talkorsomething

[talkorsomething]

I just found out that i DO have an electric trimmer (not for beards). Infinite power has been given to me...

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #trans ftm #transmasc #i dont know how to use it though ........... do i figure it out today and potentially fuck it up or wait until after guard season is over #i feel like i could do it. but also #idk how long we've had it... maybe forever?!

[talkorsomething]

Fun first night at dayton :) no bracelets made yet. Didn't enjoy the long trip, but it was only like ...... eight...? hours??? which is still a lot, but it gave us more time to decompress at the hotel, which was nice.

That being said, we are a MENACE to hotels everywhere. I'm glad a couple other guards are staying here too, because at least they might understand...

We're preforming in the early afternoon, so I can get away with staying up a little later, at least! That's nice?

Anyways, day of chaos tomorrow. Hope I survive!

#winterguard #winter guard #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging

[talkorsomething]

My one (1) legally allowed daytonpost of the day as follows:

Did not get to help load props due to Circumstances™️ making me decide to arrive fashionably late. Put my backpack in the trailer anyways (let's all hope the chocolate doesn't melt too bad...!)

It's now late of the day & I am ...... tired. Probably because i had to go drive and also it got WARM today. Like, summer warm almost. And I have a hard time functioning when it's warm, so ...... that's it I guess.

Still have to make bread. Should probably do quick bread so I can monitor it before I go to bed... oh, and shower, too. And ... I have to remember a certain handheld device!!! I can get that in the morning, though. Charge my phone also...

I think first order of business is shower. And then we can think of next order of business. (Make bread?)

Now, let's all hope I can make it to our meetup point tomorrow without issue! Let alone forgetting something at home, I'm worried I'll get lost! I have to leave relatively early to when I get up, too...

I hope tomorrow goes well! I'm lifting the one daytonpost a day ban then, since going to dayton kind of counts as dayton. But also, i will be busy being in a car, so, actual postage during dayton may vary. We'll see!

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging #i ALSO altered my binder slightly again as it was bothering me... uhm lets hope i dont break any ribs at dayton either. that would be sad.

[talkorsomething]

Washed my costume & my binder ... honestly after having to wash the costume in the SINK all season washing my binder is so easy. Swish swish bitch you're clean now. (Still smells bad but that is because we have the unscented soap + i have been very lax about washing it during the season lol)

I didn't plan anything else to do today ... i could ask the group which extra game they want me to bring, maybe? And POSSIBLY wash the dishes so making bread to take with me isn't such an ordeal but uhm . We have Giant Ants in our kitchen and i hate them. But I don't think I've washed a dish in like at least two months so ... enrichment. If I do it, anyways. Not like there's much else to do?

Have to remember to practice later, if the wind will allow it. Do all the stretching & warmups, at least! I felt so sore yesterday and it was only partially because i actually got to help with the floor. Also i did not do any warmups and was only outside practicing flag work so considering dayton is TWO DAYS AWAY!!!!!!! I should ............ try to actually do that.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #daytonblogging #tangentially winterguard related #this is my one daytonpost of the day ... but i have nothing more substantial to say i'm just excited :)

[talkorsomething]

i hate having Multiple Bags™️ so for dayton i'm trying to fit everything in my backpack + messenger bag (lot of space, going to be mostly just holding bread).

Really i wanted to see if I could take Only my backpack, but there's juuust enough extra things i want to take that it's not feasible ... totally smuggling candy in, though. Who are you to begrudge a man his snacks anyways, wgi 🤨

#winterguard #winter guard #daytonblogging #i have to go help load our props on tuesday ... so close yet so far away #i'm bringing like 2 games one of which has kind of a large box so that takes up some extra space lol. my costume ... #the less said about that the better. i roll it because folding is a nightmare and it is still Large #i guess i should limit myself to one daytonpost a day. well anyways i've made more bracelets #spent an hour trying to do a ladder cuff for introspection and then undid it because ladder cuffs SUCK #so anyways . are any of you going to dayton at all or am i the only one on tumblr whos going lol

[talkorsomething]

WE DID SO GOOD!!! Next up: dayton!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still not sure whether we're technically participating in the bracelet trade or not but by god someone will get my morse code bracelets. They WILL be distributed

#winterguard #winter guard #we went up 3 points!!! past the threshold where our director wouldve been uhm . Not Happy. #i'm so excited for dayton can you tell #i have NO REASON to be its just. dayton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i'm so ready !!!!!!

[talkorsomething]

I blinked and then it was april OOPS i promise i did see all ur replies .......

@borzoibabe wouldn't have been my first thought, but i respect it. thanks :-) google search beauty pageant youtube

@hyruleforests hmm, i've never really had to think about acting, either... 🤔 i don't know that we really have "characters" haha, not in the way i understand it anyways.

I think our senior guard might talk on the floor which is SO WEIRD to me like ,,, huh you what,,,,,, how ,,,,,, to be fair i'm not actually sure if anyone ELSE is talking but i don't think so. I'm not even sure if they count out loud while we're preforming? If they are I can't hear it ... lol. Thank you & good luck to you (if ur season is still going) as well!

