#bc if im overthinking my brain just. Refuses. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onovnii · 3 years

Note

I love ur writing :) could we see something with the brothers finding a gn!MC frustrated bc they can't sleep? thank you!

# mc cant sleep

feat. mammon , leviathan , satan , asmodeus , beelzebub , belphegor x gn!mc

summary. how the brothers react and help mc sleep!

cw. fluff , swearing

author n. this took a bit but here you go !! ^^

maybe it was to the new environment or the endless shenanigans the brothers were up to during the ‘day’ but something was keeping you up. no matter how much you toss and turn, flip the pillow over to the ‘cool’ side, you just couldn’t sleep!

the tiredness in your body and your brain refusing to just shut off was a contradicting feeling and quite frankly, it was getting annoying. frustrated, you got up from your bed and thought what other way than to go to your favorite demon for help?

mammon.

▸ knowing he never fucking locks the door, you walked your candy ass in there.

▸ expecting to see him asleep, you were surprised to just see mammon lounging around in his room.

▸ both of you gave the other a questioning look, the answer already clear but apparently had to be asked anyway.

“mc?? why’re you here? …couldn’t sleep huh? yea, i get the feelin’”

▸ mammon rubbed the back of his neck with a sigh.

▸ he got up from his seat on the bed and walked up to you

▸ he asked if you wanted help sleeping

▸ you said yes (a little embarrassed) but after hearing that, he’d bring you over to the bed and cuddle you :(

▸ you were laying on top of him with his arms loosely around you.

“ya know, back when my brothers were still little— especially the twins, they’d have trouble sleeping too.”

▸ he’d start, hands either be mindlessly playing with your hair or the hem of your shirt

“so whenever they did, most of the time they’d go to lucifer. occasionally though, they would come to me for help. you wanna know what i did?”

“i would hold them just like this til’ they fell asleep. some of the more needy ones would ask me to sing for em. you ain’t gonna make me sing, are ya?”

▸ mammon said that last part with a lighthearted laugh.

▸ you asked him to continue talking, his voice having a calming affect on you.

▸ happy to know his method is working, he’d tell you selective stories about his brothers, himself (though they were obviously exaggerated), or mundane things that happened in the devildom.

▸ you ended up falling asleep in his arms with a small smile.

▸ mammon felt he was falling in love all over again 😣

leviathan.

▸ you texted him asking if he was awake before heading to his room.

▸ you already knew the answer but it was your way of letting him mentally prepare before barging into his space

▸ a few minutes went by and you got a response.

‘uhh yea. what’s up lol?’

▸ you smiled at that, knowing levi had a habit of adding “lol” to the end of his sentences so he appears somewhat nonchalant. (the reason he takes so long to answer is bc he’s overthinking his response T_T”)

▸ you ask if it’s okay if you come into his room.

▸ levi responds with something along of lines of “yes” and “wait at the door”

▸ anyway, you make it to his room and softly knock.

▸ the door makes the ‘click’ sound and you let yourself in.

▸ levi’s shly standing behind the door. awkwardly looking at you and his messy ass room

▸ he lets out a nervous laugh when you notice the state it’s in

“o..oh mc… haha… i wasn’t really expecting to see you tonight…sorry… i can clean up!— if you want i mean..uh-“

▸ you’ll never get over how cute he is when acting so awkward..

▸ you tell him its fine and mention your little problem.

“are you sure it was a good idea to come to me of all people?? …n-not that i’m upset or anything.. im glad you’re here and all it’s just…i dont think i’ll be the biggest…uh…help…”

▸ you kiss his cheek and say you came here because you wanted to see him

▸ cue levi malfunctioning 😔😔

▸ levi brings you over to the set up in front of the tv, giving you a spare controller

“w-well… when i cant sleep, i tend to just…do something until i get tired. maybe you should try it too? don’t worry, i’ll um, stay with you…”

▸ both of you end up playing a relatively easy and calm game

▸ it ends up making you even more tired

▸ after your fifth yawn, levi offers to call it a night.

▸ agreeing, you snuggle up to him (he silently freaks out :)

▸ unsure of what to do, levi drapes one of the blankets laying on the floor on you.

▸ he knows his room tends to get cold and he doesn’t want you freezing…

▸ it takes a bit of courage, but he kisses your forehead and tells you goodnight.

▸ ends up sleeping beside u <3

satan.

▸ you were usually hesitant to knock on the fourth-born’s door. especially at night

▸ you never knew if you were going to interrupt something really important or something of mild interest.

▸ either way, satan always welcomed you with open arms so you figured it should be fine…probably

▸ after knocking, you heard some shuffling from the other side

▸ once open, satan was surprised to see you standing there awkwardly

▸ though, he figured out the reason relatively quickly.

“…can’t sleep? haha, thought so. come, i think i can help.”

▸ satan has spent a few nights reading about human behavior and habits.

▸ while he struggles with sleeping himself, he understands his needs are a lot different from yours.

▸ instead of going by book though, satan offers his own sleep method.

“reading calms me, it’s why i like it so much. something about a good story can really put you in a good mood. i actually have a few books i tend to read before bed, what if i read them to you?”

▸ satan calls you over to his bed, cleaning it and getting all the books off beforehand (surprising.)

▸ he has you on his lap, cuddled up to his chest.

▸ he begins to read a lighthearted story.

▸ because satan is using a sweet and rather hushed voice, it leaves you feeling weirdly calm

▸ not to mention that satan always has the lingering scent of coffee beans for some reason, which only adds to the drowsiness youre experiencing

▸ barely paying attention to his words anymore, you ended up nodding off.

▸ when satan notice, he chuckled lightly before wrapping his arms around your body

▸ kissed your forehead and said goodnight.

▸ it was the best sleep both of you had tbh

asmo.

▸ coming to asmo is one of the better ideas.

▸ he always knows what to do

▸ though, you were scared you were going to interrupt his sleep…you know how he gets about his sleep….

▸ yes, asmo was a little upset to be waken up, not bothering to put any clothes he just opened the door as is

▸ but when he saw you at the door, his frown quickly became a smile as he pulled you in

“mc! what a lovely surprise! what brings you here— oh! i know, you couldn’t wait til the day to see me right? aww, i missed you too-!”

▸ after kissing your face a bunch, asmo puts on one of his robes and asks why you’re really here

▸ you tell him you cant sleep and he has a concerned look on his face.

“oh no… that’s not good. you humans need your sleep, dont you? hmm…ah! i know just the thing. come close, i wont bite”

“i’ve heard that when you can’t sleep, it’s sometimes caused by stress. let’s relieve some of that tension, hmm?”

▸ asks you to take off your shirt (he wont try anything. pinkie promise)

▸ after he tells you to lay flat on your stomach, he begins to massage your back.

▸ honestly, you weren’t even aware you were so stressed…

▸ it was probably due to the fact you’re a human constantly surrounded by demons.

▸ either way, asmo knoowsss how to work with his hands.

▸ he seems to know every spot that needs the most attention without you having to point it out

▸ with his help, you end up feeling much more relaxed than before.

▸ it doesn’t help that because his hands are so soft, it leaves you feeling airy and like you have butterflies in your stomach.

▸ you didn’t even realize the noises you were making

▸ asmo took it as a sign of it working and was very giddy about it.

▸ after it was all said and done, he gave you your shirt back.

▸ asmo offered to sleep together ^^

▸ not wanting to leave him just yet, you obviously said yes.

▸ now you have a very happy demon in your hands.

▸ cuddling with asmo is one of the best feelings anyone can experience

▸ despite his hands wandering, he keeps it innocent.

▸ hands moving up from your thighs to your sides,

▸ caressing your cheek to gently playing with your hair.

▸ something about his touch made you even more tired.

▸ happy to know he helped, asmo fell asleep shortly after you.

beel.

▸ when you came to beel, he was one of the more sympathetic brothers.

▸ he understood not being able to sleep for one reason or another

▸ his being he was just too hungry and his hunger pains kept him up.

▸ since beel has experience with this, he offers the method he uses.

▸ which is food ofc 🙁… offers to make you something to eat, hoping it might help.

▸ figuring it wouldn’t help to try, you agree.

▸ beel remembers belphie off-handedly mentioning that humans sometimes consume something warm to help relax them.

