#and the road is so so so bad like people die regularly on it

[frogspawned]

hellwalk... 2!!  begins auspiciously enough. i bear spray myself in the car. this is the second time this has happened, and the third shall happen very shortly. i roll down the windows, standing like a sad idiot in the pouring rain with my dogs, waiting for it to dissipate enough to be bearable. my hands are burning and my nose runs continuously. i take out the cans to stall for time with the dogs, who are trembling with excitement to Go Somewhere. freya (derogatory), who has recently discovered she can run to the neighbor’s yard, sprints to the edge of the road just to make me shout. this is a new fun game! i wish i had never stopped gaslighting her that the road is a lava.

we arrive at destination one, wherein i find a pile of discarded, filthy clothes, an awl, and a tackle box of some sort suspiciously discarded behind the brush.

there is a foul smell, a distinctly dead smell, so i search the area a bit. i don’t find anything, and decide to leave, because it’s none of my fucking business. as park time has been cut short, i decide we will go on a trail for a bit.

so there’s this trail that i took the worst walk of my life on, and, because i do not learn from experience, i decide that this is as good as any. it was optimal conditions; soaking rain for the last few days, muddy, fallen trees and branches from the last storm, no one knowing where i was going. mud and clay and more mud. there are many warning signs i will not have a good time, which i ignore.

freya races down the steep cliffs down to the river flats, having the time of her life. her only goal in life is to be a filth monster. this is her element.

(on a different, happier walk)

chewy (honorable)

chewy stood next to me, waiting for the beast to return so they could resume frolicking and gamboling. chewy does not do sheer cliffs anymore, as she is an old and distinguished lady. except, actually, she does! she goes down the hill, a quarter falling, mostly sliding. the mud reaches all the way to her elbows. this is very pleasing to her, until she tries to move around, after which she says ‘fuck this actually’ and tries to come back up.

the thing is, chewy cannot climb up. it requires a 3 foot vertical leap at the end where the dirt has fallen away from the tree roots. she has the hips of a calcium starved geriatric and thus the jumping power of a slug. she struggles to get on my bed. to be fair, my bed is very tall. to be more fair, i dragged an ottoman into my room -- which she has used before! sometimes she napped on it! -- to help her, and she decided she is terrified of it. she does not understand alternate routes. she is a being of many mysteries.

freya makes the run/jump easily, and demonstrates several times. this is the best thing that has ever happened! and so she must run, to celebrate.  chewy stares up at me, realizing she is trapped. (fun fact! it’s a 12 foot drop into deep mud; i know because many years ago, my OTHER dog walked off the edge and i had to climb down to retrieve her, as she refused to move. until i got to her. then she learned to struggle.) calling in the squeakiest baby voice i can muster, i lead chewy back down along the trail, which thankfully runs alongside the drop. chewy is deeply confused, but follows. the mud is a struggle for her. freya cannot decide what is more fun, lapping chewy or flying up the hill to run around me. after a few minutes, we reach an area with a shallow enough hill that chewy can manage. freya makes 3 trips up and down the hill before chewy arrives; on the fourth, she takes a flying leap over chewy from behind going uphill. i wish fervently i could steal her lifeforce. i would drain her like a caprisun. that dog would be a withered husk.

when she makes it to the trail, chewy is exhausted, cold, and soaked through. unutterably miserable. the biggest wettest eyes you’ve ever seen. she wants to go home. admittedly, she always wants to go home. her greatest wish is to go in the car somewhere, sniff, pee, and then get back in the car and go home. perhaps stopping along the way for a Treat.

we start to head back; however, return trips are when freya becomes Evil. there is nothing new! it’s all old stuff! this is the time to investigate the Mysteries she has passed before. she goes racing ahead, which is fine, normally, both my dogs wait at bends until they are in sight again. they are generally very good about staying near. freya makes a hard left turn into the brush; fine, whatever. they are both obsessed with grass, and i know there’s a patch down there. graze to your heart’s content! this is either my third or fourth mistake. the dog cannot be trusted. foolishly, i am grateful. at least she will be distracted from chewy while we go down the slickest clay hill in the world.

i carefully go off the trail onto the moss, guiding chewy down. it’s still steep but doable. i look up from the bottom. freya has what at first i think might be a piece of chicken, a fleshy pale beigeness. we stare at each other. she begins to chew, testing. i tell her no! drop it! she does, still watching, assessing. ‘drop it’ is a highly conditional command. i scramble up the hill, only to slip and crash onto my side. the bear spray hits the ground. the air is now spicy. the safety needs to be fixed. i have known this for several months. i slide down to the bottom. there is mud all up one side of my body. the puddle is so cold. i look up from the wet earth, and see the dawning realization in her eyes: i won’t get up there in time. freya begins her swallowing process, snakelike.  she doesn’t even move away; she enjoys watching the struggles and hardships, and most of all, people falling down.

i clamber on all fours up the hill, reaching her right as she gulps the last traces down. she is triumphant! her throat is making the weirdest, grossest sounds you’ve ever heard. she drops her head to collect more, and i see what it is. congealed dog vomit. it has the consistency of cold melted butter, with dog food chunks in it. i shoot out my hands to blockade her. it is no matter, because there is More along the trail. i can see it in her face. it is the gum incident all over again. she runs ahead. you’ll never catch me, mother. i am swift and sure footed, a beast of the undergrowth, and you are wearing your worst shoes.

i powerwalk down the trail after her, stopping her from going off to seek her treasures. she listens, because this is also a new game. questions plague me. what dog has been vomiting. why is there so much. i note at least five small piles, all just off trail. something terrible happened here. this is the second time i’ve had a horrible vomit experience on this very trail. which is funny, because it was the first thing i thought of when we arrived. ‘twas hubris that felled the beast; hubris and a short memory.

we are in the home stretch. so far i am winning, and she has not eaten any more puke. it does not matter to her; only that i am forced to keep up, and must shout. we round the last bend, i call her a wretched animal. i hear a voice a few feet behind me. a cold wave of deja vu passes through me. an Old Man has appeared from the woods. time is a flat circle. last time it was two old people. dread takes root in my belly. i am sisyphus. i am cassandra. i am soaked. history does not repeat, but it rhymes.

he is frightened of the dogs. freya is frightened of his umbrella. the disaster unfolds.

she is a slippery eel of a dog, and i didn’t put on her harness because i am a fool most of all, life is one long joke without a punchline, and didn’t expect to be here in the first place. my decision making lately has been poor. that was also a warning sign, ignored.  i herd her back to the car with big arm gestures and pleas (with only one road chicken scare, which gives me palpitations. what a fun game!! oh ho!). she is so muddy. she is so so muddy. the dog blanket on the back has fallen off due to chewy’s awkward scramble into the car. everything is muddy. i apologize to the old man. he is mud as well. the dogs are in high spirits. i give them their cookies, defeated. upon our return home, they gather first in the kitchen, for another cookie, and then on my clean sheets, for a nap. i am so very tired.

#i swore last time i would never take another walk there again but im a fucking clown so #the old people. the cliff. the vomit. it happened AGAIN. #long post #frog croaks #and the road is so so so bad like people die regularly on it #because it is winding and crumbling #in places #and people love to drive fast and/or drunk on it #it's cold enough that there's still snow on the ground #another fun fact #someone discarded corpses on these trails before! #people disappear and the town's like #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #chronic it's not my fucking business disease #freya #chewy

[luulapants]

Existential despair is so common in a person's twenties, I think, because up until that point, we've had a pretty clear road map for what's expected of us and we haven't had much reason to question that map. There are still a few milestones outlined for us (start a career, get married, make babies) but more and more young people are entering the post-school world and realizing:

A) that career thing just isn't happening like they said it would

B) I'm not ready to get married/I don't want to get married/marriage isn't the sort of life-altering event that it used to be

C) I'm not ready to make babies/I don't want a baby/I can't afford to raise children right now (see point A)

And in the absence of these milestones to shoot for (which one could argue weren't the promise of fulfillment they claimed to be in the first place), what we're left with is this aimless abyss of "the rest of our lives" sprawling out ahead of us with no indication of how it will go or what we should be doing to shape it. Young people start their first jobs, find they hate them, and think to themselves, "Is this it? Am I just supposed to do this job until I'm too old to do it or die first?"

Which is, yeah, really fucking depressing!! So here's my best attempt at an alternate roadmap for young people that don't vibe with the old model. Please feel free to add in your own suggestions!

Learn how you work and what you want out of a job. Unless you've been in a job-specific training program that gives you hands-on experience, your first jobs should be experiments. Learn how a full-time job feels for you, what elements are more or less difficult. Different workplaces have different cultures and expectations - what do you need out of a job environment? Do you need to find fulfillment in your job or is it enough for it to pay the bills and leave you time to find outside fulfillment? Do you want to climb a corporate ladder or are you content to hunker down as long as your bills get paid? This period of experimentation is exhausting and may feel like it's consuming your whole life.

Learn how to make time for things outside of work. Adapting to a full-time work environment often leaves you feeling so drained that you can't do anything but go home and collapse on the couch every day. That's fine - for a little while. But it can also become a habit. You need to learn how to do things after work or you'll go crazy. Go to a trivia night. Start an exercise schedule. Take a class in your community. Find volunteer work. Join a band. You will find that putting more things into your day makes you feel like you have more time, not less.

Find a community. Making friends as an adult can feel impossible. Where do you find these mysterious friends everyone seems to have?? This goes along with #2, though. As you start regularly attending the same activities, you will find that repeat interactions with the same people turn into friendships or at least friendly acquaintances. Say yes to invitations. Get involved in your local community. Strive to be connected enough to bump into people at the grocery store.

Unlearn bad lessons. We all internalize some messed up things when we're growing up. As you start off your adult life, that's the time to actively work at unpacking the things you've brought with you from childhood and deciding which things are helping you and which things are harming you. This might mean therapy or joining a spiritual group or reading new things or just making special time to be in your own head.

Learn the lessons you missed. In this, I mostly mean practical things. "Adulting." Areas of your day-to-day practical life that are causing you extreme stress are probably related to a knowledge or experience gap. Do you hate cooking and cleaning or were you not taught how to do it properly? Are you afraid of making medical appointments or is it just something new you're not used to? Does money make you queasy or do you need to learn how to make a budget?

Find something fulfilling. This can be your job. It can be volunteer work. It can be faith. It can be a hobby. It can be creating things. It can be challenging yourself physically. It can be activism. It can be going for walks in nature. Everyone finds fulfillment in different places. If you're not finding it where you are, look somewhere else.

