#but i do have people i trust who are in a better emotional headspace than i am!!

[sn0wshimmer]

Systems, be kind to your “problematic” alters. No, I don’t mean don’t give them consequences for their actions, and no, I don’t mean just let them wreak havoc on your life. But I do mean try to work with them instead of against them.

We have one of these problematic alters. Her name is Nyx. She holds a lot of the trauma and holds a lot of mental illness symptoms and addiction problems. She embodies some of the worst parts of our abusers. Nyx has intense emotions that she can’t always control, she can be manipulative, nasty, mean, she takes front and suddenly we’ve been on a bender for four days and she’s been a total bitch to everyone who loves us and who we love. She self-harms, she’s the reason for a lot of our near misses with suicide. When we say she can be problematic, we MEAN IT.

We’ve spent years fighting with her, trying to keep her in headspace, treating her coldly. She always breaks out of containment. She’s weirdly good at it. But recently we’ve started thinking that Nyx’s propensity for breaking out is, in part, our brain trying to tell us something. Because after years of fighting against her, we decided to try something new. We saw her being angry and bitchy about a particular guy our partner was talking to, and instead of condemning her and locking her up, we asked her why.

Nyx didn’t know the answer at first, so we waited with her until she figured it out. She then explained that she feels like expressing her needs makes her a bad person (which is almost definitely an internalized message from our abuser), but circumstances around this particular guy were making her feel really insecure, and in the absence of being able to talk about what her actual feelings are, she tried to get rid of the threat by being overall angry and negative about him. In essence? Nyx feels like she can’t express needs because she feels like she should be able to meet them independently. So, the needs go unmet, and she ends up resorting to underhanded tactics to meet them, which doesn’t always work because people can’t read her mind, and then it builds up into a much bigger problem than it was originally.

And you know what? That’s something we can work with.

In one of our first acts of real system cooperation, we coaxed her into talking to our partner about how she felt, and she did, and she even wound up apologizing for her behaviour, on her own, without any of us making her. 

We decided that instead of locking her back up, we’d give her the grace of letting her have a little freedom, and asked her not to go on a bender or self sabotage relationships. And you know what she did with front the next day?

She put on a cute outfit, put temporary pink hair dye in our hair, had a drink and a smoke at dinner with our parents and brother, and went to see the Barbie movie with our mom and nana. Not exactly the unhinged behaviour we’ve come to expect from her. The most unhinged thing she did was the hair dye, and honestly? The colour is temporary and it looks good on us. She showed off the outfit to anyone who would give her the time of day, and it was honestly adorable. She was so happy and excited to feel like a cute girl! It’s a very different side of her, but one that’s been here the whole time.

And all it took was offering her some understanding, teamwork and trust. She hasn’t gotten better overnight. She still has a lot of problems. There is still work to be done with her. But you know what did happen overnight? She’s agreed to work with us at all.

So yeah. Be kind to your problematic alters, because that’s the first step of cooperation.

#osdd #did #did osdd #osddid #actually plural #actually did #actually dissociative #plurality

[whatbigotspost]

What I wish I could get people who didn’t grow up in highly controlled, abusive environments to understand is that when the very people who are forming you are really fucked up and bad, you are FULLY incapable of knowing that as a kid.

You’re not capable of “damn my dad is really not ok” or “mom is toxic” for a long time. It’s years and years of “this is life. That is my dad. That’s my mom. It’s just how it is.” It often takes PAINFUL moments of realization to get to even questioning if your life isn’t normal. In fact, in my experience, it takes many painful moments to eventually get you there. Someone at school making fun of your parents, for example. Or some outside caring adult noticing things they seem worried about w/ you. Or a particularly extreme incident of abuse that shakes you. Or reading/hearing someone recount abuse they survived and you get the sick realization it’s like a mirror for you.

When your primary caregivers are your means of survival, your brain wraps you in many many many protective layers of denial and whatever the fuck else it needs to so that you can get through it. Many folks like myself will spend more time healing ourselves as adults from our childhood than we spent in the childhood of trauma itself.

Also, let’s be real, an implication I’m making here is that a lot of folks don’t even pick at the thread of “was I abused?” because it’s too overwhelming all together. Or even “was my childhood kinda fucked up?”

Spoiler alert. If your childhood was kinda fucked up, it’s better, in the long run, to acknowledge and address that. Anyway, this is my characteristically long winded way of wanting to recommend some books on the subject that I have found deeply relatable and meaningful:

•Jeanette McCrurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died: If you’d be up for an unflinching look at a deeply difficult childhood that includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect and disordered eating in the Disney-universe, this is your read. Thinking about what McCurdy has had to overcome chills me to my core but the feelings she shares in words felt deeply relatable and I know they will help many.

•Ashley Ford’s memoir Somebody’s Daughter: I’m biased to love her because she’s a fellow Hoosier but you will love her too. Incredibly well written and deeply moving, Ford’s memoir covers her childhood with an abusive mother, a father in jail for rape, and survivorship of her own rape, as well as her place thriving now. She offers us such meaningful processing of her story. (And just writing style wise, this one is a mega fave.)

•Grace Cho’s memoir Tastes Like War: this one is a deep dive into Cho’s upbringing with a mother (who like one of my parents) has schizophrenia. I found her account of having a first hand seat to a parent’s mental health decline too relatable. The components of her story that focus on her mom’s experience of war and immigrating from Korea and the role that Korean food plays in their lives, are moving beyond words.

•Tara Westover’s memoir Educated: having been raised in a very isolated, survivalist Mormon family and tiny community in Idaho, Westover shares her personal story of a quest for escape and education. Although my family was nowhere nearly so unusual and isolated as Westover’s, I feel what she chronicles will highly resonate with anyone raised by someone who seeks to keep you away from “mainstream influences” or who is any level of survivalist.

Obviously, these are heavy reads and DO NOT check them out if you don’t feel in the right headspace. Each one moved me to tears multiple times. But if your awful/strange childhood and leaving it (them) behind makes you feel alone trust me YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️

I also recommend these reads for anyone who wants to see at an anecdotal level what are experiences of people raised in highly abusive environments and/or raised by parents struggling with mental illnesses and/or people raised in high control situations. Chances are you know/love someone who fits that description and you may gain helpful insights.

#abuse #rape #mental illness #child abuse #neglect #resources

[swirlygigg]

after having a weird time of it with a recent sexual encounter i heartily recommend again making sure to negotiate and be responsive to your partner(s) during sex! especially re: things like hypnokink where you get into a specific headspace and ESPECIALLY if you are neurodivergent and/or physically disabled!

talking about it more under the cut, i also talk about my tips and advice, but scroll to the bottom if you just want to read those and not some of the stuff in the trigger warnings

tw: description of sex where actual pain and distress is described, discussions of potential emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

so i recently had a sexual experience with someone who is also aware of my kinks, but inexperienced, by their own admission, in actually executing it. in previous times we kind of played around with it, but having sex with this person is kind of new stuff. during the part where i was tapping into my switch energy, domming, and catering to their kinks, i played very carefully. i always do, especially with newer people, and i try to take more breaks than are Technically needed, especially as we are acclimating to each other and i don't want to risk overstepping.

in an earlier scene i had with a longer-term partner, we pushed on each other's boundaries with regards to consent--but we're very responsive to each other and that kind of play takes time to build up to. in this specific case, it's been like 5 months of us and building up a lot of trust. so i'm not Unfamiliar with CNC, i just also know there's a real emotional weight to it.

when we switched and i was subbing with this new person, they also started to try to cater to my kinks--i'm pretty open with kinky people that i like hypnosis, but we had only really flirted with some language around it.

i ended up mentioning one of my triggers and it was nice to play around with that for a little bit--dropping really deep and having a lot of orgasms is fun. i even enjoy overstim, so that was okay... to a certain extent.

having autism means i kind of stop being able to form words sometimes, especially when i'm overwhelmed. we had jumped straight into the scene without establishing a real signal to stop that would be nonverbal. i am not one to do theatrics unless we agree on it, so if i start pulling away or flinching or yelping, i usually feel like that is a strong sign to stop--but this person was unable to pick up on the signs i was in actual distress. they were also unaware of how hard they were going at certain points. they also kept using my trigger to the point where i ended up using my internal safeties for hypno to pull myself out. kind of an unpleasant experience on my brain and also not my favorite way to come out of being dropped, but also a necessary element you should build into hypnokink whether you're a hypnotist or subject.

i ended up calling it and had a pretty massive sub drop. i also told them that we needed to establish boundaries and safeties better before we have sex again.

honestly, again, i am glad i had my personal safeties for my own reaction to triggers i have. but it reminded me that playing with inexperienced people or worse, people who might actually want to harm you maliciously can be dangerous! there is a real possibility of abuse if you are susceptible to being put in a headspace that makes you somewhat dependent on another party.

if communication breaks down for whatever reason between you and your sexual partner(s), you should establish ways of keeping each other safe. that means developing nonverbal signals, monitoring your partner's reactions carefully, monitoring your own reactions, and finding other ways to communicate before, during after sex if one method stops working!

for neurodivergent and disabled people, where the ways we communicate can be different, i really want to urge us to be extra on top of this to protect ourselves. i'm hard of hearing (HoH), which is why physical reactions like someone's heartbeat or breathrate are things i pay attention to. and having autism and being HoH is why signing and nonverbal signals are so important for me.

maybe this is all super obvious stuff, but i would rather say it and maybe help someone out with how they approach this stuff!

#swirlygigg speaks #this one is kind of a weird read i am sure but i hope it is useful if you choose to read it. thanks for listening! #k1nk #hypnok1nk

[amyintherapy]

Darkness, Neglect, Shame, Dissociation

I've been struggling emotionally. The nice thing is that I'm far enough along in therapy that I know it's just part of the cycle that comes with facing trauma in therapy. Sometimes I get far enough with discussing trauma that it just puts me into this dark headspace. I had clinical depression as a teenager, and it's not as bad as that, so I hesitate to call it depression - but it's somewhat along those lines.

I want to sleep way too much, and when I sleep I tend to have a lot of nightmares. Or sometimes I just wake up sad and/or anxious without remembering anything I've dreamed about. Everyday tasks require way more effort than they usually do. Like bricks are tied to my feet and arms. It takes a lot of effort to make myself cook even the simplest of meals, to shower, or to play with the cat even when she brings me the toy she loves to play fetch with. She's so cute it hurts, but it still takes effort to play with her when I'm in a dark phase like this.

My mind tosses around childhood memories/trauma on repeat, but it's hard to really put into words. I have to really push myself to open up to my partner about my thoughts and feelings, I usually share with him pretty effortlessly. It's not that I'm trying to block people out, it's just that converting my thoughts and feelings into words others can understand feels extra challenging. Like...I'm not resistant to sharing with him or with a couple of close friends...but I just don't know how. Yet when I have taken the time to figure out how to turn some of those thoughts and feelings into words for him, I feel better. So I've been trying to keep reaching for that. I believe a lot of what I'm experiencing is uncovered shame. I had seen some therapists talk about how trauma is always closely linked with shame, but that we often don't notice it.

