#and nobody tells me like anything and i dont know what to expect Ever

[talkorsomething]

Yet another phone screening tomorrow... well, it's a seasonal position, so i wonder if i might actually get past it this time? But i'm realizing i don't really know what that means....

Not sure how i'll respond if they ask about employment again. It's a weird situation and i don't even know what my position is supposed to be, so now i'm at a disadvantage when applying online?!

Not sure what I'll do if they tell me i've got it, either. That seems unlikely? But maybe it could happen......

If nothing goes through i definitely have to call somewhere else to see if they're actually hiring 🫠 but actually calling..........

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #its so frustrating to me b/c i'm only at this point because i *pushed* myself to get here #but i cant actually ask for help for literally like No Reason #and nobody tells me like anything and i dont know what to expect Ever #need to probably give up and head out to ask in-person but a) talking b) wtf to say and c) no idea how much gas is in the car #(OR how to put gas in car or see how much money i have to work with or ANYTHING) #ive just been pissed recently its probably due to [redacted] but even so everything still stands #HOW i am supposed to do something i was shown Once when i was maybe 14 and with no money i dont know but by god they expect me to do it #everything sucks and i want to chew my arm off yes im fine thanks for asking <3

[lw6-woso]

Struggles (Barca Femeni x reader)

(gif is not mine)

Y/N L/N.

everyone knows your name.

the unstoppable 18 year old striker for both barcelona and England who was able to make young girls believe they can achieve anything at a young age. from winning the euros in 2022 including winning the young player of the tournament and the golden boot with scoring in every game you played in with England. and even more unbelievable when playing for Barcelona.

everyone knew and loved you it was hard not to, however you was a very private individual nobody anything about you really not even your team mates new much about her even though you have been playing along side them since the age of 16.

you had your little perks about yourself that make people think with how you played, your reactions to certain things and finally your habits of getting destracted when doing media fidgeting with your hair or fingers. they easily picked up on if people really anaysed your behaviour and the more that they looked and observe it all came together like a little puzzle piece,

you struggled massively deep down and the barca girls finally figured it out.

it was a normal day for the barca squad with it being a match day the only thing was that they were laying Real Madrid the teams rival everyone knew that whether you are in the academy, womens or men's team real madris were the biggest rivals. the team had made it to camp nou and they were sat in the changing rooms dancing and singing to music except one person you.

she was sat in her cub that was next to Alexias looking at the floor zoned out completely, the only people who noticed was Jenni and Alexia. they looked at each other from across the room confused, you never acted this way except when you had become ill with the flu but that had happened once you never get sick like EVER.

Alexia took it upon her self to drag you by the hand out of the changing room and into a deserted physio room that hadn't been used in year and was now a storage room. she moved you so you were sat on a seat and she asked

"hey are you okay you dont seem yourself"

"yeah i mean i havent been sleeping much must be coming down with something" i said quietly, after you had said that Jenni had walked in slamming the door louder than she had expected to making you jump out of your skin.

"hey chica"she said sitting next to me.

"im fine you guys dont have to worry" i said.

"no we are not doing this not today so your going to tell us what is wrong or ill bench you" Alexia said sternly.

Ale and jenni where your team mums ever since you arrive in barca they took you under they wings and protected you like there own, so they new everything and that included your little secret that you were hiding from the world, the fact that you had ADHD and had a long history of battling depression.

this came with a lot of issues with not just your career and education but everything in your life especially when it gets bad, and today you had a bad day, everyone has bad days and today was a bad day.

"im having a bad day i forgot that i had ran out of my ADHD medication and i have renewed it yet and my mind wont stop i just want to sleep" you said tears coming to your eyes clearing overwhelmed.

"hey hey its okay im going to go talk to jonaton okay see do youv feel up to playing today" jenni said.

"yes and no i dont know" you said confused and annoyed and jenni nodded and left to go see jonaton.

"come on lets get changed get some water and get warmed up see how you feel you might be a super sub today" Ale said hugging you.

"Ale," you asked.

"yeah" she asked.

"i want to tell everyone" you said.

"what the girls" she asked.

"yeah and the rest of the world i think it'll be good you know to tell my story my battle," you said.

"you never fail to amaze me you know that i think it's a great idea," she said and we walked into the changing rooms.

In that game it was decided for you not to play for your own well-being and you understood, you watched from the sideline watching your idles and your family thrash Real Madrid beating them 6-0.

everyone was on a high celebrating and you decided to do it then and there.

"guys," you said and the girls instantly stopped to listen.

"I thought you all deserved to know this I wanted to share that well I don't know how to say this but I have ADHD and I have suffered from depression it likes to creep back up in my life a lot and I want your help to raise awareness and help tell stories about mental health within the game I want to tell my story," they said and they all gave me small smiles, not smiles of sympathy but smiles of proudness and inspiration.

they all clapped and hugged me having a large group hug. and this is only the start of the long way to sharing everyone's stories within the wonderful game of football and the dark side that comes with it.

*3 months later*

i was sitting in a studio on my own cameras recording ready to tell me story one story out of the many stories that were going to be said, i had reached out to many big names in the footballing community and they were happy and ready to tell their story and help.

"Hi, I am Y/N and this is my story," you said.

"hi I am Alexia Putellas and this is my story"

"hi I am Leah Williamson and this is my story"

"hi im Viviane Miedema and this is my story"

"hi im Alex morgan and this is my story"

"hi my name is Ellen White and this is my story"

"hello im mason mount and this is my story"

"I'm Ian Wright and this is my story"

"everyone in the entire world has a voice no matter who you are or how you are struggling never be afraid to reach out you are not alone you will never be alone reach out, help others, and get help for yourself. your story matters just like all of ours we are no different from you everyone struggles some different from others you all have your story and that story and how you overcame your dark times could save someone else," you said.

the camera turned off and the screen turned black.

A/N-this was my first fic so please feedback would be appreciated the good and the bad :)

#woso community #alexia putellas #alexia putellas x reader #woso imagine #barca femeni #mapi león #barca femini #leah williamson #jenni hermoso #woso fanfics #engwnt #espwnt #vivianne miedema #ingrid engen #women football #awfc

[zwolfgames]

Hii! If it's not too much trouble to ask, can you make a Yandere DIO x Child Reader who escaped and is now with the Crusaders? (Reader would have a strong Stand) 🙃

(So idk wether this was meant as like biologically DIO's kid or not but I just went with unrelated because i dont know how many hoes DIO had back in Stardust Crusaders. Also, how does one think up a stand, lol.)

Requested: Annon

Warnings: Slightly OOC DIO, silly kidnapping, bizarre

(3rd person POV)

Life had been turned upside down for you lately. As a poor ten year old alone on the streets of Cairo, you had expected this year to be the same as last year.

Just surviving and having your Stand help steal food.

Thus is the life of a street rat. Kicked out by their abusive father...

But just a month ago, when you were once again getting your Stand to filch some fruit from a night market, you got spotted.

A tall, impending figure had stopped in the alleyway to look down at you.

His piercing golden eyes made you freeze once you were in his field of vision. Did the air just get colder or was that you?

"Tell me of your stand, Child."

The man had spoken, all those nights ago. Truthfully, you hadn't know what a Stand was back then. So he pointed to yours. All you really knew of it was that nobody else could see it... So why was he looking straight at it?

With such intrest too.

Before you could actually talk to the man, he had leaned down and poked something into your head, thats the last thing you could remember.

"So yea, thats all I remember..." You spoke to this strange band of people.

That disintrested looking fellow had been the one to rip whatever that weirdo so long ago put into your head... A 'Flesh Bud'. A means of controlling people, or so you've heard from that french guy and his green clad fellow as they were complaining about the time they had yours.

So they had been attacked by the blonde guy too?

Intresting.

"You have a hell of a Stand kid." The oldest guy pats your shoulder, he looks pretty buff for an old guy. Who are these people.

"My stand? Ah- you mean Arnold?" You made your stand appear. You faintly remember it just... appearing one day when you were being chased by street dogs... It kinda saved your hide. Named after Arnold Schwarzenegger, as you had heard that name on a tv in a store once. Very creative, obviously.

"Yes... Arnold. Does it perhaps do special things. Like superpowers?" The old man asks. Trying not to look back at how one of his friends is being patched up from all his cuts.

"Why should I tell you my secrets?" You cross your arms defiantly.

"Because we saved you, don't you want to defeat who-ever did this to you? Huh, kid?" The old man nudges you with his shoulder.

"Not really. Who are you guys anyways, you don't look like locals at all." You take a step away from the man.

"I'm Joseph Joestar, thats my grandson Jotaro and his friend Kakyoin... Thats Polnareff, and the one you almost blasted to bits is Avdol." Josephs eye twitches as he look back at his hurt friend.

"I didn't do anything." You retort quickly.

"You did, because of this flesh bud. A vampire named Dio was controlling you-" Joseph starts.

"I'm not controllable." You stick your tongue out.

"Oh yea, so then you almost killed Avdol by yourself?" Joseph replies with the same childish tone.

"That was my twin brother, you've got the wrong person." You smirk like the annoying brat you truly are.

The argument gets more heated as Joseph refuses to listen to the sass of a dirt covered child.

Meanchile, in a dark dark room in a castle far away- No, a mansion just a couple of streets away, a certain blonde seethes.

Another one lost. Those damned crusaders... Joestars.

They had taken away many of his subjects.... His pawns.. But this was by far the worst.

A child, a powerfull child. He had plans for you. Shattered, all in a single fight.

Dio clenches his fist and a piece of the parchment he's pretending to read rips.

He wasn't attached... Not at all. You were just strong. And.. Too similar to him. A scumbag of a dad, he had looked into your mind that night you two locked eyes. And he had seen... Things that reminded himself too much of himself. The only diffrence between you two was that you weren't just born evil. A bummer, really. He's always wanted to see a maniacal kid.

But... Oh dallit, who's he kidding, he did get attached. And really he doesn't understand why. You were a dirty, foolish child...

But you had potential...

