#and we’d love their impulse control… IF THEY HAD IT

[therighthandofvengeance]

It’s all fun and games until your doctor finds out that you directly disobeyed his orders to take things easy (you followed your husband through the multiverse while pregnant)

#who are queue? what do queue want? #for once it’s not an incorrect quote #babylon 5 #b5 #Babylon 5: The Road Home #john sheridan #delenn #dr. stephen franklin #john x delenn #needs to be The Hero x needs to be The Heroine #we love them #and we’d love their impulse control… IF THEY HAD IT #we all know Franklin loses his shit when he finds out about it #“YOU HAD ONE JOB REGARDING YOUR HEALTH AND YOU ABANDONED IT COMPLETELY. I ASKED ONE THING OF YOU. ONE. SINGULAR. THING.” #“I AM TRYING TO RECORD YOUR PREGNANCY TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITIES AND YOU JUST ADDED AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF VARIABLES!”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for completely ignoring a very long and thought-out apology message?

TL;DR: Abusive ex sent me apology after two years of silence and I’m not sure I want to acknowledge it.

So I was in a very abusive relationship with my ex for around a year. I’m going to try not to go into too much detail, but I tend to ramble and this is a hard topic for me so I’m sorry in advance if this ends up super long.

When we started dating, it was great for the first six months or so. I noticed certain things that made me question if she could have BPD (intense jealousy, sudden mood switches, impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour) and encouraged her to speak to her therapist about it. She eventually did and was diagnosed with BPD, but she wasn’t able to get on medication for another few months. After that, everything seemed to just… completely spiral. She started to control who I could speak to (I was only allowed to be with friends for an hour, and if I was even a few minutes late she’d be blowing up my phone accusing me of cheating etc. and ignoring me for days), she wanted me to cut off every friend who didn’t like her or warned me about the relationship and would accuse me of disrespecting boundaries if I objected, she would shout at me 24/7 (e.g. we’d be talking fine, she’d tell me she had a headache, I’d say I was sorry, and she’d suddenly be yelling that she didn’t need my pity and that I was patronising her), she constantly tracked where I was and who I was with, she lied to me constantly about things both major and minor, and by the end of it she was physically aggressive. This eventually culminated in her cheating on me, me giving her another chance (zoinks), and her cheating on me again less than a month later with a man she knew had SA’d me in the past. After that I just couldn’t take it anymore and finally got the courage to leave.

This unfortunately made everything worse. She split on me - basically a BPD thing where your opinion on someone goes from love to hate or vice versa in an instant - and she made it her mission to make my life hell. For almost a year and a half after our breakup, she was sending things to my house, to my family’s houses, she was stalking my social medias and sending me death threats from burner accounts, all of her own social medias became solely dedicated to talking about me, and then the worst part - she knew I wanted to go to college to become a primary (elementary) school teacher, and so she called up the college I was going to attend and told them I was a pedophile. She went all out with this accusation and was posting it all over Twitter, messaging my friends, getting her friends to post it - it was crazy. Thankfully it did not actually affect my education because I explained what was going on and I had evidence that things she was saying happened were false, but it was a super terrifying and stressful time.

While that was going on, she used the fact I was an SA victim against me - at one point she told me to “shut up and go get raped again”, and another Tweet she made accusing me of being a pedophile was followed up with “Shame you’ll never get that teaching job, I hear they’re not so kind to people like you in prison”.

Making everything more confusing is the fact that every few months it’s like she’d switch back - she’d send me an apology message, tell all her friends it was a lie, get back in contact with me and tell me she was on meds and going to therapy and everything was getting better, and then a few weeks later she’d be posting about how abusive I was again and blocking me everywhere. It felt like there was nothing I could do - if I ignored it, she’d step it up to get a reaction, and if I did acknowledge it, she’d step it up anyway because I was reacting.

Finally, FINALLY, I threatened to get a restraining order and everything stopped.

Almost two years pass and nothing. I’m now happily engaged to a wonderful girl who was my best friend throughout that whole relationship and knew exactly how affected I was by it. I’m going to therapy, was diagnosed with PTSD, and have been slowly moving on. I still have nightmares about her, and sometimes things will get me (e.g. a few months ago I saw someone who looked like her on TV unexpectedly and had a panic attack), but things are good. Much better. I was thinking of it all much less, I wasn’t dedicating energy to it, I wasn’t even angry or upset anymore, it was just a past lesson I’d learned and didn’t need to worry about anymore.

Then last week I wake up to a message. Again, it’s been two years.

Now, this message was LONG. It was from my ex, apologising for everything she’d done. It was a genuinely nice message and clearly had a lot of thought in it. She said she knew it was selfish to message me when I’d moved on but that she had things to say for her own peace of mind. She said she was happy to see I was engaged, that she’s done a lot of self-reflecting and healing. She said she tried to date again and ended up “karma’d “ - that the relationship was scarily similar to ours but with her in my shoes this time - and that it had made her realise just how disgusting her actions had been and how badly she’d fucked me up. She made it clear she wasn’t looking for forgiveness or to reconnect, just to apologise.

Part of me is mildly skeptical because of the fact she’d apologised multiple times before and it never stuck, but the two year gap and the way it’s phrased makes me believe this is truly genuine. She seems to have matured and changed as a person.

Thing is, I just… can’t bring myself to respond. Every time I go to do it, I remember things she said or did to me and just can’t. I feel like if I just responded and said no hard feelings and explicitly told her I have moved on and am doing better, I could give her the same closure that this apology might eventually give me. It would be closing this chapter for good for both of us and I could just never think about her again.

And yet I just. Haven’t. I’m scared to open the window of communication again in any way, I’m scared it’ll be taken back, I’m scared that this will take me back to square one because she’s put herself back in my life (even tangentially) and now I’m thinking about her again after so long of trying so hard to heal.

So WIBTA if I just… didn’t acknowledge it? If I let her essentially wonder forever it it was ever seen or read because I just don’t know what to do about it, even if I’m potentially keeping closure from her for my own comfort?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[hausofneptune]

songs that give me the same energy as these aspects/placements — alt. edition [4]

[astro notes no. 016]

༊*·˚ ˗ saturn square neptune (synastry) | granite — sleep token

when you sit there acting like you know me acting like you only brought me here to get below me never mind the death threats, parting at the door we’d rather be six feet under than be lonely and if you had a problem, then you should've told me before you started getting all aggressive and controlling you only drink the water when you think it's holy so keep an eye on the road or we will both be here forever

— this is an aspect that can signify a fair amount of tumultuous energy within a connection. specifically, there tends to be a clash between the neptunian's free-flowing, romanticized outlook on life, and the saturnian's rational, accountable approach. there can be a great level of idealization of this relationship, usually on behalf of neptune. neither party here can really “see” the other for who they really are. what saturn sees in neptune is potential, which isn’t inherently negative on the surface, but it begins to fester into frustration, as saturn solely views neptune from a place of what it is that they want them to be, instead of who they truly are. as a result, neptune can begin to feel confined by saturn, and potentially even ashamed of their true nature and identity.

— ultimately, working through an aspect like this requires effort and compromise on behalf of both partners. neptune will have to learn to approach the relationship with a grounded perspective, and grow to maintain balance between their heart and their head. saturn on the other hand, has to learn to be more considerate of neptune’s feelings, and guide them from a place of love and understanding instead of control. these two usually will feel very indebted to one another, and that energy paired with a more “evolved” approach from both parties can make for a long-lasting connection where the two learn a lot about one another, and more importantly, themselves.

༊*·˚ ˗ aries or scorpio in big three / mars as the chart ruler | killpop — slipknot

her canvas doesn't leave a lot to fantasy but her peace of mind can't stay inside the lines it's so confusing, the methods that she's using she knows she shouldn't leave a mark that i can see will she ever find one million of a kind? it’s cold and lonely, but that's because she told me lost inside her dirty world no one hurts this pretty girl but her

— those with prominent mars energy in their chart tend to be defined by their intense, passionate nature. these natives have an insatiable flame that burns within them, and that energy generates a “heat” that doesn’t go unnoticed by those around them. they’re also extremely dedicated to attaining their desires by any means necessary, and while this can be a beneficial characteristic, it is possible for the more malefic side of mars to kick in and push these natives to a point of self-destruction. their risky, impulsive nature can at times back fire on them, and may even influence an attitude of “i’d rather be the one doing the burning, rather than be the one getting burned”, even if it means burning themselves in the process.

— this is an attitude i see with more unevolved scorpio placements, due to their fixed modality they tend to harbor resentment that can at times fester into this tendency to view life through the lens of past, painful experiences. and not to make this point about an entirely different song (lmao), but it also makes me think of the line from SZA’s Seek & Destroy where she says “now that i ruined everything i’m so fucking free”. there’s a level of control that martian people can find in the more “destructive” sides of themselves, and this destruction can also manifest in a literal sense, as people with mars aspecting the ascendant specifically can have prominent scars on their bodies or encounter injuries more frequently than the average person. although, mars’ influence tends to speed up the recovery for any ailments they have, and grants them a high amount of stamina as well.