▸ beel has made tea before, the calming type for lucifer or satan who both suffer from terrible sleep habits.

▸ he has also made warm milk for his brothers before (levi 😯)

▸ he asks which one you’d prefer.

▸ whichever you chose, he makes it for you.

▸ his urge to take it himself was subsided by his need to help you. that need was stronger than any urge he’s had.

▸ anyway, once he gives it to you, beel asks if you’d like to sleep the rest of the night with him.

▸ agreeing, bc who wouldn’t, he smiles at this and picks you up

“don’t worry, you can just fall asleep on the way if you need too. i’ll take care of you, okay?”

▸ being held by beel is one of the most loving feelings you could ever experience.

▸ when carrying you, he’s careful with you.

▸ the affect of the drink begins to take effect as he takes you back to his bed.

▸ the warm feeling being spread around your body is enough to make your eyelids heavy.

▸ when in bed, beel lays you ontop of him.

▸ occasionally kissing the crown of your head, you eventually fell asleep in his arms.

▸ he thought you were so cute…

▸ you’re more than likely smaller than him in comparison

▸ he feels happy to be relied on, especially by you

▸ sleeps happily knowing you came to him

belphie.

▸ the best and obvious choice.

▸ not even bothering to knock, you made your way to the attic where you knew he was there.

▸ best way to wake up belphegor is to tickle him.

▸ the sudden feeling is enough to wake him, (even though he’s aware you’re there already)

▸ he is grumpy at first, but seeing you turns his face into something more neutral

“…huh? mc? why are you here? …can’t sleep? hmm, i see. well, come here then.”

▸ makes space for you next to him

▸ once you’re cuddled next to him he uses his power to make you feel sleepy.

▸ doesn’t tell you this , but you know.

▸ belphie usually sleeps with his demon form out, too lazy to maintain it

▸ so his tail, the soft part, is laid on you.

▸ he’s careful with it though, because of the prickly barbs

▸ for the most part, you don’t mind.

▸ it doesn’t take long for you to sleep

▸ but belphie takes the extra step and controls what kind of dream you’re having

▸ he does have the power to intrude and talk to you there, so he kinda abuses it 😒

▸ you end up having a happy dream about the both of you going on a date.

▸ belphie’s happy you trusted him enough to help. he hopes you’ll come to him again…

▸ its a good excuse to hold you so close like this.

909 notes · View notes

schneesisterss · 3 years

Note

Do you have any head cannons for the other Dimitrescu sisters? I loved your takes on Cassandra!

thank you! <3 and Of Course I have headcannons for the other two. (though not as extensive as the ones I have for Cassandra bc you know... brain rot) BUT HERE:

Daniela:

ADD/ADHD representation

stims include, but not limited to: jumping, hard blinking, leg bouncing, word/phrase/noise repetition, and fidgeting with her clothing

and i’m also CONVINCED she gets the zoomies at random times of the day

Alcina, hearing loud and fast footsteps up and down her hallway at 3am: *sigh* “Daniela! Take it outside!”

followed by a loud THUMP and painful groan (she definitely ran into a wall)

hates loud noises but simultaneously has no volume control

especially when she gets excited

Cassandra has to constantly remind her to lower her voice

“AND THEN I TOOK MY KNIFE AND STABBED THE LYCAN IN THE NECK AND IT WAS SO COOL—”

“Dani, i’m standing right here, why are you yelling?”

she loves play-fighting with her sisters

Cassandra is more willing to entertain her than Bela but the both of them like to see their sister happy. so whenever they recognize Daniela getting antsy they’ll wrestle with her a bit

(Cassandra gets way to into it sometimes and makes Bela be the referee lol. Cass always ends up pinning her younger sister with a proud, competitive smile on her face. Bela let’s Dani win, but we don’t tell her that)

has the keenest senses of the three which makes her the best at stalking/killing pray

and since she can hear the best out of all of them, she unintentionally eves drops on conversations

so Daniela, bless her, has all the tea

tactile learner

will just. touch things

“Life hard, Mothers gown soft”

can get trapped in her own head and doesn’t know how to express to her family what’s bothering her

this can make her very reserved at times and she’ll distance herself for days on end

her mother is really the only person who knows how to get her out of that state. Alcina walks up the long flight of stairs to the highest point of her castle. her youngest daughter likes to come here sometimes when she needs the quiet. “Daniela? Are you up here?”

“Hello, Mother.” Alcina looks up to see her daughter lounging on a banister high up on the ceiling.

“What are you doing up there, my love?” Daniela rubs the fabric of her dress between her fingers. “Cassandra and Bela were arguing again. I don’t like when Cassandra yells.”

Alcina shakes her head. Those two were always going at it. She’ll speak to Bela about it later. “I haven’t seen you in a few days.” Daniela then grabs a fist full of her dress and tugs at it, blinking hard. “Come down for a moment. Talk to me, baby.”

and Daniela simply rolls herself off the banister and into free fall. Alcina, already prepared, catches her with ease and holds her bridal style against her chest. Daniela runs her hands over the sleeve of her mother’s dress.

Alcina gave her youngest child time to gather her thoughts, knowing it sometimes takes longer for her to be able to understand them herself. Daniela finally spoke up: “It’s been very loud recently. Around the castle. Small things, like footsteps or glasses clicking, they sound so loud in my head.” She covers her ears with her hands. “Even now I can still hear Cassandras voice through the castle, it’s pushing in my ears. My head hurts, Mother.”

Alcina gave her daughter a quick squeeze before setting her down. “Follow me baby, I want to show you something.” Daniela followed her Mother through the twists and turns of the castle until they ended up at a door that was just like all the others. It blended in and maybe that’s why Daniela has never noticed it before. “In here.” her mother guided.

Inside was a small library and lounge room. A fire place tucked in the corner and, of course, a wall a wine next to it. Daniela looked at her Mother questioningly.

“Listen.” her mother said, and Daniela did. She heard... nothing. Nothing outside of the quiet cracking of the fire place. “This room is sound proofed. Come here whenever you feel overwhelmed.” She leaned down to stroke her daughters head. “Just don’t tell your sisters I showed you my secret getaway room.” and with a wink, the tall woman exited the room and shut the door behind her.

The next day Daniela was at breakfast like nothing had changed. She didn’t even mind when Cassandra yelled at a maiden for breaking a plate, it only made her laugh.

(if you get overstimulated you KNOW what i’m talking about)

personal space? never heard of her.

loves to cling to Belas arm and Bela let’s her bc she thinks it’s just. so cute.

will also sometimes just crawl into her mothers lap and fall asleep. then Alcinas like: “well.. i guess i’m not moving for three hours”

Daniela: “if I run an jump at Cassandra, she’ll most certainly catch me.” *takes off in a full blown sprint*

Cassandra: “NO IM HOLDING HOT TEA—” *drops tea to catch Daniela* *proceeds to cuss her younger sister out, all while Dani is wrapped around her like a koala*

(this happens a lot. Dani will just... climb on Cassandra. piggy back rides, getting on her shoulders, wrapping her hands around her neck from behind and letting her feet drag on the floor, etc. Cassandra complains adamantly but never once moves to get her off)

Cassandra: “hey Dani, I dare you too—”

Bela: “Mother said Daniela isn’t allowed to accept dares anymore.”

Daniela: “apparently I have ‘no regard for my personal safety.’”

it takes a lot for Daniela to get genuinely angry, but when she does, it’s.... bad.

Very Very Scary when mad

turns into a completely different person that you Do NOT want to fuck with

dangerous and violent

much more dark and sadistic as compared to her normal personality

came home one night covered in blood and laughing hysterically. it scared the shit out of her sisters bc if they would try and get close, she’d slash at them with her weapon.

(this was one of the only times Bela had seen Cassandra genuinely worried and afraid for their sister)

when Alcina came to see what was wrong, Daniela, still laughing madly, swung at her too. Cassandra quickly shot out her arm and grabbed Belas elbow to stop her from getting involved. Bela whipped around with a growl but Cassandras glare and squeezing nails told her to back down. Mother can handle it.