#adulting #advice

[zg0nuwa]

biker!bi han thots? biker!bi han thots.

cw : bi han himself is a warning, mentions of road rage, mentions of traffic accidents (nothing descriptive, just mentioned), nsfw utc.

not only is he a bastard, he’s cocky and has a massive ego. he’s also a show off, his bike always polished to perfection, clean leather on his back, shining helmet, and his precious partner at his hip at nearly all times.

revs up the bike to make you jump and laughs at your reaction. somehow it never gets boring to him and he always finds the perfect moment to scare you.

actually not really liked in the community, people either hate him because he is a bitch or they don’t like him because he’s really fucking intimidating, sometimes both.

everyone is surprised he actually got into a relationship. not because he has a reputation for sleeping around or something, no. he’s an asshole, that’s all.

does the thing where at every red light he grabs your thigh and squeezes as hard as he can, he actually left bruises a few times cuz bro has a fucking death grip.

if you jokingly said that he should do a bench press with you instead of the weights he would actually do it. no hesitation, looks you dead in the eyes and goes “let’s do it”. now he does it regularly on your carpet in the living room, just for funsies.

tried making out with you on the bike, almost fell over, never tried it again.

his road rage needs to be studied, genuinely tries to tone it down when you’re with him but still, dear god he is a beast. probably slashed quite a few tires and smashed a good amount of mirrors. it’s not like he does it to normal people, no. he himself is surprisingly respectful on the road (ignore the amount of speeding tickets), but he doesn’t tolerate being a jackass to ANYONE when driving. sometimes he rages on behalf of other people only because he understands how fucking dangerous things can get very quickly.

probably been in an accident himself, two or three minor ones when he was just starting and a pretty serious one later on because someone was a fucking idiot, that why he gets so pissed.

nsfw [MDNI]

as mentioned above, he’s an asshole. teasing you the entire day, only to do nothing about it?? he acts like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, him? teasing you? never! waits until you start begging for it and if you don’t beg to make him crack? well, that’s too bad, he doesn’t lift a finger. the self control on this man is terrifying at times.

very dominant when it comes to sex, kind of a control freak in this department to be honest. and if you’re also leaning dominant, i am praying for both you and him, you because he doesn’t give up the upper hand easily, and him because he might just die when you stand your ground, never admits he finds it hot tho.

if you’re more submissive, not much changes when it comes to like, how rough he is or what antics he uses, in this scenario though he gets a massive ego boost that you pretty much rely on him to be satisfied.

fucked you while you were wearing only his leather bike jacket.

probably won’t fuck on his bike after the falling over fiasco, sorry :(

#m. talk #bi han #bi han x reader #sub zero x reader #bi han x y/n #bi han x you #bi han smut #bi han imagine #mk1 x you #mk x reader #sub zero x you #sub zero smut #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 1 x reader #bihan x reader #subzero x reader

[turbulentscrawl]

Ganji Gupta General HCs

I'm unable to make a header for Ganji at the moment, but I'll add one to the post later when I can get on my good desktop.

Edit: Added!

-First of all, in case it isn’t clear, Ganji started the fire. However, it’s important to note that Ganji chose arson for a few specific reasons. Plausible deniability was one. The second was that a fire gave people a chance to escape. Ganji believes in something along the lines of karma (I’m not especially religious or philosophical myself so I don’t feel inclined to pick one in particular for him), and a fire better allowed that to step in and save his targets. If the universe or whatever higher power, decided they deserved to live then they would, and Ganji could rest assured that they weren’t a wholly bad person. All but that child perished in the smoke and flames, though, so that settles that doesn’t it?

-Ganji is a man suffering from disillusionment. This is the result of him being taken advantage of. He left everything behind, came to another county just for the sport he loved, for his passion, only to find out that he was seen as nothing more than a novelty item. Something—not even a someone—kept around because his very existence was “amusing.” Disgusting.

-And it all happened because he’s naïve. He knows this, and just about everyone that’s around him for more than a day knows it, so now he’s incredibly protective of that aspect of himself. He’s not self-conscious of it or anything, he knows that naivety is just as aspect of someone being kind and trusting, but he’ll be damned if he lets someone else use him to their benefit again.

-Like Andrew, he’s developed a tendency to be sharp and reclusive as a defense mechanism. However, his emotional walls aren’t as thick, as dense. In a way, his hurt runs less deep because he doesn’t have self-hatred to factor into the cocktail of his pain. He warms to people faster and has a sweeter disposition under his cover…but you’ll have to be persistent if you want to get to that point. Ganji will shrug off offerings of kindness several times before giving someone a chance.

-In-line with his kindheartedness, but counter to the façade he puts up, Ganji can’t ignore someone else in real need. His mask falls as soon as someone’s peace or safety are threatened. He’s either the greatest hero or the biggest liability to have in a match because he can and will charge head-long into a hunter if it means saving another survivor. Even the ones he doesn’t like all that much. Additionally, he’s generally willing to argue on behalf of someone not willing to speak up for themselves.

-This boy is hard-headed. Stubborn! There are so many stupid hills he’s willing to die on. But he’s also not very good at arguments (which is unfortunate, considering the above hc), he stumbles over his words a lot, jumbles his points up. He sounds a lot more put-together in writing than in person, but his handwriting is atrocious so honestly good luck reading it. Poor guy is at a communication crossroads and both roads lead to embarrassment.

-As one might guess, this all makes Ganji very one-track minded in matches…and with most of his problems in life. Something wrong, anything? Swing the bat. At a ball, at a head. You know, whatever the situation calls for.

-His nativity also means that he doesn’t pick up on flirtation well. Someone either has to be very direct or very patient for Ganji to pick up on their interest. When he does catch on, he’s hesitant to reciprocate. He can’t deny the appeal of relationships, but he hasn’t had one since before he left home. Things are different. Really different, considering the manor…but it’s not hard to convince the guy to give love a chance as long as you’re not overly pushy.

-He spends a lot of free time at the manor trying to get people to play cricket with him. It doesn’t matter that no one else is really good at it, he just misses playing. William and Mike are the only ones who agree regularly, and that’s certainly not enough people. Most others only play along for Ganji’s birthday.

#idv batter #identity v #ganji gupta #ganji gupta x reader #turbulentscrawl #idv x reader

[babstheyaga]

Fear Me Or Die: Ch. Six: Don't Trust a Cop, Day 2

Pairing(s) for chapter: Oc(s)&Reader, Optimus&Reader, Ratchet&Reader, IronHide&Reader, CliffJumper&Reader.

Previous Ch. - Next Ch.

Word count for chapter: 6.3k

Rating for chapter: Explicit

Warnings for this chapter: Violence, blood&gore, curse words, police

A/n: (from Ao3):  B) Back again again again boyz, it's time to part-ay hart-ay! We got the next chapter here for you! And guess what... GOT THE OFFICIAL HEIGHT COMPARISON DONE!!

That's IronHide, and Cliff Jumper! 

 Then the height comparison: From left to right: Optimus (Of course), IronHide, CliffJumper, BumbleBee, Derek, Ratchet, Jazz, Arcee, and reader!

It's all of them! Once we get a little further into the series, (Currently taking a small break, maybe a week break from writing fmod so I can focus on work and a personal novel), I'm going to get more characters done. No spoilers on who they are, though, of course! it makes me really happy to see people gen liking this series. I don't plan on abandoning it like I did so many other projects, I promise, I'm still fully invested into this one. Anyway, love yall ;3; ttyl see you in like two-three weeks! (Sorry for bad cliffhanger, but also not >:) )

Everything around me was intense. The thundering, slowly becoming darker by the minute sky above was still storming, still raining and keeping my freezing body shaking. I was walking in the direction BumbleBee had told me, the cold wind making the rain feel like hail on my skin, I tried my best to not think about it. The sticks, pine needles and stones underneath me was like walking in hell itself, I whimpered with each and every step.

The forest felt like it never ended, the storm above caused everything to be gloomy and dark, I found it hard to look straight ahead, instead looking down at the ground. Mother nature was anything but kind to me today, and I'm starting to think it might have been a sign. But I was at least thankful for her for the cover she provided me from my scent that they could detect, if she didn't Arcee probably would have found me, and only lord knows what she would have done to me...

I couldn't see past a hill some ways away from me, and I dreaded the thought of going over it. I was already exhausted, let alone bleeding everywhere. I struggled toward the hill, looking up at it then looking back behind me. No one was around, no one to kill me. Well, at least that's good. I blinked back to the hill, taking in a deep breath through my nose and exhaled out my mouth. I was tired, soaked, scared and freezing. And now I had to push myself more. For normal people, this would be easy... I had a hard time believing I couldn't do this regularly. When I started to force myself up and over the hill, I used every ounce in me to push myself to my limit, grunting with each climb, feeling my mind spin and stomach turn.

I reached the top of the hill, looking out when something came up my throat. I fell to the ground on my knees, throwing up the sandwich I ate earlier. I kept heaving up food till nothing came up, my stomach empty again, making my sight blur with panic. I choked and coughed, gagging on stomach acid and when it finally stopped, I tried so hard to catch my breath. The rain washed away the snot and spit dripping from my face, but the awful taste in my mouth was horrid.

I battled to stand to my feet again, but I was persistent. I was going to get out of here even if I die trying.

But my silent prayers for help from any god out there was answered... The road! Behind the hill was pavement, a proper road that wasn't made out of gravel, and I could feel my body shake with excitement. I dipped down and slid down the mount to the road, looking both ways and to my left was a giant sign facing adjacent from me. I made my way to it, wanting to see what it said on it, hopefully showing how far civilization was.

When I approached it, I put a hand up to shield my eyes from the rain.

'Next Exit 60 miles'

Oh... Great...

I flicked my eyes across the pavement, instinctively looking both ways as I stepped onto it, surprisingly feeling it was warm, aiding some relief to my slowly deteriorating skin on the bottom of my feet. I started to make my way down the road, hoping not to see someone I wouldn't want to...

I wondered if there would be any cars that come by, would it be safe for me to get them involved? I need a ride to safety, but I don't want to ruin their chance at life. Getting more people killed is not on my to-do list.

The bandages on my hands were drenched, and when I looked down, I saw the red spilling out on them... Great, now it's not only just my feet, but my hands too. I'm going to need one hell of a doctor, and pray to the lord that I don't get on the news! If they even get a general idea of where I am, I'm a goner.

I couldn't tell if a rumbling I heard was thunder, or if it was a car. I was nervous to look behind me, or even look up from the ground in general. Petrified that I'd get caught and killed. But when I heard it approaching faster by the second, my terrified eyes blinked up from the ground. Coming through the rain was a old Jeep Cherokee, and I instantly knew I was safe. I rushed to jump into the pavement, flinging my hands up and I heard the car's wheels squeak on the wet road, quickly coming to a stop in front of me. I could see as the wipers were at high speed, a man and woman in the driver and passenger seat. The man got out the car, making sure to stay behind the safety of the door.

“What the hell are you doing?!” The man yelled.

The woman got out too, also staying safe behind her door. “Are you okay?!” She shouted.

I could feel my words get stuck in my throat, I could feel my head rushing, my heart was deafening in my ears, the world around me spinning faster and faster, and within only a few seconds... I passed out in front of them.

I was dead, wasn't I?

I killed myself by running away.

I'm in the void of death, nothing around me, just pure darkness. Yet... My mind is running at top speed. I couldn't hear anything, or... Could I? I knew I couldn't see. But I could hear faint voices. Them being far away, but the more I lay there, the closer they got.

“Mommy, she's bleeding!” A high pitched male voice said, telling me he was young, no older than 9 by the way he talked.

“I know honey, make space, she's sick.” Said a female voice, hers being soft and understanding.

“Angela, get in the back with her, I don't want her to wake up and hurt the kids.” A different male voice said, he was older though. Probably in his late 20s, possibly early 30s.

“Kayden Alexander, you look at this girl and tell me she's going to hurt the boys!” The female sounded angered.

“It's okay daddy, I can protect Peter!” Told the same small boy.

“Alright. Angela get in, we gotta get going. She looks dead.” The older man rushed.