༊*·˚ ˗ venus in virgo or pisces (composite) / venus in the 5H (synastry) | my understandings — of mice & men

i don't mind it, i don't mind if you're overrated or if you're staring at the edge of the world keep in mind that i’m a sore eye with blurry vision but i can see it has to be your love that i’ve been dreaming of and if we climb this high, i swear we'll never die

— when venus is in virgo or pisces in the composite chart, there’s usually a intense dedication that both parties have to the relationship and to one another. while virgo and pisces are opposing signs, i personally find that they can be similar in the ways in which they show up in love. these are two signs that are defined by their inclination to be of service to their partners, they have the capacity to see things in their loved one that others may not see and their partner themselves may not be able to see. where they tend to differ, though, is their practicality. both virgo and pisces are mutable signs, but virgo's mutable energy manifests in more of a precise way. venus in virgo in the composite indicates love that is expressed by more tactful means, it's a love that says "i see your potential, i see your worth, let's grow and evolve together". whereas venus in pisces in the composite is more spiritual in nature, and says, "i will meet you wherever you are, i will shape myself into the person that you need most in order to get us where we both need to be".

— i touched on venus in the 5H synastry in my last synastry / composite astro notes post, but i bring this placement up in relation to this song because it's also indicative of this sense of seeing one's partner through rose-colored lenses. the "potential" that these two see in one another has more to do with their shared creative interests, especially on behalf of the venus person. venus tends to be very dedicated to the 5H, and will typically "idolize" them due to their admiration for their talents and artistic vision. this is a placement where discretion is needed, as their can be a tendency for one or both parties to approach the relationship from two completely different standpoints at times.

༊*·˚ ˗ pluto in the 10H / pluto aspecting midheaven | frances farmer will have her revenge on seattle — nirvana

in her false witness, hope you're still with us to see if they float or drown our favorite patient, a display of patience disease-covered puget sound she'll come back as fire to burn all the liars leave a blanket of ash on the ground i miss the comfort in bein' sad i miss the comfort in bein' sad i miss the comfort in bein' sad

— while these placements can be indicative of an intense determination in relation to one's career and public affairs, it is also very possible for this to manifest as someone who is viewed as polarizing by the public. and i do want to note that i'm not at all trying to trivialize what frances farmer or kurt cobain went though, but it is worth acknowledging the fact that frances farmer had pluto in her 10H, and kurt cobain had pluto square his MC. these are placements/aspects that can signify someone who tends to be extremely ambitious in their approach to their professional life, and despite the hardships they can face on their journeys, they ultimately tend to have a long-lasting impact on the public.

— i find that people with pluto in their 10H / aspecting the midheaven are typically more renowned and celebrated in death, but while they're alive they're often unappreciated or even hated. these natives may find themselves subjected to scrutiny, mischaracterization, and even abuse by the public. the lives of both frances farmer and kurt cobain are very much indicative of that. we view frances farmer in present time as a victim, and we view what she went through as a horrific tragedy, but while she was a live she was nothing more than a hysterical, misbehaved woman who deserved what she was put through. whereas with kurt cobain, every facet of his life and identity was picked apart. he's now viewed as an icon, and specifically a figure who inspired an entire generation, which is ironic because he quite literally never wanted to carry the weight that came alongside that, and it was ultimately one of the things that arguably led to his own demise.

༊*·˚ ˗ saturn aspecting IC (synastry) / ruler of the 2H in the 7H (composite) | million dollar houses (the painter) — pierce the veil

would you ever try to leave me for somebody who deserves you most? 'cause darlin’ i am just a painter i’m painting houses for the rich old folks i’m gonna make a million dollars 'cause nobody's gonna steal you, no for diamonds and gold, for diamonds and gold ‘cause i’ve broken bones for you, and for you only i make money but we just can't keep this home give me your heart and your hand and we can run

— with these aspects/placements, matters of physical security play a significant role within the relationship. with saturn aspecting the IC (square or opposite specifically), one or both partners here can struggle with feelings of anxiety in regards to maintaining a stable foundation with one another. these feelings could stem from their own personal experiences growing up, as one or both parties may have grown up impoverished or with less than others in some capacity. this can also indicate a domestic life marked by feelings of restriction or inadequacy, both in terms of their personal lives and the life that they've curated with one another. one or both partners may feel as though they cannot meet the demands of the other, and it can trigger feelings that are reminiscent of what they experienced in childhood.

— having the ruler of the 2H in the 7H in the composite (or saturn trine, sextile, or conjunct the IC) can manifest in less strenuous ways. while the significance of material security is still present in the relationship, it can show up as both partners maintaining a balanced, similar approach to finances and stability. both partners usually approach the relationship with an innate, grounded understanding of their own personal relationship to money and their own material possessions, which allows for ease in navigating these matters with their partner. the ruler of the 2H in the 7H in the composite can also indicate financial gain through their partnership, especially if the planetary ruler is a benefic like venus or jupiter. it can also indicate a pair that is very protective of one another, and at times difficulties surrounding possessiveness, depending on the full context of the composite chart.

༊*·˚ ˗ sun / moon in the 12H | sleepwalking — bring me the horizon

i’m at the edge of the world shere do I go from here, do i disappear? edge of the world should i sink or swim, or simply disappear? your eyes are swallowing me mirrors start to whisper, shadows start to sing my skin's smothering me help me find a way to breathe time stood still the way it did before it’s like i’m sleepwalking

— having the sun or moon in the house of self-undoing is absolutely not for the weak lmao. people with these placements struggle to navigate life or express themselves the way that the rest of us do because they are quite literally on a completely different plane of existence than us. the 12H is the house of "death", both literally and figuratively, and people who have these placements (specifically sun in the 12H) are here not only to aid others through the transitional, spiritual experience that is death, but they have to walk themselves through that experience as well, over and over and over again. these are placements that may experience multiple rebirths or "ego deaths" throughout their journey, and it can definitely take a toll on them mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.

— this is why it benefits these natives to have some form of a spiritual or religious practice that keeps them grounded and focused. otherwise, they can begin to harbor pain and resentment, that ultimately leads them to work against themselves. at their lowest, these natives can feel as though they're not actually really "here", it may feel like they're walking through life without actually existing, in a sense. these are usually themes that these natives experience more so in youth, but with age and growth, they do eventually in time find their purpose and are able to maintain meaningful, flourishing connections with others, but most importantly, with themselves.

disclaimers | masterlist | ask

#astrology #astro notes #astro observations #astrology notes #astrology observations #astro community #astroblr #astro placements #birth chart notes #birth chart placements #synastry placements #synastry observations #synastry notes #composite chart #composite chart observations #synastry chart #saturn square neptune #aries placements #scorpio placements #mars astrology #mars aspects #mars placements #venus in virgo #venus in pisces #venus in the 5th house #pluto in the 10th house #pluto square midheaven #pluto astrology #venus astrology #saturn ic aspects

[crashcitycentral]

[ Concept: Bart uses the Camcorder Preston gave him to leave Preston a message vlog style that he’s given after his death, cause the concept was there but never touched and I want Preston to know his best friend didn’t just disappear. ]

Bart sets up the camcorder on the top book of the stack on his desk, angling it to face the chair he had sat in front of it. It was the one Preston gave to him, and he finally figured out what he wanted to record. A little memo for Preston to find.

He flips open the screen and presses the power button.

The video starts with Bart’s arm still outstretched to the camera, tongue stuck between his lips as he fiddles around with the controls. “Oh. The red means it’s on, right? Shoot!” The clip cuts to static for a few moments before it’s back again and this time he’s in his chair.

“Got it to work! Man, technology here is so confusing. Nothing like from my time.” He shakes his head. “Hey, Pres. you may know me as Bart, or daredevil Allen. If you’re seeing this, well, I’m guessing I’m not around anymore. But that’s okay! I probably went out super cool.”

“Man, where to start. I guess I wanted to tell you my secret but I didn’t know how. Max says I have to keep it hush hush but. I dunno, I don’t want to. Not from you.”

“Carol knows, though she kinda figured it out. It was an accident really, I ain’t never been too good at this secret identity stuff but here goes. I am Impulse.”

“Saying that finally is… wow. I’m sure you have a lot of questions so I’ll try to go over everything in this before i run out of space on this rinkidink camcorder you gave me. Er, no offense.”

“The Flash is my Grandpa and second Flash is my second cousin, once removed. I was born in the year 2980. Crazy, right? That will probably make some stuff I did or said make sense now, huh?”

It cuts again, this time to him upside down in the chair, back on the seat and feet kicked up in the air. “I want you to know you’re my best friend. Which is why I’m tellin you all this.”

