#anyway i feel like i’m backsliding because it’s taking everything everything in me right now not to do something stupid

[cable-knit-sweater]

untitled

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Word count: 1.5k

Notes: I’m not sure about this but I was having a lot of post- ca:cw Wakanda husbands thoughts and I just started writing down the first things that came to mind. It definitely could do with some editing and it’s a little cheesy, but oh well, I wrote it mostly for me 😂 Still, hope someone enjoys 🥰

He knows he’s getting on Natasha’s nerves, tapping away at the pane next to the controls for the quinjet, unable to sit still. He doesn’t even want to think about having to do this with a normal plane, it would take them too damn long. He’s been like this ever since he got the call from Shuri - when she told him that Bucky had broken out of the last of his winter soldier programming and was now resting. He needs to be there when he wakes up. He wanted to be there when it was happening. Even if he probably couldn’t be of any help. Just to be there for him, not have him go through it alone.

Rationally, he knows Bucky wasn’t alone. Isn’t alone. Shuri, T’challa and the people of Wakanda have been nothing but welcoming and kind to them, to Bucky. But it’s just not the same. Steve’s vibrating with nervous energy, even more so than the previous times they’ve flown back - when Bucky got out of cryo for short amounts of time. Those times, they were never enough. He knew they had limited time before Bucky had to go back into cryo, even if Steve didn’t think it was necessary. He didn’t think Bucky was a danger to anyone. But the last thing he wanted was to take any more choices away from him.

He can see they’re getting close to the barrier to Wakanda. Not that it’s visible, not even Steve with his enhanced sight can see it, but they’ve done this enough times now that he has a good idea of when they’re close. He stops his tapping and starts to go over his uniform, adjusting it in places. Nat chuckles. “I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna care, but it looks fine, stop fussing, you’re driving me crazy”.

He looks over at her sheepishly. “I just…it’s just..”, he stammers. She gives him soft smile. “I get it Steve, you’re nervous, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He wonders whether she really knows what he’s nervous about, if she’s just guessing, if she thinks it’s about something else than what’s going through Steve’s mind right now.

Because yes he’s nervous. He’s been nervous every time they went back, hoping Bucky was doing fine and not backsliding in any way. The deprogramming had been hard, and some of the times they’d been back in Wakanda, Bucky had been withdrawn, uncommunicative, and those times had ripped pieces of Steve’s heart out, even if he’d been warned beforehand that it could be like this and it being more than understandable given all Bucky has been through.

But this time, this time he’s nervous for a different reason. They haven’t had time. Not in Bucharest, not in Berlin, not in Siberia and not in Wakanda. They haven’t had time to really talk about what Bucky remembers apart from small fragments here and there. Not about any of the really important stuff anyway. What’s important to Steve. He just prays that Bucky remembers. That he still feels the same way.

They’re about to land and it takes everything in him not to just rush of the plane before it’s completely on the ground. He just needs to be there when Bucky wakes up, he tells himself. Everything else can wait, he shouldn’t put pressure on him, expect Bucky to immediately fall into his arms and say “what, you didn’t think I remembered, punk?”.

When it’s safe to do so he rushes of the plane, seeing Shuri is there waiting for them. She smiles at him and goes in for a quick hug. “You want to wait for Natasha?”, she asks, but before he can answer, she shakes her head. “Never mind, I’m sure she knows her way around by now.” Shuri gestures for him to follow as she starts walking. They’re not going towards the lab like they usually do, where the cryo chamber is, but instead pass by the palace and walk towards what seems to be farmland and one of the nearby lakes.

After walking for a little bit - and god is Steve grateful that Shuri isn’t trying to make small talk - he can see a little hut close to the lake. He looks at Shuri. She must see the questions in his eyes and stops walking. “He’s in there. We thought it would be a better environment for him to recuperate in than the palace or my lab. I’ll just leave you to it. If you need my help, you know where to find me.”

He nods, trying to get out a thank you but struggling for words. She takes it for what it is, squeezes his shoulder, and turns around to make her way back. He’s frozen in place for a little while, the nerves getting the better of him, before he clenches his jaw and makes his way towards the hut.

When he gets inside, he falls to his knees almost immediately. It’s been too long - months - since he saw Bucky. But he looks so different now, sleeping with a peaceful look on his face, wearing traditional Wakandan clothing as opposed to the clinical white clothes he had on in cryo. He feels overwhelmed, and can’t hold back a sob.

He sits there for hours, he doesn’t even know how long. Evening is starting to set when he notices a change in Bucky’s breathing. He holds his breath, his eyes locked on Bucky’s face, waiting for him to wake up. Slowly, so slowly, Bucky opens his eyes. He seems a little disoriented at first, staring up at the ceiling of the hut. He doesn’t notice Steve is there until Steve lets out a shaky breath.

Bucky’s eyes snap to him, looking ready to defend himself from an intruder and on full alert, but that look is only on his face for a second, quickly melting away into a soft look when he sees Steve, the corners of his eyes crinkling, a smile on his face. “Hi”, he says softly. “You’re here”.

Steve takes in another deep breath. “Of course I’m here Buck. I told you I’d be… I missed you”. Bucky closes his eyes, the smile on his face growing. “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you need to sleep more? I can go? Can I stay?” Bucky chuckles. “Don’t fuss sweetheart, I’m fine, don’t worry”. He starts to sit up and reaches for one of Steve’s hands.

Steve takes a second to reach back, still stunned by the use of the word “sweetheart”. He doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, it doesn’t have to mean anything, so he shakes himself out of it and finally takes Bucky’s hand. “Of course I don’t want you to go Stevie. What I really want though, is to go outside, you have no idea how much. Can we go to the lake?”

Steve nods quickly and helps Bucky get up from the mattress. He doesn’t let go once they’re both standing, face to face in the middle of the hut. Bucky tilts his head, looking at him curiously. Steve isn’t sure what to do. He lets go of Bucky’s hand and awkwardly, nervously, gestures with his hands to the hut’s entrance “uhm Lake? Yeah lake. Let’s go to the lake”.

Bucky chuckles again, and god is that a sound Steve missed. “Yeah, let’s go to the lake”, he says, a fond look on his face. The lake is almost right outside, just a couple of meters away. They walk in silence, and when Bucky plops down, Steve goes to sit next to him. They stare out over the glimmer lake in the sunset light, completely in silence. Steve has so many things he wants to say, so many things he wants to ask. He has no idea where to start.

He finds himself staring at Bucky. Of course he does. Bucky looks so much better than he’s seen him in a long time. He looks healthy, at peace. He looks beautiful, his hair shiny, half up half down, his face beautifully lit by the soft colored light, his eyes reflecting the calm waters of the lake, glittering like diamonds. He feels overcome.

He doesn’t notice he’s started crying until he feels Bucky’s finger brush his cheek. “Oh no, honey, don’t cry. It’s all okay, we’re all okay baby”. Steve let’s out a hiccuping sob. “Ohh sweetheart, what is it?” “I.. I wasn’t sure… I don’t”, he stammers out in between sobs.

“Ohh baby, you didn’t think I’d remember? How could I possibly forget?”, Bucky says then. Steve croaks out something that’s half sob half laugh. Bucky looks at him worriedly. “Talk to me, what’s wrong, everything okay?”. Steve swallows, tries to take a deep breath. “It’s perfect”, he whispers “everything is perfect”. He leans his head on Bucky’s shoulder, who is still for a beat, then leans down to kiss his temple. “I’m so happy you’re here.” “Always gonna be Buck. Always.”

#stucky #stucky fic #maya tries to write #wakanda husbands #bucky barnes #steve rogers

[dogtiber]

.

hello I am having a dog thought overwhelm today and also a general overwhelm woo please feel free to ignore me I am just working out some feelings

I feel like I haven’t been doing much with Tiber lately just because there’s so much going on rn

my to do list is miles long today too and will be for a while until I work my way through everything I need to do

but I feel BadTM about it. partner has been getting frustrated with us lately because it feels like his separation anxiety has backslid a little

(we let him sleep on the couch with us for a few nights because with Things Going On we were too stressed to deal with getting up/his whining, so we just let him stay with us to prevent it altogether. but now he seems more Upset than usual about being put to bed in his crate. it was likely not the smartest move but when we’re both tired and I’m disabled-exhausted and he’s getting-up-at-1am-for-work-several-days-in-a-row-exhausted we were kind of at the end of our rope for a bit)

but I am so sleepy and so tired right now but it is nearly impossible to catch up on the rest I need with Puppy.

we sent him to daycare on Sunday to give us some time to catch up on house work/get him some dog socialization time, but like even then. we spent the whole time cleaning the house, not resting.

we’re managing but I am becoming Increasingly Distressed about it and it is fine and we will get through it but bleegghggrrrgh

I really want to do more reading/research on dog training and esp on separation anxiety (since that’s our biggest problem with him rn) ((but also ADHD brain is getting overwhelmed and is having trouble focusing on that because there’s SO MANY important things we need to work on him right now too. like recall. oh my god his recall training has been going so bad. well like not *bad* but he is not really getting it at all. and I’m starting to feel like I need to change up our approach…but that requires reading and learning about different ones…which brings us back to…)) but because im so TIRED I just don’t have the brainpower to focus on that.

I think I’m extra emotionally distressed because partner and I had a tense upset moment yesterday. I didn’t really take Tiber out after his morning walk because he was asleep most of the day and wasn’t asking, or even eating or drinking much, too busy sleeping (I assume being tired from daycare the previous day) and when partner went to take him out, Tiber I guess couldn’t hold it and peed by the front door while he was getting his gloves on. which. was my fault for sure. I should have taken him out even if he wasn’t indicating he needed to go. but *I* wanted to nap too. so I just slept while Tiber slept and let us keep napping. and partner, after a long day at work, was extra frustrated and upset.

and it’s fine and we talked through the outburst and cleaned up and made up. but I’m on edge a little after it. just RSD kicking in I think. but still emotionally draining.

and the other day, partner asked if I could spend more time on the dog training at home, and worry less about household chores and that he’d take over more of that responsibility instead but I personally just don’t feel like this is going to be an effective solution?

(a lot of this is because our approaches dog training are…different. he just hasn’t had as much time to do training research because his job is busy, and that plus his prior childhood experiences with raising pets was…I would say less than ideal. his parents’ attitudes towards raising animals were/are. uh. questionable at best if not outright bad. (I constantly want to kidnap their cat she is having such a bad time over there.) so him trying to take over Tiber Time to give me a break and some rest time usually ends up with me involved anyway, because I’m trying to gently nudge him from doing things that might be aversive (gentle stuff, he’s not kicking the dog or anything, but I don’t super love his first line approach being to tug firmly away from things he shouldn’t have instead of trying to call or redirect attention first, for example. obviously sometimes just grabbing him is necessary if there’s a danger but like. if it’s a sock on the ground outside or whatever) or from asking Tiber for too much and not really getting the idea of setting him up for success, or trying to pair a cue without Tiber having learned the behavior first. and none of this is the end of the world but like. I don’t want to have to change a cue because it was poisoned or unteach a bad habit or counter condition something he taught. and maybe this is my control issues coming into play but like I also think it’s important to set Tiber up for as much success as possible.)

((but also like. I’m a little frustrated also that he’d rather change around how our household works than to just. sit down and watch the videos/read the articles I send him.))

((I also get frustrated because sometimes the thing I need help with most is just staying with Tiber while I go downstairs to tidy up or take a shower or whatever. but he wants to go up to the loft to game and I don’t begrudge him this because it’s how he unwinds and also spends time with his brother, but when he does I get limited to upstairs with Tiber and can’t get anything done elsewhere.))

it’s been double hard lately because of Tiber’s vomiting and tummy troubles. vet has him on just his kibble and has allowed some plain boiled chicken for treats while we’re working out what’s up, but that means I can’t give as many options for kongs or longer lasting chews or whatever to keep him busy.

so even if I had “more time” to work with the dog, I can’t dog train all day, and I still have to watch him between sessions so he doesn’t puppy chew the house apart. and I can’t distract and occupy him as well right now without access to high value treats and likis and things. (he won’t really work for his kibble unless he’s *really* hungry and I’m not interested in starving him for the sake of some peace.) me doing chores is not really the problem I just need help watching the dog. and also a nap.

also this has reminded me that we’re out of chicken to boil so I need to get more because we have literally no treats for Tiber in this house rn.

and it’s fine and we’ll see how things go for a while first but I desperately need some quality sleep and rest to be able to actually functionally tackle anything right now and that’s just not happening currently. 🙃

and as my to do list gets longer ADHD brain wants to go more and more off the rails.

and I am just feeling dejected and overwhelmed and like I’m not enough.

bleh. I should get breakfast that’s probably where I should start. and then maybe try to grocery delivery some chicken for Tiber? I’d rather go down to the butcher but tbh I think I’m too tired for that long of a walk rn (even if it’s only 5 mins. I tired.)

I need hand holding and someone to start me on tasks man. girl help my executives are dysfunctioning.

#personal #journal #sorry for the vent #I just needed to process some emotions out loud #but because time zones none of my friends are awake #and partner is at work #and oh my god was this an ADHD rabbit chasing think

[stormy333]

How are you? The truth.

I’ve been trying to figure it out. Why can’t I write lately, what is my problem? I have the answer now. I am going to give you all a heads up we’re about to go into a slightly dark place but a real place. One I feel trapped in.

Enter at your own risk!!!

Mental Illness in not a joke. Chronic Invisible Illnesses are not jokes. Health is not a joke. Spiritual struggle is not a joke. These are not joking matters.

“How are you?”

I can’t answer you honestly at the moment. I know you care and are just being polite but if I say what comes to my mind heres what I’d say:

I used to be so strong in my faith that someone bulling me didn’t hurt that bad. I used to know for a fact that God loved me and had a glorious amazing plan for me and my family. I never used to dream of walking through the woods crying and asking God why he would do this to me. Never thought I’d have such a foul mouth that the only thoughts were “What’s your f*cking point?” Never thought I would pack all my ex best friends letters up and ask why I’m going through this, why my best friend would do that, why I had to sit in a vets office an get told about a once in a lifetime cancer and make an rough but right decision. Why I had to be sick all the time why I had to be such a f*cking burden why I couldn’t have just disappeared because hey maybe then things would be easier? Why do I have to explain to everyone and get weird looks, loose friends, and still be HERE for everyone? Hiding it pretending I’m not broken inside from the people who left the things I’ve been through the things I’m constantly going through the things I watch my family go through the things I can’t change. Then I say hey God I’m trying and it feels like I can’t cut a break then I remember how much worse it could be and feel bad for feeling how I feel? I WANT TO FEEL ENTITLED TO FEEL THE WAY I FEEL!!! Why can’t God just make it all better? What’ s his end game here? Why am I suffering? Yeah, I know it could be worse. I KNOW. I have thought these things through I know I should be grateful I’m alive but am I living? Am I truly living when I can feel the backslide? I can feel the downfall from coming off a med to help something and I know how long it will take to get back? I also know I am almost 18 and feel like a toddler or an extremely elderly person. I feel abandoned and suffocated. I feel hurt and angry. Sad and lost. So many feelings and most of all? I feel numb but it’s not numb? It’s that feeling of nothing and everything. All of it the good and the bad. So, how am I? I am trying.

I'm tired, confused, hurt and lost. But I’m trying. I’m done with the mask. I’m done being worried if someone is going to think I just want attention, not everyone shares their struggles constant but it doesn’t make it less real. I originally created my first ever blog as a place to vent and write and be myself yet I never truly allowed my real self to be there fully. When I began this one back in August, I promised myself that I would stop hiding parts of myself that I would be me completely. No screen name, no sensors just me. Sometimes that means we go down a dark path but it’s a real path.

I hope you all enjoyed this post. Sorry, it’s a bit sad but let’s be real Loves it's relatable. Anyways as always until next time stay safe 💝💚💙🥀

[ashintheairlikesnow]

For Kauri and Chris: it doesn't work as well as you hoped, does it?

(follows Time Apart)

CW: Former pet whumpee, past noncon references, fucky headspace around consent and SERIOUSLY misconstrued response to assault, some hardcore angst going on here, internalized victim-blaming

Chris feels fingers move through his hair, gently sweeping the shaggy copper to one side, and opens his eyes to see Kauri leaning over him. His wide blue eyes are warm, understanding.

"I saw Laken leave," Kauri says, gentle, and sits next to where Chris has curled up on his side on his bed. His fingers continue to run through Chris's hair, tingling over his scalp, a soft and subtle reassurance, words he doesn't have to hear. You are good, you are a good boy. "You want to tell me what happened?"

Chris closes his eyes again, turning his face to his sheets, to the faint scent of laundry detergent and the soft rustle of them against his skin. He tries not to see Laken's face, reddened and wet with tears, as they walked away. "We, we broke up."

Kauri's fingers pause - and then start up again, the moment so barely-there that even Chris almost misses it. "You broke up? Did they break up with you, or you with them?"

"Um. I, I, I thought they broke up with, um, with with me but then when they came over, they hadn't? But we just-... I, I broke... I broke up with them." His voice trembles, throat threatening to close up around the words, and he exhales, rocking himself forward and back where he lays, rubbing his hands reflexively over the seams of his pants, seeking out the soothing feeling of the texture there. "I told them I, I, I can't be with them anymore. I made them go."

This can't be the end, Chris. Not like this. Laken looked like he'd slapped them, their face pale and red both at once, eyes wide, dark pools demanding he take it back. This can't be the end of the line for us.

Then, then, then what is? Just, just go. I don't-... I don't, don't, don't want this any longer, for you. You shouldn't-... I, I, I'm... just go home, Laken. You shouldn't, shouldn't have, have wanted a whore anyway.

Chris. You know you're not-

I know I am! I, I, I almost had-... I almost-... I almost cheated on you last night!

Laken had swallowed, lips barely moving. You what?

I let, I, I, I let someone touch me, and it felt good, you know? It felt good. I, I, I got-... I, I got turned on by it. Like a fucking- He'd heard Handler Petrus in his mind, felt him against his back, the weight and heat of him, whispering into his ear while he sobbed. I'm still just a fucking slut. I'm, I'm, I'm still what I was, and it won't ever stop and-... just fucking go, Laken! Just get out and, and, and and and and-... and, and-

Chris, please-

Just fucking go home!

Chris-... baby, god damn it, I don't care if you-

But I do! Get the fuck away from me!

They'd left. Chris had listened to their footsteps running down the stairs and out the door, heard their car pull out of the driveway, and he'd cried into his pillow until it was damp, until he couldn't hear their car any longer. His phone buzzed twice, a text from Ben and another one from Akio, but he didn't answer.

He didn't answer when they called after that.

He didn't answer Jake calling to him from downstairs, he didn't answer Antoni in the doorway, he didn't answer any of them at all. He just stayed right here, on his bed, and knocked his head into a pillow he held against the wall until he calmed down enough to stop.

And then he cried more.

His head pounds, a dull throb, and he feels dried out from all the tears. Like he'd been crusted with salt, like his professor who told the story about Lot's wife and Orpheus and Eurydice. Don't look back or you'll turn to salt, you'll go back down into the empty places alone.

He can't not look back.

He groans, smacking himself on the thighs reflexively, repeatedly, as if he can stop his thoughts that way.

Kauri doesn't try to stop him, only pulls his hand back to give Chris the space to move. "Did you want to break up with them?" He asks, simply. His voice is calm.

"No. Yes. I, I don't know." The seams of his pants aren't enough, and Chris breathes against the sense of a chaos inside of himself, a swirling mix of self-hatred and grief. His hands move up to tap on his stomach. Finger-twist-tap-tap-tap. It doesn't help as much as he needs it to. "I didn't... want them to, to, to have to be with me."

"I think Laken is capable of making that choice for themself." Kauri sits slowly back against the headboard, breathing out, his eyes moving over the messy contents of the bedroom. The pictures Chris has taped haphazardly up on the walls, the shelf with his stim toys on it, his computer on the desk half-buried in a pile of clean clothes he hasn't folded. "If they want to be with you, that's their decision. Do you want to be with them?"

Chris wants to say yes, but the word sticks in his throat. His heart pounds inside him, all out of rhythm. He just nods against his sheets, and feels Kauri brush fingers through his hair again. "But, but, but, but I'm, I'm not worth it, I'm t-too hard, I'm still a, a, a pet too much."

There's a silence. Then, "Is that what you really think?"

