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demenior · 3 years

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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venhedish · 3 years

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On the importance of platonic love: fanon romance vs. canon relationship dynamics in Supernatural.

Hey I’ve seen some posts going around about this little niggle, and I don’t want to say I’m exceptionally qualified to talk about it, but I have been an active participant (and celebrant) of relationship anarchy for most of my adult life and I also practice non-monogamy, though that’s far less relevant to what I’m gonna be talking about here.

This applies to all fandoms where people are shipped together and obviously have a connection but are never officially made canon, but since spn is my shit rn and a lot of this particular flavor of discourse seems to be centered around Sam and Dean’s relationship (which I’m also slightly maybe embarrassingly obsessed with?), I thought that’s what I’d focus on.

Basically what I want to say is that there’s nothing wrong with pairing characters together romantically in your fanfictions and headcanons (hello! im a big gay wincest/destiel/wincestiel multi-shipper, myself!), but arguing that Wincest (and Destiel to a lesser extent) went/was always canon really, really undermines the importance of non-romantic long-term relationship representation in popular media. I mean, seriously, how fucking cool is it that Sam and Dean are canonically soulmates and also brothers and also ride-or-die-best-friends? There isn’t much precedent in TV for the kind of complicated, blurred-lines dynamic that these dudes share, and minimizing it to they fuck or they’re just brothers really diminishes one of the best Right Things™ the show managed to accomplish. The same can be said for Dean and Castiel’s relationship, too.

I think we as fans can do a better job of celebrating non-romantic canon relationships while also still shipping them together in fanon spaces. There’s a problem our communities seem to face where we have a really hard time distinguishing where the line is between The Written Word and What My Heart Wants, and both of those things are totally good and valid! But—here’s the part that I see people struggle with—you can appreciate both at the same time. In my headcanon, Sam and Dean fuck because I have a deep desire for complicated, all-consuming romance and I want to turn any two characters with chemistry into a thing. But as it pertains to my real life and the brain I reserve for fandom meta and social-justicey-intersectionality-ish-issues of representation and breaking from hetero-normative standards, I want to see more varied and sundry takes on the non-traditional family unit, on what it means to be queer platonic with your brother, on loving and cherishing your angel best friend more than society typically considers acceptable but without having the expectation of more.

This is a lot. But I just want to celebrate that we got to watch a television show on thee CW network buck societal relationship norms for fifteen years!!! Despite its failings in like, every other area of representation, this one is a big win from me and it’s just really cool and good so thanks for listening. I love you. Bye.

#fandom wank #wincest #destiel #the epic love story of sam and dean #spn #fandom meta #supernatural #relationship anarchy #sorry im like this #wincestiel

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torturedpoetemotions · 3 years

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You know in retrospect I think I was unfair to seasons 9 and 10. I think seasons 6-8 were just a hard act to follow, because like...they were about Destiel, right? Like season 6 was about Cas being in love with Dean, season 7 was about Dean figuring out he was in love with Cas, season 8 was about them being in love with each other but like it was still something they couldn't really have.

And it's hard to understand that in the context of today's media landscape because we have so much more representation now than we did then, but this was 2013-2014. Most of the shows with canon representation that I watch now weren't even on the air yet. Pretty sure Sara Lance had just been killed off on Arrow. Callie and Arizona were going through it in a bad way on Grey's Anatomy. Fucking Glee was still the biggest game in town when it game to queer rep in American genre television, or American television in general.

We were used to living on scraps of subtext, is what I'm saying, and season 8 fed us like nothing else. Season 8 is where a massive shift from shipping it as subtext to wondering/believing it would become text (or already was text, just a slow burn) really took off in SPN fandom.

It's also worth mentioning that season 8 saw kind of an influx of new fans to the SPN fandom, in a similar way to how new fans flocked in after season 15 (and for similar reasons). It was actually the first season I watched live, after having binged seasons 1-7 the year before. I kept seeing it on tumblr from the same people who watched two or three other shows I loved, so I figured what the hell.

So like...season 8 is incredible, then season 9 comes around and looks like it's going to be good too. But then Dean sends Cas away, and about midseason we get two of the most painful character arcs for Dean and Cas separately in the show: Cas's struggles with Heaven, and Dean's taking on of the Mark of Cain.

(There was also, IMO, a general dip in the show's quality around this time. The MOTW episodes, which used to accomplish world building and flesh out character development, began to feel aimless and more like complete filler...but that's a whole other meta.)

Suddenly, the dynamic of the show shifted. Not just the show for the last several seasons. The show since the beginning. Because Dean had never been the plot character. Sam was the plot character, and Dean was the emotional touchpoint character. Sam did things, and we watched how Dean reacted. But now Dean was embroiled in this really dark, heavy plot that was bringing out all of his absolute worst traits. He became really hard to identify with or like for a while.

And Sam didn't have the benefit of being on a new show where viewers were more or less ready to withhold judgment and see what's what. He'd been the plot character for eight years, with very little internal development, and suddenly he was supposed to carry the entire weight of the audience's identification and sympathy while Dean and Cas moved the plot. Consequently, season 9 is when Sam's friendship with Cas really takes off and his character has a chance to develop more internality. We get to see him react and dwell the way we watched Dean react and dwell for 8 seasons. Which is a good thing!

But I think I was unprepared for it. I can admit I was mainly watching the show for Dean and Destiel at that point. And next to season 8, season 9 initially felt like a massive regression. It wasn't, of course. It was the season where Cas is actually coming to conscious terms with what has motivated all his wild decisions for the past oh, eight years (counting time gaps between seasons). It's the season that gave us "he's in love...with humanity" and "it was all to save one man, right?" But it felt at the time like the writers took a huge step back from Dean and Cas's relationship, compared to season 8.

That, combined with the sudden shift of emotional focus to Sam, made seasons 9 and 10 hard to get through. And I think because of that I didn't really give them a chance. Season 10 almost made me quit the show, and I've never rewatched either season. But now I'm wondering if I should.

#supernatural #s9 #s10 #mark of cain #demon!dean #dean winchester #destiel #my two least favorite arcs and yet #i'm considering rewatching them #lizawords

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orionsangel86 · 4 years

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Hey Everyone,

As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.

Long rambling post below the cut...

This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.

It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.

After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.

I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.

I hope she is doing fantastically today.

What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?

Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.

When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.

I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.

Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.

I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.

The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.

I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.

Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.

All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.

So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.

Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.

So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.

I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.

Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.

#personal #a goodbye message to fandom

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prince-of-elsinore · 3 years

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On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

#spn meta #weechesters #weechesters meta #sam and dean #dean winchester #sam winchester #winchester brothers #spn #spn critical #not like super critical. but it is a critique.#spn finale positive #my meta #musings #long post #wow like so much longer than the couple paragraphs i though i was gonna write oh well #responses welcome!#even if you disagree. just keep it civil

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caranfindel · 4 years

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Initial reaction 15.14: Last Holiday

Well, friends, here we go. Are you ready?

(I'm not. But here we go anyway.)

THEN: Cuthbert Sinclair. (Really? That's a deep cut.) Abbadon. Larry Ganem. (And S8 Sam, who is fucking gorgeous.) Oh, and God and Jack and all that stuff, in case you forgot.

NOW: Sam's in the library, doing research, and is distracted by some ominous noises. Ominous in a machinery-breaking-down kind of way, not in a monstery kind of way. Enter Dean, wearing an apron. "What's with the apron," asks Sam, "because it's only protecting your jeans, not the Red Shirt of Bad Decisions." At least that's how it sounded in my head. I mean, who only gets dirty from the waist down when they're cooking? (Well, that lends itself to all kinds of double entendres, doesn't it?) Or maybe Sam doesn't say that because he hopes the RSoBD will be destroyed in a tragic burger accident.

Seriously, Dean, that shirt is precious and you need to protect it, no matter what Sam thinks.

Dean complains that the pilot light keeps going out, and the hot water is unsatisfactory (and we know how he feels about his showers), and Sam reminds him that if the bunker was ever state-of-the-art, it was in the 50s. They exposition for us that Jack is hiding in his room. "Can you blame him?" Sam says. "His soul is back. Everything is hitting him. Everything he's done..." And Sam continues, but I'm sorry, I'm stuck here, thinking about re-souled Sam with everything hitting him. {sob} However, neither of the Winchesters seem to be thinking about this, so. Carry on.

The guys remind us that if Jack kills God, he'll have to kill Amara as well. Which I assume means Amara isn't going to get killed? Just saying. As much as I talk about foreshadowing (too much, please stop!) this show teases us with anti-foreshadowing with equal fervor. And Cas is apparently looking for Amara? What does he hope to accomplish? "Excuse me, but we're killing your brother, so you have to die too. Condolences. But if we follow canon - not that there's any reason to assume we will - you have to die at about the same time. So I need you to come with me while we figure out where he is and how to kill him."

There's another ominous noise, and Dean says "Oh, come on. Now the air?" I hope he means the air conditioning, and not the air purifying/exchange/whatever that Ketch shut off when he locked them in the bunker back in... whatever the BMoL season was. Hey, remember when the guys were locked in the bunker and they were running out of air and they wore single layers and goggles and got all sweaty and depressed? Because I've kind of never gotten over it. But I digress.

Sam is surprised that Dean expects them to fix it. "We've fought the devil," Dean says. "I've killed Hitler. I think we can handle a few old pipes." Surely this isn't the first time they've had to do some repairs around the place.

Deep within the bowels of the bunker, Sam reads some ancient instructions and complains that they can't just call a plumber. Dean refers to the bunker as the most "secretive, secure supernatural hideout in the world," which makes me laugh, because remember when Larry Ganem told Sam it was secure against all manner of evil? What a joke. Is there anything or anyone evil who hasn't been able to get into the bunker? My house is more secure against evil than the bunker, and all I have for protection is a circle of termite bait and a couple of ancient dogs.

They locate the "bunker grid control center thing thingy" (oh Sam, I adore you), complete with reset and standby buttons. Standby is glowing. Dean hypothesizes that it will work just like his computer, which needs to be shut down when it gets too many popups (I suspect you need some virus protection, dear boy), and slams down the reset button before Sam can stop him. Everything goes dark, but then starts up again, so Dean considers it a success. He calls himself "Meat Man" again and heads upstairs to finish cooking his burgers.

Time jump. Dean goes into his room, carrying a burger and a beer, and is astonished to find a middle-aged woman there. She's wearing a plaid wool skirt I owned in the 80s and is folding his underwear. "Oh, hello dear!" she says cheerfully. Dean yells for Sam.

Gosh, Dean, it's like this place isn't secretive or secure at all.

The horrified Shaggy and Scooby boxers are ~chef's kiss.~ Well done, someone.

Title card!

Library. The woman tuts at dust and wonders how they've lived in "this filth," which reminds me of an awesome Tumblr post which theorizes that faeries actually keep the bunker clean, and only first-born son Dean can see them. "Lady, who the hell are you," Dean demands, and is chastized for his language. He calls for Sam again, and gives him the story of how he walked into his room and found her "folding my underthings."

She explains that her actual name is indecipherable in "your tongue," but "Mr. Ganem called me _Mrs. Butters."_She's a wood nymph. And she's not in the woods, nymphing (thank you Dean) because she has more important things to do - she lives in the bunker and takes care of the Men of Letters. I.e., "my boys. My family."

Dean invites her to leave, but this is her home, and she's been here since "before the war." And she thinks it's 1958. "Well, I hate to tell you," Dean says, "but it's 2020." YES, DEAN, WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT 2020. Mrs. Butters is horrified to learn all her boys are dead. And for some reason Dean tells her they were murdered by a demon instead of saying old age, or they went to a farm upstate, or whatever. She spots a photo of the last group of MoL, which we've never noticed before, and realizes that this is why they never came back from that last ceremony. When they didn't return, she decided to put the bunker - and herself - in standby mode.

