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ditzybat · 1 month

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every bat kid is cursed with the plague that is their friends think that their siblings are unbelievably attractive (mainly because everyone in the wayne family could be models if they really wanted to) even if it’s just baseless attraction with no intention to pursue

roy: so your brother, he’s pretty cute isn’t he?

dick: you are so much older than him roy, you have a kid! and why would i agree with you!?

roy: but—

dick: go near him and i will break the golden rule

—

kori: so, how has dick been lately —

jason: kori, for my well being and mental state i do not wanna imagine one of my best friends with my brother, just give him a phone call - i can’t with the swooning this early in the morning

—

kon: damn, i mean i know he tried to kill you… but your brother is real metal y’know what i mean?

tim: what are you yapping about?!

kon: i wanna fuck your brother tim, jeez you’re dense

tim: jason? the.. REDHOOD? YOU WANNA- NO!!!!??

—

jon: damian, ever notice how dick and tim —

damian: finish that sentence and i will maim you

—

steph: cass is hot

duke: no…

steph: what? you’re saying she’s not??

duke: dude, she’s my sister, be so fr

—

this also applicable to bruce wayne, because why wouldn’t it ??

clark: your dad—

cass pulling out bright green knife from out of nowhere: no.

#dc #cass is a daddy’s girl #bruce was born to be a girls dad - sorry #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #bruce wayne #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #duke thomas #roy harper #koriand'r

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cobbleztone · 2 months

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I have seen too many posts of Bruce being a tired old man who understands nothing his kids talk about, but im tired of that crap, Bruce is definitely autistic and he learns everything there is to know about what his kids enjoy so he can bond with them

Dick is into dinosaurs? Bruce now knows more than any paleontologist on earth.

Jay is really into a specific book series? Bruce has now read all the books, watched all film adaptations, and he has spent countless nights theorizing about it.

Tim is into skateboarding? Bruce is now a professional skateboarder and knows how to make a board at home.

Damien is into animals? Well, Bruce just got himself a PhD in zoology

Duke is into chess? Well Bruce is now an expert in chess

Cass is into dancing? Bruce has learned every form of dance in existence

And if you thought he only does this for his legal children, then you thought wrong

Bruce learns that Barbara is into fantasy rpgs? Well, Bruce just learned all about fantasy games

Stephanie is into cooking? Bruce now knows every recipe in existence

They all find it odd but weirdly endearing that he knows so much about what they all enjoy

#bruce wayne being a dad #dc comics #jason todd #bruce wayne #damien wayne #dick grayson #headcanon #batfam #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #barbara gordon #duke thomas #tim drake

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kaethefangirl · 4 months

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bruce forces the batkids to go to his charity balls and he gives them suits and dresses for it- but he accidentally switches tim and Stephanie's outfits.

*Jason, Dick, and Duke huddled together looking at Tim and Stephanie walk into the ballroom*

Jason: They didn't.

Dick: They wouldn't

Duke: They did.

Stephanie: *wearing a black and red tux*

Tim: *holding her arm while wearing a bright purple dress, with heels*

Bruce: *sighs in tired dad*

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sepia-stained-sunset · 1 year

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Bruce being so done with life because none of his kids treat their medical files on the batcomputer with the importance it deserves. And the worst part is, he can't tell if it's on purpose or if they're all Just Like That.

Dick:

He loves his eldest son but for some reason, he refuses to do anything but put down estimated recovery times in his injuries folder. It's usually in the range of "2 weeks" to "48 hours" but that just leaves Bruce worrying about what happened.

One time, he put down 3 months and he nearly had a heart attack till his son called and told him Kor'i had dumped him and that this was how long he was going to be wallowing.

Jason:

Is nice enough to tell him what happened but doesn't add the degree of injury.

So he'll put down "stabbed" but won't elaborate on whether it was a flesh wound or worse. Bruce goes grey very, very early after Jason is on the field.

Tim:

Gives him just the location of the injury and leaves him to guess what happened.

Could say "arm" or "back of the head" or, on one memorable occasion, "spleen", but won't say what the heck happened to any of those parts.