He'd love to be able to say no. He'd love to be able to say he's being dramatic. But instead, in a small, soft voice, Chris whispers, "I just. I just. I, I, I don't know a-any-anymore. I... Yes."

Kauri is quiet, and then his hands are on Chris's face, wiping away with his thumb a tear Chris hadn't even realized had escaped. Chris had flinched from the same gesture when Laken did it, but he holds for Kauri.

"Oh, honey. I used to think that, too." Kauri sighs, and Chris opens his eyes, looking up at him, seeing a faraway expression.

He shifts, moving to rest his head on Kauri's thigh, a silent request for the petting through his hair to begin again.

Kauri smiles, a little faintly, a little sad. His fingers move over Chris's scalp, settle over the top of his scar, start again. "I did that for years, Chris. I told myself I was a pet, just another Romantic, that I deserved everything I did to myself and I didn't deserve anything better. I woke up in alleyways and on park benches and sometimes in the beds of guys I couldn't remember meeting. I got... I got hurt by some of them, and I told myself it was what I wanted. I got drugged a few times, I drugged myself a bunch more. I tried to make myself not want to be cared about anymore."

Chris thinks about the taste of gin and olives down his throat, throwing back dirty martinis until he threw them back up again, until he couldn't stop hearing Sir's voice inside his head, feeling his lips against the back of his neck. Hands on his hips, phantom ghost touch, moving him into position.

"It... didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Every time I told myself I didn't deserve love, even when I believed it... that didn't mean I didn't still want it. Need it, even. But I wanted, so badly-..." Kauri's voice catches, and his eyes close, briefly, as he steadies himself. "I wanted to make sure everyone around me hated me as much as I hated myself. But God, Chris, it hurts so much to live that way. Don't... don't be like me. It took me years to realize I didn't deserve that pain, that I didn't deserve to be punished for leaving Owen."

Chris is silent, now. Kauri's voice is always almost hypnotizing, deep and a little melodic, and it settles some of the buzzing awful noise inside of him.

"I had to learn-... to accept... that what happened to me makes up a lot of who I am, because it was the thing that made me, but it isn't all of who I am. And if I keep repeating the patterns I came up with to protect myself... I'm not really protecting myself at all." Kauri smiles, a little. "I'm only laying siege to myself, and I'm the only one who starves inside the walls. I-... I built those walls, and Jake kept trying to knock them down, and I kept building them higher. And Nat would throw food over the wall, and I'd throw it back. And... I think I got a little off track. My point is that... is that I shattered myself, over and over again, because shattered is what I was taught to be. But eventually I had to admit that breaking myself into pieces was just cutting me up, not anyone else. Do you understand?"

Chris swallows, his throat opening a little bit, and he hums. Kauri's leg is warm against his ear and his cheek, his hand is warm over his hair. Chris grips onto the silicone feather he wears always on a cord around his neck and runs it over his lips, feeling the carved vanes move against thin, sensitive skin. "Kind of."

"You try to see the light in everything," Kauri says, and the love in his voice makes Chris smile despite all his pain. "That's always been what made you stronger than me, Chris. You saw the world as full of good things you were here to discover. You never hated yourself like I did. I don't want you to start now."

"How... how did you, um, did you learn to to to stop?"

Another long exhale. Outside, two birds are singing in the trees. "Time, mostly," Kauri says, finally. "And... that guy I went home with once, when I came back all... fucked up. Remember that?"

"Y, yeah."

"I realized... I realized, when Jake was helping me up the stairs, that every time I tried to push him away, he was still there. And every time I hurt him, or Nat, or Antoni, they were still there. And that you were-... you were so new, Chris, and I was teaching you this really awful idea that you can't get better, and I couldn't do that any longer. I couldn't. It's not instant, and there are backslides, and some days getting out of bed is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I do, because I love the life I've made, and I know you love yours. You worked so hard for this, Chris, for everything you are and you've done since you came to live with Nat. Don't give that up because... because you're struggling. Don't let them win by convincing you you can't be anything else."

"I'm so-... it feels like a shell," Chris says, and pushes himself up to sitting, legs out to one side, tucking his head into the crook of Kauri's neck. The older man's arms move around his waist, holding him close, one hand moving up to keep stroking through his hair as he bites down on the feather, chewing on the familiar plastic. "Like I, I, I built a shell, and when Nova-... it cracked."

"Yeah. I know how that feels." Kauri turns his head, pressing a kiss to the top of Chris's hair, easy and comfortable. Chris hums around his feather, rocking just a little. The rising tide of grief inside him threatens to become a wave he can't withstand. He pushed Laken away, too far away, he made them leave him.

He broke up with them.

He made them go.

He can't take that back.

"Listen to me," Kauri whispers, lips against his scalp. "When I was at my lowest, when I hated myself the most, when I demanded Jake abandon me to what I kept telling myself I wanted... he didn't. He was still there. He was still there, and even if we weren't going to be together, he was still willing to help me stand up as a friend. When I was nothing but pieces drawing blood, he still loved me. He loved the pieces as much as the person, and he helped me put myself back together. It's not perfect. It's not overnight. And you'll still have hard days. But it's worth it, Chris."

"Why? Why, why, why is it worth it?"

"Because the world is beautiful," Kauri says, repeating his own long-ago words back to him, and Chris almost smiles. "Because I love the world, now, Chris, and I decided to try as hard as I can to love myself. I learned that from you."

"What if-... what if, if, if it's too late? What if I can't t-talk to them, or-"

"Then we'll stand you back up from there, and start moving forward again. You'll never lose us, we're family, Chris. But I think you should talk to Laken, and tell them what you're feeling, and let them decide how to react instead of deciding for them. They love you." Kauri puts a hand under his chin and lifts it, so their eyes meet. "Let them love you hurting just as much as they do when you're not."

"What if I don't... want to try any longer?"

"Then we'll be here to help you through that, too. All of it. Any of it. For better or worse, Chris, I'm your big brother - and so is Jake, and so is Antoni - and you're stuck with us whether you like it or not."

Chris tucks his head back down so Kauri can't see the tears well back up and run down, even as they soak into his shirt. His teeth grind down on the silicone plastic between them.

"I, I, I fucked up, Kauri," he whimpers, and then starts to sob. "I didn't-... I, I, I just don't w-want to be in m-my body anymore..."

Kauri holds him close.

"I h-hate it, I hate it, I hate it," Chris wails, and Kauri rests his chin on Chris's head and lets him cry. "I hate being p-pretty, I hate my, my, my, I hate that they made my body like this, I hate that I g-get scared and and and, and, and I can't stop things from happening to me, I h-hate that I hurt Laken, I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it!"

"I know," Kauri whispers. "I know, honey. I know."

"I h-hate myself-"

"Sssshhhh, I know."

Chris doesn't know how long he cries for.

But eventually he falls asleep in Kauri's arms.

-

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @whumpfigure @astrobly @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears

Playlist for this piece:

Lewis Capaldi: Hold Me While You Wait Rob Thomas: Pieces Vienna Teng: Between Aerelie Brighton: Breathe Josh Ritter: Girl in the War Beth Crowley: Runaway Train

#whump #bbu #box boy universe #chris the strawberry blond romantic #erase to control #angst #angst angst angst #caretaker and whumpee #whumpee turned caretaker #recovering whumpee #past noncon references #ptsd tw #noncon survivor #internalized victim-blaming #references to assault #heavy angst #hurt/comfort #so much hurt though #emotional whump #trauma recovery tw #box boy

[scullysflannel]

but pls explain me season 6 🤪 (i would love to hear ur reading of mulder in s6)

lol neither one of us expected this to be 1400 words long but here we are.

So my first and most honest take on Mulder and Scully in season 6 is just that the writers were playing the game more that season. They spent five years subverting the Hollywood idea that two people who love each other have to act like they hate each other, and then the show moved to L.A. and the writers were like okay! It’s trope time! And they dropped a cow through Mulder’s roof so there would only be one motel bed for him to share with Scully. I respect the game. It’s my favorite season. But it’s a big shift from the way Mulder and Scully were written before, and it really only works because the season winds up being thematically cohesive enough to justify it, to a degree that was probably sometimes intentional and other times definitely not. Like in Arcadia I think we can all agree the writers were simply men making bad jokes about marriage.

But in the big picture, so much of the season supports the idea that Mulder and Scully are backsliding because they’re fighting the next stage of their relationship. I’ve said this before, but I think the hallway confession in Fight the Future is massive for Mulder and Scully in season 6. Way bigger than Diana. Scully says it in the season premiere: When Mulder told her that he needs her to be his scientist, the lesson she took from that was that she can’t change. The whole season thematically is about the two of them being afraid to let themselves change each other or admit they already have, because they’re afraid that if they stop being the Skeptic and Believer they stop working. They don’t want to risk losing each other. But they can’t be in a relationship if they can’t be changed by each other. So they’re stuck in this terrible limbo, and they’re not happy about it, especially because they’re already at a point where the roles they’re playing don’t fit them anymore. And at a macro level that’s honestly some of the best justification for “will they/won’t they” screwball comedy fanservice I’ve ever heard.

I love all the ways the season plays with Mulder and Scully’s anxiety. In Dreamland Mulder gets trapped in traditional married life; in Arcadia Scully signs them up for it and all he does is mock her; in The Rain King they keep getting mistaken for a couple. They’re always having to confront these domestic expectations. Neither one of them wants that life, but they were both kind of bred to expect it: Mulder the Martha’s Vineyard kid, Scully the sacrificial military wife. That’s part of what they’re struggling with: They don’t have a blueprint for what being a couple will look like for them, and they keep having these visions of the worst possible ending. “Getting out of the car” isn’t even a line until Dreamland, but Drive is literally “if Mulder gets out of the car, will someone die?” Do they die without each other (Tithonus) or because of each other (How the Ghosts)?

A lot of people have written so well about the motifs of this season. @iconicscullyoutfits pointed out how many season 6 episodes involve resets (How the Ghosts), usually with memory wipes (Dreamland, Monday) and dreams (Triangle, Field Trip). The message is that Mulder and Scully can’t move forward if they can’t get out of their own heads. (Field Trip pulls it all together by putting them in each other’s heads.) @foxmulders brought up how season 6 keeps telling Mulder and Scully they’re fated to live and die together (Triangle, Monday, How the Ghosts) but still forces them to choose each other on purpose, and I think a lot of the season lives in that tension between knowing something and still having to choose it. And @thegrotesckque has a great take on how Field Trip resolves the “getting out of the car” question (is it a betrayal for Scully and Mulder? Is it a betrayal for the show?) by proving that they’re better as a team when they stop playing Skeptic and Believer anyway. That’s what saves them.

All of that is so much better than whatever the show is trying to do with Diana. She’s not written well enough to explain why Mulder is so loyal to her (but is written just badly enough to justify Scully’s animosity lol). The X-Files doesn’t care about Diana as a person or even about her relationship with Mulder and how it affects him; it’s not like being burned by Diana brings up Mulder’s trust issues later in the season. They just wanted Scully to be jealous. It’s the weakest trope in a very tropey season; they threw in a love triangle and then immediately stopped caring about it, and not in a funny “no one else stands a chance” kind of way, although obviously yeah, no one else stands a chance.

But Diana isn’t the point. Even if she were better written she wouldn’t be Mulder and Scully’s biggest problem, because all of the interesting episodes of the season are about how Mulder and Scully are their own biggest problem. Diana just weaponizes those insecurities. Like, yes “you’re making this personal” is so rude it’s comical and Mulder is a jerk to Scully about Diana and Diana is a snob, and you can see all of that contributing to why Mulder and Scully are on edge with each other in the first half of the season. But it’s not like either one of them actually thinks Diana might be better for Mulder than Scully is. They’re just afraid they’ll let her stand in their way.

If I wanted to really give the Diana arc the benefit of the doubt, it would go like this: Diana is a catalyst for Scully to realize how much she wants to feel wanted. Mulder takes Scully for granted, and I’m usually kind of charmed by that (I know) because he trusts her so much. He’s so comfortable with her (@wtfmulder has written about this). But when Diana shows up and he starts siding with Diana over Scully, it hurts, especially because he never gives her a good reason. Really I think he’s just loyal and handling it badly. He sides with Diana because that’s the relationship he thinks needs defending right now. We talk a lot about the power imbalance in Scully’s previous relationships, but from the way Mulder behaves around his old girlfriends it seems like he’s been overpowered just as much. This is the first equal relationship for both of them.

It’s just wild that they put themselves through so much because it’s so simple. Of course Mulder loves Scully. He tells her so. But I think Dana “oh brother” Scully is right that he’s not ready to do anything about it, because if he were he’d be making her feel desired. He can say “I love you” on painkillers, but he can’t even ask her to dance in Kroner. He makes bad jokes to deflect (hence all of Arcadia). He’s just as overwhelmed as Scully is by the weight of what they are. I think in early season 6 they both still need the song and dance that gives them plausible deniability: him stealing her car keys and her insisting that she really should be getting home. And if Mulder has a hard time earnestly pursuing her, I think Scully also has a harder time than she’d admit letting herself be pursued. They’ve been kicked off the X-files. In a way just spending time together is so much more intentional than it used to be. Everything means more.

I don’t think they start to get their act together until Milagro, when Scully lets go of her desire to be pursued. The show’s method is bad—Dana Scully is never allowed to learn a lesson until her body is put in danger—but I think David Duchovny mostly saved it by making sure Mulder learns something too. Even if he had no idea what would happen right before The Unnatural, the way the episodes fall is perfect. Mulder finally figures out that Scully wants him to want to spend time with her outside work. It only took six full years. 

And then because they are very zero to sixty I think there’s a good chance they start doing IVF, like, right after that. Love that journey for them. If they started IVF before Mulder read Scully’s mind, he must have been insufferably needy. Maybe that’s why they’re so short with each other in Field Trip; they’re trying to make a baby and they need supernatural intervention to process it. It takes a literal religious revelation to convince Mulder and Scully it’s okay to hook up.

#this is so long it's fully unhinged i'm so sorry #o6666666 #season 6 #xf thoughts

[98prilla]

Acceptance

Remus has a breakdown. 

A03

...

He’s shaking, trembling, really, curled up on the bed, rocking back and forth, arms wrapped tightly around himself, nails digging into his skin, but he can’t stop, he can’t stop, he’s so exhaustedly broken, but if he stops moving he’ll die.

 His room is a mess. He’s destroyed everything in it, all the furniture, his desk and his chair and his shelves, his morning star shattered to pieces. He’s already torn through his imagination, his castle in ruins, burned to the ground, ash scorching the air, the force of his screams blowing out the stained glass, and not in a fun way.

 His sketches are ripped and torn and scattered across the floor, his notebooks ripped in half, his paints stomped on, staining the floor in sticky puddles of colors, splashed against the walls, ruining the mural he’d worked so hard on, all mixing and melding into an ugly brown color.

 It’s ugly and disgusting and gross and he hates it, hates it all, hates himself, hates everything, everything here.

 The voices are so loud. They’re so loud in his head and he can’t drown them out, they eat away at his brain like acid oozing in through his ears, they rip at his skin with the force of a hurricane, peeling off his layers of skin, then muscle, then flesh, then bone, until he crumbles to dust, scraping him apart with his own bones, his own teeth turning against him as they clench down on his tongue, hot blood dripping between them, down his chin, and he can’t see anything, he’s lost, so lost, deep in his own head.

 He wants it to stop! He wants it to shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

He’s choking on his blood and he coughs, spits, not caring that it lands somewhere on his bed, on his usually tidily made sheets, staining them red, red, red, too much red, and his fingers dig deeper into his flesh, more red dripping down his arms. He’s too hot and too cold and it aches and it burns and everything is too loud and too much, his clothes are scratchy and rough against his skin, his every breath in and out sounds like thunder, his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

 He’s screaming. He thinks he’s screaming? He can’t tell if it’s him or someone else, but the sound is earth shattering, ear piercing, it gives him something to focus on, but soon his lungs are burning and despite everything his voice gives out, but there’s still too much left, he hasn’t let enough out, it’s still bubbling under his skin in ulcerous blisters. He screams again, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because no one is coming, no one is left, no one is here anymore. DeeDee is gone, Virgil is gone, his brother is gone, Patton never liked him, and Logan barely tolerates him, he’s all alone, no one is coming to save him from himself, and it hurts, it hurts more than a knife to the heart, it hurts more than splinters in his eyes, it hurts more than tacks in his feet, it hurts more than swallowing fire ants alive, and distantly he’s aware of hoarse, desperate sobs cracking through the silence, but it doesn’t feel real, nothing feels real.

 His world is spinning, spiraling, colors blurring and blending and reality is cracking, and he can’t even name the strange horrors he’s seeing, just vague images and ideas, filled with pain, and hurt, and violence, and he cries out for someone, anyone, for Dee, please, please, please! Then it fractures into a million, billion fractal reflections and facades and broken, empty reflections, and he knows it is hopeless.

…

It’s Logan, who finds him. Remus has been oddly silent for the last three days, and though the others brushed it off, it has him worried. Still, he was hesitant to breach Remus’s walls, but Janus was backsliding, and he knows how good Remus is with the scaled side when it comes to this.

 The room is a mess. Which is what he is expecting, to be honest, Roman’s always is too, papers and ideas and sketches hung to cork boards, plotting out his next grand adventure or novel. But this is a different kind of mess. A destructive kind of mess. Which, again, may not be unusual, until he looks closer.

 Journals. Notebooks. Beautiful drawings done in ball point pen, incredibly detailed, it would have taken hours to make some of these, and he recognizes the ripped and trampled shreds of some of them, remembers Remus showing them with pride. He can’t imagine Remus destroying them, and he adjusts his glasses nervously, taking another step deeper into the dark room, having to squint to make anything out. He fumbles around, and finally finds a light switch. It turns on green fairy lights, and all the air rushes out of his lungs before he practically sprints to the bed.

 “Remus. Remus, can you hear me?” The creative side’s eyes are open, staring blankly ahead, unseeing. He’s rocking just a bit, mumbling incoherently under his breath. He’s wearing only boxer briefs, small shivers wracking his frame, and he can’t tell if it’s from cold or shock. Dried blood covers his chin, stains his arms, and he realizes that Remus is scratching at his chest in a steady, methodical pattern. It is oozing blood, a deep X mark, nails digging deep into his flesh as if trying to claw his heart out of his chest.

  He lets out a strangled sound and catches Remus’s hands firmly, though once he’s holding them, they go limp.

 “Remus. I am going to sink out with you now.” He doesn’t think Remus can hear him, but he narrates his actions anyway, taking a deep breath and sinking out to the commons.

 “Logan?” Virgil asks as soon as he appears on the floor with Remus, setting aside his headphones. Then he catches a good look of the two of them and curses, leaping off the chair, crouching by Logan's side.

 “He appears to be in a dissociative state. He is unresponsive to both noise and touch.” He explains, voice wobbling. “I am going to fetch the first aid kit and attempt to clean off the blood to determine the extent of the injuries. Stay with him?” Virgil nods instantly, taking Remus's hands as Logan stands, shifting to kneel before him.

 “Rem. Oh, Rem, what happened?” Virgil asks softly, not expecting a response, surprised as he feels Remus squeeze his hands, eyes shooting up to Remus’s face, finding it just as blank as it was moments earlier, but his grip doesn’t loosen. He keeps a tight hold of Remus’s hands as Logan returns.

 Remus doesn’t make a sound as Logan carefully wipes away the blood, wincing at the deep scratches running down Remus’s arms, careful around the deep gash on his chest. He wraps bandages all the way up Remus’s clawed arms, then carefully sews up the gash, before packing it with gauze. Virgil is wincing in sympathy, but Remus doesn’t flinch or acknowledge them even once.

 “He’s freezing. We need to get him into clothes and warmed up. Hopefully that will help bring him out of his shock. Familiar faces and voices will also help.”

 “Janus’s room.” Virgil says automatically, grabbing hold of Logan and sinking out.

…

He's warm.

 He's wearing clothes, but they don’t scratch and scrape and dig into his skin. They’re soft and perfect.

 The voices are quieter. Still loud, still there, but quieter, and he realizes someone is speaking.

 “Rem? Can you hear me?” Virgil. His senses snap to, and he blinks, clearing his vision.

 Virgil is before him, legs curled under him on the bed, Virgil's hands in his. His eyes are wide, breath held.

 He's curled up on someone's lap, and realizes it's DeeDee, humming softly, his hands gently rubbing up and down his arms, grounding him.

