#can you sense my anger?

[claraoswalds]

The Girl Who Died // Hell Bent

#dwedit #doctor who #usertennant #userveronika #userteri #twelfth doctor #clara oswald #doctor x clara #twelveclara #* #I'M SICK OF LOSING PEOPLE. LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR EYES AND YOUR NEVER GIVING UP AND YOUR ANGER AND YOUR KINDNESS. #ONE DAY THE MEMORY OF THAT WILL HURT SO MUCH THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE AND I'LL DO WHAT I ALWAYS DO. #I'LL GET IN MY BOX AND I'LL RUN AND I'LL RUN IN CASE ALL THE PAIN EVER CATCHES UP. AND EVERY PLACE I GO IT WILL BE THERE. #anyway idk if this makes sense outside of my head but the journey between like #she might meet someone she can't bear to lose -> gives her a second repair kit so she can make someone else immortal too -> #he can't bear to lose clara -> he brings her back from the dead which makes her functionally immortal -> #look how far i went for fear of losing you #ok actually i need to make a full parallel set. someone remind me to do that

[transmechanicus]

Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.

#my stuff #i feel soooo bad talking to my therapist about the same topics over multiple weeks #like i feel like they're sooo sick of it like damn can this bitch get Over It alreadyyyy #hi yes actually can we talk about the near catastrophic sense of betrayal and loss that has haunted my soul for over a month? #can we talk about how I overcompensate for other's possible feelings and emotions to desperately mask my terror at feeling out of control #can we talk about how even when I know ppl acted with logical reasons necessary for their situation it still hurt me? #and that this pain fills me up with so much anger and frustration that I'm powerless to put anywhere that won't hurt someone #so it just cooks me inside and makes me grind my teeth constantly for weeks #im so angry i did not deserve to be treated like this it's not fair and I have no capacity to fix it or control when it feels better #i just have to survive and wait until i forget about it and hope they don't decide to reach out and fuck it all up #cause i can see that happening #i'll finally be free of thinking about them and generally going about my day unbothered and they'll ask to get coffee or something #and I have no idea what I should do in that scenario. because I don't think we can be friends. #and you have not treated me with the compassion and warmth I treated you #i would want to say mean things. hurtful things. I would want to bite back for once. #and that's not me. that's not who I want to be. #i don't wanna see you. go away. don't talk to me if you're not going to make the pain go away.

[flo-n-flon]

"We can fight, Leane. As long as we are alive, we can fight."

Massive spoiler for The Shadow Rising.

Probably my favourite chapter of the whole series so far, if only because it was one of the most striking and extreme turns, an absolute game-changer. It was also gloriously prepared by the start of the book. I am so excited for what comes next for them.

#Siuan Sanche #Leane Sharif #wot book spoilers #wot fanart #the wheel of time #the shadow rising #show: the wheel of time #character: siuan sanche #character: leane sharif #mandatory essay about how bloody amazing siuan is #I've already talked in my notes about how raw this feels and how incredibly relatable her anger is #I could write an essay about the way you can sense the panic coming in waves to her mind and then she reins the terror in #and I KNOW it's not a word for word translation of the book #particularly when it comes to their attire but there's no way I'm drawing it like that #or that the show keeps it that way #I've forced myself to draw a background too and shade in hatches #I am so happy #is it messy ? yes but it is finished

[archer-antiope]

yeah i think if gorgug had told porter to fuck off immediately the mcat would’ve been signed, but also if porter had the “rage can be healthy” convo with gorgug straight up first day of junior year if not much, much sooner, gorgug would have had a much smoother path to success in barbarian AND artificer classes. and one of these makes more sense to happen because ONE IS AN ADULT TEACHER WHO SHOULD BE PRIMING HIS STUDENTS FOR SUCCESS AND THE OTHER IS A TEENAGER—

#text #d20 spoilers #look i see some of you all making points about porter #and i get it #but also gorgug is a CHILD #WHO IS RAISED IN GNOMISH COMMUNITY AND THEREFORE HAS A DIFFERENT SENSE OF RAGE FROM PORTER #AND THATS ALL OKAY!!!!! #and MOREOVER the ways people express their anger can all be different and that’s ALSO healthy #i keep a rant journal i crumple up the pages for and destroy!!!! #my coworker goes for really long runs!!!! #both are good ways of getting out anger!!!! #gorgug thistlespring #tbt

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?

I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.

Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.

Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.

Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.

Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.

Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.

If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.

So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.

