#bc I know *how* I could fix all the things but I can't *afford* to

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

wouw i can draw someone other than the guy

#death note #near #nate river #light yagami #manga redraw #my art #probably the last ones for the night but who knows #this guy is fun to doodle #i like his smirk #really regretting skipping so much earlier this semester bc i don't want to go to class tomorrow but i can't really afford to :/ #we're getting back to the point of the semester where i want to drop out again #but actually i think that's just because it's the weekend i lose all emotional and mental stability on the weekend that's just how it is #anyway none of u could ever guess but i'm tired #but i have to do stressful things because the ppl i live with are purposefully doing things that trigger the ocd bc they think i'm faking #but uhhhh no sorry and now i have to do a bunch of necessarily intricate and painful things to fix it #i really need to get out of here tbh but i can't really leave until i'm graduated #so i suffer #anyway enjoy the doodles :]

[violetclarity]

The problem with being depressed but in therapy/on medication is that I try to actually figure out what will make myself feel better when I'm down, but because I can't go online shopping to find a friend group that will regularly want to do things with me, instead I'm probably going to impulse buy a table.

#I don't usually use facebook marketplace but when I do etc. #I rearranged my living room furniture a few weeks ago and I need something to go behind the couch #I had high hopes of building something but realistically that's not going to happen #and I'm over not having a space to put my lamp bc I hate my overhead lighting #what I'm really sad about is feeling super lonely but that's not fixable lol you know what is? #needing a table. #ergo if I go get a table I'll feel better?? #it's hard to be really broke but also committed to trying to improve your wellbeing and surroundings #bc I know *how* I could fix all the things but I can't *afford* to #(although tbqh if I could afford it I'd just move out of my current apartment bc there's so many things I can't fix about it) #anyway...

[re-lmayer]

i've found myself in a bad situation. the tl;dr is i have to move, but i can't afford to. i'm a disabled student and just do not have the funds required to rent a truck, hire movers, and cover deposits. so, i'm offering various services on my kofi, but if you don't need those you can also donate there or via paypal. my cashapp and venmo are both erinshelley91 if you'd like to donate on those platforms (i couldn't figure out how to link to those)

if you can't afford to commission me or to donate, reblogging this post and sharing my twitter thread is a free way to help me out and is so appreciated!

more context and stuff under the cut, i just don't want to make a long post on ppl's dashboards

my landlord has been cheating on his husband, and their relationship is rocky. he also has a massive spending addiction according to his husband. his spending addiction is making him not want to perform the actual duties of a landlord, because investment costs are cutting into his shopping spree funds

ex, he is illegally not fixing a leak in the shower of the upstairs tenants, and claims the costs are more than their rent. he told them to "figure it out, or get the fuck out." (verbatim.) he also told me it would be cheaper for him to not have tenants at all bc his utility bills would be smaller. he then left it to ME to inform another tenant to leave (then gaslit me and denied it in front of his husband when his husband questioned it)

in his words, we have 90 days to leave. i am disabled and a full time student and have been living on my fafsa returns, and the last job i had made one of my disabilities worse to the point i've had intensive physical therapy (several hours several times a week) and am likely going to have to undergo surgery

i'm also mi/nd, so even on a good day i'm not very well equipped to handle things, and the recent stress has also caused my therapist to see me several times a week in lieu of institutionalization

all that said, i'm not in a good spot physically or mentally, hence the best i can do right now is offer some of my skills on kofi

i'm currently working with my state's vocational rehab to try and find a suitable job until i can get my degree, but even then i simply would not be able to afford the costs of a sudden move in the timeframe i've got to work with

UPDATE MARCH 25, 2024: i want to invest in a scooter to do gig work like doordash. this will let me work at my own pace, and earn towards the move myself, then i'll have some more independence to continue doing that after as well

they require 50cc or under, which means i could get a scooter for under $1,000. i'd also need to cover fees to renew my license (i let it lapse since i haven't had a vehicle), get a helmet, and get insurance (roughly $100 annually)

i also made some amazon wishlists for folks who would like to help but prefer to know exactly where their money's going. i have one for housewarming stuff here, and one for necessities here

update as of april 5: my cat peed on my bed, and since it's a memory foam mattress it soaked all the way through and ruined it

update as of april 7: she did it again. this time there's blood in it

update as of april 14: i still haven't been able to take her to the vet, but i've been trying to do at home remedies

[stxrvel]

and still (3.5)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: the team has a curious discussion.

pairing: bucky barnes f!reader (the don't appear here)

words: less than 1k

warnings: none

note: i picture this like an interlude haha, it's like less than 800 words! really short. i thought i might give you an advance of what's really happening bc??? if you find out quickly what's happening don't tell me, let me live in a bubble where i'm perfect at hiding stuff 😭😭😭. just kidding haha, anyway, hope you all like this mini part! you can know some things about the team coming from this conversation... apart from the elephant in the room, of course. enjoy! 💜

masterlist | next | series masterlist

“There's no one else here but us.”

“We should be more careful, just the same.”

“Everyone wants to tell him, what's the point of being more careful at this point?”

Everyone looked away from the door to stare at Tony Stark's contracted face. The room at that moment seemed too small for what they intended to hide within those four walls.

“We can't make the decision to do this if you don't agree.”

Tony raised his head to look across the room at Steve. His ingrown eyebrows reflected the contradiction he must be carrying inside. The mechanic sighed, the feeling of defeat coursing through his entire body like the current of a river. He felt the same way he had felt the first time they had all had that conversation, when they made a decision that no one agreed with and the sighs of loss lingered for months as if they were in permanent mourning; when they had to refuse to help and still expected someone to help them at some point.

“Tony,” Stephen Strange's voice boomed in the silence, his dark eyes fixed on the man he was addressing. “You're right about one thing, we shouldn't have hidden that from the beginning…”

“But we couldn't break the promise we made,” Natasha interjected, her figure in the middle of the room.

“… However,” Stephen continued, “we can't afford to keep hiding it. It's too dangerous.”

