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emisprocrastinatingbywriting · 15 days

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Alone and Forsaken

Chapter 9 Summary:

For months Joel Miller had become your safe haven. His presence in your life seemed to be guaranteed, especially with the fresh mark on your neck. When reality comes knocking, how will you cope without the person that had saved you in so many ways? Will you let the past trample you or will you be strong enough to overcome it?

Warnings: Past Trauma, Violence Inflicted By & On Reader, Threats, Angst, Reader Needs a Hug, Or Maybe She Just Needs to Kill Paul, Perhaps Both, Near Death Experience, Reader is Low-key a Badass Though, Reader Misses Joel.

A/N:

Hello y'all! Welcome back, I hope you guys have been doing good. This chapter is from the reader's perspective and starts off right where we left her cleaning up in the kitchen after Joel leaves for the river. Major warning for violence in this chapter, we love our feral queen. Also, given the overall shittyness of Paul's group, there are some threats towards her that imply SA but nothing actually happens. If the violence or those types of threats bother you, as always protect your own sanity please!

Chapter 9/20

The words widened the goofy grin on your face as you scrubbed the bowls from breakfast. Joel loved you. The idea of it made your insides warm and gooey.

Chapter 9: Separated Pt.2

“Love you too honey.”

The man that had carried you from the riverbank and tried to pawn you off on a distant brother had changed remarkably. Since the first day, he slowly transformed into the sappy alpha that had opened himself up for you despite the pain it caused him and then slapped your ass before he left for the river. He was somehow simultaneously a complicated and uncomplicated person. His past was enough to bring anyone to their knees but Joel wasn’t just anyone.

Joel was a father of not one, but two girls that had died. You tried to imagine what that loss might feel like but were unable to. It seemed too big, too awful to comprehend. Even worse, for years after he had tormented himself with his perceived failure to protect them. It made you want to cry. A knot grew in your throat as you thought about him breaking down amidst wreckage in the previously locked room.

You knew that talking about it had scared him at first but afterwards, you could’ve sworn a light had returned to his eyes. With the truth of his past revealed, you realized that that was what he had needed all along. He needed their memory to live on but wasn’t strong enough to let the words flow. Maybe that was your job, to break down his walls so that he could finally speak about his grief.

A distant memory arose from the recesses of your mind. You remembered how your father’s mother had died a few months before the outbreak. Bits of your life before the outbreak flashed behind your eyelids as you strained to remember how the family you had mostly forgotten about handled it. You remembered foreign words chanted by your father and his siblings over a grave, mixed with days spent sitting in lowered chairs. You remembered how your father’s unruly frizz had been pushed back with product as he crouched down in front of you and explained that it was okay to be sad, but that she would live on through your memories.

Childish confusion had filled you at his reassurance. Little fingers tossed dirt on to her casket after it was lowered but there was no sadness, just the inability to comprehend what had even happened to begin with. Perhaps you were too young to understand what the situation and its sentiments meant but the memory presented itself clearly now.

If Joel kept talking, if he held the memories close without letting them swallow him, maybe one day they wouldn’t hurt him as badly. Perhaps in time, Joel’s heart would heal. He was your mate, which meant it was your job to soothe the storm that raged within him. The instinctual need to calm his heightened nerves was overwhelming but you took it all in stride. It was comforting to know that Joel needed you as much as you needed him.

This was what you were for, to protect him in a way that he didn’t know that he needed. Joel loved you, despite the parts of him that were steeped in stifling grief. The least you could do was ease his self inflicted torture by allowing him to grieve properly.

Plus, he had to deal with it sooner rather than later as you were under no allusions about what the future held for the both of you. An alpha could only knot his mate so many times before reality came knocking. The last thing either of you needed was Joel having a nervous breakdown when it did. The future didn’t scare you as it once did but you knew that your mate would need more reassurance that the sky wouldn’t fall again.

The sound of the door opening pulled you from your plans and you placed the last of the dishes on the rack. A smile crept up on your face as heavy footfalls clomped towards the kitchen. Biting down on your lip, you tried to keep it cool as Joel neared.

“That was quick baby, did you even get the water?” you teased.

No response came from your mate and you rolled your eyes. You imagined Joel behind you, leaned up against the frame of the door with his arms crossed as his eyes raked over your frame. The trademark scowl would be plastered over his lined face but you knew that the melted pools of chocolate would give him up immediately if you looked. His eyes were your favorite part of his body. Well, one of them at least.

“If you wanted me to come with you, you could’ve asked. Didn’t have to speedrun through your chores for me.”

Again, nothing came from your mate. His scent remained distant, like he was still miles away, but you shrugged it off. Maybe it had rained while you were still locked in your thoughts about your grandmother’s funeral and plans for the future.

You imagined how Joel’s ruggedly handsome face would crack open with a quirk of his lips when you turned. He was so easy to predict but you loved it. The warmth of his gaze was worth every other thing that you had been through in your life and it always would be. Utterly lovestruck at the thought of him, you whirled around excitedly to greet him. Only it wasn’t Joel that leaned against the doorframe.

The scene before you was bastardized and revolting. How dare he stand in the place where your mate was supposed to be. How dare he show his face in the home that the two of you shared.

Fear was what he had expected from you, that much you could see as the surprise at your lack of response forced his mouth wide open for a second before he snapped it shut. There was no fear. All you felt was a frenzied rage coupled with a burning sensation at the back of your throat from the muted scent of maple that radiated off of him. You could’ve barfed as it coated the inside of your nose. You had hoped to never smell it again.

“Paul.”

The alpha cracked a grin that didn’t reach his frosty gaze and you sighed. Looking at Paul, you suddenly felt older than you had in years. It was like a bully from childhood had returned to yank at your pigtails once more. Except now time had passed and his presence sucked all of the energy from your body, leaving you exhausted at the very sight of him.

“Waiting for someone Angel?” Paul teased.

Bitter contempt brought a litany of insults to the tip of your tongue but you swallowed them down. You tried to look around him towards the open door. There was comfort in the knowledge that Joel would come back soon and Paul wouldn’t stand a chance. The older alpha could tear him in half without breaking a sweat.

“He’s not coming but don’t worry, he’s alive, Figured I’d take him as a souvenir for now. Who knows, maybe he’ll be fun for the guys. They like to place bets on who will last the longest,” Paul sneered.

Joel was gone? No, that couldn’t be. He was supposed to come back. You needed him back. Panic flared up inside of you as you spiraled with all of the possibilities. Was Joel hurt? Was he scared? The anxieties piled atop of one another until tears fell from your eyes. You felt lonely. It was unlike the loneliness you had felt when Joel had ignored your advances. That had been manageable due to his proximity.

As the tears dried on your face, you realized that this time you really were completely alone and it was due to the man that maniacally cackled in front of you. Deep rage spread from your chest, lighting every nerve ending on fire and tensing all the muscles in your body. The anger boiled over before you could stop it and an explosion of threats poured from your lips.

“If you hurt him, I will fucking kill all of you. Do you get that? Or are you THAT dense? If you even think about hurting him, you’re going to die. He is MINE, do you understand that? MINE!,” you growled.

Possessiveness was not something you had ever been known for until Joel Miller waltzed into your life. Or rather, until you waltzed into his. It shocked Paul. He had expected a version of you that no longer existed. A little girl who was made to pray and obey a wicked stepfather. A dutiful wife who was forced down the aisle by circumstance. A contemptuous omega who needed to be broken by a lengthy stay in the pit.

The fact Paul didn’t know you anymore was a victory. He knew the innocent kid that he had preyed upon and the broken shell of an omega that he had tried to control. You weren’t either of those people anymore. Not since the infected had torn you from your friends and you had stumbled through the forest for days. Not since Joel Miller had provided a safe space for you to rebuild yourself into a stronger, more self confident version of you. Paul didn’t know who you were and never would again. You relished in that.

The gruesome beast that had haunted your dreams had been shrunk down before your eyes. All that remained was a weak man who stood in the way of the one person who you had claimed as your own.

“Look who's all grown up now. Did the old man teach you some things? Sure smells like he did,” Paul said as he sniffed at the air.

You tried not to gag as he stepped closer, trying to get a whiff of your scent mixed with Joel’s. It felt perverted for Paul to ever have a part of your mate and you glared at him.

His teeth were clenched as he spat out, “Shame that the bastard was stupid enough to take the one thing that was MINE.”

The fact that Paul thought you were his property only disgusted you more but you remained stoic in the face of his taunts.

“And what was that?,” you goaded, already knowing the answer.

You knew this game. Paul was trying to rile you up and throw you off so that he could strike but you saw through it. All you needed was for him to take the bait and he did. As he moved closer to your place at the sink, one of your hands slowly inched towards the knife that poked out from the drying rack and grasped the handle. He didn’t even notice, too busy staring at your curves as he approached.

Fucking idiot, you thought.

When Paul’s head lurched back in a dramatic cackle, you slipped the knife into the sleeve of Joel’s flannel. You refused to be afraid any longer, despite the fact that he had been one of the villains in your life for years. But that was the thing about monsters; only little kids feared them. You had grown, making the display in front of you nothing but more than fuel to add to the fire. The blade dug into your palm. All you needed was an opening.

“You.”

And that was it. At the base of all of Paul’s desperation was this sick fantasy that he had harbored for years about owning you. He wanted to tie you down, to keep you shackled to him for the rest of your life. There was no love involved in his need for domination. It wasn’t a bond that Paul craved from you anymore, not with Joel’s teeth indented on your neck. In fact, it had never been about claiming you as his mate.

This was about control.

An explosion of emotions pushed you from the sink and towards the alpha. Grief, desperation, sadness, and above all else, anger, quickened your heartbeat. You were tired of it, of everyone trying to tell you how to live and forcing you into some predestined mold.

The only person who seemed to understand who you really were anymore was Joel. He truly was your perfect match and he was somewhere in need because of Paul. An unfamiliar feeling leached into your body as you stepped forward. The mark on your neck tingled with feral greed and Paul blinked at the atmospheric shift. He’s mine, mine, mine, echoed from somewhere in your mind.

The knife was wedged into Paul’s thigh before your brain even registered the action. As the blade tore through the soft layer of fat and thick corded muscle, a howl bounced off of the walls. The sound of it was delightful. You smiled at him and yanked the knife back before slamming it in deeper. A high pitched whine escaped Paul’s lips and you giggled at him. Rage flashed in his eyes at your amusement and his fist reared back, coming down hard against your cheekbone.

The force of the punch knocked you to the floor. Pain blossomed from your quickly reddening face but you ignored it, pushing yourself up from the tiles and stumbling towards the door. Paul groaned as he launched forward and wrapped his fingers around your wrist, squeezing it until you heard a pop. The delicate bones crunched under his grip but you barely felt it. Adrenaline pumped through your veins and blurred the pain that coursed through you.

With your survival instincts kicked into high gear, you spied the perfect exit strategy in an instant hanging on the wall. Quickly, you reached out and snatched the pot from its place. Before he could react, you bashed the metal against Paul’s face. Another cry of agony fell from the alpha as he stumbled back, hands pressed over the gash in his forehead.

The sight of Paul in pain made the wrath inside of you grow and you laughed at the unfamiliar feeling. The exit was free with the alpha being dizzied from the blow but it meant nothing anymore. This was one of the men that had torn apart your life. Sure, the outbreak had morphed it into something entirely different than what you had hoped for but Paul was the one who went out of his way to make it worse.

Paul was the one who had stalked you for years. He was the one who kept the group living in fear of Josiah and his council with his brutality. He was the one who allowed Jake’s boyfriend to be killed and supported the subsequent forced marriage. He was the one who married and destroyed two perfectly fine omegas of his own. He was the one that tried to destroy you as well. And above all else, Paul was the one that had taken your mate in order to harm him.

Laughter rattled in your chest and you allowed the breathless rage take over. The darkness started and ended with Paul, you understood that as the venom seeped into your soul.

You slammed the pot against his skull again and it felt so good that you kept going. After the third blow Paul swayed on his feet and collapsed. Blood splattered against the ground from his broken face but you kept going. Sweat and tears poured down your face as you moved down his body, beating his abdomen until his breathing turned to muffled wheezes. Paul’s eyes were blinking heavily when you finally threw the pot aside. He was close to passing out.

A monster had been unleashed within you. This burst of rage was like nothing you had ever felt. The only thing that held any meaning anymore were the thoughts of Joel that bounced around your head. His booming laugh, the scruff of his patchy beard against your hands and thighs, his big hands rubbing soothing circles into your hips as you clung to him after a bad dream, the way he looked so hopeful everytime he placed a meal in front of you; like he wanted nothing more than to make you happy. This ghost from your past threatened all of that.

Bare hands collided with Paul’s bloodied face. The act of beating someone was so foreign to you that you didn’t recognize the fists as your own as they rained down on him. It felt like you were floating above the kitchen, watching yourself tear into Paul with no ability to stop it. You heard the screamed insults as you scratched at his face and slammed his head against the floor but the person they came from was a stranger.

Unfamiliar hands shot forward to tear you from his broken body but you fought against them. Teeth sunk into flesh and whoever had attempted to pluck you away groaned at the sting. It was only when three people ripped you off that you realized that you had fucked up. Anger had gotten the better of you and now you were alone, fighting against three alphas as an unfamiliar man heaved Paul from the floor.

“Cut it out you crazy bitch, or I’ll give you something to scream about. Maybe a real knot would temper you,” one of the alphas barked in your ear.

