#and it makes me fucking angry too because I hate being misunderstood but I also can't let the people understand me

[steelthroat]

I was painting and the religious-fanatic teacher came to me and started asking questions about my work. I answered them and I was ready to go on with my day and she goes "we used to talk more when you were well..."

And I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her like "wtf" because lady you are under 2 wrong assumptions here:

I would let YOU of all people be aware of my mental state or personal life or anything that concerns ME at all.

That we had some kind of amicable relationship to begin with? No, I don't know how you got the wrong impression since I just ever talked to you after I disagreed with your views, criticized you and almost fought with you because you said something both incredibly stupid and triggering... just because I've kept things civil doesn't mean I don't consider you anything other than a pretentious asshole.

The audacity of this woman, to think she can come to me and act all motherly and attentive while trying to get her nose in my personal life while bringing up a past bond which never fricking existed????? What like do you miss our disagreements???

And I just told her, "But... I'm good tho" which is not 100% true, but that's none of her business anyway

And she goes "yeah but you were even better"

BITCH????? No I wasn't? I'm not doing super now but I've vastly improved since last year so idk are you tripping or something???? And then she says something else about my work and keeps talking to me and I'm being civil and cordial because I'm not a rude asshole even if he doesn't even deserve this courtesy for the way she treats us.

Idk what's wrong with her, like she thinks I'm some kind of "problematic kidTM" for the way I look who needs salvation?? Which is not true, I don't need you as a mother. I already have a loving family and friends. Thank you and get the hell away from me????

And even if I were looking for someone's help for anything, I would NEVER in a hundred thousand years go to her for it. Not even for a broken nail lol.

She would probably tell me to go to church and confess or some shit. She already told me to call a confessor for my grandma because she had a little accident when she heard me talking about it with someone else... fkn hell.

#the art school adventures are back #she makes me irrationally angry #steel rambles #I hate it when people assume things about me #and when they try to get close when I've made it clear I don't want them to #because fucking hell I know how it plays out and these people ever have goog intentions even if they think they do #becaus eyou don't force someone to get close to you #it either happens ornit doesn't #also because these peopel try to get close to me WHILE assuming wrong things about me so I just can't have normal interactions #because they're just so fucking certain they understood how I function and even having a heart to heart conversation doesn't do shit #they just can't see me as anything else #and it makes me fucking angry too because I hate being misunderstood but I also can't let the people understand me #because then I'm too vulnerable to them and their manipulation #so idk I guess I prefer being perceived as a “problematic youth” instead of letting her any closer because fuck no she gives me the creeps. #or bad vibes #yeah creeps is too strong of a word #honestly I'm tired of fighting and always feeling on the edge #and it doesn't get easier #or better #but i hate it.

[pillowmoment]

“he’s not evil he’s just misunderstood” is the WORST excuse of character behavior in the goddamn book

Ok so let me explain why. I know this is often a joke, but many people use it unironically and it bothers me to hell and back

basically, this explanation is far too vague to combat any point made against a character. It’s not an argument. It sounds very dismissive and comes from a place of denial.

often when characters are considered evil, it is because they commit to actions or words that are directly harming, usually, our protagonist, or other characters.

I only bring it up because wheatley has been floating around in my mind lately, and this excuse is used on him a lot?

i’ve already analyzed him and why: no, he’s not evil, but he’s certainly not innocent. And he’s not morally gray either. He’s on a weird dot that keeps sliding around. But it’s always on the same Y-axis. His character is constant.

i’ll explain as fast as possible here so this doesn’t end up being the whole post. But, in short:

wheatley is a flawed character from the start of the damn game. He’s overly anxious, has low self-esteem, impulsive, and doesn’t think before he acts, but he’s also weirdly cocky and egotistical. He’s also incredibly self-aware. He cares too much about his image and is entirely aware of his flaws, and tries to make up for them. He’s just bad at it. He has some amount of trauma regarding the facility, clearly illustrated in his extreme fear of GLaDOS, and his tendency to lament upon, and get upset with the past. none of this changes when he takes control of the facility. While he seems less anxious in those final moments before.. well, you know what. This is likely because he feels comfortable around Chell, and also has this need to prove himself to GLaDOS, who is insanely critical of him. when he takes control, again, NOTHING changes. He is still as flawed as before. Yet his ego suddenly skyrockets, because he’s in control now! He’s in a respectable position, and a position of power, isn’t he? But he is still criticized by GLaDOS. This literally sends him spiraling. Now that he knows Chell probably hates him too, there’s nothing more to do but try and make himself seem scary, since he thinks that it’s what made people respect GLaDOS. This also doesn’t work. As his mental state gets worse and worse, his bad traits become more and more pronounced. He’s reckless and aggressive. Until eventually it all spills over. His own actions, technically, lead to his own demise. If he hadn’t been so confident in his deeply flawed plan to kill chell and glados, he probably wouldn’t have ended up in space. If he hadn’t been so restless and angry, he would’ve pushed to keep testing, and everyone would’ve probably died in a massive explosion when the place self destructed.

he is not evil. He is not innocent. He is FLAWED. He can’t just be placed on a scale of “good or evil.” That doesn’t take his character into account at all. He’s a really good example of a complex character. He can’t be simplified into “good guy” or “bad guy”

he can be boiled down to an antagonist, but that doesn’t automatically equal evil.

and this can be said about MANY characters people often defend with the empty excuse of “nobody understands them!”

A handful of my favorite characters are often defended this way, and it completely erases anything that makes them unique.

they aren’t misunderstood. They tried to fucking kill people. There’s no justification for that. motivation is such an important thing to consider, and i feel many people skip over it when it comes to commonly debated characters. Why did they do it? Was it because they felt like the needed to defend themselves? Or was it because all that emotion had been sitting in their stomach for so long and now it’s twisted into nothing but a desire to hurt people?

You cannot say you like a character if you ignore their complexity and everything that makes them unique.

It bugs me so much that a lot of Wheatley fans just say he’s innocent.

his villain arc is so IMPORTANT to his character. His bad traits are so fucking important. He wouldn’t be the same without them. Ignoring them means you’re viewing the character like the cover of a book, and completely ignoring it’s interior. All you see of them is a hollow shell. There’s nothing to it. Nothing to enjoy.

For the love of god stop excusing characters actions just because you like them. I adore wheatley, he’s been so important to me for a very long time. But i’m not going to sit here and say he’s not a bad person because i like him. He’s a bad person and i love that for him. It’s what makes me love him.

at the same time, it’s also not good to be overly critical of a character, because you are also missing the entire point of their existence. Like i said, characters can’t be simplified into one or the other.

ok rant over.

#portal 2 #wheatley #Ranting #rant #grrrrr #:3 #feel free to add ur own opinions on this post! #I love reading people’s thoughts on this stuff #Especially in regards to wheatley #He’s so cool…. #You know whenever i see people hate him i always think #Like… god forbid a woman do anything… am i right?

[hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall]

True feelings

Pairing: Crosshair x F!Reader 

Words:  9 064

Warning: Angst, fluff, mentions of deaths,

Summary: Crosshair is a dick, but you still love him.

A/N: I haven't double-checked, cause if I did I would have never posted it... I apologise my dear, beautiful anon that asked for this. It has taken ages, but I hope this one is to your liking :) (despite I changed it a bit when I now think abotu it... Sorry :( ) - If you hate it I will try again soon :)

I also post on AO3, if anyone’s interested :) 

“You’re angry”, normally his voice would make you melt, but not today. You were tired. You were supposed to go home, take a bath, relax. But here you were, at 2 a.m. patching up that idiot because he couldn’t have just waited until morning. 

“Am not”, you barked at him, tapping the blooded wound, a bit harsher than it was necessary, ignoring the little hiss from him. A part of you knew he was exaggerating, as always. A damn drama queen. All this was just a show. The wound wasn’t even that bad. You were sure Tech with his medical knowledge would be able to patch him up. Damn, even Hunter wouldn’t fuck it up. And yet, here you were, bandaging this big baby, because you knew you couldn’t say no to him. 

“You’re a terrible liar”, he continued, not getting a point across, that you weren’t in a mood to talk. And so you rolled your eyes and put on a protective layer of bandage on it and sighed, while cleaning up the place around. No reminder of it being clean, before he came to you. “Isn’t it your job to take care of us?” You turned at him and sent him one your death stare, weaker now that you were more than tired. You didn’t even care about fighting him. After all that was what he was here for. Most of the time. Just to annoy the hell out of you. And for some reason you loved that about him. 

“You’re welcome, Crosshair!” You murmured and shook your head. There was no way you would get tangled in his little game. You haven’t slept for almost three days, and you really needed your bed right now. And arguing with the Clone would only postpone your rest with at least an hour or two. 

“Again, it was your job to help me, so…” 

“What's your kriffing problem, Crosshair!” you hissed, angry at yourself he got under your skin so easily. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes, shaking your head. “You know what? Never mind. My job, as you nicely put it, is done here. I’m going to sleep.” 

“Must be exhausting to sit in this safe little barrack all day and enjoy the safety of the Coruscant.” That was Crosshair at its best. Despite knowing he was a jerk, despite his words cutting deeper than any knife, despite his overall, misunderstood annoyance towards you, here you are always there for him. Always being ready to help him and his brothers. A one call, a word that he would be back and you would abandon anything only to make sure he was safe. Just like today. In the beginning you would lie to yourself, trying to believe, you were like that towards the whole Batch, but when even Echo gave you that smirk one day, you knew it was a lie. And despite having those bizarre and pathetic feelings towards the Sniper, he was still nothing but a jerk to you. 

“It’s how he is”, Wrecker once told you, but you knew it was way beyond that. You saw Crosshair with his brother, hell he wasn't like that even with the Regs. You never asked, too afraid to know the truth. Being close to him in those few moments was enough for you, at least that’s what you believed, what you wanted to believe. Yet another lie. 

You didn’t even know how to answer that. Not like he wasn’t right. You were safe here, no War surrounded you, you weren’t on the battlefield. You were just a station medical help. And despite knowing it all, it still hurts hearing him say it. You hoped he would at least respect your work a bit, but it seemed it was again another lie. How many times can a person lie to themselves before it becomes pathetic?  

And so you packed your bag, unable to even look at him. Because if you did you would lose any composure, already so damn close to losing yourself to a sob that is threatening to come. Putting everything away, you turned off all the equipment and stood at the doors. When he didn’t move you sighed and turned off the light. 

“Make sure you change it in the morning, Corporal.” And you left, not caring how petty it was to call him by his ranks. If he wanted to act like any other Trooper around here then beat it. You would treat him that way. And before you even left the barracks, you let the tears fall down, hoping no one would see you. 

***

“I hope you were nice to her.” Hunter murmured, when his brother came back to the ship. They decided to stay on the planet to refill and actually rest a bit. Letting Crosshair get checked up. “She looked tired.” 

“Well, she did her damn job, so what’s the issue?” He barked at his brother, walking towards his bed, ignoring the stare from the Sergeant. 

“Well, that went well.” Echo murmured, making Hunter sigh in annoyance. “Has he ever told you what the issue is with our little medic?” 

“I kriffing wish! He’s just getting more and more snappy whenever he sees her. Like a damn spoiled brat!” Echo chuckled at it and patted his brother on the shoulder. “She’s got a terrible taste in men!” 

“I told her the same thing!” 

***

It’s been a while since you’ve seen the Batch. They were off to whatever planet and you were left alone again. Well, not really alone. You were surrounded by Clones and Jedi and other medics and yet you felt lonely. And hurt. Crosshair's words were still cutting deep and you couldn’t get them out of your head. Maybe that’s why when the opportunity to join a small team of Clones to one of the missions came up, you were more than ready to join. You’ll show him. You weren’t just a nobody that spends her time in a safe barrack. You are a capable medic, able to do her job wherever. At least that’s what you were telling yourself at night, when you were unable to sleep. 

You didn’t know the details of the mission. It was a last minute thing and you were just being lucky (or unlucky, as some thought) that you were at the right place at the right time. A medic was needed and you were a medic. Easy as that. Your first field mission. And so you packed whatever you may need, reading everything that there was to read. At least whatever was given to you about the field missions. Nothing new really. You were meant to stay back and only go out of the hiding when the fight was over, to patch up the actual soldiers. It felt new, exciting, but still you could imagine Crosshair's snarky comment about “always hiding”. 

No! It was something new and exciting for you. You would not let that man destroy it for. You will kill that mission and when the Batch is back, you will proudly tell him to shove his opinion up his ass. And maybe, just maybe, he would start to act normal towards you. You didn’t expect him to be nice to you, but at least respect you for a human being, for a medic, for your job. 

“You look ready!” You jumped at the voice behind you and smiled, seeing a familiar face. “You packed for at least a week?”

“Yes, Sir!” Cody smiled at you and looked at the special bag near your legs. “I don’t know how Kix does it, really! I packed and unpacked at least five times, unsure what I would need.” 

“Don’t worry, kid. Knowing Tech, they would have a nice medical back up on the ship.” Your smile dropped hearing the name. No. That was not possible. Your first field mission could not be with the Batch. Not with him. “You ok?” 

“You have got to be kidding me”, something big in your stomach dropped, hearing the sneering hiss behind you. A voice you knew well already. And a voice you hoped not to hear for a while yet. 

***

“We need to make sure that these bases are destroyed alright. These aren’t big, but are guarded well, so we would need a special team to infiltrate them.” Cody briefed them in, but you weren’t able to focus. You tried hard not to look at Crosshair who was looking at the map, with the same bored stare as always. Leaning on the wall, biting on his damn toothpick, he looked even more pissed than ever. And that itself pissed you off. He had no reason to act like that. It was your first mission being screwed because he was being a part of him. And yet, that stupid part of you was so happy to be able to go on a mission with him. 

“So why do we need a civic with us?” Crosshair finally asked, his glare directed at you, his toothpick still between his teeth, angrily being bitten by its owner. You weren’t sure if you wanted to be that toothpick, or wanted to use it to stab him with it and watch him bleed out. Maybe both. 

“Maybe those bases don’t look tough, but there are quite a lot of them there”, Cody answered, looking between the Sniper and you, apparently unaware of the ‘lovely’ relationship between the two of you. “You need a medic, and as we are a bit behind with the Clone medical team, we are accepting the help from civilians. And you will need a medic on that mission. Having only Tech as your medic isn’t going to be enough this time, no offense.” He looked at Tech, who nodded, almost not paying attention to his words, already planning something out. “Our little friend here has saved many asses back at Coruscant. She will be a good help to you as well.” 

“Oh, we are familiar with our little medic”, Hunter murmured and you couldn’t help but chuckle, nodding to Cody. 

“Who do you think patches them up when they land at Coruscant?” The Commander smirked and came back to the map. 

“There is no timeline for this, but I advise you that when you start the operation you don’t stop for too long before you take out the other bases.” His eye landed on Echo and there was a minute, you thought he was about to say something, but he only nodded and left you all, probably going to his own briefing. 

“Your first field mission, kid! How ya feeling?” You raised your brow at Hunter and sighed, unable to stop the giddy smile from showing. 

“Quite excited if I’m being honest!” 

