#and idk I'm feeling just weird about it?? like I feel bad for having one

[strqyr]

The way some people talk about Tai is honestly really getting kinda uncomfortable for me. Canon is very clear on where is faults lie and none of the stuff people are coming up with is supported by that canon. I just do not understand how he became such a controverial character when we barely know anything about him and what we know is just a caring dad who messed up in the past

yeah, and it's like. the time he messed up was also the time he was grieving the loss of his significant other with zero reliable support system that could help him handle that and to adapt to being a single father of two young kids; all we know is that qrow 'cheered on him from afar', the rest he had to manage on his own juggling bunch of things that before he would have shared with summer.

and the fact that some people don't have any sympathy for that is really weird to me. idk, maybe it's because when i was young, my mom lost her brother unexpectedly and yeah, after she wasn't really in a good place to take care of us, but we still had our dad, so like. idk, having that perspective makes me feel bad for the whole family. they were dealt a shitty hand with summer's disappearance, and they didn't handle it perfectly--wouldn't expect them to--but they pulled through and they all still love each other despite any difficulties, as seen perfectly in beyond.

besides they had a perfect opportunity to address all things people are making mountains out of in V4 with all "i'm an adult now" but all it amounted to was tai's reluctance of talking about raven--which also prompted it in the first place--so either the writers aren't very good at telling their own story ooor it's simply not about that and fans have blown it out of proportions. pick one lol

#rwby #taiyang xiao long #anon #ask.strqyr #and i mean #i have pretty good guesses as to *why* tai is targeted to this absurd degree #but i'm not gonna choose violence today lol

[comradekatara]

I know ppl are yapping at you abt Dungeon Meshi so sorry but I’m joining in. Who in the Gaang (or Gaang-adjacent) do you think would enjoy the dungeon most and least? Sokka would be having a grand time, eating cool food and rescuing sisters and learning about biology and doing puzzles. I can imagine Aang on the other hand having a very bad time; even the plants are animalistic so he would feel weird about eating them. He would appreciate Senshi’s care for the ecosystem though.

idk why ppl keep saying that sokka would be laios.... like laios does say that he wishes he could take falin's place and clearly means it, but he also has the mental fortitude to step back and look at the situation more rationally when he needs to. he clearly loves falin a lot, but he's also able to pace himself and acknowledges not to push himself beyond his own limits, so that he can make grand sacrifices when the time calls for it (and even then, he pretty much knew that losing his leg wasn't gonna be permanent). like, my point is, if katara got fucking eaten by a dragon, sokka would not even bother going back up to the surface to the regroup. he would not be able to approach the situation rationally whatsoever. laios wants to take falin's place because he doesn't want to see her in pain (and also because i'm sure there's a part of him that just wishes that he could be a really cool monster too, lol), but sokka would want to take her place because he fundamentally believes that his role in life is to sacrifice himself for her?? and he would feel like he had failed in some grand, existential way if she sacrificed herself for him (but also, falin is not katara, and so katara wouldn't make those same sacrifices either). if sokka was in laios's shoes, he would be acting far more like toshiro, and we know this because "the boiling rock" exists. sokka is someone who is easily motivated by guilt, and feels guilty about basically everything. there's no way he would be enjoying his time in the dungeon if he felt that he had failed the one person he valued most in the world. he barely enjoys doing anything as it is.

that said, if he was simply in the dungeon for work and katara was there with him or safely on the surface or otherwise healthy and intact, yeah he'd probably like the hunting and puzzle solving and the learning about ecosystems. and since magic is something that can be taught, i'm sure he'd also be fascinated by the science behind it and learn as much magic as he can. aang would be fine food-wise because he'd simply pack enough food in advance, which is what most people do anyway. katara would love it because she loves going on any sort of quest-like adventure, and she loves getting to be the hero. she and aang are the resident healers, naturally. toph enjoys it because she likes hanging out with her friends and getting into weird little situations. suki is slashing up monsters with her katana but mainly she's just vibing. zuko is having a bad time unless he has a fixed goal, just like, in general, so he's only going in the dungeon (or anywhere) if he has a very specific reason. people see azula, mai, and ty lee in the dungeon and they're like "that party is way too small they won't last a day" and then they work as such a perfect and efficient team that everyone is just like "okay. i stand corrected." but anyway. if anyone is falin, it's yue.