“Max isn’t really my uncle, but he is my Guardian after Wally… anyways, he’s got superspeed too but he like, never uses it. Lame. He just coaches me on the sidelines. And Helen, she’s great! Like my big sister. She’s Max’s daughter but doesn’t have powers.”

“Oh! Y’know my dog, Dox? He’s got super intelligence! Not entirely sure how…”

“The first superhero I was friends with was Grant. Er- Damage. He’s cool, you’d like him a lot. I haven’t seen him much nowadays.”

“I’m on a new team now. ‘Young Justice’ they call us. Awful name, right? Like hellooo, we’re trying to get out of our mentors shadows. I’m not even a sidekick!”

“I met Rob on a skii trip before we met in the masks, can you believe that? He’s smart. Like Carol. I hope they never meet or we’d be doomed!”

“There’s superboy. He’s kinda like the block-head jocks at our school but he has moments where he’s okay.”

“Wondergirl is awesome! I saw her pick up a car a few days ago. Wish I got it on camera for you, you’d love it.”

“Secret and Empress are really cool as well. Secret is like, super nice and matches my energy. I don’t know if you’d know who Empress is, she just joined us, but she’s got a sword! Won’t let me use it…”

“There’s Slobo, he’s a pretty rock and roll kinda punk, pretty sure he’s goth or somethin. One of them head-whippin’ screamers we hear on the banned radio stations.”

“There’s this girl, Arrowette. She’s like, my superhero best friend. Or maybe I just befriend blondes.” He pauses a moment and looks up at the camera. “You’re still my number one, though.”

“Even with all these heroes and powers, you, Carol, and Roland are… different. I dunno how to describe it. It’s like… you’re normal, and treat me like I’m normal, y’know? We’re just kids when it’s us. No responsibilities.”

Bart goes quiet and the tape cuts again to him stacking cards into a tower. “I’m not really sure what I’m expecting to happen to me. Max says I’m ’danger deficit’, whatever that means. I just want you to know that.. I’m not really gone? If I have to go away for a mission somewhere far away or if I fall through a wormhole, you’re still my best friend.” He huffs a sigh, the breath knocking down his cards.

The next cut shows him juggling a rubix cube, bouncy ball, and boomerang. “Did you know I have a brother? Yeah, me neither. Remember that time my mom visit? Well, she’s from the future too, like me. She told me she had another son named Owen who’s in this century too. Think I’ll ever get to meet him?”

“I never met my dad but I heard lots bout him from Mom and future Grandma. He was killed right after I was born by my other grandpa. Sprocked up, huh?”

“There’s my cousin Jenni! You remember Jenni, right? She was my partner for the talent show last year. Her hero name is XS and she works with superheroes in space! It’s awesome, right?? That’s where I met Brainy too. He’s kinda mean but in a funny way.”

He’s back in his chair again, chin propped on both his palms and legs kicking out under him. “Grandpa says he doesn’t believe in me. Wally says I’m annoying and negligent. All I wanted..” he shakes his head and covers the camera with his hand.

He’s up again, this time wearing his Impulse suit, holding his arms out like he’s showing off. “Cool, huh? Batman named me Impulse, though he said it was a warning. He’s kinda a stick in the mud, but the whole ninja stuff is cool. Too strict for my taste though, I wonder how Rob puts up with it.”

“I guess I don’t have much else to say. I hope you get this someday and I’m not making a fool of myself, talking to a camera for nothing. Don’t tell Max. I’ll see you later, Pres.”

The video ends.

#bart allen #preston lindsay #impulse #let my boy be happy #fixing plot

[starlitangels]

DTR

So, between the Dinner Date video and the sleep aid video, Vincent’s title changed from just “A Flirty Vampire” to “Your Flirty Vampire Boyfriend.” But we never got the conversation in-between resulting in such a change. The DTR (Define the Relationship) as it were. This is the Vincent and Lovely I was brainrotting for and posted about two days ago! Told ya it was still coming! 1.5k words (almost exactly!)

—

“Vincent?” I called the second I stepped through the door to the house. I kicked off my shoes in the pile of both of ours that intermingled next to the garage door.

Zip! “Hey lovely. How was class?” Vincent asked.

I smiled. “It was alright,” I replied.

His expression fell a little. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just have had a lot on my mind, that’s all,” I replied.

Vincent bit at his lower lip, like he was trying to decide how to respond to that.

“Vincent—can we talk?” I asked.

If he wasn’t already so pale, he would have lost all the color in his face. “O-of course. If that’s what you want. Sure. Do… do you wanna sit down?” He gestured toward the living room. I nodded. He led the way to the living room and perched on the very edge of one end of the sofa. I plopped down on the other end, turning to face him. He twisted to make sure he was facing me too. “What… what do you want to talk about?”

I swore under my breath. “I’ve been thinking about this all day but, now that the moment is here I’m kinda freaking out,” I said.

“Are you thinking about moving out?” Vincent looked heartbroken, but I already saw reluctant acceptance forming in his eyes.

“No!” I exclaimed. I swore again, quietly. “Look. I’ve been living here for a while. And I’ve really enjoyed it. You’ve been a great person to live with.” I sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth. “I just think I’m ready to talk about…” I closed my eyes to fortify myself and opened them again. “Us.”

Vincent’s lips parted in surprise. “Okay,” he said softly.

“There… there’s no beating around the bush with the fact that I’ve found you attractive since the night we met,” I continued. That sparked a tiny smile on his face. “And our little cat-and-mouse game was fun. Teasing, flirting. I enjoyed it, before—” I didn’t finish that sentence. I didn’t have to. The way Vincent’s jaw clenched showed he understood. “Dancing around my non-belief in vampires, I wasn’t sure, back then, where we’d end up. I thought the vampire thing was mostly just messing around. I liked… God, this feels embarrassing to admit. I liked the way your little coy smirks made my heart flutter. That time I came home and you were just on my bed, the impulsive part of me would have run away with you right then if you asked.”

Vincent laughed quietly. “It wouldn’t have come to that,” he remarked. “I’m perfectly content to stay in Dahlia.”

“I know. But the fact remains that I would have. I wanted you that bad.” I took another deep breath. “And then… then Adam.” I swallowed hard. Vincent’s face turned sad. “And I had to reassess everything. I had magic I’d never known about, borne out of me by trauma that I’m still recovering from.” I licked my lips, realizing how dry my mouth was getting with all the talking. “But, in the wake of that, you… you stepped up in a different way. I know some of that was fuelled by guilt. I maintain that it wasn’t entirely your fault—if I wasn’t a dumbass and went back to the park after you told me not to, it could have been avoided. I know you don’t see it that way. And that’s fine.

“But you let me stay here. You opened your home to me when mine no longer felt safe. You’ve held me when I woke up from nightmares more times than I can bother to count. You’ve helped me take control of my life back and helped me find resources to heal.

“All while asking nothing in return. Expecting nothing. Just… giving me space.”

I closed my eyes.

“All of this to say, Vincent—I do have a point, surprisingly—I’ve really appreciated everything you’ve done for me. I’ve loved getting to know you the normal way. I’m grateful you’ve let me set the pace of this, pushing nothing on me. I can’t imagine a lot of other people would have done the same to the degree you’ve done if they were faced with the same circumstances.”

Vincent reached out as though to set a hand on my knee, but rested it on the couch cushion near my knee instead. Never touching without permission. “It’s been the least I can do,” he said.

“No, it’s not the least. It’s a lot. And I don’t want you to think it’s gone unnoticed.”

“Well, thank you,” he said, sounding awkward. “But I don’t think I deserve it.”

I put my hand on top of his. “Vincent,” I said. He immediately tensed under my hand. “We’ve started a good thing, this little life we’ve carved out with each other. I’ve loved it. Making dinner together, going out for dessert. The little things. I… I still really like you, Vincent. It should come as no surprise that I still find you incredibly attractive. You are. You’re handsome and you’re kind and gentle and sweet and I’ve never minded the flirting. I liked it before Adam, and I still do. I appreciate that you backed it up a little. I needed that. But now…” I swallowed and took a deep fortifying breath, steeling myself to make sure I was brave enough to say the words out loud.

“Now I think I’m ready to try being in a relationship with you, if that’s what you want.”

He blinked slowly at me. “Lovely…”

“I… I’d like to be your partner, Vincent. If that’s… something you’d be down for.”

His mouth hung agape. “Can… can I kiss you?” he whispered.

“Please,” I breathed.

He was beside me on the sofa in an instant, cradling my face gently in both his long, slender hands.

Delicate and tender, he brushed his lips against mine. Barely enough to qualify as a kiss. Careful not to go too far. Completely ignoring the shock of static electricity that snapped between us from my new powers.

Just that tiny speck of contact left us both a little breathless. He pulled back just enough to meet my eyes. His were wide and his lips were parted. In the half-light of the living room, that we hadn’t even bothered to flip the switch to see, his pupils were dilated wide, nearly swallowing the silver of his irises. But not the same black his eyes had become when he snapped in the park and drank my blood. That had been predatory and all-consuming. This was different.

