#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[lovecrazedpup]

just had one of the worst cries of my life i think

#going out soon but idk im just so full of anxiety n everything sucks #ive been throwing up since like 3am too bc im so anxious #like i fucked up last night and it hasnt left my mind #n then i have to join a discord and get interviewed and play a game that i find terrifying bc itll make him happy (first world problems ik) #and now i have to go out to lunch today #which would be great but !! #my jeans are a tiny bit tighter than they usually are which means i gained weight !!!! i havent eaten today so its not bloating !!! #and then i went into the bathroom to look at myself and i saw how bad my eyebags are so i went to put on makeup #but i looked fucking stupid so i took it off and now im just sitting here kinda bawling over how ugly i am #i fucking hate it !! im so disgusting #im so tired i just want to kms and cut #how am i meant to talk to him when i cant stop crying and how am i meant to go outside like this #like im never gonna post my face here but u guys rlly dont know how gross i look #god im gonna meet him in like 4 months dude i fucking cant hes gonna find me so repulsive im going to cry #wtf do i do im so fucked nothing is going to save me #hes just gonna spend like 3 days with me probably fuck me and then just leave me i fucking know it #its so over man its so fucking over someone just run me over with a car #jamie.txt

[princessbrunette]

rafe with crybaby reader cause my heart 😍 shes real nervous to leave his room when she’s over even tho they’ve been together for ages but he’s tapping her butt and telling her to be a big girl and to do what she wants. so she goes to get water and little miss clumsy drops something and it breaks. maybe wards been having a bad week or smth so he comes out of his study and yells a little and she just cries her eyes out. rafe would loose his shit I know it ‼️

goddddd this !!!! i relate to this so hard bc i am a huge cry baby :( i don’t think ward would yell but i think he’d be an asshole in his own intimidating, highkey terrifying way.

you cringe as the glass shatters, eyes instantly welling up as you gasp — wanting to slap yourself. you’re a guest in the cameron’s home and you’re already messing things up and breaking things, how ungrateful could you be? almost instantly you hear quick and heavy footsteps, not rafes— no, he didn’t walk like that, you knew what his footsteps sounded like. this was ward.

he stands in the doorway, mouth agape a little, just staring at you like ‘seriously?’ and you wanna sink into the ground.

“i’m so sorry, mr cameron it was totally an accident. i’ll— i’ll buy a new—” you start, jumping into action by squatting and carefully trying to pick up the shards with your fingers. you knew it was dumb, but you panicked and wanted to make things right as quickly as possible.

“just— out of the way please. don’t touch it.” he holds up his hand, cutting you off making your mouth shut quickly. he used a very clipped tone with you, different from the usual welcoming and kind voice he spoke to you in. you stay quiet, stepping aside as you anxiously bite at your finger nail, watching him open a closet and pull out a broom.

you don’t know why, but even though you felt totally guilty you expected him to sweep it up— however he pins you with a stern gaze and holds the broom out. “c’mon, you’re gonna clean it up. okay?” his tone isn’t gentle, leaving no room for suggestion, more threatening if anything. you swallow, nodding frantically and take it from him, sweeping up.

he leans on the counter with his arms crossed watching you as you gather the shards. “you know, i welcomed you into my home sweetheart and this is just… you see how it might irritate me right? i’m not being unfair?” he tilts his head, gesturing that he wants you to look at him.

“no sir, i really really am sorry, i would never disrespec—” you will the tears to stay inside.

“its just… i’m having a rough day, i come home, i gotta listen to my son fucking you for what, an hour straight, with no regard for who might hear, and now i just wanna relax, and you’re smashing my good glasses in the kitchen. i don’t even really know why you were reaching for these glasses, honey, the regular glasses are right there like it’s common sense...” his voice doesn’t raise once, but your lip is wobbling, avoiding his eyes due to how stern and intimidating he was. you had no idea ward could be like this, he seemed so kind at first.

“respect is important, yeah? just try and remember.” he finishes up, running his hands under the tap before sparing you one last disapproving glance and walking to the kitchens exit. at once, rafe appears in the doorway in his sweatpants, coming to see what was taking so long. he glances at you with the broom, and then his dad, brows furrowing in confusion.

“whats going on?”

“just maybe teach your girlfriend some basic house training or respect rafe, i don’t know i’m tired…” he trails off, walking past his son back into the hallway. rafe is quick to react as usual, face screwing up in disgust and swivelling his whole body to follow his dad.

“excuse me? no, the fuck did you just say?” he asks, voice a little raised. you sigh, swiping your tears on the back of your wrists and pouring the shards into the bin before following.

“don’t make this a thing son, she broke my good glass so she’s cleaning it up, go to bed.” he waves him off but rafe storms infront of him.

“are you serious? she’s a guest in our home, what you — you’re always fuckin’ telling me to treat the guests with respect so what— the same doesn’t apply to my girl? fucking… apologise, now.” he demands, making his dad simply scoff. rafe didn’t didn’t like that. he stares him down, pushing his tongue into his cheek before flickering his eyes up at you. “go back to my room, baby i’ll be up soon. clearly i gotta have a conversation with my old man.” he drawls, eyes fixated back on his dads face, beaming with anger.

you do as he says, as always. the tears fall freely once you’re back in his room, sat on his bed, face in your hands sobbing and mewling. all you could do was curse yourself out internally. logically, you knew it was just a glass but it felt like a huge deal to you, never wanting to disrespect anyone let alone your boyfriends father. you hear the familiar footsteps of your boyfriend eventually, and you don’t even try to compose yourself— continuing to cry even when he opened the door and re entered.

he sighs, anger and sadness flooding him at the fact that his father had made his baby cry like this, so soon into knowing eachother. he watches you for a moment, trying to let the anger subside, itching his head before slowly coming to sit beside you on the edge of the bed.

“i’m really, really sorry about that baby.” his voice is a warm comfort, slightly soothing your hurt.

“how have i already messed up so bad? he hates me now.” you whine and he shushes you with a frown, wrapping a strong arm around you to tuck your head beneath his chin, cheek to his chest.

“hey, hey, shh. my dads just an asshole… but he doesn’t hate you. he’s just having a bad day and decided to take it out on you for whatever fuckin’ reason. you’re all good. it’s just a glass, right? means nothin’.”

“it didn’t seem like it meant nothing to him.” you pull away to look at him, eyes watery and puffy bottom lip pouted. he sighs once more, both hands rising to wipe his thumbs beneath your eyes, caressing your cheeks.

