txicgf

[txicgf]

random blinkies

[txicgf]

one day you'll wake up and think, "life is okay". it'll happen gradually. you'll start to notice flowers blooming in a new light. your evening shower will be a sweet refuge. your morning coffee will warm your soul. things will seem bright and beautiful, and you'll wonder how you ever wanted to leave such lovely things behind

[txicgf]

the 'what if you played it a little risky' post literally Changed my life but i cant fujkign find it in my blog because its. a tiktok screenshot

[txicgf]

a sound can mean so much. a mourning dove’s call makes me remember king of the hill with my sibling and cozy afternoons. a song makes me think of my friends and how much i love them. a wave crashing on sand makes me remember the smell of salt and sweat, the dark gray-brown of the ocean against the yellow-brown of the beach. take time to notice the world around you today

[txicgf]

*covered in blood* i will.... *trembling* CHOOSE TO BE KIND... *in pain* i will be... NICE to others... *wanting to kill* i will see good in EVERYONE *yelding a knife* i will NOT be like those who hurt me... *screaming* i will be BETTER than who i was...

[txicgf]

what if i told you that a lot of “Americanized” versions of foods were actually the product of immigrant experiences and are not “bastardized versions”

[txicgf]

It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

[txicgf]

i love.my partner. i love my partner

it's crazy how every day it just grows it's crazy how stupid they make me even.so long into this and after everything they're sitting on the couch next to me and they don't even know I'm thinking about them so hard I'm a few whiteclaws in and I'm just so happy I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much they're so stupid and funny and they do funny accent and we go on adventures and we play apex legends and we kiss and we sit in bed and watch Minecraft videos and they snore and throw pillows when they're sleeping but that's okay bc it is kind of comforting and also I like them a lot and they eatch shows with me and play games with me and theyre really wonderful and kind and they always make sure to listen to people and they're really emotionally intelligent and I always want to have sex with them and I think they have really pretty light brown eyes and it's really hsrd to find really light brown eyes but they have them and they're really sweet and we dyed our hair together and we get similarly emotional about adventure time bc it hits us in the childhood trauma and they actually watched all of Steven universe and gravity falls with me without making fun of me and i like watching superhero media bc of them and we bond over kendrick lamar and we go on drives to WinCo and we hang out and we live in our little house with our little cats ans i love them so much

#textpost #jade #stupid<3

[txicgf]

The more time goes by away from them, the better I learn to treat myself.

[txicgf]

PSA that's it's not just okay for you to not forgive the people that hurt you. It is actively a deeply fucked up thing for anyone to expect or advocate that you forgive someone that hurt you deeply. The choice whether or not to do so has no business being raised or influenced by anyone but you, and it has fuck all to do with healing and moving on. Not saying hold on to every grudge and resentment ever, but you also don't have to forgive them to simply not let it affect your future.

Fuck. Forgiveness. And fuck the culture of unthinking cruelty that insists on it, even when the people in question are still actively being impacted and abused. Prioritizing an end to discord over the tending of the wounded is unforgivably malevolent.

[txicgf]

The reality of being a survivor is that the person or people who hurt you might just get to live full, rich lives and leave you behind. It's a perverse feeling, and it's true that that is fucked up. It feels like they still control you even when they're out of your life, and you feel trapped. However, you still deserve to be happy, to be fulfilled. Your life hasn't ended because they stole parts of it. They will never truly be able to take the essence of who you are.

Remembering this has taken the edge off of this thought. I won't ever give my abusers that power over me ever again. They never fucking deserved that.

[txicgf]

Trauma is...

Remembering your abuser's face so clearly, even if you don't want to.

Remembering the things they said to you. Some nasty, some kind.

Being haunted by dreams of them.

Past people trying to make amends, although they never stopped the abuse in the first place. Whether they were bystanders or not.

Trying to get emotional closure, but people continue to shut you out and deny the harm that they have committed.

Your emotional connections to your abuser, and feeling grief that they're gone.