Dio had always planned to be the lonesome ruler of his ideal world... But you were.. ideal enough. Yes.

You could like... stand next to him and chirp about whatever useless tought you had this time.

Something to quench the silence he's grown to hate after years of being confined to a coffin under the sea.

It's a miracle that you hadn't gotten on his nerves, really. He usually hated all kids. But well, maybe it's that mischievious glint in your eyes. Makes him think too much of his time back in his living ages.

So, ofcourse he sent two of his stand users out to retrieve you.

Wich is how he had leanred of your capture by the Joestars.

Oh he had wanted to gag, what if they made you into the same goody-two-shoes all Joestars pretended to be?

Disgusting. He's have to end your suffering in that case...

But for now, he could wait for his pawns to bring you back. Maybe you were ready for the no flesh bud treatment.

Probably not. But hey, who knows what other nonsense you'd come up with if he let you be that free.

If only his pawns would hurry up! He's bored!

"I'm not helping you, I've got things to do." You declare to Joseph for the sixth time now as they kept on asking you to help them get to Dio.

"We'll give you lots of food." Jotaro pipes in with that same bored tone, seemingly having figured you out after his grandfather had tried convincing you the whole time.

"I'm in. This way."

You hum and start walking. Joseph yaw falls open dramatically as Jotaro walks past him with a slightly proud aura.

The group of guys follow you around the sunny streets of Cairo as you walk to the mansion you just so faintly remember.

Actually... you don't really remember much of your mind controlled times. A faint face of the vampire that had enslaved you... a slight sensation of a hair ruffle. For the rest it's mostly gone.

But who knows, with what these guys have been telling you, this Dio figure is quite the bad guy. And you'd be getting food. So...

The first round roof of the mansion had appeared in your field of vision, you had attampted to call out before someone just jumped onto you from above.

Now this man you remembered just faintly. Cowboyish looks, an attitude and the most annoying smirk.

"Gotta ask you not to struggle kid. Dio's been whining about you for a week now." Hol Horse huffs as he picks you up at the scruff. Glaring at Jotaro's group of friends.

"Let me go or I'll blast you to bits." You declare simply. Crossing your arms childishly.

The cowboy's eye twitches and he takes it as a bluff.

Stupid idea, really.

You activate your stand, Arnold, and use it's ability that you have yet to name. The crystal like being grabs ahold of Hol Horse and sharp crystals grow out of his arm, piercing his skin.

This effectivly drops you as the man screams in pain behind you.

So that's what you had done wit Avdol then? Yikes. Since when did you even have this ability? Must be Dio's fault.

Tough, this seemed way too easy. You were proven right moments after as you were ambushed by a pretty woman... Who you actually didn't know.

She surpisingly just hoisted you over her shoulder mid run and ran away from the Crusaders as they yelled for the woman to stop. You could sense her stand... So this must be another one of Dio's henchmen.

Altough your stand was super duper cool and epic, you're an untrained kid who doesn't know what they're doing.

So you weren't that great at summoning your stand without concentrating fully. And all these jolts you got from this womans fast running weren't helping your concentration.

A puprle vine suddendly wrapped around the womans ankle and she fell to the floor, dropping you as you rolled along the sandy pavement, scratching your skin and further staining your clothes with more dirt.

Joseph had stopped the womans kidnapping attempt. Wich was cool but damm that fall hurt!

The rest of the crusaders came running to you and the unknown stand user. This time it was Polnareff who picked you up like you were damm nothing. To prevent you from getting snatched again.

"You didn't say you were some kind of prized possesion. What does Dio want with you?" Polnareff yells dramatically.

"As if I know! I barely remember him!" You huff back.

"Are you perhaps his offspring?" Kakyoin asks a lot more calmly.

"What? No, I know my dad, he's an asshole but we've got the same hair, so we're obviously related." You shake your head.

"Thats the stupidest explenation I've ever heard." Jotaro sighs while Joseph ties the woman to a pole so that she can't chase again.

"What can I say, never been to school." You shrug with a matter of factly face. Polnareff looks bewildered while the others have taken on a bit of a pitying look. Wich you really don't like.

Seriously, life could be worse.

 Polnareff had loosened his grip slighly as he must have felt safe or something. A stupid descicion really, as a faint barking was coming from down the alley before you.

You caught a glimpse of a funny looking dog with big ears barking up at the sky before you got lifted up really fast by sharp talons.

A hawk, a damm hawk got you.

How was this thing even carrying you? Sure ten year olds aren't big an you don't grow a lot on the street but this is just bizarre!

The hawk dropped you off in the fountain of Dio's courtyard.

Landing with a splash into the unkempt water. Good thing this wasn't deep becasue nobody had ever tought you how to swim...

The hawk squaqed hard before flying back up to protect the mansion you had been brought back to.

Now if you knew one thing about vampires it's that they can't come into the sun or they expolde or something.

So you made it your mission to stay here in the sun as long as possible... Wich.. isn't that long, it was almost sunset... Shit.

"Tought you could run off, child?" A sultry voice spoke from the dark halls surrounding the courtyard.

Two piercing yellow eyes looked straight at you. That same feeling of impending doom hit you again.

"Why don't you come to me. I promise not to harm you..." Dio whispers in a slightly sweet manner. Wich really made it even less convincing.

He'd probably snap your head right off for even attempting to talk to the Crusaders.

You didn't want to walk towards him. But the alluring feeling the man possesed made you take a shaking step.

Screaming in your head to stop wasn't working.

Slowly but surely you were walking out of the suns warm embarce and into the darkness of a vampire's lair.

You're gonna die, oh my god!

The vampire held his hand out so elegantly for you to take, sharp- well kept nails the only indicator of the underlying nature of this predator.

Your hand reached out for his, out of your control. Damm this creature's charm.

The moment your warm hand touched ice cold flesh you were dragged into the darkness and into a strong body.

You were held tightly against the man as he ran a hand trough your hair before you were out like a light. Seriously, what kind of powers does this asshole even have?

The next thing you knew, you woke up in a dark room. Feeling a bit.. cold?

You open your heavy eyes, looking for any sign of life in this room. Closed curtains... unlit candles. Now where in the fuck-knuckles were you now?

"Y/N, would you like to know something?" That same deep voice spoke from behind you. You turn around and face the vampire on his fancy couch, lazing around.

"Not really.." You mutter unsurely.

"Hah, still the same kind of annoyance as before. How I've missed you." Dio muses down at you as if looking at a little lapdog. Wich techically you had been.

"Fine, what's the thing I need to know?" You sigh.

"I've made you a vampire, just like me. Isn't that generous of me my little Y/N? Now we can talk forever." Dio smirks as if this was his best idea ever.

You deadpann and walk over to a curtain to go kill yourself full on vampire way.

"No, foolish child. Come back here." Dio tsks in annoyance and whatever control he has over you now pulls you back to stand behind his couch.

Wow, can't even sit in this place huh?

"Do you not understand why I share my gift of immortality with you?" Dio muses, smiling again. Tough that teeny tiny spark of softness doesn't go unnoticed to your trained eyes.

You just shake your head. Who knows, even age old vampires could be pedo's-

"You... are similar to me. I simply wish for you to have a better life then I had."

Dio speaks a bit less... confidently.

Now, that's something you had never expected from the blonde..  Ever.

Where's the uncaring cold villain you knew? The guy that killed his servants for failing?

Why was he looking at you as if his words were genuine?

And why was it affecting you like this?

"Y/N, when Jotaro Joestar and his group make their way to my estate, I want you to stay firmly beside me. Do you understand me?" Dio narrows his eyes as he stands up to tower over you. That sinister shadow casting over his face to get you to comply.

You just nods your head. Wich apparently isn't good enough for him as he squishes your cheeks between his hand.

"Use your words, child." Dio tsks.

"I'll stay at your side..." You speak up, not like you actually would... they were coming here to kill Dio... You didn't wnat to die aswell...

Dio sighs and ruffles your hair roughly before leaving the room to go do whatever the hell he does all day.

You hear a little lock click shut, once again trapping you somewhere, tough unlike last time, you have full control of your mind...

Dio didn't need a henchmen anymore, not of you.

He couldn't even understand it himself. Maybe deep down he missed a brother he could bully.

So just sit in that tower and don't complain and everything would be alright.

He wouldn't let those crusaders take you away from him again...

_____☆_____

Thank you for the request! Also available on Wattpad/Tumblr.

Dio was a bit OOC but I really don't know how to get this man to like a kid, i think he'd throw one out of a window if given the choice. Xd.

Have a nice night/ Day!

Words: 2502

#yandere #yandere x reader #oneshots #xreader #platonic yandere #gender neutral reader #gn reader #dio brando #jojo #jojos bizarre adventure #DIO #JoJo's dio #platonic yandere dio #platonic yandere jojo's bizarre adventure #stardust crusaders #kakyoin #polnareff #jotaro kujo

[heartnanase]

I should’ve swallowed my pride sooner

scaramouche x u

angst….lmfaoooooooo cuz i got my heart broken like a month ago😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏 universe please i’m not your strongest soldier

You took a breath, a long one at his front door as your shaky hands reached to knock his door, then slowly hesitated. It was your bestfriends lecture that’s making you do this. She said something about how ‘you can’t expect him to do all the work’ and she was right. It’s been tormenting you for what felt like years. You overheard him the other day, he said he was tired. The only reason why he gave up on you was because he was tired. Tired of texting first, tired of lack of communication, tired of confusion, tired of being the only one trying. A tear fell from your face as you claimed you were mad, not because he was tired, mad because he didn’t tell you. Scaramouche didn’t say he was tired, he said he stopped liking you. A loud gulp filled the air as you rang his door bell.

Scaramouche opens the door and his eyes slowly widen. “Oh uh. If you’re here to grab your shirt then-“ you scoff as you confront him “why didn’t you tell me.” to be honest, you didn’t even understand why you were so angry when it was your fault to begin with. you knew more than anyone else why he didn’t tell you anything, you were too scared to communicate but this time you refused to run away. “Tell you what.” He said confused as he watched you nervously dig your nails into your palms.