I tried to calm the raging beat of my heart in my chest, staring back at him with a similar expression. Our breath mingled in the air between us, hot and heavy.

At the same moment, we lurched toward each other and crashed our lips together. His mouth was strong, but gentle. Never pushing against me too hard. I grabbed at his shoulders, pulling him as close to me as I could get him, not resisting when his hand found my thigh and hooked it up over him until I was straddling his lap.

Tongues got involved only seconds after.

But when Vincent’s hand started to tug up my shirt, I grabbed his wrist and pulled away. “Wait,” I whispered, panting. “I… I don’t think I’m ready for more than this, yet.”

He nodded, breathing hard, and withdrew his hand. “Okay,” he said. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. You’re still setting the pace, lovely.”

Swallowing, I nodded. “Thank you, Vincent.” I rested my forehead against his. He breathed deeply as our eyes closed. The hand he’d withdrawn from my shirt cupped the side of my face, and we just stayed there. Calming down our racing heartbeats.

“I’m, uh, I’m guessing this means I get to introduce myself as your boyfriend, now?” he asked. I peeked one eye open to see a playful grin on his face. Almost teasing and impish, but not quite.

“I’d like that, yeah,” I said. He breathed a laugh.

Through my peeked eye, I saw him open his wider. “When did the… did you turn the lights on?” He looked around.

I leaned up. The lights were all on. The overheads and the lamps on the end tables.

“No?” I said.

In that moment, they all shut off. My magic caught in the Core in my chest.

Vincent threw his head back against the backrest of the sofa and laughed. “You are amazing, lovely.” He brushed my cheek with his thumb. “I’m grateful for this chance you’re giving me. I don’t plan to ever take it for granted. Nor the feelings I have for you.”

“Me neither. I’m excited to give this—to give us—a shot.”

“I am too.” He smiled that charming, flirtatious smile of his. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Please do.”

He leaned up and met my lips, his fingers gentle but firm on either side of my face. I would never get over the feeling of his lips on mine.

—

Tag list: @zozo-01 @thegoldenlittlerose

#Redacted ASMR #fic #Redacted Vincent #Redacted Lovely #Vincent Solaire #Lovely #Vincent #Redacted Audio #Starlit Fic

[gywin97]

I’ve been re-reading some of my favourite HP fics as I wait for HL to come out, and I love how you can tell which house the author is in based on how they’re ‘fix-it’ fic goes:

Gryffindor

-          Massive, Avengers-style epic final showdown between Voldie and Harry

-          Golden Trio + Neville

-          “Harry no-” “Harry YES!”

-          Harry Potter / Ron Weasley have absolutely zero impulse control and it’s giving Hermione high blood pressure

-          Weasley Twins! Weasley Twins!

-          The Order is like 60% Weasley it’s basically gingers against fascism

-          Dumbledore is powerful but angry Minera McGonagall is terrifying

-          Sirius Black has more than five minutes of screentime.  

-          Remus Lupin is the one responsible adult in the room

-          “There’s no need to call me Sir, professor.”

-          Slytherins are all baddies, no redemption arc for you

-          Umbridge get’s GOT

-          *Draco makes a Weasel joke at Ron* Hermione: “You were literally a ferret.”

Ravenclaw

-          Harry visits the library and learns more spells than goddamn ‘expelliarmus’

-          Sassy!Harry, Smart!Harry,

-          The fuck kinda school is this??!?!

o   *See’s moving staircases* Really, right in front of my OSHA regulations?

o   So they’re really just letting anyone teach DADA, huh?

o   Susan Bones / Kingsley Shacklebolt shows up and lays down the law

-          Callouts for every plothole, and I mean EVERY plothole.

-          Someone notices the SOUL FRAGMENT living in Harry’s forehead

o   “Harry Potter must die” “Ok but have you tried literally anything else???”

-          Using magical gadgets (Time Turners, Sneakoscope, etc) and the Room of Requirement

-          Actual pagan rituals sprinkled in for flavor (Samhain, Yule, etc)

-          Witch  Wizard Wixen

Hufflepuff

-          Everyone lives / nobody dies, Happy Endings, Found Family

-          Characters actually sit down and deal with their TRUMA

-          “My cupboard-” “Your what?”

-          Harry is a sweetheart, polite to everyone

o   This includes Filch / House Elves / Goblins

o   no one can say no to his big green puppy eyes, sorry that’s illegal.

o   Snape/Minerva see’s Lily’s eyes and have emotions

-          Someone (Often Pomfrey) notices Harry’s abuse and takes action.

o   *Smacking Dumbledunce with a rolled-up newspaper* What! Were! You! Thinking!?

o   Harry gets adopted, and his new guardians are outside the Dursley’s house holding baseball bats.

-          You get a redemption arc, you get a redemption arc, EVERYBODY GETS REDEMPTION ARCS!!

Slytherin

-          Harry is a Slytherin / befriends Slytherins.

o   “Slytherin will never accept Harry Potter!” *Ten minutes later* “We’ve only had Harry Potter for a day and a half but if anything happened to him we’d kill everyone in this room and then the Dark Lord.”

o   Slytherin kids get personalities besides ‘mean’ and ‘henchmen’

o   Blasie Zabini is always a slut. I don’t know why this is universal, but it just is.

o   Theo Nott is always the nerd.

-          “So are we just gonna just not talk about the Chamber of Secrets or…?”

-          Fuck this, Fuck the Ministry, Fuck the Wizengamot, here’s 60 reasons why

-          BAMF Narcissa Malfoy

-          Harry gets a pet snake and regularly speaks Parseltongue

-          Severitus or Mentor!Snape:

o   Severus Snape hates James Potter but he hates child abuse more

o   “So I live with my aunt Petunia-” “Tunie?!?!”

o   The Eyebrow of Doom

o   Harry learning more about his mum than her eye color

-          Severus Snape ends up with a small pack of children following him around and he’s not sure how that happened but Merlin help anyone who fucks with them

-          Dumbledore call-out

-          It’s not dark or light magic, it’s just magic

#Harry Potter #slytherin #Gryffindor #hufflepuff #ravenclaw #hogwarts legacy #fanfic

[rurpleplaysmuttingtonac]

Sophie had been stunned into silence when Jordan had approached her and begun to smooth talk her. She’d been very anxious from the bus ride but now that a sexy bloke was chatting her up, she’d felt her nerves recede. He’d had the choice of two other women, two who she thought looked more beautiful than she could possibly be, but he’d picked her.

What if he was her soulmate? That one that she’d been searching for all these-?

Her thoughts cut off with a painful shock when the youngest looking woman with red hair, locked lips with her would’ve been beau.

She scowled, looking down and gulped audibly, trying not to burst into tears. She was an idiot, she should've known better than to think a man that hot would want her, for her, not because she was a woman.

Jordan was just as shocked as Sophie had been when the redhead had shyly come up to him and kissed him without even a word spoken.

“Err, hi” he said, not one to turn away a beautiful woman.

“Hey” said the quiet and softly spoken Lucy. “You’re a great kisser, you know?”

He smirked “I can do better than that, darling.”

Sophie huffed from behind him but he didn’t hear her. Sophie wanted to walk away but some errant thought compelled her to remain there, to see what the heck was happening. 

“Don’t be like that” Benedict said, taking Beatrice’s hands in his own. She was pleasantly surprised by how soft his hands and how gentle his movements were. “I’m sorry, I acted impulsively. But, you might already know this, but you’re the hottest woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on! I’d love to get to know you better.”

“I bet you would!” Beatrice said, trying and failing to roll her eyes. “Many men want to get to know me.”

She was flattered and his gaze seemed sincere and tender as he looked at her. That look was something she wasn’t used to, usually it was a look full of desire as they looked her up and down. But here, with Benedict, he seemed quietly taken with her in a - dare she even think it? - possibly romantic way?

In a bid to distract her own hope - the fuck was wrong with her?! - she tried to ignore the flutter in her chest as he held onto her hands. 

“Well usually, I would ask you out” Benedict admitted, and she was touched to see a slight pink in his cheeks. Was he blushing? 

He continued “But you lot aren’t allowed out of the premises, so unfortunately I can’t. I could make you a better offer though...if you were interested..?”

“Isn’t this against the rules?” Beatrice asked, trying to sound stern but failing. He rose an eyebrow, silently asking her to elaborate. 

“That you’re trying to seduce me, one of the participants to this bullshit experiment you say we’ve agreed to?” she explained.

“If I was only trying to seduce you, then we’d already be in bed together” Benedict told her confidently. Surprisingly, he sounded like a man in awe of her, rather than a crude remark which is what it should’ve sounded like. 

The blatant confidence and that fact that he was in charge, the leader, in control, was a turn on for her. Beatrice had to bite her lip to not drag him  upstairs herself. 

