#wtf i cant stop shaking i think my body is trying to deal with the shock im going through this isnt a panic attack i think this doesnt feel

[ienvieu]

i need therapy my god i don't know what to do with myself anymore i feel repelled by myself pls don't read if triggered by mental health talk or sh shit and whatnot

i don't know where else to write this im trying so hard to distract myself from my body i feel everything tingling this is disgusting i feel so fucking disgusting all of my scabs and scars are itching so bad the more i think about them i hate going into the shower and seeing them god i feel so icky in my own body this is so messed up i wasn't like this two years ago i feel so sorry so really sorry oh my god i don't know what to do with myself god im so sorry i feel disgusted i can't even look at myself this is god i don't know i want to start over again i hate this so much why did i not listen fuck this i feel so stupid i knew i should not have tried it the first time i knew that anyone who started would not be able to stop until too late and yet i felt so curious i was so stupid god i want to take it all back they won't come off they won't go away i feel so disgusting im covered and no one knows i hope they never know god i had a nightmare again my mom found out and ripped my clothes off me i felt so so terrified i woke up in cold sweat god what am i going to do they'll find out eventually it's been a year they still haven't but someday they will god oh my god i don't know what to do i feel like throwing up i never should have come online then i wouldn't have known what cutting even was god i could have stuck with punching things like i used to before or just getting therapy for fucks sake i went online bc i was lonely and ended up getting ideas i regret this so much it's all coming down on me this is so nuts im having a breakdown lmfao god what do i do im shaking this is oh my god i never really looked at myself i should not have oh my gos what have i done stupid stupid i remember sitting down after midnight just picking that thing up in the middle of my studying session and then just doing it my god what did i do Nd then i didn't stop and it became a habit and a sweet release and now i have to live with these for the rest of my life god i am so so stupid this is so rich it got worse how is it supposed to get better im praying im praying i feel so sorry

#wtf i cant stop shaking i think my body is trying to deal with the shock im going through this isnt a panic attack i think this doesnt feel #like one but why cant i stop sgaking #this is why you dont supress emotions that turn into anger issues haha #anger means stupidity and you get addicted to anger and you lose yourself in anger #and stupid shit happens that you cant take back #i dont remember how i was like two years ago #before all of the hiding started #the goosebumps wont die down HELP ncbnc #no but actually pls do help how to stop literally spazzing #tw: sh mention #update okay the buzzing i mean shaking stopped after i saw a passing chaewon pic lol

[hunchoskeazo]

Chapter 3 “The Breakdown”

“So its been a few days that ive been in this hospital and aint heard from nobody wtf is up.?” As i sat there and thought because what else am I suppose to do.

*Picked up the phone and called Rik*

*Ring*

*Ring*

*Ring*

*No Answer*

( Called Ashley)

*Ring*

*Ring*

Ashley:Hello

AJ:Ashley!

Ashley:Hey Boo How you doing I been up there but you was sleep so i was gonna comeback today.

AJ:Oh... You been up here to see me?

Ashley:Why wouldn’t I? She asked so confusingly.

AJ:Oh... Nah i just aint know you came up here....They say I can get discharged tomorrow you gonna come get me..? I asked

Wait.. where is my car hold on..

(I checked my app)

“Yes i have a tracking device on the whip A nigga like me gots to.”

AJ:Oh its outside in the parking garage... Who drove it here.? You did.? I said with concern 🤔

Ashley:Uhhh no rik drove it up there...

Aj:Oh ok... (How she know that I thought to myself but didnt say nothing).“Well ight wyd rn”

Ashley:Nothing Missing you she said. She gave me the cutest look when she said that.

AJ:Dont be saying it like that girl i said with a smirk on my face.

Ashley:Ha Whyy? And Do you still need me to come get you?

AJ:Oh yeah actually leave your car imma send you a uber come here and we’ll drive my car.

Ashley:Oouu yes Ok ill be there in the morning.

AJ:Ight Bet

(Phone Hangs Up at the same time the doctor walks in and some man in a suit.)

I grimmed him “Who tf is you?” i said with a aggressive tone.

Detective:Hello Mr.Davis My name is Detective Johnson(He put his hand out for me to shake it)

(I just looked at him and his hand.)

Detective Johnson:Oookkkk then anyway. Im here for your case to try and figure out and find the person that did this to you.

“Nah Im good bro bro”

Detective John: Whether you good or not Im still on the case and im here til its closed. So either you gonna let me help you because as of right now your an innocent victim. Or you can become a prime suspect Your choice.!

“Man whatever” I said with a attitude like a bad bitch😂😂😂

DetectiveJ:Oh ok thats what i thought now can you tell me what happened.(He pulls out his pad and pen.)

“I went to visit my mans and someone started shooting next thing i know i woke up here”

Detective:(Writing on the pad) Ok who is your mans? He asked

(Dead Silence)

Detective:You gonna answer the question Mr.Davis?..