#catgirl-behavioral-therapy #asks #synthesis #they would be nothing like laios's party lmfao they would maybe eat the chicken part of a basilisk and that's it

[kangals]

way back in 2014, probably a few weeks or months after you posted that picture of boone with the stick on his head, i checked your blog out and so dearly enjoyed all the dogposting that i followed. i think you were the first dogblr blog i actually followed at the time, but it's been ages and my memory is bad, so i'm not fully sure. it wasn't long before then--2012 i think?--that i had gotten a new dog of my own, a border collie. iirc he and boone were just about the same age.

in 2018 i lost that blog i'd followed you with, and a lot of connections with it. i didn't return until 2021, and when i did, i didn't refollow most of the old blogs; i don't think i even really went looking for them. it took me a while to get back into the swing of using tumblr.

last september, my border collie had a sharp health decline, and i had to say goodbye. it's not the first time i've had to put a pet down, but i think it was the hardest. i'm still not over it. even just typing this now, i feel raw.

then in march or so, i made a new fandom friend who knows you, and i enthusiastically recalled following you before and how much i enjoyed it. i didn't even know about stellina, and now there's kep too! but... i also didn't know you'd lost boone. i followed because i still really enjoy your blog, and i love your collies too. and butters!!! so glad she's still here!

idk what made me look tonight... maybe because i talked about my old border collie with someone today. i went looking for the posts immediately around when you lost boone, because i guess some part of me wanted to know what happened. i spent the better part of an hour (maybe longer?) reading posts from the weeks before the decline, and then the loss, and then the deluge of old boone pictures after, and i've been crying pretty much the whole time just reading your posts and tags about him.

and this is a long and windy way to get to saying thank you. i'm glad you shared your grief, though that seems like a weird thing to say. there's something cathartic about crying over someone else's dog when you still hurt about your own, and knowing you're not alone in that kind of sorrow. boone was such a beautiful boy. i'll never forget that silly post that made me check your blog out in the first place, or the years of posts i stuck around for after. i wish i'd remembered to follow sooner, but the archive is still there, and it's so fun looking through all those old posts about him and his quirks and antics. he was amazing.

sorry for the length of this, i just... really wanted you to know that he touched yet another life, i guess. and i've been so deeply enjoying your posts about stellina and kep. i know it'll be a year soon... i hope there's some peace in how things have gone since he passed, and i hope the anniversary isn't too hard on you. thank you for sharing him with us.

i've been on tumblr for 14 years and this is, genuinely, the nicest ask i think i've ever been sent.

thank you - sincerely. there's been a lot of times over the course of this blog that i've felt like i was oversharing, or talking about pointless things only i cared about. i still so frequently start typing out a post only to stop mid-sentence and delete it because i can't help but think "no one cares about this." possibly it's why i like to talk about my pets so much - they're not me, but i'm the one who knows them best, so i get to say "hey look at this" and ramble and have people say "i'm looking" back. when boone passed, i lost that filter and i poured my grief out into this blog because it was the closest outlet i had. and to have hundreds of people not only acknowledge this but to commiserate, to reassure, to share their own stories - that helped healed me more than i can put into words. it's exactly as you said: there's a catharsis in grieving together.

i am sorry you also had to say goodbye. i wish i could say it gets easier, but i think that would be defeating the point of grief. your grief is your love and damn it if there isn't any act more loving in the world than choosing to say goodbye to an old, loyal dog. you think of how dogs were domesticated tens of thousands of years ago, of how human society and dogs have developed intertwined, of how we have records of ancient greeks and romans carving loving epitaths on their dog's graves, of how a prehistoric dog's skull was found with a bone placed in it's mouth after death, and you wonder if grieving a dog isn't one of the most consistent experiences in the whole of human history that there is.

i'm glad to know that this could bring you some comfort, in some way. it's incredibly touching to know that you kept me and boone in your thoughts for all this time. i am doing ok - i've been reflecting a lot as we approach the one-year mark. i'm not sure if i'll be able to condense those thoughts down into coherent words, but i'll do my best. i hope that my silly little pets continue to bring you some happiness, and that you've found peace with your own grief.

thank you, again - this is extremely touching and means a hell of a lot to me.

#i know exactly what you mean about reading posts about other peoples loss and grieving in camaraderie with them. i do that too #also mayhaps i am nosy sometimes and want to intrude. i cant help my nature to be a looky-loo #which is to say: you should never feel like you are intruding for doing so back to me.