I had the realization a couple of weeks back that a lot of my anxiety is rooted in shame. I've also come across content that has talked about having an insecure attachment (aka attachment trauma) is something that tends to leave people with chronic shame because when we failed to develop a secure attachment with our caregivers as infantats, we have to adapt ourselves to try to earn connection. But that means we betray our authentic selves in some way, we put on an act to be what we think we need to be for our caregivers. And that sends us the message that our authentic self is somehow unworthy or not good enough of being connected with, accepted, deeply loved, as-is - which makes us ashamed of who we are. One of the biggest things I'm wrestling with related to my childhood emotional neglect and shame is whether I can trust my own perspective on my childhood. My more logical brain believes that childhood emotional neglect is extremely common. Roughly half of all people have an insecure attachment, and that stems from lacking emotional attunement, which I Think can be considered emotional neglect. But also, common parenting practices completely normalize emotional neglect. Most of the authoritarian parents I know outright expect their children to deny their own beliefs and feelings in favor of obeying the parents' directions or commands. Even among people who I think of as trying to step away from things like demanding obedience and using corporal punishment...many parents still routinely deny their children's feelings and beliefs for the sake of trying to maintain authority. For example, their toddler son snatches a toy from the 5 year old daughter, and the daughter hits her brother in return. The parent yells at the daughter for hitting her brother and she says 'I was so mad he took my toy!' and the parents refuse to validate her anger because they are focused on how her behavior was unacceptable. Which...yes, it's wrong to hit. But you can validate the feeling without validating the behavior, and a lot of even 'gentler' parents don't recognize this, so they routinely invalidate their children - and that's emotional neglect. Extremely normalized, and usually well-intentioned...but emotional neglect when that happens to a child routinely throughout their childhood.

And it makes so much sense when I remember that for young children, their parents are their #1 support person. The way that for most adults, their spouse is. Imagine if the majority of the time that you had big feelings and shared them with your spouse, or your spouse even just witnessed you having big feelings, they disagreed with you about your feelings. Wouldn't you feel so alone and unsupported? Plus you have to factor in that for children, they are born wired to do anything possible to maintain connection with their parents as their little bodies know that they are dependent on their parents for survival. So when they are routinely dismissed and invalidated, they don't think "man, this person is so uncaring! I don't deserve to be dismissed all the time! What a jerk!" they instead think "Man, I am always wrong, I am broken, I can't do anything right." When I think about an example like that in the context of anyone else, it makes sense to me to call that emotional neglect. I know a lot of children who pretty clearly are lacking a sense of safety and closeness with their parents, as they don't go to them when they really need support. For example, they get bullied at school but never tell their parents as they just assume the support won't be there. So many kids feel so alone, and it's due to their needs being neglected so regularly that they don't attempt to keep connections with their parents. Or in worse cases, it's not just that they are lacking support, but that their parents are the source of suffering, so there is no reason to think they could get support if just avoiding being harmed by their parents is the goal. I don't mean to compare or measure traumas, but I don't know how to make the point I need to make without doing so. So please know that I am not at all trying to diminish other people's neglect experiences.

But I think it makes sense to say that a child who regularly had their big feelings invalidated or dismissed was emotionally neglected. Even if they also were given support in some other ways. And my situation goes a lot deeper than that, and yet it's hard for the more emotional side of my brain to accept that it's reasonable to say I was emotionally neglected. For example, even when my mom learned that I was cutting myself, she never asked me what was going on or tried to offer me support. Instead, I was yelled at - and then we pretended nothing was happening for several months. Once a teacher caught on and sent me to the school counselor, they told my mom I needed to see a therapist, and so she set me up with one. But she still never talked to me about my mental health, why I was cutting myself, etc. Even after my therapist pushed me to get on meds for depression, she never paid any attention to whether or not I was taking my meds. She never met with my therapist to find out how I was doing, although she had that right as I was only 14. When she found out about my sexual abuse, she never asked me about it, never offered me any support. To this day I've never discussed it with her. How do you find out that your child was sexually abused and not even talk to them about it? The only time I can recall ever attempting to go to my mom for emotional support or help was when my stepfather was repeatedly making creepy comments about my body. I was 9 and starting to experience very early puberty. I was desperate for him to stop. She had been around when things were said, but had never reacted. I stupidly assumed she must not understand just how upsetting this was for me. And I desperately needed it to stop. So one day while in the car alone with her I worked up the courage to say I was really upset by him always talking about my body. I had a hard time even speaking this to her as I was crying so hard. Her response was that he was "just noticing that I was growing up". He continued to be a creep, she never said anything. I wasn't stupid enough to try to get emotional support from her ever again. The logical side of my brain says that it is beyond reasonable to call my experiences emotional neglect. In one therapy appointment, I mentioned to my therapist that I had realized that I Didn't have a working definition for what emotional neglect meant. Several years back, it had occurred to me that I had working definitions for physical child abuse and emotional child abuse that were very much based on my own experiences. I basically was defining physical abuse in a way that would leave loopholes for my experiences so that I didn't 'qualify' as physically abused. And same for emotional abuse. But I don't even have a definition of emotional neglect, and I think that is because there is no way I could define emotional neglect that wouldn't include me. And yet...the emotional side of my brain is so strong and loud that it somehow feels incorrect to say that. A large, emotional part of me feels like my childhood was quite normal. And I know that 'normal' mostly just means 'common' and that how common something is, has no difference in how traumatic (or not) it was. Logically I know my brain is just grasping at straws, trying to avoid seeing the truth in full detail. Trying to protect me from that pain of accepting the truth. But it's weird because the logical side of me knows already. I don't feel like I am effectively protected from the truth. I just also can't fully accept it, or feel it as true with my whole brain. When I Talk about the neglect, I automatically dissociate and that makes it pretty impossible to FEEL like what I'm thinking is true, as my brain and my body become disconnected. My mind knows the truth, but I don't really FEEL it as true. It still feels false somehow.

In the past, when I've had these days/weeks of feeling 'stuck' in a dark headspace following trauma therapy, it's followed with periods of significant growth and improvement. So, that's my silver lining - that I'm probably in a big phase of growth right now. The whole 'its always darkest before the dawn' concept. But, I am tired of feeling 'dark', and of having so many nightmares. I can tell my partner is missing the regular me, although he's extremely supportive of me and the work I'm doing. I miss the regular me too. And I miss having energy for more than just survival. I have two therapy appointments this week, maybe they'll help me find my way back to regular me.

#my posts #trauma #emotional neglect #attachment trauma #insecure attachment #ptsd #cptsd #childhood emotional neglect #shame

[vox-off]

what started as a way to pass the time while miserably sick for two weeks has become a new hyperfixation and i have catapulted myself face first into the wayhaven chronicles and i wanna yell about my detectives under the cut

Eilidh is reserved, kind in action if not in affect, patient, logical, soft-spoken, and iron-willed. Her backbone makes steel seem doughy. Her resolve is unshakable. She is the older sister of Det. Cameron Fox. She joined the Wayhaven PD for something mentally engaging to do. She is wildly intelligent and gets Weird when she doesn't have a puzzle to solve; once she has one, she's a dog with a bone. She feels intensely but privately; to see - or, more accurately, to be shown - what Eilidh is feeling is a surer sign of trust than anything else. Though she experiences emotions intensely, she is able to let them go. She is without artifice and almost without ego; she owns her mistakes, but does not dwell on them. Beyond her very small circle of beloved people, she cares very little what others think of her. She did not believe in soulmates until Adam; she has never wanted anyone as badly as she wants him, has never loved as fiercely as she loves him, but will not settle for anything less than all-in. She has no intention of waiting for him to get his head out of his ass, but also knows she will never find his equal. There is no getting over Adam du Mortain, there is only learning how to live with him at arm's length. Besides her brother, Mason is Eilidh's best friend, full stop. She loves Tina and Verda, but she knows they oftentimes wish she were different, more open, warmer. Mason is the first to not only accept but respect her for who she is, no changes imagined or required. She is slow to anger and uses violence only when her hand is forced, but heaven help you if you touch her brother. Neither Fox sibling has a good relationship with their mother. Eilidh sees Rebecca as little more than a stranger. Rebecca projects acceptance onto Eilidh's stoicism and Eilidh does not trust Rebecca enough to be emotionally honest or demonstrative with her. In turn, Rebecca does not know Eilidh well enough to recognize the difference.

in my blorbo headspace, my two detectives are siblings, they both work for the wayhaven PD, and they both have the blood mutation. rook died just after cameron, the youngest, was born. i'm handwaving the probable police policy against siblings working together in a professional capacity because, quite frankly, i don't care enough about police procedure to portray it accurately. also if their mother can be their agency liason/handler, their sibling can be their partner in (solving) crime. also also vampires exist, we're already firmly in unrealistic territory

Detective Eilidh (AY-lee) Fox - Intimidating/Cautious/Genuine/Stoic/Stubborn. 34 y/o. 5'9. Dark brown hair, grey eyes. Highest skill: Deduction.

Cameron is passionate, combative, irreverant, loyal, has unrepentant problems with authority, and is a little bit of an asshole. He is the younger brother of Det. Eilidh Fox. He joined the Wayhaven PD as an alternative to prison and despite it being what landed him in hot water in the first place, he still punches first and asks questions later, if at all. His sarcasm is a bulwark for his soft spots, of which there are many, the biggest being his sister. The only thing quicker (and sharper) than Cameron's wit is his anger. He is possessive in such a way it backfires into heroics: you mess with his people or his town, you'd better have an excellent exit strategy, for hell hath no fury like a pissed off Cameron Fox. He is in a Something with Mason. Like Mason, Cameron doesn't do complicated; he prefers one night stands and flings without expectations of commitment. Bobby was his last attempt at a real relationship, and it ended disastrously. He and Mason have the same general ineptitude with feelings and the recognition of them. Cameron is stupid gone for Mason and is absolutely clueless about it, right up until he isn't, at which point he tries very hard to be clueless again; the only thing more terrifying than what he feels for Mason is the possibility of Not Having Mason. Come hell or high feelings, he will not rock this boat. He wouldn't consider himself super close with anyone in Unit Bravo besides Mason, but if he had to choose a second favorite, it would be Felix. In Rebecca's absence, Eilidh raised him and he would kill - and die - for his sister. Neither Fox sibling has a good relationship with their mother, but of the two, Cameron is more openly hostile to Rebecca. Cameron felt Rebecca's absence less, as Eilidh stepped into the caregiver role without second thought; his anger at Rebecca is for the burdens Eilidh had to bear in her stead.

Detective Cameron Fox - Charming/Impulsive/Sarcastic/Stoic/Even split Easy-going and Stubborn. 31 y/o. 6'3. Golden blond hair, dark blue eyes. Highest skill: Combat.

#voxbox #the wayhaven chronicles #twc #I AM OBSESSED OKAY. I'M ALREADY WRITING LITTLE FICLET SCENES THIS IS ABSURD #normally i percolate for MONTHS on media before reaching this stage but here we are barely two weeks in

[painted-bees]

Omg...I gotta answer this as a post because it'll probably exceed the character limit for an ask box reply...