(Dead Silence)

Detective:Ok We’re done for the day Thanks Doc we’ll be in touch and i will be seeing you very soon mr davis. (He hit the back of his pen on the pad and put them both in his pocket. Right before he walked out the door He said...)

Stay Safe Mr.Davis (He side eyed me with a smirk and walked out)

Doc:Why was you not cooperating with the detective?

“I dont move like that doc” i said with a nonchalant tone.

Doc:But he’s here to protect you and help you.

“I dont need help or protection this some street shit i gotta handle that the feds cant handle the only thing they get out of it is a ceremony and funeral that they family and coworkers gotta plan for them so no i dont need they help.”

Doc: Smh just dont learn... You know what can i tell you something? She asked

“Yea go ahead” as i stared out the window.

Doc:I get alot of patients just like you in here from gang violence and me being a young black doctor its hard. Seeing young black kings lose their lives in my hands because of the streets it breaks my heart everytime.

(Guilt knocked down that brick wall of pride i had built up just moments ago.)

Im going to just say this one thing before i leave out this door just please cooperate please, because i see something in you and obviously you are on gods green earth for a reason. So please cooperate but get some rest before you leave tomorrow i will come check on you 1 last time before i let you go ok.

“I looked at her and shook my head and said “Ight I gotchu doc”

Doc:Ok Bye Mr.Davis she said so innocently and walked out the door.

(I laid back moments later the nurse walks in and looks at me with a grumpy look)

“Aye you the one that forcefully put me to sleep man you betta not be coming in here to that shit again and you in here by yourself aww hell nah this old lady about to rape me I cried out.”

Nurse:Boy shut yo ass up i dont want you im married.

“SO” i yelled out🤔

Nurse:I am about to put you to sleep tho(She hurried and grabbed the IV and injected the sleep juice in it.

“Wait wait let me—-

(Right before i fell asleep i heard the door open)

——:Pay close attention to the people around you adrian....

(It got dark)..

“I popped up it’s the next morning Dr.taylor and the nurse are already in the room.

Doc:Hello Mr Davis are you ready to go home? She said with a big smile on her face.

“Yea I am actually”(Picked up my phone and texted ashley and sent her money for the uber)

Ashley:Ok imma be on my way in 15 mins.

Doc:Ok let me finish up your paperwork and you can get dressed and leave.

“Ok” I said

As she finished my work i thought to myself was I dreaming or did someone actually come in here and say that to me.... “Fuck It” i said out loud.

Doc:Whats that..?

“Oh oh nothing” I looked at my calls Rik called me but its not a missed call...

Wtf maybe i answered but was still sleep. I hate when people call me while im sleep man.

(I called back no answer)

Ashley:Im omw babe.

I texted back “Ok im about to get dressed im just waiting on them to get done with my paperwork.

Ashley:Ok im omw.

Doc:Ok heres your discharge papers and your prescriptions that you pick up later on today ok...

(She hands me the papers)

Doc:Ok im going to let you get dressed ill be out here when you leave.

“Ight thanks doc i really appreciate you and everything you do.”

(She blushed and clutched her clipboard said thank you and walked out the room.)

“YOU LEAVE TO LADY” i said jokingly loud

(The nurse giggled walked out and shut the door i hopped up and locked it to make sure she fasho couldn’t comeback in and went to the bathroom.)

*15 mins later*

I walked out the bathroom from a hot shower someone knocked on the door.

“COME IN” i yelled

(They jiggled the knob)

Lmao “Oh yeah I forgot i locked the door”

(I unlocked and opened its ashley she walked in smiling and smelling good than a mothafucka with a couple bags in her hand.)

“Ooouueeee who told you to come up here like that red bottoms on, hair laid, lashes on eyebrows done, cleavage out wassup.”

She said “Boy stop it” as she was blushing hard. “Look I got you some stuff to put on everything i just bought yesterday.

(Breds ,Purple brand all black Jeans and a red/black vlone shirt)

“Ight bet”

(Before i was just about to reach for the stuff)

“UNHT UNHT you not gonna give me a hug first damn can i at least get a thank you..!!

I smirked “You right you right im sorry babygirl”

I hugged her and wrapped my arms around her and grabbed her ass she hugged me so tight and she smelled so good I wanted to eat her. She kissed me on my neck i sat down on the bed and pulled her close to me by her hips we started kissing.

She tongue’n the kid down i started to get hard through my towel she felt that and grabbed me and slowly started kissing me from my neck down my chest to my 6 pack...😏

*Knock Knock Knock*

She jumped up i jumped up “UH YEAH COME IN” i yelled

Doc: Its me i have one more thing to give you so stop by the desk before you leave ok.

“Ight i gotchu doc”

(Door shuts i gasped and we looked at eachother and laughed)

“Yea let me hurry up n get dressed” and looked down at mini me and said.

