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helloalycia · 3 years

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The Wrong Lifetime – Five // Wanda Maximoff

chapter four | story masterlist | main masterlist | wattpad | chapter six

author’s note: dying of cramps but didn’t wanna leave y’all hanging, so enjoy! x

Taking Wanda to Blackpool was something I couldn't stop thinking about for the past three days.

I kept telling myself that I had to remain calm, not make her feel uncomfortable with my obvious attraction to her, and to give her the best day out considering she'd never been before. It wasn't anything more than a girl spending time with her soon-to-be sister-in-law, and I had to keep reminding myself that whenever I'd feel a stir of desire in my chest at the thought her pretty smile or intoxicating gaze.

My family were thrilled when they heard of my plans with Wanda. My parents were glad I was actually making an effort to get on with her, whilst my brother was excited I was becoming 'best friends', as he put it, with his fiancé. That one stung a little, the guilt pricking my insides, but I convinced myself that that was exactly what I was doing. It wasn't wrong if I didn't think of Wanda in any way but what she was. Right?

The weekend came around quickly enough, and on Saturday morning, I met with Wanda at the train station where she waiting for me with an enthusiastic smile.

"I brought my watercolours and sketchbook so I can paint what's there," she explained as we boarded the train. "I also bought a lot of pencils in case some snap. I'm gonna draw everything I see so I don't forget a single thing."

We slid into our seats and I smiled with admiration as she continued to ramble about all of the things she wanted to do today. She looked so lively when she spoke, her hands moving about frantically to express her excitement, and her lips permanently etched into a smile when she wittered on. I didn't mean to stare, but God, she looked beautiful.

"Thank you again for doing this," she finished, head turning to mine.

Now, I'd read and written many clichés of someone falling for someone else, particularly the moment they knew they were too far gone. It was hard to believe if they were true depictions of liking someone, but I liked reading and writing them.

It was now that I learnt that they were no exaggeration, for when she looked my way with a beaming smile and glowing green eyes, I knew it was too late. There was no going back for my attraction to Wanda.

"No need to thank me," I spoke slowly, surprised I could speak at all since she'd knocked the breath from my lungs. "I'm glad you're excited."

The journey was a few hours long and we made conversation the whole way. It was the longest I'd spent alone with her since meeting her and I was intrigued by everything she had to say, hanging onto every word with all of my attention. If that wasn't enough, her accent only made everything she said sound so much better. She was naturally soft-spoken, but syllables rolled off her tongue in a silky, raspy way with her accent entwined in her words. I loved it.

At one point, the topic of our families came up and I felt like my brother came up in almost every conversation I'd had with anyone who discussed family, so I took this as my opportunity to get to know hers instead.

"What's it like to have a twin?" I asked, leaning on my elbow as I watched her attentively.

She mirrored my action playfully, though answered my question. "It's just like having a normal sibling, except they're way more annoying."

I smiled, imaging just how annoying Pietro could be as a sibling.

"I love Pietro, but he's very frustrating at times," she spoke with a hint of endearment. "He constantly throws it in my face that's he's older than me by twelve minutes. As if that makes a difference."

A chuckle flew from my lips as she pouted at her own words.

"But he's also my best friend," she said with a sigh, like that fact was irritating in itself. "He knows me better than anyone and he's the easiest person for me to talk to. I don't have to hide anything from him." She paused, glancing upwards in thought. "Well, almost anything."

Pursing my lips, I wondered what she meant as she mumbled the last part, but didn't question it. Everyone was entitled to their secrets.

"So, you and your family moved to England when you were kids, right?" I tried to recall what my parents had told me of them. "From Sokovia."

"Yes, we were about..." She scrunched up her nose as she tried to remember. "Eight years old, I think?"

"Wow, that's young," I realised.

She hummed in agreement, smile fading as her eyes fell to her hands. "Yeah... I don't remember much, but there was a lot of unrest at the time. A war. It was dangerous for everyone and my parents were lucky to get us out when they did."

I frowned, knowing some of this already, but it was sadder to hear when it was coming from Wanda herself.

"Our extended family didn't make it out," she continued to explain, voice quieter. "I didn't know them much, my parents' siblings, so it's not that sad for me. Pietro, too. But it's strange to think, you know? Especially when all of your family are around with this wedding and–" She sighed, shaking her head and looking to me with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring the mood down."

I straightened up, reassuring her instantly. "Wanda, you don't need to apologise. It's okay. I... I didn't know any of that. I'm glad you told me."

She nodded, though the regret was still present in her gaze.

"I'm sorry all of that happened," I expressed honestly, not looking away. "But I'm glad you're here, if it makes a difference. You– your family are good people."

A small, appreciative smile graced her lips. "Thank you."

I shrugged, trying to brush it off so she wouldn't notice the heat rising up my neck. "It's nothing... so Sokovia. You speak Russian and English. That's pretty bloody cool."

She laughed wholeheartedly and any hint of sadness disappeared from her face, reassuring me completely. I didn't like to see her sad, especially when there was nothing I could do to make her feel better that I knew of.

"I promise to teach you some Russian today," she said with amusement. "A few words, just to diversify your vocabulary."

"Gee, thanks."

Another laugh escaped her and I chewed on my lip to contain my grin. I could get used to that sound.

—

When we reached Blackpool, Wanda was radiating with excitement. We couldn't make it two steps anywhere before she whipped out her sketchbook and began to sketch. She wasn't kidding when she said she was going to capture everything she saw.

I was patient, since the reason we came was for her, and watched as she worked. It was cute, seeing her concentrate and trying to stop dancing around with excitement every time I showed her something new.

We walked along the promenade and dipped in and out of the shops, looking at the gifts and clothes they sold. We bought a few things to commemorate the trip, but then Wanda was quick to drag me back outside so she could sketch the view of the beach from where we were stood. The grin on her face was convincing enough for me to let her drag me wherever she wanted. She looked so happy and I didn't care about anything else.

Eventually, around lunchtime, we headed to a café to have a break from all the excitement. Or rather, a break from running around. For Wanda, it was a better opportunity to sit still and sketch some more.

"So, you're drinking what, Y/N?" she asked, not looking up from her sketches as she worked.

I looked at my tea and lowered the cup. "Er, tea?"

"In Russian," she instructed.

"Oh." I cleared my throat, remembering what she taught me earlier. "Chay."

"And what's in the chay?" she asked, lifting her eyes to meet mine patiently. "The milk?"

"Moloko," I remembered, and the proud smile on her face reassured me I was correct. My shoulders relaxed as I returned her smile. "Thanks."

"You're a natural," she assured me, before looking back to her sketchbook. "I only taught you the words. You remembered it yourself. And before you know it, ty budesh' govorit' polnymi predlozheniyami na russkom."

My mouth opened with confusion, not knowing what she said. She seemed to realise as she chuckled at my expression.

"Never mind, milaya (darling)," she said with humoured eyes, before resuming her sketching.

I breathed out, taking another sip of my tea before grabbing a fork to dig into my pasta. As I chewed, I watched Wanda move her pencil effortlessly, creating lines that somehow resulted in a perfect drawing of the horizon.

"Do you only draw and paint landscapes?" I asked curiously.

"I can do portraits, too," she answered with a nod, glancing at me. "But they're never as good."

I gave her a knowing look. "I doubt that."

She merely smiled in response, eyes meeting mine for a moment, before shaking her head with amusement and looking back to her sketches. I chuckled, leaving her to it as I enjoyed my lunch and read the newspaper.

It was nice to just sit and enjoy each other's company as we did our own thing. I'd occasionally glance up to see Wanda focused on her drawing and smile, allowing myself to appreciate the sight, before looking back down to the paper and enjoying my pasta.

By the time I finished my food, as had Wanda, she straightened up and tore a page from her sketchbook. The noise pulled me from my reading and I looked up to see her holding the paper towards me.

I quirked a brow, but she simply shook the paper, signalling for me to take it. With confusion, I took it and became speechless when I saw what she'd drawn. It was me reading the paper, the exact view she must have had from being sat opposite me. It looked exactly like me, probably better since I knew I didn't look that good, and I was amazed at her talent all over again.

"You did this just now?" I asked with disbelief, looking up at her.

She shrugged and distracted herself with her pencil. "Yeah, it's not much. It's not my specialty."

I scoffed. "You're kidding. Wanda, this is amazing!"

Bashful smile on her lips, she glanced up at me. "Maybe it's the best portrait I've done. But I think that's down to my subject."

Even when she was embarrassed, she was still capable of turning the tables on me, leaving me a flustered mess. It was like her superpower. A very annoyingly cute superpower.

"That's what you look like y'know," she continued, nodding to the paper in my hand. "When you're focused on reading. You chew your lip with thought. And you get this little crease–" she pointed between her brows with a laugh, "–right here, and you seem to forget that anything else exists."

A sweet smile spread on her face as she tilted her head, watching me with intimidating eyes, very much aware of the effect her words had on me.

"You're very observant," I said, trying not to stutter, her gaze making me nervous. "Perfect skill for an artist."

She hummed in agreement, though didn't look away. "Mere artistic observation, right?"

My heart was hammering in her chest the longer she stared, especially when her words dawned on me. I'd said the exact same thing after she confronted me about picking her ring. I wondered if she could hear my heart pounding in my ears.

Just like the first time I saw her, I was at a loss for words and couldn't look away. She was compelling, beautiful and remarkable all at once.

—

"Nebo," I said, hoping it was the correct word for 'sky' in Russian, as Wanda had taught me.

She grinned. "Yes! And horizon?"

I pulled a face as I thought carefully. "Er...gorizont?"

"The student is soon to become the master," she said, and I rolled my eyes, knowing that was anything but the truth. I appreciated her encouragement though.

"Okay, before we head to the beach, we have to buy some rock," I told her, leading her to the stall on the promenade. "I got it last time and it's so good."

She furrowed her brows. "What's that?"

I smiled at her expression. "It's a sweet. Kind of like boiled sugar that's formed into a stick of, well, rock."

She didn't seem convinced. "If you say it's good, I trust you, I guess..."

I laughed, grabbing her hand and tugging her to the stall. "You'll love it."

After getting two sticks of rock for Wanda and I, we began to walk to the sand. I glanced at the brunette, wanting to see her reaction. She eyed the hard candy before attempting to bite it, a small piece breaking off at the top. Crunching on it, she scrunched her nose up.

"It's hard," she noted, swallowing the piece. "Tasty, though."

"It's better if you suck on it, love," I let her know with a hidden smile. "Tastes much better."

She did as I said, beginning to suck on the top, and seemed to enjoy it more. Giving me a thumbs up as she sucked it, I couldn't help but laugh again. She looked adorable, so I left her to it and did the same as we walked along the sand and towards the benches in the distance.

Like a child experiencing something for the first time, she began to point excitedly at Blackpool Tower and the ferris wheel in the distance and I just kept nodding along, letting her get excited because it made my heart skip a beat every time she flashed me a smile.

When we reached the benches, I was glad that today wasn't a busy day. It wasn't exactly tourist season, so the beach was scarce of anyone but residents of the town. And even then, our side of the beach was pretty empty, giving us first dibs on a bench that wasn't broken or uncomfortable.

Settling on it, Wanda pulled her legs up and sat cross-legged so she could lean on them and pull out her watercolours. I sat beside her and leaned back, inhaling the salty air and exhaling peacefully. I never had much reason to visit here apart from when my parents took my brother and I on the occasional trip, but it was nice to appreciate the sound of the ocean washing over the sand and the seagulls squawking in the sky. A big difference compared to back home.

Another silence formed between us as she painted the water ahead, and I couldn't help but glance her way, watching her pucker her lips with concentration. All she'd wanted was this and I was glad I could finally give it to her.

So she wouldn't notice, I looked away and stared out at the blue expanse of ocean before me. I should have been appreciating its beauty, but all I could think about was how it was no contest to the girl sat beside me.

"I'm really glad you brought me here today," she said out of the blue after a while, "but I wouldn't have said yes if I'd known you would be bored."

I looked to her and saw she was still preoccupied by her painting. "I'm not bored. We came here so you could see the water and find some new subjects to paint. And that's exactly what we're doing."

She sighed, looking up at me with a questioning glance.

Smiling reassuringly, I said, "I like the quiet. And I like watching you work. You look happy. It's good to see."

She tensed her jaw, stifling a smile, but her eyes said it all. She was grateful. Of course, her eyes were also very easy to get lost in, even if she didn't mean for me to. And right now, under the sun, I found myself drowning in pools of blue.

"What are you thinking?" she asked quietly, a hint of a smile on her face.

Stupidly, I felt compelled to tell her the truth. "I'm thinking about how you have really pretty eyes."

Attempting to make me flustered yet again, her favourite hobby by now I was guessing, she raised a brow teasingly. "Oh, really?"

It didn't bother me this time though, as I maintained eye contact and felt my heart swelling with adoration. "Yes. It's like you hold all the elements in a single gaze."

Her smile faded and that's when I realised what I'd said, my heart dropping to my stomach in an instant. Swallowing hard, I looked away and shook my head. An apology was waiting on the tip of my tongue when she spoke with realisation.

"It was you."

I glanced her way nervously. "What was?"

She was staring like her mind was working something out and I was the missing piece. "The letter that Y/B/N gave me last week. He wrote the exact same thing. What you just said."

My brows knitted together with confusion, then it hit me. The love letter Y/B/N wrote. The one he assured me was for his own eyes. He'd given it to her. And I'd just gone and said the exact thing he'd written on it, no doubt passing it off as is his own words.

"Th–that wasn't me," I got out, shaking my head slowly. "I didn't even know he gave you a letter, Wanda."

She continued to watch me, eyes squinting with scepticism. I swallowed hard under her gaze, trying to think of how I could come back from this. But apparently I didn't have to, because she suddenly leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine.

My mind was foggy when her fingers rested behind my neck, tugging me closer. I closed my eyes, melting at her touch, and began to kiss her back, moving my lips against hers. She was slow and gentle with me, her lips as soft as they looked and sending the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy. I could have kissed her forever and been content, but my brain finally caught up to my actions and I reluctantly pulled away, stunned.

Glancing around to make sure nobody saw us – there was literally nobody here – I caught my breath and looked back to Wanda. Her eyes were drawn to my lips before they flickered to meet mine, darkened with desire.

"Why did you do that?" was all I could think to ask, and I was acutely aware of her fingers still grasping my neck, the skin burning where her tips grazed.

She licked her swollen lips, expression softening. "I think I've been falling for the wrong Y/L/N."

My lips pressed together, missing the feeling of hers against them. Never in a million years did I expect her to say something like that. I thought she'd been teasing me this whole time, but now, maybe there was truth to her actions.

"Did you really mean what you said?" she asked apprehensively.

"What?"

She swallowed. "What you said about my eyes. Did you mean it?"

Well, she'd kissed me, so there was no going back now.

I nodded, noticing the hesitance in her eyes. "Yes... you're beautiful, Wanda."

She didn't say anything and the silence was deafening. I almost wanted to run back home and pretend this never happened, but that was the cowardly side of me. The other side, the disbelieving side, wanted to stay here with her and keep living in this little bubble we'd created.

"Can I kiss you again?" she finally spoke, eyes flickering between mine for confirmation.

Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded slowly, and she didn't waste another second as she leaned in once again. This time, I wasn't so surprised, so I kissed her back quickly, trying not to think about how wrong this was. How I'd been taught that this was wrong. Because I refused to believe this was wrong, that it was a sin, when it felt so damn right.

Wanda felt right.

—

When I got home later that afternoon, I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

Wanda was all that was on my mind. Everything about her was floating around up there – the contagiousness of her smile, the brightness of her eyes, the taste of her lips. When I left this morning, I wasn't expecting to return with– well, I wasn't sure what we were, but we'd decided to give whatever this was a go.

Of course, she was still engaged to my brother, but I tried not to think about that. She made me happy and maybe in a different lifetime we could have been together, but this was the wrong lifetime which meant I'd have to make some wrong decisions, this possibly being one of them.

The guilt was still present, but the adoration I had for Wanda overpowered it. The fact that she actually liked me back was too thrilling for me to even concern myself with the lack of future this relationship would have. I just wanted to enjoy what we had whilst we had it, even if it meant being together in secret.

"So, how did your trip go?" my mum asked me when I returned, looking up from her knitting.

I stifled my grin the best I could. "It was fun. Wanda loved the seaside."

My mother seemed pleased as she smiled my way. "Y/N, that's great. You know, I'm really proud of you for making an effort with her. It means a lot to everyone."

"Mhm."

"She's going to be your sister-in-law after all," she continued knowingly, "so it's good you're spending time with her. Maybe you could do it more."

I hummed in agreement, my heart fluttering at the possibility of spending more time with Wanda. "Yeah, that could be good."

"Go on upstairs, you must be tired from the travelling," she said after a moment, noticing my distant headspace. "I'm glad you had fun today."

Wanda's smile appeared in my mind again, her lips ghosting my own. I sighed contently.

"Me, too."

#wanda maximoff au #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch imagine #scarlet witch #elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen imagine #elizabeth olsen #marvel #marvel imagine

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enby-hawke · 3 years

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The Lost Amell

Words: 1,084

This is my love triangle with Alistair and Leli that ends up poly eventually in Inquisition. I just gotta get this outta my system.

Read on Ao3

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Though Colette had lived in Ferelden most of her life, she had never seen much of the countryside. Her bangs pressed against the Hummer’s window, the rolling yellow hills blotted with red and white plumes of flowers that seeming to go on forever. Lake Calenhad glittered as the sun set upon it, the sky turning a beautiful meld of pinks and purples cut with the Circle tower’s sharp spike. She suddenly had an urge to paint to commemorate this moment, but Grey Wardens didn’t paint did they?

For a moment a memory of her childhood came to her, days in a Kirkwall mansion playing with her siblings in the garden where the city skyline had skyscrapers that reached for the Maker. As soon as the memory came so did the pain and she willed herself not to think of it, not to think of what could have been if things were different and she had been born normal. The Maker didn’t want that for her. She was a Grey Warden now, the ultimate soldiers. They did not flinch from their duty. She shouldn’t wallow. She’d be facing creatures of nightmare, erasing the stain of the Tevinter’s hubris. There was no greater calling. She should hold her head high and face her destiny proudly.

But she was terrified.

Duncan was a grizzled older man who had seen his share of war and though she asked a lot of questions because she was always interested at any chance to get an outside perspective, she never expected Duncan to take an interest in her skills. She wasn’t exactly a warrior.

But did he do it because he actually believed in her, or because she had a future of tranquilizing for releasing a blood mage?

Colette looked the First Enchanter in the eye and asked for the truth. When he told her Jowan would be made tranquil she stormed out and agreed hastily to the first plan Jowan and Lily spout out. She knew on some level their plan would fail. No one escapes the Circle. But she couldn’t let Jowan become a soulless husk. She couldn’t lose another friend like she lost Anders. She was so sure she was doing the right thing.

But now she wasn’t.

Still the Maker did save her. Duncan was sent to this tower when he could have gone elsewhere. He was willing to anger the Chantry and the Circle’s wrath by recruiting her and yet she didn’t know if this fate was punishment for her crime or the Maker’s mercy.

“Would you like to speak? You look troubled,” Duncan’s soothing voice spoke over the thrum of the car’s engine. He had surprising dexterity on the wheel for the armor that coated his hand and his face had many nicks and scars of what she must have assumed were close calls of the very monsters she was supposed to fight.

“I don’t suppose there’s a way I could stay in the camp. Heal the injured and get them back on their feet.” Colette felt sheepish asking and from the way the air tensed she knew she had misspoke.

“I did not recruit you out of mercy. I need you on the front lines. Your magic could keep men on their feet before they even reach those sickbeds,” Duncan said sternly. Colette hung her head, knowing that would be the answer and yet she could not contain the tremble in her spine. She returned to looking back at the sky wondering if this would be one of her last sunsets.

“You are frightened?” Duncan spoke it like a statement.

Colette nodded, folding her hands. “I’ve never liked fighting or arguing or…conflict of any sort.”

Duncan nodded, his face still stoic. “It is admirable to avoid conflict and fighting when possible, but know that that is not possible with the darkspawn. Their violence can only be met with violence, so while I will not dictate your training and what spells you master, it might behoove you to learn to protect yourself.”

Colette nodded. “We didn’t learn to fight in the Circle. It doesn’t make sense. They send us to war all the time, but they don’t teach us to fight.”

Duncan nodded solemnly. “Though it is not my place to say how the Circle is run, I quite agree.”

Colette looked behind them where Duncan’s rifle was strapped in it’s case. “Are you going to teach me to shoot that?”

Duncan raised a dark eyebrow in amusement. “Are you not confidant with your own spellpower?”

Colette shrugged. “I’m pretty good with lightning but what if I run into something that’s strong against that? What if my mana runs low?”

“I suppose I can teach you some basics but your time might be better spent honing the skills the Maker gave you. I hear from the First Enchanter that you were training to become a spirit healer under Senior Enchanter Wynne?”

Colette wondered if she would run into the Senior Enchanter at the Camp. Though no one could replace her Mother, Wynne had come close over the years guiding her on her path along with the the First Enchanter. She knew that the First Enchanter saw her as a failure now. Would Wynne too? “I have yet to find a spirit willing to Bond with me. I may not be worthy of the honor.”

Duncan shook his head. “I meant what I said to the Knight Commander and First Enchanter. It is a rare person that would risk so much for a friend. I’m sure there is a spirit out there that recognizes your worth. Keep that conviction. I think you will do the Grey Wardens proud.”

Colette found a soft smile on her lips, his words a comfort even if she didn’t quite believe them. Then a thought struck her. “So, now that I’m a Grey Warden does that mean I can have contact with my family again?”

Duncan’s full lips thinned. “The Blight comes first. Though I suppose if you survive the Blight, there would be no harm, granted that your duties come first.” Colette’s smile grew wider. She immediately thought of her Mother and siblings still trapped in the Circle. It was not the life she imagined but the possibility of seeing their faces was worth any pain she might suffer. “Then I suppose I’ll have to survive, won’t I?”

Duncan chuckled agreeably. “It’s good to have things to look forward to. It will give you strength in the coming battles.”

#colette amell #duncan #da fic #dragon age fic #amell #warden amell #my writing

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kpopdancings · 3 years

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FROM UP ON POPPY HILL - THE STRUGGLE OF YOUNG GENERATION

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FROM UP ON POPPY HILL - THE STRUGGLE OF YOUNG GENERATION

FROM UP ON POPPY HILL – THE STRUGGLE OF YOUNG GENERATION

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As a film from the famous Ghibli production studio, “From Up on Poppy Hill” must be the best choice for those who are looking for a beautiful movie with both photo and content.

The love of school age is always a topic that makes them flutter when turning on the screen. “From Up on Poppy Hill” a rare Ghibli work on the subject. Directed by Miyazaki Gorō, son of legendary filmmaker Miyazaki Hayao. The main theme of the film is the love between Umi and Shun, a love that is both beautiful and complex.

The journey to light up “From up on Poppy hill”

From the beginning, this was a huge challenge for Miyazaki Goro, the wounded son who suffered an invisible pressure from his father, Miyazaki Hayao, who brought his life to the works. associated with our childhoods such as: Spirited Away, Howl’s moving castle, My neighbor Totoro, … Everyone expected that he was “the second Hayao”, and that expectation overcame on his shoulder a huge burden. Until his debut Tales from Earthsea was released to the public, despite being well-received and successful in terms of sales, it was a failure when the work received a lot of words. Disparaging comes from critics. And when he decided to do his second animation, but this time he was making the movie with his father, Miyazaki Hayao. This unique father-son combination led to the birth of one of the Ghibli works that I consider to be worthy of viewing, From up on the poppy hill.

This is the highest-grossing Japanese film of 2011 with the proceeds of 4.46 billions yen.If you haven’t seen From Up on Poppy Hill, enjoy the movie now. If you have seen this movie or don’t care about the spoiler, Let’s start now.

Main content

Set in 1963, in the port city of Yokohama, near Tokyo. The drama revolves around 2 main characters Umi and Shun. Umi is a 16 years old girl, energetic and courageous. She lives with her grandmother and two children in the family building, an old hospital that has been renovated to become a hostel for several girls. Umi’s daily jobs are cooking, cleaning, looking after the children and running the building while her mother is in America. The building is located on Kokuriko Hill. Every day, to commemorate her late father, who was a captain who died in the Korean War, Every morning she pulls colored flags that carry the message of asking for a safe journey for each ship.

Kazama Shun – a male student at the same school as Umi, is seen as the hero by a stunt performance to attract interest in the school newspaper – the club he joined after school. Wanting to get Shun’s signature, Sora – Umi’s sister asked her sister to come to the Quartier Latin. It is a very old building and is also the site of historical events and full of club memories. Here, Umi watched Shun and his friends devote themselves to keeping the building in danger of being dismantled. Realizing the sagging, old building of the building, Umi came up with an initiative to call the girls to come clean and renew it together.

They gradually became close to helping each other in everything. Then one day in a meeting at the house on the top of the hill, they accidentally discovered they have the same bloodline. When Shun avoided Umi, after demanding, Umi also discovered that the two were siblings.

They decided to hide their feelings and continue to be friends, and then one day, when the sun was still shining in the green bushes, Umi’s mother returned. It was also when Ryoko revealed that Shun’s biological father was Tachibana Hiroshi – the second man in the photo. In 1945, Tachibana died in a shipwreck accident. Shun’s mother passed away after giving birth to him, and relatives all died during the US atomic bombing on Nagasaki. Ryoko was unable to adopt Shun because she was pregnant with Umi, and was currently a medical student. Yūichirō issued a birth certificate for Shun in his name so that he would not have to become an orphan in the tumultuous post-war years that followed. Shun was eventually adopted by the Kazama couple. After being verified by Captain Yoshio, they rejoiced … not only because from now on being together and not worrying anymore …

The film’s success is not only based on the content, but also on the profound meaning that is meticulously incorporated in the movie

Image of dynamic and enthusiastic young people

The fact that the Quartier Latin was about to be dismantled at the behest of the district president was a challenge for the students living in the clubs in this building. Young students who are still day and night diligently devote their youth to research projects, they learn and cultivate everything outside of school, they do not hesitate to choose the difficult path of resisting directives to pursuing what they think is right.