“Let me check her pulse again.” The woman's voice came closer to me, and then stepped back. “She's alive, but we need to get her to a hospital... She still looks familiar...”

I heard the sound of a door slam, and that shook me enough to jump in my seat, taking in a enormous breath through my mouth and into my chest, eyes jolting open and looking around.

“You're okay!” The sight of a dark skinned female, her hair long, dyed red and curly said. “Take a deep breath, you're okay.” She calmed, but I looked around, finding myself in the back of a old looking car, what I guessed was the one that stopped for me. A young cool colored skinned boy next to me, holding what looked like a orange nerf gun at me. Behind him was a baby car seat, a small child sleeping in it. A white man in the front seat, looking at me in the rear view mirror with great intensity.

My breathing was harsh, one hand gripping the door handle, the other gripping the top of the seat. “Calm down sweetie, you're okay. We're taking you to the police.” She was cool and calm, putting up a hand as she leaned over the passenger seat, slowly reaching over to pick up the nerf gun the child was holding and pulling it to her lap.

“Why are you bleeding?” The child asked, and the mom shushed him viciously.

“Don't mind him, he's just nervous. You're okay.” She calmed me again, but I knew I needed to relax... There are children present, I can't get them into trouble.

“I-...” I released the tension from my chest, trying to sink into the seat behind me. “I... Ran away from my husband.” I said, surprisingly honest.

“Oh goodness...” The mom cursed, putting a hand to her mouth.

“Why?” The boy asked again, not even being phased by my fearful face and bloodied, beaten body.

“Micheal Alexander, you shush up now.” She hushed the boy, but he just leaned back, still not worried.

“We don't have any phones.” The dad suddenly said, answering a question in the back of my mind.

“Yes, we're coming back from a camping trip, but we'll get you safe, honey.” The mom comforted.

“What did your husband do?” The kid tilted his head, and the mom almost shushed him again but I beat her to it.

“He... Tried to hurt me. But I got away.” I simply stated.

“Is that how you got the purple stuff on your neck?” His boyish lisp was adorable, but the questions he asked were awful.

I brought a hand to my neck, softly feeling the deep purple bruises... Just lie. Don't get these people into danger.

I opened my mouth to say something, the mom catching me off guard with a gasp. “You're the Decepticon girl, aren't you?” She whispered, kind of to herself... I felt my heart drop, my breathing hitching and I coughed out loud. She looked to her husband, telling him to, “Drive faster...” Under her breath. When she saw me looking, she rushed to say a quick, “We'll call the police, just try to stay calm. You're bleeding a lot, we don't want you to lose too much blood.”

“They've been looking everywhere for you.” The dad said. I looked out the window, seeing a sign say 'Next Exit 45 Miles' Well, at least we're getting closer.

I remembered they were looking for me on the TV this morning, but it's surprising that even people without TV's or phones know about it.

“I've been trying to get away...” I mumbled, blinking down to my hands and finally putting them to my lap, feeling a little more relaxed.

“Bless your heart...” The mom said. She kept her eyes on me, and so did the young boy, he put his arms under one another like he was studying me. I tried not to keep eye contact with any of them, worried they will see me as a threat. They're already doing so much for me, helping me get to safety wasn't something everyone would do... What I guessed was the mom's motherly instinct kicking in. She was sweet, trying to make sure I know they're not dangerous, nor that they would call someone bad, if she knew them, that is.

I looked to the boy next to me without turning my head, thinking if I had the courage to talk to him, or would the parents get offended...?

“You're brave for protecting your sibling...” I tilted my head up for a second to nudge to him, feeling a small smile form on my lips when he sat up and looked to his mom for confirmation. “What's your name...?” I asked softly, leaning over to my door to give him space. He looked to his mom again, and she nodded to allow him to answer me.

“M-Micheal.” He answered, and I felt my heart lighten at his nervousness...

“Ahh, Micheal...” I started, tilting my head to the side to not seem intimidating. “Do you know what Micheal means in the bible?” I asked, a gentle tone to my cracky voice. He shook his head. “It means, gift from God.” I quoted. He perked up, a faint grin morphing on his childish face. The mom reached a hand out to him, and he took it, a small moment that I helped create... I felt a little happy, though I knew these moments would be shortly lived.

“Tell her your brothers name.” His mother encouraged, and he took his hand away from hers, leaning the other way and putting a hand into the car seat, offering it to his baby brother.

“His-His name is Peter.” He answered shyly, I smiled more, answering him again.

“Peter... A good name. Strong name. You know Simon Peter was one of the three...” I started.

“The three?” He asked.

“The three closest to Jesus, the three chosen ones. Jesus had many disciples, but James, Peter and John were his closest... “ I stopped, thinking on my wording. “You can always have multiple friends, but the three you know as your best, will always be your closest.” I answered. My quotes on the bible were nothing compared to a preacher, but the years of my mother reading me it each and every night as a child always made my day better. So what I was taught from it, I will always remember.

“What does Peter mean?” He asked, and I brought a hand up to my face to fake scratch my chin in thought.

“It means a stone. Or a rock. So I guess that means that Peter is as strong as a rock, doesn't it?” I said, trying my best to lighten the darkened mood. He nodded vigorously, looking back to his baby brother and holding a finger out to his tiny hands, which Peter grasped. “You care for him a lot, don't you...?” I said lowly, and he glanced back at me, then back to his brother. He smiled greatly at him, and I felt my heart flutter.

“There's no hospitals or police stations for the next 50 miles, we might be able to call someone at the visitor center.” The dad interrupted, shaking me back to reality.

Okay, stay calm. There's probably a payphone or a phone in the center that we can use. If not, we might be able to use the phone at the front office, if there's anyone there, that is. When I looked out the window, I saw that the rain had stopped finally. It seems mother nature might finally be on my side, either that or she's preparing me for something...

“I'm sure there is a state trooper somewhere on the highway, we just need to get there. The visitor center is six minutes away, if we want to try there first...?” The dad asked, and I looked up from my thoughts.

“That would be great, thank you.” I replied, feeling myself lighten. I'm free at least, thankfully. I'm safe with these people, what are the Autobots going to do? Kill a baby? I think not. They're bad people, but they can't be that bad, right? I'd fight tooth and nail for these people, they saved me. “Mrs., Mr.?” I asked aloud, the dad looked at me through the rear view mirror. “Thank you... You guys didn't need to take me in, and... I'm thankful. I probably would be back there again if it wasn't for you...” I thanked, and the woman laid a caring hand on my knee, squeezing it and smiling gently.

“We did what God told us to do.” She answered, and I nodded.

When the mom pulled back and sat properly in her seat, I looked down at my hands, studying them harshly. I knew I was safe, but everything inside me told me there was something wrong. I felt like I was running straight into a trap, if it be when I get to the police station, or at the center... I felt terrible, scared out my mind.

No. Stop. I'm safe, I'm not in trouble, I need to calm down. Everything will be alright, don't think about the past, I'll be safe with the police, they can't get me there. I'm alright, just calm down. Don't worry about it, we're fine.

“We're gonna be okay, kid.” The dad said, pulling me out of my horrific thoughts. I looked up to him to see him spying on me in the mirror. I blinked a few times, looking to the boy who was playing with his brother, to the mom who was looking at the dad, and the dad who was now focusing on the road ahead. When I blinked out the window, I took in a breath and saw the sign, 'Visitors center next right' And when I noticed us moving off the highway, I straightened myself and looked out of the front window, seeing us pull into the lane and stop in a parking spot.

When the dad turned off the car, I looked out to see a bunch of truckers, a few cars behind the semis, nothing was bad, so why am I so afraid? The mom got out, opening the door for me as it had child safety lock. She went over to the side the children were on, I watched her take out the baby and let the kid get out. I slowly got the courage to stand up, my feet still bleeding out of specific spots, my hands as well. I began to rise, and the dad rushed over to put my arm over his shoulder to help me stand, luckily he was on the shorter side, helping me walk to the sidewalk and sit on a concrete bench. I looked up to the mom as she had the baby in her arms, the dad whispering something in her ear.

“We're gonna see if they have a phone in there, do you feel comfortable enough to stay out here alone?” Asked the mom, and I looked around, seeing a few cars that I couldn't name, and when a specific oversized truck caught my attention, I bit my tongue.

I didn't want to be a problem, I didn't want them to have to stay out here with me, or take me back to the car. What if they didn't trust me alone in their car? I don't want to make them uncomfortable... Dammit...

“I'm-... I'm fine out here.” I said, though it was a god awful lie, I even stuttered...

“We're going to go see if they have a phone in there, be careful, okay?” She told, and I nodded, watching them start to make their way to the main building. And I was left outside. But I was anything but comfortable. The car in between two semis was the black truck that I saw back at the cabin. It could have just been any truck, maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but they looked identical. The license plate was on the back, making it impossible to read it and remember what it was... I was terrified, if they were in that building, they'll have to come out and see me. And since the raining had stopped, my smell was back again.

There was a few people getting out their cars, all people I didn't recognize, thankfully... It made me wonder how many of these people could realize that I was the girl on the news. I wasn't sure if I wanted that or not. The looming thought of the Autobots being in the building, the more people who notice me, the more people are at risk.

There was another family of four that came out of a van, except they had a little girl instead of a little boy. She was adorable, having on a pretty little yellow dress and princess rubber sandals. The mom was carrying a baby, no older than a month, probably just born within the past couple weeks. She was precious. I use to wish I could have a child, but now I don't think it would be good. I would be on the run my entire life, it would be unsafe to bring a child into the mix.

Jesus... I'm going to be on the run my entire life... How was I going to explain to the police that I found the Autobot's leader? How was I going to explain to ANYONE about it? Everyone I know could get me killed. Because of the TV, they know what my mother looks like. The whole US is looking for me, let alone the rest of the squad. I'm sure the police will believe me, but how do I know they don't have insiders? It's dangerous no matter where I go. With my parents. The police. My boyfriend. All of it is dangerous. I can die no matter where I go. Hell, I don't even think I'm safe here. The mother promised me I would be safe, but promises are meant to be broken...

“Hey!” I jumped at the sudden shout for my name, looking to the direction of the voice and seeing that it was the dad. I struggled to stand, knowing that they needed me for something. When he jogged over to me, he instantly put my arm over his shoulder to help carry me. “There's a state trooper and a EMS worker in there, they're talking to Angela right now about getting a ambulance out here. They're gonna drive you to a hospital!” He said excitedly, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Oh thank god, a trooper! They tend to be more believing of people rather than regular police officers.

I limped my way up the sidewalk to the main building, seeing the doors and feeling a rush of excitement wash over me as I entered into the building. I looked around frantically for the trooper, expecting to see a man in a uniform, but I only saw four... Figures...

“Over here officer!” The dad shouted, and turning around was... Optimus...

My legs collapsed.

“Matthew, help her.” Optimus told and CliffJumper came to help pick me up. I could tell he was holding down a grin. He threw my free arm over his shoulder, forcing me to stand and I almost went limp in their arms.

All I could do was stare and walk towards Optimus, Ratchet and IronHide. I watched as Optimus was facing me, a still, soft smile on his face like he was amused by me, but serious with the family. They took me to Ratchet, who lifted my chin and looked down at me from over his nose.

