#carnival of aros: loneliness

[askanaroace]

Carnival of Aros: Loneliness Round-Up Post

July's Carnival of Aros theme of Loneliness is a wrap!

I got a ton of really great - and diverse - responses.

I Am Charles Baker Harris shared her piece "On Singleness and Christian Culture", weaving together personal anecdotes on being single and never having a serious relationship at age 29, the influence of Christian purity culture on dating and romance, and how being single has historically been empowering and even a rebellion against patriarchy. Phoebefrog submitted "Loneliness", detailing what loneliness feels like to them and how they plan on trying to combat this feeling. Sildarmillion wrote both "Maybe someday I will meet somebody like me" and "Relationship advice be all about dating". "Maybe someday" is a personal observation on kindred spirits and connection. "Relationship advice" is the observation that society only seems to recognize romantic(+sexual) relationships on multiple levels. Tabby-shieldmaiden produced her piece "Connect" on how finding the right label for you can help you feel less alone, as it did her, including a plea to take intracommunity issues seriously so that EVERYONE can feel welcome and connected. Finally, on this askanaroace blog, I admitted "I Don't Think I Experience It" after polling four alloplatonic alloromantic allosexuals who had very strong, heartbreaking descriptions of what loneliness felt like to them.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and time!

If this has inspired you at all to participate more actively in the carnival via hosting, please reach out to Carnival of Aros to volunteer!

#carnival of aros #carnival of aros: loneliness #roundup #carnival of aros roundup #aromantic #aro #aro spectrum #aplatonic #loneliness #july 2023 #july carnival of aros

[arotechno]

September 2023 Carnival of Aros Call for Submissions: Visions of Aro History

The Carnival of Aros is a monthly aromantic/arospec blogging carnival. You can find the roundup of July 2023 submissions for the theme “Loneliness” here.

Anyone can write a post to be featured in the carnival. Just post a link to your submission in the comments, DM it to me on tumblr, or email me at [email protected]. Submissions are due by September 30.

This month’s theme is: Visions of Aro History

The aromantic community as we think of it is still relatively new, and always growing and evolving. As someone who has personally watched the aro community grow quite a lot over the course of nearly a decade now, I often wonder how much we don’t know, and how many of us—as current-day aros—will be remembered in the future.

That’s why, for this month, I want to discuss our personal visions of aro history. Some sample prompts include:

What does aro history mean to you? What is your own personal history with aromanticism or the aromantic community?

As a relatively fledgling community, we don’t have many role models or ways of envisioning an aromantic future. What does this feel like for you? Is it frightening? Empowering?

What is your favorite bit of aromantic history?

Over the years, many terms, concepts, jokes, etc. within the aro community have been lost. What is one piece of aro history you wish was still in use or better known today?

Although we have records of folks using the word “aromantic” as far back as the early 2000s, we have always existed. What do you wish we knew about early aromantic history? What do you wish you could say to people from the past who did not have the language to express what we would call aromanticism?

Years from now, what is something from today that you hope is remembered as a piece of aro history?

What do you hope is different in the future?

At the end of the month or shortly thereafter, I will post a roundup of everyone’s responses. Anyone and everyone is welcome to participate! Happy blogging!

#carnival of aros #aro #aromantic #actually aromantic #arospec #aromanticism #aro community #op

[exploringaspec]

Carnival of Aros Call for Submissions for November: The Aplatonic Spectrum

November’s Carnival of Aros theme is being hosted by the AUREA book project team. This is a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences by soliciting posts on a theme. This month’s theme is on the aplatonic spectrum. AUREA would like to properly highlight the aplatonic spectrum in its forthcoming book by including quotations and personal narratives from individuals who feel that their experience with the aplatonic spectrum is important to their identity and intersects with their aromantic identity. The AUREA Book Project team would like to use this platform to find those willing to contribute their story to the book.

The aplatonic spectrum is the spectrum used to define little to no attraction to platonic friendship. A good list of microlabels are in the LGBTQIA+ Wiki. 

Here are some prompts to get you started:

·      How has discovering the concept of aplatonicism influenced your identity? 

·      How does your aplatonic identity intersect with your other identities, whether they be aspec identities, cultural, or gender identities? 

·      Do you have experiences with being stigmatized that you would like to share?

·      What advice would you give to others who identify with the aplatonic spectrum about friends, family, and relationships?

·      How do you feel about the concept of loneliness or mental health?

You can submit your post by emailing a link to your blog to [email protected]. Submissions are due by the last day of the month. If you submit a post, the authors will contact you for permission to quote you in the book and send you information about how it will be quoted. This may include direct quotes of sentences, multiple paragraphs, or summarizing a statement. 

