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#but i hate feeling like i have to use concealer. etc etc.

runa-falls · 10 months

Note

I saw that you think Miguel is a thigh man 😩 can I request him x reader who's thighs clap when they run or so some type of activities. I got that problem sadly 😵‍💫😮‍💨

yes, of course!! i love talking ab our thigh fucker ;^)

cw: body insecurities, thigh chafing (yeouch), fluffy reassurances, small bit of smut (OK IM SORRY 😳 i didn't see that coming [yes i did.]), just oral and uh, a bit of marking, not proof read!!

---

you've never enjoyed prolonged physical activity: running, swimming, biking, etc, because you hated the way your thighs would slide against each other; uncomfortably chafing your skin and making noticeable sounds.

so when miguel proposed a hike for your weekly date, you were hesitant to agree. unfortunately, he's very good at persuading you...

that's how you found yourself on a narrow trial shrouded with trees, taking slow, cautious steps as you attempt to keep your thighs from touching as much as usual.

of course, it only helped so much. your inner thighs were still chafing and getting sore, but you try to conceal your pain as much as possible, too embarrassed to mention anything to miguel.

though your boyfriend is the most loving and accepting man you've ever met, you still haven't told him of your insecurity. you're afraid that once you mention something to him, he'll notice your thighs even more.

miguel is pacing himself, making sure to slow down with you so he doesn't leave you behind (he does this hike all the time). he adjusts his baseball cap, making sure his wild curls are smooshed down as he watches you walk toward him.

you look beautiful today. you always look beautiful. but there's something about see you in this condition that make him twitch in his shorts.

he loves the way your chest heaves as you take deep breaths, your tits pressing desperately against the thin fabric. how droplets of sweat roll over the contours of your cleavage, outlining what he wants to see the most. and how your leggings look like they were painted on, completely revealing the overwhelming softness of your thighs and how they press so sweetly together.

he can barely take his eyes off of you.

but he can't help but notice how odd you're acting too.

he's perplexed as to why you're taking such big steps and moving like you'd rather be anywhere but there, with him. why your face is tense, yet completely blank at the same time.

there's clearly something wrong, but you've been silent this whole hike.

"baby, you doing alright?" you seem to be lost in your thoughts as you stare down at your dirt-scuffed sneakers, you don't even notice he's stopped in front of you. he calls out to you again, "babe?"

"hm?" you look up, pausing your unnatural movements to give your legs a rest, "oh, yeah...i'm fine" you attempt a smile, but even you can tell it looks fake and performative. his eyes bloom with concern as he notices how your legs are shaking under you.

"what's going on, sweetheart? are you hurt?"

"no...it's just," you look away, still apprehensive to mention anything.

he pushes, hand reaching for yours, "just what?"

"i-my thighs are chafing..." you say softly, looking back at him. he's frowning. "b-but i can keep going!" you start walking again, willing yourself to continue even though it hurts.

"baby, wait," he stops you, "don't hurt yourself. i didn't realize you were having trouble this whole time."

you shrug, "it's ok, i'm used to it."

"sweetheart, come here." he has his back turned towards you, coaxing you over to him. "get on."

"get on?"

"i'll carry you back to the car."

"no! you don't have to--"

"i want to." he interrupts, "then when we get home, we'll take a nice bath and get you all patched up."

"what about the rest of the trail?"

"we can just get our work out in at home..."

---

you sigh as warm water washes over the inflamed skin of your inner thighs. it stings sharply, but the pain feels oddly satisfying, especially as miguel thoroughly lathers shampoo in your hair.

"feel better?"

you hum, eyes closing as his fingers attentively massage your scalp.

"why didn't you tell me that you were hurting earlier?"

"i dunno, it just wasn't that big of a deal, mig."

"it was. you were barely able to sit without your hands between your thighs."

you snort, "i thought you liked it when i do that."

you yelp when you feel him tug sharply at your hair. "you know what i meant." he growled, clearly unhappy you're trying to avoid the subject.

"it's embarrassing."

"what's embarrassing?" his hands start to cup water onto your head, washing the suds from your hair until you're squeaky clean.

"my thighs." his movements stop suddenly.

"what about them?"

"they're...too big."

"too big?" he genuinely sounds baffled, almost scoffing in disbelief.

"yeah, they're always touching and they make this...clapping sound when i do certain physical movements..."

"so?"

"so?" you turn your head to look at him, questioning eyes meeting his scarlet stare. his red irises are mere slivers with how blown out his pupils are, heavy with lust.

"yeah, so what?"

"so...i don't like them." you voice is small as you look at him shyly, cheeks blooming with heat under the stringiness of your wet hair.

"well i love them."

---

miguel presses gentle and sweet kisses over your tender skin, relieving all the pain from your chafed inner thighs with just a touch of his lips. your legs are hooked over his shoulders as he makes his way up your body.

the prominent shape of his fangs press against his top lip as his sharp maroon stare fixes right at the apex of your thighs. you can tell he's holding himself back by the way his fingers grip bruises into the tops of your legs.

"baby, you have no idea," he takes a deep breath, eyes closed as his nose nuzzles at your inner thigh, "how fucking perfect you are."

"mig, please!"

he smiles cloyingly, letting you watch his fangs retract before he dips his head closer to your center. he wouldn't want to hurt you...

he locks eyes with you when he experimentally slips his tongue through your soaking lips, only giving you enough attention to keep you buzzing. he's delicately laving against you, feeling you tense and pant under him as he slowly builds up your pleasure.

a haze of lust instantly clouds over his darkened eyes and you watch as he gets lost in the taste of you. he pushes in deeper, tongue fucking you, slurping and sucking, while spilling muffled groans over your pulsing cunt as your thighs begin to tighten around him.

he flicks over your aching clit, drinking in your whimpers, moans, and cries as he teases you, pulling back every so often until you bury your hand into his curls and force him down onto you.

you're nearly suffocating him with your thighs when he start suckling you into his mouth, muscles trembling against him as you grow closer to the edge, and he loves it.

his silky lips and slick tongue push you straight off the edge. you hold on to him as your body writhes with white hot pleasure, hand in his hair and thighs around his head. you can barely hear the muffled groans he makes from how lost in ecstasy you are.

but he groans, and grunts, and then freezes.

"did i just..." he unwraps your legs from around him and sits up, tugging his briefs down in disbelief. your bleary eyes open, eyes glazed and unfocused from the intensity of your orgasm. "shit."

you look down and are graced with a beautiful mess that drips from his cock and the black fabric of his boxers.

you can't help the amused smile that spreads over your lips, "you need some help cleaning that up?"

#anon #miguel o'hara #miguel o’hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o'hara smut #fluff #miguel o’hara smut

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spidernuggets · 4 months

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hi hiii love ur stuff, may i req hcs about jason dating a super femme girly girl, like wears mKeup, wears bows in her hair, gets her nails done n stuff etc? Also being a civillian, im ngl i feel like he’d be super protective, but i just think it would be so cute and he’d be the scary gaurd dog bf lmaoo

been waiting for a request forEVAH

Jason Todd x GirlyFem!Reader HCs

I feel like he'd date a very girly girl who is a hoarder and does not keep things in place. Like you have a shit ton of different types of mascara, concealer, pink eyeshadow. And when Jaspn mentions why you have so much pink eyeshadow, you claim that it's one shade for different occasions.

You also have a huge collection of accessories

Hair accessories, rings, bracelets, earrings

And with all these collections, you tend to lose them all.

"Jason!! Where's my pink bow!!" "You mean this one?" "Jason- No! That's Flamingo pink! I'm looking for Lemonade pink!"

He would help you choose what nail design to pick from when you get your nail done. You like your nails a little longer than average, but Jason's worried that they would easily break, bht you assure him that you're used to them.

In the end, he chooses red and pink nails (to have your nails match with his colour too 🤭🤭), with white pearls and heart charms.

You tell him he can come back later because you'd think that he would hate to wait around for your nails to get done. But Jason is an absolute sucker for you. You can have like a 5 hour nail appointment and he'd still wait with you.

You like wearing short skirts, and you always wear shorts underneath just in case, but Jason is so paranoid. He doesn't want others to look at you. He always thinks he's overreacting, but that doesn't stop him from walking close behind you while the two of you are out.

Even though you have so many accessories, every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and such, Jason would always gift you with a more expensive piece of jewellery. Like for your anniversary, Jason gifted you a Swarovski necklace that had pink roses around it. And you never take it off unless you're showering our plan to head out in a crowded place and you'd be scared of losing it.

I think girly reader would wear very graphic makeup. Like pink hearts and white sparkles everywhere or butterfly wings on the outer corner of your eyes. When you're unsure of a makeup look you wanna do, you'd ask Jason to be your model. He'd groan and let you try your makeup on him, but he makes you swear you won't tell any of his siblings.

And when your face lights up, thinking that the makeup look on him was perfect, you rush out to do it on yourself, and he thinks if your face looks like that every time you just put makeup on him, then it's worth it.

Sometimes, when you go clubbing with your friends, you'd assure Jason that you'd be fine on your own, but the both of you have a worried feeling in your guts. So when you leave, you're kind of hoping Jason is following you. And obviously he is.

So when some big, strange, older man comes to try to feel you up, you shove him away, telling him you have a boyfriend. But him being stronger than you, he continues to push.

Luckily, your bigger and stronger boyfriend comes to help you, reminding the weirdo that you have a boyfriend. Jason doesn't need to say mire because the man is running away like a scared dog.

Your friends swoon over Jason, but you don't need to worry about being jealous because you already know how much Jason is devoted to you.

Since he's already there with you, why not enjoy yourself with him while you're both at the club?

You'd ask Jason if you can have matching nails with him. It didn't need to be acrylic nails. You just wanted the colours to match . And unfortunately for Jason, he could never say no to you.

So he glares at his siblings, especially his brothers, when they try to question his choices of colours painted on his nails.

Whenever the two of you are together at home, watching a movie or something, he loves to have you sit on his lap, especially when you're wearing a skirt, wink wink.

You try to match outfits with him without him knowing. He noticed, of course. So he's wearing his iconic brown leather jacket, you're wearing your light pink leather jacket.

You'd teach Jason how to style hair, so every now and again, you'd ask him to do your hair for you, obviously decorating it with a bow.

Eventually, when Jason tells you about his alter ego, Red Hood, you think he's the coolest and bravest man alive, in comparison to Jason's initial idea of how you'd react. He'd think that you'd drop him, leaving him on his own.

But when you meet some of Jason's female friends and colleagues, you get jealous that they're more skilled, brave, and closer to Jason's occupation than you'd ever be. Especially when you find out that some of them, like Rose Wilson and Artemis Grace, used to have some sort of romantic relationship with him.

So, for the first time in a while, you start to doubt your position in your relationship. You start wearing darker clothes, darker eyeshadow. Hell, you stopped wearing bows for a while!!

Jason quickly notices this and asks worryingly why the drastic change in appearance.

And when you confess it's to be similar to his exes, he takes the black leather jacket off you, takes a bow laying nearby (there's always at least one or two bows lying around wherever you are) and places it in you hair, giving you a soft kiss on the lips.

He assures you that he doesn't need you to be or look like them.

Because it was you who he fell in love with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This turned into a half oneshot for a hot second.

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malusokay · 11 months

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How to be like Jang Wonyoung

As many of you requested, part 2 of my it girls series is all about Jang Wonyeong, who's not only absolutely STUNNING, but also incredibly talented, hardworking, and of course successful. Let's get right into it!! <33

Wonyoungs Energy:

Wonyoung is incredibly charismatic, which makes her stand out without even trying!!

She has a bubbly and likeable Personality, Wonyoung appears happy and welcoming, she easily lights up a room with just her presence.

Aside from being cute and cheerful, Wonyoung is also known for being extremely hardworking!!

Confident and Unbothered. Despite receiving quite a bit of unnecessary hate, Wonyoung stays indifferent and true to herself!!

Elegant and feminine. No one does the ‘Elegant feminine self-love girly’ aesthetic like her, she is THE girly girl!! <3

Mindset:

Learn to deal with jealousy, Wonyoung gets plenty of hate, but let's be real for a second… we all know that is because of jealousy. Pretty, successful, smart, and popular? Of course, people will be jealous!!

“While practising self-love, you see good and pretty things about yourself. If I focus only on those things, I don't need to pay much attention to the criticism.”

Don't compare yourself to others “You are you, I am me”.

Keep to yourself. Stop telling people your ideas, your dreams and how you plan to archive them, your goals etc. Let your actions speak for themself!! <3

No more negative self-talk!!

Be your number 1 priority!! Take care of yourself, do what's good for you, eat well, care for your body, skincare, haircare, and your education!! PRIORITIES

Skincare

Skincare. Wonyoung has Flawless skin, finding a skincare routine that works for you can help you archive similar results!!

Wonyoungs skincare routine:

According to Google, Wonyoung only uses Innisfree products and starts by double cleansing her face, for that, she uses the Green Tea Cleansing Oil ($24), and the Green Tea Amino Acid Face Cleanser ($12)

To get the dewy class skin effect, hydration is key!! In the morning, Wonyoung likes using the Green Tea Hyaluronic Acid Serum ($30) and the Dewy Glow Tone-up Cream ($26)

Of course, you can't forget SPF. Wonyoung uses the Mild Cica Sunscreen Tone-Up SPF 50+ PA ++++, which is also great for acne-prone and sensitive skin types!! :)

For her night routine, she likes the Retinol Cica Moisture Recovery Serum ($37) and the Dewy Glow Jelly Cream ($26).

Elevate your daily life:

Healthy diet. Eating nutritious and healthy food is the first and most important step to clear skin and an overall good feeling!! Make sure to eat enough protein (ex. yoghurt, chicken, tofu or eggs), lots of fruits and veggies, and healthy fats (ex. Avocados, fish, nuts, olive oil)!!

Exercise daily. Besides dancing, Wonyoung loves pilates!! You can find lots of great Pilates videos on YouTube!!

Work on your posture!! Having good posture will not only make you feel better but also lets you appear more confident, elegant and put together. Try daily stretching and exercises to improve it <3

Try establishing a proper morning and night routine, this can help you stay structured and relaxed even on more messy and busy days.

Content that makes you feel better!! Start watching channels like thewizardliz, vogue beauty secrets, and read motivating blogs. (like mine lol <3)

Makeup:

Wonyoung is known for her iconic glittery and feminine make-up!!

Light pink blush, plump lips, glowy skin and a glittery but not too heavy eye look.

Foundation on the centre of your face and blend outwards for a naturally contoured look.

Always apply your matt products before your shimmers, that way, your makeup looks cleaner!! Also, apply your glitters from finest to chunkiest. :)

Don't apply your shimmers/glitters past the middle of your eyelid to avoid looking puffy.

If you have warm-toned skin, go for peachy glitters, for cool-toned skin, choose a champagne-coloured one.

If your struggle with dark under eyes, blend your concealer with your fingers!! This will give it a lot more coverage.

You can find lots of tutorials on Wonyoung-inspired make-up on YouTube, this one is my favourite.

I hope this little guide was helpful, I wasn't too familiar with Wonyoung, but I did some research since she was the number 1 most requested person for this!! :)

As always, please feel free to share your own suggestions in the comments and let me know who you want me to write about next! <3

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

#malusokay #girl blogger #aesthetic #coquette #dream girl #it girl #pink blog #that girl #pinterest #pink pilates princess #wonyoung #jang wonyoung #ive wonyoung #miu miu #glow up #girl blogging #girly things #beautytips

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gonzo-rella · 1 year

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Fluff Alphabet: Jamie Tartt

Inspired by this post by @snk-warriors

MASTERLIST | AO3 | KO-FI

Relationship(s): Jamie Tartt x gn!reader (romantic)

Warnings: None! (Let me know if I need to add any)

(A/N: I figured I’d finally try out the alphabet format. Let me know if you’d be interested in me doing this for another character, and feel free to send me other alphabet layouts to try out! Plus, just feel free to send in Jamie requests. Also, apologies if some of this makes my love for Keeley beyond obvious.)

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

At first, Jamie loves to take you out to dinner, shopping, or wherever he can spend money on you.

Over time, though, I feel like he’ll become more content with just having a night in with you, doing some mundane thing like watching a film.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

I feel like Jamie’s grown to become far less shallow, so his appreciation for you is well-rounded. As cheesy as it sounds, he really appreciates who you are as a person. It’s not something he’s used to in relationships (even though Keeley had plenty to appreciate outside of her appearance).