But she also realizes that if these boys are like those boys, it's been a while since they had a home-cooked meal or celebrated a holiday. Or washed their clothes, as she makes a face. That's uncalled for, lady. We all know that Sam Winchester smells like rosemary and mint no matter how long it's been since he did laundry. Sam explains that they're not really "holiday people," which rings true coming from the guy who didn't want to celebrate Christmas and hates Halloween. (And only had one real Thanksgiving in his life and his brother still holds that against him but NO I'M NOT BITTER.)

Dean is more interested in what "standby mode" is. Mrs. Butters says the MoL used her magic to give the bunker "extra oomph," and snaps her fingers. Voila, extra oomph! There's some humming noises, the telescope alcove lights up (!), and an alarm sounds. Because the map table is actually a monster radar, and it indicates a nest of vampires 50 miles away. And gives the address. WELL.

{Sidebar: Why didn't the BMoL know the AMoL had this capability? Why was their focus on "you're not as good as us" instead of "you used to be as good as us; what happened?" Discuss.}

Do I care? No. Because look at these precious perplexed faces.

Dean's ready to go (and it earns him another stern warning about his language), but Sam wonders if they can trust her. "Look at her," Dean says. And I agree. She's a dumpy middle aged woman in a brown plaid wool skirt. She's basically me. And who could be more trustworthy, more concerned with the Winchesters' health and safety, than me?

Um. Anyway.

Not to change the subject or anything, but the pretty is strong tonight, y'all.

Dean suggests they give her the benefit of the doubt, and if it turns out she's not what she says she is, "then we deal with it." The music turns ominous. "What about Jack?" Sam asks.

Oh, Jack is actually in this episode? I thought maybe they were explaining his absence earlier, like they always do with Cas. (Because I always cover the guest star credits on first watch. Spoilers.) But it turns out Jack is actually with us tonight. Sitting on his bed, looking depressed. Dean knocks on his door and tells him they're going out, and there's a "probably harmless" guest making snickerdoodles. This sparks Jack's interest. It would work on me, too. I love snickerdoodles.

Impala. Sam's not sure it's a good idea to keep Mrs. Butters around, even if she is legit. He's concerned about Jack, but Dean brushes him off.

He'll be fine. I mean, I've been through worse and look at me. I'm the picture of health.

Ignoring your trauma doesn't make you healthy.

Sure it does.

Oh, Sam. Just listen to yourself. No, I mean, please. Listen to yourself.

Sam feels like Jack is hiding something, and I wish there were someone around who had also done awful things while un-souled, and remembered what it felt like to deal with that afterward. Someone sympathetic and empathetic. With soft puppy dog eyes and beautiful hair. Oh well. I guess Jack will just have to go unburden himself onto whoever he comes across.

Bunker. Mrs. Butters brings Jack a sandwich. He doesn't open the door, but she leaves it for him.

Vampire nest. A couple of vampires are watching Dark Shadows (so meta!) and drinking blood stolen from a blood bank. So, are these, like, maybe not bad vampires? Maybe they don't kill people? We'll never know, because Sam and Dean walk in and cut off their heads. And come home to... Christmas. Lights are strung all over, jazzy Christmas music is playing, there's a huge decorated tree and gifts, and Mrs. Butters has a tray of homemade cookies. "We are so keeping her," Dean says. Sam looks unsure.

Kitchen. Mrs. Butters tells Sam that since he and Dean have been so busy killing monsters, they haven't had a chance to celebrate anything. But I can barely pay attention to a single word that comes out of the woman's mouth because LOOK AT SAM IN THIS T-SHIRT. LOOK AT IT.

Single-layer Sam is something to celebrate.

She insists that Sam "enjoy the world you're fighting for" (which is never gonna happen, lady) and excitedly talks about all the holidays she wants to make up for. Then Jack enters, and her mood changes instantly. Even Jack's adorable little dorky wave doesn't melt her. "What are you?" she asks coldly.

Enter Dean, wearing a real-life version of the purple "sleeping robe" and nightcap he wore in "Scoobynatural." OH MY GAWD. I really hope this was a surprise for the rest of the cast.

And I also hope he's not really going commando underneath... or do I?

Mrs. Butters is distracted enough to decide that if the boys vouch for Jack, he must be okay. She hands Jack a smoothie but tells Dean he must have tomato juice due to his cholesterol. And she pronounces it the Patrick Stewart way, not the Mark Hammil way.

Before Dean can drink his to-mah-toh juice, the monster radar alarm goes off, and the guys rush off to prepare for a hunt. For future reference, when you leave the kitchen, Sam's room is to the right and Dean's is to the left. We next see the guys fully dressed, receiving sack lunches from Mrs. Butters. Dean's sandwich has the crusts cut off. {Sidebar: Sam never had someone to cut the crusts off his sandwich. Hold me. And also, how many reminders am I going to have of "Dark Side of the Moon" tonight?} She tells Sam the monster is a lamia, the blessed knives are in the trunk, and she just waxed the car so Dean needs to take it easy.

As the guys rush off, she turns to Jack and his smoothie mustache. "Well. What shall we do with you?"

NOTHING GOOD, I'M SURE.

As Jack helps wash dishes, he fills her in. Lucifer was his father, Mary was his family and his friend but he killed her. Mrs. Butters is very supportive, telling him "life gives us second chances and it's our obligation to hold onto them." And she presents him with another smoothie.

Montage! Thanksgiving dinner. More hunts. More sack lunches. Halloween (and even Sam seems to enjoy it). Fourth of July. (Yet another "Dark Side of the Moon" shoutout). A hunt requiring the grenade launcher and Thor's hammer from that episode whose title I can't remember! Sam's birthday! By the way, none of these holiday celebrations include Cas.

Mmmm. So worthy.

Time jump. Jack catches Mrs. Butters looking at something in a file cabinet and being very sneaky about it. He requests another smoothie to get her out of the room, and then finds what she was looking at. It's her MoL file, including a reel of film. The film shows Cuthbert Sinclar talking about File 5150 (aw, RIP Eddie Van Halen). The subject was actually recovered from the Thule (aw, "Everybody Hates Hitler") and we learn that wood nymphs "react violently when home or family are threatened." Sinclair says he "conducted a series of experiments designed to show this strange and magical being of our mission" and convinced her to join the MoL family. Huh. Wonder how he did that. Then Mrs. Butters demonstrates her devotion by literally ripping the head off a Thule. "Son of a bitch," says Jack, because he's been spending a lot of time with Dean.

Jack runs into the war room looking for Sam (and yes, I'm petty enough to love that he looks to Sam first), who is off getting ready for a "big date." Huh. Okay. Mrs. Butters offers him soup, but then Sam walks in, giving off some pretty strong Hot Professor Sam vibes (hello again, "Everybody Hates Hitler") with a sweater vest and tie, and I am thrilled with this development.

Thrilled, I tell you.

Mrs. Butters tells him he looks wonderful but offers to trim his hair (back off, lady, I will cut you) and Dean enters in time to make a weak Abercrombie and Bitch joke. Sam tells him Eileen's in town, and he's taking her out to dinner and "some privacy, something."

"Heavy on the something," Dean says, and we're going to talk about that later, I promise. But for now, Mrs. Butters tells Sam to take one of the old cars from the garage. Finally. Can we just make this permanent? Can Sam have his own fucking car, please? She produces a bouquet of roses from nowhere and sends him on his adorably anxious way. Then she tells Dean she found a broken TV in one of the rooms and fixed it. "The Dean Cave?" Dean is off like a shot. I wonder if that's the TV he smashed with a hammer, and if so, how did she fix it? (Also, hello again, "Scoobynatural.")

Jack is still unsettled. He follows her into the dungeon and tells her he saw the film. {Sidebar: The film showed her killing one of their enemies because she's protective of the MoL. Is it really that awful? Discuss.} "And how did that make you feel?" she asks. "You relished his pain, didn't you, Jack?" Oh, turns out that was a setup - she wanted Jack to see the video, so she could confirm that he was a bloodthirsty little monster. And do the Winchesters know how powerful he has become?

They should be scared of you!

I would never hurt them.

You have before, haven't you? Have you ever thought that Sam and Dean keep you in here, closed in, secure, because they're scared you'll do to someone else what you did to their mother?

Well, I mean. Now he has. She flings Jack into the wall. He tries to use the glowy eyes on her, but he finds himself powerless. She snaps the magic handcuffs on him. "You didn't think those smoothies were for your health, did you? Oh, I've learned a few things while I was doing the dusting around here. A little yarrow root, some ground jawbone for texture, and voila! You are as weak as a puppy."

Wait. That's all it took? To power down a nephilim, who is canonically more powerful than his archangel parent? So when the Winchesters were trying to take down Lucifer and AU Michael, all they needed was some yarrow root and ground jawbone? And the answers were all right here in the bunker?

(Sigh. Don't think about it. That way lies madness.)

(Also, canon! Ha ha ha ha.)

She tells Jack she's making the bunker safe again and getting rid of all the monsters. Like you, sweetness. Aw. Sad Jack.

Kitchen. Dean comes in looking for a snack and is immediately presented with some kind of grilled sandwich. She tells him to eat it, because he'll need his strength when they go kill Jack. Aw, that's the sound of a heart breaking.

Dean is disappointed that their good thing has gone "full Nurse Ratchet," and glances longingly at the sandwich he has to leave behind. He takes Mrs. B's knife and suggests they let Jack go and pretend this never happened. The only logical conclusion is that Dean is under Jack's spell, so he gets tossed into the dungeon too. Oh, cool. Does that mean Sam gets to be the hero and save them?

Spoiler alert: Ha ha ha ha no.

Hello, Demon Dean. That's the only other time we've seen this expression, isn't it? {Or is it simply the only one branded onto my brain? Discuss.)

Map table room. Sam comes in and is met by Mrs. B. "Bit past your curfew, Samuel," she says curtly. He's no longer wearing his tie. Hmm. So, let's talk about the Eileen situation. Isn't it weird that (1) Dean didn't know she was in town, and (b) she's not spending the night at the bunker? Wouldn't you think she'd be a house guest? I mean, she's not "in town" for the heck of it. The only thing that would bring her to Lebanon would be Sam. So why isn't she here seeing Sam? Is she just driving through on her way somewhere else? She can't even spend one night in the bunker? And the tie? If Sam removed his tie, doesn't that strongly suggest Dean was right about the "something" going on? Did they do it in the back of the old car? At a hotel? I have questions, friends.

Anyway. Sam asks where Jack and Dean are, since it's late and they should be sitting around the map table waiting for him to come home and not, like, in bed or anything. "Well, I have some good news, and some bad news."

HERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS INDEED.

Honestly, I like this look better without the tie.

Time jump.

So, Jack has taken over Dean's mind. And they're both downstairs, right now, ready to be killed by us.

You were always the smart one, yes.

Sam, who is the smart one, says he's going to go to his room and get his gun, and he'll meet her in the dungeon. "And we can... get to the killing." I LOVE HIM. {Sidebar: I have watched his fake relieved sigh several times and it makes me smile every time.} Once he’s safe in his room, Sam calls Dean and starts to tell him about Mrs. Butters.

Went psycho, we know.

Why didn't you call me?

Well, I mean I, you know, I figured you were "practicing your sign language."

And that's more important than coming to save you?

...

Dean?

It's been a while for you, man, you know?

Aw. Always the supportive big brother. {Sidebar: As long as Sam is doing something Dean thinks Sam should be doing. But I digress.}

{Sidebar: I love Dean, y'all know I do. Warts and all. He'd be boring if he were perfect.}

Dean suggests Sam shoot her, although they don't know if a gun will kill her because neither of them got around to researching it because they were distracted by Christmas and Thanksgiving and breakfast on Boxing Day. That's how you get killed, guys. {Sidebar: How much do I love that Sam calls it Boxing Day? For my Brit friends, that's not really a thing in the U.S., although it's gradually starting to become one. And I love it.}

Dean then suggests that putting the bunker in standby mode might put Mrs. B in suspended animation again. Meanwhile, Jack and Dean are stuck in the dungeon. Jack suggests using his power to remove the cuffs, but Dean points out that the power surge would catch Chuck's attention. But what power surge? Jack already tried to use his power against Mrs. B and it turned out he didn't have any.