They are willing to devote all their energies to renovating the building, which is not an individual’s work but a collective work of a team with so many enthusiastic people working. They try to the last minute, with only a little hope, the students here still make efforts to create opportunities, not easily surrendered. The trio of Umi, Shun, and Mizunuma together went to Tokyo to meet the chairman, waited patiently and bravely asked the president to visit the building before executing his dismantling instructions.

Young people working together to save the club can be a metaphor for the country’s rebirth. Together With other students, they are the embodiment of the future Japan, enthusiasm and determination, enthusiasm and optimism, passionate love and foolish youthful aspirations. touched and inspired those of the same generation. The film recreates the spirit of a time that helped that generation to rise up to revive the country, heal the wounds of war in the past, protect and preserve traditional values.

“From Up on Poppy Hill” can be said to be one of the most “Japanese” films of the Ghibli studio.Not only because the port area’s street space is faithfully reproduced in every small detail/, but also because of the strong and resilient spirit hidden in the characters’ personalities. They embody the country with determination, youthful enthusiasm and optimism for the future.

History lessons are appreciated without being cliché

Every effort comes from the thought: “… There will be no future for those who always talk about the future but forget the past …” that Shun raised in an argument between students. One detail I really like in the movie is the image of everyone singing solemnly and singing the national anthem of Japan. Never before has the atmosphere of national pride exploded so deeply, it crept into the consciousness of each student. Everything they are fighting for seems to be for the noble purpose of preserving and promoting historical and cultural values.

“Eliminating the old means erasing the memory of the past”

Actually, this statement by Shun is very correct. Always remember that history is the connection between the future and the past, there is the past, the present, and the present, the future. Thanks to the cultural identities, customs, monuments, and historical records, we can look back on our own country’s past and take it as a lesson to rise later.

Even the girls who do not join the club in the building, still spend time, effort and enthusiasm to renovate it, to give the Quartier Latin a new interface, with the desire for prices. Historical values are preserved.

The story of a group of young people fighting together to protect the old clubhouse building /with sacred memories of generations of seniors is a metaphor for Japan in its renovation towards development. /Still fighting to preserve precious traditional values. /Through these activities, they met and gradually a love between them began to arise …

The pure love of the young couple

Actually, Shun still notices and responds to the signals that Umi sends to her father every day, but because her garden is out of view, Umi has not noticed it for a long time. The author of the poem about the girl pulling the flag on the top of the hill is also written by Shun for Umi. We can feel the sincerity and very cute before the subtle vibrations integrated. The scene of Umi holding his hand during the show, the scene of Shun passing Umi down the hill to buy some evening preparations, the scene where the two of them go home together and discuss the upcoming exam, or simply keep quiet and intently together. After completing the school newspaper, all the videos are lovely and gentle.

“I like you, Shun, even though we are bloodline, even if you are my brother, my feelings won’t change” Umi’s words in the movie.

Love is like a Rose, sometimes sleep quietly, like Umi once buried in her heart … there is also a compromise between the pain, so go on or stop … /maybe expect peace , when the waves are quiet, the sea is together …/ and sometimes simple, reunited after days away. /Far away from war, distant because of obstacles, distant because of painful feelings … /but in the end, it will be as sweet as a child’s sleep, still meeting.

Family affection is always warm

Umi’s memories of her father are still standing, as evidenced by the flags she sends every day to inform her father at sea about the way back home. She still loves her father even though she is doubting Shun is his son. Or Shun’s adoptive father, who insists he always loves him like his own son, is willing to find ways to let Shun know the identity of his deceased father.

Both Shun and Umi are poor children who lost great fathers because of the war, but still cherish and are happy with their current family.

General conclusions

From Up on Poppy Hill, a work from Ghibli never disappoints from image to sound. The poetic and artistic scenes have always been the specialties for each of us, the films to feel the life, the daily activities from the beginning of the film, combined with the melodies from the composer Takebe Satoshi, has created an extreme … peaceful atmosphere.

See and feel the daily beauties of life, love and cherish our values, and constantly strive to dedicate living in accordance with the youth we currently have.

Although building a love story between two high school students in the most pure, sweet and vague way, From Up on Poppy Hill still makes us wonder, is it the ideal type of love, when two people have opposite personalities but a common desire?

#FROM UP ON POPPY HILL #reivews #THE STRUGGLE OF YOUNG GENERATION #youtube

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fazbear-security · 4 years

Text

Secret Tunnels & Surprise Visits

Mike hadn’t had a week off in nearly two years, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

He’d slept as late as he could, but that had only taken him to 1pm, and most of his siblings had extra curricular activities that would keep them out until at least 6pm. His mother was working until at least then, when she picked up the kids, and Sasha’s curfew wasn’t until 11pm (and boy, did she wring it for every minute she could get). He’d tried cleaning up around the house, but that had only taken up part of his Thursday, and as much as his mother had appreciated his hard work, it hadn’t been enough to satisfy the itch in his idle hands.

The pizzeria was being renovated that weekend, and was closed from Thursday to the following Wednesday, so Mike had a good full six or seven days all to himself. Already out of things to do around the house after day one, he’d decided to tackle the one task he (and everyone else in the house) had been putting off for years.

Organizing the basement.

“You have a lot of stuff down here.” Puppet commented as he climbed up on top of an old gear locker shoved against the stairs. A pair of old workout gloves and a rolled up mat were still stuffed in it, along with a set of resistance bands. Mike made a point not to look at it. “Like, a LOT a lot.” The slender animatronic that had taken up residence under his bed poked at the curling edge of an old sticker on the side of the locker. “Don’t you guys throw anything out?”

“Does it look like it?” Mike asked rhetorically as he surveyed the mess. Where was the best place to start? Christmas ‘91? His old college stuff? That box of yearbooks that stretched all the way back to Tara’s freshman year of high school? “That’s what we’re down here to do today - pare down all this junk and get rid of the stuff we really don’t need.”

“That’s easier said than done…” Puppet eyed the mess from his perch up on the locker before jumping down, and curiously opening the nearest box. “You’ve got more stuff down here than the old location had in storage….oh!” The little animatronic leaned over the edge of the large box - almost falling in - before scrambling back out with a little box clutched in his striped fingers, and a wide smile on his mask.

“Hey! I remember these!!” He popped open the lid and ran a cloth fingertip over the enamel pins on the board inside while Mike picked another box in a stack across the room, and started to dig through it. “These are the commemorative pins from 1987! They had me give these to employees as a gift at a big party!” Puppet tilted his head curiously. “How’d they get down here?”

“The night shift isn’t the first time I’ve worked for Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, you know.” Mike made a face at the musty books inside the box he’d chosen, and closed it back up. His mother still might want to donate these to the library - best to just set these aside, for now. “I spent a few months making pizzas for the other location across town before I went to college. I was out sick when that party happened, but management gave me those pins the next day.”

“You mean...we could’ve met sooner?” Puppet looked down at the old pins - at the cutesy, cartoony faces of Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, Foxy, and the pizzeria’s logo - and some of his smile faded. Mike looked up from the box of old clothes he was sorting through at the heavy silence, and frowned.

“Don’t...don’t think too much about it, Puppet.” He advised, folding an old shirt that had stopped fitting a decade ago and setting it aside. “You wouldn’t have liked me when I was eighteen, anyway. I was kind of an as-...uh...kind of a jerk.” He quickly amended. Puppet frowned, and put the lid back on the box before jumping up and sliding it on top of the locker. He was absolutely keeping that.

“So?” The animatronic moved to Mike’s side, and stood as high as he could to try and see into the clothing box. “I’ve dealt with sulky teenagers before.”

“I was a lot more than just ‘sulky’...” Mike winced. He’d been a jerk with a capital ‘J’ before he’d gone to college and gotten knocked off his pedestal. It was a miracle his parents had been able to put up with him for an entire year, honestly. “Be glad we met after I got my head on straight. It was for the best for both of us.” Puppet’s mask twisted into a frown, but Mike was determined for that to be the end of the topic, and moved the clothing box to get at the yearbooks beneath it.

“...huh?” Mike paused in the middle of opening the last box in the stack, and closed the flaps again to tilt it back, and get a better look at what had caught his attention. Puppet quickly perked up as the young man shifted the box across the floor, and off of a mysterious, rectangular shape still half-buried by all the clutter.

“Oh, cool! A secret door!” Puppet grabbed another stack of boxes and tried to push it off the shape, while Mike scratched his head in confusion.

“I...don’t remember this.” The human frowned, even as he helped Puppet to move the stack that weighed more than him. “I wonder if Mom or Dad knew about this?” He frowned as he cleared the last of the boxes off of what was now obviously some kind of old trapdoor. “Kind of seems like they tried to bury it.”

“Maybe it leads to a secret tunnel!” Puppet suggested eagerly. “Just like in that cartoon with the dog Pippa likes!” He started to bounce on his heels, and started to reach for the seam in the floor. “Let’s open it and see where it goes!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, Puppet!” Mike snatched the little animatronic up under one arm, and stepped back before he could get his striped fingers into the crack. “We can’t just open it!” He argued. “We have no idea what might be down there - there could be rats, or spiders, or-”

THUNK.

“......” Both Mike and Puppet froze at the sound, and looked down at the trapdoor. “.....that’s a big rat.” Puppet whispered. Mike slowly - quietly - stepped back from the trapdoor, and the sound came again, only louder. He dropped Puppet back to his feet, and the little animatronic quickly hid behind the human, and dug his striped fingers into Mike’s red jacket as they both nervously watched the trapdoor.

THUNK. THUNK.

Something pounded on the trapdoor from below - something big - and a small puff of dust was kicked up from the space. Mike looked around frantically for something he could use as a weapon, and snatched up a baseball bat from another pile of junk. Luis hadn’t used it since his high school days. Surely, he wouldn’t mind?

THUNK THUNK THUNK.

The trapdoor began to rattle, and Mike swung the bat up over his shoulder as the rusty lock creaked and bent. Finally, the old metal snapped, and the trapdoor was thrown open by-....by Chica?

Mike’s brain ground to a halt as the animatronic chicken mascot from his workplace popped up through his floor, looking around with a curious hum at the cluttered basement before she laid optics on him, and broke out into a wide, toothy smile.

“Hi, Mr. Schmidt!! How’d you get here?”

“.......” The baseball bat fell out of Mike’s limp hands, and clattered to the floor. Puppet flinched at the loud sound, but Chica didn’t seem to register the human’s obvious shock, and came up the rest of the stairs and into the basement.

“Guys!” She shouted back down the stairs. “Mike’s here!” Behind her, Bonnie’s ears appeared before the rest of him, and Foxy’s hook scratched at the edge of the trapdoor hole as he hauled himself up out of the tunnel that yawned beneath the basement floor. Mike sucked in a breath through his teeth as the pirate fox - and other figures that, in no way, should have ever been in his house - rose up from beneath the floor, and stretched his limbs.

“Aaarrr, ‘tis about time!” Foxy grumbled, leaning back as if to stretch out a kink in his spine. “We’ve been walkin’ fer hours! I thought we’d be ‘alfway t’ Tortuga by now!”

“We were only down there for twenty minutes, at best.” Bonnie argued as he climbed out. “Your internal clock must be broken!”

“Jus’ like th’ rest o’ me, ey?” Foxy turned an irritable glare upon the rabbit, but his expression immediately softened when he noticed the audience Bonnie had not. “Oh! Mike! How ye’ be, lad? Ain’t seen ye’ since Wednesday eve’!” Puppet looked up at the human he hid behind with wide eyes, and Mike found the presence of mind to lower his hands from their raised position.

“....you’re in my house.” He said eloquently. Bonnie and Foxy both tipped their ears forward, and looked around the basement.

“This be your house?” Foxy flipped up his eyepatch for a better look. “It be….uh….cozy?” Bonnie shook his head and smacked the fox on the arm.

“This isn’t the whole place, buckethead.” He scoffed. “There’s an upstairs, see?” He pointed to the basement stairs, and Mike looked over just in time to see Chica’s tailfeathers disappearing at the top. His heart skipped a beat or two.“This is just a basement!” The rabbit hopped over a box on the floor, and headed up the stairs himself. “Chica, wait for me!”

“I knew that!” Foxy huffed back with a lash of his tail. The basement started to feel a little small, and Mike pulled another breath in through his teeth. Oh, god. He’d had nightmares just like this, back when he’d first started on the night shift...except he wasn’t sleeping now. He was awake, and this was real-

“I, ah, don’t suppose I could get a hand?” Mike froze, and slowly looked back down at the trapdoor to see Freddy himself seemingly wedged in the stairway opening. Behind him, he could also see the glow from Sam’s LED hat band, somewhere back within the tunnel. “I’m not as slim as the rest of you, you know!” The bear admitted.

“Aye, let’s get’che out o’ there.” Foxy reached out with his good hand to grab Freddy’s and started to pull, with Sam - presumably - pushing from behind. After a few more seconds of staring, Puppet edged out from behind Mike to help. Mike, however, remained frozen in place, and a few shades paler than he probably should have been as he tried to comprehend how one of his darkest nightmares was becoming reality right before his eyes-

“Oh, wow!” Chica’s voice echoed from somewhere upstairs - somewhere on the second floor. “It looks like Parts & Services up here, only better lit! Bonnie, you have to come see this!”

“That’s my-! Oh no.” Mike’s eyes popped wide, and he finally broke out of his frozen stupor to bolt for the stairs, leaving Puppet, Foxy, and Sam alone to try and pry the pizzeria star out through the too-small trapdoor in the floor. “That’s my room! Don’t touch anything!”

He passed Bonnie in the living room, seemingly enamoured by the many framed photos hung up behind the couch, and nearly tripped running up the stairs before he caught himself on the banister. It wasn’t until he’d made it up to the landing and thrown open his bedroom door that Mike realized that he...had no real plan for confronting the animatronic inside. He froze again in the doorway, panting, and struggling for words as Chica ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed over the variety of drawings and unfinished projects strewn about his desk.

“Whoa!!!” Chica picked up a pipe-and-wire hand model that he’d given up on three months ago, and cradled it in her hands with the reverence of a child holding a coveted toy for the first time. “This is just like our endoskeletons! Mr. Schmidt, I didn’t know you could build things!”

“I-. Uh. Um.” The unexpected praise made it even harder for Mike to find his words, and he stumbled for an embarrassingly long time before he heard the creaking of the stairs, and felt a towering presence at his back.

“Oh, neat!” Bonnie pushed his way into the room, causing Mike to stumble forward, as well, and gleefully batted at the punching bag still hanging from the ceiling next to his bed. “Heheh, what’s this thing? Does it make noise?”

“No, it-. It doesn’t make noise.” Mike reached out a hand to stop the bag from swinging, and hoped the feeling of the synthetic leather against his hand would help snap him back to reality. It didn’t do much. “It’s for hitting.”

“Oh.” Bonnie seemed to lose interest at this answer, and turned to face Chica, who had moved on to looking at the posters and pictures hanging on the wall. “Oh!” Bonnie zeroed in on one in particular, and Mike winced internally. “Who’s this kid? I haven’t seen them at the pizzeria before.”

“Yeah, you have. That’s, uh.” Mike found himself wishing he’d never framed that dumb childhood photo. “That’s me.”

“That’s you?!” Bonnie and Chica both crowded around the frame, now, and Mike prayed to any deity listening that his floor would hold under them. “Aww! You used to be so cute!”

“Bonnie!” Chica gasped, and tweaked one of the rabbit’s ears. “That’s so rude! He’s still cute!”

“......” Mike pressed both hands over his face, and leaned back until he was sitting on his bed as the two animatronics began to squabble.

Maybe, if he just sat here for long enough, his brain would get tired of this nightmare, and he’d wake up?

#fnaf #fnaf fanfic #mun's writing #Mike Schmidt #Freddy #Chica #Bonnie #Foxy #Puppet #Safety Officer Sam

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maviemesregles · 4 years

Text

Once I was an Eagle

Thank you all who keeps following this story, who hits Kudos on AO3, likes and reblogs and gives a kind word in the comments. It means a lot <3 I am still genuinely surprised somebody finds it interesting but I DO appreciate each and one of you for that.

This chapter has been much saved by my trusty beta Anne. Thank you! She's been my source of any possible and impossible medical info I need, patiently answering all of my questions, giving me advice and just generally making this story so much better!

Read on AO3.

Chapter I: The beginnings

Chapter II: Sassenach

Chapter III: Catharsis

Chapter IV: Lovestruck. Part I

Chapter V: Lovestruck. Part II

CHAPTER VI: Flecks of sun

Saying goodbye was something Jamie and I were very bad at. The moment we would part with a kiss (so soft that it leaves a lingering tenderness float over the lips) we text or call in a space of an hour again. We were inseparable and I could not even remember anymore how it was to live without Jamie’s constant presence in my life.

Without him making the best coffee I’ve ever had.

Without the heavyweight of his arm over my waist that kept me imprisoned in the mornings in our bed.

Without our hours-long calls when we both were in our beds on different sides of Edinburgh.

Without his solid body and warmth on my couch with a bowl of crisps and Netflix on.

Without his lips on my skin and his hands knowing every inch of my body better than anyone.

Without Jamie cuddling Adso but next moment cursing in Gaelic when my cat decides to scratch him.

Without Jamie’s quiet reassurance and gentleness when my days are particularly hard at work and he’d come with me in the shower, working out the tight muscles in my back.

Without him just being there.

Our absolute inability at saying goodbyes was one of the reasons I was invited to Broch Mordha. After I was away for a week in Boston for a medical conference, Jamie simply asked me to meet his family. So now I found myself in the kitchen next to Jenny who was making dinner. Jamie had gone to the stables to check on the new horse Brian bought before he left for Glasgow. Ian was away at work and all the children were visiting his parents. I was left alone with Jenny and somehow I felt more nervous than I anticipated. She was Jamie’s older sister and nothing escaped her eye. I’ve felt like under the microscope.

* * *

Claire’s cheeks were positively glowing when she realised it was a selfie of her and Jamie snapped on his phone during their hiking two weeks ago. It was a silly one. Jamie was smiling from ear to ear. He looked as if he received the best news ever while Claire gave him a smooch on the cheek. Her hair loose, framing her face. She had the look of a woodland faerie wild and free.

Jenny snorted noticing Claire's face had become a lovely shade of scarlet.

“Jamie put it there right after yer wee hike adventure,” Jenny adjusted a magnet (that she and Ian brought from Greece) that held a small square photo. “This is our fridge of ridiculous family photos.”

A lopsided smile touched Jenny’s lips as she turned back to the salad she was preparing. No longer under the curious gaze of Jamie's older sister, Claire looked at the numerous pictures of the Frasers gracing the refrigerator.

There were childhood photos of all siblings, including William. One captured all three of them playing in a small swimming pool outside on a particularly sunny day. A little girl about six-years-old, with two dark ponytails, was laughing while she was held high up by her father. Her brother Willie, accompanied by his red-headed brother Jamie, seemed fascinated by a yellow ball he held in his hands. Jamie clearly made an effort to relieve his brother of the toy.

Claire’s eyes moved up finding a picture of Christmas day.

In that picture, Ellen Fraser sat with a little swaddled baby in her arms, (it was Jamie, Claire assumed), on a carpet by the huge Christmas tree surrounded by her other two bairns, who proudly held their new presents, with ripped wrapping paper scattered around them.

A black and white photo captured their wedding day showing the happy faces of Frasers standing outside the church in Inverness. Another one of Jamie all dressed up at his High school graduation. One of Jenny holding her university diploma, both parents proud at her side. Ian and Jenny on their honeymoon in Spain, ridiculously tanned. Pictures of all the family members outside the hospital commemorating the birth of Jenny and Ian's first born. Ian looked overwhelmed as he held his newborn son, Jenny drowning in bouquets of flowers with a blue balloon floating over her head that said: “It’s a boy!”.

And now there was a picture of Jamie and Claire. Somehow she felt thrilled by the fact that Jamie decided to put their photo there as she belonged to this family. Showing that Claire was part of their family seemed important to him. As she turned to ask if Jenny needed any help, Jamie’s sister picked up a phone that was ringing for the second time already. Claire never knew that colour from someone’s cheeks can drain away that quickly.

“Jenny?” She tentatively touched her shoulder watching her face become paler and paler. Something frighteningly awful happened to cause a cold feeling to rise from deep within Claire's belly.

“It’s Jamie. There’s been an accident.”

* * *

When people experience sleep paralysis they often describe a feeling of choking, as if some supernatural creature would sit on their chest purposely cutting an airflow in their lungs. I felt that and more. When Jenny slid down the barstool, her hand still holding a phone I stepped closer. Her face became paper white. I managed to compose myself adopting that professional mask I always used in the hospital in spite of my breathing becoming harsh and uneven.

“Jenny, what happened? Tell me.”

She raised her head, eyes fixed on my face but not actually seeing me.

Jenny tried to stand up but shifted and almost dissolved into my arms. “Jamie had fallen from a horse. He doesna move.”

He doesna move.

Each syllable ran through my head as a manifesto cutting deep into the tissue of my brain.

Jenny sobbed, chin quivering.

“Jamie is good with horses but…” She gulped and escaped from my hand that was tight on her shoulder. “Dear God, I canna lose another brother.”

She spoke in a trembling voice and her hands shook causing me to feel the weight of a ton of bricks pressing down on my chest. With each shallow breaths, I thought I could actually feel my sternum crush. Like Jenny, my legs became weak, numb lacking the strength to carry me. My mouth became dry, my eyes burned but no tears came and I gasped for breath like a fish removed from its watery home.

“Christ, what if he’s dead” Jenny whispered flying out the door into the misty evening.

“He’s not.” I tried to sound confident but inside I just wanted to shake her and scream “Of course he’s fucking not!”.

I never knew I could run this fast. I never thought I would feel that terrifying paralyzing fear of losing someone again, not so soon after learning about Uncle Lamb's heart condition. With each meter closer to the stables my stomach clenched and the coffee I had an hour ago threatened to escape, rising up in my mouth. I tried not to imagine all the possible images of Jamie’s injured body. Jenny’s gasps and cries were crawling inside me waking my own fears, making me sick. When my eyes caught the side of Ian’s figure crouched down next to still Jamie the tears snaked down my cheeks. Sniffing, I dried the salty paths away with the back of my hand.

Suddenly I remembered when a young nurse had asked me if I could perform surgery on someone I love, on someone significant. I said I wasn’t sure. In fact, I could not. She asked me if I felt the pain when I lost a patient’s life. My answer was that of course, I did. But not without reason some people call doctors cold-hearted. If we were allowed to show our true emotions it would become a mess. There were times I had to tell that terrible news to relatives and then afterwards in the company of my cat I could allow myself to feel that pain and sadness.

But now it was Jamie. This very moment I knew true fear. The reality suspended around me and the only thing I tried to think of was the severity of the fall from the horse.

Jamie’s skin was pale and there was sweat glistening along his forehead as far as I could see. My heart was beating erratically as my trembling fingers searched and found the carotid artery on his neck. I exhaled feeling the steady pulse at his clammy skin.

“Have you called the ambulance?”

“Aye, I did the second I’d found him like this.” Ian ran his hand through hair, biting his lip nervously.

“Is he alright? He’ll wake up, right? Claire?” Jenny was squeezing Ian’s hand with such force that I was afraid she would break it.

Her voice was a mixture of hope and fear, projecting her worried state of mind and confusion on me. My eyes closed as I willed myself to concentrate pushing my emotions aside.

“First of all, we need to get him to Emergency. He fell from a height and I am not sure whether he hit his head, for that he must have CAT scan.”

Jenny nodded as she clung to her husband.

“He’ll likely regain his consciousness within the minute but if not please, don’t panic. He’ll be alright.” My voice shook at those last words. Slow but steady rising and falling of Jamie’s chest was a reassuring sign of him breathing. And I smoothed his red curls back with my palm. “You’ll be just fine. I'll make sure of it”

And that same moment Jamie’s hand stirred slightly, a little twitch but enough for my eyes start to water again. This time with relief.

His eyes fluttered open. Jamie looked disoriented and the way his lips curled into a tight line I could tell he was in pain.

“Hi there,” I whispered my palm cupping his cheek gently. “You fell off a horse, honey. But you’re going to be okay.”

He made an effort to nod, his eyes closed again.

“Jamie, are you hurt?”

“My shoulder-”

I saw his Adam’s apple bob under his skin as he swallowed.

“Hurts like hell. And I feel dizzy.” It took a great amount of exertion for those words to come out.

“Be still now.” I shushed him seeing the lights of the ambulance arriving, blue lights ablaze.

* * *

Jamie had been put onto the stretcher with me sitting beside him holding onto his hand. Finally, we arrived at the hospital where I was relegated to wait in the hospital waiting room.

The hospital of Inverness was about three times smaller than the one in Edinburgh where I worked every day. The manicured hand of the receptionist pointed me to the waiting room. That room reminded me of a train station with its plastic chairs, grey painted walls, and a sad lonely ficus. The ficus failed at an attempt to brighten and lend some coziness to the room. My imagination seemed to be running wild, as I thought that even the radiators shivered from the starkness of the place.

Picking up an old issue of Elle magazine from the colourful stack I flicked through it without actually paying attention to the content. In about twenty minutes after becoming quite sick of the TV programs playing along with their obnoxious commercials, I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. A nurse, Laura as her name badge indicated, peered at me as she tapped her clipboard with a pen.

“Ma’am are ye a relative of James Fraser?”

“No-,” I shook my head, standing up. My knees painfully jerked on the table that stood in front of me sending pain down my legs.

The nurse quirked her eyebrow in a question and before she made a guess I blurted the first thing seemed logical.

“A girlfriend.”

Laura clicked her tongue as if she did not believe me and after scribbling something down with a blue and white pen she guided me to the hallway. Her hand felt heavy and cold on my back and her accent made me replay her words in my mind at least twice.

“Mr Fraser has a severe concussion. CAT scan hasn’t shown any bleeding but we advise the patient to stay overnight to monitor the symptoms.”

I just nodded walking over the sleek floors in the hallway space where my eyes started to hurt from all shiny steel and bright white walls.

“The dislocated shoulder was treated and we’ve given him ibuprofen for the pain but he’ll need rest and peace. Mr Fraser has asked about ye. Do ye wish to stay over the night, Ma’am?”

