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talesofstyles · 3 years

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Good Morning Indeed

absolutely no plot whatsoever, just a bit of husband and dad harry in the midst of the family’s morning chaos 😂

Harry

“Go get the condom on.”

“I’ll pull out, I promise.”

“Your pull out game is weak.”

“Oi, them’s fightin’ words.”

“There’s a reason we’ve got six kids.” Says the missus with a roll of those pretty—but sometimes deadly (please don’t tell her I said this)—eyes. “‘Sides, I’ve just changed the sheets yesterday. You are not coming on the sodding sheets.”

“Fine,” I sigh and reach down to the bedside table. Why is the drawer filled with sodding Duplo and those tiny, pricey Sylvanian Family bunnies? I’m guessing kid number two, three and four have something to do with that. A few more seconds of rummaging before I finally found my treasure in the very back of the drawer. I lay on my back as I sheath myself up, and seeing as I’m already here… might as well, right? I smirk at her as I say, “hop on then.”

“Fat chance that,” she mutters. “Do I have to take off my top?”

“Nah,” I shake my head, it’s cold, and I’m a considerate husband. “A flash will do. Just give me a visual.”

She rolls up my shirt that she wears to sleep, a really old white rolling stones t-shirt that has two holes and a loose thread hanging on for dear life from the hem. She looks homeless. Gorgeous homeless though.

“Nice,” I flash her a boyish grin, like a teenage boy seeing his first pair of tits. “You’ve got great racks.”

“You’re just saying that…”

I know what she sees when she looks at herself in the mirror and I wish she could look at herself through my eyes.

“Hey, don’t you dare. My babies grew in that body, that’s everything.”

Her tender smile hits me right in the gut. “I love you.”

“Love me enough to ride me?” I say with a playful flick to one nipple.

“Nice try.”

“I love you,” I mutter near her mouth and give her a searing kiss. I run my tongue over her bottom lip, then I kiss her down her neck, her cleavage and her breasts. I slowly circle one nipple, and she giggles, knowing it’s a well-rehearsed move that is guaranteed to do what’s needed. See, her tits are kind of like start buttons. No matter the situation, a little attention to those bad boys switches things around real quick. Her head slams back against the pillow. And she moans, holding my head in place.

We’ve got ignition lads.

I nestle my body on top of hers, and there’s a bit of wayward angling and poking until I find my way inside of her. And then it’s on. Two bodies writhing on the bed. My hips rotate in long, slow circles.

“Bollocks!”

“What? The condom isn’t broken, is it?”

“No, it’s bin day. I forgot to take out the recycling bin.”

“S’fine, we’ve got time before the school run.”

The bin’s sorted, back to the shag…

I slide my hands under her, bringing us closer. Rocking us faster. My forehead hovers close to hers and I open my eyes so I can watch. What can I say? I’m greedy like that. I want to soak up every gasp, every flicker of pleasure across her face. Pleasure I’m giving her.

Her breathing changes. It turns panting and desperate, and I know she’s close. I move harder, grinding against her, inside her, with every forward push. Warms sparks tickle my spine and heat spreads down until every nerve in my body is shaking. I slam inside her, burying deep as her hips jerk upward. She spasms hard around me, gripping me tight.

I rock back my hips and pull almost all the way out, but then I freeze. Because a dreaded sound echoes across the room, grabbing our full attention. It’s coming from the baby monitor. It’s a rustling, the sound of cotton rubbing cotton. Like snipers in the jungle, we don’t move a muscle. We don’t say a word. We wait, until the rustling stops. And all is quiet again.

Too bad it’s not for long. Because two thrusts in, a light comes on in the landing. Followed by small footsteps heading down the stairs. Shit.

“Harry, just come already. They’ll all be up soon.”

“I’m close… don’t rush it, you’re scaring it away.”

She grinds her hips. Also another well-rehearsed move that she knows will get me off. But I freeze again, because there’s a second set of footsteps and the sound of a toilet flushing. Oh, and the babies next door are starting to whimper.

Great.

“I’M HUNGRY!” That’s James, darling little cockblocker number four who likes to be fed on time. He’s three.

“WE’LL BE OUT IN A SECOND!” My wife shouts over my shoulder. “Harry for the love of god-”

I pick up the rhythm. Small beads of sweat form on my brow. She grinds her hips again, and I try to focus. “Just like that, fuck, keep doing that.”

“Sshh, keep your voice down.”

“IS THERE ANY BREAD THAT ISN’T 50/50?” That’s Eleanor, child number two. She’s seven, and she’s one of those children who seem to possess a discernible palate that knows when we’ve changed brands of baked beans or attempt to bring sugar-free fruit squash through the doors.

“IT’S THE SAME,” I reply.

“NO, IT’S NOT. DO WE HAVE OTHER FOOD?”

“THERE ARE SHREDDIES.”

“DON’T LIKE ‘EM.”

“PORRIDGE.”

“I’M NOT A BEAR!”

Honestly, seven-year-olds gunning for a fight this early in the morning can go do one.

The babies are starting to gather volume next door so I try to focus again. It only takes a few more thrusts before ecstasy wrecks my body, making me shudder. I press my lips against her neck as I come back down to earth. But I don’t move yet. I know we should get going because things are already chaotic outside our door, but I just don’t have the will yet. I’m considering going back to sleep for a minute or two. She won’t mind, will she? Well, I’m wrong. Because she proceeds to perform the move that seems to amuse every sodding woman on earth. And causes every man to squeal like a bloody pig. Without warning, she uses her powerful muscle to squeeze my extremely sensitive cock.

Girls, grab a piece of paper and write this down. I’m speaking on behalf of every man to walk on earth here; we hate that. We don’t think it’s funny.

I jerk back, pull out, and roll off her. I try to look annoyed as she giggles, and obviously I fail, because that freshly fucked, flushed-face makes it impossible not to grin back.

“CAN I HAVE JAFFA CAKE?” That’s Victoria, child number three. She’s five, and she’s yelling as she thunders up the stairs.

“JAFFA CAKE ISN’T BREAKFAST,” my wife shouts back as she sits up and hands me a nappy sack. “Harry…”

I wrap up the condom with it and toss it to the bin. “You’ve just taken me life force, woman, give me a moment.”

“CUSTARD CREAM?”

“NO.” We shout in unison.

“HOBNOB THEN?”

“STAY AWAY FROM THE BISCUIT TIN!”

“You want to wrestle a biscuit-hunting kid out of a cupboard and 50/50 bread drama or fussy babies with full nappies?”

“Babies.” I hear a small child get whacked by a sibling downstairs and I feel like I may have got the better deal here.

Next door, the twins are not happy. They’re six months old now, and they’re both teething. Thing one glares at me as I walk into their nursery and thing two stares at me stroppily from the corner of her cot. Their cheeks are scarlet, and thing one proceeds to bark at me like a seal. I pick his warm, sleepy, cuddly body and cradle it close to mine as I lay him down on the changing table. I smell the dampness. It’s definitely wee. He’s soaked through, I think I didn’t tuck his willy in when I last changed him around three in the morning so it sprayed in some upward motion and drenched his clothes. See, this is why girls are better than boys. There’s no way they can pee upwards.

After I put a fresh nappy and a change of clothes, I put him down on the rug so he can wiggle around while I grab his sister and sort her out. After six kids, I’m definitely a pro with baby duty and can practically change their clothes one-handed. The whole thing takes only a few minutes.

I cuddle the babies on each side as I walk downstairs and into the kitchen. They immediately reach out to their mum who’s cracking some eggs as soon as they spot her, knowing she’s the only one who can cure their hunger this morning.

“Uniforms!” She says to the big kids as she takes one baby into her arms. “We’ll do breakfast after. Please, please, please…”

Desperate pleas lead them to saunter out and up the stairs. I follow my wife into the living room and hand her the other baby as she plops down on the couch. She rolls up her shirt and the babies latch instantly. Tandem nursing is harder now that they’re a little older and aware of their surroundings. They’re trying to scratch each other’s faces as they nurse. “Oi, what’s this? You each get a tit, stop fighting.”

They seem to somehow listen to me and have stopped trying to poke each other’s eyeballs. We’ll see how long that lasts. “Finish the eggs?”

I nod. “I’m on it.”

I brew some coffee, finish the scrambled eggs, and pop the slices after slices of bread in the toaster. Breakfast is done just in time as my wife walks back into the kitchen with two full and happy babies. She puts them in their high chairs and I scoop a bit of eggs on each of their trays for them to nibble on.

George appears back in the kitchen clad in his uniform with his also dressed brother trailing behind. We always lay his clothes the night before on his bed and he gets dressed all by himself in the morning. And he’s getting better at it, seeing he only missed a button on his shirt.

“Hi mate,” I say as I fix his button and he flashes a toothy grin at me. I plop him down on the chair, he’s graduated from the high chair now but still uses a booster seat.

“No toast!”

“What do you want then?”

“Chee-yos?”

I nod before I grab a handful of cheerios and set them on his plate next to his eggs. Then I take a few steps back across the table. “Hey, James, set it up.”

He flashes me another toothy grin before he opens his mouth wide and keeps it open. I hold a single Cheerio between my fingers while I bend my knees and bounce my hand as if I were dribbling a basketball. “Three seconds left on the clock, down by one. Styles got the ball. He fakes left, he drives in, he shoots…”

I toss the Cheerios in a high arc. It lands right into his mouth.

“He scores! The crowd goes wild!”

James holds both hands over his head. “Core!”

“Viv stole the biscuit tin, you know? She ate three jammie dodgers upstairs.” Eleanor says as she walks in with book bags and school shoes.

George, seeing his sister walks in, proceeds to open his mouth wide and flashes her the half-chewed eggs on his tongue. It’s his current thing and it annoys his sisters to death. The young’uns think differently though as they double over in laughter.

“Eeewww!” She shrieks. “You’re so gross!”

“VICTORIA, PUT THAT BISCUIT TIN DOWN AND GET YOUR BUTT IN THE KITCHEN! AND GO GET THEM HAIR TIE THINGIES…”

“I didn’t have any biscuits!” She yells and runs down the stairs.

This kid is the quintessential daddy’s girl. She climbs up onto my lap right away, handing me the brush and a hair tie.

“See, poppet, I would’ve believed you if you didn’t leave evidence all over your face,” I arch one of my eyebrows as I sweep a speck of raspberry jam on the corner of her mouth.

“You always do a ponytail,” she huffs.

“Either that or I give you a bowl cut with kitchen scissors. I reckon that fruit bowl will do. Your choice.”

“Can I have some more eggs?” George asks with his mouth full of his last bite.

“God, that’s like your third serving,” Eleanor grumbles.

“Nag.”

At that insult, Eleanor flings a piece of toast like a ninja. Before George can retaliate, my wife gives them both the look.

“Viv, will you at least have some eggs?”

“No.”

“Fine,” my wife sighs. “I’m gonna get changed then.”

I glance at the clock and, well, shit, I should get dressed too. “Can you lot watch the babies and try not to kill each other for the next five minutes?”

“Five quid each?” Eleanor tries to negotiate. “Babysitting isn’t supposed to be free, you know? That sounds like child labour to me.”

Bollocks.

“Two quid each,” I give her my dad look that says the offer is final and indisputable.

“Deal.”

#harry styles #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #dad harry imagines #dad harry styles #dad!harry #husband!harry #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles ff #harry styles one shot #the styles gang

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shinjaeha · 2 years

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bad buddy ep 5 (thoughts)

i was just gonna keep all my feelings inside of me (like pran) but i caved bc i’ve been rewatching ep 5 for DAYS and i know everyone and their mother has already talked about it and analysed it to pieces so this is just me being self-indulgent bc i just want to ramble (write?) about the things that i loved so much about this ep for my own wellbeing...and bc i can’t stop thinking about this show ;;; i prob should have done this earlier considering we’re like less than 24 hours away from ep 6 but oh well.

i’ve seen some people question how pran seemed totally fine in the morning after ep 4, but it makes total sense to me. i don’t think there was ever really a moment where pran thought pat could like him back in the same way...maybe there was some inkling of hope, but i don’t think he ever really believed it. in their high school flashback, pran mentions that pat’s always ended up with whoever he likes, so we know that pran’s seen pat with other love interests in high school (and we know how pran’s had feelings for pat since high school too). so pat liking ink, although heartbreaking for pran, isn’t really that much a of a surprise for him? he prob feels like it’s inevitable. he’s been dealing with these feelings for YEARS at this point, so it’s become easy enough to just bury what he feels and pretend like everything’s normal. he’s done it all this time already so it’s nothing new. he resigned himself to pat never liking him back a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean that pat still can’t get to him bc in the breakfast scene you can literally see this poor boy struggle so hard to be mad at pat and fail bc he’s just too soft for him. even when he’s being annoying, pat’s too cute. pran builds up all these defences, but pat always has this way of slipping through the cracks in his walls bc he’s in love with him and he just can’t help it no matter how hard he tries (or pretends) to be annoyed/mad at pat.

pran’s sketchbook full of drawings relating to pat is ADORABLE.

pat and paa’s relationship is the cutest!! they really feel like siblings, and i love all their scenes together.

i know the paa’s love guru checklist isn’t anything new for a romance drama, but i absolutely love the way they executed it in this. from the embarrassment of pat getting absolutely NO response that ink likes him in any way whatsoever (like, she very clearly showed much more interest in paa...so inkpaa when??), to meeting pran at the music shop and then it registering for him that he can tick off every single thing paa’s told him when it comes to pran (you see the way he almost involuntarily started smiling when he was watching pran with that guitar????? he’s got it bad). they killed two birds with one stone with this trope. we now know ink is not interested in him at all, but HE’s starting to realise that his feelings for pran aren’t just platonic. it was very heart fluttery rom com type stuff and i loved it.

also, pat might be confused, but it’s telling that he immediately ditched ink and paa to go pick up his drumsticks on their ‘date’. you think he would have ditched pran like that?? there’s no way whatsoever 😂 not when all pat ever does is think up ways he can spend more time with pran.

it’s actually so cute to me how, once pat’s realised that he might actually have feelings for pran, he constantly tries to confirm whether it’s really true or not. he might be kind of dense when it comes to his love life, but he’s not afraid to feel what he feels. he’s not afraid to explore (or better understand) his feelings as soon as realises he might have them. he’s just such a straightforward, sincere character.

compare what pat said in ep 1 about how pran’s mum would blame him for pran getting into a fight with how pran talks about how much his mum loves wai though :((( he knows he’ll never win against wai when it comes to pran’s parents but pat just wants to feel special to pran in some way. which is why he asks whether wai’s slept over before...and he can’t even have that. it’s also why the song they wrote together is such a big deal to him later on.

god, i adore their high school flashback scenes SO MUCH. there’s such a sense of innocence there...they’re just these two kids that want to be around each other, that want to be FRIENDS, but they can’t bc of their families. like this will obviously take on a whole new meaning later on, but for now it’s just sad bc it’s such a pure, simple wish for the both of them that that can’t have. yet, they’re still drawn to each other. and it’s cute how it’s always music that’s bringing them together. back then when they were in the school band, and again in the present to compete in the freshy day concert (and when pat gave pran back his guitar). it’s music, specifically their song, that ties them together.

i’m also in love with the way that we keep getting these little glimpses of the past with the flashbacks. like each new ep, we get another puzzle piece to put into place as we slowly piece together what happened back then. why pran ended up having to transfer (bc i think we all know that it’s more than just pat and pran being in the same band together), and just how close they really were.