“and like i said, he’s just an asshole. don’t let him get to you baby. yeah?”

you sniffle. “yeah.”

“good, show me that smile, c’mon.” a hand drops down to your waist, digging his fingers in a little, threatening to tickle. you can’t help it, even just a threat of a smile on rafes lips makes you grin, which only mirrors in his expression. “there y’go. that’s my big girl.”

#anon #rafe cameron prompt #rafe cameron drabble #rafe cameron fluff #rafe cameron blurb

[cannibalizedyke]

omg ok i’m sorry this’ll be the last one for now i feel bad 😭😭 but eddie x fem!henderson!reader with mutual pining and dustin is totally sick of it and just tells eddie what reader thinks of him and when eddie approaches her she’s just like “dustin you little shit”

i’m sorry again for putting so many requests in 😭🫶🫶

NO NO SEND MORE COREY BABY I LOVE YOUR REQUESTS I LOVE GETTING EDDIE REQUESTS HON

dude i love henderson!reader it's probably my favorite thing fucking ever

also!! in my head the reader is adopted, i don't want anyone to feel like they aren't being included bc they don't look like dustin :)

part two

💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗👛💗

You always volunteered to drive Dustin and his friends to Eddie Munson's trailer for Hellfire.

It wasn't because you cared about your brother, it wasn't because you wanted to be helpful, it wasn't for any good sentimental big sister reason. No.

You drove Dustin to Hellfire because it gave you an excuse to see Eddie, the boy you'd been crushing on since your freshman year.

Eddie didn't know this, of course. He thought you were like, a good person or some shit, no matter how vehemently Dustin tried to convince him that could not possibly be further from the truth. You were nice, but you weren't gonna waste your time doing stuff for your little brother. That wasn't like you at all.

"Stop shitting on your sister, man," Eddie said, rolling a die. "She drives you to Hellfire, she obviously really cares about you."

Dustin sputtered. "Cares about me!? Sure, but like, not enough to waste her time driving me, Mike, and Lucas here! She drives us cause she's - " Dustin shut his mouth, eyes wide.

Eddie raised an eyebrow. "Cause what, Henderson?"

Dustin shook his head vigorously. "Nah, she would kill me if I told you."

Eddie licked his lips. "Ooh, so your sister has a secret?"

Dustin looked absolutely terrified.

"Tell us, tell us," Eddie started chanting, and before long everyone else had joined in.

Dustin was scared of you, but he was more susceptible to peer pressure. "(Y/N) drives us cause she has a giant crush on Eddie!" Dustin covered his mouth.

Eddie's mouth dropped open. "No fuckin' way, man, you're makin' shit up." He laughed. "Tell us the truth, Henderson."

"It is the truth!" Dustin insisted. "She like, talks about you all the time, like to her friends and stuff. She thinks your rings are really hot." Dustin winced.

"Dude, your sister really likes me?" Eddie asked, leaning forward with wide eyes.

"Yeah, but don't give her a hard time about it, okay? She's sensitive to rejection, man."

Eddie snorted. "Give her a hard time? Nah, man, I'm gonna ask her out."

"What!?" Dustin shrieked. "No, no, siblings are off limits."

Eddie smirked. "Too bad you don't make the rules." He checked his watch. "Oh, and it looks like she'll be here in just a few minutes to pick you up." He rested his feet on the table and reclined back in his throne. "Dude, why didn't you tell me sooner? Your sister's hot as hell, man, I'd go out with her in a heartbeat."

Dustin groaned, covering his face. "That's disgusting, Eddie."

A banging sounded at the door. "Dustin!" you yelled. "Hurry your ass up!"

Eddie perked up. "I'll get it!"

"No, no, Eddie, no!" Dustin begged, but Eddie was already running toward your knocking.

"Let's g- Eddie?" You looked at him, eyes wide. "Oh, um, hi." You swallowed.

"Hey, Henderson." Eddie relaxed against the doorframe, grinning at you. "So, Dustin told me you have a crush on me."

Your mouth dropped open in horror. "DUSTIN I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU - " You started toward your little brother, who screamed.

Eddie held you back. "Nah, nah, (Y/N), let him be. If he hadn't told me I wouldn't have known I could ask you out."

You stared dumbly. "Ask me- What?"

"Wanna go out with me? I mean, I know you're totally out of my league, but - "

"Fucking hell yeah," you replied breathlessly.

Eddie grinned. "Great. Here, tomorrow night at nine? You can pick a movie."

"Sounds awesome." You were still in shock.

"Oh, and here." Eddie slipped off one of his rings and handed it to you. "Since you think they're so hot." He winked.

You glared daggers into Dustin. "You fucking owe me, you dick."

"Yeah," Dustin squeaked.

"Let's go." You grinned at Eddie. "See you tomorrow, Munson."

Eddie grinned back. "See you then."

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x henderson!reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x f!reader #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson drabble #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fic #eddie munson

[hella1975]

Hella something incredibly traumatic just happened to me.  I cannot find the original list thingy i have for chapter 42.  (i was like half way through and then stopped i dont remember why) so i have to start over which isnt a bad thing because i get to reread ittt

Your getting 42 and 43 in one thing 

“It had been one day and one night since they left the Western Air Temple and Zuko had a headache.” sme one get this poor boy some tylenol

Bros extremely overstimulated

“Nanook expected they’d arrive at the White Lotus camp-”  i forgot theyre going to the white lotus camp again and if irohs there still thats going to be really fun.  (probably not for zuko though)

I love your sokka so much its insane.  

It always takes me so long to read your chapters and write these and stuff not because of the length of your chapters (i love long chapters) but because i always try to process every single little thing because its so good and a lot of the stuff doesnt even make it into the list because i dont know how to put it into words and thats how i feel about the dynamic youve created around zuko and sokka.  Like how you took Sokkas canon traits and magnified them to accommodate the traits zuko got threw taob perfectly and theres something so artistic about it and i wish i had the words to better explain how in awe of you i am every time i read a new chapter.

Anywho

“If he spoke them, if he let them out, his friends would snatch these birds from the sky and beat them to death, and they would call it salvation.” oh my fucking god hella what the fuck

Zi Se <3

Oh jeez now he’s hallucinating

I love Zi Se.  Having Zuko take care of a small child is such a unique thing to have in a fic and you make it work so well.  Every scene between them is immaculate

The way you portray trauma is incredible.  The ‘two steps forwards one step back’ ness of it, and the way different peoples traumas rub against eachother and the lashing out and guilt and stuff its really so good.  