You stilled immediately in a show of obedience. If they were anything like Paul, these men didn’t care that Joel had claimed you and that was extremely dangerous. It was crucial that you remained calm if you were going to escape unscathed. Their hands pushed you down and you whined as your knees hit the tiles hard. Peals of laughter came from the men. Your pain amused them.

Paul was dragged out of the room and you tried not to smile at the ragged state of him. With your face schooled, you directed your eyes to the floor and tried to think of a viable escape plan. It was then that you heard another alpha swear in disbelief from the doorway as Paul’s beaten body passed him. The familiarity of the voice tickled something buried in your mind and you snapped your eyes towards the entrance. The smell of citrus and cloves slapped you in the face as you met his gaze. There was no mistaking him.

Cooper stood in the doorway for a moment, green eyes analyzing the state of you before he stepped forward. He looked more grim than you had ever seen him. He resembled a puppy that had been kicked for too long and came to expect the abuse. Any lightness in his gaze was gone, his eyes framed with the dark shadows that advertised his exhaustion.

Cooper had never really been on your radar much when you lived amongst your group. He was always found somewhere on the sidelines during any of Josiah’s meetings and kept to himself for the most part. Paul had forced him into being one of the rangers that scrounged for supplies but he never seemed capable of returning unscathed.

It was only after he had been shot in the side that Josiah overruled his brother and took him off rounds for good. You remembered how Paul had ensured that everyone knew how weak Cooper was, making him a social pariah by spreading tales of his cowardice. He had been entirely uninterested in his brother’s recovery while he laid in bed fighting an infection for weeks, refusing to let anyone visit him unless they were healers. Hell, even Jake seemed to care about Cooper’s recovery more than Paul for some odd reason.

You remembered how Cooper used to hang out in the basement of the chapel amongst the dusty books and discarded boxes. One time you had found him leaned up against one of the desks when you were looking to find new reading material. You had jumped nearly three feet in the air but somehow Cooper was still the one that looked more terrified.

Shame had filled you and you apologized, fleeing the basement before he could respond. You felt awful about your find. It seemed to be some sort of safe haven for him. After the interaction, you started to avoid it at all costs. Everyone needed a hideaway within that group and you refused to be the one to ruin someone else’s.

The only time you remembered Cooper doing anything out of character was when you had stumbled upon him gardening along the edges of camp. You were sneaking back in after escaping for a few hours of peace in the cool waters nearby. Again, he looked guiltier than you did as he stood from the lupines and goldenrods. With the strict rules regarding how alphas and omegas should act and which jobs were appropriate, you weren’t surprised at his fear. Paul would’ve had a field day if he knew his brother was doing an “omega’s job.”

Neither of you had said a word to anyone and life went on as usual. The interaction was so miniscule that it had been lost to time until he walked into the kitchen. A loner through and through, Cooper had been an easily forgettable side character in your life. Even now, you only thought of him because of his connection with Jake. That’s all he had ever been to you, the alpha that your best friend had mated with under duress.

“The guys out back are having a tough time getting the big guy in the truck, you better go help them,” he instructed the group around you.

None of them were swayed and one of them grabbed a fistful of hair, wrenching your body upwards in defiance of Cooper’s demands. You groaned at the sting in your scalp.

“What makes us think that we’d listen to you boy?,” one of them spat.

Defiance sparked behind Cooper’s dulled eyes for a moment and he glared back at the men.

“Do you think Paul is going to like it if her mate gets loose? Go fucking help them out so we can get out of here for Christ’s sake,” Cooper seethed.

The second drop to the ground was shorter but still stung nonetheless. Two of the burly men strode past the smaller alpha, muttering to themselves as they glared at him on the way out, but one stayed behind.

“What about her?” the last one asked.

Cooper scoffed, “I think I can handle it. Go. Now. Before my brother wakes up and decides to hang you.”

The threat of his brother worked and the man hustled out of the room, leaving you behind with an alpha that had remained a stranger for your entire life. He had only lived three houses away from you, just on the other side of Miriam and Rachel’s house. Still, no matter how far you dug you couldn’t scrounge up any other memories of him. Had Cooper ever talked to you directly? Had you ever talked to him? You couldn’t remember.

“Why the fuck did you stop moving?”

The words were thrown at you like an accusation and you sat back confused.

“Why did I - What?,” you sputtered.

Nervous energy rolled off of Cooper as he threw his hands up in the air. His fingers pulled at his hair while he turned to begin pacing in front of you. He muttered to himself under his breath, arguing with some unknown foe in his mind. After tearing out a handful of hair, the alpha stopped in his tracks and turned towards you. Frustration pinched his face and his hands were bunched into fists at his sides.

“We thought you were dead. If that raider had come back, Paul probably would have left it but no. No, you had to fucking set up shop here and now look at this fucking mess. You could have taken your mate and gone anywhere but you just had to settle,” he hissed.

Cooper’s fists rubbed harshly at his tired eyes and you weren’t sure what to say. You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out. Was Cooper… mad? At you? For what, you couldn’t even begin to imagine. The fact that he was even angry was shocking in itself, you had never seen him anything other than solemnly agreeable.

“Do you know what he did to us? To Jake and me? All because of some stupid fucking fantasy about you. My - OUR daughter is nowhere to be seen and that’s because of you. Because he needs to keep us in line so that he can get what he wants, like always.”

“D-daughter? Jake has a daughter? Wha - Wait, is he alive?!” you asked as excitement sped up your heart rate.

Cooper deflated a little at your reaction and pinched the bridge of his nose. It made him look older than even Joel despite the fact that he couldn’t be more than thirty. He cussed under his breath before he looked back up at you.

“Jake is alive. He’s safe, for now. I’m going to figure out a way to get Allie back and then I’m going to get us out,” he stated calmly.

You watched as he moved towards the discarded pot in curiosity. His nearness should have scared you, being the lone omega amongst a brutal group, but you felt at ease. For some reason, you knew Cooper wouldn’t hurt you. Whether it be his connection to Jake or his mild naturedness, no alarm bells rang in your head as he examined the bloodied pot near your feet. He sighed and shook his head, breathing out an almost inaudible fuck me. When his eyes met yours again, they were determined.

“Cross over the river, that should dull your scent, and then go east. If they catch you again, I won’t be able to do anything. I have people who need me. This is a courtesy because of how much you mean to Jake. I can’t - shit, I won’t risk them for you again. Do you understand?”

He looked up at you for confirmation. You nodded slowly, unfamiliar with this side of him. Determined was not a word that you would have used to describe Cooper before but now, it was written all over his face.

“Good,” he sighed as he handed you the pot.

The bottom of it was covered in Paul’s blood. You stared at it for a moment, the world falling away as you watched it drip onto the floor. Untethered from the reality you found yourself in, there were no words to describe how you felt. The situation was like a strange dream and you didn’t know how to pull yourself out of it. All you knew for sure was that Joel was not at your side and that was a problem.

“And if I go west?” you asked.

Cooper’s gaze hardened and he answered with a simple, “Don’t.”

The nod you gave was mechanical, born out of the necessity to appease the alpha who wanted to help. Cooper didn’t need to know the truth. He didn’t need to know that the cord that was wrapped around your soul pulled you towards home. You couldn’t ignore it, no matter what. Joel’s presence somewhere on this earth was like a beacon of light and you knew you were bound to chase after it until your heart stopped beating.

“Good. Now, I need you to hit me with that as hard as you can then get out of here. Do not let yourself get caught by one of those guys. It isn’t - fuck - they aren’t like the group we had before. They are so much worse and they won’t be uh, proper towards you. Got it?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it,” you grumbled.

Of course you understood. Alphas like these were like the boogeyman. Omegas all over had been told tales of their cruelty from childhood since long before the outbreak even started. They were the beings that lurked in the shadows, quickening the paces of omegas as they wandered anywhere alone after dark. They roamed in packs filled with like minded others and tore apart anyone they found. It came as no surprise that Paul had fallen in with them but you pitied Cooper for having to be involved.

“Cooper I don’t know how to… Thank you.”

Cooper shook his head. Self loathing was written all over his face as his eyes turned glossy and he clamped them shut. Steeling himself for what was to come, he clenched every muscle in his body tight and released the tension with a sigh. When his eyes snapped open he nodded once, giving you the go ahead to strike.

The loud bang of the pot slamming against the side of Cooper’s face was way less fulfilling than it had been with Paul. The alpha fell to the ground with a groan and all you felt was bitter guilt. He didn’t deserve it.

“Go,” Cooper hissed from his place on the floor as he held his head in his hands.

That was all you needed to hear. In an instant, you scurried over to the front of the cabin and shoved the first pair of shoes you found over your feet. A thick jacket was thrown over your frame haphazardly before you started pilfering through the back of the entryway closet for anything of use. There was no way of knowing how long before one of them waltzed in but you needed to be smart.

The first thing you found was the silver pocket knife that Joel kept hidden under a stack of long johns on the second shelf. You slid it into your pocket. The next target was the rifle Joel hid somewhere in the cabin. You had watched him march into the trees with it slung over his shoulder but never thought to ask where he put it afterwards. It made you feel like an idiot. His presence always seemed so guaranteed. The assumption had been a silly fantasy, something that soothed you into forgetting that a cruel world outside of Joel’s oasis existed.

Reaching up on your tiptoes to feel around the top shelf, your fingers passed over nothing but shells until you felt it. The cold metal bit at your hand as you carefully pulled out the handgun. The heavy weight of it in your palm was sobering. You were going to do this, you were going to free Joel no matter the consequence. There was no fear at the moment of clarity. All that remained was a sense of duty that had been engraved on the inside of your chest from the moment the bond was sealed.

Grabbing a half empty box of bullets and slipping the gun into your pants, you scampered back towards the front door. The string that connected you to Joel was drawn tighter than it had ever been. You knew they were taking him somewhere further away. Whether he was trying to or not, Joel’s side of connection screamed out into the space between you. The feeling of your mate calling out pricked at the senses, forcing you into action.

The latch was ripped open without another thought and you stepped out onto the porch. The air was frigid as the wind whistled through the trees. All you heard was the roaring gusts that shook the branches and kicked up bunches of snow. Several sets of footprints left idents in the snow and trailed off towards the river. Looking ahead, the path Joel used to check the rabbit traps seemed clear. With not a single footfall gracing the pristine snow, you started towards it.

The snow was heavy and stuck to the bottoms of your untucked pant legs as you ran into the trees. Heart pounding in your chest, you dodged branches and clambered over the dips in the uneven ground. Your lungs burned from the exertion but you ignored it and kept racing towards the water. It was only when you heard someone let out a shout in the distance that you stalled.

Crouching as close to the ground as you could get, you pushed your back into the trunk of a tree and thumbed the handle of the knife. All that surrounded you was trees and huge swells of white. Your breaths puffed out from between your gritted teeth as you strained to hear anything. From the left, you heard two of the alphas clumsily trying to wade through the wintry mess to make it back to the cabin.

Should you fight?

Should you make a run for it?

Would they smell you if they got too close?

The hesitation cost you time and soon their heavy pants were right on the other side of the tree. The first one swore under their breath as they stumbled over snow. After a second, the first kept up their clumsy jog while the other stopped completely. The alpha breathed heavily, painful breaths sucked in between coughing fits as he tried to gather himself. You waited for him to follow but he didn’t.

“What are you doing man? We gotta go check it out, come on,” the quicker one snapped.

Practically wheezing, the other man coughed out a tight, “Go see. I’ll wait here.”

The other one sighed loudly and then stumbled off towards the cabin, where Cooper was undoubtedly recounting some bogus tale about the crazy omega that attacked him. You imagined their reactions and secretly hoped that they would be angered at the thought of an omega assaulting not one, but two alphas in one day.

With the other alpha gone, the air was filled with labored breathing. Meanwhile, you sat with a hand clamped over your mouth to stay quiet. Simply being quiet wouldn’t work for long, you knew he would smell you soon enough. Waves of your scent rolled off of you, spreading out in search of the one that knew how to soothe you.

But Joel was gone and this man stood in the way of him being found.

The ground was cold against your fingers as you got up and turned to face your prey. The man didn’t notice you as he was still bent over with his hands on his knees. His face was a deep shade of purple with rivulets of sweat rolling down his forehead. He looked old and not in the way Joel was. This man looked as if he had spent his entire life chugging back drinks and growing out the beer belly that bulged from beneath his coat. A rifle hung from his left shoulder and you watched as he clumsily dropped it to the ground with a grunt. This alpha was big and fearsome, as most alphas usually were, but he was slow.

You could work with that.

Carefully, you stepped towards him and pulled the knife out. Flicking it open, you stalked closer and closer until you smelled the stale cigarettes that clung to his skin. The closer you got, the larger he seemed but he remained blissfully unaware until you stood before him. He froze as the muted scent of a mated omega tickled his nostrils. You watched his jaw lock shut and the muscles in his back tighten as he readied himself to attack. What an idiot, you thought.

The man lifted his head, only to be met with a wicked smile as you pierced his arm with the blade. He roared so loudly that nearby birds took to the skies. A meaty hand reared back to snatch your hair but you yanked the knife out of the wound, forcing a spurt of hot blood to splatter across your face. The coppery liquid landed on your tongue and you gagged at the taste. You slammed the knife back in, this time aiming for his chest and burying it as deeply as it would go.