[statementlou]

hi it's just me being nosy and asking a follow up to your vinyl anon--what are some of your non-1DCU favorites? collection tour please 😇

hiiii gosh and look you even put the link on for me to make it easy! The question itself is NOT EASY though I was like BUT WHAT IF I FORGET ONE?? Like what CATEGORY of favorite?! But the timing couldn't be better, I am currently as previously mentioned in the process of moving all of my stuff around, a huge project that 1) is perfect for listening to records while I do things like move books from one shelf to another and 2) means I just today moved my record player to a far better place where I am actually using it again for the first time in ages (for one thing onto an actual properly non wobbly surface) so I listened to records today and picked a few that will do sorry to all the others I forgot and love even more I'm sure

I picked first up Daydream Nation by Sonic Youth not just because it's so good (IT IS THOUGH) but also because it's an album that having it on vinyl feels SO right and it makes me happy just to handle; the pretty Gerhard Richter painting cover, a little crackle and pop with the music, the aesthetic of it all! I mean Sonic Youth probably literally birthed the indie hipster luddite aesthetic, it seems Right™ Second is The Bonny by Gerry Cinnamon, because being able to listen to the songs The Bonny and Ghost specifically on vinyl feeds my soul in deep and important ways. Also the 4th side is blank and etched with lyrics, like the JHO single, very cool. And last the record/album I've almost certainly played the most times in my life, even though the copy I have has skips now (to be loved is to changed and all that yk) and I haven't to date been able to bring myself to buy a reissue or pay $$$ for another original: 24 Hour Revenge Therapy by Jawbreaker. It's just important in like 15 different ways okay? Tip, if anyone is like huh! I will go listen to this album I've never heard it (DO!! also then tweet it at Louis a lot, he would REALLY LIKE IT) I think the best way to do this is to skip the first song the first time, it's a whole different vibe than the rest. Also right now my fave is LTLIVE on vinyl 😭 playing records makes me want to put it on SO BAD :((( also bonus content, one of my favorite things about records for some reason is seeing who goes next to who idk I just find it fun and if I were naming a band it would totally be a big consideration... so for extra tour of the shelf, Gerry Cinnamon is between the Germs and The Gits (listen the Cs are crowded, it's my shelf I can do what I want), Sonic Youth was between The Snuts and Social Distortion- which the astute may notice is not correct, she will be going back other side of Social D- and Jawbreaker nestle cozily between Japandroids and Jerk With A Bomb. Louis, for the record, lives between very twee girl band Tiger Trap and very fast hardcore band Tragatello, lol. A weird bill, that, but they do have one thing in common- all feature queer musicians

#gosh all three of these are so MELLOW🤔 #I think even though I also like a lot of very not chill music there's something about the vibe+vinyl for me #I am listenign to the tragatello record now though which is anything but and that's also a great time so hey okay #this is outrageously self indulgent forgive me innocent dash denizens who just want to talk about louis in peace #it's cam's fault for being an enabler!

[piracytheorist]

After much deliberation, I decided to watch Wish, the abomination that Disney released last year as its "100th anniversary film". And well, yeah, it's pretty poor. There's so much in the story that an actually experienced, self-respecting writer would cross out from the first draft, but they sadly got into the final film.

And I cannot for the life of me believe that Star was supposed to have a human form?? And we got the stupid merchandise bait? Cause I swear every time Star did something I was thinking "Imagine that being a character with a human form and voice" and going like WE WERE ROBBED. The talking goat that gave absolutely nothing to the narrative but butt jokes was one thing, but then you ask of your audience to feel something for a moving plushie? Idk I couldn't feel a thing for that, even though it felt like the story was begging me to. It wants me to buy a plush star and give the mouse even more money sooooo bad.

And the songs were... oof. How did Disney end up like this. How. They're literally in their "live long enough to see themselves turn into villains" era.

Anyway, funny part, cause one of the characters was called Simon O'Donohue and I actually had to pause because I was laughing so hard. And I should know, I do know, the name O'Donohue and its variations are actually among the most common Irish surnames but man. When you love a celebrity, their name always hits hard when it comes from where you don't expect it. I still laugh thinking about it, I'm imagining myself seeing this movie in theaters and bursting out in laughter at the name, and people looking at me like wtf is she laughing at.