I think its funny to think about external zuko in taob.  Like a wet dog growling at everyone and pushing itself into a corner.  A little tragic, a little pathetic.  And then in his head he’s having some of the most profound, angsty thoughts.  And the transition between those scenes is also entertaining.  

I also really like the dynamic Zuko has with the entirety of the gang.  Like it’s not just sokka going ‘i can fix him’ and doing it, its a group effort and the different peoples individual traits work well with helping different parts of zuko heal.  When he needs sternness and bluntness, theres sokka, when he needs something more gentle, theres tomnook, and when he needs something in between theres katara.  

I saw your authors notes that was like ‘i’m writing another zukka fic!’ and i was so confused for a moment and i was like ‘wtf is she talking about’ and then it was like ‘you can read it here!’  and i was like ;holy shit its already posted!?  Why didnt she tell tumblr about this and then i was like ‘oh shes talking about tams.’  i forgot it was a zukka fic.  

That took me 3 hours.  

Anywho 

Chapter 43:  : )

“Gradually, things got easier and they fell into a routine.” well thats a relief i hope nothing bad will happen ever again : )

“Suki wasn’t far from him, dipping her water flask into the current,”  of topic but i dont get how people didnt just drop dead from drinking random ass water like how is suki not going to get dysentary.  Sokka needs to invent these people a water filter.

Im carefully treading ocross this chapterbecause of the stuff ive seen from tumblr and discord and while i guess i trust you not to kill tomnook *this chapter* im still very weary and terrified.  

Being american means that you might not be able to afford to read taob bc of the inevitable therapy bill

If i get ptsd from this i quit

Anywho

““Zuko, dude, buddy.” Sokka appeared from where he’d been washing his frankly disgusting tunic, now leaving it to drip around his neck, shirtless as he clapped a hand to Zuko’s shoulder. “If a girl calls you roguish, it’s a compliment.”” Bros projecting

“ this seemed to bother Sokka more than anyone. Hot stuff was one of her favourites, which Zuko thought made sense. He was a firebender, after all. It really didn’t warrant the spluttering and indignance Sokka met it with, stomping over to Suki and kicking water at her while she cackled.” Still projecting

If Tomnook becomes canon i will personally see to starting a movement across all social media platforms similar to the november 6th destiel thing

“He was still smiling. Always smiling. Nanook let him go.” THIS IS THE PART THAT DESTROYED ME????????????????????????????????????? IT WAS ABOUT HAIRR????????????????????/ im actually going to kms oh my god im suing

I experienced so much turmoil for it literally to just be tomkin walking away

Im so insulted

Also nanook definitely has a crush on him just in case you didnt know 👍

Now Kataras overstimulated

“Zuko had taken the carrots.” God dammit Zuko 

If Sokka or Katara find the carrots that wont be good

I dont trust you anymore

““There’s something you’re not telling me,” she said, staring out at the grass around them, the stars in the inky sky. It was the exact same as when they’d sat together the other day, hand in hand, when she’d first admitted to this anger.

Zuko was tense beside her, before sighing in defeat. “This is about the carrots, isn’t it?”  This is so funny for no reason 

““I could probably help you find those men, if you wanted,””  you fucking idiot i cant believe him

“He liked liked Zuko, with his stupid, roguish hair and his muscles and his gentle way of handling Zi Se and his stupid sense of humour and his sheer, stubborn will to keep going. How could Sokka ever talk to Bato again? This was the worst thing to happen ever,”  ITS HAPPENING 

I NEED THAT ONE GIF FROM THE OFFICE JFC

OH MY GOD

I CANT BREATH

The fact that he immediately thought of bato is so iconic i love that for him

The whiplash sokka must feel from coming to terms with his feelings for zuko and that he’s able to grieve his mom and then katara coming out like ‘yeah im going to murder him’ must be insane its like that cat in the hat meme where hes going to hit the dude with the bat

I dont think that conversation went like suki planned for it to

Zukkkaaa fight

THEYRE HUGGIN THIS IS NOTA DRILL OGM

“Katara wouldn’t kill those men.” oh thank fuck

“. local boy discovers the uno reverse card immediately makes it everyone else's problem.”  Lmfao 😂  💀

You have never written a bad anything hella lm tell you.  2 10/10 chapters good job, that was fabulous, i love it.  

Im in a class this semester that deals with analyzing literature and reading a lot of like ‘classic’ books.  And the entire time im reading these books some that are considered to be from some of the best authors of all time is that im comparing them to the things youve written and when ive said that your such a talented writer before, i dont know how much ground ive had to stand on but now that i have like a (very small) reference point for that stuff, holy shit you are such a talented writer.  

Like i know its not your major and that youve never studied it and stuff and the fact that you can produce all of that based on pure talent is honestly incredible.  Im constantly in awe every time i read anything of yours its insane.  I really do hope your as proud as you can be of yourself, you deserve it. 

~list anon~

list anon i get such a little smile on my face when i see ur asks come in like i get comfy and make sure i have time to go through the whole thing in one go and it just warms my heart that someone so consistently makes time for me and my silly stories. thank you x

#you shitting it about tom nook DID make me chuckle tho. sorry babe <3 #i especially appreciated the compliment about zi se. he's my little baby! #'some of the best authors of all time is that im comparing them to the things youve written' KISSING YOU? INSANE THING TO SAY? #ask #taob asks #list anon

[chilapis]

hi almandine ! i hope ur having a wonderful day ; are u taking breaks and eating well ? idk if the semesters are as long as they are for me bc i know we live in different places, but i wish u so much good luck for ur studies as the end of the academic year approaches 🫶 i wanted to ask, what kind of person is leon? what does he do, whats the world he lives in like, and how do u see him thru ur eyes? my only exposure to him is through .. online mods and gifs ive seen of him go viral, u probably know the ones LOL, but i wanted to learn abt him from u if thats okay 🫶 (@dmclr)

Our semester has pretty much come to its conclusion — my first final is in…. 18 days? Just a little over two weeks, which is a terrifying thought. I’ve been trying to see to my needs and give myself a break and here though! <3 I just hope you’ve been taking care of yourself the same way? Please don’t let yourself drown in academic or other stressors, and know that with as strong as you are, you can overcome anything.

The online mods…. Yeah, I’ve. seen a couple. They’re, something certainly. (My reaction to that information v)

What does he do? Well, he was a cop— just started his job, actually (like one day? literally one day? It was the first day?), but then pretty much got hired by The President and got employment as a government agent for the United States. Fun.