That said, I do imagine there are physical characteristics of yours that he could spend a lifetime gazing at. If he had to choose anything specific, it’d probably be your smile and your eyes. He’s not used to people being genuinely warm to him, so it makes his heart melt when you look at him and smile at him.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Jamie will give you his full attention when you’re not feeling great. It’ll break his heart to see you looking almost broken, but he’ll engulf you in a hug and tell you everything’s going to be alright.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Jamie’s previous relationships have been relatively shallow; you’re probably the first person he’s considered an actual future with. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

At the very least, he wants you to live with him. He loves the idea of waking up next to you every morning and falling asleep beside you every night.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

You and Jamie are on equal footing in your relationship. It’s quite unexpected, since he’s a well-off footballer and you’re... well, not.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Oh, God, Jamie hates fighting with you, especially with the history of his dad. If you end up yelling at him or express anger/frustration, he’ll immediately go into panic mode because I feel like he might associate fighting with anyone with his dad being a dick to him. He’ll worry that you don’t love him anymore and he’ll just generally feel like shit. He might need a bit of space for a given period of time, but he’ll forgive you if forgiveness is warranted.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He doesn’t really express it a whole lot (at least at the start of your relationship), but he is so grateful to have you as his s/o, since he’s not exactly used to being appreciated as a person (not to bring up his dad again, but-).

If his breakup with Keeley taught him anything, it’s that he should be grateful for what he has when he has it. He’s definitely learned his lesson.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

At first, I imagine that he’s conscious about unloading too much of his emotional baggage onto you, so he’ll end up concealing his insecurities until you kind of pick up on them yourself. It’s not even like he views any of this as secrecy; he just thinks he’s shielding you from... well, himself. He’ll definitely become more and more comfortable opening up as your relationship develops, though.

When it comes to things that aren’t his emotional problems, though, he doesn’t have anything he really hides from you.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Being with you is part of what inspires Jamie on his road to self-improvement (of course along with multiple other things). You make him want to be a better person.

Since his relationship with his dad (wow, we’re sure mentioning his dad a lot) is less than ideal, I imagine that you’ll probably help him work through some of the issues he has been left with as a result of that. It’s nothing you can fix completely, but you definitely help him get through tough times.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

I feel like jealousy is something Jamie has to work on. He’s not crazy possessive nor does he get jealous easily, and it’s not like his jealousy is something you’d notice unless you were the most perceptive person on the planet.

When he experiences jealousy, it’s more linked to his insecurities. He’d probably just try to ignore it, or, failing that, seek your approval in some way. It might not be the healthiest way of dealing with it, and if you end up figuring out how he’s feeling he might open up.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Jamie absolutely prides himself on being a good kisser.

I feel like your first kiss with him would be surprisingly sweet. Like, you guys are both nervous (Jamie’s obviously trying to play it cool, and you tell him he doesn’t have to). He asks if he can kiss you, and you obviously agree. With that, he gently grabs your face and presses his lips to yours.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

He’s surprisingly awkward and nervous. Here’s how I imagined his confession in part one of my critically-acclaimed duology Inadequate.

“I really like you. It’s not because I think you’re fit. I mean, you’re still pretty fit, but, like, I dunno, I like who you are too, probably more than how you look. That doesn’t always happen for me.”

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

I feel like marriage isn’t something overly important to Jamie. He knows that he wants you in his life forever, but he doesn’t have strong feelings about marriage.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

The most common name he uses is probably ‘babe’. If you’d prefer, though, he’d probably call you some variation of your name (e.g. a shortened version of your name).

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

When he’s head-over-heels in love with you, he’s (to quote Roy) a bit less of an insufferable little prick.

He tries not to be all lovey dovey and he tries his best to play it cool, but sometimes he just can’t hide how happy you make him. He smiles to himself and his teammates often notices that he looks like he’s waiting for someone when you’re not around.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Jamie will definitely check in on what you’re comfortable with before doing anything, or, at the very least, he’ll listen to you if you express any discomfort.

If he had it his way, though, he’d constantly have his arm around you or have your hand in his, and he’d give you so many kisses. Mostly because he loves you, but part of him really likes to show off that you’re his s/o.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

Maybe this isn’t all that random, but he’s got a smart mouth. He’s very good at saying things that’ll totally fluster you, much to his delight.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Jamie tries his best to do what he thinks is romantic. He’ll take you out to the nicest restaurant (he’s paying, of course) and he’ll buy you gift after gift.

But I feel like, gradually, how he shows his love will become more personal, since he’ll learn more and more about what you like, and he’ll realise that you see romance in the personal rather than the material.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Since you’re (probably) incredibly supportive of him and his career, he’ll definitely reciprocate this support.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

He definitely leans more towards trying new things, though he does like having a balance between normalcy and stability and trying out new things.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

I feel like you’d probably underestimate how well Jamie knows you. When he gives a shit about someone, he picks up little things that might seem trivial to most others. He’ll definitely surprise you when he casually recalls something about you that you wouldn’t expect him to remember.

Jamie can be very empathetic. He’s been through some shit in his life despite the front he tries to put on, so odds are he understands how you feel. At the very least, he’ll try his best to understand.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

As I mentioned before, Keeley breaking up with him was a wakeup call he needed to start valuing his future S/Os.

So, he really does value you and your relationship. Of course, he’s come to value his friendships with the team, but he values your relationship just as much.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Jamie will definitely try to protect you from the press as best he can, and he’s sure to sort it out if any problems do arise.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

As you can probably guess, Jamie is incredibly affectionate. He’ll often greet you with a peck on the cheek or lips, and he’ll often find himself wrapped around you before and after you two go to sleep.

He's become desensitised to the bollockings from Roy about him being late because of these morning cuddles.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

It’s apparent when you’re on Jamie’s mind. He’ll become distracted, and it’s difficult for him to get his head in the game.

The best he can do is think about how he’ll get to see you soon, and he’ll just occupy himself until then.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Jamie will definitely go to great lengths for your relationship, and he’ll do whatever it takes- within reason- to maintain it.

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt #ted lasso x reader #ted lasso #x reader #x gender neutral!reader #x gn!reader #x gender neutral reader #x gn reader #fluff alphabet

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transmascpetewentz · 9 months

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Moving The Goalposts: Infighting, Exorsexism, and Transandrophobia

I want to start this off not by getting directly into the meat of my theory, but instead by showing all of you a post that I came across today that illustrates exactly what I am talking about when I say that transandrophobes, and specifically TEHMs in this case, move the goalposts in a way that causes infighting within the trans(masc) community. This is a post by a pretty well-known TEHM whose blog I've been watching for a while.

What Jackson is doing here seems pretty obvious on the surface. He's making fun of nonbinary people who were AFAB because he perceives them as fakers and/or trenders. However, when you take a look at some of the other things that he believes, you realize that it just isn't that simple.

This is a post by one of Jackson's mutuals on here. If you don't know what some of these phrases mean, "trans heterosexual" refers to gay trans people (in this case, it's likely focusing on transmascs, but this rhetoric harms transfem lesbians too), and "trans homosexual" refers to straight trans people. What lavenderlad is trying to do is infantilize non-straight trans people, acting like we are complaining about nothing (maybe hysterical, even) for pointing out the oppression that we face from cishets and cis queers alike.

But it goes even deeper.

This right here is a very interesting post, specifically because lavenderlad seems to have changed his tune completely. As opposed to infantilizing us like in the previous post, he has now switched to transandrophobic conspiracy theories about how we are apparently some sort of dominant societal force despite being less than 2% of the population. My antisemitism radar is going off right now, too, because this sounds suspiciously like your average antisemite talking about Jews. He went very quickly from treating us like we're little girls who can't do anything to treating us like evil, scary men who are trying to invade his space.

He moved the goalposts because it was convenient for him at this moment to contribute to the oppression of gay trans men.

To elaborate, there's a specific type of transandrophobia seen in these circles that Jackson and lavenderlad are using. They are applying both maleness and femaleness to us. They infantilize us like we are women, and use our perceived femininity to justify gatekeeping us out of their spaces, while also using very common anti-gay male and generally anti-marginalized male stereotypes such as us being inherently aggressive, invaders, our bodies disgusting, etc. It's exorsexism, plain and simple.

And I feel like these posts show us how transandrophobes and transphobes in general can cause infighting within the trans community. A feminine nonbinary person might look at Jackson's first post and go "see! trans men have so much better than me!" but in fact, trans men, both binary and nonbinary, aren't actually treated any better. The grass is not greener. Trans men who try to conceal our birth sex and/or transness are considered liars, trying to invade spaces we don't belong, and more; but trans men and transmascs who do not try to pass, who don't try to conceal our transness, are accused of being "not really dysphoric."

Do not be fooled into thinking that transandrophobes would like you better if your gender expression was different. They don't want trans men to be displaying our transness, they don't want us to go stealth, and they don't want anything in between. They want us to be cis. Do not argue with your trans brothers about who society hates more; because society will see you as whatever will prove a transandrophobe's point. Address the root problems of patriarchy and transandrophobia instead of letting infighting eat us alive.

#wentz.txt #transandrophobia #free blocklist #long post #anti transmasculinity

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wishcamper · 3 months

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Heavy Lies the Crown: Rhysand, greatness, and the pressures of power

Or: the librarian’s daughter, former playwright, licensed counselor mashup of my nightmares dreams because I am vast, I contain multitudes.

No content warnings and no real HOFAS spoilers, I don't think, other than that he's in it but I feel like you know that by now. Spoilers for Breaking Bad (lol).

---

In working on my current fic (on ao3 here!) I've been thinking a lot about Rhysand and how he really goes off the rails in ACOSF and HOFAS. It's easy to chalk it up to poor writing, but I like the challenge of trying to make it make sense. What are Rhys’ motivations, truly? What would explain the vast array of heinous shit he does the text tells us is justified?

Rhys is shown over and over to be quite Machiavellian ('ends justify the means' dude, who was maybe writing satire). It's easy to list the times he shows this. The 50 year Velaris hostage situation. The bargain UTM with Feyre. The Weaver's cottage. Stealing the Book from Tarquin. CLARE BEDDOR. Infiltrating people's minds. Torture. Assassination. Allying with Kier. Concealing his wife's medical information. Being an ass to people in general. According to Mr. Machiavelli, any action is warranted if it the goal it achieves is morally important enough.

It seems like Rhys can justify anything to himself if he believes it will serve the greatest good at the end of the day. He does so many things with the air of “it’s for your own good” or “you’ll understand why one day” but that day never.. comes? Not yet anyway, which begs the question: is he that unself-aware, or is there a longer game he’s playing that all of these minor skirmishes are leading up to? What if he knows what's coming? And what kind of cause or threat would feel so great he could justify everything he does up to this point?

Okay I'm gonna talk about Aristotelean literary structure, please don't leave me.

The idea of a tragic hero is a character whose downfall is inevitable but who fights against it anyway. Hamlet is a classic example of a tragic hero, Oedipus being the de facto first, Walter White from Breaking Bad a more modern version. We see Walt learn he’s going to die in the first episode, in the middle he does a bunch of stuff to prevent his physical death (cancer) and metaphorical death (failure/obscurity), and then both his body and reputation die in the last episode as a direct result of his attempts to avoid fate. It’s blissful Aristotelean symmetry. *chef’s kiss*

Every tragic hero has hamartia, more commonly known as a ‘fatal flaw’. In Hamlet, his fatal flaw is procrastination, and his delays create space for all kinds of the fuck shit he was trying to prevent. It’s important to note that hamartia is by design a neutral term - not so much a flaw, but a trait, motivation, or decision that sets off the chain of events the character is trying to avoid. Tragedies have occurred equally from too much love as too much hate, and doing nothing is just as much a decision as doing something. The word itself comes from the Greek for ‘to miss the mark’. To try and fail, the backbone of tragedy.

One of the most common hamartia is hubris, a modern synonym for arrogance but which more specifically means an outsized belief in one’s ability to affect and control the future. Well-known tragic heroes taken down by hubris include our boy Walter White, Tony Soprano, Viktor Frankenstein, Achilles, Jay Gatsby, Kendall from Succession. It exists in real life, too: Lance Armstrong is a perfect example of a modern tragic hero brought down by hubris. And what do all these men have in common? Power, via money, fame, strength, the state, intellect, violence etc.

I’ve been enjoying looking at Rhysand through this tragic hero lens because while it doesn’t really make him more sympathetic, it does make his actions easier to understand logically, which is its own kind of humanization. If Rhysand is aware of a prophesied or fated event sometime in the future and is pulling the cosmic strings now, it must be incredibly important, like annihilation-level important, which is so much pressure.

So he grows to maturity with an understanding that he will one day have to face this intense evil that could completely destroy his world, and it plants in him a hubris. He believes that his immense power grants him a certain amount of influence automatically. And honestly, is he wrong?

And this is where it’s important to think about how power makes people weird. Power gives people a false sense of confidence in their actions and choices, because their status and privilege protect them from so many more consequences. In this way it’s easy to see how someone can get a big ego - no one is stopping me, so I must be doing well! Or: everything is going well for me, so I must be really killing it! I know I feel that way in the first tingles of hypomania, but hypomania is fundamentally a distortion of reality and I believe so is power.

Power not only gives people confidence but also access to make decisions for others. They begin to think they should share the success they’ve found by leading and guiding others to see how great it can be if you do what they say. Just look at one of those cringe 'billionaire morning routine' videos to see what I mean. It’s a very patronizing form of altruism, because the leader genuinely believes they have the people’s interest at heart. And I use the word patronizing intentionally - leaders have often referenced feeling paternal towards their people, Winston Churchill + FDR, 'God the Father'. Power and fatherhood have been linked for a long time. And direct from our girl Wikipedia, "paternalism is action that limits a person's or group's liberty or autonomy and is intended to promote their own good".

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently about how I think some men don’t have the experience of other people depending on them in a significant way until they get married and/or become fathers. Like, afab and femme people learn very early to be considerate of others, to think about how others feel, to act in ways that keep others happy, etc. This plants in us a sense of duty to perform in ways that please others, to smile, to create comfort and provide caretaking in every environment we enter. So by the time we get to marriage and motherhood, we already know how to put others’ needs before our own because we’ve been doing it from the jump.

For men, however, this can be a completely novel experience. And it seems like it's SO HEAVY FOR THEM. George ‘Father of his Country’ Washington just wanted to go back to Virginia the whole time he was President. So many men talk about the pressures of being a provider and their families depending on them in a way women don’t, and I think it’s because for the first time others truly depend on them and they don’t know how to handle it.

In response, they either shove down their emotions as patriarchy demands and have a midlife crisis, or they abdicate that responsibility and go completely absent physically and/or emotionally to continue living for themselves. (Obviously there are good men and dads out there, and bless you if you’re lucky enough to know, have, or be one.)

And this aspect of power feels relevant because from the text it seems like Rhysand is unraveling. Between Feyre, the baby, the Trove, Nesta and being threatened by her power, Koschei, Bryce, the whole High King shit - I think he’s starting to crack under the pressure. And honestly, I’m kind of surprised it didn’t happen before now.

According to Aristotle, the tragic hero must:

Be significant (virtuous/capable/powerful/important etc.)

Be flawed

Suffer a reversal of fortune.

Rhysie boy definitely ticks the first two. I wonder what it would look like to get to three? I don’t think Sarah has the balls, but it’s definitely enhanced my reading experience and given me a lot of interesting things to think about.

Okay that's all I've got. Love ya, see ya soon xx

#prythian university #acotar #acosf #rhys critical #sjm critical #tragic hero #lit crit #i love thinking way too deeply about things

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head-in-the-clouds-ahh · 1 month

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so idk if ppl are ever gonna see this but are the kotlc books worth it? (If you don't want to read the long rant just stop here but if you don't mind you're welcome to give me feedback on my opinions)

I'm on lodestar rn and the writing honestly feels so repetitive and childish - just like sth I would've written when I was 11 (like Fitz tugging on Sophie's ponytail, Keefe's jokes that do not match with his age, etc.)

everything is also so dragged out like so much of the nearly-700-page book is about the characters arguing but I feel like it's just pointless arguing SM put to lengthen the book. also an unreasonable amount is about the love triangle and how Sophie's heart flutters every time she sees Fitz.

I also feel like SM added too many characters and is struggling to give them enough page time. like in the first book Dex literally was the person who went on the adventure with Sophie and now it feels like he's just the technopath whenever they need something and it's such a shame considering Dex is one of my favorite characters. (but also idk if Dex likes Sophie or not because we've already got a love triangle and so much of the book is already fluff and talking about romance that i honestly just want a male character to have a platonic relationship w/Sophie)

not to mention the characters just do not feel fleshed out to me. they say stuff that teenagers don't say, the elven species are literally all gorgeous but there really isn't much elaboration or development on that aspect, and let's just take Sophie and Fitz for example.

personally, I think Sophie is a terrible friend. the thing that stood out most to me was how she left Dex out multiple times and keeps saying stuff like "please don't hate me." combined with other factors it just seems like she's pretty self-centered. not to mention the fact that she literally does not know how to follow orders and I'm not saying the black swan or the councillors come up with good plans I'm just saying the formula of the book is literally just "various plot points get introduced and a problem surfaces -> everyone tells Sophie to stay put -> Sophie disobeys them -> whatever chaos ensues after that." this just makes her unlikable as a character.

