#and im so excited for college but terrified of moving out . everything is just so much

[thekidsarentalright]

thinking abt how abt a year ago i was applying to colleges and was convinced i wasn't gonna get into any of them and how my mom was in the hospital dying and i was nervous for my senior year and was in a relationship that ended up being bad for me and was super self isolating from everybody bc of how depressed and out of my mind scared i was abt life and now im a month away from going to college w a full ride after graduating with high honors and getting accepted to 8/8 colleges i applied to with a very much alive mom and being single and happy and a (hopefully) bright future ahead of me .

#DO/NT RB OBVI #much to think about #like im still very depressed but for different reasons this summer... summer always makes me depressed but #like why am i so scared abt moving out if the worst of my life is behind me. bc nothing NOTHING could be worse than last august/september #also sorry if this sounds like bragging i just literally never hype myself up enough or have gotten to celebrate all of this bc my family #sucks ass 🤩 but yeah just. so much has happened in a year #and im so excited for college but terrified of moving out . everything is just so much #if u read this far i love u mwah #txt

[sawtual]

do you have any nica pierce and tiffany valentine headcanons?

letting this ask age like fine wine until i got to the perfect point to answer it which is right now i guess <3

im not sure if you were asking for them separately or as a ship but uhhhh ill just cover all my bases ^_^

when nica was in college she was kind of a heart breaker. she hadn’t dated very much in highschool, probably just some boy for a few months, mainly out of a feeling of obligation, but she really hits her stride in college. it helps because shes finally on her own, she can spread her wings without the burden of feeling like the pitiful disabled girl with the mentally ill mother. in college she gets to be witty and charming and make friends who dont know her dreary backstory. also in college she realizes she is in fact a lesbian.. <3 (insert obligatory changing my major reference thank you kora)

nica’s kind of reveling in the discovery of women and kissing women and being with women and well she is all about that but i fear that she is a huge commitmentphobe is the problem. the list of messy exes and ghosted one night stands is something that honestly embarrasses nica but well you see they were too clingy ! (wanted to sleep over after having sex) they were too pushy and nosey! (asked about her childhood)

basically um. well imagine growing up and your mother drills it into you over and over again that the scariest most dangerous thing you can do is fall in love with someone. that no matter what nica does, dont love another person. dont open yourself up to the hurt, the pain, the loss. and nica rebuffs it because of course she does. she resents her mother for thinking nica cant handle herself, handle possible loss or pain, but she grew up on this, this fear and anguish seeped into her brain and now she herself is terrified of that possible loss. so she simply does not open herself up to that! which is actually what is so funny but also perfect about tiffanica to me. nica so resistent and fearful of commitment and mutual love that it takes another woman literally keeping her in their house like a wounded bird for her to get the kind of exposure therapy she needed to see that maybe being loved is not the terrible thing she grew up thinking it would be

oh also i really believe that sarah pierce has had a few suicide scares in the past, and that was particularly hard when barb was away from home (nica would be 12-18 all by herself with her mother). nica feels extremely responsible for her mothers mental health and keeping her safe. in fact i genuinely believe that the reason nica is at home in curse is not because of her own health reasons but because sarahs mental health took a pretty drastic drip and, of course barb refused to take care of her (she wanted to send her to a care home/or a ward), so nica swallowed her pride and gave up her independence to move back with her mother and keep an eye on her while she got better. i genuinely believe this is canon i wont lie, i feel like its very well supported in the text and implications of the movie.. but im just throwing it in here because i like spreading the good word

so for tiffany its pretty much canon that she meets chucky when shes uhhh 19 if we are being generous. shes very young. and hes in his late 20s </3. so well for tiffany i think she had a very messy time in her teenage years. a lot of intense relationships that were not good for her at all, she wanted to feel something, feel alive and in control but these men dont really wake that feeling up in her. she’s not careful with herself, i wouldnt call her suicidal but shes not very concerned with her life. visiting bars and hooking up with dangerous looking men for a thrill, shes kind of just waiting to get murdered about it the rate shes going. but when she meets chucky the pieces just fall into place. their relationship is so turbulent and exciting and dangerous and everything tiffany thought she wanted. but chucky is on a level above tiffany, hes colder, more calculating, more manipulative and dangerous, despite how badly tiffany wants to be just as despicable as him.

this isnt so much a headcanon but uhhhh. the fact that tiffany and chucky are together for 2 years before he dies. the fact that chucky kills her mother.. ^_^ um well i think that was probably just about the most fucked up thing. you have no one but me. she was holding you back. she wanted to stop you, but i want to set you free. etc etc etc… AGHH. when youre wrapped up so tightly in another person like that, in such a twisted and desperate and unhealthy way, it really does make sense that tiffany is obsessed with chucky ten years later. especially the fact that in that time she had idealized him so severely, i really believe that tiffany had completely twisted their relationship up in her head in the 10 years he was gone. she convinces herself that what they had was magical, that he was the one for her, that he was more loving than he actually was, that he held a certain amount of tenderness for her that shes emphasized in her mind. that she was the villain in their relationship, the desperate jealous bitch who hurt her loving boyfriend, without even giving him a chance. she gets the chucky heart tattoo when she finds out he dies, revels in the pain. she deserves to hurt after what she did. its less of a tattoo and more of a brand

hmmm kind of headcanon but also kind of implied canon due to jennifer and fiona’s machinations.. but i really like the concept of tiffany and nica having a very complicated and interesting dynamic post cult. the first time tiffany meets nica properly, is after chucky has hurt her. maybe he hit her or said something particularly hurtful, but she swings back and hits him across the face and well. out comes nica. this is how they meet the first few times. nica manages to wrangle her anxiety and panic under control, seeing the way that tiffany is so hysterically upset and anguished. and she comforts her. she doesnt know what else to do, she hates tiffany, cant look at her without hearing “she’s dead, miss pierce” ringing in her ears but the longer tiffany spends sobbing in nicas arms, she doesnt feel that burning hatred in the pit of her stomach. the fear kind of subsides a little too, not by much, but its not the overwhelming blind panic she felt the first time this happened. shes realizing that tiffany is not the cold calculating villain that she had believed her to be. that shes broken, hurting and scared, and desperately in love with chucky, someone who cant love her back the way she wants, the way she needs.. nica pities her

also the rest of my tiffanica thoughts lie squarely in the alternate but better reality where nica never gets dismembered and tiffany exorcises chucky from her body, so them living in tiffanys house together is a lot more like. focused on their dynamic and how they learn to care for each other in a way that makes sense to both of them. its kind of everything to me.. ^_^

OH one additional silly headcanon i have is that barb owned a copy of bound, but she left it at home after leaving to college, and a young nica ends up stumbling upon it and well um. it in fact does affect her in ways.

#sorry i dont have as much stuff to say for tiffany um the thing is she is so much better written than nica so i have to do a ton of legwork- #to flesh nica out #while tiffany is already a comprehensive character with motives and feelings that align with her throughout the entire franchise.. #SO THERES THAT #also sorry i feel like you probably wanted me to say their favorite mcdonalds orders or something which sure i can do that too but well #when you let me go with a vague prompt im going to be going quite insane unfortunately #i <3 meta posting and thinking so much and fleshing characters out and rolling them aroundin my head #asks #anon #tiffanica #tiffany valentine #nica pierce #childs play #long post #text heavy

[sayorseee]

All the messy, incoherent posts from my z3 premiere live tweets and first two rewatch livetweets

this gets long

Pre Z3 Release, Post Soundtrack/MV Release

I’ve cried three times from the songs alone HELP

Now that I’ve seen all the songs I don’t think I can rewatch z1 and 2 I think I’m gonna sit here with exceptional zed and come on out on repeat for two more hours until it’s movie time

I have been teased with so many almost kissed in these songs

When they do someday dance moves in ain’t no doubt about it??? Sobbing my eyes out

Ariel stepped up her GAME this movie

The werewolf barber and zombie tailor are my new favorite background charscters

Can’t wait to see zed get blasted through a mf doorway also like 2 ½ of these songs involve the aliens they cannot be that importsnt to the plot

I have never felt more gay than watching Willa in come on out I will NOT STOP SAYING IT

Premiere (approx 3:10am EST - 7am)

The opening animation is really cute

YES ELIZA INTERNSHIP QUEEN

Oh my god I love Wyatt so much

Willa our fearless werewolf cheerleader!

Love that the aceys are tired of Bucky finally!

ZED AND WYNTER HOWLING

The parents! I love them!!

I audibly screamed when wynter hit the bus and it is past three am my roommates are gonna kill me

ALIEN INVASION ALIEN INVASION

The way everyone was ready to fight

ZOMBIE PATROL THE ADULTS THIS IS SO GOOD

This is too good I have to pay attention

Not aspen roasting zed IM DYING

Not the one star planet comment

MOTHERSHIP IS GREAT

Twenty minutes and Zed and Addison’s are experiencing the tradition growing up doubts where everything suddenly terrifies you and I love it

The aliens are great singer and the dancing is amazing I love ain’t no doubt about it

Why does everyone wanna go to college it sucks here

How is zed THIRD IN CLASS HOW IS HE SO SMART

I love the aliens

I love how nothing is working out for wyliza all my homies hate Wyliza

Omg Bree is gonna fight I love this

Ali is the BEST

A werewolf on zombie patrol!?

OH MY GOD RHE MOTHERSHIP IS SO FUNNY

I will never stop being gay for Willa

Not my girl addison wandering around

Ali is no longer on the same wavelength as all the aliens, new gay crush

Ali is the best

Not the grandma storyline!!

The lashes on Addison are insane

The way he (Zed) puts his arms around her!! I’m CRYING this is as they’re walking away after being beamed down it’s so cute

The werewolves giving zed a pep talk I love them I love this movie

The exceptional zed dancing is so great

I just love the way Milo sings OMG THE ZOEY VERSE

Oh no, mishaps!

ALIEN POWERS

ADDISON HAS A MIDDLE NAME!?

The interview scene is top tier! Addison and Zed being excited for Addison and her powers yet being stressed

Oh my god Bucky

WYNTER LIKES CAT VIDEOS

NOT WYATT WITH THE CRUSH

ZED’S PHONE

Omg ZED YES KING BEHAVIOR

IM FINALLY MEEEEE

Zed will fight

ASPEN PLEASE “she can have it!”

Zoey and Zed will fight for these aliens

Zed loves Addison no matter what she looks like I love it so much

I feel like it’s a f you for Addison to be the most precious thing and not her mom

This is so sad let zed go with!

Did we really need the Wyliza side story???

NOT HER DROPPING IT

ZEDDISON FOR THE WIN

HOLY FUCK THAT ZEDDISON KISS IMA WATCH IT AGAIN

Everyone sadly missing Addison this is the someday I needed 😭😭

“Conflict is good” ok Disney whatever 🖕😭

THE SEABROOK MUSIC YES

Kinda wish Bucky had white hair in the end also why is every character in this movie graduating at the same time

TWO WHOLE KISSES

Zed’s “hi baby” at the end I’m CRYING

Other initial thoughts from my first watch

2nd Watch (3:18pm - ~ 5pm EST)

Addison’s parents and Zed’s dad being friends = amazing!