“Great! That’s what we needed a civic for whom that whole damn War is some kind of a game!” You turned towards the Clone and opened your mouth to say something, but stopped when he took some steps towards you, stopping centimeters away from you. You could feel his breath on you, if you raised your hand, you would be able to hear the beat of his heart. “It’s not some night out on Coruscant to get excited about, princess!” The nickname was new, and if it was spoken by anyone other than him, maybe, you would have taken it as a compliment. But the way he spit it at you, it was nothing but another way to hurt you. “Just so you know, I don’t play by the books. You get in our way, I don’t care if you’re a medic. I leave you behind, get that?!” The venom in his voice took you off guard. Yes, you weren’t friends, he always seemed to enjoy bringing you pain, but this was new. The way he spoke, the way he looked at you, it was like you were the enemy. And it broke your heart into pieces. 

“Crosshair!” Wrecker interjected, but the Sniper turned and walked into the ship, leaving you all behind. You stared at his back and swallowed, biting harshly on your lip, trying to stop the tears from appearing. “Come on, kid, he didn’t mean it. He’s just tired, you know!” You nodded and sent the boys one of your most beautiful fake smiles. You were thankful to Wrecker for standing up to you. But deep down, a part of you knew that Crosshair was right. It wasn’t a game, and the thought that you even saw it as one for a millisecond was a mistake. War wasn’t something you used to show others your strengths, and he was right to call that upon you. 

“So… Which one of you is going to show me around?” Echos smiled softly and let you in, hoping that at least for the mission sake, Crosshair would try to behave. 

***

“Not bad!” Echo commended, looking at the target which you just shot. “I didn’t know you could use the blaster.” 

“Just because I’m a civic doesn’t mean I can’t protect myself”, you shrugged, getting rid of another of the targets. More like spotchka bottles, which you didn’t even dare question about. 

“Sounds like there is a story behind it”, he started, raising a brow at another target being hit. It wasn’t that he considered you a friend. But he did like you. He enjoyed talking to you, whenever the Batch was stationed at Coruscant. You were polite, nice, funny, a bit sarcastic at times. But what’s important, you were kind and really good at your job, so he had no idea why Crosshair was being a complete jerk towards you. 

“You should at least buy me dinner first, Echo”, he chuckled, letting you win this one. He was the first person to understand if there were topics someone didn’t want to discuss. You never forced him to talk, and so he wasn’t about to do it to you. “I may not be a soldier, but I am not a defenseless little girl. I would rather sit in one place my entire life than to bother any of you.” You sounded so small, so broken at that moment, that Echo was close in actually finding his brother and kicking his ass. “I have never left this planet. I… Is it really that bad that I’m excited?” You put the blaster away and took a deep breath, trying to gain control over your body again. “I’m not excited about the War. I.. I just want to experience more… Does that make me a bad person?” 

“No!” He was fast to answer. Of course it didn’t. He understood you well. He remembered how he felt leaving Kamino as well. Like an excited child, finally able to do more. To be more. “Curiosity is normal. And no one should make you feel inferior for feeling that.” He wasn’t good at that, and an actual human contact was always Fives’ forte, but he pulled you to him, hoping it would calm you down, just a bit. “Do you want me to talk to him?” 

“No.” You shook your head, reciprocating his hug, with a small smile on your face. “The last thing I want is to make someone uncomfortable. And to be a reason for the fight between brothers.” You pulled away and gave him a real, big smile. “I will just stay away and ignore him as much as I can.” 

***

And you kept that promise for the whole two days until it was time for you to leave Coruscant. You helped Tech with the list of the most important things. Or more like he let you stay while he did the list. And added some medical things you considered to be essential, but he may have forgotten (which he of course haven’t). 

“Am I really needed?” You joked at him, making him smirk a bit at that. 

“I keep asking myself the same question.” Crosshair stared at you, while cleaning his rifle. You shook your head and smiled at Tech, looking through your list. “Hunter asks if we’re free to go.” 

“We should have everything”, Tech looked at you and you nodded, giving him back the list. “I’ll get the ship ready.” And he left, leaving the two of you alone. You waited, getting yourself ready for some more snarky and hurtful comments. You decided that you won’t let that affect you. You will do your job. Make sure the boys are safe on that mission and come back to that planet. You decided to close off your heart to that man, not letting him play with you. You still couldn’t understand why you yearned for his approval so much, but this had to end. You weren’t some pathetic little girl. 

“I won’t cause any problems. I will do my job and stay away from you so as not to bother you.” You started, not even turning around to face him. You didn’t need to see him, to know the way he looked at you. With annoyance and anger, for whatever reason. “This mission ends and you won’t have to see me again.” And so you got past him and got into the ship, ignoring the sick feeling in your stomach. 

***

He looked at your fascinated face and couldn’t help but snark under his breath. You were all getting into hyperspace and you sat next to Tech to see it for the first time. You looked like a damn kid making him even angrier. If anyone asked, he wasn’t really sure why he despised you so much. Echo was right, you were a good medic, at least from what he saw. You did patch him and his brothers up a couple of times already. And you did it well. Additionally, what he did hear from Regs was that you are capable and good at what you do. But if he was being honest with himself, hearing it from the Regs could not really be considered a compliment. 

What irritated him about you the most was the way you were always happy and cheerful and how so damn gullible you were. Always smiling to everyone, always pleasant, always so damn kind. You were so easy to manipulate and hurt that he never realized when he actually wanted to see you fall, to see you hurt, to see that damn smile disappear from your face. 

“I hate seeing you hurt”, he clenched his wrists remembering the first time you patched him up. It wasn’t anything serious, but it was an order to see a medic and as much as he hated them, he knew which fights he was able to win. 

“You don’t even know me”, he remarked, making you giggle at that. He watched your small hands work over his wound and he liked how warm they were. 

“Doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt!” You winked at him and it was then he realized how foolish you were. How innocent and he wanted you gone, before that War would take any resemblance of innocence from you. “That’s why I’ll be here, waiting to patch you up when you need it.” 

And so here you were. Not on the damn Coruscant, but here with them. It was over a year since that first meeting, and the more he saw you, the more he heard of you, he was becoming more irritated, with you, with this War, with the Sepis and with himself. He was so pissed when he found out that the medic assigned to them was you. He hoped all his remarks would get to you but apparently that never worked. 

He looked at you once more and bit harder on this toothpick and grimaced. He shook his head in anger and left the cockpit, hoping to have you off his head as soon as it was possible. Missing the way your eyes were following his moves.

You frowned looking at his retreating form. You tried to understand him. You thought and tried to remember if you offended him someway, but the more you thought the more certain you were that nothing really happened. Sure he was pissy when he first met you, but it was far from how he was now - cruel. 

***

“A quick one, boys. We go in, get the disc, destroy everything else and get here. Best case scenario without an extra job for our medic here.” You chuckled and closed the last little bag you were preparing. 

“I want you all to have each”, you started handing them to the boys. “They aren’t big so it shouldn't be an issue for either of you. But they do have the most essential things you may need. Each one of you have an adhesive spray, a mix of bandages that may be of need. I added bone-knitters there as well. I wasn’t sure how long you guys may be gone, and when it comes to fractures in bones, it's best to take care of it as soon as possible. It’s nothing special, a normal medpack so you know…” 

“How the hell did you manage to get all that equipment from Coruscant?” Wrecker gasped seeing all of the best supplies. Something he would expect was given to the Jedi Generals not Clones. At least not the non-medic ones. 

“I have my ways”, you winked at him and stopped in front of Crosshair, extending his medpack to him. For a second there you were sure he would ignore you. But he did take it and added it to his tools. “I added some eye drops for you, just in case.” And not expecting any kind of response from him you turned and stood next to Echo. Missing the way his eyes softened a bit, only to quickly come back to the way he was. “Be safe there, OK?” They all nodded and left the ship, leaving you alone. Hating that you couldn’t come with them. 

***

“You do know, you don’t have to check up on all of us after every mission”, Tech asked, when you scanned him, looking for any injuries that he may have hidden. It would not be the first time when a Clone would hide that he was hurt or wounded. Like one particular Captain of the 501st. 

“I know, but I do enjoy it. It is my job, but more than that I want to make sure you guys are OK. Believe it or not I kind of like you guys.” He smiled softly at that and you felt your heart melting. Tech seemed like someone completely unavailable when it came to feeling, but you found that he was probably the most welcome to any kind of interaction that anyone would be willing to give him. And so you gave him all the attention you could whenever you had a chance, enjoying the way he always seemed to seek you out to tell you about whatever the hell he found out. “I’d like you guys to take the vitamins I prepared for you. I know it seems silly, but with the amount of missions you participate in, it is crucial to keep even the basic functions going.”

“We appreciate it, really!” Hunter murmured, smiling at you softly. “Even if not everyone shows that.” His eyes landed on the far away place, where Cross normally went into after every mission. Normally you gave him space, not wanting to bother him. But it has been three missions already and you were not able to check on him since then. And you promised yourself you would have to do it this time. Even if it meant fighting him over it. 

“You boys are good to go. I’m gonna check up on Mr moody”, you smiled hearing Wrecker’s booming laugh at your nickname and took a deep breath, readying yourself for whatever the Sniper got to offer. “Crosshair?” he didn’t move when you walked to his space in the ship. You sighed and swallowed trying to find a way to start this all, without making you even more angry that he always was. “I need to check you up and I brought you vitamins.” You tried to make your voice sound soft and gentle. You didn’t need him to know how nervous he made you feel. But deep down, you were sure he knew. 

“I’m OK, so leave.” He murmured and you frowned, biting your lip nervously. 

“You said that after each and every mission so far.” You started, taking a step closer. “But I need to check, you know, even if it's just to sleep better at night.” You tried to joke, but seeing no reaction from him, you rolled your eyes at his childish behavior. “Come on, Crosshair. It won’t even take ten minutes. You make it more difficult than it needs to be. Stop acting like a kid!” You yelped when he was right there, pushing you on the wall behind, making you drop your kit. One of his hands landed close to your head on the wall, and you closed your eyes from the shock of it all. When you opened them, you looked up at him to see nothing but annoyance and irritation. 

You were never afraid of the Clones. Sure they were all respected and intimidating, but you knew that they were all good people. But today, at this moment, you felt yourself shiver. You felt your legs shake from an actual fear from one of them. And it was the man that you stupidly fell for. The man you tried so hard to be accepted by. But despite it all, you could see nothing but anger and disgust in his eyes right now. 

“Don’t you dare call me a child, you spoiled, little brat!” He hissed and something broke inside you. It was not fair. He didn’t know you. Didn’t even try to get to know you and yet it was so easy for him to push judgment. The one who has been ridiculed for something he couldn’t control - his genes. Here he was calling you a spoiled brat not knowing anything. And so you have had enough. 

You pushed him away from you and clenched your hands angrily. Whatever calmness and control you tried to maintain was done for. 

“What the fuck is your problem, Crosshair!?” You shouted, pushing him away, once again. “What have I ever done to you for you to hate me so much!? Why do you have to be a jerk to me all the damn time?! You don’t want me to call you a kid, but since the damn mission started, fuck, even before that, you yourself have been acting like a spoiled brat!” 

“Don’t you dare!” He started, but you didn’t let him finish. You took one more step and looked him deep into his eyes, that you once loved. Tech laughed at you once when you said that you would be able to differentiate them all just by their eyes, lecturing you how being a Clone meant they all had the same eye color. But that wasn’t it. Each of them had something special in their look and Cross wasn’t different. You loved that darkness he held, something so very different. So special, something so lovely. But now, after loving them for so long, you hated to look at them. Hated the solemn fact that you let yourself be so vulnerable for a man who didn’t care for you. 

“No, Crosshair!” you stopped him and felt yourself breathing harsher with every sentence that left your lips. You didn’t even care that you were now surrounded by all of the crew. You didn’t care anymore. You have had enough of it all. “For almost a year I have been trying to get you to like me, to notice me, to make you see me as something more than whatever you thought of me. All I ever was, was be nice to you and your brothers. I was always there for, even when my shift was over, even if I had a day off. I know it’s my bloody job, but I wasn’t born like you to fight in this war!” You didn’t even realize when you started crying. You weren’t screaming anymore, but your voice was more stern and angry than any of them have ever seen you before. “I’m just a civic who wants to help you all in this awful time. I’m not perfect, but I work on my weaknesses everyday and try to be stronger to be sure I will be able to help however I can!” You pushed him again, and to your surprise he let you. You were never the one to get physical, but you were so damn furious right now, that you didn’t care for anything. “What have I ever done to you! What made you cruel towards me?! What made you hate me so much?” You hated how your voice broke a bit in that last sentence, but you kept on looking at him, with the same determination as before. You needed to know to be able to move on. 

“You wanna know what irritates me so damn much about you, princess?” He sneered and took a step towards you, but you didn’t step back. He was close, closer than ever, but you didn’t pay attention to that. You were too angry to care for something like that. You did, however, notice how Wrecker tried to interfere, but was stopped by his brothers. “You are so damn happy all the damn time. You are acting like a spoiled brat that joined the damn army because you were bored. You are pushover that let everyone do and say whatever they want because you need to feel fucking liked by everyone. I hate that fake smile you always give to everyone, I hate that stupid innocence of someone whose life was nothing but nice and comfortable. War isn’t a place to make friends, Princess! People die everyday, and that annoying smile of yours isn’t going to change that. You are pathetic, and I hate that about you!” There was silence after his outburst. You felt like you were just shot straight to the heart. Each and every of his words hurt more than anything you have ever experienced before. And not because they were true - which they weren’t- but because this is what he thought of you. Without even trying to meet the real you. 

“My mother died at my birth”, you started, taking a step back, looking down on the floor, unable to continue to look at the eyes of a person who hates you so deeply. “My father was a bounty hunter, and didn’t care much about being a great parent. You asked me once where I learned to shoot Echo.” The Clone shifted uncomfortably being mentioned now, during the fight between you and his brother. “My father was never really a dad to me, but he did believe I had to be able to defeat myself. So he taught me, shaping the next bounty hunter in his head. He was cruel and demanding. I was 9 when he died and I didn’t even feel sad about it. After that I lived on the streets, living from day to day. I learned how to patch myself, because if I didn’t I’d die. And I would probably keep on living on the streets if the War didn’t break. I enlisted myself as a medic, because I thought of a reason to live. Not to kill as my father wanted, but to save.” You looked up at him to see softness in his eyes. For the first time since you met him. You noticed how his body shifted, how he took a step back. How his anger evaporated from him. “I was given a purpose to my life. And I promised myself I would never come back to that dark place I was, when I didn’t feel anything when my father died. And so I smiled, and laughed and made sure that no one around me would ever need to feel like that. Because Crosshair, being alone and broken is the worst possible feeling in the world, and I hope you will never have to feel it.” You wiped your tears and turned around tired of this all. “And Crosshair?” You turned one more time and looked up, finding his eyes again. “My smile was never fake with you.” And you walked to the small, little place the boys designed for you, to feel at least a bit comfortable. 

“That explains her easiness with a blaster” Echo started, hoping to cool down that anger he felt from both Wrecker and Hunter. He just hoped Crosshair would stay quiet, because he wasn’t sure anyone would be able to stop Wrecker in actually beating the hell out of his brother. 

“I will go see if she needs anything”, Hunter barked, shaking his head in anger at the Sniper, then leaving everyone to tend to you, hoping he would be able to help at least a bit. “Come on, Wrecker, she always enjoyed your hugs.” The Clone stared Crosshair down and with one of Mando’s curses directed at him, he went with Hunter. 

“I have some things to deal with, but I believe you owe her apologies, Crosshair!” Tech murmured and not waiting for the response he left, leaving Echo with Crosshair alone. 