Fitz is just... that absolutely gorgeous guy who the main character has a crush on. he barely gets any character development (like most of the other characters.) and yes there was some form of development when Alden was crippled by guilt and fell unconscious but there was literally no development or elaboration on how he handles his guilt from that point on. like even in lodestar Sophie mentions multiple times that anger was Fitz's way of concealing or dealing with problems but that's it.

I do think that kotlc has an incredible and compelling plot, which is why I am so reluctant to give up this series. i used to devour these books in less than a week. and the first books were good. everything felt more authentic (I'm saying that as someone who read the first book when I was fifteen and am now sixteen, and yes, I am aware that this is a middle grade book, but the age difference when I read the books is so little I feel it's unlikely that my opinion of the writing has changed so much)

I'd like to emphasize that this is not a hate post. I still love the series very much, but I'm just questioning whether I should keep on reading. these are just my opinions on this book after reading five books of the series. you're welcome to give me your opinions, and many thanks to anyone who gives a reply!

#kotlc #kotlc fandom #questions #kotlc sophie #kotlc fitz #kotlc dex #fantasy #shannon messenger

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homestuckconfession · 29 days

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For the Dirkjake cannibalism thing I think it’s fine but I hate how new age Homestuck fans act like it’s Dirkjake stuff when it only gained true popularity in the last few months. Then people whine about how it left the “target audience”… if you weren’t advertising it as The Thing all Dirkjakers do maybe you wouldn’t have an issue. I know if I wanted the current Dirkjake tides to change I could step up and draw some tender-ass fanart but its still a lot to see everywhere, sometimes hella untagged, and I am a Hannibal fan.

*My* (emphasis on my) personal gripe with it though is that Homestuck feels majorly like a critique on senseless violence, especially that it is often seen as masculine. Reading Dave’s character arc, analyzing the troll society… etc. Dirk’s relationships basically live as the representation of, even if he doesn’t crave violence, he naturally falls into it to conceal his tender Heart (think novice mode on Brobot, that it was too tender for Jake). I understand how cannibalism could represent this violence that is used to hide things in their relationship but it goes painfully un-acknowledged where what it is trying to depict stems from. And don’t get me wrong I’ve read fics of them killing each other, beating each other senseless, and enjoyed the cannibalism stuff at its start, but violence is NOT the true core trait of any of our main cast in Homestuck. Dirkjake is part of Homestuck’s critique on toxic masculinity that is often associated with unwarranted violence as a replacement for processing one’s feelings. The individuals in Homestuck with excessive displays of dominance are basically the butt of the entire joke. The cannibalism is cool to draw and fun to write but it feels MISSING something in the way we discuss it, you know?

#homestuck #homestuck confession #dirkjake

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n3xii · 7 months

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30-day tarot spread challenge

today's spread is gonna be shadow work based since yesterday's reading suggested I needed to do more of this + dream work.

Day 2/30

Spread:

Reading:

card decks used: les vampires, tarot de la nuit

card one: anti hero | I chose my les vampires oracle deck to do this portion of the spread because I think decks like this are perfect for interpreting personas or archetypes. The card I got was anti-hero, ''maverick, risk taker, and rule breaker.'' I think this is accurate in some instances, to some people I think I do present myself as an antagonist in a comedic/unserious way. I present myself as someone who does not appreciate rules and institutions, and this had gotten me in arguments with family.

card two: ten of cups | ten of cups representing what I conceal or hide is very interesting because its true, i interpret the ten of cups as the family and the sentimental side of life. I've always been someone who doesnt like to be sentimental even in private at the risk of being seen as cheesy, I've always hated movies that are intentionally trying to make the audience cry, Ive always been hyper aware of how people try to invoke emotion, responding emotionally almost feels like im following a script. I cringe when certain people try to be vulnerable or sentimental especially with the intention of forcing a reaction from other people, rather than sharing something without any expectations afterwards. I've been this way since a kid, I do try to conceal being sentimental and emotional because I think I subconsciously want to avoid being someone who uses emotions to manipulate and get a reaction from others.

Card three, the hierophant | the card that represents my feminine self is the hierophant?? at first impressions, the hierophant is about societal norms, tradition, institutions, community, and essentially the archetype of a wise elder or professional. So with this in mind, I think this is possibly saying that the feminine aspect of me is traditional in a sense, shes a woman in the way society defines a woman. The card in the deck im using is depicted using a man, (like most decks) so I think this is saying that this feminine aspect of me is supplied by a male dominated society, shes defined by a very patriarchal view of what a woman should be. I do think this is true as I have written about trying to exile the male gaze from my own self-perception in my own journaling. going back to the first card where I portray myself as disobedient to norms and rules, I think it's important to point out how the actual feminine aspect of me is litterally the oppoiste of that. to some degree, the feminine traits in me are influence by societal norms and expectations, so although I'd like to think of myself as a rule breaker, i conform more than I'd like to admit.

card four: the three of pentacles | the three of pentacles representing the masculine in me makes me want to laugh for some reason. the three of pentacles on surface level is about teamwork, applying skills, planning, strategizing, inspiration, etc. So on first impressions, I wonder if my masculine traits present in a very practical way, perhaps when Im trying to help and work with other people or develop new skills? I think my masculine traits are positive but this makes me sad, because I wish my feminine traits also presented in a way that didn't contradict what I think I present to the world.

card five: death | death representing my whole self is kind of cunt. the culmination of all my traits and complexities is ultimately about transformation and rebirth. Death in this card deck is portrayed as a woman going to a festival to celebrate the dead, so alternately this represents celebration and gratitude, almost as if my whole self honors and celebrates the previous forms of me. my ''whole self'' is a graveyard of who I used to be, and a celebration of all the forms I've had to take to get here-, my whole self is ever evolving and honoring the past. I am a Scorpio rising and Venus so I think this accurately portrays my scorpion traits as well.

#tarot meanings #tarot readings #pac tarot #pick a card tarot #pac tarot reading #pac reading #pick a card #pick a card reading #astro notes #astro thoughts #tarot challenge #tarot cards #oracle cards #witch tips #witchcraft

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transboysokka · 2 months

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mako headcanons?

HELLO are you ready for me to just dump everything inside my brain at you?? I've made like his entire backstory at this point...

this one

gay. obvs. (and with wu. obvs)

trans!!!!

the gloves are very much a page from elsa's book. conceal don't feel. he kind of hates being a firebender because he can't separate his identity from like the evil that killed his parent etc etc

click here for angst

and here

he didn't learn how to read until super late but now he loves reading and is a little bookworm. i wonder if he has lil bookclubs with jinora. he's so booksmart now???

he has a triad tattoo somewhere under his shirt and like it was NOT his choice to get it so he sees it more as a brand anyway thats the REAL reason he doesn't take his shirt off to swim or go in the sauna not that it's period appropriate or whatever. also yeah he's wearing a binder always.

daddy issues w zolt

no concept of self care bc hes always given everything he's ever earned to bolin. yikes. big parentification stuff to deconstruct here

ok are you ready for MAXIMUM ANGST bc these ones are HOT off the presses aka my brain!!!!

mako will always have issues with eating because he went so long surviving on SO little. it's super hard for him to recognize when he's hungry because there was a point when he just stopped feeling it

mako would give his coat to bolin to wear in the winter. this is how he got real good at his bending real quick. if he didn't find a way to heat himself up he wasn't gonna make it out on the streets

one time when they were younger bolin found mako beat to shit in an alley. bolin freaked out and nursed mako back to health. mako didn't say anything at all to bolin for a long time and after he got better he became way more protective of bolin. this was the time mako tried to get out of the triad on his own. bolin never finds out.

one of the big reasons mako becomes a cop is because he's killed people under zolt and he can't get their faces out of his head. he needs to repent

when he started probending he was WAY to violent about it because that was all he knew how to be anymore. it took a long time for him to get used to NOT hurting people.....

he never feels Earth Kingdom enough because he looks so different from his relatives

so actually mako is REALLY bad at some things, like grocery shopping and finding good prices, budgeting, cooking actual meals that are also healthy, these kinds of things he never got the chance to do.......

ok so i have this half-formed idea that mako has seen and confronted his parents' killer before!!!! but bolin doesn't know!!!! and i can't decide why like did mako kill them or just freak out and not want to deal with it i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#quesTian #tlok #mako

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blissfullyapillow · 1 year

Text

Oh my, oh my God, 예상했어 나

I was really hoping that he will come through

Wanderer x female reader

wc: ~14,138

Notes: Another fic I wrote with my oc in mind but you can read it as an x reader as well <3, this was inspired by the song OMG by NewJeans but not heavily, tons of characters make an appearance (Diluc, Kaeya, Kaveh, Alhaitham, Pantalone, Capitano, Tighnari, Ayato, etc.) the notes will be too long if I list everyone, this is super long but I hope you enjoy lol ଘ(੭´꒳`)°* ੈ‧₊˚

Back to Masterlist A

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ♡　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

I stare at him across the comically large table (desk? Whatever, it doesn’t really matter) as Capitano updates us on his recent endeavors.

As the others jokingly sing his praises, I study the prickly man in front of me. Scara obviously feels my gaze, if his light foot taping is anything to go by, but he refuses to make eye contact with me as he studies the other harbingers with lifeless eyes.

Out of everyone here, I’m the most curious about him. Pantalone is gorgeous but he’s amiable with the doctor (whom I hate) and the females here scare me.

Seriously. They’re ruthless.

Childe is the only Harbinger I feel comfortable enough to talk to, although I hesitate to approach him at times because it almost always ends in a sparring match.

The outcome is always the same, but despite his many losses against me he continuously asks me to spar. Recently I get the feeling it’s his way of saying he wants to get to know me, so I don’t mind, but my muscles are sore and I need a moment of respite. I eye Capitano as I wonder what he looks like underneath the mask. What kind of man is Capitano truly? There must be more to him that lies beneath the surface.

I have a feeling his story is an interesting one. Even so, my eyes find their usual target ahead of me as I watch Scaramouche. He’s called upon by one of the other harbingers, and I dutifully listen to his report despite tuning Capitano’s out mere moments ago.

Once he’s done we have our usual wrap up before we disperse. I sigh, grateful I wasn’t needed this time around. As I get up to leave I curse under my breath when the Tsaritsa calls for me.

Spoke too soon.

I briskly walk over to her and respectfully heed her orders. My jaw ticks as I conceal my anger that seethes beneath the surface of my cheerful façade. How does she have the audacity to treat me like her daughter?

Deplorable.

“Y/n, it’s time for you to complete your first mission. The beggars we discussed this meeting still haven’t taken kindly to our …requests. We must show them what it means to take our warnings lightly. Since this is your first mission, you may take a harbinger with you.” I feel a cold sweat come over me.

Am I really going to have to kill these people? I shiver at the mere thought, but I have no other option but to oblige. I fear what the Tsaritsa will do to me if I don’t comply, and I rather not experience anymore of her “love.”

My decision is immediately made, but I attempt to make eye contact with him to see what his thoughts are on the situation. His hat was previously obscuring his face, but now an eye peaks out under it to glare at me with murderous intent.

Do not pick me, his expression screams.

I catch Tartaglia’s eye, but I ignore him as Scaramouche’s name leaves my lips.

“Great. Scaramouche, go on. I expect great things from you two.” With that I make my way towards the exit, and I hear Scaramouche’s low grumble behind me as he follows me.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

“Why did you pick me?” Hours into our trip he finally talks to me. Throughout the duration of our journey he rotated between making noises of disapproval, insulting me, or just silently glaring at me with the intent to kill.

“Honestly, I’m not so sure myself. Something about you just… draws me to you. I don’t know.” My response leaves him nonplussed as he opts to ignore me as we continue our journey.

We finally reach our destination, and I watch in horror as Scaramouche literally chokes the life out of the man before me. His eyes turn to one of the last people alive, but before he can move towards them I stomp my feet, creating an icy barrier between him and the other person.

“What do you think you’re doing?” His low voice irks me. “What is wrong with you!? This man clearly told you they were holding him hostage and-“ I move away as the man nearly misses cutting off my neck with his knife. Scaramouche is the one who pushes me out of the way.

“You dimwit! He was clearly lying.” He shouts above me. One of his arms cracks as the man pierces it, but it isn’t long before he joins the rest of the corpses that litter the red stained snow.

Scaramouche says nothing as he gets off of me. “Let’s return.” Is all he says. I follow him, hoping he won’t turn his anger onto me.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

“How did you know he was lying?” I ask as we near our destination. “His eyes. They gave him away. Filthy scum.” I recall the man's face, and his eyes pop in my mind. I remember the way they kept darting down as he kept looking behind him.

“Huh. I guess my shock clouded my judgment-“ “No shit it did.” It’s my turn to glare at the puppet beside me as he scoffs. “That’s a good look on you. Next time, make sure you’re useful without dragging me down. I know the Tsaritsa wouldn’t take kindly to me injuring her precious child, so you’re in luck.” He laughs at my annoyed expression.

I don’t know how, but he knows. He knows I hate this and the Tsaritsa for what she’s done. Even so, he pokes fun at me some more before we finally return and he goes back to glaring at me in silence.

The Tsaritsa is pleased with us, and we are dismissed. “Next time, don’t pick me.” Are his final words before he walks away with the doctor.

Jerk.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

“Scaramouche.” I pick him again, and again he glares at me. The Tsaritsa is easing me into the whole Harbinger ordeal, and I know it’s only because she favors me for some twisted reason.

“Let’s go.” He says gruffly. This time he roughly grabs my hand as he drags me outside. “What did I tell you last time?” He states more than asks.

“Do not pick you. Too bad I don’t follow your orders, nor do I have to.” I relish the annoyed tick that shows on his face. I roughly remove my hand from his as I keep walking beside him.

“Well, at least this time we don’t have to kill.” I cheer. “Tch. You’re more naïve than I thought.” When I curiously question his words, he replies, “You may think the Tsaritsa is being kind, and in a way she is, but these missions are more than just rookie missions. They’re meant to harden you. Those last people we fought? They originally were ordinary civilians turned criminals due to hardships that had fallen upon them. Hmmm, I wonder who backed them into that corner?” Scaramouche wonders aloud.

I stop walking dead in my tracks. “W-Wait, so what she said was-“ “A lie? Yeah. Get used to that. Keep walking.” He says. I do, but I feel sick to my stomach as I pray the tears on my lashes don’t fall.

Now that I think about it, there was a familiar food cart not too far from them. The food cart is well known in Snezhnaya, but it was torn to shreds and ripped apart.

I assumed it had nothing to do with our mission and it belong to someone else, but ….

My thoughts are voiced by none other than Scaramouche as he laughs before saying, “The Tsaritsa’s love truly is cruel.”

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

I continue to pick Scaramouche as my companion for my missions, and he begrudgingly complies. It’s to the point the other harbingers tease us about it.

“Ah, talking to the puppet again?” The knave snickers as I walk past her with said puppet by my side. “His name’s Scaramouche, and he’s more than just a puppet.” I say. She chuckled before ruffling my hair. “Yeah, whatever kid.” She’s off soon after, leaving Scaramouche to gawk at me.

“Why lie to her? What do you gain out of that?” He grunts. I notice the way his frown doesn’t fully reach his eyes, and his arms are crossed in front of him. As if to protect his heart.

It only takes a moment before I say, “I only told her the truth. Let’s hurry today so we can make it back in time for dinner.” As I swiftly walk past Scaramouche, I take notice of the way he tugs his hat down to hide his expression.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

“You’re insufferable. Haven’t you had enough yet, or do you get off on this? …stupid bug.” I try to hold in my laughter at his lame insult but I fail miserably when his serious eyes latch onto mine.

“If you really want me to, I’ll pick someone else. I am interested in getting to know some of the others.” I tell him. His eyes widen a bit but nonetheless he walks off and dismisses me. “Do what you want.”

I knew that would be his response, as he doesn’t truly care about anyone, but I still can’t help but feel a twinge of hurt.

That day, I choose Pantalone.

All heads swivel to face Pantalone, and even he has a rare expression of surprise. “Ah, what a pleasant surprise.” I ignore Scara as we pass him, and the harbingers jabs and jokes fade away as I leave with Pantalone.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

My mission with Pantalone went smoothly. He’s…. interesting. He pry's too much though. We constantly tried to outsmart each other in an attempt to get the other to reveal more information about themselves.

It was tiring, albeit exhilarating.

My next choice is Arlecchino, and I chuckle at Scaramouche’s annoyed expression.

If I’m not careful, I would fall for the Knave’s charm. I’m a little weary of her since I know of her dark nature, but nonetheless she doesn’t seem to dislike me and that’s more than enough for me.

Next I choose Tartaglia, and we have a fun time together. We end up racing on the way back, and we both try not to laugh as the Tsaritsa sternly scolds us for our childish and improper behavior as her representatives.