#aplatonic #aromanticism #carnival of aros #arospec #aspec #aromantic spectrum

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

Carnival of Aros July 2023: Connect

This is my submission for the July 2023 Carnival of Aros. This month’s theme is loneliness, and you can view the full call for submissions here.

Anyways, I hope you all find something meaningful in this quick thing I wrote out!

It had never been easy for me to relate to other people. A part of that is because of neurodivergence reasons. I already think in ways which are considered ‘atypical’ compared to the majority. A part of that is because over the course of my life, I had managed to amass a number of weird experiences which have made it rather hard to readily relate to others. It is a bit of a bother sometimes, but I’ve been trying hard to not mind it. Everyone is unique, after all. It’s fine if one doesn’t one-hundred percent relate to what other people go through. Unusual people simply add to the diversity of humanity, and enriches the species as a result. 

Besides, when I actually look at what I am on paper, I’m actually not as weird and unusual as I think I am, really. At times, I do feel I can be rather melodramatic.

Still, keeping these things in mind still doesn’t help when I feel like I am all alone. And it is a rather upsetting feeling, when it seems like one doesn’t have a tribe to truly belong to. Plenty of people say it doesn’t matter if one doesn’t have anything to call themselves. That ultimately it’s better for one to just do what they want to do, and worry about labels later. And I suppose people are right, but there is still something important to keep in mind. Ultimately, the labels are so that you can meet other people to connect with. When you try to be yourself, and who you are doesn’t present with many obvious labels, it can be hard to find other people to connect with. And that’s ultimately what this issue is all about for a while. I was sick of being alienated, and I wished I could connect with other people the way other people did.

Things have gotten better as I have grown up. But I still remember how things were when I was younger. When things were much harder, and I was way more isolated.

I was a pretty sheltered kid growing up. And I think that shelteredness only added to my difficulty making friends. I had hoped for a while that my assumed ‘strangeness’ was just growing pains. That someday I will grow up and outgrow this. That I will become some sort of recognisable person, that I would be a ‘normal girl’. A part of that idea, to me, was growing up and experiencing this ‘love’ thing other people talked about. When children grow into teenagers, they said, they will get crushes on people. They will find someone they like. And they may even go on and date someone, have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. 

For a while, I waited. And I waited and I waited. I had thought that things I felt in the past were crushes, but that didn’t really turn out to be true. And it was so frustrating for me, when I realised that I wasn’t a regular person like that. It felt like another way in which I was not a real human. 

Coming to terms with my aromanticism ultimately ended up being helpful to remedying this feeling. This was because, well, I realised I could stop pretending to experience something I did not. And more importantly, I realised that by doing so, I could find other people who I could share experiences with. It was a strange feeling. Finding a label to call myself which really fitted what I had gone through, and finding people there too, who may have interesting insights into what it means to be this thing. That had… rarely happened before in my life. I was feeling a little bit more empowered to come into my own. Not only because I realised there were narratives in the world that map onto my experiences, but also because, now that I know what my life could be shaped like, I feel more secure in the ways it deviates from the shape. 

It fits. Not in the sense that it wraps me snugly and conforms to my measurements perfectly. But in the sense that I like it enough that I am willing to put up with the bagginess. 

Aromantics as a community struggle with loneliness. Aspecs, and queer people in general really. And it is true, there is a lot which needs to be done to solve this issue. Besides fighting against queerphobia and amatonormativity in society, we have to work on intra community issues. We have to work to make spaces safer and more accessible for everyone. Regardless of ethnicity, ability, and so on. And because I realise that I had a community to call my own, I now know that if there are problems in my community, I have to do my part to work on them. 

And because I know that this is a community, I know that I do not have to be alone in trying to work on them.

#tabby says something #carnival of aros #aromantic #carnival of aros july 2023 #aro

[aromagni]

Love is Just a Feeling (Carnival of Aros, December 2019, Part 2)

(I wrote a more personal narrative style piece about feeling demiplatonic (Part 1) which is kinda related to the prompt, but this poem is more directly related to it.) 

Love is Just a Feeling (and I am not obligated to feel it) 

What is love? I know it not;

This word so heavy in weight,

Yet feeling so hollow in meaning. .

Growing up, we’d see it used on TV,

Used so serious and momentously,

Yet amidst so much conflict it seemed empty. .

A word with strong implications I do not feel I understand,

So I always avoided using it to refer to another and

The weight of the words grows heavier.

.

Society intertwines love with romance and humanity with love,

Valuing people based on the relationships they hold

Rather than the people they are.

.

There are other types of love, that is true

And they should be recognized too,

But none should be expected as a condition of humanity.

.

Even if love were divorced from romance, 

I’d still reject it’s societal emphasis,

And the relationship hierarchy hidden within.

.

Do I love? I do not know,

For I know not what all I feel;

And if I did, I would not name it so.