I love wynter’s energy btw

Cannot believe alien invasion is ten minutes into the movie

I love how no one in Seabrook knows how to feel about the aliens

Normally I would hate that Addison’s an alien but like, they added it in so well and everyone portrayed it so well that I’m actually so happy for her… like we got Addison family background happy zeddison what more could I ask for

All of Zed and Bonzo’s interactions prove their besties!!!

“One star planet” Ali please

MOTHERSHIP MY BELOVED

They really just don’t explain that statue it’s just there huh

I’m gonna assume ain’t no doubt about it is just how zed and Addison are whenever a new species isn’t invading their town

Alan my beloved I love your competitive nature

WHEN ASPEN STARTS SOBBING THO … they are not used to emotion

Ali is amazing she’s our new comedic relief in the alien trio and I love her for it

Mothership going on strike is hilarious

If I were four years younger ‘come on out’ would’ve made me realize I was gay which I think is so funny (cuz of the name)

The way they always go “Ali” with so much shock 😂

Zed is like really happy listening to the scout’s log. Like not in a weird way in a reminiscing way I love it

They way they cast addison out so quick yet in the end she still went with them. I’d be so petty like ‘have fun finding home bitches”

Looking around Addison’s room for pictures of zed… (looks like there’s one on her nightstand also SHE HAS A TEDDY BEAR I LOVE HER)

All the cast members who can’t dance standing all the way in the back of exceptional zed is so funny to me

The way Zed’s whole family got all dressed up ima cry

The way addison was bout to fight this lady when she said despite

“IM SO SORRY” “don’t be!” And her SMILE ADDISON GIRL

she’s so in love every time she’s just looking at him her smile my god

When I first saw the I’m finally me video I thought zed and Addison got in a fight and that’s why he wasn’t there but the real reason is so much better

Gonna fight my way through finally me I’ll watch it in it’s entirety this time I promise

So glad things are finally working out for Seabrook they haven’t won in so long

Aspen is me when I see Willa

Pretty messed up Missy never shared this with anyone imo

I didn’t skip someday this time WHY AM I CRYING

I never actually watched them reminiscing over Addison and it sounds like she died she’s still HERE SHE’LL BE BACK I SWEAR

I do love z3 I like it more than z2 and I may be alone in this opinion but it’s true

3rd and Final Livetweet Rewatch

Never noticed the werewolves backpacks before which is just a reminder that all these monsters gave up their freedom of living however they want to go to HIGH SCHOOL

“This shrimpy be CRAY” I love wynter (their energy her and Zed are the chaotic duo I need more of)

ALIEN INVASION MY BEST FRIEND MY WORST ENEMY YOU SET THE TONE OF THE MOVIE AND YOU WERE WRONG THIS IS MORE FEEL GOOD THEN SCI-FI ADVENTURE

all my homies hate alien invasion

Bree with no power in the back about to take the aliens on in hand to hand combat I love her

also Zevon holding Zoey back the girls in this movie are WILD I love them

I love when Aspen calls zed “meh” like bestie you end up crushing on him within the next hour 😭

Zed spends the whole movie getting electrocuted I’m CRYING

MOTHERSHIP MOTHERSHIP ANOTHER DAY TO LOVE MOTHERSHIP

Zeddison’s nose scrunches and and nose kisses and I love them I love them

There is something so personal about z3 wynter! 1. “This shrimp be CRAY!!” 2. “No fleas!” :D 3. “So catty. Clearly not raised by wolves.”

Willa is taking/reading about philosophy…I wonder why

The aliens and the pencil sharpener scene 😂

I can’t pick a favorite alien I love all of them so much

Lotta Acey in fighting I love it

Yes come on out come on out yes yes yes

everyone looks so fucking hot in this number

Addison was clearly never told “if you’re lost, stand in place”

Someone needs to let Ali fight she needs to let out some steam

Ali and Zed are such a funny duo cuz 80% he’s teasing her for her anger and she’s being annoyed with him and then they become besties

I love how zed is so happy for Addison he is now her biggest cheerleader

z2 he was questionable but now? redeemed

Zed’s house is so well decorated btw and Addison’s. All the family photos they took to decorate her room 😂

Exceptional zed is my fave

Zed and Wyatt friendship top tier

All of Seabrook cheering zed on be z1 when everyone was rooting against him

Signature early 2000s final chorus key change slaps in exceptional zed

Exceptional zed reprise is so good

Not Eliza going searching for Wyatt’s mind probe

Willa looks so annoyed that she’s working with Bucky I love it

When zed gets into college 🥺 the exceptional zed music playing under 🥺

I’m finally me is giving early 2000s dcom vibes

Like in theory addison could take them to their new planet and they could just bring her back after right…?

As much as I love zed’s half sacrifice (half cuz he didn’t die but he did put his life on the line) it would’ve been a bit more impactful if Willa joined. All of Seabrook united as one!

We all agree that Bucky wears the hat to help hide his alien self. I mean he’s flying on the space ship so clearly he has the stardust spark!

#sarah livetweets z3 #z3 spoilers #zombies 3 spoilers #zombies #zeddison #bysarah

[haunted-jackalope]

hey, im in the process of getting assessed for psoriatic arthritis. everything i find about it online basically says that you should just accept that you will have a low quality of life even on medications and i'm starting to get to a really dark place. it seems like even w meds the pain and fatigue only get worse and disfigurement is basically guaranteed in comparison to RA, which can be stopped and managed and which you can basically have a normal life with. can i ask; is your life still mostly good? are you mostly okay? is there hope?

first: I'm sorry.

psoriatic arthritis is super scary, and as you've found out, there's not a lot of resources that actually give us hope. it can also be super isolating if you're not surrounded by the right people.

I was also in a really dark place when I got my diagnosis; I heavily considered suicide, because I was convinced that I'd never be happy. but...I am happy.

I'm on medicine, and use assistive devices, and am even looking at getting forearm crutches for days when I really need them. Most days, I'm in absolutely zero pain. I'm stiff, sure, and a little bit sore when it's raining, but I'm not hurting, which is what I was so terrified of. and when I am in pain, I have medicines and devices to help me.

I'll be moving soon to an area that I love, and I'm so excited. I've spent most of my life wanting to move, wanting to see something new, and I finally am. There's so many things to see and do, and I'll be able to, because I'm alive.

Once I move and get settled, I'll start college at a smaller, accessible campus so I don't have to walk very far for very long, and if I do need to use crutches or a wheelchair, I'll be able to. I'll be getting an associate's to be a registered nurse so I can help people, which is all I've ever wanted to do, my entire life.

After college, I have plans to work for a pediatric home healthcare company, so I can be a nurse and help people without having to work in a hospital. I'll be doing something I love, without destroying my body.

As scary as developing psoriatic arthritis was, I'm happier than I've ever been, honestly. It took some figuring out, but I did it, and now all these amazing things are happening. If I had given up hope, I wouldn't be able to experience all these amazing things.

So, yeah. My life is different than it was, very different, and some days are harder than others, but I'm glad I held on. and I hope you'll hold on, too, because life can be amazing.

you'll find medicine that works. you'll get tools, devices, and technology to help you. you'll learn to live with being "different", and find your community. you'll find what makes you happiest, and be glad you stuck it out, because life can be amazing, even while you're disabled.

if you need support, my messages are always open <3

#psoriatic arthritis #long post #disability pride

[tyonfs]

lol is this a lil late n embarrassing buttt the road trip i was on was to houston and i visited an old friend that i reconnected with and honestly it was really refreshing. it made me and my mom really consider not moving away so 🤗im not moving! im staying in texas for the time being until i graduate then its off to grad school so two more years 🫡

that was the important news now to the bad news. my best friend recently got a boyfriend which is great good for her, i’m happy for her. but everytime she gets a bf she like.. flaunts him in front of me because she’s aware i’ve had my fair share of hookups and situationships and im ngl.. at some point i was a player! like she knows this and she’s always like bragging and it just makes me so uncomfortable. on top of that recently i’ve reconnected with a childhood friend that i didn’t know went to my school and you know it’s really great, her group of friends are amazing and they’re so sweet. because of that my best friend gets jealous of me hanging out with these girls like 😭😭 ?? it’s not high school girl..? it’s fucking college and if you want to act a certain way around me and hang out with people who talk shit about me then so be it!

recently i’ve been really bored so i did what any girl did and hopped back on hinge. tell me why some guy from HIGHSCHOOL hit me up and tried getting with me just to find out he has a gf like girl ?? 😭 get ur priorities straight speaking of men my friends are trying to set me up with this guy and make him my date to their sororities formal 😭😭. you know he is so fine and he’s my type 🙈 maybeeee

i feel like mentally im doing a lot better than i was in january, physically too like im just breezing living my life. again not that into kpop anymore lol i just haven’t listened to the music in like over 4 months i find that scary. i did read some fics last night tho, do not regret it one bit 🤗

how are you alice, any updates on that guy you said you were sorta taking to, that sounded exciting! how was your valentine’s day lovely! - 🎀

OMG YAY THATS SO NICE THAT YOU'RE NOT MOVING (i think this is a good thing right??) but shoutout to that friend you reconnected with for changing your mom's mind :') and here's to not having to pack Everything and take it to another house 🥳

oh that friend of yours..... :/ that's so icky of her ngl like yes let's be happy about the new relationship but no need to bring other ppl down bc of it !! and honestly .... i've met plenty of guys who have had plenty of hookups and situationships themselves but people only make a big deal out of it when a girl is that way :( don't think it's weird at all for a woman to know that she doesn't want to commit just yet like that's just you putting yourself first !! omg PLS her being mad about you hanging out with other friends gave me chilling high school flashbacks 😐 she does NOT get to be mad if she hangs out with people who talk shit about you like what?? (looking forward to karma coming her way cause!!)

WHYS HE ON HINGE WHEN HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND I HATEEE MEN OMG 😭 also i hope we get an update on this sorority formal guy 🤭 im glad you've been doing better now tho !! honestly i haven't been reading kpop fics (more in the hogwarts brainrot rn 😵‍💫) but it's so nostalgic sometimes even if you're not stanning groups atm

omg i self sabotaged 🏃‍♂️ focusing on myself!!! (i am terrified of commitment) but also this guy i Used to have a thing with hit me up a while ago (after literally leaving a store that we were both in after we locked eyes) and said he wants me back 💀 i was like LOL no and got back to my silly little pokemon game <3 also valentine's day was with the girls this year 🥰 it was really nice!! i also bought this cute heart-shaped top that i will be wearing exclusively for valentines >:)) how about you??