Being unable to form relationships after the abuse, no matter how hard you try.

Feeling drawn to emotionally unavailable people, and getting hurt again.

Struggling to move past what you went through. No matter how much people tell you to move on, it doesn't help.

Being so angry at everyone and everything. Just to fight the urge to forgive them, so they won't come back in your life and abuse you more.

Feeling sorry for your abusers, because you wanted a better life for them.

Feeling betrayed for even trying, because they never cared.

Feeling like everyone is out to get you and feeling like they'll abandon you without a second thought. Because that's what happened.

Having paranoid thoughts of your loved ones lying to you, even if they proved to you over and over again, that they wouldn't do that to you.

Feeling dirty, because a part of you loved/cared about that person, and they were too old for you. And you didn't even know.

Unsure if you should throw out old belongings and items and gifts you shared, because they used to mean so much to you.

It still hurting. Even if years have passed. Still being stuck on what happened, despite things having changed.

I miss them, but I don't. I hate them, but I wish they were truthful.

Trauma is when time doesn't heal, even when time changes you and everything around you.

[txicgf]

The grief you experience after having loved an abuser is compounded by the fact that you really can’t even hold onto or take comfort from happy memories. The only reason you were happy in those moments is because you were being lied to, manipulated, and mislead. You have to come to terms with the fact that your time was wasted, your open-heart taken for granted, and your vulnerability and desire to believe in magic exploited.

[txicgf]

It wasn’t your fault

It wasn’t your fault they treated you that way, it wasn’t your fault you accepted that treatment for so long, it wasn’t your fault you were taught abuse and neglect were what love is all about, it wasn’t your fault you thought it was all you deserved, it wasn’t your fault you fell for their fake charming character, it wasn’t your fault that you just wanted to be loved.

it wasn’t your fault

[txicgf]

intentionally triggering yourself only to find things that make it worse on accident in a way you weren't prepared for

#what the fuck #vent

[txicgf]

If all that you experienced in your relationships was people pretending to like you and suddenly leaving you, crushes running away from you, being the second/third choice, manipulative/abusive situationships and people trying to use you, it's very normal that now it all seems scary to you. And even if you crave to experience love, the good type of love, you may unconsciously self sabotage yourself and run away from it, pretending to suddenly see flaws in it or in the person (even when you know it's not true deep down), or that you don't need it and are good by yourself (despite feeling lonely), feeling not enough for it or for that person, or fearing they may leave you or someone may come in between and ruin it all (abandonment issues and lacking trust basically, as your trust has been dumped many times in your past relationships).

It's not your fault: your only experiences in that field where very toxic and negative, how can you believe something you have only seen happening in movies and in other people's lives, happen to you too? "You're not worth of it. You need to be left alone or will be left alone everytime. Save yourself, don't even try": these are the words your mind is constantly repeating, making you pull out even from potentially safe relationships. It just want to avoid you being hurt but, does it really know you will be hurt again for sure?

No one ever really taught you what love is about, how it works, and you are probably still learning all this and how to deal with it: give yourself time but also the chance to try it first hand. At times that's the only way to learn something for real, even if it means potentially getting hurt again (but you don't know for sure, it could be different: you can recognize a negative situation and save yourself anyway now. Trust yourself). Know your fears, and try to heal what happened in your past. Forgive yourself: you didn't know many things, you didn't know how to act, you probably were naive also of the people around you as you trusted them for many things but maybe they didn't act as you'd wanted them to. You deserve to experience a good love now, to feel loved and to give love to the right people that will give it back to you. Don't let your past hinder you. Things do change at any given time, and you've changed: the love you deserve to experience has to be different too (and btw it may feel uncomfortable/scary at first, but try to get through that and do not give up: it's something new for you and you don't know how to deal with it... yet. Go slow, get acquainted, take your time and enjoy: receive it fully, you deserve my friend).

[txicgf]

i get too comfortable -> i overshare -> i regret -> i want to kill myself

(repeat)