A weird mix of emotions, I gotta say. It's a shame because it had an interesting potential but someone just... didn't know what power they held. I don't know who's to blame, most definitely higher executives from the mouse, but it's really a pity. It even ends with the "When You Wish Upon a Star" after the credits, showing the castle with the arc of fairy dust, and all I felt was "You've lost its meaning, Disney. We used to love your movies despite your horrible business choices, but now we don't even love your movies. What else is left."

#nette speaks #I love how I'm going on a tangent about the O'Donohue guy #do my new followers even know about my love for a real life O'Donoghue guy

[nohoperadio]

Here's a little breakdown of my personal relationship/non-relationship with various types of aesthetic self-modification (?, I feel like there might be a word or at least a more elegant phrase to denote this category). The point is not to offer my "take" on each thing but to express the different feelings/desires/inhibitions my psyche manifests around them. Some of these will approach awkwardly personal territory, fair warning! You may notice that basically none of them are especially positive; I'm going to leave off from analyzing that pattern for this post.

Tattoos -- I think tattoos as a concept are extremely cool, frequently they're cool in practice also and I like seeing other people's, but I don't think I've ever had even the smallest urge to get one for myself. I'm not totally sure why. The lack of an obvious thing to get is one factor, I feel like "band tattoo" would be the most likely thing for me to have but I don't like the idea of directly lifting a band logo or album art and I really don't like the idea of a lyric tattoo (I offer no justification for these prejudices), so I'd have to get clever with it if I'm doing that and I'm not very clever. More broadly, I predict that my enthusiasm for any artwork I put on my body would fade through overexposure in a matter of weeks if not days--other people describe "barely knowing it's there" after a short time--which on top of making the value of the project seem dubious, I feel like having a permanent image on my skin that I don't actively love would be something I'd feel bad about rather than neutral. Like "man, that thing's on my arm and I don't care about it at all, that sucks" rather than just not noticing it. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

(Tattoos are the one that got me thinking about this whole subject I think, it feels like they're reaching a ubiquity in the culture where it's almost like you're expected to have a reason not to have one rather than a reason to? Maybe that's just a people-I-know thing, anyway it got me thinking about why I don't want one.)

Piercings -- An interesting thing about me and piercings is that it's virtually impossible for me to notice when somebody has them unless I'm like, actively consciously scrutinizing their face (or whatever it is). When I was about ten months into my current job I asked my co-worker who I worked closely with almost every day "hey when did you get that septum ring" and she was like "well way before I met you". That is simply how it is with me and piercings and I make no apology.

If my inability to perceive piercings (perceirvings...) makes me indifferent to the idea of getting one, what makes me actively hostile is the total certainty that I would fiddle with it constantly if I did. I know these hands and their ways and there would simply be no dissuading them, it would be so bad you guys, oh my god. This is probably the hardest no on the list I think, although I haven't finished the post yet so idk maybe I'll think of a worse one.

Makeup -- There's undeniably a lot that's very beautiful in the universe of makeup and there's also the weird dark side, I have dabbled a little in this area and in my heart I feel more positively than not about it, but it's just never going to be a sustainable part of my life because (not unrelated to previous para) I am a perennial and unrepentant face-toucher. I will be itching and rubbing my face-skin and also inflicting other hard-to-characterize punishments upon it (is this "stimming"?) until the day I die and anything that wants to be on my face has just gotta deal. It would probably be better if this was not the case but I don't make the rules, sorry.

Haircuts -- When I was a child I haaaaaated getting my hair cut, like the physical sensation of it? Was so horrible and would usually make me cry and always ruin my day (is this "sensory overload"?), I didn't understand why I was being made to go through this ordeal and basically as soon as I reached an age when I realized my mom couldn't literally force me to do it if I just stubbornly refused hard enough--that age was 13 I think--I stopped. I haven't had a professional haircut since that time although I'm sure I could cope with the sensory aspect at this point, it's just not a habit I ever picked up again (I've had a couple of non-professional ones from my ex who just kind of wanted to try it, in a not particularly ambitious or dramatic fashion). Sometimes I feel like I should, but idk. My hair as it stands is not optimized for making me look hot but I don't think it looks especially horrible either, it's just kind of whatever I think.