The Resident Evil world is… interesting? Kind of like if, “fuck around and find out” and, “instead of asking if you can, ask if you should” combined. There’s biological weapons running rampant, including dogs, literal zombies (but we don’t call them zombies, no), and uh…. Huge grey men?

Say hi to him. He will not die. You cannot kill him. You cannot kill anything in this stupid universe actually. My favourite Resident Evil game, Resident Evil 7 (which… ironically doesn’t have Leon in it) literally features this one stupid fucking Southern family (whom I love so sweetly) and the father, Jack Baker, just will. Not. Die. You know how in games you get to experience different boss battles? Yes, well, I don’t remember how many boss battles are in RE7, but I will tell you this: 3 of them belong to Mr. Baker ENTIRELY. He just mutates worse and worse and you keep thinking he is dead but he is NOT. You kill his wife and she dies but no, he just won’t fucking die. And then you buy the DLC and you play as the big, strong, veteran uncle who just PUNCHES THINGS INSTEAD OF USING WEAPONS AND IT SOMEHOW FUCKING WORKS and guess who the big bad is! You’ll never guess! You’ll never figure it out! That’s right! It’s Jack Fucking Baker for the fourth god damn time and now he looks even more disgusting and corrupted. Although the game did not include Leon (it held Ethan Winters, a darling father), it’s still set in the same universe so I feel like you can get a pretty good… idea from all of that, yes? Remember ! Nothing. Dies. If you think it’s dead, it is not, it is simply now More aware of your existence.

Now, onto the actual man himself.

First of all? Not related to my view on him but he’s was… kind of misogyny-coded in the original Resident Evil 4 and that makes me giggle a little but I still somehow prefer that RE4 to the 2023 Remake. I know I reblog gifs of the remake a lot and that is simply because, I mean, who doesn’t enjoy experiencing their silly guy with better graphic quality, right? But I don’t like the alterations they did to certain scenes and dialogues. Also he looked like this in the original re4 which scares me more than the undying mutated abominations so, I. Well.

(^ NOT RELATED TO THE MISOGYNY HE WAS SUFFERING FROM DISEASE HE WAS ILL)

Okay, okay, anyway…. I HATE how the fandom views him, it stresses me out. They view him as this demanding, super serious, violent, brooding man who just wants a stupid, ditzy, useless girlfriend he can dominate, control and be a creep towards but that’s… not him? Like, how do you mess up so bad. This isn’t a particular part of the fandom as much almost the majority of it, sadly.

I feel like he’d, if anything, be a “wife guy”; he has a stressful job, he is traumatised beyond belief, he looks death in the eyes on a regular basis, he lost his parents when he was young, he has went through a-lot. And yet he’s so gentle, he still believes in saving everyone. He still believes in humanity and has this hope in him. He is still… soft. I don’t think he’d be a controlling or aggressive partner; I think he just wants something comforting to come back to, and he’d be SO grateful to have a partner who sticks by him through thick or thin, he’d be so genuinely giddy while taking about them. He lost his parents for fuck’s sake and got stuck in this godforsaken infected world when he was just 21… he wants home, I think more than anything he wants to come back to a place where he doesn’t have to think, where things can be handled for him and all he has to do is let himself be loved. Praised and acknowledged for once in his (somewhat miserable, let’s be honest) life. I mentioned, while answering Lucy’s ask, that I view him as a guard dog, and I think that’s perfect for him. He exists to protect — he has dedicated himself to that protection, to offering that canopy. His aggression is never on the offence, it has never been; not once, but it is done as a protective measure. If the years have reduced Ajax to a sword then they have reduced Leon to a shield. He just wants his efforts acknowledged — he just wants praise and warmth and comfort — and yet are they ever? At-least, to the degree they deserve? He falls into a depressive state in Resident Evil: Vendetta and it stings. He is such a simple man and I genuinely believe domesticity could fix him. He has never known what it’s like to feel safe — why would anyone want to force him to be a protector even in his partnership, even in intimacy? Let him relax for fuck’s sake. Let him. know what it’s like to be on the other end for once in his life. Comfortable clothes, hand holding on a warm cup of tea rather than a gun or a knife. No news channels and no social media or nothing. Phone on DND. I do not care if the USA burns to the ground, I want him to rest his head on my shoulder and finally get the sleep he hasn’t had in years. Civilian lives can wait a few hours to be saved.

#do you understand how fucking much I hate the fandom. get your hands OFF him #🥀 — colloquy. #🫀🐕

[glacierbash]

mac bestie!!! i think... u should do the bingo for paracelsus and or audrey darkest dungeon,,,

my creatures. my blorbos. the first characters who i liked so much i questioned if i had autism. even though i barely talk about DD anymore does not change the fact these two hold a special place in my heart. now beginning under the read more bc i have THOUGHTS

for paracelsus. i feel the need to scream at the way i see some people talk about her and i straight up cannot say just yes or no if she was horrible because YES on the surface we see a callous and cruel and detached woman so focused on her science and her medicine that she's willing to do the unthinkable. but then we think about how deeply it scarred her, her deep potential to care about people, and the fact that she's ultimately one of the heroes of dd1+2, it's hard to say she's a HORRIBLE person. bad person? Absolutely. a person on the path to redemption? entirely. a horrible person? nah. (to be clear, claiming she's never done anything wrong in her life IS biased but I am the biggest paracelsus fan out there so I have the right to say so).

and also the amount of people calling her a milf or some shit is incorrect. that's a disgusting 24-25 year old who wants to study your injuries and keep samples of your pus. fucker's got no game, who you callin' a MILF.

audrey I am slightly less mentally ill about but only by a few mental inches. good lord this woman is terrible. i cannot defend her at all EXCEPT I CAN BECAUSE IF MY HUSBAND WAS THAT AWFUL I WOULD MURDER HIM TOO! FUCKING GET IT GIRLBOSS! everything else about her is terrible though. i refuse to believe she's not a lesbian though. remember when plaguerobber was defined by the one bark about audrey knowing a doctor that owed her a favor? i do. i remember that. I still stand by that. but also ultimately i think audrey's a terrified woman who wrestles with guilt, not of her actions, but of getting caught. she's a character who i refuse to believe fully understands the weight of the situation but also in my heart i believe she could be selfless and save a life, she'd just refuse to acknowledge it and gripe at you afterwards for pointing out what she did. talk to me more about paracelsus and audrey and plaguerobber oh my GOD i'm gnashing my teeth

#answered ask #thank you bestie. my marbles? lost. #i need to put these two in my mouth again sometime.