“Put her on the bench, I need to check her out...” Ratchet said, obviously despising the fact that he gets to see me again, and in such rough shape too. They led me to the bench next to a line up of magazines and fliers. I sat down and stared up at Ratchet with wide, petrified eyes, my mouth slightly ajar, looking like a idiot. He kneeled down before me, allowing me to see Optimus come over with a small notebook and pen in hand.

“Run me through what happened before you saw her.” He asked.

“We were driving from the state park's camp ground, it was raining and we couldn't really see too far. The trip went well, no bears or wolves showed up this time! But there was a camper in a RV that said they saw this girl on the news, and they said to keep an eye out of her on the way back to the city.” The mom said.

“And where did you say you found her?” He asked the mother, and she readjusted the baby in her arms.

“Probably 40 or 50 miles away from the state park campsite, we were just coming back from a family trip.” The dad came to her, pulling the small boy to his side. I couldn't believe he was playing these people like a goddamn fiddle!

“Did you find her in this condition?” He asked, paying my awestruck expression no mind.

“Worse, actually...” The dad scoffed, the mom shushed him.

“She passed out in front of our car, Kayden almost ran her over!” The mom said, shocked.

“And where did you say she came from?” Optimus asked.

“We're not sure, we think she might have been walking the roadside since the camp ground... That's where we heard about her missing for the first time, another camper said he saw her, but we just assumed it was on the news.” She replied.

Ratchet was too busy undoing my bandages, what I knew for a fact was him faking looking at me, as he wasn't actually doing anything to me. He looked over his shoulder a couple times from the corner of his eye, making sure no one was watching. I was still dead silent.

“Around what time did you spot her?” He asked.

“Um...” She looked to her husband.

He rushed to answer. “Around 2:20.” He stated.

“Is there anything that happened during your drive here, anything usual? Cars tailgating you, other people on the side of the road, possibly a hitchhiker?” He asked, and she shook her head.

“No, nothing like that. Everything was normal besides the fact that she was scared to death!” She took in a breath, looking over at me with pure concern.

“You said you think she might have been at the camp ground... Did you see any signs of her there?”

“No, not at all! But there's no other places that she could have come from! Besides maybe that old cabin camp ground, but that place has been abandoned for decades! Oh jeeze, do you think they were holding her there...?” She whispered the last part.

“We visit that area regularly, ma'am. Kids nowadays want to start fires, or have parties around there. You've heard the legends around that area, I'm sure.” He comforted. She gasped.

“That horrid ax man, I'm sure of it! I've heard the stories of those poor children going missing, but... I was never sure if they were true or not.” Her voice was dripping with concern.

“Most of the legends are fake, but there have been dozens of reports of families going missing back when the cabins were populated.”

“Oh thank goodness... We've always thought of taking a look around that place, but from what he know it's locked up, right?” She asked.

“Correct ma'am, we keep a tight hold around that area, as it's a big fire hazard with all the old clothes and sheets in the cabins. But luckily most of them are caved in or already burned down.”

“You're doing an amazing thing for the girl, sir.” She thanked. Optimus nodded the entire time, and when he realized he had enough information, he closed the notebook and clicked the pen, stuffing them both into his back pocket. I looked away from him for just a second to see IronHide on the phone, obviously being sneaky and not wanting them to hear. Cliffjumper was standing next to Ratchet, his arms crossed and eyeing the family, seeming awfully distrusting.

“Thank you for reporting this, you probably just saved this girls life. Lord only knows what she went through out there. You're her guardian angel.” Optimus praised, holding her free hand lovingly.

“It was all God's work, I knew there was a reason we needed to come out here. God has her in his sight.” She looked to me and smiled gently, I just kept my eyes on Optimus.

“Johnathan, is she okay?” Optimus said, referring to Ratchet. He took in a breath, fake stress as he stood and shook his head.

“She's lost a lot of blood. Her wounds are full of dirt and will most likely get a severe infect if we don't get her to a hospital soon.” He answered. The mom gasped, putting her free hand to her mouth and tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

“Will she be okay?!” She came to his side and put a hand on his shoulder. He put a caring hand on hers, trying to comfort her though I knew he was lying.

“If we can get her home, she'll do just fine.” Jesus, these guys were award winning actors...

“Get her to the car. We already have EMS on the way, we've got it from here.” Optimus said, and the mom went in for a hug.

“What was your name again, officer?” The dad asked.

“Demetre Finley, Sir.” The dad reached out his hand and shook it, the both of them sharing a small moment. He turned from the couple and went to my side, his back to them and winking down at me for a second before turning back around to face them. “Do you need help to stand?” He said, hinting at the first time me and him talked alone. I couldn't help the small tears forming in my eyes, opening my mouth properly but nothing came out. Just pure shock filling my body and face. He nodded and dipped down, picking me up bridal style and beginning to take me out of the building and away from the couple.

“Please...” My voice squeaked, barely even a whisper it was so small. I watched them disappear from my sight, the mom waving to me and the dad holding his son tight.

CliffJumper opened the door, allowing for Optimus to walk through, and just like that... They stole me again.

They took me away from everyone, Optimus saying a quick, “Keys, Ratchet.” And Ratchet handed them to him, his huge hands having no trouble in taking them while holding me. They took me away from the walkway, back onto the pavement and towards their car. When he was away from seeing eyes, he threw me over his shoulder, and it was then that it hit me like a train. I choked on the words in my mouth, pushing myself up and on his shoulder, seeing he was taking me to the truck.

“Wait- No no no- Please- No-” I began to beg, but CliffJumper ran up behind Optimus, putting a hand to my mouth and shushing me with his other.

“Shhh, baby. It's alright, don't make a scene.” He hushed, and I stared, stunned that they managed to take me again.

Optimus opened the back door, practically throwing me into the seat. I stumbled up, fear lurking in my mind as CliffJumper climbed on the stair and pushed me back, sitting in the seat closest to the window. I jumped again as IronHide opened the opposing door, shoving me back and I was forced towards CliffJumper, who elbowed me. I sat up again, this time only sitting in the middle seat, breath on edge and staring intently towards the front window. Ratchet got in the passenger seat, and Optimus got in the divers. He took no time with starting it, but stopped when he looked over his shoulder.

“Andy?” He barked.

“Already here.” IronHide answered.

“Take the kids.” He replied darkly, I jumped, looking between IronHide and Optimus frantically.

“Wa-Wait- Nononononono, you-you can't hurt them-!” I whimpered, Optimus interrupted.

“You should have thought of that before you ran away.” He said, then put the truck in drive and began our way back to the cabin.

The drive back was intense. No one dared talk, the livid Autobot leader was staring darkly at the road ahead, his grip on the steering wheel deathly tight, and if looks could kill, all four of us would be corpses. He was enraged, and no one wanted to mess with him. Occasionally I would see IronHide look over at me, or CliffJumper sneak a glance, but nothing prepared me for when Optimus glared at me from the rearview mirror. I was a goner, I knew I was.

I couldn't move a inch from my seat in any direction, the two people beside me hogging up their seats and some. My knees were latched together, my hands sealed to my lap, I stared intently at the bottom of the center consul.

How was I going to make it out of this one? I'm a dead man walking.

I was ossified to my seat, not even thinking about moving, let alone talk. Everything felt like it was in slow motion, watching my life go by so passively, I didn't know what to do. I was going to be six feet under their cabin, and there wasn't a damn thing stopping it.

The mother told me I was safe. The dad told me it would be okay. So why am I here? How am I here? How is this even possible? Being caught twice in a week by the Autobots... The second time being an accident. I knew it was a trap, and I ran straight into it, like it was perfectly planned. Was this BumbleBee's idea all along? Did he call in and have them watch me? All I know is I'm heading back to my death.

We got to the driveway, it being obscenely long as we drove down it. I looked up to the front window without moving my bowed head, the outside going slower as we had to go through gravel. I felt the rocks in the road making the car bounce, I tried not to bump into the two men around me. I took in a breath through my nose, trying to be silent as I saw the cabin approaching. I watched CliffJumper and IronHide hold onto the door handle, preparing themselves to jump out as soon as the car stops. And when it did, the two doors rushed open, darting out like there was a bomb.

I watched Optimus take the keys out the car, throwing them to Ratchet who caught them and they both got out. I was still too scared to move, but when Optimus went to the door to my left, he instantly reached in and grabbed for me. I jumped out of my skin, falling on my back and trying to crawl away from him, but he gripped my ankles, yanking me towards him and grabbing the shirt on the back of my neck. He dragged me out the truck, me falling out as it was tall, but he gave me no time to catch myself, pulling me along side him, my knees and legs scraping on the gravel.

I was a doll in his hands, dragging me along him as he barged into the cabin. “Autobots!” When we were fully in, he threw me to the ground. I caught myself on my stomach, looking up to see BumbleBee, Arcee, Jazz and... Derek. He was alive!

Optimus stomped his gigantic boot into my back, slamming me to the floor, and my face hit the wood.

“You have 1 minute to explain yourselves.” He bellowed. All three of them rushed into action.

“Me and Jazz went out for a cigarette-”

“I was just having a ciggie when-”

“Then Bee came out being all angry-!”

“Then we heard a shout from the woods-”

“But I found Jones with a AX-”

“The lake was empty so I went back to the shack-”

“We beat Jones up because, I mean, he shouldn't have ran away ANYWAY-”

“I just went back to the cabin with Arcee-”

“THEN WE LOST HER!”

“THEN WE LOST HER!” The both of them said in sync.

All three of them went silent. I couldn't see BumbleBee properly with my head plastered to the ground, so I tried my best to listen. Derek was across from me, his head bowed, his face slowly dripping blood, a pool of it on the carpet he was sitting on next to the couch. Praise the lord, he's at least alive... For now.

Optimus went silent, looking to Derek, when he asked a low, daring, “This was your idea?” His voice was laced with anger, every part of him pissed off and ready to kill.

Derek looked up slowly, He only could see out one eye, his nose completely broken, and lips busted to high heaven. His breathing was slow, he was obviously exhausted. I wanted so bad to get up and help him. He looked to me, his expression not changing, probably unable to. He blinked back to Optimus, then nodded.

“Derek... No...” I whined, but Optimus wasn't ready for me to talk, he put his boot on my face, squishing me and I whimpered.

“You take full responsibly for this?” He barked, Derek stared. No, he'll get killed, I can't let this happen...

“Derek...!” I cried, a little louder, not caring what would happen to me. Optimus ground his boot into the side of my face, and I sobbed.

Derek kept his eyes on Optimus, unwavering, an expressionless face and blood seeping out through his entire body. I was in sorrow, I could help him, I could save him! I lost him once, I can't let him go again.

“Please!” I choked, and Optimus about had it with me, he took his boot off my face, but I couldn't react in time for him to kick me in the stomach. I coughed, gagging at the feeling of stomach acid coming up my throat.

“Answer me, Jones!” He snarled, and put his boot on my back again. I tried to push myself up, thinking I could outsmart him, but he slammed me back down, now putting more pressure on me.

Derek wasn't fighting, his hands tied behind his back, his legs underneath him as he sat on them, the unforgiving, enduring stare made every inch of me cry out. He was giving up, he couldn't fight anymore, he knew he couldn't win this, and it was killing me.

Derek nodded, a slow, gentle nod. Optimus straightened himself, looking around at all the quiet, dead still people. They were terrified, and rightfully so. I couldn't move, I couldn't get up to help, I was stuck here with these heathens.