“That you were tired.” Scaramouche looks away when he hears your responds and goes quiet. You bjte onto your inner lip as hard as you could to hold your tears “You know, I don’t care if you genuinely stopped liking me, but… but you should’ve told me..” silent sniffs escaped as you tried to hold your shaky voice “I spent hours wondering what I did and you said it was because we had nothing in common. why… why didn’t you just—“ Scaramouche cuts you off. “I thought you stopped liking me.” His words didn’t surprise you, but it still killed you. How do you live with yourself knowing you destroyed the only good thing in your life, you never reassured him, you never said goodnight or good morning, you never tried. Not because you were incapable, because you were afraid to get hurt and purposely made him chase after you to see if he truly wanted you. “Scaramouche” you repeatedly shook your head as you sighed “i think i… love you”

“I dont know.. I dont know how I feel about you.”

You wiped your tears in anger… or sadness.. or whatever. You just knew whatever you felt wasn’t good. “No, no. You can’t just ‘I dont know’ with somebody’s feelings Scaramouche. It’s not fair. You either tell me you love me too, or give me closure so I can move on. that’s all there is to it. If you want to break my heart then break it.” Only silence could be heard, who knew it was so loud. Closure, silence was your closure but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough yet you still turned around and walked away. Nobody will ever know how much strength it took to walk away when you still had millions, maybe even billions of unanswered questions. Nobody will ever know how much strength it took to walk away even when you wanted to wait till he would be able to answer your feelings. Nobody will ever will ever know how much strength it took to walk away from the only time you would ever be able to get the only answer holding you back from staying or moving on.

#i shoulve reassured him when i had the chance #angst #genshin angst #genshin #genshin fanfic #genshin headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin x reader #wanderer angst #wanderer x reader #scaramouche x y/n #scaramouche angst #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche

[effervescentdragon]

For the prompt game:

'Dont i have the right to know? + pairing of your choice 👀

this is, subjectively, the worst thing i've ever written. <3

The news breaks in the paddock first.

Maybe it doesn't, though. Maybe it breaks in gossip magazines, or trash tabloids, or whatever else people read. Charles doesn't know because it's not for him to know. He has people to deal with those things. People to tell him what's being said, what's happening, what he needs to know and what he needs to pretend not to know.

"Did you see the news about Seb?" Carlos says, and Charles' heart speeds up because the Mercedes seat is open still, and - "- didn't think he was the type," Carlos continues, and Charles didn't hear what - "was gonna be Rosberg, or Jenson."

"What?" Charles says, because he didn't hear, but then Silvia storms into the room and goes straight for Charles.

"Did you know about this?" she asks, and he doesn't like the gleam in her eye.

"About what?" Charles repeats, pissed off now because nobody is telling him anything, except it's something about Seb, and he doesn't -

"The divorce," Silvia says, finally, with a little cruel twist to her mouth and Charles doesn't remember anything except stammering a weak and truthful "No" and then being pulled into a meeting on how to deal with the press and the questions and many things that Charles can't remember, because his brain is on a loop of divorce-divorce-Seb is getting a divorce.

-

Everybody is talking about it and Charles isn't thinking about it.

"Had no idea," he says to Alex. "We don't talk that much," he repeats to both Max and Lando. "I don't know why," he rolls his eyes at Carlos and George. "I'd tell you if I knew," he lies to Piere, and then goes to stand by himself on the truck before the race.

He waves at the fans and ignores everything until there's a bump at his hip. He looks down and it's Lewis, waving the same way Charles is, his eyes on the crowd.

"You didn't know," he says with a fake smile, and Charles forces himself not to react.

"No," is all Charles can say, shaking his head a little. "Haven't heard from him in a while."

Lewis hums. "Makes sense," he says, chuckling a little, and then Valtteri comes over an Charles wants to shake Lewis because, how the fuck does it make sense? It fucking doesn't, none of this makes sense and it's not - Charles doens't - how could -

The race, Charles thinks. The race first, everything else second. Racing first. Always.

Charles is a racing driver first. Always.

-

He misses the podium for a breath.

He doese everything right, answers the questions, gives feedback, it's all fine, it's all alright, he's handling it all well, another missed podium, another shit race, another question, another thing to deal with, it's fine, it's all good -

-he slams the door in Andrea's face.

"I'm fine!" he yells, and he'll apologize, he just needs a fucking moment alone.

The floor is hard under his thighs but he can't drag himself to the couch yet. It's fine. He taps on the phone screen next to him. Andrea must have given it to him. Charles doesn't remember.

He scrolls for too long and sends the message before he can calm down.

didnt i have the right to know??

He's not expecting a response. He isn't. He's trained himself out of that a long while ago.

The phone lights up.

I didn't know how to tell you.

No apology. No nothing. Charles scoffs, his hands shaking.

oh i dont know, maybe when u were fucking me in sicily last

or fucking me in monaco

or when i was fucking you in switserland

at any point then would be ok

There's sweat running down his face. His overalls are too heavy. He also needs to pee.

He leans back onto the door, staring at the screen. There's a lot of notifications, but it can all wait.

This can't.

I'm sorry about your race. You deserved a podium.

He stares at the screen incredulously.

fuck you seb

i deserved to know

He mutters a curse in Italian as he grabs for the water bottle and drinks some more. He doesn't have much more time.

He isn't expecting an answer. He isn't. There is no point expecting anything from Seb. Never was.

I know.

There's nothing left to say. Charles should get up and change and open the door for Andrea and Joris and whoever else is waiting for him. There's nothing else Seb will say.

Charles should get up and leave his phone.

Charles should block Sebastian Vettel's number and never talk to him again.

The phone lights up.

I can tell you in England? That's where I'm moving, for a while.

Charles should do a lot of things that he doesn't.

-

"-and get my phone," Charles shouts, halfway through the door.

Andrea sighs fondly and leans down, picking up Charles' phone from the floor.

It's unlocked. Andrea doesn't want to look, but his eyes are faster than his fingers and he catches the last two messages before the screen goes black.

i'll come between two headers

I am counting on it ;-)

#i havent written anything in too long and this is awful all around but whatever #effervescentdragonwrites #my writing #sebchal #f1 rpf #i guess tags would be cheating and idk rich guys being dicks

[aonungyoufuck]

omg i love runaway so far and im excited for the next part to come out!! can you do something angsty + fluffy ending in which lo’ak says something mean about his twin sister reader but lo’ak being himself he just brushes it off when the reader confronts him

Twins of a tail

Fem Sully Reader + Twin brother Lo'ak

Synopsis: Angst + Fluff. Lo'ak says some pretty heavy things in the heat of the moment. But You take it to heart. Time for a twin talk.

HI anon! thank you so much for liking Runaway. Im working like crazy trying to hit every plot point so im glad! I hope you like how i worked out your request :3

"Oh come on Lo'ak. Its just We dont know anything about the Tulkun. Who's to say he's not this great killer and you just survived out of luck?"

"no You aren't listening either!" He spoke. Hand now at his head as he just couldn't voice his frustration. Least of all yet. "you are suppose to be my twin. Have my back in this!"

"i am having your back on this! But Its just hard to believe"

"how is it hard to believe? Am i hard to believe for you?"

"Lo'ak that isn-"

"I Know that nobody else believes me. Neteyam only believes me once in a while. And i know Those three Even Tsireya wouldn't believe me. But you are my Twin. My sister. The maker to my trouble." He was more than frustrated. Livid? he couldn't tell. He just knew that something about this wasn't sitting right with him

you had changed. Things have Changed drastically since living here.

"And You aren't believing me when i tell you he is no killer"

"Lo'ak"

"I mean really! We move here and suddenly you're this prim and proper lady. You left me. I dont know why and i dont know how but you have changed more than i. And even here i cant seem to make things right. Cant seem to fit in and yet you take their side on this more than you believe myself"

"Lo'ak!"

"Just go back to the others. Ever since we moved here you haven't been more than a stranger"

That hurt more than anything. And you just stood there and watched as he headed off. You wanted to believe him. You Had to believe him. But what was there to really believe? You weren't there and you had to take the word of the People that knew of Payakan.

Lo'ak was hurt and you knew that. There were enough people that he felt like he disappointed. But right now you were hurt too. A stringing pain in your heart.

You knew that you had to talk to him. But you figured you needed to give him time. To think? to cool off? or maybe you were just scared. But you decided not to push it.

You haven't changed... you didn't change.

You just had to put on a role now that you didnt have one. Lo'ak should know. You did no Tsahik training. You had to learn things a new just like him.

You were on new ground. You were on different territory. And yet? did he expect no change at all? You were doing this all for your family. Sure you wanted to have fun. You wanted to get in trouble too. Wanted to be free and wanted to have it all back.

But things had to change. And it hurt more than any to have your brother. Your best friend since before your first breath, have to tell you that You were the problem.

"skxawng" is all you muttered. You were pissed. Probably beyond that. But you decided on heading home and maybe going to bed early.

just to cool your head.

Just to forget the stinging words of your Twin.

------------------------------------------

Lo'ak Had come home a little after Eclipse. Didn't really have the thought of what he had said.

Being him he figured it would work itself out. Getting home seeing you and eating along side with your family. But he didnt expect you to already be asleep. Everyone still awake. Eating and talking. But you were off in the corner. Away from everyone.

"Why is Y/n Asleep? They not feeling well?"

"Y/n said she is quiet angry. Upset and frustrated. Ate earlier and headed to bed" Neytiri spoke. She didn't need an explanation. She knew her kids well. And knew when you were upset. It mostly had to do with something Lo'ak said or done. Tho she would admit. This is the first time she saw you two not stuck together at the tail like you would be.

Lo'ak sighed. Hoping. Praying that what he had said earlier was not the cause of it.

----------------------------------------------

By morning you had the time to think. You always found yourself awake before everyone else. And for today that was okay.

As you had tried to reason and understand why it hurt so much.