[theonlycabbage]

TW Suicide, depression, mental illness, personal

Sorry for the depression and suicide posting, just having a very hard time tonight. I don't blame you for unfollowing bc of it, though hopefully I won't be in a funk like this for too long.

Just a little personal complaining under the cut, in the vein of how depressed teens used to post on Tumblr in 2014. Just want to vent to nobody in particular

I'm so scared that I'm unloveable and worthless. All my friends are both doing better and are better people than I am, and I don't know if I have the mental skill or fortitude to ever catch up to them. Covid's violently fried my brain and made it extremely difficult to go back to school or learn more due to intense brain fog, but I really don't want to be stuck with what little I've already learned from my shitty business degree. I DO want to try to learn and improve, but I'm terrified that I just won't be able to even if I tried.

Speaking of friends, the only friends I have are from high school because they're the only people who've adapted to me and how creepy and depressed I can come off. I feel like I'm always one negative interaction from torching the few remaining bridges I have with my friends, who I love immensely and am constantly terrified of losing. That doesn't even take into account me possibly starting to date again, but I'm currently drowning in so much self loathing that it's very reasonable for me to not even bother, not to mention how much my physical appearance and gender presentation fucking disgusts me. Everybody's so much BETTER than me, and pretty much everybody deserves better. I feel so disgusting, stupid, and subhuman around my friends, and I feel so awful about how goddamn jealous I am about how much better they all are than me in literally every conceivable category.

I realize that this is so bitchy and generic and not "that bad" in the grand scheme of things, but god does it make me want to blow my brains out. I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate myself so goddamn much. I hate myself so much that it burns a pit in my stomach and makes me want to throw up

#personal #mental health #suicide tw

[yuukei-yikes]

Ok after your whole “shintaro misogyny” “shinaya?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??????!,!,?,?,?,?,?,,,” rant (loved btw, Jin stop making ur female characters rely on male counterparts, stop making your male characters hate women or believe they are incapable challenge), how do you feel about Kanoshin. I know you have talked about it before but like, idk, talk about it again lol.

Kano “I can fix him” Shuuya? Or Kano “I can make him worse” Shuuya.

JQKEOEKDWODIEID MY WHOLE "SHINTARO MISOGYNY" AND "SHINAYA?!?!?!?!?" thats so funny i didnt MEAN for it to be a rant. i was just venting 💔 BUT THANK U FOR LOVING IT BC I FUCKING LOVE TALKING ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY BOTTLED UP FEELINGS.

man. kanoshin. i dont think they're an i can fix him or i can make him worse duo. i dont think they are together FOR each other, they're together for their personal gratification if that makes sense??? at least that's how it starts. like they rly feed off of each other's worst coping mechanisms and validate themselves thru that. but through doing this obviously cant help to get to know each other and shintaro is pathetically laughing at kano's jokes and kano is pathetically kicking his feet and twirling his hair at shintaro groaning pathetically on the ground abt god knows what (NEVER forget this novel 7 moment)

also its so funny how often in the novels shintaro just physically throws himself on the ground to start moaning and groaning whenever he gets embarrassed. he's such a fucking freak. like who the fuck does that

shintaro and kano in the seventh novel are so insanely gay it's SO fucking good. THE BIT WHERE SHINTARO SMILES AT KANO AND KANO'S LIKE HUH...THAT'S HOW HE USED TO SMILE AT AYANO... HE ALWAYS HAD THIS SPECIAL SMILE FOR HER, AND NOW HE'S SMILING JUST LIKE THAT TO ME... like GIRLLLL *EXPLODES THEM WITH MY MIND* there is seriously no heterosexual explanation for any of that. god the seventh novel is so so so good. all of them are so good i wonder why it's the least consumed kagepro media they're SUPERIOR. the novels my #1 forever i fucking love them.

anyways. im normal erm kanoshin hehehehehehehhehe i think they're both far too terrified and disgusted abt their feelings for each other to consider stuff like "i can fix him" or "i can make him worse" YOU GET WHAT IM SAYING??? on this subject specifically, shintaros self hatred comes from well everything bitch hates himself but if we're talking abt kanoshin. 1. its ayanos brother. even if we dont even look at shinaya ever being romantically involved in the first place, THIS IS WEIRD TO HIM. 2. internalized homophobia arc☝️☝️☝️🙏🙏🙏👍👍👍👍💯💯💯

the fic i drew fanart of a couple days ago is SO *EATS IT EATS IT EATS IT* or also a soulmate au that i havent read in aaaages and also never finished but in that one shintaro was already out as bi... sadly both are aus WHICH DOESNT make them bad, aus are awesome but the things I'd do for content like that set post str. please. *bite bite bite bite bite* srry i bring these fics up cuz hehehe internalized homophobia shintaro is so good

maybe kano would eventually set for i can make him worse but it's in an attempt of scaring shintaro away. he's like im gonna self sabotage so much to make sure he stays away from me but shintaro is STILL here looking pathetic and kano's like god DAMMIT. erm. yeah.

btw now for me being crazy (tw me using shintaro as a stress toy to make me laugh): i think post str shintaro is not AS BAD with being absolutely fucking insufferable abt his whole guys rule girls drool thing because my man's had a little time to grow (ignores shinaya chapter in the eighth novel so i don't go insane with anger). i think post str shintaro makes 1 sexist comment and the entire mekakushi dan just fucking freeze for a moment. and give him an intervention and force him to say im sorry women and ever since then is more mindful of his actions. sorry i have to be delusional and believe this or else I'd just fucking hate his ass. im sorry shinaya i love you but *burns novel 8 shinaya chapter*

shintaro's messy relationships post str is my favorite stress toy btw. relationship with ayano crumbles. starts WHATEVER THAT IS with kano. in the self hatred confusion and internalized homophobia and etc the situation causes him (situation being gf dumped me bc im selfish so i hate myself / i kissed a boy a couple times so i hate myself) he desperately turns to the next closest Female(?) Counterpart with the following thought process "Pfff well i am so straight and SO capable of holding a normal relationship and i can PROVE IT there is one person who is 1. girl enough 2. apparently okay with me being a selfish asshole and consuming all their energy with my bullshit". so the solution is obvious to shintaro. just date takane.