Complicating factor here: I've had trichotillomania since I was 15/16, and it's hard to imagine it going away at this point but it's a lot more under control than it used to be, to the point where you can't really tell just from my appearance that something's up now. I say "under control", I have very little conscious control over it and usually no conscious awareness that I'm doing it, but over the years the compulsion seems to have unconsciously settled into a routine where it's just kind of... sculpting my hair into a more-or-less normal silhouette? Like I sort of have a fringe and stuff despite no haircuts. Oh I guess this doesn't make sense unless I clarify that I mostly break rather than pluck the hair nowadays, that's a big part of the gradual unconscious shift that's occurred.

A fun thing about trichotillomania is that it often makes people really uncomfortable when you talk about having it, which sucks for me because it makes me feel lonely, but I guess it sucks for the person feeling uncomfortable too in a smaller way. If you're one of the people who feel uncomfortable around this topic, sorry! Quite genuinely.

Gender transition in general -- I feel like I'm just, just on the boring side of cis-by-default. I think about transitioning shockingly often for someone who's never gonna do it, like it's not searing a hole in my heart or anything like it is for a lot of people but it occupies that "it would be cool to learn an instrument" kind of niche in my thoughts, if that makes sense? (Probably a bit stronger than that analogy makes it sound, it's on my mind frequently but not with a massive sense of urgency attached I guess is what I'm getting at.) I can see myself taking the plunge if the medical technology was like 10% better, or the social technology was like 20% better, or with some medium-sized changes in how my personality was configured, but this life being this life there's no way in heck the juice would be worth the squeeze. If I had one fifth of the executive function required to do all of that lying to doctors and learning how to clothes shop and having awkward conversations with people in my life and all the rest of it, well I can list like ten things I'd rather spend it on first. And I don't!

Glasses -- Love wearing glasses, 10/10 no notes. I knew since I was like 11 that my face should have a pair of glasses on it and I was very smug when the optician agreed (I did not cheat on the eye test in any way for what it's worth). The only times I'm not wearing glasses are sleeping and showering. I don't even carry a case because there's no point because I simply don't ever take them off. This is probably overkill, I think as a kid I was instructed to only put them on when I need to see something in the distance, ignoring that and just wearing them permanently has probably led to my vision weakening to the point where they're now pretty much mandatory in every situation, but I don't give a shit about that because just let me wear my goddamned glasses okay, fuck off. It's actually crazy how much I like wearing glasses, this is the only true thumbs up on the list.

I remembering trying to explain how I like my glasses to a then-close friend of mine many years ago when the subject of laser eye surgery came up in conversation, he said I should get the surgery and then just wear glasses with non-prescription lenses. When I tried to explain why that wouldn't be the same at all he was adamant that I was just being stubborn. That guy was a wonderful person in many ways and I loved him very deeply, but man what a dumbass thing to say.

Facial hair -- There are so many great beards and moustaches in this world, there are few more cheering sights than someone bearing some swish whiskers who's pleased about it, but personally I don't wish to be involved in that business at all.

I never learned how to ride a bike -- Obviously this one doesn't belong on the list, it doesn't fit with any of the other categories, and yet I feel compelled to include it here. And why should I resist that which compels me? This is my post. Yeah, I'm the oldest of four siblings, we were all given bikes at the appropriate kid-on-bike age, the others picked it up but not me. I liked it when I had stabilizers on my bike, then they took them off and I started falling off the bike, and after a very short amount of time I gave up. Like I didn't get mad injuries or anything, it just felt like I wasn't improving at it quickly enough and I didn't feel like keeping it up so I didn't. Early indication of my bad personality.

Fashion in general -- Clothes shopping has always been extremely aversive to me for whatever reason, it's gotten a little better in recent years, I have been able to exist inside clothes shops for long enough to purchase a small thing or two, but eh. Most of my tops are band t-shirts I bought at gigs, most of my bottoms are exactly identical pairs of jeans, there's just not much going on you know? But unlike with most of the items on this list I would really like to be doing this properly. I would like to wear cuter things with prettier colours and designs. This one's an actual goal. But so far I haven't really made progress. The aforementioned shopping sucks thing, plus a fear of being so aesthetically clueless that I just make myself look like a big idiot if I try anything risky, plus the fact that doing things that are not my established routine is tricky in general--these are barriers for me. I guess another barrier is that the things that would be most interesting to try out and therefore most potentially motivating fall into the wrong-gender-clothes category and therefore bring into play some of the barriers from that other category a few ones up. I did actually somehow get myself to dabble in that area some years ago to a modest but positive degree of satisfaction. It'll probably happen again. The patterns and causes that determine whether I can or cannot find motivation to engage in a thing--they are mysterious indeed.