Yes Lo'ak was your Twin. Always clinging to each other's tails when ever the change. You swore since your first memory that The two of you would tangle your tails together. A bond so strong that would always be true to each other.

Perhaps thats why you were angry. Or upset? to be honest with yourself you never understood the difference. You just knew you had to talk with Lo'ak.

"Y/n!"

Speak of him.

You turned to look. Not at all happy with how he seemed so happy. "Lo'ak"

"oh come on you're still not upset about yesterday right?"

"Oh i dont know. How would you feel if i told you My twin that you were a complete stranger?"

"i....upset i know but"

"Listen to me Lo'ak and listen well because i dont want to have to repeat myself to you"

And he shup up right away.

" You are My Twin. But above all else you are my best friend. And i dont want to have to argue with you about this. But this isn't home. I haven't changed. You dont think i dont want to have fun too? But things are different and i have to listen to those around me instead of just you. Its not that i dont believe you. Its just If it were true. If what they say about Payakan is true you could have died too. And where would that leave us? Sky people are after us. And things are different here than home. And i cannot and will not let you push me aside and think i am different because you refuse to change too. If all else We are all we have. And i dont want you to push me to Stranger. When all we've ever been was each other's driving force. He may be your Spirit brother. But i am Your Twin sister. So dont you Dare say that i am any less than that. Got it?"

Lo'ak pondered. Paused and thinking long and hard. He hadn't meant to upset you the way he did. And he knew you were right. Knew that Things have changed. And he really didnt think.

How long had you been pushing down the urge to cause trouble? How long have you longed to feel the sky as he once did.

How long had you been pushing it all aside while he had cause trouble in this new found land.

He really didn't think.

"i am sorry Sister"

"i am your sister. And you are my brother. And i hate having to argue with you. But please. Dont ever say i am a stranger to you. Alright?"

He could see the faintest of red on your eyes. Had you been crying? He swore it now that he would do better to understand.

"i understand"

"now come on. Show me Payakan oh mighty warrior"

"shut up you skxawng!"

and it would all be okay. Attached at the tail as you always would be.

#sully family #sully reader #avatar the way of water #atwow #loak x reader #but siblings yknow? #lo'ak sully #lo'ak avatar #lo'ak x y/n #Lo'ak twin sister #atwow angst #atwow fluff #atwow imagines

[transmascissues]

hey, sorry idk if its ok for me to ask for advice here, but im really lost and dont know where else to go.

i might be starting testosterone really soon, (via informed consent) but i keep flipping back and forth on whether or not i'm sure i want it. some days i think, "yes 100% im a man i want T right now" and thinking abt the effects of T makes me euphoric. other days i think, "wait AM i sure tho? what if it turns out i hate it actually" and thinking abt the effects of T on those days makes me anxious and ambivalent.

i think it might be just a fear of change, but i'm not sure, and i'm worried about making a decision i'll regret forever. it doesnt help i keep seeing ppl say things like "you need to be 100% sure you want hrt before u start because going back and forth puts a huge strain on the body" etc, but i dont know if i ever will be 100% sure.

what do you make of this? do i really need to be 100% sure? am i rushing in too fast? or is this just anxiety talking?

i spent years agonizing over if i was really sure that i wanted to start t, and you know what it taught me?

no one is ever 100% sure about anything. it’s an impossible task. that’s just not how people work — you’re always going to find more things to be anxious or unsure about when you think about it because it’s an unknown thing and it’s completely natural to be at least a little unsure of unknown things.

and most of the time, nobody expects you to be 100% sure about big decisions because we all know it’s an unfair expectation. nobody told me i couldn’t go to college because i wasn’t 100% sure where i wanted to go. nobody tells you to never drive anywhere because you’re not 100% sure that the car won’t crash. accepting risk is a part of life. trusting ourselves to make the best decisions we can — and trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever happens next — is an unavoidable part of life.

the only reason we’re held to that impossible standard of 100% certainty when it comes to medically transitioning is because people are transphobic and they want us to second guess ourselves and put off hormones or surgery out of fear. if everyone waited until they were 100% sure, no one would ever transition, and that’s exactly what they want.

i look at it like this: hormones are like any other medication. you take them because you decide they have a good shot at making your life better even though there’s also a chance they might be ineffective, have bad side effects, or even make things worse in the end. we accept that risk every time we take a medication because we weigh the options and decide the good that could come of them is worth that risk. imagine if doctors only offered medical care to people when they were 100% sure it would work and not have any side effects — they would never do anything at all!

i can’t tell you if hrt is right for you. i can’t tell you if the risk is worth it for you. what i can tell you is that, when i was unsure about what to do, there were two things that made me decide it was worth the risk:

the first is that i knew i wanted to give myself a chance. the idea of going on hormones only to get more dysphoria from it sounded terrifying, but the reality was that i was already living with dysphoria! and the idea of just accepting that because i was afraid to try the thing that could make it better was even more terrifying. at the end of the day, i decided it was better to choose the option that could make things better than it was to just spend the rest of my life wondering if it would’ve helped. the worst case scenario in both choices is dysphoria, so i figured, why not pick the option where the best case scenario is euphoria? i know dysphoria is something i can live with because i’ve been doing it for years, so i felt that i could trust myself to be able to deal with that outcome if it came. i knew it was possible that i would regret it and wish i had never started t, but i also knew i would regret it even more if i went my whole life never having given myself a chance at something better than the dysphoria i already live with. i figured, if i have to take a risk, why not take the one that excites me instead of the one i would just be taking out of fear?

the second is that hormones are fucking slow. there can be some changes that happen fast but for the most part, the changes on t take time to happen fully, and if i wanted even more time i knew i could take a lower dose to slow things down further. it’s not like you just wake up one day with a totally different body — it’s a process, and if at any point in that process you realize you don’t like what’s happening, you can stop! you’re completely in control; the second it starts to feel like it’s making something worse instead of better, you can decide to stop taking it. even with the changes that came quickest for me, i had time to assess as they started happening, and it would’ve been as simple as putting down the syringe and never using it again if i decided i didn’t want those changes to continue.

(and the people who say you can’t start and stop because of the strain on your body are exaggerating — i had to start and stop multiple times because i was having allergic reactions to all of the serums we tried, and i was totally fine. that was never even a concern my nurse brought up to me. i’m sure it’s not ideal to do that constantly, but i don’t think it’s a big thing you have to worry about.)

again, i can’t tell you if starting t is the right move for you. all of this is just how i made that decision for myself; i can’t make yours for you. what i can tell you is that you are more than capable of making a thoughtful and informed decision without being 100% sure. certainty is not a requirement.

and frankly, anyone who tells you they were 100% sure when they made that decision is either lying about it because they feel like they should’ve been totally certain, or they were in a position to make the decision so quickly that it didn’t leave time to mull things over and find things to be unsure of.

which leads me to my final point: if you’re thinking about it this hard and trying to be this meticulous about making the right decision, you’re absolutely not rushing into it. whatever decision you make, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into it and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

this is your decision, not anyone else’s, and already you have everything you need to make the best decision you possibly can. trust yourself to choose wisely, and trust yourself to be able to handle whatever your choice brings. you got this.

#this ended up much longer than i intended but i have a lot to say about it bc i was in the same place a couple years ago #ask answered #trans men #transmascs #hrt #testosterone

[shmolish]

hi do you do regular ships? if so could I pls get a prune juice x yan!kouign? like excessively yan lol she murders everyone who even looks at the guy

if not, could I please get a prune juice x yan!reader? tysm ^^ I hope this request isn't too bad/hard

AN: I'M SO SORRY, I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW TO WRITE REGULAR SHIPS, SO YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE READER IS KOUIGN AMANN!! I MADE SURE THEY ACTED SIMILARLY ENOUGH. SHE EVEN HAS A SWORD. TY FOR THE REQUEST!! ♡♡♡

Prune Juice Cookie x Yan! Reader. ONESHOT.

Warnings: Gore, murder, stalking, manipulation, all that Yan jazz

-Precious-

There he was, sitting peacefully on a bench, unbothered. Smart, handsome, and perfect. He's so... wonderful. He is he greatest person to ever grace this planet. I must make sure nobody can taint him. He's my everything. My precious Prune Juice Cookie.

But who is she?

Why is that student talking to him? No, why is she even looking at him? I can't let her taint him. I'll deal with her later. For now, I just want to see him in all of his glory.

That laugh, that smile, those eyes. Why does he feel the need to hide them so much? They are the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Well, besides him. Nothing is more beautiful than him.

He is my everything. He is my heart, my soul, my reason to live. Without him, I have no purpose. I'd die if I knew I had to wake up and he wouldn't be in the same world as me. My heart beats for him and him alone.

Does he not understand this?

Oh look, that poor excuse of a being has left Prune Juice alone. And look at that, she's wandered off all by herself. Doesn't she know how dangerous that is? Oh well. I don't care. It makes my job so much easier.

I would smile as I walked up to her. "Hello!" I'd say cheerfully while waving to her. It was all fake, of course. I'd never want to smile for some brat like her. It just makes things easier when people trust you.

"Me?" She'd ask while pointing to herself.

Oh great, she's stupid as well. Actually, I already knew she was dumb from the moment she started talking to Prune. She's just so much dumber than I imagined. Who else would I be waving at?

"Yes, you. Can you follow me for a second? I need help with something." I would tell her.

"Oh, uh, sure thing.."

That was almost too easy. If she follows a stranger so easily, why hasn't she already been killed? She's begging for death at this point.

"Great." I grabbed her wrist firmly and lead her to an alleyway nearby. The smile I once wore was gone. All that was left was an expression of cold and silent rage.

It did not take long before we reached the end of the alleyway, and I shoved her in front of me ever so slightly.

"We're here." I told her.

"What are we doing here? I thought you said you needed help with something." She started to back away from me while looking around nervously.

Already has cold feet? She sure didn't when she went up to my most beloved.

"I do need help with something." I told her, taking out my blade and giving her a crazed expression.