 Logan is the voice. He’s sitting beside the bed, a book open in his lap, reading aloud, the even, gentle noise quieting his mind further. He lets out a deep, shaking breath, slumping back against Dee, exhausted.

 “hi.” He whispers, letting a soft gasp as Dee's hand cards through his hair.

 “Hello, darling. How’re you feeling?” Dee's voice a soft murmur, a purr against his ear.

 “Oh, ‘m fine. You know me, always getting into something or other.”

 “Remus. You were and are not fine. You have been in a dissociative state for about a day now since I found you, though it very well may have been longer as you have been absent for about three, and done significant harm to yourself in that time.” Logan, setting aside his book. He swallows hard, pushing himself out of Dee's lap, moving to the edge of the bed.

 “oh. S-sorry.”

 “For what?” He blinks, looking up at Virgil.

 “what?”

 “What are you sorry for, Remus?” He swallows hard, squeezing shut his eyes, idly scratching at his arms, before he feels someone once again take his hands. He almost whines, because he needs the pain, he needs it, it’s the only thing that helps.  

 “everything. I know I’m too much. I kn-know that’s why you left, cause I’m too loud and too annoying and too much. I can’t control myself, no matter how hard I try I just can’t and I ruin everything, and I’m not… not good.”

 “Remus. Is that what triggered you to shut down?” He picks at his bandages, before those hands corall his again, and he shakes.

 “D-dee’s gonna leave. You’re gonna leave. I’m gonna be all alone in the d-dark and it ma-kes it so much louder, it gets so loud, and I can’t make it stop, it won’t stop, but the p-ain makes them shut up, just for a bit, but it’s enough, it stops and it’s enough, and it hurts, but it’s f-fine, it’s fine! I deserve it. I can de-al with it, that’s my job, right? Handle all the bad, all the b-bad no one else wants, who cares if I can’t stop thinking what Roman would look like with his guts pulled out and strung across the bedposts, who cares if I can’t stop seeing plucking every shiny scale off of DeeDee, who cares if I try to rip my own heart out so I can crush it in my own fist, so I can never, never hurt anyone? It’s not enough, it’s never enough, it’s too much, too loud, too loud, too loud!” He screams, ripping his hands away from whoever is holding them, breath speeding as he falls off the edge of the bed onto the floor, clutching at his head and shaking.

 “nonononono No! I don’t wanna… I won’t, I WON’T! Don’t make me, don’t… I won’t hurt them, iwon’tiwon’tiwon’tiwon’t-“ Visions are filling his head, terrible, awful, horrible, and he’s clawing at himself, his face, his hands, his legs, anything, everything, because he’s bad, he’s being bad, he deserves to be punished.

 “Remus! Remus, Stop!” Virgil is pinning him down, and he snarls, kicking, fighting, gnashing teeth, then one of his hands gets loose and he swipes at Virgil with a hiss.  Virgil yelps, drawing back, and his vision clears, horrified. Four long scratch marks mar Virgil’s face, going from his left temple, across his eye, rather like Scar in the lion king. He lets out a small wheeze, scrambling back, unable to look away from the red, red, red, he hurt Virgil, he hurt him, he did that, he hurt him, he’s terrible, awful, this is why he deserves to be alone, this is what’s wrong with him, he’s not normal, he’s not good, he’s a mess and a wreck and a problem, everything that Thomas didn’t want, everything wrong with Thomas, everything wrong with the universe and they’re going to leave-

 “Ree, it’s ok, I’m ok, I promise.” Virgil, arms open, and he howls as he falls into them, clutching at him, whimpering and whispering apology after apology. “I know. It’s ok, Rem, I forgive you, I know you didn’t mean to, I know.” Virgil murmurs in his ear, rocking him.

 “I’m not leaving you, Remus. I wouldn’t ever leave you behind. I will never leave you all alone. I promise.” DeeDee, slipping behind him, wrapping both him and Virgil in his arms, and he presses tighter against Virgil.

 “It’s f-fine. I can’t hurt anyone if I’m all alone.”

 “Falsehood. You’ll hurt yourself, Remus. And that is an unacceptable outcome.” Logan, soft but firm.

 “S-so? Why… why does it matter? So what if I hurt myself? Its not… im not like all of you. I’m not important, I don’t matter.”

 “You do. Rem, you matter. I’m sorry I just… left, I’m sorry, but it wasn’t your fault. It was… a lot of things all combining, but it wasn’t all on you. It… it was mostly me. You scared me. When Lo popped up with you, there was so much blood and you weren’t talking and I thought… I just… I care, ok? I never really stopped caring, so don’t you dare give up on me. You’re the most stubborn, headstrong person I know, Rem. You’re not bad, just like I’m not bad, even if we can’t control ourselves sometimes, that doesn’t make us bad.” Virgil mumbles, holding him tight.

 “You always take care of me, Remus. I will always do the same for you, if you just ask. You hide it so well.” He curls further into a ball, new, silent tears flowing down his face as the voices finally go silent, leaving him alone in his own mind.

 “I scare Patton. Roman hates me.” He argues weakly.

 “patton has warmed up to you. He understands that you have your own intrusive thoughts, and he can see through them to your actual distress and meaning. And Roman… is difficult but he misses you more than he would ever admit. Regardless, we are not leaving you alone or behind simply because of their feelings. Not when it is a matter of safety. Your safety.” Logan replies, and he sighs, a long, shaking breath, fists uncurling from around Virgil's sweater.

 “I’ll hurt you. I have hurt you.”

 “Ah. You referring to your introduction video, when you threw a ninja star into my head and ripped out two of my teeth.” He nods, looking down at the ground. “You know you did not actually cause me any harm, Remus. I can see through your actions and recognize they are not reality. Your actions did not actually damage me in any way. You knew that would be the case, which is why you targeted me, instead of Virgil or Patton, who would take the injuries literally.” Logan counters, and he’s surprised Logan can see through him that well, even then.

 “I love you.” He mumbles. “I love you and I’m terrified I’ll go too far and actually hurt you.” Exhaustion creeps into his voice. He knows what he wants, what he’s always wanted, but he won’t ask for them to stay, he won’t obligate them like that, when they should want to run as far and fast as they can. “you should leave me behind.” His throat feels dry when he says those words, the opposite of what he wants, but it’s what’s right.

 “Remus. Would it be accurate to state the thoughts get louder and progressivly more violent and dark in nature the longer you are without contact?” He furrows his brow, confused.

 “I… I guess. It… in the dark and the quiet there’s nothing else, just my own head and I can’t get out of it.”

 “Have the thoughts stopped now?”

 “yes, I mean, they never really stop, but they aren’t the only thing anymore, I can push them to the back of my head and only let the smaller ones slip out. It’s like a whisper when it was a scream earlier.”

 “Then why would we leave, darling?” Dee asks, and he blinks.

 “What?”

 “You pretty much just said that being around people and ambient noise makes your intrusive thoughts easier to manage, and stops you from getting so sucked in you end up hurting yourself, you idiot. So if you’re hanging out with us, yeah, they’re still gonna happen but they’re not gonna be as bad. Probably easier to control, just like my anxiety. That’s what a support network is for, Ree. It… it took me a long time, I guess, to actually learn that for myself, but it was worth it.” Virgil mutters, face a bit red, though he doesn’t miss the small, proud smile on Logan’s lips, the gleam in his eye as he looks at Virgil.

 His own mind is reeling. Of course, it’s easier to keep them quiet when there’s other noise around, of course touch is grounding and helps keep him centered in the present, of course doing things, activities, writing, drawing, helps keep his mind focused and allows him to let out the thoughts without hurting anyone, he just… he didn’t think the others would care about all that enough to justify letting him be around them.

 “I mean, I know that! I just… I didn’t think any of you would want to be part of mine.” He mumbles, hugging himself with a slight shiver.

 “Of course we will. We love you too, or whatever.” Virgil mumbles, pulling Remus back into a hug, before grinning and hefting him up in his arms, depositing him back on the bed despite his surprised screech of protest.

 He laughs as DeeDee settles beside him once again, stretching out and resting his head in Dee’s lap, legs laying atop Virgil, who snorts, but doesn’t move, simply grabs a fluffy throw blanket and tosses it over him.

 “We’ll speak to the others tomorrow. I don’t expect a problem integrating you into the group, Remus. It will be beneficial for everyone. All of us working together is what is supposed to happen, anyways.” Logan says, voice smiling. “For now, you need to rest and let everything heal.”

 “ok. Keep reading? I… it helps, I think. He mumbles, already half asleep. He hears Logan’s voice start again, steady, feels Dee’s hand in his hair, feels Virgil holding his hand, and he smiles, tears dripping down his face. He didn’t think it was possible, any of this, and it feels… good. So, so good. For once, he doesn’t think he’s going to ruin everything. For once, he thinks the voices whispering in the back of his mind aren’t him, at heart, just a side effect of who he is and what he represents. And he knows, he’s safe from them, with so much warmth surrounding him.

#sanders sides #tss #virgil sanders #sympathetic virgil #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #deceit sanders #sympathetic deciet #logan sanders #sympathetic logan #intrusive thoughts #disturbing imagery #typical remus stuff #mild blood #self harm #self loathing #dissociation #dissociative state #angst #remus angst #fluff #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort

[deliriumsdelight7]

Feel free not to answer this until TMI Tuesday, but what are you cooking in that brilliant noggin of yours?

No, shan't, I'm too excited and need to rant about this. Otherwise I'm going to bust out a Chapter One which I desperately don't need right now. Maybe after Heavy Rain AU is done. So yeah, thank you for letting me get some of this out of my system before I explode.

Throwing up a tag because spoilers and ranting ahead.

Okay, so when I started writing Cycles, it was mainly with the intent of keeping the original story of California Solo intact, but continuing it in a way that wouldn't result in Lachlan dead in a ditch in the UK somewhere (which is, in my opinion, where the movie had him headed).

This is me going, "you know what? California Solo's ending was stupid and ambiguous in the most unsatisfying way possible. Everything after a certain point felt like character backsliding for the sake of drama." (Hmmm, that sounds familiar...)

So! What am I cooking up? A self-indulgent, trope-heavy mess that's going to take place halfway through the movie. Belle (not the traumatized Cycles Belle, but a different Belle) is going to be a long-time customer at the farmer's market, and she's going to find out about Lachlan's plight. In order to help him stay in America and keep his green card, she's going to propose marriage.

Oh, that's right. We're committing immigration fraud. It's going to be like an arranged-marriage-meets-fake-dating-with-plenty-of-idiots-in-love-and-mutual-pining thing. They're going to have to live together. They're going to have to fake a relationship while also faking that they're not terribly into each other. They're going to have to share a bed. I've been looking up immigration law (side note: the reason why they deported him is bullshit), and it's giving me a few ideas.

Oh, and did I mention, this comes before Lachlan's "maybe I should stop being a self-centered shithead" epiphany in the movie. So... that's going to be fun.

I'm not quitting on Cycles, though! I finally have an idea of how the next chapter will go, and want to get cracking on that soon. I'd really like to get that story resolved. I'm not fully happy with it - it's the first thing I'd written in fifteen years, and it definitely shows - but once it's done, maybe I can do a second draft.

Anyway, yes, that's my rant. Thank you for indulging me!

#tmi tuesday #it's gotta be Tuesday somewhere so it counts #ask answered

[justcallmefox89]

Truth or Dare Part 4

The birthday sleep over has completely fallen apart, Mammon and Levi are at each other’s throats, Arianthi backslides into old thoughts and dangerous habits, and Diavolo offers her comfort.  

Some good old fashioned angst and NSFW content:  Language, blowjob, penetrative sex, face riding, unprotected sex.  

Remember everyone, consent is key.  Being open and honest with your partner and making sure you’re both on the same page is the sexiest thing you can do for one another.  Also - practice safe sex mmmkay? :)

TW: body image and self esteem issues, eating disorders.

Written from the perspective of my female character Arianthi. 

I’m adding a different mood playlist to each installment of this series, just songs that I listened to while writing and feel embody each part of the story. 

Foxy Shazam - Count Me Out

Callum Scott - Dancing on My Own

Meg Myers - Desire

Hozier - Movement

Jess Benko - A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be 

“Arianthi!  Arianthi!  Open the damn door!”  Mammon pounds on the door to Arianthi’s room, unable to open it.

“Screaming at her to open the door after you’ve just insulted her on her birthday probably isn’t the best way to get her to let you in Mammon,” Lucifer says coldly.

“I doubt she’d let you in anyway, scumbag,” Satan adds, an angry growl in his voice. 

Mammon opens his mouth to snap back, then closes it, unable to come up with a retort.

“Stupid Mammon can’t even defend himself this time,” Asmo mocks.  “You just blew whatever shot you had with Arianthi straight to hell.”

Mammon looks at the floor, ashamed.  “I didn’t mean it.  She’s got to know I didn’t mean it, I was just so.....”

“Jealous?  Stupid?  Idiotic?  Pick a description because they all fit.  Newsflash, even a shut in otaku like me knows like you can’t treat the girl you supposedly care about like shit and then expect her to still like you.”  Levi glares at Mammon and then tries the doorknob again, agitated.  

The door still doesn’t open and he can’t hear any movement inside her room.

Beel looks around worriedly.  “She never locks her door.  Ever.  She always leaves it open so I can go in and get the snacks she keeps for me.  And Luke said she might be sick.”

Belphie shares his concern.  “Do you think we should have Beel break the door in?  In case she’s too sick to answer and needs help?”

For the first time since Lilith, Lucifer looks to be at a loss.  Concern for Arianthi and the urge to comfort her battles with his desire to protect her privacy.

Diavolo steps forward to pass a hand over the door and sighs.  “It wouldn’t matter if he did.  She’s warded the door against us.”

The brothers share a look of surprise.

Mammon is the first to recover his voice.  “Where would she even learn ward magic?  And why would she start using it now?”

“I taught her.”  The demons turn to look at Solomon, who has walked up behind them.  “And as to why she’s using it, I’d venture to guess that Mammon’s little attempt to shatter her self-confidence worked, and she doesn’t want to see any of you right now.”

Mammon flushes with shame.  “I didn’t mean any of it,” he mutters.

“Then you shouldn’t have said it.”  For the first time a sharp tone enters Solomon’s voice. 

“Take down the ward,” Lucifer orders him.

Solomon moves to stand in front of Arianthi’s door.  “No.”

Lucifer’s eyes gleam red, anger rising.  “You may be a powerful sorcerer Solomon, but I am one of the seven lords of the Devildom and I will rip your heart out of your chest without hesitation.  Open.  The.  Door.”

“No.”

Lucifer lunges forward, already shifting to his demon form.  

Diavolo stops him with a strong hand on his shoulder.  “I know you’re all worried, but maybe Solomon is right.  Maybe we should respect her privacy.  She’s put up the wards for a reason.”

Levi pushes forward and knocks softly on the door.  “Arianthi?  It’s me.  Can I come in?”

Silence.

“Please Arianthi?”

The demons and Solomon all hear movement behind the closed door and Arianthi’s voice whispering.  There’s a soft click and the door opens.  Arianthi’s hair has been pulled back into a messy ponytail, her make up removed.  A t-shirt that is clearly Beel’s hangs to her knees, over it she wears one of Levi’s hoodies, and a pair of Belphie’s sweats peek out beneath the over sized shirts.  She’s obviously been crying.

Something sharp and painful twists in Mammon’s chest.  I did this.  I made my human cry.  I was stupid and jealous and I fucked up. I need to make this right.  He moves quickly towards the open door, attempting to push past Levi.

“Arianthi, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean -”

Arianthi holds up a hand to cut him off.  “Just Levi.”  Her voice is soft and hoarse.  

Levi slips past Mammon and into the room.  Arianthi shuts the door behind him and whispers the incantation to once again ward the door. 

------------------------------------------------------------

Levi follows me and we both take a seat on my bed, leaning up against the headboard, shoulders touching.

“Luke said he heard you being sick.”

I sigh heavily.  

I don’t want to talk about this now.  Never talking about it would be ideal.  Forgetting this whole shit show of a night would be fantastic.  

“I was sick.  Then I took a shower and brushed my teeth.  I’m fine now.

“Did you make yourself sick on purpose?”  Levi asks softly.

I turn to face him, getting my first proper look at his face and his emerging black eye.  

“Levi!  What happened to your face?”  I reach out to touch his cheek, worried.

He gently grabs my hand and pulls it down, folding it between his two large ones.  “Don’t change the subject.”

The urge to cry comes on again, hard and fast.  “I’m sorry Levi,” I whisper.

He sighs.  “I’m not mad at you.  I just........I wish you wouldn’t feel like that’s something you have to start doing again.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again.  “It just....it’s hard.  I haven’t felt that way in a long time but then......... I just felt this panic and I thought if I could get rid of the food then I would feel better.  And if I start doing it again then I can be more like what he wants.......I could be pretty.  I could be so much more than this. I could be good enough for him.”   I gesture at my body, the tears flowing freely now.

Levi thunks his head back against the headboard of the bed in frustration.  He turns me to face him, his thumbs brushing my tears from my cheeks.  

“Hey we’ve talked about this.  Remember what you told me when Mammon was selling that picture of me?  And I was so embarrassed because I didn’t want anyone seeing that much of my body?  You told me I was perfect how I was.  I didn’t have to look like Beel or Mammon to be attractive. Fuck everyone who thought differently.  You loved me.  My brothers loved me in their own weirdly deranged ways.  You said I didn’t have to change to be like anyone else to be worthy of love and the things that made me different from my brothers were what made me sexy. And then you got Mammon to delete the picture and give me all the Grimm he made from it.”

Levi grins at me. “I think you’re the only person who has ever been able to get Mammon to willingly hand over Grimm.”

I choke back a sob.  “I remember.”

“Ok, well I’m telling you the same thing now.  Don’t go back to that.  Don’t hate yourself, don’t make yourself sick to try to control things, to change things about yourself to make someone else care about you.”  Levi gives me a little shake.

“That’s easy for you to say.  I’m just a human.  Is there some stupid rule here that all demons must be skinny and mind blowingly attractive?”  

Levi looks at me for a moment then laughs.  I join in, giggling through my tears.

“I mean what I’m saying,” Levi says as he wipes away the rest of my tears.  “We all care about you, exactly how you are.  If you start to feel like you can’t handle this and need help we can talk to Diavolo.  He can send you back to the human realm to get help from the doctors there.  I’m sure he’d let you come back after.”

I bite my lip anxiously then nod.  “I’ll tell you if I can’t get a handle on it.  If I can’t, or you think I’m slipping you can tell Diavolo.”

“Pinky promise?”

I smile, linking my pinky with his.  “Pinky promise.”

Levi sighs in relief.  “Good.  Feel a little better?” 

“Yeah.  Yeah, I think so,” I answer, leaning my shoulder against his.  “Hey Levi?”

“Mmm?”

"Thank you.”

He smiles at me.  “Anything for my Henry.”   

“Could you do me a favor?  Could you tell Diavolo I want to talk to him real quick?  I want to apologize for everything that happened tonight.”

“Yeah, sure.”

I stand up and reach over to my nightstand.  I hand Levi a jumble of things; a toothbrush, a D.D.D. charger, some t-shirts, a pair of sunglasses, a white dress shirt. 

 “Can you give these back to Mammon when you go back out there?  Please?”

Levi nods and we walk to the door together.  I take down the ward and he slips through the open door.

------------------------------------------------------------

“She wants to talk to Diavolo,” Levi tells the crowd assembled outside Arianthi’s door.  “She’s upset but she’s not sick anymore.”

A wave of shock ripples through the rest of the brothers.  Diavolo nods and quickly enters the bedroom.

“She really doesn’t want to see any of us?”  Asmo asks, hurt.

Levi looks at the ground, trying to avoid the upset gazes of his brothers.  “It’s nothing personal Asmo.  She’s just got some stuff going on right now.  Really personal stuff.  She can’t talk about it with anyone else.  She might though.  Soon.  Just don’t be mad at her for it, please?”

Asmo nods, still obviously distressed.

“Well, now that I know she’s not sick I’m going to gather up Luke and Simeon and we’ll take our leave,” Solomon says, shooting Mammon one last dirty look before he turns and walks down the hall. 

The demons all give him a half-hearted wave goodbye. 

Levi remembers the things that Arianthi gave him and quickly shoves them into Mammon’s arms.  “Here’s all your stuff that was in Arianthi’s room.  She doesn’t want it in there anymore.”