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Crosshair spit at him angrily, unable to even look at his brother. At anyone. This sick feeling in his stomach was nothing he has ever felt before. He never knew your life wasn’t this comfortable as he thought. A part of him hated himself for being a jerk to you, but another one was angry at his brothers for taking your side in this. An irrational one and he knew that. 

“Seeing you right now? I don’t think I have to.” Echo answered, and clapped his brother on the shoulder, leaving him alone as well. He hated how this went, but he knew that the two of you needed that serious talk. You needed that to get rid of those feelings towards his brother. Feelings that only brought you pain. 

***

You spent that night cuddled in the protective arms of Wrecker, crying your eyes out. It hurt so unbelievably. The memories of your child, the fact that you said it all, when you promised yourself you would never come back to it. And how all this came about. Now when you were calmer you regretted all of this. You were even close in going there and stupidly apologized to the Sniper, but Hunter stopped you. He even talked to you and asked if you wanted to continue the mission. Because he could always contact Cody and ask for someone else. You smiled at how thoughtful he was and promised him you would end what you started and that what happened just now would not affect your work. You wouldn’t let that happen. They needed a good medic, and you wanted to finish the mission to be sure that they would come back safe. 

And so the professionalism stayed. Or more like ignorance. You knew that the only way for you to focus on your work was to ignore Crosshair, at least as much as it was possible. And so you still organized the medpack for him before each of their missions. You still checked if he was OK, and to your surprise he let you actually make the check up. You acted as his medic and just that. There were no more talks, smiles or desire to get to know him. You were kind of thankful for this whole ordeal. At least it helped you open your eyes, and saved your time on a man who saw you as nothing special. And who hated your own existence. 

“I need to get to the market to buy some things”, you mentioned to the boys, when you landed on Tanalorr for fuel. “We are running out of food, thanks to someone.” You looked at Wrecker, who chuckled awkwardly, sending you one of his charming smiles you couldn’t resist. “Not to mention I did not think the mission was going to be that long.” It has been almost a month, “We are running out of medical equipment as well.” 

“Do we even have enough credits for all of this?” Echo asked, looking troubled at the perspective of having to go back to Coruscant only to re-pack. “I’m not gonna lie, I don’t feel like coming back only to get it done.” 

“Don’t worry about the Credits.” You smirked and winked at him. “I was sent here by the Republic on a mission as your medical support and I am responsible for you. Which means the Republic will take care of things.” 

“If the credits weren’t an issue before why didn’t we let loose a bit?” Crosshair asked. Since that encounter between the two of you, he didn’t speak much, but when he did, there was less and less spite in his tone. At least he was trying, you thought. 

“Well, it’s not that I have no credit for the money I spent. The Republic checks what we spend the money on, and if it turns out to be something not necessarily needed it is taken out of our own private money.” The boys frowned and you chuckled. “Don’t worry, I have worked for the Republic long enough to know what they accept and not.” You grinned and sighed. “Ok, which one of you volunteered to be the bag carrier?” 

***

“I may not be as perceptive as others but are you OK?” Wrecker asked, after what seemed to be ages. He has been acting strange since you both left Marauder and you couldn’t help but smile softly at the way he cared for you. You still remembered the way he looked that day, when they all came on you and Crosshair fighting. 

“You may think that, but you are as perspective as any of them, if not more, Wreck.” He chuckled nervously at that and you leaned into him and kissed his cheek softly, making him blush. “I’m not, but I will be.” He nodded and let you walk in front of him. You smiled softly at the way his whole body acted like some kind of shielding for you. His eyes were roaming the surrounding looking for anything fishy, being your guardian Angel. "I see how you're always standing just two steps away from me. Whether it's with my little confrontations with Crosshair or whenever we go outside." He looked away sheepishly, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, almost shyly. This is what you liked about him. He was a giant sweetheart. "I am the luckiest doctor in the whole Galaxy" you winked at him and he chuckled softly, following your steps. 

***

It has been a while since your mission with the Batcher. You haven’t seen them for almost two months, and if you were honest with yourself you started to worry. The war was slowly getting to an end. Everyone knew that, but no one really wanted to agree on it. It was like if you spoke too loud, you would have jinxed it. Childish, and yet no one wanted to actually say anything. The Batch were being sent on more and more restless missions and they didn’t even come to the Coruscant anymore. And damn you missed them. At least most of them. 

You forced yourself to believe you were too busy to think about him, and yet there were times when his face appeared in front of your eyes and you hated yourself for that. When you left, you hugged all of them, except for Crosshair. He didn’t even come out from the ship to say goodbye. You forced yourself to believe it was better that way. After all you hoped you weren’t as pathetic as long for the man who didn’t give a damn about you. 

And now all this seemed like a mean joke. The memories of that mission was one of the few things keeping you going. You knew, you wanted to believe that finding them would make that hell a bit better. Seeing Wreckers smile, talking until the morning with Echo and Tech. Spend the night away just sitting with Hunter, doing nothing. And him. Just knowing that he is close was all that you felt that you needed. Now that the Republic fell and the Empire rose to Power, you needed something common, something familiar. You needed the Batch, like a man needs air to breath. 

You stopped in front of what seemed to be a bar. Ord Mantell wasn’t the most friendly place in the Galaxy, but the last four places you checked were just some silly rumors. And right here, right now you had a feeling like that was it. You hid behind your hood and walked into the building, hoping. Hoping to finally see them. 

Your heart skipped a bit, when you heard a booming laugh of the one and only Wrecker. But what made you stop in your trek was the little girl that was sitting with him. She couldn’t be older than 13. A kid. A child with a Batch. So the rumors were true. They were traveling with a little girl. 

“Can I help you?” Your eyes traveled to a voice next to you. A Trandoshan female was looking at you with a raised brow, her arms crossed at chest. You opened your mouth to say something. But now that you have finally found them you weren’t sure if it was a good idea to have come here. Looking at how happy Wrecker was, it didn’t seem like a good idea to get into their little life now. They were all a family and you were just a medic. A nobody. You took a step back, unable to do anything else but just run. 

A familiar voice stopped you. You looked up to see Echo standing in the middle of the room, staring at you in a mixture of disbelief and relief. The sound of your name was all you needed. Forgetting about the doubt you had just seconds ago, you ran at him, hugging him with all you had, sobbing at his chest like a little child wanting to be comforted. 

“Long time no see, Doc.” Echo whispered, hugging you back, smiling, happy to see you again. 

***

You didn’t want to believe Hunter, when he said that Crosshair has joined the Empire. It didn’t feel right. There was a lot to be said about the Sniper, but the fact that he would abandon his brothers and join scumbugs like an Empire was the last thing you would expect. Hunter told you about how he tried to kill them twice already, and you couldn’t help but feel anger burning inside you. Not towards the Batch, not towards Crosshair, but towards the Empire that was taking everything from you. 

You told them how you escaped from Coruscant when the Empire rose. How you were traveling from one planet to another looking for them. Hoping you would be able to join them in whatever they planned on doing. Whatever it was, you let them know you were not leaving them. The moment you told them you weren’t leaving, you were once again a part of their team. A part of their family. First few nights you spend cuddling with Echo, Hunter or Wrecker. To keep the nightmares away. It was awkward at the beginning especially with Hunter, but the more frequent they became the more protective he became and was pulling you to him automatically. His senses always knew when you were stressed. When even the hugs didn’t help, you stayed with Tech. Awake talking about everything and nothing really. 

You met Omega and you could not fall in love with her. She was a sweetheart with a sense of humor similar to the Batch. It took you a while to process that she was a Clone as well. And biologically older than them. But you tried to ignore it, and look at her as what she was. An amazing, beautiful and smart teenager. She quickly became an integral part of your life. Like a little sister you never knew you needed in your life. 

You were a family. You finally found your place on Pabu. Saying goodbye to Echo wasn’t easy, but you were happy to know he was following what he truly believed in. And so you moved to this peaceful Island, far away from everything and everyone. Becoming an integral part of the population here. And despite your life finally becoming normal you were still missing something. Missing someone. 

“You better come back! Come back with him!” You made Hunter promise, before they left. Tech got a signal from a base, a signal from Crosshair himself. You didn’t want to get your hopes up. But you did hope he would come back. And not for you. Because you knew that even if he did come back you would be the last person he’d like to see. But for himself, for his brothers and for Omega. You made a decision, that you would take a step back, make place for him if it was what he needed. All you wanted was for him to come back. To be reunited with his family. Even if w=you would never be able to be a part of that family. 

***

Crosshair didn’t know what he should feel. It was like a damn dream. One second he was strapped into that damn electrolight, and another second his brothers with Omega, were saving him. He didn’t oppose this time. He followed them and he let Omega hug him, when they were back on the Marauder. He wasn’t ready to hug her back, but he was thankful. He would never say it out loud, but he was damn happy to be back with his family. 

He wasn’t sure what to say. Anything he thought of felt too trivial to say out loud. A thank you wasn’t enough. I’m sorry; just didn’t sit right with him. And so he just stayed quiet, observing the Five of them. There were times when he got himself smiling softly at something Omega said, there were even moments when he let himself roll his eyes the same way he did in the past, when Wrecker said something idiotic. It felt familiar, it felt like home again and when Hunter caught his eyes once he smiled at him softly nodding his head. And that was enough, Enough for his brothers. 

***

Seeing him again was like a mixture of the most painful and the most amazing feeling ever. When the Marauder appeared on the landing platform one afternoon you actually cried in relief. And you laughed out loud when Omega jumped happily at you, giving you her biggest and brightest smile. You were so happy to see them back, that you almost missed the one person, who was the reason for your feeling of emptiness. Here he was standing at the exit of the shuttle, looking at you. There was something unrecognizable in his eyes. Something you have never seen before. His stare was still as intense as ever, but his eyes were some kind of softer. 

You wanted to go to him. And hug him, but seeing him now it was like realizing that you longed for something that could never be yours. Those words, that day was still a reminder of what he really thought of you, of how he saw you. And so you nodded at him and took Omega with you for a walk, listening to everything that had happened when they were gone. 

“She made me promise I will bring you back.” Hunter started, standing next to his brother. “When she heard that message from you, she was determined to make us go get you. She cried when I told her you went with the Empire.” Crosshair frowned, still looking at your retreating form. He didn’t expect to see you here. He would never have thought that it would be you who would cry for him. “She never gave up on you. Even when I did.” Crosshair looked at the Sergeant and raised his brow. “You tried to kill us. Twice. Just a reminder there.” He couldn’t help but laugh softly at that. 

“She looks happy”, he finally stated, see how you laughed with Omega and Wrecker about something he couldn’t hear. 

“Don’t change that”, the Sniper frowned at Hunter’s tone. “She is ready to step away if it means you’d feel comfortable.” Crosshair scoffed. It was something you would have done. Apparently you haven’t really changed. Always putting someone else's feelings before yours. It was one of these things that annoyed him about you. It did. And it still did, but for some completely different reason. 

**

“You should talk with him,” Tech murmured, thinking of the next move. You were one of few people he actually liked to play against. True, you never won against him, but at least you gave him a challenge. “You have been stopping away from us since he came back.” 

“You’re imagining things, Tech.” You answered, already trying to think of another move, hoping that today you would maybe, somehow win against him. “I am giving him space. Our last real conversation didn’t end well.” You bit your lip and sighed. “I’m not sure I would be able to handle another rejection from him.” 

“Rejection?” He asked, looking up at you. You have never talked with Tech about your feelings. Especially not about your feelings towards his brother. You loved Tech, but he wasn’t the best person of the Batch to talk about it. 

“I love him. It's so stupid and illogical, I know” you rolled your eyes and crossed your legs. Something you always did when you felt overwhelmed. Something he noticed quite quickly. “I remember that day like it happened yesterday, that’s why it hurts so much. Because I know that nothing really changed. This is the same Crosshair as the last time I saw him. It is the same man that said he hated me, he hated everything that I built to become someone better. It broke me then and it breaks me every time I see him”, you sniffed and closed your eyes, to stop the tears from falling down. “I am so happy that he is back. I am happy your family is full again. I am happy he is safe and back. I am incredibly happy that you all are happy again. And I am happy to step back to make sure you all will stay the same way. For as long as it's needed.” Tech frowned looking at you. It’s not that he didn’t know about your feelings for his brother. But he never understood how deep they were until now. 

“You said you love him. Not, loved him.” You smiled softly and nodded.  

“I did. Didn’t I?” 

**

‘I love him’. He would never have thought he would hear those words directed at him. Well, they weren’t really directed directly at him, but they were about him. You said it. You told Tech out of all of his brothers of your feelings. You told Tech about how much pain it brought you to love him. Against many opinions, Crosshair wasn’t heartless. 

He hated the words that left his mouth that day. It’s not that he lied. No, he wasn’t one to lie. But the words that left his lips then weren’t really true to his true feelings. He never knew what irritated him about you. He always felt angry whenever he was with you, but at the same time, he longed to be with you. He didn’t understand his feelings then, and he wasn’t sure if he understood them now. But he knew something now, that he didn’t know then. It wasn’t hate that he felt towards you. It was this lack of power to be able to protect you. You seemed so innocent, so powerless, so damn happy all the time and he was afraid. So damn afraid that this damn world would screw you and destroy that innocence inside you. He liked it. He longed for these smiles you sent his way. He enjoyed seeing you annoyed, because it meant that maybe you were able to fight for yourself. And so he took the role of a bad guy to teach to defend yourself. 

And the more he focused on this role, the more he hated the world around him. He hated the thought that this world will destroy you one day. That it will wipe away that beautiful smile you sent everyone. And so there was so much hate inside him, that he didn’t know where he should direct it. And despite wanting to protect you from the pain, he was the one bringing you the biggest pain of all. He made you remember something you were sure you wanted to forget about. Your past. 

A past where you had to be strong to survive. The past where you couldn’t smile. The past where you fought everyday against the tyranny of the world. You fought for so long and he was too stubborn and too blind to see that you didn’t need his protection. You just needed for the world to go on. The same way as it went. For him to be there for you. Just like his brothers were. 

Just like you were for him. 

“This one is on me”, he smiled softly seeing the way your eyes widened seeing him, behind you, ready to pay for your Caf. He wanted to laugh at the way your mouth would open and close, unable to say anything. “It's nice weather, how about we take that outside?” There was no smile on your lips that day. But there was something in your eyes that made Crosshair believe that not all was gone. He still had the opportunity to let your world go on and maybe one day be once again a part of it. A better part of it. 

It was strong and beautiful and it made him act on his true feelings. It was hope. 

#star wars #star wars fanfiction #the clone wars #the bad batch #star wars the bad batch #crosshair #crosshair bad batch #crosshair fanfiction #crosshair tbb #star wars tbb #tbb #angst #fanfiction #anon ask #tbb season 2 #bad batch #clone force 99 #tbb crosshair

[mytalemyworld]

A little ranting and some of my thoughts about Yabani Episode 31...

Since finally I have time, I'm going to get some things off my chest. It'll be a long post, so here we go.

After having seen the writing of episode 28, I said to myself I shouldn't expect anything from this show, especially with the rating pressure it wouldn't get any better. Because the writers show they aren't competent enough to deal with that. I also said as long as it didn't affect my couple, I could ignore the rest and skip the other parts.

However I learned my lesson, if the show is going downhill, probably your couple is not safe either.

