#bc i keep seeing my abuser and it sends me so backwards

[frecklystars]

I’m going to probably stay mostly offline today and tomorrow, because tomorrow night is the Charlie Puth concert and I want to be ready for it. I don’t want to risk seeing anything online that could trigger me and make me spiral, I want to try to relax myself as much as I can. The last thing I need is a panic attack especially when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself, and my ongoing anxiety from going to the emergency room last week still has me rattled. I’m still having flashbacks and bad memories in the back of my head constantly, like I am literally never not thinking about all the bad things that happened to me and I know that’s a part of ptsd but! it really sucks and I don’t want to make it worse by seeing my abuser floating around people’s blogs buying comms and giving me further reminders of how she got away with so much. And my anger has been totally consuming me for the past 2 days now so I really need to try to clear my thoughts

I’m super nervous about the concert. I’ve been so numb to the things I used to enjoy for 10 months now. I used to associate literally all of his songs w/ my TF ships and I’m worried that hearing them live will make me feel really depressed. but I spent money on this front row ticket and I think I’ll try to enjoy just simply seeing him so up close in person, I think that will be a cool experience despite everything else. and if I’m able to, I’ll post videos :D

I might make a post just before it starts and ask for some positive encouragement or something but in the meantime I’m gonna spend today at the movies and eating yummy food and playing stardew valley 💛💛💛

Also............. I reblogged a bunch of charlie puth stuff into my queue scheduled for tomorrow, I spent a couple of hours in the last two days trying to ground myself by going into his tag and reblogging a bunch of his music/videos. so im sorry class for the puth brainrot you’re gonna see all day tomorrow LOL I’m just desperately trying to hype myself up for this concert instead of dreading it

#woof #like my worst fear is that im gonna be so anxious out of my mind and unable to enjoy it #bc i am riddled with anxiety and being so tense! every! second! of every! single! day! #for!!!! months!!!! and i thought i'd be better by now but i'm not. #i thought i'd have a better grip on how to handle my anxiety now but i am not #bc i keep seeing my abuser and it sends me so backwards #if i knew i would have ptsd when i bought this ticket i never would have spent so much money #but who knows!! maybe he will make me feel a little better!!! #i just know last time i was at a concert i was so depressed i was out of my body #and now i have ptsd and i dont have my f/os and he's gonna be singing songs i associate with said f/os #so like i really dont expect this to go well im rly scared. im anxious out of my goddamn mind #[SHARP INHALE] OH FUCKING WELL

[manchesterau]

my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point. 

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore). 

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-' 

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll). 

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑 

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal). 

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end) 

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared. 

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

#* #my policeman #godd this book...i cant wait for the movie #mp

[jungkookiebus]

Can u pls do Dom!Tae (Like really Dom) trying to eat OC out but she doesn’t let him bc she’s embarrassed even tho they’ve been together for a while but Tae goes in anyways and gives her at least 3 orgasm with his mouth? Lmao 😳 the thirst is real 🌚

okay, baby! I got you!

And holy sweet baby jesus this gif got me

“Don’t fuckingmove,” Taehyung whispered into your ear once more.  You had tried, unsuccessfully, to keep himfrom touching you. Taehyung’s grip on your throat tightened as he kept youpinned to the wall. “You are not cooperating tonight, _____, and you’re really pissing me off.”

You whined as he continued to reprimand you for your misconduct.You had been particularly hard on yourself earlier in the evening when he triedto gently touch you and make love to you, but you were feeling less than beautifultoday; therefore, you didn’t want Taehyung to see you undressed. That had been a mistake and now he was pissed.

“I don’t,” he started as he shoved his knee between yourlegs as you whimpered, “understand,______, why you’re so fucking stubborn all of the sudden. How many times have Itold you how beautiful you are?”

You thought the question was rhetorical, so you stayedsilent. You knew you were wrong when his grip tightened on your throat.

“How. Many. Times,” he growled out as he came nose to nosewith you.

“S-so many,” you cried. Tears fell freely from your eyes.

“So why did you feel the need to keep yourself coveredearlier?”

“I just didn’t feel good,” you cried harder.

“I just don’t get you,” he tutted. “I try my best to make you understand, _____.” Helooked down as if in thought and then back up to the ceiling again beforelooking into your watery eyes. “And you just. Keep. Defying. Me.” He loosenedhis grip on your throat as he stood back from you. “Get on the bed.”

You let your head hang as you moved as quickly as possibleto sit on the edge of the bed.

“Pull your shorts off.”

You leaned back to pull them off, leaving yourself in justyour underwear.

“Farther up the bed.”

You scooted backwards as Taehyung knelt on the bed in front ofyou, spreading your legs with his hands before he laid low and in between yourlegs.

“Now lie back.”

You obeyed, knowing that any wrong move would lead tofurther punishment.

Taehyung made himself comfortable between your legs beforehe was pushing your panties aside and pushing two fingers slowly inside of you.You weren’t wet yet and he knew it, but he was going to punish you anyway.

“Dry as a desert, baby, and to think all I wanted to do wasmake love to you.”

You were foolish. Of course, you knew Taehyung loved you andeverything about you, but there was still that terrible, nagging thought in theback of your head telling you you weren’t good enough. Taehyung pulled yourpanties aside further with his other hand and brought his lips closer to yourclit.

“We’ll just have to change that,” he said as he brought hislips down on you as he laved his tongue slowly over your clit.

You moaned, getting turned on for the first time thatevening. He pumped his fingers in and out of you the wetter you were gettingand before long he had your back arching off the bed in ecstasy. He pulled hismouth away but kept his pace with his fingers.

“I could have been making love to you right now, making youcome on my cock while you screamed, but you had to go and ruin the entireevening.”

He brought his lips back down to your clit and sucked harshlywhile increasing the intensity on your g-spot until you were coming hard in hismouth, but he didn’t stop there. He continued sucking and abusing your clit ashe added another finger inside of your swollen cunt.

“T-Tae,” you cried as you tried to pull his hair to get himto move, but he seemed undeterred at the fight you were putting up. You triedkicking your legs against him, but he wasn’t having it. He pulled his fingersfrom you, grabbed the waistband of your panties like paper and ripped them downthe middle. He planted his hands brutally on your thighs and pushed your legsup, almost bending you in half.

“I’m going to need to you stop fucking kicking me,” he saidbefore he brought his mouth to your clit once more, sending you more into overstimulation.

