - your husband - has pulled away suddenly, leaving you filled with worry and doubt in your relationship. When you finally confront him, he tells you what has been weighing on his mind. Notes: So this spoils a major part of the third episode of season 2, so carry on unless you have seen it. It’s beneath the cut, as always, so you can skip ahead without fear of accidentally reading it. Warnings: ANGST. Like so much angst. Implied/referenced sex, identity crisis. Spoilers for episode 2.03 “Chapter Eleven: The Heiress”.

Taglist: @dindjarindiaries @goldafterglow @frannyzooey @absurdthirst @catfishingmorales @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @hopelikethesun @forever-rogue @f0rever15elf @thewaythisis @marvel-and-mischief @seasonschange-butpeopledont @sin-djarin @ezrasarm @din-damn-djarin @opheliaelysia @pajamasecrets @mandohatesdroids @poenariuniverse @fioccodineveautunnale @fleetwoodmactshirts @auty-ren @profkenobi @storiesofthefandomlovers @ithinkwehitametaphor @yespolkadotkitty @cinewhore @wille-zarr @tangledlove27 @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @cryptkeepersoul @hayley-the-comet @clydesducktape @jaime1110 @computeringturtle @lovinglokiforever @justanotherblonde23 @sesamepancakes @phoenixhalliwell @giselatropicana @buckysalefty @fromthedeskoftheraven @paintballkid711 @ghostwiththemostbitch @revolution-starter @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @lilkermit14 @luvzoria @none-of-your-bullshit @sithkrispies @xserenax-13 @princess-and-pedro @dee-rosemary @kid-from-new-zealand @chibi-liz05 @dearspacepirates​ @mandolover86​

masterlist || read on ao3 || taglist form

Din had been quiet since he returned from helping the other Mandalorians a week or so ago. More so than usual. Reserved, skittish.

It wasn’t anything you weren’t relatively used to. You had known Din for going on a year and a half now, and at the beginning, he had been shy, reserved. But not like this. Never like this. He was going through something, you knew that much.

Part of you wanted to let him come to you. You wanted him to know that you would help him through whatever it was that had him so rattled.

Was it the fact that he had a lead on the child and he was having second thoughts about bringing him?

Din had told you when he returned to you, the Child and the Frog people - who were gearing up for parenthood - that the Mandalorian known as Bo-Katan had told him of a Jedi by the name of Ahsoka Tano. It was the first concrete lead you had in well over three months.

The Razor Crest was in disarray, even after the man on Trask had “fixed” it. Even after you had returned to Tatooine to have Peli repair it properly, it was still not as it had been before.

That could be said about a lot of things.

You knew with complete certainty that you loved Din Djarin. You had since you first laid eyes on him. Well, maybe not that soon. But it wasn’t long after meeting him that you had first felt the tug of your heart, leading you to him. To his bed.

And in those early, unsure days, you knew with the same conviction that he loved you, too. How could he not, with the way that he touched you, the way he spoke to you, the way he did things for you?

But you were more sure in those early days that Din loved you than you were sure of it now.

It was hard to pinpoint what exactly had changed since he had returned from that Imperial ship with the other Mandalorians, but he was different with you. Different with the baby. And it was bothering you.

He didn’t love you anymore.

It was the only plausible explanation you could think of.

For well over a week, you had only seen his face in the scarcest of moments. He had pulled back any and all affection, not even allowing a keldabe kiss as he returned from missions. It was odd. In the beginning, you could only kiss him in the dark, when he showed you with his body just how much he cared for you, memorizing his face with your fingers and lips instead of your eyes. Unconventional but completely yours.

When you had agreed to marry him about three months after first joining him in his bunk, there was no grand revelation when he took his helmet off for the first time so that you could see. He was Din Djarin. You were his and he was yours. You hadn’t needed to see his face to love him - loving him was one of the easiest things you had ever done.

And for a while, well over a year, you thought it was one of the easiest things he had ever done, too.

Did he regret it? Marrying you? True, your riduurok had come quickly, but you had been so sure. Din had been so sure. He was the one that had asked you to marry him.

Din had always been so eager to rip the helmet off when he returned to the Crest following your marriage. So that you may shower his face in kisses and tend to any wounds he may have sustained. But recently, he only took his helmet off when he was in the ‘fresher, or after you had fallen asleep.

Tonight, though, you were going to stay awake long enough to speak to him. Not ambush. But gently ask him if something was wrong. Right now he was searching for co-ordinates to the planet where Ahsoka Tano was.

* * *

Usually Din was in charge of putting the child to bed, but the last week or so, it had become something you did by yourself.

“All right, bright eyes. Sleep well, my love,” you whispered as you eased the baby into his hammock above the cot you and Din shared. The baby blinked up at you sleepily, chirping quietly once or twice as if to say, “Where is father?”

You sighed. “I don’t know, sweetheart. He’s busy. But he’ll be here soon,” you said. The baby sighed, his eyes fluttering closed as you pulled a blanket up around him. You hated possibly lying to him. But Din always came to bed. Though he would never fully admit it, Din needed sleep. More than most, you would argue.

Busying yourself with menial end-of-day tasks, you thought over what you would say to Din when he finally came to bed. It was late. You were tired, you knew Din was probably exhausted. He was coming to bed later and later and getting up and leaving earlier and earlier with each passing day.

“Din, I was wondering, if you were okay,” you muttered to yourself as you picked up his spare cape, which you had had to hide from the child earlier that day. As much as you and Din loved that baby, he was busy. Frowning at the words you had chosen, you tried again, wanting to sound more supportive and less … intrusive, though you supposed you had every right as his wife to sound intrusive. It wasn’t intrusive if it was a genuine concern. “Din, I’m worried about you,” you said to yourself.

That was better. There was no easy way of broaching the subject. No one could casually walk up to their husband and say “I don’t think you love me anymore,” without repurcussions.

Placing Din’s spare cape at the end of the bed, you got ready for bed yourself. Din was up in the cockpit, trying to find any useful information on Corvus.

You thought back to right before you had picked up the Frog lady and her eggs - the eggs that were now her babies - Din had promised you, with an edge in his voice, that you and he were going to make great use of the bunk when you got back to the Crest after returning from Mos Pelgo. Your skin had tingled with the unspoken promise. But that promise hadn’t been fulfilled. Not even after you and Din had reunited your passenger with her husband.

Tears pricked at your eyes as you thought of how normal Din had been, even a week and a half ago compared to now.

Had he really changed his heart and his mind about you that quickly?

You yawned suddenly. It was rare for you to be awake this late. The baby’s snores filled the small compartment as you waited. Hopefully not too much longer.

Having just laid your head down on the pillow, you heard the bunk door open. Din would think you were asleep.

Checking that all the lights were off, Din gave one final look at the child to see that he was asleep. He reached out an ungloved hand and stroked his ear gently. The baby shifted slightly at the touch, but continued on sleeping.

Din never took long unclasping his armour. He had it down pat. Still, you missed being the one to remove it for him. Before Trask, you had always been the one to remove his armour at the end of the day. It was something you and he had both enjoyed.

As the hiss of the helmet coming off filled the room, mingling with the child’s even breathing, you knew that there was only a moment at most before he would climb in next to you.

“I know you’re awake, cyare.” See, he would continue to call you beautiful, his beloved. But there was no emotion in the words anymore, not like there had been.

Your eyes glazed over. “Yeah, I’m awake,” you said.