At this point, I am more than capable of completing missions on my own. Despite this, the Tsaritsa still allows me to pick a companion if I so wish. So, I choose the next person of interest.

Capitano stiffens in his seat, but he gets up to accompany nonetheless. Surprisingly, someone speaks up.

“Take me instead.” I hear Colombia snicker beside me as Scaramouche stands where he is. I eye him suspiciously since he was so adamant on me picking others.

When I see something swirl within his usually lifeless eyes, I pick him instead of Capitano.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

“I thought you wanted me to pick others?” I ask him. He hums in contemplation, but he doesn’t answer me.

I end up completing the mission on my own as he watches on, and I thank him when he covers me from behind at an unexpected ambush.

“You’ve grown stronger.” He breaks the comfortable silence. I mull over his question as flurries begin falling from the sky.

“Yup. I learned a lot from the others, unlike you.” I giggle at his angry expression. “But… I don’t enjoy myself with them as much as I do with you. Well, maybe Tartaglia. Although I know how you feel about him.” My teasing response results in an eye-roll. “He’s a fool.” “And so are you.” My quick response catches him by surprise, but he’s quick to mask it.

“What do you mean?” He tentatively asks. He sounds so stiff, and I can’t help but chuckle at how unintentionally cute he’s being. “You allow the doctor to use you for his experiments. It honestly infuriates me. No one else sees you as more than a puppet. I would’ve thought the same if I wasn’t so “soft-hearted” as you like to say. I’m actually trying to get to know you, and well…. I’ve drawn my own conclusions about you. I believe my conclusions are in your favor. Oh, we’re here.” I say. I turn to him and he clearly wants me to continue, but I opt for opening the door for him.

“You may enter, your highness.” I gracefully hold the door open for him as I bow. “You’re intolerable. Moron.” He huffs. As he walks in, I stare at his back. His shoulders slightly rise, and a small smile takes over my features.

I’ve never seen him laugh without malice before.

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱••••✩••••̩̩͙⊰•*⭑

I do what I must to survive, and before I know it I’m a full fledged unofficial member of the harbingers. The Tsaritsa prefers to keep my presence a secret since I may be recognized by those who previously knew my mom.

I can’t help but bitterly laugh at the irony of my situation. Thankfully, I’ve finally devised a way to escape the shackles of the Tsaritsa’s “benevolence.”

There is an approaching snowstorm. The Tsaritsa has an essential task she needs completed before the snowstorm covers the land of Snezhnaya with heavy snowfall. I unfortunately had to beg a little for her to allow me to go, she thankfully relented. I’m much stronger than I was years prior, and anyone here can acknowledge that. I’m allowed to undergo the mission alone on the premise I return before the snow begins to fall in heavy flurries.

The mission is easy. A group of bandits using the fatui’s name to do as they please. I handle them with ease well before the snow begins to fall.

Perfect. I begin making my way towards my destination in haste. The snow shall be my curtain as I make my way towards the one ship leaving Snezhnaya tonight. This is my one and only chance to believably escape the Tsaritsa. Me falling in combat isn’t believable, but getting lost in the snowstorm is much more likely, albeit only a little.

The snowstorms in Snezhnaya are intense and harsh. If you’re unlucky enough to get caught in the storm, you’re as good as dead. Just leaving your home without multiple layers of clothing, on a normal day, is asking for an illness to befall you.

I shiver as I trudge through the cold winter of Snezhnaya. The snow is beginning to fall in earnest now, and it’s getting hard to see my feet in front of me. It doesn’t matter, I need to make it to the ship before it’s too late.

It takes me a while but I make it just in time to board the ship unannounced. Just as I’m about to board, a voice calls for me in the distance.

I freeze.

No, she wouldn’t have.

But she did, and Scaramouche’s short figure is outlined by the thick snow falling from the sky. “The Tsaritsa wanted me to ensure you made it back safely. Honestly, this is a real hassle you know.” He scoffs as he makes his way over to me. My feet are rooted to the spot. Scaramouche isn’t someone easily fooled, but I must leave. My getaway blows its horn once in preparation to depart.

“Well, let’s go. I can’t feel the cold but I’m sure you must be freezing, mortal. You…” his voice trails off once he stops directly in front of me, and his eyes bore into mine. “What are you planning?” He asks himself more than me. He peers into the blanket of white, and he obviously makes out the ship behind me because he starts laughing.

“You seriously think you can escape the Tsaritsa? You’re her favorite you know. She’ll search for you even if I gave her an accurate fake body. You’re not safe in this world as long as she’s around.” He chuckles, but I see a glint of something in his eyes. “Scaramouche, please. Let me go.” I know asking him is pointless. He doesn’t feel emotions like I do, at least in his perspective, and he couldn’t care less about me or my wellbeing.

I look down as tears threaten to fall and my heart lurches in my throat. So close yet so far.

I can’t let it end here.

“Scara-“ “Let’s make a deal. We got separated by the thick snow after we encountered one of Snezhnaya’s infamous avalanches. We pass by a mountain on our way here, so it’s believable. I search for you for hours but I’m unable to find you. I return demanding a search party. When she can’t find you she’ll initially be grief stricken, but I’m sure she’ll only become more determined to find you. I do this on the condition you heed my beck and call in the future, when I put that plan into action.” I gasp at his words, equally grateful and confused.

I purposefully overheard a conversation between the doctor and Scaramouche about their plans for him to become a “false god.” I escaped the doctor’s watchful eyes somehow, and even though I bumped into one of his clones they were too occupied to put two and two together.

I wasn’t so lucky with Scaramouche, but he ultimately didn’t care that I knew so long as I kept that information to myself.

I sigh and pull Scaramouche in for a hug. He groans and complains as I hug him tight. “Thank you thank you thank you!” I breathlessly thank him for his uncharacteristic display of kindness. “Whatever. Now go before I change my mind. You’ll no longer be a thorn in my side, so this is a beneficial situation for both you and I…. and…“ His breath hitches towards the end of his sentence, like he wants to say more but he chooses not to.

I know. I understand the unspoken words and feelings he has yet to realize he has. Hopefully that’ll change with time. Time thatI yearn to spend with him, but under more desirable circumstances. Nonetheless, I squeeze his arm as I pull away. “We’ll meet again. You can’t get rid of me that easily. Take care of yourself in the meantime, okay? I lo- I’ll miss you.” I quickly correct myself.

The balladeer stands before me with the most expressive facial expression I’ve ever seen on him before.

“… I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you. So stay alive so we can meet again. Farewell, y/n.” With that he turns on his heel, unmoving.

I let out raucous laughter before I race towards the now departing ship. I make it just in time to board by making ict pedestals against the side of the ship. As the ship departs the obscure dock, I watch the short figure in the distance. He still doesn’t move even when he’s a mere speck in the distance.

I can’t help but clutch the glowing masterless vision against my chest. My mother’s.

I refuse to weep, but a stubborn tear slips past. If he truly doesn’t have a heart, why did he look after me in his own way? Why did he let me go?

I can only sigh.

Along with the sorrow of leaving Scaramouche behind, I feel a newfound sense of excitement and.. freedom.

Even though I’ll have to live my life in fear of the Tsaritsa finding me again, I’m finally free.

Free from Snezhnaya. Free from the Tsaritsa.

Free from my mother’s lingering regret that she couldn’t escape the Tsaritsa’s watchful eye, which ultimately led to her demise.

As the motherland fades in the distance and I sneeze from the low temperature, a glowing light shines against the darkness of the surrounding sea.

I gingerly hold the Anemo vision in my hands, and I finally allow myself to smile.

I’m finally free, yet there’s a sharp pain in my chest. It doesn’t stem from a physical cause, but from a psychological one.

This feeling…

This must be what it means to have an aching, broken heart.

⁎⁺˳ ✧༚ ˎˊ˗ ♡ ˗ˏˋയ ✩

“Is that the honorary knight?” I think out loud as I peek my head out from behind a building. I swiftly resume my previous hiding place when they glance in my direction moments later.

I breathe a sigh of relief when no one comes to investigate. I continue walking to my destination, and I close my eyes in bliss as the wind carries away all of my worries.

I’m curious about this traveler. Maybe I’ll follow them for a bit and see what they’re up to. Knowing the truth of this world, an outsider is certain to shake things up. And the Tsaritsa…

I scold myself for thinking about her after I’ve already left Snezhnaya. What she did to mom-

A flurry of images of my mom before her death rush back to me, and the Tsaritsa’s face accompanies the painful memories. I clutch the hem of my clothing and take a few, slow deep breaths. My skin feels clammy and I’m suddenly feeling lightheaded.

“Oh? What’s a pretty lady like you doing leaning against the wall like that? We haven’t even been properly introduced yet, but here you are falling for me already.” I ignore the teasing cavalry captain, who was previously talking to the traveler, as I focus on calming my panicked mind.

It takes me a few moments, but I eventually manage to calm myself down. Once my mind is clear I finally feel the soothing hand from the cavalry captain rubbing up and down my back.

Oh, maybe I didn’t do it completely on my own.

“.. Thanks.” I shyly thank him, and when I look up to see his face I’m greeted with his handsome smile. “No problem. How about we sit down and chat, hm? I noticed you staring at the traveler and I earlier, and I’m curious as to what your reasons are.” The man hums and before I know it he’s leading me to sit at one of the table’s outside of Angel’s Share.

Ah, this man is clever. I have to be careful not to slip up in front of him, but I’ve never struggled before.

“So, where are you from? I’ve never seen you in Mondstadt before.” He curiously asks me. His eyes languidly drift over my features before they peer into my eyes. He’s openly reading me, so I take the opportunity to do the same. I sense a familiar pain hidden in his uncovered eye. Before I can search any deeper he closes his eye to smile before leaning back.

“Oh, you’re going to be a lot of fun to have around. I can feel it.”

⁎⁺˳ ✧༚ ˎˊ˗ ♡ ˗ˏˋയ ✩

“I’ll always return to Mondstadt. It’s another home for me now. I’ll see you when I return, okay?” I bid a semi-tearful farewell to the man before me, and he embraced me with concealed enthusiasm.

“Ah, my dear Y/n. Who will scold me now when I’m supposedly ‘slacking off?’” Kaeya pretends to sob as he runs a hand along my back, just like he did when we first met.

“Your brother will, for sure. ‘Oh, the Knights of Favonius, always so inefficient.” I mimic Diluc’s voice. Kaeya bursts into heartfelt laughter as he releases me. I giggle along with him and turn around, only to face the red head we were just talking about.

I feel my cheeks warm as Diluc sports an unamused look. “You too, Y/n?” He huffs. I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out. I stare into his eyes for a moment before I avert mine in embarrassment. He’s so handsome, he makes me feel so nervous around him!

“Uh- It’s just jokes Diluc.” I nervously chuckle. Diluc’s lips quirk into a smirk before he ruffles my hair. As I complain and fix my hair he says “I know. Have a safe trip. Visit the Angel’s Share again if you need anything. I’m sure I’ll be of more use than the ‘inefficient Knight of Favonious.’” This time it’s Diluc’s turn to mimic me, and Kaeya’s non stop laughter only cranks up in Volume.

Kaeya helped me settle into Mondstadt and assisted me in finding my own place to stay. I managed to avoid revealing anything too specific about my situation. Due to something unspoken between the two of us that Kaeya & I mentally acknowledged about the other, he helped me fit right in to Mondstadt. Since we were outside of Angel’s Share Diluc happened to see us during our first conversation, and that’s how I got to know the infamous Diluc Ragnvindr.

I remember the story the other Harbingers told me about the red haired man who decimated many Fatui camps, all on his own and without a vision. They relayed their distaste that he managed to escape, but personally meeting Diluc made me glad they failed to finish him off. He’s awfully cute and sweet in his own way. I recall the nights he let me stay with him at the Dawn Winery when Kaeya was still helping me find a home, and I’m forever grateful to the both of them.

“Well, I’ll be seeing you. Bring back something from your travels, okay?” With that Diluc is ready to see me off, a solemn smile on his face. “Of course! Anything for you Diluc.” My overeager response surprises both of us as I blush in embarrassment. Diluc looks taken aback as he awkwardly coughs into his sleeve. A blush lights up his face like a beacon; I can’t help but giggle at the sight of his flustered expression.

“Alright, alright. Off you go!” Kaeya ushers me forward and I make my way to my next destination: Liyue.

I begin my journey with a running start. I make a brief stop at the big tree at Windrise. I close my eyes and allow myself a moment to be vulnerable as I pray for my mother. “Anemo archon Barbatos, please watch over my journey as I explore the depths and secrets of this world.” I stand, and my prayers are immediately answered.

I swivel around at the sound of a joyful voice. Ah, Venti. The Archon himself stands before me with a goofy smile on his face. “Well hello there! What brings you here? I happened to be passing by and…” he trails off. I’m sure my expression is one of shock, but also glee. I’ve always liked the Anemo Archon most from the stories the Tsaritsa would tell me. “Bar- Ahem. Venti, I’m honored to be able to meet you!” I try to contain my childlike glee at meeting the Anemo Archon.

Venti’s expression is one of surprise and curiosity. “Well well, it looks like the most curious individual has arrived here in Mondstadt. Say, why don’t you tell me your tale? I have a feeling it’s grand, and a story the world shall refuse to find bland.” I can’t help the smile that reaches my ears as the bard before me poetically asks for my story.

“Hm. I’ll save it for another day. I bet it’s not as amazing as yours, little wind spirit.” Venti’s mouth falls agape, and before he can say another word I’m gone from his line of sight in a flurry of snowflakes and a strong gust of wind.

⁎⁺˳ ✧༚ ˎˊ˗ ♡ ˗ˏˋയ ✩

“So, who is he?” The Geo Archon prompts. “Hmm?” I inquire. I watch as Zhongli blows his cup of tea before taking a sip. I follow his lead, and I swoon at the exquisite taste of tea and fine delicacies he’s prepared for our meal.

I got the Geo Archon to sit down with me after confiding in him. I may or may not have been sorrowfully staring at the dark Liyue clouds above as the rain masked my tears.

Zhongli happened to pass by, and despite my insistence that I was fine he ushered me inside and offered to lend me an ear.

Instead of talking about the thoughts that were actually plaguing my thoughts, I end up becoming side tracked as I gush to Zhongli about Scaramouche.

Of course he doesn’t know who it is I’m talking about, but that doesn’t stop me from spilling my heartfelt feelings to him. “Hmm… honestly, I’m not sure. What if I’m the only one who feels this way? It’s likely. You know how he is.” Zhongli nods thoughtfully at my words. “Even so, it’d be hard for him to not feel gratitude, at the very least. If he really is as bloodthirsty and cruel as you say he is, then he wouldn’t have saved you. Although I don’t have all the details, I’m sure this man harbors feelings that you may be unaware of. Whether these are the feelings you hope they are is another issue entirely, but something tells me you aren’t the only one who is harboring feelings for the other.” Zhongli’s words cause the unmistakable feeling of hope to swell up inside of me.

I hate the way I blush and avert my eyes. I start smiling like a lovestruck fool, so I attempt to hide my smile behind my tea cup after taking another sip.

“Ah, there it is. I see the love you have for this man in your eyes.” My mouth falls open as words fail me, and Zhongli lets out a hearty chuckle. “To be young and in love… What a beautiful thing.” I remain silent as I finish the tea, and as the rain pelts a euphonious sound outside I relish in the calm atmosphere that surrounds the Geo Archon and I.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

“What should I do?” I whine to Xingqiu. He hums as he contemplates his response whereas Chongyun responds almost immediately.

“Why don’t you continue exploring? This world is vast, but I’m sure you’ll run into him again at some point.” Chongyun bites into his Popsicle, and I eat the one I begged him to give me.

It’s comforting eating something with no taste. I see why this calms Chongyun down.

Xingqiu bites into his own Popsicle (we may or may not have teased Chongyun to the point he caved and gave us both a Popsicle) as his eyes light up. It seems he’s found his answer.

“I agree. If it’s meant to be, you will see each other again. Don’t hold yourself back, and pursue what it is that you truly want.” I ponder Xingqiu’s words as Chongyun asks him where he learned to tell such great advice.

What is it that I want though?

I feel their eyes on me but I hang my head so my hair will obscure my eyes.

“If you do not know what it is that you want, I hope you’ll be able to find it during your travels.” Xingqiu reads my mind, and his comforting hand running along my back gives me a sense of comfort.

Chongyun joins in on the back rubbing, and I laugh at their complaints towards each other when their hands keep bumping into each other.

I have an idea of where my path lies, and it all starts with the father I have not had the opportunity to know.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

The scenery is beautiful…

I gasp in awe when the sakura petals fall from the beautiful trees surrounding the city. I need to stay on task, but the beautiful sites are distracting.

It took a lot of time and effort to make it to Inazuma while the decree is going on. I also made sure to hide my visions on my person. I can fend off anyone who tries to take my visions from me, but it’s honestly too much hassle. I’d rather just hide them for the time being.