* * *

When I entered Jamie’s hospital room he was asleep. Worn out by the accident and all the procedures that followed. Jamie rested quietly in the realm of Morpheus now. Giving my eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness I reached the bed where he laid as quietly as I could. My lips softly brushed over his forehead before I slid down the chair next to him.

Just then I allowed myself to exhale deeply, all the feelings catching up with me.

I sat there in the darkness of a late November evening watching the lights of lonely passing cars draw lines over Jamie’s face. My previous organised state of mind turned to dust in the revelation of the night creeping in. Tears stained my cheeks sliding down into the valley of my neck and finally creating a damp stain on my sweater.

I wasn’t sure where it came from but the slightest idea of losing Jamie, losing us created a hollow aching space inside my heart. It made me wrap my arms around myself for comfort as I shook my head reminding myself to breathe.

Just breathe.

You can never learn how to lose someone you love.

I’ve lost both of my parents. I was five at the time and maybe I didn't quite understand the idea of death but that evening I not only lost my parents, I also lost my childhood and old carefree self. I never got a chance to say how much I love them one more time. I’ve regretted it all my life. No matter how often I would repeat those words visiting their grave each year it would never fill that endless hole inside me.

I never got a chance to say those words to uncle Lamb. How many times did I let this sense of regret eat the flesh of my heart like a vulture devouring carrion? I knew about the poor state of his health during his last years. And I berated myself for not saying "I love you" enough.

The slightest idea of losing Jamie now slashed a deep, bleeding scar over my heart. The tears burst like a water dam, lashes heavy with dampness, my hand pressed over my lips afraid to wake Jamie with my cries.

The fear was ripping through my heart, my very being, coming out it wrenching sobs, turning my guts out. Everything became a blur as the sounds became muffled leaving me in complete silence with the only echo of my own quiet confession.

“I love you”

* * *

“I love you.” My lips repeated those three simple words again as if I was not sure I’d said them a minute ago. Sniffling into the sleeves of my sweater and smearing the remains of mascara I leaned to Jamie.

“You scared the hell out of me,” my whisper sounded hoarse and raspy. “I know you’d laugh at me. You’d say I’m a doctor and you’re in good hands. But Jamie…”

A nervous chuckle came out as I took his hand in mine, my thumb placing gentle caresses over his warm skin. Maybe I was a coward but it was easy to tell him all this while he slept.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t”

I kept repeating those words until the rivers on my cheeks dried out and all the sounds around came back to me. Soothed by Jamie’s quiet breathing my fingers caressed his stubbled jaw.

“It’s as if my soul that’s been torn and reborn started breathing from the moment you found me.”

His hand slightly twitched in mine, fingers seeking that contact. But he was still asleep. Bringing his palm to mine I pressed my dry lips to it. The same as he did on our first night together.

“Good God, I know it’s dangerous. To let myself having someone I’m afraid to lose. But it’s you that I need.”

I smiled.

“You know, when I went to that medical conference in Boston I swear I kept thinking about you each minute.”

After our ‘wee’ getaway to the Highlands life resumed its chaotic rhythm and swayed us away into the depths of it. Joe and I had to leave to the medical conference in Boston for a week. Jamie also had an urgent business he needed to deal with together with his uncles at the brewery.

We said our goodbyes with sloppy kisses at the airport and fifteen minutes rushed sex in the men toilet (where firstly I wiped the toilet seat before Jamie had settled himself down and then me on him). He laughed saying that I am ridiculously hygienic (calling me Dr.Beauchamp as he bit my earlobe gently). After moderately satisfying goodbye sex we parted promising to call each other each evening. In fact, we spoke only three times during that week and I ached for Jamie.

When day six arrived I was so ready to come back to beloved rainy and windy Scotland. Jamie and I chatted on Whatsapp for an hour creating so many plans for when I come back (it included a sex marathon to make up for the time apart, eating our favourite Chinese takeaway, going to see the new Marvel movie, Jamie promising to fix the dripping sink in my bathroom and me coming to Broch Mordha).

It was something I did not expect but something I was no longer wanting to reject. As I folded the last piece of clothing into my suitcase Jamie’s voice message popped on the app.

“Claire, there’s something I wanted to ask ye. But firstly I want ye to know there’s no pressure or anything like that. And ye can say no, I willna be offended. But it is important for me and I would be glad if ye agreed.”

His tone became a bit quieter then.

“I would love ye to come to Broch Mordha. To meet Jenny and Ian, to meet my Da. I could show ye around. Maybe ye could stay for a night?”

I recorded a message back.

“I would love to visit your hometown. Or rather home village should I say? I don’t mind that, Jamie. Especially, when I think of all the things you’d promised to do to me.”

I joked but in fact, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Though I knew it must mean something more than we both anticipated at the beginning I was nearing that point. The point that I was ready to be in love with him. The point when my heart longed for him so much it hurt. The point where I thought I must already love him.

And when the last day opened its door my phone buzzed with a text that was trying to find its way to John Grey but ended in my jeans back pocket.

“Sorry, man, no pub this weekend. My girlfriend comes back from Boston and we have plans at home.”

My fingers typed back.

“I hope my boyfriend has good plans for me.”

The stupidest smile appeared on my face and I spent an additional five minutes at the airport security control because certain James Fraser called me his girlfriend and I knew he’d be the end of me.

“You should have seen the face of that officer, Jamie. He thought I was mad.” I whispered smiling. “But that’s the most unusual way I’ve become a girlfriend so far.”

I remembered arriving home in Scotland waiting for him to meet me there.

Something was rising in my chest when I saw him through the window walking up the front porch. God, I longed for him. I could almost cry with the want to be held by those hands again, to feel his body move against mine. But mostly I just wanted him near. To simply exist together in one space, to see his face when he wakes up and to listen to his untuned humming in the morning to the radio. To be with him. My breath hitched when the doorbell rang. Suddenly the blush crept in all the way on my neck to my cheeks. When my hands unlocked the door and Jamie entered our eyes settled on each other my heart pounded in my chest so hard I thought it’ll break free.

We haven’t seen each other for a week but it felt like years passed by and I couldn’t live without him any longer.

Jamie moved first, making two solid steps towards me before I myself wrapped my arms around him letting my head rest against his chest.

“A Leannan” He whispered softly pressing a kiss at my brow.

"I missed you” I confessed quietly, Jamie’s jacket muffling my voice.

“So did I” He smiled when his thumb raised my chin and our lips collided.

I remembered when finally we went to see that Marvel movie but in fact, I had seen only the first twenty-five minutes of it. The rest will be forever be imprinted as a memory of Jamie’s hands roaming over my body and the fact that I could never tell this story to my children.

I remembered watching Jamie fixing my bathroom sink, cursing in Gaelic every now and then. It stirred something sweet and undeniable inside me and I walked over to him pressing at least a hundred kisses to his bare back.

I remembered a time when Jamie waited for me to finish my shift at the hospital and on our way out the new (and very nosy nurse) said with mischief in her eyes that we would have “verra bonnie bairns”. It made the tips of Jamie’s ears become red and causing me to cough forcefully.

I remembered when it was time to finally come to Broch Mordha.

“Jamie, I know you cannot pick me up, I’ll take a train, it’s fine,” I started scrolling through the timetable of trains on the Edinburgh-Inverness route.

“Let Ian bring ye from the station at least, I’ll ask him,” Jamie wouldn’t drop the topic of my safety.

I smiled chewing on my lip.

“I appreciate it, but it’s not necessary. I don’t want to be a bother. You know that I can fend for myself”.

Jamie snorted but the words came out serious.

“I ken that very well, Sassenach. Yer a fierce one. But I wouldna wish for ye even to try to do that. So just agree. Aye?”

“Aye,” I mimicked him but had to admit my life now was under a guard. In every sense.

I talked a lot to him until I lulled myself to sleep in that chair.

* * *

When Jamie woke his head was spinning and he had to blink several times for his vision to adjust to the darkness of the room. He felt as though his head was splitting in two. Then that nagging pain was running down his neck all the way to his shoulder.

He could feel a familiar warmth. Claire’s hand remained curled over his. She was a fragile figure covered in shadows, crouched on that hospital chair, her head dropped down her chest. The image of her, tired, asleep and so delicate made him want to cradle her and keep her safe inside himself, with his soul being her comfort. The words echoed in his fevered memory and crawled into his heart. Taken away from his dream that was put there by Claire’s voice before.

“Tha gaol agam ort”

Claire stirred and then rose in a swift motion woken up by Jamie’s voice.

“What did you say?”

She blinked still being half drowsy.

“I said I love ye”

#fanfic #outlander fanfic #modern au #claire and jamie #the frasers #maviemesregles #once i was an eagle #flecks of sun #claire beauchamp #jamie fraser #slow burn #angst

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dreamingsushi · 4 years

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The Untamed - Episode 32

So. I finally gathered the courage to watch episode 32. I am still not over episode 31 yet. It was way too sad. Like way way way too sad. I still can’t believe everything that happened and I can’t forgive Wen Qing and Wen Ning for giving me so much pain. I love two siblings so much and it never, but like NEVER occurred to me that Wen Qing could actually die. Well she’s not dead yet, but she will and it breaks my heart. I was a fool to hope that maybe somewhere near the end of this drama, she could have her happy ending with Jiang Cheng even though they grew apart after the Jiang people were all exterminated by the Wen people. That otp not fulfilled... I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.

And I am still so not ready for this, but I have to keep moving because I started reading the book too and I am giving myself some spoilers as the drama and the novel don’t follow the same timeline. Still not ready, but it’s about time to press that play button.

So sweet Wei Ying made it all the way to Yilintai without anybody noticing that he’s there. Jin people are really bad at security. From afar, he watches Yanli crying over the death of her husband. She’s so pale. It’s not good for her to stay like this when she just gave birth. The first person to notice that Wei Ying is here is Jin Zixuan’s mother. Wei Ying tries to leave in a hurry, but it’s too late, he has been seen and Yanli calls out his name, running with her baby in her arms (not too smart..). As Zixuan’s mom calls for people to arrest him, he looks one last time at Yanli crying and leaves before they can catch him. This is already so sad. Wei Ying isn’t the nicest of guys I believe, but he has a good heart and to know that he put his shijie in such as state of pain must kill him.

All alone in the forest, he hears yet again screams and black fog emanates from him again. I really enjoy Xiao Zhan’s acting for there scenes, because we can see through his facial expressions the inner struggles Wei Ying is facing. And it’s actually so painful to watch. Then he hears Yanli calling for him, but it’s only an illusion, she’s not there and he feels so bad. And desperate even, because there’s nothing he can do to make amends anymore. And he lost everything he fought for, everything he sacrificed so much for. He hears voices telling him to keep control, but I think it’s already too late. It’s way too much for him to handle all alone anymore.

You know what pains me the most about Wei Yin is how lonely he is with his choices. It’s somehow his own fault for not sharing his burden with anyone, but at some point he didn’t really think of himself while doing all this. For sure, his heroic side plays a lot in how he makes decisions, if he didn’t have that tendency to always try to save everyone, maybe things wouldn’t have gone downhills like this. Especially between him and Jiang Cheng. I don’t think though that if not for his acting the Wen clan wouldn’t have tried to harm the Jiang. I think they just used Wei Ying as a pretext and they would have found something else instead. Things start to go really bad when he gives away his “golden core” to Jiang Cheng. I don’t know why taking Yanli’s one never occurred to anyone? Maybe because she wasn’t actually such a good cultivator which is why at first Jin Zixuan looked down on her. Such a complicated story.

Poor Wei . Ying. He’s trying to keep control over the voices he hears, but it seems harder and harder. And maybe he just wants to give in now.

No... they hung all the innocent people from Luanzanggang... This is so bad. They didn’t do anything wrong from the very beginning. And Wei Ying seeing this when people are badmouthing Wen Ning. Poor Wen Ning who never asked for anything. Do you guys think it’s fun for him to be used as a weapon when he comes from a branch specialized in healing? Anyways, those babbling people make Wei Ying angry and he opens a fight with them by starting to play the flute. But there’s something wrong since he bleeds black blood... Of course, seeing Chen Qing they all kind of panic: none of them is a match for Wei Ying and they know very well.

But I didn’t think he would defeat all of them so fast. Then one of them asks what’s the point of attacking them instead of the big families and heads of clans. That doesn’t please Wei Ying at all. If I were them, I would keep a low profile.

Omg. That evil look in Wei Ying’s eyes. He definitely lost himself over the power of his new cultivation methods, just as Lan Zhan feared. He leaves the small fries, and this isn’t good news for my poor heart, I feel it.

The Jin are having some kind of ritual with the heads of the clans. I hate that Jin Guangshan. He and Wen Ruohan are literally the same, but at least Wen Ruohan didn’t pretend to be a nice guy and just for that I like him better than Jin Guangshan. Even though they are both horrible.

Okay, the ceremony they are having is to commemorate the death of those that died while fighting Wen Ning, I guess. Makes sense. And involves breaking jade cups? I’m not sure it’s jade though. I’ve seen jade that colour, but hard to tell on a screen and for the drama they obviously wouldn’t use the real thing.

No... that ugly Jin Guangshan. He exploded the box containing the ashes of Wen Qing and Wen Ning... I HATE YOU! I ASK FOR JUSTICE. But not from Wei Ying, leave him alone and out of this. Jiang Cheng doesn’t look good at all. Poor baby. Until then, even if he couldn’t have, she was at least alive somewhere, but now... Well as the crowd screams well done, neither Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue nor Jiang Cheng look comfortable. Well, if three chefs of clans didn’t agree, why did you did nothing? I hope there is a good explanation for that later. They all knew these people were innocent just by looking at them. That’s common sense. They could have kept living in exile.

But now, where’s Lan Zhan? And little Ah Yuan? I didn’t see Ah Yuan hanging with the others. Maybe because he as child? That would be wrong to show that on TV.

Oh right as I was asking about Lan Zhan. He arrives just as that group of gossiping people get to stand up again only to learn that Wei Ying is already inside.

So now, Jin Guangshan says that next, they are going to reduce to ashes Wei Ying. The look of panic in Jiang Cheng’s eyes. He still cares a lot for his adoptive bother. And right then, Wei Ying starts laughing like a mad man. It’s demonic... Oh no poor Wei Ying went crazy. He really went mad. They blame him for killing people, but won’t allow him the right to fight if they attack him because he’s pure evil and if somebody dies under his weapon it’s not defending himself. He should fight back and hope he is lucky enough not to die.

They are afraid. Afraid of Wei Ying’s powers. They acclaimed him when he used it for them, but when they realized they could never control such a force, they wanted to take it away from him, they stopped trusting him and began to see him as a threat instead as an ally.

When they blame him for killing innocent people, he retorts that they did the say with the Wen people from Luanzanggang. Jiang Cheng looks like he has something to say, but remains silent. Why doesn’t he say anything?

They blame him again for giving a curse to that annoying cousin, they don’t need proof, because he is so evil. Wei Ying, don’t mess up and win this with words. Show them who’s the smartest.

An please Jiang Cheng, say something. Or Lan Zhan, come faster. You’re both my only hope...

Well too late for that. Somebody decided that shooting and arrow at Wei Ying was very smart. HOW DARE YOU? He was doing so fine until now. You ruined everything you moron! Wei Ying was only talking. You just killed all of those he was trying to protect and when he doesn’t even lift a finger to get revenge, when he only tries to put some sense into you guys, you just shoot him like that? Well too bad for, you will need more than arrow to kill our Wei Ying. And also you’re dead. But Wei Ying, that wasn’t smart. Even though he deserved it. It’s going to be a disaster. I don’t want to see this. There were many choices that Wei Ying made leading to this, he brought it upon himself somehow. However he is not full to blame, he was trying his best. He was not responsible for the curse and if not for that stupid curse he would have participated in the festivities for the baby and people would have seen he’s still the same nice guy. But well, that’s being optimistic. That Jin Guangshan is way too greedy to leave the Stygian Tiger seal in his hands and ultimately that would have been a problem.

Whatever he does, they already decided that his the bad guy, so he’s starting to act like one. Then Jin Guangshan orders to kill him. And Again. Jin Guangyao’s smile. He’s pure evil TT He should know better than anyone else what it feels like to have everyone else look down on you, how much it hurts, but it looks like he’s enjoying not being the hated one this time around. Too much. I understand where he comes from, I do pity him for having such a father. However, you can’t enjoying seeing others in pain because of that, that’s not a good enough reason. But you know what, Wei Ying is probably everything that Jin Guangyao ever wanted to be. Even though Wei Ying wasn’t the son of Jiang Fengmian, he was never treated like a servant. Even though he wasn’t the most studious student, they all recognized how talented he was. I wouldn’t be surprised that Jin Guangyao was jealous of Wei Ying.

As Jin Guangshan orders to kill Wei Ying, only Lan Xichen, Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue don’t follow. Oh no. Wei Ying starts playing the flute again. I don’t feel it. They are no match for him. And he doesn’t seem to care to spare Jiang Cheng and the Jiang disciple. This is so unlike him... Oh no, but then he spares people from the Jiang. Relief. But as he plays, he looks possessed. Jiang Cheng, please do something to stop this. Quickly. Move.

LAN ZHAN! YES! FINALLY! NOOOOOO! Wei Ying wants to fight with Lan Zhan... I can’t accept this. Please don’t. He’s your only loyal friend, the only one who ever stoop up for you. Wei Ying, you will regret this. Lan Zhan pleads that he stops. And then he does. Because he asks what else he can do. And then Lan Zhan tells him to trust him, that things are not as they look like. Wei Ying. Please. Trust Lan Zhan. I know how it’s going to end, but I still hope for a change. It’s way too heartbreaking.

No. No. No. Yanli came out. She’s so dumb sometimes, it’s annoying. But she’s the only one able to move Wei Ying. So he comes down to look for Yanli and Lan Zhan helps him fight those coming at him.

And then a shadow appears and starts playing the flute too. Oh no. My good ending. Who’s stealing that away from me? May you die in much pain, get back ten folds how you hurt me you big bad guy. Or girl. At this point I don’t care, I’m just so angry and I don’t want Yanli to die so stupidly like this. Wei Ying then realizes that someone else tries to pass for him and makes kuilei. Oh god. This is going real bad. Oh no, Jiang Cheng believes it’s still Wei Ying... HE’S NOT EVEN PLAYING ANYMORE. And then a kuilei tries to kill Yanli, but Wei Ying can’t do anything to stop it, he can’t control the kuilei. Jiang Cheng is devastated, Wei Ying even more. Lan Zhan tells him to stop the kuilei. EVEN LAN ZHAN DOESN’T BELIEVE IN HIM. WHAT THE... But he even saw Wei Ying stop playing. Jiang Cheng is super angry at Wei Ying. How can he be manipulated so easily? As if Wei Ying could hurt his shijie. The only one who never doubted him from the start...

Jiang Cheng blames Wei Ying, but he tells he doesn’t know why wouldn’t they listen to him, that he did not do it. Jiang Cheng tries to comfort his sister, but she only cares for Wei Ying and tries to speak to him. But as she’s going to finish a sentence, she pushes Wei Ying away and somebody stabs her. It’s over. She won’t survive this...

That was the worst that could have happened. Now there’s no turning back for Wei Ying. He turned dark because of his hatred and anger.

This was as hard as episode 31. I’m crying me eyes out. So many innocent people died in this episode. It’s unbearable for me. The more I watch, the more they destroy my heart and I can’t keep with it. It’s way too hard. By killing Yanli, they broke Wei Ying. And then Jiang Cheng will kill Wei Ying and it means Yanli sacrificed herself for nothing. She did it so Wei Ying would live, not for Jiang Cheng to kill him afterwards... It’s like Jiang Cheng is killing his sister a second time. I thought everything would have ended by episode 32, but I still have episode 33 now. Please spare me. I can’t go through that anymore...

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lelouche · 5 years

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Orphans of the Storm: Attachment, Trauma and the Developmental Trajectories of Lelouch and Nunnally in Code Geass

Alternatively titled, Matt Has a Lot of Thoughts About the Lamperouges. 7000+ words of thoughts, to be exact. Some of them might even be semi-intelligent. Admittedly, much of this was written from a hospital office while procrastinating writing patient journals for actual patients who are real humans and not fictional characters. Thank you to my supervisor for not supervising me very much.

I. Introduction

First, let us first briefly set the stage. The story of Code Geass is set in an alternate universe where the social-darwinist, imperialist superpower The Holy Britannian Empire is ruling large parts of the world. Lelouch and Nunnally vi Britannia are born into the royal family as children of 98th Emperor Charles zi Britannia and one of his consorts, Marianne. After their mother is assassinated in a terrorist attack at the Imperial Palace, an incident which leaves Nunnally blind and paralysed from the waist down, the two are sent to Japan as political hostages. The Britannian Empire then invades Japan shortly after they arrive, and they must seek refuge with the Ashfords, a wealthy family with ties to their mother Marianne. Presumed dead by the rest of the royal family, they take on the surname Lamperouge and begin to live in hiding in the now-colonised Japan, renamed Area 11.

These events constitute what is to become Lelouch’s raison d’être through the entire series - finding out who assassinated his mother, and creating a safer, kinder environment for his sister to grow up in. Nunnally is an extremely, and I cannot stress this enough, extremely important figure for Lelouch through the entire series (to the point where it’s kind of a joke in most spin-off material). He’s her main caregiver along with their maid Sayako, and protecting her is his primary goal - often at the expense of his own safety, his friends’ safety, and/or massive collateral damage. In this essay, I will analyse their relationship with their parents and each other through the lens of attachment theory, and discuss how these dynamics shape their developmental trajectories as they grow up. I will focus on two domains of development in particular: (1) emotional regulation and (2) identity. Based on this analysis, I’ll make the argument that Nunnally, despite being the one experiencing the most trauma, ended up more well-adjusted than Lelouch. Furthermore, although the series places much emphasis on how Lelouch is the one protecting Nunnally, he is actually more dependent on his sister than she is on him. I will also discuss how these central themes tie into Lelouch’s goals and political ideology.

II. Ode to My Family: The Fundamentals of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory originating from the work of John Bowlby, concerning the bond between caregivers and their children. Put simply, Bowlby proposed that children are biologically predisposed to form deep, lasting bonds with their caregivers, and this bond has an important influence on subsequent development. In the attachment relationship, the caregiver functions as both a secure base from which to explore (for example, a child feeling safe when playing knowing a parent is nearby), and safe haven to turn to for emotional support (if they get scared or hurt when playing). Caregivers, on their end, facilitate secure attachment through moderate and appropriate stimulation of the child, warmth, mutually responsive interactions, and other behaviours that promote ‘connectedness’. Especially interesting is a trait called mind-mindedness, which can be described as a caregivers ability to conceptualise their child as an independent person, understand their mental/emotional state and respond appropriately. Important to note about attachment bonds is that they’re not “horizontal” - the caregiver and child aren’t on the same “level” as mutual attachment figures to each other, but the caregiver (as the older, wiser, and more experienced person who is able to provide care) will be a figure that the child can rely on.

A healthy attachment bond has a variety of important functions. It promotes the growth of self-reliance (which promotes independency), increases capacity for emotion regulation, promotes later social competence (such as empathy and mutual relationships), and is important for later identity development. This happens through the acquisition of so-called internal working models, that the child employs through their life. To simplify a bit, think of attachment as the mechanism by which caregivers, through their behaviour, teach children what to expect from the world around them, and what strategies to employ to best cope with it. At its core, it is about seeking security and safety - a form of healthy and adaptive dependence that provides a solid foundation and sense of security from which independence can grow

There are three main classifications of attachment bonds - secure, insecure and disorganised. Securely attached children will develop positive internal working models, where world is a fundamentally safe place, they are loved and worthy of that love. Interactions with the caregivers are frequent, mutual and predictable. For insecure attachment, there are two subcategories: avoidant and ambivalent. Insecure-ambivalent attachment is associated with unpredictable interaction styles, where some interactions between caregiver and child may be warm and mutually responsive, while others are more detached or unpredictable. This leads to frustration and confusion, and an ambivalent relationship. Insecure-avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is typically associated with a non-responsive and uninvolved form of care, or an absent caregiver. In this case, the child may feel rejected and like they cannot rely on anyone. Disorganised attachment simply means there is a lack of any organised form of attachment, but that’s not going to be relevant here so let’s ignore that one.

In summary:

Did you really think you were getting through this one without at least ONE chart? (Note: ambivalent and resistant attachment is the same thing)

Also, important note before moving on from this bit: (1) Attachment is not the be-all end-all for positive/negative developmental outcomes, and (2) I’ll obviously be a bit quicker to assume correlation and draw conclusions than I would in real life, because in my mind applying this stuff to literary analysis vs. applying it to real people are two completely different things. Fiction consists of a series of deliberate choices of storytelling and elements you can easily pick apart and draw lines between (preferably with red string on a corkboard wall, while looking slightly manic), whereas people are, like, more complicated and stuff - nature and nurture and all that.

Now, with attachment theory in mind, let’s have a look at the evil Britannian disaster parents.

III. The Mother We Share: (In)Secure Attachment in the Imperial Palace

Before taking a deep dive into Lelouch and Nunnally’s relationship with one another, it’s essential to discuss their relationships with their parents. Unfortunately for me, there really isn’t much canon material regarding their lives prior to Marianne’s death and the subsequent exile in Japan. However, even with the limited information available, I think it’s fairly safe to say neither Charles nor Marianne deserve a parent-of-the-year award - a point cleverly foreshadowed by me when I referred to them as evil disasters just a few sentences ago.

As for Charles, I hardly need to even make a case that he probably wasn’t a great father. It’s never outright stated in the series, but I’m going to assume they had minimal or no contact with Charles. The main reason behind this is: why would they? He had 108 (!) consorts with whom he had many children, and was busy ruling the largest empire in the world. And as if that wasn’t enough, Lelouch and Nunnally weren’t even particularly high up in in the line of succession and would have been unlikely to ever rule in their lifetime (if it hadn’t been for, er, circumstances). Furthermore, because of his grand plan to fuse humanity into one collective unconscious through the Ragnarök Connection, none of this would matter to him anyway. Additionally, I think his lack of contact with his children is very apparent through the way Lelouch interacts with his father when confronting him about Marianne’s death, which I’ll get back to.