i also love how perceptive paa is when it comes to her brother. it’s so sweet.

the concert performance where pran plays their song and pat starts realising that all his past memories hold a much deeper meaning to him than he originally thought is just a+++ i love the way he starts out remembering all these happy, fond memories (them writing the song together, them playing together in their music room), but as SOON as pran turns to wai and they start smiling and playing their instruments at each other, he remembers that pran used to look at HIM that way (the flashback where you see pran looking down at pat and smiling at him from pat’s pov where he’s playing the drums DEVASTATED me), and his memories take a darker turn (pran’s parents arriving and pran leaving the stage so they can’t even finish their song together, the last time they saw each other before pran got transferred). of course it’s jealousy, but it runs so much deeper than that.

ink is the BEST. the female characters on this show are absolutely wonderful. from the teaser, i had always assumed that pat would ‘confess’ to her earlier in the ep, but i kind of love that he did it here bc it shows that he didn’t just move on/rebound with pran after being rejected. he’s been harbouring these feelings for pran for so long without realising, but now it’s all hitting him like a ton of bricks and he’s just so confused. esp when all this time he thought it was INK that he had feelings for (and maybe he even kind of did in high school, but that’s clearly not the case anymore). i love that ink just gets it. understands poor pat is going through it rn, needs to offload, and it’s not really her that he’s actually into. i also really love that pat apologises to her after she rejects him since he really could have played with her feelings too had she liked him back in that way. their friendship is just so wholesome :’)

one of my fave things about this ep is how it escalates. it starts of cute and light (esp after the angst of the ep 4 ending), but then gets progressively more angsty and tension heavy as pat slowly realises and comes to terms with his feelings. the last 16 mins of this ep are a work of ART. everything that’s happened in this ep was all for this confrontation and it gives me goosebumps just thinking about how amazingly executed everything is.

so let’s talk about the fight scene!! what gets me about this is that pat wasn’t even waiting for pran to fight him. he wouldn’t have bought the condensed milk for pran if he was there to fight. he literally just wanted to be with him. after losing the contest to the architecture faculty (to the song THEY wrote together), seeing pran and wai performing to completion all happy, having to back down from the previous fight at wai’s bar, getting drunk, and the steady realisation that he actually has feelings for pran...ALL HE WANTS is to spend time with pran. he’s even trying to sober himself up while he waits.

but then he checks his phone and sees the ig story and it’s another reminder of everything that he can’t have with pran. he can’t hang out with him like that in public like wai can, let alone post about it on ig for everyone to see. and i think this is where it really starts to hit pat just how unfair all of this really is. he’s bitterly jealous of wai, but that jealousy isn’t just bc he’s possessive, or thinks that pran is his in any way. it’s bc wai gets to have all these simple moments with pran. gets to go over to his house, have pran’s mum love him, sing their song together, hang out with him in public, post about their relationship on ig, etc.

so when he sees wai driving pran back home, it’s like the last straw for him. in his eyes, wai is encroaching on pat/pran’s territory (the dorms). the one place where pat and pran can be themselves without worrying about anybody else. where they don’t have to pretend that they hate each other. these feelings have been festering inside of him, and though it’s taken him much longer to realise his feelings than pran, pat can’t sit on them or hide them away the way that pran can. he’s ready to explode. so the only trigger he needs is pran putting up the act again in front of wai, pretending like there’s nothing between them. it’s the one thing that pat’s most insecure about. pat’s such a confident person in everything else that it must be kind of unsettling for him to feel inferior like this bc they have to keep their relationship a secret. he didn’t come to fight but bc wai’s there, pran expects them to play their roles, but pat’s no longer following the script. he’s so far gone, so angry and jealous, that he can’t hold it inside anymore.

the tension in this scene is fantastic. the first time i watched it, i was SO worried that pat was gonna do something stupid bc he seemed crazed (ohm is soooooo good in this scene wow), but i’m glad that it didn’t turn out the way i was thinking. despite how mad he is, pat’s generally on the defensive with pran. he literally put his hands up in front of him when pran grabs shirt (he really doesn’t want to fight/hurt pran), and he only punches wai when wai punches him first.

then when it’s all said and done, the tension melts away, and the reality of what happens hits in and it hurts. it hurts bc pat has never truly wanted to fight pran/make pran angry. when he takes out the condensed milk, it’s like another reminder of why he even waited for pran in the first place. the thing is, pat is constantly doing these nice gestures for pran all bc he just wants to see him (and care for him), but he always needs an excuse. he can’t just go over to pran’s place bc he WANTS to like any of pran’s other friends. it always has to be under the guise of something else (eg. bruise cream, makeup remover, earphones, medicine, lost keys, condensed milk, etc.). and the realisation of that, esp knowing now that he has romantic feelings for pran, stings.

it’s also why the song is as important to him as it is. it’s the one piece of the two of them that he could say was theirs. the one thing that they created together, all by themselves, untouched by their family rivalry. but pran sang it (uninterrupted this time) with wai. replaced him with wai, who already gets all the perks of being in pran’s life that pat can never have bc of every external force pulling them apart.

i love that he really tries to sober himself up after this. that he has the presence of mind to take a shower to clear his head and heart (and prob to smell nice for pran too 😭), and to figure out what to say to pran after what happened. pat thinks and acts with his heart, but he also knows when he needs to calm down and reevaluate himself. he doesn’t want this to end in a fight.

what can i even say about the infamous rooftop scene at this point that hasn’t already been said a millions times over?? i have watched this scene so many times that it’s a wonder it hasn’t been tattooed into the folds of my brain yet. it’s just so BEAUTIFUL.

when he brings up the song, we know it’s important and he means it, but when he says “i hate to see you play it with someone else”, he’s clearly talking about more than just the song. it’s a coded way of saying that he doesn’t like seeing pran with other people in the way that he can’t be with pran. but it’s like he’s still not daring to say what he really means out loud and pran knows it. pran sees it as another one of the jokes/misdirects that he’s so used to from pat, and he calls him out on it with the “pat, you’ve got to stop doing this to me, we’re not a thing, we’re not even friends” line.

not to mention, he thinks that pat’s still courting ink at this point. pat’s been so strange this whole ep, it must have been so confusing for pran since he had no idea about any of the inner turmoil pat’s been going through the past few days.

when pat starts with the “when you’re away, i was so damn happy” you can see the heartbreak in pran and it’s so painful. how he looks away when pat starts listing the reasons he was happy pran wasn’t there...but then he hits him with the “it was so depressingly lonely” and you see the look in pran’s eyes change as he looks back at pat, like he’s only now realising it wasn’t just him that was hurting this whole time (nanon is PHENOMENAL). honestly, this line holds so much more meaning when you rewatch ep 1 again and see the expressions on their faces when they see each other again for the first time in years. i love when shows do this. when they introduce something later down the line that gives a significance to an interaction that didn’t hold as much meaning initially, or that you brushed past previously. i also love that the way he goes from “i was so damn happy” to “i was depressingly lonely” is the opposite of pat’s usual jokes/misdirects. instead of taking the hope away from pran at the end, he gives it back to him this time.

i think it’s safe to say that he’s always been in love/had feelings for pran, but never really given himself the chance to think about those feelings deeply until he started seeing all his past interactions with pran under a different lens. but they’ve likely always been there, which is why it hits him so hard JUST how much pran means to him, and just how lonely and devoid of pran he’s been over the years they weren’t together.

ALSO, if you think about it, it’s really their parents fault that they became so obsessed with each other in the first place?? imagine constantly having to compete and keep up to date with the boy next door. you’d have to know just about everything about him. they were essentially brainwashed by their parents to hate each other, but bc they’re decent human beings who grew up and realised that there was no substance behind that hatred (esp after pran saved paa), they started to get to know each other better. they just got caught in the crossfire of their parents’ war with one another. it breaks my heart that their parents have given them so much trauma that they’re so afraid (esp pran) that someone will find out about their relationship.

when i watched this the first time, i thought pran was the first to cry...but on closer inspection it was actually pat and that makes me feel some kind of way :(

“why, do you want us to be friends?” “no”. i will NEVER be over this. ever ever ever.

the hesitancy before the kiss ties back to their whole conversation in that high school flashback about the nervousness and insecurity of not knowing whether it’ll turn out good or bad and it adds so much more depth to this already stunning scene. the hesitation shows that they KNOW what this means. they’re crossing this invisible line that they’ve been toeing all this time, and they can’t take it back once it’s done. pat can’t joke/flirt like it doesn’t mean anything after this. pran might try to hide his feelings away, but he can’t deny that he ever gave in (pat won’t ever let him). once it’s done, it’s done. but nothing can stop the full force of their feelings at this point, even if they know it’s impossible. pran can’t push this feeling down anymore bc it’s too overwhelming. he’s wanted this for so long. like in ep 4 where he lets himself have this one moment of vulnerability (to cry), he pulls pat back into the kiss...just this one moment where he can give in to his feelings properly before everything comes crashing down to earth. but pran kissing pat back immediately also shows pat just how much pran wants it too even if he won’t say it out loud.

i love that their kiss suits their dynamic perfectly. it’s always this give and take between them. pat acts first (as he always does)...and his intention is slightly different bc he’s testing the waters, confirming that his feelings for pran are really what he thinks they are. pran already knows how he feels so he takes action bc he’s never been a passive participant in their relationship either. it’s genuinely one of the reasons that i love the both of them so much. everything is on an equal footing with them. it’s my fave kind of relationship dynamic.

the rock score they used for this scene is also so perfect bc the drums and guitar playing represents the both of them coming together, and it echoes back to how music is always the thing that brings them back together again in some way.

notice how after pat kisses pran (before pran pulls him back again), his eyes are still closed, but pran opens his first. it’s like it symbolises that he’s the one that’s more aware of the reality of their situation.

they’re just at such different stages at this point. pat has JUST woken up to his feelings, so the kiss is everything clicking into place for him. him realising that THIS is how it’s supposed to feel...and that his feelings are reciprocated!! pran, on the other hand, has known how he’s felt about pat for so long now that he’s had all the time in the world to think about the consequences of what would happen if they were hypothetically in a relationship (since i don’t think he ever truly believed they would ever be in one until this moment). esp since pran was the one that was hurt the most from those consequences when he was transferred in high school.

it’s the heartbreak of pran finally having what his heart wants, but knowing realistically that it’s not enough. he’d likely made peace with pat never feeling anything back for him years ago only for this to happen. but it’s so much worse when you’ve gotten a taste of something that you can’t have bc now you know what it’s like. to someone like pran, who cares so much about the people around him (always trying to please his family and friends), unrequited love is better than reciprocated love. if it’s unrequited, he’s the only one that’s suffering. but if the both of them have feelings for each other, if they’re both in love, then the future is only going to bring them both misery. pran’s been though this once before, and he can’t go through it again. he esp doesn’t want PAT to have to go through it too. so he walks away, pushing the feelings down again bc he can’t let anyone else find out.

pat and pran are the perfect example of an ‘opposites attract’ relationship done well. pran is a perpetual worrier. he’s constantly thinking about the future. constantly assessing the pros and cons of a situation. which is also why it’s not exactly surprising that he realised his feelings for pat so early on. he’s the type of person that thinks about all types of possibilities and outcomes (i’m sure he catastrophizes a lot too) in any given situation. and he’s introspective. but he hides that all inside himself. pat, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. he goes with the flow. lives in the moment. is extremely easygoing. he only thinks about problems when they happen, and doesn’t dwell in ‘what ifs’. i think a great example of their different mindsets is in ep 3 when they find out that their sponsorship will only cover half of the budget for the bus stop. pran’s immediately worried about how they’re gonna get the rest of the funding, whilst pat cracks jokes and is all “don’t worry, you’ll figure something out soon” to him. it’s why their expressions in the kiss scene esp make so much sense. pat, living in the present, sees the potential of the two of them. pran, living in the future, sees the end of them bc of all the external factors he knows will keep them apart.

anyway, my chest is still aching about it now and it’s almost been a whole week since this ep. but the first time i watched it, i absolutely bawled my eyes out like a BABY as soon as the ep was over. no kiss scene has ever gotten to me like that but this was so exquisitely crafted...and the build up was so exceptional, it was always gonna make me cry. and the ACTING...don’t even get me started on the acting bc i could rave about their performances for days ;;;

nanon’s so expressive. he breathes so much life into pran as a character. i love every little quirk of his, and i just love how he acts with such clarity. pran’s intentions and feelings are always so clear. it never feels like acting.

and ohm!! my fave thing about ohm is his line delivery. he has this way of making his voice softer with certain lines, or his voice waver, and it gives the lines he emphasises such impact (like ”come here” or “i was depressingly lonely” or “no”).

it still kind of blows my mind sometimes that we really got these two award winning actors, with insanely good chemistry to act in a bl helmed by p’aof. and the fact that it’s been so incredible so far?? we’ve been blessed.

i’m so excited for ep 6, although i know that we have more angst to come (but hopefully at least a bit more fluff in the next few eps or so with the bet coming into play)!! of course they’d make a bet like that. all they know is how to compete with one another, so it seems very much in character for the two of them to play this game (and fail lbr). it’s wild to me that so much has already happened and we’re still only 5 eps in...

#bad buddy #i didn't plan on this being so long??#i'm not really intending to do recaps the way that i did with itsay/ipytm but i just had so much building up inside of me to say about ep 5 #so i'm treating this as my form of therapy...like a diary entry of sorts bc i kept writing notes on my phone about this ep #i needed an outlet #anyway i'm gonna sleep now and not think about how we still have so many hours to go before ep 6 i just want it now ;;;#text #finally getting off this rooftop and going to the beach i guess??

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squadron-of-damned-writes · 3 years

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tagged by @thiswaycomessomethingwicked. Found this sitting in my drafts after third of a year later. No time like the present, right?

Rules are: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line.

(how convenient that AO3 shows 20 works per page by default!)

1. It most certainly is a morning and the doorbell rings. Like the beginning of a horror movie, Sam thinks as he makes his way from his room to the front door. (The Night In Gale, 2019-10-11, Good Omens x Supernatural)

2. The remnants of the stained glass creak and shatter under the heavy plate sabatons. The men clad in deep red robes watch the armoured figures walk through the raided monastery in careful silence. (Moon And Destiny, 2019-08-24, Les Misérables x Wizardry)

3. “Alright squad! Who are we doing this week?” (One Gay at a Time, 2019-08-31, Les Misérablex x Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)

4. Light. Everything is is spinning. Light, even behind closed eyelids. It’s omnipresent. Radiant, blinding, magnificent light. (Like A Teen Girl,[1] 2019-11-15, W.I.T.C.H.)