In some parts of ep 31 I rolled my eyes, in some parts I didn't understand the motives of some characters. They were trying so hard but it was neither logical nor touching. Especially some lines and some scenes didn't make any sense.

A conflict was needed between Alaz and Yaman, I can see that and of course it would be delicious if it was written well. So no problem for me. But what's this nonsense, excuse me? Serhan may be cruel, evil and a bastard, (and that's why Alaz still doesn't talk to him or expect anything from him and he's okay with going like this) however wanting your father out of your life is one thing, being okay with him dying is another thing.

Alaz: He's my dad, unfortunately and I can't change that, Mom. But is this what he should get in return? Did he deserve this? What are we supposed to do? Should we be happy? What do you want to hear from us?

I mean, if we're talking about the worst traumas, then Elif should get her punishment too, because the girl literally tortured Yaman & Asi and Alaz even though it was for "the greater good".

And these people who went to the hospital to be by their side, to give them comfort and support acted like Soysalan siblings shouldn't get angry because their father was a bad person. Then Yaman got involed in their argument and asked Alaz what his problem was.

I mean, what? How did all of these make sense? This was just plain stupid.

Poor girl found herself in the middle of their conflict.

I knew he wouldn't listen to reason. Not even Asi could calm him down, I was expecting this and wrote it before. He already fought his mom and his brother so when he came to the worst conclusion I didn't think it was out of character.

Alaz: So you're on his (Yaman's) side.

I could have understood this as well. Because even back then, while they were waiting for any good news about Çağla, Asi's first instinct was to prevent him from blaming himself although he was a bad brother to his twin sister. So I guessed he waited to see an unconditional support again, like her getting angry like himself and stopping the other people, not the other way around.

She actually wasn't on Yaman's side but he misunderstood her words.

So, yeah, even though he was acting irrational, I could understand that.

However this…was truly unacceptable.

I think there's a line that shouldn't be crossed while trying to prove you're right about something, especially the other party is someone you deeply care about.

To me, no matter how much angry he was, he would never say that line. Especially after Zafer plot. This guy was ready to die and kill for her, cared about her traumas and pain. You may say he was also behaving like this towards his twin at the beginning of the series, so he can do anything but I beg to differ. First of all I hated him for that matter as well and that happened at the beginning, a very long time ago. He's been through a lot. If he continues acting like he has no empathy, why are we watching this show?

And I know Asi didn't have bad intentions but in order to make him to say those words, they wrote illogical lines for her too.

So why did they write it anyway? Maybe it was for this scene to happen:

To show that she is compassionate and loves him so much despite how much he's fucked up.

Was it worth it? No. Because we already know that.

I think the director couldn't get rid of that line because of the messaging scene, however he could have shown Alaz regretted it later. But he did not.

So some directing and writing choices were really unnecessesary and disappointing.

You can especially tell this is true because after the hospital scene, Yaman said to Alaz how he wished he could have changed everything. I mean, from the beginning he could have seen what Alaz needed but no, he waited for an hour because the show should last 120 minutes.

What did the show benefit from this? Nothing. I mean, if it happened after he had learnt the truth, we could have said he did it because he tried to make her break up with him. But they didn't choose that way.

There were many good scenes but the rooftop scene literally killed my desire to talk about them.

Like this is probably one of my favorite scenes in the whole series.

Alaz: I hate being your son. You're like a nightmare. One can't get rid of you. No matter what I do, you somehow ruin my life again. I'm tired of listening you, your making up excuses, blaming others. I went crazy thinking that something would happen to you today. I forgot all of your crap. I said he was my father no matter what. I forgot everything you did. Don't worry, I will keep silent, I will stomach it again, because I have to. I have to because of your health state, because of your daughter who is scared that something may happen to you, because of Ece. I have to because I have no choice. But you know what the most painful thing is? I will never be able to look at Yaman's face again. I know you won't like hearing this but I really loved being Yaman's brother. But as usual you forcefully took away another thing I love from me. How can I look at my mom's face now? How can I look at Asi's face now? Serhan: If you keep talking like this to me, it will be my face you can never look at. Son- Alaz: Son…Yes, I am your son. This is what's the worst. I am the devil's son. This is my curse. You took away my last hope that I could be a good person. Endless thanks to you.

And this was good too.

Because you can literally pinpoint the moment he started dying inside. For the first time he wanted her to let him go and she said she couldn't do that.

He was always the one who couldn't let her go but this time she said his trademark lines. *fml*

The whole scene was written just like how I imagined. This was not ooc either. But it could have been more impactful if the rooftop scene hadn't happened.

I don't have any expectations right now, if they give me more beautiful scenes that make it look like they were in a delirious state while writing that scene I can try to forget it. However the first 30 episodes will always have a different place in my heart.

#yabani #asi x alaz #alaz soysalan

[lordystrange]

Since people have misunderstood my point about all this Noah-Israel-Palestine thing (maybe because of my english, maybe not) I’m gonna try one more time

Firstly, thank you for the people who have kindly educated me about it. It was very interesting and eye-opening to read.

Secondly, while all that information makes me understand some people’s reaction more, it still doesn’t quite change my point here.

And now to the point: Noah Schnapp going there is a different thing than for example Joe Keery going there.

Firstly, because of religion. I doubt he would have ever gone there if it wasn’t for him being jewish. And I don’t think I or anyone here is the right person to tell Noah what he can or can’t do with his religion. Especially since judaism is an ethnic religion and that land area is, according to their beliefs, their homeland.

My second point is also a little about religion and a little about being gay. While some people critisizing Noah are actually doing it for the right reasons, I doubt most hate comments he gets for this are just from homophobic and antisemitic people. If it was Joe Keery who went there, these people would not give a fuck. But because it’s a gay jew who went there, people see an excuse to hate him more.

So yeah, these are my points here. I personally boycot many countries but I just don’t think I’m the right person to deny a jewish person from going to Israel.

If someone ever meets Noah, you can for sure try and make him more aware of everything Israel government does to palestinians. But please remember to do it kindly and calmly. For me too, it was a lot easier to understand people’s point when they were explaining it calmly, instead of angry accusations with no explonation.

#noah schnapp

[isa-ghost]

Dude, I feel like an idiot.

I know nothing about any Minecraft YouTubers, and this whole time I thought Dream was in the QSMP, and I was about to block you because I don’t really like him. So I went to your blog and read your tagged pin about not wanting to interact with Dream stans. I was confused by this since I thought he was in the SMP you like and had to Google it and realized Dream hasn’t even been in the QSMP this entire time.

Anyway, I guess PSA to people like me who don’t follow Minecraft stuff: Dream is, in fact, NOT a part of the QSMP.

I feel like such a fool since I try not to lump content creators together, but I really misunderstood this one.

LDFKSDL;FKSDLGJ AT FIRST I WAS ABOUT TO GO ALL "EXCUSE ME??" ABOUT THIS BUT LIKE.

DUDE. DUDE DR*M TRIED TO COPY THE IDEA OF QSMP BEING MULTILINGUAL/CULTURAL AND WAS GONNA CALL IT "UNITED SMP". IT WAS AN ENTIRE DRAMA THING (mainly on Twitter bc that's where the CCs are active). BUT IT LITERALLY [OFFICIALLY] ENDED HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH QUACKITY. AND YOU CONFUSING THINGS SO BADLY WHILE I KNOW THIS IS TOO FUNNY FOR ME TO BE LIKE "UM PARDON THE FUCK" ABOUT IT, SO YOU GET A PASS THIS TIME.

THE Q IN QSMP STANDS FOR QUACKITY. THE CONTENT CREATOR WHO MADE QSMP. (Fans will say it stands for Queer because so many of the CCs on it make gay love canonically in roleplay so often)

ANYWAY

Anon I can promise you most, if not ALL of QSMP fans fucking HATE Dr*m's p*dophile asshole egotistical ass. I want that sack of shit to drop dead like NOW. At all times. I could rant for EONS about his stupid ass and the horrid experiences I've had with his stupid fans. I'm glad you've now learned first hand why people who think "all of Minecraft YouTube = Dr*m & His Friends" are stupid and why nobody who watches mcyt likes people like that.

Dr*m (and the Dr*m Team [Dream & his friends G*orgeNotFound and S*pnap])'s fans are the mcyt equivalent of Tr*mp supporters. No one likes or respects them. No one understands how they can support such a problematic douchebag when there are entire threads of actual literal proof he's a problematic douchebag. Some of the things in those threads are things he has straight up admitted himself are real. Also I am literally censoring his, G*rge and S*pnap's names so their rabid ass stans don't somehow find this post and then swarm & doxx me. Because they do that. I have witnessed genuinely traumatic witch hunts on Twitter executed by Dr*m Team stans before I got rid of that shit app.

Somewhere I have a post of entire TLDR'd reasons between 2021-2022 of why Dr*m fucking sucks and no one should support him.

The SMP you were confusing is DSMP. Dr*m SMP. Which btw he didn't even fucking pay for the server the SMP was on himself. His friend (ex friend? I wish/hope ex) BadBoyHalo (BBH) who IS on QSMP was paying for it. So people like me who fucking hate and resent Dr*m will spitefully call DSMP "BBHSMP" sometimes because almost all the streamers that were on DSMP minus the Dr*m Team were and still are fabulous people, and I will gladly list them and the reasons they're great people if I really have to or if someone's genuinely curious about it. DSMP was awesome. Several were amazing queer creators that wouldn't have the exposure they do now if they hadn't joined and that's just one reason DSMP was great before we all found out Dr*m is a walking talking sack of shit.

So now that you have this knowledge, do yourself and the entire mcyt community a favor: Stop assuming anything Minecraft YouTube = Dr*m = Racist And Bad and Shitty. And start educating other people who think that way that they're wrong too.

Anyone who gets worked up at hearing "SMP" in a sentence is literally getting angry at hearing Minecraft "Survival Multi Player" which is often literally just groups of friends who are also streamers playing Minecraft. And maybe roleplaying as they do so. People who get angry at SMPs are literally getting mad about people roleplaying in a video game about cubes. It's like if they got pissed at a cube version of Dungeons & Dragons somewhat. They just look like a massive fucking clown.

Also, in general, don't forget the golden rule: To assume makes an ass out of u and me.

I am patting your head anon. Thank you for the laugh. Now take this knowledge and do the mcyt fandom a favor by shutting other uninformed people up. We have enough issues we're fighting to put an end to every day. We're not some racist monolith or whatever like some people for some reason think, so many of us are fighting tooth and nail to bring awareness to internal issues in the fandom, constantly. Just like any other fucking fandom. It's absolutely mind-blowing and braincell-killing to me that non-mcyt fans just assume we're all okay with racism or some shit. I've actually seen people like this, it's a real thing somehow.

Also also: I hope anyone who was following me for my previous hyperfixations (looking at you JSE community people who didn't also take the jse -> mcyt pipeline like me) also takes this knowledge. It's one thing if y'all don't want to see me blogging about something you're not interested in. It's another if you've thought something shitty and untrue about me or the fandom currently captivating me hardest this entire time. You guys too, do us mcyt enjoyers a favor, and start educating misinformed people so we don't have to go around expecting to be labeled racist or some other shitty awful thing over liking watching people play Minecraft.

#i dont want to tag this as anything so no one i dont want finding this post/me can find it/me. and also so-- #anyone following me with words or tags blacklisted who might be misinformed sees this and understands now that theyre wrong

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Thanks, @my-excellent-bicycle, for recommending me this recent podcast interview with David O'Doherty. I annoyingly couldn't find a non-Spotify link, and I normally do my best to avoid Spotify, so it says something about how much I wanted to hear it that I listened to it on Spotify when I couldn't find it anywhere else.

I really enjoyed it. DO'D is great in interviews - he's like Mark Watson, in that he's one of those comedians who's really thoughtful and analytical and insightful and all those other qualities that make someone good specifically as an interviewee. Lots of people are very funny and talented comedians but don't much to say in an interview that's worthwhile. DO'D's always got good stuff to say, which is why I will listen to any interview of him that I come across (or helpfully have someone send to me), even if it means I have to use the Spotify media player.

First of all - did anyone else know the meaning of his internet name? I knew that he uses phlaimeaux on Twitter, and I think a few other sites. I'd heard him say before that it was a breakdancing name, which sounded fucking ridiculous to me, I thought I must have misremembered it, or, more likely, misunderstood it in the first place. Maybe he was joking and I just didn't realize.

But in this interview he explained it in more detail, and no, I had it fucking right. When he was a kid, he did breakdancing, and when he was about twenty, he created a Twitter account, and he used the nickname he'd been given as a child breakdancer. Because he didn't think Twitter would be a big enough deal for it to matter what name he chose, and he didn't expect to get famous, so he didn't put more thought into it than that. That was all stuff I'd heard before; all this interview did was confirm that I hadn't, you know, dreamed it. But this interview did give me the new information that the reason why it was his breakdancing nickname is it's a phonetic spelling of "fly mo", which is short for "Fly Motherfucker". Which is fucking adorable. It's mean to be pronounced Phlai-maux.

I would say it's extremely weird that DO'D has a fucking breakdancing name, but actually... I did once make a gif that compiled several instances of David O'Doherty throwing himself at various things (respectively: Daniel Kitson, the floor, Jason Byrne) in various years (respectively: 2007, 2005, 2003) at Late 'n' Live shows. Apparently that man has breakdanced before.

Anyway. Even aside from that, it's a good interview. He talks a lot about his origins in comedy, which is always interesting to me. About his dad being a jazz musician and him getting that plastic keyboard as a kid and meeting the Conchords in early 00s Edinburgh and jamming with them and that led to him opening for them on a tour of America years later.

But he also gets into comedy in general, which I found very interesting. About what comedy is, what should and shouldn't be considered part of the genre. Stuff I've heard him say at other times, that he's friends with Hannah Gadsby and angry at all the backlash Nannette got, not just because so much of it was misogynistic (though it was, and he knows that), but also because so much of it was based around claims of "this isn't comedy!", and he hates any narrow views of what comedy is. That these people think comedy is always just one guy with a microphone doing 50 punchlines in 10 minutes.

I find that discussion interesting, of what should be classed as "comedy". And I'm in DO'D camp - I think pretty well anything can be comedy. Personally, I've been broadening my comedy horizens lately, but it definitely has borders. In the last year, I've tried a lot of things that I was hesitant about because they were billed as experimental, and I wasn't sure if I'd "get it". Joseph Morpurgo, Jordan Brookes, John-Luke Roberts. At one point, that seemed too "experimental" for me, until I actually tried it, and learned that no, it's just funny. You don't need some special extra sense for "getting" complex art to understand it. It's funny. I've only recently been trying hard to give sketch comedy a try. I'd avoided that Lazy Susan special for ages because I'd thought it would be too complicated, until I watched it, and... honestly, it's so not complicated. You so don't need to be some deep knowledgeable comedy fan to understand what they're doing. It's just funny sketches. Honestly, I don't know why I ever thought of sketch comedy as "not my thing" because I'm "not knowledgable enough about comedy to understand it". Fucking Monty Python, my favourite show for a while as a kid, was sketch comedy. It's just jokes in a slightly different format.

Having said that, there are still sub-genres of comedy that I consider "outside my wheelhouse". I keep wanting to give that Elf Lyons special Swan a try, but I recoil a bit at anything that can be described with the word "clowning". The word "cabaret" will also throw me off. I've enjoyed a few drag shows I've been to in person over hte years, I'm not sure I have enough appreciation of the form to enjoy it in a recording. Not all forms of comedy are for me. But I love that they're all out there! I love that people are doing weird experimental theatre and drag and burlesque and clowning and it's all comedy. And maybe someday I'll appreciate it all.