Tony ran his hands over his face, his mood souring much more if possible. Stephen was right, he knew it, everyone knew it, but he couldn't convince his head to understand no matter how much he tried. All his instincts were screaming against that idea, even though it was the right thing to do, even though it was what they had to have done from the beginning.

“If we want to help her, we have to,” Steve added.

Clint was sitting next to him on the table. He had barely uttered a word since he arrived less than ten minutes ago. When he had entered the room, it was so full of shouting and opinions being thrown left and right that he decided to sit in the corner and turn down the volume on the device in his ear. A subdued silence with static reigned in his auditory field, he could still hear the voices of others if he concentrated on what they were saying. But the subject was causing him so much discouragement that he wasn't sure he wanted to understand what they were saying.

And still, from their faces he could understand everything. They were all agreeing to proceed, except Tony. The look of hopelessness he wore and the lack-luster eyes showed his reluctance to accede to the group's requests. Clint wasn't going to say it… but he felt similarly.

“She matters to you, doesn't she?” Stephen turned again to Tony, who with a wary look nodded. “Then you have to know that saying this is the only option we have to find out what's going on.”

Natasha knew Tony was going to give in, the guilt that gnawed at him wasn't going to let him put a life at risk. And still, she understood his dilemma. She had it herself every day she woke up and looked in the mirror, every time she brought up the subject with someone, every time she had to keep her thoughts to herself because it was too dangerous to say it out there out loud. Being on guard and having to be on her toes every moment was wearing her out, and only to find out that it had been in vain in the end. They hadn't won, even if the mission reports said otherwise.

“We're not getting out of this alive,” Tony finally let out.

It was true. They all knew it. Figuratively, it was what they'd all expected. They had been trying to handle it for so long that they were already a ticking time bomb. And still, they always allowed themselves to hope, because there was no way things could get any worse.

“We have to look for the right time,” the mechanic sighed.

Even though they should take that as a victory, every person in the room shuddered. It seemed that a frost had taken over the room and none were prepared for the cold it brought with it. They should feel glad that Tony had agreed to what they intended to do… and still, the feeling of hopelessness and defeat remained in the room, tied to their bones, carved into their minds.

--

👀

Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes angst #bucky fic #bucky x you #bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #avengers #bucky fluff #marvel #calmly remember #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #winter soldier

[scary-monsters]

I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this

I try to keep mental health shit off this blog as much as possible bc that's not what it's for, it's supposed to be a place to share the things I make and to support others that love the same characters as I do. But also I need to be human sometimes

I haven't been getting enough sleep, my body won't let me rest more than 6 hours a night because I'm constantly riddled with anxiety and the pressure to work work work, be productive, do things or else you're useless.

I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford to buy groceries most weeks and rarely have time to cook on the days I work. Most of the time I eat one meal a day and that's only on my 30min break at work. My body doesn't even like to take anything more than that.

I haven't bought new clothes in at least 2 years, because I can't afford to and why would I when I never go anywhere except work? If I have a day off I don't have the energy to try and look nice, I throw on old jeans and a t-shirt. And it sucks because clothing has always been a passion of mine and I used to take so much pride in the way I present myself. I miss that part of me.

I'm miserable all the time, if I'm at work I'm only thinking about suicide. I cry all the time. Yes I go to therapy, yes I have a psychiatrist, yes I take medication for my disorder. But it feels like nothing helps anymore.

My therapist asked me two days ago what the barriers to my goals and happiness are and I didn't even hesitate when I answered "work". My job is draining me to a point that is scary for me, I feel trapped in it because no matter how many applications I do, I always get 'no's. The jobs I do have a good shot at pay significantly less than what I currently make, so I can't risk losing that pay. I live by myself, I pay for everything by myself. I don't have anyone else to lean on.

We recently had a loss in the family, and while I handled it pretty well it also brought up all the other loss I've experienced in my life, and there's been a lot. To a point where if my mom calls and says "I need to talk to you", I immediately assume someone else has passed. So all I can think about lately is all those people and all the missed opportunities I had with them.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I can't help looking at suicide as my only option to get out of how shitty everything feels all the time. I'm only happy when I'm making art or writing or talking to friends, but when I don't have the energy to do those things?? What then? I sit here and stare at a screen and cry and wish I could be anyone other than myself. I can't measure up, and I'm kinda tired of trying.

I had to call in today because I can't do it, I feel myself falling apart at the seams, I've been snapping at coworkers and having attitude with customers, that's not me, but I feel like I'm losing myself. But because I called in I've now lost a quarter of my paycheck for this week. Every single day I have to pick whether I'd prefer experiencing suicidal ideation for 10.5 hours at work or sitting at home and feeling lost/lonely and crying instead.

I've been pretty good at hiding it and masking this year but idk, I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I'm lost, y'all, I have no direction and I don't know when/if things are gonna get better for me

(also I don't need anyone telling me that I could use vacation money to fix some of these issues; vacations are how I escape, and I need to do that. Plus I always save up PTO/money specifically for them.)

#this is long please don't feel like you gotta read it #it's all mental health related and there's a little bit of food talk as well.. suicide too but please don't worry #tl;dr i'm tired and lost and scared i'm not gonna get better

[acedreamur]

I’m feeling silly and ima just- time to post about MY VER of “if Vincent survived the fire” or shortened to STF

STF vince has cut down on his smoking, he isn't addicted anymore due to having hospitalized for a while and unable to do any packs! He also wears layers over his body and hands so it's less uncomfortable Being his hands are burned - his hard to do things without it feeling weird He is working to upgrade his bistro, and im planning on like Adding a few other characters be he's gonna have a bigger waiting staff - bring its gonna be a bigger establishment His chefs still work for him

His chefs still work for him - cherrie is loyal as hell so definitely not leaving He never got over his love for rody,he feels resentment for what rody did to him- but he just couldn't let go of the man He hasn't seen him in ages- but he sometimes wonders what in the world he's doing now Thoughts lke "Is he happy with what he did to me? Does he think im dead and is happy with it?"