Was he stabbed?? Shot at?? Who knows. Certainly not Bruce.

Damian:

Only mentions the retribution he got for any injuries he received.

"It's been handled", "he'll never be able to get the drop on me again" and more often than not, just the word "avenged".

Bruce is surprised he has any of his original hair colour left at all.

Duke:

By far the worst one. He writes down injuries in terms of his own pain scale.

Could write "OW!" or "Not Gucci" or "Better than that time Jason hit me in the face with a TV remote".

Once wrote "Non-fatal" which sent Bruce into a spiral because "holy shit Duke?? What do you mean non-fatal?? Yeah I sure hope your injuries weren't lethal?!"

Cass:

Has never been injured on patrol. Often leaves him question marks in her file which...yeah, fair enough.

#batfam shenanigans #bruce wayne #tired dad bruce wayne #batkids #batsiblings #tim drake #jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #duke thomas #cass cain #long post #batdad #batfam #batfam shitpost

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bruciemilf · 1 month

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Headcanon that Thomas Wayne was an absolute POWERHOUSE in the kitchen. That guy could make air taste like paradise. Alfred, the absolute IMPOSTER, uses his recipes to impress the bat kids.

Of course a Sicilian New Jersian who smoked 2 packs a week came up with Jason’s favorite marinara sauce and not a goddam British guy who’s favorite meal is tea and biscuits.

The batkids find a picture of tiny Bruce with a little chef hat on his dad’s arm, face full of marinara sauce, half asleep cause the kitchen’s so warm and smells like pure Nirvana

However, Bruce, like Alfred, had no idea about flavor, cause he was more than adamant about dining at Maroni’s restaurant.

Thomas: I can make you a fresh lasagne at home

Bruce: but this lasagna comes with a toy :/

Thomas, watching his disappointment of a child (Bruce is 3) eat that frozen pile of reheated shit Maroni calls food:

#baby Bruce gave his dad the gray hairs #batfamily #alfred pennyworth #damian demands he’s handed his jiddi’s recipe container. his other grandfather has cheated his trust.#bruce wayne #baby bruce wayne #thomas wayne #dc #dc comics #duc #text post

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dcxdpdabbles · 4 months

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DCxDP Fic Idea: The Contact, the Butler and the Sly Time Lord

Martha accidentally engaged Bruce to a higher being when he was two.

It sounds terrible, but she hadn't thought that the man wearing the Time ghost costume at her husband's Halloween Gala wasn't wearing a costume and was actually the physical embodiment of Time.

She just thought he took Halloween very seriously.

Mr. Clockwork was charming and didn't care that she had married from the lower level of first class. Her parents were rich, of course, but they weren't old money, and they certainly didn't have a lot of power to speak of.

Because of that, the elites of Gotham thought she wasn't good enough to be in a family such as the Waynes. It was so lovely not to be dragged into conversations that were thinly concealed insults.

Everyone else at the Gala thought Martha had no right to be there with them. Why was she just a few zeros off from being middle class, and wasn't it just so sad that Thomas would stain his family with her?

Secertly, Martha prayed Bruce would do something wild, like marry a girl from Crime Alley or even adopt kids in lower classes to make them all choke on their pearls.

Her son would be one of the most powerful men in a few years, and she couldn't wait to see what kind of hell he would unleash upon them. She would never push, of course, but it would be a nice fantasy to have every time she had to face passive-aggressive comments from ladies told by their fathers they would be a far better Mrs. Wyane.

" Why, hello there. Aren't you the cutest little thing?" Mr. Clockwork coos, smiling down at Bruce. He clung to his mother's skirt, his matching cowboy costume a miniature version of what she was wearing.

The boy had wandered over in the middle of their conversation once he was bored of coloring at his table. Martha couldn't blame her poor baby. There really wasn't much to do for those his age here.

Thomas had stated that children were usually not brought along due to being loud and distracting.

Martha wouldn't hear any of it, insisting her son would be going with them at the party or there would be no party. The majority of the elites believed children should be seen, not heard, and that boiled her blood something fierce.