Din noticed the apprehension in your voice. He tampered down a sigh. He knew that you suspected something, he had seen the worried look in your eyes every day since leaving Trask. It was bothering him, too. He knew that you would look at him differently when you found out what he had about himself.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he slipped into bed.

You chuckled ruefully. “I could ask you that question,” you said. “I’ve been worried about you.”

Din didn’t bother to hide his sigh this time. “I-I know you have been, mesh’la.”

It wasn’t as though you had been hiding your worry. Maker above, it was like pulling teeth with this man sometimes.

Licking your lips, you continued. “You’ve been acting … differently,” you decided to say. “More quiet than usual. Reserved.”

Din didn’t say anything.

“And I was wondering…”

Before you could finish your sentence, Din interrupted you. “Everything’s fine.” His voice was terse.

“No it’s not, Din!” you shouted. “For the past week and a half, I’ve barely seen you. You don’t do anything except mope in that kriffing cockpit. You are hardly with me or the baby and you aren’t…” you trail off, not wanting to say the next words.

Din prompted you. “I’m not what?” he asked.

“You’re not affectionate with me anymore.” You heard Din sigh again. “Ever since Trask it’s like you’ve pulled away. You didn’t say anything about what happened on that Imperial ship with those other Mandalorians. Only that Moff Gideon was tracking the ship.”

Din knew he had to tell you. But he couldn’t. Not like this. Your words were like a punch to the gut. You were saying everything he knew he was guilty of doing.

Nothing could prepare him for your next words.

“Do you not love me anymore, Din? Is that what’s happened?”

How could you even say that, so much as think it?

Din snapped. “It’s late. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

You yanked yourself from his hold on you. It was not a tender hold he had on you, but one of necessity. The bunk was so cramped, he needed to hold you close. “No. We’re talking about this now.” Your voice was firm. Resolute.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said.

You scoffed, seeing right through him. “Right, there’s nothing to talk about, Mando.”

Din didn’t miss the way you had called him Mando instead of his actual name.

It made it easier for you. Calling him Din was too personal right now. If he was going to be impersonal, so were you.

You tried again after a moment of silence. “I just - I want to know what’s wrong, so I can help you. Whatever it is you’re dealing with, you don’t have to deal with it alone.”

Din was grateful for the dark so that you could not see the expression on his face as he spoke. “You can’t help me. No one can help me. I-I need you to leave.”

* * *

Din found you in the cockpit, your cheeks and eyes puffy and swollen with tears that were still streaming down your face. A sob racked through you.

He really didn’t love you anymore.

“Cyare,” he said, his voice filled with remorse and guilt.

You turned in the seat to look at him. “Don’t call me that, Mando. Not after what you just said.”

You had a point, Din conceded. He hated seeing you like this, because of him. But he hated the thought of how you would look at him when you found out his secret.

A cult. How had he not seen it before? Was he too indoctrinated? The covert had saved him as a child. He couldn’t have you around that lifestyle. You were to good to be involved in that.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was apologizing for.

You gulped a shuddering breath, trying to even your voice. “Why do you want me to leave? I thought we were happy! I thought - I thought that we were in l-love!” you sobbed, a fresh swell of tears brimming at the surface.

We were. We are, Din thought.

“We were happy mesh’la. We are in love,” he said, reaching his hand out to take yours.

You were confused. “Th-then why are-are you s-s-sending me away?” you sobbed, covering your face with your free hand. “I love you, Din. D-don’t make me go. Whatever it is, I can help you through this.”

A choked sound reached your ears. You realized that you were not the only one who was crying.

Din exhaled a shuddering breath as he tried and failed to keep himself from crying himself. “I love you, cyare,” he said, his voice thick. “Never doubt that for one fraction of a second that I don’t love you with every fibre of my being.” Relief poured through you at his reassurance.

He moved closer to you on his seat. “But when I tell you what I found out on Trask, you may not love me. And that frightens me more than anything.”

You hugged him then, refusing to let up as your tears dried. He loved you. You loved him. The only thing else that mattered was holding your husband in your arms, his occasional shuddering breaths the only sounds besides the low hum of the ship.

Trying to lighten the mood, you said, “We really need to get to Corellia one of these days so they can fix this ship properly.” Din let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a laugh.

Pulling back slightly so that you could see his face, you stroked Din’s cheek, wiping away an errant tear. His dear face was filled with grief and insecurity. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have told you to leave.”

You kissed him for the first real time in over a week. It was lingering but soft. “Din, I’m not going to pretend to understand whatever it is has you so upset, but just know that you can tell me whatever it is has you so down. In your own time.”

Din nodded appreciatively. “You may not like it, cyare. But you deserve to know the truth.”

You stroked Din’s arm. “Whatever it is, you are my husband and I love you.”

“Thank the Maker for you, my love,” Din said shakily.

* * *

You and Din slept. Long and deep. Though Din had wanted to tell you what was weighing on him, you had insisted that you and he sleep it off and return to it the following day when you had both rested.

The sensation of Din’s fingers stroking your cheek roused you. As per usual in this small bunk, your limbs were tangled together.

Your eyes flitted open, taking in your husband. He had turned on a small light. The child was still sleeping. “Good morning,” you said sleepily, your eyes crusted with sleep and tears from the night before.

Din kissed you once. How you had missed the feeling of his lips against yours. “All right, cyar’ika. Let’s talk.”

You held his hand as he spoke. It was a long story, involving his childhood, the covert he had been raised in, and the Mandalorians he had seen on Trask. Most of it you had already known, having been told by Din shortly after meeting him.

“That woman - Bo-Katan - she told me that my covert … that the Death Watch…” Din paused.

You squeezed his hand. “It’s okay, Din. Take your time.”

He inhaled. “She told me that my sector was a religious sector - a cult, basically.”

Your eyes widened, but you said nothing, digesting what he had to say. If it was a lot for you to take in, you couldn’t even imagine how Din had reacted when he first found out. 

“So, my entire life has been a lie. I thought I was upholding the creed of the Mandalore, but really I’ve just been perpetuating zealous bullshit that goes against the true ways of the Mandalore.” Din exhaled, shame deeply embedded in both his face and his voice.

“Din, I - I don’t know what to say,” you said, your hand still in his.

You hadn’t reacted the way that Din expected you to, the way that he had reacted to it. You hadn’t recoiled away from him, wanting to run as far away from him as possible. Your face wasn’t one of horror or repulsion, but rather concern. Concern for the man that you loved.

“My whole life,” said Din, inhaling sharply. “Has been one kriffing lie. The worst part of it is, I recently learned that the Death Watch ordered the attack on my village as a child. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach. “This is why - why you wanted me to leave. Why you were distant this past while, isn’t it?”

Din simply nodded. “I didn’t want you to be involved with the zealous danger that is involved in the Death Watch. I’m so sorry, my love,” he said quietly.

You cupped his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you. “Din Djarin. You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you hear me? You can’t be sorry for something you didn’t know. That doesn’t change how kind you are. How loving and caring you are. That doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You have done the best you can with the worst situation anyone could have been given. I know exactly who you are.”

Din met your gaze. “Who am I?” he asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

You smiled softly at him. “You’re Din Djarin. My husband. That sweet child’s father. You help people and you care for them. You have more compassion than everyone else I’ve met combined. That doesn’t make you a bad person, love of my life.”

A few tears slipped down Din’s cheeks as you spoke. You hugged him close. “I love you, Din Djarin. And, if you like, I will help you. Just as you’ve helped me. It doesn’t matter to me where you come from. What matters to me is that you are a good person. My person.” You stroked his sleep-tousled hair as he pressed a sloppy kiss to your neck. “Whatever you decide to do, I’m here.”