Insane Laugh™️

thinks it’s funny to intimidate the maidens by showing her fangs and snapping her jaw

she often likes to find Bela when she’s reading a book to convince her to read to her (Bela almost always complies)

that’s it for Daniela. just a hyperactive baby with a murder streak <3 ONTO THE FINAL SISTER

Bela:

Mama’s (and I cannot stress this enough) Girl

needs constant reassurance that’s she’s doing a good job and yes this reassurance can ONLY come from her mother

INSOMNIAC

this girl never sleeps, pls baby you need some rest

she spends the time she should be sleeping reading books or running errands for her mother (whether Alcina asked her to or not)

she has read almost every single book in their giant library

Cassandra doesn’t understand this at all

“Why are you always cooped up in here?” Bela glanced up over the pages of her book at her younger sister. “This is the library Cassandra. Take a wild guess.” her voice was completely level and had no inflection. Cassandra gritted her teeth, “You think your so much better than me.” Bela sighed and closed her book. She didn’t want to do this again. “No. I don’t.” she said seriously. Cassandra eyed her for a moment then looked away, Bela saw the guilt on her face before she turned on her heal. “You’re so boring.”

because she reads so much, she is incredibly smart and just knows facts about random things

Daniela, daydreaming: “I wonder why grass is green.”

Bela, immediately: “the pigment that most grasses produce, Chlorophyll, absorbs almost all blue and red light and reflects green light which is why we see green. so I mean, technically grass is every single color EXCEPT for green.

Dani, confused as fuck: ....

Cass: “Bitch, how do you even know that?”

Bela’s sisters just end up using her as Google

“Hey Bela, how far away is the moon?” “238,900 miles.”

“Hey Bela, how many different climates are there?” “Twelve”

“Hey Bela, what’s the worlds deadliest poison?” “Botulinum... why?” “No reason.” “Dani. WHY?”

“Hey Bela, how much can I sell a human skull on the black market for?” Bela, concerned: “Cassandra why would—” “HOW MUCH?” “Well... are all the teeth still in tact?” “...No.” “Than only about $500.” “FUCK.”

“Hey Bela, I have this weird rash on my back and—” “Daniela. Do not finish that sentence. Go ask Mother.”

she is so quiet

and not just because she doesn’t talk very loud or even much at all. she’s just So. Silent. when she moves

just pops up in random places without anyone hearing her approach

even Daniela can’t hear her coming, which is saying something

Cassandra, minding her own business, drinking blood tea: .....

Bela, suddenly right next to her: “Hey I was wondering if— stop screaming, it’s me— have you seen Mothers lipstick? It’s missing.”

refuses any type of help with anything or else she feels like she failed that task

Never asks for help, Never asks for favors, and Never Ever will burden her Mother with any of her problems. Ever.

(Alcina thinks this is ridiculous. her eldest daughter pushes herself too hard.)

Anxiety™️

sometimes when her anxiety becomes too much she shuts down and becomes very indifferent to things around her. this has caused many fights between herself and Cassandra because Cass will get really fired up when all Bela does is respond with a monotone voice and blank stare.

overthinks literally everything and is a perfectionist

this makes her prone to panic attacks :(

when this happens she shuts herself in her room, not wanting to bother her Mother or sisters

Bela closes her bedroom door behind her and stumbles to her knees. she can’t seem to get air into her lungs no matter how hard she tried. she had failed. Mother asked her to bring her the head of that stupid man-thing, but somehow he knew their weakness.

how could he know? are Cassandra and Daniela ok? where are they? where is Mother?

Belas breathing was shallow and short, her chest burns as she presses her forehead into the ground. She claws the skin of her chest raw, leaving angry, red marks behind, desperately trying to open her lungs.

she stays as quiet as she can, only gasping few and far between. she will not be a burden. she should deal with the consequences of her failure. alone.

a sudden knock on her door makes her scramble backwards on her bottom till her back hits the opposite wall. then Belas worst nightmare, her Mothers voice.

“Bela?! Bela, is that you?” Alcinas words were rushes and worried. the door handle jiggled. “Bela, baby the door is locked, please let me in.” Bela covered her mouth and cried silently while her Mother begged to be let in.

the sound of snapping wood had Belas eyes flying open, her Mother had broken down the door. Bela shrunk into herself. She’s going to be so mad. I’m a failure. the ringing in her ears became so intense she couldn’t hear anything else.

large, soft hands cup her cheeks and a muffled voice through the air: “Bela, my love, you’re alright thank god. Are you hurt anywhere? Let me see.”

Bela pushed weakly at her Mothers arms and said between sobs, “I-I’m sorry, M-Mother.”

Alcina looked at her eldest daughter with confusion, she had no physical wounds, but the look on her face was heartbreaking. “What are you sorry for, my love?” this only made Belas breathing spend up even more, her face red from the lack of oxygen. Alcina quickly pulled her in close.

“Now Bela, listen to the sound of my voice,” she said it gently but just hard enough to grab her daughters attention. “I need you to copy my breath. Do it now, love, listen to me. Do what i’m telling you to.” Alcina took exaggerated breaths and noticed that instantly after her command, Bela had tried to follow, but the smaller girls breath was still choppy and small. Alcina rubbed a thumb across Belas cheek. “You’re doing so well baby. Keep going just like that. Good girl.” a smaller hand was placed on her arm and grabbed at her sleeve. “Good baby, use me to ground yourself. Keep breathing now, you’re doing so good.” Alcina kept whispering soft encouragements and praises until her daughters breathing was back to normal and she was laying limp on her chest.

Alcina moved the hair away from Belas face. “What a good girl, you did so well.” Bela squeezed her eyes shut and pushed into her Mother until her face was hidden. “I’m sorry Mother.” came a muffled apology, though her voice was much more steadier than before. “I failed you, I couldn’t stop the man-thing. He shot at the windows! He knows our weakness, Mother. What are we going to do? Where’s Daniela and Cassandra, are they ok? I should have stopped him for you I’m so sorry I—”

“Quiet.” Bela immediately seals her lips and looks away, already extracting herself from her Mother’s arms. She probably hates her. Alcina simple tugs her back and forces Bela to look in her eyes with a quick tap to the forehead. “Bela, I need you to listen to me very carefully.” Her daughters eyes go wide and she nods. “You have nothing to apologize for. This is not you’re fault and I will not allow you to think that way. Plus, the man-thing won’t bother us any longer, I took care of it.”

“But—” Alcina raises an eyebrow and Bela gives in, nodding hesitantly. “Good girl.” Bela exhales through her nose at the phrase and squeezes her Mother’s sleeve again. They sit like that for a few more moments, calming down.

Bela suddenly shoots up. “Daniela, Cassandra, are they—” “They’re fine my dear, Daniela got a little banged up, but Cassandra was already patching her up before I could even get close. We didn’t know where you were, that’s why I was so worried.” Bela relaxed and again nuzzled her nose into her Mother’s chest, took one more deep breath, then stood. “I’m going to go check on them.”

She steps through the now empty door frame and pauses. She spoke without turning around: “I won’t fail you again, Mother.” and shifts into a cloud of flies and disappears.

(am I projecting again? idk help)

can play the piano

no like you don’t understand, she is so good at piano

this girl has mastered songs by composers like Liszt, Beethoven, and Ravel

she’ll play for hours on end, if she starts a new piece she Will Not get up until she can play it through perfectly

she pretends not to notice Cassandra secretly listening to her play, hidden behind a nearby bookshelf

while her younger sisters always jump head first into a fight, Bela takes a more calculating approach. learning her enemies movements from afar before advancing and ending it in like 3 quick moves.

“Well Bela, if Mother asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

Bela, already climbing over the railing: “Hm?”

and there you go for Bela! my sweet child.. please learn self-care.

*ahem* I went overboard again didn’t I? WELP. I regret nothing. Give me more headcannons.