Mammon looks down at this things in horror.  There’s a stinging sensation in his eyes, and he suddenly can’t breathe.  He bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, and quickly walks to his room without a word to his brothers.   

“This is really bad.”  Beel looks around at the remaining brothers.  “We have to fix this.”  

Satan sighs softly.  “This might be something we can’t fix Beel.”

“Satan’s right.  Ultimately this is going to be between Arianthi and Mammon,” Lucifer says. “The best thing we can do is to let Arianthi know we still care about her and want her in the House of Lamentation.”

He sighs. “Let’s all go to bed.  There’s nothing else to do here tonight.  I’m sure if Diavolo thinks anything is wrong he’ll let us know before he leaves.”

The brothers all exchange worried glances before they disperse to their bedrooms.

------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey.”  Diavolo gives me a small smile as he enters my room.

“Hey.”  I return the smile and pat my bed.  “You can come sit with me if you want.”

“Do you want to put the wards back up?”

I shake my head. “No, just close the door please.”

“Are you feeling better?”  The mattress dips under Diavolo’s weight, causing me to slide closer to him.

“Yeah, just a bad moment.”

“I’m sorry Mammon said those things about you.”  Diavolo reaches out to take my hand.  I involuntarily flinch at the touch of his fingers and he jerks his hand back.  “I’m sorry, I overstepped.”

I quickly grab his hand, lacing my fingers with his.  “It’s ok Diavolo.  I’m just feeling a little off right now.”

“Are you sure?”  He looks at me with concern.  “I don’t want to make your night worse with my attention if you don’t want it.”

I press a soft kiss to his knuckles.  “I’m sure.”

A faint blush stains Diavolo’s cheeks.  “And you promise you’re feeling better?”

I grin.  He’s absolutely adorable.  

“Promise.  I have some things I need to work on, but right now I am feeling better.” 

He squeezes my hand.  “Good.”  He pauses for a moment, looking as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts, before he turns and looks earnestly into my eyes.  

“Arianthi....... I want you to know that I don’t agree with any of the things Mammon said.  And I hope that you don’t let his outburst taint your opinions of other demons...... or of me.  I meant what I said earlier tonight, about wanting to get to know you more.  I don’t want to push you, because I know that you have feelings for Mammon, but I do hope you’re still open to giving me a chance.  And I think our encounter earlier this evening proved that I’m more than slightly attracted to you, just as you are.”

His last sentence comes out in a rushed whisper, and he’s blushing heavily.

“I wouldn’t let something like that change my opinion of you Diavolo,” I respond truthfully.  “There are some feelings regarding Mammon that I need to sort through.  I really don’t know how all those are going to shake out.  I do like you, I enjoy our time together, and I think I made it obvious earlier that I’m attracted to you too.  I meant what I said earlier about getting to know you.  I’m open to see what could happen between us.”

He smiles and places a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist.  “I’m a very patient demon.  I’ll follow your lead.  Whatever you want, no pressure at all.” 

He pushes himself up from my bed.  “I should be going.  You need your rest.”  He leans down and kisses my forehead.  “Good night Arianthi.”

I reach up and stroke his cheek.  “Diavolo?’

“Hmmm?”

“Stay with me tonight?”  This might be a bad idea, but I really just want him close to me right now.  Someone who’s open about how he feels me.  Someone strong and handsome who can distract me from this fucked up night.  

I just want some comfort.  Some cuddles.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Right?

He hesitates a moment, shock and pleasure warring across his face.  “Are you sure?”

I bite my lip, hesitating a moment before holding my arms out to him.  “Cuddle me?”

“Your wish is my command, birthday girl.”  He grins at me, bending down to give a tight hug.

I stand up to feel more of him, nuzzling my head against his chest.  “Thank you.”

He rests his chin on my head.  “Anything for you,” he whispers.  

We stand that way for a minute, swaying slightly.  I feel safe in Diavolo’s arms, like nothing can ever hurt me.  

A demon, the Prince of the Devildom no less, is the one who makes me feel safer than I ever have before.  I internally roll my eyes and huff a small laugh against Diavolo’s chest. 

“Diavolo?”

“Mmm?”

“This is really nice, but can we get into bed?  I’m exhausted.”  I playfully slump against him to prove my point.

He effortlessly holds me up and chuckles.  “Yeah, we can do that.  Let me send a message to Barbatos really quickly to let him know he’s free to go home.” 

He reaches for his D.D.D. to tap out a quick message.

I pull away to shuck off my hoodie and sweats.  I look up to find Diavolo staring at me, eyes wide.  I look down at myself, wondering what the problem is. 

Beel’s t-shirt is all the way down to my knees, I’m wearing underwear.  I’m all covered up. What’s wrong?   Panic starts all over again. He hates what he sees. This is a mistake. He knows he made a mistake.

“Everything ok?”  I ask anxiously.

“Uh huh.  Yep.  All good here,” Diavolo says, swallowing nervously.

“Ok.”  I smile at him, and slide between the sheets, sinking into my mattress.  Diavolo moves to lay beside me, still fully clothed.  

I look up at him, confused.  “You’re not sleeping in your clothes are you?”

Diavolo’s ears turn red.  “I was considering it.”

I stare at him.  “Diavolo, we’re both adults here.  You can sleep in your boxers.  We’ll be ok.  If anything happens beyond cuddles it will only be because we both want it.  But neither one of us are going to sleep comfortably if you’re still wearing all your clothes.”

He lets out a nervous breath then grins down at me.  “You’re right, you’re right.”

He peels off his jacket and shirt, and I stare as his hands move to his belt buckle and he pushes down his pants.  

Holy. Fucking. Fuck.  Temptation has entered the chat.  

I thought Beel was a gorgeous specimen, but Diavolo surpasses even him.  Every inch is heavily muscled, perfectly defined. Smooth skin that I want to run my hands over. 

I want to climb this man like a tree and never come down.  Bad Arianthi.  Bad.  Quench your thirst. 

Diavolo slides under the sheets next to me and we roll onto our sides to face each other.  

He reaches out to hold one of my hands.  “I really am sorry your birthday ended on such a sour note.”

I squeeze his hand.  “It’s not your fault.  I’m sorry you had to see all that. Besides, it’s not all bad.  We’re here, getting to spend time together.”

He gives me a soft smile, and his hand moves up to gently stroke my arm.  “That’s true.”

I tense in automatic response to his touch.  He’s going to feel how fat my arms are.  He’s going to hate what he feels.

Diavolo’s hand stills immediately.  “Is this ok?”

I suck in a deep breath and nod, relaxing a little, waiting for the rational part of my brain to take over.  

He’s seen my arms before.  He already know what they look like.  He wouldn’t be here, touching me, spending time with me, if he didn’t want to.  

He resumes his gentle stroking, but remains silent.  He seems to be considering what he wants to say.

I place a hand on his bare chest and he shivers under my touch.  “Diavolo I can hear your wheels turning from here.  What’s on your mind?”

He smirks at me.  “I always forget how perceptive you are.”  He pauses for a minute, choosing his words carefully.  “I know that you have some issues with your body.”

I tense up again. 

His hand moves away from my arm, stroking the curve of my waist down to my hip.  Up and down.  His soft touch gradually helps me relax. 

 “I’m not going to push you to talk about it now.  But I hope someday you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about what you’re feeling.  Until then I have no problem telling you how gorgeous I find you.  How perfect your body is to me.  I’ll tell you every day.  Every hour.  Every minute, if that’s what it takes.”

I lay my head on his chest trying to hide my tears.  Happy tears this time.  After a couple minutes I regain my composure and look back up at him.  Warm golden eyes meet mine, and he smiles down at me.

I bite the inside of my cheek to hold back more tears and give him a small smile.  “Thanks.  You know, you’re going against every single demon stereotype right now.”

He pulls me to him, holding me tight.  He chuckles, and it rumbles deep in his chest.  “Maybe so.  But as long as I’m making you happy that’s all that matters.” 

He pulls back to stare down at me intently.  “I just ask that when you do struggle with things like that you talk to me.  I might not always be able to make things better, or even understand, but I want you to always be honest about your feelings with me.”

“I can do that.  But only if you promise to do the same thing.”  I press a soft kiss to his cheek.

“I promise.”  He moves to kiss my cheek in return, but I turn my head at the last minute, catching his lips with my own.

This kiss is soft, chaste, but he still gives a pleased gasp and tightens his grip on me.

He pulls away suddenly and looks down at me with concern.  “I want to kiss you. Really kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.”  I tilt my head up, ready for more.  

Diavolo frowns and bites his lip.  “You’ve had a rough night, and you’re upset.  I don’t want to take things further, if you’re not......”  He exhales sharply.  “I don’t want to take advantage of you if you’re not in a good head space right now.”

Mind.  Blown.  

Once again, a demon is being more considerate than the majority of humans I’ve dated.  He deserves to have the same consideration from me. 

“I promise you Diavolo, you won’t be taking advantage of me.  I want this.  I want you.  But if you don’t feel comfortable then I won’t push it and we’ll just cuddle and talk.  Or you can leave if you don’t feel ok about that anymore.  I won’t be mad.  I want you to be comfortable too.”

“I am more than comfortable with this as long as you are.”  Diavolo moves in to kiss me again but I press a finger to his lips, stopping him.  

“I just want to make sure that I’m being totally transparent with you.  I like you, and I do want you.  I still want to keep getting to know you.  But whatever happens between us tonight I can’t make you any promises that it will lead to anything permanent.  If you don’t feel ok doing anything more physical than kissing without a being in a relationship, then I totally understand.”  I hold my breath, waiting for his response.

He stays silent for a bit, mulling over what I’ve told him.  “I appreciate your honesty.  We’ve already decided that we want to keep learning about each other and spending more time together.  Sex won’t change what I want, and I won’t ever push you for more than you’re comfortable with.  Physically or emotionally.”

Whew.  “Same page then?”

“Same page.  Can I please kiss you now?” 

I giggle and nod, and he surges forward, pressing his lips against mine.  I sigh into the kiss, pleasure lighting up every nerve ending.  Diavolo licks along my lower lip.  

“Open your mouth,” he growls.

I instantly obey and brush my tongue against his.  He pulls me tight against him, his tongue soft against mine, expertly teasing me, gentle and exploring.  I wriggle against him, desperate for more contact.  He grips my hips and rolls onto his back, pulling me on top of him, his mouth never breaking contact with mine.

His hands tug at the hem of my shirt, asking permission.  I move up to my knees and pull it over my head, tossing it carelessly onto the floor.  

“Fuck.”  

Diavolo pulls me further up his body and turns his attention to my breasts.  He draws one nipple into his mouth, sucking hard and flicking it with his tongue.  His hand moves up to cup my other breast, gently stroking and squeezing, before his large fingers start pinching and tugging my nipple, bringing it to a stiff peak.  He cups me again, his large palm overstimulating my already sensitive breast.

I card my hands through his hair, tugging slightly and giving a small moan.  Diavolo releases my nipple from his mouth with a small pop! and gives me a wicked grin.  His hands stroke down my back and move to squeeze my ass.  He mouths my neck, teeth nipping against the tender skin.  

“Mmmmm.  So quiet.  Clearly I need to do better.  I need you moaning my name.  Telling me how good I make you feel.  Don’t hold back beautiful.  Let me hear you,” he murmurs.

He sucks hard on a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, then soothes it with a soft swipe of his tongue.

“Diavolo!”  I shudder against him and he takes the opportunity to lavish more attention on my breasts, kissing and licking, making me squirm above him.

“Mmmm, that’s more like it.”  His deep voice sends pleasant vibrations against my skin as he continues to use his mouth on me. 

I pull back and look down at him.  He’s flushed, breathing quickly, his eyes heavy lidded with desire.  “My turn.”

I lightly kiss his lips, moving down his neck slowly.  I press sensuous kisses to his chest, licking one of his nipples while I gently scrape the other with my fingernail.  

“Yes,” he hisses between clenched teeth, arching beneath me.

I grin against his chest, slowly moving down his body.  I scrape my teeth along his abs and give him a soft bite.  One large hand moves down to softly tangle in my hair.  I stop my kisses at the waistband of his boxers.  His erection strains against the fabric, but I’m not going any further without his express permission.

I look up at him through my lashes and give a small tug on his boxers.  “Are you ok with this?”

His hand tightens in my hair.  “Don’t you dare stop now.”

“Perfect.” 

I give his stomach one last kiss and palm him through thin fabric.  His hips arch up and he ruts against my hand, the front of his boxers already wet with pre-cum. 

I pull his boxers down, slowly freeing his erection.  He lifts his hips, speeding the process along.  I quickly toss away his discarded boxers, and reach out to stroke him.  

He’s huge.  

I suddenly have doubts about how he’s going to fit in my.......well anything really.  Then Diavolo moans my name and everything else disappears.

I continue to stroke him, relishing the velvet feel of his skin against my hand.  I lower my head to give him kitten licks, slowly swiping my tongue against the head of his cock and his slit, lapping up his pre-cum. 

“Fuck.”  Diavolo fists his hands into my hair.  “More.  Please.”

It’s a heady feeling, having the prince of the Devildom beneath me and begging for my mouth.  I wrap my lips around the head of his cock and begin sucking, continuing to stroke his shaft, my hand moving in rhythm with my mouth. 

Diavolo tries to keep his hips still, but he can’t help thrusting up into my mouth, greedy for more contact.  I gag, my eyes tearing up, but I continue on, his pleasure the only thing on my mind.  I eventually remove my hand, my mouth bobbing up and down on his cock.  It’s a messy, sloppy blow job, but from his groans of pleasure I don’t think he minds. 

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop,” Diavolo breathes, those words somewhere between a plea and a prayer. 

I reach between his legs to cup his balls, my mouth still wrapped around his thick cock.  His hips buck, his back arching off the bed, and I can feel the muscles in his thighs tighten.  He tugs on my hair, pulling me off of him, and I release his cock reluctantly.

“Something wrong?” I ask with a grin, wiping the back of my hand across my mouth.

“If you keep doing that I’m going to cum.”  Diavolo’s chest is heaving and he grips my wrists tightly.

I arch an eyebrow at him.  “And that’s bad because.......?”

He growls and yanks me up his body.  “Because I need to taste you.  Now.  And when I cum I’m going to cum inside you.  I want to see your face when I mark you as mine for the first time.”

He keeps pulling me up until my thighs are resting on either side of his head.  He presses a kiss to my inner thigh.  “Hold on to the headboard.”

“Wha-? Oh god!”  I lose my train of thought as Diavolo gives a sharp bite to the inside of my thigh.  He turns his head and brushes kisses along the other.

He brings a finger up and slowly circles my clit.  

“So pretty,” he mumbles.  “And so wet.  Just for me.”  

He lazily swipes his finger through my folds, up and down, before returning to press on my clit.

I grip the headboard, panting.  “Diavolo..... no teasing.”

He presses one finger into me, stretching me. He strokes slowly, giving me time to adjust to his size.

I whimper and attempt to move my hips.  One large hand grabs my thigh, holding me still.  Diavolo adds a second finger, stroking in and out, working me into a frenzy.

My grip on the headboard tightens.  “Your mouth, use your mouth.  Please,” I beg.

Diavolo continues his maddeningly slow pace, pressing his thumb against my clit for further stimulation.  

“I can’t hear you princess.  Be a little louder for me.  Use your words.”  He blows a breath of cool air against my heated core and I shiver, tightening around his fingers.

“Diavolo please!  I need your mouth on me.  Please!”  I’m no longer worried about keeping quiet.  The whole House of Lamentation could hear me for all I care.  My one need is to feel Diavolo’s mouth on my pussy.  NOW.

He laughs and gives my thigh one last kiss.  “Good girl.”  He slowly and deliberately swipes his tongue against my clit. 

“Fuck!” 

He removes his fingers and presses an open mouth kiss against me, his tongue stroking through my folds.  “You taste even better than I imagined you would.

My hips buck.  “More,” I mewl helplessly.

Diavolo’s hands grab my hips roughly and he plunges his tongue inside me.  I scream, overwhelmed by the sensation.  He keeps a firm grip on me, never allowing me to move away.  He begins using his hands to guide my hips in an up and down rhythm, his tongue thrusting in and out.

He’s making me fuck his face.

Everything begins to fade around me.  Nothing matters but the sensation of Diavolo’s tongue between my thighs.

“Diavolo..........Diavolo I’m going to cum.  I’m going to cum.”  I’m a whimpering mess, unable to do anything but hold tight to the headboard and let pleasure sweep me away. 

He removes his mouth from me long enough to say, “Then cum for me Arianthi.  I need you on my tongue.”  

His presses a finger against my clit, circling it roughly while he resumes fucking me with his tongue.  Tension gathers in my core, tighter and tighter until it finally snaps.

“Diavolo!”  I scream, shuddering against him.  My vision flashes white as my orgasm takes over.  He continues to stroke and lick me through my release, lapping up everything I give him.

I’m trembling when he eases me off of him and lays me back on the mattress.  He rolls over on top of me, grinning and looking pleased with himself.

He brings his mouth to mine and gives me a deep kiss.  I can taste myself on his tongue, and I moan into the kiss, greedy for more of whatever he wants to give me.  

“Good?” he whispers against my lips.

“Try amazing,” I whisper back, lacing my hands behind his neck and bringing him down for another kiss. 

He breaks the kiss and laughs, moving to settle his hips between my thighs.  He reaches between us to stroke his cock a few times, using the head to tease my already overstimulated clit.

He looks up and meets my eyes.  “Is this ok?  Do you still want this?”

I nod and tilt my hips up to meet his.  “I want this.”

He slowly pushes the head of his cock into my pussy.  I tense slightly and he stops.

He’s so big.  How is he this big?  Are all demons this big?  Goddamn Diavolo you could split a girl in half.

Diavolo presses a soft kiss to my lips.  “Relax baby.  I won’t hurt you. I’ll be so gentle with you.”

My body melts into his, soothed by his sweet words.  He continues pressing into me, inch by excruciatingly pleasurable inch.

“You’re so beautiful Arianthi. And so wet for me.  Such a tight fit baby.  Like you were made just for me. Fuuuuuuuuck...... I love the way you feel.”  Diavolo murmurs against my neck, kissing and nuzzling me between endearments.  

He lets out a beautifully obscene moan once he’s fully sheathed, and gives me time to adjust to his size.  I’m panting, already overwhelmed by the feel of him.

“Are you ok if I move?”

“Fuck yes,” I whisper, rocking my hips against his.

He pulls out, only to thrust back in slowly, drawing out every ounce of pleasure he can.  I throw my head back against my pillows and close my eyes, reveling in sensations.  His cock inside me, his lips on my neck, the feel of his hair between my fingers, the weight of his body pressing me down into the mattress.

Diavolo continues to slowly thrust, building our mutual ecstasy. I feel his mouth against my ear.  

“Look at me,” he orders, nipping at my earlobe.

I gasp and focus my eyes on his face.

“I want your eyes on me princess.”  He snaps his hips against mine, increasing his pace.  “I want you looking at me when you cum, knowing it’s me that made you feel this way.  I don’t want you thinking about Mammon.  I want all your attention on me and how good I make you feel.”

“Yes,” I whimper, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“What’s that baby?”  Diavolo thrusts into me hard, leaving me gasping for breath.

“Only you Diavolo.  Only you,”  I cry out.

He gives me a feral grin.  “Good girl.”

He deepens his thrusts, grinding against me every time our hips meet.  He holds himself up on one forearm, bringing his other hand between us, fingers sliding down my stomach to rub against my clit.

I scream his name, fingertips digging into his shoulders.  I’m coming undone, quickly.  Diavolo feels me tensing beneath him and kisses me, tongue entering my mouth and mimicking the movements of his cock.

I break away, gasping for air.  “Diavolo I’m going to -”

“Me too.”  He’s breathless, chasing his own orgasm.  He rests his forehead against mine.  “Please look at me.  I need to see you.”

I open my eyes and he looks down at me, eyes glazed with lust.  His hips stutter and his thrusts become sloppy.  He pushes into me one last time, and I feel the warmth of his release as he cums, moaning my name.  The sensation of his cock twitching inside me sends me over the edge, and I bury my face into his neck as my pussy clenches around his cock. 

We’re both breathing hard when I pull back to look at him, and he leans down to repeatedly press soft kisses to my lips.  He stays inside me as we kiss and hold each other for a few minutes, reluctant to separate. 

“Are you ok?”  Diavolo whispers, nose nuzzling my cheek.