“Please, Taehyung.”You were sobbing at this point, the pleasure you felt at first was now an uncomfortablesort of pain that you felt in the pit of your stomach. He didn’t let up nomatter how hard you cried and pulled at his hair and before you knew it, he waspulling another orgasm from you.

“Do it again,” he said before attaching his lips to yourclit once more.

You bucked your hips upwards, but it was to no avail asTaehyung moved with you, never stopping his assault. Sweat broke out acrossyour skin as your body continued to override the sensations coursing throughyou. Your mind became fuzzy and your thoughts were muddled as all you couldfeel was the overwhelming amount of pressure Taehyung was already putting onyour swollen clit. Your body felt as if electricity had flown through you andburned your nerve endings. Once again, he threw you into yet another blindingorgasm that rippled through your body as your eyes rolled back into your head.

You must have momentarily blacked out because you openedyour extremely wet, unclear eyes to Taehyung hovering over you, observing yourface.

“Are you okay?”

All you could do was shake your head yes. Every part of yourbody felt as if it were made of lead and your legs began to grow cold where theair hit the sloppy, wet mess Taehyung had left behind.

“Did you learn your lesson?”

You shook your head yes once more.

“Good, now let’s get you a bath and into bed before you passout on me.”

Drabble Masterlist

#drabble #bts drabble #bts smut #taehyung smut #taehyung #bts au #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts #taehyung x reader #reader insert #Anonymous #thirst #thirst ask

[generallynerdy]

Together (Morgana X F!Reader)

Summary: When Morgana and Morgause set out to conquer Camelot, there is one unlikely obstacle in their way: a servant girl. The problem she poses? Morgana has never stopped loving her.

Requested by @pearlll09: Ooh was putting laundry away and had an idea for Morgana! Maybe reader finds her during one of her attempts to take over the kingdom and they used to be close so reader manages to talk her into being good again :)

Key: (Y/N) - your name Warnings: some cheesy bullshit, G A E, imprisonment, minor injuries, persecution bc of magic, abusive father figures mentioned, forceful takeovers Word Count: 1,175

Note: katie mcgrath hhhhhhhh i know this is 30 minutes later than usual posting but eh. Hope u dont mind that i made it gay

    (Y/N) let out a pained shout as she was shoved onto the cold stone floor of a cell. The door slammed behind her as she whimpered, pain shooting out through her entire body. Using her elbows, she slowly got to her knees, tears slipping down her cheeks when she looked up.

    Morgana and Morgause both lingered at her door, the former closer to it than her half-sister.

    Her eyes were dark, almost blank, as she stared upon the pitiful prisoner, a girl who had once been her closest friend. Meanwhile, Morgause watched spitefully, squinting as she observed (Y/N).

    “Another unfortunate casualty,” she hummed. “Come, sister. It’s time for you to take your place on the throne of Camelot.”

    (Y/N) stumbled to her feet as the witch began to turn away. She reached through the bars of the cell door with the desperation of a dying man, gripping the sleeve of Morgana’s dress.

    “Don’t do this, Morgana,” she begged.

    Morgana frowned. “Why shouldn’t I? It’s everything Uther deserves. You said that once.”

    “I said he deserved to pay for what he did,” she admitted, “But not like this. Not through violence and death and suffering. He doesn’t deserve this-- Arthur doesn’t deserve this.”

    “Don’t bring him into this,” she spat.

    (Y/N)’s heart broke a little. “But he’s already part of it, isn’t he? You blame him for the crimes of his father, for Uther’s crimes against you and your kind.”

    From behind her sister, Morgause began to fume. “Best watch your mouth.”

    “Morgana, this was not Arthur’s choice,” (Y/N) said, ignoring Morgause. “He loves you like a sister, he would never--”

    “Do not speak to me of how Arthur loves me,” Morgana growled.

    She took (Y/N)’s wrist suddenly, ripping it from her dress. Nails digging into the girl’s skin, she threw her backwards into her cell again, sending her tumbling to the floor. From far off, a few imprisoned nights shouted at her to stop. They were all found of the serving girl, as Morgana had once been.

    Morgause smirked proudly, walking away and leaving her sister to do the same. Just as Morgana was about to depart, (Y/N)’s quiet voice stopped her.

    “You said you loved me once,” she whispered, making her stop cold in her tracks. “You said you’d put aside the hatred and the vengeance if it meant you had me.”

    “I was different then,” Morgana muttered, her voice less fire and more poison now.

    (Y/N) sniffed, wiping at her face. “You were. You were sweet and kind. Not a day went by that I didn’t see it in you. What happened, Morgana?”

    “Nothing happened,” was her reply. “I just decided to change things.”

    “And you can change them again!” (Y/N) spoke desperately, sitting up from the ground. “You can change things. You can come home and we can go back to the way it was. This time, you and Arthur can stop Uther. You can change things.”

    Morgana was silent for a moment, almost considering her words.

    Morgause sauntered in again, a devilish smirk upon her expression. “Coming, sister? We have a kingdom to take, after all.”

    “Of course,” Morgana said instantly, echoing her sister’s tone.

    She left the dungeon without a second glance at (Y/N), who burst into tears the moment she was gone.

    “You can’t save her, (Y/N). No one can.”

    “I refuse to believe that, Merlin. If anyone can save her, it’s me. And I’m going to try until it damn well kills me! Because I won’t abandon her-- not now, not ever.”

    It was close to midnight that same evening when the dungeon was opened again. All the nights lay asleep in their cells, but (Y/N) had yet to slumber. She was just beginning to drift off into a dream world when a quiet voice broke through her drowsiness.

    “(Y/N), (Y/N), wake up.”

    The servant girl jumped awake, flinching so hard that she sat up off the ground and whirled around to face whoever startled her. Much to her surprise, and perhaps fear, Morgana stood there, clothed in a red cloak and robes befitting a peasant.

    “Morgana?” (Y/N) whispered, almost shrinking back farther into her cell. “You came back.”

    The sparkle in the sorceress’s eyes died a little. “Did you really think I’d leave you here?”

    “I’d...considered it,” she admitted with a mumble. She then clambered to her feet and met Morgana at the cell door, glancing about to spot any lurking guards. “Was it all fake then? You, working with Morgause?”

    There was a change in Morgana’s expression, a flicker of regret passing her features.