#asks #🎀 anon

[remembermeyesterdayandtomorrow]

January 4th, 2024 Well, its been a while. I'm almost 20 now... time flies. I'm back, hoping to relay my mind once more. Hoping that maybe this document will surpass my life, should anything happen. I'm in college now, doing what I love. I have a boyfriend and his family loves me. My mom bought a new house and is so excited to move in. And war is raging on in our world. For the last few months I've been struggling to accept the impacts climate change is having on our world, and just as I've begun to settle on that front, war breaks out. Of course, I haven't lived a day of my life without war, but it has been worsening. The people of Palestine have been suffering, and Israel is spreading their attacks- to Lebanon, to Syria. They don't deserve it. The people blame America, they hope we suffer the same. I want to help. I want our government to stop- to have some common sense. South Africa has brought it to international court- I can only hope that a ceasefire comes out of this, I don't know what to do if it doesn't. I feel guilt that there isn't more that I can do to help the Palestinians. I have emailed my politicians and donated when I can, but in reality, our government cares more about money and strengthening out relations that the lives of people that are suffering. You know it is saying something when North Korea and Russia- Our perceived enemies, are calling for the war to stop. Who know's, maybe if we agreed with them for once, there could be opportunity for bridges to be built. I don't think North Korea will be so easy though, yesterday they officially declared they would no longer be attempting to reunify with South Korea, and today they fired 200 shells at a residential island. (Though, I assume they will argue that it was within their right, as the island resides below the northern limit, but above the line North Korea has set as theirs. ) I am terrified that the United States will get involved. We have been warned more and more what will come if we meddle. And I fear for my life. I cannot say that I know even a fraction of what the people of Gaza feel, the loss they have suffered is immeasurable, but I am scared for them, as well as myself. Everything feels wrong. I should be at the happiest point in my life. I'm getting a new house, I'm loved, Im doing what I love. But I haven't suffered this much in a long time. I think that I am mourning my future. It feels more and more like things that I was told were to be, are no longer feasible. My boyfriend had said to me the other day that he would love to have kids with me one day, get married, get a house. When we were old enough. I didn't have the ability to respond excitedly. Why be excited for something that seems almost impossible now? I simply responded with "We'll see." I wish I could remain positive in the way he does. My friends in the military say not to worry, that If we're smart everything will be okay. I watched videos of girls trying on wedding dresses. I saw one I really liked. It was simple, Innocent, but beaded and delicate. I went to save it. I hesitated. Would I ever need this?

Every night, I cannot go to sleep. I am paranoid that a bomb will come any second. I lose more and more sleep every night. I feel sick. And yet, for now, I am safe. Im disgusted that I am so terrified when I am safe and they are not, yet I fear nonetheless. I would like to get married some day. My country does not speak for me. I wish I could do more.

#palestine #gaza #war #north korea #russia #diary #fear #anxiety

[schecterism]

I found a way to move out of my abusive parents house and my emotions are really all over the place. I've been trying to get away from my mother ever since I can remember; my dad spent years trying to get full custody of me as a kid, but of course it never happened since he died before he could swing it. in many ways its bittersweet. I love my mom but I know she doesn't love me. I care for her and yet I know the inverse is not true. and finally something happened that made me realize I stopped caring and stopped valuing the possibility of someday winning her love. my parents have beat me down every time I've tried to do anything for myself. they took the car my dad left for me when he died and used it so often that I still don't have a license at 23 and that the entire car is almost unusable from them trashing it. any time I try to do anything positive they don't let me do it. they treat me like a child while yelling at me to grow up. they beat me down and yell at me tell me im nothing and won't even let me keep my food in the house anymore. so I'm done. I called my grandparents who know my mothers character and know how awful she is and they told me they can take me in temporarily. my boyfriend's grandma, the wonderful woman that she is, told me she can rent me a room at her place for 50 dollars a week as long as I have a job. utilities all included, bed included, most everything included. everyone around me has offered to teach me to drive on their own time, something my mother would never do. she'd even tell me if I wanted to learn so bad I should just get behind the wheel and figure it out!

I'm so terrified to be on my own in the adult sense. nobody to buy me my shampoo or pads or other incidentals (yes she was abusive, but she would mostly get me things I needed so I couldnt say she never did anything for me, and anywaysshe constantly held these things over my head in case i ever 'made her mad'.) I'm scared ill never see my parents again because I've never lived without them. I tell people it's so much more comfortable to sit and do nothing than to dive in to being on my own, but it isn't really true. how is it possibly easier to stay somewhere where I'm constantly gaslit, made to feel small, yelled at, chastised, screamed at for bringing food home, and treated like nothing more than a doormat? it's not. but I guess I was in it so long that I have no idea what life could even be like without it.

and I really love my room. it's my sanctuary and I'm so incredibly sad to be leaving it. it's really something I love. i can't believe I have to leave it and it's so sad that I have to. but I'm not progressing at home. I've spent six years doing nothing but playing sims and crying my eyes out and compulsively scrolling my phone to escape the abuse and sleeping 12 hours a day. they beat me down to the point of never even trying anymore. I did everything for some scrap of approval and when I didn't get it I quit. I quit college, so many jobs, so many hobbies. but I'm done. I'm finally done and there's nothing more freeing and exciting than knowing that I'll never be that again. I'll never be a doormat, a little dog performing tricks, a nail being hammered down, a worm constantly wriggling away from two massive hawks. I'm so excited to be safe. and I'm so so goddamned excited to be unburdened.

it's sad to know I don't have parents. I don't have a mom, not really. my step-dad is nothing to me. they don't love me in any real way or actually care for my wellbeing. they're needlessly cruel most of the time and play games to watch me squirm. I feel like a little girl most of the time now, like I'm just reaching out for my mom and begging for her and pleading with her to stay and be my mom and to choose me, please please fucking choose me over that asshole. but she won't. she's admitted that he is more important to her and that she will never be the mother I want. and I guess I should take her at face value and drop her. im finally done. I'm finally going to be free of her.

#me #personal #abuse #narcissistic abuse #cptsd

[wafflehouseyuri]

Basically diary entry about my life changing a lot below UwU

Hi tumblr randoms writing to you the night before I move for my first real job out of college im sad and I’m excited and I’m nostalgic and I’m so FUCKING grateful for everything my parents have ever done for me to allow me to get to this point and I already miss my college friends so much but I think I’m ready to go out on my own but also Im certain that I’m not

I’ve gotten used to living close/on top of my entire family and college has always felt like a temporary place bc it was, just staying until the next break but this is it this is real life this isn’t I go to college here this is I LIVE here now and it’s just kinda overwhelming

These goodbyes have been harder than any ones for college semesters bc I have literally zero clue when I’m gonna see any of these people next and that just rly rly makes me sad

I found a book today that my great grandmother (and namesake) bought and gave to me when I turned two about someone going to visit a little girl named rae (our name) for her birthday and it’s about how you’ll always be close to the people you love even if they’re far away I just fucking SOBBED

Anyway this is a new chapter in my life and I’m looking forward to it but also I’m terrified and currently coping by doing what I always do when terrified about my real life and throwing myself headfirst into media and fandom spaces and all of that good shit where nothings real

Bye college I loved you and I’ll miss you

#this is a diary app #jk but yeah #in summary I’m sad scared and excited

[kenjikutie]

Starlight [Dabi x Single Mom!Reader]

summary: when you and your children are saved by a man covered in burns, you offer to repaire his staples and clean him up, an offer that gets you much more than you’d bargained for word count: 2.6k warnings: a tiny bit of violence pairing: dabi x fem!reader

waking up at five am every morning to prepare yourself for the day certainly was not how you saw your life turning out four years ago. but, the moment where you opened the door to your twin son’s room washed away all over your regrets and filled the space with nothing but love. you thanked whatever was above you each day that they had ended up looking like you, rather than their father. you didn’t know what you would have done if you had to look at his face for the rest of your life

kindly stroking hibiki’s cheek, you watched as your son squirm awake, blinking away the sleep in his eyes. you smiled softly and whispered your morning greeting to him, watching as he beamed at the sight of his mother. hibiki kicked his small legs at you, a signal for your attention. with a huff, you lifted your son from his bed and sat him on your hip, slightly ticking his sides to see him giggle

when you felt a small tug on your pant-leg, you glanced downward to see hitomu giving you a pout, clearly jealous of the attention his brother was getting. you set your hand on his head, ruffling his soft y/h/c locks before setting down hibiki to present them their outfits for the day. the two had rambled on and on last night about how excited they were to attend their first day of preschool

though you would never tell them, you were just as happy to get a day to yourself while your sons were taken care of. you had so many errands to run, bills to pay and groceries to buy. living as a single mother in the city was tough, both financially and mentally, but it was worth it. you didn’t want to rely on the boy’s father for anything

while you were caught up in your thoughts, hitomu took your hand in his much smaller one, showing you a bright smile, though it was missing a few teeth. he proudly held up his all might lunchbox and you came to the realization he was trying to imitate his idol. hibiki took your other hand, beginning to mutter about how the three of you should get going before they miss breakfast

after locking up the apartment, you kept a steady grip on their hands, not wanting them to get lost in all the hustle and bustle of the city. the boys seemed to glare at everyone who past you, taking their roles as the ‘men of the house’ very seriously. you, on the other hand, were focused on reviewing the route to their preschool, praying that you didn’t get lost along the way

suddenly, you felt a sharp tug on your elbow, causing you to gasp, preparing to let out a scream before a rough hand clamped over your mouth. hitomi and hibiki gripped tightly to you, calling out to you as the three of you were dragged into a nearby alleyway. you were harshly thrown onto the concrete, wincing when you felt your knees scrape against it, surely drawing blood

hibiki clung to your left side, burying his face in your stomach with a sob, “mommy! are you h-hurt?”

you reached upward and set your hands on his cheeks, “hitomi, take your brother and get out of here right now! please!”

darting your eyes around, you caught sight of hitomi but your stomach dropped down to the pits of hell when you saw what he was doing. hitomi had his hands balled up into fists, holding his all might lunchbox in front of him

“l-leave my m-momma alone!”

“hibiki, stop!”, you screamed, terrified of what could happen next

the man laughed, a cruel, wicked sound, before snatching the prized possession out of your son’s hands and throwing it against the brick wall, smirking when he heard it split open. you pulled yourself off the ground, doing the best you could to ignore the throbbing pain in your skull. swiftly, you wrapped your arms around hitomi’s torso, pulling him behind you

with a tightening of your fist, you laid a punch on the attacker’s face, wanting to scream from how bad it hurt. he wiped the blood off of his nose and gripped you by the collar, slamming his forehead onto yours, causing your vision to become nearly entirely black. you could hear your sons crying but couldn’t speak a word

then, a bright flash of blue brought back your vision, feeling yourself slip from the man’s hold and back to the ground. you didn’t even look back at the attacker, despite his screams of pain and agony. hitomi and hibiki were holding one another, tears running down their horrified faces. quickly, you held the back of their heads and tucked their faces into your chest, hoping to hide whatever gruesome thing was happening behind you

when everything went quiet, you shyly lifted your head, flinching when bright blue eyes stared right back at you. the man in front of you was lanky and tall, scars littering his chest and face, along with staples holding his normal skin together. he looked like he was in so much pain and it made your heart ache

“you good?”, he asked, voice gruff and rougher than any sandpaper

“n-no, but,”, you looked up at him with wide eyes, “thank you. thank you so much.”

he didn’t move or acknowledge your thanks, only walked behind you to pick up the lunchbox that now had a huge crack in it, right over the face of your son’s hero. hitomi pulled away from you reluctantly when he felt a tap on his head. his eyes watered at the sight of his lunchbox but he took it back anyways, clutching it to himself

you slowly stood up, but even that was too much for your head. your knees buckled as soon as you were on your feet and you would have fallen back down again had it not been for the hand that steadied your lower back. everything was turning hazy again and you were sure you head a concussion. the last thing you saw was the concerned eyes of your sons and their mouths opening, surely calling out your name