572 notes · View notes

txicgf · 2 years

Text

also god ok i have to talk bout it somewhere cuz i sm losing my mind and don't have anyone to even hypothetically talk about this cuz it's me on some bullshit i don't want to be on that will go away in a couple of days and is probably why i feel so weird rn. so. gonna use the initials for people still cuz i feel weird naming names even if this is pretty private lol. but. UGH con was really fun with K and everything!!! and i had a good time with my FRIEND and i want her to stay my FRIEND. but here i am,,, feeling weird and overthinking because i am weak and letting myself feel like i am not over her bc she said she thinks she's gay but like for real now . . . it doesbt mean anything at ALL and she isnt attracted to me and im not attracted to her but my brain likes to cling onto any sign of familiarity and for a second it felt like my shitty monkey brain could latch onto her again in that way — or at least that's my hypothesis rn. i kept catching myself falling into my old think patterns about the idea of her being gay and wanting to Not Be Over It, as I never seem to really let go. but i absolutely refuse to go through that shit again with anyone, not A, not K not anyone. maybe i have the remnants of a crush on her and maybe that explains my nervousness around her, but also no it is not a crush on her . my brain keeps wanting to say its a crush on her, but my logic reminds me of all the times she'd had a bf but was ""into me"" and homecoming and the fact that i just kind of don't know how to act around her without that element of romantic feelings because I'd had a crush on her since before we were friends. i KNOW all of these things logically, and for once I want to follow my logic gut. I do not want to pursue a relationship with her if that ever were to pop up again, i don't want to pursue a relationship with anyone and especially not someone from before and especially not someone i actually care about.

my brain keeps trying to slip me up and keeps trying to fall back into those patterns, and i keep just shoving down the nagging little voice at the back of my head. i used to think that that little voice told me the "truth" or how i really felt, but in my experience with A I've come to realize that little voice is simply naive and thinks with her cooch. OR it's outright trying to make me self destruct. that little nagging voice is what gets me in terrible situations and gets my heart broken. i absolutely refuse to let another girl break my heart more than once, i will NEVER ever go through what happened with A again in any form, even if that means realizing oh shit! i do have feelings for k and i have to cut it off again for a bit. or forever. idk. thinking about the possibility of having feelings for k at all just scares and worries me and it feels nice to think about in the moment but those kinds of relationships only spell out pain and having to readjust to a new normal once again when it doesn't work out. K's place in my life and my relationship with her and our memories are just really well intertwined with ,,, like all of me now. down to my obsession with pink and green . i would never be able to handle pursuing it even in hypothetical and i never would be able to handle her seeing all of me and having the chance to get sick of it. i am everything she doesn't want, and she is everything i do not need. she is my favorite friend and probably my closest (sans aiden lol) but we can only function platonically. i know that. ive known that.

i simply spent too much time with her again and mullet boy graduated so i don't have anyone to think about instead. i need to acquire my next comphet crush so i can keep being over it i think lmaooooo but i am actually over it at least in the sense that i don't want it and am not interested in her. i just have stupid patterns and feelings/stray thoughts moreso that im falling back into because she said she isn't happy in her relationship and might be a lez. that's it. that's the only reason im overthinking and it only started after she mentioned that, im so fuckin stupid for acting like it's more than that and making such a big deal out of something that will never be spoken to anyone else, will never affect my physical waking life in any real way, and will only be resolved by me and only me. it's my problem and it's going to be lost to time w/ me and that is a good thing . i am okay.

HOOO boy okay i think i got that brain worm out. we'll see.

#vent #k

1 note · View note

scarlethallow160 · 2 years

Text

as someone who was repeatedly on the receiving end of being used as an outlet by ex-friends talking about their love lives Constantly i refuse to subject anyone else to that

but i will also put a one-time cringefilled rambling post out

it has literally been so long since ive liked someone? the last person i “liked” was the only guy in my painting class i think like my freshman or sophomore year of college, and even then i just thought he was nice and like.....one of the hottest guys i’ve ever seen irl so i didnt technically like-like him bc we also barely interacted

but this is....different. i think he’s only been here like a month now? close to it? this was before my promotion so i didnt rly have to go out of my way to talk to anyone, so anytime someone starts chatting with me first at work i get pleasantly surprised, and hes pretty quiet so i was just like oh a nice new work acquaintance person to talk to at work?? when he’d occasionally talk to me (at my job sometimes even when ur working the same or similar shifts u may not ever see people lol). i’ve seen him talking with some other rly nice dudes at work i consider my work-friends so i thought maybe they mentioned me to him as one of the cool ppl at work and thats why he felt comfortable enough to start talking to me?

idk so whenever i’d see his name in the dash i’d be like oh cool x is here but again sometimes we’d rarely see each other cuz thats just how it is at work....but it is EXTREMELYYY rare that anyone shows any romantic interest in me--bc i was Absolutely the person assholes asked out as a joke in school--or any sort of interest really? so anytime someone (mostly guys if im being honest bc despite being queer, my brain can still be stuck in heteronormative ways....) goes out of their way to talk to me/be nice, i get like a little spasm in my brain?? and get a mixture of paranoia and anxiety thinking things like hm why are they talking to me? why are they being nice to me? are they just nice or do they like me/want something from me? shit like that. so whenever he’d talk to me i’d be like hmmmmmm why tho bc i overthink literally everything

and then one afternoon i was by myself finishing bagging my cart, and he was off already but when he walked past he was like “have a nice afternoon :)“ and i was like omg thanks u too?? bc even tho there are ppl i talk with at work, we dont usually say anything to each other when we pass in the store lol

i dont think me n the guy saw each other much after that or that thing happened where he’d be busy shopping and i’d be stuck in the box for us to interact much (and i also missed like three days a couple days ago from being really sick lmao) so yesterday when i saw we basically had almost the same shift cuz he was the 10pm and i was the closing specialist, i got happy bc initially i was like oh nice, one of the nice acquaintance ppl i talk to is here

but yesterday was a fucking shitshow and we were SO busy and honestly it was super disappointing cuz normally for closing shifts it gets chill and me and the other work ppl just relax and chat until closing so i was hoping that would happen but it didnt....and hes again pretty quiet so i cant tell if at times maybe hes too tired from the work to want to talk so i also dont want to bug him by trying to chat him up? but there was actually some moments that got chill where we were able to chat, and ive been wearing my dgd hat to work and it says their name on the back of it, and he saw it and asked if i listened to them and i was like !!!! bc ppl rarely have heard of them so i was kinda like oh shit wow hes actually heard of them and he mentioned that he i think listened to them in back high school?

(which.........if im being honest was kind of a relief to hear cuz that means hes not underage. but hopefully he’s like 20 or older bc i will feel shitty if i ended up liking a 19yearold without realizing it lmaooo and also at work its at the point where u literally cant tell how old some ppl are now)

but he mentioned he preferred another band i’d heard of in passing lol but then also i happened to look at him when his mask was kind of off, and i’d alrdy seen him without his mask before, but in that moment my brain spasm made me think ummm he kinda hot tho? and thats when i came to my extremely unfortunate realization.

and today his shift didnt start til much later, so technically if i had left my shift on time i wouldve seen him Maybe for an hour at most, but we were also rly fuckin busy today so i stayed a couple hours extra to help...and it fucking sucks now cuz anytime i saw him in the store, the monkey part of my brain would have that little spasm. and like...again i dont want to go out of my way to talk to him bc hes kinda hard to read on his mood but i also? Do want to talk to him when i can?? but at the same time i dont want to get my hopes up cuz ive literally never dated anyone before, and now that im a specialist and have like the tiniest bit of authority over the regular partners, id be worried if dating would even be allowed cuz we work in the same department, BUT AGAIN even thinking that is me getting my hopes up which i rly do not want to do.

this is so so so fucking stupid and cringey and embarrassing but even if nothing happens i kind of look forward now to seeing if we’ll have intersecting shifts? so in a weird cringey way i get kind of excited about future shifts and working now???

im trying to look on the bright side of things even if nothing happens lmaoaoao part of me also kind of wants to mention this to my friends who also work with me in case they....happen to hear of anything.....but at the same time i dont want them to see me talking to him/sending him out to shop knowing that i like him???

idk idk idk rambling about this shit helps even tho i also dont want anyone to see this and see how lame i’m being :))))))) this is literally such an unexpected turn of events. theres a guy in the produce department who made it clear he likes me but makes me uncomfortable (and also annoys me when he constantly tries to talk to me, tbh, hence my reservations abt wanting to talk to The Guy) with how....strong he comes on, and im like.........if someone were to like me could i pls change who it is hahahahhahahahah

things have been tough as of late so at least this is a Distraction?

it’s also a fucking sick joke bc our store puts out announcements congratulating the employees if they first started, if it’s their work anniversary, or their birthday, etc. and i saw one for The Guy last month bc he has the same birthday as my super shitty ex-friend/roommate lollllllllll