.

I may feel fondness or adoration,

I may even feel affection,

But love? I’m not sure I’d even want to.

.

Love has such an inflated meaning

That it’s become meaningless to me;

Can we focus instead on kindness?

.

Kindness is an act and love a feeling,

I can not control my feelings,

So if you’re gonna judge my humanity on anything, at least make it something I can control.

.

Growing up, we’d learn from TV

That the villains were evil 

Because they could not feel love.

.

It’s hard when society tells you what you don’t feel means you’re broken,

And even worse when friends leaving only makes the message sink in;

When the world says you’re broken, it’s hard not to feel like it’s true.

.

I do not know if I feel love, but I know I shouldn’t have to.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #actually aromantic #demiplatonic #types of love #aro poetry #aro experiences #amatonormativity #aro loneliness #my post #magni's thoughts #when thought about prompt kept thinking of various song lyrics so ended up being a poem #ergh line spacing being weird #the stanzas are important for the pacing

[askanaroace]

Carnival of Aros: Loneliness - I Don't Think I Experience It

I'm hosting July's Carnival of Aros on the topic of Loneliness. August, October, November, and on still need hosts, so if you're interested in interacting more with the aro community, please consider volunteering!

.

So when I created the intro post to the Loneliness topic, I proposed a question I couldn't get out of my head.

What’s your understanding or definition of loneliness? Does this seem to differ from an alloromantic’s description of loneliness?

After this, I was just like...omg does it?

First, I tried to define loneliness. And that was hard. I knew the general feeling of what I call loneliness but putting words to that was a lot harder.

I'm not gonna lie. I gave up on trying to figure out what words were fitting really quick. And instead I asked on facebook for any connections to give me their definition of loneliness if they wished.

Four alloplatonic alloromantic allosexuals answered me. I won't quote them, since I didn't get permission for that, but holy shit.

Their answers were absolutely heartbreaking. They centered around the idea of being isolated and/or disconnected and/or misunderstood and experiencing a sucking black hollowness of hopelessness and pain. Multiple of them brought up how loneliness could cause or worsen depression and other mental health struggles.

They all had really strong descriptions of how horrible loneliness felt. Even just through text alone, I could feel the intensity of their feelings.

And from the very first answer, I just had to go: holy shit. I don't think I've ever really been lonely. And every answer that came after the first just verified that I have never felt these depths of loneliness my connections were describing.

For reference, I'm an aplatonic aromantic (caedromantic) asexual. I'm not sure I was always aplatonic or it's also related to my trauma, but I have always had much lower social needs than everyone around me.

I've definitely felt isolated, disconnected, and misunderstood before. There's a lot of times where I want to have someone to reach out to in order to vent about something or be hopeful about something and felt like no one would really support or understand or maybe even care about me. I've often struggled with reconciling the fact that I'm not interested in any sort of committed relationship and the fact that I'm supposed to be interested in marriage. I've struggled with feeling left behind because I'm just not interested in so many of the adult "milestones" of modern culture (primarily marriage and kids).

And that's what I would have described as loneliness. Wanting to want someone to reach out to but not wanting it. The inconvenience of not having anyone to share the petty bullshit minutia of life with. The frustration of only having myself as my own cheerleading section (and failing miserably at it).

I would maybe have categorized these feelings as a max intensity of 5 out of 10. And that is a maximum - not an average.

Judging by my connections descriptions, their intensity sounds a lot closer to a 10.

And that's really interesting. Is this comparative emotional blunting due to depression/other mental illness? Is it wrapped up in the fact that I generally don't want/can't handle intimate connections? Is it a mix of both?

It's an interesting question, and like many other personal questions about identity and self - one I'm just not sure I have a true answer to. I would guess it's both with a sprinkling of other things I haven't considered just due to the messy, complicated nature of humans. But who really knows.

#aromantic #aro #aro spectrum #aplatonic #apl #carnival of aros #carnival of aros: loneliness #loneliness #submission #askanaroace #feelings #experiences #connection #relationships #visibility #long post

[askanaroace]

A friend suggested I submit this post to the “Carnival of Aros."  It’s about my experiences as an asexual, probably aromantic, single Christian.  

#asexuality #ace spectrum #aro spectrum #submission #carnival of aros #loneliness #carnival of aros: loneliness #aromantic #aro #on singleness and christian culture #iamcharlesbakerharris #thanks so much for your submission! #great read #and now i am really curious to look up some medieval nuns

[askanaroace]

Lonelieness

Lonelieness is a weird feeling. Sometimes i think it seems like a great big visible separation and sadness, other times it is empty, invisible and hurtful.