---

you slowly fluttered your eyes open, feeling yourself relax into the softness of a familiar bed. then, you remembered the events before you fell asleep. lifting yourself forward suddenly, you felt the pain in your head come back but you pushed it away, determined to know how you got home and where your children were

the first place you checked was the living room, heart beating even faster when you didn’t see them, only the mess that had been left from their toy playing session the other day. where were your sons? how did you get home? and where-

a relieved sigh left your lips when you opened the door your sons’ room, only to see them snoring softly in their racecar beds. you had never been happier than that moment. when a cough came from the doorway, you jumped, holding out your hands in defense while the figure chuckled

“geez, chill out jumpy. it’s all good.”

the man from before stared at you with humor in his eyes. a part of you said to hit him until he left your home, to chase him out but, another part was begging you to make him stay. you just had to know who had saved you from something so terrible

taking one last look at your sleeping sons, you joined him in the hallway, keeping the door open out of paranoia. he kept his eyes on you, making you more nervous by the second

“um, thank you for back there. if you hadn’t come-”

“you already thanked me. hit your head that hard, jumpy?”, he teased and you felt your fists clench

“well, im sorry if im a bit uneasy after being attacked in an alleyway!”, you threw up your hands and stormed into your room, hearing him cackle behind you but follow you nonetheless

taking a seat on the edge of your bed, you felt tears begin to pool in your eyes. hurriedly wiping them away with your hand, you could feel the bed dip beside you, but neither of you said anything. you held your face in your hands, softly crying your heart out

dabi winced at the sound, the noise of a mother sobbing bringing back memories he would much rather have forgotten. when he had seen you and your kids get pulled into the alleyway, he had contemplated doing nothing to help, just continuing back to the bar. but, the face that had comforted him throughout the nightmare that was childhood would not leave his mind until he saved you

you peeked out from between your fingers to see a tissue being dangled in front of your face. eyes widening, you reached out to accept it, dabbing at your eyes with the soft tissue

“im a failure of a mother.”, you whispered and dabi quickly placed his hand on your shoulder, turning you to face him

“from what i saw, you punched the dude in the face and managed to protect your kids even after gettin’ the life headbutted outta ya. you’re not a bad mom.”

when he began to stand up, you latched onto the sleeve of his long jacket, head hanging down, “why are you doing this? i don’t even know you.”

and at that moment, all he saw was his mother

“you remind me of someone i know.”

raising your head, you tossed the tissue into your garbage can and looked up at him with a pout. he nearly laughed at how much you looked like a little kid but your splotchy eyes made his heartache

“let me repay you.”, dabi raised his eyebrows with a teasing smirk and you blushed, “not like that! i meant that i could fix your staples, they look like they hurt.”

after thinking for a minute, he nodded, “lead the way, jumpy.”

---

dabi was sat on the edge of your bathtub, watching your every move. when you bent down to take the supplies out of the cabinet, his eyes trailed a bit lower but he shook his head with a smirk. you would so not be into that, he thought

“it’s probably gonna hurt but don’t worry, i took a few nursing courses in college so i don’t think i’ll kill you.”, you joked and it made him feel a bit better that you had calmed down

“that’s good to know, jumpy.”

you stood up and set a hand on your hip, looking down at the man with a look typically reserved for your children, “would you stop calling me that?”

kneeling down in front of the tub, you began to wet a cotton ball with some peroxide while dabi shook his head, “no can do. i don’t know what your name is.”

“well, i don't know yours either.”

“and you’re not gonna- jesus!”, dabi jumped at the sudden sting on his cheek and you quickly apologized, rambling about how it was supposed to hurt less if it was a surprise

the two of you entered a comfortable silence, you gently removing and replacing his staples after disinfecting his raw skin. dabi began to look around your bedroom, at least what he could see from the doorway. no photos of anyone but your kids and someone he assumed was your mom. the right side of the bed looked like it hadn’t been used

“your husband probably won’t be happy to find me here, ya know?”, he was pressing slightly, watching to see any reaction you made but your face stayed neutral as you tossed another cotton ball into the trash

“i don’t have a husband, just me and my sons.”, your eyes held sadness, a different one from earlier, this one was dull and seemed very old

“oh. did he-”

“yes.”, your hold on his skin turned harsher and dabi caught your wrist, meeting your eyes before pushing your hand back

“sorry.”, you muttered, going back to your work while dabi watched you intently

the father of your kids must have been someone pretty stupid to leave the three of you. your sons seemed to love you a ton, considering how their walk home consisted of one of them glaring at him while holding your hand and the other quietly telling him where to go

he remembered looking down at your face while you slept in his arms. you were one of the most beautiful women he had ever laid his eyes on, so it was only natural to think you had someone waiting for you at home. but, the only boys who had your heart where the four-year-olds who wouldn’t leave your side until they fell asleep

he had been so deep in thought that he hadn’t even noticed you had finished up. you were right. dabi felt much better. he could finally move his arms and face without feeling like he was about to rip his skin off. maybe he would come back here again if it ever got too bad

“thanks, jumpy.”, dabi said, watching as you glanced down at the tile floor

“y/n. i’m y/n.”, he hadn’t expected you to tell him your name, figuring your paranoia would still have the better of you

dabi fixed his coat and let you walk him to the front door, taking a glance at you from the side. you were gorgeous but, there was nothing he could do about it. he was one of the most wanted villains in japan. it was a miracle you hadn’t noticed who he was yet

the two of you stood in the entryway, you avoiding his gaze and him refusing to look anywhere else. he would probably never see you again with how his life was going but there was a pull in him, a part of himself he had locked away a long time ago, that wanted him to stay here, to fall in love with you

you felt a rough hand place itself on your cheek and you gasped, locking eyes with the man who had saved your life. dabi leaned in and couldn’t help but notice that you did too, but, all you received was a peck on the forehead

“you don’t have to leave, you know?”, you said and he could see the worry in your eyes, but it wasn’t fear for yourself

“sorry beautiful, but i have some prior engagements to take care of. but, you ain’t gotta worry, nothing like that’s gonna happen to you again.”, furrowing your eyebrows as the man opened your door, you reached out to grab him, but he was faster than you

“see you tomorrow morning, y/n.”

the end.

#bnha x reader #bnha imagines #bnha fanfiction #bnha #dabi imagine #dabi x reader #dabi #touya x reader #touya todoroki #toya todoroki x reader #dabi fluff #bnha headcanons #dabi headcanon #dabi scenarios

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

His Dark Materials S2 Ep 6 - Rambling/Thoughts

I really cannot believe that we’re at the penultimate episode already, oh my gosh. It’s gone by so fast??

Again, because I’ve reread TSK in the last couple of weeks, the book is fresh in my mind but I’ve probably still missed stuff

Also last week was so intense and seeing the “previously on” section made me remember just how intense that was, so it’s a hard job to top that!

ANGELS AHH RIGHT AWAY IM GEEKING OUT

“The last time they were seen was to make war” - IT’S HAPPENING ASDFGHJKL

Ruta going off to see Asriel and me just remembering what exactly went down between them while she was there with him... heh

So Will’s hand looks AWFUL oh my god poor Will 😭

Pan is REALLY into his Red PAN-da form oh my goodness

So the other kids out for revenge terrified the living SHIT out of me, dear god I don’t think it could be any creepier than dozens of them appearing out of the shadows like that, like it’s genuinely terrifying

Serafina just dropped right in to rescue them and I was both relieved and a little disappointed? Because in the book the whole chase sequence is so much longer and more important, like it takes up most of an entire chapter I think, and here it’s like two minutes?

Serafina: What does this edge cut? // Lyra: Everything (Will at the same time: Nothing.) - 😂

I missed Lee and Jopari tbh so yay to seeing them once more! And they’ve crossed into the next world!

Oh hi again Mary!

^ I wasn’t expecting to see Mary again this series because in TSK book, her last appearance is going through the window (which was last episode), so I’m a little curious as to whether we’re going to get a TINY little peek into The Amber Spyglass here (it’s been years since I reread it, I apologize). Because last series they did a bit of TSK (namely introducing Will + him crossing into Cittagazze), so it would be interesting!

“Good, something I can understand for a change” - LOL Same

Serafina wants to take Lyra back to her world?? Really??

Not gonna lie, the two girls spying on Mary was kind of low-key creepy

Lyra mentioning that she crossed worlds to find out about Dust and mentioning Roger 😭

Also I’m so emotional over just how much she wants Will to be safe, like she would really do anything to keep him safe and I love it

Lyra asking the Alethiometer where Will’s dad is and “he’s in this world” - ahhh it’s going to happen!

Also I really hope that the BBC/whoever decides to sell replica Alethiometers because the design is so beautiful?! I would fork out serious dough for one, and it would go nicely with the one I have from the film

No but seriously, words don’t describe just how badly I want a replica

“I wanted to fly so I summoned you here, now I’m flying” - LOL OKAY THEN JOHN

Ooh damn, that outfit Marisa is wearing is FINE. I’m slightly gayer than I was before, ngl

I was like “nooo Mary don’t be nice to these kids, they’re awful”

But it’s very sweet that she offers them food?? Like she pulls a chocolate bar out and is like “it’s no good for you, it’s full of sugar”... I love her

The way that Mary was so happy and excited when they mentioned Lyra, only to tell the girls off for trying to kill her - more of a mum than Mrs Coulter tbh

“Miss, can I have a hug?” - AWWW OMG WHY AM I SAD

They asked Mary to stay and look after them omg 😭😭😭

“Come with me, I’ll bring you to your adults” - ooh okay this could go any number of ways... Either she actually reunites them with their families and all’s well, or she takes them up there and their parents/adults are all dead (for lack of a better word)? Or the Spectres attack after Mary leaves them with the adults??

Jopari talking about meeting his dæmon and also a little bit about trying to get back to his family :(

“Can you magic us up a fire?” “One moment” *presents a box of matches” - LMFAO

Wait did Serafina seriously just imply that she thought Will might hurt Lyra?!?

Serafina saying that if protecting Lyra means protecting Will as well... Yes, protect Will please! Protect BOTH of these children, I literally BEG you, they’ve gone through far too much

Ooh okay so the witch ritual/spell was kind of cool to see!

Lyra saying “please tell me he’ll be alright” 😭♥️

The fact that Lyra curled up close to Will and then Pan (in ermine form) curled up CLOSER to Will is so cute, they both love Will so much

Pan: “We feel safe her... don’t we?” / OOF OKAY THIS IS F I N E

I already know what Lyra’s “other name” is because I read the book but the hints are anything BUT subtle tbh. “Mother of us all, cause of all sin, tempted by the serpent”... I’m not even that religious but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Also, if Mary is playing the part of the “serpent” within Lyra’s destiny, does that mean that Mary has tempted Lyra? Or that she will?

Boreal being nervous about being in the city and Marisa is just so unimpressed by him... Mood

That smirk she had when going up to that Spectre victim was so chilling, we have to stan Ruth Wilson and her incredible acting

Also, fun fact, Ruth Wilson went to my sixth form college and is from Surrey (like me), and she grew up in Shepperton, which is where my Nan used to live when she was alive (my uncle and aunt live there still), so that’s super exciting!

“We could learn from this” - PLEASE DO NOT MA’AM

God I hate the Magisterium so fucking much, the patriarchy is so strong with them

Oh great, now they’re gunning to kill Lyra :/

Also, off topic, I’ve only just connected that Will Keen, who plays Father MacPhail, is Dafne Keen’s dad?!?