Jack suspects there are other reasons Dean doesn't want him to use his power, and suddenly decides it's time for a deep conversation.

Do you still think I'm a monster? Okay, I'm just gonna say this, okay? Just get it out there. Jack, I'm trying, okay? I really am. But what you did, that's not easy to forget. Now, I was angry with you. For a while. And maybe I still am a little bit, okay? But I'm not gonna let some evil Mary Poppins take you out. You understand?

Okay. Good talk.

Sam shows up in the library looking for Mrs. B, and trying to hide his gun, as if he hadn't told her he was going to his room specifically to retrieve said gun. But Mrs. B realizes he's trying to kill her, and freezes him. She's not mad, she's just disappointed. She tosses him into a chair and keeps him there with the power of her mind, not with rope or anything, in case you were wondering. {Oh, hello, "Funeralia" and "The Trap."} She tells him that when the MoL first found her, she didn't realize how important they were. But Mr. Cuthbert explained it to her. And since Sam is her favorite, she's not going to give up on him. Yet. She's going help Sam the same way Mr. Cuthbert helped her understand. Well, that doesn't sound ominous at all.

He's my favorite too! And I also think he needs to be hurt! See, she's basically me!

Dungeon. Dean is going to try to chop Jack's handcuffs off.

You're sure this is gonna work?

Let's say yes.

Aw. That was a perfect opportunity to bring back "maybe 90% sure." And it doesn't work - Jack is sent flying into a glassed-in cabinet that I've never seen in the dungeon before. Dean says "dang it" before remembering that he can use his big boy words, which is adorable. And then he gets an idea.

Upstairs. Mrs. B tries to convince Sam that Jack is a monster because he's Lucifer's son. Sam, of course, takes the opposite side of this debate. "Now, Mr. Cuthbert taught me that pain can be a wonderful teacher. Let's see if it can't correct your ways."

I SWEAR, Y'ALL, SHE IS ME.

Sam could sneer at her and say "I've been tortured by the devil himself; what can you do to me?" but we don't have that version of Sam any more. Mrs. B, without tools, yanks off one of his fingernails. {Oh, hello "A Very Supernatural Christmas!"}

Meanwhile, downstairs, Dean has a different theory on pain. It's just "weakness leaving the body," he tells Jack. We get a little "on three" bit, where he actually does the thing on one. And the thing is that he tries to cut Jack's handcuffs again, but this time Jack is strategically placed in front of the dungeon door. So when he's thrown back by the blast, he ends up breaking the door down.

Upstairs. Sam's been relieved of even more fingernails.

Downstairs. Dean takes a hammer (!) and smashes the reset button. Why doesn't he just push it with his hand? I mean, sure, we get the hammer, and the red lights and warning klaxon, and all of that turns me into Pavlov's dog {Hello, "Soul Survivor"}. But still. Seems unnecessary.

Upstairs. Mrs. B seems to be gone, and Dean bends over like he's untying Sam's wrist. But Sam's wrists aren't tied to anything, so. I got nothin'.

Downstairs. The runes that seem to hold Mrs. B in stasis light up, but do not stay lit. Well, that can't be good. And then the bunker grid control center thing thingy starts shaking and springs a leak. Ooops. Here she comes, complete with glowy green eyes.

Upstairs. Dean finishes untying Sam from the chair he wasn't tied to, and remarks on how gross his tortured hand is. Mrs. B shows up, yells that they've all been very bad, and flings them across the room. She's sure Sam will thank her someday for killing Jack, because it's so important to kill monsters and keep the MoL safe. It's why she couldn't go back to her forest. Sam explains to her that Mr. Cuthbert tortured her and used her, and Dean tells her Jack is going to save the world. Oh, okay then. The regular lights turn back on and Mrs. B tearfully says she misses the MoL so much.

Aftermath. Mrs. B heals Sam's hand and apologizes and all is immediately forgotten and once again, Sam gets to forgive his torturer and turn the other cheek. Yay! Sam, what was it you said earlier?

Gif stolen from @michaeldean

The guys send Mrs. B back to the woods, but first they have this conversation:

Sadly, without my magic, the bunker will revert to standby mode, so. Ah well, things were getting too easy anyway, you know? Who needs a monster radar? Or whatever that telescope thing is? It's an interdimensional geoscope. It's a what? I looked in it earlier; I didn't see anything. Oh. Well that's not good.

Holy crap, you guys. Interdimensional. It let the MoL look at the alternate worlds. And now you can't see anything because all of the alternate worlds have been destroyed. Gotta admit, this is an excellent little twist.

Jack presents Mrs. B with the photo of the MoL. "Oh look," she says. "The man who tortured me and kept me from my home, right here, front and center." Well, no, she doesn't. But I do.

Mrs. Butters gives them some last instruction. "Dean, eat your vegetables. And Sam, cut your hair. And Jack, go save the world." Well, I'm in favor of one or two of those things.

Try to tell me I'm wrong. Just try.

After-aftermath. Jack tells Sam that he doesn't know if he can kill God, since he was sidelined by a wood nymph "because I was stupid." He asks if Sam thinks he can do it.

"Jack, you're the only who can." No pressure.

Dean shows up with a truly awful-looking birthday cake for Jack. "I made it myself. Obviously." But Jack is thrilled because it's from Dean, and it means Dean loves him and has forgiven him, until the plot requires otherwise. He makes a wish and blows out his single candle. Fade to black.

So! There were parts of this that were simply marvelous. There were parts that were kind of dumb. There were parts that would have made me very angry if I weren't so tired and jaded. But the good parts were darn good, and the pretty was dialed up to 11, and we all know I'm a sucker for a pretty episode. And there was NO B PLOT. AT ALL. Thank you baby Jesus.

And let’s just refuse to consider the possibility that these were, in fact, their last holidays. Thanks.

Now I get to see what you thought about it. And, as always, please help me stay unspoiled for future episodes, including episode titles and casting info. {smooches}

#spn #15.14 #initial reaction #recap #tv recaps #spoilers

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 4 years

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Can I have V with either Taylor or Loki or Ransom or Chris or Curtis or Andy or Sam or Dean or Bucky or ....you get the picture 😂 I love you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

A/N- Thank you for being so patient babes, I hope I did him justice. Love you always. Also, you showed me some pictures that made me think of this the other day and for the life of me I can't find them. But your man was in ALL BLACK. and that did things to me. FML.

Warnings- Smut. There you go, that's all you get.

Fingers closing around the champagne flute, your other hand toyed with the pearls hanging gently around your neck, smooth little beads Under your fingertips that you played with when you were studying something.

This time you were studying the room, looking to see if the current gathering of guests were yet bubbly tipsy enough for you and Loki to slip away unnoticed. No, not you and Loki... You and Conrad. That was the code name you gave Loki for this mission, you couldn't help but think of your reasoning for Conrad at the debriefing earlier today.

“Why you so insistent on Conrad?” Steve asked as he crossed out the name on the paperwork and wrote in the one you just had to have.

You grin at Loki, who gives you an amused smile, answering for you. “Because she happened to see Kong, and got it in her head I looked like the man playing Conrad.” Lokis fingers danced in the small of your back, and you gave an affirming nod. Steve still looks lost, but not going to question it, Tony though, he’a laughing in the background. “Shes worst then Peter with her movies.”

“Your playing with your pearls Dear.” A smooth voice brought you out of the memory, Loki sliding up beside you. Crisp black suit, well fitted made him take your breath away every time, and you couldn't help but tug on those pearls of yours and bite your lip, giving an up and down glance. “What is on your mind?” His hand circled possessively around your hip, and sipped from his own champagne glass, the bubbles making him wrinkle the tip of his nose a moment. Eyes sharp as ever scanned the room, and it seemed everyone had made their way onto the dance floor.

“That you look dashing in that suit Conrad.” you tease, your fingers dancing up his chest and tilting up to nip at his chin a bit. In your ear, a familiar crackling noise penetrates the band playing.

Coast is clear for you two to extract the information. Sam's voice giving a semi gentle reminder of why the two of you are actually here. Loki glances around rather quickly, then you two start playing and teasing going up the grand staircase. Appearing as a couple lovers in a champagne drunken tease. Catching each other up against the banister for long drawn out kisses and you giggling against his lips while taking his hand. By all appearances, you two were just looking for a room.

Which you two were, a specific room.

In the midst of you two putting on a show, people sweeping around the two of you in a hurry to avoid disrupting you, Loki was pressed up behind you, kissing on your neck while you were looking at room numbers. Bingo... “Its over here.” You muttering to him and his head lifts, a subtle flick of his wrist disabled the room's security, and you pick at the lock. His hand closes around your wrist and draws you back to him, chuckling softly. “Let me Love.” a simple brush of his hand clicked the lock and you rolled your eyes at him, cautiously entering the dark office room. “You couldn't just do that before Loki?” and the man grinned as he secured the door shut.

“You didn't even give me the chance to.” He reached into his suit and took out a flash drive, handing it to you. Keeping the room dark to not draw attention, you circle the desk and get the computer turned on. Behind you was floor to ceiling windows, showing the city far below in a twinkle of traffic headlights and late-night office workers in the surrounding towers. Further off the ocean still had a tinge of purple on the horizon, night swiftly swallowing the last bit of light. Slipping in the flash drive, it showed a good 10 mins to get all the files downloaded and secured. Ten Minutes of waiting and not getting caught. You push away from the desk and step up beside where Loki is admiring the city below.

“Beautiful isn't it?” You step up closer to the glass to look down at the street 20 floors below you, people just living there lives, unaware of all that was going on around them at any given moment. Apparently, you fell into that lull, cause you never noticed the God move up behind you till his hands slid along the silken covered thighs, his long fingers bunching into your dress. “Beautiful? Although quite lovely yes, there really is only one beautiful one here tonight.” His voice a dark huskier tone, and he pressed you forward against the glass, nipping on the back of your neck while using his knee to part your thighs for him.

You reach up to shut off the com in your ear. “Going Dark Sam.”

What?! Don't you dare, Y/N- Click. Gone, just you and Loki now.

Loki chuckled as he bunched your dress up around your waist, slipping a hand between thighs, and rubbing against the cloth for a moment, but slightly impatient as they now only had 8 mins to continue, he let his fingers pull it aside to find the heat he was searching for, leaving you shuddering against the glass a moment as slick coated his fingers. Teasing you until you were rubbing into his hand, searching for more.

“Right there Loki...” You whispered with a soft moan, his fingers playing you to heights, biting your lip and crying out softly. Loki sshh'd in your ear. “Can't have you making noise and blowing out cover.” He sucked on your earlobe and removed his fingers from your fluttering channel, your eyes growing desperate in the reflection of the window. He plucked the pearls that hung around your neck, and let them stretch across your ruby red lips till you let them slide over your tongue, round smooth reigns to keep you in control, while his hand clamped over your mouth, muffling your sounds.

“Hope your ready from me Love.” And fuck you were, you pressed your ass back, but that just resulted in him pinning you tighter against the glass, his hand working his pants open enough to release his cock, and press against your channel, and powerful thrust from behind left him seated deeply, filling you in a claiming motion. You were his, he was sure to remind you. Moment like this when he fucked you against the glass for the world to see. If only they would ever look up from there lives.