"W- what are you doing?" She started to back away even more. Of course I expected something like this. It wasn't long before she hit a wall.

"Leave me alone, you freak!" She'd shout while her expression formed into that of fear.

That's the best thing she can come up with to defend herself? I swear, she's such an idiot. My beloved Prune Juice could have come up with so much better. And his expressions would be ten times more entertaining.

"You're so unoriginal. I've heard that insult hundreds of time."

"Why are you doing this? What did I even do?"

"...You're not very smart, are you?"

I would take my sword and raise it above her body, feigning a strike. She would raise her arms above her, as if that were going to do anything.

"You're not even entertaining. So predictable..." I'd click my tongue and sliced through her chest.

Crimson.

Everything was dyed that deep, blood red. My clothes, my sword, the ground. Her. This is what she gets for speaking to Prune Juice. She laid there with her body all limp. Isn't it pretty? How the blood shimmers when the light hits it. How you can see the life leave their eyes. How they react when they're scared. It's not as beautiful as Prune Juice, but still a thrilling experience nonetheless.

I'd start to walk back to my dorm room, evading everyone's view. I've gotten really good at that, since I've killed so many people.

I entered my empty apartment and immediately changed my clothes. Can't have Prune getting suspicious of me now. I would chuck it into the washing machine and switch to a fresh set. After, I would start to clean my sword. It's much easier to clean, being made of less absorbent material.

I'd sit on the couch, just wiping up some of the leftover blood. I managed to get most of it off in the first attempt, but it's always good to do a second just to be safe.

That's when the door opened, and my roommate would enter the room.

"I'm back.." They would say in a sad tone. He sat down on the couch next to me, not suspecting a thing.

"Ah, hello my love. You seem a bit upset. Is something bothering you?"

He's so precious, even while sad.

"I met somebody else today, and they said they would text me back immediately! But I've been waiting for three hours now, and there's still nothing. This always happens. Am I not likeable?" He'd ask while resting this chin in his hands.

Oh, he's upset about that. He usually is.

"Don't worry, dear. If they don't want to make the effort to talk to you, then they're the problem. You really shouldn't be bothered about what those types of people are up to. Just stick to the ones you know are good, like me!"

I leaned my sword on wall next to us and gave him a kiss on the cheek before smiling at him.

"I guess you're right." Prune Juice would say.

I'm always right.

"Now, why don't we cuddle? There's actually a new show we can watch!"

I would hold out my hand, which he took immediately, and lead him to our bedroom. We spent the rest of the day watching shows and cuddling. That's when I heard a washing machine do its little chime, although it was feint. It was the same machine that held my crimson stained clothes.

I'm sure if I told him one day, he'd understand. This is all for him, after all. I love him so, so much. If he loved me as well, then he wouldn't be mad.

#cookie run #cookie run kingdom #crk #prune juice cookie #prune juice cookie crk #prune juice cookie x reader #prune juice crk #prune juice x reader #prune juice #prune juice cookie oneshots #prune juice cookie x yan! reader #yan! reader #prune juice x kougin amann #yan! kouign amann

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @iamburdened - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x gender neutral!reader

After Maeve

- after Maeve’s tragic murder, Spencer isolated himself in his apartment for a while

- in the two weeks he didnt leave his apartment, he was left multiple gift baskets by Penelope, and every member of the team came to visit at least once, only to be met by an unanswered door

- Spencer had gotten used to the knocks at his door followed by the voices of his friends offering their support, he never had the strength to reply verbally, but he appreciated their visits

- one day, though, a knock was followed by a voice he hadnt heard before

“Umm...hello? Is anybody home?”

- Spencer lifted himself from the couch and travelled the great distance for his front door. looking through the peephole, he saw a woman that he didnt recognise, holding a plate with a towel tenting slightly over it

- she looked worried. that was enough to override Spencer’s grief as his FBI instincts took over and he opened the door

- she grinned at him with an expression of intense relief

“O-Oh! Hello! I wasnt expecting you to answer the door, my name is (Y/N).”

“Who are you?”

- Spencer was beyond confused, but when he saw the blush that lit up your face, he wondered if his question seemed harsh or rude

“I-I live just across the hall, I moved in last week and ever since, I’ve seen people come and go from your door- a blonde woman with glasses brings baskets regularly. A-At first, because nobody ever answered the door, I thought maybe whoever lived here passed away and they were leaving things in your memory. B-But they talked to you through the door sometimes, I noticed on my way to and from work. So I thought, well, you must have gone through something terrible and I wouldnt be a very good neighbour if I didnt try to help- I know it isnt my place and Im sorry if Im oversteppi- I made some cookies but u-uh you dont have to tell me anything, I just thought- oh god Im sorry, I’ll just go.”

- your explanation was hurried, panicked and somewhat guilty as you attempted to speed walk back to your apartment

“Wait!”

- Spencer called as loudly as he could manage, you turned to face him, still clutching the towel-covered plate that he now knew to be hiding freshly baked cookies

“You dont know me, we’ve never even...”

- he couldnt bring himself to finish his sentence. never even met, just like her

- tears stung his eyes, his voice left him

- immediately, you noticed the changes in his body language and you scrambled over to him, placing the plate of cookies on the floor among the baskets

“Can I hug you? Is that alright?”

- Spencer nodded and you didnt take another second to think before you pulled him into your arms

- as soon as you embraced him, his tears broke free and rolled down his cheeks

- much to his surprise, the hug didnt feel awkward at all. it was the most comfort he had allowed himself to receive

- he felt more comfortable with someone who didnt know him, didnt know the details of what happened to him. you were someone new, someone who had never known him before he had been in this state; you had no expectations of him, no loyalties or personal care towards him, so he could break in front of you

“Shhh, it’s alright, you’re ok. Take some deep breaths for me.”

- your voice was so soothing to him, the first one he’d really heard ever since that gunshot

- Spencer nodded into your shoulder and pulled away from you slightly, which was your signal to let go of him

- he wiped his tears while you picked up the plate of cookies and gave them to him

“Like I said, you dont have to tell me anything, but these are for you. Im right across the hall if you need me.”

- and you were

- at least once a week, you would knock on Spencer’s door and deliver him a new batch of some homemade baked goods

- cookies, cakes, banana breads, anything!

- sometimes Spencer didnt have the strength to answer the door. on those days, you’d leave the plate of food at his door, run back to your apartment, handwrite a quick note with a pen, then run back to his door to place the note on top of the plate. that way he’d still get a little bit of conversation from you, even if he didnt have the strength to answer

- he couldnt describe the combination of appreciation and guilt

- on the one hand, you were ridiculously sweet to him, unconditionally caring towards someone who was little more than a stranger to you, at a time when he really needed a friend

- on the other hand though, you were working tirelessly all day and then coming home to immediately bake him something more than once a week, he didnt think he deserved that, and the closer you got to him the more in danger you were

- that mentality continued throughout your friendship

- you two naturally drifted closer than friends did, but every time Spencer noticed, he would retract into himself

- he thought he was protecting you, but in reality he was hurting you

- he didnt realise just how much pain he was causing until you confessed your feelings and broke down crying because you thought your obvious feelings for him had been making him uncomfortable

- that’s when he told you about Maeve

- it wasnt easy for him, even after knowing you over sixth months

- he cried, you cried, it was a very emotional moment

- he assured you that he did care about you a lot, more than he would for a friend, but he was just so broken

- you held him until he stopped crying, and then you told him something that changed his whole perspective

“Spencer, it is impossible for history to repeat itself. You can hit me with any statistic you want, but the fact is, no matter how similar an event may be to another, the people involved, the time, the day, the context- it would all be different, and therefore not a repeat at all. What happened to Maeve will not happen to me.”

- he knew you were right, and your words did reassure him, but his heart was still wounded; it was scarred

- somehow, without him having to say anything, you knew exactly what he needed to hear

“I dont want a relationship, not now, and not ever unless you are completely ready. Patience is as easy as breathing when it comes to love, Spence, so I dont mind waiting.”

- and that was that, you two had come to an understanding

- over time, Spencer allowed himself to venture closer to you, emotionally as well as physically

- your presence was comforting enough that once he calmed down, he wasnt afraid of the feelings he had for you

- you explained to him randomly one day that part of you was worried he only thought he had feelings for you because you had helped him heal, in the sense of sexual transference syndrome

- while you were rambling about this and essentially inventing a cop-out for Spencer just in case he didnt actually love you, he placed his hands on your shoulders to stop you walking beside him, and kissed you

- he then took a few steps, acting as though he was casually continuing to walk, while you stood frozen, in a daze

- Spencer gave you a dazzling grin, like the swoon-worthy interest in a cheesy romance movie

- without a word, you reflected his grin back at him, and took the few steps necessary to catch up with him

- the two of you began walking side by side again in silence, avoiding eye contact bashfully

- you gingerly reached out your hand and nudged his ever so gently

- Spencer smiled to himself and interlaced his fingers with yours

- and that was just the beginning

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #imagine #imagines #x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #headcannon #criminal minds

[lithominium]

Ughhh hahah im ahving a “nobody under 40 really expects anything good to happen ever again” moment right now going “climate change has completely ruined seasons as we know them, not the hundreds of thousands of deaths caused by sea level rise and (un)natural disasters caused by global warming” and “every single product in the entire world is designed to break down in a year at the most and every year it gets worse, including housing”

Its not like yoi can go buy a good that actually functions, because All goods are like this. Tools are godawful now. You buy a brand new sandblaster from a reputable company and it literally sucks shit. You buy a modern reissue of music equipment and its shoddily built and doesnt work right or something. Houses being built in the modern era are thrown up in a week and collapse with people inside a week later. Video games come out and are half baked and dont change when people ask

The consumers dont have power anymore, they havent for Years.