turns out hitting on your best friend who also happens to be ur other best friend's gf is not good for either one of these relationships. so his friendship with not only takane but also haruka crumbles too in response and its so awkward. takane bc 1. i dont feel this way abt you and I'd treat the situation sensibly if i didnt know you well enough to know you dont actually like me that way and ur just taking me for granted like youve been doing all this time which WAS pissing me off and on its way to eventually explode but THIS....??? and haruka 2. YOU JUST HIT ON MY GIRLFRIEND?? (shintaro would be like maaan why did you tell haruka. and harutaka are like *slam door on his face*) situation drives shintaro to possibly end up kissing kano again. 🤨

its so hilarious. to me at least. ITS FINE he will get over it and makeup with everyone but i like making him suffer 👍 this is what you get shintaro. What do you have to say to the women in the world. apologize. say im sorry women. say it. say it and I'll leave you alone. sorry i went a little crazy in the end

#ask tag #headcanons #sorry. shintaro in agony bc ayano dumps him and in agony bc he likes kano desperately hitting on takane is A HILARIOUS CONCEPT #ayashin divorce

[indouloureux]

This is like extremely off topic but I broke up with my bf bc he made me feel gross about myself. I've always has a problem with the way that I look. Idk I've just never really liked myself everyone else tells me I have nothing to feel bad about there is nothing wrong with me at all. But bc of how I feel having someone be intimate with me can be difficult. So fast forward I met my ex we were dating for about 6 months before we had sex. Everything was fine etc he's kinda vanilla but that's totally okay I don't shame ppl for not being into certain things I am. Well the last time we were ever intimate he pulls out of me and (I'm not gonna specifically say it but I hope you understand) my fluids were like milky white and stuff and he made fun of for it and called me gross etc. I looked it up and it says thats perfectly normal but idk he knows how I feel about it and it just made me feel gross and disgusting like something was wrong with me. I made him get off me immediately and I ran into the bathroom and scrubbed my skin red. Then later on I saw he was texting his friends about it. They actually were on my side of things and telling him that that's a good thing and he was doing his job etc. But he just kept saying how grossed out he was about now I'm terrified to ever let someone be that intimate with me again.

babes!! first off, sorry for the late reply i had to think of a proper response. second, i am proud of you for breaking it off with him. he's a jerk and he's an idiot and totally fucking stupid. your fluids being white are totally normal and it's good to know even his friends are siding with you.

your fear is understandable, and it takes courage and a shit ton of trust to be that intimate again. but i want you to know that none of it is your fault. it's completely his. i want you to think that what your fluids look like are normal, and that he's just a complete dickhead. i'm sorry that you had such a shitty boyfriend like that, but i am not sorry that you broke up with him. you don't need a guy like that!!

sending hugs and kisses mwah i love u!! <3

#anon #answered

[ienvieu]

i need therapy my god i don't know what to do with myself anymore i feel repelled by myself pls don't read if triggered by mental health talk or sh shit and whatnot

i don't know where else to write this im trying so hard to distract myself from my body i feel everything tingling this is disgusting i feel so fucking disgusting all of my scabs and scars are itching so bad the more i think about them i hate going into the shower and seeing them god i feel so icky in my own body this is so messed up i wasn't like this two years ago i feel so sorry so really sorry oh my god i don't know what to do with myself god im so sorry i feel disgusted i can't even look at myself this is god i don't know i want to start over again i hate this so much why did i not listen fuck this i feel so stupid i knew i should not have tried it the first time i knew that anyone who started would not be able to stop until too late and yet i felt so curious i was so stupid god i want to take it all back they won't come off they won't go away i feel so disgusting im covered and no one knows i hope they never know god i had a nightmare again my mom found out and ripped my clothes off me i felt so so terrified i woke up in cold sweat god what am i going to do they'll find out eventually it's been a year they still haven't but someday they will god oh my god i don't know what to do i feel like throwing up i never should have come online then i wouldn't have known what cutting even was god i could have stuck with punching things like i used to before or just getting therapy for fucks sake i went online bc i was lonely and ended up getting ideas i regret this so much it's all coming down on me this is so nuts im having a breakdown lmfao god what do i do im shaking this is oh my god i never really looked at myself i should not have oh my gos what have i done stupid stupid i remember sitting down after midnight just picking that thing up in the middle of my studying session and then just doing it my god what did i do Nd then i didn't stop and it became a habit and a sweet release and now i have to live with these for the rest of my life god i am so so stupid this is so rich it got worse how is it supposed to get better im praying im praying i feel so sorry

#wtf i cant stop shaking i think my body is trying to deal with the shock im going through this isnt a panic attack i think this doesnt feel #like one but why cant i stop sgaking #this is why you dont supress emotions that turn into anger issues haha #anger means stupidity and you get addicted to anger and you lose yourself in anger #and stupid shit happens that you cant take back #i dont remember how i was like two years ago #before all of the hiding started #the goosebumps wont die down HELP ncbnc #no but actually pls do help how to stop literally spazzing #tw: sh mention #update okay the buzzing i mean shaking stopped after i saw a passing chaewon pic lol

[painonthebrain]

I’m gonna be honest watching everything with @/emmettworld go down is just kinda sad and also makes me. Conflicted?

Idk proship vs anti shit below cut im just . I probably shouldnt be writing anything rn bc my brain isn’t functioning for. Some fucking reason but whatever i do what i want

Like I don’t define myself as proship bc I think the whole pro vs anti thing is like. Ugh I can’t find the words. Idk it’s like.

Like I don’t want to call myself proship because. I have so many friends who will tear me apart for that and itll ruin our relationships and I love them and also I hate like. Having to attribute myself to a “side” but like. I’m completely fine with everything fictional. Yes. I don’t care, as long as it’s properly tagged, warned, etc.

Also I ship stuff like selfcest and clonecest so. Idk I don’t think antis do that.

And anti culture reeks of ew ew ew this (fiction) is gross! It shouldn’t exist AT ALL! And proship culture reeks of oh my god these stupid baby minors this is FICTION. DUH. Youre all beneath me

Anyway I know theres at least one moot i i can think of who has proship dni in their intro and like... if ur reading this. hi. I dont call myself proship but i certainly have some of the beliefs which is why i interact but if you’re uncomfortable u can totally block me like. Im not doing this to be some shady imposter who lurks in the dark i just dont label myself as any of this shit!!

im like. Lowkey terrified of how people are going to react to this post bc im HORRIBLE at using my words rn but like.