Din felt much more at ease than he had been for the past week as you held each other close. After setting the still-sleeping child in his (soundproof) pram gently, Din finally fulfilled that promise that he had made in Mos Pelgo of making good use of the bunk, slow and tender, showing you how much he loved and appreciated you with his body, he felt the uncertainty of who he truly was fully ebb away. You were right, of course.

Though he still had a lot to figure out, to work through, learn and unlearn, he knew that he wouldn’t have to figure it out alone. That you would help him through whatever it was he decided to do.

#the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian season 2 #the mandalorian season 2 spoilers #pedro pascal character fanfiction

[panharmonium]

you know what?

no.  absolutely not.

i already did part 1 of this post here.  i’m back again with part 2, because unfortunately the awfulness factor doesn’t stop with arthur, and as much as i adore hunith generally, this entire sequence is a MESS.

and yes, i am aware that pretty much nobody else thinks so.  every time i see this scene referenced in fandom, it is always framed as a fun, cutesy, sing-songy moment of “oooo, hunith ships merthur!”  literally every time.  

which, you know, like i always say about everything fandom-related - that’s fine.  everybody is going to enjoy things differently; you do you, and keep on having fun!  but here on my own blog, in my own space, i am gonna do me, and in this case ‘me’ involves yelling about how much i can’t stand that particular read, and how angry the end of 1.10 makes me.

disclaimer, to help folks curate their own fandom experiences: i am going to be Very Cranky for the rest of this post.  if you love this particular scene in the way i just mentioned, you will probably want to scroll on by, because this piece of meta most likely won’t be your jam.  as always, these are my personal thoughts and nobody is obligated to share them, so please do not hesitate to simply skip this post if we are on different wavelengths - instead, keep enjoying fandom in whatever way is most fun for you!

fair warning now given, off i go on a long, frustrated tirade.

i already wrote about the first half of this scene, where arthur decides that the appropriate thing to do at this particular moment is to give merlin a scolding about the evils of sorcery, despite the fact that the only reason arthur is even alive to deliver this lecture in the first place is because merlin’s ‘sorcerer’ best friend just DIED saving arthur’s life.  but sure, you know what, let’s use said best friend’s funeral to chastise merlin about how “dangerous” sorcerers are.  let’s just make that completely dickheaded decision.  

and, moving on to the second half of this scene - here’s the thing.  hunith overhears this entire conversation.  she overhears arthur telling merlin off about sorcery, in front of the burning corpse of merlin’s best friend, who is, as far as arthur knows, the ‘sorcerer’ who died saving arthur’s life.  

and yet, for some inexplicable reason, hunith still cannot get off the arthur pendragon train for two damn seconds.  

she has known arthur for less than a week.  by contrast, she has known will for his entire life.  but the instant arthur walks away, hunith sidles up next to merlin and says, “you’d better be going” - like.  okay, my god, can you try to hustle him away from his best friend’s in-progress funeral any faster?????  how about we maybe give him a second?  the pyre hasn’t even burnt down yet, and merlin hasn’t had a single second to himself since this sequence started.  he’s had to stand there and listen to arthur insult the dude who everyone is supposed to be memorializing, and then hunith - who overheard the entire thing - zips right over and tries to chivvy merlin on his way.  you’d better be going.

HELLO?!  the pyre is still roaring.  how about, instead of hassling merlin and hustling him offstage, everybody just sits down and waits for a minute.  how about they all just leave merlin alone for three everloving seconds.  

honestly, just - every time i think about this scene i get angrier.

i love hunith, and i know she’s well-intentioned.  but everything she gives merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs.  he doesn’t need to be hurried off the village green like there’s some reason he can’t stay there for the entirety of his friend’s funeral.  he doesn’t need to be pushed into going back to camelot when he is clearly struggling with the idea of leaving ealdor again.  and he absolutely does not need to be told how much someone else “needs” him right now, when he himself is the one who is having a fucking crisis and who needs someone to take care of him.

i cannot emphasize that last point enough.  it is just - beyond upsetting to me that hunith literally watches arthur shitting on merlin’s dead best friend (and, by proxy, merlin himself, since merlin is the actual sorcerer) and she still somehow thinks the right thing to do is walk over and start telling merlin how great arthur is and how arthur “needs” him and how merlin “belongs at arthur’s side.”  

i can’t stand that.  it makes me so angry.  it’s not right.  it’s not fair.  it’s damaging.  it’s the same shitty messaging that destroys merlin’s life in later seasons, this idea that he exists for someone else’s sake, the complete disregard for what he himself might want at any given moment, for what he himself might need, for the reservations he might have about this plan that other people have formulated for his life.

he is UNCOMFORTABLE when she says these things to him!  he doesn’t look at her; he shifts his gaze to arthur and the camelot squad with this grim, unconvinced expression on his face, and then he averts his eyes from her.

everything hunith tells merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs to hear.  he does not need someone to tell him how badly his services are “needed” by a man who hates the person merlin truly is, not when the only friend who ever accepted merlin’s true self has just been killed.  he does not need to be told that arthur, who is alive solely because will is dead and who only seconds ago expressed exactly zero gratitude for that sacrifice, is the person to whom merlin owes his undying loyalty.  he does not need to be shuffled off to camelot as quickly as possible, as if it would be better for him to just rush forward and forget what happened here, as if what happened here didn’t matter.  

because what happened here did matter, whether hunith and arthur find it convenient to acknowledge or not.  i have to lay this out again, because what happened to merlin in ealdor is so much more important than anybody ever seems to realize - and i do understand that, i really do (because yes, it was just one episode for us) - but we have to look at it from merlin’s perspective, not the audience’s.

will wasn’t ‘one episode’ for merlin.  

i can’t say this enough times.  i cannot say this loudly enough.

merlin, at the beginning of this show, has only ever had ONE FRIEND.

most of us can’t even imagine something like that.  

but try.  TRY.  

merlin has only ever had one friend.  he’s only ever had one friend to love him.  he only had one friend for the first two decades of his life.  he’s only been in camelot for a couple of months; he’s only known these camelot people for a couple of months, and they don’t know his real self anyhow.  and now his ONLY FRIEND, the person he’s known all his life, the only friend he ever had who knew him for who he truly was, was just violently cut down before his very eyes, whilst saving a guy who can legally have merlin murdered for just existing.  and even though merlin and will spend the entirety of 1.10 having a painful, complicated argument, will still uses his last moments on earth to tell the biggest fucking whopper of his life, in order to shield merlin from harm, taking all of the danger and infamy and condemnation upon himself.  he dies with a lie on his lips.  he dies with merlin’s hand in his hair.  

and all the while, merlin knows that this would not have happened if he had just been willing to use his magic in the first place, instead of letting his fear of discovery prompt him into allowing his neighbors to offer themselves up for the slaughter in his place.

the avalanching double-whammy of grief and guilt that merlin is suddenly slammed with at the end of this episode is almost incomprehensible in scale.

i’ve talked about this before, but again, i think it’s something we don’t generally remember: losing will is the first time merlin has ever experienced personal bereavement.  and he doesn’t get to start out with a warm-up; he goes straight to the big leagues.  this is not some trifling thing.  this is a total implosion of merlin’s world as he knows it.  