A small line formed between his bushy eyebrows at the second blow and his hands came up to tug uselessly at the handle. You laughed at his weak attempts to rip the blade from his chest. If he did get it out, the action would only hasten his inevitable end. The man was damned either way. The alpha interrupted your laughter as he spoke up in between pants.

“Didn’t even see it coming,” the man choked out with red bubbles coming from the corners of his lips.

He coughed and swallowed the blood that flooded his mouth before he continued, “Talking all sweet to his mate like a fucking pussy. Like any of your kind deserves that shit, fucking sluts. He thought it was you coming for him. Just looked up at me and boom, out like a light.”

Joel.

It all made sense. They had knocked him out in order to jump him. Of course, that made so much sense. There was no way they could’ve taken him alive if he was awake. Joel wouldn’t have surrendered to anyone, not when you waited for him at home. The alpha had taken him completely off guard and now mocked him for it? You wanted to scream.

“You have no idea what you assholes just started,” you snapped.

The blade was covered in red when you ripped it from his chest cavity. The wound made a wet sucking noise against the metal and he hissed at the pain. You stopped, watching the blood as it dripped down the handle and covered your hand. Another hacking cough from the man sprayed steaming blood on your jacket, onto Joel’s jacket. The man tainting your mate’s clothing was the last straw.

Three more slashes ripped jagged lines into the man’s face before you finally buried the knife in his heart. A silent scream forced his mouth open and you shoved him back against the snow in disgust. A circle of blood spread out from beneath him as his body twitched and you watched it grow. By the time you looked back at his face, he was dead.

You had never killed someone before. The only victims you had on your roaster was a collection of infected and a couple of slow moving rabbits. Those didn’t count. An actual human being was dead at your feet with your knife stuck in his chest. It wasn’t that you were freaked out at the fact that you had killed him. What freaked you out was how good it made you feel.

The feeling was a twisted and greedy thing, shrieking at you from the depths of your soul to turn back to the cabin to rain hellfire down on everyone. An inner battle was waged within you as you gazed upon the corpse. One part of you wanted to rip out the throats of all of the alphas that swarmed your home, while the other part just wanted Joel back.

The sound of crunching footsteps settled the debate and you quickly ripped the knife out before you sprinted towards the river. The wind stung your ears as you ran and pinched at your cheeks. You heard it when one of the alphas reached the discarded corpse but you were so close. He shouted for the others and you hastened your pace, bursting out onto the beach in a frenzied state.

Chunks of ice slammed against the riverbank and sped across the surface. The water itself was quick moving, with white caps and fizzy swirls that tore up every bit of earth they happened upon. Massive rocks poked out from beneath the swells but you couldn’t see how many were hidden.

You knew how to swim. Miriam had taught you once in the summer heat. Ever since that summer, you had grown in ability and frequently escaped with other teens to enjoy it without adult supervision. However, the water you had skinny dipped in once didn’t have a current. These rapids were an entirely different beast. Nevertheless, as heavy footsteps drew near, you found yourself plugging your nose before you jumped in feet first.

The pain was instant. You remembered your mother snapping at you once for getting too near to a frozen pond after the first safe place had fallen. At the time, being no more than six years old, her harsh words had registered as mean. But as the frigid waters sparked every nerve ending in your body and set them on fire, you realized her harshness stemmed from educated fear.

The shock of the cold held you down beneath the waves and you felt your body quickly torn away from the shore. You flipped and somersaulted weightlessly in the rushing waters, every attempt at paddling to the surface useless against the current. More pain erupted from your side as the river slammed you against one of the rocks and a groan was muffled by the water. Desperate to breathe, you sucked in a mouthful of the frigid water but it stung your chest. Panic bloomed from within at the realization that you were drowning.

Your lungs screamed for oxygen but you were stuck, shoved against the solid stone and weighed down by the rapids. Opening your eyes didn’t help, as all you could see from the bottom of the river was black. Was this it? Was this how you would die? You were infuriated at the thought. How could this be the thing that killed you? After everything you had been through, drowning seemed absolutely ridiculous. No, this couldn’t be it. Not with Joel somewhere alone and in pain. Not when you finally had a home. You wouldn’t allow it.

Bubbles were released from your lips as you cried and struggled against the stone. You paused, watching as they floated towards your right side and then it clicked. The strong current had flipped you around and battered you against the rock but all you needed to do was right yourself to push upwards. A chunk of ice thumped against your chest but you ignored the sting as you wriggled around. Placing your feet on the ground, you pushed off with all of your strength. With one final kick against the top of the stone, the crown of your head breached the surface.

You sputtered and fought against the current as it whipped you further downstream. The surroundings were unfamiliar, far away from the spot that you had collected water from for weeks. It was a battle but you used all of your strength to stay afloat, kicking weakly as you tried to find a way to slow down. There was nothing to grab on to and as hard as you paddled, you couldn’t reach the side. You couldn’t help but sink when a huge wave came, slamming you back underwater and cutting off your air supply.

Weakened from the cold, you were losing strength and felt yourself be pulled further away. Hands grappling with the rocks on the bottom to slow down, a scream was silenced by the waters as the jagged edges ripped a nail off of your fingertip. Cold water filled your mouth and you choked on it as your body dragged along the riverbed. Another swell flipped you over, your back colliding with another stone. You splayed out against it, helpless to the current until a chunk of ice knocked you loose.

Death seemed certain. The edges of your mind folded in on themselves and you struggled to hold the memory of Joel’s face in your mind. If you died, you wanted him to be the last person you thought of. Grief pulled at your heart strings and you focused all of your energy on trying to project your thoughts to him. You wished for a miracle. You wished that Joel would hear how sorry you were. For letting him go alone. For the crossfire he was caught in. For not being strong enough to survive.

Just as you accepted your imminent death, you felt yourself fly off of an edge. A gasp of crisp air was all you managed to gulp down before your belly was slapping against the surface of the water again. You braced yourself to be thrown around again but nothing happened.

The current had slowed and you quickly kicked your way to freedom. The moment your head popped up from the depths, you were panting and coughing up bits of the river. Your lungs ached and you retched, a torrent of swallowed water pouring from your mouth as you paddled to shore.

The edges of your vision were blurred as you strained to pull yourself onto the side. All of the muscles in your back protested the movement but you managed to make it by crawling. Sitting back on your knees, you retched a couple more times until the remaining ramen from breakfast laid half digested against the icey shore. With your stomach emptied, you huffed a few more steadying breaths and looked at your surroundings.

The fast running waters dropped off into a wide pool. It was deep enough to dive into and held itself up on a ledge above more rapids below. The excess from the swimming hole poured over its side, pummeling the rocks below before it shot out and resumed the aggressive current. You spied a metal bench someone had left behind on the other side of the river. It was tucked nicely under the branches of the surrounding trees and you realized Joel had mentioned this place before.

Amidst the desperation of the first night of your heat, there had also been bits of downtime. Joel’s body had been slumped over yours when he spoke of it. The feeling of his weight coupled with your fingers shoved in his curls was perfect as you basked in the aftershocks of his brutal thrusts. Deep in the throes of feverish desire, the temperature of the room reached tropical levels. Sweat collected in every crevice of your intertwined bodies but Joel didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s hot,” you whined.

He groaned and you felt it when his cock throbbed at your needy tone. His knot had gone down enough for him to slip out but every time he tried, you locked your ankles around his back in protest. You knew Joel didn’t mind despite his grumbles. Plus, he couldn’t hide the smile when he snuggled his face back in between your breasts and you resumed playing with his hair.

“Want me to move darling?,” Joel mumbled, his voice muffled into your skin.

You giggled at the feeling of his facial hair brushing against your breasts and hugged him closer.

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

Fuck, it was only a few hours since he had left but it felt like days.

You remembered how hard Joel had laughed at that. He had kissed the tops of your breasts before he looked up at you.

“Can’t wait for summer. M’gonna bring you down to the swimming hole, leave your clothes on the bench and take ya right there in the water. Out in the open for anyone to see,” Joel growled.

His words flooded your core with pure desire and turned your tongue into lead.

“Mmmm… Like swimming. S’nice,” you replied dreamily.

Joel had chuckled and you hummed at the way his deep timber buzzed against your ribs. You remembered how lips brushed over your bare neck, laying soft kisses over the spot that he would claim for himself weeks later.

“Well then it’s a plan darling,” you remembered him whispering as he began to thrust into you once more.

The memory forced tears to your eyes as you sat depleted against the shore. Amongst the frozen wasteland, your demeanor cracked against the weight of your isolation. The swimming hole sat right there but it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Tears dripped from your eyes and warmed your cheeks before they froze, becoming frosty reminders of your sorrow. You weren’t supposed to be here alone. This was a place that Joel wanted to show you. The first time seeing it was supposed to be fun. The fantasy of easy summer days spent swimming and fucking was ruined, leaving you absolutely heartbroken as you stared at the bench.

You wanted to wallow, to curl yourself into a ball and cry until the tears were depleted but the string that held the two of you together would not allow it. It thrummed with energy, pulling you from the grief as you felt him slipping further away. It was a constant reminder that your alpha was alive and that grieving his absence was wasted energy that could be used to find him.

With a renewed sense of purpose, you braced your cold hands against the snow and slowly pushed yourself from the ground. The bones in your wrist popped from the weight and you hissed, shaking it out as you looked eastwards. The river water had started to freeze your clothes, stiffening the fabric as you weighed the options.

Cooper had told you not to go west. That was where the danger lay. That was where nightmares came to life and threatened to swallow you whole. That was where your so-called ex husband resided. Could you even call Paul an ex if you never had a choice in the matter? You decided that it didn’t matter. None of it mattered and you ignored Cooper’s advice, turning westward in pursuit of your mate.

“Most of them went back already. Paul got his ass handed to him so they fell back. They took the alpha with them. Swear to God, the big guy looked like he was in better shape than Paul,” the red haired one laughed.

The ginger spat a mouthful of gasoline onto the ground before he shoved the end of it into the bucket. The other one whistled and shook her head, chuckling quietly before she murmured, “Paul’s gonna be pissed that her mate got the jump on him.”

“That’s the thing!,” he boomed in excitement, “It wasn’t even the mate. I swear to God, it was the chick. I’m telling you, she’s a fucking psycho! Beat the shit out of Paul and knocked out his pussy ass brother. Then she slashed up Kennedy and booked it. It was absolutely insane.”

“No fucking way an omega did all of that.”

They bickered back and forth as you listened from behind an empty oil barrel. You tried not to let them get to you, clenching your teeth as you stayed hidden nearby. It had been nearly half a day since you left the cabin and you were close to freezing to death. With the sunlight growing dimmer, you knew that you needed to find shelter or at least a new set of clothes soon.

The cold had been unbearable after only a few hours of stumbling through the woods but the one upside to your travels was finding the plethora of cabins that laid just on the other side of the river. The first cluster had surprised you. It seemed that Joel wasn’t as isolated as he thought. Surely if these existed, other people knew about the cabins buried amongst the greenery.

If either of you had crossed over to the other side of the river just once, you would have found that the reclusive hunter had been fairly surrounded by others on his western side. You had encountered a few other variations of hunting cabins along the way, all of them boarded up. Luckily for you, they had been abandoned but you lacked the strength to pry them open. Each time the door refused to budge you were forced to move on in hopes of finding another safe haven.

After hours, you finally found a contender. Made of brick and a tin roof, the one story cottage was truly a sight for your sore eyes. The latch was padlocked but the door itself bumped against its frame with the wind. All that was needed was one harsh pull and the latch would be torn clean off the side of the cottage. Excitement overtook you and you darted from the treeline, yanking on the front door as hard as you could. It creaked with the weight but remained closed and you tried again.

After your fourth attempt at ripping it open, the screws that kept the latch stuck on the doorframe had almost released themselves but then you heard it. You tilted your head at the sound of a rumbling engine. It took you completely off guard. You hadn’t heard the sound of a vehicle in months. After breaking from your confusion, you quickly vaulted over the rails of the porch and took off running for cover as a weather-beaten truck drove up the overgrown path.

The truck was so large that both of the alphas had to jump down from their seats. You watched as the red haired alpha searched around the area, kicking at the large pile of snow next to the cottage until he foot banged against metal. He had reached down and grabbed the edges of a tarp, revealing an ancient jeep that looked as though it had been untouched for years.

Meanwhile, the other had ripped the door open with ease and searched the space for any sign of you. With the harshness of the wind, you hoped that your scent had been swept away so that you could remain undetected to the pair. When she came up empty, she returned to her friend crouched by the jeep.

As the two of them bickered about whether you had actually bested Paul, you looked towards their truck. The heat of a working vehicle was extremely tempting in your state. It only took a moment of imagining the warm air inside the cab before you decided.

Shaky hands grasped the gun in your pants and fiddled with the chamber, emptying out the bullets to shake out any remaining water. You reloaded it and breathed in, waiting patiently for the right moment. Without the knowledge to do so yourself, you allowed them to take the precious petroleum from the rusted jeep to aid you in the journey.

“Alright, better get going. We’re losing daylight,” the man sighed as he lifted himself from the ground.

The woman turned to look at the ginger while he fiddled with the hose. A response was poised on the tip of her tongue but three shots cut her off. The first was clumsy and ricocheted off of brick into a nearby tree. You were rusty from the little experience you did have but the second shot managed to be a bit closer to its target. The woman shrieked as the bullet lodged itself in her knee and she fell to the ground. The final shot was the most on point as it hit the man square in the crotch. With both alphas on the ground, you sprinted forward.