Like horn implants or whatever other crazy miscellany -- I don't want anything in this category and don't have any non-trivial thoughts about it either. Including this section for completeness only.

---

Well, there you have it, that's the post. Now you know a bit more about some of my little weirdsies. If you actually made it through the whole thing, a) how interesting and b) why not tell me a little weirdsy of yours in return, whether it pertains to the above list or not? Why not get all antiphonal on my post, that way I'd get to know a thing about you as well, it might be a whole fun kind of deal. You don't have to though, I didn't make this post to try to snare people into letting themselves be known, I just kind of made it to be a post mostly. I make all sorts of kinds of posts you know? And so I thought I'd try one that's like this.

#selfposting #uninteresting #more uninteresting than average #and a bit too long #and yet putting it in a readmore didn't feel right for some reason; sorry all! #have you ever tried listicle oversharing? it's weirdly freeing

[welcometogrouchland]

ANOTHER SKETCH DUMP! Featuring more of me playing with lineless art. Batman reborn era trio (dick, damian and steph) I miss you...when will you return from war. Also featuring Steph designs bc I've seen ppl dissatisfied w/ her current look, some good mom Talia, and Jason Todd poetry club. Duke is confused not that Jason would start a poetry club but that he'd have such mid poetry opinions. (ID in Alt)

#dc comics #batfamily #damian wayne #stephanie brown #dick grayson #talia al ghul #duke thomas #cassandra cain #mine #woo new art tag. please god let me keep this up all year #uhh anyway yeah! still a big backlog of sketches but i got burnt out which means i had time to collect some #i feel like my art looks. extremely different w/o lines compared to with? idk i worry that's it weird/off-putting #but hey at the end of the day I'm hardly worrying about my brand integrity on tumblr dot com #duke and cass being at poetry club is based on them canonically being into poetry and for a good while duke and jason got along well #Steph is there for both jason and cass' emotional support (unfortunately there's a design flaw. she can't do both simultaneously) #(which is fine bc cass is fleeing the scene at the idea of having to casually hang out with jason) #(they're the exact amount of similar and more importantly different that it's like putting two firecrackers together. bad) #i really like the steph mask designs... it'd be fun to do something with them but idk what y'know? #I'm just like. if we're assuming that her mask has to be different from both babs and cass then this is what I've got as alternatives #i mostly wanted to practice character interaction with the talia and damian one... and also i love them #looking at james gunns batman movie proposal. you keep your hands OFF HER MR GUNN #please if shes evil in a movie they're never gonna let her be good in the comics again 😭 #dc when you inevitably cave and do your next big reboot let the ppl finally have the son of the demon origin (w/ tweaks of course) #idk it's canon in my heart. heartcanon if you will <3 #anyway yeah uhhhhhh enjoy?

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[jimmyspades]

JAMES SPADER as William Ashbury SHADOW OF FEAR (2004), dir. Rich Cowan

#this movie SUCKS. truly so bad don't watch it's not worth it. but he plays an evil lawyer it's really hot <3 #so gorgeous. I think the last thing he filmed before joining the practice #jim whispers literally the entire movie it's so funny girl speak up!!!! #james spader #shadow of fear #* #not my fave genre anyway but this did have squandered potential. the concept was there. could've been good #if it was written like 207% better #the stuff with william and his feelings(?) for wynn was SO underplayed. #not just saying that bc i'm a james girlie who wants to see him romancing. actually yes I am! #but idk it could've been great motivation instead it was one scene where he verbalizes it and the rest of the time he's just like 👁️👁️ #I wish he was my weird family friend who was maybe in love with me and showed up in my yard talking about treehouses

[da-proti-toku-grem]

why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/

#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad #and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay #but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh #like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet #but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety #or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place #1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out #2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me #3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days #4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for - #- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night #but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?' #i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed #and people where always like 'oh she's just shy' #but idk wtf changed #maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk #but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me #i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not #but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix #or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY #have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them #even if i don't like them #instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety?? #i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc #but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day* #aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up #it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all............. #ranting

[cookinguptales]

man, I don't know if it's like. residual emotional effects from yesterday, the physical toll it took on my body, hormones or just like. a general sense of malaise. but I just kind of want to lie in bed and cry today.