Thomas had thankfully known when to pick his battles, so he allowed his wife to drag him to a costume store for a family costume to wear. He currently chatting with a group of investors in all his cowboy glory somewhere on the other side of the gala.

"Say thank you, Bruce," She tells her boy, but he only hides his face more, causing the two adults to chuckle. "Do you have kids, Mr.Clockwork?"

"Yes. Two daughters and a son" The man chuckles "All three are a handleful but I love them dearly."

"Oh, how wonderful. Bruce is my only son, but I want to give him siblings," she tells him warmly. She can picture Bruce chasing after his younger siblings dressed up as the Grey Ghost he loves.

She knows Thomas was worried about their chances of having a second child. He was informed not too long ago that he may suffer from secondary infertility. She didn't mind. If they couldn't have a child of their own by blood they could easily adopt.

Martha worked long and hard to provide good orphanages to the city. Maybe one day, a child from there could be her own. She'll have to speak to her orphanage managers- those in charge of the kids- to see if they could help her find one.

They have successfully been getting kids into good homes (At least she thought the number of children constantly changed, and the kids were never seen again, meaning the families that adopted them loved them enough to never return!)

Mr. Clockwork hums "how about giving him a spouse instead? My girls or boy could be a good partner"

Laughing, she assumes he meant her work on bettering the lives of the gay community- in honor of her brother who passed during the AIDs epidemic. "I'm sure Bruce would be happy to hear Mommy found him a husband."

"Is that a yes?" Clockwork eyes' flashed with an emotion that was gone too quick for her to identify.

"Yes, of course. If that is what they both want, I wouldn't mind their marriage at all."

Mr. Clockworks red eyes - contacts? A medical condition?- gleam, and his voice takes on a strange rhythm. "Then so shall it be, my son Danny Fenton shall be married to Bruce Wayne per their Blood Mother and Core Father deal."

Huh. Maybe Mr. Clockwork is a nutcase. Suddenly, she thinks back to her father, who would often tell her that she lived in a delusion because he did not want her to see the horror that Gotham truly is.

Even when you think you're doing good, Gotham has a way of making your work into nightmares.

Was Mr. Clockwork one of those people he warned her about?

Thankfully, he leaves not long after that. He claims he must return to work before his co-workers notice him gone. She doesn't see him for the rest of the night and half wonders if she had been speaking to one of the wait staff they hired as extra help.

Not that she minded, but it made her think his name might not even be Clockwork.

She tells Thomas the story hours after Bruce is put to bed with a candy bucket and the last guests have all slipped home. Thomas is exhausted, having been playing host longer than her because Martha had left around eight to take Bruce trick and treating. Then she got home and put him down for his bedtime.

She got back to the party around eleven but it was a much-needed break from all the hostility that Thomas had been forced to face alone.

"WHAT!?" Thomas booms when she finishes the story. They had just crawled into bed, and Thomas had been rolling to his side for sleep before her words flung him back. "Clockwork!? You're sure you spoke to Clockwork!?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"What did he look like?"

"Um well he was in costume, but red eyes, blue skin, and he was wearing purple robes." She watches as the blood drains from her husband's face. "What is it darling? Who was he?"

"Oh, this isn't good....Alfred! Alfred!" Thomas frantically calls as if the devil had appeared in their bedroom.

Their servant and sometimes lover comes racing into the room, carrying a loaded shotgun. Ever since Thomas had met him overseas when he hired the British man as a personal bodyguard, he fell hard and fast for Alfred but he still deeply loved Martha.

He had sent Martha a letter detailing his feelings for his guard, and only after she had given him permission did he pursue the butler. Alfred had insisted on meeting Thomas' wife to prove that she was okay with him having a lover, so he had followed Wayne back home.

Then he simply never left.

Maybe because he was the best butler Wayne ever had, with his regal training and service in her royal highness' army, but she thinks that her own developed feelings for Alfred convince him to remain.

Alfred insisted that he was only a servant and thus could not be added to their marriage besides a bed partner occasionally. Still, Martha hoped one day they could convince him otherwise.