“That was ........ I can’t....wow....you’re amazing,” I answer, giggling as his nose tickles me.  “Are you ok?”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this happy.”  He smiles down at me, giving me one last kiss before he pulls out and stretches out beside me. He curls into the position of big spoon and pulls me tight against his chest, one arm wrapping around me protectively.  

He kisses the back of my neck, and pulls the blankets over us.  “I think we’ve earned a little rest.”  

I nestle back into the warmth of his chest and relax, listening as Diavolo’s breathing becomes slow and even.  I close my eyes, settling into the comfort of his body against mine when a sudden noise makes my eyes fly open.

I scan my bedroom before my gaze settles on my door, cracked open, light from the hallway spilling into my room.  My eyes fly up and land on the pale face staring at me from the doorway.

Oh, fuck. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mammon wanders the hallways of the House of Lamentation, miserable over the way things had happened at Arianthi’s party.  He can’t sleep, sick to his stomach that he had let his jealousy and pride hurt the person that he cared about the most.

I gotta find a way to make this up to her, to show her I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it.  It was so stupid.  All I need is a chance to apologize and I’ll promise to never do it again. I just need to get her to listen to me for five minutes so I can give her the birthday present I got her and tell her how I really feel.

A cry catches his attention and he follows the sound to investigate.  He ends up in front of Arianthi’s door.  It’s barely cracked open and he can hear whimpers coming from inside her room.  Worried that she may be sick again he softly pushes the door open a little wider.  What he sees makes vomit rise in his throat and tears spill down his cheeks. 

Diavolo is on top of Arianthi, thrusting his cock into her slowly and whispering things Mammon can’t hear.  What he can hear is Arianthi moaning in pleasure as she writhes beneath Diavolo, bucking her hips up to meet his every thrust.  He watches in horror as they cry out in pleasure together, then gently kiss and whisper to each other as they come down from their shared high. 

What did I do?  Did I fuck up this badly?  Or has this been going on right under my nose the whole time?  No, no, Arianthi’s not like that.  I did this.  I pushed her away every time she started to get close. This happened because I fucked up.  I didn’t treat her right, I didn’t let her know I cared.  This is on me.

Mammon roughly wipes the tears from his cheeks as he watches Diavolo wrap himself around Arianthi and they settle in to sleep.  He can hear Arianthi’s sigh of contentment as she cuddles back into Diavolo.

He stares at them a moment longer, something deep and ugly taking root in his chest.  Rage, jealousy, pain, love, and regret war inside him, each begging to be released.  

That should be me. She’s MY human. MY girl. I’m her FIRST man. That should be ME.

Mammon’s breath catches as Arianthi’s eyes snap open and focus on him.  He looks at the person he loves above all others, tears falling openly down his face, as she gazes back at him in shock from the comfort of another demon’s arms. 

#obey me #obey me! shall we date #obey me sinful indulgence #obey me mammon #obey me asmodeus #obey me! #obey me shall we date #otome game #otome games #otome romance #obey me fanfic #obey me fandom #obey me solomon #obey me satan #obey me diavolo #diavolo x mc #diavolo x reader #lord diavolo #diavolo smut #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #obey me leviathan #obey me lemon #obey me levi #obey me belphegor #obey me belphie #truth or dare #obey me asmo #obey me lucifer #obey me luci

[justalitlecreacher]

Ok as much as I hate the events of the Rako Hardeen arc in Clone Wars and deeply wish that the council/Obi-Wan had at the very least told Anakin and Ahsoka what they were planning, I feel like the arc represents a very important turning point in Anakin’s fall and actually shows an important bit of character growth from Attack of the Clones.

Tl;Dr: The Rako Hardeen arc is my favorite and least favorite arc in all of Clone Wars because while it puts Anakin through unnecessary pain it also gives a lot of insight into why he may have fallen in Revenge of the Sith and shows some important character growth

Ok; the most important part of this post/analysis (I think) is to remember how close Anakin and Obi-Wan are. Anakin was placed in Obi-Wan’s care at the age of 9 and from then on Obi-Wan practically raised him. In Attack of the Clones we see Anakin refer to Obi-Wan as the closest thing he has to a father not once, but twice, and one of those two times was directly to Obi-Wan.”OBI-WAN:  Why do I think you are going to be the death of me?! ANAKIN:  Don't say that Master... You're the closest thing I have to a father... I love you. I don't want to cause you pain.”(Attack of the Clones) and later to Padmé “...He's [Obi-Wan] like my father,...”. This is especially important because when Anakin leaves his mother to become a Jedi in The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan is literally the only friendly/familiar face in the Temple. Plus in the comics (disclaimer: I have not read all the comics just bits and pieces) we get a glimpse of Anakin training with the other padawans and it’s made clear that at least some of them don’t like Anakin at all. One padawan even refers to him as “just a slave” when shit talking him during training.(which like super fucked up; they def should’ve gotten in trouble cause that don’t seem very Jedi of them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Anyway; we’ve established Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond. So let’s turn our attention towards someone who deserved so much better; Shmi Skywalker. Her death in Attack of the Clones was the first major turning point in Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. There is really no excuse for Anakin’s actions after Shmi’s death; he goes to a very dark place, and likely taps into the dark side of the force during the massacre of the Tusken Raiders. But that’s not what we’re talking about rn so back on track.

I bring Shmi’s death up to say that while Anakin was tracking down Obi-Wan’s “murderer” I didn’t fully realize that Obi-Wan had disguised himself as Hardeen and I was genuinely worried that Anakin was about to unalive an innocent man. I really believe that the only thing that stopped Anakin from trying (and maybe succeeding) to kill Obi/Rako was like he said: he knew that Obi-Wan wouldn’t have wanted him to. This is important because the last time Anakin lost a family member he brutally murdered an entire village of Tusken Raiders, children included, and I think it’s safe to say that Shmi “the biggest problem in the universe is nobody helps each other” Skywalker would not have wanted that. I’ve finally arrived at one of my main points; this arc shows a crucial bit of character growth by showing an Anakin that is capable of thinking his actions through and not just reacting out of anger even after the loss of one of the most important people in his life; something he was previously shown incapable of when his anger and grief blind him. This turns this arc into an sort of midway point on Anakin’s fall; he’s clearly tempted to give into his anger and pain again, but he is able to resist this time. A younger Anakin may have killed “Hardeen” then and there. 

This scene really contrasts with Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith in a way im not sure how i feel about yet. On one hand it has potential to make Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith feel too out of character. We just saw Anakin able to see past his own emotions in the wake of the death of a loved one so what makes this different? On the other hand this arc can be used to show just how desperate Anakin is to not have to feel that way ever again. It’s also good for showing how much influence Palpatine has had on Anakin in the space between this arc and Revenge of the Sith. As for why Anakin may be unable to think past his own feelings in Revenge of the Sith when he appeared perfectly capable in the arc, a likely reason is that there really wasn't anything Anakin thought he could do for Obi-Wan anymore because he believed him to be dead, but with Padmé, Anakin knew she could be saved if he could just get her the proper care. But his fear of being exiled from the Jedi Order, and his increasing lack of faith in the council led him to believe that he had no choice other than to trust in Palpatine. And no hate to Yoda but im sure when Anakin did try to reach out (even as vaguely as he did) Yoda’s response of “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” didn't appear to be very helpful (especially considering that he is well aware that listening to Ahsoka’s visions and responding appropriately saved Padmé’s life (not sure if Anakin knows about that though)). These three episodes show pretty well how/why Anakin may have felt that he had nowhere to turn but Palpatine.

These groups of episodes actually show negative character growth (is that the right term?) in Anakin. He goes from commiting mass murder rated E for everyone to understanding that his loved ones would not want him to seek revenge in this way, but then he backslides into this lightsaber is rated E for everyone by Revenge of the Sith. Logically he should know that Padmé would never have wanted him to do what he did; he has to know what he’s doing is wrong, but he’s incapable of seeing another way out because he cannot handle even the thought of losing Padmé. He’s too desperate to not lose her, and so sure that there’s no other option that he manages to convince himself that he needs to do this for her. I find this entire arc really interesting but unless i want to be here all day the most i can do here is point out that it exists and that it peaks in the Rako Hardeen arc. Surprisingly i do have a life outside of writing long posts, and i lack the time and energy to analyze all of Clone Wars and write about every event that led to Darth Vader (there are so many). On top of that i actually haven’t seen all of Clone Wars; just the episodes most important to understanding Anakin’s fall.

Onto my next point, we just talked about the growth Anakin showed in this episode; now onto why i believe that this arc was instrumental in Anakin’s fall. (Disclaimer: I do not think that removing this arc alone could have saved Anakin, but i do believe it would have helped a good bit). I’ve already touched on Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond so im not gonna do that again. 

Ive said it before and i will say it again; it was super fucked up of Obi-Wan and everyone else on the Council to use Anakin’s (and Ahsoka’s) reactions Obi-Wan’s “death” for their own gain. It was super manipulative and they absolutely knew what they were doing.  Obi-Wan even explicitly says, “Keeping Anakin on the outside was critical. Everyone knows how close we are. It was his reaction that sold the sniper. I'm sure of it.”(Deception season 2 episode 15). He knows just how devastated Anakin would be by his death, and he uses like Anakin and his mental and emotional well-being mean nothing to him (I know this isn’t true but its probably not hard to believe that someone doesn't care about your feelings when they’ve just tricked you into thinking they’ve died for their own gain). The Council really proves time and time again that they do not care about Anakin’s (or maybe anyone’s; Anakin was far from the only one close to Obi-Wan left unaware of his deception) mental or emotional wellbeing, but tbh i think this is the worst example of how callous the Council can be. And on top of all of that it was Obi-Wan who decided to keep Anakin in the dark Obi-Wan who should have known better; if we assume that Anakin is at least 20 in Clone Wars; Obi-Wan has known Anakin for at least 10 years, and has practically raised him from the age of 9, and yet somehow, somehow he had this idea and didn't see a single thing wrong with it. (And they really picked the worst possible person for this; like yea let’s trick the most unstable Jedi we have into thinking his closest friend/ father figure was murdered)

This arc’s main purpose (IMO) is to really show the beginnings of Anakin losing faith in the Jedi and putting more and more faith in Palpatine. Anakin trusted Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan betrayed that trust. Beyond that Palpatine is able to make Anakin begin to doubt how much the Council is telling him if they didnt tell him something as crucial as this. We even see Anakin parroting Palpatine’s “concerns” of the council not telling Anakin the full truth the Obi-Wan and the end of the arc. This arc is instrumental is establishing Anakin’s loss of faith in the council and shows how much he trusts Palpatine and sees him as a real friend.

Anyway I’m sure I had more I wanted to touch onand if I remember I will definitely edit this post but for the now I just wanna say. A) I love Obi-Wan a lot; this arc just really was not it. I do not understand how he thought this was in any way acceptable but I do still really like him. B) i fully understand that Anakin’s actions are his own and he does take a share of the blame for his own fall.

#what am i doing? #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #rako hardeen #star wars #clone wars #deception arc #clone wars deception #long post #ramble #im so sorry except im not #i hesitate to use the word hyperfixation but not a day has gone by that i havent thougt of Anakin Skywalker at least once #in so long #i have a problem

[unearthcd]

kristine froseth, cis woman + she/her | you know august james pettersen, right? they’re 25, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, eighteen years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to all these things i’ve done by the killers like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole handwritten notes, messy ponytails, spontaneous midnight excursions thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is january 1, so they’re a capricorn, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( tessa, 24, pst, she/her )

hey, babes! i’m tessa (24, pst, she/her) and i’ve been rp’ing on this blue website for way too many years. i’m stuck in this wonderful gossamer and wouldn’t have it any other way. anyway, below is august’s bio—she’s a newish muse, so i’m running with the vibe (for lack of a better word) and we’ll see how this goes! always feel free to message me to plot or chat here or on discord (swamp rabbit#1745). okay, let’s do the damn thing!

name: august james pettersen nicknames: aj, aug, a, james, etc. age, birth date: 25; january 1, 1996 hometown: irving, north carolina occupation: model sexuality: pansexual

growing up in irving

august james petterson is the daughter and only child of jameson and erik petterson. she’s the product of surrogacy, the men having sought out and found a lovely woman to help them have a child back in massachusetts where they previously lived. the hoops they went through to have their daughter and both legally be considered her parents were plenty, but with successful careers in architecture and publishing (think founder and editor and chief of something architectural digest-esque) they were able to commit the time and money to make it happen.

not a year after her birth, the three of them relocated to irving, north carolina to be with two of her grandparents whose health was rapidly deteriorating. having packed up their things and taken the short flight, they piled into the elderly couple’s sprawling home on aquila drive. ah, old money. sadly, they’d end up passing a few short years later, just before august started school. the family inherited great wealth and was left the house.

always a fairly quiet kid, august wasn’t the most social student in school. in fact, she spent much of her time with a small group of friends and, after branching out a small bit in high school, in the theatre department. long story short, she wasn’t a very popular person. in fact, with her apparent wealth and quiet demeanor, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was considered aloof, stuck up, or strange by her peers (but i’ll leave that UTY if they attended school together!). in earnest, she was just an observer and never enjoyed talking just to make noise. she liked having an intimate group and just doing what she enjoyed.

at the same time, the lack of a bursting social life and hijinks à la grease and clueless fed her early onset senioritis. she dreamed of and planned for getting out of irving. and when the time for college came, she did!

leaving home

we’d like to congratulate the senior class of 2014! that fall august moved to—drumroll please—new york city for college. what can i say, she’s an east coast babe. she got into NYU and studied english, thinking maybe she’d get into publishing down the line, because she’d always loved reading. truth be told, she wasn’t married to the idea. in fact, she wasn’t married to her education in the slightest. she’d chosen NYU purely based on location and, honestly, who can blame her (’:

her sophomore year of university one of her friends got it in her head to attend a modeling agency open call and, not wanting to go alone, convinced august to go along. while they weren’t interested in the friend, they did take an interest in her. and you know what? it made her feel special and wanted and admired. so she went with it and, with practice, became pretty damn good. her jobs, however, started interfering with her studies. so, without much convincing, she dropped out of school. she was making enough money to rent an apartment with a couple roommates in the village and made modeling her full-time gig. over the next few years her career began to take off a bit, with clients like for love & lemons and victoria’s secret pink (bc we have the real content, so why not use it?). probably a beauty campaign here and there. you know, commercial work etc. etc.

cue “dorothea,” you'rе a queen sellin' dreams, sellin' makeup and magazines

quiet, small town girl is on her way to making it big! whoo! right? well, there came a point where she became a total workhorse. august wanted to please—she wanted to find her place, her people—and, convinced this was it, she did everything in her power to keep moving up. she was a stray cat, she was looking to be taken in by anyone, praised and cared for for anything.

but that isn’t sustainable, and after a while she cracked a bit. ended up letting off steam by partying with so-called friends, picked up a small smoking habit she’s since been trying to kick since. befriended a band at some point (shout out to beau) and groupied the east coast leg of their tour for a couple weeks, because the front man asked and was charming and looked at her like she was exceptional. then the magic faded and she left to go back to her little apartment and next booked job. really, she was just going where she felt people wanted her and everyone kept telling her it was great! everything’s fine!

coming back // present

she realized after that that she’d fallen into this entire thing and, while she was grateful for much of it, she had to wonder if she even liked it. it really hit her one day smack in the middle of a job. that evening she went home, once again packed up her things, and flew home. a special kind of subtle chaos. a not-at-all-adventurous eat, pray, love.

i want to say her agents aren’t the worst people in the world and, while angered by her abrupt departure, realized she needed a break. like, a month-long visit home. it was the holidays and her birthday, after all! lol, oh, no. bets on when they start calling her like, ‘hey, where the hell are you, what’s the deal’?

now, after dropping out of school and putting her career on pause (?), she’s back living with her parents, probably looking at her savings account and wondering if she has enough $$$$ to rent an apartment or room [potential connection idea?] until she decides wtf she’s doing. she’s stuck between feeling like she’s backsliding and feeling like she needs to take the time to figure out what she wants.

personality // fun facts

+ lively, spontaneous, passionate, humorous (or so she likes to think)

- lost, impulsive, insecure in many ways

tiktoks for the vibe: 1, 2, 3

being an adult is a scam

*calls u dude and babe in the same sentence*

she wasn’t bored, she was just restless between adventures

the first person to laugh at herself.

let’s-screw-around-and-talk-about-nothing-for-hours-until-it-inevitably-turns-into-something-deep.

“i always feel like, when i meet people, they have a bigger impact on me than i maybe do on them.”

very honest. the girl isn’t messing around (unless she totally is)!! will ask you out as soon as the thought occurs to her, like, “hey, uh, we should go out sometime. (:” :slight_smile:

very, very dreamy, but head not empty, head filled with the same bit of film dialogue on repeat over and over for, like, a week. head still processing the end of a book she finished two weeks ago. head making up prose about the faint freckles on the bridge of your nose and the way your hand’s moving about.

big music person, be it modern, classical, live, vinyl. attaches a lot of emotions and memories to songs. 98% chance you’ll find her at the nearest bar hosting live music, right up front.

her penmanship is beautiful, thanks to a love of the written word. she’d rather stick a post-it note on your door than shoot you a text. loves letters, postcards, etc.

does want to whisk you away on fun, spontaneous adventures, but will go by herself if for whatever reason you’re not available or up for it.

#did i proofread this? no #irvingintro

[myblog37]

Why I don’t believe in God

Epilogue

Life happens.  Coronavirus happens.  Loss of substance and things happen.  And we hold onto hope like it’s there- we give our 10%, we go to church, we make friends only in the Christian community, we save sex for marriage, we believe in a future partner, and we trust our leadership.  Then what happens when it all falls down?  The 10% you gave to avoid paying bills doesn’t do nothing but take your money- and then your account is overdrawn $300 by bills you didn’t even authorize.  No one greets you at church unless you look churchy and aren’t covered from head to toe in tattoos and wear articles of clothing that show everything.  The friends you made only love you when you’re Christian and if you make a mistake- be it cussing, cigarettes, drinking, or drugs they will judge you, tell you you’re in sin, that you’ve broken the law and God called on them to do it.  They will always point out your sins, judge you, and say God sent them.  

               The Christian friends you made turn their back on you as soon as you’re going through something but you are constantly encouraging and helping them.  As soon as you backslide, they will be the ones to say something and judge you.  So you are helping them but when are they ever helping you?  Real friends are hard to find but if all a Christian does is judge you for your cussing, what’s the point?  You save sex for marriage until you’re 40 years old, being celibate and all you’ve been able to find are men in the church who use you for sex or try to get sex out of you.

               The leadership you need won’t hold you accountable or mentor you, but they’re quick to judge and point out your flaws.  And that’s all they do.  As I said, they’re there when you jack up, but when you’re doing right, they say nothing.  As you can probably tell, all of this is a recipe to blow your brains out and that’s itzactly what I did six months ago.

               I took my father’s gun from out of his house, a rifle, and I proceeded to point it to my head and pull the trigger.  I was tired of life, I was getting no encouragement, my husband left me and I was being told by all Christians that if I ever got with someone else, they would leave me because look at my track record. Funny because these were people that I did not even know, and when I reached out for help after my suicide attempt, there was no one to say anything.

               No matter how friendly I was, kind, and caring, no matter how I poured into the Christian community, I received no help, no encouragement, no mentorship, no position in ministry- just a bunch of negative people saying negative things and they will continue to say negative things when they read this book yet when I blow my brains out where are they?

               My father who is a pastor yelled at me profusely while I was in the hospital after TRYING to shoot myself saying if you don’t like being in there, you shouldn’t have done what you did.  All the while I was being kept from calling my family or calling anybody, sleeping on a bed with no sheets sometimes the floor, being denied food, and other horrible and abusive withholding patterns.  I could tell you about my life but you wouldn’t be able to handle it.  

               My mother was the only one left praying for me to her God who I gave a simple $300 to while I had $1000 in the bank and I found my checking account overdrawn the next day by bills, fraud, fakers, pretenders for money that I did not owe and should not have had to pay.  Where did my money go, you onstar account was deactived from lack of payment, yet I just had $1000 in the bank where did it go?  And you’re saying you overspent your money, you dumbass.  But what happened was (and this is the honest to God truth), I got frauded $300 that I did not owe, bills I said I did not authorize and could not pay right now, the TITHE was over $200, I was charged 5 times for a Legal Shield membership when I should’ve only been charged one time if that because I cancelled it, and I stayed in a motel for 1 night, yet was charged 4 times for it.  No matter how hard I went to the banks, I could not get rid of these transactions.