5. Witches have pricking in their thumbs, Varen had his stomach worms, and Lyris had her teeth. She could feel them vibrating in her gums. It usually went away with a couple of flagons of mead, but apparently not tonight. If anything, it made it worse. So here she was, Lyris called Titanborn, tipsy but not yet drunk, sitting by the campfire with the two of Companions and a growing feeling of dread as her teeth planned to run for the hills. It made her only more irritated. (Mind How She Goes, 2019-11-30, Elder Scrolls Online)

6. “Well, are you going to stand there the whole night?” (The Past, the Present, the Death, and the Devil, 2019-12-19, Les Misérables)

7. There is this thing they don’t tell you about dying – it gave you mother of all headaches. In all those tomes and epic sagas there could had been at least once mentioned that the brave heroes and mighty beings who returned from the Other side felt like a horse kicked thorough their head. This terrible pain was usually why your freshly resurrected dead scream in agony and want to destroy things. (The Many Deaths of Me,[2] 2017-04-30, World of Warcraft)

8. As strange as it was, Lyris finds an odd sort of peace here. It is not her old home – she doubts she could ever return there – but her cabin near Riften is a new home. At first it was a house, but she made it a home. It was a hard work to get there, and she is rightfully proud of it all. (To Be Found, 2019-12-09, Elder Scrolls Online)

9. Say what you want about the Tribunal and Vvardenfell, there is something that draws a good hero to the city of Vivec. That something might be a divine presence, but most likely it is simply the presence of a quarter with publicly accessible forges and looms in the close proximity to a bank and the drop site for commissioned works. (The Battlespire, 2020-05-09, Elder Scrolls Online)

10. “Your Majesty, a message for you.” The chamberlain presents the envelope on a silver tray with a gentle bow. Queen Ayrenn picks it up with her delicately manicured fingers, and the soft warm breeze of early autumn attempts to snatch the piece of creamy paper from her as it hurls large honey and amber coloured leaves before finally settling them on the ground. (War Ends, 2020-07-26, Elder Scrolls Online)

11. “Allow me to ask you again for clarification, Your Ex-” “Charles, dear brother. Simply and plainly Charles, for we all are equal in the eyes of the almighty God.” “- Charles: I have died.” (The Man Who Saved A World, 2020-08-12, Les Misérables)

12. So that’s it, you suppose. You are going to sit down on this chair, because someone has to. (The Tale of Two Fates, 2020-09-05, Death and Taxes)

13. There is a saying in Ferelden: When you think you’ve reached the bottom, the Maker shows up with a shovel. Like most farmer wisdom, even this one applies in Orlais. (Land Turned Red, 2020-12-29, Dragon Age)

14. So you come to the supermarket on Friday morning and in the ice-cream isle is a poorly paid and even poorerly shaven retail worker unloading boxes of frozen pizzas, eyeing them like man who’s missed out on breakfast and his contract doesn’t include lunch break. (Observations of an Unconcerned Bus Driver, 2021-03-07, Stardew Valley)

15. They are giving him that look. He knows it well and hasn’t seen it in a long long time. It is the look that says: “I can’t believe that out of all the people in Thedas, he was the one to save us.” (Fine Literature, 2021-03-14, Dragon Age)

16. A young woman stands in a garden. It is a beautiful garden, very lush in spite of all damnation raining from the sky lately, now that the Veil is gone and… And all that. (Houserite, 2021-03-29, Dragon Age x Homestuck)

17. If you asked Solas, it was the most predictable outcome, blatantly staring you in face, shoving middle finger into your nose and blowing a raspberry. However, nobody asked Solas and even less people cared for his issues with Sera’s behaviour, and thus when Dorian goes missing, almost everyone is surprised. (The Excellent Week of Dorian Pavus, 2021-04-09, Dragon Age x Doctor Who)

18. Talent. A short and complicated word. What is a talent? (Necromancer’s Virtues, 2021-05-06, Dragon Age)

19. Fucked.That’s what they are. Fucked. Completely and thoroughly. The Trade Tongue is a limited and insufficient language and lacks any imagination whatsoever when it comes to cusswords. (The Wolves Breach Through, 2021-05-29, Dragon Age)

20. There are a lot of ways to tell that you’ve woken up the wrong way in the morning, and I was pretty certain that I’ve hit three of them at least: Every fiber of me was aching, two men were looming over me with worried expressions, and the sky was dark. Especially the last bit was extremely worrisome, since I was fairly certain I fell asleep in my bed at home under a solid ceiling above which is mum’s room and after that is the attic and after that is a roof and only then you get to see the sky. (Real Feeling of Sharing,[3] 2021-01-10, Dragon Age)

Observations:

I use the opening lines of a story like most people use headlines; luring in the reader by making them think “Hold on, what’s going on?” and hoping it ignites strong enough curiosity for them to read further to figure it out. For that reason more often than not the opening lines are not exactly related to the story.

A surprising amount of mu openings also clearly say: “The story you know is over.”

Also very specific thing which is less about opening lines and more about the trope of my fics: A suspicious number of beginnings based on the fact that the person of focus is dead or implied to be, or implied to be really close to it.

I also don’t like long introductions to the story, so it’s either “Things are happening now, figure it out dear reader” or “This is a thing I am going to focus on because it’s my thing, deal with it, plot will come later.”

Favourite opening line is from The Wolves Breach Through, especially because it quickly evolves into a rant about langauges. The Night In Gale is a close second, because I love to take a piss on the source material. For this reason The Battlespire also comes close to the top, although the fic in itselfwas shit.

[1] Like A Teen Girl should get renamed, because the story evolved from “Parody of the Magic Highschool Girls premise” to “Drama With the Lads”, but I eh, who cares anyway, right?

[2] The Many Deaths of Me deserves to be rewritten by older and more experienced me. It could be a great fic.

[3] Probably going to get renamed to Original Real Feeling of Sharing, but only when I start the next story from the series.

tagging: @timesthatneverwere @thewronglong

#writing

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drama-and-tv · 4 years

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First half of 2020 tv shows/dramas completed

SO apparently, my original blog “may contain sensitive media” (how my original blog contains them, I have no idea because I don’t think I have ever written nor posted anything that is inappropriate) so here I am, making a new one even though there are just so so many thoughts I poured in that blog since the beginning of 2018.

I wish I could put all of the contents from there here. But since I don’t know how to do that, I shall only put up my thoughts on the things that I have completed watching this year (2020) that I have put up from there.

With that being said, here they go... most of them in the original words that I had typed/written from last time. My only change will be the rating (now I shall use the numerical rating since I have figured how to rate things properly in numbers now) :

Season 2 of Sex Education was such a delight to watch! While I do feel that it lacks some Otis and Maeve’s interactions (and wtf is that cliffhanger?), I feel that the other characters are given the opportunity to flesh out and have really good story lines. Definitely a step up to Season 1!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

Bad news: The third part/season of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is the worst part of the show that I’ve watched so far. Good news: I still somewhat like it.

The main issue of this new-released part is how messy it is story wise. There are far too many things going on that it felt a little bit too chaotic - like there’s the Pagan storyline, there’s that Faustus storyline etc etc. It’s just too much.

What makes me still enjoy it is because of its characters. I am attached to the characters and I wanna see their journeys in this show. For instance, Ambrose and Prudence are probably the standouts in this season because they are just super badass here.

Overall, it’s okay. I would still watch this show when the new set of episodes are released.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Honestly, Chocolate would’ve been better or ranked higher if they cut down the number of episodes - from 16 to maybe just 8.

Despite its melodramatic tone and ridiculous story line, I actually really enjoyed the initial episodes. I mean okay, the time jumps are a bit too much but I was sold on the emotions and the characters. It’s a melodrama, for crying out loud - it’s not meant to be realistic.

But then, for some unknown reason, it got draggy around the second half of the drama. And it affected my love for the drama. It was like they put a brake on the main plot and save for it the last episode (which it did).

This does not mean that it’s not a good drama. For the most part, I actually enjoyed it and I was invested in the characters’ journeys.

Just that it could be better.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Honestly, Black Dog was not a drama I thought of watching. The posters and the plot did not make me feel compelled to watch it because for some reason, I thought this drama would be something like those corruption dramas or corporate dramas - while I can enjoy those kind of dramas, I do have to be in the ‘mood’ to watch them.

It was only when I started seeing some gifs/images over Tumblr that I started to consider it. And when more and more people raved about it, I knew that I just have to check it out.

And just like what these people said, it was good. A really good drama, actually! I think what I love about this drama is how realistic it really is. I like that I can actually relate to the world and the characters in the drama. While Haneul and I don’t share the same type of field, I can empathise with her struggles in obtaining/maintaining her employment and sitting for the certification exam. I can empathise with how she tries to navigate the world of school and teaching.

All I know is I have definitely cried or teared up in some of the episodes. (that’s really a feat cause the last time I cried like this in a tv show/drama is season 3 of Anne with an E and we all know how I feel about that show.)

I also love how there is a good balance between drama and comedy in this drama. While this is primarily a drama, I like that it doesn’t feel heavy. It makes it easier to watch multiple episodes in one sitting.

If there is one minor problem with this drama, it is that it feels like the main drama ends with 12 episodes and the remaining 4 episodes are the epilogue or extra episodes. While the remaining 4 episodes are still pretty good, it has somewhat cooled my love for this drama. However, I do appreciate it and it gives a good look at what happened after Haneul’s first year of teaching.

With that, I have contemplated on whether to give this drama the best rating I could give in the drama or the second best. Considering that there is barely any flaw in this drama, I shall give it...

FINAL RATING: 10/10

Season 2 of Kingdom did not disappoint. It maintained the same energy and intrigue that it brought in the previous season. There’s the excitement, there’s the high-quality production and there’s never really a chance for it to falter or drag. Its pacing remains consistent and I remain hooked to the end. I also like that this show does not end in an agonising cliffhanger - it wraps up the main plot that was introduced in the first season and at the same time, teases on what is to come in the possible season 3.

Overall, a really good season!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

I gotta admit, Crash Landing On You was a pretty nice watch! I initially had quite low expectations for this drama - I have hard time being truly engaged in big budget romcoms because they tend to be unrealistic and too fluffy (and I like my dramas pretty realistic).

But to my surprise, I actually really like it. The episodes (particularly the first half of the drama) were candies to the mind and to the eye! Yes, this drama is hella trope-y and there’s a lot of moments which are very unrealistic and are there to be flashy and amp up the romance. But you know, something about this drama just works.

Of course, like a lot of k-dramas, the second half of the drama is less addictive to watch. But it was still a pretty good watch. I mean, it got my mum really addicted and my brother to finally watch a k-drama beyond Kingdom after all these years.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

For someone who doesn’t know shiz about baseball, Stove League was still a very good drama to watch. It has that underdog story (in this drama, the under-performing baseball team for 2 years in a row, Dreams) that makes it easy to root for. It remained tight and consistent throughout its run. Its tone is very balanced - has good balance of serious and comic relief.

And most importantly, it’s not very hard to like the characters that matter.

Overall, very solid drama!

FINAL RATING: 9/10

When the Weather is Fine is really a good drama to watch at the moment, during the midst of this current pandemic. Even though initially (the first episode) it did not win me over due the drama’s slow pace, I gradually enjoy watching it regardless of its pace and eventually, I was hooked.

This drama has a very calming and “healing” aspect to it even though the subjects dealt can be serious. I like that even though there’s some serious issues here, the drama remains well-balanced and still has plenty of light-hearted scenes. Lim Hwi (the male lead’s younger sister) is definitely my favourite character in this drama as she brings a lot of sunshine to the table with her innocent teen self. Also, the comforting presence of the community (whether it being the Good Night Book Club member or the people/families in the neighbourhood etc) along with naturally serene setting make the drama feels warm.

With that, I recommend watching this drama, especially to anyone who wishes to seek comfort and feel warm.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

Netflix’s Never Have I Ever was an unexpected treat for me. I did not know the existence of this show prior to its release. I did not see any of its promos/trailers etc. So there was no expectations whatsoever prior to watching it.

My brother and I only happened to stumble upon it when trying to find something to watch on Netflix. So you can say that this was a present that came out of nowhere because as soon as I just went into it (within the first few minutes), I already really like it!

This show was funny. It was relatable as someone who comes from an Asian background. And most importantly, it has plenty of hearts. Trust me, I was tearing up when watching the last two episodes of this season (I sincerely hope that the show will be renewed for the next season).

Definitely a really nice show to binge quickly as it only has 10 half-hour episodes.

FINAL RATING: 9/10

Find Me in Your Memory was a pretty decent watch. Yes, it is a very standard kdrama in the sense that the plot is very very generic and there are so so many obvious tropes here. However, its characters and the chemistry of the main leads still made it worth a look. This drama might not be the most unforgettable or unique drama out there, but it is very easy to watch and it makes a good addition to anyone’s watchlist if you want something straightforward and not complicated.

FINAL RATING: 6/10

Man, A Piece of Your Mind could have easily been this perfect drama that I’ve ever watched this year had it only retained its original length. It is not to say that this drama is not good - it is as of now, actually one of the top dramas among the dramas I’ve watched this year.

This drama basically fits the type of drama I typically love: a realistic drama which examines more on its characters and focuses on emotions etc. Yes, I know people have complained that it is very slow but to me, that was part of its charm. I love slowly getting to know its characters and how they are feeling etc. I like being emotionally connected to them and follow on their journeys.

So I’m just sad the drama was cut from 16 episodes to 12 (reason being because of its low number of audiences). While the drama did its extreme best in making it work and it does not affect the main plot of the drama other than speeding things up nor does it really diminish my enjoyment for this drama, I’m just sad on what could’ve been if they were able to keep the extra 4 hours to the story. Like, we could’ve gotten better exploration on the characters etc (especially for instance that character who was played by the evil mother in law from Search: WWW and the Eunjoo’s Homestay residents and even frigging Hoon, Hawon’s colleague... like why was he even in the grandma’s house in the countryside?) . Things would’ve been more... organically unfold.

Despite all this, I still really enjoy watching this drama and I still remain invested in the characters’ journeys etc. Our main leads’ relationship feels warm and comforting. The vibe of this drama is just my kind of taste. And most importantly, I feel comforted watching it until the end.

FINAL RATING: 9/10

With that being said, those are some of the shows/dramas that I have completed up until now. Others that I have completed are season 2 of The Sinner (5/10), ITV’s Belgravia (6/10), Netflix’s The Circle France (soooo entertaining with plenty of drama and strategies, 8/10), season 18 of American Idol (8/10) and most recently, Netflix’s Extracurricular (I will eventually share my thoughts on it soon).

Stay tuned.

#tv #kdrama #completed #s education netflix #chilling adventures of sabrina #jtbc chocolate #tvn black dog #kingdom netflix #crash landing on you #stove league #when the weather is fine #never have i ever #find me in your memory #a piece of your mind #the sinner #belgravia #the circle france #american idol

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musingsofawannabewriter · 3 years

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Can I Be More Than The Person I Have Become?

Here I am again. Once every few months, sometimes years I get that urge to put pen to paper or in this instance finger to keyboard.

When I was little reading my mom’s Jodi Picoult, Danielle Steele or Avon romance novels I felt inspired. I wanted to write a book people would cherish and love. Then I read Purple Hibiscus and then the doubts came.

Purple Hibiscus is one of my favorite books ever and the author Chimamanda is an inspiration to me. But the doubts came because I believed I could never write a book as amazing as Purple Hibiscus, that stirred so many emotions and feelings in me that with each rereading makes me discover something new. It didn’t help that Chimamada is that perfect Igbo first daughter who has a first degree and not one but 2 MA’s and speaks fluent Igbo.

My admiration for her was tinged with a lot of jealousy. I am an Igbo first daughter, that can barely speak/understand Igbo despite growing up in Nigeria most of my life, I only have a BA in Law, I failed spectacularly at a Masters programme that from the start I only applied to because I thought it was expected of me.

There are so many flaws in myself I could spend hours picking on but won’t for the sake of bringing down the mood of this article/opinion piece. Despite feeling I could never measure up to CNA I still chose literature as my elective in my GCSE’s and WAEC exams. Had an A for both and was the best student in class for the former. But I still felt like a fraud. I understand English, I speak it but the technical rules stump me sometimes. Like the semicolon… No matter how many times I can’t seem to retain when it applies. I suck at writing dialogue because I am always confused where to add the apostrophes and commas. Subject verb agreement, well I stumble my way through and hope for the best which has worked out okay so far.