Loki's hips slapped against you, your body sliding up and down against the glass slightly and he used those Pearls to hold your head back, sucking on those beads while whimpering into his palm, his lips on your neck, all teeth and tongue tasting your skin in the gentlest and hardest of ways. Your slick flowed, a fountain of arousal that he drew from you with every pulling back and snap forward of his hips. There was no modesty in the way you clenched around his cock, not when he angled to hit your sweet trigger, whimper turning into a crying moan, that resulted in him digging his fingers more into the flesh of your cheeks, his hisses against your ear. “You better cum Darling, we can't leave till you do.”

It was so hard to resist him, not that you wanted to. And when your orgasm left you gasping against his palm, Loki caging you in his hold to push you through it while chasing your own, you broke 20 stories above the city, for all of them to view, the lights turning into pinpointed array of stars in your vision, losing all focus, the cold glass offsetting the heat Loki filled you with. You were at your highest shattering bliss, and the world, all of it fades into nothing but a hazy thought in the back of your mind. Loki's hands covered yours against the window, his fingers sliding through yours in a clasp as he bit on your shoulder, muffling his own cries of pleasure.

Filling you with his seed, he took tagged breaths against your shoulder before lifting his head, the two of you catching eyes in the reflection, and he was careful to pull out, covering your neck in kisses while loosening his palm and easing your pearls back out of your mouth and around your neck, whispering. “I love it when you wear your pearls Pet.” He worked on straightening your dress, sure it was once again in place, smooth, and streamlined flowing down your legs. Tucking himself away while you grabbed the drive, he slipped it back into his pocket and cleaned any evidence you two might have left on the glass.

Rejoining downstairs, you flicked the com back on, while Loki drew you onto the dance floor, expert hands sliding in place and you two slipped into the crowd, twirling slightly with the music. “Back Sam.” you said softly enough for just Sam to hear, and immediately there was some cursing on the other end.

You two are on a mission, MISSION. Ain't no damn time for- You started to ignore the ranting of your teammate, looking up at Loki who had a satisfied smile on his face and a light press of lips against your forehead, you buried your face against his chest, and finished out the dance. Plucking the ticket from his jacket while you two headed for the exit to give to the valet, you looked up at him.

“So Conrad, thanks for showing a girl a good time.” Unable to hold back the grin that crossed your face, Loki wrapping you up in your shawl and laughing softly to himself while you two left, heading back to the compound, successful mission accomplished.

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clickbaitcas · 3 years

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I feel like the cast itself is protective of Misha but even they have so much power especially when Jared seems okay with not helping or ye help but joy help them.

I mean it’s kinda like how Jensen (and Misha but as sad as it is he probably wasn’t asked about anything) could really do nothing to help with the final.

As much as I love supernatural I’m really happy it’s ended. For the characters that won’t have to go through any more terrible stuff and the cast that deserves so much better.

But yeah I think the cast has a soft spot for Misha but they can’t really speak up in public and they couldn’t do much on set. (Another reason why I’m convinced that most of the writers if not all didn’t try to get the ending we wanted and instead stayed silent even if they didn’t agree)

I definitely think the cast (possibly with the exclusion of j*red but idk) loves Misha or at the very least respects him. I mean okay regarding j*red and Misha idk I think Misha was friends with him bc he had to be but you can't take that much shit from someone and Not still actively wanna be friends yknow? I doubt j*red has respect for Misha and his acting ability bc I think he's probably jealous oh either the jenmish relationship or just bc everyone knows Mish is a better actor. This is spec tho and biased bc I don't like j*red so don't listen to that.

I DO however think that showrunners (s*nger, gamble, and to a lesser extent dabb) either didn't like Misha, didn't like his interference with the show (ruining the "brothers" focus), or just.... didn't like Cas as a character. I mean I think s*nger definitely didn't like Cas interfering with the brothers storyline because to him it's a show abt Sam and Dean, not about Cas. He also was the one who joked about Misha being expendable soooo I don't think he particularly likes Misha. Gamble.... Idk enough about her except that she was the one who tried to write Cas off in s7. Dabb is supposedly a Cas girl but idk he's made comments about Misha too (I don't remember if this was him or s*nger but I think he was the one who said Mish was disposable). And like those were "jokes" but (like greer keeps saying) all jokes have a grain of truth about them.

I also think buckleming don't like Cas as a character. They're terrible tho so their opinions don't matter but leming and s*nger were on the Stacey Abrams zoom in the same box which idk if they're married or something but they probably have the same bronly perspective. I know Bobo was on our side and tried to get the ending we wanted. He wouldn't have written 15x18 like that if he didn't. I'm not convinced about dabb tho. There are breadcrumbs that suggest each side. I'm talking about those 3 bc they wrote the last 3 eps lol. There were other dabb episodes earlier in the season that should have suggested the ending we deserved but then he wrote that and I don't know what I think yet. I'm not gonna praise him but I'm not gonna dunk on him either. I will praise Bobo tho I love that man.

I know for a fact that the majority of the cast adores Misha. I mean, cockles. Misha and osric had a whole thing going for a bit. There's just so much positive interaction between Misha and the cast (j*red excluded). I don't have many examples other than cockles tho and this one really cute pic I saw earlier today of Misha resting his head on Jim beaver's shoulder (sadly I didn't save it but if I see it again I'll post it it's really cute). But I just get the feelings the cast or most of them at least adore Misha. Ruthie definitely loves him (see her Instagram and just she looks at him with such respect I love them). And like I said I'm conflicted abt my feelings on j*red and Misha's "friendship" but.... Ugh idk you don't try and mess someone up that much while you're working bc you respect them. Jensen did say they prank Mish the most bc they love him the best but... It got the the point where j*red wasn't even allowed on set unless he was in the scene!! So do with that what you will.

And I agree with you that they probably were seeing these things happening to Misha and were powerless to stop it. I mean there's a theory (I think it's a theory) that mark s saw what they were doing to Mish and didn't wanna take on a bigger part in the show for fear of that happening to him! (I think that was puck who said it but sjdks correct me if I'm wrong I have a goldfish memory). The only time I've ever heard of cast interfering with Misha being treated like shit was when jensen had to basically go on strike if they didn't let Misha go home and get better when he was literally running a fever. Also yea they definitely can't speak up about how Misha was treated at cons or anything bc they'd either get fired or sued or something bc it's a corporate network and yea legality things. I think to some degree they want to, which is how we get these breadcrumbs told in a joking/fond tone but like actually insinuating at bigger hijinks bts.

Lastly, I agree. I'm sad to see it go, but I do think the decision to end was a good one. It's just.... The way it ended that's so frustrating because our characters deserved so much better!! I have a lot to say on this that goes deeper into it, but for now I will just leave it at. 15 years is an incredible accomplishment. I truly believe they wouldn't have gotten that far if it weren't for Misha. And I hate the ending. I think it was a terrible disservice to characters who deserved peace. Dean and cas deserved to retire together and Dean deserved to work as a mechanic or fire fighter or whatever that job application was for. Sam and Eileen deserved to be Bobby and say they're retired but when someone needs help they go and help and they're always there if someone needs information on a specific monster. Charlie and Stevie deserved to be together. Jody, Donna and the girls deserved to be happy. Jack should have stayed with sam and Eileen in the bunker. They just deserved to finally be able to rest and do what they loved!!! The finale is so fucking stupid and terrible. That's why I'm still holding out for the jackles chaos machine 6 episode miniseries to go into production and completely ignore the last episode.

#oh wow that was a long answer #and it probably makes no sense I'm so frickin tired #anyway anon idk you didn't ask a question but these are my thoughts on the matter #and just to stress again #a lot of this is spec!! and the j*red stuff is definitely biased ajdjsk #but yea that's my story and I'm stuck in to it til I get evidence the points to the contrary #anon #grace answers asks?#this is itim turning off Tumblr for the night goodbye

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neven-ebrez · 4 years

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15x06 and Magic in the Water

I haven’t talked much about 15x06 because I was working JaxCon. At this point I see no reason to talk about what the witches were mirrors for so I’ll talk about Sam and success vs failure. Back in S8 the trials to close Hell were designed to be successes against Sam’s past failures. Sam kills a Hellhound where he didn’t to save Dean in S3. Sam saves an innocent soul from Hell because he couldn’t save Dean (and Cas does instead). And last, Sam purifies demon blood when he couldn’t stop himself from drinking it in S4. Originally S8 was about Sam letting go of his past failures, to stop playing Chuck’s game and in doing so, win. To “win” is to decide to accept your past that you can’t change in order to incorporate it into yourself so you can start living for the future. So. Failure to save Dean (with no outside help) has always weighed heavily on Sam. Even when Sam finally accomplishes this (“saving” Dean) in 10x23, it’s not without help (from Rowena and Cas) and it’s not without cost.

But MAGIC!!!

In S15 magic is framed as the ultimate tool to wield against the game. Its power is limited only to the wielder’s creativity in exploring what can conceivably be cost. There’s a reason Rowena’s spell was incomplete when Sam found it. “Death is an infinite vessel” these words from Rowena to her protégé, Sam, still haunt me. The show is scratching at something here, but it’s hard to tell what exactly yet. It’s what Crowley and Cas were after in S6. It’s what Belphegor was after in 15x03. And it’s what Rowena herself has become, apparently. In death she has become the ultimate vessel for it. There’s reason to believe in magic and so I was thrilled this episode focused on it and Sam’s relationship with it, while also his history of failure when he’s not using it. When Sam doesn’t use magic, when he relies on other things (powers, sacrifices of identity), he fails. When Sam USES MAGIC, he relies on himself and his own creativity as fueled by the experiences he’s had and he WINS. This is the lesson 15x06 teaches him.

Saving Eileen, who Sam saw as FINALLY a person for him IN THE LIFE, was such a win for Sam personally that I don’t even know how to express how deeply I think it mattered to him. He’s lost every woman he’s ever loved. He still thinks about Jessica. So when this hope of having someone back (and him being the direct cause of it) starts creeping in he hesitates, takes a while to turn around. He hears Eileen move through the water and holds his breath. It could have gone wrong. It usually does. This could be just another failure. So he remains still, steadies himself and turns, bracing for the truth. He can’t hope to believe he could actually ever get a person he loves and chooses BACK. Then he does. Romance is once again defined as a desire to hold hands as they touch to bookend where they couldn’t before.

With all this there’s been a thematic focus on water this year and Hell. Symbolically water often refers to change, perseverance. On SPN drowning is also like repression/possession and Cas’ transformations (7x02, 8x02) are often framed around him with water. In 15x06 we learn that Cas has been fishing by water and that an evil monster in a position of authority has been discarding people in water. Cas dies on the beach in 12x23 when Jack is born and the rules are permanently changed. There’s more but Cas leaving and entering the “game” is thus usually framed with Cas visually before some kind of body of water: streams, lakes, oceans. This imagery is pretty consist throughout SPN’s run. It’s a literal turning of the tide. So it seems fitting that Eileen should be reborn in it as well. This doesn’t change the fate of her condemned soul, presumably. Yes, she is alive now, but she’s still unable to enter Heaven whenever her time comes again. So the problem of Hell remains. Like water that moves with the Moon and evaporates in the heat, a change needs to come still. And the answer, the show tells us, lies somewhere with magic and a will to believe in yourself and the future. It’s what Rowena has learned. It’s what she has taught Sam. And it’s one of the final stories to tell.

#15x06 #zerbe discusses things #water in Supernatural #saileen #7x02 #8x02 #12x23 #there’s more to be said here but i have stuff to do so!#spn speculation #end of the road #the end of life after death #reordering Hell

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pennylanefics · 4 years

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Accident - Dean-Charles Chapman

a/n: this is based off of a blurb i recently wrote, so thanks to the person that sent it in :)

warnings: involves a car accident/being in the hospital/blood

•••

It was seven in the morning, and you and Dean were in the middle of a fight. He had woken up at the same time as you, which he usually does on the days you go into work. So, he was half asleep, watching you get ready from his spot in bed.