Raf:

Already answered the candy one hehe!

🥤 [PARTY CUP] How does your OC feel about drama? Do they start any themselves?

Raf is drama averse, oh my god. He gets so, so exhausted by his own thoughts and feelings, he doesn't need any outside contributions to the turbulence in his head. Bringing drama to him is a really fast way to get him to passively avoid you completely. But also...he mist certainly does start drama himself by over reacting to things based on paranoid misinterpretations. And he really, really hates when it happens. Again, it's just so exhausting. He's gotten much better at postponing his reactions until he's gotten a second opinion, or finds himself in a better headspace to dissect the events that upset him--but he'll never be a saint about it, he gets caught off guard and slips up like anyone would. Just--sometimes it appears to someone on the outside like he can be set off over nothing.

🍁 [MAPLE LEAF] What is your OC's favourite season? Why and what do they do during it?

Raf likes autumn..! Not too warm, very colorful...rain. He's a cozy homebody. He will listen to the rain his his window and fall asleep to it--and if he's got a Margie under arm, all the better. Cozy.

🍟 [CHIPS/FRIES] How much junk food/sometimes food does your OC eat? Has it affected their health?

...Raf's a stoner lmaoooo he eats...more junk food than he should, let's be honest. But he does also try to work it off and generally manages to avoid overindulgence...most of the time.

🍑 [PEACH] How do they show their kindness? How kind are they truly?

Raf's internal dialogue is...very cruel. But in a "cornered animal" kind of way that lashes out defensively. It seems to believe that everyone has an ulterior motive, that people only interact with him in order to gain something for themselves, often to some unknown detriment to himself. That no one is ever just nice for the sake of kindness and empathy.

And, Raf knows this voice is misguided, wrong, and harmful to listen to. It is a voice that arose to protect himself from the people who raised him. People who are no longer in his life. Though the voice is loud and seems to have the most direct sway over his moods and emotions, he has gone out of his way to develop coping mechanisms and counter measures against it--he assumes that all people are good and empathetic until he receives objective, observable proof to the contrary, or someone he trusts tells him that his bad feelings about someone are perfectly well founded for xyz reasons.

Raf just wants to treat people the way he wished he was treated growing up. That's what drives him to work on himself and not fall into the trap of jaded cynicism and self-preserving cruelty. Raf is an immeasurabley kind person. Kindness is a choice he painfully makes every single day against the violent thrashings of the injured and terrified animal that occupies his headspace.

🏵️ [ROSETTE] What flower symbolises your OC best and why? What does the flower mean in floriography?

I suppose jonquils...a desire for affection to be provided in return.

🍪 [BISCUIT/COOKIE] Does your OC prefer things simple or extravagant?

Simple, always. But comfortable.

🥃 [MATE] What does your OC look for in a friend? What do they find is a turn-off?

Raf really...requires someone who is honest, patient, and gentle. But he can...mostly...work with all sorts. However, he will chafe pretty severely with very assertive commanding, pushy folk. Anyone who stubbornly can't take no for an answer, or tries to find work-arounds/pushes boundaries is gonna get very cold shouldered by Raf.

🧈 [BUTTER] How soft is your OC? In what sense are they soft?

Soft like an abalone... an appealing but solid protective shell with a very soft mushy, sensitive, delicious delicacy of an interior. Uh...metaphorically speaking.

🧇 [WAFFLE] Using shape language, how would you redesign your OC?

I feel silly for having no idea what this question is asking lmao

🍹 [TROPICAL BEVERAGE] If your OC could go anywhere, where would it be?

Cottage on a quiet little sparsely populated Island is pretty much the ideal, tbh.

🍔 [BURGER] What would your OC put on their burger?

Cheese, pickles, onion, tomato, ketchup, mustard, and maybe some fancy mayo sauce, idk. The works.

🌻 [SUNFLOWER] Where would your OC get lost in the moment/beauty of the place?

Like--typically? Rocking idly in the hammock on the deck around the cortes island cottage, listening to the distant ocean waves at sunset, watching a small orb weaver spin its web among the weaving grape vines overhead. Breeze rustling the leaves of the forest trees that boarder the property.

🌵 [CACTUS] How physically resilient is your OC?

He has a pretty high pain tolerance and good cardio..??? :U he shoulders silently through some pretty insane migraines and such. But like...he's not like...a tank or anything when it comes to blunt trauma. Don't hit the boy 😭

🍧 [SHAVED ICE] What's your OC's favourite flavour of edible thing (e.g., strawberry)?

Savory. Soy sauce...beef bouillon...caramelized onions...that kinda thing.

🍮 [CUSTARD] Expensive restaurants or cheap store-brand microwave meals?

Vascillating wildly between expensive restaurant and a big mac from McDonalds.

Margie!:

🍼 [BABY BOTTLE] What's your OC's first memory?

being three years old and reaching over the edge of a chair to grab a fistful of cat hair off the back of a long haired cat named Boots...so that she can shove it into her mouth. And her mom saying "no....noooo."

🍷 [WINE] Where on the 'wine aunt scale' is your OC?

Margie does not have the sassy observational chill of a wine aunt...Margie is absolutely "chaotic gay cousin" energy.

🍅 [TOMATO] How misunderstood is your OC? In-universe or IRL.

Significantly. Most people write her off as dorky-ditzy, directionless, lazy, and immature for her age. But--Raf describes her as being possibley the smartest, most hard working person he knows. And she has sculpted her whole life around a single, intensely passionate goal of just...making music as often and for as long as she possibly can. As for maturity, there's a lot more thought behind the decisions and actions she pursues than meets the eye...she just knows how to enjoy things in the moment and takes things as they come. Very Buddhist in her approach to most things...though she herself has no interest in learning about Buddhism and wouldn't describe any aspect of herself that way lmao

🍍 [PINEAPPLE] Pineapple on pizza or not?

Pineapple yes! Favorite!!!!

🏵️ [ROSETTE] What flower symbolises your OC best and why? What does the flower mean in floriography?

Xeranthemum; cheerfulness under adversity.

🍪 [BISCUIT/COOKIE] Does your OC prefer things simple or extravagant?

She has extravagant taste as part of her nature but necessity has humbled it significantly lmao

🧈 [BUTTER] How soft is your OC? In what sense are they soft?

so soft, buttery soft. "cry for other people's sadness" soft.

🧇 [WAFFLE] Using shape language, how would you redesign your OC?

I still don't know what this means 😭

🍔 [BURGER] What would your OC put on their burger?

ketchup, pickles, onion, that's IT!! Anything else is an abomination.

🌻 [SUNFLOWER] Where would your OC get lost in the moment/beauty of the place?

oh, lots of places...many places...every day, there is a place.

🍐 [PEAR] What is their current social standing? If they could change it, would they, and to what?

Margie is uuuh.....before she finds work at Hi-Note, she's mostly unemployed and homeless. Low social standing. She would like to change it so that she has enough money to afford university, and a place to live, and money so she can eat all the food she likes while having enough left over to treat her friends.

🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

Her pursuit of music. She wants to do music stuff...every day. She will not compromise, this is her life.

🌲 [EVERGREEN] What does your OC's dream treehouse look like? What tree is it built upon?

Have you ever played Donkey Kong Country? You know that level with the boardwalks and beavers in the trees? That. Tree Top Town, immaculate vibes.

🌱 [SEEDLING] What new passions/hates is your OC discovering?

Margie is discovering a love for psychology, thanks to Raf. She's discovering how much she really hates the public school system and how messed up a lot of parenting techniques, etc are... thanks to Raf.

🍮 [CUSTARD] Expensive restaurants or cheap store-brand microwave meals?

Expensive restaurant, any day!!! She loves fast food n stuff as an affordable treat but her true love is for the fancy expensive shit she could never afford...

Cortes:

Answered candy and mushroom already hehe

🍓 [STRAWBERRY] How do they feel about 'cute' things?

●__●♡

🍊 [ORANGE] Does your OC have a prophecy surrounding them? If they don't, what would it be?

She does not, but if she did it would probably be something crypticly describing catastrophic floods and the ending of civilizations.

🌰 [CHESTNUT] What food group does your OC mostly eat (e.g., grains, fruits)?

lmao meat [fish]

🍕 [PIZZA SLICE] How good is your OC at sharing? How do they share something if there's not enough supply?

She will share. But only with Magritte and Raf. In the context of sharing, no one else exists 😂

🏵️ [ROSETTE] What flower symbolises your OC best and why? What does the flower mean in floriography?

Zinnias, I suppose...

Already answered butter ehehe

🥯 [BAGEL] What does/has your OC have/had an unhealthy obsession over? What caused this obsession? How do they deal with it? Do they seek help?

Nothing Cortes does is unhealthy to Cortes, there is nothing to deal with and she requires no help.

but lord help you if you try to take away her blorbos.

🥞 [PANCAKES] What's the most your OC can eat in one sitting? At what point do they get sick?

She can devour inconceivable units. We best not think too deeply.

🍔 [BURGER] What would your OC put on their burger?

Cheese, pickles, onion, beet, ketchup, mustard, mayo, egg, soy sauce, french fries, tuna fish, ranch dressing, ice cream, sour warheads, and a sprig of rosemary.

🌻 [SUNFLOWER] Where would your OC get lost in the moment/beauty of the place?

Among humanity has been captivating her well thus far ●__●

🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

entropy.

🍸 [COCKTAIL] When was the first time your OC had an alcoholic beverage? What did they think of it?

I do not think she managed to make it past the smell.

🌱 [SEEDLING] What new passions/hates is your OC discovering?

No new hates, but emotion and empathy are absolutely enchanting.

🌸 [CHERRY BLOSSOM] Does your OC believe in legends/myths?

She believes in what is true; all and nothing

🍮 [CUSTARD] Expensive restaurants or cheap store-brand microwave meals?

She finds no distinction between the two and enjoys both in equal measures!

Lawrence lmao

🌽 [CORN] How good are they at hiding and finding their way?

Absolute mastery of this.

🍪 [BISCUIT/COOKIE] Does your OC prefer things simple or extravagant?

Which ever one is unavailable at the time.

🥐 [CROISSANT] Where is your OC from? How do they feel about their homeland? Where are they now?

He keeps much of this close to his chest...secrets.

but he is with the trio, now. For better or worse.

🧈 [BUTTER] How soft is your OC? In what sense are they soft?

so soft, just a big soft fluffy boiiiiiii

🥨 [PRETZEL] How complicated is your OC's backstory? Who does it entwine with?

He will not impart this tale upon us.

🌻 [SUNFLOWER] Where would your OC get lost in the moment/beauty of the place?

There is a strange mound in the forest, at the root of an enormous tree--into which he frequently disappears.

🌲 [EVERGREEN] What does your OC's dream treehouse look like? What tree is it built upon?

Aloofly, he fails to acknowledge this question

🍮 [CUSTARD] Expensive restaurants or cheap store-brand microwave meals?

oh...what he wouldn't do for some proper sashimi...