“She’s lost a lot for one so young” - AND SHE’S STILL GOING TO LOSE PEOPLE, WHY IS THIS FAIR PHILIP PULLMAN 😭

“She must be protected” - AGAIN, they BOTH need protecting PLEASE

The Spectre noises reminded me of the noises of the Smoke Monster from LOST, so that’s definitely trippy for me

Thanks, I hate it

I nearly shouted “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING” out loud in front of both my parents, I seriously thought she had a damn death wish

I have never been so damn tense in my entire life as I am watching this show - and I KNOW what happens

HOW DID SHE DO THAT WITH THE SPECTRES SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN

Lee’s so worried about Lyra - 11/10, Father of the Year

The Magisterium airships... NO. FUCK. WE’RE AT THAT POINT ALREADY AND IM NOT OKAY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW AND WHERE THIS ENDS AND I HATE IT

I deadass thought Marisa and Carlo were about to kiss when he ran up to her and I actually said out loud “NO please don’t”

Look I must just be so dirty minded but when she said “let’s celebrate”, my immediate reaction was “NO NO NO NO EW EW EW NO” and “I hope she just means having a drink and not doing the frickety-frack”

I was so close to tearing up as Will was talking about his mum, her illness, and the boys who were mean to her because of it. His love for his mum is so beautifully written and the way Amir Wilson is playing Will is so wonderful

I was also close to tears when he was talking about his dad and how he used to imagine about his dad, so maybe I’m just emotional anyway

“Could go to school... have friends” - okay yeah no I’m definitely crying 😭

“I couldn’t trust anyone.” “Until you met me.” “Yeah.” - EXCUSE ME ♥️😭 my HEART

I love one (1) soft boy, and one (1) feral girl and her dæmon

The relief I felt when I saw Marisa and Carlo were literally just having drinks 😅

“They consume what makes us human, so I just suppressed that and hid it” + *cut to the monkey looking kinda sad/uncomfortable* - Umm fUCK OKAY THEN

Why am I feeling sorry for the monkey?!?

“You think we’re equal?” - LMFAO RIGHT

EWW THEY KISSED. No, just... nO

When I saw his snake dæmon moving towards her monkey, I thought one of two things was about to happen: 1) the monkey was going to pet and paw and the snake as Marisa seduced Boreal, or 3) the monkey was going to strange the snake and kill Boreal

OKAY THIS TOOK A SHARP BUT NOT UNWELCOMED TURN

“You’ve NEVER been my equal.” “You’d only hold me back.” - OH MY GOD YES THE SHADE

She’s not wrong though let’s be honest here

So she poisoned him I’m assuming? She poisoned his drink because the monkey didn’t actually touch the snake... damn.

Her just sitting there and continuing to drink with his dead body there is... damn.

“Into that valley” NO NO, please no

Jopari really just summoned a whole damn storm huh

Also the fact he fully trusts in Lee’s abilities to land them safely :3

Lee: “Can we trust him?” // Hester: “Do we have another choice?!!” - LMFAO I love them so much

THE WAY I NEARLY SCREAMED WHEN THAT WITCH GOT ATTACKED BY A SPECTRE OMFG AT LEAST WILL WAS THERE TO SAVE HER

Okay but did Marisa REALLY sit there for HOURS with Boreal’s corpse sitting opposite her?!?

Her burning her hand on the flame in front of the monkey, and the monkey clearly whimpering and in pain was so agonizing to watch, I can’t take this show

Also, you have to wonder just how many times she’s harmed herself (and him) for her to keep doing it with next to no problems (like separating from each other all the time)

I was so excited to see the birds attacking the zeppelins, like it was one of my favourite details in the book, and I worried that they wouldn’t have the budget for it but yay!

I do kind of wish that we’d had Sayan Kötor as the “eagle Queen” leading them though - she probably was but I wish we’d actually seen it or heard Jopari say it or whatever

THEY SHOT THE GAS CANNISTER OH SHIT THEY’RE GOING DOWN HARD AND FAST IN THAT BALLOON

HOLD ON BBC YOU CANNOT END THIS THERE?!? EXCUSE ME?!

The last episode is next week and on an hour earlier, so that’s exciting! I have no idea what I’ll do once this series ends, or when we’ll even get the third and final series because of COVID and filming delays, but I’m excited for it nonetheless and hoping it’s next November/December or something!

#his dark materials #hdm #lyra belacqua #lyra silvertongue #marisa coulter #mrs coulter #will parry #serafina pekkala #ruth wilson #dafne keen #amir wilson #pantalaimon #john parry #lee scoresby #hester

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #virgil sanders #analogical #luka writes #trigger warnings may apply #tw abuse mention #tw neglect mention #tw trust issues #tw childhood neglect #tw childhood trauma #hurt/comfort #happy ending #let me know if i need to tag more! #omegaverse au

[averysmallscreamingfrog]

"you mean she isn't just smoking a cigarette?" (Three Weed Smoking Girlfriends x GNReader)

screams. i can't remember why i decided to do this but i have got to follow through. will i make this into a series? i mean who knows, certainly not i.

cw: use of the word queers, mentioned past manipulation and bullying (some towards reader), kind of bittersweet ending??? maybe i'll make a part two to fix that whoops

1,317 words

A deep sigh escaped your nose as you shuffled out of the bar and into the street. You had joined a small handful of people as they left the bar as well, fully understanding what was about to happen. Jory didn't mess around when people disrespected him. Everyone in this town knew that.

It was a small town. Everyone knew everyone and you'd lived there your entire life. Some complained and couldn't wait to get out of town the second they graduated, some stayed home, comfortable in the world they grew up in and knew. You were more the latter type. Not that you weren't curious what lied in wait for you out in the big wide world. You actually had a few friends who had moved away after school.

Blaiz, Chas-Chas, and Funk.

You'd met them in the beginning of your sophomore year at Green Grove High and you had hit it off right away. They were only best friends then. You were all weird kids without a solid friend group, social floaters that never really fit in. Being the labelled 'queers' of the school didn't really help. You hadn't figured yourself out yet by that time. They all identified as bisexual and smoked weed like it was water. That's what led to their infamous relationship with Jory.

Everyone knew Jory, just how everyone knew your group of floaters. He was better known for his position in the school social pyramid as the the quarterback on the football team and as a huge bully. He was a player and in your completely unbiased opinion, a gigantic loser.

Well, maybe not completely unbiased. You had been there through the entirety of his relationship with the girls. You'd seen everything.

He met Blaiz first, apparently catching her skipping class to smoke. He genuinely thought she was smoking a "weed cigarette" and refused to call them anything other than "a bunt" despite being corrected several times. They were on and off for a while until he turned to Chas-Chas, then Funk, then all three of them together. In the beginning they were pretty happy and you were happy for them! As far as high school relationships go, it seemed pretty fulfilling and well-meaning for a while. That was until Jory really started to show his true self.

He'd picked on you a few times before his relationship with the girls, but it only got worse when it began. You slowly started to notice how angry he would get, how he was pushing the girls to leave you behind more often, and if you tried to talk to them without him around he would be furious with you and threaten you.

It felt insane how in a matter of months he'd managed to make them completely abandon you.

You didn't talk anymore, you didn't hang out, you were pretty sure they'd even blocked you on discord. You still kept an eye on them though. You reached out whenever you could, not that they would respond. You noticed the way they started to close themselves off. Blaiz wasn't nearly as confident anymore, Chas-Chas was always hanging off Jory's arm and she looked dead inside. Funk... you were pretty sure Funk had even stopped writing music because of him. It broke your heart. After a year of no contact from them had gone by you were going to give up.

Until that summer when Blaiz showed up at your home at 3 in the morning with red eyes and a raw throat to match, Chas-Chas and Funk in similar states right behind her. You let them in with no question. When you sat them down on your couch Chas-Chas broke down into Funk's arms and it was clear that they'd all been upset for quite a while. You looked to Blaiz in worry, but all you got was a tired shake of the head as she rested her own head on Funk's shoulder and entwined their hands together.

That night started the rekindling of your friendship. Your senior year you spent every hour together. It didn't matter what you were doing, be it hanging out while they smoked, listening to Funk's fresh tunes, cuddling with Chas-Chas, drawing with Blaiz, or (as you spent most of your time) doing some combination of it all while you hid from Jory.

He was different now. You'd learned that night they had broken up with him. He had pummeled some freshman who made a joke about him overreacting and the kid ended up in the hospital. That was their breaking point. He'd been angry before and he was getting out of control. They were scared of him. So they finally left him and you had practically become public enemy number 1 to him. If they saw him coming they ushered you away and if he tried to talk to them again you'd drag them away as quick as you could. All of you were mildly terrified of him.

It was like that for all of senior year and even a while after you graduated. You stuck together and took an off year before any of you went to college. It was nice then and much easier to avoid him. After that they all decided they wanted to move on. Which you understood, they had promising careers waiting for them.

Chas-Chas wanted to be a therapist and all of you supported her ferociously. She was one of the kindest and most caring people you would ever meet, a listener, and a little emotional. She loved hanging out with you because you would always drop what you were doing to hold her, running your fingers through her dark hair.

"Your scalp massages are godly," she'd always say in her sweet little voice, "I don't think I could ever live without them."

"What about the content of my character? Am I only good to you as a head massager? I'm hurt!"

She'd catch the teasing tone in your voice, but every time and without fail she would giggle and sit up to hold your hand as she listed the things she loved about you.

Funk was chasing her dream of being a musician. She'd been dead set on it since you had met her and the girls, even tried to get the four of you to form a band at one point. (It was a good attempt but it failed miserably. You, Blaiz and Chas-Chas were not nearly as musically inclined as her.) You loved the uncharacteristic excitement that would overtake her every time she discovered something new and musical.

"Y/N!!!" You keeled over, quickly grabbing the legs that wrapped around your waist as a pair of hands pulled back on your neck and nearly choked you. Any normal person would freak out, but seeing the uneven strands of blue leaning over your head you relaxed.

"Wh-"

"You're coming over to my house after school today! I just made up a new melody and I need your opinion and your memory so I don't forget it by the end of classes today."

You laughed lightly, now carrying her off to her next class (It was practically on the other side of the school from yours but you didn't mind being late, it wouldn't be the first time).

Then there was Blaiz.

Blaiz...

She was the one who kept all of you in line. She made you make up if you argued, she shot down all of the stupid ideas, fixed you up if any of you got hurt in the process of said stupid ideas with a sigh and a gentle "I told you so". She was a guardian angel and all of you loved her.

Almost as much as you all loved each other.

This thought brought you out of your head as you trudged across the street towards your apartment. The bittersweet memories always made you wish you had ben just a little more self aware back then. Maybe you could have had your own relationship. Maybe you could all have forgotten about Jory and the past and lived happily ever after in the kingdom of sunshine and rainbows.

Maybe you should move out of town. Then maybe you could stop thinking about them. For now however, you would spend another night alone in your apartment with your memories.

i misspelled expected but im not gonna make another makesweet gift to fix it 😀

#my three weed smoking girlfriends #x reader #reader insert fic #this was entirely for fun and now i think i might cry #why did i even write this #mistakes were made #anyways #gonna post the phrog art i made

[purplesurveys]

1143

survey by brock-checkitout

Do you like cheese? Yeah but not to an obsessive extent like most people on the internet seem to be. I have a lower tolerance when it comes to cheeses with stronger or more pungent flavors, and I like sticking to those on the creamy side, like feta and burrata.