I just finished a work project, which is generally call for celebration, but I just. every time I try to work on a creative project instead, I feel like everything I make is awful. every time I try to just veg and watch something, I feel like I'm wasting my time. my brain is very... scratchy today, for lack of a better word.

idk, maybe I'm just mentally exhausted. I had to put on kind of a brave and friendly face for most of yesterday, but it was a pretty awful experience. the actual migraine(?) was terrifying, especially because the experience wasn't anything like other migraines I've had, the tests were stressful and painful and I'm having quite a few physical effects today because of them. and no matter how often it happens to me, there's something so specifically demoralizing about paying several hundred dollars to go to the hospital and stay there all day just for them to say "good news! we can't find anything wrong!" like that makes you feel any better at all when something clearly is.

idk how I feel so simultaneously over and underwhelmed today.

#vent post #I'd usually go for a walk to air out my brain but uh #let's just say that my body is very unhappy about some things that happened to it yesterday #plus the overall ache that comes from tensing up for an hour for an MRI #my joints are so fragile today and it's driving me nuts #I had to hold the call button in a weird angle during the MRI and MRA yesterday and my fingers hurt like hell by the end #and this morning they just won't do fucking anything I want #and they had to give me a large dose of zofran because I have bad reactions to MRI contrast #and uhhhhh let's just say that I'm not having a great reaction to that rn either #plus after all those attempts with the IV my arms are one big bruise #I'm whining sorry but today everything feels like a lot #maybe just feeling the things I didn't have space to yesterday idk

[luvsavos]

random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently

#mar.txt #it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one #maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get #maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important. #maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me #idk. #i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it #feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction #a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other #person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings #i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the #only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of #actually caring #'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things #because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they #could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting) #and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends #the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to #me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance #i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad. #to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much. #i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's #most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha. #maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships， #those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have. #anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the #burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly. #i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.

[elytrafemme]

also like. life update. since coming to college i think i've decided i want to be less online in general, because i don't think it benefits my mental health to be on any online website too much. i know i still have strong ties to fandom and whatnot but i'm trying to reconcile my relationship with the things i've created knowing the headspace i was in when that happened; cs is more of a diary to me than anything, at least where i'm at currently. i DO want to be on discord more this break because there's people i want to VC and catch up with-- but ultimately i think i'm like exactly the worst kind of person to operate with any kind of stability on the internet so we're going to mess around with what that looks like for me for a while. love u guys and once finals are officially up in two days i'll be back to say hi :]

#nightmare.personal #i just think like. idk. i don't really know how to compassionately phrase this #but i realized with all the stuff happening in the world that like. #it's just far better to host those conversations and do those actions irl? #for a lot of reasons. one of the major ones being that its easier to weed out people in real life who are like #wildly antisemitic and awful shit like that. vs being online its like people do that for breakfast #it's also just easier to do meaningful things. so then kind of from that i was just thinking and like #it's weird! because i don't miss the act of posting or opening discord or anything #but i miss the people. but also the way you interact with online friends is so distinctive? #like i can't just get everyone's phone numbers. it'd kind of be sick if i could but you know. everyone feels diff about internet security #so like i'm constantly drawn back to tumblr because i miss people and same with discord #but i don't really adore being on here that much so it's like. really weirdly perplexing #i'm also so goddamn bad at keeping up online friendships and everyone i know here has the patience of a saint #which i deeply appreciate it's also just kinda like. #if we were here in person i could so much better convey my appreciation for you all #so i just hope you know that i do appreciate you. it's weird. #i also have to separately reconcile with the fact that i'm an evolving person IRL #but online that comes at a lag? so like i don't even know how anyone perceives my personality #because it's not that i ever really faked it its just kind of like. we all start somewhere #i don't know what i'm saying. it's disorienting is my point. #i guess i could fix this if i got the discord or tumblr app but #i'm not going to do either of those things but like. i don't know #i wish i talked more regularly to people but the actual process of doing that feels so odd to me #i dunno. we party

[morrigan-sims]

I was playing with looks for Rook for during his time with Wolf the other day, and LOOK AT HIM!! My poor, tortured boy...