Optimus looked to IronHide and CliffJumper who were at the edge of the living room, his glare intense.

“Drown him in the lake where they found him.”

#bumblebee x reader #optimus prime x reader #dark fic #transformers fanfiction #fem reader #transformers x reader #fanfic #bumblebee x you #optimus prime x you #bumblebee x y/n #optimus prime x y/n #x reader #reader insert #humanformers #fanfiction

[every-aj-needs-an-angel]

Rules: post 10 of your favourite comfort movies then tag 10 people.

Thank you for the tag @its-all-ineffable 💖

The Holiday. Hot people Christmassy romcom, what's not to like? What Jack Black does with his character!! Beautiful!! And do I need to say more than Kate Winslet? Also single dad Jude Law in glasses!! Cameron Diaz rocking out to The Killers!! And driving a Mini down a country road and nearly getting wiped out by a lorry. So accurate it's *chefs kisses* Favourite scenes include: Arthur's moment to shine, Miles and Iris in Blockbuster and the tent scene with the kids with an honourable mention for Mr Napkinhead 😂 It's my go-to movie whenever I'm sad because it's just so stupidly funny and adorable.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Jim Carrey. That's all I have to say. Honestly, I've seen this film a million times. I can quote it by heart and do so regularly much to my mums annoyance. The schedule scene is very me anytime I'm invited anywhere 😂 some favourite quotes "Am I just eating because I'm bored" "Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY!" "We're gonna die! I'm going to throw up, and then I'm gonna die!" "The insolence! The audacity! The unmitigated gall!" "Nice kid... bad judge of character" (absolutely me with my niblings) It's just the perfect remedy whenever I'm ill.

The Muppets Christmas Carol. I love all the adaptations but this one is my favourite. Me and my mum snuggle up every Christmas Eve and sing along. It reminds me of the magic of childhood Christmases and soothes something deep in my soul.

The Old Guard. This is the only adrenaliney one cos I have anxiety and I need chill shit if I watch a film but Joe & Nicky are my perfect Immortal Husbands and the tiny details of their relationship are all-encompassing and easily distract from all the murder and kidnap 😂

Mary Poppins. Do I need to say more than Julie Andrews? Dick Van Dyke. The outfits. The songs. Suffragettes. Tea parties on the ceiling. Dancing penguins. The merry-go-round horses. When I was a kid my mum used to foster so our house was always full of kids who needed someone to love them, make them feel safe and bring them some joy. That's probably why Poppins is one of my comfort characters, my mum was her.

Alice In Wonderland. Any of the adaptations. They're all brilliant. I do love the 1951 animation though mainly bc I adore the dormouse scene but becoming BFFs with a load of weird and wonderful creatures in a dreamstate is just *chefs kisses* Any scene with The Mad Hatter in any of the adaptations is my favourite but I am a sucker for the clean cup move down scene.

Sherlock Gnomes. I also love any Sherlock adaption but this one's just hysterical. Watson is just done™️. Sherlock and Juliet's squirrel disguise when sneaking through the park kills me every time. Moriarty as a pastry mascot and the fact he has dumb gargoyles as his assistants. Perfection really. Honestly, this film is just so fucking stupid you can't possibly feel sad when you watch it.

Monsters, Inc. bc it might've been like twenty years but I still want a Sully hug!! Also the pure beautiful hilarious chaos that is this film cracks me up. "Mike Wazowski", "Always watching" and "Put that thing back where it came from or so help me" are just killer lines. I absolutely adore The Abominable Snowman too he's just too sweet.

The Addams Family. Any of the films. All of the films. Gomez and Morticia are ultimate couple goals. They adore each other. Support their kids unconditionally. So kind and generous it often gets them in trouble. They're just perfect.

Red, White And Royal Blue. Last but not least, only because it's the newest. This film was amazing!! I adored the book and although the film is different I love that it's basically a 'what if' fanfic of itself. It was genuinely lovely to be able to watch a queer story and be able to relax with it!! Don't get me wrong I love how profound queer films can be but they either have me gripped in anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop or have me reaching for a comedian to brush away the deep-seated sadness. I felt so safe and yeah they have their ups and downs like every couple but I think I'd have felt the same safety with those characters even if I hadn't read the book first. 5* 10/10 highly recommend. Will be watching this on repeat for the foreseeable future.

Absolutely no pressure tags @mickalaem @flowercrowngods @auroraplume @estrellami-1 @i-less-than-three-you @mentallyundone @hbyrde36 @penny00dreadful @adhdsummer @writingfanficsfan 💖

#tag games #comfort films

[astriiformes]

Poking and prodding at my brain now that I have another potential dose of context for why it melts down and spirals over things so often and like. Putting everything in a list there really is a pattern I should have been paying more attention to probably, but have always just identified as bad anxiety or neurodivergent quirks

That said, it is also making me feel immensely lonely because I have lots of neurodivergent and anxious friends I've gone to for advice over the years, but I'm realizing that my possible pure-obsessive OCD and scrupulosity tendencies may be why I've often responded poorly to their attempts at help. Which is good to understand, and ultimately may help me tell them what I do need but. Also means I am suddenly hyper aware of how irrational the stuff I can't help but meltdown over is, and feel really stupid for it and also like the people I'm closest to aren't going to have much advice for me.

Anyways. For my own connecting-the-dots purposes. Some very normal thoughts I have had breakdowns over before:

As a kid who was raised Evangelical, had a pretty classic case of the religious/blasphemous intrusive thoughts often associated with OCD that caused me an immense amount of distress. This one has calmed down entirely now that I have extricated myself from that environment, but also for a couple years after leaving the church I would have similar thought spirals literally any time someone mentioned the concept of the afterlife/hell.

Adjacently, the second part contributed to me having a fear of death so intense for a while that I once broke down crying in my mom's car during the 7-minute drive from my dad's place to hers on a night where there were no other cars on the road because I was so convinced we were going to die in a car crash.

Unfortunate fact: I was trying to get into Discworld at the time and read Mort while all this was going on and my opinion of the series has never quite recovered.

.......Have multiple friends very into Discworld and used to spiral any time it got mentioned because it felt like a moral flaw that it stressed me out so much because I shouldn't feel that way about something to important to my friends, and additionally felt like it would be, essentially, thoughtcrime to blacklist it.

(This is better now and I am probably going to give the books another try, but for a while I was very stupid about it)

Spent actual years searching for a place to buy gatorade powder that wasn't Walmart or Amazon even though I need it for actual health reasons, because they were the only places I could find it and I have an obsessive avoidance of both companies and couldn't bear the thought of buying from them for the first time in years. Over something I needed. For my health.

Opposite of the Discworld problem: some of my friends have problems with a TV show I like which means I have spent entire evenings crying myself to sleep with guilt because obviously I cannot like things that the people in my life are bothered by

I am not joking I missed class regularly as a result of the last one for several weeks, I was so distraught.

And like I also have dealt with a lot of other things over the years, including really upsetting intrusive thoughts (usually of the "what if something violent and gory happened to you and/or your loved ones," variety, with a side of self-harming and suicidal thoughts -- being a really visual thinker makes this particularly terrible) and constant spiraling over perceived social/moral missteps.

And I guess I'm feeling kind of frustrated because so many people have latched onto the more... hm... relatable I guess aspects of my anxiety in ways that have made me think the above are like. Normal for someone with really bad anxiety (and trauma too, I guess, though I think that really is the source of some of them) and I've fallen into beating myself up over not being able to overcome mine the way everybody else seems to. And now I still don't even entirely feel like I'm allowed to self-diagnose any of this as OCD specifically but I'm also realizing that there is something much more fucked up and irrational happening in my brain than I thought because I just assumed this was how mental illness was for everyone and I was just. Really bad at managing it.

#maybe there is. maybe there is something going on here

[on-a-lucky-tide]

emoji ask game: 🧠 for...Geralt!

Headcanon: Geralt

It was very difficult to pick! But I'm going to go with my headcanon about Roach's name. I've seen lots of cute and funny reasons, so I'll add mine to the bundle, and it comes from two avenues.

The English term for the fish ("roach") shares its origin with "roche": both terms come from the French word for "rock". We know the original name for Roach in the polish translation is Płotka, which is a diminutive of the word Płoc (Roachie; cute), and also gendered, suggesting Geralt's preference for mares. However, płotka has a secondary meaning, which is "small fry". This is brought up by Morvran in the Polish version of the game during the quest "Broken Flowers". Now, if we smoosh these two things together, we get my headcanon:

A young Geralt, with barely a year on the Path under his belt, has finally saved up enough to afford a horse. He's always loved horses and regularly volunteered for the unpopular work detail of cleaning out the stables at Kaer Morhen, just so he could spend more time with them. There's something calming about their presence. Touching their glossy coats quietens his mind, their warm bulk makes him feel safe, and they don't mock his dreams.

With his pipedream of becoming a knight, a horse was always going to be a necessary part of his life on the road. So, for young, barely scratching on twenty-two-year-old Geralt, having enough money in his pale, shaking hands to purchase his very own steed makes him feel light-headed.

There's no way he's going to be able to afford a destrier or something with muscle and grunt, but if he goes to the right yard he might find something fierce and stubborn.

His first Roach is a small mare that the farmer is desperate to be rid of. She can't be mated because she will kick stallions that come near her, and she's too small to pull carts or take the yoke for a plough. The first time Geralt meets her, she bites his arm. She's small, scrappy, and more stubborn than an ox. If she could talk, Geralt has no doubt she would have a razor-edge wit that would cut all to ribbons.

She's perfect.

He doesn't name her. He's too frightened that if he names her, then destiny will take her away.

In the months that follow, they bond. Roach kicks a drowners in the face. Geralt isn't sure whether it's an accident through sheer panic at first, but when there's a repeat performance, he figures she's doing it deliberately.

When a bandit tries to steal her, she bites him so hard it draws blood and they abandon her to make her own way back to Geralt. He wouldn't even have realised she'd been stolen if his kit hadn't been rifled.

He still can't bring himself to name her. Just in case.

She keeps him steady when he wants to give up. She demands oats when it would be much easier for him to walk away from a contract. He works hard because she needs shelter, and care, and love. She deserves it. She is a living, breathing thing that deserves respect, and she's relying on him.

He talks to her to break up his loneliness when it threatens to swallow him whole. He misses his friends, his brothers; he misses Eskel, and his silly stories and his stupid grin. He misses the stupid, repetitive jokes muttered by the instructors and the witchers on the path, and he misses the easy acceptance of being around people like him.

He still calls her 'horse' though.

And then they have to make their way up to Kaer Morhen. It's his first year making the journey and Geralt's left it too late. He was arrogant and believed he would stomp triumphantly up the trail with all his riches in tow.

Geralt and Roach get snowed into a cave. It's so cold. He can barely keep his eyes open long enough to maintain the fire. He lays her down as close as he can to it, and drapes his cloak over them both. His teeth stop chattering eventually, and he knows that's bad.

With a harrowing stab of pain, he realises they're both going to die in the cave. A grizzly reminder for everyone else that ever takes the trail to respect the mountain. He can't let her die without a name. Nothing should die without a name; that's what Vesemir had said when he had named each of the boys privately before the trials. He was meant to wait until they lived. He couldn't.

So Geralt names his horse. He names her Roach. Meaning small fry. Meaning "my rock".