What type of shampoo do you use? Dove.

Do turtles make you happy? I mean not as much as dogs would but they are animals, so encountering one would still make me giddy and happy :)))

Name one person who snores in their sleep. Both of my parents, which is why I used to dread whenever we’d book a trip and there’s only one main room available for the 5 of us.

Would you walk around a grocery store with a bra as glasses? Sure, if I was gonna do it for like a cause or something. Or if I got paid for it. I can’t imagine why I’d ever have to casually/randomly do it. Also how would that even work, if it actually had to work as glasses???

Can you do the HoeDown ThrowDown? That movie came out when we were in the midst of moving houses and everything was super hectic in my little 10 year old life, so I never got to wach it, actually. I missed out on the whole Hoedown Throwdown craze and I distinctly remember jealously watching over my classmates as they danced it together.

Do you like Hershey's Chocolate bars? Just the cookies and cream variant.

What smiley face do you use the most? :) I very rarely use others.

What type of cell phone do you have? I have an iPhone 8.

Do you listen to rap? Not so much. For the most part, I stick to my tried and tested albums, like Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne.

Look at something green, does it have batteries in it? That would be a nearby alcohol bottle, and no, it does not need batteries.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when I say: PRINTER? Ink and paper.

What is the last cuss word you said out loud? Not so sure, but since I commonly say shit and fuck they could serve as safe enough guesses.

Do you like cows? Sure.

What kind of car does your mother drive? These days we split ‘my’ car between us since we sold our third car, which used to be the one she’d usually drive. The new arrangement used to bug me at first because it meant I now had to notify my mom in advance whenever I planned to drive out, but I’ve since gotten used to the setup.

What do you get in your tacos? I don’t eat tacos. Not that I dislike them; there are just many other Mexican dishes I find more filling.

What is your opinion on blueberries? As a flavor, it’s fine. But I actually tried an actual blueberry for the very first time last week when my aunt sent over a blueberry cheesecake - I really wanted to give it a chance, but I still found it nasty :( I really don’t know why I hate fruits so much lmao.

Are you currently wearing lip gloss/chap stick? Nopes.

Is there a bottle of lotion near you? There isn’t.

Name one person that you know that smokes. Sam smokes superexcessively. Like I’ve completely forgotten how much she can smoke in an evening until I hung out with her again a few weeks ago. It was half impressive and half terrifying; and my clothes ended up smelling because of it.

What's your favorite season? We don’t have the usual four seasons, but based on what I’ve seen in media, spring and winter look and feel the most pleasant to me.

Are any of your friends vegetarians? No.

What is one phrase that you hate hearing? “All lives matter” really pisses me off.

Can you name four presidents right now? Rodrigo Duterte, Ramon Magsaysay, Fidel Ramos, Diosdado Macapagal. But because I’m guessing this meant American presidents...George W. Bush, John F. Kennedy, Andrew Jackson, Harry Truman.

What is the first thing you think of when I say: HOOD? A jacket.

Do you currently own a cat? Nope.

What do you think of Ulta? I think of the fact that I’ve never heard of that before and I don’t actually know what this is referring to.

Have you ever walked into a club and asked for a Coke? No.

Do you like classical music? Sure, some.

What is your opinion on Oreos? I had the biscuits like a billion times as a kid to the point that I got sick of them. I will always pick the Oreo flavor in other desserts though, be it cheesecake, cupcake, cookies, milkshakes, tc. 

Do you like Chips-Ahoy? No, tastes too artificial/processed. I’ll always go for freshly-baked cookies.

What did ya think of this survey? It was fine. I *think* I haven’t taken this before either, so that’s a plus lol.

--

survey by carolynnnnonia

1. What time did you wake up this morning? Around 6:30ish.

2. When did you take your default picture? It’s not a photo of me, it’s a still from BoJack Horseman. Years ago I saw someone on Twitter use it as a default and I found it hilarious, so I decided to do the same thing for this blog.

3. Are you hungry? Mmm not so much right now actually. I had a midnight snack that I only got to finish by like 2 AM so I still feel pretty filled.

4. Have you ever cheated on a test? Yup but just once. When I ended up perfecting the exam I cheated on, I felt like a fraud and I’ve never cheated since. I’d rather get an honest 99 than get a 100 that I’m ashamed of, lol.

5. When was the last time you ate ice cream? I think it had been last week when we had a cookies and cream tub in the fridge.

6. What computer game is in your CPU? I don’t play PC games and it’s been a hoooooot minute since I’ve seen a CPU.

7. Do you like Audrey Hepburn? You’ve come to the right person :))) Yup, obsessed. Have watched her entire filmography except for the ones that are impossible to find DVDs of or online.

8. What color is your winter jacket?

9. Do you have any siblings? Yup.

10. Would you call yourself skinny? Not anymore. I’ve filled up a bit over the last few years but I’m still usually seen as thin. I was a lot skinnier in my teens.

11. Does your phone take pictures? Yes, 2008 survey, it does.

12. Who is your favorite neighbor? They’re not really neighbors, but the construction workers who are currently working on a new house from across ours are crazy over Cooper and love to greet him and give him a few pats when I take him out. My actual neighbors are rather quiet and we tend to keep to ourselves.

13. Do you wish at 11:11? No.

14. Have you ever gotten a detention? We don’t have detention here.

15. Do you still watch Disney Channel? Nah, we took out our cable last year because no one was using it anymore. And I doubt there’s anything watchable on Disney Channel for a twentysomething?? Lmao I usually stick to the shows and movies I grew up with, so.

16. Who did you last IM? Angela.

17. Who is your least favorite teacher? Whoever hated me for no reason in middle and high school. Then in college, I had to power through a misogynist, sexist, delusional Duterte-supporting professor for an entire semester as well.

18. What were you doing six hours ago? I was winding down and watching Good Mythical Morning videos to eventually doze off.

19. What is your ringtone? Just the default iPhone ones.

20. Does your door have a dead bolt on it? I had to look this up haha but yeah.

21. Have you ever been to a show? Like, a live shooting of a show? Hmm....I don’t remember ever going to one yet. I remember being invited to one because they needed seat fillers, but I had school at the time and was never available on the day of the shoot.

22. What are some details about your first kiss? Innocent, pure. Even though that person ended up disappointing me, I don’t regret having my first kiss with them.

23. What college do you want to attend/currently attend? I went to UP.

24. Have you had any soda today? No and I most likely won’t.

25. What is your favorite scary movie? Carrie, The Shining, and Evil Dead are some good ones.

26. Do you own a Wii? We used to and it was a big part of my late childhood to my early teens. We had thrown it out years ago, though, because it stopped working.

27. Did you wear shorts today? I currently am wearing shorts, yeah, and I plan on wearing shorts for the rest of the day.

28. Anything fun happening this weekend? There’s an official Kim Seonho fanmeet happening tonight on Facebook and I’m so excited for it lmaaaaaaoooo

29. What shoes did you wear today? One of my sneakers.

30. What is your favorite type of Pop Tart? We only get 5 flavors here in the Philippines, but my favorite is the chocolate fudge one.

31. Do you subscribe to any magazines? Nope.

32. What was the last television show you watched? I didn’t watch it on TV, but I watched a few clips from this show called Caught in Providence on Facebook. I have such a soft spot for that show.

33. Do you know any other languages? If I’m not speaking in English, I use Filipino, yes.

34. Are you wearing anything green? No.

#survey #surveys

[my-happy-little-bean]

Patton Sits Outside

pairings: logan/patton (just in the background though, it’s fairly patton-centric) words: 1541 warnings: drinking, implied history of homophobia, mention of arguments summary: on the night patton moves out of his family house, he decides to have one last drink at home.

or: patton sits outside and reminisces, as per usual.

a/n- hello! welcome to a series of one shots called ‘let’s indulge bean in their slightly low quality, very personal fics’ lmao.

there’s actually one other one shot im working on that has a very similar personal vibe lol (so essentially, im working on everything except for golden slumbers pls dont @ me–)

but yeah! this one was written outside my house at 2 am, where i wrote on my front porch steps after lying down on the empty road for like, five minutes. i’m currently going through a thing :’)

read on ao3 ~

enjoy!

–––

Patton checked his phone as he sat outside on the porch stairs of his old family home. 2 AM. 

He then looked down at his other hand, holding a beer bottle. He couldn’t remember the brand, but he did know that it was his third one that night; and it’s not as bitter anymore. 

He set his phone aside, a single song playing on loop through the fuzz and static of his speakers. A moth landed on its bright screen, causing him to jump a bit. When the phone eventually dimmed to black, though, it flew off. 

Huh. 

Patton cracked open the beer bottle and took another sip, a warm feeling settling in his chest. It was nice, he thought. The warmth spread from his chest to his head, making it feel like butterflies were beating their wings in his skull, trying to make it float.

He really wouldn’t be endorsing heavy drinking to anyone he knew, but tonight was an exception. Tonight, the alcohol would make it all feel a little less heavy, even if he was supposed to feel lighter than air.

Because tonight, he was moving out and moving on. 

He tilted his head up towards the sky. Nothing. At least, nothing worth remembering. The sky was an inky black, devoid of any stars or like, at least an airplane or something. But nope! There was nothing. It was just darkness, probably a few clouds, and the moths that have flown off his phone screen in search of more light. 

Patton closed his eyes and tried to remember the vibrant, late summer nights he’d spend in his front yard, crouching down near the grass with a small mason jar, trying to catch fireflies with his dad. He pictured one successful night, actually; one where he quickly flipped the jar so he could cover the top, leaving a crack between his fingers for air. 

And in the jar was light; a small bundle of it, fluttering confusedly against the glass. He stared at it for one whole minute before letting it fly off into the night sky. It was like it joined the rest of the stars; the stars that were practically glowing that night. 

Him and his dad talked about during breakfast the next morning as his mom flipped a pancake. 

Patton sighed, taking another long sip. He never caught another firefly with his dad ever again. 

And he never will. 

Patton straightened himself up and squared his shoulders. No, he had to stop dwelling on it all. It wasn’t like he was never going to see his family again. He’d come back for dinners and holidays, all the works. It’s not like anyone was leaving for good.

But he’d never live there again. 

The song repeated itself and Patton sighed. It was his mother’s favourite, ABBA’s “Chiquitita”. She used to sing it all the time as she ironed the clothes in front of the TV, swaying softly as she folded his worn out jeans and handed them to Patton, who would always be right beside her, ready to place them safely in the laundry bin. She’d ruffle his hair when she sang the chorus, always. She even did it last week, on his last laundry day; as she taught him how to work the iron without burning himself.

And when she ruffled his hair, she suddenly seemed so much older. 

So did Patton.

A sigh. Moving out was a natural part of growing up. Eventually, you outgrow the playground in front of your house where you met all your friends; and you outgrow the cramped bedroom you had all your phases in. Sure, he skipped the part where he moved to residence because his school ended up being so close, but eventually? 

Well, eventually you meet someone. 

Then suddenly, staying is the furthest thing from your mind.