I am aromantic asexual, and i feel lonlieness in my identity in lots of ways. My friends know about my identity as of recent, however i have found that them knowing has not helped me to feel not so isolated. Because of the lack of aroace awareness, they barely know what the words mean and even then we simply cannot relate. This means i feel even more alone as i cannot express myself without explaining and having questions about everything.

Additionally, i have never met an aroace person in the wild. I have seen great ace pride at events, which is great, but the lack of any aro celebration was scary. I felt anxious at pride for some of the time, knowing that the aro identity was not recognised amongst every flag, as i never saw others who shared my identity. Perhaps if some had, i might have even gone up to them and say how cool it was to meet a fellow aro.

Being lonely makes me feel anxious and cold. I think that in the future, in order to combat this, i will try to find more aro and ace groups in my area to maybe meet up with. Having a queerplatonic partner seem nice as well, someone you can empathise and share a deep bond with is great, and i hope that one day this can happen to me.

:)

-phoebefrog

#asexuality #aromantcism #submission #aromantic #aro #aro spectrum #aroace #carnival of aros #carnival of aros: loneliness #loneliness #asexual #ace spectrum #phoebefrog #community #thanks for your submission! #good luck finding community

[askanaroace]

I found another piece sitting in my drafts that could fit with this month’s Carnival of Aros’ theme – Loneliness. I may have originally intended it to be part of a larger piece, but I c…

I actually can’t resist adding some commentary to your sub here because it’s something I’ve discussed a lot with others. Actually, as a result, Kate Preach (via Captain Awkward) actually came up with this guide a while ago that a lot in our group have gotten a lot from, so I’d like to share it.

Here is my Friending Guide again in case it helps: #############

One of the big ways indirect friending works is by reciprocity signals.

Sorry, I’m now going to nerd out and write something down in geeky detail in case it helps. For the sake of turning into numbers, let’s assume everyone starts at friendship level zero, and really really bestest friends is level 10.

So person A wants to test out person B to see if they are open to friendship, they say something mildly friendly, at level 1 (‘Hey, how are you? Nice to see you again!’). If person B replies similarly at level 1 (‘Okay thanks – I’m glad it’s the weekend! How are you doing?’), then they both know that they are open to being level 1 friends (in this case, people who are friendly-ish to each other but not close).

At that point, if neither of them wants anything more, they can carry on happily at level 1 for years. Or, one of them – B in this case – will test the water at level 2 by adding a bit more personal detail (‘Actually I’m a bit sad today because….’) If A reciprocates at level 1 (‘Poor you! But at least it’s the weekend’), then they both go back to level 1. The signal was ‘do you want to be better friends?’, and the answer was no. Or if A does want to be better friends, they reciprocate at level 2, or even at 3.

The idea here is not to be too far ahead or behind the other person, and test each level first to see if they are open to more intimacy. Going from 1 to 7 (“I had a great orgasm last night, and this is how…”) in a single bound is viewed as high pressure and weird.

[The caveat here is that there are very occasional circumstances where extreme intimacy happens quickly – hen/batchelorette nights, CA meetups, natural disasters, etc. – but for normal circumstances don’t leap ahead, and if you’re nervous let the other person make the leap first even if you are in one of those situations.]

A friendship where one person is at 2 and one person is at 5 is unbalanced and won’t really work long term. It is okay short term (if you are going through something horrible and need to talk about it), but it needs to get back in balance after the crisis.

So to navigate this, the keys are a) responding to any change in level – if they lead with a 2, responding with a 1 looks like a brush off even if you didn’t mean it that way, and b) respecting their levels. If you’ve tried someone with a level 2 or 3 and they didn’t reciprocate, don’t push it, and respect their choice. Be open to more from them, but don’t start it yourself more than twice on the same person.

Incidentally, some ways to signal a change in levels are by actions as well: invitations to something, introductions to partner/family, home visits.

In these cases, saying no is a no; saying yes is a yes, saying ‘I can’t do Tuesday, but how about Wednesday?’ is a yes, but importantly: saying ‘I can’t do Tuesday, but let’s do it some other time’ IS A NO. It’s a polite deflection and shouldn’t be taken as a yes.

So if you like someone, try testing them out for moving up the scale – if you’re at 1 try a 2, if at 2 try a 3, ask ‘it’s fun to talk, would you like to get a coffee this weekend?’

If the same person says no or deflects twice in a row, back off and let them decide if they want to invite you to something. Move on and try someone else.

If you’re really geeky about it you can track all of this in a spreadsheet or something!

That’s by Kate Preach.

User syrens had a bit of an addition/clarification (based on some questions this brought up):

Re: Don’t have a specific counter-time to offer right off the top of your head: Say “[Optional Expression of Dismay]!  I can’t do Thing on [date], but would love to do it a different day.  Let me check my schedule and I’ll call/email this evening” (or similar) and then following through with what you said you’d do.  That’s how you make your yes sound like a yes.