#asks #twdg louis #twdg minerva #twdg clementine #twdg violet #twdg marlon #twdg tenn #honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??' #then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha #also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore #like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it #not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed #for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there #it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like... #that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly #also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but #I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did #like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite #anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good #i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw #like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit #and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification #and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go #he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down #'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m #it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay #this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about #even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks #that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you

[aq2003]

the background piano music ends abruptly on a discordant note when hamlet says his father had died in the past two hours, which is when the idea gets put forward that his own perception of time/events might not be totally reliable

#btw mariah gale's portrayal of ophelia in this scene is CRAZY good i'm so.. hhhhhghgwgm #ik a couple of more modern productions try to portray ophelia w more agency and force behind what she does #which is good! but mariah gale's portrayal is my favorite in terms of what was originally intended for the character #ie how devastated she is at seeing someone she loves spiral further and further downwards #the uncomfortable smiles she has in this scene specifically cuz on one hand. Hamlet why are you saying these things. die #on the other hand she can see that he's in better spirits overall and isn't that better than how he was earlier? (it's not) #how she is driven mad bc everybody in her life either dies or leaves her and nobody can acknowledge that injustice #i get the impression that this ophelia wasn't allowed to show her anger and her frustration towards everyone around her #she was raised to act in a certain specific way to make her father (and her brother) look good. without a regard for her personhood #so it makes sense that if hamlet was so sweet w her pre-his-father's-death and that he changed so drastically in front of her #that it kind of basically brings her down with him too #hamlet

[anxiously-sidequesting]

I know we as a fandom all love to shit on Duncan whenever we get the chance (see: me posting Duncan GruncanWuncan) especially since the like, two times we ever see him he's shitting on us for being ourselves then tries to kill us because of his own delusions of grandeur but I thought about it and I was like, "......man that's kinda Sad actually"

BECAUSE seeing this from Duncan's perspective; he's The Best, he always has been the best, but reality constantly shows him that isn't true (Malorn, The Wizard, anyone else)

Like imagine how painful that can be when you think something that you truly deserved and something that you've fought for, maybe for your entire life, is seemingly handed to others who aren't nearly as deserving as you

And yeah WE know that Duncan has neither worked (very hard, at least) for his perceived greatness NOR does he truly """deserve""" it (Duncan has been shown to be shirking his duties off to us and possibly others for his own gain), but DUNCAN doesn't know this. Like in his mind he truly, honestly, genuinely believes with his whole fragile heart that he is just above everyone else and puts more effort in trying to convince others of that rather than literally just trying to work towards that himself

And then there's the extra added insult that even in his own class he's pretty mediocre. Duncan INSISTS that he was Malistaire's best student and that he praised Duncan maybe once and that all other Death students only wish they could be like him, but... Malorn. And I bet deep down Duncan KNOWS that in fact Malorn was Malistaire's best and most talented. And Duncan can't even really twist that in his mind because it was made solid when Malorn took over Malistaire's duties instead of him. It was proven as a hard fact that Malorn was more suited to the job than Duncan was and is widely recognized as being The Best Death student (if the YW isn't a Necromancer)

Okay so fine. Whatever it's just Death right? At least Duncan can be the best at ANYTHING ELSE, maybe he's not the most talented Necromancer but there's 6 more types of magic to excel in!!!

But then another person ruins that. The Young Wizard poofs in from another world and suddenly, Duncan is overshadowed once more because a literal child prodigy and Local Hero arrives and literally saves their world and then, the universe. Multiple times in fact

Like bro I can imagine that could be at least a little bit painful for anyone, but imagine with Duncan's already low self-esteem and his fragile, large ego, he literally and genuinely took that personally and a hit to your pride is devastating for anyone, no matter who you are. That was like, Strike Three for Duncan and it was so very personal and important to him that it left him in a deep and vulnerable state

But I think the absolute saddest part of Duncan's downfall is that near the end, he was ultimately manipulated by an adult. A grown ass adult noticed and acknowledged his insecurities and purposely struck where it hurts the most, in his weakest state. Duncan already wasn't thinking clearly from the start but when everything went to shit for him and he was clinging, Gretta DarkKettle approached him and completely broke him down to make him into something else entirely for the Schism's benefit.

Of course Duncan was a piece of shit from the start but he truly didn't have any malicious intentions until Gretta messed with his mind. Like, he went from a pretty much harmless bully to an actual criminal of the state and a threat to the literal universe. Duncan was CORRUPTED and all of his worst fears and delusions were solidified the moment Gretta """validated""" those feelings Duncan had.