Moving in together was something Patton and Logan went back and forth about for a long time. They didn’t live too far from each other, but they weren’t close enough for Patton to stay much longer. 

And Logan always talked about moving forward.  Patton could never listen without looking back. 

He loved Logan. He loved him a lot. But if he were to be honest, he was terrified to move in with him. In a blink of an eye, everything would suddenly be different. Logan would be making them both coffee in the morning instead of his mom making pancakes. He would be talking about the articles in the paper instead of his dad pointing at the comics. Logan would be the first person he saw in the morning, and would kiss him on the forehead at night; not his mother. 

Logan was so sure that this was the best kind of change, but Patton didn’t know if that even existed.

Another sip. Patton opened his eyes and took a deep breath. His eyes drifted over to the playground across the street and if he squinted, he could see two blurry figures under one of the lamp posts. They were younger than he was now. The silhouette of one of them revealed themself playing with a necktie. The other was rocking back and forth on his heels, slowly inching closer. 

And they kissed when they got close enough; just for a brief moment. 

Patton remembered the day as if it was yesterday. 

Life with Logan was going to be amazing, he remembered; and the heaviness in his head disappeared for a brief second. Life with Logan was going to change so many things, but it’d move him forward; away from the small town he had admittedly outgrew in his second year of college, and away from all the old. He wasn’t starting from scratch, he was just starting something new.

Patton closed his eyes again and tried to picture his parents saying goodbye to him as he walked away from his family home, teary smiles painted on their faces. 

When he opened them, tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Patton suddenly heard the sound of the door opening behind him and turned his head slightly, though didn’t need to look for who it was. He knew those soft footsteps from anywhere. 

He scooched over to his left, letting his dad sit beside him. His dad looked at the bottle of beer in his hand almost questioningly, but Patton’s nod seemed to diffuse any stern talk he could muster. 

They sat in silence for a bit, Patton wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jean jacket every now and then. When “Chiquitita” inevitably started up again, his dad cleared his throat. 

“When’s Logan coming tomorrow?” 

“10,” Patton murmured, his voice cracking. “We’ll be driving back and forth to grab boxes and stuff. It’s not that far.” 

His dad chuckled. “Of course it isn’t.” 

Patton turned to face his dad, his eyes still teary and his head suddenly heavy again. 

“Do you think I’m–”

“Pat, come on.” His father nudged him slightly with a small chuckle. “Think about it before you say it.”

Patton forced his stare ahead, but smiled regardless. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

“You love him.” 

“I do.” 

“And besides, you’d have to move out eventually. Your mother has been considering charging you rent now...”

It was supposed to be a joke, but Patton didn’t laugh. Instead, he took another sip of beer. His dad leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky. 

“I’m excited for you two,” he said, his voice slightly quieter. 

Patton recalled the arguments he had with his dad about Logan, after he just came out to his parents. He remembered slamming the front door and marching down the stairs he was sitting on right now. He remembered seeing Logan’s car along the curb in front of his house, and he remembered hugging him tightly before hurrying into the passenger seat to drive away, swearing to never come back.

“I’m glad you are,” Patton finally said, sincerely. “I am too.”

“And you’re making the right choice,” his dad continued. “I know how you feel about this kind of stuff, but I promise you’re not leaving anything by going. You’re going to bring back so many new things whenever you come back; it’ll be like you never left, and then some.”

Patton smiled at the thought. “Thanks, dad.”

He set the beer bottle beside his phone and paused the song, giving way to the sound of wind moving through the trees and the crickets in the grass. 

He took one more deep breath of it all, before something lit up in the corner of his eye. 

His breath hitched. 

A small firefly flew out from the grass on his front yard, floating lazily amongst the blades of green and moving up to weave itself through the tree branches. Soon enough, it drifted so far up that Patton could have sworn it was a star. 

He then looked at his dad, who was staring up at it as well. 

They both smiled. 

Change was good. It had to be. It wasn’t a lot of the times in his life, but tonight was an exception. He prayed and hoped on the firefly in the sky that it was.

Because tonight, Patton was moving out, and moving forward.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #thomas sanders #thomas sanders fanfic #logicality #logan/patton #logic/morality #coming of age #essentially bean's nostalgia fest 2020 lol #gabbie writes things

[halorocks1214]

ბარტერი (a Thunderbirds fic)

Chapter 2:  უბედურება

AO3 Link

Word Count: 2368

Summary: And here they thought getting their father back was the least of their worries.

Chapter 1 | [YOU ARE HERE]

I BE ALIVE. BARELY. BUT I AM ALIVE. my motivation levels are still dead to hell and back, especially for my other Big Fics atm, but my brain decided to hardwire itself all of a sudden for this one and i was able to squirm something out. no promises for consistent uploads just yet because A.) aforementioned “dead inside” ness and B.) college is starting in two weeks and im Very Excite!!!! hope you enjoy this update regardless!

warnings for VERY UNCOMFORTABLENESS. unconsensual/creepy sexual comments and actions are made and boy were they hard to write (sorry Al). also violence violence violence, but hopefully angery older brother makes up for it

He hated it he hated it he hated it hated it he hated it--

Okay, Alan hated a lot of things about this moment right now, so he should probably be more specific. He hated those men, he hated leaving Gordon, he hated how his lungs were trying to heave themselves out of his chest with the way he was running, he hated how there were so many obstacles in his path that it was slowing him down, he hated how he was effectively alone--

Wait, no he wasn’t, the comms! He never turned them back on! No wonder John always told him not to panic, it made him do stupid stuff like that! Not breaking his stride, Alan pulled up his wrist and tried doing just that, but before he could even squeak, a hand came around to the front of his face, essentially muffling him and holding him in one spot.

Okay now this was just straight awful. Bringing his hands up to try and get the stranger’s singular one off his face, Alan bucked and kicked his legs around like a cornered horse, anything to break free from this terrible grip. Jesus, wasn’t this man the smaller one? And he was still able to pick Alan straight up off the ground?! Just what do these guys eat?

Gross and creepy chuckling filled Alan’s ear, somewhat freezing his attempts at escaping. He was still struggling and twitching, but for some reason, his dumb brain was trying to get him to hear whatever this man was going to say, “Ooh, you’re quite the squirmer, aren’t ya? I suppose that’s not a bad thing with those freckles and all. Quite a few clients dig the young thing. The baby fat’s a nice touch, too.” As if those words could be any worse, the man used his free hand to pinch Alan’s cheek right after he finished talking.

Alan keened. He knew his whining was high pitched to begin with, but the noises that came from his mouth were on some kind of level only dogs could hear. Tears started pouring out of his eyes like molten lava, meanwhile, his incessant kicking started up again. This time, it got somewhat literal and kicked up a few notches. Swivels started being involved, and amidst his panic, Alan found it in his brain to try and aim his feet. Any hit landing would be stellar.

But as the Tracy Family Luck would have it, nothing seemed to be working. It didn’t help that the man’s creepy chuckles just seemed to get louder as more time went on. For a split second, Alan felt the man move about an inch as if he were about to drag Alan away to whatever torturous situation he had dreamed up for the blonde. Alan wasn’t aware hope could die in the blink of an eye like that.

But then they both stopped simultaneously.

The rather loud snapping of a tree branch from a few feet away made both men swivel their heads in the direction of the noise. Alan was shocked by how much he could turn with how his neck was essentially trapped.

Alan felt both relief and anxiety wash over him because that was Virgil coming through the bushes to see what exactly his youngest brother had been getting up to. But that’s also where the anxiety was coming from as well. There were very few ways this was ending, and even less of those endings didn’t involve blood.

“Alright, the two of you have been completely dead on the comms for the past 10 minutes and I don’t know which older person in our family I want to deal with less at the moment. You better have a good expla--”

Virgil looked up from watching his steps to see that it very much wasn’t Gordon with their baby brother. It was a random man, which his in-the-middle-of-a-job brain was going to write off as a person Alan saved while Gordon went off to save others, but then he blinked once. Then twice. Then he had to fight the urge to rub his eyes with fists like a scene from a cartoon because he had to let go and realize that yup, what he was seeing was real.

And he fucking despised it.

Because this random, strange man was holding Alan as if his kid bro were random cargo and not a person. His big, sweaty hand wrapped around Alan’s mouth wouldn’t be as incriminating (and it already was a thousand times) if Alan didn’t have giant, blatant tear tracks running down over them. Meaning the hand was there before Alan started crying. Meaning this man was the cause of his brother’s distress.

Virgil’s pupils shrunk (man, that’s a reoccurring theme tonight), and while Alan was scared before, right now, he was terrified.

The floodgates were opened, and Alan was hoping that the damage the metaphorical water created wouldn’t be anything close to the mess the literal tsunami they were cleaning up caused.

---

Virgil was the least violent person in their family.

That’s not to say his thoughts weren’t. Believe him, if you pissed him off the right way he could come up with some pretty beautiful imagery as a form of therapy, but what made him different is that he channeled that anger into something productive and helpful. He didn’t quietly carry out revenge plots like John or threw punches like Scott.

But right now, any kind of breathing exercise was out the door the minute his brain registered the scene. The way the man was gleaming at his brother like he was freshly cut meat was sickening and Virgil was literally willing to resort to a bloody killing to make it stop. What filled him wasn’t anger, nor was it fiery rage.

No, it was red hot, animalistic fury and God help the person who was able to make Virgil come even close to that.

It must have somehow displayed itself. Maybe it was the way Virgil’s eyes zoned in on the man, maybe it was his fists clenching so hard his fingers might break, maybe it was the way his breathing became ragged and dangerous, maybe it was Virgil’s sheer size alone; whatever it was, it made the man’s giddy look drop off his face at the speed of light into pure, unbridled terror.

Good, now he saw how Alan was feeling.

As soon as Virgil saw the man release his hold on Alan to try and run, the middle Tracy moved.

The man wanted to leave very suddenly, huge money-load or not. Sure, it would be a big loss to let go of such a highly well-known person (one that was so young too), but if it meant he wouldn’t be folded in a way that was akin to an origami project, then the man was willing to drop everything and run. He let go of the target, turned around and took about 2 and a half steps before--

The man yelped as he felt himself be grabbed and aggressively shoved into a tree, head bouncing off of it because of momentum. With a groan, he opened his eyes and cried out in fear. Right in front of him was that other IR member. The giant one with muscles as big as steel and probably has the ability to bench press a small herd of bison. He couldn’t help the trembles that were overtaking him, and he was hoping he would at least be alive long enough to go change into a new pair of pants.

“What,” the IR member growled out, “the hell, do you think you’re doing?”

His sputters were weak and laughable, but maybe they would convince the IR member to take pity, “W-W-What? C’ mon, man, I know it looks bad, and yeah, m-maybe you’re coworkers, but, like, als-so relent a little b-bit. He’s cute, n-no?”

A millisecond of silence. Suddenly, Virgil pushed his arms into the man even more, dangerously close to ‘be careful, he might not be able to breathe’ territory, “You’re sick.”

The man, in all of his panicked glory, felt the blood rush to his head and greatly affect his mouth. He was never good at tact, “H-Hey! Don’t kn-knock it till you t-try it.”

Before Virgil could even start to think, his fist moved and collided directly in the man’s face and nose. He's sparred with Kayo. He knew how to hurt. With a step backward, he watched with satisfaction as the man, who was now out cold, slid uncomfortably down the tree. The sight put a grin on Virgil’s face. It was the least he deserved: a crick in his neck.