I used to write in notebooks fervently in Secondary School. I would craft stories which would get passed around different students and their compliments and eagerness to read my words fueled me. I was going to be a writer maybe.. Get my first degree in Law then a Masters in Creative Writing. Maybe after becoming successful I’d be the next Michaela Coel adapting my work to the screen to great critical acclaim.

Well let’s just say reality hit hard, no punches pulled whatsoever. I left my sheltered Nigerian boarding school after graduation to go to the UK full time for my A Levels. First mistake was spending my years pocket money in under 3 months. Second mistake was essentially being mute for my first year of school. I have always been quite reserved and find it hard to talk to people. Going to a full boarding school meant I saw my classmates almost 24/7 so bonding and socialisation was inevitable. Well with A levels only having 3 subjects to study and it being a day school meant I could go a week without speaking to anyone except the lovely lunch ladies in the cafeteria.

If I am being honest I wasn’t used to interacting with white people and felt self conscious about my accent so it was a perfect storm.

Then the whopper…I have always had a complicated relationship with food. Since I was younger my weight has fluctuated heavily. It didn’t help that my mom was one of those slightly bigger women who decided to become a gym addict and drop all the weight. A lot of her insecurity from being bigger rubbed off on me, directly and indirectly.

Having your mom take you to exercise classes at 13 hurts. Having your mom be so happy to see you lose so much weight because the food at your boarding school sucked hurts. Having people complimenting your mum and asking how you're related to her cuts even deeper. Every stab at my heart at confidence got buried deep. In school, I would restrict my eating by spending breakfasts which I hated asleep in class, would skip a few lunches then binge at dinner times. This had the effect of keeping my weight stable.

Even then my mom still criticised my weight. When I look back at my size 12/14 self in secondary school who was gorgeous, a rage fills me. I was so beautiful but with zero confidence. I hurt so much and wish I could go back in time for a few minutes to tell myself I was worthy of being liked, by others and myself.

Eventually being away from my mom, the safety of my boarding school friends and siblings made it easy to seek solace in food. I was in the UK, I was living in student accommodation and for the first time in my life I had a debit card. I spent hundreds of £s a month in takeaways. Then I spent over £100 on diet pills which made me feel ill. In under a year I went from a size 14 to 24 to my mothers horror and mine. I didn’t know about the body positivity movement or Tess Holliday. I only knew that my mom was angry and sad and worried I would die in my sleep one night.

In almost a decade, that has been one of her mantras when talking to me about my weight. That she can’t bury her child and she’s afraid one night I will sleep and not wake up. In her mind its concern, but the way she says it feels like emotional manipulation.

Reading back there’s a lot of mother bashing going on, but it is not intentional. Some people are besties with their mothers and I prefer a more distant relationship. We will eventually get to the daddy issues but that will take some tears and a while before I can go into that.

I crave the catharsis of writing. The word vomit and jumbled feelings in the pit of my stomach. It helps me see myself as that idealistic 16 year old with a heart full of dreams and hopes. Not the current dried out husk I think I am now. I think of my future in abstract terms.

I don’t see a family, mortgage or dog. I just see myself barely existing. I feel this with a resigned calmness. Then I have my internal spiral of being to shortsighted and hasty in writing my life off at 25. I read tweets about people finding first love in their 30s, going back to school in their 40’s and getting into their careers in their 50s. Then I hear that voice in the far corner of my mind whispering, do I even want to make it to my 40’s…

And I answer back quietly that I really don't want to make it to my 40s. I’ll maybe hold on till my parents die so my mom doesn’t lord it over me that she had to bury her child and not the other way around. But some nights I really don’t want to be alive. Some nights I wish I was never born and just like clockwork the tears start. Those tears that I hold in and the dark thoughts I numb with the stimuli of food, YouTube and now K dramas.

For the past few years, I have made my Other World. This Other World is essentially a parallel universe. In this universe I have no issues with food, I have an incredible metabolism that means I can eat virtually anything without guilt. I make friends my first day of college and join so many student societies and actually participate. I push myself in school and get into my mother’s dream of a Russell Group. I choose LSE though she wishes I chose Queen Mary. I work hard, join the Law Society, meet a lovely British Nigerian with a great background, we date a few years and get married. I get a Masters in Creative Writing and have an amazing blog which gets adapted to a critically acclaimed series and I am fulfilled.

Sometimes my Other World self changes. She is the daughter of millionaires who is a genius, polyglot and fighter of social justice. I can sing, know martial arts and take the movie world by storm. Other times I am just pretty and living a simple but happy life. I know in my heart that these are just fantasies and sometimes I wish I could be like Buffy in that episode of BTVS and stay stuck in that Other World fully. I’m sure you’re thinking about my family who I’d leave behind. My response is I can’t miss them if I never remember I had them.

I am the first daughter, the Ada. My parents though flawed always tell me I am a great role model for my siblings. I am seemingly still a virgin, don’t drink, do drugs or rock the boat too much. And I feel even worse. I feel guilty that with all they have sacrificed that they have been stuck with an average daughter and by upper middle class Nigerian standards, if that even exists, a sub par Ada. I feel defective looking around and seeing others in the peak of their careers, vetting engaged, building houses for their parents. I am still afraid of driving!! I can’t even get that basic skill down.

4 years post LLB, no LLM to at least lessen me not being a lawyer and stuck in a customer service role almost 3 years now. I know I am at fault for not making the right decisions. Not applying for the grad jobs or vacancy schemes in time. Being so down and depressed I wouldn’t leave my room for days and weeks at a time. Failing all my LLM modules, adding back all the weight and more after boot camps with my parents, not having enough savings and having an even worse accent after almost a decade in the UK.

My self-deprecating joke I tell is that my sister is the multi talented one, my brother the smart ambitious one and as my parents say I have a big heart. That essentially my parents would say my thing is having a big heart, like that ever helped anyone build a career. I thought if I couldn’t write then I could maybe study Social Work. That got shot down by my mother and I was persuaded to go into the path of Law for University. I applied for Social Work Schemes and got rejected multiple times over multiple years. I was too scared to sink my own money to self fund a Social Work Masters in case it became another LLM fiasco. SO now I have made Teaching my next career goal. I am resigning myself to it the way Henry the 8ths spouses and mistresses must have whenever he wanted to bed them. Powerless and without a choice. Then I think that’s false equivalency and my pain could not be on the level of the pain they must have endured.

So many feelings, deep thoughts and memories flow out when I get the writing urge. I will likely never actually share this in full for obvious reasons except maybe anonymously. These few pages have jumped through quite a few time periods and experiences. My thoughts aren’t always linear and that ties in with something else I acknowledge but haven’t been serious about. I legitimately think I have ADHD and/or BPD. Watching the diagnosis episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend by the amazing Rachel Bloom shone a light on feelings and behaviours I have had for a while. Maybe that’s why from the first episode of the show I was in love. She was stuck in the past, holding onto Josh who represented a time in her life of happiness. She had cutaways to magical musical numbers involving herself and the people around her.

The ADHD comes from following iconic black women on twitter who were outspoken about their diagnosis and bringing focus to how black women were being underdiagnosed. But then I think maybe I want to have ADHD as an excuse for the failures in my life and with the current NHS waiting lists I may not get a formal diagnosis for a while. So for now I manage and exist.

I like being honest in my writing. Exposing those dark parts of myself that I let fester in the recesses of my heart and mind.

#black writers #adhd #igbo #life #hopeful #scared #prose #self love

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a-dotrivenitupontop · 3 years

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30 days of autism acceptance

day 8- friendships

well, ive already talked about friendship quite a bit in the section about relations but i guess i could talk some more. technically, ive had many friends in my life. but at the same time ive had almost none. the thing about friendship is that it’s a kind of on/off thing that isn’t very continuous. most of my friendships have been ‘arranged’ almost in the classic ‘our mothers hang out sometimes’ way. but hey. sometimes i could bring myself to actually talk to another person.

typically friendships rein from a few days of awkward socialising to a few years of going round each other’s houses after school. because of this and the fact that im demi, ive only ever had like, 2 or 3 crushes ever. in a friendship group, my role is usually the ‘wondering in confusion how this person has a crush on someone who’s name they just learnt’ one. though really my role depends on the other people and how close i am with those friends. if we’ve been friends for a good year or so im usually the chaotic leader. but if it’s a big group of people who ive known for a few months than im mostly likely the one who stands near the back not saying anything and hey is this person actually part of our group?

moving to secondary school definitely destroyed my bonds with some people. i had a really strong friendship with this one person but nowadays we only whatsapp each other once in a while. still, it’s better than trailing around another person for a few months (full of relationship drama) before moving on.

an unfortunate situation i frequently encounter (oh god why am i using such convoluted words) is making friends through panic attacks. normally they feel a bit of sympathy, comfort me and then boom! i become attached to them and won’t leave their side. until, of course, another person comes along, ruins the vibe and im just left to trail around in misery.

the problem with friendships is that barely anyone around me shares an interest. and if that is somehow the case, it’s never as passionate as me (oh shit that sounds pretty braggy doesn't it haha no i just hyperfixate a bunch). ive only ever found one real life person who’s into theatre and isn’t a family member. even then, they sort of abandoned that passion leaving me behind. it’s even harder to find someone interested in the osemanverse despite a lot of people around me being queer.

something that really saddens me is how i can never get over a friendship ending. not in like a ‘crying and eating ice cream after a breakup’ way. more in a ‘refusing to believe the relationship is over and still pestering them’ way. it’s probably the main reason i ‘hang out’ with the same people despite having absolutely no connection to each other. i haven’t even come out as a demiboy to them so :/

squish is a word im incredibly thankful for. I always get platonic crushes on people. sometimes im just lonely and need someone by my side. or maybe this one person seems comforting. or maybe it’s for another reason entirely. a good way to describe how often i get squishes could be described by the phrase ‘gay culture is falling for anyone who’s nice to you’. yep. that’s me. except in this case the falling is literal because i can’t tie shoelaces lol. and emotional. the only problem is squishes is that I hate people/can’t talk to them and most people probably hate me.

so long story short, friendship is a weird convoluted mess i don’t like but romanticise at the same time. im definitely better at making friends online then irl. also here’s a fact that i feel belongs here: platonic hugs are the best thing to grace this universe shut up mum just because im a teenager doesn’t mean hugs aren't blessed. i was originally planning to set this out listing friendships ive gained and then explaining why they didn’t work out but hey. maybe these ramblings are a bit better. or maybe they make no sense whatsoever. whichever. i don’t know. oh well.

#30daysofautismacceptance #30 days of autism acceptance #2021

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courtneyyharper · 4 years

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10 Christmas Gifts ‘for her’ if you’re completely clueless

Since it's apparently time to start thinking about that time of year I thought I'd jump on and attempt to give you some help in an attempt to spark some ideas. Whether you're using this list for ideas for your other half, your mum or sister, or even if you are that person that likes something on this list why don't you send it over as a wee hint... the irony of this is that I've banned my boyfriend from looking at this list as there's a few spoilers on here for his gifts! (Hope he enjoys a wee eyeshadow palette😬).

So let’s start...

1. AIRPODS

I'm sure this will be a big gift this year and a perfect gift if you know they'll be getting a new phone or laptop! Perfect for a music lover or just the person that always needs to have the next big thing! I'd recommend planning to get a pair of these bad boys from Amazon or Currys during the Black Friday sale.

2. STUDIO LIGHT

A gift my mum got me unexpectedly a few years back and I haven't looked back. Not just for the MUA or photography student in your life but even just for every day make up application and I know my friends always use mine for checking their outfits or taking selfies before a night out! I've shown in the product photo how you can get a full sized one or a desk sized one easily on Amazon, your choice. Along this line would also be a Hollywood mirror, the big vanity mirrors with the bright lights installed but they can be hard to source as they're so popular and you need to make sure they're the bright studio lights. Top tip would just be to check the dimensions so you know what you're getting.

3. POLAROID CAMERA

I wanna say this is a cult favourite. I don't know many girls who don't have one of these now but if your gift recipient is one of them then it'd be a great gift! They're a great idea for Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries because it means you can capture the memories and of course ironically take a photo of the polaroid with your phone and post it to Instagram!! They come in a variety of colours and you can purchase accessories and refillable polaroid packs for other special occasions after, making it the gift that keeps on giving.

4. VINYL PLAYERS

Another gift that keeps on giving. If they're a real music lover and always have Spotify going in their room, and with the lack of concerts this year, this would be a very thoughtful gift. You can get these lads pretty cheap on Amazon or fork out for the pricey ones from UO. The only downside is that the actual Vinyl records themselves is where this gifts will cost you the most, but at least you'll always have an idea for next years present.

5. FOREVER ROSES

Now these guys can be quite boujee and I remember them being really popular a few years ago. If you type 'forever roses' into google or, probably better yet, Instagram you'll get a lot of companies selling gift sets of these specially preserved roses that can last for years. An incredibly romantic and surprising gift, this one can cost you big bucks but if you shop around enough you can get single roses for around £20 or major bunches for a few hundred but it's sure to win you major brownie points.

6. LUSH

This is the standard gift and perfect for a Christmas Eve bath. If you couldn't come up with this present on your own then please pay close attention to this blog because oh buddy you will need it! There are so many gift boxes to choose from at Lush and the great thing is you can't go wrong with any of them. Not to worry if you don't have a bath too because I also have you covered with these Lush sprays which are sooo good that you won't need to work out what their favourite perfume is for the third year in a row. (Also a great brand to support for its morals which is a bonus!!)

7. BLANKETS

Not only perfect for those cosy Winter and lockdown nights but also a great home decor item that is so popular on Instagram! These massive knit blankets can get incredibly pricey online, ranging from 20ish quid for a tiny one to a few hundred for the massive ones, so if you're willing to pay that then go ahead but top tip is to have a look in Home Bargains because they had these guys in all year for £25 and even Primark Home had a few in recently but I'd get ahead of the game for this one before they sell out...

8. JEWELLERY

Now I'm not a massive jewellery fan myself but some girls just go ga-ga for a princess ring. If you're wondering if your girlfriend/sister/daughter is one of them you can identify these people by their less-than-subtle 'just gonna post this here xx' social media posts sharing the Pandora sales. I know most boys get scared to choose jewellery in case the person 'doesn't like it' blah blah but chances are unless they've told you somethng they specifically want or you've been missing some massive hints (ie. ring photos 'accidentally' sent to you) then they'll appreciate literally anything you choose. It's the idea you've went and chosen something specifically for them more than the item itself that matters. If you like it, they'll like it more. The big site is Pandora and many sites like it will have 'Christmas Gift Guide' sections to make it super easy for you. Top tip: you could do a wee price low-high if this is just an add-on gift and although it's horrible to say they will most likely look it up and check how much you spent on it... sorry about that!

9. EYESHADOW PALETTE

Now this is one you will most likely skip over because it feels like delving into a massive jungle with no map and no water and actually no shoes and no clue whatsoever of where to start. That's what boys feel like trying to buy girls make up and I really can't blame you. In fact, if you haven't been told exactly what to buy then who could blame you but if you're really looking to impress and go the extra mile and know they like make up then I'm going to attempt to help you as best I can and try and keep it really simple! So, first of all you'll need to somehow have a look at their collection when they're getting ready or be super stealthy and just double check they don't have the palette you're going to get them.