“Now, I have almost nothing to go off of and a father to find. Hooray!” I falsely cheer under my breath. I continue to navigate the somewhat lively streets of Inazuma. I’m sure things will perk up once this stupid decree is over.

I convinced Captain Beidou to take me to Inazuma, with the help of my lovely friends from Liyue, and I had the pleasure of meeting a wandering samurai.

Once Beidou docked at Inazuma I immediately scurried off with a brief farewell to her and the samurai, whose name is apparently Kazuha.

I wind up aimlessly walking around Inazuma for hours before I eventually wander out of the city. I end up in front of a fancy looking building as I walk through the gate. “Oh! Who are you? Are you lost?” A cheerful voice pipes up from beside me.

I jump and place a frightened hand on my chest as I swivel around to face the voice.

Green eyes widen in surprise. “Woah, slow down! I didn’t mean to scare you. …Is everything okay?” I don’t answer as I frantically survey my surroundings. Did I walk into enemy territory?? Will this person try to take my visions? What if-

Oh, wait. My visions are hidden.

I sigh in relief once I remember I hid my visions.

I look down and see a gleaming pyro vision, and the person awkwardly coughs as they maneuver themselves so that it’s out of my line of sight.

“Um… sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you or whoever lives here. I’m just wandering around and looking for my father..” “Oh, no worries at all! Do you have any information about your father? Maybe I can help!” I finally look at the person’s face. He fixes me with a smile, and his friendly demeanor is so warm and comforting I allow myself to relax a bit around him.

“Oh, well-“ “Thoma, would you mind… oh, who’s this?” An audible gasp slips out of me as the most pretty man I’ve ever laid eyes on walks over to Thoma and I. “Oh, Lord Ayato! I was just trying to help this young lady. She seems lost and-“ “Young lady? While I appreciate the compliment, I am of age you know.” I huff. Thoma awkwardly chuckles at that.

“I see. Well, nice to meet you…” Ayato trails off. “Yume.” I supply my name. Ayato’s eyes sharpen slightly in interest, but the coy man before me is quick to mask his expression and continue the conversation. “Ah, an Inazuman name. If your name’s origins lie here, why are you lost? Is it really true you’ve never been here before?” Ayato carefully judges my expression, watching me for any abnormal movements.

Oh?! This man thinks I’m lying!?

I feel my face flush with contained rage as I resist the urge to stomp my foot like a petulant child. “Excuse me, Lord Ayato, I have no reason to insinuate something that isn’t true. I have nothing to gain out of that. I’m simply looking for my father and I was hoping to find any information I could about him. I don’t know him per se because of my.. situation, but I’d love to meet him again. I met him a few times as a child so I remember what he looks like but that is all.” With a huff I finish my tense monologue. Thoma looks on with wide eyes as Ayato chuckles to himself.

“Ah, I see. You really are the little firecracker you’ve been told to be.” Ayato’s words cause me to falter, and I’m quick to eagerly look into his eyes. “You know something about me!? Do you potentially… know my father? His surname is-“ “Haruka. Yes, I know. Say, join me for tea later. I unfortunately have urgent business to tend to at the moment. Another meeting…” Ayato says that last part under his breath more to himself than the rest of us.

Thoma attempts to comfort the pretty lord, and I smile as I witness their cute dynamic. “Alright, I’ll see you later Y/n.” With a swift kiss against my hand Ayato is gone.

I giggle like a silly schoolgirl and swoon. Thoma sighs. “That’s the Yashiro Commissioner for you…” Thoma mumbles. “Alright Y/n, let me show you around the estate until my lord returns. This is also a good chance for me to get to know you better.” I agree, and I follow Thoma around what is apparently known as the Kamisato Estate.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Ayaka and I laugh at Thoma’s flustered expression.“You guys are being unfair y’know…” Thoma groans. “Oh? But surely our assumptions had some truth to it. You haven’t denied our claims.” Ayaka hums. Thoma remains silent which causes me to burst into another fit of giggles. “Ah, whatever. Hopefully lord Ayato will return soon so I can- hey, look who just walked in!” Thoma comically shoots up from his seat to greet an amused Ayato.

Aw man, no more teasing Thoma.

“I have returned. Ah, Ayaka. How was your day?” Ayato takes time to address Ayaka and ask her about her day and what she’s been up to, and by the gleam in her eyes I can tell she appreciates it. I smile fondly as I watch the three of them converse. It must feel to be surrounded by the ones you love.

Ayato catches my eye, and I quickly lower my gaze to the ground and fiddle with the hem of my clothes. Ayato finishes his conversation with Thoma and Ayaka, and I bid them farewell as they leave. Ayato takes a moment to watch them go before he turns around. His eyes are curious, and I hold his gaze for a moment.

He chuckles to himself before he makes his way over to me and sits across from me. He asks me how I feel about the Kamisato Estate, and he leans his head against his propped hand as his eyes bore into mine.

“You’re- I mean!- It’s beautiful, and It’s filled with equally beautiful souls.” I mentally pat myself on the back for my somewhat smooth save, and he looks a bit taken aback.

“Oh? I wouldn’t have taken you for a smooth talker.” Ayato chuckles.

I bashfully laugh off his remark before the room returns to silence.

Come on Y/n, stop being so awkward!

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. Okay, now my head is in the game.

"So, what do you know about my father? Is he the one you heard that little tidbit about me from?" I ask with an audible quiver in my voice.

Great.

Well at least I got the question out. I squirm and hope he doesn't mention my obvious nerves. “Well, your father... I've met your father a total of three times, and each time is an experience I will never forget. Your father is an interesting man, and I happened upon him numerous times while out on … business endeavors. Thanks to your fathers' actions the most elusive individuals that have avoided the law for years have been caught." I take a moment to absorb Ayato's words. "So... My dad's like Shikanoin Heizou?" My question catches him by surprise, before he laughs with evident mirth. "How do you know about detective Shikanoin Heizou?"

I blush as I recount the sight of Heizou walking around the streets of Inazuma. I have yet to personally meet him, but I got a good vibe from him when I observed him from afar. The only reason I even learned of his name is because citizens nearby started gossiping about him, and I asked them to clue me in.

“People told me that Shikanoin Heizou is the man to ask if I'm searching for someone. Apparently, he's the best of the best." Ayato sips his boba as he listens to me, and I do my best to keep my face neutral when he keeps sipping even though the cup is clearly empty.

I can relate. I do the same thing whenever I'm drinking my favorite beverage.

Ayato hums before he abruptly sits up. I follow his lead, albeit a bit confused, and he leads me out of the Kamisato Estate. As we continue walking, he finally speaks up. "You're one step ahead of me. ..How unusual. I was going to suggest you seek out Shikanoin Heizou since I have no information on the whereabouts of your father. To answer your earlier inquiry, yes. In a way, your father is like Shikanoin Heizou except… the means he uses to seek and destroy his enemies is... well... not entirely legal. Still, in my eyes he's a good man. He mentioned his daughter in a distant land the last time I happened across him. I believe it was a slip of the tongue said in a moment of vulnerability. Nonetheless, I shall introduce you to the Tenryou Commission's best detective. He can guide you in the right direction, better than I ever could." With that, I remain silent as Ayato leads me to my destination.

I can’t help but wonder what you’ve been up to all these years, father. Actually, I guess the real question is…

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“How have you been?” I nervously ask Heizou in an attempt to break the ice.

“Better now that I’ve finally secured the final piece to this unsolved mystery. Archons! I’ve been so close to catching this man yet so far since I was missing this vital piece of information for months. This is unusual for me, you know. I usually catch my culprits quickly. Hey, how about I treat you to something after this? Only if you’re up to it of course. A pretty lady like yourself deserves such a reward.” I swear all these handsome, beautiful, and downright gorgeous men are going to be the death of me!

Why is Inazuma filled with pretty men??

“I- um, yes! I’ll take you up on that offer. Thank you very much.” I furiously blush when Heizou turns around to send a wink in my direction as we continue our quick pace towards our destination. “If I’m correct, he should be just about ready to leave based on his usual pattern. So right here would be-“ Heizou is surprisingly swift and agile, so he’s a bit ahead of me. He’s even further ahead now, so I quicken my steps and attempt to catch up. I stop when I accidentally bump into a large figure.

“Oh my gosh I’m sorry! I apologize but I can’t stop, I’m in a..” I would’ve kept going if I didn’t catch a glimpse of their eyes under their hood.

Eyes that resemble mine.

We both freeze for a moment.

“Um.. I may be mistaken, and I am I apologize, but could you happen to be-“

I don’t even get a chance to finish my sentence. He’s quick to maneuver himself out of my way and run off.

Oh no he doesn’t.

I give chase, leaving Shikanoin behind.

..well, ahead. I guess.

Only behind for a few moments though, since I see him giving chase when I glance behind me.

“Father, wait!” I grunt as I follow my father’s annoying escape route. Over buildings, over pesky fences, through narrow spaces, he goes above and beyond to shake me off his trail.

He’ll have to try harder than this, but if I don’t do something soon he’ll definitely slip through my fingers.

I pray Heizou is close enough, and I use an object I spot nearby and drop it to the ground, blocking Heizou’s path. I have faith he’ll take the hint, as it’s very obvious, and I continue chasing the person I’m convinced is my father.

It isn’t long before we circle around the small space we’re in, since we’re in a busier area now and it’s hard for them to move around all the architecture while simultaneously avoiding me.

I glance in the direction I hope Heizou is in, and I use my Cryo vision yet again to encapsulate us and anyone in the vicinity in an icy cage.

The person stops and begins to scale the ice.

Why am I not surprised?

I worry that Heizou really wasn’t behind me when the person is at the top of the ice cage. I watch in despair as they carefully avoid the sharp outer edges of my temporary prison.

Before they are able to finish scaling the ice, I hear a familiar voice.

“Can’t fool me!” A whirlwind knocks the person midair.

Game over!

With the wind as my wings I soar into the sky and tightly grasp the person in my arms. They struggle, and because of their build it’ll only be a moment before they’re released from my strong grip.

A moment was all I needed.

I hate to do this, but I use this moment to freeze the individual with my vision.

They cry out for a moment, for me to stop, but it’s only a matter of seconds before they’re a frozen statue in my arms.

I feel myself fall back to the hard ground below as they now weigh way more than they did before. In a panic I create a slide of sorts to bring us back down and away from the gathered crowd of spectators.

I’ll have to thank Heizou later, but for now I have a few words I wish to exchange with my father in private.

…This’ll be really embarrassing if this isn’t my father.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“What do you want, kid? I swear you got your stubbornness from your mom.” My dad sighs from across the fire I built for him to cool off.

Pun intended.

He was not pleased as the ice around him slowly melted, but I’m more than grateful that he didn’t attempt to run again and agreed to talk with me over the fire and some delicious food.

He eats the food I made while keeping steady eye contact with me. I can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic, even though I have no recollection of doing things like this with him before.

“Hey, father? Why… why didn’t you come with mom to Snezhnaya?” My question catches him off guard. He’s silent only for a moment before he groans as he takes another bite of the food we prepared.

“Listen-“ The look I give him causes him to close his mouth for a moment before he opens it again to properly explain himself.

“Your mother.. I didn’t follow her to Snezhnaya because she planned to move back here with you when you grew a bit older. She lived with you in Snezhnaya for reasons I will not delve into, but I.. I loved your mother. After I found out what happened to her..” He sighs, and that sigh alone holds a lot of weight. I can see the heartache in his eyes as he downs some water. “Let’s just say I took matters into my own hands, and it evolved from there. Unfortunately, I can’t do my work in Snezhnaya since your mother has passed and I’d probably be hunted and killed by Fatui so… I do it here. The place your mother wanted to live and grow old with a family.” My breath hitches, and I wince when he mentions the Fatui.

Does he know what happened to me? I glance at his face, and it’s back to being as impassive as ever. My eyes catch sight of his hands as he drinks more water, and the ring on his finger shines due to the light of the fire.

That ring.. wait, my mother also wore a ring on her finger…

I study the ring on his finger, and suddenly memorizes that I’ve buried from years ago.

No wonder this fire feels nostalgic. Mom brought me to visit Inazuma a few times, and the times I did visit she always had rendezvous with dad. One of the times we had a temporary reunion, we sat by a fire together like this. The circumstances were different and the atmosphere was filled with laughter and cheer, it wasn’t so… solemn.

If only things didn’t turn out the way they did, then…

Mom would still be here, and I’d never have had to commit such atrocities under the Tsaritsa’s gaze.

I don’t notice I’m crying until my father huffs and reaches over to wipe my tears. “Kid, I won’t ask for forgiveness or stop doing things the way I’ve been doing them for years. All I ask is that if you’re ever in trouble, come to me. I will not let what happened to your mother happen to you. I will gladly die if it means protecting you, alright? Now finish eating. It’s getting late and I’m sure that short kid is worried about you.” I sniffle at my dad’s harsh yet kind words, and I do as instructed.

Although the atmosphere is solemn, we reminisce about mom and I tell him about the things she did and the people she helped before she died. We laugh together and bond over memories of mom. We begin to forge a bond that never had the opportunity to develop to its full potential.

Before we part ways, my dad gives me one last piece of advice as I give him a tearful hug. “I know it may be hard, but think about the person you want to become. Do what your heart tells you, but don’t ignore your head either. Although.. maybe it’ll be a good thing if you do, knowing how hot headed you can be.” I smack my dad’s back in a show of exasperation, and he laughs.

He releases me from our hug, ruffles my hair, and is out of sight before I can finish lifting my arm to wave farewell.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Heizou is visibly upset I let my dad escape, since his actions aren’t… entirely legal, but he lets it slide for my sake.

Although now I have to help him solve another case sometime in the future.

I agree to his terms, and it isn’t long before I’m moving on to the next nation with a bit more guidance and feelings of turmoil in my heart.

That is, until I see him.

A glimpse. The soft jingles as his hat sways with the breeze.

He’s going into a.. factory? My throat constricts and my heart pounds loudly in my ears, yet a broad smile makes its way on to my lips.

It’s him! Scaramouche!! In Inazuma!

I’m determined to call out to him, but I stop myself when I see Signora following him close behind.

My cheeks burn and I immediately close my mouth. Damn, I’d sneak around, but that isn’t in my best interest.

So, with a sorrowful sigh, I leave my heart behind and follow my head to my next destination.

…

Which is where my heart is, and my heart is currently in an abandoned factory in Inazuma.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Stealth isn’t my virtue, but I can make it work when the situation is truly dire.

I sneak into the factory and overhear an interesting conversation between Scaramouche and Signora.

As he talks to her, dismissive as usual, I study his body language and facial expressions. Huh, he’s the same old Scaramouche.

Except he seems a bit more…

I pout as I watch from afar. Signora finally leaves, and my heart aches for the person standing alone in an abandoned building.

I restrain myself from revealing myself to greet him since I can’t take the risk of another Fatui member spotting us. I sneak back out of the facility.

Lost in thought, I’m not paying enough attention and I accidentally hit my foot against something. Not only does it create a sound that reverberates throughout the factory, but oh my archons it hurts my foot!

“Who’s there?” Scaramouche is quick to change his stance as he readies for a potential fight against an intruder.

Quick, Run!

I’m out of the factory like lightning and manage to hide outside the factory before he can spot me. He looks annoyed from afar as a lower ranked Fatui member approaches him and asks for something. I hope he thinks it was them.

I can finally breathe easy, and I silently watch on as the man who shouldn’t have a heart unknowingly holds one in his blood stained hands.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

I lurk around Inazuma a bit more and lo and behold, the traveler makes an appearance. I can only imagine what will become of Inazuma with the traveler here, so I choose this opportunity to take my leave before things can escalate.

I bid farewell to my newfound Inazuman friends, and I convinced captain Beidou to give me a ride back to Liyue.

As the ship leaves the dock, my father’s lone figure makes a brief appearance. I smile and wave, and this time, he waves back.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

“Oh my goossshhhh.” I whine. It’s taking me forever to find a totally not illegal way into Sumeru. Judging by the traveler’s pattern, this is sure to be their next destination, albeit not for a while.

May as well explore this place again before the traveler’s influence reaches it.

I have made a singular trip here before with the doctor and Scaramouche before I left the harbingers, and I felt beyond uncomfortable around the doctor. I felt bad, but I did not protest when the doctor said he has business to tend to with the balladeer. So, I let them be and briefly explored the vast rainforests of Sumeru. I didn’t get to do too much exploring, but this time is different.

“Yes!! Finally!” I grin and shout with joy when I’m finally in Sumeru. Which unfortunately catches someone’s attention, and I scramble to hide.

A… fox person? Bunny? No, probably a fox due to their tail.

A fox person enters my line of sight as they scour the area. “People shouldn’t be here. How did this dolt manage to make it through?” They say aloud to themself. They sniff the air and start heading in my direction, so I book it.