Like i just want people to make whatever tf they want to make! It shouldn’t be a person’s problem to “sanitize” themselves! And also fictional characters are quite literally made up people we create to do whatever the fuck we want to them! But also it’s important (in my opinion) to be at least a little critical of what you make. But also you shouldn’t have to file down your expression. But alsO-

Like there are so many factors to well. Factor in when it comes to fiction! And i try so hard to develop my media literacy (even with my underdeveloped baby frontal lobe) every day but even so these topics can be hard to navigate

Anyway yeah no conclusion paragraph because as you can probably tell from my writing. I have no idea what im saying i just feel the need to say something

Idk i just feel like a neurotic prey animal right now like im like.

Ok ok time to get personal guys

I have like MAJOR irrational fears that i am a horrible person like. Almost constantly and pro vs anti discourse makes that shit go fucking WILD. anyway. Yeah i have like this almost fanatic paranoid fear that no matter how hard i try i am a Bad Person and that im like. Metaphorically rotting from the inside and eventually i will expose it to everyone that i am Bad and Awful and Nasty and that even then when everything goes bad ill be completely unaware of my own inherent corruptness and that i will eventually hurt people or whoever i have the capacity to hurt and that things are doomed to fail for me because im such an abhorrent person

Anyway yeah those thoughts are obviously NONSENSICAL because… what??? The fuck????

But then my brain is like ooh yeah lets introduce some fucked up thoughts in here. Intrusive thoughts, if you will. Which all span many nasty awful things that are usually highly morally corrupt and wow I wonder if that ties into all that i said before? Yep it probably does!

Which makes me anxious as hell because then im also convincing myself that those thoughts are real and are my own thoughts and wants. Which FUCKS ME UPPP

So anyway that’s why I don’t label myself as pro or anti because proship makes me feel like im a horrible person who will hurt people and is disgusting and awful (also the intrusive thoughts) and the anti label goes against my very strong beliefs of freedom of creation and expression etc.

Yay rant vent brain barf over!!!!

#elec rambles #rant #vent #i really dont know if it qualifies as either of these but whatever #its like a weird amalgamation of the two #yeah im sorry i kind of dropped into a tangent #anyway if i never acknowledge this again so be it #i was gonna tag this as psa but. i really think i shouldnt

[splatterschool]

I’m such a fucking idiot. Like honestly what the hell.

My whole life I’ve been reading stories about girls like me getting abused by guys who wear all the red flags on their sleeves. I always think to myself “how can you possibly fall for that? How can you see what that man’s like and decide to stick with him?” I thought they were naive, and that I was well educated, and raised to not take bullshit from a guy who only cares about beating the shit out of me or having sex.

And then it happened to me. My opinion hasn’t changed, I still think those girls are idiots. I’m one of them too I’m retarded asf because I saw everything that was wrong with that boy and willingly stuck with him. I was 99% sure he lied about everything, so I don’t even know why it hit me so hard when he revealed it all to me. He always made sexual remarks about me, always told me about when he masturbated, showed me all the subreddits he was in, showed me his racist and sexist memes, told me about how he called a middle schooler hot, and I told him all of my weaknesses for literally no reason.

I told him about how I wrapped blankets around my throat and pulled on them like a garrote just to know the feeling. Told him about how I liked to rip the skin off my fingertips or pull my toenails off. And when I told him I had difficulty feeling real, he told me “Well I for one think you’re a real person”

How can you be so good at lying that you make someone who would normally hate everything about you stick around for as long as you wanted? If I was any dumber and decided to stop taking my pills, I probably wouldve let him rape me too. A stupid, geeky sack of shit like him

Acting tough doesn’t make me feel any less disgusting. He’s a total loser, I shouldn’t give a shit about what he thinks about me or said to me. Sure, I can pretend it’s that simple, but even though I never lead him on or let him touch me, I still feel like a slut. Like every night I can’t get ignore the thought of him jerking off to an image of me dead with my eyes gouged out. And then i take sedatives to fall asleep because that thought is horrible and then I remember how he wanted me to be sedated so he could rape me.That’s ridiculous but also kind of impressive. How do you make a girl feel completely violated without ever actually assaulting her?

I tried so hard to make that feeling go away. I mean like I literally ruined his highschool experience. Some of the classes were standing at the front of the school for some fire drill one day, and when I spotted Dane and made eye contact with him, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my razor, and slit my wrist right in front of him. Nobody else saw bc im really good at it and immediately put it back in my pocket.He looked terrified and i felt all proud becos he was seeing just how bad he fucked up the one girl who was good to him. All his “friends” hate him, he can’t get girls; he’s totally screwed. I just wanna feel like a girl again and not some whore, i don’t know why this isnt working

My sexual autonomy is very important to me. Girls my age are having intercourse with guys and tell me about it like it’s the easiest thing in the world but I wanna vomit the second any man tells me about their feelings towards me or stuff they wanna do to me. Its so fucking disgusting id rather kill myself than walk around feeling like my only experience with boys will just be me being sexualized. I do not wanna be sexualized I do not ever want to have sex I want boys to leave me alone forever I fucking hate Gio for telling me i moan whenever I stretch i hate King for asking me to go alone with him at lunch i hate everyone so much I never asked for this

[mundanememorize]

okay i will rant for like two seconds my once a month rant but i have recently realized fucking psychology or i guess like modern/pop psychology especially is destroyingggg art. so bad.

like as writer/artist for like the past 2-3 years i’ve found myself being like oh i need to be able to perfectly articulate how my stories deal with mental health and then i get in this awful loop bc i’m not writing anymore im dissecting.

and on the audience part too it’s also awful. i love metas and analysis etc etc but it’s all turned into this strange phenomenon of like “proving a theory” and so many of these metas (im just going to use that for the catchall) focus on the same dissection.

just lately when it comes to art and discussion old or new academic or twitter rants i feel like i constantly see people asking “what is wrong with the artist to make them make this” instead of understanding the emotion or subject present in the piece and dissecting that as it relates to you. it has ti be clinical and hard fact and true to the creators intent.

i hate this approach so much and the way i see it effects my writing has made me crazy so i’m glad i’ve realized. i do not like to see abstract concepts put into a box im sure no one else does but being in like online art culture it’s so so so bad for that because no one can discuss anything online it has to be a debate. and then you’re debating art instead of analyzing and sharing experience.