The following morning, Eskel digs Geralt and his damned horse out of the cave, cursing Geralt every second. Eskel looks between the pale, quivering beanpole clutching onto his shoulder for support, and the small, demonic creature glaring at him in challenge.

"Thank you, Roach," Eskel says, knowing her body heat kept his idiot best friend alive. She bites him so hard he yowls, and Eskel knows instantly that destiny had a hand in bringing Geralt and Roach together.

#ask #writing game #geralt of rivia #witcher eskel #the witcher books #tw3

[thisfairytalegonebad]

Stranded/Broken Phone - Whumptober day 10

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV Character: Ignis Scientia Rating: Teen and up Warnings: None

Read below the cut or on AO3 here.

No matter how one feels about working with other people, in the Darkness, it’s no longer optional. It’s rule number one at the hunters’ headquarters - no hunting alone.

Ignis, while stubborn and confident in his own abilities, isn’t actually stupid enough to question that rule, even though Gladio seems to think otherwise. No, he wouldn’t dare venture out alone, blind or not, but finding other hunters willing to take the perceived risk and bring him along turns out to be a bigger challenge than anticipated.

It irks him, that he has to prove himself over and over again while even Iris, not even fully grown yet, regularly joins groups of hunters and people have long stopped even batting an eye at that. What irks him even more is that he cannot even truly blame them for being hesitant about him tagging along - sometimes he himself can hardly believe how far he’s come since stumbling around the waterlogged mine in Cartanica.

Still, it means that he has to take what he can get, and so when he hears of a group of hunters heading out to reclaim a fallen outpost, he jumps at the chance.

From the very start, Ignis doesn’t like them. He’s disgusted with their leader’s arrogant attitude, and the others seem like spineless cowards unable to think for themselves. Looking back, he definitely should’ve known better, but they agree to take him along and he’s itching to get out and be useful, so he doesn’t question them nearly as much as he should.

Hindsight and all.

As it turns out, his assessment of the group as spineless cowards was more than accurate and paired with a leader who is too full of himself, it’s a perfect recipe for disaster. Once it becomes clear that things are going irreparably downhill, those fools turn on their heel and flee, leaving Ignis to struggle alone.

It’s not like he thinks fleeing is a bad idea - in fact, it is a capital idea and he’d love nothing more than to do the same, but he’s been backed into a corner and so his only options are to fight his way out of it or die trying.

He manages to go with the first, preferred option, but only barely, and he doesn’t make it very far until he collapses into the dirt and passes out before he can properly process it.

----

Ignis wakes, and that in itself comes as a surprise, at least once the events that lead to this situation come back to him. He passed out somewhere in the wilderness, in an area that is crawling with daemons, and somehow they haven’t eaten him alive. It’s almost too lucky, but Ignis isn’t going to complain about it.

He has a far more urgent problem, anyway - he has no gods-damned idea where he is.

Stubbornly shoving the panic that threatens to arise within him back down, he drags himself upright and assesses his injuries.

His right wrist hurts something fierce, and he hopes it’s just sprained but he wouldn’t bet on it - he thinks he feels something shift inside, but perhaps he’s just imagining it. Either way, he’ll have to resort to one-handed fighting for the time being.

He doesn’t think he’s actively bleeding anywhere, which is good. He does have cuts and bruises all over his arms and torso, but they all seem to be superficial.

Aside from his wrist, his head hurts the worst, likely the reason why he passed out. Concussion, most likely. He suspects he’s only been out for a couple of minutes at most, but it’s enough to leave him completely disoriented.

They didn’t venture too far from the road, but even though Ignis can still see some light despite his blindness, that is only the case when he’s looking directly at it, not from a distance like the street lights would be. If he starts walking now, it’s a gamble that’ll most likely end with him wandering even further into the darkness.

Hauling himself to his feet with gritted teeth - his body feels like one giant bruise and he wants nothing more than to lie down in a soft bed - he summons his polearm and uses it as a cane. For now, he has to get out of the open, find shelter to try and contact someone for help.

Stumbling around for a while eventually leads him to a little dent in a rock face. Not deep enough to be a cave where daemons might be lurking, but allowing him to nestle into it enough to not be immediately spotted by anything that passes by.

Dismissing the polearm into the Armiger, he takes his phone out instead.

“Call…” he trails off, thinking. Prompto and Gladio are both about equally far away, one in Lestallum, the other in Hammerhead, but they might be able to send someone to find him. Gladio might be out hunting, but Prompto should have returned from a mission just a day or two ago, he’d probably still be in Hammerhead.

“Call Prompto Argentum,” he decides, but to his utter horror, his phone doesn’t respond to the command at all.

“Call Prompto Argentum,” he says again, and then he tries Gladio for good measure, but his phone is dead silent. Drained battery, maybe, or perhaps it broke during the fight, but either way, it means he has no way to contact anyone.

The panic he’s shoved down earlier returns, and it’s decidedly harder to ignore this time. This… complicates things. His earlier decision still stands - he can’t stumble blindly in one direction and hope to find the road on his own, and even if he did, he’d still be stranded miles away from the nearest safe outpost. There is a haven nearby, he knows, but those tend to be either deep in the woods or on open fields and he’s sure to get himself killed way before he even gets close to it.

His only real option is to sit and wait and hope those good-for-nothing hunters at least have the decency to send someone after him.

Ignis leans his aching head back against the cool stone and closes his eyes. His body feels beaten and bruised and his wrist is throbbing fiercely - there’s no ignoring the fact that it’s broken now. Fear is steadily thrumming through him and as time passes, it gets harder and harder to keep himself together and not start panicking.

His concussion seems to be worse than initially suspected because he eventually starts drifting in and out of consciousness, and the fear has a tight grip on his heart now, squeezing tighter and tighter until he feels barely able to breathe.

He… he doesn’t want to die here, doesn’t want to die alone in the middle of nowhere. The last time he spoke to Prompto was a week ago, and he hasn’t heard Gladio’s voice in nearly a month. Noct… gods, Ignis wants to be here when Noct comes back, at his side when he reclaims the throne as he has always been.

Salty tears sting the cuts on his face and he sobs, no longer able to keep himself together.

----

Ignis can’t tell how long it’s been when he hears footsteps and startles to attention, summoning one dagger to his good hand out of pure reflex.

The footsteps sound human, but that doesn’t have to equal safety, so he presses himself closer to the rock and waits in tense silence.

“Hey!” a voice calls. It’s not Prompto or Gladio, but it’s familiar, even though it takes Ignis a moment to assign a name to it.

“Hey, oh, thank the gods, there you are!” The footsteps come to a halt in front of Ignis’ hiding place, and the name snaps into place a second later.

“Dave?”

“Yeah, it’s me, think you can stand? C’mon, let’s get out of here.”

Dave helps him stand, steadying him when getting upright comes with a wave of dizziness that nearly sends him crashing back to the ground.

“How did you find me?” Ignis croaks, only now realising how dry his throat is. Perhaps he’s been out here longer than he thought.

Dave snorts but there’s no mirth behind it. “Them hunters came back without you, I knew something ain’t right. Didn’t wanna talk at first but then I got it out of them that they just up and left you here. Couldn’t stand for it of course, so I pressed them for details and gathered a search party.”

Dave stops them both and lets go of Ignis to unlock his truck, then helps him climb into the passenger seat. There are other people sitting in the back, the aforementioned search party, but Ignis is too tired to try and make out any familiar voices.

“I appreciate it,” Ignis says, leaning his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes. He's just so tired, he's vaguely aware that he's trembling and he tastes something wet and salty on his lips.

“’Course, we owe you and yours a lot.” Dave waves him off, and then, in a softer tone, “Hey, you want me to call one of your boys?”

Gods, yes.

“Please,” he manages, hoping it doesn’t come out as desperate as it feels. “My phone isn’t working.”

“Sure,” Dave drawls. “You just rest ‘n don’t worry about a thing.”

----

Later, he barely remembers the ride, let alone how Dave hauled him to a bed and let him rest, but when he wakes the next time, his wounds are dressed, his broken wrist is splinted and the fingers on his good hands are entangled with someone else’s.

“Iggy?” Prompto asks when Ignis stirs, sleepy and disoriented but unmistakably Prompto. “Iggy, you’re awake, how do you feel?”

Embarrassingly, for the third time in an entirely too short time, Ignis burst into tears, but this time, Prompto wraps him up in a gentle embrace and makes reassuring noises at him, and Ignis finally feels safe.

----

Read all of my Whumptober prompt fills here.

#whumptober2023 #no.10 #stranded #broken phone #ffxv #final fantasy xv #fic #thisfairytalegonebad's writing #ignis scientia #day 10 babey

[buddiefix]

Supernatural (Ghost/Other) Fic's

The following are some of my favourite buddie fanfiction that involve supernatural elements like ghosts, psychics, or unspecified magic.

(Any new fic's I find that fall under this category will be added to this post, so feel free to check back for edits!)

like when the sun came out by spaceprincessem

9-1-1 (TV)  

He completely pulls the charger from the wall as he fumbles to put in his passcode. He doesn’t know who to call first. Everyone is busy, carrying on with their lives and Buck is stuck here in the loft with the terrifying ghost of his childhood like an omen. Out of the corner of his eye he catches the Crooked Smiled Man now standing in the dark entrance way to his bathroom. He swallows around the taste of blood in his mouth, hands shaking, useless as his list of contacts blur beneath the burn of tears.

Eddie Eddie Eddie

He doesn’t know where the feeling comes from, but it’s sudden and sharp and excruciating. Eddie is the first name at the top of his list, his most recent calls and texts, and he doesn’t hesitate to hit the call button.

[or buck can see ghosts au]

Language: English Words: 39,716 Chapters: 1/1

The Ghosts That You Haunt by JessicaMDawn

9-1-1 (TV)  

The first time Evan Buckley died, he was ten.

"Apparently that won me a ticket to ghost town, because I've been seeing them ever since."

Buck can see the recently dead. It's not as glamorous as people might think.

Language: English Words: 11,113 Chapters: 1/1

Regularly Scheduled Pickup by thea_zara for FaerlyGraceful

9-1-1 (TV)  

Eddie does rideshares to make ends meet before starting at the fire academy. He keeps getting this one glitching fare.

Language: English Words: 9,379 Chapters: 1/1

and what if in your sleep, you dreamed by renecdote for Nearly 

9-1-1 (TV)  

The thing is, Buck had been doing well with his dreams. Nine out of ten nights, he wasn’t bringing back anything that he didn’t want to. But: head injury, mostly. The trauma of it all, probably.

That night, Buck goes to sleep in Eddie’s bed and wakes up holding his car keys.

It’s—it could be worse. After the tsunami, he kept waking up with his sheets full of sand, soaked through and shivering. After Eddie was shot, he’d wake up with blood in his mouth, choking on the taste of it. When Maddie was gone, hiding herself away in Boston, and he missed her so much it ached, Buck had to fight against his mind not to bring her back from his dreams. That would have been hard to explain: waking up in bed with Taylor on one side and a carbon copy of his missing sister on the other. Car keys, at least, can be hidden.

Except it’s not just the car keys.

Buck was born with the ability to take things out of his dreams. It's not as much fun as you'd think.

