It's okay to be a flower.
It's okay to be the rain.
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Do you ever get tired? Not in the “I could sleep for days” tired, but the “I’m tired of being me” tired. But I guess feeling that way would make you want to sleep for days, so same-same. I’m tired. I’m tired of being Rhi. And that’s sad. Looking in the mirror and instantly turning away after a couple seconds due to not liking what I see. And this isn’t a pitty party. No.. this is real. This post is for everyone that wakes up wishing you weren’t who you are. In better words, this post is for everyone who hates themselves. I’ve come to realize we are OUR OWN WORST ENEMY. We always believe we could have done something different, or even better. We take the criticism and the judgement of others to heart, and if it’s said enough.. we even start to believe it. I’ve always been picked on for being skinny. With a high metabolism, I damn sure eat but it doesn’t stick. I know the phrase “picked on” sounds like a kindergarten term for it, but it’s the truth. It does not matter how old you get, people will pick on you and make means comments , and over all; make you feel like you are less of the person you really are and were born to be. And that, within itself, is sad. I try not to take certain comments or opinions to heart, but if you hear it enough, you really do start to believe they are right. You don’t take into consideration that they could be wrong, because you’ve doubted yourself for so long. You begin believing that you aren’t important to the world anymore. And out of all of the saddest things in the world... I believe that feeling is one of them. I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I will ever be able to count, I’ve changed as a person and sometimes not for the best, I’ve put blades to my arms, I’ve been suicidal and have attempted more than once until I think about my mom, and how much it would hurt her. I’m going a little off topic with this, but when you feel like you’ve hit the bottom and you do contemplate suicide, one of the first things you should consider is whose heart you’d shatter to pieces. Suicide doesn’t end your pain.. it passes it to someone else. I know how hard it is to see through the darkness. But without the darkness, there couldn’t be light.
if you're thinking of suicide or self harm i have provided some phonelines that will help you through with any suicidal thoughts and self harming issues and are here to support you through difficult issues/times!
Childline: 0800 1111
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Brazil: 188 for the cvv national association
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal) 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Or text "HOME" to 686868 for a Councillor to connect/respond in less than five minutes.
Finland: 010 195 202
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
New zealand: 0800543354
South Africa: 0514445691
United kingdom: 08457909090
USA : 18002738255
Please seek for help if you are going through problems.Death isn’t the solution.I love y’all.I am here and you can always talk to me if you want to
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On an unrelated note, I'd like to voice my concerns here and get my heart out.
I've loved very few people, and I've crushed on maybe a handful more.
---the other day when we want to take our exam for class (it's in person at the school gym) my classmate and I were wearing the same outfit. Old skool vans, black jeans, white shirt, jean overshirt.
--we went on to joke that we were boyfriend's and when we went out to eat the joke went on. We ordered and shared our pizza and I paid for him etc. It was fun.
---he asked me something about starting a family and having kids, and my primal monkey brain just assumed it would be with him. Huh.
Like, I know this is/isn't the place for this, but like there are times when I feel like I am such a not-normal, awkward person, and like it's just a secret from everyone. I can just hear in my head my mom's voice saying, why are you like this? Why can't you be normal? And I can only be a facsimile of normal, like, Yes, I'm practically fully functional, but then I get on a rant and phase out of this plane, or my facial expression or body or thoughts are doing their own form of dance, and I'm like, excuse me, I need to be in a room with no witnesses for some time. Don't worry about me, please, talk amongst yourselves. I just need to exit unnoticed.
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Its okay if you didn’t get up and get a snack. Its okay if you didn’t drink some water. Its okay if you forgot your medication. Its okay if you missed that assignment. Its okay that you didn’t get out of bed. Its okay you didn’t shower. Its okay. You lived today. And now, you have tomorrow.
Happiness doesn't stay for long so I enjoy while I still can. Never lasts for long but that's okay❤❤❤
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What if this is what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life?
Fight after fight
Barely getting room to recover.
What if I'm gonna have to for the rest of my life act stronger than I am?
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Perhaps the reason you've always looked for love...
Been desperate for it, actually,
Is because you want to escape the reality of not being loved by so many
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how sassy do i gotta be to get some tickles around here? sheeeeeeesh
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Do you ever have an outfit that you’re so excited to wear that you can barely sleep? You’re so happy because you finally, finally found an outfit that’s you. That expresses who you are, whether it’s colorful, monochrome, all black, or a mixture. You imagine all the compliments that you’re going to get and you feel so proud. You wake up in the morning and put on your stellar outfit and go to school. You walk in and get some weird looks. You shrug it off, because after all, not everyone’s going to get your sense of style. And then, throughout the day, you see people pointing at you, or whispering, and you don’t get a single compliment on the outfit that you were so proud of. In fact, people make fun of you. You begin to shrink down in your seat, and by the end of the day, you’re ready to just go home and get it off. The next day, you come to school in a different outfit. You look just like everyone else. People are smiling, laughing, joking with you again. No longer excluding you because you look like them. You begin to wear this outfit until the other one - the one that is truly you - is pushed to the back of your closet and you don’t’ ever take it out again. And you know, deep down, that you are saying goodbye to a piece of yourself.
Dean and Cas are fast asleep, limbs tangled together in every which way and Dean is using his husbands chest as a pillow. Cas insisted that they go to bed early so they can be well rested for their picnic at the lake tomorrow. Cas made pie. and Dean is going to surprise Cas with homemade honey he bought at the farmers market.
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April 6, 2021. 7 pm.
Yesterday was a hard day. Today isn’t over but it’s been an easier day. I think I put too much pressure on yesterday needing to be a better day than the day before. I’ve learned my lesson and I won’t be doing that again. I’ll take every day one day at a time. No real big expectations or anything. Sure maybe I’ll have something planned or a task to do but I’m not going to predict or force the outcome of the day. It’ll be whatever kind of day it turns out to be.
Maybe that’s my biggest issue is that somehow within the last few months I’ve lost the ability to just live each day. I’m too busy trying to have the best time or make every day great but it’s okay if they’re just normal days or if they turn out to be bleh days. It’s okay because I know I can get through whatever happens.
I have to keep telling myself that or else I’ll forget and slip again. I have to keep telling myself that I’m strong and resilient. Because I am. We all are. People can bounce back. People are strong they just need a reminder from time to time.
wait i cant off myself i have books coming in the mail
You are enough. Even if you fail, you are enough.
You are here, and that's enough.
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Remember you don't even like pudding that much.
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