#oh my god this took me like...an hour lmao ESHIII #thankku hahaha #Hi-Note #rafael #magritte #cortes

[nottapossum]

Itty Bitty Imps 14. Comfort items and comfort people

Summary:

Stolas and Blitzø go through some rules, Asmodeus is struggling to adjust to being a caregiver, And Blitzø and Fizzarolli are just trying to keep it together…

Notes:

TW: crying, sad and loneliness, feeling scared, feeling anxious, overwhelming emotions, traumatic past, nightmares, implied overdose, fear of dying alone. Lmk if I should add

~~~Stolas and Blitzø~~~

“So…rule one: No biting.” Stolas starts to list.

“And here I thought you liked it when I bite you.” Blitzø jokes.

“In bed there’s a different etiquette than for a toddler.” Stolas explains. “Also, I don’t appreciate the bleeding, thank you.”

Blitzø snickers, personally he found it kind of funny. He’d probably feel embarrassed if he had remembered any of it, but he’s decided to treat his little self like a separate person all together so he won’t have to think too much about it being him who cried for Stolas after he fell down the stairs. (A few blurry memories started to come back to him. He’s choosing not to mention it.)

Stolas and Blitzø were currently in Stolas’s bedroom. Stolas was walking back and forth with a notebook in hand while Blitzø just relaxed on one of the couches by the bookshelf. They had agreed on writing down some rules for Blitzø to follow so they can have more structure when Stolas ‘babysits’.

Blitzø said he really didn’t care whatever Stolas thought was best, but the bird insisted they go over the rules together so there was no confusion once Blitzø was regressed.

Stolas continues. “Rule two: No throwing blocks, toys, or any miscellaneous objects inside or at others.”

“Misa- what now?” Blitzø asks.

“It means anything else, Blitzy.” Stolas explains. “Rule three: no cursing in headspace.”

“Well, that’s just bullshit.” Blitzø says. “How are kids supposed to tell people to fuck off if they can’t actually say it?” Blitzø asks.

“Are you actually opposed to any of this or are you just trying to be contrary?” Stolas asks, one hand on his hip.

“Don’t know what those words mean, I’m just messing with you.” Blitzø says smiling.

Stolas hums, then looks back at the list he wrote.

“Anything else?” Blitzø asks.

Stolas nods. “A few, yes. You can no longer go down or up the stairs by yourself, no tearing books or breaking anything on purpose, if you need something, I’d like for you to ask permission, talk things out with me instead of throwing tantrums, and from the moment you step into the palace for regressing, I will be doing everything for you to help you regress more efficiently.”

“Wait, wait, wait. What?” Blitzø asks.

“Uhm, would you like me to repeat all of that?” Stolas asks.

“You mean to tell me that you want to baby me even if I’m not in a little headspace?” Blitzø asks.

“Well…yes.” Stolas explains, “sometimes it’s hard for littles to regress right away even when they want to, so treating you as a little and keeping you on a schedule will help your mind get used to it.”

Blitzø looks at him nervously. “Mhm…yeah, okay, but hypothetically, what if I think that’s incredibly stupid and a bad idea?”

Stolas sighs. “Blitzø, you said you were going to trust me.” He says.

“And you said I don’t have to remember any of it.” Blitzø reminded.

“But, dear, if we keep to a schedule, eventually your mind will just regress without any unnecessary stress to trigger it. It just may take some time to get used to.” Stolas says.

Blitzø frowns and thinks about it, he doesn’t like the idea, again, has nothing to do with Stolas. But, that’s way out of his comfort zone and it’s also far too intimidate in general.

Stolas realizes how uneasy Blitzø looks so he marks off the rule. “You don’t have to agree, you can decide if or when the moment arises. Sound good?” He asks.

Blitzø breathed a sigh of relief. It sure sounded better. “Yeah. Okay.”

Stolas smiles. “Good. Now, discipline. This one is kind of important and will take some trial and error. I think a simple talking to will normally suffice, but if more extreme bad behavior arises I will simply use time outs, or taking away certain privileges such as tv, sweets, or toys.”

Blitzø doesn’t really know how to respond, it sounds fine, he supposed. So he just nods, giving Stolas his approval even though he won’t even remember it.

Stolas adds. “Of course, I’d never take away any comfort items, don’t worry about that.”

Blitzø blinked at him questionably. He won’t take away the things he loved most?

Stolas saw his confusion. “What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Nothing…I’m just- is it even a punishment if you only take things…’the kid’ doesn’t care about?” Blitzø asks, recalling the time his father threw away his favorite stuffed horse when he turned five a grew an attitude. He wasn’t trying to make Stolas stricter or anything, just questioning his methods.

“Well, it’s one thing to take an object that is causing you distraction or tempting you to misbehave. If you’re throwing blocks, it makes sense to take them away if you can’t help yourself, right?” Stolas asks.

Blitzø shrugs. “I guess.”

“But, it’s another thing to take away something that helps you calm down like a pacifier or a stuffed animal. Especially if you’re in trouble or in distress, having those objects will only bring you comfort and to take that away wouldn’t teach you anything! It’ll just be cruel.” Stolas explains.

“Huh. Alright. Makes sense.” Blitzø shrugs. “I guess.”

“I’ll also have a reward system in place such as: sweets, stickers, and lots of praise for good behavior.”

Blitzø hums in response.

“Oh! Also, I should make a list of all the things I need to get for you that I forgot.” Stolas says. “Extra Bottles, pacifiers, baby food, bibs…”

Blitzø blushed at the thought of Stolas feeding him baby food. He says this a lot- but why the fuck did he have to be a regressor?

“You sure I’m not…you know, too much trouble?” Blitzø asks. “You do seem to have a lot of rules here.” He says.

Stolas walks closer to him and meets his eyes. “You are never too much trouble, darling.” Stolas says, he takes Blitzø’s face in his hands. “You will never be too much for me, do you understand that?” Stolas asks.

Blitzø blushes even more. “Uh- o…okay.” Blitzø answers.

Stolas smiles and kisses Blitzø’s forehead. “Good. The rules are only there to be sure you’re safe. Has nothing to do with you being difficult.” Stolas says.

“Ha! So, I am difficult! You admit it!” Blitzø shouts, as if he just proved a point.

Stolas smirks at him. “Well, yes. But not nearly as difficult as you are now.”

Blitzø rolls his eyes. “You know there’s a million other imps- no, other demons out there who’d love to be your little.”

Stolas hums. “Yes, but they’re not you, Blitzy.”

Blitzø looks up at Stolas for a moment before looking away, frowning. “So…anything else you want to talk about?” He asks.

“No, I believe that’s it.” Stolas says, smiling slightly, he could tell something just crossed Blitzø’s mind, and he wished he knew what it was. “Thank you.”

“Yeah…” Blitzø nods. “You too.”

~~~Asmodeus and Fizzarolli ~~~

“Ozzie! I don’t need the day off!” Fizzarolli insisted. “I’m fine.”

“Fizz, you’re supposed to be regressing at least once a week.” Ozzie explains. They’ve been fighting about this for a while now and it was exhausting! Asmodeus hated fighting with fizz and usually he would cave by now, but legally littles needed to take two days off, and Fizzarolli was no exception.

“Says who?” Fizz asks.

“Says the booklet they gave me with instructions on how to take care of you.” Asmodeus says, holding up the book.

Fizzarolli takes it. “How to take care of your regressed little?” He asks, reading the title. “I don’t regress that much! I don’t live my life based on what a book says…that would be stupid.” Fizz explains.

Asmodeus sighs. “Fizz, you have to work with me here.” He says.

“How can I do that if you won’t let me work?” Fizz asks.

Asmodeus rolls his eyes. “For fucks sake.”

Fizzarolli rolls his eyes too. “Just because legally you are in charge of me, doesn’t mean you get to control my entire life.” He says, arms crossed.

“I’m not trying to control you, Fizz. I’m trying to help you.” Asmodeus explains. “As your boyfriend and your boss, I want what’s best for you.”

Fizzarolli sighs, slumping on the couch bitterly like a child who didn’t get their way. “Do I have to regress?” Fizzarolli asks in a pitiful whine.

“You have today and tomorrow off, whatever you choose to do is your business.” Asmodeus says. “I would never make you regress if you don’t want to.”

“Good. Because I don’t need to and I don’t want to either.” Fizzarolli explains.

“Fine.” Asmodeus says. “Do whatever you need to, you can go back to work on Monday.”

~~Monday: Fizz and Asmodeus ~~~

Fizzarolli was crying.

He was supposed to work tonight, and he probably still could. But, Fizzarolli had two days to regress as much as he needed to, and his brain decides the day he goes back to work was the day he was going to regress…

Super.

They were eating breakfast when Fizzarolli started tearing up uncontrollably.

“Fizz, what’s wrong?” Ozzie ask.

“I’m little, daddy. I’m sorry.” Fizz says sadly, hoping Asmodeus wouldn’t be angry with him.

“I figured that much.” Ozzie says. “Is there anything else bothering you?”

“M’ head hurts.” Fizz whines. “Will you hold me? Please?” The little asks, getting up off his seat.

Ozzie nods and picks up the little one and sets him on his lap. “Fizz…this is what happens when you repress, bug.” Ozzie explains. “We’ve talked about this before, remember?”

“Bu’, I don’ like it.” Mumbles Fizzarolli.

“Don’t like what?”

“Regressin’…sometimes it makes me feels alone…and sad.” Fizzarolli admits.

“It does?” Asmodeus asks, he didn’t know that.

Fizz nods. “It’s scary…n’ I don’t want to feel bad.”

Ozzie holds the little one close. “I’m sorry, darling. That does sound scary. I wish I had known.”

“Sorry.” Fizzarolli mumbles.

Asmodeus kisses his cheek. “It’s okay, bug. It’ll take some time to get used to all this… but, in the future if something is wrong, I’d like for you to tell me, alright?” He asks.

Fizzarolli nods.

“Now, is there something I can do to make regressing less scary?” Ozzie asks him.

Fizz wraps his robotic arms around Ozzie. “Just stay with me.”

Asmodeus smiles. “That, I can do. Do you want to finish your breakfast?”

Fizz shakes his head, not wanting to move.

“What if I fed it to you?” Asmodeus suggests. He wants to be sure Fizzarolli eats since he has a habit of forgetting.

Fizzarolli squirms a little while thinking about it, maybe a little nervous at the idea… but it was better than being alone. “Mm okay.” He says.

Asmodeus happily feeds Fizzarolli and makes sure he drinks plenty of water.

The rest of the day included Asmodeus trying to get some last minute work done while simultaneously keeping a six year old entertained.

Anytime Ozzie suggested Fizzarolli play in the play room or watch a movie, Fizz refused because he didn’t want to be alone.

He realized he may need some help with this caregiver stuff.

But there was no one he personally knew who could give him some honest advice.

He could see a therapist he supposed, but Fizz was already being forced to see one, plus, he also had a caseworker… Fizz would probably wouldn’t like yet another stranger in his business.