Every time i look at politics (USA because im unfortunately usamerican, but ive seen some godawful shit in other countries too) i go “well he cant nearly be as bad as the last guy” but somehow they always one up each other for being more genocidal and more awful. On both ends of the spectrum. It used to be 3 years ago “do i wanna vote for the awful person or the awful person who actively wants to kill me” but now its literally just. “Person who wants to kill me or person who wants to kill me.” And every single worthless politician in existence is doing the same thing. If i voted for someone who didnt want to kill me, so few people would end up voting for them, that the people who DO want to kill me would win anyways. My old college town banned public homosexuality. Tennessee of course. Worthless ass state.

I dont doomscroll, i know how ungodly unhealthy it is to scroll through tags showing off how bad everything is. But its inescapable. I go to funny youtube videos and see wade dankpods complaining about how all tools suck while he tries to rebuild a car. I scroll through my dashboard which is supposed to be memes and fandom content and its “this us democrat just said ‘yaknow i really think its great that israel is finally killing all those subhuman palistinians” and what the hell am i supposed to do about that??

I just need. Some semblance of hope. Anything just to tell me it will be alright. Tell me theres a reason for me to not steal a plane and fly it into a god damn mountain so my final moments will be doing the one thing i really love.

#vent post

[kai-atlantis]

I'm late 😬 but I broke my ankle again so JUST PLEASE ACCEPT MY LATE ENTRIES OKI.

CW: grief, language

Artwork by @irunaki who graciously allowed me to borrow her work

FowlFest Day 2 - Diary Day

A Glimpse in Time

Holly ShOrt!!!

1953 

  HI DIARY!!! Today is MaY 3! It's my bIRTHDAY! I'M 32 today and at skool my class sang to me and gave me kandy! Escept for Riles Ross, cause he stole my space bar and ate iT in fronT of ME! >:( so i hit him in his face and all the kids laughed and Miss Persimmon sent me home. :( bUT I CAME HOME WITH CAKE! and its carrot. Mommy says it looks like our hair! :D cause we have orange hair! Daddy gave me a bow n arrow after cake and said I was a natural! Daddy is so strong he could hold me AND MY CAKE TOGETHER! :D then i got in trouble for hitting Riles Ross, but daddy told me later in secret that he was proud of me. :) 

  Anyway Diary, did you have a good day today? I sure hope so cause I did! I would share my cake with you but i dont wanna get cake on your pages :( sorry. BUT YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME AND FOXY TONITE! we are having a secret sleep over under the bed. Foxy is so CUTEEE. sHH! Dont tell mommy or daddy. It's only for us :) 

  See ya there! 

Holly Short

1983

Today was fucking bullshit. It was so fucking stupid, I almost don't want to make an entry about it, but my therapist claims it's good for my grief to vent my feelings, so, here I am. Venting my fucking feelings. And no. I don't feel better.

So, you want to know why today sucked. Today was my second day at the Academy. The LEP Academy.

I've always known I was going to be an officer, but lately, I've been compelled to do something more than LEPtraffic, or Immigration. Yesterday was already weird enough because I got tons of looks from all the beefheads, but then today, in my Criminal Investigations class, the professor asked us what our goals in the LEP were. Anyone that knows anything knows girls who join the LEP are destined for traffic, or some bullshit area of "policing". We never go further than that… Unless you're Wing Commander Vinyáya. And nobody is as cool as Wing Commander Vinyáya. She's a total babe. Definitely not me.

But anyway, I have other aspirations. Dad was Internal Affairs. Mom's LEPmarine. It's my destiny to be in the force, and if I'm gonna go in, it's go big or go home. So, I answer that I want to be in Recon. And I shit you not - everyone laughed, even the professor. The FUCKING professor.

Fuck.

Why can't a girl be Recon? We're not all airheads. Some of us are actually capable of handling ourselves. Mom always says my aim is deadlier than a stink worm too, so those townies don't know what they've got coming.

Shit. Said, not says. Mom is dead. Stupid mistake.

Whatever.

The only plus side to today was that I ran into Trouble Kelp. He's the hot Kelp brother. An idiot, but he has a good heart. He's a junior, and super famous for his scores. Everyone knows who he is, so you'd expect him to be a total glow slug, right? But he's actually really kind. Some guy tried to trip me in the hall, and before I could punch the daylights outta him, Kelp shoved him into the trash can and swore him off. It was totally cool. He'd make a good partner someday, I think.

OH! Back to Recon. Adding onto today's bullshit, I overheard some rookies going on and on about Commander Root. Apparently he's a tough nut to crack and hasn't ever had a girl in his unit, and he intends for it to stay that way. Well, too bad for him, because I've got my sights on Recon. I work alone, and fly alone. Nobody to bother me, no stinky males and their gross ear cheese. Just me, the wind, and the surface sky.

It's what mom and dad would want.

I hope they're proud.

Oh yeah, one last thing: it's my birthday today. I'm 62 today. Is it super lame that I put up pictures of mom and dad on the table with me? Just so, you know… I'm not alone?

Fuck. Duh. That's super lame.

Hey. I'm back. Don't mind the weird gap between pages. Didn't feel like writing for a bit so I took a nap. But I'm back.

Honestly? I'm a bit mad. And before you ask me in the session: about everything?

Being a girl is hard enough, right? 'cause I'm stuck in this gnarly place of not being pretty enough yet also not being "tough" enough to be accepted by the guys. And I just started. Why should my appearance fucking matter? I'm a fucking hotshot. I'm resilient. I already know how to pilot a shuttle. That's more than these maggots can do.

My dad would've known what to say. I didn't know him that long, really. But still, when I'd spaz out and tussle with other kids, he'd always have my back, and he always knew the right things to say. I wish I had that now, you know? I miss him.

I miss mom. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about her death and I won't be forced into it either, k?

Oh yeah, duh. My original point. It's my 62nd birthday, and I'm all alone. There's supposed to be some junior thing at a pub in the city. Juniors. Not rookies like these dorks. Mom would kill me if I went.

Hah. Guess I should rebel and go make some friends then? Maybe Trouble will be there? Not that I'm into him or anything. Just a friend or two would be nice.

Anyway. I've got basics in the morning.

Night, journal. See ya.

#fowlfest2023 #holly short #artemis fowl #oops im late but hey it's VIRGO SEASON #grief journal

[doll-elvis]

I AGREE SO MUCH ABOUT CHILD BRIDE. i went into it knowing nothing about the author, and in the forward shes really emphasizing how crazily obsessed she was with priscilla so i guess i was expecting it to be a sympathetic view of her😭 definitely not. what is suzzanes problem dear lord. shes so convinced and desperate to tell you that priscilla was some evil teenaged succubus out for rockstar blood. jesus christ. like girl even if she actually was who gives a shit????? same goes for currie grant. i dont care if he showed the author concrete evidence on a golden platter that he was telling the truth. hes just such an obvious sleazeball. just disgusting……. and she dedicates like 300 chapters to him saying over and over again that he fucked 14yo priscilla and that she was into it. babe they couldve had a steamy decade-long affair and NOBODY would care because he is literally just some random creep ass loser 13 years older than her. and when it comes to his attempted rape of her hes literally like “no i didnt try to rape her i just [decribes attempting to rape her]”. i really dont know suzzanes backstory but she is insane.

but uh. anyways that aside i did enjoy parts of the book for the more in depth view of the story. like suzzanne has such intense bias that really shows throughout but even with that it was still a great way to understand some of the situations a little better… i wish elvis and me was a little more detailed but i can appreciate how and why it is. and i am strangely curious about the actual nature of priscilla and curries relationship (i dont think they ever had consensual sex but i do believe he attacked her before elvis left germany and that leaves me curious as to why she still hung around him afterwards... i.e. those pictures of her to send to elvis that he took)

sorry for the huge wall of text im just.... very .. intrigued? by the book? its just so bizarre and raises a lot of questions lol.

“Currie’s like “No I didn’t try to r*pe her I just [describes atttempting to r*pe her]”

YES THANK YOU!!

if I could, in my own words, summarize the transcript of the conversation between Priscilla & Currie it would be this ⬇️

Currie: I didn’t r*pe you

Priscilla: You forced yourself on me

Currie: I didn’t force anything, you just weren’t into it

Priscilla: So you didn’t try to kiss me?

Currie: Well yeah I was trying to kiss you, you just wouldn’t kiss me back. You were very cold

again that was just my own words so not the actual transcript but that is exactly what I got out of that conversation- which is Currie denying he forced anything on her while simultaneously describing just how unresponsive she was to his advances, so THANK YOU for articulating that perfectly

He is an absolute sleaze-ball as you said, and clearly did not realize he was incriminating himself throughout that whole exchange

like even if Currie’s version of the events were true (I highly doubt it), he still committed statutory r*pe. Perhaps Suzanne and him don’t understand the age of consent but a fourteen year old girl cannot consent to intercourse, so anything he may or may not have actually done to her is still R*PE, whether she seemed willing or not. I’m completely abhorred that a biographer would give a man like that such a large platform and not only that, but agree/go with the story he tells- I’m sickened by it

and god, his reasoning as to why he wouldn’t need to r*pe Priscilla is just the most insane thing I’ve ever read ⬇️

“I had at least ten girls that I could call any night and go have sex with them,” countered Currie. “I’m not bragging—at least ten. I didn’t need to rape anybody ”

excerpt is from “Child Bride” by Suzanne Finstad

okay like?? Ted Bundy had a longtime girlfriend and yet he still went out and s*xually assaulted and murdered women… what’s your point, Currie?

what also bothers me is that Suzanne Finstad is sitting on the full audio tapes of that conversation between Priscilla and Currie, and knowing her history of misquoting people and writing things that don’t line up with other testimonies, I wouldn’t be surprised in the very least if parts of that tape have been conveniently left out, or transcribed wrong, as she converted it from audio to text

like the whole 1961 photoshoot, as you mentioned, is something that I just wish I could hear Priscilla explain for herself

Priscilla Presley and Currie Grant in 1961

It does raise the question if what she said transpired was true why would she ever want to be alone with Currie again, and better yet, why would Elvis willingly put her in a situation like that?