These are all things DO'D got me thinking about, when he talked about people who have too narrow a view of what comedy is. And he talked about all the different things out there that he loves. He mentioned Sam Campbell, and reminded me that Campbell's couple of specials that are YouTube are also things I'd initially avoided because I heard he's a bit "experimental" and I thought it might take some extra comedy knowledge to "get it", until I watched it, and learned, no, he's just fucking hilarious. Also, he did a very funny Comedy Blaps thing, and David O'Doherty was in it. God, I can't wait for Tasmaster season 16.

There was other good stuff in the interview too. It's worth listening to for people who like hearing David O'Doherty talk. Thanks for sending it to me, @my-excellent-bicycle.

[wingedvictor]

JUNG JAEHYUN  23  CISMALE  HE/HIM — ; where do you get your inspiration, NAM MINJUN ? you’re so DRIVEN , i can’t help but think of MUSEUM DATES, OLD RECORDS AND SHATTERED STATUES when i hear your name. your friends tell me you can be EVASIVE sometimes. i guess it’s understandable given the circumstances. besides , i can’t even imagine how stressful SCULPTURE classes must be — not to mention you’re also in THE RED AND GREEN CLUB, HOWLITES (CAPTAIN) AND MISS TATE (BASS) ! you’re a LOCAL , right ? yeah, i thought so. either way , welcome to mugunghwa ! 

hey! it's dean here with nam minjun — a sculpture arts major, newly appointed captain of the male soccer team, and bassist of miss tate—though you might know him better as the one who always came second to son jisoo. he’s much like the misunderstood villain you’d read about in books, the kind you’d be drawn to if perfect golden boys (cough jisoo cough) are too boring for you. that, or you’re a masochist who romanticises pain. if you'd like to plot, give this post a like and i’ll drop you a message! i also have discord, if that’s what you prefer.

BACKGROUND:

born and bred in mugunghwa; he can't decide if he loves or hates this place.

put simply, he feels like a big fish in a small pond. on one hand, he likes being at the very top of the hierarchy, but on the other, he feels suffocated.

the only child to the nams. you’d think he’d be coddled and cherished like their finest treasure, but somehow, they still had a way to make him feel like he was never good enough.

he's known jisoo ever since they were kids (or babies, to be exact). their parents were always close (at least, on the surface) and have been rivals since they were younger.

naturally, this rivalry carried on to their children. all hell broke loose when they both gave birth to sons in the same year.

he can't remember a time in his life not being to compared to jisoo. everything, from their academics, artistic abilities, athleticism, height, to even the kind of girls they brought home, was a measure of their success.

he had always felt like a tool, used to extend his parents' sense of self-worth. they needed him to win, for them to win.

at some point, he grew to desire everything jisoo wanted, even if didn't really want it himself. growing up, it felt like everything jisoo had was what he needed to have too. if not, he would be inferior and god forbid he was anything but that.

he has a complicated relationship with jisoo. kind of like how he feels about mugunghwa—a love-hate relationship.

sometimes, he wishes jisoo never existed so he didn't have to compete with him, to feel like he’s not good enough all his life, but there are days when things are different.

on those days, he feels like jisoo is a brother he never had, days when he is actually relieved jisoo was around to make this town feel a little less lonely.

that's when he starts feeling bad for always competing with him, for never truly being happy for his accomplishments—for not being a good friend. because a good friend wouldn’t secretly wish you’ll fuck up, right?

but then jisoo beats him again and the cycle repeats, again and again.

just like how complex their friendship was, minjun’s reaction to jisoo’s passing is no different. some days he feels sad, then relieved, then angry, then everything all at once.

he's sad to lose a friend he's known since forever; a part of his identity he's never been allowed to break away from, but he's also relieved that jisoo was no longer in his way, that all those years of constant comparisons finally came to an end.

but most of all, he's angry, that even in death, he is still reminded of how he is second to jisoo, that none of the things he has now truly belongs to him—that he’ll never get to beat jisoo with his own merits.

jisoo’s death was not just a loss of a friend and competitor, but a sense of self; a benchmark he’s had his entire life.

PERSONALITY:

taciturn and elusive, but not forgettable.

the aloof boy that acts like a wallflower, but is really the kind you find yourself getting curious about.

hard to approach, probably not the friendliest face in the hallway.

doesn't really talk to people outside his circle. (though i’d really love for some unexpected connections!)

some might even think he’s stuck-up, that he thinks he’s better than others. (partially true. he actually doubts himself a lot, he’s just antisocial and doesn’t bother trying. also had a friend (jisoo) all his life so he never had to try either.)

very driven and hardworking. set on perfecting his craft.

maybe it’s because he tries so hard in art and sports that he seems nonchalant in every other aspect, like his social life.

is also frustratingly cryptic, an enigma that is hard to decipher even if you’ve known him all your life.

thinks a lot, which is both his vice and virtue.

romanticises a lot of things. particularly people. tends to fall in love with the idea of someone and not who they really are.

kind of toxic. he doesn’t like things (or people) that are easy to get, because he’s so accustomed to not getting what he wants with ease, to wanting the things that don’t belong to him.

has a lot of buried anger and resentment towards his parents and jisoo that is reflected in his art; is otherwise bad at expressing it.

inner child needs healing, tbh.

AT MUGUNGHWA:

sculpture arts major: wasn’t always a sculpture artist. when he was younger, he had also pursued painting alongside jisoo, just because his parents wanted him to. it wasn’t until he starting traveling around europe and got exposed to sculpture art did he realise it was something he enjoyed more. definitely helps that he’s also better at it and no longer has to live in jisoo’s shadow, at least for art.

part of the red and green club: truthfully, he likes that he is part of this club. he knows that it’s something his parents brag about, one of the few things he’s earned their validation for. his jewelled accessory is a pair of cufflinks.

took jisoo's place as captain of the howlites: frankly didn't even want to be captain that bad, he just wanted it because jisoo was running for it. and he has to have everything jisoo has. now that he has it, he's starting to realise that it wasn't as great as he made it out to be—not that he'd ever admit any of this.

plays the bass in miss tate: the one thing he has that was not tied to jisoo. his parents didn't like that he was in a rock band (they considered it uncouth and a waste of time) but it’s precisely why he pursued it, because he needed an escape from their constant comparisons. he needed a part of him entirely to himself, with no way of being compared to perfect little jisoo.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

someone jisoo liked but couldn’t have? maybe jisoo told him about his crush and complained about how hard it was to get their attention. (though we'd have to check with the admin if it interferes with the plot!) this could've sparked minjun’s interest and he ends up wanting them too, though he doesn’t know if he actually likes them or if he only wanted them because jisoo did. toxic, push and pull type of relationship where they can’t tell how he really feels about them. fwb/more than friends less than lovers type shit.

on the contrary, someone that likes him and is always there for him. probably one of the sweetest people in his life (someone who is actually good for him) but he’s a toxic mfer who wants what he can’t have. he knows he can have them so he doesn’t treasure them but he still sticks around because they make him feel wanted, like he’s good enough for once. one word: angst.

someone very different from him (probably someone who is free spirited and wants to leave mugunghwa). someone he actually likes talking to, whose opinions he wants to hear. he might not agree but he enjoys the discourse; a breath of fresh air in his suffocating environment.

escape in human form, someone that has no connection to the keepers/the red and green club, or the life he’s always known in mugunghwa, someone who he can forget everything around. preferably someone who didn’t know jisoo personally and never got to compare them.

male soccer team members who don’t think he’s worthy of the captain position, that he only got it because of his prestige, not because he’s a good leader (they’re probably right). they either think of jisoo as their only captain and doesn’t acknowledge minjun as one, or they hate that the position was always between them, because they’re keepers and come from influential families.

#mguintro

[kkrazy256]

The best way I can describe how I think the fandom would treat Pharma, or at least some of the fandom, is all those posts you see about good characters who aren't good people being called "misunderstood". I also think that, down the line, there'd be those people who try to excuse every bad thing he does.

"I think Pharma's a great character, but he's such a bastard and I would throttle him in real life."

"I think that's a bit too extreme. He's done some bad things, but he doesn't deserve that. He's my misunderstood baby. 🥺"

"He literally makes it his life's work to make one of his brother's miserable and feels relaxed when he kills, oftentimes people who don't deserve death."

"You just don't get him like I do. He's just misunderstood and didn't actually do anything wrong."

Canon!Remedy getting treated by fandom worries me that he'd get treated a bit like Kix.

Like, I had the fandom interpretation of Kix in my head when I went back and re-watched his scenes and I was surprised that the interpretation of him being angry and done-with-everyone's-shit... didn't really exist in the show? The only time I remember him being visibly like that was in the Umbara Arc and that was after he'd been pretty stretched to the limit. He lost a lot of his complexity within a lot of the fandom and I think the same would happen to Remedy. The fandom's version of Kix seems to be "angry and done with shit just because I can be" (whereas in the Umbara Arc, he was angry because he was being prevented from doing his job as a medic and trying to save his brothers) and I think Remedy's reasons for getting so upset when his brothers don't take care of themselves would be forgotten until he's basically reduced to the same as Fandom!Kix.

Fuck, that was meant to be about Remedy, not a rant about Kix. Sorry, especially if I didn't get my original point across. 😅

Of course, there'll always be the sides of the fandom that remember the original portrayal of Remedy and Pharma and I would try to stick to those sides of the fandom because their original characterizations are awesome

(those two are the only ones I know enough to analyze for, sshhh).

If my OC was canon how would the fandom treat them?

WAUGH giving you a big kith, thank you for your super in-depth thoughts. Here are mine.

Oh yeah, I for sure think Pharma would get that dichotomy in opinions. Knowing fandom, there will be some people that hate him and claim that if you like him you are automatically an awful person. And on the flip side, people that like him will try to absolve him of all wrong because surely they wouldn't like someone awful unless they were a misunderstood uwu bab-/gags ahjfwawh. I made him to be my corny dramatic villain oc that is capable of very awful things! Sometimes, characters are genuinely awful people even with nuance, and still a good character for the narrative. You can like him without excusing all the shit he's done. You can hate him, but hopefully not blind to the why. Otherwise you're not understanding his motivations at all.

AND GOD REMEDY. AND KIX. YOUR BRAIN. Don't be sorry about ranting about Kix, I think about him so much. I believe Kix being characterized as angry comes a lot from the comics post-war. But that anger is riddled with grief because he has no one left. He is out of time and place, and doesn't know how to process that with strangers that wouldn't understand. All he has is to keep fighting and he doesn't even know for what anymore. Post-war Kix spins in my mind microwave so much, it's so tragic. In tcw, he is frustrated because he feels that he can't do enough for his brothers. In a war where he's constantly subjected to dying vode. Where as a medic, he has the responsibility to do something about it. His breakdown in Umbara was something that has been accumulating for months, maybe years. He wasn't just angry, he was actively being confronted with the fact that he can't save everyone.

And you're right, a lot of the motivations behind his anger is lost because a lot of people treat medic characters as one giant entity. The general blanket of "pissed off, grouchy, will sedate you if you don't listen" characterization where you lose all the little other details of their personalities.

Yeah I think the same thing could happen to Remedy if he were canon. It's not like a show format where he's a background character would give the audience a lot of chance to see him beyond his cranky exterior so it would be easy to put him in that general medic personality blanket. But I hope I do take enough time and care to explore his reasons for being so isolated and distant in my lore and writing.

#clone medic pharma #clone medic remedy #kix #answered

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 We are officially at 5x06. The beginning of the end and heartbreak. Just so you know: he somehow convinced himself that he was just reading too much into Justin’s behavior previous episodes and that he misunderstood Randy’s performance and that all will be okay. Don’t ask how he got to that conclusion bc he doesn’t know either. I would also like to say that i wrote this out on Friday but ended up not being able to send it cause somebody was grieving cause it was the anniversary of Freddie Mercury. So he forced me and the neighbor to go to a bar where he bribed the bartender to put Queen on. And then he pouted at the bar, listening to Queen, talking about Britin to the bartender (!!) and drank his juice. Like a child. Anyway: we came to meet Brandon ‘whats with the zoom in on Brian and Justin? What is happening? HE TURNED BRIAN DOWN? Bri Bri, i would never treat you like that!’ And immediately after that it shows the wedding Rage cover ‘what the fuck is happening? Why are they doing that? That makes no sense, i don’t like it. (mikey and ben start kissing) WHATS WITH THE ZOOM IN ON JUSTIN AGAIN?’ ‘WHATS WRONG WITH DEBBIE? What is happening?!’ And we made it to the Queer Guy meet and greet ‘what the fuck is this? *looks at me* whats going on in this episode? LOOK BRIAN SHOWED UP! (Brian has his queer guy speech) i hate to say it but i think Brian is right. I mean even that dude at the news said that even homophobes love him..why did Brian just have a flashback to that blonde dude rejecting him? Again whats going on this episode?!’ Hunter says theres no solution to him being treated bad by his classmates ‘burn the school down to the ground. Problem solved. I’m surprised Ben doesn’t understand Hunter..like dude Deb treated you like shit for half a season?’ And we are at Britin scene ‘AHHHHH MY BOYS! (Brian says he’s gonna burn mikeys house down) GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE! (Justin asks Brian whats his problem and my brother pauses the ep) i could ask the same thing! Because why are they zooming in on you all the time? Whats going on my Blondie? (And Brandon is back on screen) whats up with Baywatch wannabe? Brian is actually talking about his problems to Justin? SEE GROWTH! Why is he so passive aggressive to him?’ ‘Emy, Brian was telling you the truth. Oh shit, what is he gonna do? Fuck someone on live tv? *forgets about the cast and goes to make a fist* FUCK. I cant have anything this season’ and we’re at the scene where Brandon is there during Brian’s meeting ‘okay who the fuck is he and why is he everywhere? How rude up to tell Bri he doesn’t have fears about aging meanwhile he’s ready to jump out a window over it. Why does Brian even care about Baywatch? I feel like even though it would bother him, he’d act like he doesnt give a fuck. WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!’ Em is talking about underwear on tv ‘oh god, oh god. I wish this was real news but holy fucking shit. I need Emmett back at party planning. SEE EM, BRIAN WAS RIGHT! Everyone is always rude to him but he’s the only one who tells the truth’ and Britin is at the house warming party *he sees Monty/Ely* ‘ughh i forgot they existed. I dont get how they can be friends with them? Is it cause of the whole birds of the feather thing? Aka boring and annoying attracts? (Mikey introduces JR and it shows Hunter) WHAT ABOUT HUNTER?! I swear they forgot about him. (Brian and Em/Ted bump into each other) Why is Emmett angry? We all know he was telling the truth….a bit rudely but fuck it. Why is Emy lying? *looks at me shocked* is it possible that Lindsays hair got worse? (Ben pulls out the Rage comics) oh no, i still hate this. (Monty/eli speak up)WHY ARE THESE TWO DUDES SO OBSESSED WITH EVERYONE BEING MARRIED WITH KIDS?! Oh i just know Blondie was hiding this from Bri. Id be annoyed too. WHATS WITH THE ZOOM IN ON BLONDIE?’

he somehow convinced himself that he was just reading too much into Justin’s behavior previous episodes and that he misunderstood Randy’s performance and that all will be okay - oh noooooo Brother Anon, you are not wrong but tens of us wish you were.