when we think about the mark this episode leaves on merlin’s life, i don’t think most of us consider the magnitude of this event deeply enough.  losing will in this way is not some one-off thing that merlin just...gets over.  this is the most earth-shattering thing that has ever happened to him, at this point in time.  it is still one of the worst things that has ever happened to him, period, even years later.  the guilt never goes away.  

and the thing that’s unique about this particular trauma is that merlin has to manage it alone.  there are other tragedies in his life where we witness him receiving support/comfort from others - freya, lancelot, balinor (though of course there are aspects to these miseries that merlin has to keep secret from other people, as well) - but with will, merlin has to do everything on his own.  he can’t get one single moment of peace at will’s funeral.  his own mother, the only person who knows what really happened, can’t help him without making everything about arthur.  and merlin can’t tell anyone else what happened, not the truth of it, because doing so would squander the gift he’s been given - will’s lie is still protecting him, years later, from arthur and morgana both.  

merlin, at the end of 1.10, is forced to navigate this grief completely alone, in the silent secrecy of his own heart.  arthur is actively making it worse.  hunith is out here singing arthur’s praises.  and will is just like - he’s suddenly not part of the conversation anymore.  he doesn’t even register on anyone’s radar.

it truly is...incredible, for me, to watch hunith overhear arthur being legitimately terrible to both merlin and the guy who just died saving merlin AND arthur’s lives, and then to see her come over and start talking about how merlin belongs at arthur’s side, how much merlin needs to be there for him, how they’re two sides of the same coin.  meanwhile, the guy who literally just lied his life away to protect merlin’s secret and who NEVER made merlin feel like he had to hide who he was and who never had any problem with magic in the first place and never made merlin feel unsafe and never treated merlin like he was less of a human being just for existing -

- he’s just burning to ash there, and hunith doesn’t even acknowledge that, despite the fact that merlin is so visibly, intently, single-mindedly focused on that funeral pyre, and so clearly in distress and in pain and NEEDING somebody.  all she can talk about is merlin’s responsibility to arthur.  

the dissonance here is baffling.  hunith has known will forever.  she met arthur less than a week ago.  she barely knows him, and what she does know is that he thinks magic-users are dangerous/evil.  she saw him being a dick to her kid.  she knows her son is having the worst day of his life.  and she still doesn’t offer a single comforting word in reference to the person who just died protecting merlin’s secret, instead choosing to wax poetic about a man whose bigotry is what merlin needed protecting from in the first place.

that...is a hot mess.  the merlin-hunith-will dynamic is one of the few things in this show that reflects less-than-stellarly on hunith’s character, however much i love her.  and even though it all stems from an overwhelming desire to keep her son safe, it doesn’t make her choices any less damaging.  she sends merlin away specifically because she finds out that will knows about his secret.  she spends 1.10 analyzing and encouraging and dissecting merlin’s relationship with arthur, when merlin’s relationship with will is the one that desperately needs attention.  she’s proven wrong about will’s trustworthiness in the most stunning, powerful way possible, and then she never even acknowledges him, instead choosing to laud the dude who literally forces merlin to live in fear of execution.

she’s merlin’s mother.  she’s the only person in his life who knows anything about what will actually meant to him.  she is his only possible resource as he tries to weather a kind of devastation that defies description.  

and she, like arthur, just barrels right on ahead and makes everything about someone else.

the cinematography choices in this scene matter.  whenever arthur or hunith tries to talk to merlin, the camera is placed on the opposite side of the fire from them, meaning the flames are always in the foreground of the frame.  they are something we are required to see and look past before we can get to anything else in the scene.  and in terms of directorial/acting decisions - merlin doesn’t take his eyes off the pyre until the end of his conversation with hunith.  not once while talking to arthur does he look away from it.

the funeral pyre is always in the foreground of the shot, because it’s in the forefront of merlin’s mind.  that is where his focus is right now.  that is what is taking up all of his attention.  that is what is edging into the frame, eating up our entire field of view.  that is what he needs help with.

but he doesn’t get any such support.  the entire sequence ends up revolving around arthur.  will’s entire funeral is about arthur fucking pendragon.  arthur inserts himself so he can talk to merlin about how evil magic is, and then hunith inserts herself so she can talk to merlin about how great arthur is.  nobody ever stops to think that maybe merlin doesn’t want to talk to anybody right this second.  merlin’s entire ‘farewell’ to the only true friend he ever had in his life is completely swallowed up by the prince of camelot, and if that isn’t a metaphor for the rest of merlin’s life, then i don’t know what is.  

i know nobody needs to hear this, because very few people are invested in this kid at the same level of embarrassing detail as me, but here it is, anyway.  

yes, will is prickly.  he’s hard to get on with.  he’s angry.  he’s bitter and snappy and uncharitable, sometimes.

but you know what?  he has every reason to be like that.  

this kid has nobody.  his own best friend’s mother - who has known him all his life - doesn’t trust him and doesn’t respect him.  she is too afraid for her own son’s safety to give will any credit.  she sends merlin away to camelot, the most violently anti-magic place in the world, because apparently, will knowing about merlin’s secret would be even more dangerous than uther pendragon’s genocidal reign.

think about how that would feel.  to hear something like that about yourself.  to be somebody who is already so goddamn alone in the world, and to have your only friend vanish without so much as a ‘see you later,’ and then to be made to feel, however indirectly, like this is somehow your fault, like you’re the liability, like you’re the untrustworthy element here.  as if you, somehow, are more dangerous than a king who literally pays to have sorcerers trafficked to him in cages.

will has every right to be upset, all the time.  he has every reason to be angry, and bitter, and hurt, all the time.  to be thought so poorly of - to be held in such low esteem - when he hasn’t done anything wrong, when he hasn’t ever done anything to earn that kind of mistrust - and to have that same misplaced suspicion used to justify separating him from the only person in the world who gives a damn about him - if it were me, i would be constantly on the verge of screaming, all the time.

will has always been on merlin’s side, and he has never done anything to endanger him, and in the end he gives up everything to make sure merlin can stay safe and hidden and unhunted.  he shouldn’t have needed to prove his goodness, his constancy, his worth; not when he’s already kept merlin’s secret for who knows how many years, but even after he does do so, it doesn’t even matter.  arthur acknowledges him only to disparage sorcery.  hunith passes him over completely in favor of praising arthur, with no acknowledgment of the misjudgment she made.

i have said before that merlin tends to befriend people who have nobody, people who’ve been left behind by the rest of the world, people who’ve been made to feel that they aren’t worthy of love.  and will, merlin’s oldest friend, was the first of those many characters, and it is so heartbreaking to me that in this instance, the same kind of disinterested and careless attitude towards his worth that dogged him all his life is perpetuated and affirmed after his death.  ‘people are used to ignoring him,’ merlin tells arthur, and merlin is right - even when will is dead and burning, arthur only sees sorcery.  hunith, who we would expect to be more sympathetic, only sees arthur.

merlin is the only one who knows better.  merlin has always known better, and he loves will so much, but he is the only one, apparently, and honestly, after will dies?  nobody else even tries to understand.

to sum up:

hunith and arthur, for all that i love them, are both way out of line at the end of this episode.  

the legacy of this experience, for merlin, is that he spends the rest of his life processing this particular trauma alone.  and that is why i always, always have to keep will and ealdor in the back of my mind when i write for merlin in any capacity - because this event isn’t some simple stumbling block for him; it changes him forever.  it teaches him what he can and can’t expect from the people around him, and it solidifies how irrelevant his own needs are when viewed in comparison with arthur’s, even to people who barely even KNOW arthur; people who are supposed to put merlin first over everything.  it teaches merlin to bury his sorrow, and to wrestle with personal suffering in secret, because if things aren’t ultimately about arthur, then they aren’t important enough to be granted any significant amount of time for merlin to deal with.  merlin’s own grief, even at his best friend’s funeral, takes too long to resolve.  arthur walks away from the pyre, and it’s time for merlin to leave, too.  you’d better be going.

bottom line: i don’t care if other people think this whole ‘ooo, everybody wants merlin to be with arthur’ thing is wonderful or beautiful or dreamily romantic.  it isn’t.  it’s ugly, and it’s cruel, and it stripped merlin of his present identity and his future potential, one stolen moment at a time.