Control yourself, she told herself as she reluctantly let go of his hands. You’ve been here five minutes, no need to conform to the reputation all those city wankers think I am!

Lucy had been hoping to head upstairs with Jordan as a shocking daring had overtaken her. She wasn’t a shy girl but she felt average and boring. 

But seeing herself in a new environment, where none of these people knew who and where she’d come from, made her want to struggle free from the religious shackles she’d been in her entire life. 

All Jordan could think was what it would be like to kiss Beatrice. He now had a moment as he saw that Benedict was heading out of the front door for work.

#Muttington AC #Asylum Challenge #TS2 #Benedict Jones #Nigel Garcia #Beatrice Ramirez #Sophie Edwards #Ricky Brown #Jordan Jackson #Lucy Hernandez #Martin Phillips #Part One

[frodo-with-glasses]

Aragorn and Boromir, 1, 2, 5, 8, 11, 15?

1. “When I think they became friends”

As with many other relationships here, I’m not sure you could point to one singular moment as the official “starting point” of the friendship. I think Aragorn and Boromir’s mutual respect (and annoyance) for each other was more of a gradual thing, slowly building over the course of their time together in the Fellowship.

But if there was one singular Bonding Moment that really helped things pick up speed, I think it was probably that miserable hour of brute-forcing their way through the snow on Caradhras. Nothing says “brotherly bonding” like being freezing and tired and sore and soaking wet and still having to shove your way through snow together with the Power of ManlinessTM!

2. “My favorite scene of them”

It’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it little detail, but I love the fact that Aragorn calls Boromir over to help him carry Frodo and Sam after they escape from Moria. Both of the hobbits are wounded and can barely stand on their feet, and Aragorn’s first thought—after apologizing profusely for not attending to them sooner—is to do what every man of Gondor apparently wants to do and Pick Up The Halflings, and he calls the only other man of Gondor in the Fellowship to help him. “You with the muscles! Help me pick up the smols.” I dunno, it’s just cute ☺️

5. “A scene I wish we had of them”

Boromir seeing Aragorn become king. I just…yeah. Boromir has a lot of hang-ups concerning Gondor and leadership and all that, but I think he would’ve been delighted, in the end.

8. “Who I think is the crazier one”

My gut reaction is to say Boromir, by nature of him being an extrovert with low impulse control and a bad case of Foot In Mouth disease—but Aragorn’s crazy is stealth crazy, and only pops up when you’re least expecting it, and that’s almost scarier.

11. “Which of the friends can I relate to more?”

Definitely Aragorn. Boromir, as aforementioned, is a big blustery extrovert, but Aragorn is an introvert and the Tired Dad and sometimes it feels like he’s the only sane man left herding a bunch of children (or feral cats) and honestly all of that is a huge Mood.

15. “If I would want to be friends with them”

You know what, I think this is the first time that I’m actually gonna have to pass on one of these characters. I feel like Boromir and I wouldn’t get along. Not because I resent him for succumbing to the Ring or anything, no; I’m old enough to forgive him for that.

It’s all his other personality flaws that rub me the wrong way. His pride. His tactlessness. His lack of sensitivity to cultures other than his own. That chronic case of Foot In Mouth disease, as I said earlier. And not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it takes me a while to warm up to loud extroverts. People like that tend to demand more emotional energy than I have available; and that can create frustrating situations where I’m cranky because I feel drained, and they’re cranky because they feel like I’m no fun.

I’d be happy to be friends with Aragorn, if he’d have me. But it would probably be better if Boromir and I keep our distance. We’d probably like each other more the less we interact.

FRIENDSHIP ASK GAME!

#ask game #aragorn #boromir #lord of the rings #lotr #my writing #plz forgive me boromir fans but you have to admit that he is. A LotTM.

[the-archiveology]

Series Title: Cyberpunk: Edgerunners

Genre: Action Anime, Sci-Fi, Fantasy

Are you a fan of Cyberpunk? Or maybe a fan of sci-fi-fantasy action anime? Or all of the above? Well, here’s the perfect netflix anime series for you, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners. Before we proceed, we would like to give you a huge disclaimer and warning that this review will have lots of spoilers so if you’re planning to watch the series and you don’t want to know any spoilers, then I suggest you stop reading right now.

Anyway, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners is an anime series based on the video game Cyberpunk 2077. It takes place in a Night City overrun by corruption, crime, and cybernetic implants. There you’ll meet David Martinez, the protagonist, who is a rebellious, impulsive yet smart street kid. He lives with his mother in the slums of the city. His mother, Gloria, worked as an emergency medical technician (EMT) and sells high-priced and rare Cyberware she took from the corpses to edgerunners. An unfortunate car accident happened to David and his mother which took her life away. From then on, David changed and decided to be an edgerunner. 

The emotional trauma David experienced led him to a drastic physical change in his body. This is also because he’s an edgerunner. Per episode, you can see that David upgrades his Cyberware until the very end. The more he upgrades, the more he makes use of Cyberware that is too much for his body. However, this doesn’t mean that he’s a different person. Let’s relate it to the concept of change. Change is constant. In the last episode, you can see that David’s cyberware body was enhanced, enlarged, and had a lot of implants similar to Maine’s in order to defeat Adam Smasher. He also used an experimental exoskeleton which couldn’t be reversed once implanted. David didn’t care whether or not his body gave up on him. It was mind over matter. All he had in mind is to protect his loved ones (edgerunners team) and avenge those who he had lost on the way (his mother, Dorio, Maine, Rebecca) and that was enough for him to try to survive. He is willing to risk it all like sacrifice his body (matter) just to make sure that he will be able to avenge the loss of his mother and protect his remaining loved ones and friends that he considers as his family.  It was also shown in previous episodes that David was more of a mind over matter person since he was impulsive and did things to get his way, no matter how much damage it can cause to him, Because for David, he believed that he was going to die soon. He already accepted that, that is his fate. David died with honor and in his moments of death, Lucy was the only person he had in his mind. 

In connection with this, David Martinez is mostly related to the theory of self as body, self as consciousness since as mentioned earlier, he’s a mind over matter person. Even though the theory states that there is a linkage between the body and mind, the latter has more control over the body. Just like David, he follows his mind more than his body. He doesn’t have much care for his body which explains his impulsivity in upgrading his Cyberware. Thus, leading him to his demise. 

If we were asked what theories of the self a Filipino resembles, we’d say the theory of self as passion and desire. At a young age, most Filipinos already have a vision of who they want to be in the future. Some already picture themselves as athletes such as future professional basketball players or boxers while others view themselves as professional singers or dancers wherein they are more than willing to give their best to achieve their dreams or to become what they want themselves to be in the future because it is their passion, it is what makes them happy, and their talents are their weapons to get out of poverty. Just like in the Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, wherein the majority of the people wants to become edgerunners since they live in a city wherein the people are obsessed with technology and body-modification and those who have money are the only ones who have the right to put food on their table, to enjoy healthcare, and experience fair law.

And that would be all for now, Chooms!

[bifuriouswaterbender]

Fuck it i have no impulse control. Banity, 26.

Send me a ship (or fandom) and a number between 1 & 100, and I’ll use my Spotify Wrapped as fic inspo

26 - A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me - Fall Out Boy

This... got away from me. Note for random readers: This is based on a very specific version of Edgar Bones and Emma Vanity from the Recreancy rp that closed this fall.

“We can’t trust her.”

“She’s already betrayed us.”

“She came here with the plan to betray us!”

“Who’s to say she didn’t come clean now because she knew we’d catch her soon.”

“I don’t buy her story either. Seems like she just wanted the boy without consequences.”

Edgar flinched. It didn’t matter what kind of gains he’d made recently. How many missions he’d already run successfully. How much people trusted him to do the right thing in a tough situation. He’d fallen for the spy and suddenly wasn’t anything more than the boy.

“That’s not fair,” Amelia snapped, and Edgar could have hugged her for it. “If she came clean because of Edgar, it’s because she knew he’d figure her out sooner or later.”

As eyes turned to him, Edgar cleared his throat. “For what it’s worth… I don’t think it was always the case, but I do think she genuinely wants to flip now. We’ve shown her the truth of the war. And besides, she’s terrified of them. She wouldn’t risk crossing them if she didn’t fully believe in our cause.”

He didn’t add that perhaps it was really because her brother fully believed in their cause, and she’d do anything to try and keep Elliot safe. The other Order members might think it was about Edgar, but it wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t. He was just the fool she’d convinced to let her in.

After the meeting, someone decided he should be the one to tell her, so Edgar strode across the house to where Emma had been made to stay, undoing the locks passed over her bedroom door.

“You’ll be staying here for a while,” he said, trying not to look at her directly. Every time he did, Edgar wanted to cry, and he was sick of feeling weak, of feeling vulnerable. “They want to get information first and verify it, figure out if you can really be trusted anymore.”