#i need to undergo electroshock therapy #i feel like im very rational and normal around him #but i still think the second my brain wants to have another spasm i should be electrocuted

1 note · View note

misterbitches · 3 years

Text

so far lovely writer is pretty tight like im halfway through the first ep. the video isnt compressed at 1080p they made sure, the sound is good, the editing is good too except or some things (the way they end transitions but also im high) and it’s funny and satirical. HOWEVER they HAVE to tone down the side effects. it doesnt even take away from the story that much because it’s interesting but it’s just enough to notice that it is fucking annoying. please blow up all editors of dumb tv shows sound buttons my god. whoever does the mixing for it or chooses to have that shit in there is a nightmare. i refuse to believe a self respecting editor who can make competent cuts so it’s a smooth watch (TRUST in these shows it’s fuckin hard my goodooodododioahgi GODsome editing) would choose to sully their shit with all this fucking noise

let it speak for itself and when you want levity USE IT! BUT SPARINGLY! MY GOD

but other than that this is a very small complaint. i was kind of annoyed at the concept but seeing it it’s a lot diff then what i had thought. å\

i find this interesting bc i cant tell if its’ a self drag and a read in general

i mean no i cna. it’s tongue in cheek and they know it’s bullshit. i wish they would have made that clearer but this was sf funny to me. fucking impossible illogical. i love it drag capitalism even if that’s not the intention

also lmao i didnt know what “my sis” meant in the context and i was totally lost when they were discussing cos i thought in the audition they were making fun of the need to be feminine and then the twerking bc i thought he looked dumb lmao but thte direcctor being like “I COULD SEE FROM OUTER SPACE HE’S A HOMO” i died

oh wait one more thing the product placement. it could be worse and i know they have specifics but theyve gotta find a better way to do this. it’s so distracting. just pick a franchise and have it everywhere instead of the closeups even tho thats also super annoying like the quiznos and subway era of kdramas

edit 2 just as i went back i saw some very strange cuts in a scene and half of it is the music and now im like hmm. but i think part of it is me overthinking. which is why film school is bad for your ugly brain!!!!!

nnot as bad as it could be but CLEAN IT UP it’s cos they let the sou nd lead them the fast cutting is extremely iUGLY WHYA RE THESE CHOICES BEING MADE i should do like a thing on editing in dramas because FUCK. when it’s effective it is effective i just dont understand this cutting right now in the middle of the episode

#lovely writer

1 note · View note

beaversatemygrandma · 2 years

Text

ough. getting brain shits together. Thinking about getting therapy and meds and shit while it starts snowing and i panic about that.

Okay. I need to get my shit together. I need to get my license already. But it was supposed to happen this month but it’s snowing. It’s Snowing right now. It snowed last weekend. And it looks like it’s going to keep going. I’m in the SOUTH that is Weird, right? Trust me. I can hardly drive in the rain. But snow. Just kill me. So im worried about setting an appointment for a test and then suddenly Snow And Ice. OOPS It’s All freezing rain! Thought snow was hard to drive in? Try freezing rain. And tyvm i dont want to try either.

i need to go an find a psychologist. But i’d rather go and do that while i have insurance now instead of doing telehealth while my family is right there in the house with the thin walls and zero privacy. I’m afraid to even talk on the phone with a friend in my room bc you can HEAR EVERYTHING. And that just takes me right back to the license thing.

I’m honestly thinking most of these things have to do with unchecked mental health now. I’ve never been properly medicated. The one time i was i made sure to only do it at work so i wouldn’t cry being yelled at by some lady during the post-church lunch rush. And it worked. I’d even step in for a coworker who was A MINOR Getting screamed at bc i could take it while on my meds and just leave a little shaken. I was confident. I was functioning. I could do things. And i wouldn’t take it outside of work bc i couldn’t get a refill. I had 30 pills to last me two months to find a place to get a prescription. And i had no insurance. And I couldn’t get one bc i couldn’t afford it. Therapy is fucking expensive. The pills are fucking expensive. Hell, it was $130 a bottle before i was able to pull out the goodrx and talk my way into a generic. FOR THIRTY PILLS. Not to mention the $80 to even get to talk to the doctor. And that was the only time i was ever on meds. All bc the other times i had been, my mom took them away for some unknown reason (which as an adult i now know. She fucking takes them Herself. At least she shared her stash and i have ‘in-case-of-panic-emergency pills’.) I’m honestly thinking lately that she’s the reason i cant get help for myself. “Drugs are bad. They mess up your emotions and the way your brain works. They aren’t the right way to do things. You can work past it.” etc, meditate, etc, do yoga, etc. Like bc of how much she refused to get me diagnosed or medicated no matter how much i was asking and telling her something was severely wrong with me. I tell people about the thing where she took my pills and I’d never finish a prescription and they’d always say “That’s not okay. That’s illegal. You should’ve taken your meds like your doctor told you.” and they’re right. And my mom was Very very wrong.

And then it just goes back to, am i blaming my problems on my parents? Did they really cause this? Am i just overthinking it? And everything points back and forth from ‘i need to get away for my own health’ to ‘that’s family they wouldn’t do that to you’ when it’s obvious they did and would. I got emotionally better while i was away. I was living with my ex’s family and i learned what a real mother acts like. I learned what that unconditional love looks like and realized i never had it. The woman even called me her daughter-in-law even though it wasn’t even in law and treated me like one of her own. I had zero idea how to react to it so i just hid away. I thanked her the only ways i knew how. I painted her things. I made things. I gifted things. I still have trouble physically saying thank you. I wasn’t taught to. I was never thanked for anything before. I was just There. She even realized that there was something off with my mental health without me even telling her. She was ready to give me advice but i had such a distrust for maternal units that i wouldn’t go out and listen to her even though she was a real mother. She was the one who pointed me towards my dad because he actually showed care for me. He was actually excited to take me in. He wasn’t doing what my mom was doing and saying “I need to finish redoing the bathroom first” or “what if --her ex husband-- comes over and judges her for letting me come back?” and she made it known that it would be healthier to move up here. And now living with my dad who I have never been around longer than a month since i was like 7... I’m realizing just how he is. That’s not the parent i looked up to while pretending i had at least one functioning parent. That’s not it. I don’t think i have one. He at least cares about me and shows it and treats me like an adult but we don’t see eye to eye. It’s at least a parent. But i don’t think I’ll ever know that ‘real familial love’ after growing up with my mom.

there’s just so much unchecked trauma that’s festering and i dont know what to do with it. im smart enough to realize its there and know that i need to do something about it. but doing something about it.

I dont know what im like when im properly cared for and medicated. I’m not sure what it’s like. I’ve never seen it but i know i need it. This stuff isn’t normal. It’s not right. And not to use that meme. but autistic people need to stop being so relatable or i need to talk to a doctor lol

And even telehealth is a little sketchy. Like that whole thing with betterhealth getting caught stealing info and underpaying its workers just to hop on the ‘mental health bandwagon’ and other shit like that. I don’t even know what to do or where to go. If you read this and know anything about it. Please please PLEASE DM me with tips and advice. I need help and im too scared to even start.

An odd thing I’ve noticed about myself. I can’t hug my family. I can’t show affection to them. I don’t know why. I just can’t. It feels wrong. But when im with friends or a partner? I’m a hugger. You aren’t getting away without some sort of contact from me. Family? Stay six feet away. I need my space bubble. Don’t ask for a hug. Not happening. Friends? Touch me. Do it. I will kiss you right on the fucking lips. Family? I’m not talking about my mental health and stress. I’ve been told I’m faking it or being over-dramatic too many times. I ain’t talking. Friends? Say one nice thing and I’ll cry tears and tell you my whole life story and hear out yours.

And things i’ve seen with how im around my family is that they think I’m definitely the messed up one. They think I’m likely fucked in the head or something. I’m off. I’m that kid who’s been turned away too many times that i don’t show affection and I’m doing what they’ve read that autistic kids do and just gave up on me. Just want to one day point out to them that if you LAUGH at a genuine worry your child comes up to you to say: They Won’t Trust You. Ever. That shit sticks. (@ my mom....) My dad may be different but with how my mom has talked shit about him my whole life, I’m projecting her issues onto him and scared he’ll do the same thing. And all those arguments over covid issues sure aren’t helping.