“Hey! Wait up!” The voice calls for me. I don’t look back until I’m sweaty and panting as I catch my breath near a statue of the seven above my head. I look up at the statue and groan in dismay.

This is going to be a long journey.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

“Hmm. I see. Thank you for your information.” I thank the scholar. They wave me off, and I leave the area. The more I learn about this nation’s archon, the more heartbroken I feel. How can a nation treat their Archon so cruelly? Just calling her “Lesser Lord” is honestly disrespectful in and of itself.

What I’ve heard from the Tsaritsa about the Greater & Lesser Lord seems to add up from what the residents of Sumeru have told me. For once, I actually anticipate the traveler’s arrival. Hopefully they can fix this mess.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

I make my own acquaintances as I explore all Sumeru has to offer. I’ve grown quite fond of this nation, almost as much as Mondstadt.

Although, nothing will ever surpass Mondstadt.

I often find myself perusing the books in the Akademiya, and that’s how I’ve wormed my way into a particular scholar’s life.

“Alllhaaiiithhhaammmm!” I call. His sigh conveys such unconfined dismay that I burst into a fit of giggles. “Here to annoy me again?” “Yes, and this time I want a bigger book!” “…You got it.” Alhaitham immediately hands me a book, and I’m surprised he already had one picked out.

He eyes my surprised expression and he shakes his head at me like a parent scolding their child. “You should know you always stick to the same routine, it’s hard not to anticipate your actions. I’ve picked out a book for you to save myself time. You can read it here with me, or not. Just don’t disturb me while I read.” With a satisfied hum, I take a seat across from Alhaitham and crack open the book.

My eyes alight at the sound of the hardcover book being opened, and I resist the urge to nerd out about the antique book smell that wafts up to my nostrils.

The first time I came to the Akademiya, I asked multiple scholar’s for book recommendations, but none of them knew any books that described what I was looking for. Eventually one of them referred me to Alhaitham. Alhaitham was quick to help me locate the book I was actually searching for. Of course after that experience I made it a habit to visit the Akademiya everyday.

This is Alhaitham and books we’re talking about. I love books, and the books I’m reading contain knowledge that is not easily accessible. Surprisingly, Alhaitham still lends them to me. Maybe he’s inferred more about me than he lets on? Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense why he would risk his integrity as a scribe to lend me these books.

Speaking of books.

I happily hum as I flip the first page of the book, and the first few sentences have me hooked. This book is about the origins of Sumeru, Irminsul, and the Akasha. Except this book contains more information than what’s available to the public. I already have “forbidden” knowledge because of the Tsaritsa, but it’s always good to read up on topics yourself to make your own judgements and interpretations.

As I flip through the book I feel Alhaitham’s gaze on me, but I don’t say anything about it as I continue to flip through the book.

Eventually he awkwardly coughs to get my attention, and that’s when I finally look at him. We’re not super close since we’re across the table from one another but my cheeks still flush when our eyes meet. He’s very handsome.

“Y/n, what knowledge are you hoping to obtain from reading all these books?” Alhaitham’s question catches me a bit off guard, and I take a few moments to contemplate my answer.

“More knowledge about this world.” Is my simple response. Alhaitham puts his book down, and I’m so shocked by the action his next words don’t immediately register with me. “Well to me it seems that the knowledge you seek will not be found within these books.”

After I get over the fact he genuinely put his book down to have this conversation with me, I stare at his intense irises. His eyebrows are drawn together and he looks oddly serious. “What do you mean by that? I just told you the knowledge I seek is about this world.” Alhaitham acknowledges my words with a nod of his head, yet that expression remains.

“Yes, that is what you told me. However, your eyes tell me there’s more to it than that.” Said eyes widen as Alhaitham reads me like the book he just set down. He continues to speak when I remain silent. “It seems the true knowledge you seek lies within yourself, and you already have all the answers you need. Take some time to yourself to think about what it is you truly want. Scouring these books on knowledge you’ve already attained will not help you achieve your goals.” He intensely watches my facial expression, and although I’m still shocked I’m honestly a bit touched that he cares so much to tell me this.

Alhaitham not only took the time to listen to my request when I approached the Akademiya’s Scribe in search of rare books, but he also trusted me enough to lend me these books, albeit very reluctantly at first.

I wonder how he can read me so well, and since he obviously knows more than he lets on, why did he lend me these books to begin with?

“Hey, Alhaitham?” He hums in acknowledgment and his hand prompts me to continue speaking. “Why did you lend me these books?” This time Alhaitham’s the one who looks taken aback.

His lips subtly form a small smirk before his expression quickly shifts back to one of neutrality, but I caught his shift in expression nonetheless. “Well, it’s not often you see a person with two visions. It’s not hard to infer one is a masterless vision while the other is your own. The real question lies in how did you acquire your visions, and which one is yours? My hypothesis is that you acquired the Anemo vision of your own accord, and the cryo vision is the one you obtained from someone else. I won’t pry for the details but surely there’s more to your story than meets the eye.” Once Alhaitham finishes his explanation he proceeds to pick up his book again and continue reading like his inferences weren’t spot on and scarily accurate.

I close my book shut and sit back in my seat. I close my eyes as I reflect on Alhaitham’s words. “It seems the true knowledge you seek lies within yourself, and you already have all the answers you need. Take some time to yourself to think about what it is you truly want. Scouring these books on knowledge you’ve already attained will not help you achieve your goals.”

I know he’s right, so instead of indulging in the knowledge that rests in the book before me I’ll take this time to really figure out what it is I want.

I have an inkling of a feeling I’ve had my answer from the very beginning.

So, why is it that I’m just realizing this now?

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

I wait for the Traveler to arrive in Sumeru. It seems trouble follows wherever the traveler roams, and something’s telling me it won’t be long before they arrive.

I sigh as I stand up and stretch, taking in the beautiful rays of sunshine. I’ve taken time for myself, and I finally found the answer to Alhaitham’s question.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to pursue what it is I want when an important person who’s a part of that plan is.. well, …I have no clue where they are. I’m hoping I’ll encounter him somewhere in Sumeru, but the odds are low. Maybe I should return to Snezhnaya and sneak my way around Fatui camps?

No, that’s a recipe for disaster. I groan and mess up my hair as I run my fingers through it.

Why are you always on my mind? Why am I driving myself crazy over you? I haven’t seen you in ages, and honestly I don��t know if you even feel the same.. or if..

My thoughts drift away as I catch sight of a tall figure in the distance. I gap at the sight of Dottore walking through the streets of Sumeru, near the Akademiya.

No, that can’t be right. Why would he be here right now?

I quickly hide myself and slowly sneak closer to the man; I want to make sure I’m not hallucinating and it’s really who I think it is. I’d rather hallucinate about any other man over Dottore, but a hallucination is preferable to the real… well.. things.

Once I’m closer and his blue lock of hair is only a few feet in front of me, I know with the pounding of my heart that the man before me is for sure Dottore, if not, one of his clones.

Then that could mean…

I survey the area with a newfound seed of hope. It’s a bit of a longshot, but thinking back to what he told me before..

I cover my mouth before an elated giggle can slip out, and I slowly move away from Dottore.

I remember the promise we made. Does he really expect to find me here, and for me to help him achieve godhood? I wonder if he even remembers the promise we made with each other that day…

With a solemn sigh I continue my trek to the Akademiya, being extra cautious to stay out of Dottore’s line of vision.

Well, until we meet again, I shall find solace in books and the hot men of Teyvat.

…Ignore that last bit.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

When I spot the traveler this time around I decide to tail them and watch over their journey in Sumeru from afar.

I’m not stalking them, but I need to follow them since I’m bound to learn valuable information on new developments in Sumeru if I remain nearby.

It’s not like I haven’t followed them briefly in various nations to obtain crucial information on recent developments. I was able to witness some of the events the traveler underwent, while others I’ve heard of through gossip among the locals.

As I follow the traveler I learn more about them, and I’m a bit impressed. Not enough to want to befriend them, but they’re definitely someone the Tsaritsa would want me to keep an eye on-

Ugh.

I shake my head to rid myself of the deplorable thought.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

I wish I brought snacks, since this is getting good.

I eagerly follow the Traveler as they discover what the Sumeru scholars have done to the poor dendro Archon. I only follow them a few miles into the desert before I return to Sumeru since it’s too hot for me to handle.

I’ll bring myself up to speed when they return.

Once gossip of the Traveler’s return reaches my ears I’m quick to track down the Traveler, just in time to follow them into a domain.

Okay, this was not the plan.

I didn’t mean to follow them into an enclosed space since it raises my likelihood of getting caught, but I’m here now so..

I maintain an adequate distance from the traveler and stifle my laughter as they struggle to solve some of the puzzles within the domain.

My heart sinks as we continue to explore the domain, and Paimon’s booming voice from afar does nothing to soothe the rapid pace of my heart when I come to a realization.

I know where we are and what lies in this domain.

I glance around me at the scenery. Yup, I’ve been here before with Dottore and Scaramouche. I recall the time I insisted on tagging along with Scaramouche, before I left this domain to explore Sumeru on my own. What I witnessed here made me uncomfortable, so I welcomed the escape I was offered when Dottore told me he had plans needed to pursue in private with Scaramouche.

I fidget as a feeling of dread overwhelms my senses. This place never gave me good vibes. What if I have to witness that again and- wait.

Is this the place I’ll be able to see him again?

My questions are soon answered, and I’m glad I remain hidden through it all.

My heart breaks and a tear slides down my cheek at what Scaramouche has chosen to become.

I sigh and watch from far away as Traveler fights the “god” before me. I hope I can still help him once this is all over, although.. not in the way he probably meant.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

I have a hard time finding Scaramouche after his “fall from godhood.” I wanted to run and catch him as he fell, but then I would give myself away.

So instead I grit my teeth and watch as the traveler didn’t even attempt to help him, which is understandable (he was being a bit of an ass), but still…

So it’s quite a shock when I stumble upon a short male clad in blue while I’m restocking my food supply. I almost don’t interact with the man since the man before me could easily be a manifestation of my yearning for Scaramouche, but when our eyes lock I know for certain that Scaramouche is the man standing before me.

My palms sweat and I pray my voice doesn’t crack.

“Hello there traveler! Would you like to-“ I don’t let him finish and ignore his oddly polite tone. I jump on him and embrace him tightly.

“Scaramouche!! I’ve missed you so much. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to see you again. So, what’s with the new look?” I almost reveal how I saw him back in Inazuma at the factory, but I keep my mouth shut since we’re in a moderately busy and public area. I know he’ll probably shove me off of him, annoyed that I’m hugging him, but I can’t help but give in to my desire to hug him after being apart for so long.

The man standing near the beautiful array of fruit for purchase chuckles. “Is this someone you know little guy?” The man turns towards Scaramouche and I, and I wait for Scaramouche to answer.

Except, his eyes meet mine and there’s no hint of recognition in them. I feel my blood run cold when he gives me a polite smile before he slowly peels me off of him. “I’m not sure who you’re referring to when you call me Scaramouche, but I’m sure it was an honest mistake on your end. I can help you find him. What does he look like? Where did you last see him?” I feel sweat gather upon my brow when he stands before me and denies having any sort of recollection of me.

Wait, the traveler. And everything that happened. Could it be that he has amnesia? Or does this have something to do with…

To test my tentative theory, I ask him a question he has to know the answer to if he truly is Scaramouche. “Do you remember what the weather was like the day we last saw each other?” The only response I get is an awkward cough from the man beside Scara as Scara awkwardly laughs away my inquiry. “Again, I’m not entirely sure what you’re referring to. If it’ll help-“

I break off into a sprint as I run away from the man who can no longer recall my face. My eyes water and I angrily rub the droplets off my eyelashes before they can fall. I refuse to cry before I figure out what exactly is going on, and if this is a result of what I think it is then I may not be the only one whose memory was altered.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

Sure enough, any memory of the man named Scaramouche has seemingly vanished. The only way I could really confirm this was by questioning the Fatui who were left behind. I disguised myself as best I could, making sure to hide my hair and face, before questioning them about the harbingers.

They were overly suspicious of me and immediately attacked me, as expected, so after a good beating they spilled the beans.

Thankfully Itto isn’t around.

To the lower ranked Fatui members, the Harbinger Scaramouche didn’t exist. I was tempted to bring up his name, but I didn’t want to cause any complications for myself or him in the future. So I released the Fatui members and immediately returned to the Akademiya to scour books.

Books on Irminsul, which I recall is the tree that holds all the information and memories of Teyvat.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

Judging by the information from books, it is hypothetically possible to erase past events and memories from all people of Teyvat if Irminsul is tampered with.

If that’s the case, then I can still recall Scaramouche and Greater Lord Rukkdehvata…

I close my eyes and recall the many tidbits of knowledge the Tsaritsa has bestowed upon me, coupled with the knowledge of other harbingers and the books I’ve been scouring for the past couple of days.

Could it be that I’m…

I shake the thought away and return to the objective at hand. If the memories of Scaramouche were removed from Tevyat then it could potentially be restored under specific circumstances which are highly unlikely..

But this is Teyvat we’re talking about, and the traveler is involved. I recall the words a mysterious man once told me. “There are no coincidences in this world.”

Alright, that settles it then.

With a start I spring from my seat, hearing a startled yelp from the blonde man sitting across from me. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I sheepishly apologize to the man. He shoots me an inquisitive look, but accepts my apology nonetheless. I try not to laugh at his annoyed expression when he spots someone walking in behind me. I don’t waste time in leaving, and I exchange brief hellos with Alhaitham on my way out.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ♡　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Locating the traveler is a bit of a difficult task, but my previous experiences from my days with the Fatui come in handy. Unfortunately, I’m pretty good at recon and tracking people down. It’s even easier since the traveler is a well known individual.

When I finally spot the traveler from afar, they’re walking into a building, so I quickly follow them.

It’s a pain getting into the building without being spotted, so unfortunately I miss some information. When I notice the dendro Archon talking to the traveler, hope blossoms in my chest when Scara- … the man in blue is seen with them.

I sneak closer and have to close my eyes and strain to hear, and when I tune in I’m surprised by what I hear.

Scaramouche now refers to himself as Wanderer, and his “former” self, Scaramouche, attempted to erase his existence in hopes of changing past events in Inazuma.

Oh, Scaramouche..

I tune the others out for a moment as I mull over the information I gleamed. It’s hard to continue moving forward with your sins weighing upon your soul, and he must’ve truly felt that erasing his existence was the best outcome not only for others but for himself as well.

How heartbreaking.

I tune back into the conversation. The dendro Archon, Nahida, discusses how it’s possible for Wanderer to regain his memories. Once the Wanderer finally agrees to the plan they create, I silently leave the building. I could follow them and see his memories for myself, which is tempting, but I’d prefer to hear about his past from his own mouth. I’d rather not invade his privacy by seeing his past without his consent.

It’s funny, since in the past I probably wouldn’t hesitate to do so.

…

Aw well, it’s better this way.

I leave the premises and choose to aimlessly wander Sumeru as I wait for Scara to regain his memories.

I know I’ll eventually run into him again.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ♡　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

I hug my knees to my chest as the breeze lifts my hair in the wind.

Scaramouche- no, Wanderer…

It’s been a few days since I saw that confused look in his eyes when I hugged him. I clutch the hem of my clothes as I curl in on myself further.

What if he still doesn’t remember me? What if he forgets his time as a harbinger?

I know the weight on his shoulders would be lessened if he did forget, but a selfish part of me hopes he remembers, solely so he won’t forget the time we spent together.

Wanderer, I hope you remember me.

My thoughts begin to spiral, and a familiar tightness constricts my throat.

I hate to feel like this in a place where anyone can see me, but my body freezes and I’m afraid I’ll trip over myself like a fool if I try to get up and leave.

My breaths come out faster and I squeeze my eyes shut in hopes of blocking out the dizzying lights.

Deep breaths.

The moment I take a deep breath, I feel someone’s presence nearby. I hope they keep walking and don’t ask questions since I need to focus on calming myself down.

I sense the person lower themselves to sit beside me, and they place a comforting hand on my back. The sensation of their hand running up and down my back helps calm me down, and soon my breaths even and my heart rate slows its rapid march.

“You imbecile.”

My body freezes yet again, but for a different reason this time.

My head shoots up from my knees and I swivel my head so fast I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash.

Next to me sits none other than Scaramouche, or well, Wanderer, and a frown is on his lips.

“How long has this been happening?” He asks. He stares me down, and I feel my heart beat a steady rhythm. His presence alone calms my racing heart. “Sca- Wanderer… I… Do you remember me?” I hate the way my voice cracks, and his face shows mild surprise.

“Of course I do. You still owe me you know. Come with me, I don’t have time to waste.” He stands, but he leans down to offer me his hand.

“Get up. The ground is no place for you to stay, you need to stand up.” His words offer me a strange sense of comfort, and I hesitantly take his hand.