Is Duncan completely blameless? Fuck no he did some fucked up shit actually and I'm glad he was held accountable for it by the narrative and the fandom!!! But I think it's something to be said that at the end of the day, Duncan was still a child that was suffering from many type of issues before being recruited and manipulated by a powerful literal cult. Wizard101 does have a theme of malicious intending and less than responsible adults using children to get what they want (Malistaire, Morganthe's brother, GF Spider, GM Raven, coughcoughAmbrose) but unlike the Young Wizard who successfully stays true to themselves despite that, Duncan had a more Morganthe-like route and ultimately succumbed to it. Of course their situations are a lot different since the YW wasn't brought in by a cult, but you can't help but feel bad for someone so young being preyed on by older people who are supposed to look out for them and protect them from something just LIKE that.

I will always shit on Duncan because it's funny and hold him accountable for his actions because he should, but I also feel bad for him and I hope he had a better ending after he was defeated

#this isnt like a callout post btw LMAO everyone is free to feel how they feel #this isnt me like shitting on the fandom or anything pls dont feel that way #i just think duncans situation is really interesting and kinda important to look at beneath all the memes and stuff #duncan is a loser in my heart but he's a victim in my soul. poor kid #also think about the fact that he STILL wasnt strong enough even after all that. we still defeated him #he spent most of his young life having all that resentment and anger and hatred in his heart- #-and thought it would all finally be worth it once we were dead but that also fell apart #my fave types of villains are the ones who trult believe they were right/were wronged by the world #duncan literally had delusions of granduer. thats super tough to get over #the feelings and belief of self can be so so important to someone #what you truly believe about YOURSELF is like the core. it can even be more important that religion/family/etc. for some people #it personally makes sense to me that duncan would feel so broken after having that 'taken' away from him #because if you dont have yourself to count on then who???? what else is there #also sad because literally the wizard did nothing to him. we were just minding our own business but duncan still took it personally #it didnt have to be that way at ALL and i hope he gets some therapy and gretta gets locked up forever #anyway. im normal #wizard101 #w101 #wiz101 #duncan grimwater #long post #text post

[bl33ditout]

not sure who needs to hear this but anger is not inherently a "problematic" emotion and it shouldn't always be categorized as a "toxic trait" for narcissism or abusers

#doesn't mean you should be angry ALL the time because that's not good either #like ofc please take the proper steps to help manage any excessive anger issues in a healthy manner but besides that #but if something made you upset for a logical reason then there is nothing wrong about expressing those feelings in a civil manner #that's literally how you work out conflict to get issues sorted out #as long as you're not taking your anger out on people or constantly using it as an excuse for making dick moves on people #yes it can be uncomfortable or frightening to see someone mad - but it's likely something that can be simmered down or managed appropriatel #context: nothing serious except somebody irl said that i'm 'nice except for when you're mad' #so i'm nice except for when i express a human emotion... interesting #it just got me thinking how so often in society people villainize 'anger' as an emotion so much and it just doesn't solve a lot imo #i think it would be more effective if you took that energy into actually talking it out with whoever's mad (if possible) #like most of the time it is merely a misunderstanding or miscommunication #nine times outta ten there is a solution to the issue where a happy medium can be achieved #not me saying this when i'm still getting over my fear of confrontation lol #but yeah hopefully i'm making sense #personal #tw vent

[sydmarch]

anyway this is what i was actually trying to find. fucking thinking about this.

#NEED to know about their young adulthood. acele is described as 'late teens to early twenties' & we have no fucking clue how old evrart #is beyond 'around the same age as harry' which could mean anything when klaasje thinks hes 44 & kim thinks hes 56 #but i imagine they ARE actuslly very close in age bcus it'd just make sense wrt the timing of the revolution & all & yknow the parallels #so like they definitely could have been somewhere in their mid or late 20s when they came into power? & this 'at her age' as just a handful #of years before that? (choosing to just believe this line rather than taking it as him only trying to 'kids will be kids'ing away the drug #lab thing & making something up. so i can totally just like imagine lots of anger. at the state of things. about powerlessness. what do we #DO about it? probably getting into trouble & getting in fights for a long time. like leo says they ALWAYS came to help it wasn't just a one #off thing where they defended him it was just that one incident where the bullying stopped. bcus they beat him until he NEEDED STITCHES #like god i can just imagine their childhood & then the adolescent & young adult frustration & all of that coalescing into ok we WILL do #something to make things better. whatever it takes even. coming to the decision it's worth killing for #'your honor it's fine that my little meow meow had someone assassinated he had a bad childhood you see' #im chewing through concrete im throwing up im pacing my enclosure #anyway. me when i'm normal about the video game men #texticles #de #disco elysium #evrart

[xray-vex]