The man was a lost cause. He didn’t even reach for his gun. Instead he laid on the ground and cupped his ruined genitals as he screamed in agony. You felt nothing at the display except for slight anxiety about the fact that any of his comrades or infected nearby would have heard his dramatics. There was no pity for the alpha. Given the type of man Paul was and the vile threats that had been thrown at you in the kitchen, you figured that this man probably deserved the bullet.

The woman was still alert and reached back to pull at the sling over her shoulder for a gun. Before she could get the long gun from her back, you rushed forward and knocked her flat against the snow. A gust of breath left her lungs as she hit the ice and you wriggled until you were sitting on her chest. Pressing your thumbs into her eye sockets, she screamed again and ripped your hands away before she flipped the two of you over.

The fist connected with your nose and crunched the bone. Tears formed on your lash line at the bright burst of pain. You moved to retaliate but your opponent wasn’t finished. Blood trickled from the bridge as her fist came down again and slammed against your jaw. Again and again, the alpha launched her fists into your face until you felt disconnected from the pain. Buried under the ruthlessness of her attack, you felt as if you were drowning all over again.

Swallowing your pride, you grasped at her belt. You knew that the enticing action would work and it did. Alphas like these only desired one thing, a wet cunt to break on their knot. It didn’t matter where or who it came from. The second the idea of taking you crossed her mind, you had won. A wide grin showcased all of her crooked teeth as you played with the leather and nuzzled the hand that was covered in your own blood. Your brain screamed at you to stop and the mark on your neck ached as you weakly grinned at the woman.

“Aw, if that’s all you wanted, you could've asked. All of us would’ve spread you out real nice, bet that would help with that little attitude problem of yours, hm? You’d like that huh?”

The smell of her arousal would’ve made you retch if you hadn’t already puked your guts out alongside the river just hours before. The scent was all wrong, it was too sweet to be your mate’s and your body knew it. You fought against the biological urge to recoil as your fingers smoothed over the leather in search of something to aid in your escape.

“Maybe I should take you for a little test drive before we get back. You think Paul would mind? I mean, you’re already damaged goods,” she laughed.

A high pitched giggle came from you. It didn’t sound like your normal laugh but somehow she bought it. Your fingers moved towards the front of her pants and you found it. The solid weight of it slipped over your fingertips and you smiled. Looking up at the woman, you batted your eyelashes coyly.

“Mmmm… You know what I would like more than that?” you cooed.

She grinned wider and asked, “What’s that?”

“All of your guts spread out against the god damn ground, you sick fuck.”

The knife sliced into her belly and she gasped. Looking down in shock, the alpha watched as the blade was torn through her lower abdomen in a jagged line. Bloodied tissue was released from its place in her body and it spilled out onto your own. A soft ah fell from her mouth and she collapsed beside you, panting as her life poured out onto the whiteness surrounding her.

The pieces of her that had fallen into your lap produced small puffs in the frigid air. You watched in sick fascination as the mess steamed, wisps of vapor rising up and disappearing with every harsh bout of wind. She was dead when you looked over, graying eyes fixed upon you accusatorially. She wasn’t wrong to glare at you like that from beyond the grave. Hours ago your hands had been clean and as you stared back at her, you realized that she was the third person you had killed in less than 24 hours.

You felt possessed by some greater power as you stood from the ground. The brokenness of your body didn’t bother you as you hobbled towards the cottage. She had nearly beaten you into unconsciousness but you trudged on despite your pounding headache. You barely felt human anymore, just going through the motions as you pilfered through the cottage.

The towel that you used to wipe the blood from your face smelled like dust and blood shot out of your nose as you sneezed from it. Red continued to drip down your face but you just sighed. A mirror hung in the bathroom and you looked into it, noticing how bruises formed beneath your eyes and across your nose. You snorted at the sigh. It reminded you of the panda bears you had seen in a book once as a child.

Your body violently shook from the cold and you tore through the drawers, abandoning your own clothes for a pair of baggy jeans and a thick sweater that advertised The Wyoming Mustangs. More spots of blood stained the collar and you groaned in frustration.

Looking around for anything to stem the flow, you settled on shoving rolled up toilet paper up your nostrils to slow it down. Two pairs of athletic socks replaced your own fuzzier ones and you tried not to grumble at the fabric. Clearly the previous owners of your own home had better taste. After rifling through a plethora of sandals, you managed to find one pair of workboots that would suffice and laced them up as tightly as possible in hopes that it would keep the moisture out.

The only moment of hesitation in your outfit change was the coat. The coat you had with you was one of Joel’s but it was soaked. It didn’t have any real use and you knew he wouldn’t care if you left it behind. But despite the dip in the waters, it still held the faintest whiff of him. You shook your head at yourself. It was just a coat. Still, you knew there was no way you would leave it behind, no matter how irrational it was.

Easing yourself into a stranger’s jacket and throwing Joel’s over your shoulder, you walked towards the truck. Stopping only to collect the discarded weapons and gas, you hurried to the vehicle and threw everything in. You lifted yourself into the obnoxiously large truck with a groan but the second you shut the door, you melted against the driver’s seat.

The cab was still warm and you hastened to turn the keys in the ignition to keep it that way. The engine sputtered once before it roared to life, drawing a sigh of relief from you as you pulled your seat closer to the vents. The warm air was intense, creating pins and needles in your limbs as they thawed out but you kept it cranked. Being cold was one of the things you hated the most in this world and it hadn’t been a problem for a few months. It hadn’t been a problem since Joel came into your life.

The need to cry bubbled up and you desperately tried to shove it down. With a working vehicle and daylight dwindling, what you really needed was to stay on task but the emotions got the better of you.

“Fuck, I miss you,” you croaked, allowing yourself to voice your misery for just a moment.

But there was nobody around to hear. There was nobody coming to rescue you from the people who waited for you ahead. You were just a fool crying out for someone who was incapacitated. Life was not a fairytale where Joel would magically break out of his imprisonment and somehow save you at the very last second. The world was cruel and you realized suddenly that there would be no hero in your life unless you made yourself into one.

“Jesus, get it together woman,” you whispered.

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you looked towards all of the different buttons and the gadgets. Omegas weren’t allowed to drive, that was what Josiah had proclaimed to the group multiple times. They were too easily distracted by simple things, making them prone to accidents. Plus, they weren’t allowed to be away from camp anyways. Driving was never an option when you lived there.

Rachel had given you a few impromptu lessons here and there during your year on the run, allowing you to test the waters in hopes that one day you would find a place more suitable to learn. It was hard to learn with the rugged terrain and hordes of infected. Although she had taught you the basics, it seemed like lifetimes ago and you struggled to remember the finer details. Did D3 mean something different than D2 and D1? Which one were you supposed to use? Did it matter?

The clock in the dashboard changed with each minute that passed and you cussed. There wasn’t enough gas or time for you to freak out like this. Not if you were going to find Joel alive. And fuck, you needed him alive. Swallowing every bit of indoctrinated hesitation and every fear about crashing into the trees, you gripped the gear stick and threw it into D3. It sounded like the speediest option and faster was what you were aiming for.

“Fuck it,” you sighed as you slammed your foot into the gas pedal.

#alpha!joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x fem!reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #omega reader #a/b/o dynamics #angst #tlou fanfic #canon typical violence #joel miller x female reader #violence mention #joel x y/n

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attonposting · 1 year

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Just thinkin' about how showing your companions the Force in KotOR II is about healing, about teaching them to confront their traumas and cope with them in a healthy way, and on a Dark Side run, it's about yanking on that trauma and twisting it until it becomes all that they are.

Atton is a goddamn mess of a person. The war wrecked him and shaped him into a sadistic monster who committed mega war crimes until he met the one Jedi who forced him to see what he'd become. And instead of taking any responsibility, he bolted, coping by drowning out the world and doing his damnedest not to feel. The Exile forces him to stop running and confront himself – to face all those emotions he chopped up into little pieces and wore like masks, his guilt, his hate, his fear. I don't think Atton ever thinks of himself as a Jedi; him learning to use the Force is him learning not to be afraid of it, and himself, anymore. Atton decides he's going to finally try to do something with his life – maybe not for goodness' sake, but because he owes that last Jedi that much. And a DS Exile extinguishes whatever seeds of decency she planted, destroys his last remaining shreds of idealism, and convinces him not to fear himself in a much, much scarier way.

Bao-Dur is a genuinely good guy, but he's shackled by guilt. It's not straightforward, and it'd maybe be easier for him to deal with it if it was - Bao-Dur simultaneously regrets and doesn't regret what he did. He believes... not necessarily that Malachor had to happen, but that the war needed to end. But he's horrified that it was his hands and his mind that conceived the Mass Shadow Generator, can never banish the sight of so much death at his hand. And he can't reconcile how what drove him in the war was pure hatred, and the galaxy treats him like his service was a noble thing when he knows it was anything but. That rage hasn't left him even though he tried to move on and turn his hands towards kinder things. Through the Force, he's able to move on and at last find peace – but a DS Exile convinces him to give into his anger and let retribution rule him completely.

Mira is at her heart a scared little girl trying desperately to prove to herself that she's tough and capable – that she's over everything she's lost, that she's not alone and afraid. She tries not to care about anyone, because the galaxy certainly doesn't give a shit, but she does despite herself. A LS Exile teaches her how to come to terms with the things that hound her, and in that, find true strength. A DS Exile teaches her to cover up that fear by preying on others so that nobody ever has the chance to hurt her again, and convincing herself that hardness means strength until it becomes true.

Brianna has tried to find purpose in servitude, but she's isolated in an otherwise tight-knit unit. She's desperate to prove herself, but she's never good enough for anyone, and she knows why she continues to fail even as she's unable to let the source go. A LS Exile teaches her to transcend those concerns and be true to herself above all else – not only to follow her own path, but to find strength and value in herself, for the first time in her life. What Atris thinks, what her sisters think, is immaterial. A DS Exile doesn't free her from her mindset of servitude so much as twist her loyalties. That Brianna instead becomes convinced she's better than her sisters, better than Atris, and takes her anger out on her ex-family and beyond – becoming driven by scorn, seeing nothing but the failures of the Jedi to live up to their own standards.

Mical lost his future at a young age – something that probably saved his life, considering everything that happened in the following years, but which left him trailing in the shadow of the Jedi seeking answers nobody could give. He wants to believe in the Jedi Order, but recent history has left him with far too much evidence to the contrary. A LS Exile acknowledges the flaws of the Jedi teachings, even personifies those flaws through their history, but convinces him through their actions that their core still rings true and is worth striving for. A DS Exile utterly demolishes his faith in the same manner. Mical takes the Exile's fall as yet another betrayal by the Jedi, but it's the hardest hitting yet - this sheer debasement of the figure he idolized most. It finally extinguishes his idealism, even gnawing away at the compassion that defines him until he's yet another soulless cog in the Republic machine.

And Visas is already attuned to the Force, but a LS Exile gives her hope for the galaxy and teaches her of the beautiful little moments of connection and the greatness people can achieve together, where she'd become convinced that life was pain and the only thing any being could aspire to was an end to the suffering. What she witnesses is strong enough for her to come to terms with the death of Katarr and choose to keep going despite all that's happened. And a DS Exile... doesn't. They reaffirm her desolation and then give her the callous end she sought.

The Exile themselves went for ten years avoiding connections, and then the Force thrusts them back into the role of a leader – a role they've got decidedly mixed feelings about, when it was literally their empathy that caused their self-destruction in the Mandalorian Wars. Major YMMV on how you characterize your Exile's motives, but the way I saw it, a DS Exile isn't going to be hurt again. They're not going to get attached to their soldiers – they've made that mistake before and it brought them nothing. They know how to say the right words to get people to fight and to die for them, and that's all it is. And for a LS Exile... they know the danger of caring, but they won't allow it to stop them from living any longer, not after they've spent ten years dead to themselves. And it's the human connections they form that heals them, that allows for them to touch the Force once more.

Obviously a DS Exile is bad and they should feel bad. For a LS one, though - the Jedi Council's repudiation of your powers at the end of the game used to really bother me until this part clicked. You're all a bunch of broken people who find each other and learn to move on. Even if you're drawing them in with freaky black hole space magic, they are genuinely better off for your presence, and it's because of who you are as a person, not any way you've molded them through the Force.

#kotor #kotor 2 #kotor ii #atton rand #bao-dur #visas marr #mira #handmaiden #mical #disciple #the exile #jedi exile

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starsurface · 4 months

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Fire God Liu age regressor? Ooh! Maybe with human Raiden as caregiver?

THERES A BUNCH OF ANGST BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANT FEELINGS ABOUT LIU KANG AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLIGIZE NOW, POOKIES. <3 <3 <3 🥺

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG Raiden w/ Regressor Liu Kang Hcs

🌟 MK9-11 Liu Kang vs MK1 Lord Liu Kang regress very differently

🌩 MK9-11 Liu Kang regresses to about 4-5

🌟 But Lord Liu Kang regressed to about 2-3, very small baby

🌩 Raiden and Kung Lao are his favorite CG’s but well focus more on Raiden <3

🌟 Loves his babysitters though!! A lot of people babysit him (his Kitana tries when she can <3, I like breaking canon)

🌩 Unfortunately, Liu Kang has a habit of pushing off his regression until he's physically unable to

🌟 Swears it's not a problem, but it very much is

🌩 He's constantly worrying and trying to fix his timeline and others and doesn't like relaxing until he feels like he's done everything correct and right

🌟 ^ Raiden is helping him break this habit, don't worry, he'll be okay :3

🌩 Learnt of age regression from Fujin in his old timeline, and used it as a coping mechanism there (also helped take care of his Kung Lao so he has CG experience)

🌟 Uses both regressing and CGing as coping mechanism though, absolutely adores spending time with his littles

🌩 Didn't like regressing for a VERY long time and got upset whenever he did before he got Raiden and the others in his life

🌟 ^ He didn't like how alone and scared he felt all alone

🌩 (Don't worry though!! He had Geras, he helped a ton)

🌟 The first time he regressed around the others (and how they found out) is that he actually broke down because he was feeling small and Raiden was there to comfort him and it reminded him of his Raiden

🌩 (^ I don't mean to promote my AO3 in this, but I do have a fic of this!!)