    “I--” she began to defend herself, but stopped. “I’ve made a mistake. I don’t know how to fix it.”

    “Oh, Morgana,” (Y/N) muttered fondly.

    Shocking both herself and the former lady of Camelot, she reached a gentle hand through the cell door, placing it against Morgana’s cheek. Her skin was cold, but Morgana felt nothing but warmth and comfort.

    “How do I fix this, (Y/N)?” She begged.

    Had Uther been there to hear her, he would’ve shamed her for doing such a thing. A lady did not beg, nor did a traitor. Luckily, (Y/N) was not Uther. She would never be.

    “I want to fix this,” Morgana said again. “I’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake, I know. I never wanted this.”

    (Y/N) smiled sadly. “What did you want, Morgana?”

    “I wanted…” She hesitated, but a tiny smile broke out on her face. “I wanted you. Just me and you against the world, against Uther. I thought this was the way to get that, but I know better now.”

    “In that case--” (Y/N) began, grinning.

    She pressed herself closely to the cell door and, to the best of her ability, kissed her lady through the bars. It was a feeling she would never forget; the ice-cold lips of the Lady Morgana. It was a feeling reserved for her and her alone, for as long as she would live. Or at least, so she hoped.

    When the kiss ended, Morgana could not wipe the smile from her face. “How do I fix it, (Y/N)?”

    “You come home,” came the servant girl’s whisper. “You stop Morgause and you come home to Arthur, to Uther-- however you may hate him.”

    “And what of my magic?”

    (Y/N)’s fingers danced along her arm in a comforting gesture. “They don’t know of it, yet, do they?” When Morgana shook her head, she smiled. “Then that’s a problem for another day. We’ll find a way to stop Uther and save your people-- but we’re going to do it together.”

    Morgana kissed her again, sweeter and softer this time.

    It was a promise, a sort of promise; one that she meant to keep. It was a promise to love, to hold, and to protect, even if it meant the death of her.

    The sorceress nodded slowly, a kiss still lingering on her lips. “Together.”

Merlin Tags: @pearlll09

Masterlist

#morgana x reader #morgana oneshot #morgana fanfiction #morgana imagine #merlin bbc #bbc merlin #merlin #merlin x reader #merlin oneshot #merlin imagine #merlin fanfiction #arthur pendragon #morgana pendragon #king arthur #prince arthur #uther pendragon #morgause #novakitty #novakitty114 #generallynerdy #river #rivika

[thepringlesofblood]

thoughts on stranger things three  (spoilers. so many.)

this is just me yellin into the void as usual, but I like recording my opinions on things even if no one will read them 

good:

- every single scene w/ the robin, steve, erica, dustin gang, especially!!! the coming out scene. scoops?? iconic. steve and dustin’s secret handshake? transcendent. the drugged out back to the future scene? perfect. 

- eleven and max say fuck the patriarchy. love el’s new look 

- more competent women is always a win

- funhouse fight!!! carnival fight!!!FIREWORKS??!??!

- the destruction of the mall (sadly the only anticapitalist symbolism I could find)

- the scene after jonathan and nancy get fired where they’re angry about their separate marginalized identities making this loss worse. I really liked how it went into the ways it will impact both of them, and I especially liked when nancy got home and talked to her mom. 

- joyce going buckwild and getting shit done. 

- the portrayal of hypervigilance as a symptom of PTSD. All of these characters have seen some shit, and all of them pick up on the littlest things the second they present themselves because subconsciously, they’re always on edge, always aware of bad it could break. 

- most of will’s character arc. not all, but most of it. the queer experience of watching all your friends get dates and feeling like you’re missing out on something? trying to regain their interest because you feel lost and left behind? worrying that you’re not “growing up” because you don’t recognize romantic interest in yourself? not realizing you’re falling for your best friend until they get a romantic partner and suddenly you hate the partner even though they haven’t done anything wrong? a poignant, beautiful, very painful portrayal of queer teenhood. I really, really wish there was a moment that the audience realized will was in love with mike though. Like, it’s been building for a very long time. Also, a more thorough confirmation of will’s queerness would’ve been nice. I think they meant mike saying “you don’t understand bc you don’t like girls” to be that confirmation, but I want to hear it from will. Robin’s moment is so so so good though. 

- domestic fuckery 

- getting someone on the inside to help them/alexei as a character. not the symbolism or larger ramifications of his character arc, but how his knowledge and personality interacted. 

- mr clarke!!!!

- el going into someone’s memories again

- how prepared everyone is to fight because they’ve seen this shit before and robin and erica are just like ‘this might as well happen’ 

- keeping with the stranger things pattern of having a bunch of different groups of people all in different genres and then together they all meet up and go ?????

- I know every says billy didn’t get enough of a redemption arc but tbh I did not see his character development as redeeming in any way and I liked that. It didn’t excuse his abusive actions, it just explained them. There was no “oh he was secretly good all along”, no dramatic total character reversal on his death bed, just him deciding that he had enough of being controlled. Max didn’t get full closure with him, he didn’t say some big speech about being wrong or realizing the ramifications of his actions bc he hadn’t reached that point yet. he just said “I’m sorry” and died. that could mean “i’m sorry for how I’ve treated you”, “I’m sorry for how many people I’ve killed”, “I’m sorry for not being able to stop the monster”, anything. we don’t know what it means. we don’t get an explanation. It speaks to how survivors of abuse often don’t get to know why, don’t get closure, don’t get all the answers. 

- steve finally won a fight before getting the shit kicked out of him

- the whole no one knowing anything about each other bc no cell phones and/or wasnt there when It Happened. 

- Erica getting the DND set was poetic cinema 

- when joyce sees will on the firetruck and they run towards each other because finally, for once, will is completely unscathed, will isn’t the one who got hurt/possessed. I was already crying but this is the part where i had to get tissues bc I was sobbing. 

Bad:

- the red scare bullshit and glorification of capitalism. this show started out as “the US govt is doing shady shit” and now the big climatic “everything’s alright” is the army getting there?? what the fuck. There’s being accurate to the time period and then there’s sending a message. they could’ve subverted that trope in so many ways, but they just went for straight up “capitalism is great! fuck russia!” and I hated that. also, talk about one-note villainry. there weren’t even any dramatic monologues to make up for it, it just kinda sucked. 