Especially when he was aware of the attempted r*pe ⬇️

MARTY LACKER: “There was a guy who used to bring Priscilla around to Elvis’s house some, over there in Germany. He would take her home to her parents’ place, and then he’d go back to the barracks. Well, he was a scumbag. He was using cute little girls to get into the house, to be around Elvis. And he tried to put the make on Priscilla one night when he took her home. She says in her book that he tried to rape her. But he didn’t succeed. Elvis told us about it, himself”

excerpt is from “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia” by Alanna Nash

The only explanation in my mind that makes sense is that perhaps Currie Grant was Elvis’ only remaining contact in Germany- or at least the only person in contact with Priscilla- and since he was so desperate to see her again, maybe thought that the reward outweighed the risk

And obviously a 15-year-old Priscilla was still reeling over him leaving Germany and would likely agree to anything to please him…plus since it was Elvis who asked Currie to take the photos, maybe she thought if Elvis trusted him to do that, she could trust him as well ?

And although I doubt she intended too, Suzanne inadvertently said something similar when trying to do one of those logical fallacies that she does throughout the duration of “Child Bride” ⬇️

“Priscilla, despite her claim that Currie tried to rape her, was thrilled to oblige, “desperate” for word from Elvis, through Currie”

excerpt is from “Child Bride” by Suzanne Finstad

I feel like Suzanne is basically answering the dilemma herself despite her attempt to point out the inconsistency in Priscilla’s behavior (her being afraid of Currie, but also being around him)

Priscilla was willing to be photographed by her attempted assaulter as she was desperate for contact from Elvis and Currie just happened to be that link between them

and I have to say, my original response to the ask that I received about “Child Bride” was something that I was worried about posting as many of the more passionate anti-Priscilla crowd tend to treat it like it’s their Bible but WHEW- I am beyond relieved that so many people have also seen just how outrageous that book is, especially the narrative that Suzanne Finstad goes with- like as you said, trying to make a fourteen-year-old Priscilla out to be some “teenaged succubus” LMAOOO (that took me out 💀)

I honestly consider myself to be Priscilla-neutral despite what some people assume of me based on some my posts 🤧 and so because of that, I am very open to reading and discussing the valid criticisms against her HOWEVER- I have no time in my day to take someone like Currie Grant seriously so that is why the first half of “Child Bride” (chapters about Germany and what fourteen-year-old Priscilla may or may not have done) are just what ruin the whole book for me

And it’s a shame because again, there are some very valid things that Suzanne points out about Priscilla, especially the things that were left out of “Elvis and me”; like her inconsistencies in recalling certain events, her sometimes questionable character (treatment of others), her possible greed (suing and more suing) and the biggest one to me- her involvement in Scientology… but all of that is just dampered by Suzanne’s god awful commentary and god awful judgement

also girl please do not apologize for sending this in- I sincerely thank you for adding to the conversation about this book as I think these kinds of discussions are so beneficial and I’m just truly grateful to be able to have them with y’all- I’ve fr learned so much from your guys’ insight

and since there is such a surplus of information about Elvis (and Priscilla), I feel like the best way to navigate through it all is by breaking it down like this, and so if y’all ever want to talk about another book feel free to send in your thoughts <3!!!

#suzanne is twisted #and currie belongs underneath the prison #elvis presley #elvisaaronpresley #elvis #elvis history #elvis fans #elvis books #elvis fandom #elvis asks #suzanne finstad #priscilla presley #currie grant

[dareactions]

I just have a few requests x3

How about the companions react to a Young!Inquisitor reacting to solas's betrayal by saying this: "I dont know why I was surpprised, everyone I have ever loved has either left me,died,betrayed me somehow,or given me copious amounts of trauma. I'm kinda numb to it all at this point" and they stop hiding their emotions and they just look....so old? Like almost broken old?

I return just to hit y'all w the angst hammer im so sorry. (I'm not <3)

Solas goes first bcs he is a big meanie and should feel bad for hurting poor young!inquisitor smh

Solas: It's not the answer he expects or the response he wants. There's no doubt that he knew from the beginning that he'd hurt them, that no matter what happened they would look at him as if he'd lit their entire life on fire and watched it burn down but not once had he even considered that they'd look so- aged. There's a horrifyingly burning feeling in his chest and he wants to grab their shoulders and beg for them to be angry, kick, scream- do anything a normal person would. But instead, they're just staring at him so exhausted and for once Solas feels dread.

Cassandra: Her first initial feeling, is anger. Cassandra always responds to things with that first burst of fiery rage and need for justice, but once that passes it's just the need to protect. She finally understands her own brother, a bit. Cassandra helps in the only ways she knows, holding the Inquisitor until they finally let themself cry, and after that, she makes it her own personal life goal to cave in the skull of anyone who ever makes them make that expression again. She considers for just a moment if maybe she is part of the problem (she knows she is, she remembers the first time they met in that cell), but she can't bring herself to think about it.

Blackwall: He knows he is part of the problem, of that long list of people who have lied and turned tail when it came down to it. And fuck if he doesn't feel bad. Blackwall hates to admit that he is an expert in self-pity but he really can't help the wave of self-hatred that seeing the Inquisitor like that brings. He has never seen someone young seem so old but then he remembers young soldiers, young mages, and templars all with that same dead look in their eyes. Blackwall turns away, he might make them small trinkets and keep an eye on them but he is nowhere near brave enough to look them in the face for nearly a week after that.

Dorian: So, he is adopting them- everyone shut up, you don't get to pick. It's his younger sibling now and as their new legal guardian, he would want everyone to back the fuck off. Dorian is the most likely I think to fall into the attempts of regaining normalcy for the Inquisitor. He treats them the same, doesn't matter what horrifying piece of information they may have dropped he keeps the same level of jest and care between them. But he is more keen-eyed on making sure nobody gets too close, that nobody says something that no teenager or child should year. Nothing is more horrifying than a Pavus with protective habits, let me tell you that much.

Sera: I love Sera, but she is fucking horrid with the emotional support and she knows it. Sera will step around like she is walking on glass shards, get annoyed and say something bordering on insensitive and then realize what she has done- and try her best to mend things. Sera forgot their age, she said and had them help with things that maybe a child shouldn't deal with but no child in Ferelden isn't broken a little bit, so she isn't entirely sure how to navigate someone so numb to it all. Sera of course suggests crime, that always makes her feel better and it'll make them feel better for sure.

Iron Bull: See, the Inquisitor is a member of the Bull's Chargers. That means they're family and they're looking so fucking miserable and sad right now that it just means that he kicks into that need to protect. Bull knows better than to lean onto his past mistakes and regrets, think about everything he could've done better at this point to protect them. He just is more weary, more aware of their age- he does his best to keep some semblance of childhood in their life even if its far too late. And if things get too hard he pats their shoulder, leans down and reminds them 'horns pointed up, chin high' because nobody can take them down and if they are too numb to go on then he'll just have to re-ignite their flame.

Varric: Oh, he has seen that look before. Hawke carried it like a horrifying shadow of dread after their mom, after everything. He remembers the glazed over look, the empty tone of voice and the exhaustion. The way nothing is hidden on their face and he hates it. A part of Varric had promised himself to not let it get to this point, and he failed miserably. Varric never saw himself as much of a parental figure but somehow he falls into one pretty easily after that reveal, he is far less willing to let things slide. Varric is the first to admit he will put a bolt through Solas throat if he sees him again though.

Vivienne: She sees that expression, hears those words and she sees red. If you've ever seen this woman mad you've never seen her mad like this and it's like watching a mother lion with its cub. It's almost laughable when people try to get too close to do something after this, it's as if the Inquisitor has their own personal mom to freeze people at will now. She can't undo that hurt, she knows she can't, but she sure as hell can help them in the future.

Cole: Oh this poor lad, he feels that pain into his very core and it makes him feel like he will shatter and break himself. Cole is hovering, but not in the way that Cass of Vivienne is- he hovers in a surprisingly...helpful way. Cole whispers words of comfort, reminds them of the good and is well aware of when to be quiet. Sometimes he can help, not with everything, but this he can help with and he does so the only way he knows- words of truth and letting the Inquisitor wear his hat and hug him, obviously.

#its my comeback tour #cole #dragon age writing #dragon age inquisiton #cassandra pentaghast #vivienne de fer #blackwall #solas #iron bull #the iron bull #sera #dorian pavus #young!inquisitor #dragon age reacts

[confessions-official]

i feel like im so fundamentally different from everyone else. not in a "quirky omg not like other girls!!" way or whatever or in an edgy teenager way, not like there's anything wrong wiht that we all have our phases but. i've been called weird and strange and odd and every synonym of the words above a million times over my entire life and i've tried so hard to be like everyone else. i've tried time and time again and every single time i just come off as more weird or too much or too little or just too something. i just don't think i can anymore, i give up at this rate. but i've tried so many times. at this rate i just come off as intimidating and i think i'm done trying because it's better than coming off as awkward i guess. im kind of stuck in an infinite loop because i can only be around folks ive known for years to actually feel like i can exist without having to be somebody im not. i cant meet new people because im unapproachable, i hate being approached, and i cant approach people. i cant keep conversations going with folks i dont know or make small talk or greet them or whatever. im completely inapplicable to what most people consider a normal conversation. im generally just so outcast from everybody else and i can't figure out why. i try to observe people and i read article after article and try to look at their vocab and body language n whatnot but i just cant do it right. its like im missing one little piece of it and maybe that's it being natural but it's not like i can do that. i can't just "be myself" either, i've tried and it didn't work out for the better. i'm not a particularly bad person either, nobody's ever come to me to talk about anything of the sort like that and if i had hurt them in some way i apologized and quit doing x thing. i try literally so hard. i fight so desperately and yet all i get over and over nowadays is just "youre scary lol" or something of the sort. it's either that or the same old same old of being considered odd n whatnot. i dont know why but i cant fix it. it's not even my fault but its like im just somehow completely wrong or unacceptable or something. i think i give up on trying. i kind of expect im going to end up alone at some point if i lose like the one person im actually comfortable around but if the only way to get people to like me is to desperately attempt to be someone im not for the millionth time im not going to do that. this is frustrating and annoying and exhausting and i just cant deal with the constant repeats anymore. whats the point in trying to meet new people if they all act the same way about me and never tell me why i come across so out of place. this sucks. i dont know what im expected to do anymore