🌟 I'm going to stay on the angst train, Liu Kang regresses very small and becomes very clingy when he thinks about his past timeline

🌩 He knows that his new friends aren't his old friends, but he still likes to cling to them

🌟 Raiden doesn't mind this at all, he knows Liu Kang still misses his old friends (will remind him that he's his own person though, and that he's going to be okay)

🌩 Liu Kang calls Raiden 'Rai Rai', but Dada has slipped in a few times and he'll tear up a bit

🌟 His old Raiden was his Dada (or Grandpa of he was trying to make Lord Raiden mad >:3)

🌩 When he's not breaking down, Liu Kang is actually a very sweet little

🌟 Doesn't like getting in trouble, doesn't like getting yelled at, doesn't like any of that

🌩 Its actually perfect because Raiden doesn't like punishments and would rather talk about what happened, maybe a stern voice when he needs it

🌟 However, Liu Kang has thrown a few hissy fits when he's angry or really frustrated, and unfortunately this has involved his powers activating

🌩 Raiden usually stands a few feet away and puts out whatever Liu Kang sets on fire

🌟 Liu Kang always feels really bad whenever his little tantrum ends, and will begin blubbering out apologize

🌩 Depending on the damage depends on how mad Raiden gets, although he does use the situation to express how important it is for Liu Kang to communicate his feelings in healthier ways

🌟 Luckily, however, these tantrums don't happen very often, and the damage isn't anything worse than a few burn marks on the floor (they were terrible when Liu Kang was training for the tournament in his old timeline)

🌩 Otherwise, Liu Kang is a very sweet little

🌟 Super energetic though

🌩 Raiden is a lap baby, Kung Lao feels like a leash kid at times, and Liu Kang has a decent mix

🌟 Adores sitting on Raiden's lap and having story time

🌩 Also adores rolling around and having fun and giggles

🌟 Will attempt to do his really cool ninja moves (and pouts when Raiden tells him not to

🌩 It's fine, he'll just have to show Raiden this new skill!! (Raiden also said no >:(

🌟 Normally takes no for an answer, and will give puppy eyes and beg for five more minutes? Two more minutes? One more minutes?

🌩 Likes going to the Whushu garden while small

🌟 Pretty flowers? He loves pretty flowers!!

🌩 Trees? He'll climb them!! (Doesn't get super high and Raiden is always next to him just in case)

🌟 Use to really like play wrestling although now he's a bit too small for it

🌩 It's okie though, Raiden will so easy on him

🌟 Favorite little nicknames are Liu-Liu, Liu, Firestarter, Little Flame, Tiny Fire, Hatchling, Squirt, Little Dragon

🌩 On the topic of dragons, my gosh, he is obsessed

🌟 Has two plushies and they're both his favorites, please don't make him choose

🌩 One is from his old timeline, a monkey plushie his old Kung Lao gave him (Kung Lao use to call him a monkey cause he was so energetic)

🌟 Y'all when I tell you that stuffie looks like it's been dragged across the Netherrealm and drowned in a pool . . . I mean it

🌩 Bald spots, rough fur, barely holding onto the limbs (he's been very loved)

🌟 Liu Kang sobs whenever it gets even the smallest tear and Kung Lao has to fix it, Raiden isn't allowed to fix it, it has to be Kung Lao (it also might send Liu Kang spiraling)

🌩 His other stuffie is a dragon!! She's still new and very soft and fuzzy (Raiden got it for him)

🌟 Raiden makes sure both stuffies get love and care and feel are ‘healthy’

🌩 Most of Liu Kang's regression items are dragon related (although he doesn't own much)

🌟 He doesn't buy himself things but gets really happy whenever Raiden gets him stuff

🌩 HAS ONE OF THOSE BLANKIES WITH A DRAGON HOOD AND I STAND BY THAT

🌟 Ngl, I could also totally see him as a dragon regressor too

🌩 ^ The blankie really helps him slip into that mindset

🌟 Steals. Everything.

🌩 Raiden could spend thirty minutes trying to find his hat and it's on Liu Kang's head in his nest of everyone's favorite things

🌟 Back off!! Its all his!! >:(

🌩 (He'll later apologize for stealing everything and sheepishly give them back to everyone)

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Stop, I'm so sorry for how much Liu Kang stuff there is. He's my favorite tragedy. 🥺

#age regression #agere #sfw age regression #age regression headcanons #mortal kombat agere #sfw agere #mk1 #mk1 headcanons #mortal kombat 1 #mortal kombat 1 headcanons #cg raiden #caregiver raiden #little liu kang #regressor liu kang #liu kang #mk1 liu kang #raiden #mk1 raiden

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lakesbian · 11 months

Note

what do you think a second trigger from alec would look like? both in how it would happen and in how his power would change.

would he be like kephri?

OOH this is an interesting one thank you. you guys gotta stop giving me alec questions (do not stop giving me alec questions) i will never read pact efficiently at this rate.

alright so second triggers need to mimic the circumstances of the original trigger event, like how both times brian triggers from not feeling/being strong enough to protect a loved one. i haven't quite figured out how to structure my essay explaining what i think the general premise of alec's trigger event was yet so you're just going to have to Trust My Autistic Expertise when i say that he triggered because he either very desperately wanted or outright asked for help/protection from heartbreaker from someone (possibly a sibling) and was ignored. so what that translates to in abstract is "lifelong isolation & terror w/ no one ever stepping in to help despite many people watching the abuse happen culminating in betrayal and abandonment at his weakest point, leaving him with the devastating realization that he truly is entirely alone in the world and no one will ever care enough to help him if they're not forced." w/ the added details that the source of fear and the source of betrayal are both extremely personal and well-known to alec. subsequently a second trigger would be very unlikely, because it would necessitate 1. alec being scared of and unable to defend himself from a specific known threat (tall order, he's bad at being scared of things now) 2. that known threat persistently attempting to hurt him specifically (tall order, no one gives a shit about regent) and 3. the undersiders being his last line of defense and then callously leaving him when he needs them (they would not fucking do that i joke about them leaving him in a bassinet outside PRT headquarters but they would not fucking do that).

the other thing to note about second triggers is that, in terms of worm's ongoing power/trauma metaphor, they're what happen when your coping mechanisms aren't enough. brian's initial power is him putting up a big scary front to hide the vulnerability and fear that's keeping him from doing what he thinks is his job and protecting aisha--and then when it's not enough to keep bonesaw from seeing how weak he is and hurting him even worse, when it's not enough to help him protect taylor, it shifts. he's already prone to imitating his abuser--the scariest, strongest thing he knows--when he doesn't know how else to keep in control. it's why he's physically violent to rachel to keep her in line, why he tells her that he hates that she's making him acting like what he hates the most. his second trigger takes that and turns it into a superpower: just being scary wasn't enough, so now he can become what he fears and hates, take the powers of the people menacing him & his loved ones and fight back with that power.

so if alec being able to force the people he spends time around to help him doesn't work, if the closest thing to a family he has abandons him anyway, just like when he was a kid, then his power will shift to compensate. it wouldn't be a khepri circumstance--whereas taylor's trauma (& subsequently her power) are focused on isolation and betrayal from society as a whole, the locus of alec's trauma is the family, a much smaller and more personal source of pain. hence why his power is limited to 3-4 people at a time, and why it's capable of such exacting and intimate control. (compare to khepri, who has endless multitasking capability, but poor fine motor skills w/ people she masters--she's focused on frustrations w/ society as a whole and thus moves people in broad sweeps that are most powerful as a crowd, whereas alec is focused on more interpersonal betrayal and thus has more exact control over fewer people.) imagine how he would respond to the team, the only people he has, abandoning him? to aisha, the person he cares about more than his own life, abandoning him? he would have no interest in reaching out to different people in this circumstance, so his power's range wouldn't widen--rather, he would want to be better at holding onto the people he already wants to care about him.

i could see something along the lines of his multitasking abilities degrading even further--maybe down to 1-2 people at once instead of 3-4--and in exchange, he gets the ability to actually start changing people he's controlling. slowly supplanting their desires with what he wants (e.g, for them to want to help him), his power being able to seed auto-piloted future actions or pavlovian responses, people he's controlling slowly feeling more and more positive to him heartbreaker-style, etc. i dunno i'm just throwing out ideas here. don't quite think any of these are perfect but they're in the ballpark.

#ask #parahumans #we got a brian special feature in this one #worm spoilers #scarf don't look

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fe-fictions · 1 year

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I miss the claude pregnapping fic sm I’d love to revisit it if u have it still to repost. Love ur writing it’s sooo goood

(Ahhh thank you so much!!! ;; U ;; )

No one had ever seen Claude in a state of pure angst.

They had seen him upset, when the professor had been lost. They’d seen him angry, afraid, and worried throughout the war even when he hid it. They saw him in grief, saw him mourn… but it was nothing like this.

They had never seen a man struggling to cope with his pregnant wife’s disappearance.

It happened in the dead of night. You went to the chapel, unable to sleep. Claude woke with the intent to follow, but was a bit tired to follow. That was his fatal mistake; He didn’t go right away. Maybe if he had, he would have been with you; not in the hall when the chapel was desecrated. Where he could only listen to your screams through the door.

The stained glass shattered so violently he heard it meters away. He was sprinting in a split second, crashing against the doors. Locked.

The doors were locked.

He heard voices, he heard you struggling against them. He was throwing himself against the door, his bow nowhere close by. He was a fool.

“BYLETH!!”

The noise he was making, coupled with whatever violence was happening within the chapel, soon drew the attention of the guards. Seteth was in a frenzy, breaking down the doors before they made it inside. By then, it was far too late.

You were gone.

Claude fell to his knees, shaken by what he was looking at. An empty chapel, torn asunder and covered in broken glass and marble. What had happened? Who hurt you? Where in the hells did you go?

There would be no more sleep. Not for several days.

Claude was in unspeakable distress, taking every shred of evidence they could pick up, trying to find your captors. Find where they’d taken you. Seventeen nights in a row, he had ridden the skies on his wyvern, searching for some sort of hideaway that they could have locked you up in.

You were only three months pregnant… not enough for anyone to know what you were. Not enough for anyone to be told, save for Claude and maybe Marianne or Lysithea.

Seteth had suspected as much, and when Claude told him one raw, horrible night after your kidnapping… Seteth found little rest, himself.

The Archbishop was missing. The king’s family was on the line.

It was no wonder Claude was on the brink of madness.

He couldn’t imagine how horrible you must have been feeling. To be abandoned and alone, with no hope or assurance that you would be safe… to be pregnant and wondering if your child would survive with you…

Gods, gods, gods–

“Claude?”

He was barely able to pull his head up from the ashes of his anxiety.

“Lysith… Lysithea.” He croaked, releasing his hair that he had been clutching painfully tight. “Did you find something?”

“No, no- I heard your voice. You were… whimpering.”

His eyes widened for a fraction of a second, but they quickly narrowed as he looked away. He scoffed, “Was I really being that loud?”

“No. But it was enough I thought you were cursed or hexed or… something.”

“Sorry. You shouldn’t have heard that, or… seen me like that.”

“Claude, your wife was taken in the middle of the night. You have every right to be like that.”

“She was taken weeks ago.”

“And we’ve been searching for weeks.” She reminded him coolly, stepping into his office and shutting the door behind her. “We’re certain to have a lock on her in the coming days. Seteth’s been running the scouts ragged, and those wyverns have an excellent sense of smell. They’ll hone in on her scent and we’ll recover her in no time.”

“Hey, Ly? Did you ever think that… if wyverns are so good at tracking… there’s a reason we haven’t found Byleth by now?”

“You can’t think like that-”

“What am I supposed to think?” Claude rose from his seat, nearly knocking the chair over. “She’s out there, alone and scared… she’s pregnant, and we don’t even know if we’ll get to see the kid, o-or if either of them will make it out alive, or if they’re even anywhere we can find them, or-”

“Claude,” She hurried forward, seeing the tears spilling down his cheeks before he realized it was happening. “Claude… oh, Claude.”

“I-” He hiccupped, spitting a curse as he crumbled. “I’m sorry. I can’t be- Byleth doesn’t need this. She needs me to work, to help her-”

“Claude, you’re scared. You’re worried and afraid, and you’re allowed to feel those things. You’re allowed to cry. You can’t hold all of this in.”

“No, I have to.” He shook his head, piecing together what little resolve he had left. “I Have to I’ll cry when she’s back home. I can’t waste time being all emotional when she probably doesn’t even have that luxury, or…”

“Please.” She whispered, drawing him into her arms. For a moment, he didn’t move. He imagined if it had been your warmth enveloping him. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so terribly broken.