HOW YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME

#literally. re: email from my ex this morning #every day it takes every ounce of mental and emotional strength i have to get my ass out of bed and face the day #today i begin packing to move the fuck out of here #everything fucking hurts and i hate this so much #i'm not feeling brave about any of this #one of the worst things about a breakup is that it damages you for any potential future relationships #in the sense that “how can i ever trust anyone with my heart and my love ever again?” #as if it's not bad enough losing someone you thought would be in your life forever #but the deeply cutting betrayal of finding out that this person you actually trusted with your literal life had led you on FOR YEARS #ESPECIALLY in the sense that this whole scenario is giving me intense flashbacks to the ending of another relationship #that broke me so bad it almost killed me #and it's easy for them to say “i hope you find someone who makes you happy” when they have someone new in their life #if i believed i had prospects for a new romantic relationship then it would be a little easier for me to collect myself & regroup & move on #but i don't think i have it in me to go thru any of this again #and that gives me even more layers of anger and rage and grief #as if it wasn't enough to betray me and break my fucking heart #but it broke me FOR ANY FUTURE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TOO #i know it's not productive for me to think that way #but right now i am fucking drowning in my fucking pain and fucking grief and fucking rage #i wanted stability and love and trust and someone to come home to every night and someone to come home to me every night #i just wanted to love and be loved #i wanted someone who i could call home #I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED #rage #grief #trauma #edward teach #our flag means death #ofmd

[badolmen]

Not to be extreme but dear God hold onto hope.

Things will be better one day. People will sing and dance in colorful clothes under dazzling lights again. A parent will rock their child to sleep on a quiet night again. A grandparent will teach their grandchild to cook a family recipe again. People will laugh and cry and love and grieve in the most mundane of ways once more. This will happen no matter what you believe, but hoping and believing in such things will ease your heart and kindle your resolve to see it within your lifetime. Have hope, and you will give life to the world you hope to see.

#ra speaks #personal #current events #okay to reblog btw it’s easy to fall into despair with the news of late but do not surrender your hope #hey so like. had a kinda bad breakdown last night. for personal reasons and *gestures* my deep rooted sense of justice as an autistic human #and I saved the first line of this post as a draft while crying at 10 PM #and not much has changed today but. I am secure in my hope for a better world. my belief in justice for those wronged. #maybe not tonight. maybe not tomorrow. but soon - one day - I will see celebrations of life and love and home for a people torn asunder #I can’t do much. I want to do more than sit safe and cry out for those who have lost their voices to the violence #I’m angry. I’m grieving. but most importantly I’m imbued with hope and love. it’s the least I can do. #and most days it will be all I can do. and should the opportunity arise to do more I will take hold of it with both hands until it burns me #the very same way hope now burns in my heart with the complete conviction that there will be justice and reckoning for these crimes #anyways. my blood sugar is low I forgot to eat dinner. have hope and feed it with the anger and grief you cannot act on now. #vocational woes

[soldier-poet-king]

I have too many emotions in too quick a succession with periods of severe emptiness in between I just. I don't have time to PROCESS any of them. It's like I've been incurring an emotional 'debt' for 27 years.

#this is insane ik as the hyperemotional 24/7 guy but also like #all the work stuff. the move stuff. #r&g last night. time change giving me mood swings. PATHFINDER TONIGHT WAS INSANE #soooo good and such fun rp #but also OUCH MY EMOTIONS. i wouldn't trade it for the world but i sure am experiencing SMTHN #given the whole manipulative mentor people pleasing sense of self woth thing #PLUS A COOL GF??? I WANT A COOL GF #and then just this last bit of an astarion fic that made me cry #in terms of just. emptiness. gentleness. how do you move on. how do you build a life #when you didn't expect there to be an after? #how do you free yourself when everything you are was shaped by that person #how do i free myself when everything i am was shaped by my parents #and its just constantly this bitter ache and anger #the upcoming move its like. im in the same city how can i get a clean break #i feel guilty for wanting it but also. fuck i need it #how can i build a life for myself. yknow? #anyway. im uhhh. a lil fragile. a lot stressed abt work stuff. joints been hurting a lot lately too. #i am so hungry. ever hungry. for the unnamed thing. #the duality of fran #anyway. shits wild and that is both good and bad and also neither??? maybe??? #i am trying to find meaning and purpose in it all. or to create it. #i am a skittish stray but i am also kissing you all gently on the forehead. idk. i can be both things at once maybe

[queer-reader-07]

i see a lot of talk about people being exhausted with the good omens fandom because all they see is takes they disagree with/outright make them angry. and while i understand that, i'm kind of the opinion that you curate your own fandom & internet experience and if you're seeing takes you don't like you can block people and not engage. cuz tbh, i think engaging with the shitty takes just makes you more upset than if you were to just leave it alone.