If only there was someone Asmodeus already trusted…

~~~Blitzø:~~~

That night Blitzø and Stolas did their normal full moon thing. Stolas of course was exhausted and laid down on the bed as soon as they were done.

Blitzø started to get dressed, but Stolas stopped him. “Will you please stay tonight?” He asks.

Blitzø nods. “Yeah, I guess I can. Whatever you want, it’s your night.” He says, laying down next to Stolas

Stolas smiles slightly as he snuggled up with Blitzø. “Thank you, darling.”

Blitzø relaxed as the two drifted to sleep, everything seemed fine, but deep down his anxiety was eating at him…

‘I could never hurt you.’ Stolas says.

The bird was in front of him, gold feathers flying everywhere.

‘I would never give up on you.’ The prince says, holding a gold chain that connected to Blitzø’s neck.

‘You are never too much trouble for me, Blitzy.’ He promised.

What the fuck does that mean? He tried not to think too much about it, tried his best to just forget about it, forget about Stolas on any night they were together…

And sometimes even when they were together…

But the words haunted him…

It got dark and suddenly Stolas disappeared.

‘Blitzø?’

Blitzø looks around for Stolas, but he can’t find him…

‘Despite everything that's happened, I…I enjoyed spending time with you.’ He heard in the distance.

“Why?” He asks.

‘Are you afraid to love people Blitzy?’

“Yes…Maybe.” He answers. “I don’t know!”

‘Does it hurt to?’ The prince’s voice asks.

“I-“ He didn’t want to answer that.

‘Why can’t you love, Blitzy?’

He couldn’t love someone! Anyone! Everyone who he has loved has failed him. Left him….

Or did he always leave them?

He was in too deep, he was trusting Stolas, he even wonders if maybe he cares about the prince…

The realization was scary.

‘There are scarier things…aren’t there, son?’ His father’s voice echoed.

He can’t make it with Stolas… he had to end this!

‘But, ya don't wanna do things alone, Blitzo!’ Another voice said.

‘You’re gonna die alone, Blitzo!’

‘You’re gonna die alone!’

He can be alone! That’s fine!

‘You tried the solo act, it didn't work out so well!’ Faux Fizzarolli says.

He’s right… The only thing scarier than loving someone was being alone forever, but that’s what family was for!

‘I didn’t need you then asshole! I don’t now!’ Loona says- why was she here?

‘We are not a family! You are the boss, we are the employees!’ Moxxie’s voice shouts.

‘You ruined my fucking life!’ He suddenly hears Barb say…

And she’s right.

He ruins everyone’s lives.

Maybe he was the one who needed them..

‘Yet you still shove away anyone who gets too close until they resent you for being a selfish, shitty, shit fuck!’

No!

Suddenly Blitzø was on the kitchen floor, phone in hand….

‘Hello?’

‘Verosika?’ He asks.

‘What the fuck do you want, asshole?’ She asks.

A tear ran Blitzø’s face as he looks down at the body in his arms. ‘It’s…nothing.’ He hangs up.

‘I’m so sorry…’ he whispered to her while she laid unconscious in his arms. ‘You can’t leave me too, I’m sorry you can’t. Please don’t leave me.’

He did what he felt he had to, and in doing so destroyed everything.

Who’s to say he won’t do that to Stolas?!

‘You can’t hurt me, Blitzy.’

Really? He can’t? Why did that seem so unbelievable?

‘You will never be too much for me, do you understand, dear?’ The owl was suddenly in front of him once again, light starting to surround him. The body in his arms was replaced by the gold chain, which transformed into a pair of handcuffs that locked him and Stolas’s wrists together.

They look down at their hands, then each other…

Then suddenly…

‘Please don’t cry, Starlight.’ A material voice says to him.

He jumps, and wakes up yet again in Stolas’s room…

Blitzø was relived it was over… he gives himself a few moments to get over that before he looks over the sleeping prince carefully.

Yeah…he’s safe. For now at least.

If Blitzø really meant nothing to Stolas…why would he work so hard for only a fraction of intimacy he could get for far cheaper in pride or lust?

And if Stolas meant nothing to him, why did he think about him all the time?

Blitzø was hesitant, but he snuggles up close to Stolas, allowing himself that intimacy he craved…

He can think over the other shit some other time.

But, maybe Stolas was right, maybe it was cruel to push away the one person that provided him some comfort.

Notes:

Please leave a comment if you like this story and want more. ❤️ I’m a little worried how this chapter turned out. I hope it’s okay. 😅 We’re staring to get both Fizz and Blitzø chapters which means their interaction is soon! Happy pride month btw!

#itty bitty imps #helluva boss age regression #age regression fanfic #helluva boss agere #little!blitzo #little!fizzarolli #CG!Stolas #CG!Ozzie #helluva boss fanfiction #blitzo helluva boss

[edoro]

Luz for character bingo! c:

okay, there just weren't really many spaces that adequately explain my feelings about Luz, so.

i love her. she is an absolute delight and probably my favorite cartoon protagonist of all time. i find her intensely, painfully relatable, and therefore also an absolute joy to write - getting into her headspace is so easy for me. if you spliced Luz and Hunter into one incredibly fucked up person, that person would have been me as a teenager.

okay, so, Luz. gosh. she's such a good character. i love how idealistic and hopeful and caring she is, how sweet and kind and compassionate, and yet how she also clearly has her own issues - deeply buried grief over the loss of her father (boy did the nail the "my dad is dead and it's kind of a big deal but i'm saying it's not because i really don't want to have to deal with someone else's feelings about it right now" feeling in that episode where she tells Amity about that), her own loneliness and awkwardness, the way she tends to just internalize everything and push away her own feelings and needs...

she's so awkward and clumsy in so many ways, but also so earnest. she cares so much about people and even though she's often very impulsive and intense, she's also pretty socially adept in some ways. she's good at figuring out how other people are feeling and what they need and trying to offer that.

i see Luz as the kind of undx'd/untreated (seriously, Camila, don't send the kid to social skills camp, send her to a fucking psychiatrist and get her some damn ritalin) adhd kid who's always just been... too much. too loud, too weird, too intense, too emotional, too invested in the wrong things in the wrong ways. the kind of person who has a switch where everyone else seems to have a dial.

i can imagine her as a younger kid having more trouble controlling her emotions than she does now, and being a lot more prone to impulsive displays of negative emotion - i notice that Luz tries really hard to put a positive face on things, and it feels a lot like someone who's very wary of her own capacity for anger and negativity.

she's clearly so isolated at home, without any real friends, and has just retreated hard into self-directed fantasy hobbies as a way of coping. but give her the chance to bond, and she jumps for it - she's not aloof, she's just been hurt and rejected so many times, but when she has the chance for a fresh start, she grabs it with both hands.

she tries so hard to see the good in everyone and give them the benefit of the doubt, which is helpful for people like Amity and Hunter, but comes back to bite her with people like Philip. i really enjoy how, idk, cohesive her whole personality is as a character - all of her good traits can be flaws, and many of her flaws can also be good!

she shows compassion to everyone, but some people don't deserve her compassion, and being too trusting gets her hurt. she's intense and impulsive, but it makes her very good at learning and teaching herself things, and means she doesn't overthink situations the way people like, say, Lilith do, and she's not afraid to do what she thinks is right.

she cares so much about other people, but she uses that as a way of suppressing her own issues. she neglects herself emotionally, bottling everything up inside and trying to project onto others and solve their problems as a sort of proxy for solving her own. very 'unaddressed trauma' type of feeling there, trying to give everyone else the care and compassion and support that she needs but doesn't know how to ask for or feels like she doesn't deserve.

i just love her a lot. she's so vibrant and real. as for 'better as part of a dynamic' - i think Luz is completely fascinating on her own, but she really shines when you get to play her off of other people. after all, isolation was her whole problem in the human realm. give her friends, enemies, foils, and watch what she does! the way she relates to and interacts with all the members of the cast is just endlessly fascinating.

i'm especially interested in playing her off of Hunter and Philip, because they're my faves, and the parallels and mirroring there are just delicious. but she has great interactions with everybody. she's a good kid and a good character.

#luz noceda #the owl house #asks

[whentherewerebicycles]

crashed around 10:30 last night / woke up at 5:30 still feeling pretty wrung out. but I honestly think it’s just the intense comedown from *gestures vaguely* everything—lots of emotional ups and downs this spring plus extensive travel and trying to engineer a baby or whatever. I think having the signed offer will make me feel a lot better, as I’ll be able to switch fully into excited looking-ahead mode. but oh man… I am so excited. I am sure that, like all jobs, this job has its own issues and frustrations that will reveal themselves in time, but mostly I just feel this immense, immense wave of relief about getting to do values-aligned work that uses my knowledge/creativity/skills. I’m also nervous but excited about moving into a real leadership position for the first time. my bleh current job felt like such a massive step back in terms of responsibilities and agency—largely because of my lead’s micromanagement and refusal to trust me with anything, but also just because I think the role was much more junior than I realized going into it. ahhhhhh I’m just SO EXCITED to get to work with smart people who care about learning on cool projects that help students. I’m even excited to figure out who the difficult eccentric academic personalities are ahaha. god and I hope I make friends!!!!! work friends!!!!! I got really good vibes from the two women I’ll be working with most closely and I am also excited to work with the two profs who were on the committee, who seem to have one of the most delightful odd couple friendships I’ve ever seen. just!!!! ahhh!!!!!!!!! and I’m gonna be people’s BOSS for the first time so that is going to be a whole new fascinating skillset to learn!!!!!! ok I’m rapidly talking myself out of my post-stress haze and into giddy excitement ahaha so I think maybe today I’ll spend some time journaling about the future to gently help ease myself out of the “work is pointless misery” mindset and into the kind of headspace I have been longing to get back to (work is a joy! work is hard but gives me purpose and meaning!!). whooHOOO let’s GO!!!!!!!!!!!

#today should be pretty chill #i have meetings 9:30-10 and then 11-12 #but other than that I’m just doing light project work and don’t have anything pressing #plus I’ve now achieved the greatest victory of all: I don’t have to get certified as a Gallup strengths coach #a MORAL VICTORY tbh #i think I’ll get up and shower soon-ish #then might spend the day making myself a fun little spring/summer syllabus #i want to read a lot more about research training & mentorship in STEM fields #and I want to start a document of project ideas based on the visit + my readings #and I also want to re-start reading Alison green’s managing to change the world or whatever it’s called

[zimithrus1]

Oooh, please, for the character ask game, could I have questions 2, 5, 6, 18 and 21 about Barnaby? 💗

Character ask list 🌟

Barnaby, Bunny, the grumpy grump with a heart of gold 💛 My responses are kind of lengthy, so I'll put them under a read more.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character: His devotion. Right off the bat we're shown how incredibly devoted he is to his goals and ideals and the people he cares about. How determined he is to figure things out, seek out the truth and find justice and closure for his past. He starts off prickly, walls up, cocky and full of himself, but later on down the line we learn just how kind and caring he really is, how he hides that behind this wall he's built around himself. No matter what, even if his resolve shakes, he still has that drive, that devotion, to keep going, seeking, being and doing better. It's awesome. A+++ character dynamic 🥇

5. First song that comes to mind when you think about them: I literally cannot think of a better one than No Farewell, by, Barnaby himself (Technically his Japanese VA Masakazu Morita, but you know 🎧)

18. Relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire: Call me basic here, but Kotetsu, all the way lol 🐯 But for more than just the obviousness of their closeness, it's more than that for me. Initially, we see Barnaby as this flippant, cocky young man who seems suave, put-together and sure (As mentioned above lol) but slowly, he learns to trust Kotetsu, trust his partner. He confides in him more, he breaks down and cries in front of him (more than once!!) and through that trust, a real connection forms between them. A connection that even though is rocky and turbulent, is still so strong. They truly have each other's backs and literally, come hell or high water, will do anything to protect the other. And just, I really relate to Barnaby in terms of struggling to trust, to let your walls down and show people just how vulnerable you really are. That takes so much courage and strength, and I find that so admirable. I hope one day I can trust and be vulnerable like that too. 💚