I love that your brother was mourning Freddie and made the bartender put on Queen and listen to him talk about QAF. Are we surrrreeee your brother isn't a little queer?

Oh my god, he's Debbie. If Debbie were a man.

HE TURNED BRIAN DOWN? Bri Bri, i would never treat you like that! <- UM exactly

His horror at the Rage wedding issue is appropriate and correct. WHYYYYY.

I love how much he hates Monty/Eli

And how much he appreciates that Brian tells Emmett the truth. Look, would you rather have people who blindly support you in your life or would you rather have a Brian?

And yes, the entire "OUR CHILD JR" and completely neglecting Hunter smh.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

[menalez]

looking through this dumb discourse and of course chinese women who are friends with fucking biphobic chaofan1968 are losing their minds because you "didn't even mention the rwacism that jesie woman was doing!!" honestly there are just certain groups of people you need to block on sight and if chinese speaking "radfems" can't handle the fact that indian people in singapore would definitely experience more racism than a majority group of chinese people then they're purposely missing the point and just trying to pick fights because they think they're the most oppressed ever. none of these people have any kind of reading comprehension and just pick one sentence you said and run with it to make you seem like you did something wrong when you literally didn't, especially since a lot of these people who are angry don't even speak english so they're probably completely missing the context. also you're not being a very good sinophobe if you're dating an asian lol

uhhhh i think you’re either misunderstanding the situation or potentially fanning the flames here.

as far as i know, chaofan1968 has nothing to do with the chinese-speaking radfems that came onto 1 post and there’s nothing to indicate she (or any chinese-speaking radfem) is related to the shit-stirring anons. i don’t think that’s a fair assumption to make simply bc she’s ethnically chinese too.

i don’t think they complained that i didn’t mention her racism tbh? maybe one anon did but it just seemed like that anon was whining that i was reasserting the point they kept calling me racist for (that not all singaporeans are of chinese descent) instead of jumping to hate on a woman i do not know based on another anon’s word (which doesn’t make sense. ofc if someone is criticising me for something i’m going to respond to what they’re criticising me for instead of talking about some random woman i don’t know ??)

i did not comment on whether or not indian people face more racism in singapore when compared to chinese people. i assume that is likely the case by virtue of chinese singaporeans being the vast majority and malay & indian singaporeans being a minority comparatively, but i would not assert something like that. i’m not knowledgable enough on singaporean politics to make such assertions to begin with. that said, my gf’s best friend (also taiwanese) was living in singapore for years and she did say that brown singaporeans (including malay here) get treated worse than white & chinese singaporeans. i did not talk to the malay or indian singaporeans i know about this tho so.. again, no idea about that so i’m not asserting anything. i don’t think that was a discussion anyone was having?

i also don’t think the chinese-speaking radfems on here were the same as the anons i was getting. the anons were almost all if not all non-asians and non-singaporeans and seemingly even westerners. i agree the ANONS are clearly shit-stirrers with bad intentions. the chinese-speaking radfems may have simply mistranslated or misunderstood the situation due to the anons, which from what someone told me, one of those anons did go to those bloggers to make them believe i’m being racist against asians. i wish they didn’t jump to believe said anons, but i won’t blame them for that. after the way some people on here were actually being racist to east asian radfems, i can understand the readiness to think someone is doing that. maybe they translated what i said and the translation seemed malicious or something, idk, but i’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. that said, it says on my blog where i’m from and it takes 1 google search to find out that country is in asia. so i didn’t appreciate all of them going on my post to say i’m a westerner obsessed with asia etc etc because literally none of it could apply even if they wanted it to.

all in all, i agree that all of this is genuinely stupid and baffling but i think part of the issue is people were jumping to assume the worst about me with little to no basis, and so i think theres a similar issue with your anon here.

[rose2jam]

Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult, an essay by Rose Jam

So, let’s talk about Cults. Disclaimer: This is just information I’ve gathered over the years from my personal fascination with religious cults.  I’m in no way an expert or a psychologist or whatever.  This is just my personal understanding from the research I’ve done.

A cult is started when a wildly charismatic Leader feels like they have a purpose, a higher calling, or a mission to be fulfilled (or they could also just be an egomaniac). Maybe they really do feel like what makes them special comes directly from a higher power, be that God, or the Heir of Slytherin, but either way, this person has a pathological need to be worshiped, and they need followers in order to do that.  

So, how does one obtain Followers easily? By finding the misunderstood misfits of society, and promising them something.  The people who feel like no one else understands them, or their ideologies.  But this Leader?  This Leader GETS IT, MAN! The Leader understands them perfectly, vindicates them, and makes them promises along the way.  Like, if they stick with the Leader, then not only will they finally be understood, but they themselves will also be revered.  That they will rise above all of the others who have put them down for so long, and will come out on top as a superior being.  

Any of this sounding familiar?

Charles Manson preyed on young people in the middle of the hippie movement, mostly women, who were feeling lost, lonely, and in need of guidance, or in terms of the men he recruited, seeking power over others.  Not all of these people were poor or helpless; some of them came from middle class, or even rich homes and families.  Yes, some of them came from broken homes, but all of them felt “broken” themselves, in some way. So Manson used their desires to have a family to draw them in.  He then used LSD and other drugs to keep them under his control, and he created a manipulative environment where the members of his “family” felt they could never leave him, and if they didn’t follow his commands, something horrible would happen to them.  I’m not going to go into full detail on the Manson Family Murders, but if you’re personally interested, check out the Podcast “Cults” on Spotify.

So back to basics, this Leader draws in Followers with flowery promises of community, power, family, or whatever.  But once the Leader has that following, the terror will begin.  Cult Leaders are usually master manipulators, and have completely brainwashed their followers into believing the “us vs them” mentality, that the outside world is evil, that the outside world will only harm them, that the outside world would never understand what they’re doing on the inside.  And that the Leader is the only one who knows the truth, so they better stick with him.  Or maybe the Leader has gaslit his followers so completely, that they become dependent on him for everything, to the point where they don’t know how they would possibly function without the Leader.  Or, the Leader has created an environment that’s so hostile, that Followers are too afraid of what might happen to them if they tried to leave, or didn’t do what the Leader commanded.  Typically, it’s a combination of all of the above.  Destructive cults will either hurt others outside of their circle (The Manson Family, Sect of Nacozari), harm themselves (Heaven’s Gate, The Ant Hill Kids), or both (The People’s Temple, Aum Sinrikyo).  

Now that I’ve laid this foundation, I’m going to tell you why it was practically inevitable that Severus Snape would join a cult.

Snape’s childhood ultimately laid the foundation for the mental state he would be in when he decided to join the Death Eaters.  He grew up in an abusive household, where his father, the muggle, had his magical wife so thoroughly whipped, that she couldn’t (or chose not to) use magic to defend herself, or her son (1).  Eileen had obviously told Severus about magic, about Hogwarts, about what a wonderful place it was, and what a wonderful gift magic could be.  Severus also watched as Tobias beat the magic out of her.  (I know it’s debated whether Tobias actually physically abused his family, but he certainly verbally/mentally/emotionally abused them, so the term “beat” could be used figuratively as well).  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that Severus developed an extreme hatred of muggles with “burn the witch” mentalities from a very young age because of this.

Enter Lily, perhaps the only other magical person in his life besides his mother up to this point. He sees her using magic out in the open, perhaps recklessly, for fun, and he sees an opportunity to make a friend (and, admittedly, to be smarter than someone about something for a while). He was so eager to tell her all about magic, because getting to learn magic, and go to Hogwarts, has possibly been the only thing keeping him going in his young life.  And now he’s made a friend, a real friend who doesn’t think he’s weird because he’s magical.  Unlike Petunia, yet another muggle who makes fun of him for being weird (2). And Lily actually seems to like him back.  For a kid who probably hasn’t received a lot of affection in his life, this is monumental.  This friendship is everything.  Why wouldn’t he love her?

So the time finally comes to go to Hogwarts.  Severus gets to escape his abusive household, and finally has an opportunity to embrace magic for the first time in his life.  But almost immediately, he’s met with a hic-up.  Specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black.  So Severus is no longer facing abuse exclusively from muggles who think he’s weird, but now he’s also getting it from other magical people who think he’s weird (3).  And this started on the fucking TRAIN before he even GOT to Hogwarts. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t sour a kids dream right off the fucking bat.  And then, when he finally gets there, he’s separated from his only friend, by being sorted into different houses (4).  What a way for a life-long dream to be thoroughly dashed in less than 24 hours.

Let’s look at Snape’s Hogwarts experience.  He’s a good student, and he pours himself into learning as much magic as possible, and at being the best he can possibly be, probably motivated by a desire to be better than what his Father thinks possible.  During this time, he is regularly bullied and abused by the Marauders. Sometime before his 5th year, the Incident at the Shrieking Shack took place.  It definitely sucks to have been so thoroughly fucking duped, and put into a life-threatening situation involving a goddamn werewolf (5).  But perhaps even worse than that, the salt in the wound, was that no one fucking did anything about it (6).  He saw Sirius and James and Remus get out of that situation without facing any sort of proper punishment (as in, they all still stayed at the school as opposed to being expelled like they DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN (At least Sirius should have been)). Dumbledore was looking out for the Marauders, but no one was looking out for Severus.  On top of that, Severus isn’t allowed to TELL anyone about it, not even Lily.  So, he goes through what was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he can’t even tell anyone that it happened.

So, what sort of support system does Severus have during all this?  He has Lily, sure (who literally told him he should be GRATEFUL to James, one of his abusers).  But, what he really has, is Slytherin House (7). I’ll say it plainly: Severus was sorted into a house that was already full of existing cult members.  McGonagall says in Sorcerer’s Stone that “Your house will be like your family” (she at least says it in the movies, I’m too lazy to get up and reference my books rn lol).  So, Severus’ family, his support system, for 10 months out of every year, is a house that is already full to the brim with pureblood elitists with prejudiced ideals, who would absolutely vindicate Severus in his dislike for muggles.  As a kid first getting sorted into the house, it’s obviously not unreasonable to become friends with the people you’re literally living with.  His dorm mates became his family.  So, when his dorm mates started to become Death Eaters… This is headcanon, I fully admit, but like, fuck, Severus didn’t have a lot of friends, and was probably already drifting apart from Lily.  Do you really think he was going to tell the people he had to live with every single day, not to mention the only people that had been supporting him for years, to go fuck themselves for using Dark Magic?  Especially when he was probably feeling like he was on the verge of thinking that their rhetoric made some sense?

On to Snape’s Worst Memory (8).  At this point, he’s spent 5 years in Slytherin House, with fellow students who casually throw around the M word.  He gets attacked by James and Sirius, he’s practically defenseless, and then the girl who he’d considered his closest friend for so long… has to force herself not to smile when he’s thrown upside down and exposed to everyone on the grounds.  Sure, she was trying to defend him at first, but she also fucking nearly smiled at his humiliation, his pain, his abuse.  So he hurls the one word that he knows is going to cut the deepest, that will hopefully hurt her as badly as she has hurt him. And it works.

Severus had been beaten down his entire life.  By Muggles and Magic Folk alike.  And finally, he’s betrayed by Lily, his last lifeline to the light.  He betrayed her as well, of course.  But he did try to show remorse.  And she doesn’t forgive him (9), which was her prerogative, of course.  

So.  Who does he have left?

I’ve placed little (numbers) throughout my writing here.  Each of those numbers denote the specific events that led Severus to becoming an angry young man, who hates muggles, hates (some) magic folk, and resulted in him feeling weak, helpless, and desperate.  For what?  For power, for a family, for a community.  For a world where he is no longer the weird one.  For a world where he’s respected, strong.  For the world he thought he was going to be a part of, when he arrived at Hogwarts in his first year.

And it just so happens that this is the exact world that Voldemort is (allegedly) trying to create.

Severus Snape was angry, and vulnerable, and as such, he was practically the poster child for the type of person who would be susceptible to falling for a cult.  Maybe he was recruited by his friends in Slytherin House.  Maybe he was recruited directly.  Either way, charismatic Tom Riddle came along, understood how he felt, where he was coming from, told him he deserved better, and offered him all of the things he never had in his life.  And being at rock bottom, being the lowest of the low, to Severus it must have seemed like a miracle of an opportunity, or perhaps, like the only chance he had left.

Now, let me be extremely clear; everything I’ve written is not trying to EXCUSE Severus Snape for his actions.  There is always a point where personal responsibility must come into play.  Except for children born into cults or victims of kidnapping, nearly every person who has ever joined a cult has made the personal decision to join it. I’m just trying to express how unbelievably easy it is, for a Cult Leader to find people with damaged lives and low self-worth, to suck them in with promises of a fulfilling life and grandeur, and for those people to be easily swept up and brainwashed into believing that what they are doing is right.  (Or that what they are doing is required, because the alternative is more horrifying.)  

The type of people who joined the Death Eaters are the same type of people who joined Heaven’s Gate, or The People’s Temple, or yes, The Manson Family.  Now, I’m just going to say, from my own personal point of view, I do not vilify anyone who’s ever joined a destructive cult.  On the contrary, I feel sorry for them.  Because most people who join a cult, don’t necessarily do it signing up for the… end result of what happened to them.  Some of them totally do, like Heaven’s Gate. Most of them knew that the end result was going to be the “evacuation of their earthly vessel”.  But the people who joined the Manson Family, for instance, did not initially join it KNOWING how it was going to end.  They were part of the family long before Manson even came up with Helter Skelter, and by the time the Tate-LaBianca Murders took place, they were already too far gone to go against it.

I highly recommend anyone who’s interested in a humanizing view of former cult members, to read the essay “Leslie Van Houten: A Friendship” by John Waters. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/leslie-van-houten-a-frien_b_246953

Or, at the very least, listen to this 7 minute NPR interview with John Waters about the essay https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111585116

It’s the story of how notorious film maker John Waters, became friends with former Manson Girl, Leslie Van Houten, and about how she broke away from the cult after her conviction, how she’s spent the last 51 years of her life recovering from the psychotic influence of a maniac who’d promised her the world, and how even though she was convicted to life WITH a possibility of parole, it’s never been granted to her, despite the fact that she has done literally everything possible to try and atone for her crimes.

Maybe I’m just a bleeding heart.  I’m pretty much the only person I know who feels sorry for Leslie Van Houten and other cult members who were brainwashed, abused, and manipulated into doing a lot of the horrible things they’ve done.  But there are people in the world, who have committed FAR more heinous crimes than the Manson Family murders, and who are far less repentant than Leslie, but because those crimes weren’t as notorious, they get to walk free.

Addendum: When I first posted this, I had a few people point out to me that they had always associated Voldemort and the Death Eaters with Hitler and Nazi Germany.  This is a perfectly fair point, but one that I personally don’t jive with, and the reason is simply the numbers.   There were literally millions of people in the Nazi party during WW2.   Death Eaters don’t even reach triple digits, as far as I’m aware.  As I hinted at in this essay, I consider Voldemort and the Death Eaters to be MUCH closer to Charles Manson and the Manson Family.  The Manson Family 100% had Nazi ideology, of course. "Helter Skelter” was Charles Manson’s prediction that there was going to be a massive race war; one that the Whites were going to lose, and that he and his Pure White family would emerge from it in order to rule over the remaining Blacks.  Kinda... sounds like a Death Eater thing, huh?