For BTHB: wound that would not heal

Language: English Words: 16,945 Chapters: 1/1

Share the Joy by TalkNerdyToMe6 for Paxdracona

9-1-1 (TV) 

After the lightning strike, Buck discovers he has more than just the ability to do long division in his head. Every time he touches Eddie, everything the other man is feeling moves through him like a wave of emotion, there and gone again. Buck can’t decide if that’s a blessing or a curse.

Language: English Words: 14,211 Chapters: 1/1

With Great Power Comes Great Pining by Princessfbi

9-1-1 (TV)  

It was the lightning strike. That had to be it. It was the only logical conclusion. Though, when it comes to being able to suddenly read people’s minds, Buck supposed there wasn’t a whole lot of logic involved.

Well… Not people. Just... One person’s mind.

Just… Eddie’s mind. 

Language: English Words: 10,485 Chapters: 1/1

Death is the Road by JessicaMDawn

9-1-1 (TV)  

Growing up, Buck got hurt a lot. It wasn't intentional, but It got his absent parents to pay him attention. But then he got hurt, bad. But he got back up. And while traveling on his own he got hurt, bad. But he got back up. Until he realized it wasn't luck. It wasn't a fluke.

He couldn't die.

What was he supposed to do with that?

Language: English Words: 12,648 Chapters: 2/2

(Friendly reminder I do not own any of the works listed in this post, and all can be located on archiveofoureown.org)

#9-1-1 fic #9-1-1 fandom #9-1-1 #9-1-1 buddie #9-1-1 fanfiction #ghost #magic #supernatural #psychic #eddie diaz #evan buck buckley #evan buckley

[a-dragons-journal]

Few clarifying details: I was calm, just confused, I only knew this friend for a week so I didn't have time to be abusive/shoot them down regularly, and they continually insisted they have cat DNA and when I asked what that meant or what evidence they had, they just kept repeating, "I am a catgirl with cat DNA. I'm not human. You can't call me human." leading to me awkwardly standing there going, "your body looks human, though?" because as far as I can tell, they're a human in this life, just with cat ears and a tails. They got angry, insisting, "I have cat DNA. I'm not human!" and said it's not roleplay, it's not being furry, they don't just mean in a past life, they have, in this life, cat DNA, of the quantity where they no longer qualify as human. Calling them human is not just an insult, it's as bad as calling a trans person the wrong gender, and asking for proof is as gross as asking a trans person for proof of their gender identity. "You're human," I said, because I'm an idiot who speaks without thinking, "and I'm trans, so no, you can't compare the two. Gender can change and be fluid, species can't." To which they replied, "I have a cat tail and cat ears!", referencing their cat ear headband and clip-on tail The conversation then turned more and more into them yelling at me in the college library for my intolerance and closed mind as I sank lower into my chair and wished they'd lower their volume a bit. When they broke out the "I want to die. People like you make me want to die." lines, I suggested they talk to the counselors on campus (since the library is just across the road from the counseling center it'd be less than a minute's walk) and they hissed at me, made hand-claws in the air, and stormed off.

I don't know this person well but I was really excited to have someone under the alterhuman umbrella I could talk to and maybe hang out with. Instead we met in the library one day, had five Discord conversations inbetween, then met there again and they dropped the "cat DNA" "not physically human" stuff on me and I guess I just kind of blanked on how to respond because... well, past lives are one thing, psychological identity is another thing, and identifying as something for other reasons is also valid, but you can't have cat DNA. you can't. That's just not a thing and when a casual hangout suddenly turned into someone declaring they physically weren't human all I could say is, "You're human." because all I could think was, you're human in this life/this body no matter what, that's just how it is. (Well, I was also thinking, please don't compare having cat DNA/not being physically human to being trans, that's really gross.)

So. There, there's all the context. Am I in the wrong here?

Wow. Yeah, that's. A situation alright.

I'm gonna go ahead and say no, that's a pretty wildly aggressive response in that case. There is a non-zero chance that there's a delusion happening, in which case I kind of understand the response, but it's still not... mrgh. All right.

So on the "calling me human is like calling a trans person the wrong gender" thing, I actually do kind of support them on that one (although in this... specific context of straight-up claiming to have nonhuman DNA, maybe concerning). As much as I know there's a knee-jerk response to not like comparing being transgender and being otherkin, there's... not actually that much difference. We consider insisting that someone is the wrong gender unacceptable primarily because a) it's either insisting that we know their experiences better than they do and/or insisting their biology is more important than their internal identity and experiences, and secondarily because b) it's likely to trigger dysphoria, which can have extremely bad results (starting with "intentionally distressing people is just fucking rude"). It is not unreasonable to me to consider insisting that someone is a species they 100% do not identify as unacceptable, because it is also a) insisting that we know their experiences better than they do and/or that their biology is more important than their internal identity and experiences, and b) likely to trigger dysphoria. Likewise, I don't necessarily agree with you that "gender can change and be fluid, species [identity] can't" - people definitely report having that experience, and if you truly believe that, then otherkin shouldn't exist in the first place.

That being said, you are correct that literally having nonhuman DNA is not possible; there's a number of reasons this person might believe that it is, and I'm going to pass on speculating because it feels rude and it won't really be helpful. There is a chance it's a delusions thing, there is a chance it's not; either way, I don't think the way you handled the situation was unreasonable all things considered (there may have been a better way to handle it, but I wouldn't call this an unreasonable one). I can understand why they didn't like the insistence, with the above, but at the same time they probably should have walked away sooner instead of jumping to what they did.

I don't know, hopefully that's helpful? I'm out of thoughts I think, that's a weird situation to get thrown into and I can understand why they reacted the way they did; I don't think anyone was necessarily in the wrong here. Idk that's what I've got

#asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks

[art-of-eons]

TW: suicide and self harm

Occasionally when I visit my parents they'll ask me about my exes and how they're doing since I'm still good friends with almost all of them. There's one exception, who my dad refers to as that "girl i hate". Last time I visited they asked me how she was doing and I said something along the lines of, "well unfortunately, I dont think she's dead yet".

I think maybe at one point I actually kinda liked her, but throughout most of our "relationship" I loathed her. When I started dating her I was still hung up on my previous ex + clearly not as in to her as she was in to me. Because of this (and because of various other insecurities she had), she decided to make my life as miserable as possible. Every day I was told at least a dozen times that I was a horrible person. Not only by her, but from people I didn't even know.

I met her when I transferred to a small college. She was one of the first people I got to know there and we started dating very quickly after meeting. The school was small enough that everyone knew everyone + she was very, very keen on sharing with everyone how awful I was. Within maybe a month or two of me transferring there, I was having people I never even met before tell me that I was an awful boyfriend, and that I didn't deserve to be dating someone like her, etc.

As a result of all this, I started to withdraw. I binge drank everyday (usually beginning in the morning as soon as I woke up), and began cutting myself regularly. At the same time, I became more reliant on my girlfriend. Because of the stigmatism and judgement I was receiving from her friends / my peers, I felt like I had no one else to go to.

Then one night, i visited her dorm room to watch a movie on her laptop. When I opened it up, the screen showed a Facebook convo between her and one of our mutual "friends". They were discussing how they wish they never met me + how I was miserable person who made everyone around me feel worse.

I remember closing the laptop and feeling like everything was over. I went back to my dorm and started ripping it apart to find something to hang myself with. I knew I wanted something sturdy though - I wanted to drop and snap my neck, rather than slowly die from asphyxiation- and nothing i could find seemed satisfactory. So I got in my car to drive to a hardware store or something.

Luckily for me, my college was at least a half an hour from basically any store at all. It was also pouring rain that night, I was absolutely wasted, and sobbing relentlessly. I was maybe able to make it half way there before I pulled over because I couldn't see the road or anything I was doing. I reclined my seat back and ended up falling asleep for several hours. When I woke up, I realized it was past midnight and that every place had long closed. So I drove home for the night.

The next day I confessed this all to my girlfriend. After I finished recounting all this, we sat in silence for several minutes until I changed the conversation. Things grew pretty light hearted until I ended up saying something that upset her. I honestly can't recall at all what I said, but I remember her letting out a big exasperated sigh snd telling me our relationship isn't fair, because she feels like she's always walking on eggshells + how she can't criticize me because I have "issues".

Up until this point I always accepted and internalized everything she said to me - her rants about how I was a shitty person, self centered, not deserving of love, etc. But this time I laid into her. "20 minutes ago I told you I was gonna kill myself and this is your fucking response?" Etc, etc. I ended up storming off while she sat there stammering.

Shortly after that I ended up dropping out... Months later, she messaged me saying that the issues in our relationship weren't as one sided as she thought, and that she was sorry for trying to make me feel bad at times. (This apology was conditioned though by her pointing out that I made her feel bad first by not liking her enough, and also that her friends still think that I'm the asshole regardless of her newfound epiphany).

Anyways, she works as a therapist now lmfao.

#not art #typed on my phone #sorry this is way oversharing #tw suicide #tw self harm #probably delete tomorrow

[journeytoasoberlife]

Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.

#sober journey #sober thoughts #personal

[walks-the-ages]

I think it would be really really good and agnsty to have Jack Harkness x Sam Beckett as a super tragic QPR romance over eons of time.

Sam's a sex-repulsed, romantic ace and Jack is Queer As Fuck and is just as into romance as he is sex so he's perfectly fine with that, (all his jokes aside, the perfect Jack Harkness would be someone who is super sex positive and that means respecting everyone and their wishes so he'd never hit on anyone who he was making uncomfortable and would be just as happy in a sexless relationship as he would be in a casual physical one)

so please just imagine for me Jack Harkness and Sam Beckett as two fleeting ships always passing in the night for eternity because Jack is truly immortal and Sam is and always will be Leaping forever into the past and the future.

Once he loses Al, Jack is the only person who will ever truly know Sam Beckett for who he is under the million faces he wears.

Like. Jack could just be walking down the road and a stranger would just stop him and stare into his eyes and Jack would just immediately catch the barest telepathic pattern, see an impossible flash of green behind blue/brown/hazel eyes and just immediately know it's Sam again, here and now and needing help, either just a friendly face or help with a Leap.

Sometimes Jack will be up all night on the phone with a stranger across the world who opened the call with "Hey Jack, it's Sam." , Just talking, catching up, talking about their lives and everything that has changed , until Sam finally has to hang up and Jack puts down the phone, only to immediately get yet another call from another Sam in another place who has had years and lives pass between who he was during the other call that ended five seconds previously.

Jack's come across Sam not only on earth, but out there, amongst the stars, in the distant past and the far flung future. They never know when they will find each other next but they cherish the time they have together as kindred spirits.

Sometimes Sam calls Jack's number but it's too soon for Jack to be there so a strange man picks up the phone and demands to know where he got the number-- Sam always hangs up very quick when that happens. It's so hard to keep track of dates...

and sometimes Sam calls Jack's number only to hear that the number is disconnected, and read a news article about the 2011 bombing of Cardiff.

Sometimes Sam Leaps in to find that he's in the body of someone who is in bed with Jack and one word is all it takes to get everything to stop, immediately, with no hesitation.

(Jack Harkness is the epitome of enthusiastic consent and would stop for literally anyone at any time but especially for Sam who's had a lot of bad experiences leaping in at bad times or being forced into such situations, and they came up with a code word after the first time it happened. Jack has slept with a lot of people over the millennia.)

Jack would immediately disengage, throw a blanket over both of them, and point Sam in the direction of the bathroom to take a hot shower, get dressed, and go out for food or order delivery if Sam doesn't want to be around other people depending on what he experienced in the previous Leap and what his emotional/mental state is.