This is important. Right, so question one is do they watch YouTubers do make up? Because if they do then simply find out who they watch and check if that influencer has a palette or collab with a makeup brand because then your job is done for you!! If they've told you all about the James Charles/Tatti/Jefree Starr drama that encapsulated YouTube in the past then find out who's side they support because all three of those guys have palettes! James Charles x Morphe Artistry palette, Tatti has her own brand, or if they came out supporting Jeffree Starr and Shane Dawson in the whole fiasco then the Jeffree Starr 'Conspiracy palette' is for you. To each their own. These two main palettes I've featured on the left below for you to have a look at.

The top right palette is the new HUDA Beauty Naughty Nude palette and it's the one I'd go for if you're really unsure still! It's a new release so doubtful they have it and there's no crazy colours so can be used by everyone. It would be my top recommendation for make up this Christmas.

The three below that are all YouTuber/Influencer collabs with makeup brands that have been pretty popular this year. From the left: BPerfect x Stacey Marie Carnival III Love Tahiti Palette is one to get if you know they love doing colourful and adventurous looks, middle: Carli Bybel Palette x Anastasia Beverly Hills and far right: BPerfect x Jah Makeup Artist Clientele Palette are both perfect for more simple looks or if they don't go wild with colour and are both from big brands so will be very much appreciated!

God, this really could have been its own post where I explained it a bit better but alas...

10. HAIR CURLERS/WAVER

Maybe they're not as into makeup and prefer hair, or maybe they just love both? Then a Beauty Works hair styler would be a boujee gift for them. So, for this you can do the standard version of the products (gold) or you can do the newer versions in the collab with Molly Mae (pink). It's up to you. These products are pricey but great quality. First is the hair curler (Professional styler) which is great if both you and they love their hair curly, and you can't go wrong with Molly Mae's signature bouncy curls. The second option is a new trend in hair his year, The Waver, which creates the mermaid waves that I've pictured Molly Mae wearing below (and yes boys they’re different than curls) and a great gift if they already have the curler. Top tip: is to get these lads while ASOS have 20% off because you're grabbing yourself a bargain or if you're really on a budget many brands do these products without the hefty price tag.

BONUS: GIFT ADVENT CALENDER

This year there is a major boom in the idea of gift advent calendars, so behind every door is a small gift instead of chocolate. Now what would be super adorable is to buy advent boxes online and fill them yourself with personalised gifts but luckily many brands have brought out their own versions! The best one I have saw so far this year is this PrettyLittleThing beauty calendar but it has been sold out for some time now! ASOS etc. are doing their own versions and there have even been adorable versions in the likes of HomeBargains and B&Ms where you can get candle or even alcohol versions.

Well, I hope this helped even a little bit! If you're really on the ball you'll have noticed I haven't included anything like the staple Primark pyjamas or everything seems catered towards girlfriends or 'for her' but not to worry I've many more versions planned, including 'for him', 'on a budget', and 'how to dress up your present'!

Happy (very early) Christmas!🎁🎄

#giftguide #gifts for men #gifts for her #christmas gift #Christmas #presents

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writingformadderton · 4 years

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Change of Heart💞

Ship: Madderton

Word Count: 4901

Summary: Taron and Richard spend a beautiful Christmas with their families. Watching Richard with his niece and his own sisters makes Taron's heart warm, making him long to have children with Richard. But the Scottish isn’t thrilled about the idea and Taron is more upset about it than he shows in the beginning. When the situation between the two gets harder, Richard decides to leave and spend a few days with his sister and niece. Will he have a change of heart coming back home?

Additional Tags: fluff, soft, angst, children, fight, Christmas, comfort, kisses

“Mum wants to know what our plans are for Christmas,” Rich asks one night in the middle of October over a bottle of wine and a plate of spaghetti. He pushes the food around on his plate and looks up at Taron, baby blue eyes meeting green.

“We don’t have anything yet, do we?” Taron asks, his mouth full of garlic bread. Rich smiles.

“No, not yet. Think we can get this place ready for the family to come for the holiday?” Rich asks, looking around at the mess. They’d finally taken the plunge recently to put down roots together. They’d been together for four years, gotten married the summer before last, but had continued to rent. Their projects had taken them from place to place, and it had seemed to make sense to just rent while they searched for the perfect place to really settle down. They’d found this beautiful home in London a few months ago, and both of them had decided that this was it. They’d made an offer and had just moved in three weeks prior. They hadn’t gotten around to unpacking, both of them too busy with work, and Richard had gotten to the point where he was afraid they’d be living out of boxes forever.

“You want to host Christmas?” Taron asks, looking around at their cluttered home.

“It could be fun, get everyone together, show off the new place.” Richard reaches out and takes Taron’s hand, squeezing gently. “I’m proud of us, I’m proud of what we’ve got here. I want to share it with them.” He seems sincere, and Taron’s heart fills with pride for the man he’s married.

Taron squeezes Rich’s hand back. “You want to have Christmas, we’re having Christmas. Done.” Rich smiles and goes back to eating dinner.

--------

Two months later, it’s Christmas Eve and Rich is a nervous wreck. The house is spotless-when he’s nervous, he cleans, and he’s been anxious about this for two weeks-and ready for company. Taron’s mum and sisters had arrived the day prior, and the girls are playing upstairs in their guest room while Taron’s mum is bustling around the kitchen, helping Taron prepare the roast for the evening. Rich’s family is due to arrive any minute, and since Taron’s forbidden him from cleaning anything else- “For the love of God, Rich, if you clean the downstairs bathroom counter one more time, it’s going to bloody fall off!”-he’s set his sights on the Christmas tree.

Part of the reason they’d bought this particular house was the grand high ceilings in the family room. When they’d toured the property with their realtor, they’d stared at the cathedral ceilings in wonder, and Taron had snaked his arm around Richard’s waist. “Imagine the Christmas tree we could cram in here,” he’d muttered, and Rich had agreed adamantly. Now they’d done it, secured a twelve-foot tree from a tree farm, and they’d spent ages decorating it. It was flawless, down to the last detail, but Rich still finds himself nervously rearranging bulbs, tweaking the lights, checking to make sure the base has enough water. Taron looks up from the kitchen counter and sees Richard, and he chuckles a little.

Taron crosses the room and wraps his arms around his husband from behind, impulsively burying his face into Rich’s sweater. Rich jumps, startled, and turns around, Taron resuming his hold on him once he’s facing him. “Let me go,” Rich mutters, half-heartedly.

“You, my love, need to calm down,” Taron says softly. “I know you’re nervous, but everything’s going to be just fine. Our families are going to get along wonderfully, and the house is beautiful, and you’re beautiful. It’s all going to be great.” Taron leans up and gives Richard a slow, soft kiss. Richard leans into him, allows Taron’s arm to tighten around him protectively, allows himself to enjoy it. Rich is taller, and bigger, and stronger than Taron, but he will always himself to be held by him. He feels safe, and when they pull away from each other, he feels calmer. Calm enough to go in the kitchen and help with the meal, and calm enough not to fidget with any more of the Christmas decorations.

(He does sneak in one last cleaning of the bathroom counter, though.)

-----

A few hours later, Richard’s family arrives: his mum and dad, one of his sisters, and his little niece. The next few days are spent in a flurry of activity, presents, good food and even better company. Taron’s right, of course, and everything goes smoothly. Their families get along, they always have. Their mums have become great friends, and Rich’s dad fits right in, as well. Taron’s delighted to see that his sisters and Rich’s niece are getting along, as well. They’re close in age, and they spend the next couple of days playing with each other’s toys, chasing each other in stockinged feet as they race around the house. The most surprising part of the holiday is just how smoothly everything goes. None of the food gets burned, no one gets into a fight, there is no drama whatsoever. It’s like a Christmas out of a book or a movie.

Well, there is one other thing that catches Taron by surprise. He realizes it on December 26, the day before everyone is due to head back home. He’s sipping gently from a drink, something Rich’s dad has made. He has no idea what’s in it but it’s strong, and his head is just a little bit fuzzy. It warms him from the inside out, and as he watches Richard play with his niece on the floor in front of him, he realizes he’s spent precious little of the holiday with his husband, even though they’ve been in the same house.

All weekend it’s been a blur of tiny voices yelling “Uncle Richie!” or “Rich, look at this!” or “Richard, come play with us!”. His sisters and Rich’s niece absolutely adore him, and he’s spent most of his time playing with their toys, reading them stories, making crafts with them. Taron’s always been an involved older brother, but Rich is next-level with the kids, devoting his time and attention to them. As a joke, Rich’s sister had bought he and his niece matching pajamas for Christmas, and they’re both decked out in them now: green dinosaur pajama onesies, complete with a hood and a tail. Taron watches as Rich places the last Lego on top of a giant tower, and chuckles at the steely glint in his niece’s eye. One well-aimed kick and the tower tumbles down, and Richard pretends to growl angrily at her before scooping her up into his arms and tickling her belly. Taron’s heart flutters, melts, as he watches.

He feels the space on the couch next to him shift as Rich’s sister sits next to him, holding her own drink. He looks over and smiles at her, and she smiles back before they both turn and watch Rich.

“They’re precious together, eh?” Rich’s sister asks, and Taron nods.

“They really are.”

“I love watching them together. She absolutely adores Richard. They don’t get to spend enough time together, it breaks my heart. But when they are together…” she gestures at the pair, who are now focused again on building up their tower of Legos. The intense concentration on Richard’s face is almost comical to Taron, if it wasn’t so adorable.

“I’ve never seen this side of him,” Taron says softly and Rich’s sister smiles.

“He’s a completely different person with her. Not that he’s not always lovely, but it’s just...different. Special.” They both take a sip of their drinks and then she says, quietly, “Have you guys ever thought of, you know. Having kids?”

Taron pauses for another moment. “We haven’t discussed it.”

“Sorry, am I being too nosey? Richard would kill me,” she says with a small smile and Taron smiles back.

“Not nosey at all. It’s just...something we haven’t talked about yet. But seeing him with her...it’s something else, you know?” he says, and she nods in agreement.

---------

Taron’s family leaves earlier in the day, his mum crying as she kisses her son goodbye, his sisters clinging tightly to Taron and Richard both in turn. Richard’s mum, dad and sister set out later in the day, and before Taron knows it, it’s time for them to leave for the airport.

They drive to the airport and say their goodbyes. Richard’s niece clings to him with ferocity, and what really tugs at Taron’s heart is that Rich is clinging just as tightly.

“Come on, love,” Rich’s sister says softly, gently prying the little girl away from her uncle. She wails, and burrows into her mother reflexively. Richard rubs her back.

“I’m gonna come see you so soon, okay? It’ll only be for a little while, us being apart,” Rich says soothingly. He hugs his sister and parents goodbye; they hug Taron and then they’re off. They watch them walk away and then head back to the car, Richard holding onto Taron’s hand tightly. Their ride home is quiet, punctuated only by Richard sniffling, every so often.

When they get home, the house is quiet. It feels empty and lonely, and Taron can tell that Richard is feeling the same that he is. He looks at Richard’s face, and watches as it crumples. Taron pulls him in, tight to his chest, and wraps his arms around Rich. He rubs slow, small circles on Rich’s back, whispers soothing words into his ear. “S’okay, Richie. It’s gonna be okay. I know you’re sad, but we’ll go see them soon.”

Rich sniffles and nods, his face buried into Taron’s shoulder. “I can’t help it, that little peanut just means so much to me. We always have the best time together. I’m always so sad when we have to leave each other.”

Taron nods, and they stay like that for a while, the two of them holding each other, caught in a moment of emptiness.

---------

The next few weeks go by and everything returns to normal. Richard and Taron are busy with their respective projects, and they return to the every day hustle and bustle of their normal lives. In his free moments, however, Taron finds himself thinking about his conversation with Richard’s sister.

He hadn’t been lying when he said the subject of children was something they hadn’t talked about. With their busy schedules and the wedding and moving into the house, they just hadn’t found the time to talk about it. It seems silly, now that Taron thinks of it, to ignore a subject as big as this one. In truth, he hasn’t given much thought to children on his own. But he can’t get the images of Richard with his niece and T’s sisters out of his mind, and he has done nothing all week but picture the two of them with their own child.

He pictures bath time and Christmas card photos and school plays. He sees the two of them reading stories, dressing up for Halloween, and baking cookies with their son or daughter. He sometimes looks at their spare bedrooms and imagines the two of them transforming one of them into a nursery, painting the walls, setting up a crib, putting together a rocking chair. It has become his own secret fantasy, one he hasn’t indulged his husband in yet, and he isn’t sure how to bring it up. He can’t imagine a world in which Richard doesn’t want a child with him, not after how he’d seen him on Christmas with his niece.

-------

Which is why it comes as a shock when, a week later over a glass of wine, Richard says no, he’s never wanted children, when Taron brings it up to him.

They are sitting on the sofa, and Taron has started a fire in the fireplace. The lights are low and everything is soft, and they’ve just had a lovely meal and Taron decides that tonight’s the night. He’s never been one to ruminate on things alone for long, and so he starts the fire, pours two glasses of red wine, and burrows deep next to his husband. “What do you think about...having kids?” Taron asks, and he stills when Rich nearly chokes on his wine.

“Oh, God no,” Rich says, taking a long drink of wine. “I’ve never wanted children.” A beat of silence fills the room, and he glances down at Taron, who has wriggled away from being tucked beneath Richard’s arm. “Why do you...T, do you want children?”

Taron’s face flushes a bright pink, and he looks everywhere but at Richard’s eyes. “Well...yeah, Rich, I kind of do.”

Richard’s eyes widen to the size of saucers. “You’ve never said anything before.”

“Well, I never even considered it before, but...what do you mean you don’t want children? I saw you with your niece and my sisters over the holidays, you’re brilliant, they love you and you love them. I thought…” Taron trails off, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Well, yes, of course I love the kids, but...they go home, you know? I get to have fun with them and then my niece goes back to my sister and she gets to deal with the tantrums and the homework, and whatnot,” Richard says, taking another long drink of wine.

“You’re so good with them, though,” Taron says, feeling lame, feeling like he’s been backed into a corner.

“I’m good with them, yes, but full time? Being responsible for an entire human life? I can’t handle that, T.”

Taron reaches over, grabs Rich’s hands with his own. “Oh, love. Yes, you can. If anyone can, it’s you. Actually, if anyone can, it’s us,” Taron says, giving Richard a confident smile.

Richard scowls, just a touch. “Taron, you’re not listening to me, okay? Being a parent is more than matching pajamas and building a Lego city. It’s...it’s doctor’s appointments and discipline and making sure they eat their vegetables. It’s dealing with all of their problems and school calling when they misbehave. It’s making sure he or she turns into a good person, and I don’t think I can handle that responsibility. I don’t think I want that responsibility. With our work schedules, and our careers in general, plus just...I don’t know. I can’t.”

RIchard finishes his speech and then chances a look at Taron’s face; he immediately regrets it. Taron’s face has crumpled. He looks devastated, and Richard reaches over and tries to kiss Taron, but T pulls away. He drops Rich’s hands and backs away on the couch, pushes himself to his feet.

“I just...need a minute,” Taron says, and goes upstairs.

----------

‘A minute’ turns out to be three days. Taron avoids Richard for three days. He turns away from him in bed, showers and leaves the house by the time Rich gets up, and sits next to him on the couch in the evening and says almost nothing.

Richard’s strategy is to leave him be, let him feel whatever he’s feeling. He’ll talk to Taron when Taron’s ready. But by the third evening of near-complete silence, he decides that it’s been long enough.