Bruce already saw him as a second father.

He looks at the pair, dressed in their nightwear in a rather enticing position (Thomas had grabbed Martha by her shoulder, to look into her eyes but that left them rather entangled on the bed) with no visible threat, and raises one brow.

Before he can say anything Thomas is all but rolling out of bed in a frantic leap. He tangles up in the blankets, falling gracelessly over the edge in failing limbs "Martha made a deal with Clockwork!"

At once, Alfred's handsome face drains of blood. "Oh dear, Martha darling, you made a grave mistake."

She can only blink at the men in confusion. "Who is Clockwork?"

"He has many names, but I knew him as Merlin," Alfred informed her evenly. He took her hand in his, the tremble in his fingers revealing his unease. " He had shown interest in Master Thomas before and was the one I protected him from. I barely fought him off and only due to outsmarting him. I would not be able to do it again a second time."

What?

"He is also known as a Fae or incubus in some circles. The kind that steals you away for fun." Thomas babbled from where he was pacing next to the bed, eyes franticly glancing about as if the bogggie man was about to leap out at him from the shadows.

For a moment, Martha wondered why her husband, a man of science and medicine who had never been superstitious, believed this Clockwork was some...some creature of myths.

"Martha, love, what did he ask of you?" Alfred questioned, bringing her hand to his lips as though kissing them would confirm she was safe before him.

"He asked for Bruce to marry his son."

"Oh, gods!" Thomas fretted, speeding up, his long strides becoming far more frantic. "Please say you didn't say yes."

"I-thought it was a joke, I didn't see anything wrong with it, I- said yes."

Alfred closed his eyes, looking like a man who had just been informed his death sentence had been signed by the Queen. "Then all we can do now is pray."

Years later, as Alfred is dusting the portrait of his deceased loves. He allowed his hand to trace the cover of Martha's painted smile and Thomas' strong jaw, mind filled with stolen kisses and sweet nothings that were ripped away that fateful night.

He is still struck by their loss. Every now and then, the knowledge of their death creeps in during his most mundane activities. It's like a kick to the chest every time.

Oh, how he misses them.

Ding Dong

The front doorbell jolts him out of his memories so violently it takes the aged Butler a moment or two to get a hold of his senses. He puts down the duster, climbs down the latter, and quickly makes his way to the door.

Stopping to fix his suit coat, he throws it open with a prepared smile. He expects extra help from the catering company Master Bruce hired for Wayne's annual Halloween Gala.

He was not expecting the two men, one looking nervous around Master Bruce's age and the other sly. His age is hard to gauge, but it may be due to time not affecting him as it did mortals.

Alfred's blood freezes at the sight of those cunning red eyes and smirk. "Merlin."

"Alfred Pennyworth." The demon chuckles. "I prefer Clockwork, as you know, but it's good to see you remember me. Most humans are prone to forgetting in their limited age."

"What are you doing here?"

"Why I came to fulfill the deal between Martha Wayne nee Kane and I"

"Martha is dead. Your contact is void."

Clockwork chuckles again, the sound as deadly as poison. "The contact lives as long as all those involved in it live. You know this."

Alfred presses the panic button on his wristwatch, knowing it sends a message to everyone in the manor to evacuate immediately. He will not live through this battle, but hopefully, it will give Master Bruce time to escape. "You will not lay a hand on Master Bruce."

"Come now, Alfred. We are to be in-laws. Our sons are joining in holy matrimony. Why the hostility-"

"Excuse me what?" The other man-demon? Ghost? Higher-being? cuts in, looking at Clockwork with brows knitted into a frown. "What did you mean holy matrimony?"

"Danny, you're getting married," Clockwork says with a cheerful wave.

"The hell I am!" The man barks, flushing red with anger. Alfred can hardly believe he just yelled at the monster. "I am not marrying some random guy!"

"It is the way things must go for the good of mankind-"

"Oh, go suck on a lemon! We both know that whole "this is fate" is bull!"