Sorry.  Back to Snape.  There is a lot we don’t know about Severus’ actual time as a Death Eater. I think it can be reasonably assumed he’s never actually killed anyone before Dumbledore (In Prince’s Tale, Severus questions if his soul would be safe from killing Dumbledore, and Dumbledore implies that his soul would not be damaged by helping an old man avoid pain and humiliation.  This leads me to believe that Severus never committed any soul-damaging murders before this).  Beyond being a sneaky spy and delivering the prophecy to Voldemort, his time as a Death Eater is all up for conjecture.  

Severus does make one important deviation from the typical cult member mold, however.  In the end, he manages to break away from the cult.  The scales fall from his eyes.  In a figurative sense, the LSD has worn off.  What made him sober up, was the threat to his last lifeline to the light. The one good fucking thing he’d ever had in his miserable life.  He was brought back by genuine love.  Ya know, the ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THE HP SERIES. And not only did he leave the cult, but he then spent the rest of his life actively attempting to destroy it, and atone for the mistakes he’s made, in an effort to bring back the world he’d been excited for, as an 11-year-old kid, so full of hope.

#Snape Meta #Severus Snape #Pro Snape #Snapedom #Snape Community #This will be the TRUE test of the tags #Essay Jam #Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult

[fruggo]

Hi hi can I req Danny, Leon and Steve with a male s/o who's a real goofy guy? Cracks jokes during chases, just can't take things too seriously, laid back and chill guy who prioritizes having fun

absolutely, thanks for requesting!! :D this is cute haha. i hope you like it!

danny, leon, and steve with goofy m!s/o

𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐍

danny would consider himself a pretty fun guy, though perhaps his idea of fun would not be the same as a normal person's. so i wouldn't take his word for it if i were you.

honestly? he thinks you're the shit. he genuinely likes your bad dad jokes great puns, will banter back and forth with you, and he might even give you the hatch instead of a mori. although he would love to have your picture, it can wait until the next trial. or the next if he still doesn't feel like it. who knows?

he likes that you're not too serious about everything. since danny is the entity's golden boy, he never has to worry about anything! he likes it here! and it's cool that someone else has a similar mindset about things. although he might have misunderstood "making the best of the situation and just being a goofy person" for "liking it here". you never really clarified which one it was, and why should he ask?

when danny finds out that you act basically the same way with all the killers, cracking jokes and laughing things off in chases, he gets all pouty. he thought he was special. well, looks like you're getting that mori now.

he still likes you though, and he gives you even more special attention now in the form of tunneling and camping! he means well <3 (no he doesn't he is a little bitch and a loser)

but then he hears stories from the other killers about you, and is pleased to find that you are significantly more fun with him, and, dare i say, flirty!

but he still wants to tunnel and camp you.

when you realize what he's doing, you don't get mad about it. what's the point? in fact you think it's really funny.

the first time danny proximity-camped you, you found it rewarding to just talk and talk and talk until he finally talked back. it took a while, but he did finally respond.

you would just say dumb shit, and then you would say more dumb shit, and then it got annoying and danny had to tell you to shut up. and then you would just dramatically whisper something like "okay, pissbaby."

and danny thought maybe he should be angry with you, but he just wasn't. he couldn't be mad at you, because even if he was, you wouldn't care. you weren't scared of him.

so when he finally left and you got unhooked, he tunneled you obviously. it makes sense, okay?

"wow, am i that handsome and gorgeous and attractive?" you monologued while smashing a pallet onto danny's head. "i'm really just so irresistible that you want to tunnel me? honestly, danny, i'm flattered. i'm touched."

danny couldn't remember since when you were on a first name basis, but he let it slide. just because maybe he thinks you are that handsome and gorgeous and attractive.

dude danny is kinda fucked up but like. he's funny. and charming. and he also let you take off his mask once, and so now you know he's also hot. he has a few things going for him as long as you ignore the part where he chases you with a knife.

𝐋𝐄𝐎𝐍 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐃𝐘

leon, our favorite rookie :D he's so cute!!! sorry im gushing i just cant resist i love him !!

and you love him too, so much. that's why you accidentally distract him during trials by goofing off and almost getting him killed

it's out of love. leon knows that. you don't really mean to.

while leon's doing a generator, you are probably somewhere nearby trying to find something even remotely interesting to do. and that might involve climbing a tree, then falling out of the tree. but it wasnt your fault! you swore the crows were attacking you, they didn't want you up in that tree because they knew you were just so cool up there and the Entity couldn't have somebody being better and hotter and funnier than itself so high in the sky.

leon could only smile and shake his head, inspecting you for the wounds you inevitably had. when you said you were fine, he was very skeptical, because your version of fine was never the same as his.

the killer knew where you were now because of your very loud "FUCK!" as the crows supposedly attacked you and forced you out of the tree, so you immediately put on your game face and got ready to command some attention.

leon said no, you were not in the right headspace to get chased. you only shrugged at him, slapped his ass, and ran towards the killer yelling, "HEY YOU WANNA HEAR AN AGGIE JOKE?"

leon was used to this by now, and he found it rather endearing. you were an enigma to him, really. how you could be so laid back about this whole murder-die-sacrifice thing was beyond him, but it was refreshing. he liked your enthusiasm.

since he had just come from raccoon city, he was still in his "i have to do the right thing and save everybody because it's my duty" kind of mood. you made sure to lighten up that burden and remind him that it's okay to chill sometimes, and he can't save everybody, especially not here. if you were in a particularly bad trial, you always made sure to get him to crack a smile.

likewise, leon wasn't always too jazzed about your "funny guy gets killed so the team can live" complex. he knew you didn't care, or at least you said you didn't, but he still hated that you constantly sacrificed yourself and acted like it was no big deal. to him, it was. he hated going back to the campfire alone and waiting forever for you to show up again; he cared about you and it hurt to see you sacrifice yourself so much even if he knew you would return.

leon didn't have a stick up his ass or anything--he had his fair share of humorous moments (i mean have you seen infinite darkness ashdjshdf that man just wants love and food). he just wants to save everybody, you included. it's frustrating to come to terms with the fact that he can't.

he loves it when he can hear you yelling at the killer mid-chase from afar, be it a pun or a swear or both. you've even influenced him to crack his own jokes while being chased sometimes--it comes out more often if he's being tunneled. if you ever happened to see him do it, you would wipe a fake tear from your face and start clapping. you were very proud of your rookie.

𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐕𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐓𝐎𝐍

the killers hated you and steve, and i mean like despised you

you were so chill. and for what???? why do you have chill???? nobody else has chill, what makes you think you deserve to have chill????

they could never make you angry and that made them super angry

you and steve would quip back and forth between chases, sometimes going so far as to pretend the killer is not there and talk about something like what kind of cheese you missed eating the most. let me tell you, that did not make the trickster happy.

he was a star!! a star, and here you two little shits were, ignoring him to talk about cheese. honestly, the audacity.

you and steve ran to the killer shack with the trickster on your heels, still talking about cheese. how the conversation had gone on this long was a mystery, and it continued to be a mystery while the two of you shared a chase in the shack.

steve was very happy to have found someone to share his sentiments with. everybody was so serious all the time, and while he was similar to leon with his altruistic streaks, he was slightly less responsible and occasionally enjoyed doing dumb stunts just for shits and giggles.

you can bet that whenever you are in a trial together, it's a competition to see who can hold the killer's attention longer. your teammates don't mind--all they have to do is complete gens, so their job is fairly easy. and it's always entertaining to catch sight of one of you sprinting with a new flashlight in your hand to go annoy the crap out of the killer.

there's no question that steve would die for you a hundred times over, and you would do the same for him. you didn't see it as a very big deal--you didn't see anything here as a very big deal. steve was the only important thing you had, really, and you cared for him a lot. saving him? kapeesh. no sweat.

scenario: steve is being chased, you throw yourself in front of him, the killer has noed, you are hooked, you give him a thumbs up as you die, he flips you off because why the fuck would you die for him what is wrong with you he's supposed to die for you and you know that?? why would you do that???? great, now steve gets to escape and it's all your fault.

you would simply smile. he was so cute sometimes.

#requests #fruggo writes #dbd x reader #dead by daylight x reader #dbd #dead by daylight #danny johnson x reader #ghostface x reader #leon kennedy x reader #steve harrington x reader #headcanons #dbd headcanons

[randomprose]

jiang cheng with the junior quartet in which they've outgrown their fear of him and they realized sect leader jiang is just a giant grumpy cat with mother-hen tendencies.

when they night hunt with him occasionally he always has snacks and buys them street food if they finish early. he'll scold them for eating unhealthily but buys them the treats anyway. once, ozz said he's never had zongzi so jc bought them all one each from a stall.

he doesn't even say anything to wen ning anymore. when he sees that the juniors are with him, he just gives an acknowledging nod and a gruff reminder directed at the four of them to don't do anything stupid before going on his way. like he trusts them with him.

but anyway, these juniors start to pester jiang cheng whenever they're in yunmeng and they've somewhat learn how to decipher his scowls and screams from normal fond-bordering-on-affectionate ones to actually angry ones—the latter of which is rarely ever directed at them.

they're over at lotus pier whenever JL is. JL doesn't get to go there much now because of his sect leader duties but when he is, he is sure followed by his friends. it's like they've decided lotus pier is their go to headquarters where they can fool around and shit. jiang cheng would pretend he hates it and finds them all a nuisance ("don't you kids have your own sects to go home to?? lotus pier is not your play place! why are you brats always here?!") but he's really glad JL's got friends with him now. he used to be such a lonely child.

overtime, they just randomly pop up even when JL isn't there. jiang cheng is always surprised to see either lsz, ljy, or ozz in the compound saying they were in the area and decided to pop in for a greeting like: hi sect leader jiang! how are you? been to any night hunts lately?

they're over there a lot that they even have their own regular guest quarters by now. ones close to JL's suites in the family compound. they sometimes train with the disciples but otherwise they just mess around lotus pier and swim in the lakes. especially in the summers.

JL is ecstatic! finally! people who understands his jiujiu's weird show of affection other than wwx! JL thinks his jiujiu is just severely misunderstood but he really is just a Big Softie with grumpy tendencies.

oh and he teaches them stuff too obviously, but not in the way that's playful and interactive like wwx or direct like lwj. jiang cheng's wisdom comes in random bouts in the middle of night hunts. small tidbits on fighting born out of experiences from the war and life in general. the profound ones come when he's two bottles deep just before turning in or when they're strolling on busy night markets going home and he doesn't even mean to but the juniors are like 'wow that makes so much fucking sense we never thought of it that way what the fuck.'

when the juniors are night hunting near yunmeng or if lotus pier is their meeting point and jiang cheng doesn't get to come with them, he makes the servants pack them extra snacks or pile them on to JL to share with his friends. the servants are careful not to say anything but they all know it's under sect leader jiang's orders

ohmygod jiang cheng is such an overbearing mother hen. but in a good way! the juniors learned to enjoy it the best they can and needle him into buying them snacks or letting them do stuff they normally wouldn't get away with from wangxian. he's literally the grumpy uncle who's also the most indulgent.

on god can you imagine jiang cheng being THAT UNCLE who lets u get away with small misdemeanors?? ABSOLUTELY INSANE. but he does with the juniors!! like he trusts them to not be so stupid and call for help when need (also they have a fierce corpse as a companion most of the time anyway, so).

some sprinkles of wangxian bc i'm a slut for them: 

wangxian notice that they've been talking a lot about sect leader jiang. “oh,” wwx says, “you went night hunting with jiang cheng? when was this how come i’ve never heardof it?” he's clearly itching to ask more he's practically vibrating.

ljy: don’t worry wei-qianbei you're still our favorite! sect leader jiang is our close 3rd  wwx: 3rd? who's 1 and 2? ozz: you and hgj are #1 of course! wwx: we tied for #1?   ljy: yeah you're practically a package deal. do not separate and all that wwx: who's #2 tho? ozz: wen-qianbei! wwx: huh. valid.

jl: speak for yourselves. jiujiu is my #1. wwx: that's also very valid too a-ling. otherwise i'll have to scold you for being unfilial and jiang cheng will break your legs for breaking his heart.

once while relaying a report, lsz called jiang cheng ‘shūshū’ and wwx had to do a double take because um what? what did you just call jiang cheng? lsz blushed and stuttered an explanation before jl explained obnoxiously:

jl: jiujiu told him to call him that. told him to go to the ancestral hall to pay respects too. he must really like you sizhui.  ljy, #1 sizhui fan: of course he likes sizhui! everyone does! wwx: is it true sizhui? lsz, blushing:...shūshū's nice... wwx:...jiang cheng...shushu...nice..ok....okok...

lmao one of them (either ozz or ljy but i think it will be more hilarious if it's ljy) slipped and called jiang cheng 'jiujiu' once just because he kept hearing jl calling him that. jiang cheng just turns to him with a mild "that's jiang-zongzhu to you, lan jigyi."

and god!!! ljy is so mortified!!! this is worst than that one time he accidentally called hgj 'dad'!! it doesn't help that his friends are assholes (yes even sizhui!!) and never let him live it down. especially JL!! he's all "don't go stealing my jiujiu now" fuck you JL!! as if ljy will!!

also, once when they were sassing jiang cheng, (they get!! to sass sect leader jiang!! and he only threatened to break their legs once!!) and ljy got the last word in, jiang cheng hit him w/ a "is that any way to talk to ur uncle? huh, nephew?" which effectively shut up ljy as his friends roared in laughter propriety be damned!!

((yes i was thinking of that B99 episode where jake peralta called captain holt dad and holt went in for the ride and called jake 'son' lmao))

goodddd!!! i live for the junior quartet discovering that underneath jiang cheng's rough exterior he's a Big Softie who's also hilarious even when he doesn't mean to. JL is very happy with this development and wwx is happy to hear stories about his brother having fun with the kids.

this ran long but i also just wanna says this is because of queen jiang yanli's influence (you guys notice how yunmeng trio are all good with kids?) 

ANYWAY! this is me again with my 'Jiang Cheng is Great With Kids So Give Him More Kids To Take Care Of' agenda and you all should jump in on it thank you.

[posted on twitter]

#i just think jc will be so good with kids of all ages #he's got so much love to give #and noone to give it to #so it's just all pent up inside him #so he's all rage-y and shit #jiang cheng #junior quartet #lan sizhui #lan jingyi #jin ling #ouyang zizhen #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #headcanon #mdzs headcanons

[minor-solemnity]

What's your favorite character from the golden trio era?

Oooh idk possibly this is an unpopular opinion - at least it was when I was like, properly in the fandom rather than where I am now which is firmly on the sidelines with my hands over my ears and ignoring everything that I don't like - but Cho Chang. This is probably in part because she got so much undeserved hatred (thank u fandom and author racism) and I am predisposed to like characters that people don't like.

I find her character so heartbreakingly real in a way that I think is entirely accidental on JKR's part. I don't think JK can write women. (Plz don't hate me for that, but like, it's true.) Everything interesting about the characters we are meant to like gets sanded down and ignored in the later books - Hermione's whole thing is like, book smart but not emotionally intelligent, she wants to be right and have people know she's right more than she cares about their feelings. She thinks rules are important until they apply to her. She is ruthless and vindictive and petty. These are interesting character traits that just get completely dropped in the later books. By the time book 6 ends and book 7 starts Hermione is 'wife' and 'mother' and it's kinda sad.