#he looks so wrong with a different haircut lmao. but it's necessary. #this hair isn't curly enough but I couldn't find a better one. #this poor man does NOT deserve the hell I put him through #I put him through all these awful situations in our sessions and then at night I put him through even more awful ones to fall asleep to. #that sounds kind of bad. But like... I mean... don't we all do it? #oc: Rook #my sims #cas #adventures in cas #delete later #... he needs more scruff. if he can't cut his hair then he definitely can't shave... #I think that would fix me feeling so weird about this version of him. #maybe. #idk. #I just don't like change lmao. #but this isn't change!!! it's just a flashback!!!!! #I wanna make an edit of him on the Sea Snake so badly but I don't have any good ideas rn. #other than the edit of Wolf I'm working on rn. #I'm doing a tarot card of her to complement the one I did of Rook. #I have the screenshot taken. I'm just procrastinating editing them because I hate using my drawing tablet while I'm at school. #maybe when I go home for break later in October...

[brittlebutch]

my fatal flaw is that i love notebooks and i love taking notes and i love reorganizing files and love to rewrite things and so i am constantly fielding the impulse to do nothing but rewrite the same notes in new configurations in different notebooks all day long

#N posts stuff #the binder was working really well for us for a while but now i'm like #'oh what if i copied a bunch of the notes from the binder into a different notebook for better readability/organization' #the notebook in question being a book i made myself by cannibalizing empty pages from an old notebook that i wanted to throw away #but it's smaller and more portable than the big binder is; since all the notes i want to retake are ones from Shows it's not like #portability is a major issue - i'm not ever going to go out in public to watch stuff to take additional notes - but my vision is WEIRD and #sometimes printer paper size pages are like. Too Big for my eyes to want to focus on (no idk how much sense this makes to me either) #but mostly i just like to rewrite things like i'm not Feeling Good and so it's like. idk. reassuring/soothing to just rewrite the same shit #as a kid i was like 'damn. i Fully do not understand why writing lines is supposed to be a punishment it is like Enrichment to me' #technically this fatal flaw is not a sin unless you have the subconscious internalized belief that it's Bad to not be Actively creating #and so feel guilt about rehashing comforting things as opposed to using the time to push yourself to write brand new things #so on one hand i DO have that on my shoulder but on the other like.. . pray tell WHO will stop me?

[hauntedtotem]

I think the biggest red flag for me regarding the hopelesspeaches and lio convoy stuff, their entire group (especially lio) has near identical speech patterns and dynamics as my mom's online friend group. Which is less of a red flag and more of a raging wildfire tbh

#I listened to all the calls when they 'leaked' but I didn't know they were leaks I thought lio posted that stuff proudly #I didn't know that they weren't meant to be seen by the public until just now lol #Anyways I'm pleasantly surprised people are talking about how fucked up they were #Bc tbh when I was like 'oh this makes peaches (and everyone else) look like a bitch kinda' the first time I heard the calls- #I thought I was maybe being too judgey or sensitive or something? #But now everyone else is like 'yeah they are all being bitches actually' im like. Oh! So I understood right and wasn't just overreacting #Mostly bc lio was ranting about being a conservative Christian and weird 'nuclear family values' on one call and my immediate thought was #'oh gross Im too biased against this man to be able to look at this- #-discussion objectively. I'm gonna think he sucks regardless of the situation and therefore idk lf im a fair judge ?' #So it's cool to get confirmation from other ppl saying 'oh no ur right he sucks and here's why' #this is the 2nd time this week I got 'no youre not just overreacting. Other ppl are upset too' validation abt a topic. cool #//shade #I'm sure there's plenty of found family groups online that are great but so many of the ones i hear abt feel like a cult imo #My mom is in a group where this dude calls her and other women there his daughters like lio does to peaches and it feels gross to me idk #Ik everyone craves found family connections but. Idkk it feels weird to be taking that in a literal sense and calling them dad/my daughter #Feels like introducing unnecessary power dynamics. #Theres a difference between 'oh this person is like family to me because we're so close' #vs 'oh i am adopting this person and assuming a parental position over them'. that sounds unhealthy I think ? #Edit I just found out lio posted a response but it's midnight and I have a date tomorrow I'm not watching that rn lol #imo both him and peaches are bad and idc if one is worse than the other or whatever. #Peaches has been two faced for a while; lio might've taken advantage of her bc he's kinda creepy. They're both saying the other abused them #This is like jade and julian talking shit about each other to me. Idc guys I hate both of u srry <3 #Iykyk