#and that's what i have to say about that #so. #in case you all weren't already aware #will is a goddamn hero #and merlin misses him every day #the once and future slowburn #meta #no kings no masters

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

(sees another fandom that I can ask you about and cheers) Orphan Black! Thoughts? I don't know Dr Who but Tatiana is one of my favorite actors period.

Anon you are so sweet! I'm always happy to chat about fandoms and characters and whatnot, and I will never not appreciate the majesty of Tatiana's acting. That is one of the greatest parts of the show hands down.

Orphan Black, to me, is a show that had incredible potential, but didn't really live up to the excitement it created. (Loooong post ahead.)

The thing is, Orphan Black builds a chilling mystery and background, the world it gradually creates as it goes for about the first two seasons, got be very invested and made me wonder a lot about where it was going to go and what the answers were. The setup is brilliant, right from the start with that iconic cold open of Beth's suicide. The unknown is what really helped this show get as thrilling as it was, because the actual answers behind the unknown were kind of hit and miss, and it seemed like far too often, the show just wasn't interested in telling it's story. Hijinks where the clones impersonate each other in slice of life events? That's fun at first and it really works well as they're still getting to know each other. But after a while, it gets tedious, and it seems like the show would rather fuck around and have dance parties (seriously, that scene was such a #BigLippedAlligatorMoment) than focus on the story and the threat that the sisters are facing. Virtually all of Allison's plotlines are like this, they feel like they belong in a different show, and for some reason the writers insisted on giving her one of these storylines like, every season. After Allison passively murders her own friend out of suspecting that she's spying on her, I just don't feel like an arc about her running for some PTA office position even matters. It doesn't feel right.

Speaking of that, here's another example: Donnie. Why did the end of the first season suggest that he was this secret mastermind working for Leekie? The whole idea just deflates in Season 2 and doesn't really go anywhere. He just goes back to being the bumbling sweetheart he was before. Why even have him be the spy? Maybe it should have been Ainsley. Do you want to know the exact moment that I think Orphan Black went wrong? Like, the specific scene? When Leekie was killed off. The character who had thus far been the Big Bad, gets taken out in the stupidest possible way, a literal accident on Donnie's part, and it's even played for laughs. After that point, the show really struggled to regain it's footing, though I don't think it completely went off the rails until about Season 4, and it was still generally hit or miss. Like, some stuff was really good. The introduction of the Castor clones, the development of Rachel's character (I'll get to her, trust me.) and the reveal of Kendall Malone. But it seemed like so much else was just forgotten or otherwise not resolved. Whatever happened to Cal? Sure, the show wanted to focus on the sisters...but Kira deserves to know her father if she wants to. That's just one example. It's a crying shame because this show is sometimes incredible. The metaphor that I always use for situations like this, is a card game. The show has all the right cards in its hand, they're just not being played.

The two strongest characters, at least to me, were Rachel and Helena. One of these characters was superbly written and went through a devastating arc. The other was Helena. We need to talk about her. In Season 1, she really cemented herself as a memorable presence with her trademark accent, her scars, her whole damn personality (again, hats off to Tatiana) and of course, that iconic screechy theme music that accompanied her. Which at first made us jump, but eventually made us cheer. I adored Helena, and I loved the development of her relationship with Sarah. Who went from shooting her in Season 1, to being deadset on rescuring her in Season 3, being furious with Siobhan for betraying her. (This is unrelated but Siobhan has the same " twist villain fakeout" at the end of Season 1 that Donnie does, and it's quite frustrating.) And yet, I swear, the writers just didn't know what to do with Helena half the time. They put her on a bus for long stretches, including one point where she just up and leaves Allison's house in Season 4, for no given reason. And the characters just kind of...don't care. The same thing happens when she gets arrested. No one cares to try and find Helena, even though she's unstable and often a danger to those around her. Even though she's by herself with no real ability to function in society. Even though she's pregnant. There is no excuse for this, and no Sarah, that "I'm sorry, I avoided you" scene in Season 5 is not going to cut it. It's such an afterthought.

I'm being rather critical, but I hope you can tell that this is from a point of passion. I genuinely enjoyed this show and getting to watch it. Just that sometimes it didn't feel like the show cared that I was watching. However, this was not true whenever Rachel was onscreen. Look, I'm a Merula Snyde stan, so you can probably already guess how I feel about Rachel. Despite her crimes, despite her constant slipping back the dark side, I felt so bad for Rachel at the end of it all. That scene with Kira really sums it up. "Who hurt you?" "All of them." And no scene is more intense than when she stabs out the eye cam. Like, I'm sorry, I pitied Rachel pretty much from Season 2 on. Her parents were horrible to her, and I'm supposed to think Ethan is the good guy here? He kills himself in front of his own daughter, telling her that she doesn't deserve him. And then Sarah shoots a pencil through her eye, causing brain damage and requiring a long recovery. I'm not saying that Sarah was wrong to do what she did, just that if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel a degree of guilt for Rachel's condition. In the end, I'm devastated that she was barred from Clone Club, when she made the right decision at the point it mattered. But there's just too much history there, and Sarah won't ever forgive her. (Though again, I do feel as though there's blame to share.) Rachel is my favorite character and I never expected her to be. But she's just so complex. Side note: "Enjoy your oophorectomy" is so damn quotable. I don't know why but I love that line.

So, Rachel's my favorite. Who's my least favorite? It might surprise you. It's Delphine. I'm sorry, but I just...I couldn't get on board with C*phine. Not after Season 3. I was waiting for the point that the show would push to finally redeem Delphine for her turncoat role, for all of the hell that she put Cosima through. By Season 5 though? I realized that as far as the writers were concerned? She already was redeemed. Even though she did nothing to earn it, except be presumed dead by Cosima. The way she treats Cosima in Season 3 is actually disgusting. Her reasoning for breaking up with Cosima is circular. She has to love "all the clones" in order to be with Cosima, and the way to do that is to take over Rachel's job, which means they can't date anymore? I'm not the only one who thought that didn't make sense, right? Oh and let's talk about how she stalks Cosima's date, breaks into her house, and threatens her life. Red. Flags. Cosima even says the line, "If you're not going to be with me, just let me go." I'm sorry, that should not be something she has to beg for. Delphine's behavior made me want her to stay far, far away from Cosima. Who is, incidentally, a sweetie and I absolutely adore her. I legit have trouble remembering that Tatiana's playing her because she just looks and acts so different. That said, even though I immensely disliked Delphine, I am so very glad that they made one of the clones gay. Just like I'm glad that they made one of them trans. (Though...Tony wasn't handled especially well.)