He wears his glasses all the time now- he is half blind so he just, does now. He can't afford to not see well,so he keeps them on They aren't used to Vince with glasses or-even the scars In the back, he wears long sleeved shirts instead and thick gloves-Vince stutters on his words and his voice is a little fucked up and raspy due to rody cutting his throat with a bottle

Talking for a long time hurts his throat, he is still trying to fix some things about himself He isn't as harsh on his employees Other than remmie. Remmie is remmie. He learned his lesson about keeping his house with his establishment He lives only a few minutes away from the new place He walks home Why?

Bc he thinks it's good for strengthening his mussles again And it is So he keeps doing it In the rain? Umbrella. But whenever he is out in the rain- he's reminded of the moment when he had to dry rody off and give him an umbrella-He enjoys the rain on his skin, it's cooling and nice He's taking care of himself only to try and get back to proper health to do more So he isn't as scrawny (He still hates eating but he forced himself to)

Vince involuntarily twitches out of random, his nerves are a little messed up and it's most likely the thing to happen 1 Like to believe rodys tie slipped off his neck during the struggle and Vince still had it even fit is a little burnt Complete opposites in healing omfg

Every Valentine's Day vince will mutter under his breath or think "happy birthday rody" and continue on with his day be he's a sad sorry ass He just wanted love man Hm.. How does rody feel that he killed a man over so hard that he needed to get hospitalized and almost died Bookie if anyone foudn that it was you you'd be put behind bars bookie i EVEN IF IT WAS YEARS AGO

Vince doesn't make an effort to style his hair much,he just doesn't care about his physical appearance anymore He knows he's already physically fucked up so he just, does the bare minimum He also sleeps a lot more,just - trying to stop himself from thinking about rody

-Vince keeps his head low when he's out, he doesn't like to be crowded- somehow- it works. And he's just glad he's short enough to walk without being spotted from a mile away. He still puts up a optimistic, really kind demeanor outside the bistro,but he drops it and just, he's kinder- but just- a little uptight He doesn't like getting into relationships still,he still has his heart for rody but is trying to push it back and away He mutters to himself something of the such when he starts thinking about him "he hurt you for a reason."

Vince has a mini heart attack when he sees male gingers - He wishes he could get another hug like he did once before Sooo He hugs himself to sleep He always has something in the background when he's trying to rest, usually a song

Baby I'd give you a hug

#if Vincent survived the fire #STF au #vincent dead plate #dead plate #studio investigrave au #dead plate au

[scum-belina]

While dealing with covid I still have to do my usual routine of filling up water jugs since I've not had running water in two years due to ruined plumbing neither my mom nor I can afford to fix. Can't even try to save up for it at this point because we still have over $2000 in property taxes to pay on our small lot which is insane, and I still need to get new tires desperately. The stress and worry were already making me sick I didn't need covid on top of it.

But now whenever I go to my neighbors rose's to fill up jugs, I often get harassed by my other neighbor Lupe who according to Rose is jealous of how close I am with her. She treats Rose like a mother figure and Rose is and grandma figure to me and I'm just??? Leave me alone??? Rose has INSISTED I fill up my water jugs or do laundry at her place any time. She told me even when she's not home to just use her spare key she hid on her porch and come on in and fill up.

Last week before I even got sick, I was there filling up while Rose was gone and Lupe stormed in and demanded to know who was there (like she didn't recognize my car she drives by every day???) And then demanded to know why i wasn't wearing a mask in Rose's house (this woman doesn't give a shit about masks, she just wanted to start shit with me. Also I literally had one in my car I was heading back to out on before she stormed in.)

I told Rose about it and she was pissed bc she had already told Lupe to leave me alone, which is bizarre because I literally do nothing to Lupe. Last time I saw her was a year ago and we always got along and had a good time at rose's. But now I've been told she views me as a threat and wants to accuse me of taking advantage of Rose even though Rose herself is of complete sound mind and I would never do that to anyone. Hell I'm embarrassed and ashamed as hell to have to fetch my water from other people.

It's humiliating and tiring. Sometimes I have to fill up 30 gallons multiple times a week, carry them to my car, then carry them to my porch, then into my house. My arms be strong as hell tho ngl. Anyways Lupe had her ex husband cover rose's outside faucet last year (WAY before freezing weather season, so I guess even then she was trying to give me trouble) where I couldn't use it easily at all, so I gave up and started going inside, now that I'm sick and won't go in her house I asked Rose if I could uncover it all and she said absolutely and don't even worry about covering it back up.

The thing is that I'm already so low. I can barely get any lower in life than I am. So why harass me over getting water??? It's not even her fucking property. Rose told her I'm trusted and allowed to come and go as I need and please and I think that's pissed her off even more.

There's evidence that Lupe might be hoping to get rose's money, home, and car,once she dies, but I know Rose and that's not her will at all. She said Lupe makes her uncomfortable bc she does things to rose's house without her permission like changing her curtains and furniture??? WHO DOES THAT

Lupe also has a trait that has always troubled me where she seems to be a self-hating Hispanic. I've heard her say the most vile things about other Hispanic neighbors that literally do nothing wrong??? Like one time she saw some hanging out their laundry on a cloudy day and was like "typical dirty wetbacks" and I was like "wtf girl that's horrible to say. i've had to do that before too don't hate on someone for doing what they have to do"

she has a son, his gf and another kid who live with her and most of them are on disability so she be reaping their checks and when she first moved right across from Rose last year, she and her crew IMMEDIATELY made Rose get sick bc they weren't cautious around her at all, so her trying to make me feel bad like I was TRYING to make Rose sick even though Rose wasn't even there and I told her I wiped any door or faucet handle I touch down with alcohol before I leave, is alllll bullshit. She's been stewing to find fault with me for months and that was her chance and it failed big time with me AND with Rose later that day.