“Love, there’s this lunch on Saturday with some of the crew to celebrate wrapping on the film, you want to come?” He had a smile on his face, voice still filled with sleep and raspy. “George is gonna be there, Sam, Krysty, Pippa, a few makeup people, a couple cameramen, Roger, it’ll be fun.”

Focusing on getting ready, you were right about to agree, but you suddenly remember that you have a huge presentation on Monday that you have to work on over the weekend.

“Sorry, bub. I can’t. Remember that huge presentation I told you about? Mark decided to throw everything on me, so now I have to work my ass off the entire weekend to get it done by Monday.”

“But, it’s a lunch. Can’t you take a break during that time? You’re a smart girl, you can at least give yourself a break every now and then. I really want you there because you’ve been so supportive of me with this film, and I know I haven’t been pleasant to be around a lot.”

“I really wish I could, Dean. But I need to give my full attention to it this weekend to make sure it’s perfect. I’ll gladly go out to lunch with you anytime after Monday.”

“It’s not just about the lunch,” Dean groans, agitated due to him being half asleep. “It’s about celebrating the fact that we wrapped on this very difficult film and being there with the people who helped bring it alive.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you, babe. I hate to say that work is more important at the moment, but it is. If it weren’t just on me to finish this, I would go. But that’s not the case.”

“You know. I always go with you to work functions. Even the lunches with your colleagues that know little to nothing about me, and I know little to nothing about them. But I go, and I sit there while you chat with them about things that I have no clue what it’s about. And you know why I go? Because I support you and your job and the things you accomplish there. I know how much you love it, so why can’t you do the same for me?”

“That right there. If you know how much I love my job, why are you making this such a big deal?” You two were now yelling at one another, and you had stopped getting ready to focus on Dean. “And you know that I support you in everything that you do, so don’t you dare throw that back in my face.”

“Well it doesn’t feel like you’re doing that right now!”

“It’s lunch at some fancy restaurant! Why is it such a big deal if I miss it?”

“I fucking told you! It’s getting together with the crew that put together such an incredible film!”

“And I’ll be there for you for all the award shows and events you’re going to be attending with the same people! Why does this one little lunch matter!” Dean huffed and fell back onto the bed. “Okay, well I don’t have time for this, i’m going to be late.” You go back to getting ready, ignoring Dean, who was pouting in bed, watching you.

“We’ll finish this when I get home,” you mumble, grabbing your bag and heading out the door before he can say another word. No goodbyes, no ‘I love you’s’, and no kisses.

He started to feel bad, but then remembered all the times he went to lunches with you, as he mentioned during the fight. This one “little” lunch was the last time the crew would be together before starting all of the press and award show things.

Dean’s POV:

I felt awful after (Y/N) left. I stayed in bed for an hour, just thinking over the fight and who had the upper hand. Her work IS important to her, but I also want her at this lunch to meet everyone who helped me through this journey, just like she did.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the fight for the rest of the day. I tried watching movies, playing video games, even taking a nap, but I only seemed to think about the fight after everything.

I spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games, waiting for my girlfriend to get home and talk things out. But, when I looked at the time, I didn’t realize it was already five-thirty. (Y/N) was supposed to be home over an hour ago.

At first, I thought that she either chose to stay late and work on her presentation, but then I remembered that her manager doesn’t like people staying late; he’s apparently super uptight and cautious about people being there after hours. My mind then went to the possibility that she went out to blow off some steam because of the fight.

I tried to keep calm, but something didn’t feel right. Something just felt off.

After half an hour of trying to call her, I get a call from an unknown number. Answering it, I feel my heart drop.

“Hello, is this Dean-Charles Chapman?” A voice asks.

“Uh, yes. May I ask who’s calling?”

“This is Mary Lane Hospital. I was calling to inform you that (Y/N) (Y/L/N) is here, she was admitted after getting into a car accident. You are her emergency contact as we found out.”

“W-wha-” I couldn’t speak. I was at a loss for words.

“Hello?” Are you still there, sir?”

“Y-yes, sorry. Um, is she going to be okay?”

“She’s currently awake, but she is quite injured. You are more than welcome to come up here and visit her when she’s ready.”

“Thank you.” With that, I hung up, quickly slipped my shoes on, grabbed my keys, and drove to the hospital she was at. I’m surprised I didn’t crash myself because I cried the entire way there.

The only thing going through my mind was that she could have been killed, and the last memory we had of each other was a fight over some lunch, that doesn’t matter at all in this moment.

“FUCK!” I scream, pounding my hands on the steering wheel once I pull into a parking spot. I take a moment to collect myself, wiping my tears away before heading inside.

“Hi. I just got a call telling me that my girlfriend is here,” I whimper to the receptionist at the front desk.

“Name?” I give it to her and she clicks away, taking her sweet time as she does. I want to scream at her to hurry up, but I stay calm on the outside.

“Room 236.” I quickly thank her and bolt for the stairs, jogging up them as fast as I can. Once I’m on the second floor, I frantically run around, looking for her room. I finally find it and stand there for a moment, not knowing if I should walk in or knock. So, I decide to just slowly open the door.

The first thing I notice is a doctor standing next to her bed. He seems to be assessing her in some way, but since his back is to me, I can’t see much.

“Is she alright?” I wonder. The doctor turns around upon hearing my presence and smiles, waving me over to her bed. My girlfriend finally comes into my view, and my heart breaks even more than it did when I heard the news.

She had a bandage wrapped around her head, which blood was slightly seeping through, her right arm was completely bandaged up and bent at the elbow, there were cuts and bruises all over her face, chest and un-bandaged arm.

“Oh love,” I whisper, falling to the opposite side of the bed from which the doctor was on.

“She’s going to be just fine. Her head wound isn’t too serious, it’s just an outer scrape, no stitches needed, no concussion. Her arm is broken, and she may need surgery for that. Other than that, just minor cuts and bruises all over, but she should be fine to go home in a couple days. And we’ll also make an appointment for her next set of x-rays to assess her broken elbow.” He talks to her for a minute before he leaves, letting us have some time alone.

“I’m sorry,” I begin, my voice shot from crying and screaming in the car. “I should have understood that you have to do something important for work and-”

“Dean, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! Don’t you realize that you could have been killed tonight?” Just saying those words sent a shiver up my spine. “Our last memory we would have had of each other was a stupid fight over some lunch that’s not even important.”

“No, I know the lunch is important to you, babe. I’m sorry for not understanding as well.” I shake my head in disagreement.

“I’m the one who should only be sorry. As I said, I know how important your work is to you, and you’re right. You will see all the people that are going during events coming up once press starts. I’m sorry for trying to force you to go.” She smiles and rubs my cheek with her free hand.

“I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you too, darling. Always will.” I lean up and press my lips to hers, holding her cheek in my hand. After I pull away, I keep my forehead on hers, tears falling from my eyes as I soak in the thought that she’s here and she’s alive.

“Make sure to say hi to George for me when you go,” she mumbles. Sitting back up, I give her a strange look.

“What?”

“At the lunch. Make sure to tell Goerge I say hi.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Huh?”

“You honestly think I’m going to that bloody lunch when you’re sat in the hospital with a broken arm and bandage wrapped around your head?” She giggles and rests her head against the pillow, gazing up at me with a look of love in her eyes.

“You’re really not gonna go?”

“No. I’m not gonna leave you home alone, with a broken arm, bruises and cuts and scrapes all over you, just for a lunch that I can have with you.”

“You’re too sweet, Dean,” she smiles, reaching for my hand. I gladly entwine my fingers with hers, bringing it up to press a kiss to the back of her hand.

“You mean the world to me, love.”

•••

taglist: @gecrgemackays @the-great-imagines-of-1812 @rubinstein1798 (i keep forgetting to put a taglist whoops)

#dean charles chapman #dean charles chapman imagines #dean charles chapman x readsr #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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vintagevalentinex · 4 years

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Wings

This has been a labor of love. It is the longest story that I have written to date and I have to say I’m quite proud of it. I have had this Cas/Reader story in my head for such a long time and I’m so happy that I was finally able to get it out.

Please let me know what you think!

Tags under the cut at the bottom! :)

Title: Wings Author: vintagevalentinexx Words: ~4775 Pairing: (Castiel x Reader) Warnings: Major FLUFF. Brief mention of torture/violence. Brief angst.

Wing /wɪŋ/ noun: Any of a number of specialized paired appendages that enable some animals to fly, in particular.

You never really took into consideration how important some things were until they were gone, or even became damaged. You could remember when you were eleven years old when you broke your arm. You had to wear that stupid pink cast and that sling for nearly a month. It was difficult getting dressed, bathing, eating, and you had to rely on other people for nearly everything. Being the precocious, independent youngster that you were, it was difficult having to lean on other people to get things accomplished. It was then that you realized how some parts of your body are like extensions of yourself (literally). While by the end of the month you were figuring out how to get things done without the aid of one of your arms, you were certainly grateful to finally get the cast off. That memory had stuck with you though. It made you not take anything for granted, and it gave you compassion toward other people who may be going through a rough time.

Which is why you could understand why Castiel was so upset and self-conscious about his wings.

You remember the first time you saw his wings. He was a solider of Heaven; fierce and powerful and you watched with awe as he smote demon after demon as you lay incapacitated on the ground. Your vision went in and out, but you could have sworn you saw a magnificent shadow, shaped in the form of wings, the span of which you had never seen before in any kind of animal. As you lay bleeding out you saw bursts of light, the shadow of wings continuing to flicker against any wall they faced. When it was finally over, you thought for a moment that you were going to pass on, but Castiel’s glowing blue eyes kept you awake, always in a trance-like state as he bent down, his gaze softening as he pressed two fingers to your forehead, murmuring something about trying to relax.

When you woke you were greeted by those same beautiful blue eyes, albeit not glowing now. He was staring at you worriedly, his face showing signs of relief as you finally came to.

“You lost so much blood, (Y/N).”

“I…I’m…sorry?”

He looked at you bewildered, his lips forming into a small, shy smile. “You are such a fascinating creature.” With that, you heard the all too familiar flutter of wings as he left, a dopey smile on your face, visions of blue eyes unable to fade out of your mind as you fell back asleep.

It was a long time later when you were gifted with the opportunity of seeing Castiel’s wings again. You were fighting side by side, something that was happening more frequently while Sam and Dean tried to find a cure for the Mark of Cain. Castiel would take you on excursions to question rogue angels, trying to figure out where Metatron was hiding. If there was anyone who knew, it might be him. The both of you were nearly inseparable during that time. You had watched him go through everything—losing his grace, being kicked out of the Bunker, learning about his “extracurricular” affair with April (which for some reason really rubbed you the wrong way), watching Dean turn into a demon, and finding the rest of his grace. You had seen the toll all of these ordeals had done on him. The once curious, awkward angel was now weary and jaded; the wonderment he once had about the world was gone.

Naturally this broke your heart. You had longed for the shy smiles the angel seemed to save for only you, and you missed teaching him about the subtleties of human existence. You wanted to speak up, but you found yourself having a difficult time knowing what to even say to Cas. Hey buddy, why so glum? Hey there pal, I’ve noticed you’re not as awkwardly adorable as you used to be. Yeah…that’s definitely not going to work.

You sighed, your mind shifting back to the fight you were currently in, Castiel by your side as you fought more demons. You were thrown against a wall, crumbling into yourself as you saw the bright light again that you saw so very long ago. You shielded your eyes, not wanting your eyeballs to melt out of your face, waiting for the blinding light to die down. Finally you were away to uncover your face, seeing the faintest shadow of his wings. You heard a gasp, realizing moments later that you were the person who made this noise, seeing the condition of his wings. Several feathers were missing and currently falling off, the shadows of them fading into nothingness as they hit the ground. You bit your lip, your heart sinking at how Castiel’s wings looked now. He had been through so very much and it must have been tiring on his vessel and his grace. You wondered if there were things that could not be healed by grace.