               All this while I HAD FAITH and confessed and prayed and believed for hours and days that GOD was going to somehow work it out and mysteriously bless my finances by putting money in the bank and I don’t know where it come from.  NUTS. Christians are absolutely nuts. We believe in this principle- if you just give 10%, God will pay all your bills.  If you save sex for marriage, you will never get hurt.  If you would just stop sinning, you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in.  So does that mean we go our entire lives without having sex?  All the way up to 40, maybe 50?  Yet if you enjoy sex, you’re in sin.  If you don’t wait till marriage or do it with 1 person, you’re going to have your heart broke.  But heartbreak is non-discriminatory, it happens to everyone whether you wait or not.

               I’m writing this book because I believe I can help others to escape the LIES and live their life in peace, harmony, freedom, and most of all BLESSED.  If God’s going to take your money anyway, there’s no point.  If you hang out with a guy friend from church, and he tell you you have 3 holes you ought to use them and we’ve got to work on having a 3 some, there’s no point.  If people in the church don’t even bother to encourage you when you reach out for help after trying to kill yourself, there’s no point.  If friends are only there to be “friends” to tell you you’re messing up you’re in sin when you’re messing up and in sin, there’s no point.

               There’s must be encouragement, love, support, and friendship out there right?  There must be a decent man out there right?  I’m telling you, not only is there no God, there is no hope.  There’s no hope if you don’t work a job and MAKE money happen yourself, there is no hope.  There is no hope if you truly believe this guy you saved yourself and waited your whole life for is going to make a difference, be a good man to you, and never hurt you.  There is no hope if you believe women who’ve had abortions are going to hell.  No hope if you only make friends with people who don’t really care and aren’t really there for you.

               The hope, the trust that you have, is in yourself. You must believe in your capabilities to do things because no one is going to do it for you.  You must stop hating and condemning yourself because you’re imperfect and have flaws.  Most of all, you should stop being friends with the wrong people

               This book is meant to help, encourage, and transform you into that person that can do things on their own and makes things happen. This is not for the Christian broke ass poor still believing God’s gonna come through.  It is not for people free of sin, doing everything right.  It is not for people that are going to judge me and say horrible things simply because I’m writing what I’m writing now. You’ll find there is more support, more love out there than with Christians and you’ll find that support and love does not come from Christians.  The best thing you can do in life is love yourself and also be friends with people who will not judge.

               I realize this book will get a lot of hatred and criticism from the Christian community.  Bring it on.

 CHAPTER ONE

               As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of a suicide attempt I made months ago with my father’s gun.  I don’t blame my father.  He was hurt so much and he was just hurting me because that’s all he’d been given.  But I thought surely if I do this, my family will finally love me and we’ll be a family again.  Wrong. It got worse.  It got worse because the way to get my family to love me is to sow love into them until I get it back and reap a harvest of blessing.

               My father quit talking to me afterwards. Why?  Because it hurt them so much to see their baby girl going through so much and it doesn’t end and she’s still going through things.  What did they do wrong?  What could they do?  These were the thoughts going through their heads and they became angry.

               A normal, human reaction.  Yet if you believe in a God that doesn’t exist, you’re angry at God because they’re not giving you the love you deserve. Unrealistic expectation.  People criticized my father for not loving and helping me more, but he was just being human.  People tried to get me to turn my back on my father and mother.  I never did.

               Yet if you go to church, you’ll feel like you’re not getting something you missed out on.  And you will get angry.  Let’s try to think rationally and sensibly about this.  Maybe your family is mad at you and put you out BECAUSE THEY CARE SO MUCH and want you to get it together.  Maybe your husband does love you, but you’re thinking about him all wrong.  We’ve got to change weird ideas and thoughts to believe that it is OURSELVES giving us this life and it OURSELVES giving us all we’ve been given.  I hope this book helps you because it helped me.

               There’s no God.  There’s no devil.  IT IS US. When you reach out for help and can’t find it, call me because that day will come.  THIS IS meant to give others hope.  I want to help you.  And that’s why I’m writing this book.  No one is perfect.  We all have flaws and emotions.  That’s called being human.  So if they are not being a friend DELETE them, a logical mental explanation.

               Not everything is spiritual or the devil, if it were we’d all be dead.  IT’S US. What are you giving yourself?  Are you giving yourself love?  Are you loving others in a relationship?  Are you with someone who genuinely loves you and living a good life?  Most of all, are you working, going to school, making money happen?  THIS is how to live a good life and give a good life to yourself, not this nutty God business that says everything is spiritual.

               For some reason, when I pulled that trigger, the gun did not go off.  I was still alive and it was the most miserable feeling that I had to live life on this earth and stay alive.  Why?  I believed in God.  When I was 15 years old, I asked God to put me through the trials of Job and then bless me with the blessings of Job when I asked for it and had had enough later.  Well, according to my mental mind, I went through these trials up to the age of 37 and no matter how much I begged, pleaded, cried, got prayer, fasted, worshipped, believed, prayed I NEVER GOT THE BLESSINGS just kept going through these trials.  That was when I realized I’M NUTTY.

               Everything bad in life that was happening was happening “because I’m a Job” and there was no end, no let up to my pain in life, the loss, the bad things happening to me.  Why? I WAS MAKING IT HAPPEN MYSELF.  My belief that I was meant to go through nothing but bad things came from Christianity.  God wants you to suffer.  That’s life.  It’s just not time yet for you to be blessed.

               I believed the same about a mate.  Even up to the age of 37, I was mostly celibate because I did not want to use anybody or have anybody us me, yet everyone uses each other, married or not.  I waited and waited but the man of my dreams never came and the praying did not end. That’s when I realized.  I’M NUTS.  I could be making this happen on my own, making life be good to me, and FINDING myself the man of my dreams instead of believing in a God that is magically going to do all this stuff for you.  Life is not Lucky Charms and it’s not Burger King- you can’t have it your way.

               Life is rough, hard so we must appreciate the bad times as well as the good times and we must have bad as well as good. People say “I don’t have enough faith to be an atheist”- well, maybe you should have faith!  Faith in yourself that you can do things to give yourself a good life.  So if you want the blessings of Job you go out and get it and make it happen.  And if you’re still going through crap, that’s life just accept it, but give yourself good times too and good in life so that life is not miserable and shittty.  Whatever life you have now, it’s because you created that for yourself.

               Sounds simple enough right?  Yet millions believe in this nutty spirituality that says it’s all God or all the devil.  God is in control.  God won’t let anything happen outside of his will.  So if I get raped is that God or a person’s choice?  So if my father and mother don’t love me, and my bank account is overdrawn, is that God trying to see if I’ll trust him and love him no matter what and still serve him, or is that NUTTY Christianity again saying we deserve to be punished and go through things and suffer because Jesus did.

               I’m trying to help you and I think this book will help.  CUT the Christians out of your life and things will get better.  Your life is what it is because you made it that way. Now make it something else.  Don’t be afraid of hell and the afterlife and what happens in the afterlife, if you go to heaven, you go to heaven, if you go to hell, you go to hell, it’s all God anyway right?  WRONG.  If there was a God that cares, he would’ve made my life easier when I pulled that trigger. He would’ve stopped people from abusing me sexually.  He would’ve gotten me off the street.

               Yet no matter how much you cry out, this God that you so delicately believe in is not there, he does not rescue you, nothing happens, nothing changes.  So if there is hell, I welcome it.  But I believed if I shot myself I would go to heaven.  Why?  I was a Christian and wanted a better, happy life.  I did not turn my back on God, he turned his back on me.  I knew that once I died, I’d finally be happy and be in eternity with him, and that was better than being on earth.

               What’s the point?  If all life is suffering?  If God just wants us to suffer?  If we’re here to suffer like Jesus and Job and just wait till you’re 40, 50, or your whole life is over to FINALLY get those blessings of Job or what if they never come?  This nutty theology that God’s in control is NUTS.  I was forced to live after my suicide attempt, FORCED.  I could not buy a gun anywhere and because of my son and my mother, I was unable to kill myself and do that to them.

               You just don’t believe in God enough.  You just don’t love God enough.  This is what we’ll hear from the Christian community. Yet if you want to buy or sell anything, you’ve got to take the 666 on the right hand or the forehead.  Well I don’t want to be in an apartment broke, with no food, no man, no furniture, no money, no job, no gas, no car, and HOMELESS so what do I do?  Most people will sleep with people for money BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IN GOD SO MUCH or strip or whatever it takes to get money, get with a rich man, whatever.  YET THEY’RE JUDGED WHEN THEY DO IT.

               They’re sinners.  They’re evil.  Why? They’re trying to make life happen for them and weren’t given parents that gave a shit.  SIN.  Go on and judge me but I am here to help THEM not you.  You weren’t there when I tried to kill myself and you won’t be there when I die.  The reason I was spared is I’m meant to help YOU so that you’ll see the truth……………and finally to the best of your ability live a good and happy life, at least the best that you can make it because it’s in your control and your power ONLY.  So if I’m going to hell, I welcome it.

               Anything’s better than life being nothing but shit on this earth.  So if me being friends with non Christians is a sin BRING IT ON.  If me marrying somebody who’s rich and loving them the best I can for money BRING IT ON.  If standing up to you on my facebook when you condemn me for my sins is sin BRING IT ON. Because I don’t want your strange, Jesus mafia life, that says suffer bitch and believe God-

even when it never happens, you just believe in God and don’t give up.

               This lie that our lives are meant for suffering has gone on too long.  Make life the best you can make it.  God and people won’t love you.  That is why YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF.

 CHAPTER TWO

               This phony philosophy that there’s a God is just as crazy as there’s a devil.  If something bad happens, it’s the devil doing it through you or to you and that’s with everything.  Family. Finances.  Relationship.  We just have to pray and get rid of the devil.  Yet what if the devil doesn’t go away and things stay bad?  Then you don’t have enough faith or there’s something you’re doing wrong.

               Just pray and keep binding and they’ll go away. What if they don’t?  Then you don’t have enough faith.  You’re not a good enough Christian.  YET I BELIEVE if something goes bad even if it’s severe and all the time and trying to kill you it’s because you done fucked up or someone else did.  It is your choices or someone else.  GOD had nothing to do with it.  THE DEVIL had nothing to do with it.  They are not in control of life.

               The only person that’s in control of our lives is us and it’s up to us how much we love and how much love we receive.  There is no God looking out for us all and there certainly is no devil making it all happen.  If that were the case, everything on earth would be bad and hellacious.  I hate to tell you, but that little man with a fork is not that powerful.  And there are not minions attacking you trying to stop you from what you’re doing. Shit happens because literally SHIT happens.  It happens to everyone.  And these are because of our choices or the choices of someone else.  Blaming it on some evil force won’t work.  It’s your life.  

               Yet people believe they can do witchcraft and the devil can give them what they want or they can worship the devil and finally have a good life.  That is ridiculous.  The devil doesn’t care anymore than God does and he’s not that powerful.  You cannot do deals with the devil to make your life better.  It only becomes better because you made it better.  

               You cannot do evil, witchcraft, or worship the devil in order to make things change or get better.  If that were the case, we’d all worship the devil.  We’d all do evil acts for him to do big for us.  Anything ANYTHING to make life good.  But I am telling you.  The “devil” does not care.  The “Lord” does not care.  The only one who cares is you and others.  And that is IT, my friend.  So you can believe in the nuttiness all you want it isn’t going to change things.  It won’t give you money, possessions, fame, OR the right choices and everything in life is made up of choices- yours or somebody else’s, so what choice are you going to make?

               If all your life is made up of choices, the right choices will get you to the right things.  The right CHOICES will make your life good or better or great. The CHOICES in others is what makes things happen or prevents things from happening.  If something bad happens to you, it’s not God.  It’s the choice of someone else.  Abuse or mistreatment is because of a CHOICE.  So get around and let happen to you the right choices from others.

               Don’t allow the wrong choices in others to get to you or cause you mistreatment of yourself or someone else.  There are some people’s choices we can do nothing about but most of the time we need to TRY to get around and make happen for us good choices from others, not bad choices from others.  If you apply this to your life, you’ll see that I am correct.

               Now you’re saying WOW the devil is going to attack you non-stop now (laughter) you won’t last long the devil is going to beat you down and take everything from you and attack you until you’re dead- you won’t last with that belief long!  Well what if he does?  I can either make life better for me or continue making it shit, continue believing God’s gonna save me, help me out, get me out of this?  I can think I’m being attacked by the devil ALL THE TIME.

               But that is not going to change anything anymore than a belief in God will.  I don’t care if every devil in hell attacks me, it’s still my choice to make my life what it is.  Nutty spiritualism and Christianity will get you to believe everything’s a devil.  In fact, any bad thing that happens is the devil. This just isolates you even more, puts you through suffering, and makes life bad.

               “God” can do nothing about people treating you bad. “God” can do nothing about your finances.  You can. The devil can make 1,000 people hate you and make you hate you, but so what?  Who really fucking cares about some devil and millions of demons?  This theology is meant to bring you down, break you down, and again believe that life is suffering every second, every moment and there’s no getting out of it unless you worship him.

               Yet even people that worship him have bad shit and even more bad shit happen.  I’m famous and because of my witchcraft I’m famous.  You’re famous because you worked hard, met the right people, and made the right connection.  There ain’t no devil and no demons making you famous.  If God is not the powerful, the devil is not that powerful.  The only powerful entity is yourself.  Yourself is your best friend or your worst enemy.  It is important to love OURSELVES more than any person, job, business, or significant other.  If you love yourself first, all things will work out.

               But Christians hold a grudge that someone did them wrong, they were abused, that’s why this is all happening to them.  Yet if you’ll think back to your life it is YOURSELF doing it.  YOURSELF is itzactly why you are where you are today.  Did you go to college?  That means no money.  Are you around healthy people?  You will not be healthy.  Are you in a healthy relationship?  You will be unhealthy for others.  Like duh Christians.  IT IS YOU. Not no God, not no devil.

               The last time I went to church, they talked over and over about how on the way there, the devil was active because the police wrongly accused them of almost running over a dude on a bicycle and they almost went to jail.  Of course, it was the devil attacking them so they wouldn’t make it to church. Everyone talks about the devil and how he’s attacking.  So easy to blame the devil instead of THE COP MADE A DUMBASS CHOICE and people are crazy and have psychological and mental issues.  Instead of believing it’s PEOPLE there is some spiritual force at work.  

               This can make you crazy because if you’re around people all the time (who are ALL jacked up by the way) things can be jacked up all the time.  Shit can be happening 24/7 and it’s not some “devil” or demonic entity.  It’s people.  The cop made a mistake or the bicyclist was nuts people are HUMAN give them some credit they are not perfect.

               When they got to church, the sound system messed up for 10 seconds, and even though they fixed it it was the devil. Why?  Why can’t you just fix the sound system (which only takes 10 seconds by the way) instead of giving attention to some devil that we now all got to think about and hear about instead of just ignoring it, fixing it, and move on?  Why do we need to sit here and awknowledge to devil?  What a waste of time!  You could just fix the physical gitch and problem and move on.

               Now you have a persecution complex that it’s the devil and every time something bad happens you’re thinking it’s the devil. So what if it is?  Why give him any awknowledgment?  Just makes life worse.  If I’m able to fix it, move on.  This is nutty to think that there is a devil all the time or even at all. There just simply cannot be a demon in the dishwasher.  Fix the dishwasher.

               It’s raining outside right now.  I could say “That’s God making it rain now I can’t get my stuff- thanks” or I could say “that’s a demonic spirit now I have to pray” but it really is just rain.  Just life. Accept it.  If everything is a demon, we’re stressed out, worried, and suffering all the time.  If everything is God, he gets blamed for every bad thing there is.  God’s in control.  He made it happen.  NO. People’s choices are something “God” can do nothing about.  He cannot change people.  He cannot make them make choices.

               Life is not all spiritual.  It’s all mental.  And it’s up to you to break the mental war.  I recently had a therapist of 4 years and another of 1 year quit on me. They told me I was too dysfunctional and they could not help me.  I could sit here and think that’s the devil or I could think well, more dysfunctional people on the planet, there’s so many people on the planet jacked up in the head. Thinking it’s the devil makes me have a persecution complex.  NOW bad shit is happening all the time and you’re programmed to now accept bad all the time because it’s “God”.  

               Now it’s God doing it because he’s just allowing bad shit to happen in your life.  This also programs you to where everything’s bad all the time.  And this is the way of Christianity or any belief in anything spiritual.  Instead of understanding that we as humans are ALL flawed and ALL in need of love and forgiveness and every last one of us EVERY LAST ONE screwed up, God and the devil get blamed for everything.  This also makes life shit.  If my computer messes up, is it the devil?  Who cares!  Fix your computer.  

               If everyone hates me and talks bad about me, is it the devil?  No, there’s just that many jacked up people.  If my father doesn’t let me in the house and I’m outside with my kid escaping an abusive relationship, is that the devil?  No, your father is jacked up!  And we’ve got to realize EVERYONE is jacked up and dysfunctional.  There is not one healthy person on the planet.  We all have flaws, have evil, have anger, and have mistakes.  If you LOVE and FORGIVE and UNDERSTAND everyone your problems will go away.  Try it sometime.  They may not change but your life will.

               We’ve also got to realize that there is no love in the world.  The world is jacked up.  If everything that happens is because God let it happen then again we are subject to God and how he wants our lives to be so if everything’s bad he must want everything to be bad and our lives to be bad so therefore our lives are bad and we just accept it ACCEPT A BAD LIFE and that life is bad.  If everything’s good then God must want our life to be good and we are better than others.  If everything’s good it’s because God wants it to be good so if he wants it to get bad again it can.  More recipe for failure.  Again. God and the devil get blamed for everything.

               If everything’s the devil and an attack of the devil then humans are not jacked up or seen as flawed people with mistakes, problems, and mental difficulties- they are these superhuman, superspiritual powerless entities that anything can happen through.  People are not that dumb and that powerless.  People are PEOPLE.  It’s because of our view of people that we think they’re these vessels God or the devil happen through.  We also don’t give people enough credit.

               We think they should always love us, always give to us, always be kind to us, never hurt us, never be abusive, and just these entities that operate in love all the time.  Yet when we see people as HUMAN is the only time our lives change. NO ONE is going to always love you, give to you, be kind to you, never hurt you, and never be abusive to you. Human beings are incapable of such. So if that’s true that people will always love us, always give to us, always be kind to us, never hurt us, and never be abusive to us, we give people too much credit.  Now we are mad at them and others or everyone and the world around us. More recipe for a bad life, so what’s the point of being on earth?

               If ALL humans are capable of abuse, hurt, anger, lust, envy, greed we stop putting people on such a high pedestal and become realistic that we are ALL this way we are ALL human so forgive everyone.  Love everyone.  Be good to everyone.  This is a recipe for a good life and all you really need to make your life good.  There isn’t a human on the planet that hasn’t been abusive at some point.

               You scream at your wife because you’re at your end and about to lose your job.  You’ve never done it before but you have a moment where you snap – this is called verbal abuse and now you’re a bad person because you’ve verbally abused your wife. Yet everyone has yelled at someone and been pushed to their limit at some point or another.  Everyone has gone off.

               Have you ever got mad in traffic?  You’re a human with emotions.  Of course at some point in your life you’ve gotten mad. Now let’s take it a step further. Everyone is coming at you at all sides. You’re being bullied at school and beat up every day.  No one will leave you alone.  Everyone is rejecting you, talking bad about you, and mistreating you.  No psychology is involved in this.  If you shoot everyone and snap, you’re an evil murderer condemned to hell for eternity.  Or if you snap and fight back, let’s say the principal finds out and you’re expelled- now what happens?  You hate yourself.  You now have a bad life.  You lose all your friends and have to move and now you’re just angry all the time.

               What has happened?  This person was not given enough love.  Instead of forgiving everyone, we say those that beat him up are evil when really THEY weren’t given enough love.  Love is the universal answer to everything and every situation. It’s really quite simple LOVE LOVE LOVE the abusing attackers and LOVE LOVE LOVE the victim.  Why?  Because we are all humans fatally flawed and make mistakes.

               To think of it any other way, you’re seeing life now as you powerless to do anything about it.  If you’re the victim because those people are EVIL you’re still getting beat up.  If you’re the abusers, you don’t change because you’re still able to beat on the victim and THINGS STAY THE SAME.  Until our thought patterns begin to change.  Anything else is a recipe for a bad life.