"You are embarrassing me in front of our new in-laws, younn man" Clockwork actually waves a finger at the fully grown human. "This is my one chance to marry you off to a good man. We both know that you can't attract a mate on your own."

"What!? Yes, I can! I've had girlfriends and boyfriends before!"

"And yet, no spouse! No wedding! Not even a ring!"

"Moby Dick, I knew this bonding fishing trip was a lie! You can't make me get married because of some contact you made when I was three!"

"It's not permanent! Martha Wayne said If that is what they both want, I wouldn't mind their marriage at all. This means you both must want to be together after one year of marriage. See if you like it, and if you don't, I can always find you a new husband."

"This isn't returning a jacket to a store! I can't just see if I like being married Clockwork!" The man hissed running a hand through his hair. "We're going home. I'm so sorry for bothering you today Mr. Alfred."

Alfred blinks at the young man's sheepish smile, wondering if ti's a trick. "No bother at all."

"Danny, if you leave without marriage, Bruce Wayne will die in an hour due to breaking our contract," Clockwork says, crossing his arms. "Honestly, your sisters were far more mature regarding their marriages."

Danny punches him in the face with a glowing hand. The higher being falls like a sack of bricks.

"Right, I'm going to drop this one off at a nursing home, and then I'll return to marry Bruce. Only so the contact doesn't kill him, and I swear I'll only visit every once in a while until our year is up." Throwing- Merlin, holy shit- over his shoulder as if though he weighed nothing, Danny waves at Alfred and scurries away, vanishing into a green portal.

Alfred is left standing at the doorway, utterly flabbergasted. Distantly, he wonders if the hollowing wind is actually Martha laughing herself silly in the afterlife.

Carefully, he reaches up for his com, switching it on to the sound of his family's frantic bickering. They were all worried about him since he sent the alarm and were fighting about following policy or saving him.

"Master Bruce," He says faintly silencing the coms "Please come to have your suit fitted as soon as you can."

"What for?" His son asks, likely looking for a coded message, but Alfred doesn't have the mental capacity to make one.

"Your wedding, sir. It's tonight, courtesy of your mother."

The coms explode into chaos.

#dcxdpdabbles #dc x dp crossover #Alfred/Thomas/Martha #spirit halloween #In which Martha thought her lovers were making shit up about their epic battle against the Time Lord #Clockwork is Merlin because he likes messing with humans #Danny is tried of his adoptive dad trying to set him up #arranged marriage #Clockwork hords choas like a dragon and motherhens like a bear #Alfred is just tired

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therandomfandomme · 2 months

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I know it's not really canon bc Alfred is seemingly ageless, but I like the idea that he was like 30-ish when Bruce was orphaned. Like Martha Wayne was like 20 when she had Bruce and 28 when she died with Thomas being 23 at Bruce's birth and 31 at the time of the shooting, while the butler they hired was around their age too (Alfred x Martha x Thomas rights), but Bruce never realized bc Alfred goes gray early and is, again, ageless. So, he is like panicking at 21 having acquired a nine year old and he's like 34 when Damian comes in his life and by the time the batfam has settled he's nearly forty and he asks Alfred how the fuck he kept up with him before he calmed down a bit as a teen bc he had a purpose and then fucked off to go train and Alfred just goes "I was ten years younger than you're now, sir, I also don't know how you do it. Have you looked into the Batman retirement plans more?" and it's only then that Bruce learns Alfred also had not fucking clue what he was doing and was pretty young (though way more reasonable than Bruce with Dick's adoption) to have a whole ass child as a responsiblity. Just the idea that they're closer in age tickles me

#rrrambles #dc #batman #dc comics #detective comics #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #dick grayson #batfam headcanons #batfam #batfamily #dc headcanon #alfred pennyworth x thomas wayhe x marth wayne #martha wayne #thomas wayne #good parent bruce wayne #tired dad bruce wayne

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flamingpudding · 6 months

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Message to the past

Was one nice family dinner in the Wayne Family really possible? Jason was starting to think it wasn't. The evening started out so well, for once he did not have any sort of beef with Bruce for the moment. He got to spend time with Alfred preparing the dinner. Neither Demon Brat nor Pretender were at each other's throats because of a case yet and there was no argument about to happen with Dickie either and he didn't feel like avoiding Bruce. Did he mention he didn't feel like leaving the Manor at the first sight of his old man?