Re: How do you know what level what is on: I think it’s less about categorizing what is “level one” versus what is “level six” or whatever, so much as being able to gage offers of intimacy.  Does their offer of intimacy (invitations, information, etc) feel weirdly personal – are they oversharing in some way?  Yes?  They are probably offering a friendship level that is higher than what you’re comfortable with.  If you want to up your friendship to a higher level, but not one that’s as high as what they’re offering, you might counter “Want to come to my house for pizza and Dr Who on [Date]” with “Can’t do [Date].  Maybe we could do pizza and *trivia night at [place]* on [different date within the same seven days] instead?” Does their offer of intimacy sound totally cool and like something you would want to do – “I’m having people over to play boardgames on Saturday.  Want to come?” (“Yes!  What time should I be there, and is there anything I should bring?” OR “Yes!  But I’m busy on Saturday.  Can you let me know when the next one is? [followed by inviting them, within a couple of days, to a group thing at your place]” OR “Yes!  But I’m busy on Saturday.  Want to meet me at [place] for one-on-one scrabble, Tuesday night?”) – then you both want to be at the same level.

Er… Does any of that make sense…?

#aro spectrum #submission #amatonormativity #carnival of aros #carnival of aros: loneliness #loneliness #relationships #relationship hierarchies #sildarmillion #thanks for your submission! #friendship #friendship guide #platonic relationships

[askanaroace]

I found a small piece sitting in my drafts that I think fits with this month’s Carnival of Aros’ theme – Loneliness. So I decided to turn it in as a submission. Sometimes I’ll get…

#aro spectrum #submission #aromantic #carnival of aros #carnival of aros: loneliness #loneliness #crush #squish #aro #sildarmillion #community #maybe someday i will meet somebody like me #thanks for your submission! #i've definitely been through the same of having some sort of feelings for someone and learning they didn't have the same interest #in giving their time or company

[askanaroace]

July Carnival of Aros: Loneliness

The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging event where any and every aro (including questioning aros) is welcome to respond to the month's prompt. Last month's prompt was "being aromantic in an allonormative world" if you want to check out some other topics/responses.

This month's prompt is Loneliness. Here's some ideas of how you might talk about loneliness as an aro:

Are you in a relationship but feel lonely/isolated due to your unique experience of dating as an aromantic? What triggers this? How do you cope?

Are you an aro who does atypical relationship type/s (queerplatonic, relationship anarchy, solo polyam, polyam) who finds yourself feeling lonely due to a lack of people who understand or respect these relationship types? How did you find community? How do you cope?

Does being nonpartnering trigger any loneliness for you? What brings up these feelings? How do you cope?

Is loneliness a feeling that's brought up by not wanting or not pursuing typical "adult milestones" like marriage? How do you manage this? Have you found other milestones to celebrate?

Does being a closeted aro bring up specific feelings of loneliness? How do you cope?

Does any loneliness related to your aromanticism feel different from other situations you experience loneliness in?

What are your tips for dealing with loneliness?

Have you managed to overcome feelings of loneliness? How?

What's your understanding or definition of loneliness? Does this seem to differ from an alloromantic's description of loneliness?

Anything else you're inspired to write about regarding loneliness.

To enter, write about your response on any platform (tumblr, reddit, medium, mastodon, wordpress, etc.) and submit it to me here on tumblr. You do not need a tumblr account to submit your post to me.

Submit your posts by August 1st, 2023. No strict timezone rules. At that time, I'll post a roundup with all the submissions to make them easy to read and find.

We desperately need hosts, so please reach out and volunteer if you have a topic you'd be interested in hearing other aro thoughts on. It's super easy and a great way to connect to the community.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #aro #aro spectrum #queer #boost #loneliness

[askanaroace]

Nov Carnival of Aros: Aplatonic - Aplatonic Advice

So this month's Carnival is hosted by @exploringaspec on the topic of aplatonicism.

Now, I've written quite a bit about my aplatonicism and aplatonicism in general already (all of which AUREA is welcome to quote if anything is interesting enough).

Loneliness - I Don't Think I Experience It

Aplatonicism guitar playing metaphor

Afamilial Thoughts

How I Came to the Aplatonic Label

Platonic vs romantic love

Coping with loneliness

Dealing with guilt

So it was quite difficult for me to come up with something I wanted to talk about this month. Since I am an advice blog, I think I will go with some general advice to anybody aplatonic, aplatonic spectrum, or questioning.