So, we can reasonably conclude Charles was an uninvolved/absent caregiver. However, things get a little more interesting with Marianne.

This isn’t relevant to the topic or anything, I just think it’s neat how they made Lelouch so visually similar to his mother. In addition to physical traits, Marianne’s dress here has a really similar structure to what would later become her sons rebellion outfit of choice. She even has a chess-piece-esque hat to go with. Then again, I suppose the alternative was making him visually similar to Charles, and that wouldn’t make for a lot of good fanservice now would it. Anyway, this image description is too long.

As mentioned, avenging his mother’s death is one of the most significant driving forces for Lelouch throughout the series. Her assassination impacted him greatly, both in and of itself and through the harm it caused Nunnally. Whenever she’s brought up, they both seem to get visibly downhearted, and there’s never any indication they remember her anything but fondly. In picture drama 22.25 (from their time as children in the Imperial Palace), the Britannian siblings find a commemorative plate that belongs to her in Euphie’s room. They start to bicker over it, because Nunnally wants to have it herself, while Lelouch thinks Euphie should keep it because it belongs to her. This all indicates that the royal children admired Marianne, and she was obviously an important figure to them both. Through this idolisation, as well as Lelouch’s obsession with what happened at the Imperial Palace, the narrative seems to want us to assume she was a good parent.

However, there are a few things that call into question how reliable of a narrator Lelouch actually is concerning Marianne. Towards the end of the series, it’s revealed that she is actually very much alive, and completely on board with Charles’ Ragnarök plan - making her one of the series’ main antagonists. During Lelouch’s final confrontation with his parents in C’s World in S2 E21, she is unable (or unwilling) to see how faking her death, traumatising her children, shipping them off to a country the Empire promptly invaded without ever making sure they’re still alive, and then trying to convince them to get on board with her human instrumentality plan is wrong. As her wiki bluntly states: “She only superficially loves her children and will not hesitate to kill them if they get in her way.” Taking this information about her character into account, I consider it more likely that the reason Lelouch and Nunnally idolised Marianne was either (1) because they based their impression largely on her reputation, rather than because she genuinely was a loving mother, or (2) she was a very good actor.

At least she provided some strategies to prepare her children for having to cope with the emotional trauma she was about to inflict on them.

How to make sense of their relationship with Marianne from an attachment perspective? I think this is largely up to interpretation due to lack of pre-series material. Lelouch and Nunnally both seem to like and look up to her, but that does not necessarily indicate secure attachment. I would argue they had an insecure relationship with Marianne, and that argument is based on two things. First, her personality traits and actions (rather than Lelouch and Nunnally’s accounts of her): she blatantly uses her children as pawns for her plan, and doesn’t care all that much that they were suffering as a result. Even though she does argue all her planning was well-intentioned, this act quickly fall apart when Lelouch challenges her. As C.C. tells her, “the only people you love are yourselves”. Calling this sort of behaviour “poor mind-mindedness” or “lack of parental warmth” is an understatement - I simply don’t see a scenario where Marianne would genuinely care.

Secondly, I’d argue you can infer it from Lelouch’s patterns of behaviour as he grows older. Many of his actions, and the themes surrounding him as a character, could be seen as a manifestation of insecure attachment - his attitude towards Nunnally, attitude towards his friends in the student council, his emotionality, and the general theme of a fragmented identity, to mention some. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Point is, there is good reason to believe Lelouch or Nunnally had any form of secure attachment bond to either of their parents, and this has some implications for their development as the series goes on.

IV. Abandoned by the Empire: Trauma and Parentification

In addition to not having the best relationships with their parents to begin with, Lelouch and Nunnally were then burdened with more baggage after their mother’s death. In Nunnally’s case, her trauma from the incident was primarily physical (blindness and paralysation of her legs), due to her being literally in Marianne’s arms as she was shot. Lelouch was a witness, and escaped without physical injury. Afterwards, while his sister is still in hospital, he takes it upon himself to confront his father about what happened, and accuses him of having allowed, even facilitated, the assassination through purposefully neglecting security measures that day.

While Nunnally was by all means most harmed by the attack, it is here in the aftermath I’d argue Lelouch takes his “main blow” in the parental trauma department. When confronted, Charles gets angry and tells Lelouch that everything in his life has been handed to him by virtue of being a child of the royal family, and thus he’s never truly accomplished anything - he might as well be dead, and therefore has no right to doubt or disobey him. This is an especially cruel statement in the context of the social-darwinist Britannia, where the strength to survive by your own measures is seen as highly important, maybe even the only thing that truly is important. Lelouch then visibly flinches and falls back when Charles stands up, in a manner that seems outright terrified. Keep in mind, all this is happening in front of the Royal Court.

This scene in particular is the main reason I cannot imagine Lelouch or Nunnally having any kind of relationship with Charles prior to the incident, much less a secure and healthy one. You’d think the threshold for a young child to turn and publicly accuse his father of premeditated murder in front of the Britannian Royal Court would be astronomically high, especially if he actually liked and trusted him. Additionally, as I mentioned earlier, one of the most important functions of the caregiver is being a secure base in difficult and unsafe situations, which means that children typically tend to turn towards their parents during situations where they feel scared. Flinching away (so severely he even falls back, with a horrified expression on his face), rather than seeking closure, is highly indicative of insecure attachment/parental neglect.

As if all this wasn’t enough, Lelouch and Nunnally are then separated from all their siblings to be relocated to Japan as political hostages. Again, the pre-series material is pretty thin, but throughout the series there are indications that they had good relationships with some of their siblings. For example, Lelouch recalls playing chess with Schneizel, and possibly had some kind of relationship with Clovis judging by their conversation before Lelouch kills him. Both Lelouch and Nunnally also seem to have been very close with Euphie - in Stage 22.25, they’re playing in her room and don’t want to go to sleep because they’re having so much fun. Lelouch even refers to Euphie as the first girl he ever loved (let’s just... not unpack this one). Point is, not only do they get traumatised by and separated from their parents (whom they already had an insecure relationship with), but they’re also ripped away from their entire network of social support, except for each other.

This image is so fucking sad. Fuck.

So, when Lelouch and Nunnally arrive in Japan, they’re on their own. And because he is older, and because of Nunnally’s disability, Lelouch ends up taking on most of the responsibility. He carries her up the stairs when they arrive at the shrine, washes their clothing, buys their food, and so on. In addition to these practical tasks, he also tries to comfort his sister emotionally and seems to also feel responsible for her well-being - for example, when discovering their lodgings were small and quite sad-looking, he tries to shield Nunnally from it by lying and telling her it looks like Euphie’s room. When Suzaku first meets Nunnally, Lelouch instantly runs into the room because he heard a noise, and freaks out at Suzaku because he thinks he’s going to harm her. For all intents and purposes, he steps into a caregiver role for his sister - an attachment figure, one might even say. This shift in their dynamic becomes very apparent when comparing their relationship in Japan and onwards, to the aforementioned bickering-over-a-plate incident in Euphie’s room, where they were fighting and playing like siblings.

This phenomenon is sometimes called parentification, in which the absence of adult figures providing sufficient care causes one child to bear more responsibility than is normal for the age, and step into the role of “parent”. Parentification can be adaptive and healthy with concrete/practical tasks, in small periods of time and with plenty support, for example pre-teens babysitting their younger cousins. Suffice to say, Lelouch had none of those things. He is Nunnally’s sole contact, made worse by himself by being stubborn and not wanting to let anyone else in to help. Additionally, plenty of other risk factors for destructive parentification is present - the tasks are diffuse, all-consuming and way above the level appropriate for his age, he gets no sort of recognition, reward, or help, it lasts a long period of time (permanently), generational lines become somewhat blurred, and his own needs end up taking second priority to him. And, as you’ll remember from the attachment theory section, this kind of relationship is not horizontal in nature - Lelouch and Nunnally don’t provide each other mutual support of this nature, but rather Lelouch is the one providing a function for Nunnally.

In the beginning of this section, I mentioned that Nunnally’s trauma as a result of Marianne’s death was primarily physical. However, she evidently went through a great deal of psychological trauma as well. A novel detailing their childhoods in Japan states that Nunnally privately had a terrible time coping with the changes in her life and would throw tantrums when left to her own at Kururugi residence, destroying nearly anything she could get her hands on. However, unless she secretly throws tantrums whenever her brother is off screen, this doesn’t seem to be an issue during the span of the series. I’d argue this could be attributed to Lelouch functioning as a caregiver for her - she had someone there to help her, calm her down and provide external emotional regulation, which in turn helped her learn to better regulate her emotional states on her own. Lelouch provides safety and warmth, and, in doing so, becomes a buffer for his sister.

Lelouch, however, has no such buffers. Because of this, it’s easy to draw a line between his parental problems and trauma, and his subsequent maladjusted pattern behaviour when the siblings arrive in Japan. At the Kururugi residence, both him and Nunnally are offered both food and clothing, but he is insistent on providing everything himself - he washes all their clothes, and buys their food with coupons in town, despite being beat up by the other boys there for being Britannian. He’s distrustful towards everyone there (before later warming up to Suzaku) and hypersensitive for any possible threat to Nunnally’s safety. In my opinion, it’s evident Charles’ words had an impact on him. When Suzaku asks why he is so hellbent on refusing help, he responds with: “I’ll live by my own strength, and I won’t be dead any longer!” Through caregivers, children learn what to expect from the world and their own place in it - in Lelouch’s case, he clearly sees the world as an unsafe place with few people to truly trust, and considers himself only worth something if he is entirely independent. Although independence is often seen as a “mature” trait in children and therefore indicative of “good” development, healthy dependence and attachment in childhood is crucial for the facilitation of later healthy independence. And unlike Nunnally (who has him), he doesn’t have anyone to rely on and turn to for his security.

Diverting slightly from the topic at hand, I think this highlights the interesting narrative role of C.C. as the closest thing Lelouch has to a caregiver proxy. I am in no way trying to imply she is outright maternal towards him, but she’s of help and offers practical and sometimes emotional support - a role no other person in Lelouch’s life really fills. I already explained why Nunnally isn’t a possible candidate, and Suzaku, while an important figure in Lelouch’s life, has his own essay-worthy plate of parental problems to deal with. Additionally, their whole enemy situation doesn’t make him someone Lelouch can reliably turn to for comfort and support. C.C however, is older, wiser, more “stable”, and seems to know how to offer emotional support in a way that somewhat calms Lelouch down. In turn, he occasionally tries to reach out to her in difficult situations (or at least he gives into having breakdowns in front of her), which he doesn’t seem to do with anyone else. If only she’d intervened when he was a child instead of just standing there dramatically in the background. But alas.

V. Some Things Just Stick in Your Mind: Differential Susceptibility

Earlier, I briefly mentioned Nunnally being the one most harmed by Marianne’s death. She was younger when it happened, more directly involved, and experienced a greater loss of function as a result which altered her lifestyle significantly. Based on this, I could easily argue that the incident would have far more damaging implications for her long-term psychological well-being compared to her older brother. I could, but I won’t, because it didn’t. Despite all these risk factors present in Nunnally’s case, their mother’s death seems to have made far more of a long-term impact on Lelouch. We’ve already discussed the most important reason why: Lelouch providing Nunnally with protective care associated with a secure parent, thus functioning as a buffer for her trauma. In this section, I’d like to discuss another important factor, interacting with attachment security: namely, differential susceptibility (also sometimes called responsiveness for care).

When we meet Lelouch in the beginning of Code Geass, he feels stuck and utterly powerless in his situation. He gambles on chess to pass time, but feels otherwise bored, restless and detached from his environment. When he receives the power of Geass from C.C., it gives him what he claims he wanted all along - a tool to take control of his life, get revenge on those who wronged him and actually do something. Thus, a plan to overthrow the Britannian Empire is formed and set into motion. The main targets seem to be the royal family as he struggles to systematically take down the empire and search for information - once he meets his brother Clovis, he shoots him (seemingly) without much hesitation. As time goes on, he sacrifices more and more time and energy to his obsessive goal, while his web of lies and various interpersonal becomes increasingly difficult to manage. There is a reason his character is often compared to the likes of Light Yagami (despite them having completely opposing ideologies, but that’s an essay topic for another day) - his arc follows the same downward spiral pattern, where one thing leads to another and suddenly you’re up to your ears in civilian casualties. It’s obvious Lelouch hasn’t accepted, gotten over, or forgiven his family in the slightest, and takes this anger out on those he perceives wronged him in search of an answer.

Meanwhile, Nunnally doesn’t exhibit anything close to this kind of grudge. She seems upset whenever it is brought up, but otherwise seems to have made peace with what happened and ready to forgive her family. One might argue this comes down to a difference of opportunity - Nunnally doesn’t exactly have the power of Geass, or even functioning eyes of the non-mind control variety, so it might be a bit more difficult to get certain things done. Such as killing off most of the Britannian royal family. However, even before Lelouch got the power of Geass, he expressed a wish to destroy Britannia for what they did to him and his sister. So, unless Nunnally has some secret desire to kill that was just never mentioned (in which case this whole essay is null and void, I suppose), Lelouch seems to be coping with his trauma in a much more maladaptive way than his sister, turning his sadness and feelings of rejection into anger and resentment, which ended up staying with him pretty much until the day he died.

Reach your arm out and grab the stars or whatever that quote from LoGH is.

Based on this, I’d argue Lelouch is what one might call a flexible strategist. This doesn’t refer to his military tactics (although he seems pretty flexible with those as well) but simply means that, for better and for worse, he’s relatively sensitive to factors and people in his external environment. On one hand, he seems to flourish in environments where he gets support. During his childhood in the Imperial Palace, he seemed to mostly get along with and care about his siblings (as mentioned earlier). He was also by all accounts a very bright child - he did say he never managed to beat Schneizel at chess, but to give Lelouch some credit here, Schneizel at the time would have been an adult man in his early 20s, while Lelouch was, like, 7. The fact he even stood a chance is fairly impressive. I do not want to argue chess ability is the ultimate measurement of childhood functioning, but my point here is this: he seemed to be on a decent developmental path, both cognitively and socially, all things considered. On the other hand, he tends to react poorly whenever something goes wrong. I’ll talk about this in more depth in the emotional development section, but tl;dr: Lelouch is a very volatile character, who tends to have very high highs and low lows.

While Lelouch seems to be more “formable” by both positive and negative environmental influences, Nunnally is more of a so-called fixed strategist. She, like Lelouch, seemed to be in a decent place before the incident, had a period of acting out after her trauma (throwing tantrums etc.), but got “back on track” through Lelouch fairly quickly. She seems more forgiving of her family, for example when she is instantly supportive of Euphie’s special administrative zone (which Lelouch has a very ambivalent relationship with). Towards the endgame in S2, she even aligns herself with Schneizel. As her arc goes on, she shows herself more and more capable of functioning without Lelouch’s help, and make decisions of her own, based on her own opinions. Her outlook on the world seems to be much more down-to-earth and less black and white. Even when her own brother (the only person she’s been able to rely on for most of her life) geasses her and literally leaves her lying on the floor, she tries to reason with him. This is obviously just speculation, but I think had something similar happened to Lelouch he would have, psychologically speaking, completely lost it (in fact, he does lose it multiple times, which I’ll also get back to). Additionally, from the glimpse we see of Nunnally with Suzaku after Zero Requiem, it seems like she’s been able to cope relatively well with her brother’s death. In general, she seems to find her feet much easier than Lelouch and is more stable across situations.

To summarise everything so far: I’d argue neither Charles nor Marianne were secure caregivers for Lelouch and Nunnally. This is implied not only by their traits and actions, but can be inferred from Lelouch’s maladaptive developmental path. The reason we see this pattern develop in Lelouch but not Nunnally is that he, through parentification, functioned as a buffer for her. Furthermore, this difference in trajectories is amplified by their different underlying susceptibilities - Lelouch more sensitive/formable by negative events and loss in general, while Nunnally is more resilient. From this point on I’ll focus mainly on Lelouch, and discuss how this magnificent cocktail of risk factors explain his developmental outcomes as an older teenager - in particular, how it shines through when it comes to his emotionality, identity, and goals/motivations.

VI. Thunder in Our Hearts: Emotional Development and Interpersonal Relationships

Lelouch frequently throughout the series, for lack of a better term, loses his absolute shit. For example, in the scene where he plays chess with Mao in S1 E16, he screams and dramatically falls backwards when the last piece is thrown onto the scale. He’s completely devoid of expression, and is well and truly out of it until Suzaku arrives. He ends up in a similar state of mind when he thinks Nunnally is killed in S2, where it seems like he’s completely detached from his surroundings - just repeating that he wants to speak with her. In addition to these dissociative-esque states in response to extreme stress, he has lesser breakdown and outbursts as well, such as: after Shirley’s father dies, after the incident with Euphie, when he’s flipping out at Rolo upon seeing his phone locket, etc. Additionally, he’s been shown to take stress and anger out on other people in the (kinda hilarious) scene where he goes to an abandoned street to use his Geass on random people, making them dance as he stands there being angsty. These bursts of emotion don’t exclusively concern negative situations either, as evidenced by his multiple periods of manic laughter and monologues during battle.

I once read this Geass analysis claiming Lelouch is an unemotional character. As evidenced by these screenshots, that was a correct take and not inaccurate at all. Emotions? Where?

In addition to being fairly emotional, Lelouch’s character is also very centered around the people in his life. His mother and sister are the primary motivation through the series. He uses Nunnally’s well-being to justify his actions. He let’s C.C. comfort him. He cares greatly about Shirley, and is devastated at her father’s death (though one can only assume he feels a bit better after punching a wall in the shower), to the point where he erases her memory to spare her the suffering he’s bringing by getting her involved. He obviously deeply cares about Suzaku (again - essay for another day), and orders him to keep on living no matter what, despite him being the number one obstacle for Zero’s plans. If he expresses this affection in a reasonable way is another question entirely - his main way of expressing his love for Nunnally seems to be killing thousands of people for her sake, Shirley by erasing her memory, and Suzaku by forcing him to live on at any cost, which is the exact opposite of what he wanted.

He also has a recurring pattern of requiring a lot of external emotional regulation through other people. Nunnally is the most obvious example of this (obviously) - whenever something goes slightly wrong, he usually defaults to screaming about her, and becomes absolutely devastated whenever she’s unsafe. If Lelouch functions as her buffer, I’d say she’s her crutch. He heavily leans on her for justification and a purpose in life. But, these maladaptive ways of leaning on people also occurs with other characters, such as in the scene with Kallen in the warehouse where he’s about to inject himself with refrain. Kallen takes the needle from him and throws it on the ground, and he reacts by walking towards her asking her to console him - saying “there are things a woman can do for that, right?”. Kallen promptly (rightfully) slaps him, and he seems to regain his senses.

The most frequently repressed scene by all Lelouch fans.

In summary, I’d argue Lelouch is the complete opposite of an unemotional or uncaring character. He often seems to struggle with controlling his (plethora of) emotions in healthy ways, and copes with them either through completely shutting things out, having frequent breakdowns, lashing out on others, or using people as emotional crutches. He’s also very centered around other people, but tends to express it in less-than-appropriate ways, and goes on about things in an almost childish way, at times. This, I think, is indicative of his insecure attachment and lack of sensitive caregivers. In contrast to Nunnally, who had him, he didn’t have anyone to provide safety and externally regulate his emotions, meaning he was never able to internalise such strategies. Thus, there is a pattern of unhealthy (lack of) regulation of emotional states, leading to these stark contrasts between high and low points, and the quite bad ways he deals with them. Years of stress, repressed restlessness and unhealthy coping mechanisms for trauma certainly didn’t help either. Put simply - he’s a bit emotionally immature, and this is a significant aspect of his character.

VII. Reflektor: Identity and Projection

One of the most prevalent motifs in Lelouch’s arc, save for the chess symbolism, is the theme of masks and a fragmented identity. Throughout the series, he uses different identities to fill different roles in his life: Lelouch vi Britannia the prince, Lelouch Lamperouge the student, Zero the terrorist/freedom fighter and eventually Lelouch vi Britannia again, the tyrannical 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire. This switch is the most obvious display of the fragmented identity theme, as he is quite literally changing his name and masquerading as different people. With his Zero persona he even puts on a literal mask to conceal his face, but he also uses subtler, figurative masks for his other personas in order to achieve various goals. Additionally, there are also subtler role shifts at play within these identities: Lelouch Lamperouge exists as Nunnally’s caregiver, a student council member, Suzaku’s childhood friend, etc. (as with all people, fictional or not).

It is here his main ideological conflict with his parents arises. Charles and Marianne wants, through their Ragnarök plan, to abolish all “masks” and fuse mankind into one collective unconscious. Their reasoning is that if everyone were honest and there were no separation between people, the world would be a better place. Lelouch, however, finds the concept of identity masks useful and even defines himself by them. This is clearly shaped by his own experience - in order to survive in Area 11 and protect his sister, he had to change his name and lie. In order to gain real power and influence to overthrow Britannia, he had to change his name and lie. This modus operandi goes straight to the heart of his identity, because it is the reason he is able to exert his will over the world in any meaningful way - which, as we discussed earlier, is the reason he is “not dead any longer”. His core idea is that those who are privileged enough to be able to tell the truth about themselves, have no right to deny others the right to lie for their own survival or to achieve their goals.

Carl Jung arguably had a much more significant impact on anime than he did psychology. Actually, this isn’t even arguable.

Another, subtler way the series conveys the theme of fractured identity is Lelouch’s projection of desires and wishes onto others. This is shown quite literally through how the Geass gives him the power to command anyone to do anything. But not only does he impose his will onto others through verbal command, he also projects his more abstract goals and desires into the people in his life. Again, Nunnally is the most obvious example of this: Everything he does, he claims is for the sake of Nunnally. It’s interesting he never outright says that he wanted to do any of this for any personal reason - it’s all about a kinder world for Nunnally, Nunnally’s smile, and how their parents abandoned them. In the final confrontation with Charles and Marianne, Suzaku asks him if he used Nunnally as an excuse to justify his actions. Lelouch confirms this, and then says he fought to protect everything he wanted to protect. Still, he never mentions he feels rejected, or that he would want to grow older in a kinder world, even though it’s obviously more his own wish than hers (as Nunnally mentions during Zero Requiem, she would have been happy just being with her brother). In a way, he considers himself two steps removed from his desires - only working against Britannia on the basis of what he imagines the people in his life would want him to do.

Lelouch also has a tendency to view his own identity(-ies) through abstract symbols, rather than as a concrete human being with a backstory, grudges and motivations. In exile he expresses frustration at being a pawn of Britannia, as Zero he functions as a faceless symbol of Japanese liberation and a rebellion against the establishment, and as Emperor he aims to become a symbol of people’s hatred towards their oppressors. Even the orchestration of his life’s ending is primarily a symbolic act to him; with the world’s hatred focused on a tyrannical Emperor, the world can be peaceful when that symbol disappears. Lelouch seems very aware of this himself: that he is past the point of no return, and destined to become someone who will bear the burden of sacrificing his own identity, morals and character to play a part. He, in a way, seems more comfortable in this realm of abstraction - in being more of a symbol. However, if we try to strip away his rather grand narrative for a second, we’re left with a person committing suicide at 19 because he thinks the world will be a better place for it.

Black king captures e1, checkmate.

VIII. Pity the Child: Politics and Spite

Lastly, I want to make the argument that the parental abandonment Lelouch and Nunnally experienced, and the subsequent cascade of issues is the most important aspect of the series. Even more so than the central ideological conflict of working against versus within systems of oppression. As I’ve already touched on a fair bit, I think Lelouch’s circumstances growing up and the experiences arising from that was the very foundation for his later ideology and hatred for Britannia, rather than his ideology in and of itself being the reason he hates his parents and the system they represent. This is best represented by the climax of the scene with Charles and Marianne in C’s world, where Lelouch speaks not of systems of power, racism, oppression, politics, etc. - he speaks of abandonment and hurt.

In my opinion, there’s reason to question whether he would have gone to the same lengths to destroy Britannia if he’d not been exiled from the system himself. In one of the picture dramas from his summer in Japan as a child, he lectures Suzaku on Britannian and Japanese foreign trade policy, making the argument they’re both unethical. This indicates he already knew of and disagreed with the actions of Britannia, but it’s only after he’s exiled and war is declared on Japan he begins talking about enacting revenge. Additionally, he has some truly magnificent displays of hypocrisy throughout the series that (in my unpopular (?) opinion) puts Suzaku to shame. Even the very act of him using Geass is contradictory to his fundamental belief: that opposing a well-intentioned act upon others is no different from an evil act. During their confrontation, he is very concerned with expressing this ideology to his parents, before promptly turning around and making his brother a geassed slave forever, two episodes later.

Not to completely undermine his ideological streak; I do genuinely believe he is anti-Britannia, and I do genuinely believe he values personal freedom highly. However, based on everything discussed so far, I’d argue he would perhaps not have cared as much, or at least been more open to a more Suzaku-esque approach, had he not had deep personal trauma connected to the whole situation as well. So, his main motivation isn’t to “bash the fash”, as it were, but rather bash these few specific fash who traumatised him and his sister before shipping them off to a foreign country they then immediately declared war on. Revenge, spite, and pure, childish anger towards a family that wronged him is a much more useful lens through which to view the series, rather than an ideological conflict per se.

IX. The Conclusion Bit, Finally

To summarise this entirely too long essay, Lelouch and Nunnally both suffered from insecure attachment and later trauma and parental abandonment. Nunnally’s main protective factor/buffer for this trauma was Lelouch, which gets her “back on track” towards becoming an emotionally stable and independent girl. Her brother, however, doesn’t have anyone to fill this role, and this cascades into dysfunctional behaviour and strategies across different domains: his trust issues as a child, obsession with revenge, immature emotionality, poor handling of stress, projecting onto others, and a fragmented concept of his own identity. Lastly, I think these personal issues constitute the crux of his motivation throughout the series - Lelouch’s arc is about trauma, parental neglect and spite more than it ever was about politics.

#code geass #lelouch vi britannia #lelouch lamperouge #nunnally vi britannia #@ everyone who's ever wanted to read a Long essay on code geass and developmental psychology: you're welcome #I hope some of it is understandable or even interesting #my essays #.........that's a VERY optimistic tag but I feel like I have to tag it with Something #analysis

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mariposalass · 4 years

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Deep Pain, Deep Sorrow

Summary: The day he died the first time has come, and Philip is having nightmares of reliving the events in his mind. It is not really great, not great at all.