I digress.

Cho's boyfriend is murdered. Cho is understandably upset and heartbroken and sad af. She tries to find comfort in Harry because Harry was there, Harry must understand. Harry can help her process. Their ways of dealing with trauma are completely opposite to each other. Cho seeks emotional vulnerability and closeness from the boy who, of all people, will understand. Harry's way of processing trauma is to ignore it. It happened, it sucks, I will never speak of it again (until all my unprocessed emotions come spilling out and I end up lashing out and getting angry). Those two ways of dealing with trauma are not going to work well together. Harry is honestly a dick towards her - she's his fantasy. She's not a real person to him. When that fantasy comes crashing down he behaves pretty awfully towards her. And if you're reading critically, you come away thinking yeah, Cho's a whiny crybaby who doesn't get Harry at all. What a bitch. When in reality, it's more like - Cho is seriously fucked up and is trying to come to terms with her grief and seek comfort in someone who she thought would get it.

Imagine being like, 16 and being isolated and sad and so fundamentally misunderstood. Imagine being 18 and your friends are dead and the boy you liked is still dead and the other boy you thought you might like is a hero and the only thing you're really known for is the mess that is your grief. Imagine that the popular consensus is that your grief is something to be ridiculed.

I tend to pick and chose which parts of the extended canon I believe in, but I believe in Cho moving to America and getting hitched to an American muggle dude. (Moving to America is probably my own headcanon actually). What would motivate her to move across the world? Grief? Wonderlust? Anger? I imagine it's all three. Idk if this is a relatable feeling to a lot of people, but I get it. I have a constant itch under my skin that tells me to move on whenever a place starts to feel too much like home. To leave. To escape. Nowhere feels like home because home is a collection of broken things. It's a hall of funhouse mirrors - the wires in your brain get mixed up. Comfort and safety become synonymous with 'i will fuck this up' and 'i don't deserve this' and 'everyone will leave'.

I want so many things for Cho. I want her name to make sense. I want her to be seen as something other than 'pretty' and 'sad'. I want her in Boston slamming Sam Adams by Sam Adams grave because she finds it funny. I want her in Boston, learning to drive a car (stick-shift because the driving instructor had made a comment about how automatics are easier to learn and she is tired of people seeing her as something weak and unable). I want her road-raging and I want her to drive across the country because why the fuck not. I want her in New York and the city is so frantic and no one looks at her and she feels so small and the lights are so bright and she thinks maybe she could disappear here and no one would ever know. I want her to find a group of women rollerskating and maybe they invite her to their roller derby group. It isn't flying, but it's fast and aggressive and she's never allowed herself to be aggressive like this before. She's not allowed herself to be angry like this before. No one else has allowed her to be angry like this before.

I want her to go to California and to go to Angel Island and I want her to understand that there have been people like her before. That she is not alone in this feeling. I want her to meet a dude who's studying for an MBA - he doesn't know who she is. Doesn't know what she is. She's just this cute girl who drinks Sam Adams even tho that's a Boston thing and they're in San Diego. He's probably a frat boy. I want him to be a frat boy who takes his degree too seriously and wakes up at like 5 because he's also a gym rat. He takes her to his boxing class. She probably cries during and hey that's okay - she has a lot of shit to work through, he can tell. He doesn't ask about it. Just says her accent is cute. Maybe she starts taking night classes, maybe she doesn't. She's weirdly technologically illiterate - she sends him postcards even though they live in the same city. She says its because her school didn't let them have phones. She's never seen a Tarintino film and that's just like... not cool. They watch True Romance on his shitty box TV in his room in his frat house and she laughs (she laughs like the violence is cathartic) when Alabama completely destroys Virgil. He looks at her and she shrugs and says 'I get it.'

She says that's she's leaving soon - doesn't know where. Probably isn't coming back and again that's... not cool. She's weird about some stuff. Won't talk about home - won't say where she's from. He should be fine with it because like, it's not as if this is anything serious and his life is pretty clearly planned out. Get an MBA, work in some start-up tech company - the internet is a thing now and god, there's money to be made. He thinks maybe that she should like, stay but she also seems like the kind of person who doesn't know how to stop running. And look, he's doing an MBA. He rushed his frat. He goes to boxing every morning without fail. He's determined. He's not good at letting the things he wants go. But he lets her go because she doesn't want to stay. One night afterwards, his frat bro says, philosophical because they're crossfaded, that maybe she can't stay. Maybe she won't let herself stay. And that... That sounds about right.

So he waits. He waits and he gets postcards with no return address - in Seattle, she tries ice hockey. In Miami, she tries surfing. He almost gets on a plane to Cincinnati because she got into a fight with some dude who made his girlfriend cry in public. Apparently, she knocked him out with a punch just the way he showed her to. It feels weirdly romantic.

I want her to write a postcard to him when she's sitting in a bar in Las Vegas and I want her to include a return address. I want him on the first flight out, because fuck his classes? She included a return address. He asks her if she's ever going to go home and she looks at him and says, 'What? To San Diego?'

#cho chang #meta #oh god i wrote meta #this isn't even meta tbh - this is basically a fic #this very much got away from me #can u tell i have feelings about women being angry? #grief and anger taste the same #harry potter #asks #anon #she speaks

[welcometothemxdhouse]

Lectures (pt.3)

I know this took a while i’ve just restarted uni after a year off so it has kinda been chaos. Originally i was only going to make this a three part small fic but i’m actually kinda enjoying thinking about how i’m going to develop Frederick in a timeline outside of the tv show. I want to try and keep his personality as close as possible, and i know there is a dark side to that which i may explore, but mostly this is just me wanting to give him a hug. 

Also just a mention; all the words in italics are like internal thoughts.

This is gender neutral except one line which indicates that reader is female. I wanted to write the line because it is important to me but there was no way for me to make it gender neutral-i’m sorry, i hope you can easily skip over it.

Warnings: Actual smut this time lmao. Nothing crazy just basically oral (male receiving). Also mention of an age-gap/student-professor relationship.

Taglist: @feedthemadness-sweetie​ @prurientpuddlejumper @jonesy201​ @madamsnape921​ @charlottegrice 

Three weeks had been and gone before you were alone with Doctor Chilton again. It was excruciating watching him peacock around the lecture hall twice a week as if nothing had happened-as if you didn't fall asleep every night with the thought of his lips on yours and his hands on your thighs. 

You were snapped out of your daydream by the sounds of annoyed groans, disappointed sighs and an exam paper being dropped on your desk. You looked up just enough to spot the grade written in black ink before dropping your head down into your hands. Fuck, you thought, i’ve really gotta work on that. Before you even had time to consider dropping out for the 100th time this semester, the stern voice of your professor muttered what you’d been hoping to hear for almost a month,

“See me in my office after class.”

It wasn’t a question but a demand and fuck if it didn’t shoot electricity straight to your core. You knew there was a possibility he really did just want to talk about the exam but considering the reactions of everyone around you and the way Doctor Chilton was currently giving them a collective telling-off about how “nobody takes the class seriously” and “no one was proving themselves intelligent enough to be in this class”, you assumed he wanted to see you privately for a different reason. 

You began to pack your things and followed your best friend out of the hall. Ever since you told them about what happened between you and Doctor Chilton they had stopped being so mean to him with everyone else, unfortunately right now they were clearly too angry to care.

“I worked my ASS off for that exam and what? He just decides i’m too dumb to take his class because I misunderstood one question? Which, by the way, was phrased shitty anyway”, you interrupted them by grabbing their arm and dragging them to a halt, “WHAT?” they snapped in response.

“Chilton wants to speak to me about the exam.” you replied. Your friend stopped and stared at you for a second, the smirk rising on their face matching the blush rising on yours. 

“The exam, huh?” 

“Yes. The exam” 

They freed their arm from your grasp and condescendingly patted you on the cheek before turning on their heels and walking away,

“Have fun!” they shouted from down the corridor. Well...at least they stopped being angry for two seconds.

                    ----------------------------------------------------------------

You found yourself, once again, in the corridor outside your professor’s office, only this time the awkwardness of the first meeting was gone. Assuming he wouldn’t have returned from the lecture hall yet you leant against the wall and began mindlessly scrolling on your phone. Your thoughts began to wander to the last time you had been here:

You had just begun to reach down and unbuckle his belt when the sound of a heavy knock on the office door made Doctor Chilton practically jump out of his skin.

Suddenly you became aware of a presence in front of you. You looked up quickly, assuming it was Frederick trying to pull you from your daydreams for the second time today but instead locked eyes with a guy you recognised from one of your classes.

“Hey?” you muttered, trying to wrack your brains for any memory of his name.

“Hi”, he replied, meeting your stare so intently you felt yourself shift uncomfortably on the spot, “I saw you stood here all alone so I assumed you’d want some company”

The actual audacity of men, you laughed to yourself, where the fuck do they get it? 

“I’m good, but thanks anyway.”

He lifted himself off the opposite wall and stepped closer to you, crowding you so close that you subconsciously squeezed your knuckles and held your breath for what was to come.

“If you are going to make out, please do it somewhere other than outside my office.” 

You whipped your head around to see Doctor Chilton standing next to you both nonchalantly, leaning on his cane with one hand and unlocking the door with his other. When he raised his eyes to meet yours you threw him your best ‘i am two seconds away from kicking this guy in the balls’ face before said guy turned his attention back to you,

“Apologies Professor”, he smiled to himself, “you know my name Y/N, message me.” 

You watched the almost-stranger leave before turning back around to meet Doctor Chilton with a sigh,

“I actually don’t know his name.” You whispered, just loud enough for Frederick to hear and you smiled to yourself as he let out a small laugh in return. 

Frederick signalled for you to enter his office first and then closed the door behind the both of you. He paused as if he was debating what to say to you before settling on a quiet,

“Are you okay?”

You wondered briefly if he was normally this gentlemanly. If this is what the real Frederick Chilton was like then his strict, obnoxious image was not doing him any favours. You decided you liked this version better.

“Yeah i’m okay. Not to get all feminist on you but it’s nothing every girl isn’t used to.” you paused and dropped your head to look awkwardly at your shoes, “i guess that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.”

A painfully long silence followed and you wondered, just like last time, if you’d put him off with your stupid comments. You were just about to apologise when his voice, softer than usual, mumbled

“You can leave if you want, Y/N. I’m not a monster, i’m not going to force you to be here.” 

You almost gave yourself whiplash with how quickly you moved to reassure him. You stepped closer to him and rested a hand on his cheek, relishing in the feeling of his stubble scratching your palm as he tilted his head to lean into your touch.

“I want to be here, Doctor Chilton.”

“You can call me Frederick while we’re alone, Y/N”

You reached up on your toes and tentatively pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Okay, Frederick.”

You moved to pull away until Frederick grabbed both sides of your face and pulled you back to him, moaning softly as you lightly bit his bottom lip after a few seconds to deepen the kiss. His hands moved to circle your waist as he walked you back towards the door, reaching behind him and twisting the lock. As soon as you heard the click in the door you detached yourself from Frederick and smiled as you heard him whine quietly at the sudden loss of contact. You grabbed his hand and lead him to his desk, pulling the chair out from behind it and pushing him down to sit. As soon as his legs hit the chair you saw his body stiffen and his eyes began darting around the room, looking anywhere that wasn’t at you. Your stomach twisted in a knot as a million worries passed through your mind within seconds. 

“Frederick...? What’s wrong?”

“I just...”, he flicked his eyes back to you and away again, “I don’t do this often.”

Your breath hitched as you realised what the issue was. He was nervous. This handsome, smart, sexy professor was nervous about having sex with you. Damn this man and his adorableness. If your time alone with Frederick so far had taught you anything it was how easy it was to forget this man was your senior by a substantial amount of years. You momentarily wondered what happened in the course of his life to make him have to cover this shy, awkward, sweet personality with the one that makes everyone hate him. You must be so lonely, Frederick Chilton. You walked over to the desk and perched on the edge, the irony not lost on you later that all three of your first encounters began with you on one of his desks. You leant forward and traced his jaw with your index finger,

“If you don’t want this, we can stop.”

“No i do want this, i want you.” He paused again, “i made you wait three weeks...i don’t want to disappoint you.”

He hardly had time to finish his sentence before you surged forward and captured his lips again. The height difference between the desk and the chair meant his neck was exposed to you above his collar as he reached up to match the energy of the kiss. You dipped your head and trailed open-mouthed kisses down his neck and across his jawline, the whimpers and groans that slipped out of his mouth made shock-after-shock fire down to your core. Watching “Professor Chilton” outside of this office would never have given you a clue that he would be as submissive as he seemed to be now. You made a mental note to explore that later on if this ever happened again. Oh this is definitely going to happen again. As you moved off the desk Frederick’s hands instinctively went to rest on your thighs like the last time you were in this position. You, however, had other ideas. You shuffled to your feet then rapidly dropped to your knees. Frederick’s eyes widened and you heard his breath catch in his throat as he realised what you were doing.

“Fuck Y/N” he groaned, looking down and almost coming in his pants at the sight of you with your dishevelled hair and kiss-swollen lips reaching to unbuckle his belt.

“Is this okay...” ,you asked, stilling your hands and peering up from under your lashes, “sir?”

The moan that came out of Frederick as you simultaneously brushed your hand over the bulge in his trousers was positively abhuman and shit it was hot. You undid the button and zipper on his trousers before pulling them down just enough to lift his dick out of his underwear. If you weren’t dripping before then you certainly were now. You had no idea how he could ever be worried about disappointing you with a dick the size of his - your jaw was practically aching just looking at it. With no hesitation you settled back on your heels and began kitten-licking the tip before licking a stripe along the underside of his dick and taking him into your mouth. Frederick grunted and moaned above you as you took him deeper with every dip of your head, eventually gagging slightly when he hit the back of your throat. The sound of that alone made Frederick grasp the back of your hair with both hands and pull you off him in a panic,

“If you keep doing that i’m gonna..” he stuttered, embarrassed. When you looked up at him he was so flustered it was almost sweet. You wrapped one hand back around his dick and reached around to place your other hand on top of his on the back of your head.

“Come for me, sir” 

You tapped the hand on the back of your head as a signal for him to push your head back down and you took him in your mouth again, bobbing up and down with even more ferocity, scraping your teeth lightly along his veins a few times. You felt his dick throb against your tongue and you moaned, hoping the vibrations would be what he needed to push him over the edge.

“Shit Y/N i’m...” and with one last bob of your head you felt his come hit the back of your throat and you instinctively swallowed.

You pulled off Frederick with a obscene ‘popping’ noise before meeting his eyes and licking your lips, making sure he knew you’d taken every last drop. You buttoned up his trousers and raised yourself to perch back on the desk-you wanted to revel in the scene in front of you for a second. Frederick was a mess. He was breathing heavy and beads of sweat had gathered on his forehead. His hair was sticking up in every direction and his hands had settled to rest on his thighs as he tried, unsuccessfully, to stop them from shaking. He wasn’t lying, he really doesn’t do this often.

“What is the saying? Take a picture, it will last longer?” he snarled, clearly off-put by your staring.

“Maybe one day i will.” You smiled as you hopped off the desk and nudged his legs open with your knee so you could stand between them. You bent down and pressed a heavy kiss to his lips before walking towards the door.

“See you soon, Frederick”.

#Frederick Chilton #frederick chilton x reader #frederick chilton fanfic #frederick chilton x y/n #hannibal fic #hannibal fanfiction