It was when he wondered if he’d ever get to hold you again that the dam broke.

Lysithea wouldn’t forget the feeling of a friend shattered in her arms, of comforting a frightened king.a man who loved his wife beyond all comprehension.

A man who loved a woman so much he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.

It was that thought, the realization that he absolutely needed to stay beside you, that pulled him from his misery. It was the only thing that pushed him hard enough to keep it together, as long as he could.

He leaned on Hilda and Lysithea for support then, as everyone continued their tireless push to pinpoint your location.

But it would be weeks still before they finally did.

Claude was never one to abandon hope. He didn’t admit to his feelings of fear or loss, even when the thirtieth day passed.

It was the thirty-second day that Hilda barged into the war room, breathlessly announcing that they did it.

They had a lead.

One of the wyvern riders had been able to track a trail that had been left by the scent of blood. A small stain of it that had been found in the chapel all those weeks before.

The rider followed it fining the scent stopped in the mountains several days’ flight from the monastery. But it was there.

Without a doubt, the rider informed them personally as Claude rasped his shoulders, there were people there, hiding out in a secret long lost castle.

One that was small, easily concealed in the bitter cold, and flanked by a number of wyverns that didn’t belong to any ally.

Claude nearly rallied the troops for war then and there. They found you.

King Dimitri of Faerghus naturally allied immediately, ready to help Claude raze whatever villainous strongholds they still had. Anything to bring you back home.

His wyvern flew with a strange new strength, sending him careening through the sky at a velocity the naked eye barely registered. His forces moved quickly behind him, and Claude’s bow was at the ready, taking aim as they neared your location.

The snow made it difficult to see, but that didn’t slow him down. His eyes were like that of a hawk’s, zeroing in on the thought-to-be abandoned castle after days of traveling the skies.

The plan was simple. Hilda and Raphael would be tasked with securing the exits, while Ignatz identified any possible secret entrances or trapdoors they might attempt to escape from (and potentially take you with them).

Claude, considering he was a hard target to miss (and at this point in time, not one for stealth in favor of decimating those who would take his wife), would lead the front lines.

He had the decency to wait until the more covert operators were in position before he unleashed a rain of arrows with his accompanying wyvern riders.

Seteth dropped first after the volley, cutting through waves of soldiers with Flayn secured behind him once you were found and ready for medical treatment.

Claude was counting on Flayn most of all, at this point; though Seteth’s blind rage certainly helped.

He circled the skies a few minutes longer, helping to eliminate snipers and magicians so they could safely land.

His wyvern’s claws barely touched the castle’s floor before he leapt from its back, making a break for the entrance and drawing his sword.

They didn’t stand a chance.

The Ones Who Slither that had the audacity to capture the queen, his queen, had never seen anything like it.

A man whose wife and child were on the line was little more than a demon in the throes of blood-wrath.

Claude simply wasn’t having it.

The main floor was cleared of the dastards, and shortly after, Hilda and Raphael emerged from the basement. You weren’t being held underground. Most likely, you were in one of the towers.

“Everyone, split up! Take every tower, every upper level- move in groups of three, and make sure you have a healer with you! If you find her light a black flare and send for me immediately!! I’ll do the same. Now, move!!”

Claude took Seteth and Flayn with him, the three practically barreling through the castle and breaking down every door they could find.

They wound their way up the southwestern tower, but to their dismay, every corridor attached to its steps was empty.

Claude had taken to smashing down the doors just to blow off some anxiety-packed steam.

A red flare was launched from the northwest. You weren’t on that end. Claude broke into another room, his voice thick as he called for you.

Another red flare from the northeast. Claude swallowed a curse, leading Seteth and Flayn down another hallway. A trail of shattered splinters were left behind them, their options thinning.

Seteth caught the flare behind them, to the southeast tower. This was it.

You had to be here.

Claude bit back a frustrated growl when the penultimate door revealed yet another empty room.

Nothing but snow and ice filled the place, the biting cold seeping into his blood and filling him with dread.

He rushed for the final door, drawing the sword over his shoulder. This was it.

What if you weren’t there?

Had they already taken you?

Did they spot the army before they could attack, and gotten you out? Was that battle just a diversion?

Did he really lose you again?

“DAMN YOU!!” He roared at no one in particular; his fears, perhaps. The sword came down on the old wood like a crack of thunder, decimating it with no mercy.

He crossed the threshold, panting like a rabid animal. He searched the room with wild eyes, the sword gripped so tightly his hand bled.

“Byleth… dammit, Byleth-!!”

“…Claude?”

His breath hitched.

Claude started, following the quiet call of his name. He knew that voice. He knew that shock of light hair, the wide, tired eyes that stared at him from the dark corner of the room.

There, huddled in a musty old blanket and shivering terribly…

The sword clattered to the floor.

“Oh, my gods.”

It was you.

“Lady Byleth!” Seteth exclaimed, but Claude was ten steps ahead.

Rather, he was sprinting, crossing the room and kneeling down in front of you, grasping your shoulders painfully tight.

“Byleth- Byleth, is it… is it really you?”

“C-Claude…” You whispered his name, again. He felt you under his fingers, your body colder than it should have been. He breathed out a broken laugh, his eyes filling with tears that blurred his vision just as they did with your own. “I-I-I thought… I t-thought it was o-over…”

“Goddess, no. No, no, no.” He shook his head and gulped down his emotions, long enough to cup your face and try to wipe away your own tears. “There’s no way in all Hells I was gonna let you go. I didn’t let myself think for a second that I could truly lose you.”

He heard Seteth say something behind him, and Flayn’s tittering laughter, but… it was little more than noise in the background.

Claude’s hands fell from your face to your arms, drawing you into his chest and engulfing you in a crushing embrace.

You buried your face in his neck, soaking up as much heat as you could from your dearest husband.

“I-I… can’t believe you found me.” You whimpered, letting him draw you into his lap as he fell back against the wall. He didn’t respond at first, instead peeling the dirty blanket from your body.

Your robes were in tatters, dried blood staining the pristine white where the dirt and grime didn’t.

Claude wanted to be mad, but what more could he do? The foes were vanquished. You were safe.

Your baby was safe.

His hand fell to your stomach, just below it, where the baby had started to grow. In nearly a month you had started to show just a little, enough that someone who hadn’t been aware could suspect you were with child.

In nearly a month, he had missed the start of his child’s life.

You watched as his expression crumbled into something unreadable, a mixture of grief and regret and sorrow that morphed into a numb pain you couldn’t even hope to understand.

All you knew was that Claude needed to hold you as badly as you did him.

You reached up, passing a hand through his hair and drawing him back into reality. He shook his head again and gave you a strained smile, before getting to work.

He carefully turned to Seteth, gesturing to Flayn so that she might come and get to work on any wounds she could heal.

While Flayn tearfully took care of you (and Seteth melodramatically explained how worried he had been), Claude unclasped his cloak and wrapped you up in it, enveloping you in the heat you craved.

Shortly after Seteth launched the red flare, Claude took you up, bringing you away from the nightmarish castle.

Once you were reunited with everyone (in the safety of Claude’s arms, of course), it didn’t take long for soldiers to start offering scarves and gloves, contributing all that they could to help the Archbishop recover.

They didn’t know if you trembled from fear or from the cold, but Claude was the most determined to put a stop to it.

He held you tightly the entire ride back to the monastery, even after the weather became kinder and the need for woolen bundling melted away.

Mercedes was quick to tend to you on the ground, informing him that just to be safe, you needed to stay bundled until your body temperature was back to normal.

“Say no more,” He said with mirth in his eyes, sweeping you up and taking you back to your bedroom.

Naturally, the doors were latched shut and the windows practically barred (and plenty of soldiers stationed everywhere nearby), but as far as you were concerned, it was a private haven.

Claude settled you onto the bed, pressing a kiss to your forehead before drawing a bath and starting up a fire.

He took you into the water and washed you, scrubbing you tenderly from head to toe to rinse away the nightmare you suffered.

Hot soup would be enjoyed by both of you (Claude did, however, insist on feeding you), his arm around your shoulders as you sat before the flames, that night.

“I’ll take care of you.” He murmured between promises to keep you safe, “I won’t let you out of my sight ever again. And I’ll say the very same for the little one, too. I got lucky, once. I’m not risking losing either of you after that.”

“I don’t doubt it for a second.” You replied quietly, eliciting a kiss from your husband. Gently he returned you to bed, the both of you exhausted beyond reason.

He found the strength to tuck you in, and crossed to his side of the bed before slipping into the blankets and promptly taking you into his arms once more.

You didn’t say anything about his quiet desperation, how he clung to you tighter than you could have held him, even if you wanted to.

He was thankful beyond words to have you back home, and you knew that just by feeling him around you. He wasn’t going to let you go, anytime soon.

And you weren’t going to let him.

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daniellesimagines · 11 months

Text

Shot of Truth (Ashton Irwin) - Part 2

word count: 1004 requested by: @youngblood199456 (x) pronouns: she/her warnings: none fandom: 5 seconds of summer au type: exes, bad boy summary: it’s been 4 months since you made that mixtape for your ex-boyfriend, 4 months since you’d last seen him, and 4 months since you were starting to worry you’d fucked up inspired by: @bxdlvckcharm (x) and @phoenixsbby (x) authors notes: sorry this took 3 years lol other parts: part 1 / part 2

❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀

Ashton took a deep breath before he opened the bookshop’s door, hearing the bell above his head ding. He could feel his heart beating like it was going to fall out of his chest at any moment, but he knew he could do this – he had to do this. He’d been hyping himself up for the past four months to come back into this shop and confront you about your mixtape. He hadn’t been able to think about anything other than that damn CD – that you were telling him you still loved him.

He looked around the small shop, unable to see or hear anyone around – not a cashier, not someone stocking shelves, not anyone greeting him as he entered... It was like the store was empty. He decided he’d use the opportunity of no patrons being around to find you – at least no one would be around to hear you reject him for practically ghosting you for four months.

He began walking toward the back of the shop – the only place anyone could feasibly be if they hadn’t heard someone enter – but he stopped when he heard people talking. He listened carefully upon hearing your voice, quietly making his way toward his favorite sound, and stopping at the end of the aisle of books just before he’d been spotted.

“How can he think I’m happy?” he heard you sniffle, peeking above the books to see you roughly wiping your eyes with the heel of your hand, “I’ve been miserable since the day he broke up with me and he thinks I’m happy?”

“Y/N,” your co-worker sighed, “Maybe he’s just trying to cope too. You didn’t leave that CD for nothing, did you?”

“That was months ago,” you mumbled, “If he’s listened to it, he would have said so by now. He hasn’t even come into the store since then. It probably scared him away.”

“He’s probably trying to figure out how,” she assured you, “It took you a couple weeks to come up with the idea for the CD, didn’t it? I’m sure he’s just trying to come up with an idea for a response.”

“He probably thinks I’m too clingy – that I’m too hung up on the past and am begging for him back...” you whispered, more to yourself than to Corrine, “He already broke up with me for being too much to deal with the first time around... Why would he wanna deal with this trainwreck again?”

And Ashton, finally having enough of you berating yourself, couldn’t keep himself quiet anymore.

“Because that ‘trainwreck’ is the best thing that ever happened to me!” he said angrily, making you jump when he popped out from around the corner, “And I’m not about to stand here and listen to her convince herself that I don’t love her anymore!”

Corrine rolled her eyes – took him long enough to speak up – before plucking the books out of your hands and taking the cart to finish working so you and Ashton could have a moment alone.

“A-Ashton!” you squeaked, quickly wiping the rest of your tears off of your cheeks, “What- What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to talk about that CD you left me,” he stated bluntly to keep you from avoiding it.

“You... You listened to it...?” you murmured, surprising him.

“I mean... Yeah,” he nodded, “You put it there for me to listen to, didn’t you?”

“I just... I didn’t think you did...” you admitted, keeping your gaze on your feet, “Been a while since you’ve come in here...”

“Well, uh...” he cleared his throat nervously, “Corrine wasn’t wrong when she said I’ve been trying to think of something to say.”

“I’m just- I heard you and your friend talking before... I don’t- didn’t...know you thought I was happier... I guess I just thought... You know I’m not good at talking about my feelings... I thought that would be easier... M’sorry if it made you uncomfortable...”

“Uncomfortable?” he furrowed his eyebrows, “Why would it make me uncomfortable?”

“I’m- I dunno,” you shrugged lightly, “Jus’ haven’t seen you around since then, I guess...”

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he shook his head, “I never expected you to still want me is all. Those songs you picked... That was a lot for me to hear all at once.”

“M’sorry...” you repeated in a whisper.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N,” he assured you, “I know talking about how you’re feeling is difficult for you. I’m proud of you for trying anything at all.”

He saw the corner of your mouth twitch, making him barely smile as well. He watched you for a moment longer, finally realizing you hadn’t looked away from the floor.

“Hey, Y/N?” Ashton said softly, “Look at me? Please?” You barely shook your head. “Why not?” he furrowed his eyebrows again – had he done something wrong already? But, as you swallowed the lump in your throat, he could have never prepared himself for your reply.

“If I look at you again, I won’t be able to stop myself from kissing you,” you confessed so lowly, he almost didn’t hear you. But when his brain finally processed your words – when he actually realized what you were telling him – he couldn’t keep himself from smiling.

“I wouldn’t tell you to stop if you did,” he promised.