It's so bizarre. To me, Rose is a nice grandmotherly in her own odd way neighbor. I visit her and we talk about anything and everything. Even before I needed water I would go over there just to hang out and get out of my own head for a while. But it's not like I go over there or talk to her every day. Why am I such a threat to someone like Lupe. I really don't get it. Her and her crew have being doing so much more to harass me and it's got me so grieved and scared. I just want to live in a better place.

Even when I go to my maternal grandma's, other relatives will mock or harass me for filling up jugs or doing laundry there. And my maternal grandma has well water so she doesn't even pay a damn water bill. Like, why kick me when I'm already down? It's not like I just sit around and do nothing. I do everything I can to earn money with odd jobs but have had no luck on getting a decent job or even part-time job. It devastates and humiliates me. I cry myself to sleep more often than not at my whole life situation. I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse than I already do.

I understand if you said or thought "I ain't reading all of that". I really do. This is a rambling mess. I just needed to vent out a little bit of that stupidity that's been going on recently in my life. I'm so tired and scared all the time.

[lastoneout]

So the vet gave us some nausea, anxiety, and sleep meds to make the next two weeks more comfortable for my dog, you know just long enough to last until The Appointment, cuz he's clearly having a really bad time, but part of me was kinda hoping he might actually start doing better(and the vet said she thought he really might) and it's really sucking to realize they aren't doing anything at all.

(readmore cuz this got very sad and long sorry)

'Cuz so far the nausea meds seem to be making him throw up more?? Or at least he's throwing up just as much as he was before we gave them to him, and despite him being on a pretty hefty dose of anxiety and sleep meds not only is he STILL pacing all night(which keeps us awake bcs it's loud) he's pacing EVEN MORE and I can tell the meds are doing something bcs he's clearly inebriated but it's not helping him sleep it's just making it so as he paces he runs into everything and falls over a bunch which is making tons of noise...

It's just really hard to watch, cuz it highlights how much he's suffering, and that's just the puking and the pacing, he's also almost bitten me(which he's NEVER done before) when I was just trying to clean off his paw cuz he stepped in the throw up, and he also keeps snarling at my fiancé and he's got trauma from a severe dog bite he had as a child so that's not ideal to say the least, and he keeps going to the bathroom on our back porch instead of waiting until he gets onto the dirt and like...I just am starting to wonder if deciding to put off saying goodbye for two weeks was like really selfish on my part?? Especially bcs every day I just feel so bad for him that I'm depressed and I can't eat and it's just awful for us both.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, I really do, but I think his health has really gotten to a point where it's effecting everyone in the house super negatively(on top of the fear of dogs being triggered my fiancé is a light sleeper and the constant pacing keeps him up) but like god then I feel awful bcs I shouldn't be thinking about making things easier on myself, right? Even if my dog's a burden I love him and I should put in the work...but yeah it's just...it's so fucking bad and I have no idea how ANY of us are going to survive the next two weeks and that alone is making me feel way more like shit than anything else.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing, not by waiting, but by knowing that it's time for us to let him go, because god I can't even remember the last time he wagged his tail or got excited or happy about literally anything and he can't sleep or keep food down and he's 13 so it's not like we can fix it(and even if we could I doubt we could afford it, we can barely afford his meds) and the meds aren't even helping and I can't keep putting him through all this just because of my emotional baggage.

And I know all of this is the price we pay for loving each other and it's so very worth it but god is it hard sometimes. It's really fucking hard. And idk why but last year with my other dog it didn't feel this way, I didn't hate myself or feel selfish, maybe because she was def suffering a LOT but also she was still...idk she still had her wits about her? We really got to say goodbye, like she was still there for us to say goodbye to. This time kinda feels like I'm keeping someone on life support despite knowing they're never going to wake up bcs I can't deal with it and it's making me hate myself SO much I didn't even know what to do.

He barely even recognizes me anymore, and I can't comfort him no matter how hard I try. I almost feel like there's nothing for me to even say goodbye to because he's constantly confused and flinches when I pet him and won't come near me even when I call him over and keeps trying to bite me when I try to help him.

I just wish I could help him. Or that I could like...let him know that's what I'm trying to do, that I'm still here and I still love him. But I can't even do that.

#long post #personal #vent #negative #cw animal death #ask to tag #I've never felt so fucking guilty before

[gippyworm]

Didn't get the job-thing I applied for through the uni, they said they couldn't really fault my application or interview but it was just 'very competitive'. All I can think is they think I do too much already or maybe I didn't "know enough" about their company. Or maybe it was because I didn't grow up in the area actually, because to get the scholarship version of the gig you have to have grown up in the area.

Was assuming I would get it because everyone I spoke to including one of my teachers who works alongside them said I should work there and had no doubt I would get in. And I need the money so bad I'm so sick of being broke and not having any food and I've used up almost all my garden fund that I was so excited to buy plants with and everything just sucks.

I go onto facebook and get old school friends posting the most bougie photos at high end parties and buying investment properties and I cant help but feel idk. Not jealous over those things bc i dont like parties and I dont want investment properties. But envious that some just inherited wealth or were handed an entire business at 20 years old to make money from yknow. Meanwhile I had to consider whether I could afford butter at the supermarket.

I'm feeling constant agony over what to eat and I feel like I've completely lost all willpower because I've just completely given up. But I've been steadily gaining weight because I eat so much sugar and I can't stand how it changes my face and I have no energy but no matter what I do to try fix my food it never lasts. It affects my energy and my skin, but I can't afford professional help and even if I could who do you even go see? Naturopaths can be too pseudo-scientific but dietitions are so expensive and the free session I had with one a few years ago was the most unhelpful thing I've ever done.

I think I just need a break. I'm really sick of studying atm like I wish I could defer mid-semester because there's too much happening right now and its paralysing. Getting the news that I didn't get the gig really was the last nail in the coffin for me atm.

Guess I'm just disappointed. And so over being stressed. And so fucking sick of being poor.