#like yes i agree some people have shitty takes #yes sometimes i see takes that make no sense to me and in my opinion are insulting to the writers #but also. just scroll past #if someone who's pissing you off comes up too frequently in your dash you can block them #for fuck's sake you can block me if you don't like MY takes #i don't care. but the point is that i don't think it's good for any of us to let the annoyance and anger fester #we shouldn't let other peoples varied interpretations ruin the story for us #good omens #good omens fandom

[m-kyunie]

Left waiting, left wanting; why can't you see me

just imagine Sins Fate or Prayer [Banana Fish] playing & the text boxes flickering. Alma's symbolism goes so hard.

I'm on my hands & knees begging you to read the Alma Arc instead.

#dgm #d.gray-man #alma karma #eyestrain #i wanted to try smtg completely different bc its how I see Alma n I wanted to interpret that thru other uh. effects I guess! #n share some of the songs i think suit Alma's scorn n fire #this was inspired by Dress [BUCK-TICK] thats Buns introduced me to god the lyrics n visuals! watch the MV #just the anger that Alma possess is very female but like. queer gendered thirst way idk how to explain myself I hope u guys can understand #like Alma is violence born from female energy but his grace/charm is masculine. does that make any sense at all....... #anger takes many forms right but that brand of anger in the manga is distinctly feminine. 'Hell Hath no fury like a woman scorned' #Mitski & Atushi get it. they understand me. #anyway the songs i cut from vaguely in order from top down left right: #I Hate You [SZA]. Dress [BUCK-TICK]. Less Than Zero [The Weeknd]. #Me & My Husband [Mitski] First Love/Late Spring[Mitski] #actually can i recommend another MV that fits what I'm talking about: No Party For Cao Dong - Wayfarer #im sorry this ended up so long I just. i like to explain my thought process since I lack comic making skills lol

[joyridingmp3]

cancelled all future singing lessons 😌

#sweet motherfucking CHRIST that bitch was annoying #i tried soooooo hard to overlook those things and see the good in her #but when she looked at the clock 18 minutes into our 30 minute session and then KEPT. TALKING!!! i was over it #also. very hard for me to sit there #while someone im PAYING MONEY to teach me a skill #tells me aaaaaaaall about their abusive father who used to physically assault them #meanwhile I'm having flashbacks to my OWN trauma when MY abusive father used to do all that #but i have some decorum and tact and sense of context and time and a place #and I also value my privacy #so i never said anything #but i just had to smile and nod and politely say 'wow. that's must have been SOOOO hard for youuuuu :((' #like oh my GOD #can we just fucking SING?? #can we just do the thing I paid you to do?? #I don't fucking CARE!! #mine #sorry I'm so anxious rn it's translating into anger i guess #but I'm glad that's over and I'll never have to deal with that again #I'll just google it and teach myself to sing #that's what I get for relying on others #every time i seek help from another person. or rely on them for something #they ALWAYS let me down. and I have to figure it out for myself #I don't know why I thought this would be any different #I can do it myself. I always have. and I always will. i don't need anyone #also when she said for a whole MONTH that she'd teach me this technique next session. and didn't. #it was sooooo over

[gxlden-angels]

I have a lot of religious guilt around being angry, especially being angry at someone, and it's so funny talking about it with my therapist because I'll admit something like "I feel like Im in a constant low level state of resentment" or that Im thinking something slightly harsh about a person and my therapist will be sitting in his seat like

#I had a therapy rupture with him a few months ago and apparently Im not all that great at hiding extreme anger he just didn't say anything #cause we were working thru it #and now Im like 'well shit Im like sitting over here telepathically blowing u up with my mind so I guess that makes sense' #Cause Im still stuck in the 'thought life' mindset of my thoughts affecting other people besides me #and I'll get self destructive in a 'well if I self destruct you HAVE to help me then' #type of way that I know is unhealthy but I don't usually act on it. it's more just the impulse/urge #but it all stems from the idea that suffering is holy somehow #and if I suffer enough then I'll get somewhere #basically a speed run to empathy cause I didn't get care otherwise because I just needed to pray more or whatever #and now I'm learning to just let my emotions pass thru #hopefully not like diarrhea but unfortunately constipation can cause diarrhea #so ig I'll figure out my anger soon and how to let it just pass thru #its just so funny watching him get excited about me being openly angry cause that's progress #me: 'biting and biting and biting and biting and biting' #therapist: 'this is good. this is progress great job <3' #ex christian #religious trauma