this is all very vague and that’s kind of the point. what i’m talking about applies to anyone from like brain rotted edge lord anime girl artists to characters in mainstream/high production projects. there is no separation of art from artist on the basis of how does it make you feel it seems like it’s everyone’s wondering what’s going on in the artists head and trying to use their art as tools to figure it out. i think that has terrified me in creating and it’s made me feel like i have to make it present in my art in the first place so i have “nothing to hide” but why does an audience need to be in your psyche???

this is not me saying exploring mental health and illness and symptoms of it in art is a bad thing, it is exactly the opposite. it’s when it turns into everyone fighting about how xyz proves their headcanon correct and then no one else is allowed to interpret a character another way when the point of most art from the people i know and/or admire want the exact opposite. every character should be a mirror to a large variety of people and experiences. the same shade of green should excite one person and disgust the next. i am just so tired and appalled and over the like compartmentalization of art to enjoy it as a monolith go fuck yourself!!!!!

and i kind of got off topic with the subject of psychology present in art but looking at art with a psychological lense can be fun but that’s the lens you should already be using in the sense of connecting emotionally to pieces. i’m seeing yourself in the art right in front of you. most people (especially people who don’t create art often) go into art immediately trying to “figure it out” which i understand but how to you make it clear to everyone that they already understand, they just need to listen to what is there in front of them.

to look at art through a clinical lens is the death of art is maybe a more accurate way of talking about it. to look at art and try to dissect it, not for yourself, but to say “i know exactly what the artist was thinking” you’ll never be right. it’s fun to joke about in the basis of relation to the art but then that’s just you relating. that’s your experience and perception. you will never know the artists intent.

this is more specific and a little more silly but i feel like that^ over laps with people freaking out about character and “good/bad” representation. saying gay characters can only act this way. that characters with plurality can only be portrayed like this. that characters with a disability or neurodivergence or this or that can only say this list of things or else you’ve made a “harmful character”. of course there is harmful stereotyping but i would hope everyone able to publish and produce stuff knows what to do and not to do. i know that’s not realistic but i hope majority of writers don’t need a strict do and does list to write all of their stories!

i really mean this more in the way of making a strict view of how exactly to portray a certain character especially when it comes to marginalized identity and psychology then makes a new box that pisses people off. people did not like autistic people being portrayed as emotionless genius robots who parade as people and that’s normal because that is fucked up. but why now does every autistic character need to be almost a joke about being “too weird”. why also does a character need to be confirmed by the creator to be anything. it’s definitely nice but to me if a character portrays your experience without being confirmed anything, why not just enjoy the character in the way you perceive them. i’m also just a really big fan of ambiguity and surrealism in art so that’s how i prefer to take it but i don’t understand why every single aspect of art needs to be labeled for enjoyment. it’s killing it.

i kind of got off track with this but i hope it’s clear how i feel like psychology effects art in the ways of when you confine symptoms to one box and you put people into those boxes and those people love art and make art. then the perception of art will be affected and it’s hurting it badly. it is okay to be uncertain but i think psychology is hurting people and art badly in tandem

#there’s also the issue of black and white thibking and absolutes thta have taken over the modern day #from both political extremism to your internal morality but that’s like. this will turn into an actual ten paper essay #and to be transparent on this. this id a lot of stuff i’ve only recently realized and started to unpack because i’ve stopped being obsessed #with these labels. so i am just kind of speaking from my heart and my perception of what was making me kind of crazy #psychology like is helpful to people and that shouldn’t be taken away from them #but i also just kind of wish it could quietly exist and be helpful. #because like ten years ago it was a fucking like social death sentence to be in therapy #and now it’s all you can hear or see be misconstrued on the internet but it’s hurting people more because they get out in a box #<again two very extremist points. we can never seem to find a middle ground #and it’s not bad for people to know terms or symtpms of what they have or think they have because then they can find tools to help #but the way people dissect individuals and lump them together in ‘avoidant type’ style boxes #when people have an array of experience and trauma and hardship under their belt that’s so unique to them it’s so harmful to lump them #in with so many others with that same individual experience. why do we have to mush people together to understand people #why can’t we just meet a person and let them tell us how they are and feel and came to be #sorry this is like my one million thoughts from the past couple months so i’m like. literal essay it has to stop now because i want a #peach red bull

[ventsforme]

3/23/23: I can’t breathe, I feel anxious… I keep trying to shove the thoughts in that “jar” but it’s not working. I don’t know why but what we talked about in therapy won’t get out of my head.. I feel like I could’ve saved her multiple times. I was a kid though, I was terrified but would I even save her if I did say something? Or would the same thing happen to me? You are my father and I love you but what you did was wrong. If someone did that to me or Alex, you would’ve killed someone, or at least I’d hope so. I am angry that the man who was suppose to protect me from everything turned out to be the person who did dangerous things to my own mother. I am angry, I always blamed myself, my mom didn’t deserve any of that. It’s not consent if someone is asleep or passed out. It’s wrong. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Of course men nowadays would say “shit I wouldn’t mind” or something disgusting, but think about it… how would you feel if a man did that to you? Penetrated you while you were not awake? Again, you are my dad and I hope you realize what you did was wrong. We will never talk about this and I hope therapy clears my mind of this traumatizing memory, not only this memory but the other memories as well. I was a kid, a literal child. I didn’t know my rights and wrongs, I thought we were just playing house then you did that. I didn’t know what to do, I froze… I blame myself to this day, when I realized, that this was YOUR doing. You were my cousin, I was suppose to trust you never do anything like that to me. I feel guilt, shame, and so much more. I am not as sexual bc of you, I get all weird when sexual things get brought up here and there, I blame you for how I turned out. I don’t ever want to see you nor will I choose to, I understand we are family but family doesn’t do that to each other… it’s fucked up. Lastly, fuck you JS. You were a family friend and you are fucked up in the head. As a child, you wouldn’t think that anything bad would happen to you yet it does. I remember being terrified as fuck, internally screaming, hoping someone would save me. What you tried to get my brother and I to do to each other was FUCKED UP. I am so glad my mom knocked on the door on time, otherwise, idk what would’ve happened and I don’t even want to think about what would. I don’t blame my brother, I’m sure he was terrified as well. Trying to get people to do that is sick, sick as fuck. I always hoped something bad happened to you and what do you know, something did. Do I enjoy the fact that karma got you? Yes. Do I feel bad what happened to you? Yes but now I don’t. I have no sympathy for you, you can burn in hell for all I care. You don’t deserve anything good in your life. All of you have made me feel horrible about myself and I hope this therapy helps free myself of this gut wrenching feeling.