“So, it seems you know more than I thought. You called me Wanderer instead of Scaramouche… tell me what you know.” With that, he begins walking. He slows when he sees I’m not following, and he turns around. “Are you coming?” “Do you want me to?” “Why wouldn’t I-“ “You forgot about me.” My emotional statement causes him to wince.

He lowers his hat to obscure his face as he looks down to the ground for a moment. When he looks up again, it’s into my eyes. “I’m sorry. I was being foolish at that time. I’m not one for promises, but I’ll promise you this; I’d never forget a human like you.” His words steal my breath away, and when I run into his arms this time his eyes shine with recognition.

“I missed you.” I whisper against his clothes. I hear the sharp intake of breath he takes at my words. He doesn’t return my hug, but I enjoy the comfort of his body against mine regardless.

I jump slightly when I feel a pair of arms wrap around me moments later. “You’re so…” His whisper is carried away in the wind, and I chuckle at his obvious loss for words.

I’m glad he can’t see my silly, lopsided smile.

I start giggling, full of glee. “What’s so funny?” He asks. I shiver when one of his hands brush across my lower back.

I rest my head against his shoulder, and I’m surprised by the unusual temperature of his body.

“Your body… is warm.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ♡　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“Oh, wow… I correctly deduced some parts of your story but others.. not so much. I still can’t believe the doctor did such a horrible thing. Well I do believe it but for a person to commit such a heinous act is so… wow, Dottore.” I clench my teeth as I utter that disgusting name. I hate that man with a burning passion, and hearing Wanderer’s story reminds me of a sweet girl I encountered in a village when I first entered Sumeru.

She helped me find my way to the Akademiya, but before I could leave she collapsed where she stood. She said it was normal for her and she was just exhausted, but I had a feeling there was more to the story so I stuck around and cared for her in the best way I could.

Turns out the fox person I originally ran from is named Tighnari, and he returned to the village to care for the collapsed girl named Collei. That’s how I learned of the cause of her exhaustion.

Since I have more information than the forest ranger, I quickly pieced everything together. I knew what really occurred with this sweet girl, and it pained me to know the doctor could inflict so much suffering on a child like her.

I’ve never despised a man so much. I’d go so far as to say hate, but no one, let alone him, deserves me putting that much energy into their irrelevant existence.

I sigh as my mind returns to the present. Dottore. This man has done so many horrible things to people and puppets alike. “I can’t stand that man. I’m sorry you’ve experienced so many traumatic events, but thankfully now you can take your life and your future into your own hands and grow as a person because of it. This doesn’t erase the wrongs you have committed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grow and become someone better. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come.” I flash him a smile, and his eyes widen as his mouth forms the cute shape of an ‘o.’

“Speaking of past events, I went on a journey of my own and I figured out what it is I’m truly searching for. Ever since I left you that day I didn’t know what direction I wanted to take for myself. I did some wandering- haha, pun intended, and a scribe of all people helped me come to a conclusion. Although, my father also played a major role in my journey. Anyway, I discovered that I…” My words trail off and I watch in awe when Wanderer averts his gaze.

He turned too late though.

“Wanderer, did I just see..?” “Shut up, moron. Continue. What did you discover?” Wanderer indiscreetly runs his hand across his eyes.

I decide to let him have his privacy and not pester him on the unshed tears I saw on his lashes.

I move a bit closer to him and offer a silent hand of comfort over his. I’m thankful he doesn’t move my hand away.

“Well, I discovered that what I really want is to find the truth of this world. But I also..” I tentatively glance in his direction, and I’m surprised by his focused gaze on me. He’s never been one to care for other’s affairs, yet he seems so invested in what I’m saying. The thought brings a silly smile to my face that I hope he dismisses.

“I also want to create genuine bonds with others and grow to be the best version of me that I can be.. and there’s a certain someone I’d like to have by my side..” I fully turn towards Wanderer and squeeze his hand as I tell him, “I want to do this with you. I want to experience many days to come with you by my side, or well, me by your side as you probably prefer I phrase it. I.. I..” I nervously chuckle when his expression remains unreadable, but I won’t back down now!

“When I’m with you, my heart races and my palms get sweaty-“ “Trust me, I noticed.” He interrupts me dryly. I glare at him and he only smirks in silent reply. He nods to prompt me to continue, so I do.

“I.. You.. You may not feel the same way I do about you but-“ “Just get on with it and stop beating around the bush-“ “I love you, okay!? Gosh let me finish speaking before you interrupt me. Anyway-“ I freeze when I realize he provoked the answer out of me, and my face burns in embarrassment. I attempt to remove my hand from on top of his and make a break for it, but he predicts my movements.

His hand laces itself together with mine and he pulls me in so I fall against him. “Wanderer!” I shout in embarrassment. I close my eyes and hope his rejection isn’t too harsh.

Oh, who am I kidding. This is the former Sixth Fatui Harbinger we’re talking about.

I brace myself for rejection, and the silence is awfully loud. The thing that breaks the silence catches me off guard, and I can’t help but smile when his laughter cuts through the tense atmosphere.

His laughter is much cuter and lighthearted than I thought it would sound, and it soon ropes me in. We’re a bunch of giggling idiots sitting side by side on a bench, and passersby give us a mixture of sweet and curious glances.

Once our laughter slows to a stop, I wait with baited breath for his next words. “Oh, you fool. You’ve always been very perceptive, but never with the things that are most obvious.” Hey! He chooses to reject me with a roundabout insult!?

I quickly turn my head to scold him, but the words get caught in my throat as he chooses that moment to close the distance between us.

I’m surprised by how soft his lips feel gently pressed against mine.

It takes me a moment to process what’s happening, and once I do my already vibrant world bursts in an explosive array of bright colors as I realize the implications behind his actions. Before I can return the kiss he pulls away, and he smirks at my expression. “You dolt. Didn’t you just tell me you love me? Why didn’t you return my kiss?” Wanderer ‘tsks’ and begins to move away from me with that annoying smirk still on his lips. So, I do the only plausible thing that comes to mind.

I kiss that stupid smirk off his face.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ♡　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

P.S

When he kisses me back, it feels as if my heart is glowing.

I really am a lucky girl.

#genshin x reader #genshin x you #reader insert #genshin x y/n #genshin reader insert #genshin x female reader #genshin impact x reader #wanderer x y/n #wanderer x female reader #wanderer x you #wanderer x reader #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x female reader

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mareposie · 2 years

Text

eden kids high school hc

They are imperial scholars (Damian was the first and he helped Anya to be the second one by getting a perfect grade)

They have this friend group with Becky, Ewen and Emile (occasionally George) they are always together and they are the most popular students in Eden.

Nobody bullies Anya because one day in middle school there was this accident and Damian said “Disrespecting Anya Forger is disrespecting me, a Desmond and you don’t want your family to be blacklisted.” + everyone knows Anya’s mother is close to Damian’s mother so they leave her alone.

Anya knows it’s BS because Damian is not close to his parents at all.

Damian knows Anya’s powers and this alone was enough to forgive her for using him for the mission, actually he even helps her because he’s angry at his father and doesn’t feel bad because he’s not the favorite son. They bonded through that a lot and they tease each other a lot in public and keep acting like they are annoyed by each other.

Damian is the school president, Ewen is the soccer team, Emile is the Becky is in the radio club (she does announcements and says a lot of BS in the morning) and Anya is the school’s council treasurer after she tried to start a nap time club.

They have their own table in the cafeteria. They even have a stupid name like 5den or Damian and the e-boys or whatever.

They are the first ones to arrive in school and last to leave. Damian sometimes buys his coffee (dark raw coffee) and decides to treat everyone with their favorite drinks. He brings Emile his latte, Ewen his iced americano, Becky’s it girl order (venti matcha ice latte with half oat milk half almond milk and 3 teaspoon of agave syrup) and finally Anya’s hot chocolate milk with cake.

Actually he always buys her cake for their study sessions.

A lot of physical touch. They don’t mind sharing food and using the same glass, fork, spoon etc. Anya loves to draw on Damian’s hand during class, while he is focus on taking notes for the both of them. Anya notices his dry hands and put her hand cream on them. Sometimes she even put some chapstick on his lips.

Becky puts concealer on everyone’s face whenever she spots dark circles.

Anya scolds him for sleeping late and Damian scolds her when she eats with her hands. By scolding I mean screaming “OI! YAH” and slapping each other.

Anya cried in preschool because she had no chocolate on V-Day and eversince, Damian secretly puts her expensive chocolate in her locker every year + publicly give her some and to close friends. She knows he knows that she knows but it’s a tradition anyway.

Damian hates chocolate on V-DAY because he received some with a strand of hair in it and got disgusted for life. He throws away the hundreds of chocolate boxes he gets every year. But he would totally eats Anya’s. She offered him the strangest things, she even gave him his first Tonitrus Bolt.

They both date around a lot because they don’t want to ruin their friendship but everyone knows it’s a matter of time. There’s this saying in Eden “getting punched so hard, he fell and never got up”

There was this girl who dared to call Damian Sy-on Boy and oh, she created chaos in the school. Anarchy. Anya was so pissed and Damian was even more pissed, since they are in the school council it was AWKWARD.

Anya calls him by his full name when she’s upset and vice versa. He usually calls her Forger. She actually tried to call him “Dami” once because that’s how his house staff used to call him and he fainted.

Emile and Ewen calls Anya “Boss Woman” and Jeeves calls her “Young Master’s girlfriend”. Max LOVES Anya and Bond is jealous. Melinda LOVES Anya as much as she loves Yor but that’s for another day.

Damian is a honorary Forger, he spends a lot of time in the house when he is not overworking himself to death. Yor calls him “Dami”. They always have those deep discussions with Loid and the blonde is like a father figure for him.

During parents’ meetings and other school events, Yor and Loid are present for Anya AND Damian since his parents are never there. Yor always tells everything to Melinda afterwards.

Also everyone has a crush on Dr Forger.

There was that time in preschool where Loid and Yor visited during an event and everyone was mesmerized by their looks. And someone pointed out that Anya didn’t look as good as like them and was probably adopted and poor girl cried because she’s adopted 💀

Only Becky knew the secret, then Damian. It’s a big secret.

Damian can’t read under his favorite tree in peace because she will always snuggle next to him to take a nap.

They shared a bed so MANY times it’s ridiculous. Actually the 5 of them often share a bed when they are on a trip. Ewen smuggles beer cans during the school trips and got caught so many times 💀 Anya and Becky are his favorite drink buddies because Damian and Emile go into coma sleep after one drink. Becky is always clubbing barely gets any sleep so Damian and her bonded through energy drinks.

Damian sends texts like “you up ?” at 2 am then deletes it. They have a chaotic group chat and Anya is terrible with texting because she makes a lot of typos so she only does loud audio messages. Emile is the one who takes pics and sends them on the gc. He always takes pics of the sunset and shows it to everyone like “look how beautiful our planet is, I can’t believe we’re so blessed” with shiny eyes. Damian corrects everyone’s typos in the gc. Becky is the most active in the group.

When they want to skip school, Damian is the one who calls the school and acts like a parent to say the student is sick and won’t be in class. Anya did it one time and she said “This is Anya and Anya’s mother won’t be in class today because she’s sick” and the school staff made her repeat it three times then she got a Toni lmao.

See the Prince Yuki Club in Fruits Basket ? There’s a Prince Damian club in Eden and its president is the headband girl, of course, Anya is the nation’s enemy.

There’s also a Damianya fanclub and they became ally with Prince Damian club to ruin whatever relationship Damian has. Anya is also popular because of her looks and her quirky personality but nobody beats Becky who owned the school at some point.

Every single girl Damian has dated ended up with a broken heart because they thought they could change him. Every single boy Anya has dated ended up crawling in front of her house and crying with loud music to get her back.

Actually Anya and Damian kissed several times ‘just to try’ but nobody knows.

#spy x family #spy x family headcanons #damianya #I HAVE A LOT OF THESE #anya forger #damian desmond #anya x damian #becky blackbell #ewen egeburg #emile elman

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bookishfeylin · 9 months

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I didn’t think it was possible to like you more but I do after that reblog about Rhys being white or brown. I’m middle eastern & I hate to say it but i went through a period where (despite being in my 20’s) reading acotar really negatively effected my self esteem 🥴 The narrative where anyone but white women were plain or “not a thing of beauty” began taking a toll. I had to step back from the sjm universe after a while bc all I could think about was that I loved these characters but they wouldn’t love me, they would find me ugly, I will never look like the white characters with other worldly beauty. Like i feel dumb for being so effected by it but it felt like a repeat of growing up non white & feeling like you’re not even viewed as a girl let alone in the comparative league as the white beauty standard. But finding your blog and other sjm critical accounts massively helped bc recognizing sjm’s barely concealed racist writing and how generally flawed her writing is helped me snap out of my insecurity after months so thank you 🥲

This isn’t meant to be a trauma dump I’m sorry I just wanted to share my thoughts. It’s interesting to recognize her appropriation of ME culture (I also felt she did this in tog bc many names used were literally Arabic (Nesryn, Farasha, Yafa, etc.)) yet the Illyrian women are plain and overlooked for white females. Additionally, the notion that Illyrian culture is based on ME/brown culture, but it’s the orientalist take wherein the men are brutes who want docile women, who SA and commit FGM (by proxy via the wings), who are abusive and oppressive to their women is SUCH a slap in the face. Anyways that’s my 2 cents ty for listening

Anon I’m so sorry 😭

I’m so glad that us critiquing Sarah's racism helped you grow out of that insecurity though! Her books bother me in particular because of how popular they are and how none of the white women on booktok seem to… care? At all? Like the basic white feminism and “escapism” is so appealing they turn a blind eye to the racism and I hate it so much, because all it does is further perpetuate racial stereotypes. I talked a lot about this especially around last October/ November shortly after I first came on tumblr.

And I really appreciate your thoughts and I agree! It seems almost… fetishistic, if that makes sense? Liking the CULTURE but having disdain for the people who make up that culture and that jumping out in the blatantly racist writing where she clearly didn’t care about all the stereotypes she incorporated into her descriptions of Illyrians and their culture. It’s just so gross, and I pray for the day the larger fandom will discuss in depth how harmful that writing actually is.

#acotar #acotar analysis #racism #eurocentric beauty standards #a court of thorns and roses #acomaf #On media #internalized racism

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peachymilkandcream · 13 hours

Text

Down Into The Depths|Levi x Evelyn AU

Request: Hello, could you make an AU where Levi is a merman who becomes obsessed with Evelyn, a human?

(A/N: AO3 request and very interesting! Kind of a reverse of Siren. I hope you guys enjoy and thank you for the request!)

WARNINGS: implied noncon/dubcon, big age difference, kidnapping, slavery, violence, power imbalance, implied somnophilia, forced pregnancies, mind breaking, yandere behaviour, yandere themes, implied forced exhibitionism, etc.

===============================================

Levi had been content in the waves for his many long years of life. He had kept away from the filthy lives of humans and their polluting ways. They sweat, got covered in dirt, and naturally became vile. Each of those nosy sailors and pirates tried to find him, trying to make their fortune, each time he brought them down into the depths and let them drown. He would never be outsmarted and taken by a human.

In his spare time he took humans who waded too deep in his waves and disposed of them two, seeking to rid the world of these creatures one at a time.

On such a time as this Levi watched a woman with her skirts rolled up playing among the waves. Usually he hated the women who came to his shore, all done up in face curls and powdered faces. They were all fake, full of themselves. Human customs of needing to attract mates this way disgusted him, the times he saw men lowering themselves and becoming weak just to attract a woman. It was unnatural.

But this woman, she wasn’t dressed in the obnoxiously bright coloured dresses the others were. Her hair was pulled up hastily and she didn’t powder her face. More likely than not she didn’t have the human currency to be like the other women he saw. Not that this was a bad thing.

Slowly he approached, coming to lay on a rock. Levi was used to women fawning over him, and this would be no different.

“It’s dangerous for women to be travelling alone.”

Her head snaps up with a gasp, she hadn’t noticed his tail yet, cleverly concealed. Her eyes trying hard not to stare at his naked chest. “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know there was anyone here, I would never intrude.”

“Relax. You’re not in trouble for wading in the ocean. I just wonder why a young woman like you would be out here on your own.”

“Just to cool my aching feet. My mistress allowed me a moments rest.”

The realization that she was a working woman disgusted him. No matter the profession he believed in the circle of life in the sea, the females were made to be impregnated and bear offspring. Which is why he despised seahorses but that was a whole different story.

“You must live near by then.”

“Oh yes in that big house up on the hill, since I work there that’s where I stay.”

“I see. Do they treat you well?”

She shrugs. “Well enough. I’m sorry I have no manners. I’m Evelyn.”

“Levi. A pleasure.”

The conversation dies a moment.

“I should be getting back.”

“Will I see you again?”

She seems surprised and flustered for a moment. “I- probably. I usually come here once a day.”

“So tomorrow then. Same time.”