#chatterboxing #neg #just needed to dump my agonies for a moment

[hylaversicolor]

thinking about tobirama today and how he is described in the databook as "self aware" so he must Know about his own biases but he just refuses to acknowledge that they're there lol.

the founders generation had a really rough transition from war to peace. the senju and uchiha clans have not known peace for thousands of years; war is their life. so they had a brief period where nobody knew what to do whatsoever and then war broke out again anyway, on a larger scale than had ever been seen before. so tobi never really got to slow down and look at the good of the village in individual terms, during real lasting peacetime.

therefore his rule was characterized by a kind of wartime harshness that you can see in the way he defends his decisions to put the village > everything else (including the uchiha clan). to tobi it's only logical that inhabitants of konoha cast aside their identity as members of clans, because that strong clan identity was the reason there WAS war for thousands of years before this. he argued in favor of the collective over the individual clan i think not out of a desire to subjugate the uchiha (but so be it if he did, he outright says), but because by putting the village above clans, survival rates will be higher and ideally war will not be as constant (but when it comes, oh boy it's bad, bc now you have nation v nation rather than clan v clan).

ofc in hindsight we can appreciate that these policies led to the extermination of the uchiha, which i DON'T think tobirama set out to do at all. he is very surprised when sasuke reveals that he's the last uchiha left. it's not just that the uchiha clan was exterminated, it's that they were exterminated to maintain the balance of power in an era where clans could no longer afford to exist because nations/villages have replaced them. assimilate or die, basically.

but i don't even think this is anyone's fault in particular (i mean it was specifically hiruzen's fault for not acting soon enough, and tobirama's fault - slightly less directly - by establishing the anbu/police force/other institutions of konoha). the shinobi world had just gotten completely out of hand and was too massive of an issue for any one person to try and fix, especially because of the economics of war that kishimoto just NEVER ADDRESSES.

also it's important to remember that the naruto world does not share our morals. naruto universe shinobi kill and die for a living and this is totally normal. it's their job but it's also their lifestyle, their identity. even hashirama, the one person whose morals come closest to resembling those of our world, can't completely detach himself from this concept. he NEVER tried to get rid of shinobi as a whole, he just didn't want kids fighting in wars. and he's the most radical person in the naruto universe!! he still 100% wanted kids to grow up to become shinobi eventually because that's just what you do!!

basically everything that happened in naruto canon is just What Happens when shinobi whose collective identity is tied to killing and being killed try to define and structure society.

and ultimately it was madara who looked at the shinobi of the world and said fuck the whole thing, this cannot be fixed. but he too is a shinobi, The Ultimate Shinobi if you will (in that fighting is paramount to who he is as a human being). but he also seeks to rid the world of shinobi. the more he fights the more he loses his humanity, but also the more he fights the more he knows who he is and is able to show the world who he is. he’s the PERFECT final villain for a series about identity and violence, and what it means to be a shinobi and to be a good person, and if those two things are reconcilable at all. madara’s infinite tsukuyomi maybe wasn’t ultimately about izuna (though izuna was the initial catalyst for it), it was about humanity. madara realized that he cannot be a protector and a shinobi at the same time. he wants to be a protector but fighting is the only thing he’s good at, so his only option was to take over the world.

ANYWAY i started this meta with tobirama's biases and got completely off track but i think it's funny how tobi plays favorites with his students (and again doesn't acknowledge that he's doing this) but it just occurred to me: what if hiruzen is his favorite student bc he reminds him of kawarama. i'm going to explode and die

#txt #naruto #founders #meta

[thisdreamplace]

i really admire your energy and how in love with life and the world you are. i'd like to reach a similar point too but im finding the 3d unbearable and the fact that im God and the one creating this for myself was pretty freeing at first because it meant that I could change it but 2 years later, everything is worse and knowing im the one responsible is devastating. specifically, i don't understand how to focus on the 4d and leave the 3d alone when the whole point of me getting into loa was to change my life (3d AND 4d). its great to see people emphasising the 4d and love and peace but im human, i have more than just those 3 feelings. i know the inner me is God but im still in a human body in a human experience and ignoring the 3d has made me miserable. i'd like to direct this experience and give myself the opportunity to do, see, hear and feel the things i have experienced in imagination, in the 3d too. I have lived in the 4d for two years now, it's vivid and feels real to the point where hours pass with me visualising a certain scene but once that's over something in the 3d happens and my stomach drops and i have to go back to my imagination and convince myself that i don't feel my heart breaking. it works for a while, i feel powerful or whatever and then i open my eyes and nothing has changed for the better.

my friends who don't believe in the law go out and live their lives and make progress and i have had nothing but stagnancy. they were born not wealthy but not poor either and can afford to support themselves with help from their parents and now independently. they have great personalities and are genuinely good people and I want to be like them too. I keep seeing them get specific things that I want for myself and on one hand im so happy for them and proud that they're having their dreams come true... im ashamed to admit that my blood may have turned green with the envy and jealousy i feel. but that's the truth. i thought i could revise or manifest my way to support as well, not just financially but emotionally, giving myself better parents, better relationships, health and more. i feel stuck and like im running out of time to catch up not just with them, but with where i thought i would be by now. im being vague because I don't want to trauma dump but mentally, this is taking a toll. i really can't go through another year, another birthday feeling such unspeakable pain.

do you have any advice on how i can fix this? should i just leave the law altogether? I know it's hard to give up the law completely one you find it but if going back to believing in "false gods" gives me what i want, then is it so bad? if Judaism can give me love or Buddhism can give me peace or astrology or tarot can guide me to money and maybe the Christian God can grant all of the above, then are they so bad? even if, in the back of my mind I'll most likely always think of them as placebos, it could still work, no? i'd be giving up the pearl but i'd be more satisfied in the 3d that I have to wake up to every morning.

i think that a lot of what youre saying is entirely important bc i know youre not the only one with those type of questions and feelings. everything that youre saying to me is very similiar to how i felt before i finally allowed myself to experience life in a more loving and beautiful and soft way.