-> Remember, aplatonic is just like any other label. It's a tool. It's not meant as a diagnosis. You don't need to meet some standard or pass some test to be valid. Is the term aplatonic useful to you in some way? Does it make you feel good/comfortable/seen to use the label? Does it help you connect with a community of people who have similar experiences to you? Do you want to ID as aplatonic? If you answered yes to any ONE of those, then try the label out! You make the label work for you. You don't work yourself to the label. Use it when, how, and if you feel like it. That includes not using or discarding the term if it doesn't work for you, even if you might technically fit into the definition.

-> There's no one way you have to feel. I mean this multiple ways. You're not somehow inherently "wrong" for not feeling A Way(TM) about the people in your life just because a lot of people may feel differently than you. There's not one way to be aplatonic, either. The term has multiple, wide definitions. It can refer to people who don't experience platonic crushes. It can refer to people who don't experience platonic love. It can refer to people who have difficulty, disinterest, and/or discomfort in making, managing, or maintaining platonic relationships. Again: do you connect to the term in some way? That's what matters. Language is a tool. That's it.

-> Foster whatever kinds of relationships you desire or that make you happy. Don't foster relationships you don't desire or that make you unhappy. You can be aplatonic and allosexual. You can be aplatonic and alloromantic. You can be aplatonic and experience alterous attraction. You can be aplatonic and want a committed partner of some kind. You can be aplatonic and polyamorous. You can be aplatonic and experience familial, aesthetic, sensual, etc. attraction. You can be aplatonic and want none of that. You can be aplatonic and be a hermit/recluse. You can be aplatonic and enjoy having acquaintances or other casual platonic relationships. Instead of getting hung up on the label, explore what makes you happy - and what doesn't. And it's okay if this changes over time (short- or long-term).

-> Relationships aren't the only thing in life. Feel free to focus on hobbies, art, sports, exercise, cooking, baking, fashion, work, volunteering, animals, education, meditation, spirituality. In fact, I would encourage everyone to not forgot those parts of life exist and to pursue other parts of yourself beyond your relationship to other people.

I hope there are some helpful words in here if you needed them.

Volunteering for the Carnival is deceptively easy, and we have an open spot for December and January. If there's a topic you want to engage the community in, please reach out. All you need is a topic idea and a place you can receive submissions at. If you don't even have a place to host - we'll help with that.

#aplatonic #apl #carnival of aros #identity #questioning #labels

[askanaroace]

Oct Carnival of Aros Sub: Non-Humanity

So this month's Carnival of Aros is on "Humanity and the Non-Human" by @tabby-shieldmaiden about how concepts of humanity tend to center around love and romance.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as I continue to discover more and more about myself. At this point, I'm now aplatonic, loveless and heartless, aromantic, asexual, and nonbinary and genderqueer. I think a lot about how I don't connect with a lot of the "human" experiences and want people like to claim makes you human. I don't love. I don't do romance. I have no interest in sex. I'm not going to get married or have kids. I don't have pets. I don't understand friendship or have the energy for it. I don't even fit into a man or woman category.

It's othering, to say the least. I'm not unhappy with any of these things. I accept them and even like them about myself. Being aromantic was a legitimate relief for me. I don't want to love. I don't want to do typical relationships.

But I have no one irl that understands any of this. All of my community HAS to be online. I've been told I count as a "negative gay" due to my lack of romantic and sexual feelings. Feelings of loneliness get projected onto me all the time.

I do not connect with other people.

More and more, I get the draw towards voidpunk. I admire the people who really take this up.

One of the first things I read about asexuality was "Planet Asexuality" about how being asexual was kinda like being an alien living amongst people. And I related so hard. It was just a perfect encapsulation of my experience growing up.

But the thing is, even though I don't really relate strongly to being human, I know that I am and I don't really relate to much else. I really like the idea of voidpunk, but like so many other things, I feel like an outsider looking in when it comes up. I don't have a strong sense of being or not being anything. I mostly just feel...other. I'm here, and I should belong - but I don't really. Sometimes people kinda try to let me know I semi-belong, but at the end of the day I don't.

You know that feeling when you're in a room full of people, but you still feel disconnected? That's me just living my life. I'm sure depression plays into that, but none of how I identify or how society as a whole talks about humanity helps.

I think I will make it a goal to explore voidpunk more. How I feel about voidpunk now is pretty similar to how I felt about aplatonic for years before I really identified that way. Perhaps with just a little effort on my part...I will finally feel a connection instead of living in a world of identities that all have to do with not connecting.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #aplatonic #aro #apl #loveless #heartless #asexual #genderqueer #nonbinary #non humanity #voidpunk #connection

[arotechno]

Carnival of Aros, July 2020: Music

Even before I knew I was aro, music has always been a huge part of my life. I’m a musician myself, as are most of my friends, so it’s always been something that has brought me a lot of joy, solace, and connection with people I care about. So I wanted to take this time to talk about a song that means a lot to me, in the hopes that it will resonate with other aros.