You tried to slyly wipe your face again, but Ashton took your hand and pulled it back down. He then put his hands on your cheeks and lifted your head up. Your eyes finally met his, and he could tell how hard you were trying not to start crying in front of him.

“You are my favorite person in the entire world,” he whispered, swiping his thumbs underneath your eyes, “You know that, right?”

“St-Still?” your bottom lip quivered slightly, your heart racing when he smiled at you.

“Forever,” he promised, smiling even wider when you wasted no more time in kissing him.

❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀・・・❀

other parts: part 1 / part 2

master list / master list for mobile users

you can also check out my last imagine here, my to do list to see what’s coming up, and click here to go to the page for my calum fic :)

Other bad boy AUs: Ashton / Calum / Marshall / Luke / Ashton / Calum / Michael / Calum / Luke / Luke / Ashton

Other exes AUs: Ryan / Nash / Ryan / Alex / Jack / Cody / Ashton / Luke / Alex / Calum / Marshall / Ashton / Ashton / Ashton / Michael / Luke / Michael / Marshall / Luke / Luke / Calum / Marshall / Luke / Cody / Cody / Ashton / Maxx / Marshall / Trevor / Luke / Ashton

taglist: @calumhoodslays @vendylewin @lunalove25 @i-opened-the-chamber-of-secrets @maurine5sos @rachellwrites @itkindajusthappenedreally @breathinginthevapor @double-tap-to-edit @all-i-want-is2b-loved-by-you @silverchainbee @disastrxlogy @kikixfandoms @5saucewho @mycollectionofnuts @sunnysidesblog @youngblood199456 @boxofteenageideas @newhopenessie @5-seconds-of-mendes

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, let me know!

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soullikethesea · 2 years

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T also mentioned that I could go to a voice coach in the trauma centre she mentioned a while ago.

Somehow mentioning the centre still leads to me freaking out. I get so worried, so fast. So afraid.

The fear is reinforced when I see messages of an acquaintance who goes to a different, but similar trauma centre. It's all about those triggering words about "facing it" and therapists trying to challenge her. I would be completely unable to cope with any of that.

It all really scares me. We don't know anything about funding for next year yet, and it somehow felt like extra fore-shadowing that T mentioned this.

I know I'm scared for trauma reasons. I'm terrified because of what happened when I went to a trauma clinic. I'm terrified because I need things in treatment to be a very particular way in order to be somewhat okay. It would mean losing T, but not only that: it would mean losing having a specific T. I would be thrown into the reality of having multiple ones, and given my case, then likely falling through the mazes of their capabilities and understanding.

I also already have bad experiences with almost all of the treatment modalities that they offer. I especially hated MBT. Am I alone in that? I'm already mentalizing like waaaaayyyy too much, I really don't need any more of that. It made me feel very ashamed when I did that. I will also never forget the therapist telling me that I am "damaging".

I'd like to think that now I would know when to get up and leave, but really I usually cling to situations too long. My brain just doesn't process changes very well. So that would be a reason to look into the trauma centre after all.

Meep. :/

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niniblack · 2 years

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Nini's Spidey Fic Masterlist

Time to make one for ALL the Spidey fic! Lately I only write Spider-Man and Irondad fic, sorry to all my Captive Prince friends.

Current WIPs

A Thousand Lies (and a good disguise)

When Tony agreed to fund a research project with SHIELD to recreate the super soldier serum and then promptly forgot about it for the next three years, he never expected it to come back to bite him in the ass quite this hard.

Or, more accurately, to come back in the form of a spider that’s just bitten Peter Parker, a 14-year-old kid on a field trip to Avengers Tower.

- - -

In which Tony is responsible for creating the spider that bit Peter and gave him powers, and spends the next eight years feeling guilty over it.

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the ghost at the back of your closet

The DODC makes good on their threat to charge May with child endangerment, sending Peter into foster care. But in a universe where Tony Stark is still alive, his actions have repercussions as well, and May Parker isn’t the only one fighting to get custody of her child back.

Meanwhile, Peter’s left completely alone and unable to contact any of his loved ones, trying to navigate a system he thought he’d left behind after his aunt and uncle picked him up a few weeks after his parents’ deaths. And he’s absolutely not going to let anything like what happened to him happen to Morgan, no matter what he has to do to make sure she’s safe.

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Extraction

Peter Parker has several parental figures: a hippie aunt, a dorky uncle, an absentee father, and a deceased mother. Trying to find out more about his mother got him bitten by a radioactive spider last week, which resulted in superpowers (awesome!) while his dad’s mysterious government job has just gotten him kidnapped and dragged halfway around the world (not awesome!) The last person he’s expecting to be rescued by is Tony Stark, famous mostly for being rich and famous, but at this point he’ll take anyone who’s not pointing a gun in his face.

Tony Stark—genius, billionaire, philanthropist, and SHIELD consultant—would really rather be examining the shiny scepter that the Avengers just recovered and charging an exorbitant fee for offering his expertise on it, but he’s a sucker for missions involving kids and Natasha knows it. It’s just his luck that absolutely nothing is going to plan, and what should have been an easy in-and-out rescue op has turned into a race through Madripoor with a scared, untrained teenager, and half the city out to kill him.

An AU of Extraction, minus the drug cartels and plus the typical Marvel shenanigans.

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Multi-Chapter/Series

the long game

“Your prints were a match for a missing persons case from ten years ago. A little boy who was kidnapped.”

The officer pulls out a picture that she turns toward Peter. It’s a little boy around four years old, with curly brown hair. “That’s you,” she says.

Peter shakes his head.

“Do you remember how you got to that park? Who left you there?”

“Lady, I don’t remember jack shit,” Peter says. “I was like four. No one remembers shit from when they were four.”

---

Or: the biodad au where Peter gets arrested for selling drugs, and that actually improves his life.

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The Simple Life

“What’s going on?” Tony asks, walking over to the security guard. The man is sitting at his desk and talking to a kid who’s gesturing animatedly. “Is it bring your kid to work day or something?”

“Hi!” the kid says, smiling brightly and waving at Tony. “I’m Peter.”

“He says he’s, uh…” The guard seems to be at a loss.

“You’re my dad!” Peter says, still smiling brightly.

Tony’s whole body flinches.

---

An AU of The Game Plan, set right after Civil War and featuring a very lonely Tony Stark with poor coping mechanisms; a very young Peter Parker who is losing track of how many lies he’s told; and a very busy Pepper Potts who is starting to see her ex-boyfriend in a new light.

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the one where Bucky kidnapped Peter Stark as a toddler (series)

It’s 2019. In a universe where Thanos didn’t snap, Bucky is still making amends for his crimes as the Winter Soldier. Which includes that time he kidnapped Tony Stark’s kid in 2007. 12 years later, after tracking Nicholas Stark down again on a trip that takes him halfway around the world, he drops the teenager now known as Peter Parker off on Tony’s doorstep.

Then Peter and Tony are left to deal with the aftermath.

(These are best read in order for them to make the most sense.)

old ghosts keep whispering In which Bucky is working on making amends, leading him to play detective into what happened to Nick Stark after he broke protocol and dumped the toddler outside a hospital instead of delivering him to HYDRA.

my family (might be a walking disaster) Peter Parker is dealing with finding out he was kidnapped and that his biological father is Iron Man really well. Honestly. He's fine. It's fine. Everything is fine.

twelve years, eight days, twenty-one hours, and fifteen minutes (give or take) Tony counts the time that his son is missing in minutes at first, then hours. Days. Months. ... Years. He never really stops counting.

One shots in the series: the guest room oh california (I didn’t think you’d end up treating me so bad) drinking buddies

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Papa-Paparazzi

The top story on Buzzfeed on February 16, 2017, is “Everything We Know About Peter Parker, Who May or May Not Actually Be Peter Stark.” Turns out Tony Stark might have been hiding the fact that he has a kid all these years. We’re just as shocked as you are, the subheadline reads.

It should be an easy rumor to dispel, seeing as it’s not true. But, it turns out, nothing is ever quite that simple when dealing with a celebrity scandal.

- - -

In which Tony is Very Famous™️ and that bleeds over into fans paying attention to the people around him as well. Which includes Peter, now. And would be fine, if they would all just stop assuming that Tony is his dad.

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One Shots

What's in a Name?

Morgan looks up to Peter and wants to be just like him. And if Peter calls Daddy "Mr. Stark" then that means that must be the right thing to call him.

Mr. Stark is not quite as thrilled with this development.

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How to Get Banned from Monaco (again)

Tony texts Rhodey before they leave for Monaco:

two rules for this trip don’t let Peter out of your sight don’t let him do anything Pepper would get mad about

Rhodey: that second one doesn’t leave many options

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Since You've Been Gone

Post-NWH. The first time Pepper watches the hologram Tony left behind, after the holidays are over, she discovers he left a message to someone he only calls ‘kid’. Someone he says he loves. Someone he might have died trying to bring back to life.

Someone she can’t remember.

She’s going to solve this mystery, even if it makes her face a few things she’s been avoiding.

- - -

Or, Pepper realizes she’s forgotten Peter, and does some detective work on her quest to remember.

--------------------------------------------

The Best Thanksgiving Ever

Thanksgiving, 2024. It’s a year post-blip and Tony Stark has invited all his family and friends over to his idyllic lake house for a perfect holiday. It’s gonna be great. Perfect. Absolutely nothing is going to go wrong.

---

“No,” Happy says. He steps towards the turkey, hands raised as though to ward them both off. “You two are not blowing up another turkey.”

Peter turns to him, eyes wide. “But… it’s for science.”

Happy raises a finger at him. “No.”

“Hap–” Tony tries.

“No.”

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I tamagot-chu (if you tamagot-me)

Ned shoved a bright purple tamagotchi into Peter’s hands.

“What is this?” Peter asked.

“That’s Karen.”

Peter looked between Ned and the tamagotchi. “What?”

“I ran out of room on the external drive,” Ned said.

Peter blinked at the tamagotchi. A tiny circle with a face was bouncing around the screen. There was a little pixelated skull in the corner. “You downloaded Karen onto a tamagotchi?”

“My mom was coming! I panicked!”

--------------------------------------------

The Hottest Toy of the Season

“You got that Iron Man toy, right?” May asks, the night before Christmas Eve.

“Oh,” Ben says. “The action figure. Right. I, um…”

“You did not forget to buy that,” she says, voice firm. “That is the only thing Peter has talked about all month. He is obsessed with that damn flying tin can.”

“I got it,” Ben says. “Of course I got it.” He smiles at her, nodding. “C’mon May, would I forget that?”

He totally forgot that.

- - -

A Jingle All the Way AU with the Parkers, circa 2009. Merry Christmas!

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Different Shapes and Sizes

“So, uh, Peter. And Peter,” Peter waves a hand towards them, making an incredibly awkward introduction. “This is Aunt May, as I’m sure you know already.”

They both stare, eyes wide. Peter’s smile falters a bit as they stay silent.

The oldest Peter tilts his head a bit, brow furrowed. “I… did not know that. No.”

- - -

In which things go differently, Aunt May is not dead, and everyone meets up at the school science lab because why the hell not?

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Just Part of the Costume (collab with Jenniboo311)

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Peter says, voice rather high pitched, as he tries to cover himself with his hands.

“It isn’t?” MJ manages to ask. She bites her lip, before voicing a suspicion that she has been 69% sure of for the past semester but is now creeping up on 95% surety. “Because it kinda looks like you’re Spider-Man, and you like thong underwear.”

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Tony Shark (doo doo do do do do) (collab with Jenniboo311 and Happyaspie)

Peter the Spider-Crab requires some assistance and the best person to ask is obviously the one and only Tony Shark. (crack fic!)

--------------------------------------------

Hiatus

A 10 Step Plan for Saving Your Mentor’s Life (a Guide by Peter Parker)

What should be a quick training mission for the kid turns into disaster when the warehouse Tony and Peter are investigating collapses on top of them, leaving Tony trapped beneath the rubble. Waiting for someone with more expertise than a fifteen year old kid to dig him out would be ideal, sure, but Tony’s bleeding out from a gut wound. He doesn’t have that kind of time.

#my fic #irondad #spider-man #fanfic #tony stark #peter parker #still on my bullshit

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sobdasha · 2 years

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every time i rewatch the reboot and i get to the Kana ep

I go "I need to write down my Kana Thoughts for posting" for the posterity of me and then it doesn't happen.

IDK which number try I am on but maybe it is a charm!!!

–

I feel like, way back in the day, I was not alone in being in Ayame's camp about Kana. Like, good for her or whatever, but a bit rude to go off and have a happy, healthy marriage with some far-removed-from-the-Souma man. A bit rude to let your guilt eat you alive and then recover once Hatori is no longer in your life, and walk off and leave him to stick it out alone with all the memories and the sadness.

(And then Mayuko appeared on the horizon and I stopped caring very much about the tragedy of Kana and Hatori, both of them are clearly destined to live their best lives with other people good for both of them!!!)

Anyway I feel like there were some fundamental assumptions I had going there that were not quite on point, and I have at length since reexamined things and found more complicated nuance and every time I watch the dub reboot I start to consider yet more nuances. And writing them down means I stop composing the same mental posts of meta all the time, so that frees up a little brain space, and also future!me will have things to read to be like "wow past!me so smart" or "wow past!me missed that point so hard."

1) Mental illness hard

I think I was just not tired enough back in the day, and had less life experience. I believe I was either all on board for "Kana destroys any further support she could have provided for Hatori by being consumed with guilt over the fact that she did protect Hatori from injury, for the TRAGEDY", or else it was "Kana should realize that this is counterproductive, focus on what she can do and better to have loved and lost, and recover."