They are watching TV, some obscure baking competition (Taron’s favorite, Rich’s way of trying to draw him out), and on the commercial, Richard punches the ‘mute’ button on the remote. He turns towards Taron, and God, he’s beautiful, even like this, he thinks. Taron’s face is impassive, and he can’t tell at all what he’s thinking. It scares him, just a bit, because he’s always been able to tell what’s going through his husband’s mind.

“Taron,” Richard says softly, but Taron’s face remains stony, staring forwards. “Love.”

Finally, Taron turns and looks at him, and there are tears shining in his blue-green eyes. A lump forms in Richard’s throat. “Oh, bubs,” he says quietly, and Taron swipes at his eyes hurriedly. “Please don’t be angry with me.”

“I’m not angry!” Taron bursts out, and Richard nods quickly. “I’m not angry, Richie, I’m upset. I’m sad. I know I shouldn’t have, but I let myself get hopeful about this.”

Rich takes a deep breath and waits for a minute. Taron is crying, just lightly, and Rich takes him in his arms. They stay like that for a short while, holding each other, pretending that this is just an ordinary night, an ordinary conversation. Richard presses a soft kiss on the top of Taron’s head before speaking.. “I’m sorry, T. I wish I wanted this like you do.”

Taron wrestles away from him abruptly, saying nothing but extracting himself from Richard’s arms and going back to his separate side of the couch. Richard sighs. “I knew you were mad.”

“If you can give me three good reasons why you don’t want to have a child with me, then I won’t be upset. Three reasons that don’t have to do with our careers and the responsibility, because schedules can be rearranged and we’re both adults and can handle the responsibility,” Taron says, an edge to his voice, his eyes hardening in a way that Richard has never seen.

He pauses for a moment and then says, gently, “I don’t need three reasons why, T. ‘I don’t want to’ is reason enough.”

Taron nods, and gets up from the couch. “I’m having a shower.”

Richard watches him go, wishing he could say something, anything. He wishes he could tell Taron that he’s afraid, more than anything else. He doesn’t feel like he’d be a good father, he feels like he’d fail a child, and he wishes he could tell Taron that it has absolutely nothing to do with him or their relationship. Instead, he watches his husband leave the room, hears the bedroom door slam from across the house. He closes his eyes.

--------

The warm water is soothing as it pours down his shoulders and back, but it doesn’t change the reality of what’s happening in his personal life. He doesn’t know if the reason Rich doesn’t want to have kids because of a personal preference, or if it’s because of some failing in himself or their marriage. He wishes he could convey to Rich that he’ll love him no matter what, but this hurts, it really hurts, and he hadn’t realized how badly he wanted to have kids until the option of it was taken from him.

It’s true, he thinks as he towels off and changes into his pajamas. He will always love Richard and this won’t change that. But it might change something, just a bit. He goes into the living room to find him and tell him that, but the room is empty. Richard isn’t in the kitchen, the den, the office. He finally checks one of the guest rooms and sees Rich’s still form in the darkness, curled into himself in the bed. Taron feels like he’s going to cry again. Nothing will change the way he loves Rich, but can the same be said when it’s the other way around?

---------

The next morning, Richard is awake and eating a bowl of cereal when Taron comes downstairs. His eyes flick up and catch Taron’s, and he offers the tiniest of smiles.

“Figured you were mad,” Taron says, his voice still husky from sleep as he reaches for the cornflakes and pours himself a bowl.

“I wasn’t mad. I just thought you might need your space. And I...I needed some space as well,” he admits, continuing to eat.

“I see,” Taron says curtly and Rich chuckles softly.

“Taron. Hey, look at me,” he says after a moment, when it becomes clear that Taron’s ignoring him and focusing intently on his cornflakes like a child. “Bubs. I have something I need to discuss with you.”

Finally, Taron sighs dramatically and looks up at him. “What?”

“I’m going to see my family for a few days. Just for a few days, a week, tops. I need to clear my head and I miss them,” Rich says, and his voice is soft and low and he is trying to break this gently, but Taron’s face registers the shock he’s feeling.

“You’re leaving?” he asks quietly, and Richard sighs.

“I’m not leaving you, I’m just...yeah, I guess I’m technically leaving, but it’s only for a few days. A week at the most. This isn’t a separation or anything, darling, I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed and I need my family right now,” Rich says, reaching over and trying to take Taron’s hand, although he jerks it away.

“I’m your family, Rich. At least I thought I was,” Taron says, and Rich can tell that he’s angry.

“Bubs, you are my family, you know that, I just meant…” Rich says hurriedly. Taron holds up his hand and cuts him off.

“So I’m your family but I’m not part of that family,” Taron says flatly. In the back of his mind, he knows he’s being obstinate for no reason. He knows that it’s perfectly okay for Richard to take some time to go see his parents and his sisters. But right now he feels himself being petulant because he’s hurt and sad and this isn’t how he is, this isn’t how they are together.

Richard sighs. He can tell that nothing he says is going to be enough for Taron, and, simply put, he doesn’t feel like digging himself any further into the hole. “Taron, you know in your heart that’s not true. You know that. I don’t know what’s going on between us right now but I need a minute to get my head back on straight, and I think you need that time, too. I’ll see you soon.” Richard kisses Taron’s cheek, gently, and reaches down to grab his suitcase before heading out of their home and into the cold morning air.

-----------

Rich heads straight to his sister’s as soon as he arrives and spends the afternoon with his niece. He picks her up from school and takes her for ice cream, lets her get two scoops even though it’ll ruin her dinner and insists on whipped cream. Then he helps her with her homework, his patience never waning even when she gets frustrated.

After his sister comes home, he helps her cook dinner, and they eat together, the three of them while he listens to his niece chatter sweetly, grinning and in her element with her mom and her favorite uncle.

After dinner, he helps with bathtime and spends the rest of the evening on the floor, making tiny plastic dolls talk with a high-pitched voice that he’d sooner die than let anyone else hear. He plays the part of the egregiously wronged college girl whose boyfriend has dumped her for the other doll. He chuckles as he watches his niece prance around her dollhouse, marvels at her attitude and spunk.

At half past eight, he lays his doll down and says, “Alright, love, I think it’s time for bed.”

She plants her tiny hands on her tiny hips and shakes her head angrily. “No! I want to keep playing!”

“Listen to Uncle Rich, darling,” his sister calls from across the room, absorbed in her novel, grateful for a break and more than willing to let Rich take over.

“We can play again tomorrow, but tonight, it’s time for sleep. Come on, I’ll read you a story,” he says softly, tweaking her gently on the nose. She sighs dramatically but nods, and Richard scoops her up into his arms.

When his sister comes to check on them twenty minutes later, they’re both asleep in her bed, Rich’s niece burrowed into his side, his arm around her tightly. She watches them both for just a moment before snapping a quick picture with her phone, and then she shakes Rich awake gently. He looks around, bleary-eyed, then lays down the book he’d been reading and gently lays his small niece down in her bed. He kisses her forehead, softly, and then tiptoes out with his sister into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.

Once they’re back in the living room, Rich’s sister pours him a glass of wine and they sink down next to each other on the couch. “I can’t believe I fell asleep. I’m beat,” he says with a sheepish smile, and she nods, sipping slowly and looking contemplative. “What?” he asks, knowing his sister long enough to know when she’s got something on her mind.

“So, tell me again why you don’t want to have children with Taron?” she asks, almost nonchalantly. Rich nearly chokes on his wine, and thinks, vaguely, that he ought to avoid drinking with the people he’s closest to, because it inevitably leads to a discussion about children.

“What on earth are you talking about?” he asks, and she rolls her eyes.

“Don’t play dumb with me. I watched you pick up your niece from school, help her with her homework, cook dinner, give her a bath, play with her, and then read her a story. Very lovingly, I might add. And you didn’t look miserable.”

“That’s different.”

“Explain,” she says shortly.

“This isn’t permanent, this is just for a few days until I go home. Maybe I don’t want to do this permanently,” Rich says, trailing off lamely. He knows she will see through it.

His sister chuckles. “Richard Madden, I have known you all our lives, and that’s crap. You’re scared. And that’s valid, because having a kid is scary! It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s so worth it. I promise. You can do this.” Richard’s sister reaches out and squeezes his hand, and he takes a deep breath.

He thinks of his niece upstairs, sleeping soundly. He imagines that he is home, with his husband, with the one great love of his life. He imagines that it is their child sleeping safely upstairs. They are exhausted from a long day at work and the dishes need to be done and bedtime has taken an entire bloody hour that night. But he imagines that they have a child upstairs, his or her arm curled protectively around a stuffed animal, his or her cheeks flushed with sleep and lost in dreams. He imagines raising this tiny human with the one great love of his life, and he feels something swell inside of him, some beacon of hope or light.

-----------

Richard takes a few more days with his sister and niece, and when he returns home he feels fresh and rested and when he opens the front door and sees Taron, he nearly bowls him over as he rushes at him.

Taron lets out a whoosh of air in surprise, but tightens his arms around his husband regardless. “Missed you,” he says softly, and Richard can tell he means it.

He intends to say ‘missed you, too’, intends to do nothing more than bury his face into Taron’s soft sweater. But his sweater smells like him and it smells like home and he is filled with an overwhelming rush of love, and he blurts out, “Have a kid with me.”

There’s a long moment of silence where Richard’s words hang between them, fat and heavy and full of potential. “Don’t mess with me,” Taron says quietly, and Richard smiles a little. He looks up from his vantage point and smiles bigger.

“I’m not messing with you. If you still want to, I...I want to have a kid with you,” Richard says, liking the way the words sound coming out of his mouth.

Taron laughs, really laughs, and kisses Richard full on the mouth. “What...happened? Are you sure? What changed your mind?” The words tumble over themselves and come out in a rush, Taron’s so happy.

“I’m sure. I...my sister helped me to see that I’m just scared. I still am, in a lot of ways. But the idea of having children just seemed so...hard and scary and impossible. I couldn’t picture myself as a father, my insecurities just screamed at me whenever I imagined it. But then I spent some more time with my niece and I thought about...well, I thought about you,” Rich says shyly. Taron is rubbing slow circles on his back and listening, and at this he stops for just a moment, unable to believe what Richard’s saying.

“What about me?” Taron asks quietly.

“Well, look at this life, T. Look at this life we’ve built. This home and this relationship we have. The truth of it is...you’re it, bubs. You’re it for me. The moment I met you, I fell, hard, and I’ve never been the same since. My fear over having kids pale in comparison when I’ve got you with me. We will be the most amazing Dads, T. The most amazing Dads,” he says quietly, and reaches out with his thumb to wipe away a tear that’s winding its way down Taron’s face.

“We absolutely will,” Taron whispers, and then he’s kissing Richard again and it is everything.

“I’m going to need you, T, because I’m still scared,” Richard says and Taron nods.

“I’m confident enough for us both,” he says, “and I’ll believe it until you can believe it all the time, too.”

“It won’t be long,” Rich says, and he knows it’s true, as he imagines their child, caught between them both like a promise.

@primaba11erina @onceuponadetectivedemigod @dreamingwolfthings @shereighties @honkycrowley @guns-n-marvel @sarahegerton96 @multicoloredchicken @naptitimadderton @anxiety-at-the-classroom @taron-eggmcmuffin

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stonestridernerd · 4 years

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What are some things that give you inspiration for your characters?

Well, we could here all night discussing that, so for sanity sake, I’m simply going to list them below based on some of my favorite characters.

Kennocha Bloomcaller ( @stonestridernerd )

My sister, especially in the way she treats strangers and people considered “lesser” by society. They’re both peacemakers in the family and believe in the best of folks, but are also ready to throw down with people that cross her friends and family while letting people trample all over her.

Characters like Hagrid from Harry Potter and Aang from the Last Avatar inspired her love of animals and her moral standings.

Winoa Summerdream ( @stonestridernerd )

My maternal line, from my grandma, my mum, and finally to me. Her mannerisms and how she views the world is often informed by these three people.

While Kennocha also has inspiration from Native American tribes, Winoa is much more traditional and as such, takes more inspiration. When I first started, I’d take it from any tribe, but I’ve refined her inspiration to the five modern tribes of Utah (partly because it’s where I’m from and partly since Stonetalon is reminiscent of the West): the Utes, Shoshone, Navajo, Paiutes, and Goshutes.

Kij’aza ( @darkspear-panther )

She literally started as a wish fulfillment character. When I made her, I was a quiet kid that felt like I was constantly being pushed around by others, like I couldn’t speak whatsoever. Kij is a romanticized version of my younger self, the little yellow-harried girl who’d fight those who wronged her, who spoke her mind, who knew what she wanted.

Also...YA novels like the Hunger Games, especially those that deal with independent characters or found family tropes.

Shelysse ‘Rowan’ Everbranch ( @rowansnight )

Doctor Who, as I wanted to explore what near-immortality was like. She especially takes after the 10th and 11th doctors.

Explorer characters in the roleplay community have played a huge influence on her, especially on her interactions with the Stonestriders. @curiouscodex is the main inspiration of her more laid back and curious personality.

Yainah Jadeblossom ( @jadeblossom-journeys )

Similar to Winoa, she also looks at my maternal line! However, Yainah has more of the silly traits of our family as well as more inspiration from grandma on more serious topics (especially ones dealing with old age and mortality).

Admitablity, there’s plenty of research I need to do (what can I say, I get distracted researching smaller facets of the topic) about Chinese culture. However, I love looking at Korean and Chinese dramas with my mum and Han fashion and food.

Kuina Jadeblossom ( @jadeblossom-journeys )

Sword and horse lesbian memes, along with the Pride Knights. She may or may not have also been a wish fulfillment character with how suave and carefree she is.

Additionally, my shipping tendencies come into her character quite often, especially when writing her with @koszmar-zycie‘s Xiuying. Many of the fanfiction tropes of fluffy romances are definitely there with her.

Gizzie Fizzlespark ( @whizziegizziegizmos )

The technomage started off as a joke between my dad and I about how the goblins could profit off of the Nightborne’s need for mana crystals.

As she developed, she ended up as a tired student (think of people in med school, those taking numerous AP/Early College/IB classes, in challenging fields, etc) with her determination and intelligence, yet her exhaustion and broke status.

Coquina Barros ( @seas-of-helping-paws )

Her namesake rock! Coquina is a type of limestone made of seashells compressed over millions of years. As weird as it is, the process of making Coquina is how I originally based her story’s timeline on.

Spanish culture, especially in their exploration and the peoples they encountered.

Wanting more disabled characters in my writing, especially since I am. Her profession is based on this as well, since her training service dogs is something I’ve had to learn about from a young age for my peers and a possible option to deal with my worsening vision and anxiety.

Ishbel Pyrestrike ( @earthen-nerd )

Igneous rocks, especially diorite and granite. What can I say? I’m a geology major doing her undergraduate right now. She helps me study, especially in petrology, mineralogy, and igneous processes since those are some of my weaker areas.

You know those professors that you can’t quite put your finger on? The one with the fantastical stories about others but doesn’t talk about themselves? You don’t know much about them, so you start making bets about stupid things of theirs, like what games they play, what religion they are, do they have kids (and if they’re confirmed, what are their actual names)? Yeah, that’s Ishbel.

Thank you for the ask @nocturnedreaming!

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atamascolily · 4 years

Text

lily liveblogs: BBC Atlantis 1x03, “A Boy of No Consequence”

Welcome back to the BBC Atlantis liveblog! Previously introduced:

THE HERO: Jason. Originally from Atlantis, raised on Earth and recently returned. Confused as hell about everything. Killed the Minotaur and now on the royal shitlist. Daddy issues and a mysterious macguffin amulet. Shirts optional.