- Hopper’s character in the beginning of the season. the scene where he gets wasted after getting stood up? shitty. not talking to el about his vaguely sexist overprotective actions? shitty. blowing up at joyce for no reason? shitty. he pulls it together in the end but it was OOC for a bit there. Plus I would kill for more “hopper and el work through their trauma together”, rather than “friend group splinters bc hopper did a yell” 

- I don’t know what to think about hopper’s death. It just hurts, and not in a satisfying, last harry potter book way. 

- why the fuck are the byers and el moving?????? did they ever give a reason???? WHY?????? WILL AND EL’S ENTIRE SUPPORT NETWORK, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH AND CAN HELP THEM, IS IN HAWKINS!!!!!

- the ads. omg the ads. lucas idc about your fucking coke. there’s so much goddamn product placement. christ on a goddamn bicycle. 

- previous seasons have had body horror, but it was all black goo so it was removed from reality and conveyed a psychological, otherworldly horror. and I liked that. WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH FUCJING MEAT IN THIS ONE??? THE MIND FLAYER LOOKED LIKE IT WAS MADE OF BBQ SAUCE AND I HATED IT!!! STOP!!!THE MEATS!!!!!

- can el not be injured......for oNCE?????

- also can people stop standing around staring at shit so much? theyve seen it before. it’s not like it’s a huge shock. people stand around for like 5 minutes before Doing Things and it annoys me. with the New Kids like erica and robin it makes sense but like....whenever theres a monster mike just sits there like :o cOME ON DUDE YOU’VE DONE THIS SO MANY TIMES GET A KNIFE OR SOMETHIN!!!

- WHAT. WAS. THE GREEN STUFF?????????????????? IS IT FUCKING PLUTONIUM OR SOMETHING???? WHAT THE FUCK!!! IF YOU NEED A MACGUFFIN BE LESS OBVIOUS ABOUT IT!!!

- idk about you but murray yelling at them about sex kinda rubbed me the wrong way. 

- speaking of, you caNNOT convince me that murray, 4 locks on the front door lives in a bunker murray, would take a goddamn enemy of the state to a carnival and leave him alone for any period of time. seriously????????

- look.....it was adorable.....i’ll give you that.....but.....the song dustin and suzy sang slapped me with secondhand embarrassment and genre disconnect so hard I found it impossible to enjoy. also...planck’s constant??? you could/......idk........call mr clarke????????? you’ve interrupted the man’s life for less!!!! I was also half expecting it to be joyce who remembered it from all the studying she did on the magnets. I did enjoy the whole “i met a girl at camp” story being unbelievable until it was but like I was expecting the thing she wanted him to say to be like a famous star wars love quote or something not an entire song jesus christ 

- if hopper turns out to be alive I will face god and walk backwards into hell. I suffered through supernatural, I will not be caught in a cycle of fake deaths again. 

- i get the whole “we’re growing up now” thing but aren’t they like 13? theyre still so young??? also like i dont rly care for the vague soap-opera-y vibes the core squad gave off. 

- the only people who got flayed were either a. already pretty shitty or b. completely unknown. like. it just made it less scary????

- hopper just fucking standing by the machine looking at joyce instead of running the 5 seconds up the steps into the room. seriously? was that supposed to be slow motion or was that real time??? 

- the whole thing with cerebro not working at the beginning sucked ass. 

- hey does mrs wheeler have eyes??? like??? there were exactly two (2) scenes she had with mike and nancy and both were Big Conversations like they live there right/????tbh i forgot she was their mom until those scenes bc of the whole billy thing, which i decidedly do not have an opinion on but like....do they eat breakfast there??? 

#spoilers #stranger things spoilers #stranger things #stranger things 3 #stranger things 3 spoilers

[aboutagirl4031]

I can’t explain the sadness I feel, I promised Luna it was always gonna be me and her. I wanted to give her my undivided everything forever. I’m honestly taking the new baby harder than she is because when she sleeps all I can think about how devasted she was when I first told her, like I know we’ll be okay but I can’t get over how I was so set on our moments forever and I feel like I hurt my first baby with the second because I was so okay with what I told myself and what the doctor’s had told me. I noticed how uncomfortable people would get when they asked me if I was excited about the new baby and if I didn’t answer like “OMG YES I AM SO EXCITED AND BLAH BLAH BLAh” I don’t think they understand the extent of what I truly went through.

I suffered with weird periods, more body hair, fatigue, weight fluctuations and so much more and finally got diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome and it was fucking traumatic hearing the doctor explain and educate me right then and there after what we saw what my ovaries looked like on the ultrasound. My ears were ringing, his voice slowly faded out and I felt like my body was slowly moving backwards and I didn’t even noticed bc It was like I completely left my body and I did that for weeks after that appointment, he said it would be harder or I would haft to try harder to have another baby and that Luna was probably a miracle when she did happen and how she was conceived, I never planned another baby but being told I couldn’t just decide to have one or maybe it would have been impossible to have another baby really rocked me to my core and I didn’t even acknowledge myself well enough to realize my fertility was important to me. Everything I went through at the beginning of this year has transformed me so drastically and was filled with so many tears, anxiety, restless and emptiness. I had just got broken up with because I had a breakdown, a breakdown that was caused because of my mentally abusive/toxic partner, he constantly pushed me to my breaking point just because I wanted him to take accountability for his actions towards me and his daughter, he treated us so awful and so I gave him that same energy back and he couldn’t handle it, I never felt bad for treating him how he treated me because it got to the point where I really believed I didn’t deserve jack shit and that I was unworthy and “heartless” I let my happiness depend on a person who doesn’t even love themselves and I promised myself that I would love me so I wouldn’t beg another shallow man for it, I got so far in my ptsd therapy and in my spiritual journey I can handle so many things thrown at me, I no longer broke down at the smallest inconvenience, I no longer allowed peoples projections and micro aggressions define me because i knew who I was, I sifted through all the trauma I had already endured and over came … realized that I wasn’t fucking weak or suicidal, I was just treated like shit by a bunch of people with unhealed traumas/ toxic environments and their opinions of me never defined me, everyone always had an opinion about me and once I realized my power , the love I have for myself and my knowledge because I learned my lessons the hard way and had to grow up fast because of the trauma and my shitty parents. I love my this life, I love what I have overcome and I love my babies.