“Control yo self man”

She sat down and crossed her legs, bit her lip and fucked me with her eyes. I grabbed my stuff and went in the bathroom and got dressed.

(Moments later) “Ight im ready”

We grabbed all of our stuff and walked out.

“Im about to stop at this desk realquick”

“Ok” she said and walked ahead”

“Ok whats the deal doc” i asked

“Here (She gave me a card) look on the back”

It was a sticky note with a number and a name on it. I looked down the hall at ashley she was looking the other way. I looked back at doc.

“Call me whenever you need something...Anything..”

I hesitated at first then said “Ok i gotchu” and walked away.

(Caught up with ashley)

“Whats that in your hand?”

“Oh its a card she said to call them if i have any questions about anything....”

(I hurried and put the card in my pocket.)

“Unht unht give it here let me see the bitch probably put her number on the back”

“Man what” i started laughing

“Give it here” she yelled

I pulled the card out my pocket she look at both sides.

“Mmhm sneaky ass” she said in slight disappointment. “Let me find out you fuckn her.”

“Come on na babygirl” i smirked and we walked to the car..

After a long day of shopping eating and talking shit we go back to her crib.

“Omg im so tired and my feet hurt” she cried out

I laughed and said “I bet they do”

“Boy shut the fuck up you always talking shit” she said so agitated.

“I walked over to her and said say it to my face”

“Boy fuck you”

(I picked her up and carried her to the room)

“Put me down Aj you gonna drop me stop playing.” She yelled out.

I threw her on the bed and got on top of her and started kissing on her she immediately calmed down and relaxed her body n started kissing me back. She placed her hand on the back of my neck while my hand maneuvered my way between her legs.

“Oh you ready ready” i leaned up and said

She smirked and grabbed my hand and put my fingers in her mouth.

“Oml”😩 this girl so freaky i think thats why i love her.😂

She hopped up off the bed and walked real slow and sexy to the bathroom while taking her clothes off at the same time.

“Come here daddy” she demanded and waltzed in the bathroom.

“Oh you aint gotta tell me twice” i hopped up so fast i fell flat on my face pants to my ankles shirt halfway on.😂 Its up there.

I walked in the bathroom she already hot and wet. Im about to fuck this girl like a dog.

I stepped in and stood right in front of her she looking up at me and im looking down at her.

I grabbed her neck kissed her i picked her up and Pinned her to the wall and started sucking on her neck she wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck and moaned in my ear.

Now yall know when a female moan in my ears it do something to me.

I couldn’t wait i was so hard i was throbbing.

I stuck my dick inside of she gasped.

I went in slow to open her up she so warm and tight.

“Fuuuck” i said slow and low my strokes became faster her grip became tighter, she dug her nails in my back.

I went faster and deeper her moans became louder.

“Ahh AJ” she moaned

I just knew i was about to be a father.

“Fuck it” I said out loud and released.

“Dammnn“ i said outta relief because i just released so much stress.

“Damn the hospital fixed you up you aint never did that before.” She said while she finished showering.

“No cap”😂

We both finished showering she got out before me but i felt the vibes change mins later before she got out.

I finished up turned the shower off and grabbed my towel and walked out the bathroom.

“Whats up?” I asked out of concern.

“........Im not ready AJ..”

“😕Wow You not ready....Why?”

I sat on one side of the bed she sat on the other side.

“Ive been taking birth control pills”

“Man what!!! When was you gonna tell me this we just talked about this a few weeks ago and you said you was ready.” I yelled

“Well yeah that was before you stopped answering my calls and stopped being over or around me all the time.” She cried out

“Ive been working you know that.”

“AJ you know ive been told that before ive been in this same situation before and the person i was in that situation with fasho not you obviously im just scared to go back down that road because im still dealing with that by myself you have to give me that.” She said with a scratchy voice as if she was about to cry.

I started to feel guilty again by another women.

It became dead silent...

“🤔You know i never understood why mothafuckas let otha mothafuckas hold them back from their blessings that they asked for... that they been praying for... A mothafucka standing RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU”

“Maybe Im too genuine.. Maybe I aint what she want..Maybe...”

“Man Fuck this shit” I said while jumping up and storming to the living room.

“WHAT” she yelled

(She jumped up right behind me and chased after me.)

I pounced on the couch and turned the game on.

She came and stood right in front of me with her hand on her hip silk robe half way open, skin soft and shiny with the meanest sexiest look on her face.

“AJ really this what you gonna do while we talkin.?”

*Pat Tap Tap* Controller Buttons

She scooted over in front of the tv.

“Man Move” i said in agitation

She dropped her robe and i dropped my bottom lip Along with the controller.😂

“You ready to listen now?”

“Yes maam” i said with such thirst that i was ready for whatever.

I laid back on the couch and she climbed on top of me and was under a spell after that.

What can I say Imma sucka😋😁

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