               If you love and forgive both sides, you now have a recipe for the greatest life ever.  Why?  You walk in love and forgiveness.  Love says we are both character flawed and make mistakes and are human whether we’re verbally abusive, physically abusive, or sexually abusive- we are just giving what we’ve got, we are character flawed imperfect human beings.  

               Let’s take it a step further.  A man is physically abusive to you and you think he’s an evil piece of shit.  Now you are angry and in an abusive situation and need recovery.  Now life is shitty.  A bad life.  A bad mindset.  Yet what if you believe he’s just giving to me what he’s got, doing to me what’s been done to him.  We give humans some credit and understand hurting people hurt people and hurting someone physically is just as bad as the verbal yet we have scales of bad, good and worse this sin is greater than that sin this thing is greater bad or worse than that thing.  Yet if it’s all the same from small to extreme extent of abuse, EVERYONE is flawed and now we’re not thinking a person needs to be judged by their actions. More healing takes place in these relationships because LOVE CONQUERS ALL and we don’t hold everybody by some global scale, realizing all humans make mistakes and are capable of giving pain as well as receiving pain.  When you judge on a scale of perfection, you realize some people have it bad some people have it good.  Some people are rich, some people are poor.  Yet we can all have it the same.

               We can all have it good.  We can all be rich.  It’s a mindset.  You can think “this person is abusing me”, “I’m abusing this person” or you can think man, I need mercy and grace and forgiveness that’s the only way to end it.  Hate breeds more hate.  Love breeds more love.  Lack of understanding creates more lack of understanding, anger breeds more anger, everything breeds itself whether good or bad, no matter what it is.

               You give to someone love, you get love.  You give to someone hate, you get hate. Eventually, you will get back what you gave.  I’ve never seen hate end hate.  I’ve never seen abuse end abuse.  Have you ever tried it the other way?  Have you ever seen a boxing match?  Both are hitting each other.  Yet eventually if one person stops throwing punches, he will get beat down and the match will end, somebody will win.  This ends the match.  Yet if both remain fighting, one person will always win.  That’s the game we call life.  

               So what happened?  One person decided they would let the other person win.  What really happened.  Well hitting is physical abuse.  Not doing anything is love in any situation.  To sit there and take it and eventually lose is love.  The other person will give up and have to quit at some point.  This is how we solve our life’s problems.  If someone is abusing you physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally and you do nothing, what happens eventually at some point it will have to end.  It can’t go on forever.  They will either begin to sow love or leave the relationship. Both are good things which just leads to my conclusion hate breeds more hate, love breeds more love.

               What if you did nothing but act in love and kindness for 30 days, surely not everyone would react the same, but some people would love you back, they might even pass on the love.  Now what if you do nothing but hate and act in hatred for 30 days (a character decision)???  A lot of people would hate you back, they might even pass that hate on to others, but some people would actually give up.  They wouldn’t want to fight you or deal with you, they would just give up.

               IT’S ENDED RIGHT THERE.  Now you have a recipe for a great life.  If love breeds more love and hate breeds more hate doesn’t it make more sense to love and not to hate?  If everything is going to multiply itself, which would you rather have?  The same is true with abuse.  Abused people abuse people.  Hurting people hurt people.  Unabused people unable others.  Love breeds more love.  If you unabused, eventually it will go somewhere.  If you make the choice to abuse, the other person will react the same way or spread it on to someone else.  It’s so simple.  Just do good and make right choices.  

               If something bad happens to you, you can’t do anything about it but eventually you will be powerless.  Because we are fatally flawed humans with mistakes.  If we judge off of mercy and love saying THIS PERSON IS A HUMAN BEING and ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE THIS WAY it takes the standard of perfection, which is unrealistic and never works anyway because we have all been abusive at some point in our lives there is no perfect unabused or unabusive person on the planet we’ve all done it at some point, and GUESS WHAT love and mercy and forgiveness has been sown and you can’t do nothing about it. It’s there.  It has to go somewhere.  It has to either come back to you or spread so what are we sowing in our world?  Hate or love?

[a-mandala-rose]

You Spin Me Right Round...

I’ve never written a meta post about an episode before, so with only three episodes left, I figured this is the perfect time to start. It typically takes me a few days to process and gather my thoughts, because much like Dean this season, I’m rather slow on the uptake. By the time I have something to say, it usually feels like the moment has passed. But what the hell. We’re three episodes from the end and I have FEELINGS.

To start, I’m going to back up a moment and talk about 15X16 (see “slow on the uptake,” above). Lots of fans, myself included, found themselves frustrated with watching what at first glance seems to be your run of the mill MOTW episode. A *good* MOTW, for sure, but still, with only four episodes left to go, it felt like we should be past this by now. In fact, “aren’t we past this?” seemed to be the theme of the entire episode and that alone should have clued us in that despite appearances, this episode was anything but just another MOTW. If that was too subtle, Billie’s pointed “you’re working a case? Now?” should have been a dead give away that we needed to look deeper. And many tried, but the most a lot of us could come up with was the brothers’ big emotional argument at the end and even that was a giant moment of “been there, done that.” Why at what should be a pivotal point in the series are we rehashing the same arguments we’ve been watching for the past 15 years?

Jumping ahead to 15X17 for a moment, we see Dean absolutely breaking down. He’s losing it. Imploding. Leaving aside all of the problematic comments about and to Jack (we’ll come back to that), Dean lays out the crux of the problem when he and Jack are talking in the Impala: he doesn’t know what’s real. Like he’s been saying all season, he’s lost the perspective to be able to tell what about his life has been his choice and what has been Chuck’s machinations. He’s stuck in Chuck’s hamster wheel. Going ‘round and ‘round. Repeating the same scenes, lines, hunts, and arguments on a loop. Wait…why does that ring a bell?

Back to 15X16 and NOW it makes sense. Why are we stuck in yet another MOTW episode? Why is Dean lying to Sam again? Why is he once again sacrificing someone he loves, leading them “into the meat grinder?” Why is he backsliding on all that great emotional growth we saw last season? Why is he repeating the same destructive patterns that thanks to Kaitlyn, we know he’s been stuck in since childhood? IT’S THE HAMSTER WHEEL. Round and round we go…but whose hamster wheel is it?

Back to 15X17, LOTS going on in this episode and I’m not going to touch on all of it. But some highlights [and these are in no particular order because 1) I’m scatterbrained as hell and 2) the fuck does it matter anyways, because as we’ve established, we’re just going around in a big ass circle here]:

We see some absolutely masterful manipulation by Chuck. Manipulating Dean in order to manipulate Amara because he knows thanks to their “bond,” she’ll never turn on Dean…unless he betrays her first…which brings us to two of the biggest points in this episode. First off, we learn that Chuck didn’t write the Dean/Amara bond, which, as many more brilliant meta minds have pointed out before me, mirrors Dean and Cas’ profound bond, which we learn at the end of the episode was also NOT written by Chuck (and in fact pisses him off quite a bit, to put it mildly.) This reminds us that though he claims to be omniscient, Chuck is definitely NOT omnipotent and while he may be able to control space and time, one thing he can’t control is human emotional bonds and relationships. And this friends, this is important. In fact, it’s everything.

Right before Chuck confesses that Castiel is, as Cas fans have long insisted, the very embodiment of free will (more on that later), Sam references Eileen, which, yes, is very sweet, but also...also, is a call back to their relationship, specifically, to Eileen’s fears that her feelings for Sam weren’t genuine. She wonders what about her and Sam’s relationship was real and what was Chuck, which we knew at the time was a mirror to Dean’s “What about all this is real?” The answer, of course? “We are.” And now we have confirmation: emotional bonds/relationships are REAL. They might be manipulated by Chuck, but they aren’t created by him and clearly, he can’t understand them. That’s illustrated several times in this episode. His reaction to Dean’s “icky” bond with Amara. His inability to "feel the love" of the angels she took him to see. His cold manipulation of his sister. The throwback to the way he threw Adam and Eve, his first human children, out of the Garden and then used their sons to further his own plans. His consternation with Castiel for not doing as he was told after he raised Dean from perdition.

Chuck doesn’t understand and didn’t create emotions. Which seems obvious wen you think about the fact that his first sentient children didn’t have them. Emotions are a specifically HUMAN creation and that is what makes humans so frustrating and incomprehensible to Chuck. It’s why he hates them. Not only are a few of them very disobedient pets, as a whole they've created something he cannot. What a blow to the ego that must be.

The second thing referenced by Amara and Chuck’s conversations about Dean is his betrayal of her. Chuck’s telling Amara that Dean is sending her to the “meat grinder” is not a coincidence. That language is a deliberate mirror to Dean accusing his alternate future self of sending Cas to the meat grinder in The End (That’s only one of several parallels Unity makes with The End. For a much more thorough accounting, check out castielslostwings’ Twitter thread.), which, as I referenced above, also parallels Dean’s willingness to send Jack on a suicide mission. What do these things all have in common? Each time, Dean is ignoring his own instincts, his own “moral compass,” in favor of a plan. In The End, he regrets his choice to say no to Michael…to veer from Michael’s, aka God’s, aka Chuck’s plan and is trying to recreate it by killing Lucifer/Sam. Now he’s following Billie’s plan, even though it clearly feels wrong to him. We can see that in the way he tries to distance himself from Jack. The way he tries to convince himself that Jack isn’t family. That he’s different from Sam and from Cas, even though he’s told Jack before that he IS family. Even though when he was angriest with Jack and distraught with grief over Mary, he still told Belphegor that Jack was “our kid.” We can see it too in the way he reacts equally defensively when Sam brings up how they’re about to betray Amara in 15X15 and again in 15X17 when we can see Dean flinch when she tells him they’ll always help one another. This feels wrong to him, but he’s doing it anyways because he thinks he has no choice.

Looking back over seasons’ past, the two ever-present themes in Supernatural have been free will (obviously) and found family. They’ve always been intertwined. We’ve watched time and time again as Sam, Dean, and Cas choose one another. But now we have those two themes coalescing more than ever before. Every time any of them chooses “the plan” over their family, shit goes sideways. And now we know it’s because, as Chuck has made pretty damn clear in his manipulation of Billie’s plan, he’s omniscient and he controls all time and space.  All plans are HIS plan.

But what doesn’t he control? Emotions. And the bonds they create between people. It’s in choosing one another that Team Free Will has always thwarted Chuck’s plan. Dean refusing to go down the path laid out for him in The End. Cas refusing to "hurt Dean Winchester." Sam refusing to reap MoC Dean. Dean refusing to shoot Jack in that cemetery. The boys refusing to hurt one another, again and again and again. The boys choosing one another again and again and again. And I think that's what Chuck really wants to break. Why he's so obsessed with getting his ending. This is what Becky was getting at in her critique of his story. Chuck doesn't understand his characters, because he doesn’t understand feelings. He hates this creation of humanity that has become more important to them and more defining of them than anything else, including him. So, he wants to conquer it. He wants to manipulate the situation to make his characters choose something of his divining over their emotional bonds to one another. Those bonds he didn't create and that he, in all of his omniscience and power, cannot sever.

15X17 confirms that free will is real. Cas chose to disobey. That wasn’t written by Chuck. And speaking of Cas, let’s look at our biggest two parallels of the season: Dean and Cas. (Sorry Sam. Sit this one out.) Cas, who Chuck has just identified as the epitome of free will. Cas who, once a mindless soldier, abandoned heaven’s plan. Who found his new purpose when he chose to become a father. Who follows his instincts over the plan because “something went wrong” and “the plan changed.” Versus Dean. Dean who has spent this entire season feeling trapped. Who keeps choosing “the plan” over his family and finds his cage getting smaller by the minute.

Back to 15X16. I asked before whose hamster wheel is Dean on? Dean says it’s Chuck’s, but that assumed that free will was a lie. Now we know it’s not. Free will is real and Chuck never even had to take it away from Dean. Dean gave it up as soon as he started following someone else’s plan instead of his own. Dean’s hamster wheel is of his own making.

There are so many more things I could say about 15X17. For starters, those chapter titles…are they referencing Chuck’s story? Or are they chapters in his death book, the one we saw in this episode and Chuck himself referenced? After all, Billie’s read that book, so she must have known “her” plan would fail. But she went down that path anyways…And speaking of Billie, I haven’t even touched on her or the Empty. The Empty says Billie wants “everything back where it belongs” with angels in heaven and demons in hell. Wait. That sounds familiar. Oh yes! My new favorite demon, Zack, said that in our other most recent “just a MOTW” episode. It seems Rowena wants something similar. Isn’t that interesting? And speaking of Rowena, if there’s one thing this show loves, it’s duality. Parallels. They’re everywhere…except, it seems, when it comes to the queen of Hell. Who will mirror Rowena? How interesting that we visited that empty throne room in Heaven last week…

BUT…the main thing here is this: Unity. This episode was about unity and now we have a unified Chuck and Amara. We’re going to need a unified TFW in order to defeat them. Because that is the key to defeating Chuck. Choosing one another…choosing our found family, the ones we’ve created those bonds with…again and again and again.

#supernatural #meta #Mandaladoesmeta #Season 15 #spn 15X16 #spn 15X17

[dailyaudiobible]

08/18/2021 DAB Transcript

Esther 1:1-3:15, 1 Corinthians 11:17-34, Ps 35:17-28, Proverbs 21:19-20

Today is the 18th day of August welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today as we begin some new territory. So, we concluded…well…we read Ezra and then we read Nehemiah. We concluded Nehemiah yesterday and there’s so much in Ezra and Nehemiah for us and we explored that. So, we’re not really leaving stories from the exile, but this is a totally new complexion and it's so wonderful when we arrive at this place, the book of Esther.

Introduction to the book of Esther:

And what we’ll learn is that…well…the story of a Hebrew girl named Hadassah and she was orphaned in the exile, and her cousin, his name was Mordecai. He took her in and raised her as his own. He was of the tribe of Benjamin. And, so, Hadassah, she is in exile in Persia and so they can have a different language and different naming scheme. And, so, she takes on the name Esther, which means Morning Star or Star in the Hebrew tradition. So, what we will find is that the Persian king has a falling out with Vashti, his Queen. She embarrasses him, really humiliates him and rebels against him in a way, and as it turns out she is put away, which is what eventually allows Esther to come onto the scene. A search throughout the land for beautiful maidens that would qualify, like they would if chosen, become the Queen. And as it turns out Esther is beautiful, like stunningly beautiful, gorgeous. And just inside and out has a quiet temperament and is kindhearted and not arrogant or condescending, and she is chosen to be, you know, kind of in the final group where a lot of different women are being given lots of different beauty treatments and cared for and being taught the ways of the palace and how to be before the king and all of the customs of royalty. And Esther was taken into the harem as it were and began to go through all of this and she found favor everywhere that she went, but she kept the fact that she was Jewish a secret. She didn't say her ethnicity and that turned out to be pivotal. We’ll also meet someone named Haman who rose to great prominence, basically second in command in the kingdom. He was in Amalekite. He descended from King Agag. He becomes kind of the antagonist in the story because the Amalekites and the Hebrews have been enemies actually all…all the way back to Jacob and Esau. And it was Samuel, the Hebrew prophet that executed the king Agag the Amalekite. It was the Hebrew king Saul that had defeated Agag but had spared him and then…well…Samuel then didn't spare him. So, much later now Haman’s got this brewing, seething rage towards the Jewish people and he’s risen to prominence in Persia and so he plans the...the extermination of the Jewish people throughout the entire empire. So, this is a short book but it's pretty high in drama. And in the end it establishes a festival in the Hebrew culture that is lasting until today, the festival of Purim. And we’ll find…we’re gonna love Esther. It's a great read. It's a great story. It's a short story but it's a beautiful story. But as we overlay it with our lives there’s so much there. God against all odds is present. Circumstances don't always work out the for the worst or the way that we think that they might. Everybody has a role to play in the story because God brings people into things and assigns them to do things for such a time as this. And, so, let's…let’s dive in and enjoy Esther. We’re reading from the Good News Translation this week. Esther chapters 1 through 3 today.

Prayer:

Father, thank You for Your word. We thank You for this…this new territory, the book of Esther that we find ourselves in. Thank You for the story of a valiant beautiful woman who rescues Your people for such time as this. And we look in our own lives and look for these scenarios where we find ourselves in a situation and maybe we’re not the Queen and maybe we’re not gonna rescue an entire people group, but there are such times that we are the one that's in the right place to do Your service. Help us to recognize that even as we continue with the story of Esther moving forward tomorrow. Come Holy Spirit we pray into all that we've read we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hey guys this is Lazarus calling. For those that have followed me over the years, this is it. Finally losing everything and it's OK. I'm extreme pain. I put off the surgery on my shoulder for two years and now it's beyond bearable. I was near suicidal earlier this week from the pain. On a new pain scale, it’s level 17. So, anybody wants to jump on board with that one come on. I'm just putting together a list of all the things that I have to sell with what I have left and try to figure out a way to make it to a surgery that I can't afford. So…and losing my company, losing everything. So, not sure how to deal with loss but Jesus is there. I can do anything with him. And I'm just trying to reconnect with His fire. So, for those of you who are in pain or loss or whatever, I feel for you. I am there with you. Just know that He's there and when it's dark…I've been dark…He gives you a flashlight and points you in the right direction. So, please keep the faith. I have no idea where I'm going to be, where I'm going to be living, if on the street or whatever, but I'm in his hands and I'm doing His will. So, I give it all up to Him. So, thank you for your prayers. Over the years and I pray I'm around to talk to you in the near future and with a praise report or any report. God bless you all I love you all. Thank you Brian, I’ve loved you for years brother.

This is Peggy in Texas and as a grandmother I ask you to pray for my 15-year-old grandson. He's suffering some from some type of trauma. The doctor has told us this. We do not know what it is at this point, nobody does. He has shut down, he's pulled in, he's evidently feeling very lonely…is…he's alone in many ways in this world and he is filled with anxiety. And, of course, all this leads to depression. Will you please ask our Lord to grant his parents and me…he's staying with me as…beginning in a few hours for now for several days and then his parents are taking a daughter to college. We ask for wisdom, ask for strength ask for peace in the mist of upheaval, please. Ask for direction, that…that we'll all be able to pull together, and the need will be met, that God will be honored. I am 87 and, of course, you can probably tell in my voice that I'm experiencing some anxiety and restlessness and just longing and for help. Anyway, I thank you for praying with me as I pray with you for your concerns. Oh man…heavenly Father, hear us and direct our paths and heal our hearts and our minds and our…our children for His honor in His glory. Thank you for hearing this request. Thank you for praying with me. Blessings. Bye- bye.

Hi Daily Audio Bible family this is Sheena from Saskatchewan Canada. I wanted to send a prayer out to Quiet Confidence in Virginia and just…just letting you know that there's no shame in anxiety and depression. And I get it. But I just wanted to let you know that when the enemy is telling you that you're backsliding or that you're going against your faith it's just…it's…it's not true. And you are strong, and you are loved, and I just hope that I can provide you some encouragement with that prayer. I called in a little while ago, so thank you to those who prayed for my situation with my boyfriend being wrongfully accused of a crime. We’re doing alright this week. We've…we have our next court date which unfortunately isn't till February. So, please continue to pray for us as we prepare for this preliminary hearing. Couple people I want to send shoutouts for, Lorenzo, you’re such a blessing to our DAB community. I pray that as you go back to school that God will grant you strength to continue in your faith and wisdom to do well at your new school. Holly Heart your commitment in praying for all of us is inspiring. Thank you, Lord for Holly and her faith and service to You and the rest of us. And Esther from Kissimmee, I pray the Lord continues to shine on you and to be gracious to you. Your passionate prayers for all of us lift my heart and restore my faith in the world and it makes me want to do better. Thanks DAB family. I'm hoping that I can make this a regular thing, calling in and praying. Have a great day. Love you. Bye.