Setting: Mari and co.’s house in Daly City, California, present day midnight; Weehawken Dueling Grounds in Weehawken, New Jersey and the Church family house in New York City, New York, November 20-24, 1801.

Notes: Written up in the last minute in commemoration of RL Philip Hamilton’s death by gun dueling on this day 218 years ago. There are Hamilton musical spoilers and mentions of death, guns, & blood loss along with slight mention of alcohol & hate speech against Alexander Hamilton: if you’re not comfortable with any of them, then skip this and finding something more cheerful instead. Although the ending doesn’t end on a sour note though… Also tagging @husband-of-lucoa since I’m basing this on a RP we had on Discord with Marina’s old life dilemma before as a main theme.

Tags: character death, mention of guns, salty language, mention of blood and blood loss, existential crisis, Defying Time, Renewed Potential, Hamilton: An American Musical, Hamilton spoilers, implied mention of alcohol, hate speech, George Eacker bashing (if this is a thing), real life history

It all started with a speech, a goddamn speech on the Fourth of July nonetheless. Bloody Eacker had all the nerves to bash his father like that: no respect to the man who had to work hard from a rough life of illegitimacy and having one parent died & another far away to help bringing a nation out of the shackles of Great Britain’s control, in front of a bunch of people wanting him dead literally or otherwise, poor Theo’s figuratively blind and ambitious father included. Surely, if that fool had known the man personally much longer, maybe it have been less abrasive, but no, he was a foolish twat. 4 months had passed since that slanderous speech and he & an old friend, Stephen Price, had confronted him, both younger men being under some alcohol for some reason, in the Park Theater about that rancid work of words. A verbal fight has borne out of this confrontation and the final straw came in the form of that bastard calling him and Stephen ‘rascals’, which had the young men to challenge him in a dueling match.

Back then, most men, even the smartest and most noble of the lot, wouldn’t simply settle things in a calm and logical manner; with pride on the line, they dealt arguments with small death machines, guns loaded with bullets that could spell death to the unfortunate person on the other side. Eacker would take on Price first a day after, then him on the next day. Four shoots were heard across in Weehawken, but no one died that day. The next day came, and it was him against the foolish twat; with some advice from his father, he had started it with a delope, throwing his first shoot, a move that would ultimately cost him life. Eacker had done the same, for a fool like him, it too was a smart move then.

A minute later, neither one dared to make a move, but then, Eacker aimed for him and shot him above the right hip and into the left arm; he did shot back, but the bullet was useless. The fired bullet from Eacker’s gun was lodged to his arm, spasms came in involuntarily. Everyone was wondering and panicking while Eacker was blindly soaking in this false victory, yet he knew that the victory that fool was enjoying is fleeting and was trying his best to remain calm and collected as Death is slowly arriving at his doorsteps and he was bleeding profusely. Soon, word was spread of the duel and he was then rushed to Aunt Angelica and Uncle John’s house in the city center; Angelica, while still shocked by her nephew’s misfortune, wrote that his attitude during this trying time was unbelievably remarkable for a 19 year old nearing Death.

Horrified by the news of what Eacker did to his firstborn son and rocked by anxiety & worry like every responsible caring parent would, Alexander rushed to Dr. Hosack’s home to ask for medical help, only to learn that the good doctor was already ahead of him at the Church residence by this time, staying with his family to recover before heading to his sister in law’s place. By the time he and Eliza reached him, he was paler than the moon itself, his face ashen from the near loss of blood, almost haggard in appearance.

The older Hamilton was in despair, sobbing and clutching Dr. Hosack by the hand & salted tears running down from his watery eyes, and the middle Schuyler sister, pregnant with her final child at 3 months, even more distraught than she would let on. Pulse was faint, but still heard by Alexander, and yet time was running out for his eldest son. They had stayed by his side all the night along, 14 hours and a confession of faith later however, Death has taken Philip Hamilton away from the world and from his family at 5 AM. Only 19 years old.

He had bolted up from his bed after so many flashes running across his mind, waking up screaming and causing his roommate Ahkmenrah to wake up from his slumber as well. His horrified screams could be heard all over the house, alarming everyone trying to get a good night’s rest. The former pharaoh was startled by the stressful look in his friend’s face and checked if he was okay. Philip honestly couldn’t hide how he was feeling, but didn’t explain it to him fully until everyone else went inside their shared bedroom.

Mari has never seen him this stressed out (beside crunch time on news article deadlines and getting confused over modern day things) in the 11 months they have been together, she had sat beside him and sheepishly held onto his hand as a calming measure. Kirby, saddened to see him in the state he was in, flew onto his bed and hugged him by the side of his torso.

“Hey, what’s happening to you, mate?” Harry questioned him, sensing that there must be something that left him this freaked out.

“Yeah, we want to know why,” Kairi chimed in.

“Come on, Philip, there is never a bad thing to admit it,” Mari gently reminded him, “We’re all ears for you.”

“Nightmares, those nightmares of that duel, agh!” he groaned in agony, “I never thought of reliving those awful memories of it all over again. I didn’t expect it to send my family on a downward slope after that. It was horrible to think about it in your sleep.”

“Well, you told us all about it many times for a long time now, still there is no need to hold back just because of some a-hole trying to peg down your dad like that and shoot you in return,” Mari sighed, not knowing what else to say in return and trying to fight back in tears from her eyes.

“Philip, please don’t feel bad about that. I know that it was very foolish of both you and that Eacker guy to try to shoot each other over a speech and just sort those issues out yourselves, but honestly, I didn’t think that it was all your fault,” Issa tried to reassure him, “Besides, he’s already dead and probably regretting that he shouldn’t harass your father with that speech in the first place.”

“Your father sounds like a very important man indeed, Philip,” Ahk pointed out, “You and your siblings must have looked up to him so much. He have done some messed up things in the past like that affair thing, yes, but never a horribly terrible person at all. I would have loved to ask him questions about how he helped out in freeing and growing this nation and independence with several like-minded men.”

“Poyo...” Kirby sniffed in sympathy as he cried.

“Look, Philip dear. The past is the past, we know that we couldn’t turn back the hands of time to stop it from happening, even the Doctor couldn’t stop it in a couple of cases whenever he goes time-traveling. But it doesn’t mean that you should never be defined by those events. You got this second chance in life and you can still enjoy life even more than ever, so you shouldn’t worry about everything the second time around,” Mari calmly reassured her dearest beloved before remembering something similar that had happened to some friends a year ago, “Funny enough, this whole situation you’re in is quite similar to Marina’s case: Dyl’s friends at the Fortress Team found her unconscious by the sea and couldn’t find anyone willing to pick her up and look after her until Dylan and Lucoa (and later Lady Palutena) stepped in and took her into their large family. Even she was struggling with recovering from her past mistakes for some time, but since you came back and befriended her, she doesn’t have to worry too much about them. She still gets nightmares once in a while, but beyond that, she is doing well.”

“Well, I suppose that I should follow her example then?” he meekly asked her and everyone else in the room.

“I don’t see a problem with that, Pip,” Issa smiled back in response, “She was the first person to reach out to you since you made that public reveal of your return, so she is likely to listen all about it.”

“Since you did in a way helped her recover from her past mistakes and get help from her folks, perhaps we can contact Dylan, Lucoa, and Lady Palutena by morning and see if she can drop by to help you out as well,” Harry added, “Or you can talk to me as well. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life as well, especially with the Killing Cruse, the Horcrux Hunt, the Battle of Hogwarts, and after I disown my canon realm for good. Seriously, if you have some nightmares again, just let us know: we’re all here for you and Mari is always there for you as much as you’re always there for her.

The kind support and reception he is receiving are too overwhelming yet welcoming as everyone gathered around him to give him a warm hug, Mari’s being the tightest of all. He never felt this much closer to home than with this unlikely group of people, animals, and what have you, but it is probably true in a way. It might tempting to ask Ahk to bring his folks back to the world of the living, but that would too much hassle and trouble to ask for. The whole 11 months felt like quite a wild ride for sure and yet it is the most fulfilling he has ever lived through, and he couldn’t ask for more than find his place among these strange modern day waters and have an amazing life with his new unlikely ‘family’ and his beloved darling.

The End

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mellz117 · 4 years

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Hi! I’m Mellz and I’m starting up Kingdom Hearts 2 on the PlayStation 2!

Just below are links to the first parts of my previous Kingdom Hearts plays.

[ KH1 ] _ [ Re:CoM Sora ] _ [ KH Re:CoM Riku ]

It’s been a hot minute, like 3,155,763 smoldering hot minutes, which would be 6 years including leap years. Yeah it was 01/27/2014 last I touched this game, exactly 6 years ago to this day (01/27/2020) as of me starting up again. This was an accident.

Guide thingy: Things like long gaps between commentary and days will be separated by a line of dots like that -> ……

Text relating to an image posted will have a blockquote either above and/or below the image

Dialogue exchanges will also be separated by a blockquote

Ok I'm playing on standard difficulty, if I'm having a hard time, then I just suck. If you’re reading this and haven’t experienced KH2 for yourself, why are you here? Go away, there’s spoilers for things that aren’t revealed until later.

SO LET’S JUST JUMP INTO IT

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I always liked this fancy CGI opening. There’s a lot of things I missed last I saw it.

IT’S HIM. Look how cute he is!

So we start off with a recap of Kingdom Hearts via a dream it seems and our protagonist, my precious boy Roxas, wakes up his own home all alone because apparently DiZ didn't create a digital family for him. But KH is notorious for forgetting parents, so maybe they did. I’m not Cinema Sins so I wont ping this game for not giving Roxas fake parents lmao

In the next scene Roxas is more interested in his own hands than he is in his friends' conversation.

blurry ring textures, blurry checker pattern. Not everything holds up well on a flat screen TV

He hasn't been paying attention so he's just as confused as the player is at this point when he finally takes his attention off his hands.

This dialogue is so early 2000's. KH1 and CoM avoided this but with the urban setting of Twilight Town it's DEFINITELY noticeable and outdated. So rumors have spread about Roxas, Hayner, Pence, and Olette that photographs are being stolen, and THEY'RE the theives. Who is the operator of the rumor mill? Seifer and his posse. Also the actual WORD is gone too, they try to say “photo” but it just DOESN’T EXIST. This is where the game gets a bit odd.

TUTORIALS GALORE. I JUST WANT TO PAUSE AND CHANGE THE CAMERA CONTROLS STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MY NEXT OBJECTIVE but no no it’s telling me how to lock on, control my camera, context sensitive buttons, etc

This girl’s dress looks like shes wearing a bra over it

I like how the animal AI hasn't changed at all in this entire series. And by like I mean hate, KH3 doesn't change that. Sven is as boring as this cat we have to look at.

The gang heads to the sandlot where Seifer, Fuujn, Raijin, and Vivi like to hang out I guess? Vivi is a little, solid black, wizard dwarf amongst all these regular humans and no one bats an eye. This shit is normal. Seifer with his stupid Seto Kaiba jacket, shows up to further accuse Roxas and his friends of stealing photos, one specifically of Roxas flat on his face and Seifer standing triumphantly over him (which we’re actually shown later). "That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers" he says in regards to it and challenges Roxas to a rematch.

A+ dialogue

Seifer. My dude, ya dumb-dumb. If you think for one second that I'm gonna let my boy lose to you, you are sorely mistaken.

“If you get on your knees and beg, maybe I’ll let it slide.” Seifer says and Roxas plays it slick, taking a knee and looking through a convenient selection of foam weapons. Battle ensues.

So of course I win because Seifer is a pleb, and Pence takes a commemorative ______ of Roxas's sound victory, but oh no! Something stole the camera right out of Pence's hands! Roxas gives chase, because apparently he's the only one who cares enough to do so, and confronts the actual thief, a Dusk type Nobody. Roxas is taking this creature encounter rather calmly. Like mild confusion at most.

I hate these things, they're creepy. When you do a reversal on them they like, plant their hands on the ground behind them and their legs wrap around their arms while they spaz out. Ughghdhahh

Of course Roxas's foam bat doesnt cause any damage to the Dusk, and suddenly a familiar giant key digitally manifests in his hands. DiZ is installing mods I see. I have a Keyblade mod in Skyrim, so we have something in common.

After we defeat the thief the next scene shows the gang at the usual spot with the recovered photos. Ok ok so was "photo" the only word deleted from the vocabulary or were any other alternative words taken away too? Like, if they could have said "picture" this whole time, they would have had much less stupid sounding dialogue exchanges. Whatever lmao.

“Tell us about the picture thief.”

“Not much to say. The pictures were just lying there.”

You liar. Tell them about how you fought a wormy, white boy.

Pence notices all the pics are of Roxas and speculates the picture thief wanted to take the REAL Roxas and Hayner is like

The best friendships are ones where you can take jabs at each other and know there’s no malice intended.

In the scene thereafter, the kids go their separate ways, the evening(?) sun assaults Roxas's eyes, and whenever he closes them he gets another vision? Idk what time of day it is it always looks the same.

God ok as someone who hadn’t played CoM before playing KH2 for the first time, I must have been SUPER lost regarding who DiZ and Namine were and why Sora is in the pod. More recaps of KH1: I don’t know why they found it necessary to redub over the old voices with the new actors in these flashbacks.

Moving on. Roxas learns what the Keyblade is through his dreams. On his way to meet up with his friends, he tries summoning the Keyblade with a stick, when that doesn’t work he carelessly throws it aside and it hits this cloak clad man behind him. This dude is either completely unfazed by that is or so offended he can’t even say anything and walks away before he goes all Karen on Roxas’s ass.

We’re back at the usual spot and summer vacation is nearing it’s end. Hayner wants to go to the beach before school is back in session! You poor fuckers...

Same, dude. I’m waiting on my tax returns, looking forward to that.

SKATEBOARD

“TO DEFEAT THE HUNSSSSSSS!”

Pretzels at the beach? Salty and not refreshing. I got you fam, I’ll make enough money for a watermelon. Roxas is so poor omg... How much is 150 Munny in American currency?

Just BEAT the cargo with a foam bat. What’s IN the bag? Is it trash? Clothes? Is it potentially breakable? Next. Time to beat some bees!

So Poster Duty was my go-to job in this game in the past because you could get 100 Munny if you did well. But now that I’m older I realized how annoying it is. I had an efficient route planned out, hit as many of the 3 poster placements in that route, and be over and done with that in about 1:10....

But then Roxas goes aND DOES THIS!

FUCKING SKIPS THE ONE DIRECTLY NEXT TO HIM, DEFYING GRAVITY IN FAVOR OF THE POSTS BELOW

HE DOES THIS CONSISTENTLY!! I do have a live reaction to this but it’s too big for tumblr. I’ll have it up on youtube one of these days

Eventually I stopped sticking posters to walls and became a mailman until the game made me stop.

Black-clad man is back with his own stick! Oof, Roxas eats the pavement and is manhandled by cloaky boy. WAS THIS ROUGH TREATMENT REALLY THAT NECESSARY? You might wanna treat Sora's Nobody with a little more respect. AND YOU STOLE HIS HARD-EARNED MONEY! YOU BASTARD!

The gang is on the clock tower, very dangerously high up. Wtf what if someone falls?! Roxas feels so guilty about what happened and Hayner gets over this little fiasco pretty quickly and the next day he already has another fun plan.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

On his way to the station, Roxas crosses paths with Pence and Olette, the latter two freeze and Roxas meets Namine. Is her interest in Roxas linked to her desire to be Sora’s friend? A strange girl tells Roxas she wanted to meet him “at least once” and he doesn’t know what to do lol. Namine doesn’t stay long, leaving Roxas with his confusion. What is going through his head? A girl he doesn’t know seems to know him well enough to want to see him. Pence and Olette unfreeze after Namine is out of the shot. Pence and Olette have such a cute relationship, I’d love for them to be siblings. Pence goes shopping with her even if he might not want to. I can relate, I hate clothes shopping.

These Dusks don’t seem like too much of a threat tbh, they just kinda swagger slowly towards Roxas and grab his hand. Roxas hardly struggles to escape to the sandlot.

Chicken wuss

WE FINALLY GET SOMEWEHERE, we end up on the stained glass pillars in the Station of Serenity (?). Time to grind for like 5 minutes because this giant noodle boy already killed me once.

This thing really unsettles me. All the creature Nobodies do! They’re all twitchy and stretchy. DISGUSTING

DAMN THAT IS A HIGH FALL HOW DO YOU SURVIVE THAT?!

Upon defeat, this big noodle boy falls on top of Roxas and Namine saves him from being enveloped by darkness.

Namine really seems to like to silence him. First she shoves her hand in his face but that was too forward. This time she daintily places a finger over her lips and says her part. Black-cloak guy shows up, rough handles Namine a little bit but not as roughly as he did Roxas. AND SHOVES ROXAS INTO A PORTAL

SEIFER IS AN OPPORTUNISTIC SHITLET POSING IN FRONT OF HIS UNCONSIOUS BODY. Bitch you didn’t earn that. Hayner, Pence, and Olette see Roxas with Seifer’s gang, Hayner feels betrayed thinking Roxas ghosted him in favor of Seifer. He stays pretty salty about it for a good while

IM NOT WORKING ON THIS LIKE I SHOULD. ITS ALMOST A MONTH SINCE STARTING. In my next post we'll be "Struggling" to progress. Eh? Eh? Get it? Like the tournament?

I'm not funny.

Here’s the next part: [ _2_ ]

Below is a compilation of my live reactions and comments throughout this point of the game.

youtube

#mellz plays kh2 #Kingdom Hearts Series #kingdom hearts 2 #kh2 #PlayStation 2 #square enix #disney #mellz post

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boogiewrites · 5 years

Text

Choking On Sapphires 75

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Title & Song: Just Like Heaven

Summary: Genevieve hosts Passover Seder at her home with all her staff and their families. She goes to Alfie’s sisters to have Seder meal with his entire family. Will she find the family she’s been missing with the Solomons’? **Chapter song is Just Like Heaven by The Cure .**

Warnings/Tags: Domestic FLUFF. Meeting Alfie’s family. Passover Seder. FLUFF. Did I say fluff? Talk of marriage and babies. Sibling bickering.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

In the midst of a room full of people, you have an introspective moment to yourself. Not only your dining room, which had been surrounded by a solid circle of mix-matched chairs to accommodate all the Jewish Families that surrounded it on this first Seder meal of Passover. You even brought in another table for their children to sit at to make sure everyone was included. As the children were an integral part of the holiday.

You had started planning this holiday meal weeks ago and had culminated that early morning with the burning of the chametz in the large fireplace in the kitchen. Then the people started to arrive. You had your girls who worked for you invite anyone they might have in their lives, the employees of Abeille and otherwise were to bring their entire families, extended and all to celebrate with you. You wanted to share the good fortune you'd been blessed with this past year and you thought giving back to those who helped you every day was a good start. You'd been blessed with record-breaking business profits, had the good fortune to travel and see old friends and Altar, you'd come out alive and still able-bodied after the violence against you and yours you'd endured. On the day of you found yourself most thankful for the man that had been tottering along beside you all day. The past year you had Alife intimately involved in your life and as you both managed the house as if it were jointly your own already, you couldn't help but feel a spirit of true gratitude that encompassed the holiday itself.

You had all your rooms in your guest wing, both up and downstairs fitted with enough amenities to house the families for the night. You'd gone through the rituals and now had eaten and sang, read and recited and taught the children and now with full bellies, hearts, and minds everyone was in a lovely warm lull of conversation in the dining room after the final prayers of ""L'shanah haba'ah b'Yerushalayim! – Next year in Jerusalem!"

As the non-Jewish staff show the families into the drawing room and the sleepy children to the nursery you sit with Alfie at the head of the table in your tall-backed, ornate chairs. You'd pushed them arm to arm and you have stayed that way the entire evening. Currently, the women were scooping up children and fussing over them as they followed your girls up the stairs but you stayed by your love's side. With your arm wrapped around his, your legs lazily crossed towards him, feeling the warm effects as the number of glasses of wine you'd had. Alfie was chatty and red-faced from the wine, his posture comfortable, legs spread wide in his chair as he laughed and gossiped with the other men. It seemed at first that there might be some tension, the appearance of a known gangster at a Passover Seder, but it was soon apparent he was there for the same reasons they were. His charisma overtook any hesitancy as it always could and everyone was put into a friendly state of mind as the rituals concluded and it was shown that both of you were, in fact, practicing and not only potentially bloodthirsty people of business. The men's laughter, particularly Alfie's so rough and loud was as warm as the recently fed fire to your left on the wall of the dining room. The dark night outside was a lovely backdrop for the orange and red hues dancing across the dimly lit room as it prepared to be put to bed, the same as it's occupants.

"The misses and I will be retiring for the night." Alfie announced loudly to a room of chattering people.

"I've been going all day and I must admit I am not the young woman I once was." you say with a charming laugh. "So I'll be stealing Mr. Solomons away with me, I'm afraid." you smile broadly. "It was lovely meeting you all. I'll be seeing you at breakfast in the morning. Shalom. Kol Tuv. (Peace. Be well.)"

"L'hitraot!" Alfie says with a wave as his hand rests on your back, seeing you out of the room first before making an endearing exit with a little bow that you found delightful.

"Of all my days I've seen this could possibly feel like the longest." you say with a soft chuckle, moving to lift your dress and lightly kick your shoes off your feet. You begin to reach behind you to undo your dress when Alfie moves in behind you and takes your hands.

"It's not over yet, chooki.(honey/sweetie)" he grins and kisses the backs of your hands. "Slip on those little fluffy slippers ya like so much 'an follow me." he says, placing the soft satin shoes at your feet and holding up your dress for you as you keep your eyes on his face, seeing the softness there that made your eyes want to tear with contentment as your painted toes fumbled with their place in the shoes.

He takes you by the hand, fingers interlaced fully as he tugs you into your study, up the secretive spiral stairs into your music room and stops before the double doors that lead out to the balcony. "Now here," he says softly, putting his jacket around your shoulders. "Still a bit cold out, yeah? Not gonna have ya catchin' somefin' and not going to me own family's Seder, eh?" he teases. His hands are gentle to your face as he pats it affectionately before taking you out onto the balcony. "Couldn't pass up an opportunity with a moon like 'is on a clear night could I?" he says as if it's obvious as you reposition his coat on your body as it lay heavy and large.

"It is lovely. What's the occasion?" you ask with a tilted head and eyes reflecting a moon and innocence in the way you looked at him.

He sighs, taking your hands into his as you wait patiently for him. He wanted to commemorate the night in a special way and he'd found just that while he was at his oldest sisters house a few weeks back. "You being a perfect hostess," he says with a dip of his chin and a smile that still made your knees weak when it was directed at you. "You were the portrait of a matriarch tonight, love. Utterly stunnin'. Both in appearance and behavior." he says dramatically, his head moving back and forth, squeezing your hands in his large, warm ones. "I wanted to ease any lingering worry you might 'ave 'bout how you did tonight. You've been such a mess about it." he chuckles. "But I believe the wine and your exemplary performance might've taken away the last of the nerves you were holdin' onto, eh?" he grins and kisses your cheek.

"The wine did help." you laugh and smile. "But you being there helped more." you coo and wrinkle your nose affectionately at him.

"And I will always be there to ease your busy bee of a mind, yeah?" he says, stepping in closer and giving a soft nod of his forehead agaisnt yours. "You have shown me tonight that any doubts, no matter how small they may be, yeah? Any doubts that I might've had about bein' with a Jewish woman, about bein' wif you, were the most utterly ridiculous things to ever pass me mind. 'N I've had some bloody ridiculous fings moving 'round in this 'ol head as you well know." he gives you a playful smile you return in full. "But I was a man who only knew certainty in one part of me life before you. 'N 'at was how I could react to fings. I had nuffin' I knew for certain beyond meself." he pauses and nods his chin your way. "But then there's you, eh?" he let's go of your hands and takes you into his arms slowly as he speaks. His hands giving you a squeeze around your torso before one large, bejeweled hand moves to cup your cheek. "A man craves certainty dunnit he? And when it comes to you I have more certainty in how I feel 'bout you than I do anyfing else in me life. I know I love you, yeah? And I know you love me. 'N 'at's all a man needs in this world innit? Love of a good woman to keep him straight. Give him a purpose beyond the material. And Genny love, my perfect little Channah..." he sighs and the subtle but moving smile on his lips makes your heart thump in your chest. The moon casting blue shadows across your faces, feeling the warmth radiating from his body blocking out the cold of the still night air around you as you stood on your stone balcony overlooking the gardens. "I 'ave only ever truly loved two women in my life. That'd be me mum," he gives a supportive nod to his own statement, "And you." he says with pouted lips, a gentle press of his full lips to your forehead, leaving a warmness that tingled down to your toes as he circled behind you. "'N 'is." he says pulling out a simple diamond necklace. "Belonged to me mum." he says, the diamond sparkling in its newly polished setting in the moonlight as it dangled in front of your face as he brought it down around your neck. You felt his square tipped fingers latching it shut behind you. The countless nights of him undressing you slowly, taking off your jewelry piece by piece for you before bed had served him well as your mane of hair no longer was an obstacle he didn't know how to work around. "'N I fink she would love for you to have it. As much as I would. And after tonight it only makes sense that it finds it's new home around a new powerful and strong Jewish woman's neck. 'N that'd be you, love." he finishes, eyes looking down at your delicate and touched expression as tears threaten to fall from his sweet words. Your fingers are light against the stone. A simple rounded stone, not tiny and not large. Something modest and beautiful to serve as a reminder of where he came from to both of you.

"Ari, darling." you whisper, the stone glittery in your fingers as you looked at it. "It's gorgeous."