i also felt the same, learning about the law and feeling like i had all this control over my life. it felt like i finally found home. then 2 years passed. of course, i did manifest things because youre always going to. its simply automatic. but even with each success, so much of life was still really hard and unbearable, mainly because i was counting on the law to do the thing everyone swore it does. i couldnt understand why things, the things i really wanted, were not showing up. so after 2 years i said fuck this, i am not living this way for a third year. i think its important to note something. how you feel so responsible for everything. its time to let that go. i challenge you to stop upholding yourself to someone else's belief system and use you, your own experience, as a guide. can you really say that for the past 2 years you sat there and actively manifested misery ? or do you believe that bc someone else says thats how it works ? beginning to ask yourself these questions is the way out. use your life experience as the truth, not someone else's claims. i also know what you mean, as it is frustrating and confusing to hear people tell you tthat you can have everything you want (in the 3d) and then to turn around and tell you to focus on the inner world (4d) and let the rest go. because like u said, thats exactly why we come here. for the outer experience ! i think its important to be said, because it allows us to start cracking through the toxic world that manifesting became. because youre right, how are we meant to do both ? well we're not. we are only meant to focus on the inner world (bc we literally have no choice) and let the rest flow. the controversial part is that, where that flows, is exactly where we are meant to go. and sometimes its in different directions than we originally thought it would be. this is why i resisted it for a long time myself. until ofc, like you, i couldnt take it anymore. suddenly my desires didnt feel more important than i was. suddenly i realized how i feel on a daily basis, regardless of anything, is what truly matters.

i think that your friends are a light shining into your life, showing you how smooth and easy life can flow. without even trying. you dont need to feel bad tbh. i think after 2 years, it is beyond normal to start feeling some type of way. i know i did at times ! i would see people in my life, who do little focus on their inner world, getting the things the law promised me i would get. of course, i could feel happy for them but utterly bad about myself and my life at the same time. how could it come to them so easily when i was the one following everything the law told me to do ? i just didnt get it. until it all made sense. it came to them because they were just living life. because they were just being. they didnt have this haunting in the back of their mind everyday, every second, telling them this thing could show up soon. they didnt analyze themselves everyday. they didnt even have a perfect sense of knowing. they just sort of knew what they wanted, and knew either it could or even could not happen, and went on every day. just being... them. and it was enough. so many lightbulbs started going off for me then. i think this is your moment too, to take a step back and start recognizing what simply isnt working for you, no matter who claims its the way. its not your way. i know exactly what you mean because every birthday since i have found out about the law, i have cried or had a meltdown on the day or after it. no matter how beautiful or full of love each birthday was. i couldnt see it or feel is fully. because instead, it was like fuck, another year has passed and this isnt what i saw for myself. what you said truly brings up old memories for me. it reminds me why i left. so if anything, just know you arent alone. this is so normal for many people who spent so much time trusting in what they were learning, and im glad more people are coming to terms with the fact something simply was not right for them !

its time to recognize that you never did anything wrong. i know i didnt and i know you didnt either. its so much easier to blame the person, so that the ego can continue to get high off the promise of control. if you blame the person, then you can still believe in that sense of total control. its a lot easier to do so than to come to terms with the fact that total control isnt what we thought it was when we first came to the law. and not everyone is ready for that convo ! but i put so much into myself, so i won't let anyone sit here and gaslight me and even attempt to say that certain things didnt work for me because i was not doing X enough or i wasnt X enough. and you shouldnt take that either ! not even from yourself ! for me, i know it unfolded that way for the simple fact i was being called to follow myself. and after doing so, ive literally never been lighter. this has quite literally been the most mentally healthy and most joyful year i have had since being alive. and i spent most of this year doing me. not worrying about manifestations.

i will say this. it is hard to give up the law initially, especially after an extended amount of time (years), because you have ingrained it into yourself. it will feel like youre crazy, it will feel like youre lying to yourself. i think that the law is explained in a way that makes it really easy to get trapped, because of how much responsibility is burdened onto your human self. at times you will want to guilt yourself and tell yourself everything is your fault and wonder why you manifested something, because that was your conditioning for the past two years. but i promise you, if you listen to yourself and follow what feels right that starts to go away. if i use my experience as evidence, i know my beliefs arent placebo effects or lies. because its literally been evident in my life. like that, the weight of the law starts to melt away. i stop feeling my human self as so responsible, and allow my true self to take responsibility and trust in that flow. too many of us take on our true selves as our human selves. its simply not the same thing. the god within is always leading you to where you're meant to go and the truth is many people are resistant towards that, so they choose to play god instead as this allows a feeling of more control. this is your wake up call happening now, telling you that the old way simply isnt working.

i also want to clarify that in none of this am i trying to saw the law is fake. manifestation is real. i just think that there is a reframing of it that is beginning to happen that will allow more people to live healthier, happier, softer lives. i think its okay to say "this isnt what i thought it was" rather than to force yourself everyday through the pain, telling yourself that once you just do X right then it will work for you too. that pain is trying to talk to you and tell you to stop, it doesnt have to be that difficult.

i rly felt like this was important to answer. whatever you decide to do anon, i hope that its smth that makes your heart sing. <3

[rangerdoubt]

ahhh if I'm not late, can I get a 🍐 & 🍏 for Miriam

HI KEN! also it's never too late i am thinking thoughts at all hours

🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it?

miri was a terrible regene during farm 1. not unskillful or ineffective, just extremely difficult to direct. she was good enough at whatever she was doing that the staff worked around her, made her think things were her idea in the first place, kept her quiet. but they also kept her extremely segregated from pretty much everyone else, so that protocol stayed intact and that sort of behaviour didn't spread. so sure, she was able to do whatever she needed to, but if she failed--well. no one was especially interested in rescusing her. (this also meant that it wasn't until farm 2 when she realized exactly how Uncanny Valley the average cuckoo is to both humans and regenes--and by then, the other cuckoos were pretty weirded out by the kid who Came Back.)

on a non-regene level, she just obviously Came Back Wrong Broken. hurt and struggling in ways that no one knows how to fix, even if she was inclined to let them. she's back, and not happy about it. chen in particular has a knack for walking in when she's Thousand Yard Staring and asking fucked up questions or whatever. he doesn't mean to punish her, but given the fact that she's very blatantly avoiding everyone except julia, it does trip a lot of alarm bells.