So I continue with the heartbreak/love of hearing sorry your fertility cannot be tracked because of your pcos and we never know when you can have another baby to 3 months later going in for a UTI test and two days later hearing them tell me no UTI but that I was pregnant. I cried immediately and I don’t think anyone truly understands what I felt like in that moment, I cried from the bottom of soul that I had lost my breathe on the phone with the nurse and she was so concerned she was like “Um are you okay…we’re you expecting this?,do you wanna keep the baby?” and I immediately said “yes of course but oh my gosh” through deep breaths. I still feel so bad for doing that to the nurse that day but bless your heart for understanding what I was going through. I immediately called my mom with that same labored breathes that I didn’t even notice my toddler climbed into to bed with me and she was rubbing my hand asking if I was okay, my mom start crying too and I was so in shock to hear that IM PREGNANT AGAIN. She knows because she was the first one I told about my ovaries and my miracle baby Luna 😂❤️

Everyone thought it was everybody but me but alas I went into the er to see how far along I was because it was a Friday and I couldn’t wait til Monday bc I was having more pain than usual, er took me in and did ultrasound and blood work to start… the doctors they had couldn’t tell what they were looking at so I had to wait for dr eastam from women’s clinic and wait for my blood work to come back, hours went by as I laid in the cold hospital wondering and panicking, I couldn’t believe how fast everything turned into a nightmare once again.

I finally got to eastam and he said it looked like I bled a lot.. he didn’t understand where the blood was coming from but his first guess was a molar pregnancy considering how high my HCG levels were in my blood test at only 6 weeks pregnant … he said by now I should’ve miscarried or they thought the pain I went in for was the start of a miscarriage so they made a decision to send me home and literally wait for me to miscarry instead of admitting me to the hospital because my pain wasn’t that bad. He said we’ll wait 7 days and then you can come back in and we’ll redo another ultrasound to see if the baby grew healthy or detached basically and if the baby had no heartbeat then he would send me in for a D&C surgery, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I fully packed a bag and prepared for them so take my baby out but as soon as we got the baby on ultrasound everything was completely normal, and the baby had grown I wanted to jump up and scream. He guessed that maybe all that blood had come from the way my placenta was attaching but he measured the baby and the baby was a completely healthy looking pregnancy a huge difference from what we saw last week, he got me my first official ultrasound picture and gave me the official congratulations and said we will be starting my prenatal appointments, I walked out feeling like I was on a cloud …. I’m having another baby.

I just went through all of this and yet I became stronger and happier within myself, I had confidence in my body and my soul, I had so much love for myself and my life. I’m still in shock but I can’t wait to have another little baby again ❤️ unplanned doesn’t mean unloved. I’m so proud of me for holding myself together so well and still being a good mother to Luna, nobody can take away my power

I have earned every bit of happiness that I have been working so hard on and I don’t have to prove a single thing to anybody, I don’t haft to prove my worthiness and growth to a single fucking person, I know me

I know who I am and that’s enough. If people were really worthy of seeing my growth it would happen but that’s the real kicker with growth, people still remember you only for the person you were when you met them, they don’t allow for you to grow in their thoughts. People still look at me as that shallow depressed sixteen year old and I am so far from her, I appreciate her because without her I wouldn’t be who I am today.

[resmarted]