@firstglancefeelingonnewyorktime

yeah, i'm ... aware 😅 but seeing as i am counting & focused on what i'm doing almost every second i'm on the floor it tends to give a different preformance vibe than if I was actually smiling, y'know?

@ieatpaint69 YEAH i get it ... I've gotten to the point by now where I can Sort Of have a Pleasant Expression™️ so i just go with that & hope nobody mentions it lol.

(Indirectly i think they have? Like, last practice they said we need to be putting more into preformance and im like. Im TRYING what more do you WANT from me >:( )

Anyways thanks to everyone again!!! Each week I get like 0.2% better so something must be working :)

ok so i gotta preface this w/ i am autistic but like, only very minorly so i understand & can make "proper" facial expressions and whatever

But! Hey tumblr guardies i am In The Tags again. With a question!

. . .

Um so how do you like smile While Counting because i can't (yet) count in my head & our instructors are starting to get on us about not smiling T_T i'm trying my best to present up so i at least have that going for me, but every time my "performing now" face is literally like 😐 ...

I dont want to get yelled at for not doing it but i dont get how im supposed to without counting in my head (& then getting off beat because i tend to count fast) .........

#long post #(sort of) #no id #i still believe in my heart we are going to kill it at dayton. no i am not biased what do you mean #(..we have a comp between now & next week so that exists i GUESS but it does not register in my mind) #(no thoughts only dayton)

[talkorsomething]

This is it lads i think i might be ready to trans it up at dayton in a week

#theres like an inch of binder panel space not being used LOL #trans ftm #transmasc #binder #like . the stitching may now be more susceptible to pulling out but WHO CARES theres an inch of rib space no longer complaining at me #i did stretch a neck muscle weird though so we're hoping thats a side effect of the original length i stitched it down to #next test: can i .... can i get through warmups without dying ....... god please let me be able to practice in my binder #it would be way better than having to switch out comp days ....... i dont even do that but i dont want to. lol

[talkorsomething]

I guess it's because the season is so long that i've gone from digging myself back out of the pit to ...progress? Maybe? to whatever this is, shovel in hand again.

Well, I'm trying. Not that "trying" is good enough, but... that's where we're at.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #not sure what started it this time tbh. i mean - i HAVE been in maintenence mode since ... pretty much the beginning of the season to now #but like i can tell when its worse yknow? when i get stuck again. but i can almost never point to the root cause ... #hell for all i know it's the weather. april sure can Rain! #i dunno. anyways hey dayton is in a week that's cool! #i have made bracelets regardless of whether we're participating in the trade or not i have a will i shall find a way #morse code in beads is really fun btw i reccomend it. interesting patterns! only technically need 2/3 colors at a time!

[talkorsomething]

Trying to tell myself something is better than nothing while also knowing i'm lazy as shit. Yes we will be doing something but at what cost

#winterguard #(related anyways this is primarily a vent blog sorry) #dayton in a week! dayton in a week! apparently i will die if i practice! #we have 5 dance warmups & ive only done 2 of them so far yesterday and today #no stretching either . i have landed in the hell dimension #where i so desparately want to do things & then I JUST DONT #like ????????? @ me make up ur mind jesus christ

[talkorsomething]

I think ... this week I'm gonna mess with my binder more. At least take the straps back out by ½ an inch because uh ... theyre a bit too short, now! Oh well. Learning.

#100% секретный денвник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #trans ftm #transmasc #binder #so I have to do that -> assess new look and fit and THEN decide if i want to redo the sides or not... #i feel mildly bad for 'wasting' thread but how am i going to get anywhere if i don't LEARN #also im normal now btw. idk what happened last week but maybe i needed a reset... whos to say. #but yea as far as the binder goes we've swung back to the possibility of 'im doomed forever' #idk ... but on the bright side if i can make it work this week i'll be ready to completely trans it up at dayton!

[talkorsomething]

I'm posting it for tumblr!!! I can't work instagram search so i can't find anything to back this up ... so, if anyone has that, that would be nice lol. I'm scared to ask my group with nothing but a random reddit post as my source....

I want to do this though if I can :-) even though i have no idea what dayton is even like yet, haha

#winterguard #winter guard #colorguard #color guard

[talkorsomething]

right wait the THIRD POST in a row because i dont feel like reblogging really long posts over and over.

I have been thinking about doing ... what i did on sunday ... for at least a WEEK straight. Like, every time i went to bed: first thing on my mind. I dont think thats very hashtag mentally stable of me but i dont know why its happening either

#sh tw #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im becoming a serial poster over here apparently #drectly related to the previous two posts #*directly... sigh. who needs to type anyways #you could argue i just spent like two hours explaining why i feel like shit but i will pretend not to hear you. i am very normal this way #also i know tumblr isnt exactly censorship central but i am a little unsure about The Rules here like... aside from the #conspicuous trigger tag what am i allowed to say... im not encouraging or posting photos im just explaining ....... idk im worried anyways

[talkorsomething]

Oh yeah did you know that tumblr has a tag limit of 30 btw. I wasnt even really done I could probably talk myself in circles about this for like literally forever because it pisses me off that much. Both the circumstances in general and also that i'm pissed about them.