In general, I do think the earlier seasons were stronger. The Brightborn arc, while interesting, didn't really contribute much to the overarching narrative. We got the backstory on Beth's suicide and finally learned the truth about her, I suppose. Still, even though Beth is one of my favorite of the clones, and I never expected her to be either...I feel like the actual reason given for why she took her own life was rather illogical. She apparently did it because the investigation was putting the clones in danger of another Helsinki. Okay, but just because Evie Cho says you should off yourself, doesn't mean you have to. You could just, like...stop investigating. And if you die under mysterious circumstances without explaining anything to the sisters, they're not going to be put off from the investigation. They're going to look into this even more, because they don't know why they're not supposed to. The reveal that she and Art fell in love toward the end adds an extra gut punch, but it also doesn't make sense because wouldn't Art have referenced it during the period that he thought Sarah was Beth? On the other hand, Season 4 also introduced MK. And I have such a soft spot for her. I adore that sheep-masked sweetie. Everyone always asks "Which clone would you date" (because fandoms can think of nothing else I guess) and I never see anyone give any love to MK. Her death absolutely tore me apart. I am glad Siobhan avenged her even if she went down at the same time. Side note, her last word being the affectionate "Chickens..." Broke me.

Season 5 was a strange beast. In general, it seemed like we were finally getting some answers to the questions that were hanging over us. Exploring the deep mythos. But then they kind of turned it around and made it just be a Wizard of Oz style fraud twist. Westmoreland isn't really inhumanly old, he's a charlatan. I don't know why that was necessary in a science fictional show. I've seen the interviews and I get what they were going for, it just feels like it would have been cooler and far creepier if he was actually that old. The puppet master pulling the strings the whole time. We also finally get some answers for Kira's superhuman healing abilities (though we never learn how she's telepathically connected to the clones) and I'm loving it, but the trouble is, it's inconsistent. Ethan "Why is this guy so popular, he's an asshole" Duncan told Rachel specifically that Sarah being able to have children was a fluke, that the clones were "barren by design." I don't know, the whole concept of Revival and of the "magical island" was really foreboding and tied in with the earlier references to The Island of Doctor Moreau. Especially that song about "Revival's Children" just...the shudders, man. But just having it be a regular old scam is...a letdown. I know it may be more realistic, but I don't always need realism in my scifi. The finale is interesting, in that it's mostly an epilogue. I'm glad the clones (sans Rachel) got to live happily ever after, but there are two gut punches right at the end that are total nitpicks but they bother me. Helena naming her kids after Art and Donnie? And writing a memoir that she names "Orphan Black?" Those two tropes can go die in a hole. They can enjoy an oophorectomy, because I'm so sick of them.

The potential of Orphan Black was practically infinite. The results of Orphan Black fell frustratingly short.

#Orphan Black #Alison Hendrix #Rachel Duncan #Helena Orphan Black #Sarah Manning #Cosima Niehaus #Long Post #Beth Childs #Ramblings #Veera Suominen #Donnie Hendrix #Aldous Leekie #Ethan Duncan #Delphine Cormier #Siobhan Sadler #Clone Club #Arthur Bell #Tatiana Maslany

[aion-rsa]

Star Trek Doctors, Ranked By Crankiness

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This Star Trek: Lower Decks article contains spoilers for Season 2, Episode 3.

In the very first filmed episode of Star Trek: The Original Series — “The Cage” — Captain Pike drinks itty-bitty martinis with the Enterprise’s chief physician, Dr. Boyce (John Hoyt.) And although it remains to be seen if we’ll be seeing Boyce in Stranger New Worlds, the tradition of the cranky — but wise — Starfleet doctor was started right there. After Boyce and Piper, Star Trek set the standard for cranky, wise-cracking doctors in space with the introduction of Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy; as played by the wonderful DeForest Kelley. 

While Kelley passed away in 1999, the spirit of Bones lives on. Not just in the Karl Urban version of Bones in the reboot films, but also in the foul-mouthed, utterly hilarious Catian medical officer, Dr. T’ana (Gillian Vigman) on Star Trek: Lower Decks. In the most recent episode of Lower Decks, “Mugato, Gumato,” T’ana demonstrated some next-level crankiness, as she avoided her own physical examination, something Bones had to prod Kirk to do all the time, including his first-ever filmed episode, “The Corbomite Maneuver.” But is Bones actually still the crankiest Star Trek doctor? Has T’ana dethroned him? 

The only way to find out is to rank all the Trek doctors from least cranky to most cranky, and find out who is the hardest to please, and as a result, possibly the doctor we paradoxically love the most.

(Note: With some exceptions, we’ve excluded characters who were Starfleet doctors who weren’t regular recurring characters. This is why Dr. Selar from TNG isn’t on this list, even though as a Vulcan, she’s inherently cranky.)

10. Dr. Tracy Pollard (Discovery)

The least cranky doctor on this list is easily Dr. Pollard on Star Trek: Discovery. This woman even puts up with Georgiou, a dictator from an alternate universe who wants to die. As played by the fantastic Raven Daudu, it’s very possible Dr. Pollard is the best doctor on this list. She also may never be recognized as such, because she’s really even-tempered, kind and way too busy saving people’s lives to complain.  

9. Dr. Phlox (Enterprise)

Phlox isn’t just one of the nicest Star Trek doctors ever, he’s actively one of the most likable characters in the entire franchise. Played charmingly by John Billingsley in all four seasons of Enterprise, Phlox projected a childlike curiosity of the universe combined with a ton of knowledge and wisdom of having seen more of the quadrant than most of the other characters. Phlox is also, perhaps, the most tolerant Star Trek doctor, insofar as he never pushes his cultural views onto others, even though, in some episodes, like “Dear, Doctor,” he’s torn apart by his own set of ethics. Oh, and he saved the life of Porthos, Captain Archer’s dog in “A Night in Skybay,” AND while doing so, managed to make a joke that Porthos would develop lizard-chameleon powers in the process. That’s bedside manner!

8. Dr. Hugh Culber (Discovery) 

Who doesn’t love this guy? Since Season 1 of Discovery, Culber has put up with shit from everyone, and very rarely has he snapped. Yes, in Season 2, after coming back from the dead, he was pretty pissed off at everyone. But, as he said in Season 3, “My murderer and I are good now!” In episodes like “Su’kal” and “Die Trying,” Culber is one of the kindest and simultaneously most practical Star Trek doctors of all time. He doesn’t lie to anyone, but he does know how to make you feel better. Out of all the Discovery regulars, Culber feels cut from the same cloth as someone like Deanna Troi or Guinan. He’s smart, insightful and empathic. 

7. Dr. Beverly Crusher (The Next Generation)

Crusher certainly has the ability to sass her patients, but she’s basically a nice person. Whenever Crusher freaks out on anyone it’s always because she’s either in love with a ghost that lives in a candle (“Sub Rosa”), her feelings are being manipulated by a nearby Vulcan (“Sarek”) or Jean-Luc is messing around with her emotions. (All of The Next Generation.) Crusher suffers the fools she works with, but she does it with grace and dignity. That said, you kind of know she hates certain people in certain moments, which can probably just be attributed to Gates McFadden’s flawless talent.

6. Emil, Rios’ EMH (Star Trek: Picard)

Rios has a lot of cranky holograms in Season 1 of Picard, but his medical hologram is not even close to being the most difficult of all of them. In fact, he’s pretty cordigal, and reasonable, which is odd considering the situation he’s in. Clearly, among the holograms on the La Sirena, Emil is one of the most well-adjusted. You wouldn’t want him as your primary physician in real life, and because he’s basically connected to the personality of Rios the possibility that he might become super cranky is certainly there. But, so far, he’s right on the line.