I don’t know where im going with this at this point. I just want to feel happy and not scared for the first time in my life. The political nature of the country sure doesn’t help. But can’t help that I’m in my twenties, living through a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic and like three separate once-in-a-lifetime recessions. Like i could have enough mental health issues without this shit. But then all the community-trauma hitting on top of it is just pushing me over the edge. I’m not alone with it and i know that. But still. Jfc. I don’t think i can hold it in anymore.

HHHHHHHHHHHGGGHH I NEED ✨THERAPY✨

#i may not be over some stuff i thought i was over a long time ago #turns out it was just buried. great.#at least im calm now #and it's snowing again #and its lost its novelty already. ;-;#its no longer 'oh boy a snow day' and more of 'fuck i can't drive in this'#after just one snow day #fuck i think im extremely depressed #taks speaks #bad brain night #it doesnt help that the one person i try to talk to about this stuff just doesnt reply when i get like this #ik hes technically my ex now #but he's still a massive source of comfort #and bc his brain just shuts off when im like this he just Doesnt Reply #which is more annoying than a simple and actually helpful listening thing #thats what i used to love about him is that he would just calmly give some 'it'll be okay' and that was enough #but now its just 'i'll let that burn out'#i miss when he was trying tbh #goddammit i feel like im going to cry now #maybe it was an anxiety attack #i miss my people tbh #my ex my friends just my people #bc all i have now is family and i Do Not Understand How That Works #and all it does it make me anxious.

0 notes

skywailer · 7 years

Note

✉️ wOOP okay so um i'm charlotte my fave animal is either a horse or dolphin (wowie i'm so basic) my fave song is when the day met the night by patd i love the rain and the cold so much it makes me sO happy i don't believe in proper pUncTuAtIon and CaPiTaLizAtIoN when communicating online bc it looks ugly and screw the rULES (so im sorry) idk i say sorry too much but that ain't gonna stop me from apologizing uH and my favorite all time character is fred (pretend i sent this from my sideblog)

you are so cute, I can’t- ok, here you go! Sorry it’s a bit late; I got wrapped up in writing but ta-da!

Wanna know what your first year at Hogwarts looks like through caffeinated eyes?

how you got your Hogwarts acceptance letter: you’d been hearing from friends that they were getting their letters, yet yours had yet to arrive. Which was odd, because your magic has a way of rudely interrupting your daily routine- papers floating away from you when you’re flabbergasted about what to write, little rain storms trickling down on you in the middle of the night (you don’t really complain about those). So what gives? You weren’t sure what to make of it and, despite the nagging feeling of worry in your gut, you tried not to overthink it. It was on a particularly cloudy August day that your letter arrived, and you weren’t even at the house to receive it. Since it was cloudy, you decided to take your dogs out for a walk in hopes of catching a little rain (you wanted to show off your new purple polka-dot umbrella so badly). It rained, but… uh, not the way you thought it would? Apparently, there was a misunderstanding at the post about where exactly you lived; your family had moved during the summer, and were traveling. You were sitting on a bench, watching Max and Daisy play in the dry grass, when something flat and wide slapped you on the nose. From above. Before you could really register the small envelope that slid off your face and onto your lap, there was another “plop” at your shoulder, another plop at your feet, your head, and when you looked up there was a small horde of owls dropping pellets of letters on you. You didn’t even have time to open your cute umbrella. Your dogs happily helped you clean up the puddle of letters and, for once, you worried about the grumbling clouds above. Wouldn’t do to have a soggy supply list, right?

head canons about your trip on the Hogwarts Express: despite being positively giddy at the thought of going on this particular train, the second you charged through to platform 9 ¾, you were struck with nerves and remained still at the entrance. Taking it all in: the heavy steam sticking to your pores like morning mist (except way more polluted, yikes) and the cacophony of kids yelling and parents audibly yanking out their hair trying to maneuver carts without crashing into one another, into other people’s running kids. With a THWACK, someone’s cart ran into you from behind, and for a moment you wondered if you’d have to go to Hogwarts in a wheelchair. A bit dramatic, especially since the cart barely hit you. When a familiar voice heckled you from behind with an “Oi, move your bum!” your nerves melt. A friend from your neighborhood has arrived and the fear of being alone vanished. You boarded the train after a quick goodbye to your family, knowing from the herd that seats will be impossible to find, and you wanted to make sure you’re seated with a friend. Right off the entrance you spotted the one, golden empty cabin. You caught the eye of another student, tall and ginger, and with impossibly long legs down the corridor, and it was a very rigged race to the cabin. Somehow, though, you two managed to crash into each other and your friend applauds your ability to get wedged in the doorway with a Pretty Cute Guy. Unfortunately, Pretty Cute Guy had a family of gingers trampling down the corridor to score the cabin, too. Since you were wedged in the doorway with him, you actually have a perfect spot to negotiate terms with him. You ended up sharing the cabin with your friend, and new friends: the Weasleys. The Pretty Cute Guy told you his name is Fred, but him and his twin brother made sure to trick you about who was who any time they returned to the cabin from food and bathroom runs. You made sure to take advantage of their tallness to put up your luggage above the seats, and to take it back down at the end of the trip. They have since made sure to make fun of your shortness.

what happened when you went head-to-head hat with the sorting hat: you come from a house of Hufflepuffs, so you were pretty certain what you were going to get as you approached the holy stool - even if the idea of being a Hufflepuff didn’t really sit well with you. Something about that toil bit didn’t attract you. But even though your favorite crew of redheads were Gryffindors, that didn’t seem right either- not for you. You sat down, smiling, but your brain was pretty petrified: were you going to be revealed as a cunning devil, an enlightened bird, a brave lion or a determined honey-badger? The hat sat on your head for a while trying to figure things out, because Merlin knows you were still figuring things out. Eventually, it gave a huff and a puff and called out, “Ravenclaw!” And while that’s been awesome to be decreed smart, you’re wondering when that’ll kick in homework-wise. A little Hufflepuff determination would be nice around exam time.

who’s your squad: It’s hard to see you within the clump, since the Weasleys are a stretched out bunch of spaghetti strands, but - whenever someone can’t find you- people know which gingers you’re usually around. The Twins were and continue to be a completely horrible influence on you, and when the three of you are in the same room together, it’s impossible to find an iota of peace or quiet. Your first year was spent hanging out with Ron and Hermione (she’s the only one who can pick your butt into doing your homework, but she’s also a little annoying in that she actually reads in her leisure time and you…. well, you’ll get to her recommendations eventually). You have, on multiple occasions, eyed them suspiciously when they talk to each other because there is something there and it’s fun to tease them. You also love to keep the company of your fellow Ravenclaw, Luna, who shares your love of all things and who is always up for a small adventure outside to look at the sky, sit in the rain, or something else that …. isn’t exactly academic.

general first-year shenanigans you were up to while Harry was being Harry:

A majority of the points deducted from the Ravenclaw house was thanks to you. You have a bad habit of talking in Professor Snape’s class, and he was very generous with how many points he’d take when your mouth opened. He wasn’t the only professor to wish you’d write a little more and talk a little less.

you’ve gotten at least two detentions for running late to class because you were sleeping in. At least your house was spared point deductions?

Fred and George always had a way to sneak you out of those detentions anyway.

you’ve made it up to your house on various occasions, due to your creativity in class and ability to come up with answers on the fly. This also helped loads when you needed to finish homework JUST before class started.

you nearly froze your butt off during the winter, hanging out in the astronomy tower, writing.

when you accidentally found out that there was a three-headed dog, you refused to believe Ron when he said it was the ugliest thing he’d ever seen, because dogs are the best and you almost tricked him into telling you were it was. Almost.

at the end of the year, as you got back on the train and Fred loaded your stuff above the seat for you, again, you realized two things:

1: you were crushing hard on that funny beanstalk of a boy and

2: you totally forgot to return the books you’d borrowed from Hermione and Cho. And you hadn’t even read them. Again.

#daisy26745 #hp;hc #hp

3 notes · View notes

rookiewithachance · 7 years

Text

ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

#personal #about me #long post #//fingerguns #im not really looking for answers or anything i just needed to put it all down in one place and idk why else do i have a blog than to #send my thoughts spiraling into the endless void of the unforgiving internet to be lost to obscurity #//flails limbs #im tired #night yall

1 note · View note

flower-filled-dreams · 7 years

Text

Peonies Song

title sorta related to this?? ths is a sorry gift for being dead for so long!! plz!! take!! it!!