THE LANCER: Hercules. 'Nuff said.

THE SMART GUY: Pythagoras. The triangle guy. NERD. I love him.

THE BIG BAD: King Minos and Queen Pasiphae, rulers of Atlantis. The Minotaur is supposedly Minos's fault, but so far the show has been mum about bull-fucking, so it's not clear how true the show is going to stay to the myth.

THE LOVE INTEREST: Ariadne, daughter to the above. Smitten with Jason on account of his good looks (because let's face it, they haven't had much time to talk yet). Maybe she and Jason can bond over daddy issues?

SOURCE OF CRYPTIC EXPOSITION: The Oracle. Knows more than she's telling Jason... for his own protection. Prone to cryptic utterances and killing chickens.

ATLANTIS: A city that is NOT under the ocean, despite the fact that Jason traveled there in a sub. (I really hope it was called the Argo, but I forgot to check.) Has no leash-laws for two-headed dragons, an abundance of watermelons in the marketplace, and guards with surprisingly good aim--also, hunting lions, because why not?

I had to skip episode 2, so this is going to be fun. Let's see what I missed!

In the marketplace, Herc is crushing on Medusa [introduced in the last episode] and Pythagoras and Jason are trying to bring him down gently. They stop to help an old man with an overturned cart, and an Asshole Authority Figure I don't recognize shows up and smacks the old man around for blocking his way (just in case we were wondering whether we were supposed to like him). Jason intervenes and they fight, but the other guy has guards, so Jason gets arrested. Just another day in Atlantis!

All of the credits are still backwards and I hate it, but at least there's an actual opening sequence this time!

Cut to Pythagoras and Herc standing in the jail along with Jason. Pythagoras introduces the Asshole Authority as "Heptarion" so I'm forgiven for not knowing who he is. He's Pasiphae's nephew.

Cut to the three of them kneeling in front of the throne in chains, and Ariadne's standing there watching, and I think... she finds this hot. Minos and Pasiphae are all like "You again?" because this probably is going to happen every episode.

Minos threatens Jason with a death curse. Jason yells, and it doesn't go well. Herc tries to explain Jason's a tourist and doesn't know any better, and then calls on the whole Minotaur business as a chance for mercy. So Minos claims he's going to leave it to Poseidon.

Pasiphae asks if Ariadne likes Jason. Ariadne lies, and Pasiphae calls her on it. Ariadne says "You're not my mom," and OH SNAP, this explains A LOT, ACTUALLY. Ariadne's promised to Heptarion, so this is SUPER AWKWARD. Ariadne asks if Pasiphae would intervene with Minos, and Pasiphae punts and says it's up to the gods. Ariadne says she'll pray for Jason, then.

Herc claims that was the last time he'll ever help Jason, but he is a LIAR and also a HUGE SOFTIE, so I call bullshit.

IT'S THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS. Or at least of some sort of matador thing in a ring with a giant bull and people leaping over it with epic leaps. Everybody on a "team" has to survive in order to be free. Pythagoras talks about probability, because he is, as I've mentioned before, a NERD.

Their other team members are an African warrior who gives Pythagoras the side-eye and a girl who doesn't want to eat her food, so Herc steals it. There's also a random dude who picks a fight with the warrior.

Heptarion and Pasiphae meet for plotting and gossip about Ariadne and Jason. The team practices leaping over a practice bull. Herc trips and doesn't make it over, as Heptarion and Pasiphae watch. Pythagoras says that the queen is rumored to be a witch. Jason leaps perfectly, and everyone's amazed, no less Jason. Heptarion realizes his rival is harder to kill than he thought, but Pasiphae plans to help.

The girl cuts Jason's hair while he sleeps, which the random dude on their team sees. VOODOO MAGIC TIME.

The next day, the team watches someone get killed in the practice ring. The random dude baits the warrior, and we learn he's a Nubian prince! Jason tries to play peacemaker and suggests they band together, but nobody's buying it. They go into the ring and Jason tries to strategize but nobody listens.

Jason calls the bull to him and it LISTENS. Jason does his run thing and falls to the ground. The girl yells at the bull and so do the others to keep him from a fallen Jason. TEAMWORK. Pythagoras and Herc carry Jason off the field and it turns out it was all a ruse to get the team to work together. Jason, you little schemer.

Herc hides under the table rather than let his ex-girlfriend catch sight of him. The Nubian prince says he has 3 wives and 7 kids, and he wishes he could go home. Jason tries to talk to the girl who won't eat and give her food and a pep talk. She starts to spill the hair thing and then runs away. Pasiphae does some VOODOO MAGIC.

The random dude, Cyrus, confronts the girl about the hair thing. The guy in charge interrupts before she can tell him anything. Cyrus tells the guy in charge what he saw, and gets stabbed for his trouble. So I guess there's only gonna be five people on the team?

(Note: all of the other characters have names, I just can't always understand what they are without subtitles.)

The trio know foul play when they see it. Jason goes to comfort the girl, and she confesses what she did in exchange for her freedom. (I assume they're going to double-cross her and kill her, because that's what happened to Cyrus.) Pythagoras has to explain the whole voodoo thing to Jason.

Herc mocks Jason's tase in women, specifically Ariadne. Jason protests they have barely talked, and I agree, but those long soulful gazes SPEAK VOLUMES. Herc calls Pythagoras "a fool with no knowledge of women" and this show is really not helping with the slash shipping here.

Heptarion tries to chat up Ariadne at the dinner table and it fails because Ariadne is such a killjoy and doesn't enjoy watching people die in front of her. You know, she's a weirdo like that.

Pythagoras suggests enlisting Medusa to steal the hair back. Herc objects because Love. Pythagoras has another idea, and it's Herc's ex-girlfriend! Herc chats up his ex, and convinces her to take a note to Medusa. I guess people can read in this show? News to me, but okay.

The next morning, they go out to the ring. Jason's not wearing a shirt, because... reasons? Medusa sneaks in to the queen's bedroom and there's so much furniture I'm pretty sure that's not period, only to get nearly caught by the queen. But she does spy the secret ritual room, so there's that.

Epic sandal montage/power walk into the bull ring with the Squad. No, Jason is not wearing a shirt, why do you ask? He and Ariadne make eyes at each other, as Minos makes a speech about how this is totally not rigged. They chant the ritual phrases and get to it. PLAY BALL.... or PLAY BULL, rather.

Pasiphae stabs the voodoo doll and Jason crumbles in pain. The Nubian prince does a badass leap! And he's not even the protagonist! Herc yells at the bull to keep it away from Jason and does a less badass leap... but he does make it, and the crowd cheers anyway. The girl distracts the bull and leaps! The crowd cheers. The guy in charge looks pissed.

Just as Pasiphae is about to stab Jason's head, Medusa makes a noise / sets something on fire? Pasiphae runs out, and Medusa grabs the poppet. Now Jason is better! Jason gives Pythagoras a pep talk, since he also has to leap in order for them to win. Pythagoras's leap has no grace whatsoever, but he does it... which is better than I would do under the circumstances, let's be honest. He's so thrilled!!

Of course, Jason goes last because DRAMA. His flip is the best, because he's the LEAD, but I argue that the Nubian prince is more impressive because he's actually, you know, PRACTICED, instead of being just MAGICALLY TALENTED AND ALL.

They win! Ariadne loves Jason even more! Group hug for the five members of the team! Atlantis loves them! Minos tries to put a good face on it. They're free! Medusa yells out to Hercules and waves. She saved them all and didn't get caught! Nice!

Pasiphae tries to be nice to Ariadne, and she's not buying it. Pasiphae's all like, This is why being nice never works.

The Nubian prince is going to return the girl to her village and then go home. He invites the trio to visit, so I guess we'll see him again?? I hope so, I like him. The marketplace is still full of watermelons and Herc is convinced that Medusa returns his affections because she saved their lives and... sigh. Okay, then.

Anyway, all's well that ends well (I guess), but I have so many questions. Do any of these characters actually have jobs? What do they do for money? Are they going to get hauled before Minos and Pasiphae for not paying rent in the next episode? What does the Oracle think about all this? What happened to the two-headed dragons? Where are all the watermelons coming from? Does anybody in Atlantis actually buy them or do they just sit on that one dude’s cart and that’s why it’s always so full? Are the main characters going to go back to square one by the end of every episode or will the plot actually build on something? Will Jason and Ariadne actually talk to each other, or will they continue to gaze soulfully across the throne room while Jason’s a Very Naughty Boy Who Must Be Punished?

Apparently, the preview for the next episode makes it very clear it will be A BABY EPISODE, so we’ll see how many of these questions are answered.

#lily liveblogs #bbc atlantis

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allsystemsarenotgo · 4 years

Text

A friend and I were talking one day, and she shared this with me.

She was much like me, raised with a quarter between the knees, terrified of the things we were taught to avoid and trying to live reasonably noble lives. She wasn't allowed Birth Control for religious reasons (pro-life) as well as to prevent enablism. Her family was much more religious than mile, though I still went to church during my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years of high school.

She married a guy 10 years older than herself, who was a long-time routine customer of her family's business. They married right after she graduated high school, long before she applied to higher education.

She is a nurse now. She has 3 kids, works long hours at a hospital, and her husband is a successful farmer as he always has been. She struggled at times, but she made it through.

She knows life would have been easier without the first child, but she was innocent and naiive and I think she realizes that she jumped in the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim.

I did the same thing.

All through high school I pledged to abstinence until marriage. I hated everything to do with sex. The topic, the drama, the action, the result. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I also never dated through grade school at all. I never had a girlfriend. Plenty of crushes (M.S. above being one of them), but just as many denials. Because I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have FFA animals, or play athletics, I also wasn't a member of any social group. I was always the kid in the corner of the cafeteria scarfing food down in 5 minutes and sleeping the other 20, or asking to go to a teacher's classroom, where it was serene and quiet.

My freshman year of college, I even wrote an essay on abstinents for English class. That really didn't go over well in regards to having to read it out loud. There might as well have been fruit flying at me.

My dorm was set up such that we had 3 private bedrooms that shared a living space and bathroom. One of the roommates always had girls over, and he never tried to be quiet (or if he did, he failed...badly).

So those two things were my indoctrination to college life. Getting judged and leered at for writing an abstinence essay, and having to listen to a roommate multiple times a week.

Towards the very end of my freshman year, a girl from high school messaged me. We started talking, and she admitted that she had always had a crush on me and was too shy to ever say anything.

Error #1: For no good reason whatsoever, I agreed to formulate a relationship with this female

So when I moved home from the dorms, I hung out with the lass a few times, but my parents were moving out of the country and closer to my school, so I could live at home. That meant that this would now be a 1.5-hour-each-way medium-distance relationship.

So every 4th or 6th weekend during the remainder of that summer and into the fall semester, I would drive up and spend a day with her. Sometimes, I would drive her out of the country and into the city to give her a glimpse of escape (it was very impoverished where we grew up).

Error #2: Doing whatever made her happy

I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. She got me a purity necklace for Christmas that year. She said she understood that my preference meant something to me.

But then, something changed. She would start dropping enuindos and jokes and send me photos that I didn't ask for.

Error #3: Not standing up for myself

She said that I meant something to her, and asked me if she meant something to me. At the time, I did not comprehend that as a trap...but I wanted to make her happy, so I said "yes".

The next thing I know, she is booking a hotel for us for Valentine's day. Wherein, I learned a thing or two or five or ten that I really wasn't interested in learning in the first place.

-Provides Clorox to help scrub the thoughts from your mind-

After that, she wanted me to come see her more and more often. But I was tied up with school and life.

Mind you, we usually had a phone call every night, or at least every other night. Same time, right before bed. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone with eachother.

Error #4: Accepting anything as fact

Well one night, I called her, and she answered...but it was noisy in the background, like she was driving. But she never talked while driving, and wouldn't answer the phone with family in the car.

She said she was in a friend's car and they were going to the beach for the night, which was completely reasonable for the time of year and her group of friends. She cut the conversation short saying they had arrive, so we bid our greeting. But she didn't hang up, and something told me that I shouldn't either. So I didn't.

"Who was that?"

"Don't mind him. He was just calling to check on me. He's controlling like that."

"He sounds like a jerk"

"Enough about him. He won't do this."

-Provides more clorox-

And that's how I found out that her primal needs were more important than our "relationship".

Unfortunately, shortly after I broke up with her, I was sent a photo of her quite visibly pregnant. Fortunately, the timetable did not add up to Valentine's day (aside of the fact that it was physically/biologically 95% impossible).

That summer, I started a job at the student newspaper. Right off the bat, one of the graphic artists and I got along very well. We spent way too much time at work talking to eachother and goofing off, instead of working. Enough so that our boss took notice and things got tense for a bit with him. We still cranked out work no problem, but we were both too young to understand workplace policy and procedure when it comes to "dating but not dating", which is basically exactly what we were doing. We spent alot of time together. I would go to her dorm after class and we would watch movies and just goof off or do whatever. We enjoyed time together.

Error #1: So cliché. So, so cliché.

So Valentine's day rolls around, and she asks 'the question'.

So something in biology: There is a term called "Once an animal has the taste of blood, they will always hunt for it." Unfortunately, humans can sometimes be considered a sub-species of the animal kingdom.

Like the dumbass that I am, I accept to the terms and conditions.

And at the end of the night, she asks: "So are we officially dating now?"

"I...I guess?", I answered nervously.

Errors #2 to #457: Not escaping

And just like that, I was suckered into nearly 2.5 years of having a FWB while having to, very creatively at times, mask it as a legitimate relationship.

We enjoyed the time we spent together.

We enjoyed going places together.

My mum liked her, her parents liked me. (Dad was skeptical at best and thought I could do better)

The small issue: I struggled to communicate at times. I didn't know how to find my voice, so there were times that I would have to text her how I felt. Sometimes I would hide in a corner just so I could cry. (I later learned of my autism, and it all made sense and I learned how to resolve this)

The big issue: I was completely burned out on intimacy. After almost 2.5 years of emulating laboratory rabbits, I was done. My usefulness had expired.

The biggest issue: We were both suffering academically. We had no common interests at all anymore, and we had put eachother ahead of our own academics so much that we were both risking academic expulsion.

So we mutually agreed to break up.

She dropped out of university (and never went back or finished her schooling), and I changed majors twice before getting my Bachelor of Science.

My first relationship lasted from June 2009 to April 2010.

My second "relationship" lasted from February 2011 until May 2012 (Although we started spending time together in significant amounts starting August 2010)

I have not had a girlfriend since May 2012.

I had one friend in my senior year of college, who gave me some non-physical affection while also keeping me firmly locked in the friendzone. But quality time, by itself, only goes so far.

I have not had any physical affection since May 2012.

I have not spent quality time with a female since May 2013.

For most of that time, from May 2013 to August 2019, I really didn't mind it at all. I have been so tied up in working, hobbies, and life in general, that I completely ignored women.

But as my birthday loomed near in October 2019, it donned on me....I was on a crash course to being eternally lonely.

So I have tried online dating. I have gone on a few first dates, but no second dates.

Sometimes, I want to give up. The fight just doesn't seem worth the reward.

And honestly?

Sometimes I feel exactly like my friend's remarks at the top of this post. Sometimes I wish I would have been a little more rebellious, a little more care-free, a little more out-there.

But at the same time, ...

Sometimes I wish that neither relationship would have ever happened.

That I would have never learned the true definition of intimacy.