🍐 [PEAR] What is their current social standing? If they could change it, would they, and to what?

bad, but not low, if that makes sense. widely known, but not deeply. she's got 72 infamy as the villain. the puppet is active and well-regarded in the underworld. but yk. mad bad and dangerous to know or however it goes. not good people to be affiliated with. outside of the job, she doesn't talk to anyone. water plant lair, distant with the rangers except for ortega and sometimes even her. everyone's just a leetle bit sketched out, and they're right to be.

she probably wouldn't change it. she should, because she's just--very lonely. but she's teetering on the edge of regret as it is, she can't afford to get any more attached. it makes the job easier when you don't need to bring people with you. (disclaimer: this is more than a little delusional. miri, just bc you don't bring people doesn't mean they won't hide in the trunk of ur car anyway.)

#the way i had to sit and Think about these. #thank you for the ask!!! #miriam basri #chen vc at the dog park: are you good. do you need to call someone. ortega? #honest to god she tries so hard to be so normal and so boring. maybe that's what's off putting.

[nukenai]

This is so petty but I keep thinking about how I was put off from ever liking Akira from Live A Live bc his chapter begins with him asking you if you're happy with your life. And if you say yes he gets annoyed and tells you to like, "think of people less fortunate than you" or some shit.

And like yeah I know he's a dumb shitty teenager but it reminded me so much of attitudes of actual people who seem to resent when others aren't as miserable as them? Like people on this website mostly, I don't see it a lot on Twitter (because I have 2,000+ people blocked and aggressively stick to my own circles). I've been treated like this by people (I can't even say ex-friends bc the original "friendship" was questionable) and it's just like. I don't know. Like if you aren't as performatively miserable in public as them then you're shallow and fake and not paying attention or whatever. It's very high school. As if saying "I'm happy with my life" is equivalent to saying "there's no problems in the world, I don't notice them, I do nothing to help others with my good fortune", etc. My ex would also tell me shit like how they wish I'd talk about my irl friends less bc they were jealous I had irl friends to hang out with...?????? ???

I guess that kind of attitude fits for Akira, a fictional anime teenager. Anyways sorry I will never like him he fucking annoys me. I also tend to not like anime so that definitely didn't help.

But uh, yeah also if you have people in your life who seem to resent when you're happy or are always jealous when good things happen to you (for example, you mentioning a vacation and them saying something like 'wow I WISH I could afford something like that but I NEVER could'), you should maybe spend less time with those people because it's not your job to fix their life or spend all of your emotional energy managing their misery.

There is a fine line, especially with online relationships, between "supporting your friends when they've got it rough", and "this person is using me as an outlet for all their misery by forcing it upon me and making me placate them nonstop".

I struggled for a very long time in my life with bad mental health and people who treated me like garbage, and I've gotten through that and I'm in a very good place now. And sometimes it feels like the world wants to punish me and make me feel bad about that. But I won't. Because I worked to get here. I have friends now who are good to me and I'm in a good environment and I've worked so hard and life is good.

Full disclosure: this was prompted by how excited I am to go back to Disney next February and ride the tron coaster. Because my dad is retiring this year and wants to see Batuu. And I don't know if he can handle my sister and I together on Batuu with him. But I'm going to ride the Tron coaster. And it's still brand new to me that I have friends that are like "dude that's awesome have a blast" rather than immediately saying "I'm mad I'm not going".

#BC LAST TIME I WAS IN DISNEY #IT WAS LIKE A WEEK BEFORE THE COASTER OPENED #if Twitter is dying you all have to deal with way more annoying texts posts from me THAT'S LIFE NOW #BLAME ELON IT'S ALL HIS FAULT #I COULD'VE BEEN CONTAINED BUT NO

[that-thing-that-feeling]

If stancy were endgame I can't even imagine how they'd handle Jonathan, unless they did it by doing a big time jump at the end where jancy had spent years together but amicably split and she reconciled with Steve later. In the current timeline, if jancy were endgame, I think Steve would move on much easier. He's already acknowledged he's a better person now, is moving forward slowly, has good friends and support in robin and Dustin and could go on and make something of himself if he pushed himself to. Jonathan is a little trickier. He has trust issues which wouldn't be helped by his girlfriend going back to the ex they said they didn't love. It would probably make him question if their relationship had ever been genuine. Would he resign himself to just staying with his family because he's so loyal and maybe because he can't afford a decent college? Does he become a loner again if argyle goes back to Cali? Would he go back to Cali with argyle to community college which I think would be a big disservice to his character.

The only good ending I would like to see for his character if jancy isn't endgame and off at college together would be for him to go to NYU but do they even remember that? I just hope they don't resolve the love triangle by killing Jonathan off ( I don't think they'll ever kill Steve, especially after Dustin's grief with Eddie) and having stancy endgame because she retreats back to Steve with Jonathan gone thinking he deserved another chance with her.

Hmmm that’s a good point about what would they do with Jonathan in the event Jancy isn’t endgame (this is just a hypothetical—they could be endgame). I mean yeah it would affect his trust issues a lot, but the bigger problem there is they don’t let him address his trust issues that come from being abused and co-parenting since the age of 12. It’s not like a relationship can fix his trust issues, even if it made him come out of his shell more.

Yeah idk—I think either he’d be devastated but expect it bc he’s already doing a ‘push them away before they push you away’ thing. Or because he’s braced for it and is really concerned for her happiness to the point he didn’t tell her about Lenora CC so she wouldn’t set her dreams aside (I still don’t get why he thinks she would), that he would accept it for the sake of her happiness, maybe?

But his self esteem is so fragile rn it seems, it makes you wonder how he’d do with his future plans—which imo is unfair to his character, a character who in s1 had problems, but was independent and had dreams in spite of hardships in his life. But now they’ve made him sort of losing sight of his dreams bc of his relationship problems which I don’t find sweet, I find unhealthy. He should be able to stand alone as a character. It also makes a lot of sense they finally showed him having all the pressure really get to him so he was basically self-medicating.