21. If you're a fic writer, what's your favorite thing to do when writing for them? What's your least favorite? Springing off the above here, I really like writing Barnaby's vulnerability. I love shedding down those walls of his character and getting nitty and gritty with his complex way of feeling. To have this wall around them, to crumble it bit by bit until all that's left is that raw softness like, hyenas hunting an antelope. Brutal, but nourishing in its own way. 🥩 Least favorite though? Getting in the right headspace to write the above!! It takes a lot of mental work to get deep into the minds of how I think this character would react to certain situations or events, without blending too much of myself into it, and without making any response seem OOC. The heavier the emotions the harder it is to write. That's why it took me nearly a month to write my latest T&B fic. It had very heavy themes and trying to write that realistic, while in character, while also adding my own touch and flair, it was draining! lol 😅 But all in all, it's still fun to do in the end 💗

Thank you so much for the ask!! It was a lot of fun thinking about and writing all of this down! 💚💚

#zimianswerz #ask game #character ask game #thank you again! It was fun! And also thank you for the wonderful array of questions!! #barnaby brooks jr

[placeholderparagon]

Things That Make Me Doubt Being A System

1. Having Really Good Communication

I haven’t actually ever heard of a system like us in this respect, when we were little we were incredibly empathetic and between all of the christian teachings of ‘Put others first’ and ‘Treat others like you wan’t to be treated’ and in particular Horton Hears A Whos’ ‘a persons a person no matter how small’ we (knowingly or not) became very good at communication and sharing the body. 

We talked to each other all the time and it was not very often (infact literally I only know one(1) alter whose ever fronted fully alone) that we had less that 2-3 of us near the front when we were younger because we relied on each other and trusted each other more than we trusted ourselves. we wanted people to be nice to us all the time so we tried very hard to be nice to people all the time especially each other. This led to alot of trust and respect and very good open communication (though it did break down almost entirely once we found out we were a system and were working on actively achieving what we used to have without trying)

2. Being Good At ‘Co-Fronting’

I hate this one in particular because I’ve seen so many “Signs They’re Faking The Disorder” with this being on of the main ones. 

We managed to get it to an art of fronting, having up to 20 of us aware of what was going on at once, all giving advice and emotional support. we would have at least one soother, one booster (our name for alters who raise the vibe and give high energy) alters who didn't feel, alters who did feel and would be restrained while feeling for the body so we didn't create an outburst or shutdown entirely by neglecting our feelings. Alters who were aware of every surrounding factor physically, alters who would have lists for everything going on in our friends lives so we wouldn’t overstep any boundaries or be ignorant to their feelings, alters who were  incredibly book smart, and alters who were just there to have fun with the rest of us while we were working destress us so we didn’t have to clock out of the front sooner than we could. 

It took years to perfect it and once we did pretty much everything in life became so much easier, some of us consider this ‘functioning-multiplicity’ though in many ways it was very unhealthy it saved so much pain for us, and at the very least, aside from the horrendous anxiety and depression, it made fronting fun. It became something we looked forward too because it was a way to hang out, it made life less scary to be scared with a friend. Even those of us who were unaware of being a system knew to an extent, even if we didn’t know what we were aware of. It also helped our memory having so many alters around to remember and cover each others blank spots.

3. We Can’t Unmask (or a lot of us at least)

(Hi I switched in cuz we got a little dissociated, idk who i am but i know im not whoever was writing before lol) 

Because of how good many of us are at fronting with others, not only do we now find it near impossible to front alone, we have no clue who we are outside of the headspace,,, like ever. In order to fight the disassociation of having so many of us in the front at once we, instead of fighting it, leaned into it. 

We became comfortable with becoming the hazy, mushy, blur that is uncertainty of being in the front. Not knowing where you end or someone else begins or if you even are who you thought you were. Not knowing where you are but having a vague feeling that some part of you does know and trusting it, leaning into the unknown into the mess into the whatever the fuck it is and finding it safe. 

Now when I’m in the front I’m so terrified of being seen that I lean into whoever’s around me to find the comfort of not knowing, I can’t be hurt if I don’t know what hurts or what there is to attack. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I’m like in the body unmasked and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know. 

Losing yourself and wrapping yourself in someone else is so much better that being alone and vulnerable

I have a feeling were going to be adding more onto this when others come out and rock up with their own insecurities but for the 2 of us who did write this is probably the biggest things for us

#faking #fake did #did #actually dissociative #dissociative system #im posting this to make myself feel more confident about the fact that i still kinda dont really believe it #were definately faking #idk how #but we are #i need to stop comparing us #throwback to that time i was 5 in class #and my teacher started YELLING #at some poor system in my class #that you cant have voices in you head #and insisted that they cheated becaus ethey couldntve had a voic in their head telling them the right answer #and i asked the voices in my head if they were voices #and they panicked #and said... nooo #were just your brain #yeah thats right #just your brain telling you what to do #everyones brain is like that #and i said aaahh yes of course that makes perfect sense #thanks brain #and they said ur welcom :) #system #did system #i still reckon im making it up tho

[crimeronan]

question abt the soulmate verse! adam’s fear of not being able to experience the depth of emotion others experience in their relationships due to his lack of marks really resonates with me. was it an arc that you thought was concluded pre-soulmate verse when they were teenagers and first fell in love or does it take him the decade that he and ronan and gansey and blue are together to figure it out? asking for uhhh not reasons related to my own fears at all purely about adam parrish

oh this is a good question!!

his fears throughout the soulmate verse story tend to center more on worrying that other people can't feel for HIM as much as he does for them; he's at a point where he's definitely aware that he Has Feelings For/About People. at the same time. That Said, though, adam in both the canon books and in this verse is Constantly relearning the same lessons. he'll learn something new, convince himself he's internalized it, convince himself he can't spend any more time thinking about it now that he's Fixed It, and then only realizing that he's still extremely upset n neurotic months-to-years down the line

adam is CERTAINLY still afraid that ronan has a better relationship with his soulmates than he ever will with adam, he's afraid of the same with gansey and blue and noah too. there's this underlying conviction that he always needs to be working to establish his place within the polycule bc he's not "supposed" to be there at all, which Unbelievably alarms gansey and later ronan

adam in that verse also Doesn't experience feelings/attachments in quite the same way as the average person, not just on a soulmate level but also on a basic social level. i wrote him with low empathy on purpose bc it matters to me that people who don't feel what they're "supposed" to feel also have a chance to thrive in their relationships & lives. it also mattered to me to take this coldness that could so easily be destructive (see: the "i wish you'd died" scene), and to turn it into something constructive and positive (see: the way hennessy begins trusting adam long before she trusts ANYONE else).

so essentially adam is constantly questioning himself and his headspace is a mess of contradictions. do they love me / should they love me / can i love them / do i love them / do i feel what they do / do they feel what i do / can i feel what they do / is this real / is this fake / am i playacting a soulmate relationship / am i maintaining healthy boundaries in my non-soulmate relationship / why are they made for each other / am i not good enough to feel anything / am i too good to feel anything

the true conclusion, which is that adam loves people the way adam loves people, & that that's always going to be different from the way ronan loves people, & that THAT's always going to be different from the way gansey/blue/noah love people bc they're all different, & that adam can still have exactly what he wants even if he doesn't have soulmate marks... that's something that he definitely doesn't work out til the end of the story.

#replies #soulmate verse #soulmate verse meta #shitty idiot deflection gang #cdth

[crackinglamb]

I'm late for Dragon Age Day (I'm sick, so I haven't been around), but in honor of it, here's some shameless self-promotion of the OC's of What a Wicked Game to Play.

Imogen McLean

Without her, there would be no fic. MGIT, lover and agent of Fen'Harel, reluctant badass. A physicist from Earth, transported via an experimental accident and in full possession of all the spoilers from the games, Imogen knows what she needs to do, but is Extremely Tired of doing it. She hates being a killer. She is disdainful of the Chantry as a cult and singular influence of the current political landscape. She does NOT like Orlesians. Armed with her foreknowledge, her smartphone and her determination to get a better ending, she's chugging along breaking canon all over the place and saving as many people as she can. Yes, including that damned Dread Wolf.

Eliana Hawke

The years have not been kind to the Champion of Kirkwall. She enters WG as a bitter, exhausted, terrified woman who is still grieving over Anders and everything that happened in Kirkwall. She copes with functional alcoholism. Imogen can relate. Their friendship helps smooth her edges, gets both of them in a healthier headspace and gives her the impetus she needs to finally go after what she always wanted: Varric.

Terisin Mahariel

The Hero of Ferelden didn't want to be here. He had his own agenda he was working on that was abruptly waylaid by a higher power. His secrets have secrets, and what he's going to do about them is still unknown. Still, he got to reunite with his son Kieran and repair his relationship with Morrigan after years of estrangement. He is a stoic, intense survivor of all Thedas has thrown at him. He would like some peace and quiet, thanks very much.

(He also became something of a thirst trap for my readers. Smol and mighty, he is my offering to the buff elf agenda.)

Dogmeat (Aju'ithanun)

A wolf inhabited by a spirit of Determination, now evolved into Hope. Aju'ithanun means to act with purpose, resolution and/or determination (crafted by me using Project Elvhen, yes I'm aware of the Problems). In day to day, he answers to Dogmeat, since in Cole's words: "To you it means devotion, trust and companionship. Franchise doesn't matter". He was a 'gift' from Wisdom, so that Imogen would have more help than just Pride at her side. He's very doggy, but he's also a stalwart companion and gives Imogen strength she didn't know she had. A Thedosian emotional support animal, if you will.

Honorable mentions:

Guardsman Meuric - a Fereldan born commoner who joined the Inquisition in Redcliffe. Serves as Imogen's door guard and often has the best gossip. He was supposed to be a one-off kind of character, but he's grown on me, and ended up having several appearances, including one during WEWH.

Amund Sky-Watcher - yeah, I know, he's a canon character. But I took what little we see of him in-game and expanded it exponentially. He has become a mentor and support to Imogen, and a love interest to Cassandra. He gave me a reason to bring Avvar lore into the fic early and was half the reason Imogen went to the Frostback Basin when she did.

Inassan of Clan Soran - a member of Hawen's clan. She went with Taven to the Emerald Knight's Tomb. Technically she's a canon character too (she's the one who tells you to keep your distance, or better yet, leave). She is a prickly woman, justifiably distrustful of shemlen, but a proud, adept warrior who is ultimately impressed with Imogen and her open-mindedness. They aren't friends, per se, but they are certainly not enemies. In writing her, I also gave the clan a name since one isn't mentioned in-game. Inassan uses a longbow in the fic, and gave me the headcannon that each clan has a specialty. Since the Dalish clans take their names from the Emeralds Knights, and Soran was an archer, it seemed fitting.