here i am again, smashing the crystal vases and good china, ravaging the beautiful dining room and chucking antiques across the room. i want to be done here, i want to be done here! i want to move on, but to what? i can’t remember how to even be a person, i can’t find the light and this tunnel is so dark and endless, we don’t even have headlights to guide us. i came here to bring you on a date in the stylings of nineties classic it takes two starring kirstie alley and the olsens, except instead of mka we are switching them out for young taylor swifts, that’s right two of them, which is all i could think about the entire time i rewatched it again. so here goes nothing, we open on a street corner in philly because this is our version and the ahhccents are gonna be mewr sewth philly than ahhhnything. taylor swift number one, let’s call her taytay the scrappy orphan that has self-professed lousy english like aintcha gonna wanna git ewta here before they catcha? nobody even blinks and in pigtails and a worn out backwards baseball cap on her head, this ten year old who is probably played by an eight year old swift bc coming from a fellow tall person we just sprout from the crib it’s nuts, i’ve always looked older than i was from being tall. so eight year old swift is playing ten year old scrappy orphan taytay who is always chewing gum and has a baseball bat as kirstie alley (YOU.) look out the window and yell at her like, cmahhn tay! you got an appt with the butkis’ and i told u not to get that dress dirty! and tiny taylor chewing gum is like awww cuhmuhhhhhn doi-anne! just lemme knahck this one outta the pawrk first! that’s not the line it’s something else referencing the fact that they’re playing in the middle of the street of their inner city neighborhood. she is the pretty white girl of the orphanage so it makes no sense she hasn’t been adopted but is of course the star athlete of the kids and favorite of the social worker you-kirstie alley. she is accosted by kids and called a reject and lil taytay’s all why i awwwghta! she’s making her best >:| face, and pop goes the weasel she hits the ball and probably breaks a window or something and as she runs to the cab the kids are like, the butkis ppl are creeps that collect kids! and taytay is tayrrified before threatening the other kids with her fists in the air as the cab drives away. cut to a close up of a nineties cellphone and private plane landing, and taylor number two is wearing a practical pantsuit in beige and just won another piano competition, and she overpronounces all of her t’s at the end of her words. let’s call her fancita. yes i’m serious, i’m already so tired and bored of this story, it was way more exciting after rewatching the other night. whatever this story is just a remix of the parent trap anyway and that’s why we have two baby swifts and don’t ask me why, don’t ask me why i’ve taken you this far down the rabbithole but let’s just keep going until we find each other. so fancita is an aristocratic princess that plays tennis and i don’t know, i’m just trying to get to the part where they are like omg let’s get this social worker and rich man who has a cell phone company before that’s even a thing, and while orphan taytay is in danger of becoming the next adopted butkis - which in this version is just straight up trafficking ring i mean come on, they were pedos and it was heavily insinuated in the movie, but basically she’s in danger of being adopted into an abusive hellhole and fancitay is like hey girl hey! when her butler arrives to pick her up from her private jet. the nineties always portrayed wealth with these long ridiculous limos and british butler limo drivers, which as we now all know rich people are just driven in cars w tinted windows and the only people riding in limos are seniors in high school, but i digress. she meets her new soon-to-be stepmother, also played by taylor swift, present day style. she’s all, when i was your age i had already been through three stepmothers, you’ll be in a tibetan boarding school as soon as the wedding is over tomorrow! for this she is in her satanic red high priestess dress from lwymmd, golden snake rings at all. actually let’s just say at some point she’s bathing in diamonds as well, i mean there are many versions of her current snake-embraced image that we can use for this but that’s not the point, it is that im not even in love with grown taylor swift! i am just trying to fill the void of my dead wife who loved children and built a camp conveniently across from the literal castle we live in. i haven’t been there since, pushes back hair like sigh, since she died ten years ago right after fancitay was born. i’m all, cell phones, i hate the damn things. back when i invested in them everyone thought it was just something out of star trek and now i’m a lonely billionaire marrying snake taylor in a haze of confusion and thinking that’s what i should do, fancita needs a mother after all. you’re a tough talking protective mama bear that wants to adopt orphan taytay but you’re just a social worker and what? the butkis’ already had the paperwork go through to adopt her?? i come to find you after a failed horse meetup planted by the taylor twins to apologize for leaving you to get yelled at by steptaylor, and you’re like look keep your fancy cell phone company lifestyle and keep it moving, bucko! in the movie they get into a food fight but i’m not trying to go that deep, but basically we fight until you, an enraged four foot two version of kirstie alley okay you’re actually just a tiny goth and i’m a clumsy ogre, that part never changes. you push me with all your might, not necessary trying to push me into the river but it happens and i’m all, oh my god i feel like a kid again! this must be love! okay but seriously, that part’s the realest. i do feel like a kid again, and this must be love, mustn’t it? what will our tiny taylors tell us? we don’t know what it is or why, but it makes sense because we feel it, i can feel you. even when you say to your fellow social worker friend (played by your bandmate and beloved drummer) guys like that only date girls with food names like candy or muffin or cookie, and princess taylor disguised as orphan taylor turns around from her archery practice, greatly offended and snapping back, his dead wife was a teacher that loved kids and built this camp and she wasn’t a food her name was kathy with a k played by kourtney in a brief shot of her glamorously in a casket but dripping in jewels and hands delicately crossed over her chest. whatever, goth kourtney fantasies are not the point ok i know that. you look at princess taylor disguised as pauper taylor and are like well excuse me jeez, you don’t gotta bully me over it. sigh so then the state comes for her and accidentally send my daughter to some terrifying child sex ring that nightmares are made of and turned into dateline episodes, and this one is no less horrifying. orphan taylor shows the butler various scars and marks and bruises to show that she’s a fraudulent child that happens to just be another cute blonde that adults didn’t look closely enough at and notice bc they aren’t actually twins in this story, they’re just strangers that look alike. which honestly is prob when they first really started making the olsens insane irl like, pitting them against each other by pointing out fraternal differences and how one was the cute one the other was just the sister oh, don’t even get me started, dear. steptaylor comes home with ultra long extensions like repunzel after sneaky orphan taylor put gum in her hair. the original she gets it all cut off and suddenly her loss of beauty is signified by a short haircut which is so dumb and we just can’t agree with something so stupid, so in this she comes back with thousands of dollars worth of hair that isn’t hers just to prove her worth and appeal, which honestly is much sadder than a short sassy do any day. we get to the home of the butkis’ but no one answers and a neighbor who in the actual movie looks exactly like mike, like no shit just put a bass on him and it’s like every dude in a band probably but him specifically - unless i hallucinated it, the point is! he originally says oh that guy works those kids into the ground at the factory all day, or something like that, but in this version maybe he just shudders bc everyone just gets the pervy vibe from this butkis guy. the door gets kicked in as they are just about to initiate her into the butkis cult of abuse, and i don’t know i think it just ends with like, kirstie alley and the dad kissing? like they don’t get married or anything i don’t think. which leaves so many questions open like, if they do end up getting married, will the taylors become friends? will fancita resent taytay for taking up space and attention away? or will she be so grateful for good mother that everything will be fine and normal and fall into place? it seems like they’re all destined to end up on doctor phil. i mean, what happens when this bonehead (me) doesn’t continue to invest properly and his dumb luck cell phone business inevitably plummets because by the late nineties they’re a dime a dozen and each one is a sinking ship. what happens when they go bankrupt and all have to be poor, will they stay together? will princess taylor be like this is all your fault you’re bad luck with your poor people vibes! bc she can’t understand the crashing economy and how this is just what happens to people, one day you can be rich and the next totally broke, and it’s not really anyone’s fault. are you going to still love me even though i am horrible at saving money is what i’m asking? like, can you just quietly move money around in my accounts for me and put stuff in my savings when i’m not looking? because if i see literally any extra change i’m going to be like time to go eat giant cheeseburgers and drink ourselves into a coma! i got a groupon for a hotel stay in florida, let’s road trip! i know what your biggest concern is besides money and it’s because i know you like the back of my head (not at all), but the answer is no, steptaylor drowns in a sea of snakes at some point because i don’t have time for a decent end for her. i feel like it should be more feminist, like maybe she gets a job slinging mary kay and in the process realizes not only is she a boss at making her own income but that she doesn’t even need the amount of makeup she had been using before. she has like her own spiritual journey in the background somewhere far, far away from us and our super exclusive love, as well as our twin daughters taylor one and taylor two. i have completely forgotten their names by now but i’m just here to see if you even still love me. well? do you??? i’m just trying to prepare you for when i’m like, starting every other sentence with “you know when my wife died…” at really inappropriate times like, to a cashier in the checkout line or just in bed when we are having a romantic evening that i was bound to spoil in one way or another, so it may as well be with dead wife talk. you will probably just laugh and attempt to smother me with a pillow for being so, so embarrassing. i miss you i love you i hate you i don’t know you. i want you. do i ever even say anything else anymore? i mean it is halloween season so technically i don’t have to be original, right? you are the only ghost i could ever truly love, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how i arrived to this world haunted. pls tho, don’t ever stop being my best boo.

#long reads

[horror-sc0pe]

People are the way they are for a reason. I'm paranoid, anxious, insecure, and lonely. There hasnt been a lot of times that anyone made me feel secure and safe with myself or them.

It wasnt fun spending 2nd - 6th grade hearing how big my teeth were and how weird I was for liking anime, and that wouldn't have been too bad if it didn't adapt into something worse.