5. Dr. Julian Bashir (Deep Space Nine)

Okay, we’re crossing over into slightly cranky territory here. Bashir began his journey on DS9 as a cocky jerk, which isn’t the same as the kind of crankiness we’re talking about here. The Bones-style of crankiness is the kind of crank we can get down with. Bashir’s off-putting personality was  — at first — not something anyone admired or liked. That said, as Alexander Siddig evolved the character, Bashir didn’t become more cranky, but he did develop righteous indignation. When Bashir got his indignant buzz on in episodes like “Past Tense,” or “Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges,” he was really at his best. To be clear, Bashir isn’t a nice doctor, and this is where we cross the threshold. 

4. Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy (Star Trek: The Original Series)

Although he set the standard for crankiness, in the entire canon of Trek, Bones is somehow not the most cranky Star Trek doctor. The reasons for this are threefold: First, there are three characters on this list who are much crankiner than him. Second, Bones is actually a sweetheart deep down, and demonstrates his love for Spock over and over again, despite his terrible, terrible comments. Finally, Bones can’t be the crankiest doctor on this list because Dax heavily implied in “Trials and Tribble-ations,” that one of her previous hosts — Emony Dax — totally hooked-up with him. For some reason, this detail makes it seem like he’s a lot nicer than he comes across. And again, The Search for Spock exists.

3. Dr. Katherine Pulaski (The Next Generation)

In 1988, Pulaski would have easily been number one on this list. She mispronounces Data’s name, doesn’t feel bad about it, and proceeds to kind of make everyone else on the ship feel awful. Pulaski is a pretty good doctor, and not remotely a bad person, but she’s pretty damn cranky. The brilliant Diane Muldar plays Pulaski like someone who has been transferred to a job she doesn’t really want, which is sort of amazing considering at this point, Roddenberry didn’t want Starfleet characters to have interpersonal conflict.

In “The Icarus Factor ” (which the latest Lower Decks also referenced) Pulaski also thinks Riker’s deadbeat dad is hot and tells Riker this point blank when he’s reminding her that his dad is the worst. This alone gives her deeply strange tastes, and makes her super cranky and weird AF. Don’t mess with Pulaksi! If you talk about how your friend is mean, she might throw it in your face and say she likes them better than you anyway! 

2. Dr. T’ana (Lower Decks)

Okay. So Dr. T’ana is almost the most cranky Star Trek doctor ever. Combining the best qualities of Bones, with that weird go-shove-it-vibe from Pulaksi, Gillian Vigman turns it all up to 11. It helps that T’ana is a cat-person (I.E. the Catian species) but her crankiness is more than that. She’s kind of sadistic, and isn’t afraid to use boulders to knock “strange energies” out of people when the time comes. T’ana is sort of burnt-out, but also, is kind of unflappable too. Like, you get the sense that she’s sick of all this space sickness stuff, but she’s got too much proffensionality to say she can’t do something. The secret crankiness of Dr. T’ana is that seemingly she can fix anything that is wrong with anyone. But, she’s going to make fun of them for it, and get pissed off if you look at her the wrong way.

That said, like Bones, you get the sense that none of it is personal. Which is what makes her Starfleet all the way. 

1. The EMH (Voyager)

Robert Picardo’s Emergency Medical Hologram is the best cranky Star Trek doctor. There are many reasons for this. His arrogance. His constant complaining. The fact that he has good reason to complain, considering he’s a hologram that has to do other people’s bidding. But the reason that tops all other reasons is the way that Picardo can make his crankiness clear with the simple inflection of his voice. It’s not what he says. It’s how he says it. And if you need proof, all you have to do is go back to the very first Voyager episode ever, “Caretaker.” When the Doctor has to start triage on the wounded crew, he asks somebody to hand him a tricorder. He looks at it, and realizes it’s not the right kind of tricorder, and hands it back and says “medical tricorder.” The amount of venom in this comment cannot be communicated in print. The way Picardo says medical tricorder is so dismissive and frustrated, that he basically created a new level of crankiness with one single utterance. 

T’ana may be creeping up the EMH from behind, but this cranky crown will be hard to swipe. Especially from a hologram.

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Lower Decks airs new episodes on Thursdays on Paramount+.

The post Star Trek Doctors, Ranked By Crankiness appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[paintedlight]

Supernatural Season 15 & Sufjan Stevens' “The Ascension”

Teaser: there’s a song on this album called "Die Happy” where the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” for 5 minutes and 45 seconds. yeah. yeah.

Disclaimer: yes it’s all a stretch and I’m overthinking it but also… am I? (yes) 

long post time! know that reading ahead may hurt you and yes it does get worse the further down the track list you get 💕 have fun kids

So just to start off, I think it’s funny that something Sufjan’s discography & Supernatural have in common is the 15+ years of the internet arguing if it’s gay or not, and the answer ending up being yes. PLUS there’s the obvious connection of American mythos + mythology + calvinist themes (I am hissing) + religious trauma prevalent in both. 

If you’re a fan of both like I am, it’s easy to connect them— notable connections being songs like “John My Beloved” and “The Owl and the Tanager” or even “John Wayne Gacy Jr.”, but I’m going to focus on Sufjan's 2020 album, “The Ascension” since even the arc itself seems so connected to season 15 of Supernatural, specifically. 

At least in my head it does <3 enjoy 

MAKE ME AN OFFER I CANNOT REFUSE

When interviewed about the meaning of this track, Sufjan explains that this song is about asking God, “what do you have to say for humanity?” That it’s about desperation, creation, and devastation. It’s about frustration with divinity. Also the vibes are 10/10. Need I say more 

RUN AWAY WITH ME

This song is beautiful, it makes me want to sit in some grass and stare at the sky. 

Some lines that make me Dean/Cas crazy are the two lines in verse 1 and verse 2 that mirror each other by being in the same place melodically:

Verse 1: they will terrorize us / with new confusion / with the fear of life that seeks to bring despair within

Verse 2: I will bring you life / a new communion / with a paradise that brings the truth to light within

Yeahhh so the words “Despair” and “The Truth” were mirrored in this song yes it was coincidental yes I’m clinging to it. It fascinates me 

But this song is about begging someone to stay with you.

sweet falling remedy / come run away with me / you’re all I ever need

VIDEO GAME

My first thought when I heard this song was about how it was such a song for enneagram 4s. If you don’t know what that means, I think Dean is a 4 and wrote a post about it here. 

AND @trapperjohnmcintyre also made the connection between these lyrics and Dean in this post, and honestly I don’t need to say much more than that??

The song is about feeling paranoid and angry that God is controlling your every move and you can’t escape it (aka hating the doctrine of predestination). Of course it’s also about not wanting to follow societal scripts. 

You just want to have an easier life instead of the weight of good and evil resting on your back!!!

I don’t want to put the devil on a pedestal / I don’t want put the saints in chains / I just want to make my life a little easier / I don’t want to play your video game

Also these painful lines, as a treat: 

I don’t want to love you if you don’t receive it / I don’t want to save the world that way

Oh, I almost forgot, also. At the end, the narrator gives up. He’s like well I guess I can’t escape. Gotta follow the procedure. Gotta be a puppet.

I don’t want it to go down that way / but in a way you gotta follow the procedure / so go ahead and play your video game

  LAMENTATIONS

I don’t have much to say about this one but this line always makes my heart ache idk:

I was only thinking of human kindness

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Here we gooooooo. Y’all aren’t ready.

Thesis: Tell me you love me despite the primordial darkness about to overtake me. And even if you don’t, I’m going to love you. 