There was a lump in his throat, but Edgar forced himself to talk through it.

“You’ll see Moody the most probably. Caradoc too. Perhaps Robyn if she has something deemed safe enough to try.” He really didn’t want to look at Emma as he said that. He’d been against the idea. It had been tabled as a ‘we’ll see’ scenario. Elliot will be allowed to see you on occasion but only with supervision.”

He hesitated, finally looking at her directly. “No one wants you to feel like a captive, but… Well, it’ll take time before you can be trusted again. If you can be. I hope you understand.”

Emma was looking at the ground, but she finally glanced up, those large eyes that had initially drawn him in capturing his heart all over again. “And you?” she asked softly. “Will I see you?”

“I…” Edgar squeezed his eyes shut and took a breath. “I don’t know. I have a lot to think about.”

Emma nodded, though it seemed more for her own benefit than his. Her voice was shaky as she added, “I’m sorry. But you’ll take care of Duke?”

Edgar turned away. He couldn’t do this. He was about to start sobbing. “Yeah,” he managed, his voice cracking. “I’ll take care of Duke.”

He kept to his word. It was clear the big oaf didn’t know where Emma had gone, but he’d always been a loving dog. He’d taken to Edgar right from the beginning, and perhaps that was why he seemed to content to hang out at Edgar’s, to go without seeing his owner. Duke probably thought it was some kind of vacation filled with walks and a new bed.

Eventually Emma had proved herself. Edgar tried not to count the days.

“Can he… Can he keep staying with you?” she asked quietly. “I’m going to be living here still for a while. Moody thought it would be— He wants me to check in every day. To stay close.” Those damned eyes. “Duke needs more freedom than he could have here where he’d have to stay cooped up to avoid being under foot.

“Yeah,” Edgar said, not letting his eyes linger on her mouth. “He can stay with me a little longer. Elliot comes to visit him sometimes.”

She made a noise like he’d just shattered her heart. “Good. They both deserve it. I… I’m sorry.”

He brought Duke to headquarters sometimes. No one was heartless enough to suggest Emma didn’t deserve to see her dog. They did suggest Edgar should untangle himself.

“You’re going to get your heart broken,” James advised. “It can’t be easy seeing her this often.”

Edgar just snorted. “You of all people should know I can’t walk away.”

James didn’t say anything in return. He did throw a box of dog biscuits Edgar’s way the next time they crossed paths.

It was Amelia almost a month later who pulled him aside and asked, “Are you going to give her another chance?”

“I doubt that’s a good idea.”

His sister’s expression softened. “That doesn’t mean you don’t want to.”

He closed his eyes and let her pull him into a hug. She may have been shorter than him, but Edgar did a good job of curling himself up against her shoulder. “I keep wishing I could go back in time, but I can’t even settle on what for. Do I want to stop her from joining us? From joining them? From ever entering my life?” He hesistated but forced himself on. “Do I want to stop myself from falling in love?”

“You’ve always cared too much too easily,” Amelia said.

“Trusted too much too.”

She squeezed him hard, the hug reassuring in its ability to push the air from his lungs. “Kindness isn’t a weakness. You’re too good for this. I don’t mean better than. I mean too good.”

Edgar was sobbing in his sister’s arms before he had time to process.

He still brought Duke to see Emma the next day.

“I’m sorry,” she said as he clipped the leash back on to leave. She always did.

“I’ll see you later.”

“It’s too late, isn’t it? I’m not going to get another chance.” Emma’s breath sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Edgar couldn’t even bring himself to be mad at her for it. “I’ve already made you hate me.

“I couldn’t hate you if I tried.” He had. He couldn’t even manage to stop loving her.

#rp writing #banity #my writing

[carolinemillerbooks]

A new post (Song Of Myself) was published on Books by Caroline Miller.

https://www.booksbycarolinemiller.com/musings/song-of-myself/

Song Of Myself

Aug 17, 2023

Marie Antoinette courtesy of wikipedia.org

After a brief meeting with a woman I’d just met, I returned to my apartment and was surprised to find her email waiting for me.  She accused me of having been rude and wasted no time in telling me. Bemused, I shrugged, having had the same impression of her. The difference between us was that I chose to let the matter pass.

Judgments formed on first impressions are often unreliable. Two of my friendships arose from disagreements. Had I shut these people out of my life, I would have lost years of trusted companionship. Not wanting to slam friendship’s door on a stranger, I apologized to the offended woman who likewise had offended me.  We shall see what comes of it.

A perceived slight often kickstarts the primitive brain, sending it into defensive mode at the speed of impulse. Nature has its reasons. A quick response to risk enhances our survival.  To move swiftly at a shadow’s fall will leave the lion hungry. Unfortunately, lacking subtlety, impulse makes no distinction between self-preservation and ego.    

We aren’t to blame. The seat of Reason, the prefrontal cortex, evolved later in humans, about 400,000 years ago, making it an infant compared to the primitive brain’s 1.8 million years.  Little wonder the two authorities have little commerce with one another.  The younger brain is deliberative, not emotive.  It pursues cognitive capacities such as language, imagination, and complex decision-making.  Its capabilities enable us to create art and make discoveries in science, and technology.  

Mathematics is born of the prefrontal cortex, for example. With it, not only have we envisioned a fourth dimension but have learned to tease three-dimensional material from it.  Simply put, we are on the verge of brave new worlds where, like gods, we will control swaths of nature, including seismic eruptions.  Given what we know about the new and old brain, it’s senseless to ask what the pre-frontal cortex has in common with the primitive brain or vice versa.

Religion proves to be a frail conduit between the two. Born before science and mathematics, it sought to comprehend the universe without Reason’s higher powers. Conjoined to the primitive mind, it satisfied our prehistoric curiosity by creating a human-concentric view of the world. Unfortunately, when we made ourselves the center of the universe, we gave ego license–a consequence that allowed ignorance and knowledge to coexist.

If a loving philosophy had been the outcome of this union, what harm could there be?  But ego makes no distinction between right and wrong, so righteousness has as much influence as kindness.    

                    Christians are supposed to be at the tip of the spear in alleviating poverty, especially when it comes to other believers.  That doesn’t mean, however, that we are under any obligation to help indolent bums.  Such people are not entitled to our generosity.  They have chosen the path of poverty.

Because ego once played a crucial part in our species’ survival, we should be grateful for it. Even so, Reasn is quick to point out that because it exists out of necessity, we were never at the center of the universe nor was the earth exclusively designed for us. Nature prefers diversity. Without the honey bee, we are nothing.

As a species, we’d be wise to acknowledge that while ego serves our well-being, it also impairs judgment.  One wonders what Orwellian mind could have designed such a mixed blessing. Those who succumb to self-love are at the mercy of a rabid dog.  Those who resist find themselves consumed in an endless scuffle to keep the beast at bay. 

Over the years, I’ve engaged in many struggles with my darker self and believe I have made inroads. Today, all I ask of my fellowman is a hymn of praise for the words that drop from my pen, and a chance to nod with pleasure should any admirer choose to scurry before me tossing rose petals at my feet.

[legendaryinternetpersona]

The Demise of my Mother: Live and in Technicolor!

With each passing day she drifts further from us... well, from me. That last vestige of my former life in living form. The constant. The guiding, albeit neurotic, star. 

My brother didn’t call her on Mother’s Day. It is likely to be her last Mother’s Day with us and he’s clearly in denial and primed for an epic collapse once she ultimately passes. 

My dad knows she was the love of his life now and feels terrible about everything he did wrong to her and doesn't have words to express it, since he doesn't speak feelings so much, so he just avoids the entire situation, as is his usual modus operandi. 

I made a video today. I found a nice park by the river and poured a bit of my heart out. I just have so many exceedingly valid reasons to be sad in life, but also a great many reasons to be thrilled to pieces about life. And it’s a whole lot to take in at times.

While I miss and worry about my children I’m also grateful that I don’t have to worry as much as their father does currently about their care and upkeep while I attempt to right this ship that is my life, for the first time in my life. 

I was primed and ready to move in with one of my girlfriends as an au pair for her two high functioning autistic step kids but I’m unsure, after last night, and witnessing her bipolar in all of it’s terrifying glory. Echoes of my ex when he was drunk and ‘excited’. It had my alarm bells blazing. Klaxons sounded in both my ears. it was ... jarring, to say the least. I need to try and figure out a way to talk to her about that because, to hear her boyfriend tell it, she's doing that to the boys too. Now all the snark from the oldest towards her and solicitude of the youngest makes much more sense. And my mama heart breaks for those boys. But I’m also afraid this will be the end of a friendship I and her both very much treasure. 

I’m currently sleeping on a couch owned by a wonderful friend of mine. Inhabiting a corner of his living room with my writing desk. A corner graciously sacrificed by his daughter, who didn’t use it for her artwork anymore. Instead she does her art on her phone, and on a computer, lying on her bed. And I think she writes some too. I’m unsure. She’s 13 and guarded. Same age as my daughter. 