Malika 'Licker' Cadash - Varric's niece and heir. And daughter of Vera Cadash, who had been sent to the Conclave and died there. Mostly she serves as a bit of reality driving for Imogen, who makes the connection that if she had not interrupted Corypheus' ritual, someone else would have become Herald of Andraste. Making Malika Bartrand's illegitimate daughter, and thus Varric's only remaining blood relative, was just too fun to pass up. She shows up from time to time. Imogen does eventually get the story on the origin of 'Licker'.

Wisdom - anyone who's read the fic knows how much canon got yeeted here. She is equal parts maternal figure, mentor, friend and meddling in-law. Solas may be her closest friend, but Imogen is her beloved da'len, in all connotations of the word. Nothing more really needs to be said, I think.

#dragon age day #my oc's #what a wicked game to play

[alcoholgoddess7]

Letting go;

I’m releasing my mind and my body;

To the girl who would depend on alcohol to guide her hand through the days. It is purely for fun and sociable activities. It should be enjoyed, not abused. I no longer shall feel the need to hide myself in the blackness of the bottom of the bottle. Even if I do slip into that headspace that is okay. I just need to push forward towards the next day. Take it day by day. Recovering takes time.

To the girl who would cry her make up off because of Kai’s actions or rumours I let her go. She did not need to hide herself or her emotions to please him. She did not have to feel like she was a burden or annoying him. She did not have to feel second best or fight for his approval or attention. He is his own person and is in control of his own actions. However those actions will have consequences which he will learn.

IT IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY TO HIDE HOW SHE FEELS OR GUILT HERSELF INVOLVING KAI. SHE WILL NOT SETTLE TO PLEASE HIM IF SHE IS UNCOMFORTABLE OR UPSET. HER FEELINGS ARE VALID!

YOU. ARE. VALID.

To the girl who slips into self harm I let her go. I have ways and techniques to help myself out of the dark patches. And yes, relapse is possible. But I will not be ashamed. As long as I make it to the next day I am better than I was the day before.

To the girl who was ashamed of her scars. She shouldn’t have been. It was not her fault she thought the only way to calm her head was to hurt herself. She was young and confused and there is nothing wrong with her. Her scars are not to be something to be ashamed of. They should be a reminder that all things heal with time no matter how bad they get. That she has long to go but will get there with time.

To the girl who would follow destruction. She no longer needs to feel that everyone is out to get her. She does not need to seek self destructive behaviors to prove to herself that the world is awful and everything sucks.

To the girl who was scared of showing herself and dressing in certain ways. Her body is beautiful, scars, hair, body shape and all. She was given one body, and one body to live with. Her body should be loved, and treated with respect. People will look, people will judge, but as long as she’s happy and confident who cares?

To the girl who sought out male validation. She no longer needs anyones validation but her own. She will be stronger with her own and better for it.

To the girl who was scared of speaking her mind. She is valid to have an opinion, even if it upsets others. She is her own person and is allowed to.

To the girl who suffers from BPD. it is not a curse. Yes it may not be cured and may be difficult to deal with at times, it is not something she should fear. She should know her warning signs and trust her gut when she feels an episode coming on. She should reach out for help, tell her friends not sit in and suffer.

To the girl who suffers from bipolar ||. It is not a curse. It is just a genetic disorder passed down from your grandmother. Yes it is difficult for her. But she has medications. She has ways to help through the dark days. It does not mean she is broken. It does not mean she is unworthy of love and friends. Communication is key.

I release her.

She will always be a part of me but the parts she occupies is holding me back from me reaching my most authentic and happiest self. Her negativity and out look on life does not serve me anymore.

I am ready to let go of all she held, all the anger and sadness I leave with her.

She taught me well, even though the days felt many and dark, she has taught me everything I need now. How I need to speak my mind, talk if something doesn’t sit right with me, ask for help, talk things through, not jump to rags decisions. She has taught me what I the negatives are, so now I am able to see the positives and avoid the heartbreak, sadness and anger.

I am ready to move forward. Ups and downs, I will take it all. I will look at things differently, look for the positives in bad situations. Speak my mind, do things I enjoy. I will not accommodate for everyone if it does not suit me. I have a mind and body and I know what Is best for me. Not anyone else.

SO IT SHALL BE!

A new day has come and even after a bad one, there is always another one to try again with :)

[biisexualemma]

boys ain't shit. oscar diaz

word count: 2.2k

warnings: swearing, lots of just angst and angry feminist energy and if this doesn't align with your beliefs, feel free to leave!

requested: 'Hey!! First I want to say that you are an amazing writer so talented! So I was wondering if I could request and imagine with spookyxreader and she overhears Oscar speaking about her or something like maybe she is to clingy or anything you think will fit and then she sort of starts to leave him alone does t opposite of what she heard he doesn't like drifts a little he sees the change questions her and she tells him why- and so angst to fluff If you hate please disregard And thanks anyway ❤️'

a/n: thank you for this lovely request, i only apologise that it took me so long to write! but i'm also glad it did because i kept re-writing this over and over again and it never came out right, but i really love this version! i changed it slightly from the request lol i was listening to 'your power' by billie eilish on a loop while writing this and a lot of anger and preaching came out-- oop-- but also not mad about it. i really like this and hope you do too! enjoy 🤍

on my block masterlist / main masterlist

anger bubbled in your chest but your cheeks were flushed pink with embarrassment. your stomach lurched, a mixture of emotions swirling through you. you were angry at him for being such an asshole, but mostly you were embarrassed that you'd found yourself in this position and hurt that he would think to treat you like this. he was an asshole, he always had been, you knew it before you started dating but, somehow, he still managed to worm his way in. mainly because when you were alone he was careful, and sweet, and kind. he cared about you, he told you any chance he got, and you believed him. you were always convinced he meant everything he said, which is why this stung all the more.

"nah, it ain't even like that— she's everywhere man, how you s'posed to shake a hyna like that?" their laughter rang through your ears as you stood, feet frozen in place, out of sight to them. "shit's ridiculous. she's always on top of me."

"man— if i had a hyna that fine on top o' me all the time—"

"the things i'd do—"

you shook your head, blocking out their vulgar comments and trying to rid of oscar's shrewd laughter filling your ears. you were sick to your stomach hearing him talk about you like that, to hear him encouraging his friends crude jokes about you.

you couldn't stop yourself as the small scoff left your lips, catching one of the boys' attention. sad eyes, his smile faltering when he spotted you tucked around the side of the house, listening to every word. "shit," you heard him mumble, nudging oscar whose back was facing you.

oscar always had a thing about keeping up his reputation, which you understood, to some extent, but this had nothing to do with that. this was his friends, talking about you as if you were an object to satisfy their needs. and he was encouraging them. this was you they were talking about, when he claimed to love you.

this wasn't a side to oscar you ever wanted to see, or believe existed. you knew how his friends could be, but to hear him condoning the shit coming out of his friends mouths, made you feel unbelievably uncomfortable.

not to even mention that he was being downright mean, and sleazy in talking about you. you could feel your anger growing the longer you stood there. oscar glanced over his shoulder, his face falling when his eyes met yours. your hands clenched into fists, biting down on the inside of your cheek.

you shook your head, finally knocked out of your state of shock, turning and stomping away from the group of santos. your breathing grew heavier, sweat dripping off you as the sweltering heat started to get to you. you were so angry you could cry. you trusted oscar with everything, it took you a long time to get to that point, and this is how he treated you.

you could hear his muffled calls from behind you getting louder as you continued to march away from the house. you yanked your wrist away when you felt his hand latch onto you, and carried on your walk home.

he sped up, jogging so he stopped dead in front of you, holding out his hands when you tried to manoeuvre around him. "i don't wanna talk to you right now," you spoke calmly, trying again to move past him, his hands latching onto your shoulders to keep you still.

"just— hang on will you—"

you shook your head repeatedly. "no—"

"i don't know what you heard but—" his grip tightened when you tried to wriggle free.

"no," you repeated harsher.

"y/n— c'mon— that was nothing—"

"oscar," you raised your voice, cutting off his ramblings. his eyes never left your face, his eyebrows unknitting when your frown deepened. he scrunched his eyes shut for a second, frustrated he'd upset you. he was annoyed with himself for being so stupid. "no," you repeated once more. his hands slowly released their grip on you, letting you walk passed him. you heard his curse under his breath, walking away from him.

you felt your lip quiver, a lump now growing in your throat as your anger turned into heartache. you weren't sure you wanted to forgive him. but, for now at least, you were going to give him exactly what he wanted. space.

-

hours later and you were stood in the middle of a crowded party, your teeth clenched around the rim of a red solo cup, biting nervously. you hadn't wanted to come, you would much rather have been at home with a pint of ice cream. but your friend convinced you that getting out of the house tonight would be better for you than wasting away your life thinking about boys and eating ice cream. so far, you weren't so sure she was right.

you'd lost count the amount of times you'd heard loosen up and, you should smile more, thrown at you tonight. you weren't in the right headspace to be surrounded by people who were drunk out of their mind, constantly telling you to cheer up. you wanted to shout out to the entire party, fuck off, so everyone would know to just leave you alone.

so when you spotted his familiar face across the room, having just entered the party, you almost lost it. "no," you muttered to yourself. "not happening," you shook your head. he had been exactly what you came here to get away from. you let out frustrated sigh, shoving your cup into your friends hand and pushing yourself out of the crowd of people.

you hoped to god that oscar hadn't spotted you. you could not hash this out with him right now, that pint of ice cream in your freezer at home was calling your name, and you were ready to claim it.

"fuck me," you felt a hand graze the small of your back. you shivered away from the unwanted touch, turning with a deep-set frown on your face, towards the stranger who'd touched you. "you're hot when you're angry like that—"

"i'm also a fucking psycho when i'm angry so back off," you spat harshly, pushing away the hand he held lingering on your skin. "and don't touch me again," the man backed up, his hands held up in front of him. you huffed, continuing to the exit.

you wrapped your arms around yourself as the cool night air hit your bare skin. you'd left your jacket inside, turning to retrieve it, you saw oscar walking right at you. deciding it wasn't worth the effort, you left, you'd rather freeze than have a conversation with him right now.

"i know you hate me," you heard him call from behind you, his pace quickening as he tried to catch up with you. "but you can't walk home by yourself."

you ignored him, hastening your walk so you didn't have to do this with him. you knew he was right, you knew how incautious you were being walking home late at night alone. but you also desperately wanted nothing to do with him right now.

"ma," you shook your head, trying not to lose it on him in the middle of the street. "c'mon—"

"no— you c'mon oscar," you halted your stride, not able to ignore him any longer. you might as well get it out of your system if he was going to keep persisting. "i have had it with men today. i never wanted to have to include you in that."