The flutter of wings signaled Castiel’s presence in front of you as he bent down. You could see him staring tenderly at you. “(Y/N)…I am sorry that you are always getting hurt while I’m around…I wish…I wish I could protect you better.”

You tried to smile, feeling his warm fingers going to your forehead, the pain and aches of the fight quickly dissipating. “It’s okay, Cas…it’s part of the job.” You put a hand on his bicep, feeling the muscle through his trenchcoat. “I…I need to tell you something Cas.”

He looked at you inquisitively, tilting his head as he helped you up. “What is the matter, (Y/N)?”

You fought to meet his eyes, nervous, hoping he wouldn’t be upset with you. “Well…one of the first time we fought together…I saw your wings…and they were beautiful, enormous and they looked so powerful.” You swallowed, trying to not look at his face, knowing there would be sorrow etched into his features. “I saw them again today…they…they looked quite different.”

Castiel looked at you through his eyelashes, unspeaking, nodding as you continued. “They were so different today. Your wings…they looked damaged.”

“I have sacrificed many things for the betterment of humans, (Y/N).”

“I know you have, but at what cost, Cas? What would I…er…we do without you around? You are so very important.”

“I am but a soldier of Heaven…”

“You are one of us. You are special to me, Cas. And we need to get you better. Please…please let me help you heal.”

You made it your personal mission to help him heal.

“I do not understand this at all, (Y/N)…”

You laughed as you plopped down on Sam’s bed, the only room in the Bunker that had Netflix. That was something you’d definitely have to work on. You continued to giggle as you watch Castiel try and sit on the bed in his trench coat, shoes still on. You quirked an eyebrow.

“Seriously, Cas? Shoes? Your coat? Both of them off. Now.”

“I…but why?”

“Because…” you started, “if Sam finds out I let you sit on his bed with your shoes on, he will never let me watch Netflix again! Now c’mon!”

You could have sworn you saw him roll his eyes as he finally plopped down next to you, smirking a little as you swayed on the bed from the force of him. You clicked the TV on with the remote, the dim glow of the screen illuminating the room.

“Would you please explain to me again why this is necessary?”

You sighed, scrolling through the movies and shows on the home screen of Netflix, trying to find something you think that Castiel would like. “It’s very necessary. You need to heal. You are so far done that you can’t heal yourself and you can’t even fly anywhere. The ordeals you have been through have been very taxing on you, Cas…”

“Yes, I understand that, but why is this…” He motioned to the television, “needed? Can’t I just lie here?”

It was your turn to roll your eyes. “Technically no. But it can be rather enjoyable! All of these different movies on here all tell different stories of the human experience. Some are sad, some are angry, some are absolutely hilarious. The point is that you can step outside of yourself and focus on these stories instead of what you have going on. It’s nice sometimes to be able to put it off for a while sometimes.”

Castiel nodded, smiling the small, shy smile you have started to adore as he stared intently at the screen, his smile growing larger as you click on a documentary about bees. You slyly glanced at him, smiling at him fondly, his eyes excited as he watched the screen. What an adorable dork.

You couldn’t see it, but in the shadows of the room, Castiel’s wings twitched, less feathers fell from them as they started to subtly glitter and dance against the shadows.

“Just humor me.”

You sat in the library of the Bunker with Castiel, swinging your legs as you sat in a chair, nursing a mug of hot chocolate. You pouted up at him, trying to give him the best puppy dog eyes you could muster, taking another sip of your hot chocolate, unbeknownst to you, a bit of whipped cream resting on your upper lip.

Castiel chuckled as watched you. As he stepped closer he bent down, taking a thumb to gently wipe your upper lip. “You had something on your face. (Y/N)…are you well? You feel so warm?”

He tilted his head as he looked at you. You pulled away from him harshly, trying to completely not look like a mess as he touched you. “I’m…I’m fine, Cas. It’s just the heat from the hot chocolate!”

He seemed to accept that as an answer as he finally took a seat next to you, a mug that was meant for him. “What am I supposed to do with this, again?”

You beamed. “You’re supposed to drink it! It tastes so good! Chocolate is amazing!” You giggled as you watched him eye the steaming mug suspiciously.

“When I consume anything, I can only taste the molecules, (Y/N). As ‘amazing’ as your hot chocolate sounds, I will not be able to taste it.”

You looked at him sheepishly, hanging your head as you realize your mistake. “Oh, right. I’m sorry, Cas. I should have realized. That was really stupid of me.” You chewed on your lip; picking at your fingernails as you looked down, feeling terrible. You just wanted to make him happy and try to cheer him up a little bit.

Your head snapped up as you heard the scrape of a chair moving closer to yours. His chair was butted right alongside yours, armrests flush with each other. Cas picked up your mug from the table, handing it back to you. “Please don’t apologize, (Y/N). Maybe it will taste like something. I should not have said anything until I tried it.”

Smiling, you took your mug, clanking it with Castiel’s as you both took a sip out of your respectful mugs, you smiling, your face scrunching up as you tasted the warm hot chocolate; Castiel’s’ face scrunching up in disgust as he sipped.

“This is still terrible.”

You giggled softly, shifting as you leaned your head on his shoulder, your toes wiggling in your thick woolen socks as you enjoyed the quiet with Castiel.

Just out of your line of sight, Castiel’s wings were unfurled, yet still fairly barren. Despite this, his wings did not shed a single feather now, yet still hung rather limp.

Of course the heat wasn’t working properly in the Bunker. That seemed to be right on par with the day you were having. You stubbed your toe nearly as soon as you stepped out of your bed this morning, you shrunk your favorite t-shirt in the wash, there wasn’t any coffee left, and Dean ate all the damn pop tarts. You huffed as you nestled yourself down on the couch, cocooning yourself in several blankets, getting comfy. You turned on the tv, trying to keep warm. Hopefully the boys would be back soon to fix the damn furnace.

Unbeknownst to you, Castiel had popped into the Bunker to check up on you, find you fast asleep on the couch. He smiled softly as he watching you for a while, bundled up in all the blankets. He watched you for a little while longer, a frown etching onto his mouth as he realized you were still shivering under all of those blankets. He crouched down, brushing your cheek with the back of his hand, trying to rouse you from sleep.

“(Y/N)…(Y/N)…please wake up…” You shifted, your eyes fluttering open slowly to be met by the most beautiful blue ones you had ever had the pleasure to see. A smile crept its way onto your lips as you groggily answered him.

“Hey, Cas. Everything okay?”

His eyebrows furrowed as he continued to watch you shiver. “You are cold, (Y/N).”

You smiled self-consciously at him, averting your eyes. “Yeah…the heating seems to be on the fritz so I’ve been trying to stay warm…”

Before you could even speak Castiel was moving around the blankets to get into them next to you, not realizing that you were a blushing mess. It was enough to make you blush to just be near to him, but cuddling under blankets was probably going to kill you.

“Your heart is beating rather fast, (Y/N). Perhaps I should move closer to try and give you some of this vessel’s warmth.”

You couldn’t even speak as you felt him wrap an arm around you, the heat in your cheeks intensifying. The both of you sat there for a while, and you found yourself unconsciously moving closer to him as the warmth from his body seeped into yours. You found yourself dozing off, your head finally lulling onto his shoulder. Castiel smiles down at you, giving you a firm squeeze as he aimlessly watches whatever is on the television.

He doesn’t know it, but the limpness in his wings is significantly less now, returning to the strength they once were. The shadows of his wings trembled in the shadows against the walls, the light from the television creating beautiful shapes against the shadows of his wings.

“It is merely a visible mass of condensed water vapor floating in the atmosphere. I don’t see what is so important about that.”

You sighed, flopping over onto your side, leaning up on an elbow to stare at the angel. It was a beautiful spring day, and while the sky wasn’t completely cloudless, the beautiful puffy, tufts of white crawling their way through the sky. Although you had seen many beautiful days, it was nice to be able to spend a moment alone with Castiel.

Castiel.

If anyone reminded you of a beautiful, blue, sunny day, it was him. You were currently trying your best to not stare for too long at him; he was more observant than he let most people realize. When he smiled, actually, genuinely smiled, it was as if the sun was warming your skin, the heat intensifying when that smile was directed your way. His eyes were more captivating that anything you had ever gazed upon; the most beautiful shade of blue that you could ever imagine. You found yourself growing fonder of him as the days passed and as you spent more and more time with the angel. He was becoming a facet in your life; a piece of your heart that you did not want to give up.

“(Y/N)…(Y/N)…is something wrong with my face? Are you alright?”

You jerked your head, your nose colliding with Castiel’s forehead; apparently he was much closer now, but you would know that if you weren’t daydreaming. Your hand immediately went to your face, the crunch of the blow making your eyes water, trying to keep composure. Castiel was immediately pulling you up, making you move your hand, his eyes full of concern. He pressed two fingers to your forehead, the warm of his grace flowing through you, healing your nose as if nothing had ever happened. He held you by your shoulders, leaning in close.

“Please forgive me, (Y/N). I am so very sorry that I hurt you…I would never want to hurt you.”

You smiled, wiggling your nose. “See…it’s as good as new. I promise I’m not mad…”

Castiel continued to look at you like a scolded puppy and you couldn’t help but giggle, his concern for you warming your heart.

“I tell you what. If you can tell me what that cloud looks like we can call it even.” He rolled his eyes, still not understanding why you would want to do such a trivial thing. He plopped back down on the ground, taking you with him at his side. His eyebrows furrowed, deep in thought, turning his head to pout at you as you giggled softly at his ‘thinking face’.

“That one there…it seems to resemble the shape of a bee…”

Castiel smiled at you, your lips moving of their own accord to match his grin. The both of you laid there until the sun hung low in the sky, your eyes growing heavy as you fell into a comfortable, warm sleep. Castiel brushed the hair out of your face, pressing the softest whisper of a kiss at your hairline, smiling down at you.

You snuggled closer to the warmth of him, the warm spring wind blowing gently, caressing your skin. Little did you know that Castiel’s wings were flexing and flapping gently, stretching the muscles, creating the breeze you felt. Feathers no longer fell from his wings. New fluffy, downy feathers grew in the empty spaces, maturing into the longer, outer layer that so desperately needed to be replaced.

The power had gone out in the Bunker. Well…not really, but you had turned out all of the lights, your flashlight leading Castiel and you through the hallways.

“(Y/N)…now you’re really confusing me. This seems extremely unnecessary. Can’t we just turn all the lights back on and get on with our lives?”

All you did was grin at him as you dragged him to your room, flashlights and candles flicking in the space. You could see Castiel smiling fondly at your work, his lips curling up into a warm smile as he looked at your creation in the center of the room. “Did you collect all of the blankets and pillows in the Bunker to create that…umm…”

“Fort. It’s a fort, Cas. It’s a blanket fort! C’mon!”

You dragged him under and into the fort, where more lights and candles illuminated it (good thing you had an angel with you for assistance if you started a fire with all these candles). After the both of you got settled amongst the blankets and pillows, you set your flashlight aside, the soft light illuminating both of your faces. You shuffled closer to Castiel, sitting shoulder to shoulder as you wiggled your sock-clad toes.

“Tell me something about yourself, Cas.”

He looked at you confused. “I don’t understand…”

You smiled, “I want to know more about you, the things you like, what you were like when you were younger…wait…were you ever younger? Were angels ever babies?! Please tell me there are such things as angel babies!!”

Castiel openly laughed, noting the flush in your cheeks as his hand “accidentally” brushed against yours.

“I think I understand what you mean now, (Y/N). Perhaps you should go first.”

You nodded, pondering about what you wanted to tell him. “Well…when I was little I always used to love camping in the backyard when it was warm enough. One summer, it seemed to rain every night so I wasn’t able to spend the night outside. My parents had the amazing idea to create a blanket fort inside so we could spend the night camping in the house. We gathered up all the blankets and pillows in the house and made the most amazing fort ever. We stayed up all night telling stories to each other. It’s the fondest memory I have of them.”