WC: 2626 (im so happy by that)

ship: does demonio x flowers count bc if not then none

notes: i know n o t h i n g about peonies so i hope this okay!!

Demonio sighed softly, wandering around Velder. It was a cool spring day that day, the sun peeking out behind clouds that drifted past. A gentle breeze gently blew Demo’s hair out of his face, the black and blue eye hiding behind white hair being visible. Demo quickly yanked his bangs back in place, making sure no one saw that.

He was alone today.

Most of the Elgang was in Sander at the moment, other than him, Diabla, Esper, and Asura. They all stayed behind to keep watch over Velder to make sure there were no more demons hiding around. How funny, since Demo himself was a demon, even if the others said he “wasn’t like them”. He was still one of them, wasn’t he…?

He shook his head to clear that thought. He may be a demon, but he wasn’t an evil demon. No no, he was a good one. As good as a demon could be, at least. He found himself sighing softly, his brain trying to bring back emotions he no longer felt. He refused to let it, putting his straight face back on.

Along his route around Velder’s bridge, he noticed something down below the bridge, something small. His first thought was it was a mouse or something, but then he noticed that it was a pale pink color. Almost a pastel pink, really. He stopped walking, looking around quickly. It didn’t seem there were any demons around, so…

He hopped off the bridge, the drop only being four feet. It was nothing to him. He landed with ease, crouching down beside the pink object. It had pastel pink petals, a green stem, and was actually in a small cluster, the cluster in a shattered pot with some dirt. Most of the flowers were dead, other than a few that were clinging to life. Demo quickly recognized them to be Peonies, gently scooping up a handful of dirt with two of the alive flowers inside of it. He didn’t know why, but...he felt (somewhat) bad for the flowers. It appeared someone had dropped them here...he couldn’t imagine why, unless it was an accident, but how do you accidentally drop a flowerpot full of peonies? Unless they tripped, it made no sense.

He felt himself smile for the first time in a while. He decided to take the two peonies back home with him, holding the dirt with the flowers all the way home. Demo was very cautious, constantly looking around to make sure that he wouldn’t trip on anything. For some reason, the flowers made him feel...some emotion he forgot the name to.

When Demo got home, he was greeted by Asura, who was currently drinking green tea and munching on chocolate chip cookies Demo previously made.

“Hello, Demonio!”

“Hello.”

“What do you have there?”

“Peonies.”

“Why? Where’d you get them? Last I checked, peonies weren’t sold around here…”

“They aren’t. I found them under Velder bridge when I was making sure there were no demons around. These two were the only two left alive from the flower pot.”

“Flower pot?...”

“Yes. Someone must have been passing by and tripped, dropping the flowerpot. It was shattered under the bridge, and most of them were dead.”

“...Those are some very pretty peonies!~”

“Indeed. I’m going to keep them.”

“What, are they your kids now?”

“Yes.”

Asura was chuckling over her joke, laughter cutting off when she heard Demo’s answer. Demo, raising flowers as if they were his kids? It sounded ridiculous, but...she knew Demo liked flowers more than people. She wouldn’t put it past him to do that. He usually did.

“...Demonio, if you really like taking care of things, you have Lu. Besides, you’re also still young enough to have kids, if you ever found someone or adopted them.”

“Nonsense. My mistress is already enough to take care of. I don’t need to have children. I don’t want to. You know this.”

“I know, I know, but…”

“I like taking care of flowers, to watch them bloom to be absolutely beautiful...but then they die. Like all things do.”

“That’s pretty dark, Demo.”

“It’s true. All things die, but...all things are beautiful at some point.”

Asura didn’t question most of Demo’s actions, band she wasn’t about to question this one. She simply nodded, sipping her tea. Demo saw a glass jar on the counter in the kitchen, walking over and letting the dirt fall into there, along with the flowers. He turned the sink on, holding the jar under the water for a second or two. He set the jar on the counter, washing his hands off and looking at the peonies.

He felt himself feel...calm, looking at them.

“So, are you gonna name them too?”

“Yes. The smaller one shall be Vivi, and the bigger one shall be Zuzu.”

“I can’t believe those names!”

“Is there a problem with them?”

“N-No, just...I never would have guessed you’d name them something so simple. I thought you’d name them something elegant, like...hmm…”

“Those names are just fine for them.”

Demo sighed softly, Asura shrugging and smiling. If Demonio was happy with them, that alone was a blessing. It was better than him being constantly moody, after all. They were quite pretty...she noticed Demo pick the jar up, walking upstairs.

“Where are you putting them?”

“In my room, in front of my window.”

“They’ll look lovely there.”

“They already do.”

Asura nodded a bit, knowing very well Demo couldn’t see it. He was already upstairs. Esper yawned, coming up the stairs from the basement, going to the kitchen. His hair was a mess, dark circles under his eyes. Asura could already guess what he was here for, watching him pull down the container with the instant coffee in it. The kettle’s water was still hot, if the steam coming from it was any indication. He put some of the water in a mug covered in little cat faces, then poured some of the instant coffee into the mug. He didn’t even bother stirring it, just swirling it around a bit in there.

“Esper, get some sleep.”

“No. I’m busy.”

“You sound like Masi when you say that…”

“Technically, since me and Masi come from the same person, it wo-”

“Esper!”

“...I’ll sleep once I’m done writing down a couple of formulas I have.”

“You kno- fine. Hey, did you hear me and Demonio?”

“Yeah. About flowers or something…?”

“He’s raising the flowers like they were his kids.”

“You know how he is, Asura...he’s lonely, let the man raise his flowers in peace.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing!! Just...it seems likes he devotes more time to flowers than us.”

“We all have hobbies, you know…”

“I know! Just...I’m worried that there’s something wrong, with how much he avoids us…”

“Nothing’s wrong with him. He just likes flowers. You’re overthinking it, Asura.”

Esper sipped his coffee, frowning at the taste. He forgot to add sugar and cream. Oh well, the coffee would probably wake him up more if it was black. Probably.

“If you’re really so concerned with his flower collection, then ask him why he does it.”

“I-I’m not concerned!! I just...want him to spend more time with us.”

“He likes being alone, I think. That would explain why he always hangs back with Diabla here whenever he can...I think too many people stresses him out, so he vents it by taking care of flowers. You see how delicate and careful he is with them.”

Before Asura could slip in another word, Esper went back downstairs, smiling softly. He knew the real reason why Demo collected flowers. He promised to never tell anyone, though. After all, it would embarrasing to the demon if anyone but Esper and Apo knew that the flowers made him feel as if he had emotions again, yet people couldn’t bring them back. Esper sat back at his desk, continuing to write down formulas, yawning. He was exhausted...maybe he should get some sleep…

Nah. He was busy. With his will steeled, he sipped his coffee, continuing to write.

The whole Elgang came back from Sander that night. Most of them were on their way home at this point, exhausted from the battle against Giant Waldo. Even Esper and Asura left at some point, wishing farewell to Demonio, leaving him alone. Diabla may have been in Velder, but she was out all day with her patrol, the chances of her actually just exploring around higher than her actually doing work. Demonio came down a few minutes after Asura and Esper left, looking at the clock on the wall. 21:27...it was getting late, and he hadn’t even made dinner yet! Then again...Diabla wasn’t home yet. She was strong, she could take care of herself, she’d be home soon enough, asking Demonio where dinner was.

Demonio decided to finally work on dinner, just in case she got home soon. The other Lu’s and Ciel’s should be home soon, too...he went to the kitchen, washing his hands again. He’d been touching dirt all day now, making sure the soil was suitable for the peonies. He turned the sink off after washing his hands, taking off his black sweater he wore when he didn’t have to watch any of the Lu’s, or didn’t have to do much of anything. His blue undershirt had long sleeves, Demo rolling them up and opening the fridge. He never really liked wearing aprons, so with no one around...he didn’t see a reason to. He pulled out a few ingredients from the fridge, like fish that was thawing, butter, eggs, breadcrumbs...he set it on the counter, going over to the cupboard and pulling out a few spices and herbs, sighing softly.