I do think Hopper becoming his father and Jonathan no longer feeling like he has to take care of his family in the same way (though he will always love and be very caring to them) would help him out whether Jancy stays together or not. He’d feel more free to pursue whatever dreams he has, even if those take him far away from home. Again, would love to see that addressed though in s5, like in a scene between Joyce and Jonathan. I do think the financial issues are still there though. And we don’t know if the show just forgot about NYU or what.

I am a little worried they could kill off Jonathan in s5 for a few reasons. But if stancy got together after that, that would look a mess.

#jonathan byers #jancy #nancy wheeler

[campfire-collective]

hey!! I found the light house discussion to be very fascinating. I'm so glad you could find something to help you sleep. it's a process for sure but that's super cool and awesome. proud of you for working on helping yourself!

also it's super unique as well.. I've never heard of anything like this..?

i was wondering... i don't exactly understand when you two speak about the lighthouse. You said you bought it? but it's an idea?

I tried looking stuff up for it... is it a solo rpg you found? how did you come up with that idea to use it like that and do you have any suggestions for people who want to get into something like that?

i struggle with winding down for sleep and i really need more creative outlets so i'm super curious, but please, don't feel pressured to respond or anything. /srs /nm

I wish you the best of luck, as well, and I hope your night tonight is good :)

ohh okay i'll answer this one b4 i go to bed so i don't forget (n then good night to everyone because it is nearly 2am dear god when did THAT happen)

okay so i bought a game called "the lighthouse at the edge of the universe." if you want i can probably find a link for you. it's a journaling rpg, so basically it's a pdf (which i printed into a nice foldable little booklet that fits into my notebook) that has various prompts and things to sort of guide you to tell a story. e.g, you might flip a card that says what kind of event happens ("something needs to be fixed") and then roll a dice for outcome ("you fail"), and then you tell a little story based on that.

so i bought the game but obviously you cannot purchase an Idea. the lighthouse in my brain was free.

i have a BUNCH of solo rpgs bc i'm really into them (if u remind me i'll share some of my favorites bc i can't remember the names rn), and this one explicitly had the instructions "intended to be played before bed." being the good rule following autistic that i am (/lh), i obviously very eagerly went to bed on time to play it as soon as possible. match made in heaven.

i don't know how much i paid for it but these things tend to run under $10, and usually far cheaper. frankly i just snoop on itch.io bundles and snap things up when i can afford them. also drivethrurpg (i think that's what it's called?), but i use itch.io more.

using it as an innerworld experience tool came pretty naturally to me: it's a reflective game that i was already writing about myself and using to reflect my mood/etc., and i've always fallen asleep by thinking about stories. (i have/had maladaptive daydreaming traits. i never was fully madd, but definitely i veered close to it.)

if u want to use a solo rpg for innerworld things, my advice is to look for one that's specifically a journaling rpg, because some aren't. hearth has some more "crunchy" ones (i use that word very loosely because by their nature, all solo rpgs tend to be pretty soft). the qualities that make this work for me:

game is continuous (each entry takes place at the same lighthouse which i build and develop over time. that's a part of the game. there's no ending point, and there's not really a story.)

game doesn't focus on interpersonal interactions

game encourages you to use ur mood/etc. as prompts/inspiration (bc innerworld experiences are metaphorical, this helps it translate well)

lots of solo rpgs r free! they tend to use only a few things (my solo rpg bag has a notebook, where we write all of them, a d20, two d6, a coin, and a deck of cards, and that covers basically every game, barring the ones which use a tarot deck), and they span very wide genres. it's a lot of fun if you like that structured storytelling crunch.

ok this was longer than i meant whoops gn!

-sparrow

#ask #virtualisolationexperience #mod sparrow #mine #i was like oh i'll answer this quick b4 bed #because frankly i don't want the others talking about my goddamn lighthouse #and then it turns out i'm chatty whoops #but i'm going to bed for real now i promise

[tobesobri]

Yes to your post about fans buying tickets knowing they couldn’t go. Ticketmaster clearly has a problem across the board that they need to fix. But there’s also a huge problem in this fandom with people doing shit like this. I saw fans trying to sell the CODES not tickets, the codes for $150+ which doesn’t even guarantee a chance to go. I’d like to believe some knew the codes couldn’t be transferred at the time, but some were actively trying to scam other people. And the number of people less than 24 hours after getting tickets saying “I can’t go I have to sell” was ridiculous. I understand if you get something and a few weeks later realize it can’t Happen, but the NEXT day…yeah you knew it wasn’t gonna work and we’re just being a jerk about it. It makes me so mad

yeah tbh imo tm should have given priority to people who live in the area first. like northern east coast people who wanted to go should all have tickets, not some randoms from california who literally go on tour with harry and got laneone every single lot show. i also saw people selling their ono ticket(s) right after the residency shows were announced and like?? did they think he was never going to tour again, never come to their city ever again?? like idk if you can afford to see him in your own town, why did you buying tickets to a show across the country where you're gonna drop like $500-$1000 to go to for no reason? there are fans that live in the area who are super appreciative of the cheap tickets and yet im sure plenty of them aren't able to get tickets (speaking from experience bc it happened to me in the 2019 ono). i feel like people in this fandom measure how good of a fan they are based on how many experiences they have and they make it a very exclusionary fandom space for people who don't/can't drop an entire paycheck's worth of money on harry. (like people posting shit like 'my biggest flex is going to 2019 ono' like okay becky you dropped thousands of dollars on airfare and accommodations its not a flex you just have privilege.)

sorry for getting off track but yeah! like literally so many people are selling their tickets since the day after like?? it's just selfish behavior. if you knew you couldn't go, why even buy them? its not just bots buying tickets on tm, it's other fans too who im sure weren't able to get tickets bc all these people bought them up just to sell bc they knew they couldn't go. some of which are selling for double or more the price, taking advantage of the entire thing all bc the tickets were cheap and they could.