This is Fruits Basket. It isn't dramatic for the sake of cheap drama, it is dramatic because it's genuine and feelings that seem stupid and nonsensical are in fact sharply distressing and overwhelming and can drown you. Therefore, I have to take it in good faith that if Kana simply cannot recover while she's with Hatori, if Kana's depression and trauma are crushing her, then that is in fact literally the case. Whether Kana was already struggling with things, or whether this whole incident was on its own too much, it's still valid.

If Kana can't cope, then Kana would never have been able to cope no matter how much she could have "tried harder."

It's not her fault. And like everyone, Kana deserves to be able to live and thrive in an environment where she is not constantly distressed, constantly feeling guilty/being made to feel guilty over things that are outside of her control, constantly unable to get away from things that trigger obsessive thought spirals, constantly not getting the support she needs in order to be able to take care of herself, let alone Hatori.

Remember: the number 1 rule of helping people is to absolutely not let them drown you. Sometimes you gotta leave them and come back later when you can get a flotation device or something, even if it looks almost identical to leaving them to drown. Choosing to prioritize yourself by swimming away to get the help you need is not the same thing as having a huge and ridiculously empty lifeboat(s) but refusing to let anyone else in it (the latter being capitalist hellscape: a metaphor). It sucks but it's true.

(And Hatori is first in line in the "I don't blame Kana for needing this and for putting her own health and well-being first" camp.)

2) Kana: "Zero regrets." Akito: *injures Hatori's eye* Kana: "1 regret."

I believe Tokyopop's line was "It would have been better if we had never met." The typical implication inferred from that being, I believe, "I regret that I met you."

Went and grabbed the volume now to look at the themes….early in the relationship Kana talks about how Hatori must have been scared, of course he'd distance himself from someone he loved, but there's no need to be scared, don't push me away, I'm happy I met you, I want to be near you. So it's very much feels like an about-face when it ends with Kana saying "I think it would have been better if we had never met," even with things like "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you" sprinkled in.

The reboot dub has different nuances to me. I believe the line is more like "This wouldn't have happened if we had never met." The typical implication inferred from that being, I believe, "I regret that you got hurt because we were together."

And I think that distinction is very important for not feeling betrayed by Kana leaving and moving on, for not feeling that Kana didn't put much effort in really. "I'd never regret meeting you" to "I definitely regret meeting you" is a bad look here. "I'd never regret our relationship" to "I regret that our relationship hurt you" is a very different flavor. And the latter is certainly implied in the manga too it's just that the lines, without context, tend to have harsher default implications.

I also feel like "I want to be near you" is half an argument, arguing back against the idea that Kana does not in fact want this. Yes it references back to Hatori keeping his distance because he's afraid of the curse being discovered, but I feel like the emphasis on want has me always read it as Kana repudiating an off-screen earlier comment by Hatori that of course no one wants to be near him he is cursed and a monster and turns into a seahorse. The answer to that being, too bad you're not actually unlovable I actually do want to be near you.

I believe the reboot dub line was, simply, "I want to be with you" or something like that, with no particular emphasis on want. So the import of the sentence to me falls on To Be With You. Look I'll flesh out better what I'm trying to get at here in the next section, eventually:

3) Y'all I'm not sure Kana was actually let go from her job???

I have, in the past, been guilty of thinking that Kana ought to stick things out the way Hatori clearly stuck things out.

I have, in more recent years, realized that this is probably not a sticking-it-out kind of situation.

I mean, let's say section 1 was not an issue. AU where Kana magically gets cured of her depression after waiting it out long enough, somehow, even though that makes no sense because environmental factors are still at play. Actually that's what this section is about. Environment.

Let's have an analogy. A hypothetical you has a house plant that has thrived for a good long time, seemingly with no special effort, and you put it in a pitch black room, and it struggles for a while and dies. What the hell, the analogy!you says, somehow not knowing why this happened and thus feeling very righteously indignant. This plant has always thrived so well before and now it just gave up and died on me for no reason at all??? Oh yeah it has "problems" well how can it have "problems" now when it's never had "problems" before??? The thing this analogy!you has failed to understand is that plants need sun to grow (also needing sun to grow is not a "problem" it is not a "design flaw" and it is certainly not a sudden new occurrence), you deliberately placed the plant in an environment where you deprived it of sun, and then you blamed it for dying when you were the one who refused to give it the sun you had always given it before that had allowed it to thrive.

(This is also an analogy about ableism, if you were wondering about the sudden fervent passion there. An analogy about internalized ableism and support and capitalist hellscapes. I am, in fact, bitter. Thank you for noticing :)

Actually before I get to my point I want to collect together a sketch of Hatori and Kana's relationship based on the very blurry reference image that is canon, because otherwise I don't remember these things and can't keep them in place long enough to connect any dots:

Hatori and Kana's entire relationship is the span of about 1 year. Per the collector's timeline they meet in "winter," and ask to get married the following "fall-winter", and Kana leaves the Souma later that same winter.

They are probably just out of college, Hatori should be like 22-23 which I can assure you, from 30+ years, means they are babies. Looking back at my own life experience I can tell you in hindsight that it is definitely true that your brain does not finish developing until closer to 25 and sure "puberty" kind of peters out by the end of high school but from about 17 to 25 was an absolutely horrific brain puberty of idk mental illness??? It wasn't exactly the autism, that's always been steady, but the "anxiety disorder that picked up speed until I would have guaranteed multiple panic attacks a day every day with palpitations, vision blurring, extremities going numb, vertigo, disordered breathing, terror, and the absolute urgent conviction that I would throw up right there all over the customer's groceries and knowing I would get yelled at for running away and disappearing in the bathroom in the middle of an order since I never did in fact throw up so let's hope this time isn't the time it happens!, all while holding down a 40 hour constant-customer-service job" waxed to a terrible peak (let's see actually when we got the car I was 22 and I remember it was bad but hadn't fully crested yet at that time) and waned in that time and has since stopped existing somewhere past about 25. I can still technically have panic attacks but no longer have a separate panic disorder, and the fact that it was temporary plus the timing makes me think it was the brain equivalent of your knees hurting because you got tall. The point being, Hatori and Kana are old enough that people go "ah yes they are adults" but they are actually they are children whose prefrontal cortexes or whatever are still disasters. The point being Kana is a precious early-20s baby whose brain and body betrayed her horribly.

Hatori hasn't had an assistant in the years since, so I'm not sure if he asked for an assistant and was given Kana (and after was like "welp never doing that again, I can manage on my own somehow"), or if someone in Kana's immediately family was like "the job market is hard, please nepotism" and convinced Akito to magnanimously bestow the position upon Kana even though it wasn't necessary. That's probably not relevant. What is relevant is that after a certain point Kana starts laying out Hatori's clothes for him to wear in the morning because Hatori, a man after my own heart, hates making outfits to get dressed in the morning and thinks a suit is an all-purpose adult uniform so as to make the process easier and even then would rather someone just picked out his clothes for him. This means that they are either having "sleepovers" on the regular or Kana has fully moved into Hatori's place.

I think I started questioning whether Kana got fired from her job or not upon Akito vetoing the engagement because the reboot places her in Hatori's office for the line about no matter what Hatori said or did Kana did nothing but cry. Why that specific setting, rather than, say, the atmospherically dark and barren room that Mayu later visits Kana in? Is it because Hatori is a doctor and he is trying to treat Kana's illness? Is this simply before Kana stops being able to get out of bed? Did Akito say a huge fuck-you to Kana by informing her in no uncertain terms that Kana has no future with Hatori and must keep her hands off Hatori, but still must show up to work every day instead of being instantly banished? I assume Kana was originally "outside" family, but the room Mayuko visits Kana in seems to be "inside" still since Shigure had to sneak her in.

Which makes me suspect that Akito kept Kana close to really make a point before ultimately driving Kana away, instead of sending Kana away immediately.

Back to environment after that very long tangent. If this is the case, that's a really horrible bullshit situation. That is not a stick-it-out situation.

Every day, wake up in the room that was previously your room, instead of in your boyfriend's room which has been yours for many months. Have you had enough spoons to start moving your things back into your place? Existing is hard, now you are crying again. Get up and go to work, where it's just you and the man you love, the man you still love, the man you have been told in no uncertain terms that you have no future with. You will never get married. The head of the family will never sanction your marriage and the man you love will never marry you without that approval. The man you love will never leave this family. (Hatori has probably been honest and open about that, because it is True.) Feel guilty that you fucked up, that because you love this man and you want to be with him his eye is permanently injured and you both have to live with the knowledge that you can never be together. Feel guilty that you should have seen this coming (there was a reason you didn't openly admit you were in a relationship until you actually asked for permission to marry). Blame yourself, because who else is there to blame? It's not Hatori's fault, you know that, Hatori is the victim here. Hatori says he doesn't blame you, but Hatori also doesn't blame Akito, the person who is tormenting the two of you and who physically hurt Hatori. Hatori literally agrees that Akito is justified and that Hatori knew he was betraying Akito by being in a relationship with you. And Akito openly blames you at length. Based on all evidence you can see, based on the abusive environment you are in, it is clear to you that you are in fact to blame for everything that happened to the two of you. You thought you were making Hatori's life better, you thought the two of you would be happy, but that is clearly not the case and you certainly can't undo it all or make things better now.

There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Things will never get better with time. Akito's mind will not be changed. Hatori's mind will not be changed.

(That leaves Kana. She can either bend—change, accept the end of this relationship, leave—or she can break. She does both, but in reverse order.)

This is not like Yuki, sticking things out until he meets Tohru, until he meets Kakeru, and his world opens up and his mom relents on controlling his future. He had no guarantee the light was there, but he decided it might be and walked for long enough to find it.

This is like Kyouko, trying to stick it out to stay with Tohru but unable to overcome blunt force trauma and blood loss. This is like Kyou, who says the worst thing he can think of to prevent Tohru from confessing she loves him, because he knows they can never be happy together because he will be locked in a shed on the Souma property until he dies and Tohru will not be allowed to step foot on the estate. These are not situations you can wait out.

(This is also like Tohru, who does want Kyou to do what makes him happy because she loves him as a person, who knows she can be okay with Kyou loving someone else because she genuinely wants that for him. But not right now, right now she is not at all okay, right now she is recovering from a head injury and she's only a teenager and she hasn't processed and she can't just stop feeling her feelings no matter how much she tries to repress them and she can't cope and she cries every time she hears Kyou's name even though she knows this isn't the end of her life and her happiness. Being able to be okay in the future is not at all the same as being okay now.)

"I want to be with you," Kana said. But she can show up to Hatori's office every single day for the rest of her life and she will never, ever be with him. Being in the same room is not, in fact, the same thing as being with him.

I think the despair and depression eventually would have gotten to Hatori as well. I think it is a matter of Hatori simply being a different person, as well as having different life expectations. Kana has, presumably, always expected to marry a man she was wildly in love with and have a family. Hatori has, presumably, always been told that he will become a doctor, have a perfunctory marriage and a perfunctory child if Akito approves. (Hatori was the first one to tell Akito he was seeing someone, so until that incident they were all unaware that Akito was not actually going to let any Zodiacs marry anyone.)

For Hatori, falling in love with Kana was an unexpected surprise and Akito ripping them apart was a sudden-but-inevitable-betrayal and a return to the status quo. For Kana, falling in love with Hatori was exactly as expected and Akito ripping them apart came out of nowhere with no logic and was not something she would ever have predicted or been able to see coming.

So while it was still also traumatic for Hatori, I think it affected him differently. I think it was a thing he could more readily cope with, at the time. And once he made the decision to suppress Kana's memories, Hatori suddenly saw the light at the end of the tunnel. This was the only way out for both of them. His life would be the same as he'd always expected, and now Kana's life would be again, too. She wouldn't be heartsick anymore over her destroyed relationship with Hatori; at worst, she'd have the idea of an unreciprocated crush, a fantasy that never panned out (not a reality that turned out to be unsustainable), disappointing but still status quo. She would leave this godawful family and go out of town. She would have the opportunity to meet someone else under circumstances where she could be happy.

So even though it broke his heart to do it, I think Hatori didn't feel trapped as soon as suppressing Kana's memories became a real option. Life is so much easier to bear when you have the option of an escape route. No matter what the situation is, if you're trapped and you have no options it's absolutely intolerable and you're consumed with how horrible and intolerable it is and how much you want to get out but you can't get out and every day it's harder to breath and you can't look ahead at all because you have no hope of things ever changing. It's Kana getting set free that allows Hatori to cope with a future where he has no prospect of a happy marriage, that allows Hatori to cherish his memories of his relationship with Kana instead of being hurt by them.

I think if the possibility of Kana getting her memories suppressed and sent away had not been on the table, sooner or later Hatori would have fallen prey to his own despair-spiral.

Anyway...I can't remember if I had any more thoughts to elaborate on...this has been a very long post to say "it's important to remember that life sucks".

Welp after that wall of Sad Kana Hours I think I'm going to want ready access to previous shenanigans!Kana posts:

shenanigans!Kana toasts her former boss hot doctor at his wedding to her bff

shenanigans!Kana and Momiji are amazing I love them

#fruits basket #fb all #fb mine #fic: consider for AO3 #fb kana #anyway i'm rewatching and i hope to have energy to write down all the thoughts i have had for years and keep rehaving but have no time haha

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