Everything felt like it was gearing up to be a nice and well deserved family dinner with all his siblings being in one space for once.

That was until a Lazarus Green portal opened and a fucking silver green tin can smack dab hit him square in the face. Causing him to fall backwards in his chair and hitting his head painfully on the floor. Why didn't they have carpet in the dinner room again? Oh right, someone -one of his siblings- got mud all over it after patrol and Alfred decided the dinner room didn't need it anymore.

Once the first shock of what had just happened passed. They got to inspect the tin can and found a letter inside it.

Dear future Dad,

Gramps Clockwork spoilered that there is a mess up in the timeline because of the speedsters and I can fix it like this, which is why I am writing this. Please pick me up in the attached location marked on the map. My current self is in need of saving and I honestly would like to spare myself at least a little of the trauma that's about to happen.

Also please bring some explosives. You always regretted not blowing up a corupted govermental facility, so here is your chance of doing so! Be proud, though. I blew up a bunch of them in the future, with supervision, of course, from my uncles and aunts, so great grandpa wouldn't worry.

Please pick me up? Thanks if you do!

Your future adopted son.

PS: please ignore any complains my current self might have. I was in server need of a real parental figure and as you like to say as stubborn as grandpa.

PSS: also please stop antagonizing grandpa about my adoption. It's bad enough that you had to fight him over it in the first place.

PSSS: please bring great grandpa's cookies, I beg you please! I swear I will do all my schoolwork and be a straight A student if you do!

The girls of the family started to pout while the boys exchanged glances. Jason narrowed his eyes at his brothers. There was a silent argument happening and Bruce was watching them all also.

But if there was one thing Jason was sure about. It was that the tin can smacked him in the face. Which meant the letter was his and the time shenanigans arson kid with sass was going to be his kid. His brothers AND Bruce can fight him over that.

Like the kid has said in his letter.

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manufactured-pleasantry · 2 years

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Duke: Bruce hasn't slept for three days now and Alfred is about to whip out his special tea Dick: Wait. Let me try something first. Guys? Plan zeta omega dash grass is about to commence Jason: No, not Plan zeta omega dash grass! Duke: What's Plan zeta omega dash grass?! Dick, whispers in Duke's ear: Watch and follow Tim: Dad Cass: Dad Bruce, flinching: ? Jason: Dad Damian: Dad Dick: Dad Duke: D-dad Bruce, flinching intensifies: ?! Batkids in unison: We love you, Dad Bruce, brain short circuiting: !!!??!?!?!?!?!!? Dick, to Duke: Whenever one of us calls Bruce 'dad' his brain stutters for a moment so I figured all of us doing it would short circuit it. Evidently, it worked too well. He hasn't even realised that he's been tucked into bed.

#bruce wayne #batfam #batdad #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #cassandra wayne #damian wayne #duke thomas #bruce's brain simply cannot process affection 😔#calling bruce dad is something to be weaponized and the kids do and will use it against him #incorrect batfamily quotes

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capsrecedinghairline · 2 years

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Dick: “I’m not his real kid. I’m the only one he didn’t adopt.”

Jason: “I’m not his real kid. He didn’t avenge me, he doesn’t really love me.”

Tim: “I’m not his real kid. I forced my way into this family when he was grieving his actual son, he never wanted me.”

Damian: “I might be the blood son, but I’m not his real kid. I’m the only one he didn’t choose.

Duke: “I’m not his real kid. I’m the odd one out in this family, and technically I still have my parents.

Stephanie: “…”

Stephanie: “Every day I thank God I’m not his real kid.”

#batfam #batman #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #duke thomas #stephanie brown #cass isn’t included in this bc she’s pretty secure in her place lmao she’s like yeah that weird grumpy man is my dad #dc comics