Hi DAB family this is Jessica from California. Tonight, I'm calling in to say a prayer for Dave from Indiana. Actually, the prayers for his son Lucas who has been a rehab for 28 days because he has an alcohol problem, and he has a wife and two children, and he somehow maybe had a relapse. And I just want to say a prayer. So, here we go. Dear heavenly Father, we just come before You Lord. You know what it is that Lucas is trying to drown and what void he's trying to fill with the alcohol Lord. And I just pray that in his quiet Time Lord that You speak to him and You pour Your love and Your anointing oil all over his mind and his body Lord, that You heal him from the inside out from all that's troubling him, whatever it is that he's choosing to use alcohol as a vice for Lord, that You just…You remove that splinter from his heart Lord and You heal him up Lord. And I just pray this on his father's behalf and also his wife and his children's behalf Lord because this not only affects him it affects his children and his whole family. I just thank You Lord that You are going to do this for Lucas and because he is a praying father and…and that You love him and You have wonderful dreams for him and I just want to encourage you Dave that the Lord healed me from…in Jesus’ name I pray Amen…that the Lord healed me from a drug addiction. And he had to heal me from emotional things first. So, I just pray that he heals your son from any emotional problems that he has. And…and thanks for calling in and putting your faith in the Lord Dave. Have a nice day. Bye.

Hi, it's Tom here calling from the UK just calling to ask for prayer for my left eye. I have a condition called recurrent corneal erosions and basically what that means is that wake up in the middle of the night with really excruciating eye pain. It's red, it's streaming, and I've just got to use eye ointment and eye drops and eye wash and usually it just settles down but for the past two days it just hasn't and my eyes quite swollen and it's just very painful. I'm over in Ireland the moment and it's my godsons christening and I really want to make it for Sunday. It's Friday today but at the moment I'm contemplating going back to the UK to…to get treatment. On top of it I'm also a doctor myself. I'm a surgeon in training and I need my eyesight. And I just really would covet your prayers, that my eye would be healed and that this condition would go and I'm thanking Jesus already for the healing and I just…yeah…I would just really appreciate prayer for it, that this pain would go and that I would get 2020 vision and this condition would just go away completely. So, thank you once again. Take care.

[roominthecastle]

Since you listened to Mofftiss talk about EP 3, did you get why they didn’t want to show the Agatha / Dracula connection until the end? I read your post about it, but it was still a bit unclear as to why. Because they even said something along the lines of “it was hard pressed to keep that hidden until the end”, did they talk about it with the other episodes. Did you listen to the others? Just drama-vise I’m curious as to why, when it’s more common to play with that energy instead of hide it.

I’ve listened to the three episode companion podcasts + the bonus audio commentary for ep 3, and, as far as I can remember, they only touch on this particular topic twice, saying:

It felt very moving when he was lying across “Zagatha” on the table, drinking her blood. There was a sort of full-stop-ness to “You didn’t think I’d let it hurt, did you?” It was such an iron process of  not revealing that that story is happening. I think everyone who watches  goes, “Hang on. Those two. Those two, there is something weird there.”  But it’s not acknowledged, really, til the very end. And indeed when he  says it, “After all this time, did you think I’d let it hurt?”, you  know. Of course he wouldn’t. So it’s rather sweet. I like it. He finally  does actually bend a little.

During my very first interview the journalist asked, “Oh come on, there is something between those two, isn’t there?” I thought, “Really? Already? you got that from episode one?!” I remember we were constantly saying to [Claes and Dolly],“No, don’t play it. Let the audience find it.”

I'm afraid that for a more detailed answer you would have to go to them. All I can offer is my speculative interpretation, which is not exactly bulletproof but here it is anyway:

They aren't saying this angle is not toyed with throughout (it def is, imo -- like the whole convent gate scene where he is naked and she is smearing him w/ her blood, or when she has the noose around her neck and his foot is on the barrel, they are flirting ffs, they are enjoying each other), but it being there isn't explicitly acknowledged until the very end. So viewers who are distracted by the surface action are surprised when the evolving subtext surges up at the end of ep 3, but for those who are looking for it, there are traces as early as in ep 1.

Dracula’s special brand of seductive darkness pulls Agatha in but Agatha also has a hold on Dracula from the first moment they meet. It manifests in smaller stuff at first, eg. he calls off his bats when she asks and he spares Mina when Agatha demands it even though he could have just killed them both in a split second. Then he brings her aboard the ship disguised as his sick wife and, as he drinks from her, he enters the “blood dream” to spend time w/ her -- something he never does w/ anybody else. Despite its twistedness, it is also extremely intimate: they lie in bed, he is inside her, she is inside him, and they are exploring each other under the guise of a chess match. So over time, their entanglement gets more and more elaborate and contradictory and blurred (esp for Dracula since he is the emotionally less developed).

Feelings other than plain animosity are developing and mutating and wash together but never ever is this straightforwardly expressed by either character. The closest they drift to it is perhaps when Dracula says, "This takes me back. About three centuries, in fact. We must do it again.” but when Agatha rejects him, he quickly laughs it off and backpedals. Now that I think of it, he even says that she “came closer than anyone”, which is def an interesting statement that lends itself to multiple readings + “three centuries ago” Dracula was likely still a human man, so certain vulnerabilities around her may be alluded to here.

"Don't play it [=the emotion]" -- based on my limited knowledge of acting/directing -- does not mean seeds of emotion are not there to color behavior or for the audience to pick up on them if they are open to it/perceptive enough. It just means the actors focus on immediate & overall intent and not specific feelings bc feelings are very difficult to play consciously and convincingly as they are not clear-cut and are in flux. By concentrating on "what I want & how I am gonna get it" and not "how I feel", the emotion can naturally, unconsciously flow from the interaction (just as it does in real life), but this way it is not gonna be too obvious or just one thing. It results in a more nuanced and believable performance overall.

Given that what Dracula and Agatha want from each other changes and is not fully crystallized until the very end, their feelings are also shifting and in disarray until that final moment. They start from the mutual sentiment of “I will kill you but will toy w/ you first bc you are interesting” but the unintended side-effect of getting to know one another is that this original goal shifts. This goal change is just as spectacular in Agatha as it is in Dracula: she goes from “the last thing your eyes will ever see is the contempt in mine” to her genuinely smiling at Dracula as he finally gathers his courage and stands in the sunlight after 500 years -- sunlight she chooses to give back to him instead of trying to kill him or leaving him in the dark to suffer alone forever. And this gesture, this most precious gift, really, brings about a change in Dracula, too. She takes him back to the time when he was still human and he can finally die a proper death in her arms. But all this comes on “slowly then all at once”, and it comes as a result of figuring each other out, which takes all 3 episodes. It wouldn’t have been convincing or true to either character if explicit (romantic) feelings had entered the text earlier bc their original wants and convictions were just too strong for that.

I think they most def play with that "imperfectly suppressed" UST energy throughout the season, but I don't believe either Dracula or Agatha is fully conscious of how they feel about each other or allow themselves to embrace those other feelings until the final confrontation where everything is brought to light (literally and figuratively). And how they feel is in flux and contradictory due to the very nature of their interactions: they are locked in what they know is supposed to be a fight to the death but whenever they reach the tipping point, 9 out of 10 times they pull back.

This is why e.g. Agatha leaves one box and sits beside it waiting for Dracula to return and why Dracula gives his blood to Zoe to drink, then waits for Agatha's return. Agatha could have tossed the last box after she set him on fire to make absolute sure he has no chance to recover, and Dracula could have easily refused the blood donation w/ instructions bc he was about to get out of his cell anyway, but they wanted to crack the door open for the other to push through again. This is in direct (albeit still subtle) contradiction of their original goal but at the end of ep 2 that original goal (“I will kill you to survive” and “I will kill you to save others” respectively) still overrides other feelings that have begun sprouting underneath the surface action. But it’s a natural backsliding that will lead to the good stuff at the end of ep 3 when they are finally able to embrace another solution, the right one, together.

This is like Dracula not being conscious that internalized shame is what’s been driving him to debase himself. It unconsciously informs his actions, but he is not fully aware of it or ready to face it until the end. Same w/ his developing feelings for Agatha and Agatha's for him. Those are suppressed until a final understanding is reached.

and this has been today’s edition of “let me overthink this”.

#anonymous #dracula x agatha #musings #wall of text #this show is like a drug to me at this point #bbc dracula #when mark said he does bend a little it also yanked my batb chain a delicious amount #♪ then somebody bends unexpectedly♪ #like thank you i am living my best dark fairytale monster romance dream through this right now much obliged kindly

[dwtsfun]

Dancing with the Stars Season 29 Week 6: Was There Supposed to be a Theme?

For real. Was there supposed to be a theme? It seemed like people were doing dedications and then some people just told a personal story? And then we had AJ talking about how much he says “sorry”. Idk.

Anyway, Tyra is really settling into being a host. Hated her first outfit. Loved the entirety of her second look. Derek and Hayley’s dance was incredible. It definitely brought some energy to a night that was very “meh” in the first hour. And we’ll get to that asinine elimination decision at the end.

Johnny and Britt- Salsa (Score=22)- So this dance wasn’t exactly bad. But there were some issues. Johnny seemed to backslide a bit in terms of his confidence. His movements were kinda clipped and he just felt so unsure, especially during the partnering parts of the dance. He needed more hips. And I just wanted it to be more grounded than it was. I think he is going to have a very similar problem that Evan Lysacek had all the way back in season 10. His ballroom was divine. His Latin was really lacking. I hope Britt and Johnny can get his Latin figured out. They are in a season where that will be way more of a problem than it was for Evan and Anna.

Nev and Jenna- Jazz (Score=26)- This was a really strange dance. Between the music selection, the choreography and the outfits, it just did not make sense. There were moments that I thought Nev was going to take off his jacket. I’m not sure why his arms were raised like that so much. Idk. It was good. But I hated every part of it.

Monica and Val- Rumba (Score=27)- Okay what gives? Why are we scoring Monica like this? She’s not dancing anywhere good enough to justify these scores. So what is it? What is the reason for her getting 9s when she should be getting 8s and 7s. Please help me understand. The hip action was not great. Her arm extensions were odd. It was boring. I just don’t get it. What is the agenda here?

Skai and Alan- Cha-Cha (Score=18)- Whew. This was rough. Okay, let’s start with the bad. Skai was pretty stiff at the beginning of the dance and she looked so nervous. She might be a celeb that would really benefit from a live audience to help her get out of her own head. And there was that huge series of mistakes right in the middle. But Skai seriously fought through and got back on track to end it off strong. This leads me to my positives. Once she got it back, I thought the dance was stronger than the first half. It seemed like she just let loose. There was some really nice technique at the end. It was also here and there at the beginning, but it was more consistent after that moment. I’m not sure if Alan is speaking to Skai about how she feels during performance days, but I feel like they need to approach rehearsals differently. Part of it needs to be dedicated to her dancing like she’s performing on a Monday night. She has everything needed to be amazing. It is just her nerves that we need to work on and get under control.

Vernon and Peta- Cha-Cha (Score=21)- Oh boy. Okay. First of all, from a purely technical standpoint, this was the worst dance of the night. Vernon was flat footed. His legs were awful during those New Yorkers. There was so much space between them and they were just sloppy. Peta’s choreography was terrible. I just don’t understand why or how Peta got this bad as a pro? Vernon was not hopeless. So I just don’t understand why it felt like she didn’t try at all with him. I really don’t.

Nelly and Daniella- Viennese Waltz (Score=24)- So last week was not a fluke. And Nelly has truly entered the competition. This dance was so much more elegant than I was expecting. His arms in particular, were so fluid. Daniella is killing it this season as a pro. She definitely has a bright future ahead of her on this show. What she is doing with Nelly is incredible. As for the issues, Nelly just needs to work on his feet and getting his butt under/fixing his posture.

Jeannie and Brandon- Rumba (Score=25)- I’ve gotta say that this was my favorite dance of the night by far. Jeannie really takes it there and really gives it everything that she’s got. She’s hanging with the best of them because of it. I do want her to work on her arms just a bit more and also pull back on the energy just a smidge more. BUT, this was really good and I think Jeannie might be on the path to the finals. 

AJ and Cheryl- Samba (Score=27)- AJ finally had his breakthrough. I was getting a little worried for a moment, but he finally stood out from the pack. He and Cheryl were in sync (sorry). His shoulders and posture are much improved. His footwork was the best that I’ve seen. He handled the dance and the choreography really well. His hips were great. I thoroughly enjoyed it. My only critique is that things got a little messy from time to time with his feet. And there were a couple of times when it looked like his shoulders were caving just a little bit. That’s it.

Chrishell and Gleb- Contemporary (Score=24)- So I don’t know what happened but for some reason I completely tuned this dance out. From what I saw, it looked pretty good. That’s it. And I don’t really want to go back and watch it.

Kaitlyn and Artem- Samba (Score=27)- So technically, this dance was pretty much perfect. I can’t say much about it as far as that goes. But like I have said with Kaitlyn so many times, she danced it way too pretty. And like CAI, I was not impressed. It was good. That is it. She needs more than to just attack the dance though. She needs to dance with some soul. Get down and dirty. Dance through the floor. Get grounded. Make it more earthy. Whatever you wanna say, she needs to do.

Justina and Sasha- Viennese Waltz (Score=27)- I thought this was a really pretty dance. I hated the dress though. And I didn’t care for the choreography. But it was Justina’s best dance so far, from a technical standpoint. I also feel like she is also on the path to the finals.

Now here is where I’m gonna start to go in. Our bottom 2 celebs were Johnny and Vernon. It was shocking to see Johnny down there. TELL ME WHY CAI DECIDED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO SAVE VERNON OVER JOHNNY??????????? Even with Johnny’s tumble down the leaderboard this week, he was leaps and bounds better than Vernon. WTF. This judges’ save has made the show almost unbearable to watch. Those judges have been saving the wrong people since it started last season. Saving Ray Lewis over Miss Mary (the much better dancer). Saving Ally over James van der Beek after her THIRD appearance in the bottom. Sis was not going to win. Saving Carole over Charles. And now CAI ready to throw Johnny away for a celeb that is not living up to his potential because his pro is not trying. WTF. Nah, they can’t even get it right. How dare they chastise us for years, when they have been fucking up since they got more say in who goes home. The audacity of those fools. And listen. The fact that Monica has not landed back in the bottom because of how high she has been overscored is pissing me off. STOP THIS. THIS IS WHY THE SHOW LOSES VIEWERS!

Anyway, I said what I needed to say. Let me know your thoughts and I will talk to you all soon.

#dancing with the stars #DWTS #Justina Machado #kaitlyn bristowe #chrishell stause #aj mclean #jeannie mai #Nelly #vernon davis #skai jackson #monica aldama #Nev Schulman #johnny weir #Britt Stewart #jenna johnson #val chmerkovskiy #alan bersten #peta murgatroyd #daniella karagach #brandon armstrong #Cheryl Burke #gleb savchenko #artem chigvintsev #sasha farber #Cha Cha #Viennese Waltz #salsa #samba #contemporary #jazz

[ernmark]

Juno Steel and the Tools of Rust (pt 1) Reaction

This episode was a really great one.

Also, this episode is a microcosm of this show’s affect on me: things have been really rough for me lately, but when I started listening to it I was immediately drawn in, and it gave me so much to think about and connect to and feel for. This episode was so much of what I needed at this moment in my life.

Beyond that, spoilers under the cut.

There’s a lot for me to talk about, to the point that I’ve got a notepad next to my laptop for subjects that I feel will need posts of their own later on.

But let’s start with Jet.

Holy shit, Jet Siquliak. 

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

I was in platonic love with him already, when he was this beautiful giant of a man who is patient and quiet and wise and gentle and wonderful. And now we’ve seen inside his head, and I didn’t even know I could love him so much.

Because he’s not patient because it’s his personality, he’s patient because he works really, really hard at it. He’s quiet because he’s making an effort to listen and be mindful. He’s wise because he’s done some shit and he’s hit some serious lows and he’s grown and regretted and learned from it all. He’s gentle because he knows exactly how destructive and cruel he can be, and he has made the choice to do otherwise. 

I’m so glad he’s got Rita around, because I want to hug this man a thousand times.

That piece of wisdom, he shared? That takes on a thousand times greater significance now:

JACKET: We may look backwards only to ensure we have not come this way before. (Soul of the People)

God, he’s had a lot to look back on. 

This is a man who was a serious, serious addict, it sounds like. And now he doesn’t use anymore. Not even caffeine. 

JACKET: It means I am thirsty. It is large because I am very thirsty, and decaffeinated because I have a predisposition to addictive— (Time Gone By)

And despite that, he was working as a bartender during Time Gone By. Not just being in the same room as some serious drink, but actively handling it and mixing it and everything. I know not everyone’s recovery is the same, but I’ve heard enough people talk about theirs that I know that’s no mean feat.

And not just in the lighthouse, but on the Carte Blanche, Buddy talks about both herself and Juno taking liberally from their supplies, and Jet flatly assures her that he’s not partaking. It’s implied that they’re talking about alcohol (maybe that’s the only thing she can really consume for calories?), maybe it’s coffee, who knows, but she’s concerned and non-judgmental, and he’s steadfast.

Seeing that man that we know-- even if we didn’t know him nearly so well-- as he used to be? The Unnatural Disaster? That chilled me to the bone. That hysterical laughter, that intensity in his voice, that utter glee at the thought of mass murder.

And he’s still haunted by it. He refuses to be any part of that, even slightly, but it’s still there, and still a part of him, and he’s got to work with it and fight against it every day.

And right now Rita’s going to help him with it.

Let’s talk about her, shall we?

Because Buddy knew exactly what she was doing, just like she knew what she was doing when she put Juno in a shiny ballgown and had Peter pretend to be his husband. 

Because Rita has the patience of a saint, but also she’s got fifteen years experience dealing with Juno and all his mood swings, all his self-destruction, all his angry outbursts, all his enemies, and even beyond that, she’s incredibly competent and interested.

She’s an incredible stabilizing element. She’s seen it all before, and she’s not going to judge, she’s not going to get mad, she’s not going to be weird about it. She’s going to be gentle when she needs to be, but otherwise she’s going to just be Rita. 

And this episode really brings it home: she knew Jet’s name the instant she heard it. He was the clear subject of not one but two streams, at least one of which involved him committing mass murder. 

And her reaction right away was “and I’m RIIIIIITA!” over and over again, and then she gets on Jet’s bike with Juno. “If she was scared,” Juno tells us, “She didn’t show it.”

The first time she shows any sign of fear is when he takes her and Juno to an empty stretch of desert in the middle of nowhere, and not unreasonably so:

RITA: You, uh, ain't gonna kill us, Mista Jet, are you? Cuz it would be really super easy to right now, there ain't any witnesses and all that, and-- (Soul Of The People) 

And then the ship lands and she gets on it anyway. 

And when she digs deeper into him, she doesn’t see a killer who might revert back at any moment. She sees him as so fundamentally different from who he once was. He’s not like that anymore. She acknowledges and understands the worst of a person, but still chooses to see the best in them, even during a backslide. 

When he slams a door or breaks a reactor, she knows exactly what he’s capable of doing to her. And yeah, you can hear some trepidation in her voice. But she doesn’t run. She’s still right there, soothing him. Talking him through it, bit by bit. When he fucks up completely, she assures him it’s wonderful timing that it got broken while they’re still able to resupply. When he starts stalling, she eases him back into motion.

She is really, really good at bad mental health days. 

And Buddy knew this would be a bad mental health day. She warned Jet ahead of time that this mission was going to be full of triggers. She gave him time to figure himself out, she gave him space, and then when he started self-isolating, she sent him back inside to do simple mechanical tasks with the one person who’s most qualified to help him through this patch. 

It’s just really nice. 

--

I’ve also spoken in the past about the shape of this season, and I think we’re finally starting to see that shape unfold.

We’ve now got Juno, who’s finally left behind Hyperion City, dealt with his mother and the death of his brother, and decided to work on his depression.

We’ve got Peter, who thought he could freeze himself in one state of being forever (”in glass”, if you will) and finally decides to be a part of his own future, starting with all those things he’s filed away.

We’ve got Jet, who’s so frightened of his past self that he gives it its own name and cages it behind a calm facade. 

We’ve got Buddy and Vespa, both of them legends, one imprisoned and one enslaved, neither of them the woman they used to be. 

We’ve got Rita, who’s so mysterious she doesn’t even let Juno speak her name aloud.

And yes, that means I sincerely believe we’re going to get POV episodes from Buddy, Vespa, and Rita before the season’s end, and I am absolutely thrilled. 

Beyond that: we’ve got Nova Zolotovna, who was rendered unrecognizable by a magnificent haircut.

We’ve got our current mark (I don’t trust myself to spell their name without a script in front of me), who seems to be trying to change, too.

Hell, even Dark Matters seems to be in a period of transition.

Right now we’re all about transformation, about coming to terms with the past and allowing yourself to be grow and change beyond it. 

That’s just so cool, you guys.

#the penumbra podcast #100