With the current state of the world as I write this in the summer of 2020, I’ve had a lot of time to myself and a lot of anxiety and emotions to process. I ended up with a plethora of new playlists as the weeks and months drifted by. (As in, I have a dedicated Spotify folder called “corona playlists”. Some of us make playlists to cope, okay?) I also, for a very brief time, picked up the piano.

My sister plays the piano, and her old electric keyboard is still sitting upstairs at my parents’ house even though we’re both in our 20s and no one touches it anymore. I never learned, but for a few weeks, I got it into my head that I was going to teach myself to play something before I moved out at the end of July. It’s now two days until the move, and I did not succeed in teaching myself the piano; but that isn’t the point. I did learn quite a bit about music and chord structures that I hadn’t known before, and I did revisit a song that’s very dear to me. That would be Keane’s “Hamburg Song”, off of their 2006 album Under The Iron Sea, one of my all-time favorites.

I have always loved “Hamburg Song”, since I discovered it as a middle schooler when I downloaded it onto my iPod Nano off of my friend’s computer. It was one of the first songs I taught myself to play on the ukulele, but it’s really an organ and piano ballad--so I tried to learn it on the piano. I only got as far as the organ intro, but it was a cathartic, full-circle experience. What I didn’t understand for many years was why I related to Keane’s music so much, this song in particular. That was until about a year ago, when I found this quote from Tim Rice-Oxley, the band’s pianist and primary songwriter:

“Hamburg Song is definitely about a particular feeling of… You don’t want someone’s attention all the time, you don’t want to be the star of the show all the time, but you just wanna be the kind of… what they consider to be their home. Even though you might only get a small proportion of their attention and time, they consider that small portion of time to be the most precious and the bit they look forward to the most. I guess it’s about feeling that you’re not really asking very much.”

I realized that this song in particular embodied my own feelings. I don’t want to be anyone’s one-and-only; I just want to be a friend they can call their home, and it at times does feel like I’m giving much more than I’m asking for. “Hamburg Song” resonates with me now more than it ever did, and it remains one of my favorite songs of all time.

A lot of Under The Iron Sea is non-romantic, or at least not explicitly romantic. Much of the album was written about Rice-Oxley’s strained relationships with his bandmates, and not about a romantic partner (“Broken Toy”). But it also dips a toe into the realm of politics (“Is Is Any Wonder?”) and fame (“The Frog Prince”). It’s an album of uncertainty, confusion, loneliness, and a desire to understand and be understood. It goes to different places, both personal and global, but it doesn’t delve deeply into romance. Coming to appreciate one of my all-time favorite albums in a new light was an experience I did not expect, but it has only made me love it more.

In a way, this post is a long-winded defense of Keane as an underrated powerhouse of non-romantic music. Tim is a brilliant lyricist who writes about a lot of things unrelated to romance in a way that I find both validating and compelling, and I think more people should listen to Keane, especially aro folks looking for non-romantic music with a lot of heart. No, this is not sponsored, but boy do I wish it were.

So, if you’re aro, or even if you’re not, here’s “Hamburg Song”. And if you have 50 minutes to spare, I highly recommend giving all of Under The Iron Sea a listen.

#aro #aromantic #carnival of aros #carnival of aros july 2020 #aro music #aro music recs #long post #op

[aromagni]

My Experiences Feeling Demiplatonic (Carnival of Aros, December 2019, Part 1)

(The majority of this is about my experiences with demiplatonic, which is only kinda tangentially related to this month’s prompt, but I was wanting to write about it anyways and there is some overlap; I’m made another post (Part 2) with something I wrote more directly responding to the prompt.)

My perception of the concept of “love” is influenced by many aspects of my identity, including not only my aromanticism but also my neurodivergency and my relation to the aplatonic-spectrum, specifically the term demiplatonic.  I dislike “love” and the societal expectation of it as a universal human experience even outside of its ties to romance, because non-romantic relationships are not universal either.  There’s this narrative that people can only find happiness through love and I find this harmful.  There shouldn’t be a societal expectation for any type of love or relationships, because not everyone feels or wants these things.

When I was younger, I wanted to have friends in general but I never really wanted to be friends with people specifically.  I didn’t like being alone so I would alternate between trying and failing to socialize with people before retreating to read my books, or on rare occasions would find someone who had a common interest and would tolerate me so I would latch onto them as a “friend”.  In middle school, I kept a running tally of how many people I could consider “friends” along with mentally ranking them in tiers…..after my brother mocked me for not being able to name 5 friends.  Making friends never came naturally to me.

In high school, I’d managed to acquire a group of friends…..who would at least spend time with me if brought in proximity by other things, though we rarely made actual plans to hang out.  In sophomore year, I figured out that I am aroace and first became exposed to much terminology, including aplatonic.  I was rarely in convenient proximity with my friend group and thus I felt alone…. so I spent a lot of time overthinking friendships.  