I guess it's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner. It has been a long, long time since I decided I wouldn't let myself cry, and somehow it's not even what got me INTO this mess. But it probably doesn't help either.

You know, when you stop doing the things you love, it's hard to tell whether it's burnout or actual depression. I don't think I'd know what depression is if it bit me in the face, to be honest. In any case, I'm doing things again, so obviously it can't be that, right...?

Well, currently I'm a pretty all or nothing guy. Sure - why NOT spend three and a half hours on the art side of a project in a day? Especially when you haven't been really drawing in literal years?

Why not write a song in two hours? Why not write the entire next chapter of your novel?

...

It's not really sustainable. Once I stopped having to pour my energy into avoiding another relapse, i think... I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't for a while. It starts being a problem when you realize you don't know how to start doing what you used to love again.

If all my hobbies are gone and I leave them there... what else is there to do?

I miss drawing. I miss writing. I miss coding, even, and I'm willing to bet that's what I could pull myself back into the easiest, since it's less of a creative pursuit.

You know, I let myself stop trying to talk so much when I didn't have anything to say last summer. I let a lot of things in life just happen to me. It's how you wake up one day and realize a sketchbook that used to take two years, maybe, to fill out took you a very long four.

I know. Shit happens. You grow up, you don't have time. Except...

It's hard to do anything else when you've backed yourself into a corner.

I think we can't talk anymore because I tried to take initiative in my life, for once. Because you saw a good opportunity and took it.

I can't mess up one time without having it taken away from me. There's no second chance - at this point in [my life], it's either right or it's right.

I need the space and I should not be allowed to get it, because at this point it's not like I can quit. I don't want to! I wish I could.

Well, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. I guess that goes for both of us. I got myself into this, and now, well...

I can get out. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I'll wonder how I even felt.

(Angry, mostly.)

I'm doing this for you. So that you don't have to confront the fact that the world doesn't work like you think it does, that everything has a clear-cut answer. That I am just unambitious in life, that I just don't want to. Because the words "I can't" should never be in anyone's vocabulary.

I'm doing this so I don't have to feel what you really think of me. It's selfish. It's safe.

I think we can't talk anymore because I wanted to do something, for once.

#long post #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #sh tw #directly related to my previous post #anyways that early bed time sure is great isnt it . isnt it. #although i think i do have a drink left out that I should finish if i didn't already #...i dont even know if i ate today. moving on. #i THINK i typed it all out this time but in reality the minute i start going to bed i am going to think about it & #get irrationally upset again. i dont even know... #its either one or the other apparently since i'm doing decent so far at practicing flag work this week #if everything in my life could just work out PERFECTLY for once that would be nice ............ #(this will never happen since i am a hashtag underacheiver despite wanting nothing more than to get really good at guard as soon as i can) #'oh just practice more' im TRYING. my brain wont LET me. #(or really probably i just dont want it as much as i think i do or something stupid like that. i dunno. clearly.)

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[talkorsomething]

3rd update. (I'll make another post if it gets longer i guess.)

Took in the shoulders to what amounted to 2 ½ inch seam allowance. That's 5 INCH OF SHOULDER. Although it probably should have been 4...

I also took out the extra, closer zigzag on both sides because it worried me a bit. Jury's out on whether that helped or hindered because i forgot to take a photo, but ... wow.

It's still not THAT much of a difference, but i think this time it's actually there! ...regrettably, with a much more visible neckline. Oops... if it tears out next i wash it I'll just put it back at a two inch seam allowance.

Sitting down - again - I don't think it's doing much more for me. I'll wear it tomorrow and then redo it in the evening if I don't like it*, but... technically this is probably safer. Especially since i don't think my shoulder width will have changed by much, if at all - I still need to get it on...!

* i might also just redo it tonight again

Just took ~2 inches off my binder thereby confirming That Shit Was Not Binding

honestly it doesn't look that much different *now* but it feels a lot more Squish & i can't pull it on so easy. No stitches heard ripping ... so maybe yay?

We'll see how I really feel about it saturday.

#for a long time i've wondered if my case is just hopeless and rhe answer seems to be: #sort of. but also try a binder that's actually supposed to fit. #oh and as for why the absurd seam allowance: dont want to cut it in case i get actually fat again

[talkorsomething]

hm, actually...

It really is just about the same. Just, i tailored the extra length of the binding panel closer to my body ....

Sigh. Whatever. Adjustments to be made:

* take in the sides a bit more. Half inch further back? Or take it all out & do a full inch both sides -> go from there.

* take in straps also. Willing to bet that's part of it.

Just took ~2 inches off my binder thereby confirming That Shit Was Not Binding

honestly it doesn't look that much different *now* but it feels a lot more Squish & i can't pull it on so easy. No stitches heard ripping ... so maybe yay?

We'll see how I really feel about it saturday.

#i sit down and it's like nothing changed at all............... #like come on **I** can squish my boobs more than that you are Weak.