Occasionally Jack will be in the middle of a mission with his team when one of them will frantically tap him on the shoulder and sign out "Jack it's Sam what is happening" in ASL if others are around to hear and then Jack has to walk Sam through what the mission is, and wonder what happened in the original timeline that Sam was here to fix --

the possibilities haunt him regularly.

If Sam hadn't't been there on that mission, would the earth have been destroyed? Would his team mate have died? Would all of them have died, leaving Jack as the sole survivor once again?

Seeing a teammate get hurt or die was bad enough. It was even worse through when Sam was the one staring back at him from their eyes, knowing this was just one more horrible hurt piled on this man's shoulders on top of a million more already there and a million more to come.

They both have a lot of nightmares, and they're both one of the few people who can understand the fear and hurt that comes with their particular brands of death experiences, knowing the other understands their pain means they can both let down their guard instead of putting on a brave front all the time for the sake of others or for the sake of a mission or a Leap.

So yeah anyways QPR Captain Jack Harkness & Doctor Sam Beckett.

#quantum leap #2am ramble #i jusr fhink itd be great. eternal best friends who are also probably married Multiple times #just omagine Jack from yhe captive jack harness episode then youll get it #ghe tragedy and hope and the shared experiences and kmowing you only habe this brief moment #Torchwood #Sam Beckett #Jack Harkness #Captain Jack Harkness #Ql #Quantum Leap x Torchwood #doctor who

[almyranpine]

19, 32, and 40 😉

19. sleeping position?

one knee up, with my head on one pillow and cuddling another. i’ve heard it’s bad for me but it’s comfy <3

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead, we all die you either kill yourself or get killed, look at all those chickens, jared 19, and a KNIFE are all vines i still quote semi regularly, or at least in my head

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

idk about weirdest bc i went to a public school so like. someone blew up the microwave and revoked our microwave privileges for a year. i walked into the locker room to see people setting their friends hair on fire. etc. honestly i think the weirdest things i saw were some peoples choices in lunch foods. i once witnessed someone bring a 2L bottle of milk and an entire hot roast chicken to school for lunch. one of my friends brought a raw red capsicum (bell pepper) every day and ate it like an apple

#asks #thank you!

[texasmadehustler]

What do you like to do in your free time?

What or who would you sacrifice your life for?

What single event has had the biggest impact on who you are?

Do you think the future will be better than the present? Why?

Do you think human morality is learned or innate?

What’s the most crucial thing for a healthy relationship?

What lies do you most often tell yourself?

Do you think the present is better than 50 years ago? Why?

What keeps you up at night?

What’s the most extreme example of poverty you have seen?

What do a lot of parents do that screws up their kid?

Do you think that war is inevitable or can it be ended completely?

What is the most important thing a person can do to improve themselves?

What much is a human life worth and are some lives worth more than others?

Will humans spread out among the stars or just be a brief blip in Earth’s history?

What makes a person truly evil? Are they born that way or did their environment make them that way?

Do you think that humans as a species have gotten better through the generations or worse? Why?

What are some examples of small changes that can be made that really improve the lives of a country’s citizens?

Why have apocalyptic games, movies, shows, and books become so popular in the past few years? What does it say about our culture or society?

Is there any way for governments to avoid power corrupting its politicians? If so, how? If not, what part of human nature makes corruption unavoidable?

If science makes it possible to predict which people will be more likely to commit crimes, should the highest risk individuals be jailed or killed before they can commit crimes?

Why are there so many people who are lonely? Why is it so hard for people to make real connections when almost everyone wants to make real connections?

What are the most common road blocks that stop people from achieving their dreams?

Why are people so bad at judging risks? For example: people are terrified of murders, terrorists, and flying but they are much more likely to die driving to the store.

What are some examples of outside behaviors that are symptoms of inner emotional scars?

Why does society place such a high value on beauty when it serves no functional purpose?

What is the strangest habit you have?

What movie made you cry the most?

What is the most embarrassing thing you own?

What do you hope you grow out of?

What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do regularly?

How much do you judge a person by their appearance?

What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood?

What was the worst date that you’ve been on?

What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child?

What belief do you have that most people disagree with?

What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone?

Who or what inspires you to be a better person?

What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship?

If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.)

What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time?

What are some things you would like to achieve before you die?

Where would you like to retire?

What brings you the most joy in life?

What is the best and worst part of your personality?

When looking for a SO, what three things are most important (besides looks)?

What is the most frightening thing you have ever done?

Are you more of an indoors or outdoors person?

Who is the most fascinating person you’ve met?

What was the last book you really got into?

What are some movies you really enjoyed?

What amazing adventures have you been on?

What pets have you had?

What’s your favorite alcoholic and non-alcoholic drink?

What are you kind of obsessed with these days?

Where have you traveled?

What’s your favorite international food?

Are you a morning person or a night owl?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

How many siblings do you have?

What would be your dream job?

What would you do if had enough money to not need a job?

Who is your favorite author?

What was the last show you binge-watched?

What TV series do you keep coming back to and re-watching?

What hobbies would you like to get into if you had the time and money?

If there was an Olympics for everyday activities, what activity would you have a good chance at winning a medal in?

What would your perfect vacation look like?

Among your friends, what are you best known for?

What music artist do you never get tired of?

What are some accomplishments that you are really proud of?

What are some obscure things that you are or were really into?

What are some things everyone should try at least once?

What fad did you never really understand?

What’s the best thing that has happened to you this month?

What would your perfect morning be like?

Is there any art or artist you are really into?

What are you always game for?

What do you do to unwind?

What’s your favorite app on your phone?

Cutest animal? Ugliest animal?

Who is the kindest person you know?

What’s your favorite piece of furniture you’ve ever owned?

Who are your kind of people?

Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever been?

What’s the silliest fear you have?

What would be the best city to live in?

What household chore is just the worst?

If you could give yourself a nickname, what nickname would you want people to call you?

What odd talent do you have?

If you could give everyone just one piece of advice, what would it be?

What would you like to know more about, but haven’t had the time to look into it?

What country do you never want to visit?

What wrong assumptions do people make about you?

Do you prefer to work in a team or alone?

What has been the best period of your life so far?

How have you changed from when you were in high school?

How techie are you?

Where is the most fun place around where you live?

Have you ever joined any meetup groups?

Where would your friends or family be most surprised to find you?

What’s the most relaxing situation you could imagine?

What is the most beautiful view you’ve seen?

What’s expensive but totally worth it?

When do you feel most out of place?

What’s the most recent thing you’ve done for the first time?

How did you come to love your one of your favorite musicians?

How did you meet your best friend?

What small seemingly insignificant decision had a massive impact on your life?

Where would you move if you could move anywhere in the world and still find a job and maintain a reasonable standard of living?

Would you like to be famous? (If yes, what would you want to be famous for? If no, why not?)

What did you do last summer?

If you lived to 100, would you rather keep the body or the mind of yourself at 30 until you were 100?

Before you make a call, do you rehearse what you are going to say?

What are you most grateful for?

What’s the most essential part of a friendship?

When was the last time you sang to yourself or to someone else?

If you knew you were going to die in a year, what would you change about how you live?

When was the last time you walked for more than an hour?

What did you do for (last holiday)? Or What will you do for (next closest holiday)?

Best and worst flavor ice cream? What would make for an excellent new ice cream flavor?

Who’s your favorite actor or actress?

All modesty aside, what are you better at than 90% of people? It doesn’t have to be useful or serious, it can be something ridiculous.

What’s the strangest phone conversation you’ve ever had?

How much personal space do you need to be comfortable?

What’s the most interesting fact you know?

What fad or trend have you never been able to understand?

Who’s your favorite character from a TV show, movie, or book?

What TV shows did you watch when you were a kid?

What do you like but are kind of embarrassed to admit?

What’s your favorite smell?

What skill or ability have you always wanted to learn?

What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a kid?

What’s the most amount of people you had to present something in front of?

If you could go back in time as an observer, no one could see you, and you couldn’t interact with anything, when would you want to go back to?

What’s something that most people haven’t done, but you have?

What says the most about a person?

What machine or appliance in your house aggravates you the most?

What places have you visited that exceeded your expectations?

If you opened a business, what type of business would you start?

What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

What’s the best road trip you’ve been on?

If you found a briefcase filled with 1 million in 100$ bills in front of your door, what would you do with it?

What’s the worst advice someone has given you?

Besides your home and your work, where do you spend most of your time?

If you could have the answer to any one question, what question would you want the answer to?

What are your top 3 favorite things to talk about?

What do you care least about?

Where would you like to retire?

Who is the most bizarre person you’ve met?

What are people often surprised to learn about you?

Would you rather live full time in an RV or full time on a sailboat?

What would you do with the extra time if you never had to sleep?

When you were a kid, what seemed like the best thing about being a grown up?

What’s the strangest way you’ve become friends with someone?

What’s your go-to series or movie when you want to watch something but can’t find anything to watch?

What were some of the turning points in your life?

What companies made you so mad that you would rather suffer bodily harm than give them any more of your money?

What small things brighten up your day when they happen?

What sports would be funniest if the athletes had to be drunk while playing?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve done because you were bored?

If you could send one letter to yourself in the past without the goal of making yourself rich (no lotto numbers, stock picks, etc.), what age would you choose and what would the letter say?

How many other countries have you visited?

What’s your favorite band NAME (not necessarily your favorite band)?

What do you miss about life 10 or 20 years ago?

What’s your favorite holiday?

What’s getting worse and worse as you get older? What’s getting better and better as you get older?

Where’s the best place in (your town or city) to have a picnic?

What’s your favorite thing to do outdoors? How about indoors?

How often do you dance? Silly/ironic dancing counts.

What do you never get tired of?

What habit do you wish you could start?

What’s the best way to get to know who someone really is?

What’s the last new thing you tried?

Who besides your parents taught you the most about life?

When are you the most “you” that you can be? In other words, when do you feel most like yourself?

What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done?

What’s happening now, that in 20 years people will look back on and laugh about?

How much social interaction is too much?

How different do you act when you are with acquaintances vs. people you are comfortable with?

On a weekend or holiday, what’s the best time of day and the best time of night?

What are you looking forward to that’s happening soon?

What really cheesy song do you love?

What’s the worst or best job you’ve had?

What’s been the most significant plot twist in your own life?

Where did you take family vacations to when you were younger?

What’s your go-to funny story?

If the company you work for / the college you go to had an honest slogan, what would it be?

If you could instantly receive a Ph.D. in any discipline including all the knowledge and experience that goes along with it, what would your Ph.D. be in?

How well do you cope when you don’t have your phone with you for an extended period of time?

What were some of the happiest times of your life so far?

Would you rather have an incredibly fast car or incredibly fast internet speed?

What are the top three social situations you try to avoid most?

What friendship you’ve had has impacted you the most?

What’s something you’re interested in that most people wouldn’t expect?

What’s your favorite quote or saying?

If you had the power to change one law, what law would you change?

What’s the hardest you’ve worked for something?

What took you way too long to figure out?

What nicknames have you had throughout your life?

What do you do differently than most people?

Where’s the last place you’d ever go?

What fact floored you when you heard it?

If you unexpectedly won 10,000$, what would you spend it on?

Who is the best role model a person could have?