It wasnt fun spending 7th - 12th grade upgrading the teasing to harassment. " You look like a horse" "You're fake and your boyfriend is using you" "Whats wrong with your face" "You look like a holocaust victim"

Its not fun when your first boyfriend is cheating on you, multiple times with multiple people, but you're hearing it from his brothers friends who are being dicks just to fuck things up, or hearing it on formspring where everyone else was  already spewing negative things. Its not fun when someone finally steps up and sends you screenshots of proof and you just wasted a year thinking it was his brothers friends, when you find out after things are true. And it wasnt fun having his mom call me and my mom sluts or rude bc we treated him better than she did and she was jealous. It wasnt fun when she only allowed him to see me outside of school, once or twice a month and in that time all he did was try to touch me and force things on me after I said no and wasnt ready.

Its not fun when the week you and your second boyfriend get together, hes kicked out of his house to go live in maryland and in that month 1/2 time, you only see him for a week before he changes his tumblr name to the name of another girl and breaks up with you after.

Its not fun when your 3rd boyfriend doesnt let you break up with them because you were ambushed by him right after you got rejected and made you feel wanted when you previously didnt, then realize the mistake and try to be truthful, but he wont let you. Then starts taking his anger out on you by saying everything you like is dumb and treats you like a dog. Literally. And when he finally lets the break up happen, stalks you for the next year, contacting your friends, or have strangers message you, shows up in public places, and letters begging for you back, and that theres nothing left to live for. It definitely didnt make you feel guilty and anxious because you did make a mistake, but you also tried to end it in the beginning.

Its not fun when your 4th boyfriend actually gets contacted the second your relationship status goes up with a threat from the 3rd boyfriend saying that he's gonna get you back. Its not fun when your 4th boyfriend tells you he has cancer, he's adopted, and he's been sexually abused. Will text you in the middle of the night saying he took a bunch of pills because he was trying to kill himself. Sexually abuse you. Tell his friends that you tell him to starve himself (when it never happened), attacked you online, and lets his friends do the same. Its not fun when he says hes going to the hospital for surgery the exact day you asked him to hang out and a half assed aplogy months later.

Its not fun when your 5th boyfriend is actually the best you've had, but his (ex) best friend spends a year giving him ultimatums, writing on twitter that you're in love with someone else, you killed his cat, you're only with him for money, calling your store asking for you, you can overdose on all the pills you're taking for your "fake" anxiety, you're  a cunt and she knows where you live. Its not fun when you feel like you're the reason he's having a hard time bc he's put in the situation too and neither of you can do anything about it. When all you did was exist and its hard to enjoy a relationship when its being ripped apart (even though lies) online, constantly.

Its not fun losing all your friends in a couple of months. Getting your face put on a horses. Told that you're gonna be recorded running with retarded horse music in the background. Having someone you care about attempt suicide. Being 'neighed' at in the mall or at school. Even saying you have anxiety and others telling you "yeah well I deal with this, this and this and have anxiety but I can do it, you're being immature" doesn't make anything feel good. Ive already written so much and its amazing how much more is left that I didnt say. Yikes.

I repeat this so many times. I keep saying it over and over. Ive told a lot of people. But it's never satisfying. I never feel heard enough. That's just another me problem. Im on medications now, I have friends now, I'm older now, and yet I have such a hard time moving forward. When I take a step in the right direction, I have a panic attack and feel even worse about myself. I tried going to school for cosmetology, 2 months in and I found myself in the bathroom crying, holding my knees and texting my mom to get me out of there. Same with a job. And every time I break down, I just stay there bc whenever I take a step, its gonna go backwards again. I'm not an adult. I'm barely a person. Why do I constantly feel like my experiences need to be heard. No one gives a fuck they all have their own problems. Its not anything new, this already happened, people have it worse and raise so much higher than I can. Even hanging out with friends my nervous system feels overwhelmed after a couple of hours. OH WAIT I KNOW IVE SAID THAT IN OTHER POSTS TOO. Well aren't I just a special snowflake. Best part is I don't even know how to build a wall around myself to keep my emotions protected till someone breaks it down. I really dont know how to do it. Life's a mess. Idk how people get places successfully. 

#rant

[lavendersmith]

LARRY PROMPT (????) OR MAYBE IT’S A ONESHOT IDK

[so this originated from a random thought I had when someone said that Simon Cowel is going to be put under investigation for abuse of the people that were contracted under him.

in this Harry and Louis dated and broke up

please excuse my spelling I’m kinda dyslexic]

The news broke out to the world like one big explosion. After the investigation started it wasn’t hard for them to find everything the companies were trying to hide. It was even easier for the news to spread to the media.

“Larry Sylinson is real! aka the headline you’ve been waiting for since 2010.”

“Harry Styles is a confirmed homosexual, causes an outage online.”

“Charges are being pressed against Simon Cowel and his companies for arbitrarily lying to the media.”

These headlines ranged from emotion to emotion; everyone’s twitter feed was a whole rollercoaster

For Louis it didn’t come as a surprise. Since the day he knew about the investigation he never doubted that this would happen. It was all a matter of time before they knew anyways. His fans were pretty outraged especially the elounor side of the fandom but he was still doing alright with his career.

Emotionally Though? He doesn’t think he’s been alright since that day.

They new almost everything.

They didn’t know the way that Harry’s lips felt. They didn’t know about the way he smiled when he was around Harry. They didn’t know about how he knew he had met his soulmate and lost him all because he was too young to know he had everything.

This all went down before his first album came out. Things seemed okay. The band was on a hiatus so hopefully it would’ve been easier to sneak around.

There were the good days.

Like when he dragged Harry in the middle of the night to an amusement park. He didn’t even give him enough time to change out of his panda bedroom shoes. It was a bit hard to sneak around but thier laughter fueled them enough to run around fast enough.

“YAAAY!” Harry cheered as he hit the final dart, winning a small bear. The lady handed it to him and he giggled and held it close to his heart.

Louis smiled wider than he had in a while.

“Here,” Harry smiled and handed him the bear. “thanks for tonight. I love you so much.”

And God, he loved him too.

Then there were the bad days.

Somehow their companies still found a way to keep them apart. Harry’s heart would break everytime he’d have to see Louis and Eleanor together.

“DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO KISS HER THOUGH?!” Harry screamed through his tears.

“DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO?!” Louis asked. When Harry didn’t respond he let out a bitter chuckle. “Wow,” he walked backwards “if you really think that’s how it is, that I care about you so little that I’d just kiss anyone else with my own free will. Okay.”