"Had her polished and reset, yeah? Cleaned her up and got a new chain for ya." he explains, his strong and masculine looking fingers with their callouses and hair and broken nails serve a stark contrast against the frail beauty of the thin gold chain. "I know it's not as grand as you're used to but-"

"Don't even think it." you say, your eyes shooting up fast to meet his as you shake your head. "It's perfect." you say quietly, moving to wrap your arms around his neck and meet him in a gentle kiss. "This night was perfect. You're perfect. You've given me everything a girl could want Ario. Love and certainty." you whisper against his lips. "Protection and support." you kiss him again. "It is humble... and as we should be together as well. For we can't take for granted or scorn the sort of gifts we've been given can we? We're too blessed to be greedy now. Our lives together are different than they were apart. Just as they should be. Together we're powerful, but let it serve as a reminder to always be humble. As we both know what it's like to have nothing." you say with your fingers lightly in his fluffy beard. The wrinkles in the corner of his eyes are settled now in his tiredness and content he feels at your words and actions. A peace he had long felt he didn't deserve but now knew he had because of you. If he didn't deserve it for all the things he'd done, he would gladly be the man to give you what you deserved. And he thought you deserved the world.

"And without you I have nothing." he whispers back, hands mingling together with timid fingers against each other's faces and bodies as you interlock your lips in a passionate wordless display of your love for each other. "And because of that... let's get us to bed, yeah? Not gonna lose ya to the bloody cold now am I?" he grins, a soft kiss full of lip and whisker against your cheek and neck as he pulls his jacket around you tighter, his arm across your small shoulders, shielding you from the very chill he was fearful of.

------ Your eyes are downturned and unblinking. Alfie was pretty sure you hadn't blinked since getting in the car. He saw your nails fidget over each other, the way you would be so lost in thought you'd forget to breathe for a moment and have to take a deep breath. He was now expert in reading all your nervous signs and he knew there would be plenty tonight.

"Love?" he says with a subtle shake of his head, reaching out and patting at your hands. "Stop that now. Ya actin' like you're goin' to be interrogated." he lets out an amused chuckle.

"Well I am in some capacity aren't I?" you say, turning your head with pursed lips of offense taken his way.

He opens his mouth to form a rebuttal but closes it instead, shrugging and looking away. You weren't wrong.

"This just-"

"Means a lot. I know, pet." he says with a sigh, reaching out and taking your hand this time. "But you look lovely, and you are lovely. I have no doubts they'll be perfectly acceptin' of ya dear. If they put up wif me, why wouldn't they want someone as hospitable as you, eh?"

"I'll be fine once I'm there. I'll put my confident face over my nervous one." you say with a nod of your head. "My word how did you stay so calm meeting Altar?" you let out a laugh that surprises him.

"Well I wunnit." he lets out an amused hum.

"Not to speak poorly of your family at all but I believe Altar would be far more intimidating than anyone you've got waiting for me at your sisters." you say with a smile.

"You haven't met my nephew." he laughs.

"Your nephew? Who is he?"

"You'll know 'em when ya see 'im." he grins. "But he's harmless really. Well to you anyway."

"What do you mean to me?" your eyes narrow.

"Well, he boxes for me. Good lad. Not undefeated but he is a beast."

"If he has you overseeing him I have no doubt." you say with your usual sweet charm back, giving his chin an affection scratch as you forget for a moment that you're about to meet your future in-laws. -------

"What a darling house." you say standing and waiting for Alfie to finish grunting as he stretches his legs and adjusts his coat.

"Yeah me sister didn't want it until she saw it." he laughs.

"Didn't want it?" you ask with a tilt of your head.

"I bought it for her." he says with an obvious tone. "Got all the loons houses after their husbands passed in the war." he says holding out his arm for you to take as you ascend the short case of stone stairs up to the masonry home,

"You are the sweetest man." you coo, beaming up at him.

"You said it yaself, real estate's an easy way to hide money innit?" he winks and gives you a cheeky grin.

"Hide your kindess, darling." you laugh and give his strong arm a smooch through his jacket before he holds his hand in front of the large red door.

"Ready? Ya look good. Ya beautiful as always but approachable." he gives you a reassuring nod.

"Ready." you say with a smile, feeling oddly calm. You hear the voices of a large family inside and you take a deep breath. This is what you'd been wanting for years now. A family to come to, children and elders and brothers and sisters to bicker and gossip with. Alfie was giving you that, bringing you into his. This was the beginning of a new chapter in your life. One with a close family. ------

"SHALOM!" a man dressed in a similar fashion to Alfie answers the door, older with far more white in his hair that's worn as unkempt as Alfie's was when you first met him.

"SHALOM, Uncle." he says as the man comes at him with wide arms that encase him in a hug that makes Alfie let out an uncomfortable grunt.

"We never see you anymore! Only at holidays! I'm an old man and you are the last of Peninah's boys, I should be seeing you more!" he exclaims, holding his face and giving it a firm pat before even noticing you. "And who is THIS?!" he says with a face that lit up like a firework at the possibilities of who you might be.

"This is my darling Genevieve Durand." he says proudly, a strong hand to your back as he presents you to the enthusiastic man.

"WHO IS IT?" a woman's voice comes from behind the man.

"It it little Ari and he has BROUGHT A WOMAN!" he says loudly before he begins laughing.

"A WHAT?!" a chorus of voices comes from inside the warmth of the house.

"Not all of 'em knew you's comin'." he says quietly in your ear as a gaggle of women approach.

"Oh dear." you say with a nervous smile.

"Oh and a lovely one at that!" one says pushing the uncle out of the way and moving to take your hands. "And who are you? Come! Come!" she says pulling you into the home and taking your coat.

"I'm Genevieve Durand. Shalom, chag sameach (happy fesitval)." you say as they eyeball you and you politely nod time and time again with your greetings to each.

"Let me see her!" a loud booming woman's voice comes from around the corner. As soon as you saw her you knew she had to be one of Alfie's sisters. She was a broad woman, older than him with the same dark gingery hair and full lips. "Oh!" she says with a pleased smile. "I knew to capture the old hound's heart she'd have to be a vision and she is!" she says embracing you in a hug that makes your stomach flutter with the unconditional affection you were receiving. You didn't know what to expect out of the Solomons family but it was clear that love was in no short supply.

"And in mother's necklace." a woman younger than the first, with bright ginger hair and a sweet round face, a baby in her arms. "I was so excited to hear Ari finally found himself someone. And he did not sell your beauty short. You have that man under your thumb, love." she laughs and hugs you with one arm. "Where's Sarah? She's not believed that he'd bring someone." she laughs.

"Ya gonna scare her off." he laughs, bringing you in close to his side.

"Nonsense! If she can handle you she can handle us." the older one says.

"This is Matilda." Alfie motions towards the red-haired woman with the baby in her arms. "The baby." he says with a quick pinch of her chin. "And that old mare is Rachel." he laughs as she shoves him before giving his cheek a hard pinch.

"I'm older than him so he has to listen to me. This is why he's such a little boy who throws around insults." she says with an amused nod of her head.

"Oh my word she is real." the middle sister, still older than Alfie comes into view. She has beautiful but tired blue eyes like his and the same strong nose. Her dark hair is worn up and is falling along the edges, presumably from cooking as she wears an apron with stains smudged on it over her dress.

"I am." you say with a soft chuckle.

"Bless you for putting up with our Ari for us!" she laughs and embraces you. "Mind the apron love wouldn't want to dirty up that lovely dress." she gets out quickly, pushing her hips away from you. "You were Genny correct?"

"You may call me Gen if you wouldn't mind. Ari is the only one that won't stop calling me Genny." you laugh with a bashful bow of your head. "But if you'd prefer, call me Chanah. It is my given name by my mother."

"A strong and pretty name for a woman of the same qualities." she remarks. "The boy never listens does he?" she grins with a knowing smile. "And calling him Ari. How precious are you too?"

"Oh my apologies. I suppose I got comfortable fast with you." you smile. "What with how everyone's been so nice and welcoming."

"Love, our little brother has never brought a woman home. Let alone giving her our mother's necklace. To me you're married already. So welcome to the family, Chanah. Chanah Solomons. Does have a nice sound to it methinks." she laughs and bops Alfie's nose.

"Our upcoming engagement is merely a formality as far as I'm concerned. Treat her as one of us. I do." he beams proudly and kisses the side of your head. "We are only not betrothed because I must find a means grand enough to propose to this perfect woman. She deserves the stars and I am finding a way to pull them from the sky for her." he laughs and it makes you blush.

"Ugh! And to make him speak so sweet!" the youngest Matilda swoons.

"Then Chanah, welcome!" Rachel says happily. "Let us go to the kitchen, eh? Let him get interrogated by the men so they won't embarrass you too much, yeah?" she smiles and puts her hand to your back to move you down the hall.

"See you in a bit, love." he says with a wink. "Don't be too honest wif 'em 'bout me, eh?" he laughs as the large hands of the male family members move to pat him on the back and yank him into the other room. ----------- Alfie is certainly interrogated as he's sat down in the middle of the worn couch with its almost threadbare arms surrounded by his curious family. An amused look on his nephew Goliath's face as he sees his uncle being forced to undergo a downpour of questions.

"We met at a club and worked together." he'd answer. "She helped me out when me house caught fire, remember 'at?" he tried to explain. "It just sorta happened. As it does, yeah? What was I supposed to do? Say no to a rich, smart, beautiful woman who for some reason, bless her, wanted to be wif me?" he laughs.

"And you love her. I can tell." the oldest man says, giving his beaming approval to the last bachelor of his group finally finding his match.

"I do, yeah." he nods with his lips pursed.

"And will she be joining us soon? A little Misses Alfred Ari Solomons?" he chuckles.

"Wifin the month." he says with a confident nod and the smattering of celebratory applause

"Then may she say yes and all your endeavors together be fruitful! Bring us many more children and another strong woman into our family. For it takes a strong one to deal with us Solomons'." he raises a glass and those who have one follow suit. "L'chaim!" they all call out.

"You got yourself a pretty one Uncle." one of his teenage nephews says, walking in from the kitchen where you'd been sequestered. "I've read about her in the papers. She's got right large... assets dunnit she?" he lets out a snorting laugh as Alfie reaches out and smacks the side of his head.

"Abe, boy watch yourself. You may think you have to worry 'bout me hearin' that talk but that woman'll kill y if she hears it." he says with a wagging finger and a smirk. If only he knew he was being entirely serious.

In a kitchen you did not know your way around you were holding plates up high to avoid the darting children that kept running around with no forewarning. You were flattered they let you help set up the table. They didn't know you but were placing faith in you that you knew what you were doing and luckily for you, you had done this just the day before. The meal goes by without a hitch. You knew the words to the prayers and songs, and except for your amateur understanding of the older men speaking Yiddish and Hebrew amongst each other, you couldn't have been clocked for anything other than a born and raised Jewish woman.

The four cups of wine once again have you feeling floating and unconcerned as you and Alfie both answer questions as they come. He holds your hand and affectionately rests his arm across the back of your chair through the conversation after the meal. The children are put to bed, most carried and some of the extended family left as the little ones were worn out from the festivities. Alfie offers to help carry already snoozing babies from upstairs as you stand back and let the family fall into their obviously well-practiced exit strategy as you stand back and take a moment to take in the photos on the walls.

The section of the hallway with the half table covered in flowers with candles and very old and worn photographs in nice frames holds your attention. A boy who so much resembled Alfie in a uniform sat among a scattering of faces, some who were barely legible. A couple, a broad and strong man with a beard and a stern face sits next to a woman who has a sweet round face like Matilda. You guessed these were his parents. He really did resemble his father, all the children did. The Solomons have strong genes it seemed and you give a sad smile to the photo of his brother you'd never meet, forever memorialized as young and powerful with the same brightness in his eyes that you saw in Alfie's when he would allow himself to really be amused by something. You wonder what sort of empire there could've been if his brother had lived. But then again, who knows how he would've come back from the war, you knew Alfie was certainly different than when he had left. You see his uniformed picture hanging on the wall next to group photos of him and his siblings as children. At each bar and bat mitzvah reciting they stand with their mouths open. Young Alfie looking so darling and sweet you reach out to touch the photo of him in his Captain's uniform. He looked like he belonged to have a uniform to show his importance, you hadn't thought you'd like it as it reminded you of your brother and all the trouble he had coming back home. But Alfie was too beautiful and strong to dislike in your eyes. It was clear one was taken before and one after the war. A common uniform in the first with a baby face and clean shaven. His eyes were open and his back straight, the naivety only youth can give in his soft face. The other was closer to as he was now. Posture not as strong, brow low and hard with the wear shown in his tired eyes and bearded face. You glance over the collage of photographs, your mind can't help but wonder what your children might look like. As your fingertips touch his delicate face from his youth you're startled out of your fantasies of your son looking just as handsome as his father one day.

"I'm afraid I 'on't look quite as charming clean shaven nowadays." he laughs, coming up and wrapping his arm around your waist.

"Nonsense." you say withdrawing your hand.

"But ya like ya men to look like just 'at, yeah? Like men." he says playfully, nudging his nose against your hair.

"Manly men." you giggle. "Ones that look like you." you smile and kiss his cheek. "Jewish men who say lovely things about me to their sisters." you add with a dip of your chin.

"Ah. I shouldn't 'ave given 'em the ammo to use against me. Now I'm gonna be Mrs. Durand next time they see me." he laughs.

"Maybe I'll be Mrs. Solomons next time I see them." you give a cheeky grin.

"I believe 'at you will, pet." he says with a sweet but lingering kiss.

"All this wine and talk of marriage and babies has me feeling all amorous, darling. Are we to leave soon?" you ask with a soft voice.

"I was comin' to gather ya to do just 'at." he nods and wraps his arms around your back to bring you to his side to walk down the hall.

"Everyone finks ya just lovely ya know. But of course, they do."

"I'm relieved. They were so welcoming. I've never been around such warm people."

"You've not been around YOUR people sweetheart. And ya are now. Ya one of us. We take care of our own."

"I think they would've been happy to see you with anyone what with how they spoke of your bachelorhood."

"Well ya innit wrong." he shrugs. "But they also know now of your work like ya told 'em. Ya own business, home, and money. And ya clearly smart and well-read. I couldn't have done better for meself if I'd hired one of 'em match makers what my mum always insisted upon."

"Only in that circumstance am I glad you didn't listen to her."

"Me uncles was talkin' 'bout how lovely ya looked in her necklace. Almost like she was here again they said. She had the same dark hair like you 'ave ya seen?"

"I saw a picture of her in the hallway I believe."

"Was she wif an angry man what looked like me?" he grins.

"She was."

"Then 'at's her." he chuckles.

"I can't wait to have our portrait made. We can pose just like them and since I have a vague resemblance to her it'll be a lovely sentiment. Like proof that the generations are moving forward and still holding onto their past."

"You sure you stopped at four glasses 'a wine love?" he teases. "Ya talkin' all poetic on me."

"I did. I'm a good Jewish woman. I'm not supposed to drink after."

"'At you are love. My perfect little Chanah." he whispers in your ear as you reach the door and he puts on your coat, waiting for his sisters to say goodbye as they put their own children to bed. "I 'ave been instructed by the elders to go forth and be fruitful I must warn ya. I 'on't know what you'd like to get into this evenin' love but all this pride over ya has got me knowing exactly what it is I wanna get into." he gives a cheeky growl as he reaches down to pinch your bum.

"Ari!" you giggle as he plants a noisy kiss on your cheek.

"Oh look at 'em!" Rachel coos. "You two go and get out. Make me some nieces and nephews." she laughs as she kisses both yours and Alfie's cheeks. "Next time I see you I'll be calling you sister. And I'll be proud to do it, love." she says squeezing your hands. "You keep little Ari in line for me, yeah?"

"I'll do my best." you say as he keeps his hand firm on your behind.

"Let me go 'ave me fun Rachel. I'll be by. You'll see us at Temple now, yeah? At least 'is 'n. You'll know her face and can make sure she reads off everything proper." he teases.

"I'll pray for you to have the strength to deal with him." she laughs as she sees you out the door.

"Lovely meal and chag seamach! Thank you for having me."

"Shalom sweetie! Goodnight!" she says closing the door.

"Now my little misses. You been properly introduced. And we're sloshing wif wine and all this talk of family has this old man feelin' some sort of way." he laughs his hand snaking down to cup your breast as his arm slides across your shoulders, bringing you in close. "How's 'bout a kiss 'til we get home, eh? Like a couple 'a snoggin' young fings, yeah? Get you good 'n ready for me when we get in?" his hand moves firm on your chest with his other hand bringing up your chin to meet your lips together.

"I've seen the young pictures of you now, Ari. I'm certainly anxious to see what your sons will look like now. Let's not let the family down, yes? We need to make sure we know how best to be fruitful for when we're married. Practice makes perfect doesn't it?" you giggle as his eyes glaze over, his plush lips brushing against yours as you speak in a quiet and girlish way to him in the dark of the car.

"You don't need no practice, love. Ya already perfect innit?" he purrs, his lips gentle against your lower lip, taking his time.

"You already have me won, Ari, just take your prize." you insist with a wrinkle of your nose. A command he gladly follows, your lips finding one another's enthusiastically and for the entire duration of the ride home.

@fangirlfreakingout @jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester @lookuptheskyisfalling-blog @brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r @iliveonchocolateandnetflix @jess2464 @hardygal69 @thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @wtf-is-wrong-with-this @shine-dont-shadow @inkinterrupted @vale0413 @lafayettes-baguettes-1 @sxlomons @aphnxrising @emerald-bijou @elaenom @give-jack-a-lightsaber @anrm1 @ultrablackwidower @tinastarkandco @arrowswithwifi @marvelgirl7 @they-are-not-just-stories @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes

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mobianflame · 4 years

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Twin siblings, 32, 'found dead in joint suicide' were My Large Fat Gypsy Wedding ceremony stars - Mirror Online

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Paired bros found dead with each other in a suspected dual suicide have been named as superstars of My Major Fat Gypsy Wedding Celebration.

The physical bodies of the 32-year-old siblings, named locally as Bill as well as Joe Smith, a dad-of-two, were found in forest in a segregated country street in Sevenoaks, Kent, merely times after Christmas.

Heartbroken household, pals and members of the UK's journeying area have commemorated the siblings, along with one composing on Facebook: "The love they ate one yet another. They couldt online along with out each other." [sic]

An additional created: "They both took their own lifestyles. Hard times is swarming one of our folki."

A third included: "Born together and left behind the earth with each other.

Have you been actually influenced through the accident? Email [email protected].

"Male anxiety actually is actually as solid as some other and also it needs to be made as informed as any kind of other and they must seem like they can talk up like any kind of other individual the monsters gained these lovely life's." [sic]

Describing the tributes, member of the family Phoebe Charleen Smith informed Looking glass Online: "My cousins were loved all over the planet, as you can easily find."

Billy's partner, Kristina Davey, from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, wrote on social networks: "Hardest day of my life. SLIT my ideal Bill, you were thus natural so lovely.

"You produced me the happiest woman - performed every little thing for me, revealed me like I never had. You always view things like this yet you merely never think it'll occur to you.

"I can not feel I must kind this with each other battling to speak don't bother placed a sentence with each other. I am actually gon na make you therefore glad my Costs, my life, my angel."

Good friend Jane Chippendale claimed Expense and also Joe, the father of a young son as well as little girl, functioned for their uncle's landscape design company and also had actually lately stayed at her house in Tunbridge Wells for almost pair of months after earlier staying in Weald.

She final observed all of them a month back when they left, telling her they were mosting likely to reside at an aunt's property, quickly after they returned coming from a trip to Thailand.

Mrs Chippendale pointed out by means of tears: "I'm still in surprise. It doesn't create feeling. Their garments are putting up in my restroom.

"They felt like boys when they were right here.

"They were so identical.

It was challenging to tell all of them apart." They inquired if they can come sphere at Christmas, yet I hadn't listened to anything coming from all of them."

The Johnson siblings wound up remaining at her home considering that a regional B&B was actually full.

She said to Looking glass Online: I have a cancer medical diagnosis. They delivered me an information saying 'keep good, you're heading to outlast each one of this'.

"The kids installed a fencing for me at the spine. They offered me cards for my special day.

"Our company obtained close thus rapidly. They were actually therefore sweet.

Top headlines stories coming from Mirror Online

"I may still see them grinning in front of me."

She pointed out there were actually no signs that just about anything such as this would occur.

Paddy Doherty, the Famous personality Big Bro winner and My Huge Fat Gypsy Wedding event star, inquired his enthusiasts to wish the Smith twins' loved ones, including their moms and dads and grandma.

He claimed in a Facebook video recording: "Pair of excellent appearing kids, God bless themselves.

"That's an awful disaster. Hope for the young boys' family members.

"I'm incredibly, incredibly unhappy for your problems.

"May The lord commiserate as well as The lord care for all of them."

At a wedding ceremony pair of weeks ago the siblings videotaped an online video as they performed and danced to Mariah Carey's All I Really wanted for Xmas Is You.

A Facebook consumer composed: "No one has TOMORROW this was actually videod lower than 2 full weeks ago there they had plenty of life as well as currently there gone. TOMORROW isn't promised for none people remainder in tranquility lads." [sic]

Both included in the 3rd set of My Major Fat Gypsy Wedding ceremony, which described them as Romani gypsies, when they were 24 as well as operating as garden enthusiasts.

An incident observed all of them throughout a shift in Kent, in the house where they covered the traveller way of living as well as marriage, and during a holiday in Tenerife prior to they were actually expected to settle and also begin loved ones.

The identical twins' physical bodies were actually discovered close to a ranch on the outskirts of Sevenoaks at approximately 11.30 get on Sunday.

It is mentioned that their family had recently expressed problem for their welfare.

Kent Police claimed the deaths are not presently being dealt with as suspicious and a coroner will certainly calculate the cause.

Post-mortems result from happen as well as an inquest is actually likely to be composed the brand new year.

Friends and family said to of their heartbreak in tributes published on Facebook.

One created: "Rest in calmness expense as well as joe this globes therefore heartless as well as in some cases the demons in your head receive the much better the lord labels you an angel way to very soon.

"Twin siblings discovered together god make this area a less complicated lifestyle for the broken hearted #suicideawareneness #malementalhealthisreal." [sic]

A spokeswoman said to Looking glass Online: "Kent Authorities was called at 11.34 get on Sunday after the body systems of pair of males were discovered in Dibden Lane, Sevenoaks.

"Queries into the situations encompassing the deaths are ongoing yet they are actually certainly not currently being treated as apprehensive.

"The near relative of each guys realize as well as being always kept improved."

Samaritans (116 123) works a 24-hour company on call everyday of the year. If you prefer to document exactly how you're experiencing, or even if you are actually stressed over being heard on the phone, you may email Samaritans at [email protected].

Childline (0800 1111) manages a helpline for youngsters and young folks in the UK. Phone calls are free of charge and the amount will not present up on your phone bill.

This content was originally published here.

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hannah-deserved-better · 5 years

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Why Castiel/Hannah should be a more mainstream ship

This is going to be a long essay, but I need to say it. For those of you who follow me, I’ve said a lot of the same things before, but I think it's finally time to address the naysayers head-on.

Now, before I continue, and before people accuse me of attacking their ship, that’s not what I am trying to do. Yes, Destiel shippers irritate me sometimes, but it’s not the ship itself that annoys me, it's the toxic haters that make up the ranks of that ship. You know who you are. I have every respect for Destiel, Megstiel, and any other ship, really. Just because I personally don’t ship it doesn’t mean I disrespect or hate on it.

But I also think that it's time that my ship also gets the recognition it deserves. And it’s time that Hannah, as a character, gets the respect she deserves. I am always disappointed by how little credit she gets from the fans, I am continually seeing mood boards, aesthetics, collages commemorating the women of Supernatural, or the angels of Supernatural and Hannah is regularly absent from these boards. And she deserves way more than to be forgotten.

I hope that, with the show coming to an end, people who plan to rewatch the show through will remember her and give her a chance to shine.

To illustrate why I think that Hanstiel should be counted among the more popular ships that in involve Castiel, I’d like to debunk the top 10 arguments I have had thrown in my direction by people who think they can bully me away from loving Hannah and Hanstiel.

But they are literal siblings!

Ugh. This argument. Okay if that’s what you think, fine, that’s your opinion, but you need to realize that this is up to personal interpretation. Yes, the angels consider themselves siblings, but it’s evident that the SPN writers don’t necessarily consider this a literal thing because there are a few incidents of angel pairings. Daniel and Adina, fallen angels, were clearly lovers. Also, if Chuck created angels, he also created humanity, but do you consider some random Human on the street your sibling? This is really an old argument, and it doesn’t hold much stock, but it's really up to personal belief about the show. You can’t force your views about this on me, and you can’t try to persuade me your opinion is right because it is just that- your opinion. Mine is valid too.

Also, a side note. If you ship Wincest but pull this ‘angels are siblings’ card, then you are a hypocrite.

But Caroline Johnson was married!

And? So was Jimmy Novak. Are you trying to imply that because Caroline was a woman, she needed to return to her husband any more than Jimmy Novak needed to return to his wife? This argument reeks of misogyny.

Hannah abandoned Castiel when she found out about his borrowed grace.

Yes, she did. But think about it from her point of view, she had this unwavering trust in Castiel as her leader and what he did was considered abhorrent to her and her fellow angels. Finding this out from Metatron instead of Castiel himself was no doubt a shock to her, and it left her scrambling to figure out how to reconcile this blow to her faith in him. And this doubt didn’t last long, as soon as she realized what was going on, she went right back to him and resumed her unwavering trust in him.

Hannah tried to tell Castiel to kill Dean

Again, see it from her point. She was trying to grasp and process what she had just learned. And she knew that angels were blowing themselves up in Castiel’s name. She didn’t want to believe it was true and she needed something to cling to. She doesn’t know the Winchesters, as well as Castiel, does, she has no reason to trust them, and she doesn’t understand the bond Castiel has with them.

Hannah tortured Castiel in season 11

No, Ephraim and Jonah tortured him. And even though it was revealed that Hannah was in on it, it also clear that she was pressured into it. Just look at how Ephraim and Jonah talk to her, they were very disrespectful to her, and it was clear this was their idea. And whatever part she played in this, she protested it, and in the end, she fought and died saving Castiel. She literally gave her life for him.

It’s Hannah’s fault Gadreel committed suicide!

No, it's not. Hannah came down to the prison, and it's clear she wanted to try to understand Castiel’s stance. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been down there in the first place. Castiel and Gadreel didn’t need a guard. She was trying to sort it all out, and Gadreel acted impulsively.