 

#confession

[bonesandthebees]

help, I am starting to lose myself in my glass ch28 brainrot note and I really want to finally put it together so I can shift into rose mode so im just gonna start putting my finished subsequents here

that being said dont expect any logical order whatsoever

1. wilbur vs the pythia + 2. others learning wilburs name

1. there was not a single slip into the pythia this is huge, didnt even get close to it and hes been so much more comfortable in his "wilbur", the progress just from before the palace is huge, like he told phil, it really did help him a lot to be able to move and and kill the pythia, leave it behind for good

and not just that, even his relationship with the title got better as a consequence of all this so when being called that while it did feel wrong it doesnt make him flinch, doesnt make him spiral or anything

its so satisfying to see it finally come to this, this is what the story has been going towards this whole time basically, or at least its the representation of wilbur finding himself which is the point of this story

2. I wonder if tommy felt a bit sad about wilbur telling his name to other people. bc it is losing a part of wilbur he only had for himself. and im sure that being happy for wilbur overweights it, but did he feel a sting of jealousy when he heard niki or tubbo use the name? I like to think he did, crimeboys unhealthy possesivity/dependence bond and all that. I like to think hes not perfect, even in his feelings about wilbur. feels fitting. and it shows that thoughts dont actually matter that much its how you act upon them/bc of them. nobody ever only thinks the right thing.

finally going to start working through your glass asks but don't expect any consistency with me answering these lol, I love hearing your thoughts though I promise!!

oh yeah I always knew from the start that I wanted the final chapter to be entirely 'wilbur' without slipping into 'the pythia' once. the pythia was left behind when the palace burned. wilbur is the one who survived. and now that he's finally accepted that he is a person, it's easier when he does get called the pythia because he knows that's not what he is anymore.

tommy was definitely a little bitter hearing others use wilbur's name. he's extremely possessive of wilbur's trust and liked being the only person who knew all these things about wilbur for the longest time. tommy's love for wilbur was never a proper healthy thing, and the dependency the two still have on each other is bound to cause problems in the future, but it works for them and tommy is able to put his jealousy aside for the time being because another part of him is still happy that wilbur has finally accepted his name and identity as his own

#ask #jiksvokrat #glass ch 28

[trainingdummyrabbit]

Tell us about The Guys what's their dynamic like

ok thats kind of on me for starting with the hardest character dynamic first

so. cocoa and luci. they're both characters that, narratively, are barely expected to be characters at all. let me explain. im entering unskippable cutscene mode. sorry <333

luci takes the role of the silly lil ai assistant... kinda. shes not supposed to be. shes Supposed to be just a basic guide/support mechanic, but she sure. Isn't. it was an accident. dont worry about it. nobody else did.

cocoa is cocoa. she wasn't always cocoa, but now she's all there is. easypeasy ^w^ she's like if an npc was a person, mostly. she just kinda stands or wanders around until shes needed, rarely speaks beyond basic preset responses, she just goes here :] shes just a silly lil thang, kinda confused but got the spirit, etc. And Also She Happens To Be The Highest Ranked Agent Here. dont worry about it. nobody else did.

they also happen to be, most likely, the two characters to change the most across the entire throughline. with like one exception, maybe. which is what makes this hard. im not going to waffle about too long, dont worry. probably. ill try.

so for a while it seems like...

...aka they dont seem to notice each other much at all. and it stays that way for pretty much the entire throughline! bbbecause everyones too busy running about to worry about The PA Voice and Their Shockingly Chill Coworker. unfortunately, The Problems.

see, they're both burying the lead. Hard.

because luci is The problem. Capital. as something that Super isnt supposed to be conscious (let alone alive,) she has a Lot of shit to figure out. and a Lot of issues. it takes a while for her to figure out her bearings (no thanks to everyone else, who was too busy squabbling about a "data compromise" and ""trying to find a new manager"". eyeroll.) but more or less, she's decided:

1) humans are fucking annoying. they worry about so much mess, care about all the wrong stuff, and insist on shoving it on other people. unfortunately, they're also deeply entertaining. theres 100% a superiority complex going on there. 2) she has Got to become something else. she wants something. deeply and desperately. its just... well, she's still figuring out what that is.

luci, as a character, is obsessed with Character and Relevancy. the deepest throes of passion and hatred, desire and purpose. to know for certain what your place is. (this doesnt say anything about her.) those that burn brightly like that never seem to die. not truly. (this says absolutely nothing about her.) to become a single, unshakable, irreplaceable star. (this means absolutely nothing about anything to her.)

and one of those things that grabbed her attention the most was that of abnormalities. irreplaceable, undying, bastions of Meaning. That was what it was. unfortunately, as Emotion isnt one of the things that she's inherently built with, it becomes a bit of an issue.

thus begs the question: how do you bring out that spark in something? and well, that's not a question she has the information to answer. however, if theres one thing shes good at, its Fucking Around And Finding Out ! and well, if there's some collateral damage or casualties about it, well. oops. not like they ever cared about death and the like here before. soooo whatever ^w^

and well, she has to practice her ominous dialogue with Someone who won't rat her out, soooo...

cocoa, on the other hand, is... well, she's different, for sure. that wasnt always her name, for one. or i guess, it always was. if i tried to explain her entire deal id be here another 10 paragraphs or so, but to make a long story short... living under the specific pressure that the city pushes onto its residents is taken better for some than others. cocoa is not one of these. the constant pressure of needing to provide and prove your worth to forces beyond your control put a ridiculous amount of strain on her, and even still, it could decide to snuff you out without a moments notice on a whim. and well, there's little you can do when you're someone like her.

its something she tried to bottle up for a long, long time. unfortunately, making it into Lcorp did not, in fact, help with this At All. and all of that dread and paranoia, the misguided self loathing, and the sheer inescapability of it all... well, of course she snapped. it wasn't anything loud, bombastic. just quiet. quietly, whoever it was that she used to be had vanished in an instant, snuffed by her own hand, before anything else could get the chance to do it first. and what remained was cocoa! a name to an absence. more Function than Person, she simply... became what was needed of her. and nothing more. and unfortunately, with how everything else was... this change slipped completely under the radar. for all except for one witness.

it doesnt mean anything to her. (it cant mean anything to her. not yet.)

all of that happens before the story even begins.

unfortunately, a superiority complex + the inability to process your own flaws + being allowed to be in control completely unchecked for an extended period of time allows luci to. spiral. to put it bluntly.

it becomes a horrible little race to figure out what exactly is going on before too many people end up dying in horrible ways. luci simply watches them run in circles like little mice. by the time they manage to scramble together enough to confront her, its a tiny group of maybe 4 against luci... and also cocoa. who, in trying to avoid thinking too hard about the meddling that luci was doing and the holes poked in her persona by the rest of the cast over time, has once again completely shut off in favor of simply doing whatever was asked of her. and well, luci was technically the one who had the authority to be dealing out directions, so... well. not gonna think about it too hard. shes had to suppress other agents before, so...

this, ultimately, becomes where cocoa's arc comes to a head. as stable as she seemed, turns out she was constantly teetering on a very dangerous edge. that edge between allowing outside influence, the bravery and will to push, to face uncertainty and risk... and erasing yourself entirely, forgoing the harms of failure and performance in favor of becoming something more akin to a tool, unable to perceive, but also unable to be hurt.

luci believes she knows cocoa. she's seen the depths of her-- she thinks-- has seen the dissatisfaction, the fear, the rage, the desire to reach and tear what she wants from anyone she can reach. for just a brief moment, she'd seen all of it, just before cocoa became... cocoa. and she sees herself in that. sympathy was not something that was afforded to her. it was not in her capability to feel that attachment. (it doesnt mean anything to her.) they were the same, werent they? held back by things out of their control. (it means absolutely nothing to her.) so it would be a kindness-- no, an act of pity, to grant this one the ability to truly Feel that, to Understand the self in its entirety. grant her that freedom. (it means absolutely nothing about anything to her.)

but to cocoa... this was just another will overriding her own. the reason something snapped-- she wanted to do good. to be good. but this world does not allow it. shes angry, yes. more than anything. but shes angry because of her own perceived uselessness. more than anything, she's exhausted. that buildup of anger and resentment-- it was something she desperately didn't want to inflict on others. so instead, she turned those teeth inward, and tore herself out for the crime of feeling. she doesnt want to act. she doesnt want to run. she doesnt want to be anything. she just wants to rest.

luci, insistent on her correctness but inherently oblivious, convinced she is giving a gift to someone she has done nothing but harm. and cocoa, afraid to let down the veneer of distance, to allow herself to want and hope-- afraid to take on the responsibility of being a Person again. but these two werent the only players in the game.

and well. cocoa makes her decision.

#piktalk #pikocs #projmoon #LONG ASS POST OK <333 they drive me fuckig insane ok 👍 #anyway originally luci didnt feel much of anything towards cocoa other than the opportunist instinct #but she just. Decided. that she really liked this one. about as much as she could. and well. ok. Ok! Sure! Okay!!!!!! #given the time she couldve genuinely come to care about her i think. or smthn synonymous. unfortunately; the god complex. #and the unable to process emotions thing. and the inability to listen. and the hardcore projection. and-- . #cocoa never really Cared about her. she simply did her job. it took until well near the end for her to start getting annoyed tbh #she just. represses everything so goddamn hard she doesnt. notice. luci crossed Way Too Many Lines though-- #--it was what pushed her into starting to try again. kind of. it was a final; desperate 'this cant be all there is.' #luci honestly barely even processes she's Particularly upset about it-- its. its a long ass story ok. she is so much All The Time. ok 👍 #anyway luci is kind of me taking some of angela's thematics and shaking them around violently until some new freak came of it #and cocoa is cocoa. Shes Cocoa !