Now then, this man clearly couldn’t be left to just wake up and go home. He was a menace, and Virgil would hate himself for leaving such a dangerous thing on the streets. The only problem the Tracy couldn’t figure out was that he wasn’t sure where he would put him on ‘Two. It wasn’t anywhere near his brothers, that’s for sure. As Virgil pulled out some spare rope he managed to just have on him (thank God for small coincidences), his mind gleefully became playful. Yes, the roof of his girl would be a fitting seat for his kind. Right as he finished tying one of the strongest knots he knew, he heard a small, quiet, and scared voice speak up from a few feet away.

“Is he, uh, going to wake up soon?”

Oh fuck. Well, any anger or rage left his body like a gust of wind.

Letting the man’s tied up hands fall from his grasp, Virgil snapped his head up to look directly at Alan as if his younger brother caught Virgil with his hand in the cookie jar. ‘Deer in the headlights’ was a good way of describing Virgil, actually. His eyes were wide and his pupils were small once more, but that was because he was suddenly panicking over what exactly all of this entailed.

Because Alan was as far away as he could be from the man but close enough to be able to see Virgil and what the brother was doing to said stranger. Alan was desperately trying to seem like he was holding it together, but the way he held his arms around himself, and the thin sheen of sweat covering his face, Virgil thought he wasn’t succeeding as much as he wanted. A little bit of color had returned, at least, it looked like that, compared to how Alan was when he was being held by his captor. Not to mention the now-drying tear tracks...

Was that Virgil’s breath that was extremely heavy and labored? You know, maybe he should stop doing that. Taking a deep breath, Virgil stood up one knee at a time and carefully walked over to his younger brother. It broke his heart to see how Alan tensed up, so Virgil slowed his strides and re-thought out his plan for when he got close enough to touch his younger brother.

About a foot away from Alan, Virgil held his hands up like he was coaching a frightened animal, staring into those gigantic baby blue eyes as if this were ten years ago and Virgil was comforting a brother that just had a nightmare, not a brother that was nearly… God, he doesn’t even want to think that thought to himself, “Hey. Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Keep it specific, give the shock victim something to focus on. Alan took a moment to register Virgil’s words before taking a deep breath and relaxing ever so slightly, “N-No, he just… startled me. I’ve never…” Alan closed his eyes and shuddered, the awful memory from just minutes ago washing over him like toxic waste.

Virgil’s hesitation was next to none as he stepped forward and practically engulfed his brother in his large frame. If not for Alan, at least for himself, because his own shock was just about kicking in, adrenaline wearing off at the speed of ‘One. Jesus, that was close. Jesus, that was close. If Virgil hadn’t shown up at that moment, just a few seconds later…

After a moment of flinching (that Virgil didn’t notice, thank God), Alan eventually melted into his Virgil’s embrace wholeheartedly. Part of him was still tense, his body still not completely sure that the danger was gone, but boy did that not matter while his older brother was here. Heh, older brothers, Scott was going to freak about this, John probably wouldn’t be much better…

Oh, oh shit-

Virgil couldn’t stop the eyebrow raise, followed by his utter surprise when Alan suddenly shot out of his arms and started waving his own almost like a drowning man would. Virgil was very concerned over why Alan was getting worked up again, but before he could even say ‘what’ in ‘what’s wrong’, Alan practically read his mind.

“Gordon! Virge, oh my God, they have Gor-”

There wasn’t much explanation needed after that.

Except there was a little bit, mainly for Virgil’s sake. Alan’s panic was overtaking a lot of his common sense, and the last thing Virgil was going to let happen was Alan getting near any of these people, not even with 10 feet between them. So with Alan’s promise that he won’t leave Virgil’s side at all, no more than a foot at most, they both hoofed it back to where Alan last saw Gordon.

Virgil was about to put a leash on the kid with how much he was jumping out of his skin, but eventually, they were there, and Virgil regrets his whole just because you left Gordon doesn’t mean he was taken speech he gave to consol Alan, because the spot he led them to had nothing but a semi-ripped up, familiar yellow sash on the ground.

Alan’s grip on Virgil’s arm was better than a tourniquet they’ve ever used. At least Virgil won’t have to worry about him running off anymore.

Lifting his wrist so he could contact everyone else, Virgil could feel the blood drain from his face just like Alan’s.

“International Rescue, we… shit, John, we’ve gotta big problem.”

#thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #alan tracy #virgil tracy #my post #my fic

[cilliankelly]

text 📱 cillian & ellie.

Discord text thread featuring: cillian & @robinscnfm

When: december 25th

Mentions: @judetaylorhq @loganstjames @iitsace 

Description: ellie texts cillian to wish him merry xmas. they discuss their relationships and ellie encourages cillian to try and be better, but for himself, not for anyone else.

Trigger Warnings: insecurities galoooore but i think that’s it. 

ellie.

merry christmas dumbass 🤩 hope u had a good time and that your leg is better ❤️ you’re awesome buddy

Cillian

thanks els bells

i know i don’t always act like i do, but i really do appreciate you and shit. thanks for everything and merry christmas

also i’m sorry about your couch

ellie.

i know you do ❤️ no problem. I really did take you in just to do you a solid, buddy

no problem 😂

i might not even need to get one. Yknow, logan asked me to move in and if i do, probably the less furniture the better. U know i have enough shit as it is lmao

Cillian

👀

does this mean you’re seriously considering it?

moving in with the boyfriend?

ellie.

honestly? I kind of am

i have until mid january to think about it

and i like his apartment, plus our schedules don’t always line up because he has a day job and i have a morning job and a night job, which makes hanging out impossible sometimes

Cillian

these all seem like very sensible conclusions

ellie.

They are. I mean. Its kind of scary im ngl

Cillian

definitely scary. but good i think.

ellie.

im not used to living with anyone which definitely freaks me out

and u know i love my crappy ass apartment

but.... its also exciting idk

Cillian

no i totally get it.

i mean it’s a little different for me bc until recently i didn’t really feel like i ever had a home

but it’s nice. it’s big and it’s kind of scary but it’s also really great.

ellie.

ohhhh wait wait 👀

are u moving in w .. someone?

its such a nice apartment too im ngl

and he doesnt let me pay for anything which wasnt an issue when we were 18 but now it makes me feel ✨very guilty✨

Cillian

fuck tell me about it

and i mean... yeah. he gave me a key for christmas

ellie

omg im so happy for you!!!!

thats so so awesome

fuckin scary too but im excited for u

Cillian

thanks. i desperately trying to not fuck it up anymore than i already have. but i feel good about it.

ellie.

he wants to marry me

Cillian

holy shit

i know you guys dated in high school but you’ve been together how long?

ellie.

a fuckin MOOD but hes lucky to have u. Yall are a good match

Cillian

wow thanks. that’s actually like, good to hear.

i kind of feel like i magically won the best friend/boyfriend lottery or something

ellie.

this time around? About a month. Overall? Like almost three years

but no. What he said was that he still had the ring he’d bought back then

and that he wanted to give it to me whenever i was ready to be asked

it fuckin scares me how much he loves me idk what i did to deserve it

U SAID BOYFRIEND

Cillian

sounds like we really are in the same boat

wait what

ellie.

im so happy

yeah we are. Idk ive never been with anyone who loved me so... up front and decisively

Cillian

it’s fucking terrifying

ellie.

it is

Cillian

like i’m really happy???? but i look at him and my chest gets all tight and all i can think about is how much it’s gonna suck to lose him.

also i’m a bit buzzed on wine right now and this conversation is staying RIGHT HERE eleanor.

i have a rep to maintain

ellie.

THATS LOVEEEEE CILLIANNN

and idk im conflicted. He told me he wanted to pick it up where we left off and i told him i wanted to take it slow, and he agreed

and i do want to take it slow....... but oof falling back to the place where we used to be before It happened has been so easy its fuckin scary

Cillian

and oh my god shut uuuuuuuuuuup

i can’t even imagine.

ace is back in town and that’s been... weird

ellie.

IM NOT GONNAAAA U LOOOVE UR BF

my resolve to go slow with him is getting weaker and weaker i am such a mess

i know. I think i saw her the other day. Hows everything on that front?

Cillian

i don’t know. fine? a little awkward. i don’t have feelings for her still but like. i see her and it reminds me how shitty i was. and still am.

ellie.

and dont worry. Yes people leave but not the ones that really love you.... and i have a feeling u found it

Cillian

i think it’s really bumming him out that like... nobody knows we’re... together.

ellie.

yeah why is that?

Cillian

i don’t know...

telling people makes it like... real.

and jude thinks that by not telling people it makes it easier for me to take it all back and regress or whatever

but i just... ellie i’m like positive that i’m gonna fuck this up. and i don’t know if i want to share it. with anyone really.  not when it’s this good.

i don’t know if that makes any sense

ellie.

but its important to him

Cillian

he says it’s fine but i know it’s not.

ellie.

and listen

theres a strong possibility you WILL fuck it up and theres also a strong possibility that you will NOT fuck it up. No one knows.

and theres a possibility that he’ll fuck it up

or maybe something else will come in between you two and pull you apart

no one fucking knows ok dude

Cillian

jesus ellie, not making this any easier over here

ellie.

and you’re wasting the sweetest part of a relationship by thinking about the end

so like. The most u can do is stop thinking so far ahead, stop getting in your own way, and every day make the conscious decision to show him you love him and to not to fuck it up. Thats all any of us can do

Cillian

i don’t deserve him, i really don’t.

i’ve never felt so useless in my entire life.

ellie.

youre not useless

but i get you, i really do

Cillian

i can’t even fucking walk correctly. i can’t work. i can’t do anything

and i don’t know that i’ve ever like, really wanted to be better. but fuck. he deserves more than this.

ellie.

no no dont think like that

if you want to do anything about becoming more educated or some shit like that you have to do it for YOU because YOU deserve better

Cillian

it was hard enough the first time around. i’m just not cut out for it.

ellie.

i just think you havent found the right motivation

Cillian

and what’s that? the right motivation?

ellie.

idk how to describe it

like when i was in college i would think about graduating and being independent and it got me through boring classes and shit like that

so yeah. maybe what you need is motivation

Cillian

i know this is dumb. and it’s gonna get me an eye roll or something. but it’s just so much easier... to not.

ellie.

no its not dumb

but like. sometimes the things that are worth it arent the easy ones

Cillian

i just don’t want to fail again.

ellie.

bad news, youre gonna

Cillian

you’re all sunshine and rainbows this evening

ellie.

im tipsyyy

and also giving it to u straight

ur gonna fail bc failing is just. part of the human experience

but !! ur also gonna succeed my dude

Cillian

i guess you don’t know if you don’t try.

ellie.

also idk i think ur fear is valid and it happens to me too

so i just think itd be bullshit to tell u like <3 ur not gonna fail <3 everything will work out <3

Cillian

yeah. i wouldn’t believe you if you said that anyways.

ellie.

yeah exactly so like

the best thing i can say is that when you think that youre gonna fail just. try to think the opposite

Cillian

easier said than done

but i appreciate the advice

ellie.

yeah i know it is

no problem buddy <3 anytime

#texts → cillian & ellie #discord #i love these two sm