Hannah is hot-tempered and impulsive

Hell yeah, she is. She tried to attack Tessa when Tessa called her weak, and she totally started the fight with Adina. Oh, and we can’t forget how she smashed Metatron’s face into the bars for making a sexual remark towards her. But that’s all what makes her an awesome character. She has flaws. As a writer myself, I can tell you that perfect Polly's are no fun at all. Hannah had depth, she was complicated. She was brave and badass, but she certainly had apparent flaws. Besides, are you trying to tell me the Winchesters don’t have flaws? Hannah is badass.

Hannah was obviously meant to be Castiel’s love interest

Yeah, she probably was, but I mean so? Can’t Castiel have a little happiness in his life? Besides, she wasn’t just that. She was his second in command, she was a leader in her own right. She even led heaven! She wasn’t only Castiel’s love interest, she was amazing in her own right.

If you don’t ship Destiel, then you are a homophobe!

First of all, I am a bisexual woman. I am allowed to be attracted to both men and women, and it’s obvious that I am crazy about Hannah. Also, it's okay for me to prefer het relationships. I happen to be married to a man. I am generally attracted to what I can relate to, and there should be no shame in that. In any case, I don’t need to justify my interests to you. And anyway, you do know that Hannah took a male vessel at the end right? And that Castiel took a female vessel in the past?

Castiel obviously loves Dean!

Okay. Like I said, I respect all ships. But you are going to have to come to terms that in addition to Dean and Sam, Castiel also loved Meg and Hannah. He may have even harbored feelings for Kelly Kline. Since none of those ships became completely canon, we the fans, must interpret what we will about it. I don’t ship Destiel, Megstiel, or Castiel/Kelly Kline but I respect that Castiel may or may not have feelings for any one of them in canon. The world may never know if this was so. Chemistry is in the eye of the beholder. I could see clear signs that Castiel had feelings for Hannah, and I can document such signs, but that’s what fiction is. It’s something that’s not real in the first place so we the fans are free to interpret what we see as we will.

And here are some points I want to make as to why Hannah is amazing and why she is precisely what Castiel needed.

Hannah is the kind of rare angel that Gabriel was talking about back in season 9. The type that is more than a machine built to obey

Hannah has empathy. She is a rather passionate angel. This is her strength and her inner struggle. She is an angel, bound by her instincts to obey and stuck in her strict principles of angel code, but it's pretty clear that she doesn’t obey without question. In many ways, she is a lot like Castiel was in season 4, but unlike Castiel, she seems to have had these feelings all along. Castiel had to learn them. In “meta-fiction,” Gabriel claimed that he and Castiel were rebels because they were different than other angels. And I think that Hannah was another one of those rare ones, with the potential to understand free will.

She never once brought up Castiel’s past nor never appeared to resent him or hold a grudge against him or feared him for what he did to heaven

All throughout season nine, when Castiel was without grace, whenever he encountered another angel, they were quick to blame him for the fall. They actively hated him or even feared him. Some even tried to kill him. Many still resented him for the war with Raphael. Pretty much all the angels Castiel encountered harbored these feelings towards him, but when Castiel met Hannah in that warehouse, she lacked that resentment. She had just been tortured by Gadreel and left in a room full of dead angels, and when she met Castiel, she knew who he was. She never once brought up the war with Raphael, or even the fall, something she herself was a victim of and was no doubt traumatized by. She never feared or hated Castiel.

She was devoted to him in a way that no one in the show has ever been

Castiel really needs someone who could devote themselves to him the way that he would devote himself to them in return. Hannah fits the bill. She listened to him when he taught her about humanity. I mean, really listened. And throughout their road trip, she was more concerned with trying to help with Castiel’s fading grace than she was with her mission. His suffering and deterioration clearly bothered her. Even though she acted on impulse many times, she’d listen to him as he explained why things are the way they are here on Earth.

She was even willing to make a deal with Metatron

This one is a big one because it proves that Hannah is like a Winchester! How many times has Sam or Dean made a deal to save one another? They would pick each other over the world any day. And has either of them ever made that sacrifice for Castiel? Well, Hannah was going to. She knew full well the possible consequences of letting Metatron out, but she was willing to do it to save Castiel’s life. If he hadn’t gotten there, she would have. I think it was a surprise to Castiel because no one has ever cared about him like that.

She literally begged him to take care of himself

It’s clear that Hannah had feelings for Castiel, and they motivated her to be concerned with. Maybe Castiel was uncomfortable with her affections because he’s not used to someone being concerned with his well being? Which is really sad if you think about it. Regardless of her feelings for him, Hannah was concerned that Castiel wasn’t taking care of himself. She begged him to try to save his own life or to at least be as concerned about it as she was. And he continued to blow her off and dismiss her, probably because poor Castiel does not value his own life. If he did, then he would at least be willing to try to work with her to find a plan to save himself instead of literally having to have the king of hell step in to save them both.

Castiel trusted Hannah enough to implore her to carry on in his place if he died.

When it became clear that Castiel may not make it to carry out his mission, to help Dean or to find the rogue angels, when Hannah confronted him and implored him to do something about his grace, even reminding him of his mission, he asked her to carry on in his place. She doesn’t think she could do it, but he did. He trusted her, he saw something in her that she didn’t see herself. He believed in her and thought that she was more than worthy of taking his place if he died. That right there is huge.

She is one of the very few angels to ever give up her vessel, and her actions inspired Castiel so much that he decided to look into Claire’s life after all this time.

Hannah did the one thing that even Castiel himself could not do. She admitted she had feelings for him and more than anything, she wanted to stay with him and see where their feelings lead them. She wanted that very badly, but then she encountered Caroline’s husband, and she was reminded about the life she had taken away, and she put her feelings aside to give Caroline her life back. Anyone could see how heartbroken Castiel was to see her go, but he was so inspired by her act of selflessness that he looked into Claire’s life.

In “Meta-fiction,” Metatron explained that he ordered Gadreel to kill all the angels in the warehouse but leave one alive. Gadreel chose to spare Hannah. Did he pick her at random or did he sense that she was different and that she had the power to persuade Castiel to be a leader?

I mean everyone else around them noted how well matched they were. The tow-truck driver, Adina, Metatron, even Crowley. Maybe Gadreel sensed that Hannah was not like other angels and that she might have the power to be an influence in Castiel’s life. Of course, his motives were less than good, but I think he knew that Castiel would respond to someone like Hannah, someone who was like him or had the potential to be.

It’s my headcanon that Castiel and Hannah both have autistic characteristics

This is the last stance, and it is something very personal to me. I am on the Autism Spectrum, and I hold the opinion that Castiel and Hannah both have Aspie characteristics and that if they were Human, they would surely be on the spectrum. This is the single reason why I love Hannah so much. Do you realize how marginalized us aspie girls are in mainstream media? There are so few of us, and most Autistic characters in fiction are male. It is hard to be autistic and female, and here is the one character I can admire and relate to because she is like me.

So there you have it. The case for Hannah and for the Castiel/Hannah ship. I don’t think it should be considered a rare-pair anymore. It is just as relevant as any of the popular pairings concerning Castiel. This will always be my one and only OTP. And Hannah is and always will be my favorite character. Her and Castiel both. I am a Cas girl and a Hannah girl. Just wondering if there are any other true Hannah girls out there.

#castiel/hannah #hannah/castiel #Hanstiel #Supernatural #Castiel

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jtq1844 · 5 years

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If it’s Tuesday, it must be Wyoming

I passed Tuesday morning far too slowly in the haven of the lovely, empty house after yet another lively discussion centering around a Transformative Leadership conference ( transformative-leaders.teachable.com/ ) Jessica is organizing at the San Diego Baha’i Center in August. She invited me help musically as well as attend. What an opportunity!

Off to Laramie Wyoming! I had been to Wyoming twice before in my life: once at 14 years old when my oldest brother and I took a weird road trip and the another a couple of years ago with my husband to Yellowstone. Maybe I’ll expand on those trips because both were extraordinary experiences.

I stretched my legs in Cheyenne at the Wyoming State Museum. It is a free museum across the street from the Capitol. Along with the obvious displays of stuffed buffalo and military history, they show their proud history of women’s suffrage, their attempts to response to the cruel and senseless murder of Matthew Shephard, as well as their uneasy relationship and sad history with the indigenous tribes of the area. There was also a vintage snow mobile and lots about fishing. (The fishing part reminded me of the Wyoming visit when I was fourteen. The “extraordinary” mentioned in the last paragraph was definitely an exaggeration, come to think of it. Oh, sure, it was weird to simply jump in the car with my brother who wanted to visit Gramma and Grampa Hanson after he graduated from the USCG Academy and before taking up his first billet, “You know, they are getting up there …” Gramma and Grampa would ranch-sit for friends, that is, take care of the house near the main road while the ranchers were in a cabin farther into the mountains where their cattle escaped the summer heat. We had them in our lives for another 20-25 years. Big Bro and I discovered we had barely anything in common as we drove the long miles across Wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, and most of Wyoming. Having seven years and three siblings between our births, we were understandably cordial strangers that went to a lot of the same events. On the tedious drive out and back, we tried talking about shared experiences -- like our the big bash for our other grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary. It was as though we were describing two different events. Golden Boy and I still find it to be that way although we’ve lived 3000 miles apart for most of our adult lives. The time with Gramma and Grampa was filled with fishing, hiking, playing cards and generally staring out upon the vastness of the Western Wyoming landscape. Extraordinary? Not really. Memories of my other trip to Wyoming were triggered by the Yellowstone exhibit: watching burbling and sizzling geysers in constant motion and rainbow colors, being surrounded by bison while riding in an ambulance -- you know, the usual.

The new owner of the Museum’s store was a vivacious young woman. I asked her about a book the Wyoming’s pro-women’s-rights history: women’s suffrage in 1869, the first female State Governor Nellie Tayloe Ross, the admired mayor of Cheyenne Marion Orr, etc. She sighed and said that she has to moved the $45,000 inventory of books (some from the 80s) -- which are low profit margin items anyway -- before she can afford different books. Someone, PLEASE, help her get rid of her cockamamie book inventory!

I stretched again at the Lincoln Monument, a strange and dizzying construct.

Laramie is a university town of 30,000, a mile and a half above sea level. My host for the evening was a kind and intelligent woman who has lived most of her life as a Baha’i in tiny communities or as an isolated believer. Her thoughtful dedication inspired me. She was also a quilter.

Others who joined us for the evening included a writer/editor/journalist who also works in the University warehouse to make ends meet and a family who just moved up from my friend Fred’s community. We had conversation that was earnest, spirited and witty. The children kept up in the conversation impressively (and courteously).

Sundown brought the coming of one of the most solemn days of the Baha’i year, the commemoration of the Martyrdom of the Bab. Usually, the tragic and dramatic events of July 9, 1850 are recounted at the hour of the martyrdom, noon. However, we commemorated it together the evening before. (This year, the Holy Day fell on July 10, because the Badi calendar is in fact more accurate than the Gregorian calendar. It is a not worth discussing the nuances here.) Between songs I had and the discussion we had, together we recalled the life of the Blessed Bab culminating in the remarkable miracles associated with His Martyrdom. My new acquaintances sang along heartily to my song “Ten Thousand Watched Him” and an adaption of “Were You There?”

My hostess and I said our good nights after tidying up.

#the Bab #Martyrdom of the Bab #Wyoming history

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years

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I am not my insecurities reflection- a truthful based oneshot

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

Ok, this will be a long author’s note but please bare with me as this is very important for you to understand this oneshot. For some context here because I havent posted alot about her yet, this is a oneshot about my Dc oc Gracie Lucio, set kinda in the same universe(i guess) of the teen titans judas contract movie( with Damian as robin) and its a oneshot written partly out of a vent of my own body image issues and partly out of an expression of how I’ve learned to look past said issues slowly.

But this gets very angsty until the end

Now to give a bit more context for the piece itself. The oc herself, Gracie Lucio( because I havent posted any art of her yet) for the reader’s understanding, she is not human, she is a werewolf(it feeds into her story so dont get me started on it alot of research went into this aspect of her character and it plays into her body issues)and body wise looks similar to Dick in the first season of Young Justice. Shes a naturally thin figured , broader shouldered girl who could( if she really wanted to) pass as a feminine boy with short jaw/ barely chin length hair( think of a thick messy longish pixie cut of dark hair). So shes naturally lean and lanky and a little underdeveloped for a 13 year old girl and as a heroine she has toned muscles from years of hero work. Most wouldnt see her having too many insecurities about her body image and appearance, but in truth shes riddled with them. She ages a bit differently than humans, it takes her body longer to develop and even then in some areas it develops differently all together. She struggles to gain any extra weight or build up natural feminine curves, something she wants. She WANTS to look like other girls her age, with more developed and heavier bodies, with curves and more weight and an actual figure. But with a supernaturally high metabolism added on top of a already genetic based thin figure and a intense and sometimes rigorous training and workout routine plus her work as a heroine gives no leeway to gain really any extra weight, its always worked off one way or another. And this causes...comments to be made about why she looks that way by civilians. and though she never shows it publicly she takes many of these, usually not flattering and sometimes cruel and rude, comments to heart(much like I used to unfortunately) and it worsens her negative feelings. This is a small story of her seeing those problems and issues and trying to face and overcome them. This is more centered around Gracie and Dick and Jason and their platonic and sibling like relationship as they help her through her darker times( again, this is partly me expressing my own personal struggles with body image (which arent the exact same as the character but the language and the comments are very similar)and partly how those two helped inspire me to have more confidence in my body no matter what I look like) and also a deeper peek into her complex relationship with Damian(but thats not the biggest focus) Sorry this was so long I mightve info-dumped a little but its important to understand the story. I hope you guys enjoy?

This is also told in Gracie’s point of view

This will cover some pretty deep kinda issues like body image problems and over eating and weight loss/gain and mentions of eating disorders without really discussing them and bullying so if that upsets you in any way now is the best time to scroll past for your own sake, I dont want you to upset yourself over my crappy emotional writing

I do not look that bad.

That’s what I have to force my mind to accept as I look into the mirror, meeting my own aqua green eyes hesitantly.

I always hated looking in the mirror lately, especially after training or after bathing, like now as I stood in the middle of my room in a slightly loose training type sports bra and spandex shorts. I don’t even want to glance down at my body, out of fear for seeing the same thing I always do.

‘She so skinny...is she eating right’

‘She needs to eat more and gain some weight’

‘what a twig for a superhero’

‘how have bad guys not snapped her in half? Jesus Christ I could probably break her with a sneeze!’

‘What a bad influence shes setting for young girls with such an thin figure!’

‘I think He needs to eat more Christ that poor boy must be starving! Why isn’t Nightwing feeding him more’

The flashes of comments flooded my mind the moment my eyes flickered down to the rest of me. To my thin, unfeminine figure. My underdeveloped and flat birdcage of a chest. To my lanky, toned, too flat stomach. The pinched waist figure. The flat empty expanse I called hips that blended too well into my too dainty looking bony legs. I looked too fucking skinny. And maybe they were right...as a hero I was a role model to those younger than me, and I promoted a Bad Body Image for girls to idolize with my lanky boy figure.

And it was a horrible body type I had no goddamn control over.

My species was not an easy one to live as, especially not intermingled with humans. The team knew, the team understood, but the rest of the world didn’t. As a lupinotuum pectinem, or lycanthrope which in easy translation is simply “Werewolf”, my whole body inner workings were different. Most of my kind were naturally lean and thin, like tall healthily thin model athlete body types and in general the females, even alpha females, were practically born twig like almost. And on top of that our bodies developed....differently. I was not raised by a pack or by my own kind after age 8, so even I didn’t know the full extent but females bodies took longer to grow and it made it very hard for them to gain weight because of the unnaturally high metabolism. Add being a superhero who once trained under a certain league member to the mix and you go from being the “healthy and admirable” type of skinny to the “unhealthy and concerning”type of skinny.

I hated it, and I hated my body. I hated pictures of me from the neck down, because they all looked the same no matter who they were with. And I saw the comments everyone made. Whether its a surprise photo Garfield took dragging me into the picture to commemorate something or another or me taking pictures around Gotham or Blüdhaven with Dick on the social media Gar helped me set up, or even the rare photos I’d get to take with Jason or Damian or Tim and get to post. Every time the flood of comments were the same. The same things I now repeated over and over as I looked over my body angrily.

OMG look at that poor girl is she ok??? She looks like she needs to be hospitalized!

Christ almighty BB isn’t it too early to be posing with skeletons?? LOL

Dude not funny that girl must be anorexic or something.

Such a cute sibling couple but sweetie you need a fast food break to add some fat to those bones!

Fuck kid go eat something instead of taking pictures

Awwww you two look real happy! I hope you’re on the way to lunch or something!

Holy shit your guy’s size difference is so vast its almost worrying

how are you even alive with that little weight

Go eat some junk food or something before you pass out

OMG look at her shes so small and stick like! Her clothes look like they’re hanging off a scarecrow!

That girl cannot be healthy tell me someone is making her eat more

Every time its always the same damn thing....

I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned away from the mirror nearly in disgust and went back to changing into more casual clothes, bitterly noting how my clothes did in fact seem to hang awkwardly on my body as if I was too thin for them to fit correctly. Like they always did lately.

Ew look at her she looks so gross all stick-like like that!

What a fucking twig of a girl! Are those her ribs poking through her shirt??

Bitch go eat a fucking hamburger you need some damn food in you.

God that weight cant be healthy you need a doctor!!

“Kid? Yo kid you in there?” My head jerked up from the comments flooded screen of my phone to meet Jason’s eyes, catching the quirk of his eyebrow as he sat across the diner table from me. We were at a diner he favored whenever he came into town to visit, a little family owned treasure with delicious and greasy food and the sweetest staff on earth. We frequented the spot during his visits, our own personal little thing since we’d gotten closer. I plastered on a smile and ignored the slight narrow of those blue eyes, the small furrow of his brow got as I snapped off my phone and set it aside.

“Sorry Jay, BB tagged me in something dorky and I got distracted. So what were you saying?”

He didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t the most convincing at that moment but I kept that damn plastic smile on my face and snagged some of his curly fries right in his face, making him crack a smile and smack my hand away from his tray.

“ Hands off my food, eat your own wolfie.” I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname I’d been branded and let the plastic smile slowly be replaced by a more genuine one as we began chatting again, grabbing my over sized cheeseburger and finishing every last bite and moving onto the large fries and two milkshakes, hopelessly praying that maybe this time the calories would stick and trying to push away the comments to the back of my mind. I was with Jason and we were having a damn good time, and I wasn’t going to let those comments ruin his visit...not again.

You should be ashamed. All you’re doing is promoting bad eating habits looking like that.

You’re such a bad influence for young girls who idolize you with such a horribly unreachable appearance.

Shes too bony to ever be considered pretty

Does she have a eating disorder or something?

I stiffened instantly startled by a hand on my shoulder, turning off my phone instinctively and making the endless comments disappear into darkness before whoever could see them over my shoulder. The hand was big, calloused, and gentle and I felt myself relax as I looked up behind me with a smile.

“ Hey Dick, did you need something?” He smiled down at me with that big bright smile that made all the dark thoughts and feelings melt away and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, blue eyes meeting aqua green.

“ Well I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything right now or if you’d want to go catch dinner with Kori, Dami, and I. I noticed that you’d skipped your usual early dinner....” I wasn’t surprised he noticed, he normally did...

Once again that smile plastered itself on my face as I told him I’d love to, and to just let me go get changed into something better. I saw his hesitation at the fake smile, practically smelled it on him and prayed he wouldn’t bring it up right now, god please don’t ask now or I might just break...

Maybe god is listening because he didn’t mention it and just told me to meet them by the front doors of the tower in ten.

How are you not dead yet?

Jesus Christ stop promoting your eating disorder like its a good thing!

She looks so sickly is she ok? :(

Yeah shes sick, sick in the damn head for posting such disgusting pro-Ana pictures

How can you post pictures with a clear conscience looking like that?

Some “superhero”

I was wrong, no god was listening to me.

Dinner was rough to get through, even if it didn’t start that way.

For once I didn’t have to worry or dread possibly checking my phone for anything, I turned it off by the time we got to the restaurant. I even got a small compliment from Damian on our way in, though it was more a snark at me not tripping up the stairs. But it was Damian so I snapped right back with a smile, knowing he didn’t really mean it. Sitting beside Dick and across from Damian, I nudged his foot with mine in a silent gesture to cheer up even a little. He huffed through his nose but I saw his body relax and it made me relax. Those moments before the food came, our chatter and soft laughter as we looked over the menu, and the soothing knowledge knowing that Dick pulled me and Damian along to this dinner so we would go out on a date ourselves, ever the best brother and wingman. The mood was light and pleasant and I could see even the ever sharp and moody Dami lighten up a little by the time we ordered. Maybe the mood shifted into something different as we waited for our food and I was sipping on my tall glass of iced cola, when Damian’s fingers casually brushed over the top of my unused hand that laid peacefully on the table. The gesture was subtle and light, quick enough to miss if your senses weren’t sharp. I didn’t acknowledge it and neither did he, a silent understanding that words would just ruin whatever this was. I accepted that happily, as he was much more engaged in the conversations and even smiling a little more during them as he debated with Kori on leading strategies. Things were pleasant, comforting at that table in those few seconds before the decline, Dick smiling and chuckling at his lover and little brother, Said lover and brother having a more upbeat discussion about different leadership styles and their effects, and lightly debating which work better for what. And Damian’s hand next to mine, ever so lightly brushing against it in his wordless way to say I was still there and at even the smallest twitch I’d have his attention again. Dick ruffled my hair and asked how my online courses were coming along, since I didn’t attend schools publicly and I was more than happy to babble about my classes, and my current work in them. It was nice and I was happy, all the horrible feelings from before draining away as I tuned everything else but these three out of my enhanced hearing. Why had I even felt so shitty when I had great people like them in my life?

Then I heard it as that damned supernatural hearing tuned back in to the rest of the world.

The words and whispers and mutters and the blatant gossip and bad mouthing.

“Look at that younger girl sitting at that table dear...shes so thin I think she should be in a hospital not a restaurant.”

“Ewww mom look that girl looks like a skeleton!”

“ Honey shush….”

“Is….is that girl ok?”

“Dude of course she isn’t just look at her shes unhealthy as fuck. Probably has some kind of eating disorder too or something.”

It all flooded over me and all of my happy mood washed away under the wave. I couldn’t tell if the others could hear them so I grit my teeth tried to tune it all back out, trying so hard to focus more on Kori’s explanation of her points. My hands began to curl up subconsciously, making Damian’s attention snap to me. Fuckin I….no, I cant tell him...I shouldn’t. I forced my hand to uncurl and that stupid smile sprawled across my lips as if someone had put tape over them. I saw his eyes narrow and near begged mentally for him to not say anything or for Dick to distract him...anything.

“Ahem….your meal.”

I have never more thankful to a waitress before in my life...until I saw the look she gave me as she placed my admittedly large order of food in front of me, something that was normally a platter for two people’s worth of beef and sides. I caught the judgmental and suspicious look she had glancing between me and my food and I felt shame burn all over, starting to hang my head to avoid that damn look.

“ If this is all our food then your job is done. Don’t you have OTHER tables to be serving?” Damian’s curt and sharp tone cut through the air and briefly through my shame. This waitress knew nothing about me and i certainly owned no one any explanations about my eating habits, so why was she hanging around giving me looks about my food…?

“ Damian don’t be so rude!” Dick cleared his throat and I felt his strong arm wrap protectively around my shoulder as he leaned close to the edge of the table while Kori’andr apologized for Damian’s attitude vaguely. But I could hear it, there wasn’t much life to her apology. It sounded like a politely required apology, almost...defensive?

“ I am so sorry about my little brother Miss. He’s also sorry. But do you need anything else since we seem to be all set here but you’re still hanging around when you must be very busy…?” Dick’s words were sweet and cheerful, but there was an edge to his tone that gave a clear warning. His arm around me tightened a little protectively as he gave one of his signature charming smiles that could light up half the damn city as he then inquired if there was some sort of problem. The waitress stammered that there wasn’t any problem and that it was fine and for us to enjoy our meal before scampering away to continue her work. I felt other patrons eyes most DEFINITELY on us now and I couldn’t help shrinking into the taller man’s side to hide.

“ I’m sorry this keeps happening…” I murmured to him as our respective dates started eating and slowly reviving their conversation, moving on to mission recounts and training while Damian shot a dark look at the other patrons that made them look away. Dick gave my shoulder a squeeze and i moved closer for that familiar warmth and comfort...my chest felt heavy and my appetite had died and I wanted to curl up in my room and die of the shame. But I couldn’t, he wouldn’t have let me. So instead I instinctively sought out the safety Dick’s presence brought me, like a protective older sibling whose arms I could be enveloped in and forget about the harsh world outside them.

He knew without words, catching my body language before anyone else at the table. He knew me best.

“ Do you want to leave? We can get to go boxes and enjoy this meal all the same back at the tower, or even mine and Kori’s apartment. Is that what you’d rather do?” It was tempting, oh god it was so tempting to just say yes and let him lead me away while I re-gathered myself, same way he did when we were both 13 and living under the same roof...before…

I shook my head and forced those thoughts to the very back of my mind. I was in a dark enough place of mind already without that.

“ N-no...you guys set this up...i...i don’t want one nosy waitress to ruin our whole meal. Lets just eat ok D?” He smiled at the nickname and ruffled my hair with a nod, both him and Kori making sure I knew if things got too uncomfortable we could leave and the heaviness eased a little at their consideration. I started picking at my food and slowly regaining my appetite, once again nudging Damian with my foot to start up conversations. I ignored the words for the majority of the dinner, we even began to enjoy ourselves again. The last straw was probably as we were paying and putting leftovers in to go bins. I was admittedly nibbling on food out of my bin, despite starting to feel full.

“ I swear you are a bottomless pit sometimes Gracia.” I rolled my eyes at Damian’s remark and gave him a small smirk as I licked my fingers clean.

“ This bottomless pit can still kick your ass in training wonder boy~” He grunted and I saw the challenge glow in his eyes as he smirked back, an excitement for tomorrow’s combat training flaring up between us.

“ You really shouldn’t mix up your delusional dreams with reality alpha PUP.” I said something snarky back and we began to bicker halfheartedly over who was winning. I finally snapped shut my leftover box and stood with Damian as we stared each other down confidently, Dick chuckling at our competitiveness.