I feel like, in another dimension, her and my daughter are friends. Just like I feel like, in another life my children are friends with my girlfriend’s step children. They’re all the same ages.  And my oldest would come over and “babysit” but really we’d just be giving him money to come over and be the awesome older brother guy that he always is... I just feel like they would all get along. They all have similar traumas. With the same origins. All of it mother wounds. Parental pain I wish so much I could heal. If only I knew how. May the Good Lord see fit to guide me with the right words, and help me to hear His direction. I want to help so many people. A heartbreakingly overwhelming number of them. But I also refuse to do the emotional labor of everyone else. I will do my best not to offend but I will not compromise my values... and ...about those.... I’m not as sure. I still need to define those, specifically. I have a pretty solid idea what they naturally are, and what I want to tweak but I need to sit down and... that’s another post. 

I’ve been doing good with keeping up with my journaling lately. I’ve struggled with my impulse control, and on working on my goals. I’ve been scrolling, largely blindly, and driving around, trying to avoid the awkward of this house these days. When I’ve not been working, that is. 

My wonderful friend, who is putting me up and keeping me fed, and is so sweet and kind, is woefully and desperately in love with me, after a fashion. He loves me enough to want my body but not enough to stop destroying himself, which is the criteria I already stated for me to be able to even consider him as a candidate for a mate. I can’t watch someone I love do that again. I thought I told him this. I feel like he maybe missed that conversation. Or he was drunk. Things are... strained. I haven't figured out how to broach the subject again yet. I’m so scared he’s gonna kick me out, or something. Even though I doubt very seriously that he would. I’m pretty sure he’s a good honorable fellow. I will keep the internet posted for all my zero readers, as things progress. 

******************************

The man just made me cry. I sobbed. Wept real tears over the poor downtrodden little redheaded boy he was, absolutely desperate for his mother’s love and denied it when he needed it most, to the point where he now loathes himself and by extension, existence. An attitude which has somewhat infected his daughter as well. Depression can be a learnt behavior, as I myself am an example. It is so excruciatingly heartbreaking, listening to him putter around the house muttering to himself “no one wants what you have” and “no one cares, why are you even talking?” and I hear it and I’m like “Please, I care, and it pains me to hear you speak so cruelly about yourself” and he just says “this is my way” and I just... All I can see is that little boy, deprived the love of a stable mother, forced to be honorable, even to his own detriment, for the duration of his existence. And I cannot love him the way he so desperately desires to be loved. What he wants is his mommy back, he wants his childhood back, he *desperately* needs therapy. Will he ever go to therapy? HA, no. He will not. He doesn't love himself enough to do that, which is why I can't love him. I cannot force myself to endure another front row seat to a slow motion suicide. No matter how beloved the person may be to me. I just can’t put myself through that again. You have to love you as much as you want me to love you. I can’t do that for anyone.  So he takes that as an ego injury, I think... If he truly understood it at all when I attempted, I think I attempted, to explain it again, but he was drunk again tonight too, which is another huge trigger for me that I don’t particularly want to live with, and im so scared to broach any topic that might possibly be touchy when someone has been drinking. And thats another thing he’s completely disinterested in stopping, along with the smoking.... all these things I so badly want to stop doing to myself, that I am surrounded by, in everyone I know. They’re all so unhealthy and it hurts my heart.... 

And I’m back on the vape again. Mom doesn't know, but I do, and so does my body, and God, so I’m lookin askance at me and my frustrating lack of impulse control and I want to correct this issue post-haste. I want to correct all my issues. 

The story of my relapse is rather funny though. I mean, I think it’s funny. In a morbid, funny oh no kinda way. Mom has been sleeping more as I mentioned. I’m quietly falling back on my largely ineffective and deleterious coping mechanisms of overt muscle tension, nicotine consumption, delta/thca vape abuse and doom scrolling. I even caught myself entering Publisher’s Clearing House again even though I’ve been told a bunch of times that’s never gonna happen and I need to give it up already (I've already won twice, small prizes, but still). But anyway, already in near freefall relapse, bumming hits off every vape, or known vaper, I see, I worked the Breaking Benjamin show the other night at Thompson Boling. Benjamin himself left his lil blu brand vape on the drum riser, along with two nearly full packs of gum, and I pilfered the lot of it as we cleared everything off after the show. The whole shebang, took. I had no shame. I knew the roadies were just gonna chunk all of it, none of it was special. The man had a brand new, fresh charged vape on the bus, 100% bet. And probably enough gum left at the end of that tour to get him through the rest of the month, even with an avid chewing habit. Plus which he’s a ding dang rockstar and I’m verifiably impoverished victim of the state, as well as larcenous junkie for nicotine, apparently. At least I seem to play one on the stage that is my life at present. Benjamin himself acted as an agent of Satan for me that night and he didn’t even know it. Was completely unaware. And I bought more pods for it today. Even after writing down, on paper, just this morning, that *that* was exactly what I had decided NOT to do anymore, that was the line, the rule: ‘no more spending money on inhalable nicotine’, to be followed by ‘no more intentional damage to the lungs’. And then I rationalized the whole thing in my head to excuse this breaking of that rule, not even 18 hours later, even knowing that everything I want in this life and the next lies on the other side of this addiction.... 

Well shit, I guess the story isn't all that funny. It’s actually pretty sad. 

...like the rest of my life, at present, from most angles.

*****************

#growth #Healing Journey #nicotine #addiction #abuse recovery #recovery #honest #enthusiastic #determined #writer #mom #motherhood after 40 #neurodiversity #adhd #cptsd

[itismissswann]

@conjurerandking || continued from here

He pouted a little, looking slightly annoyed. Maybe it was his instinctual protective nature. “I have no doubts that you cannot handle your own, but I fear that you are blinded by something.. whether it be hollow faith or love. I cannot speak for either, nor for you. But I have been around many men like him, it does not take me long to see through their veils.” He whispered, keeping his voice low so that just the two of them could hear the exchange.

Then. They were silent. The tension was growing, and her stare bored holes through him, but he gave it right back to her. He didn’t blink, not once. He was confident in his decision to judge the captain, and he would stick by it.

Finally her words broke the tension and he sighed. “Never said he was bad, just untrustworthy.” There was a difference. Loki wasn’t a bad guy, he just.. couldn’t be trusted. Didn’t make him a bad person by any stretch, even if he was trying to change how he was. To make up for his wrongs in the past.

“He does a lot for himself. Not really for the good of others. Don’t you think he would have explained why we are on this voyage? Why would a captain care about a crew member’s agenda. Certainly, and no offense, a woman?” He asked. “He’s so full of himself, Elizabeth you must see that.” Because he saw himself in Jack Sparrow. “This Jones fellow sounds like someone who you don’t want to run into out here… so why are we going into the proverbial lions den looking for trouble? I would think we’d want to change course to stay as far away from him as possible.”

❝ah, thank you for explaining so fully❞ Elizabeth said, jaws still clenched, trying to contain her fury.

She couldn’t help it, and momentarily lost herself at his eyes, enigmatic yet so expressive. He was just flawless in his bone structure, his skin was like silk over glass and somehow she couldn’t deny admiring his intelligence too. She had never been this intrigued by a man and she silently cursed him for that.

There was no arguing this time, looking for a potential enemy was a very foolish thing to do. ❝I’m afraid I can’t fault you on that statement ❞ Elizabeth surrendered. Jack did indeed act on selfish impulse. She knew he would endanger others without second thought when it came to his ship or his freedom, causing him to be a selfish man. She realized she had been too naive.  ❝but wouldn’t I be considered an even bigger fool if I trusted a total stranger?❞  Elizabeth took a step back allowing some distance between them again, wondering if she had been asking the right questions.

❝You have given me little to no reason to trust you. So what if I choose not to trust you?❞  He had stirred her competitive edge, the one that didn't lose and hated being out of control.

[thatbpdbitch]

What a more fitting introduction to me, than the ever reoccurring abandonment issues.

*Disclaimer: I may use official terms occasionally but I am speaking from my own personal experiences.*

My partner, let’s call them Seven (fun fact they’re the seventh person I’ve dated). We’ve been seeing each other for about five months, which for many is nothing, but for me it’s enough for them to be my entire world aka the world crushing attachment, Favourite Person (FP).

Many people without BPD/EUPD, throw around the term like it’s nothing but for me they are my entire world. My day doesn’t start until we talk or see each other. They are the only person I can focus on. If things are good with them, I’m on top of the world. However, if things are bad, my entire world is collapsing. (I’m not oblivious to the fact it sounds like how a teenage girl acts in her first relationship by Hollywood standard.)

Things are bad right now, very bad. We had our ups and downs, as all couples do, but seemingly out of nowhere they said the words no one wants to hear “We need to talk”. Now, mentally stable or not, this phrase is gut wrenching.