15x18 Despair anyone?? 

I want to just paste the whole song but, here—

DIE HAPPY

Yep, "Die Happy" immediately follows "Tell Me You Love Me." Yes, the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” over and over for almost 6 minutes. 

First of all, the repetition mirrors the end of the song Fourth of July, from Sufjan’s previous album Carrie & Lowell, where Sufjan sings “we’re all gonna die” over and over.

Parallels, baby.

But I noticed something else about this recently though— in Die Happy, if you are listening to it in your headphones, there’s this weird sound that sounds like a wasp flying around your head (it made me uncomfortable which is why I noticed it, haha). After I felt unnerved for a moment, I had a realization— that this could be referencing one of Sufjan’s most beloved songs, “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!!” (yes that’s a real song title lol)

The Predatory Wasp is about how Sufjan fell in love with his best friend at the Bible Camp he went to as a teenager. The wasp is a metaphor for internalized homophobia and also his love and how he fears his love will hurt the boy he’s in love with. 

So, Die Happy references an iconic song from Illinois (2005) with these notable lines:

Tl;dr: 

I want to die happy vs. I can’t explain the state that I’m in / the state of my heart / he was my best friend

Here’s an Despair photoset with Predatory Wasp lyrics via @toneelspeelster. 

ATIVAN

So your best friend has just died happy by being in love with you. You feel like the primordial darkness is on YOU now:

I woke up in stereo—I spent the day in vertigo / I could not get the spirit off my back

You’re once again tossed in the waves of thinking that God is fucking with you. But either way you just want to be tranquilized at this point. 

Is it all for something? Is it all part of a plan / tranquilize me, sanitize me, Ativan

Is it all for nothing? Is it all part of a plan? / make my death wish, mind my business / do the best I can with what I am

Ativan asks, was the true leading woman all this time… substance abuse?? 

Ativan / my leading woman

Long story short, you’re drunk on communion wine, asking the shadows to come back.

fill me with the blood of Jesus / clean my plate 'til he receives us / separate the colors from the black / ... / tell the shadows near us to come back

 URSA MAJOR & LANDSLIDE

Not a lot to say about this (even though I love these songs) so I’m gonna skip mostly, but the narrator has decided he wants to love you, he can’t help it <3 

GILGAMESH

Oh boy. 

I mean you kinda know what’s coming because of the title. The Epic of Gilgamesh is the world’s oldest piece of epic world literature, and Gilgamesh was “the first hero of human history.” 

In the world’s oldest story, The Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh and Enkidu are “very close friends” (their relationship is very homoerotic and this is barely disputed). Gilgamesh calls Enkidu his brother, and they are mutually selfless towards each other but when Enkidu dies, indirectly because of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh has a breakdown and mourns him like that of a spouse and then has to come to terms with his own mortality. 

The meta level of this is so obvious I’m not even going to go into it. Anyways… here are lyrics that make me want to scream! 

the repetition of “my heart”... the concept of singing a eulogy.... saying your heart is chained to Your Angel............ it hurts

DEATH STAR

Star Wars reference my beloved. Like many of these songs this has Fuck You God energy.

what you call the human race / expedite the judgement day / it’s your own damn head on that plate

vandalize what you create / ... / witness me resist your fate / it’s your own damn head on that plate

 GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

This song is a bop honestly 

When the lyrics were released a bunch of Sufjan fans contrasted Goodbye To All That’s here I am alone in my car / hopelessly infatuted / and I’m driving to wherever you are to Sufjan & Moses Sumney’s song, “Make Out in My Car”.

Yeah, I know, we’re all thinking of this:

Make Out in My Car is basically where Moses gave Sufjan a horny car guy chorus and told him to write the verses, and Sufjan proceeded to write the most liturgical shit ever (and we love him for it). ANYWAYS… Goodbye To All That also reminds me of Dean’s depression and the weirdness that started in 15x19 and goes into 15x20. For some reason he makes it seem more upbeat and happy than it is...

Despite this song being a bop, the lyrics are depressing. He’s alone in his car. He’s hopeless. He realizes it’s too late to have died a young man. 

He’s going to try to move on, even though nothing is left of him, he’s begging someone to turn around and show me his shadow.

He also references substance abuse again—

love me / and leave me / intoxicated

  SUGAR

The music video? Iconic. The mom of a family is making a pie, or she’s trying to. She ends up rubbing the filling all over her face, crushing the fruits, the oven catches on fire. 

But she does it! She makes the pie. 

Meanwhile the other family members are in their rooms, overindulging in sugar in all its forms. And then as she and her family eat around a dining table, occassionally being seemingly marrioetted by some unseen force, she looks angrily over her family, they all seem to kind of lose it, then the house starts to come apart until the chandelier falls on the dinner table. 

It’s the making pie + overindulgence in sugar + marionetted family metaphors for me ❤️ 

Ultimately, the song is about begging for affection, being desperate for domesticity, but you feel doomed, you feel like your defeat is predestined, that you can’t escape it.

You just don’t want to be heartbroken & you don’t want to be angry anymore!!!!

  THE ASCENSION

So you may be asking… does this guy get the domesticity he’s longing for?? Does he get his love back?? 

No. He dies. :/

The Ascension begins with just that. He’s dying.

THEN Sufjan decides to rhyme “confess” with “confess”, in two lines that mean almost opposite things:

When I am dead / and the light leaves my breast / nothing to be told / nothing to confess / let the record show / what I couldn’t quite confess

So does this guy have something to confess or not??? 👀

Moving on… 

He goes back to thinking about how his life was predestined all along, and now after all that, he’s dying. So he thinks about all the times he was kind of like this Mythological Icon. That he always had to be the one to show what was right, to lead by example. That that had been his entire identity. 

And he realizes he needs to answer for himself. 

Then he is frightened— realizing he was always asking what everything meant, what it all was for, but that all along he was just angry and depressed.

But even though he feels a like he should have just resigned himself to meaninglessness, that he only thought he could change the world for the better… it strengthened him to know the truth.

And even through the absolute shit of it all, and even though God & others did things from a place of so-called holiness and hopelessness...

He did everything out of love ❤️

So then he dies 🙃

AMERICA

So, as the end of The Ascension asked, what now? 

The album ends on this long track, which Sufjan describes as a protest against all that America has been and has become. 

It’s a protest against capitalism, of destroying humanity for the sake of some cold machinery. 

I have worshipped / I believed / I have broke your bread / for a splendor of machinery

And in true Sufjan fashion, he makes this song about protesting somehow both horny and religious, god bless

I have loved you / like a dream / I have kissed your lips / like a Judas in heat

I have worshipped / I have cried / I have put my hands in the wounds on your side / I have tasted of your blood / I have choked on the waters / I abated the flood / I am broken / I am beat / but I will find my way / like a Judas in heat

I am fortune / I am free / I’m like a fever of light / in the land of opportunity / don’t do to me / what you did to America / don’t do to me / what you do to yourself

  to finish out, here’s a DeanCas post by @eggcessive with lyrics from America ❤️ I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY WEBWEAVING :)

#sufjannatural #sufjanatural #destiel meta #spn #deancas #sufjan #here it is.... my masterpiece #this didn't take as long as you'd think considering all of this has been on the tip of my tongue for months #<3 I hope others freak out along with me <3 I'm obsessed with the album and his voice #I feel kinda weird posting this bc this album also had like a ton of personal spiritual significance to me.... but it's fine #those things can be connected