Castiel smiled, taking your hand into his, giving it a firm squeeze. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It’s a beautiful memory.”

You smiled back at him, your hand still firmly planted in his. “Alright, it’s your turn.”

Castiel let go of your hand, causing you to pout momentarily, your frown quickly being replaced with a shy smile as his arm found its way around your shoulders, pulling you into his side, engulfing you in his warmth.

“When the Earth was new, I enjoyed the time when the animals and all of the creatures were being created. I was marveled at how each creature is such a masterpiece. God even let some of the angels help create some of the animals…the platypus for example…one of Gabriel’s creations…”

“No way…you’re making this up!” You laughed, your head finding its way onto his shoulder.

He chuckled. “He also had a lot of input on the giraffe…” He paused for a moment, turning his head to smile down at you on his shoulder.

“But my fondest memory…that would be…that would have to be several things, (Y/N). I suppose it could be summed up as one thing, though. The first time I saw you smile is probably the fondest memory that I have in all of my years…”

You looked up at him, steeling yourself as you bent upward, pressing your lips to his. The kiss wasn’t overly passionate; it was sweet, and it spoke volumes for you, everything you wanted to say to him at that moment but were unable to say.

The empty spaces on Castiel’s wings were completed filled in now, the strength slowly but surely still coming back to them. They started to unfurl much more effectively.

“Can you please explain this to me again?”

You pumped your legs as you glided through the air, swinging back and forth on the swing set, the breeze blowing through your hair. You grinned at you turned your head, watching him move his legs, and unsuccessfully swing. Hopping off of the swing mid-air, you made your way over to Castiel’s swing, standing behind him.

“You need to push yourself off first to get the momentum going, Cas.”

“I do not understand.”

“Here, lift your feet off the ground…”

You grabbed the chains, pulling the swing back as the bewildered angel looked back at you. You let go of the chain, pushing him forward. “Go ahead now, Cas. Move your legs!”

You watched on as he pumped his legs like you showed him, the swing going higher and higher. Hopping back on your own swing, you went back to the wonderful task of flying through the air on your swing, completely oblivious to whatever Castiel was doing. You continued on for a while before all of a sudden your swing stopped abruptly, your back met with a solid wall of muscle. You let out an audible “oof” as you craned your neck around to look up at Castiel. “What are you doing, Cas?”

“Something I should have done a long time ago.”

He moved around, now facing you as he grabbed the chains of your swing, he pulled you forward, pulling you up to him as his lips finally found yours, kissing you like you had wanted him to for such a long time. Your hands found their way to his face, cupping his cheeks, completely trusting in the fact that his angelic strength would keep you locked in that position for as long as Castiel so desired.

There was now a shimmer to Castiel’s wings, as if his grace was pumping through them. Their strength was just about back to full power; nearly completely healed.

This night could not have been any more perfect. You were alone with Castiel; the both of you had the motel room to yourselves for the night while Sam and Dean did some reconnaissance of a warehouse where they believed a nest of vampires were staying. Castiel held you in his arms, swaying the both of you to the faint music on the radio. You snuggled into his chest, letting him move you to the music, breathing him in. You murmured softly, “I can’t remember a time where I was ever so happy, Cas. You are so incredibly important to me and I feel so deeply for you.”

Castiel halted your movements, taking both of your hands into his own, pressing them to his lips.

“Ever since I’ve been with the Winchesters, I have felt as though I have straddled both Heaven and Earth; no longer belonging to either place. It has been a feeling I have been struggling with for years. Spending this time with you has taught me that although I do not belong to either place, all I need is to belong to you, and that keeps me sated. I feel whole because you feel like home.”

You looked up at him, tears welling up in your eyes as you reached up to kiss him, putting everything that you are into his lips, your arms wrapping around him, your body pressed flushed against his. “Cas…I don’t even know what to say right now…”

“Then don’t. Just feel with me. Be at home with me, (Y/N).”

Castiel’s wings, now fully healed wrapped around you, shielding you from potential dangers and keep you close to him. You couldn’t see them, but it was as though you felt a blanket of comfort and warmth draped around you.

That was the most important, most beautiful memory you had. They say when you are about to die, your most important memories replay in your mind. Your mind kept showing you memories of the time you had spent with Castiel everything from simple little moments, up until the moment you knew that the both of you loved each other.

The demons tortured you relentlessly, trying to get a location of the Winchesters out of you. Naturally you didn’t tell them a single thing, which obviously pissed them off. They beat you down, leaving you within mere moments of death, your vision blurring, fingers growing cold. All you could think of was Castiel, his blue eyes burned into your memory.

As if out of nowhere, a near-blinding white light filled the room in which you were being held, the force of it almost painful. You struggled to close your eyes, worried that you may not be able to open them again. You could see the magnificent form of wings, full and lush, against one of the back walls. It took a while for your eyes to focus, but as they do, you see blue, nearly crying as you see the beautiful eyes of your lover.

Without a word he smites them all, quickly coming to your aid, his gaze becoming pained as he takes in your pitiful state. His voice is strained as he speaks. “Please forgive me for not getting here sooner…”

Castiel pressed his lips to your forehead, his grace flowing into you, healing you, bringing you back from the brink of death. He literally kissed away your wounds, gathering you up into his arms. You looked up at him, your beautiful, brave, selfless angel and you smiled, feeling so very grateful that you did not have to part with him yet; you were blessed with more time with him, precious time that you would never take for granted.

“I love you, Castiel.”

“There is nothing more precious to me in the entirety of existence than you, (Y/N). ‘I love you’ does not have enough depth to describe what I feel for you.”

You smiled, arms wrapping around his neck. “I saw them, you know. Your wings…well at least what my eyes would allow me to see. They looked amazing! When I first saw them, they were…well…nearly bare. But now…they are glorious!”

He smiled down at you thoughtfully. “Yes, they are completely healed. I never imagined that they would be returned to their unblemished state, knowing the condition that they were in. However, it seems that spending time with you has healed them, healed me. I will spend the rest of eternity taking care of you. But first…I think we will need to make sure you are completely healed.”

You kissed him, feeling content, knowing that you were finally home as well.

@abaddonwithyall @bovaria @icecream-and-gadreel @bkwrm523 @aprofoundbondwithdean @for-the-love-of-dean @castielspahdehrah @spnashley @spnfanficpond @orlislilypad @oriona75 @blushingsamgirl @kittenofdoomage @nebulanoxx @mrswhozeewhatsis @but-deans-back-tho @ilostmyshoe-79 @mysupernaturalfics @manawhaat @deans-colette @thegleegeneration @pada-ackles @sis-tafics @theerinpage @ohfora67impala @fulldisclosureash

I tried to tag everyone I could think of!

#spn #castiel #castiel x reader #castiel/reader #repost #new blog #one of my favorite pieces

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mittensmorgul · 4 years

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I rewatched 15x07 today and I just couldn't stop seeing how much Eileen was Chuck in 15x7. Her personality, the "ew" when Cas said some part of Sam's soul is in Chuck, her reactions to any talk of Chuck, how she was standing behind Sam and sort of side eying him when Sam said he had been in Chuck's head... Well, even when she propositioned Sam, they were supposed to be looking for ways to *stop* Chuck. Why do you think the show chose to focus on that instead of developing Saileen's relationship?

omg, okay... so you see this exactly the same way I do, and I really wrestled with whether to post this publicly or not, because every time I bring up these extremely valid points, confirmed in canon by Chuck, I get told I’m either a horrible person for thinking this way or I’m delusional or a moron for feeling uncomfortable ignoring this stuff just for the sake of a ship. And I just... can’t ignore it. Because it’s canon.

One of the Big Questions of the entire season is “what is real, and what is Chuck.” Eileen returned ONE EPISODE after we learned the extent of Chuck’s ability to fuck with them directly, via Lilith. The notion that Chuck would just drop that lesson on them and then peace out is just... idiotic to me. We were supposed to see Sam’s statement at the beginning of 15.06, and Dean’s reply, as the huge flashing neon warning sign it was supposed to be:

Sam: No. I haven't had a vision since Colorado. I think maybe they stopped.Dean: Oh, I doubt it. Not until Chuck gets His end game, you know? The Winchester Bowl. Cain and Abel 2.0. This is God we're talking about. G-O-D. Wouldn't be too worried about finding Him. He'll find us.

LOLOLOLOL I mean, yes? He doesn’t even have to look hard to find you? He knows exactly where you are and how to manipulate you. He’s been doing it basically forever.

and then all of a sudden *random dead character we haven’t seen or even MENTIONED in three years* just suddenly appears specifically needing their help? And we’re supposed to think it’s an unproblematic win all around?

Sure Jan.

Chuck honestly couldn’t have chosen a better lure to send them. Someone the Winchesters would be thrown off by, someone they felt guilt over not having been able to save. Someone they’d be willing to drop everything else to help, and wouldn’t question remaining present in their lives. Someone they would trust without question. And specifically someone who had the kind of connection to Sam that Chuck could exploit to further the divide between Sam and Dean. Exactly as we saw happen... Dean made assumptions about their relationship and retreated even further into his own issues, leaving Sam alone and open to Chuck using Eileen in exactly the way we saw play out in his Vision of the Future in 15.09... driving Sam into her arms only to kill her off in a horrific, tragic situation in order to manipulate Sam into the reckless nihilism that engulfed their world by the end. Sounds exactly like what Chuck failed to accomplish with the whole BMoL plot in s12, which we ALSO know was orchestrated BY HIM, thanks to 14.20. Same story, different turn of the wheel.

Because Chuck needed all of that to get around the effects of that wound and lay down a trap that would eventually be sprung at the end of 15.08. If Cas hadn’t gone poking around in Sam’s wound, compromising Chuck’s plan, theoretically I believe he would’ve continued to use Eileen as his eyes on the Winchesters. The whole “lure Eileen out of the bunker and ensure she brings Sam along for the ride” thing felt more like a scramble to find a faster solution to his bigger problem and eliminate the compromised middle-man in his ability to directly mess with the Winchesters, which brought us to 15.09 and his desperation to force Sam into “breaking the connection” by his own choice. Since it was Sam’s will that fired the not-a-bullet that wounded them both in the first place. He literally had to break Sam’s will that generated that connection in 14.20.

As far as Chuck knew, his plans for Eileen to seduce Sam had failed, repeatedly. Between Cas’s cockblock entrance in 15.07 (which I still struggle to see as Sam ready to accept her proposition, for SO many reasons... I mean just look at his face in the first moments after it registers that she’s propositioning him. Those initial reactions are absolutely not undiluted romantic interest and passion, much as some creatively edited gif sets would lead you to believe.

I appreciate this one, with the further context of 15.09 to support my tag on it from the day after 15.07 aired.

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/189512551075

The look Eileen gives Cas is just screaming come on you believe me right? I’m completely innocent in all of this! Just nice little sweet resurrected Eileen! Like Chuck hadn’t expected Cas to show back up and interfere with his Seduce Sam for Manpain plan.

But that seduction scene actually hurts to watch... I mean, Sam is still feeling the guilt and pain over having killed Rowena, only to discover all of her worldly possessions and magic had been entrusted to him (and not yet knowing that specific spell to resurrect Eileen had been planted by Chuck as a deliberate manipulation in itself...). LOOK AT THIS SERIES OF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EXPLAIN HOW THIS IS ROMANTIC INTEREST AND NOT GRIEF AND SHOCK:

https://canonspngifs.tumblr.com/post/189663948344/adaav-sam-winchester-15x07

Okay, now that’s out of the way, back to Eileen.

Why did they make this particular choice for her character instead of developing a real relationship with Sam and Eileen? Because she was never written with the intent of becoming Sam’s endgame love interest.