That I would have never done whatever it took to make the other person happy.

That I wouldn't have been such an easy push-over.

That I would have stuck to my initial pledge in life

That I would have spoke up more and defended myself.

All I am now, is damaged product.

I don't truly know how to love.

I don't truly know how to feel.

I don't truly know how to be myself.

I don't truly know how to be intimate.

I am human, I am male, so of course I have my moments. But I don't want that to be the reason for a relationship. I want it to be the least-important factor, or not a factor at all.

I want a relationship founded on trust, honesty, fortitude, common interests, personality, maybe even a little faith.

Not intimacy.

I just want to not be invisible, or to only have one attribute visible.

I want to be seen for all the other attributes.

I am not A-sexual. I still feel emotions and feelings. I just don't want to let them out of the locked box which contains them. Not without lots of context and preparedness.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Tommy & Meena

Tommy: [Late enough that the clean up is done and she could've potentially heard about some of the drama but not late enough that if there's a mcwalsh party whereby Ali gets knocked up that he wouldn't already be drunk at that feels like a starting point] Tommy: Cá mbeidh tú ag fliúchadh na seamróige? 🍀🧡💚 Meena: I was about to go down to the restaurant, just hang out there Meena: Caleb and Drew were going to some party but I was not invited so 🤷 Meena: What are you all up to? Tommy: 🍻🥃 Tommy: but the vibe's more drinking ourselves to death, doubt you want an invite either, like Meena: I think that's most people's vibe but they sound happier/more in denial about it...? Tommy: Yeah, it's casually cultural Meena: Yeah? Tommy: You're not feeling patriotic today? Meena: I don't really vibe it any day Meena: but that's not important Tommy: that's a no for the Irish dancing then, alright Meena: We can try Meena: I look even taller when I'm not allowed to move my upper body though Tommy: 😂 Meena: no leprechauns here Tommy: any 🌈💰? Meena: no more than normal 💔 Tommy: I'll be right there then 🌈✨ Meena: That's your superpower Meena: I don't know how 🍀🧡💚 Gus has gone, you'll probably feel more at 🏡 where you are Tommy: It ain't feeling very 🏡 but 💌 received Tommy: I'll stay put, feet & upper body Meena: Why not? Tommy: long story Tommy: you'll hear the short one at 🏫 probably Meena: You don't feel like telling it, understood Meena: is there anything I can do? Tommy: I don't know how to, more like Tommy: you'd redraft it before you were done with the 1st for being too Tommy: unreadable Meena: Nonsense poetry is my specialty Tommy: Yeah? Tommy: maybe you should've been there to roll out the welcome wagon for my new sister Meena: New sister? Meena: Oh, do you mean your mum's baby Meena: not baby now, from before Tommy: she definitely ain't a baby now Meena: So, she came and it went bad Meena: I'm so sorry, Tommy Meena: how bad are we talking? Tommy: bad as it gets Meena: Is your mum alright, I mean Meena: stupid question, but Tommy: It's a fair question & I wish the answer was yeah Tommy: or there was fuck all I could do Meena: That's terrible Tommy: I've gotta go back to school, how can I? Meena: For them Meena: sometimes all you can do is give everyone a small sense of normality Meena: even when you don't want to, or think you can't go on yourself Tommy: Ali can't hold down the fort all on her own, alright, she probably can, but she shouldn't have to Meena: She won't be Meena: she has Carly, and me and Ro and, loads of people, really Meena: I promise we'll all do what we can Tommy: Don't start me on Ro, she wasn't even there Meena: Where was she? Tommy: Fuck knows Tommy: I thought she might be with you Tommy: or your brother Meena: She wasn't with me Meena: maybe Drew but I doubt it, he's been out and about everywhere all day, obviously Tommy: she'll be at home then Meena: Oh, that's a bit Meena: I understand under normal circumstances the pub on St Paddy's is not her ideal place to be but as it was Meena: anyway, that's all to say, you don't need to worry about Ali, she has a good support system to support your parents and take care of Rocky Meena: do you have people YOU can talk to and lean on at school? Tommy: yeah, Carly's ace with him & Ali to have lasted this long, like Tommy: I ain't telling anyone at school about this, loads of 'em already think I'm trash Tommy: or come from it Tommy: they've got a point now Meena: No, they don't Meena: your family are some of the best people I know Meena: you're not anything to be ashamed of Tommy: Everyone around here knows that Joe would be your brother's best customer except he don't carry the right stuff & now loads of 'em also know she's as bad, nah, worse Tommy: & that together they're Tommy: I can't even fucking go there Meena: People shouldn't judge him by that, never mind you as his family Tommy: They do though Tommy: keeping my mouth shut about it at school is my best option Meena: as long as you can express yourself and have an outlet through your work, I can't say I blame you Meena: you don't have to tell everyone everything Tommy: or anything Tommy: 🩰 will do Meena: I shouldn't say anything against words, given who I am and what I want to be but Meena: a comfortable silence can be preferable to words you're unsure of, words that hurt, or that you don't want to speak into existence Tommy: Yeah, I'd take an uncomfortable silence over that too Tommy: everyone's hurting & unsure enough Meena: if it's good enough for Maya Meena: 🤐 Tommy: I didn't mean with you Meena: You can always talk to me Meena: no matter the quality or quantity of your words Meena: you know that Tommy: okay Meena: but no rush on it Meena: obviously Meena: and I won't fill the silence with total nonsense, like Tommy: but those poems are your speciality Tommy: self proclaimed, like, but still Meena: Rude to doubt me Meena: 🥬🐢🐌👑 Tommy: Gimme one then Tommy: best shot Meena Though some at my aversion smile, I cannot love the crocodile. Its conduct does not seem to me Consistent with sincerity. Meena: 🐊💔 Tommy: He is basically a 🐍 with feet Tommy: You 🖋 that? Meena: Sadly not Meena: I'll try to write something as appropriate scathing for your brother Tommy: Or as 💔 for me, yeah? Meena: Of course Meena: what could be better to cheer you up? 😏 Tommy: as a feel good goes it's obviously unrivalled even by 🍻🎵💃🕺 Tommy: that's the level of your talent Meena: You're either that drunk or you wish you were...code red either way Meena: you could come to the restaurant though, if you actually wanted Tommy: Get ahead at waiting tables for when the West End fucks me off & over Tommy: good thinking Meena: Please Meena: your name is already in lights, I can see it Meena: 🤩 Tommy: as you said please, I'll come Meena: manners maketh the man do what you want? Meena: interesting Tommy: works on this one Tommy: how much of a man I am is up for debate, usually Meena: People are idiots Meena: and too invested in stuff that doesn't affect them whatsoever Tommy: like you said, practically a local celeb at this point Meena: still, what's going on in your tights is just not their business Tommy: that's such a you way to put that Meena: I'll choose to take that as a compliment on me having a consistent voice Meena: though the alternatives are 🤔 Tommy: take as I miss you Meena: Are you back for long? Tommy: Nah, they ain't that patriotic either Tommy: I shouldn't even be here, wouldn't have been if she wasn't coming Meena: That's shittier Tommy: maybe JC is trying to keep me humble before I get too 🤩 Meena: It's Patrick that needs to make a second coming to banish your brother 🐍🐍 Tommy: he's already done that himself Meena: Oh, that was the purpose of today then? Meena: I get it Tommy: if he had one Tommy: might have just been out of his 🧠 on whatever 💊💉🥄🚬 Tommy: or worse so 😍 over her that's all that he gives a shit about besides the above Meena: Wait Meena: he's what? Tommy: you'll hear about it soon as you get back to class, they were doing it for everyone to see Tommy: her purpose given what it did to my ma Meena: Jesus Meena: that's Meena: you're right, no words Tommy: at least he one upped Fraze, I guess Meena: does make that situation seem totally run of the mill in comparison Meena: I have heard it happens Meena: when people who are related but estranged meet Meena: it's like a thing™ Meena: not that that helps you personally, obviously Tommy: Really?! Meena: [sends articles like nerd] Tommy: fucking hell Meena: It's crazy Meena: like you know there should be some strong emotional response but you kinda get it fucked up or something Meena: I don't know, science isn't my forte Tommy: nor mine, but if anyone would get those kind of wires crossed, it would have to be him Tommy: Jesus Meena: at least he didn't have a wife and kids to leave or something like some of these people Meena: it's really sad Tommy: you didn't see her though, she's like Tommy: terrifying Meena: I don't think they have to be a hottie but it probably helps in some cases Tommy: 😂 Meena: how so though? like what was she like Tommy: Alright so if they were putting a modern twist on Frankenstein's monster for the stage she could play that, but she'd need serious anger management first Tommy: electroshock wouldn't be far off, funnily enough Meena: Okay, that does sound scary Meena: even if looks can be deceiving, is the moral my own life has hit home hard, sounds like the insides matched so Tommy: It was like if you took every teenage horror story my ma has told us, scraped off the sugarcoating and then mixed that with the worst shit Fraze has ever done when he's on one, you still wouldn't come close to the mark Meena: I know the sort you mean Meena: no matter how well Drew and Caleb think they do with protecting me, I've had plenty of people approach me asking for them, messing with me Tommy: this once I'm gutted you know what I mean then Tommy: 'cause fuck that Meena: mostly it's the former and it's stupid little kids who want some weed or pills, that's just annoying but yeah Tommy: you know boxing's footwork is dead easy, I could teach you what my dad taught me Tommy: any time you want Meena: thanks Meena: at least my height would finally work in my favour, right? Meena: better reach Tommy: bigger 🎯 too remember Tommy: you have to keep your guard up to protect that face Meena: sounds like you're saying I'm 🌚 Tommy: 😮 Tommy: that's awkward Meena: *frantically googles how to shrink head* Tommy: nah, it's awkward 'cause you grew into your head ages ago & I didn't throw you a 🥳 or anything Tommy: must of happened all of a sudden or without me realising Meena: grew into it?! Meena: so I was a bobblehead before, thanks so much 😂 Tommy: only slightly Meena: I'm only slightly 💔 then Tommy: don't be, it was endearing Tommy: you were a cute kid Meena: okay 👵 Meena: no need to patronize me Meena: my head is only literally big, not metaphorically Tommy: come on, a 🍭 is a great look Meena: Better than a pea-head Tommy: or a 🍐 head like I've got Meena: it's distinguished Meena: be gutted you don't want to be a character actor Tommy: nice save, you can teach me ⚽ when we're done with 🥊 Meena: Sounds good to me Tommy: 👍 Tommy: [show up boy cos the restaurant can't be that far from the pub surely] Meena: [have a nerdy but more chill time, Gus loves everyone he's a good egg, I say you should go to this party for the drama of it all sod it] Tommy: [agreed x 2 the restaurant would have such a nice vibe when Drew and Caleb aren't there which they obviously aren't rn and then yeah we can get more messy with it] Meena: [okay so the plan, we having a lovely time (given the circumstances tonight lol) then her boyf shows up] Tommy: [I just picture her bf being so underwhelming like no offense but he'd have to be someone that Tommy didn't clock on socials so when he realises he's like oh and then dials his campness up to 1000000 being that gay BFF stereotype which she would pick up on immediately cos that's not how he is with her except when he's hiding behind it cos things are uncomfortable between them. I just imagine him raiding Ali & Carly's makeup and wardrobe and making the gayest cocktails he can and getting Meena involved and stealing her attention] Meena: [he wouldn't be and he's also lowkey an arsehole as per her type so he wouldn't be all ❤ on her socials anyway, but all this can be a thing 'cos not seeing the gay boy as a threat and probably wants to get drunk so] Tommy: [don't beat him up Tommy you don't want her to think you're doing it for Drew and Caleb like reasons] Meena: [at least we know you two are distracted] Tommy: [thanks for also getting Carly and Ali involved in your gay antics because we all need whatever fun we can get] Meena: [until you gotta go pregnant Ali] Tommy: [lord, I hope Tommy has left by then] Meena: [lordt] Tommy: [casual 3way with your missus and the less attractive drug dealer in town] Meena: [thank god your genetics are solid underneath that mess boy] Tommy: [and we know Rio looks like Ali anyways] Meena: [you do alright out of it kids] Tommy: [it could be so much worse] Meena: [blame your dad for your insecurities grace] Tommy: [and your evil nan] Meena: [junie is just #unique like no one looking like you boy, the closest is fraze as your uncle] Tommy: [unless he looks like Caleb's dad because we don't know him] Meena: [who can say baby] Tommy: [anyway take a moment to appreciate all the Tommy and Meena dancing everyone, giving you that for free] Meena: [love that] Tommy: [soz shit bf he is a threat because their chemistry especially when they are dancing is ridiculous goodbye] Meena: [deffo gonna get mardy at that and go off to have an argument] Tommy: [are you happy now Thomas? Thought not] Meena: [awkwarddd] Tommy: [get drunker boy that'll totally make it better and not worse] Meena: [cry in the bathroom that's a mood] Tommy: [ruin your make up, oh babe] Meena: [everyone else is so wrecked you'll fit in] Tommy: [by not doing drugs you're one of the least messy] Meena: [exactly dr phil] Meena: [the next day] Meena: Have a safe flight back Tommy: Cheers, I'll probably just 💤 Meena: Can't blame you Tommy: did you get any? Meena: Yeah, I'm fine Meena: had to get up early to clean the restaurant though so not as much as I'd ideally want Tommy: had another 🌱🍏🍈🥬🌿🍐🥝🥒🌼 juice, yeah? Tommy: that's pretty patriotic, you know Tommy: better late than never, like Tommy: throw 🍊🍑🥕 in there too & you're sorted Meena: Yeah, I bet EVERYONE in this fair nation is starting a juice cleanse this AM, not having a fry-up, nah Tommy: 😏 Tommy: green eggs & ham would keep you in theme Meena: 🤢 Tommy: fair 🍳🥞🧇🥓🥐🥯🍞 then Tommy: take your pick Meena: are you gonna post it to me? Tommy: be messy if you're having 🍳 or 🥞 but saves me having to use any words Meena: Probably best to stick to non-perishables Meena: best option for us both, like Tommy: Yeah Meena: How was it, this morning Meena: before you left Tommy: how you'd expect Meena: Yeah Tommy: Bea has to leave too so Fraze's dramatics will take centre stage for a sec but Meena: Distraction is probably the best technique for right now Tommy: worked last night Meena: I bet the parties you have in London are even better Tommy: only 'cause we 🩰 ain't supposed to be partying Meena: and what's more fun than prohibition, sure Tommy: forbidden 🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍌🍉🍇🍓🍈🍒🍑🥭🍍🥥🥝 juice is my fave, can't lie Meena: 🙄😏 Meena: enjoy Tommy: you're not supposed to give me your blessing, sucks the fun right out Tommy: forbidden, remember Meena: I'm not a teacher Tommy: yeah you are, whenever Anne needs you Meena: Okay, smartypants Meena: there's nothing I could teach YOU Tommy: not with THAT attitude Meena: 🤨 maybe next time Meena: bring your own 🩰 Tommy: & 🥊 Meena: a look Tommy: the 🩳 are too Meena: what do you wear on your top half though Meena: leotard? Tommy: lads don't usually wear anything to show off 💪 Meena: Who are you showing off to? Tommy: The other lad of course, name a sport that ain't homoerotic Meena: not when you come back here Tommy: when I come back here most of all Meena: no boys in my classes Tommy: Anne's been a letdown from the very beginning, what can I say? Tommy: you're on your own, Meeps Meena: I'll survive Tommy: I know

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