He already missed the feeling of happiness caring for the flowers brought him.

He made dinner in the span of 30 minutes, wrapping it up when he noticed no one was home yet. He put the food in the fridge, mumbling to himself how he could have waited a bit longer to cook...by now, it was 21:57, and he really just wanted to go to bed. He was tired from the day, but he couldn’t sleep until he knew Diabla and the others got home…

With a small sigh, he sat on the couch, pulling a pillow on his lap. So he waited.

And waited.

And fell asleep.

By the time the others got home, it was nearly midnight, the two other Ciel’s carrying asleep Lu’s, Dread carrying both Chili and Diabla. They didn’t even notice Demo asleep on the couch until after they put the Lu’s in their beds, going downstairs right after to go see what they could eat. It was then they noticed the white hair hanging down from the back of the couch, seeing the blue horn as well. Dread was the first to go over, confirming it was indeed Demo, as if there was any doubt.

“He’s asleep.”

“I can see that, Dread.”

“I wonder how long he waited for us…”

“Probably a long time, if he fell asleep here. He could catch a cold, it’s chilly in this house…”

“Yeah. Should we wake him up, or…?”

“Just...go up to his room and grab his blanket. We should let him sleep...look under his eyes.”

“He’s always got dark circles under his eyes.”

“Exactly. Go grab his blanket.”

Dread mumbled softly, something along the lines of “fine”, trudging upstairs. He walked to the end of the hall, stepping in Demo’s room, flicking on the light. His gunblades were on his bed, his long black jacket hanging off the chair near his desk. He then noticed the burst of pastel pink in the blue and black room, walking over curiously.

“Huh...those are pretty. Wonder what kind of flower it is...he’d know.”

Dread found himself staring at them for longer than most normal people would, snapping out of it once he felt a hand clasp his shoulder. He nearly jumped, spinning around to see Royal sighing. Royal’s blue hair was out of it’s usual low pony, resting on his shoulders and back, Dread noticing he was in his pj’s; a blue long sleeve shirt and grey jogging pants. Royal looked in Dread’s eyes, the butler’s eyes sharp still, despite the time now being 24:46.

“You’ve been standing here for twenty minutes.”

“I zoned out.”

“Bullshit.”

“...I was staring at these flowers.”

“For twenty minutes? Are you sure you weren’t going through Demo’s stuff looking for porn mags or something?” Royal said, letting out a chuckle.

“Y-Yes, I’m sure!! Demo doesn’t even have porn mags!!”

“You’d know.”

“S-Shut up!”

Royal was chuckling at how flustered Dread was now, Dread gritting his teeth and sighing.

“The flowers are pretty.”

“Indeed they are. But not pretty enough to stare at for twenty minutes.”

“I told you, I zoned out. It’s late. I’m tired.”

“...Right. Did you at least get the blankets?”

“His gunblades are on them, El Lady knows where his sniper is.”

“...I see. Best to leave them there. He’s pretty picky about how clean they are...I’ll just get him some spare blankets in the closet.”

“Yeah. Oh, Royal, do you know what flower these are?”

“I’d say peonies. Why?”

“I like them.”

“You? Like flowers? Never thought I’d hear that.”

“Shut up. They’re nice. No wonder he has them…”

“Okay Dread, I get you like them, but really...go to bed. I’ll get the blankets. You’re acting strange.”

Dread frowned, but obliged, mumbling a goodnight before walking out of the room. Royal smiled softly, looking at the flowers for an extra moment. Demo was obviously taking good care of them, the petals full and alive. No wonder Dread couldn’t stop staring.

Royal whispered a goodnight to the flowers for some reason, shutting the light off when he walked out of the room. He closed the door behind him, walking over to the closet and pulling out a few blankets, carrying them downstairs. When he walked past Dread’s room, he could already hear snoring. He was that tired…?

Royal chuckled quietly. Everyone but him was asleep, and here he was at one in the morning, bringing blankets down for Demo. He stopped at the couch, resting the blankets on Demo’s body, making sure to cover his arms, feet, and legs. At this point, the demon was lying on the couch instead of sitting up, quiet snores leaving him. Royal made sure his whole body other than his head was covered in blankets, stepping back when he was done.

Good. Demo was completely wrapped up, like a cocoon. Now he could head to bed as well.

He walked up the stairs again, stepping in his room and shutting the door behind him softly. He lingered there for a moment, thinking about a few things from the day. He thought about how Lusa and Reckless sparred on the way to the Barren Sander, thought about how Chili demanded cookies from Dread, only for Dread to have ended up having enough cookies for everyone somehow, thought about how Arme had a debate about the El Lady with Crimson…

He smiled.

He...enjoyed his time with the Elgang, to say in the least. He enjoyed being near them. Noblesse loved them too, even if she’d never admit it.

He yawned, walking over to his bed and lying down. He pulled the blankets over himself, eyes shutting. He was exhausted.

The last thing that entered his mind were the flowers Demo had, how pretty they were. He fell asleep thinking of the pretty pastel pink flowers, his dreams very flower filled that night.

#Elsword #Demonio #Royal Guard #Dreadlord #Asura #Diabolic Esper #reckless fist #lunatic psyker #arme thaumaturgy #crimson avenger #fleur writes #this is longer than i would have likes #but #its okay #i hope not #demo just likes flowers hes not gonna fuck it i swear #he will not fuck the flower

2 notes · View notes

txicgf · 3 years

Text

today on: trying to decide if i will believe she actually likes me today or if i have been overthinking my relationship to her and she doesn't like me, or if i am simply thinking about it too hard and should invest in a balanced diet and stop my substance abuse bc they have simply frayed my edges farther .

i am simply thinking about it too hard but uGh i hate my brain overthinking everything all the time. ESPECIALLY in regards to Katherine. I've been messing up each time bc i can't seem to stop overthinking n fucking it up somehow or giving the wrong signal , and ik that's my attachment style and ik a lot of the time i think my chronic attention seeking has been more important to me than relationships/been too obsessed with being sad to actually follow something else , but god for ONCE i just wanna be normal. i just wanna not assume things at the smallest indication of something that MAYBE i wouldn't like, and feel the need to jump ship immediately. ugh. brain sucks.

BUT AT YHE SAME TIME..... i don't care?? like so stuck in-between being like in love w/ her but also knowing im still a dishonest mess i just make less noise about it, knowing ill likely end up disappointing her or worse, the relationship isn't as much as i built up in my head and i get bored like i always do and ruin the friendship in turn, BUT ALSO part of me couldn't give a shit about the idea of any relationship with anyone ever because a. they suck and b. im too busy thinking about getting skinny

but at the same time ,,,, it's so fucking CONFUSINF ugh . i hate liking her as much as i do. i hate that i even do, i hate talking about how much i like her and i hate being into someone and this whole experience makes me want to rip my skin off. but at the same time for some unknown fucking reason she's like half of my thoughts and i bring her up every five minutes and my brain is quietest when I'm with her and i hate how i even sound saying all that and i hate that i hate it and i hate that nothing else in my brain feels like it matters in the way she does, and all the arguments im making up in my head are almost completely defunct at the core of it. i just like her and i just like being around her and it makes me immeasurably uncomfortable knowing that.

i do not enjoy feelings. the thing i DO seem to enjoy though, is feeling like shit. but also, i fucking hate feeling like shit because it's feeling like shit. and my whole body is yelling at me to shut it off and be a robot to her until she gets the message and jumps ship and i can feel all sad and edgy about it like i always do and all my gut reactions suck and i hate being anxious. but FUCK i refuse to mess it up. im not making my feelings someone else's problem again and im not ruining it again. i don't wanna ruin it , like a lot.

but at the same time its not that deep and im completely fine??? like literally we're just friends and im making it into more than it has to be, nor do i care if she doesn't wanna be w/ me like ,,,, i can deal with rejection or things not going well , im not gonna die and it wouldn't really affect my life that much but GOD i hate the mess that's involved in my caring for someone just bc it's me caring about someone and i hate anticipating the worst at all times (even if it seems that's literally all im capable of doing)

but all in all the things that really do matter are my dippers and my ladies and getting thinner. so ill be okay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just gotta remember what's most important :') and get some fucking sleep

#vent #kath

0 notes