“Well I don’t know-“

“It’s a date.”

She seems speechless a moment before nodding. “Tomorrow.”

Levi smirks as she walks away, this one would be fun to toy with.

=================================

For days the two met at the same spot, Levi slowly learning more about this strange woman. It was as if she didn’t even care that she knew nothing about him. Normally he would have grown bored, but something about her kept him coming back, counting down the minutes until he saw her again.

Evelyn sighs. “Do you ever feel like your feet hurt so bad it makes your whole body ache?”

Levi chuckles. “I don’t know much about feet.” He flicks his tail, revealing it to her for the first time.

As expected her eyes widen and her jaw drops slightly. “You’re- all this time- it’s impossible-“

“It’s not I assure you. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed by now.”

“What are you doing all the way up here on shore?”

“Speaking with an interesting human.”

She blushes slightly. “I’m hardly interesting-“

“On the contrary, I’d say you’re fascinating. A woman like you who could have it all and yet lower yourself to this position.”

“Well- I don’t really have a choice-“

“But you do. Don’t you understand? You could abandon that life and come with me. I have the riches from several sunken ships and the rule of the sea. You could have it all.”

Again she’s speechless a moment. “No, no I can’t do that- I hardly know you. That’s just irresponsible. And besides what would people think. The whole idea of throwing everything away for a man I just met, one I hardly know who’s not even a human.”

Levi’s eyebrow twitches in annoyance. “You could live your life to the fullest if you just come with me.”

“I told you that’s crazy, and I’m not going to do something so foolish!”

She backs up slightly, noticing how he swims closer to her , trying to escape the waves.

He sighs and rubs his temples. “And here I thought you’d do this the easy way.”

In an instant he grabs her legs, pulling her down until she’s sitting in the watery sand. Evelyn tries to crawl out of the water, screaming in terror as he slowly drags her further down into the waves.

He pulls her down until she’s under the water, holding her in his strong arms despite her struggling as her consciousness slowly fades.

================================

Evelyn wakes on a small island, isolated. No ships or other islands on the horizon.

“Good. You’re awake.”

She sees Levi emerge from the water, his tail slowly turning to legs. She turns her head from his now naked body, only earning her a smile.

“Enjoy what you see?”

“Where am I?”

“Safe. But don’t worry, you’ll get acquainted with this in time.” He chuckles and runs a cold and wet hand through her hair, but surprisingly that wasn’t what made her shiver the most.

==================================

Levi had made life comfortable for Evelyn on that island. Giving her food, shelter and a new life. And while she was hesitant now she was round with his second child, showing her submission to nature. It was her fault after all, she came into the waves.

He couldn’t be blamed for bringing her down to the depths.

#break me slowly #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #levi x oc #levi ackerman #levi aot #levi x reader #yandere levi #yandere levi ackerman #yandere levi x reader

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merely-a-caricature · 10 months

Text

Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai: An Analysis

(Picture of the Project SEKAI ver.)

Before I jump into the analysis, I just though I’d preface with some basic info about the song! Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai is a song by Mafumafu (obviously) commissioned for 25-ji Nightchord de. for Project SEKAI COLORFUL STAGE! feat. Hatsune Miku. The song itself was written for 25-ji.’s Main Story. It is on the Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai/Keitai Renwa/Jackpot Sad Girl album. The song is also one of two commissioned songs of his (the other being Keita Renwa) to have a self-cover in place of a Virtual Singer version, but a Hatsune Miku version was uploaded to the game.

I’d also like to preface by saying I’m not a Proseka player, so yeah :P

Also, this is be a long post, so just beware! Analysis starts after the cut!

Now, time for the actual analysis! All the translations used here are from the Vocaloid Lyrics Wiki. Here is a link if wanna check out the lyrics and translation! I’ll also link it at the end along with links to the other pages I used info from!

Starting off with the first lyrics,

“If you pierced right through me with a knife

That would be nice, that would be nice.”

These lyrics seem pretty self-explanatory. The words seem to express a desire for pain/wanting others to inflict pain upon them for some reason. But it almost strikes me in a sort-of sarcastic manner(?) you could say?

“If you stabbed me with your absurd, pretentious speech,

That would be nice, that would be nice.”

Again, similar sentiments to the first lines. I think there is a bit of sarcasm/cynicism to these words, though. Like, the feeling of people will brushing away your problems, ignoring them, and-or minimizing them almost. That sort of feeling. Or the annoyance you feel at people that shriud themselves in a cloak of righteousness and the greasy aura they ooze. Expressing disdain for that kind of nature might also be the feeling that is trying to be communicated

“Even though I've thrown it in the trash already,

I've been hiding my entire life in the cuffs of my sleeves.”

This has some stuff to unpack. Firstly, the subject talks about throwing their life away, demonstrating a lack of value in themselves and in their life. Secondly, they talk about hiding their life in the cuffs of their sleeve. I believe it refers to putting up a facade, to faking and pretending to be okay even if you’re depressed, struggling, suicidal, etc. The way in which this is described by hiding it in the cuffs of their sleeves seems to be a possibly reference to self-harm. Concealing a part of their life literally (self-harm), but also in a more metaphorical sense hiding their life (their despair, pain, anguish)

“And there it's remained, unable to be burned, not turning into ash.”

“It” is their life, and they’re saying it has remained hidden. Their pain and suffering remained concealed from everyone else. They’ve continued to hide it. The subject seems to possibly be a bit suicidal, since the lyrics possibly to refer to ending their life, talking about how they’ve been unable to burn it and turn it to ash. They’ve been unable to dispose of this life. Or it could be in a more passive-suicidal manner like “I wish I’d just die in my sleep,” or, “Ah, I wonder what would happen if a car hit me,”. Something like that

“I want to die, I want to disappear, there's nothing left for me here,

There's no more hope in a life like this”

It is now being demonstrated much more clearly that the lyrical subject is suicidal. However, first they say they want to die then they say they want to disappear. Oftentimes, people are suicidal, but it’s not death they truly seek. There is a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to exist/live. A lot of times when when someone says they want to die, the underlying sentiment is, “I hate my current circumstances, I don’t want to live like this,” and other similar things not expressing a true desire for death (Not to say some people don’t feel truly want to die, just that in the “stages of suicide” they’re are a LOT of stages before one reaches a true desire for death,). It’s more “I want the pain to stop, I want peace, etc. than, “I don’t want to live”. So the lyrical subject is suicidal, but I don’t think they truly want to die. They’re also, obviously, very depressed as being suicidal and feeling overwhelming hopeless is indicative of depression.

They’re also very clearly depressed, stating that there is no hope in “this” kind of life. I believe this further supports my former statement, as it doesn’t seem they’re truly seeking death but an escape from the current life they’re living which seems to be influenced by their past. They want to die not because they want to death but they seeks an escape from this perceived hopeless life.

“So I'm just standing here in this nightmare,

In a world that bloomed from my choked past.”

They’ve been suffering and hiding their their feelings, and they’ve been unable to discard their life, so now they are stuck here, living life, trapped in a nightmare. The subject wants to die, wants to disappear because they are living in such a nightmarish life, living in such a horrible painful world, and this world is the result of their past. The world they’re living that is the source of this suffering, pain, and hopeless in life seems to be caused by their past. They’ve clearly experienced a traumatic and horrible past for those experience to result in such pain and despair within themselves today

“I'm broken, I'm covered in invisible wounds,”

They feel broken, utterly beaten down by life and the things they’ve experienced in past and their trauma. They’re covered in wounds that no one can see, most likely meaning emotional and mental scars, the suffering and pain they’ve silenced carried around with them. Wounds that others can’t see are often the most painful, and they’re the hardest to get taken care of

“And I know that

They won't be able to scab over.”

This seems to indicates a sort of realization from the subject. They’ve seem to have given up on their being any chance that they can heal, that their emotional and mental state can be repaired, stating that they know, for sure, that this is the case. Having hit rock bottom, lost in the depths of darkness, they truly believe there is no hope for them

“So I write the future with this lament.”

Because of the actions and words from others, because of their pain, because of the life and world they’re living in, because of how seemingly hopeless it all is, because of their helpless, because they want to die, they want to disappear, and so, they write their future with this lament

“Pretending to be alive while marching toward death,

That's life, isn't. That’s life.”

To me, this line seems to bring into question the true nature of living. Simply breathing and eating isn’t living. Living is more than a biological state of being. People often distinguish between “survival” and “living”, the former simply being alive, your heart beating and your lungs breathing while the latter emphasizes actually being present mentally, enjoying life and valuing it. So, pretending to be alive questions whether or not you’re truly experiencing life or simply going through the motions until the moment of your death. Whether or not you’re truly making a meaningful journey or simply marching towards the end point of death. Perhaps this is all there is to life, they think

“So then why were we born into this world,

In such immature, imperfect bodies

Each one with a heart still beating?”

The question behind why we even exist (which eventually brings up the question of if there even is a reason) is a very weighty inquiry to say the least. If life is merely marching on until we meet the finale, death, then what is the point in living anyways? Why were we born into bodies that are even able to function in the first place?Although these bodies are amazing and function well, they are broken and will eventually fail, but why is that? Why are we born into such a world of suffering, into bodies that will crumble, why are we born if we’re simply to die? That kind of despair, those kinds of thoughts that torment someone, the kind of future it paints is very grim, and the affect it has on someone’s mental state and worldview is massive, driving people to do all sorts of things

“That's right, I tried to get a flower to bloom

By watering it with this crumpled watering can

But there wasn't even a single seed scattered in the dirt.”

The lyrical subject tried to achieve something, tried to do something, but the seeds for such results weren’t even planted. All their efforts were in vain because there was no hope anything would happen in the first place. If the watering can is that person’s efforts, then the fact that it is crumpled may indicates they feel their attempts are somehow broken or subpar. Perhaps implying that even if there were seeds, this effort and persistence is inherently broken and would fail to bring fruit. Again, a very hopeless attitude

“That's why I slipped away, abandoned it,

The love that's like a plague on this world,”

Because your efforts are in vain, if living is just an act we’re all obligated to perform because we’re just programmed with an “I don’t want to die” instinct, they left it behind. The love described here is probably not real love but merely artificial feelings, a fake kind of care and affection, and this plagues society, and the lyrical subject wants no part in it

“And the depths of a superficial friend's affection are

Thinner than a fingernail.”

This just hammers in the disingenuousness of the friend’s love, or perhaps the kind of “love” offered by people on a societal level. This type of synthetic love that has permeated society isn’t worth picking up, so you leave it behind

“I don't know anything, I don't want to know anything.”

Ignorance is bliss after all. Feeling as though you know nothing is horrible, but maybe you feel fine this way since it would be more painful to know stuff anyways. Being dumb isn’t great, but wisdom brings it’s own curse, so maybe it’s just better to stay dumb and happy. If it’s better not to know anything, then why would you want to know anything? There’s no reason to. This sort of painfully apathetic attitude takes over the subjects mind

“I know that

There's no deeper meaning behind these words anyway,”

This lyrics puzzles me a bit. I sort of think of it in this way: When you’re in an unhealthy state of mind, you’re depressed, those types of darks thoughts will enter your head without you even realizing. Maybe you don’t even truly mean the things you say, but it’s just become instinct and habit to say them anyways. If that’s the case, then my words aren’t really worth that much if they’re just phrases I offer up on instinct. Although the fact it is habitual is indicative of something deeper going on. This song is in a first-person POV, but our narrator is clearly not doing well, so they can’t be entirely trusted to be reliable. They say their words have no greater meaning, but this is coming from someone who doesn’t value their life and is clearly depressed, so you’d likely want to take such words with a grain of salt. But then does that mean when they vent their worries and they get philosophical we should take that with a grain of salt? No, definitely not. You have to be careful when listening to these sort of self-deprecating comments

“So I write that future with this lament.”

Having established this uncertainty of the meaning of purpose of life and the reason for suffering and death, having realized a seemingly futile effort, because the love of this world is so superficial, so empty and lacking, because of the things stated before, the lyrical subject composes a future filled with lament, and they despair.

“I only have enough wax on this candle to last me one way,

And I'm desperately trying to keep it aflame.

In the dimly lit inch I can see ahead,

Who do those tracks belong to, who's the one who's fallen into a hole?”

This set of lyrics is longer, but it will make more sense with all of them together.

Firstly, I believe the candle is motivation for living or simply just your life. If it was the case, then it would sort of make sense that you only have enough “wax” for a one-way trip, since you don’t really need a reason for living when you’re dead (and your life ends when you die, obviously). That might also explains why you would desperately try to keep it aflame. Of course we want to cling to a reason, a motivation for living and wanting to live, and we definitely want to live, right? Life is valuable, but simply knowing life is valuable isn’t enough for keep moving forward. That will to live is enough to at least give you some insight into the future, to she’s some light on the path in front of you, hence the “dimly lit inch”.

Continuing with this theme, the lyrics describe the lyrical subject finds someone who’s fallen into a hole. I would presume this is because their “candle” has burnt out. They could no longer see ahead, they were left in the darkness and fell into a pit. Their will to live (or just simply their life) burnt out, and now they find themselves at rock-bottom, or worse, they have ended it all (or just died from causes that weren’t self-inflicted(). The tracks could perhaps refer to how they’re signs that someone is depressed, a change in their attitude and behavior and general demeanor. If taken to mean they’ve killed themselves, then those tracks could represent the warning signs (most suicides are premeditated). Or going with the candle just simply being an allegory for life, it could mean their were warning signs of the imminent death

“That's life for you, the life that we have.”

The kind of life we’re gifted is beautiful and amazing. Life truly is a gift and a miracle. However, we’re also gifted a life that is incredibly difficult and challenging. We’re given a life where we have to fight to stay alive and keep the desire to live aflame.

“Was the very act of being born

A mistake?”

Given everything that has already been established by the lyrical subject in this song, the question of whether or not being born is a mistake is a natural one to reach. Additionally, this sounds very much like something that would be said by someone who is depressed and/or suicidal. A lack of self-worth and being unable to see the value in life or one’s life would lead to questions of whether or not their existence is truly meaningful or purposeful. With the kind of attitude and outlook on the world the lyrical subject has established (shallow love, a painful, cursed existence, hopelessness, despair, etc.) the idea possibility if one’s birth being a mistake can’t help but come to mind. And the implications that come if one’s birth truly was a mistake cannot be understated

“I want to die, I want to disappear, there's nothing left for me here,”

Again, this hopelessness and anguish is present in the lyrical subject’s thinking.

“There's no more hope in a life like this.”

This lack of hope in life and the future is indicative of a depressed state of mind and/or the possibility of suicidal feelings

“So I'm just standing here in this nightmare,

In a world that bloomed from my choked past.”

Once more, the things that happens in their past, the pain and anguish they were inflicts still haunts them to this day causing their world to be like a nightmare. They feel helpless to do anything so they just simply stand there and experience it without any possibility of changing things for the better.

“I'm broken, I'm covered in invisible wounds,

And I know that

They won't be able to scab over.”

The emotional and mental scars from their past are evident. They don’t express hope of ever healing. It just seems so hopeless

“So I write the future with this lament.”

Because of this utter hopelessness and helplessness, they write write the future with lament

“I'll write the future with this lament.”

This is the way they see the future. There’s nothing good waiting for them, and this life is just going to end with death, so they continue to lament.

“I want to disappear, I want to disappear

How many times have I said that to myself by now?”

When someone is depressed, when someone is suicidal, one of the symptoms is being preoccupied with death and constantly thinking of death. Before you know it, you’re mind is constantly fixated on death, your death, others’ deaths. You just can’t help but think and wonder about it. It’s almost frightening how easy it is to fantasize or contemplate dying or simply disappearing from this world. But, as I stated before, not wanting to exist, wanting to disappear, is not synonymous with wanting to die. Even so, it can seem almost surreal to realize how far you’ve fallen and how dark your thoughts have become. That is the sentiment expressed with these words.

“Please, give me regrets, so that I can no longer dream.”

Quite frankly, I’m not quite sure what this is supposed to mean. Maybe they don’t want to dream because dreaming and failing would be to painful. Or maybe holding onto dresms in such a hopeless and terrible world with only a dark future isn’t worth it. They don’t want to desire anymore because it ain’t worth prolonging this life of suffering and walking towards an endlessly dark future. They’ve lost any hope, they’ve just complete given up. They lament the future and it’s led them to give up on dreaming or desiring. That is the culmination of everything before.

Resources:

Lyrics and song info

Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai Translation on the Vocaloid Lyrics Wiki

Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai on Vocaloid Wiki

Kuyamu to Kaite Mirai on the Project SEKAI Wiki

Other

What is depression?

DSM-5 criteria for depression

Are suicidal acts spontaneous or premeditated?; the nature of suicidal acts

Passive suicidal ideation; what’s the difference between active and passive?

“It’s not That I Don’t Want to Die | It’s That I Don’t Want to Exist”

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