At one point I realized that I did not feel comfortable receiving affection such as hugs from most people, including people I considered friends but was less close with.  In comparison, I felt comfortable receiving hugs from 1-2 of my closest friends.  Since I was only comfortable doing platonic affection things with people I felt a strong emotional connection with, that was when I initially resonated with the term demiplatonic.  That perhaps wasn’t a great reasoning and showed poor understanding of the term, but feelings are confusing and actions are easier.  Similarly, around that time what first helped me conclude that I was aro is that I didn’t find the idea of doing “romantic” things like kissing appealing.  Naturally, my understanding of terms has grown with time.

***

In college, I experienced what I would consider my first proper squish on a friend I felt close to.  I considered this attraction to be a mix of queerplatonic, platonic, alterous, and sensual attractions, though referring to it as platonic/a squish was simplest.  I wanted to spend a lot of time with this person and also I wanted to be affectionate with them (Hugging/cuddling).  This was a notably different feeling than what I felt towards other friends, whom I enjoyed spending time with because I like having friends but I didn’t seek to spend time with them specifically.  Thus, I felt more strongly that the label demiplatonic was applicable to me.  With the mix of attractions, perhaps demi-queerplatonic or demi-sensual was technically more accurate, or aplatonic and demi-queerplatonic, but demiplatonic was easiest.  So I considered myself demiplatonic and thus apl-spec, while also wanting a queerplatonic relationship and not considering myself nonamorous. ***

Making friends never came naturally to me, and maintaining friendships even less so.  It seems like when I do have strong feelings for someone then it’s emotionally volatile and inevitably collapses…...whereas if I don’t feel as strongly about them and mainly appreciate their presence as my friend then it’s more stable, though often times that dissipates as they don’t prioritize me enough to ever have time for me.  As always, once no longer brought into convenient proximity by outside forces, we drift apart despite my efforts to prevent it.  

I increasingly feel like I am inherently bad at friendships, especially now as I look around and find I have few to no actual friends.  It’s been about a year now since I lost most all my social connections from two back-to-back incidences around winter break.  Nothing particularly dramatic or objectively bad happened…..and yet I feel almost traumatized by past relationships and the overwhelmingly negative emotions built on top of it by many smaller things over time.  I used to seek affection and platonic partnership, but now I’m inclined to be non-partnering and am more touch repulsed than ever before.  I try to seek out at least casual socialization because I know feeling socially isolated is bad for me, but I feel like I’m bad at socializing at all.

I am neurodivergent, which definitely contributes to my difficulties with social stuff.  I know I have ADHD, and I feel that the RSD and emotional dysregulation which comes with it has contributed greatly to the extent to which I feel negatively affected by past friendships.  I increasingly ponder whether I am also autistic, because while there is overlap with ADHD, I don’t think it alone explains my inherent difficulties with socializing.  I think I used to be better at socializing somewhat “normally”, but at some point I became comfortable enough with existing friendships that I forgot how to filter myself when interacting with people and now that they’re gone, making friends is even harder than ever before; so I feel anxious that everyone just finds me annoying ... while not being confident in my ability to interpret social cues to determine whether or not that anxiety is justified.

I now relate more to the original context of aplatonic, with difficulties making friends being associated with trauma or neurodivergency.  I seek friendships to combat loneliness, but I doubt my own capacity of emotions for people and feel guilty that I’m being selfish and don’t care the way I think I’m supposed to.  I identify more closely with the term aplatonic and apl-spec as a whole, though I know I feel demi-something so demiplatonic still feels accurate to use.  I don’t consider myself nonamorous, because I find it hard to be content or fulfilled without strong emotionally intimate relationships of some sort.  I do consider myself non-partnering, at least for now, because the idea of a QPR feels ruined to me now and seeking partnership of any sort hurts too much to be desirable.  People tend to conflate these terms, aplatonic, nonamorous, and non-partnering, as if they are approximately the same, but they feel different to me and each are useful.  I also think that while it is important to acknowledge the context of aplatonic as being based in neurodivergent aros and trauma, I think trying to isolate it to a single definition or context of acceptable use is not ideal as it can be a very useful and dynamic term.  Feelings are confusing, and relationships even moreso, so sometimes it’s not easy to separate out emotions that are platonic or queerplatonic and which are or are not felt.  

I consider myself demiplatonic; the experiences, reasons, and definitions with which I identify with it have changed over time, but the descriptor remains the same and continues to be useful to me.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #actually aromantic #aplatonic #demiplatonic #aro #aro experiences #adhd #autistic #neurodivergent #aro relationships #qpr #my post #magni's thoughts #long post