Full stop.

Anyone who says otherwise is either choosing to believe that because it props up their chosen ship or they’re unaware of the numerous times that Robbie Thompson has contradicted that statement.

I mean, I don’t usually quote this source, but this is Robbie Thompson speaking recently (within the last year) specifically about the creation of Eileen’s character:

Next up: Eileen and Shoshannah. Did they specifically want a woman hunter?

Robbie: No, it was just, they were looking for standalone episodes. So what will happen is the showrunners will come around and say, “Hey, we need a myth-arc episode. Please deliver X, Y, and Z, but build an episode around it. Or [do] a standalone.” I had this idea for this character and I had worked with Shoshannah, sort of tangentially, because I was the writer’s assistant and I wrote an episode of Jericho. She wasn’t in the episode that I wrote but she played Bonnie on that show and (this is a spoiler if you haven’t seen Jericho) her character has an untimely death. But Shoshannah was so good in the series, and she was so terrific in that episode. She’s a badass in that episode, with a whole infiltration thing and she’s blowing dudes away with a shotgun, and I was like, “Oh, I wanna see her kick some ass.” I always wanted to work with her again. So I pitched the episode with that character in mind, and then I was like, “I’d love to work with Shoshannah again.” They reached out and she fortunately had a window in her schedule; she was available.

Then I reached out, I think originally through her manager, to say, “Hey, can you put us in touch because I’m not deaf and I want to make sure I’m getting an authentic experience for the performer.” So she and I exchanged a bunch of emails. She’s since gone on to be a showrunner and a writer in her own regard. She’s a really, really brilliant writer and a brilliant actor as well. It was great being able to get her the script early so she could help me fix the parts that didn’t work. Then, on the day, she and Jared had really great chemistry and John Badham, who was the director of that episode ("Into the Mystic" 11.11), they really played around and found a lot of fun moments that weren’t scripted at all. That was just them having fun and building moments.

All those cute chemistry moments... were never even scripted. She was intended to be a one-off character that was unsurprisingly very well loved by fandom, and who was brought back when the overarching plot made her MoL connection relevant to the story in 12.17. Unfortunately for her, that meant her ONLY purpose for returning to the story was literally to be killed for Sam’s manpain. They gave her just enough cute chemistry with Sam to imply they had the potential for a romantic connection, and then killed her in one of the most brutal and horrific ways possible. Which was literally exactly what Chuck used her for in s15.

I’d like to suggest that, knowing the full truth of her entire situation, that the sinister parallel being suggested in 15.07 is not between Cas and Eileen, but between Eileen and Lee Webb. Sam’s history with her is similarly tragic to Dean’s history with Lee. And Lee represented a version of an apple pie life that tempted Dean-- the prospect of having food, fun, health, and happiness instead of the grind of hunting. Only it was a lie, because Lee hadn’t made that life for himself, he’d built it off the magic of a creature he sacrificed an endless stream of human lives to in order to falsely manipulate his own circumstances. The cake is a lie, in other words. Just like the cheerful hangover breakfast Sam and Eileen were preparing at the beginning of the episode. It just... wasn’t real. We were being urged to consider this parallel. And not seeing it for what it was required having some heavy duty ship goggles glued on.

This was doubled-down on in 15.08, with Sam being a bit overbearing and nearly getting himself killed in the opening hunt, pushing Eileen to their “agreement,” which additionally foiled Chuck’s plans to push them together romantically. Eileen couldn’t spy on Sam for Chuck if she still retained enough independence to set boundaries like that, you know? If she didn’t have eyes on the Winchesters, she wasn’t useful for what Chuck was using her for, and she was punished for that failure as much as Sam was, being forced to hurt Sam in 15.09.

Heck. This is how I’ve always seen all of this. If folks enjoy assuming some Grand Romance between Sam and Eileen, more power to them. But honestly I just can’t personally see the justification in canon for that read on things. Not to say that Sam and Eileen won’t choose to come to a different understanding in the future, or that their relationship couldn’t develop into something more once Chuck has been dealt with, but I can’t see it as romantic yet. I’d be totally down to ship them in that eventuality. And in fanon, I’m totally here for it even now.

#spn 15.06 #spn 15.07 #spn 15.08 #spn 15.09 #chuck's process #once again i'm just relieved i'm not the only one seeing it this way #seriously i encourage everyone to really look at that gif set i linked of sam's reaction to the proposition #show it to someone who hasn't seen the episode and tell them this is his reaction to being propositioned #by a beautiful woman who he has a lot of personal chemistry with #and ask if they think he's dtf... no one in their right might would say yes #madamoftime

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kirschkid · 3 years

Text

Filling the holes (1)

Cas in the empty

Characters: Cas, The Empty, Michael, Death (not really...), God

Words: 1,576

A/N: I want to fill some holes. Let’s start with Cas! Besides: First FF in english ever!

For a second, it was cold, like when you go outside the house on a winter night, and the freezing air enters your face first. Then, there was nothing.

Cas felt the last tear running from his face, down his cheek.

He did it.

He took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts when he heard laughter. As he turned around, trying to pinpoint the direction, the Empty appeared just a few meters away from him. But she was not alone. While sitting on her throne, in form of Meg, grinning in triumph, Death was standing right in front of her: Swathed in black, flickering vines.

"Today is my lucky day! Not only one, but two treats for me."

The Empty looked at Cas while her smile seemed to become bigger and bigger. "What a heartwarming performance, Castiel. This really was the sweetest death of all. So happy you got me a present. Do me a favor, be a good little angel, and wait a minute." Looking at Death again, she added, "It will only talk me a second."

Castiel opened his mouth, but before his lips could form an answer, he felt a strong force pulling him back. He flew backward before gravity hit, forcing him to lie on the ground.

"He is alive," was the first thing that pooped into his head. Death being here in the empty meant, he really had accomplished the one thing, the angel had wanted all this time: Dean being safe.

As he sat up, Castiel looked confused. The Empty and Death were nowhere to find. He was alone. Normally Castiel would stand up, walk around, try to find a way out, another person to talk to, or search for the Empty. But not this time. There was no way out, this time was just the end.

He felt at peace with it but was hurting too. All things must come to an end. He has had so many chances, so many reruns, he should have felt good. But the very human emotion of missing another person lay over his heart, making it difficult to breathe.

That's it.

Castiel wasn't sure for how long he was sitting there, thinking about the last hours, trying not to worry about Chuck being still out there. Then he wondered Why he even was awake. The angel didn't know that Jack's explosion had caused the whole empty to awaken. So he figured it was the Empty, keeping him up for fun or torture.

Suddenly Castiel felt chills like someone was watching him.

"Death promised me to sleep again, but her whole plan made it worst." The Empty appeared in front of the angel, covered in blood. "I can barely hold it together. And since I couldn't vent on sweet little Jack, you will do for now!"

What the Empty hated most about Castiel was simultaneously something she envied. He was this little, always confident, being. The one who escaped. The one who got to wake up and leave.

"Here are a lot of family members awake, Castiel. Some of them would love to have a chat with you. Remember the time you were God? Or the time when you decided it's a good idea to kill angels? But don't you worry, I want you all for myself!"

"Awake? Where are they?"

"I knew you would ask. But don't bother, every single angel, demon, and creation in between, talking and thinking, is getting to me for quite some time now, but I have them separated. Don't wanna start a revolution, right Cas?" She was grinning. "It's like tinnitus. I hate it!"

Castiel still tried to process all the information he had been given when the Empty came closer, standing right in front of him. Her eyes seemed cold and mad. "Before we come to the fun part, tell me what is going on out there? Is God still droll old Chuck?"

There was no point in hiding information. And it felt like it would help to give some closure to talk about it. So Castiel told the Empty about what had happened. Then he asked about Death but got no answer to that.

"So, Chuck is pissed, and now a whole lot of people are disappearing?" The Empty sounded annoyed. "Why is everything about these two silly apes? This crush god has on them is getting out of hand. I guess you thought you could save Dean for good by sacrificing yourself, right? But let me tell you something, little angel, there is no tomorrow, so why bother?"

Castiel looked offended. "They will find a way! They always do." His hope was strong.

"Yeah yeah, whatever,” the Empty replied. "All things considered I need to prepare myself for what's to come. So my sweet revenge on you has to wait. You will wait here, and when I come back, you will suffer in all ways possible!" The next moment the Empty was gone, and again the angel was alone. Sitting in the dark. With a smile.

He was safe.

Dark, cold, and silent. Castiel didn't know how much time had passed when he suddenly heard a noise. It came from the right. Or was it the left? He wasn't sure.

"Well, look at that!" Castiel knew that voice. He finally stood up, looked for the person, and finally saw him standing a few shadows away from him. "Micheal." Castiel was skeptical. Everyone here was alone that's what the Empty had told him.

"Castiel, I figured you would be here too after literally everybody is gone. So, this time for good, I guess?" He seemed depressed, no wonder after he just got killed by his own father, trying to be the good boy one last time. He was ashamed.

"Why is it that you are here with me? The Empty told me that everybody here is awake but alone." Castiel was still unsure what to make out of this situation. But the archangel didn't really care about this. "No idea what you are talking about. Maybe the Empty is too caught up in reasoning with dad. It allowed Lucifer to leave with another reaper, so dad could get his hands on his death book. I didn't like that very much. I still don't get why he would choose him over me. I could have helped!" Michael sighed. "I will never get the old man."

"Chuck loves playing with his toys. You should know by now, that you are just a joy as well. We all are. Tell me, what about Sam and Dean? Is Jack ok?" Castiel sounded rough like he always did but Micheal could hear that he was worried. He had learned a lot about human behavior through Adam. "Last time I saw them, their plan to hurt our father had failed. I guess whatever end dad wants, he will get it quickly. Why do you care so much, Castiel?" The archangel looked at this brother in surprise. "When you showed me what dad did all these years, I could,” he hesitated, “ feel your passion about Dean. All the things you have done to protect him. For what? You are an angel, he is just a human, why-" Castiel interrupted him before he could finish the question. "Do you feel nothing when you think about Adam? He was human too, you know. I have nothing to say to you about this topic. I did what I had to do. And I have faith that all of it will end well."

"Good for you!" The Empty suddenly appeared next to Michael, who looked at her and stepped backward. "Not sure how you managed to get here, but this is not your story anymore, so please, do me a favor and rot over there!" The next moment Michael was gone. Then her focus went to Castiel. "Looks like the old god isn't so bad after all. Once he is finished with the Winchesters, I will go back to sleep. Until then, let's have some fun!" The Empty started grinning while Castiel felt a deep pain in his chest. He started to stumble, gasping for air. "Ah, I've waited all this time just to see you hurt, I don't even know where to start! I could make you choke for eternity or rip you apart forever. Any suggestions?"

Castiel tried to answer, but the pain was too intense.

"Yeah, I know. Everything is good as long as it hurts!" And the Empty took all the time she needed. After nearly endless torture, she loosened her grip and Castiel fell to the ground. Blood was running out of his nose and eyes. His breath was trembling but he smiled. There was nothing to worry about. No matter what would happen to him, he knew, deep down everything that really mattered would play out just fine. Because Dean, Sam, and Jack were still out there. He just knew. Relieved that the pain had stopped, he closed his eyes and heard the Empty mumble, "What?"

Pulling his head up as quickly as possible to look at what was happening, everything around him just went from black to white. Castiel narrowed his eyes to a slit, trying to see, but it took him a few seconds to adjust. Although he had never lost his faith, he was still surprised when he suddenly heard something: "Hello Cas." Someone was standing right in front of him. "J-jack." Castiel felt relief, wonder, and joy all at once.

#Supernatural #SPN #Fanfiction #FF #SPN FF #Castiel #the empty #filling the holes #Season 15 #after episode 19 #tell me what you think #i will fix this

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