he ducked his head, a crease forming between his eyebrows you noticed now you'd stopped to look over him. his eyes rolled, letting out a heavy sigh he'd clearly been holding in for a while.

"c'mon," he tilted his gaze away from yours for a second, trying not to cave under your stare. "you know what the santos are like— it's not my job to keep 'em in check."

"it is when it's me they're talking about," you gritted your teeth, looking at him in disbelief. you'd expected that this was how the conversation was going to go down. which is exactly why you tried to avoid it, you simply didn't have the energy to stand here and explain basic human decency to him. "not to mention— it is literally your job. you run the santos."

"it's not that simple," he ran his hand over his face, taking a small step closer to you. his eyes meeting with yours, begging you not to run off again as he held out a cautious hand towards you. "they didn't mean anythin' by what they said— you think if they did i'd let them 'in an inch of you?"

"you're perpetuating a violent cycle of sexism and objectification by letting your friends talk about any girl like that," you felt your throat tighten, tears had, at some point, welled in your eyes. "and that's not even mentioning what you said about me."

he closed his eyes for a second, his hand dropping back to his side. he turned away from you for a moment, releasing a deep breath he'd been holding. "i didn't mean it," he shook his head, swinging round to face you again. his brown eyes, that you'd always been a sucker for, were literally boring into you. if you hadn't been so angry you would've done anything for him. "i wasn't thinking and i never thought you'd ever hear—"

"that makes it ok then?" you frowned, eyes narrowing at him. "god knows what else you've said about me when i haven't been around to hear it," you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest, trying to keep up your appearance despite the tears threatening to fall.

"s'not what i meant," he threw is arms up in frustration. he had, in all honesty, been talking without thinking about what he was saying. he was tired and stressed about how stretched out his time was at the moment. he was taking on more and more work, and therefore, more and more stress and he wasn't dealing with it well. he clenched his jaw when you sniffled, wiping under your nose with the back of your hand. his eyelids drooped. "nena.."

"i just, don't get it," you let out a shaky breath, holding out your hands to stop him moving any closer to you. "if i was being too much, all you had to do was say."

his chest tightened hearing you talk about yourself like that. he shook his head, trying again to reach out to you but you only stepped further away. "you're not too much," he spoke quieter this time. oscar loved you, more than he'd ever loved a girl before, that much was true. he might be bad at showing it sometimes, maybe he let his frustration get the better of him a lot, and maybe he didn't simply tell you enough how much you meant to him. but he loved you, much more than you were aware of.

"then why would you say it?" your voice was soft, breaking when you spoke again. exhaustion was starting to get the better of the both of you. you didn't want to fight with him, you just couldn't get his words out of your head. why would he say it if he didn't mean it?

"it's not you," he reiterated, his lips pursed. he used his forefinger and thumb to unknit the crease between his brows. "it's everything else. with cesar fucking around, shit with the prophets, cuchillos— and then you," he ducked his head, pressing the palm of his hand into his forehead. "i don't know how to manage everything and make time for you."

"why didn't you just tell me?" your features softened, eyes watching him move under your stare. "it's what i'm here for."

he scrunched up his nose, shrugging. "i don't want you involved in santos business," you understood more than you did five minutes ago, but you were still holding yourself back.

"i'm already involved, oscar, it's too late for that," this caught his attention, his brown eyes focused on yours again. you weakened a little. "but if you would just talk to me instead of keeping everything to yourself, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation right now."

he nodded faintly, almost uncertain of where you were taking this conversation. last thing he wanted was to lose you because of something so stupid on his end. he reached out, you letting him come close enough now so he could take hold of your hands in his. he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, tugging you closer.

"you know, i love you," you mumbled now he was only inches away from you. "i don't wanna do this again so talk to me, please."

he nodded again, giving your hand another squeeze of reassurance. "i'll try," the way his brown eyes stuck to you made you believe he meant what he said. "i'll do better. promise. i'll keep the santos in check, too. you don't need to worry."

you sunk into his chest, letting him engulf you in a tight hug. you released a shaky breath of relief. his arms wrapped around you, your face squashed against his chest and your arms tightened around his torso. "love you, too, by the way," he mumbled, his mouth pressed into your head of hair. "so much."

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[just-a-little-cellist]

Levi Ackerman - NSFW Alphabet

A/N: i'm bored so i'm just writing these nsfw headcanons for all my comfort characters, don't judge me. feel free to request - i posted request rules so go check it out :)

enjoy! nsfw under the cut :P

A - Aftercare (what are they like after sex)

The first time you have sex, Levi needs a lot of comfort. He'd never been that vulnerable with someone before and it took a lot for him to open up like that, so aftercare for him is the priority. Once sex becomes more frequent and he gets used to everything, he's the one to clean you both up but he still needs more emotional reassurance than he'll admit.

B - Body part (fav body part of themselves/their partner)

He isn't a vain person, so he'd probably say his arms just because of how much you love them. He wasn't too fussed at first but because of all the attention you give them he's started growing fonder of them.

His favourite part of you is your neck and collarbones. He didn't even realize he had a thing for that until he met you, and whenever you wear chokers he can't take his eyes off you.

C - Cum (where do they prefer to cum?)

Levi prefers to cum on your stomach, purely because it makes it easier to clean up. (He's always very mindful of any mess.)

D - Dirty secret (self-explanatory)

It obviously couldn't happen because of his status, but it sends a shiver of arousal through him whenever he imagines you humiliating him in public. It's something he wants to try in private, though he's nervous to talk about it with you.

E - Experience (how experienced are they?)

Levi is a virgin, since he doesn't have sex with people he doesn't genuinely, 100% trust. You'll have to guide him through everything at the beginning, however he's a quick learner and picks it up pretty fast.

F - Favourite position (goes without saying)

He likes missionary a lot because it lets him feel close to you, and he'll melt if you wrap your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. He also gets shy sometimes, so this position is perfect to hide his face in your neck.

G - Goofy (are they goofy or serious in the moment?)

Other than the odd sarcastic comment, he's generally serious. If he's in a vulnerable position then joking around doesn't calm his nerves at all.

H - Hair (opinions on grooming etc.)

Levi keeps his own hair neatly trimmed. He'd prefer if you keep yours vaguely under control but, as long as it's clean, it's up to you how you keep it.

I - Intimacy (how intimate are they during sex?)

It takes him a while to fully open up to you, but sex becomes one of the most intimate moments you ever share with Levi where he truly breaks down all his walls for you, just the two of you.

J - Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't tend to masturbate unless he's really desperate. Something about it just makes him uncomfortable, but he also has urges sometimes when you aren't available.

K - Kinks (again, pretty self-explanatory)

When you first started sleeping together, Levi had more of the control because he thought that was the way it was 'supposed' to be. However once you brought up the idea of him being submissive, your dynamic shifted. He was extremely hesitant at the beginning because he wasn't used to being in such a powerless position, though as soon as you managed to get him into a submissive headspace it became a regular occurrence.

Levi is a sub at heart who needs a soft dom more than anything. Some of the kinks you've explored that he likes are bondage, light impact play, praise, orgasm denial and marking (as long as the marks are hidden during the day.)

He also definitely has a bit of a humiliation kink but he's still working up the courage to tell you.

L - Location (favourite place to do the deed)

His favourite place is a tie between the shower and his desk. Sometimes when he's had a long day and doesn't want a full scene, he likes to have sex in the shower (also it makes clean-up easier). Although if he feels like subbing, as long as the door is locked, one of his favourite things is for you to cockwarm him while he's trying to work.

M - Motivation (what gets them going)

Showing skin is a sure-fire way to get him riled up. I personally headcanon Levi as demisexual, so he doesn't care when other people show skin, but if it's you? All you have to do is leave a couple buttons undone, expose your chest a little, and he is done for. Also, slipping casual praise into conversations will sometimes start pushing him into a submissive headspace, especially if you've done a lot of scenes with him recently because he starts responding to that tone of voice.

N - No (something they'd never do)

He doesn't like intense pain play - he's had enough pain the rest of his life so he needs you to be gentle with him. He also wouldn't want a harsh or strict dom, preferring to have you take care of him instead.

O - Oral (preference in giving, receiving etc.)

He enjoys both equally. Before you'd had sex you wanted to ease him into the experience carefully, so you gave him his first blowjob and he almost sobbed from the stimulation. Buuuuuuut alongside that he would also happily spend hours between yours legs - the praise you give him as he pleasures you and the feeling of you clenching around his tongue is almost enough to make him finish without any physical touch.

P - Pace (are they fast, slow, quick, rough?)

If it's just against the wall in the shower then it tends to be a bit faster, and on the odd occasion Levi feels more dominant he can get rougher, but he is usually perfectly content to let you decide the pace entirely.

Q - Quickie (opinion on quickies)

They're good sometimes, especially when you're both very busy with other duties. They're good to relieve basic urges, but Levi would never choose them over a full scene.

R - Risk (how open are they to risk?)

Levi is open to a bit of experimentation, but never anything exhibitionist. He can't risk the possibility of someone catching him in a compromising position, considering his importance in the military, so he insists that you keep all bedroom activities private.

S - Stamina (how long can they go for?)

As expected, at the start Levi had pretty low stamina since it was all so new and overwhelming. It gotten a little better since then but he also has a fairly quick recovery time to make up for it.

T - Toys (opinion on using toys etc.)

He doesn't particularly enjoy using toys on you, but adores when you use toys on him.

U - Unfair (how much do they like to tease?)

He'll only tease you a little when he's in a dominant mood and you've been doing something to piss him off, but the rest of the time it's not something he does at all. (He kind of likes when you tease him though.)

V - Volume (are they loud or quiet?)

Levi is cautious to control his volume so that other people don't hear, but his whimpers of pleasure can get quite loud sometimes.

W - Wild card (random headcanon)

During a scene once, while he was deep into subspace, he accidently called you mommy. When he realized what he said he was mortified, and almost started dropping. You had to quickly assure him that it was perfectly alright, that you weren't upset with him, and that you don't mind it if he wants to keep calling you that. He only uses that name for you when he's really, really submissive, and it's adorable hearing the tiny whimpers of "P-please mommy..."

X - X-ray (what's going on... down there?)

So many people seem to think that this man has a monster cock. He is 5'3 there is no way. He's a little smaller than average, in length and girth, but that just means you can hear him whine when you take his whole length into your mouth.

Y - Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is low most of the time. He has so many other things he has to focus on everyday, so sex doesn't cross his mind that much. Sex is more of a stress relief that he doesn't think too much about until it happens.

Z - Zzzzz... (how quickly do they fall asleep after?)

Being an insomniac, Levi takes a while to settle down to sleep, although it's always a little easier when he's comfortably next to you. (definitely the little spoon)

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