“ Tomorrow morning’s combat training will certainly be interesting with these two all riled up already.” The words didn’t fully process as I cracked my knuckles and squared up to the admittedly….taller boy.

“ Last I checked Damian I was ahead 11-10. And tomorrow, I just cant wait to make it 12.” He gave a hard laugh to my face and faced up to me with a smirk as our other two companions stood and shooed us more in front of the table so they could leave their seats. He opened his mouth to say something likely scalding and snarky back at me when the worst comment pierced between us both like a goddamn bullet.

“ Damn, I never knew such a sickly, too skinny bitch like her could eat like such a fat fucking pig.”

I think I stopped breathing as my body flinched at the following laughter. The man was clearly on the tipsy side and sitting at a larger table with a group of laughing friends, though the one who said it was standing next to the table with a drink that reeked of the cheapest alcohol this restaurant probably sold, and he didn’t stop there. Oh god of course he didn’t stop there. He kept laughing and loudly making obvious comments at me and openly mocking me and how much I ate to his table, either fully aware of what he was doing and that we could clearly see and hear him or too drunk to really care as more insults and name calling that I had heard and seen and read plenty of times before fell from his mouth. My heart was pounding in my ears as the next few moments happened slowly.

I thought I had seen anger plenty of times before, the worse being the one and only time someone made a malicious joke about my appearance to my face when I was walking beside Jason and it took all my supernatural strength to drag him off and away the guy before he murdered him in broad daylight and to keep him walking to wherever we had been heading.

I had seen pissed, but I had never seen downright hellish fury until that moment when I looked at Damian and Dick.

I had seen Damian mad, and angry, and pissed, a few times in our first meetings at me personally. I had seen Dick mad, angry, and pissed off a a fair chunk of times, even if they had never been directly at me. I had never seen this expression on either of them in those times. And in those few moments that passed almost in slow motion and Damian began to lurch forward with murderous intent the thought finally hit me. ‘ Was this...the first time these two had really heard the comments about me? Oh god…’ I felt like I was moving in honey as Damian stalked past me and I tried to reach out to him slowly, a gleam to his eyes that made my blood go cold.

If someone was to ask me in the future what I believed Death looked like, I would say with completely conviction that death would have the exact eyes Damian had in that moment: lethal, merciless, and furious. And he would have Dick’s cold expression, a look I never wanted to see on the normal cheerful man’s face ever again.

Time snapped back to a normal speed like a whip and my hand grasped nothing but air as Damian stormed over to the man.

“D...da--”

“What did you just say you disgusting drunk.” I might’ve shivered at his tone and I felt Kori’s hands on my shoulders tugging me back protectively as she looked down at me worried.

“ Gracie...don’t listen to him, there’s no reason to cry.” Cry? What was she talking ab--

That’s when I felt it, something warm and wet sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I...I was crying. My walls and my limit of bottling things in for one day was crumbling away as I watched Damian go to confront the man, my voice disappearing under the surge of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t even say his damn name. I felt frozen and helpless as Dick stalked after Damian, fists clenched.

I had to do something say something anything to stop them before things went badly I had to I had--

“Eh?What the fuck did you say to me brat?”

“ You heard me you worthless piece of filth. Apologize to her, now.”

I needed to do something anything as I felt myself crumbling. Why wasn’t Dick stopping him why

“ And what if I don’t pipsqueak? You gonna hit me? Now scram. Maybe take your little bitch to a hospital for treatment instead of parading her around a restaurant with normal people!”

“ He might not do anything, But I will. Now take it back before things get messy.”I think my body began trembling as I watched panic swelling. I just wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to see this unfold, I just wanted to be home at the tower curled under my covers to simulate the warmth of another person holding me. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere else then stuck in this nightmare.

So I moved without thinking and lunged, aiming for the back of Dick’s jacket to grab and ready to swallow any shards of pride and beg to leave. Instead I collided with Damian’s back and rolled with it, hugging him tightly from behind and tugging back with a whimper.

“ P-please you two...l...lets just leave...please lets just go home please…” Kori grabbed Dick’s arm firmly and tugged him back.

“ Dick...shes in the midst of an anxiety attack, let it go and lets leave. We need to get her out of here.” He took a difficult deep breath but nodded glaring down the man harshly enough that he flinched and scurried to the bar with his tail between his legs mumbling insults. One of his friends started to stand and began nervously apologizing, though one vicious look from the boy I was holding shut him up fast. It took me and Kori working together to drag the two out of the restaurant and the ride home was tense and silent. I couldn’t look at any of them, instead opting to stare at my feet wiping my eyes.

“ Does that happen often. People talking about you like that.” His cold tone made me flinch a little. At this point I was so upset and anxious and emotionally drained on the inside that I thought Damian was mad at me of all people for what happened. Those dark thoughts began to slowly bubble up to the surface and my insecurities screamed that he blamed me for what happened in the restaurant. I remained silent, too upset to answer. I heard his growl of annoyance and I began to hunch up, ready for a verbal fight.

“ Damian drop it for now. Shes in no right place of mind to talk about it.” Dick warned from the driver seat with a low voice that reminded me he was also upset and angry. When we got back to the tower I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything, I just bolted for my room as fast as I could, at a inhuman, unnatural speed that they couldn’t keep pace with.

I stayed locked in my room for three days, not willing to face any of them the next morning during training. Everything was heavy and hurt and it was hard trying to rebuild those shattered walls of protection, that image of unbothered confidence. I stayed in bed locked away from the world and curled up under the weak protection of my sheets mostly unresponsive to those outside it.

The first to come knocking and checking on me was Kori, asking if I was ok and if I needed to talk. She left after a little while of trying for a response unsuccessfully though, saying she’d come back to check on me later. It was maybe an hour later that Garfield came knocking, asking why I’d missed breakfast AND training. His voice was concerned as he asked if everything was ok and if I was even in there. The concern poked painfully into my silence, tempting me to speak and make myself vulnerable.

Vulnerability killed. I knew that first hand. So I forced myself to stay quiet until his knocks and footsteps faded away.

The rest of the day passed in a bit of a self deprecating blur, only marked by Kori’s two other attempts at my door. The last one I barely noticed as exhaustion kicked back in and I drifted off into an unsteady sleep

The next day after I woke up things still went by in a near timeless blur. I could hear my phone buzzing and vibrating and rattling for my attention but I left it there on the nightstand unnoticed and curled further under the sheets, lost in a slate tinted world of dark thoughts and darker temptations. But that day was harder to drift away through.

The first to stop by was Jamie, knocking a few times and calling out to me with concern and worry clear in his voice as he asked if I was ok. He asked if I’d eaten at all since yesterday, since he hadn’t seen me leave my room. The thought of eating made my stomach stir and my body curl around it ashamed. He knocked a few more times after that, his voice growing a bit more worried at the lack of answer. After awhile I heard him walk away and I barely lifted my head as I hugged my too skinny too unhealthy body close, feeling those blaring imperfections and flinching at myself.

It was no wonder everyone said those things...if so many people said them so often then they must be true.

The next to come by was Raven. She only knocked twice and gave a small sigh.

“ Gracie...I know you’re in there. If you need someone to talk to...my room is in the next hall over, and I will be here to listen. I wont force you to come out...just please remember you aren’t alone here. You have the team behind you.” I bit my lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep my ensuing whimper silent. The words, soothing and reassuring in context, stabbed into my heart and my resolve. I WANTED to depend on them, to throw open the door and break down under the assurance I could and would not be treated differently after, and be assured and comforted and remind of the positives. I wanted it so badly I was scared of it. Or maybe...I was scared of it NOT happening as those damn fears and insecurities and dark thoughts sowed heavy doubt through me. She lingered a little longer than Jaime, eventually her footsteps disappearing. I remember meekly poking my head from the sheets to stare absently out the half covered windows lost in thought, time slipping by me once more to the point I almost didn’t register Garfield and Kori both stopping by my door again at least twice more worried.

When Dick stopped by as the sun was setting was when the harder pain set in.

I heard the knocks and ignored it in favor of the changing color sky the sunset offered, my room washed in a dim orange and amber gleam. Then I heard his voice, soft and sick with worry from the outside and my heart thudded so hard it hurt. Hard.

“ Gracie...C’mon Gracie-girl please open the door. We’re all worried about you...I’m really worried about you. You haven’t eaten for a day and a half...Please let me in...” I almost broke completely at the pain in that familiar voice, the voice I never wanted to be the cause of being in pain or anguish again.

Well looks like I did a GREAT job of preventing that didn’t I?

He knocked again, asking and pleading and trying to reason, anything to get that door to open. My eyes burned with hot fresh tears and I curled up into a tight ball whimpering softly and breaking my vow of silence.

“....D-dick...p-please...j-just leave me a-alone…I-i just need some t-time alone…”

My voice came out pathetically weak and shaking with tears, which I know he heard. There was a silence for a few moments, perhaps shock that I actually answered this time. I felt warmth sliding down my cheeks as he sighed and reluctantly muttered that he’d come check back on me tomorrow and that there was leftover dinner ready for me to heat up on the kitchen counter before he slowly walked away. His fading footsteps echoing in my ears. Was my heart breaking on every step away? I couldn’t tell. That feeling slipped into the dark thoughts that followed the setting sun. Dark thoughts that also reminded me of the one person who HADN’T come to check on me, and the resulting pain of his absence.

The third day had been mostly quiet. It was almost a painful relief, quiet meant no additional pain of--

“ Gracia.”

That one word coming from Damian’s mouth sent so many things through me and sent any resolve I had spiraling away. His tone was a forced kind of neutral, he sounded as if he was trying to stay calm but it wasn’t exactly working. There was something to his voice I had no energy to figure out. He didn’t knock and there was silence for a few moments but I felt his presence remain.

“ You haven’t eaten since the restaurant.” No questions with him, he didn’t need to ask, always calm and analyzing.

“ ...You cant just stay in there forever Gracia.” A stern lilt to his voice, weakly enforced by the faint sound of his hand on the door. I could only whimper and curl up more. There was another stretch of silence before he sighed and his footsteps continued down the hall.

He was the only one to come check on me, a blessing and a damnation.

The day and night went by so listlessly I didn’t remember falling asleep, only waking up to banging knocks on my door. The volume grated on my sensitive hearing and made me flinch. Who would even be knocking like that…?

“ Oi. Kid. I know you’re still in there. Open the door.” Jason’s hard and no shit taking voice shot through me. Why...Why was Jason in the tower? Why was he in the city?

The knocking continued relentlessly, unlike the others. It even got louder and angrier.

“ Kid I said open this goddamn door.” There was no request or plea in his voice. It was a command, a harsh, cold command. I tried covering my ears with my hands and curling into a tight ball as the knocking continued. He wasn’t about to give up to a little girl.

I knew this too well.

“ Graciea Rosica Lucio I swear to god if you don’t open this goddamn door in the next couple second I will break it down. Now get off your fucking ass and answer me.” I don’t know what it was, but hearing his threat sent my body into mechanical motion, trudging over to the door and reluctantly unlocking it and letting it slide open with a low hiss, the banging finally ceasing. I couldn’t look him in the face, empty and ashamed it took threats to get me to open the door. So I stared dully at his boots and took in his scent as he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me back inside. I stumbled clumsily along with as he sat me on my bed and stood in front of me. I kept my gaze down towards his knees, the smell of nicotine wisping off his body in a way that told me he very recently had been smoking, no less than an hour ago most likely. Smoke and city is what filled my room. There was only a beat of silence before he spoke.

“ Look at me.” I lifted my head and stared at his chest and his crossed arms, unwilling to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t bare to see what kind of disappointed look he likely had on his face. Perhaps I didn’t want to see my reflection in his eyes, see the sickly, disgusting and bony figured girl with greasy hair and dark circles under dulled eyes and sallow cheeks. I heard the slight growl that rumbled from the back of his throat in warning and I briefly wondered if I would be forced to look him in the eyes. His arms uncrossed and I prepared myself for anything.

Anything except for two big plastic grocery bags filled with fast food bags and orders was dropped onto my lap, the contents still hot. I blinked slowly once, twice, and finally got enough courage in my confusion to look up at his face. When I did I was a little startled.

“ Eat. And you aren’t moving until those bags are polished off understand me?”

He looked visibly angry, eyes narrowed and mouth locked in a fearsome scowl with eyebrows furrowed. But his eyes were soft and worried and it took me a minute to realize worry was what was making his scowl so harsh. He crossed his arms across that broad chest again and I realized he was in his work gear, all the way down to the guns strapped to his thighs. All he lacked at the moment was his helmet and domino mask, his dark hair messier than usual and the white streak falling between his eyes. We had a staring contest and in those pupils I saw myself, I saw the shell I had become and it made me sick, breaking me briefly from the depressive haze.

How the hell had I let myself fall this far, this deep?

We didn’t speak until he grunted, eyes narrowing more in a way even those concerned blues didn’t weaken the glare as he spoke gruffly.

“ You better start eating before I start just shoving it down your damn throat.” I knew he would too. He wasn’t fucking around, I didn’t doubt he’d follow through with any threats made. Slowly I looked down at the pile of food and reached for the first bag, pulling it open and blinking fast as fresh tears stung my eyes.

It was from our favorite diner, and it was my usuals two cheeseburgers and large lightly salted fries with a second order of fat steak fries and fried pork strips. He’d even gotten all the little sides I enjoyed with it and I looked back up at him with a pained look. Maybe that look made him relax because his expression softened slightly, his voice quieting to something gentler.

“ C’mon now...I brought you all your favorites, now start eating...it’s been three days and your body cant handle that. We can talk after.” My shoulders slumped as all the tension stored in my body dissipated a little as he continued to speak, like a tightly pulled strong finally cut loose.

“ Kid I’m not mad at you. No one is. So just eat the food and then we’ll figure shit out, just like we do on any other visit.” I think the tears started falling because his face got blurry and there was warmth in my face. If I did start crying he didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bag. I gulped and slowly but surely pulled out one of the burgers and slowly took a bite, struggling a little to swallow it with a throat that was closing up from emotions. Once I did though my hunger kicked me hard and I began devouring the food, one bag after another.

It took me about a half hour to finish both plastic bags but I did, followed by slamming through at least two water bottles and one thick milkshake that almost made a mess. Jason simply watched over me as I ate from his spot in front of me. The silence was almost soothing, not painful as it had been before. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked back up at him and we made eye contact.

“ So are you going to tell me what happened? Really happened?” I broke his gaze to stare towards the floor as the acidic shame began to creep back over me. He sighed.

“ C’mon kid just let it out already. Who am I to judge? So why don’t you trust me like you USED to and tell me?” Those words shot through my heart and head.

I...I wasn’t trusting him...trusting anyone...I…i...

It was like Jason opened a flood gate.

It all came spilling out with a new surge of tears and mid sentence cracking sobs, my body physically heaving from the intensity as it all came out. All the months of insecurities and pain and doubts and fears and comments and negativity and hate and bullying came rushing out like a tidal wave and Jason took to all, listening to everything without a single word as I let everything out and let myself break down completely, wails and sobs replacing words eventually. I felt him shift and kneel in front of me, felt big strong sturdy hands grip my shoulders to steady me and keep me anchored as I buried my face into my hands and gasped out cries and pained wailing yowls that filled the room and spilled out of it. I vaguely remember the sounds of multiple hurried footsteps coming towards the door but I didn’t care. All I felt was Jason’s hands on my shoulders and his steady, continuous heartbeat in my ears as well as he strong breathing. One set of footsteps dared to enter the room and hurry over, only stopped by Jason’s calm voice.

“ Let her get it out, its the only thing that’ll help.” The footsteps stopped and eventually the wails faded into blubbering whimpers and whines and hiccups, constantly sniffling. I lifted my head to look at him through blurred eyes and got one brief sight of Dick standing behind Jason that sent me into a whole new wave of sobs.

God I’ve been nothing but selfish and now I’d fucking hurt Dick again even when I swore I’d never do that again and i--

I let out a high pitched whine that turned into pathetic blubbered and wailed apologies. Over and over like a broken record I couldn’t stop apologizing to them for everything even parts that weren’t my fault in any way I still apologized for it I just couldn’t stop. Jason’s grip on me tightened only slightly before slipping away and for a single moment I was terrified I’d annoyed him with all the apologies and was about to add that to my list of them when two strong arms wrapped around me and and Dick’s scent surrounded me.

“ Shh shh shh shhh….shhh Gracie its ok now shh shh its ok I got you its not your fault…” I sniffled and wailed out more sobs and begs for forgiveness as I clung to him like he was a life preserver. And at that moment he was. He hugged me tighter and practically cradled me into his chest stroking my hair as he murmured reassurances, assuring me I was well forgiven and it wasn’t my fault. Everyone got insecurities especially when facing so much negativity. How I was so strong for fighting it for so long regardless. But it was ok to not always be strong and be able to handle it. That he was there and it was ok now. It took awhile but eventually all my noise quieted down to sniffles and hiccups and the occasional whimper as my trembling and heaving finally eased away into a limp tiredness. I felt exhausted but in a way different than the past couple days. I felt lighter and the more Dick spoke gently the lighter and more relaxed I felt,all the pain easing as he banished every dark thought one by one.

“ You ARE a hero Gracie.”

“ you aren’t a skeleton or a scarecrow or a twig.”

“ You are not too bony.”

“ You’re beautiful.”

“ You aren’t sick and you don’t need any doctors.”

“ You’re ok. The way your body works and retains weight naturally is not your fault.”

“ You’re only thirteen you’re still growing kiddo.”

“ I was scrawny and thin until I was at least sixteen Gracie its not that uncommon.”

“ You do NOT have to hold yourself to stupid human beauty standards.”

“ You’re beautiful to us, that’s all that matters.”

“ You’re ok, you have us.”

Each and every statement cleared my mind and I slumped against him with tears still falling down my cheeks. His hand carefully cupped the back of my neck in a soothing gesture to ease the wolf side of me, adding a very small amount of pressure to ensure the sense of security and safety the movement brought. I whispered out a hoarse thank you, my throat sore and raw but already beginning to heal. He smiled into my hair and I let my eyes slip shut in contentment. I felt...stabilized, as if the whole world had been constantly tilted dangerously under my feet for months and now it had finally been returned to normal, balancing me once again.

I felt a second, no technically third, hand tangle itself into my thick and greasy hair and ruffle it affectionately, fingers tangling themselves in the dark chestnut locks.

“ We’re always here for you kid. Whether you like it or not. You can be honest and confide in your inner circle Gracie. We aren’t going to look at you any differently...so next time don’t keep your mouth shut.” My nerves settled and I leaned into his hand with a loud hiccup, making him snort. I looked up and saw both older men smiling down at me, both with their own kind of soft expressions. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my nose and smiled back shakily, feeling like everything was going to be ok for the first time in a long while.

I learned a few things a few hours later, after I’d fallen asleep in Dicks arms and woke up on the couch out in the Tower’s game room with Garfield and Jaime looking after me. My head was resting on Garfield’s leg and he had his elbow rested on my upper arm comfortably as he and Jaime played some kind of two player video game, keeping their voices lower than usual to be considerate of me sleeping. Opening my eyes was difficult as they felt dry and crusted and stung from crying so much. But my throat was no longer sore. When they saw I was awake they paused the game and and told me they were happy I was up, as I had been out cold for at least a solid couple hours. That was when I learned the first thing : Dick and Kori had informed the team of the incident at the restaurant after the first day I stayed locked up in my room, and Garfield had let it slip in his rage that he thought I had finally stopped getting those comments, and confessed that I’d been getting bullied and harassed about my appearance online for months. What I found out was all those months what I failed to notice was Garfield fighting back on my behalf every chance he got. He defended me, constantly called people out for harassment and even worked on getting some of the worst and most aggressive ones banned. For months he’d been do it as relentlessly as he could, filling his own social medias with both our pictures and his constant defense and positivity towards me to fight it back. It got lost in my own comment section so I stupidly didn’t realize. It warmed my heart knowing he’d kept my back even when I never noticed or mentioned it, though he waved it off and just gave me his big old smile telling me it wasn’t that big a deal,

“ After all, you’d do the same for me in a heartbeat!” And he wasn’t wrong. But I still hugged him tight in thanks anyway, an embrace he happily returned as he warned me next time I lied about being harassed there’d be hell to pay.

I assured him there wasn’t going to be a next time anymore and for the first time in months finally wholeheartedly meant it.

The second thing I learned was Jaime told me during those first two days I was locking myself away Damian had gone back to the restaurant and used Bruce’s name to hunt that guy that had been harassing me down and gotten a few hefty harassment charges and minor endangerment charges slapped onto the guy, throwing in a sob story of how I was now in emergency care in the hospital because of him. I knew he didn’t throw his last name around often, didn’t exactly like having to do so to be taken seriously. The fact he did for me…

I had a lot more feelings for Damian after that knowledge.

The third thing I learned was that the only reason Dick and Kori hadn’t come by to check on me yesterday was was because they spent the entire time hunting for Jason to get his help with getting me out, and when they DID find him he stormed for the tower and made it there before they did somehow, he was that angry.

As they were telling me this and retelling a very tense video call between Nightwing and Batman during the second day Damian came in in his full Robin attire, regarding us stoically. When I saw him I stood and the room quieted as I approached him, the both of us observing each other. When we stood a foot apart I stared into his masked eyes quietly and he looked into my tired eyes. I saw his mouth start to open to speak and my body lurched forward without me, hugging onto him tightly.

“Thank you...you didn’t have to do that for me thank you thank you thank you…” He was quiet and I was about to let go and move away when I felt his arm come around me and grip the back of my shirt, returning the embrace. Neither of us was at a point that we were really physically affectionate by any means but my heart swelled when he hugged me back, leaning his head against my own and allowing me to bask in the warmth of his arms and his scent. When I felt him roll his shoulders I took that as my cue and slowly pulled away, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek as I did before retreating back to give him his space.

I think I saw his cheek flare pink but I’ll never say for sure because that would mean admitting just how red my own cheeks were.

I’d love to say that after that everything ended happily and perfectly and things went great forever and ever. But I cant, life doesn’t work like that.

But things did get better.

I was under heavy supervision several weeks, with almost stricter watches on my food intake to make sure I didn’t try to over eat or try to force weight gain. Bruce had me stay with him and Damian for a few weeks as well to make sure I didn’t slip back into that dark place. It was a bit smothering at times...but in all honesty I welcomed the smothering because I knew it meant how much they all cared. And staying with Bruce again...it brought up my mood believe it or not. Being in the manor brought back happier memories of my childhood and seeing the man I considered a fatherly figure more often perked me up. Plus I got to see Tim a lot more than usual in those few weeks, a perk and joy all in itself as he kept me company when he wasn’t too busy with his work. Tim was also the one who disabled all comments on my social medias one calm rainy evening in the lounge. I was grateful and he patted my head after as he read his case files. I think I might’ve fallen asleep against him, I cant say I fully remember. With each passing week I felt better and better. It took a long time for my self esteem and confidence to rebuild itself, but it got some jump starts. Perhaps the best part was two months later after a sparring session with Kori. She was giving me tips on striking with a staff when Dick and the big bad bat Brucie himself walked in.

“ Batman? Has something happened?” He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder.

“ I’m going to borrow Gracie for a few minutes.” Dick gently took her hand and smiled as he whispered something to her as he led me out of the training room and placed a long bottle of what looked like red chewy vitamins into my hand. When I looked up at him confused he gave me some of the best news of my life.

“ These are specially created vitamins designed to accommodate your body’s inhuman metabolism. Tim helped me create them. They're designed to help regulate fats and carb distribution in your body and allow your body to hold onto and gain more weight without immediately burning it off. Take one every week and in a few months you should be up at least one weight class if not more as long as you keep to your regular healthy eating habits, just like you wanted. By Tim’s calculations within the year you should gain enough weight to have a thicker figure, though you may always retain this thinner “ballet-ques” figure...you will more closely resemble the figure of girls your age.” I stared up at him then at the vitamins and sniffled, fighting off tears of joy. All those weeks with Tim and his seemingly just curious questions about my species and their anatomy...the “ case files”...I owed Tim a lot for this.

“ It was Dick’s idea, after all that happened two months ago.” The softer tone brought a smile to my face and I nodded, barely restraining the urge to hug Bruce while he was in the cowl.

“ T-thank you...thank you this means more to me than you know…” He nodded and turned to leave but I caught the ghost of a smile on his face as he walked away.

And once he had I ran back into the training room and tackled Dick to the ground with a ecstatic howl, shifting mid leap into wolf form and licking his face in gratitude, making him laugh as he lazily tried to push away my affection.

I started taking them that day, and it took a few months for a noticeable difference to take place, but it did. My clothes and uniform stopped hanging off me like a walking scarecrow and I started developing the beginning of a feminine figure. I stopped trying to stuff my face too much at every meal and with every week after my self esteem raised back up a little higher. Maybe people saw it in the big, wide crooked smiles in pictures of me now, no matter who they were with. Or maybe the team saw it in the fact I stopped trying to hide my body in layers of clothes, walking around in my favorite tank top after missions instead of over sized sweatshirts and shirts, or the fact I didn't mind sudden pictures taken of me. Regardless it showed and in time I was more than happy to show off that confidence. Throughout it all Jason made near constant visits between jobs to make sure I didn’t have too major of setbacks and Dick stayed by my side as often as he could, supporting me and being a physical reminder almost that I was never alone.

And I didn't feel alone.

And one day as I was getting ready for an outing I paused in front of the mirror and looked at myself, looked at my slightly more filled out tank top and the small curve of slightly more defined hips and an actually fairly filled out stomach, a fuller figure to match my broader than normal shoulders. I slowly looked into my own eyes and after a moment I began to smile.

Somehow….I didn't hate looking into the mirror as much as I used to.

“ I do not look that bad. I look fine.”

“ Gracie c’mon you coming? C’mon the others are gonna leave without us!”

I smiled at my reflection wider before running off out of the room after Jaime’s voice.

“ Im coming!!”

I dont look that bad.

And now I could finally start to see that.

The end.

OOOOOOOH ITS FINALLY DONE ITS FINALLY DONE!

Ive been working on this for three months now and it was really difficult to finish. Originally it wasnt supposed to be so angsty but...it turned out really angsty at the end.

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@call-me-n0ni-chan

Tagging those I know will want to read this

I hope you all like it!!

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