Before anything else could happen, Louis walked out the door.

The two hadn’t seen each other face to face since.

And here Louis was, many years later and to many songs (by both of them) about it later and he still wasn’t over that night. He never seemed to be able to stop missing Harry. He’d spend his nights awake alone in his bed with the bear sitting on his bedside table.

The pain seemed to worsen now that all the news was out. He felt like the world just had to keep reminding him about what he fucked up.

12pm and he was barely awake when his phone rang. He pulled himself out of bed with the little stuffed bear in his arms.

He answered the call with half open eyes. “Hello?”

“Hi.” Harry said from the other line. His voice was unclear because it wasn’t a face to face conversation but it still sent the other’s heart racing.

Louis whole body jerked awake. His eyes wide and he was moving to get out of bed.

“Uhhh yeah-“ he could barely believe it. “it’s been a while since you’ve called.”

Harry laughed and Louis heart filled from the sweet sound. “Yeah it has.”

Silence filled the air and Louis barely felt stable. He wanted to cry and he wanted to scream. He just felt so much at once he didn’t know what to do.

“So,” Harry continued. “I wanted to ask you if you’d want to meet up. You know, now that we aren’t practically being forced apart. Maybe we could catch up.”

“Yeah yeah I’d love that.” Louis smiled. “Are you free today. We could meet up?”

“Sure!” His voice perked up. “I’ll send you the address of the cafe.”

“Don’t worry you don’t need to.” Louis said. “I still remember the beachwood cafe.”

Once again silence feel upon them but Louis could feel Harry’s smile through the phone. “Okay.” He said. “See you then.”

The call ended quickly.

“Bye.” Louis whispered even if no one else was on the line like he was still in shock.

Later that day he sat in thier usual table 15 minutes early. His hands felt warm against the cup of coffee with a little heart art on top of it. “Friends” by Ed Sheeran played gently in the background of the gentle chatter in the cafe.

“Hey!” 5 years ago Harry smiled as he sat across him. He leaned over and kissed him on the lips chastely.

Louis felt his cheeks warm. “Harry someone might see us!” He scolded but he was clearly happy.

“I don’t care.” He smiled.

Louis knew then that he would love this man forever. He wanted to etch ever part of him in his heart forever. He promised himself that he’d never let him go.

He broke that promise.

He was shaken out of his reverie when the little bell rang signaling that someone had entered. Louis looked up to be greeted by the same green eyes hidden behind shades.

“Hey!” Harry smiled and the de javu hit him hard. He sat down across him and called over the waitress to order his drink.

Louis tried to suppress the part of him that was disappointed he didn’t lean over to kiss him.

Once the girl walked away he took of his shades and those forest green eyes were looking straight into his soul.

“So,” Harry was a little hesistant. “How’ve you been?”

The coversation started like this. It was awkward and conservative. Though one very bad joke from Harry later and they seemed to fall right back into their old habits.

“Hey it wasn’t my fault!” Harry excmaied as Louis laughed. “The mic got stuck on the floor!”

They were both laughing hard and everything seemed okay. The realization hit Louis like a brick wall. This is how they should’ve been, laughing in the beachwood cafe. He should be holding Harry’s hand and kissing his lips. He should be falling asleep in his arms and waking up next to him.

He wasn’t. All because he fucked it up that one night.

His laughs slowly turned into sobs and sniffles as tears streamed down his cheeks. He tried to wipe them off but was unsuccessful.

“Louis are you crying?” Harry asked with his voice dripping with care and love that Louis wanted to cry harder. “Why?”

“Because,” he choked out. “this should be us. You should’ve been mine and I should’ve been yours. We were supposed to be together and build our life together. I was supposed to be happy.”

Harry sat in silence as “Too Young” started playing on the speakers. He chuckled at the timing.

“I-I’m miss you so much.” He finally looked up to let the other see his tear stained ocean eyes. “I messed up. I should’ve reached out instead of running like a coward and spending all these years without you. I just wish that that could be us.”

Harry smiled and leaned forward. He pulled his hands off the coffee cup and held them in his. “Let’s do it.”

Louis looked at him in confusion.

Harry smiled and pulled his hands closer. “I can be yours and you can be mine. We can be together and live our life together. You can be happy.”

Words couldn’t describe how much Louis wanted that.

“We-we can’t.” He tried to pull away but Harry kept holding his hand. “You don’t love me like that anymore. You’ve moved on and it’s unfair for me to hold you back.”

Harry sighed and let go of his hands. Louis felt so empty without his touch but knew him letting go was for the best.

Harry pulled out his phone and earphones. He handed them to him with a recording open on the screen.

“Listen.” Louis nodded his head and did as he was told.

The opening of cherry played and Louis felt like his heart was going to shatter because he remembered that this song wasn’t about him.

Though instead of Camille’s voice he could’ve sworn that he heard his own laugh echoing through.

“Don’t you call her baby.”

He had changed all the pronouns to female and Louis looked up at Harry in confusion. The other didn’t say anything; he just let him listen.

The music faded out and the voice recording was about to play. He braced himself for heartbreak.

Instead he heard his same laugh from the start of the video.

“Hey baby!” It was Louis in the recording. He remembered this. It was from years ago on Harry’s birthday. The management forced them to stay away on that day so Louis made this recoding to make Harry feel better.

“Just wanted to say that,” he paused to chuckle. “I love you so much. You’re the reason for my happiness and I hope that I can return the favor. You’re my sunshine I hope you have a a amazing day! See you tonight!”

Louis took off the earphones without breaking eye contact with Harry. “Sweet Creature” was already half way through.

“That’s the original version of Cherry.” Harry said. “Of course they made me change it so I could release it but I thought you deserved to hear it.”

Louis was still in shock. “So all this time,” he could barely fathom it “all these songs, were about me?”

Harry smiled and nodded his head up and down. “So now are you willing to take up my offer?”

Louis put his hand on his cheek and pulled him in for a long overdue kiss.

“Is that a yes?” Harry smiled against his lips.

“Definitely.”

[CAN LARRY COME OUT NOW PLS I’M UGKY SOBBING BC I LOVE THEM]

#larry fic #larry stylinson #larry #1d fan fiction #1d #louis tomilson #louis and harry #harry styles #cherry #harry styles fanfiction #larries #fanfic #im sobbing #larry is real