We weren’t due to see each other for a few hours but as soon as I read that all too familiar text, I knew they were going to leave. Even if they weren’t, because I associate that phrase with such, in my mind it was predetermined that they were leaving.

We called and they explained they have so much things going on in their life that they couldn’t handle a relationship right now. (*Ding ding ding* one point to abandonment issues). They wish to keep me in their life but strictly platonically.

Their terms: - A strictly platonic relationship

- Less contact but we should talk once a day, to stay in contact

- No staying over nights together

- No saying “I love you”

- I can see other people (but they supposedly won’t and want me to wait two years for them to get back together)

Now, I immediately hated this as they had all the control. I hung up on them, started hysterically crying (you’d think a family member had died but in my brain I’d rather be dead than live in a world without my FP, losing them is losing a part of me.) I had to see them on my terms, a desperate grasp at control.

We meet up and eventually agreed, we would revert to the way things were before we were officially dating. We’d see each other less, wouldn’t call every night, wouldn’t text as often, staying over maybe once a month but any of my BPD bitches know, at that point I would have agreed to anything to keep them in my life.

Now that I’ve had a little bit of time to myself, I hate this. I was perfectly comfortable with the amount we were together and our dynamic. (Also a fun little thing, they said they’d been thinking about this for two weeks, during which time we were seeing each other, staying overnight, being intimate, saying “I love you” a ridiculous amount , etc , and there was no indication that they essentially had decided they were going to break up with me by then)

Unfortunately, that’s the end for now. I can theorise the whys and what ifs (we all know I will) but I will really only know what they’ve said to me. I only have control over me, myself and I right now (and even how much control is debatable).

So for now, I guess that was my silly little introduction to me and my life.

*BPD: Boderline Personality Disorder (know known as EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), according to The National Institute of Mental Health “is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.”

*FP: Favourite Person. There are many definitions but simply put it is an intense attachment to a person (possibly more than one). You typically rely on them for your comfort, validation and security. More often than not, you can’t see a life without them. Bliss counselling says; “The difference between a best friend and a favourite person, is related to the intensity of the thoughts that surround this person.”

#actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd stuff #bpd shit #eupd #attachment #fp bpd #mental problems #mentalheathawareness #mentally unstable #mental illness

[harestigm]

Eaten up by guilt, even if we did do it to save us we sacrificed someone important in the mix.

The monster, scaly, slimy, and terrifying, rears it’s ugly had, snarling, drooling, and hissing at me. I can tell it wants to eat the world whole. I can tell it is confused. I can tell it feels unsafe. It snarls again, hackles raised, ready to bite, attack, defend. Anything to keep itself safe. On the inside I wonder, what could’ve happened to make it feel like this? To make it behave this way?

And then I remember.

When I was younger I loved animals, I always wanted to nurture and nurse them back to health, to me it felt good, maybe a little dystopian, but good. I loved animals so much I wanted to be veterinarian. But…When I first got my smallest ever animal, small compared to dogs at least, I wanted to hurt it. I wanted to hurt it. I didn’t think much of it, because I was young and impressionable and since my Dad was always hunting and fishing and just, y’know, doing his thing. I marked it down to simple influence.

And it doesn’t have to be as complicated as I’m making it right now. But, now that I look back on it, maybe I wanted to hurt it because I felt I was not in control. Because I felt that I was being made into something, passed on and lonely, small and fragile. Just like the small and fragile animal, I saw myself in it. And I hated that. It ended up dying because I got it from petco (petsmart and petco do not take care of their animals, we’d brought it to the store when we noticed a lump and they said natural causes, I doubt it but I didn’t have enough money for the vet, he died in my arms and I bawled my eyes out). I did not hurt him in any way, I had lots of fun with him and I did not impulse buy at all because I wanted to be the best home him had. I saved up and got ready to take on the world of dwarf, short haired, hamsters. And I loved him. I cleaned his cage every week with watered down vinegar and made sure he had everything he needed. I never put my hands on him apart from when we would play outside of the cage.

I guess in the end I just wanted to feel heard, my dad had always gone by the notion that children should be seen and not heard, I had a loud, big mouth, but I never used it, in fact I don’t think I ever talk as much as I do know. And even then I shush myself so I don’t blab. I was hurting so bad I wanted to hurt someone/something.

I guess that’s only one of those things that made the monster snarl.

#tw animal violence #tw abuse #not a vent #just a rant #🎸 #🌸

[theminecraftbee]

“So,” says Mumbo.

“So,” agrees Grian.

“Any of you figured it out yet?”

“As much as I appreciated the hug, if I could figure out how to move again, I would,” Scar says. “There comes a point when a man needs a little personal space!”

Pearl threads her fingers through the part of Scar’s suit that she’s carefully holding on to. “We could all just let go.”

“No, don’t do that,” Scar says. “Not until you can control where you’re going.”

The five members of Boatem are currently all tightly huddled around Scar, vaguely squished between them, as they hover through the void. Earlier, in a moment of solidarity, they’d managed to all collect around Scar, and stop arguing.

Now, however.

“You know, if you keep on elbowing me in the chest -”

“I’m sorry, Grian, but you’re literally right behind me. I can’t do anything about it. I’m trying.”

“Try harder, Impulse!”

Now, they’ve run into the problem that none of them can figure out how to do it again.

“You know, it might be fine if we let go,” Mumbo says. “I mean, we are in the void. We’d probably be attracted to each other again by gravity, I think.”

“...what? We aren’t planets, Mumbo,” Grian says.

“Oh, I know this one! Everything has gravity, it’s just negligible on planets. But now we should have gravity ourselves, since there’s no planet to override it!” Scar says. He attempts to excitedly wave his hands. Pearl attempts to duck, but does not do so before Scar hits her in the face. “...whoops.”

“Shouldn’t the Uno cards be orbiting us then?” Impulse says.

“Are they? I have been trying not to look at them,” Grian says.

All five of them immediately crane their heads to attempt to look at the Uno cards. Honestly, Pearl thinks, its sort of hard to tell what they’re doing. They don’t seem to have moved much, really, other than to have continued to drift in the directions they have momentum. If Pearl had to guess, she’d say they weren’t orbiting them? But she doesn’t know how to tell.

“I think they’re just kinda floating,” Mumbo finally says.

“Does that mean we don’t have gravity?” asks Grian.

“That would break physics,” Mumbo says, and then stops. He looks down. He scratches his chin. He looks up again. “Which, you know? Honestly, not the weirdest thing to happen to us. I think breaking physics is fairly normal, all things considered.”

“Cool,” says Impulse, in a tone of voice that suggests it isn’t actually cool. “Actually, no, I don’t like that? Are you sure that’s how that works?”

Pearl gets the sense that none of them are actually going to help her figure out how to move again. Which is fine! It’s fine. They’ll figure it out eventually, and being next to each other for the moment is fine -

Scar nearly hits her in the face again.

“Can we just turn the gravity off?” she asks.

“Can we just turn gravity off?” Mumbo parrots back.

“I mean, sure. If we make it, I figure we could just hold our breaths and turn gravity off. Not literally hold our breath. But something like that,” Pearl says.

“And turn gravity off?” Mumbo says again.

“You know what, I’m down to try that,” Grian says. “It’d be like crossing your eyes or holding your breath, right? You have to actively think about stopping doing it right?”

“You understand me perfect, Grain.”

“Understand turning gravity off?”

Pearl decides to ignore Mumbo. She loves him, she really does, but ignoring him is often the best decision to get things done. Instead, she tries to think about turning gravity off. She isn’t sure what she will have to focus on turning off? Hm. Is it like... how did she get to Scar? Well, she’d really wanted to, and for a moment, she hadn’t cared about much else. Maybe she just doesn’t have to care about... something?

If she turned gravity off, would she be a solid thing, she wonders? Or would she be exactly as much void as everything around her, just with a vague shape? If she were just void, she supposes she could just - decide to be void over there -

She lets go of Scar’s suit. Be a void over there, she thinks, regardless of gravity. Okay. She can do that.

She moves.

She grins. “Yes!”

Mumbo sobs quietly into his hands.

“I can’t believe you turned gravity off,” Impulse says reverently, and Pearl beams.

“Thanks! Wasn’t too hard.”

Mumbo sobs a little louder.

#the continued adventures of the boatem road trip #a bee fic #i almost GUARANTEE my explanation of gravity here is wrong #however. i think that makes this funnier #the fact that i'm talking about a vague concept of gravity i learned in astronomy 101 and physics as a sophmore #because it just makes this argument even stupider. which is ideal for boatem <3 #the solution here had nothing to do with turning gravity off technically but you KNOW that's what they'll call it for the rest of the day #i want to make clear again that pearl didn’t just break physics so much as they were already broken #and also I DONT KNOW HOW GRAVITY WORKS THATS PART OF THE JOKE